Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #235 with Seann Walsh & Julian Deane - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: July 30, 2023

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Welcome to this week's episode of the Have A Weird Podcast, ladies and gentlemen. My name's Adam Rowe, and that's Dan, aren't you? Yeah, I am. Dan Nightingale. This is our podcast. It is. We're both going on tour separately, starting in... You start in August, I start in September. Going all over the gaff. Tickets for my tour at adamrowe.co.uk and tickets for Dan's tour at... DanNightingale.com

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We've already recorded it. It's going to be a belter. Belter. Wag wag leads. You're listening to the funniest podcast in the game from the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only Have A Word.

Brought to you by Manscaped, the very best products on the market for below the waist groomers. Go Ed, get on me. Boom. Ow! Let's have a word, the podcast. We're here. Sean Walsh. Yo, what's up? How we doing? What did you think I was trying to do? Well, I don't know what way you do it.

How's Christopher Walken? Oh, is that a known thing? Wow. Hey, it's good to be here. That's Walt Junior. Sorry. Well, you could do Christopher Walken in Batman Returns. I don't think I've seen that one.

You've not? What? No, that's the day before our time. Who wants them? Yeah. Fucking hell. I was going to do

Jack Nicholson, Batman 1, and then you do Chris Walker. I can do Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men. Go on then. Why have you done this? Here we go.

You eat your breakfast. I eat my breakfast fucking 200 yards away from fucking Cubans who are trained to kill us. What just happened? What just happened? Could I have seen a few good Geordie men? Oh, you wanted the actual Jack Nicholson.

I did Jack Nicholson if he'd grown up on Tyneside. Sorry. You've got to communicate better. This is, you know, first time, Coles. Yes, I know. There's going to be little mistakes like that where we misunderstand each other. I know, very much so

but we should start with the conversation that we started with before this which was which was I was saying that you know with new technology

becomes new problems and I think it's more difficult when you're on the phone now if you've got airpods when you bump into someone that's now more awkward than it ever used to be because old school

you just had the phone you're here oh hang on just wanted to say you alright mate how's it going blah old school, you just had the phone, you're here. Yeah, oh, hang on, just bump into someone. You all right, mate? How's it going? Yeah, blah, blah, blah, sorry, I'm on the phone. I'll see you later. They can see you're on the phone.

You don't, there's no, there's no kind of exposition. You're not having to set anything up. But now you've got your AirPod in, you're walking. Yeah, well, we'll do this, we'll meet up on Tuesday. Yeah, it'd be good to see you at lunchtime. Then you bump into someone, they're coming at you to say hi, but they don't know that you're on the phone. So you have to start going,

I'm on the phone, I'm on the phone. And then the person that you're on the phone to starts going, what? And you're going, I'm sorry, I've just bumped into someone. And then you're looking at them going, I'm sorry, I'm on the phone. I've just bumped into someone.

That's a problem. I've just got a handful of questions. That's okay. So you know the people you're bumping into? Yes. Are they, when they bump into you you and you're walking and talking, are they just assuming that Sean is mental and talking to himself in the street?

Well, I think you have to make, because they might spot you. So look, this is serious, okay? They might spot you when you're listening. So that often happens as you're just walking and listening because they're talking. And then someone spots you and goes, hey, and then you have to go. No, I'm on the phone.

No, you know what you need to do? You need to nod more. Like, you know, you're on the phone. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But you have to point, you never had to point before because you had the phone. But that could also have like, you listening to something that's amping you up to go and do like a mass shooting or something. Do you know what I mean? Like that's helping you up to go and do like a mass shooting or something do you mean like that face that you did then just point out a carlisle like if you're doing that face walking down the street listening to headphones that does look like you're listening

to you know something that's going to radicalize you into doing some and point on it bad stuff if i've seen you doing that walking down the street, we're best friends and I wouldn't let on to you. I'd be like, Carl's lost it. That is scary. Yeah. I am a scary guy. What, could you do that face? That's not, that's nothing.

He's not doing it. You've got to really give it some. Yeah, there you go. You look like one of those, do you know what he looks like? One of those, you know, the football dolls that you put on like a car. Oh yeah.

Oh, I got us the rock of that from when I was in Italy. I went into a- What? You got the what? I went into like a rock. You know the rock? If you smell him. Oh yeah, absolutely.

Yeah. I went into a souvenir shop in Italy and they had loads of bobbleheads. They had like Mussolini, you know. They had Mussolini? What? They had Mussolini? They had Mussolini. What? They had Mussolini. They had Mussolini.

They had- What's wrong with what? Why would they have him? He was a naughty man. Salvatore Silvalloni. What's his name? Salvatore Silvalloni, his brother. Berlusconi, they had him.

They had Pavel Nedved and they had Dubrov. So I was like, I've got to get us Dubrov. I just haven't brought it in yet. So, well, hang on. Remind, I'm not good with, I think it's history. See, I don't even know. Mussolini was a dictator, wasn't he? Yeah.

He was a naughty man. And they had a bubbly head thing. Yeah, he's just... Are you sure it was him? They said Mussolini across his feet. But there's never been a football player called Mussolini. No, I think they'd have... Ah! What's that?

Is that a dog? Oh, my fucking God. Oh my fucking god. It's the least scary dog on the planet. No no no no no no no no no no no no no no oh my god. Was that a se- what? You've met him? The dog's not her? You met him? Yes but I didn't know he was under the desk. I've met you but if you were chewing on my shoelaces under the desk, I'd fucking help. Adam's under the desk chewing on my shoelaces. It's all right.

I know him. Don't worry, I know him. It's fine. Not scary at all. What are you talking about? No one told me the fucking dog. Imagine looking down and going, oh, Tony Adams.

Jesus Christ. Fucking hell, just got into the shower. Adam was sat in the bath. It's all right, I know him. Don't worry about it. He was wanking himself to death in the bath. All I wanted was a shower. What's he doing in the flat?

I don't know, but it's fine. I know him. What is... Oh, did you see the dog coming? I knew he was there. He just wanders. All right, just a bit of... That's fine.

That's fine. Oh, my God. I've got a question about the AirPods things. What happens if you bump into someone and they're doing the same thing? Oh, my God. That's fucking too much. No, it's bliss.

Because then they don't go, ah! Like, normally when... There's like a moment, if you've both got airpods in, it's almost like you lock eyes and it's like, it's telekinesis and you're like, we've got our airpods in us haven't we? Did he make up a word?

Yeah. Yeah, it's telekinesis. What happened there? I gave it a go. What happened, did you just give it a go? Telekinesis. That was the word? Telekinesis.

That's the one. That's what I said. You said telekinesis. Is it nissus? Nissus, yes. And also telekinesis. Is it nisus? Telekinesis. And also telekinesis is being able to move things in your mind. So you're nearly there. But, right.

Telepathy. There you go. Yeah, telepathy. That's it. I don't know how I've done this to have a word, but I seem to have dumbed it down. I don't know how I've done this. Yeah, but I feel like when you bump into someone else

who's got their AirPods in, you do have a little moment where you're both, it's like you're both now. Yes. And then you both get to go and then you don't have to do anything. You walk on. Yes, that's the dream.

I, true story, was in North London. This is actually, I think this might even be pre-lockdown, it's how long ago it was. But a woman who I thought was a bit crazy and it kind of cornered me the week before um i saw her the following week and she was approaching me at the traffic light and she was going and walking towards me and i and i thought just just just pretend the music's up you know you got headphones in got the headphones in, the music's up.

She goes, Sean, Sean. I was just like, but I didn't have the music on. But she doesn't know that. And she goes, Sean, Sean. And I just fucking crossed the road. I got to the other side and realised the AirPods weren't in. Do you know him? Yeah.

A few years ago in Edinburgh, during the festival, if I woke up hungover, I would just put me overhead headphones on with no music on. Yes. Great shout. Just to fucking ghost people. 100%.

Absolutely. Just dull sounds of the world. No, just because then they don't know you've got your headphones on. Yeah. Oh, good fucking thought about this. Absolutely. 100% absolutely just dull sounds of the world no just because then they don't know you've got your headphones on yeah oh good fucking thought about this

absolutely I literally I just put them on and I would walk past you and be like fair enough yeah yeah yeah

just just listening to yesterday's show I was all up to me I was walking to Tesco and there's a ladder boat. I'll tell you what it is later. 50 yards away. And we both saw each other

and then both decided to not see each other. It's a beautiful thing. Oh, it's great. Yeah. But his girlfriend went, there's Carl. And we both went, oh yeah.

I was like, oh no. Would you have to fake that? Yeah. But you have to fake that. Yeah. When you have to, I just, like double, start double taking like you're in a Hollywood comedy, you know? We both got the eye contact

and then look away, it was perfect. Wouldn't it be so much better if in the world we were just honest with each other and she goes, there's Carl. And you just get to go, we clocked each other then, but we didn't want to talk. Well, no, that should be better. Cause he knows it and you know it. And as soon as you left, he told her.

Yeah. He was like, I seen him. I just couldn't be asked. No, we're good mates as well. It's just like- Oh, you're good, what? You're good mates? I'll tell you later.

Okay. But also like I was tired after work he was he had kids with him like that's too much we're both doing our own shit in our own well join and talk and the small talks like all of those work where there's bad in it you're like fuck off yes absolutely absolutely i can't even be bothered to meet friends anymore yeah genuinely i'm at that just point in life. What is the point? What's going to happen that I don't know?

I can tell you what's going to happen. We're going to meet up. You're going to tell me what you've been up to. There's nothing that's going to be said where I go, fucking hell. You meet up with them and they go, Sean, I found the treasure. That's not going to happen.

It's just going to be, they did their job. And then they go, what have you been up to? You tell them what you've been doing with your job and and that's the end it's just a waste of time i should say it's good to see you such a pleasure to be here it feels like yeah but it's recorded it's different since we last since you last here you've had a big thing in your life though, haven't you? I have. Before we get to that, I felt like we were leading on to something that I'm interested in, and I've always loved coming on here.

And he's not interested in what you are talking about. Just before we get to the thing that literally is what I'm talking about. The thing I was saying before, the amount of times I've met people in the past few months, they'd be like, you've had a baby. And I'd have to be like, I have had a baby.

Well, I've been doing that for months, and I know you want to talk about it because the camera's on but before we do that there's something i actually want to talk about so can we please do that before i put autopilot on and act like a fucking footballer after the female lost yeah you know bad performance this week yeah he's sleeping right through, yeah. So, when someone is telling a story, and in that story, in the story they're telling you, that you're listening to, there is a handshake in that story.

Is that good? What was it? Magic mind. What was the flavour? Battery. What? It tastes like a battery. Oh, right, but what is it? Er, batterie. What? It tastes like a batterie. Oh right, but what is it? Smell it.

But give it a tea. It's like a, are you feeling shit? You'll feel better after this. Oh, that's nice. That's very nice. It's just a bit tangy. Okay. Is it, is that tea in it? It gets you fucking going, Sean. Hang on, you don't know what's in it. Especially if you've got coffee in it.

You don't know what's going in it. What's in that? Coffee. Right, coffee beans. What's coffee that? Coffee. Right. Coffee beans. What's coffee? Coffee beans. Where's it from? The beans field.

Yeah. The water. Where's the water from? You don't know what's in that. What's in the vaccine? You don't know. None of us know. Right.

More importantly, more importantly, they're telling a story. Do you remember what I was saying? Yeah, that's our new story. And there's a hand shake in the story. In the story. Yeah.

They put their hand out. Oh yeah. Yeah, right, you know what I'm talking about. And they make you do it. Well, no, no, no, they don't. Do you shake the hand? Yeah, you're doing it. It's like, their hand goes out and you're like,

so why am I in this play? I'm now in the play. I've been given an acting role in this. What are you doing? So here's the thing. Right. I love that you know. You're like, I've been wanting to talk about this shit.

I think some people are expecting you to shake their hand and some people aren't. It's mental. So for example, I gesticulate a lot. Right, when I'm talking, I talk with my hands. Because we don't know enough words. I've always found that. People that use their hands.

Instead of telling people what you mean, you go, do you know what I mean? Like, you've got to like, just. Yeah, yeah. It's this big. So I'd be like, yeah, so I bumped into him. Like, you're right, lads. That's what I'd do.

Yes. You're there, I would very clearly, it'd be off to the right, do you know what I mean? I wouldn't be like, you're right, lads. I'd go, I was just like, yeah, you say, I was like, you're right, lads. Yeah, now, how are you getting on? Like, I'd do that.

But some people, you know, be like, I was in the park. I walk in, I'm like, you're like, like, yeah, now are you going on? Like I'd do that. But some people, you know, be like, I was in the park. I walk in, I'm like, you're like me. Oh shit, am I in this? But somebody does that, wants you to do that. Yeah, that's, and it's mad. It's like, what, why have I been brought in? And why have I only been brought in for the handshake? Do you do it?

So you go to the side, you said that. I'd be like, you're like that. I would literally, like, if they don't want you to shake it, you said that. I'd be like, you're like that. And I would literally, like, if they don't want you to shake it, they should do the shake and motion so that you couldn't grab the hand. Do you know what I mean? They should be like, I say it and I was like,

you're like that. Cause then that's like, don't touch me hand. But if they go, I say it and I was like, you're like that. If they just hold it out, where they would hold it out to actually shake your hand and hold it there, then it's not, if you shake their hand and they look hold it out, where they would hold it out to actually shake your hand and hold it there, then it's not, if you shake their hand and they look at you like, well, you're not in the fucking place. Yes.

Then that's on them. That's on them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. Do you know what the most emasculating version of that is? What? Do you know what, like, in the story, you've ragged someone out the way and then someone does it to you and you're just like, why the fuck did I get done?

Do you do that? This is what, just get the fuck off. What the Did you do that? This is what I wanted to get. I'm so glad that you brought this up. So people in their story talking about how irritating something was that happened to them. And they do it to you with no irony. No, I think this is necessary. I do do this. No, because...

Here's my argument. I do do this. Fuck you. No, because... Yeah, so like, you push it out the way. You're like, what the fuck are you doing? Here's my argument. Here's my argument. This is madness. And as a stand-up,

you should understand this. This is madness. Your job as a stand-up, right, and especially, like, especially a comic like you, okay,

you're a very physical comic and one of the reasons, one of the many reasons for the physicality and the act-outs on stage is you want the viewer of your stand-up to understand and the act outs on stage is you want the viewer of your stand up

to understand and feel how you felt. When you're like, you know, oh, this happened, fuck it, you want them to

be as angry as you were. So if I was like, if I was like, oh, this fella I was talking to they kept poking me in the arm. If I just tell you that, then,

then you don't understand how annoying that was. No, I do. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, then you don't understand how annoying that was. No, I do not understand. No, you don't. You don't. Because if I go, this fella's name's just constantly... Oh, no. Fucking Aidan. No, but that is how I felt when he was doing it. So you only feel that if I show you what it is.

Have you been to the cinema to see a film in 4DX? No. Oh, with the chairs? The chairs. It's like you're see a film in 4DX? No. Oh, with the chairs? The chairs, that movie. It's like you're telling a story in 4DX. Have you not been to 4DX? No. I don't go to the cinema very often.

I went to see Oppenheimer, and then I felt a bit ropey, so I didn't go and see Barbie. Barbie's fucking fire, by the way. Oppenheimer's good. I'm going to go and watch it this week. Oppenheimer is a solid 7.5 out of 10. Okay.

Oh, so not that good then. That's a good film. What's a ten? Good fellas. The last time I was here... My favourite film is A Few Good Men. So that's my... You know what I mean?

Right. Jack Nicholson's in there. And obviously Ghostbusters. Well done. Well remembered Ghostbusters. Yeah. What was yours? My favourite film ever

oh that's impossible um I haven't I think I've got one you know I watch a few good men at least twice a year yeah yeah you gotta do that I watch films I like more than that like a proper comfort thing I don't watch films very often no me neither sound like Michael Owen do you know Michael Owen yeah he doesn't like films do you you not know this? I think I do but… Yeah it's quite, it's like a Twitter thing but it's true he really said it. Michael Owen's only… Five? Only ever seen, is it five or is it three but still, he's only ever seen five films. But one, I think one of them is Home Alone Twice.

Do you know Alfie Brown… Not even one and two! No! Home Alone Twice! Alfie Brown met even one and two no I've alone twice Alfie Brown met Michael Owen and oh wow

and he said because Alfie got like a a corporate ticket to a Liverpool game and Michael Owen was in the box that they were in and he said

Michael Owen gives off the vibe of a child who really wanted to go into insurance but his parents forced him into football he is mad who really wanted to go into insurance, but his parents forced him into football.

He is mad. He was once the best player in the world. Isn't that mad? He won the Ballon d'Or. He won the Ballon d'Or. At Liverpool. Yeah, that is mad. Is that when he scored the England World Cup 98 goal? No, I think he won it in 2001.

When they won the FA Cup. When they won the FA Cup. When they won the five. The only treble. Yes, the only treble. The only treble worth winning. Yeah. Yes, yeah. Raul.

Yeah, Raul came second. Oliver Kahn third. Yeah. He's one of the most boring men in the world and he was also one of the best footballers. That's fucking mad. Weird when goalkeepers get in it, isn't it? It's just have your own little cup.

Yeah. Do we agree with that? Yeah, just best cup yeah yeah just best keeping yeah i think defenders as well like when cannavaro won it like no one's you're trying to stop good football why are you in it no i don't i don't necessarily agree with that but i do think it would be like they do do individual awards don't do the best keeper the best defender whatever and i think they should be the focus because the best player in the world is like, there's such different jobs of everyone on the pitch. Yes. So it's so hard to judge Michael Owen against Oliver Kahn. Yes.

Like how, who's better? Well, they're not doing the same things. I know, it's just so bad. It's like going, who's better? This juggler or Roger Federer at Badminton? Like, what? Roger Federer? You never know.

What? You never know. But the juggler's a Badminton. Like, what? Roger Federer. You never know. What? You never know. But the juggler's a badminton champion. Yeah. But the juggler's the best badminton player in the world. Just loves juggling. Hey, go and ask more questions, Carl. Ask more questions.

That's where you always let yourself down. So before we get to that, the thing that Carl brought up. Yeah. I thought that we would get a touch on a thing. Okay. We were talking about when you bumped into someone. Yeah. And you might want to avoid them, that girl brought up yeah i i i thought that we would get a touch on a thing okay we're talking about when you bumped into someone yeah um and you might want to avoid them or not or you want to say hello and you're talking and we were talking about like if you see someone you don't

like yeah do you think that if you don't like someone that that could be that that can, is there anyone that doesn't like someone, but that person likes them? Yeah. Yeah. So, so. As comedians, surely. So like, so, and we don't have to name anyone, but say you've got someone in your head you don't like. There's, that person could like you,

but you just don't like them. Yeah. Wow. That's the worst situation to be in as well. Yeah. Because often, often not liking someone is a subjective thing. They've pissed you off about something

they either don't remember it or you maybe have reacted to it. Maybe you've got a sensitive thing that they didn't know you were sensitive about and it's pissed you off and it's here. Yeah. And you don't like them because of that. But they don't really know

that what they did was enough to really piss you off to the point where you'll hate them forever. Yes. So they're like, hey mate, you're all right. And you're like, nah. But you can't really know that what they did was enough to really piss you off to the point where you'll hate them forever. Yes. So they're like, hey, mate, you're all right. And you're like, nah. But you can't be like, I don't fucking like you, actually. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You can't be rude because to them, they don't know they've done anything wrong enough for you to not like them. So you then have to have a friendly conversation with someone whose murder you've pictured. Also, if they're walking past us in the street, we're polite enough to go. What did they do? We're polite enough to go. You all right, mate? What?

We're polite enough to, even if they walk past us, you hate them, you go, you all right? Yes. If you're not, you're the dickhead. Everyone needs to be that polite. There's no reason to not be. I would, I've got a feeling,

and this is based on nothing. It's based on absolutely nothing. But I've got a feeling that that person, whether they're real or not, the example i've got a fit and this is based on nothing it's based on absolutely nothing but i've got a feeling that that person whether they're real or not the example you've given i believe that there is uh an energy in the universe and i don't know even why i believe this got nothing to back up with but that person would also that person that said the things you would also not like you and it will be to do with something else or whatever but that that's happened and it's going it's going two ways no i don't i've gone but i've got but i've got nothing to back that up so i don't know what you know no i i

can't win this do you hate anybody do i hate anyone yeah millions no i only nations Millions? No, I only- Nations? Millions? No, when I say hate, I mean- It's so many people. Because that's at least- It's a country? Two million. You think that started a million? It's twice as many as that millions.

That ends on the end. At the least. It's two billion, at least. And in his head, I reckon he could name them, you know? All I have to do is just go through Twitter. No, I mean put energy. I'm hating and not liking someone. There's loads of people I don't like.

I just, they're gone. I mean people you actively put energy into. I fucking hate them. That's a different thing. Oh, I haven't got anyone like that. I reckon I've got two, maybe. Two? Yeah.

But you don't actively put energy into it. That's a weird phrasing. You don't every day wake up and go, right, I've got to get to work and I need that 15 minutes to hate them. No, but they'll pop into my head and I'll put a bit of energy into it and go, fuck them.

But don't you think it puts energy into you? Yeah, totally. That's why I don't do it. It puts energy into you. Yeah, hating someone doesn't... It's not healthy. No, because it doesn't do anything to the person you hate. It just angers you.

Yes. But you reckon they hate you? Yes. Oh, 100%. The two people. Definitely. The two people that we're both thinking of that I don't like. I love that you both know who they are.

Right. You know both of these people. Great. They both hate me probably more than I hate them. Wow. And I want them dead. 10 seconds, are you going to naze anyone? You want two people dead.

You definitely know. Peace and love everyone. Peace and love. I want them dead. Want them dead? That means you would actively pursue their death? No. It's not that I want them dead.

It's just when I see that they've died. You wouldn't mind. And they're both going to be dead before me. That is a fact. Categorically. Right. Of natural causes, though. They're both on the way out.

We know. We all know. We all know. And when it's announced and people are like, oh, isn't this sad? I swear I'll go to pub. And Sean, you know these people? Two. Just two.

Just two. Off the top of my head. Yeah, I reckon I've yeah, I think it's two. Maybe two. Maybe it's two. How many? Hatred. There is a third person that no one in this room knows that if someone told me me you need to help us kill them,

but no one will ever find out, I would sign up immediately. You shouldn't be saying this. You shouldn't be saying this on camera. Why? They might die and you will be number one suspect. But no one knows. I've never told anyone that I want,

because I'm thinking about doing it. Not even me. Why do I have to be on this episode? When this footage is used in the Netflix documentary. You brought it up. Where he's killed someone. You brought it up. And it's just kind of big.

Sean Defoe knew. Sean Defoe knew. You brought it up. Oh, well I did bring it, no, you're right. I did bring it up. I didn't know you were gonna come and up, I'm thinking about doing it! I'm thinking about doing it! Do I not know this person? No.

That's wild, they've never told me. Oh my god. I'm guessing someone's been hurt who you love then? Sort of. Yeah, okay. Okay, so two and a half, three? Three. Probably two. No, people irritate me but not enough to hate me. Okay, so two and a half, three? Three. Probably two. No, people irritate me, but not enough to hate me. He's a lover, Steve.

Yeah. How old are you? He's a gentle lover. 30. 30? I think there's enough, there's still time for hatred. I reckon real hatred is a mid-30s. How old are you, early 30s?

31. 31, right, yeah. Me and Karl are 31, Steve's 31 this year. And you hate? I hate two people, yeah. Me and Karl are 31. Steve's 31 this year. And you hate? I hate two people, yeah. Are they the same two as... No, no. I just know who is our...

Yeah, okay. This is fantastic. But don't like is loads. Don't like is endless, isn't it? Yeah. Don't like is... Absolutely. There's so many people I don't like.

Do you try and deal with this stuff? Do you try and... If you have? Do you try and, you know, if you have a negative, so I'm terrible. I can't keep my, I can't keep my mouth shut. Do you know what I mean? I try to, I've always tried to change, be a better person. And then that name will come up in a green room or something. And I can't help it.

I just go, what a cunt. And then I'm just like, why did you say that? Why did you kick me? Because that shouldn't stay in you, you don't think? You think it's healthy? It matters, yeah. You have to get it out. If it's that much and it's poor now,

to get a chug come out. Okay. Like, I don't like any of the kids in my road. None of them. And there's a fat one who, he might join the list soon if he carries on. I just don't want to let you shout that on the street. Again, I called him a fat little cunt last month.

Shut up. You got a kid a fat little cunt? Yeah. He was shooting birds with a BB gun. Yeah. And then he shot me house. And I went, don't come near me house and you fat little cunt. I like that.

Can I just say a little observation there? I like that it took him shooting your house to call him a fat little cunt. Oh, there's fucking seven dead pigeons out there. But he's having fun. That's my window, you fat little cunt. I'm out. He was still outside my house yesterday. Still outside my house while I'm watching The Simpsons.

My time. Personal time. And I'm getting my work done In my garden So I've got a big bag of sand In my front And listen When I was a kid

That was boss For the only time That he made It was unbelievable He was stood on a bag of sand And I just got proper like Rage I was like

Get off me fucking sand So I knocked on the window And then he threw a ball At a car In response He did what? He threw a ball At a car

Oh In response I don't even thought It was mine And I opened the door And I went What the fuck are you doing? I went Whose car did what? He threw a ball at a car. Oh. In response. None of you thought it was mine. And I opened the door and went, lad, what the fuck are you doing? He went, what? I went, whose car is that? He went, I don't know.

I went, it's not mine. Thinking like, ah, 1-0. I went, get the fuck off me sand. He went, ugh. And I jumped off and I nearly went, you little fuckhead. But I didn't. I held it in this time.

And he went off. That's progress, that. Yeah, well done. See, there you go. You tamed the inner anger. When we were kids, we played footy and a flyaway might hit a wall

and you go, oh, move on. These kids now are horrible. We were the same, you know. No, we weren't. Yes, we were. We played a flyaway. Yeah, we played a flyaway.

I wouldn't have killed birds. Sorry, I have to put... No, but there was a kid that you know that would have. Maybe. You're not the bird killer. No, I'm not have killed birds. Sorry, I have to put... No, but there was a kid that you know that would have. Maybe. The bird killer? No, I'm not the bird killer. Also, is it full of several bird killers?

Yes. Also, were you scared of the people in your streets as a kid? No. The adults, you weren't like, oh, shit, he's shouting at me. Oh, I feel... No. An adult shouting at me in the streets,

I was like, oh, I've done wrong. These kids are like, fuck off. Like, they've got no respect. I feel like the oldest man. at me and she's like oh I've done wrong these kids are like fuck off like they've got no respect I feel like the oldest man oh I see what you mean yeah yeah yeah I know I see what you're saying so

I had no respect for my neighbours when I was a kid so what did you do that would have for example what would you have done for example

I'd be playing football against their fence yeah right classic and they'd be like move and I'd be like yeah yeah and we'd move five yards and they'd go back in and then we'd start playing again on their fence 100 Yeah. Right, classic. And they'd be like, move. And I'd be like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And we'd move five yards and they'd go back in and then we'd start playing again on their fence.

100%. Yeah. The goal. Right. So, that's- Okay, but these are killing animals. Yeah. I'm standing on my sand.

No, but one kid is killing the animals. Four of them. You just stood on the sand. Yeah, but- But, but as I go, oh shit, this man shouted at me. I'll get off and I'll shut my mouth. This kid was like, what?

I'd never have done that. How old is he? He must be like less than 10. Do you know what I made? Our friend, our mutual friend, who fingered someone with a Johnny on. It's the same guy I was talking about before, by the way, from Tesco.

Right, okay. Fingered someone with a Johnny on? Sorry, to be clear. On his fingers. You're superstitious. Yeah, just really didn't understand how bacteria spread. Condom on your penis, got to be careful. Yeah, we don't know whether it's true, but he came up to us.

He'd gone missing for about 45 minutes in a nightclub and he'd come back and he was like, just fingered some birds on a dance floor there. I had a Johnny on now. And he had a Johnny on his fingers. No, we were all virgins in this club all kids young and he was ages like where the fuck have you been what what even fingered some bears we were like oh my god fucking one of the boys has got it he went i'm a johnny on me i'm liking me all went oh yeah he's lying imagine that in the club i'm not girl but are you telling me are you telling me

that when we were kids if he was stood on that bag of sand and a man come out and shouted at him he wouldn't have gone fucking get back in your house caught an eye Joe because he fucking would have he's an exception to most things

so is the kids shooting the seagulls these are the exceptions five of them five what it's five kids the one you're talking about he's not the shooter These are the exceptions. Five of them? Five what? It's five kids. The one you're talking about? He's not the shooter.

He's not the shooter. He's like the getaway driver. Because he's fat. Oh my God. What's the naughtiest thing? I imagine, I'm going to guess that maybe you've, you've said this in the past,

but in case you haven't, what is the naughtiest thing you've done? I don't think we've ever spoken about that, no. That's mad. I think it's come up in a slightly different context. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I threw my mates... This doesn't sound naughty, but at the time I felt like I was going to federal prison.

Absolutely. I threw my mate's jumper over the school fence into someone's back garden. So our school yard, like there was back gardens that backed over the school fence into someone's back garden. So our school yard, like there was back gardens that backed onto the school yard. So this is the naughtiest thing you did. But I was like six. And honestly, the reaction from the teachers,

by the way, by the way, in reaction to this, they acted like I'd killed someone, right? And then to get, I kept saying, oh, I didn't mean to do it. I was pretending to do it what I was pretending to throw it and someone pushed me arm which is obviously a lie yes right stupid lie but a six-year-old's like haha not getting me yeah yeah they put me in the confession booth with the priest and and entrapped me into confessing to what I'd done yeah fruit of the poisonous tree Sean you

can't use that I've said this before it's inadmissible so they put me in the confession booth and I was like look you know because I went to a Catholic school and I hadn't done my first confession I'm six

I haven't even done communion and they were like go in here this is where you sort of confess the only person who can aid is the priest and God and you know you'll get forgiven

if you've done something wrong and I was like yeah I fucking threw that jumper right over the fence you should have seen it it was like fucking Tom Brady or whatever the second time and then they come wrong and I was like, yeah, fucking threw that jumper right over the fence. You should have seen it. It was like fucking Tom Brady or whatever the second time. And then they come out

and they're like, yeah, so he did it. It's awful, isn't it? Isn't that awful? Isn't it bad? That priest is going to hell. Good.

They all are. Yeah. I did two bad things. One in my road and I remember like thinking I was going to jail. Someone, like a front wall, I did two bad things one in my road and I remember like thinking I was going to jail someone

like a front wall I picked all the grout out of it like the join between the bricks and if you pull it like some big chunks can come out

even he thought that was bad and I did the whole wall I just sat there one of the lads just pulling all the grout out of his wall and it was

it was hard it was hardened and you pulled it out but it was like, it was hardened. Yeah, but like- And you pulled it out? But it was like, because it was old. How much time? Oh, about an hour. And we were sat, just sat on his wall, just pulling,

and then he pulled up in the car and he was like, what are you doing? We were like, oh shit. We're taking you all down. And then he went, knocked on my door, was like, he's fucked my wall up and I was like, oh, I'm going to jail. And then in little school, I told a racist

joke that I had. Oh my. In little school. That was last week. He was in the little school he was going last week to tell the kids his racist joke. At lunchtime he climbed over the wall, into the playground, told the racist, yeah, yeah. Come here boys. In year four I told a racist joke that I'd like I don't know my grandad say

or whatever and my cousin was older and we laughed so I've gone oh that must be funny not understanding what it meant

I've gone in told it I think it was in year four told it with an ear shot of a teacher who was like the horrible teacher and then I was told

at the end of the day by one of the oh miss such and such knows that you've told that joke she wants to see you tomorrow and then I was told at the end of the day by one of the, oh, miss such and such knows that you've told that joke, she wants to see you tomorrow and then they were like, I was like,

okay, it's really racist, you've done a really naughty thing so the next two days I was off sick because I was like, she'll forget, I was just like blagging off and then I went in

and she was like, what do you think these words mean? I was like, I don't know, it's just like I've heard and she was like, she wasn't shouting at me, she was basically educating me going like, this is really naughty and i was like oh i get it now

i'll tell you the joke it was funny that's a good thing yeah yeah yeah yeah but i was like oh i'm gonna get expelled but basically she's like you don't understand what you're saying there i was like no and she's like this is what this means i was like okay I get it I'm sorry I think I was a lot worse than you two at school what was the worst thing

you did? well for a start me and my friends when we were at secondary school I sound like I'm trying to be cool now don't I

you guys are losers I was really bad no no but I petrol bomb the head teacher's car exactly yeah what did you do? well it was never malicious No, no, but I... Petrol bomb the head teacher's car. Yes, exactly, yeah.

What did you do? Well, it was never malicious, I don't think. But when I was at secondary school, I was a bit high. Hot? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not at school, that period of life, but it wasn't a school day. And we were high and we got the munchies but because of our age we didn't have any money yeah so that money for pot though we well we'd spent yeah we had spent on the pot absolutely um and we were walking past

a primary school and we decided to, well, it was nighttime. We decided to break into the primary school. Oh. And we met, I don't know how we got in, but we got into the school. We were climbing, we walked along the roof and down, like the roof, and it was nighttime. Lovely, you know, lovely night sky.

It was like the, you know, final scene of like Mary Poppins with the chimney sweeps. Like we're walking along the top of those, those lovely triangle roofs, whatever the fuck they're called. Roofs. you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know,

you know, the big, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like that weird paper. Yes. Yeah. It looks like butter. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. It looks like Marks and Spencer's butter. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So exciting. And we all,

there were six of us. And so we, we get, we leave the school, we're all walking with our ice cream down ditchling road. And then my mate, we were walking in pairs of two. So we're in a kind of row of three. And, and then my, the guy walking in pairs of twos so we're in a kind of row of three and uh and in

my the guy i was next to toby went pigs but i didn't know that pigs meant police i didn't know that slang and i was high i was like look around like is there a pig and then and then the police car like but the police car stopped but it drove a bit past us and stopped so it didn't stop in line with us yeah kind of it was stopping as it passed us and he went drop my mate would drop the ice cream so i dropped i dropped the ice cream the police car the policeman like jumped out he went like you know stop but then I I was by a bin so I ducked behind the bin and the five of them got arrested whilst all these other I mean I mean I mean like riot vans were turning up just for six kids to take into my screen and then I garden

skipped I I walked whilst they were getting arrested I walked backwards in line with the bin so that you couldn't at no point see me until I got into a front garden and then I garden skipped up ditching road through the front gardens I got into this garden behind a book this is what I'm about to tell you is a true story this is this still blows my mind today I'm like does that mean that people get away with shit like this i'm behind a bush and i'm terrified like the police have got my friends i've managed to escape and two policemen walk past the other side of the bush up the street with a police dog and they go do you reckon there's another one and the police the other policeman said if there is we'll find him and And I see the dog through the little gaps in the bush

just walk past me. And I went and slept in a beer garden that night. And then got home. Nothing ever happened? Nothing happened, but one of my... There was a consequence. There was a consequence that I still think of today. Those are the five who've been in prison ever since.

They're still in! I'm going to visit them. With ice cream. Sneaking ice cream. There you go, boys. Don't worry. It was worth it. My mate Crazy Dave that got caught. His mum was so angry.

Yeah, Crazy Dave. Crazy Dave. I know I forget. Ah, me. John. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Crazy Dave. Crazy Dave. Can I just drop that name? No, I know I forget that. Yeah. I'll meet John. Yeah. Yeah, Crazy Dave was, you know, clearly fucking mental. Yeah.

That's another story. But just quickly, the consequence was he wasn't allowed to go and see Limp Bizkit. And he was going with me. And we were going to Milton Keynes Bowls to see Limp Bizkit. And limb biscuit and so i so then therefore i couldn't go so there was a consequence i didn't get to see limb biscuit yeah they've got you yeah that's mad what was the dog doing just walking sniffing looking for me but he couldn't he couldn't smell me even i must have stank of weed, he couldn't. Mad. There you go. That's fucking great. Fucking bad boy.

Bad boy in the house. I was scared of, like, authority back then. I didn't want to do any shit like that. Not in a million years would I have done that. Never. Never ever. I was such, no, I loved trouble. I'd have been nervous about that, because my mum was very sort of,

like, she drilled, like, don't be a gobshite into me. Like, my mum sort of told us right everyone on this estate is going to be naughtier than you like they're going to do stuff and you're going to have to not do it because i'll fucking kill you yeah wow yeah yeah oh that's some good parenting yeah i think yeah oh my god oh at the time i was like oh she's doing me fucking head and i can't go do things but you look back and go oh no no i'd have like a criminal record yes we used to order skips and that's people's houses and bounty castles and fish but like we didn't break in yeah that was that was as naughty as we got like uh i mean we started doing that like 18 didn't we yeah like dennis the menace shit we're

like yes not like laws breaking like ordering like massive takeaway orders and then just watching them get delivered to a house that doesn't know them. Beautiful. Yeah. Absolutely beautiful. I've said this all along, the best thing to order

is a skip. Because no one questions it, they drop it and you pay at the end and it's always cash. So they just drop the skip outside your house and then when it's full

they collect it and the skip is there for four weeks. That's fucking fantastic. Bouncy castles. You've done that yeah yeah and we used to do it

all the time oh we were the I remember ordering loads of meat to someone's house and I never knew what happened I never knew if it went

loads of meat because who does that no one's going is this real I don't want loads of lamb yeah that's amazing it's fucking great

well done I might do that now as an adult I've been doing was before this is fucking playing the playing the classics the harvey's furniture store that's the best prank we ever did by a mile and i can't believe she gave us that so what we used to do and sorry for the repetition guys but you know enjoy a little uh stroll down memory lane yes there will be there will be people that haven't heard this. Yeah, yeah. Including me.

Let's go. So me and Carl, when we were bored, sometimes we would just ring, we'd put like 0151, which is the Liverpool starting number. And then there's like areas of Liverpool that have their own like three numbers. Yes.

So we'd be like 0151, 252. And then four random numbers. And then 2212, which used to be Barbalo's Pizza Restaurant in Old Swan and I you know there's people in my life

who I love and I don't know their birthdays but I will never forget that phone number love that and we'd just ring and just you know sometimes we'd just do

stupid stuff to entertain ourselves so like we spent one afternoon going hello is Shergar there and then they'd go the horse and then from the other

side of the room that we were in carl would go nay and i'd go never mind he's here i love her right and we we got hours of entertainment out of that i told you about it was you told you about neil or no neil you played neil or no neil neil or no neil so you answered you did not tell me that you ring it out and go hello is, is Neil there? And then, if there's no Neil, you go, oh, nobody's. But if there's a Neil, you just have a conversation with Neil. I was 2-1-0. Unbelievable. But sometimes

we just ring people and just be, like, you know, just being dickheads, just trying to wind them up. So we rang this woman and we're like, hello? And she was like, who's this? And we're like, it's your best friend. Just being dickheads that is mental and then she goes she goes

excuse me can you stop this please I'm waiting on a really important phone call and we went who from and she went Harvey's furniture store

so we put the phone down come to 10 Mississippi and ran back and was like hi this is Harvey's furniture store and she goes oh hi are you okay? And we told her that-

No. We told her that there'd been a fire at the dispatch warehouse and her entire order had burnt with the rest of the thing. But that because it had left the store, it had technically been delivered. So she wouldn't be receiving any of her stuff.

So she kept going, this is ridiculous. I haven't got the stuff. So you haven't delivered it. And we'd be like, yeah, it's just, it's store the stuff. So you haven't delivered it. And we'd be like, yeah, it's just, it's store policy. Like if you read the thing you sign,

and she'd be like, no, I need to speak to your manager. So I'd go, all right, no worries. Carla put like music on his phone. We put it to her.

I'd hand the phone to Carl and he'd be like, yeah, you're not getting any of your stuff. And we were on the phone for about half an hour before we were like, hello,

it's Vincent. That is cruel That is up there with bird killers Unbelievable though No one got hurt No If anything We made her day

Because she thought she'd lost everything And then the realisation that she hadn't That little rollercoaster Is better than nothing All I live my life is net happiness. So imagine you've got a bike in your garden that you don't really care about. Okay, okay, okay.

So is this something you've thought about? Yeah, I think it was all the time. Net happiness. You think this all the time. Net happiness. Did you come up with that phrase or is that a phrase? I don't know. I think it's my phrase.

It's a good phrase. Someone steals that bike and they're made up new bike yeah the net happiness in the world's gone up because you're not that arse they like it more

than you don't like it there you go Carl's advice steal bikes yeah what is the advice if there's any gardens that you want to bike in and that bike hasn't moved

for a while steal it because the owner clearly doesn't appreciate the bike and you deserve a new bike there's no advice there also if you don't if you've got stuff that you hasn't moved for a while. Steal it, because the owner clearly doesn't appreciate the bike and you deserve a new bike. There's no advice there.

And also, if you've got stuff that you don't really want, yeah, just leave it in the garden. Someone might steal it. They might not steal it. Her day was this. And then it went,

oh, and then it went, whey, when she's like, it hasn't burned. Net happiness for her in the day is up. But what about you? And for us, because we're laughing there's

more laughter in the world the net happiness is up from that phone call where i got where buzzing she's relieved bosh it's a better it's a better world because of that call you nearly drove les dennis to madness what so this is the stupidest one i'm going to be the hardest to explain has this been explained before I think so you nearly drove Les Dennis to a second mental breakdown join us back on Corrie

it's because of us we brought him back into the public sphere so we came up with a theory that doesn't make any sense you came up with a theory that doesn't make any sense. You came up with a theory that Les Dennis doesn't make any sense. Is actually a horse wearing a human costume.

Okay. So then with absolutely no context whatsoever, we started tweeting Les Dennis saying, Hey Les, we're fully aware that you're a horse by the way and you need to come clean i fucking love this and he hasn't got enough followers to not see you wait so so this so this is right yeah so this is a long time ago yeah right i've got one yeah but this is brilliant yeah i've got one of these but then i found it so funny that i thought this might work as a bit on stage.

I was very new in comedy. Yeah, yeah. So I did, do you know Toby Haydoke? Sorry. Northwest compare. Used to run a night at the Manchester Comedy Store called New Stuff, right? So they'd get like, sometimes they'd get like 100, 200 people in the Manchester Comedy Store for a new material night.

Yes. If it was a bank holiday Sundayay it would sometimes be completely full and i did the new stuff nice 500 people in manchester and i'm like i've got a new bit about calling les dennis a horse i tried this material maybe six times in total okay the other five times it did not work but that night's the manchester comedy store i don't know how i said it or why but the audience were like, this is the funniest thing ever. I love it when that happens.

So straight after the show, 500 people were tweeting Les Dennis saying- It's peaceful. We know you're a horse. Right, that's when social media works. That is beautiful. But to him, when he sees that, he's not seeing this person

this is 500 random people yeah yeah mate I am so he's like how have they all found out that I'm also

the same man and why don't I know about it so he starts replying to people going I don't know what's going on right

please tell me please tell me he tells someone he's not a whore oh a couple of times yeah of course right but imagine having to tell someone that you are not a horse you definitely sound a little bit like you might think you are a horse don't you yeah you said the word horse on the major because if

you if you because if you didn't if you if you really if you knew you weren't a horse, you would completely ignore that. You would not get involved. But the fact that you're having to go, no, no, no, listen, I'm not a horse. I'm not a horse. The more you stay, you start getting less convinced. I'm not a horse, am I? Am I?

And then you start doing that. He's blocked us to this day as well oh yeah still blocked the culmination of this was that well the no the first culmination of it was he tweeted didn't he

no well what I was going to say was on one of our prank call days we found his agent's number yeah and we tried to book him for a birthday surprise we were like

me and mum used to love family for a birthday surprise we were like people me my mum used to love family fortunes so did i yeah so we want les to like be a surprise i love les dennet we should say i love les dennet oh absolutely yeah absolutely man right totally um brilliant so we were like we'd like him to be like with money's no object but we want him to be at my mum's birthday and you know at the, this was before he came back, and his agent was sort of like, we can probably get Les to do this, right? Fucking hell.

But then she immediately put the phone down and we were like, you know, to make it an extra surprise, we'd like him to come into the room initially in a horse costume. And then she sort of... Her and him must have discussed this, the online campaign,

because she was like, oh, it's you. And she put the phone down. That was dead and buried. This is amazing. We mentioned it on one episode, maybe two years ago now, maybe two and a half years ago,

I have a word. And then last year. Do you think pre-COVID, post-COVID? I'm always in my head now going, so you said that, and I go, is that you still do you think pre-covid post-covid i'm always in my head now going so you said that i go is that pre-covid or post-covid yeah yeah pre-covid really oh shit there's like two months of it so yeah 2020 is the middle in it and then yes yeah so uh last year justin morehouse put on a charity fundraiser gig for Ukraine at the Manchester Apollo and the line up was

Justin Morehouse Mick Miller Jason Manford me Dave Spikey that's a fucking that is the most

northern thing I've ever heard and Les Dennis and he shook me hand and he wasn't like you're that guy but he looked at me

as if to go where do I know you from and why don't I like you the stables you fed me a carrot once yeah if he knew about I'd

I like to think I like to think that if Les Dennis knew about, put two and two together and knew that it was you that had done all that, that when he said goodbye, he would have lent in and said... Yeah, as a comment, he would have just gone, nay. Totally straight. Totally straight.

But I don't think he, I don't know if he'll see the human. No. I don't know. And then a year later, he was back on Corrie. What? We brought him back into the social conscience. You,

right, look, you've done fucking arena shows with five, right? We were in five. You were in, yeah, you were in,

right, you've been in five. Because only three of them turned up and they needed two more, so me and Carl were at the front of the stage, yeah. You were in five. Because only three of them turned up and they needed two more. So me and Carl were at the front of the stage with them. So actually I'm, I've been in five more recently than two of the original members of five.

That's amazing. My missus, bit of trivia, my missus is in Bewitched. When Bewitched, What? Yeah, so when, so how many is there in Bewitched? I Bewitched... What? Yeah, so when... How many is there of Bewitched? I think it's four. I don't know, ask your missus.

So, yes, I know, sorry. What a terrible start to a story. No, when one of them can't do it, my missus is... Yeah, there's four. So my Grace will be one of Bewitched. We've tried to book them and they're fucking expensive. Are you joking?

No, genuinely. They were our first choice before Five. If my... Imagine. That would have been amazing. Yeah. Grace doing... Some people say I look like my dad.

What are you serious? Uh-oh. They were our first choice. If one of them was pregnant or had something on Grace will be in Bewitched but here's the thing people don't know people don't know Bewitched that well

so people tell Grace how much they loved her growing up and can they have a selfie and she does the selfies with people that think she's from Bewitched when they grow up that's so cool though. And it doesn't matter which one is absent.

You know the main one. As long as it's not the, because there's the sisters. Is it the sisters, yeah. Right? Yeah. So I think they need to be there, I think. The black haired ones.

They've all got dark hair, but they've got a very similar face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what I was going to say is, next arena show, you've had five. You have got to get all... Like you said, money's no object. Money's no object.

Les Dennis has got to come on dressed as a horse. Like, you have got to get Les Dennis on the next arena show. You've got... Like, get discussing it. Get the cement out and get that deal done. Les Dennis just said, the show just comes out takes off the

head that's it off he goes you've already got the costume as well you've got the costume

I think I would implode on the spot yeah I think my world would have just do you know like

the idea that there's purgatory between like life on earth and heaven and you've got to like yes

and then apparently if you save your purpose in purgatory like spoilers spoilers spoilers skip this skip this if you don't want a spoiler

for a show that's been out for a very long time the TV show lost tell them the show lost first you didn't tell them what to skip but I've already told them

what the thing is no I didn't know what you were so i didn't know what you were talking okay so until until until you said lost right lost if you yeah if you're not seen lost yet spoiler alert the tv show lost is about purgatory isn't it yeah so they're all dead and they've all got to fill fulfill their purpose by the way that's the spoiler yeah yeah yeah that's the end there you go um and that they've got to fulfil the purpose and then it goes to heaven it's quite weird sorry it's quite weird

when the spoiler it's sorry to pick up on stuff like this I can't help it but it's quite weird that the spoiler is what it's about how weird is that

yeah you've gone there's a spoiler it's about that's normally a spoiler is ah he was dead or he was a horse

but here is the spoiler is what it was about. That's fucking amazing. Have you seen Westworld? Which one? Westworld. Not yet.

It's one of the best TV shows I've ever made. That's the definition of that, like the whole thing being the spoiler. As soon as you know, you can't re-watch it really. Oh, okay. Well, don't ruin it. No spoiler, that's Westworld.

But I've got a feeling I'm in Piggory and my life purpose to get to Disintegrate and go to heaven is to get Les Dennis to nay I think if that happens that is not unattainable that is so attainable if you can get

if you can be if you can if you just say to me right five years ago what's more likely that Adam Rowe will get

somehow get Les Dennis to nay or he will be in five this is the thing that exists within our universe yes there is a picture from two christmases ago okay and the favorite to win christmas number one is elton john and the second favorite is us and that's real exist last year the year before yeah i remember it was amazing i was bloody sharing so that exists with the bookies last year the year before yeah I remember it was amazing I was bloody sharing so that exists Elton John

and then us that's emotional that's very beautiful we were second favourite we were as likely according to Paddy Power to win Christmas number one as Arsenal were

to win the league two weeks before the end of last season yeah that is amazing Adele was after us it was less likely Adele would win

Christmas number one than us so I think unless Dennis Nain's up there but I don't think we're beating that unless we go to like

the moon or something yeah stupid shit that happens in our world against the moon let's discuss plans for that in this short break whoa whoa whoa

I need to I need to what was that just going to a break are we? Going to a break. Are we really going to a break? Yeah. Can I, what, I'm coming back and our guest is here?

No. Another section. So we've got another bit just us. I want to tell you, yeah, all right, good. Sorry, I really, that was so unprofessional. Do you want to do that again? Cut all that out. We'll discuss that during this short break.

Press the button. Could you press that button? We're back. There short break. Press the button. Could you press that button? We're back. There's Chinese food on the way. We're getting everyone a Chinese meal, a succulent Chinese meal for our lunch today. Carrying on from part one, Sean Walsh, you have a Les Dennis-related story.

Go. Well, not Les Dennis, but early days of Twitter, we're contacting celebrities and getting in touch with them, right? I did what now seems like a very strange thing when I first joined Twitter is I don't even know how to explain this. This is so bizarre. I was still called Sean Walsh. So it wasn't a character as such.

called Sean Walsh so it wasn't a character as such but I tried this concept where I was playing a uh a man who had serious mental health issues who thought how did you get into that guy yes I know it's very difficult I don't know how I come up with these ideas really stretch my performance um very versatile actor no but i i am this i don't know where i got this idea from hey i wish i changed the fucking name so hey i'm gonna say he's like playing daniel so i wish i'd given him another name because this is this was good idea he was mental and he thought that he was friends with a listers right and he thought that he met up with a listers and he thought he knew them was friends with them and had parties just to clarify this is you tweeting as this guy but his name is sean mulch exactly this is so fucking stupid right but i had this the storyline was that i was about to have a big a big party

and obviously i was going to invite all my a-list of friends but what happened at the last party i had was that russell brand and danny devito fell out because danny devito found out some stuff and russell said you can't tell anyone precisely before all that that fuck

what do you do someone do something that... Fuck. What do you do? Someone do something. Russell Brand wasn't happy with Danny DeVito because Russell Brand thought that Danny DeVito stole his coat. This is very strange. And Russell Brand didn't want that to happen. Russell Brand did not want that to happen. No, don't do that.

So I kept on tweeting Danny DeVito, who was on Twitter. But like you say, it's the early days. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Wild West. And I keep on tweeting Danny DeVito. Look, man, I want you to come to the party. But obviously it's awkward now with you and Russell. Just be honest with me.

Have you got Russell's coat? I just keep tweeting Danny DeVito and saying, please, if you've got Russell Brown's coat, please just a minute, give it back. And, you know, I'd love to see you at the party. And one night I'm in East London, fucked off my face in a kebab shop. I just opened my phone

and I've got a fucking I've got a message from Danny DeMito No you have not He just says Danny DeMito at Sean Walsh No Danny DeVito

denied taking Russell Brand's cunt like was he joining in or did he think that I was really accused

that I somehow knew Russell Brand and I was accusing him no it wouldn't even fit me I love it I love it I was really accused that I somehow knew Russell Brand and I was accusing him. No, it wouldn't even fit me. I love it.

Oh my God. I love it. The command shot. And like just people waiting for the command and I just go, fucking hell. And I'm going, tell it to me.

Someone's replied to me. Tell it to me. Oh, it was amazing. That's fucking wonderful, you know. Oh my God. I had it, and again,

playing the classics. I had a Twitter account called Sky Help UK. That was one of my finest moments. So when people tweeted Sky as if to go, oh, channel fucking this isn't working. The internet's down

or the telly's gone off. Oh, I've got the sports package but it's saying I haven't. Like, why can't I watch the Liverpool game? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He would reply as if he was Sky.

I've made it look the same. And I pick people who wouldn't know. But he'd be like, oh, sorry about this Brian if you actually looked at us because your wife's ugly and you're a big stupid cunt

and then they'd reply and be like I'm switching to virgin this is terrible customer service because it looked so fucking big and I'd like sign it off

with like the initials they'd do it I'd make it look so professional but like hi like someone like I'm in Rochdale

and the internet's gone off and I'm like that's because Rochdale's a shit hole mate they go this is disgusting and I'd be like, hi. So I'm like, I'm in Rochdale and the internet's gone off. I'm like, that's because Rochdale's a shit hole, mate. You know, this is disgusting. I'd be like, well, fuck off then. That's amazing. I'd have gone for like a month and then Twitter shut me down.

Twitter shut you down? Yeah. You've been shut down by Twitter pre, pre, pre Musk, pre X. You can probably get that back now. Yeah. You could. Yeah. You could. Yeah. You could.

Elon Musk wants you to have the freedom to be able to tell them that Rochdale's a shit hole. That's what he wants. I loved it. It was one of the best things ever because people were so... People are still stupid now on the internet

but back then no one had much internet. I'm sorry. Just one sec. That door opened then and a good six seconds before Jack walked in it looked like Wallace had opened the door

I was like what the fuck's going on here I love that somewhere in the world for ten seconds you existed and Danny DeVito

was wild yeah it's amazing isn't it yeah because he's got on your profile and going what the fuck's this guy? I've laughed so much so far today

that I genuinely feel sick. I also have an F for like nearly 24 hours. Yeah, I've not. I don't feel good. Right. I don't feel good. I got some questions. We've got some questions and we'll do them.

Can I just say, sorry, sorry to, I know I keep doing this. Go on. It's because my brain is slow. But I dream of one day meeting Danny DeVito and the same thing happens and I say bye

and he leans in and just goes I did have his coat yes if I'm Danny DeVito in that world and he's remembered that let's just live in a lovely world where he's remembered that interaction and he's like that's your maybe he's watched lovely world where he's remembered that interaction and he's like

that's your maybe he's watched your stuff because he's like that's my stuff yeah and then he knows he's going to meet yeah

if I'm Danny DeVito I'm taking a Russell Brand sized coat oh my god a leather jacket with me yeah a leather biker jacket

that's way too big you said that the leather jacket's going down to his feet yeah oh that would be a dream right I got It's way too big. The leather jacket's going down to his feet. Yeah. Oh, that would be a dream. Right. I've got two questions here.

I've got one about things raining and I've got one about making sports into films. Okay. What was the first one? Things raining. Things raining? Yes. The sky.

What does that mean? Well, you'll see when you pick one. When the dizzy stuff comes from Yes. The sky. What does that mean? Well, you'll see when you pick one. When the dizzy stuff comes from the sky. Rain. Yeah, that's the stuff. So either that or about making films into sports. Sorry, sports into films. You're doing a prep call, so.

Yeah, but pick one of them. Yeah, the rainy one. Okay. I don't even know. I don't know what that means. Well, we'll find out, won't we? We're about to find out what things raining means. Yeah, this is from Camel To from camel toe okay history lesson lids in 1876 meat rained from the sky for a period of

several minutes in kentucky it didn't no one knows why the main theory is vultures it didn't but it didn't if you could make one thing rain from the sky the main theory is vultures the main theory is that there was vultures in the sky killing so many other things that it rained it didn't say meat dropped from the sky it says it rained 1876 like if there's a clap 1876 right before video cameras yeah before phones that could shoot things yeah if you could make something rain from the sky, where would it be and what would it be? I just want to say now, guys, it would be water in Greece. I think that's enough.

What's the next one? Water. Fires. Yeah. Yeah. It's fires and roads. Yeah. I just had to double check.

I said that was up. Was it Greece? Our thoughts and prayers go out to them. Topical. Wag Wag Boys from Vicky. Wag Wag Boys. If you could have one piece of clothing sold onto your body permanently,

what would you have? A cock extension. Clothing? You don't need a cock extension. That's true. This table only has two legs and it's on that side and on that side

it's being held up by Adam. Um... Ooh. If you could have a... I don't want anything. Me. What's he talking about?

Like, if you could have a piece of clothing sewn onto your body, what would you have? Pockets. Oh, so how's this one? Pockets, pockets. That's good.

Because I go down in the night and like i've got my phone on me but i'm getting snacks where'd you put your phone because i'm bollock on the house so 100 when you're swimming what would you say so zip pockets slow you down when you're swimming what was it they got zips still pockets what are they into me legs yeah they just fall onto your legs i don't know how often are you swimming that you're going no forget the pockets no i'll fuck up the swimming i don't know it'll slow me it'll slow me down i don't want to affect me golf swing as well as well oh yeah I think that's a perfect answer I think pockets is actually

a very sensible answer is a pocket an item of clothing yeah is it it's part of an item of clothing but it is in a bag

and that's also not an item of clothing it is an accessory pockets are part a pocket what's an accessory a bag is an item of clothing you're going to die on that hill

you're telling me a bag is an item of clothing a man bag yeah a rucksack you could buy at a clothes shop you buy them all in clothes shops A bag is an item of clothing. You're going to die on that hill. You're telling me a bag is an item of clothing. A man bag, yeah. A rucksack, you could buy at a clothes shop. You buy them all in clothes shops? Are you saying a rucksack is not an item of clothing? It absolutely is not an item of clothing,

and you're both gaslighting me. This is fucking... What are you talking about? You wear a bag. What? You wear a bag. Yeah, you do wear a bag, but it's not an item of clothing. You wear... You wear a bag. What? You wear a bag. Yeah, you do wear a bag, but it's not an item of clothing. You wear a bag.

You wear a smile on your face. It isn't an item of clothing. You're not having that. You are not having that. Pick a better one. We're not, no. I thought you were going to say wear perfume. You wear perfume?

There you go. I'll have that. Sorry, I don't know why I've given you that. No, we're back. We'll take it back. Tackle, tackle. You wear sunglasses. They're not an item you that. No, we're back. We'll take it back. Tackle, tackle. You wear sunglasses. They're not an item of clothing.

They're an accessory, though. Yeah, but they're not an item of clothing, which is what the question is. And pockets are not items of clothing. Sorry, I've missed the beggining. Pockets are not items of clothing. What did you say? I need these.

Yeah. You do need them. They're not an item of clothing. Yeah, but I need them to wear my clothes. You don't? Can't put it in. You'd miss them. Otherwise, I am not complete.

There's a bit of dust on the screen. Or accessory. Yes, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Precisely. Well, now that you've said that, that's a Sony. Sorry.

Okay. So you're saying a pocket is not an item of clothing. It's not. So you've got trousers on. I do. The trousers are the item of clothing. Thank you for pointing that out. Theousers on. I do. The trousers are an item of clothing. Thank you for pointing that out. The trousers are an item of clothing.

The pockets are part of the trousers. Right. Okay. So this is interesting now. This is getting philosophical. Part, you're saying, a sum that makes the,

what is it, what they say, the sum of all the phrases. It's a part, yeah. Yeah. So the parts that make the clothes are not the clothes. Correct. You part, yeah. Yeah. So the parts that make the clothes are not the clothes. Correct.

Okay, so a collar, I go... It's not an item of clothing. I got a nice collar today. It's for a priest. What? It is for a priest. Touche. But the collar on your...

This is not an item of clothing. Until it's attached to the jacket. Yes. Okay, how are we feeling about that? What about shoes? Ooh, shoes and clothes. Ah, shoes, clothes. Oh, and then?

But shoes aren't excessive. I think shoes are their own thing, aren't they? Yeah. Shoes are like the letter Y. Is it a vowel? You know what I mean? No. Exactly.

Shoes are not clothes. But you asked a question. The answer's no, but the question's there. And who's picking shoes as well? Sew these on forever. Shoes, socks and gloves aren't allowed. You can't pick any.

Gloves. If anyone picks gloves or socks. Yeah, leather gloves. Because you can marry anyone at any time. Yes. I don't want any clothes. Like, I love having just me undies on. But I don't want to have to sew them on.

They'd stink, wouldn't they? Can't get me cock out, Sean. What if you've got the gap? By the way, I've been imagining this. I think I've been imagining this differently to you. I've been imagining these clothing items as skin. So they're not part of the body. Well essentially are they're sewn on but it's like part no but it's they're not sewn on oh it was the question so i've imagined you're born with them so you're born with like skin

so i would like just sew like around this and like it'd be stuck on you oh i think the right answer if allowing accessories is pockets okay because the body is missing pockets pockets aren't accessories either pockets are part of an item of clothing

yeah well is a pocket just a small bag yeah it is anyway I think pockets is the answer

yeah that's done my head in more than he's ever known you know right let's go into let's go into simple pleasures. Okay. Even though I've got none, actually. No, I haven't got any.

Wait. Oh, no, I have. Am I meant to press a signal? Yeah. Shall I put your headphones on so you can hear it as well? Oh. That's great. I've got a theme song.

Oh, lovely. Go on. Simple pleasures. Oh lovely Go on Oh I've got one here by the way That was good And this is up there It was very 90s Yeah It was like one of those

Set me free It was one of those wasn't it Set me free In my opinion I'm going to change what he said because there's a better way of saying it. This is up there with the... Just, I know you've never really done the prep. You know what I mean?

Yeah. But you know, when that happens, just do it and don't tell us. Okay. Just because he's reading it, I'm going to go, are you reading it? This is from Paul Macker. Paul Macker?

Yeah. When you see your suitcase on the carousel in the airport. Oh, yes! Very nice. I'd improve that. Having your suitcase come out in the first, like, six. Well, that's what he's put. But I think the relief,

because I think the relief is more when it's late. He's like, oh, shit, have you lost it? No. And then you see it, you go, oh, I've lost it. No. You're talking shite is mental you're telling me you changed his question i made it worse you're telling me at the airport you're like oh they got my bags not earlier i want it i want the jeopardy i want the jeopardy i'm saying i feel

like it might be lost oh i'm gone i've been here four hours everyone everyone else has gone home. There it is! Yes! You're talking shit. I'm saying net happiness. The relief of that is more than seeing it, bitch. Net happiness. So you're sitting in a restaurant. You're sitting, yes, absolutely. Don't break it! You're talking shit.

I'm saying net happiness rules. Go out the fucking window in the airport. The airport is every man for himself. Oh, there's me bag. Not like dead in his face. No! No, wait there. Slow, slow.

Do that again. Oh, okay. Do exactly what you've just done again. There it is. Oh, yes! Right, no. That's not a question. That's relief.

I've got my undies on all of these. So see that? There's me bag. That is not what I want. What I want no. That's not a pleasure. You see that? I've got my undies on all of these. You see that? Oh, there's my bag. That is not what I want. What I want is a fucking army bag. Fucking face. What happened? That's relief.

What you're talking about is relief. Net. No. Pleasure. Pleasure is like... Relief is a pleasure. To be relieved. Yes, but it comes from pain, doesn't it?

Relief. You have to be in pain. You rip the thing off and now you're relieved of the pain. Isn't getting first the avoidance of pain? The pure pleasure is you're stood there, you're expecting 10 minutes, 12 minutes. You just have a look. Do you know who Jeremy Bentham is?

Do you know who Jeremy Bentham is? The philosopher? Yeah. Indeed. Yeah, well, this is talking about the avoidance of pain. Utilitarianism. Exactly, yeah. So you're happy it's come out first because you're not waiting around. So that's the avoidance of pain. the... Utilitarianism. Exactly, yeah. So you're happy it's come out first

because you're not waiting around. So that's the avoidance of pain. So the pain's still involved. It's not avoidance of pain. It is. It's like waiting around being like, I'll be arsed. That's why you're happy it's come out first.

Hang on. What was the... No, I just want to get out the fucking airport. Yeah, because you ate it. Avoidance of pain. No, I've either just got back from holiday or I want to go and enjoy me holiday. Exactly.

Avoiding the waiting. Yeah, okay. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's not... No. The wait... Okay. Yes, the waiting is coming from...

You sounded like an Arab commentator then. My ham and salad just go... No, no, no, no, no, no. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go. Hello. Go, go, go. Sorry. I had to pray. I had to pray just it's that time of the day no what no but but you're

no because you're making the mistake of thinking that when the bag comes through that that is relief that you don't have to wait well actually there's just some pure pleasure, just pure pleasure of, well, wouldn't you have it? It's all fast. That's just my bag. Do you see how, like, oh, blah, blah, blah. Whereas I'm like, yay! You're not talking about a simple pleasure, though.

I am. Look at it. I can't believe it. That's nice, isn't it? I can't believe it. You're thinking, back up a second, you're thinking, I can't believe it. Yeah. That's lovely.

I can't believe it. The universe has, I've had nothing to do with this, and the universe has gone. Listen, I'm happy then as well. I just know I'm more happy. As someone who struggles to get through airports, my bags usually last, and I hate it.

Yeah, but you're like, oh, at least it's there. At least they haven't dropped it over the ocean. That's not a simple pleasure, Carl. What's your simple pleasures? Do you want your mum to get kidnapped but then eventually be released with the threat of death the entire time? Yes. I'm taking it to the nth degree.

When is kidnapping ever a part of anything I'm doing in my day-to-day life? He's planning on killing someone. So don't think your mum's safe from kidnapping. What is the kidnapping in... Oh, you're going to go into Otton Tower? So your mum right now is not kidnapped, right? Yeah. She so she's fine so you're telling me based on your logic yeah if your mom got kidnapped and the fellow was ringing you every day going i want seven million

pounds i'm gonna kill this fucking stupid bitch right yeah she's gonna be dead right you're 24 hours cunt right i'm gone and then right at the last minute he he goes, do you know what? Don't want to do it anymore. I've released her. She's on edge lane. And you go and pick your mum up. Oh, fucking hell, my mum's not going to die. Simple pleasure.

What are you talking about? You're going, oh, he released her. He released her day one. Yes. When is that ever part of my life? When I get on a plane. That's not the same thing.

It isn't. What? When's that ever happen? When they get on a plane They kind of settle It has to happen No You go to the Totten Towers

Your mum's getting kidnapped That's what happens You're telling me That the The measure The way you're measuring It doesn't matter that it doesn't happen The way you're measuring the universe

Net happiness It's net happiness He's talking about net happiness So your mum getting kidnapped Your net happiness When she gets released And isn't dead Yeah

Would be amazing wouldn't it? So do you want me to kidnap your mum no well then you're talking shit and you like your dad coming out first no one's next and your mum's gonna come out and and she's gonna be relieved that's what's gonna happen she's gonna be relieved that uh she's out and that she's seeing her son and you're gonna hug and you're gonna be to be crying and you're going to go, who was it? Who was it? And she goes, I don't know.

He never revealed himself, but he said he wanted to pass on one word to you. Nay. Nay. Got a gun to your head. One bullet in this gun. Six bullets. All things.

Chambers, what's it called? Chambers. Yeah. Bam. First one doesn't kill you. Okay. The sixth one doesn't shoot you. Are you happiest on the sixth one?

Yeah. Relief. Oh, get in. The sixth one doesn't kill you? Yeah, there's no bullet in there. You're more happy on the sixth one than the first one. Do you know how hard it is to do this twice a week? You're happiest on the sixth, aren't you?

And do you know what the audacity's called? Me, stubborn. Yeah, I know. When I realise my argument's bollocks, I'm like, you know what? Fuck it, I'll give it up. He's sat there right now. I know, I don't know what you're...

I'm well done for... I didn't realise how brave you were doing this every week with that have you had a simple pleasure Sean feel like your life is full of them

I have a simple pleasure going to a mate's house when you get to his house you look at your phone

and the phone has remembered the wifi to his house that's nice actually that's lovely isn't it yeah well done

there it is or just like just to pour some negativity on this lovely my favorite thing to do one of the i'd like to start a another section go on like a competing section with simple pleasures little things that drive you up the fucking we've had lots sent in actually right little things that drive you mad so your phone connecting to a wi-fi oh it doesn't work no like a bus passes you and your phone goes oh we can't load that page because you're on the areva wi-fi that you signed up for nine years ago also also right right you you i need to type in a wi-fi code for some fucking reason right in a cafe and i've got fucking 12

digits like what why have you got 12 digits like what who do you think is trying to break into your wi-fi code at this little fucking local cafe for a start but all right i'm gonna type in the 12 digits because i need them they're all cap locks right they're all cap locks and numbers they're all cap locks and numbers what right so i go cap lock a cap locks right b l've got to go to nine. Then when I come back to capitals, they've gone back to lower case. Fucking keep out of the fucking capitals.

For fuck's sake. You double-pressed it. Do you know what I'm talking about? Yes. So why am I the one thinking of this? You've got billions of dollars in fucking San Francisco, Silicon Valley, whatever it is, and I'm here going, how have you not

thought of this? I agree. Here's one that really drives me nuts. But also, Sean, sorry, what happens if the next case is lowercase? And you're like, why? Don't put it on cap locks! Don't put it on cap locks! Don't put it on cap locks!

That's what cap locks is! To keep it at caps! Do you know if I get in a lift? Sorry. Right? If I get in a lift, first of all, a little annoyance,

the first little one is just someone else getting in a lift. Right? People. Just someone else getting in a lift and having to stop on a floor before mine. Oh my God. If they're going beyond me,

that's not as bad because I'm like, you haven't delayed me at all yeah right so let's say i'm going let's say i'm in a building and i'm going to the 20th floor just to give it a nice round number right i've got a meeting on the 20th floor so or let's say i lived on the 20th floor right i get in and i press 20 someone gets in if they press 10 or anywhere between like 8 and 12 i'm'm like, do you know what? Fair enough.

If they are going to the first or second or third floor, the irrational anger where I'm like, why haven't you just fucking walked, you fat lazy twat? Absolutely. If, the worst one for me, if I'm going to the 20th floor, if they press 19, die. honestly, I picture their demise. And it's not even like a quick one where I'm like, I just blow their head off.

I picture them getting like a brand new disease that isn't contagious. Oh my God. COVID's 20. Do you know what you should do? If they press 19, you just press 18. Oh, yeah. And then you text both of these ages.

Just ruin each other's day. Because then they'll be like, I can't be arsed. If you get in a lift and someone's pressed X and you're going to X minus one, be a fucking saint. Go with them to their floor and walk down one floor.

Or even just press, when they've gone out, press down. No, you've got to get out with them because otherwise floor and walk down one floor. Or even just press when they've gone out, press down. No, you've got to get out with them because otherwise it's weird. If you go to the 20th floor with someone and you haven't pressed the number and you stay in the lift and you're like, just right in the lift.

I just wanted to go where you were going anyway. Backed up for me. No, get out the lift and just go down the stairs, one floor. It will make their day. Tell them you've done it as well. Just go, I'm going to 19th actually, but I'm going to get off on the 20th and go down a floor for you. I will donate 400 grand to a charity of your choice

if you do that to me. You're talking about lifts for like high rise buildings right yeah now here's when you're in say a shopping center shopping centers what two floors maybe three floors three floor three three floors three four right yeah i now have a kid so i'm now spending time in lifts so i know all of this shit right you get in the lift you the lifts the lifts there are for disabled people and people with prams that's what they're there for fucking weirdos getting in the lift that aren't disabled and don't have a baby like there's escalate this isn't a hotel where

oh don't have to walk up the stairs there's a fucking escalator you sick freak climber why are you in the lift that's right why are you in the lift like there's an escalator that can take you you still don't have to walk you're just you've made the less space in the lift. Why have you chosen to stand in a little metal room with a baby and a couple and maybe another couple and a baby? What are you doing here? Do you not think? I agree.

Primark's bad for that. Primark, what people will get in the lift. When I see people get in the lift in Primark, I'm like, what are you doing? It takes ages. Are the escalators there? That is mental. You should not be using a lift if there are escalators.

No fucking way. Do you want to know a simple pleasure about Japan? Do you want to get in the lift and you press a button? I'm glad that was lift-related, by the way. If you press it again, it cancels it. And that's not a thing in this country. And it's all fucking believable. That's a simple pleasure. Do you know the other day? You've it and that's not a thing in this country and it's all fucking believable that's

that's a simple pleasure do you know the other day you've got to have a word in Japan well we we thought about that Carl lived in Japan for a while

but he doesn't he thinks the cultural differences would make it quite difficult how do you yeah because we're too not nice

and they're too polite and we would look like we just Logan Paul was the prime example just looked like a cunt you know the other day i got in my lift from my floor and pressed zero but i was carrying stuff to my car and i accidentally lent on the buttons and i hit seven six five three and two so i was going to the ground floor and i had to stop on all of them floors on the way down. That is literally...

Phenomenal. Right, do you want to do one more Simple Pleasure or do Underrated, Overrated? We'll do one more Simple Pleasure to round this section out and we'll do some Overrated, Underrated with Julie and Dean when they arrive. Simple Pleasure. I don't know if anyone's going to feel this.

Using a brand new sponge to do the dishes. Toby Smale. Sean, can you do me a favour? Can you press that button? Can you just press that button? Stop recording. Yeah. Really?

Yeah. Oh, we're back! Part three! Julian De's here. What's that? Great ass! Hi. It sounded like you were doing Al Pacino.

Why have you done that? You got that one! Ah! You got that one. Okay, okay, I'll do it. Who? Who? What are you, a fucking owl?

That's Margot Robbie. That's Margaret Thatcher. What are you doing? That's Margot Robbie in Heat. Who are What are you doing? That's Margot Robbie in Heat Oh I haven't seen Heat Oh that's in Wolf of Wall Street That's from Heat

Yeah yeah but I've seen that TikTok Oh I'm not saying What? No there's a TikTok from the film Heat Where he's like And I've seen that But I haven't seen the full film anyway julian you look like you're about to teach us yoga i can a few minutes i meant to press the chair button

adam where is it oh Yeah I've never seen that But I'm a huge fan of Al Pacino My favourite film he does is The Devil's Advocate That's good Don't you think he's got a bit of shit What since he's like gone senile Yeah What was his last film

Girls Pregnant You've got a little bit of a look of Al Pacino Can you do a depression Yes No I can't That was good of a look of Al Pacino. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You do a little bit. Can you do a depression? Hoo-ha. Yes. No, I can't. That was good. That was good.

That's Chris Sacabusi in it. That was the scent of a woman. Hoo-ha. Hoo-ha. That's Chris Sacabusi. I'm out of order. I'll show you where I'm out of order. This whole courtroom's out of order.

That's the scent of a woman in it. And then- Do you only know that from TikTok or the film? I think I might have seen that one, but I've definitely seen the TikTok. Okay. Devil's advocate, I've seen the whole film. God!

Is this the rest of it? Julian, you come all the way here to sit there for 40 minutes. He's an absentee landlord. Worship that never. I had coffee with Macaulay half an hour ago. that never. I had coffee with Macaulay half an hour ago. Julian, do you like any films?

We're going down that route. Are you a film guy, Julian? I've struggled a bit to watch a whole film, you know. Because of your phone? My phone? Because it doesn't start ringing. My phone? Because it doesn't start ringing.

Because of my brain really. I have to watch films in bits. TikTok's great for that. TikTok, yeah. They release them like a minute at a time. And you can watch them over a period of weeks. It's fucking... There's films on TikTok.

Yeah. So there'll be an account, like it'll be like a, you know... Do you have to keep swiping? Yeah. Don't say another Patino film, otherwise that's another 10 minutes of us. Woosah! What's the other ones that I've done?

The Irishman. I know. I bet the Irishman's crap in it. Have you not seen it? Nah. So yeah, The Exorcist. So it'll be like... The TikTok accountok accounts will be called the exorcist movie and the first one will be the first scene and then it'll be the first minute and then the

next one's the second minute and they upload it in minute increments i didn't know that happened and it's just a way to be a crack addict because you you don't want to watch a full film but you'll watch it a minute ago i mean i could I could probably do that, yeah. Yeah. Great. Well, there you go. Did it do that with films? Thanks, man. Films, done.

Yes. Didn't you have a question in the first half? I know we don't normally do prep so quickly, but what was the prep question about sport films? So it was relating to, what's the one with the Jamaican bobsled team again? It's cool, right? Yeah. And like dodgeball and stuff.

It was like, if you could create a film out of an obscure sport what sport would you pick table tennis a film that's a great

come on that's a great show about a little white scout who goes to China and embarrasses all of them I can play the lead

at table tennis yeah by being racist not bad yeah what would it be called what would he call it Adam Rose rise to fame

can someone take the loud bottle off the dog yeah that is that's distracting yeah do you know what can I just say

I thought that we might not have to ask for that but that went on for like 10 minutes everyone's just going Alfie that'll be alright actually just a bottle of water crackling in the background of a show um no so

uh right yeah what sport do you follow any sports i know you follow ufc i know you follow the ufc because i remember a few years ago when i lived in chester with danny mclin, we watched McGregor fight Aldo. At 4am while you had a roast dinner. That's a good show. Me and Danny McLaughlin made a full roast dinner and we timed it so that we would literally like be sat down with our roast as McGregor and Aldo were doing their ring walk and we nailed it.

He didn't want to roast. The weird cunt, right? That is weird. You didn't know to roast. The weird cunt, right? That is weird. You didn't know what offering on roast? At 4am. I'm alright. I think it's

an underrated time to have a roast at because what do you want after a roast? A big sleep. This is true. And what do you want at 5am?

You've got an Indian man to make you some food and then he got someone else to bring it to us. A curry, right? So he got a curry, we're having a roast now. And do you follow the UFC? Who the fuck brought you a curry at 4am? The Indian takeaway.

It wasn't a local neighbor. 4am! It wasn't just some gay... Yeah, in the north, takeaways are open late because all the nightclubs are local neighbour 4am it wasn't just some yeah in the north like takeaways are open late because all the nightclubs are open 4am

Saturday night Chester yeah you can get a sit down Chinese at 4am in Liverpool sit down not a stand up one you can sit in

just a sit down not a take out you can go into a Chinese restaurant at 4 o'clock in the morning call the Mayflower and it's shit it's full of fucking

dickheads as well but it's open yeah okay right I'm moving up north 13 seconds wasn't it

yeah so do you follow the UFC no explain this to me so this fight McGregor and Jose Aldo was built up over like two years

McGregor was very disrespectful to him Aldo had been the champion for a long time he was unbeaten in 10 years right noted butor was very disrespectful to him. Although he'd been the champion for a long time, he was unbeaten in 10 years. Right. Noted.

But how is one disrespectful to another ultimate fighter? I'll come to your favela and fucking fuck your mother in a pussy with me cock. Stuff like that. That's, can I just say that? It's very disrespectful. It seems polite, doesn't it?

Like racism, racism. And then like, you're basically undermining this man's fighting skills. Yeah. Yeah. You can't even punch Okay right so whose side

Were the two of you on I think at that time Everyone really was on the McGregor hype train Because he hadn't been Accused of any sexual assaults at that point Yeah yeah yeah That's when Sean started Liking him

Come to me Sean didn't come to me. Sean didn't even know he was a fighter. He was a fan of the assaults. He's just a fan of his assault record. Oh, my God. How well I know Julian, right? He's 23 and 0. He's 23.

Assaults, zero convictions. He's flying, you know, he's 23. He's got zero convictions. He's flying. Oh, does he fight as well? He's a poster on your wall. Doing the walk. I thought... When I know him, is when you said that, I thought, oh's gonna say what he said i know he's gonna say about him i don't like sexual assault

oh so lies brave julie oh my god against the grain it's disordered it's been built up for two years. Aldo pulled out with an injury at one point, didn't he? The first time, ready for Chapman versus Dardy. And then they built it back up. So they finally get in the ring after two years. But McGregor in the build-up to it had literally been telling people,

I'm going to win in the first round. Oh, wow. And I'm going to win because he's going to overextend with his left. And I'm going to take it, but release me right at the same time and knock him out. Because he's going to overextend with his left. And I'm going to take it, but release me right at the same time and knock him out. 13 seconds in to the first round. No.

Aldo reaches over with his leg, with his left. And McGregor takes it on the chin. And then sexually assaults him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Essentially, yeah. Essentially, yeah. Slaps him off. But 13 seconds in.

Now, I've never been like a proper avid MMA guy. Right, are you? Yeah. You're avid. And Karl and Steele are really into it. Avid, avid. But I was like... Not avid.

I was a McGregor fan. So I was really excited for this fight. Right. I really wanted to watch it, right? Right. And I missed one of the fastest knockouts in UFC history because I was cutting into a roast potato. So literally, they start and I'm like,

it's not going to be that quick. And I literally looked down and then I just heard Joe Rogan go, and I look up and it's over. By the time I'd looked up from my potato, which I hadn't even got into my mouth. It was insane. I'd driven from Wales to Chester as well,

like Hereford, just for that 13 seconds, man. It's a good job you clarified that it was Hereford because part of Chester's in Wales. That's what I just thought. What do you mean, next stop? I'd driven four miles. It was four minutes drive.

Sean, I feel like you would like the violence. I'm not, it's... Do you want to feel like you would like the violence? I'm not Do you like boxing? I do Only the big fights Yeah so UFC is all Yeah There's loads of big fights

Right You're going to watch the How do you get into it? Diaz is fighting Jake Paul Jake Paul I watch it just because Who have you got? Wait the YouTube guy

I think Diaz will get beat is it I know it's a shame he was in boxing no no no so he's still in boxing so Jake Paul

is having a boxing fight against Nate Diaz who used to be a UFC fighter and coming out to retirement he beat Conor McGregor yeah

he beat Conor McGregor yeah right but after McGregor was no it was McGregor's first loss it was in the height of McGregor, yeah. Right. But after McGregor was... No, it was McGregor's first loss. It was in the height of McGregor mania.

In the UFC. Yeah. Right. And then McGregor went downhill from there. And that's where you saw in his videos where he seems... I don't know what the rules are here, but he seems to be... He's had lots of cocaine. Right, we can say that.

And probably just the salt of the man. And he makes his own whiskey. And he likes it. Okay. Yeah. And... Yeah, yeah. Have a little sip say that. And he makes his own whiskey and he likes it. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have a little sip of that. Yeah. Yeah, they're dying, yeah.

Welcome to me pub. Yeah, that's terrifying. And so on. Yes. Okay, right. Oh, he's doing this now. He's going to be fighting Michael Chandler, but it's not going to happen because he's a fucking idiot.

Every time I see a video of him on my phone, it's just him going absolutely batshit mental. Yeah. Have you seen him shadow absolutely batshit mental. Yeah. Have you seen him shadowboxing behind the bar? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'd be on edge being around him, wouldn't you? It's so funny educating you on Conor McGregor

because every time I remember something else he's done, or that he is, no, don't Google it, it's fine. It sounds insane. So there's a pub in Dublin. Yes. And it used to be called something else. In many.

You're gone. And McGregor was in there one day and they stock his whiskey. So he ordered a whiskey for everyone. He's like, here you are, one of them pub products. Yeah, yeah.

Right? That's literally it. So they poured it out and the fella sat next to him on his right in the pub was an old man. And allegedly, the old man said,

I don't want any of your fucking shite whiskey. Keep that. So Conor McGregor punched his fucking head in. Right? This is a different story. That's on video, isn't it? It's just an old guy.

On video? So the pub, show that in a minute. Hold on that. So the pub, Ignore this. Well, I like, that's bang out of order. guy's a regular he's here every day he just didn't want your whiskey so they released the footage mcgregor i believe settled with the guy and was like yeah i have some money

i don't give a fuck he then bought the pub and barred the man right he changed the pub to be the black for gin Gin they do really high spec food they I don't think they sell Guinness anymore because Conor McGregor's made his own rival stout

they don't sell a lot of whiskies because he's made his own whisky and they're like you buy province where are you and sexual assault

is illegal occasionally it's international waters for sexual assault occasionally diplomatic immunity occasionally he just turns up there he goes behind especially for that I think It's international waters for sexual assault as well. Occasionally. Diplomatic immunity. Occasionally he just turns up there. They have a toilet specially for that, I think.

Occasionally he turns up there, goes behind the bar, and does a bit of shadow boxing and invites everyone to come round while he does it. And it looks like this. Look at that. Yeah, he's lost the actual cocaine is a hell of a drug so for like the last three seconds he's just dodging

punches like that's what happens when you go from like as famous as he was and then reach your pinnacle and then basically go oh I've beat it now let's just spend all this money on drugs do you know what it is? Ricky Hatton did the same thing sort of do you know when someone wins the lottery and then reach your pinnacle and then basically go, oh, I've beat it now. Let's just spend all this money on drugs. Do you know what it is?

Ricky Hatton did the same thing, right? Sort of. Do you know when someone wins the lottery, right? And they get like 12 mil. Like new money people. Yeah. And then a year later, they're back painting and decorating because they've spent the 12 mil.

He's that. He just can't spend it all. But the money keeps coming in. That's what he's doing now. He wins 12 mil every six months. And he's trying his absolute best to get his painting and decorating job back. But they just keep giving him more 12 million pounds.

He's on a Lamborghini yacht. Oh my God. Then two words. He just went, I want a Lamborghini yacht and it exists did that exist so how many Lamborghini yachts are there

about four can't be too many nah but imagine that being like he's just yeah like he's got to the top won both belts

didn't defend either of them so he's not a champ in my eyes but won both belts and then basically now he's just trying to fuck his life up in whatever way he tries to right and you like this guy um he was exciting wasn't he for the ufc when he was coming up yeah but he he did a lot for the sport he made

it mainstream really yeah totally but it's outgrown him now and now one of the Pauls is in WWE Logan Logan Paul yeah but no one's really asked about that Jake Paul is the one everyone keeps talking about but you liked WWE didn't you

I might there's nothing wrong with that I used to love it you still watch it now there's a lot wrong with that I will watch I will watch Wrestlemania you know it's not real

it's either either of films you know films aren't real but you yeah it's not real Either are films I know Films aren't real It's entertainment sport isn't it But the fact that you can bet on it is batshit You can't bet on it

You can bet on the win in WrestleMania Yeah but you can also bet on my combination of films Rocky 5 Can you bet on it If you want to ruin the WrestleMania Films being out six months Creed 4 Who wins? If you want to ruin the WrestleMania. Films being out six months. Three, four.

100 quid on Ivan Drago. A bookie's at the cinema. Do you know what that is? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I haven't seen it yet because I don't want to bet on it. I've seen the trailers. Oh, fucking big guy. The fight's in Russia. It's been four for years.

100 quid on Ivan've been driving over there. Four to one. I like that one. He actually loses in one. Rocky. Rocky loses in one, right? Spoilers. He loses to Mr. T.

No, maybe at the beginning of the film. He loses to Mr. T, but then comes back and fights him again. Oh, and he loses in the first one, yeah. No, in Rocky 1 yeah the end of the film is the triumph

is that he got to 12 rounds yeah yeah yeah but he did lose so he won he won the bet though the aim of it was to get 12 rounds yeah

I don't know no that's how we talk that wasn't just Adam but if you want to ruin WrestleMania Go on a betting app before it And it'll say like 1 to 1000

For X to win That's insane Because it's going to happen Because it's written down somewhere Yeah that's Because you bet on what's happened In EastEnders You can yeah

Not what's happened Both Sorry it happened yeah I reckon Carter Stacey's mum To check if you Remembered it correctly can you make bets

on EastEnders Omnibus can I have 100 quid on Phil's brother being called Grand Please yeah yeah yeah Dirty Dan is dead

under power but like if there's like a like let's say the build up to like the EastEnders Christmas storyline is there's a fire at the Queen Vic

and like everyone gets out but one person it's like who is it still inside like the bookies will let you bet on who they're going to kill off well before it's been written

before it's been released ah so you could if you had inside knowledge you could cheat yeah well I know somebody whose mum used to be used to sell houses

to footballers when they'd move to the city so she'd know when a footballers when they'd move to the city. So she'd know when a footballer would buy a house in the city. But then she'd go, oh, I remember one

of them was Suarez. She was like, oh, I'll show up around the show to a wine guy today. But if he bets or I bet or anybody knows bets, she'd

get in so much trouble because she's part of the club. It's illegal. Yeah. Because I could go, let me see what Suarez makes a

little pool. There's 10 grand. So what people obviously do is you tell someone to tell someone... No, no, no. Does it get back to you? No, but people would.

No, but they do do it. People would tell someone that tells someone that tells someone that tells someone and you split it. Yeah. Yeah, but then all they go is...

It would raise suspicion, wouldn't it? Yeah, someone just won 50 grand on that and they go, right, that's what... They would find it out in the end. That's terrifying. Yeah.

That's very creepy the WrestleMania thing has more of a chance though because there is the chance that someone just breaks the leg

jumping off and then they can't win was Lesnar meant to beat Undertaker apparently he wasn't yeah he was told

on the day do you know about this do you know about the streak no so the Undertaker, they worked out after...

Is he a wrestler? He's a wrestler. Shut up. Right. After about his first WrestleMania... Right.

Unbelievable. His first WrestleMania was WrestleMania 8. Yeah. Right. What number are we up to now? Modern day. Oh shit, was WrestleMania 8. Yeah. Right? What number are we up to now, modern day? Oh, shit.

Good question. 40-odd. Nearly 40. Oh, wow. He's been a while. Is he still fighting? Is he still a man? No, he's just resigned.

He's still a man. He's still alive. Is he a woman now? Yes. Hulk Hogan still doing things? No. Yeah, being racist. No.

Is he? Yeah. Is he? Hasn't he been erased from WWF and stuff? Same as Chris Benoit was? WWF? It's slightly different. What did he say that was racist?

I'm not going to say the word, but am I getting that wrong? Yeah, Harry's not on the tape, yeah. Someone made a sex tape. Oh, that was him and someone's wife. Yeah. And then the person him and someone's wife. Yeah. And then the person who filmed it sold it. But I think in that video... It was a big court case, wasn't it?

Yeah, and in that video, I think he says a terrible word. I mean, during sex, racism's okay, though, isn't it? Twins of the Aspen, I've always wondered about this. That's true. Porn is the only place where racism's all right isn't it you can google some nasty race i mean like in porn they use the worst words but it is the only place where racism isn't being called out, isn't it?

Well, the categorizers... Because I want to admit they saw it. Yeah? Categorizers of race? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what can you make... Well, not that... Sean pretending he ain't seen loads of it.

I feel like we need to confirm that this is a thing. I'm leaving have a word, having been accused of sexual assault and racism. You haven't been accused of racism. But like, my question to you. Let's say you were a single man, right? And you sleep with a girl and she's of a different ethnicity.

You can pick whichever one you like in your head, okay? What's your favourite? Or least favourite might be better. Right? For a height fuck. Right? So let's, like, we'll just... We'll just...

Let's say Scottish, right? And we know... Is that a race? No, it's not. That's why it can't be racist. It's the easiest one. Right? So let's say you're shagging this Scottish girl.

This is very odd. And she's like, fucking call me a Scottish bitch. Right? Right. Now replace Scottish with any race you like. Any other race. Would you do it? If she was begging you to do it.

If she said, stop calling me a Scottish bitch. Would you stop? Stop saying that. Why are you saying that? I'm not even Scottish. Call me a Scottish bitch. I have been, but just not to your face. Look at my WhatsApps.

I love Scottish people, by the way. Oh, my God. Especially them bitches. I would. I don't think you can say no in the bedroom. I think afterwards you go, hey, listen, I won't do that again. There's words you wouldn't say. Well, I wouldn't say them can say no in the bedroom. I think afterwards you go, hey, listen, I won't do that again. There's words you wouldn't say.

Well, I wouldn't say them. If she was going... Even if they asked? Yeah. I'm telling you right now, let's say... We all know that the worst one is the N word. If I was sleeping... What's the N word? Nigel.

Call me Nigel. Call me a dirty, stinking Nigel. No way am I calling you Nigel. I'm not misgendering you. That's probably more offensive now. Call me he, him. No way. I'm getting on Twitter.

Oh my God. But if a girl... My first thought would be I'm being set up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If I was... By the person? I think they're recording me. Your second thought would be,

should I pronounce it like this or like that? Yeah, but if they are recording you, then as in like voice recording, just preface it with,'m banging her then say it yeah but they could cut it out but nowadays with AI they can make you say anything anyway can't they

are you shagging the AI yeah yeah most of my sex includes AI I have said actually nothing on this podcast. It was all AI. All that stuff that Julian said about me was AI. I would say, and you asked,

and afterwards I'd go, listen, I wasn't comfortable saying that, but I wasn't going to ruin the vibe by going, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't say it like that. Call me this. No. You do anything that is...

No, don't want to. It would feel really uncomfortable, wouldn't it? Complying to that. I think it would take you out of the moment would it might take you deeper into it get me involved more no you might be end up you discover that's your kink to like just be saying what if someone who wasn't that race asked you to call them a... You're safe then. Oh yeah. Yeah, because she'd have had to ask you to say it and she'd be saying it as well.

True. So if someone Australian was saying, call me a Welsh whore. Yeah. Yeah. Would you do that? Nice and on the face. Yeah, why not?

Yeah. Two solid nations there. I'm not King Shane. Two that people aren. I'm not kink-shaming no one. Two that people aren't going to be upset about. Australian and Wales. Let's go. That'll do. Obviously, I should have said working.

It'd be worse to kink-shame them, wouldn't it, by not doing it? Yeah. Exactly. You give them what you want and then afterwards go, I'm sorry. I mean, you check for cameras and fucking audios.

How do you check for that? Without killing the moment? Take them to your place. So that you know there's cameras there. You know you're in control of it all. In your little mixing room. That no one knows about. I've worked studios for these guys filming.

Hey, we make a good eight as well. Yeah, really good. Yeah, after you've finished, you pop up and go, get some great clips out of that. Try to subtitle it for you. Oh, my God. Deary me. So is it, sorry, is racist porn a real real thing could you just yeah it is so if you

were to go on what what what would be a porn channel you might use i don't you i don't watch it of course but what you told me earlier was porn hubs one isn't it oh there's one yeah so if you were to go to porn hub you were to put the n word in and videos would come up yeah i'm not i reckon so wild form hang on you reckon so you know i'm not saying that you try it nope we are not going to do that no i'm not don't do that just shut up just racist what what i've been racist on porn racist porn do it go on that's all i'm saying not Nothing! Shut up! Just racist. What? What? They've been racist on porno.

Racist porn. Do it. Go on, Steve. That's all I'm saying. Not... That's too... I wouldn't worry about this, Will. Who clicks no, by the way, though? By the way, that is the most pointless webpage on the internet, isn't it?

On the front of porno. Are you over 18? No results. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No results. No, but porno's quite a mainstream one now, isn't it? If you say no, they take you to like underage stuff. Not really.

Nigel's having his dick sucked off a tinge, isn't he? That's the little secret dark web route. 50 Nigels. 50 Nigels. Sounds like a start to a joke. What are we doing? I need to get out and get some sleep. Am I allowed to have a wink

what the hell are we doing I was just watching that as if that was normal just kept right yeah okay so they don't do that but they do do that

okay nice lovely but Pornhub's quite a mainstream one now so I'm guessing that is very well monitored yeah yeah yeah so does anyone know any indie ones

with like alternative cool oh no no I liked it before it was big my mate occasionally sends me a gif on WhatsApp and it'll just be some sort of porn. Some sort of porn? Do you want to see when he sent me Esty?

I don't know what... Are you asking me to watch it? I'm just wondering whether you want to see it. You will like it. I will like it? Porn is not good for your mental health, is it? I can't... I can't... Okay, but I don't know how health, is it? I can't. I can't.

Okay. Well, I don't know how to continue with porn. I can't. What is this, Emily? Look at your face. Look how much you love a laugh. That is why I'm sorry. Can you follow me up, please?

Yeah. Is it good? It looks good. What was it? Can you describe it? Have you got your phone in there? Oh, fucking hell. This is what's happened. Can you describe it? Have you got your phone on you? Oh, fucking hell! This is what's happened.

Can you put it on the screen? I'll show you in the break. It's fantastic. That's a bit rough, isn't it? That's a bit rough. Describe it, though, for the listeners. There's a man, and he's got his willy. No, don't say it. The mystery's better. Okay. There's a man and he's got his willy. No, don't say it. The mystery's better.

Right. Okay. There's a man and he's got his willy. I'll post it on a TVI patron. It's not for the faint-hearted. No. What's TVI, Julian?

Tell the people. TVI is a podcast I do with Carl Donnelly. What does TVI stand for? TVI used to stand for Two Vegan Idiots, but we kind of changed it to TVI because people don't like vegans. So what's it stand for? TVI, it used to stand for two vegan idiots, but we kind of changed it to TVI

because people don't like vegans. So what's it stand for now? Just TVI. It's true. It's like ITV. What does ITV stand for? Independent television. What's the V, mate?

Oh, yeah, television. Oh, yeah. Television is one way Put the tea on Alright what about What about BHA British Homestores Alright

Asda Asda is assorted dairies Is it? Assorted dairies Tesco Tesco's a word Not an abbreviation Sainsbury's is a name isn't it

Yeah it's got an apostrophe for the S meaning the man ownership ownership but with TVI what's interesting

is that they had to kind of get rid of two vegan idiots because the vegan bit puts people off and makes people and it's nothing about

vegans is it you've done it I did it in Carl's house once and on Zoom as well yeah yeah

in the lockdown Carl was the recent guest of the lock-in if you haven't seen movies on mod but my brother I recommended TVI to my brother

and he was like what's your style for and I said too big an idiot so then he said I'm not listening to that shit and I was like oh no it's not

they're not that so that's why you've changed it yeah because you're a brother yeah it is a buzzword you do need a new And I was like, oh no, it's not, they're not, they're not that. So that's why you've changed it. Yeah, because you're a brother. It is a buzzword. You do need a new acronym now. Do you think?

Yeah. They need to come up with something that it stands for. Yeah. Do you think you need it? Because I think most people are like, what's TVI? Yeah, and then about- Two virgin idiots. No, two vagina inspectors. Yeah. There we go. Well, two vagina inspectors. Yeah, yeah.

There we go. Well, it's actually one vagina inspector and Carl Donnelly. Two virgin incels. You get loads of listeners for that. You would as well, yeah. It'd be very, very, very popular. Yes. Do you know what Google stands for?

When you Google something, it comes from that, doesn't it? Isn't Google a number? It is, yeah. Google, yeah. What does what Google stands for? When you Google something, it comes from that, doesn't it? Isn't Google a number? It is, yeah. Google, yeah. What Tesco stands for? Does it stand for something? Tell everyone Simon's cock's horrible.

You've been thinking that the whole time. Is that genuine, yeah? You've been thinking about that the whole time. Did you know laser is an acronym? Shut up. Yeah. Laser, as in... The word laser is an acronym for what a laser the word laser is an acronym

for what a laser is which is a laser is this the kind of stuff that you look at before you fall asleep yeah you're saying

in the break that you always like to be learning something even if it's pointless yeah light amplification stimulated emission

of radiation laser now just knowing that piece of information, how does that... Go to podcasts. As he's proved. There you go.

Do you know last night I couldn't get to sleep and then I didn't want to go to sleep because when I was going to sleep, my brain was giving me films that I didn't want

to watch. Didn't want to watch? You know what I mean? Your brain's like, hey, what do you think about this? I'm like, I'm not going to sleep

with you there. Oh, yeah. I think my brain wasn my brain's like, like, hey, what do you think about this? I'm like, I'm not going to sleep with you there. Oh, really? I think my brain wasn't going. It's congeniality, too. Yeah, that's what I thought you meant. Plane. You're like, oh, I don't know. Like, you lived on the Netflix menu.

Just there, like, yeah. I don't want to watch this. Oh, well. Oh, my God. Home Alone 4. Oh, no. Boo, boo. I spent about 20 minutes

trying to figure out whether Dallasallas was closest to chicago or mexico city and i did it by going screenshot on the map what screen by the way you said screenshotting the map you mean in your head no on the iphone why didn't you just google it if you're on the phone because i didn't i wanted to achieve it ah so then So then I sent it to Daniel Sloss's old number on WhatsApp, which is the phone number I send things to on WhatsApp when I just,

because no one's got that number. So it's like, I just send it there and no one's going to see it. I can just do whatever I want with it. So I sent the picture to Daniel Sloss's old number and then I put an emoji

in between Dallas and Chicago and then moved it in between Dallas and Chicago and then moved it in between Dallas and Mexico City to see... What emoji did you go for? What? What emoji did you go with? A line.

Oh, clever. And then that didn't work so I used four footballs. How many footballs away was Dallas? So Chicago to Dallas was exactly four footballs. Yeah. And Dallas to Mexico City

was slightly more than four footballs and Dallas to Mexico City was slightly more than four footballs. Are you planning to go there? No. Did you account for the curvature of the air? This is autism, by the way.

We didn't know what this was. This is just, this is like pure autism. And you did this, you did this to stop negative thoughts getting, what they're called

in the M020. I think that is an intrusive thought. I was just, I was looking at the map of the United States and then they look

like really similar gaps and I thought I wonder which one's bigger wow now what I'm interested in in that

well all of it but the number yeah the I want to go back to Daniel Sloss's old number did you send it

to his old number yeah why not his new number because because if I send it to his new number then he. Why not his new number? Because if I send it to his new number, then he'll get the message. Yeah. And I don't want that.

What Adam wants to do is send stuff from Lost. Sometimes you can make a video into a GIF by sending it on WOTA, and I don't want to send it to someone and they see it, so I send it to someone's number. It doesn't work anymore. So, like, this is Daniel Sloss' old number, and I've sent him that video for whatever reason.

I've sent him that photo. I must have been like... Is that that you've got a pizza emoji there yeah so i wanted to put the pizza emoji on the picture and the best way to do that is in whatsapp but i need to send it to someone so that i can then save it i don't even know if the pizza is closer to your head or the pizza box uh i think i can't remember what that one was for and then this i can't remember what this one was for but i've given him a speech bubble saying anyone

has any information please get in touch. There's a screenshot of Bo Burnham and then the rest are just messages. But you know, sorry,

information that you might enjoy is that you can send stuff to you on WhatsApp. Did you know that? No. To yourself. You can send stuff

to yourself and in brackets it says me. Do I have to send you a number? Do you know that? No. Yeah. To yourself. You can send stuff to yourself. And it brackets, it says me. Do I have friends? What do you mean you haven't got your number? What do you mean you haven't got your number? He's never asked himself. That's the most mental thing.

Why don't you ask yourself? I feel like the universe is now going to collapse within itself because your phone doesn't have your number. What? Why don't you text yourself? That's like saying, where do you live?

I live there, but I don't have my address. But you live there. Yeah, but he doesn't know what the address is and I don't know where I live. I've never saved my own number. Your number's in your phone now.

Your phone knows your number. At the top it says. So if I search my own name. Do it. It won't. Nah, will it? I don't know now. No, it won't.

It won't be. At the top it'll say it though. But it'll say me. It'll say me. So if I search me me that just isn't real so you've not come up no by typing

what did you type me oh yeah it does yeah thank you you've looked up stuff on your phone there right

and you've seen images and you can't remember why you've sent those images to Daniel Sloss's old number I've sent them to Daniel Sloss's old number so i can save them to send someone else i

know that but you're looking at them now with time ahead looking at it going what what did that mean what notes do people have on their phones where you look at it and you go what the fuck was that about julian do do you have that you haven't got your phone on you, have you? No. Do you know what my notes are? Where is your phone? It's turned off in my bag. Very professional.

So, mine is just funny things I've said. I could have said that I don't want to forget. We were in Japan once and we were talking to somebody and he said

their uncle was a wheelchair basketball player and my partner's first question was, is he tall and i never wanted to forget that so i put it in my notes another one is a that is excellent we're on a train and a signal went off and she forgot the name for tunnel she went because your signal goes off you went are we in a cupboard she couldn't remember tunnel went cupboard okay right first of all was he tall was his torso long she she said well apparently it's easy to be

smaller than it because you're more agile she didn't she didn't give me an answer she just kind of because they can't dunk can they and that's the only reason you want to be tall isn't it yeah that is a fair point i mean that is the point as anybody imagine if you dunked and you're like you're not you're not disabled but that's all he found you about because you got out and dunked yeah yeah i either i have this is from adam's notes either i have ibs or every chef on the planet is conspiring to give me food poisoning. Get that in there. Do you have notes on your phone, Julian?

I don't have notes, no. Which means you don't have notes. You're meant to be a comedian. I don't mean you're meant to be... I just riff on stage, man. You know that. Do you not like something happens and then you pop something in your phone? My email drafts.

You put in your email drafts? What, as a note? Yeah. That is fucking serial killer level madness, that. It's kind of similar to sending things to dead WhatsApps, though, isn't it? Yeah. That is, yeah. It's not too dissimilar, really.

No, because that's my only option. No, you're taking bad trips now. Yeah, now. I didn't know that was an option. What else? We've lost our fucking minds. Yeah, mine's just... Yeah, so they've got a wheelchair basketball player.

Yeah, mine's just... She thought the phrase stroking your ego. Yes. She thought it was petting your eagle. I was like, I'm never forgetting that. And I haven't because it's in the book. That's fucking amazing. There's actually a meme of this.

And I thought this before the meme. Well, obviously I thought this before the meme because I was a kid. But when I got on the Eurostar, when I was a kid, I was disappointed to find out that the train wasn't going through the water. I thought you'd be able disappointed to find out that the train wasn't going through

the water I thought you'd be able to see the fish through the window yeah I know what you mean because the Liverpool Mersey Tunnel which goes from

Liverpool to Birkenhead yeah I used to think you went through the water yes and the water

like it was like car in a tunnel and then here was the water yes and I still think that and I have to tell myself it's not that yeah because when you said that because you go into the bed of the river and then here was the water yes and I still think that and I have to tell myself it's not that

yeah because when you said that because you go into the bed of the room you go into the ground and then you go yes which is fucking

they're cheating it's not even a tunnel it's done my head isn't it you've just reminded me that bollocks that yeah don't like it

because I always think how the fuck are they building it are they all like swimming around building stuff yeah yeah yeah they're in the ground aren't they

precisely did you think of anything yeah please Julian blow your nose. No worries. Your dog just blew me out, man. Oh, he's a loner. Is it? That's good.

Yeah. He'll still be near you. Look, he wants to be near you. Oh. My dogs are so needy, man. Oh, he gets needy at night, but right now he's like, you know. How many dogs have you got? Two.

Yeah. How many kids have you got? Um. Can we pause a sec? You've got loads, haven't you? I've got five all together, yeah. All together? Two different mums.

Oh, have you? Yeah. I didn't know that. What are we saying? I was going to say, what are we saying? Sex? What are we saying, Jen? That of the two boys, two girls?

What is it? Two, the two, two boys, two girls, what is it? Two, the two, three boys, two girls. I have obviously, as you know, just become a dad.

Congratulations, man. Thank you very much. About five and a half months ago. With the experience that you've got with all of those children, what advice would you give?

What is to come? Move out. Bin them off. Is five as hard as one or is it easier I think with yeah one is the biggest shock isn't it

well I don't know because I've not had two but two they kind of keep each other company that's quite nice yeah and stuff like that

look after each other because because I'm not around. Because I'm fucked off. Once you have three, though, they won't look after each other. And is that from experience? It's from the Madeline McCann case, yeah.

Oh! Three's a crowd, that's how they got rid of her. Oh! Like, two of them will watch while the other gets taken away two's company in it like fuck off two's company sees a crowd on your go out the window or behind the couch i don't agree with that by the way does she have did she have siblings i think three i'm sorry i've always thought this three is better better than two. Why? Yeah, three is... That is wrong. They need to get that saying. They need to change it.

That is... It's... It's... Is there a saying, then? No, he's not talking about children. He's talking about the phrase two is too many, three is a crowd. That doesn't apply to kids, I don't think.

No, yeah, no. I just... As a side note... That's for a good time. I think three is the perfect friendship. Yeah, because you can hide in a three still. Yeah. You can be talking. Because there's a middle one, and they don't know friendship yeah because you can hide in a three still yeah two can be talking

because there's a middle one and they don't know what that means and also with three with three you can have you can kind of a judge

can be rotated around so say for example it was us three he says something there's some balance you two have an argument

it can come to me and I can go well and suddenly I'm judge which is great fun and i get to decide basically who is right and then so me and youtube we're having a debate then we'll go i mean it's talking madness if there's similar ages now whatever you say kind of goes you have this mystical power it's a very good point when i'm in a three and the other two tell me i'm wrong i think i'm just with two fucking idiots I don't go

oh I'm wrong I go oh two people are wrong just bang their heads together in a sense this vote's worth three so it doesn't matter in my head I'm like

yeah cool you two vote that way but obviously I am still like the majority shareholder here so I win that's strength of character

yes very well done I'm a leader Lions don't worry about wolves Or something And have you got that pillow there to cover your erection Yep I just feel a bit self conscious with my Big old dick

Pushing against my jeans Sorry I don't know. I just feel cosy like this. Is that alright? Yeah, it's nice. Yeah. Do you always sort of,

because you're sat now, Julian. Perfect posture, man. It's good posture. You're sat there and you look like you're kind of in a yoga position.

Your legs are crossed like you're at school. That, normally, that would be, and I'm sure you, Adam, have loads of these, but you're doing something now that I would be on my list of

that bloke's a tit no you're not a tit I love you but you are doing something I like it do you take your shoes off I would are you a shoes off guy

no I would again I love you but if you were doing that on a train I would think tit I wouldn't do this what is going on I wouldn't do this on a train, I would think tit. I wouldn't do this on a train. What is going on? I wouldn't do this on a train. You might.

I'd just show my boner on a train. You can't have a train if you're not on the table. I feel self-conscious I've got the cushion there. Oh my God. On the fucking drink straw there. But when you're

Around a mate's house On the sofa You can chill like this Isn't it I would I would I would I would

I would have to What would you I'd have to flag it If you just sat like that In my flat I would go Why are you sitting like that How long would a train

Have to be For you to be okay With me taking my shoes off If it was an overnight The journey Yeah Do you know what actually julian i would say that the time of day does have to be taken into account and i would say

if if we if we're heading into the night it's night time and the train is not packed then please take your shoes off but daytime get fucked put your shoes on people are going to work let's say let's say i lived in london i mean you were going to work. Let's say I lived in London and me and you were going to do a gig together in Leeds and you'd gone, right, I'll do the whole drive there, you do the whole

drive back. On the drive there, can I take my shoes off in the passenger seat? In my car? Yeah. My car?

Absolutely fuck off. Why? I have my feet on the fucking dashboard. No, no, no. I want to put my feet on your lap. No, no, no.

Can I straddle you? On the way back. If I have a bad gig, can I hold you on the way back? Just lay my ear on your lap. All right, Sean, 90 minute flight. No. Planes or shoes off? You can take your shoes off.

Okay, planes. Not on a rush hour commuter tube in London. A tube is a wild one. Although women sit there putting their makeup on. Going from Piccadilly Circus to Holborn. But women do their makeup on the tube. Yeah. Which is, you kind of notice it. It's like, wow.

And they look way better afterwards. Oh, my God. You should put a bit more on. Good idea. I didn't know what you were doing with feedback. It's a good idea, that. I'd have done the same if I was you. Oh, my God.

That's our equivalent of shaving. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that would be called out, wouldn't it? Yeah. If you just did it. Because hair's going to go everywhere. Imagine you came to my house. Yeah.

Because we're not close friends. No. You come to my house and you're... Okay. Let's make it official. We're kind of humming and harring, but just so in case you're listening. If you're wondering, we are not close friends.

I knock on your door in London, you're going to go, oh yeah, you're going to go, what the fuck are you doing here? That's what I mean. I think if anyone knocks on anyone's door, anywhere in the world, you're fucking weird. It's 2023. I just want a text that says, I'm outside. Those are the doors.

You don't even ring the bell, you fucking creep. Text, I'm outside. And then I'll go, I'll be out in a minute. But I think there's people who knock on your door and oh yeah but are you like you were like where you were yeah that yes i would be very surprised i'm not like oh if you came to my house you're there for three hours would you know one should knock unexpected though should they no no absolutely absolutely never oh it's not 1984 which brings me to I bring my own sound effects here but

but right with the modern world again this thing of technology is changing the way we behave the fact that we can communicate so much more often

feels like we're all intertwined with each other's lives even though we don't see each other as often right if me and you let's just pretend let's go into a wacky let's pretend you like each other yeah a wacky sci-fi world right let's make belief world when we get on but there's levels of friendship that i'm not at. Don't worry, I absolutely agree, understand. And I'm very hard. Me and you, we agree,

what's the day today? I've completely got this going. It's Wednesday. We agree to meet on Saturday. But you have to live in the same city for this. So I've moved up north and I'm here

and we agree, let's meet up on Saturday. If I turn up at the destination that we've agreed to meet without the text happening that says are you still up for today? Oh, that's mad.

That's madness. Correct answer. That's insane. Absolutely insane. Did he see one in the middle? I made plans with a friend of mine, Steve. I'm like, someday I'm walking my dog in a high park. I look at my phone and there's ten missed calls. I'm like, hello mate, is everything alright? He's like, I'm walking my dog in a high park. I look at my phone, there's 10 missed calls. I'm like, hello, is everything all right?

He's like, I'm outside. I'm like, outside where? He's like, your house. Why? Well, we agreed to meet. Yeah, but we didn't text. Are you still on for today? What the fuck are you doing outside of my house?

You nutter. No, I would send the check text, but it's on until it's not. No, no, no. It depends on how much time has passed. It's not on until it is. Yeah, exactly no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no and he's up in the first place? What is the point? How recently? But how recently was the arrangement? Exactly, that's the question. If it was an hour before. Do you want to meet up in an hour? And an hour later he's like, where are you?

If it was two weeks ago, man. You need to block them. You need to block two minutes ago. Right, okay, so let's say he's got a good question. So your example you used was it's Wednesday, it's Saturday. So you're saying that's too far. Yeah.

So it's Saturday, right? So Saturday's the meet day. If I'd arranged to meet you, let's say I text you tomorrow. Is that still too far? Is Friday too far? If it was like at 7am tomorrow, that's all right alright isn't it

Wait wait wait But if you had time To confirm in the morning Like if it was the afternoon You've got to confirm In the morning ain't you Yeah Of course

If I'm coming to yours at midday You text me at 10 Go on you're still coming You just would And I go yeah I'm on my way Do you ever get married And you're expecting a text On the morning

I've gone We're on today Hang on From your mistress But But here I have a word I got a text from you Last night saying we're still

Over tomorrow Do you know why I did that though? Because it's you I accept that Back to my point You're not in my house What are you doing here? We're not even mates

I hate you I accept that yeah back to my point you knock on my house why or what are you doing here we're not even mates yes and you're at my house I hate you you did shut your face here for what you did I think you're at the wrong door you're at my house

for three hours are you keeping your shoes on the whole time yeah well some houses you want do you does anyone have their shoes off

in house some houses want your shoes off it's a good yeah it's an interesting one some people want them off my mum likes their shoes off? Some houses want your shoes off. Yeah, it's an interesting one. Some people want them off when they get in on a bouncy castle. My mum likes my shoes off. Yes, Sam? And my trousers.

Your trousers off at the door? Fold your clothes up, put them over the chair. Come on, son, slip off. And your friend. Come on. You're in my front room. We've just had the carpet done. Do you mind taking your pants off?

You're in my front room. Do you mind having a shower quickly? You just decorated the hallway. Oh, okay. You're in the shower. You don't know how them two things are connected. Rightio.

Get in the shower. Can you use the bidet? I've just had the aircon cleaned. Then new curtains. Do you think you could suck my dick? We're back. We are. You know, we don't lie.

What part? The last section. Part four. It's been a long episode today, but this could be one of our longest. Really? I don't think we're beating the longest, though the longest is Dane Baptista,

three hours 20. Yeah, don't think we're beating... We're not going to be a million miles away. Do you know what I'm saying? No. Gold, we'll see. Oh my God. I've got a trainer at 45 past four. That's all right. We're not going to be a million miles away. Is that what you're saying? No. Gold. We'll see. Oh, my God.

I've got a trainer at 45 past four. That's all right. You'll be fine. I don't worry about that. 45 past? I think so. Something like that. Who says 45 past?

They're not close to five. When you go past the half, it's two, isn't it? I don't think I've ever said that before. I've found a new way of saying time. Oh my God. 59 minutes past. Have you really pre-booked a train ticket so that you have to get on a specific train?

As opposed to get on the train without having a ticket. As opposed to... An open return. Yeah. No, I didn't. I booked it. But when did you book it? A few days ago.

But if you sorry I'm interested yesterday maybe I'm aiming for something if you have only bought it a few days ago

or yesterday maybe so if you booked it yesterday you don't get the how much did that cost you four grand Julian that is a little bit expensive you know it's what four grand

does it cost you hundreds of pounds you don't understand no he has to book four seats so he can do that on the table in the quiet just booked a table didn't even have a seat keep your chairs mate

I've got some someone needs advice advice we will get to that in a sec Julian so you have got TVI, which is your podcast with Carl Donnelly. TVI.

We are TVI is the social medias. Okay. We are TVI. Yeah. We are TVI. And you're on social media yourself. Is it at Julian Dean? Julian Dean, comedian.

Wonderful. And they will obviously be in the description. Sean, you got anything coming up? Coming up? Annoyingly, I'm not in Liverpool. I'm not touring in Liverpool. You are now. I'm pissed off about,

but I am on tour to the lids that are around the country. I'm around. And Hackney Empire, London in September. If you're listening in London, there's still some tickets left, but I'm really happy with that. So, thank you. Wonderful. And you've got a few specials on YouTube

Yeah I've got Kiss which Lids have probably seen because I've come in here and very gratefully promoted it but I've got of course my own podcast I've got one with legend Jack D if you own a dog it's called Oh My Dog me and Jack D and then of course What's Upset You Now with me and

Paul McCaffrey where we piss and moan for 15 minutes. Two podcasts well worth checking out. Especially if you haven't seen it, Kiss on YouTube is excellent. And if Sean is touring near you, go and see him. There we go. Where do you get your tickets, Sean, if anyone wants to see you?

SeanWalsh.com. Thank you. Yes, I appreciate that. Some questions? We need the advice button pressing please oh we do come on where is it need to turn that slider up this one yep i'll solve you there we go i'll tell you the best thing to do if you want to do it you'll be fine if you don't you might do time agony adam there we go right how can we help like this is from david this is just people getting in touch julian because they see how we're flying you know like those people know everything well especially today they're asking advice well they knew they they specifically knew we had julian dean on and they're like fuck we need help i give who can we go to well when you know the subject of this

um we'll see how you can say that again uh hi lids please get my last name off this need some existential just give him a name just say his full name and give me some advice from open jake garrett i need some existential advice we bought my dad a DNA kit for his birthday since he wasn't raised by his biological parents and he knew very little about them okay

that's a bold move when we got the results it came back with DNA I've got a long lost Chinese sister by the way it came back that we were adopted

he has a long lost Chinese sister what? I've got a long lost Chinese sister have you? and I've got a Spanish brother and sister as well

I don't know carry on is that her name adam is this one of julian's children getting in touch let's see yeah so they just just start this again like you know not waiting for where give us the um dad doesn't know mum and dad so their kids have bought them a DNA test

happy birthday is it a happy birthday though sweet but the DNA matches have come back and matched to other people

who have done it and in turn their family ancestry his parents are siblings no long story short my dad and subsequently me

found out that he stemmed from Germany and that my great grandad was a high ranking officer in the SS we have fucking Nazi blood in us and subsequently me found out that he's stemmed from Germany and that my great-grandad was a high-ranking officer in the SS. We have fucking Nazi blood in us.

Respect. It sent us all a bit west, not to mention my Polish girlfriend. That's a joke. And my dad has taken it hard in an existential way.

I mean, that must be awful news. Anyway, any advice on how to deal with this? How to make my dad feel alright for being a descendant of the third Reich cheers lids keep my name so just to get this 100% clear

before we try and deal with it someone's found out that their grandad was a proper bad Nazi and he's come to us at least he wasn't a low ranking Nazi he's something to be proud of at least yeah that's the thing if you're going to find out your grandad was a Nazi you want him to have been someone who, you know...

Who wasn't just following orders, but giving them. I want to know you met Hitler. Goebbels. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. I want to know. At some point, Hitler looked at her and went, nice one, lad.

I mean, if you were a white German around that time, chances are that you were... Julian, chances are that you were white. I don't think you need to put white in there beforehand. Do you? Have I missed something? Yeah, yeah, there were Jewish Germans. Did you hear about weapons?

Do you really need filling in on the Second World War? Jewish people, oh, I mean, this is dangerous ground. But I think I'm safe here. Jewish people are white oh I mean this is dangerous ground but I think I'm safe here Jewish people are white no no oh what's happened Jewish people

someone's learning Jewish people are Jews suddenly Sean doesn't like them what do you mean Jewish people are Jewish Jews aren't white they're Jewish but you can't Jew is not a colour

is it? No. What colour should we get these walls? No. Jew. Bring it up in Jew, we'll go really nice with the curtains. Sean, have you not seen the...

We don't say Chinese either, do we? That's the point. I reckon the Jew will go really nice with these Chinese curtains. Are Chinese people white? No. Are they black? No. Right. They're Chinese, aren't they? Chinese people white? No. Are they black? No. Right, they're Chinese, aren't they?

Chinese people are Chinese the way Jewish people are Jews. You can convert to Judaism, but you're- You can't convert to being Chinese. Can't you, no. Not on camera, you can't. So if you can convert to Judaism, I think I'm a bit Jewish anyway, so I can say stuff, can't I?

I can say the J-bomb. Don't fucking look at me. You can say Jew. Why don't you just say Jewish-ish? Jew-ish. What did I say? Well, you're saying you're Jewish. I don't know if I am. I've just got a feeling that I am. What's the feeling? She's got loads of money. No, my dad changed my surname from Golden to Dean. That's a good sign.

Just yours. Don't you think I look a bit Jew, Eno? I have a... Do you know what? By the way, I wasn't sure if I was allowed to say that, but as you are asking me, I do think you do look Jewish. Yeah, yeah. So, I have... That's really offensive.

I have a close friend who is Jewish, a very good friend of mine. Oh, I've got a black mate, one of them ones, isn't it? You're definitely not racist then, Sean. No, one of my best friends is, genuinely one of my best friends, genuinely is Jewish. But his brother, his brother... He's a Nazi. But his brother...

His brother, he didn't do this. He's a Nazi. But his brother... I knew it would be like this. Sorry. Come on. Right, his brother... But my friend didn't do this, but his brother changed the spelling of his last name,

which I can't disclose, but he changed it. Yeah. But with adding a letter, so that people didn't think he was Jewish. That's what my dad did, basically. But I don't understand what that's about. Do you know what you are doing? Which is fine, because I do the exact same thing.

I'm not throwing an accusation at you. Uh-oh. Do you know... I'm really scared of what I've done that I don't know I've done. No, you'll understand what I'm saying. Okay. I don't know whether you've seen... David Baddiel wrote a book called Jews Don't Count, right?

And it's a double entendre of- Do they? How do they work out how many numbers are in, like, numbers of things there are? Abacus. Okay. Yeah, they are someone else. So the double entendre of it is,

oh, everyone thinks Jewish people are like bankers and deal with money, so they don't count the money. But it's also, the point of the book is that racism towards Jewish people, people don't take seriously. Anti-Semitism, people don't take seriously. And I think a big part of that, as someone who knows very few Jewish people apart from in comedy, I think it's because-

Nice to meet you. Yeah, one, and Josh Howie, and we're done. Also my mum- And Elliot Steele. Elliot Steele. Yeah, he found, he's got... He found out he's got Jewish ancestry as well. My mum was really hammered one Christmas day.

She met a Jewish man. And started shouting, we're Jewish. Has she? That's a true story. I think that means you're Jewish. But every time I bring it up with my mum and I say,

what was that Christmas day about when you were screaming we're Jewish? She says, oh my God, let it go i think she just laughs and says i don't want to talk about it i think what you're doing is what like the the idea of someone who's jewish changing their name to you is like, why would you do that? That's what I'm saying. Because, because they don't want to receive antisemitism, but because in our world, in my world,

antisemitism, like up until very recently, it just didn't exist to me. I didn't know it was a thing anymore. I don't know. Yeah. I don't even know. It feels more in America. But it really,

really is. So that's why people do it. But I, but the thing is, I dislike Julian, not because he's Jewish. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to see something else.

I dislike Jew. You should cut it on that. I dislike Jew. Yeah, it's nothing to do with the fact that you're Jewish. I just don't like you as a person. Just as a human being. No, that's fine.

At least it's not racist. No, I see. So you're Jewish. I just don't like you as a person. Just as a human being. No, that's fine. At least it's not racist. No, I see. So you're dad's then. I'm not 100% by the way, but I know he changed the name. So that means probably. Because he didn't want, because, this is an odd question, he didn't want anti-Semitism. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There we go. Yeah. Good. I'm glad you've cleared the Jewish thing up. What does this guy do with his granddad being in the SS? Fucking hell! That's Jewish people cleared. Yeah.

What does he do? I think, you know, it is what it is, isn't it? Just don't... Don't flex it. Oh, so these DNA things could be wrong. You know what I mean? Yeah. And how could they trace it back to an actual person?

That don't make sense, does it? Is it traced back to where your heritage is from? No, they can trace back names, so they can just go, oh, this guy was high up in the SS. Have they got that SS guy's DNA? They haven't, but they know his name. But they must...

What? Here's the thing, Julian. We don't know, and that's why we don't run a DNA family tree company. But they must have that guy, they must have that SS officer's DNA to match the DNA to him. You don't look at DNA

and it says his name under the microscope. You just look at it and I don't like that it just appears. It's like an old photo, it just appears. It's like an old Hitler. A passport, an old passport photo of just appears. It's like an old Hitler. A passport. An old passport photo of him. Imagine if you found that, though.

Imagine if you did it and it turned out like your fucking, like your uncle was Hitler. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be mad. Like your half-fella's brother was Hitler and he'd never told you. You'd be fuming, wouldn't you? Did Hitler have kids?

He only had one ball. He had his own. He used to live on he used to live on Stanhope Street Liverpool Hitler did he had a scout what

recently recently yeah I think he got back from Argentina you should have got him on as a guest oh my god welcome to have a word

we've got Hitler on today if Hitler was alive today man and he did an interview it'd go mad viral do you reckon Hitler would go on at Joe Rogan?

Really, Julian? Joe Rogan interviewing Hitler? James English would have him. What? James English would have him. Is he the gangster podcast guy? He's the guy who does people when they get out of prison. Oh, yeah.

So tell me, like, what started it? Let's go back to the start. Sorry, back to the start. Why did your drink drive? Can I call you Adolf? Oh, my Lord. Well, I'm sorry we've not cleared that up. There's nothing you can do.

Just don't flex it. It's not your fault. I just wouldn't write into any other podcast about it. I mean, you can't take on board your um ancestors wrongdoing can you no absolutely we're all fucked i'm not nor am i my family uh own a flooring business so uh did they yeah yeah they still do gotta have a word hey Ay. Ay. Old school. Press turn the slider off. Pretty loud this way.

By the way, it's right to the top. I can hear it. Lovely. This is from Josh Round. Roundy. All right, lads. uh love the pod i need you to have a word with my partner is that a less unless yeah yes she has these weird icks that just freak me out that she doesn't chew certain foods i.e noodles beans the lot she just swallows them Good girl. Good girl. I'll just swallow noodles, not chewing. That's mad.

That's mad. She also stands in the freezer for 40 minutes every day, scraping the ice off her, and puts them in a sandwich bag to take to bed and eat. Nice. Have a word with this nonce. She needs to sort herself out And she watches the pod in bed too

So she'll definitely listen I chew ice Do you scrape ice By the way Who's got ice freezers They're all iceless aren't they No You're an ice chewer

You've got ice in your freezer Yeah Really That's mad It just happens Hang on you're an ice chewer You haven't got your freezer on I offer some ice innit No It's quite healthy innit Water basically Like if I have a can of That's mad. It just happens. Hang on, you're an ice chewer. You haven't got your freezer on, have you? There's no ice in it.

No. It's quite healthy, isn't it? Water, basically. Like, if I have a can of... Not a can of Coke, but if I get, like, a pint of Coke at a pub and it's got ice in, when I get down to just the ice,

I will chew the ice. An ice chewer. I thought most freezers were ice. But taking it to bed in a sandwich bag is different, isn't it? That is different, yeah. Scraping it off. And also not chewing food.

Well, noodle, yeah, I mean... How do you eat noodle? But noodle, you could... She just inhales them. You don't, yeah. That's the way to eat a noodle, isn't it? Into your mouth, but you can't... Oh, it'd go in your lungs, wouldn't it?

That's the way to eat it, is it? That's how you eat it. If I take you for ramen, you're putting one noodle in his mouth. Her lungs are full of pot noodles. No, but not me. But there are people. Who? I think that is the traditional way

that you're meant to eat them. Yeah, into your mouth. It's quite sloppy, yeah. No, you slurp like that to curl the noodles down. What does he do? Cut them up with like a knife and fork? You chew them with your teeth. I'm sure she chews.

No, she doesn't chew. The whole point of the email is that she doesn't chew noodles. Someone's not writing in to go, Julian, I was wondering if. The whole point of the email is that she doesn't chew. Yes. Someone's not writing in to go, Julian, I was wondering if you could help. My missus is chewing on her food. Okay, so she sucks them into her mouth and just swallows them. Yes. Oh, yeah, that's exactly what the email said.

Did you say beans as well? That bit I don't get. That's fucking weird. You've got to chew beans. What's the point in beans? What is the point in beans? I don't get but that's fucking weird you've got to chew beans what's the point in b what is the point i always chew me beans how do you get them to the back of your mouth what's the point exactly what's the point in beans if you're not chewing them yeah just nothing you should swallow except for liquid it's wild that she's a fucking lizard this girl literally i i mean i don't't know what, when did it get comfortable

in that relationship that she could just kind of pull that one out of the hat and be like, by the way, I chew ice. What? Like, is that, is that normal?

No, eating ice is, but scraping it and then taking it to bed in a cellar. No, she's a fan, like pre-preparing it. Yeah, it's weird to get to a point

where you know what that is. That's the problem. It's like, how did you point where you know what that is. That's the problem. How did you know? I don't know how many years into a relationship I'd have to be to be comfortable enough to look at my girlfriend and go, listen, this is a bit weird, but I'm just going to go and scrape the walls of the freezer and get her in bed with it.

You put friends on and get ready. Like, I just don't know. And it's going to fall off when she discovers ice blasts. It's just flavoured ice isn't it yeah she's she's a weirdo

there you go but what I would say is she's probably mental which means she's probably great in bed so

you know stick with it nice cold kisses as well yeah probably suck it off the injuries you ever had a girl ice BJ you ever had a girl

put an ice cube in her mouth and then suck it off yeah it's better I mean have you really an ice cream in her mouth and suck it off? Yeah. It's better. I mean... Have you really? An ice cream and stuff like that, yeah. An ice cream?

Oh, that's great. When I worked in an ice cream van. When you worked in an ice cream van? Yeah, cold is nice, isn't it? Yeah. Cool. Oh, there's a lizard. This is another have a way let's round us home this is our last bit matthew etheridge everidge have a word to my wife who keeps turning my phone charger off at the wall so when i put my phone on charge i come back and it's still on 12 it's so annoying no she should

get life in prison yeah yeah absolutely what the fuck that's unacceptable man. No, she should get life in prison. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. What the fuck? That's unacceptable, man. That's, is she, sorry, to be clear, is she doing that on purpose as a lucky kind of like man? He must have flagged it with her before he sent the email, I bet, eh? People who just turn stuff off by the wall. My missus does this.

She just turns things off. She turns the kettle off at the wall. That's an old people thing, isn't it? I put water in the kettle, put it on, and you just do that, don't you? That's fucking, of course. And you go back and you don't even think. Like, what I'll do is put water in the kettle, put it on, and you just do that, don't you? Of course. And you go back and you don't even think.

Like what I'll do is I'll put the kettle on and I'll go to the toilet. I'll put the kettle on and go to the toilet. Do you know what I mean? I'll go away and then I'll come back

and the kettle's not boiling so you go, it's finished boiling. You don't feel it. You just go and you pour it and you've just wasted a teabag. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That is the equivalent of unscrewing the light bulb just because you're not using the lights. Just during the day, just going, it's all right, we won't be using this today then. Don't worry about that. Just keep that safe. That's fucking mental.

She's a kettle killer. That's OCD, isn't it? Yeah. Oh, it's fucking insane. Yeah, I'm having that. Do you want to do one more or are we done? One more. This is from... Oh, no, I'm not having that. Do you want to do one more or are we done? One more. This is from... Oh no, I'm not going to do it.

Do you want to do some overrated, underrated or simple? Why are you not going to do it? Because it's from Jake Garrett. Actually, I've got some... Harry's made some new ones just because you're here, Sean. Lovely. Called Cunty Things slash Minor Inconveniences. I feel like you love these. After the first section.

What? After the first section, yeah. Yes, lovely. This is an annoying one. This is from John Joe. It is, yeah. Machi's machines that don't print receipts. Which ones? When you're in McDonald's. Brilliant! Very good. That's pretty much all

of them as well. Most of them do not print. Yeah, and then you've got to remember the number. Yeah. As well. Most of them do not print. Yeah. And then you've got to remember the number. Yeah. Yeah. So you've got to do a little fucking mind puzzle. Well, I just take a photo of the screen.

That's so organised. I'm an organised man, Julian. That is absolutely. You need some admin there and give it to me. You'll take a picture of it. I just grab someone else's food. There you go, lad. The thing about iVink is and McDonald's,

those fucking touchscreen machines, right, is that no one likes this new system. This new system is mental. The way it used to work was you queued up, you got to the front, you ordered your food, he got the food, you paid, you said thank you, you fucked off, and that system worked, right? And everyone was happy with that system.

It was brilliant. But the thing is, it's not only the customers that don't like it have you seen the poor staff so whereas they used to go next they're now bowled over the desk going 91 no one likes it i think mcdonald's had a meeting and they were like, right, everything's working too well with the biggest company on the planet. I need a shop that is like really inconvenient. And someone went Argos

and they went, let's just do that. Exactly, yes. It's to stop your mental clock, isn't it? When you go in and you're queuing up, you're instantly pissed off. When you can walk into Mackey's and instantly order, your clock stopped.

But the thing is, you can't stop waiting. You can stop queuing, but you can walk into Machi's and instantly order, your clock stopped. But the thing is, you can't stop waiting. You can stop queuing, but you can't stop waiting. What difference does it make whether I'm waiting in line or waiting in the shop? I'm still fucking there. Because they've already got your money. That's mad.

Like, as soon as you... Like, if there was a really big queue to order... You would leave. You might get three or four minutes in and go, ah, fuck this. But once you've gone in and gone, paid 11 quid, you're not then going to leave it.

You can't leave. That's fucking insane. It's clever, paid 11 quid, you're not going to leave it. That's fucking insane. It's clever though, isn't it? It's annoying for us. Yeah, but it's annoying. Like you get all these new questions

that you don't want. now when you go, right, Big Mac meal, right, fuck off, let's go. And then it goes,

for sides, fries or carrots. And you're like, fuck it. No one's ever said carrots. Yeah, I'm at McDonald's, I'm not for one of my five a day,

am I? Oh yeah, pomegranate watermelon play some cabbage my body's a temple it's fucking mental let's go to the

drive-thru do you want to give money to charity oh my god not today should be the biggest button on the screen yeah yeah yeah

and then at the top it should say obviously not I've actually looked into this McDonald's earns 700 million dollars a day

and they're asking us to round up I'm having dinner at McDonald's you fucking round up Ronald the fuck am I rounding up for I'm getting a happy meal mate a sad meal most of their money is earned off the land they own, apparently, isn't it?

That's a fact about McDonald's. They've got more money than Sweden. Sweden? The whole country of Sweden. That ain't much, though, is it? One third of litter in the world is McDonald's litter as well. Really? That sounds a bit of an apocryphal.

You think two thirds? All of it. This one is from a photograph extraordinaire, Jack Finnegan. Okay. This is what pissed him off. When you're behind the driver and they need to turn left, but they turn right a little bit before they turn left. That is absolutely superb.

Do you know what I would say? People who slow down to an unnecessarily low speed to take a corner. Yeah. Do you know when you're driving, you know if you're on like a 40 mile an hour road, if you slow down to anything lower than 37 to take the corner. You're taking corners at 37?! A hairpin turn. People slow down to like 14.

I'm like, what? What do you think's round this corner? What do you think you did round? And four yards away, there's a wall. What are we slowing down to this point for? Taking corners off dual college rates. Get out the fucking way. A 37.

Colin McRae. No. I've only just started learning to drive. I've recently passed my test. Congratulations. Well done. First time. Well, hang on,

because I know, obviously, what happens because I tell people this. So thank you for your congratulations. I learned an automatic. Okay. That's not as... 10 years ago, I'd have gone, but now I'm like

yeah why not all cars are automatic thank you yes good why didn't you learn a male's car see

that's what he thought we were going to do automatics are better actually but you should have learned manual you could do both yeah people say that

it's like well no I'll just get an automatic car why not you fucking idiot you should have learnt automatic then you could get both or I'll just learn automatic and I'll get an automatic but it fucking idiot you should learn automatic then you can get both

or i'll just learn automatic and i'll get an automatic it just limits you it limits you like higher limits to me i'll tell you what limits me money i'm not going oh fucking i could have got that lamborghini but i only learned automatic they're not cheaper it's mental but anyway um so i'm just learning the roads i I'm beginning to go learning the behaviour. But I know a proper prick move is. Absolute bellion. I can guarantee me and Adam both do it every day. Go on.

Just drunk driving. Having a dead whore in the back. That is such a dick move. That is out of order, Julian. I'm in a police chase. What a dick. What a twat. Bell and...

What is the... Look at that knob! What is the dick move? I bet I'd do it, maybe. Right, so just... The car behind you has annoyed you for some reason. I can't... Whatever the reason is that annoyed you. I guarantee you'd do this.

So when you get into the... But you're in front. So when you're getting to the traffic lights, slow down. Yes. Right? So you go to yellow and then it goes to yellow and you just plod through and leave them behind. Oh, I do that.

See you later, bye! If anyone, if anyone tries to undertake me, I will risk- What's undertake? What's undertake? Like overtake you on the left On the left Yeah yeah gotcha

Gotcha Like If I'm If I'm doing what I consider To be a reasonable speed Yes Right So let's say we're on the motorway

If I'm doing 80 85 Right And someone's like Fucking get out of my way And then they go Oh I'm gonna undertake them And they wanna do 100

Disgusting I will do 110 Yeah So that they cannot I will trap them Between me And a fucking lorry And then And I'll just keep going I will do 110 so that they cannot I will trap them between me and a fucking lorry and then

and I'll just keep going and then I will I will make sure that I've been late to gigs for this I will make sure the rest of their drive

is as miserable as I can make it they sound like dicks man driving home from they sound awful driving home from they sound awful driving home from we call it the game we go oh

game on driving home from Glasgow it took us an hour and a half to get someone they'd done something to piss us off and we spent the next

hour and a half attempting we had to catch him up and he went I got him you blocked him in and you fucking ruined their day fuck them

I'll go 500 miles an them in and you fucking ruined their day. Fuck them. I'll go 500 miles an hour to stop you going anywhere. I'll go 500 miles just to fuck your day. But you know what? If someone does that to me and I'm behind them, I'll just drive through the red light. I will not allow somebody to make me waste time. Yeah. Because I can see them going.

I'll be up to the arse like you didn't get me there, son. Because I can see them going. I'll be up to that. It's like, you didn't get me there, son. There is a lot of anger in the studio today. Yeah. And I think we've got that out. I think it's been superb. I need a break. I've had four hours, Kip.

And I wasn't ready for today. I've had so much caffeine. I have to say, I feel pretty weird. I've had too much, man. I feel weird. I feel weird have to say, I feel pretty weird. I've had too much, man. I feel weird. I feel weird. I do, I do feel weird. Have a herbal tea.

Diffuses it. You've kind of gone through the mild cycle now. It's more of a chilled energy over there. Yes. Ladies and gentlemen, that is the end

of this week's episode. Oh my God. Thank you very much for listening. As always, Julian Deem is our guest. Go and follow him. Listen to his podcast, TVI. Sean Morse was our co-host.

He has two podcasts, Oh My Dog with Jack D and What's Upset You Now with Paul McCaffrey. Follow him. Listen to both of those. And thank you for having me, by the way, guys. Always an absolute pleasure to be here. Thank you both for doing it. Lots of love.

Dan is obviously not here at the minute he is going on tour from August onwards dannightingale.com for Dan's tickets I start my European tour in September and UK tour in October

and I've got the Edinburgh Fringe Festival as well adamrow.co.uk forward slash tour for tickets for everywhere two of the best

all over the world I realise we haven't planned a song oh no people are going to be gut realise we haven't planned a song. Oh no, people are going to be gutted. Let's give them a song to go and listen to. Sean,

what's your favourite song right now? I'm afraid... Sand in My Boots by Morgan Wallen. And Sean, what's yours? I'm sorry, it will always be,

it's going to be Blink 182 and it's going to be I Miss You. I love I Miss You. It's my favourite Blink 182 song. Correct. Okay,

go and listen to that instead because it's actually good. Sand in My Boots I Miss You it's my favourite Blink 182 song correct okay go and listen to that instead because it's actually good Sand In My Boots by Morgan Mullins a banger and you'd like it okay

cool and you like the Gambler and you like Tennessee Whiskey yeah it'd be one of them for you old school country yeah nice

Sand In My Boots I've got a headache yeah Like, yeah.