Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #260 with Liam Withnail - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: January 22, 2024

Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan Nightingale & Fiends Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.ukComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsCheck out Finn's music: https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20Supreme CBD | https://supremecbd.ukStress less and sleep better with Supreme CBD using code WORD40 at checkout to get 40% off sitewideFüm | https://tryfum.co.ukHead to tryfum.com/HAVEAWORD and use code HAVEAWORD to save an additional 10% off your order today.BetterHelp | https://betterhelp.com/word10Get 10% off your first month!NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Become one of the lids:https://patreon.com/haveawordpodTickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comFind us everywhere:https://haveaword.pageDiscord:https://discord.gg/haveawordpodFollow the podcast, our hosts and our guest on social media:Have A Wordhttps://facebook.com/haveawordpodhttps://twitter.com/haveawordpodhttps://instagram.com/haveawordpodAdam Rowehttps://facebook.com/adamrowecomedianhttps://twitter.com/adamrowecomedyhttps://instagram.com/adamrowecomedianDan Nightingalehttps://facebook.com/danhasapodcasthttps://twitter.com/danhasapodcasthttps://instagram.com/danhasapodcastLiam Withnailhttps://twitter.com/LiamWithnailhttps://instagram.com/LiamWithnailADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Now then, ladies and gents, welcome to the Have A Word podcast. Hope you enjoyed today's episode. Before we start, I'd like to tell you about my new stand-up special. Dan Nightingale's special is on the Have A Word YouTube page. Go and watch it now, like, subscribe, share it, tell a friend, enjoy. I think it's some of the best stand-up I've ever done. I hope you like it. I do not have a new special yet because I am still on tour

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Still got three dates in Liverpool to do. I'm going all over the place. Adamrow.co.uk forward slash tour. All the dates are there. 33 still to come. They're starting to sell out

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for a very simple reason. We're the best at this. So go and check out what you haven't checked out yet. And if you're already there, you know just how good it is. Enjoy the episode. We've just finished recording it. It's a belter wag wag leads you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game from the heart of liverpool with adam dan sensei carl and finn this is the one and only have a word brought to you by manscape the very best products on the market for below-the-waist grooming.

Go, Ed. Get on me. Started me morning quite well today. How have you started yours? I mean, you did, but you've forgotten you don't live in town anymore, haven't you? I feel like that's happened. No. Well, you rolled in a little.

Do you know what I mean? I'd have only been 15 minutes late if my car wasn't frozen. Yeah. Range Rovers are famous for not being able to take the weather conditions. My car was frozen as well. I'm not a time spanner. I am a bit of a time spanner. Not as much as you.

Adam, you look great. You look like a Colour Coordinated lumberjack. That's what I was going for. I was. If you shot a bowl wearing that, you'd be like, oh yeah, that bowl deserved it. Crack shot. Crack shot.

Anyway, welcome in. You having a nice morning? Yeah, I've got a bolognese in my slow cooker, if you know what I mean. Someone's coming your ass. No, he needs a big poo. Oh, he's making food. He needs a big poo.

Sorry. Yeah, can we start again? I need a poo. Yeah, well, I've moved house. I know. Halfway. I've still got the access to my old flat till the 10th of Feb. So I'm still keeping half my clothes in there for now

because I haven't got room for them all in my new place. Now, I know, listen, I know I take the piss and it's kind of my job. You've definitely put in the notice on the old place, haven't got room for them all in my new place. Now, I know, listen, I know I take the piss and it's kind of my job. You've definitely put in the notice on the old place, haven't you? Yeah. Because I think you could be halfway for quite a while, couldn't you?

Like if, you know, tour's starting again, second half of the tour, and then you've got big plans for this year. You could have two flats for a while and a house. Adam, what happens

on the 10th of February? Do the spaces we've got now get biggerbruary do you do the space where you got now get bigger what do you mean because you're saying you're halfway but this is the right i'll go back to the start okay come on um so we did the patron recording here on monday went to mine and I filled my car. I was like, I'll just take as much stuff as I can. So I got about two thirds of my clothes into my car and then my Range Rover was full. Like you couldn't get anything else in the Range Rover

apart from two thirds of my clothes. This is your wardrobe that has been, you had a clear out like a month and a half ago, didn't you? Yeah. Yeah. So moved it all there on monday and to be honest with you the room just looked like an absolute bombsite monday night when i stayed there didn't sleep very well um and then yesterday i went to therapy and she gave me some really good

advice she fucking knows what she's on about this woman right and stop shoving bolognese in your ass she's fucking she's on it um so yesterday uh started sort of sorting stuff out so like the the flat i've been living in i've been in a very privileged flat for a couple of years because basically i went through a breakup a few years ago and had a mental breakdown i thought i deserved a three-bedroom flat on the docks and i've stayed there for two years and 48 grand in rent later there we are and that's just such a ridiculous waste of money it was a great flat but i just didn't need that much space but because i had that much space i filled it with like every wardrobe in every room like they were all big wardrobes with like i'm really high so there was like two rails in each one. So I essentially had like six wardrobes worth of clothes because there's two rails in each one.

And I've moved to a flat where it's furnished, but in the flat you get one, like just a double-door wardrobe, maybe like that wide. There's a spare room. The three of us have moved into a four-bedroom flat. Neither of the lads have got an abundance of clothes, so I was like, can I just drag the wardrobe from the spare room into mine?

And they were like, yeah. And I was like, that'll do. Two of them will do. It won't, no. So I'm gonna- Your t-shirts won't even fit in the middle. Well, I'm gonna fold my t-shirts. Doesn't work, I hate that.

Cause I always fold them and you can't see them in the pull of them out. Makes more of a mess getting them out. It depends how you fold them, because I've folded my jeans as well, and I've got a really good system with them already. I need to put it in place last night, and I'm not even wearing any today,

but I'm telling you right now. You couldn't be bothered getting them out, could you? So, yeah, I need a bit more storage for me clothes. But what I did last night, I went through me clothes and I was like, right, can I see myself wearing this this week? Week? Is that a time frame? Who's the Asian woman?

What? No, that was mine though. What? Marie Kondo. No, I can't hear the Asian woman. I got my clothes out and I said, I just asked myself, who's that Asian woman?

And I was like, do you know what? She shouldn't be in that wardrobe. That's what's taking up all the room. Her and her family. You know, I went for fucking salt and pepper chicken. I've abducted a Chinese family.

What's her name? Marie Kondo. Marie Kondo. Marie Kondo. Marie Kondo. There you go. Who? Marie Kondo. Marie Kondo? Marie Kondo. Marie Kondo. There you go. Who? Marie Kondo.

Marie Kondo? Who the fuck is Marie Kondo? So she has like one pair of undies and one ass and that's it. Oh, yeah. That smelly bitch. One ass. What?

That mad Chinese woman. Going to a window and we're going to put the bins out. I know who she is. She takes all the shit to her warehouse. No. She lives, she's a minimalist. Right. And that doesn't mean she's got little tits.

It means she's got hardly any things. Is she? She's Asian with little tits. Is she Ishan's Asian or? She's Japanese. Oh, Japanese. So Marie Kondo's like, or Marie Kondo, whatever. As long as you get the second one right there, you sound that, yeah. Do you know what I mean? Mrs. Kondo. Ms Marie Kondo's like, or Marie Kondo, whatever. As long as you get the second one right there,

you sound that, yeah. Do you know what I mean? Mrs. Kondo. Ms. Kondo. Ms. Kondo. Um, she,

she's a minimalist. She doesn't have anything. So like, she, she, she'll have like one, maybe two t-shirts, two pairs of pants.

And then it's like, one's in the wash, one's wearing, why would you ever need any more than that? Cool. That's it. She's like one fork. Like one fork. Is she in debt? Is she than that cool that's it she's like one fork one fork is she in debt

is she on the run no she's minted she's got a lot of money so that's the thing she does hoard cash oh nice but not knickers

no and yeah but I wasn't thinking like that at all really because I've got too much stuff for that so me

me asked you am I gonna wear it this, am I going to wear it this week? Can I see myself wearing it this week? Right, that definitely goes in the wardrobe. No, but doesn't she say, does this bring me joy? Yeah, I'm not following her, though. But that works, though, because I'm like, oh, I've had this T-shirt for ages. But if I did that, I'd keep everything.

He's so joyous when he's in his clothes. He just lies them out. It makes me like a little bivouac so am I going to wear it this week? yeah wardrobe am I going to wear it this month? yeah

fold it probably needs to go in the wardrobe oh okay am I going to wear it this year? yeah into storage yeah it's winter summer storage storage, isn't it? Yeah.

And then anything that I'm not going to wear this year in the bin. So I threw four things away. Put four things in storage and I've got to find them for everything else. How's the shoes? What's the shoes situation? I've moved 15 pairs of shoes

to the new flat and the other 85 are still in mine and I don't know where they're going to go I was in my mum's loft the other day and there's four bags of shoes up there and she was like can you pass some stuff down are they Adams? there's not an ear one of them actually is Adams I've just left them up there I was like oh no there's not an ear

because she can't look up there because she can't get up there so I'm just going to keep slowly putting my stuff in her loft are they going to go up in value value is that what you're doing is it like an investment no i was just like i like these shoes i'm never gonna wear them again i don't want to throw them away because some other gimp will wear them just burn him just have a good shoe burning he gave me 10 bags of clothes and they've gone to a charity shop so some, I mean I'm not going to say where a town in England now is all dressed like Adam what era Adam?

current era, oh this era so it's like Chelsea, yeah follow until about Tuesday very exciting you like your new flat, you've got housemates housemates, Jack Finnegan and a lad you don't know so name him um and uh yeah i woke up this morning i woke up before my alarm and it was like right get my

day started there or i could go back to sleep till my alarm goes off so i did the second one um woke up when my alarm went off and uh if i'd got up when i woke up instead of when i thought it was enough time to do a bolognese in the morning, I'd have been on time for work. But I wasn't. So I woke up. I went in the kitchen. I'm not taking away.

You always have a decent excuse. Yeah. How did you make a bolognese? What, you want to be on work and not make a bolognese? Nine o'clock this morning. Ridiculous. I don't know where you work, everyone. I wasn't making it for breakfast, Carl.

I haven't had a bolognese for breakfast that's not why I was late whatever job you're doing if you're there like god you're late again Barbara be like fuck I'm making another bolognese they'll understand if you're a premier league referee kick off was at three I was making another bolognese

yeah so when I get home tonight about half six me bolognese will be ready to serve. Just need to make the pasta. Or not, because my fucking beef wasn't made. Yeah, but you probably did it wrong, didn't you? No, I just put it in the slow cooker and put it on low. And someone swapped it in the day with a big boot.

So what did you put on the beef? I didn't do it. I just turned it on. It sounded like I made it. Maybe she's bad at cooking beef. Maybe. She's good at so many other things, though you yeah yeah yeah yeah um i went to the gym for the first time in about eight years yesterday yeah properly i went to david lloyd when it was about 400 quid a month i never went in the gym

i just went for a bit of a swim. It was usually when Etta had swimming lessons. But we've joined Total Fitness Me and Lars. I'm gone. What? Were you swimming with her? No, it was when...

You've got to go with your kid with swimming lessons just in case there's an aqua paedophile, I think. Do you have to get in with them? No, you just have to be in the vicinity. I thought you said

you were going for a swim whilst Etta was having swimming lessons. I mean, I suppose you could, couldn't you? Because they're only in one bit. But we just, you know, because Laura thinks everyone's a paedophile

and you've just got to check. Surely, like, if there was a paedophile, you would need to be in the water to sort of block them. If you're just doing fucking keep-ups in the car park, then your kids could be getting fucking done in it. I think paedophiles are more, they're not as frenzied as you're making them out. It isn't like a zombie just like,

they don't see a kid and go, do you know what I mean? It's not like you have to get it's not a lot of rabid dog i think as long as you're in the vicinity really that's the best time to strike yeah when you're like it's fine i think i don't know if you're outside with your fucking bay blades and your kids are getting fucking i'm not talking about the pool i'm in the yeah i'm in the david lloyd car park with my Beyblades. Yeah. And I'm like, do you know what? I should be in there.

And I hear a... Is that a rabid dog or is that an aquatic paedophile? Etta comes home crying. There was a man and he squeezed me biceps. And Lorde was like, where was your dad? He was with his yo-yos in the front forecourt. The front cunt forecourt. That's where I was. I don't know if she uses the word front forecourt as well. Where's the cards on the forecourt. The front cunt forecourt. That's where I was. I don't know if she uses the word front forecourt as well.

Where's the cards on the forecourt? Anyway, we've joined Total Fitness and I'll tell you what's changed in the eight or nine years since I've been a gym member. The bunda, mate. Oh, it is the era

of the lady bunda. Now, this is Total Fitness Chester. It's a very respectful, female-friendly environment. Are you looking? So you just perv subtly. I'm not, you know what I mean? I even, at one point, there was a woman. You're all going to end up on TikTok, you.

Yep. There was a woman in purple pants. I saw it, and then Laura saw it, and I didn't get bollocked because it was such a phenomenal bottom do you know about the TikTok trend? there's cameras in the gym they've got cameras up their arse so when you're looking at their arse

it catches you you're making eye contact with their arse if the lens of the camera is in a bumhole I'm not like creeping in oh my god Laura look at this poor lad. Oh, I can go. Surveillance fucking equipment's up here.

No, I just clocked it. Everyone's got a bunda. Yeah, but you need to, it's one of these, isn't it? She's over there and you're like. Look at the tiling on that. Unbelievable. Did you do any gym work? Or were you just loving an arsehole?

I started working on my bunda. I need a fat arse. Everyone's got a big booty in there. Laura's already been gifted with some junk in the trunk. But oh my God, what an eight years for... How is everyone not just at the gym all the time? What have I been doing? Podcast them with us.

Yeah. I'll tell you what hasn't changed at all old men getting their dicks out in the changing room yeah oh i am undefeated for just let's just stop getting them out yeah they are crying when i'm doing don't call yourself old man as well you're the reason all the parents have to be with the kids. Old dicks in the chest room. It's so many dicks in there. There's old men dicks over 60.

I don't mind it, mate. Over 65-year-old, pensioner dick. Don't look, but respect it. I get fascinated by old men's cocks. You've got to look. You said you can't. You've got to look. I don't just look.

I, like, examine. Oh, you inspect't. You've got to look. I don't just look. I examine. Oh, you inspect. I get a good look at it because some old men's cocks look like the end of their cock is in a water balloon. It's like loads of skin that's got no dick in it, and then their dick. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

It's a heavy bellend. But not just the bellend, though now it's like there's bellend dick meat and then like like your dick never stops growing but the skin does and then like the the yeah so like the bit like that holds sausages together there's that then like dick then bellend and like unbelievable i feel like if old men get hard like it's like they've got like a fucking dildo on a string because that skin bit can't get hard dildo on a string

fucking Cyril's sneer of a dick yesterday oh it's horrible they're so naked nothing's changed there old men love getting their dicks high in front of me respect it it's so not intimidating Naked, nothing's changed there. Old men love getting their dicks out in front of me. Respect it. I'll be you next week.

It's so not intimidating. I don't find it intimidating. I just find it, it's just a, I don't know. It's not intimidating. I just find it like, it's just a bit much. They're old, don't give a fuck. I know, that's, that's, I may be. Just imagine it's another toe.

No. If you were like, oh oh he's got his dick I'll just be like oh that fella's got 11 toes like it'd be interesting you won't be it won't be a bit much I mean it by definition it is a bit much amount of toes but just me just pretending dicks are toes right in front of old men in the dressing room don't do that but if they got've got a dick hole, I respect them. I wish I had that level of, I don't give a fuckity. Compliment them. Nice dick, mate. Lovely dick. Thanks for getting out.

No, I'm not intimidated. Just a big toe. It's like a toe on a string. Where do you go when you go in the... Do you go here straight away? Or do you walk in the changing room? I've not found my sweet spot. Do you go here straight away? You know what I mean? When you walk in the changing room. I've not found my sweet spot.

But traditionally in gyms, in the dressing room, I'll have a spot. And it's never, for me, never as you walk into the right. I'll always find like the little- Stink stuff. I'll find the bit where you're like, this is the nice bit. This is a bit more chilled out.

I don't want all the lockers already fucking taken. Just a nice bench. Yeah, I've not quite worked out where my spot is there. Take me through your routine for putting your fresh undies on. So you've come out to the swimming pool. You've got your towel. You're soaking, as are your trunks.

Your little speedo, right? Oh, I tell you what, they've not got a Total Fitness chest there. The spinner. They've not got the fucking under-keck spinner. Very important. They are important, yeah. They've not got it.

I'm gonna be taking sloppy wet pants home. Come on, Total Fitness. Come on, mate. If I have to look at so many old dicks. You put your things in a, you press it, and it spins all the water out of them. It's like a dryer. It's not reached real yet.

Oh, they are great. Mate, they've been... They were at my gig... My gig? My gym in Manchester fucking years ago. You just give it a... Frog and bucket. Squeezing all the juice out of everyone's undies on the way out.

Piss yourself off, have you? Yeah. Sort that out for you. Zoom. I want to know your process for putting your fresh undies on. I want to know like where you get your dick out. Are you a towel? I'm a towel.

I take the towel to the pool. Went for a great swim. Hydro pool, sauna, steam room with Laura. She loved the steam room because there was men in there. I don't know what she thought was going to happen. Seneca's the same. Also, also there was a me, but just better. Have you ever seen like a version of yourself

where you're like, that is basically my height. He's bald, bit of a gingery beard, but was just in dead good shape. He was about 5'9". I was like, oh my God, that would be me if I made any fucking effort. David Gandy for me. Yeah.

I think mine's Brock Lesnar. Jason Marmota. We saw him in Vegas. Did you? Oh yeah, you were in the room. What's my thing? So I'll take the towel in. Towel in.

In where? In the steam room? Into the swimming pool area. Put it on the side. Useless towel now. Just throw it on aqua pedophiles. That's how you get them. You catch them.

I'm a pedo catcher. As a cape. No, put it on aqua pedophiles that's how you get them you catch them I'm a pedo catcher as a cape no put it on the side and then when I'm done you go over you fucking you know you have a little

little dry on the way through so you're not fucking pissing water over all the way yeah then I'll go a little shower probably take my swim shorts off in that shower area yeah

have a little shower wash my little bum hole. Maybe, I don't know. Use the fucking... You mean poo in the pool? I don't know. I'll just give it everywhere.

You don't know? I don't know. I never keep track of where that shit is. I'm a vigorous swimmer. Once I'm doing front crawl, mate. Or just swim in the pool, yeah. I've already said this before. I do butterfly, mate.

Get in the pool for the swim. I've just done the pool as well. Exactly. Oh, yeah. I'm trying to talk for, mate. Get in the pool for the swim. Exactly. Oh, yeah. I'm trying to talk. What's the name? Who am I doing that with? What if I'm there on my own?

Just like, I'll just wait until someone joins the conversation. You all right, lad? How you doing? All right? There's no one there. Don't worry about it. There will be.

All right. Are you an aqua pedophile? Better not be, because I've got a towel. I'll catch it. I'm wearing it like a cape. I'm a superhero. What's that?

You're a 78-year-old woman. Fuck them. Swim on, love. Swim on, Mildred. Go on. Yeah, so I... Yeah. So you're in the shower.

And then what I'd like to do, total fitness gesture, is put it in one of the... Yeah. But I can't, so I have to go in my towel. So I go back over to my... Yeah, towel's on. Not high.

No, I don't wear scissors. It's up to his neck. It's wild. Cover them tits. Put it on. Right? Go back over to my thing and just change without flashing anyone my dick and balls.

What do you mean, change? So you put your undies on under your towel. Oh, no, no. You just face it away, don't you? Oh, I get run to. I'm not like a, behold, like some of the old guys. You've got a pig on your ass, haven't you? I don't know, yeah.

I'd rather see your dick than your tattooed bum, if I don't know you. No, I think the tattoo faces the locker. The dick faces the locker. The tattoo is up. I'm not scared. I don't give a fuck. Like if the guy next to me wants to look at me then. He's gonna go that's not a big dick and I'll be like

I know as well. Don't worry about it. But I'm not like I'm not a fat lass at the beach sort of changing the town. With all respect. Like do you get in like the disabled things where you go door and do it in there? The family change? Yeah.

Yeah. The family's ate it. Get out! I've got a towel. I've got a family I'm allowed in. Just check it. So, yeah, it was a really good start. We're going to get, we're going to...

What did you do in the gym? You just told us that you were... Did you do any work? I think Laura just got a bit intimidated. I've never seen a less intimidating. Yeah, by the bunda, mate. So you didn't do any pushing or pulling? Well, what I wanted to do,

because Laura was going to the gym last year. She went for about six months. I thought she was going to give me a little like, oh, you do this, you do that. I will defer. I mean, it's all basically, it is a heavy thing, move it a bit, innit?

So when you say you went to gym yesterday, you mean you went to the gym and didn't do the gym and left? We did the gym for about 10 minutes and then Laura wasn't out. Laura got a bit intimidated. You don't have to have an induction. You'd think so, wouldn't you? You do if you want.

But she was like, have you been a gym member before? I was like, yeah, here. I used to be a member of Total Fitness Chester when I lived in the same room that Adam lived in on Herman Road. What do you do when you go in? Do you have a little warm-up on the. What do you do when you go in?

Do you have a little warm-up on the treadmill or do you go straight to the iron? I think I'm going to do weights in there because I don't mind running. I like road running, so I don't see the point of the treadmill. I might even run to the gym and then do some weights and then do a swim. I'd rather use the gym for the stuff that I can't do.

I've got a bike and I've got legs. It's a fact. So I can do that and I like road running. So I've got legs. It's a fact. So I can do that and I like road running. So I want to go in and do a bit of weights. I need someone to teach me weights. And then the swim

is just all part of the chill out, isn't it? Yeah. Swimming with pensioners. Which is what you do because I go in the afternoon and it's all just fucking old people. And I'm like,

you're all right. You're all right, Pete. You're all right, Pete. How you doing, mate? You all right? My gym hasn't got a pool. And then it made me not join because of it. I used to be with David Lloyd

and it was a million pounds. Oh, you need the pool, though, don't you? No, I'm dead sad. That's the little... I feel like that's the pudding. It's the reward, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The steam room's the reward for your workout.

Yeah, that's the little treat at the end. That attitude will stop you going, though. Yeah, no? No, I mean... Oh, like, the pool is part of going to the gym because you don't want to get in the pool as often as you think you do. And that makes the gym a two hour trip.

I don't even see the pool. I just like getting in the steam room. Like you can go to the gym and do more than enough for a day in 40 minutes. Oh yeah. But I particularly like swimming. Like I really like it. That makes me go and do the the first bit

do you wear the swimming car what for you know why i'm bored i'm pretty well i'm born i'm god's giving me a swimming cap i got no hair shh are you a good swimmer i feel like you're not good some of you all right in the hair. Are you a good swimmer? I feel like you're a good swimmer, you. Alright. Thinking about taking flippers down. No, you're not.

You're allowed to. It says you're allowed to use flippers in the lane. Yeah, you are, yeah. Yeah, you are. You're not so allowed to rollerblade all the way here from Chester, but you're not going to do that either, are you? You're not going to do that either, are you? You're going to do that? Oh, God.

I saw an old girl with flippers on. This is when I was a member of a gym in Leeds and she had flippers on. You're like, it was quality. She was at least 80 years old and she had like fucking snorkeling flippers on. Yeah, but she's got no use of her legs. It was just a mad look.

She was like, I like these. It makes me go faster. No one could argue with it. Was she saying that as she was swimming? Yeah, constantly. I'm not a paedophile. That's what she said. Taylor?

I saw the ghost for the first time last night. In my bedroom. And I wasn't scared. In your new flat? No. What? You weren't scared? Was it the Chinese woman in your wardrobe?

No. It's a mini condo. So it the Chinese woman in your wardrobe? No. It's a mini condo. So, do you know in Hamilton? Oh, my God. It's not a character from Hamilton, okay? Just relax. Okay? Okay.

You know the fucking fella who's like, he's not the rebel. Yeah. What's his name Samuel Seabury Samuel Seabury fucking Kim you know how he's dressed

Jimmy Jisbury yeah yeah so there was a ghost of someone dressed like that just leaning against my wardrobe smiling at me

well because there's a lot of American revolutionaries here near Sefton Park he's on the British side. Oh, yeah. I woke up because I felt a presence in my room and I could just see him.

Now, I don't... I can't say for sure whether I was, like, half asleep dreaming and making stuff up. You were doing that, yeah. But... But chances are... It was Depp or a ghost. Jerry G making stuff up. You were doing that, yeah. But. But. Chances are. It was Depo a ghost.

Jerry Jisbury. What was he doing? He was just smiling at me. He was just at the side of the pool. Like, yeah, right, lads. How you doing? I couldn't hear him. I couldn't hear him.

But he had a cup of tea. In like an old, like, tankard. Was it a ghost tea? Yeah. Why did the tea die? A what? A tank Why did the tea die? A what? A tankard? A tankard?

Cool. Oh, tankard. Sorry, Dan. The tankard was dead as well. There had to be a ghost. Absolutely. See, that's one of the constant debates in the ghost community, isn't it? Yeah.

Why are there clothes, ghosts as well and stuff? Where did he get his tankard? It said Chessington World of Adventure. He had a good day. I was a long way from the American Revolution. Was it Chessington World of Adventure? But I died. He's dressed like old British,

like really old British dress. That's why I thought of him. You love fancy dress. Yeah. But he was just there. That's awful. It wasn't intimidating. It was just like he was going, don't mind me, lad. I'm just here.

He was still asleep, weren't you? He was having a beer. I couldn't hear him. He wasn't saying anything. And I couldn't hear him laughing. But I could see him just having a cup of tea and looking at me. I sort of want it to be a ghost because otherwise it's your brain and your brain's more scary than ghosts.

Who dreams of revolutionaries drinking from a tankard going... Yeah, that's my brain. I hope it's a ghost. Because otherwise, I've lost my mind. I went back to sleep. I felt safe. Give him a nod.

What? Give him a little... I was just trying to make out whether he was actually there. It was like he was looking at me going, oh, aye, yeah, I am. Did he have a bayonet? No, I don't think so. He had a hat.

If anyone breaks in, you're I did, don't you? The hat was attached to his gun. Sorry, but he couldn't. Those got one. Someone breaks in. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe the old guys at my gym were just ghosts.

Maybe I see dead people with dicks. I, yeah. They were all there going. Me, me. With a penis. Is that a ghost? yeah they were all there going with the penis genuinely so like as far as i am concerned i don't know what i believe but i did see a ghost i don't know whether it was a ghost but i did see one do you know what i mean

you saw what people think of ghosts yeah like i'm so skeptical of it that i'm like i was like when i saw it was it but like like, like I was awake. I was awake in my bedroom and there was a fucking old fella there just fucking laughing at me. So they're the facts of the case. And they had-

Being a medium is not going to be so bad if you just keep seeing, you know, happy alcoholic ghosts. No, it was a cup of tea. Ghosts, what are they doing? Just on the smash. I don't know how I know it was a it was a cup of tea I see ghosts what are they doing just on the smash I don't know how I know it was tea

but again steaming yeah there was steam coming off it maybe it was oh toddy you never know yeah

but I don't think it was like a a negative thing and I felt quite good mentally yesterday because I went to therapy and it was all good what have you seen him again

I'm going to ask him what his name is. Because he could be in the house. It's a new house, isn't it? He could be like, this is my Ken. Hello. But it didn't feel like he was like, get out. It felt like he was going, you're alright, lad. My old room, this. That's nice, isn't it?

That's lovely. It's been empty for a while as well. It's flat, so he's probably happier with the company, isn't he? For 240 years. Yeah. Wow. Back to therapy as well. Back to therapy.

Yeah, I'm going every week. Time's a source. Are you going to tell your solid ghost? Yeah. Probably will, actually, yeah. Yeah, I think so. Probably open. Probably open with that.

Yeah, probably, yeah. She told me I'm not selfish enough yesterday, so I need to get ready with that. Yeah, probably, yeah. She told me I'm not selfish enough yesterday, so I need to get ready for that. She's an absolute tankard. And she said I might be the most intelligent man she's ever met. Right. Did you see her next to your bed in the night as well?

All my therapists are there. Mm-hmm. You need to be more selfish, y'all. I was selfish. Unbelievable. I'm looking forward to hearing about the journey. Why did she say that? Were you lying to her?

No. Why did she say you were the most intelligent? Were you just like- She didn't say I'm the most intelligent person. She asked me, did I appreciate how intelligent I am? And then by my answers, she says, she didn't- How did she manage to ask that question with your dick all the way in her mouth? Don't say that.

She's a lovely woman. She'd never do that. And I would never do that. Yeah, like she said she could. You're all going to fucking laugh. She said I'm too humble. She's a fucking moron. I hope she's watching.

Get the fucking piens out of her. What are you going in and being like, I'd love to watch you in therapy, you know? You're just lying. You're a liar. You're very timid. You're either a brilliant liar or she's fucking stupid. And it's probably a combo.

What the fuck? Yeah, and I said to her, everyone thinks I'm really arrogant, but actually, I'm really humble. And I, like, online, I'm like, wow, look at this. I was like, but I'd never do that in person, really, to anybody. Like, you don't show off in person, do you? I don't show off in person to anyone who isn't really close to me.

But who does? Who we know? It's the thing. We're all dead humble. Yeah. Well done. Not as clever as me, though. You might be the most intelligent person I have ever met.

You're so humble. You think everyone's thick and you're clever, but apart from that, you're so humble. You need to tell more people that they're fucking stupid. I'll get your fucking balls in there as well. Break. Break. You're fucking stupid.

Break. Break. Break. What the fuck is this? Oh, what's that sound? I think I need another coffee. Dan's special's just been released. Yeah, Dan's special's out. Go and watch my special, everyone.

It's out on the... Where will they catch it? Have a word YouTube page. Where can I catch it? Catch it. And you want them to what? Like, subscribe, comment. Comment your favourite joke below.

Please do that. Yeah. And subscribe. From the special. Don't just? Like, subscribe, comment. Comment your favourite joke below. Please do that. Comment from the special. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, either. Or your favourite joke. Comment anything. We should start bringing jokes to episodes. And we'll do our favourite jokes.

I think we planned to do that, didn't we? We didn't do it. I'll laugh at some of them. I'll be like, yeah yeah it's a great joke got any jokes then yeah go on I'm saving them for my next special do you know the quickest way

to get a nun pregnant hit me cum in a pussy nice he's wasted that that could be in his next special but now he can't use it that was a joke

oh it's just advice it's just advice he said that and then his therapist went you are the most intelligent yeah yeah yeah he did that joke and she was like oh cool and i'm different in there i'm honest in there this is all performance yeah performance poetry in therapy mate you got any jokes, Carl? Not that I could possibly go into this episode.

I can only think of one joke, Joe, and you can't think of things. And it's awful. I think it might be the same. Oh, yeah. Is it the Twix one? No, it's the Marmite one. Oh, yeah.

Tell him that. No. No, I'll do it out there. Tell him that. No. No, I'll do it out there. Get the text in there. Not even doing it in here. He's not waiting for this to be off. You've just got one joke that is too rough for the internet. Yeah.

That does not shock me. This man, my joke is abhorrent. Oh, no, it's all going to be me. No, let me say it. We can't. all right um tell you what we've got we've got a new feature oh following on from last week when we asked people to send in their celebrity encounters we had i think it's genuinely been the biggest response we've ever had to a a call out so are they good though? Or is it just people going, oh, I think I've seen fucking Louis Theroux in Morrison's once.

I've picked some of them. Some of them have been that. I can read one that is just like that if you want. Let's just give this fucking feature a try. So we need the jingles. It's like a baby turtle on the beach. Let's not pick it to fucking bits just yet. Good analogy.

Do you know when you see him? No, it's a good analogy. Where me and Adam see baby turtles. I've heard it millions of times throughout the years. Go on. Good analogy. Do you know when you see him? No, it's a good analogy. Where me and Adam see baby turtles. I've heard it millions of times throughout the years. Let's look after this. It's like a baby turtle

on the beach. It just needs to get to the sea without this fucking raven. What birds eat them? Ravens. Yeah, ravens. We need a jongler. Come on, everyone.

Stop fucking around. We need to get this turtle to the sea. That's the jingle. That famous phrase. On nature documentaries. Yeah, that is a famous thing. When they come out of the-

Yeah, and they've got to make it there across the road and stuff. But these vultures around here. What is it? Better be fucking good. We need the jingle though. Right, who wants to do the jingle? Dan, you've done one for ages.

Do you want to scoff a little jingle? I think we're calling it Celebrity Encounters. Celebrities, celebrities, did you meet them? Were they weird cunts? There you go. So by next week that will have been made a song by someone. Please make that

in what style? I think that should be like made a song by someone. Please make that. What style? I think that should be like rhythm and blues. Adam Bates, I could say. All right, cool. Okay. Right, so I'll read one that's the kind of thing you're thinking it's going to be, but it's not.

We've sifted them out. So Will Prince said, I saw Bolton winger Chung Yong Lee at a Hollywood ball. That's his one. That's his one. That's not an encounter, is it? One turtle dead. That's not an encounter, it one turtle dead that's not an encounter even i even i've got also i'm not being funny or racist but this is a bit racist i'm not gonna say there is not a chance in hell that if this is a white man writing in

that he is a thousand percent sure that that was the asian man he thought it was. Yeah. Like, there's... Yeah, there's kit on that. If he was on a million pound drop, he's not putting all one million pound. He would be spreading that dough. And that is a fact. And that's an analogy, right? We're not even sure that that Bolton winger

wasn't in Adam's wardrobe, was it? But he conned that one in. Right, so we've got four that I think are quite good. So we'll start with Liam Mullen. I met Coolio in Kiel Services while having a slash. That's a bar. He came in the bathroom while a pal and I were... Now this is what we're talking about. Coolio was wanking at Kiel's services.

He came in the bathroom while a pal and I were mid-pissed. Two absolute unit bodyguards came in first, and then between them, Coolio with his mad hair, he ignored all urinal etiquette and went for the one spare in the middle of us, looked at both of us, said, was up, not liking the Budweiser advert, pissed, shook off the excess, and fucked off out.

Coolio's got a weapon as well. Rest in peace, Coolio, as well. He died at Kiel services. He came too much. The thing with Coolio is, though, I respect the story, and I like it, right? But this isn't even the best Coolio celebrity encounter, because that one was when he performed at Preston Uni,

and then went to a student house. The next night, one of the students came home from being at uni all day, and Coolio was just making fucking reggae reggae sauce in the kitchen. And everyone was like, what's going on here? And he was like, I've been slotting your house money for the past 24 hours, and I'm staying for a week.

And he just sang Gangster's Paradise every day for a week, fucking bumming his birds head off. And that's better than pissing. It's quite paraphrased, that. The regular reggae source and the he sang Gangster's Paradise every day might have been added to the story. Slightly embarrassed.

He came home when he was cooking. Koolio was in their student house cooking. She was like, why is Koolio in the kitchen? And she was like, I've been sucking him off. Don't make a big deal of it. I've noshed off Koolio. Eh, deal of it. I've noshed off Coolio. A-R, A-R-R-R. Imagine that.

Hey! What's up? Why is Coolio in the kitchen? I've been sucking them off. Oh, like... Oh, OK, then. Imagine if they just went, Hey!

Why is Coolio in the kitchen? Mind your own business! You nosy cunt! If I came home and Coolio was in the kitchen, man... What, to your house? I think you've got some questions for Serica at that point. Yeah, I've been so good at math. Why is the ghost of Coolio making reggae reggae? Oh, he's dead, isn't he?

Loads of questions. If the corpse of Coolio was in my kitchen, I'd ask. I'd ask at loads of questions. If the corpse of Coolio was in my kitchen, I'd ask. I'd ask at least three questions. It's only the second weirdest fucking ghost story of it. And a tankard as well. Geese spitting a bomb star light. They're burning. I'm brewing a tankard.

Right, next one from Hannah C. This is a short and sweet one. She loves it. She loves the liquor there. That's weird. Have you read this? a short and sweet one. Oh, she loves it. She loves to lick it. That's weird. Have you read this? Loves her brandy. Oh, right.

Oh, I thought you were saying a different kind of thing. You'll understand. So this is, I met Christopher Eccleston at Clitheroe Castle when I was a kid. Can I just say, all these stories are funny for the detail of where it is. Keele Services.

Who's Christopher Eccleston? Is he? Doctor Who. Doctor Who, after David Tennant. No, before David Tennant. He's the Mancunian you want. He's been in lots of stories. Before David Christopher Eccleston? It's him. Doctor Who. Doctor Who after David Tennant. No, before David Tennant. He's the Mancunian one. He's been in lots of stories. Before David Tennant, was he?

Yeah, he's the ninth one. Has Clithero got a castle? I met Christopher Eccleston at Clithero Castle when I was a kid and he asked to lick my sister's Mr. Whippy. No, he didn't. That's a euphemism. I don't know.

There's no way Doctor Who's walking around Clitheroe saying to children, giz a bit of your ice cream there, girl. That's all I'm- No, I'm not having it. Not having it. The thing is, if I was famous, I'd be doing shit like that, like Bill Murray.

Yeah, no one, yeah. Let me finger your ass, girl, and no one will believe it. Yeah. I think famously the Me Too movement have dealt with a lot of that are you joking christopher ackleston's a good guy believe children as long as as long as this is these accusations of course hang on he will just post pictures the royals and just be like fuck these lizards yeah great yeah asking to lick an ice cream it sounds horrific but on the technicality

you haven't done anything illegal. It sounds nonsense. What would you do if Doctor Who walked past? It's not illegal to say to a child, come back to my van, it's got puppies in it. That's not illegal. It's bumming them when you get them in it, isn't it? Yeah, that's right. Dan, imagine you were a clear-throated old cat.

No, that's right. It is right. But if you go, can I have a lick of that lollipop? You're not like, right, cool. He's a paedophile, 10 years. Do you know when Laura tells you to guard Etta from all these paedophiles who are swimming? No, she's never done that.

But yeah, I do know what you mean. I absolutely know what you mean. She's never like, right, there's a swimming lesson. Have you got your mitts on? Have you got your paedo mitts on? Let's go paedo catch you. This is what she's talking about. Yeah, yeah.

When there's fucking Christopher Eccleston swimming up to Etta going, gives a bit of the ice cream there. You're meant to be going, Chris, out the pool. No, 100%. She said that before. Put your yo-yo down in concentration.

She said, I'm not to let a Doctor Who give Etta swimming lessons. She said that a few times. She's insane, of course. If Doctor Who jumps in the pool, Dan,

what do you do? Get him out. Get a towel, catch a paedophile and finish the ice cream. Cool. Right, next one.

This is from Tom Lavacombe. I once met Brian Blessed at a charity function. ice cream. Right, next one. This is from Tom Lavacom. I once met Brian Blessed at a charity function. When I shook his hand, he said, wow, you have big hands. It must be useful having such big hands. I laughed awkwardly and said, aha, you could say they come in handy.

He didn't even crack a smile and just walked off. Is he gay? Brian Blessed? Yeah. No, i don't think so just nice i i i would guess yes he's flaming nice i thought he mutually he's a flaming nice guy he's dead nice but he was definitely making a finger and joking yeah and uh wanking now um I reckon every meeting with Brian Blessed is a bit mental because he just

I said when we were talking about it on Wednesday about celebrities who you'd think would be good value for money he is one of them, he would be exactly what you want him to be I think after a while you'll have to go, do you know what I'm going to get off I'll be like Brian shhh what are you doing

we're in the cinema you daft cunt I can't hear fucking Inception re-released yeah re-released yeah

right a bit much isn't he we've got one more from Matt Holden then we've got one from the news this is I met Dan Stevens

brackets he was apparently in downtown he's put downtown Abbey and the Beast. Downtown Abbey. That's a totally different show. Welcome to downtown Abbey, motherfucker. And the Beast in the live action Beauty and the Beast.

I was in the BFI. What's he called? Dan Stevens. Dan Stevens. You'd know him. He's in that Eurovision film. I don't know if you've watched that a couple of years ago. I've got a jar of glue.

Who is he? Oh, yeah, yeah. He's the good looking one he's the young good looking one from downtown Abbey yeah downtown Abbey I was in the BFI studio in London

on a school trip you could always go downtown he came over to me and said can you stop looking at me I'm just having a meal with my family

and I had to say to him I'm sorry I genuinely don't know who you are I was reading today's specials on the board just behind you. Nice. So he's come over and been like,

I'd have to blow my own head off there and then. If you were here, yeah, on the spot. Have you ever had that? Have any of you ever thought someone was coming up to you? Oh, well, I had a girl in Pop World ask me for a photograph. And I was like, oh, so where have you seen me? And she was like oh you just look like that guy from the i'm waiting for a may video nailed it someone did it in the cinema

last time i was there i had me me wolf fleece on with a blue and white one and this group just kept staring at me and i was like okay and this girl walked over and i prepared for the picture and she went i love your jacket where's it from told him, I was like, like ego kicked to the curb massively. I was in London on Saturday night and went to Top Secret after I was finished at the store and I hadn't been on the show that had just finished at Top Secret, but Elliot Steele had,

and I was stood with him when he was talking to a couple of people who'd been to the show. And this lad was Scouse. And I was like, you're Scouse? And he went, oh my God, fucking Paul Smith, aren't you? And I went, yeah, I am, yeah.

And he went, my brother texted me earlier saying, going to the comedy club tonight, you're not going to see that Paul Smith, are you? And I was like, no, I'm not seeing Paul Smith. I've just got some randomers on, but I can't believe you're here, Paul. Can I get a picture with you and send it to my brother? He's like your biggest fan, you know?

And I was like, yeah, you can, yeah. So I took a picture with him and said nothing else nice uh so we've got one more but this is this hasn't been sent in i just saw this on on twitter yesterday have you seen the story about hulk hogan seen a couple no the story recently so recently uh i think it might have even been yesterday there some a teenage girl had a car crash. Her car flipped. And then Hulk Hogan was just passing by and happened to be the one to help her out of the wreckage. What did he do then? I just want to imagine that situation.

That is so much harder to believe than there was a ghost in my bedroom last night. Yeah. Like, that sounds like she's got a head injury and just some fellow in a mosey's pulled it out of a burning car and she's telling everyone it was Hulk Hogan. But he was-

It is Hulk Hogan, there's pictures of him. So he's gonna, all right, brother, I'll help you out. I don't really know how he talks. It's a great Hulk Hogan. Hey, brother! Yeah, that. What's happening, brother? He's older now though.

Just like a pussy. He's just lost his voice. You always get them mixed up. Hang on, that was actually actually it's not Hulk Hogan it's definitely not Hulk Hogan oh god we've done that at least three times on this podcast

the old Fashakabusi it sounds like a spell Fashakabusi it sounds like a spell Fashakabusi which black wizard do you know Fashakabusi what happens Harry Potter and the reggae reggae housemate

Fashakabusi I'm going to be a professor of the dark arts you know what I'm saying And the reggae reggae housemate. Fascia Kabooski. I'm gonna be a professor of the dark arts. You know what I'm saying? Fascia Kabooski. What does that do? Make a bunda big. Kip Schwimmer the pickaxe. right bellatrix hit him with a fush like a booty

hattie that's a porno just a massive cock your father had a big cock as well That's a porno, isn't it? He just had shag in the back. Just a massive cock. Your father had a big cock as well when he did a fashakabusi. It's majestic. Right, if you've had any funny celebrity encounters, send them in to haveawoodpod at gmail.com.

We might read some more next week. We've got a couple of confessions. Confessions. Confessions. Confessions. pod at gmail.com we might read some more next week we've got a couple of confessions oh it's a sneaky one I'm going I'm going to go and take pills and go dancing Oh, it's a sneaky one. I'm going to go and take pills and go dancing. It's very rare that a... This year. When is it going to happen? Jungle?

Oh, we're going to see Jungle? It's very rare that a remix far surpasses the original. I can't remember who sent this remix in, but... They've nailed it. I keep getting invited clubbing by patrons and lids. I haven't said yes yet, but... Don't say yes. Why?

You don't know who they are. You don't know who anyone is when you're clubbing. Harry told me a story the other day when we went out for lunch. Harry accepted a lift off a fan. Right. There's nothing wrong with that. It depends on the circumstances can you

could you have battered them he had a guitar so he probably could have battered me but he's lovely his name was Marl

it's not about the 99% though Harry 99.9% of all of our fans are lovely people but there's some you don't want that

0.1% psychopath well I was sat across from him on the train and he'd said he'd seen my documentary. I was like, ah, that's cool. And then he was like- That's all it took.

Yeah, then he was like, do you want to lift home? And I was like- You're already on the train. Get off, get off. I'll rent a car, I'll get us home. Because I got off at Ormsgate Station, he was like, yeah, I'll take you home. That's actually cool.

Yeah, it was lovely. But I'd have to know, I could fucking annihilate them in a fight before I got in the car. He did touch like, yeah, I'll take you home. That's actually cool. But I'd have to know I could fucking annihilate them in a fight before they got in the car. He did touch my thigh a little bit on the way home. No, he didn't. I was trying to be funny. Oh, good, good, good.

I don't think I was... I was so bleak. Trying to be funny. No, he didn't. No, I was trying to be funny, but I didn't. He's the last one in. He's not going to get murdered. Possible. Or are they going to work their way up?

Yeah. If anything, if I got murdered, it'd probably take the longest to realise. Like, if you got murdered and we came in on the Wednesday and you weren't here and you were dead, everyone would be like, oh. Harry, we'd know you weren't here. Yeah.

Like, where's Hadi? Yeah. I'm dead outside. I've been murdered. Oh, shit. Is everything all right, Harry? What happened on that lift? Started thinking about death.

Right. Confession. Hi, lads. I've got a confession that I don't think I'll ever be able to live down. Basically, after recently leaving

a long-term relationship, I've started speaking to this girl. Absolute stunner and way out of my league. We started on Instagram and moved over to WhatsApp, organized to go for a meal at this posh restaurant in town. Things were going unbelievable, and after the main course, I excused myself and went to the toilet.

Lads, I did the longest, fattest shit. It looked like it should have been locked in the Chamber of Secrets. Naturally... Naturally... Naturally, I took a photo to send into the lads group chat I clicked send send and then went pale

as I realised I'd sent a photo of my monstrous jobby to the girl who was waiting for me back at the table I panicked flushed away the evidence and bolted out of the restaurant back at the table. I panicked, flushed away the evidence and bolted out of the restaurant. Leaving my coat

and for her to pay the bill. Oh no! I've since blocked her. What does she think? I've since blocked her on all social media and haven't spoken to her since. Do I deserve penance?

It's like, it's wallet. It's driving license. It's keys. I don't give a shit. Do you know how bad she thinks that date went? Do you know the insecurities she's given this girl with the rest? She was sat there texting, like, the second he's gone to the toilet,

she's picked her phone up and gone, yeah, no, we're having a really nice time. It's actually really funny and interesting. It's really funny and interesting. He's gone to the toilet. Yeah, no, he's been a little bit longer than I thought. To be honest with you. Yeah, hang on. You should send me a picture of you.

And then, after the picture's sent, you see him get off. Running. I love it that he's like, there is nothing to do here. I've just got to leave. I might have to leave the country. Mum, get my passport out.

I'll be home for about 15 minutes. You won't be seeing me for four years. Oh, my God. The shame. Do you know what? If he'd have gone back and he'd have been like, so I took a picture of my shit to send to the lads and I sent it to you by accident.

She was like, you fucking bellend. And she's laughing. You've literally got the perfect woman and if she goes oh that's gross she's like ah well he's bolted so soon

she might have been sad with it he's made it look like something it wasn't it looks like a darning dash we should throw a shit in there

as well for no reason get on that you rat for no reason so sly I'm expecting her to write in next week

no I was on a date with a lad he sent me a picture of the poo and then I seen him running out the restaurant I've still got his coat

I think his penance should be to pay for a woman's dinner no I honestly to just go into a random restaurant and if you see a woman you can't go up to her

and go I'm paying for your dinner also watch your whatsapp because I've got a picture to and if you see a woman, you can't go up to her and go, I'm paying for your dinner. Also, watch your WhatsApp because I've got a picture to send you. You think it was funny? Good. You want a wife? Husband? Sorry. You know he's made the wrong decision, but you can kind of see,

you can understand the panic and logic. What lonely lesbian cafe? Do you want a wife? Which one of these are the lonely lesbians? Do you want me to set you up with? Look at that for a shit. Look at that. I did that.

And I'm a man. Good choice. I know it's not a choice, but... I'm all over the road. Anyway, your dinner's paid for oh you've already paid fuck off

next table fashaka booty you fucking lesser it's what he'd say it's not what I'd say I love the lesbians fashaka

it just tends to be a wizard that moves off we've got it I think that's what my wife would do if she if she did a similar thing I don't know if she's taking pictures of a shit but she gets the social anxiety to the point where she would probably leave the coat leave and never block everyone after we met she was so drunk the night we met and i really liked her but she was a bit hammered and whatnot and i was like i'm gonna well i'll be in touch i uh messaged her on the monday i tried to do the social media thing first she deleted everything

through like just embarrassment and shame. Cause she was, she had such bad hangover. She'd been seen, yeah. Yeah, she was like, oh my God. Such a bald cunt. And I just turned up at her house. I turned up at her house. You can't delete your house.

Hiya. Remember me? I'm Saturday. Do you want a wife? What? And can I come in and do shit? So is this lad having any penance? You said pay for a meal.

I think he should pay for it. He's got to find a way to get the money back to that girl. Yeah, post it. Just put some cash to her letterbox. I think that one's gone. Put shit in her letterbox. No, you owe her money. Genuinely, in that situation,

I think I'd have just tried to own it. I'd have come back and just... Did you see that? No. I wouldn't even mention it until she did. She'd be like... Like... What?

You need a doctor. I'd have acted like a mentor. I'd have been like, what do you think? No, I wouldn't mention it until she did. I'd just sit down and be like... You know like when I send you something that's awful? Yeah, you need to wait. And I'd just go, you all right? Yeah. I'd do that. I'd come back and be like, you all right when I send you something that's awful. And I just go, you all right?

I do that, I come back here, you all right? We're getting started, I don't know what. And she'd be like, can you send me a big picture of your poo? And I'd be like, yeah. They could have just went, oh no, send it to the boys. Oh, I'm sorry. No, no, Adam's saying own it full on.

Be like, yeah, yeah, I did, yeah, yeah. Part of the package. Do you reckon? It's either to send pictures of it or to poo on you what would you prefer oh threaten her that's it like the picture

or I'll fashakabusi on your leg fashakabusi merch coming soon by the way just saying Matthew yes Matthew Potts has come up right

just the wand with fashakab music coming out of it. How would you pay for a woman's dinner? It's not an easy thing to do. You go in and just go up to a server and go, I'm doing a good deed. I'm paying it forward. I did it to a...

In Leicester, I did it to a Hindu. There was a Hindu who came in and went downstairs. What was his name? Harbhajan. Do you know what I did? I just had to go through cricketers names Excuse me That fella over there He's definitely a Hindu

Can I pay for this? I'm not paying for no Muslim meat Can I get him a shot? Did he drink? Yeah, yeah Can I get a mango lassi for a Muslim? I'm going to get one room Can I get a yazoo for a Jew? If I ever see a Jew, I'll give him a yazoo.

Fuck. Hey, will you give him some raki too? That might be a red, you know. What? Do you want the cards? That was good. What do you want? He's staying on now because I've lost my red card.

Red? Get out. Red! That's the VAR get out you're fucked Iraqi doesn't you can't use the same rhyme

for the same thing can you sorry it doesn't work it's not as funny if you give a Iraqi to an Iraqi that's not as funny

well done there you go your teammates got you down to the yellow there right we've got another date based confession. Wag wag lids, anonymous confession, recently.

Are we? Did you choke? I don't know, are you all right? So stupid. That's so funny. I don't even know how we got there. Yeah, because you said end, dude. I never want to not do this. All right, you ready for the next one?

No. No? Yeah. Wag Wag Lids, anonymous confession. Recently, I matched with a girl on Tinder, organized a date,

and I picked her up. We're driving there, and she's talking about herself and what she does for work and that she works at a certain sports brand company. Adam's gone now. It's just the way it's weird

I gave her a lift and she fucking won't shut up about it she's fucking yapping on about it she harboured her life and I'm just

sat there going do you not want to know about me the more comfortable she gets the more she's talking utter shite and gloats about

taking the piss out of a girl who works with her. She went all in thinking I thought she was doing something good. Anyways, the more she was saying, I remembered my sister also worked at the same company doing the same sort of thing. More clues she gave away to who this girl was, and she dropped my sister's name. So by this point, we're at the bar. I'm seething, but I don't say it was my sister. I rack up a bar tub, bar tab,

and order random shit to the table and do a bunk. Left her 45 minutes drive from her house. Am I a cunt or am I absolved of these sins? Oh, dear. You're in absolute gob shape. That's bad news, that. You don't think anything he did was justified?

If she's bullying his sister uh i've got to be honest yeah i think i stopped listening in the middle and missed that bit that makes sense she was being nasty i mean yeah she sounds like she sounds like a gobshite and if she thinks your sister's a twat and you actually think your sister's great you've got every right to be like hey do you know that's my sister and you sound like the comfort slag in a row just i don't know why you can't just do right to be like, hey, do you know what? It's my sister, and you sound like the cunt for slagging her off. I don't know why you can't just do that and be like, right.

I'll be a fucking pussy and be like, are you talking about our libby there? I'll punch your head in. Let's get a big bar tub going on. Get a big bar tub? Yeah, you did. I was expecting people to jump on it. I even left the gap. I don't know, leaving a girl with money to spend and to get home on her own. I know she sounds like a dickhead, but you're leaving

a young woman 45 minutes from her house. I know she sounds like a dickhead, but you're leaving her. She works for a young woman, 45 minutes from her house. He's been very secretive, hasn't he? No details. It's Serena Williams. You think you would describe Serena Williams? If you were Serena Williams, you'd go, I went on a date with a girl who works for a sportswear brand.

You wouldn't go, I went on a date with a tennis player. No. No. I went on a date with a girl who worked No. I went on a date with a girl who worked for Nike. It's a cool job, innit? Working for Nike. That's what your job is. In the sweatshops, it isn't. She doesn't work in the sweatshops, no.

That's why he doesn't see any girls from Manila anymore. He's made a rule of that. No more sweatshop bags. She listens to this, bags. She works at a... She listens to this, actually. She works at the one in... She works at the headquarters in Holland. Under Holland, Amsterdam headquarters of

Nike. Oh, I know who you're talking about. Does she? She does. Sure. She's cool. She's really nice. Adam, I love your comedy. And I work for Nike. She's a nice girl. Yeah. But she lives in another country. She's a high-pitched man. It limited the possibilities, you know.

It's in darkness, is it? I lie. Limited the possibilities, you know. So, yeah. But she's nice. Nice. Adidas cool, you know. No.

Girl works for Reebok. I'm all right with that. Not even 50% as cool as Nike. No, if a girl told me she worked for Adidas I'd be like fuck off might as well be goal a girl

get out of my DMs No Come on No Adidas Come on lads No Adidas is cool

Whoa Not even close Stinks of Newton the Willows Oh mate I've got a very attractive Dutch lady who's like I work for It goes though Harry

I love We ignore it on you Because we like it enough I. It's so weird. Because we like it enough. I've got a hook up in the footy boot department in Adidas, which is good. But aside from that. Oh, where?

Where are they, Newton Lee Willows? It's one of those weird, like, it's one of those weird things that, like, the brand of girl wears. Like, obviously, like, being, like, flashy brand, like, someone wearing, like, Gucci or Versace is just an instant ick for me. Yeah. Like, big, like, big went Gucci or Versace is just an instant ick for me.

Big logo. Dior. Ralph Lauren. What? Ralph Lauren. Ralph Lauren. They're the sweatshop ones. What's wrong with Ralph Lauren?

Don't like it. Okay. I wouldn't be into it. I wouldn't mind that. Nike's good. Yeah. I think that seems like a fun Nike wouldn't mind that. Nike's good. Yeah. I think that seems like a fun Nike rig. Not a fun Nike rig,

but like some gym stuff. Shim pads. Gym shark sound. Monterex? No. Two skulls. That's like, I bet you the girl who wears Monterex is dead sound,

but she also, she like poofy. She'd punch your head in. Is she? Yeah. She won a wife. Gail's wearing Monterex, muffed her. Pay for her dinner.

Fuck. She won a wife? Do you want a wife? I already got one. Andrama, cool. Andrama's cool. Puma? I'm not against that.

I'm not. Have you seen Dua Lipa doing the Puma stuff? No, I've never. Why is that video six hours long, by the way? Which one? The one he hasn't seen. What about Dua Lipa? Because the cameraman was in a trance. No, the joke is I've never. Why is that video six hours long, by the way? Which one? The one he hasn't seen. What about Julie? Because the cameraman was in a trance.

No, the joke is I watched it for six hours. Oh, sorry. It's like 30 seconds long. Oh. It's a joke. Yeah, puma sound. I tried to joke on your joke. Especially because it's a cat in it.

I apologise. Like puma, cat, pussy. Sondico. Don't call me that. What did you just say? Sondico. Sondico. We let them off at that. What did you just say? Sondico Don't call me that What did you just say? Sondico Sondico What did you just say?

Sondico Sondico I thought it was Sondico It is Sondico innit? Yeah Well we've all At least a third of us Has been saying this wrong

At all times Sondico That's all we know I think I overthought it I think I'd probably say Sondico I'd normally say Sondico You do? I'm very surprised you said Sandico.

What about Hummel? An umbrew? He's changing the letters. Your ma can't wear umbrew. No one can wear umbrew. She can't, no. This is me beard. Ignore that umbrew top.

Why would you say that? That's mean, isn't it? This is me beard. Ignore that umbrew top. If I introduced you to a bird for the first time, if I started seeing a girl and she wore Umbro, I'd text you. I'd keep that hidden from you as long as possible.

How old is she? What? How old is she wearing Umbro? She sounds young, Umbro. A girl wearing Umbro sounds like she's young. Umbro's a student, you know, innit? Oh, is it? Yeah.

I kind of like that. Sounds like you're going to be a doctor. Yeah, but you're a student. I know you're not. I'm not a student. But you are. You're a student of the Goths. like you're going to be adopted. Yeah, but you're a student. I know you're not. I'm not a student. But you are. You're a student of the Goths. If you're going to wear...

Can I just say, I think Adidas has got a really bad fucking rap from this conversation. That's because you're from Newton and the Willows. Hell yeah, shit yeah. Some of the original stuff is nice. No, that's the most Newton and the Willows. No, it's not. Some of it is nice. You fucked it there, Finn.

No. Honestly, it's... And you're from Newton and Le Willows. No, it's not. Some of it is nice. You fucked it there, Finn. No. Honestly, it's... And you're from Newton Le Willows as well? I am. You're both. He is. Welcome to the Scouse rules that are never written down, but every Scouser knows.

Oh, my God, you're so not Scouse. Adidas. It's available in all these shops in Liverpool. You know why it's available? Because Newton Le Willows come shopping in Liverpool. That is such a fucking fact. That is a fact. I tell you what, when we go out for lunch

after this section's done, you point out to me every single person wearing Adidas and I will go over to them and I will film me asking them a question and you can hear whether they've got a Scouse accent or not. That's going to be a mad lunch. Do you know how many wall towns? We're going to Liverpool shopping.

We're going to get some churrios. We're going to get our new Adidas Originals jumpers. All facts. Obviously, if you're a Scouse, you know this. Purple bins, biscuits never get passed around. You never pass around a biscuit in Adidas, you fucking wall.

Do you know what? Take your blue ribbon back to Newton and Willow. I'm not even saying Adidas and Adidas Originals don't do nice stuff. I'm just saying I know the second I see someone in here that the chances are they're not Scouse and the chances are they're from Newton and Willow or another one.

Lee Green. You know like that Patrice bit? Do you know like that Patrice bit where he says... If you wear Adidas, you have to leave. Lee Green. You know like that Patrice bit? Do you know like that Patrice bit where he says... If you wear Adidas, you have to leave. Get out. You know like that Patrice bit where he goes, like people from, now I'm going to say China, but I don't mean China.

I just mean countries the Chinese people come from, which is racist, but also very funny. It's a great Patrice O'Neill joke. I'm saying Newton and the Willows, but I don't mean Newton and the Willows. I just mean places where people from Newton and the Willows come from. Have you seen Patrice O'Neill's bit about Newton and the Willows? That's one of his best bits.

Newton and the Willows. Lee Green. Ellesmere Port. Yeah. They all stink. Port Sunlight. Need I continue? St. Helens.

As far as Preston, really. We get it. We get it. Yeah, yeah. Fucking Adidas. Movable biscuits. Not wrong it. Yeah, yeah. Fucking Adidas. Movable biscuits. Not wrong with it, but I would never wish. What?

It's Adidas. It's not Nike. It's named after Adidas. It is. Adidas. So this guy's left a girl 45 minutes from her house. He should start taking women home 45 minutes from the house. If they're just walking down the road, grab them,

put them in your car and drive them home. Even if it's not 45 minutes away. Even if they're wearing, you know, Monterex and they're lesbians. Get in here and I'll be your wife. Say that. Oh, that, what good timing. Are you hungry, Dan? Are you a hungry boy?

You've got a rolled one today. This is good. Oh, by the way, if he doesn't eat this, I'm eating it. We're splitting it. By the way, we should have headlined with fish and chips last week. It's the best it's ever going to be. We're never matching it. So, Dan.

Introduce Dan. I'm feeding this cunt. Dan versus food plus Adam's lunch. So, Adam, Dan. I need to taste it for you and let you know whether it's nice. Your opinion doesn't matter. Just introduce it. Okay.

Least favourite fucking feature. No, it's not. It's just a fish last week. Welcome to the real world, you fucking homo sap feature. No, it's not. It's just a fish that's been brought into the real world. You fucking homo sapien. Sorry, everyone. That jingle's too loud on the board. Okay.

Matthew, can we turn that jingle down? It's absolutely overbearing. Regular the view. Regular the view. Regular the view. Regular the view. Give us a second, I'm about to say it. This is Julio's Reggae Reggae.

Smells great. Stop it! What are you looking at it for? That's what the hidden thing is for. The cloche. You big fucking dickhead. Introduce her. Sit back there now and pretend you don't know.

Dan, it's fucking... Hurry up. Right. Regular viewers know this part of the show. Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Dan versus food. This is Dan Nightingale. I host a podcast with him. He's a 42-year-old man with food phobias.

There's a lot of foods he hasn't tried, and we make him try one or two of them every week for your view and pleasure, and he decides whether they're edible, whether he likes them, or whether he hates them, like he always thought he did. This week, we've got a couple of things for him first of all we've got hot and sour soup from the big bowl noodle bar in liverpool the best hot or sour soup i've had anywhere in the world it's one of my favorite things and we've also got him a lovely

foo young that's lovely you know what foo young is foo young's like a cheese-based. I know it looks a bit mad, but it's basically just a big load of cheese with bean sprouts in. Oh, bean sprouts. Bean sprouts. Oh, it's not welcome.

Oh, cool. It's bean sprouts. Why are you scared? It's just cheese. Shut up. I'll show you. Shut up, everyone. Should we have him have the soup first?

Adam versus food. he wins again. He's 72 and oh, he loves everything. Wait, wait, wait. No, he's going for it. Ease yourself in with the soup. No, let him go for it. You should try the soup first, because you'll like the soup.

All right. And that's going to make you sick. The soup's gorgeous, by the way. Like it doesn't get better than that. It will be hot. Hot and sour soup. I've only ever had tomato soup. It was like the worst bit of a pizza

without all the good bits. This is delicious. We did have a soup week. Low on it. You had all the soups once. It's fine, it's not hot enough to need to burn it. I don't care, I've literally blocked that out. That was so bad. Don't put that in there. It's been in your mouth not hot enough to need to blow on it. I don't care, I've literally blocked that out. That was so bad.

Don't put that in there, it's been in your mouth now. I'm gonna have that. That's good, isn't it? That's good? I mean, is that nice, is it? Yeah. No, you've done this. Fish and chips went so well.

If you've not seen the fish and chips one, everyone, go back and watch that. Joyous, joyous. Beans sprouts. With cheese. Oh, with cheese, good. I can't just put it on toast like normal people. Beans got to be on toast.

It's like a dodgy omelette. Yes, egg in it. That is an omelette. There's no cheese in that. Is there not? No, it's just loads of egg. No, you still like it. Is it really?

No, it's cheese and beansprouts. It's eggs and beansprouts. No, it is eggs. It's a lot of eggs. That proves it's in your head, because you didn't mind it. You were enjoying yourself there. It's a lot of eggs. That proves it's in your head, because you didn't mind it. You were enjoying yourself there. It's fine. There you go.

You like eggs? Just an omelette. Cool. Is this Chinese? Yeah. Is it New England Willows? No, it's Chinese. Right.

I'm not into it. No? What are you rating the hot and sour soup? That's not very nice, is it? You're lying. That's the best hot and sour soup on planet Earth. Yeah. It's not a big bowl. It's very liquidy.

Soup, innit? Yeah. It'd be weird if it was a solid. Soup does get a bit liquidy. And that's like a continental omelette, but more continental. The other continents. It's just scrambled eggs.

Three out of ten. Two out of ten two out of ten enjoy your lunch kid nice one kid don't like it what did you think what did you feel when you thought it was just cheese i the taste it's okay it's all right so you don't mind eggs then i just think i'm allergic you must have had an omelette at some point then if you knew it was an omelette taste oh Oh yeah. Yeah, I've tried omelet. Not a fan. It's like that, I didn't like it.

Okay. God, fish and chips was good, wasn't it? Have you had it since? No. We knew if we told you it was eggs that you wouldn't eat it. Oh, thanks. I'm versus food.

Eggs, fish and chips was so good. It's not, I get- It's not nice. Can you have another bit? No, please. I don't like it. I'm going to go and smash a Nando's like a fucking 17 year old. Food time. Love you all. See you in a bit. Wayne Lineker

followed me earlier, but we'll get on to that in a bit because Liam with Nailsy. You look a bit like Wayne Lineker. Is that how we're starting? You look like Wayne Lineker, one of the most reprehensible people online. You just look a bit like Wayne Lineker. Why is Wayne Lineker doing?

What? He has sex with people he shouldn't. People he shouldn't? I've heard a rumour from someone who knows. Other people's husbands. I've actually retracted it. What do you mean? I can't say it.

Yeah, this is murky waters. Oh, really? Is this a video? Oh, no, it's not underage. Not underage? Oh, well, good. Well, in that case, I'm underage. Yeah.

Oh, I see what you mean. Right. Right. Welcome to the show, everybody. Good follow, that, innit? It is, yeah yeah glad you've got him yeah really good and you said mr jam followed you recently mr jam joe mr jam is no uh is is he a capital radio dj yeah he is i know him from his radio one extra days i think yeah because i was big into my one extra i mentioned that i used to be his hype man and carl doesn't remember it and i said i've got a picture to prove it and And I'm just really bothered that I'm having to sort of justify this.

But I can prove. Oh, I thought it was that one. What do you mean? You thought it was General Levy? Yeah. Oh, there's my picture. There I am. Can I guess?

Huddersfield University? No, no, no. On his tour? Oh, yeah. He did a 12-mile tour with Mr. Jam last Huddersfield University? No, no, no. On his tour. Oh, yeah. He did a 12-mile tour with Mr. Jam last year. No. Yeah. What uni gig was it?

It wasn't a uni gig. Me and Mr. Jam were on tour together and it bothered me that he doesn't remember it. No. When you say Hype Man, what does that entail? I'd have to go on because obviously he's a DJ, but he wouldn't speak. He'd have to go on and just be like,

he's great. Get ready because he's dead good. No, no, you're not taking it seriously. He's a lovely lad. He's dead kind to animals. He's got a premium Spotify. No adverts tonight, ladies and gentlemen. And he's got two subscriptions so that he can mix them.

Clever. That's the future of DJing, isn't it? And this was recently? This was, ah, You're talking like... Last September? 2013. So since you've been a successful stand-up comedian, you accepted this job?

I was a clubbing comer. Oh, yeah. Okay. Where did you play, Adam? Where did you play? This is an episode of What I Lighted. Where did you... The Hawthorns was one, I think.

No. It's a stadium. He's a humble butt DJ car. He's a butt DJ? He's gay. Lancaster. We did Lancaster. Yeah.

Oh, we did do a university gig. We did do a Huddersfield uni gig. Oh. Yeah. On the tour? Yeah. Nothing to do with Freshers' Week? It was Freshers' Week, yeah, but it was on the tour. Oh, right, right, right. We did Lancaster, Huddersfield uni gig. Oh. Yeah. On the tour. Yeah. Nothing to do with Freshers' Week. It was Freshers' Week, yeah, but it was on the tour.

Oh, right, right, right. We had Lancaster, Huddersfield, Leeds, Durham, Cambridge, Oxford, Aberystwyth. Harvard. Yale. Quite a travel, that. University of Wigan. Syracuse.

Syracuse. Yes. Notre Dame. Rochdale Poly. London School of Economics. And your Mars Biff. Yeah, it was fun. And it bothers me that he doesn't remember.

What would you do? So pretend Liam is Mr Jam because he loves the same. Well, I'm sat here with two of the best compers in the UK. Do you know what I mean? And they know what hype manning is. You know, when you bring in your comedians on and that. You're like, this guy, you know, he's been all over this guy you know this guy's one of my not just a great comic but am i good close personal friends yeah you hype up your comics when you

compare them i don't ever give anyone any indication about who's going on i do the opposite don't give them any indication not even their name no no i just point in a general direction and then wait for them to come out this can't get out of here you can't no i don't some comics want like their cv done that's american american eyes you'll see this guy on the jimmy fallon show if you watch the one particular episode he was on. It has also been clipped online. I don't know if you watch reels on Instagram. He has written. Robert White.

What? Robert White wants the opposite of that. He doesn't want you to mention anything he's done. Oh, yeah. Well, most British comedians don't. He says it as a point. He goes, please don't say I've done Britain's Got Talent. Please don't just literally.

I'm similar to that because I don't want to introduce Robert White white so that's where we we work well together wow that's a hype man right there do you do top secret in london yes so they they like that they like to introduce you like that yeah they like to hype to their crowd because their whole marketing thing is this is where the famous people come and do their shit so like when i like i was there at the weekend they text me and asked me to go down in between do me comedy slow sets and um like he's like this guy's been on live at the apollo and roast battle and he hosts have a word which is a really big podcast his name's adam rowe make a feel like they they deliberately do it with everyone including people who haven't really got anything to oh yeah yeah

mr jam is on yeah he's been on tour with mr jam he's still working in a warehouse at b&q but he's doing quite well please welcome he was working part-time during covid um in new york they list your credits even if there's like like they'll be like you know this guy's been on mtv and he hosts that and they'll tell the audience the name of your stuff and i think it's like a nod to say like you know if you like them go and listen to it rather than you'll know them from yeah but you should do it after the act's been on right because if you give them all those credits and then they come out and then they eat shit i think american audience is like oh cool man this is he's good i think in the uk if you do it

to the wrong crowd in the uk they'll just go who's this bollocks like do you think it's almost like almost i think a crowd would assume that you'd ask for it and that you were showing off yeah do you think it's easy to be a stand-up in america because they're all so enthusiastic and happy you know that there is less of a sort of like come on then funny man prove it to us yeah no there is that like it's the audiences over there i find are that they're different they're not the same they react differently but they are more willing to they'll tolerate a comic being shit for two minutes and won't have they won't the comic won't lose the audience completely you don't have that here no if you're bad for a couple of minutes over there an audience has gone nah me even 20 seconds if you if you

fuck up your opening line it's over yeah i did some gigs in reykjavik a few years ago and uh it was really the only acts who really go over to iceland are like big they get like ricky gervais john bishop and shit like that so they had this comedy festival and it was just like club comedy. And I was hosting and I found out they'd never really had like an MC before. Like someone just coming out, doing crowd work and chatting. Oh, you're doing magic. It was like they were watching David Copperfield

with the most bottom of the barrel comparing available. You're a plumber, what's your favorite part? That is also encompassed in watching David Copperfield he's poo he's poo me and Carl went to watch David Copperfield in December

in Vegas we travelled all the way there for it and it was it was quite a disappointment they would have rather been in Reykjavik hack magic is it

he has so obviously done his act for so long that he is so bored of his own words. Like he literally says the sentence in this exact cadence. He goes, I lost my dad when I was seven. I cried.

I was sad. That's how he says it. If the show should be called, there is a big thing. And it wasn't there before. That is what, see that? Not over there,

is there? Over there. Now there's a big thing there. You get that with the old Jungle Sack stuff as well, don't you? Who haven't changed their set for 20 years.

That's what David Copperfield is now. Yeah. He's, uh... He's sort of, though... Named. Do you know what, though? There's so few of those

still out in the wild that when you see one, I think it's gone full circle. You know, like, I kind of like it because most comics now go, oh, you've got to change stuff and do stuff and most comics now go oh you got to change your stuff and do stuff and put it online and yeah stuff's got to evolve when you work with the act you're

like oh this is one of the ones that they got to 1992 went you know what i've written a banging 20 minutes set and still doing material about points of view on bbc and i kind of like it i'm like oh wow it's like a rare breed now to be like, this is. You're shaking your head because you remember when you worked at Hot Water, there was like one every few days. And blue was so much worse for it. But like every week there was one or two of them on for you. Dead behind the eyes.

But they're all gone. Like I don't remember the last. I've got names in my head now that i haven't seen for years and also and also some of them adapted not and i'm not saying well but a lot of comics a lot of comics have gone okay cool i can't just do that i what i worked with a guy this is within the last year and i worked with a guy and i found myself smiling and it was because i was watching material that i had seen when i worked as a sound tech in the comedy club in newcastle and i was like this is sort of so shit it's magical i'm like i remember being in the sound desk going oh i'm so keen on everything watching

it going ah that's brilliant and here i am and I'm not joking, that is 23, 22, 23 years ago, watching the same bit. Well, there's the famous guy, I won't say his name. No, yeah, yeah, yeah. Erlingham. Maybe, he did, he had the material. It was about meeting his girlfriend's dad for the first time. Oh, no, no, no, he's Scouse. Yeah.

Like, we can, I think we can name him. I don't think, like. Yeah, okay. Sam of Lye. Yeah, yeah, it's he was doing the material so long about meeting his girlfriend's dad for the first time and in the end he just changed it to the first time he met his daughter's boyfriend yeah he became the dad in his own story do you know my favorite which is fucking kind of genius do you know my favorite thing about that do you know my favorite thing about that story though is there was a night where he changed that there was

a line in the sound where he was like that hasn't worked for a few weeks now what is going wrong and then someone was like you should be the dad and he's gone I'll try that and then it started working again he took the week off after that went

he took another 20 years off. He's an old school London comedy store original. He's one of the OGs. No disrespect. Karate teacher as well. It sounds like we're cutting him off. He's a karate teacher. Yeah, that's what he's ended up doing.

Be careful then. And a fucking, just a lovely dude. Karate teacher's as karate. Yeah. Quiet. a fucking just a lovely dude he teaches us karate yeah quiet listen as you mentioned me on your podcast I'm going to come to yours

and teach you a roundhouse kick yeah on a punch bag you should see the karate he did in his daughter's boyfriend do you know karate is Japanese

for empty hand is it yeah it's just a slap that's how you do this so you can see your hands there's no weapons Do you know karate is Japanese for empty hand? Is it? Yeah. It's just a slap. That's how you do this. So you can see your hands. There's no weapons.

Yeah. It means empty hand. There's no weapons. You never have a weapon in karate. Unless it's gun karate. Oh, gun karate. But you're not allowed to hold the gun with your hand. Yeah.

I mean, if you get shot with someone and he's pulled the trigger with his dick, you've got to, you know. And karaoke means empty orchestra. Kara's empty. All Japanese words. What have you been doing on your break? We just went to Nando's. Did you go to a library? Carl got me Word of the Day toilet paper.

Oh, nice. Japanese. I did get him a toilet seat, so. Dan, are you upset that we haven't mentioned the flat cap yet? No, I've started wearing it a bit more regularly. I genuinely didn't wear it to annoy anyone. I kind of like it. Liam, what do you think of Dan's flat cap?

Well, I'm from East End of London, so it's a classic look as far as I'm concerned. But you live in Scotland now. That's right. And you started stand-up in Scotland, because I remember comparing you when he was starting out. You must have started out at in Scotland now. That's right. And you started stand-up in Scotland because I remember comparing you when he was starting out. You must have started out

at a similar time. 2010? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I met Preston Frog. Yeah. Yeah. Beat the Frog.

Yeah, that would have been 2012, something like that. Yeah. Yeah. No deal. And I went to see your show at the Edinburgh Festival this year

and I loved it so much and couldn't stop telling people about year. And I loved it so much and couldn't stop telling people about it. And I think the main reason I loved it so much is I think I finally found someone who's got more stomach problems than me. I think that's what it was. Because like mine is so bad. Like me and Jack moved into a flat together this week.

And on the first night... Do you have an en suite? The first three poos in the house were all me. Yeah. I'm living in a house with two other men. And that felt bad. I'm always glad to speak to another fully paid up member at a bad bum club because...

We live different lives to most people. And when you explain... The thing is that I refuse to. So I just, I live the same life. No, but that's what I mean. But when you think is that i refuse to so i just i live the same life no but that's what i mean but when you explain your stomach problems to these normal freaks they look at you like you're an alien these once a day tourists what are your problems with your yeah give us the like like i'm comparing you all right pull up an ibs convention this next please why'd give to have IBS?

That's the baby shit that Adam's got, okay? Irritable bowel syndrome. I have inflammatory bowel disease. Adam's bowels are irritated. Mine are inflamed. We are not the same. He has a syndrome. Is it just that?

Have you got Crohn's? What have you got? It's called ulcerative colitis. It's very like Crohn's. They're sort of grouped together, Crohn's and and colitis how did you find out it was more serious than ibs well i kind of i remember me and you actually at the cardiff glee sitting in the office just sitting together just swimming through oceans of our own bloody shit no just um chatting about like how often we go for a shit yeah and uh

like how often we go for a shit. Yeah. And, uh, if anyone's good, that doesn't sound normal. It sounds totally normal. And not just for two people with these problems. Yeah.

I mean, it's just, it's a standard thing to ask someone, but I'm really like going, fuck, like, I actually don't really know how many times a day and the urgency as well. The fucking,

yeah, I need to go. But didn't you find out joining a London marathon? Well, that, so I kind of knew beforehand. There had been some... Just one second. Do you know when you edit this episode,

can you make sure that the camera cuts to you having a really good squint at Finn's screen before you ask that question? Like you were reading it off a placard. Leo, sometimes we try to be professional. It's almost like we're allergic to it. Every time we do something.

And didn't you do that during a London marathon? Where did you get the inspiration for your job? A sex robot? Oh, do you know what? I'll be a ship producer.

Liam, I couldn't give a fuck what you're going to say next week. Let's go to a break. I'd love to go on. London marathon, you fainted. Well, the clues had been there a long time do you know what i mean like that was when me and you had our bum chat that was um that was way before the marathon so there's been years and years of like just you just kind of see when you got ibs or i thought i had ibs you

just go well there's nothing i can do about it do you know i mean i'm just gonna i'm just a guy with a bad bum and that is life you know yeah everything sets it off just certain things or is it just on the regs well that was basically constant i guess it was slowly getting worse i had noticed as well like i'm married and i realized living with someone and like you know when you're with a partner you really get to know their their like bathroom schedule as well oh we check in literally yeah we we do little like plop updates sometimes man it's so not sexy i know you talk to your wife about pooing and you do no no no so here's the thing you just know their rhythm i don't i haven't got a clue i wouldn't know if seneca's ever had a poo in your entire life and that's why when i realized except for the ones on me because i realized i did not know when my missus pooed i just had no idea

and that luxury did not go the other way she knows before i'm going for a poo i'm going for because of the yelping i'll just stand up and she'll look at me and go are you going for a shit i'm like yes how could you possibly know that you can't have that attitude in your life i'm sorry that is i've had that before where i've been in a relationship and i used to love them they go oh you're going to toilet i'm like yeah because i need to shit don't don't look at me like i'm making a choice and going you know what i'm bored i'm just going to now especially when you do that though when it's 10 times a day as well. Like, you know, the disgust. That's brutal.

Have you pooed since you've been here? Well, no, things are doing, I'm doing okay at the moment. I'm on some pretty strong medication, although I did shart in the gym this morning. Doing okay in the moment. I'm doing okay at the moment, but I did shart at the gym this morning.

There's not many people on the planet who take that as i'm doing okay that's a good day that is the highlight or the low light of most people's decade by the way there's so many people on this planet who have you said to them in the worst moment of the last 10 years of your life they'd go i pooed in me pants at the gym but it's all context isn't it first off it wasn't like a full chat do you know what i mean i was i did a in me pants at the gym but it's all context isn't it first off it wasn't like a full chat do you know what i mean i was i did a what they're called the goblet squat which is dirty squat it's kind of dicing with danger in my condition anyway do you know what i mean you're

putting pressure on the wrong places absolutely and i did it i went down i went up and then i felt it it was just a little and i ran and cleaned up and then went back and finished my workout you can't you know what i mean listen if i stopped the fucking clock every time i sharted It was just a little, and I ran and cleaned up and then went back and finished my workout. Oh, nice. You can't, do you know what I mean? Listen, if I stopped the fucking clock every time I sharted, I wouldn't be getting very far in life. Do you know what I mean? It's a constant.

I have a bad, I have a bad. So what, is there anything you can do about it? Can you control it? Is it like a diet? I'm on pretty strong meds, which do mostly control it. Just the odd shart in the gym instant. But until this morning, I was shot free for about six months.

Wow. Do you get a little medal? Yeah. I have a calendar. Go to the meetings. My name's Liam. That'll be 30 days for token. I haven't shot in six months.

Good to be here. Thank you. Thank you. Have you got a Japanese toilet seat, Liam? I would love a Japanese. Have you been to Japan? Oh, you've lived there, haven't you? Well, me and Adam have got one and it changes the game. The Toto. Adam hasn't anymore, has he? Have you taken a Japanese toilet seat, Liam? I would love a Japanese. Have you been to Japan? Oh, you've lived there, haven't you? Well, me and Adam have got one,

and it changes the game. The Toto. Adam hasn't anymore, has he? Have you taken him with you? Oh, my God. Oh, I'm going to have to get that done, yeah. You've left your fucking £1,000 toilet seat. I forgot about that.

Yeah, you need the spa and a plumber. It's so good. Do you know what is underrated about the Japanese toilet experience is in Japan in the public toilets when they play the loud, like tropical the um in japan in the public toilets when they play oh unbelievable the loud like tropical bird sound in the loos so that you can fart away without it some seats have got that built in you can play music and sound so you're in a public toilet

you're like wow there's a bird in the cubicle next to me he fucking stinks um yeah i think that sounds nice it is good get one i'll just do that i've got a sonar speaker i'll start doing that i'll start doing that in motorway services don't forget that by the way ask alan neal boxer can we just go back to the london marathon what actually happened i'm I did the London Marathon 2021 and I shat myself. Paula Radcliffe, yeah? Did you win? You look a bit like Paula Radcliffe, actually. I did win.

I won the London Marathon, came first. No, I should, some context. I didn't actually shit myself during the London Marathon. I shat myself after the Londonon marathon uh six months after i uh no it was the same day i went for uh me and my wife went for pizza after and uh i'd felt pretty bad the whole day had been disaster because i didn't realize i was going through like a flare-up of this condition. So, like, I couldn't run for longer than 10 minutes without feeling, like, terrible. So I kind of walked around.

It took, like, nearly seven hours. And then I went for dinner with my wife after, had a pizza, no problem there. And then I fainted, passed out. Like, I'd felt a little bit sick, but I don't really feel i don't drink either right so i haven't thrown up since i last drank which is eight years ago so i felt a bit sick and i thought fuck this is weird like but i have run a marathon so it makes sense and then i just conked out my

wife was sat opposite me and she like caught me literally she saw me go she fucking grabbed me she jumped up she got a napkin and like dipped it into some cold water and started to like pat on my head. An angel. Yeah, amazing, right? I was out for about 20 seconds and I woke up, no idea what was going on.

You know, proper old school whitey came to me. My wife's just like holding me and she's going like, Liam, Liam, wake up. You fainted. And I went, I've shat myself. And she said, I know. Wow.

I'm worried now because I'm running the Paris marathon. Get a full checkup beforehand. Yeah, but that's going to take... You're going to shit yourself after a croissant. I'm going to have to go and sit in a waiting room and speak to some cunt who thinks he's better than me because he's got a status quo. Yeah, yeah.

It's either that or shit yourself in a bougie pizza restaurant. With Carl dabbing your forehead. Lad. I've shit myself. I fucking know. There's a blue hole over there. Sort it out. Now, that was a full...

That wasn't like a cheeky little shot. That was a full-blown... Was that a fully-formed poo? Or are you like a... Look, so I've not had a fully-formed poo since I was 10 years old. So let's not... I remember the last day I had a fully-formed poo.

But then I found out he was definitely missing the 2002 World Cup. What did he do? You've done as much as related i'm gonna curl out a really good one in his honor what happened the next day just life changed no i just like i remember like the next day i was like my? No, I just, like, I remember, like, the next day I was like, fucking hell, my stomach's bad and it's never been good since. It's Jack and Alan Perry, isn't it?

Yeah. Mad. I love a solid poo, mate. Feels great. I'm only joking. It's just funny. Yeah. We all love a solid poo.

I don't think he is joking, though. No. joking it's just five things to say yeah we all love a solid poo i don't think he is joking though no um you're showing adam this year sort of like uh looked at like a uh essentially a more recent flare-up than the one you've just told us about yeah so that was the start of things the uh the the marathon that was when i first went to the doctors, had a colonoscopy. Have you had that? No. Adam, you've got a bad bum. You need to get a camera up in there and find out what's going on.

I don't know how that'll help. Well, they'll be able to tell you definitely if you've got an actual condition condition. And then I'll go, like, that would be such the... Then they give you medicine. Liam, it would be the... I don't need a camera up my arse to tell me I've got a bad arse. I've got a bad arse. But there's different grades of bad arse.

I know how bad it is. Sometimes I need a poo, and I'm normally close enough to a toilet for it to be fine. I am astounded that you have no interest in... Like, I've never pooed meself. You've never shat yourself? No. Oh, well.

That's your privilege. Yeah, like, I normally get there. I'll tell you for a fact by the way though my arsehole has got like a toilet radius detector and it knows

when I'm close to a toilet yeah so like when I get close to a toilet my arsehole goes this'll do won't it we need it all let's hope the Paris Marathon route

isn't anywhere near a toilet then because like it just goes should we just box it here like the bathroom floor is good enough innit We need enough. Let's hope the Paris Marathon route isn't anywhere near a toilet then. Like it just goes, should we just box it here? Like the bathroom floor's good enough, innit? And do you ever just not quite make it then? Like you're in the toilet and maybe... He's done that a few times.

A bit. He's spoiled. I'm trying to throw it in. Because I'm counting that as a shit yourself. Poo on the bathroom floor. But I... Poo on the bathroom floor but I poo anywhere that you don't

100% decide where it goes is shitting yourself I mean it it creates like an arrow pointing at what

I was aiming for yeah yeah you enjoy the crescent moon that was that was a long time ago

when I lived with my dads yeah and it was about five o'clock in the morning two of them and actually That was a long time ago when I lived with my dads. And it was about five o'clock in the morning. Two of them? And, actually... When I lived with me dads. I thought I said at me dads. When I lived with me dads.

Mike and Barry. They didn't love. Yeah, I got in and he heard me come through the door and I was just hammered drunk and I went to go to the toilet and just like did this. Like I just like spun my ass as I got into the bathroom and just let it go. Put his jeans on.

I've shat with skinny jeans on in uni as well. Drunk, really drunk, walking home from a girl force. But I don't think it counts as shitting yourself as long as you get your pants off. No, come on, Adam. It's all about- You don't shit yourself. That's shit near me otherwise that's every poo but so wherever you take your pants off that's not that's my home

wherever i lay my shirt i've not shit myself i meant to poo in asda took me pants off i'll show you this. Have you got a card? I've got one better than a card. I do have a card, but I also have my key. This is my... Is that for Gringotts? This is my Gringotts key.

What does that key do, Liam? It opens every disabled toilet in the UK. What? No, it doesn't lie. It's not a lie. It's called a radar key. We've got one in there. I'll go open it up.

It's not locked. It's not a lie. It's called a radar key. We've got one in there. I'll go open it up. It's not locked. It's a... There's no lock on it. It doesn't open up. See, that's how good the key is. Have you ever opened a disabled toilet and found a disabled man in the disabled toilet? How dare you?

No, it's... Not when they're occupied. Yeah, there is a different mechanism for when you're occupied. But it's for train stations and Starbucks. Why do you have a disabled skeleton key? Who gives you that? The mayor? Yeah, the mayor a different mechanism for when you're occupied. But it's for train stations and Starbucks and McDonald's. Who gives you that? The mayor?

Yeah, the mayor of Shitsville. You got the keys to the shitty. That's the best thing I've ever said. That's mad. How did you get that issued? How many of them exist? Was that a joke in your show? It is, yeah.

I wasn't gonna mention it, but Adam did just nick a joke cause he's seen it on my show. That's the best thing you've ever said. I was about to say, like if that wasn't a joke in your show, it needs to be a joke in your show. Just a joke in your show.

How'd you apply for that? It's like a blue badge, isn't it? It's not a different the crones and colitis charity when you join them they just send it to you if you've got crones of colitis don't use it to just find somewhere good to do coke everyone looked at me then that's maddened what else do you have skeleton keys all for what do you mean is there any other things you can get that for? Like having a wank?

No, but is there any other ailments where you get a free key? I think there's a lot of ailments where people shit themselves a lot. I would also imagine that a lot of disabled people get given that key. But I think there's an urgency, because most disabled toilets will have someone that works there who will go, oh, cool, I'll get you the key. But this ailment means that you haven't got the time to be like yeah uh claire could you yeah you've been questioned on it when you've like gone in no um you do get funny looks though do you know

what i mean like shitty filch the uh the best time i used it was at edinburgh train station when there was there's two disabled toilets and i went to use one and a guy in a high viz was like there's someone in there and i went oh can i use that one and he went you need a key and i was like i've got a fucking key and he went i've never seen it before and it was the the keyhole was in the wall rather than the door it's like man like a magician's fucking bookshelf. You click it and the door just went and just opened up. The most luxurious shit of my life. All four seconds of it.

You've changed my world, Dad. And he was like, oh shit, you've got the key. He was, honestly, it was like he'd met like a VIP. Chosen one. Like a Nando's black card. Yeah, I was thinking that. I can't have a Nando's black card yeah i was thinking that i can't have a nando's black card with my condition no could you not have nando's what foods can't you have well it's from it's like

depends person to person spicy food is basically out though i mean anything that's gonna upset your your tummy is it's not gonna work roll the dice me i am so lucky i'm quite glad i've got my bum now i do i mean i take risks i have had nando's but then i regret it for four days four days yeah if every time you had nando's you shat blood you would think about it twice yeah twice but i'd still have it i'd probably go lemon and herb for the next one but then after six months you go ah fuck it a bit of blood never hurt anybody yeah

jalapeno see that's me now jalapenos are done for me can't have them yeah weird what yeah if I have a jalapeno

and I'll be arsed the next day he's in bits such a mild chili as well just anything else I'm farming oh I don't know when they go through you

yep they've got a little bit of yeah hurty bum on them do you have all the chilies yeah it's just if I have that on a pizza the next day I'm like oh shit yeah yeah weird ramen i've had to chuck ramen as

well kind of even non-spicy ramen it's basically fart juice and that just fucks up my tummy i think you're ordering the wrong ramen can i have the beef fart i mean you've been doing stand-up a long time have you ever had because... Because sometimes I worry, like, we're on stage for ages, especially on tour. It's like, we're doing an hour, an hour and ten minutes or whatever. Like, usually the adrenaline just overrides it. Yeah. What if you just had to go,

guys, I'm going to call a break now that no one wanted or expected. I've just got to go and do a pop. I nearly had to do that in Corby. So Alfie opened for me and got straight off from Corby and I did the show and the second I walked on I was like, oh no. And the show

took me 48 minutes that night. A show that was running at about an hour and 12. And I got all of it out. I was just on 1.5 time. And another time, I was about to go on at Jason Cook's Comedy Club to close the gig. And he's hosting and he's like,

are you ready for your next act? And I was at the side of the stage and I had to just run and I ran past the tech. I went, you need to go and tell him I've gone to the toilet. Because it was just about to happen. It was just coming. So that has never happened to me, weirdly. He had to vamp.

But I had, when I was starting out doing one of my first Red Roars, I tried to slip out a sneaky fart before I went on, and it was a bad one. And then my name got called, and I had to walk on stage with a little bit of poo in my pants. I had a fucking belter gig as well. Oh, really? And I thought, fuck, from now on,

I'm going to have to- Oh, you don't want a McDonald ritual, do you? That's my lucky shot. Finn, in the fuck, well, do we have anything that's not poo? What, for Liam? But before we get to that, is there a worst moment?

Like the, what was like, so the show is about, i had to spend two weeks in hospital because it got really really bad and they were literally like we might have to take your stomach out and fit you with a colostomy bag so so that's what the show that adam came to see i did at french's was all about was about those 10 days in hospitals and all different stories about you know shitting yourself and new diet and and all stuff so that was the worst to me that was the bad one you know the doctor's sitting there going if this doesn't get better tomorrow then we're gonna have to operate you know what i mean so yeah that was that was the worst but it got better tomorrow it got better tomorrow and uh and here we

are but i mean i still have it it could happen and so when i sharted at the gym this morning like i can laugh about it but there's a little bit about it that's like, this could be the start of another fucking, yeah, bad sequence of events. You know what I mean? Well, yeah, man. Did you find an answer

to Carl's question? Yeah, there's lots of stuff we've got here. Shoot. We never used to have research since Harry Robinson's. Tell him a fact about himself. That's what you're asking.

Do you think that's what the research is for? To tell the guest things we know about them? That's how he does it. Liam, you're a? Do you think that's what the research is for? To tell the guests things we know? That's how he does it. Liam, you're a Gemini. I am a Gemini. Oh Liam, I saw you went to Peterhut once

and had a fight with Ross Kent. What are the chances of me getting that right? What do you think the research is for? No, no, no, no, I want Finn to answer this. I understand it's for us to have some context, which is what happened before. And I highlighted something for Colin, he went, you did the London marathon, didn't you, Liam?

Right, Finn, are you potted? No here have you been on the left have you got any other prep finn yeah yeah shall i just tell liam some facts about himself that's what it is come up when you're a big west ham fan aren't you i sure am oh yeah i've got my west ham keyring as well that doesn't get me into anywhere particularly um but if I want to go and see a load of shit, then that can help. Any stories about the Red Arrows? Yeah, have you ever done a gig where the Red Arrows were about for some reason?

A gig with the Red Arrows? Yeah. Good research, this really... Well, I don't know what the fuck that is. Apparently the Red Arrows flew over the gig where you were bombing and... Well, no, I don't know what that is. Harry and Finn are both getting fucking sacked, by the way.

Liam, you mentioned before that you haven't drank for several years. Yeah, yeah. What caused that? That was sick. See, Finn, listen to the guest. Because he was so pissed he forgot he was in the Red Arrows. Liam, get out of the play i'm shat in here mate um yeah what uh eight and a half years was that like a a health decision uh an addiction decision

just you know what addiction i don't like addiction yeah yeah no i drank every day for about 10 years. And I drank to get drunk, like, basically every day as well. So that was when I was starting stand-up. So there was, I remember being backstage. Do you see how long ago this was? How old are you, Sonny? I'm 34.

Right. So I was backstage. So you were young then? Mm-hmm. So like late teens, then you started there? Started drinking. As in, like, to get drunk every day? That's late teens, right? Oh drinking as in like to get drunk every day that's late teens

oh like 15 oh wow 15 would be like regular drinking not drinking every day yeah and then from like 17, 18

drinking most days yeah to get drunk and I remember early days like backstage at the stand again Romesh was doing

the middle so to date it a little bit yeah and I was so fucked that they had to have Romesh was doing the middle. So that was... To date it a little bit. Yeah. And I was so fucked that they had to have, Stan's staff had to have a meeting about whether I was allowed on stage

because they were like, this guy's asleep and he's supposed to be on in 10 minutes. And they woke me up and went on. And again, I had a fucking belt with the gig. So that's why the next 10 years after that, I turned up every gig shit-faced and with a shark in my pants. It is funny, i've done a thousand thousands of gigs how few times in all of the thousands of gigs you've done considering how much booze is consumed and sold at the venues

we're doing how rare it is to have a comedian properly pissed like it doesn't happen that much i can remember the times when i've been at a venue going oh they're drunk or like it's it's a it's not that many considering most comics like a drink yeah and it's such a boozy environment and basically the staff will get you free booze if you go can i have a pint they'll probably let you have four or five pints before someone goes a like it's it is kind of rare to see a comic be shit-faced. I had four pints before the late show at the store on Saturday. So I went and did, I did the early show at the store,

went straight to Top Secret, did two sets of Top Secret, and then had about two and a half hours until my late show set, closing the late show at the store. And I went to pub with Ishan, Vittorio and George Sack and I had four pints of Guinness. And then, but that, like that. But you could pass the comedian sobriety test easily, couldn't you?

My rule was never more than four. Like when I was drinking. What? My rule was never more than four before going on stage generally. So because four was like the cutoff point. Yeah. I mean, I broke the rule all the fucking time.

I had a problem. But... I love that. My rule was never more than four. Did I ever fucking listen to my own rule? Of course not. But I had the rule. Classic.

I didn't know, innit? Four's the line. Absolutely. No, I regularly... Did you ever do drugs before going on stage? Yeah, I have done, yeah. I did ketamine before going on stage. That to me makes so little sense.

It's unbelievable. Eden Festival. Obviously not a lot of ketamine. No, it was just a line of ketamine. Never more than four. Whenever I've done it, and there's always been some, it's never been planned. It's always been like, there's a night out that's gone on too long and i'm like there's a gig

the next day or something you're on stage and in my head i'm like there's all there's a constant like noise in my head going you're on coke you're on coke you're on coke like it's it's not people go oh you do it and you feel dead confident on stage i feel confident normally and you feel tuned in to what's going on the few times and i've not enjoyed any of it and i would never like it's not to be done you are weirdly aware of it it's all almost like you just crank up a little bit of anxiety in you have you seen the documentary on netflix the robbie williams documentary go on it's like map on his life And he said he's on stage in Leeds and he's fucked up. And he said he felt like

everyone could hear his thoughts. And he said he forgot everything he meant to sing. And he said like, it was like the worst moments of his life. Like it was awful. Being on Ket on stage, it's not like that because it's not like a voice in your head going,

you're on coca and coca and coca. It's more like a voice going, the universe is folding in on itself and you're going to squeeze yourself into the shape of a tiny box oh there's 100 people looking at you wow didn't have a great gig joey diaz the american comedian says because he does all sorts of drugs and he's like i'd never go on stage on coke because you've got no soul you've got no soul up there he's like takes your soul away with booze you're like it's like there's a confidence

there is a blurred confidence to booze it's a false confidence though in it because no one everyone thinks they're very funny on booze but you are not as funny as i saw a compare um baby blue um who was drunk i i didn't realize until i watched him compare and it was in the third section been boozing all night i think i might have turned up in the him compare and it was in the third section, been boozing all night. I think I might've turned up in the middle section and it was an okay crowd, but he hadn't totally got them. And they were a little bit rabbley. And I only realized when I saw him put someone down

and lose his temper with someone, I looked back and went, oh, in the break. Now I realize he's a bit pissed. But I hadn't clocked it until I, the lack of judgment of what was too far to say to someone. Like you could see it and it was the booze in him going, nah, like had that flare up, that lack of control. And it was a really cringy moment.

I don't know if anyone knew that he was pissed, but I knew him well enough to go, yeah, you're fucking pissed. I used to, when hosting, I used to, my way sort of around being pissed would be first section i would only talk to people on the left hand side of the room second section i would only talk to people on the other side so that i if i forgot who i'd spoken to i wouldn't trip myself up and ask the same person what do you do for a living or stage in a second i that. But I remember when I gave up drinking hosting and in the second section doing a callback to someone in the first section

and I went, fucking hell, I don't remember stuff. This is good. Yeah. Scary. Mad. Shall we have a break? Feels like a nap. Feels right, doesn't it?

Yeah. We're back, aren't we? Do it. Come on, we've all got Stockholm syndrome and now we want you to do it. I want you to do it. Part four of four, ladies and gents. Why have you got to do like

halfway between my voice and yours? Just in a good mood. But you're pissing on my chips. Have you always think of me as me? Have Israelis got an accent? What? Yeah. Show me one of those. Have Israelis got an accent? What? Yeah.

Show me one of those. Show me. I know one of those. I know one Israeli. Sphere. Shout out my mate Sphere. What? It's all that, isn't it? Yeah.

That sounds Jewish. But she sounds Israeli. Yeah, it's like... What? It's like... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That sounds Jewish. But she sounds Israeli. It's kind of... It's a bit Middle Eastern. Call him that. Steve McClaren? 4-4-2. She's Israeli.

She's the coach of FC20. We get Arsenal, maybe Liverpool. Teach Liverpool. Finn, have we got any prep? We have. Are we ready to give some advice we've got some facts about Liam that you can tell him

I can if you want tell him is it Israeli I've heard you've got a podcast called Enjoy An Album I sure do that one's true that is me

give it a plug then me and Christopher MacArthur Boyd review a different album every week and talk shit about the person who made the album whether they be good or bad what's your favourite album favourite album ever yeah oh man come on that's a ridiculous okay top two yeah go

top i'm a big radio head guy so like in rainbows in rainbows yeah that was a big one for me growing up and then i don't know queen is dead the smiths maybe would be if i had to choose but that's a hard question you know you haven't heard Luke Combs, ladies and gentlemen. What's your favourite album? What? What's your favourite album? Orson's self-titled album. It's got No Tomorrow on it.

Yeah, of course. Of course it has! If your favourite album's by Orson, it's got to have No Tomorrow. Let's go to a rave and behave like a trippin'. What's your favourite album? So in love. What is my favourite album? We were love. What is my favourite album?

We were just saying when I was at uni, this is it by The Strokes. It was fucking cool. Ah, mate. And they're so good live. His voice is insane. No, I saw them last year. It was awful.

I don't know if it's my favourite. I saw them last year in New Great Wales. Where did you see them? Lytton? At Glasgow Transmit. I saw them in Lytton when they were fire. I mean, it depends how pissed Casablancas is. He was shit- At Glasgow Transmit. I saw them in Lytton when they were fire. I mean, it depends how pissed Casablancas is.

He was shit-faced at Transmit. He wasn't pissed. It's quite a Tory festival. He was just like... Transmit was bad, wasn't it? He was standing just... He kept getting distracted

by a seagull. Wow. Look at that seagull up there. His voice sounds like he's pressed play on him. This is a bit Pockhole and the Kettle Blackout. Whoa!

That was in my show, actually. Oh, no, they were great. He was his voice. Yeah, great. What's your favourite album? Don't do a joke like I did. No, I really like Abbey Road. And also...

But who's that? I've got a soft spot for Hosea's debut album oh mate it's on that house loads well yeah it's a really good sexy man yeah but i don't know i don't want to be cringe because the oasis albums aren't the albums aren't that good it's the songs isn't it but that on the albums yeah but I mean there's not the best album of theirs is the first one that's some of my favourite songs

he's holding vinyls up to his ears going shit in a few years are they gonna go are young people not gonna be able to do albums

cause I've stopped listening to albums they already don't cause they're all fine the people are gonna be like what's your favourite playlist yeah

my favourite album is a playlist basically it's both why. The people are going to be like, what's your favourite playlist? Yeah. Oh, no. Yeah. My favourite album is a playlist, basically. It's Now 68. Now 68 is the best. Can I date Now 68? 2005. You won't even argue with me

when you see this? It's not, it's later. 2009. Can you name three songs? Oh, what? Yes, yes. You're not joking? No.

Do you know anything on it? Read them number one leona lewis bleeding love number two take that rule the world can we have in-game reaction from adam for everyone number three for take that for the audio listeners he just went number three Kyla Minogue two hearts banger um

it's not what you want is it Mark Ronson featuring Amy Winehouse Valerie wow five sugar babes about you now

yeah Kanye West stronger I skipped that one he's a Nazi it's shit anyway Craig David great guy though

great guy Craig David hot son brackets let's dance beautiful girl Sean Kingston Craig David. Great guy though. Great guy. Craig David, Hot Son, brackets, Let's Dance. Beautiful Girl, Sean Kingston. Y'all way too beautiful.

What track's that? Now that's an Israeli accent. What track's that? Eight. You're so fierce, I'm going to kill myself. Yeah. There's loads of bangers on there. We haven't done Now 68

on the album podcast yet, actually. It's the best album of all time. I have to submit it. The other side opens with Hey There Delilah. Hey There Delilah's on the other side. actually it's the best album i have to submit it the other side opens with hey there delilah hey there delilah's on the other side now you might tease me hey my tease oh i went to see them live for i was reviewing them for a radio station about the time that that came out and um they played that song second and then half the audience left that's like chesney hawk isn't it he plays the one and only twice once at left. That's like Chesney Hawks, isn't it? He plays the one and only twice.

Once at the start and he's like, I get it. And then he plays it in his own horror. I went to see James and he sang Sit Down first. And I was like, what are you doing here, fella? Yeah.

They've got a few though, haven't they? Everyone's there for that. It was at a festival. Yeah, but they ate it. I don't give a fuck. Get it out of the way. I mean, Radiohead never played Creep. They don't play Creep.

They haven't played it for years. Hate their big hits. I went to see Palmeirini. He don't play Creep. They haven't played it for years. Hate their big hits. I don't see Palme d'Atene. You didn't play some of his bangers? The big bands have a different, they have a festival set, which is like, it's almost like the difference

of being like a club comic with a headline set and then doing an Edinburgh show in it. If you go and see them on tour, they'll give you some of their album tracks and they'll basically go, this is our favourite stuff.

And then if they do like Red in All Leeds, they go, and here's some of the hits that we want. They've, this is our favourite stuff. And then if they do like Red in All Leads, they go, and here's some of the hits that we want. They've got to play Haste It Down because all the dummies who were there

just because they happened to be playing the festival, that's the only song they know. Yep. Best live gig I ever saw was Radiohead in 2003. It was when Hail to the Thief came out

and I was so into them at the, at the GMX, not the GMX, what's the other one? The MEN. Fucking unbelievable. So good.

Prince. I saw Prince at Hopfarm. That's sick. And he did two and a half hours. Unfortunately, this was at the height of my drink and drug phase. You don't remember that. So I took some very potent MDMA

and I don't remember. I remember like, you know, the sort of mini memories you have after a, a big session. I remember like flashes you know, the sort of mini memories you have after a big session. I remember like flashes. Of a two and a half hour set, I reckon I remember four to five seconds of Prince.

That's the most concerts I've been to though. That's not good though. I haven't got a problem. If you only remember four to five seconds of the nine hours that you made us watch Blue Cone, we're having fucking words. Because you look like you've got at least five hours. Every time I looked over to Adam, he's like...

Yes! I've never seen a man so fucking happy. I only had about four beers at that, though. Like, I was drinking water and Diet Coke and shit. So into it. Because I wanted to remember it. Cherry Cinnamon, not so much. No, Jerry Cinnamon.

I know he was there. Because I've been told he was there. You're not a big gig goer, are you? You only went, was Jerry Cinnamon your first one? Yeah, I've been seeing him twice. I've been seeing Luke Combs twice. Been to the Arctic Monkeys twice. 20 seconds of gigs.

And that's it oh no I went to country to country so you are a big gig goer now 7 he is 7 gigs he likes 4 artists and he's seen

most of them 3 times stinks of the tism how do you deal with gigs and your tummy problems though what do you mean well do you have to go poo at the gigs what do you mean isn't and your tummy problems, though? What do you mean? Well, do you have to go poo at the gigs?

What do you mean? It isn't as bad as you think. No, and I've got no problem pooing. Even when he's dancing to Jerry Sinu. It's been a pleasure being here, boys. There's always a toilet. Yeah, but like, so, you know, you're watching Luke Coombs for however long.

Do you have to run out of the gig and go to the toilet? If i need a poo just go and poo yeah i just hope he doesn't sing my favorite while i'm pooing and if i do i force it out quicker wipe up quicker i know there's three hours of show left because he does another two seconds of memories just big long shows that's not a bad thing by the way you want your heart to get bang for your butt i actually i go to a lot of gigs and i could do with most artists doing 20 minutes max it depends it depends who you know prince two and a half hours but yeah even bands i'd like after the 90 minutes i would like to go what about stand-up what's your what do you think the stand-up because when i go on my stand-, once we're past an hour, I'm like... 45 minutes. I'm getting fucking...

Any longer and I am... Drifting. Yeah. Even on stage. Music's different, though. Like, if you go and see a musician, then often you're going out after it anyway to go to a club with music you don't want to listen to on.

And you can zone out to the musician. I don't know, the song and then I can... Yeah. You feel short-changed when a gig's like 50 minutes.'ve had that and then 90 minutes to me hojai did like a bit over two hours i was like right yeah i love you but this is like okay ross noble used to do just leave like an hour and 40 because the best songs at the end aren't they that's definitely too long but like and a comic doing an hour and 40 an an hour and 50. No break. Come on. No, just that's mental. Who's Ken Dodd used to do four hours?

Yeah. But they knew. That's his dad's dog, by the way. I would want to do some pretty strong MDMA to see Ken Dodd. How long was Ken Dodd on for? I could only remember four seconds. You'd have to now. Just less than a minute.

I would actually, would you not want to, if you found out ken dodd was doing four hours across the road would you not be some kind of perverse interest in 100 oh yeah 100 i'd like to have seen burning manning in the embassy club yeah i would like i don't know i don't know long stuff as a comic there's things that you will never be able to see again i'd love to see fucking jo Rivers smash it. That would be amazing. Yeah. But Chappelle does

like two hours. We saw one. He did like three and a bit. Hot water. Yeah. He just didn't stop. And he wasn't always

doing comedy. He was just sometimes going, what's happening? It was weird. He's just on stage for that amount of time. He's not constantly trying to do bits.

He's just talking and philosophizing and asking people questions and then he'd go, it's a five minute bit and it'd work and he'd be like right there you go and I can do whatever I want to do for the 15 minute period and it was fascinating to watch, like if you're a fan

and a comedy fan, you'd like, it's intriguing but like there was people in there going we just came to the new material night on a Wednesday there was people walking it I'd say from the start to the end there was maybe a quarter of the people left but at one point, the first time someone sheepishly got off to leave,

he was like, by the way, I'm going to be here for ages. And as you're leaving like they are now, I'm not going to point it out or pick on you. And he was like, I don't judge you if you've got a baby sister or a train's going to get go. I'm just going to do me.

And as long as there's people still here, I'm going to keep going. Yeah. And we weren't going anywhere. So someone broke the seal and he went, nah, it going to do me. And as long as there's people still here, I'm going to keep going. Yeah. And we weren't going anywhere. So someone broke the seal and he went, nah, it's fine. Yeah. And then I'd say- And then 40 people went.

Because at the end, it was just like, we just sat in a room with Chappelle just talking. It wasn't even like you were watching him anymore. Yeah, but I bet you'll remember that gig for the rest of your lives. Like on your deathbed, if someone goes, remember that Chappelle night? That was so much more memorable

than going to see him the next night at the arena. 100%, yeah. Yeah. Did you remember more of comedy then huh you remember more than five seconds of comedy he doesn't get blathered the show so he doesn't really go oh was it because of the booze yeah and also i don't really do that at gigs anymore because i just like it it's never five seconds but like when i went to country to country it's like a festival that was like five hours it felt like the luke Holmes thing where there was loads of support acts. I went to watch the Zac Brown band and I only remember maybe like four or five

of their songs properly. And I loved it, but I was pissed by the end of the show. So Jerry Cinnamon was your first gig? Yeah. But what about like, you've done comedy at festivals and stuff would you never like i haven't done loads of that really yeah how old were you when you went to jerry cinnamon two years ago that's crazy you never know i never went to see bands

when i was doing leeds festival or really oh yeah did you ever stay the weekend though and do the gigs in the week i was drove in did the get sometimes i compared the whole day but i didn't venture out you were you were a gig goer though weren't you done like you do and you do raves and that so it wasn't like you it wasn't a massive gig go you know we went we went we went clubbing but it was very different it's like fucking midnight when you turned up yeah that's a boogie and a pill don't he i did 30 like a body pop 33 gigs in 2022 I went to I did like 15 I did like 15 yeah

bits of live music last year there was a week in April I did 7 gigs in 8 days it was tiring yeah it was tiring it's like your hobby

though isn't it the last one we finished with Dua Lipa which was a strong finish what a pig Christopher McArthur Boyd

funny cunt yes very funny cunt yeah his special is just coming out as well oh really yeah i'll go check that out he's a very funny man are you doing anything with your last show film on my eyes uh yes just finalizing it but that should be filmed before the end of the year and put out um so keys to the shitty by adam ruff when you see that co-writer can i point out that finn told you a fact that it led to 10 minutes we have a chat well there you go you're not sacked after all well done thing

what was the fact uh you've got a podcast about albums and then it's got us the music thank you you're not good finn you're not good he'd forget to do it should we do some have a words oh it's should we do it coolly? It's time to have a word with Adam and Ben. No, it's not. It's time to have a word with Adam and Ben. It's time to solve the problems you have with your friends. This was going to be the whole podcast.

Now it's just the final 10%. I love a bit of cunnilingus. Right, these are anonymous as always. Send them in to have a word pod at gmail.com. It was from an anonymous lady. I need you to have a word with either me or my boyfriend. I've been with my boyfriend for nearly two years now. He's the love of my life.

We live together and nobody makes me laugh like he does. However, he has a whole Twitter account dedicated to following thick women in all sorts of bondage positions only fans models does she mean chunky or stupid it's with two c's and it's two capital c's stupid women just just from now on finn just make sure you specify that also they are mutually exclusive no they're not mutually exclusive sorry i just want to know what you meant, Carl. This feels a little close to home, this one. It feels like you, don't it?

Dedicating to following thick women in all sorts of bondage positions, OnlyFans models and porn stars doing things he has never asked me to do. He thinks I'm being overbearing by saying I think it's weird. Is this normal male behaviour? If so, why can't he use Pornhub like the rest of us? That's from Laura Nightingale.

How does she know he's got it? He's watching all these women doing things he never asked me to do, like leave him alone. Why is he told he's got a... Yeah, he's got a fake Twitter account. The whole point is that you don't show your partner. How is he... Does Laura know about yours?

No, she does now. I'd love to find that out, you know, more than anything. More than anything. To see the likes on that ad. Oh, please. The likes. Someone who's far smarter than us.

My likes are, like, my best of. Yeah, I know. That's what I want to see. Yeah, it's your now 68. Now 42 You are a beauty Someone as smart as us Please find it out Matthew I changed my handle

For when I got found You got found? No I was like You made it funny What was your old handle? I just My old handle I was like right

I've got to be careful you know you know what happened what's your old handle you know tell us the old one i can't i can't it was it was just cringe but nobody it was just something it was something like oh i can't remember big daddy you know what you know when adam was putting all those clips out did you retweet one he was like he was like and i went and i like obviously there was a run of them on there and it whenever i leave my twitter on my wanky twitter it just mayhem like like i open my phone up just open twitter and all of a sudden it's fucking tits do you leave comments below all the videos? Like you okay today, baby? Yeah, that looks good.

What are you up to? Want to get to know me? I'd like that. Is your profile picture a selfie taken from like here? Dan, please tell us what your old handle was. I genuinely can't remember. Have you come up with a porn pseudonym? I just, I put one in place so that when I got caught,

you'd be like, like i i know it's just twitter it's insta as well i haven't got a wanky insta no i'd have thought that is more suited no because it's not full-on porn is it on instagram also like yeah okay my wife doesn't give a shit about twitter i think she i don't know she really cares about instagram she loves the grum the what the grum it The what? The grum. It's why she calls other people's pussies. She's a lesbian. She loves the pussy.

Is it how active are you on this Twitter? Do you follow people? Yeah. Do they follow you well? Do you follow more people on that than you follow on your actual account? Yeah. A hundred percent.

Are you involved in like a porn circle? Is it like a... What's a porn circle? It's a porn straight line. It's just him. Like you all follow each other and... Do you have a tweet on it? Yeah. Are you involved in a porn circle? What's a porn circle? It's a porn straight line. It's just him. You all follow each other. Do you ever tweet on it? Yeah.

Are you known? I do when Adam's got videos he wants. Have you ever tweeted from that account, typed stuff out? Ever? Yeah, this government's got to go. I've got post-nuclarity. Tony's out.

He's deaf of the fleshck, by the way. Because sometimes you see those porny tweets and then you click and you read the replies and there are guys replying to them. Yeah, I'm wondering whether you're a reply guy. Are you ever putting like, wow, tits. Hello, gorgeous. Hello, gorgeous.

Oh my God. Happy Tuesday, love. Fuck, you know, she's naked. It'd be amazing if you just commented on it. I fucking hope they're married. Is Willie's going right in her fucking mini? No, I have never commented or retweeted on purpose. What's your picture?

But one video of Adam's was for a very brief moment, retweeted to a load of porn buttock outs that are following me. Can you imagine the panic it's just an egg I just love the panic I just want to watch porn on my phone and twitter it's so good at it I just love the moment after you accidentally retweeted

Adam's video the fear that must have gone through your are you doing it? why? what? just do it. Just do it. No.

It's better for me. They just go, shoot it. You know it. Better. What were you saying, mate? He just thought of an evil, evil joke. It was a great joke that deserved to be said. But you like your career?

You like your career, don't you? Oh, it wasn't bad. It's just really mean. To me? No. That's fine. but you like your career you like your career don't you it's not oh it wasn't bad oh it's just really mean to me yeah oh that's fine but that's fine

he was gonna say he was gonna say the picture on your account's got an egg as well isn't it cos you're bald oh yeah that wasn't it

that wasn't it as if it wouldn't oh my god who are you oh my god no I couldn't say that Dan doesn't even know he's bald call him an egg he doesn't do my eye i don't know how would you feel i guess if your partner then

said to you i don't like you having this wanky twitter because that's what this this lady it would be weird because she's very understanding about me like i'm like i've got a high sex drive i'd like to have sex with my wife more we have discussions about it you know i think you're answering a different question to us and part of the yeah i'd like to have sex with my wife more okay what if your wife found it well i want to fuck her more so um so she's like yeah you can watch porn it's fine but I don't but Twitter's just basically

phone porn for me no but you've got a connection to them you can talk to them you can't talk through porn no but some of the porn on Twitter which I have seen before

I've never followed any of them and I've never created my own little private account although I kind of do want to some of the porn on Twitter is just porn it's just like it's like

you know like we put like a stand-up special out and then you clip it up well it's like it's like you know subtitled gang like, it's like, you know, like we put like a stand-up special out and then you clip it up. Well, it's like, it's like, you know, subtitled gangbangs. How long have we talked about this?

Just the best 10 seconds. Some of the accounts go to half an hour. Do you think all the old porn stars are going, fuck, to be a porn star these days, you've got to do clips,

you've got to do subtitles, all this extra work in a podcast. We should start a Patreon for our tits. They have, haven't we? There's a podcast in the US called Plug Talk, which is... Oh, I've seen this one for our tits there's a there's a podcast in the u.s called plug talk which is seen this yeah so there's a lad called adam 22 and his wife's called lena the plug oh

yeah and they get a porn star on like a female one and they interview her about a sex work and then they bum her head off and put it on patreon but there's also the ones where he watches yeah yeah that that's only. But there's also the ones where he watches his wife. That's only recent because there was an episode where like apparently, I don't know whether this is all true, but this is what I think happened. It's great that you've done your own research. Amazing, very professional.

So like there was like a female porn star who come on and was like, why doesn't Lena the plug ever get to get bummed by someone else? And he was like, I don't know about that. And she was like, well, you get to fuck me later than like you get to fuck other people. So why doesn't lena the plug ever get to get bummed by someone else and he was like i don't know about that and she was like well you get to fuck me later than like you get to fuck other people so why can't she and he was like you know what fair enough so then she picked like the biggest fella with the biggest like absolute fucking wound bruiser that she could find and then like it was all over the internet that he like let his wife get absolutely fucking

yeah gone in by this fella the guy fist bumped him midway through yeah yeah i'm fist bumping his fist and then they did like a the bachelor recently they on their patreon or it might be on only fans but on their like thing i think it's patreon but it might i don't know um they did like their version they did their own patreon special and it was their version of the Bachelor and the winner just got to go and bum his wife. We should do one of these. Matthew, put the wheels in motion. We've had a special idea. It was Blind Date.

And no one won. Matt, da? No, Jamie won. Jamie Hutchison won. He won your prize. The girl I match with is now with Jamie, but that didn't happen on the night, did it? No, but the wheels started in motion.

So what are we saying to this lady then? we're saying that she just needs to kind of let him get on with his private back the fuck off love what i think she needs to let him do it if she knows about it and she hasn't got an issue if he's messaging them then maybe you know that's like i guess you could say it's a bit inappropriate you know i mean but like if he's just a different vehicle for looking at what's the difference between Twitter porn, Pornhub, Porn Magazine in a bush? There's no. Almost none. Just email back.

I'll speak to you when I'm at home. Okay. Right. This next one is from Cam Stevenson. Is this the last one? This is the last one. Hey, Uplids. Have a word with my.

I know I did it. Have a word with my mate Harvey. His morning routine consists of a 40-minute shower. Fuck off. He keeps drawing trains. His morning routine consists of a 40-minute shower, which starts off with him sat on the toilet with the shower on hot for 15 minutes

because he likes the steam. He then sits down in the shower, cross-legged... Like a woman in a film who's seen someone get murdered. And washes his hair and feet. He then stands up. Jesus! Hair and feet!

John the Baptist. He then stands up and washes the rest of himself. He then sits back down for a bit longer to rinse off and sometimes has a lie down. To top this off, he doesn't get out of the shower

stood up. He slides out of it like a slug onto the bath mat to dry himself off. Maybe you need to have a word with me. He's got a Twitter account. He dries himself off on the bath mat. You can't wash your feet before you cough. Again, Athlete's

Bellend. Have we had one like this similar to this? I don't remember one like this. Maybe you need to have a word with me for over reacting. I don't know. But this just seems like some proper noncy psycho behavior to me all the best cam how did he find out he's opened the bar from doing his mates wiggling like a little slug across the floor if you've got a central heating system that just heats up the water as it goes and it's not one of them big fucking tank things that empties out i used i used to have a flat where someone stayed

over and they just had two longer showers. You'd use all the hot water. The hot water was gone and you were like, you fucking knobbed. Apart from that, you're like,

what does it matter? It's a power shower, isn't it? Power shower. Let the man slide around. Sit on the toilet. So what I'll do is I'll turn the shower on then have a poo.

Right. Why? Huh? Why? Because then it's the temperature it needs to be rather than waiting at 10 seconds and it's a poo. Right. Why? Huh? Why? Because it's the temperature it needs to be rather than waiting like 10 seconds and it's a bit steamy. Oh, 10 seconds.

It's the level of control that these boys can only dream of. And then because I like to get a shower after they do a poo. You'd be fucked, by the way. Do you know what? Another comic has told me this, that every time they poo, they like to have a shower after. It wasn't sloths. Another one?

Yeah. Another clean person. They said they only poo at the end of the day and then they shower immediately after. The life of Riley, mate. Brendan Riley. That's what they're saying, Caleb. That's what they're saying, Kingstone.

Let him do it. That's his private time. Shower time. Why do you care? You're saying it as if it's me. Yeah, Finn. I'm not caring about all this. Unless it's like 7am and you only need to get a shower for work,

then audio. Oh, that's irritating. Stop being a slug. But let him do it. Yeah, that's fine. If that's what we're all but what's your average shout you've got long hair what's your average shower time you're quite long when we were we shared a bathroom in nashville you put a good 20 minutes in probably 15 i would say yeah 10 15 minutes just you know i mean depends whether or not i'm washing my hair i'm i'm anywhere between one song and two songs that's mad mate what are you doing for all

that time no i could do it pretty quick quickly if i'm not washing my head and you know that's including washing my hair my hair's not like short short like i'm growing at the minute how long do you the shampoo in for like i'll get in the shower wet me here put the shampoo in wash the rest of me and then that's right conditioning three Right, yeah, you'll need to if you've got long hair. What about when this guy goes to the gym? Is he wriggling like a slug

on the fucking pure gym floor? Listen, I don't know what this fella knows about the slug thing, but I think as long as you're slugging on your own and you're not bothering anyone else,

it's the goblin thing from last week. You went here for that. Some fella runs around the house, calls it Goblin Tuesday. He's acting like a goblin. He's not hurting anyone.

That sounds good. Yeah. Yeah, see? A man slugs on these. He's acting like a goblin. He's not hurting anyone. That sounds good. Yeah. Yeah, see? A man. I'm into that. It's just a man. Do you know what? Yeah.

Maybe we should all just try this slug thing because you never know. You might feel like, fuck, this is actually a really good way to start my day, pretending to be a slug. I think it sounds like you'd poo on the bathroom floor, mate.

I respect men who play. Yeah, he's just playing. He's just having fun. Clinging on to his youth. There you go. That's a pug. That's true. Yeah, Wallace knows as well.

William, tell everyone where they can find you. Anything you've got coming up and you want to talk about, go for it. You've got as much time as you need. At Liam Withnow on Instagram mainly. I don't really fuck with twitter nowadays now that elon musk has ruined it but um i'm going on tour the show that you came to see at the end of the festival is touring from march starting glasgow going to liverpool manchester soho theater birmingham brighton bloody everywhere uh starts in march gone for two months so it's called chronic boom it's an hour of jokes about

me shitting myself there is a little bit of a storytelling in there as well um but yeah i mean adam's seen it and best thing i've seen in edmund last year and i uh yeah it was just the best thing i've seen very surprised when it was not nominated for the main award up there thought it was uh silly um i'm on tour and I start again this week. adamrode.co.uk slash tour, if you want to go straight there, or you can just put adamrode.co.uk and then click the tour button. Whatever you feel is the easiest way to get there.

Loads of dates. I think there's 33 left, including the M&S Bank Arena in Liverpool, which is sold about two-thirds, which is just a banana sentence, isn't it? Because it's not till May. Very excited to get back on the road. I have been bored and for the past week,

I've been too busy and I'm excited to just be too busy again because I'm better when I'm too busy because Christmas time was shit. I had a bad month. It just got... It started out as promo and just got too honest.

It was brilliant. Come and see me because if you don't, it doesn't validate me as a human. I need you just as much as you need me. I'm doing a year of comparing Dan Nightingale and Fiends

and the CCC in Chester. Come and see me host an ad-libbing riff with some of the funniest cunts I know. All the tickets for all the shows are at dannightingale.com. We've got a song this week. Is it from the Scouts band? No, they're going to be another week. All right, okay, cool.

This is an alt-rock band from Southport called Slick Cupid. This is their tune, Save Me. It's a bit of a heavier one, so if that's your jam. Oh, it's totally right, champ. Is it goth shit? You'd call it goth shit, yeah. So you know it is, yeah. Exactly.

Appreciate it, Liam. Bye for now. We'll be right back. I hide from the devil inside Tarments me all the time It's killing me So hard to see Constantly on my mind So pretty baby Won't you save me

I got a demon in my head I try to live my life, this thing wants me dead Save me I'm falling under, I can't breathe Turn away and track me below And I'll try to swim against it Come and bet it's too late I suffocate

I suffer Trapped out by a damaging hate I always feel the consequences of my past mistakes Overwhelmed by my state But it's not too late For you to pull me out and save me from a messed up day. So breathe, baby. Won't you save me?

I've got a demon in my head. I'm trying to live my life. This thing wants me dead. Save me. I'm falling under. I can't breathe. Turn away and check me below And I'll try, swim against the current that is too late

I suffocate, I suffer I'm falling into you I can't breathe Thank you. Time to turn me on Thank you. Bye. I can't take it anymore And I'll try To swim against the current that is today I'll suffocate I'll suffer We'll be right back. Thank you. you you