Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #236 with Pete Firman - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: August 6, 2023

Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan's Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.ukComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, Sensei Carl's Big Fat Quiz and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsListen to Finn's EP 'Do You Know?': https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: WORD20Android Homme | https://androidhomme.co.ukGet 20% off site wide with the promo code 'WORD20' at checkoutCalm | https://calm.com/wordGet 40% off a Calm Premium Subscription with unlimited access to Calm’s entire libraryManscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20BetterHelp | https://betterhelp.com/word10Get 10% off your first month!NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Become one of the lids:https://patreon.com/haveawordpodTickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comFind us everywhere:https://haveaword.pageDiscord:https://discord.gg/haveawordpodFollow the podcast, our hosts and our guest on social media:Have A Wordhttps://facebook.com/haveawordpodhttps://twitter.com/haveawordpodhttps://instagram.com/haveawordpodAdam Rowehttps://facebook.com/adamrowecomedianhttps://twitter.com/adamrowecomedyhttps://instagram.com/adamrowecomedianDan Nightingalehttps://facebook.com/danhasapodcasthttps://twitter.com/danhasapodcasthttps://instagram.com/danhasapodcastPete Firmanhttps://twitter.com/petefirmanhttps://instagram.com/petefirmanADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to this week's episode of the Have A Weird Podcast, ladies and gentlemen. My name's Adam Rowe, and that's Dan, aren't you? Yeah, I am. Dan Nightingale. This is our podcast. It is. We're both going on tour separately, starting in... You start in August, I start in September. Going all over the gaff. Tickets for my tour at adamrowe.co.uk and tickets for Dan's tour at... DanNightingale.com

Ahead of that, you've got some previews coming up, danspreviews.com. Yeah, very few tickets left, but tickets are selling out for both these tours. Get them now to avoid disappointment. And of course, if you're a long-time listener of Have A Word, you will know that we have got one of the biggest and best Patreons on the planet and the biggest in the United Kingdom.

£23,000 and counting. Starting from just £3 a month, you get an absolute belt of a deal from us. Not only do you get early access to these public episodes, but you get an extra episode every single week, which is where we save our naughtiest humour for. And on top of that, every single month, you get a special.

You get a brand new special every single month, back catalogue included. Legendary. The Nashville special was huge. We went to Amsterdam. We've done two ghost hunts. We've taken over a restaurant. And there's loads more on top of that.

I think we're up to something like 20 plus Patreon specials. And then the famous lock-ins when we get hammered in here with our mates. Some of the best podcasting we've ever done. Patreon.com slash have a word pod. Sign up for just three quid a month. You do get more benefits the more you sign up for, but everyone gets all of the content that we put on there.

And on top of that, you get early access to tickets for our shows, for the podcast live shows. And sometimes we do small events and they sell out immediately on Patreon. So if you want to be in the room for those, you've got to be a patron. Patreon.com slash have a word pod. Sign up now and enjoy this episode.

We've already recorded it. It's going to be a belter. Belter. Wag wag leads. You're listening to the funniest podcast in the game from the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only

Have A Word. Brought to you by Manscaped, the very best products on the market for below the waist groomer. Go Ed, get on me. Third pod in three days for us. Obviously you get them as and when they're released, but we've spent a lot of time

with each other in this room over the past few days and do you know what? It feels good. Yeah. Oh. I feel like we're building up to today being the best episode ever. Yeah.

Ooh. Ooh, I nearly burped. I don't know how you live without breakfast, guys. I don't know. You know you are not a breakfast person. You're not a breakfast person. I'm not a breakfast person. I might have a pack of McCoy's.

It's not suitable. It's too much sodium. We'll get a nice lunch though. Oh we will, won't we? Sodium, yeah. Salt? Oh yeah. Salt?

I just don't have a... Sodium. It's such an unnecessary... I think that's what... When healthy people are like, there's way too much sodium in that. That's not healthy people. It's just twats, innit? Yeah.

Yeah, it's people making unhealthy people feel bad, isn't it? Not only am I healthier than you, I know a different word, you big cunt. My sodium intake is right down.

Is it? Well, I love salt. Isn't it mad to hear people like, I'm dead fit and I'm going to make, like, just you be happy with you then.

Do you know what I mean? Look at me. Ah, you're the cunt. Well, like, be happy with you. Stop trying to push it on me. Like religion as well. All that shit. Getting fat is like religion.

Yeah, no, I feel like if I've found something good for me, I'm like, fuck you, I've found it. I'm not telling you. I'm going to live longer. That's bad on you though, isn't it? These other people want to, you know, they feel the benefits of a fitness regime and they're trying to share that with you.

Same as the Lord, the Saviour Jesus Christ. Once Jesus comes into your life, apparently everything's better. Yeah, but Jesus doesn't make your arse bigger. I'll give the gym, the gym one thing, you know. Do you know my family?

I'd be like, cool. You don't want to be, cool. That's not part of the religion. That's not part of religion. In one thing, you know. Do you know my family? Do you not be like, cool? You don't want to be cool? Ah. That's not part of the religion, is it? That's not part of religion, is it? The religion is to spread the word of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. Or Allah. Go on, do your thing now.

What are the other ones? Buddha. Vishnu. Who's Vishnu? Ganesh. He's the one with seven arms, isn't he? Is he? Yeah.

This one. This guy. The Conor McGregor one. Who else is there there here comes Vishnu who else are the main fellas fellows the chiefs

L. Ron Hubbard L. Ron Hubbard in Hinduism yeah L. Ron Hubbard Ganesh but they're all the same aren't they and Ganesh and all them are part of the same

yeah but all religions are like you need to go out and spread this and all gym memberships now include doing videos and sticking them are part of the same. Yeah, but all religions are like, you need to go out and spread this. And all gym memberships now include doing videos and sticking them on socials. And that's the part of the deal.

It's becoming the same thing. But Hinduism doesn't help you get a badonk. That's all I'm saying. Slight negative with this. Buddhism does. They're not fat. Because you're all sat in your house.

You're sat around waiting. What's the Quaker one? I sat around waiting for someone to start talking shite in it. I love that. The Quaker one. You've seen Fleabag? the Quaker one? sat around waiting for someone to start talking shite in it I love that the Quaker one the Quaker one no but the Quaker one is like you're all sat around and then at some point

someone stands up and goes and they go that's Jesus that not just these are mental cunts sounds like an after party Michael J Fox goes to Quaker meetings say that again Michael J Fox goes to Quaker meetings why What? Oh. Say that again. Michael J. Fox goes to Quaker meetings. Why was he just on there?

Why? Oh. He does? He's Quaker? I think you mispronounced it. Quaker in his boots. Oh, I get it. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Because he's scared. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of the wrath. He's been there. That was so unnecessary. It was good, yeah. Of the wrath. He's been there. That was so unnecessary. It was good though. Leaving him. Will, we're leaving him.

He's not going to listen, is he? He's got a new film ultimately. Yeah. What were you saying? I want my breakfast. I want my little bowl of cornflakes.

I want a yum yum. What's your normal breakfast routine? bowl of cornflakes. Want a yum yum? What's your normal breakfast routine? Bowl of cornflakes has been since 1984. Really? Just normal cornflakes. Listen, Kellogg's cornflakes, you should put your own sugar on. No.

Did you? What? You don't need to say Kellogg's, do you? I'm not eating other cornflakes. That'd be... M&S is quite good. Oh, I'm sorry, the secret millionaire. Some people...

Is it a cost of living crisis, Dan? Oh, 1984, I've had Kellogg's ever since. Yeah, I'm pretty lavish like that. I show off about it. Put it on socials, like branded cornflakes. Living it up, George Orwell.

Yeah. So do you put your own sugar on? Jar rule. He didn't write 1984. He wrote living It Up. I think you've got it. Shut up! You what?

Did you put your own sugar on? I stopped doing that in about 1992. When I was born. Out of respect. Yeah, I just was like, listen, I've got to be thinner than that guy. Wallace has gone for cornflakes, hasn't he? Little shit.

Yeah, branded, yeah. And I go through some periods where i'm like i've gone crazy i've gone mental i'm doing it i'm gonna have a little run with rice krispies but then i always go back to crunchy no cornflakes are my ones and i'm they're much better at night time i mean it's like a supper or cereal yeah cereal cereal supper do you know a couple of weeks ago when I did that when I did my residency at the Jack

we did four nights and I had Alfie stay with me for four nights we bought the big fuck off box of crunchy nut cornflakes on the Monday night

the one kilogram yeah and by the Thursday they'd gone because every night we went back and had two bowls of crunchy nut cornflakes

each two each the amount of drinking that you two have done together it's amazing that you two have done together. It's amazing that you can flip the switch and be like, let's not do that this week.

Let's develop my tour show where you eat crunched up cornflakes. That's nice. So are they just cornflakes with like a sort of a nut? Crunchy nuts on them. No, they're not, are they? Is it actual crunchy nuts? Hasn't it got like a sheen on the flakes as well? There's honey in it, I think. No, that's not, are they? Is it actual crunchy nuts? Hasn't it got like a sheen on the flakes as well? There's honey in it, I think. There's honey in it.

No, that's honey nut Cheerios. I think crunchy nuts is literally just like a nutty paste sort of thing. Oh, right, yeah. And bits of nut and a little bit of sugar. Maybe. Yeah, yeah. It's pretty sweet. Nuts have got natural sugars, haven't they?

But crunchy nut cornflakes are the goat. You know what we could do? I'm with you. We could have done top five cereals we've been looking to do a top five today a draft of cereals

would have been a good one but I've only got cornflakes in my roster yeah what no other cereals no I reckon I've tried

30 odd cereals what whoa sorry I'm gonna leave wow you fucking maniac I genuinely think that yeah of course

because you're stoned all the time cereal's well nice when you're baked yeah yeah all the different ones like the cinnamon uh cinnamon grapes and the cinnamon churros they've just brought them out they're two of the rogue ones laura's a bit rogue with throwing chocolate there like in the cereals like being okay with that my mum was pretty hard line with that we never had the chocolatey i think basically like cocoa pops i i've tried them but that was not like unless it came in one of the mini boxes when we were on holiday we never got a big box of cocoa pops oh we did i think i might have been a little bit more mental than i sort of remember because i look back at my child and go yeah i was me but i think i was a bit of a fucking nightmare so my mom was like i think you were yeah yeah i've got no information on it at all that kid uh is not getting extra chocolate based sugar in

the morning so laura gets like there's a mini weetabix with actual chunks yeah they're built in yeah they're all good yeah jack's like yeah can i have more cereal he's like he just wants fucking chocolate his diction's coming along really well he's like all right yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i did sound a bit Chinese but things have changed you know my box is so chocolate I'm nearly two and a half

get me fucking charcoal cereal mum fuck off pick that up again as well yeah I'm gonna quit I'm gonna quit smoking fucking hell

do you want to take another one and finish it throws it on the floor. Yeah, and I'm going to quit. There's saves on that. There's saves on that. They last.

What is it? Saves. Saves. I've never put a cigarette in my mouth. I know you've not, you little princess. So I don't know. I've only eaten cornflakes and I've never smoked. Not even crack.

We call it twos. Twos? You get twos on that? Yeah. Were you dead against smoking as a kid, even though, because it was in the house? Well, my mum and dad smoked 40 a day each

and they didn't like the back doors open because they were like, no, we're paying for the fucking heating, we're not letting that go out the fucking back door, are we? You're famous Yorkshire parents. Hello. I'm Adam Rose, dad. You've met me. Yorkshire as hello I'm Adam Rose dad

you've met Mick he is Yorkshire as fuck yeah so we didn't like it and then when we moved in with my dad we were like

listen Mick things are going to change now you're in the garden you when are you smoking live in the doghouse absolute bastards

I'll do it though I love those little fuckers people who smoke in the car should be executed. It's illegal to smoke even in your own car, on your own now, innit? Oh, I thought it was just 18-year-olds in the car. No.

It's illegal to smoke inside a car. You're not allowed to smoke an 18-year-old in the car. Is that true? That is true, isn't it? I think that, yeah. I thought it was under 18s in the car and you couldn't do it then. I'm all for it.

Good. Yeah. Apparently so, anyway. Yeah, but you're not allowed to eat when you're driving. No, it then. I'm all for it. Good. Yeah. Apparently so anyway. Yeah, but you're not allowed to eat when you're driving. No, it's not even when you're driving. You can't even sit

in your car and smoke. But you can't pull your car up on the edge of a cliff and just have like a, you know, one of those days where you just need a little power you want.

Every time I'm driving near a cliff edge, I think, God, I'd love a fag. It's just, there's a cliff. Cold cliff. Take it in.

You alright? Everything alright? I think I'd love a fag it's just there's a cliff called cliff take it in you alright everything alright Carl wants this over and done with honey no I love it I just I'm feeling naughty

this week nounie I yeah I'm not a saddle in the morning man I'm not a saddle in the morning man I'm not a cereal in the morning man I'm not a cereal at lunch time man

at 2pm I'm not a cereal man at 4pm I'm not a cereal man about 6pm I'm having my tea about 8pm I'm a cereal man Sean Paul I'm not a cereal man I love a bit of bacon in the morning

bacon's the one in the morning bacon, eggs, bit of bacon in the morning. Bacon's the one. In the morning. Bacon, eggs, bit of bread. Ooh, shove it in me bollocks. Started getting into a bit of the streaky bacon and hash browns just as a little breakfast snack. It's working for me. Streaky bacon is proper bacon.

The crispy bacon. Yeah. I love that bacon. What? Like I'm on a bacon man, but I'll go for that. The streaky bacon's just better. Smoked streaky bacon. Yeah.

And like, made really crispy. Oh, yeah. Like, just before it turns black. Oh, yeah. That is what you want. Oh, that's so much sodium. I love a hash brown. Hash brown might be one of my favourite breakfast items.

There's an air fryer, mate. Hash brown's in an air fryer. Oh, it works pretty damn well. There's a little cafe in Shoreditch in London called Ozone. Was recommended to me by our photographer, Jack Finnegan. It is spectacular. And they do an eggs benedict,

which is bacon, the eggs, the holiday sauce. Holiday sauce? He doesn't know that. You're 42. Holiday sauce? He doesn't know that. You're 42. Holiday sauce? It's a bit of SPF 30. Hollandaise? There you go.

Yeah, all right, cool. Hollandaise sauce is wonderful. Is it fishy mayo? No. All right, cool. It's a wrapper. Is that Thousand Miles dressing? Thousand Miles dressing.

The Vanessa Carlton sauce. Or two preclinics. Thousand Islands dressing. There you go. Who's got a Thousand Islands? Richard Branson. Japan. But in Ozone, you know the base of the Eggs Benny?

Like sometimes it's a bagel, sometimes it's toast. It's bubble and squeak. It's like a roast in a fly up. Wow. Dan, bubble and squeak? What's your favourite part of bubble and squeak? Get me an address on that.

Will, Wallace is trying to bite through wires. We might need to sort the Wallace situation out a little bit. Wallace! No!

Do you stop? Yeah. Glad. Now he starts again. Dan, do you like... Pass me him. Do you like Bubble and Squeak, Dan? Yeah, love it.

Sometimes I have it too much. But I'm not a Bubble and Squeak man in the morning. I'm not a Bubble and Squeak man at lunch. I'm not a Bubble and Squeak man... Never, I never have it. I'm never a Bubble and Squeak man. Do you know what it is? Let me guess.

What's bubble? Shut up. Whose voice was that? Shut up. Shut up. Dan's saying Fortnite stuff. Hang on. Is it like sausage and potato? No. That's totally sausage and potato? No.

That's totally old-ish. Yeah. I don't know what bubble and squeak is. Bubble and squeak is a roast dinner. The next day. The day after. Mashed up and fried to heat it back up. Oh, I didn't know that.

You mash the potatoes up, mash the meat up, mash all the veg up, put it in a big pan. Do you mash the pudding up as well? The Yorkshire puds? Yeah. Your dad loves them. I know. How come he's from Yorkshire? From Yorkshire pudds? Yeah. Your dad loves them. I know. Ah, you know him.

Oh, because he's from Yorkshire. From Yorkshire. Fucking love a Yorkshire pudding, mate. Jeff. But I don't like the big ones. I like the little ones. I'm filling them in gravy. Fuck me.

Yeah, I'd rather have three little ones than a big one. So you just mash it all up. Yeah. And fry it. Make it into like a, like a, looks like haggis or something. Or does it look like a fucking dirty omelette?

Looks like an omelette, yeah. What's it look like? Yeah, it looks like a dirty omelette yeah it's like it's just it's all mashed together it's not like you don't compact it you just like smash it all up oh and then you fry it up and then you eat it with salt and pepper on can you do that with everything i mean there's no laws do you think that i'd work with like cheese on toast or something i just i feel like that's a fun option for a lot of food. Or just smash it all to bits. Just fucking,

just fry it and eat it. I think you need more than two ingredients. Cheese and toast, bubble and squeak. I rarely have more than two ingredients. Cornflakes, milk, leave it at that.

Cheese, toast, there you go. Pathetic. Bubble and squeak's excellent. I wonder if ever you'll grow out of that. Yeah, it's coming.

I can feel it. Yeah. Just as soon as 50 isn't going, do you know what? I'm not fussy anymore. As soon as my two-year-old stops smoking, I'm going to really sort my diet out. Until then, bacon, hash brown.

What happens if the doctor goes, Dan, you're going to die? Yeah, but the best way to avoid that is to not speak to doctors. Thought of it. How's your foot? Yeah, it's on. It's on?

Yeah, the foot's on. We've not spoken about that. How is your foot? Yeah, it's on. It's on? Yeah, the foot's on. We've not spoken about that. How is your foot? I've got a referral. Yeah, you had a referral six weeks ago. I tried to ring the place. And they didn't answer the phone. I tried to ring.

Oh, fuck. That is such a man thing to do. Jesus Christ. Trying to ring once. Your phone would save your hand. Oh, shit. There that goes. Did you ring once and because he didn't answer you, you're like, carl i'm not a fucking child twice twice i rang twice it's on

now i let it ring should we do it in the interval oh no yeah should we do it in the interval you know if you haven't seen is it a chiropracist no it's a foot specialist a chiropracist i think they're called podiatrists diatrists pediatrician i'm seeing a pedophile but there's a massive queue there's a lot you honestly you're like you are eight if you have an appointment you are seventh god if you haven't got an appointment by the end of this week, we're going to start a Twitter campaign. Ooh. Are you going to do them? We're going to get every single person,

every single patron to message you on the hour, every hour, saying if you've done it. And just ruin your social media. Okay. Because we don't want you to die because we love you. Right. Right, cool. My social media is already up the fucking swanny, isn't it? Because it's just snake, snake o'clock.

We love the snake game oh my maybe a snake could bite my ganglion cyst maybe that would you hope it's ganglion cyst it could be fucking fuck cancer dan i know but do tumors move when you press them yeah you don't know anything about tumors you said yes too quickly you've not researched movable tumors tumors move you don't think i've researched movable tumors in my Of course tumours move. You don't think I've researched movable tumours in my health anxiety days? I know everything about everything, mate. Can you nudge a tumour to... Yes.

You know on the old PlayStation controller there was the rumble bit at the bottom? Yeah. It feels like that. You can just move it around. That's not good, Dan. I think that might be good. Oh my good God. It makes me quiver. No I think that might be good. Oh, my good God.

It makes me quiver. No, we should sort it now. You're right. I've got a bite on the inside of my thigh that is sore and big as me. I know, but I just got into it, didn't I? Just really... And I want to go to the walk-in.

It's just a bite that'll go down, but I'm like, no, I want to get it fixed. Yeah, a bite, you're fine, though. You've seen the state of my leg last week. Yeah, but it's bad. Yeah. My social media is all over the shop. Thank, a bite, you're fine though. You've seen the state of my leg last week. Yeah, but it's bad. Yeah. My social media is all over the shop. Thank you for so many of the snake things.

Will Hutchby made me an AI tour poster with a snake around my neck and then sent it to me with a little video that I put on socials last week. Can you put them in the same WeTransfer? Let me finish. He put it in the same WeTransfer and I sent it on to my tour manager. WeTransfer.

And she sent it on to all the venues with the snake poster and some of the venues are putting it online. Like, this cunt's weird. He sent us a new poster with a snake round his neck. Can you see what I mean now? Thanks, Brighton. What?

When you've seen those pictures with you with snakes around you, it doesn't look odd, does it? No, it's starting to feel very normal, because I see seven a day. And you got really obsessed about that. But it was a compliment in a way. No, there's no... Like, I have got a...

The thing is, in that moment, you were being a cunt. You were being funny, but I knew it was a dick, and I was like, fuck off. And then you were having a cunt. You were being funny, but I knew it was Nick and I was like, you can fuck off. And then you were having a go about something else and I just got my little, you know,

Nick is in a twist. Oh, you suit snakes. You'd rather suit something than not, no matter what it is. What? No. What do you mean? You suit having snakes.

No, hang on. But if there was a bullshit there. You suited having like a gecko on your shoulder. You'd be like, oh, great. Yeah, because otherwise you'd suited having like a gecko on your shoulder, you'd be like, oh, great. Yeah, because otherwise you'd look silly with a gecko on your shoulder, and now you look silly. Just because you suit something, it doesn't- Yeah, bazooka.

You really suit a bazooka. You should just wear it everywhere. I mean, that would be cool. Exactly. You'd take the bad example there. You suit a bazooka. If you said that to anyone and they were like, who are you talking to?

The only reason I'm not walking around with a bazooka if you said that to anyone and they were like who are you talking to the only reason I'm not the only reason I'm not walking around with a bazooka is because no one gives me compliments about me shooting bazookas 14 seconds out of the house

you're arrested you're telling me like you wouldn't want to look good with a bazooka like Finn would look like a fucking idiot

with a bazooka you know what I mean where am I taking a bazooka he'd look like he's looking after someone's bazooka but me I'd look what Adam's got his bazooka. You know what I mean? Where am I taking a bazooka? He'd look like he's looking after someone's bazooka. But me, I'd look,

wow, Adam's got his bazooka. I think it'd look like he'd been put in a cell in the Turkish hills. I think you'd suit a bazooka with the rest of the kit, you know?

And you're saying that as a compliment? That's what I'm saying? You'd rather suit anything than not suit anything? I tell you what, the only way I'm going to get this referral is if I use a bazooka.

So it could be useful, yeah just we love you yeah thanks well we're financially tied to you it's the same it's the same it's a lot of how laura feels about it we're trying to do the same joke a lot today aren't we we've done it four times i can hear my joke in joke while you're saying it. Maybe we're both as funny as each other. I don't think so. I think you're funnier. No, I think you're funnier.

Little fucking... Fucking... What? You're like a bazooka, mate. You're going to get another bite on that thigh. Right, I'm doing it. I'm doing it. I'll have my cornflakes, and then I'm doing it. I feel like a'll have my cornflakes and then I'm doing it

I feel like a break on you know that we started talking about it like yeah man yeah man I think maybe

for once we get an intro we could get someone to do a little food run yeah I don't want it to be little I want it to be large okay

can it not be where we went last week though because my steed had a naughty belly Say that again? Naughty belly From where? I'm not going to name it am I? Why? K.O. Grill

Oh, K.O. Grill Jake Gadder Jake Gadder's K.O. Grill on Bolchers I'll leave it in then I've got a naughty belly I've loved it every time we've eaten there I had a chicken burger

where the the meat was a bit pink and not from there from somewhere else and Laura's like it's fine it's thigh meat

I was like I don't know I don't know I just don't think no thigh meat can be dark but it's not pink it was pinky the only way meat gets pink as a white meat like chicken I just don't think no thigh meat can be dark but it's not pink it was pinky

the only way meat gets pink as a white meat like chicken and it's okay is when it's been barbecued sorry

ah is when it's been barbecued you never mentioned so like on the menu at Hickory's it says if you see a pink ring on it

if you see a pink ring on your chicken, that's all right. It's just like, it's the sign of the barbecue and it's purple on the dark meat. Okay, so this was like a meat place that usually do burgers. I went for the chicken burger.

It was breaded and inside just looked a little... That's undercooked. Right. Because I did go to the toilet the next day in a pretty Adam Rowe like way

like oh oh ah seconds to go I hate it's the worst I mean you get it all the time but shit I haven't eaten it yet

yeah so if we were in India for whatever reason what's the deal there why does deli belly's a thing isn't it people go over

is it just different bacteria is it water it's the water it's different bacteria and i don't know whether you know this but the indians love a bit of spice so when you have a lot of their food it can affect you there can affect your stomach if you're not used to spices stuff but i am a yeah is it just more full-on spice yeah you like you like white man spice don't you you're a white boy I don't like white man spice Indian spice you're just not ready

for that shit when we were away and Ishan had a curry he had it like you know Ishan hot I think he asked there's a secret code

I think yeah he goes like you know and they go I don't think there's a secret code I think it's it's ethnicity

I think that's the secret code yeah they know to go make it. I don't think there's a secret code. I think it is ethnicity. I think that's the secret code. Yeah, they know to go, make this right. I think they're like, one of the brethren is ordering a chicken curry hot. That's the type of curry. I wasn't mispronouncing curry. Curry. The brethren want a chicken curry.

Hot one. And they gave it a proper kick. And he was like, yeah, I think they know. And I was like, I think they're going to go, this cunt can take the heat. Oh, what's your version of that? It was great. Going in and getting like a lovely chicken wing.

What? What's your version of, what's white boy privilege when it comes to food? Privilege? Yeah, he goes in, he gets the real deal, doesn't he? He shan't. Yeah, I get a really, really vanilla slice. And they know.

Like, this boy knows. He's a beige motherfucker. Can I have a white and yellow fig? Fuck you. Yeah, Deli Belly's just, it's the version of going to Spain in the 80s, isn't it, where the water wasn't good for your stomach? Don't drink the water.

Yeah. It's that on top of all the spices. Adam's trying some new accent. World travel. The spices. But I wouldn't be scared of it. That's what IBS privilege is. What are you going to do to me?

You're already travelling in here. What are you going to do to me? Every day. Do you know what I mean? I go to fucking Nando're already travelling India. What are you going to do to me? Every day. Do you know what I mean? I go to fucking Nando's. I might as well have been to Mumbai. Loved it. Adam's got deli belly

and fucking L1. Yeah. Yeah. God, I really fancy a booze. I really fancy a booze as well. Maybe if I don't have cornflakes this is what happens. I felt like one day

I went for food, but you had already fucked it the night before. Yeah. Oh, did you have one of your the stars aligned? But Steve's away and he was fucked, so I just went for meat instead. Lord. It'll come back. I think it's going to come back next week.

Don't do that while I'm away! Is there any way of knowing that it's coming? Is there any do you get like a forewarning? I think it's going to come back next week. Don't do that while I'm away. Is there any way of knowing that it's coming? Is there any, do you get like a forewarning? I think it's a culmination of stress, you know? I've realised that. Is it anything to do with the equinox? Like, I feel like it happens four times a year. Your coping mechanism is alcohol.

You just don't get stressed very often. You're an alcoholic. We're worried about you. When you see someone get drunk five times a year, like, it's off the rails. I realised today was like oh shit i'm really stressed and then i was like oh and i wanted to go out and get drunk but i never get i never get stressed but i got stressed today and now it's past well it hasn't passed but you're just getting used to it yeah you're normalizing the stress yeah i'm living in it and i don't deal with stress and anxiety well

at all no at all because i don't get it often enough to be able to know how to deal with it yeah no oh shit i might just fucking go to sleep i agree i've did i try and design my life to not have those things happen in it yeah and i'm a happier person some people yeah you can live you like like you said with the therapist almost want the the noise to just feel yesterday um at a breakthrough i'll tell you about uh off air which was a quite a eye-opening you know when you go ask camille those words just left my mouth uh but what she reckons is i've i've been in crisis mode my whole life so since since a very young age I've been in crisis mode my whole life so since

since a very young age I've been in crisis mode so I was talking to her yesterday I was like if I've got like a big problem I'm like oh

we've got to just deal with this but like if someone gets in my lift and presses the first floor when I'm going to the 13th I want them dead and I actually did say those words to me therapist I was like

just that minor inconvenience drives me mad like just missing the traffic light and being the one guy sat at the red drives me mad but like if my house was on fire i'm just like ah and she went that's because being in crisis mode is your normal and you know what to do there because it's so familiar to you so because of like past traumas and everything you've literally had to deal with we're looking for a dog sitter so apply within you've had to deal with such big problems yeah that they're you've got a coping mechanism for that yeah but then little day-to-day stuff is a trigger for like actual emotion and anger yeah it makes so much sense right well i can't yeah i've managed to avoid the the huge draw

anyway just last basically since i've settled down and been with laura we've just got a really smooth happy existence and then when stress is applied i'm like, yeah. Like on Monday when we did the Patreon record, I didn't feel that the race is too much was going on and it affects me very, like I can feel it. I'm so much better when I'm comfortable and I'm happy. It just rolls so much better.

I can't think about anything else. Booze doesn't come into that for me though. It's a weird one. Same, but like I realised I'm like, oh, maybe that's just a real culmination of it. I just want to go out and just have a drink and a laugh to forget about it and then i'm saying i'm curing it with the booze i'm just like i want to just think about something else for a minute having said that though when laura's dad was ill and jack had been born that was when i went off

the rails with the coke so that's because it's not booze because booze isn't a trigger for me that summer where it went all wrong it's not booze because booze isn't a trigger for me that summer where it went all wrong it's definitely because of the strain of coming out of lockdowns laura's dad so yeah actually i do have a self-medication it's just something else isn't it i medicate with myself with pussy man normally yeah when i'm single overdose six in one year sometimes yeah like once every two months i'm like time for a new person yeah but if i'm stressed about something i'm not usually like i'm like just i'm fine but i'm only thinking about that thing so i can't talk about anything

else right now even if it's like that the thing is more important. I might just let me think about this loads. I had that yesterday with therapy. Therapy didn't help me yesterday. Like it was good. It felt like good to get the like realisation and release something.

And it's almost something I already knew but just had never articulated. But then trying to get asleep last night my brain's like that thing happened earlier, didn't it? Yeah.

Can we just go to sleep? Yeah. Go and play solitaire for a bit, just to think of something else. I have to think of every possibility. I have to think of the worst thing and then get okay with that. Before you can like...

And then work down and go, like, the worst thing that can happen is this. Will I be okay? And I go, yeah, I'll work it out. So you de-catastrophize. Yeah, but I make it the worst possible and go, if that happens, will I survive? Yeah. So you decatastrophize? Yeah. But I make it the worst possible and go, if that happens,

will I survive? Yeah. So it can only get better from there. So just rational thought kicks in. I think that's how therapy should go if you're really dealing with stuff, you know. I think if you're really cracking open,

it shouldn't just be like, oh great, that was good. Said that, and now I'm fine. Like it's going to have ramifications. Yeah, but I just needed a good night's sleep. Last night I just didn't get one. Like today. I don't know. No, I'm fine. Like, it's going to have ramifications. Yeah, but I just needed a good night's sleep. Last night, I just didn't get one.

Like, today's a long-ass day. We're doing full pod. Wonderful Pete Furman's going to join us shortly. No, bro. And then I'm off to Edinburgh. I've got to check into my apartment. One-bedroom flat in Edinburgh for the first time ever. Living on my own in a fucking gaff as well,

like an Airbnb. I'm not in some student piss hole. Like, it's, oh, I'm so excited. Oh, getting those golf clubs to Edinburgh on the train.

No, no sleep. Full pod today. Has to get a train up to the Edinburgh Festival, playing golf in the morning. You love the chaos. Yeah. You're taking the suitcase as well.

I'd be so stressed. Yeah, that's what I wheeled me golf clubs in on, isn't that's gonna be a fun train there it's just that one change at wigan to get off the fair shit train onto the avanti on the avanti one i've booked a bike space for me for me stuff you're looking like a fancy cunt with a suitcase and golf clubs in wigan i think what i'm gonna do uh and my missus said that I'd look like a paedophile if I did this, but I want your opinion on it.

I was going to clean me golf clubs on the train. Don't you fucking dare. Please do. And ask a stranger to video it. They need a little bit of a clean. You would call that person a paedophile? They've got some mud in the grooves and it's affecting me spin game.

Yeah, we've been thinking that. The spin game's off, isn't it? And I thought that's mud in the grooves and it's affecting my spin game. Yeah, we've been thinking that. Your spin game's off, isn't it? And I thought, that's mud in the grooves. Please do it and please take a picture. Is it as weird as, is it weird?

Yeah. It's more cunty than I think you're giving it credit. Because you will look like, you will look like, on the way to Edinburgh to play in the golf clubs, you'll look like an absolute super cunt.

Do you reckon? Yeah. And then when you get to Edinburgh, keep doing it. Do it in the loft bar. Do it at all the extra gigs you're doing. Fly it with your golf clubs. That guy's not even flying. He's just cleaning a fucking sandwich. Do you not think people would just be looking at me like, look at him. He plays golf.

Getting stuff done. Yeah, that's what they think. In Wigan. Do clean stuff. Anything on the train. Obviously you've got nothing else to do for a few hours, so on the train obviously you've got nothing else to do for a few hours so do something that you've definitely

got to do people think I look to cum yeah I look London busy oh yeah don't look little scrub

don't look London busy I fucking hate London do you know what London busy is yeah yeah yeah yeah I'm in Starbucks I'm on WhatsApp

yeah two hours I'm in Starbucks on WhatsApp but on WhatsApp. Yeah, two hours. I'm in Starbucks. On WhatsApp. But you know when you're going to like a cafe in London, like a Starbucks or anything, like an independent one or whatever,

and there's just hundreds of people sat around with a laptop just like tapping away. Carl is convinced that none of them are actually doing anything. They're not. You can do it at home. What are you doing? Yeah, minor annoyance, going to a shared workspace,

which I know is a thing, and I do it it to i've been doing it to write the show going to chester at the story house lovely like library cafe bar and then people just being on a zoom meeting for work i just fuck off yeah fuck off that's not good that's like i don't know i find it irritating spaces for it's not for Zoom meetings they're like yeah that is interesting and okay and can you speak to Ken about that like there should be

a meeting but Zoom meetings can fuck off they've got the headphones in and I know they're doing their job just put your headphones in they're literally there

they're fucking there they're never doing Queens of the Stone Age full blast like yeah I'm gonna write this joke yeah yeah yeah just circle back on that

WhatsApp I can go with the flow fuck off erm let's have a break shall we Queens of the Stone Age so good

what are you doing there Adam scratching your back giving myself an orgasm mate woah imagine if you did monday super hunger what is the the like a non-sexual sneeze thing that you think could make you come oh or or as close to it do you know i mean like that getting an itch, like that orgasmic, like, oh, that feeling where it feels like your body's jizzing.

Yeah, back scratch is well up there. I really love getting earbuds in, especially if there's water in there. Oh, no. And some people hate that. Blowjob. What, non-sexual thing? I'll give you an idea. A tickle on my legs and feet. A non-sexual thing will give you an over yeah yeah a tickle on my legs

a non-sexual blowjob tickle on my legs and feet feet you like your feet oh mate that is the key the key to my heart

is a tickle on my feet I nearly boosted a woman's head off in Italy for tickling me feet accidentally how did she tickle your feet

she was a masseuse ah yeah no the kick was accidental like she just went over to tickle like Buckaroo

and I was like I'm sorry love like yesterday said like i said wallace because wallace was off his food when you go to pet to home and i was exhausted after work and you go to pet to home get some new food and you just came everywhere pets at home and it just makes you dirty little hamsters and i was i was sitting down like joey you've sat down for the night yeah you're done i was like i can't she's like if you do it i'll tickle your feet i'll have Dirty little hamsters. And I was sitting down like, Joe, you've sat down for the night. Yeah. You're done. I was like, I can't. She was like, if you do it, I'll tickle your feet.

I'll have my shoes on within 30 seconds. That would have made it harder to shirt me. What? Tickle through me. If you do it, I'll tickle your feet. You're not tickling my feet. I'll put my shoes on in bed. She went after.

Oh. And then when I got home, she'd order Domino's with cookies overrated underrated Domino's Domino's cookies I like Domino's out of the pizza chains Papa John's is in the fucking conference north

that one's nowhere we've got American pizza slice on the way right now and it just buries Domino's way beneath the ground Domino's way beneath the ground yeah Domino's is one of them people one of them companies

who's like it's convenience that's put it to the top it's where it always available in most places yeah they smash that bit but I I can understand

why people do really like it I do I know I like it but it's not worth the price it's just it's fine there's bits of it that are great

and there's other bits that aren't. The fact that they don't do fries, they don't, yeah, they don't do fries though and the wedges that they do

is, you know, if you work in Domino's, it's going to be a little bit of advice. You know the wedges you make? You know when you take them out of the oven? Don't.

And leave them in for another four or five minutes. The amount of rock solid wedges I've bitten from there is insane. Yeah. What I do now of rock solid wedges I've bitten from there is insane. Yeah. What I do now is I get wedges from Domino's

and I preheat my oven for when my Domino's arrives so that I can finish cooking them for them. Absolute tech as that is getting the fries out of... Whatever takeaway you've got, get them in the air fryer for a bit just to give them that little bit of heat back

to maybe crisp them up a bit we had pizza on after the boozing because i did a lot of boozing after your show at jimmy's and i wanted i specifically wanted pizza hut and it's a 15 minute drive we went and got it and regret just regret i just don't know what it is about it. The idea of it is better than the actual thing. It's not because it used to be good. Yeah, it's a weird one. Although the one we had after the Glasgow show was banging. That was one of the best pizza I've had.

That was good pizza, yeah. That wasn't pizza though. It was, wasn't it? No, it wasn't. It was under the box. No. Oh, was it not? No.

So what you're talking about with American Slice and that one is big cities particularly will have a few places that just smash pizza, like know exactly how to do it. Domino's, Pizza Hut, Papa John's, they're fucking everywhere, aren't they? They're just every town. Like even Penwitham, where I grew up in Preston, which is a suburb of Preston, has got a Papa John's.

And you're like, ooh, that's good, isn't it? But when you rate it, no, because for Pem with them, that felt cool. But actually, it's not good. Everyone up in the world, son. They're opening Papa John's round corner. I know. I remember when your dad told me that. The city's going

to the moon now. Gonna have Papa John's, gonna have a Tesco Express, oh, possibilities endless. Oh, this man's got a stroke. This is not the worst impression I've ever had. I've got a conspiracy corner.

Is it pizza or raisin? People have been asking. There is one. There is? It's real. Are you fucking chewing kids' heads off? It's real.

It's a conspiracy. Keep sending them in, please. Can we have a jingle, please? I bought a book to take to Edinburgh with me and I have left it in my flat but it's called Conspiracy

and it's just like a load of the main ones and all the details about them but I want funny ones what you bought a book for Edinburgh and you've left it in your flat of course I have

yeah you'll buy it again there and won't be there either Conspiracy is the it's a big book they knew you were going to do that it's a big book they knew you were going to do that it's a big book do you want to hear

my car's conspiracy corner yeah cheer by way of cheer yeah just do it who's drinking who's podding Neil Buchanan has actually Banksy

oh I've heard this one the Art Attack Man the Art Attack Man not Heart Attack Art Attack yeah so for our international listeners there's a TV show that ran for years Oh, I've heard this one. The Art Attack Man. The Art Attack Man. Not Heart Attack. Art Attack. Yeah. So for our international listeners, there's a TV show that ran for years in the UK

called Art Attack. It rhymes with heart attack. Right. But it does. And it was a man would do art for kids. And so the teacher would have to do it along the way. And then he'd do a big art attack at the end of every episode

where he'd like he'd do like a man you know fucking riding a wave with a shark biting his head off but he'd make it

out of like shark stuff and then he'd put it on the beach and he'd get an helicopter and show you that and you'd be like fucking hell you've nailed that Neil

and he'd make it move every scout's memory is more fun than my memory yeah it was about fucking there was a bazooka and a shark and then he was like well you didn't even know And you'd be like, fucking hell, you've nailed that, Neil. And he'd make it move. Every Scout's memory is more fun than my memory. Yeah, it was about a little fucking, there was a bazooka and a shark. And then he was like, well, you didn't even know what I was doing.

Sharks. What were you going to say then, Dan? There's a dildo going off in the studio. I think there was a sex toy vibrating somewhere in the studio, which is the most, have a word, love honey sponsorship thing I've ever... It's the computer fan. Oh, that's good. It's amazing

that I thought it would be a sex toy. Before the computer. It's like, oh, someone's been... There's air conditioning here, there's hand dryers, there's computers, and Dan's like, why is... Who's put a dildo on there? Because there's more sex toys than any of those other things combined. So Neil Buchanan is Banksy.

But there's also another one that Banksy is numerous people, but we will do that another day. Oh no, I think you can link is Banksy but there's also another one that Banksy is numerous people but we will do that another day oh no I think you can link the Banksy thing Banksy a lot of people

know who he is now there's Jeff Banks apparently because he was like no one's buying these keks so it's

it's a fella called Roger something isn't it some guy from Oxford either yeah but that's who we've been told it's Bristol isn't it that's where Banksy's from maybe it's a fella called Roger something isn't he some guy from Oxford like yeah but that's who we've been told

it's Bristol isn't it that's where Banksy's from no it begins with R maybe it's Robert Robert Gunningham okay we're gonna have a google on that that's what we've been told

am I right er Robin Gunningham there you go that was close enough how do you verify has he admitted to being Banksy no

he's categorically said, no, I'm the gundogs, mate. Don't worry about it. So what job has he got? Is he an artist? Yeah. No, he is. Does he work at Cafe Nero?

He doesn't actually say what he does. Does he work at a bank? The guy that they've said is Banksy is also mysterious. Yeah. So it's in Gunningham's sort of MO. It's him. It's Gunno.

Why is it him though? Because it is. Everyone just knows it is now. Really? Yeah, but there's also a thing that has met numerous people. If you Google who is Banksy, it says it's Robin Gunningham. That's what I did. Yeah. Because they've been like says it's Robin Gunningham. That's what I did. Yeah.

Because they've been like, is that Robin Gunningham? Spray painting that wall and then wandering off secretively. I've done a fake Banksy because I'm not him. But no one will know. Do I still do this conspiracy then? Yeah. How much conspiracy do you got? I've got Neil Buchanan is Banksy.

Is that the end of it then? Well, if you've just proved it wrong, yes. I'm now pro-conspiracy. This is the most fun one I've had. So Neil Buchanan stayed in an apartment in 2004. Where the art on Brick Lane appeared overnight across the street from Neil.

Who's tracking Neil Buchanan's movements like this? The head? His wife. Neil is a night owl by nature. who's tracking Neil Buchanan's movements like this the head his wife Neil Neil is a night owl by nature is he he loves midnight so much fun

goes on in there you're constantly seeing Neil Buchanan in like a Tesco extra Bristol is where Neil and his partner

have lived have yep for four years between 96 and 2000 before Bangssy was active yeah but he was just getting the roads

wasn't he he was like we need to know where these are going yeah yeah yeah Banksy has also been found at locations where Neil has been

performing in panto his heavy metal music what he's famously he's in a heavy metal brand and he's also a chef

he's anti-establishment genre of music so he's like fuck the systems Neil Buchanan's got ADHD hasn brand and he's also a chef. He's anti-establishment genre of music, so he's like, fuck the systems. Neil Buchanan's got ADHD, hasn't he? He's high-functioning. Yeah. What's Neil Buchanan's death metal band called, please? Marseille.

Banksy. I am Banksy, but don't tell anyone. They're called Marseille. Yeah. Right. What a weird name for a metal band. Yeah. Neil can create big art attacks out of everyday

objects so what say he can't do social comedy with spray paint around the back of a bookies yeah that's the firm one that that's a solid one he's definitely winning adam over neil put a statement on saying he's not banksy just like banksy would i'm not banksy so I'm next on the list his name is an anagram of anal Ben Schoony which is where some sort of social comedy about bumming in the park at Liverpool John Moores is possible

and he's never been in the same room as him or never seen and the last one is Boy George believes it what do you think Adam I it's robin gunningham i'm pretty sure it's neil buchanan send in funny ones because there's ones here that aren't as an example the dalai lama was a cold war secret agent? For now. Ooh. The Russians.

Do you know why he thought the Cold War was like a war force in the winter? Yeah. So did I. Yeah. Apparently he helped Tibetan guerrillas. That's a real catchphrase moment, isn't it? Say what you see, isn't it? It does make sense.

Isn't it just... It's like... It's emails, isn't it? It's passive. They just weren't talking to each other just passive aggressive passive aggressive war it's just like two women who fell out at a fucking christmas party i'm not even talking to her tell russia she's a fucking dick don't even come over anywhere near me and stay away from my mate cuba who's on cuba's team

cuba and russia were it was was Castro wasn't it the missile crisis Castro loved a bit of the he just loved a bit of the fucking chaos did they store the missiles Castro's therapist was like you're bringing a lot of this on yourself

did they store the missiles there wasn't that the Cuban missile crisis I don't know if it was or the Bay of Pigs because they were like that's the nearest land to the States yeah

the threat from Russian missiles was because of Cuba and that was like 1959, 1962. And they put trade embargoes in. So Cuba's been fucked pretty much ever since. So when people go to Havana and Cuba, and they've got loads of old cars, because they're just not allowed new ones.

Because America can get pretty heavy handed with that sort of stuff. Looks cool though. Yeah. And Cuban cigars are still are they still illegal they were for like

50 odd years weren't they it was illegal to have Cubanos in America what Cubanos

are the sandwiches it's illegal to have putties it's illegal to have sandwiches in America well they put Guantanamo by there

didn't they they were like we're gonna send all the naughty fellas to York. I love it when governments, I don't love it. I think it's imperialistic and horrible.

But when they're like, yeah, this little bit of land that's on your big bit of land. That's ours, that. That's definitely ours. Yeah, Hong Kong. That's ours, isn't it? We own Hong Kong.

We'll look after Hong Kong. And Gibraltar. The Falklands that's our rock we were there you know that's ours on Spain

on mainland Spain I've seen my Chinese police are there they're going on trains and randomly just picking people's phones off them

and if they've got VPNs Facebook Twitter or you get arrested put in prison if they're just going out and grabbing you

they're good to the Chinese aren't they thanks for the laptop but apart from that go fuck yourself it's horrible innit how mad's that imagine someone

you're on Twitter and you just get put in Nick for it yeah well the Chinese government you know over the past few years have done a lot of morally reprehensible

things that I don't agree with you're not going to vote for them are you I'm not Chinese oh no you're not Over the past few years, I've done a lot of morally reprehensible things that I don't agree with. You're not going to vote for them, are you? I'm not Chinese. Oh, no, you're not. Dan, look. Oh, yeah.

You're not. No. I've got to remember that. I'm trying to get in touch with my sister, though, make sure she doesn't vote for them. Do you vote for the Chinese government? Yeah, they do have elections, yeah. Yeah, but it's not real, is it? No.

Are we won again? No. Who counted? Those. And we've won again. Isn't, is it? No. Are we won again? No. Who counted? Those. And we've won again. Isn't the election tomorrow? Sorry. Take that back.

Say it again tomorrow. Guess what? Great news. Oh, shit. This is tomorrow's news. Tomorrow morning. Welcome to tomorrow morning. Shanghai going crazy.

We've won the election. They've won the election again. Our beautiful overlords the communist party even though there are more billionaires in shanghai than anywhere else in the world tell me how that work if everyone's a billionaire though no one's a billionaire i mean it's all relative everyone's not a billionaire there's just a lot of billionaires you know it's not like you know eight-year-old kid on the fucking street billionaire old lady at the bus stop billionaire it's a gold bus stop though he's right though everyone's a billionaire no one's a billionaire because i know he is right a twitch would be a

billion pounds i cannot argue with that you were absolutely right what happened in zimbabwe yeah everyone was a billionaire no pepsi maxis were like 50 quid wasn't he oh with hyperinflation yeah that's mad that anyway listen is it Mugabe is that who it was then he was like fuck

give everyone a foot and billion pound like everyone will be foot and made up of all the voices we could have done with all the voices you've tried today

we've gone Geordie Mugabe is it for Robert Mugabe like oh Bobby Mugabe oh Bobby Mugabe isn't it mad that Robert Mugabe oh Bobby Mugabe oh Bobby Mugabe

isn't it mad that Robert Mugabe would probably be a less controversial owner of Newcastle United than the current ones yeah it'd be

a fun one as well Beltas ends him as well Robert Mugabe Robert Mugabe feels like a like a but he's got the ability

yeah I know what I'm doing ability yeah I know what I'm doing yeah I know what I'm doing I'm thinking of like Sissoko or Yaya Torre the Mugabe role the Mugabe role

it can be asshole can't it big guy good on the ball though and can run with it can get past the player you know you know ball carrier

yeah yeah yeah he's our Mugabe yeah yeah got your prep done or Finn who does prep there's two laptops oh no

changing it up should we do some underrated overrated yeah these are good stop slagging off the prep Sam Mack says underrated overrated perfume on a lady

on a bird perfume on a bird I mean maybe you meant perfume on a lady. On a bird. Perfume on a bird. I mean, maybe you meant perfume on a bird, and I don't think that's a good thing. Never put, you know, eau de toilette on your parrot. Seneca's got a perfume right now that I fucking love.

Oh, really? Yeah. Bad perfume on a woman, though? You know when a woman's overdone it? Which one? It's called Molecule. Oh. Tiny. Oh, my God. no uh you know when you like a woman's like overdone it which one it's called molecule oh tiny oh my god also i did have a problem in the past where an ex-girlfriend wore the same perfume constantly and then a new person i started pork and had the same one right this isn't i'm not i've

not done this before we're're just going to flip to something that is in the advice that I cannot resist doing right now because it's, Matthew says, Hi Lids, need some advice or feel free to have a word with my girlfriend. Earlier in the year,

my mum passed away. But the issue is, they use the same perfume. I don't know if you've ever had the problem of getting a hard-on while smelling your dead mum, but it's not the easiest. What do I do? Nice one.

So his girlfriend has started using the same perfume. Just speak to her about that. Yeah. Tell her, not us. Yeah, that's a mad one, that. I don't know why you're getting in touch with us there. This is a really obvious one. Here's your advice. Say to your Mrs. A mrs a you know babe my mom used to wear that and you smell like me mom and she's dead stop smelling like me dead mom yeah maybe

he wants it in the daytime though maybe he likes her smelling like that in the daytime because it reminds of his mom but when it gets down to it your bed should never mind you of your mom they've got problems. No girlfriend should ever smell of your dead mum for any reason. You smell like my dead mum. Change it up.

I'm just saying maybe in the daytime it's a sentimental thing. If you walked in and your girlfriend was watching Poirot like fucking ooooh

you'd be like pack that in it's my mum now I would. You're right. Yeah Poirot's a... There's a line. Oh, God.

Who's done it this time? The suspense. Ooh, Agatha Christie, you're fucking right in those no bounds. Ooh, you'd be like, that reminds me of my mum. In the day, it's fine. Oh, in the day.

In the day, you'd be like, oh, God. Fucking Poirot. It's so good. It was the fucking travel agent, wasn't it? What's the cutoff for Poirot? Like 9pm or is it earlier? On ITV3.

I love Poirot, me. Oh, you'd be like, fucking hell. You look like me mum. Is this mum's name? Is it? Yeah. Oh, it is, yeah. You walked in. You look like my mum. Stop fingering yourself.

You're not leaving mum. Oh, I've just worked it out. You are my mum. That's where the mistakes come. We will be, don't you? Yeah, cool. The mum of names. Yeah, don't date your mum.

In it. Come on, Finn. I'm... How high are you, man? You're concentrating on cereal. It's like, oh, I've had 13. I've had 13. I've had 13.

I've had 13. I've had 13. I've had 13. I've had 13. I've had 13. mum. In it. Come on, Finn. How high are you, man? You're concentrating on cereals like, oh, I've had 30 flavours. You're dating your mum. Buy her a new perfume.

Buy her a new perfume and throw that one in the bin. Just don't even give her the choice. So, this isn't, it's not similarly. My mum smelt an aftershave I was wearing a few years ago and bought the same one and I had to stop wearing it. Your mum smelt an aftershave I was wearing a few years ago and bought the same one, and I had to stop wearing it. Your mum's wearing an aftershave? Your ma wears aftershave. Yeah, it was like a...

If you'd have said that in a high school, you'd have been bullied to suicide with a mum's shirt. No, happy. Oh, happy he's got a girl's version. No, no, she wore the other version. It was quite floral. One of my favourites. Yeah, it's nice.

But I've had to stop wearing it. Your ma can't be wearing aftershave, lad. You've got to just, you've got to throw that away. Me ma wears aftershave. You can't say that sentence brazenly and just sit there smiling about it. Seneca had...

Your ma wears Fahrenheit. The moisturiser, which is a lady's. But yeah, she wasn't going for it. Belt of shaved hair Yeah. Which is a lady's. But yeah, she wasn't going for a belt of shave. I don't do that either. Which is the most,

like, which is the one that you do not want a woman trying and wearing? There's certain like ones. That is,

yeah. Vanilla and tobacco. Any man's. The Lynx one. But there's always like a female version, isn't there? Yeah, if your bed's wearing Lynx one but there's always like a female version isn't there yeah if your bed's

wearing lynx africa yeah remember lynx chocolate yeah it was great oh my god smells of pe that yeah does doesn't it

and lynx orange yeah it reminds me of pe and going out first like originally in town one million as well as that yeah what did you wear then when we used to go out in town

jean paul gaultier oh that's a heavy gear oh the one with the the blue one oh my we used to go out in town Jean Paul Gaultier oh that's a heavy gear oh the one with the the blue one oh my dad used to fucking the blue like body pour that on

yeah oh it's so sweet isn't it like a torso yeah dupe jump the pink one yeah really fruity

dupe jump yeah yeah yeah yeah I'm a Pennhaligans man now Yves Sal Yves Salaron Kuros was a was a one in the 90s that I feel like

a lot of lads were wearing. Penhaligon's. Yeah. Yeah. How's your dragon? I always... It sounds like it's from Diagon Alley, doesn't it?

Do you have brood? An Old Spice, yeah. Brood and Old Spice? You do look like an Old Spice, man. I'm not going to lie to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bit of brood. You just look like an old man too.

Is that what you're saying? You don't even have a spray shop, do you? You've got that ointment. Yeah. You don't even have a spray, you just put it in your... Oh, that's me. Get the ointment out.

After my throat. You do this as well at the end. For the ladies. Oh, I feel alive. But yeah, Paco Rabanne, the end. For the ladies. I feel alive. But yeah, Paco Rabanne, one million. Jupe, jump. Jump or go. It reminds me of going out.

Yeah, your mum should not be wearing any of them. This is the list. Yeah, if your mum's got Jupe. If your mum's got Jupe, have to shave on. Christ! Start buying Lynx Africa for your mum at Christmas. You know? I know she loves the gift pack.

Do you just mix your aftershaves up or do you stick with one for a solid time? I've got two on the go. Or sometimes train and rotation. And is it for different moods, different times? Different times of the day. It's when I'm sad, yeah. I've got my sad one and my happy one.

Yeah, I've got my Corn Flakes Odor. That's lovely. Ooh, this is going to go well. Penn Halligan's Halfetti Leather is my current... Ooh. You need a lighter one and a heavier one, don't you? Yeah, I think there's also... I've got a holiday one, but it's more like fruity.

Yeah, a bit lighter. I have a bottle of sausage. Just lying around, you know? I've got the sausage parfum. Yeah, it's the little bottle. The sausage parfum! Yeah. Is that Penhaligon's?

No. No? Dior. Dragon's Ball Sweat. That's Penhaligon's, isn't it? Have you tried that? It's so... It's fruity.

Dragon Ball Sweat. He loved that when he was a kid. Penhaligon's just made sounds so made up. I love it. That must be the highest markup on anything on the high street. Wow. After shaving perfume. Just flavoured water in it.

It's like 400 quid. Yeah. It can't be, like, it can't take that much to make. Flavoured water. Well, it is, isn't it? No, there must be some cost in it. No, but not much. You can buy a bottle of 100ml.

Where are you getting Sandalwood from? Sandals. First response. Yeah, it's the brand, isn't it? Yeah. And the package in. Your mum can't wear an aftershave. That's just the bottom line.

No, mine can't. Yeah, Finn, you need to have a wearable there. I've just stopped wearing it. She wears aftershave. We've done it for you. Your mum stole your aftershave. That's just the bottom line. No, I can't. Yeah, Finn, you need to have a way with it. I've just stopped wearing it. She wears an aftershave. We've done it for you. Your mum stole your aftershave. Yeah. I wasn't happy about it.

I just stopped. She's just there, smelling like a man watching Poirot. Gosh, she's a phenomenal woman. I can see why you're dating her. How would she like it if you bought the same dildo? I'll ask her. Don't. That's when she'd go. Don't ask her. Don't. That's what she's done.

Don't ask her. That's going to ruin an episode of Poirot. Mum, pause it. It'd be like an adult just sitting in a room and only watching

anything else for the day. The curtains drawn. Watching what? What? They're just the legend. The legend

of Finn's mum just grows he's got the aftershave as lube fucking Lynx Africa and Poirot what a morning

she's a lovely woman she's brilliant it was so cool dancing with your ma at the at your gig at your gig I was like

ooh Africa it's great women at your gig at your gig I was like ooh Africa Africa women that was someone else ooh Africa I've got a line that was yes I know and do you know what

we're so tuned in today I fucking know who it is for sure I know. And do you know what? We're so tuned in today, I fucking know who it is. For sure. I know you do. And it would end it all. All crumbled up. Oh, God. Listen, should we just call it a break?

Yeah. Because there's no chance we're following. Just a second, you press that, I'm going to say it. What? I'm excited. Pete Furman's here. Oh!

Hey. Press the button. Thanks for coming in, Pete. I'm excited to be here, man. You're our first ever magician. Is that a fact? It's a fact. Apart from me.

Oh, right. Okay. Yeah. You've got some skills. Well, the first thing I ever did on stage was magic. No way. 100% true. What?

Professionally? Like in a gig? Year five talent show. Okay. But it was magic right do you remember what the act was I got given a

card trick book for Christmas and I just did some of them right right came third though really there's only 4 people in it but I did come third

any performances since then or just not magic no but I do like if I'm hungover yeah I get like horny for magic

and I will watch like, I'll watch Penn and Teller fool us, but only the ones where they got fooled. Right. The other ones, I can't be fucked with the other ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a lot of filler on that program.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you seen this one, Pete? That's, I mean. Where does the piss porn come into that hangover? Because I know you go pretty dark on the porn. you go Penn and Teller and then weird porn. So my, my extreme hangovers are magic Penn and Teller fool us where they got fooled. And sometimes in the YouTube piece,

I don't know whether you watch any of this yourself with it being, you know, a bit of a busman's laugh for you, I suppose, but sometimes they'll put Penn and Teller fooled and then they don't get fooled and they've just done it for my view. And I resent that. I resent that so much. Who was the old fella years ago on telly

who would like tell you what happened? He used to have a mask on and it was always so dark and scary. The Masked Magician. The Masked Magician, yeah. Was that what it was? It was dead scary and always like smoky outside. I don't know if it was scary.

It was all blue. I think that's just your memory. I was a child. Yeah, yeah. I used to watch that every week yeah it was great wasn't it because he was in the magic circle and he wore a mask

because you're not allowed to break the rules to protect his identity exactly it'd be the Salman Rushdie of magic exactly didn't want to get jumped by Sutty

there's a conspiracy there's a conspiracy that it was Neil Buchanan I've heard that the masked magician yeah he's busy isn't he he is busy

you should do that one write that one down for your conspiracy con. I used to watch that every week. But yeah, to answer your question, okay, to answer your question,

yes, I do go, I go, I have odd pornography searches including, you know, Lady We, and then I do

Magic First. The Magic Stuff. But then I also watch like, Steve's got me onto it. Steve's not here at the minute. He's got me onto the emotional, like Britain's Got Talent auditions. So where they come on and go,

fucking hell, me nan died yesterday, but she just wanted me to sing because that's why I'm here. And then they get the golden buzzer. Oh, fuck me. It's great. It's so good.

So wait a minute. So it's magic, porn, then sub-story. And yeah, but then sometimes, so I used to yeah sometimes I watch

like really emotional stuff after the porn yeah I'm just I'm a mess when I'm over yeah would you ever mix any of it

like magic porn magic porn does that exist I don't I've never come across it you could start the expression I've seen girls get

sewn in half with a duke but that's about it is that what's going on yeah no I think there's a gap in the market there Britain's got talent

should I start going to hospitals and going your nan's just died bam get in it's a good place to like recruit

recruit no they've got to be talented it's not Britain's Got Dead Nans, it's Britain's Got Talent. It basically is Britain's Got Dead Nans, isn't it?

Has anybody ever won who's nan isn't dead? Except for the dog. That dog's nan will have been dead. There you go. They love that audition, don't they?

There's like, these are good, these are mental sob stories and then there's a quote for the, just mental. That's why X Factor used to be great. Because it used to just be the lunatics. Because there was no, mental sob stories. And then there's a quote for the, just mental. Like, this was. That's why X Factor used to be great.

Because it used to just be the lunatics. Because there was no conscience about it. No. It was so much better, those programs were so much better when it was just in the room with just the four judges.

Yeah. Because it got more awkward when they were shit. Like, when it's in front of like thousands of people and they're booing them, I feel like awful. Yeah. Don't you think that it's like more vetted thousands of people and they're booing them, I feel like awful.

Yeah. Don't you think that it's like more vetted now as well? It is. That's what I mean. Yeah. The acts, I don't know if we've like run out of really legitimately shit acts or not. No,

I think it's. In those early days, they just seemed like crap. I think it's because people are like, you can't say that to people no more. So I'm like, I'd be like, you're the big fat ugly stupid woman,

get out of my house. And they'd be like, oh, you can't say that no more. I'm telling you, you gotta be like, oh, you can't really, you know, you're not really a good singer, are good singer are you right right so they've got to be more gentle with it more pc yeah right

did you they must have been all over you from the off with that sort of stuff what the britain's got talent thing not so much the britain's got talent but had a call from like america's well get a call sort of annually from america's got. It just doesn't, you know, it just, the idea of it just makes my skin crawl a little bit. And also, you know, what I've really got, I mean, this maybe makes me sound

like my ambitions are really low, but no sort of ambition to go and work in America, really. I've done a couple of gigs in America, not great audiences, I've found, compared to Brits, you know what I mean? And it's like Vegas, the sort of end game there for getting your own show,

getting it. That's what magicians seem to want to do. I can't think of anything worse. You know, like David Copperfield's got like a 20 year contract. You know what I mean? Imagine like clocking in the same venue every night, the same show,

blah, blah, blah. It's a permanent head and fringe. Yeah. I'd want to blow my own head off. Yeah. It's like purgatory,

you know? So no, that doesn't appeal to me at all. Why, why straight to America? Why has America's got talent going? Like the Britain's got talent not even... Well, I think, you know, because I've done the odd thing over here.

You're a big dog. You're a big dog. Because I've done a few things over here. Maybe, I don't know. But yeah, America would be like a totally clean slate. So if Vegas in America is a place that you're just like, I can't be even be asked, what's the,

what's the gig that goes in? Cause obviously we've done loads of gigs together. If you've never seen Pete, I've been at the fringe with him. We've done gigs on the circuit together, but you can do, you can do standup gigs and smash, but you can just,

you do your own stuff and you can just do comedy shows. Where's the dream? Where's your favorite place to gig? Where's the one that like you see it coming up in a diary and you're just, you do your own stuff and you can just do comedy shows. Where's the dream? Where's your favourite place to gig? Where's the one that, like you see it coming up in a diary and you're like, this is what I'm about. Well, I don't know about see it coming up in the diary, but like, I'm so, I'm quite old school.

Do you know what I mean? So when they rebooted Tonight at the London Palladium, I got to do that. And that's just like, like Mecca for like variety acts. Do you know what I mean? And even standups, I think, you know, we all recognise that it's just a brilliant roomcca for like variety acts you know what i mean and even stand-ups

i think you know we all recognize that it's just a brilliant room to play the london palladium so i did the tv show and because it was the tv show you know it's like you sort of you play it differently to a live gig so i'd like to get back there and do like the solo show at the london palladium that would be that's like an end goal really over and above vegas and all that bollocks right yeah was jason manford hosting that no it was bradley walsh right yeah a little bit of that though right like because he's he's old school isn't he he's traditional and he's a comic and a host and a compare and he's all of it one foot in the old style a little bit of variety bastards on the planet bradley walsh i i bet yeah are we going pro bradley walsh yeah he, wasn't he? He's an ex-footballer as well.

Yeah, ex-footballer. Played for Bradford and Manchester City. Just like my grandad. He was involved in the Northern Ireland Peace Treaty as well. That's a little known fact. Yeah. Mo Molan, you know. Jerry Adams.

What? What? Yeah. I mean Jerry Adams. You always get them mixed up. It's stupid, isn't it? Oh, fuck. I always get them mixed up.

You are always getting them mixed up. He's very good. He good, a great left back. You know Bruce Forsythe's ashes are below the stage at the London Palladium, did you know that? Has someone just left them there? Because that's where he burned to death. Lost property. Somebody needs to pick these up.

Bruce, he was cremated and his wishes were to be below the stage. Because he'd never been booked there. He was like, I'm getting it right at the end. Where would you get your ashes, Poe? Oh, good question. Frog and bucket dressing room, I've said it before. I want it in an urn saying, you think you just died.

I've actually asked Laura to make that happen. Really? Yeah. We'll just have a little one because he can split you up now, can't he? Yeah. You get broken up now. Yeah.

A little bit sprinkled here, a little bit sprinkled there. People have got jewellery and little pots. Like you're in Ainsley's fucking spice cabinet. Yeah, yeah. A little bit of gear. A little Horadano. Yeah, a bit of Nan on that.

Yeah. Parmesan. Damn nightingale. Parmesan. Horadano. Parmesan. Damn nightingale. Parmesan. Orodano. Good God. We've been in the studio three days in advance.

All right, okay. Understood. Where would I go? I don't know where I'd go. I'd only get committed to don't fuck it and buried or shot into space. But you'd break me up.

Take me all around the world. No, I don't. I want the pile intact. Why? Yeah. I think so, yeah. I don't't know why i like the idea of the breaking up thing it never crossed my mind but i guess if you're getting yeah you know burnt to dust why not in my living room he's dead but he's in the living room yes and there's a bit of the kitchen in there right now it's always on the fridge can't be able to tell the difference

no but yeah he's in there I used to always get freaked out by it but now I'm like oh it's actually quite comforting in a weird way actually I was like oh shit what the fuck

why is your nan on the in the drinks cabinet yeah she's a thirsty bitch my wife's dad is also in Carl's house and that was a weird request, but he was really good about it. Is he?

No, he's in the living room. Is he? Yeah. Is it comforting? No. To you? No,

because he's next to the TV. Yeah, same. I don't know why he needs to be there. But he's not. Wow, watch a bit of the test match. Is he in Iowa?

Rob. Yeah. What's he in? What's he in? What's the receptacles that you get put in? What's the receptacles in the little sucker? What do he in? What's the receptacles that you get put in? The receptacles and the little What do you mean? Wasn't the ashes,

was it? It's good. You'd run around with Laura's dad when England win. Yeah! Drops it. They retain them.

He's got to go back to Australia. I'd like to be put into cakes if I'm going to be cremated. Put a bit of me in some fucking flans. You know what I mean?

Flans? Come on. Whoa, whoa, whoa. How many N's are in that word? A's? How many A's are in that word? Yeah, some flans. Flanders?

Yeah. Send them to Flanders. You cremate me, right? And then just in time for the end of the week after everyone's had their meal. Like, they bring out desserts and they're Adam cakes. The waking bake, we could call it.

I'm crying, obviously, because you've died. This pudding is very dry. Just a quick announcement. You are eating Adam now. Okay. Nah, break me up. Take me to all the favourite gaffes. By the way, if I do that and you're there

you've got to eat me you can't be pulling this vegan shite I'm not an animal mate I'm a human being so I've got to okay I'll put it aside for that

yeah it's not animal products is it like imagine if a cow come up to you and was like it's sound you can have a scrammy

you'd eat that cow wouldn't you so I'm doing that I'm the cow if it was asking for it yeah if you had to kill it and cook it

and he was like put me out of your misery would you have a burger uh yeah why not good lad why not

not a vegan really no plastic one yeah put me in cakes if you just if it's in a very small quantity in the cake mixture then it's not going to affect the flavour

or the like the the stuff of the cake but what are you getting out of it all my mates get to eat me is it cake it's not going to affect the flavour or the stuff of the cake. But what are you getting out of it? All my mates get to eat me. Is it cake? It's Adam. I am.

Would you have a body in your house? Cremated or? Yeah. I think I'd feel a bit weird about it. I'd be very similar to you, I think. But I'm used to it now and I actually find it confusing. Initially, I'd be like, fucking hell. I think the mistake we made is putting him in a misd about it. I'd be very similar to you, I think, but I'm used to it now and I actually find it confusing. Initially, I'd be like, fucking hell.

I think the mistake we made is putting him in a Mr. Potato Head. That felt disrespectful. That was quite insensitive. Yeah, yeah. Pull his leg off, half of him just pours out. Just remember, Laura can watch this.

I miss him so much. You know? He's in the that's that's what i mean miss him so much do you ever get any mad requests from people like have you ever like had any mad requests from people who were like oh i'm i'm i don't know like with magic i feel like there's have you ever played a funeral there's potential for you to get booked that would be fucking incredible. Yeah. Because I've said for a long time, I want my funeral to be like a happy occasion.

Book a magician, book a comedian. Saw them in half. It makes it easier to get to meet them. Imagine getting booked for a funeral, though. I mean, you wouldn't be looking forward to it, would you, as the act? I don't know. I'd rather do a funeral than a wedding as a comedian. Yeah, I can see that.

I think that would be such an easier gig than a wedding. Because at a wedding, you've got loads of the women there who are fucking fuming. It's not them getting married. I'm men, I'm men. Right. But a lot of the women are like,

oh, when's it going to be my turn or something? They're all trying to catch that bouquet. And then you've got like the old people who are really easy to upset and stuff. Like at a funeral, everyone's already miserable, if anything, but they're all just a bit happy. Like, at least miserable, if anything, but they're also a bit happy,

like, ah, at least I'm not dead. And they're waiting for that release, aren't they? Yeah. They're waiting for that moment That's why laughing at a funeral, like no one laughs at a wedding. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you know what I mean? Everyone's crying in a wedding. People laugh at funerals. Adam's so competitive that he genuinely thinks that's how people grieve. Yeah, at least I'm not dead. Yeah.

We won. He lost. Yeah. We're the winners yeah what's the maddest thing you've been you've been booked for

not booked for I generally inquiries for like weddings yes never the funeral bar mitzvahs

seems to be a thing that magicians are in demand for make the end disappear yeah I'm not exactly sure why um but yeah I no i don't do any i don't do those sort of private gigs really just sort of my own shit you know oh really there's always a

price though in there that's absolutely yeah of course that awful that awful like you know the earl of you know cuntbridge has asked you to do a private party for 40 grand you're like oh the duke of westminster booked michael mcintyre i think the room was for about 30 grand for a private party wow i don't know i don't know how you turn i probably should turn that down you know that's a bad line to work for me probably on his way up rather than like right yeah this isn't like in the last five years he just puts a gig on

and he makes that probably yeah also what's he doing what material is he doing isn't that weird yeah what's it like to own a castle

yeah and a lot of land although to be fair now he could probably do observational material about it I've seen nothing about him for years.

Is it just me not seeing it? Or is he just not? No, he's doing mainstream Saturday night TV. Oh, don't watch the telly. The Wheel. Yeah. He's, I think,

signed a big old contract and he's gone that way. He's gone to America as well. He's hosting the American version of his game show, The Wheel. Mad. I can't imagine Americans liking him.

No, it's very British, isn't it? Oh, I would imagine that's what they like. Yeah, sure, they want it. Sort of like the Welsh-American Englishman. I think he's so underrated amongst comics. The amount of comics where, like, it's like he's sort of dismissed. He's so, so, so good at what he does.

Without a doubt, yeah. It's so effective. So good. An amazing comic. But not cool to like him, almost. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? No, I hate him. It's so effective. So good. An amazing comic. But not cool to like him almost. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? No, I hate him.

I think he's a gobshite, but you know, if you like that sort of shite, it's all right. There we go. I'm only joking. I've met someone who's dead south. Have you got some tricks for us, Pete?

I've got a few tricks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll... So if you're listening on the audio, you can just go fuck yourself for the next five minutes. Yeah, yeah, this is... This is going to be perfect for your podcast listeners yeah do you know that i i often do like radio stuff you know

like interviews like plug-in shows and stuff and they ask to see a trick which is totally redundant but did you know that ventriloquism used to be a massive thing on the radio back in the day in the 1950s i could do that surely not so it was a huge thing. There was some massive, you know, British stars that were ventriloquists on the radio. You could do that. Probably let's just put on a voice on them. Anyone could do it. Let's just put on a voice on them.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Hey! Hello! You don't even have to do that. And you'd still do the hand. You can't. You can't do the hand. You don't even need the puppet.

You don't even need it. That's mad, innit? Nah. They're fucking stealing the living, then, mate. Tricks. I'm a horrible. Hiya. Let's, uh...

If you're listening to the audio, we apologise. Go over. We'll give you a timestamp. Go and watch this part of the video on YouTube. Yeah, this is, uh... Yeah, if you're listening on the audio, we'll put... What? If you're listening on the audio,

we'll put the timestamp on the screen. We've been doing this for some time. I mean, on socials and stuff just go to the third section just go and watch the third and fourth section it just got so complicated all of a sudden i'm doing a card trick if they're not watching on the youtube do we really want them as fans anyway yes yeah we do they're bigger than the youtube audience i really appreciate you guys you're the biggest i'm just being a dick but i want to see some tricks let's do a trick we can't get Pete Fairman and not have some magic happen,

do you know what I mean? Let's do a trick. Now, all of these cards are different. That's important. We'll take your word for it. Do you want to take a card? Because you're closest. Oh, he's got his eyes.

Is it all right if you take it, Adam, for the video? I need to be involved. I can't believe I've got picked. He's going off mic. His eyes have changed. Take one. Don't move back yet. I can confirm Adam has got a card. He's got a card. He's definitely changed. Take one. Don't move back yet.

I can confirm Adam has got a card. He's got a card. He's definitely holding a card. And now a marker pen. Oh, you're making him do admin. This is going to take a while. If you can write a brief thesis on your sort of career thus far on the face of the card,

or alternatively, just write your name. Yeah, I'll just write the best. Yeah. On the value side, though, Adam, not the backside, otherwise they're dead easy to find it's concerning that he's still writing it's a d a m i don't think he's written the word adam is he written yeah do you think he's drawn boobs i yeah all right i'll take the pen i hope he's not rubbed it against that nice T-shirt.

Oh, no. Adam, if you're going to interact with Pete, you're going to need to use that mic next to you. There's no chat. He's just going to put it back, and then we're going to... Shall I show the people at home? That's a very good point.

You've done this before. Adam is showing the people at home. I'm not looking at any monitors. He's written a name on it. Oh, has he written something rude? Nope. He really hasn't. I don't know what name it could be.

Anonymous name. You can return to your seat. We'll never know. And we're going to do it for this camera here. It's going to mix up the cards. Now, I'm going to show you different ways that you can shuffle a deck, right? Different shuffles. That one there was just like a cut to the table, right?

This one here, doing it to your close-up camera, it's called a riffle shuffle. Oh, sexy that. Riffle shuffle. A little riffle shuffle there. This one is called a one-handed riffle shuffle. Let's see if this is achievable while sitting on this faux leather sofa.

Oh, look at this. There we go. You're amazing. What? Fucking hell. And they say magicians can't get girls. And I'll cut them. You know what? I'm going to look at this one as well.

Now, this one, I used to practice as a kid, actually. I would rehearse this in my mum and dad's bathroom because they got a big bathroom with a mirror above the sink. And I'd lock myself in there and rehearse over in my mum and dad's bathroom because they've got a big bathroom with a mirror above the sink and I'd lock myself in there and rehearse over and over again but unfortunately this sound coming from a bathroom that's a cause for concern Sounds like you're coming

Are you coming in there? Don't do card tricks Three colonoscopies by the time I was 12 Right so I've mixed them up, I've yeah. Right, so I've mixed them up. I've cut them up. I've shuffled them up. In my little pocket here,

I've got a little envelope, which is empty. I'm going to drop the entire pack of cards inside of there. Give another little mix. One more shuffle to show you. Local to me, actually. This is the Middlesbrough shuffle.

Middlesbrough shuffle. You mix them up. Look, Ed. Look, I'm going gonna skewer the envelope on the knife you're thinking of one card yeah do you remember

what it was you still remember you want me to think of the one that I picked yeah think of it the one you wrote your name on here we go

shuffle pack one two buckle my shoe what the fuck what the fuck there he is yeah is that it Jake Garrett

who's Jake Garrett it's you amazing wow what card is that Jason Spade What the fuck? There he is. Jake Garrett. Who's Jake Garrett? It's you. Wow. Is that Jason Spade? Who is Jake Garrett? We don't know. I have no idea.

Just an anonymous guy. Oh, okay. Great. All right. You'll never know. A little bit of mystery at the end of the mystery. Pete, do you always take a penknife out with you? Yeah.

A flip knife even isn't that been an issue well i always i always have one at gigs because i usually do that in my act or whatever no one's ever uh stopped me and so you could get away with literal murder as a magician couldn't you oh why have you got this fucking axe and this machine gun in your car i'm a magician well it's it's funny actually because not only have I got that, it's in my little bag of tricks. Oh, what's the other one? I've got a hammer. Yeah, because when I first started doing clubs,

comedy clubs, as a magician, right? Like, as soon as he said, this guy's going to do a bit of magic, it was like instant, like, everyone kind of turned off. So I used to do this trick in the opening of my act. There isn't really a trick, actually. This is like a real thing. Oh, no.

So this is... Are you going to hammer that into your face? I'm going to hammer this nail, which is about, I don't know, four and a half, six inches on a good day. Oh, no. No, that's at least seven. And people think that this is a trick,

but this is a steel nail. So here we go. What are you doing? He's flapping it. The dog's concerned. Here we go. This camera, yeah? Oh, no.

What are you doing? Here we go. Now, that's only halfway at the moment. That just the nails in his head like in the club now everyone's watching you know what i mean oh do you listen to someone with a nail in his face what am i gonna do oh it's all the way in there now look at that oh god dan if i sneezed right now fella i could fucking kill you the nail is now we're in a it's like a quandary now

right because the nail's in the face how do you get the nail out of the face right well luckily on the other side of the hammer

they've got this little claw attachment here what's it called claw attachment and I can just get that in there just like that what are you doing I'm just get that in there something like that what are you doing

and just ah ah ah there it is nail it to the face come on the damage

that's the damage you could do to your nostrils are you alright I'd never do something like that you look just like your mum down there oh yeah you taste like chicken

the damage what I said he just looks just like his mum down there she was always sucking I don't know Oh, yeah. It tastes like chicken. The damaged what? I said he just looks just like his mum down there. She was always sucking, I don't know. How do you... That was a waste. That was my fucking life. Pete, that's your best trick yet. Swatting car with a life.

It's telekinesis, mate. Amazing. How did you find out you can do that? Well, you don't. You sort of read that it's possible, and then you kind of very carefully explore with a... I think I did start with a nail, actually. Obviously, I wasn't whacking it in, first of all,

but the guy that discovered how to do that was a boxer, actually, and what happened was his nose was broken and uh in a fight and the doctor when they were sort of trying to fiddle around and and make it right he noticed that like these you know instruments that he was using to sort of mess about with his nose were going all the way can you just pull up a little bit closer to you sorry sorry he was going all the way into his face, you know, because what you've got is a nasal cavity that basically goes from your front of your nose pretty much to the back of your skull. And he discovered this because of this doctor

and then started doing this act where he would hammer a nail into his face. He used to work like sideshows in America and stuff like that. Right. But people don't know that, and it looks like you've just twatted a nail into your head. That's exactly that. Freak the fuck.

He still has, hasn't he? I wonder if that's where the term hard as nails comes from. Like how about a fighter? Because that would make sense. Maybe. That boxer being

hard as nails. That sounds like a good origin. A good nickname if not. Yeah. Jimmy the hard as nails nail. Be a weird nickname for Jimmy Nail, innit?

Where's Jimmy gone? Jimmy, I heard Crocodile Shoes the other day. He's in America. Is he? America want everyone now. be a weird nickname for Jimmy now where's Jimmy gone Jimmy I heard he's in America he's in America America want everyone now Michael McIntyre I'm not going mate

I'm not going they're not going to get me no don't do it write a blank check don't matter I'm not going no thank you

Pete can I ask a question what's the envelope for what's well earlier today I had a premonition, but I cleaned myself up and I came to the studio. Hey, come on.

I've got them all. You're getting the full act here. I'm not like downplaying it because you're sitting about having a laugh. You're getting both barrels. Yeah, so look, forget that for a minute. What I've got here is a pack of cards, but it's not a pack of cards in the traditional sense.

These are blank cards, and on them are the names of famous dead people, people that have passed away. So I'll sort of show it here, but I'll show you guys as well. So like John Denver, Patsy Cline, who else have we got? James Dean, Kurt Cobain.

Very American so far. Very American so far. Steve Irwin, he's a little bit different than Walt Disney. Jeffrey Epstein. Yeah, he's dead. He's dead. Amy Winehouse. Amy Winehouse.

Got a few there. Joan of Arc. People have died in unusual ways. Belushi. Anyway, what I'm going to do, we'll do it with you this time, Dan. What I'm going to do is I'm going to deal the cards onto the table like this.

Anywhere you like, just say stop, right? Don't feel like you've got to go straight away or you can interrupt me wherever you want go on not yet keep going i just want to be thorough yeah because you want you to go early don't let me run out of cards no and i think a lot of people on the audio want me to go early but i'll go now now okay this one here Okay. Don't want to go for this one? No. Hang on. Hang on. No.

Go two back. Two back? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. One. There you go. Just because I felt like a little card sort of fell there. No, no, no. Okay.

So do you want this one here or this one here? One in my hand or one on the table? One's on the table. Table. Table. Okay. Elvis Presley. Solid. King of rock and roll elvis presley of all of these dead people you've gone for elvis and you could have had next one down would have been steve irwin over here we've got well you saw john denver tommy cooper etc etc but you've gone for elvis presley

the prediction was on the table the whole time. And what I did is before I arrived, I put the photograph of a famous person in the envelope. You're not going to believe it. We're supposed to be rearranged. But in the envelope is a photograph of Elvis Presley. Look at that. There he is. There he is.

I know what you're thinking. I know what you're thinking. That's not Elvis, but come on, look at that pelvis. I know you're thinking that's not Elvis, but come on, look at that pelvis. Now, this is my funeral material, Adam, for when I get booked for the gig. Obviously, it'd be better if I turned it around and showed you Elvis on the back. I can't do it, but it would be better. You might look like that.

Come on, be fair. Only one picture in the envelope. It's John Denver. And you went back two as well then? Yeah. What would have happened? This has done my head in. You've had to gone back three.

And you wouldn't have gone back two because it wouldn't have changed. But you've done my head in there. Oh, sorry, Cal. That's an iPad. He just loads it up. He just gets a picture ready. That's impressive. Tricks. Amazing. Thanks, fellas ready. That's impressive. Tricks.

Amazing. Thanks, fellas. It's done my head in. Who's the comic that you look up to the most? Who's the one, because we've all got our favourite comics, you've got your favourite comics, but who's the magician?

Can I hear who your favourites are, just briefly, just so I can make up one that's just as cool? No, but is there... Is there a magician that sort of does the same thing? You know, whenever you're thinking about magic and comedy, it's Cooper. Everyone always talks about Tommy Cooper.

And, like, when I was a kid, he was still on TV, even though, you know, he was dead at the time and it was, like, reruns and stuff. And I think if you're going to combine magic with comedy, I don't think anyone's really done it better than him, you know? Even though it always kind of went wrong and that was his shtick. pine magic with with comedy i don't think anyone's really done it better than him you know even though it always kind of went wrong and that was his shtick and when i do it i try and have it go right but isn't that an amazing skill to make it go wrong on purpose yeah absolutely and what's great

about him is if you watch like as i've done like the same trick in different performances you know over many years it goes wrong in the same. It goes wrong in exactly the same way. And the script is almost exactly the same, like the script of it going wrong. Yeah. Because he was just, he was meticulous. He really was. I used to watch it with my granddad.

I used to watch it with my granddad. He'd go, he's a good magician because, like, he can make it go wrong. He'd have to be a good magician to constantly do that. Yeah, exactly. I used to watch them all with my granddad. He used to love it so much. And sometimes it went right as well. And he used that kind of sparingly you know when the trick actually went

right and it sort of surprised the audience and got a big reaction or whatever but much more entertaining when it goes wrong for him i think yeah uh so yeah probably cooper i'd say who's the goat magician is it is it copperfield he's the one like the biggest one i know he's certainly the most one i would say probably the most successful and the richest um for me personally when i was a kid like pen and teller had a a series way before foolers on channel four called the unpleasant world of pen and teller which was really good but i think you know david blaine's a bit of a figure of fun now but when that first street magic special he did came on telly uh which was the first time you sort of see magician like

walking up to people doing amazing things and what was really smart was at the end of the trick like the camera just went to them like for their reaction and like let the magic just kind of sink in and you just sort of saw that and that was revolutionary you know so he's like he's pretty up there too yeah i'm a big fan of it all i used to watch that all the time the mass magician all the time yeah um even like it was for more for children but stephen mulhern used to do stuff yeah more targeted the kids on the telly i've always loved it i was made up when you get a chance to go and see pete just go and watch pete firman do do what he does it's fucking amazing i remember you were in the room next to me in edinburgh in 2008 and you started about 20

minutes before me right so my audience maybe 15 minutes before me so my audience had to wait in a small queue while your audience were already enjoying your show 15 to 20 minutes in right a very intimidating sound to hear through you know the fake walls of an edinburgh venue that have been put up maybe four weeks before yeah just people going and then i walk away hello how are you my name's dad it's just it's i remember that yeah that was a really damp i mean they're all damp but that was a particularly damp, dingy venue. With the underbelly, wasn't it? that was the underbelly that really felt like

you were getting black lung or whatever it was. Absolutely, yeah. Yeah, my, my suit, I was doing it

in a three-piece suit that year. It never dried out. It got like, wet through the first night and never dried for the whole of the month. The following day, just putting on this like,

damp shirt and damp suit. Oh, grim. Has it ever gone wrong on like a big scale? Your trick just hasn't worked and you've gone, right, let's move on. I've done that. If it's gone, if it's, you know, I sort of sidestep and then go into something else.

But the thing about tricks is like you never usually set up what's going to happen at the top of it. So if something goes wrong halfway through, you can sort of change it a little bit and sidestep and try and get out of it you know yes you're constantly on your feet going oh shit yeah yeah you're sort of on your toe it's a little bit like stand-up you know if they're not going for it you fucking go into another routine you

get held also and disrupts a routine you can just be like oh is you've got to step yeah it's the other bit that makes this one more question because i just i might never get to ask the magic conventions where people go and trade tricks and yeah it's do do people actually perform at those and have you done that because i feel like that'd be a special type of insane like that's basically doing comedy just to comics almost yeah i i i think the last convention that i went to was probably about 15 years ago i tend to sort of avoid them because magic by and large is a lot of people that do it it's like you know amateurs really and that's fine you know it's a great hobby you know and they're into it and the whole magic convention thing is a way for people that come up with magic

tricks to make money by selling them to these amateurs or whatever so there's not a great deal but you're actually coming up with your tricks so there's no trading of them well no i mean i i do do some stuff that was invented by other people but you always try and put your old spin on it you know what i mean um but yeah the idea of you're quite right like doing magic for other magicians would just be yeah imagine doing you know comedy for a room full of stand-ups oh yeah it's usually back's usually, back in the day when I did Edinburgh, the preview nights where you hadn't sold many tickets and there'd maybe be like 15, 20 in

and they'd include some of your flyers maybe and comics who are coming to support. And it's one of those ones where you're like, oh, this is, I've just got to make the most of this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And usually people are quite generous with it, but it's not the best audience, is it? At a magic convention, it might be a lot of magicians that aren't there to support you in

fact they're there to sort of see you cock up they want to see you fail do you know what i mean it's that sort of thing as well how do you how do you work with a trick do you get like the end then work backwards yeah a little bit yeah sort of like uh like a mad idea like i read this uh in this old magic book back in the early part of the 20th century there used to be this fairly common trick where the magician would borrow a hat from a gentleman in the audience top hat probably something like that and uh like put ingredients in there crack an egg in their flour milk or whatever oh no his hat's ruined or whatever and then like a cake would end up out of the hat and the hat would be like unharmed. So I read that in the book and I'm like, that's a great thing, you know, because it's funny because everyone thinks you like knacker in a fella's hat or whatever.

But not many people, I mean, maybe, you know, you two are wearing hats, but you know what I mean? It's you can't guarantee someone's going to have a hat in the audience. So I thought, well, everyone's going to have a shoe. So I do the same thing, but I borrow a shoe from a guy in the audience and i crack an egg and pour a half a pint of milk in there and flour and blah blah blah and then a little cupcake comes out at the end and what happens if that one goes wrong halfway through he's going to clinkers he's going to clarks that's what happens that's a hard one to yeah he's got eggs in your shoes yeah yeah yeah the funniest thing that happened to me it wasn't that edinburgh was the year before my first edinburgh uh 2007

i did this trick and back then i was i was still doing like the nail in the face and i used to do a thing where i put uh skewers through my arms and it was it was all that kind of gross stuff and i did this thing where i apparently dropped a mouse into a food processor still on youtube if if anyone wants to see it and obviously it's a trick right but it looked really good so a mouse gets dropped in and you know whatever anyway one edinburgh show this lady like gets really upset really really upset and i think she'd had a few or whatever storms the stage she's all you know up in my grill like pointing at me how can you do that blah blah blah blah blah security you will know where to be seen so i say i don't know what you're so concerned about they

only cost three quid and got a big laugh from the audience she went mental luckily at that point the door staff were in and managed to cart her out but that's yeah when you're dealing i mean i in my show i get people up on stage all the time and you never know what they're going to do do you know what i mean? So whenever you've got your public involved, it's kind of anything can happen really. Choppy waters. Choppy waters, exactly.

You're never interested in the David Blaine stuff he does now? He does all like the mad shit, like trying to fly and that. No, I am interested in it. I think it's great actually. In fact, I think last year or maybe the year before, he did like his first proper live shows and uh in them he's like holding his breath for 12 minutes ever seen the one when he goes with the balloons with um is it google and he's holding his breath basically in space it's the four things on

youtube oh wow he goes up with balloons the balloons um take him off he's holding his breath for like 15 minutes or something stupid and then his doubloons pop and he comes back to earth yeah i mean he he trains and does all that stuff you know he does a thing where he like puts a pretty much like an ice pick through his hand and it's similar to the yeah dealing the first thing that that you know you can do it and avoid important stuff but who wants to try that you know what i mean you slip in a vein and it's you know pissing blood or whatever I mean it's just but yeah I think he's fantastic I would love to see

his live show actually yeah he's properly not really magic is it it's just sort of stunts it's endurance isn't it like underwater and freezing

and under like when he didn't eat in the box remember that yeah down by the Thames he's an illusionist isn't he

that's yeah he's just basically pushing his body to the edge in all possible ways isn't he yeah and I think some of them you to the edge in all possible ways, isn't he? Yeah, and I think some of them you're not sure, and I think that's cool. You know, the fact that is it a trick?

Is it not a trick? It sort of blurs the lines a little bit, and that's interesting, I think. Yeah. When he was in that box, I seen him have a little curly-whirly at one point. Only you? It was like... I'm not going to ruin it for everyone.

You're dead sound for not saying it. You know what I mean? How did he do that? Cut that out, by the way. Adam's in the magic set. He doesn't want to text off Dave. I'll do that. I'll put it in just like that. For them to cough.

He's mad for Curly Whirlies, David Bowie. Curly Whirlies! And if I see him now, what else, you know, what else did I miss? Because I didn't watch all of it. They're easy to hide up a sleeve, aren't they, Curly Whirlies? I'm sure it's a full burrito. No, I'm not. I'm not.

I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm? Because I didn't watch all of it. They're easy to hide up a sleeve, aren't they, Curly Whirlies? I'm sure it's a full bonito.

No one else is watching. Didn't someone send like a cheeseburger or something? Yeah, he sent a macchiato on a drone next to it. But he was full? Yeah. He said no. But that's a Curly Whirlies. Animal's fucking Curly Whirlies and a bonito. I'm alright. I'm stuffed. animals very curly whirly isn't it buddy so i'm all right

let's have a break let's have a break oh lovely stuff he's leaving on a train. Excited? Yeah. Can you see him at? Yeah. Have a great time, mate. Got no flyers. No flyers? I've got three flyers starting tomorrow

and flyers that don't arrive till Monday. So, good that. Gonna have to figure that out. The interpretive dance they'll do to get... Adam Rowe is in. Adam Rowe. Maybe you could get them to write your name and Sharpie on their bodies and just be topless on the Royal Mile.

Great idea. And not stand out, because the Royal Mile is absolute batshit. Luckily, Friday and Saturday are sold out, and tomorrow is like 75% sold out. So it's going to be fine. Have you spent a fortune on big posters? I haven't got any. So you're just relying on the flyers?

This is our poster. Yeah, this is our poster. Right, yeah, yeah, of course. No posters, be arsed with that. You know what I mean? Just get too much admin. I thought it would be a lot of admin to order flyers, but it took me exactly seven minutes yesterday.

And I've been putting that off for a week. Otherwise I'd have them, but it took me exactly seven minutes yesterday. And I've been putting that off for a week. Otherwise, I'd have them. But I haven't. Wow. The thing is, though, if I had ordered them, I would have to drive to Edinburgh.

So if anything, it's worked well. Could have got them delivered to Edinburgh. Yeah, which I have now done. But if I'd have ordered them last week, I'd have ordered them to mine. Yeah. Because I thought it was driving. But I'm now not.

You know what I mean? So it's worked out well, if anything sometimes my negligence of uh admin stuff actually you know it all comes up millhouse millhouse being me yeah you're going on tour pete yes i am pete's on tour show's called trick talk oh do we get that guys yeah but it's spelt ticked? But it's spelt TikTok. Go on. No, it's spelt TikTok. Oh, yeah, sorry. Without the C. Just the K. Oh, like the app. Yo!

Nothing gets past this, lad. He's fast. Sharp as a tack. Yes, starts in September, 1st of September. Very excited about it. When's your first date? First date's Crawley, the Hoth. Oh, I love the Hoth.

Little studio room in the back. Yeah, it's nice. And thenth oh i love the studio room in the back yeah yeah it's nice and uh then like cambridge and everywhere else and places in the north and everywhere yeah where do we get tickets get tickets from my website pete firman.co.uk firman is f-i-r-m-a-n.co.uk i love it when people flirt with that camera. It's a really... How does you feel? You feel like you've got it when you're plugging. Do you know what I mean? It is.

If you've got tickets to my Nottingham show on October the 22nd of October, it is no more. The Nottingham Glee is dead forever. So we've moved it to Sunday, October the 15th at Metronome. Check your emails or email the Glee or the Metronome and we'll get you sorted. We're just

moving everyone over to that date. So that's a bit of excitement, isn't it? Everyone else, down there in gal.com. Adam has been booked for the Glee's funeral, so that's... Yeah, yeah. To do magic. He's bringing it back. He's reviving the act. He's bringing it back. Talking about little annoyances, like losing your venue,

we're doing little annoyances because you don't love all of the symbol pleasures but i feel like little annoyances i've got so many of my own that i think they'll just spill out of me if if we get going i mean so we started sorry i've interrupted but we started a feature as you always do yeah we started in the future and it was too positive so now we're just we've twisted. We did. We started it in the future. And it was too positive. So now we've just twisted it negative, haven't we? That was in the future.

It was what? No, we did it on the Sean Moller episode. Yeah, you did. We didn't have a name of it though. We've got a new feature piece. It's things that piss you off

but just, you know those little things that shouldn't piss you off? Yeah. Like an example I use is you get in a lift, you're going to the 13th floor. Yeah.

Right? Someone gets in the lift with you and going to the 13th floor. Yeah. Right? Someone gets in the lift with you and they go to the first floor. Doesn't that just do your fucking head in? Don't you just like fucking walk, you fat twat? You know what I mean? Is that exactly how you do it?

I'm not sure I'd have that reaction, but yeah, it is slightly annoying. I want to eat you in a cage. Yeah. Just like little things like, just missing the traffic lights. Yeah.

And it's red and you're like, the guy in front of you gets through but you just don't yeah what annoys me when they slow too much in front

and they sort of stop just as it's gone to amber they could have gone through the amber we could have all got through yeah that's worse yeah when someone's just like

oh I'm not in any rush where I am you fucking knobhead that sort of vibe Jessones has got one okay when you try to put your seat belt on and it keeps stopping even when you're not pulling that hard it just does the weird i kind of like that yeah i feel i know what you mean by that i kind of weirdly like that like like sometimes when i'm in a car you pull it tight pull it and then like push my chest against it.

I do that. It's weird, isn't it? Oh, hang on, when it's already plugged in. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Just to feel the- Yeah, and you're like, lean against it. And I'll lock it.

And then I'll just like rub myself on it. I do that, bro. It's a simple pleasure. Like this, you go and then you go. I know it's mad, but I'm so glad I'm not the only one who does that. I do it. Do you do it?

Yeah. I'll tighten it dead tight around myself. But no. Does it feel like a cuddle? mad but i'm so glad i'm not the only one who does that i do it and sometimes you do it yeah i'll tighten it down tight around myself but no but it feel like a cuddle yeah it does put it around your neck but when you're in a rush and you're trying to get it down quickly that is the worst that's that is a that is a fucking annoying that's just someone who needs a lesson a lesson a lesson thanks john patience that was Lesson in patience. Nathan Bryan says, when you're at the tills and you're only buying like a pint of milk, but some Karen in front of you won't let you go before

her with a monthly big shop. I don't get annoyed with that because, do you know what? Honestly, I could have seven trolleys full of stuff and there could be someone behind me buying a marker pen and then not going in front of me. Of course they're not. Go to self-checkout, fuck off.

It's what's for. That doesn't annoy me because I feel like when I'm there, I'm just like, yeah, they were first. My only worry there is you've got, say, a basket full and someone's got, I don't know, some Tic Tacs, and you're like, oh, you know what, you go next. And then the guy behind them is going, and they pull a trolley out and go, eh.

No, the guy behind them's got a Kit Kat, and they're like well I'm just you know where do you end it in traffic if there's that position where you can let someone through I'm not letting everyone go I've been sound I'm going

it's a zip isn't it it's one and one and one and one I will never let that but when they let me I'm like you're lovely but I'm never that lovely if but when they let me, I'm like, you're lovely. Yeah. But I'm never that lovely. If someone turns around to me and goes, do you want to go first? I do go,

do you know what? Nice one. And in my head, I'm thinking, I'd have never done that for you. Checks out. You could literally go, lad,

I'm buying this milk, but my wife's literally giving birth right now and I'd be like, should have fucking planned this. Anita says, off the milk. Minor annoyance.

I don't know why he's buying milk on the way Anita says minor annoyance delivery drivers that don't do don't have their phone ready to take the picture when you answer the door

so you have to stand there posing with your parcel like a cunt for 20 seconds yes I hate that I just I'm a bit over all this, like,

I just think the signing thing's annoying. I live in a high rise building and they put my parcels in me Rens box, so I don't have to deal with that. Mr. Rowe, Mr. Rowe, another package has come for you, Mr. Rowe.

That guy. He works downstairs, doesn't he? You met Alan, yeah? Yeah, yeah, Alan.

I'm from Duffy as well. Yeah, that guy. He's a sound guy, that guy. Rich says people who add salt to their food

without even tasting it fuck off shut up Rich fuck off shut up everything because because right

do you know why if it doesn't need it for my taste my taste is salty I like a salty meal right sodium if

if there was already so much salt in it that it was to my taste, everyone else would be sending theirs back because it would be too salty for them. So I know mine needs salt otherwise the rest of the restaurant would be going, oh God! And sending it back. I remember you made noodles in front of me

once and you put salt and pepper on it and I went... I know exactly what you said. Can I say it? Yeah. He said, if I was trying to ruin your dinner for a laugh I wouldn't have put that much stuff in it fuck off I've not seen you

go super sodium I haven't seen you salt I do a good amount of salt Jack Finnegan puts more salt on than me he's the only person I've ever seen who does though do you pepper your nuggets

Jack looks like it though look at that man you should salt pepper your nuggets he looks like a man who loves salt peppering your nuggets is wild to me. Have you done it?

What's your condiment of choice? I like salt, but you know who's very liberal with the salt? It's the guy in the chippy. When you say you want salt and vinegar, it's like he's there for half an hour. They never put enough on for me. Really? And also, when they go, do you want salt and vinegar?

I say, no, I want vinegar and salt. Because... Vinegar first. Yeah, because if you put salt on and then I say, no, I want vinegar and salt. Because... Vinegar first. Yeah, because if you put salt on and then put vinegar on it, the vinegar washes the salt away. If you put the vinegar on first, the salt sticks to the vinegar. This is a lad who knows the chippy. But can I say this?

No, no, no, vinegar and salt. Can I just say this? At Maccy D's... Sorry. Mickey Duck Ducks. At Mickey Duck Ducks. McDonald's. Do you have a shortening for it in Middlesbrough? Maccy D's, I just said. Thank you! Just stop at Maccy D's. Sorry. Mickey Duck Ducks. Mickey Duck Ducks. McDonald's. Do you have a shortening for it in Middlesbrough?

Maccy D's, I just said. Thank you! Just stop at Maccy's? Yeah, fucking Maccy. At Maccy. At Mac's. They don't put enough salt on anymore. But then again, I think,

yeah, is that just, you ask for salt? It's for everyone's flavours. Yeah. You can add, you can't take away. And then you go, can I get some salt?'s flavours yeah you can add and then you go can I get some salt and they give you 58 sachets

like that of all of them I love that word you can throw them away sachet it's a lovely word that was a good one Steve T

cunts who pick up or correct how you pronounce things differently you're looking at me for you this is as well oh come on

we all do it. You've just said Micky D.D. Duck Ducks to him. Micky Duck Ducks that's not a mispronunciation

that's just him saying a stupid way. Or how he says things. No you correct people when they

mispronounce something. You are a right pedant. If I said Aphrodisiac you'd be like oh it's

Aphrodisiac. Yeah I make it correct. What's wrong with that? It's annoying is what he's saying.

So pedantic. It is annoying that though isn't it? And your little wrong with that? It's annoying. It's what he's saying. So pedantic. It is annoying, that though, innit? And your little grammar prick as well on the internet. Oh, your typo makes this all invalid. Shut up. I'm sorry for being right. Charlie says, when you need to flush a second time,

but you also then have to wait for the toilet to refill. Well done, Steve. And you've got to look at your shite. You don't want to look at your shit. When you press it and it goes... toilet to refill well done see and you can look at your shite you don't want to look at your shite

when you press it and it goes and you're like you're like come on it's like a simple pleasure is a power toilet

who has like three flushes in a row ready they're the heavy fellas I really want more power

on my toilet but it's not something your Japanese toilet seat can add just don't have enough I want a what oh you going to shift lush i just it's a bit like you're the new sister oh god do we me and carl i've got japanese toilet seats peter really that warm your bum and all that everything you can think of squirt your bum all dries dries it

dries it send your invoices for you. Those Japanese guys, they know what they're doing, don't they? Dan hasn't got one, you can tell. Sorry, sorry, just tried to kill us. Have you got a soft close,

Dan, though? Have you got a soft close? Oh, this has got soft close as well. Soft close? What the fuck is soft close? Where you can let the toilet seat drop and it doesn't... Where it just goes... What the fuck? You haven't got a soft close toilet seat? Yeah, what the fuck is soft close? Soft close toilet. Where you can let the toilet seat drop and it doesn't. Where it just goes.

What the fuck? You haven't got a soft close toilet seat. Yeah, what the fuck? Let me ring Laura. What? I want a soft close toilet seat. Our toilet seat's got a remote control. So you can just be like that and it goes. Whoa.

Yeah, it's just one of those that just, like, it just, it won't just. Yeah. Your toilet seat will just go. As a gentleman, it's very handy. Yeah. You know, to drop the toilet seat, you just can flick it and walk away. You're done.

I'm throwing it out there. Do you put the toilet seat up to have a piss? Yeah, I do. Do you put the toilet seat up to have a piss? It depends how good

I'm feeling with my aim. If it's in the morning, no, because I'm like, oh. Yeah, in the morning, like,

honestly, the ceiling's in danger. To be honest with you. But like, if I'm having a good cock day, you know when you've got, like, a bit of weight in your dick? Yeah. That's when my aim's at its best. Yeah.

So when I've got a... Like, I'm not erect, but I'm having a good cock day. Oh, yeah. Honestly, whatever state I find the toilet seat in, I can just... It doesn't matter. I always have that. You could honestly make it the size of, like, that,

and I'd nail it. Do you lean as you're finishing? Yeah. So you're pissing and you just go. You're leaning into it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like Michael Jackson. Oh my God.

That's what he was doing. You've been hit man. Yeah, Dan, our toilet's got a remote control. Shut up about your fucking toilet. How good's that? Konnichiwa. It's got a remote control. Tom Lees says,

little annoyances, bus drivers in general, miserable, annoying cunts. Yeah. I haven't dealt with one for years. Yeah. But back, yeah. They feel like they are part of national security bus drivers.

If they've driven three yards past the bus stop and you go, mate, can you let me on? Like, I can't, lad. Been lad. I'll find out and kill us all. It's fucking arseholes. That's the worry.

It's ISIS. Here's a £20 note. And, oh, he wants all my family to die. What is this? Contactless since you've been on the bus now. You've got change. Yeah, and I haven't been on the bus since contactless got brought in.

Rental. I genuinely haven't. It's a change, man. I drive past the bus I used to run for. That's tying 10 per one, Seth. rental I genuinely haven't I drive past the bus I used to run for as Tiny Temper once said I reckon he said that more than once with the amount of gigs he does

can I add one Dan if you were expecting Tiny Temper to be referenced in this show I'm impressed I think hotels that have

poor water pressure should be removed from the country. Bombed? Yeah, bombed. Don't the controlled explode?

Yeah. Like a shower that's just like a child drooling on you. Yeah. Can I add to that? Hotels that don't have plugs next to the bed

on either side. Also that. And a simple pleasure is when they do. Yeah. Hotels where you can't control the temperature in the room whatsoever.

It's like Arctic or volcanic. We literally just had one a couple of weeks ago in Leeds. Absol piece of shit yeah yeah yeah yeah i don't know how i've got used to that i don't have that in my house and that wasn't in a hotel if i don't have aircon in my house but in the hotel i was like what is this where are we yeah the hoxton where to rico the hoxton hotels for climate control are unparalleled. Yeah.

You can literally, like, it's like it can read your mind. Like, sometimes I'm like, I press it and it's like I whisper to it. There's no half degrees, but I just want it half a degree higher because one would be too much. And it's like, got you, bro. Yeah, it has. Do you know, Laura's going to London in a couple of weeks and she priced up the Hoxton and I told her to fuck off.

I'd expect it to be pretty good on temperature. She hasn't got my discount code, has she? Oh, another one. Hey, tell me after. I've got a discount code off someone who used to work there. Shut up. It's up to 40% off. That's why I get to use the Hoxton.

You absolutely. I wouldn't be able to afford the Hoxton every time. I go into the store, get 200 quid a night and pay in a 400 quid hotel you could get the bus there save money can I add to the hotels one when you get a double room

and it's just two single beds pushed together yes fuck them yeah fuck them yeah the hotel we

when we were away in Tenerife was incredibly hard to get the pressure down on the shower like if you turned it on yeah it was like pressure washing.

Oh, I liked that. Yeah, I liked that. I like it sometimes, but I want to be able to control it. I like the hurdy. But two single beds. Two single beds. Fuck off.

Not acceptable. No. Because you're falling in the gap. Yeah. And then you just end up sleeping on one and what's the point in having it then? No, please. And put 20 sockets everywhere.

I want to be able to put my phone in wherever I am. And hair dryers. Fuck off. I hate hotels. Hotel hair dryers is another one. I don't know what's happened.

I don't know what global conspiracy there's been amongst hotels where they've gone, right, look, obviously there's going to be some of us who are going to be five stars,

some will be four, some will be three, some will be two, and hello to the ones. But no matter who we are, let's all agree right now that none of us are ever going to have

a hairdryer that is capable of drying hair you haven't been to Venice have you? no you're not allowed to take hairdryers into hotels because the fire risk in Venice

is like a big issue because everything's so close the hairdryers in Venice it took me half an hour to dry my hair I'd just take my hairdryer in I'd just

I'd break the law I need my hairdryer venice burns down it wouldn't burn down nobody no but if it did yeah he'd be like what hair time have you got what can i do it's to do with like the voltage and stuff they just want to control all the yeah it's a conspiracy they're just lying out also if it starts to fight there's water everywhere put it out pathetic i think it's just it's a fight, there's water everywhere. Put it out. Pathetic. I think it's just that it spreads very quick as everything's close together. Oh yeah, cool.

That was the, you know, that's true. Right. Hotel rooms are shit. I think that's true. That's the takeaway. I love it though. Who's sealing the showers? The shower always leaks.

You know, you see that sort of puddle appearing on the floor where you're about to step out to in a moment. All that mucky. Little fucking shitty shower curtain with a gap down the middle of it. Yeah. Fuck off. sort of puddle appearing on the floor where you're about to step out to in a moment. All that mucky... Little fucking shitty chalice with a gap down the middle of it. Yeah.

Fuck off. And the fucking ironing board, that stinks of shit and it's like foam and it fucking... I also don't like how tight they make the bed. Oh yeah, can we just say that? Every hotel in the world, just buy some duvets.

Just buy an actual quilt that isn't tucked into the bed with an actual quilt cover on it like with buttons on the bottom instead of it just because they're all like butties do you know what i mean though like hotel bed sheets like butties it's got like the sheet and the quilt and then another sheet but none of them are connected to each other yeah it's just like a sandwich i don't want to sleep in a sandwich. Also, while we're here, normal size pillows, please. Because the long, thin ones, trying to look fancy,

don't work. And the huge, massive ones are too big. Just because normal pillows that humans use. What about the decoration pillows that are on the bed? Fuck them.

You just chuck them on the floor. I like them. I like a bit of pizzazz. I'm not going to lie to you. I like a bit of pizzazz. When I walk to lie to you I like a bit of pizzazz when I walk in and the hotel looks like they've made an effie

I don't mind that as long as under that is a functional pillow my biggest simple pleasure in a hotel room is when they've got spare pillows in the wardrobe

yeah fucking love that what? marty pillow very good my marty pillow is in the wardrobe what a hotel

how many times has that happened to you? never I have walked in and there's been pictures Very good. My Marty Pella was in the wardrobe. What a hotel this is. How many times has that happened to you? Never. I have walked in and there's been pictures of Les Dennis on the bed though, hasn't there, Adam? Yeah. That isn't even a joke, Pete. That's just totally true. Really?

Yeah. Explain. Adam can. It's less of a magic trick, more of a commitment to printing. Okay. I just, Carl was my tour manager last year.

Right. And every time we had our own hotel room and we went and shared them one, I would just request that in his room there was a picture of Les Dennis on the bed. And I would always say we've booked, I've booked me mate tickets for his birthday to go to an audience with Les Dennis

and this is how I'm going to tell him. Can you just print a picture of Les Dennis and put it on the bed? Every now and again, you might like have a good night or like enjoy Les. Wasn't one Gary Barlow one of them as well? I'm sure.

I'm sure. I did mix it up a couple of times brilliant I was walking next to you I'm overdoing Les let's give Gary a run out shall we do some

other words you know that's why we named the podcast isn't it been great having you Pete nice to

nice to see you guys thanks for having me this is from Tommy Dorsey I'm not just pausing There's music going on I know it looks mental It'd take a while to read

Jingle Tommy Dorsey says Karaoke scrap Hi Lids Have a word with my mate Adam He set his house on fire By accidentally putting The cardboard bottom

On his frozen pizza Into the oven We went to this karaoke bar And jokingly Put him down to sing we didn't start the fire by billy joel when his name was announced he didn't take it well and ended up having a soft scrap with one of our mates tell him to give his head a shake and that he's a daft cunt who can't cook a pizza yeah that's from tommy dorsey if any of like that is such gentle banter it's great as well. It's only funny.

Yeah. If you can't take that, have you got a group of mates, Pete, that you have known like most of your life? Yeah, yeah. And it's like really harsh banter and stuff. Of course it is. Yeah, yeah, of course it is. Are they the boys from Millsborough?

If you make such a joke, I'm fine. It never is the end of it. Sign up for karaoke. I'll be sending fire engines to his house every five minutes. Every five? I'm a Venetian hair dryer. Yes. I'd be sending fire engines to his house every five minutes every five I'm a Venetian hair dryer yes

what? some stars on them that's not funny is it because Venice is near an open body of water and we don't laugh about that yeah just does he need to be her mate?

is he up to it? is he he'd be in the bit he wouldn't last like he would not have lasted with our school group. No, he'd get bastard. At all. What's your karaoke song, Pete? Sorry? What's your karaoke song? Oh, I would stay

well away from that. Why, are you a performer? You're not into it now? No, no, no, not into that at all. Do you enjoy it though? No. Not even like a private one with your friend just in a room? No, idea of hell. Just pub and a pie, please. That's my idea of heaven.

I'm just a northern lad who does magic around the world. Exactly. Except in America. I'm just a classic borough boy. Just a pint and a pie, international travel, and fame from magic. Apart from in America, they're gobshite. Okay, then go to pie.

Go to pie. Well, I'm a meat eater, but I am partial to a cheese and onion pie. Short crust pastry, lashings of gravy. I hope that sort of... A steak pie is just the pie goat. It's so...

Steak pie. Yeah. You can't fuck with a steak pie when it comes to pies. You like the kidney, don't you? Steak and kidney. Steak, kidney, liver. Tongue. Tongue pie. Tongue pie. That's what you kidney, don't you? Steak and kidney. Steak, kidney, liver. Tongue. Tongue pie?

Tongue pie. That's what you might have called it. Dan's a fussy eater. Dan's never had an egg. Have you had a pie? You know what? I know Dan's a fussy eater because in Edinburgh,

when we went for food, I took you to a Chinese buffet. Do you remember this? Near the station. Near the station. Why? And I could tell that you just

were not into this at all where's the turkey dinosaurs exactly and you and it was like where's the turkey dinosaurs nachos mate they were Chinese

turkey dinosaurs it was 15 quid all you could eat so I was like tucking in and Dan's like got virtually nothing on his plate

and I just thought god this was clearly a bad option for him yeah buffets are not your child do you like the carveny you paid for that thank you mate did I yeah you were very generous And I just thought, God, this was clearly a bad option for him. Yeah, buffets are not your... Child. Do you like the carverie? You paid for that. Thank you, mate.

Did I? Yeah, you were very generous. Carly had his first roast in here with us at Christmas. Oh, shit, you don't like carveries, do you? You're mad, you... He tried gammon, and it was like someone had, like, given him a new lease of life.

He's like, I'm going to have some more gammon. He's never had an egg. Do you know, I had a gammon Sunday roast. I've had more gammon this year. gammon Sunday roast. I've had more gammon this year. I thought when it was being cooked the lamb was a bit pink.

The lamb's a bit pink in it. That's the gammon that does. Dan can count on one hand how many gammons he's eaten. That's wild. Imagine if I said to you for a billion pounds you've got to

accurately tell me how many times you've ate gamin I'd be dead I'm a dead I'm a dead I'm a killer you're killing me

as the other one gets shot there was no jeopardy it's just you don't win the money I killed myself rather than even try and answer that

apple pie anyone oh cherry pie pies have you had a pie if you put fruit in them have you had a have you had a savory pie in your life you like steak no yeah let him answer it go on you had a savory pie in your life no you've had a chippy a chippy pie? A chippy pie? A steak and kidney pie from Chippy? I've had other pies. Salted caramel and apple. Banoffee. But you like steak?

Yeah, but I like steak where I can see it. Don't like it hiding. On a plate. Fucking potty. You're going to have to see them. What's happening with the pie?

I don't know. What's in there with the steak? What kind of pie is this? Gravy and all the bits of... Oh, in a pie? Well, I thought you put gravy on a pie. Is the gravy in a pie? It can be in as well, yeah, yeah.

Fuck off, gravy. Too much gravy, that. I don't trust gravy. Why does it need to be in and out? You would jizz your pants if you had a steak pie. All right, cool. We'll do it. And it's so

unoffensive like there's nothing in it that you could possibly not like can I have hot sauce and onion rings with it yeah and you can have

whatever you want you can have that with anything right you can have a gazebo a deja vu whatever you want well that is a

niche one well done sir two pints, innit? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was a... Do you know what? And I would have missed it, but it was the deja vu was too creative in the moment.

I was like, oh, that's a turn of phrase. Am I having deja vu? You can have whatever you... That's a niche one. All right, I'll have a pie. You'll genuinely... It's not even like a risky one. This, I'll have a pie. Peter's never had an egg. It's not even like a risky one. A bean?

An egg? He's never had these things? This is my Japanese toilet. I have had egg. I knew you were picky. I didn't know you were that picky. Twice. He's had egg twice.

One of them was with us and we made him eat it. What kind of egg? How was it done? It doesn't matter, does it? It does. It's all fucking... Was it runny?

Was it hard? Oh, it can't be runny scrambled i tried scrambled you'd like you'd like this is my japanese the texture is weird if you've never had that poached poached is the best all right i'll have egg pie what about quiche you could sort of combine pie and egg i'd have to try quiche famously but yeah i haven't had quiche it's a world of discovery left you know I've got seven years

left to live it's going to be exciting so I can't wait to give you a pie I honestly can't wait for it tongue pie

you're going to be like what have I been doing all my life in the morning can we mush it all up and make an omelette that would be spectacular a bubble and squeak

from a steak pie. Yeah. I'd love that to react after eating a pie. What? He's never had a... Have you had a pasty? No. What's a pasty?

What? What? No. What's in a pasty? You might have sausage roll. Have you had a sausage roll? No. What?

Have you had a sauce of dro? No. What? Have you had pastry? That's the end of the podcast today. This is ridiculous, Sam. I know. And it is. It is. I'm sorry. Sorry to offend you.

Have you ever had a hot dog? no oh god what a sad little life you've lived you've not enjoyed all the good things I've enjoyed some of the good things just not some of these you've never had a hot dog?

you've never had a pasty of any kind? How good pasties are? Is it cheese pasties? Yeah. Yes. I'd have a cheese pasty. They're so good. It's cheese and onion.

I'm not having onion. What do you mean? Horrible. What? I've never had an onion. What? Basically, he has chips for tea

every night. Yeah. Ask him what he has on Christmas Day. What's your Christmas dinner? Gammon. No. No? your Christmas dinner? Gammon, now. No.

Before I made you gammon, which you didn't have on Christmas Day, by the way. You had it the week before. Yeah. What do you have every Christmas

as your Christmas dinner while your entire family has their Christmas dinner? I make my own nachos. But they're Christmassy nachos. You know why? Because I do them on Christmas Day.

Apart from that, it's just the same it's nice flabbergasted Pete's on tour so am I don't go and see him oh please do

doesn't deserve it we're getting close to 10,000 tickets I need that pie money you know what I mean woo be snorting fucking bastards

if you're going anywhere near the Edinburgh Festival I'm going to be up there go and see Adam's show in Edinburgh if you come and see me on tour don't bother it's the same show

you know what I mean don't come twice because then you'll be sat there and you'll be enjoying it but you won't be laughing and it'll do my head in top market in there don't come

appreciate it Pete love your work thank you thanks for having me Pete Fairman look at the UK love you guys. Trick talk.

See you soon. Song, song, no song. Oh, God. He's got a song. Oh, yeah. It's Tiny Temper. Pass out. Pass out.

Banger. Can we just play it? No. No. This week is a band called Korova. K-O-R-O-V-A. They supported me at Jimmy's. It's their new single.

Hey, they were good. What's the song called Away Away Home and How We together that's not how

that program the name of that program is not pronounced like that it's never had a hot dog oh wait I'm going to Greg's now I'm getting you a pasty

we'll be right back I'm getting your opacity. I'm going home. Love you, bud. Back on my mouth, time every day, never awake Every day, never away Tongue inside, out of time Every day, never away She's back on my mind, out of time Every day, never away Away Away Away Away, away, away, away Horses and I are spending miles every day, never away

How I try tried all the time Every day Never away She's back on my mind All the time Every day Never away Away

Away Away Away Away, away, away Cynhyrchu'r ffordd y byddwn ni'n ei wneud. The room splits from both sides The plot dripped from both eyes The venom spits the last line The truth hides in plain sight The room splits from both sides The bound lips come untied The phantom spits the last line

The dark holds for the last time The room's split from both sides The clock chips from both sides The phantom splits the last line The truth hides in plain sight The clock slips from both sides The round lips come untied The phantom's the last line

The dark Rose for the last time you you