Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #239 with Jamie Hutchinson & Rich Wilson - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: August 27, 2023

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Welcome to this week's episode of the Have A Weird Podcast, ladies and gentlemen. My name's Adam Rowe, and that's Dan, aren't you? Yeah, I am. Dan Nightingale. This is our podcast. It is. We're both going on tour separately. You start in August, I start in September. Going all over the gaff. Tickets for my tour at adamrowe.co.uk and tickets for Dan's tour at... DanNightingale.com

Ahead of that, you've got some previews coming up, danspreviews.com. Yeah, very few tickets left, but tickets are selling out for both these tours. Get them now to avoid disappointment. And of course, if you're a long-time listener of Have A Word, you will know that we have got one of the biggest and best Patreons on the planet and the biggest in the United Kingdom.

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You get a brand new special every single month, back catalogue included. Legendary. The Nashville special was huge. We went to Amsterdam. you get a special you get a brand new special every single month back catalog included legendary the nashville special was huge we went to amsterdam we've done two ghost hunts we've taken over a restaurant and there's loads more on top of that i think we're up to something like 20 plus patreon specials and then the famous lock-ins when we get hammered in here with our mates some of the best podcasting we've ever done patreon.com slash have a weird pod sign up for just three quid a month you do get more benefits the more you sign up for but everyone gets all of the content that we put on there and on top of that

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You're listening to the funniest podcast in the game from the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only Have A Word. Brought to you by Manscaped, the very best products on the market for below the waist grooming. Go Ed, get on me.

And welcome to Have A Word. Hey! You're not Adam. I'm not Adam. You're Jamie Hutchinson. I've done fucking good for himself. I'm not Adam. I'm Jamie Hutchinson,

but I'm back. And the third seat, I've sat on. I've just got Carl's and Finn's to go. That would be a really weird sub in if we were like, listen, Jamie, Finn's away.

Yeah. Can we have the big hitter of Northwest podcasting? I can't spell so I'll mess up your subtitle anyone going to do the joke no well that would be bad

I'm the shit anyway you're all technically harboring a fugitive right now why you could be in trouble you could be in trouble

you could be in trouble I didn't see nothing which which authorities I'm on the run Interpol me mum now why what you you could be in trouble you could be in trouble you could i didn't see um which i'm on the authorities i'm on the run interpol my mom ah right okay yeah grounded technically why but i've just how old are you jamie i'm 32 and a half right so when's what jurisdiction does she have over here with grounding this is still going i went london yesterday at london yeah you didn't have permission no but i came back at like half 10 um train was delayed um so i got back at half 10 my mom's in bed because she's got a double cleaning shift in the morning fair play do you know what i mean

i've lost when you're gonna retire come on that's gotta be get her down to one clean i've only just got some new bed sheets from dunnellm. 63 quid, I spent. Mate. It's fun in there. It's like sleeping in an aero. I don't... I've never thought of that. I'm worried that it's going to change you, JB.

The magic's happening when you... I know, I'm sorry. It's like some jizz stain fucking... Last time I changed my sheets, the list trust was PM. Now I'm in my Sunak era. So I went to London yesterday, now i'm in my sunaka hero so i went london yesterday yeah i got back my mum was in bed i've lost my key i've lost my key in it so right oh little sushi one yeah yeah well i got a i got a thai green curry rice bowl nice um yeah but because i've got like dyspraxia or something thick um i had uh

you know my pouch of my bag yeah i use that as like a wallet sort of thing so my car charger sensible etc and i realized i went to pay went oh shit my card so i got it out the world has found my bag right so I'm running after me. Hugo boss aftershave picked up my toothbrush and then I've just forgotten. I've left me on the floor in it too. Wow. Single key, single key,

just the house. No, but it had a, it had a Spyro Spyro key ring. Nice. The dragon, the dragon. Nice.

That's sick. Yeah. Uh, with mine, it's my mom's spare one because i previously lost my yellow key oh you're so you're on a fucking final warning i'm on bare keys mate on bare eletions um so i couldn't find my key i'm like try and ring my mom and she's not answered three times because what time is it i have 10 right but i can't knock on the door waking up sleeping mum is just absolutely yeah he's done you're dragging in it you don't wait the dragon i've

only got 14 i've got no key but i'm an urban survivor as we've well documented i can survive on the streets well i've gotten where you grew up yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I went with my dad because he had a spare. Just put me in any situation, any habitat, I will survive. I'll forage. I'll ring my dad. You know, one of them two.

Probably both. So I went with my dad and he's like, oh, Robbie, you're the me lad. So now I'm regretting ringing my mum three times because she's going to figure it out. She's a clever woman. He's ringing three times and then he comes in 45 it out. She's a clever woman. He's ringing three times

and then he comes in 45 minutes late. He's urban survived to his dad's. Yeah. To get back. So now I know I'm grounded. Oh, you don't even, you haven't had the paperwork? I've not seen her.

No. Oh shit. Is there no one else with a spare key that you can go and get a copy done? No, my brother's in Portugal. Why don't you get loads of spare keys made and just hide them somewhere? Like a go bag for the gangsters.

A couple of weeks ago, I got locked in my house because I couldn't find my key inside the house. And it's one of those PVC doors. Probably a fire hazard, really. What, not being able to get out of a house? Yeah, it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm not an expert. That sounds bad, doesn't it? John, you need to unlock it. If you just leave the key in, it's technically locked because the person from the outside can't get in. You don't have to lock it and take the key out. So I had to get my dad to come down.

You nearly broke Jamie. Oh, yeah. I had to get my dad to come down to free me. Yeah. And he went, where's the spare key? I went, I have no idea. So where's where's the spare key I went I've no idea so I couldn't find

the spare key anywhere and then he spoke to me my mum my mum went the spare key's on the key rack your dad went

why didn't you check the key rack and we've got a key rack I've no idea where the key rack is where is the key rack I still don't know

where it is right well that's listen I respect your mum I've lost a key rack but that should be next to the door shouldn't it no i think no whoa what whoa you keep your key rack next to the door it's not electronic stupid sorry carl you you keep your key rack three streets over no but what if a guy comes in with a fishing rod yeah exactly he can have what

he wants because he's a genius my letterbox is at the bottom of the door the key rack is a meter and a half up the wall maybe not but like hi if you can get a fishing rod in and get you can have whatever you want you're fucking you don't have to get a fishing rod then just knock the door down they've got all the cars and the key to the house just knock the door down yeah if you kicked your door in and just look there you should access to everything what i do is pick the lock and nick your key rack

because there's a lesson actually unscrew the key rack that is such a baller move isn't it put the keys back though to me instead of just taking all the keys just take the whole key rack

with everything hanging off it key rack on the black market that happened to somebody I know the this is not a joke they ran into his house because they knew where that was

it was by the back door and just ragged it off the wall and was like right we've got two cars and we've got keys to the house where was everyone

out everyone was out with all and all the keys for everything are still there like back doors and cars yeah

some people go out not in the car which is wild so just hang on the guy's broken in yeah and the keys are all is wild. So just, hang on. The guy's broken in. Yeah.

And the keys are all hung up. Everyone's just gone for a walk. No, maybe his name was Martin. He might have been in school. Right. His mum could like... I think once they're in the house, though, they've got, aren't they in the house? You're like, oh, now they've got the keys

to get back in the house. Do you know what I mean? I mean, the cars. Right. You shit yourself about got the keys to get back in the house do you know what I mean I mean the cars right you shit yourself about your car keys so much I love it

I'm just smart with my stuff I'll give you this concession at the end of like at the end of the night at bed and bowl

by his time I do sometimes take my keys upstairs and I'm like listen if you I'm not yeah I get what you mean even then

why have you got them with you you're not going to die why have you got them with you? You're not going to die for your car. Keep them safe in the house, but not with you. So where in the house? Away from the front door. Let them have a bit of a challenge to find them. Put it in the kettle.

Just put it in my fucking... Keep them... Father-in-law's ashes. There you go. Keep your keys on a spice rack. Any spice on a key rack? Well done. Well done done you've got some I fucking robbed

the house in the fucking Spanish Quarter of Hayton what have you got some cinnamon yeah they're getting seasoned food

but you've got a car I used to I won't need no I won't tell that story I can't do that I'll tell it and then cut it when I used to work

in a place and I was manager I used to keep the keys in a cupboard and I labelled the drawer spare spiders because no one's ever going to open that drawer, are they? Because there's spiders in there. And then the owner came in and went,

what the fuck are you doing? How is that story not going on the pod? When you do that thing of like, oh man, this has to be cut out. The spare spider story is the bit we're going to edit out. Keep that the fuck in. That's like going, I'll label the key drawer super secret.

No one is allowed in here. And then even the burglars will be like, oh, I'm gone. I've broken in. But there's a line. No, I thought it was smart. We've got a call. You're not going in going,

oh, I'll open that drawer because spiders will jump off. Now, Jamie, I'm throwing this out there. Yeah. You're on the run. Yeah. I'm on the run. You know. Now,

if she's grounded you, you've just assumed it. You know the woman. You know her form. I know she's a harsh judge, mate. Yeah. She's firm. Look at the man she's raised.

She knew you needed the whip, the stick. Less carrot. She used to hit me for being nervous. The whip and the carrot. She used to say me for being nervous. The whip and the carrot. Did you just say... That famous saying. Do they want the whip or the carrot?

Neither. Carrots are shit. There you go. Another punishment. I mean... But what if she's grounded you already? Just stay out, man. Just go...

You know, what is it? Two weeks? Just go on the... Just keep away from the house. Or does the grounding start from when you next see her? Just go on the fuck, just keep away from the house. Or does the, or does the grounding start from when you next see her? It starts from the bollocking.

I've got a face with sentencing. I suppose you're not in, are you? Yeah, yeah. I've got a face. Sorry, I interrupted you,

what were you saying? No, I've got a face, do you know what I mean? But I'm in Birmingham at the weekend so if we can get to Thursday, she would have calmed down the food. Yeah.

Do you know what I mean? You know, you're going on a national tour you know and that's important because people can't wait to see you're an amazing comedian jamiehitchcomedy.com yeah absolutely all the luck in the world with that yeah couldn't happen to a better you know fugitive yeah what what happens if she grounds you and you've got tour dates where's that i like today I've escaped to do this how does she Darwin

thank you I'm here against all odds how does she enforce the grounding puts my keys on the key rack I don't know where it is

can't leave just threatens him with the carrot I've got my dad's spare key but she doesn't know that oh so she locks you in the house

I mean locks us yeah I've got my dad's spare key, but she doesn't know that. Oh, so she locks you in the house? I mean, locks us. Yeah. Deliveroo can come through windows, though. Yeah, I'm fearful of going back, man. I don't think I ever got grounded when I was a kid. I used to get told I was grounded, but then I just went out again the next day. What was great when I used to get grounded,

she'll go up to your room, but then I could sneakily play my snakes and ladders league so i was like fucking i'm like oh no i'm not grounded am i oh what's jamie lad snakes i'll ask you what's the snakes and ladders league is one of the greatest games of all time right no snakes and ladders is this pre-internet this is yeah 2000 are you doing this on your own yeah it's more it's important to do on your own because people don't respect the rules are you in the league with anyone else no i'm i'm the administrator of the league is there any other players richard scudamore is there any is there any players apart from you yeah all right cool right no let me explain it's giant snakes and ladders

got to be giant you're the map version yeah and it's important this because you know the counters you get that connect yeah like plastic things yeah the plastic discs they they're connectable i.e lego sort of yeah duplo um you have a league so six counters red blue green yellow black and white they play each other three times yeah so say it's black against yellow the b derby i call it and then then whoever wins say black's on 100 and yellow's on 77 that's the score black wins by a goal difference of plus 23 and at the end you do a match of the day and you you you rearrange the points and it's a good result for green today they move out the relegation zone and go above red

do you want me red and blue is the a derby in it no red and blue is the derby green and yellow is the derby and black and white is our dab because black and yellow's the colour of bees Oh my god Oh you've got bees It's like a dream Big gulp of sneak Wake up and sneak Get jokes with sneak

No black and white's old classical I'd say that's like Super Sunday get jokes with sneaks no back on Whitehall Classico I say that's like Super Sunday who was the who was the United of the 90s who was the team

who was always winning who was always winning Green had a good run really yeah do you know Green I always associate with the four of hearts with the what four of hearts four of hearts do you know Green I always associate with the four of hearts

with the what four of hearts four of hearts because you know the Chambers Cup what's the Chambers Cup right so this is another game

I administered I love that you say it unless we watched it on the telly when we were kids this should have been on your trans world sport yeah

you're on that mate go on one of those like mad sports like Kabaddi or whatever yeah i really foreign was the word that everyone was like thinking well you know one of the mad sports from so all you need for the chambers cup is a pen a chambers dictionary A Chambers dictionary, A5 size, preferably, paperback, and a deck of cards and a dice.

Cool. Yeah. So this is like the FA Cup. Do you know what I mean? Go on. So you draw out the cards, and then you have to do, like the TV announcer goes, seven of diamonds, we'll play jack of clubs.

Nice. Eight of hearts, we'll play the of clubs. Nice. Eight of hearts. We'll play the eight of spades. Oh, an eight derby there. That's eight, Dan. That's because they're the same number. What did they eat? Because they're hungry.

And then you, whatever's the high profile game, you move to the bottom because that's the TV game. Do you know what I mean? Right. That's the headliner. Then you roll the dice. Whoever goes through, through goes through so you knock them all out you get to last 32 last 16 so to get to last 32 you need some groups of four and three because it's

52 playing cards so you need to make it divisible once you get to the final the final is a two dice roll so you're not out the game and four of hearts used to win that and the reason why you need the dictionary is the first page of the dictionary where it's just a white page you write a roll of honour do you know what I mean

and then you just then you put the card once you're knocked out you go face down so you're the last face up card and then you put it against the chambers cup and you pose a picture, you go face down. So you're the last face up card and then you put it against the Chambers Cup and you pose a picture

so you can't do it. You must have been, genuinely, you must have been the most inventive. Yeah. Are you an only child? Of course you're not an only child,

but you were of that age when you didn't have a brother. Yeah, I've had so many sports. Made up so many sports. Yeah, there's the Wolfpack game. There's Ty Baldo.

Do you still play these, be honest? No, no. I'd love to though. I'd love to get back into it. But when I was, when I was like,

you've got a career and a girlfriend and stuff, things in the way. 17 podcasts in a week. Ty Baldo's really had to take a fucking back seat. I was 10, 11. I was like, oh. No, no, it's Tanny Levin. I was like, oh my God,

this is just what I just love sports. I mean, I love football. I manage it so much. Essentially just, it's bed sheets in it, but that's what I like. What's Tanny Baldo? Ty Baldo.

Oh, Ty Baldo. Is what you need is bed sheets with Ty writing on, the old Ty design. You lay that down. Fight niche? Yeah, you lay that down, then you you lay that down then you get your cousin round and you just

what they keep you up here with the ball and if it and if it lands outside the court you've been Thai bar load these are sick games

it's a fucking min game mate worst one one of my worst moments when I let people into my world was playing Wolfpack yeah Wolfpack's sick

you'll love this I know you'll love this so Wolfpack again is league form so you need loads of sheets of paper pen to die tight

and you make fantasy in that stationery that young Jamie went through what do you want for Christmas Jamie A4 paper

loads of pencils more dice that's what I mean we're making toys I was in Ryman's mate so you make there's eight teams

in the league and you make your fantasy five-a-side team three current players and two legends so you just make that right oh this is so good and then i made i had names from wolfpack is what it's called the game quite unfairly because i had an affinity to wolfpack because they were unlucky losers they always got to the final and they never quite won and stuff there was keegan's

newcastle essentially right so one of the teams was called wolfpack yeah and you named the whole game the games in my memory has just become more like it was called like fantasy five side at first but it's like to me it's the wolfpack game but it's probably unfair don't you like them just because i love them you know what were the other team names that didn't get right so there's like Gorton Rovers and that's where I'm from now there was Gorton Rovers yeah

versus the Wolfpack the worst so the big rival rest is that because of the pub in Emmerdale no Wolf

Wolf there's the Wolfpack that's the Woolpack the Woolpack same thing against Queen Vic yeah

the Rovers return we'll play Wolfpack's big rivals right this is this is so gringy right their rival

young men running out of names I'm on the eighth name they were called TDQ and these are Mourinho's rolling around

Simeone's Atletico Dark Arts Dark Arts team TDQ the Dynamic Quintet and around that simeone's athletic dark arts dark arts team tdq the dynamic quintets so you do play for them so you well better tdq though isn't it sounds like a welsh league team that's sponsored by yeah i know wolfpack had desai and owen and i know that because of this next statement of admission um so you again you

roll the dice you know three points to win it's a it's a sick thing right so say if you won six four i don't like that it's too unrealistic so i have it as like two nil maybe three one and what i do is i then roll the dice to see who scored the goals do you know what i mean right so say if it was a five i'd go oh backstreet i got a brace do you know what i mean so because i had a top goal scorer chart as well so i had a system in place to see who scored i tried to divide it even like the striker got most of the goals and attacking midfield and stuff, but the dice ultimately rule the game. In the final, you have Wolfpack.

Wolfpack TDQ is your dream final, your classical final. It's a grudge match. It's two rolls and ones. I swear to God, people say this won't happen. Wolfpack got beat 12-11. It was fucking unreal. I know people say, this didn't happen,pack got beat 12-11 it was fucking unreal I know people say

this didn't happen lad that happened it was 12-11 why didn't you make it 1-0 well the final was 12-11 over two legs oh fuck

yeah it's a two leg final TDQ playing the football they usually play as well unbelievable so then I then I invited my cousin round I went oh I've got this

he went oh it's the worst yeah you come and play now I went nah nah I've got this he went oh it's the worst yeah you come and play now I went nah nah I've got I'm not doing anything what what's all them sheets of paper

I went ah this is game I went ah sick and he plays it with me and he loves it and I'm like oh get in and he went

yeah yeah come now we'll play it again now in the night I converted my bedroom into a club shop so i started like that would have loved to be in your friends you know so i moved my chest of drawers to make it look like

the till and then i just stuck up with sellotape printer paper drove from the computer printer drawing a flag another trick to Ryman's like a flag going what the fuck was it just a Wolfpack club shop it was a Wolfpack club shop it wasn't like the league shop

no no it was a club shop and I had like Desailly 5 and stuff like that all over and my mate came round and went

oh should we play a Wolfpack game again and I went yeah yeah check this out though and then I took him to my bedroom shown him my club shop

and he went lad what the fuck are you doing I was fucking bored do you know what's so sad was taking them down

do I had sales prices and everything like RIP £29.99 must go today Tano you had a clearance sale

it was it was it was one of the saddest moments you don't like it but check out the bargain bin there's loads of deals taking them all down

mate I thought you were going to say you just got around and went this is shit I hate it doing that sort of stuff

and you know when you're like this is what I do and then you introduce a mate to it and they just look at you like you're a fucking idiot one year for Christmas

one of my main presents was a typewriter. I used to play Final Score with myself. Do you know when it comes up on Football Focus? Final Score. Like a proper video printer style.

Yeah, like that. I was just like, Leicester 3-1, Heskey 72. That's what I just used to play on Saturdays oh you weren't doing the final score

you were doing the live scores no no I was just making it up on my own yeah but it wasn't like the end where they go oh no no

just as it comes through like there's been a goal oh shit there's been a goal at Filbert Street yeah yeah Muzzy is it 21 red card

that's us Very likely Yeah yeah So you just had Sheets and sheets Of made up Final scores Yeah yeah

And you're not The autistic one I think he is Even Dr. Catfoot Was like Mate I saw you right now Jesus

I bought myself A trophy from a... I asked my mum to take us to a trophy shop. I saved up birthday money because I used to ride my bike around on the front. I had two games. I had like a four-team league where I just played football. What I'd do is I'd design...

On your own? Yeah. I'd design the kits, but I was obsessed with either being Adidas, Asics, Nike, or Reebok. The big boys. And you could only play for that team if the club you played for was sponsored by that.

So like Nike at the time would have had like the Arsenal. It would have been about, I would have been at 13, 14. They would have had like Arsenal players and then some like the Inter Milan players. I had a bit of a soft spot for Asics. So I used to do that. And then I'd design the kits for the season. Oh yeah.

And they'd never changed colors. So Asics were yellow and black. So I think I would call them the wasps or something the bees what no they were they were the a's um uh and i also did a game with around the front on my bike on the pavements so you know like the curb would go down i'd have it attract so you're like yeah you have to go around that one oh yeah through that one that would be hours of my life and i was like, I'd get at the end and I'd do a presentation, but I'd be using fake stuff.

So I went to a trophy shop. I was like, mum, I want to go to a trophy shop. And I spent 15 pounds on a trophy. I was trying to spend more. And my mum just went, this is ridiculous. And you're not spending any money on it. So you can't spend any more money so i got a trophy about that because i never won trophies when i was a kid so i had to

buy my own and at the end of like i think it had i can't remember what it had on it like a i can't remember if it was a cyclist or something but i used to present it as the league trophy when i played the football and be like and i'd do the same thing of like pretending to do a photo shoot I'm glad someone's with me I wish I had a trophy I used shower gel bottles and a girl took a girl home and she

seen my shower gel bottles and you'd written on them? I'd written on them like I think Adam was the host then yeah when he sold this. I'd written like Peru in that joke as I played darts World Cup. Yeah, but I can't decide if my mum had been a dick about that, not letting me just buy. Because I was like pricing up.

Did you get it engraved? I don't, I'm not sure she let me. I think she's like, mate. Oh, I'm going to play some song. Permavirgin here. I used to draw a footy pitch out on a piece of paper and then get a pen and like

pass the ball around oh yeah and then Robbie Earl was always the top goal scorer Earl and Gail the crazy gang

but is that you making him be the top scorer no so I was sitting on my grandad's table in his house and I'd drawn it and I was like

oh Wimbledon are playing today was it Wimbledon yeah yeah I went because he used to call me grandad and we stillimbledon? Yeah. Yeah. I went, because he used to call me Grandad. We still do call him Alan.

He's still here. I went, Alan, who plays for Wimbledon? Who's the strikers? He went, Robbie Earl and Gail. What's his first name? Marcus Gail. I was like, right.

So it was like, they were the strikers. They were the only two people and Robbie Earl got about 15 goals that day. But that's just stuck in my head. So that's the Robbie Earl game to me. I love it. To anyone looking, it would have just been me running around the garden playing games. stuck in my head so that's the robbie ale game to me to anyone looking it would have just been me running around the garden playing games but in my head i was playing the

big nike adidas classico like it it was so important and i'd like it's so mad you're like maybe 12 10 11 years old in my head it was the most important thing like i'd given it a reason to be i just think it's important to document these things as well yeah i had the face card derby as well which is my other psd resistance is um and because playing cards are amazing because they have a clear ranking system do i mean so i had aces like you know your group one arses your thoroughbreds and the tubes are like the fucking divs do you know what i mean so i'd have things like the sevens and eights cup so you can only go in if you're a seven or an eight do you know what i mean or the spades open drop me and then it so i have a season in a day get my granddad to bet on it and that

but the betting odds move was in on it what you do is you shuffle the cards across and the first one such a skirting board wins and but what you do is you do the draw for the face card arbor 16 cards uh you know jacks to aces you shuffle them and there's a grand ceremony for the draw and then their odds declined if they're on the left hand side because i'm right-handed they go they've got a bad draw so ace of spades although it's the best horse it's got a really tough draw from stall one so it's hard to go so like two to one favorites like four to one maybe and one or near like jack of diamonds who's not the you know the most talented but if it gets out

it's one i mean so that could go in from eight to one to like four to one do you know, the most talented, but if it gets out, it's one. Do you know what I mean? So that could go in from eight to one to like four to one. Do you know what I mean? Genuinely, I know you're a busy person now, but I honestly think if it all just goes to shit, you know, like divorced and your career's gone fucked, I think you'll be all right, Jamie. Yeah, I'd just be so happy. All I need is...

Just invent games for single kids. All I need is... You might die in a house fire, but in the hours before when you can't find the key. Just save the cards. Jamie Hutchison die in a house fire but only children in the hours before when you can't find the key just save the cards Jamie Hutchison died in a house fire surrounded by cards

dice and Ryman's printer paper fucking hell this is how I wanted to go anyway it's a happy life though isn't it I loved it man

I just loved my own world do you know what I mean you didn't really have an option did you because you get to a point your mum and dad go no more TV plus it was shit anyway is that because and then you had to just go out and do stuff is that because you get to a point your mom and dad go no more tv plus it was shit

anyway is that and then you had to just go out and do stuff is that because you had a sister though didn't you you were a child no i'm not 15 years old let me so you grew up kind of when i was that age he was like in his 20s going well i had a cousin who's me and my cousin were conceived on the same day so we were like basically twins it was only it's only born four days apart i was conceived on the same day we was due on the same day and my mom had that you know i've talked about it before but my mom had the mattress in the room where my sister but her daughters my mom and her sister used to take turns with the fellas when's your birthday february 22 oh two days before me yes fucking pisces massive mate and daniel Daniel are Pisces, aren't you?

Yeah. You're big Pisces. Finn, what are you? Libra. Oh my God, we've employed a Libra. Why? With us as Pisces. I mean, people who are into this will know that's a mad combo.

Usually Pisces murder Libras, don't they? Yeah. They just shoot them in the face. Yeah. But we're pretty progressive here. No, we don't. We don't. We don i don't worry about when's libra september yeah yeah you should invent games for only children no it's called the internet they've solved it they've no but take it back to the old school don't want to play fortnite no more you want to play the

fucking there now this is so better mate analog beats digital man mate there's a little game thing that's available I bet it's like 50 quid and it says it's got 15,000 classic games on it just why would you has it got Tybaldo exactly it's got about 97 different versions of Street Fighter

me and Seneca play cards all the time oh mate no just cards We had a game called 13 Me and Steve played 13 On the train back from London For four hours Me and Callum invented a game

To London called War And we got all the Danny Macs playing it To the pub Danny Macs When it used to be mint Yeah before the Asians took over. Whoa! I'm going to... No, I'm right.

I'm sending that to VAR. Sounded bad. Okay. It's full of Thai women now. Is that bad? It's not legit. Get your bed sheets now. Get your bed sheets and a ball.

Or just take plain ones and they can draw it for you it's Ty Baldo HQ what's happened to Danny Mac's the pub full of Thai women

is that actually why people everyone's what have they turned it into a nail salon Jack that's too far

wasn't it what there you go who bought it Spice Thai Spice Thai I thought there was a person

Spicy Thai's bought it we Spice Thai. Spice Thai? I thought there was a person. Spicy Thai's bought it. We don't fuck with him. It's full of Thai women, so no one goes except for, you know, Thai women. Jamie, you love shit pubs. Like, famously, you love going in the groggiest looking... No, Danny Mac's was perfect. Danny Mac's was perfect.

Now there's too many Thais No it's not about the Thai I've not got Thai Thai bro No it's not It's not bad But it was perfect It was less Asian

Now that was bad What? Woah Honestly This is how it sounded Before when it got mentioned it was less asian now that was bad what that was whoa it honestly this is how it sounded before when it got mentioned everyone was like oh yeah before danny and you went yeah i'm sorry yeah yeah you were like yeah since it got bought by asians i didn't even say that full of asians i didn't even notice the thai reference you definitely i didn't notice the thai influence it's just not as good as what it just felt like a family there staffer and I didn't even notice the Thai reference you definitely didn't I didn't notice the Thai influence it's just not as good

as what it was it just felt like a family there staff room and it's just a shame yeah new boozers sometimes you get that

amazing window don't you where everyone's come and got the job at the same time the atmosphere's really good yeah she used to go for

the laughing the conchester was fucking brilliant for that first year or two and it just all few people leave when the best people leave it yeah

yeah just because I walked that way there was Thai people there everyone was like oh the comedy's good but it's full of Asians I love Thai women by the way

I'm a big fan of Thai women but just not drinking with them not in our pubs though not in our booze that's me Thai women for Thai pubs this is a getting the salon

yeah yeah the dog and duck in Gorton's full of Thais now. Not going. Hoist him. Go on, Jamie. Yeah, let's see. Get on inventing your own games, man. All right, do it.

Get a new 2023 trend going. All right, let us know your games. I mean, Jamie won't be here and Adam won't give a shit. let us know your games I mean Jamie won't be here and Adam won't give a shit so let me know your games Jamie's games the new section

you should start your own fantasy league I thought you were pissing him off so much get on the soundboard welcome to my games right can we just do can we just do do a little bit of musical audio we'll

get someone to do a little bit and then we'll try and honestly try and get it going as a section where people go james just do like a james games james games no tie women invited james games james games all you need is a pen and a dice in your brain James games James games no tie women by the way

and I don't know if you're going into recording or anything but if you're in the studio don't do this just start fucking doing it you should start

the fancy league exists you should start the analogue one I'm sick of fantasy footy mate why don you know the Fancy League exists you should start the analogue one I'm sick of fantasy footy mate no why don't you do it with fans and get them to send them pictures each week

of like how TDQ are getting them oh TDQ man get the wolf pack again dirty bastards but you've got to respect them they're not that dirty they won 12-1

12-11 that's 11 yeah 12-1 I thought it was 12-1 no it was 12-11 12-11 11. Yeah. 12-what? I thought it was 12-1. No, it was 12-11. 12-11. Sorry, sorry.

That's 2-6-5. Jesus Christ. How's that? How's that worked out? You couldn't. It's a draw and a win, isn't it? Oh, yeah. Unless it was like...

Oh, first leg was a draw. 6-6, 6-5. Oh. Mad. Epic. I'm Wolfpack roll first. They got a five and they went, bang, I'm what?

TDQLS award if they win 12-1 there's definitely dark hearts going on isn't there two dice rolls two dice rolls yeah

they're loaded yeah that one's zero because I can't see it Thai woman's throwing it what's what they're like let's have a break shall we

shall we break yes Let's have a break, shall we? Shall we? Yes. Break. Yes. I'm not cutting it out. It wasn't on. It wasn't on. I know, I'll make sure to see it.

I've ordered a back scratcher from Amazon. Back scratcher? No one's scratching my back. Everyone's retired from it in the house. You scratch mine. Well, I'd scratch anyone's. Great. Scratch stars. But no, it's got to be tit for tat, hasn't it?

We've seen them scratch stars. My girlfriend has one. No. But like for sensitive skin, so you can proper fucking dig in. It doesn't hurt you. A what? Scratch star.

A scratch star? Yeah, they're amazing. Does it have a handle? It's like a starfish shape. It's like Staryu, a handle or does it it's like a starfish shape so it's star you the poke one yeah it's like that yeah 55 quid yeah it's great life-changing though apparently just go down on all day when your burns a good scratch after the pain's gone and you're peeling oh my god oh i thought it went i thought you said after your bird's gone then um i do think adam's right though whatever your partner won't what is that yeah they're amazing the cooling scratch you put it in the fridge you can leave it in the fridge yeah you don't have to

it's like them cooling pillows yeah it's good is that for like eczema and stuff? Yeah. Yeah, like anyone with sensitive skin really. So you're not hurting yourself, but you're still getting that. Eczema and psoriasis. Psoriasis, yeah. Oh. Get yourself one while you're doing that. I don't know. It's not that that's the problem.

She's got a fucking back that needs a scratch. Ask your wonderful wife. She won't do it. Why would she? She's just anti it. Can you blackmail the children? I just don't think it's a good look is it come here darling come here scratch dad's back jack by the way

what what cute baby very cute baby yeah he's all right you've made a good one there and that's it i already know she's incredible but jack is uh so uh serica and carl came for the royal visit on uh on sunday. It was great. It was so good. I've never, I don't know where Laura's decided you are in the pecking order

of things, mate, but I've never seen Effort made like the charcuterie board. She's obviously got you and Serica right up there as like, she made it.

Do you host often? No, because Laura's got a bit of social anxiety. So it's a, it's a limited invite you know you're always welcome I mean you've basically stayed in the garden office

did you crack one out in my garden office oh cheers man I don't like doing stuff like that in other people's houses I think it's rude yeah it is it's sexy though I don't know Jamie having a wank in my garden office

not for you But for him It's a bit naughty innit Yeah I just I like to feel good About myself though Cracking one out In someone's guest room

Is not a good feel I don't think it's good man You should never know so No it's No it's not It's about how you feel innit You feel like a bit of a dirt bag I'd feel rude

Saying that someone else Isn't doing that Hotel wanks are good though Oh 100% That's what you pay for Yeah Fucking hell man You feel, innit? You feel like a bit of a dirtbag. I'd feel rude saying that someone else isn't doing that. Hotel wanks are good, though. Oh, 100%. That's what you pay for, innit? Yeah. And if the cleaner comes in, she sees something. Wipe on the curtain, then put the same ear again,

see if they cleaned it. Alex Polizzi, hotel inspector. One of Jamie's shows. Jamie came in today and he was like, listen, Matt lad, I know you're doing prep, but I just need to watch the last seven minutes of this and I thought it was like a game from the weekend

oh it is a game chef for hire it's more than a game chef for hire Alex Polizzi chef for hire from like 2015 what is it what

from 2015 oh you sorry you came in that wasn't the bit he was asking it was on YouTube it wasn't on iPlayer you came in going lad I need to see the result here and it was on YouTube it wasn't on iPlayer you came in going

lads I need to see the result here and it was 8 years ago because I was watching it on the train and it ran out of time I've been watching Old Big Brother I feel like you'd be into that I watch old Love Island

how like original Love Island no like series 3 Jamie and Camilla oh god that's the only one I ever watched I watched the Tommy Fury one

unfortunately yeah that's what got me into it you know the reason why I watch watched I watched the Tommy Fury one unfortunately yeah that's what got me into it you know the reason why I watch Love Island is because I saw a lot of comics talking about it and I thought

it's in the zeitgeist now yeah and as a comic I just want to be aware of these things so I know the references and I can you know say

love island hang on hang on that is not your comedy at all. Jamie Hudson, who's drinking? You, Laura, you're in Love Island. If you don't know who the dick is in your group,

it's probably you. I think it's important to be aware of the zeitgeist, though, of what's popular. Allow the zeitgeist when it comes to Love Island, though, isn't it? Yeah, but it's still, it's the reference part. And then I thought I was going to watch it from a professional professional point of view maybe come up with some bits of it and then i just fell in love with it and then there's no jokes then i went to the fringe i was in that um i was in fun hq i was in a i was in a house share with like three comics who then you called your house

funny they did they put me in a group chat called Fun HQ and went, oh they're not going to like me, you know They're not even playing Tybaldo They were all They were all dead nice nice people, and I'm just a piss can, I was on a different

level mate. But don't you want that? If you're a piss can, do you want to be with three other fucking nubbins? I've told you about the thing i know about the room what i did with the doctor's thing what oh my god this is awful right have you so i don't know if i've said so apologies i've said it on here um but i've i was saying in the same room as a female act yeah and it's coming back to me now go on i was on a mattress on the floor she was on a bunk bed on top yeah so it felt like some bunk what no the bottom book was like desks and stuff but the room not for adults the way the room was we both had our own space we made it work do i mean and she was uh gigging midday i was on the late

show every night so i i got up late so we just never crossed paths really so i used to wait for her to go up get up get out they were firing so i could have me farts yeah do you know what i mean just being myself and all that anyway it gets the last week of the fringe i'm out till six seven in the morning every night the fringe i'm absolutely done in right and um absolute wake up i had a palmera pizza the night before banging absolutely hammered and um i wake up she gets out so i start fighting to myself and it's fucking hilarious. So I start pissing myself laughing. And I had two, like, bedside tables. So I put my legs on her

and pretend I was having a gynecology exam. Farted and went, oh, sorry, doctor. And then her sister got out of bed half an hour later and introduced herself to me. It was fucking awful. Oh, no.

Oh, I'm just... Oh, dying. It was one of the worst times of my life. Was she sound with it? She was like, this is what happens at Fun HQ. Oh, doctor. I'm sorry, doctor. She got a band crying.

You know when I'm hung up? Was she Thai? Because that would be, oh God. It's room. You know the type of hangover where everything's just hilarious, what I'm doing here? Just laughing, just doing my own work. I'm sorry, doctor.

I fucking love those hangovers. Love them. I need one of them. Can we book in a drink? Yeah. Because I think I need a slate clearer. I need one of those hangovers where you know if i'm gonna get rid of this vape pen i need to be hung over to

give myself i need to stop vaping now it's ridiculous correct and i need a hangover that i feel so ill at that it just totally resets the board and i don't want to vape i reckon i can use that as a springing board to then just not use it again. But I also love the mental, it's almost like a mental, like all your stress goes, you have fun on the night out, but then you're ill the next day

and you have to literally reset your brain and your life. I sort of want one of them. And I think you could give it me. I'm good for a good for how many of them do you have like a month I've not had a day

off drinking for very long time I drink that infrequently that I nearly accidentally drunk drink drive did I

drunk drive drink drink drove drink drove drunk drunk drived for a drink me and Stian

the boys went for a drink the other day I had like about five six drinks and then I I was hungry Drunk, drunk-drieved. We went for a drink. Me and Stian, the boys, went for a drink the other day. I had like, I don't know, five, six drinks. And then I was hungry, but all the food gaffes were shut. So I was like, oh, I'll just get in the car and just drive to Mahi's or something. And I got in the car and I was like, I'm not allowed to do that.

That's illegal. I had to just get back out again. And I was like, oh, I'm sorry. Because you're so rarely pissed. Or like, five drinks in. Yeah, and I was like, oh shit. I've drank 11 days in a row. Right oh shit i've drank 11 days in a row right i never can have drank 11 days in the last three years yeah not not massively smashed but

yeah i remember when you came when you came to do the chocolate dinosaur special and you were like lad i am really hungover so i'm just gonna do the best i can 11 o'clock we're outside the fucking roxy yeah you did all right there jamie what's how many drinks before it sort of kicks back in because is it like at like day 11 it's getting further into the night or is there like a cumulative amount of booze you just have if you have three and stop i'm sound do you know what i? It's if I have that fourth and I'm with my mates, I'm like, ah, this is game over now. Fuck it. Let's take the loss.

Move on. Do you know what I mean? But it's a win. No, it's a win, but it's a loss. Right. I draw. The problem is you've turned pro now. So this is like, there's no one going.

Where were you? because you're in charge of you that's what i mean i'm only podcast starts at like five or something so it's just sound like casino on sunday night um didn't get into like one one two and i had to go go london like half nine or something so that's the closest i was like a bit ropey on the train what's your game in the casino poker really which casino very new road very new road yeah i like the poker tournament she's just paying like 50 quid or whatever and you're there all afternoon i mean so i don't know i don't go mad anymore i used to be i can't leave until like my bank is on zero i I've done my overdraft.

Do you know what I mean? I can't leave the casino solvent. I know this is not something casinos are ever going to do, but I reckon it's got to be your own money. Once you're in the credit card, I know they're not going to be like, listen, we've got to fucking. Aren't they meant to like a pretend to care though?

What? Yeah, they stick up a sign saying gamble responsibly yeah and that's it come over like and go shit I think you're done you go no no because they don't know because people hide it well I never like I was never

I'm never like this when I've lost oh no I'm just like I actually in fact there's a comfort in losing your last tenner yeah because you're done

because you've you've finished at the bottom of the pool now done what's the what's the most you've lost in a session? I lost three grand and an arse, which are covered. Me and my mate, my mate was a footballer

and he got paid off from the PFA and that. So we just used to book the Britannia Hotel, get a twin room, stay there all week, go on the piss. I'd nip in work, get a couple of salons, say, yeah, I've got meat, I've got sales calls at different salons just going to piss in town then go casino and we'll do like thousand pound spins and stuff

and it's just all fucking the turnover is just crazy it's fucking so you're up and then you don't even you don't even know if you're up or down you just know there's chips and then there's not chips it's just fucking 100 mile an hour it's class couldn't do it no it just haven't we just lied differently yeah you could do up making making games with odds yeah you could do up making your own bookies in the bedroom jamie could have been three grand down playing fucking ty boulder i've got to stop now i've lost the fucking bed sheet um can we book in a blowout you know I love them

I'll tell you when I'm ready I know but you there's so many things I have to align not really I can plan them as well I'm staying relatively sober I'm so

fuck off no you're not no you're not Jamie you're doing what I did last year someone's finally listened and gone I've gone selling merch is a great idea people want it they want

something to take away because they love it and they love you there's something about the podcast audience and you've got merch you're going to then be like there's going to be a little merch stand your mate's doing it and then there's going to be a meet and greet and everyone loves you and they know you're going on it if you can get out be a meet and greet and everyone loves you and they know you're going on it. If you can get out of that meet and greet,

I will be so fucking shocked. Nah, I'll have a drink after the show, obviously, but I'm not getting leathered. Oh, I'm gutted we're on tour at the same time. I'd love to come and do a support slot. Ow! There must be a time where he's a close though do like a support slot and ow there must be a time where he's a close though

and he's come surely he must be able to like link it up yeah my yeah my tour's not quite as I genuinely can't do it

I'm going back to a primary room with two stoners yeah very light people I've got Wozniak on as well Wozniak's my tour support oh shit

he ate a bevy as well shall Wozniak's my total support. Oh, shit. I thought he liked Zampani. He ate a bevy as well. Shall we do some Under 8 Over 8? I'm fancying a speed round. When Adam's on the air, you love a speed round. When what? When Adam's on the air,

you love a speed round. Yeah, because I don't know. It's something about a speed round that I enjoy. Speed round. This is Under 8 Over 8. You know the score, don't you it's something about a speed round that I enjoy speed round this is underrated overrated you know the score don't you

Manny Chohan says Danny Max this pub's well better now underrated overrated coffee edition

cappuccino underrated overrated appropriately rated yeah I don't drink coffee so I'm out of this it's fine

you both don't no it's a it's like a you're saying it's a ladies drink it's a ladies coffee it's a I don't mind

a cappuccino it's alright I think it's appropriately rated I don't think it's above it's station I don't think it's below it's station

I think it fits perfectly into what it's rated is where it's at and everyone knows at the get up with the cappuccino as well yeah cappuccino espresso

when I used to work in restaurants if you asked me for any kind of coffee you just got a cappuccino I'll have an espresso this is a this is a frothy espresso

well they exist espresso's underrated I think what's that called Steve latte latte no the little one cortado cortado that exists This is a frothy espresso. Well, they exist. Espresso's underrated, I think. What's that called, Steve? Latte? No, the little one. Cortado.

Cortado. That exists because Italian women weren't allowed to drink coffee. So they used to hide it with the milk. So it's a shot of espresso with a little bit of whipped milk on the top. They weren't allowed to drink coffee? No, so they'd hide it from the men with a little bit of whipped milk on the top.

There you go. Bit of fucking knowledge. He's going to be fine in Italy tomorrow I will I'm going espresso definitely underrated it's a functional thing

isn't it oh it's so good and I don't even like the taste of coffee but if you need a fucking I told you I did that before my final exams though in uni

and that was a big mistake I'm a flat white guy I mean keep it simple flat white or latte yeah same if I'm on the continent if I get a coffee I get an iced latte.

Oh, no. I don't like a cold coffee. No. That's the only time I'll ever drink one. And I feel like I can see time moving, even though everyone can. If you don't, yeah.

If you need a shit. If you need a shit, get a fucking double espresso in you. Ella Linford says, under eight, over eight, the Women's World Cup and the lionesses they're all good

they are all good the officiating listen I'm it's great that the women have got the world cup and it's so I don't think women should be allowed

to officiate it fucking love Lauren Hemp man who's that one she was the one who's like proper dogged up front like they've all got Bondi

closing everything down. Did you see that fucking, the president of the Spanish FA full on kiss one of the Spanish players? You're like, dude, come on, mate. Like Dalai Lama with kids. Yeah, that's what everyone was saying. Have you seen when he hugs the girl

on one of the substitutes? He could have their tit. The manager? Yeah. They've had loads of beef with the manager I've read about it yeah because he keeps

touching tits it wasn't that it was something else I can't remember well all the Spanish team boycotted the team yeah that's what I mean why was that

I can't remember I did read it but I can't remember now I liked your idea of like I liked that you could hear the ref when you made a VAR decision superb that

right see that in the final I saw one of the longest VAR decisions I've ever seen the handball just get on with it yeah she looked at it for ages

didn't she yeah the officiating needs to be they did great they did really fucking well that's the same in the men's game the officiating they did well

is it it's going to be patronising to call it underrated and like oh they're so brave no it's a bit patronising no one said that they are so brave

wearing kits like that you know no people coming out of the way to say how much they loved it I think that's a bit I feel like they're saying amounts

of money but I won't pay to go and watch it pay them anyway no that's not working but then some there was some lads in a group chat

I mean like going fam fuck they lost never at the end of it fucking hell lad come on why would you deliberately want a solution I saw one of the quotes like everyone's talking about 1966 in the

build up I was like I don't think everyone's not everyone's talking about it do you know what I mean it's not quite it's not the same I think it's a it's a world cup win for women's football I'd not I'd not watched I missed the euros last year i was and i think i was a waste um so i've not watched women's football for a while and then we watched the game here the improvements come on so they're so brave

in terms of they're brave aren't they because those boots can hurt their feet i've not watched it for five years i've not watched it for five years. I've not watched it for five years. Keep wading through these mucky waters. For them to play in high heels, that is fucking well done, girls. Honestly, with their makeup streaming

because it was hot, wasn't it? It's Australia. They've done, they're so brave. Heroes. They have periods as well. Of good play.

Go on, Finn. Make your very valid point. It was good. It was good. Some of the games are really good the goals are too big can I say it out loud

the goals are too big yeah right yes like make the goals relative to the size of the people

playing the game if you made the goals in the men's game relative to the size you'd score every shot imagine men's

goals like 15 foot tall high it'd be better no it'd be worse you just can't reach the crossbar You'd score every shot. Imagine men's goals, like 15 foot tall. High. It'd be better. No, it'd be worse. You just can't reach the crossbar. More gold.

It'll be 12-11. I know, I know. Make the goals relative size and the game will improve a lot. Well, that's what they say in the women's NBA, don't they? It's the same height. The hoop should come down. Is it the same height as the men's hoop? I think so, yeah. It's the same height. The hoop should come down. Is it the same height as the men's hoop? I think so, yeah.

It's not fun then, is it? Make it so it's relative to the people playing. I think it was Shaq or someone was saying it's just missing the dunk because there's a limitation of what can be done. Exactly. You just feel like you're being a douchebag even talking about it, but they did fucking great.

They got Mary Earps as well. And she's a goalkeeper. Yeah, but they didn't put her shirt on sale. I love it. I love it afterwards when she saved the penalty and they had the camera on and she was going, fuck off, fuck off. It was so good.

I was like, yes, bro. Mary Earps is the top G. Bullshit. Did you see the goal scorer? Her dad died that day. Oh, shit. What a mad thing. During the match. that day oh shit what a mad during the match what do you remember

of that girl during the match she got told about it after she came off the field apparently after she scored oh my god what do you remember that day

the most day really the world cup winning goal or your dad dying like that is such a you're headed for the part like no one's brain can take that no

that is the pinnacle of a career and one of the worst moments of her personal life one of the worst moments of her life totally overshadowing

one of the best bits you're like oh god how does she look back on that day it's mad a little bit proud well at least

she got her tit grabbed that was a nice little ad on his own that's what a mum said your dad's dead but at least you get your tick grab uh this is spanish honestly these three these three next entries totally sum up what we're what we're doing here one's put millie's put avocado darius has put jazz music

and chris has put transgender porn let's do them in that order. Let's rank them. Underrated, overrated, avocado. What are you saying? I think it's overrated. It's nice. It's fine. But it got Northern Quarter killed it, lad. Like, you don't... Not on everything, lad.

Yeah, a bit of egg on toast and that, yeah. But fucking get it away from your plate. I agree. It's tasteless as well. It's fine. Jazz music. In the right circumstance. It's over. Jazz music. In the right circumstance. It's overrated as fuck.

In the right circumstance. Like if I was at a jazz club. Nope. And same goes for transgender porn. In the right place, mate. If I'm at a transgender club. Can we rank them three things? Please.

Avocados, jazz and transgender porn. Transporn's the only one I've engaged in. Oh, I'd have transporn at the top of this yeah oh i'm not having an avocado what's better jazz or avocados i love a bit of transgender i love smoking the jazz avocado jazz seems cool because it's got that like wearing a velvet blazer. We could make jazz music now and go, wow, that's generational.

I don't know if jazz musicians would do it, but it's generational. Don't trust avocados. I like a lady with a dick. I saw a band that were just dressed as robots made out of garbage. Like tinned beans and that. Just like whacking into the mic.

That's Evan Blair, surely. And everyone going mental for it. Is that Evan Blair? No, Wingfest. Oh, how was that? I saw lots on social media about it. Wingfest is sick, mate. Is that Joe Maguire?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's class. It was good. We did a whole festival on Wings. It wasn't the first oneuire yeah smashing it class it was good we did a whole festival yeah on wings it wasn't the first one either was it oh my god

it's huge mate thousands of yeah trans porn's class isn't it honestly I've never watched it

no there's something great just watching a beautiful porn star get absolutely wellied by a beautiful lady with a dick

is just I'm into it I like it what are you attracted to the whoopie there was one I don't know my favourite one ever

I think I've watched too much porn so I've gone too far down the road I'm like my favourite one ever was like she was you know she was sucking him off

and she was like compliment his cock and that and then the camera pens down she goes is it good as this so she starts wheeling hers fucking hell it's good good so good hanging out with another animal i love it yeah jazz in the background as well yeah jazz music is a it's a scam you're going back to jazz music yeah then it's just banging things together

steering this nicely out can I just tell you generational it can be a nice background of a nice evening nice third day let's go down the lift sorry what nice third day let's go down the lift. Sorry, what?

Nice third day. Let's go down the transport. Where does the transport come into the day? Fourth day, transport. Fifth day, avocados for breakfast. And that's why I don't go Danny Mac's. Thai women. You don't know when you're going to be involved in transport.

They keep putting avocados in the guineas. Jump speed round. Joe Green says, Underrated overrated supermarket cafes i used to love a morrison's cafe we did nan yeah yeah there you go it's a man gaff in her yeah yeah she's she used to get a latte and we'd have the the cream off the top because they weren't allowed to drink. Yeah, they weren't allowed to. She's got a foot nail on her. You won't get avocado on fucking anything in a Morrison's cafe. They won't do it. Good breakfast and all them gaffes though.

I don't know. It's overrated though, isn't it? I've never been. It's overrated, but anyone over 60 is basically overrating it, I think. They're just... Perry was like...

I don't like our Morrison's cafe because we've nearly had a fight with a woman the dinner lady woman they're not

they look like dinner ladies don't they they are dinner ladies the ladies who make dinner they're like they're like private

sector dinner ladies aren't they public sectors the schools you want more pay go Morrison yeah because she made the order

and then they went oh we've run out of that and she went alright no worries I'll go back what? how can they run

out of anything? Morrison's is there it's unacceptable for that cafe to be like we don't have any more beans you fucking do aisle three

aisle three that was a good point yeah and then so my mum went alright no worries I'll cancel my order. And she queued back up.

And then the guy said, oh no, we've got yours. I just meant there's no more after yours. So she was like, oh. Why are we just having anybody that who cares? So my mum just went, like frustrated at the situation, not at them. And then he went,

well, if you're going to be like that, my mum went, well, I'm being like that to the situation not you and then she fucking started arguing and that's when my mum went oh fuck off

go Gregs one of the builders was rude to me today in my own house did he say hello though no no I'd never met this fella before

new one what did he say so he's carrying boards oh a new one yeah halfway through the build towards the end of the build there's new ones every day he's carrying boards. Oh, a new one? Yeah. Halfway through the build? Towards the end of the build? There's new ones every day.

He's carrying boards in because they're boarding the walls. I think your house has become a homeless shelter. I genuinely think there shouldn't be this much turnover. No, it's not like he's the spark. He's the plumber. Right, right, right. It's all different traits. He's the drifter.

Emotional. It's upsetting, isn't it? He's the saxophonist. Saxophonist saxophonist he comes in with a board such a pedant he's literally cried through one but

saxophonist comes in with a board and I let him go because my horse is quite narrow so I was like come on lad after you comes in with it

and puts it down and I stood where I was to let him go back out again polite in and out and he went to go on lad and no no after you even you're going that way and then well yeah but go on after you i'll just i'll have a word with him he went that's why i was asking if you're going that way and well i was but i was you can go yeah right i was like lad i feel like going get the fuck

out of my house you cheeky cunt yeah it's funny when someone did it to bent you up black stock and like went you know this is my gaff don't you they couldn't give a fuck

just like trying to be dickheads to him yeah like are you talking to him in my house yeah it's mad that yeah mad

Carl likes a certain it's just a sort of a feeling the corner oh master the corner Thank you so much for... No. I'm sleeping under the stairs. Y'all never know.

Scouts just need this. Bam. We're best mates. We're cool. Was he Scouts? Of course he was. He should know better. He should hire Thai women. Whoa. And then Jamie won't drink in your house. There you go. I know. A bit of speed round. Fuck him if he's listening. because I know some other lads listen

tell him he's a cheeky cunt he's not like back in my house Mr Bassman Mr Bassman you're walking in front of me maybe your van as well you're fucking that's right

Finn McDermott says couple of food based ones for you muller rice or rice pudding you're not asked I'm not a pudding man man oh mate rice pudding is heavy not for me

rice pudding you would despise it with a jam in with a bit of jam in the middle oh mate don't mind that my nan's all star the jam's doing all the heavy lifting

isn't it nah the texture of the rice is great hot rice pudding is so nice it's like grand risotto yeah yeah jam makes everything better though

doesn't it no no toast bacon bacon and muller rice yeah jam makes everything better though no no toast bacon bacon and muller rice no jam doesn't make

bacon better you may put chilli jam on it yeah shut up then chilli jam rice pudding is heavy and I love it yeah right

rice pudding is heavy baby bells underrated fuck off it's plastic cheese nah it's well nice overrated it's just because

of the fucking marketing mate you've been hoodwinked by the system bro literally you have when i was a kid that's all i wanted in the supermarket was that and red bull so my mum said no baby bells too expensive and red bulls alcohol baby bells are fire i didn't i didn't eat cheese till 17 i used to be so jealous of the kids with baby bells why why I was just a dead fussy eater. Yeah. You would have eaten the red stuff. The candle wax that comes with it. It looked like a little sweetie. It's horrible.

It's plastic cheese. It's scum. Nah. I sometimes like a bit of plastic cheese. I didn't have pizza. In the stuffed crust filling. Stuffed crust. Stuffed crust is overrated.

Yeah, it is. Stop messing with me crust exactly get that hot dog out me crust oh no there put it in a fucking that's a sex crime

put it in a bun lad mustard he's never had a hot dog in his entire life yeah just get a hot dog next to a pizza do you know what's good for hot dogs

like proper sausages though don't like the cheap tin ones I don't mind a cheap tin one if you're at a like barbecue in that but a proper fucking... Loads of onions, tomato sauce.

Oh, come on, man. Should we have some hot dogs? Shall we try a hot dog? Will you try a hot dog for the first time? Yeah, if it's a good one, I will. Yes. If it's a five guys hot dog, I will try it.

Okay, we'll order it in. Can I not have onion on it? I don't like onion. No problem. I won't get mustard because I don't like onion. No problem. I won't get mustard because I don't like it. Not arsed. What's the alternative?

Last week I tried Gregg's and it was... First I had Gregg's. Lad, he spat a steak bake out. Oh, come on. He spat a steak bake out. It's honestly affecting my tour sales.

The amount of annoyance. One lad just messaged me. He was like, you're actively pissing me off with this food thing Joe I missed from Greg because he had a great steak and kidney pie as well

oh yeah Joe the proper one Martins as well Geoff Martins in Liverpool yeah them steak pies upside down pie

I always thought Sayers was the best out of the them chains I like the Sayers sausage roll the best Waterfields I love sausage rolls

Green Oushes oh Wigan way I'm out Wigan way shall we do a confession go and see where Jamie sits on it

we're looking for Jermaine Penance or if we just we give him a pass yeah confession alright lids please keep me anonymous I'm dead close We give them a pass. Confessions. All right, lids, please keep me anonymous.

I'm dead close to my nan and granddad. Every time I go see them, they treat me like I'm still about eight and throw me a tenner because in my nan's words, it's better off in my pocket than theirs. This happened usually once a week if I'd take them shopping or something for helping them out.

I need to confess that I go to see them like four or five times a week nearer to payday because i know i'm going to get given some money that'll tide me over i love spending time with them but i know why i'm there i'm am i a prick for milking this or resourceful because it's better in my pocket than theirs cheers anonymous um well the Cheers, Anonymous. Well, the thing is, you're giving your granddad joy because I take it if you're old enough to drive and that, they might not have long left, so they're going to value your time.

A tenner of visit. Don't use it as a prime resource to go and see your grand, though. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. That's a bonus. It's not the reason you go. Yeah, I think if you're on the fourth visit.

Tenner a visit, though. Yeah. The fourth visit a day. Paying for the petty, though, isn't he, really? Why aren't you working, love? Because you're paying better. I remember the first, every time I'd go down,

she'd give me a tenner, and me grandmother'd give me the handshake. That varied from a five or two to a 20, depending on how you felt. You were getting paid off both of them? Both of them, yeah. In the same household? Because he'd do the thing like, don't your nan but she yeah and what would she do so she's giving you the wage and he's giving you the bonus she'd give me a tenner every every sunday and then on the way out to shake me on the go don't tell you

now oh my god you used to give me a murray mint and say don't tell your gran yeah i will unless this is cash next time but i remember i when I was like mid-twenties, early to mid-twenties and obviously that, and she went to give me a tenner and I was like, no, it's okay.

I've got a job now. Like I earn money. She's like, well, I don't need to keep it. And she was so proud of me. She wants to give me more money because of it.

She's like, that is amazing. We've just upped your wages. That's a great thing. Do that. You'll switch it around and get 30 quid. Yeah. Say, no, this is on me. That's a great thing. Do that. You'll switch it around and get 30 quid. Yeah.

Say, no, this is on me. Play them off each other. I didn't, but you could. I mean, I'm just going to be 20.

You bad fucking tyke cunt. Give me 30 quid now. Bosh, you get 50 quid a week. Last one. Anonymous. Confession time, lads.

Not too sure if this is a sin or just me being a cunt. When the missus and I are having the sexy time and she goes down on me I always have my phone to hand that's due to if she's on a good day

I'm just browsing Twitter at ETC waiting for the big finale on the other hand if she's on a bad day or my cock is just being stubborn I'm browsing porn without her knowing it

to help me finish do I need penance? Yes. Don't do that, man. Whoa. You look like Edvard Munch's Scream now. Can we get that in the thumbnail? Can you drop the mic and do it again?

No, because Jack hasn't seen any pictures. Or Margaret Thatcher. You look like either one of them. What? He had a stroke and then died now she's dust yeah

I'm not I'm not covered in soil though unfortunately yeah fuck the Tories erm er find other ways

to climax don't use porn so it's while she's there point your toes point your toes yeah that's it.

That makes me calm. That's why ballet dancers are jizzing everywhere. A bit of role play, mate. Pretend she's a town crier. Yeah. And she's

she's not got a permit renewed. Bitch. And you're the counsellor coming round and go, you've got your permit, love. She went, oh no, I went,

is there any way round it? Oh, there's a way round it. Hear ye, hear ye. Suck me off. It's a classic book. Imagine that you are head of the Spanish FA and she's just, you know, won the World Cup. Yeah. Your dad's dead.

Whoa. Whoa. Your dad's dead and I'm so minded. Is she not looking? Is she doing an undercover? Is she under the covers doing a duck job and blowjob? If I was on my... No.

Eye contact's massive. Is this Adam is this Adam sending this in I can't stop scrolling that's too rude it's Vanguard of Order

wow haven't you phoned in any kind of sex what are you doing right his penance should be hang on

Jamie's Jamie's giving the penance what's he got to do Carl what do you think he should do he's doing penance we're not impressed with this

no I think he should have something off putting on his phone if that's what he's going to do yeah but then he's never going to do it that's his own fault

I got locked jaw so he's he's got to get his phone out yeah and put like Janice Battersby on it or something oh she's fit mate Les was tap on that as well

Joe fucking Robert Lolland said Les and Janice is a main tone who's Les she's fit mate Les was tap on that as well Joe fucking Robert Lolland said Les and Janice is me and Tony who's Les Toya was it Toya yeah

yeah and Leanne and Leanne adopted erm the knowledge I I think you've got to mott her out

three unanswered times so she goes to chew you off and you go nah let me satisfy you it's all about you babe yeah yeah yeah

yeah and watch whatever you want season three of Love Island whatever the good stuff how do you do that when you

oh she's yeah yeah she gets privilege yeah yeah put the telly put the tally put the tally on I'll go downtown you know

and say no to a blowjob so she'll think oh you're worth more than that let's go to a spa weekend well this is costly penance isn't it yeah well don't

fucking watch Chinese battles we might get inchewed that's the rule bang the gavel let's have a break fucking pod part three

Rich Wilson's here ladies and gents hello hey I can't hear that but there's cheers yeah yeah yeah come see us

cheers everywhere I go it's a it's a preset that every other podcast uses the rest are all our own oh okay yeah yeah yeah cheers everywhere it's a it's a preset that every other podcast uses the rest are all our own alright okay yeah yeah yeah

applause some fucking good eggs in here belting eggs free range are you battery are you battery are you a battery egg

I think I'd be more of a battery egg do you reckon if I was an egg you've done well though yeah from a battery egg a beautiful omelette

has appeared I've got a good egg around me colour coordinating omelette rituals I'm 100% a battery chicken I'm not really

allowed out I'm a battered chicken I've not only I've just got my head kicked in you're a canaldon you could be more of a battery chicken

I don't even even if I got free I'd be like I'd want to be back. I can't even lay eggs. That's why they keep me. I don't even, even if I got free, I'd be like, I'd want to be back in the cage. The chickens lay eggs. It's hens, isn't it? Chickens do the fucking. Do they?

Is that why they keep them? No, it's the cocks. Yeah? Chickens have cocks. Cocks fuck, yeah. Cocks fuck and hens lay eggs. Yeah, but they're all, chickens basically just the meat,

isn't it? Isn't it? Hang on, talk me through it. Are cocks and hens both chicken? Are they both chickens? You mean like collectively? Yeah.

Their species is chicken, but within that they are cock and hen. How do eggs work? Oh, have you seen that egg machine? I'm not the only nut, Ben! I don't know how eggs work. Get on this, mate. This egg machine is one of the best things in the world, mate.

All the chickens give birth to the eggs, yeah? Farmer nicks them. There's this UV light, and they go, oh, that one's pregnant, that one's pregnant, that one's pregnant. And they take them all out. That's all they know. They're not chicks in there. Just yolk.

Yeah? It's fire, mate. Seriously. I've had some different theories about eggs, but I don't trust them, and I don't want to eat them. Oh, you don't want to eat egg, do you? Oh, yeah.

You've got a weird thing about eggs. I don't understand it. No, it's not a weird thing about anything. Yes, it's food. He had his first sausage roll last week. What are you saying? What? How?

Strong four out of ten. Mate. But it's annoying a lot of people. Is fat a steak bakehouse? What are you talking about? This is the staple of the working class, man. Yeah, well, you know. Sausage roll.

As soon as you're born, you just get a sausage roll shoved in your hand. When you're born to my level in life, you know. Silver spoon up your ass. Oh, yeah, real silver spoon. What were you like? Preston Aristocracy, mate. Sausage roll and soup.

Two cars! Sausage roll and soup, but you use a sausage roll as a spoon. Fire. How do you get all the soup? What? That checks out. You dip it. You don't soak it. No, you dip it, yeah. It's a working class as a spoon. Fire. How do you get all the soup? What? That checks out. Dip it.

You don't soak it. No, you dip it, yeah. It's a working class hummus dip. You soak. Steak meat. Fire. Sauce roll and soup, mate, is unreal winter food.

What's your favourite winter food? It has to be a tomato soup with loads of crusty, butty bread. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Soup with a sandwich. Or jarred with gravy. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah soup in a sandwich or jar of gravy oh yeah

yeah yeah just a jar I sometimes dip gravy into soup that's how working class I am what soup have you had Dan what's what

what soup have you had gravy soup no we do this every week man soup have you ever eaten soup minestrone soup

it's peng man not the Italian stuff have you ever eaten soup British soup what yeah potato for British people minestrone soup it's peng man not the Italian stuff have you ever eaten soup British soup what yeah potato

British people potato and leek soup cabbage potato tomato onion yeah tomato cabbage potato chicken soup

never had that I'm doing my head let me do this Dan have you ever eaten soup what are you lying I have I've tried it

what which one tomato you've tried soup have. I've tried it. Which one? Tomato. You've tried soup? Is it a textious thing? Tomato soup is like the worst

bit of a cold pizza without the cheese and bread. That's how it feels. It's so challenging.

No, but I'm working class as well, so, you know, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just have soup and, like, two soups and a sausage roll. Soup's best just have soup and like two soups and a sausage roll

soup's best in a cup as a bed two soups and a bed of sausage rolls that's our working class soup in a cup in a flat oh you had a cup

fucking lardy dog we didn't have cups for our soup we just got them in the hand like gruel tomato soup and the bread's that buttery

it leaves like a it goes into the soup and leaves like a little swell yeah yeah we didn't even have bread. You're meant to put butter in beans. Oh, yeah. What? Yeah.

In your cooking baked beans. Low heat, butter gives it a shine. Black pepper, bit of Tabasco. Oh, I see. You learned that on your YouTube show. No, I came up with it. I invented beans, mate. I mean, it just wasn't unhealthy enough. Add butter in there. You've got to add butter in beans, mate. I mean, it just wasn't unhealthy enough.

Add butter in there. You've got to add butter in beans, mate. Trust me. Beans on toast, lads. You're a healthy man. You eat well, Rich. I'm healthier. Healthier than me.

Do you remember, I will say this about Dan. Yeah, you might have a weird thing with different food in there. But I remember when we were away working, we were in Cyprus. And I went out. Oh, can I say, Rich? You were my favorite ever cyprus buddy you were so nice because i'd been there with some good jeff norcott was sound and i went with the other couple of people who just wanted a week-long afternoon nap and you were

the nicest rich is the best person he's like doesn't get annoyed about anything if you just tune in we had the best time yeah we got hammered at the right time oh it was just such good very very good post gig drink company yeah well the thing is i've got a side but i just know when to bring it out do you know i mean like if you piss me off you'll know about it but oh yeah most of the time pretty chill but when we were away it was there was one night you hadn't gone out we had and we whenever we're on these trips it was like total annihilation it's like we were trying to just drink all the all the booze on the island yeah because you're on an island yeah doing well it feels like a holiday and then it's six o'clock it's almost like the green mile like damn i'm

walking damn you get driven to an army base and you're like, this could be awful. It could be six people and awkward. It could be 300 and bedlam. It could be 120 people and dead sound. It's almost, you feel gaslit by the work. You're like, it's the decompression lot

when they're coming back from like, I nearly said Iran. When they're coming back from, you know, one of them. And they're all stressed out. You get the racism out of them, give them a fucking dinghy.

Let them fucking I thought it was at Warwick Cypress yeah we were at Warwick Cypress yeah we were Peter and Andre felt like it

you went out and I I for some reason we'd gone out you hadn't and then and we got annihilated and I remember

I just got lost as well that night I ended up walking miles the wrong way and then I happened to get up really high and I happened to see a ship out at sea. And I went, oh, yeah, we live near the sea.

Even though we're on an island, I could have gone anywhere. And anyway, so I get back. And I crawl into bed. And it's like 4 or 5 AM. And I'm just laying there, like, dying. And then I don't know what time it was. You just appeared. You sort of knocked gently on the door.

And you came gliding in. And you just put this glass of juice with ice in it and you went i think you might need that mate and then you just slid out the room like patrick swayze and ghost you were just gone and to this day i still fantasize about that glass of juice i don't know what it was i don't know what juice it was it was perfection oh mate that's unbelievable it was I got in for a shag that's the thing I was like oh mate that what a move

it was perfect are you getting tasty yeah wow but that's it am I wrong when you've got a little bro thing going on

superb you've just you look out for the Florence Nightingale yeah because that's his name yeah Florence Nightingale was a famous nurse his name yeah Farmer Nightingale

was a famous nurse Jamie H Comedy he's on tour September 28th sometimes they pay him for this he did ham on my balls that was nice

he came in dropped the drink hammed on my balls for a bit don't put that on saying that the other day I went to Dan's house

for the first time you got me favourite drinking you are a thoughtful guy. It's lovely. I love attentiveness. This is fun, isn't it? Who needs to be funny when we're all fucking licking mouths?

Attentiveness is very important and you've got it. Oh, remembering things is good. Yeah, that's what attentiveness is. Remembering what you think is minute, but to that person it's big. He's the best at that. I can often like Rubicon now. You're the best at that.

Am I? Yeah. Remembering little things about people you've met once. He's fought the best at that am I? you're very attentive remembering little things about people you've met like once he's fought his head's fought I'm the new can I just tell you

this is very obviously not an Adam episode he'd be like fucking bullshit he doesn't remember anything about me Adam's been cool as well though I was in Dubai with Adam

Adam was brilliant company he's a great he's a great partner good company him and Brendan Rees and also with Adam he's good at being like I want to do this I can't imagine oh no sometimes he gets a bit like I want to do this but he does tune in well yeah he just goes sometimes he will go over the floor yeah yeah yeah yeah um those foreign trips it's all about who you're with it really is it's too like I can gig with anyone and be like,

for a weekend, put a face on it. Oh, you're going out for lunch on Saturday. I am actually doing some writing. Doing loads of writing on my own. In a restaurant, eating food on my own, but writing. Those week-long, 10-day trips, you can't be out with a fucking bell whiff. There's a promoter that that when we're out with

them and they were going oh what was happening there was in each group of comedians coming out there was at least one of them that was a dickhead so what we've decided to do we've put all the dickheads together and we bring them out together oh my god yeah right so we can just deal with them the group of death yeah yes and then i got a text from one of them one day one one comedian he went i'm out with these right dickheads i was like oh yeah that's a shame man that's a shame i just sort of left it 100 i'm doing birmingham glee this weekend i know it's not going away for the dickheads if you're on the bill the first thing i do is set the line up to see who has a drink and there's so many comics you don't drink anymore man just like put the piss cans together so we can have a party

and then so the Friday night gig is amazing and everyone looks fucking awful on Saturday yeah yeah

many times I've been stood in a in a northern town on my own because all the other comics either live nearby and gone home

or they just don't drink oh sure you could just like Jamie and come in on the fucking Megalos how far away is Liverpool from here

just do the fucking Mick Ferry or Jamie H Uber to Clivero now you could hire yourself out you could hire yourself out as a friend in need

yeah I'd be a great rent a pint yeah rent a pint rent a pint yeah rent a pint rent a pint I think that's the way to go yeah yeah yeah yeah that's the first

Dragon's Den idea I'm a great echo chamber so whatever you believe I was going yeah yeah you like doing that as well yeah yeah the amount of

horrible opinions I've agreed with the taxi driver is what I know it is taxi drivers yeah because it's easy life isn't it

it is too many ties in Danny Mac you're right it yeah, because it's easy life, isn't it? It is. Too many tires in Danny Macs, you're right. It's all the suits. It's because you want to get home. So you don't want to, halfway through,

he kicks you out. Yeah. How far would you go, though? What? How far would you go? Right, so it's like gigging, isn't it? It's about how... No, how far would you go

with the grimness? Oh, so I thought you meant how far is he willing to travel there's been I thought you were talking literally talking about rent-a-pipe and I was like

Exeter but it's gotta be a good thing there's been moments where my mate's quite opinionated and like into politics and all that

and we've been in a taxi and the taxi driver said something you know horrendous rather than just like yeah whatever and roll it off he gets into a debate

with him and I just hate confrontation do you know what I mean especially when they're behind a wheel of a steel ton rather than just like, yeah, whatever, and roll it off. He gets into a debate with him. I just hate confrontation. Do you know what I mean? Especially when they're behind a wheel of a steel ton ball of fucking death. What? Hang on though.

That is classic catastrophes, isn't it? We don't agree with the taxi driver's views on trans and he's going to crash the car and kill us all. I was in his band and he's got a new song out called Joy Keane. Plug!

Did you have to do that? It could be the song of the week if you want. Yeah, the song of the week. Fuck the ones we would often get. Yeah, so I don't like... Racist taxi driver, but I've got a new band. New album out. I don't like confrontation in that sense driver, but I got a new band, new album out.

I don't like confrontation in that sense. No, in that sense, no. What would your breaking point be where you got you out of all of it? If he went, listen, I've got these outfits

for the next meeting. Do you want to come around and try one on? I think I'd go, do you know what? Just take me to the hotel. No, no, I'd still go. I'll give you a bill tomorrow.

Just to get to the hotel. I'm such a pussy, I'd still give them like a four star rating. One star off for being an actual fascist. What's your Uber 8 done? It's pretty good. I think it's flawless. 4.95 minus. Is it? What did you start with?

Didn't you only recently get Uber? I haven't got it. I've deleted it. If you haven't had any taxi rides, you haven't got one. Well, surely I start at five. You're innocent until proven guilty. So I'm five stars. I get so many Ubers,

man. Check it. You might. 4.78. Oh, 4.89. But I've been, I've been picked up in some states.

do you know what I mean? Like straight up, straight off the floor. 4.75 me and will had the best uber home of all time go on we went out for a pint end up in liverpool it's like one two in the morning it's fucking class got an uber home just having a sing song in the back weren't we you got an uber back from liverpool to manchester yeah yeah right and that's a good is that a good fare for an Uber?

That's decent, isn't it? Split between two, it's fine. Right. But it's all right. He's made up, the driver. Yeah. But we just had a mint sing song and a heart to heart. It was just fucking great.

Tax driver's races, but other than that. So I think I've ruined Will's Uber rating after that. I think my Uber rating is 4.89, but I think that's because there's been a couple of times I've got Ubers and put me mate in it. And I've booked him,

and then I've looked the next day, and the next week it's gone down. I'm like, what did you do? Yeah. What did you do? And he's like, oh, nothing, nothing. I just said. And I go, oh, here we go.

I've had an Uber driver fall asleep. What? When I've been in the car. No. Yeah. He's driving me home from work. He's driving down a main road by mine. And I start with the lights.

Lights goes on green. I'm like, fucking hell, man, come on. And I looked and he was like that. And so I kicked his chair. I gave him one. I kicked his chair. He's like, oh. And then he drove.

And as we were going down, he started swaying. Mate. And I just shout, mate, mate, mate. And he's like, what? And I went, lad, can, mate, mate, mate. And he's like, what? And I went, lad, can I just get out of here? And he's like, why? I went, you fell asleep twice. He went, no, I haven't.

I went, lad, you did. I kicked your chair. And he's like, no. So I text him and he's like, I'm so sorry. And then I'm banned from, he can't get me anymore. And he had to go in for like a medical and stuff after that. Mate. Can you do that?

It's not a medical problem. He's just working his balls off probably, isn't he? Yeah, but it could be a do that? It's not a medical problem. He's just working his balls off probably, isn't he? Yeah, but it could be a medical problem. It could be a medical problem. It's more likely that he's just desperately trying to.

He's only worked 10 hours, I think. This was a couple of years ago. The month shift. You can only have your system on for 10 hours. He might've done 14 hours because it was Christmas or something. Oh,

yeah, yeah, yeah. He's going to kill me. He's going to take it over. I'll take it from here move over yeah

I'm the Uber driver now I'll bring you back to you in the morning after meeting I'm gonna fucking kill you that's like a shit version of Captain Phillips isn't it

I'm the Uber driver now I only gave him four stars I only gave him five stars did he fuck he kicked his chair I think was it Kim yeah but he doesn't think he was and you walk him up that's rude I hope he gave me five stars. Did he fuck? He kicked his chair.

Was it Kim? Yeah. But he doesn't think he was. And you woke him up. That's rude. Yeah, he gave you a low rating because you woke him up. How dare you? He woke me up.

Yeah. You know what I'm like if I get woken up? Yeah. Refunded and now we're barred from seeing each other, which you can do. If you text them and go,

I don't like this person, they can ban you from being able to book each other. Oh, that's good. I didn't know that. Is there still an option to not talk to them? Or is this an American thing I've heard about? No, I've used that.

Uber Comfort it's called. Really? Yeah, it's an extra few quid, but you can have temperature on cold, don't chat to me. Even the option, it feels cold though. Do you know what I mean? The option to say, I don't want to speak to you.

Because there's no other way. There's no like reason. Yeah, it feels too... If they had a sub option like, ungo over to fuck me. Why? Because you're a pompous Tory cunt. Or you're just literally having an existential crisis and you can't talk.

I don't... I'm in my feelings, mate. Sorry. It doesn't even say hello it just goes to fuck yeah and then they just know but it just feels too abrupt you're paying them more to not talk that's mad you know i'm sure that that that gets pressed a lot in london i feel like yeah in the city where people like i don't need to do this that would be so not on brand if you got in and you'd already pressed the don't

talk to me and he's got tickets for your tour like oh fucking hell it's Jamie I just want to say I love your comedy

but he's ticked the box I'm above it I ain't a frog six times leave me be I love a taxi chat mate

I love chatting to taxi drivers on my own proper enjoy it I don't mind it I don't mind it I don't mind it it depends in the in the scenario

doesn't it although in London they've got the opposite where you just you just press the thing you can talk to me it's just on it's on constantly

don't talk to me oh yeah and you have to press it yeah you can talk to me if you want if you want I don't I don't

I don't find it comfortable what the fuck are you on about I don't find it comfortable when they offer me water and stuff like that No do you You don't want to voice it Don't do that Never do the voice

Do you want to tic tac lad Do you want to plug your phone in No I want to get to the fucking boozer Do you want to tic tac Tic tac mate Just one It's hard times There's like fucking like Well, do you want the Tic Tac? I nearly did that. Tic Tac, mate. I nearly did that. Just one. It's hard times.

Butter. Tic Tac. But there's like fucking like... Butter. Butters are watered in like the things and like plug your phone in and all that. I'm like, lad, you're trying too hard. You doing? I know, woo me, but come on.

Oh, they say what radio channel do you want on? Yeah, no, just... Is that one? Yeah, I don't know. Or I had one, the bloke wentke went he said do you like Johnny Mathis this old singer from the 70s and I've gone

nah not really I had the greatest hits of Johnny Mathis for the entire journey I didn't like when you said not really I was like you just clearly

haven't listened to it yeah you will after this he gave you the AUX put your own music on I told you about the one that I had a couple of weeks ago didn't I

the one where he put my whole EP on in front of me and crit and critiqued it i finished the gig that's funny finished gig put the guitar and stuff in the back he was like so what's your band called a couple of lads got out we chatted a bit and he was like so what's it called i was like oh yeah finley k and he went alexa play finley k i was like oh no okay oh no he listened to the whole ep and just critiqued each song he was like yeah it's all right that one imagine if at the end of it went give me the tic tac back you want to get out but like what did he say at the end at the end of it he went you know you sound like i i was like i don't know i't know. I was a bit pissed at this point.

I was like, I don't know. He's like, you sound like Craig David. And we laughed. And he fucking does. Yeah, he got it right. You do sound like Craig David. Yeah. Wait until you hear it, your head will fall off.

It's weird. I've heard a song with this before. It doesn't sound very Craig David-y. Where is this available? Spotify. On Spotify? My EP. Yeah, Spotify,

wherever you get your moves. Ah, that'd be the only way I'd ever listen. I fantasise about being able to speak Urdu or something with taxi drivers. Or in a shop. We went into the shop then

because I fancied some sweeties. Oh, yeah. I really wish I could. The Gujarati V8 boys. They were literally doing like Lebanese or... Gujarati V8 boys. I don't know like Lebanese or Gujarati V8 boys.

I don't know what language it was. Lesbians. Gujarati. Yeah, the lesbians. The young Lebanese. Speaking lesbian.

They're speaking lesbian. But they were like, but they just wanted fucking hell. Where, where, where is, that's a yellow card.

Yellow. That is a good lesbian Lebanese joke, that. One more and you're off. Oh, come on! I get it. It's a yellow card. Yeah, they're taking all the

vapes for a test, but speaking in good direct. FA's gone to shit, mate. And then every so often you do one English word like pineapple. I want it booked as well pineapple I want it booked as well I want it booked as well you get a second yell

off and ask everybody yell on me you know the new rules come on mate he said pineapple in a lesbian Lebanese accent I just

this is supposed to be benefiting my career not ending it I want it I want it I hear do you know when you go in a shop and they're literally like

talking on the phone and there's a guy working there and it's a language you don't understand I'd love just because he's probably going and it's a language you don't understand. I'd love just, because he's probably going,

oh, this bell end. I'd love to just be able to speak Urdu or Punjabi. I would, the stupidest reason to spend years learning a language just so I can go, yeah, can I have some Tic Tacs? Yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, because all shopkeepers speak Gujarati.

It's an album album name isn't it all you wanted to do was say I know one of the names of the languages Gujarati yeah yeah polyglot that is

multiple languages that would be my one superpower there's there's a guy who does it and I think it's the Chinese where he goes to speak

he's just done he's just done a Maasai tribe taken out to a really remote part of western Kenya and he spent a month and he's really adept at it he spent in a month learning their dialect which is very there's like literally their tribe it's really unknown gets out of the they know that someone's coming from America a journalist and then he starts talking in their language and it's such a weird feeling when you're watching it. Because you know how Adam always talks about

he puts himself in the position of the lead character. In your head, you're like, yeah, I did learn that language. Even though it's that guy doing it. It's unbelievable. Their heads fall off. Have you seen them, Rich? No. So it's this guy.

Is he a journalist? Is that his job? No, he's just, I he a journalist at his job? No, he's just, I don't know what his job is. Like a freelance YouTuber. A freelance YouTuber, but he's so good at... He doesn't just learn language,

he learns dialect and he learns like pronunciation. So he'll go to like some small town in China, go into a Chinese restaurant and then order in English and they're all laughing. I'm going, oh, look at this. But then speak their language to perfection. And they're all like, what the fuck? Because they're in english and they're all laughing i'm going oh look at this but then speak their language to perfection they're all like what the fuck yeah because they're talking about to go look

at this now but then you can understand them so it's like someone coming to where you're born yeah and all the little mannerisms they speak to me and everyone's so in new york he just goes you know like every nationality is represented in new york so he goes to like chinatown but he also learned like a bit of swahili which is just again so obscure knows that the shop is owned by like it's like people who speak swahili and just to go in and be like oh yeah cool how much is that in swahili why do i want i want that so much i asked for for the bill in Italy and the waiters applauded me because I was pissed. And they went,

oh, you want the bill? I went, no, I've been learning this. And I stood up and made a big deal of it and said the Italian for bill and the waiters... Was it sarcastic? Was it that slow? What was it?

A bit long. I clapped over it. I've been learning it. I can't remember it. I like the bit in John Wick in the first one where the guy's looking at his car in the petrol station and he's got a nice car and he goes yeah he goes how much he goes it's not for sale and then he turns around says something in russian calls him a bitch in russian and john wick comes back with in russian and the guy goes like there's that moment where he understood he understood what

i said yeah that's such a sick superpower. That would be beautiful. I'd love that. I went back to this Polish lady's house when I was 19. She was in her 40s. We had a bit of a summer fling. And when I first went back to her flat. What?

A full summer. How does a summer fling start with a full summer? What? How does that start? I met Renee XM. What's that? Gay club. I mean,

we're in a, we're in a house. It could have been worse though, couldn't it? Could have been worse. What? You go clubbing in a gay club and you end up with

having a summer affair with a Polish lady. Yeah, yeah. Could have been like some bloke called Jeff. Could have been. Why would that be worse? Yeah, what's wrong with Jeff?

That's a good point. Jeff Lewandowski. And her friend, I assume, is also Polish. Eastern European, certainly. And they had an argument in their native tongue and every so often the flatmate would point at me

and go so I know they're slagging me off but I don't understand what I'd love to go back in time and learn Polish

and go no you're not a slag you try to ask for the bill when you tell him no you're not a slag

that's all you've learned that's it yeah that's it was she a lesbian like Polish lady that was in a gay club and thought you were a lesbian

she was like no no he is Lebanese and then he did the voice it was just 2010 man oh sorry different time there was a World Cup on.

Things were crazy. AXM was just one of those places you went to everywhere in South Africa. You've been in, haven't you? You must have been in AXM. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they had a tuck shop in where you could buy your poppers and that.

Right. And just like sweet. So you could have a toffee crisp and some poppers. It was fucking sick. Nice. What? That's the way to go, isn't it? It's unreal.

What a weird place to keep a toffee christmas wouldn't be crisp anymore with a toffee like moist yeah you don't want to combine the toffee soft poppers to relax oh i haven't got any pockets nice is that the opposite of crispy flimsy uh nougat can you google with the uh antonym of a crispies please melted um yeah so it's a wonderful gaff i love these places so like Open to Light and

Dingy and Soggy Soggy Soggy carry on that's the game Toffee Soggy

Toffee Soggy carry on Toffee Soggy we used to go to Essentials which is one of them innit AXM AXM's the goat for me

oh right okay me and adam used to go to heaven every week what did you do babe i had coronas and dance with the geeks i love it i love it very progressive there cal you know we're some with him we have coronas dance with him one of them touched me left once and josh nearlyed them. Cause when I was a young man, homosexual men used to really like me. Now they love you. No, but like do a bit. I even said, I kinda go like, what's going on here?

They used to be all over me. I don't know what it was. I looked quite Twinkie, I think. It's probably cause they knew you were straight as well. There's an element. I remember working in a gay sauna and I had a lot of attention. You worked in a gay sauna?

I worked in a gay sauna for a bit. Yeah, attention you worked in a gay sauna I worked in a gay sauna for a bit yeah Rich that will get your attention that'll do it yeah listen met a lot of Polish ladies

that summer but my mate got me the job and then he was going what was your reception I was just on the door like buzzing people in so I'm like you know what this is

and they go yeah and then they come in and then I go right but then I had to leave because they started to twig that I wasn't gay because I wasn't joining in everyone else at work there was getting bollocked for leaving the front door unattended And then I go, right. But then I had to leave because they started to twig that I wasn't gay because I wasn't joining in.

Everyone else at work there was getting bollocked for leaving the front door unattended and all that. They're all upstairs joining in and I'm downstairs just by the door. They're like, nope, it's fine. I don't need to go anywhere. You lost your job for being good at your job. I left. Because they were getting,

I was like, I just need to go because it's getting- Was you never tempted? There's stuff happen. Did you ever look? I saw some fucking things man i saw some things things that doesn't matter regardless of regardless sexuality regardless of gender two people having sex next to you live is weird doesn't matter what doesn't matter what kind of human they are when they're having sex next to you live is weird. It doesn't matter what kind of human they are, when they're having sex,

it's just, and you just like that. It sounds like one of Jamie's stories from his house. I've been in bed. It's like the Crispin Poppers. I've been in bed while someone's shagged next to me, in the same bed. It's weird,

isn't it? Yeah, yeah. Because you're sort of like, you're like, all right. I got wanked off by a bloke once. Well,

lads. Make sure that's in the trailer. That's the start. One job for you. I was... Was this at CEX? No, it was at CEX. Or wherever you just got it.

$10 on a wank, lad, please. A golf. How much for... What did you say? Is that CEX? That's the golf shop. How much for this PlayStation? Who hasn't been wanked off at a CEX?

How much are you giving me for this? Golf shop, you've got spray paint all over it. Ten quid in a wank, mate. Yeah, I was just asleep on the couch and he had his hand on me crotch and I woke up like bleary-eyed. I went, oh, what you doing, mate? And then I went, oh, sorry, sorry.

And then I went back to sleep and I'm like, fucking hell. Missed that hand. So I got his hand and put it back on yes mate that's the way and then I started to get hard

and I thought I might just experiment here yeah so then I was bulging out my jeans he put his hand

on my crotch through my boxers then went into my boxers started wanking it off and he had such a velvet stroke that's a lie

I swear to god this is why we're here this is amazing I swear to god I've still got him on Facebook just in case and he's like

no because I messaged him once a year later asking if you were yes mate I fucking love this yes he er

he started to kiss down my chest and then I pussied out because he was going to suck me off so I just went no no no there's no middle ground with you isn't there

playing fucking dice and getting all the printer paper out playing tie ball though all getting wanked off by men fuck me you needed a Super Nintendo when he slept early in the morning it wasn't like vigorous it was just like playful touching

and playful touching and then hand on cock it was more where was this at a party like an after show but like two days in

it was like oh Jesus I mean at that point anyone anyone to touch it if the dog rushed past it you're so

velvet touch yeah it's like you're so un touch yeah it's like you're so ungover and stuff and bleary and that first come

after a session unbelievable did you come no that's why I messaged him a year later unfinished business

already so I was fucking swatted again because he had such a velvet touch this is great what are you doing

love this what are you up to listen I was 19, 20 experimenting with myself exploring myself I think it's good to experiment no there's nothing wrong with it

but it's just an odd way of doing it what getting assaulted and then going yeah go on actually going after him actually mate I was wrong finish I was wrong finish the job Oh yeah, go on. Actually. Going after him. Actually, mate.

I was wrong. Finish. I was wrong. Finish the job. This isn't half a job, Harry. Come back here. I'll taste me toffee sloppy. Halfway through.

You hungry, mate? You hungry? Holes out of his ass. Soggy crisp. Yeah, yeah. You got anything to eat? Funnily enough. Toppy soggy.

Soggy crispygy crisp oh fucking hell how long did you work at the sauna for I wasn't there long did anyone come up and not know what it was your job was like do you know what this is

yeah because it was just a door in the side of a building so there was no windows you couldn't see into it and there was a sign saying what it was called

you couldn't see what it was so I remember there was a sign saying what it was called you couldn't see what it was so guys I remember there was these Irish builders and they turned up and they were banging on the thing and they were like

hey hey hey we want to come in and I'm like alright you know what this is and they went yeah and I went alright and they went yeah we always come in here

and they just they've got wives and that but they're away working and he just said yeah we always come down here we get sucked off and we go home. So I buzzed him in. He put a little giggle up.

They went home. It's just because that's how they said it. In their Irish accent. Yeah, we come down, we get sucked off and we go home. Are they illegal? All right.

What's it called? A sauna, a gay sauna. A gay sauna. There's loads in town. Are they illegal though? No, no,

they're not. Well, they're builders. They're saunas. They're not, they're not like. Knocking jobs. Yeah, sex happens in them, but that's not what it's there for it's like like a health club oh yeah yeah yeah you go down there you have a sauna you have a chat with the

lads scanning yeah he said wink wink i said wank wank it's a sort of like it's one of them things where everyone's like fair enough yeah it's it's all consenting adults things happen let's not say health and safety down there not knowing what it was and then you went and you were like oh then yeah i mean no everybody thought it was is this the candy shop i've got my poppers already what i um yeah there was there wasn't anyone everyone it wasn't quite because it was just this door you knew what it was you knew what it was there was no nothing that said sauna there was nothing like there's a lot of that going on though isn't it because like brothels are illegal there's because it's sex it? Yeah, but they're allowed to run.

Like, it's like a law that hasn't been passed, but the police or the local authorities know they're there, and it's just a sort of controlled ignoring, isn't it? No, Shangri-La's just always got... Yeah, because you're probably, like, trafficking. If it's trafficking, then yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's different today.

But they'd rather... Because people are always going to be sex workers like the old cliche is world's oldest job it's the oldest oldest job isn't it so it'll always happen

drop it's the oldest Didier Drogba and Didier Drogba's now a sex worker big game player yeah fuck it

you would be upset wouldn't you if you went to a brothel and Didier was the only last there. I get a picture with him. Oh, what's wrong with that? Who hasn't been wanked off by Didier Drogba at a party? Who scores eight goals in nine finals, mate.

I'd have a chat with him. Oh, yeah. What a player. It's a weird one that they're just like, yeah, it's there, but they're safer there than... You don't want Didier Drogba on the street, do you? No.

Classic stupid conversation. We're potentially having a serious conversation and you're like, no, just keep putting Didier Drogba in it. Get him on the street, put Didier Drogba in the sheets, mate. Oh, yeah. No following it. Let's have a break. Part four. no following it let's have a break part four part four

of four yeah rich hello tell us where your new special's out so it's on ITVX

and it's called you can have it so much better and it's my Edinburgh show from last year well it's like a it's my Edinburgh show from last year but it's called You Can Have It So Much Better. And it's my Edinburgh show from last year. Well, it's like a, it's my Edinburgh show from last year, but it's also like, like best of. I whacked all the best stuff in it. And it, it comes from, I was obsessed weirdly

with the second album by Franz Ferdinand in the lockdowns. And then the show just came from that. And my mate gave me a jacket from one of their videos. Used to dress bands and he'd give me this jacket and it just came from that. And my mate gave me a jacket from one of their videos. Used to dress bands. And he'd give me this jacket and it just came from that. So this whole show is like, I wear this jacket that's way too small.

Franz Ferdinand lads are tiny. And I'm a lump. And I wore this. They're a fucking great band. Was it an evening show or a matinee? Hello, mate. Hello, mate. How you doing? I thought that was good. There you go. Hello, mate. How you doing?

I thought that was good. There you go. Franchise on song. Carl loved it. Are you on tour as well? So I'm doing that. That's available now. Off the back of that,

hopefully next year, booking some dates. Where can we find you? We usually do this at the end, but we'll do it now. Where can we find you? Everywhere. I'll be everywhere. I'm just aiming to go everywhere. I've got a baby on the way, so I've we usually do this at the end but we'll do it now where can we find you everywhere I'll be everywhere

I'm just aiming to go everywhere I've got a baby on the way so I've got to do this oh man it's got to work yeah a baby during December

I'm on tour this week it starts this week Thursday the 31st 15 sellout shows I'll tell you where we could do with some sales listen up if you live near here

Nantwich Middlesbrough is ticking up it's not sold out yet. Salford. Shrewsbury. Oxford. I've sold 80 tickets. That's good.

Yeah. Adam's Oxford one last year was the egg. Right. I don't want it to be the egg. So Oxford. Fucking turn up from Oxfordshire. I don't know. Like, is it going to be...

There's loads of locals around there. Is it the same room as Adam's? Yeah, the Glee. It's going to be great. It's locals around there is it the same room as Adams yeah the Glee it's going to be great it's good erm er Leicester Warwick

some more tickets in Brighton Cardiff Sheffield Belfast and Dublin I need the Irish lids out Skipton Sale

and the last show is Liverpool at the Phil there's loads of sold out shows those are some that could do with a little kick in the fucking balls. Jamie,

oh, dannightingale.com. I can't wait. I'm so happy to be back on tour and I'm not doing it again for three years. So I am looking forward to it, but I'm also looking forward to

the break. Just not doing it. Yeah. Jamie, what about you, me? My debut tour. Whoa.

7,000 tickets now. Well done, mate. We need more I start the 20th of September at the Frog and Bucket there's still some tickets left for that I need help in Northampton I'm ill advised booking but we'll

have a laugh so come down to Northampton especially if you have a large family or 80 friends literally so we've got tony coma doing our tour and like is it tuesday that she sends you the sales updates and i'm like fuck me flying flying oh it's so good warwick yeah and i also could do the pushing card if it's just a big room um it'll be a mint gig anyway it's a great room so uh cardiff all tickets at jim h comedy.com please congrats muscle tough my friend thank you it's very exciting yeah now first no it's not his first because the reason i've come back to this is because when i was doing dan

nightingale's in the house fucking ages ago amazing podcast did you enjoy it i came around was it before you ever did a pod yeah because yeah insane in the membrane is flying isn't it yes yes later on but i think i was one of the first people to go i'm gonna try and do a podcast just talking to comedy mates and the whole thing was i went around to people's houses basically and i was in london and one day i did julian dean yes and then came around to yours you used to live like north london no it was when you lived near charlton i was in south yeah yeah yeah oh so i was still married and and yeah and your son came in and he was i would guess 19 20 years old then so i would guess that your son is 27, 28 years old now. 31.

Oh my God. What the fuck? That's a big age gap. He's 31. I've got another one, Bailey. They've got the same mum. He's 26. And yeah, I was out of the woods.

I was like, yeah, that's me, dad. Can I ask how old you are, Rich? 51. Well done, lad. Rich, it's amazing. I want to be a granddad, but my 31-year-old's just not cracking on. I know what I'll do.

I'll have another kid. It's a fucking beautiful move. I'm ready now. I've done all the gear. I've done all the going out. There isn't any... I was a dad in the early 90s. There was a lot of distractions.

Do you know what I mean? It's the 90s, you know? So, I mean, I've got a really good relationship with my two lads they're both they're both amazing boys i'm really good mates with their mum and yeah i was never gonna do it again and then uh i met my now wife and we had a chat and we were like look if it happens it happens because she was like i don't want it to not be on the table but you know let's we won't have to try let's see what we do we had this filthy night and the night the day after i was being on the come down conceived in kink

mate honestly i don't even want to go into it but oh he's gonna see this when he's grown up bode sorry mate yeah yeah yeah james was there getting wanked off by his mate. But the Irish lads were really accommodating. So encouraging. Have you got a name, Sosa? Yeah, Bodie. When did you do? Yeah, yeah, December.

Is that a thing to decide that early? I always thought like you. I think there's so many different things. I think a lot of girls dream about it for years. Did you both decide on that? Yeah. It was going to be River if it was a girl. I think a lot of girls dream about it for years. Did you both decide on that? Yeah. It was going to be River if it was a girl. And then we went to have the scan where you find out.

And the nurse had the scanner on my lovely wife Kate's belly. And then she's going, I can't really see. The baby's in a funny position. And then as the thing went across like that, it was like he rolled around and you just see this massive dong. You couldn't go go you're like I'm not sure you're like that's a

look at that that's a lad that look at that that is alright that yeah when we scanned for my son it took longer aww

so it's me having a small dick yeah yeah we got it we just felt bad I've seen your sons dick loads

that wow no because he's he's not even on Sunday just before that because he's

obviously embarrassment and shame it's not born into you oh Jack absolutely it was a sunny afternoon he was just running around

we were playing footy with him and he was just head to toe, bollock naked, didn't give a fuck, sitting there on the phone. There was one point

when he got a little overdone and he sort of had a towel on. Carl was where Jamie is now. And it was like he was going, what are you going to do about it? What are you going to do about this? At one point, Laura even went,

put that towel over. And he was like, nah, fuck it. My house. My house. He was like the happy, fuck it. My house. My house. My house. He was so free, wasn't he? Just playing foot.

It was so funny. I'd love that, to go back to that. To just be able to just... I'm not a nudist, but just to not have to worry about... Yeah, no shame. If you're in your own house as well, just wander around. Mind you, I know people with mums and dads do that. Told you.

I do it. Do you? I'm naked in my house. I'm naked a lot. When people come over? No. Oh. I'm just wandering around. If i'm in the house on my own yeah i mean if cedric is there too i'm naked i'm just naked naked or dressing he was naked at my house as well he felt comfortable he was like well jack's got his dick out why can't i just these weird impressions on the sofa carl's got carl's

got a rule that if it's in his own house that he can do absolutely anything he wants. And we haven't had an official judgment on this, but I feel it's almost like a Rorschach test. Like what do you, if you walk past Carl's house, windows up, window, like everything open and Carl's just in, I'm sure that's illegal it is

illegal no i'm sat on if i'm sat on the couch naked which i am i'll have a blanket on or whatever and if i stand up i'll make sure i'm not like flashing the window yeah yeah someone looks at my house and see you can get done for indecent exposure in your own own house? Yeah, in your own house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I've heard. Anyway. This is one time at band camp. Like, have I opened the door naked? Yeah. But if I'm in my fucking gaff, don't look.

If I'm in my garden, fuck off. Naked in front of me mates. If they come round for a brew or something. It's just whatever it is. Shit, we've all got dicks. You get naked. Now I know this.

Now I know this. Like, if I was to go to your house, now I'm aware, I chain tree yeah now I know this like if I was to go to your house now I'm aware I'd be like yeah well that's what he does I'm going he's invited me to his house

no I would make sure I was dressed don't worry I'd be like yeah fuck off I'm not coming around now I don't invite people around and be naked

oh I see but if I'm on my own in the house I'm like I don't want to wear fucking jeans so dick out is the only other option

do you know how freeing it is do you know how freeing it is to make toast with your cockles yeah if I'm making food I don't have me knob out nah I do

it's a rule no you can't you can't do steak with your dick out no you can't I hate to spit oh my god

no not to spit I'm a popper not a spitter fact I love I can't wait for you to get done how can I get done indecent exposure

I've got thingy shutters things you'd have to like properly come up to me oh yeah if you're like spying

through your dick my neighbours have seen me ass a few times brewing up in the morning because I just come down naked I have a coffee in the morning just to start my day

and my curtains only go yay high because I broke the string thing. So like a little hearing through and they often just see me and I was out here again. I remember years and years ago and I was with the mother of my kids. So this is back in the 90s

and we were moving house and the mother of my kids used to have like bracelets like metal bracelets and always clanking your kid here clanking about so i'm in the bathroom and i was doing whatever i'm doing and i heard this clanking and i've come running out the bathroom i'm going like i mean not about and it was her uncle colin with keys he just goes alright Richard yeah yeah yeah good man

yeah yeah I thought you were Lisa I thought you were Lisa your rules yeah yeah that's just we need some

we need some legal advice Jack did it buy the jacket away with it because he's two and a half so right cool I'll ring the police

I'm just hey something's falling get my two year old on the sex offenders register nice one simple we'll do some

simple pleasures okay if you agree we'll give him a nice little well done just those it can't be like you know

when you win the lottery yeah yeah the birth of your second child 31 year age yeah and people do that weird it can't be like you know when you win the lottery yeah on a date the birth of your second child 31 year age difference yeah and people do that weird thing

it's not a weird thing they just they go oh congratulations and then they're shaking their head at the same time they go like oh congratulations

you fucking idiot no you've got fucking loads of babysitting options I'd love you to be my dad you know I'd be your dad do you know what I'm at your dad. You've got a great vibe.

Do you know what? I'm at that age now. Are you adopting? Yeah, fine. You and your mate, come round. You can make each other up all you like. I'll make the tea. You're so good like that.

That's the thing. I'm getting to that age now where people would think it's cute if I was to date their mums. Do you know what I mean? It's not like they go, oh, look at those two. I honestly wouldn't mind it whatsoever if they came on when you know what I mean? It's not like they go, oh, look at those two. I honestly wouldn't mind it whatsoever

if I came on when you were there. See? Not one bit. It's that. Yeah, mum needs company since dad passed. I'm at that age. You're getting all that widow and puss. Just hanging around at the funeral

seeing who's crying the most. And you've got that dog in you, you know, I know you'd satisfy me, mum, which is needed I'd smash it I was having a good time the thing is

about my mum I love her you know but she's a dog but she needs a good mum needs scenes simple pleasure when Rich Wilson

sees to your mum yeah yeah yeah anyone watching you need me to suck your mum out I'm your man. Fraser McNair says, Wag Wag Boys,

simple pleasure, remembering you have a toasty maker and then only eating toasties for the next three days. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Classic. Classic. Yeah. Mate, I didn't even realise

we had a George Foreman grill. What? I've totally missed it. Like, it's obviously been a while. Yeah. Laura was like, I'm going to make toasties on the George Foreman grill, which has got the single ridge going one way.

Laura toasted it for a little bit, flipped it, just cross, cross little grid on it. Oh, it was a beautiful fucking toastie. Nice. Yeah, that's exactly what I said. That groundsman got edumated. Yeah, the last one, yeah. Where'd he go? City, I think. Saudi Arabia, no? that's exactly what I said that groundsman got Edum yeah the Leicester one

yeah where did he go City I think Saudi Arabia no he's on 273 million classic Saudis football's gone hasn't it football's gone

this is my favourite thing of the moment football's fucking gone isn't it football's fucking gone Andy Carroll's on 22 million a week I just remembered

I had a talk about Toastie Maker so I'm going to have a toastie later thank you whoever sent that it was Fraser McNair had a talk about Toastie Maker, so I'm going to have a Toastie later. Thank you, whoever sent that. It was Fraser McNair. Thank you, Fraser McNair.

When you find the Toastie Maker when you're having a proper calm down Sunday, that's the best. And you're like, have we got cheese? Have we got beans? Cheese and ham, bit of onion. Cheese and ham, beans. Oh, God.

Sausage. Yeah. Steak. Yeah, steak in there. Nutella. Nutella Nutella that's a good one toffee flimsy

what have you got toffee flimsy toffee flimsy Andy says got a simple pleasure for you passing a toffee flimsy passing

between bum cheeks is that going on the merch now toffee flimims big night last night passing a football ground when you're on a train doesn't care what level it is seeing any kind of stands

and sets of goals gives me gives me a little bit of joy you pass I think you pass Walsall and Villa Park on the way to Birmingham

the simple one when you're with your mates and you know what it is you're like oh that's there and it is I think that's that's, that's there. And it is. Yeah. I think that's Stockport. If you can go into Euston Station

without going, Wembley. Is something wrong with you? Yeah. It's part of the... You wait for it. It's literally, just before you stand up

and get your bags, you go. No, it's about eight minutes. Yeah, it's about ten minutes. On the left, as you're coming in, you're like, oh,

and it looks sick, doesn't it? Do you know, similar ilk to this is if you're on the left as you're coming in you're like oh and it looks sick doesn't it do you know similar ilk to this is if you're in the pub and you're having like a footy question or whatever

like top 50 French scorers someone says one that you've completely left your head and someone else oh what about an elk and you go fucking an elk

yeah no I'd say David Bellion it fits like a glove David Bellion that sort of thing yeah remembering a football that you've mean that sort of thing yeah remembering the football that you just forgotten yeah yeah but in in under the pretense of a trivia scenario you get the one that no one can get yeah seymour says simple pleasure cleanly tearing off a large toenail

oh my god chewing on it ah mate come on man oh my god what you do if you get one and then another one and you put them on your lip so you don't chew it but you put it on your lip like that

and it looks like a little lip guard you shouldn't be allowed to have feet mate you're a dirty boy you're a really dirty bit I got a mate and I was sitting there

watching the telly with him and I was up staying at his house in Manchester and he was just sat watching the telly with him. And I was up staying at his house in Manchester. And he was just sat watching the telly and then picking the dead skin off his feet and put it in his mouth. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it's made me feel weird ever since. I've not said anything. He's watching this. I saw you. I saw you. I went to uni with a guy called Al who had a skin disorder on his feet it just went

dead like a fucking like an elephant's hoof and he used to cut it off with a knife oh mate in the living room shout out Al he was a fucking great house mate actually he was a good lad but it was

gross and because he hated it, but he was like, I live here, what are my men doing? And you're like, just not in the living room. He could literally cut the corners off the sole of his foot because the skin was all white and dead. And just like, you sat there trying to watch. Like he was peeling a coconut. Oh, did you ever do that?

Don't you nasty. Did you ever do that? Pritch stick your arm and wait it go dry and then just peel it off. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah that? Don't you? Nasty. Did you ever do that? Pritch stick your arm and wait it go dry and then just peel it off. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was great, that. I actually love doing that.

I'll do that anyway. I've got psoriasis. I've been a simple pleasure, by the way, I was watching a film the other day. Do you know what I love? When a film ends and then it gives you the text

and it ties all the story up. Do you know what I mean? The film ends and it's like, they went on to get... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a biography of that. It's almost like an old, like an older thing, isn it it's like yeah they stayed together for 30 years and like you see all you know everything that's happened it's all done you like it it's the opposite of a cliffhanger yeah you find everything especially if it's a true story

like this happened in real life these are the pictures of the real people that happened yeah yeah that's a great shout. Great shout. Remember the Titans? Is that one of them? Remember the Titans? Amazing. About the first black coach.

Yeah. Shane Gillis has, has got a bit about it in a, in his special life from Austin. It's basically the, the film is exactly what happened at Alabama football, where they were like, it's all white boys all the white boys and then la came like southern california came with all these black athletes and absolutely yeah like hump them and then the next day bear brown or whatever the coach was like come on now and then they got black players on

the thing like literally that's all it took he was took there's a film about it, remember the Titans it was like years and years, hundreds of years of like we don't trust them football's for white boys and then like one football season they're like these are my brothers just because the high school football team was winning yeah it's a great film, is that Denzel?

yes, Disney as well oh it's Disney Denzel Disney Washington Dan W says simple pleasure I think we might have had this one but it's like an all-timer

isn't it peeling that protector off that new thing you just got that sort of the phone screen protector oh like off your laptop I hate the people

who leave it on what are you doing that for? I peel off the second. It keeps it safe. Well, people do that. They did it with butter and they leave the bit of paper right under the lid.

I do that. Do you? I don't know why, but I put it back into the top of the lid when I take it off and then when I put it back, it goes back again. Really?

I don't know. Yeah, people used to say, you can't play as a vase because it'll scratch me, but I'll... Oh, like don't put it back it goes back again really I don't know yeah people used to say don't you can't play as a ball because it'll scratch my ball oh like don't put it on the

concrete yeah that's right yeah yeah yeah if you're going to the park don't bounce it because it's my

new good one yeah but with street ballers man I used to love those balls that were like leather

like had been leather but they're just so scuffed up and just go white yeah and you can peel them off and see the rubber and then you take the whole thing out and it'd be like a big fucking absolute ball like yeah mate we got banned from school at school for taking them in because when it would rain and they'd soak up all the rain and then you'd see kids going in after after lunch with just half a football shape yeah on their face. We were just booting it up. A case ball,

that's the old person. A case ball, yeah. Aaron Scott Roberts says, simple pleasure, overtaking someone in the lanes in a drive-through. Oh my God.

The Mahis. I don't drive. So what I'll do is, I'll pull up to the Mahis and it's one of them two lane ones that merges into one. I don't like going

into the right because you've got to do a turn that's too tight i'm gonna i'm gonna care my wheels so i want to go in the left but if i can manage to get past two cars going on the left i won't let them in them i'm one of them i hate like i hate me but i love doing it it's like i've beat the system there sometimes i'll order on the app for that reason because you don't have to do the order like before i'm going it makes it makes you faster yeah you literally just go i've got an app order and they go right off you go oh you don't have to do your so here's my thing with the drive-thru here's my thing with the drive-thru if it's busy and you you can tell because the one in chester say you get to the first one uh just after the person in the other one has got there you know they're ordering first

and and they know you've ordered second so they go forward and then you go forward but you can't go very far because it's busy it's that next cunt who comes into their lane who does a quick order who goes right behind them and then he's like nah nah i'm here mate you're like no this works like what did we talk about with p Furman? It's a zip. I hate the cunts who are like, nah. In my head, I'm like, I will fucking damage both our cars. I am going to drive.

This is my God-given right. I ordered second. You ordered third. Fuck off if you think you're jumping that. But if you get away with it, you've smashed it. I hate them cunts. I hate them as well, but if you get to do it, you're like, ha-ha! This is why I'm glad I drive a car that i've paid it off it isn't worth loads anyway i will i'll fucking scuff it up and be like it's your fault and also in that thing like if the police came

and they were like well what happened here we don't we'd have to pay for each other's damage and i'll fucking pay mine yeah you cunt I hate it I hate it but it's funny I love this I didn't realise it was like battle royale with Donald's driver

I honestly think if you tried it with me and it was blatant with your car and my car I'll back off I think you have to back off your car is worth

six times what mine's worth what have you got what car are you driving RS Q3 nice what have you got a 2010 Q7 that has seen better days yeah i won't go anywhere near that

it'll go straight through the shops it's a juggernaut he would beat me and i would if someone looks at my car i want to cry never mind if they touch it i had a brilliant thing the other day i went for the mcdonald's drive-thru for breakfast and they chucked in i had four hash browns oh oh hang on. For free? Yeah. What time was it? Because if it's very close to the sort of end of breakfast, I've had this before.

It's literally getting to the point where they're like, they've flipped over to French fries. If they've got excess hash browns, they're like, in they go. No, this was like 8 o'clock. 8 o'clock in the morning. Can I have a life pack what happened I missed that what was that

I said life hack life back he's unstoppable have you seen the app it's relentless there's an app now where restaurants that are closing

you can you do it in supermarkets as well yeah you pay maybe a fiver and you get like 40 kids yeah yeah yeah

yeah I've seen that so you can you can feel really hungry all day but at 10pm you get like 40 kids yeah yeah yeah yeah I've seen that so you can you can feel really hungry all day but at 10pm you eat like a kid but you know what kosher needs as well in like Tesco

if it's like been off fruit or whatever why don't they just give it to homeless shelters because if them homeless people then get sick they're liable

is that what it is this is on the homeless community stop suing people just take your day old state mates and enjoy. That'd be a good film, like Karen Brockovich, but an homeless man takes Tesco down.

He's got one shoe on. Because he got the shits off a baguette. Was it just a baguette? He got the shits off a baguette. I'll hold the baguette. He hasn't much time in the toffee flumes yet, but he's asked. Right, let's

let's do some pet peeves because we like going skewing negative we did simple pleasures for a while but it was just all too positive

so we're doing some pet peeves we haven't got a jingle for it Jamie you've showed some real skill before just add libber jingle

pet peeves little annoyances go for it oh that's good right on me wick this week pet peeves I can't decide if I hate it go for it oh that's good right on me wick this week pet peeves

I can't decide if I hate it or love it that was great Josh Shaw are you sure about that

when people stop in the middle of the shop door to chat when people block a door entrance to a shop because they're having a convo. I think that's minor because you just say,

oh, excuse me, can I just get in? Yeah, if you say no, then no. Normally shop doors are quite wide as well, unless it's like a convenience shop. Oh, Josh says in thin-doored shops. Your local Ombudsman should read this. Laura's really not good with that like spatial awareness

in that like if we're somewhere busy and she's like oh Jack needs something she just sort of stops dead in the middle of the

pavement or whatever to go I'm attending to my booker and I just want I just want to move I'm like let's have a little

thoroughfare people leave a shop or get off a train and then they stop dead and they're doing their bag and they just yeah yeah train ones be ready to go yeah go yeah yeah yeah or they'll just or they fuck about

looking for their ticket at the gate no fucking yeah or they get another one when you're rushing and you need to get a ticket this is before the apps and things like that and a family in front would be letting the kid press the button for the tickets what ticket are we getting now jemima like get that fucking thing out the way she can buy pensions in post offices yeah pensions in post offices oh they just want to talk about the price of stamps but they've gone there for the day out haven't they yeah that's the only human they've spoken to in a month yeah unnecessary panicking though don't and people panic unnecessarily in airports? Do you know what I mean? Like, oh, fuck, my passport and that. And just calm down. You'll get on the plane.

Just shut up. Just go, where do we go now? Everyone's just so flustered. By the time they finish the airport, they need a fucking holiday. Hey. Hey. He's so chump with you.

I lost faith in the fashion. I saw it. I saw the moment I was like I felt the wheels coming off your point I go to I go to Tesco at certain times

and it's quiet and it's it's when they've just refreshed the fruit and veg but it's when all the old people are there and it used to piss me off like the

the old people in front chatting with them like it's just probably the only chat he's had all day innit so you kind of just wait just like you're like oh you alright son

have you had a good day talking to like the cashier I'm like just let him fucking go with it because you've got no other thing to enjoy I feel for him when they're queuing for

they're queuing for Marks and Spencers to open yeah yeah they just want to do something don't they let them have it it is annoying if you're in a rush though innit

yeah but like the call up at ours there's very regularly just one person on the tail and you're like... It's the panicking, like, have I got this? And I've got that.

It just winds me on my... Have you ever missed a flight? I feel like you've definitely... Oh, in fact, I've been there when you've missed a flight. I miss Bertrand Sports, lads. It's the people that stand up when it goes right.

We're boarding for planes what and stand in the queue everyone stands in the queue you've got your seat what are you doing we've discussed that though I still think overhead locker is the reason

is that what it is I think they're like they don't want to be stuck in that hole yeah but I don't know like oh yeah you're so cool you sat down while people are queuing up

soz fucking Danny Zuko I thought that was going somewhere else oh mate i can't help being cool man it just is uh callum gordon says pet peeve the banging sound when you have your car window open and you go way too fast oh sorry you're going too fast i sort of know what he means oh you're opening another window well it's i think sometimes if you've got the back windows open there's a weird sort of know what he means. Oh, you've got to open another window. I think sometimes if you've got the back windows open, there's a weird sort of like... I love it.

And you feel like you're in a jet. Yeah, it's not annoying. Callum Gordon does not like it. That's actually a simple pleasure. I feel cool. Yeah, you feel like you're in a film. Yeah. I feel like you sat down at an airport

and people are queuing. Cool. Simple pleasure. Sitting down. We have actually had that. Joe S says, pet peeve when you leave a tissue in your pocket when you wash your kegs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck off. Every time. Carly says, when you're putting your shop in on the conveyor and a dickhead behind you starts putting their stuff on before you have finished. When does that happen? Yeah, Carly says, when you're putting your shop in on the conveyor and a dickhead behind you starts putting their stuff on before you have finished. When does that happen?

Yeah, Carly. Are people assuming the divider? I'll put the divider there, don't worry. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, of course. Oh, hang on. But the divider can't go down before you've put all your stuff on. Exactly, so what are they doing?

Yeah, I think that's what Carly's saying. Who was I doing? Did someone do that? People have done that. They're the same dickheads that queue for their plane seat. See, what I'll do is I'll wait until the silver bit at the end of the thing. I'll start loading that up

instead. Creating a barricade. Yeah. Yeah. Harry, did you say there was some... We're going to Harry now, who is fast becoming our content producer. Did you say you've got an idea for Jamie? So people have been asking for Adam

to bring back Adam's adverts from a while ago when he would basically pitch advert ideas. So you give him the product and he'd go with the advert yes and we were walking back from lunch and jamie said that he used to come up with adverts for mints that didn't exist can you explain it not just mints mints with a t i i used to send advert ideas so i was sent to innocent smoothies um and i sent them songs and stuff. So I went, we made this smoothie.

We made this smoothie with fresh fruit. We made this smoothie. That's brilliant. The mango plays the banjo. Because it was a fruit rock band called Banana Drama. John Lemon. John Lemon, surely.

John Lemon, yeah. Dave Plums on drums. Yeah, Dave Plums and John Lennon. We didn't change the name of that. It's too good for wordplay. Dave Plums on drums. Morris the Mango on banjo. And then the real Martin Kemp.

Hang on, who's Dave Drums? Who are we missing there? Dave Plums. Who's that? Oh, it rhymes with drums. Right. And it's just the real Martin Kemp. And Martin K kemp wants to take it seriously do you know what i mean he's out the spandu ballet he's out of east senders he wants to carve a new a new career

with banana drama yeah and he's just surrounded by these fruit who are always getting on it and that because innocent what makes fruit cool do you know what i mean so this lemon's getting on it and all that getting on the lime and that i know do you remember um vh1 behind the music yeah yeah yeah so yeah it's like like interviews with the band heads that's what the advert idea was the lemon's like yeah just couldn't get on with the pun man don't mean okay how long are these adverts no it's hang on do you do the full you do the full campaign and then after that the second campaign

essentially episodes yeah yeah you're breaking up back in our age it used to be good there'd be episodes yeah essentially

episodes and get on this right Molly Yogurt yeah so I sent I had an email conversation with Innocent it's a hand as well

I sent I had an email conversation with Innocent Anna from Innocent Smoothies she played it to the office and all that I sent one to Mother Yogurt get on this this is sick Yogurt for kids

yeah exists called Yog Yogs with a Z like a frub yeah but pot wise and it's remember the jingle now yog yogs

it does sound like a slur you mean yog yog back to where you came from so I sent this on audio to Muller yog yogs yog yogs give your tummy and bones a texture smile yog yogs yog yogs make your. Give your tummy and bones a texture smile. Yog, yogs, yog, yogs.

Make your teeth as strong as a crocodile. Snap, snap. Yog, yogs, yog, yogs. A tasty treat for kids and even grown-ups too. Yog, yogs, yog, yogs. Pick your favourite colour, red, yellow or blue. Have I been spiked? This is, this is...

Can I just say, tummy and bones in the same... That didn't feel right. Calcium. Yeah, I know. You have a choked... For your tummy and bones. No, the calcium, bro. Kids are always like,

I'm worried about my bones, man. You haven't told us the pièce de résistance. No. We all like fresh breath. We do. Sure. We're not doing these. These are well better. better we've got some suggestions these are the better ones jamie just doing his own we all like fresh breath we all like pussy i mean you can't argue with it so let me introduce you to compliments mate so the guy's

walking down right he's in aldi at So the guy's walking down, right? He's in Aldi at a supermarket. He's walking down. He's got his little compliments. And the woman goes, hey, I love compliments. And the guy goes, huh, you have pretty eyes. And she goes, no, compliments. He goes, ah, compliments.

And then it blacks out and it cuts them in the bed. And instead of having to sing after sex, I have a compliment. Do you think advertising standards would get involved there? Basically, the advert is, if you take these minutes, women will fuck you. That's what the mission statement is.

Fresh breath and pussy. Compliments. That's going to be in my head Fresh breath and pussy. Compliments. That's going to be in my head now all the way home. All the way on the train. I'll be saying it later and my wife will go, what are you singing? Compliments. You love them.

You're a woman. We need to make that our best, please. Compliments. No, compliments. It's not going to be bad. Shall we call that a pod, boys? Yes. Bang in. Jamie Jamie thanks so much

for standing in thanks for having me really appreciate it good luck on the old Torsies Rich love you love you too thanks for having me

been an absolute pleasure to see you good to see the superstars man it's been good I've enjoyed it next time although that jumper's lovely don't wear it for the couch

yeah I didn't think that through me like it's a stunner but you've I think you're the second sort of camouflage guest. Yeah. Good luck with everything. And we'll all go watch your special on ITVX.

That's it. Sounds like a sexy ITV. And Insane in the Membrane podcast, where you can get your audio files from. We've also got another one called But Please Don't Panic, which is about talking about films like Sharknado. It's all about B-movies Sharknado and Sharktopus

and all that it's nonsense and we haven't got a producer so it's chaos well we've got a producer and it's still chaos love it

erm Carl love you what a lovely time it was you know at my house with you looking at my child's dick Finn

I was doing more than that what a thing what what what a finish man i'm looking forward to the after it's the notes and they live definitely ever after Carl spent 15 years in prison

compliment in bed for Jack compliment I'm not even editing this either because we're going to A3 tomorrow you were that would be illegal

to edit that out Finn we've got a tune and I hear these guys are fucking great yeah before before we go to jamie i just want to put a little psa out there i'm looking for a keyboard player for my band so if you're a keyboard player in the northwest give me a dm uh get in touch jamie what's the tune yes it's a band i'm very much affiliated with because i've been in a lot of their music videos. This week's tune is Vulture Authority, Last Orders.

Check them out on YouTube, Spotify, et cetera. Nice. Love you all. Ta-ra. Oh, it's just one of them, isn't it? Everyone's had a take. Fast approaching is the end of the night Show me what the curse behind your eyes Your jaw is swinging and your coffin's arrived But there's still time to put the world to rest

Tell me what floats your boat Tell me how you cast your vote Find how you're supposed to be And come paint the town red with me A key in the heart of Hell's ignition While I bound the Uruguayan Primera Division The invincible El Tanque, Sicily You never come out no more You're always busy Bursting through your door

With a drunken metaphor From now until the end of time We'll stay in your kitchen and talk shite And simultaneously lost and found Heads roll and I take the crown And I won't back down, I won't back down When the story rolls around Down, down, down, down Making a scene, not coming clean To all that's gone before, rest in peace Causing through my veins, burning in the rain

I'm king of this town today This is your first and final warning. I won't back down, I won't back down, when my story's rolled around. This is your first and final warning. I won't call it a night till seven in the morning, cos I'm a veteran of the session. Oh, it's just one of them, isn't it? you