Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #237 with Barry Dodds & Freddy Quinne - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: August 13, 2023

Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan's Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.ukComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, Sensei Carl's Big Fat Quiz and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsListen to Finn's EP 'Do You Know?': https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: WORD20Android Homme | https://androidhomme.co.ukGet 20% off site wide with the promo code 'WORD20' at checkoutCalm | https://calm.com/wordGet 40% off a Calm Premium Subscription with unlimited access to Calm’s entire libraryManscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20BetterHelp | https://betterhelp.com/word10Get 10% off your first month!NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Become one of the lids:https://patreon.com/haveawordpodTickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comFind us everywhere:https://haveaword.pageDiscord:https://discord.gg/haveawordpodFollow the podcast, our hosts and our guest on social media:Have A Wordhttps://facebook.com/haveawordpodhttps://twitter.com/haveawordpodhttps://instagram.com/haveawordpodAdam Rowehttps://facebook.com/adamrowecomedianhttps://twitter.com/adamrowecomedyhttps://instagram.com/adamrowecomedianDan Nightingalehttps://facebook.com/danhasapodcasthttps://twitter.com/danhasapodcasthttps://instagram.com/danhasapodcastBarry Doddshttps://twitter.com/barry_doddshttps://instagram.com/barry_dodds_comedyFreddy Quinnehttps://twitter.com/freddyquinnehttps://instagram.com/freddyquinneADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to this week's episode of the Have A Weird Podcast, ladies and gentlemen. My name's Adam Rowe, and that's Dan, aren't you? Yeah, I am. Dan Nightingale. This is our podcast. It is. We're both going on tour separately, starting in... You start in August, I start in September. Going all over the gaff. Tickets for my tour at adamrowe.co.uk and tickets for Dan's tour at... DanNightingale.com

Ahead of that, you've got some previews coming up, danspreviews.com. Yeah, very few tickets left, but tickets are selling out for both these tours. Get them now to avoid disappointment. And of course, if you're a long-time listener of Have A Word, you will know that we have got one of the biggest and best Patreons on the planet and the biggest in the United Kingdom.

£23,000 and counting. Starting from just £3 a month, you get an absolute belt of a deal from us. Not only do you get early access to these public episodes, but you get an extra episode every single week, which is where we save our naughtiest humour for. And on top of that, every single month, you get a special.

You get a brand new special every single month. Back catalogue included. Legendary. The Nashville special was huge. We went to Amsterdam. We've done two ghost hunts. We've taken over a restaurant. And there's loads more on top of that.

I think we're up to something like 20 plus Patreon specials. And then the famous lock-ins when we get hammered in here with our mates. Some of the best podcasting we've ever done. Patreon.com slash have a word pod. Sign up for just three quid a month. You do get more benefits the more you sign up for, but everyone gets all of the content that we put on there.

And on top of that, you get early access to tickets for our shows, for the podcast live shows. And sometimes we do small events and they sell out immediately on Patreon. So if you want to be in the room for those, you've got to be a Patreon. Patreon.com slash have a word pod. Sign up now and enjoy this episode.

We've already recorded it. It's going to be a belter. Belter. Wag wag leads. You're listening to the funniest podcast in the game from the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only

Have A Word. Brought to you by Manscaped, the very best products on the market for below the waist grooming. Go Ed, get on me. Barry fucking Dodds mate. Dan fucking Nightingale. Adam's away at the Edinburgh

Festival. He's just trying to make it in this industry. It's tough, man. And he just needs a break. But I think Channel 5 are all over him. He's hustling, isn't he? Oh, he's just... He's flyering every day for four hours. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So while he's away, we've got my old fucking bezo in comedy, Barry Dodds. Thank you very much for having me. Hello, everyone. It's a genuine pleasure to be because the last time I sat in this seat was January. I feel I think Adam was in New York. No. I was in the old studio. Yeah it was. Yeah it was. That was in the old studio. I was in sorry I was in. Oh yeah Adam was in New Yorkork january last 2022 2022 yeah oh that fateful trip to new york

content i'll tell you what heartache and content that was what that holiday came back and i was like right get in a dungeon go and sit in there on your own with a camera for five minutes my favorite special by the way oh that is my favorite boston too is my favorite special do you know i i sent him a message um i left him a voicemail after i watched uh juicy and because i didn't i knew something had happened because you know it got mentioned he was obviously a bit down but i didn't know the extent of it he did a sterling job of keeping that together what you didn't remarkably i mean he's he showed you could tell and i think like people who listen to the pod properly sort of could piece it together if you go back and watch the ghost hunt 2 on our patreon barry sets all the ghost hunts up and

they're some of our the very first out of studio patron special was the ghost hunt and then the ghost hunt 2 you could tell and you can him back but i remember being there going like i acted the twat a little bit more than usual because i was like he's is this he isn't right you could tell and he was he like he was there but he wasn't there yeah and then we did something bad to him oh yeah but but i didn't because i didn't know the extent of it and then of course i watched juicy and i was like oh hang on then he came course, I watched Juicy, and I was like, oh, hang on. Then he came and went into the castle, and I left him a voiceover just saying, look, I'm really sorry if I was dismissive of you.

It wasn't your job. Having a hard time. I still feel bad about that bit where I'm winding you up about the thing falling down the hall. No, it was all fire. If you haven't watched it as a Patreon or as a non-Patreon, go and watch Ghost Hunt 2. that bit where I'm winding you up about the thing falling down the hole. No, it was all fire. There's such a good, if you haven't watched it as a patron or as a non-patron, go and watch Ghost on 2.

It's my favourite. I mean, our patron is getting so ridiculous now that if you are into the pod and you're like, I just don't, there's so much on there now. Is there like 20? 20 odd specials. With the **** that's going on, I think it's up to 26, is it? It's not ****, Dan. With the, bleep that.

I'll bleep that. We didn't say that. With the Master Bakers... With Fake It Till You Bake It, which I can't believe I didn't float initially. Oh, that's great. With Master Bakers, I don't know why, what did I say before? Something offensive. I don't know.

I think it's up to like 26 specials. And The Ghost hunt is so watchable i have a little bone to pick with you about that yes i have a tattoo on my bottom of a dead piglet that i sent to its maker i didn't i sort of drowned it in poop um we did a christmas live show a while ago and in honor of runty yeah one of my sort of most famous stories on pod i thought it was going to be a shout out chong ching um tattoo so in the moment quite a lot of relief that it is just r.i.p runty oh wow um now when we were there at Chillingham Castle Barry's second home because he loves ghost nonsense

we you were like I'm going to do the impression there's a lake there's a haunted lake I couldn't go anywhere near it without the ectoplasm

the pond scum the tadpoles the ghosty tadpoles right and uh i couldn't give a shit about any of this stuff and i was like i'll dip my naked bollocks into that lake knowing i would have done probably done this anyway and we made a bet that you would if i dip my naked tiny tiny little nads into that lake at midnight that you would get a tattoo on your bottom in the same place. I think we agreed on... What was the...

Flockmaster nuts. Was there like logs? Logs somewhere. Logs 50p or something, but we decided on Flockmaster nuts. Flockmaster nuts. I would like it to be DJ Flockmaster nuts. Yeah, shit, DJ, yeah.

Because the bag that all the logs were in for the fire, it was called Flockmaster Nuts because it's cheap feed. Baz, you owe me an anal tattoo. I do owe you a tattoo. Don't worry. I've not forgotten. Have you not? No, plenty of your fans remind me on a regular basis.

Oh, well, let's keep that a lie. Where's your fucking tattoo la i get i get that a lot and you know what i was gonna genuinely i was gonna have it done i was gonna have it done at the arena show but the timing just didn't work out because i mean it was one of the maddest shows we've ever done and in my head i was like it could be done that we could do a tattoo at the back of the stage just occasionally maybe even have you read out a have a word while wincing through well Dean works

on me arse yeah as a tattoo I don't know what sound effect I don't know what buttons yeah it was on my leg there yeah it didn't work out you know because five came on and we were all absolutely shit-faced five were already confused at the arena you could see them like i don't know what this is they were chuffed i think they were genuinely happy yeah we liked them and

and who the fuck is flock master nuts we've worked in the music there would have been a level confusion as three of the band five wandered on past a Geordie Man's naked white, I mean, honestly, painfully, like fucking far right white ass was getting DJ Flockmaster nuts. I mean, it's white, I'm just saying. It's just like on the Dulux colour code, you are like,

he's got some thoughts about immigration. Problematic white from Dulux. And I'm glad we didn't do it then but you do owe me one my daughter loves my bum tattoo i'm just throwing that out there every time she every time she's and it's not all the time but if ever i'm wandering to or from shower and she she clocks the little pig tattoo she i think she sort of forgets it's there and she's like, daddy's got a pig tattoo in his bottom. You can see in her face,

she's like, I know he's an idiot. Like the fun of the fact that I'm the person that's going to be raising him and be like, hey, these are the rules. But I also have a piglet tattoo on my bottom. I'm just throwing it out there. I got a little bit nervous there when you mentioned it, that Dean was going to appear from behind. I'm just throwing it out there. I got a little bit nervous there when you mentioned it

that Dean was going to appear from behind. I think what we should do is because we've got ideas for Ghost Hunter 3. Yes. Haven't we next year? Oh, have you?

All right. Obviously you're involved. All right, okay. I think we should get it done then. Well, maybe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We don't know any other ghosts. Imagine if we took another

ghost bummers. I've gone ghost nonce, you've gone ghost bummer. If a ghost tried to be sexual with you, would you just let it happen through the intrigue of the paranormal? If there was a ghost came out of the walls like, my husband died 40 years before me. When did she die?

What? And how? Why does that make a difference? She wasn't suffragette she got hit by a big cow yeah the famous cow yeah one of the lesser known suffragette yeah some of them went to stand in front of horses although like you know what those cunts are fast i'll protest the dairy industry and they didn't die fell into a silo because generally

ghosts tend to be like if you've seen like Sixth Sense and that you know the let me show you where my dad keeps the guns and it's the little boy and he turns around

to the camera yeah don't fuck them no I mean that's what I mean you don't want are there any naked ghosts yes there are

in well there's no ghosts? Yes, there are. Well, there's no ghosts, but are there stories of naked ghosts? You're one of the only ones that saw something. I've seen a ghost and I don't believe in it. Why does that work? Because I've said this last week, what I saw, people who believe in ghosts

would have said was a ghost, but because I don't believe i don't believe it was a ghost okay fair enough which is which is okay yeah i would do the same i'd find any any reason to label it anything but a ghost anything but a ghost so hang on what's your era for shagging a ghost i mean is there a time like anything before the 60s yeah like even with that like the 80s look eve Even... What? Big translucent bush? Big old 80s bush? Are there 80s ghosts?

What? People who died in the 80s, maybe? Yeah. I feel like ghosts are all, like, dead old. Hundreds of years ago. Minus. There's no fucking striking.

There's no, like, disco ghosts. The Briggsville riots. The fucking Toxteth riots. Any Gen Z ghosts? No, God. What's Gen Z? Oh, Barry. Do you know my favourite thing about having Barry on

is like compared to Adam, I'm like, what? Barry's like, eh, what's Gen Z? Is that a zombie game? It does sound like a zombie game. It's the sort of thing I would play an 80s ghost it has to be Geordie it's funnier

relax just do it who have we lost from the 80s George Michael he didn't die in the 80s though did he he died about 6 years ago didn't he sorry I was thinking it was big in the 80s George Michael right he didn't die in the 80s though did he he died about 6 years ago didn't he oh no

sorry I was thinking he was big in the 80s I love how you've gone for a gay guy as well if it's a ghost I'm bisexual when it comes to the afterlife

biggest people die in the 80s going for 1985 Ronald Reagan Orson Welles oh no he didn't die in the 80s Orson Welles

cool yeah yeah yeah big lad just type in 80s. Orson Welles. Cool, yeah, yeah, yeah. Big lad. Just type in 80s. Because I don't think that's going to be... Hamstrung yourself to a single year. I mean, literally tens of millions of people died, but we're going for the famous... John Lennon, there you go.

Mae West. Right. John Lennon. They're the only two people who died in the 80s. I'm trying to find a lady For Barry What? For the story Imagine

Ooh That's one of his songs Yeah, Naked Ghosts What? That's one of his songs I was just trying to say Imagine the situation I was number one

When I was born That's how old I am now What? Really? Yeah But I was only born Six weeks after you Yeah

I think it was Wait I think it was Shut up of your face That's confusing Really? Yeah. But I was only born six weeks after you. Yeah. I think it was... I think it was shut up of your face. That's confusing. What's the matter, you? I don't know, respect. Colonel Sanders died in the 80s. What, KFC? Yeah.

Oh, he'd be a bit handsy, though, wouldn't he? Come here. Like an old prospector. Oh, I think he... Carton siren. Come here. Were there any women who died in the 80s? Nobody of note.

Really offensive. Just suck off Colonel Sanders in the East Island. Grace Kelly. Oh, she's quite of note. Grace Kelly, yeah. Didn't she marry a monocle prince? Monocles? A monocle?

What is it? A demonocle. Yeah. What is it? From the Demonocle Republic. What is it? Monogask. is it from the demonic republic what is it mona what monagask shut up harry with your degree from the proper union sheffield monagask no demonican all right here's one for you this this is one of the questions that that that i'd like to i do a ghost podcast and now and again what's that called uh it's called is it bollocks where i'm trying to

find out if it's all bollocks or not i've listened to a few of them on your page yeah i listened to one with dan yeah yeah and one of the one of the questions oh yeah i've been on it he loves it but one of my favorite questions is is because everyone gets the same questions is what would you do if you were a ghost so what would you do you're a ghost you don't have to adhere to the laws of physics

or anything like that what would you get up to as a ghost are you allowed to go anywhere can you move stuff oh you can move stuff? Can you interrupt? Can you cup a breast?

Potentially. Okay, this is getting more interesting. All right, cool. I might haunt the David Lloyds. Oh, no. Oh, Dan. That's awful. In the 80s?

Then it's fine, isn't it? Whoa, like a bush. How about you, Carl? What? So you can move through things. How about you, Carl? What? So you can move through things and you can also touch them? Yeah. Wow. What would it do?

Just do people's heads in, in like shops. Yeah. It's just going fucking... I'd go to like John Lewis and just keep turning the tellies off when you turn them back on. Keep opening the till. You see, I'd go to places that you're not meant to go. Like, I'd love to go to Area 51.

Right. Have a mooch around there and, you know, just see things you're not meant to see, like government stuff. Some shit stuff, not just government stuff. So ghosts can travel... I'd love a look around the back of an Argos, for example. Right, yeah, same thing, innit?

Do you know what I mean? The Area 51 Argos. You can get some mad shit there. How is that in your head? I'd love to go somewhere I'm just not meant to be. Area 51,

see some mad shit or an Argos story. Wow, look at all this stuff. Have you not seen... In the Argos by Man, you can see the back of the Argos, it's all on, all this stuff. Have you not seen, in the Argos by Man, you can see the back of the Argos. It's all on like rails. You can see a little bit of it.

Oh yeah, but as a guy. Exactly. That's what they want you to see. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what,

what really goes on at the back of Argos? Just for the little pens, innit? Oh, they don't do that no more, do they? Touchscreen now, mate.

Don't work either. No. fuck Argos and they've upped the prices I told you this haven't I they're just they're we're literally talking about a dying

company because they've got stock now most shops don't have stock anymore you have to order online it comes in a couple of days because they hold stock they've upped their prices going if you want it today

you can pay an extra 20 I think they've prolonged their death with that we've talked about going in couriers before we're like oh this printer's nice they're like we haven't got it what do you think it today you can pay an extra 20 I think they've prolonged their death with that we've talked about going in couriers before we're like oh this printer's nice we haven't got it

what do you think it's here you fucking idiot really yeah yes it's pathetic yeah

it's a warehouse of lies yeah so Argos has got some stuff Jeff Bezos is not far away from going if you order that

you'll have it in an hour and then these shops are done. Fucked. Apart from CEX. No, because of Goths. That'll live forever. Why? CEX. Because fucking Goths like you

are like, I can get £7.50 for this game. Still has value. I don't know, I traded my games in when I was a kid and they fucking ripped you off. You go in like 40 games going, I'm going to get loaded.

We give you a £7 store credit. We'll add the plastics worth more in the fucking box. So we had game and game station like six stores down from each other.

And game station used to go, if you get a receipt from game, a penny more, they'll give you a quid more. A pound more. Yeah. So I used to go to game, get a receipt, go, oh, they'll give you a quid more yeah so i used to go to game get a receipt go oh i'm gonna trade these in and go you know what we're back in a bit i'll be back

in a bit don't worry i'll come back and i'll go to game station get an extra quid oh you clever little fucker that's how you bought your first house in it yeah what should have happened you should have played them off you should have said to game station you do this as well or game and then just being a millionaire you're right you're right i should have but you think it works out like in one afternoon when one kid's on 137 grand can you give me i know i've been out a lot it's a weak bladder can i just come back i'll be back in just one sec i know i've been doing this bag of receipts yeah hang on a minute sorry I know listen this is the 137,000th time

I've done this but I'm gonna be back in two minutes CEX is gonna live forever what a fucking statement it will

that not bulletproof glass because everyone wants to steal an iPod Nano from 2011 don't they thank god

the most unique smell in the world, CES. Goth sweat? What? It's a smell I've not... It's BO and cheap deodorant. No, it's teenage boys' bedrooms squared, isn't it? Because there's fucking two of them or three of them.

Plus goth. Plus desperation. Plus bargain hunting. Who do you reckon is the most likely out of us to get a job in CAX? Who do you reckon they'd go? Yeah, maybe. You. Carl.

You think? Me? I'm a famous goth hater. You'd see me coming. It's the beard. Wait, do you think I'm a goth? No, but you're the most goth. Matthew.

Oh, yeah, there's Matthew. Honestly. Only because of his knowledge of everything. Matthew, you could be king of the Goths. It'd be a Fortune 500 company. Hey! Hey! He's not here, but he's here in spirit.

No one else will survive. You, Finn, don't fucking throw around who'd work at CAAX. Wait, we just talked about the four of us. You're a young man. You could wear a sweaty hoodie. Yeah, that's what I was asking. Barry's a ghostman.

Yeah. Ghostman. Yeah. I think Barryry just worked there for free oh thank you for letting me the discount opportunity i just want to see you on the back stop pretending to be a ghost in the stock room i asked somebody there was somebody at a gig once who worked it was the cex manager and you know when you just think right fuck the gig off i'm more interested, there's stuff I want

to know. So I was like... On stage? Yeah. I bet everyone who paid 14 quid a ticket was dead happy about that. Yeah, fuck the gig off, let's learn about CEX. It just happened the other night when I met a postman. I said, can you... Right, how does second class post

work? You know, just things you want to... Just hold it longer, buddy. It's what? You just hold it longer, don't second class post work? You know, just things you want to, like, no one's ever... Just hold it longer, buddy. It's what? You just hold it longer, don't you? Do they? Yeah, they'd be like a priority power. But that sounds like, what, is it like the shit vans?

Is it the new postman? No, they just hold it longer. Like, they've got work experience. I don't know that, I've just answered it. Yeah, there's first class postmen and second class postmen. First class postmen are fast, they're really smart. and second class postman first class postman are fast they're really smart the second class postman are like stop posting it in a fucking drain anyway so i derailed the gig by asking about that and there was uh yeah somebody who worked in cex

so i was like what's the most money you've paid for something i said what's the weirdest thing you've ever bought and he said that they once bought in the lead store uh a roast dinner what someone came in with a roast dinner and said you buy anything he went yeah they went full roast dinner right how much did he pay i think he said he gave him like a quid 50 or something for it. So I don't know. That kid's making a lot of money then, isn't he? I think he nicked it from the carvery like it was two toes up.

Yeah. Carvery is all you can eat, isn't it? Bosh. Millionaire idea. Pow. How much is a carvery? About 11 quid. Yeah.

So 12 trips, you're in the money, mate. Yeah, that's true. That's fucking right. CE're in the money mate yeah that's true that's fucking right CEX will smell nicer so that's it are we going to cash out just just

just two minutes just two minutes I once sold CEX a broke Xbox sit on that fucking idiot don't they test it

yeah but for some reason it had a fault where like I now were into using it oh the red ring of death no it wasn't

red ring of death because it was a it was a newer Xbox I can now get into using it. Oh, the red ring of death. No, it wasn't red ring of death. Because it was a newer Xbox. It wasn't a 360. It was an old... What's the red ring of death? Oh, don't tell us. Everyone knows about that. It'll bring back sad memories.

You wrap your Xbox in towels and do the people's elbow on it. I was doing this in the bedroom next to you. Did you not know the fucking fire risk that your head was next to? Did you wrap it in towels and do the people's elbow? Yeah.

What's the red ring of death? It stops saying that. It stopped. There was a connection in the early Xbox 360s that when it heated up, the board would bend slightly and these important connectors would disconnect and then it'd flash up with this red ring. And that meant you couldn't play it.

Basically, you'd turn your Xbox on and it'd flash up red. You were not playing Xbox. If you wrapped it in towels and blocked the fans and everything like that it would yeah yeah yeah and lock the doors of your housemates room yeah yeah yeah yeah just shut the windows get a fucking petrol pipe in and just like having a spixy game wank nice that's where i would not be surprised if that's the shit you were up to but no the soldering would melt a bit and it would make a reconnection and it would work again but you have just got a time bomb

in your room and that was back when we lived together well I was on ketamine for a lot of that time so you'd have had to fucking drag me out are you allowed back on Xbox now? I've got a different account I've stolen my game of school oh no what Xbox now? I've got a different account.

I've stolen my gamer school. Oh, no. What was it? I'm guessing you're north of 100K. It was high. It was very high. Where does your gamer tag come from? Frank Magna.

Yeah. Max and Paddy's Road to Nowhere. Frank Magna and Tony Steele. Two rogue cops that come together. My friend Alex is Tony Steele. Two rogue cops that come together. Me friend Alex is Tony Steele. Because mine's after my mum. What? It's Poirot tits.

Yeah, it's Poirot tits. No, because in school, I was called Apron for a bit. Here we go. You're touched. Just because my mum just wore an apron. That was it. She just wore an apron. That's all she wore.

At all times? To like weddings and stuff pretty much oh really yeah yeah she just spills food down herself all the time and juice um so my where's the cards where's the cards you've got to have a yellow for that why oh he isn't here i've got to double it all um so your mom was my mom was called apron like some of the lads bought my mom an apron for christmas like good lads whoa that's what there's a line there i think there's there i think so the the lads that you were at school together with had a whip around before christmas and bought your mum an apron like a customized one

what was on it because it said they used to chant at me in school dinner oh no no not barbara that was you that time that was me they used to chant at me um barbara's in her apron barbara's in her apron so they got that on her an apron barbara's in her apron na na na na na so they got that on an apron Barbara's in her apron na na na na was she happy was it what a fucking weird group of friends

at 14 tell you what boys big fucking just in a haze of like gaming and wanking they're like I tell you what

we should do let's have a little fucking whip around for old Babs Poirot Barbie Barbie what's up Barbie show for Barbara found that out recently alright oh yeah whip around for old Babs Poirot. Barbie. Barbie? It's a Barbie show

for Barbara. Found that out recently. Alright. Oh yeah, because it was her daughter, wasn't it? Facts with Carl. Right, well,

CX, live forever. Did she wear the apron? Yeah. Oh yeah, yeah. Only that though. And nothing else. Yeah.

Only that. Do you know what else will live forever? W.H. Smith. Wilco gone this week, see that? Oh yeah, Wilco going. Wilco's gone. It's going, isn't it? It live forever? W.H. Smith. Wilco gone this week. See that? Oh, yeah. Wilco going.

Wilco's gone. It's going, isn't it? It's not gone yet. Administration. Oh, Lord. Yeah. I feel bad because I've been cutting corners with them. I used to buy loads of stuff from Wilco's

and I've just, like, sacked it off in favour of, like, you know, I used to spend at least a tenner a year in Wilco's on grass seed. Yeah, they've never recovered. Where are you getting your grass seed now? All it takes is a million of me, and then... It's 10 million. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So now I just don't... A million of you would be fucking amazing, wouldn't it? That'd be a lot. Let's invade the demonic republic. Where do you go then for your grass seed? Where do you go for your grass seed? Who's your dealer? Where do I go for my grass seed?

Well, I don't know what to say. I said it on mild. I think you probably can get away with it. Well, I decided to go the turf route because I just thought, I'm sick of spending a tenner a year on fucking grass seed for the patches. I'll just get some good turf.

Sorry, Benny, why couldn't you have said that? Right. I know. Cut it. Cut that. I'm not putting up with this shit. What, turf? We're really anti-turf.

No, you were acting like you couldn't say that. I should have said, like, there's like a big... Oh, no, no, no. I just mean because I've said it before. Oh, no, no, no. Don't be daft. What, turf? We're really anti-turf. No, you were acting like you couldn't say that. I should have said, like, there's like a big... Oh, no, no, no. I just mean because I've said it before. Oh, no, no, no. Don't be daft. Oh, yeah.

It's not too edgy for have a word. It's not like I'm a turf. Well, it's sort of. It's sort of a... JK Rowling. Oh, nice. Nice.

Say it for the name. It's a potential confession because I priced up turf and it was like 160 quid. I was like, fucking hell, that's for grass. So I spoke to my mate Jed in Snooker Club. I went, it's 160 quid for turf.

You know who? Jez. Jed. Jed. And I said... Jed Adair, I'm from Snooker Club. He said, I can sort you that for 50. So I was like brilliant yeah so then a transit van

arrived right with lots of turf but all in different like a jigsaw of a lawn right so did they also have like a kid slide like embedded into it and he just stole it off someone's house yeah a flag from a golf course headstone where had he been um over some park and he charged you 50 quid 50 oh he had to put a shift in it's hard you know digging up that amount of grass and you used it oh yeah yeah i'll show you a picture of my grass it's weird it looks a bit shit it's like all like yeah it's like a made jigsaw you can see the lines but it came with a seesaw so it's is that illegal because it's illegal to steal pebbles off the beach you know is it yeah it's legal to take stones off a beach what are you you talking about? Oh, here we go. Is this an open body of water thing?

No, it's illegal to take stones off a beach. You're making it more dangerous. There might be some sort of pebble slide. Googler? I am. What do you mean? Oh, yeah, it is. He's right.

My kids are going down then. They're going to a prismate. What are you in for? It's illegal to take stones off a beach, yeah? So careful. Watch yourself. Can you Google Brockstor Council grass theft and see if that's getting any...

This is all hypothetical, isn't it, buddy? This isn't... Yeah, it says death row. Oh, shit. Oh, by the way, you'll enjoy this, buddy. Harry, is there any movement? Not yet. i've got a

new feature planned coming uh in the near future um i'm gonna make a pen pal with a death row in me yeah um should we get someone i'm a bit worried about this that no we make a death row thing and they're like yeah they did kill 15 people so i've told harry it needs to be someone who's a friendly murder yeah yeah yeah it can't be like... One of them nice ones. Can I... What are the parameters for like a... I'm looking for a robber,

but they don't really go to death row, do they? You don't... So you don't want a murderer? Well, they all basically have to be murderers to go to death row. Right. But I want like a... Oh, I killed my husband

because he used to, you know, knock me about. You know. Yeah, but they don't end up on death row then, do they? They do. Depends how many husbands they killed. Yeah, that is true. Well, my husband was knocking me about,

so I just murdered the whole fucking cul-de-sacs. Every, every... Yeah. Seven husbands in a row. What the fucking... What are the odds? They're all bastards.

But yeah, I reckon it'd be fucking cool. I want to send them merch and hopefully go and see it happen. What? I'd go and watch. What? Say goodbye to a friend.

Imagine if he gets killed or she. Wearing a have a word hoodie. Yeah. I'd get a bespoke one made. Yeah, I'd just be pen pals with Barry when he goes down for all this lawn theft

that he's been doing. Not me. The patchwork thief. We had pen pals in primary school oh my god wait this is gonna it sounds made up with some child soldier no al-qaeda it was a ugandan pen pal oh my god i'll have the letters in my loft at home um we were just talking about like what we like to do yeah and you were like, I like, you know, Slimming World meetings, novelty apes.

He was like, I really love my machine gun. And just that first, you know, thrill of a kill. Because then, then they let us have a kickabout around the back. Like World War I.

Well done Mutumbu. Three bodies today. Do you want to go and play cricket for a bit? Yeah. Don't do the voice. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't use the gun as a bat again.

I've learnt the hard way with that. That's how you kill wicket keepers. Go on. That was it. What would you like to do? Are you a Ugandan pen pal? We all did in primary school. What are you on about? Why Uganda? I have no idea.

What did he say he liked? He liked... Your parents' bank details. I have 10 million dollars. I have a pen pal. Yeah, I need your... Do you know what a social security number is? Oh, that's such a funny story.

What's your mother's maiden name? Not even beating around the bush. Did you ever send them anything? I don't think so. We did Operation Christmas Child. Yeah. Yeah. Everyone did that though, didn't they?

What? Operation Christmas Child? Yeah. Shoebox appeal? Shoebox. Jesus Christ. I haven't even lived. I didn't know about the hot ring of

death on playstation no it's not a thing in school operation why christmas child so you'd get a shoe box like a night shoe box you'd fill it with like a toothbrush and a yo-yo is what we used to put in to really mug off ugandan kids were like fuck me nikes oh's a box of tat. It's a box of yo-yo. Nice. And then you'd wrap it in Christmas wrapping paper and then you'd give it into the school and they'd send it off to Africa. Yeah, I did this.

Yeah, loads every Christmas. Like you put non-perishable food in there so it was okay when it got there. Oh, of course, yeah. Some kind of toy. Tin of tuna, a yo-yo, something from a Happy Meal. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you would just fill it with shit.

Yeah, you're saying, like, did you not do that? And then you'd get... I just sent ammunition. You'd get a picture months later, or we did, and they put them up on the wall of the kids with our shoeboxes. Looking back, it's quite weird, isn't it? No, I mean, it's a nice gesture, isn't it? Slightly patronising.

Yeah, that's what I mean. But that's the whole thing with Live Aid now isn't it that it got they tried to redo it because it's basically the high point of bob geldof's career and it's mature it's comic relief to the thing yeah yeah is it yeah but it's much it's much more uk based now in terms of what they're helping it's a well part of first where's this gone bloody africa yeah that of what they're helping we need to help our own first that kind of shit where's this going bloody Africa yeah that's what they did

they went really gammon with it these shoeboxes are good shoeboxes this is a British yo-yo yes it's made in Taiwan

but it was paid for with British money let's keep British yo-yos in Britain I used to love comic relief

stay up till 1am see how much it made it was always like 50 mil people were like oh cool yeah I used to love comic relief. Stay up till 1am, see how much they made. It was always like 50 mil. People were like, oh, cool. Yeah, I used to like watching it for all the,

like watching all the sketches. I just remember Billy Connolly getting his dick out and then someone being a knob about it being like, was it called out? You're like, fuck off, mate.

You get your dick out on TV. Vic and Bob got in a load of trouble for that. And the last one they did because they were like, oh, it's inappropriate humour because they were wearing kilts doing a couple of characters and vick's got his legs apart and making lots of references to what might be his kill and it got lots of complaints about is this appropriate yeah

i bet the ricky gervais one that's quite famous would get cancelled now there's no way that i get now but they're just doing it from a tv studio with a it's dead there's so many layers to that if you watch it like when jamie oliver turns up yeah and if you notice he's eating um the the bag he's got it's mcdonald's bag so he's eating fast food the whole thing is that everyone on tv is just bullshitting to appear worthy and then bob geldof turns up going got a new single any chance you can it's it's such a good sketch it was a proper tv moment back then like i used to wait for like saturday night my comic reliefs on it beyond from like six till one event television and it was all like remember it was always around my birthday as well

really yeah it's it's always like my birthday is march 15 Really? Yeah, it's always like, my birthday is March 15th. It's always like about the 12th, 13th. So red nose day at school would usually be like uniform free and that's fallen on my birthday before. Don't we see the red noses anymore? Every fucker had them. Yeah. They've got such a distinctive smell as well.

I reckon if you blindfolded me and put a red nose on me, I'd know what it was. Get a blindfold. Red noses and C-E-X, two of the most distinct smells. I used to fucking love it. It used to be boss. Was that when Ali G did David? Yeah, David Beckham.

Can we do something for charity soon? I'd like to do something. I feel like it would be a good shout. It's been a while since we did the single. Like a special or? We just, I think we just, let's do do something let's do a bit of a fundraiser we don't have to do comic relief obviously you know because of my jokes about Ugandan

child soldiers I don't know if it's appropriate but we've got our charities haven't we and we've kind of said I think it's time if you've got any suggestions give us a shout I think it's time we did something how can we raise some money? All right, let's have a break.

Back with some correspondence. And we are back. My tour of Dan Nightingale's special starts on Thursday the 31st of August in Chester, runs all the way through to November the 22nd. There's about 12 shows sold out now. So go on dannightingale.com. If you're like umming and ahhing and thinking i'll get them later shows are now selling out it will be amazing to see you thanks to everyone who's come to the previews i'm having a lot of

sweaty fucking fun and i'm really looking forward to the tour bar Barry, you've got a podcast. I have. Give it a little plug along. I do a podcast called The Worriers with stand-up comic Hayley Ellis. And it is where basically two people who fret and overthink were both diagnosed obsessive-compulsive disorder. And that's the idea, that it's just overthinking and worrying it's sort of you know you start with the premise and then it sort of just becomes what it is naturally it's sort of sort of me and her snarking at each other and it's brilliant your best mate who works really well yeah it's um it's good fun too you're monetizing you being a massive fanny and that's smart i think

it's really smart play to your fucking strengths you have a pg in and that's smart i think it's really smart play to your fucking strengths you have a patreon don't you buddy uh yeah it's got a patreon we put lots of stuff on there we did a we did a thing to try and cue me of stage fright which um i mean you can be the judge of whether that's worked or not but it was i had to go and do beat the frog with um material that was written i had an hour to write a five minute set picking things suggestions out of a hat we had to try and recreate my first ever gig for me so we had a bucket of suggestions that people had sent in i'd pick five things out then write a five minute set based out. And it was stuff like the benefits of child circumcision.

Fucking hell, write that one. And then like wind turbines. And then I had to write five minutes on it and use my coaching that I'd had from these theatre experts

to not be nervous on stage. And it's... I was circumcised at seven. Were you? Yeah, on your your patreon do you not remember there's a big one there's a big one that really sold seven years old no you don't want to go any older than that are you um are you a snippet no are you still wild bagging bagging wow brown bagging are you brown bagging i am yeah are you brown bagging

have i got any fucking brethren here has anyone had the dick snipped no it's not a normal thing in our culture wild you've got the little cyril sneer fucking yeah it keeps it keeps me bell and warm

it was a medical thing too big oh yeah yeah yeah famously that was my thing that's where it all went wrong I had that operation

where they shaved all my pubes off when I was a teenager yeah that's not an operation is it that's not an operation, is it? That's not an operation. On the NHS, we just want him nice and smooth. What operation's that, Paddy? I had three balls. And they...

So you just shaved it to have a look? Well, yeah, because what happened was, because my mate was a couple of years older than me and he had a couple of brothers who were a little bit younger and we were, like, sleeping in the tent one night and he was like, I'm the biggest man of all of us. I've got, like, ten pubes. And they were like, oh, you've got two pubes.

I was like, fuck yous all, I've got three balls, right? And my mam was outside the tent. And she went, what do you mean three balls? And I was like, forget it. And she was, no, doctors. And it was... Hang on, hang on. Your mam who raised you and changed your nappy

through a lot of your early infancy... It had grown. Oh, this is hurting me. So there was... What, a late third testicle? Yeah, it was like underformed thing. Undescended, isn't it? It's what, sorry?

Isn't it called undescended? Oh, no, that's when it's still inside you. I think it's called a tumour. Go on. Well, that was the worry. So they took me into hospital and said, we've got to take this out. Barry's still got it right next to his PlayStation.

But when I woke up, the worst thing was that I shaved my pubes. So I was like from top of the table to the bottom. In the pube Premier League? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, that's shit, isn't it? Rubbish. Yeah, did you keep them though? The pubes?

Yeah. They didn't tell me they were going to do it. I just woke up and what a shock. Why did they do that if it was your balls? Because they went in through the... You've got pubes on your balls? They went in... No, but I think he said...

I think you were implying they were shaving your mons. Yeah, but it looks better on the pictures, doesn't it? Right, okay. Do you know what I mean? That isn't your bellend for reason. Yeah, it's really cold. What do you mean? It's like a little hat, isn't it?

For your bellend. It is, just, yeah. here's my question though for the um for the little moleskin knob ends you've got a thicker skin than us by the way you know that right yeah yours has to develop a thick skin to be able to like oh it's hardened yeah yeah like a sower's thumb yeah. It's the size of a thimble. So, genuinely, I've always had a problem with as soon as I'm having sex, I get in there and I'm like,

when I was younger and recently, I can't last very long. But that's the opposite of what should happen, isn't it? But my worry is that if I hadn't have had it done and I'd got my little boner on and

then it came out of its little like you know snug like hello geordie dick as well hello it would be so i'd last 0.3 seconds at every bit of penetrative sex so i'm glad it happened but i'm still still not got great control i've been with my wife nearly 10 years if we have sex i have to like i'm not lasting ages i have to go i have to like yeah that's normal to you switch positions don't you sometimes you go to south a hundred percent i can give it the good lord's you know work for a little bit and then laura starts going oh keep going like that and as soon as i know she's into it i'm like well now i have to stop yeah so we have to test so i'm not like like slow technique because if i give her the thunder if i give her the full if i give her the full white hammer she's

gonna she doesn't want that an extra eight seconds they like it i think my what and i mean this respectfully loves it being slapped into her. I'm not joking. Oh no, Lord, I'm so sorry you had to hear that. Public. I think she wants the full white hammer. Not all the time. No, not, I'm not new to this game. I get in, little bit of kiss, you know?

Little bit of kiss. I give a little bit of kiss on the face. And then she's like, that's enough of that. I give a little kiss on the neck. Oh shit, what's Sam doing? Oh, I'm covering them titties. Oh nice. Making them most of them while I'm still here. Cover them titties.

Give a little inner thigh grab like pow. Oh shit. I pin it down. I get the big piece of chicken. I get the goddamn squeeze. Oh, what am I doing? I'm working my magic. chicken I get the goddamn squeeze what am I doing I'm working my magic you're feeling the flavour I'm using lube

because we've been together ten years and then you're ready and then it's all gently gently and then the thunder you know

like any storm the clouds come over before the storm it only happens when it's raining there's a little bit of drizzle and then you say I'm from Gates all you need is permission and a handful of spit calm before the storm. It only happens when it's raining. There's a little bit of drizzle and then... See, I'm from Gateshead.

All you need is permission and a handful of spit. Do some worries. Dan, what do you think of... I think you should take that show to Edinburgh. I'm so stupid. Permission and a handful of spit. My gated story. What do you think of to slow down the inevitable?

What? Do you not have any metal games to play? The Koran. No. Think of the Koran. I do, because I take my respect of the Muslim faith seriously, and it slows me down. That's haram as fuck, though.

Thank you. That is haram. Come on. I just pretend it's time to change positions but i i of course maybe you should go but you need to you need to have some like mind games think of something not nice or yeah couldn't the gang did a song called 50 things to think about to stop you doing your beans yeah just like a list of things to go through in your head gail Platt's good. Yeah. Ooh, maybe. Is she in there? Yeah, yeah, she is actually.

Susan Boyle, Gail Platt. Yeah, Gail Platt. Gail Platt's twat. Leave it. The moustache of Simon Weston. Speaking of that, Barry, you don't have a soul patch?

This has been a little bit controversial. I'll be thinking about that when I'm trying not to. I think of your soul patch. Barry's soul patch. Is it... I thought I looked a bit like... You look like a bad boy. Yeah, thank you. That's the first time anyone's said anything positive about it.

Really looks like a bad boy. Yeah, I thought I looked like Hudson from Aliens. Yeah, that's exactly what i thought as well you look like a man who's too old to work in cex no because i'm very limited in what i can do facially because it doesn't grow here on the sides i can't do anything if i go for a goatee i look like david brent if i try and trim it down a little bit more i look like beppy and so if i take the top off and just leave the bottom bit i look garmish so i've sort of worked my way down to right just that little bit little freestyle poet yeah just because i've I'm from Gateshead all I need is permission and a handful of

space there's a cartoon that definitely was fucking ridiculous erm while this is going off shall we do a little bit

of underrated overrated yeah we like this section with a shovel bam ba-dum ba-dum bam combination of a little bit of Under 8 Over 8. Yeah. We like this section. With a shovel. Bam, ba-dum, ba-dum, bam. Combination of Adam's ADHD and his, I don't know if it's just, he just gets eggy with stuff, doesn't he?

But not today. I'd like to do a little bit of a speed round with this. I feel like it's been a little while since we've not to speed round in for a while. No, been about three weeks. Okay, Under 8 Over 8, it's Sam Mack. Ooh. been a while. Have we not to speed round in for a while? No, it's been about three weeks. Okay, under eight, over eight. It's Sam Mack. Oh.

Who's doing the breakfast show on Cunt FM. Sam Mack says, perfume on a bird. Done this last week. Okay. So fuck you, Sam Mack, and your non-deleted content. Are you ready?

I think we should do... Keep it in. I think... No, he actually meant on a bird of flight. Yeah, don't put Agatha Twilight on your pilot. You said it.

Do we? Oh, yeah. Come on. In the trailer. Yeah. Ready? I think we should do a speed round for these

yeah yeah Sam Mach written in I'm going to that was Jake Garrett I I'm going to trust in the fact that

you've deleted all of that why are you looking at me clean edit clean no I'm in the edits oh

that'll all be gone yeah you won't make me look a fool no no Isaiah Butterworth. I've now lost confidence that we haven't done all of these under my early onset dementia.

Yes. Isaiah Butterworth says, overrated, underrated. Annoys me when people do it the other way around. AirPods. Makes people look absolutely ridiculous. Nah. Underrated.

Overrated. As an owner of them, I'm going to go overrated, you owner of them i'm gonna go overrated you know no they're just solid no they're good your iphone knows it's connected as soon as you take them out you don't have to sell me on the fucking apple world you know me i'm an absolute apple tit i'll buy anything you sell but they're not worth the price for the quality of sound for free well that's definitely worth the price. Barry, you are giving off vibes of a man who still likes the wire.

I trust it. I know where to plug it in. And I can use it for, you know, asphyxia wanks. It's useful. No, I go, I get like the number. I go like for like the Anker brand. Anker's not bad. Anker's all right. JBL are good as well. Yeah, JBL are all right, yeah for like the Anker brand. Anker's not bad. Anker's alright. JBL are good as well.

Yeah, JBL are alright, yeah. Anker AirPods. I mean, I wouldn't use them. I like a bit of Kerrygold. I've got some Samsung ones. I've got some Samsung ones. No, I've got some Sony ones. Your little black ones.

Wow, they're very good. They're so much better than I expected to be better best for noise cancelling but i just think the airpods are just solid they use the same charger as your phone do you wank with your version of airpods in now the worry that's ballsy if you do the worry there is connection oh i'm never worried about Bluetooth. I do have problems because I sometimes use Twitter for dirty, dirty porn. If I just turn the phone off and like wander away, whenever I'm in the real world checking Twitter, that is my dirty Twitter's up.

And I've had that in moments where you're like, oh God, like on a train, I go, I'll just check Twitter and my feed is just- I would love to find that. So, so much. I changed the handle recently just for when it inevitably gets... Do you like stuff on Twitter? Ralph Wiggum.

I know you've got your butt marks on your laptop, but on Twitter, do you like the videos? Yeah, so then I've got... It's literally... Oh, you dirty pig. Have you got a picture? Oh, if there's a particularly good video, that's going in the likes.

Are you a grey egg? What? Like, have you got a picture of it, like a grey egg? Would it be worse if I used, for my wanking Twitter, actually put a picture up? No, it's worse if you're a grey egg, I think. Right, okay, I'll put a picture up. I've changed my handle to Jake Garrett.

I would honestly love to find that. Jake Garrett wanks. Matthew definitely has the power to find that in under five minutes. Well, why would he do that? Because he's a colleague and a friend. What's bookmarking? What's book, what? You can bookmark. You can just like it.

If you like it. But then everyone can see what you've liked. No. You can see what you like, not what you bookmark. But it's a different profile. I'm switching over. Oh, right. Okay, right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not doing that thing'm switching over. Oh, right. Okay. Yeah. I'm not doing that thing that like Tory ministers do. Right. Fucking idiots. Right. Don't check his likes. Yeah.

Don't check his likes. And then you always check. John Barnes retweeted something about Celtic winning the title and then like some blacks on blonde thing. He's into it, isn't he?

Shout out John Barnes, you dirty old bastard. I love it. What was the under earphones uh for the i've got to go because of the i love them i've got them i've got two sets but uh overrated because of the price uh but that's what i was going to say with the wanking they're so good the noise cancelling so good that i'm just wary that someone knocks on and tries to talk to me and i'm like you got any bluetooth speakers in your house deep in the middle of

well i have yeah but i've that would be the fear do you want with your eyes closed what do you want with your eyes closed uh the rare imagination one that i have yeah that'd be a ballgy one with the airpods in cancel the noise out and close your eyes shout laura the danger one and one. And do it on the landing. Good one, Isaiah Butterworth, and we haven't done it before. Yes. Nick, please, says overrated, underrated, the dishmatic. What was his name?

Nick, please. I don't see the problem. It's Nicholas, please. Nick, please. He's shortened it to Nick, please. Guys, I'm reading the name. It's Nicholas, please. Nick, please. He's shortened it to Nick, please. Guys, I'm reading the name. It's what someone's written in. Overrated, underrated.

The Dishmatic. That sponge on a stick with a built-in fairy liquid for washing the dishes. Overrated. Overrated. Under. I've got one. I've got one through uni without it.

Fuck off. You have to fill it and it annoys you and you don't use it again? No. I don't want my hands going anywhere near the grubby shit on a plate there that when i discovered them in first year of uni my life changed forever almond bargain i don't wash dishes anymore i tell you what lad your uni day is a little bit crazy a little bit crazy well no everyone having an intervention like he's just using that dishmatic too much it's the first

time i had to wash dishes properly. Like every time I ate something and that just helped out. Get a dishwasher. Unbelievable. Yeah. Evan says, underrated, overrated.

The Rock was better when he was calling people jabronis. The Rock, underrated, overrated. What was the Attitude Eater? That was the best Rock. The Attitude Eater. I feel best rock. The Attitude Era. I feel like no one knows what that means. What does that mean? Is that a WWE thing?

Late 90s, early noughties, maybe. The Attitude Era was a- When he was doing the eyebrow? When he was like that, calling people jabronis. But now he's one of the highest Hollywood actors now, isn't he, paid? I have to say, I'm not like that arsed about him, but it does work. Like,

the Jumanji films are dead good. Like, they're really fun. He's just being himself in everything. He plays a role, doesn't he?

He's the big guy and no one else can do it. Him and Chris Rock works pretty well. Not Chris Rock. Kevin Hart. You know, Kevin Hart.

You know, him and Trevor McDonald work really, tell me you won't want to watch it yeah that is the buddy comedy we want to see yeah trevor mcdonald and the rock i reckon he's got some skeletons in his closet no i reckon he's so clean nah there's something there's something he's too polished he's one of them guys where it comes out years later and you go, yeah. I'd be very surprised. Who, Trevor McDonald?

Trevor McDonald. Yeah. I don't know if The Rock is. I think he might be squeaky clean there. I get a bad vibe about him, that he's just a bit of a knobhead. Too many steroids. I don't think they can get handsy

when the dick don't work. No, but I reckon he's a knobhead. You think? Yeah. I honestly reckon he's one of the purest people on planet Earth. I don't know. Oh my God.

What a testimony from the usually cynical sense I got. No, lads, I'm not going to have jokes here. He's one of the purest people on planet Earth. But he's lovely, isn't he? I love Moana. I love Moana, but I don't know. I just, I just, I really,

I really think he's bulletproof. I really I really think he's bulletproof I really don't think he's got anything it would be a real disappointment if he was a total cunt in real life he's too big to be a cunt if Ryan Reynolds turned out to be a dick bag in person I would be hurt by that me too I don't want to see that there's so many celebrities pop up where you're like I can imagine you being a fucking cunt. I don't want Jonah Hill to be a cunt in real life. He is. I've got first, I mean, I won't say his name,

but listener, friend, a first-hand knowledge of Jonah Hill. Yeah, loads of stuff's come out recently about Jonah Hill. Oh, no. Oh, yeah. He told me a story about him. About the thing about him being controlling with his girlfriend. This person despises

Jonah Hill. Said he might have come for years and now he's coming out he's made up. Shout out to you know who you are. I love Jonah Hill.

Seth Rogen similarly. If he was a knobhead I'd be gutted. Arnie's one of my I feel like he's clean as well. Yeah he's I fucking love it. Do you know why guys

Arnie's age don't count? Because they're like 78 years old. If they're a bit grumpy and like weird you're like yeah he did cheat didn't he but that's because there's that story that apparently he got caught engaging in oral sex with someone and his wife walking in and apparently his line was eating's not eating's not cheating i'm'm sorry. I'm sorry. His line was what in Bangladeshi?

No, he's Welsh. His line was eating not cheating. He famously said that. He's trying to do Austrian. Do your Arnold Schwarzenegger impression again, please. Eating's not cheating. That is Barry Island. Yeah.

If it's not, it's racist. Eating. Get out. I know somebody. Let her finish. if it's not it's racist eating get out I know somebody let her finish I know somebody who he bought a house for one of his nannies yeah

because he's banging her no can I just say when I'm talking about knobbedry I'm not talking about like past infidelities

yeah no like I'm not in a position I'm talking about rude to like a waiter like degenerate Lizzo Lizzo is the newest one. She's a bit of a cunt and everything.

Lizzo is the newest one. Lizzo's a twat. Yeah. I've read a bit more about it. Lizzo did one thing that was a bit dodgy. The banana? Yeah, it's mainly her like touring company that are horrible. Tell me if you met Adele and she was absolutely cunty to you, you'd be like, fuck, that's disappointing.

She is best mates with James Corden. And I feel like the company you keep says a lot about i think they're industry best mates she's lovely you can tell she's pure yeah all right then have you have you ever met a celebrity who's been an absolute arsehole michael arteta who's that he's the arsenal manager all right but then i'm best friends with adele as well i kind of understand the five star pictures were opening on our school and he played forever at the time when he came with nuno valente to open them and we were like early teens and he's obviously been taken there by the club like he needs to go and do that he doesn't want to be there but when you're a kid you don't understand that yeah and i remember

he was like oh my god michael arteta's here getting pictures of him playing 40 with him and then i overheard him say to his agent or whoever it was when can we go and it broke my heart i was like oh he doesn't want to be here in my head he was like he wanted to be there with us yeah when i heard him say that i was like ah shit you know what though now i get it this is where this is where i sympathize with nicole arteta if he did that loudly in front of kids you'd be like yeah that's not good but it there's things that look you do as a comedian where you're like this is part of the job you've got to do the gig you've got to meet people fuck i sell merch on tour and it like you've got to be sound but there is a point sometimes you don't know what the week

is at or the day is at where i will say to people like we gotta bounce i'm fucked or whatever but yeah it is hard when i was a kid i was like, you don't think of them things. You think, he wants to be here with us. And he's like, when can I go? I was like, ah. And it just, like, the whole facade fell. I was like, he's not a dickhead. But I thought he was back then.

I was like, oh, fuck you, Michael. How people treat, like, we've said it before, how people treat, like, people that they don't think they can gain something from is a massive indicator about who you are as a person. And I'm talking about circuit comics that we know i've seen them be dismissive to staff and newer comics who look up to them you're like it just doesn't speak well to you if you're famous it must be a lot because people don't know where

the line is of your private space or privacy or like so it must wear on you that you just basically see members of the general public as a fucking pain in the ass yeah but some of them keep keep that uh good humor about it don't they and keep their manners the biggest one is sorry finn the biggest one is how you treat hospitality stuff yeah that's what i see 100 how you treat no matter who you are where you are how you treat the person who's serving you food or drinks is the biggest indicator of what you're like as a person yeah i say i literally today because i i write i'm a fan of writing an old school letter and i wrote i recently stayed in there sorry it checks out yeah uh i because i wrote a letter to the um to the adelphi here here in Liverpool because the lass who checked me in was just dead sound. And I was like, she was like, so I literally wrote a letter to the Adelphi.

Do you know why that is, Barry? Do you know why that is? Because you're the first customer for two and a half months that isn't just using a room to take heroin. That's probably why. Hey, we've got a real customer. I wrote a letter to David Attenborough not long ago. Oh, why? I got a reply. He wrote later david attenborough not long ago oh why i've got a reply he wrote back he wrote back yeah that's cool as fuck yeah and he put a signed picture in as well

oh you didn't ask for that did you no no no no i just wrote it because i like his um i just said i really like um blue planet i'm obsessed with the sea and you thought dear David Attenborough I love Blue Planet I love the sea and instead of using the social media that you've built up over the last 10 years but he's not on Twitter

it's a system or something might be I thought he'll look at an old school letter and yeah he sent me a reply was it handwritten? yeah

that's cool that's cool as fuck again David Attenborough if you go excuse me Sir Davidid i really love blue planet he's like get away from me you dirty poet there are certain celebrities you'd kind of want to be a knobhead though or like want to be a bit grumpy like if i met harrison ford i'd want him to be a bit sharp oh yeah and he would be as well yeah yeah you'd want him to be

the character someone I know was I'm going to be very careful not to get someone in trouble but he was recently in Northumberland where he was filming at Bamber Castle for the new Indiana Jones movie. They filmed the World War... Not Harrison Ford. What? What's Harrison Ford? Harrison Ford, yeah. Oh, right. I thought you were trying to be secret about who this is. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

It was an Indiana Jones film. What kind of fucking Indiana Jones? Is this going to be like, hey, do you want to see Anik Castle? It's where Harry Potter was filmed. It was a World War II scene that they filmed in indiana jones and that's um that's bambo castle and this person who i know was charged with looking after harrison ford because he was prone to wandering off he's he's a he's an old school old man amazing if they

if they didn't have their eyes on him where where's Harrison gone? Right? And he'd like wandered off to the chip shop. That's cool as fuck. And they were like, get him, get, because he doesn't,

to him he's just, normally he's just getting on. There's photographs of him in Newcastle where you can see the person I know in the background

of them where he's just walking on the quayside just having a look round. But they've got someone assigned to him to, like, if he does decide to like... Come on Harrison, of them where he's just walking on the quayside just having a look around but they've got someone assigned to him to like if he does decide come on harrison off you i want to go to the chip shop yeah just like no we need to get back i thought you were gonna slag him off then i was gutted

but that is no that's perfect that's what you want no he'd like he'd like if they weren't filming he'd like go for a walk along the beach there'd be people walking their dogs and stuff and all of a sudden, fucking that bloke off Star Wars. It's like, you read it fall off. If you worked at a Northumberland coast, chippy and solo.

There's loads of like restaurants that he would just like pop out for his dinner. And they were like, just couldn't believe it. That's the Keanu Reeves thing in it, where he's just like, he wanders around and everyone's like, he's just so pop out for his dinner and they were like just couldn't believe it that's the keanu reeves thing in it where he's just like he wanders around and everyone's like he's just so normal yeah if keanu reeves was a bell end yeah i feel like sean bean he was normal do you remember when jack d because jack d's got the persona of being grumpy when we're at the comedy awards in london just stopped adam and went can you say i absolutely love your stand-up i've seen your specials you're like it almost didn't match with i love the person yeah i was like we were and i mean it wasn't like

adam was like oh there's jack d i might try and talk to him like jack d like made his way out and went oh can i just stop you and just say i love your stuff that's that's it he was one of my comedy heroes growing up so that's really nice lavinia apollo's his like yeah like yeah it's his show and yeah at the comedy awards as well i um i never ask anybody for the picture very very rarely anyway i don't think you i don't think it's good form when you're on the floor no i don't mean there i mean in any way i'm not kind of person who can have a picture um no i just let them get on with the day but uh i saw charlotte richie there who is um she's oregon in fresh meat isn't even a big show she's sitting at me and said i watched with me where first started dating she's

also in you now she's huge she's been in loads of stuff yeah and i was like you know what i'm gonna ask her for the picture because sarah can enjoy it and you know she's cool the awards had finished by the way the awards are finished this is outside after the show and she stood there with a couple of people and i was like right i'm gonna i'm gonna go for it i mean i have charlotte sorry to interrupt can i get a picture and she went oh no not right now and i was like do you know what i went i went no worries and just walked away i was like i didn't respect any less in fact i respected a little bit more that she told me no i i will go up and say hello if i don't think they're getting pestered loads she wasn't doing

around the place i'm saying i made sure it was all right i fanboyed he's called luke hammond he's a a guy that does sketches on witness on instagram i was like oh my god i just didn't expect it and i i love his videos and uh he was like who the fuck are you but i wouldn't do that to anyone i thought the public would just mob. Because I'd be like, just give him a day off. But I was like, look.

Was that when we were all smoking our cigars? It was. He's so funny. He's so funny. Yeah. So I wasn't like, he's a knobhead. Do you reckon?

I'm not sure. Something about it. I kind of respect him for saying no. He's a really funny guy. Yeah, that's fair enough, isn't it? Different when you're part of the...

She said it nicely. She's like, oh no, not right now. I was like, okay, see you later. Right, finn what are we going to do here because we're going to bring back confessions yeah i'm trying it out people have been asking barry you're going to sit in judgment okay i will uh give you father o'leary's opinion on these confessions so if you want to admit something anonymously we did this for a while and then it

dropped off but it's back baby so if you have something you want to admit something anonymously, we did this for a while and then it dropped off, but it's back, baby. So if you have something you want to get off your chest, confess, and you want to see if you get some germane penance or we judge more harshly, write in haveawordpod at gmail.com or send a letter to Barry's house. He'll send it to mine.

Or if you're a patron, put it in the DMs and Harry Robinson will get it over to us, VIP. The guy who fought Luke's head, and he's here now, he's got a job at Stee. That is peak confessions. Someone shagged a multi-pack,

a hole in a multi-pack of Luke's head. Is it Sayers or something? You know that sounds good, Stee. Yeah, it was in a McCall's. Lucas A's. Is it Sayers or something? No, it was in a McColls. Yeah, it was in a McColls. Well-remembered, Say. So, we need a jingle. Oh, then Dominic, Harry Padre. What can we do?

That was good. Can someone check something? Oh, Dominic Padre, some running money, a little bit of sun, and I'm fucking banter. Can you do that again, but at the end, Barry, you just say confessions, really, Geordie.

Confessions? Can someone make that, please? Thank you. Hello, lads. Me and the wife are big fans of the pod, but I think it's best I keep this one anonymous. Basically, on our wedding day, me and my wife,

who I love very dearly, were separated for a bit during the party we had after the meal and ceremony. During the separation, I had a threesome with her mother and her maid of honour. I've loved my wife for years and never had any intention on cheating on her,

but after one too many drinks and years of flirting from her mother, I gave in. And when her maid of honour caught us, we invited her to join... Join...

Fuck off! Hope you can forgive me, father. An anonymous fan from Newcastle. Right, before this even gets judged on, bang that gavel. Fuck off, mate. Fuck off. That's a poem, fantasy. That is circa 1989 i was at me wedding and you know me and the new mother-in-law

obviously you know she looked great in a fucking hat and i went christ pam i'm gonna fucking rattle the fillings out of you. That's a porn fantasy? Bullshit. And then the maid of honour was like, Oh, what's this in the disabled toilet? Here's me with my disability just needing a piss. And here's you two.

You should know better, but my God, that hat, Pam, you fucking dirty old bitch. Why is she disabled? Because they're in the disabled toilet. That's why she was going to use them. There you go. I think I did pretty well there. Fucking bollocks.

And I'll tell you what, if Adam was here, he'd have said it quicker than me. He'd have snapped the laptop in half. Next confession. When I was much younger and went out to house parties, I thought it was hilarious to shit in a bag,

write pate on the bag and put it in the freezer where the house party was. I know it's totally disgusting, but when you're 16 and stupid, it would make me laugh for days knowing it was lying in wait, waiting to be found by their parents. Please forgive me.

Yours, The Bag Man. Sorry, hang on. Who puts pate in a bag? Who puts patty in the freezer? Oh, fuck it up. Do you know what? What do I eat? Graham!

Hey, Graham! What do you want for lunch? I can fucking deep frost that patty! Got a fucking bag of patty! Are you... Send the test go back. Do you remember when I first moved to Manchester, the house of death little Tyneside?

I do, yeah. We had a sign on the downstairs toilet which said no top decking because somebody during a house party had done the old thing of taking the cistern lid off and sitting on that and putting their feet and shitting in this. That's top decking. So they'd had a shit in the top deck of the toilet and put the thing back on and so every time you flush it just stinks forever

this was a sign up saying no top decking so i can well believe this happened and i can i find it so entertaining that it's absolutely fine some of them parties man some of them parties i think every time you mention that house it takes me back to the party where someone got out their brand new vagina and i will never forget that imagery yeah someone who'd recently fully transitioned and was post-op fucking hell me just thinking how old is this person just was dead proud of the new fanny and thought you know what i'm gonna show it yeah yeah did it someone took a photo of it yeah I remember yeah

did it look good oh because I don't think it looked like Tim Burton had designed it I was impressed by the handiwork ask AI to do that

and we'll get a picture what's this Edward Scissorhands there's something on the couch what's this what's this alright let's have that well you're an absolute animal sir but Edward Scissorhands there's something on the couch what's this what's this alright less of that well you're an absolute animal sir

but yeah what's his penance has he got penance I tell you what no he's a legend he's off not guilty not guilty

legend father old lady said yeah that's mad isn't it you gotta go when you gotta go scouts get old to hate maids whenever I go to a party I always shit in a bag

to strong up can't read as well with Donnelly's oh yeah oh hello fucking father old lady yeah yeah

my dad yeah yeah got it right in there with the fucking smiley faces wag wag lids I'm in need of some germane penance

I have a Polish wife and she has been in the UK for 18 years. So English. Yeah. What? That's it. Full stop.

Fucking hell. You met the love of your life and you've got a new driveway. I have a Polish wife and she's been in the UK for 18 years. So her English and her grasp

within the Yorkshire accent is impeccable. But her best friend is not so clued up on English or posting on Facebook in English. Anyways, to cut a long story a bit shorter, she posted a status on Facebook asking for help, but in Polish. Google Translate is not the best, I think we all know,

that it gets certain words wrong. So my wife's best friend asked in Polish, does anybody in Doncaster know where I can pick up some wild butter mushrooms that are edible? But she was obviously writing it in Polish. But when translated back into English, her post simply asked, does anybody in Doncaster know

where I can get some wild cock and I could pick up and devour and enjoy? My penance is that I didn't tell her what a post said or my wife and at least 20 of her English colleagues at work all sent her dip pics or filthy messages

hoping that she would pick them I did eventually tell her what happened but it was nearly a week until she found out after telling my wife to let her know I was in the doghouse

for a while with the missus and a friend doesn't come round as often anymore but I still think it was worth it keep up the

great work. Guy's been a patron for around nearly two years. He's done nothing wrong. It's the guys that are sending the dick pics. Yeah, we do not condone unsolicited images of your genitalia. They weren't unsolicited. They were.

She wasn't actually asking. She was asking for fucking mushrooms. Listen, if you're a dick pic sender and you have someone go in, has anyone got any wild cock, then the messages you get officially aren't unsolicited. I think Google's at fault there.

Yeah, fucking Google. No, you said not, I'm wrong. Gary? Gary Bang the Gavel. Oh, Barry's... I say that Barry is the judge. You should have told her alright

what's his penance then what's he got to do penance yeah I get to decide what he's got to do yeah something to do with mushrooms

I think learn Polish to a GCSE level yes well he's definitely going to do that he probably does know a bit of Polish doesn't he

you just pick it up well yeah yeah during sex kurwa that's Polish anonymous There's no bit of Polish, isn't there? Yeah, you just pick it up. Oh, yeah, yeah. During sex. Oh, kurwa. That's Polish. Anonymous. I found my sister's... What?

OnlyFans? No. God. Lord. Have you not read this? A lard. This is from Anonymous. I found my sister's nudes on her ipad oh no and wanked to

them no no come on no call him bullshit come on hang on don't call bullshit yet for context i was 15 and she was 21 after maybe the second time going back to it i left the ipad on that screen on accident she went to go on the ipad went bright red, and hid the iPad in her room. This is an advert for iPads. It looked like a beak. Oh, God. Oh, dear. Mate, you can't wank to your sister's fanny

and then be like, it didn't even look that good. And I'm not proud of it. I was just a horny, disgusting teenager. Keep up the great work. Love the pod. Please keep me anonymous. I believe him.

That's from Jake Carrot. Well, Confessions is back with a bang. Lord, that is probably the most succinct, shocking sentence I've ever known any correspondence to be written in with. 15 year olds are horny bastards. That is definitely true. I didn't know it was his. What?

How did you know it was his? Face was in it. Oh, she's getting a funny hand and face in the picture. It's an iPad, big screen. Oh, God. She's got tits as well. Mate, I'm going to say this. I've done some dirty stuff in my time.

At 15, my lord. And I appreciate you writing in. And I know this is, have a word in. I know you'll take this with a pinch of salt. But, oh, that is, oh, that is old school Rangan. Where are they from? Peter Lee. They're over 21, isn't it?

Standard. There's some therapy needed there, if that's true. Both ends. What do you say? Even farther over there, he's like, fuck, that's mad, that. Jesus Christ, fuck, what are you using your iPad for, lad? Angry birds and an angry wank, wank what can the penance be there

I can think of a couple of things just bang the gap, come on Barry this is a harsh judgement you are taking some Jermaine Penance here you see I sort of I've got a lot of respect there for him admitting that oh right for the admitting it

for the coming clean we've all got hot sisters I've got a lot of respect there for him admitting that. Oh, right. For the admitting it bit. For the coming clean. I mean, we've all got hot sisters, haven't we? Ooh. Ooh. Mine's particularly partial to a hat. No masturbation for a month. A month. Oh, it's good

it's good penance a month off I'm on proof did he say how old he is now how long ago this was he's now 15 and a half so things have changed yeah yeah

different guy you know it's winter the iPad was released in what like 2008 so that might be wrong thanks for that you really know your Apple that might be a guess

can you Google that? If that's right, by the way. Oh, yeah. I think it's after that. I think it's like 2010. What? 2010? Matthew knows all these things.

He's deaf, all right. When was the iPad? Send them in. If they are about you having a threesome in the toilet at your own wedding. Oh, I thought you meant send the photos in there. Oh, yeah. The sisters.

Send the iPad in. Unlock it. She's 21. Send the photos in there. Oh, yeah. The sister. Send the iPad in. Unlock her. She's 21. Send the pictures in. We'll decide whether or not it was worth it. Horny little bastard. Oh, God. Right, let's have a break.

I'm hungry all of a sudden. And welcome back. We have famous podcast raconteur Freddie Quinn. Hi! He's the guy you call when someone's dropped out last minute. Hey! No one dropped out. No one dropped out. Did they not? No.

And you're going to feel like a dickhead now. We wanted a good tap-in. It was just going to be good. Oh, mate, I'm not feeling it today. Not feeling it. Yeah, you are, because you want to antagonise Barry Dodds. Yeah, I want to antagonise Barry. No. Oh, mate, I'm not feeling it today. Not feeling it. Yeah, you are, because you want to antagonise Barry Dodds. Yeah, I want to antagonise Barry.

No. Oh, Barry, what you said in that restaurant before. Fucking hell. We shouldn't have gone for Chinese, though. Exactly.

That was almost egging him on. We went for Nando's. Contrary to what you think, she was crying, and yes, she can say it correctly. Unbelievable, Barry.

Part two, what we doing? Part three, penny-pellied you. That was a long wait. What, sorry? It was a long... Yeah, you didn't have to call them lazy, did you, Barry? I mean, for Christ's sake, they built a fucking wall! It was a what weed?

It's so funny. I was nervous. As soon as I knew it was you, I was nervous. To be fair, 45 minutes for Nando's is a piss take. That's my ball.

Oh, it was obscene. I can't, I don't have it in me to fucking shout at servers. Do you know what I mean? You were malnourished. You didn't what I mean? You were malnourished. You didn't have any strength. I was malnourished.

I was malnourished. I was malnourished. I was malnourished. I was malnourished. I was malnourished. I was malnourished. I was malnourished. I was malnourished.

I was malnourished. I was malnourished. I was malnourished. I was malnourished. I was malnourished. I was malnourished. I was malnourished. I was malnourished.

I was malnourished. I was malnourished. I was malnourished. I was malnourished. I was malnourished. I was malnourished. I was malnourished. I was malnourished.

I was malnourished. I was malnourished. I was malnourished. I was malnourished. I was malnourished. I was malnourished. I was malnourished. I was malnourished.

I was malnourished. I was malnourished. I was malnourished. I was malnourished. I was malnourished. I was malnourished. I was malnourished. I was malnourished.

I was malnourished. I was malnourished. I was malnourished. I was So we bought the Nando's and then Steve took the business card round to, because you guys went to Wagamama's, didn't you? Slim Chickens. Oh, you went to Slim Chickens. We split the group up because there was nine of us. So Adam has very quickly got two notifications for meals on his food

and literally put in the group, oh, Freddie's on the pod and there's two full meals been bought. Standard. Fucking little rat. And he's in a gym feeling all smug is he yeah he's working out it's a different picture in the gym it doesn't mean he's he's started a three month uh he's just changed his whole life that probably started at 10 a.m and will last till wednesday i've actually changed my life uh and i want to talk to you seriously about this uh i've gotten really

into golf recently and uh can i to talk to you all about it I wanted to say this for a while, shut the fuck up oh god that felt good guys not for Steve who's like oh god I like it as well he cares no percent he cares no percent? I don't think for Steve

I don't think anyone's ever used that term Steve would you get offended if he started talking about golf no how have you not all had a word with him and said er hey

and literally said what golf is like a shit fucking Tory sport it's not even a sport it's just old divorced men fucking

hitting a little ball around a fucking field it's shite but he's getting practising early for when he is one oh really yeah yeah yeah he's shite but he's getting practicing early for when he is one oh really yeah yeah yeah he's going early

but it's like I wouldn't he loves it he genuinely there's loads of comics who are bang into it yeah because we're all in that we're in the age zone

aren't we do you reckon it's because of the foot he's not been on no I reckon it's because he's trying to make the new thing his personality mate I wish I cared.

You get to a certain age, you either make... Best mate, fucking, firing shots. You either make cooking, gardening, DIY or golf. Yeah, I've went for gardening. I just mow the lawn twice a week. I think to say gardening is part of my personality is a bit rich. But I know what you mean. You go to some standard middle-aged

sort of cooking for me that's cooking eating c-u-c-k because i could be with you on that i could make that a whole part of my personality yeah brilliant right can one of you right any of you explain what cooking is the c The C-U-C-K. Oh, yeah. What is it? Cook or... Freddie? Honestly, I've heard different versions from different people on what this is.

I've Googled it and I've seen no... So, basically... No, I've seen... Barry, imagine watching your missus get railed and being like, this is great. That's literally it you're not allowed to play Xbox though because I know that sounded good for a second

finally a bit of quiet time it's basically Devante's coming round great I can do the hoovering Devante well I think we all know what I was implying. Yeah, cooking, you have to watch. You can't just leave the room and go to the shops.

Yeah, it's like getting a thrill from your partner cheating on you and being brazen about it. You're a cook. Hey, hey, hey. It's not cheating. It's just borrowing. Right, okay. I'm on into it, like.

Right. Tried it? Nope. But I also haven't tried, like tried like getting shot it's a good point i'm not by far i know but you you've said to me several times recently you want to spend more time together so you need to maybe you haven't got the game what for big says dogs yeah no chance i've said this for years right that i'm so lucky that all of my kinks require little to no cleanup do you know what i mean like like you know those people who have like kinks that are like,

you think that must take you hours to get ready for that shit. You know, there's people who dress up as like fucking furries or they like, you know, they've got a kink about like food or like splashing and shit. I always think after you've pooed on someone and like the moment's gone, you just clean and poo up. Yeah. You know when and poo up. Yeah. You know when you have a wank

and you have a wank, you come and you go, and then you go, oh, like that. And then you just look and there's a bit of cum and you're like, oh God, I'm a dirty boy, aren't I?

Imagine that would be a fat shit on your wife's chest. Let me think. Oh. Imagine rinsing out a fleshlight. Barry, turn to your side. I bought him one. And just to confirm what Carl said about the

garden, I did it with the garden tap. You did it with the outside tap? Does that make it so much waste? It totally does. That's where you fill water balloons up? Yeah, that's the primary use. It is, as my role as an aqua pedophile.

I mean, there is other things that that is getting used for. No, you either put a hose on it or water balloons. You don't put cummy fucking flashlights on it. Dishwasher? Right. Are they safe? You can't put it in the dishwasher with all the dishes though, surely.

No, it's a separate wash. And also I would forget, and the dishwasher has a weird little thing of open itself up just after it's finished. Like bing bong, come and have a look, everyone. What's in there? Carl's Christmas present to me, a flashlight. I went in the garden office.

That's my little sanctuary for all things evil. Tried it out three or four times. And I didn't enjoy it. They're all this shit, aren't they? You're in the garden office. So if you need to clean it out, which you have to do because it's going to get rank, I just, the closest tap was the outdoor tap.

Did you come in yours? It was one of the lowest moments. You came in it. I couldn't even come in mine when I was using it. I got a flashlight. Pulled out of a flashlight. What's that mean? You pulled out of a flashlight.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because he really doesn't want to get anyone pregnant. Well, I just thought because Carl had bought it me for Christmas, I didn't want to like, you know, be an ungrateful present receiver.

You know what nobody told me is that the stone cold inside. Facebook marketplace. The fucking stone cold inside. Yeah, if you're an amateur and you don't put it on the radiator for 20 minutes.

I didn't put it on the radiator. I just, it was like fucking a dead woman. It was horrible. You have no way of knowing what that feels like, Freddie. Well, sorry. It was like what I imagined fucking... There you go.

Oh, God. How's it like? Why have you asked me to put this on the screen? Look at her, mate. So, the level up from this is a full sort of sex doll model. And this is the Thrust Pro Elite Roxy Lifestyle Realistic Sex Doll. Can we see the reviews? Three five-star reviews.

I read the reviews yesterday. The blonde ladies got the better reviews. Racist reviewers. And so they are like, I mean, keep talking among yourselves. Are you guys sponsored by Love Honey? Is that what this is? Yes. Oh, okay.

So how much? Do you get by Love Honey? Is that what this is? Yes. Oh, okay. So how much? Do you get off 20% off? Is it? So you're getting less than, like, 1,500 quid off. Not to slag your sponsors off, but I think 1,750 quid for a sex doll is fucking highway robbery.

I think it's a good one. How is it good? What, has it got, like, speakers? I'm going to read one out. Yeah. Though she is lifestyle and petite, she's just the right size to cuddle up to at night. She is a little cold to the touch,

but her first two warms up with contact. She arrives in the box the size of a small coffin, which requires two people to carry her. It's difficult to carry her up and down the stairs. Also, she weighs six to seven stones, so care needs to be taken when taking her up and down the stairs. Also, she weighs six to seven stones, so care needs to be taken when taking her up and down stairs. Do you know,

if I worked for Operation U-Tree, I'd just go on the reviews for this and be like, cool, this is just making our job so much easier. Who measures things in coffin size? It's about the size of a small coffin, that. Undertakers.

Not even them. Yeah, to be fair. I reckon they do. Any of the new doors? Oh, two and a half coffins. A a new door it's about two and a half coffins horrible what door would be

two and a half coffins a church door a coffin is bigger than a person a church door oh yeah true well

that was horrible yeah it was gross I'm mad at that by the way look at Barry he's like I can't believe that's public you can't believe because you paid less

didn't you look at his face I didn't know he just had a disco coat. Have you never used a flashlight, Barry? No. Have you ever had like,

so what's the weirdest sex toy you've used on your dick or ass? Honestly, nothing. You've never, you've never had like,

I've never done a flashlight. I've never tried a cock ring. I've never, I've never whacked anything. You never had like a finger up your bum? No. No, no.

But how do you know that you might not be missing out on something great? Well, I'll save it for later in life. And I'll find out then. You can't have some surprise. Also, he's got OCD, Freddie. The amount of washing he'd have to do if a finger went up his arse. That's a week of deep cleaning. But you don't know you might like it.

I was like this with sun-dried tomatoes. I didn't touch them for years, and then now I put them on everything. Up your arse? Up my arse. I've never tried olives. I use balsamic vinegar as a fucking lube. Middle-class perv you are. Never tried olives in a flashlight never tried olives

never brought anything into the house that's coffin shaped i've led a relatively boring no that's not boring that's quite quite normal there yeah some people like the idea it's quite normal there. Yeah, some people like the idea. It's the, I think with cooking, apparently, as in not, you know. As in C-U-K, that could be it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I shake the pan and shake myself. I think that they like the fact that they're there, so it's not, there's no cheating going on.

And then afterwards, there's like a reclaiming so so and so fucks off big Gary from from the pub goes home and then the cook goes

now you're mine again I thought it was more like being the substitute goalkeeper in a winning team like like you know

you technically won the match but you didn't have to do anything do you know what I mean I thought that was what the Scott Carson's got two Champions League medals but he didn't have to do anything do you know what I mean I thought that was what the Scott Carson's got two Champions League medals but he hasn't entered exactly

I mean Scott Carson do you know what I think people just make their deals it sounds ridiculous but people make their deals

don't they and some people can just make more complicated deals within a relationship would you be the cooker as in the man who comes round

and does the deed? Honestly, I find the whole thing, I find the whole thing, I quite like that porn. I don't know what it is. Ten years ago, every time Adam's mentioned, Adam goes,

oh, I could not even imagine. I think I was more like that. I'm getting dirtier as I get older. And I like the, I don't know, I find that there's something about it i find quite interesting would you want to be a friend or a stranger don't know yeah who yeah you know someone from the pta i just feel that's a bit much in it yeah

laura's laura's thinking about getting involved in the parish councillor she wants to you know get involved maybe we'll meet new people they need to sort out the fucking the roads and another thing and you're there pimp and lord yeah yeah yeah um can you click and see what else he's reviewed oh has he got a profile do you know what i mean like no not like there's no way but he's called jabberwocky i'll be lewis carroll is there any sex toy barry going back to you um Is there any sex toy, Barry, going back to you? Is there any sex toy that you would like that could be invented that would pique your interest enough for you to try it? So let's say, for example,

tomorrow a new sex toy comes out and it's this amazing thing that just straps over your dick and balls and it gives you a blow job that's like amazingly realistic and it like washes your balls at the same time it's good for you like how's it go hang on what how's it go for you it's a little sun lamp it's giving me a vitamin d there you go exactly you get to photosynthesize your cock and balls i don't go i think it's pretty clear that barry's not gonna go oh yeah that sounds

fucking great you're asking the wrong dude i'd give it a try if carl bought me for christmas i'll be welling oh what about if there was something that sort of cleaned up the jizz afterwards so it was playing on your your clean freak side and also those little hoovers that go around your head a little sexy cum hoover why did you look at finn carl just did you know little sexy come over no i had the mum joke i just didn't do it are you all finished Barry? Cheryl, hello? Cheryl! No, because even with those hoovers,

you've got to clean them out. So you just have to clean out your own globular semen. It comes with another one who cleans that out. It what? It comes with something that cleans shingles. And then that one you clean outside, you know, when you're not making water balloons. What binge you put that in?

Turns into compost. Ooh. Compost. You two are proper mates, aren't you? This is why I thought it was interesting. Because, like, when we get guest hosts on, I feel like... This is why I thought it would be interesting.

No, no, this is because I sort of forget that you two, you speak to each other on the phone quite a lot, don't you? Yes. I've known Barry since we started out. He's my first mate in stand-up. But how long have you been doing stand-up? You've been doing stand-up about 12, 13 years? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So we've all been mates with you for like 10 years or so. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you two have become little comedy phone buddies. Car buddies. Yeah, we talk about it once a week. Yeah, like ring. That's mad I wouldn't

sorry this is an offence but I would never have put you two together I think that's probably why we get on because we've got we bring out

massively bring out the worst in each other yeah he brings out the worst in you oh fuck yeah yeah yeah yeah because I've got a really dark sense of humour

I sense a podcast I think it's pretty clear rob mall holland brings the worst out of you like if we're playing the game yeah oh god yeah yeah we had a um i don't know if i can talk about i'll fucking talk about we an episode that's coming out of ours soon is about um i was comparing it at hot water and there was um a couple on the front row who had a matching tattoo and I was like why have you got like why

have you got a matching tattoo and he was like ah dead baby yeah and I was like ah so we did a whole

the tattoo of the baby no oh in hell no man it was like a but the thing is,

it got so tense in the room as well. No shit. I wonder how that felt. But... If you go to someone on WhatsApp, they go, dead baby. Yeah, but the thing is, I didn't know what it...

There's no way of knowing. You were just following a normal line of inquiry. No, I give you that. Yeah. Yeah. But they were like... But they're doing that thing... thing to be fair apparently he's really healthy with grief of just sort of instead of ignoring it they came up to us afterwards and they were like we were so on board like because for them like i say you can't change what's happened can you it's just how you

internalize it and how you deal with it i I think a lot of people with dark humour is like that. Where was the tattoo so visible? It was on the wrist and they were both wearing short sleeves. Makes sense. I thought it was like a neck tattoo. I was going to say it's a bit blazing, isn't it? I think you've got to be really careful where you get memorial tattoos. I've always said this. I've always said this.

That's his mantra. Because if you have like a dead nana whatever and you get a memorial tattoo of her on like your right forearm every time you have a wank you're going to think don't get jizz on nana

do you know what I mean like don't get cum on my nana memorial tattoo and it's going to put you off how often do you cum on your own forearm one of the only places I've never got cum tattoo and it's going to put you off how often do you come on your own forearm the spider the spider-man finish yeah don't get don't get the tattoo on your belly like conor mcgregor yeah because that's you know it's a common place i saw an arsehole tattoo

uh was looking at some uh porn the other day uh was looking at some porn the other day. Every day. When I say the other day, one of any day that's existed in time. Do you watch porn every day? Well, yeah. Didn't you say you had multiple wanks a day? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So then surely you do? No, so I'm really conscious about not wanting to lose my imagination. So occasionally what i'll do is i'll have a couple of imagination wanks just to sort of like you know keep your ticket yeah it's like when boxers train for 15 rounds when they only need to do 12 like i'm just making sure that i can still do it you've still got it in there yeah yeah yeah still got it in the distance because i'm really paranoid that if you go down a rabbit hole too much on youtube then you're only going to be able to watch like youtube you porn or, then you're only going to be able to watch like...

YouTube? You porn or whatever. Like you're only going to be able to watch Mexican... I'll tell you what, Freddie. If you think porn's only on YouTube, I'm about to blow you away and let you know there's more porn online and it's a bit more risky. I think imagination wanks might be on the way out.

Really? I saw a bum tattoo, a spider web, all around a lady's bum hole. Just to remember my nana. She was killed by a spider. Why? Her nana was called Charlotte. Very good.

I literally had to pause the video to go oh did you like it no I didn't I don't know what makes you go I've seen the spider tits spider tits spider tits I've seen that but the

bumhole to have a spider to have a spider's web all around your bumhole, to have a spider's web all around your bumhole. And also, how do you go into the tattoo artist? I'm going to like, what are you after? Another dead nan? No. Let me tell you.

Have you seen the video? I've seen it on Twitter a few times. There's a video of a woman getting a tattoo. In a cooch. Yeah. And then she just squirts all over the tattoo guy it's fake though isn't it is it yeah yeah oh it's it's well you've ruined my imagination i saw i saw it the first time and i was like and it's set up that's a shame does she actually squirt though i don't know what

they've done to make it look set up but it it's from the end of the shop isn't it you can see down at the shop and it's like the pain has got to the point where she just goes i have never made a girl so i don't know oh no once but i think she was a soldier boy did they go it was so long ago when i made a girl squirt and she went cowabunga. What's that? Like it was a while ago. And the time before that we'll meet again. I don't fucking I don't where do you

where do you where do you where do you stumble across fucking spider web bumhole tattoos yeah and someone

she was getting a gooch tattoo I haven't even seen Avatar yet yeah you yeah you go fucking be watching

oh dear buddy just turn away hey do you know what I saw I spilt my sneak do you know what I saw

what's up what's up we you know what I saw in the cinema the other day biker I watch Barbie it's fucking good man it's real good hang on

I was too busy with the spilt sneak but it absolutely deserves a... I can't hear it. It's a screech. I wish they could watch Barbie porn. So I've watched Oppenheimer and Barbie now, and I've got to tell you, I massively prefer Barbie. They're incompatible, though.

I think that if you're a man who is like, I don't want to watch Barbie, I'm only going to watch Oppenheimer, because one's about a doll and one's about a bomb, fucking grow up and be a bit more secure in your masculinity, you fucking pussyhole. Correct. Bobby, I'm only going to watch Oppenheimer because one's about a doll and one's about a bomb. Fucking grow up and be a bit more secure in your masculinity, you fucking pussyhole. Correct. I agree with that. Barbie is fucking superb.

It's a great film. And so is Oppenheimer. And so is Oppenheimer. Ah, no, I wasn't mad. Look, the last hour of Oppenheimer I think is great, but the first two hours, fuck me. Also, that's unpopular. Most people say the other way around. Really?

It could have ended after the bomb, but, I mean, spoilers. I thought the first hour was just... Drop the bomb. I mean, for the film. The first hour was just everyone going, you're a genius, Oppenheimer. You're so clever. You're so smart.

And then the second hour was just scientists being fucking boring, argumentative. Oh, no, we can't use it out of lithium. Let's make it out of bithium. Oh, fuck, it gives a fuck. And the minute that they drop the bomb... Did you say bithium or bithium? I don't know.

The lithium bomb is nasty. Just a big phone. The bithium bomb is pretty bad, isn't it? That's fucking geared set for you again. Tattoo. But isn't Oppenheimer the one that's in the IMAX? You've got to see it on a massive screen and all that. No, I think that's the IMAX people telling you that you need to do it.

I saw it in IMAX. Yeah. I don't get the point. That's the big screen people. Because there's only one bomb. No, but it's the whole, they filmed it on the IMAX cameras. Yeah, but the rest, you don't need all IMAX for just the chatting bits. The sound's better. Christopher Nolanolan films the sound is awful what do you expect that move you into

a big room for a big screen for the bomb and then you get your own little well no like you put like some like armageddon it'd be good on like a massive screen where is all references from avatar and armageddon he's on the A's, isn't he? He searches Netflix alphabetically. Armageddon's one of the best films ever made. Oh, he is, Adam. See, I can quote word for word that movie. Well, wait till you watch Avatar.

I mean, you've still got round to, you've still got to watch A Dog's Life yet before you get to it. Armageddon's not one of the best films I've ever made. It's fucking wanked. It's amazing. It's wanked. It's my hangover film.

It's fucking wanked. Or was my hangover. All right, here's a question. Why the fuck are they turning fucking drillers into astronauts? Wouldn't it be easier to turn astronauts into drillers?

No, you don't understand drilling. It's very complicated. It takes years to know. As opposed to being an astronaut. It's Michael Bay, isn't it? Ben Affleck asked that and Michael Bay said, shut the fuck up and do your job.

Really? Freddie, Freddie, being an astronaut, easy. You just get to sit in, bounce around on the moon, piece of piss. Drilling asteroids, not easy. I've never seen it.

Okay, how many astronauts can you name? You what? Buzz Aldrin, Neil Armstrong, Drilling asteroids? Not easy. I've never seen it. Okay. Next question. How many astronauts can you name? You what? Buzz Aldrin, Neil Armstrong, Yuri Gagarin. There's three. Okay. How many drillers can you name?

Point. UK. Fucking drillers. JLS. All them. Them boys are doing the drill now. Thanks, Finn. I liked it.

All right. Great point, Freddie. You're absolutely right. Thank you. It's absolutely thanks Finn I liked it alright great point Freddy you're absolutely right thank you it's absolutely ludicrous oh my god fucking Captain

suspend disbelief vicious preposterous dogs can't talk I don't even know why I've stayed pathetic Toy Story

this is stupid toys are inanimate you silly little children I'm out I have a real problem with like films tell me why you like that film then

about the Barbie doll what you mean Barbie Barbie yeah that film about the Barbie doll and this one that's not you see

you're following the game's preposterous well I thought that Barbie was a pretty easy watch and I thought it was really funny as well. Is it comedy?

It was consistent. It's kind of sort of like... It's very meta. You know a Pixar film has, like, fucking jokes for the parents? It was like that. The last joke is like that, isn't it? The very last joke is for the parents. It's all good.

Do you know what? And I think you'll agree with me on this i can see people watching barbie again and again and again yeah there ain't no way in hell anyone's watching oppenheimer more than twice i'd want i'd want to watch it again but only in the cinema i think i don't think i could watch it at home oppenheimer barbie i could watch again barbie is a hangover film. You could watch that hanging out. Imagine watching Oppenheimer hungover. Fuck that, man. Yeah, that's not a hangover film, is it? Yeah.

That's like, there's certain films that are not suited to, like no one's like buckling down for the pianist when they're hungover. Like, do you know what I mean? There are films that are, but there are amazing films, I know what you mean, that you watch, enjoy. Like, There like there will be blood is unbelievable oh it's great i loved it and i haven't i don't think i've re-watched it in ages because it's it's a lot i re-watch it maybe once every six months really yeah yeah yeah and i like the fucking my name is daniel playing view

i have a son hw i love it it's just fucking brilliant man i drank up your oil yeah like a milkshake i'm an oil man i have numerous prospects all over the area so believe me when i say that i can help you better place than any other oil man in the area can do i love it it's fucking great spoilers holy shit that was your original act, wasn't it? Take that off. What do you mean? Of all the films I could have picked, the one that Freddie was like, I watch it every six weeks.

Do you know what? I'll just do it for you now. But your original stand-up act was reciting like you just did there. Yeah, Pulp Fiction. Pulp Fiction? Yeah, mate. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, Barry. Have a dig. Your head was mad then as well. You grew into your head. You have? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got a proper C-section head, don't I? No, your head looks fine now, but your head looks mad.

What's a C-section head? A head that you're like, that's not coming out. Someone said the back of your head's really flat. You what? Yeah, it is. Who? The doctors. Who said that? Oh, my. you know someone said the back of your head is really flat you what yeah it is who the doctors who said that

oh my god yeah exactly you can spirit level that are you alright Barry what he's caught have a word he wants to be audible

to everyone you big flat head cunt I've always had a massive fucking head always you know but I'm saying you suit it more now yeah

yeah well also as well I've had my hair cut I had my hair cut yesterday not happy with it as well because so I go to a I want to say Turkish

I go to a I don't Barber's near Turkey no near where I record my podcast and Go to a barber's near... Turkey. No, near where I record my podcast. And basically the guy knows like a tiny amount of English and that suits me fucking fine

because if there's one thing I hate, it's barber chat. I fucking hate... Oh, what are you up to today? Get in my haircut now. Shut the fuck up. I hate it. I don't like it at all. You what? It's a bit rough. Do you like

talking to your barber? I know my barber. But who's ever decided who was the first barber to be like do you know what? I'm going to introduce a bit of bedside man. Edward Scissorhands. What's his name? Sweeney Todd. He'd be a good barber

though. Fucking my man's got the fucking utensils. Nah, mate. Barry, there's no way you like being talked to with your barber. There's no way. I know. Have you got a barber? Yeah. Do you not do it yourself?

No, I let it grow wild. And then I just like. That's growing wild. Then I like, oh no, it'll grow longer than this. And then I'm like, right. Just like factory settings and just off. Gone. Yeah. Then I like, oh no, it'll grow longer than this. And then I'm like, right, just like factory settings and just off, gone. Yeah, yeah.

Then start again. Why aren't you, why do you need a barber? I know you, how are you not just shaving your own head and trimming your own beard? Because my head's massive, it takes ages. You can't, oh my God. I've got to get a landscape gardener in. It's a two-man job.

Do you get your beard done? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But here's the thing, right? He fucked the beard up and there's a line on the beard now because he made it too short. Because here's the problem, right? I love going to them

because they are cheap and I am a fucking cheapskate. And they're Muslim and you've got that look. They don't talk to me, right? But the problem is is because they know about eight words there's no quality control so sometimes they literally shave my head and they barely take

anything off and other times they literally take most of my beard off so you've no really idea what you're gonna get until you get it but how much are you paying it how much are we talking i think it's 14 quid what What are the eight words? That's about standard at the minute. Is that, is it? Yeah, mine. What are the eight words? What's our eight?

What are the eight words? Very, very good. Very, very bad. That's three words. Very, very good. Very, very bad. Garlic mayo. Oh my God.

We're up to five. Any more? Barry. Fuck, flathead. I'm Turkish, Barry. Barry. Fuck, flathead. I'm Turkish, Barry. Barry, you've got a pass. It's all good. Are you Turkish?

Yeah, you're all good. Go on. Go ahead. He's half Turkish, half Welsh. Look at him. Look at him. Clearly. Barry, have you stopped listening to the podcast?

Yeah. Hang on. Right, no, I've stopped listening to most podcasts because I'm constantly fucking editing my own ones. I didn't know you're Turkish. I'm Turkish, I'm Welsh.

Yeah, we did. Oh, sorry. Yes, yes, I do know that. Sorry. You don't now. Barry, have you had a stroke in the break? What happened there at Nando's? You've come back like, oh, this bumhole talk.

I don't know. I think I got a bit taken aback by, I think we went in strong with fleshlights and then that bloat measuring things in coffins, then the spider arsehole, and then the... And then we're like, here's a film recommendation.

And then Freddie Quinn's telling me that Barbie's a good film. It feels like a wind-up. It feels... It is a good film, Paddy. You would love it as well. Genuinely. No irony there. It's a good film. It feels like a wind-up. It feels... It is a good film, Paddy. It is. You would love it as well. No irony there.

It's a good film. It's good. It's made a billion dollars. Very solid director. Directed Lady Bird, Francis Ha. She's good. No bonebacks in it. He did Marriage Story.

That's a good one. And The Squid and the Whale. Yeah, I like films. Shout out to the person... I put out a little request just asking for people to recommend films that me and Laura could watch. And someone sent the recommendation,

The Green Mile, just out of nowhere. The Green Mile, it's really good. You're like, yeah, it is. And when I watched it 20 years ago, I thought, that's really good. I mean, Barry's only on Armageddon, isn't he? No, no, I've seen Green Mile. I'm not sure.

Just one of the recent ones. I don't think I could go through it again. Isn't that like a proper troll? I've watched it once and I can't watch it again. Really? Great film, but it's just fucking harrowing, isn't it? Yeah. Oh, it's not harrowing.

It is harrowing. I suppose it is a bit harrowing. Yeah, no, it's good. I like it. Isn't there a bit with a mouse? Yeah, Mr. Jingles. Do you want some cornbread mr jingles sorry sorry hang on is that the bit that you find harrowing and not the guy being executed brutally

i pussied out that halfway through i realized what i was doing i was like it's in the trailer that was that's one of those actions you gotta commit to if you're doing it and I fucking whipped out I panicked I really panicked he's in Armageddon him that one

John Coffey yeah in the thing yeah yeah he's in uh Daredevil as well he's kingpin

how is the green mild a bit he's dead there's a mice there's a mouse that dies he's dead

I mean that's one of the fourth like the mouse and then when he throws all of my gear up like Spiderman out of his mouth it's not the most horrifying thing about the green mild though is it the mouse, and then when he throws all of my gear up, like Spiderman out of his mouth. It's not the most horrifying thing

about the green mile though, is it? No, but doesn't he like stand on the side? No, the execution bit where the dry sponge is a bit grim, but like- Yeah, I think that's the one that sort of hits home a little bit more. Yeah, it's that side,

the wee little bastard. Do you know- I care more about animals. Is it- Oh, this will turn out to be the sign of a psychopath or something. I care more about animals than I do humans.

No, that's the opposite of a psychopath. Is. I care more about animals than I do humans. That's a sociopath. Right. I care more about animals. I fucking love dogs and that. People, I couldn't give a fuck. Mate, honestly, you know when you see like a tramp with a dog in the street, I always look at the dog and I go, oh, poor dog.

I don't even register. So do I. I don't know why that is. And it's clearly fucked up mate honestly i my podcast you get that many fucking people showing severed dicks and fucking heads exploding and stuff nothing you show me a picture of a sad dog i'm in fucking bits mate yeah yeah but if there was a uh like a fucking bus hurtling down the road and the brakes are gone and there's a kid and a dog in the road. Kids different.

And you don't save the kid. No, the dog. How old's the dog? What breed? It's six months old and it's your dog. Okay. How old's the kid?

What breed? Six months old and it's your dog. Oh dear. Oh dear. Weighing up fucking. Thank you for catching that one I was getting fucking nervous it's such

it speaks so badly of you if you're not instantly saving that child no change it from a kid then there's like 10 dogs and then like 10 70 year old people dogs

again it could be one dog how 10, 70-year-old people. How slow is this fucking bus coming? One at a time. No, they're all still next to each other. But you can push them all out the way with a big... They're all in a trolley. Yeah, it's a less famous quandary, this one.

There was 233 geese and 42 pensioners. Oh, fuck the geese. I'm going to ask my geese. But dogs, the pensioners are getting it. Yeah. Oh, fuck the geese. I'm going to ask my geese, but dogs, the pensioners are getting it. Yeah. Oh, totally. But also as well,

like within that, not all dog breeds are equal. Oh dear. Do you know what I mean? Go on. Shout out, anybody who's got a collie, your dogs are fucking awful.

Unless you live on a farm, there's no need for you to have them. I've always said this. I genuinely believe there's plenty of dog breeds that I don't think normal people should be allowed to have so the idea that you as somebody who's never owned a dog before husky can go and buy a rottweiler without knowing anything about dogs and just have one is insane you should have to show proof of like in order to get a rottweiler you should have to show like i've had two labradors and a poodle and you know what i mean like you've worked your ownership okay yeah yeah yeah like insurance like if you buy

150 grand supercar at 19 years old you just can't get insurance for it this is it it should be the same with dogs there's no first-time dog owner that should be allowed to have a fucking can of corso because if you get that wrong it's ripping fucking, it's ripping a face off. A can of can? A what? A can of corso. It's a big fucking dog. It's a beautiful little one, isn't it? Oh yeah, they're gorgeous and stunning dogs.

And there's, again, to really stress this point, there's nothing wrong with the breed. It's just, look, if you got a little sausage dog, right? Now, your sausage dog, if you fuck raising that, if you mess it up,

not being funny, it's not dangerous to nobody because you fuck raising that oh god if you mess it up not being funny it's not dangerous to nobody because you could boot that down the fucking stairs like and if you did then i'd set your fucking granddad's house but i'm just saying if that dog lost it one day and came no one had noticed because it's a tiny little thing if that did the consequences are low jack you've got a boxer now if you if you fuck-raising that, that's a dangerous animal. That can rip a kid's face clean off. Ah, lovely image of that. It blows out of the section. Well, I'm just saying.

A can of corso. What size of a small car? Those big fucking, they're like unbelievably large. Oh, mate, I saw a dog recently. Have you ever seen Google Caucasian Shepherd? So I was having a pint in a tiny little... It's called German Shepherd, Freddie. No, Caucasian Shepherd.

So these dogs were bred for hunting wolves and keeping livestock safe in, like, Siberia. I've seen the videos of them. Literally, they fight for meat with wolves. They are huge. And I saw one in a sleepy little pub in Lancashire let down while its owner was having a pint. And it's like, why have you got this?

Do you know what I mean? Have you ever seen a Tibetan mastiff? Now, that is a bastard. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It looks like Tina Turner. It looks like fucking... If you looks like fucking Bungle. If you don't...

If you get a Tibetan Mastiff and don't call it Tina Turner, you're not concentrated. Bungle? Looks like Bungle. Don't call it Tina Turner and Mastiff, though. Don't flip it. Let's have a break.

Tibetan Mastiff. Here we are, boys and girls, final section they're the big one let's have a break Tibetan masters here we are boys and girls final section of this have a word Carl have you got a question by any chance? I just saw it on TikTok I think someone sent me an Instagram actually I can't remember his name sorry

whatever your name is if there was a box and inside the box is everything you've ever lost, what's the first thing you'd look for? Me nan? Yeah, I was going to say, like, surely my nan's ring. Oh, yours is nailed on. I found that.

Did you, Carl? That's how to round it. Did you, Carl? That tattoo around it. I've never really lost anything massively important, to be honest with you. Like, apart from people, but... Nothing. I don't think I have either.

Once I lose something, I make peace with it and I get on with my fucking life. A couple of T-shirts that I'd love to have. Sunglasses. So many pairs of sunglasses. Oh, yeah. Oh, of sunglasses. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah, I've literally

lost a pair. Really weird box, innit? Oh, there are my AirPods, all those sunnies, and my nana. She's just literally there. Eight pairs of sunglasses are going,

these tunes are banging. I don't think I've lost anything I would be surprised if you don't have receipts from 2003 that's the thing I've got everything neatly about your Xbox Live status oh do you know what yeah

I'd get my old Xbox profile back if there's anyone from Microsoft listening he wants to reinstate that account oh I can't remember yeah but you can probably just google your life no probably not probably not best to bring it up um yeah but it was yeah yeah that game yeah that game a score i'd get back because that was years of work But I was quite highly ranked in the world on a specific game and then just have it all taken away

because you've got into some sort of heated discussion about stereotypes. What was the heated discussion about? French. The French? Yeah. What was your stereotype? Just about surrendering and stuff like that. Yeah.

Used to shout at 15-year-old French kids. Nobody knew how old they were. It was just... I couldn't hear how old they were. Your honour. He said they were 17. What? Like little confused French kids.

But why would you say this? 18-rated game. Like, if you... Get off it! Oh, I know what I'd have back in the box say this? 18 rated game. Like, if you... Get off it! Oh, I know what I'd have back in the box. What? My virginity. Oh, would you start again?

Oh, yeah, I'd go back to... I'm not wasting it on Laura. That'd be a valuable thing, wouldn't it? Wow. Oh, yeah. If I was a virgin again with two kids at 42, that's valuable. To who?

Why? What? Who's it valuable to? Well, fuck you, Freddie Quinn. No, no, no, no. Who's going? Do you know what I want? A 42-year-old virgin that somehow...

There's definitely women out there that that's their kink. Yeah, but look at the state of them. There's no fit woman that has that as a kink, is there? There's no supermodel that's like, yeah, I just want to fuck 42 year old virgins with two children and no complicated family life like fuck that shit she sounds sexy though freddie yes i've got a bit of a strange kink 42 year old father why all english then james She doesn't say English numbers.

Nine. I think, yeah, German's a sexy accent. I could see why you went there, Jim. German's good. Yeah. French is good. Do it, do it. Deutschland.

Deutschland. What's the least sexy accent? It's one from this country. No, that's quite hack, isn't it? Let's go international. Let's stay international. I'm going with... God, I've really painted myself into a box here, haven't I?

Dutch. Dutch. When they're talking their own language, they sound like Sims. Fuck my ash. Yeah. Fuck my ash. Do it now. The hippity hippo-ra.

They sound great. Oh, I like Afrikaans. No, I don't mind Dutch. It's like fucking... A dolphin. It's like fucking Diantwoord, isn't it? Like, that'd be amazing. I have to say Mandarin. Sounds a lot yeah mandarin's quite tonal and it's it's a lot in it yeah yeah yeah do you know what

i mean the mandarin accent you don't like no not the accent the language the sound of the language oh are we doing are we doing are we doing are we doing international What's the least sexy accent on an international lady? Chinese. I changed my answer. Oh, no, I'm going to say the same thing. You sound like Barry in that restaurant. Fucking hell. Australian? Australians?

No, some of the squeaky ones. That one of them. Oh, yeah. Pack and rot. Yeah, exactly. Thomas Green doesn't have a sexy i would go with i'd go with south africa i thought so or the not the africans kind of like you know because that's cool i don't like the sort of like you know like the kind of like yeah i don't know to look at my dick and go, fucking prone. What?

What do you got to do with this? What film is that? District 9. Fucking prones. Yeah. I like films. I know what's about things that I enjoy. What's your favourite film, Freddie?

Why? Truman Show. Why? It's a good film. You've never been tempted to start a film podcast? No. Why? Podcasts are shit.

I saw another question on TikTok. It would be amazing watching Freddie upset the Muslim community via a podcast about the Truman Show. This week, we're offending random groups of people talking about films. Get ready. Buckle up for this one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's another question of people talking about films. Get ready. Buckle up for this one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's another question.

The film up is actually a critique of Judaism. Shut up. You're in a building for a year. You've got no contact with anybody else. And you've got no internet. A thousand wanks. Not a film. You can take a copy of it, actually.

With Zoe Deschanel. A thousand wanks, but about 200 of them imagination one film one album and one book but that's all you can have would you even

I mean I was gonna say I just fucking have you decided you're taking over prep this week right I'm just gonna try these that's all you've got

for a year by the way no other entertainment um yeah i wouldn't even bother with the album i've never listened to an album so it's ridiculous it's absolutely ridiculous i think that's it armageddon erasure best of erasure greatest album yeah the best of erasure alan partridge yeah. The best of Erasure. Alan Partridge. Yeah, yeah. The best of. All right. Armageddon, chorus by Erasure,

and probably the Bible. Honestly. Fuck off. Fuck off. You've got a year to kill. The Bible? Yeah. Why?

Because you'll never finish it. That's a book you want. The one that bores you. No, but like, have you read it? No, it's shite. How do you know you've not read it? I don't know, it's shite. Yeah.

I've heard people talk about it. It sounds shit. But yeah, but... The Barbie movie sounds shit, but everyone's in love with it. So you never know. I don't know anybody who's read the Bible cover to cover anyone uh i'm gonna go with every priest from cover to cover stop you're making this out like it's a 50 000 page book you could you could read it in a week no freddie it's boring

doing the bible the old testament included cover cover, in a week would be... It wouldn't be a great week. It'd be a shit holiday. It'd be a shit... Being the Bible on the beach. He's down at the beach again. He's only at Corinthians. He's having a fucking nightmare.

All right, what film are you going with and what book? So I would go with Armageddon, Chorus by Erasure, and the Quran. Those are my three. No, I would go with Armageddon, Chorus by Erasure, and The Quran. Those are my three. No, I would, I'd go with... Unlikely second reference of the day. The one film I would go with... Oh, do you know what I really love watching

over and over and over again? Moneyball. Good film, well-paced. It's a good film, innit? And it's got loads of like good bits uh album wise anything like i don't now that's what i call music 2003 like why not you know i'll listen to yeah by usher over and over again why not um dan Dan? Book? I don't care. I don't want a book. Not really. Maybe.

Maybe an encyclopedia. How about that? Good choice. You can learn. That's a good, yeah. I don't know anyone that's read one

cover to cover. Dan, what are you going with? I think we're going to pick the same film. The same film? Mm-hmm. Go on.

Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. Ah, no. No? That's your favourite film? No. It could be very rewatchable, though. And very easy to watch. Yeah, I can see myself going for Avatar.

Because it's really long. I've never seen it. I'm a fan of James Cameron. There's just something about Avatar that I don't think I'm going to like, but I will watch it. I'm going to take the Barbie movie just to annoy Barry.

But not even like the real one, just one of the ones they get on Netflix for kids. Like an animated one. Barbie's Dreamhouse. I could probably go, yeah, maybe Pulp Fiction. I don't know if you want to re-watch it over and over again, but it's so incredible.

Album. Oh, what? Again, I can't go something new because I might get sick of it. No, I think it might be a bit heavy. Snoop Dogg. Doggy style. I've never listened to that album and not enjoyed it and I go

book the Hungry Caterpillar same reason it's mad it's just dead hungry it just keeps going a year's way too long it's almost like

anything that you pick doesn't matter because after two weeks you'll be fucking sick like you know what I mean should we do some simple pleasures let's go just simple pleasures whether you agree that it's a simple pleasure that people people have been throwing them in see what you think freddy if you disagree just call them a simpleton and we're gonna do it speed round again because I'm in the mood.

I'm in the mood for a bit of a speed round. So just to quickly define what a simple pleasure is. Here's an example. One of our best ones ever was, do you know when you've got water in your ear and you do that and the warm feeling of it coming off? Perfect. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or when you have athlete's foot. Go on. You itch it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, it's just when you have it. A simple pleasure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, it's just when you're Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been like itching it. The good example is

scratching an itch. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Although it is different if you've got athlete's foot. I've never had athlete's foot. How have you got athlete's foot? I have no idea.

Everyone athlete's foot. All right. Yeah. Speed round. speed round I'm sorry Barry when you're finished Stephen Ellie says a simple pleasure the first chip out of a bag

while you're driving back from the chipper so I can't listen to anything unless Barry's stopped laughing sorry sorry it was just really funny

look I'm a bad ad as well look Sorry. Sorry. It was just really funny. Look, I'm a bad lad as well. What do you mean as well? Just to see how you got athletes' foot. It's made him sweat. I am sweating. Ben Ballantyne says, having a huge shit where you feel your stomach is empty, then getting straight into bed.

What? No, that's weird. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the fang on? I could have just left it. Ben Ballantyne. What happened there? Is he wiping his ass?

It doesn't sound like it, does it? But I'm assuming. That's a man who is really worried about shit in the bed. That's what his simple pleasure is. He's like, phew, I'm not going to crap my bed during the night because my stomach is empty. Ben, you fucking child.

Can I, can I throw it out there? If I have a shit that late on at night, I'd then have a shower and go to bed. You should always have a shower after a shit unless you've got a hard time.

Oh, you should always have a shower after a shit. You're insane. What are you, you're walking around with a shitty asshole. You're all insane.

Fine. Yeah, but you can't have a shower I'm not asked about that at all Jerry Sue Ollerhead says

when something you've bought comes with batteries already in so you can enjoy it straight away no grow up you child does that make it sound

like a dildo though you are that makes it the way I'd felt there was a little enjoy it straight away so you can just enjoy it straight away I think that makes it

second hand I think I'd known that bit... You enjoy it straight away. I think that makes it second hand. I think I'd known that... What do you mean? It would suggest that... You know what you mean? No, it's a brand new thing that just comes... Out of a packet. Out of a packet with batteries.

I honestly just got batteries. Yes. Because the worst thing is having to find a little mini screwdriver. Yeah. Or the little noncy screwdriver. I honestly, as soon as I read that, I was like, that's for, that felt like it was dildo related. That was vibrate related.

No? Yeah. You charge dildos now, don't you? Cameron Payne says, when you drop your phone and you're 98% sure it sounded like your screen smashed, you turn it over

and see it's in perfect condition. That's a great shout. Yeah, I can get on board with that one. Screens don't really smash as much as they used to, do they? Are they getting stronger? Yeah, I think so. Because I used to smash my iPhone all the time. I've not done it for...

Have you got a case on it? I've always had a case on it. Oh, right. I haven't smashed mine in such a while. Joey Westhope says, pulling all the hair out of a hairbrush at once. Yeah, I love it. That is fire.

Oh, it's mad. mad i'm doing all the time ah yeah i agree i've never had that feeling in my life i don't think i've ever used hairbrushes right well i'm gonna move on to little annoyances and i'm gonna throw one out when i have to clean out this isn't we roll in now because adam can't do positive for too long so it's worked out that we do the flip side of this go from simple pleasures to little annoyances, sort of pet peeves. When your golf clubs aren't properly maintained or whatever, when you're fucking hot, what?

He's done that? He tried to clean them on the tree and didn't understand why we called him a super-peedophile? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Super-peedophile. Yeah, super-peedophile. My little annoyance is when... Now that is a Marvel film.

Can you stop that bank robber? No, but I can fuck his kids. Why would his kids be at the bank? That's the one film I'm watching. That's the one film. The super pedophiles. so sad that the bank robber couldn't get childcare what did he say

this is a state of the story government when I have to clean hair out of the hoover as a bald man that's what

I fucking hate it it's the the roller yep horrible I have to cut it I've got animals as well lord pets I fucking hate it. It's the roller. Horrible. I have to cut it. I've got animals as well.

Pets. Better way of saying it. Speed round on little annoyances. Chris Gannon says, the cunts who camp at the boarding gate at the airport so that they're on the plane faster than everyone else. Wankers. Pricks. And they take your fucking real estate of your baggage above your seat yes throw it on the floor it's the only

reason it's the only reason to queue up if you're doing a short haul flight and you haven't got hold luggage like if you if you're getting on and you do need storage space then you're if you get it in there first it can't get too full because if Because if it gets too full, that has to go in the hold. And then you have to wait for it on the conveyor belt. But I also just think, just calm down, everyone. You know what Terika did last night? She was on the front row.

And when she got there, someone had used her bin. So she had to put hers like 15 rows down. But at the end, when they all stood up, she refused to move until someone passed her her bag. Good on her.

And she was mine, so pass me mine and they passed it along who did that Celica nice that is fucking power play you definitely

fucking bottomed to her don't you you definitely bottomed to her anything she wants there is no way in hell that she subs for any man she is a fucking killer

I like that girl a lot I'm not just any man for any I know this I couldn't handle her I tried I don't handle it. I tried. I don't know if that's your real estate. It fucking is. It is.

That is. That's your chair and that's your... Not if you wander on late and everyone's already on the plane. I'll tell you what it is. It's like parking outside your house. Like it should be yours, but if it's busy,

you just got to fucking find a space yeah yeah yeah but you get pissed off and someone's in it who the fuck's that yeah it's still not yours it's still not yours no the one but it is because but it's not if everyone just used the one above there's then there's no problem is there no but there's if everyone has a bag if everyone has one of them fucking 20 not 20 kilogram 10 kilogram bags literally everyone on the plane there wouldn't be room in the overheads so there isn't set space above my sheets don't get me wrong i know exactly what you mean if i was on there and i got on and some couldn't put all of it i'd be like great but there is if you are last on you are going to struggle

if everyone's got that baggage can i tell you what my little annoyance is and you've probably already had this already but it's the thing that annoys me probably more than anything else in the world and it is people who are in a queue to pay for something and do not have the wallet or the form of payment out in their fucking hands ready to pay it oh my god what do you think was going to fucking happen? Do you think they were going to let you have it for free? Shut the fuck up. Have it in your hand. Have your phone in your hand,

ready just to go, bumf, and then you're off. Oh, pisses me off. It drives me insane. So you're like, that's how, that level of annoyance is what I get about people who drive in the middle lane.

That is my... There should be snipers poked on every bridge. I totally agree. Totally agree. Blow their heads off. Like, oh, the rage. I beep as I go past. Oh, when you've got to come...

Oh, yeah, yeah. If I've got to do something dangerous, I'm like, fucking move. Gob shite. Do you ever look at them? Do you ever go right up close behind them? Or have a good look at them as well and you go I think the problem is

people calling it the middle lane because it's not it's the overtaking lane yeah and when people go oh I'm in the fast lane yeah no it's not though is it

it's the second overtaking lane do you ever go full beam on them just get up close behind just bang full beam that is one of my go to moves yeah but it's yeah that'd be a shit way

to get three points wouldn't it who's giving you three points if you if a policeman sees you full beam someone in the middle in that excuse me in the overtaking lane i think you you could get done as well should get a handshake i think yeah yeah well done sir this cunt's been driving for 40 i'd point out that if they were doing their job properly that couldn't be exactly in for that long all right yeah they love that they love yeah take the moral high ground with the police they really enjoy the police were doing 23

and a 30 by hours a day and it was in an unmarked car so sara goes up the last and then he pulled off went are you aware of safe stopping distances i didn't say that but you're like oh yeah sorry i was like you fucking cunt she's going seven miles an hour no longer limit do you know the way i'm saying stopping distances fuck off big cunts oh my god i'm honestly i'm kind of with you i i i feel sorry for police in a way because i think nine out of ten police are sound and they're just trying to do their jobs just a power but the one that you get that's a fucking arsehole, is, they're enough to ruin your fucking lives. And they have such a power trip. And they have the power to be a pain in the ass. They have such a fucking power trip.

I was on my phone with the lights of the day. You're not meant to be. Yeah. And the police, like, went, put your phone away, which is a nice thing to do.

Cool. Like, put it away. I was like, oh, I'm sorry. And then the next day, you're going to have safe stopping distances.

You're going too slow. Move. I got, I pulled out. What do you mean? Hang on. I'm not just trying to play devil's advocate. What do you mean? We're on a 30 road. Yeah're going too slow. Move. I pulled out. What do you mean? Hang on. I'm not just trying to play devil's advocate. What do you mean?

We're on a 30 road. Yeah. Which is 35, let's be honest. It's not, but go on. I mean, it's not. Not what to every driver it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they were doing 23.

So to compensate that, Serica drove up their arse. As in like, come on, move out the way. What are you doing? Yeah, so what do you want them to move? Like park up just to let you do speed. No, speed up to the speed. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Go 30. Get up to 30. Why are you doing 23? What for? Yeah, but it's two rights and a wrong, isn't it? You're going, you're too slow, so I'm going to drive dangerously behind you

to prove a point. So they are always going to pull you over for that, aren't they? No, no, but if they they did 30 then serica couldn't have done it they would be on oh i'll do whatever i want and i can complain at you yeah i could have been alongside me and speed up in our bed yeah what she's basically doing is in in a roundabout way she's going unless you drive slightly more quickly i am going to be happy crashing into the back of you and paralyzing you and that's just fair enough you do multi-c crashing into the back of you and paralyzing you. And that's fair enough. You do multicrash into the back of someone at 23

and paralyzing them. Yeah, but she's a hell of a woman. I don't know if you've ever seen her crash at 23. I once... Barry, with the, actually, I've thought of a way. You want to paralyse someone. Motorbike cyclist.

I once pulled out a junction and it was like two lanes. I pulled out the junction. There was loads of fucking time, but the car next to me sped to the side of me and it was like this bald guy going, whoa, whoa, whoa, like that. And so I went, fuck off.

And then he went right behind me and turned his lights on yeah i got i got pulled up um and it was oh it's fucking yeah yeah i got pulled up and um it was it turned out that that guy was like a police he's the only guy in lancashire licensed to be able to carry a gun whilst on duty and they just caught somebody and so he had to ring in for a road traffic person and they took my car off me no no they they did a thing where you have to get it mot'd and then show the mot certificate again to like the police before you can drive it properly it's a right fucking pain in the ass and all because i went what did you do wrong take your hands off the wheel what they did is they uh

they went and they started checking my tires and they were like oh i think that's low tread i think that's all like that they were just trying to get anything what happened initially sorry to cause you to go i'd pulled out okay i thought there was loads more than enough space which there was but the guy in the car behind pulled to the side of me and he was like what what and so i went fuck off like that and then he turned his lights on please sounds like a gobite again pig cunts yeah and I'll tell you what it is that bloke's been running around

with his fucking stupid little gun chasing criminals he's got all pent up and then on his way back to the station he's been like I'm fucking John McClane me and then I've gone

go fuck yourself you bald cunt and he's gone I wish it was Serica that had been in front of him that would have been fucking great and then there'd have been a shooting that would have been brilliant Serica would have shot him

taken the gun off him you can't handle this you're not man enough I'm not going to sort of get in your head I'd have pulled you over as well I would have pulled

you off big promise do people still email you asking for advice? Is the have a word bit of have a word still a thing? Yeah. Is the have a word bit of have a word still a thing? I mean, if you want to do one, we can do one.

Yeah, let's do one. Are you sure? Yeah, I'm in the mood. Freddie wants to give some more advice, I think. Freddie's... Hang on, do you want to do advice? Or do you want to do a have a word? I don't understand what the difference between those two things is.

All right, cool. Well, we're going to do some advice then. Let's have a big difference. Here's an example. Help me. My nan keeps robbing me money. Advise on what I should do. Or have a word.

My nan keeps robbing me money. Have a word. Tell her to stop it. Do you know what? Now that Freddie said it out loud, I can see the issue with it. We're going to do some have a words. Imagine if the patrons just

started falling off now hey wait a minute it's a lie we're gonna do some have recently rebranded have a word this this is from jamie he says hi lids need some serious family advice to have a word basically my dear old grandma passed away recently and left me in her will her holiday home in cyprus only problem is fucking sorry only problem is my mum was a signatory on the property ownership and is pressuring me to give her the property as it's the right thing to do my mum and her mum had a very hit and miss relationship and obviously my grandma put the property in my name during one of their falling outs but the property is worth about 150

grand and could give me a huge head start in life. Do I give the property to my mum which is probably the right thing to do considering the amount of money she's put into it when my grandma was alive or do I sell it and ignore my mum's wishes since it's her fault that my grandma put it in my name in the first

place. Any help with this loves name in the first place any help with this loves lids love any help with this love if you could have a word that would be great and i definitely wrote that it was from jamie uh tough unlucky this mom sounds like a knobhead yeah yeah mom's another. Check out granny getting fucking railed in her little Cyprus sex house. Dirty bitch. Just tell your mum now. Say it's full of pictures of her pussy.

So if she's the signatory, then what else has been left in the world? Hang on, hang on, Freddie. Kyle, you're just having a yellow card for several pig cunts and I'm like, you have full of pictures of your pussy? Oh, so just an accumulation? Yeah, yeah just an accumulation there's been a few niggles so so

the signatory what else was left in the will because if you're if you're keeping hold of this house but there's loads of other cool shit then your mum's gonna go well fuck you you're if you're keeping all this house but there's loads of other cool shit then your mom's gonna go well fuck you you're not having the freddie great i'm glad because there's a second part also there's a treasure map there's a some hidden treasure on a map so that is an interesting point what else has been left? enjoy that house

a lamp with a genie in it some doubloons no but it's not like it's not like you go hi this is my will a single house in Cyprus is it? yes it is no it's not

what are you on about? you can leave a property to someone in your will sure but that's not going to be the only thing that a will is consisted of. A singular house, not in this country. Surely she probably owns her own house. Is he going to get cut out of that?

No, hang on. So from what I've got, basically the inheritance from his grandma is the house in Cyprus worth 150 grand. That's the juiciest one. That's the juiciest apple in it. I think what it is, is that her inheritance

comprises of many things that are going to be split equally, but his granny has gifted him the house in Cyprus. So mum's getting loads of other stuff. But I'm assuming that mum wants to go, hey, look, come on, the right thing to do

is to put the house into this pot. And do you know what? To be fair, she's actually right. Because he can't expect a split of the pot and his own house. I think you're making up a split of the pot. No, there's no split of the pot. Hang on, hang on.

You've made up this split of the pot. He said, in the will, my nana has left her holiday home in Cyprus to me. If that's the case, and he's not getting a percentage of the rest of the estate i'd be a bit defensive about like if that's the only thing she's leaving by the way grandma's a shithouse she is causing mayhem she's like i know i'll fuck i know i'll fuck everyone up if you leave only one thing and it's the holiday home it's going

to cause murders but if mom's getting the rest of the estate, I think this guy's got to dig his heels in a bit and be like, yeah, no. If mum's getting the rest of the estate, if she's keeping the estate for herself, then the guy should keep the property, fine. But he's not allowed to ask for a split of the rest of the estate.

No, you don't get a split. He has been left the house. That is his. And then it's not like, oh, and everyone else gets a split. His only claim to her estate is the house. That's his. Sure. It's not like, oh, and everyone else gets a split. His only claim to her estate is the house. That's it. But her as the signatory,

she might have plans to equally split and apportion the estate. It doesn't fucking sound like it. It's not going to be 150 Gs. She's like, fuck off. That's my house. And she talks like that.

Rent it to her if she wants it that much. Oh, what a baller move you can have it two grand a month I don't know though it's your mam innit yeah but she sounds like a knobhead

would you not want to just keep things sweet yeah I'd keep it sweet while I was in Cyprus keep it sweet over the phone you can come up to three weeks

of the year you pick two in Easter one in June lots of love from Cyprus it's a voicemail sorry i couldn't get you you're still working you know why because you've not inherited a fucking house you miserable bitch i've been selling it straight away i i can't think of anything well i can't think of many things worse than a house in cyprus but i think like

the house being in cyprus is a no-no for me. I've said it before. Cyprus just sounds shit. It's not. It's great. It's really not. The food's fucking great. The weather's really good. The Turks are in a different part of the island. It's so good.

I just assumed it was the Greek side. Yeah, it's not in Turkey. What are you talking about? Northern Cyprus is Turkish. No, but it's not in Turkey, is it? Yeah, but it's Turkish, John. Cyprus? Yeah, halfway. I thought it was Greek. What? It's Greek, but it's not in Turkey, is it? Yeah, but it's Turkish, John. Cyprus? Yeah, halfway.

I thought it was Greek. What? It's Greek, isn't it? The southern part. Ask Peter Andre, he knows. Hang on. Isn't there a... Isn't there a...

Right. Famous Cypriot. Isn't there a half Turkish... Half a Cyprus is Turkish? Yeah, I think so. Thanks, Harry. Half Welsh? I don't know.

Sell it before she's cold. I'm getting a house in Turkey. That's all I'm thinking about. That's all I'm thinking about right now is the murder that's going to cause. Hang on. Whose house are you getting in Turkey? My dad's.

And not your brother and your sister? There's three houses. What? What's Pueblo getting? Nothing. Oh, yeah, they broke up, didn't they? They did. They broke up.

Like One Direction. Finn, I hope you're happy here. I didn't want to do your job appraisal on a pod direction Finn I hope you're happy here like I didn't want to do your job appraisal on a pod but I hope you're happy here yeah and I don't know

what your dad's health is like but I'd like to he's a smoker and a diabetic superb patron special next three years from your new house

in Cyprus yeah do it up like grand designs yeah yeah can we have one now he's not living in three of them is he no they're being rented out

fucking he's greedy I've said it I think it would make a phenomenal Patreon special is it haunted no Barry

it's not he's still alive I've just thought of a Patreon special see if I sit down someone died in there changing rooms my great nan died

in one of the houses go on I remember that's one of of the houses go on I remember that's one of like your early core memories I remember going to see watching your great aunt die yeah yeah

follow them follow them I remember going yeah he still remembers the spider man tattoo she died upside down just remember going hey by the way Freddie great production direction there to move us on to

this thank you really well thank you it's fine you remember your great aunt dying no i don't i didn't watch her that i remember like they were like you go and see her now because we get when we were little we get ferried about all these these people we were exotic so they'd be like and you'd go and kiss the hand and all that shit and you remember it i remember being taken she was When we were little, we'd get ferried about. All these... We were exotic. So they'd be like... And you'd go and kiss their hand and all that shit. And you remember it? I remember being taken. She was called Nina.

I think that's like great-nan is Nina. Isn't it Nana as well? I don't think that's Turkish. That's on the Greek side of the answer. She looked like... Honestly, like Mother Teresa. Nana Coco. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Nana Coco. Remember me. Although I have to say goodbye. Total jump. they like like yeah yeah yeah yeah remember me although I have to say goodbye like a little I'm still standing you're lying down shit man it's not haunted though is it

did you kiss a dead hand no oh no I've not kissed any dead hands yeah so I'll be getting a a property in Turkey oh that's so nice sick

cool it's got aircon we're doing changing rooms by the way I've just great show we all get a room each in where somebody left us in their house Sick. Cool. It's got air con. We're doing changing rooms, by the way. I've just... Great show. We all get a room each. In where?

Someone who lets us in their house. Finn's house. Finn's new house. We need a new bathroom. I'll do that. Yeah, cool. You get a boss toilet. Right, boys,

let's call that a pod. It's been an absolute pleasure. Freddie Quinn, what have you plugged in? Listen to me podcast, Dead Men Talking. If you like dark humour and stuff, if you don't, then fucking avoid it at all costs.

And chugs a follow on Instagram, instagram.com, well, what am I doing? Yeah, instagram.com. It's... It's... Go on, go on. It's at Freddie Quinn, Freddie with a Y,

Q-U-I-W-W... Oh, I don't know. I don't know. Just follow me on Instagram. I'm trying to go on tour next year, so that'd, W, I don't know. Just follow me on Instagram. I'm trying to go on tour next year, so that'd be fucking great, wouldn't it? Barry, the Worriers pod. Go to the Worriers pod if you certainly don't dog you,

but it's a lot more reserved and gentle and fucking fretful and anxiety-filled. Usually the opposite of each other in their podcast world, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You sort of like balls out and we're just like, oh my God, that's so, that doesn't upset someone.

We've tried to get Hayley on so many times and she's like, not on your fucking life. No chance. Which is a shame. And there's us just, you know, in the middle. In the middle lane.

The blares of this world. Tony and Shadi. It's been an absolute pleasure, ladies and gents. Adam is back next week. We've got some music to see us out. Not on the YouTube, just on the audio. We have a band from Scotland called The West Order, and this is their tune girl without a name nice

um go and check them out thanks for every time appreciate you see you Why are you over there? The sunlight shining through your hair The girl without a name Don't care for you Or even me Cause life is not a fantasy Open up your eyes and you will see She had her very own tragedy

She can't even look you in the eyes Taking everything to hold back you Why are you doing listen to me? You know you have me so I'm not the one you see tonight It's not time to cry It's time to help me breathe again I just can't help but wonder why Is this what you do?

Or is this just a side of you That I won't ever get used to Or get to know Those emotions you don't show Are digging you further into the unknown Well, I don't go No wonder I can see you cry That sunlight's got to burn your eyes

Why you doing this to me? You're going at me so I'm crying and everyone is saying Tonight, it's too tight to cry I'm in trouble, I'm crying, everyone is so nice Too tired to cry, to help me regain my sight I just can't help it, why? Thank you. Yn ystod y cyfnod, mae'r cyfiddordeb Mae'n ddim yn fawr i mi Mae'n ddim yn fawr i mi Mae'n ddim yn fawr i mi

Mae'n ddim yn fawr i mi Mae'n ddim yn fawr i mi Mae'n ddim yn fawr i mi Mae'n ddim yn fawr i mi Mae'n ddim yn fawr i mi Mae'n ddim yn fawr i mi Mae'n ddim yn fawr i mi Mae'n ddim yn fawr i mi I just can't help but wonder why Why don't they see me? I'm gonna die in a minute

I'm gonna cry And what do they say tonight? Too tough to try What's gonna help me again? I just felt the one you