Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #254 with Willa White - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: December 11, 2023

Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan's Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.ukComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, Sensei Carl's Big Fat Quiz and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsGet tickets for Finn's Liverpool gig: https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20Supreme CBD | https://supremecbd.ukStress less and sleep better with Supreme CBD using code WORD40 at checkout to get 40% off sitewideFüm | https://tryfum.co.ukHead to tryfum.com/HAVEAWORD and use code HAVEAWORD to save an additional 10% off your order today.BetterHelp | https://betterhelp.com/word10Get 10% off your first month!NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Become one of the lids:https://patreon.com/haveawordpodTickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comFind us everywhere:https://haveaword.pageDiscord:https://discord.gg/haveawordpodFollow the podcast, our hosts and our guest on social media:Have A Wordhttps://facebook.com/haveawordpodhttps://twitter.com/haveawordpodhttps://instagram.com/haveawordpodAdam Rowehttps://facebook.com/adamrowecomedianhttps://twitter.com/adamrowecomedyhttps://instagram.com/adamrowecomedianDan Nightingalehttps://facebook.com/danhasapodcasthttps://twitter.com/danhasapodcasthttps://instagram.com/danhasapodcastWilla WhiteADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening, lads? How are we? If you haven't seen the news yet, I am delighted to tell you all that on Saturday, the 18th of May, 2024, I am headlining the M&S Bank Arena in Liverpool with my stand-up tour, the What's Wrong With Me tour. It's the final date of the tour. We've sold out two shows at the Empire Theatre, so we've added the biggest room in the city, the M&S Bank Arena. Tickets are on sale now. They are already flying out the door and I'm dead excited. There's also some more dates being added in the next few weeks for 2024. Places I haven't been yet like Blackpool and stuff but the big one, the M&S Bank Arena, Saturday the 18th of May 2024. Me and

loads of my mates, loads of special guests, big surprises. Going to be the show of my life and I'll be delighted if all of you went and got your partners some christmas presents some last minute christmas presents tickets to see me adam rowe dot co.uk enjoy the episode it's a belter what's happening lids before we start today's amazing episode got to tell you about adam rowe's tour that is still on it is still on uh i've got some dates left this year and more dates into next year and it's been extended as far as May next year.

Some really big news coming soon. The big show left this year, Manchester Apollo on the 9th of December. There's still some tickets left up the back of the circle. Go and get them

and come and be part of the biggest night of my career as a personal, as a solo artist so far. I'm very, very excited but there are dates

all over the country and all over Ireland as well. adamrow.co.uk for all of your tickets. Now, this is the Hathaway podcast. I'm sure you're aware of that. But we have got the biggest and best Patreon in the UK and one of the biggest on the planet. Why is it one of the biggest and best, Daniel?

Because every week we do a Patreon exclusive, an hour, an hour and a half of just the lads talking shit. Hyperbolic's the best podcasting we do, and that's only available on Patreon. £3 a month, £5 a month, or £10 a month. You can pick your tier, but even from just £3 a month, you get access to the extra episode every week.

You get early access to these public episodes. And on top of that, the piece de resistance for us is our monthly Patreon specials. The roast of Adam and Dan. We've done two ghost stunts. The amount of lock and Dan we've done two ghost hunts the amount of lock-ins we've done in here where we all get pissed

there's so Nashville the ghost hunts oh my god there's so many are we up to about 25 plus now there's so many

there's so much content there and you get it all immediately the second you sign up for three quid patreon.com slash have a word pod pause the video

go and sign up and then come back because this week's episode is about it join the Lidda army get on me Wag Wag Lids you're listening to

the funniest podcast in the game from the heart of Liverpool with Adam Dan Sensei Carl and Finn this is the one and only

Have A Word brought to you by Manscaped, the very best products on the market for below the waist grooming. Go Ed, get on me. Welcome to the Have A Word podcast, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Adam Rowe and I'm hungover as fuck. And my name is Dan Nightingale. We're also joined by Carl Regal, a sensei Carl. Hi. And Finlay Coveluz. Coveluz? Coveluz. Say hello, you real bastard.

Adam is 31. He's a Liverpool fan. Bit of a fanatic. A stand-up comedian. Hell of a chef. Not as good a chef as he thinks he is, but a very good chef. Not last night.

My name is Dan. I am a father of two. Whoa, whoa, whoa he is, but a very good chef. Not last night. My name is Dan. I am a father of two. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no. Oi, oi, we're doing intros, you arrogant piece of shit. What was wrong with last night? Do you know what? Can't do fucking anything for fucking ADHD.

He just criticized my cooking. I know, I know. Just fucking put it on hold for two seconds. Go on then, do you think? No, I'm done. There was nothing wrong with the cooking. I'm done. We tried to talk about someone else.

Sorry. Go on, let's talk about someone else. I've never had roast tapas in my life. A gravy course. I forgot to do the gravy because I was pissed, okay? It's going to make for better content. It didn't make for better roast. I'm going to be honest.

But then again, I don't know. I don't know like i don't give a shit that gammon tasted that pink lamb that you did yeah salty and nice no good in a good way good salt yeah in a little quiet moment when adam we did a christmas special yesterday um and it's going to be out very soon for all the patreons where we did a christmas dinner and uh we got an insight into what it would be like for me and adam to do a cooking youtube channel oh nice and i quite enjoyed it i quite enjoyed it i think we should a beautiful dynamic where i was being an annoying prick trying to bug you and you were bugged and then you started getting pissed and then i wasn't pissed and then you started being drunk and annoying and I leveled out. It was quite fun to watch it happen.

And I, in a quiet moment, had to say, you think you're good at so many things, but you are actually quite good at cooking. You are good at cooking. I'll give you that. The roasties.

But I think half a bottle of Maker's Mark and Argentinian Malbec and four Peronis didn't help your process as a chef. And is that fair? Fair. Yeah, yeah. Is that fair? So that's Adam Rowe, ladies and gents. Go on, Dan, continue.

You are Dan Nightingale. I'm Dan, and that's Carl, and that's Finn. What's your redeeming features? His assistant sous chef. Oh, that's not right, is it? Assistant to the sous chef. Oh. No, he's not a sous chef.

I love you for that. Thanks. It's an office reference. Oh, that's not right. Assistant to the sous chef. No, he's not a sous chef. It's an office reference. Oh, nice. Why don't you name the sous chef? It'd be funny though. You'd be boring for the job, wouldn't you? Yeah. Imagine. We've had a lot of questions come in to my social media.

You've had what? Questions. You've had what? Questions. You've had what? Questions. Nice. I always have to press the imagine button. Press it again if you want. How many? Questions. Like a load of? Questions.

I mean, at what point is? It bothers me so much. I've got it. It like tickles my spine. Why does Carl say just a noise? I don't know, but I hate it. Just answer the question. Anyway, you've had a lot of questions.

I love you, Carl Regan. How about Les Dennis? Yeah. Friend of the pod. Friend of the pod. Friend of the pod. He is now. He is. So what happened,

people... He shouldn't be, because you cunts have been winding him up for 12 years, but it turns out he's the soundest man in the world.

Well, here's what happened. Right, if you've missed all of this, welcome. I am doing the M&S Bank Arena on Saturday, the 18th of May next year.

Tickets are on sale right now on Live Nation's website, Ticketmaster, the venue's website. But you can get it all just by going to adamrowe.co.uk. To promote that, I needed a sketch to promote, to announce that it was on sale. And me and Will were getting pissed and poked. And we had just enough Guinness and whiskey when Will turned to me and said,

why don't you text Les Dennis and see if he'd do it? And then I was like, I haven't got his number. And he was like, didn't you get his number a while back? And I was like, actually, I think I did. So I looked at my phone and I had Les Dennis' number. So I text him and said, I just text him and said, Jake Paul, Les Dennis.

Oh yeah, I've got it. It's a really short contact. I just text him and was like, P and D next to each other you've got to I've only got two contacts on my old phone I have got it

I just texted him and said Les I'm doing the arena in May and I need a sketch to announce it you fancy being in one tomorrow

and he said I can't come to Liverpool sorry I'm rehearsing for the Panto in Northwich and I said well what about if we come to Northwich and he said, I can't come to Liverpool. Sorry, I'm rehearsing for the Panto in Northwich. And I said, well, what about if we come to Northwich? And he said, all right, sounds.

So we drove to Northwich. And when we got there, I had to be like, right, Les, here's the thing. You know that horse stuff where everyone thinks you're a horse? That was just that. And that is the point in the day where he could have gone, genuinely, you've pissed me right off. Yeah, leave Northwich.

We were, for genuine, nervous. we were nervous telling him oh genuine genuine i was genuine mister oh lord i was genuine so scar i was scar i was walking in like oh this old man could tell us to fuck off here and he would have every right to so we had a full crew with us let's be honest you'd go to northwich to be told to fuck off by les dennis 45 minutes yeah hour and a half round trip first story go on sorry um we had a full crew with us but we decided we didn't want to ambush him so we just went in with me carl will and the camera because we thought if he's going to tell us to fuck off we need that on camera you know yeah so we're walking

and he was walking towards the front door as we walked in the building trotted and he goes you alright I was like yeah thanks for being in this

I went right he goes have you got like a script that I can have a look at and I was like yeah I said well there's the thing lads that horse stuff was us and you could see

there was a moment where he looked and was like right and I went so it is horse related but you don't have to do it if you don't want to and he went just kiss the script he said give us 10 minutes and then come back and we'll do it uh he was like we'll draw the line under this be funny so i had written the lines and the idea i had was that he would be like

your little cunt he was gonna batter me like i want some stomping on me and beating the shit out of me and just saying you know i had to to do a DNA test for Strictly. You got me kicked off. Corey, all this sort of thing. I didn't write or suggest at any point that he acts like a horse. Nope. And we didn't know he was going to do it until he was doing it. Yeah.

How many takes did you have to do? Because that's the first take. Yeah, but the one you see is the first take. Yeah. Yeah. One take that you see. Yeah, but the one you see is the first take. Yeah, yeah. One take, lads. Yeah. But how did you not, when he started going, when he was throttling, you're going, pfft.

Yeah. How were you not just pissing your, like- I was. I'm just, the camera's on him, so you can't see my face. Oh, right, beautiful, beautiful. Because it doesn't look like you're- Oh, honestly, I thought I was genuinely dead. Do you know like when people come out of a coma

and they're like, oh, I've been living like a different life for like 10 years while I've been in a coma. I'm convinced that that's what's happened. And this isn't real. You're not real, you. Like there's no way any of this is real anymore. You're in the Matrix. It was one of the most ridiculous days of my entire existence.

Joe, it's weird as well. None of us are actors that we all know. And we don't deal with it. He is an actor, but he's not like, you know, it's weird as well. None of us are actors that we all know and we don't deal with it. He is an actor but he's not like, you know, it's Les Dennis. When he switched into actor mode

it was like, what the fuck? Because he's really shy and unassuming. Yeah. When we got there he was like, yeah.

I'm not trying to wank him off just because he's been in the game at a decent level for 40 years. He knows what to do. That's great to hear. It was weird to see live. Handsome bastard back in the day as well.

You watch old family fortunes, mate, when he's like, hey, say what you see. He is a good looking man. He was fucking not on a man to hold note. Yeah. Don't do that for free. How lucky for her. Because she's a fucking moose.

Look at him now. Oh, Jesus. That is a peak of her shot. By the way, if you're listening, Les, because you might do, you're the good lad. Well done. Yeah, and a lot of people have been like,

oh, how much have you had to pay? How much of my Patreon money has gone on this? Les Dennis did it for free. Yeah. He neighed and spat on me and trotted off. An air hay. For free. So the hay thing, I was nervous to ask him to eat hay.

Right? Because I was like, maybe that's a bit too much. So I was just like, right, I'll get him to do it all. And then at the end, I'll be like, we've got some hay. Do you fancy having it? Because you've got to remember, I didn't write him to act like a horse. And the idea I had was, he's beating me up being like, oh, I'm not a horse.

You cheeky cunt. But then he goes around the corner, and he gets some hay out of his pocket and has a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So after the first take take when he did that, I went, well, Les, could we try one where you're not acting like a horse, but then at the end of it, you eat a bit of this hay?

Yeah. And he goes, ah, I think it's just better if I do it this way. So I went, oh, don't go and get the hay from the car. He went, no, no, no, still get the hay. We'll just do both. He doubled down on the horse. Yeah.

Yeah. He wanted to be the horse. Yeah, yeah. He wanted to be a horse. Horse squared. Yeah. Mate, can we just give... This is for Les. Also, you're a fucking good actor, you, mate. Mate.

You're good at acting. It's annoying. Your being strangled face was great. And Jack Finnegan... Oh, he's not here. Jack Finnegan's good as well. No. What?

No, he isn't. What? What do you mean? he's not here. Jack Finnegan's good as well. No. What? No, he isn't. What? What do you mean? He's not good at acting. He is quite good at acting. He's so bad that he comes across well. He's incredible at everything. He's a talented, confident lad.

He can do anything, but he is not a good actor. Well, I tell you what, he comes across very well in the videos. You could work on your lines a little bit. Sharpen up a bit, God. But yeah, I want to do more acting. Leave it, lad! So funny.

That was riffed by the way, not riffed. I want to do more acting. I want to do more serious stuff. After the tour next year, I think I'm going to write a period drama. Oh, yes. Right, hang on. Just let me...

That lesbian pause. Guys, take a pause. Right, limbering up. I'm only joking about the period drama, but I do want to raise the drama. No, don't say you're joking. No. What period?

Well, I don't know what period drama is. That's why I backed off it. 2005, Istanbul. 2005. Drama. It's all said at halftime in the stands. It's just a fucking watch along. Jesus, it was tense here.

Look at Jersey fucking about. I do want to... I'd like to go into acting at some point. I think I've conquered what I need to do for a while with stand-up. You know, big tour, doing an arena. I think after that, I'm going to take a little break and do a bit of serious... Take some serious roles.

Do you know what period dramas are? No, that's why I was know what period dramas are? No, that's why I was joking about period dramas but I want to be in drama. No, but that's a very serious role. That's one of the most

serious roles you can do. Yeah. It's my worst nightmare as well. I would love to see you fight a director when he tells you what to do. No, I'll have to write

and direct and star. Write and direct and star in a period drama and you just went, I don't really know what periods are. What do you call them? Because it's like Pride and Prejud went, I don't really know what periods are. What do you call them? Because it's like

Pride and Prejudice, Bridgerton, all that shite. The famous ones. You just need to get off the period drama. It's not going to be a period drama.

No, it should be. No, like an action film or something. An action, now, here we go. An action period drama. Because have you ever seen a high speed

carriage chase I think oh my god gap in the market through the streets of Liverpool get Les Dennis the 1820s

one Les oh my god like a Sherlock Holmes but for like Scouse Liverpool was a huge rich

city early 19th century let's not get into how it was rich, but it was rich. Oh my God. Shergar Holmes, get Lesney. Please, it'd be fucking brilliant. Like a crime-solving

scouse detective just roaming the streets. Bit of a bad lad. I did have an idea. Part of gold. But this would have to be more modern, I think. Here we go. Where I am a detective slash lawyer. So not only do I put the case together, right? So I put the case together.

I build it for years. But then I leave the game because of the corruption within the police force. So I can't do this anymore. But then I end up defending the guy that I fingered for the crime. That's the Lincoln lawyer, isn't it? No. What? Is it not? Is it? It sounds like. That's the Lincoln lawyer, isn't it? No. What?

Isn't that? Is it? It sounds like the plot of the Lincoln lawyer. Right, what about... What about... Have you just seen the Lincoln lawyer? I love that film as well. Adam's ADHD is amazing.

What about... What about you get sent to prison for a crime you didn't commit? Here we go. Right? I have to get myself out. Yeah, you have to get yourself out. Morgan Freeman's your best mate.

No, that's a bit on the nose. out Morgan Freeman's your best mate nah no that's a bit on the nose Lenny Henry's your best mate in there and I dig me way out with a spoon fork yeah yeah fork because we don't want to

plagiarise or anything seven miles of fucking shite what he got stuck in a tunnel seven miles seven what was it

seven like seven of the yards. Are you talking about the series, The Lincoln Lawyer, or the film? The film. Yeah. No, that's not the plot of The Lincoln Lawyer. I think you should be this fish

that gets separated from his dad. Honestly, just spitballing ideas. Spitballing ideas. You should play the dad. And you'd be like, where is he? And you'd just go looking for him. Vinny! Vinny! Swim, swim, swim, swim.

You meet this daft old bitch who's like, what, what's happening? Been in a car crash. Be brilliant. That'd be great. Good idea, fresh idea. Finding Vinny. Nice.

You could grow up in New York and become a mob, a part of the mob called Henry. And you know, those are good. You can't be called Henry. Harry. Harry. Hey, I'm Harry Rowe. Harry Rowe?

That sounds like racist Swedish. It does. Can I have a bag of Harry Ross Carl what I think I genuinely would like to write some serious stuff next year

and use Will to film it yeah Will's gonna blow us on head off yeah well Will's dead by April so let's make the most of it yeah can we get that series done before Will's head clean fucking pops off

Dan what are you drinking there? Sneak mate what flavour? when I want to write a period drama with my work partner I use sneak Are you

All I'm saying is Are you up for Acting In some stuff If I write you a role Am I Me Yeah

You don't have to do all that Oh that's I want you to play Like A lot more understated You know like I can picture you Sat on like a porch

With a little biff Oh yeah I tell you Where's the glasses I tell you What is it like Exactly what I told I can picture you sat on a porch with a little biff step. Oh, yeah. Where's the glasses? I'll tell you. What I told my son back in 1843. Oh, really? Live hard, die young.

Is this the detective one? He told his son to live hard, die young. And he's older than him. Great. He's going to work on the script. You know, the play is set in 1820. I see you as a dad. I remember what I told my son in 1843.

Stop time travelling. It's fucking making the script weird. Live fast, die young. Time travel to fuck. What? The time travelling lawyer. Yes. Slash the table.

That's a great idea. It is, isn't it? He goes back and makes sure his client doesn't do stuff. And then he comes back. What about if he does the murder and then frames people? Then that's how he gets his work. Oh, great. Let's not edit this out. We don't want to lose this to Hollywood.

Ah, we see you, Hollywood. The time-travelling lawyer. But the twist, she's a lesbian. Oh, it's a girl. That's a waste, isn't it? What? Trying to get this commissioned by the BBC. What's going on?

We can cooperate with that, wouldn't we? Yeah. Time-travelling lawyer goes back, and she's like, hey, don't be fucking killing people. I'll make you cum, love. And then she makes someone. So, hang on.

She's a time-travelling... Lesbian lawyer. She's a time-travelling time time traveling lesbian lawyer yeah right and you're playing her well let's be honest it's 2023 yeah it's going to be out in 2024 time traveling isn't it oh nice it was out two years ago oh smart yeah this has got legs spread them so you're a time traveling lesbian lawyer that goes back and fingers people so they don't kill people. What are you lawyering back in the future?

Well, where have I? What? The lawyer. What are you lawyering? Well, if you stop people killing themselves. Big cases. Big case. Or what if he gets a case and he's like, did they do it?

And the time travel's about to find out if they did it. No, it's shit. Lawyers don't need to know. They just need to know what to fucking say to get them off me. All right. So the time traveling is completely pointless then? Yeah, I can time travel, but I actually just enjoy my work as a lawyer.

Adam's having a moment. It's not the Lincoln lawyer. That plot I wrote before is not the Lincoln lawyer. And I'm convinced it could be a hit. he builds the case it's watertight yeah and no one can possibly defend his defendant oh who are you pitching this hang on hang on hang on it wasn't finding nemo and now the lincoln lawyer is he's defending the kid finds out he's a bad cunt yeah but still defends him anyway yeah but defends him in a way that he loses. Now imagine that with time travel and lesbians.

So kind of is that, because he's against them, but acting like he's with them. No, no, but he's going to defend this guy. I'm going to defend this guy and get him off. While getting yourself off with ladies. Have you ever seen Sleepers? No, but I know it's your favourite film. It's not my favourite film.

It's the one you mention the most as a film that you like. Have you ever seen Loopers? With Bruce Willis? Yeah, it's such a good film. Fuck me, that is... I've seen the bloopers. That sounds the same. Really good film. Good sci-fi.

Yeah, it's the same guy that does Knives Out, that one. Is it? Yeah. Excellent. Bruce Willis is having a very bad time. I knew you were going to say that. I knew you were going to say that.

Yes, he is. Do you know where Blab hits? Is it early onset dementia? Do you know Blab hits? What's the facial recognition thing? Recognising someone. Yeah, what is it though? early onset dementia or what's the facial recognition thing we um we are recognizing someone yeah what is it though

but how many blackheads got that you know early well he can't recognize people's faces yeah twice as much a good actor

uh why does it make him a good actor because he's like when he's like acting with kevin spacey he's like he does another thing that's kevin spacey he thinks it's the actual character

so he can get away with it more yeah what's it called uh pros prosopagnosia yeah prosopagnosia yeah another thing that's Kevin Spacey. He thinks it's the actual character. So he can get away with it more. What's it called? Prosopagnosia. Prosopagnosia? I know a woman who's got that. She recognises people from their smell.

Helen Keeler. From their smell? She recognises from their smell and their silhouette. So if you lose weight and you change it after shave, she's like, you've got your pants in the dark. She's like, Dad? I don't understand you changed aftershave. Genuinely. You just put your pants in the dark. She's like, Dad? What? She...

I don't understand. It's been explained to me. This is... Right, we're back to eggs. There's things I don't understand. Right. And I... I know about this,

you can ask me. Finn's got Google open. I don't get it. What do they see? They see faces. They see your face, but they don't know they've seen it before. Is it like watching a documentary where they've like... No.

Yeah, sort of. But it's like seeing the face for the first time. I never did nothing. It's like seeing the face for the first time. Look at me. Look at me right now and pretend you don't know me. I can't. I can't.

Exactly. I can't. I can pretend I don't know you. Watch. Nice. For you. God, you're going to be such a good actor. Adam, the time-travelling lesbian lawyer about to start filming.

Shit, I'll get in character. I'm there. I love pussy. Nope, that was still me. Sorry. That's a flaps. In your head, you've got like a catalogue of, you put Adam's face and go, that's Adam Rowe.

Obviously very quickly. Oh, wait, like you're doing like an incredibly quick guess who. Yeah, but that catalogue does make sense. These are all my faces. So you just can't see, you just can't put name to face. Yeah, it also says sometimes they don't even know their own face. Yeah. So they look in the mirror they're like

fucking hell jeff yeah yeah it could be jeff yeah isn't that mad i yep cool i know you've just explained to me they just don't recognize people so like when you see someone for the first time and you don't know them because you don't know them that's how they feel every time they see you even if they know you are so how do they know you are you smell and you and your height and your silhouette they don't recognize you by your face but they can recognize you by other voice maybe as well yeah it says it says here i'm on the nhs website hey i'm done on the nhs website it says they could also have trouble recognizing other things such as cars or animals. So maybe they think cars are like...

How are these cunts still alive? Do you know what I mean? Like brands of cars. Is that my sister-in-law? That's a Ford Cortina. Get out of the road. Trying to hug a fucking transit van. What do you mean? No, it's not like they don't know, oh, that's a car. They just don't

know that that's their car. They don't know that's a car. Oh, they're a that that's their car. They don't know that. Oh, they're a nightmare in a car park, aren't they? Yeah. When they're trying to fucking chat to all the cars. Yeah. Brian? No, they don't confuse cars with people.

Oh, sorry. They know cars are cars. They just don't know whether it's their car. Do they know what a letterbox is? They just can't catalogue things as easy as we can. Yeah. Right. There's shit in Argos. Oh, nice. Nice. It shit in Argos. Ooh.

Nice. Nice. Don't exist anymore. It's all on screens. Yeah. What's Bruce Willis got? He's got aphasia. Yeah.

He's forgot how to speak in there, hasn't he? Yeah. It's like locked in. Is it Wernicke's aphasia or Broca's aphasia? Huh? Is it Wernicke's aphasia or Broca's aphasia?

I don't know. Two different types of asfasia right just to make the most of the time you've got with me i'm convinced i've got aphasia by the way this is my new one which one aphasia since you heard about it 14 seconds ago no no i i knew about it ages ago but yeah yeah when bruce will diagnosed, I was like, that's what I've got, 100%. Oh, they've also said it's front temporal dementia. Yes. Neurodegenerative. And he's, what, 60 years old?

He is. Yeah, he's roughly that, isn't he? I think he's 63. 68. Plus five. You want me to finish? Oh, Lord. If I get ill...

There's nothing you can do about it. I'm not going to tell anyone about it. No, you can't do that. I've decided. The signs wouldn't be there either. Why? The signs wouldn't be there. Oh, because I'm bald? Nice.

Oh, you mean like cancer, though? Yeah, I'd put it on my Instagram stories, but I wouldn't talk about it. Why? No, I'd keep it quiet. I'm just a big it. Why? No, I keep it quiet. I'm just, I'm a big character. How's your toe? What?

Oh, yeah. It's fine. It's still there? Probably fine. Has it changed? What? Has it changed? No, it's still lumpy.

Yeah, it's fine. Don't worry about it. Would you genuinely keep a serious illness to yourself if you wouldn't tell us? I'd want to. I think you'd like legally serious illness to yourself if you wouldn't tell us? I'd want to... I think you'd like legally have to tell us. Is this you telling us? What do you mean I have to legally tell you?

Business partners. Business partners, yeah. I have to legally tell you I'm ill? Yeah. I'd say so, yeah. Because it will affect your decision making when it comes to the business. Right.

Well, I think I might have hemorrhoids. Not that. That's fine. Okay, cool. I've got an itchy asshole. Like, you don't need to know about that. Well, no, I demand to know it. We're business partners.

Scratchy scratchy. No, but if you're going to be getting all fucking loopy doopy and making bad decisions, hemorrhoids aren't going to make you make bad business decisions. Maybe I've got cancer of the arsehole. Maybe you have. The barsehole. The barsehole.

Cancer of the arsehole. Like, need to know. That is a bad one. Yeah. You can't have an arse-ectomy. You the arsehole. That is a bad one. You can't have an arse-ectomy. You just shit it off. Oh, God. By the way, the girl with no arsehole

coming to Channel 4. The girl with no arsehole. Honestly, who's watching? Channel 4, concentrate. Netflix, the time-travelling lesbian lawyer and the girl with no arsehole. Come on. We've got the ideas. Let's watching? Channel 4, Concentrate, Netflix, the time-travelling lesbian lawyer, and the girl with no arsehole. Come on. We've got the ideas.

Let's make them. Yeah, it's a split now. And Finding Vinny. Go on. I met someone the other day who knew about the no arsehole people. Yeah, there's hundreds of thousands of people who know about it

because you talk about it on the internet every week. No, no, no. Who was I with the other day? Was I with you, Will? Did you say the no arsehole people? Like they're a group? They are a group. It's a group of people

and they don't have arseholes. I'm sure there's meetings for them, isn't there? My name is John and I am going to arsehole. Thanks, John. It's AA, isn't it? What? AA.

The absence of arseholes. Come on, that was fast yeah it was a away but it is a thing no you've you've for years absence assholes can you google that can people be born when i was a bumhole and get one plumbed in they can i've googled it um there's a hovington post article my baby was born without an anus this is what i learned about it and um my baby was born without an anus how long how long can you go before you gotta plug plug one in well you've probably got a week also says that a chinese man lived 55 years without an anus there you go the headline is holy crap chinese dude lived 55 years without an anus cool is it the telegraph

it's NBC news yeah let's have a look what he says so it's one in every 5000 infants is born with a misplaced blocked or missing rectum misplaced

the maternity ward was just full of like lost arseholes come on Gene stop losing the bumholes so that so that with this chinese man they put it just underneath his bollocks they put a hole shoving up me bollocks literally wow so that sounds gross but medley speaking he had a colostomy a procedure that created less than a quarter inch wide surgical hole, which substituted as his anus. It was located closer to his scrotum

in a more forward position on his body than rear. You'd leave skids all the time. Oh, God. Shitty bollocks. Every blowjob is bum play. Ooh. It was Alfie. I was talking to Alfie. His auntie was born with two assholes, and that's how the conversation bum play. Ooh. It was Alfie. I was talking to Alfie.

His auntie was born with two arseholes. And that's how the conversation came up. Sorry. Oh, you'd definitely rather have two arseholes than none. Wouldn't you? We had a question, actually. We had a question in recently. If you could pick a place for your arsehole to be

that wasn't your arsehole, where would you put it? Solemifoot. It is so in the perfect place already. But you're not allowed. Brilliant, intelligent design. It makes me religious. Knowing where my arsehole is makes me believe in God. Where else would you possibly put it?

The bottom of your foot. What? The bottom of your foot. No. And you're walking in shite all day. No, you're not. You're not shitting all day. The only disadvantage to

the arsehole being there is that it makes 69s potentially a little smelly don't it for who for the man everyone involved what are you talking about why is the woman under there if you're 69 in don't 69 your woman after she's been finished right you've been you've been smelly 69 in i'm just saying. There's a chance that it's going to... If it's upside down, the woman should be on top. She shouldn't be near you, arsehole. You what? All 69s have a nose near an arsehole, surely.

No, but... It depends how big your dick is, really. Her nose should be nowhere near your arsehole. I've got quite a thing. She should be on top. Is she actually on the bottom? Do you know what a 69 is, Carl? Yeah. Yeah, but the way it works...

Isn't a blowjob the same then, isn't it? Arseholes and noses are closer together because it's 69. Isn't it? Yeah. I don't mind having my nose up a girl's bum all the time. No, neither do I actually. Especially after they've been to the gym

what? yeah like it doesn't bother me as long as she hasn't like freshly pooed it's fine what how long freshly pooed what's your window there

like I don't know 5pm 69 3pm shit a couple of hours go and have a shite you know wipe it up if she's at yours how soon after using the Japanese toilet

is it sound oh five minutes. Instantly, yeah. That is a clean arsehole. You could eat your dinner off it, and I would. Put a chili con carne up your arse, girl. I'll eat that. Do you know what?

Second thoughts. Second thoughts. If I had stage four cancer, I'm not sure I could keep doing the podcast. I don't think if you were like, oh, I've got six months to live, you could sit here going, no, Carl,

it's like you don't know what a 69 is and where the arseholes are. What else would you be doing? What? Building sheds. This is the best thing you can ever do. That is the alternative. But yeah, like,

I know what you mean. 69s. But the woman's on top. Yeah, but it's his nose in here, bummo. Yeah, I know. That he's worried about. but it's his nose in her bummo yeah that he's worried about and her nose goes nearer your bummo

Carl Carl you cannot argue with me on this no nearer than a blowjob though yes no it is what you talking about because normally like

when you're getting sucked off right Carl when you're getting sucked off yeah her head's here isn't it so the mouth is low and their nose is above is above the cock

so their nose is near. Spin that around. She's facing the other way. It's as the crow flies. It's much nearer. Right, I'm with you. There you go. As the crow flies.

Yeah. He is right. Also, I wasn't being dead serious, but I was like, no, the nose is no different than a normal blowjob. How are you getting blowjobs? Madness. Spider-Man blowjobs? Madness. Spider-Man blowjobs. She's very supple, though.

Look at her, on the ceiling. She knows what she wants. Who, Laura? So where would you have your anus? I'm happy with my anus. The question is, you can't have it there. Where else in your body are you having it? Half an inch up or down there.

I'd have it right on my foot lump. On the back of your head would work as well. Oh, no. I get what you're saying, though. It's in the right position because... It is in the right position because you get a nice sit down, don't you? What? I love it how you really try.

I'm trying. You're trying really hard. Bottom of my foot, easy. Yeah. Because you could be like, oh, pull my finger and then fart somewhere. You could really direct a fart, couldn't you?

Exactly. If you were in bed, you could just literally get the fart out of the bed. You could literally put a fart in another room. Just like reach your leg around and be like, what? If we're doing that, you could just literally get the fart out of the bed. You could literally put a fart in another room. Just like reach your leg around and be like, what? If we're doing that, that's just like hassle.

I'd just have it in my hands then. Two arseholes, one on each hand. Like Iron Man. Shitty Jesus. Silly conversation. Should we have a break? Should we have a break? Sure. Nice. I love it. Welcome back to a break? Should we have a break? Sure.

Nice. I love it. Welcome back to part two of this week's Have A Word podcast. Nothing has happened. We're all just having a nice time. How are you, Dan? I'm having a great time. Genuinely having a wonderful time.

And I'm glad you are all as well. Finn's got a new beard. I have. What's her name, Finn? John. Definitely not true. He's going to go John. Finn's Oh, that's definitely not true. He's rather go, John! Finn's gay.

Finn's just come out as gay. Well, I put it on the internet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you made them gay. Well, I took a picture of my dick in his arsehole and then put it online. I didn't see the problem with it because I was just like, it's a nice pic.

That's genuinely just made me sick. Because you're a homophobe. You bumming him? Yeah, that's homophobia. No, it is. Why has it made you sick Because you're a homophobe. You bumming him? Yeah, that's homophobia. No, it isn't. Why has it made you sick? Karl is a homophobe. I know he is.

Why would that make you sick? The thought of my friends having anal sex. What's wrong with that? That's homophobic. No, it isn't. I think about you having anal sex all the time. Mate, I... With who?

Constantly. That's how I get to sleep at night. Who's doing that scenario, Karl? sex all the time? Mate, I constantly... That's how I get to sleep at night. Who's doing that scenario, Kyle? Do you never get like a... Intrusive thoughts. Are you keen over here? I've got a stand-up bit about it that you haven't seen yet.

You know, people count sheep. I imagine you getting bummed. I just keep counting the men that bum you. And it's great when did you fall asleep 4372

that's what he does to get up after the third wank after the third wank then I drop off right we've got

some correspondence we're going to start with a stand up question I think we've got some what questions alright great

I love it I love when they send in it really irritates me. It's just a putt moment to do. Yeah. I can't. Honestly, it really bothers me.

Look, if I do this, he's going to say, I don't know what it is about it, but it gives me anxiety. Do you want me to say it then? Yeah. Okay, go on. To be fair, Adam,

you've got bigger things going on right now. Go on. Where's John? Do it again. Sorry, this blow. Question. You said you were going on right now. Go on. Where's John? Do it again. Sorry, this blow. Where's John? You said you were going to change it. Do you know what?

We'll get it as a button. I don't know what it is. We'll get it as a button and you can't hear it then. Yeah, that's better. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know what it is. Really? A button that repeats.

Why is that? Well, let's make... Is it a homophobe? Is this a trauma thing? I love cocks in men's houses. I think it's great. Everyone have the fun. More pussy for me.

Well, I'm subbing that on Sunday night. What a brilliant way to be pro-gay. Yeah, I'm anti-lesbian. They're fucking really getting into my stats. But I'm pro-dick and arse gay. Love the gay. As many gays as you want. Right, this first question is from...

Yeah, no, we need a clean... No, because we want to get it on the soundboard for you this because I can't have it honestly I can't show you how much it bothers me oh no you see

you talked over it again oh no you're going to have to do it again we need a clean cut question a lot louder

why does that bother me so much now you see you talked over it question what do I I'm going to do it three times

question question question that's the one so this god i'm having a good time this first well let me just check my um notifications oh yeah loads question is from comments on your new picture done yeah saw dan at leicester square theater and carl donnelly was one of the supports and he did an incredible bit about shower gels. So I was just wondering, what's the most mundane topic you've ever had a killer stand up about?

That shower gel bit is one of those ones where it starts, Carl Donnelly is fucking brilliant. And he's also doing his boozy advent calendar at the moment. So go and follow Carl Donnelly on Instagram. He's in Australia at the moment supporting, is it Flanagan or Bridges? I think it's Bridges. And he is, he's in australia at the moment supporting is it flanagan or bridges i think

bridges and he is he's done really i mean mate he's a perrier nominated fucking comic but he should be even bigger than he is and you start watching that bit and you're like oh it's just one of them gentle observations where you're like oh that fucking fucking tea tree oil shower gel. It's something so simple. And you start and you go, oh, this will be good. And when it's in the 17th minute, it's got foot, like it's so mental. It's nearly his whole 20 minute set. If he chooses to do that bit and it builds and it builds

and it's so wonderful. He's such a creative standup, but he's just dealing with such a simple subject matter super bit of stand-up and the fact that it's just about a fucking shower gel makes it even better i love carl donnelly um i don't have many mundane stuff i'm jealous of comics huh yours are all thoughts and ideas aren't you yeah when you started out were you going for that kind of observational comedy did you never even uh i was quite one-linery when i started really not like what not like puns but like i was jokes and they and i hated it and i was very unnatural on stage i didn't like it at all

and it was when i started doing stories that i got work and got better and then it was that's when you first see me and i like when i was doing sort of probably doing the nelson mandela story and stuff like that your club comic yeah yeah there was that bit um and then when club comic came around really that was like that was more acerbic and opinionated stuff like uh do you like the way to say it i just i love when people widen their vocabulary it's beautiful i've been spending a lot of time what nothing um it was a lot more opinionated sort of outward stuff and talking about things but it was never like shower gels and the different types of butter i've seen ivo graham once do a routine about uh the the choice between

getting a london northwestern railway train or the virgin train which is now avanti and it was about a 10 minute bit and he opened with it at hot water it was fucking great and it's so comics who can see like the the the mundanity and the the humor in mundanity i am jealous of it james acaster is probably the absolute best james acaster's unbelievable at it um donnelly's up there and danny mclaughlin danny's so good i had a bit i've i think i've mentioned this on the podcast but i had a bit about feeding a chili flavored knobby's nut to a squirrel that was a really oh did you see that bit it was really it was like a really fun bit and it worked at a lot of gigs but i also did some pretty rough and ready gigs like you know like without

like there's gigs i don't want to say the promoter but you know those gigs like in and around manchester like at sort of cricket clubs where it's good it's a good gig but they're not fucking around sort of thing and um i think i told you this i did gig for mike wilkinson in the lake district at his local fucking pub or something he put some acts on and i did that bit and um it didn't go great and apparently the weekend after he went in his local and um a guy came up to me went went, yeah, very good, very good, very good. Some of the fucking jokes, though. I mean, you could hardly call them jokes. Some of the skits, I mean, what's funny about squirrels?

And you're like, yeah, I suppose so. Because if you're a working class dude who drinks in a pub and he's 60, you don't want to hear whimsy about feeding. But those bits, they're fun fun they're playful like i like them um but that's not i don't write tons of that stuff anymore one of my favorite bits i ever had i watched it's on it's on hot water and i don't know why i've i think maybe because it's fully clipped out on hot water i've not considered it for um for my tours that i've just done but it's the only bit of my old stuff that i might put away with with a view to doing it in the future which is what

is the bit about uh going on my brother-in-law's stag do and accidentally going to a strip club and then having to lie to my sister about it and her going, swear on your life, swear on Laura's life. And like, it ends up with me pretending to be God because I've sworn on my daughter's life. And like, that's the kind of comedy that you just grow into, don't you? The stuff where you're like, like, it's just,

I feel like that's a bit more like a grownup standup. like i that's the kind of stuff that i watch and absolutely love like the stuff you're saying about it's more opinionated and it's more challenging and there's people that aren't going to enjoy it because they just like the whimsical stuff and the more mine i like the minute has got no opinions in it at all, really. It's all very inward, really. But yeah, the microscopic stuff that you're talking about, I haven't seen the shower gel bit, but Donnelly's excellent. They're three very similar comics,

Donnelly, A-Caster and Danny McLaughlin. I don't think, the untrained eye wouldn't see that when you watch them, but they are very, very similar comedians. A-Caster is the best at it, though. Yeah. His ability to, like, his Chris Stingle bit on one of his specials.

Yeah. He's like, what happens is you go to church and someone brings out an orange with a ribbon around it and a candle in it, and already that's weird, isn't it? Just the, he's just the absolute david david o'doherty as well yeah i haven't seen as much of him so good dimitri martin stuff is so do you almost go into it knowing there'll never be a big harsh like opinion yeah or anything that's gonna be like you'll never hear anything about trans rights or gender politics.

They're just like, yeah, we're not asked about that. Just the minutiae of daily existence. If you haven't seen A-Caster's three specials on Netflix, they're essentially one special split into three. The repertoire. Yeah, it's so good good and then he's got another one which is really funny because it's called cold lasagna hate myself 1999 yeah and it's excellent and there's a routine in it about his former agent who is my former agent who i'm

still friends with and uh that like my old agent who is literally one of my mates and i consider to be a very good guy he's not portrayed well in it at all and i remember talking to him about it being i was like look i went i know this because it really affected i'm not going to name him because he won't want to be named but someone i used to work with it really affected him when the book and that special went out and he hated it and you know and i was like well i really sorry, but it's such a funny bit. It's so good. Right. A question on a similar topic. A what?

Highlids. Anne Boleyn, second wife of Henry VIII, is widely credited for bringing the blowjob from the French court to the English. If you could take the credit for any one thing and be believed, what would it be? Oh, also with Anne Boleyn, she had an extra digit

on one hand she was it was believed she had like a a little like an extra finger and it was one of the things used against her when they were like oh but imagine the blow job on that you know like when they're giving you the black the the black pepper yeah there you go i meant to say so i want to say i wanted to say pepper grinder, but I said black pepper grinder. And then I said black and sort of shocked myself, so I just went black. But yeah, that's 11 digits on the wall, mate.

Can you, like with your dick, can you get the pepper grinder? What? Surely it was just like a little fucking saxosalt one. No, I get the pinchesalt. Yeah, yeah. The pinch. And the foot over my shoulder.

I'd like to be credited with the invention of the blue ribbon. Nice. The what? Blue ribbon. It's a biscuit. What do you mean?

I'd like to... Oh, I thought it was a euphemism. Because we weren't talking sex stuff, I was like, oh yeah, the blue ribbon. What's that? So are you telling me if it wasn't for Anne Boleyn,

I'd never have been sucked off?'s what history tells us i love getting sucked off what a legacy what a woman what a woman so so sorry if amberlynn hadn't brought blowjobs from the french court to the court of henry the eighth no one would have ever 15 20 something no person in this country would have ever gone, here, Bev, stick this in your mouth, eh? Well, it had already been how many thousands of years of civilisation where it's not been happening. It wasn't mainstream.

Bollocks. Who brought bumming over? Mate, bollocks. You're telling me. That was Catherine of Aragon. Oh, from Spain? Catherine of Aragon, mate. from Spain? Catherine of Aragon? She had a batty as well, mate.

Well known. Catherine of Aragon had a bunda. Mate, cavemen have been noshing each other off. Come on. No, they haven't. Yeah. Cavemen.

Cavemen, cavewomen. Cavewomen. They've been... Mary Antoinette. What did she do? Thumb in the bum. She never came into a relationship. No, but they just heard about it.

The stories came across the channel. Let them eat cake and anus. Yeah. Let them eat ass. It was the rimming woman. The rimming woman. Yeah. That was...

Rosa Parks. Pepper. That's why Rosa Parks. Pepper. That's why people go to the back of the bus if they're naughty. That's what it means? Yeah. The back of the bus was a euphemism. Get to the back of the bus, girl.

You know what I mean? Rim my ass. Right, we're going to do a very quick have a word before we do some Dan versus food. I wonder if she enjoyed Shrek. Rose Parks. It's such a mad start. I wonder if she enjoyed it.

Or if she was just busy like rimming someone. You know what she was like. We're doing a quick have a word. Do we want to play the jingle? No, I want him to sing it. It's time to have a word carl you know what clip went viral this week the whole

yeah mate that's a nailed on bucket so this is from an anonymous lady hi lids can you please have a word with my fella he's a big fan of the podcast and makes me listen to it whenever i'm in his i haven't seen much of it but i've seen enough to know that he's starting to turn into adam he speaks normally bastard he speaks normally most of the time but he started saying pussy like adam and thinking he could start his own podcast i think he's being inappropriate but he thinks there's nothing wrong because he has a sense of humor recently he had dinner with me and my parents the first time he was trying to make inappropriate jokes and halfway through the meal he called my mum a nonce because she had her roast

without gravy she's a nonce unfortunately my mum didn't find it funny and she's now questioning why i'm with someone sounds like your mum's a bellend to me have a word with my boyfriend and tell him to act a bit more grown up. No, so hang on. She's writing in to my podcast to ask me to tell someone to stop acting like me. Our podcast. I, as a general rule, and I've got a pretty sound mother-in-law,

but I don't think you should call your mother-in-law a paedophile. At dinner or anywhere else. What if you catch her fucking a child? Yeah. Yeah, no. Would you call her a paedophile? No, no, no. fucking child? Yeah. Yeah, no. Would you call it a pedophile? No, no, no. Okay.

VAR, yeah. That is allowed. Can you open your teeth? Because they stink. Oh, what are they? So we're going to do some Dan vs. Food. Adam, do you know what it is? No.

Okay, cool. Have we literally just moved from my pedophile mother-in-law? No, we'll go back to that. No, so we don't need to go back to that. What is it? I love my mother-in-law. She's so, we'll go back to that. What is it? I love my mother-in-law. She's so, so.

Is it? Yeah. What is it? I like them, but they smell awful. What is it? Didn't I make these yesterday? No. I forgot to do the veg.

Yeah, tapas. I told you that. Well, I've had today. Yeah. This is the next course. What's this? Sprouts. So, now introduce it properly.

And also, for the month of December, Dan. Yeah, it's going to be Christmas themed. You stupid knobheads. What? What are you on about? It's Christmas themed. So you're just going to bring in all the worst things from a Christmas dinner? Need some salt.

And pepper if you've got it as well. We don't. It's going to be dreadful either way. It's going to make it better. We need some salt. And pepper if you've got it as well. We don't. It's going to be dreadful either way. No, it's going to make it better. Get the rosa. Hello, ladies and gentlemen. This is Dan versus food. Dan is a 42-year-old man with food phobias.

There's a lot of foods he's never tried, despite being a fully grown man. And we make him try one every single week for your view and pleasure. This week, Dan, we're going Christmas themed for the month of December, so you're going to have some sprouts today, lads. Now, I'm going to be nice to you. Don't you smile at me,

Karl. It was my idea. You fucking rat. Can I ask how these have been... Mate, I hope that was good on camera. Can I ask how these have been cooked? In the microwave? In the popty ping? Microwave sprouts. I like sprouts, and this one isn't good.

Great, so Carl just caught the sprout. I'm not eating this fucking shite. That's really fine. No, it's not. No, I'm not having a bad sprout. Nice. Drop my bin. They're just a bit dry.

Just a bit sprouty. Right, so the Dan versus food. You might like them. Is a food that Adam, I like everything Ro, just spat into my spitty bin. Do you know what? This is gonna be awful. They have to taste lovely.

Mmm. Actually. You have to fucking eat them with sprout. Get some tomato sauce on it. A bit more black pepper. A bit more. A bit more. What are you trying to do to yourself?. Get some tomato sauce on it. A bit more black pepper. A bit more. A bit more. What are you trying to do to yourself?

I bet you're going to ruin it. No, no, it needs more. You're ruining it. I like flavour. Don't you ever put food in my mouth. Like, Dan, this is just a vegetable. It was grown in the ground. Like your cocaine.

Imagine it's a big ball of coke. That pepper's nice. You didn't even eat it? What the fuck was that? You threw the fork away? Too much pepper. Give me one with no pepper on. I'm not eating it.

It's awful. Dan versus food. Fail. Awful. Hate it. What's the score out of 10? Shitty, sweaty tree. What's that?

It's a mini, rolled up, fucking soggy sock of a fucking plant. Nah, mate. Sprouts can be great. Yeah, that's just the problem. Microwaved sprouts are shit. We need to start talking about this. Me with the other guys. I'm the food guy in here, and everyone's ruining it.

Can't be giving them sprouts in the microwave. Should have made me saute them. You forgot yesterday. I did, because I was drunk, Carl. I was trying to have fun. It was be giving them sprouts in the microwave. Should have made me saute them. You forgot yesterday? I did because I was drunk, Carl. I was trying to have fun. It was my Christmas as well, you know. Like mum.

Can I throw one in your mouth? Ready? Yeah. Yeah. Fucking teamwork, kid. Anyway. Is it nice? My paedophile mother-in-law.

Yeah. What about her? No. Out of 10, damn sprouts. Not zero. For me, that's a No, out of 10, Dan Sprouts. No, zero. So for me, that's a zero. This one was actually better. Cool, made up for you.

I'll spit it back then. No, I'm eating it. Oh, right, okay, yeah, I was being serious. Yeah, nice. I can't eat. If this is what we're doing the whole of December... We're just doing Christmas. You're going to have a grumpy Dan Nightingale, mate.

Christmas theme. And that's me talking in the third person about myself. If you can think of something Christmassy that you think Dan could eat, comment below and we might do it. Sage onion stuffing? He had stuffing last night, didn't you? No. Did you not?

What's stuffing? Oh, my. Is that the thing from the chicken's bum? Yeah. Yeah, it's chicken poo with sage and onion. Sage and onion chicken poo. Hang on. That's a good point.

That's a good point. Why is it called stuffing if you've just got it in a little tray? It doesn't actually get stuffed at the chicken's ass. It does. You can do that. The one that Adam made, I'm guessing it's from a packet.

Yesterday, I didn't stuff a chicken's ass because I didn't have a chicken's ass to stuff. I'm not a pheasant plucker. I'm the pheasant plucker. Yeah, it's still called stuffing because it's to be stuffed off a chicken's body, mate. Just because it doesn't go up the bumhole doesn't mean it's not a fucking stuffing mate. Then you could shiver kind of went up with your hands arse and we don't want it. What? What? I always zoom in on Alan's face

when he's like, I'm fucking doing it. Don't bring me this shite. This was dog shit. We need to discuss the food stuff from now on. And by the way, it could have been the best cooked sprouts in the history of sprouts

and I'd still think it's shite. No, like good sprouts with melted butter. What do you want? Stuff you like? That's no fun. It's not Dan versus things he likes. Dan versus N it's shite. No, like good sprouts with melted butter. What do you want? Stuff you like? That's no fun. It's not Dan versus things he likes. Dan versus Nando's. Yesterday.

What are we going to have today? Me and Finn are going to have a little Nando's and suck each other off and then put it on the internet for everyone to see. Whether Finn likes it or not. Most things in the menu on Nando's. Most things in Nando's are a problem. I just pick what I like.

What did I have yesterday? I did really well yesterday. You did. You had a potato patty. What did I have yesterday? I did really well yesterday. You did. You had gammon and potato. What did I have, Adam? I did a chicken pate under wax. I had a candle. I ate a candle.

He had chicken liver pate. He's going, I ate a candle. So I can do it. I can try new things. This is fucking hamster food, mate. This is shit. This was a bad idea. Sploats. He doesn't like them or eat them. That's what Dan Ves' food is. But theyster food, mate. This is shit. This was a bad idea. Sploats.

He doesn't like them or eat them. That's what Dan versus food is. But they're shit, though. He's got to be trying the good versions of it because we're trying to win him over and teach him that food is to be loved. Oh, that was going straight in, that. I don't want one.

I've had one and it tastes like poo. We're trying to... The whole point of this, first of all, is humour. But second of all, is to teach him that there's foods out there that he can fall in love with. Yeah? And he's not going to fall in love with it if we're making a shit version of it,

like microwave sprouts. Is he? We haven't got a kitchen. We'll make a kitchen. Oh, sorry. Get me a kitchen. Stay over to the kitchen, please. And make sure Carl's in to get a different bread.

Right, let's have a break and I'll eat some sprouts. Yeah. Yeah. Welcome back to this week's second half. Got a fucking legend in the room. We have. A fucking legend. Will I wait here?

Thank you. Thanks very much for having me, lads. Anyone who was at the Dublin live show at Vicar Street, or, I mean, that's the only time you've worked with us so far. Pleasure to have you in, lad. Smashed it. Flown all the way over the Irish sea on a plane.

From Geordieland. I've got jet lag. All the way from Newcastle. You've got jet lag? Yeah. Is it 45 minutes? Got it coming over the oil and man. It fucked.

You get jet lag within the hour. Oh, I thought it was 10 past two. We're going up and now we're going down uh it's a good flight that though isn't it because you go up and then you see all the ryanair or the easyjet staff panic because they've got to try and save everyone in about four minutes before the descent starts yeah well i was on one of them uh planes with the fucking propellers on i've never been on one of them before that's lingus. That's the... Because they should be illegal. Yeah, that's the symbol for playing with propellers. Unless you're playing with someone that has big fucking nipples.

Look at the size of the areola. Jesus, they're huge. Big woman, that. Come here, you. Yeah, so I was on that, and it was an experience, yeah. Yeah, I don't like them. I got one of them to New York.

A propeller plane. That's one of them to New York a propeller plane that's not legal to New York hang on no now what you've done there is you've made it sound like you've gone transatlantic

with propellers and that wasn't that's not true you've not gone from the UK to New York with propellers you were in Nashville no

I think the last people that done that lads was the fucking Wright brothers no no no no come together for me the technically all propellers aren't either all got the spinny they're all propellers no they're really not there's some of them a jet

engine yeah some of them a jet engine propellers on yeah don't try and fucking crank that jet engine no you flew across the Atlantic with propellers. Did we, Jack? It was so good. He never backs down again. I'm starting to see this as a budget. I think we swam part of the way. Are you a good flyer? Can you fly, like, well?

Yeah, give me about four years, man, and I fucking fly. No, I am. I'm already kind of taken up, not when I'm landing. But when I got on this plane today, for some reason, the fella that was sitting beside me blessed himself before he took off. And I just kind of was going, oh, what the fuck is going on? I'm not bad landing. I'm not great. When you're throwing

with Ryanair a lot, I think they just turn the engine off and they're about a thousand feet off the ground when they're landing. I just go, fuck it, Seamus. Let's see what happens. Aer Lingus are a little bit more cautious, you know, because I think they're on better money than Ryanair like, you know. Yeah, they're nice and just go, fuck it, Seamus, let's see what happens. Aer Lingus are a little bit more cautious, you know, because I think they're on better money than Ryanair, like, you know.

Yeah, they're nice, Aer Lingus. Yeah, Aer Lingus are lovely, like, but they land an awful lot more easier than Ryanair do. Ryanair just don't give a fuck, like. I don't mind landing. It's taken off

because every time a plane crashes, the news always says it crashed into a mountain shortly after takeoff or whatever. It's always shortly after takeoff. Yeah yeah you never really heard of a plane landing at an airport and blowing up everything was flying they'd done the eight hour flight without incident they twatted

it on the last 10 fucking meters sometimes it's bumpy but it's it's just oh like it's fine isn't it yeah and they all clap the irish people seem to clap every time the plane lands. What the fuck is that about? It's frowned upon over here, you know. When do you ever get to your house in a taxi and four people coming to go like that in a taxi driver? I'm wanking. That's the sound you've heard.

I'm really slapping it back. You're going out coming. Yeah. But yeah, I don't like takeoff at all. I also, like, I don't know how planes work. So it bothers me. I know how cars work. I know how cars work. I know how trains work.

How the planes work. You tell me. We don't. What do you mean? How do planes work? What do you mean? You know cars, you know trains? No. Yeah. Well, you know how the combustion engine works. Yeah, but neither of them can fly. No. If you put wigs on a car, it wouldn't

fly. It would, if you went fast enough. Yeah, but how fast is fast fly. No. If you put wigs on a car, it wouldn't fly. It would, if you went fast enough. Yeah, but how fast is fast enough? Probably about 400 miles an hour. But I understand my big cruise liners and that. I'm going, how can a big lump of fucking metal flow in the water? Oh, 100%.

100%? I don't get that either. I get exactly what you were saying. I don't know how planes fly. I don't know how boats stay, steel boats stay afloat. But I still go, fuck it, I'm getting on it because everyone else is getting on, you know? It's like that bloke that got the talent. We can't all die.

No, but you know, it's like you do what everyone else does. You kind of get in the queue and you go, listen, I'm getting on this, like, you know? It's like the fella that come home with the tattoo unique on his forehead. Do you remember that? No. And his dad says to fella that come home with the tattoo unique on his forehead. Do you remember that? No. And his dad says to him,

where did you get tattoo unique on your forehead? He says, oh, my mates had it done. Beautiful. I think I'd rather, I'd rather crash, I'd rather a plane crash

than a, than a, like a cruise ship start sinking. Really? Oh, if it's, if I'm going I don't want to have time

to think about it and see the shark swimming towards me see this is the difference between me and people like you two it's confidence innit like if a boat sinks

in my head I'm like I'll swim somewhere I'll get rescued if a plane is going down I'll start surfing it just fucking I'll do an ollie

look at the Titanic it does not an awful lot of people go off that lake none and when you think about what they're doing some of them did no one's ever ever Look at the Titanic. There's not an awful lot of people that go off that lake. Some of them did though. No one's ever, ever been on a plane that says it's a mountain and lives

in Salisbury. It's like the ocean fucking lottery, isn't it? It could be you. The height of the Titanic, the jump off it even. And then you're jumping into freezing cold water. I know. Which is good for you for about five minutes.

Yeah, it is. It's the original ice bath. They just didn't know how long to stay in there. It would have really boosted their immune system and helped with their energy and the mood. But they stayed in for two hours. And not a dry robe and suit. Get off my wood, chat.

Who said that water, water everywhere, but not a drop to drink? What? Gary Neville. Captain of the drink? What? Gary Neville. Captain of the Titanic. Yeah. Gary Neville. That didn't go here.

That didn't go down too well. Is Gary Neville the captain of the Titanic? I don't know. Would you genuinely rather just, it's over, plane crash, boof, dead? I want my death to be like that, so yeah. Really? Yeah, but the other one might not be death.

You might survive. In the middle of a Pacific Ocean you've hit an iceberg The Pacific Ocean Which one? The Atlantic one Now you're dead mate My mate says sit at the back of the plane

so you'll never see a fucking plane reverse into a mountain Good point isn't it? And my other mate Is an air hostess And she reckons That when you start

Blowing the whistle That attracts sharks So I fucking killed you Quicker innit Yeah and do you know Why you wear seatbelts On a plane So they can identify

Your body easier No you don't Yeah and that's what They tell you to put Your head in between Your legs when they're crashing Yeah No because then they go

Oh is he too John No it's to stop your head putting the roof in turbulence. Yeah. No, it's not. Yes, it is! I'm going for crashing. You said this.

Put your seatbelts on. No, it's nothing to do with crashing. It's the turbulence, isn't it? So you're not going, oh! Whoa! It's like that campaign for cars that we had. I don't know whether yous had it as well. Three dead in this vehicle.

They say the woman down the seatbelt done the damage. So you can imagine coming onto the aviation report, 345 dead in this vehicle they say the woman out the seatbelt on the damage so you can imagine coming onto the aviation report 340 for this vehicle they say the woman surrounded by nuts no we had we had one and it was Julie knew her killer and it was a daughter in the back without the seatbelt really shot her sure yeah we triangle there don't fucking don't ground me you know what got me on that one have you ever seen the phone one like uh she phones her mom in the car and she's speaking to her and then the line goes dead because she's crushed and now if ever i call somebody up in the car i i get angry and say put the fucking phone down that's probably because

she knew how bad of a cook a fucking man was she went what you're doing shepherd's boy again straight into a wall do you remember do you remember the one with the bike and it was like how bad of a cook a fucking man was. She went, what are you doing? Shepherd's pie again. Fuck that. Straight into a wall. Do you remember the one with the bike? And it was like, did you see it? And you're like, no,

because it wasn't there. You showed us two different videos you three fucking liars. They were like, think bike, especially when you can't see it. No,

their phone got me. No, stay off your phone in the car. I don't want to kill you with a phone call. You shouldn't be doing anything in the car. That isn't just to kill you with a phone call. You shouldn't be doing anything in the car. That isn't just 10 to 2.

30 miles an hour. Focus. Everything about you is a lie. What do you mean? You're like 25 past 6 with one hand. You're like fucking Minority Report while driving. Minority Report. Are you playing Xbox?

Are you playing FIFA with me left hand? I think they should invent a card and when you get into the car the minute you pick up your phone the car just fucking goes off it blows up well yeah no it will no absolutely that's coming in it that's coming what phil is it the fifth element where everything you do speeding wise is part of the mainframe and you just get your three points and then you fucking, basically he did something wrong in the fifth element, Bruce Willis,

and then he just fucking, his car stopped working. He just forgot who he is. His car stopped working and he couldn't get him one and that is coming. That is where all your license is linked up to the mainframe.

You're fucking, that is happening. I got six penalty points last week in two days. What? Yeah. two speed cameras and i was under the illusion i have these 4d plates on my car and the bloke that gave me the 4d plates goes these are fucking excellent like the camera actually can't pick them up

i mean like a fucking asia it was like a mambo in a bag of magic beans going to the fair and caught me twice yeah caught me once coming back from the country somewhere down the sticks and then caught me just around the corner because I live right beside Dublin Airport in a place called Swords. That's a quick guess, I was. Yeah, so you know what they say. Live by the Swords, die by the airport.

That's what they say. Yeah, so I got twice. Six points and fair play to me, missus. I said to her, they take three for the team and she took three of them. But another mate of mine come on and went,

look, there's a Polish license. Just give his name and number. He's sound and he can't get the points. Willa, can I ask you a question? Do you know this is going on the internet? Yeah.

I love how you live. Yeah. But this is in England, so British police can't do anything. Oh, they can't. Yeah. Once the guard get fucking YouTube. Yeah.

No, they won't. Never actually thought that actually that was all a joke but i had 11 points at once yeah at 11 how'd you get 11 so when you get your 12th one you can talk them out of one so that you don't get banned yeah this so this is what happened and i had 11 points and this is a true story i was coming through a place called Sheriff Street which is a fairly rough area and I went over the bridge in Sheriff Street

to go into East Wall and there's a left-hand tone which is an illegal left-hand tone because the sign is there going no left-hand tone and when I took the left-hand tone there was three cars parked up and a copper on a bike

and he just looked at me and went like that and I went oh fuck I said I'm going to get banned now completely banned no sorry 10 points at the time

pulled up I said I'm getting banned now another 2, 3 points that's me I'm gone so when I pulled up in behind the 3 cars I'm sitting there

and I'm going what am I going to do what am I going to do copper comes up to me he goes alright how's it going so he's a Dublin copper and they're the fucking worst

like people think oh they're from Dublin when they're from you where you're from they're alright like where's it going so he's a Dublin copper and they're the fucking worst like people think oh they're from Dublin when they're from you where you're from they're all right like where I was going this fella's gonna be a prick oh mate

the pig's coming Liverpool his phone rang his phone rang as it was on the phone and as his phone rang his ringtone was ACDC and I just went ACDC

and he just looked at me and he goes he said for one penalty point he says name the song and the song was Highway to Hell right and I went Highway to Hell he says correct and he goes he said for one penalty point he says name the song and the song was highway to hell right and i went highway to hell he says correct and he gave me one penalty point and that night i was in my mate's house and i went you're not gonna believe what happened

and i told him what happened and he started laughing at me i said what are you fucking laughing at he goes you only get one point for an illegal left hand or right hand turn either way so i felt like a fucking agent i got stopped by the police for the first time last week speeding coming from work I came around the corner at like 40

in a 30 and he pulled me over and he went what speed's that and it's a 30 and I was doing 40 and he went why

I was like I don't know I was like he's like you've got a nice car haven't you I was like yeah

I was like I couldn't tell you why I was like I was just being a dickhead wasn't I he was like right okay and he ran me like since he went alright sound He's like, you've got a nice car, haven't you? I was like, yeah. I couldn't tell you why. I was like, I was just being a dickhead. I was like, right. Okay.

And he ran me like, since he wins. All right. Sam, just don't do it again. Can I just say, well, that quiz guy is way more fun than yours. No, he's just Sam. He's like, listen, let's do a little quiz and we'll get you some points back.

I got stopped by someone. Was he just baffled that someone was honest? Yeah, but I've had very similar, I've had two experiences like that. If you're just not a gobshite, and you basically go, I'm a dick, I fucked up. No, but also like,

so I got stopped by some bacon smelling cunt a few months ago. There we go. By the way, he grew up in a mafia family. So, you know, when you've done time like Adam does. Any time he talks like that, you should just bring him some music like the Godfather. Yeah, obviously, because he's a capo.

So he's done his time. Some porky little cunt, right? I'm driving down Edge Lane and this fucking... Where did you put your shooter? Did you have your piece on you? I did it in my hand like this. In his face? In your...

Stopping me yet, lad? Yeah, the police hate that. I think we're done here, aren't we? You big space idiots. Get in your car, you big cunts. Get in your car. Right, shall we tell the story again? I was laughing down Edge Lane

and I sped up to catch the light. You know? It's going to yellow and you're like, I just want to get through the light. And he goes, woo! Oh, is he gay? He's gay. He was in the back seat. He was in the back seat.

It was pride week. Chase the light. So he puts it out and then he goes, woo! By the way, it would be so much funnier if the police weren't allowed to have actual sirens and they had to make the sound themselves. There's been a martyr! Oh, love it.

So he basically stops traffic. So you know the junction by the Machis? I do. And the Halfords. So I'd gone through that light and he pulled me over there and stopped me in the... So the people coming out of the retail park can't get out now because that's where he stopped us and he went,

what happened back there then, son? And I went, I sped up to catch the light, didn't I? And he goes, yeah. Why are you doing that? He didn't rush. I went, I am actually, yeah. I said, I know I shouldn't have done it, but I just I wanted to catch the light. So so I was about that. to I went do you want me to get out the car

and he goes you just don't do that again yeah that's what I do on your way then I wouldn't have called in the bacon I know what I done was wrong don't I

and I still did it and you know what if you're watching I will do it again you big fucking cunt shut up so the big cunt that just gave you a warning

and let you go what was he going to do throw me in prison oh put up 100 years for this guy. You stupid cunt. Pulling me over and letting me go without consequence. Do you know this goes out on the internet?

Yeah. I do, yeah. Look at me. Listen, pig scum. Can I just say, one of my favourite moments was when Jason Manford was on the couch in the old studio and Adam just does the, out of nowhere, just went, pig cunt.

And Jason Manford's face, I will never forget it when he went, what are we doing? Why would you do that? It's so funny. It's a fucking inside busy, isn't he? Do they block the... Oh, shit.

Undercover busy Jason Manford. Stinks of it, mate. Listen, here. We're guaranteed by the time he's playing the M&S Arena, he's going to be getting a lift over there. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you know the way they blocked the junction? Yeah. They blocked the junction. So we put our lights on and I was like, oh, he's not stopping me. He's just trying to drive past.

So I was like, oh, no, he's stopping me. So I turned away from the busy junction so he didn't have to stop me there and he was chasing me and I was like, I am no, he's stopping me. So I turned away from the busy junction so he didn't have to stop me there. And he was chasing me. And I was like, I am stopping, but not here. In future, lad, if there's lights on, stop.

I went, I don't live this way. I live that way. I just didn't want to block the junction because he'd report me over there. I don't live this way. That's so funny. I've gone home, mate. Well, I did.

I live that way. Yeah, I just thought it'd be safer to park up in Warrington. I just kept going. I didn't see anywhere safe. And now we're in Lincolnshire. You know, but... That's one of the reasons he was like, because he was like, alright. That makes sense. Nice one.

I was like, cool. I didn't want to block a really busy junction because the lights were getting turned on, the Christmas lights. And there was another little scumbag, right, once. I was in West Arby. Do you know where the church in that is? Not the church, but it's like a Methodist church. Do you know what I mean?

Like the little side road that goes up to the Shankly. Have we got it? It's like a little weird. Do you know what number I was in front of? 12. No, you're thinking of eight. Go on. We've got it.

There's 150,000 people. I'm talking to my friends oh for god's sake do you know what we mean though do you know the one with the red door Pete Bestway yes

yeah yeah yeah in front of Sue's house no you're thinking of Graham it is actually George Bestway it is actually no it's actually called Pete Bestway

that's not a joke Pete Bestway so it's a left turn only or a right turn only but anyway I went the other way because I was like I just want to go

with a little shortcut what day was it what day was it it was a Sunday oh it's a left turn only or a right turn only. But anyway, I went the other way because I was like, I just want to go with a little shortcut. What day was it? What day was it? It was a Sunday. Oh, it was a Sunday. Think about Sunday traffic. Right. So I was like,

it'll take me 10 seconds to just go there and then I can get on with my day rather than going all the way. You have to go around the big triangle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And this fucking bacon. You don't want to get stuck in. He turns in.

It's the Sunday traffic, isn't it? You don't want to get stuck in it. Match traffic probably. Do you know it's church traffic? I mean, he's like Sunday traffic, isn't it? You don't want to get stuck in it. Match traffic, probably. Do you know it's church traffic? And he's like, what are you doing here? That's a right turn only. And I went, I know, yeah. I went, I've just turned the wrong way.

And he goes, and what do you want to do about that? I went, do you want me to turn around and go back that way? And he went, yeah, I would like that. He said, but I need to run your license first. And I was like, I haven't got it with me. And he goes, right, what's your name? And I gave him his name. And he just goes, he winds his window up and goes. And he goes, right, what's your name? And I gave him his name and he just goes, he winds his window up and goes,

and he goes, right. It's your special needs. It's right in the car. He just shouts gibberish into his shoulder. Was he eventually ill? Yeah, he was, yeah. You ever been in trouble with the law, Willa? You ever been in trouble with the law?

Where do I start? Have you really? Yeah. Can I just say mate you've got such a naughty face. I reckon

no you hasn't. Wait you didn't realise we know Willer's been in trouble with the law? Yeah. I'm going to tell you

a car story talking about talking about the police Rui. So I come over here about five years ago

with another comic called Damien Clark. I don't know what he is known. Yeah. An Australian guy. What a cunt, innit? Isn't he just a mood hoover?

Oh, he's such a negative. He's the nicest guy. He was looking to buy a car for his missus and I was buying a car at the time in Cardiff. So,

he happened to be buying a car in Bristol. So, we said, why don't we book the flights for the same day which is in the two of us will come over on the flight which is you can go and get your car in Bristol we'll jump in your car and then we'll

fly up to Cardiff, we'll grab my car which is in the bowhead, you know, for Holyhead. He went, yeah, yeah, that's a great idea so. Also he's a great pick for an adventure. And this is when the VRT was out, the vehicle registration tax, so it was well worth their while from Dublin to come to England

and buy a car. You got better value. You got better spec in the car. And so we came over. The red eye, say of a Wednesday morning or whatever it was,

goes to Bristol Force with Damo, goes up to this car place where he's buying the car. And we pulled up and it's just a fucking car wash with two cars for sale on it. And I looked at Damo

and I said, is sure this is where you're buying the car because it was just a load of foreign nationals, you know, no disrespect to foreign nationals,

but washing the cars, right? You're doing a job, right? And he's ringing the guy that he bought the car off and there's no answer on the phone. And I says to Damo, this isn't bleeding right, man. There's something not right here. And he's ringing the guy that he bought the car off and there's no answer on the phone. And I says to Damo, this isn't bleeding right, man. There's something not right here.

And he looks at me with a kind of a panicked look on his face. And I said to him, I said, why are you looking at me like that for? What the fuck is up like? He said, I paid your man for the car the other day. He says, I paid him the money for the car. No. I says, you're fucking joking.

He goes, no. I said, are you fucking stupid? He says, you're not the paying a bloke for the car over the phone that you're fucking joking. He goes, no. I said, are you fucking stupid? He says, you're not the paying a bloke for the car over the phone that you've never met off a website. I says, getting sold as a private car. He says, from this fucking place. He goes, oh, what am I going to do?

I says, look, I'll ring the bank. I says, go straight onto the bank now and cancel the payment, you know. He said, I think the payment's... I said, just get onto the bank. So while we're on the phone to the bank, after about 10 minutes, the fella who he's... I said, just get on to the bank. So while we're on the phone to the bank, after about 10 minutes, the fella who he's buying the car off rings him.

So he says, look, I'm really, really sorry. He says, I couldn't get up there. He says, I'm late. He says, I only live about 10 minutes down the road. Jump in the cab, come down, and I'll give you the car. So we went down to where the guy lives, pulled up outside. Your man has the car.

I'm looking in the engine. I don't have a fucking clue about cars right I'm looking in yeah he goes yeah everything seems grand gets the documentation jumps in the car

so as we're in the car heading towards the car the voice says to Damien are you insured in the car and he looks at me and he goes what I said are you insured in the car you need to be insured

oh no no I didn't know yet he says what do you think I says you think because you've no insurance because you're on the English roads that you don't have to be insured I says so what happens

if we get in an accident from here to Cardiff he goes oh I never really thought about that I says for fuck's sake I says look

just bring me up to get the car because I've been in loads of cars that haven't been insured so I didn't really give a fuck do you know what I mean

so he gets up to Cardiff he goes into where I'm buying my car Mr. Responsibility ex-fucking criminal ex-convict jumps out

gives the guy the few quid takes the car for a drive and says yeah I'm happy so we're late now at this stage

so he goes into Tesco gets a sandwich bottle of water says we need to move it to get there the ferry a half past two in Holyhead and says you go ahead of me

and keep flooding it in the car you know. I says, you go ahead of me and keep flooring it in the car, you know? So off he goes. He's ahead of me. We're doing about 120 on the motorway. Flying up. Look, come here. We don't live here, so I didn't really give a fuck.

If he wasn't with me. It's not on time, look. Like, if he wasn't with me, I'd have been doing 160, like. I'd have been just fucking going for it. What car is this? It was a naughty A6 Black Edition. When you say 160, are you talking kilometres or miles? I'm talking kilometres, yeah.

But if it done 160, I'd still do 160 miles. Piss my pants if you'd have been like, it was a Renault Espace. As I'm in the car, about an hour into the journey, there's a BMW X5 behind me flashing his lights at me. And I'm going, what the fuck is he flashing at? I'm doing the car, about an hour into the journey, there's a BMW X5 behind me flashing his lights at me, and I'm going, what the fuck is he flashing at? I'm doing about 120, I'm in the fast lane. So I'm flashing Damo, who's ahead of me,

telling him to go fucking faster, hoping that he understands the flick flick on the headlights thing, saying, oh yeah, he means go faster. The bloke, nothing is happening, right? So the fella keeps flashing at me in the X5, so I rolled down my window and I went like that. Fuck off. And the minute I done that, I'm not joking with you,

the fucking Jeep lit up like a Christmas tree, right? Blue lights all around the place. I went, oh, fuck. Within a minute, there's a police car in front of me, police car behind me. It's like police camera stop action. Fucking boxes me in, brings me into the hard shoulder, right? Yeah, whatever.

Whatever way. Police camera stop. That's all I'm talking about. And that action. So goes into the hard shoulder. Guys in the jeep start screaming at me,

put your hands on the dash, put your hands on the dash. So I put my fucking hands on the dash and go, first thing I'm thinking is there's drugs in the car. I'm had to get set up.

Your man's had to fucking load the car up with a load of fucking brown or a load of white and I'm thinking is there's drugs in the car I'm had to get it set up your man's had to fucking load the car up with a load of fucking brown or a load of whey and I'm bringing it over to Dublin so he puts me hands on the dash

he says don't move don't move comes over opens the door pulls me out of the car puts me hands on the roof and handcuffs me he goes

do you know what we're stopping you for and arresting you for and I went the only thing I could think of I said well I was speeding and I told you to fuck off Luke you know and he goes and he goes no that's the only thing I could think of, I said, well, I was speeding. And I told you to fuck off, like, you know.

And he goes, no, that's the only part. He says, that car you're in is stolen. He says, the car is robbed. I says, what? He goes, yeah, the car is stolen. He says, it's come up in their system as it's stolen. He says, and that's why we're stopping you from taking the car off you. I says, mate, look, I've got the logbook.

I've got the garage where I bought it off. I says, I have everything. He says, the car look, I've got the logbook. I've got the garage where I borrow it off. I have everything. He says, car's not fucking stolen. I says, in the meantime, fucking Damien Doofus has stopped to see what's going on, right? He's no insurance. He comes back. Hey, what's going on?

Yeah, to check him out, he gets handcuffed, put into the back of the car, right, for no insurance. If that was me in front, I'd have been gone to Hollyhead for nobody, right? Copper says to me, have you ever been in trouble with the British police before? And I says, yeah,

I have been in trouble with the British police. He says, what's the most recent thing you've been in trouble for? I says, I said, I held me auntie, me cousin and a friend hostage in a house for three days in London.

And he's looking at me like this. He said to me, sorry. I'd take it back. I didn't know that. Yeah, we did. He says, I held, I said, I held me auntie, me cousin, and me auntie's friend hostage in a house for three days. I says, mate, are you fucking messing?

I says, no. I said, I'm dead serious. He says, hang on there for a minute. So he goes over, gets on the blower. He's like. So as he's walking... As he's walking back... As he's walking back over, he's looking at me and he's going...

He goes... He says, this is a bit of a fucking downgrade, isn't it? He says, from a hostage situation to a stolen car. And I went, mate... He says, look, the car's not robbed anyway gloucestershire police station we ends up going to me damo cars get took off was driven off i'm in the fucking police station sitting there going fucking car's gone like i'm at the fucking

spending 12 grand on a car and it's gone like and damo's in the cell down from me and i'm going what's gonna happen gets on to the to the Irish is it a consulate is it a consulate is it yeah because they wouldn't let me ring home he says we can't let you

ring anywhere outside of Ireland gets on to the consulate consulate gets on to me Mrs. Mrs. rings up

I says look I'm fucking I said I'm in custody I'm going to court in the morning the car is robbed and she's going you fucking agent

and she's screaming I said just don't tell me mum I says tell me mum everything is alright I'm coming home tell me, ma'am, everything is all right. I'm coming home. Because my mom's a bit old, you know, and gets a bit obsessed. So about seven, half seven that night, the cell door opens. So we get all the usual stuff.

If you don't know the procedure, when you go into an English police station, they do your DNA, take a swab of your mouth, take your fingerprints, do all that shit, and then they lock you up, like, and check to see if you've done probably anything else that's gone on in the country. Take your fingerprints. Do all that shit. And then they lock you up, like, and check to see if you've done probably anything else that's gone on in the country. Yeah, yeah. So I come out of the cell about half past seven, goes up to the desk,

and a man says to me, he says, on behalf of the British Metropolitan Police, we'd like to apologise to you for what happened today and what you've been through. There seems to be some kind of misunderstanding. And I was like, fucking hell. I said, so my first thing was, are you letting me out?

Am I going home? Your man goes, yeah, we're letting you out. You're going home. I was like, thank fuck for that. He says, what happened was, he says, the car that you bought from where you bought it from, I'm not going to name the place, because your man's actually a nice fella.

He says he was selling that car for his mate. So we like you, Dan, selling a car. Well, he won't have a car in his mate so we like you dan selling a car well he won't have a car in may and anyway but just pretend he has a car it'd be like you selling his car but his wife reported the car stolen right okay so when they checked me on the system and the car obviously speeding as well which didn't help they seen the car was stolen so he's gone oh will you sell my car for me and he's like yeah yeah I'll come and pick it up and move it and no

and the missus has gone oh my god the car's gone no no no and then rung the police she was having a domestic with her husband right so she knew he was selling the car

so the car seller and the car the two of the guys that were the guy that was getting his car sold and the guy that was selling the car didn't know anything about this whatsoever that she'd reported the car robbed so I got fucking took out a car so the first question was i said am i getting out he says yeah i said am i getting the car back he goes yeah we're going to bring you to a compound now

you can get your car back so i'm looking at me watching going i'll get the 11 o'clock ferry definitely i'll make it so damo gets out then as well but he's got a bigger problem than me because he can't get insurance on his car because it's after six o'clock till in the morning so he's not going home so I says to Damo when I get my car I'm going to drop you

to the nearest fucking B&B or wherever it is he says and I'm going to get the boat so we got out I dropped him to a B&B and I

I'm telling you I'd say there was it was like a ray of all the cameras were flashing me all the way up the hole of your head and I rang the guy as well and I said ray of all the cameras were flashing me all the way up the hollyhead and I rang the guy as well

and I said it to him I says look at me you're the guy that sold me the car I says you are very very lucky that I've got a colourful past

I says because I'm fucking and he was like oh look what can I do for you I says look at you're going to pay for two days loss of earnings

for work I says you're paying for a tank of diesel you're paying for the boat or he says you're going to pay for a cabin on the boat he says look

not a problem next morning 12 o'clock everything was in my account and that was it what a fucking experience can I just ask one question yeah

why did you hold your auntie hostage that was an expert yeah it was going to be your question are you sure we don't want a break

I thought everything everything's been good is it just a Christmas that got out of hand? No. That's a game of Monopoly. I want to be the dog, you fucking bitch. Sit down. No, I'll tell you what happened.

I was living in London at the time, 1989, and I was taking a lot of fucking drugs. And I was after being at a rave in a place called the Toad Floor in Dalston, in East London. So we being at a rave in a place called the Toad Floor in Dalston in East London. So we went to this rave and came out of the rave on Sunday afternoon and I was after taking a load of E's, a load of LSD, and I got psychosis.

So the Monday morning, I didn't even go to sleep. My head was telling me that there was a hit out on me. Most of the times when Irish people suffer with psychosis, it's always the that there was a hit out on me. Most of the times when Irish people suffer with psychosis, it's always the IRA that have the hit out on you. For some reason or other. It's never a bleeding Bolivian marksman. It's never, you know, someone from

MOE 5. It's always the IRA. Anyone that I've spoke to in Dublin that suffers with psychosis, it's the IRA. Do you know what I mean? It's not even the continuity IRA. It's always the real IRA. Because there's that many branches of the fucking IRA's the IRA. Do you know what I mean? It's not even the continuity IRA, it's always the real IRA. Because there's that many branches of the fucking IRA at the moment. I can't believe it's not the IRA.

So I was suffering with psychosis and on the Monday I got up and I was convinced that I was going to get killed on the Monday. That I was going to get shot dead. And I needed to get killed on the Monday, that I was going to get shot dead. And I needed to get from Median Road in Clapton down to me uncle's in Clapton, and I had no transport.

I was walking down, and everywhere I walked down the road, when I seen people, whether they were doing this, I was thinking, they were going, yeah, he's walking down the street now, get the marksman out of the house, and I'm looking up at windows, and I'm hiding behind cars. Eventually, I got to me uncle's at windows and I'm hiding behind cars. Eventually I got to me uncle's house

and me uncle wasn't there. He was gone away for a few days. But me auntie, me cousin and me auntie, me cousin

and a mate was there and I got into the house and I thought they were holding me there to be shot dead. And I fucking held them hostage

until the police came three days later. Well, how old are you at this point like 19 20 years old yeah yeah and how long had you not slept like you're 72 hours without sleep um by the time the police came and the helicopter it was nearly five days i've been awake, yeah. What? Yeah. So they brought me... Mate, I've had some fucking messed up weekends, but they've never ended up with a helicopter. It's usually just the fucking taxi and a big wank.

Yeah, yeah. So when the police eventually came for me, I got sectioned and I got brought to Bow Street Magistrates Court and they pleaded me and saying and I got locked up in a psychiatric intensive care unit in the Homerton Hospital in London and I was there for seven months that's a completely different story altogether

What? Do you want to tell us about that? Literally the switch had gone in your head Come here, I was completely It wasn't like you needed a good night's sleep and you were back in. No, I was completely fucking gone, like completely. And I was hallucinating.

Some people don't come back from that shit. I was hallucinating at this stage. I was hearing voices. And everything just seemed so fucking real, even though it wasn't. So it basically had like a mental breakdown with psychosis and ended up getting schizophrenia over and just went completely on my head.

And I'm in this hospital, a completely locked ward, which I escaped out of twice and came back to twice after escaping over because I got battered one time. I escaped over and come back busted up. Three blokes were out there kicking the fucking head on me. And I just ended up knocking on the door i went no that escaped me so i ended up in this place and it was just it was fucking madness like and i was on a serious

amount of fucking medication um there's a dark side i tried to hang myself in there as well one of the patients went and alerted the staff that was hanging out of a window and took me down off the window. That probably wasn't one of the funniest fucking times. But overall, it was very, very fucking frightening. And yeah, it was a mad fucking time. I've got family members who've been in facilities like that

and they said it's so terrifying. I've got family members who've been in prison and in those places. I'll take prison all day, every over yeah oh really why just because there's a bit more rhyme and reason to it yeah so prison is predictable like patients are not they're accountable to their sentence they don't want to yeah okay yeah so we've been in three i've been in the one in london then i went back and when i eventually got out there after seven months went back to dublin and then i got the same thing again i thought I owned the Dublin, thought I owned

the whole of Dublin, I had to take more acid again thinking ah it'll be okay this time I know what went wrong I just won't hold anyone hostage this time and then I jumped into a taxi to go into Dublin City and this is the God's honest truth when I got into the middle of Dublin City the taxi driver said to me yeah that's 15 quid or whatever and I went I said you woke for me, he says what I said yeah you woke for me, I said oh yeah I'm

Dublin, he said oh do you yeah he just brought me straight around to the police station took me out and I fucking ended up in custody in Mountjoy Prison and just went on my banger there again and then ended up in Dundrum Psychiatric Hospital and then from Dundrum, which is a central mental hospital

it's kind of like Broadmoor what it'd be like and then I got out of there and then after a while I ended up in fucking in Vincent's, which is another psychiatric hospital, I could probably have a t-shirt with all the dates and the hospitals on the back of it

so I've been in three psychiatric hospitals you could could probably have a t-shirt with all the dates and the hospitals on the back of it. So I've been in three psychiatric hospitals. You could say it was a psychi-hat-rick. But you've also been to prison though? Yeah, I've been to prison. That's worse than prison. No, but prison's a lot better because you can get as much sex as you want and...

Have you had sex in prison? because you can get as much sex as you want and... No, yeah, I've been to prison. Have you had sex in prison with, like, women? No. No, I've had it. No, I can't really disclose anything about that. Yeah, I've been to prison. The last time I was in prison, I got extradited home from London on a drugs charge,

so I was caught with a lot of drugs. I was strung out at the time, and I got a lot of drugs. I was strung out at the time and I got nicked in London while I was strung out on crack and the worst thing about getting nicked was that I didn't really worry that I was out to get nicked and I was going home to save a few years in prison. I was homeless at the time and I was living in a car

and I had me missus' tracksuit buttons on which had a flower on them and the whole time before I went into Brixton Prison, I kept me hand like that on me leg, just to hide the flower. Because I was in a cell, you know, with other prisoners.

I was going, I can't lose face here, because I have a flower on me fucking... And that was what I thought was me biggest worry at the time. And little did I know that going from there, going from London ended up in custody because I'd never been in an English prison before so I went to Brixton for six weeks and that was an experience

in itself because it was a 23 hour bang up so you're locked up for 23 hours a day and we're all different types of people. As you know London is like most cities in the world, it's very multicultural. So, you know, you could be locked up

with a Jamaican guy, you could be locked up with a Muslim. One cellmate or three? No, two. All right, okay. Two, yeah, all the time. So I was there for six weeks

with a really, really bad crack habit. I actually have a video on my phone of what I was like the year before I got out of prison at 29

years of age. I'll give you the looker. And do you keep that just to go, just as a reminder of like... No, I didn't. You know what, I've done an educational video. So I got extradited home. After the six weeks, I went home to Mount Joy. I got five and a half years with a review

after three and a half years with conditions that I do something about my drug habit and try to sort myself out so in the three and a half years about with about a year left of the sentence I knew I had to get me now I was clean coming home I hadn't had any drugs in Brixton prison at all so for the first time in a long time I was I was drug free coming back to Dublin and I remember getting on the plane in Heathrow and the person that was looking after me in the cells was after me and looking after,

what's her name, Donna Summers? Is that her name, the singer? Is it Donna Summers? She'd ran amok in Heathrow police station the week before and we were talking about me and him. But I got on the plane with the HMP prison bag, really, really degrading. Pair of jeans. You always got to go to, really, really degrading. Pair of jeans.

You always got to go to the gift shop in the wild. Pair of jeans, which I still have at home from HMP Brixton, which were 26 waist, right? And got onto the plane and went home

and got five and a half years and after about a month in prison, just out using again. So, back to square one, back strung out. So, wait about a year left prison just started using again. So I was back to square one, back strung out. So wait about a year left, I knew a prison officer, Mark Farrell his name is

and he asked me did I want a bit of help and I got the help and went over, done a detox, went from the detox unit, there was 10 of us in the detox unit, seven are dead,

out of 10 people. That was 2001. And I just started going to 12-step meetings and got my shit together. When did you do your first gig after this? I done my first gig in 2005. So about three, four years after. Yeah, yeah.

Were you in prison during 9-11? No. Do you know what? I actually only got out that time. Because it's mad. People were saying to me, where were you Jordan 9-11? I thought I was getting blamed on it. Is that where you know the seven mates from the fucking 12-step program? No, so I got

out on the 4th of, no the 3rd of April 2001. And that happened, obviously, September 11th that year. So I got clean. I got drug free 2001, the 4th of April. And I've been drug free since, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I think that's a good move, mate.

Haven't had a drink since then either. Fucking purging. it's mental ah do you know doing this podcast is so amazing because you don't know what bollocks you're going to talk or what absolutely mesmerizing shit you're going to hear and that was uh definitely in the latter. Shall we have a break? Come on. Do the... Please. I used to hate it, but now I like it. Final part, ladies and gentlemen. What of? The last part of today's

episode. It's part four of four. Oh! Welcome back. Part four of four. Will.R. White is still here. Will.R. What's your name? Welcome back part four of four Will R White is still here Still here Will R What's the name

your name always interests me what's Will R My name has nothing to do with my name being William I was christened William after my grandfather my mother was going to

call me Jason that didn't happen obviously and my name Will R comes from the Greek no it doesn't

it comes from it sounds a lot more better doesn't it it comes from the Greek. No, it doesn't. It comes from... It sounds a lot more better, doesn't it? It comes from the Greek meaning cunt. No, it comes from... I used to steal horses years ago. So where I live is... Yeah.

I know, lads. So we used to rob horses. A lot of the lads where I lived, we rode around bareback on horses, you know? Real posh. No, Johnny. But there's some there's some

there's some places that have better horses so we used to go down and steal them and when we used to come back into the estate where I lived oh you would take the horses

yeah you weren't stealing from the horses no no like give us your hay no we used to we used to you don't

you don't steal horses from your own no you go off these things no we like a lad from Butel going into Speak. And Speak have better, faster horses. And they robbed him on them.

And we'd take them back. And then we'd just ride them around for a couple of days and keep them. It's a different hostage situation. More of a hostage situation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Took a word for that one to Gallop, didn't it? Not boy racers, boy riders.

And we used to have a, we used to call a stick off a tree a willow. That's what was the nickname for it, was called a willow. And when I used to come back on the horse, I used to say to the lads, get me a willow, get me a willow. And that's where the name willow came from. It's nothing to do with me name being Willie.

I've got a feeling now, if you were called Jason, I don't think that willow thing would have stuck. I don't know. I know lots of people that have nicknames that's nothing to do with their name at all. Yeah, we had a mate called steve his real name was alistair there you go one we're just being annoying we just gave him a nickname that meant nothing for no reason just to piss him off but it's stuck because he was like what are you doing and that

was it five years of his life i'll just say a little is it as just simple as jumping so literally what happens is come here there's no fucking stables where I live like they're just literally put into a field so you just walk

into the field so two things you need for robbing a horse is one you need a plastic bag and two you need a rope so you wouldn't have

a bridle you'd be just going in literally with a rope and making a head halter for the rope from the rope and the bag nine times out of ten

blokes that have horses when they're trying to catch the horses they always have a bag and they shake the bag so the horse will walk over to the bag thinking there's food

in the bag so you just take the bag out shake the bag horse comes over you kind of have a pick because you'll be staking them out for a couple of days

you'll be watching which horses are the fastest like do you know what I mean so you wouldn't be going in and grabbing a fucking a a fastest like do you know what I mean so you wouldn't be going in and grabbing a fucking a sheehy do you know what I mean so then you'd just grab the horse

and you'd put the halter on the horse and then just jump up on it's back and gone out the field there'd be probably six or seven of us

gone up the road fucking grey crack how does the horse know the way to yours though it doesn't it doesn't you're just bleeding you just go

you just click them on and the lads all go together and it's grey crack. I mean, when you're a young lad, look, I mean, the generation with phones

and all that, we'd none of that shit. It's ruined horses. We robbed horses. Go outside, rob some horses. That's what I've been saying. That's what my dad says

to me, like me nieces and nephews. My dad's always like, these kids with their iPads need to get out there and rob some horses yeah we used to we used to do

did you ever play rock ball over here what rock ball great did you not no lads

what's rock ball I'm gonna tell you now that's a great link into that so rock ball was we used to go into it so I come from an estate in Dublin called Ballymun it was the biggest flat.

When you said that at the Dublin live show, people went, ooh. Yeah, well, it's a rough area. It's like, come here. I don't know, what's rough here? Not a screen. Not a screen. Toxted.

Was Toxted still a bit rough around the edges? Toxted is slowly getting like gentrified, really, because town's getting bigger. Yeah, it's bleeding outwards. Yeah. It's nothing like Lark Lane anyway is it no it's slower than that

we used to have this thing we used to go into different parts of Ballymun right so there's like it's a big biggest state so you go over the far side and what we do

when the men and women was coming out of the pub when the men and women were coming out of the pub we used to get a football and we used to slice the football and fill it full of rocks.

Oh, yeah, yeah. And put it in it. Or else what you do sometimes, it was the same part in Ballymun where there was a bollard that was missing and there was a stump about that much on it.

So you just put the ball on top of the stump and they'd be coming out of the pub and you'd be going, mister, mister. And they'd be going, what's up, son? Kick,

will you kick that ball? Yeah, not a problem. And they'd take a fucking run at this thing and give her a kick. And I'm telling you, the fucking scream. And then sometimes the women, they go,

I'll get it, son. And they take their shoe off. Fucking, you could hear their toes crunching like a fucking mouthful of mints. What a lovely game. Oh, it was great, Craig. Yeah. He was joking. He was kidding cracked yeah he was joking he was kidding

oh yeah it was great come on boys we've got four disabled piss heads let's go and steal some horses where are

will we get on the crack no we'll do that in a few years in London what the fuck yeah what a game

Bally Ballymun or Ballymoon Ballymoon Ballymoon yeah. Ballymun or ballymoon. Ballymun. Ballymun. Yeah, yeah. Ballymun. Ballymun.

Is what it is in Gaelic, yeah. Right, should we do some correspondence? I don't know. Fuck off. I think this question's pretty perfect. Have you got some questions? Yeah, we've got one. No, don't you do it, I do it.

I was trying to set you up for it. You try it. What he's doing. Oh God, why do I hate him? Why do I feel like I'm getting psychosis? It's what we do, honestly. There was a point about a year and a half ago, I was like, I think I'm going mentally ill.

And now I'm just riding into it. It's so much better. He's mad. Let's slag each other's grands off so I'm trying to think who's setting who up here like it sounds like

a fucking criminal we're all we're going down together we're all in the IRA do you think that's funny no I'm joking people people died

so this first one's from Cal he says alright lads with Bert Kreischer's Russian Mafia story being so popular that it got made into a film, is there any story from your life or stand-up routine that you've done

that you think could be made into a film? I've got one story that I made into a stand-up special, and I suppose that's a film, isn't it? It's on film. You made it all up. It's all fictional. Made it all up, yeah. I think just get Netflix in a room with Willa White,

and I reckon you'll have something pretty gritty yeah I reckon I could do about when I was in like a new version of One Flew Over

the Cuckoo's Nest when I was in Vincent's on the Richmond Road and we had a night called it was called The Nutcracker's Ball

on Halloween so we all dressed up all the patients at this place I'm telling you what man man, it was like... What did you guys? I went as the Joker from Batman. It was...

This is a psychiatric hospital, yeah. How did you get funds? They came round and asked us. They came round and asked us all. Mate, if you're schizophrenic, you shouldn't be giving people costumes. Oh, mate, I'm telling you, it was my two cousins came down.

The two of them had passed on from drug use, Martin and David. And the two of them sat there for the night and fucking fell around the place. This was mental. Wait, you could bring outsiders in for this party? Yeah, you got cops. No, you could bring visitors. So there party? Yeah, you got cops. No, you could bring visitors.

So there was visitors in. So me two cousins was there and me sister, God rest her at the time, she was there as well. And other people. And like, this was like... You got three people on the guest list for Halloween and the sidewalk. Yeah, for the Nutcracker's Ball, yeah. Yeah, it was mental. I'm not joking. Charles, we're a Patreon special.

It was... You could literally make a film about that night. It was unbelievable. Yeah. There was one fella in particular that came from a family called Caffery's and they're like a sweet makers. They're like Cadbury's,

but they're, you know, down lower, kind of down the chain, like, and he dressed up. That's why he went mad. He dressed up as a priest. He couldn't catch up to Cadbury.

That sounds like such a fucking Aldi option, doesn't it? Hey, it's a bar of Cadbury's. It's nut and fruit. No, no, it's not. Cadbury's Daily Milk. So he used to, when your visitors come up, this fella used to just grab your visitors and bite them. For no reason at all.

He'd just fucking grab you and bite you, but he dressed up as a priest. And there was no smoking ban at the time, so you could smoke. So he just lied in the middle of the dance floor for the whole night, just smoking, chain smoking in a priest's cell. Sounds like Father O'Lady.

Like something our fucking father told you. What's a smoking ban? The smoking ban. I thought you said the smoking ban. I'm a smoking man. I honestly thought Ireland had a man that went around going, you better not be smoking in here, boys. I'm a smoking man. I honestly thought Ireland had a man that went around going, are you going to not be smoking in here, boys? I'd be fuming.

Yeah, yeah. But yeah, it was, that would be something that could make a film. My mum, before she had a hysterectomy. She's going to be some film. I tell you what, when you get three comps for that that is a rough show

my mum had a hysterectomy and it gave her permanent nerve damage in her leg so she couldn't go back to work properly but before that she used to work

with I don't all I can say is the sentence that she used to say which is not politically correct but it's what she used to say I used to work

with the mentally and physically handicapped right that's what she used to say so she wasn't working in like a mental institution but it was people who you know didn't know any better sort of thing yeah and i think i've might have told this story before on the show have i i don't know but i want to hear it again so much so do we so my auntie my auntie sue was terrified of the people my mom had to look after she just was scared of them, right?

And one day, my mum goes, I need to go and pick me, they're going on a night out. She goes, I need to go and pick me wages up from work. And my auntie's like, I'm fucking not going anywhere near. They're fucking joking, aren't you? Fucking not a chance, not once. And my mum was like, just come down, come in. We'll be there for 30 seconds.

I pick me wages up and you can see it's not a scary thing. She's like, I'm not fucking going. I'm not fucking going. And then she goes down. The second they opened the door, one of them had gone out of their bedroom and was running around, just fucking wanking. And he ran at me and he soon tried to kiss her. And she fucking ran off the building.

I'll never go back again. Perks of the job. There was one time when my mum was telling one of the lads off because he was doing something wrong and he forced a shite out. And like, that's your fault. And you've got to clean it up. Is that why you do that?

Well, my... My missus's mate walks in a place similar to that in Dublin and it's all people with, you know, special needs and downs and that. And she says that one night... Down syndrome. One night, I used to have a dog called Syndrome. He kept jumping on people. He used to be riding down syndrome.

So she walked in this place and one of the blokes, for the whole shift that she was on for 12 hours just kept saying Stofroy Stofroy Stofroy Stofroy

and she went and she fucking made him a Stofroy and didn't just put it aside and just kept saying it the whole 12 hours Stofroy

Stofroy Stofroy Stofroy that was it would fucking never eat a Stofroy did you make one and he went I'm not into it

mad cedric has got some stories we can't tell them legally phenomenal woman shall we the knucklebackers ball would be uh your film yeah definitely 100 got a couple of have a words oh have we yeah send them in to have a word pod at gmail.com have a bitch about someone so this first one we've got is from sai uh lads i need you to have a word with my fiance this video came up on my Twitter about a woman who received a load of backlash for breastfeeding a puppy. I thought it was absolutely fucking mental and showed my missus as we have a little puppy,

but she argued that she understood the maternal instinct of it. We're new parents, so thought this might just be a weird new mother thing. But this debate went on for ages, and to prove a point, she lifted our little lab puppy up and let it suckle briefly. Have a word with her because I'm absolutely horrified,

or tell me if I'm overreacting. Just dinner, innit? What a woman. That might suck on women's tits and get a milk out of them. Oh. You're a human. Tell her I dress up as a dog every Halloween. You ever drank breast milk?

No. Do you know what would have been brilliant there if you'd have said, this is from Sawyer and everyone went... I did. Thank you for saying it's brilliant. Yeah, I did. When my wife's tits weren't working initially after my son was born.

She went working? Did you just live in Italy? You what? Did you just live in Italy? You say as I did when my wife's tits weren't working initially. He's got us, Liz. Sorry, sorry, Liz. It was pre-Brexit.

You have to express it. Hey! Yeah. Express yourself. Give me that immediately! Oh! And, yeah yeah it's like there's like a

claggy stuff that has to come through first and I it's cheese isn't it it's like the cream on the top of an old

bottle of milk that you used to have from the milkman no it's cheese yeah yeah yeah I had it on crackers what are you on about she's a cracker

she's a absolutely she's so white and it was great gave me a little chub on it was And it was great. Gave me a little chub on. It was a really intimate moment. Obviously, this is a different thing.

She's just feeding her dog, and I think he needs to grow up. But anything deity like that that feels a bit mad is just sexy, isn't it? Anything naughty, sexy. Are you just playing devil's dog-licking advocate? You can't have a dog on your tits. I can. I can and I will. What?

If you came home and you were like, you're right, love, and then you saw a puppy was suckling on your wife's breast, you'd be like, oh, it's just dinner, isn't it? I'll put mine on. What are you on about? It is just dinner, though. She's dog nonsense.

No. We drink cow's tits. We drink cow's tits. Not from the cow. Not directly. You don't see anybody who needs a farm when they need a fucking cow going like that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just put it on your frosties. Would you let a dog suck you off? That's like a rave move. No, it's not the same thing. A cow isn't milk, you know. It is for the woman. It isn't.

What if the dog wants the cunt? What? The dog wants milk. What if it wants the cunt? If the dog wants the cunt? No. The dog shall have it. What if it was a police dog?

Like, I don't want to get sucked off by a dog, but I'd happily let it lick my wife's tits. Cool. I'm not arguing with that. It's not just licking, though. I'm not arguing with that. On that note, bring in the dog. There's nothing sexual about it that It's not just I'm not arguing with that On that note Bring in the dog

There's nothing sexual about it It's just dinner No you If I came home And the dog was having A bolognese I wouldn't be like Oh stop eating the bolognese

No wait It's the same thing Okay what happens If you were Say you were out and about The dog's Can you go home The dog's having A bolognese from a bowl.

You're like, ah, look at it. And a glass of Prosecco. And it's licking garlic bread out of my wife's gooch. It's the same thing. Doesn't matter where the dinner is. Your missus is on all fours and a garlic bread coming out of her arsehole. What's your missus' name? Fucking Carvery, isn't it?

What happens if you were in the farm and there was an horse? All you can eat, Buffy. What? What happens if you're at the farm and there's an horse there and it looked ugly and she just whipped her tits out

and started feeding you? What would you feel about that? No, you don't feed other animals. It's got to be your dog. God, you've got to have some firm nipples to whip it out of the farm. What if it was your horse? Yeah.

Whatever they need. They want a little go on the tits. Sound. It's not a sex thing, is it? If I came home and she was fucking the dog, I'd be like,

this is my life. Here you go. I come round to your house. I come round to your house. Your missus is there and I'm starving. You haven't got anything in. I would love bolognese,

but you haven't got any. The dog's finished that. And you know, you go, hey, Dan, don't worry about it. You're starving. I won't have any friend of mine.

Carol, get your whaps out. And you can have just food in it. It's food. And yeah, and if I start wanking, that's inappropriate.

But if I'm eating, that's fine as well. If it's sexual, then I'm not having it. Oh no, it's just all nutrition for me. But I know you get turned on by it. Oh.

Like someone who doesn't get turned on by it can just have a little bit. You never know, you might get turned on by it as well. Maybe, maybe. I've never done it. I imagine I would get turned on by anything weird like that. Not I'm better than a woman square who doesn't have to have its milk or juice.

Like a door mouse as a gift, as a pet. Would you let that suck your wife's tits? Any pet, as long as you own it. A snake. A snake? Do snakes need milk, though? Door mouse? What Victorian reference was that?

A shrew. Door mouse? A shrew? Oh, I wouldn't let a vole suck my wife's tits. Horrible little cunt. Bring in the flat platypus. Yeah, what happens if you had like a fish? Like a big salmon? Carl, he's

going to die on this hill. He's dying on this hill. He's just let me suck milk out of his imaginary Mrs. Carol's tits. And you're like, hang on. No, Dan, that's not going to work. What about field mouse? Door mouse? Window mouse? field mouse? Door mouse? Window mouse?

Computer mouse? Danger mouse? Bed bugs. Look, I don't think it's that weird. I think if the dog's hungry and she wants to give it some tissy juice, it's all on her. Feed the world. We'll make it a better place.

Singing along with them. My thought is, no, I wouldn't be happy with it. But He's singing along with them My thought is No, I wouldn't be happy with it But what's your problem with it? Do you think your dog is trying to fuck? No You're not jealous of the dog? I think if your missus is doing something like that

She should be in the fucking film The Nutcracker's fucking party Yeah, yeah That's what I think But what if she's just like Not sexual to me? Little Fido was just a bit hungry So I gave him a bit of milk

Fido I wouldn't agree with it It wouldn gave him a bit of milk. Fido. I wouldn't agree with it. It wouldn't be something for me. Squirt it into a bowl, yeah. Hang on, what if she's not lactating? She's probably not. So the dog's just having a go on me wife's tits now? Bang out of order?

All right. It's only for dinner. I'm kind of lucky as well. My missus doesn't like dogs. So that wouldn't happen in my house. And you don't like cats, do you? I fucking hate cats. Why do you hate them? I fucking just hate them. I don't like cats do you? I fucking hate cats Why do you hate them?

I fucking just hate them I don't like them What use is a cat man? What use is a cat? I've got a cat Are you talking about like house cats? You're not talking about the big cats? I'm talking about cats in general

Lions? You ate lions? No like Fucking cats To be in the house Like a house cat? Yeah I've got a house cat

What use is a cat? Like there's no use for a cat The only I need to have my look at a cat. I've got a house cat. What use is a cat? Like, there's no use for a cat. The only... I need to have my own look at a cat, especially the back of a cat sometimes. It looks like one of them 1970s tea towel holders. You know, that you can put the tea towel into its fucking arsehole and leave it hanging.

I mean... They kill mice. Come here. You'll never see a cat in an airport. You'll never see a sniffer cat. You'll never see a cat in an airport. You don't like them. You'll never see a cat looking for money at a criminal thing

or looking for bodies. That's good. The dog's grass is dead. You should hate them. Yeah, but what about... Cats are fucking sweet. Cats are telling no one. You never see a good cat.

No, they couldn't give a fuck. You never see a blind fella walking across your fucking back wall like that, would you? Or bleeding stickly. They're of no use. So you respect sniffer dogs as someone who's done time for drugs? You fucking put the cat away. I think he's pointing. no use. So you respect sniffer dogs as someone who's done time for drugs? No.

Fucking put the cat amongst the pigeons. They're lazy. I think the point he's making is cats are just indifferent, aren't they? Just like, no, no, I was doing my thing, you do you. I've got a dog and a cat and I get the best of both worlds. You love the dog more. Of course, it's my dog.

A dog is a loyal creature. It's an old fact that dogs, if you died in a house, the dog... Of course, it's my dog. Look, a dog is a loyal creature, like, it's an own fact that dogs, if you died in a house, the dog will sit there with you until somebody finds you. A cat'll fucking eat you. Right? If someone... Would the dog not eat you eventually? Now, if your cat jumps a wall, four

walls down, and the people in that house are giving the cat nicer food than what you're giving your cat, your cat's not going back to you. Your cat's going to fuck off. They're unloyal. They're no good. They're pissing shit in the house in a box.

A dog will go outside the house. A dog will go. I've got a cat flapper. I need to go. He goes outside. I don't. No. I don't like them.

They're of no use. I'm sorry for anyone that loves cats. They are worse. Has a cat hit you in the past, Willa? No. No, I just don't like fucking cats. They're not my thing. I'm sorry for anyone that loves cats Has a cat ate you in the past Willa? Eh no No I just don't like fucking cats They're not my thing Like some people don't like horses

That's grand You can't steal and ride cats No Basically no No But no They're just of no use I appreciate that you are vehemently against them

I like my cat I only like my cat though No that's good Come here. I'm not knocking anyone that likes cats. Do you know what I mean? A lot of lugs like pussy

but cats are not I don't they're not they're just not my thing. I have no interest. Don't get me wrong. I'm a lover of animals.

I wouldn't like to see a cat being hoed or being ill-treated or anything like that. I'm very compassionate when it comes to animals like that but no

they can just fuck off generally. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Basically I could live without them. Yeah. Right. Should we do one more to round us off?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Right. This is from Madison Cromwell. Hey lids. I need you to have a word with my mate's missus.

Last night he told us she microwaves lemonade and drinks it before bed. They've been seeing each other for a few months and I think this is a red flag and he should be binned off. What are your thoughts? I've never heard, can you microwave fizzy drinks? Wouldn't it be like a letter electric?

What? It tastes like static. I can't imagine it being like, what's that? It tastes like a tank. I hate people like this, you know? I hate people who,

like, judge other people for the way they have their thing. Like, I just think it's bang out of order. Yeah, I'd agree with you there. I mean, look, who is to know? Because I am now thinking to myself, I just think it's bang out of order. Yeah, I'd agree with you there. I mean, look, who is to know? Because I am now

thinking to myself, I am going to throw a microwave and lemonade because it's probably the nicest drink you've ever drank in your life. So we're prejudging someone. Do you want me to go and do it?

No, you'll put a can. No, you'll put a can in the fucking microwave and blow it up. Yeah. Don't put a can in the microwave. Don't put a can in a mug. In a mug.

Into the mug, yeah. Yeah, I'll test it. Hey, you want a candle in a mug. Into the mug. Yeah. Yeah. I'll test it. Hey, you want a lemonade on a nice warm day. No one on a hot day is going, I really love a lemonade so much. Yeah, but it's winter. I've had like hot toddies though.

That's lemon, isn't it? Actually, maybe it's like a lemon sip. Yeah, hot lemon. Yeah. It's fine. Is she fit? I hate it when people judge me for my salt. Oh, you put loads of salt on your dinner.

Oh, what? You want it to taste like you like it, do you? Fucking cunt. I hate it when people judge me for my salt. Oh, you put loads of salt on your dinner. Oh, what, you want it to taste like you like it, do you? Fucking cunt. I hate it. Just let me do my thing and you do yours. Mild and salt. Goated. Yes.

No, what you're saying is you don't like to be judged for the weird stuff you do, but you do judge everyone else for doing it. Name one time I've judged one other person ever. I mean, I've got four years of this podcast. One example? No, it doesn't work like that. You can't remember specific examples. I've got four years. I've got four years of it. I could example? No, it doesn't work like that. You can't remember specific examples.

I've got four years. I've got four years. I could do a million, but you can't do one. I'm in this mood. This is what I think about this. You're totally judgmental. This podcast is about being judgmental.

You just don't like someone going, that's weird. Why are you doing that? You're like, fuck off. But I don't judge people for how they do their own drinks and food and stuff. But if I came to yours and they'd get me a lemonade and then put it in the microwave on your way over, I'd be like, I haven't judge people for how they do their own drinks and food and stuff. But if I said, if I came to yours and went get me a lemonade

and then put it in the microwave on your way over, you'd be like, I haven't got a microwave. Look at the amount of people that judged... People who have microwaves and Peter Fowles.

That judged Susan Boyle when she went on the X Factor before she sung the song. Yeah. Everyone's like, oh, look at her. She's going to be shit. She looks like she's been

in the microwave as well. Looked like she calmed her hair with fucking rock. We all laughed. We all judged her. And then she started singing and we were like, she's not so bad now.

Yeah. She's some hot lemonade. I wouldn't tell you, I wouldn't write her if she pedals on her hips. Let's call her Spidey Spade. The amount of people who tagged me in that video

of that woman in Belfast dipping her chips in her Guinness and going, oh, what do you think of this? I think, whatever you want, love. I dip me chips

in me Mackey's milkshake. Yeah, plus she's... Would you dip your Guinness in your Mackey's milkshake though? What? Would you dip your Guinness in your Mahi's milkshake, though? What? Would you dip your Guinness in your Mahi's milkshake? No, I wouldn't

because that's not what I want, but I wouldn't judge you if you want to do it, Carl. What's the weirdest food quirk you've got like that? Is that your weirdest one? What? Dipping me chips in...

I don't think it is a weird... I think it's quite a common one, isn't it? It's a common one, but it's still a niche thing, isn't it? Everyone does it. I like Worcestershire crisps.

Calm down. You are such a fucking... Corned beef brown sauce and Worcestershire crisps is like we had on Dan vs Food last week. Everyone judges me for that. Like, oh! Wartime food! Hot lemonade. Willa, tell us what it's like.

Oh my God. This is Willa vs drink. it's like yeah oh my god this is Willa versus drink hot lemonade not like that is it fizzing yeah of course it is it's like electric

that's what I said you are right go on verdict lad you're on temperature imagine if this just imagine if this kills one of the best comics

in Ireland imagine I put it in and my fucking dentures just melted onto the ground the whole of Ireland's like why did you kill a legend oh lads that's mental

seriously when you drink it whatever way the gas is it's fucking mad have a drink of that is it like electric like I said seriously is it that mental absolutely delicious we've been converted I want a bash Isn't that metal? Oh, let me have a go. Absolutely delicious.

We've been converted. Go on, grab it. I want a bash. It's unbelievable. It's barrel wash time. We're going to start high together. Pass it to Finn. If that was otter, it'd be nice.

Isn't that lovely? I'll be honest. I think the bubbles are smaller. Yeah, they are, but there's more of them. That's nice. Isn't that lovely? I'll be honest. I think the bubbles are smaller. Yeah, they are, but there's more of them. That's nice. Yeah. Right, they're smaller, but there's more of them. I think we're done. Well done to her. Yeah, we need to have a

little Madison. She should get an MBE for that. That's a fucking belt. See? Don't knock it till you've tried it, you judgmental cunt. Don't be writing it to us, asking us to judge people for doing perfectly reasonable things.

It's not what we do here. This woman's an angel. Yeah, and there's me in fucking prison refusing anal sex all these years. Come on, let's try it. Yeah. No, I hate it to pain the hole. That's class.

Oh, hey! It like shocks your tongue. Yeah. Isn't it? pain the hole. That's class art. Oh, hey. It like shocks your tongue. Yeah. Isn't it? I believe him. I'm ready for the Guinness now. So, use code WORD20 at the hot lemonade stand. Hot lemonade stand.

Hot lemonade. Will, have you got anything coming up? Or do you just want people to keep an eye out for when you're doing some stuff? A lot of the stuff I'm doing, luckily enough at the minute, well, I've got, the big one probably is the Olympia next year. Okay.

The 18th of October. There's a good few tickets sold for it already. But yeah, come here, I've loads of, I'm not kind of getting cocky, but I'm hoping it will sell out.

Lovely. So it's the first time I've done a solo show in all the years I've been doing stand-up. So it's a bit weird. I've always been a club comic or a support comic

or you know doing that so this is like my show it's called The White Stuff and for anyone that's into taking drugs

it's nothing to do with drugs don't be coming don't be coming thinking that it's going to be sponsored with a fucking Colombian cartel or anything like that it's not

it's just it's just stand-up and yeah looking forward just gigging on for Christmas he's a fucking brilliant comedian. Go and watch him.

My arena show is on sale. Adam Road, I code it UK. I've got a lot of dates being added. Black Pearl's getting added. Leeds, we're coming back. Huddersfield, we're going back there. I think we're going back to Bristol, maybe, or Brighton, or both.

There's a few coming. They're all going on sale on the 15th, but the arena show on the 18th of May is on sale and flying. I will hopefully see all of you in a sold-out Arena. I'm very excited. Adam Rowe. I used to live in

Huddersfield. Did you? Yeah. The Lawrence Batley Theatre. You're either going up a hill or down a hill in Huddersfield. And then I used to live on the other side of the water. I lived in Birkenhead. Lived on the prestigious Ford Estate. Oh, lovely. Rough as fuck.

Makes Ballymun look like fucking South Kensington in London. Yeah, Ford Estate is rough. Go and buy quiz tickets, please. It hasn't sold out. And if it doesn't sell out, there's less money to win. That's just a fact. All the ticket money goes into the yeah if you don't buy tickets you lose money think about it so sell it to your mate the first 50 in the door get hot lemonade

three thousand pounds to win thousands of pounds worth of prizes or over a thousand pounds sorry it's a good night it's monday bring your mates come and try and win some dough you'll pay for christmas bring your wife bring someone else's wife. Yes. Bring both of them. Yeah. Song? Yes, we've got a song. This is by a band called Glass Violet and this is their tune called Oxygen Machine.

Love this tune. Love it. It's a great tune, isn't it? Yeah. Bye-bye. Appreciate you, lads. See you, voila. They were right when they said

You would miss it in the end Walking the hallways reminded me always of a friend And all of the water we have to swim I still don't think you're right for him Mother we choked on nostalgia. So I wish you were before But I'm still inside Still 17 Still stuck inside the walls Of your oxygen machine

Long enough To see your voice Rimming in these rooms I know it anywhere I'd go anywhere, I'd go anywhere Some days I'd still hear you go I'd go anywhere, I'd go anywhere I'll wait for you in the rain She only speaks in arcades

It's a language that I'm used to But I never used to wait Now again I know that Thank you. break no more did you only find the place you were before but I'm still inside still 17 still stuck inside the walls of your oxygen machine no I'm not

singing voice within any choice We'll be right back. Growing old, we're fast Days like this won't last Growing old, we're fast Days like this won't last Growing old, we'll know We're back I'm still inside Still 17 Still stuck inside

The walls of your oxygen machine I'm I'm out of here. you