Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #255 with Laura Smyth - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: December 18, 2023

Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan Nightingale & Fiends Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.ukComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, Sensei Carl's Big Fat Quiz and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsCheck out Finn's music: https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20Supreme CBD | https://supremecbd.ukStress less and sleep better with Supreme CBD using code WORD40 at checkout to get 40% off sitewideFüm | https://tryfum.co.ukHead to tryfum.com/HAVEAWORD and use code HAVEAWORD to save an additional 10% off your order today.BetterHelp | https://betterhelp.com/word10Get 10% off your first month!NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Become one of the lids:https://patreon.com/haveawordpodTickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comFind us everywhere:https://haveaword.pageDiscord:https://discord.gg/haveawordpodFollow the podcast, our hosts and our guest on social media:Have A Wordhttps://facebook.com/haveawordpodhttps://twitter.com/haveawordpodhttps://instagram.com/haveawordpodAdam Rowehttps://facebook.com/adamrowecomedianhttps://twitter.com/adamrowecomedyhttps://instagram.com/adamrowecomedianDan Nightingalehttps://facebook.com/danhasapodcasthttps://twitter.com/danhasapodcasthttps://instagram.com/danhasapodcastLaura Smythhttps://twitter.com/thatlaurasmythhttps://instagram.com/thatlaurasmythADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey, before we get going today, it's Dan. I'd like to tell you about Dan Nightingale and Fiends. I know I said I wasn't doing a tour in 2024. Well, I kind of am. Instead of doing a full-blown hour-long show, which I have not got in me, I'm going to compare in 2024. It's going to be my gig, the CCC, second Saturday of every month in Chester. And then there's also going to be a run of shows around the country in some of my favorite rooms I'm going to call it Dan Nightingale and Fiends so it's going to be me hosting introducing some absolute smashers some podcast favorites doing sets we're also going to have Dean Coghlan and Amy Owens from the Mild High Club I love gigging with those guys Amy's going

to be on merch Dean's going to be doing a set. Check out all of these amazing venues at dannightingale.com. We've got four shows in Liverpool. We've got North and South Manchester, Coupland, Runcorn, Longridge, Hull, Glasgow, Wigan, Chorley, Cardiff, Stourbridge, Carlisle, Grappanore, Neil, Warrington, Leicester, Newcastle, Brighton, St. Ellen, Southport, York, Darwin. We're going back over to Dublin, Leeds,, Newcastle, Brighton St Ellen, Southport York, Darwin. We're going back over to Dublin, Leeds, Teesside and Sheffield.

These shows are all available on sale now at dannightingale.com. And some funny acts are going to be on these bills. It's going to be at least one of Mike Rice, Ishan Akbar, Mark Nelson is doing a few. Mike Rice, Ishan Akbar, Mark Nelson is doing a few, Kai Humphries is doing a couple, and there'll be some unlisted bad motherfuckers coming on to have fun.

With the tour, I was doing three or four shows a week, and you've just got to get your head down and smash the shows. These, it's going to basically be one a week, March through November. I'm going to be staying over, I'm going to be getting on it, it's going to be the best type of comedy mayhem. Get your tickets at dannightingale.com.

Appreciate you. Enjoy the episode. What's happening, lads? Before we start today's amazing episode, got to tell you about Adam Rowe's tour that is still on. It is still on. I've got some dates left this year and more dates into next year, and it's been extended as far as May next year.

Some really big news coming soon. The big show left this year and more dates into next year. And it's been extended as far as May next year. Some really big news coming soon. The big show left this year, Manchester Apollo on the 9th of December. There's still some tickets left up the back of the circle. Go and get them and come and be part of the biggest night of my career as a personal, as a solo artist so far.

I'm very, very excited. But there are dates all over the country and all over Ireland as well. adamrow.co.uk for all of your tickets. Now, this is the Hathaway podcast. I'm sure you're aware of that. But we have got the biggest and best Patreon in the UK and one of the biggest on the planet.

Why is it one of the biggest and best, Daniel? Because every week we do a Patreon exclusive, an hour, an hour and a half of just the lads talking shit. Hyperbolic's the best podcasting we do and that's only available on Patreon. £3 a month, £5 a month, or £10 a month. You can pick your tier, but even from just £3 a month,

you get access to the extra episode every week. You get early access to these public episodes. And on top of that, the piece de resistance for us is our monthly Patreon specials. The roast of Adam and Dan. We've done two ghost hunts. The amount of lock-ins we've done in here

where we all get pissed. There's so- Nashville. The ghost hunts. Oh my God, there's so many. Amsterdam. Are we up to about 25 plus now? There's so many.

There's so much content there and you get it all immediately the second you sign up for three quid. For three quid. Patreon.com slash have a word pod. Pause the video, go and sign up, and then come back because this week's episode is about to end.

Join the Lidda, honey. Get on me. only have our word. Brought to you by Manscaped, the very best products on the market for below the waist groomers. Go, Ed, get on me. How are we? Tremendous. How are you, my love? I'm alright. I'm a little under the weather.

Just a little. I haven't slept brilliantly. You're going to be fine. You're with friends? You're one of the best podcasters in the country. I just wake up like every half an hour and I went immediately back to sleep every time. But just waking up, so I've just woke up feeling a bit...

We've got you, Boo. We've got you. This is reminding me, I've got a present for you. You know, I, like a nana, bought loads of presents dead early in the year because I get in my head

that I'm not good at presents and I saw stuff and I was like, fuck it, I'll buy it. So I've had these at home for ages. And then we all decided that we got secret sans we were doing that which was fine great but then what am i doing with these so i'm going to give them out is that all right i mean if you only give yourself now i'm not i'm not wrapped too but carl that's for you oh catch it catch it denny should i open it now or wait for everyone else yeah no don't open it open it

Catch it! Catch it, Denny! Shall I open it now or wait for everyone else? Yeah, no, don't... Open it, open it. These are going to be in your prezzies. Finn? Sick! Of course, from the show Breaking Bad and... There you go. There you go.

What was it, Carl? None of us have seen it. Oh, it's a Los Pollos Hermanos mug, and it is a Better-class old mug. Ooh. It's my second one of the day. And a baseball jacket. It is. You wait for Turkish football tops all year round,

and then two come at once. And then another one for Finn, because he's my son. There you go Finn thanks dad Merry Christmas everyone where's Adam gone obviously going to look in the mirror doesn't he

he's gone to look in the mirror obviously it's a bit of him though isn't it it is a San Francisco Giants proper baseball jacket

why do you want to call him why an Oasis poster there you go Merry Christmas boys thank you that is the best fitting varsity jacket

I've ever tried on. And it's got a zip in it as well. So it's just one of those buttony-uppy ones. It's lovely on the shoulders. Down on the shoulders. You're not a nana. You've smashed this. That's all right, isn't it?

It is. There you go. Thank you. Merry Christmas, boys. Merry Christmas. I haven't got anything back. You don't have to get me anything back because it's just,

it's a technicality, isn't it? You don't have to give me anything. Oh, that just it's a technicality innit you don't have to give me anything oh that's lovely a soggy straw on the top of a coffee that's lovely Arden

you smashed it that's the best fitting soggy straw you've ever tried that you're leaving the salt and pepper oh you don't need that later so Merry Christmas you filthy animals

thank you sir I'm into it now I'm there I'm absolutely into it I'm. I'm into it now. I'm there. I'm absolutely into it. I'm ready. I'm ready for Christmas. I'm getting there. Because I pretend to be into it for a while,

but I listened to the Muppets Christmas Carol soundtrack on Alexa last night, and it's really caught the imagination. I'm in. I'm ready for some Christmas booze in, which we've got planned in. We've got our fucking work Christmas due because we've got a grown-up fucking proper company. Oh which we've got planned in. We've got a fucking work Christmas do because we've got a grown up fucking proper company.

Oh, we've got to go to Las Vegas tomorrow. And then you're going to Las Vegas. What's more Christmassy than Las Vegas with the lads? There'll be so many lights there. Oh, the UFC 298? Six. Oh, God. And I think my cock's got bigger.

Oh, and you're having a good cock Christmas. So, you know, I've been telling you, I've been having like good cock days. I think I've just got good cock. You're just having more sex. Haven't you been telling us about good cock for ages though? No, but like... You mean it this time?

No, it's not when it's hard. That's pretty consistent. But like, I've just, I've got more of a shower than I used to have. In the winter as well? Yeah. Oh my God. Imagine when the summer comes round.

Isn't that just more intercourse? What? Just the result of more intercourse. I don't think so. I've always been into pussy. Is it swelling? Maybe. It sounds soft.

I did trap it in the fridge door. Oh, where's that pussy? Also, isn't your fridge door like high? Next to the butter. What? Is your fridge all dead high? Next to the butter. What? Your tiptoes, isn't your fridge all dead high? Yeah. Freezing on.

And a boner. Yeah, good for you, mate. I'm really glad. Just thought to let you know. It's so nice to hear about your dick so much. Really, it genuinely is. It really is. Danny, are you coming to Vegas?

Did you book one? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Surprise! That would be the best Christmas present you could have got me. No.

No, I'm, I'm. You'd like to though? Just the fucking old ball and chain, wouldn't you know? If every week was 12 days, yeah,

I don't know, I don't know, yeah. If, honestly, if Laura leaves me, I can move to Las Vegas. Where do you want to go?

If she just fucking fucks off. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. But I can't because I love her and she makes me dead happy. But if she fucked off, I'd be so scorned. You want to see me scorned. I'm going to be way more fun scorned. Whoa.

Watch me go then. But right now, she's the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I love being at home with more fun scorned. Whoa. Watch me go then. But right now, she's the best thing that's ever happened to me and I love being at home with my kids. Well done. But if she dares fuck me off and move back to Nottingham or some shit

or Sheffield, because that's where my family is. You know what I mean? Watch me go. I'd be like, lads, we're going to Vegas. They'd be like, oh, we just got back. I'm like, we're going again i'm like we're going again stay in vegas oh that'd be sad

do a bit of this wanking men off the best place to do in the world yeah a bit of craps snake eyes baby is on me um so what's you're going to Vegas To Mozzie's Yeah And Then you'll get there Jet lagged With all the budget That's gonna be fun Isn't it

Lads we've gotta stay up Till midnight Our flight times Make everything really good To be honest Because we fly at half Or in the afternoon We get there at like

Eight Las Vegas time And by the time We're in my hotel And I've got a little bite to eat It'll be eleven o'clock And we'll be ready for bed So we can just wake up

The next day. That's not how first night with the boys works. I'm sleeping on the plane and not doing anything. Come on. You know that. You've met you. I don't know if this big dick has changed it. What are you on about?

No, Adam, when you get to Vegas with the boys, you go to bed. Yeah, yeah. We did say the same thing. Adam wrote, right, everyone, okay. What are you doing? Reading. You're going to just scroll a bit. Right, night, night. Yeah, yeah. We did say the same thing. We famously, Adam wrote, right, everyone, okay. What are you doing? Reading? You're going to just scroll a bit? Right, night, night.

There you go. There's a buffalo. All right, buffalo for the lads. I've been told, by the way, not to turn the air con on because apparently it's full of oxygen to keep you awake. And I've had a lot of people

at first in the experience. What? When you stay in the casino hotels. As opposed to being full of what? What the fuck are you talking about? They pump oxygen into your room through the air con. They pump oxygen into the room? Oh, no, I'm going to be able to breathe.

What are you talking about? You do realise oxygen puts you asleep. It makes you tired. It sort of keeps you awake. It stops you going to sleep. You didn't realise the wrong thing I said. You didn't realise carbon monoxide is actually fine instead of being a massive pussy.

What? I thought that was just in the casino car. I don't think that's in the whole... Oh yeah, they stop at the casino. Shut the doors, don't do it in the rooms where they want. Keep them away. So you think... By someone who's full of shit. Go to Bellagio, ask for a coffee,

you get methamphetamine. That's a fact. I've been told. So they pump oxygen into your bedroom so that you can't told. So they pump oxygen into your bedroom so that you can't sleep. So you go to the casino? Right. Why do I think that's not a good business model?

Because it isn't. Why isn't it? Google says no. Who told you this? John. Ah, yeah. Was it a random follower? No.

It was a person I've met on the train. random follower? No. It was a person that I've met on the train. Why are we trying to call out bullshit? The whole podcast is bullshit.

Fair enough. I'm not saying I'd rather fucking roast to death than stay awake. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the same when you stay in Brighton

because they put poppers through the air con and then you end up bumming someone which is weird because you've got to lose a bum bum. And then you end up bumming someone, which is weird. Why? Because you've got to lose your bum bum.

Why Brighton though then? What? Because it's the gay capital of the UK. And they like bumming. What if they're women? What? Gay women. Poppers opens your pussy up.

Oh dear. Does it? Yeah. No, it's just bum all, isn't it? It's all your orifices. Really? Orifices. I don't know if you...

Your mouth gets massive. Yeah. You can hear things from miles away while you're getting bummed. Oh, my God. There's a whale at sea. Can you Google that? Huh?

Do poppers open your pussy? They definitely do your bum all, don't they? Oh, that time when that girl got poppers out after a night out and just put it on the side and then we got naked and my dick didn't work.

Oh. Do you know what you can't have via accurate and then have poppers because it can kill you if you have viagra followed by poppers like having nine bananas in it um yeah it does it does does it loosen up because poppers increases blood flow and can relax the walls of the anus and vagina yeah wow does it make your dick hole bigger? One minute. There's no elasticity in your pop star. He wants to be a musician. He wants to be a serious musician. Just Google that, please. Does poppers make your dick hole bigger?

Nice one, Finn. No. You haven't got a record deal yet. No elasticity on it. Oh, sorry. You know your dick holes. It is a semi-permeable memory. Oh, God. Right, let's get some poppers. oh sorry you know your dick holes it is a semi-permeable memory oh god right

let's get some poppers I've had poppers what I've had poppers loads have you yeah it's just it makes your head off doesn't it

yeah it's called rumaroma you get it in the offy rumaroma it's cold yeah my mum puts it on potpourri yeah yeah yeah you go around there. Fucking hell.

Look at that. No, so obviously they can't sell it as a class L drug or whatever it is because it's basically just fucking like brain liquor. They call it room aroma so they can sell it as like, oh, it's just an odor, but really it makes your bum all big.

Odor bum all. As they say in France. Room aroma it's called. Room aroma. Brilliant. When they start selling cocaine, it's called. Room aroma. Brilliant. When they start selling cocaine, it's like confidence giver. I just...

Is that how you get around? Please hand that stupid, Andy. What do you mean? What's this in your pocket? Confidence giver, that's it. Put it back. It's the same for NOS, isn't it? I feel nerves.

Tell you what, these... At Clone Zone, there's literally dildos, whips, butt plugs, and then room aroma. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And Nos is sold as whipped cream.

Yeah. Because we used to use it in Miyagi for the whipped cream. And we were like, oh, we could get some. Nos. Laugh and gas. Laugh and gas. Balloons. Have you ever had a balloon, Dan?

They're unbelievable, mate. No, they're not. What? And you look so stupid doing it. Yeah. You look so stupid out of the balloon. We did it that many at our Christmas party once that the operations manager came in the next day

and didn't know what the canisters were and literally went fucking ape shit. Everyone get in here now and clean this metal up. Clean this metal up? Yeah, there's metal everywhere. And listening to music when doing them is fucking- Music? Music.

Music. Music. Listening to music. Metal music. Listening to music when you're doing them is music music music listening to music metal music listening to music uh when you're doing them is wild it's hilarious yeah drug what i'm sorry are you telling someone who's done drugs no listening to music while doing drugs is good for music you blow me away it's only a short term effect i know mate have you done it dan uh i think we did it a little bit but to now when did i do it when i was 27 i think i was like already a bit like what we're doing like you've got a balloon and then you breathe in and i just think everyone just looked fucking stupid it doesn't look stupid all drugs look stupid yeah but they don't look like you're a

pedophile at a kid's party do they you know what I mean? At least with most drugs you just get to You look more stupid doing a balloon than doing like cocaine off a hooker's head. Yeah, he's right. I can't argue with that. Have you ever tried doing a balloon off a hooker's arsehole? But then it's just helium, you go, hello!

No, I don't think, I don't know. It's a good prank. Balloons seem to be a good thing. I don't think i don't know prank i don't balloons balloons i don't need drugs me i'm high on life and negronis yeah and then coffee and coffee alcohol and then sometimes drugs but apart from that oh you know what this is don't you you? There's a new fucking UN here, don't they? Oh, yeah. Are you ready for this? You think golf was a thing? Get him a button. Woo!

Oh, my word. Fucking Danny Cole plunge. Oh, Adam. Oh, I've seen you in your little bucket. Oh, you're going to love it. Obsessed. Oh, you are going to love it. How do I seem?

Good? You do, actually. I'm flying, mate. You know why? Because I haven't seen my dick for seven days. I'm having a terrible dick winter. It's hibernating like a fucking nervy squirrel. So three minutes 20.

Ooh. But I felt the cold after the three minutes 20. Like I didn't like the feeling afterwards. I got some elation and then i couldn't get warm for a bit so someone has got in so since it's on the patreon episode that is out now ishan studying for adam i banged on about this uh the lump on my foot has gone down i feel amazing it's an unbelievable start to the day i thought i was going to be shit at it the first time i went and i couldn't do more than 17 seconds i'm now up to three minutes i love it i'm doing it

twice a day it's fucking immense and i don't think i want to push for 15 minutes i think i'd rather try and get the temperature down and do two three minutes at like three two three degrees 15 minutes apparently that's the optimal time old vim hoff and uh some of the people that do it say that 10 to 15 minutes but i've had loads of people in my dms this morning going oh mate i'm so made up that you're into it it's brilliant it's done me the world of good but uh genuinely two minutes or three minutes is going to get you all the benefits with like i came out after three and a half minutes and i don't know if maybe just that's how i was feeling that day or whatever but i couldn't shake the feeling of cold in me

like i feel like it gone into my bones whereas the other mornings you just literally it's like you it's just invigorating it's a bit like having a line of coke there was a comment saying that you should be moving about though and if you stay you stay still, it builds up a resistance. And that's not what you're meant to do. Maybe that's what I've been trying to do. Right, well, I'll do the fucking Macarena when I'm in this one. Cool. I'm into it. Get me one.

Oh, it's so good. So. You live in an apartment. So. Got a roof. Got a spare room. A spare roof. A spare room.

Yeah. You can put a cold thing in the spare room, can't you? Yeah, just make it like a wet play area. There's a lot of splash, but you're used to that. You know? Isn't it meant to be like hose pipe to fill it? Just like with the dish, the dish bucket, what do you call it?

What do you call that? What's it called? What? Moussy. What's that called that you put the dishes in? I haven't got one. The plastic things? The dish bowl.

Dish bowl, that's the one. Yeah. The washing up bowl. That's the one, yeah. I like knowing I never use words before. The water container. Do I need one of them, or could I just put some fucking ice in my bath?

You can do that, yeah. Yeah, I think you can, but don't do that. It's not as cool that's not cool i want one but oh my god oh lads get so we need a spot we need to get it's good for stripping fat off you as well you'll lose weight it's good for strippers as well it's good for fat strippers i thought i thought you got in the sauna to lose weight is it the opposite way you do both any extremes going for the body and the mind and the soul Is it the opposite way?

You do both. Any extremes, going for the body and the mind and the soul. That's why I get sauna, cold plunge, paraglide. That's me.

Yeah, and then join ISIS. That is extreme. We've all got lovely souls, though. I do want to go. I reckon I'll, I've done it in tough mode

that we did the, into the ice. That was hard. It's sore, isn't it? I can't, mate. Even Laura's done it in tough mode. We did the into the ice. That was hard. It's sore, isn't it? Mate, even Laura's done it and she likes it. Everyone needs to get on board with this. We need a sponsor. Steve's working on it because I am not going to stop.

But if you ask me about this shit, I will bang on about it. It feels fucking great. Can we get one in here, indoors? Water goes everywhere. It pisses water because you fill it to a level and then once you get in it's very hard stop water going over peristalsis yeah also you want it up above your shoulders oh guys talk to me about gall plungers that's it etta got two toes in cried and has never been anywhere she was like oh if you're doing it i want to do what angle was she putting her foot in i

tried to lower her in. It's the Archimedes effect, I apologise. Of course. Yeah, thank you. Pedestalsis is the use of muscles. Are we going to become cold plunge guys? Oh, please. A cold plunge podcast.

If you can still have a dig... What? A dig? If you can still have a dig day... If you can have a good dick day after a four degree cold plunge, then your dick is well up there. Aren't you meant to be like for abs though? Isn't it meant to be zero? Four degrees is like the bath in it.

What? Isn't that warm? Four degrees. No, even like 30 degrees Fahrenheit is cold enough for it to give you the benefits. I have looked into this before. Fahrenheit? Yeah, because all the people who talk about it are American gobshites, aren't they? Oh, bloody hell, it's 25 outside, it's freezing. What's 30 degrees Fahrenheit? Yeah, because all the people who talk about it are American gobshites, aren't they? Oh, bloody hell, it's 25 outside, it's freezing.

What's 30 degrees Fahrenheit? Because I've been doing it about five, six, and it feels cold, Carl. I mean, you're saying... Minus one. Yeah, yeah. 30 degrees Fahrenheit, that'll work. So what do you think you've been doing that?

Four, six, seven degrees. What's 50 what do you think you've been doing at 4 6 7 degrees what's 50 50 Fahrenheit yeah is 10 degrees

in the middle that's the bath isn't it that's awful so you want it about 40 degrees Fahrenheit yeah that's what I meant

in the middle for about 20 minutes what I do want to go I don't know I like it. I know. Come round to yours for a cold plunge day.

Oh, absolutely. Have you been to it yet? No. No, we're going to do a nice barbecue. We're going to do a nice barbecue in the summer

if that's alright. Are we? Yeah. You've been saying this since you were 20. Carl's been round. It was absolutely lovely. The kids love him.

Yeah, Wallace is the guinea pig. You should have said you wanted to come. That was good you didn't even state a preference I'd like to do like a barbecue

with everyone and we'll get Tom that's smoked face griller Tom can do it yeah he's the goat isn't he

alright I do want you round but you're a very busy man you know and also Carl's just so much more we're closer you know

we're more available to each other how was the Apollo Adam did you enjoy it? I did enjoy it. It was a very long and difficult day. I was up at seven to go to the passport office because I lost my passport five days

before flying to Las Vegas. 10 out of 10. Would not recommend for your stress levels. So I found out Friday night that I'd lost it. Turned the flats upside down. It's a good job you checked because I haven't looked at my passport since we last went on Aldi. So I might not be night that I'd lost it. Turned the flats upside down. It's a good job you checked, because I haven't looked at my passport since we last went on Aldi.

So I might not be going to Vegas either, to be honest. I've got no idea where this passport can be. Like, I've looked in every bag, in every corner of my flat, every single inch of it I've turned. Emptied everything that it could possibly be, in every drawer. It is not in my apartment at all.

When did you last go away? Text me ex-girlfriend and was like, I don't suppose like when, like in- Greece. In the source of- Greece, yeah. Was it Greece?

Yeah, Greece was the last one. And I was like, I don't suppose I've sort of left it in yours. She's like, absolutely not. You know what? If I had it, I'd have like insisted dropping it off. She was like,

even she was like, if you need help looking for it, like I can look in my bags in here, like just let me know.. She was like, even she was like, if you need help looking for it, like I can look in my bags in here, like just let me know. And I was like, no, just don't worry about it. I went to passport office first thing Saturday morning and was just like, I've heard you can do one day passports. And they were like, yeah, for a renewal,

not for a lost one. And they went, are you going for work? And I said, yes. Technically you are. And you should have said. No, I said yes. And they went, well, then for work? And I said, yes. Technically you are. And you should have said. No, I said yes. And they went, well, then you can get a one-day passport, but what we'll need you to do is go and get a letter signed from your boss.

And I said, I'm the director of the company. And she said, well, then you can't get it. And I said, so you're telling me everyone who works for me could get a one-day passport, but I can't because I own the company. And they went yeah that's how it works i went what if i got my business partner to write a letter for me and they went unless you were demoted so you were below him oh they proven that i would accept the proposal for one day only i run this

so then what we can do is if you want to work for me in car let us know i said fine with it i said so can you find a pen yep what can i do and they go well we can do a one week fast track we'll do this morning for you do straight away and you just have to hope it comes in less than a week it probably will but that is off the record we can't guarantee it so since then i've been anxiously waiting for passport sugar pit bacon right over the counter i think you can make a gay i literally said to the fella i the fella at the door i literally said to him i went can anyone else hear us right now and he went he went what do you mean i said is there like microphones

and he went what would there be microphones for and i said i will pay you but i'll put money in your bank to make this happen today and he was like i can't do it so they did a one week what an amazing way to go to prison right you have just tried to bribe a civil servant no that's is that legal three months is it legal to bribe a civil servant. No, that's... Is that legal? Three months. Is it legal to bribe a civil servant? Do you know what? Probably...

There's probably rules about it. It probably is. I wouldn't think it would be on Adam. I don't think he's committed a crime. The pensions office is civil servants, isn't it?

That's probably... That's to do with money. Yeah, maybe you're in a bit of choppy water. Sorry, go on. It is illegal to bribe a civil servant. Well, luckily,

he was just a security guard, so it didn't matter anyway. Oh, right. So... What the fuck are you asking? Sorry, I know you work at the Costa around the corner. I give you a thousand pounds. Could you sort this out?

You know, you sell them coffees. Fucking brilliant. All right, lad. So anyway, they fast-tracked it, and luckily I got a text before saying it's on the way. We fly to Vegas tomorrow. It's all worked out. So that was 8 o'clock.

8 a.m. Saturday morning before the Apollo was that. Get to Manchester to watch the game. Didn't get there in time, so went to the Apollo to drop the equipment off. Then went and watched the second half of the Liverpool game. then went back to the Apollo to do the sound check which took nearly two hours instead of the half an hour it can usually take it's because there was so much more tech light it looked incredible um it just took a little bit longer then went back to the hotel to try and nap and a few little things went on and I was dealing with things on my phone

and talking to people who were coming to the show and I just couldn't nap. So then before I went on stage at the Apollo, I was literally dead on my feet. I'd had five hours sleep the night before because I was up till two o'clock looking for my passport. I'd got up at seven to go and get my passport sorted. I'd had five hours sleep and been up since 7am. And also there was 14.2 million people trying to drive around Manchester on Saturday night.

Unbelievable. I left my hotel in Manchester city center at half six and got to the Apollo, which is in Manchester at eight o'clock. It took an hour and a half to go from Manchester to Manchester. It's fucking insane. So I get there and I am literally dead on my feet. Like I've just, I'm asleep basically. I don't really remember getting to the Apollo.

Yeah, you were dazed when you walked in. And I had six espressos and the coffee as well. So I had the Nescafe coffee, like an instant coffee and that didn't do anything. So then, you know, those little Nespresso pods

that are double espresso. I had three of them while Brennan, Alfie and Jamie were on. I just, I went to Gordon. I went, he's like one of the tech managers and a tour manager for a lot of big people. I said, could you just do me three of those pods? He's like, they're a double espresso.

I went, just do me three of the pods. Just do them. And he went, do you want any water or milk? I went, just do me the pods. I went, I just need, I need a fucking liquid cocaine. That's why big acts do cocaine. Yeah.

How'd you do a world tour? 300 nights a year? Like, how'd you do it? It was mad. So, also having loads of people come to these events. I knew we were all there, but then when we got to the after party,

there was about, you had about 35, 40 people, didn't you? There was loads. Hard tying that all together, isn't it? And yeah, it was... I tried to clear the dressing room for you when you got there. Yeah, because I seen you see me and go, oh, he doesn't want everyone here. But that's not what it was... I tried to clear the dressing room for you when you got there. Yeah, because I've seen you see me and go,

oh, he doesn't want everyone here. But that's not what it was. And I genuinely... So I would have been like, I need a little bit of chill. But you don't thrive on like that. You're fine with the... I get energized by people. And also I knew I was going to get half an hour

while everyone was on stage. Right, cool, cool, cool. So yeah, I don't remember every minute of the show because i was tired and off me fucking tits on caffeine um but i just know it was the best show of the tour and the fight kicking off the footage from that will be great and we made it funny the lads really said i got an email did you see the email the lads tried to explain what happened and he's very apologetic about what someone's drink played out basically the lads were sat there they're very much on board they'll be watching this now and someone went to them oi shut the fuck up talking and it wasn't

them and his mate is prone to being like who the fuck are you talking about so it there was a little bit of words and then his mate threw the drink and And then that's, you have to go then. But he was very apologetic. Like he, it wasn't just some cunts who were like, I don't give a fuck. They do. It just kicked off. And all of a sudden they'd been booted out.

Jack Finnegan was there in a shock. Oh yeah. All the staff just trotted around. All the staff just watched them and went, oh. No, they moved past because we were stood at the back. They all moved past. It's like, oh, there's a fight. And I watched them and they sort of congregated near it and let Jack Finnegan go in like the BFG

and fucking snap someone. What a load of shit. It was a very special night and like the pictures look great and it's just doing that venue. It's just insane and I can't wait to do it again it's great show fucking brilliant show it's a very um it's very impressive stand up some of it i think you've got one of my favorite bits of stand up in it the anxiety oh it's so wonderful and i wish i'd watched it in that watch that bit in the crowd but me all of us were like four or five rows back weren't we

struggle to watch comedy four or five rows back in a venue that big i'm like i'm not used to this yeah it feels so much more natural to watch it at the back um it's a brilliant show it's gonna i think it's gonna look incredible when it's filmed and on on on youtube or wherever it ends up i think it's fascinating really honest open with some huge fucking laughs i just i wanted this show to be a lot more personal than the stuff i've done before because i feel like it's quite interesting really juicy as a special is one long story but people said they sort of got to know more of me from that show and then we've been so open and honest on this and people feel like they get more of us from this but i don't think i've ever done that in in stand-up before i'm really given a sort of a bit of me away so uh and because i haven't done that in any of the other specials club comic is now at a 40 minutes

of club comedy imperious is all out with it's all about other people and none of it's about me. Juicy is one story, one thing happened, here's what happened. This, I just wanted it all to be inward and I think I've got pretty close. There's some real vulnerability in it, isn't there?

Can I be honest? So, seeing Juicy is now my favourite way of you doing comedy. Yeah. Now I've seen all, now I've seen Infamous, What's Wrong With Me and Juicy. When I compare them,

all three, that's my favourite way of watching you do comedy juicy yeah yeah well that it the interesting thing with it is i had so many messages after juicy which were when are you going to do something like this again because this is what i want from you and it was thousands of messages that's not hyperbole thousands of people going, do more of this. And with this show, I've tried to do like a combination of... This is more like juicy than it is imperious. Yeah, yeah, totally. That second half is... There was points where I was like, you're like you really you're going telling the story and

really like it's honest open interesting points you're not rushing to a punch line like most comics would like i fucking would it's it's that's a bit more like juicy than it is imperious well i'm i'm glad to hear that um because that is definitely what we're aiming towards i want there to be juicified rather than another juicy for something to be like juicy again it has to have so much to it and i think i've had an idea for another juicy like show like in the past few days i've been thinking about what i want to do next i actually think it's possible i don't know what's going to happen i don't want to plan too far ahead but in my head this tour finishes in may and if there's a couple of international dates afterwards let's say it finishes july i am i think i'm going to go back to clubs for 18 months before i tour again and i think my next special might be club comic too

i want to go back and learn how to be a club comic again because i don't feel as good as i once was in a club um definitely and you do lose that you do lose a little bit to be good at the long form stuff it'll take you a month to get back yeah exactly it's not going to take you long um so i think that might be that but then after i don't know what i want to do next i don't know when i want to do a big tour again and i don't know what I want to do next. I don't know when I want to do a big tour again. And I don't know what I want the next show to look like. But I've had an idea for something that would be juicy-esque. And I also think it's possible I could work on this new idea whilst doing clubs and have them be completely separate projects and separate them from each other.

Yeah, I've had an idea um it's nice isn't it it's nice to get i mean you're not at the end but you've still got a whole chunk but i'm actually only about halfway through which is mental to go i'm gonna have a little gear gear shift here and do something different but i'm not finished with this one yet it's it's a very good show at the minute but it's not done there's some creases that need ironing and uh i've got until march when we film it and then may is the last uh the last uk days at least so a little bit of time but thank you to everyone who came to the first leg of the tour uh from october through till well september i suppose if you count the europeans september through till now it's uh it's been absolutely unbelievable some of some genuine

bucket list venues the apollo means so much to me as a venue and the fact i've got to do it and have all of you there and other people there who mean a lot to me was was really great and i'm very very very excited now i work in sort of like uh focus points in terms of dates so i like building up to the apollo i was like i need the show to be a good version of itself by the apollo the show's in the build-up to it not that they didn't matter but we're all leading towards the apollo and now it's the empire and then after the empire is done it'll be the arena but the next step is to get this show ready to be filmed and what me and alfie have done by the way alfie brown i know i talk about him a lot um not only one of my best mates and we get like closer by the week at the

minute um not only is he one of my favorite comedians and he's just so good at directing and he had this idea a while back what he said was there's a lot of laughs that stand-ups only get in the room he's like there's when you watch a stand-up special and the audience are clapping and laughing and you're just sat on your couch going that wasn't my favorite bit he's like that's because the momentum of a room and the energy of a room can get you laughs in places that the jokes don't really deserve yeah and he said can we film the apollo as if we're filming the special just from similar camera angles the ones we're going to use in the empire or at least several just not just like one camera and let's watch it

as if that's the special and see which bits are only getting laughs in the room and not on the screen. Fascinating. So that's why we had five cameras in there on Saturday and that was for this. So before we start the tour again on the 18th of January, me and Alfie are going to watch the Apollo as if that's the finished special. To go, this works, that doesn't. And see which jokes don't actually belong in it. That's how you make a fucking good special.

There's a lot of work. There's more. This is the honest truth. Not to keep wanking myself off but the reaction to juicy was so unbelievable and i know it i knew before i even started working on this show that it was going to be very difficult to top juicy because of what carl's just said because of what it is and how it stands alone and it's it's one story and, you know, people gave a shit about the story. It was always going to be hard for this to be better.

So to try and equalise that and bring it close to it, we're just putting more effort in. So that's why Alfie is directing at every single tour show. He watches every show and gives me notes off it because that's the only way to get it even as close to Juicy as possible. And and before we film this we're filming it we've already filmed this so that we can watch it and change it and like if if the manchester apollo the other night was the night where we go right we're filming the special i'd have been very happy with that show

to be the finished special it was good enough for that but is it good enough for it to be the finished special and to be the special that i've released that follows juicy i don't know talking about legacy and yeah i want it i want it to be really really good so there's so much more effort and attention to detail going into this one than anything i've ever done before because it requires it because of the work that's gone before and that's down to alfie's insight going we're doing it this way um and i'm very lucky to have him involved and i've already told him i'm never doing an hour of stand-up without him involved again. And he has to just write off years of his life to direct me rather than do his own stuff.

There you go. Shall we have a break? Yeah. I've had a second coffee. I'm ready to fight. Who's? Who do you reckon will win the fight, genuinely? Adam.

I used to. Because he's mean. It's horrible. He's got that killer instinct. Okay, then what happens if your fatherly instinct kicked in? My fatherly instinct? And I just put him on my nipple and suckled. No, he was going for Etta.

If Adam was trying to hurt my daughter. No, not hurt her. Just doing something you didn't want him to do. And have I got weapons? The only other thing that that could be is so much worse than trying to uncle Adam's a pedo. I don't like, you know,

give it a substance. You don't want it to have like a balloon or something. I don't know. I'm trying to, you're tracking back from pedophile. I was never going there. You went there. No,

you went there. No, I promise. I never car. I promise. I wasn't going there. We had it. We all had it.

What if Adam was trying to hurt Etta that's awful or give her a substance that she's not allowed you know sugar before bed yeah I imagine it was 9pm and Adam's going to give her a big bag of Skittles

oh yeah I'd stab him in the eyes I just we'd have a serious chat if we're doing no but Adam squares up oh Adam squares up like Adam

I square up like this for the last time face wide open come on for the last time stop coming open come on for the last time stop coming around there at bedtime with sweeties

now we have to fight should have done this on pad no Adam's trying to hurt us like we're kicking in the feet this is awful

I think the only person in this building that I wouldn't want to fight is Jack you wouldn't beat Jack I know no hang on but I would still fight him

but Adam you don't want but you don't want to fight any of us do you no I don't want to but if I had to but if you had to fight jack if you if you had to fight jack if you had to fight jack yeah because when you're if he really like landed one and you felt some sense of injustice i think you're a rabid dog when you lose your temper i think i do fight

like i wouldn't bite. Baz? You fight fair. I fight fair, do you know what I mean? It's man on man, man to man. Man on man. Man on man. That's gay, isn't it? You know, men on men.

It's all just dicks. No, you fight fair if you lose the fight. Like, I've lost fights before. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I've lost a few, but I've won more. There? Yeah. I've got a winning record.

What's your record, do you think? I'm going to say five and two. Eight and two. I've had more there yeah I've got a winning record what's your record do you think I'm going to say five and two eight and two I've had more than seven oh he's had more than seven he's had at least twelve eleven and six

eleven and six no I think you'd be happy with that at the end of the season one two I've lost three buckle my shoe I remember them

you've lost three yeah lost one to Tom Simpson I don't want no more. Remember that? He's a boxer. He's a boxer for the Navy. So you know what?

I'll take that. By the way, that sounds made up. Go on. Yeah, no, no. No, he's a kickboxer for Halfords. I'm pretty sure he listens occasionally. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he does karate at the library.

So, what? He fucking chops three books. Yeah, go on. He boxes for the Navy at the big... No, he is He fucking chops three books. Yeah, go on. He boxes for the Navy at the big, at the Navy Boxing Championship. At sea. You haven't been to them

because they're at sea. All the ships from all the different navies go, well, let's not throw any torpedoes in the water. Let's get Tom Simpson to box someone.

Yevgeny from the Russian Navy. Yeah. Great. But you can't see it. I'm sure he was professional at one point, or at least semi. And then he's gone back to the Navy. Yeah, that sounds right as well, doesn't it?

I think he joined the Navy and was boxing in the Navy. Yeah, he joined the Navy, boxing in the Navy. Then he turned pro, and then he was like, I don't like the money. I just like boxing on helipads on, you know, aircraft carriers. So that's where he's back. He's back now. He's better on water.

Who is the second one? Lost me first fight to Josh. He's got the height, he's got the reach. Yeah. He's better on water. Who was the second one? Lost me first fight to Josh. He's got the height, he's got the reach. Yeah. He's a big boy. But then the second one, because I had two fights with Josh,

the second one sort of was separated. It went the distance, didn't it? Yeah. Oh, it was TKO. But you think you could have had it? Well, I don't know that I've told you this story before.

What happened was, we were in Matt's class, right? Oh God, it's your favourite class. Yeah. And I was sat next to Josh because me and Josh were the two best in Matt's class, right? Oh, God. It's your favourite class. Yeah. And I was sat next to Josh because me and Josh were the two best at maths in the school

in our year, at least. So they were like pole position first. So I'm sat where you are, Josh, is here. And I was playing with my water bottle, just like faffing it about. And a bit went on his side of the desk. What? Which is essentially finding a nuclear weapon, isn't it?

So he got his water and just like you know like one of those squirty tops he just squirted me with it and went fucking dickhead like that so

act of war on the next table Mark Dowland who was a mutual friend and chaos sorcerer of the school the biggest shit's there

do you know one of these chaos sorcerer yeah that he just said and he go I'm not saying that yeah he started and go he gave me a lucas so Josh squirted me with water and then went to the bin at the front of the class yeah that he just said and he go I'm not saying that yeah he'd start it and go bye

he'd give me a Lucas so Josh squirted me with water and then went to the bin at the front of the class to sharpen his pencil into the bin right and as he walked up

Mark gave me a Lucas Aid sport and said go and empty that on Josh's head that's like the Cuban missile crisis right so I

so I did it this kid's the Don King of fucking maths so I did it I was like you know what yeah he just squirtirting me with water. I didn't mean to spill a little tiny bit on his side. Yeah, Josh, there's a knife.

End it. I didn't do nothing. So I went to the front of the class and just emptied a full bottle of Lucas-Ade spores onto Josh's head. And he turned around and he hit me with the pot. Like, he hit me with that. Like, he turned around and he went,

fuck off. Who's Josh? Bruce Lee? What are we doing? Bah! But but then so we just start like swinging like we're both in each other where's the teacher watching so what was her name the little weedy one with the blonde hair with the glasses no she was the old one wasn't she yeah no it wasn't here it was the young blonde one oh it wasn't her wrens no yeah miss her wren ren's maybe yeah good cool cool so we're literally just swinging lumps out of each other but josh as you know is and always has been significantly taller than me so to stop him being able to swing i grabbed him like by the top of his thing and

threw him over a desk oh my god i'm just like swinging lumps at him like that but then she got in the middle so like in that gap she got in she was like she was far too was everyone wanking oh god

but like we took some fucking lumps out of each other and I fight like and then so you're taking it as a loss but it could have no no no no

I'm taking that as like a stalemate really that was a draw right and the third loss was John Jones the third loss was john jones the third loss was uh a lad who i grew up with uh called another adam oh you could that couldn't stand

but like we i reckon i reckon me and him had maybe 10 fights oh legacy and he won one adam's potent he's adesanya he's fucking you know he's up he's three onean. He's Adesanya. He's fucking, you know, he's up. He's 3-1 up. Who? Potan and Adesanya? Alex Pereira's Potan is. Oh, yeah. I know him by the... I was 9-1 against Adam, I think. Big Ali Pali.

Dan, what's your record in fights? What's my record in fights? 0-1 out of the game. Got punched in the head in 1995. It hurt like fuck. I haven't punched anyone since. That's not a fight. You just get punched once. It is a fight i was in it i tried but it uh my head hurt too much no so i'll talk to you through the punch in the face is audible a guy a guy took my charlotte

hornets baseball cap off i suppose elliot's four no that doesn't count that's for charity he ran off i chased after him that was my first mistake, oi, give him my fucking hat back. Swore, just to let him know what's up. I got the hat back. I was walking off. Turned to my mate Fraser. I was like, that's about to kick off, isn't it? And he was like, yeah, let's leave it.

Let's go to Games Workshop for all the puss puss. And then the lads walked out of the exit one way, came back the other entrance. This is the St. George's Shopping Center in Preston. And just fucking lamped me. So I turned around, and then he punched me in the back of the head, and I lay down.

And then a woman who was shopping stood over me, swung a handbag at the lads, and went, run for the first bus home, love. And I did. Back of the head, by the way, he's disqualified. You have won that. Thank you very much. Yeah, it felt like that.

You're one now. Morally. I didn't go back into town for about 18 months after that. When me and Josh had that second fight, we both got suspended for a week. And then when we come back into school after a week, for a month, one of us had to leave school half an hour before the other one.

So it would alternate on days. Like Monday, I'd have to leave school at half two and he'd get off at three. And then the next day we'd swap that round so that we can you are best friends now yeah right was it just a bad period there were you well how did you work it out do you know what it is it's just we're both like strong personalities who independent black women yeah but like if it's it's like the thing i don't want to fight any of you and i definitely don't want to fight jack but if jack wants me to fight i wouldn't say no because i've got too much like no fuck you, it's like the thing, I don't want to fight any of you and I definitely don't want to fight Jack, but if Jack wants me to fight, I wouldn't say no

because I've got too much like, no, fuck you. And it's the same as back then. If Jack wants up my ass, you can have it. I'll buy you a new one. Do you know what I mean? Like I just, you don't back down because then you look worse than if you lose. I'd rather lose the fight than lose face.

Oh, I don't just back down. And Josh is the same. I don't just back down, I lie down. That's my tactics. You won that fight you did back of the edge disqualification

yeah it was intentional as well didn't feel like I'd won I kept the cap though you've won yeah and I had a fight with my mate Sean

but that was a that was a draw because nothing happened we literally swung at each other for a minute and then stopped

and nothing had happened pathetic in my head I was like I'm landing fucking absolute haymakers punch somebody that's a fight at each other for a minute and then stopped and nothing had happened. Pathetic. In my head, I was like, I'm landing fucking absolute haymakers. Punch somebody, but I'm not allowed to fight.

What do you mean? That's a fight. Well, I'm one and only. All right, so you're just a bully. How do you mean you've punched someone? Well, he tried to hit me

and I'm not a fighter or a boxer, but I moved like fucking Pacquiao or Mayweather, either one. Ducked him and hit him on the chin

and then I like, I like sat on him to calm him down because he was upset. And then he calmed down. Carl, you're not describing it like a fight, but it absolutely is a fight.

He came back to us and had toasties and played FIFA. It was sick. Basically, who was this? We were playing, I won't name him,

we were playing footy on the Rosies by ours and he just volleyed his ball away for some reason and he went, go and get the ball. I went, no. My grandad died go and get the ball. I went,

no, my granddad died like five years ago today. And I went, so? Have you seen the in-between this video? He says, that's not relevant. I was like,

that doesn't really give a fuck. And then he got angry and upset and tried to whip me, but I fucking pinged him on the chin, put him on the floor. I didn't want to fight. And I was like, calm down,

I don't want to fight you. Yeah, but Carl, you did fight. That's not a fight to me. Hang on. He tried to punch you, and I was like, calm down, I don't want to fight you. Yeah, but Carl, you did fight. That's not a fight to me. Hang on. He tried to punch you and you punched him

and then you sat on him and ended the fight. Okay, I'm one and over. Yeah, that is definitely a fight. I don't think it is. So what makes a fight a fight? Like multiple blows landed and thrown.

One punch isn't a fight. So did McGregor not fight Jose Aldo? No, because Aldo landed a punch isn't a fight. So did McGregor not fight Jose Aldo? No, because Aldo landed a punch on him. In fact, the fight you described sounded like Aldo McGregor. He went for a punch. So did Ben Askren not fight Masvidal?

No. No, he didn't. Ben Askren put his shorts on and he got kneed in the head and went to hospital. That's not a fight. It is a fight. It isn't. He won the fight. He didn't. He just got kneed in the head and went to hospital that's not a fight it is a fight it isn't

he won the fight he didn't he just kneed him in the head oh you've picked a stupid hill to die on today okay then

I did win but I didn't think it was a fight have you never had a fight since no people love me apart from pinning that woman up

against the wall in hot water I fucking battered her that wasn't a fight that was bullying that was ableism I said you're like my Ben Askin and then just That wasn't a fight. That was bullying. That was ableism. I said, you're like my Ben Askin and then just,

wah. You ever had a fight, Finn? Oh God, here we go. Here we go. Real, real in the late 90s, early 90s.

I fought with my brother a few times. Oh, that doesn't count. But then the nearest I've got was the real civil war i've been with in turkey with nunchucks i've been punched but not like it wasn't a good punch the guy was massive he was like six three of course it was pathetic really we were playing footy it was. It was a match. We were playing at that stadium. Stadium.

We went to. In Rome. Oh, the real stadium. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like the Mannequin Hard, isn't it? Bellevue. Beautiful. The Mannequin Hard of North Wales.

We were playing on there. And there was this striker who was being a gimp. He pushed my friend. He pushed my friend? Michael Owen here. He pushed my friend. So I my friend. Michael Owen here. He pushed my friend. So I pushed him. And his friend.

It was playing right wing. But he had his Lego out and he pushed him. He pushed my friend. That is what Etta would say when she came over from nursery. And then he pushed my friend and then I lost my telephone. He pushed my mate. He fucking came. So I pushed him back.

I didn't push him very hard. He fell over and then got up. Finn, you're not in trouble. I know, I know. He got up. I pushed him back, Dad, but it wasn't very hard. He fell over. I literally like hardly shoved him and he fell over.

Then he got up and he started squaring up and then he threw a punch but he kind of like missed he was kind of like that so he kind of like slapped me in the eye and then uh it was all like i'll fucking get you in the car part wait i had to stay behind in the changing rooms they wouldn't let me out well you were trying to get out you know that guy's now in prison my friendbing his missus. Let me punch my friend. What? Say that again. I was doing jokes. That guy's now in prison for stabbing his missus.

Oh, wow. Because she punched his friend. Sorry, two seconds. I knew it would end sad. I knew it would end sad. I was like, oh, this is really more playful than Ryl's. Oh, there you go. Did he murder her? No, she was all right, but he stabbed her.

No, it was just that she survived it she's a welsh woman god good good good story time thank you yeah if you'd have knocked him out you might have brought him down a peg and she wouldn't have got stabbed yeah so blame yourself for that that was my fault i knew i stabbed a woman by proxy yeah by proxy vicariously should we do some questions yeah good save uh This is from Alex Smith, his first one. Question, if you... Oh, sorry.

It's time for everyone's favourite section. Question. Finn, have you got a few? Questions. Because, honestly, people have been sending in a lot of... Question. And, you know,

I woke up this morning... It makes me feel sick. I woke up this morning and I was thinking, you know what, my favourite bit of today's show will be? Advice? No.

Wrong bot. Turkish? Sorry. Oh, question? Oh, confession? Just one load of questions. Question, question, question. There you go, nailed it.

This first one is from Alex Smith. So stupid. Why are you saying it like that? Oh, they've started with virgin uh if you were to have a clone and were to have sex with that clone is it sex or masturbation since it's with yourself additionally how would you woo your clone into bed it's not masturbation is it it's definitely not masturbation yeah you wank your twin off it's's not you wanking yourself off. It's dead gay, though. Hang on, if you're gay... Just because it's you. Just because it's a you, it's so...

Hang on, is it illegal to bum your own clone? I don't think there's laws written about it, you know, because cloning hasn't been perfected yet, Carl. How do you know? Look at China, there's loads of them. You haven't asked why. Okay, so let's focus on the second... And they all look...

Similar? No. No. No. I don't... why would you want to I mean you might want to have a threesome with your clone

to be like here me let's go double teaming that'd be fun but they'd know exactly what you like yeah just say do you want to game with me

hang on I'm not fucking me unless you don't really know yourself yet and you don't know what you like but it's sometimes I get surprised you know what by yourself sucking Oh. Introspective. Sometimes I get surprised, you know.

What, by yourself sucking yourself off? No, no, no, I've never done that, Dan. Adam. What I mean is sometimes I'm in the bedroom and someone does something and then I go, oh, didn't know I liked that. And then I do. So sometimes, you know, you wouldn't know.

Yeah, what? Okay, so what if she was like, no, hang on. If it's you, it's not going to be arousing. It's not going to be arousing. It's not going to be arousing it's not going to be arousing it's not going to be arousing it's just you what do you mean not going to be arousing do you not want to fuck yourself

Dan have you ever tried to suck yourself off I haven't got what I can't even do press ups I can't you have to have a fairly big dick to suck yourself off I think

yeah he's always doing it. Yeah, Dan, if your clone offers... It's a miracle he's here this morning. If your clone offered to suck you off, would you say yeah? No. I don't want to get sucked off by a man. Otherwise, I'd be getting it done all the time,

wouldn't I? It's just going to be like fucking your twin, though, isn't it? I know it's not your twin, but it is going to just feel like another dude. You're not... Do you know what I mean? Okay, right.

Let's focus on the second half of the question then. How would you woo your clone into bed? How would you think you'd want to be seduced? Just put a French maid's outfit on. So you're in a French maid's outfit. Would you be attracted by you in a French maid's outfit? It's going to look nice. No offense, mate.

I know you're confident, but i don't think you can pull it off of course i'd fuck me in a french maid's outfit yeah madam row i think i don't know i don't think i can woo me into bed i'm a man i don't want to fuck men or i'd be doing it or so here you go on a caveat on alex's question if you could clone yourself would you double team a lady would you be like oh other adam let's go to let's go to i don't i don't know because it's not me is it like once like from the second the clone is cloned they are then a new person it is just a twin like you're identical at the moment of cloning but 20 seconds after that you're different people oh 100 can you change the settings and make them smaller because if if so identical at the moment of cloning, but 20 seconds after that, you're different people. Yeah, you can put a different hat on.

Oh, 100%. Can you change the settings and make them smaller? Because if so, I want seven clones and I want to see Laura bang the dwarves. Seven little clones. That'd be amazing. It'd be me. She was like...

What happens if you cloned a female version of yourself? Oh, then yeah. Would you shag that? Yeah, yeah. Because it's going to feel like shagging your sister, isn't it? No. No? Why would it? I, yeah. Because it's just, it's going to feel like shagging your sister, isn't it? No. No, not, what? Why would it?

Because I haven't got a sister that I know of. You have, but... Well, I have got a sister, but I don't know her. I'm saying that's all right. I don't know her. I mean, you've got a sister you know of,

you just don't know her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, cool. Bye-bye. Isn't that fun? What? I've got a half-Spanish brother and sister. What?

Yeah. No, they're full Spanish, aren't they? They're full Spanish, yeah. Yeah, they're a half brother and sister. They're half brother. No, half brother, half sister. Like one person. They're my half.

You actually don't know if they're full Spanish. You just know that they exist. Hang on, what's happening? My father. You know Carl's Alphalete? The Spanish man has two kids. Miguel. I thought you didn't know who he was. I spoke to him on Vota. I don't know. I don't know. What know Carl's Alphalete? The Spanish man has two kids. Miguel. I thought you didn't know who he was.

I spoke to my mum about it. I don't know. I would have known. What? When's this? I don't know who he is, but I thought we had talked about this. He's got his name.

Yeah. He knows his name. And I know he's got two kids. That's why it didn't work with him. But for all you know, those kids are not by another Spanish woman. You don't know that level of detail. They could be fucking Mexican or Brazilian.

Well, Carl. I didn't know or Nicaraguan I've been to Nicaragua I didn't see Nicaragua honestly guess that nationality that was going to

come out of his house out of his house out of his fucking mouth everyone's had a stroke I need a cold plunge I honestly thought you didn't know yeah

okay cool half brother and sister who could be Spanish probably are Spanish I think if you clone yourself and there's a female version of it I think it would feel weirdly too familiar it would feel weird yeah

if you knew it was your clone but if you didn't know she likes all the things you do she's just like a fifth version of you I think I'd be up for that she can wear a French maid's outfit get it you oh she's massive as well she's a direct clone of Adam Yeah, I think I'd be up for that. Yeah, fine. She can wear a French maid's office. Get it, you.

Oh, she's massive as well. Six feet. She's a dialect clone of mine. With clones, do they have to be identical? Can you change the sizing? Can you, like, go... What is he with you and little clones? I don't know. I'm interested by clones.

I don't know the rules. And I don't think you do. They take your DNA, so they're just you, aren't they? You can't change anything. So you can't make a clone. You can't just shrink it. Go like, I'll have a 60% clone.

Yeah, you could just give it to Siggy's when it grows up. No, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, None of us work in cloning. Dolly the pig. She was cheap. Dolly the pig. Welcome back to the podcast for morons. No, hang on. So is it like a 3D printer? Essentially, yeah. Are we there yet?

Yeah, let's say we are. Well, if it's like a 3D printer clone thing, you can definitely have a small one. You can change the settings. Would you not want to send your full-size clone to events you can't be arsed with? No, because then you've got to trust them, haven't you? Well, it's just like

buying a ticket for a mate. It's not. Because you get all the credit from Laura. Oh, they're going to work there. I thought you just meant send them to Glastonbury. How was it?

And then other me's like, class? Did you tell me all about it? Yeah, I will do. You can go and just send Bondi. You're trusting them, aren't you? You could go to a web and they could make a show of you. Would they? Why not?

But then they... No, they wouldn't do that, would they? Because then everyone would think they did it as well. Yeah, but then you'd still have a show to look at. This new clone isn't like, I don't give a fuck about social media. Hang on. How do you clone memories? No. Hard drives. I don't give a fuck about social media to get caught hang on how does

how do you clone memories no hard drives the clone is gonna look exactly like you but he's gonna be like childlike it's got your memories as well

in cloning films they normally do don't they oh would it not just be like a grown ass man baby who's like 42 year old but he's like

what what what it's the same thing you're like that most days you're like that every day before you fucking cold plunged yourself turn up you're like He's like 42 year old, but he's like,. You're like that most days. You were like that every day before you fucking coal plunged yourself. Turn up, you're like,. Slam.

It never, never come against the coal plunge. No, it's literally just like a carbon copy. Like same memories, same clothes. Yeah, of course you can go to a wedding. Oh, who wears- Big fucking class, by the way. Yeah, but he'd be wearing your rigouts. That's all right. Yeah, but then you can't wear them. No, it's all right. We've got a big fucking class, by the way. You're going to be wearing your rigouts. That's all right. But then you can't wear them.

No, it's all right. We've got all the clothes. Lad, you can bang Laura today, but tomorrow you've got to do my tax return. It's like, fair. Teamwork. Also, am I able to kill the clone when I'm done with him? It is just me.

Yeah, but it's a fight. You've just got to fight it. No, that's double Jeffrey. You can't make a clone, then kill it, and be like, everyone's like, you killed someone. No, I didn't't i killed the 3d photocopy of me no no it's a person the second like the second load of shit it hasn't got a passport i have it's got your passport when you're not looking no well i'm gonna be very careful with my passport you should be yeah it's important hang on who's got my you know they are you yeah yeah but then i can kill them yeah but

then i know where your passport is they know what move could you kill like no they don't if you clone them and it wanders off and you're like just have a cup of tea i don't even like tea have a fucking sneak there lad and then i hide the passport it doesn't know where the passport is at that point it knows where you'd hide it though that's a good a good point. Touche. Then I'd have to hide it somewhere I wouldn't hide it. This is the stupidest conversation ever. Let's get some edibles. Right, okay. I'd fuck my missus with a clone of me.

100%. Would you? Yeah. That's so lazy. Oh, it'd be great. Oh, with it, sorry. Like a threesome? At the same time, or are you just making it last longer

so you go and then the clone goes afterwards? I'd love to do that. It's a three... You just go in the toilet, Lord. you just making it last longer so you go and then the I'd love to do that it's a three I'm just going to toilet you just do relays bumming all night would you not no not me missus

a randomer oh a randomer yeah yeah sing a little poem from a club hey there's two of us bang

whoa but I can't watch I know it's technically me but I can't watch another man's cock go inside my woman's arsehole, pussy or face. What a lovely way of putting it.

You're right. You're romantic at heart. I am. Call me old fashioned. But like my granddad used to say to me, come and sit on my knee. I've never let another man stick his dick in your girl's arsehole. Pussy or face.

Dan, are you feeling a bit peckish are you hungry Dan no not at all I want to shag my missus with me Dan versus food baby

Dan versus food shout out to Stacey from my from my kids nursery who is apparently enjoying watching all of these is that a sheet

of paper for me the gentleman who works in L1 came up the other day and said he's enjoying these on TikTok too great hello gentleman in L1s came up the other day and said he's enjoying these on TikTok too.

Great. Hello, gentlemen at L1. Well, this is the first time we've had cutlery. Cheap cutlery, that. What the fuck's this? I don't know. It's a description of what it is. Okay, I'm going to read this out. Did you write this down?

It's December. Steve, have you been checked for mental illness? Just out of interest. Okay, I'm gonna read this out. I'm sure you'll like this Dan. It's December. Steve, have you been checked for like mental illness? Just out of interest. Introduce Dan vs... We can't hear you Steve. Introduce Dan vs Food. We're not doing...

This is not a thing by the way. This is the first and last time. This is stupid. Go on. Go on. You can't hear... They can't hear them so so it's just playing fun. Hello, ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to Dan vs Food. This is Dan Nightingale, 42-year-old man with food phobias, and every week we make him try food he's never tried before for your viewing pleasure. Or Blenifit. For your Blenifit. This week we have got a festive bake, and it is made from a delicious

crumb-topped pastry filled with pieces of cooked chicken as opposed to raw, sage and onion stuffing, and cooked sweet cure bacon covered in a creamy sage and cranberry sauce. It's a festive bake, baby. Is this from Greg's? Yeah. It's a festive bake, baby. Is this from Greg's?

Yeah. It's a famous Greg's. And it's like a thing people wait all year. No, no, no. No, no, no. No, this is... You're just making me have a fucking steak bake again. No.

This is a festive bake, baby. Oh, Lord. It's a Christmas dinner in pastry. People wait all year for this. They're like, oh, when's the festive bake coming? People do, do they? The bad gims are in. The bad gims are in.

People need to sort their lives out. See? Nice. Once again, Ro. Okay, it's going nice and full. Right. Make sure there's filling in that. Yeah, make sure there's filling.

Yeah, take that bit. Where's the bin? Finn, get me a bin. This is going to go really badly. I can see it and I can smell it. I'm not sure there's fill in. Yeah, take that bit. Where's the bin? Finn, get me a bin. This is gonna go really badly. I can see it and I can smell it. Oh, ugh. Dan, you like everything inside it?

Oh, stop making it smaller. All in. All in, baby. That's just pastry, innit? Just piss. Pistry. You're gonna like it. Don't go in thinking you're gonna hate it.

Shut up. All of you, shut up. Come on. It's nice. Open're going to like it. Don't go in thinking you're going to hate it. Shut up. All of you, shut up. Come on. It's nice. Open your mind and your mouth. Make like your man and swallow. Come on. He's gone Danilo again.

Oh. So close. Cranberries all right. I have another go. No. Awful. You knew that was gonna be a bad one. No. I have another go.

No. You've got to text, you know. Before, before. I'm not eating it again, bitch. Awful. Before everyone's like, oh lads, have you had a mince pie before? I it again, bitch. Awful. Before, everyone was like, oh, lads, have you had a mince pie before? I was like, yeah.

Why did I say yeah? Should have been like, oh, no, I don't trust them. Really bad. Why? What was the flavours? I don't know. Too many flavours. Oh, that's awful.

It's very sagey, isn't it? It's so sage. What's sage? Is that stuffing? Yeah. Yeah. Three, two. Awful. Christmasy. What's sage? Is that stuffing? Yeah. Yeah, three, two. Awful.

Christmassy. Compared to the other Greggs. Bad. If you remember back to the first one. You're hiding things I don't like. That's why I don't trust it. Chicken? This is hidden, hidden evil.

Ah! Do you know what? Oh, sage and onion. Good God. Yeah. You all right, Adam? But the feature isn't Adam versus food, because otherwise you'd be like,

yeah, it's good, this. It's not as good as the one I can make, but it is good. See you next time. Oh, I like it. I know. That's awful. Too many things hidden.

Don't trust it. Two out of 10 at best. Have you changed your Christmas ways yet? Are you still a nacho man? Nacho, nacho, nacho man. Of course I'm going to be a Nacho Man. It's my Christmas tradition. Nacho Man Randy Dan.

Merch. Merch it. Awful. Didn't like it. You did it on purpose. And thanks for the big explanation, Steve, that made it worse. Hated it.

Bad. Fuck Christmas. There you go. That's so nice. your favorite christmas food like one that is festive like food twiglets no they don't count treeslets they don't count just a different shape it's a different shape of cheeselet carl they absolutely do i love treeslets it's just a different shape yeah but it's made of christmas trees so give me a christmas food come on mince pies mince pies are nice you like mince pies yeah They absolutely do. I love trees, let's see. It's just a different shape. Yeah, but it's made of Christmas trees. So it is Christmasy. Give me a Christmas food, come on.

Mince pies. Mince pies are nice. You like mince pies? Yeah. But I can't think of another. What's another? Go on, name me some Christmas food. Pigs in blankets. Sprouts.

Do you know what? Pigs in blankets are quite nice. I'll give you that. Whoa. Of course not. No way. You crazy bastard. But I think it's just because I like-

Controversial food opinion. Sausages wrapped in bacon. Nice. It's a bit busy though, isn't it? Two of the same item? No, hang on. Sausages taste different

from bacon. Pig wrapped in pig. Go on, talk me through some others. I'll let you know what I think. Finn, can you Google some festive food?

Turkey? Turkey? Do you like turkey? Awful dry chicken. No, you've never had a good turkey. Then it shouldn't be dry. Oh, yeah. Sorry, can you Google some festive food? Turkey? Turkey? Do you like turkey? Awful dry chicken. No, you've never had a good turkey. Then it shouldn't be dry. Oh, yeah. Sorry, because that's why Nando's don't do turkey.

I don't think... Shit. Shit. If you let me put peri-peri sauce on turkey, I probably think it's sound. I don't like dry chicken. Yorkshire puddings. It's just bread cake, isn't it?

Christmas pudding. So, if you took me to Nando's, right, and you got everything that's in a chicken wrap. Why is everything compared to Nando's? Because it's what I like it. If you put that in a pudding, a Yorkshire pudding, I'd smash it. If you put cheese in a Yorkshire pudding, yeah, it's nice. No. But I don't like

all the Christmas mush that they put on Yorkshire puddings. Or gravy. Yeah, what about Christmas pudding? What's that? It's basically just like the inside of a mince pie, isn't it, but big? Like a big fruit cake. Christmas? Oh, Christmas cake. You cover it in whiskey and set it on fire. Right. I missed it.

I missed that as well. It was probably heavy as well. Probably has to get cut out. Oh, right. It was a homophobic joke at Elton John's expense. Oh. Christmas cake. Is. Christmas cake.

Is that Christmas cake, basically? Christmas pud pud? Christmas pudding, it's called. The one that they set fire to. Give me a pud pud. Yeah, it's just bad cake, isn't it? Wallop. I mean, don't...

Am I wrong? Parsnips? Oh, my God, I love parsnips. Black chips. For breakfast. What are you on about? They're passable. They're not good, are they?

How about, like, mint sauce? On what? Lamb. Oh, yeah. No. Oh, yeah. No. Stuffing?

Is that that sagey shit? Yeah. What? No. Where am I having that? No. Are you into the charcuterie bud? Yeah, I'm into the few things that I like off it.

Eggnog. That might be one to try. What is eggnog? A drink. It's a brandy-based cocky tail. I'll give it a go. What's that banana one that everyone whips out at Christmas? Yazoo.

I like Yazoo. What's that banana one? What's the banana boo what's the what's the what's the banana booze I love a yop what's the banana booze banana booze the banana booze

the yellow one that everyone gets out I want to say Amrabat but he used to play for he plays for United no banana booze at Christmas

what are you talking about what's the banana booze do you mean banana liqueur yeah oh balls that's not a drink what's it called yeah it just says Banana booze at Christmas? What are you talking about? What's the banana booze thing? Do you mean banana liqueur? Yeah. Oh, bowls. That's not a drink. What's it called? Yeah, it just says banana liqueur.

I thought there was a brand for it. What goes on in your family? Oh, it's three o'clock. Get the banana booze out. Come on. Let's all have a drink. That's what we do at Christmas. I don't want to get anything in a lemonade, please.

Dan, do you like Baileys? It's all right. Oh, you're wrong. What do at Christmas? I want to get anything in a lemonade, please. Dan, do you like Baileys? It's all right. Oh, you're wrong. What do you mean? Are you thinking of a snowball? Isn't that when you come in a girl's mom and she kisses you?

Yeah, that's what we do at Christmas as well. We do nachos, yazoos, and snowballs. Oh, Advocat. Dick Advocat. There you go.

I didn't mind Amrabat. Yeah, Advocat. Advocat. Yeah, snowball. Yeah, snowball, yeah. Iocat. Snowball. Yeah. Snowball, yeah. I was right though, innit? That is what you call it

when you come on a girls' mountain and then she next year. Urban dictionary, yeah. She goes, you want to get snowballed and you go, go on. Finn's Google searches are wild. Yep.

Well, truly dreadful. Hated it. Don't do that again. Thank you. Can you Google alligator fuckhouse? What? Shall we have a break?

I really want proper food. I'm really not on form today. No. Scraping the bottom of the barrel for energy, enthusiasm. Sick of all of you lot. It's good to be here though. Good job you're going to Vegas for a bit then.

Recharge your batteries. Laura Smith's here. How are we, Laura? Very good, very good. Good journey? Very good journey, yeah. And then I got an early train. I went straight into Spoons.

You went to Wetherspoons? Yeah. You can't be going to Wetherspoons, mate. They're a bad company. The guy who runs it. Oh, I know, I know. It's immoral. It's immoral, yeah.

But I feel like that's how you get to know a place, don't you? People are still selling car stereos in Liverpool, Spoons. Oh, really? What? tomorrow but I feel like that's how you get to know a place don't you people are still selling car car stereos in Liverpool spoons oh really what

you can't open with that mate you can't have a go at my stupid names joke before there were about three or four people

in there selling stuff out of a bag meat usually meat it was quite a nice it was like a bit of old people's home vibes

everyone's getting their lunch did you go to the one on the corner opposite the train station? Pretty much, yeah. Yeah. Oh, the train station spoons. The big O's. Yeah.

By the blob shop. That's a mad one. Someone was selling fags on the street. Did you see on the way back from Nando's? You can't do that. You can't do that. Selling cigarettes, Carl, on the way back from Nando's. But they had like, they were like silver packaging

how old are they well that's that well i thought not like not all the sort of like albanian army green with like just warnings and sad pictures actually had like branding is that just is that foreign is that is the car is the carton colored or do you mean the actual packet? The carton was coloured, yeah. Yeah, I think the cartons are still coloured. Oh, it's just, okay. It's just a foreign cigarette. Yeah, it was a camel. Yeah, about 80.

You know what I'm like. Very suggestible. I had a ciggy the other night. Oh, God. What? Just put it in your mouth, and then throw it on the floor. You just put the whole thing in your mouth?

I just had it. Like a fucking magician. I had a ciggy, yeah. All right. Weird night. Maybe why you're feeling a bit off i i do feel just a bit i think i don't know i don't know whether it's end like end of tour first leg slump or have you got sad what adele's got sad hasn't she she's always been sad listening to her music for you she said you can't live in the uk because she gets seasonal

affective disorder oh really where she then? Like the Bahamas or something. She lives in LA, doesn't she? Are you better in the summer or the winter? Sort of fairly even the whole while, like the summer. I like all Christmas

and all that. I like all the festivities. Yeah, but Christmas is the thing that saves winter, isn't it? It gets right into the deepest bit of it where you're like,

oh my God, there's like four and a half hours of sunlight. It's fucking cold. It's all a where you're like, oh my God, there's like four and a half hours of sunlight. It's fucking cold. It's all a bit miserable. And then basically they go, here's a little treat. You can have like basically five days off work and a load of piss ups, Christmas presents.

Here's a treat that will leave you brassic for the really bad month of January when you're like absolutely on your knees. I like January. Me birthday's in January, you know? New Year's Day's in January. Well done. You're getting good at your calendars, aren't you?

Why is New Year's Day good? Just a start to the new year, isn't it? New Year's Eve is a good bit. On New Year's Day, you get hope, you know? A fresh start. Is that essential crisis? Is it just because it's your birthday in January that you want to defend January?

No, genuinely, I like New Year's Day. And also, second of January now, one of my greatest New Year's Day. And also, 2nd of January now, one of my greatest friends, Jack Finnegan, says birthday 2nd of January. That's officially the worst birthday on planet Earth. Oh, that is sick. That's the second worst birthday. I'm sure we're going for the big fat Chinese on the 2nd.

No, because everyone's celebrating your birthday at midnight on New Year's Day. So everyone's out for your birthday. Christmas Day is your worst birthday. No, no, you and Christ. A hundred percent. He's in a pod. That is the worst day you can have a birthday. Christmas Day. your worst birthday. No, no, you and Christ. A hundred percent. He's in a pod. That is the worst day you can have a birthday.

Christmas Day. That's a fucking pig of a day. Why is that shit? Because your birthday is swallowed up by Christmas every year. Doesn't matter though. No, it does. I bet it will to everyone. We get two celebrations, we get two gifts. That's for both. No, sharing

your birthday with Christ is the greatest life for Quattro Liga. I'd love to be born on Christmas day. I disagree strongly. I think it'd be good. When's your birthday? 15th of November. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's why like winter, you give it up like it's nice.

What do you think the best birthday is? So do you think the best birthday is like the 1st of July? Yeah. I reckon a middle of summer, because if you're a kid that splits the presents perfectly you get a winter present

and then summer presents the last week in July surely because you finish school when you're a kid it's the summer so everyone's like happy do you know

when it comes to your birthday party my middle one 21st of June summer solstice longest day of the year bang end of June perfect birthday

that is isn't it yeah barbecue the most day longest day of the year and bang, end of June, perfect birthday that is, isn't it? Yeah, barbecue. What do you think is the most day? How good is that? Longest day of the year. And my boy, 1st of April, April Fool's Day. Same here, my lads, April 1st, yeah. Is he? Shut up.

Yeah. That's weird, isn't it? But I still think if you've got a wintry Christmas and all of that, you want a summery birthday. I was meant to be born on a day that doesn't exist. I was five days early. 29th. I wasn't born on 29th February, yeah. One of was meant to be born on a day it doesn't exist. I was five days early. 29th. I wasn't born on the 29th of February, yeah.

One of my closest friends is born on the 29th of Feb. So sad. Every four years. And they just make it the 28th. Yeah. Three years out of. But then, every four years, it's like... Oh, it's your real birthday. It's an event, you know?

Yeah. It's like a fucking world cup. The dearly departed Queen of England was born on the 29th, wasn't she? Bitch. Was she? Yeah. She had about born on the 29th wasn't she bitch was she yeah she had about 14 birthdays though didn't she yeah because of that

oh is that why she had two birthdays yeah 29th of feb what I thought she had one in like the middle of the year just because she was the queen I reckon she just spawned

I reckon she was ever born a little lizard I thought she just had a ceremonial one where she was like this will be better she was born on the 21st of april

I thought it was well someone lied to me many moons ago that was queen latifah and then he always mixes those up and you hate queen latifah bitch um i think that'd be great to just go do you know what i want a ceremonial birthday if you you're born on the second of jan 100 you're allowed to just be like i'm picking picking one. We're all doing it then. My dad's got one. You get one in Turkey because they don't, they register you like a year after you're born, or they did when he was

born 60 odd years ago. They did that with Yakubu, but they did it 15 years after he was born. So my dad's actually 26. That's mad. What? He doesn't look it. I know. He looks really old. Carl spoke to my dad the other day. I did. What? He doesn't look it. I know. He looks really old.

Yeah. Carl spoke to my dad the other day. I did. Why? FaceTime. He FaceTimed Finn. He was like, what's happening, lad?

I had a little chat with him. He's scouse. Go right. What's happening, lad? He's a lovely man. So your dad gets... So your dad got to pick a birthday? No. So it was when they registered him,

which is in April. I'm not 100% sure of the date. So his actual birthday is the 10th of August, or they think it is. They're not sure. They've just kind of guessed. They were like, it was around then. And then he's got another birthday in April.

We didn't give him two, no. He celebrates the day. Anyway, it doesn't matter because I'm your dad now. Yeah, that's the main thing, isn't it? How many kids you got, Lauren? Three. You got three kids? Yeah.

How old though because we're a similar age aren't we but i think we've lived slightly different lives so far oh yeah as i say it on stage i've got a 21 year old eight year old and five year old everyone goes oh and i go yeah different dads fuck off but the um that is a different dad is a different dad age gap so yeah um i had the oldest when i was 20 and she's 21 now. So yeah, I don't know. It's fruitful for stand-up and all that. I mean, because she's like a different generation. She's all like, you know, she's all like really posh,

speaks really nicely and stuff. Oh, really? She's a bit like Ra, as my back hair. Yeah, she's a bit like that. Is it? Yeah, that's what I made. What the fuck have you done there? I don't know.

You got off the train and went on a fucking spoons and now you've got a little young Tory. I know, she's not quite Tory but she, she, she,

yeah man. Tories don't use the word raw. Raw, like raw. No, they do. Cause like their dads are Tory, like raw.

No, she's just a bit, I don't know. Is it our fella Posh? No, no, no, no.

So how has this happened? Did she go to boarding school or something? No, I just raised her right. Do you know what it was actually? I live in we're gonna raise you posh girl we're gonna raise you fucking posh talk to me i um she did this thing called we we live in a place that's quite gentrified now east london's getting all gentrified so yeah it's all a peer group really yeah and then she went to a thing called oh what do they call it it's like hippie brownies but like like woodcraft so that's where all the kids went that were posh so she just had little posh friends

right that's it and it's like so she's from the east end grew up in the east end just like you but it's just a generation on all of a sudden she's like woodcraft for life yeah yeah i think so what's that i remember her in secondary school and she was like, there's a girl in my class and her parents are like on benefits. And I'm like, as though her first five years weren't me on benefits. Do you know what I mean? Like,

well, before I did my degree and started teaching, yeah, she's just probably like, I just raised her too well, I think. Or wrong.

I've raised her wrong. If my child ended up talking like some gobshite like this, I just, I think I just give them away. Just release them back into the wild like you're in la you might have like an la brat you know what i mean you might not yeah yeah but like if i was i mean first of all it'd be new york or austin because

i'm a cowboy you know what i mean he's a them jumpers for Christmas, it's fucking Jag. You like the NFL? The New York Cowboys. Go on. Yeah, they'd have an LA accent, but that's not posh, is it? I mean, I'm sort of doing her a disservice. She's not like... No, what we've heard, what we've done there is, as northerners, you're trying to do, like,

a bit more young, like, woke. Not woke, but, like like what we've heard is, to us, sounds like Tory. Yeah. That sounds like posh kid. But it's Jaron with you because you sound like Ray Winston. So it's a...

Yeah, but I bet Ray Winston's sort of don't. I bet Jamie Winston's part of, you know, do you know what I mean? Of course. All our friends talk like that. And then, you know, her friends, we're all like single mums that have just obviously worked our way up.

Nice. And this is what we get this is the reward see to me you sound posh though what are you talking about no but like like we're not compared to wars yeah carl what are you talking it's a fucking east london accent like southern though your enunciation is much better than ours you said up there You said up Up Up Up the stairs Up

That's not posh It's Cockney Up Up the stairs Get up them stairs Fucking apples and pears Up We're going up

Yeah Up Up Up Up Up Up Now Bala

She's that posh you So you've got to sound like a Yorkshire Neanderthal, babe. Oh, right. Okay. I like it. What's East London like? I've never gigged. Oh, no, I have. What's the... Backyard. What's the... Backyard. No, I don't

count the big theatre shows, darling, since we've changed. Backyard. Backyard, yeah, yeah, yeah. Good vibe gigging in East london compared to like in town it is it's all right i mean it's all changed now it's not like you would have to go out to essex and all that essex and kent would be where you'd think an east london crowd are they've all migrated didn't they and they're all like it's all being gentrified it's all coffee shops and patisseries now sunshine and you know what is it's young people young people are scared

to laugh you know like young woke people they're like should i laugh but if you're like with an older crowd like sometimes i do downstairs at the king's head you've done that in north london they're kind of like you know the educated sort of liberal sort of left yeah even if they find it funny they're like i can't laugh at that because i'm sat next to someone who protests against that cause yeah oh really when they're in their 50s and 60s and they're intelligent, they know they can laugh. But I think younger crowds are a little bit like... Oh, the absolute worst

is a freshers gig. Oh, yeah. If they're in the mood to be lemmings about it because they don't know who they're sat with and God forbid that they have an opinion

on anything. Like, don't get me wrong, I've done some good freshers gigs, but that's the worst, isn't it? Young people who aren't brave enough to have an opinion that contradicts someone that they're with yeah like when you're older you're like oh i don't give a fuck it's funny yeah yeah because they haven't lived have they i think most people

yeah and they're worried about being judged and i think that's why like you should always have the audience in darkness because people don't want to be seen laughing anyway like it's it like there's a subconscious thing of how I can't be seen to be laughing, which is why you never like the audience. Never. Give them their anonymity. Yeah. Let them laugh and whine. These young ones are like, oh, we can't laugh at that. That's a joke about paedophilia. And what if

the person next to me got bummed by their grandad? Like they're worried. What if the person next to me is a paedophile? Either way. Yeah. Put them in the dark. We don't want to see it. Put the paedos and the young ones in the dark together.

I want to do some freshers quizzes next year, but like, thinking of that now, maybe it's not a good idea. No, it's not. Because my questions are quite, you know,

offensive. On reflection, Carl. Illegal. If you can sell tickets to grown-ups, I'd stick in that lane, mate. No, I was just going to do some freshers gigs

just for something to do. Carl's going on tour with with a quiz he's going to be the first person to go on a national tour with a quiz i think it's gonna be fucking great people want it yeah people want it i think i'm gonna do leeds manchester glasgow newcastle london maybe that's that they're the most uh requested them what sort of size rooms? 2,000, 3,000 for a quiz? we've done 1,000 though we have done 1,000 200 it usually is

so the prize next month is £4,000 is it bingo? no it's a quiz we write a quiz and it absolutely could not be done at a university we say some questionable things don't we £4,000 next month we write a quiz. And it absolutely could not be done at a university. We say some questionable things, don't we? But yeah, £4,000 in February.

It's not bad, is it? So you were on benefits, you had your kids, and then you were like, I'm sorry, that was an absolute screech. That was my fault. I was like, Laura, so do you want to go to his quiz? You're on benefits, and then you went, fuck it, I'm going back to uni.

Yeah. So you already had kids, and you had your daughter, benefits and then you went fuck it i'm going back to uni yeah so you already had kids and you you had your daughter and you were like right i'm going back to uni and to be a teacher well yeah not to be a t i just thought yeah do you know what it was i bumped into my old english teacher that's what happened i bumped into her and you know what i mean i never thought i'd be a single mom so many girls left school and just had babies do you know what i mean and i i didn't do it straight away and you could have knocked me down with feather i just didn't yeah it just didn't yeah so i had her and thought well i don't really know what i'm doing with my life for two or three years we're not busy looking after her and then just thought no i should be going to yeah i'm all the way back to uni 20 about 23 24 i went back when i was 24 it's so much better so much better so so so so much because he was a single mum as well

it was important they had the nursery for the kids and all sorts but yeah it was good I mean and yeah and just loved doing my degree and I just had more confidence

in everything so I did my degree then did my teacher training and then how long were you a teacher before you started stand up I started I was about

seven eight years into teaching yeah and it was just that feeling of like I do it was from being a single mum to being like I've written it in my observer article but you know not just like getting a husband kids and it's like it's like tick tick tick tick it's not what I want at all this is it for years like so I started stand up just before I went back after my third child and that was it so how are we old were you? So was that it? Was that just the, like, were you just like,

I'm sick of it, I want to try something? Had comedy always been in your head? I always wanted to do it. I always wanted to do it. I just didn't get very, I don't know how you started at like 12 or however old you are. I don't know how anyone has that confidence. It was felt so like too big for me.

Do you know? I don't know. I just, it was terrifying. So were you like 36? 37. I knew, I heard Ricky Gervais started at 37. So that was me do you know i don't know i just it was so you're like 36 37 i knew i heard ricky gervais started 37 so that was my you know like asteroid splitting moment in armageddon you know like 37 is the oldest i've heard of anyone starting do you know i mean and i i just thought if i go back i'll never do it that's been a rapid four years then oh rapid i mean i won the funny women five months after um starting and then i got signed do you

know what it was i got signed with french and saunders agent i watched 300 years of french and saunders in the christmas 2018 and i just cried i just thought what am i doing with my life and i just so i started and then maureen vincent their agent i was co-signed with her before the next christmas how fucking mad is that you can turn life like that i think some comic because we started young you were 18 weren't you i was like 20 i think sometimes when you start young like there's almost nothing to say there's yeah with all the comics that are like don't get me wrong i'm really glad i started that young because i got to get the practice and get good so that when you're a bit older you're like you've got so much mileage under you like under your belt and um but the the acts that start older have got so much more like adam says

life experience and just got so much more to go back like jeff innocent only started when he was older didn't he yeah he was in his fucking brilliant i know and but the thing is and sometimes you see lads that get really frustrated, but actually things start blowing at 30 often. Do you know what I mean? Like in their early 30s, because all of a sudden, it don't matter how skilled you are, you want someone that's got something to say.

You want people, and also I think there's, for audiences, when we're mugging off certain audiences, for me, it's like, you want to feel you're in safe hands. Yeah. So when someone's going there, I don't want a 23 year old to go into fucking murky water i don't trust you your balls ain't dropped you know what i mean but when it's like when it's someone in their all of a sudden you go yeah i'll listen to you yeah i totally agree yeah like the type of

stand-up i sort of ended up doing in my late 20s i could never have done early on because if you're being opinionated and saying here's what i think about this if you're fresh-faced like an audience that goes to a comedy club because comedy club audiences are not really young they're not like opinionated and saying here's what i think about this if you're fresh-faced like an audience that goes to a comedy club because comedy club audiences are not really young they're not like 18 to 25 they're sort of 25 to 40 aren't they as a general like the the the bell of the curve is 25 to 40 or whatever in the audience like those people do not want to hear what someone younger than them like significantly and obviously and visually younger than them yeah thinks about the world's problems because they're like why the fuck would any of us listen to you about any of it even in a comedic way you need a little bit

you need a beard you need a fucking beard you all the abilities to grow one or just or just talk about your life like i don't mind a younger comic talking about stuff that's to do with them you're like yeah cool it's when you're doing the thing of like it's it feels like a younger comic has watched an older comic yeah and gone all right cool that's what comedy is you're like don't do that tell us about your life more than that that's interesting to me i don't mind that at all and i think that a lot of my success has come from i know who i am so i i come out and just i 100% know who i am on stage i haven't had to find out who i am on stage I know who I am. So I come out and just, I 100% know who I am on stage. I haven't had to find out who I am on stage.

I know who I am. I'm going, it's like that. But you see so, I mean, it might just be a stage that you'll have to go through. So many comments, you go,

oh, you're doing him now. Oh, you're Bill Burner. Oh, you're doing him now. Do you know what I mean? You see it and you go.

Yeah. I saw your tweet about Shane Gillis. Oh, when you watch Shane Gillis' special and you were like, you're like, oh, now I realize why everyone's holding Gillis. Oh, no. When you watched Shane Gillis' special, and you were like, oh, now I realise why everyone's holding the mic. I know. I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Which, by the way,

that's not a dig at Shane Gillis or anyone, but it's so funny because now Gillis is the flavour of the month, and he will be for a while. And justifiably, he's fucking great. But if you're a 22-year-old comic, you're like, God, that's the comic I want to be. And then there's some things you think you can copy

because that'll make, it's just hack. Stuart Lee was the same. When Stuart Lee bought... There's about 7,000 James Acaster's on here. Oh, yeah. I mean, I think this is the thing. Like, there is a billion... And I was a little Peter Kay k i swear i really when i started out

i thought yeah i literally thought you had to go like it was so bad anyway you see you might with a pair of trainers you want them training that is your 20s that is your 20s so if you're doing it on stage it's shit your 30s are so much like you're going to enjoy your 30s so much better

when someone said that to me I was like you're lying as if he doesn't delete all his brain with pop by then infinitely better 20s are awful 20s are awful

oh by the way I quite enjoy my 20s what I quite enjoy my 20s more than your 30s but you're enjoying it for different reasons, aren't you?

Because you can drink that fish. But you weren't a real person. I know, but I had a lot of fun. You had a lot of sex and drugs. Yeah. You were wittful. Hang on. I think that's what I meant.

But do you respect your former self, Dan? Do you respect the damn nightingale of his 20s? Was he a respectable man? Because I think he was a charlatan. He was, but he was getting laid so much. That's very fuckable charlatan. You know who you are. You give a fuck less.

I'm sorry, I'll give less of a fuck. Oh, that's very, very true. So important. Just like, I don't give a fuck what you think. Go away. And then you get to live your life better. It really is good. Being truly comfortable with what you think about me.

Fuck yourself. I couldn't care less. And just then carrying on doing whatever you want to do. It's a superpower. It is. And 40s are even yourself. I couldn't care less. And just been carrying on doing whatever you want to do. It's a superpower. He said, 40s are even better. And it comes more with age. That's why like old men are quite happy

to just piss and shit themselves and then answer the door and be like, yeah, I've shit me pants, put them in my pants and you're at my house. That's what we do. That's what we do.

We do though. I remember doing trick or treating and the fella answered the door and he pissed himself and quite probably shit himself as well but there's a big piss stain right down his pants and he and he brought like the fucking harry bow to the door and he's like yeah yeah and I remember just him having this like he lived on um linstead road in dovecote I can take you to his house right now because I remember it's not he's not. He's dead. He is dead now.

I know what I was. I think he might've died a few days after. Maybe, but he had, he was obviously pissed himself but he didn't give a fuck. He just like, he didn't say it. But if I could read his mind, he's like, yeah John these streets, I've pissed myself but you still want the sweet stuff.

Yeah. So shut the fuck up. And I've used cause you just gain more. Don't give a fuck, as you get older. I can't wait to pee myself and not be asked. If you listen to this late teens or late 20s, you're like, life shit, it does get better. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't talk to yourself sort of thing.

Please don't do that. Just wait until you can shit yourself and piss yourself on Halloween. Great. I'm there already. I love that Adam's like like I've done the arena now what other goals have I got shitting myself on Halloween

being able to shit yourself and not having any embellishment would be the best life could get I love it when younger comics try and tell me what drama's going on and then so and so said this and then this happened and you're like I can give a fuck about it to a point.

But you're like, I'm 42. I don't care. Some of these are my mates, but you just get a bit of perspective and go, I don't give a fuck. I've got my own stuff going on, and it's not asked. When people are in their 60s and 70s, and they're like, oh, don't worry about it, or forgive them, or don't text them, or don't do that, and you think, oh, you don't get it you're old you don't realize actually no they just have lived

it all and no longer give a fuck it's like when you're when you're a kid and you're embarrassed that your mom and dad would say brand names wrong yeah yeah you know that thing of like going no it's not nike like oh like you don't mean you'd lose the mind but when you get old you don't give a fuck you're like give us one of them slushy things in the cinema. And it's like, it's a Tango Ice Blast. And you're like, I don't give a fuck. I'm already there. I don't give a shit what it's called.

It doesn't matter. I'm there. Comfy pants as well. Oh. Elasticated trousers. Sign me up. Elasticated trousers and fucking Doc Martens.

Life is here. Not together. But you know, comfy pants. Comfy pants. Comfy pants are boss and you don't give a fuck about it. Trackies,

just wearing trackies. I wore trackies on stage in front of 2,000 people in Newcastle the other day. Didn't care. I was like, yeah, I'm doing the gig

and me monster in trackies. But you were pissed in them. That's the next level. Because I'm not there yet. I'm not there yet. That's the dream. Doing laughs for kids. Hello, Newcastle.

Take your sweet. Stop looking at me pants. I don't. Keep it up. Mate, you're making me want to retire it's gonna be great 57 i'm out of the game no you're not yeah i'm thinking about it next year do you think you'll ever retire from stand-up um no i love it i love it whatever they say because he thinks he's gonna stop you can't stop it's not actually what i said i said i'm not working like i'm working now no past 57 60 that's not stop that is go down a gear i won't ever want to stop i already would

like to go down a gear having just finished the tour and currently i'm idling it's so good yeah big fan i know that won't last by the new year i want to gig again but i can see a point in and around 60 years old where i might want not want to do it with the same sort of frequency as i'm doing it at the moment i don't think that's mad i get it giving up completely yeah i'm getting the it's literally in the past couple of hours and the past few days it's been there but talking to you two in that first half about what i want to do next the the background of my brain is working on my next show already it's mad it's mad how my brain works because i've got the rest of the tour to do but i'm writing in the back of my head right now my

brain's going ah it is the planning is how it's structured yeah i know i get it but it's uh it's i this is exciting me um it's like the new shiny thing it's such an adhd thing yeah it's all yeah finish that film that special but here's what we're already doing next yeah i think that's part of the process isn't it what's your turnover like with with material and stuff do you keep the classics or yeah are you just constantly binning off stuff and rewriting well it's all a bit triggers broom like a club 20 club 30 is a bit triggers broom in terms of like what's a trick what's triggers broom you know you don't know about triggers broom and i think he knows that what i think you know the scene but like you might not know that trigger from only fools yeah yeah it was broom no he's had for 25 years triggers broom it's

literally a theory in like it's literally a theory in like it's literally a philosophical theory now and it's one of the most famous sitcom scenes ever talk me through it Trigger's Broom so he's sat there

in a cafe yeah with the rest of the cast yeah he's with Dave he's with Dave he's with Del Boy and is Rodney there

Rodney is Dave isn't he yeah Trigger calls Trigger calls Rodney Dave yeah they're gonna call a baby Rodney Dave's thereney is Dave, isn't he? Yeah, Trigger calls Rodney Dave. They're going to call a baby Rodney after Dave. So he's sat there. Shouting at me like I don't know the theory.

You know how Trigger's broom? Go on. He's a cleaner, isn't he, or whatever. Street sweeper. Street sweeper and he's like this. I've had this broom for 25 years. Has he seen this? Go on. Yeah.

So it's Caribbean enthusiasm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he's there and he's got his broom. And then Phoebe's there and Monica. He says, I've had this broom for 25 years. And he's there and he's got his broom. And then Phoebe's there and Monica. He says, I've had this broom for 25 years. And he goes, and in that time, it's had 17 new heads and 45 new handles. And they're like, why the fuck's that the same broom?

And he goes, well, look, it's the same broom. And in his head, because if you, at what point does it become a new broom? So if he got a handle and a head at the same time, that would be a new broom. It's the boat thing we did with the ship a while ago. It's the boat thing, and it would just replace a piece of a boat. When does it become a new boat?

At what point? I love that. That is a really good question. I think it's halfway, by the way. I think when it's now majority new. It's a new boat. When it's majority new. It's when they increment.

Do you know the boat theory? Well, I'm finding out about it. So let's say you've got a huge ship. Is it from How I Met Your Mother? No. You've got a huge ship and it's made up of, let's say, 100,000 pieces of wood, right? Oh, it's a new wooden ship.

Right. Yeah. Let's say one of those pieces of wood breaks and you replace it. Yeah. Is that now a new boat? No. So what if a second piece of wood breaks

and you replace that? That's like saying, I've got a fill in. You're a new person. Yeah, but if you come back from Turkey... So if the second piece of wood breaks, is it now a new boat? And how many pieces of wood

would have to break and be replaced before it is a new boat? Has it ever left the water? Has it been renamed? No. It's got the same name. It's still the job. But it's made out of new pieces

it's not in any way the old boat it's all new is it a new boat when is it a new boat I don't think it is a new boat I think it's the same boat never

even if nothing is the same I think it's gradual you know so if at some point all 100,000 pieces have been replaced with a new piece of wood it's not a new boat

I don't think so I think if it's still if it's just been done gradually and it's i think i think it's majority i think when over half's changed it's a really good philosophical question how many pieces of wood have you changed in your set that's the question oh finn's not in the mood so he's trying to keep it professional what i mean is i it just constantly I go oh I've got I'll try those two

free jokes and then it's just I don't even know when it's changed but I'm always writing exactly that's exactly it so I'm always writing

and then you know I really tried this weekend to do different sets over the nights because it was the first big weekend at Glee it was like

all the Christmas do's in free gigs which one Birmingham Glee yeah and it was like the big three gigs and you just couldn't sort of give them get them to give a fuck so i was just like i just went for it on a saturday night just new material and different bits and you went new

material not new a whole new set of like from what i was doing on friday night of what i'm currently gigging that's like solid gold i thought i just want to mix it up and just talk about going into town today. And do you know, like just a bit more, just you have to breathe life into it. But now I'm doing my first tour and it's like hearing you talk like that, I think, oh, maybe I'm not serious because I'm just like, I know the shape of it,

but obviously it's my first tour. I want to put absolute solid gold bangers in. Yeah, but Adam's burned all of his old stuff. So when he says new show, he has to write a new show. That's what I mean. When you're going into that's your this is your first tour yeah you're allowed to get all the weaponry out and go well this used to fucking be a banger and that that's yeah that's fine i'm bringing all the good

stuff to it but then i think well then the next tour do you always do stories is it always got a narrative no but like so this this tour that i'm doing at the minute the first heart like it's the first half is who i am and the second half is a bit of an explanation as to why yeah in a way but like that's not that's not necessary it's not signposted it's not painfully obvious you'd have to be a bit of a nerd to notice that yeah um and and the second half is it's all quite personal basically are you getting more personal? Yeah, because people seem to respond to it more. And the next show that I've, in the past couple of hours,

started writing in the back of my head and I can't turn it off, is, I'm very excited by it because that'll be even more so. It's scary though. It is. It's very scary to put genuine pieces of yourself on stage but it is the most rewarding and we live in i think we're in an era of personality now where audiences don't just want to be made laugh they want the more they get from you and with podcasts and stuff this is sort of put it under a microscope and like blowing it up even more that they want to feel like they're getting to know you through your your way i think more than

just jokes but i think it goes full circle because when people start it's like when you can tell them someone starts it's like so you know when my parents are this and i do this i'm from here it's very safe and it you come your first five you're just keeping it safe and then as you get more experienced and honed you go in and go in aren't we all like this isn't that and you're casting it all broad for everyone to come in aren't you all like this isn't that and you're casting it all broad for everyone to come in aren't you then yeah as now but once you've got them in you can be like right well we all here and you want more about me we'll head in us yeah but that's the stratosphere that you're in and not everyone's in that no no no and this helps with it because you know that you've got so many

hours to fill with who you are and then there's guys who are excelling by doing the opposite like look at jelnick and Mark Norman by going, do you know what? Actually, I'm going to be, I'm going to detach from, because I think that has a lot of value as well, doesn't it? Just people going, I'm just going to do the jokes,

which I can't do to save my fucking life. Like, I have to be personal. But the guys who are good at that, it's superb. But clowning, like, it's like Harry Hill. Like, you don't even know why you're laughing. And somehow there's some truth in it. Somehow it's saying something about some stuff.

I mean, we did a sort of benefit gig the other day and he come out with something like, talking about the older generations, younger generations, and you know, people tearing down statues. And he's sort of arguing that like older generations

achieved a lot for, you know, the millennials. But he's going, he's going, we didn't tear the achieved a lot for, you know, the millennials, but he's going, he's going, we didn't tear the statues down because we didn't know who they were. But it was then all clowning and all like, so it was sort of mix it up.

But then he's just like talking about, you know, fucking peanut foam sort of packaging. And you're just on, on that. Do you know what I mean? When guys are good at that, it's so amazing.

I don't know how no one does that. I've stolen this question. It's completely irrelevant to everything we've been talking about for the last 10 minutes, but I thought it was supposed to be 10 minutes ago. I've stolen this question from, I've seen about five other podcast clips

do this question. Like it keeps coming up on me, TikTok and stuff. And I think it's genuinely quite philosophical and interesting. Here's the question. What is it? Thank you.

How many owls would you have to see in a day before you thought something was going on? One. One owl. I get it. Do you know what I mean? I get it. Because it what I mean? I get it Because it's not one

If you've seen an owl You'd be like Fucking hell there's an owl I'd tell you that I've seen an owl A hundred percent Yeah but That's not the question Maybe like

Zombie apocalypse Oh yeah Like you're worried Like Two owls Like What the fuck There's another owl

No but like Like at what point Are you like Ringing your mum and going Like I love ya Like I'm I love you. I love you, but it's the owl apocalypse. You think it's five?

I went to an owl cafe in Japan once. That was really sad. Was it? Cool, back to the question. What the fuck? What's an owl cafe? It's a cafe with owls. Just put them two words together and you'll probably get it.

It's a cafe. It's a cafe. And there's owls. There's a cafe. And there's owls. There's owls. Like the cafe. But for owls. Fucking Japan's mental. But they would all

chain to their perches and an owl would fall off and they'd just swing. And there's you having a fucking cappuccino. I don't like coffee. I'll take you through

my thinking with the owl thing. I want to hear this. Like one owl, I'd be like, fucking owls. Why'd you go to a fucking cafe then?

It's not like, obviously, you're not at a petting zoo or a farm or a zoo. You're just, you know, you're just out and about. So if I seen like an owl and lived with one, I'd be like, fucking hell, there's an owl. That's mad, that. Hang on, where, where, where, where? Just your normal life?

Is this any day? Your normal life? See, I live near the countryside and it's still probably three or four. But you're just going about your day. As much as I want to be like, Carl's gone, fucking one, maybe two, mad. I think it might be three or four.

So I think at one, you'd notice it and be like, oh, mad that. Have you seen a second one? I think you're like, I've seen another owl. I think it was the same owl. I think I've seen maybe like five owls ever, and now I've seen two in the same day. Weird.

Third one, I'm like, right, I'm gone. There's owls ever and now I've seen two in the same day. Weird. Third one, I'm like, right, hang on. There's owls everywhere here. What's going on here? I think the fourth one is the kicker. I think the fourth one

is right. No, bollocks this. Where did all these owls come from? And I think at five, I'm ringing Carl going, have you seen any owls today?

You check the news. I thought, yeah, I thought, Blake, there's something going on. Yeah. The news, the news. Do you want to check? Yeah. There's something going on. Yeah. The news.

The news. I'm going to check my owl app. Oh, it's a high density of owls today. If you get... In East London, surely that's going to make you... You're going to be at two and worried. At what point would you go home and just shut the doors and hope that it all passes?

I think that's like 11. Hang on. What have you heard owls can do? It's not about that, is it? It's not about what we can do. Do you mean rapey owls? No, it's not that. It's just this.

They're nocturnal. So if you're seeing a nocturnal fucking bird of prey swooping at you in the daytime. Something's wrong. You know what I mean? This is the opening of Harry Potter is what we're talking about, isn't it? Yes, it is.

I mean, foxes are nocturnal, but not in East London. They don't give a fuck. They go straight into the chicken shop and order. They don't give a fuck. Order? Number three there, boss fuck they're bold as brass but yeah an owl you're like do you know what I mean if you saw two owls

that day it might be like after dinner you might say to your other owl oh I didn't tell you I saw two owls third owl

yeah you're like you're in a family group chat you know what I mean fourth owl you're checking yeah you're checking,

yeah, you're checking local news. Honestly, I think if it got to double figures for like eight, nine, ten, I'd go home. Yeah,

I'd go home. I'd shut the doors. I'd shut all the windows. I'd be like, I'm not having this owl shit. I'm going to go and face the day tomorrow. There's just an owl

in the living room. Yeah, if I got in and he was already in there. There is an owl in my living room. What am I going to do? There is an owl. I living room. Yeah, if I got in and he was all of the in there. There is an owl in my living room. What am I going to do? There is an owl.

I accidentally stole it from Selfridges last year and it's still in my living room. What, an owl? It's a fake owl. It's just like a statue of an owl, like a fairy one. He wanted a memory from the cafe. We were buying Christmas decorations

and it was like a tall white owl, but I think it was part of the decoration of the shop rather than for sale. And he put it up his jumper. No, I picked it up. I was like, I'm going to ask how much this is because I want it. And then I bought me stuff

and then I realised when I was in the car that I still had the owl in my hand. See, that's how you shoplift. Yeah, by accident. You just nicked an owl, Karl. I did and now he's in my living room. I genuinely had no idea. Even though I'd covered it with several things.

Mad. I forgot completely. I forgot completely. But it wasn't for sale, so did they even rob it? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's up to you to decide. Is your car for sale? No. And if I took it, would I have stolen your car? By accident. Oh my God. You didn't do it by accident.

I did. I did. Can we go back to the fact that when you started this conversation, Carl's like, one hour. One hour's enough. And then the fucker's got a stolen one

in his living room all the time anyway. Are you in a permanent state? I'm like... But yeah, I think three or four hours, you're checking. How many snow leopards would you have to see? One.

I'm going on with just one snow leopard. That one, not you. Or if you left your house and there was three voles by your car. I'd get my gun. I'd Google what a vole is.

What's a vole? It's just an awful, awful vermin thing that needs shooting. A bit meerkat-y, I'm thinking. Kind of otter, yeah. I'd shoot a meerkat as well

if they were indigenous. I know, otter, come on. You'd shoot an indigenous meerkat-y, I'm thinking. Kind of otter, yeah. I'd shoot a meerkat as well if they were indigenous. I know, otter, come on. You'd shoot an indigenous meerkat? Yeah, yeah, I would. You're not indigenous, you liar. Blow its head off. I had to go somewhere with that. That's where I went.

I'd love to shoot a fucking vole. Would you ever shoot an animal? Because Dan thinks you would. Me and Adam just vehemently wouldn't. And he's a veggie, so we definitely wouldn't. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Adam wouldn't

until I gave him a gun near a creature. And then I think he'd think about it. No, that's not true. I would only shoot an animal if myself or a loved one was in impending danger. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, but you wouldn't have a gun. I'd blow a lion's head off if it was trying to scan you. No, you wouldn't have a gun. I'm saying he would pick up a gun to go and kill an animal you wouldn't do that are we in the lion park and it's trying to attack me no

you're going to the lion park with your dad pokes has gone badly do you know what Adam he's constantly come on take us down the lion park what's the lion park the lion park mate you've been to an owl cafe we us down the lion pot. What's the lion pot? The lion pot. Mate, you've been to an owl cafe.

We've got the lion pot. Would you ever? Yeah, a German shepherd attacked my dog and I would, if I saw it now, I'd kill it just for revenge. The caveat is that you would all shoot animals. Nice one. No, you're going out actively

shooting animals for no reason. Like hunting. Yeah, vols. Just protect your loved ones. That's understandable. I'm playing the long game. You want to vol, you know. Are we getting the before the attack?

Yeah, you don't know what vols are planted. Maybe I'm just, you know, thinking long-term. Would you shoot a deer? Would you go hunting and shoot a deer? I mean. See, you would. Yeah, he ain't against it, is he? I mean, where's the deer

in my garden it's getting his head blown off no you've got a prick there's a deer in your garden you go out and give it a stroke and take a selfie what a book a book a big book i'd hunt it mate no you could imagine being buzzing off your tits though killing an animal imagine hunting an animal all day I've done crabbing and that is fucking I've done crabbing as well that's a buzz innit

sick yeah do you ever kill them though do you no but still you catch a crab you pull that net up and there's a crab in it

throw it back in the water you know what I mean so shooting one that's like that's that's freebasing the harder the animal the better the kill as well innit I'd love to shoot one, that's like, that's free racing. The harder the animal, the better the kill as well,

isn't it? I'd love to shoot an eagle. That'd be great, wouldn't it? Fuck you, America. Pow. You'd shoot an eagle?

Yeah, I would, Karl. Would you shoot a big grizzly bear? It wasn't attacking you. You're not worried. You've gone to his house. Would you shoot him?

I've gone to the grizzly bear's house. It's in the woods. Right. Have you seen that domesticated grizzly bear in russia is he mates with that monkey it's called he's called tom the bear it's not domesticated they just hasn't killed them yet i've said this before no he literally he listens to sit and have a in there like it just hasn't killed them yet no he's Carl No it's a grizzly bear Yeah I know yeah And it's massive

And it's fully grown And it's just doing what it's told He's in the house Getting his teeth brushed Isn't that He brushes teeth They go open wide And he's like

And they brush it And one day he'll bite their arm off No he won't Your dog could do that He couldn't He hasn't got his mouth about it Not your dog But like Jack's dog

Could bite your arm off He's just him Laurie you've been dragged into A conversation Songs to be Your dog could do that. He couldn't. He hasn't got his mouth. Not your dog, but like Jack's dog could bite your arm if you trust him. Laura, you've been dragged into a conversation that we've been having. Songs today! These two. Laura, would you trust an animal that isn't domesticated like usually?

I wouldn't trust a domesticated animal. When I see, don't, my brother's got a pit bull and his little boy plays with it. I can't handle it. I can't handle watching it. I don't think it's cute.

They can all turn. All animals can turn. My it i don't think it's cute oh they can all turn all animals can turn my dog is a maltese pomeranian i wouldn't trust it around a baby you just can't you can't trust an animal yeah that's why i hunt dogs as well you know because you can't trust them you don't trust them i'm solving a problem for you just looking after your kids. Getting rid of a problem. I couldn't shoot an animal. You don't know what you're capable of. I could shoot a human if it was me or them. That's what I'm saying. Protection, yeah.

But I'm saying actively going out hunting for no reason. That's the difference, isn't it? There's always a reason, Carl. Because it's just lust. Because it's fun. Blood lust. Oh, someone came in my house and I had a no actually no i wouldn't i just push my bed against the against the door and ring the police finger the police can you give me a minute and try to get this police officer to completion

and finger them to completion so serica i mean this isn't true this is all hypothetical so there's a weapon under the bed. I have an axe next to my bed. Yeah, for when people break in. I'm like, you're not going to hit anyone with a weapon. You push the door, the bed against the door and ring the police. That's what you do.

But what if they've already got into your room? You have more time to lift the bed up and get the weapon. Oh, well, then, yeah, that's a first mistake. You have it, like, next to your bed. Lift the bed up. You just pick the axe up. And it's a deterrent, really. You don't want to have to use it. You're just like, get out of me fucking flat now.

I sleep with my rifle, because you don't know where balls are going to get in. Fucking Oscar Pistorius over there. I love that I've just decided I'm going to go hunter today. Do you have a weapon in your bedroom, Dan? Yeah, Laura's got a baseball bat. To play baseball with? Well, I assume it's for protection. It could be for, I don't know what she's doing with it. Baseball? Yeah, Laura's got a baseball bat. To play baseball with? Well, I assume it's for protection.

It could be for... I don't know what she's doing with it. Baseball? Yeah, that's what I was implying. She's always playing baseball, isn't she? He was implying she was using it as a big deal, Dan. There you go. Oh, God.

You can fuck yourself with a baseball bat. Especially if you have poppers. Probably four. Just protect yourself with like barriers you don't have to wear people with axes barriers?

what the fuck have I put the bed against the door you're not getting in the room oh right yeah I don't think it works what if they come through the window Karl don't look at me

like I'm fucking stupid you don't need to protect yourself just make barriers make a den and no no murderer burglar can ever get in your den

because you've not let them in. Vampires can't come in. You've not invited them. We're here to kill you and your partner. Well, good luck. I have several barriers. Come through the window. It's not fucking Tom Cruise.

Burglars breaking downstairs, not upstairs. That's not necessarily true. I live on the road as well. Did you be seen? Everyone lives on the road as well. They'd be seen. Everyone lives on the road. What do you mean? My house is in the woods. I'm very vulnerable.

You don't live on the road? I live in the front garden, is what I mean. As in, like, I'm on the... Like, he's in the front garden. Yeah, that's even worse. Nobody can hide in there for ages.

You've seen a lot of people. I know. Talk some shit, you know. No one's coming through the bedroom window. You don't know that. That'd be mad. You need to be vigilant and get a shotgun. No one's coming through the front.

No, well, I'm building boundaries. Look at mine. I've got a wall, a bed wall. All right, is there in the house? All ready. Put the bed in front of the fucking dorm and the police. Stop thinking you're mad with axes. No.

You're not. They always have a bigger axe. They might, yeah. And then it is what it is, you know? It's an axe off. You go, look, man to man, you throw your axe down and say, come on, let's have it.

And if they're a man, if they're truly a man of honour, I know. So what? Follow suit. The plan is, you've got an axe, the burglar's got an axe

and go, hey, this is a fucking there's no gut. Put your axe down, I'll put mine down. Count to three and then we'll fight it out like men of honour. And what are you? A burglar. You're on smack. Never mind that. You've got smack but you've got your honour. Right. Three. We'll put it down. On three.

One, two, three. Now, I shouldn't have trusted you. Now you've got an axe and I haven't damn it not all burglars are smack heads some of them are just you know

businessmen they want your goods yeah they're in the business of stealing yeah and they are a man of honour I know there's no honour amongst thieves

sorry yeah no bad idea keep your axe ridiculous let's have a break what part is it Yeah, no, by that idea, keep your axe. Ridiculous. Let's have a break. What part is it? I don't know.

No, you do. Come on, Adam, you've got to do it. Part three of four. Yeah. No, it isn't. It's part four of four. He said three of four. Oh, yeah. No, it's part four.

He's not right today. Pot Noodle sent him west. Finn, have you got any preparation? We do. Are we ready to give some advice? Do you feel sage? Do you feel sage, Laura? I don't know.

Yeah, I'm quite sage. I think you'd be good at advice. Yeah. You lived a life, didn't you, girl? Of course I have. I've lived a few lives, Daniel. Right, go on. Right, so, Anonymous,

as always, send them in to haveawordpod at gmail.com. In need of some advice from the lids, please keep it anonymous as I listen to the pod a lot around the house

with my wife. Jake. While under the influence of the devil's lettuce, me and my friend have come up with the idea to make our own fellowship where we will together

write a list of pharmaceuticals, document our experience in the form of letters to ourselves and bury them safely and one day in the future return together as old aged men to recount our journey although the obvious would not be tried aka smack or crack opium is very much on the table so is dmt mdma and other psychedelic substances the problem is we are both married and this could prove fatal to both marriages if they ever found out would living the secret double life of being a psychonaut and going spending a day or two away from the family absolutely off our tits be worth the risk many thanks i love the pod keep doing the god's

you're married men and you're like, oh, wouldn't it be betrayal if we went away together as men and just took loads of substances and didn't talk about it? You're describing a stag do, you fucking wusses. It's a stag do, except you know what men do?

They don't write a fucking diary about a stag do. Also, you're going to get potted off your twat and forget to write the letter. I know, DMT. I'd love to see the letter on DMT. You're just like on communion with god have you done any pot pot only what yeah yeah jazz cabbage we call it yeah jazz i've done the

old wacky backy jazz cabbage yeah when i was younger i didn't mind a bit of that i'd i find in your thought things set i've done that done mushrooms lsd not lsd done e i do love an e smack never done smack would you try heroin yeah i'd try heroin yeah at the end of my life i'd try oh you're too busy i mean the thing is people i think people think you take heroin and then you're an addict i don't think it works i don't think it works like that at all i think you've got to have an addictive personality i'm not scared of trying it because like i just i think i'd be able to just be like, that was nice.

Yeah, I'm compulsive, not addictive. I think they're just trying to... Exactly. I mean, it is nice. The thing is, we just see crackheads and smackheads. You know what I mean? If you're willing to lose your whole house... Yeah, it must be good.

It must be lovely. It must be so good. I do have a problem. Like, I got addicted to tiramisu. But I love McFlurries. I love McFlurries, and I'm not addicted to McFlurries. I can say no if I'm on a diet. I just have a no. Like I got addicted to tiramisu. But I love McFlurries. I love McFlurries and I'm not addicted to McFlurries. I can say no if I'm on a diet.

I just have a no smack diet. If you were losing your house and you were like, stop taking McFlurries. But I don't think anyone's ever been on the street sucking dick for McFlurries. So I think that's part of it.

Except for your mum. Yeah, yeah. Especially the smarties. Yeah, I'm compulsive. Like I'll get bang into something for a little while and then I'm done. Same. That's it. Yeah, but I compulsive. Like, I'll get bang into something for a little while, and then I'm done. Same. That's it.

Yeah, but I think, yeah, just three months on heroin could be a rough three months, couldn't it? Yeah, but I just have three hours on heroin. Just smack me up. And that's how drugs work. And that's how addiction works. But I've had cocaine before,

and I didn't get addicted to that. Didn't like pot either. All right, we'll get on the smack. What are we having this argument for? Because you don't believe that I could do smack and never do it again? You don't believe in me, Dan. I could do crack right now.

Is heroin just to forget? Is it like I want to forget my life? I think it's to feel amazing. I think it's lovely. I think that's what I'm saying. It's lovely. Laura, are you smelling heroin? Smelling?

Are you selling it? Because you're making it sound quite good. Apparently you're just like, ah, it's very like orgasmic. You're supposed to forget life. And you're just sleeping surely yeah it's like having a big common and a nap oh yeah yeah i don't want to do heroin describe two of the best things ever common and nothing oh yeah it'd be that wouldn't it yeah i mean don't do heroin i think they're trying to intellectualize something where they just want to go off and

do something go and do it yeah i mean the whole point is don't ask for permission i mean i don't i just think also reading back your thoughts when you've been high must be horrific oh it's like a pissed joke you ever written something down you think that is not in the morning i don't know you have tits um i say do it. See how the chips fall. If your marriage is skating on such thin ice,

it ain't a great marriage, is it? If you're the type of guy who's interested in doing something like this, your wife should have some sort of idea that this is...

Get her involved. She might want to do it too. Yeah, that's what I mean. Maybe she wants to do some smack. No, they won't. She won't. No, they said they're not doing smack and crack.

They're doing the hallucinogenic sort of stuff and everything. How do you think Serica would react if she wants to do this? With her? Like, yeah. Oh, she'd 100% be into her? Yeah. Yeah. What about with me?

Yeah. I think on my own person. Oh, no, I meant Serica. Oh, yeah, go for it. All right, cool. So just go for it, yeah? If Serica came to you and said, I'm going to go and do all this pot and other stuff

with me friends but you're not invited would you be Sam with her 100% as long as you told me it's the deceit that would get me yeah

never lie to your partner if Laura ever if Laura ever my wife suck stick for McFlurry I'd be fuming without telling you you mean

it's nice he's got boundaries it's nice exactly I'd still be annoyed even if I knew about it I wouldn I know she could tell me he's got boundaries it's nice exactly I'd still be annoyed even if I knew about it I wouldn't be like alright is that where you're going

thanks for telling me no she's no no no she's asking for forgiveness not permission she's told you she's already done it is that where

her just strutting indoors eating a moufflario she has loads of moufflario I'm addicted she can't even eat them. She's already, she's full of. Is that dried ice cream?

Oh, yeah. No, I'm obviously all for it. I'm very liberal. Okay, let's have the next one then. So another bit of advice.

Hi Liz, love the pod, need some advice. Been shagging this one girl from work casually, but also meeting my ex-girlfriend and shagging her as well. As me and my ex know each other well.

I'm getting too much pussy, lads. Better advice? I'm drowning. I need a scuba suit, breathing apparatus, because I'm drowning in pussy. Can you help? Here's my postcode. Fuck off.

As me and my ex know each other well, we have also been going out to restaurants, cinema and bars together, but never spoke about getting back together. I'm sorry, what? He's going... Me and my ex are moving in together. We've got a dog. We haven't said I love you.

We've applied for a mortgage. It makes sense. Her credit rating, my credit rating, but it's all casual. I'm fucking her. And her mum does live with us. That's just, that's financial. It's all casual i'm fucking and her mom does live with us you know that's just that's financial it's very casual i made the decision to end ties with the girl from work and crack on back with my ex this week the girl from work came up to me show me a picture of a positive pregnancy text test sorry shall i tell my ex who i'm now in a serious relationship with or just hope she never finds out

we live in a small town and everyone it's such bollocks what the fuck are these people doing they just want their letters read out we're in a small town. It's actually the sisters. Hang on, this is Emmerdale, isn't it?

We're in a small town and there was a helicopter crash. Every three weeks. We live in a small town. Everyone from work knows about the pregnancy. And we go into my work a lot for cheap drinks, which isn't ideal. Is it worth the spoons? Yeah.

He's either a moron or lying. Let's go for moron. Let's pretend it's moron. We don't know. This has been written in. So what are we thinking? Put your dick away for a bit, mate. Just try putting your dick away.

Give it a week off. It's only two girls. It's only two girls. He's only double dipping. There's no triple dipping. It's like a horror movie. A little share, but dib-dab-dich. But is she keeping the baby?

I think so. That's a big one, isn't it? Let's say yes. She showed him the test. I think that's not a, what should we do about this? I think that's it. No, that is still a,

what should we do about this? Is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not like, get on that. See you later. Get on that, by the way. Already in the bog. Don't worry about it.

Oh. Oh, dear. He meant the test. No, the baby. Oh. Lord. Oh. Oh, Lord.

Oh, Jesus. What? He's just said that that is a sign of, oh, yeah, it's already gone. It isn't? It is? No? I don't know.

I don't know what I believe. It's Christmas season. It isn't? It is? No? I don't know. It's Christmas season. I think. I've only shit that baby. I don't need to worry about it. It's a picture in my toilet. There you go. That's Ross.

So he's just going to go in Weatherspoon's, little Weatherspoon's baby there. Yeah, no. That's it. No, he's got to be honest. Just be honest. He's got to tell his ex and be like, hey, look, I was piping this girl from work.

She's having a fucking baby and you can be as involved as you like. Why would she be involved? Because they're Geordies. All of a sudden. This baby's going to be so loved because this baby's going to come in the world. Or have they got like three parents?

She is a liberal woman if she's willing to do that. Yeah. That's what it is, isn't it? These things happen. I mean, he's got to, yeah, he's got to, he's willing to do that. Yeah. It's what it is, isn't it? These things happen. I mean, he's got to... Yeah, he's got to... He's got to be honest, because... Get your ex pregnant ASAP,

and then you've got twins, but from different vaginas. Literally brother from another mother. That's nice, actually. The very rare twins from different mums. A lot of people just call them siblings. Not even mums, he said. Half brothers and sisters, but we don't do that here. Do you know you're a twin?

Different vaginas. From a different vagina. Get your ex-pregnant ASAP and raise them as little brothers who are like not twins, but like dead close. Give one half an amulet. Give the other one half an amulet.

Move them to different countries, see what happens. On your Wetherspoons wage. Move them to different countries. Put it in a basket. Put it down the fucking Nile. The only way that saves this. Look, she's pregnant,

but now so are you. So, you know, one all. Can't be upset with a draw. He hasn't done anything wrong, has he? You can't be upset with a draw. You take a point away at Man City. You take a point away with your ex getting pregnant.

I mean, he's not done anything wrong. I think he's, I think his missus, if they're getting back together, which they are getting back together, aren't they? Yeah, it looks like it. I think she's going to be a little bit annoyed, but the most important thing is,

motherfucker, you're going to be a dad, so you've got to do the right thing. It doesn't really matter about your relationship status. The right thing is getting your ex pregnant as well. That's our advice. Yeah. Also, you're getting back with your ex. Chaos, you know?

They know too much about you. Oh, lads. Guess what's happening. You ever got back with your ex. Chaos, you know? They know too much about you. Oh, lads. Guess what's happened. You ever got back with an ex? I've fucked everyone. What? You ever got back with an ex? Yeah, it's like a lit firework. The sex is nice. What? What? Yeah, I have, yeah. Oh, no.

Let's recycle your analogy there. It's like a lit firework. You never got back. The sex is nice. Have you never stuck a sparkler up your arsehole? No. I think I've got mental. You ever got back on an ex-lawder? What was her name?

Catherine Wheel. No, I don't think so. Firework. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's not good. It's not good. Listen, that's doomed anyway.

You broke up for a reason. Getting back with an ex, does that ever work? I don't think that ever works. So you're now saying get with the woman that's pregnant. I'm not saying get with anyone. I'm. Getting back with an ex, does that ever work? No. I don't think that ever works. So you're now saying get with the woman that's pregnant? I'm not saying get with anyone. I'm saying be honest with the ex you're back with

because that's not going to work anyway. Yeah, I don't think any of this is going to work. Just move. None of it's going to work. Just ghost them both. Go to a big town. Yeah, just leave them both. Leave your Weatherspoons baby there.

They might be lesbians. See how they don't raise the baby? That's unbelievable. Lads, I've moved to a new town. Three women are pregnant. It's a nightmare. I don't even say women properly anymore.

That's how pregnant they are. Vaginas. No, the women can get together and raise your baby. That's superb. Yeah. Have we got anything else, Finn? Yeah, we've got a couple

of have-a-words. Oh, look at you doing the old classicos. But genuinely get your ex pregnant. That is the only way this goes away How do you get someone pregnant

like I understand sex Do you need a should we have a talk No They have to be privy Is this how you

and Seneca can have their babies They have to be privy You keep putting it in a bum hole You can't fuck someone in the arse and get them pregnant

No but they have to be privy to it don't they Unless you get a turkey baster and take it out and then put it in the pussy They have to be privy to it they have to be privy to it, don't they? Unless you get a turkey baster and take it out and then put it in the pussy. They have to be privy to it. They have to be privy

to getting pregnant, yeah. I got you pregnant. I know. I was part of it. That's true. What's your point? I'm saying she might not want to get pregnant. No, but talk to her and be like, look, just trust me. Right? You'll be happier

pregnant than not when you find out what's happened with fucking Susie. Susie Denton. Finn, have we got anything else? Have we got some other words? Carl. What's sex? How'd you get someone pregnant?

Go on, Finn, what you got? This first one is from Dan Williams. Can you have a word with my mate, Ben? we've been to a couple of funerals recently and he's always on the pole offering a shoulder to cry on i think his morals need to be put back in check he lost me at funeral what's he doing he's going to funerals on the pool trying to take he likes he likes 82 year old widowers. He's mopping up that grieving clan. We've been to a few funerals. Three or more.

I think this needs to be an investigation. You know what? He could be killing people to get birds. Yeah. Oh, is that the official ruling on few?

Two is a couple, isn't it? Been to a funeral recently. Been to a couple of funerals. Been to a few funerals. It's three or more. Several is like five and more. Four or more. How many funerals. Been to a few funerals. There's three or more. Several is like five and more.

Four or more. How many funerals in a year before you start getting worried? Owl funerals. Yeah, owl funerals. I don't think there's anything wrong with this. I don't think so. If you're mourning and you want a bit of the D. It depends who it is, though.

Do you know what? No, no, no. Funerals are... I'm really not worried about these going to so many funerals. Was this like a double made a suicide thing? What the fuck? Why are you not worried? What were you going to say No, no, no. Funerals are- Are we really not worried about these going to so many funerals? Was this like a double made a suicide thing? What the fuck? Why are you not worried? What were you going to say then, Lola?

I was going to say, I think funerals are like Easter. Do you know, like Christmas is like a wedding where it all feels a bit like the pressure's on to have fun. But Easter, you could have a barbecue, you could have a range of mates. There's no rules to it. And a funeral's like that. So I just think, yeah, everyone looks good in black do you know what i mean everyone's looking good you can

get pissed you know i mean there's money floating about no one gives a shit i just think anything goes at a funeral and someone going to a funeral oh i love it i think do you like the funeral i don't want to i don't want to say it because i don't want anyone yeah i don't want to lose anyone I don't want to I don't want to say it because I don't want anyone I don't want to lose anyone I fucking love a funeral is it?

how good are funerals? I've been to some bell to funeral oh come on it is like once you get over the sad bit and they're in the fucking mud and you're just getting in

you're on the booners it is a good day oh yeah because you're not allowed to laugh so that's funny do you know what I mean? oh the actual

service service is funny but afterwards you're allowed to laugh yeah but the wake's you know what i mean like oh the actual service service is funny but afterwards you're allowed to laugh yeah but the wakes fun funerals are like my granddad's sister fell onto the altar as she was going up to give a speech and it is without any shadow without the funniest thing i've ever seen in my entire life did you laugh my sister's funeral and i know that's a terrible start to a funny story but one of my nephews his mate he passed out and it was and it was so funny like he passed out just as like it was van morrison into the mystic her song was playing and he fucking just totaled it and we just collapsed in laughter and it was still a good day it was a good day yeah it was a good day i think actually it's a good place to get laid because everyone's like

you know what we're not here for long. Get your dick out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get your biff out, girl. Because the star of the show ain't there. You don't have to worry about showing up the star of the show, do you? They're gone. Yeah. I think it just depends.

I don't like trying to shag the wither. Yeah, no, I mean, that is a faux pas. That is absolutely true. Like the wither's sister, the fit one in the LBD. Or just, you know, an attractive person your age. In a van. We do still need to get to the bottom of why there's so many funerals.

Yeah, he's there for killing people for poor CM. He caught Harry as well. If you get a job at a funeral directors to get laid, that's too far, isn't it? That's, you know. What, getting them before they're dead? They're lads, though, funeral directors.'s, you know. What, getting them before they're dead? They're lads though, funeral directors. You see an undertaking, funeral directors.

They look, they're laddish, aren't they? Yeah, yeah. Wow. Sorry for your loss. Yeah, yeah. Ray Winston. Yeah, yeah. Ray, sorry for your loss.

That's all funeral directors. Ever cut you the coffin then? Yeah. They're heavier than you expect, isn't it? Yeah, and they ruin your suit for the rest of the day. What? Yeah, notice that. What do you mean?

I've carried the coffin, and it was a wicker one. Like a... It wasn't like a wood. Pool bearer. Yeah. A wicker? A wicker one? It was a wicker coffin, yeah.

It's not that crazy to imagine. You don't understand what wicker is. What fucking hippie have you buried? It was Seneca's dad, if you want to know. Well, I regret the question. What? burned he got cremated yeah he's in the living room five grand for a wicker coffee that makes sense doesn't it because wicker burns easier than mahogany but mahogany burns I mean mahogany does burn famously that's me well it does what famous where's the pain it's wood. Yeah. And wood burns.

Wood does burn, but wicker burns. Sorry, yeah, we'll save the fucking cremation place. My conspiracy, by the way, coffin makers

are on the scam. They whip the person out the coffin, put it back in the shop and sell it again. No. My mum used to work for carp funeral care.

Nah. She was always on the conspiracy bus. Oh, you just myth busted me there but they always do that they do it for florists as well they go oh they take the flowers back from the from the cemetery sell them again it's one of them industries where people like they don't even have clean limousines they love slagging each other off the funeral firms oh really yeah

true story oh so it's like beef between them oh of course mad it's a very competitive industry i think that i think i could be a humanist minister later in life. I know one, and you would be so good. That's why I want you to be mad. It's like a gig, isn't it? You're done by three o'clock in the afternoon. Make up some generic bullshit. No life.

Oh, life. Dan's money and me. Life. The last chance. Yeah, but I'm also going to do their funerals as well, which is nice, isn't it? Yeah. Two for one.

Please. What do humanists believe? In humans. She's nice, isn't it? Yeah. Two for one. Please. What do humanists believe? In humans. It's a celebration of your life. Can't argue with it. It's non-religious. This is the story from their life. Isn't this amazing?

I want to fucking mar the guy at a funeral, by the way. I don't want anyone sad. I want you all in your fucking best suits. No black shite. Just wear whatever you want. Pink, blue, little pinstripe. Whatever you want. Pink and blue.

It's a gender reveal it ruined my shoulder for the whole day that upset me yeah my father-in-law was heavy yeah it's heavy isn't it yes full-on my nan's had a few uh humanist funeral and the the celebrant uh wrote a poem but it was very like uh dr seuss oh that's so trying to keep a straight face is she is dead dead is she fiddly d fiddly d honestly not far away from that it was literally that it wasn't why because you're trying not to laugh because she's taking it serious it's not wrong with laughing i was instantly yeah i think there is when someone's playing it dead straight oh maybe you can't laugh at them no but that's the hardest to know yeah someone taking something seriously that you're not taking seriously is the funniest thing in the world hamilton

yeah yeah have you ever seen hamilton no don't oh really it's the best thing that's ever been They've just seen a bad one. History. Right, next one. This is from Jamie Stanton. Hi, lads. I need to have a word with my mate Lee. We have a big friend group made up of mates who went to school together, and one day in the pub, we booked a weekend away in Bristol to go on the piss and see a band that we saw when we were in college.

When the weekend comes, we all arrive to the hotel, but Lee is nowhere to be seen. Instead, this specky lad rocks up and says he's lee's girlfriend's brother and lee had sold him the tickets because he had planned with his bird that weekend despite the fact he never mentioned anything we called lee and he confirmed this was true and he thought that james the specky lad would enjoy it more because james had legitimately paid we couldn't really say anything so we went to the concert with him. I had to share a hotel room with him and he just made the whole weekend

really fucking awkward. Have a word with Lee for being a daft bellend. Cheers. It's awful. Awful mate techers. Also, this little dweeby con who took that offer up

and was like, I'll go with all your friends. Who's this? That's the girls engineered all of that, isn't she? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is psycho bear behavior.'s it's giving hangover take my take my specky little brother specky oh sorry can we do a retake of that it's giving hangover take my

it is though that's it she's manipulated all that oh you're no you're not some friends with me we'll send our little john you're mine you don't need your friends anymore you just need me come here you she's frightened she's also sisters with little john the rapper send him yeah um that's what he'd say oh oh that sounds fucking painful by the way you don't have to share a room with anyone that you don't know that's got to be a rule on it i know oh you know me very well i know um that's got to be a rule if you're like yeah yeah you can give tickets away you can't give half a hotel room away so what do you do in that situation? Fucks Becky off. Fucks Becky off.

You've got to be like, mate, you can have the ticket. I'm not sharing a room with you. I don't know you. He's paying for his half of the room. So you go and then pay for your own room.

Because it's on you then. If he's paid for his half of the room, it's not really his fault, is it? Make the room inhabitable. Just stood there naked the entire time. Shit everywhere.

Like, this is what I do in a hotel room. See how long he lasts. And what if he. Like, this is what I do in a hotel room. See how long he lasts. And what if he's like, this is what I like. That's a gamble. This is what we came for. What if he just sucks you off?

What are you going to do then? That'd be like heroin. Totally redeemed himself. That's on you to go, do you know what, I'm not comfortable sharing a room with someone I don't know,

so you have that room, I'll go and pay for my own one. But you can't go. You're not staying in my room if he's paid for half of it. But then he gets half a room then, doesn't he? I don't think he's... Genuinely, I don't... I think if you've agreed to share a room with your mate

and they go, guess what? I'm swapping out. Fuck off. Yep. But then it's on you to go and get another room. I've booked a room. I just don't know. I think that's the bit that is the most mingling.

Booking a room with somebody, you have to have a certain relationship with them. I mean, is it really that big of a deal to share a room with someone you don't know? Unless he's like fucking hollering in the middle of the night. Oh, that would be a lot, wouldn't it? Go on. I can't see!

Put your glasses back on. I'm blind! Like if he's in bed, like if he's snored or talking to sleep or he's just there going, woo! If he's doing any of this shit. Do you know what?

As a comedian, I'd actually pay extra to have that guy. Hollering, hollering, woo! Love it. Turns out I've got a new ending for my next tour. Oh, wow!

That would be annoying, but if he's just a normal, regular guy with no sleep issues, I don't think you've got any grounds for kicking him out, Daniel. I don't think you should have to share a room with anyone you don't know.

But what are you worried about? That he's going to put you in your sleep? No, no, I just know, but like literally, do you know what I mean? You must know what I mean. Like when you agreed to share rooms, it isn't just a like,

well, that is a place, it's not like a ticket on a train. He's bought a ticket for room 11 at the Premier Inn. But what are you worried about? No, I'm just saying, it's just fucking grim, innit? There are friends you thought you wouldn't share with? Friends? Only because

they're a nightmare? We don't know this guy's a nightmare? If he's a nightmare, then yeah. But if he's just a regular guy? I said he made the whole weekend awkward, didn't I not say? Yeah, it says he made the whole weekend really fucking awkward. With his hollering and whooping and his raping.

You're ruining the dance, lad. Shut up. Yeah. Oh, woo! He knew it was a nightmare because they didn't give him the heads up. They didn't give him a warning. He literally arrived. Laura, you're so right.

Thanks, babes. I'm getting into it. Fucking released, innit? Did he make it awkward or did they just feel awkward because they didn't really know him? Or was he in the corner being like... Making weird noises and acting like a squirrel? I don't know, do I?

How is he making it awkward? Would you share a bit with someone who came in and was acting like a squirrel? No. That's what I'm saying. It's too late, isn't it? But we need... Yeah, but at that point, I'd be like,

he's acting like a fucking squirrel. I'm not sharing with him. Oh, that squirrel John's fine. He doesn't holler. And he might suck you off. Grow up. I haven't got any more bullshit in me. I think we're done.

Laura, thanks for coming in. Thank you, you're welcome. Where can people find you on social media? Where are your tour tickets and when does your tour start? Thatlaurasmith on Instagram and then I'm laurasmith.com for tour tickets smith spelt with a y smith spelt smith spelt with a y indeed that's y instead of the i not at the end it's not what's that joke that's a funeral joke isn't it where the man he gets a headstone for his wife

and he wants to put she was thine lord and they missed they missed the E off so they said you missed the E off and he says alright so he puts it back on and he E she was thin I'm sorry yeah so

more of that more of that on tour April I start tour I'm in Hotwater I am at some point as well

Liverpool yeah so they can find me super I start tour I'm in hot water I am at some point as well Liverpool yeah so they can find me super have we got a tune we do but just before the tune I want to give

Harry's documentary a plug it's coming out Sunday the 17th so if you're watching this on early access it's out tomorrow but if not

watch it now Harry you go ahead plug it my life with a wig and head it's a documentary with a cult in Manchester. They believe an old woman is God who lives in South Korea. It's free to watch on YouTube.

So please watch it. Hang on. There's a woman who lives in South Korea who thinks she's God. Yeah. And they think she's God and they send her loads of money. Adam's just had an idea. I'm very excited about my next project. I don't know how many people I could convince. I'm God excited about my next project. I don't know how many people I could convince. I'm God.

So go and check Harry's documentary out and then we've got a tune which is from Chris Mardula. It's a Christmas tune. It's called It's Christmas Time. So go and check that out. Jesus only convinced like 12 didn't he? And he's still fucking banging around. How many patrons has Jesus got? We've got 25 and a half thousand. Jesus had 12 boys mate. Everyone else thought he was a

gobshite. That's a pod. That's a pod. Have a listen. I hope you got my letter It flew a long, long way Cause I've been riding to reach you

Just for Christmas Day A time for laughing and joking A time for family Been not my best behavior Hope's end's good to me I hear the sleigh bells ringing The snow is falling down The town's so busy

When Santa comes to town It's Christmas time It's Christmas time It's Christmas time Hand me Coca-Cola Drink a mulled wine Hit the head to the table Can't think of a better time All the family together

Look after what's yours and mine We're singin' songs together Dancin' out of town I hear the sleigh bells ringing The snow is falling down The town's so busy Santa comes to town It's Christmas time It's Christmas time

It's Christmas time It's where I waited, anticipated Santa gonna come Where I'm dreaming Where I'm believing It's Christmas after all It's where I waited Anticipated Santa gonna come

Where I'm dreaming Where I'm believing It's Christmas after all Now it's Black Eyed Friday Going out to work Jager bombs at the table Everyone's going berserk Wake up in the morning

Gotta do it all again Cause it's the greatest season Be tired until you're my friend I hear the sleigh bells ringing The snow is falling down The town's so busy Santa comes to town It's Christmas time

It's Christmas time It's Christmas time It's where I waited, participated Where I'm dreaming, where I'm believing It's where I waited, participated We're believing Cause we're out waiting Anticipating We're out dreaming We're believing I hear the sleigh bells ringing I hear the sleigh bells ringing It's Christmas time you