Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #253 with Ray Bradshaw - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: December 4, 2023

Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan's Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.ukComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, Sensei Carl's Big Fat Quiz and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsGet tickets for Finn's Liverpool gig: https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20Supreme CBD | https://supremecbd.ukStress less and sleep better with Supreme CBD using code WORD40 at checkout to get 40% off sitewideFüm | https://tryfum.co.ukHead to tryfum.com/HAVEAWORD and use code HAVEAWORD to save an additional 10% off your order today.BetterHelp | https://betterhelp.com/word10Get 10% off your first month!NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Become one of the lids:https://patreon.com/haveawordpodTickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comFind us everywhere:https://haveaword.pageDiscord:https://discord.gg/haveawordpodFollow the podcast, our hosts and our guest on social media:Have A Wordhttps://facebook.com/haveawordpodhttps://twitter.com/haveawordpodhttps://instagram.com/haveawordpodAdam Rowehttps://facebook.com/adamrowecomedianhttps://twitter.com/adamrowecomedyhttps://instagram.com/adamrowecomedianDan Nightingalehttps://facebook.com/danhasapodcasthttps://twitter.com/danhasapodcasthttps://instagram.com/danhasapodcastRay Bradshawhttps://twitter.com/comedyrayhttps://instagram.com/comedyrayADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Beth sy'n digwydd, Lyd? Mae fy sioe cyngor ar y M&S Bank Arena ar gael ar hyn o bryd, heb i chi edrych ar ni ar gael cyntaf, yn unrhyw fath mae'n mynd ar gael ar 10 amgylch, Sathrwydd 2nd, os ydych chi'n un o'r un cyhoeddus, mae'n ar gael ar hyn o bryd. Tichet i adamlow.co.uk a livenation.co.uk, hyd yn oed os ydych chi wedi gweld y sioe yn y to. Rwy'n siarad â chi, byddwch chi'n hoffi bod ar y sioe hon. Mae gen i dri agweddau cefnogi ac mae gen i mwy o gyflwynwyr arbennig y byddwch chi'n gweld yn ddiweddar. Guarantee you, you're going to want to be at this one. I've got three support acts and I've got more special guests that you'll never see coming. The 18th of May, next year, the M&S Bank Arena in Liverpool. We're going to blow the roof off.

Final night of the biggest tour of my life and I'm going to make it a very special one. You don't want to miss it. If you've seen the Havoware Arena show in December last year, I promise you this is going to blow it out of the water. I'll see you there. Go and get your tickets from adamrow.co.uk right now. What's happening, lads?

Before we start today's amazing episode, got to tell you about Adam Row's tour that is still on. It is still on. I've got some dates left this year and more dates into next year, and it's been extended as far as May next year. Some really big news coming soon. The big show left this year, Manchester Apollo,

on the 9th of December. There's still some tickets left up the back of the circle. Go and get them and come and be part of the biggest night of my career as a personal, as a solo artist so far. I'm very, very excited.

But there are dates all over the country and all over Ireland as well. adamrow.co.uk for all of your tickets. Now, this is the Have A Word podcast. I'm sure you're aware of that. But we have got the biggest and best Patreon in the UK

and one of the biggest on the planet. Why is it one of the biggest and best, Daniel? Because every week we do a Patreon exclusive, an hour, an hour and a half of just the lads talking shit, hyperbolics, the best podcasting we do, and that's only available on Patreon. £3 a month, £5 a month, or £10 a month. You can pick your tier, only available on patreon three pound a month five pound a month or ten pound a month you can pick your tier but even from just three quid a month

you get access to the extra episode every week you get early access to these public episodes and on top of that the big one the the piece de resistance for us is our monthly patreon specials the roast of adam and dan we've done two ghost hunts the amount of lock-ins we've done in here where we all get pissed there's nashville the ghost hunts the amount of lock-ins we've done in here where we all get pissed there's Nashville the ghost hunts oh my god there's so many are we up to about

25 plus now there's so many there's so much content there and you get it all immediately the second you sign up for three quid patreon.com

slash have a word pod pause the video go and sign up and then come back because this week's episode is a belt set wag wag leads you're listening to

the funniest podcast in the game from the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only Have A Word. Brought to you by Manscaped, the very best products on the market for below the waist grooming. Go, Ed, get on me. I've changed me ways. Again.

What ways have changed? Because we have to take these very seriously because this is the next two and a half weeks of our life. So I'm engaged. Are you, lads? I am engaged. Focus. Less than a minute.

Marriage or phone? Marriage. You can't have your phone engaged in this day and age. Go on. I woke up at 4am. I saw that because I was up at half five and I saw you were up at two minutes to six. Hang on.

No, hang on. This isn't... You're just excited. This isn't a change of your ways. You're just giddy. You're just a combination of like overstimulated, probably a little bit of residual hangover and excited. Well, it wouldn't be a residual hangover

because I did have six pints of Guinness and a large whiskey yesterday. That is like kids on Christmas going, mum, I've changed. I get up at 4am now every day. I'm a different man. No, but I enjoyed it. I liked being awake while the world was sleeping.

You know what I mean? I felt like I was getting stuff done. Do you know what I mean? Like everyone else is still asleep and I'm like hours ahead of them. Why did you wait two hours to do that Instagram post then? What? Why did you wait two hours to do the Instagram post?

I was busy getting ready, Carl. For two hours at 4am? He was just on the balcony. Just on his balcony going, you lazy cunts. I'm up. I was getting work done. I was writing.

As you know. The sketch won't be out by the time the episode is. Oh. Bloody hell. Bless you. I was up at half five

thinking I'm up early and then Adam beat me. Exactly. You're trying to get ahead and you're not at the hour and a half behind me. He's got up so early. He's now got hay fever.

He's fucking flying, this kid. He's converted to Islam. He's had a busy morning. It was cool, though. Like, just watching the world. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone else was, and I'm like, yeah, what?

Just watching the world. Albert Dogg. Yeah, I went for a walk around the docks, though. So tomorrow, 4am? Maybe. Do you know, if you get up at a.m you have to give up some evening and famously you quite like the nights but i'm buying my night in the morning aren't i no what i'll just go to the the to the club for the last two hours when i get up oh nice. That's a bold thing to say. Get to bed at six.

Have a good seven hour sleep. Get to Pogues for one. Fucking smart. The dream, by the way. Your breakfast, Adam. Usual for your brekkie. Two pints of Guinness. Do you reckon anyone's ever gone up a fort and just gone out?

I'm going to be the first. But genuinely, I really enjoyed it today. Have you done it? Yeah. Have you? I've had a normal night's sleep, got up, knowing my mates were at an after party,

got jealous and got a taxi there for eight in the morning. But then isn't your whole day ruined? No. I don't think you think about that when you're a pill-popping lunatic like Daniel was back in his year. No, no, no, actually. Did you stay a pill pop and lunatic like daniel was back in his year no no actually did you stay sober no i got on it but that's my whole like i just hung out with them and as they were flagging i was like i feel pretty good because i'd had a night's sleep

it's actually a weirdly a not bad way to do it i do sound like a crackhead but uh you do when you snip at the end of it, yeah? Yeah, that's because I'm ill. But yeah, I think I might start being a really early riser and just having some afternoon naps. Like Mark Wahlberg. He gets up at half three. No, he doesn't get up at half three, he just doesn't go to bed.

No, he does. No, he does, he goes to bed. No, half three is too early for that. That's still yesterday. He goes to bed. It is! Four, isn't it? Four is tomorrow, yeah.

It's not yesterday if you've been in bed for six hours, though. No, it is, though. It's yesterday until four o'clock. I think it's four. Possibly five. If you can follow this chat, you're doing really well. I know exactly what I mean. If you have a six-hour afternoon nap, is it tomorrow?

No. No, it's not. If you go to bed at nine o'clock and wake up at three, is it still yesterday? No, it's not tomorrow yet. I mean, legally, it's not. I think they're bed at nine o'clock and wake up at three it's the same it's not tomorrow yeah i mean legally it's not i think they're right four o'clock is the call of a new day midnight is i mean famously it's definitely not no but it's not midnight is it what it's it's not midnight if you went to bed at 7 p.m and woke up at one is it tomorrow see you tomorrow yeah if you're texting and you go and see you tomorrow at half twelve if you're on a night out and you're out at 1am

you're still on that night out aren't you yeah it's four bell four it could be five but you know depends on the time of the year

split the difference yeah I know what you mean quarter to five oh you've won me over I hate when you cunts win me over like this yeah I get 4am is tomorrow

3.59 is today ah yeah 4am is very late 5 a.m is very early somewhere around there yeah baby 4 42 a.m so mark walpole doesn't get up he just never goes to bed i've got his nobody gets it he gets up and goes for a workout i remember reading it a couple of years ago let's do more schedule he wakes up... What time does he go to bed? Half seven. He wakes up at 2.30, sorry. Prayer time at 2.45. Breakfast at quarter...

I'm sorry, what? Prayer time at quarter to three. Half an hour's prayer? Why can't he just let God have a night's sleep? Breakfast at quarter past three. Then a workout at 20 to four. Yeah. Then...

I thought we'll go to the gym at 4am. Right, can we just do Mark Warburg ADHD and then a meal at 5.30am 5.30am meal 6am shower

shout out to Gary Dilley here's where you're going to like it Adam 7.30 golf snack at 8 snack last half an hour

by the way he hasn't seen his kids since 1998. He's not asked about that. Because he's praying at quarter to three and he's golfing at fucking half seven. Straight from golfing to cryo recovery at half nine. Crying. Crying.

Half ten snack again. Family time snack at 11. He's having hours worth of snacks. Daddy! Daddy, we haven't seen for so long. Shut up. Lunch at 1pm. Snack at 3pm.

Workout 2 at 4pm. That was an hour snack that one. It was. My man does three hours worth of snacking in a day and goes, I go to bed at 20 past 7. You're not so snacking for three hours, you soft cunt. What's the honour about? Workout number 2 at 4.

Shower at 5. Dinner at half 6. Bed by half seven. Wow. When's he filming films? Mark, we want to pay you $25 million to be in this blockbuster. He's like, well, if you can fit it around my snacks schedule,

good for you. Didn't he used to be a bad man? Yeah. Yeah. Marky Mark. Bad, bad man. Didn't he go to Nick Low? Hang on.

What's bad man? A bad racist man. Yeah, he's a racist man. Here we are. Didn't he go to Nick Lowes? Hang on. What's bad man? A bad racist man. Yeah, he's a racist man. Here we are. Assault. Was he in prison for assault? Yeah. I'm a racist man.

He battered somebody. Marky Mark. Oh, mate. He just got in the way of his snack time. I mean, they knew it was coming. America loves a story like that, though. Like a bad man gone good. A redemption.

A bad man gone good. redemption a bad man bad man gone good it's only Liverpool apparently because like everyone who's famous in Liverpool now who isn't a comedian or a musician is just someone who's murdered

so many people and now does podcasts what? there's loads of like gangsters hosts no two on the nose then

yes murdered loads of people and never told the podcast partner about it for four years. But you should have read the signs. I went to the school murder high. That was one of the years

in a year, you know, I grew up, killed 45 people. And now I didn't go to school. It was just what I had to do. I had to blow people's heads off for big Jimmy.

Jimmy was like, go and blow his head off. And I didn't know any better. I just blew his head off. I did my time in prison. And now, choose a life now. Just to wake up and do an eight ball of cocaine at 7am.

Fuck snack time. That was my snack time. Used to pray on cocaine. That was every day. And now, I do ultra marathons. Shock. You know, climb Mo Farah and fucking talk to Chris. Climb Mo Farah.

I've never got over that. Anyone want to join me on my 4am journey? No. No, if I've had a baby. If I'm still up, if I'm still up, I will. You'll stay awake for a bit. No, you could, like,

you'll like it though. Get up. How much sleep are you getting though? What time are you going to bed? I was in bed by half ten. So I've had like five hours of sleep. You're in a deficit. You missed the end of the day, though.

You're in a deficit, though. And I'll have a nap in a bit. Ah! After me and Les have done our video. Napping in the day is a good way to live. It really is. Yeah. I don't know why you're telling it to me like it's news.

I fucking love a nap. Do you get a nap, though? Yeah, but prayer and snack time gets in my way. You know what I mean? Family snack time. Yeah, fuck family snack time. I can snack on my own. What time do you go to bed?

I go to bed. What time do you go, I'm going to sleep now? If we're not in, it's like three, half three. That's so wild. That used to be me and now I'm looking back like, how? What, going to sleep that late? Going to sleep at 3.30. Yeah. Yeah, I had a great nap yesterday i got really stressed

with all the work stuff and just had a lovely little nap did you just have a shutdown yeah i just i just needed to turn off for half an hour and i did it just got on the couch and had a lovely little nap at yours or here at mine because everyone came to mine to film a sketch and then we realized we couldn't so I had to kick everyone out. So I have an app. That's a phenomenal way to deal with stress, isn't it? This is awful. I'm not going to have a lie down.

That is depression. What's your sleep schedule? Left to my own devices, not on tour. Yeah, you're like a regular guy. I am pulling my pod by half past eight in the evening. It's absolutely phenomenal. You're on bed at half eight half eight wank yeah I'm famously

question time's not even on yet peak practice obviously I wake up for question time that's my snack you're mad you've not so many things happen

at like ten o'clock everything happens loads of it's half time in the Champions League. Loads of stuff happens. Loads of stuff happens and I have to be part of it

a lot of the time but if I'm left to my own devices I do like to be asleep by 9.30. On the 25th of May 2005 you were wanking

when Liverpool were 3-0 down and you didn't even know until the next day what had gone on. I mean I was watching the game with my mate. Why were you wanking when Liverpool were 3-0 down and you didn't even know till the next day what had gone on? I mean I was watching the game with my mate. Why were you

wanking? Do you know we got a fucking boss takeaway that night? For some reason I remember the most amazing comeback in Istanbul and me

ordering about 27 quid of fucking takeaway. 27 quid? Calm down. Back then? Yeah 2005. That's a lot.

That's a Henry VIII. Could buy a three bedroom house for 27 quid. Hang on. So you're in bed at half an hour. What time are you getting up? What time are you getting out of your bed? 6.30, 7. That's a big sleep.

Get out of your sleep. Two and a half hour deficit on my work day. Just lend some of him. Yeah. A nine-hour kick. I had a big wank last night. Did you? Yeah.

Got into it. Are you lube every time, by the way? I was raw-dogging last night. Was you? Yeah, got into it. Are you lube every time, by the way? I was raw dogging last night. Was you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got it in my head that the, I don't know where the lube goes. You know what I mean?

It soaks in. It's a semi-permeable membrane. Oh, that's not a Vauxhall Corsa. I'm a bit worried that it's, I'm just building up a very lubey bed. One day I'll just slide right out. No, it goes into your cock, doesn't it? Your cock will soak it up like a sponge.

I've just told you that. Semi-permeable. So the lube's in me? You've got the lube in you. How does the lube come out? Because I'm about 8% lube right now. It's just like moisturiser, isn't it? Right.

Your body just takes what it needs. Also, you wash your cock in the shower, don't you? So a lot of it just gets washed off. When you put sun cream on, are you going, where's the sun cream going? On my cock. Imagine sun cream in your cock. I think, yeah, you'd have to.

If you're on a nudist beach, you'd have to. My dick hasn't seen the sun since fucking North Wales, 1998. Dan, that's when I was born in North Wales. What are you doing? I got my dick out. Celebrate. Yeah.

I think you'd need a sun cream on your penis if it saw the sun. Do you reckon that's why cocks are darker than the rest of you? So that they always look like they've been on holiday when you get back from out there to bed like but like genuinely like if i got my like if i'd been in spain for a week and i got my cock out everyone would just be like that's his color can you google why are willies dark is it just because there's there's quite a lot of giving them saggy it's one of the only bits of skin where

like, you know, every other bit of skin is usually just like, I cover this bit of skin and it's like body and it's the same size. But there's a lot of give in your penis, isn't there? There is, yeah. So maybe it's dark when it's small. So, due to the sex hormones and extra testosterone that

stimulate the production of melanin, the brown pigment shows. So it's because your cock's working harder stimulate the production of melanin. The brown pigment shows. So it's because your cock's working harder than the rest of your body. This is why nipples... Because your dick's so manly, it's black. Yeah, and that's why some nipples are darker than others. Why? Because you...

Because you've got extra melanin in it. Extra melanin in it? Extra melanin. I've got quite pink nipples, me. I haven't got them dark. Me, I haven't got no dark. You've got pink nipples! I've got Anglo-Saxon nips.

What are you doing with Anglo-Saxon nips? I thought you had Spaniarders. Absolute omelettes for fucking Nippons. I'm not sure I've got pink nipples. Right. No, they're not. They're darker. They're darkish.

Have you got a brown old nippy I had an inside out nipple when I was a kid I have no idea why well I just told you breath do you mean your belly button thing no

mummy my inside out nipple what do you mean you had an inside out and heart I've got an inside out dick did you get it did you get it belly button

I'm getting me fluff out during like sexy puberty it just kind of went I've got an inside out dick I'm getting me fluff out during like puberty it just kind of went like that you've got a gay nipple what do you mean it was inside out do you mean it was an innie and now it's an outie

like concave it was a nervous nipple like if I was cold it would come out but when it was warm if it was really horny it would out. But when it was warm, it would just... If it was really horny. It would just be inside out. You could pick up S4C. It's not now.

Did you know? A lot of people have like any nips, don't they? Yeah, but not usually one. Not women. What? Women all have fucking bastards, don't they? Fussy studs. Apart from the flying saucers.

Are they? They're like the suffragettes, aren't they? The big ones. Oh, the nipples. The group of women. Yeah, they're not the... We're the flying saucers. We want alien equality.

I thought I had breast cancer for a while. Because a symptom of breast cancer in men is permanently erect nipples, and that's what I've had breast cancer for a while. Because a symptom of breast cancer in men is permanently erect nipples, and that's what I've got. Well, right now you've got two erect nipples. Why do you think I've always got jumpers on? He's literally, middle of winter, got them out in a hospital going,

I've got breast cancer. These are fucking hard as rocks. What are you doing? Are you getting tipped out? I'm taking my top off so you can see my nipples through my shirt. Here we go. Oh, God. Yeah, Dan. Here we go.

Oh, God. Nailed it. Oh, you can hang a duffel coat off them. Wow. Permanently. Where? What do you mean, where? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You cut glass? Oh, they're not that hard. Are you fucking joking? Don't get offended. How hard are those nipples this side of Kansas, mate? What are you talking about? This side of Kansas. Obviously, west of Kansas.

That's pretty hard, those nips. Those California nipples this side of Kansas, mate? What are you talking about? This side of Kansas. Obviously, west of Kansas. That's pretty hard, those nips. Those California nipples. Right. So just talk me through it. Do a little bit of nipple play. Your health anxiety... Never make eye contact with me when you say stuff like that. And your health anxiety got you to the point where you're like,

why are these nipples so hard? Well, I just Googled it. My nipples are constantly erect. What does that mean? You know, like when you Google your dreams. so hard? Well, I just Googled it. My nipples are constantly a wreck. What does that mean? You know, like when you Google your dreams. And it went male breast cancer? Yeah. Cool.

Can you get male breast cancer? Yeah. Yeah, of course you can. It's just Angelina Jolie, mate. We have it as well. She had male breast cancer? No. You can get cancer of anything.

I thought she had toenail cancer. I know she famously didn't have breast cancer. She got it cut out before she could have possibly got it. That's why she had the mastectomy. No, I think she had a scare with it. And then was like, I'll just cut my tits off. No, I think you can get tested for the gene. Yeah.

You can. So she knew she was high risk. She walked in with a pair of jeans on and went, get your tits off. You can. So she knew she was high risk. She walked in with a pair of jeans on and get your tits off. Now I think she cut it off as a precaution rather than a cure. Both of them.

Right. Double mastectomy. My mum had a mastectomy. A little too late. That's a good podcast. She did die of cancer. But she got fake boobs. Did your mum get breast cancer?

Yeah. Did she? Yeah. Did your mum get breast cancer? Yeah. Did she have? Did your mum get breast cancer of the podcast? No, my mum had a mastectomy. The spin-off part. She had fake boobs. We got to... I threw them around. There's nothing quite

like... Playing with your mum's hands. I'm telling you the cold the cold almost reassuring feel of putting your mom's fake boob on your forehead it's a nice feeling just have you seen that trend of throwing cheese on babies it's very like that except there's an underlying sadness you know because cheese is quite joyous but faked it's essentially quite sad so if you throw cheese on a crying baby the baby will stop crying what kind of cheese massive wheel of camembert i'm gonna bake this camembert wait like an american slice of cheese

baby you just chuck it on a baby's head i think i would as well no but they don't cry do you know yeah because if you because if you throw like a right they'll cry but if you throw a piece of cheese you can throw a duvet over them as well you'd stop no not necessarily it's just they're like what oh it's cheese only it's just a weird literally cheese only it's because it's light doesn't hurt the smell and the fact it's cold they're like cheese oh cold... It doesn't work with warm cheese. If you were... They're like, ah, sticky. Get it off.

You can't just... Babies as well. Cheese, ooh, cold. Yeah, you can't just put, like, a camembert drizzle on it. It's like, no, what are you doing here? It's too hot.

Cheese, ooh, hot. There you go. There's some advice. Your baby's crying, throw cheese on it. If your mum's got breast cancer, put a tit on your face. No,

I never, she only ever won one. I just went one omni-tit. Right, when I didn't, I stopped crying. Did she know you were doing it? No,

I didn't do it around the dinner table. It was just one of them things. Did you ever do keep you up to date? By the way, tell me, you go upstairs and your mum's tits out on the sideboard.

You aren't flopping that on your forehead. My mum's an alcoholic. I tits with hers all the time. Hanson, get me tits off your forehead. No, mum. It's reassuring.

And I was crying my phone. You're the weirdo. I used to be like, mum, put your tits away. There's people here. Oh, there's people in. They need to help. They're from a bra shop.

Would you get a fake dick? What? Have your dick fell off? I need dick technology to make some advances. Do you know what I mean? I don't think we're there with the way we need to be.

There's no dick technology, is there? Really? Viagra? No, I mean actual... Cyborg dicks're there with where we need to be. There's no dick technology, is there? Really? Viagra? No, I mean actual... Excitebug dicks. Get a new one. Oh, I need...

Like, yeah. If this keeps making money, I'm going to be a 70-year-old with a massive weapon. Do you reckon it'd be a faux pas? You know the way, like if a woman's got itty-bitty titties,

if they're part of the itty-bitty titty committee, as Alfie Brown would say, they get jugs, don't they, they get like fake jugs, not just like cancer patients but like women with tiny tits can get a boob job did you know that? Amazing, thanks for explaining

that in such weird detail do you know boobs, boob jobs yeah, no, no titty bitty titty, not cancer they always get, all of them none of them suffer through small tits. No, some of them do. Yeah, they do.

They're the OGs. Absolutely. But a lot of women want jugs. And if they haven't got any, they can buy them. And men are like, go ahead. Do you know what I mean? Like, if your partner's never had jugs and she was like, I'm getting some jugs,

you wouldn't be like, don't get jugs. That'll knock me sick. You'd be like, go ahead, get some jugs. Do you reckon if you had a micropenis, imagine that. Imagine if there was like, I'm getting some jugs. You wouldn't be like, don't get jugs. That'll knock me sick. You'd be like, go ahead, get some jugs. Do you reckon if you had a micropenis, imagine that. Imagine if there was like a cock surgery where you could get an absolute wound bruiser. Do you reckon like Laura would be like, go and get a fucking broom dick?

Or do you reckon she'd be like, no, I like you little maggot. Yeah. I mean, it's a, I'd have to get a, yeah. You can't just go and do it as a surprise, can you? You can't come back and be like, babe, guess what I've done? You know you said it's a surprise for Christmas.

I've got an eight-inch cock. It's a Peruvian miner's dick. He died in an accident. Oh, you get a kid's dick? What? You got one of them? It's a child... I've got the dick of a child Peruvian that sounds small though why are you only going 8 inches as well if you're getting a new one

go fucking like Danny D no because most women would be scared of that I'd only be able to turn a telly off from like downstairs I truly believe and that's what you want a big dick for innit women like average penises and I genuinely believe that they all talk and that's what they keep telling you that's nice of them

just keep lying to us guys no I like it, I like room for a sideboard to be fair I do get it would you want a big dick in you? no? it's like a big poo in its head I do enjoy that the big poo in its head you enjoy

I did an absolute call in the cat's belly yesterday um i honestly think i've lengthwise height the height of my dick i'm i'm i don't think i'm far off what i need to be but i could definitely do with a bit of girthage oh i think so i think so my my wife is you know knocking on 40 things have happened don't they you know i reckon a little bit of girth-arge. Fill up the room. I think like eight and a half and a big girthy is every woman's dream. I think you could even go down to six or seven

and I think they'd be happy. Every woman's dream. Every woman's dream. Even the little ones. Let me just Google my dream. Eight and a half and girthy. What the fuck am I doing with this? What does this mean?

You're enjoying a big dick love web.md how um when I got circumcised when I was seven I uh I was it was pretty wanking

so I didn't have to worry about that my dad got circumcised when he was 19 and said it was the worst ordeal of his life. You basically can't touch your dick for two months. Imagine how much you'd like wanking if you hadn't been circumcised. It's well better. Oh yeah, I hate it.

I wish I enjoyed it more. I remember the first time. I just don't know how you could do... I don't know how... I thought I broke it because I'd never pulled my skin back before. But then as I got excited towards the end, I pulled it back and my bell hand come out

and I was like, I broke my knob. What's this? What? Did it not feel nice though? No, it felt nice, but nothing came out. I just got the jelly legs. Oh, it was just a... You got the jelly legs?

I don't cum the first couple of times around. Fucking Bruce Grobbler. Yeah. Jersey Duda in 2005, actually. Jersey Duder. But I... You Duder? Because I'd never seen me bellend before

and I'd never seen anyone's cock. Just your mum's tits? Weird upbringing. Go on. Hang on. Take that back. Not that weird. I genuinely... If you see more dicks than your mum's tits, it's a weird upbringing. I on. Hang on. Take that back. Not that weird. If you see more dicks than your mum's dicks,

it's a weird upbringing. I'll give you that. I genuinely remember the first time I saw my bellend. I remember. Yeah. Running upstairs. Running upstairs? Yeah.

What? Into a mirror? What? No one asked me what it was. Oh. Oh, you didn't see it while you were running. That's a big dick, isn't it? It's so big it's coming upstairs.

Defying gravity. I remember going, mum, what's this? And she was like, oh. And she was like, don's so big it's coming at you upstairs. Defying gravity. Mum was like, don't worry it's just your body. She didn't say it like that. That's your massive cock. She should bell in that lad. No, she went, don't worry all men have got them, it's normal. I was like, okay. Sorry, how old were you?

Obviously young. How old? You sound like you're about eight. Mummy, what's this? Honestly, this has been annoying me for a while. I know I'm eight. What's this? Are you pissing for me?

No, I knew what my... I knew what my willy was. Oh, right, sorry, sorry. But the first time I saw my bellend... When you had the pullback? Yeah, he did that. The very first pullback and reveal. I was like, mum, what's that?

And she went, don't worry, it's normal. Don't worry about it. I remember that was on the landing in my house. I remember it so vividly. Wow, I was robbed of that. You couldn't not see yours? Couldn't not see it, because at seven years old, I got taken for my dick being chopped off.

I had my reduction about then. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We got it done, I got my dick being chopped off i had my reduction about then yeah yeah yeah we got we got it done i got my dick shortened on booper my dad my dad's work had health insurance it's the only time we ever nothing in our whole childhood was paid for by booper like we never it must have been for like two or three years and it just so happened that me getting circumcised was on we went private Tory dick a little Tory dick no one explains

what was happening by the way just take you in just put you under you're like what's happening you're like I have an operation

alright stupid enough to be like cool let's see how this pans out woke up you didn't say where the operation was I can't remember

in Ribbleton I can't remember where you're getting your ears pierced today, Daniel. Why don't you just trust your parents? You're going in for an operation. I'd go, why am I getting an operation? I'm way.

Yeah, I would have as well. No, I've not even signed a consent form. No, you didn't even know what your dick was at seven. What? At seven? I know seven-year-olds. Wow. Wow.

And they're quite switched on If I went You're getting You're going to the hospital For surgery They go Why? Then we're like

Let's go Oh it's on my dick Honestly I can't remember Having that conversation You must have though Did we? Yeah

You must have Are you sure? Hospital's a big thing A seven year old is sentient You would know I mean A one year old's sentient? You would know. I mean, a one-year-old's sentient. No, but you know what I mean?

You're capable of critical thinking at seven years old and you weren't stupid, were you? You'd have been like, why am I getting me knob out, mum? I think basically mum went, look, come with me. We're going to a private hospital. There's full fat pop. And I was like, I'm in. Full fat? Is that all the talk to get you anywhere?

Yeah. Take your pants off with the man in that room. He's got full fat pop, Daniel. That was a game of Christmas. Why am I getting my knob up, mum? Do we need the piss? No. Oh, Dan's going to play his little game.

Why am I getting my knob up? Why is it up this time? Show your dad your new dick. When you wake up this time? Show your nan your new dick. When you wake up from it. Shut your nan up. Go on. Your nan has to see your new dick. That was the best one in the shop.

You would get your dick out if you had a new dick, wouldn't you? Yeah. Not in front of me. She's passed now, but not in front of my alive nan. No, not for your nan. No. Not even if she asked. Even if she paid for it.

I want to see it. It's 20 quid, get your knob out. I'm sick. Listen, I put some money aside. I'm going to give it to you now instead of when I pass.

What are you spending it on? A new dick. If I got my knob done and I had an absolute fucking wart, I would immediately come in here and show yous all. A genital wart? You'd want to see it? Yeah, absolutely. If only you'd seen your dick, then I'd want to see it. 100%. You'd want to see my prosthetic penis. After lunch or before? After the fact, though, like after the two weeks. Healing?

Healing. I don't want to see like the... Two weeks? Oscar piss Storius. He's got no legs. I sort of... Do you always get me leased now? On a... Someone set the card. Two weeks. Oscar Pistorius. He's got no legs. Joey's getting released now. But someone said he can't. Yeah, if I get a new dick, I'm showing everyone. Oscar Pistorius. He's getting released. And now, Current Affairs. Joey's getting released in January and someone said,

but he can't. Tag him. He'll just take his legs off and go home. He's been sat there for six days I think he just misunderstood her When she said blow me back out Oh lad In the toilet through the door It's just an Oscar Vistoria joke

That I just brought up He's a bad man innit How many pull-ups has he done? He's done better pull-ups hasn't he? He's just been in prison for fucking seven and a half years. Easier as well. He was on house arrest, wasn't he? He had most of it, though.

What? He saved most of it in his own house. How did he get house arrest? Because he's very rich. He got found not guilty first. South Africa, mate. And then got found guilty. Because they were like, hang on, someone shot her.

And you were the only one there. And he was like, oh. I know, but I think he even got me legs on. That was part of his excuse. Yeah, because the angle of the bullets going through, he was like oh I know but I think he even got me legs on that was part of his excuse yeah because like the angle of the bullets going through he was like

I couldn't have shot at that angle he thought someone was in the toilet robbing his house with the door locked coming for that telly in a minute

shine for the shite don't put your legs on you'd love to hear the level of argument that it takes to shoot your missus with a shotgun through a fucking bathroom door. I think he plumbed her. Why, though?

I don't really know the relationship. Babe, Oscar, I'm just going for a shit. Right. Yeah, all right. Enjoy. Fucking... I think it's an argument. I think it's premeditated. I think it's an argument.

She slams the door. No. Yeah. I think it's premeditated I think it's an argument she slams the door no yeah I think it's premeditated and his story was like oh I didn't I thought it was an intruder it was

too much of an easy story for him to try and get away with it was an intruder doing his shit and and that was the Oscars Pistorius story

what was she called? Reva Steenkamp Reva Steenkamp sounds like a great rugby player and this episode is in tribute to her yeah RIP Rita Riva Riva and Dan's mum i felt sad then i just realized i wanted to make another joke right oh i miss my mom what's on your mind dan what have you just realized a penny has just dropped in your head what i've had a dream about someone having two dicks was it me when you said oh we're going to because i me and finn are going to go to nando's i was like oh finn get here with your two dicks.

I made a joke, yeah. And then it's literally triggered something. I've had a joke about, I've had a dream about someone having two dicks. Who's the person? I don't know. You looked at me very intently there. Is it someone we work with?

I don't know. Yes, you do. You're lying. I'm not, I promise you I'm not. What was the dream? Just like, what did you do with them? Oh, you were somewhere else. Oh, yeah, of course.

It's not a dick in my dream that I don't suck on. I'm not gay in my dreams, are we? You can't be gay in your dreams. You can't be gay in your dreams? No. Everyone dreams about getting bummed occasionally. It's not gay. It's your dreams.

I don't dream about it. Why did you say it like that? It's just a fact. No, but you said it with the cadence of... Come and see me on tour. But I meditate about it. I don't dream about it. If I remember who had two dicks.

Ken Dodd. I'm going to need some more beetroots quite soon. Don't give up e-cigarettes. Or... No, don't start. Yeah, right. Okay, so if you've started, don't give them up. Just smoke them until you die.

Do you know that his father's having like 500 fags in your mouth? That's awful. Like one little pipe has the same as 500 fags. Different dream. It's 36 cigarettes. I only need one fag. Like a tiny... Like one puff. only he's one fag like a time like one puff one puff he calls one fag yep finn have you got any questions because i like my job we've got we haven't done

it for a while we've got some pet peeves we've not done it for ages so yeah i mean we haven't we haven't done it you're right for so long you're absolute yeah i'm so right aren't i you are so right we haven't done it for so long yeah but it's been taken off the soundboard has it actually i'll do it in real time oh no no no that doesn't have to my head in absolutely right first one's from millie um when you're having a conversation with someone while i've placed it was pissed off that it was a girl no it wasn't you just pissed off his pet peeves we haven't done it for ages i like women i know you do yeah uh so millie says yeah millie says when you're having a conversation and adam keeps talking yeah when you have a conversation with someone whilst a plate of biscuits is making its way around a room and you're not

allowed to acknowledge the biscuits until they get to you so you have to pretend you're still interested in conversation until the biscuits get to you you have to act surprised to go oh biscuits never happens on my life ever millie though the level of observation is almost sean walsh like that sounded like a sean walsh bit i honestly if i'm stood talking to someone and i fancy a biscuit i'm looking at the biscuit and be like i'm gonna have a biscuit in a bit yeah i miss nana as well but then biscuits look fucking great that is a funeral in it that sounds like a funeral yeah there's always no christmas that sounds like christmas to me the family around the new biscuits are getting passed round.

Oh yeah, I know what you mean. Pass round? A funeral? You put it on the table? You put it on the table? Oh, come on. You go back somewhere for a bit of a week, there's biscuits being passed round.

Who's carrying them round? Pass round? What are you on about? There's just a buffet, isn't there? No. Oh my God, it's the biscuit man. We don't hire a biscuit man. Everywhere but Liverpool's weird.

You know, everyone's lives are mad. No one in Liverpool has ever passed biscuits around in the history of biscuits. I can speak with authority because I know Liverpool and I know biscuits. If you have ever passed a biscuit around, isn't a thing.

The biscuits around the table help you sell a biscuit. There's biscuits here. Who's going, I'll just do laps in the old party. Can you pass me a biscuit? Are you even a scouter? Leave this city. You fucking liar.

You fucking biscuit-eating wall cunt. Get out of my city. Dan, if I brought biscuits in and instead of putting them on the table, I was like, wait. You wouldn't. You're the least biscuit-passing motherfucker Dan, if I brought biscuits in, and instead of putting them on the table, I was like... Shut the fuck up! Huh? Ba-ba-ba-ba! Wait!

You wouldn't! You're the least biscuit-passing motherfucker I've ever met! It's not one person passing them around. It's like, you have them, pass them to me. Pass the dutchie! You have the biscuits, you say what you want, and you put them on the table! What the fuck? You pass them to Dan!

We got cakes yesterday! I want to be arguing this much about biscuits? It's so stupid. It's so stupid. There's so much going on in the world. And we're like, yeah, yeah, that's sad. What about biscuits? I'm liking that, lads.

No one passes biscuits around. It's mental. Not in Liverpool. You just have a Buffy. You have a Buffy. And when the Buffy's open. The Buffy? Buffy the fucking biscuits layer?

What happens if you're like seven? What happens if you're seven away and there's only four of your biscuit left? Are you just going, I won't have that. I just go over and I won't have that one. Ooh, stand up. Aggressive.

Oh, I would. To be impressed, I won it. It's a biscuit. Yeah, you gig impressed the fucking biscuits. That's fucking brilliant. If my biscuit of choice

is in a limit, if there's a timeout going and there's only four of them but there's 15 people in the way. Hey, everyone, are you having a really interesting conversation with me, are you?

Yeah, well, you can shut the fuck up. It's timeout time, bitch. Shh. For you. So you get timeout. I'm having a timeout. Adam just walks in.

Oh, Adam, thanks for making it. Shut the fuck up. Where are the biscuits? These are mine. This is my pile. No one touch this Shut the fuck up. Where are the biscuits? These are mine. This is my pile. No one touch this on the buffy. Nice. That's Adam's pile.

No one touch it. And I am not moving. So are you just going, oh, I could have had that biscuit, but, you know, I had to wait the carousel. Can you conceive that in the history of biscuits,

there has been some... Conceive? No, it's conceived. Have a baby, and then listen. Can you have kids the genuine anger I can't believe you were waiting up

the biscuit no but I love it when you two side on these things you're like no one has ever sat around and had biscuits

passed to them it's fucking stupid it's so stupid who doesn't just have a pile of biscuits in sat around and had biscuits passed to them. It's fucking stupid. It's so stupid. Who doesn't just have a pile of biscuits in the corner and then just fucking attack them like a trough? That's Christmas and a funeral and a bar mitzvah in Liverpool. A table? A what?

When your nan puts a spread on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gets her tits out. You go to your nan's house. You go straight up to your nan's house. You go to your nan's house. She's just up there. Come on! Get on my fucking biscuits.

No, when you go and she puts a spread on, she doesn't carry them round the room. Your dad's got a fanny like a pack of broken digestive. Have a go on my jammy dodges. Fuck it. Fuck it. Yeah, once it. Oh, fuck it. Now once you think it, you say it. Also, nans have lost their jam,

haven't they, famously? Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh. Oh. I'm out! How have we gone from biscuits to menstruating? Original wagon wheel she is. You like the creamy stuff. Oh.

You like the creamy stuff? Oh God. Shall we have a break? Seven minutes. That's it. Oh God. So yeah, Millie's annoyed that she gets past biscuits. By the way, I really like the way Millie thinks. I agree.

I don't suffer any of the social anxiety that she seems to suffer from. If I want a biscuit, I'll be like, if there's biscuits coming around, I'll be like, I'm going to have a biscuit. The thing is, I understand the grander scheme of what she's talking about, so if I'm having a conversation with you, but there's something else in the room that has caught my attention,

do you know what I'm really good at now? Because for years I've just looked through the back of someone's head being like, in her situation there's biscuits being passed around. I'm really good. Now I'm going, hey, Finn, I'm going to be honest with you. I'm not listening because there's biscuits being passed around. I just won't lie to people anymore.

I'll just be like, hey, I know what you're doing, but the Buffy's open. If I'm talking to you and the Buffy opens, I will end. There's nothing. You'll be going, yeah, I've just cured cancer today, me and the team. We've just researched everything. In fact, I'll be like, yeah, yeah, yeah cured cancer today, me and the team. You know, we've just researched everything. In fact, I'd be like, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a chicken curry over there

that's going to be in limited supply any minute now. I'll see you in a minute. Question, what function is this that you're at? Someone has just cured cancer. They're like, you know what we need? A buffy. It's celebrating them curing cancer. All right, yeah, cool.

I think a similar one. The Millen's HQ, we've got a curry on. Oh, they're not curing it. They're taking too much money on it. Oh, yeah, all right. A similar one would be like when you're at a fancier occasion and there's like canopies getting passed around. The old canopies.

Yeah. And you're like, oh. No, but you have to wait for the canopies. I think you can't approach the canopies. No, but I'm saying that is in the back of your mind, isn't it? You can't walk straight in. You've seen them. You've called McAlealy, scanned them over there.

Yeah. Oh, McAlealy. Reading the game. Nice. and then just two foot is over yeah yeah right uh next one from jono muse don't want to it's nice not worried about what people think of you in it it's a nice point to get to where you're like i'm just gonna be honest i'm not listening anymore because there's biscuits and not having to worry about what will they think of me it's just that's a nice spot to get to and that's what millie's not got to she's still worried about what that person's thinking if she sees the person clocking their fucking biscuit she's like oh god that's great when you go i don't care what you think i like biscuits so johnny muse says don't want to sound nasty but old people using contactless just in general i had never seen it i've never seen it

either as a problem I have no idea. No, no, but I could see it being annoying, but I've never seen an old person using contactless. No, I have, and it's great, because otherwise they're there with fucking bags of change. Oh, I've been saving this for a fucking rainy day, but anyway, it's sugar. Does my head in when they're paying with change?

Or contactless. Whiskey Dan's son's birthday is my pin code seven. Seven? Pin code seven. If they're born the 7th of July. Nice. Okay. Capple Pow.

Wag Wag Lids. Hey. What's his name? Capple Pow. It's been a while. Up there with Preed of Mystery as some of my favourite names on the podcast. Wag Wag Lids, pet peeve for you.

When you're using a public toilet and there's an odd number of urinals and someone chooses to use one of the even numbered ones, especially when there's only three, meaning you are forced to stand next to them. Yeah. Just blow their head off. Just absolutely ask up a story.

Shoot them in the toilet. If there's options and someone comes in to piss next year, it's illegal. I wouldn't care. Do your job. Look forward. Piss, think of England. Now, it's a yellow card.

If, here's my question to you, you walk into a man's bathroom Thank you for specifying. You sex. You're in a pub, right? You go into a men's toilet. thank you for specifying you sex you're in a pub right you go into a men's toilet the old fucking rascal and packet

what's it called wagon and rascal you're in the wagon and rascal you're having a few booners you go into the men's toilets the cubicle has got someone in and there are three urinals the one on the left and the one on the right are occupied by men pissing but the one in the middle is free do you wait for one of the men to finish

or do you go right into the middle of them and use the only available urinal oh i can't take only available it's yeah it's a bunch of a piss indeed oh i also i get in my head that i don't want anyone thinking like oh he's scared to get his dick out. I just have to face it. I would take that one. I would take that one. If I was on the left one and two were free and then someone came into the middle one, I'd be like, dude, what are we doing?

Take the right. I'd piss in the sink. Fuck off. I'd piss in the sink first. I use any available at the match. Oh, yeah. At a festival or something, you just go for it. Any available at the match,

just go and use it. But if I'm in a pub, I'll be honest with you, I would wait for one of the two wings to be available if the middle one was free. Can I add an addendum? If it's the summer and I'm wearing shorts,

I will not use urinals because I have had trickle splash on my legs. And that is... Why don't you show? No, no. It's from the porcelain. From Moby. No one listens to Tate, no.

I genuinely, I've felt that. From the trough, a little bit of splashage from another man's wisp on my shin. I'm out. I like the steam from a piss I've had that as a thing before your piss though

yeah they'll be like I love these winter pisses I went for a piss in Pogues yesterday and honestly I think my piss

must have been 102 degrees because it came out of the steam it was fucking wild where's that was it phase one that was a nice venue but for some reason the toilets were downstairs because he came out of the steam. It was fucking wild. Where's that?

Was it phase one? That was a nice venue, but for some reason, the toilets were downstairs near the Antarctic. Yeah. Just a weird feeling when you're like... It is good, like watching your steam come up off your pissy. I remember we got that at one of...

That's his breakfast piss as well. What's the opposite to this? Huh? What's the opposite to this thing you're doing? Good things. What's it called? Simple pleasures. Oh, simple pleasures.

Good things. New feature, you're doing? Good things. What's it called? Simple pleasures. Good things. New feature, guys. Carl's good things. Carl's good things when you find a fiver in an old pair of jeans. That was the original simple pleasure. Someone wrote it in once as a simple pleasure. We told them what the fuck. And now we're saying I'm good at this.

That checks out. We are very flippant. We're a fickle podcast. Right. Last one. This is from Josh Bicknell. When you order a Mackey's, deliver it, et cetera,

and the tracker tells you the driver has a few more orders to deliver first so you know that your food is going to be stone cold. Steve Austin. Food? Steve Austin.

What? So when Uber Eats, you can order it. Is it not just one meal per customer? No. It's quite inefficient. Especially if you're using a discount code. Then they're like, you can do one.

I expect one my food, one driver. No. No. Deliveroo is like, hey, here's John. He's picked his grano and he's got to drop these seven off and then your number eight. I always pay priority. Always. I pay priority.

Always. I pay priority. Now, it's an extra two quid. Look, I know there's a cost of living crisis and I'm not showing off, but it's worth the two quid. It's two pound for your food, so you won't. Fugal. I'd rather just not have a can of Coke. I'll take the can of Coke off the order to pay for the premium.

No, you won't. I did not. You keep the can of Coke. You're a liar. Lads, have three premiums. Get it dead quick. Rig the law. See you in a bit.

I can't be arsed getting up to buzz you in. Climb the fucking building. Spider-Man my food through the window. It's 40 quid. Is there a fucking Spider-Man option? If there was a 40 pound Al Sparger, I'd be there in three minutes

you go, yeah. Deliveroo's got the Fathers for Justice app. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've said this before I only ate on Deliveroo. You go, yeah, your food's £16

and then you go to the last page and it goes, yeah, you're always £47. And you're like, why? It goes loads of things. Why? It's just

you add on my charge. He's being hyperbolic. It does add like a five or? It's just the adult mad charge. He's being hyperbolic. It does add like a five or something. It sounds like a tall settlement. Then it's 24, couldn't you like, do I want to spend 24 pounds on food? I was happy spending 15. That's how they get you.

Once it's in the basket though, what are you doing? Getting off on your fat ass? Fuck that. Exactly, that's how they get you. It wasn't all words. I live in a village

and delivery isn't an option you got Uber

Eats last year metropolis there kid once the

co-op is short you're going driving surely you've

got delivery from Chester driving on a lecky bike five miles so a little mile yeah that's fine no what in a queue yeah you'd definitely be able to do that watch i was gonna do that as well see we're gonna change your world here yeah don't say

i know what it is because i said said it by accident. You guessed it. Spot on. It can't be. I can't remember the last bit. It's not that. Martin, let's not do it now, but let's not give Dan's address away. I don't think I can get it. But also, the food just turns up cold. It's too far.

So I just go to the Caspian on my own. I just drive. I'm my own delivery. Caspian? Shit. Dan, there's loads on Uber Eats. And I learned how to say thank you in Kurdish, and now they fucking love me, because I'm my own delivery. That's shite. Dan, there's loads on Uber Eats. And I learned how to say thank you in Kurdish and now they fucking love me because I'm the only person.

Thank you, mate. Spaz. You open the door and say spaz to a man and he goes, thank you. If you get your food and go spaz. Someone's having you on, you absolute fucking idiot. Spaz. Oh, spaz. It is spaz. I was being silly. Spaz. Spaz. Thank you, thank you man spas me what you're right

finn didn't even need to google it he knows i don't know region got beef famously oh kurdish and turkish because they're kind of on the kurdish side oh are you free palestine yeah are you a kid no i'm not a kid but Are you a Kurd? No, I'm not a Kurd, but... He's a contrarian. My dad's very racist towards Kurds, and I don't like... I don't appreciate it. I'm your dad.

Wow. I'm your dad now. Does he call them... I'm so proud of you, Captain, now. Huh? Does he call them turds? Yeah. Because I would,

if I was racist towards Kurdish people. Are we just guessing racist slangs? Are we? It's just easy in this one. Yeah. Make one up for Mongolians. What? I don't think you have to do a lot of work.

Shall we give some advice? Yeah. Ready to give some advice? Yeah. Let's get a delivery to my house though. Are you getting some food in a minute? Oh, I fucking forgot. Can I have some beach rolls?

We don't know what it's going to be. Oh, we do know what it's going to be. I've never had any of them. Carl versus food. I might have something to do. Well, I'm making two then, because I was going to have to give it up. What do you want me to do?

Oh, I love that. Proper early 90s West Coast hip hop. That's good. Cockweed. That regul hop. Nothing other than G-Funk. It's good. Cockweed. That regulates. Cockweed? Yeah. Regulate.

I think I'm becoming a shower. This is from an anonymous lady. Ideally, daily, ran from the alley. Hi, boys. Love the pod, but please, please, please keep me anonymous. Alongside my job as a hairdresser. Just modesty. Yeah.

Finn, is it dead annoying when people interrupt the prep it's kind of annoying you are so good at it though and that's why i'm proud of you i'm gonna give you five get it please please let me get what i want i understood it don't like jokes when i'm reading alongside my job as a hairdresser can you start again in bolivian go i can't do bolivian hi boys love the pop but please keep me alongside my job as a hairdresser i work part-time as an only fans model which mainly consists of me using sex toys and a lot of spit play last week i got a message through from a subscriber requesting something a bit more

extreme and vile he wanted me to record a private video for him where i gag on a dildo until I eventually throw up on it and then proceed to stick it up myself. Oh, I'm out. Obviously, I was absolutely horrified

and disgusted and said no, but he came back yesterday offering me two grand. Oh, that's our fathers for justice money. I really need the money as it's an insane amount,

but I also can't fathom doing it and I'm worried about the video being shared. Any advice on if I should Don't get your face in it. And I'm worried about the video being shared. Any advice on if I should- Don't get your face in it. Wear a Ray Mysterio mask and then do it. You don't have to puke in your pussy, babe.

Come on. No, for two grand, puke in your pussy. What are you talking about? I'm dressed as Ray Mysterio. 2,000 pounds to get a bit of fucking vomit up your fucking gina. Gina? No.

What's wrong with that babe I get it you know I'm into anything dirty just sick I know too as long as you can't smell it

but you can nobody he can't through the video I'm not saying you'd like to watch it I think like if I was in the right

if I was hungover this would do for me yeah but you like fucking all sorts don't you like car crash videos when you're horny no I know I was being hyperbolic I was in that Renault Spass Yeah, but you like fucking all sorts, don't you? You like car crash videos when you're horny. No.

Oh, no. I was being hyperbolic. I know a spas. Oh, mate. Spas. Thank you. No. Oh, she's going to do fine.

I know two grand's a lot of money, but just keep getting your biff out. Is there a number, then? Keep getting your biff out. If she'd said, he's offered me five grand, would you go, yeah, do it? Do it for two grand? I mean, puke turns is not a turn on to me.

When I like the video, I just think it's that level of porn where you're like, it's psycho guys going, I want to see someone suffer. Like I hate that porn. Like I hate it. Where there's a, it's a really horrible rapey vibe to it of like look at her she hates it she can't do it and i'm making it like who the fuck is into that going yeah look at you

having a horrid time i honestly love the porn where the women are like this is my hobby let's do it i'm here for the fun i don't even need i don't need expenses i know what you mean and i hate all of that stuff as well like the audible honorable forced stuff. But this is not bad, is it? This is air choking on her fucking dildo. Yeah, but it's the puke thing. Because it's literally... I just thought she was wearing the Rey Mysterio mask for that bit. Yeah.

No, but the puke is your body going, I can't do this. It started rejecting it. And even if... It's all part of that same thing of the struggling. I hate that, man. Your body would be made up with two grand don't it yeah but no one like pages to do a video of it no babe just come on just you'll be fine you'll make two grand in a month tell him to make a five

and do it no well that's not the thing is it she doesn't want to she wants christmas paid for oh i i just think you do it two grand's a lot of money. You can always wash your pussy. Definitely a quiz soon. Absolute fact. Bit of a... Is she fit? I don't know. I've not seen her.

Hair dress and OnlyFans lady. I just, I feel like with OnlyFans, if you're empowered enough to be like, do you know i like my body i'm into it it's not even a turn on or whatever go for it as soon as someone's trying to make you do something you don't want to do tell them to fuck off fuck off for two grand 25 grand fuck off no but just don't but then it's just a ridiculous like five million ten billion would you do it 25 grand no it's just horrible ridiculous, like, 5 million, 10 billion. Would you do it? No, 25 grand. No, it's just horrible.

Don't do what you don't want to do. No, but that's what the money's for, isn't it? No, I know. That's fine. But don't do it. Like, you wouldn't do a corporate for no money, but if there's a number that would get you to do a corporate, this is a corporate of the BOMO world.

I used to hate myself for it. It was awful. And every time I was there, I was going, I hate this. Yeah. I wish I'd just... But that's what the money's for. It's over pretty quick every time I was there, I was going, I hate this. Yeah. I wish I'd just, soon it's over. It's over pretty quick. Should have just worn a Ray Mysterio mask.

You mean fine? Oh, honestly, I wish I could go back and do every corporate gig I've ever done wearing a Ray Mysterio mask. I just died on my terms.

Okay. Now, best newcomer in marketing this year. Can you take the Ray Mysterio mask off? No, this is for me.

Are these the borrowers? Hello, mister. Do you know if Ray Mysterio killed someone in the ring? What? One of them today. Ray Mysterio killed someone in the ring. They suffocated on the ropes, choked themselves on the 619.

Okay, that's a Ray Mysterio fact. He was drunk crying. The man choked. I'm going to see if Hattie's here and make you a sandwich. I want to tip this girl on OnlyFans to not have to puke on her own biff. It's just horrible. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another episode. Sneak time.

This is not sponsored by Sneak. This is. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Dan vs. Food. This is Dan Nightingale. gentlemen welcome to another episode sneak time this is not sponsored by sneak this is ladies gentlemen welcome back to dan versus food this is dan nightingale it's a 42 year old man with food phobias and every week we make him try a food he's never tried before on camera for your pleasure he's going to be sick today uh this is my favorite sandwich in the world because i grew up during war times uh this is a corned beef sandwich with brown sauce and steak McCoy's crisps on it. I've never had it, but I'm excited. So, I'll tell you what.

I'm going to have one this week because I've never had corn beef. You hold that. And put it in your mouth. This excites me. Well, I like a lot of the stuff that's in this. I mean, traditionally I like a lot of the stuff that's in this. I mean, traditionally I like a lot of crisps, bread. This looks exciting.

What butter is it? It's just clover. Clover is it? Oh, yeah. And what is it? Yeah? Yeah. Does it taste like the past?

I didn't have it in the past, though. But does it taste like the past? No, it tastes good. Dan, munch. Shepard's pie smells like the past. Just like this. Adam, I know how good. Dan. Shepherd's pie smells like the past. Just like this. Adam, I know how to eat food. It's not the problem.

I've not been, I've never got food phobia. He's like, I'm not going to work this out. Where does it go? My mum was like, stop sticking it in your ear. I don't like food.

It's his. Have a nice big bite. It's great. I love it. It's just meat. Is it? It's just meat? It's just piss?

You had spam before, Dan. I've had what? Spam. Do you think I've had spam? Stop asking stupid fucking questions. Is it like cold bacon? Yes. Yeah.

It actually is. It really is. Are you shitting me? No. No. Is corned beef a bit like bacon? It's the bacon of beef. What? Well, bacon's pork, innit?

This is like beefy bacon. Genuinely. I like it. He's going to like it. I've got a feeling. Oh. Oh. He's pulling his De Niro face. It's the crisp.

Take the crisp off. Oh. Oh, shit. Do you need the bin? Oh. No. Hang on. I can't decide.

Isn't that mad? You can't decide whether he eats it or loves it. And it's not going to be sick. I can't decide. I don't know what's happening. I don't know what's happening. There's a party in your mouth. I can't decide if I really like it't know what's happening there's a party in your mouth I can't decide if I really like it or if it's

absolutely abysmal I can't tell you what's happening what don't I like I like something the crisps crisps are just fine aren't they crisps crisps oh it's happened again

I know what you mean you can't hate it then because you know when you hate something we've seen it with the the chicken thing I think you love it but you just don't believe it

this sounds mental I find it easier to eat new things on the left hand side of my mouth I think righty's a bit nervy. A judgy.

Lefty wants him. How do you feel? I don't know what's going on here. I don't like it, but I don't hate it. But it's not just a five out of ten.

It's either a nine or a two. It's both hate and like at the same time. You like the flavours, but not the consistency? I don't know what's happening. I can't explain it.

This is a mystical beast. Is it just the slices of corned beef? What about trying just the bit, like break a bit of just the slice of corned beef off? Have you ever had the crisp butty done? See if that's the flavour you like. Don't fucking talk down to me. All right, I've given up.

I don't know. I can't up i don't know um i can't i know it turns out by the way i was starving adam have you just made yourself the lunch you wanted yeah and given me a slice of it so what what are we thinking rating rating-wise? You're just going to have to go with your gut. I don't think it can be done numerically. Okay. Deep orange. So you understand this now, good. Yeah.

Is it a Thursday? It's a sort of deep orange, Thursday tea time. Thursday tea time in the autumn. Ooh, early autumn. Yeah. That's exciting, that Thursday tea time. Yeah, yeah, yeah autumn. Ooh, early autumn. Yeah. That's exciting, that Thursday tea time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. With a mist.

Very unlikely. I don't know, mate. I can't... There's bits of that that feel horrible and there's other things going on. Would you ask for it again? No! No!

But I didn't hate it. I can't tell you what's happened there that's the most unusual considering it looks like the simplest thing you've ever given me it's just a fucking it's a crisp buttery with a bit of fucking you know working class meat cow bacon yeah i could see the appeal sort of what i'll say is this is that just a dead shit bacon sandwich though? No. It's not unlike bacon. I just said that so you put it in your mouth. It's not

come on that's not a million miles away from a bacon sarnie. No it isn't but neither is you know turkey. No but that's am I mad Carl?

That's a bit bacon sandwichy. Yeah I've never had this before and I would liken it to a bacon sandwich. Right so I would say it's like the worst bacon sandwich ever yeah that that might be where you're getting that from right yeah the brown sauce is on it brown sauce is a very important part if you do red you've oh you're in a world of pain yeah and i've only i've only ever had brown sauce accidentally

when i when we were at bold street coffee and i was having a bacon sandwich i was like this tomato ketchup is very fruity. It's mad that, because tomato is a fruit, and that means that it's always fruity. Tomato ketchup is essentially jam. I'm gonna give that a five. That's why old people don't like it. I'm gonna give it seven out of 10. Wow.

With a three point deduction. Evan. It's confusing. It's the end of the sandwich. There's an asterisk. There's an asterisk. It started well, but ultimately it's confusing it's the end of sandwiches there's an asterisk there's an asterisk it started well but ultimately

it's going down it's great years ago Evan no well there we go hope you've enjoyed that week's that week's

this week's Dan vs Food corned beef sandwiches comment below your favourite like cheap your little things like this that we can make them try

because we've run out of ideas without just giving them like spicy pickles. Because I love noodle butties, mate. A little super noodle butty. I love making noodles and making toast with it and having noodle butties.

That's my like smack head scan at home. What's your smack head scan? Waffle. This is my smack head scan. Waffle, cheese, toast, little bit of hot sauce. So good on a hangover.

Yeah. Just, it's basically different types of stodge and cheese but i i very rarely have this now but i like this is so this is such a like a reminiscent like a nostalgic scram for me like i had this pretty much every day for the first like 12 years of my life that was like my school lunch most days actually i had cheese on toast every day from the age of four to 16. It is a little bit better

with brown bread, like with thick hovers. Oh. Prefer brown bread. More flavour. Weird. And if you've never had this before,

go and give it a little bash because it, corned beef, brown sauce and steak McCoy's. If you can get them, the best crisps to go with them, they're just very hard to find. There's two that beat the steak McCoy's. If you can get them, the best crisps that go with them,

they're just very hard to find. There's two that beat the steak McCoy's. Pickled onion walkers or Worcester sauce walkers. They're better crisp for this sandwich. You've stopped making them,

haven't you? Worcester sauce, French fries are amazing. Hey, two dicks, should we get a Nando's? Nice. Why are you laughing I'm in a phenomenal mood

I'm so high on Lemsip and usually when people go off in the middle of the day to do all the stuff it bugs the fuck out of me I've had a lovely time

what have you been doing went to pull a bone in myself oh Ray Bradshaw's here this is a it feels very last day of school like

it's very relaxed they're always our best episodes you know oh okay even though we're gonna do this consistently for another eight years

minimum I'm not quitting in eight years I know I know I know but once I'm up to death someone's gonna die yeah what have you been doing the last three and a half hours

while I've been off filming I've had two Lem Sit Mac strengths daytime I'm not a fucking prick I'm not taking night time, mid-afternoon. I had a Nando's with my Gabers. And I had a big plop.

It's been a really nice few hours. Three and a half hours. You brought a scarf? And I brought a scarf. You brought a scarf? Yeah. How's your bum done? You got a sore bum?

Yeah. There's a lot of information really early on in there. Very separate issue from the scarf. Toilet paper's just too coarse. Yeah yeah but knitwear is soft on my ring piece how much money are you making for the patriot if you're wiping your ass with scarves just a lot yeah i've seen your teeth i know don't worry and one of my favorite men is here not just comedians men yeah do you clap yourself and see when you do like a lineup show and you go back in and is here. Not just comedians. And Ray. Thank you. Ray is here as well. Do you clap yourself? See when you do like a line-up show and you go back in and people are like clapping and they say your name. Do you

clap as well? No. I do, but is that a bad thing? I do the Ronaldo. Just let people know. What's his name? What? The Ronaldo. Okay. Ronaldo. I do the Ronaldo. Do you know Cristiano Ronaldo? I am ill.

Romaldo. Romaldino. Romaldo. That one's bladdered. That one is off his face. Hey, thanks for coming down. It's all right.

How are yous? We're all right, yeah. He's fucking flying. Yeah. I'm bladdered. I'm let's see bladdered. He is flying. I'm so proud of literally flooded he is flying I'm so proud of him

he's doing so well at the moment I'm dead proud of him he's flying this is you two have never had more stepdad energy than right now

than that moment of just stroking him but I'm so proud of him and I fucked his mum yeah did you dig it up? when she was alive. Those tits were out for a reason.

Would you be pissed off if you found out Dan had shagged your mum before? I'd be pissed off that it took him this long to tell me. That should have been like a pre-episode one. Just so you know, don't want it to come out at some point. I smashed your mum's back doors in.

Or is this his redemption arc? Like he's been making this up to you what if I never found out her name until I told you that's such a necessary take

about your poor mother no my mum was single for a lot of my childhood my dad broke up she was getting porked from somewhere wasn't she like women have needs

just like men do I feel bad for something I didn't do I don't mind me mum she's got needs yeah she did Dan tell us about the scarf

again I wasn't expecting she's got needs sound like Roy Keane she's got needs she's got needs she's got needs she's got needs

she's got needs she's got needs she's got needs she's got needs she's got needs she's got needs she's got needs she's got needs

she's got needs she's got needs she's got needs she's got needs she's got needs she's got needs she's got needs she's got needs

she's got needs she's got needs she's got needs she's got needs she's got needs she's got needs she's got needs she's got needs

she's got needs she's got needs she's got needs she's got needs she's got needs she's got needs she's got needs she's got needs

she's got needs she's got needs she's got needs she's got needs she's got needs she's got needs she's got needs she's got needs

she's got needs she's got needs she's got needs she's got needs she's got needs she's got needs she's got needs she's got needs

she's got needs she's got needs she's got needs she's got needs she's got needs she's got needs she's got needs she's got needs she's got needs she's got needs she's Do you want to get in there? Usually I would say something this way,

but I don't even know what the fuck to say. Welcome to the show. Enjoy the next hour. Yeah, like, I don't mind that my dad was a bit of a shagger after, you know, the divorce. I shagged him as well. That would be worse, wouldn't it? Yeah. No, that would be well better.

Would it be better? Yeah. Why? It's funny, isn't it? Do you know how fun how much I how much I would relish telling my dad

that I know Dan had bummed him do you know how funny that would be that's presumptuous yeah he could be the bummer he could be the bummy that's even

that I mean that's no that's funny for another reason because then I can wind him up is that your dad phoning now I've got a spidey sense going on I've got news yeah oh god yeah I've got a spying sense going on. I've got news. Oh, God.

Yeah, I've got no problem with my parents having sex outside of marriage once the marriage is over. Hang on, but once the... Not with me, though, eh? I wouldn't give a fuck. I think you'd be very chilled out about this. I just wouldn't give a fuck. I think Laura would be fuming.

If you'd fucking... No, if I cheated on my wife with your dad, that would be a strange twist, wouldn't it? Do you reckon she'd be more bothered that it was a man or that you'd done it at all? She's pretty... Yeah, I think she'd be fuming on the cheating before the homosexuality.

Really? You reckon she'd be more bothered that you've hidden cheating than homosexuality? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because she's not bothered about...

There's literally no homophobia in her, so she'd be like, just angry at me. Ask Philip Schofield's ex-wife. But it's something you can't offer her, isn't it? She hasn't got a hairy arsehole like my dad. I've said that. He's got the number.

Like, I love that. Philip Schofield's ex-wife could give you first-hand knowledge of this. He was fucking rimming fellas for years that she didn't know. Fellas is generous isn't it children cow

yeah I get the feeling I'm going to lose yeah I get the feeling I'm going to lose a lot of work today no you're going to gain

a lot of followers that's what we've done for the last three years we've lost a lot of work and we've gained a lot of fans see I never got offered TV work and now I've really underlined

that lack of TV work while having everything else go just fine. Yeah, you can do whatever you want with my parents. Well, my dad now. There's legalities to the rest of it. Yeah. I've never really got that whole thing.

Like, if I... Like, if I... If one of my friends wants to say, like, me cousin, or, like, me... If I had a sister, well, I have,

I just don't know where she is. Like, I wouldn't be, like, asked about it. Can you tell, Ray? Yeah, I don't know that story. I've got a quarter Chinese sister, but not Chinese, but, you know, Chinese,

like, that, you know what I mean? I've got a quarter Chinese sister. No, no. You cannot breeze over that East Asian Chinesey my dad told me

Chinese when I was a kid and then I was like in adults and I was like I've got a quarter Chinese sister and he was like not really Chinese

but one of those how do you have a quarter sister no she's my half sister but she is a quarter Asian yeah you've got your functions wrong

I was like did your dad shag a guy and then he got a big old thing? What was the Russian doll situation? My dad got a half

Asian woman pregnant and she had a baby and that baby is out there somewhere gallivanting. Probably in Newcastle. Yeah. I'm just guessing.

Where did you find out this? My dad told me. Well, my mum told me when she was drunk and I asked my dad and he said, yeah. And you never tracked him down? I dad told me well my mum told me when she was drunk and I asked my dad and he said yeah and you never tracked him down?

I'd love to see how she told you that you know I think she was like yeah you got a sister somewhere he didn't fucking look at it have you done like an ancestry test or anything like that? get that done

yeah but don't I need her to check she might already be on it if she could be on it she might be on it apparently a few years ago when we were because a few years ago

I asked my dad can I find it and he was like no when I'm dead like you can look when i'm dead which is a bit morbid in it uh and then i was like recently i was like dad can i find it and he's like yeah you know you're a fully grown adult you do your own thing like you should look for that but and then this was in the pub like two weeks ago by the way i'm having this conversation with him and he went yeah you fucking mentioned it on your podcast ages ago didn't you i went yeah and he went, yeah, you fucking mentioned it on your podcast ages ago, didn't you? I went, yeah. And he went, yeah, because some girl messaged me

saying that's me, but I just fucking ignored it. And I was like, oh. Yeah. Do you think your dad would be more annoyed about you talking about this in the podcast or him shagging dad? I think my dad's game for anything, right, to be honest with you.

Wherever he can get it at the minute. But I'm going to look for it in the new year. I'm quite busy at the minute with my talk. New year. English New Year Chinese New Year which one are you going to do

you've got to decide the year of the rat can we do a patron special I said this but apparently she's only an egg buff

so it might be a little short I'll go with that we'll get that quick we'll stop we'll get this but apparently she's only in egberth so it might be a little shorter get an episode of who do you think you are but it's just the hour is just you walking to egberth 55 minutes are you going down swith down yeah i'd be amazing. I'll find her, you know. But I don't know whether it's going to be special length because it might literally be, oh, she lives there. And then I knock and she's like,

how are we, Adam? I'm your sister. Like, it could be that. She might not be like that. She might be like, fuck you. Family are really religious as well. I was going to say an accent. A family are really religious.

That's why they didn't want my dad involved. Hello, Adam. Hello, Adam. Look at my boots and coat. Hello, Adam. I'm your sister. Look at my boots and coat. Hello, Adam. I'm your sister. Look at my boots and coat. We'll have a little cockapoo here.

You just used the word vagabond. The only other time I've ever heard that is in the film The Lion King. What Venn diagram are you meeting in? Elton John sings Kings and Vagabonds. Ah. Little baby. A bit better.

What did you do? She went, I fucking hate you? I'd be like, sounds. You've ruined the special. I'd be like, well, glad we did this.

Would you try and rectify it now? If she said, I fucking hate you, having never met me. No, I wouldn't. I'd be like, do you know what? You don't deserve me. Fuck off out of my life.

She didn't like your standup. If she was like, oh, I respect you as a person, but I'm not into your work. I'd be like, look, not everyone's perfect. So I'll let you off. It's so funny how you're slowly...

Have you got any lost siblings you'd like to find? No, but I'm into it. I don't think my mum and dad wear shaggers, so I don't think so. Weirdly, though... They've done it at least once. That's a fact. Three, there's three of us.

What was my mum call my brother? A happy accident or something like that? But my dad's an identical twin, and his twin chatted my mum called? My brother, happy mistake, happy accident or something like that. But my dad's an identical twin and his twin chatted my mum up first and he went to the toilet. My dad swooped in and she thought it was the same guy. That's weird, isn't it?

So funny. I've never done standup about it because it's so unbelievable. I seen a thing the other day. This lad was in a bar and this girl slid her number, like was like, this is for you.

And he texted him was like listen I'm gay but I've got an identical twin who's not do you want his number because I've already spoke to him and he's up for it

he thinks it'd be a funny first date and they've now been together for years I'm mad at that that's cool hey isn't are both your parents deaf yeah

so how did that play out like fully deaf yeah so my mum my mum lost her hearing through measles, so she lip reads and speaks, but my dad only signs,

so he's been deaf all his life. So like my mum signs and speaks. So if you met my mum, you might not know she's deaf, but my dad's full sign language. To give you context what my dad's like, maybe three, four weeks ago, I woke up to the sound of a chainsaw

at like half six in the morning. And like it's Glasgow, right? So that's common. But I opened the window and I looked out my dad was cutting the hedge in my garden and at half six in the morning and I waved to get his attention for ages and I signed to him I was like dad what you doing uh you'll wake up the neighbors and my dad with a chainsaw on his left hand signed back to me in his right hand I'm deaf sounds like your problem and then just kept cutting so that that's my family, right?

So when you hear stories like that, you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, because if he's never been able to hear, he's got no concept of how loud anything can be, never mind a train sort. I cannot stress how little he cares about your podcast. It's of no interest to him at all. Try and explain a podcast.

It's like radio, but with less adverts. You don't get it yeah so he's like what radio yeah yeah that's what I was talking about I was talking about

my dad on long car journeys like he must be so bored has he got has he got in a monologue yeah because I've kind of asked him about that

but he was like it didn't really make sense and all the people get programmed in a monologue yeah and in a voice

imagine it was just having met my dad the idea of having a Shakespeare monologue yeah and in a voice imagine it was just having met my dad the idea of having a Shakespeare monologue in his head is so funny yeah does he

how in a monologue does he think in sign language is that your next question does he think in Scottish well he doesn't know what Scottish is

yeah he does yeah of course is there not Scottish signing is there yeah there is there is there's regional variation so like Glasgow's so

fucked up if I meet a deaf person in Glasgow I can tell within the first five minutes if they're Catholic or Protestant that's insane because they have different sign language

what so there's like Catholic signs and Protestant signs for days of the week and all that kind of stuff no not as obvious as that no that's a Protestant one

like the Catholic one is this because it's the man's on it the man and the rangers are white that's the funniest thing I've said a white thing that's the funniest thing I've said in three years that's it

again what was it I said this is the Protestant one and this is the Catholic one because the Catholic one has got a man on it because it ain't the Catholic church

yeah don't have a man on it sign language boy if I might I would open the arena with that like I think that's fucking great mate

right is there a sign for every word no no no like so some words don't have English versions and vice versa

so like some words in sign language exist that don't exist in English and like so what do you do there so like you would fingerspell it so like you would finger like the alphabet

for like people's names or like sometimes try to think of a good example and also when you were saying about regional sign language so like some of the signs in Scotland are different from the signs in england and like australia

when i went to australia ausland's 81 similar so the best difference is this so in scotland this is like sex in england english sign language kind of arrangement sorry last been uh no just sex yeah surely you go southern but that uh in australia the same sign as coca-cola like and i was i was chatting to this deaf woman and she was like, do you want some? And I was like, Australia's fucking amazing.

The sign for brands. That's a... You would do like Nike. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you'd do that? Yeah, you would do that. Like Nike, yeah, yeah. That's so sweet.

I'd love to learn sign language. I said I was going to and I've been lazy. I'd love to do it. The problem is, it's really expensive to learn. So like level one, which is like the base level, is like 200 qu quid if you go to level six to become an interpreter

it can be anywhere between five and ten grand so like and then you get like a you become a qualified you know all of the words and other stuff i don't um yeah no like you do things like family signs so like my dad is a lazy signer so he's taught me some signs also we'll see when i was growing up like see because my dad was born what 1952 A lot of the signs he taught me are the racist signs. And then my mum was a sign language teacher. She was like, you can't fucking do that. I think you told me this years ago. Yeah.

In the signing community, there's been had to be like a, like a political correctness update. Yeah, man. Because stuff like. Yeah, cause Chinese was what you think it is. Yeah, there was stuff like that. Chinese is literally.

Yeah. What? Fucking orange water quarter quarter sister Chinese one quarter

sister yeah why did you do an accent just to make the point yeah and even like in Liverpool there was

anything right because you might have gone out then how old are you 31 right so I'm 35 and I came to

liverpool for uni so i was fine doing hot water weird because it used to be the magnet yeah so at the end of the magnet was the start of hot water and i worked across like see where the stage is i always remember my mate essentially fingered a girl with the stages and hot water downstairs yeah where the fish tank was yeah so like it's really weird anytime i go back there and i also saw one of my mates glass himself in there, but that's a fucking other story. But when I did a tour show in Hotwater and I had regional variations, there was a Scouse deaf guy

and I was like, teach me some Scouse sign language because the accent down here is class, right? So I was like, teach me something. And he did a sign and it looked like that. And I copied it and all the deaf people he was with laughed.

And I was like, right, that's not fair. So I did it again and they all laughed. So I was like, right, it's too dark dark like come up into the bright lights so he came up because i was signing the whole show and he came up and the sign looked like that and as he got to like maybe five meters away five yards away from me i realized what had happened he was doing that and they were all laughing and i was laughing because he was missing those two fingers and i'd just been ripping the piss out of him when he came over and he was laughing at me and he came over

and it's the best line i've ever done on stage because he was like he was laughing at me i was like mate this isn't my problem if you're deaf and you're missing two fingers you've got a speech impediment like that's on you rather than me like and then it was just really awkward him standing there and then he just fucked off can i ask you a question yeah i've needed to ask this since we started recording and uh like at school no it's not it is though it's not what this i don't know do you know what remember that no that please will you fuck off no please will you and fuck off is just fuck off like two fingers out there you can do that as well yeah you can do it yeah if you want to be you want to be more efficient but yeah like i people used to

show me that all the time i don't even know what that is so do it again so the first one is n that's the letter n oh wow yours is racist yeah what's the next one i that's uh not really anything like faint like faint yeah so N N word faint

please will nothing that doesn't really mean anything that should be sort of unrequited lesbian love that you can't in Australia yeah that could be like bank or if you do that that's gay In Australia. Yeah.

That could be like bank, or if you do that, that's gay. So I can depend on which one you want. Maybe it's just broken English. N, faint. Nothing. Gay. Gay.

Off. Gay off. N, faint, nothing, gay off. It's a new tour it's a new sea fight isn't it he's brilliant all the way from

Bolivia it's end fight Bolivia off every time someone's shown me that I'll be like nah I don't know where that started

don't ever know St Margaret Mary's Catholic High School er junior school yeah where you started it where that started. Don't ever know. St. Margaret Mary's Catholic High School. Junior school. Is that where you started? Where you started, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

In my head, it still is. We did Happy Birthday. I think it's right. Is that right? No. Well, then some teachers lied to us. We were like, what's this? Yeah, right.

So that... He seems like he's just fucking in a strip club. Like, that's not really... Happy Birthday, love. You do happy, happy. I would do birthday. What did you do? Happy. Then he said, this is birthday.

Like, pulling your own hair. Like that. Nah, man. I think you've been done. Like, birthday. It's really... Maybe it's Welsh sign language. Oh, don't fucking start that.

Why would you need Welsh sign language? What's L? What's L in... L. L. Just lower the L. Why would you need Welsh sign language? What's L? What's L in? L. L. Just loads of L. Where are you from? Oh, we get it.

Yeah, Welsh sign language is a thing, but... No, it's not. It's not even a thing in spoken language, is it? Yeah, but it is. No, they write down some letters, every now and then, to wind everyone else up, but it's not a language, is it?

Did you learn it at school, or was it just a random woman teaching you? The sign language? Yeah. That was a whole assembly that we had. We learnt that. And that's all you picked up? A whole assembly?

They were just teaching us that. They were teaching us happy birthday. My wee boy's four and he knows way more sign language than you. Do you have any jokes

in your family? Because if you're all sign you must be able to go eh he's in our bed but in your language. Yeah you can be like me and my brother and my sister

if me and my brother we were all hearing if we were out we can just bitch about people in front of us what happens more commonly is people talk about you see if I'm out

my dad we only sign people talk about us thinking we're both deaf and I can hear it trains and pubs are really common for that so my dad if I tell my dad

my dad's just a big child he will give me a sentence I don't even know what you said but the tone sounded funny so i was like i was into it uh he will give me one sentence to say out loud and then just go back to signing like nothing had happened so remember we're in um gilded balloon in edinburgh you can't see my show and then uh we're saying i was like they're talking about us and he went to say this so we just signed and the only sentence i said out loud was and then i think he killed her and then just went back to signing and

you can see the hearing people like what the fuck has just happened me my dad just carried on so yeah you get that more often than that really ignorant question yeah can your dad speak yeah you can speak you might be able to make out some of the stuff like me me my family obviously can uh my mates can like my wee boy can um i think it's kind of some words, things like that. So there was a big thing in deaf schools where you were forced to learn how to speak rather than like, so my dad got his hands tied under the table

and stuff like that instead of signing and stuff like that. That was like 50s and 60s. That was quite common. Jesus. Like 70s. So like that. And then, but he got given hearing aids as well when he was like, he's never heard.

And I think it was like five or six and he just chucked them away so he just couldn't be arsed just couldn't be arsed whereas my mum I want to see that video because I keep seeing like the really cute ones

on like TikTok and that where the baby is for the first time and I'm like oh my god that's amazing just had you with a punting one your dad's going fucking nightmare

that's enough he said he threw them into like a river yeah he would yeah he never has never given a fuck. Oh, you like story, mate? Christ. Yeah, he would, yeah, he never, has never given a fuck and he loves, like, he uses his deafness

to his advantage all the time. He'll just, when people start talking to him, he'll just go, I'm deaf and then just walk away. Like, when he's been stopped

by the police for speeding, like all this kind of stuff and he gets away with fucking murder just because he goes, oh, I can't hear, sorry. Here's another ignorant question. Is there anything he can't do

because he's deaf? So driving, to me, I thought maybe he wouldn't be able to drive nah nah nah that's that's quite a common one um the not really i'm trying to think well like radio like you can't do radio yeah you can't do radio he's a really shit in the links so uh nah not really no uh there's a really common one was is other senses heightened

I remember like people have asked me that and I was like no my dad's dead strong but that was because he used to be a farmer but nah he doesn't wear

he kind of wears glasses but nah nothing else like extra heightened and you've done full shows signing yeah I'm the only person

ever to have done it do you speak or do you just sign? I do a combination of the two. So like I'll use voiceover. That's incredible, right? Yeah, so it's stressful as fuck, man. I had tons of hair before I started. Do you have to learn the comedic timing of signing?

Yeah, I drop jokes. So like certain words like puns and wordplay don't really work. So you kind of work it out. The worst thing about it, so like to answer your first question is, I'll get like a voiceover and I'll sign along to it or i film myself signing my whole show and i become my own interpreter so i do stand up in front of that so you can't even stick to a script

the worst thing is deaf people heckling you because they will sign to you and it's happened a few times where they call they say something like funny or like slag me off and I'll stop the show and I'll go, listen, they've just said this and I'll sign and speak that and then they'll deny it. So it looks like

I've stopped the show just to fucking bully a guy and I was like, you've just won the gig, man. Like, how is this happening? So yeah, I did two shows like that

and it was, it's class, man. You get tons of deaf people there, hearing people there. My favorite part is I let people mess in questions because like this, like people have

tons of questions where they want to ask you get stupid ones my favourite one do you ever get did your mum and dad ever give you the silent treatment

I was like yeah mate like every day to be honest man there's tons of them how did you know your tea was ready you just shout

I can hear I mean I can hear. I mean, I don't know how good you think my fucking lip reading skills would be at the start of the show, but... Oh, that was absolute hall of fame. That was so stupid. Did you just tell me, Cal? Oh, that was great stupid just tell me that was great yeah yeah you just learn it because you were obviously immersed in it in your childhood yeah i don't remember learning it so it's just like normal just normal just same same old boy he's been learning sign language and like except my mom and dad are like way more chilled with him so like they just lied to him so like

uh he came back when he was like before he turned so he's like four now and he came back he's maybe about to turn two and i was like did you learn any new signs today and he said papa which is what he calls my dad and i was like show me the sign for papa and he did a sign and i was like that's not the sign for papa so a couple of days later i went and see my mom i was like mom do you teach alex the sign for papa and she was like yeah all she did was she just taught him this and that's the sign for stupid so even now two years later whenever he wants my dad's attention, he calls my dad stupid.

And my dad just responds and then came over. And then like two weeks later, my wee boy came back and I was like, did you learn any new signs today? And he's like, granny. And I was like, oh, did granny teach you that? And he's like, no. And I was like, did papa teach you that?

He's like, yeah. And I was like, oh, fuck. Here we go. And my two-year-old son gently signed back to me, fat cow. And I was like oh fuck here we go and my two-year-old son genuinely signed back to me fat cow cool enjoy enjoy your time list living with his man because social services are coming for you so so yeah but yeah so i don't i don't ever remember learning it at all loved it like i said i was gonna learn it and i've just been you shoot me like it was weird during the um lockdowns like every so my aunt used to be one of the interpreters in the corner of the telly.

Oh, thank you. And every other, so Scotland, England, Scotland, Ireland, Wales, every COVID briefing had an interpreter and England never did, ever. Ever. Even it was pre-recorded,

which was shite. So like Scotland has become an official language. When do you think sign language became an official language in the UK? So it's existed since the 1500s. It's going to be like 1982 or something. I think it's going to be after that 2001 2003. 2003 you became a language 9 11. yeah because no one could you know that's how they celebrated it yeah i saw stink this year and there's a person signing along right uh i've got a question

signing along right uh i've got a question i'm just saying i'm just saying no sting was on stage the wrestler the singer the singer and then she the lady next to him was signing his song yeah i am i swear to god this is true and you're not going to believe me and it's going to sound like a joke and the only reason I'm pre-empting it is because it really fucking isn't. So do you know sometimes on the music channel they'll have an interpreter in the corner. I was watching, and it's always like late at night,

like two or three in the morning or whatever. And he's just doing the song and Eminem came on and he looked genuinely like, fuck you, to whoever was his boss for that day. Because he's just done like Katy Perry or whatever, which is hard enough.

And Eminem came on a really fast song. I seen it. Like the fella like looked down the barrel of the camera and go, for fuck's sake. But then he did it to be fair. Yeah, he's got repetitive strain injury, but like he did it.

Do you know why it's that late? No. Cause broadcast channels have to broadcast at least 10% of their shows inside so they put it on so they still do it but they don't do it when anyone can see it I thought you were

going to go down the other way do you remember you used to get ringtones on your phone I remember my mate Steve we were going like a football away day he bought Fit But You Know It

by the streets for like a fiver and the whole ringtone was just da da da da da da da the whole way the whole way you just wasted a fucking fiver a monophonic ringtone I just, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, was just sexy just now because like so bishop started learning sign language it's on um bishop partly did that because of working with you though you've done a lot of support for john didn't you

yeah yeah so we did that but like rose ailing ellis one strictly there was a film coda all about growing up with deaf parents and uh that one best film at the oscars last year i mean the film's a piece of shit but like there's a bit of the film where she's like it's oh you see this on csi so bad for this anytime like for you be good at this anytime there's a hearing kid and their mom and dad are deaf they always want to be a musician that's what every tv show and that happens in this film and uh she the daughter who's played by alan jones's daughter starts singing and the dad comes over and puts two fingers on her throat so you can feel the vibrations and i was like that would never fucking happen in a million years and my mate was like what would happen so i was like

let's go see my dad and i walked in i was like dad do you want to come and feel me sing and my dad just went no i'm deaf that was the end of the conversation i was like that's more realistic rather than just fucking milking it up margot robbie's learning as well hasn't she i saw that when yeah i think she's still trying to get with me like i think that's her trying to go that way are you um are you having a sign sign interpretive for next year's tour yeah for every date in the next tour so like can you tell us about this talk because it sounds fucking epic yeah i'm trying to find the person in the world that looks most like me so it's called doppelganger so you i think you would get it carl dan you'd

probably get it people come up and tell you you look like people all the time i get a lot of dms going and then it's just a person with a beard yeah i get any bald ginger person any bald ginger person you who do you get well it's different for me because it's accessories based so i wear these classic glasses and a hat and then people go ah it's any white guy yeah okay but yeah with you. But yeah, with you, it's just my face. It's James Collins. You can win it either. It's James Collins, John Hartson, Liam Boyce. A weird one who's like 30 years older,

but we have exactly the same face, is Michael Rapaport, the cop that plays Phoebe's boyfriend. Oh, yeah. I've got the same face, weirdly. You have? Yeah. He's the one who shoots the deer. He shoots a bird out the window

out the window yeah I've got the same face like proportions first thing in the morning out the bedroom in the day there

yeah downtown Manhattan fucking out the window sorry just one sec yeah it's actually a holiday home so yeah so I'm trying to find

that person so I've got a website doppelginger.net so you can go on and submit your photos because doppelginger.net so you can go on and submit your photos because doppelginger.com it was 650 quid to buy so i was like it was six quid so i was like fucking taking that and people send me their pictures every day i wake up to people sending me their pictures of bald ginger people either themselves or nominating other people so sometimes

they're really close and other times i'm like that's's insulting to me. Like I look nothing like it. And someone leaked it on a gay website for a bit. So there's a lot of dick pics for a little bit. Which was great, man, because they didn't read the terms and conditions. So I now own those dick pics. So I'll be selling merch at the end of the tour days every day.

Like here you go. T-towels. I think it's very common because I get it all the time. I'll get messages with like photographs of celebrities going on. Who do you get? Former Charlton striker,

Jason Yule. Probably the most common one. It's the one I always go to. Him in the 90s. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Right.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Is he Barb Aiden?

He's black. Bajan, is he? Bajan, is he? There's no... At least he put some subtle name there. Where's Jason Yule from? Google him.

Jason Yeo, did him and Robbie Earl not play for Jamaica in the 98 World Cup? Jamaica, sorry. Yeah, he played for Jamaica in the 98 World Cup. He was a fucking bagger for a while, by the way. With that Reebok top. At Wimbledon? Man, that was a beauty.

That was a decent girl part. The Reggae Boys, 98 World Cup, they were all in it. Because Rangers signed, was it Robbie Earl? Rangers signed, but they hadn't scouted him. And he came up and he was absolutely shite. Robbie Earl has scored in every single level of English football. Are you thinking of Robbie Earnshaw?

That's Robert Earnshaw. What is amazing? I've always thought this way. The level of confidence you say things makes me doubt things I know. I was like, no, that's doubt things I know even though I'm like I was like no that's bullshit

I know it is he scored a hat-trick in every competition he scored a hat-trick in Scotland for Wales yeah it was dreadful so good luck with your talk how the fuck

were you ending up like yeah nice one good luck with that it's gonna be a big talk Robbie Earl though yeah he needs a push I love niche football

like I was so happy when you told me you knew who Jose Catongo was because of bridges yeah because yeah I mean it is

it's the most fun thing ever and I keep doing it in Glasgow because you think it's funny I think it is funny and crowds

crowds mainly don't know what I'm doing yeah yeah yeah and then the few that do know I'm doing a run I mean if you've got context that you know when was it

1996 they got a man in the match for Hearts and they said what's Angola like who's from and he said And then the few that do know I'm doing a rant. I mean, if you've got context, you know when was it, 1996, they got a man in the match for Hearts and they said, what's Angola like? Where he's from? And he said the other week, his uncle got eaten by a lion for a laugh. And then every front page paper ran the story. So we had to pretend this was true

for like two, three years. That's why it's funny to me because it's like, he's just a shit footballer. Right. Was he a bit mental? Yeah, a wee bit. And his name rhymes with... Yeah.

Jose Cotogo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But like... Rosie. Scottish football, we've got so many shite players that come up.

That's why we all enjoy it. All of them? No, not all of them. How many messes have you done? Not all of them. John McGinn's good. My wee boy fucking loves

John McGinn. He's a good footballer. Loves John McGinn. You've got Nathan Patterson, you've got Andy Robertson. Billy Gilmore. Oh, I love Billy Gilmore. Everton and Scotland,

they've got a big pass together. Yeah, Everton became a Scottish team because of McFadden and guys that came down and played. But a lot of them are shite. Are you a Partick Thistle fan?

Partick Thistle fan, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So our mascot, you'll know our mascot, Kingsley, is the big frightening sun thing. Oh, is that you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how people know us now. Sick him. We trended worldwide that day yeah there's great they did a Thistle did an initiative

where you could bring your kid and he would hold your kid or walk your dog for you so just just him walking a big fucking frightening son walking your dog have you ever seen

mascots doing minute silence oh it's beautiful innit yeah unbelievable because they look like that they can't change their face they're designed with a smile so they're trying to angle the smile down.

But it's so good, man. It's so good. It's unbelievable. Oh, we're going to watch that in the break. What's the... Yeah, I can't ask another question. We'll do links for the tour dates. Yeah, go on.

Yeah. Go and watch him on tour. He's fucking great. Part four of four ray bradshaw is still here and we've got some correspondence from young finn we have we've got some advice we're ready to give some advice oh my god we're so ready ray what's 24 it's 24 yeah 215 115 oh it's just a simple yeah yeah yeah and then 1000 you just do one like comma instead of like 1000 yeah yeah why why why those numbers just because

of the way he said 100 or whether he just did the digits but it makes sense just yeah right this is anonymous uh if you've got any advice to send to us have a word pod at gmail.com lids i need some desperate advice. Basically I was out the other night and text my girl best friend saying I loved her when I was absolutely steaming. I've got a girlfriend and as I've come back to the sober mindset, I realise I don't love

my best friend, I love my girlfriend I've apologised about saying I love her but I still have a bit of guilt over my head. Love the pods. Please help me out I think he meant to i think he meant it yeah i think he meant it i think he's an idiot see me get drunk put your phone down yeah like i've never got the drunk texting or drunk tweeting or anything but i'm very honest when i'm drunk i very very lie when i'm drunk yeah i'm oh i like that because i know but you

you can get drunk and say stupid stuff and go what the fuck was i I on about there? I lie all the time when I'm drunk. But I feel like it comes from somewhere, though. There are many times I've been drunk. No, that's not necessarily true, you know. You can say some really fucking stupid stuff when you're drunk. Yeah. You can say stuff you regret.

I don't know if it's all lies. I told people I had a trial for PSG before when I was drunk. Like, I just make shit up. Fully as fuck. And it was actually Leon. See? Yeah, Vassio.

It's funny because me and Paul later are like that so it goes there but yeah you could just make shit up so I think no I think you can say stuff in anger when you're drunk

that is real that comes from a real place when you're being horrible to someone that is and you've been there when I've done that to a member of my family

and that was anger and like years of problems but like I think you can do stuff like this and just be like what the fuck was I doing there I've done that to a member of my family and that was anger and like years of problems. But like, I think you can do stuff like this and just be like, what the fuck was I doing there? Just being a fucking idiot. But it's not drunk. Being drunk gives you more confidence.

Maybe he just wanted her to say it back. That's what I mean. And like when she doesn't, he's downplaying it. So is that your argument? Okay, I get what you mean now. I'm saying it comes from somewhere. You don't just randomly say I love you to someone you do not love.

If you've got a girl best friend, it shouldn't even be in your head that you love her no I've got very close female friends yeah and the thought of bonking them is not far off

the thought of bonking like a fucking family friend do you ever think like a member of my family I'm not even messing I genuinely I think to be best mates with a girl

you have to not be attracted to them whatsoever of course like it has to be sibling like i've got friends who are girls who i who are attractive but i'm in no way attracted to them because we're so close and then there's other people who that doesn't apply to do you ever think see when it's an honest one do you think it's the same person each time just submitting different rom-com films and you don't know which film it is so that could be so we have actually we got one recently

or about two months ago that was the Joe Love Actually yeah yeah Colin Firth is it with the Portuguese oh yeah yeah we've read that out

that was just and it's a that's amazing it's a good one like she doesn't speak English I love her if I was a fan of this and I wanted my

just to take the piss it would be so satisfied if you put in the like a bit of love actually and watch us like debate it like it was a real problem just be sad i'm going yeah high quality yeah hi have a word i've got four friends who are jamaican and want to start a bobsled team that seems familiar my husband is Snape and he bought someone else a necklace. Have a word. Just made mine and Harry's life a bit more difficult. If we call bullshit, you've lost.

If you get it and you're like, well, that's Madagascar 2. Me and the king of the Ringtail Lemurs need to get off this small island. Hello, lads. I work for a drilling company and we've been recently tasked with flying into space and stopping the end of the world.

The Queen. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Oh, no. On a Friday. So what's the advice then?

Just, I think you need to have a long, hard word with yourself. Did they say if they told their girlfriend that they told the other person that they loved them oh

wank up for both of them and see which one you come to first that's it same thing like when a dog owner does that the mum is on one side

the dad's on the other no you want two dogs just start wanking when you see when the jizz goes is this for mummy or for daddy just start masturbating

in front of both of them if your jizz goes left oh it's the best friend the idea of someone wanking with a stop clock is funny though isn't it like trying to beat your PB

I think you've lost a friend maybe as well because she's going to be like oh does he have feelings to make it are we friends yeah because you'd be

constantly questioning whether it was real or he was just trying maybe the girlfriend did it to cause beef yeah maybe the girlfriend she was jealous no just trying to maybe the girlfriend did it to cause beef maybe the girlfriend she was jealous no she

did he not say he did it yeah I was just trying to cause beef I think once you make a move on a friend of yours they have to be in the same place or it's all in the toilet

isn't it yeah only in the atmosphere and also also if you leaned over to your missus and went hey

oh you don't fancy me well it's just bombing if you leaned over to your missus and went oh you don't fancy me well it's just bumming if you leaned over to your missus in the morning and went oh babe

you can never guess what I did last night yeah look at that same message he's the fucking biggest idiot I've ever met

yeah and I could be with that person keep it from her yeah okay if he wants to stay with his missus he's got to lie

is he told her yet or not no if he tells her it's over so he doesn't say he just says he's got to lie is he told her yet or not no if he tells her it's over he doesn't say he's just he's apologised

about saying he loves her I think that's to her isn't it that's all she's gone don't worry about it I don't think he's told the missus what would he have done

if she had texted back and gone oh my god me too what would he have done don't worry about that I was bevvied we'll just meet see you later

because if in his head if she'd replied yeah and he'd have been excited about that then he bevvied we'll just meet see you later because if in his head if she'd applied yeah and he'd have been excited about that then he needs to break up with his girlfriend doesn't he I think he needs to break up

with his girlfriend anyway yeah hide your phone when you're drunk yeah last thing that I want to do bit more advice this is from Dave McAvoy yes lads

how are we need a bit of advice so I'm a barber and this morning was working on my openly gay client. Now, I've been cutting this guy's hair for a while now, and he's cool, and he tips me well.

But my issue is, he confessed to me today that he has naughty thoughts about me and sometimes get a little chubby on when I'm cutting his hair. So when he told me, I just laughed it off and changed the subject. And now I don't know whether I feel comfortable cutting his hair anymore or how to deal with him.

Can the man dem help a brother out? Yeah, stop being a fucking gimp. What's wrong with a man fancying you? I think it's the fact that he's got a hard on. Imagine if it was a female hairdresser and you were like, babe, can I just tell you something? When you cut my hair, I get a right shove on. Yeah, but it's not the same thing, is it? It is.

It isn't the same thing. Give these gays equality. I'm giving them as close to equality as we can. It's disgusting. There is no implied threat of violence between two men like there is between a man and a woman. So it's not the same thing. I will bum your head off.

I fancy you. Are you threatening me? Yeah. You know what I mean? No. You know exactly what I mean? Yeah, you might feel uncomfortable. It's not the same thing.

It just fucking isn't. What if it's a small barber and a big gay guy? That's a good point, actually. I don't know what this barber needs to do. Just stop being gay and cut his hair. You might see it in the little thing as well. Have you seen the little rod on there? It's not on longer.

When you show him in the mirror, just angle it down. You've got a knob on again there, John. An old John. I know it feels like because he's gay, you don't want to be some homophobic douchebag and be like,

oh, it's so disgusting. But you are allowed to be like, hey, I'm not into that and it's not appropriate. It feels like I'm all... Oh, I'm team gay, hear me? I think the gay lads just like, yeah, you told someone you fancy them.

You put it out there. I don't hate the gays but I ain't bumming you so keep it to yourself it feels eh offensive that you kept a barber one for the day I'm on

like it doesn't feel like I can contribute much yeah Dan you've got to hide it nah if I was a barber and someone was like I think about fucking you

every time you cut me hair I'd just be like I'd take it as a compliment I'd be like nice one I'm into pussy me but sorry nice one lad nice one lad I meant to pussy me, but... Nice one, lad.

Put your dick away, though. Good on you. This is why I come down to a gay club. Oh, you look like you've got two scissors. I go down the village in Manchester all the time. I don't suck anyone's dick. I just like a compliment. Yeah, cheers.

Thanks. I would want to bum me as well if I were you. But I'm not gay. So back off. I'm watching the bum me as well if I were you. But I'm not gay. So back off. I'm watching the game. What is he fitness about? That's a pint of cheese. My cheese.

It's good for you. Protein. I love it when the gays compliment me. I think it's the ultimate compliment. Women are bound to one of those things. When it's a man, it's like... How many in a day before you worry? I would never worry.

Yeah, I think if you've had 25 gay guys go, fucking bum your head off gays see they're like i see you you know what i mean women's like you're a man i love cock gays are like i see you you're heavy yeah but how many of those compliments a day before you start going i may be able to change my top loads i won't care no you would the more the merrier no I no if I get 25 compliments in one t-shirt a day I'm buying that t-shirt in three different colours

yeah 100% I'm just telling you I reckon there'd be a I'm never happy when gays are coming onto me clip that

that is coming onto what yeah the use of the word coming was very poor girls form a queue you'll have to wait behind these boys That is... Coming on to what? Yeah, the use of the word coming was very poor. Girls, form a queue. You'll have to wait behind these boys.

They get priority. I'm never happier. I like that. So I'm getting that. I think our advice is learn how to take a compliment. No, Dan's advice is you're doing the right thing. Like, don't... No, you're allowed to just be like, hey, did you mind just keeping it to yourself?

Oh, he's just being a gimpenny. Oh, he fancied me. I can't cut his hair now. Cut his hair. Shut up. He's going to shove his cock up his ass. He's not trying to bum him, is he? He's not going, oh, cut me hair.

Are you kidding me? He's not doing that, is he? No, that'd be too far. Just get me a haircut. Yeah, that would be too far. I wouldn't be for that. But the little compliment I've got to chub on. What's wrong with that?

What is wrong with telling another man you've given him a chub on yeah more love in the world right cool so if you fancy anyone just tell them you've got a chub on for them so

A B there's nothing beautiful about saying what's wrong with getting a chub on and then taking a small swag of real like that

back down yeah tell if you want to tell someone I like you your face it's just more love in the world isn't it no i disagree it's not threatening is it i think you are allowed to be like hey shut up you're not allowed to say you're not allowed to then say shut up you big gay

you know you can be like no i'm not into it put your flaps away i just think i think that's equality. That's. Yep. Good. Right. By the way, I'd be like,

thanks, babe. Yeah. God, you cut my hair so quick. Yeah. Twice as fast. Right. One more bit of advice,

then I have a word. All right, lads. Need some stepdad advice. I live with my missus and her son who is nine the problem is that my partner puts rules in place for the kid which i go along with but she doesn't follow through with herself and i end up looking like the dick for example she decided that he must be in bed for 9 p.m so i'll tell him to go for a shower at half eight only for her to say no it's fine he can continue to watch tv for a bit and then he's up until about 10 also he isn't allowed food in his room and i'll walk in to find him munching on crisps she's given him this wouldn't bother me but she will then moan to me about these things

because we aren't enforcing these rules what should i do oh tell her to fuck off yeah like if what's the point in having rules if you're not going to do them so just fuck them up tell the kid that you know he gives you a little chub on because there's more more love in the world here you know

you know maybe that'll make he's got no kid either does he just stop enforcing the rules and when she's like oh John you fucking give him

a harry bow before yeah well so did you you daft cunt so shut up yeah you stop doing it I'll stop doing it I mean that's pretty

definitive yeah that's yeah it's quick she's giving them rules and they're not enforcing them why are you

what kind of fucking police community supports officer energy are you bringing to this step oh no there's rules I don't care if you

put them in place and you're not following them I will hey lock your bike up it must be annoying though she's a cop. I will. Hey, lock your bike up. It must be annoying though. She's a cop. Sounds like a fucking cuss. It must be annoying.

Lock your bike up. She's making him bad cop. He never locks his bike up. She's trying to keep the child's love. Yeah. He should just... I'm good, mummy, aren't I? No, no.

He will tell you you're not allowed to have Monster Munch, but you can have Monster Munch. Just good cop. I say, stay up till midnight, kid. Yeah, yeah. Have a doobie. Yeah.

Yeah. Have some pot. Have a can. Have a Heineken. midnight, kid. Have a doobie. Have some pot. Have a can. Start him a hooch. That's your fault, that woman. I'd find that really irritating. She sounds like a nightmare, by the way. I want nothing to do with that.

Would you raise another man's child? Yeah. That's my question. I would. Would you? I would. What if it was Harold Shipman's? What?

Harold Shipman's kid's about 49. He's got to be older than us, man. Would you raise a 49-year-old? I do. I mean, you're already raising a 42-year-old. Adam putting a 48-year-old to bed. Like, talking to men. Would you raise Harold Shipman's 49-year-old? Brian Shipman?

Brian? The guy's 58. He's already a grandad. Would you raise him, though? Batham. Hey, nice. Obviously, my dad's a murderer and he's dead, but...

I'd have no problem with that, though. I've spoke to girls in the past who were like single mothers and I've been like, I'll take it on. Yeah.

What would you do, though? What are you bringing to the table? What do you mean? Are you just doing what you... Are you going to be... Got your own fathering techniques? Or are you just doing what are you going to be got your own fathering techniques or you just that's just me i think it'd come quite naturally to me i'm gonna be a fantastic father all right what happens if you go on one day in the kids

especially with an older kid that doesn't give a shit about that's gonna be dead easy no but even if it was like a two-year-old i'd be i'd get involved the kids eat and you go home and he's like burning turtles in the garden yeah wrestling the back garden burning garden. Like, I used to burn in the turtles. It's naughty, that. And he'd be like, all right, Dad. I'd be like, oh, Dad, yeah? He'd be like, yeah. Yeah, and that'd be the end of that, wouldn't it? Yeah.

Do you know what? Always the advice of a guy. I was only burning these turtles because I didn't have a dad. You've fixed everything. Also, I was spending loads on turtles, so it's really going to get my alcoholics down. Yeah.

He's 49. And my dad was all, are you kidding? I love you dad he's got he's got turtles on fucking standing order

at pet zone another 12 this week yeah imagine if I had all shit with some gold you dad you're like dad

it's nice isn't it imagine would you like if you were single would you raise another one's child would that put you off you to a girl

and she was like, I've got seven kids. Seven. Or one, whatever. How many of them are Harold? Snow White. They weren't children, they were dwarves.

Same thing. Same thing. Wow, pal. Come on, one of them's sleepy anyway, that's only six. Of course I'd raise someone else's children. I'd do a bad job on purpose.

It's not mine, that. You gave him the gun. It's not mine. I'd be doing shit like incompetence. You weaponise it. I'd be like, I can't shit everywhere. It wasn't my fault.

Blame the dad. Where is he? I would not let that put me off. There's got to be a number, though. Of children? Yeah. Seven's too many. Seven is too many many five kids at home all girls five side footballs what you're raising fucking girls alone i've got five little daughters

these are my princesses yeah i think two is like me limit and two would be a push as well what age what age is your limit then because what are you now 31 31 so what age is your limit like 48

are we going no like that could be children like if they were adults then you're not raising them eyes that doesn't matter at all but like a 15 year old

would you take on a 15 year old oh that's difficult that is tough you're just doing the last 10 minutes yeah you're an injury time sub yeah I'm only going to soul shot there come on stop it then you're not even you're just doing the last 10 minutes aren't you yeah you're an injury time sub yeah I'm only gonna soul shot there

come on you're not even you're winding down the clock you're a centre half the truth is if you meet someone and she blows you away and you feel more in love

than you've ever she shoots you in the head she sucks you up you are gonna you're gonna put up with it you could it would be sad if you met someone and you were like,

you are the love of my life. I've never been so into anyone. And she was like, do you know I've got two kids from a former... And you were like, nah, I'm not into it. No, of course. That would be so on you.

But teenage would be difficult. 15-year-old lad who's like, fuck off. No, that wouldn't bother me. The age wouldn't bother me, really. Teenager, you'd also think, three years, fuck it. It'd feel like a prison sentence.

It wouldn't bother me at all, but I think the amount of kids is two or below and ideally it'd be one and if we're being really ideal it's not I think you should go to university

where? Aberdeen lovely campus yeah one child I think is sound especially if the dad isn't involved because then you can just be there two if she's dead for it

what if he's in Nick? what? what if the dad's in Nick? In prison, what's he done? Grand larceny, seven years. Good. He's defrauded a Fortune 500 company. It was 100%

not expecting larceny. Oh my God, we're doing some bingo today. It's barely made of. As long as his crime was non-violent, I think I could, it'd be fine. Would you shut it off like a violent crime did? Yeah, if there was like a murderer, I think I could... It'd be fine. Would you shut it off like a violent crime, then? Yeah, if there was, like,

a mayor that are in prison and I'm raising his little fucking child. He was robbing and selling bin lorries. I respect him. I'll just... Why'd you sell them? Yeah. To bin lorry drivers?

To different councils. To bin lorry drivers? You think the drivers own the bin lorries? They're freelance. Yeah. I'm going gonna have your bins it's a gig economy isn't it man

you gotta do it that way yeah I think I didn't know Steve was doing it either isn't that mad he's been close to me I've I've smelt him

I was like yeah he's there I think Adam's right there though you know an normal amount one or two I could maybe put up with the second one the first. I think Adam's right there, though. You know, an normal amount. One or two,

I could maybe put up with the second one. The first one, I think, is just fine. But ideally, the dad's not involved. I can't be arsed being like, oh, you're like Jim. And he's like, yeah, that was me kid. And I'm like, oh, good, because I'm raising him,

not you, you big daft swat. I can't be arsed by that. Where are you meeting Jim? What if he's dead sound? What if he's dead sound, though? Yeah, what if he's dead sound? You've made a mate? I think I'd find that harder. Nah. Nah, but it's a bad game.

He's like, oh, Adam, I love you. Stand up. Yeah. You'd want to play fives against him and just fucking over the knee first time he gets the ball. No, I'd want to meg him. Honestly, I wouldn't want to.

I'd want to embarrass him. You'd also want to batter him on FIFA. Oh, mate. Like Rainbow flipping it over his head and then as he tries to pull me back, I call Megs and Meg him and go back the other way

is that his style of play and then his ex-wife drives you home you've won call him Adam Neymar by the way yeah

not Meg him in front of his kids you basically own them kids yeah and if you call it if you call Megs and then Meg the dad

I think legally a man just appears and goes, there is kids now. Would you scan them? Pull their shorts down? Oh, you can't do that. Give him something. And suck him off? Yeah.

Well, if you pull him down and he's got a bigger boby than you, what would you do? Boby? Boby. Boby. Is that because of boby dick? Like Moby Dick? I don't think so, but fuck it, let's go with it.

Bobby? Is it meant to be Bobby? No, Bobby, B-O-A-B-Y. Bobby. Bobby. That's Bobby Dick, innit? Moby Dick, Bobby. Hang on, isn't it Joby or Pooh?

Joby. Joby. Yeah. I feel like we've learned a lot today, guys. What's Pooh in sign language? You just do like, shit, like out your ass. Shit. Or you can sing shit, like that, that's shit. But like, you just... What's crying? That's like shit. Like out your arse. Or you can sing shit. Like that, that's shit.

But like, you just. What's crying? That's Adam shit. Crying. And then shit. Shit. Two fingers down your right cheek, shit. That's crying shit.

You just finger spell Adam row. It's easy. Is that a pod? Yeah, it can be. Is that a pod? Yeah. I think it can be a pod ah it's a pod Ray

can you tell everyone where to find you on socials where your tour tickets are and when they're on sale if they're not already tourticketsraybradshaw.com if you're a ball ginger person go to doppelginger.net

get me at comedyray on the socials and what are you doing in Liverpool on the tour that's the one that's still getting put in so all the other ones

I've got Chester, Salford, yeah, I'm doing the Storyhouse in Chester. Oh, nice. Salford, the Lowry, a few others.

They told me they didn't have any dates available for the next two years. What does it? Storyhouse in Chester. Oh, they're not for you? That's right. No.

Far be it for me to have a go at all this stuff. I'll probably put the arena on Liverpool and say, it seems like any cunt can do it, so I'll do that too. They'll put that away

and do that. I thought you would have laughed at that. You took that seriously. Adam, are you doing an arena or something? Yeah. Are you excited? Where should they get tickets? Well, the second we hit stop,

I'm going to record a thing to go right to the start of the episode. So they hopefully have seen that. And it's adamro.co.uk or livenation.co.uk It's Saturday the 18th of May 2024 Tickets on sale the day this podcast goes live on Patreon and I imagine there will be some left on Monday for the public people

Go and see Ray Bradshaw do comedy He's one of the finest comics you will ever see He's a fucking funny dude Go and find him online We've got a song just for the audio. We don't play it on the YouTube because of rights. Have we got a up and coming artist for the audio?

So this one is from Chris McElroy who's in a band called McElroy. The E is a three. He's also the milkman for Rill. He's put in his email. That's good.

All of Rill. He needs to work on his bio. Yeah. So this is their tune called Raise It Up. He said it's a bit like meatloaf meets Bon Jovi meat Jovi? appreciate you Ray

thanks for listening Lyds bye Milkman bye please no one told me about it or how it's meant to be A lifetime spent just wondering

what to believe Oh, what the hell can I believe now? The time is right So live the life Just hold on tight Cause here we go And we will raise your hands

And we will lift We are the first Who makes the most singing We And we will raise your hands And we will lift We've just begun Raise it up, raise it up, raise it up

Everybody gotta raise it up Late nights, cold early mornings You seem so lost and new Same old blank face calling Seems so lost to me Same old blank face calling How to be free Yeah, and to say what they believe It's time to try

So get the light This will be falling out of hand And we will raise your hands and give love To God who stops, to God who rocks We are the push that makes the bus to the road And we will raise your hands to the side And God has stopped, we've just begun Raise it up, raise it up, raise it up

Everybody gotta raise it up Whoa, whoa Raise it up Whoa, raise it Whoa, whoa, raise it Whoa, whoa, raise it Every year we'll raise our hands in the air Kick out the stops, we've got to rock. We are the boys from Mason North singing. And we'll raise your hands to the sun.

Ain't gonna stop, we've just begun. Raise it up, raise it up, raise it up. Everybody gonna raise it up. Raise it up, raise it up Raise it up Raise it up you