Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #243 with Kane Brown & Vittorio Angelone - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: September 24, 2023

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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Have A Word, the podcast, the greatest podcast on the planet, pound for pound, that is official, okay? First of all, before we start with our usual spiel, do us a favour, if you're watching this on YouTube, hit that subscribe button and hit that bell. We're closing in slowly on the 100k that gets a nice plaque, so do that for us, okay? Now listen, not only are we just the best group of lads on planet Earth, me and this fella we're comedians stand-up comedians and we're on two separate tours at the minute i'm doing my tour

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Mechnos Mechnos dead cheap holiday jet to booked it last minute 600 quid all in so we've got

Black Adam Black Adam I'm back that's a film isn't it yeah it is Carl and it was shit as well was it

I heard it was awful I didn't watch it I heard it was awful yeah it't watch it I heard it was awful yeah it's not for me that type of film is it The Rock? is it action?

no it's superhero oh is it? is it really? a superhero called Black Adam yeah but he's like an anti-hero but he's not black no

what? right yeah I don't know why they call him Black Adam why did they not get a black guy to do that? that's a good one one't know why they call him Black Adam, isn't it? Why did they not get a black guy to do that? That's a good one. One minute in. Yeah, they call him Get Black Adam

and then get a fucking Maui guy to do it. Hey, can I tell you? Yeah. I just assumed it was a black dude. Is it? I really did. It's the rock. Ow.

The rock's like Samoan, isn't he? What do you mean? Antihero. Oh, like Deadpool or something. Yeah, like Venom. Right. Oh, he's a lovable bad guy. Hancock, is he one?

Not Hancock. What's his name? Will Smith. Hancock, yeah. Like that. Like in Norbed, but he's a superhero. Yeah. But he's in Norbed.

Right. But Hancock was good, though. Yeah, that was great. Yeah, I liked it. That was kind of, yeah, that was good. It's old school. What was the one about the zombies that was fucking brilliant?

Zombieland? No, with Will Smith. Oh. Oh, I Am Legend. good it's old school what was the one about the uh zombies that was fucking brilliant zombie land no with will smith oh oh i am i am a legend they're bringing a number two out you know yeah what yeah say is it will smith yeah oh it's gotta be hasn't it i suppose yeah slapping the shit out of everybody chris rock zombies the best was um when he was in like the music store and he was like flirting with the mannequins oh yeah remember that he's a good actor you know yeah he's a great actor really good actor yeah it's just like it was

what got me was like you could go out in the day but they're in the they're in the shadows aren't they they can do the dark but then at night you have to bolt it up

night is scary I don't know why that and the same on me if Seneca goes on holiday I love the day I don't like the night anyone's ever lived in a city centre you know the vibe like And the same on me own. If Serica goes on holiday, I love the day. I don't like the night. Anyone's ever lived in a city centre,

you know the vibe like, well, fuck this. Let's get this fucking locked up. Before the night walkers come like, yeah, I had that. Got me chained. Liverpool's, hey, do you know what? This place has turned weird, you know?

When you don't come here often, you see the change. Like I saw women, when I last came in the summer, saw women walking around with plastic bags over their head. And I was like, what's that for? that for the seagulls i was it yeah seagulls i'm telling you the plastic bags like i thought it was to get the hair all extra curly not on top it was like they were holding it over their heads and just i was like what the fuck yeah this is

this place is gonna shit it when they work out umbrellas have been invented for about 250 years join vietnam it's illegal to not wear the helmet on a bike except if you've got your hair done This place is going to shit it when they work out umbrellas have been invented for about 250 years. Do you know in Vietnam it's illegal to not wear the helmet on a bike? Except if you've got your hair done, you're allowed to wear the plastic bag. Shut up. Where does he get this stuff from? He's travelled. Really?

Yeah, you're allowed to wear the plastic bag if you just had your hair done. So, all right then. So if it's like me and Dan now, so we have to wear helmet yeah i think the police pull you over and say just add me i don't know you take the bag off what if i've just had my dome polished not in a sexy way just under my dome polish when in thailand oh good i think the police wouldn't be having it no okay no so if no that's discrimination so if we just no let's be honest if we just shaved our head we've i've had my hair done yeah i have my head on every two or three days yeah yeah yeah decide what decides no i'd still

shave on top like this like it's doing something okay yeah i developed my my own head shaving technique in about 2004 and i used the same one it's just the razor's doing a lot less work these days on top of it two or three days if I'm on top of it but sometimes I let it go a bit longer what would happen if you just let it go for a few weeks I'd look like a paedophile teacher

more like a paedophile teacher like that awful it's down the side at the back I've got the monk now how much are you thinking for movember so much so like i don't even hate my head that much but i wear hats on the pod because of the earphones you look like a fucking specimen without without the hat but in life i will get my dome out yeah but i mean i'm i don't love it but when the hair starts growing and it's on the side and it's on the

back and then there's a few little wisps little fucking bum bum wisps i love your head i hate it but you've got a good you've got a good head shape man oh thanks you got honestly some people look really like the um the rock he looks better with no hair yeah yeah yeah he looks much better with no hair you're a cat man though aren't you now yeah but do you know what but you don't but i've seen your head yeah i've got a good head i've got a good head well no i've got a good head well no yeah but i just it's just habit it's just your look in it like everyone's got their look so it's like yeah it's my look shape of my beard well i was i was uh so when we're speaking about your clips of the day yeah josh jones didn't know who you were so my explanation was black eye cap salt and pepper

okay so that's your look that's my look yeah see there you go man it's like my my little uniform i stand out from everybody but it but when when you if you are going bald as soon as you've clipped it you're like listen i am bald but i've taken control the worst thing is the no it's fine it's fine because everyone knows it's not yeah oh i'd my head i'd look like prince william that i'll please his wife's fit oh this yeah and she married him for the hairline that was what she was like she wanted to be involved probably go to shape him up and say turn around um honestly if i could just do it for a week and show you like if it could grow like if hair just grew 10 times faster than it would grow i I would do it just for the fucking crack.

But it would take me three months and I would hate every day of that. What would you rather? Would you rather be able to have the body you want and not have to go to the gym or have the hair you want for the rest of your life? Oh, hair. Are you serious? Oh, mate. Hair. Can I just say it? Yeah. right and this is i think this is

like a really big thing because hair loss on women is always looked at as oh my god i'm so i'm so oh jesus what's happened but on men it's like a oh you can never laugh take the piss and whatever but so you it was devastating for you was it no it wasn't devastating it was a bit early but i was also like in my head i was like you're a good looking lad you pull it no it wasn't devastating it was a bit early but i was also like in my head i was like you're a good looking lad you pull it off so i was 23 i was like if the if it had massively changed like i don't know i still felt all right yeah but honestly i would rather have a little bit of the mantet and some flowing locks? Rather than be fucking jacked and look like a guy that sells like,

you know, car insurance. I'm telling you, man. If this is, and you know, this is the maddest thing what I've realized about people. You can have everything you want, apart from the hair, obviously.

But you could look fucking amazing. See like The Rock. You look good. It's like The Rock. The Rock. You don't look at him and think, oh, oh, he's a bald guy and he ain't got no hair look good. Is he like The Rock? The Rock, you don't look at him and think, oh, he's a bald guy and he ain't got no hair. No.

You just like, fuck, you know he's a specimen. If you started training, I'm telling you now, man, you'd change your life, mate. But is it not too late for me, Kane? No, man. I'm 42. Behave. How old's The Rock? Right, cool. 50.

Am I allowed to use performance enhancing drugs? Yeah. Yeah, right. A little bit of growth, a little bit of test. What do they call it? Test? On the test. You look good, man.

Growth hormone test. Not steroids. That's dirty. Just all the other stuff. Creatine. Yeah. Snort it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm into it. Do it. Get ripped. Oh, yeah. Do you know what? I've been waiting for this chat, but now I'm going. And I'm getting a wig. The actual glued-on toupee would be the move, wouldn't it?

No, they're good now, aren't they? Yeah, they're dead good. Like you can't tell? You'd have a plastic bag for the rain. But do you know what though? I've seen people who, you know how they could go on Instagram and you've seen where their hairline's a bit back

and it blends in. You can't, like you said, you can't, you can't see it. It's just extensions for men. Yeah. I think people might be able to see it on the podcast though. You know, when I spent three and a half years being totally bald, wearing caps, I turned up with a fucking quiff and a half. Yeah, but after a while, I've had a forgetting go.

It's done there, lovely. Just like getting your teeth done. Like if you go turkey and get your teeth done, no one goes back. Get your teeth done. That's been happening around here, mate. Listen. All fucking new tags. and get your teeth done, no one goes back. What? Get your teeth done. That's been happening around here, mate. Listen. All fucking new tags.

Adam got his teeth done. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He didn't get his teeth done. He got composite bonding, which is essentially getting your teeth done, but it's not there. Yeah. It's his teeth, but they've put just covered.

He didn't go turkey. He went muggle, you know? It's a lot closer. So what? It's the one where they put like the tooth on top of his tooth no that's veneers isn't it yeah it's bonding

let's be honest no one's quite sure because he's been weird about it oh is he his teeth look great just check his instagram and he looks like he's been fingering up the arse

just before he's taken any of your arm out I just grin it I have to look at it it's like you know like them kitchens that they do where you've got

like the old work the old wooden top and then they can come and put the marble is that what he's got yeah okay fair enough

but he looks good that's all that matters and that's all that matters bro he's looking great but that's fine teeth is fine if I turned up

with a fucking quiff there'd be a murder wouldn't there no for like a week yeah what look up Rob Holding Rob Holding is yeah Rob Holding yeah turned up with a fucking quiff, there'd be a murder, wouldn't there? No. For like a week. Yeah. What?

Look up Rob Holding, Joe. Rob Holding is. Yeah. Rob Holding? Yeah. Arsenal player. Arsenal player.

Oh yeah, Rob Holding. His was thin. Hasn't he gone somewhere else? He's gone to Brighton. Palace. Palace. I think so. Let me get the screen on.

I'll show you Rob Holding. But his hair's gone from. I think we've done this before. I think you've literally shown him before. Have we? Yeah. There's a couple of players like, well,

but then you just go, oh, his hair's nice now. And that's it. before. Oh, have we? Yeah. There's a couple of players, but then you just go, oh, his hair's nice now. And that's it. You don't... People, honestly... Yeah, that's easier than training, isn't it? No, but you know what it is? Even your missus would get used to it.

You'd be surprised. Look at that. Can you see that? Yeah. Oh, hello. Look at that. Oh, from... Look at that.

From fucking Bergkamp to... But that's expensive shit. Like, that's the good gear, isn't it? Oh. Hold on, wait a second gear, isn't it? Oh. Hold on, wait a second. What has he done? He's gone to Turkey. Really?

Yeah. That's Turkey, yeah, that. But that's like, he's gone to the best surgeons, hasn't he? Yeah. He's gone to the best. Look at that. That's probably about 50 grand.

Phenomenal. From Wesley Schneider to Diego Forlan. I'd say the usual ones, maybe six, seven grand. I mean, he's gone to the... That's proper. But that's like Floyd Mayweather as well. Has he ever done...

Oh, yeah, yeah. But Mayweather, it's all... I don't know what he's done. He's plucked his arsehole hair or something because I don't know where he's got the grass from. Quite curly, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. But it's...

Yeah, that's right. It's like it's different textures. So you know, like you've got like hair everywhere. Like, look, it's everywhere. Like, it's on top. It's like... And it's dense as well. So I don't know what the fuck he's,

and his beard as well. Oh yeah, it looks like he's been, oh shit, it looks like he's been on a desert island and everything's just grown out. Yeah. Like he's gone the full. Yeah, yeah. I don't know where he's got the,

I don't know where he's got the grass from, mate. So wait, what are you training? When you talk about training, what do you do? Do you know what do you do? Do you know what? How often? I've stopped training that often.

So I'll train probably two, three times a week now. Oh, yeah, yeah. But it's my diet. Not that often. No, but it's my diet. Yeah, that's where I let myself down a little bit. Don't smoke.

Oh, cool. Same? I don't drink or smoke? Come on. You don't drink or smoke? No. Shit. Is it?

So when they're out doing all their crazy... I might have one or two, but when I say don't drink, Carl doesn't really drink. Oh, fair enough then. But yes. No, neither do I.

Apart from when I drink. So now, all right. So now I'm trying to get into, I'm trying to get into shape. So I lost a load of weight. Lost like half a stone. But I'm going to put it back on now. Like muscle.

Bulking. Yeah, something like bulking. I've been bulking since 1987. It's going really well. You can stop now. Yeah, yeah. When I shred. Is it easier in the winter? You know what? yeah i've been bulking since 1987 it's going really well you can stop now yeah yeah when i shred is it easier in the winter um you know what i'm so disciplined as soon as i told myself all

right now you need to make a change it doesn't matter i just make a change and then that's it exactly even like a wednesday any any day could happen anytime you know i used my kids don't even know this i used to smoke when i was growing up yeah when? When I was 16 to 22, and I was a smoker. Like, I was 20 a day. Right. 20 a day. Oh, wow. What was your weapon of choice?

Benson Hedges. B&H? B&H, that's the strong shit, man. Fucking hell. Who? Imagine me. And I had fucking big Afro and shit smoking, yellow fucking fingers like I'm on an estate.

And, hello, mate. How you doing? And, yeah. and one day i was in jamaica i'll never forget i was in jamaica and the woman in the shop was just talking and i was trying to get her attention she's not she's on the phone just chatting and i was trying to get attention i thought i'm getting pissed off that this woman's not selling me cigarettes to try and kill myself i said you know what i'll never smoke again. And I just stopped. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That'd be amazing. Mad, yeah. I was a big fat cunt, but I went to Greg's and there was a queue. And I thought, you know what? I'm fine. I'll have an Evian and a long walk home. And you never smoked again? Never smoked again.

That's mad. Never smoked. I don't know. It's just something in me. If I told myself to do something, I'm going to do it. It's got an insane level of discipline. I'm the same. But once I i told myself to do something yeah i'm gonna do it level of discipline but but once i've told myself you don't want to let yourself down but that's it it's just that was it

and it takes a few months whoever wants to give up um who smokes it will all right do you want to give up yes he does oh that was liable do you want to give up no he doesn't all right well if you enjoy it then fair enough mate he would wait all day for that woman who was on the phone in Jamaica he would he would have a seat and he'd literally be like

no it's fine keep chatting and then we'll get to know each other over a lovely B&H oh fucking A he'd love it you're never quitting

we want him to stop because we want our our lovely Will to stay here forever you've just got to look after yourself better mate you know how much do you smoke?

a day so you're a smoker then all right so what's your favorite is it the one after food or in the morning i'll be well he's talked about the ones he gets up in the middle of the night and has a cig i'll be will's voice go on will he gets in the middle night says what's your favorite one the first one in the mornings his favorite one before breakfast before breakfast you do it before or after you brush your teeth? No, he does it during brushing the teeth. Does it at the same time. Oh, kiddo.

Oh, yeah. Is that your coffee then? No, I have it with coffee. Oh, he has it with a coffee. What about your shower fag? Do you enjoy that? Oh, you don't smoke in the shower? That is great.

Wow. How old are you? 30. 30 20 a day and what do you smoke marlboro gold are they strong no they're like mediums is it so they're like are they do they still sell silk car silk car oh yes i think they stopped selling them when my gran died because she was the only fucker smoking them. Silk cup were like the most metal, because they were meant to be light, but they also just had perforated holes in the filter. So as you took a drag,

you could feel the air going, like, oh, it was rubbish. They still sell them. It feels bad to, that people in our generation, and definitely the one below still smoke. Like I get that older generation smoke because it was normal.

But if you're like 18 now and you're smoking cigarettes. It's wild, isn't it? It's mad. Yeah, it's crazy. You just want to go to a shop in Jamaica and get slightly annoyed. Then you'll be done.

That's just how it works. You know what's mad? I was talking about this the other day on stage. Like I saw a picture of myself when I was little. The other day I was like about four or five bro what i'm fucking old if you saw the picture i said jesus christ but back then people used to smoke on buses so there was a sign on the bus you're 42 then i remember no it might be they say yeah they say um smokers are asked to occupy rear seats. So they said, if you're a smoker, to go to the back of the bus to smoke on the fucking bus.

There was ashtrays on the buses. Behind the seats, you'd have like a little flip thing. And you remember going on the school trip and you got on the coach and it was fucking vintage. And like someone had been smoking it. You were like, oh, they stunk yeah old 70s designed like fucking couches not couches like chair cut you know the seat covers i remember my mom going out if she go like the the club or the pub whatever your mom got a club yeah when i was a kid yeah your mom got a club my over i remember the bitch

in the club of that is when she came in she stunk of smoke her hair stunk of like such strong and she wasn't a smoker but because everyone was smoking the club yeah when i started comedy you'd get home from a gig and those clothes would be in the wash straight like obviously i don't know what your policy is I am a one wear man for cracks and like underpants 100% anything touching your skin but a t-shirt usually a one wearer

but then this jacket doesn't get repeatedly washed this hoodie won't get you shouldn't really ever have to wash it but I mean if like if you went to a comedy club and then the globe

you fucking stunk and nearly all these places had fried food on at some point the frog did they had fryers in the back so the whole place

stunk of cigarettes and like like nearly the fried food your fucking clothes hummed it was a full everything on your body

jeans like jeans had to be washed basically every time otherwise you you smell like a fucking he's right mad but what drinking then why don't you drink was that just as i've been forever as well i'm just never drunk you know it is i passed my test when i was 18 and i've always just been designated driver so i've been just driving if we go out i wouldn't drink and drive. So I'll just go out, take my friends back. And then I got my first, I had my first son at 22. So I've just been responsible. So I just, and actually like I drunk one,

I got drunk once. I remember I got drunk once in a club and I remember David Haye was, I think he had just won a title or whatever. And I was standing next to him, looking at him, I was like, I reckon I could take him, you know? I said, this drinking shit ain't for me, I was like, I reckon I could take him, you know? I was like, this drinking shit ain't for me,

bro. This is how they got fucked up, bro. So yeah, so I just, I don't know. You want to live longer, don't you?

Yeah, and I don't look my age. You do not look, you're in your late 40s, are you? He's 69. No, I'm 50 next year.

Shut up. Yeah, I'm 50 next year, man. Fucking stupid. Yeah. If you smoke and drink and you're young, look a cane and go, nah, let's not. I appreciate that. It's fun, isn't it? Yeah, I'm 50 next year, man. Fucking stupid. Yeah. If you smoke and drink and you're young,

look at Kane and go, nah, let's not. I appreciate that. It's fun, isn't it? Yeah. But you look good at 42 as well. Yeah, but so is getting women at 50. I mean, I know you're married,

but if you look like you, you're going to get the women at 50 and I know that's fun as well. What, in the club? In the club, yeah. What, in the club? He won't look stupid in the club. I'm sorry, Dan, you would.

Yeah, I look like a pedo on the dance floor essentially so yes but you but you better not fuck the kids um no i i know what you mean i'd love to go clubbing but i want to go clubbing in 2006 i want to time travel to go back to clubbing i don't need to be in the club yeah it is shit like my kids go out clubbing now and i can't be in the same room as them like my kids are like my oldest is 26 how old you 31 24 jesus ask ask him how old you bro mentally he's about howdy 54 so babies what the fuck like so and you're 30 yeah but they don't go to club either don't you don't go out did you go out you don't go to club not not like he smokes weed yeah is it oh you're just at home just yeah okay fair enough fair play but man yeah it's just it's crazy and i didn't realize how old I was getting.

Like, how old are your kids? She's mentally 17. She is actually six. Okay. She's causing me issues. Is it? I've got a six-year-old as well, man. What?

I'm feeling the pain, bro. You've got a 26-year-old and a six-year-old? And a 16-year-old. You London guys. I left it in, bro. Yeah, yeah, you did. I tried to pull out. 100%.

No, I swear, I tried to pull out. You see the last one? I tried to pull out 100 no i swear i tried to pull out you see the last one i tried to pull out that bitch grabbed my ass i said what the fuck just held me inside there i said oh shit fucked up my whole life bro for 10 seconds of joy yeah it wasn't even that good yeah it was bad i've had a fucked up life you know i swear like i know i laugh a joke but i had one child then i had twins oh so i jumped straight from one to twins then i had a long break how many kids you got don't worry about it baby four yeah yeah and then yeah and then now i've got a six-year-old and i'm finding it tough i'm finding it tough yeah but this is your only child yeah

no i've got a two-year-old as well. Oh, is it? Yeah, so we're going, I went a little bit later. Okay. 35, 36 and 40. And it's all done now. Tubes are tied.

We out. Did you get a? No, I didn't. Laura got the little sizzle sizzle. Okay. Yeah, yeah. But like, I don't know. i wish if i'd done it your way around right that would have kind of made more sense there's no way i can have a midlife crisis

mate i i nailed it on or at exactly the right time i mean you bought two sports cars last year it's not yeah they're not midlife you must have said four on a jog at the age of 40 but but what about that apart from that what is midlife crisis must have said four on a jack at the age of 40 but but what about that apart from that what is midlife crisis nothing about you it's just but that's just i wanted a little sports car like so people go oh it's a midlife crisis like i would have bought that car if i could afford it at 23 yeah i just couldn't and then i drove it around a bit and went i'm gonna lose my license here so fuck this sold it but i mean the proper like oh i'm leaving my missus getting

a pole i want to get a younger girlfriend like my dad did when he was back in the club when i was 18 you're like oh god why is my dad here all right my mate's going he's like your dad over there i was like it is he's there with a leather jacket still got it what's it like being a young dad cake you said you were 22 do you know what you don't even realize you don't realize what's it like being a young dad cake you said you were 22 do you know what you don't even realize you don't realize what's happened like you don't because you're just going along like now dan you're like aware of how you act affects your kids and whatever else when you're young you're just like shit i ain't got no money so it's just about trying to provide for everyone and then you don't know yourself and you're trying to work on a relationship you don't understand yourself you're both young you're both new parents mate uh it was a fucking car crash absolute car crash and then she had postnatal

depression like how can i can't deal with that at 22 23 like how you supposed to no you know i mean so well that's brutal yeah however old you are yeah so it was like just shit on top of shit were you living together yeah yeah it was just you two with the baby yeah and then we had and then we end up with three like so by the time i was 24 we had three kids she had postnatal depression and i'm like what the fuck what how did this look at me with three kids no like i'm thinking of that's what i'm saying baby you must you had a baby that's what i was a baby at 23 that's what i'm this is what i mean and i want like a um you know some people that are super mature at 24, that weren't me.

I wasn't like a- That's the most strain you can put on a relationship, early doors. Yeah. Like the level of like anxiety and fucking sleep deprivation and everything.

Yeah, it was awful. And then you're young as well. But you weren't going out drinking and stuff. So that would have had another layer to it if you were. Yeah. Because you were 22,

you're like, well, I still want to go out. Yeah. No, so I was still, I used to go, did I used to go out out i didn't used to go out that often but what happened was so i was working uh i worked at ladbrokes for a little bit yeah so i'd like loads you know you get like loads of little jobs and whatever i was working at ladbrokes and um obviously you need a little bit more cash so i started writing out my own better slips.

Did it work? Yeah. But I'd write it in my right hand because I'm left-handed. So I'm like, fucking. This special needs kids really do well today. So I'd wait for the race to finish. But that's a two to one.

Fuck that. I ain't putting it in the air. So then the race would be like eight to one. I'd i'll put a cheeky 20 on eight to one and then put it through but back then they used to have like a um it's like a photocopier type thing but it would do so i'd say stamp it so you do you put the thing in stamp it with the time and then put it through the machine so the machine will photocopy it so they can see what time it was stamped and what time you actually placed it

because it will show when they photocopies it. Obviously I'm just stamping it, but not putting it through at that time. So I don't know. And I was a bit like, you know when you feel like you're too clever? So I acted a bit too clever. So I'd be writing that.

And then as soon as the break, like my manager went on break, I pay myself out. Obviously there's no one to pay. It's me getting my pocket. It's like 160 quid. Lovely. Yeah.

And then I was like, oh, I remember, I think the reason why I got caught because I've been too smart. And like, I was like, oh,

the guy who won, like he left a 10 pound tip for a staff and shit. I was like proper overdoing it. This is his scarf. Yeah, yeah. It was way too much. And then they moved me from one branch to the next. And I think they did it on purpose

just to see whether it happened there. And yeah, sure enough, it did happen. Called me into the office and they were like, we just want to just ask you about a couple of bets. So I'm like, fuck. so i'm sitting there and like there's like these two white guys and i'm like saying to me um it looks a bit that's like okay he goes can you just write whatever just but obviously mate i wrote in my right hand yeah i don't give a fuck so i'm like what do you want me to write so i've my left hand and whatever. He goes,

okay, you know, the E looks very similar and blah, blah, blah. I said, mate, I don't know what kind of racist shit this is. No, do you know what?

No, I'm coming out. This is, no, this is harassment. And I fucking got up and walked out and I was like,

yeah, I've walked out. Yeah, never went back. Play the race card on these motherfuckers baby 100%

yeah I'd try that and I'm white yeah this is racism white shut up yeah

but that's what you do like when you're early 20s and you've got no money and you're just trying to feed kids so yeah so that's what

yeah you try to feed your kids yeah what's my excuse for stealing from all the bars I work for oh how old were you when you started comedy um i started late i started comedy when i was 30 30 30 oh wow yeah so your age you know it was weird like my because my dad passed away and then um he was just a plasterer i said to myself you know what he wasn't happy with his career choice whatever and he died at 51 so he a plasterer i said to myself you know what he wasn't happy with his

career choice whatever and he died at 51 so he's quite young i said you know what i can't live my life not happy with what i'm doing so i said is there anything i want to do to try that i've not tried before i said you know what let me try comedy i loved comedy who were you into it before you um so when you started what about 2000 2004 2005 yeah okay and who were you into in like you know when you were like in your 20s and before you started who were the guys it was american comedy yeah it's just american like so obviously richard pryor and then you know like bernie mac and then obviously the death jam guys and it was just like i'm watching it i'm just like fucking these guys are,

they're saying kills, they're just, they're spectacular. And I just said, you know what? I'll give it a try. I did a course actually, a guy called Keith, big up Keith from the, what's it called? Comedy school. And yeah, someone said, do a course. It was Ava Vidal actually.

I saw her at comedy store and she was like, I asked, I said to her, do you know like how I can get into comedy she goes oh you know what try this school when they do like a six-week course then at the end of it you do like a five-minute showcase did it and funny enough there's a guy there's an asian guy he's actually on tv now he started comedy when he must have been about 10 or 11 his dad brought him to that school so his dad had to escort him all the time what's his there's all right there's not many asian comics he does like he does the panels as well i can i can see his face i don't know his name are we we're just gonna name some asian comics yeah i don't i don't

know who well go on if you can no no it's not it's not niche it's not asian parents are so supportive aren't they oh mate and it's 10 11 yeah it's not- Asian parents are so supportive, aren't they? Oh, mate. 10, 11. Yeah, but seriously, he was, and he was good then. He was good. Like at 11, you could tell he had something different about him. Holy shit. Yeah. Imagine knowing you want to do that at 10.

Imagine that. So his whole life has been, he must be 29, 28, 29 now. So his whole life has been comedy. That's Sloss as well though, isn't it? Is it? Started Super York. Yeah. Was he 16, 17?

Wow. Wasn't he like professionally gigging from like 16? Yeah, I think so. Bill Hicks was the same. Was in comedy clubs at 15, 16. Ross Noble. I don't even know who you are at that age. Dave Chappelle.

Yeah. Was he only a kid, yeah? Yeah, he was like 14. Yeah. In a way- Gets you a fucking good head start. Yeah. Was he only a kid? Yeah, he was like 14. Yeah. In a way- Gets you a fucking good head start. Yeah, it does. But then your whole life is stand up.

I can see the argument where it wouldn't be bad to just go and live some life and then come to comedy. That's why I'm glad I started late. But obviously you need to make it within a certain time, not need to make it within a certain timeframe, but like now I'm coming up to 50 now and I'm like, all right, I need to start fucking doing some TV work now.

Is that what your class is making it for you? No, not really. I just want to get to a big audience and it's not about the money, but it's about just giving what I've got to as many people as possible. When you're on the circuit and you're getting paid set fees to fill the thing,

in your head you're like, just want to sell tickets with my name on it yeah that's that's what that's in your head constantly because when you were 30 you said you wanted to do a job makes you happy and you are so that you've made it in that way oh 100 this is the it was the best decision i made in my life like i'm i'm so i'm grateful man i'm really great but for my life, I'm, oh mate. So in that respect. And he needs to be playing theaters because he might have more kids. You know, he's got to think about that.

You never know. No, I'm not having no more, man. Are you having more? No. Yeah, fuck that.

Are you worried about being a granddad soon? Listen. Or are you looking forward to it? Listen. I was talking about that. On Instagram? I put a clip up on Instagram. Fuck this shit.

I was saying, do I look like a granddad? This fucker's running around, granddad, fuck off, man. Me? No, you say you don't want him to speak until he's like two or three.

Yeah, yeah, I'm like, fuck that, man. I prefer if this fucking picnic don't start talking until he's three years old. But when you hear granddad coming in, especially that I've got a son as well that's six years old.

Like, I'm getting demands for this little fucker that I know I can't fulfill like I can't see now like my eyes like is this reading glasses or to see no these are

yeah all the time okay so my thing is reading like I'm like this on my phone like you know like this is how it starts you won't do it

I just glasses don't suit me so sometimes my son he don't get the real story that's I'm reading like

you're just ad-libbing bro I get the real story that I'm reading. You just add living. I'm making shit up, bro. I'm adding life skills in there. I'm teaching him about child support maintenance and shit like that. Divorces and bitches taking all your money. What are you reading to him? So if he chooses a story,

that's like, you know, just anything that he might not know, like a popular one, like Ruffalo, he knows. So I can't get away with that. But what I've realized is, I make shit up. I've been making up stories for fucking ages. That's so funny.

But what's weird is I'm like- That spaceship bit in the Gruffalo was mad. His mom's like, yeah, it does sound weird. But like I was saying before, like old school books, I was born in the seventies. We grew up on Lady Bird books. Got an illustration at the top, the white banner at the bottom, and a black text on top of the white banner.

Easy to read, isn't it? Have you read The Gruffalo? I got to page three, and they had black text on top of a forest scene at nighttime. Like, what the fuck? How the fuck? I'm like this. I'm like, no, fuck, bro. I'm too old for this shit, man.

I can't do it. I'm finding it really hard, man. What if they gave you a cool name instead of granddad? No. Yeah, like pops. Pops. Papa. Oh, mate.

Even thinking, you don't even understand. Big Papa G? No. No. I still feel young. Big Daddy Kane. There you go, man. What's up, Kane? But I feel young. I feel like I'm your age. Well, I feel like I'm feel young. Big Daddy Kane. There you go, man. What's up, Kane?

But I feel young. I feel like I'm your age. Well, I feel like I'm his age. And I feel like I'm 18. Yeah. Do you see what I mean? So how old do you feel? What?

How old do you feel? Talking to these cunts, old. Talking to you, old. No, yeah. There's moments where I'm like, God, I'm fucking sensible. And then other times where... No, but what do you feel? I feel early 20s, no matter what. I feel like i'm like god i'm fucking sensible and then other times where no but what do you feel i feel early 20s no matter what i feel like i'm pretending to be an adult

yeah but i was such a fucking man child when i was there like like i'm so much more grown up about stuff now still still some stupid moments like the two cars well i had skittles for breakfast the other day stuff like that little little moments i'm like probably not totally grown up but they were tropical and i mean that that's like flues in it yeah yeah and was it like a one time or was it no they don't they don't last long i'm not like you know i'm not doing the colors in order okay i don't know if you know but dan's um life he doesn't like food so last week last week he's 42 at his first ever sausage roll hold on and hot dog hold on stop oh no it's going to get so much worse yeah whatever you think it's cocaine before he had meat what's that again he

had cocaine before he had meat yeah yeah you know okay you know cocaine makes you feel fucking amazing though yeah like if you know if so does good if having a chicken kebab made me fly be dead confident with women and want to dance i probably would have chicken kebabs earlier if you are you on the kebab yeah kane asked just say a food no but no all right so did you grow up vegetarian or something? Yeah, but not an ethical one. I just didn't like meat. So you just didn't like meat.

Yeah. All right then. So what about like things like hummus and... Hummus? All right. I started eating hummus when I was about 29. What did he eat? What the fuck did you eat then? Cain, he's never eaten an egg.

You've never had an egg? I don't trust eggs. You've never eaten an egg? I don't know what they are. That was our face. What do you mean? I don't understand. What you're saying? He's never eaten an egg. Can I just say this about eggs? They smell very eggy. That was enough for me. What do you have for breakfast? Apart from Skittles? A bowl of cornflakes. Like I have done since. So you've just always had cereal?

Yeah. So as a child. Sometimes a bit of toast. I love that there's just a repeat. A crumpet. No, but I don't. We love it. I don't get it.

I don't understand. Even up until today, you've never had an egg. Like eaten an egg by itself. Ah, not really. So you'll have an egg. So you'll have. I haven't. I've never had scrambled egg. because it's just egg in it i know how pain hit him i know how much this wine

so many of our listeners but it's not no but obviously they've you lot have seen you've heard this before but i find this like because i'm a foodie yeah yeah oh well i'm a foodie but where do you get your nutrients where do you get your nutrients from then? Where do you get, like, protein? What do you have for your protein? Protein? Yeah. Is that in Nando's? Oh, for fuck's sake.

Protein's in chicken, isn't it? Yeah, in meat, yeah. Oh, mate, a man's getting bear protein, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's got to black it up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I mean chicken and watermelon and everything. What else is protein in?

Meat. Meat, fish. Oh, meat. Nuts. Yeah, nuts, yeah. Mate, I let the fish swim, but I eat that chicken. what else is protein in meat meat fish oh meat nuts fish yeah nuts mate I let the fish swim but I eat that chicken

he's never eaten any he's never eaten nuts nothing what nuts which nuts peanuts

oh these nuts erm I mean I don't really I don't really like I don't really like nuts but I have eaten them

so when your missus is cooking what when your wife she don't cook for me she don't cook do you don't really like nuts but I have eaten them so when your missus is cooking what? when your wife is she don't cook for me do you want to hear the kicker? are you Christmas day? you like Christmas day? you've got kids

Christmas dinner? unbelievable yeah go on what do you have for Christmas dinner? really nice nachos Feliz Navidad I'm coming off of this podcast

Feliz Navidad that's why he's got money to buy two sports cars because he don't fucking eat bro i am mexican maybe i'm mexican what can we today because what we've been doing kane has been introducing him to new foods each week and he's been rating them right can we have today done what's the what's your go-to? What's your favourite? What's your favourite? I'm in shock, bro. I don't understand. What's a favourite snack of yours that you like? And I'll see if I've not had it.

All right, all right, all right. Flipping hell, man. What the fuck? So you've had jerk chicken though, right? I have had jerk chicken. Yeah, there you go. Salmon? No.

I've never eaten salmon. You've never eaten salmon? All right. Oh, God. I'm going to? No. I've never eaten salmon. You've never eaten salmon? Oh. All right. Oh, God. I'm going to have to find someone to eat some salmon. We can get you some little salmon sushi rolls, some little Cali rolls.

You can't start him on sushi. You can't start him on raw fish for the first fucking time. You can't do that. It has to be cooked. I've never had salmon. You've never had salmon? No, but I didn't like... I'm vegetarian now,

but I didn't like fish back in the day. I tried fish, but I'd not have had salmon. Jerk salmon. Kane, it doesn't get any less weird. No, but this is the weirdest thing. But how do, I don't understand how you get your, I don't understand, but your kids, do they not eat stuff as well?

No, they're doing all right. I'm not allowed anywhere near the- But when they see what you're eating, do they kind of- Yeah, yeah, Etta's working it out. She had a crisp and she was like, just try it, daddy. It's just an idea,

but I think you're going to like it. What? Beans on toast. So you've had beans though? No. All right. We'll agree what we're having after the break. Don't be so stupid.

How can you... Baked beans. He never had baked... Heinz baked beans. bake beans you never had baked heinz baked beans no he's never had heinz baked beans oh god i know all right let's have a break they are a staple of life all right i know i'll try baked beans yes all right all right all right baked beans that's a good way to start robin and raw fish who's cooking him microwave oh you don't need to cook it sounds bad right we'll have a break. So there's no baked beans here, which is good, isn't it?

So is that getting sorted? Not yet. Oh, super. Beans on toast is one of the best meals. Well, if Steve accidentally on purpose can't get that done, I'm all right. Have you got a show to plug, a tour to plug? Yes.

So 12th of November. Which camera? This one. 12th of november which camera this is willie yeah 12th of november at hot water in the new venue which will be done um uh yeah make sure you get your tickets it's up on the website at the moment and it's not in the massive room so the tickets will sell out very quick so 12th of november i'll have the link on my instagram which will be in the description below as well it will be everywhere ah perfect there you go then perfect 12th of november that's what you need to know hot water comedy club thank you very much uh thanks to everyone who came to my northeast states south shields middlesbrough carlisle was amazing on the way uh and leeds was class uh this weekend come in i'm sold out in hall sold

out in southport but there's some tickets a few tickets left for the thursday thursday the 28th of september in york dan nightingale.com thursday the 5th uh i'm in of october i'm in oxford and there's a couple of tickets left for that as well. A little bit of a push because I'm selling these out. Lovely. Lovely. You were talking about Love at First Sight. Married at First Sight.

Married at First Sight. Married to a person. I don't watch television. I do not watch television. I watch that. You love the Gilmore Girls, don't you? That's on Netflix.

Oh, that's right. Yeah, Married at First Sight's good. Have you watched it? Have you watched it? No. Is it? Didn't you watch any on netflix all right sorry yeah married at first that's good have you watched it you watch it no is it have you didn't you watch any any year is it the the what's the one with the fiance what's the guy with the no neck oh 90 day fiance 90 day fiance 90 day fiance got my interest just because tom and christina on your mom's house were hammering it so much i actually

went and watched oh mate the best one I've watched. Have you not seen Temptation Island? No. Oh my, this one, but I don't think they do it anymore. Or it's not in England anyway. It was in America.

And basically couples who are going through shit, they go on two separate islands, two separate part of the island. And there's obviously guys where the women go, and there's women where the guys go. And obviously they show each other man man there was one where this guy he cheated on his missus before she's like i don't trust you he's like man i'm committed to you i will never do that to you again baby all of that shit even on temptation island yeah yeah yeah so she's like

i don't believe you so he's like i'm gonna man. I'm going to commit it to you 100%. So anyway, so they go on this island. Mate, within a couple of weeks, she's fucking this huge dude, bro. Like, huge. And they're showing him clips at nighttime. He's like, man, I can't believe this bitch, man. She fucking did this bitch. And then, like, so then at the end of it, they reunite. And this is, like, after a few weeks, they reunite. And they see after a few weeks. They reunite and they see how the relationship plays out.

Obviously, they finish. They split up. There was another one where there was this couple and the woman, really insecure. He's an all right looking guy. She's a really attractive girl. But for some reason, she's really insecure. She's like, oh, you know, I just don't feel special enough. I feel like he's going to cheat on me.

All my boyfriends are cheating on me. Blah, blah, blah, blah. He's's like i would never do that i'm going into this experiment to prove to her i don't even look at other women i'm not bothered anyway so they're showing her clips remember it's just a clip of women saying oh i like him oh he's really attractive whatever he might have been flirting a little bit she's lost her shit she's like i can't believe she's crying and all within a week and a half you know i'm just feeling like i'm getting closer to jerome and you know and then she's starting to convince herself that he's doing shit so she's justifying it bro she had a full-on

relationship with some next guy he's done nothing he's gone mad because he's like hold on we came on here because you didn't trust me now she's doing all kinds of shit oh mate it was it was fucked that's Temptation Island that's Temptation Island

but Married at First Sight that is basically is not on Ireland no no so it's like is it eight couples eight women

eight guys yeah yeah it is yeah yeah and basically very heteronormative it isn't what did he say it's not heteronormative first time it isn't what do you

say it's not heteronormative oh no what oh no no no no what you have to marry a dude at first sight you see well i haven't seen that you don't have to no spoilers yeah yeah you don't want him well basically it's a you have to suck a dick this maybe where do you apply this this this this year it's like really diverse it's no is it yeah oh so there's a a trans woman a trans lady but they don't tell the guy don't they no because she's a woman no but i've also seen in the first episode he's like i don't mind yeah so yeah so that's why because i didn't i didn't see that part all i heard was there's a trans person there and they didn't tell the guy and i was like that is i'll tell you this get me on temptation island with the trans woman what happens on the island i'm like epstein mate

yeah it's uh and then there's a once you got the ferry well let's tell them what the um what the premise is so the premise is basically they the premise is basically, they put them together. First time they meet each other, they get married. So the families are there. They meet at the altar. Yeah. Meet for the first time at the altar. And their families are there.

How are you spelling meet? Go on. And then they go on their honeymoon. And they obviously spend time together. And then they come back and move into a flat with each other. How long is this film for? And then, you know, they have the first kid.

They move into each other's house, don't they? They go to one house, meet their people and then go to- No, I don't think that's the big- I don't think that happens in the- I think the first bit is they come back from their honeymoon and then they live together.

Oh, in a flat. And then once the- Oh, yeah, it is. For a little while, then they go off and then they stay with each other's prospective families for a little bit.

Oh, yeah. Sounds like a fucking- Yeah great it's amazing it's just fire it's great tom was in here um is it legally binding no what it's not is it not no do they not have to get actually divorced no it's not legally binding but but i want higher stakes yeah but it is um i think it's done by like a celebrant or something so i don't think it's like a proper it's not a proper legally but they're all like they're all invested you don't like mess up like you were married no yeah yeah that's how they they go into it like but the australian one that's going to be wild it's mad because they end up swapping partners and shit like that so this one ends up that happened last year though didn't it yeah that happened last year

yeah bro it's okay so if you're watching it there's people from different parts of the world So this one ends up sleeping with me. That happened last year though, didn't it? Yeah, that happened last year. Yeah, bro. So Kane, so if you're watching this. There's people from different parts of the world thinking we do Married at First Sight anyway. Yeah, my nan. What? My nan in Turkey. Didn't see my granddad before the altar. She was on Married at First Sight.

Yeah, she was on it. She was on the OG Turkey one. From 1926. Hakan, your wife. Not far off. Tarkan. Not far off. Tarkan? Yeah, your wife. Not Tarkan. Not far off. Tarkan? Yeah, Tarkan.

Oh my God. But if you like it and you like the people, you do... Yes. You do insolence. Yes. Tarkan!

I bring the guests on. The guy... What the fuck? Is he really called Tarkan? My nan. Yeah, my nan's called Tarkan. Your nan? Oh, what?

I thought the husband. I did. No, my... She's the big Tarkan. Your nan? Oh, what? That's the husband. I did. No, my... She's the big Tark. My granddad was called Ali. Her name's Tarkan. Yeah. What does it mean?

It must mean something. I'm not sure. Destroy of dicks. I'm not sure, but she's... Tarkan, the warrior queen. She's Baba Anne. That's what... You don't say nan,

you say Baba Anne. Yeah. Which is dad's name. She was in Star Wars. What? Baba Anne. Tarkan she's in Star Wars what Baba Anne Tarkan Tarkan Skywalker and Baba and Fett what a brilliant bounty hunter she would be you'll never visit anymore and I'm Jewish now oi that is that is Tarkan yeah wow but as we were saying Cain oh yeah so um I get the sorry sorry

that's all right sorry that was silly I get the married at first sight um guests on so the guys who are on married at first sight um they come on my insta live um and the guy who's actually the one of the guys who set them up so cool yeah Paul Brunson he's coming on my life as well so big bruns yeah the big brunsson. He had a Vivienne Westwood tooth on last week and it was so nice. It was like a blue. He's a sexy guy.

He dresses good, man. That's what I want to start doing. I want to start getting my dress since like on point. So yeah. Yeah, same here. I know. Have you ever seen

the last two years? Have you ever seen the ultimatum? No. So it's American one. And they're like, they go into it together. One of them's giving the other one an ultimatum,

like marry me or I'm leaving. They go in and then they swap partners. And they're like, right, I'm going to see what it's like to be married to someone else. And they're all like, oh, I like this one now. It's a mouth. Yeah. And then they're like, oh, you're not going to marry me? They're like, no. Yeah, it no yeah yeah yeah and then they're like oh you're not

gonna marry me they're like no it's wild all right then all right i don't know how long you've been with your missus nearly 10 years do you believe that there's like one person for any we say there's like there could be like 20 yeah but that's so few people in the world that if you find one that's still good yeah well if you're a big slag then that's so few people in the world that if you find one, that's still good. What if you're a big slag? Then there's more than 20, isn't there? Soulmates. Yeah, but maybe I'm a soulmate slag.

I'm just very, I'm amiable. I get on with a lot of people. I could have married loads of people. I mean, I picked the best one. Yeah, and she's in the group of Yeah, she's in the group of 20. Yeah, because there's... 20? Yeah, 7 billion people.

Obviously, like, only half of them are what you're going to want, but... Yeah, what if you've always lived in the same region of the same country? Is it still 20? Well, then you're missing out on, like, a Mexican soulmate. Oh, this is why you need a gap year. Go around and fuck all those you know twenties go home and tell your wife that tell her

what's your Mexican soulmate like she's fit she's sexy and named Tarkan Tarkan my favourite food Mexican food so there's definitely a girl

who'd be able to make me quesadillas in the morning what a romantic but if you find one of them people you're lucky to have found one of your people yeah

yeah I'll smash your taco and I'll eat your quesadilla let's go boom there's definitely not one person for one person definitely not

like no I mean there is right now until I'm divorced and then you know I'm gonna change the odds right we've got well as a team

for the audio listeners Kane was looking off into the distance just having a little moment there's a TV show about it where they get married couples who are happy and scientifically they work out so you put your data into this thing

and then they go oh we found your soulmate with an algorithm do you want to meet them it's called eHarmony or do you want to stay with your and some people are like no no no I'm happy and some people are like yeah I want to meet them or do you want to stay with your yeah yeah and some people like no no i'm happy and some people like yeah i want to meet them and then they're like oh shit or do you want to go on my new show that i'm pitching to channel four it's called mexican soulmate and i think it's going to be pretty good but that's mad isn't it imagine someone went this

we've got someone here who is made for you what would you say okay do you know what my one would probably be the Jamaican woman who didn't serve me my cigarettes. She saved my life, man. She just sold me. Yeah, 70-year-old Yardie woman. We've got a game to play where... Oh, hang on.

We haven't had a smooth for a while, but I feel like this deserves one. Mmm, smooth. So we were talking... Like Tarkan's flaps. Go on. Sorry. Oh, God. Sorry oh sorry too much she's alive that makes it worse oh no i love a bit of conilingus is what she says no go on sorry go on uh so we

were talking about married at first sight before we started recording so harry uh during that first section has come up with a game he's got us four profiles of women and we've got to decide between us who is suited to which woman on this list it's a notable woman so it's a celebrity of some kind so i'm going to read a short profile out of each one and we're going to decide who gets which woman if mine's salma hayek i'm flying right so suitor one is born in devon she's blonde she's five foot six she's a former military trainee she's epileptic but she's a party girl and she loves ketamine that's the first one who are we going for leaning towards hang on she's she's five foot six she's born in devon

how do you know all this harry's done the research is this a famous person famous person what fucking famous person profile is that a ket head from devon you'll find out all right is it ellie goulding i don't i don't know i've got a highlighter at some point so i'm out because the drugs for me is like yeah that's me as well yeah that's not you two you two are says so the guy who fucking sniff coke before he had chicken that's your that's your fucking wife bro no one wants a cat head for a wife or do they that's mexican cat that's lunch to you bro time for a nap yeah right suitor two lives on a farm with her family, dirty blonde hair with highlights, tall and skinny, describes herself as a fighter.

Big family. Her ex-boyfriend once took the local pub hostage with a hunting rifle, which led to a three-day siege. She's a traveler. So, she's one of the Fury family, I reckon. Can we say that?

You can say whatever you want. You say that now, I've got to go on stage by myself or something oh god yeah they're all she sounds a bit aggressive

and I like soft ladies yeah supple ladies supple yeah soft ladies quesadillas I'm gonna go she's for you

she's for me at the minute okay all right well there's two options left so suit of three from Oldham thicker figure voluptuous one, they say.

Hello? D-cup breasts. Briefly married. What the fuck? Profiles you've been looking at going? Loves gays but hates bisexuals. Soft lips and nimble hips. Oh, I know who this is.

Okay. That's J.K. Rowling. So, it's between... Born in Oldham. It's between born and older it's between cup breasts jk rowland that was me mate yeah okay that's me man all right yeah so if we go if unless something changes you take this is your lady this is my lady yeah that's all uh super four also born in devon works in a bakery oh yeah five foot eight inches dark hair wears glasses adventurous and loves meeting new people yeah open about walking around her house nude yes happy to meet you in an isolated place at night to be extra romantic i'm i'm into blondes what was that last one that's a

dead romantic thing is it happy to meet you in an isolated place the car park around the back of b and q that's my one even though i like blondes that's my one so you've got suit of four dan was suit one the the party girl who loves ket we just ketamine got mentioned and then she's mine yeah yeah well uh then suit two was me and then came as i was number three came as three so do you want to find out who your lady is yeah dan your lady i've married her already haven't i yeah and kids is miss katie hopkins oh well looks like i'm going to be using some of my wife's ketamine does she love kid uh apparently so does she yeah her face is a bit catty like yeah she does my lady my lady is debbie dingle from emmerdale i don't know who that is but I'll take it

is she I don't know Kane's lady is Christopher Biggins in Dragon I think that's going to affect a lot of your live work if you turn up with Christopher Biggins he's got some contacts though you lot have messed me work. If you turn up with Christopher Viggins. He's got some contacts though.

Oh, you lot have messed me up, man. This was a setup. No, you set me up. Because once you said curves, you know the black guy was going to choose that one. And then now- I like curves. Yeah, well, but I'm stuck- Like the curve of his dick.

Yeah. I'm stuck with Christopher Viggins. Karl, you ready to meet your lady? It's probably like an alien or something. Come on. Your lady is Miss Rose West. Oh, shit. Karl you ready to meet your lady it's probably like an alien or something go on your lady is Miss Rose West oh shit

I'm interested in that though yeah and you look like Fred oh you sick fuck so that's good innit yeah and you're her type I'm interested

like I pick her brains I wouldn't be kissing her oh you wouldn't be kissing her so you ended up I've won yeah you won

I won that game who'd you go Debbie Dingle yeah you've won i got a fucking serial killer came with a man i'm not attractive one either but on paper though we could be suited on in love island he would have been my type on paper like right we've got a couple of questions uh this one's from john barkley wag wag the team if one of your fingers had to be made of a food stuff that you can eat at any time and it regenerates but you can never change what food it is what would you choose so you've just got unlimited

something on your finger at all times so yeah that becomes becomes a kinder bueno and you can bite off, finish it and go, do you know what? I fancy another. It regenerates. You can go again. Yeah. I mean,

if I was like Bear Grylls and I was in a place where maybe I'm starving, you'd want something with better sustenance than a kinder bueno. How often are you in them situations though?

Very rarely. Yeah. Yeah. I also don't need mexican food i'm gonna have a new wife soon so she's gonna box me off with all that um i don't know what's your go-to snack but you could have a vape or something no the food food um what's the what's like something that's hard work i don't know like surely it's like something that's hard work? I don't know. Like something really posh and expensive. Why?

A beautiful bit of, do you know? Cause you can just buy a bag of fucking. You can just dispense caviar. Cheeselits, can't you? Yeah, but it's something you like. Yeah. Cain, what are you going for? Me, it would be, what's it dust?

You want me to get to that last bit in the corner it's always there oh it's fucking beautiful man just like you know yeah what's it dust that's my I love all crisp

all crisp dust at the end yeah yeah when you just level it out yeah your hand but you don't touch things but it's always there

yeah but just like just the corner you know when you finish and you know the bit in the corner with all the flavour yeah that's yeah Doritos are good for that you know what's not good for that

cornflakes when you get to the end of a bag of cornflakes and it gets dusty yeah shit man fucks up man's milk what are you going with

erm er really good chicken kebab you can find some bread and just be like just make your little mini kebab over and over.

It'd be so good. Pissed eating your own finger. Yeah. Yeah. Finn, what are you going for? Ooh. Maybe like a cheese string. It's plastic, isn't it?

Just peel it. You can peel your finger. It's like just entertaining as well. I like doing that. I could take all day just peeling the cheese string the bueno meat kinder bueno is a good one but then i'd be i'd get so fat so quick yeah see that's my was not really getting me fat i'll get the flavor but i'm not getting the yeah the bad yeah right okay next question uh this is from finn mcdermott. If you knew you only had one day left to live,

would you tell anyone? Yes. 100%. Who are you telling? Everybody. Everybody has to know. And make you feel special. KB's dying tomorrow, bro.

I want to know. Wouldn't it be ruined by people being upset? No. No. I think it's best to let people know, this is my last day, what would you like to tell me?

What would you like to do? Who would you tell, though? My kids, obviously, Mrs. I'll tell you lot, and then you lot can pay for my funeral with the Patreon money. Yeah, as long as we get to put it. Yeah, on a special. Cain Brown's funeral.

Your Mrs. is crying, You're with your kids there. You're like, can we just get that shot again, please? Weep. Then the ad break. Just sign up to your Patreon. Complimentary what's it dust. And you only get it on the higher tariff as well. I'd go tell everyone and have a little party.

Yeah. Yeah, why not? What are you going to do? Just have a normal day, not tell anyone. Get home and Laura be like, can you please get the washing out of the washing machine in the outhouse? Like.

But you're not going to feel anything. You'll be like, yeah, of course. I love you. Nah. What, you're going to put up with being whinged out? It's my last day. Yeah. I don't know, I'd tell the boys and just go out

and be like, this was a nice house, innit? You know what I mean? Yeah. Because if I said to you, or maybe not you, but if I said to my mum, I'm dying tomorrow, she would be like, this was a nice house, innit? You know what I mean? Because if I said to you, and maybe not you, but if I said to my mum, I'm dying tomorrow, she would be like, let's party. She'd cry for hours.

No, it's like a wake that you're at. Mate, I think you- I went to a wake yesterday, they're not fun. Yeah, you've been to the wrong wakes. I'd probably spend the first two hours finding the people that owe me money. That's the first thing I'd do. Get my payback,back my retribution and then tell my family right yeah no i'm telling everyone okay everybody right we're gonna do some underrated overrated

right first one is from jono weddings that are abroad Right. First one is from Jono. Weddings that are abroad, underrated or overrated? Overrated. I think it's a piss take, man. Like you're expecting other people to spend their money to go on a holiday

because you want to get married in the sun. Fuck it, man. Well, yeah. Can we, do you want me to tell the people what our idea is? I mean, if you're ready to share the knowledge.

So our idea was to have a joint Hen and Stag and then we were going to run away to Venice and get married on our own then come home and get married so people don't get dragged away.

Yeah. And they get to party as well. Perfect. But we've, I think we've changed it so we're going to get, I think we're going to get married on the Hen and Stag on the last night and Dan's going party as well. Perfect. But I think we've changed it. So we're going to get, I think we're going to get married on the Helen's tag on the last night

and Dan's going to officiate. Oh, no, wait, stop, stop, wait. You're talking about you and your missus? Yeah, yeah, we got engaged last month. Oh, I didn't know this. Congratulations. Thank you. And Dan's going to be the,

Dan's going to marry us. You're going to trust a man who has not had beans and eggs. Well, I've just heard the microwave going, so I think that's going to change pretty soon who has not had beans and eggs. Well, I've just heard the microwave going, so I think that's going to change pretty soon. Is that the beans? No. I just want to be a fake vicar.

I don't want to eat beans. Have you got a date? No. It's either going to be next summer or the summer after, depending on a couple of things. I need to be indoctrinated. I mean, to be ordained. You need to be on a couple of things. I need to be indoctrinated. I mean, until you're ordained. You need to be ordained.

But you need to get indoctrinated. You need to get your... You need a license for that, right? Yeah. Yeah, class two. So he wanted to be groomsman, but I'm not having any because I say we're not having a proper wedding.

Yeah. And he was upset that he wasn't going to be, but now he's... Now I'm the priest. Now he's the big man. Yeah. I'm going to double bucket with a few but now he's... Now I'm the priest. Now he's the big man. Yeah. I'm going to double bucket with a few christenings as well. Use the space.

Oh, wow. I can't wait. I'm so happy. Yeah. Ah, if I can't be a groomsman, I'll be a vicar. Yeah. I love being a groomsman. That's the fucking one, isn't it?

It's the best position. You ever been a groomsman? No. Oh, lie. Yes, I have. I have, actually. I'm just not none of my friends really got married did you get told what to wear yeah i had a horrible suit man that's the bad thing bro it was like a powder blue that goes that didn't go well with my skin tone man it was

it was awful and it was from like a not expensive place everyone got it oh is that the beans on toast look at his face. Hey, did you put butter on the toast? Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah, you got it. Can I have a can of Coke? To wash it down.

You got to taste it, man. So beans on toast, it can be done in various ways. Some people like the beans on the toast. Some people like it separate. Stephen's version is this. I don't dislike it. It's interesting.

This is a, you get to try whatever you want, beans on toast. Finlay, the bowl's hot. Be careful. Thanks, mate. I just want to be a vicar. So did you get the Coke

to wash it down to get rid of the taste? Yeah. That was horrible. So I'll introduce this. Dan over here is here is a 42 year old man who has never eaten big beans he has never had the joy of eating beans on toast oh let me try and this is going to be his first ever time eating beans on toast i like it oh it's really good toaster are the beans hot because really because oh yeah yeah the? Cause it's really, cause- Oh yeah. Yeah, the plate was really hot.

Yeah, it's hot. Yeah. All right. Cause otherwise the beans- Cain, you do a portion for Dan of what you'd have. Yeah, there you go. Oh, I can't. I can't even spoon.

No, you're not eating with a spoon. You're eating on the toast. You eat on the toast. It's the spoon that's turning it off. Oh, look at that mate. That's how you do it. Oh. That's how you do it.

Come on, you gotta do it. You gotta bite it good. You gotta do it. Go on. Beans on toast first time. It's gonna drip. Let that enter, go on. Come on, man. Go for it, baby.

Oh yes. Right, it's already better than the chicken thing from Greg's. It's not spat out. So he didn't spit it out? No, he spat it out immediately. It's just ruined a good bit of toast. What textures, what flavours are you getting done? I don't like it. No? Don't make me eat any more of that anymore how can you not like beans i would eat that in seconds

oh oh it's too beanie i really want to eat that stuff you can have it it's just it as your own personal vicar let me let oh because it's not it's not soggy bread so i'll put it i didn't have it seeped in there i just put a bit on top the beans that's perfect bro crunchy bread yeah yeah perfect i'll be racking that up so what's what was wrong with it i don't know it's just not very nice, is it? I'm fine. Was it the texture? Yeah, it's texture and taste. What about the smell?

Didn't love that. Hot dog went really well. First hot dog went well. Sausage roll was decent. That is not getting scrammed again by me. Are you a fan of Greg's? The steak bake. He spat that out immediately.

The steak bake. Bro, don't piss me off, bro. No, I'm coming. He spat out a steak bake. We're playing the hits today, aren't we? Bro, that's... Spat it out. I was like...

But was it hot? Was it... Yeah. Yeah. Bro, the steak bake's the best thing that they do, bro. When it's straight out of the oven. Dan, we're proud of you, though. You tried it.

Well done. Don't patronise me. Comment below what you want Dan to try next. Yeah. I've got to see him eat an egg man sandy side up egg oh yeah that's so weird i played chat upset me played chat upset me while you were talking we've got it on we've got it on the soundboard upset me nasty bitch that's that is my listen even though kane's, that is my, listen, even though Cain's here,

this is how I felt about baked beans. Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch. Next week, we'll do the different types of eggs. You can have scrambled, poached.

Can I tell you right now, I'm less worried about the eggs than I was about the baked beans. Seriously? That is, can I have a break? I need to watch... Is that all right?

Yeah. Easy. Beans on toast. Yeah. Did it really affect you? I don't like it. Oh, mate. Well.

Eh? Eh? When you need a fucking safe pair of hands, who do you come to? The boy wonder. Kane? No, not Kane. pair of hands who do you come to the boy wonder

Kane no not Kane Vittorio Ungolanane that's me sorry wait a second was that like an African

yeah he is African he's half half Italian half Northern Irish half African respect brother don't know where

three halves come from but big up yourself is that extra 100 to 150% he can get you three halves come from but I'll pick up the stuff it's that extra 100 to 150% he can get you three halves easy is he

yeah he can get you the where drugs oh there you go I love the innocence game are they smoking crack I don't smoke

yeah he's on the crack how are you Vittorio alright I'm fucking good I'm having a beer I don't know why it's just like free stuff

is always my nemesis and you look like a't know why it's just like free stuff is always my nemesis and you look like a vagrant so it's all good isn't it yeah i need to fucking start that wasn't nice because when he came on vittoria was like i look like shit and everyone was like no you look good and then now he says that but now we're going live once the cameras are on it gets much nastier hobo chic you've looked worse on this podcast yeah you look like a school shooter the first time yes i had bright bleached blonde hair i don't know if kane ever saw me like that shoulder length you wouldn't like to see it bro i'm not gonna lie you do look a little school shooterish now to be honest i don't know about that yeah you're nice though we love you yeah get a second beer in him

oh i'll be fucking i'll say any can you show us the um can you show us the footwear ensemble you've got going on oh yeah i'm just rocking the crocs man i don't think it's the crocs that we're talking about and the white socks crocs and white socks with jeans it's the least gross thing in the world i think so are these your farmer crocs no they're my only crocs no but i mean they look like they could be owned by well they've got a roof which is good right yeah yeah yeah and they're faux leather Crocs. No, but I mean, they look like they could be owned by like a... Well, they've got a roof, which is good. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're faux leather because it's kind to animals.

Oh, yeah. It's the Margaret Thatcher fit. The Margaret Thatcher fit? Like Auntie Liverpool. Auntie Liverpool. Oh, yeah, yeah. These Crocs scream managed to climb.

Yeah. Yeah, I like it though. Are you wearing it? Are you got a girlfriend? Yeah, yeah. Is it? She's so hot. No, you've got the whole thing. She is a beautiful lady as well. well she is but you're not allowed to say her name because she's a big she's a higher politician yeah don't say nothing but hold on so what did she say about the look

that she she does the same she's very like yeah she dresses like a 60 year old hiker yeah you both dress similar who is she's high up in politics she dresses like a six-year-old he's fucking he's fucking theresa may fleeces and sandals i think her name's talking the indestructible yeah you can listen you're fucking nearly 50 i have a wedding this is where this is what's going on i've accepted at old age at 27 you're 27 yeah what's this what's this younger than you yeah yeah bro what would you have guessed that's sad it's not even about how he looks but at 20 bro i gotta be taking more care i've been in a relationship for like six nearly years now so I've been in one for 12 years but this is what happens though

I've lost weight recently I haven't got like fatter and lots of people get fat I'm telling young guys now as an older guy when you're with a woman in a long term relationship do not let yourself go I've been saying that as well don't let yourself go bald fat

you're not fat you still got it what's your regimen don't let yourself go bald fat you know cause you know you're not fat but it's still you still got it don't what's your regimen what's your like if you were like if I was to change one thing

what would it be I mean I was hoping to pick up a fucking manscaped kit while I'm here and try and sort out everything in my life we've got lots can I actually have one

we've got one spare you can have it unreal have you got vagrant pubes is that Andrew Schultz's podcast yeah patron army but you know

I've never I don't trim anything you're a wild man down there just rogue but you're not even not even scissors nothing nah man

so just yeah but can I just say that whole thing about if you've been in a long term relationship you can't let things go like I went to give my wife a cuddle yesterday and she went

oh no you can't I've just sharted so i sharted she pooed her pants a little bit when i went into spoon she put she did a little plot to be fair we have had a bit of a stomach bug going around the famile which i've dodged and then laura got it yesterday so she had bad was this in bed she was just she was literally waiting for jack to go to sleep. He'd gone down, and then she was about to get a shower. She's going to kill you for saying this. Yeah, she definitely needed a shower. Because she was sitting there.

And then I went, I've just shotted a little bit, so don't hug me. So you're like, where's the effort coming from? What do you mean, don't hug me? Get in the shower? What do you mean? She shouldn't be there for a hug if she's pooing her pants. Yeah, but Jack had literally just gone down,

so you can't have a shower straight away so she was in this awful moment where she had to literally ride out a squidgy little bum crack because that is better

than having to wake up the kid parenting's fucking awful isn't it yeah just because Jack isn't in like REM sleep yet you have to sit there

caked in your own shit why can't you get in the shower if he's downstairs does he want one what do you mean he wakes up no that own shit. Why can't you get in the shower if he's downstairs? Does he want one? What do you mean? He wakes up. No, that's true. He wakes up.

How loud's the shower? Hang on, what? How loud's yours? If he's downstairs. Oh, down as in sleep. It's not down. He's not just downstairs. He's just finishing

his tax return, but he will not. Wait, no. Look, he's just gone down. He's like, Jack, way down the stairs there and he's just fucking good, good, good, good.

But why can't you, even if he's asleep, how loud is your shower? What's she doing? Is she singing? I can't, I can't. What do you want me to tell you?

She can't wake him up. Once the baby's literally just fallen to sleep, you can't have the shower. You can't move. You can't move. I mean, you can shit yourself a little bit,

but apparently. You can't move. Silently. And I think that's the trick is trying to move, get up, without the child waking up right that's a task within itself it was a you know it's a 10 minute window yeah yeah just to

just to make sure it doesn't it won't give it enough time for the shit to dry on us and there's me going ah the baby i just have a little hug did you go back for another cuddle after she no that's that's actually she's in but yeah you don't shit ever unless you're gonna have a shower afterwards So What's the point in you not shitting yourself? That's a good question What do you mean? I don't want to get me clothes full of poo

Carl has to have a shower after he's had a shit Same Yeah because we're clean Freaks Bro You don't want to walk around with poo on you? You two should be best mates Listen

Not drinking Not pooing ourselves Eating a variety of foods as well Bro. You don't want to walk around with poo on you? You two should be best mates. Listen. Not drinking, not pooing ourselves. Eating a variety of foods as well. Watching the UFC? Yeah. Showing off. You want to be clean, don't you? Thank you, bro.

Yeah, but you might as well just shit yourself then, just for a laugh. No. If you're going to show off anyway. As in with no clothes, I just poo. Where? On the floor? No, lie on your front.

Okay. Legs together. I don't want poo in the bath either. Also, it's very hard to just do a shot when you're having a, isn't it?

Like, just to clear up, Laura didn't crap everywhere. She wasn't just like fucking doing doggy paddling her own crap

and then go, the baby's got to fall asleep. Just a little, little, wet fart. Little danger one. Have you all got dicky bellies yet the baby's got to fall asleep. Just a little, little, wet fart. Little danger one. Have you all got dicky bellies? Yeah.

Everyone's got dicky bellies. What's that, what's that from? I'm strong, mate. Strong. But what do you think it's from though? Well, Dan hasn't had a vegetable since 98.

Yeah. It's not, yeah, it's not my, yeah, beans on toast. I tried to think of a vegetable. Yeah.

How was the beans on toast? It's fine. I'm actually getting bored of me trying new foods. It was fine. For everyone who's bored of it, I know. No one's getting bored on toast? It's fine. I'm actually getting bored of me trying new foods. It was fine. For everyone who's bored of it, I know. No one's getting bored of it. It was fine.

It wasn't God. It wasn't God of people saying how happy they were watching you eat a hot dog. It was fine. I'm not eating baked beans ever again. Not bad. Well. I'm a big baked beans man.

Of course you are. You're a normal human. Supernoodles and baked beans. That's tasty. Yes, that does work. How's that a good combo? In a toastie? You've never done that? Never had supernoodles. No, it does work though. normal human. Supernoodles and baked beans, that's tasty. Yes, that does work. How's that a good combo? In a toastie, you've never done that? Never had supernoodles.

No, it does work, okay. He's never had supernoodles. Just trust me, I trust you on something. I'll trust you. I ain't listening to nothing that Dan's saying, but I trust you. You've never had supernoodles? I'm not going to keep doing this, but wow.

I've been pretty consistent. I think you'll have to give me that. Yeah. Well, we got Nando's and he had just a burger with chips that was it no salad no what do you what do you have well chicken with like grains just bring that close to you sorry chicken grains and like broccoli hummus bread like you're hitting that you're hitting the hummus man that's that stresses me out man is that just because finn's here um i went for a kebab half turkish he's in hamas

i went for a kebab in in limerick when i was on tour and i um i went in and i you always were like how much do you nail the pronunciation of the words when you're ordering and i could take away place like you can't be putting too much fucking stank on them do you know what I mean you say jalapeno though you don't say jalapenos

you don't say jalapenos but jalapeno is still like you're not you're not you know yeah it's rude if you do their accent back to them

well this is the thing just say chili garlic rather than chili garlic that's not that's not allowed but I did I was like chihuahua chicken wrap

that's fine everybody knows what I'm talking about did i was like shawarma chicken wrap that's fine everybody knows what i'm talking about then i was like oh can i get the the hummus as well and they were like right chicken wrap what else and i was like the the hummus and they were like what are you talking about and then i had to like find what number it was on their menu it was like oh 36 and they went ah hummus i was yeah, but if I'd come in going, can I have a chicken wrap with hummus? Hummus! That's bad, isn't it?

Yeah. It's when they don't understand what you mean when you point at a number as well. Oh, 36! That's why Serica doesn't, so Serica's name is Serca. That's how you're meant to say it. But she's not Irish,

so she can't introduce herself in English and then say that pronunciation. Yeah, you're saying this to... Are you saying it wrong? No, she's saying it... You're saying this to Vittorio Angeloni who pronounces that wrong every day. Exactly.

But because you don't have we-er though. Why? How are you meant to say it? Well, thanks for having me on the podcast. My name is Vittorio. That's fucked. Oh, it sounds like you've been... Yeah.

It sounds like a ticket to the booth. Vittorio. It sounds like the next thing it sounds like you're being... Vittorio. The next thing I'm going to say is, wahoo! Vittorio. But back to the shit thing. Go on. I know he's not here, but Adam was calling me out recently because apparently I've been wiping wrong.

You don't wipe front to back, do you? No, I'm not a front to back, although somebody at our live podcast said that they went... No. they didn't go they went down the front, but then pushed when they were wiping. So it's still front to back, but then they went this way.

How do you wipe? Right, number one, does everybody know, have we discussed who stands and who sits to wipe? I hover. I'm middle of stand on. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait. You're not best friends anymore, are you? Wait, no, you hover. I'm middle of stand down. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You're not best friends anymore, are you? Wait.

No, what do you, you hover. So I don't fully sit. I don't fully stand. That's me. That's me. See, we are. That's me. But what do you do?

Sit. Yeah. What do you mean? You stay sat on the toilet while you wipe? Yeah. Yeah. But I don't understand. How do you fit your hand anywhere?

Like, I don't understand. There's a gap. Yeah, but you put your hand in the poop. So you you put your arm in the toilet on the dirty toilet seat where people have pissed no sorry you are don't do that that's am i wrong here no if you put your arm in the whole toilet you don't know where the shit's gone so you're not even looking where you put in your arm you just put your arm down there with tissue yeah and just and do you pull the tissue out to grade it i never look so how do you know you're fucking thank you you see where i was going you look so you know you don't but i know that he didn't look because his hand is already by the water so i know

he's not looking so how do you know you're clean you're just guessing this is right i've i have started looking but i will refuse to see because I never looked before. I thought, just believe in yourself. You know, when your ass is not got shit on it. No,

you don't. You can feel it. No, you don't. No, you don't. You don't. You do.

No, you can feel that dry wipe. You don't. Yeah. The part of it's definitely clean, but you go into another crevice. What are you bothered by? But how would you know?

It's okay. You're all going to some fucking spa weekend every time you have a shit. No, Cade, I've got a Japanese toilet seat, which... Oh, it cleans you. Carl's my brother, man. I like Carl. You lot are some dirty, shitty-ass people.

Just make me eat a Japanese toilet and let's never talk about either thing again. And I'll fucking chew down on a golf club but what i've discovered recently is that i i i've started looking and i i know i agree that yeah i didn't know thank you but what i refuse to seed is why are you looking on wipe one to see how bad it is what's that because sometimes you're looking on my words wipe one you look to see roughly how long it's going to take yeah how many more when it comes to men though is it not just sort of that's almost like medical research

you know that first one is to be like first starting report yeah does science need to know about this yeah but it's but the good thing the weird thing is that you do, you kind of go into like a science about it. Because if it's really wet, you're like, ah, fuck, this is a long one. Or it might just be a little bit and you're like, okay, that's not too bad. Yeah. You can tell whether it's like a bit sticky or whether it's-

Why do you need to know? Are you like updating people on your ETA after one wipe? Well, you need to know. Like you do the first wipe and like, sorry, I've had a- No, no, no. Why would you not why why look on your second wipe then you're never done on your second wipe whatever so you know i

do i do a big first wipe and then leave it 10 15 till the baby's asleep it's just my technique it's different or downstairs it's different yeah or downstairs smoking i do it differently from some people what was adam having a go at you for? I never looked. For about 23 years, I never looked once. Are you scared? No. I've also never seen my own asshole. This is a point that Mike Rice holds against me. I've never looked at my own asshole.

I've never seen mine. Good. Thank you. Why would you have seen your own asshole? I've not seen mine. I'm finally a room of peers. Yes, definitely. Why would you?

When? Unless you were looking for it? What, online? You don't catch it in like, someone sent you a picture. You know when you're Googling something and you're like, oh my God, there's my arsehole. But I wouldn't know if it was.

When did they take that? Yeah, exactly. You could give me a line of arseholes and I couldn't pull mine off. You would know your own. No, he wouldn't. How would he? Oh, right, cool.

Well, I've had to eat baked beans. Let's everyone. I'm sure you could decipher if it was mine in your arse. Oh, right, cool. Well, I've had to eat baked beans. Let's everyone. I'm sure you could decipher if it was mine in your ass. Oh, apparently not. No, both clean. Cause you're both best friends. But you're gonna see the color around the edge. Possibly.

Yeah, I mean, mine might look like yours. I get it. I didn't get it. He said his might look like mine. My bad, sorry about that I can't believe he hasn't he didn't look he didn't look to see if his arse was clean for 20 odd years do you know how disgusted that is

that is like that's the wildest thing because you're there I don't understand it's not like you've got to do extra work. It's just to look. It's not like getting a... But I just trusted myself. I think I watched Star Wars too much.

Because you know when he tells him to take the thing away when he's trying to explode the Death Star and he puts away the guidance system and just does it? Oh, like on instinct. I've been using the Force for 20 years. Oh, my God. I did not know what reference that was gonna be i know that's a loose analogy that's a freddy level loose is appropriate term to use to shake your willy pardon to shake your willy like just in general i mean after you have done away yeah yeah also i do i dab i get a bit of toilet paper and dab the tip after a week.

So you'll do that, but you won't wipe your arse properly? Well, I've started now. I've started looking and everything's okay. Do you know that willy shake is one where I don't think everyone does it. I'm a bit of a willy shaker. But you're right on. There is a limit of how much willy shaking you can do before you're like... Connect, before it looks odd.

Well, I do sit down wheeze now because I've got a heated toilet seat. That's too far now, Karl. What? That's too far now. When you're out in the wild. 39 degrees. When you're out in the wild.

You feel like a female. Toilet. Like, you're at the urinal. Well, it's difficult to shake when you're sat down. But you still go to urinals though, don't you? Of course, yeah.

But yeah, yeah. But I make sure it's gone. Don Of course, yeah. But yeah, yeah. But I make sure it's gone. Don't it wheel me? But do you know what's really... But there's always a bit. There's always some... As you get older, they get small. But you know when you sit on your toilet?

I'm not even... It's not even like a brag or nothing. It's nothing like that yet. Oh, is yours in the water, Cain? No. But do you hold it back so it doesn't touch? Yeah, because I get scared of touching anything. Okay. do you hold it back so it doesn't touch yeah because i get scared to touch anything okay do you do you hold it back yeah yeah i have to pull it out i have to find mine are we talking about a winter piss yeah i've got to find mine's hibernating right in there i don't

want my willy to touch it because i feel like i might i said to these i feel like if i'm in a public toilet and my willy touches it and i get like an std how can i explain that no one's gonna believe that i mean so i make sure it touches none yeah gonna be clean you got a clean dick yeah he's clean like i always get self-conscious when to the ladies of the first first question uh when you're going to like uh urinal urinal what do we say you're right you're right um do you do you get your dick out of your dick and balls out what oh your jeans you pull your zip down and pull your bollocks out i pull i take my pants right down to my ankles but that's what my son does that's called the reception piss and then see how far i think i'm traumatized by urinals because and when i was in a primary one uh there was like that one of those you know the walls the long one

yeah yeah so we we were at that and a kid called aiden uh was pissing and i was pissing here and and he goes watch this and he just kept pissing and spun around and i i don't think i've ever recovered from that moment did you go to a special school no but he just spun around and just pissed i pissed on you yeah and i was just like i don't know because i didn't know what the rules were. Don't do that in public. That's a mad move in public. Watch this.

He did the fucking... The 360. The tornado. The helicopter. Wow. Now, standing back and getting a bit of a... Yeah, a bit of a... See how high up you can get. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. I can piss over Cardi Minogue, mate. See, when you have a boner, you could piss over a house. I couldn't. Man. Iraq peasant? That's when I have to do the push. Yeah, you have to do the push.

Oh, my God. And the lean forward. How many Kylie Minogues can you clean? That's logistics when you're like morning wood going for a piss. But just wait until you're past 40, man piss but just wait until you pass 40 man like you won't the dick won't be hard like that anymore man like i my dick is like this now oh you're still but you're still horizontal it's hard but it's like it's like the equator it's not it's not does it not go up no more no it goes up but i have to be properly like

yeah turned on but if it's just like if it's just like just an erection it's just it it ain't like yeah no it ain't facing the sky i think my my blood's doing less work but but dan starts like that yeah and then goes on yeah 100 percent but do you look when when what any any urinal Are you a looker? No. Are you a looker? I've had dick issues actually recently. Why? I think I'm going to have to get circumcised.

Is it tight? No, I just moved to North London and I think you're supposed to. They're tight as well. But no, it is too tight. Phimosis, they call it on the internet and the NHS. Adam has it as well. Yeah, too tight Famosis they call it on the internet on the NHS Adam had it as well

yeah too tight what's it called Famosis Famosis yeah and it's like Adam had it but then it went away it was like a gladiator

yeah I remember like six months ago he was trying to get circumcised and then didn't because he got scared the way I would describe it is do you know how like professional rugby players do you know how their shirts fit?

Yeah. Like it takes another guy to get it off. Is that a new thing? Iron Robin. Iron Robin? Yeah. Oh, you want a tight shirt. It does come in off the left.

Clean, I like it. But yeah, too tight. And then I've been trying they give you steroid cream which I was fucking buzzing about yeah steroids for your dick yeah get your dick jacked

I thought my dick was going to be fuck it it is but then I wanted my dick down to the Olympics so I had to stop with the steroid cream so you can't pull your foreskin

all the way back no the steroid cream has helped a lot because I spoke to the NHS and like tried steroid cream for a bit but then every time I stop it just like gets fucked again you have to split and i like many many states fucking i've had more splits than the sugar babes

oh my god that's split oh but how but how tight is it is it really tight where you can't pull it past the eye properly? Because you're not, you know, like if it's covering the eye, it's like just, you're not like a kink hose where it just. Here's something that I've been arguing with people about. When you go for a piss, are you pulling it back? Yeah. Yeah.

No, the foreskin guides it. It doesn't. It doesn't. It makes it go. I don't put. I'm with you. I pull it back. It's straight. Yeah. No, if I pull it back, then I've got don't put. I pull it back, it's straight.

No, if I pull it back then I've got to... No, you pull it back and open the eye. Pull it back, give it a squeeze. Open the eye? Open the eye, baby. Sometimes it's got a little conjunctivitis in that bitch. You know what I'm saying? You got pink eye on your dick? The fluff sprinkler, when you've got a little bit you're like i'm not controlled yeah i pull it

back as it makes it go i feel like if it don't it's like a it's like a muffler yeah a muffler could go like everywhere yeah no mine mine's been but i think that's what's caused the problem because it's been it's got a little bit of extra so your force is like a funnel type of thing yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah funnels are good analogy yeah i think i would say but then obviously it gets used to that speak on this and then it can't pull i've already i've already had the uh north london shop well this isn't but this is my actual concern which is i phoned the doctor and and then he was like have you done the steroid cream i was like yeah absolutely and i was like look i've spoken to shane todd he's had it done and i just think

oh shane Todd's been... Hang on, you named him with the doctor? Shane Todd's thinking he talked about that when he was in. Oh, wow. Sean McLaughlin, John Kearns. Oh, some good comics have got sore dicks. Yeah, there's like a lot of dick issues going on in the comics. I didn't notice there's a thing.

That's fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought like it's something that you have as a child if you've got it and then it gets sorted out or it stretches or Sean McLaughlin had a bit about it it was like do you know like trying to describe what it's like he was like do you know if like a train is going through a tunnel imagine that tunnels foreskin was like so tight but I and then I went on classic NHS they're like yeah we'll get that sorted for you You said classic It's on a radio station I went on classic FM And're like yeah we'll get that sorted for you Is that a radio station? I went on Classic FM

And they were like that's Rachmaninoff Sort your dick out Rachmaninoff Tchaikovsky tried to boil himself in the bath Oh forgot we had The music nonsense Tchaikovsky tried to Boil himself in the bath to try and boil the gay off him

Did it work? no have you heard his music? I don't think it worked is he raining men? yeah Tchaikovsky's raining men but yeah

Tchaikovsky he tried to un-gay himself by boiling himself in the bath but anyway went on the NHS website no appointments ever it wasn't even like there's this much delay't even like there's

this much delay it was like there's just no like like we'll call you the guy the dick guy's retired yeah he's yeah you should make a time wasting it is what do you mean i should say i should make this just say you know what like i keep falling over randomly because of my dick yeah yeah the problem i went for a piss and my dick started speaking Portuguese I'm not being dramatic but the problem is that you don't know when a split happens necessarily because sex feels really good

and so like your pleasure is at such a level where you're just feeling good good good good good and then I think the pain is just like cloaked underneath the pleasure. But then once you finish and the pleasure dies down, you're like,

oh, my dick's bleeding. The ultimate post-knock clarity. But do you know what? So when you get an erection, your skin is still up over the... Yeah, just. Oh, wow. Just about.

Like Hulk? Like Hulk? The footballer? I thought you meant like the shirt ripped off. It is, isn't it? It kind of is like that, yeah. Oh, that's awful. Wow.

So you slowly peel it back? Yeah, you have to get char so it's warmer. The problem with this is a mixed thing. If it's cold, your dick's smaller, and therefore it's easier to roll it back. But then if it's warm, the skin's looser, but obviously the dick is a bit fuller. So does it ever go fully back? Yeah, it'm when i'm on my steroid cream regimen

which i currently am but you know like when you're when i'm on a cycle i'm cycling off steroids but when you're having sex the your the helmet is the most sensitive part so you're not getting but you got but you got to put uh and here's a tip i learned from a gay fella you gotta put lube inside the condom that helps that helps a lot do you have sex with the skin off that's what i'm saying this is what i'm trying to say it goes like it goes oh so it moved like it should yeah yeah right that'd be mad wouldn't it hang on but sometimes there was a point where i hadn't had a wank and i think three months because i couldn't but then you had to I had to just get lube

so the skin didn't move but I could still like right three months without a wank yeah god we're levitating it was like 127 hours

I cut my arm off that's fucking torture man but no appointments so I actually do think that the synagogue might be the move. If I can just convince them, this won't help.

Is that what they do? Well, there's like a mohel and then they like the rabbi. Yeah, but they bite it off. Yeah, they do. They bite the children. They bite their little boy's dick off. Yeah, I don't think they do 27-year-old Catholics. No, they don't.

They kiss it. Excuse me, don't they? They kiss it. Do they not bite the skin off they they bite off they bite the skin they don't bite it off anymore oh they just nibble it cut it but then they like take it off yeah yeah yeah but seriously they said it's more hygienic to do it that way you do a little that's true isn't it no i swear mate you're like and and and there was an article and the rabbi gave the child herpes because he had a cold sore. That happens all the time.

See? Yeah, but the baby wanted it, so. Yeah, what was the baby wearing? Yeah. You think I'm joking? Yeah. I swear. Rabbis bite the foreskin off babies.

That's it. That's been happening for thousands of years. Apparently the reason in all those... Not so much anymore. It's Muslims as well. Muslims and Jews are all circumcised. And apparently it's literally just like sand would well muslims and jews are all circumcised and apparently it's literally just like sand would get in there like way back when that's the fucking

that's his rabbi his mohel wow yeah we can't speak yeah man why is that allowed just use an implement they don't pay tax either it's a charity isn't it do they not don't they do they not isn't it usury it's banned so they don't usury yeah what is it where you can't have interest

what's that they can't get they have their own specific mortgage companies we're making that up so I guess what we're talking about usury

is that the way google it u-s-u-r-y in their in their in their scripture it's like banned you can't have interest

or money so they've got oh I don't know what it's called have interest or money. So they can't loan a child. So they've got their own specific mortgage. Oh my God. We're walking a pretty tight rope here. This is great. You need to go to the synagogue, get yourself a deposit for a house,

interest-free, get your dick nibbled off. Yeah, I don't know what it's called, but yeah, they're not allowed to, they don't pay interest on their money. Yeah. So they'll pull their money together and then you'll borrow it and then pay that back without interest. They don't pay interest.

Well, the good people of Halifax feel differently about it. Yeah. I don't think Howard's Jewish. No, that's true. He's got a rabbi. How's your special going? It came out a couple of weeks ago. I was really batting and

down the mental hatches for youtube comments isn't it such a nightmare like you didn't people didn't get to comment on your dvd like 20 years ago do you know what i mean but now they get to but now they just get direct access to my pocket yeah to be like oh somebody's commenting on your special didn't understand a fucking word he said all right cool right, cool. That's fine. Don't worry about it. That's fine. Yeah, no, brilliant. Been completely blown away by like the,

the response and lack of cuntiness in the comments. It's been really heartening. And the numbers have been good. Have a nice shout out to all the have a word boys who worked on all the. Yeah. Oh, you're not shooting special. Yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah. It's funny that I haven't had anybody approach me about shooting my special. Yeah. I asked them, don't worry about it. Oh, you shot a special? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's funny though, I haven't had anybody approach me about shooting my special. Yeah, I asked them, don't worry about it.

Oh, did you? Okay. Where do you want to shoot it? I'll do one in Liverpool. Yeah? We all found you a venue. I did it about 20 yards from where we're sitting.

Like it is unbelievable, the venue is unbelievably close. It also doesn't exist. Isn't that like a bit cool? It's gone now. That my special is just like... It's back now, isn't it? Is it? No now that my special is just like it's back now isn't it is it

phase one no better not be I swear it's back open I thought it had gone I like the fact that it had closed if we help you film a special up here will you help us do

a urban comedy night special in South London 100% yeah and you can do that as one of your specials as well that's what we want to do yeah I'll do that

yeah that's why we want to that's why you're doing your stand up. Basically, if you and Kaye could guide us through a proper urban comedy night. I want as many people as possible to meet Junior Booker. Oh yeah, Junior's amazing.

He's just the wildest guy. Yeah, Junior's a great comedian, man. Ever? Is he the one Barry Dodds has got the story about? No, that's Junior Simpson. Oh no, completely different comics. Yeah, it's the same name. Junior is a, Junior Booker's a great comic.

Great, great comic. He's also like just the, he's got the most riz. Is that what the kids are saying nowadays? Yeah, riz. He's got the most riz I've ever seen of anyone. So he used to do a comedy show

in like Peckham and his flyering technique was to go out, flirt with women to the point where they thought he was inviting them on a date at the venue and the room would just be full of like 100 women who thought they were meeting him for a drink and he would just do the game he's a wild fucker man

he's a stoner like he's so sick he's so he's such a cool guy man all right well we'll shoot we'll shoot a special for you somewhere and then you can you can introduce us to the urban comedy yeah yeah I'll help you out and I'll tell you man you lot it's a completely

different energy to a white room you lot will fucking love it man I'm telling you that's what I'm saying I'm watching your clips and I'm loving it

yeah I appreciate that because they're so different yeah because the energy the energy's completely different like do you know what

I'm going to speak to you afterwards anyway because I've got an idea for a show and if you are interested okay then yeah all right

let's have a break in a business meeting yeah let's do that the fucking shootout I came here for a fucking shootout the fucking guns

isn't it what are you going to do bake me a cake hell it's a fucking rolling pin we've got some correspondence we do oh the correspondence

the correspondence we're going to start Finn's doing it because I'm on tour go on go on we're going to start with some simple pleasures simple

pleasure pretty bacon let Cain hear this simple pleasure we did Pleasure. I'm pretty picky. Let Cain hear this. Simple pleasures. The weekend. The only. Simple pleasures. I'm out of the loop.

What is simple pleasures? What do you think it is? Have a guess. Just like naming simple pleasures? It is. But if these people are stupid, so simple pleasure, ruining the lottery, it isn't.

They're simpletons. That's an extravagant pleasure. Oh, so they're a simpleton? What's the positive flip of a simpleton? Simple pleasure. Well done. Okay. Having a shower directly after you've sharted. Simple pleasure. Now that's a human, right?

Yeah, it is, right? Not in my house. Cain was like... I was just thinking, being able to pull my foreskin back. Oh. Why are you... Sorry, mate. Why are you rubbing my dick against me?

I'm sorry. This first one is from Mark Labette. What? Who used to always buzzcocks? That's Mark Lamar. Okay. Yeah, it's from The Beast. Simple pleasures.

Looking in a multi-pack of crisps and finding the last bag of the best flavour hiding at the bottom. Yeah, I like it. I'll give him that. Now, if we were, like, talking Walker's bog-standard multi-pack, what's the best?

Nah. What's your best? Do you know what was such a legend and then disappeared? Barbecue. Walker's lamb best? Do you know what was such a legend and then disappeared? Barbecue. Walker's lamb and mint. Lamb and mint. They still do.

One of the companies still does that. That's the greatest crisp. No, it's not. Best crisp ever. Branaghans, beef and mustard. I've never even, I've never even heard of Branaghans.

Oh. Yeah. Please tell me you had Branaghans. Do you think I had beef and mustard? Oh yeah. even heard of Branigans. Please tell me you had Branigans. Do you think I had beef and mustard? Oh yeah, that's true. Have you had the Branigans? No. Have you? Tasty? Oh my god. Oh yeah, they've been discontinued.

Man, best crips ever. I don't remember seeing them. Did you say crips? Crips. Yeah man. Crips. Crips. Crips. Why did you even say as well? Bronco teal bloods. Crisps. We'd be like, crips. Why, did you even see as well? Yeah, the crips.

Brown cocktail bloods. Crips. You know what I'm saying, bro? What's going on, bro? They were. They're coming

in a blue packet? Yeah, yeah, yeah, with a bandana around it. Kick your head, bro. Kick your head.

Crips and onion. These, yeah. It doesn't work. They're in the blue bag. They're in the blue bag. it's all right with cheese they were the best flavor but they tasted like they had real mustard on them they were they were amazing i like a flavor some simple pleasure when you get an extra one of your favorite flavor in like a multi-pack of six there is a seventh bag in there that is your favorite flavor.

How often's that? It's happened a few times to me in lockdown. And you know when you just take, you need a simple pleasure, like, yeah. Tell you what, Dan loves an extra bag. Yeah.

Especially in lockdown. Of crisps. Of crips. Okay. Right, okay. Next one. Jake Carthew. When your barber actually cuts your hair the way

you want it oh yeah every time josh galore best in the city get on a barber barber i don't i'm bad at the i never know what to ask them i feel like i don't know how to speak barber do you know what i mean yeah i gotta know what i'm supposed to say to like like you know get them to do what i want them to do but haven't you seen somebody who's got like a hairstyle that you're like oh let me try that i when i was a kid i just took a picture of fernando torres i was like can i look like that please but no i i just don't know i just don't want any harsh lines and then i just spend too much time talking about that and i think they get freaked out so i used to go to barbering you said harsh line so much they're like this guy wants a harsh line but i used to go to like the london school of

barbering get free haircuts me too that was that was the one in you used to go to the london school of barbering manchester one there's one i went to that before i went on countdown hang on so this is the trainees who were like and you're like yeah at least it's great watch my episode of countdown you'll see that it was caught my hair was cut by someone that didn't know how to cut hair like on the day i was like i'm gonna be on tv today and i've never seen someone flap so much and so the guy was like what i don't know how to you put him under pressure man no harsh lines and i got tv come on bro this fucker's only held a pair of scissors hang on if you're going to london school of barbering you're usually paying what 15 quid a haircut what's in london what my hair 25 35 50 with a tip so um you give him 15 pound tip

depends that's big that's big if i get a product no because they're expensive but i'll usually knock her up to the 50 so hang on at the London School of Barbering, shouldn't you have like, listen, I'm trying to save some money here, but I don't want the free cut. I want the one who's been there a month. You don't get to choose that? Oh, sometimes the trainers would take over if it was going wrong.

You want the shittest student? You want the shittest student? Because then the teacher takes over and it's slightly shorter than you wanted it, but you always pitch longer than you wanted it. And then the teacher has to fix all the mistakes and then you get a nice haircut i take a five pound fringe do you know what i mean if there's like a you're the school of barbering here's a fiver someone who's been there a little longer that is but you're actually you're actually saying go for the brand new one who just breaks down in tears after they're

taking a chunk out then the teacher comes and sorts it out. I'll tell you exactly. It's very much like our barber special. I give a good haircut. I've shown. You absolutely marmalized several people. And then Josh came in and sorted it out. No sort outs for me. My signature cut's called the power cut. Because?

Because it looks like there's beam on when you leave. Nice. Boom. Man's got you. That's nice. I think, do you ever think that barber is like The first week of the training He's really good at it

You get some crits to celebrate We at bitches We at Yeah Victoria's got one line in But I've got one Say if it's like an eight week course To learn how to be a barber

I'm adamant That the first week You learn everything you need to know about cutting hair. And then the next seven weeks is learning how to make it look random. Right. Do you know what I mean? They're always like... But I think if they just did it slowly, they would be, wow. Which one's mine? Chuck is ahead.

That one's mine. That's Claire. Oh, that is... Claire Balding? She was. We, um... This is what we practiced on, Cain, before we cut the peoples.

Man. Oh, wow. This is, um... Because these are, like, replenishable, aren't they? You can put more hair through it. Mine was Hipster Hitler. I think I nailed it. Yeah, mine's Claire.

She had a bad day. Hipster Hitler? Oh, no, that's awful,'s awful man yeah this is really bad this looks like me right now but what I don't understand like if you're if you're going on tv why wouldn't you just go to a normal barber yeah why risk it I don't understand why you did that it wasn't like comedian countdown it was the one for autistic people it's still a telly did you win oh yeah how did you do no I got absolutely fucked Because this guy Was just like Lived with his ma

Worked in Sainsbury's Stacking shelves And just played Count Brandon I remember his name He'd beaten seven people Before me I was just his

Fucking eighth victim Who was in Dictionary Corner When you were on? Some like history woman I was really disappointed I did meet Rachel Riley though I think I caused

Brexit She's a toady Well this is The fucking problem She's a toady Well this is The fucking problem She's a beautiful woman But she's This is before she went A bit mad on the internet

And Started supporting My future community In North London I'm team Vorderman You're team Vorderman She's cool She's a woman

She's from Rome Hey listen Listen Vorda She's a shaggist Fucking heck mate She is a shaggist as well. But you know she said that she's got like five guys on the go.

Yeah, yeah. They're special friends. Yeah. She looks like she's been held together by gaffer tape. I don't care. She is. I don't care, bro. If you took off Carol Vorderman's clothes

and her body came apart in different pieces, black men would still go there. Walking around. Oh shit, there's an ass in the corner. Hold on, where's the guy? Bro, she is solid. black men will still go there walking around oh shit there's an ass in the corner hold on where's the girl bro she is

solid she's the sexiest Mr Potato ever but it's like it's like you don't like curves but it's like who's your favourite footballer

it's like whatever when you were at the right age for that to happen it's your era yeah it's your era so like Rachel Riley is definitely more of my era yeah

I understand what you mean but Vorda is like come on man timeless Sue she dents as well mate Yeah, it's your era. So like Rachel Riley is definitely more of my era. Yeah, I understand what you mean, but Vorda is like, come on, man. Timeless. Sue, she dents as well, mate. Nah. What if dent's in now? What?

She's a dork. Yeah, but that makes it sexier, I think. Do you think the Rachel Riley thing's a spoof? Because they definitely just get it pumped into their ear. Yeah, but I don't think they did when it was Carol Vorderman, did they? No, she's a smart fucker, man. She's immense. Yeah, she's proper. She gets the answers, probably. Yeah, but Is don't think they did when it was Carol Vorderman, did they? No, she's just a smart fucker, man. She's immense. Yeah, she's proper.

She gets the answers put in her ears. Yeah, but Ishan's immense. Oh, yeah. He gets things put in his ears as well. So many rogue shots for you. Just like stray bullets. He's on the wall. He's allowed.

But yeah, I went on Countdown. I got them. That's when i first ever went viral on the internet was appearing on countdown because i had a little plan when i went up to to do countdown i was like this might not go well so i might as well get something from it and i'd only just started comedy i was like i might as well get like a viral video out of it so every comedians are such animals aren't they literally going to fuck up a tv show this might get clipped can finn taylor come and talk about the nfl he's like yeah but i go up every i thought every round when i'm picking the letters i'm gonna go vile

consonant vile right just in case ira came up right and it did no it didn't it did right leave it there it's my first ever viral video it is me watching myself on countdown and when it comes up i go yeah are you serious i got so excited in the room you can see me like drop my pencil and like forget to write down all the other letters and then when they come to me i go they go how many i go seven and then i say like neutron or something and they go there's no ends in the thing and i was like oh sorry i was just so on the internet yeah yeah finder what if you just search countdown ira it will come up right but i met rachel riley i was really excited to meet rachel riley and i said there i think i caused brexit a bit oh i said to her and suzy then because they this was back in the day when they were like all about education and like like

supporting good causes on twitter and stuff and i was like oh it's so cool you just don't know what to say to those people so i was like oh an easy compliment was like oh it's so cool you use your platform to talk about stuff that you think's important and then literally a month later rachel riley starts fucking going off on one about jeremy corbyn and that's all she does on twitter now i think i might have encouraged it well done your hair is ropey. Oh, shit. Let's get the screen. Can we get the screen? Can we get the screen? Can we get the screen?

No harsh lines. My man hate harsh lines. Listen, that's what I'm saying. I told you. I don't know how to speak barber. Oh, fuck. That's not you, is it? That is me.

Zoom in. Is that full screen for you? No. It's at the top. Zoom in and scroll up it's fucked up one minute oh yeah

yeah there's there's some seriously harsh lines on my let's watch this what's the beard doing as well? it's like mutton chops yeah fuck oh

I oh are oh fuck yeah look at that R Oh fuck Yeah Look at that Look at that That'll do

Leave it there I nearly stood up and left On the next round When it's been up the raw The barber didn't get the MO there Did he? No he really fucked me up there But I'm fucked in there

But I go to Jacob Hawley Owns a couple barber shops in London Yeah Idris Barbering Company out there did he no he really fucked me up there but i'm fucked in there but i go to uh jacob holly owns a couple barber shops in london yeah idris barbering company i go to them now jacob holly did he say idris it's called idris barbering company okay i saw it just come up on the screen he's got so excited yeah okay now for a black guy on the white hairdressers i was like this is like the asians owning the black hair stores. Are black hair barbers as fun as they seem? Yes.

As Eddie Murphy has made them seem. In coming to America. I just want to go and let him cut my ponytail. But I just like, I never, I don't talk to, like I hate, I just want to shut up and just like have someone touch my head a lot. Do you know what you should do? Oh, do you know what?

Listen, go to a black barber. You'll get a good cut from a black barber. I have the opposite of black hair. You go, go to a black barber. What do you, no harsh lines? Go to a black barber. I'm gonna get the most aggressive. I've been told to go to a black barber.

You've got quite, yeah. That barber will fix your shit up, bro. I'm kidding you, man. But you don't like, you don't like. I'm a ragam shit up bro but you don't like you know i'm a ragamuffin but you don't like fades or nothing do you no ah well don't go but you i'm not gonna skin vid go to a black barber man i'll tell you if go to a good black barber yeah that makes sense they will they'll give you the best cut you've ever had or go to the l School of Black Barbers. I'm just saying. Right, next simple pleasure.

Last one, Noah Healy. Simple pleasure. Finishing some fruit in public and just throwing peel or core into a bush. I get so conflicted about this. I threw ice out my door before and felt like scum. Ice is probably fine, I reckon. Ice is fine. You know, but it looked like I just knocked my door through something felt like scum. Ice is probably fine, I reckon. Ice is fine.

You know, but it looked like I just opened my door and threw something else. Why are we throwing ice away? Because I put it in Wallace's bowl. Because he likes ice, but then he took it out and kept putting it on the floor and making puddles. Right. It's not fun, it's just true.

I, uh... Yeah, I think if it's biodegradable, there's different rules in it. But it's like, you can't just throw it in someone's... Ice just melts. You can't just throw it in someone's garden if it's biodegradable it's different rules in it but it's like you can't just throw it ice just melts you can't just throw it in someone's garden if it's like a banana peel well i think you should be throwing anything in anyone's garden because i just even ice looks a bit eggy yeah yeah but you probably can't did your houses ever get egged when you were growing up yeah it was usually always egging them i'm not scared we were the no people would just

egg my house i think it was people who knew me from school and stuff. We never figured out who. Scary, getting egged. No, it's loud. When it hits the window. You just sat in the living room. None of us have ever suffered hate attacks. It happened every Thursday for 12 years. I hit a seagull on the motorway the other day,

and that was one of the scariest things I've ever done. You hit a seagull? A seagull on the motorway hit me. One punch. That'd be such a good punch. 69 miles an hour. That's scary. Yeah, were you going,

did it break your windshield? No, I was so happy it didn't. But like, it was dead. Yeah. I hit it. And it was like the loudest thing ever. And then, so we got like, Joe and I,

you're a bit like, so you get, you pull over to the left lane and slow down a bit to let your heart come back. There was a guy in the middle lane driving like a're a bit like so you get you pull over to the left lane and slow down a bit to let your heart come back there was a guy in the middle lane driving like a knobhead like middle lane hog

and I was like fuck so I pull up alongside him to look and as I looked he had the podcast on his phone going it's about half six in the morning I was like

hey mate you just killed the seagull what happened to the seagull just popped oh I hit him he's dead have you seen the one getting hit by the baseball? The pitcher?

Yeah. Yeah. Have you seen the bird getting hit by the pitcher? It flies across. It explodes. And he hits it with the ball. 90 miles an hour. No, there's no...

No. He was just pitching, but the seagull just flew in the wrong place at the wrong time. Fucked, mate. Dead. Have you ever killed animals? Oh, don't talk to me.

Well, no, Ron. Damn, sorry. My kids have. What? animals? Oh, don't talk to me. Well, no, Ron. Damn, sorry. My kids have. What? My kids. What are they doing? Resting. Your kids dead?

Hamster. Got twins, and they were like, got my hamster. And then they were, they're only like about three, and they were playing catch with it. Mate, when I got home. Oh, no. There was blood, like, squirted. They didn't realize.

Obviously, they don't know they're playing yeah and fucking blood everywhere and they were like it's not moving I was like fucking killed the fear it's fucked

it's fucked bro blood everywhere mate it was awful are they kids alright? yeah they're alright I suppose you don't know what that age is it's just a toy

yeah they didn't realise obviously they didn't realise they were like probably no probably yeah three or four three or four years old

we used to have triplets who lived next door who were like a good bit younger than us and we had three goldfish called Bibb, Bob and Trevor and

they were in the bowl right and sometimes the triplets' parents would like be out so they would just like come around and like we would look after them and the triplets' parents would like be out. So they would just like come around and like, we would look after them. And the triplets came around and then they'd heard, they were like always buzzing to see the goldfish, Bob and Trevor.

And they were just buzzing and they'd always heard us talking about like feeding the goldfish. And they were like, can we feed the goldfish? And we were like, no, you can't feed the goldfish. Like it's actually like, you have to be careful and do whatever. And one time we were just sitting watching TV and we just heard from the kitchen, one of the triplets go, we did it!

Because they'd fed the goldfish, but they obviously don't know how to do it. So there was the goldfish bowl, three goldfish in it, and also three bits of Weetabix. At least they melt. Just in the fucking... All the goldfish died.

Gradually though, it was slow. One of them ate so much Weetabix that it popped. Death by Weetabix. I burst a rabbit the other day, oh, say the other day, about three or four months ago by accident,

driving home from Hickory's. I ran over a rabbit and it burst. And I was like dead upset driving home and said, you've just eaten like 60 pounds worth of meat in Hickory's. And I was like, yeah, home and said like when you've just eaten like 60 pounds worth of meat in hickories i was like yeah but i've just like it popped yeah we all watched

watership down brutal movie yeah that was so scary yeah have you seen watership done years ago i don't remember it does he run over a rabbit well does you run off a rabbit that's just a brutal yeah my memory of Watership Down is that it's like unrelentingly grim yeah and even like

the way the rabbits are drawn it's like scary yeah you have to watch Space Jam there's like a big boss

there's like a big boss isn't there yeah big scary like hair or like something yeah I'd watch Space Jam afterwards

wank over Lullabunny chill out a bit you're very on point there sexual awakening been speaking about sexual awakenings press the button have we got any

I don't know what these things are we don't but I can grab some oh he's alright what do you mean on a bit of tip oh is this

sadness music yeah hey the bunny from Space Jam's getting a lot of love as a sexual awakening listen is it

a lot of women like the fox from Robin Hood. Yeah, that was one last week. Chitara from Thundercats. Or were you already too old when Thundercats came out? Don't take the piss, bro. I was around Thundercats. Of course I was.

Chitara was hot. Chitara was hot. So basically, for everyone who was listening, a sexual awakening is when you were young and you realized you had the capacity to go, oh, I like that, but I don't know why. Not unsexualized like people saying the deity video christina aguilera doesn't count would you like some

examples needs to be like a cartoon yeah so we've got bry bry said miss honey from matilda yeah if you watch that film ago god miss one you'd. And that's not, she's meant to be the embodiment of like purity. It is. Definitely. And like, this is always true. If you can think of it, there's already a porn of it. Mrs. Trunchbull. Yeah, the Stephon Matilda porn.

There's definitely Chokey porn. Oh yeah. Choke me. So Steph Hay. Bruce Bogtrotter. Steph Hay says the black and white fish with the scar on his face from Finding Nemo. Oh my God. What the fuck's his name? Oh oh it's willem dafoe isn't it yeah yeah yeah shark bait what's the character yeah that's the one

gill gill gill yeah yeah the one that's trying to get out he's he's in he's in australia yeah and he's trying to get out trying to teach him how to escape yeah yeah i've got a fucking list of these go on uh the cameron diaz fish from shark tail yeah yeah yeah yeah uh the um do you ever seen flushed away yeah you know the hot rap yeah you guys were you you guys were old enough to know that this, you had a fetish over like a cartoon. No, you was young. Flushed Away came out when you were like fucking eight. Yeah, eight, nine, ten. Oh yeah, you were young, you were young, innit?

I forgot. The, and this is a, this is a, do you know the blue lady from X-Men? Yeah. Oh, Misty. She's hot though. Isn't that Halle Berry though? No.

Yeah, no, but do you know, do you know the version that this is so weird i remember my first like causal boner does that make any sense yeah reason for having yeah so you like you've had you had like boners when you were a kid or whatever for like no reason just like blood flow whatever but the first one where i was like oh that was caused by this do you remember epic movie yeah which was like a spoof of all all movies they had a spoof mystique who like you know like she's shape shifts but she just like made her tits bigger and then her ass bigger and i was like whoa that's so cool common electro in it uh yeah yeah she's fit as

well i think i remember that yeah and then i went i went to the toilet and pissed with the boner and was like that's how you solve that when you started wanking did you cum? no you don't cum in the first dozen I don't think yeah at least it's just like a puff of air comes out I weed once when I was trying to have a wank when you cum

I thought everything's right here and just did a big just did a big arcing piss it was just piss then I had a wet patch in my bedroom and had to you know stop mid-flow because i was like i can't just finish this week that's so funny i just pissed on my on the carpet on the other side of my bedroom oh my god that's so funny kane can you think of any sexual awakenings no i couldn't i struggle to think of mine i think my name is jeff from gladiators though there's an anonymous one jeff oh jeff jeff jeff from biker grove jeff jeff no uh jet jet oh

yeah i can't bro i'm i'm fucking old man i can't remember anything i remember the first thing uh i would watch uh black eyed peas music video to my humps on an iPod classic and went to that. Classy. Nice. Yeah, that's mad. This person, there's an anonymous one here who said, ask my girlfriend about sexual awakening. She said when she was five, visiting family in south africa her cousin put on austin powers goal member and she distinctly remembers her sexual awakening being the scene where fat bastard

is rubbing his body in the spa oh my gosh in the context of that story i that that's obviously horrific but when she was like visiting south africa i was like it better not be the fucking long walk to freedom Beyonce's in that film as well yeah but it's a girl she's a guy she's a girl I think it would be more normal if you fancied no okay I was a bad sexual like whoever sent that in are they a big fat bastard I don't know well the rest is though well because yeah what does that say about you? If her sexual awakening is like the ugliest, like tried to be like the ugliest

guy ever. I mean, fair news. She's with a dream man and he doesn't have to do a fucking thing.

What's the ugliest person you found attractive? Like someone who people would be like, what the fuck?

Claire Balding. Kane, he thinks Maya Jama is a dog. Oh, rough mate. Maya for claire balding over maya jammer and don't wait don't don't don't don't don't don't don't this is fun maya this is fucked up i think that's treason oh maya all right but what is it maya scammer more like what is it that you what is it that you what is it that's mad what is it that you don't like what do

i like it's easier to to list the things i like is it because all right is it because of her personality something you don't like about her personality that makes you not like no no so we we like so we've got like we spoke about like the dream ladies like maya jammer margo robbie and he says they're just really boring and plain and he doesn't like them so he doesn't think she's ugly but he's like nah

because there's nothing that stands out for you if I'm honest Cain she's an objectively very beautiful woman okay but I've just decided it's much funnier

to call her an absolute fucking moose hoof there you go moose mate who's your dream woman then Cain oh my god Any either

Fucking heck My grown up was Eva Mendes Eva Yeah Eva Mendes Very hot Zooey Deschanel Has a really Important place in my heart

Pretty lady Which year? Like new girl or elf? Both mate Both in different ways Selena Gomez In Wizards of Waverly Place When I was also

An appropriate age to fancy her. Yeah. But she's back in the news for being hot. She is, yeah. Because she's got tits now and all. She's got a bit of curvature going on now. Yeah. What about Mo Molan?

Ah. Speaker of the House. That's power, isn't it? Shadow Cabinet. Oh, God. Oh, look at that. Shadow Cabinet. Fiona Bruce.

That's how weird that was. Me and Fiona Bruce? Don't talk to me about fiona bruce who's your woman then kane like all time i don't know there's not one i got through phases but angela bassett was one who's that angela bassett yeah she's recently from black panther she's old now she's old now but when she was younger um um yeah Eva Mendes. But oh, Sofia Vergara. Oh yeah. Of course.

Oh yeah. Modern family. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Isn't she like 60 as well? Yeah, she's like, she's old, man. She's not as old as Tess Daly. 84.

Mad, isn't it? Tess Daly's older than you think. Is it? She's like 50. Yeah, she's 56. She's 91. Who? Tess Daly.

Tess Daly. Tess Daly. How strictly? The 103 year old. The good looking one. What are you talking about? Hold on, wait. The screen's off again. You know Tess Daly.

The screen's off. Yeah. It's fine. Do the next bit of prep, Finn. You keep rolling, kid. Okay, right. For balance, what's a guy like?

Because at some point in your like adolescence, you go, am I gay? No, you can appreciate. And then you check back in with yourself. You can appreciate. He-Man.

Like who's the man? He-Man. And what do you think? Am I gay? And I know this is making Cain very uncomfortable. He-Man was ripped when he's like fucking Prince Adam. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I hope the power of Troy.

What the power of grace goes? In which one? In Troy. I haven't seen that. Brad Pitt in Troy. What about Brad Pitt in anything? No, but have you seen him in Troy when he's... Like ripped.

Who is he in that? Achilles? No, not Achilles. Yeah, he's Achilles, isn't he? Mine was footballers. I'd love to kiss Xabi Alonso. Yeah, Xabi Alonso. Xabi Alonso's a good looking man.

What with your shitty arse and your foreskin that can't pull back. Fuck off. Mine was David Batty. Unlikely. Which Premier League footballer least wants you to kiss them? I think David Batty

is right up there. Jamie Vardy would stab you if you tried to kiss him. Jesus Christ. Stuart Pearce. Right. He seems like a laugh.

Should we do a have a word? Go on. We've not done one for ages. What? We've got a good one. Of all the fucking content you could have whipped out. It feels like ages, doesn't it?

This is only happening because you're doing prep. You hear it? I can't hear it. No, it's just the final 10%. David Batty over my hijab earlier. So this is from Nicole Eden Can you have a word with my boyfriend

He refuses to cut his nails short To a normal length because he believes Having long nails is helpful for him Taking out his contact lenses I have told him that he shouldn't be scraping out his contacts With his fingernails but he won't listen I'm worried one day he's going to blind himself Sort him out cheers Nicole

Oh that man got scratchy, scratchy, dirty fingers. Don't barbers have a long little fingernail? No, it's drug addicts. Yeah. That's guys who smoke weed to take the seeds out of the weed. No, no, it's bumps. Instead of doing like a cave cat or whatever, you just... I've seen like where he's having as well to like get like...

Some freaky guitarists in South America. They always have big long nails but this she just wants fingered oh he's obviously not hungering there's no way i hope not she ended up looking like me yeah no that's disgusting man i i'm listen i honestly everyone can do what they want i'm so like liberal about anyone living their life how they want to live it apart from men having long fingernails disgusting unless it's like a gender thing where they're like i am actually trying to be a woman i honestly just think it's such a creepy look i got a manicure before my special

recording nothing wrong with that if you want to look after yourself because i was like when else are my like hands gonna be that filmed that like close up yeah because most of the shots were like there and there in my hands on the mic and i was like i just don't want like that to just be like i just want it to look like as nice and like just on top of it as possible it's got a recommendation right from adam's missus in liverpool went to it and it must have been the fucking london school of manicuring because that woman fucked my hands up so aggressively if you look on my special my finger is bleeding the whole way she fucked my cuticle up she like pushed it all the way back and then there was just blood pissing out of my finger the whole way through the recording oh my god so a shitty haircut and nails no my hair

was good for the special oh was it good for i always up tv stuff though okay when i did bbc new comedian i decided i wanted my ear pierced for it so i pierced it on the day why am i doing this you overthink things so self-sabotage that my ears bleeding on my own You overthink things so much. I self-sabotage that. My ear's bleeding, not my own. You're like Pep Guardiola. What are you doing?

You can see it running down the side. Stop doing shit to yourself. Tens of thousands of people are going to look at you. But he does it on the day. It's not like he gives himself a chance to say, does it work or does it not work for you?

I just thought I wanted a chemical peel before live at the Apollo. That man with the rash was all right. Just trim his nails in the night. Go on live at the Apollo looking That man with the rash was alright. Just trim his nails in the night. Go on, live in the Apollo looking like Frank Ribery. Trimming nails. Trimming nails is grim.

Are you scissors or clippers? I had to do it for my granddad when he was in the old people's home just at the end. You're like, I'm only doing this because I love you. It was fucking grim. Doing it on the kids is tense just you know if you just go and do it a little bit too much it's horrible i'm really into on tech talk people like trimming horses hooves that's like my i watch that like all the time though that's so weirdly watchable where they like carve out and then there's like a spot and they like squeeze a spot

in their hoof. Oh. I'm running into spots. Do you ever see a horse who hasn't been like attended to by a farrier in a long time? They get like pointy elf shoes.

Oh really? Yeah. Google a horse who hasn't had his nails cut. Get out. It happens to donkeys as well. Come on Jamie. It happens to donkeys a lot.

Donkeys man. Horse with silly feet. It's like a song isn't it? Yeah yeah. Horse in need of a farrier. Run through a lot. Donkeys? Horse with silly feet? It's like a song, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. Horse in Needle Farrier. Run through the desert. What if they're wild stallions? I think wild stallions,

there's like, do you know the way, do you know the way dogs, if they like run on, they can like basically file down their own nails? Right. From like running about

the roads and shit like that? Yeah, so if you've got a house horse. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Liberal o'clock. Yeah. They're very, they're very high maintenance pointy vittorio bringing the horse knowledge it looks like he's got um like like um the green shoes like the grinch's shoes yeah it's bad it's bad oh poor babies as a musician finn yeah have you ever fancied the longer fingers or do you

not you do you not have long fingers he's got one long finger have you seen his finger have a word fucking bingo today what and he can't have his name in some other shit fucking heck man lord i need a fucking drink no no but i i until quite recently was very bad for biting my nails like that was my like do you know all right stress thing they did a thing on online if you google it you will never bite your nails again and everything but there's like live shit under your nails that you can see moving like you know like little mics and shit you google it you'll never bite your nails again. It's where you find the most bacteria.

Well, you'd never go to Mackey's again. It was a family of field mouse. Oh, yeah, but who uses the screens at McDonald's? Who uses these touch... Stormzy, mate? Stormzy was picturing using the screens like this way. I don't think he pressed it. There's no way.

Those screens have got everything on it. Really? Who goes into McDonald's? But everything has everything on it. Everyone. Yeah, exactly. But I'm saying... There's gross stuff everywhere.

And then go and pick your food up. Dutty fingered hungry people. Everything's just gross everywhere. I wash my hands like 10 times a day. Yeah. Well, that checks out. You don't wash your bum, no? No.

Which is strange. Yeah. That is very, very strange. You know, with all this a little bit of bacteria here a little bit of bacteria there not going to fucking kill you is it it's good for your immune system

having a shitty arse no I mean just all this like oh if you've touched something you've got to wash your hands oh yeah of course I don't mind my bacteria but I don't want someone else's because I've seen people

they're nasty have you seen what they do people are nasty, man. You can put healthy people's poo up your own arse. Is it poo enema? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah. They put other people's poo up your bum

and it makes your gut healthier because they've got healthy poo. Yeah. Yeah. Don't be homophobic. It's like a poo vaccine. Don't be so stupid. What are you talking about?

Yeah, they put poo inside you of someone who's healthy and it will clear your gut. Don't be homophobic It's like a poo vaccine Don't be so stupid What are you talking about? Yeah It's a poo vaccine They will put poo inside you Of someone who's healthy And it will clear your gut Yeah So what the fuck happened to Yakko? We've all

What the fuck We've all had one this morning Yeah That's a weird Have you not had your poo enema? No Yeah You're not going to try

To do it to me now, are you? Yeah Oh my god It's good for you Is that a thing? Seriously That's what Lance Armstrong Did with blood Just healthy stuff Poo do God. It's good for you. Is that a thing? Seriously? That's what Lance Armstrong did with blood.

Just healthy stuff. Pooh doping. Yeah. It's weird, isn't it? People are weird, though. But who came up with this idea? Someone, some doctor must have said. Gillian McKeith, probably.

But poo is waste. So how is... Because everyone's weight, it's still got good bacteria. It's about your gut biome. If your poo's healthier than mine, having your poo is healthier for me. But how much are they putting up there are they putting like you know like a little sprinkle or is it like a whole like have a look what am i doing it's a log man what's it called like

do you know like a foot long subway finn's feeling really best You're lying to me, right? Pooh transplant. I don't want to see Pooh transplant. Have you seen the people I don't want to see it. Fecal transplant. We've got it. We've got the gist. Just get the definition there.

What is the success rate? 90 to 95% success rate. That's good odds. Of what, though? Of what? Healthier gut. Yeah, but how do they measure healthier gut then?

Because then your Pooh gets used on someone else. It's the circle of life, baby. It's like the human centipede of poo. It's 1,300 quid. What? Oh, mate. I'll do your discount right now.

That's less than a month's rent. But it's VAT exempt. Oh, wow. Cleaning back on expenses. Shite it off. I can't believe that this is a thing. 200 quid cash. We'll do it raw, dog.

I can't believe that this is a thing. Next Patreon special. Fecal transplants. But see who's got the healthiest. I can't talk about shit anymore guys. I've talked about his gammy dick. And I've had enough of that shit. Have we got one more thing?

We've got a confession. Shall we just sit in judgement on a confession? I think we should this is a vile one oh god is it a hard place to judge anyone no we're all very honest you're gonna judge this person okay confessions anonymous talk over the drops hello i have a confession me and my ex used to do airbnb sorry i I wasn't working at the time. Start again. Hello.

I have a confession. Me and my ex used to do... Hang on, Finn. No. No. Hang on. He's mine. Hang on.

Just with feelings. Just not yours. He's ours. Finn. Where do you get a sense... Where do you think they're from? I'm getting a very Jamaican sense from this. Are we allowed? Can we do it? You can do a Jama? Where do you think they're from? I'm getting a very Jamaican sense from this. Are we allowed?

You can do it with Jamaica next time if you want. I feel like this might be him from Jamaica. I just want to see Finn work. He just wants him to. I'm feeling like they're not from Jamaica. I think they're... No, Finn. Finn.

I think they're from... I'm getting a very Jamaican feel from this email so far. Wagwan. Yay! Right. I'm not doing the rest of it like that. Hello, I have a confession. Me and my ex used to do Airbnb.

I wasn't working at the time, so I used to keep the house clean and ready for guests and apply for jobs. We had a girl stay with us for a few nights. While cleaning the bedroom after her stay, I noticed she left some worn black satin underwear.

I gave them a cheeky lick while I had my morning spat. I told my ex that I found them and that I put them in the bin. I neglected to tell her that I had a taste. Do I deserve

any germane penance? Stop being weird, sniffy, licky, rapey fuckers. Taste, sniff, taste. Yeah, that's mad. Taste? A sniff?

I came out of nowhere, didn't I? Jamaican men don't eat pussy, so he definitely won a Jamaican guy. Is that the same as the Sopranos? They think it's gay? It's a real thing, bro. Do you know when the Sopranos, they think cunnilingus is gay?

Why? If you go down in a woman, you're fucking gay. Why? I love a bit of cunnilingus. Don? Why? Like if you go down in a woman you're fucking gay. Why? I love a bit of cunnilingus. Don't eat pussy. That's Italians and Jamaicans. But you eat ass.

Do you know what? I wish I hadn't looked at you straight in the eyes. Same question. What about the bum bum? What about the body? No. Oh come on. But do you subscribe?

Are you not going down on ladies? For me? Yeah. I do. All day. But it's a thing. you not going down on ladies? For me? I do. But it's a thing. It's like, you'll get shamed. You eat pussy. You eat pussy.

Menonia and pussy. That's how you should have read the email. That's how you should have read it. That's Tony Soprano. That's mad. That's like a generational thing. It's a generational thing. Do you remember that from the Sopranos?

I haven't seen it, sorry. It's a cultural thing. From the Jamaican Sopranos. They will never admit to eating pussy. Wild. You'll just never catch it that's mad yeah that's why i didn't know i didn't think italians and jamaicans had anything in common they do yeah italians only pussy either rampant homophobia yeah italians think it's gay to to go down on a lady my dick doesn't work i have to it's survival right that's

mad yeah I thought like that's quite I've heard of what up to speed on the black culture no okay what does this guy have to do

because that's bang out of order that what's the penance like fucking 20 you know you know what

we have to do can we can we get fucking on where's father old lady fucking on I think he has to get a poo transplant.

Oh, we can't afford it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking hell. Matt, get some geezers and shit in your asshole. Clean asshole. Nice, there. Matt, lick him. Dirty fuck.

So what? Who licks Nick? It's like you find, like, that's... Can we have... Next confession. Can we have some girl going, like, you know, I wank to be all men that are confessing it's we've got some very sniffy there you go women don't feel guilt they're evil witches see adam's not here but i'm staying out of this one the best confession we ever had by the way was um someone took a

don't look his aid when it's in multi-packs yeah they poked a hole in it and fucked it that's the best in the stock room in a shop do you mean that bit that you push your finger down and stretch it stretches and then you fuck that oh the hole in the plastic yeah yeah that's okay going in, but coming back is quite sharp. He fucked her. Come on, man. Don't look at me. It's not an all white people thing. That was a white person. I saw that fucking look.

That was a white person. Come on, bro. Stop fucking Lucas-ing. That weren't one of us. That weren't one of us. You're not going to find Jerome in the stock room fucking a Lucas-ing. That's just because you think Lucas aid's gay or something stupid. Benjamin.

That is weird. That is weird. Oh my God. You've got to do something big for that. That's really, because I think you're right. I think I would still be annoyed

and think it's creepy to have sniffed them. But sniffing is like a thing that people like do. You sniff pants. That's like, it's heard of. Lick. You licking? It's like, it's heard of. Lick.

You licking? It's not going to taste good, is it? No. It's bad stuff. I wouldn't even lick my own partner's knickers, let alone. Yeah, that'd be weird though. I definitely wouldn't lick mine. Not after the bedding.

No. Because women, women pants are like, girl, because it's just like, it goes on like a spin cycle or whatever. And then like, it's just like it goes on like a spin cycle or whatever and then like it does like you know like women do that like they like

their foofs spin and drain every so often what? like they have like an internal cleaning system where it's just every so often oh nice

excretions yeah I'm so glad we're ending on this well we've been ending on this judge this has been a gross one wonderful I'm so sorry this is honestly doing a pod with Mike Rice

for naughty like nine months has turned me into a fucking filth monger I was such a sweet boy he's fucking funny though he's a funny filth monger the penances what is the penance you gotta do laps of the garden

I think you've got to lick the next guy. No, the penances aren't go and admit to it. They're never, that's never the point of the confession. The confession is to confess to us. And then we make them do something. Yeah, go and just tell her and then say, I'll lick someone else's knickers. Fuck that.

Wear someone's knickers. No? I'll lick the next guy's knickers that stays there yes finn you have to have a good old lick and jeff's gusset they don't airbnb anymore start up airbnb again yeah lose loads of money like the other ones you have to lick my knickers because I'm not wiping oh god we need to do a little bit of a tour plug for you oh that'd be so cool my tour of the UK

and Ireland and then hopefully some more places on the earth will go on sale early October is when it goes on sale sale i'm going to loads of places that i've never heard of in england my english geography so bad so like the promoter was like why don't we go here and i'm like yeah cool and i always just think it's an hour at london but it's always so far away do you know how far away exeter is yeah yeah it's at the bottom

it's so bad but i don't know where anything is that'll be true for you there though do you think so yeah can we get loads of messages going why have you not come this way It's at the bottom. It's so bad. But I don't know where anything is. That'll be true for you there, though. You think so? Yeah. We get loads of messages going, why have you not come this way? Because it's just not England, really. It's fucking Spain.

Spain? What do you think, France? But yes, I'm on tour. Tickets will be VittorioAngeloni.com. Watch the special if you've never seen my stand-up before. I think it's good. I think you'll like them the new show is better than the old show as one would hope it would be forever

but yeah come along go and see the boy Vittorio is that a pod? 12th November for your ticket yes 12th November at Hot Water Comedy Club make sure you grab your tickets I'll be doing an hour at Blackstock Market Blackstock Market

don9girl.com for my tour tickets Make sure you grab your tickets. I'll be doing an hour. A black stock market. Black stock market. DanNightingale.com for my tour tickets. They're all selling out. Adam Rowe. What is it? What's Adam's? AdamRowe.com slash shows. There you go.

Go and see our Adam because it's going to be... Slash tour, not shows. AdamRowe.com slash tour. .co.uk slash tour. He's serious here. I've bought all of it. He's serious. I bought all. It's in the episode description. We've got a tune.

And what we got week is from a band called Northern hospitality. And this is their second single runaway like me, which isn't out for a week. So this is an exclusive play. So go and check it out when it comes out next week. All right. I love a bit of kind of lingus. That'll do.

See you. See you. Your shame's on display How did it work out this way? The signs were all there There if you could make it free This ship's set sail Gotta love the way you feel City sights across a blood red sky Will you ever learn to fly?

You are not alone, why live a life that you have known? One day you will see, you're just a mile away like me Wherever you roam, gotta find a new place to go One day you will see You're just a runaway Run away like me Another day, another worry When did life get so heavy?

Yet again, you've lost control How did you ever end up in this hole? You bear the wings, begin to unfold Thank you. I'll die here alone One day you will see You're just a runaway like me Wherever you go Gonna find a new place to call home One day you will see You're just a runaway Run away with me guitar solo

You are not alone What is the life that you have known? One day you will see You are just a runaway I need Wherever you roam You're gonna find a new place to call home One day you will see You are just a runaway

Runaway I need One day you will see You'll just run away Run away like me Thank you. you you