Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #261 with Tom Stade & Mick Ferry - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: January 29, 2024

Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan Nightingale & Fiends Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.ukComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsCheck out Finn's music: https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20Supreme CBD | https://supremecbd.ukStress less and sleep better with Supreme CBD using code WORD40 at checkout to get 40% off sitewideFüm | https://tryfum.co.ukHead to tryfum.com/HAVEAWORD and use code HAVEAWORD to save an additional 10% off your order today.BetterHelp | https://betterhelp.com/word10Get 10% off your first month!NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Become one of the lids:https://patreon.com/haveawordpodTickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comFind us everywhere:https://haveaword.pageDiscord:https://discord.gg/haveawordpodFollow the podcast, our hosts and our guest on social media:Have A Wordhttps://facebook.com/haveawordpodhttps://twitter.com/haveawordpodhttps://instagram.com/haveawordpodAdam Rowehttps://facebook.com/adamrowecomedianhttps://twitter.com/adamrowecomedyhttps://instagram.com/adamrowecomedianDan Nightingalehttps://facebook.com/danhasapodcasthttps://twitter.com/danhasapodcasthttps://instagram.com/danhasapodcastTom Stadehttps://twitter.com/TomStadehttps://instagram.com/TomStadeMick Ferryhttps://twitter.com/MickFerryhttps://instagram.com/MickMFerryADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening, lids? How are we? Before we go into this week's absolutely brilliant episode of Have A Word, I've got a few things to tell you about. First of all, as of 18th of January next year, I am back on tour all day to adamro.co.uk, including the M&S Bank Arena on Saturday the 18th of May. But the big stuff, if you've been a listener for a while, surely you already know about this.

We have got the biggest Patreon membership in the UK for a reason, starting at just three quid a month at patreon.com slash have a word pod. What do they get, Daniel? Well, they get an exclusive, a Patreon exclusive

every Wednesday video and audio which is just the lads an hour, an hour and a half of unfiltered, unadulterated have a word bullshit.

Early access to these public episodes and the piece de resistance, the reason we're the biggest in the game is their Patreon specials. Every single month you get a special. So we've got, Early access to these public episodes. And the pièce de résistance, the reason we're the biggest in the game, is their Patreon specials. Every single month you get a special.

So we've done two Go stunts. We've done an uncountable amount of lock-ins. I mean, I could count it if I could be arsed, but I'm not going to do that right now. Been to Nashville for the absolute three-part epic. We've been to Amsterdam. We've done a restaurant special. There's just so much. There's like 25 Patreon specials.

It's the reason we are the biggest Patreon in the UK. And there's a brand new one every single month. And the ones in 2024 that we've got planned are bigger than anything we've ever done before. Go and sign up now at patreon.com slash have a word pod. And even from just three quid a month, you get all of the content. And there's more benefits if you sign up for five or 10 quid.

See it on the other side. Enjoy the episode. We've already recorded it. And it was a other side. Enjoy the episode. We've already recorded it and it was on 4K and Braille, sir. Class. Wag Wag Leeds, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game from the heart of Liverpool

with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only Have A Word. Brought to you by Manscaped, the very best products on the market for below the waist-waist grooming. Go, Ed. Get on me. You don't have to be funny until we're rolling. And now we're rolling.

Bingo. No, Adam, but we've got Tommy Steve. You sure do. Boom. I'm going to get myself a stand-up. Fucking sometimes you've got gotta bring the sub in uh substitute your your main players out right now yeah but we've subbed every minute in ireland self-wounds yeah guinness-based self-wounds yeah but we've subbed in so many times that we were like we need to bring in the new big dogs. Yeah. Who are the new big dogs? Bingo. Rough, rough. That's what I am.

The big dog-a-roon. I'm here to help, Carl. Go for it, Tom. We love you. I'm here to smash it up, but then I've got to go to Peterborough. Peterborough is waiting for me, Dan. Whoa, what a day.

And that is going to be one fun, one third filled theater. Okay? I'm going to tell you right now, there's a guy that knows how to rock a non-sellout. This guy does. And thanks to my two other episodes on Have a Word podcast,

I sold eight extra tickets. Thank you. Thank you, Peter. Have a word. Ding, ding. the start of tom's set is amazing like come and fill these seats ma'am come on keep going fill it what are you doing on the balcony get off there uh peter all right well i'm very glad to have you man very glad to have you we you know we love having you on i know man i even wore my best t-shirt by the way carl noticed it i did i walked in i'm like a girl

i wear something cool i'm waiting for somebody to say something i walked into the green room everybody just shook my hand and nobody noticed you you duck and duck. I mean, that screams funny, doesn't it? Huh? Screams it. And then, Benidorm. This is the kind of merchandise you get. Oh, my God. So I came in prepared.

I got the uniform on, and we're ready to roll. Do you enjoy Benidorm, Tom? Did I enjoy Benidorm? Yeah, dude. It was like adult disneyland man they had like have you been to benidorm have you been to benidorm i went years ago and it seemed like a trashy piece of shit but yeah well it is a trashy piece of shit because men are trashy pieces of shit and what do men want free shots fucking go-go girls dancing in the middle of the fucking high street.

Then me and my daughter, my daughter, okay, my daughter, my 22-year-old daughter loves Benidorm, so she decides to take me. There's me, my son, his girlfriend, my daughter. We're walking down the strip. Thank God Trudy didn't come, because she's like class. She's like the classy one of our family. And so we're all down there.

My daughter won't go into a bar unless she gets three shots for all of us, three shots. So it's 2 in the morning. I'm wasted with my kids. We're sitting there, and all of a sudden, we see Princess Leia roller skate in. And we're like, oh, cool, a Star Wars show. Then we see Darth Vader whip his cock out.

And then we see Princess Leia and Darth Vader 69 in each other. And that's when I realized what a Star Wars geek my son is. He goes, does that girl know that it's just pre-knowing that Darth Vader's her father so we're watching now incest we're watching star wars incest and that's when i couldn't stop spoiler alert i mean there there is a real geek at work there that isn't concentrating on the fact that her bumhole is on his face i i was going whoa, whoa. I instantly went there. Siblings. Yeah, and they get off

of each other in one of the films. What's going on? Why are they all shagging each other? I know. Because the space piece. It's Ben and Dorm. I'll tell you where you won't see that.

What a lovely family holiday. You'll see people 69ing, but it won't be a show. It'll be behind a bin somewhere. You know, and Center Parcs is so expensive. But when are you ever gonna see sci-fi rim jobs you know and that's the problem with center parks isn't it

you're never gonna see we're going to center parks for the weekend admittedly my kids are a little younger than tom's yeah he's living yeah you can't get your kids he's 15 years ahead of me and he's just living this like adult sex holiday dream. I can't wait till me, Etta and Jack, they're like, daddy, should we go to Center Park? Like we did. No. It must be good.

No. And you need to watch this film for the references. Oh, no. It must be good having kids at that age though. Got fun with, like to drink with. How old are your kids, Dan? I haven't kept in touch with your family. I haven't.

It would be so weird if you did. Yeah, that'd be weird. Without contacting me. Do you know who's in my DMs? with your family. I haven't. It would be so weird if you did without contacting me. Do you know who's in my DMs? Tom Stade. Pedo Hunter. Just had me cornered. Came here to meet a 13-year-old girl. Who are these presents from, Tom Stade?

They're Star Wars key ring. My kids are, how old are they? Six and two. I haven't seen them in years. They're six foot two. Yeah, they're six foot two. Laura's on growth hormone through the pregnancy. No, six and two.

About to be, that's just about to turn seven. So, you know, 15 years and then potentially Benadorm's on the cards. Right. If it's still there. Seven years old, though. Is that what I heard? She's just about to turn seven. My son's just like nearly Seven years old, though. Is that what I heard? She's just about turned seven. My son's just like nearly three.

Wow, man. You're like knee deep in learning parenting skills. Yeah. Yes. You've just showed up to Vietnam. That's what's just happened to you. You are in the shit right now. You're like, fucking take cover.

The three-year-oldolds just dropped a bomb on the fucking carpet yeah i'm the guy in the really fresh stuff going sergeant you never call me sergeant get your head down yeah yeah that's i truly believe that man fucking i love the fact my kids are older dad i and i i could talk about them all day because they're fucking retarded yeah oh because they're 20 everybody's 20 at retarded you know and that's a word i enjoy using i know a lot of people are going to complain but i don't care we're not complaining unless it's illegal shut the fuck up don't be retarded bam nailed it Let's go. I need the controversy.

Sell tickets. I'll take it. Hey, that's what Frankie Boyle taught me, man. He was like, man, if you want to get famous, just be controversial, man. If you want to peace people, just stay under the radar. If you want to get famous, say something fucked up, get people's opinion on it and boom dropping and then all of a sudden you create a argument about it you know because they'll be on people on the side of yeah you can say it and then there'll be the woke little monkeys going oh my god that hurt my whatever nothing it hurt nothing it hurt

nothing you heard a word then you go about your day yeah so that's that's what i think but when i talk about like the kids man like they're 20 man they're 20 and you can't tell them nothing you know what i mean you just can't tell them nothing and who's 20 in here harry you 20 they're the closest to 20 you're 21 harry 20 23 yeah look've aged quickly. He looks retarded. I can already tell. But he's probably a cool guy. Because I love 20-year-olds. Because don't think I was in a fucking spaz when I was 20. Of course I was.

Yeah, but Harry's a special case. We went to Bongo's Bingo, and after it, Heather Smalls from MPPool came on. Do you remember, did Heather Smalls make it to Canada? Did MPPool? You know what's funny? Moving on up. Anyway, I don't think Harry was alive

when Heather Smalls was selling records. And when she came on at the end of Bongo's Bingo, we were all just on the smash. It was just normal stuff, too. And Harry was at the front of Bongo's Bingo, we were all just on the smash. It was just a normal staff do. And Harry was at the front, like a 14 year old girl at a Taylor Swift concert. We were just so mesmerized by her. It was the cutest thing ever.

I called her Heather Mills as well. Yeah. On the way home to me, you went, Oh that's- You went, Finn, Finn, I touched Heather Mills leg today. Not many people have done that no what are the odds

I touched it in the other room she didn't know that's amazing Harry so you had a crush on old chicks I mean she wasn't that old was she she's in her 40s yeah to you she is that's a cougar coming, was she? Yeah, she's in her 40s. Yeah, to you she is. Yeah, she looked good though.

That's a cougar coming at you. She was like touching everyone's arms. I was like, I don't know. And I was dancing with all the girls. Was she touching hands? Or were you just touching legs? I was touching stuff. Don't touch stuff.

I just touched Heather Mills' biff. Bam. Are they cool 20-year-olds though? Are they cool 20-year-olds, though? Are they cool 20-year-olds? They're so cool. They're so cool. They were raised by me, Dan. Of course they're cool.

Of course they're cool. We got, yeah, yeah, like, fucking, I mean, I start, I love when kids get a parent like me, because I'm not strict, you know what I mean? Like, I can remember, like, back in the day, like, if I came home on drugs, I'd be in a lot of trouble, you know what i mean like i can remember the like back in the day like if i came home on drugs i'd be in a lot of trouble you know what i mean like everybody would be like whoa man in the day huh on saturday yeah i got but yeah on saturday he got in trouble for that yeah but not from my parents yeah oh i'm talking like when i was a kid if i come home on drugs now

my kids go out and be like like, shut the fuck up. Shut up. Fucking I'm the money man, buddy. I'm your dealer. Yeah. That's the time I should take. Next time I roll in too late off my fucking biscuits head, I should be like, shut up, Laura.

I'm your dealer. I'm the money man. I'm the money man. What's that? What's the knife for, babe? Man, I'll give you some parenting skills. Okay. I remember the first time my son dropped LSD, man. Him and his buddies.

And this is always, everybody has this illusion that kids wait until they're like 20 years old. Like, you think about your own childhood. The first time you did anything, okay? Like, Carl, when was the first time you drank? We'll do something easy like that. 14. 14. Bingo, man. Same as these kids, right?

So I remember the first time, and I'm not under any illusion that when you're living in Scotland, like, just living there means you want to do drugs because it's cold and boring. But they all came in, and they all came in on acid and all that shit, and I knew they were, man. At 14?

Yeah, well, I don't know what they were. They definitely were. I don't even know what the legal age of acid is. It is what it is. Like, I don't know. Guys! I don't think there is. You wait until you're 14.

You can't do acid at 13. That's illegal. What, are you crazy? You wait six months, I'll put it in your birthday cake. Happy birthday. You want to know what a real space cake is? Try this. Droppity, droppity, droppity, droppity, droppity dropity drop calling the caterpillar keeps growing

they came in and i swear to god one of my biggest tactics was because i i was also a little older and i didn't like a lot of kids in my place do you know what i mean because it because because i was so uh lenient i didn't want my place to also be a drug hut for like all the kids just to come over because mr stage cool he'll let us do drugs the cops i'd be like this really creepy old man yeah all the kids are just downstairs doing drugs um what i used to do, though, is I used to, when I got tired of them, and you'd know this, Gareth, you'd know this,

I used to go down while they were doing drugs and do them with them. And then that would embarrass my son because their dad is down there and all the kids would be, like, not wanting to talk because this old guy is there. And then they would all scatter and leave. And I'd walk up to my gal and go, they're gone. I'm high. Let's watch a movie.

Boom. That is a parenting tip, by the way, from Tom Steele. It's like looking into this wonderful future. The kids are on drugs. I'll sort that out. Get me the drugs. What are you doing? What are you doing? Your options for your GCSEs? What are you choosing?

Wow. Oh that's so beautiful. It is beautiful. It is. Because we're living in new times wouldn't you say? I mean if we're talking that kind of talk, man. I mean, 14, I reckon 14 is an age where you don't have to, if you come down and your eight-year-olds are like racking up lines. That's a little scary. Something's gone wrong, isn't it?

I think 14 is the point where. For drinking. But also for like. For what? The opposite sex, isn't it? Oh, no, I's gonna be like drugs oh right yeah yeah he just went to pedophilia no not for you dad actually no no i mean i've given her drugs um no like drinking and girls is like yeah 14 15. As long as you're 14 and 15. Yeah, of course.

You know, like if you're drinking and drugs, 14 on 14 and 15 on 15. Yeah, yeah. Totally. If Ed's just 14 and he's a 33-year-old Amazon delivery driver. Nah. We're in a whole different level of. Then you become an Amazon delivery driver.

Yeah. If I went downstairs and saw another 33 year old doing it with them I'd be like

what the fuck are you doing one of these kids better be yours yeah Tom just got a little bit

strict today you yeah I started talking to girls and drinking in the park

at 14 that was what you're doing I bet you were younger. Drinking? Yeah.

No. Really, yeah? No. It's half Muslim, though. It's about the same, like, yeah, 15. Wales, though, innit? When was your first weed, Finlay? 16.

Oh! I was quite late to it. Late bloomer. Considering, yeah. Who'd you do it with, and how did they get you to do it because the first time you ever smoke a joint is the scariest time because you don't know what you most of the time like they drill in uh don't do drugs don't do drugs don't do drugs you know and that's like your commercials and all that but then you got that one friend that's got that joint and they go so you want to smoke this what were you thinking when he

passed it to you finn i was kind of uh showing off but it was it was boys and girls there was like 12 of us we'd gone to we'd gone and taken like a couple of disposable barbecues to a river um by a castle which is wales um so we went to ned cheering song yeah we went to this river and then one of the lads um twisted his ankle and was crying so much we got an air ambulance and then after that everyone was like oh we're dead stressed and one of the lads was like i got something that'll sort the sort the stress out. Because we just had to deal with an air ambulance. We were all carrying him on a stretcher. Huh? Was it a therapist?

Yeah, yeah. Was it Tom Stade? It was better help. Air ambulances are scary, guys. I know. So I was just like, yeah, I'll try it. In for a penny. We went and had a KFC after.

It was the nicest KFC I've ever had. Once again, Finn whenever finn does memory lane it always ends up batshit that could have been yeah yeah we we just smoked weed by a river but it included an air ambulance for almost no reason really when did you first buy drugs for yourself buy drugs like weird for yourself oh when did you go i want some of that for me 18 i used to be like the the shitty guy of being like i'll get some my mate to do it for me and i'd be like i'll give you the money you go and sort it and i'll give you a joint from it yeah so i was like 80 yeah when i went to uni i think and it was a child it was in salford it was a 12 year old on a bike that came and met me oh that's all

12 year old who'd stolen an air ambulance every time finn does drugs as an air ambulance get off my helipad dropping drugs off an air ambulance for finn yeah there was a little kid he was like 12 is that like what's that called county lines is it when you have the kids doing no i mean No, I mean, yeah, it is. But that's usually from Manchester or Liverpool down the coast. If it's actually in Salford, it's more like his front garden.

Is that right? County lines is apparently, apparently. Okay. Where like city drug dealers send fucking teenage lads on the trains down the coast of North Wales or into small towns to basically get all the kids on drugs and they're fucking hard as fuck,

Salford 15-year-olds, selling drugs to like getting 14-year-olds from fucking Klandidno in debt. And it's pretty bad, man. Like child soldiers. That's way better than a paper route. I would have taken that job. Yeah, you're getting some fucking cash.

Like some drug dealer go, do you want to go to Klandeckendukendakken? I mean, you know what? It's wrong, but it's not a million miles off. That's not how you say Klandeckendukendakken. You fucking dick. Klandeckendakken. When did you first buy drugs for yourself?

When I was 29. What? No, I'm terrible with dealers I've avoided it like I will still try and avoid it now I don't know what it is I get too polite

and prim and proper I don't know what it is to appeal less because I just yeah yeah yeah like hello how are you and they're like

dude just buy the drugs and fuck off lovely is this a Vauxhall Astra lovely how many miles on this I've really can I have a receipt buy the drugs and fuck off. Lovely. Is this a Vauxhall Astra? Lovely, how many miles on this? I've really, can I have a receipt? They, yeah, they don't, I don't click with drug dealers.

They're just, I'm not good at being like, yeah, all right, yeah, safe, safe, safe. You know, if I ever, if I ever, if someone gives me a number for drugs, I start putting spelling mistakes in the text to them on purpose. So I don't seem like a narc. What?

In my head. I can't use a semi-colon, you'll ring the cops. In my head, I perfectly spell, like, if it's a Scouse drug dealer, I'll be like, I use a bow and, like, spell it how it sounds. You never use an Oxford commas. Literally. Hello, lovely afternoon. I wonder if you could brave the traffic and do a little bit of a drop off i'll have two drugs please i also don't know like if you've never used them before you don't know what

they want it to like their lingo is their lingo because i remember one douchebag was like yeah just ask for tickets you're like right cool so're like, just let me know what you want, but just say, I'm after two tickets if you've got any spare. So you'd be like, all right, cool. And then you're like, as you're writing it, you're like, I don't. But then what, does he like Nickelbacks,

like cocaine or something? Yeah, can I get VIP? I'm looking for a suite. How would you ask for, I don't know, MDMA? Yeah. I love that too, by the way. I love the code lingo, like the cops are on the other side of the phone going,

what are tickets? Yeah, this guy sells a lot of tickets. He gets done for being a tout and they find about four kilograms of cocaine in his room. This guy's scalping a lot of tickets we came here for arctic monkeys tickets and we've come away with a fucking drugs bust yeah i'm i'm not good at it so if ever a mate will be like oh yeah i've got a number i'll just be like could you do it then thank you so i don't fucking ruin it by being good afternoon lovely to see you.

Oh, you've brought your child with you. How nice, a family endeavour. They used to... I don't think they do that that much anymore, though. From what I know of the kids now, you don't really have to go under a bridge. I remember Mason telling me when he used to go by drugs it was a guy my age and he did have two kids in the back of the car all the time we'd all go because

because it's the front right whatever the kids and mason would get it and we always used to laugh at that going and i'm a bad parent so but i don't think they do that anymore. I think you buy them on the internet. I just remembered something from when you lived in Wolverhampton and I came to pick you up. It's when I lived in Nottingham. This is fucking years ago. This is like 15 years ago.

I picked you up and we were chatting away and you were like, oh, I've got this really cool dealer. He comes round, he's dead friendly and everything. And and i was like i don't know if having a dealer know where you live is always the best idea because what if they get in shit what if they get in trouble and their only way of recuperating money is to just be like i'll tell you who's got a nice telly yeah and we were driving he was like and you were like so what do you do dan i was like i usually meet them somewhere and we do like that so they don't know where i live and he was like that seems fucking sensible now i'm thinking about it that does seem sensible sensible but inconvenient it's raining it's raining dude dude you know what they do now? You know what the funniest part? When they do deliver, they use a Just Eat.

They put it in Just Eat boxes, so they look like they're delivery drivers now. Because when they show up at my door, like, man, Tom's ordering a lot of food this week. Like, boom. They put it in like uh uh whatever just eat pizza box and all that sort of stuff all right to cover it up because they go to that many houses and all that sort of stuff and i thought when i first saw that i was

like wow that's actually like you know like that felt like the right move if you are going to be a drug mule to go and do that deliveroo deliveroo you bet and i'm like i'm like how come we didn't do that how come it took that long to figure that out i feel that that that's the drug equivalent of luggage then wheels on luggage you know what i mean like which came in very late, by the way. Yeah. Yeah, loads later than you'd think. When do you think that came in, Dan? Wheels on luggage?

1998. Stop it. Stop it. No way, man. All right, what he wants me to say. 1873. No, 1972. 1972.

You did the thing that all women do when they go, go on, guess how much I spent on this outfit. And then you go, I don't know, 24 quid. They're like, fuck you. You're meant to say three grand. And then I say 75. Wow. It's 1972.

Before that, people had big arms. Yeah, just carrying them. Yeah. And the wheel was invented. Yeah, thanks to the wheels, now everybody's fat. Great, thanks, thanks. I like. Yeah. Thanks to the wheels, now everybody's fat. Great. Thanks. Thanks.

I like the one you get for the kids, like a roller trunky thing. They sit on it. Yeah, they sit on it and just whazz them around and then hope for a slight hill and just fucking let them go. But not unfits in the suitcase, does it? You what? Not unfits inside them suitcases.

It's a token suitcase for like toys and stuff. Yeah. It's all good. Going through airports. Fuck that. token suitcase for like toys and stuff yeah it's all good my girl airports fuck that my gal just bought because she bought like we just started this tour she bought she got a big duffel bag but didn't have wheels on it so she bought like an extra thing to put wheels on it do you know what i mean like you can buy now little accessories right yeah yeah in case you're dumb enough to buy a bag that doesn't have wheels doesn't have wheels

you can cut out the middleman with that yeah you can that's sometimes i go well if you were a man i'd probably say something because you're the woman i love and i want to fuck you every night i'll go that's a smart idea you've just done there. Smart idea for flying, by the way. Buy a duffel bag. I've got a big North Face one. It's the size of a suitcase, but it's got back straps on it.

So I just wear that on the plane. So I get two suitcases. How big are we talking? It's a very large bag. Like, can we fit hockey equipment in it? If anyone was asked, they'd be like, dude, you've got a cricket bag on your back. But it does what I've been through, many an airport with it.

No one checks. It's at least 25 liters, that bag. What? Minimum. No, I think it's 35. Oh, it's a large bag. How do you get that on there, Carl? How do you fit that in the little like when they go uh how

big's your bag can you try and fit this in your little newspaper you get priority so you've already checked in before you get there so you have to see no people you just walk on the plane no one cares you get an extra bag for free don't pay for bags just do that okay are we doing that this weekend by the way i'm doing it this weekend yeah don't pay for bags just Just do that. Okay. Are we doing that this weekend, by the way? I'm doing it this weekend, yeah. Don't pay for bags. Just walk on the plane with your bags. Nobody cares. The staff there don't give a fuck.

Really, man? Really. I'm going to try that, Carl. And not only am I going to try it, I'm just going to put newspaper in the bag on my first run just to make sure that in case I go, Carl, set me up. That was fucking bad.

Have a word. Check your big bag in. They're like, wait. And then you walk in with another big bag. Okay. I'm going to... Carl, I'm totally going to do that. I've done it around the world.

It works. Do it for Peterborough. Are you flying? Yeah. Yeah. I got to catch it out of John Lennon Airport. Heading down to PBX. Where's the tour?

You're in Peterborough tonight. You've done the first half of the tour. I think you're on the same schedule as Adam because he's done his autumn half. I follow you all over the place. Yeah. Or you follow me. We've done the same little-

Totally, totally. Yeah, yeah. You see the poster up like, ah, time is coming. You know what? My favorite one was, I think it was Chorley. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you remember Chor chorley it was a tiny little theater i love it you know what the funniest part it wasn't even a theater it was like

a room was it chorley it was like there's a bar and then you go into another room and it's uh it's not like a theater kind of thing but it what was that one garrett the one that the kasabian singer was coming after us yeah yeah i oh come on no it was like up north carlisle carlisle yeah it had a bar little place and it's the old fire station in carlisle yeah which is one hey if you're from cumbria or anywhere near Carlisle, go and have a look at the old fire station in Carlisle. The guy that owns that and runs it is so fucking sound. It's such a great room. It's one of the best nights of the tour. And there is an element,

we've talked about it here before, where you turn up to somewhere like Carlisle where not everyone can be arsed going to, where they're like, mate, thanks for coming to Carlisle. And that venue was great. What happened with Kazabian? Oh, no, no, no. This is where I felt like, oh, thanks for coming to Carlisle. And that venue was great. What happened with Kazabian? Oh, no, no, no. This is where I felt like, oh, we're moving up, man.

Because, like, me, I'm going, ooh, Dan's here. Ooh, Adam's here. Ooh, Tom's here. And then my first question is already, how many tickets they sell, man? Am I more popular than these two guys? And you guys are more popular than these two guys? And you guys are more popular. But anyways, I mean, Carla, but yeah, when I saw it,

I was like, oh my God, I'm moving up in the world. If I'm watching, like, when I'm watching somebody move down in the world, obviously, because unless you're like doing a practice gig or something like that. Cause Kasabians. Yeah, they split up. Oh shit.

Tommy, it was naughty. He was a bad man. Oh, he's the lead singer who's a bit of a. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Where else you going? Let's do a little tour before the break.

We've got it here. Yeah, where am I not going? You barely have a day off, Tom. You don't have a day off. You've got like 30 shows left. No, where am I playing anyways? I think I'm everywhere. Hang on, speed round it.

Absolutely everywhere. The next few weeks, Peterborough, Cambridge, Colchester, Cleethorpes, Norwich, Salford, Stafford, Lincoln, Helmsley, Bradford, Newcastle, Radlick, Cardiff, Worcester, Salisbury. Salisbury,

Salisbury, Bath, Barnard Castle. Yeah. How's that one said? Alnwick. Alnwick. Inverness, Aberdeen, Port... Oh. Portaloose.

Portaloose. That one. Portaloose. Omar, Belfast, Galloway, Dublin, Shirley, Kendall, North, Allerton, Redditch, Ivy Bridge, Tiverton, Barnstaple, Tunbridge Wells, ending it on a 17th of March in Southend. Bam! Thank you, man.

You are on the road. With Gareth Murcha every day. Yeah, I'm hanging out with my buddy. That's my boy over there. And Trudy with you for the whole tour. Is she with you? You bet. She's my personal assistant. Oh, she loves that.

Trudy because she books our hotels, yeah, and she adds a little bit of class to our tour because she's that awesome of a person. But she's also a bit of a backseat driver, which I don't like. I don't like it when she's like, every time I almost kill her, she freaks out. Okay?

I just don't like that. Mate, Laura puts her foot through. She's like a passenger. You can see her brake foot going. You're like, chill out, babe. I haven't killed her yet. That's what I always say. I've done hundreds of thousands of miles, not one accident,

but you're still freaking out on me. And you know what? It's an affront to a man's ego. Absolutely it is. It really, really is. And every time I'm like, Trudy, can we just assume we're going to make it there without an accident? Because I think, watch this, Dan.

I think when you freak out while I'm driving, that's when the accident's going to happen. Because I'm concentrating on this. And then you say, watch out. And then I look away. You can already see the oncoming lorry. Yeah. Thanks, Trude. My first accident. And you're going to blame fucking hits me. Can already see the oncoming lorry. Yeah. Thanks, Trude, my first accident,

and you're gonna blame it on me. Yeah, no, I'm the same. But she goes, hey, I go, don't do that, because that's going to make me crash. I don't want to crash, so I'm gonna do everything that I can to not do that. You don't have to go, hey, hey, because that's gonna make me.

Where can we find tour tickets for for tom tomstays.com oh mate yeah tomstays.com that's cool that little tom flick yeah tom flicks is all the all your bits on youtube but you just released a special haven't you yeah and listen yeah i've my best album yet man the high road just came out like just came out and it's on your network spotify spotify it's going audio going audio it can be the it can be you know it can be the soundtrack to your car crash yeah it will be by the way because you'll be laughing so hard i want to say the album is getting lost by the way this is what i because back in the old times let's go back to when we were 14 and 15 do you remember uh being in a car or in your bedroom

with somebody smoking that joint and listening to an album yeah carl and just listening for the air ambulance yeah in a castle we should just stream albums are gone it's all playlists now isn't it yeah I'm going I'm bringing it back man I'm going I'm gonna bring the album back because it's way funner I was I was just listening to a whole bunch of other people's albums it's way funner listening to it and doing shit around whatever, housework and all that shit. Like, that's how old I am now. Used to be with my buddy smoking joints.

Now I'm like, let's listen to a comedy album and do the dishes before the wife gets home. Fucking hang those up. She'll be so proud of you. Who's your favorite comedy album? Tom, I told you not to smoke in the house. What? Who's your favorite comedy album? Uh-huh. Who's your favorite comedy album? Tom, I told you not to smoke in the house. What? Who's your favourite comedy album?

Uh-huh. Who's your favourite comedy album? Oh, my favourite. Well, I got three top ones. Sam Kinison, Louder Than Hell. Patrice O'Neill, Elephant In The Room. And Doug Stanhope, Working Class Hero. Nice.

Oh, my God. Those three. I'm always dark comic, man. Yeah. I was like pushing the line. Like, that's my favourite favorite i don't like i don't like the nicey nice but you know what i mean i mean i get it and it's subjective i always got to say that man comedy is subjective so you go if you're a nice nice person go see nice nice people

but don't get on my fucking case when you come to my show and all of a sudden, you know, I'm making fun of your L-shaped beef because you just shaved it with your man shaver. And everybody can see it. That reference is coming. That reference is coming, by the way. If you've just gone, I've missed that reference. That advert is coming. It'll make it funnier when you watch the Manscaped advert.

Oh, you've shot an advert? That I think should be now. Yeah, Carl, put the Manscaped advert. Right, we're going to have a break and we're going to do a Manscaped advert. Oh, my God. Right, let's have a break. And here we are in the second section with old Tamith Day.

And we've got little Finley Cupboard Love. Hello. The air ambulance himself. We've got some correspondence. We've got some correspondence. Carl, do you want to kick us off with your little, we've got some... Question.

Oh shit. We've got what? Some... Question. Just how many... Questions. We've only got one so it's just one one question question great got one question and a bit of uh uh some other correspondence so this is from john barkley and it's a comedy question um hi lids are there any

unwritten rules among stand-ups or things that are frowned upon in the industry and have you seen any of these comics break the have you seen any comics break these rules yeah you're not allowed to finger you're not allowed to finger another comedian oh well that's also up for debate i mean you don't want to like if it's me and dan you came and said tom do you want me to finger you i wouldn't go oh my god get me a cab i'd be like fucking all right this is the only way the bristol bristol junglers is good what's the question again so can i ask the unwritten rules unwritten rules of the second so i'm guessing a lot of it would be nicking material that's just that's obvious yeah that's is there anything about bringing people on is there any rules of do you know when you're bringing someone on is there stuff you're not allowed to say oh wow you know what i have never really because i

hate rules number one let's start there no comedians don't like rules isn't overrunning as an mc overrunning and then bringing someone on and go what the fuck you doing you've just done 15 i mean if you want to be popular as an MC, do your time, do a really good job, do a little bit of crowd work and a little bit of material. And most comics will think you're great. Yeah. If you go on and do 25 minutes,

which I've done, of crowd stuff, really playful and like, it's like, it's literally like being a teacher that just goes in and just revs a class up and then goes, and guess who's got the second half of this class? You, yeah, I've seen that before. I don't know if it's an unwritten rule though,

or if it's like- I think it is an unwritten rule. It's like an etiquette thing that I think good comics know the difference, but when you're young and you come through, you don't know, and you go, oh, I'm really good with a crowd. I saw two acts, I think it was like the Cardiff Glee, two acts that you would never assume like the Cardiff Glee,

two acts that you would never assume knew each other or worked together before. I don't know if they did. And the older act bollocked them in the dressing room. Who was it? Name and shame, buddy. That's the funnest part. The thing is... I bleeped them?

There's no point bleeping it. But it's heavy-handed to bollock someone. But I knew exactly what they meant. It's 25 minutes of nonsense where at one point they went, oh, get up and show everyone your thing. And like, it's fine. It's playful, but it's not good comparing. It will be frowned upon.

No, because the compare, it's not supposed to be the compare show. The compare is there to warm that crowd up it shouldn't be that you know mr mc for 25 minutes and there's a whole bunch of different reasons why it shouldn't go on times are there because comedians don't just do one gig a night times are there because they have to run if you're on third and you got to make it over to the banana club or whatever that's fucking 40 minutes away and and some mc drops a bomb and does an extra 10 minutes that means you not only fuck that show up you had a butterfly effect of screwing up a million different shows so that's yeah i would even if no one's dublin and even if no one's dublin if if the compair does 20 and the first act does half

an hour you are eating into the attention span of a drunk crowd on a saturday night for the last guy who is the best act of the night unless you are booking your gig in a stupid way yeah the best act of the night you got tammy on that you best act of the night, you've got Tommy on. You know what I mean? If you've got a crowd that have just been revved up and their concentration span has gone, the night's gone long, you're ruining it for the best act of the night.

It's meant to build. You hear that, Gareth? I said do 20. What are the other unspoken rules? If you're a new comedian, do not sit at the fucking front of a gig you're on at. I cannot believe that this is something that other comics have to tell you.

If you're on, or if you've been on, you're at the back. You're meant to be out of sight. If you're an act who goes on stage, does well, I remember Willie Robo doing this. Willie Robo. There's a stage name. And then sitting with some girls who were having

like a girl's night out and he was like hey do you remember me and sat with them and sort of didn't concentrate well the next act was on you're like bad con wait a sec are you saying dan that the the guy went on yeah and then came off yeah and then sat in the front he came off and then in the interval in the interval was like hey do you remember me and they were like oh yeah yeah yeah you did well i'm totally gonna do that i'm totally gonna rip it in the first half they come out and sit there and go hey dad how you doing you saw me right fucking awesome i was awesome wasn't i yeah i agree with you though Danny I want to think of I've got a question

What is the rules on walking off? Because Tom, you won't remember this gig You've done thousands of gigs You're the only comedian I've ever seen walk off a stage And it was perfectly justified in my opinion It was at the Frog I was in uni so it was like 2018 okay and there was people there was a group of girls chatting the whole way through oh and you're about 10 minutes

into your set and you just went you know what fuck you i'm off yeah what happens then with like paying do they still pay you or is it kind of like all depends if they like you finley yeah like they love me so they the thing here's the thing here's the thing with that is if over your career you've ripped it every night everybody fucking sees you rip it every night and then there's a those few nights that you're like going you know what fucking it's over you know no there's no crowd control like in a, you know what I mean? Like, a club needs to have a little bit of crowd control. You need to have somebody walk up and go,

look, there's other people here that have paid a lot of money to come and see you. And this... Girls are the worst, by the way. I'm going to tell you that right fucking now. I remember doing one... we taped one show and i said could the we put not please put the girls up in the front because i know they're gonna fuck it up and they sure as fuck they did because drunk girls sorry sorry i'm saying it drunk girls in

the front row not great because they're sexy, it's their world and you're taken away from them and also Willie Robo's sat next to them yeah, Willie Robo's, finger in them unwritten rule unwritten rule but if you rock it Finley, if you rock it and they know you're

a killer and that happens every now and then, nobody gives a shit you know what I mean, nobody gives a shit you know what i mean nobody gives a shit even though i think you should do your time but just that night whatever happened happened but if you're constantly if you're doing it on a like nobody thinks you're that great and then you walk off after 10 minutes yeah fuck you you're not gonna see that guy no no but tom stayed you know come on i imagine you don't walk very often no no i've i've not done my time once to the frog yeah in all my life and you if they never you you know something's gone wrong if on monday morning you get a phone call

that's that's the time when it's obviously, there's been enough of a ripple effect that it's made it back into the office and management have gone, I'm going to ask what happened. And I walked at 14 minutes, went, this is unplayable. This was about probably a year after this night. It was just before lockdown

and I didn't get a phone call because all of the staff that saw it went, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was just so bad. The police were called in the next section. What about stepping on material? Is that a thing? What happens if you know? Premise killer.

Like the next act's got something that you do. How do you work that out? Premise killers. I don't like premise killers. I don't like people that hit a topic just for a little bit when you know you've got like an eight-minute piece on it, and they come up and they just drop like a one-liner, and all of a sudden, now that they've mentioned it,

yours isn't special anymore. So, yeah. But that's irritating, but there's no rules about that. I know it is, but it's one of my pet peeves, man. You'd come across as a ball, but the most likable, chilled-out comic turns up and goes, but there's no rules about that is there i know it is but you'd come across as a ball like the most what like likable chilled out comic turns up and goes you killed the premise there yeah yeah man hey willie go back to fingering yeah but would you never say don't do something about this and

before just because i've got a big bit so just don't apparently they used to back in the day there are too many comics doing too many things now i don't think you can police that anymore um i think i think you can say don't do that material if you're on your own tour you know like if i was sitting if gareth decides to do his cock sucking bit like which is great i got a big big one on like eight minutes actually it's 13 minutes i get i get an audience member on and it's pretty full on okay by the way i'm not gay it's just a bit yeah okay it's prop comedy but gareth had the same bit but he only did his cocksucking for five minutes you know what i mean so i said you got to drop that but i think if you're on the circuit if you get to the stage first then that's your bit you know what I mean that like if you get to the stage and then

you do we mean you are doing kind of we got the same kind of bit if you're on first you get I have to drop mine for sure or now I don't drop it and go thought that one was good there's definitely been instances of people doing their similar bit in front of someone because they know they've got their bit just because there's a bit of bad blood. Yeah. But it's very hard to prove. You can be like, you're a cunt.

And they'd be like, what? Because it isn't a rule. If you're on first, you do your set. Unless you've nicked it, and then it's a different problem. And that's even harder to do now man because because i don't think i think i think jokes now are like songs you know what i mean and chords it's very rare that i'll see an absolute new premise from somebody what i will see is a premise told in his way that obviously will be similar to somebody's out there. So you don't even know.

It's too big. Yeah, you don't even know if a person steals anymore or that they just thought. The only way you could say is if it was line for line. You know what I mean? Like sometimes if it's line for line then you can but talk about the dna of a joke where you're like it's too similar yeah brendan reese had one the same as me man the same as me in 2019 i had a nice little bit about homophobia that you can't diagnose

homophobia you know what i mean like i don't get it, right? Because the bit was, like, arachnophobia. You can diagnose arachnophobia. You know, but you can't diagnose homophobia. It's not the same thing. Like, you don't see arachnophobias getting hammered and going, hey, let's go find some spiders to kick the fuck out of. You know, it's like, you know what I mean? Like, right?

Whereas homophobia, they're like, know they're that's like you're terrified of spiders but homophobia is the other way you don't sit there and go you know there's one over there put a glass on him get him out of my house oh my god he's dancing right and and you know and brendan reese had kind of the same thing hi brendan but but mine was in 2019 and he wouldn't have known that do you know what i mean he would not have known that so when i saw then somebody and then you get that call you get that call that somebody hey do you know that this guy and i'm like dude i don't even acknowledge that anymore because it's just too vast now you know and and and and the other thing is carl like audience members don't care only you care you know like only you give a shit right a few bitchy comics yeah yeah but

then again if you if you do it the do you find the comics police themselves, Dan? I think comics police themselves. Yeah, I think there's some, but you've gotta have a level of sort of, you've gotta be rated popular. Mick's pulled me up on a couple of bits over the years. Mick, who's on later, really, I think, early doors with me, decided he liked me and played the big brother role when I was getting a bit too big for

my boots took me aside a couple of times you got to stop doing that like he gave me some brilliant advice when i was getting really a little like before when you know you go on you around too much a gig he pulled me over and went it's too long man you're comparing set it up and he he didn't do it behind my back he didn't about it he waited for me to come on stage and then just pulled me to the side and went, that's too long. Right. You've got to set this room up.

It's not about what you're doing. And I went, yep, totally. If it had been someone I didn't respect or like, I'd have been like, who's this cunt? Maybe I would, maybe I wouldn't. I remember you saying that to me. With Mick, you don't do that because you respect him and like, yeah.

Yeah, he's OG. Yeah, I get that. I get that. So yeah, i think comics so definitely the audience members don't care they just don't they just they're just there to have a good time right they're hey you're like for an audience member i always you always think that they're like oh they're on comedy audiences are so comedy savvy it's not that we've got some we've got some real comedy fans on watching this i agree

i agree with that but for the most part when i go to a comedy show it's like hey babe i got this like say i'm going on a date hey babe let's go have a laugh because i want to get in your pants or the girl's like hey bud i want to i want to let's go to a comedy show and laugh and sit in the front row with the opener and it'll be great. You know, like, that's what I think they do. They don't go home. No one's going to go home. Tom, stop fingering me for a second. Hang on, is that a Rod Gilbert premise

that I've just seen on stage? Get your fingers out of my biff. I'm going on fucking shortle. In the majority, it's not really comedy-savvy audiences. No, they're just there to have a good time and a laugh because that's what it's there for. And I think that's what I mean by getting back to comedians can take it too seriously and forget that they're just here on a night, man.

They're not. If I stole somebody else's act completely the only people that would care would be comedians if i stole somebody's act completely and rocked it with it they would add the best night in the world and they wouldn't go like you say going oh that's a rod gilbert's bit yeah when freddie qu did his first gig, or one of his first gigs, and did a Jim Jefferies set. Yeah. Killed it.

I remember that night. I've talked about it. He killed it in the room. Yeah. I was sat at the start, just beat the frog. I think it was like, must have been one of his first four gigs. Yeah.

And I walked on stage and went, great, did you enjoy that? And everyone was like, whoa. And I went, he's ripped off a whole Jim Jefferies, that was all Jim Jefferies stuff. And they were like boo me also I'd been there long enough

exactly what you were saying before about walking off and having the respect of a club I was like you can boo me all you want but that is out of order and if he does it again who did that? Freddie Quinn and then afterwards i got off

and then we called the break and i went to find a young still fat freddie quinn and i went over and he went and he went because he's got wheels on his luggage twice fat he went like he went i'm so sorry i didn't know i was like well this like there's there's rules. And I know that disability bit that you did. It's a Jim Jefferies bit. And he went, yeah, it is. It's my favorite bit. That's why I thought I'd do it. So he was doing a tribute act.

Yeah. But he'd never been to a stand-up night. He didn't know the rules. Oh, this is early doors. This is literally one of his first three gigs. And then he never did it again. And now he's a fucking great comic. Yeah, he's awesome.

I didn't know that. But do you think that's that do you so you're allowed a few get out of jail free cards when you're young when you're new when you're new yeah i can see that yeah yeah yeah do you know i actually think if you're talking about unwritten rules i know this has gone on a long time there's something about a dressing room where i feel like there are so many unwritten rules the stage is a bit more difficult and complicated material and people's sets and timings and everything but etiquette around a dressing room like if you're on there is a limit of how many people you can bring in that dressing room before you're being a dick you're allowed to bring your missus yeah you're allowed to bring a mate once you're on a second mate and there's three of you for the one comic you are and then all of a sudden you're fucking be second mate and there's three of you for the one comic you are

and then all of a sudden you're fucking bezos in the fridge going oh shit are these free you're like i'm so guilty of that by the way oh you've got the entourage oh yeah the montagreen rooms oh dad you would hate me man some nights i'd walk into the comedy store there'll be like five people with me and i'm like i'm like going well they're my agent so what you gonna do who brought your fucking dad here and it's some kid trying to be funny in the green room and everyone's just trying to be chilled yeah i'll be i'll be funny in the hot water dressing room which is basically like a green you're dead you're there your dad means like your own cool friend who's like hey oh you're done yeah like you it's like you imagine you brought your dad in he's trying to be all funny but he's not

yeah it's bringing your friend and he's trying to like play the room and you're like what there you go tom you're learning scouse i am learning i feel like i've had four years hey gareth you're my da what's up da you see i think i'm gonna figure out how to say tom's your da yeah i can speak scouts to a gcse standard um i'm gonna throw da around all day today shall we do some confessions should we let tom uh listen to the jingle and see what he thinks of it there you go okay what's the's the jingle? This is the confession jingle. You need some pills, Tom?

Oh, okay. We'll get the drugs. I hate putting earphones on. I always feel like that 17-year-old on a bus that's just a dick. No, you'll like this. Okay. Very Indian. Oh, now we're dropping it.

Oh, it's a sneaky one. I'm saddened to do this without headphones. It's so lame. You know what he says here when we play jingles at the age of... How can you tell? This is my robot 80. Fucking dad. Oh, sweet.

Yeah, that's cool. Did you do that yourself, Finlay? No, I did not do that. And you call yourself a musician. No, no. Boo. Boo. Lovely, by the way.

Love it. Whoever did that, sweet. Sweet. And that's coming from the heart for me. You're my da. Yeah, it was a listen. You know yeah I'm saying duh buddy you so you thought I still don't know what the lid is by the way like I get you guys always say lid so lids a contraction of lad which is like a contraction of lag you so if you I mix it you could say like hello mate right hello

we'd say hello lad and lid is a contraction of lab so it just means like that a lid oh so it's so a but no it's you can't pronounce it properly no it's it's just a it's just the next like level of it just just the evolution of it yeah oh okay so no more lid no more lad you would never say lad no we would but like lid's just the thing that we say here i think we were initially when lid became so the reason me and adam found it funny is because it's so scouse it's gone from like all right let like lad has become so ridiculously scouse like lid but i don't think any self-respecting scouser is going around like lit, like in real life. No, we'd say it's out the light.

What's up, lads? Yeah, Adam called one of his one-man shows Lid in La Vida Loca, and I thought it was the funniest, stupidest thing I'd ever heard. That's your dad? Yeah. I second that emotion. So lids are our listeners.

I get that. Oh, I get that. I get the lids are, listeners i get that oh i get that i get the lids are but i never wanted to ever like why why lids like because they wear hats we also have a few daz a few daz and then usually in the comments thank you for clearing that up sensei carol welcome tom okay right we've got a confession okay keep anonymous please for the sake of my life. If my brother sees this, he'll kill me because he loves grandma. So basically, for the last couple of years, if I go to pick my dog up or drop something off at my grandma's,

I move random objects in her kitchen from one side to the other, vice versa. This has always been quite funny because it's my little secret, and when she brings it up in front of everyone, I just go, oh, grandma, you're losing little secret and when she brings it up in front of everyone i just go oh grandma you're losing it well she lost it i stuck her washing up brush to the top of the cooking vent she got on a she got on a chair to stand on it to pull it off uh fucking hell this is bad english here uh no offense no actually offense the person that wrote this well she well she lost it i stuck her washing up brush to the top that wrote this. Well, she lost it. I stuck her washing up brush to the top of the cooking vent. She got

a chair to stand on to try and pull it off. She fell off the chair, hit her head on the counter, and has died. I feel terrible. Should I tell my family to end the guessing of what she was doing, or should I keep this secret

cause YOLO? Totally keep that a secret. How many times do we have to say the confessions are not about you admitting it? Now I have to call the cops. I have to call the cops now. Guys, can we all meet? Well, I just think it's time for a family meeting.

I killed Nana. You fucking keep this to yourself you stupid why you trying to make it feel like she's losing it that's so sad yeah yeah I mean what my washing scrub was over on the I swear to God I put it here yesterday that's so sad

I get it but maybe his grandma was cool with him right like so they had a laugh that way but just taking it that like now it's not just moving shit and her walking in going yeah okay i used to have my my i don't know why is the kettle it's relatively innocent here it's not like he left the marigolds near an industrial lathe or something he's not done it he's not killed her on he has killed her he her, though. He has killed her, though.

She's dead because of him. Yeah. That's manslaughter. Well, she's dead slightly sooner. That's manslaughter, totally. She's dead slightly sooner. Yeah, he turned something funny into a fucking dangerous scavenger hunt. Yeah.

Yeah. So, dude, dude. I'm going to pay off. Don't tell your brother. Here's my thing. Don't tell your brother. Don't tell... When they bring it my thing. Don't tell your brother. Don't tell.

When they bring it up in a family meeting, go, try it. Go, I need to go to the toilet right now because I don't want anyone to see my sadness. He said they're guessing about what she was doing. Because why is there a chair out? Yeah, that might be one of the theories. Or maybe he's also lying, Dan dan maybe he did do it on purpose ask the guy were you in the will oh that's also another thing like maybe grandma did die because she was going for a brush but guess mr anonymous got an extra 25 grand and how old was granny there's another one was she 50 because she lives in liverpool

or was she like proper 93 and this bitch has got to go why is she climbing on family meeting listen do you like your extension yeah say thank you to this guy um i i think no we no, you're not absolved. There's got to be some penance. It can't be admitted. Is it helping the elderly? I don't think it should be trusted around the elderly. I feel the first read is like, you should go and do some charity work with the elderly,

but how many more will you kill? And by the way, we'll be sending this email to the police this is how shipment started yeah moving washing brushes i don't ship and started small and then end up killing 260 old people he moved a salt and pepper shaker and thought i'm gonna kill 200 the accidental harold shipman i don't know you do you stay away from old people what do you need to do to absolve himself is his mum still alive let's assume

yeah so what do you mean what does he have to do to what do we think he should do what's his punishment I think you should definitely spend the inheritance money on a stool

no, on a stool with a plaque with her name on it and put it in a park somewhere and let the children play with it. What, a little ladder? Solid gold. This one's for Beryl from Anonymous.

Granny from 2019 and then put watch your step. Wouldn't it be amazing if the thing that killed someone was always the thing that you made as a little monument to them? I just got this little ice patch

that killed my nana one winter. The gold lorry. Got a speedboat for kirsty mccall what's this uh what's this little tunnel monument you've got here it's for diana oh god a big jacuzzi for myself well i yeah and other dead people yeah um no you're not absolved but i can't think of any... I think any money he makes from this, he needs to spend on his mum. Yeah.

Bingo. Is it her mum? Or maybe his dad. That could be his dad's mum. Memory foam floor. Nice one. That'd be great in a kitchen. Yes.

No, she banged it on the side, though, didn't she? Memory foam kitchen. Memory foam kitchen sides. The horse is bolted. Yeah, but then No, she banged it on the side though, didn't she? Memory foam kitchen. Memory foam kitchen sides. The horse is bolted. Yeah, but then again, you know, the bitch couldn't use a stepladder. Their fault. I mean, there's also that.

Oh, he's absorbed it was her fault. Yeah, it could be her fault. Open an old people's soft play in your local area. I've been on a lot of stepladder. Yes. Old people. Bingo. Yeah, good luck getting the insurance for that.

Oh, my God. A play centre for old people. Malcolm, I'm going down the slide. There's like a stair lift up to the slide. There's just a stair lift back down again. It's just a stair lift going up and down. Oh, I'm alive. You know what, Carl?

I'd actually go to that, by the way. I'd totally go to that. Oh, the smell of it. How old do you have to be on here? It's minimum 60, I think. Cool. Seven more years. Bingo.

Yeah, I'll be there. I'm jumping in a ball pit with old people. Let's have a break, everyone, shall we? And welcome back. We have the amazing Mick Ferry. Oh, Michael J. Ferry. Oh. Yeah. Oh, Michael J. Ferry. Like, J, I like it.

I love making up people's initials. If I end up with Parkinson's now, you're going to end up guilty. My dad had Parkinson's. It's what killed him. So thanks for that. Thanks for the reminder. Fucking straight away we started. Mick, did you know Michael J. Fox has been named? No.

Give me J, Andrew. A little bit of a fact for you. Michael J. Fox has been named. You didn't give me a chance to answer that yeah you just oh i said shit quiz i said did you know yeah but before i could say anything you went not j andrew that's a shit you won a pub quiz the other night didn't you i i run pub quizzes yeah i do a thing called i do called king quiz and i do it as elvis it's me being Elvis being a quiz host I'm going to assume that's later Elvis yeah it's in fact

not even not even it's not even I couldn't even do fat Elvis because I'm too fat for the fucking fat Elvis so all I've had to do is a wine Elvis with a bigger wine shirt and a garland so I'll do a wine Elvis so nobody knows the difference is it Elvis themed or is it just a random you know I just decided to call it King

quiz and I thought be funny just do is Elvis and it is funny it works I do I do do rounds Elvis mumbles and musicals and then then I do Elvis acting masterclass. So I'll do lines from films as Elvis. Yeah. Where's this? It's at my local pub called the Banktop Tavern in Oldham. Wow. Yeah. Cool, man.

Yeah, it is cool. I'm a quiz master. The things you'll do to get free beer at your local. I fucking don't. We have a toilet on the stage where we keep the prizes in. What are the prizes? It's called the Toilet of Destiny. It's the stuff I buy from Poundland.

I just thought it was apt having a toilet on stage as if I'm being Elvis. All right, I got a new washboard. The prize for my next quiz is four grand. What? The prize for my next quiz. Why the fuck around with fucking shit like that? I mean, I haven't got a following.

There's about 40 people turn up. The people who have got no homes to go to, you know what I mean? So it's a Sunday night. I do it every now and again, and they like it. I love it. Yeah, it's great.

You should come along. I'll come. Yeah, do. I want to totally win. I want to win a toilet prize. I want to kick ass on the toilet prize. I want to see Tom stay at a pub queen in Oldham. We don't.

We've had a couple so far. We do the final round to get the big prizes or the rest of the prizes. So we had a wrong and prison sentence higher or lower. So I started off with R. Kelly because that's easy. And the next one was Roll Farris. That's lower. So it gave me an idea.

So it went up in scale. I think Bill Cosby was the last one. Three of my heroes. Mate, that is a that is a fucking i am borrowing these ideas the last one we did at the end was uh guess what they died of i died having sex or uh just died in the sleep so that was a great one so you could put random pictures yeah they died in the sleep so i put pictures like the Queen in and Philip. So you just make up what Prince Philip died of. He choked on one of Lizzie's breasts.

Oh, my God. That sounds fucking quality. Yeah, it's all right, yeah. And it's fun, as Elvis said, strangle wank. How did Philip die? Strangle Wank or in his sleep? Wasn't Robin Williams Strangle Wank? Huh?

No, he was on Set Dementia. I think he took his own life, Robin Williams, didn't he? Yeah, he did the old knifer. He did the old slitifer right he did the old slit the wrists keith keith caradine he's he's a funny one because he reckoned ninjas were after him and uh he did himself in a wardrobe in it well having well wanking i think that's the way i want to go by the way carl wanking in a wardrobe well no if ninjas are ever after my will yeah wanking a wardrobe they're afraid of wardrobes and wanking.

Strangle wank in a wardrobe. The Lion, the Witch, and the Wank in a Wardrobe. Take your dress off. The Lion, the Witch, and the Strangle Wank. That's awesome, man. Yeah.

You two know each other. You go way back. We go way back. We're talking big dogs of UK comedy. He was, his first ever gigs in the UK was at Frog and Bucket, and I was there.

Yeah. When are we talking? 2004? 2003, I think. 2003, yeah. Were you born? Yeah. That's a long time.

Wow, that's going back. Yeah, that's going back. Fucking heavy. And he only did 10 minutes the first night, because he came off, he says, I didn't know how long I was supposed to do. I go, well, normally 20. He goes, goes okay and then he makes up for it the night after by doing half an hour he's like no that's not how it works you just pissed off everybody you've got

a sordid history of timings of the frog here so i do man it's whether he had maybe it's that club he had a he had a he had a he had a fantastic joke at the time about the Great Wall of China. Ooh, classic. You bet, yeah. It's a smoke joint. The Great Wall of China. It's not a great wall. It's a wall where you can smoke joints and the cops can't see you.

I remember your old jokes and you don't remember them. You don't remember your Burtons. I remember more of Tom Stade's old jokes than my old jokes. I'm the same thing. What did we hit yeah i love that love that bit about roadkill at the museum we did it last time you were on but it's it's still so funny who got the walrus in who hit the walrus men are physical and women are mental. I've seen him do his acts with a guitar. Oh, scoring way back. We were in Singapore, me, you and Jared.

One of my favourite tours, by the way. It wasn't for me and Jared because the fucking gangsters that ran it hated us, didn't they, me and Jared? Do you remember that night that we were there? Because I went up to them. Well, you did it in front of us, which I'm pleased you did, but slightly not. So this is a tour of gigs in Malaysia.

They take three acts out. Singapore. Okay, so it's just Singapore. There's not like a... No, there was no extension on it. All right. We were out there for a week. How many gigs?

Like two gigs, three gigs? We did about four or five gigs. Four or five gigs. So we were out there for a week, four or five. And the first night, so Jared MC'd, I opened. Me and Jared didn't have a good time. It was our first time gig. Even for so Jared MC'd, I opened. Me and Jared didn't have a good time. It was our first time gig. Even for Jared, even though he's from New Zealand,

we didn't have a great time. Tom went on the end and ripped it because he's Tom. But he didn't have his guitar then because the tour was going to get much better. And then the guys who ran it were called John and Kerry, I think. And one of them had been on the phone to Christian Knowles saying, this fucking last gig, it better be fucking good because these two have just been shot.

I'm going to put them on a fucking plane and send them out. So we were having a drink at the bar and he goes, hey, Kerry, why don't you tell Jared and Mick what I heard you saying on the phone? Yeah. I called them up on it because I fucking hate that, man. I hate the promoters when they're talking behind your back and all that shit.

I'm like, why don't you say it to their face, man? But after we said it, everything was fucking cool, man. Yeah, it was. It was good. After we dropped that bomb on those two guys, it was like... Because any time they do that, they're all cool when they're saying it behind your back, man. But as soon as they say it to your face,

and as soon as we did that, that was amazing. Yeah, I know it was. Then they loved you guys. But me and Gerard were crestfallen. We're like, oh, fuck. So the night after I emceed, Gerard opened. It seemed to work. But that was a day.

He'd been like, I'm going to get myself a guitar. Why are you getting a guitar? I thought he was going to have comedy songs. He didn't. He knows about three chords, if that. Two and a half chords. why are you getting a guitar? I thought he was going to have comedy songs. He knows about three chords, if that. Two and a half chords. I'm about as good as Finlay is. Two and a half chords.

And he's going, ding, ding, ding. Went to a museum in the UK, man. He just did the same with the guitar. And it would have been legendary. He told me, he said, you watch it, I'm going to get an encore. And he did. He got an encore every night. They thought he was a musical genius. And I want to say this.

That was before Dimitri Martin ever showed up, by the way. That's hilarious, man. And he was amazing. He spent so much money on he was believing everybody's price because in Singapore you go to the markets

and they tell you we've got a special morning price we've got a special evening price you were the king at that he'd run off and go

oh my god they've got a special morning price on cameras you were like you were like quickly Mick it's nearly midday

but we went he'd left his glasses in London, his spectacles. So we found a, this was fucking, I actually literally, a bit of weekend. You came with me to the thing. Yeah, it was a little opticians. It was like half on the street and half inside. He goes in and gets an eye test, and you return two hours later,

you haven't got the glasses made, these bifocals or whatever it is. So this little guy says, okay, we try, I'm going to have to do the accent. He goes, try your glasses made, these bifocals or whatever it is. So this little guy says, OK, we'll try. I'm going to have to do the accent. He goes, try your glasses. So he takes him onto the street. So he sits with Tommy. He goes, can you read that sign?

And Tommy's going, yeah, man, I can see that sign. These are brilliant, man. Can you see that sign? Yeah, I can see that sign. Then at some point or something in the distance, he goes, hey, I can't see what that says up there. And this guy goes, where? And he's going, up there. And this guy says, well, you can't see what that says up there. This guy goes, what? And he's going up there.

And this guy goes, well, you want to be a fucking pilot? Holy, I remember that. I remember us walking through that market, the fucking Christ, man. Remember the shittiest snake charmer? Oh! We thought we were going to get a dancing snake, but it was just a fucking snake in a box.

This is shit, man. It's not even dancing. Exactly, that's what he's doing. Just us every night going to some little market having soup with an animal. You didn't even know what's in there. Like every time you go to the foreign countries, right? You go to find the foreign

cuisine and all that. But me and Mick were, because you go to Singapore, you're up to what? Like you never get to bed until like 3 or 4 in the morning. And they have like cafes at 3 and 4 in the morning. But the problem is you can't read any of the menus man and you're like oh i'd love some soup and all that shit and then you're like get the soup and

you're like octopus yeah what i think noodles and then you then you don't want your meal yeah and then you don't want to taste it but then you taste it you're like fuck i never knew i would like we went to a we went to that steam restaurant where you steam your own food it was the shittiest thing I'd ever

so you get your ingredients they ask you what you want so you say pork and some vegetables and they've got a vat of boiling

water on the table you just put your food in and then pull it out and just eat excuse me this doesn't fit in with my white privilege can you cook it for me i don't

know with my food fussiness if i'd be if that i'd be all right with that or if it'd make it so much worse like if i don't like normal stuff over here that i don't know i might as well be in a country where i have no idea what the fuck anyone's eating like everyone it's like a level playing field of like what are you even eating i think we should get you to try some different foods from around the world is it true you because i saw that i'm not having it you have fish and chips for the first time yeah that's i'm sorry i'm not having that you must have accidentally eaten fish and chips at one time yeah you can't get to your range without actually you must have done mickey's never eaten an egg.

What? He's never eaten an egg. We're playing the Diamond Food Hits. No. He's never had gravy. What the fucking... Have you ever had meringue?

Lemon meringue? Yeah. Love lemon meringue. Is egg in that? Yeah, I'm not anti-egg. Well, it seems that you are. I mean, it's not like a political stance.

Anti-egg? What did you eat? Exactly. If eggs tasted like a fucking lemon pudding, I'd be eating eggs all the time. And legs. Why did your mother feed you, Dan? Like, why did your mother feed you?

How did you even grow up? Wait, while he finishes, he's asking. Go on, now tell him. Yeah, what did your mum feed you? Like, one meal? It was a limited... It was basically cheese on toast and a plate of fruit every day for about 14 years.

Stop it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the laziest bitch I've ever heard about. And then a fromage frais and, like, a club biscuit at the end. Olive club. Yeah, I've ever heard about. And then a fromage frais and like a club biscuit at the end. Or a club. Yeah. Or a penguin. We would argue about the colour of wrappers when we were kids.

I had two sisters and a brother, and nobody ever wanted the green or the orange wrapper, even though it didn't affect the taste of it. You either wanted the red or the blue wrapper. Penguins didn't do it for me. What's up? I prefer black rappers they usually do the voice do the voice do the voice why are you so scared to do the voice

man what voice come on you were doing it before i'm always assuming whenever i hear do the voice it's gotta be obviously it's not from this country. I'm not doing a black rapper voice. Oh, sorry, I meant Penguin. What's up, bitch? You can do you from Canada. Yeah. Of course, there's black rappers from Canada. There's black rappers everywhere.

Drake, yeah. There's one. One's from Liverpool. One. Yeah. It is, I'm not doing their voice either. Five white guys. Exactly.

Where's the best place? But I've been influenced. Where's the best place, before anyone does been influenced. Where's the best place? Before anyone does this voice, where's the best place you gigged abroad? Where's the one where if you, if I said, look, there's two grand, you get to do a week over there, a couple of shows, where's the place you'd like to go back?

Because you've done. Hong Kong. Right. Fucking mental. It's fucking brilliant. It's like, Gordon Summers got the best description. It's like living inside a pinball machine it's fucking bananas

it's insane is it just because it's so built up like it's actually quite small and they've just had to build it up it's 24 hours a day

non-stop brilliant superb and the gigs are good who are you playing to when you're out in Hong Kong the gigs are not that good no

no you're just playing to loads of Chinese opticians. They're all of them are expats, but they've got good jobs, so they're looking down on you anyway. Yeah, don't be, what, you think the Chinese people are coming in to listen to Mick Ferry? They're like, ah, ah, ah.

Mick's like, and I just became a grandpa. Talk high, ah, ah. Yeah, exactly. So that's where I... Have you ever heard the old routine I used to do, which I can't do anymore because it involves a lot of accents? That's where I thought you had to talk with an accent to get by, was in Hong Kong.

That's when I was talking to taxi drivers in Chinese accents. But they understood. They didn't understand my northern accent. As soon as they used a Chinese accent, they understood it but as soon as you do pigeon chinese basically basically yeah yeah yeah people are pretty hard up on the accent thing man like yeah i think i i don't know if you're a certain age i think you should be able to do the accent i think it's like my grandparents agree with you yeah yeah your grandparents would be, like, if you're a certain age now, you shouldn't be allowed to do it.

But if you're, like, my mix age... Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, yeah, so we should be... Because... I'm going to Greg Gow. Yeah. I think it's like...

I properly believe it's like ivory. Yeah. Like, if you buy ivory before a certain time... 1940s. It's legal. But if you buy ivory before a certain time, it's legal, but if you buy ivory now, so if you grow up now, you should know better not to do it. The 1973 date of birth cut off. Yeah, but that's nonsense. If somebody goes, hey, Tony, you're being racist.

I can't, I'm too old. It's called being funny. It's not racist. I'll show you racist. We're reporting a hate crime. God's going, how old is a person shouting these profanities? I think he's in his 50s. There's nothing we can do.

No, absolutely not. It's not a hate crime. It's not a hate crime. He's trying to be funny. i was telling these guys about the chinese karaoke that we used to go to in manchester with charlie's yeah i forgot the name the other day and they just didn't believe me and you will back me up on this uh because we were all we we we went there and we always got in because we uh dave the owner of the frog knew the guys that ran it and uh they were always so friendly but it wasn't it wasn't just uh like the sort of british punters at a chinese karaoke it was pretty much

half and half yeah but it wasn't like oh now there's some chinese dude that works in a restaurant around the corner getting up to do wonderwall they did a chinese song we all stood there and went great yeah no one laughed because we were like they're probably triads and then and then then we did one of ours and they respectfully just sort of watched you do it yeah it was this weird cultural like tennis yeah oh yeah you've they used to always do like what seemed like soppy love songs in Mandarin. They're always like, they're maudling songs. I'm not going to do them. I'm from 1970. Give me the hit list. Remember they used to play that weird card game.

There'd be piles of £50 notes on a table and each game used to last about two seconds. And then somebody'd scream because he'd won and somebody'd cry because he'd lost. What was that? They used to play this weird card game. Money used to be out on the tables. But you remember they used to have lock-ins there and they'd bring out this ashtray so you could smoke.

Yeah, we went there so many times, man. Yeah. I love it. That was a time when about half six in the morning, the guy's coming around, he's going, no more singing, please, no more singing. That's enough. Will Hutchby's been in the storm in Ireland, hasn't he?

He's out there with adam now on bad over there uh the storm basically hit the west coast of ireland hardest and will's trying to get over will's trying to get over to the island to film some he's doing a documentary over there that sounds amazing apparently the guy who ran the ferry was like why the fuck would you want to be going over there in fucking january and so it just didn't happen the storm hit as they were trying to barter with fishermen to get them over to this island and it hit really badly and so they the power got knocked out as they were in a pub so they just closed the pub there's no power but the gas was still on so the guinness was still going and the first thing that happened as soon as all the power went they were like quality

get the ashtrays out straight away we're doing it fucking what were they getting to they're going to iron isles yeah off the west coast i i like will would be will they film the banshees of in the sharon all right you must be yeah i think that's where i used to spend all my summer holidays and in dooling on the west coaster from being a kid is that where you're where your heritage is from my mum's from Doolin in Clare so you used to go what you used to drive down to Holyhead and get the ferry across well no we'd be put on a train on our own from the edge of five or six at Manchester go to Holyhead get onto the ferry get the train from Dun Laoghaire then down to Limerick and my nan and granddad would pick us up in limerick that's amazing those

were the days that they just drop that's why he's allowed to do the voice because that sounded like the blitz didn't it it was basically if i'm the dripping make you get the fucking get this around your neck off you go on a train i'm not coming with you i'm busy and by the way that's also another reason hong kong is awesome because they don't have a smoking ban. I remember going in when we were... Was I there with you or was it with...? No, I wasn't. No, no, no, no.

I remember getting a haircut in Hong Kong and the guy goes, would you like an ashtray? And I was like, am I on all this hair? Yeah, sure, fine. You know, there's two types of barbers in Hong Kong and China. So there's one that looks like a barber's when you're looking in the street but you just see men on their own there with a big cover on you don't see anybody touching their hair but you might see it moving underneath that's why i thought i got a shitty haircut

i've never had a haircut with a happy ending. Oh, I always insist on it. He charged me 30 quid. I want one quid off as well. Fucking hell. Everything's going on. Everything's going on. Tom, you look good.

I'll tell you, I feel pretty good. I know this is a stupid question, but do they get lung cancer like Caucasians? I feel like... Who? Asians. Asians. I just feel like people from foreign countries, it just seems like they smoke all the time.

It seems like the Italians always smoke. From the French, the Italians, they don't seem to have a... Are they dropping? Is it just not affecting them? Maybe it's an olive oil smoking diet. Yeah, absolutely. I think it's because they smoke since the age of 11. All the time.

Well, their food's better, isn't it? We're smoking and eating bad food. They're all eating fresh food. So their bodies are healthier than ours. But a lot of old people in this country that have died of lung complications grew up with mills going on. They never had that scale of industrial revolution in Europe where there was fucking smog everywhere and fucking filth.

All right, so if you're like in a french field in the countryside just smoking at the age of 12. i don't think you're fine i don't know i genuinely i just don't i don't think it's official there's constantly smoking i wouldn't trust a french person that didn't smoke i'm just so used to it if you want to yeah i'm from france you go have you got cigarettes i go no i go then you're not it disgusting idea. In Japan, they love beer and smoking, and they've got the longest lifespan of anybody because they've got to also eat fresh fish. The lowest lifespan?

Yeah. What? The longest lifespan. The longest lifespan. All right, yeah. They live the longest, but they also... I'm eating. I'm living well.

I'm drinking sneak. I quit eight and a half years ago. I quit. What, smoking? Yeah. Oh, I'm going die buddy oh I just stopped like five weeks ago man so shit all right well done that's good is it do you feel better now huh do you feel better now I kind of do but I I I love smoking I'm sorry I love it so great I used to love it. So cool.

It was great in times. I'd invent crises. Yeah. I couldn't have a cigarette. That was a tough shit. Hang on. This is a tough shit. I need it before.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it was terrible. It's made traveling a lot easier. Yeah. Because if I was on a train or a plane and then there'd be a delay, I'd be fucking climbing the walls going shit because i've been incorporating smoking time into traveling when i could do it and you couldn't do it for an extra couple of hours he used to go so those long haul flights must have been a fucking nightmare yeah it were yeah yeah to like melbourne and shit like that

would kill me yeah yeah yeah like well not kill me i'd kill somebody else yeah well i was on the e-cigarette till recently i'm two months off it but when we went to nashville i was in the middle of the vape thing and i like like proper smokes would be like it's not fucking proper but when you're in the grip of it you it's so easy yeah but it's so the thing with nicotine in it yeah it's there it's there all the time we we had a business class upgrade, basically, so I could vape under a fucking... Oh, yeah. They gave me a blanket.

Hold on. I was in business class. It was such a chavvy move to be like, thank you. The guy looking after was like, Mr Nightingale, is there anything more I can do? I was like, no, thank you, Stephen. What, that'll be ending while I'm vaping? Now I feel...

Can I have a haircut as well? Just a bit off the back. For two weeks after you finished, you were a gobshite though. Yeah. Was I? Yeah. Yeah, you were just a bit...

Not like a gobshite, you were just like, you were really like... Why would you have to, why would you even need a blanket? Because what I've learned about vapes is you can smoke anywhere with vapes. You can smoke in a plane,

in the bathroom. British Airways don't agree, though. They don't set off smoke alarms, right? They don't set off a smoke alarm. Who gives a fuck if they disagree or not? All you're doing is... It's water vaping. I care if they disagree, because if I get bollocks on a plane... I'll tell you what about vapes.

I know I'm not ruining anybody's holiday here, but I know we're not checking a lot of vapes. People are buying vapes from abroad that might have, say, some other oil in it. Yeah. People are just going through customs with it. They don't care. They don't fucking do shit.

A guy in Dubai got prison time for that. Did he? For taking a weed vape to Dubai. And they're like, that's just drugs. And he got two years in jail. Oh, shit. Wow. Yeah, I've gigged in Dubai.

We were lucky to get that cocaine in that time. but he's got a massive arsehole it's the same here half a kilo of his half a kilo of mine it's fucking great two and a half pounds right in the air remember when you fought a bag of busts in your stomach? That was fucking... What a party that was. Jack, I don't even know about you, Joe. We were talking down off that roof. Mick, let me lick your tummy. It's coming through. I'm sweating party.

Snow in Mick Ferry's belly button. Get on the centre. Oh, my God. Did you do anything for quitting? Did you... What was the... Champix. I'd tried everything before, and I did the drug Champix,

which was an anti... Originally, it was an antidepressant. But what it does, it gives you really weird nightmares. I quite liked them. I thought it was fucking brilliant. It's a strange sensation. And it's bizarre.

So you keep smoking. You start taking it, and they say, keep smoking for seven... Because about day seven or eight, you'll just stop. And day seven, I used to smoke 40 a day, and I've gone to bed on day seven and gone, these are shit, these aren't working.

I get up the morning after, take the dog for a walk. I'm on my way to London, so I take the dog up for a walk before I'm going to get the train. And I come back, I think, oh, I've not had a cigarette yet. So I light one and go, eh, don't even know why. And then that was it. Never had a cigarette since. Champix just basically makes you allergic to it.

No, it blocks the receptors in the brain that crave nicotine. So even the smell and everything becomes disgusting. What's weird is your brain is going all the time for weeks, I'm going, I should be smoking that. I see people smoking. I go, I should want one of them. After a meal. After a meal when you go, oh, I'm not going I should be smoking now. I see people smoking. I go, I should want one of them. After a meal. After a meal when you go, oh, I'm not going to do that.

Yeah, but you go, oh, this is when I should be smoking. But your body's not craving it. So you go, but I don't want to. Are you still taking the drug? No, no. It's a three-month course. And then you come off it. I loved it.

The dreams are absolutely insane. Well, I have insane dreams anyway. So this added to it. I fucking loved it. You know what I mean? You've got Pan's Labyrinth every time you close your eyes. I came off it, man, was I ever fucking depressed. I just quit my head.

With your boring dreams. Boring dreams. I had a dream the other night where I had to get invited to a party. It was awful. Back on the champing. It's a shit dream, isn't it? Yeah.

That's mad. Why doesn't it yeah that's mad why doesn't everyone do that is that is that like doctor prescribed they've banned it now because some people

took their own lives and you and how this is going some of the nightmares get pretty bad which I'm not I'm not that

yeah so when they were testing it out as an antidepressant years ago they'd come back and people who were depressed, the last thing you want is fucking horrific nightmares, especially if you've got anxiety.

And they were coming back and they were saying, oh, it's done nothing for my anxiety, but I've stopped smoking for some reason. Oh, right. Yeah, it's not banned in the UK on your order. Is it? Yeah. I said, oh, it's a shame,

because I'd recommend it to anybody If you can get hold of it Well you should be able to I mean if we can get ecstasy in here I think you could fucking smuggle in A fucking champ Oh they've just arrested a guy for making it in his bedroom What? Yeah

That's a lot of parties around this year In Manchester they've just arrested a guy He had a kit in his bedroom he was making it a champix factory for making champix no ecstasy

oh shit like that would be the worst jail time ever I thought you said making champix I was making it maybe that's a cover

maybe that's what what are you after what are you after I've got all sorts I've got all sorts. I've got some Ukrainian rennies. Try this.

Never mind ecstasy. Have you ever had Belarusian Sudafed? Get on me. I make it in my bedroom. What are you doing up there, John? Leave me, mum! I'm busy! Make it build. Brilliant. At least he's got a hobby you know what i mean have you got any

brazilian paracetamol oh i saw a not a grass i saw someone's house today that wasn't frozen and uh 20 pigeons sat on the roof and i was like i wonder why yeah yeah oh yeah there's no other reason. They've just not had the loft done. That's all. That's all. The pigeons were fucking high, though.

The pigeons were like, yeah. Fucking hell, Dean, it's going to snow. Shit. We've noticed, Dom, where I live on a council estate, and there's some houses we've noticed at the back. So I thought, what are they doing with their conditioning units on? And they're clearly not. They're obviously, the vents to take the heat out. Because this is about six houses,

where these massive, what I thought were, air conditioning. I'm going, that's not fucking... Why would you want air conditioning and fucking council? I said, hold on, for fuck's sake. But it's not. It's obviously for the...

To take the air out of the... But if you want to have a really good walk of your dog, just do a few loops of that block round the back. Are you walking the dog again i think i'm gonna start a quiz it does i live on the street and it stinks where's my elf where did the inspiration for your quiz come from i just keep walking the dog around this very specific part of my fucking bit of alden but i wait to get caught though when it snows i've got a friend who's in a punk band and he's

wrote a song called There's a Guy on My Street Gotta Grow On And He Won't Sell To Me. Don't shit where you're eating. True story. I knew someone that went to proper like did time for that. For growing weeds? For yeah having a little fucking grow. Really? Yeah.

How long ago was that? That was, yeah, about 10 years ago. What sort of time are you talking? I think a couple of years. He must have had a fair few on then. He must have been. She did, yeah. Oh, she did.

Oh, I know what you're talking about. Do you? Yeah, I do. Oh, right, yeah. Cool. I don't. Who is it? Is it a comic?

Huh? Is it a comic? What comic was interesting enough to have a fucking, a weed grow? Just, you know, me trying to find that. No, no. No promoter. Was it? What?

The big giveaway is when you got paid in weed. Oh, I love those days. Shut up. That was the best. We can cover the hotel that would have been better for dan because we already know dan doesn't like asking for it my first my first weed transaction it's where i did we were 15 at school and we'd all we'd all got enough we'd all got enough we did this we just we were talking about this before it's funny that you just got And we'd all got enough. We'd all got enough. Don't, don't, stop. 15. 15.

We did this. We were talking about this before. It's funny that you... We'd just got enough change to give a few of us. And we went to, there's an area in Oldham called Shulver. These are council flats. And we'd been told about this lad knocking on the door. And when he saw us, he went, oh, fucking hell.

And then before we knew it, because we'd just got enough together, he went, right, before we start, no teens. We went, oh, what's a tint? He said, how much have you got? He went, that's for a tint. I don't do tints. I only do apes. I thought, fuck.

So we had to go and fucking go to friends' houses and search down back of sofas and take change. I had a fucking ashtray and all sorts. We went back with a fucking sock of money. Change. No tints. Never cool buying drugs with change, is it? No, is it? Fuck. fucking sock of money. Change. 14th. Never cool buying drugs with change, is it?

No, is it fuck? But he took the change. Yeah. So it says more about him. Was it weed? Yeah. If you're a smart drug dealer, you've got to see the future. That's his under 23s, isn't it?

Yeah. That's the youth. Plus that's also untraceable pennies. Yeah. Yeah, that's untraceable. What? I don't think he's laundering pennies. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

If he's stealing a big dollar, he's got to launder, but you can't. Pennies are easy to launder. A slot machine outside his house. Just put it in that place for me, mate. Who wants to play pachinko? For what? Pachinko. Okay, I'll play pachinko. Ding.

Yeah, man. I thought we weren't doing the accents. You said, I am. What's pachinko? It's all right. He's old.

It's a game in Japan where, so gambling's illegal in Japan. Oh, is it so everyone goes to pachinko parlors to play this game they love it and then at the end

you win you win like coins at the take home but then there's a shop near where you can exchange them coins for money

so you're not technically gambling they're buying the coins off you so how does the game work what is it what do you do oh it's like

it's like balls dropping into holes and it's fucking mental it's stupid Matt you know what it's like what's the what's the game work? What is it? What do you do? Oh, it's like balls dropping into holes and it's fucking mental. It's stupid, man. You know what it's like? What's the game where they got... It's like a penny drop game. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What's that called? Tipping Point. Tipping Point. Pachinko's like Tipping Point, except you've got a little marble and it's got to roll down into some... And if it goes down to times 100 or... I've seen them online, though.

It's like a chocker. And if you speak to anybody in Japan, they're like, I down to times 100 or... I've seen them online, though. And if you speak to anybody in Japan, they're like, I don't play pachinko. No, no, no, I don't play it. Really? So there's a shame in it? Yeah, because you're not meant to gamble, and it's gambling, even though it's not gambling. Pachinko?

We love gambling. Is there any Japanese communities in the North West we can set up a pachinko alley? Is that what it's called, an alley? Pachinko room. Just have it in a secret room in the back of a pub. You're here for a drink of pachinko. just out in the secret room in the back of a pub you were here for a drink of Pachinko

I'll put five grand into that idea I think that's I think that's a winner man we found a winner and then we give them coins and like you said they have some traceable

yeah these pennies don't tell them where you got them from underground pachinko in the UK that'd be amazing Japanese people love it but they'll never say they will oh I've never been

but every parlour is chocker at all times we would have gone pretty good me and you because we love gambling I've stopped now have you stopped you still go to meetings no i left the meeting because i wanted to go gamble i uh i mean i go i go every now and again when i think i've had to bar myself from every casino

in the uk but i've got a friend of mine good of mine. There's only two years difference between us, but he doesn't realize that every now and again, he signs himself into casinos. I know his date and buff and his address. What's your game? If I can sit down sober and play poker, I'm all right. Yeah.

But I'll never get to a casino sober. Nobody goes to a casino. I'll go in and I'll start off with blackjack. I'll go, this is shit because you're playing with somebody stupid on the table and then the roulette it's the roulette that always gets you adam's bad for the roulette because you think because you what it is stupid gambling because you think oh i can win big on one fucking bet the odds are ridiculous you're not going to

yeah you're not you're not going to do but uh but i've had nights where i've walked through a casino you've walked away with money and i've had nights when i've had to make excuses like i've got home at the weekend and gone uh she's gone where's the money i've gone oh this the backs in it i can't believe i lost it in the cab yeah i've done that one i've done that one twice like my trudy's like man you really gotta keep a hold of your money and I'm laughing because if you see me or Mick in a casino in the afternoon we didn't just get there

like we have been there we've been on the road together people go what are you going to do this afternoon go for a bit of lunch no we're just going to stand in a bookies I went to a casino for the first time

last month in Vegas I've got no gambling tendencies at all I was like I want to play blackjack because I'm there when in Rome

and I was playing it and I was up and down and I ended up and I was like I want to keep playing I was like I've got no gambling tendencies and they're getting me

I'm like fuck knows if you go in there if you go in there and you're a gambler you're fucked the worst thing you can hear when you're a gambler you've got no gambling tendencies and they're getting me. I'm like fuck knows if you go in there. Big grip here. If you go in there and you're a gambler, you're fucked. The worst thing you can hear when you're a gambler and you've got a problem is a bad gambling story,

a shit one. So I've got a good friend called Alex. He drinks in one of my locals. I've only got two locals. None of them are near where I live. You don't drink with your shit, do you?

No. It's called Alex. So he was telling me and the way he talks about his latest i would talk he says because he used to work in gaming he invented he used to do machines for uh gaming he goes oh i got taken out to corporate to uh to vegas and he says and i can see how you get sucked in gambling he said i'll give you some free chips it's about 25 free chips and he says and i went to the tables he said they soon went so I'm using my own money then

and I was there for fucking hours and I'd never spent that much money in my life ever lost that much I went

I haven't fucking much because I'm thinking like big story he goes oh about a hundred dollars I went what 60 quid fucking that's your story

and it took you eight hours to lose 60 quid you prick that's not a story what the fuck I lost 60 quid, you prick. That's not a story. What the fuck? I lost 60 quid just walking through the door of a casino. But yeah, I was like, oh, fuck.

I want to play this. And I had to stop myself because I had to see. I believe you go in there as a gambler. Do you think it's a gene, Mick? Do you think it's actually like a gene in it? But then my mum had it. My mum was addicted to drugs. My dad was a gambling addict.

So I'm a gambling addict. I am too. Probably borderline alcoholic. gambling addict, so I'm a gambling addict. I am too. Probably borderline alcoholic and drug addict. Drug addict. Next, we got all three, buddy. Why do degenerates always make the best podcast? Do you know why? Because otherwise we'd be like, and then this time,

what, £60? And I went to bed at 11 p.m. I'll never forget it. I'm still recovering. It was a late one. That was the worst. Because being a gambling drug addict alcoholic, as me and Mick are proud of it.

It's a good job you can write a joke. The worst was because, you know, the best thing that comedy clubs have done now is they don't pay you in cash anymore. But in our day, like, what you've just given us. Okay, we're feeling great. We just rocked the show. You've just given us a thousand bucks.

Casinos over there. Kiss. I'm calling my drug dealer. What? We're in England? 24-hour booze got me a bottle of jack because i'm gonna need it after i lose this saturday night you get the whole you get like five shows money right at the end of the side yeah that's why i have a prepaid debit card now i have to so what i'll do with the pre so it's for when i'm not in the area,

when I'm leaving home for the weekend, if I'm away for a few days. Smart. So I set up my debit card with what I need to survive, and then I have no access to anything else because I know what I'm like. Yeah. Yeah.

I've got a few drinks. I might be on my own. The problem is it can start happening. The circuit's not that exciting, you know, so there's not a lot of stuff to do there's not a lot of people who drink or whatever not anymore they're all going to bed they're all writing stuff even though they've not done anything new for 20 years and uh it's just an excuse i don't want to meet you for lunch you're going out for lunch now i'm doing some writing mick how are you i love that excuse.

Mate, I've written so many scripts just to get out of having a fucking zee-zees with some cunts. Which is fine. And you know, when they go, I'm doing some writing, I'm like, well, fuck me. Yeah, well, it'd be interesting to hear it tonight because I'm not heard you do anything new in 20 years. That's how it works tonight.

But I'll just say to him, I'd rather you just say you don't want to do lunch, that's fine. Because I understand that sometimes you just say to him, I'd rather you just say you don't want to do lunch, that's fine. Because I understand that sometimes in your way, you just want to fester in your room and watch a bit of catch-up on TV or whatever it is you do. But what can be bad, though, is when you're on your own, is you're the only one back at the hotel after a gig. It's one o'clock, you've only had a couple of pints

and you're fucking bored. And that's when you look out the window and you go, is that a grove? So have you rung all these and gone, my name's McFerry, don't let me in? Well, yeah, I've got in touch with them all. And they have a database, because I'm sure Gambler's Anonymous have like...

Yeah, they do. Luckily, they don't use facial recognition. So you can sign in as a guest, but only take away usually 1,500 quid. That's the maximum you can actually leave. I was okay with the casino. I had to ban myself from the online ones. You can sign in as a guest, but only take away usually 1,500 quid. That's the maximum you can actually leave. I was okay with the casino. I had to ban myself from the online ones.

Those were the ones. I only kept one. I've got one account left. Foxy Bingo. Yeah, Foxy Bingo. I'll never let go of Foxy Bingo. Yeah, and then plus I did what you did. Fucking limit, man. Yeah.

Like 500 bucks in a month. That's it. I'm going to fucking take your money, $60. I had a Lab Brooks one, and I had an Acca came up, and I just got the Lab Brooks one. It was the first weekend that I had a bet on it. Yeah. And like 20 quid of that was a free bet.

And I put this Acca on, and it was like 460 something pound I won so I went oh fucking great you know you should cash out but I don't because my brain goes oh spread that over five bets now over the weekend you're gonna fucking make a fortune and suddenly I'm looking at the results going how much have I got in my account oh I've got a pound um I've got a pound left that was a free pound though you know what my lying skills are going to go up a level after this what did you get to when you banned yourself

from all the casinos what was the point it was to the point where basically nothing I wouldn't be able to pay the rent

I wouldn't be able to I'd be going home you know what I mean you just that title lying lying as well is bad she knew

my partner knew it was making me on well i was unhappy with it anyway yeah yeah but there's a it's a thing with any addiction you don't you it makes you it fucks you up it makes you unhappy self-loathing and also uh fucking thoughts almost like you'd have another weekend where you've lost everything that's in your account and you'd be back in your hotel room thinking, fuck it, I may as well just fucking end it right here or whatever, you know.

It's the only way I can end it is by, that's the kind of thoughts, that's the kind of thought process you start doing. And then you get a knock on the door from Tom going, hey, I got an extra 50. You want to come to the casino with me? Thanks, Tom. I was just thinking about offing myself.

I don't know if you guys can do this pachinko thing we're talking about. I'm starting to realize maybe you're not the business part. Me and Mick are going to Japan tomorrow. I think the best people to run gambling institutions are probably gamblers. We know how to keep you in. So did you just overnight go,

right, I want to do everything I can to change this? No, it was a process. So I went to a couple of meetings, which I didn't tell anybody about, and I found them awkward. Then you hear some fucking stories, and you go, fucking hell, I'm not that bad. At least I'm not at a bury anybody.

That's why I left. That guy's a gambler, I'm telling you. I just lost my rent money. But the idea is you've got a problem gambling. If you've got, say, £1,000 in your account and £10, and if you've only got a tenner and you can't afford to lose that tenner, you do it. You've only got that grand and you can't afford to lose it,

but you do it. You've got a problem. You shouldn't be doing it. I mean, I will help out every now and again on social media late at night if people are up, because it's a dangerous time early hours of the morning, I just tell people, I say, oh, I've got a gambling problem. Anybody needs to have a quick chat or anything?

And then get me DMs and I'll just talk them through the process about trying not to do it. I've got good, I know it's a trigger warning, because I won't go out drinking in city centres anymore. If I do, I'll make sure I'm back at my local for like 9pm where I live, because there's casinos in city centres anymore if i do i'll make sure i'm back at my local for like 9 p.m where i live because there's casinos and cities and i know what i'm like i won't go out drinking in manchester late at night now anymore no way right because i used to i used to lie to people i got they go well mick's got off home early tonight at like 11 o'clock i've got a gun i

lads i'm gonna get in the last bus well you don't ever get a bus. I mean, I was getting a taxi. I'm getting a bus tonight. Then I'd be in a casino. Well, I'd have planned it. I'd have planned it from about 8 o'clock that night and gone, right, we'll make sure we get drinking around this area. Casinos all the way up the road. Oh, mate, addiction makes you so conniving. Yeah, it does, yeah.

It makes you a little plans and you're like, that's believable. Addiction. If you don't have an addiction you're boring you know what you're that you're the new comic you're a new comic like what you're not getting wasted before the show whatever hit me yeah tom you're on in five just a second i'm playing pachinko so why did you stop tom why did you say you stopped smoking and stuff why well uh i i'm i'm like mick man i'm just getting older

and i'm worried about my mortality it has nothing to do with addictions and all that shit but but i'm still i i always have my hand in the game just a little bit, you know, just a little bit. Because I don't want to, like, because I like all that stuff. I'm just really bad at moderation. That's, I mean, me and Mick are extremists. We're like, that's, I always laugh. That's the reason why that terrorist cell went out. We were too extreme.

You know, you plan to go to a casino, and then you're an al Qaeda meeting Those guys have got problems. Yeah, you think you're a terrorist way while you're in one of them I mean wait till you see me wait till you see me and making a gross Then you're gonna know I terror I don't terrorize other people I terrorize, I don't terrorize other people. I terrorize my family. Okay? So you pussy. They're scared as fuck to give me money now.

Do you feel like you're going to lose your edge if you lose all them parts of your life? Kind of, kind of. We were just talking about this though, man. Me and Dan were totally. He made a really interesting point about, because I'm still battling with my stuff and like i'm just coming off a weekend where i fucked up and got um seriously fucking told off and like i'm totally

in the wrong and laura's in the right and uh she's still upset about and everything and you're like tom made a great point about like if you do something if you've got a vice and you keep doing it i think you got into it because it feels exciting yeah it's an adventure but if you do something if you've got a vice and you keep doing it i think you got into it because it feels exciting yeah it's an adventure but if you just keep doing it over and over again for fucking ages where's the adventure in that whereas what you said was brilliant you were like well what if you were sober and had to do your life without all that bullshit that's a new one that's like it feels counterintuitive but actually that is you want to see the new thing yeah yeah yeah can you do it without that what so what what you're about okay well okay so like okay it sounds

like it was deep and important but i don't get it okay okay so me and you mick we've been we've been drinking yeah we've been smoking weed because and why did we start doing it because we were sober and we wanted that adventure. We wanted to get out of that, right? So for now, now we've been like our normal life is weed, gambling, and all that shit, right? Yeah. So that's become normal.

But we're really addicted to the adventure, not the drug itself. You know what I mean? So now that we've got this life has now become normal the only adventure is to not do it wow and i'm going to tell you i've got a great excuse next time i get told off my partner yeah you don't understand i'm an adventurer you can't stop me from being an adventurer mick columbus you know you like to party when being sober for the whole day i'll tell you i'll tell you the same fear you had when you started doing all those drugs is the same fear i had when i start stopped like for now you know what i mean i'm never saying that i'm never going back because i don't want to be that AA guy or that DA guy.

Of course I am. But right now, like fucking going on stage after, before not smoking a joint, before you go on stage, and then all of a sudden you're on there sober, it's got that same rush that I haven't had in a while, man. That's good. So that's where I'm at now. How long does this adventure last?

I may do this for 20 years, and then when I'm 70, go, yeah, this is boring. Give me that cocaine. You've bought them years by being healthy now, haven't you? I'm high on Jesus. That's what I'm doing. High on Jesus. What's that?

Is that a name for a new pill or something? I've done a lot of cocaine, Nick. It's dope. It's boring. Boring. You ever been to Holy Communion? Sober? I have.

I'm on the edge. Yeah. They gave me the body of Christ. I Sober? I have. I'm on the edge. Yeah. They gave me the body of Christ, I snorted it. Yeah. I tell you what, there's nothing better than transubstantiation or whatever the fuck you pronounce it. I was brought up a Catholic as well. Transubstantiation.

Hey, let's not do the trans stuff. Anyway. It's what he died for. It's what he died for. Can we have a break? Is that all right? Can we have a break? Why are we going?

Where are we? We're just, you know, after every trans joke, we have a break? Is that alright? Can we have a break? Where are we going? Where are we? We're just, you know, after every trans joke, we have a break. Welcome back. Finn's had a stroke. Look at him. You alright, Finn?

What part is it? I'm confused. I don't know. It's part four. Your left eye. That's the part, Finn. It's your left eye. It's drooping.

Tom, can you please say it's part four of four? It's part four of four. Thank you. You're the new Adam, so. Are we all ready to give some advice? Yes, mate. Yeah.

Don't do it. I am Glenn. I'm here to help. That's Glenn. Let's stay. I called Tom Glenn in the break. No one's letting me forget it. Tom Wool.

Tom Wool or Glenn State. Tom Wool or Glenn State. Let's fix some problems yes send them in to haveawordpod at gmail.com if you've got any advice you want us

to give to you this is from Aaron hi boys I need some pretty urgent advice I've been away at uni down in Brighton and I've not seen

my parents for a while my dad's birthday was coming up and I told him I couldn't make it home for it with the plan to come back was coming up and I told him I couldn't make it home for it with the plan to come back and surprise him and my mum. His birthday comes around and I get the long train up,

open the front door and sneak into the kitchen to say hi and surprise them. As I creep and poke my head through the door, I see my dad, bollock naked, absolutely raw dog in my mum in the conservatory. I shouted, oh fucking Christ. and my dad looked over to me mortified and we locked eyes like he was a shitting dog i left the house immediately and haven't spoken to them for a few days as i have no idea what to say how do i even address the situation with my

parents or do i rock up one day and act like nothing has happened oh in the conservatory this sounds like a young comics bit yeah i don't believe that's happened uh and if he has then so what uh the fact that his dad still finds his mom attractive means that i'd probably find his mom attractive we find his mom attractive we're in our 50s now we can fuck whoever we want that's the rule isn't it it is too and why do you always have to label me as a parent? Can I not just be a sex god? Yeah.

Like, can you not just walk in and I didn't know my parents were sex gods? Yeah. And you know what? How do I approach them? Go, Dad, I saw you fucking out there. Could you give me some tips? Yeah. I saw how mom had her eyes in the back of her head screaming, give me more some tips? Yeah. I saw how mom was fucking,

had her eyes in the back of her head screaming, give me more, Harold. Yeah. Boom. Nailed it. Also as well, pretty irresponsible. He's sneaking home. Yeah.

His dad might have a fucking dodgy eye. He doesn't know about it. He jumps out and goes, happy birthday. His dad drops dead. He feels like shit for his life. We don't need another parent dropping dead. I love the fact we've got two older dudes who are totally taking the side of the shagging conservatory.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. They pay the bills and they built that conservatory. The reason you're at uni in Brighton, you little selfish shit, is because your mum and dad, they did that to produce you 20 years ago, whenever it was. And that may be the position,

maybe that's what's upsetting. Maybe that's, was that the position I was conceived 20 years ago whenever it was and that may be the position that's maybe that's what's upsetting maybe this was that the position i was conceived in i reckon it was reverse cowgirl yeah you're you're looking you're looking at your origin story yeah yeah yeah okay and not only that not only that well i would love to see the dad's phone in going hey i was banging my awesome mom but my awesome lady and my son walked in yeah and i haven't seen him now in two days and i made eye contact with him i made eye contact with him and he started crying his brother saw us fucking and he took to the camera and started filming it. Yeah. And that's why we got all this extra money on mum and dad's fan page.

Yeah. Maybe they meant it. Maybe they knew he was coming home and thought, let's get rid of the little shit for never fucking the Conservatives. I mean, if you're shagging in the Conservatives,

that means neighbours can see you because nobody has curtains in the Conservatives. As I've always said, Mick, in your house, there's not breaking the law and he doesn't agree with me.

What's that? Yeah, but the Conservatory, but you're there, no people can see you until you're in the Conservatory. let me just talk you, there's not breaking the law, and he doesn't agree with me. Yeah, but the conservatory, but you're there, no one can see you until you're conservatory. Michael, let me just talk you through this. Not breaking the law, though. Carl thinks... It's not breaking the law, though.

Exactly. Ten past three on a weekday afternoon, if your front window faces out onto a street, maybe it's not even a big front garden, if you are naked windmilling as schoolchildren walk past... Oh, right, you've added that bit. No, no, no, no. Your theory is you can do whatever you want

in your property. I don't think the judicial system agrees. Can you be naked in your garden, Mick? Of course. If people can oversee it, I think... Don't look. What do you mean, don't look? It's my garden.

It's a weird one, that one. That's like going out in the park and flashing and being like, you looked. Public place? What's the difference between a window and you being on the lawn? What's the difference between you being on a bus on your own? You're on a bus on your own, and you go past these school kids that you're windmilling at.

Why is he windmilling at kids? No, because his argument is, of course I've made the example extreme, if you're on your property, then it's their fault for looking. It doesn't work like that. Because it was like, are you going to look if somebody's windmilling?

I can see that as an argument. If primary school kids are walking past and you are windmilling, you can't go to the police when they knock on, it's my property, why were they looking in my window? Yeah. Because you've got your curtains on.

So if you're in your bedroom, naked, and someone walks past and goes, god yeah what's the difference yeah right no maybe yeah maybe but do you think do you honestly think if someone makes a complaint yeah the police are going to knock on and go can we get the description of these children because they're perverts and they're going down i think it's you that's going to have the problem in it my house sunny office i won't be naked in my own house you can't be naked i'm gonna do it i'm gonna do it tomorrow

but at school hours don't go near the window I'm going to go in the front window and I'm going to fucking windmill and we'll find out who gets arrested not you John House

yeah arrest these pervert kids it's indecent exposure if somebody's seen you naked and they find that that's upset them it doesn't matter where you are

can you sunbathe naked in your own garden can you still what sunbathe yeah but somebody can report you for it you can get in really yeah yeah you can that's upset them it doesn't matter where you are can you sunbathe naked in your own garden can you still what sunbathe yeah but somebody can report you for it you can get in really yeah

yeah you can that's mental yeah because that might upset somebody I don't know mate I'm done but the argument

of you can do whatever you want on your property I think has limitations so as soon as you get in all your clothes are off that's it I'm usually naked in the house

you're naked all around the house usually everywhere you go even if you're frying something no no exactly nobody's naked all I'm gonna everywhere you go even if you're frying something no no exactly nobody's nobody's naked extreme yeah but you've probably got an air fryer now anyway so yeah uh so only he only got it to get his dick out yeah exactly yeah that's how i judge temperatures of sauce with my willy

that's ready yeah exactly that's a ratchet. That's Sriracha's joy. I'm usually naked in the house. You are usually naked in the house. That's all right. So what are we doing with Aaron and his parents anyway? Anyway, yeah. Listen, are they British? Just do what every British person does.

You push it down deep, deep, and you never, ever mention it again. You never mention it. Have any of you ever been caught or caught? Yeah, my dad walked in on me having sex with Katie Lambert. Why did I just say a full name? I called my kids and said, get home. You're never going to believe what I'm doing.

Come to the conservatory. Come to the conservatory. Old Papa Glenn's having a great time. In fact, when you walk by the window, you'll get an idea. Yeah. Yeah, I've not been caught, but we had the kids come on once and go, why are you mum covered in bruises? And I said, well, we tried something different and it didn't work.

Man, I love being inappropriate. Oh, that's so bad. The kids got home and were like, what have you two been up to? Nothing, nothing, nothing. Are we having fish? Why have you got a black eye, Dad? Because I had the best time of my life. I think you should bring it up, and it'll kill it then.

Unless it's while you're having sex. I think you're insane. No. I'm with you, Carl. I think he should go, Dad, I'm so glad. Imagine if they weren't. Now he at least knows his parents are happy. Imagine if he came in and they're just sitting on a couch,

just staring at each other. He might give it. See, he doesn't know. His dad's probably at an age now he's probably taking Viagra, something to help him. And he's probably already got erection issues. And now seeing that, that could traumatize him now. And he might never get an erection around his own wife again now.

No, he might never get one without seeing his son. Well, that's the worrying thing as well. Yeah. Then he makes that call. Because he might never get an erection around his own wife again. No, he might never get one without seeing his son. Well, that's the worrying thing as well. Then he makes that call. Because he might, imagine he came there. Son, we're not home. Then he's behind his mum when getting a picture of his son going.

What are you doing with them school photos? Get them down. Get an album out. No, not with his uniform on. That feels wrong. Never mention it. No, break it up. on. That feels wrong. Never mention it ever again. No, bring it up. I saw he was having sex and it's great.

And they go, yeah. And then it's dead forever. Yeah. If a sex scene comes in a telly and you're like, ugh. Mum, I'm back from the pod. I've got a few things to talk through. You know, I visited the other night and you were getting raw dogged.

Let's just get it out in the open. Don't say raw dogged. Yeah. It's not the language you use about your mum, do you? No. Yeah. And how do you know if she was raw dogged? Could you see his car?

Well, he's obviously getting raw dogged. They're married. They're married. She's obviously a certain age. No, hang on. Do we not know that they might have a pool table? They might be playing pool naked and he's helping her. He's just behind her.

He's just an innocent thing. You're just saying this is how you do the shot, Margaret. That's right. And then she's going, oh go oh yeah I've never been able to do that before because this kid doesn't know the difference between naked pool and snooker oh no they're into snooker

you just said I was checking your mum's temperature that's done that you've got a fever Helen wait till he's on his deathbed wait till he's on his deathbed and the nurse goes he's not got much time and you go all right cool and you're just whispering and go hey do you remember when you're raw dogging mum in the conservatory remember that look between us see you later yeah you know what would happen you know what that would have been the best gift to him going yeah yeah yeah well you know what would be best if he turns around and goes oh you didn't see the face of that woman

that wasn't your mum oh yeah and then dies yeah just cut it off how did you know it depends on how old they are as well if they're in their 80s even better well. If they're in their 80s, even better. Oh, amazing. If they're in their 80s, well done. Yeah. Smashed it. Get it while you can. He's probably got a splint on it and everything. I'd burn the conservatory down. Yeah.

Wait, you wouldn't want to see your parents? No. What? Why are parents... I wouldn't want to see mine now. Here's another thing. I'm a parent. Why the fuck?

It ain't gross. Yeah, exactly. I'm awesome at it. But you're sexy, Tom. Yeah, you are sexy. You're sexy. You're kept in shape as well. You're kept in shape.

You can't argue with that. You're white. You're white. Your wife still finds you attractive. I thought you said you were white. You're white. You're white. Your wife finds you attractive.

Sometimes. Sometimes I'm committing a crime. But you're in your 50s now so you're allowed aren't you no no no all consensual I always go for the funny

tax evasion have we got another one Finn no we've got we've got a have a words around the song oh nicely done send them in to haveaw words around the site nicely done sentiment I have a word pod at gmail.com or if you want priority sign up to the patreon you

get like a VIP fucking messaging service with Harry Robbo so this is from Tom lads I need you to have a work with Ian where it's time to have a work i need is that what i said uh i need you to have a word with my with ian at my work ian is a 45 year old man and no exaggeration comes into work with a large tupperware box filled with 25 boiled eggs and eats them throughout the day every single day cool and Liam they have to be pure, sweaty boiled eggs, though, that are vested in this box. No scotch eggs or anything else is acceptable to him. One day, he left his eggs at home

and his wife came into work with emergency eggs for him. HR have put out written warnings and banned him on two occasions from eating boiled eggs in the office, but he still manages to sneak them in and he fucking reeks. He started coming out with us for a smoke break and eating his eggs there whilst complaining that the higher-ups

are trying to shut him down it's getting to the point where i'm having genuine thoughts about quitting have a word with him as i don't know what to do the smell is unbearable are you allowed to do that in a workplace i don't i've never really had a proper job but i imagine they've got like rights to where you can't go you can't eat that it's weird it's like a version of Kool and Luke every day in work I don't get the reference

Kool and Luke it's an old movie with Paul Newman is it a pool shot it's in Kool and Luke he's in the prison. Yeah, and he eats the eggs. He eats 50 eggs,

boiled eggs, out-boiled eggs. Some people have to eat them because they have conditions. Secondly, I don't believe that he's eating 25 a day and his wife comes in

with emergency eggs because that's a fucking bizarre relationship. I've got a feeling your fan base are making shit up. Yeah. And firstly,

do you know what?'s not here but it feels like he is because honestly that is adam's stick all the time and then we go let's just roll with it i've got this one don't worry about it i had a lot of fucky shite we had a job i had a job once we're in the canteen as a guy used to come in every day same sandwiches wife used to make him and every day it was half a pork pie wrapped up in cling film right and then he'd eat the half pork pie and he'd work they'd never had a day off in 20 odd years and everybody was always puzzled why he only had he used to take the piss out of him here he is he was half a pork pie what the fuck he's not mad enough to eat a fucking full pork pie and he never said a word he comes in he's out for three weeks never been off before comes in everybody's going

where the fuck have you been you lazy bastard bastard? You're all taking the piss, fucking work banter, shit banter. He opens his lunchbox, and now he's got a full pork pie. So they're all going, oh, your fucking wife's let you have a fucking full pork pie now and all that, have they? They've let you have a full pork pie. Well, I went, you in for three weeks, and he just turns around and says, my wife died three weeks ago, just buried her. And if you want to know about the pork pie, every day for the last 25 years, we've shared a pork pie. And I'm having her half. That's beautiful, man.

No, it didn't happen. I made that up. So I'm just saying, if I can make that up... I'm so good at that. How did you make that up? Mick, you got me there, you know. By the way, if anyone ever did that in a real, like, work situation, the only response would have to be, gay? Like, there's no comeback.

Mick, do you want to write for us? Yeah. Oh, Mick, you sucked on me heartstrings there. So, yeah. Mate, this cunt's one of the best bullshitters. Do you know he starts rumours about people just to see if it gets back to him on the circuit i know that like famous comedians yeah you know he's gay yeah yeah i think i think i think there

was a i think there was a rumor that i'd heard and i was like oh fuck i just brought it up in a dressing room on time and your face you look so pleased because you went i think i fucking started that love it i love it such a good yeah but the problem the problem was i'd start someone forget i'd started it and i've been addressing them like months after people have you heard about that go what that sounds fucking awful and then the back of my head i'm going why does that seem familiar that was quick that mich well done i done yeah I think you can tell a lot about a person by what they have in their

packed lunch do you know if it's all like when people open up their packed lunch and it's just

fucking mental and you're like oh mate you're a bad gimp what are we doing with this well I had a friend she was

I've known her a long time she was an actress she still is an actress, but she was dating for the first time a few years ago and she didn't like the new dating scene. She'd been with somebody for years.

And she said, everybody's doing these lunchtime dates. I said, that's a good idea. I said, meet somebody, tell them to bring a packed lunch with them, sandwiches, and then I think you'll be able to tell a lot, like you said, tell a lot about a person. So she sent me a message once, first date, he had cheese and ham, a bit predictable. I went, yeah, but safe for a lot, like you said, tell a lot about a person. So she sent me a message once. She went, first date, he had cheese and ham, a bit predictable.

I went, yeah, but safe for a first date. That's safe. And then the second one said it was just cheese. It was vegan cheese on sourdough. She went, there's no way that's happening, right? Weeks went by and she went, I think I met a serial killer this afternoon. So I said, what was his sandwich?

She said, crab paste. I went, yeah, you fucking... Who the fuck turns up on a date with crab paste? You love crab paste. What do you think crab paste is? Me? No, I think it's mushed up crabs in a paste. It has to be.

Yeah. All right, cool. Yeah. It's not really seen a crab, though. It's probably something left in the air. You could have also thought it was school supplies. Yeah. Yeah, got my cray really seen a crab though. It's probably something left. You could have also thought it was school supplies. Yeah. Yeah.

Got my crayons and my crab paste. Crab paste. Yeah. Got the glue. Crab paste. That's what I call my ejaculate now. I'm 55. Crab paste.

Me too. This one's a serial killer, Mick. He's just got your jizz in his sandwiches. That's 125 eggs a day. Eggs are expensive. They're expensive now. They've gone up. I'm calling bullshit on that. How many is it?

For the work week, it's 125 eggs. I can't call. He's definitely eating eggs at the weekend. If he's doing 25 a day, he's not going to get to the weekend and be like, fuck, no eggs on the weekend. Easiest digestible food, though. I know that. I know that.

Yep, eggs are, maybe he's got a stomach condition because he needs to eat the eggs because I start off every one of my Google searches with health benefits of. I thought you started with eating an egg. No. Before a search. Definitely. started with eating an egg. No. Before a search. Definitely.

Bring me my searching egg. Mate, wait till this cunt's wife dies. Mate, wait till this cunt's wife dies and he has to eat 50 eggs a day. What's his wife's cunt going to do with it? That's a lot of eggs a week, that. Yeah. I reckon he might have a stomach problem i

think he's exaggerated i think he has two but by the time he's told the story 10 times in a pub and he was interested in he had 25 fucking eggs in this fucking because that's a big lunch box yeah but i like the smell of eggs too like i mean like i don't know if they breathed on me after having an egg salad sandwich no man i'd be like that's awesome no make me want to have an egg salad no man i i was on a train on friday and somebody was eating an egg sandwich i think i saw that tweet it was disgusting what disgusting and they and they purposely bought one from a shop an egg sandwich from a shop if they brought it from home i'll go yeah fair enough but who buys an egg sandwich from a supermarket it's been fucking sweating in plastic. Guilty, guilty.

I'm guilty. Bullshit. Totally love egg salad. First of all, I was on the bus on my own. They remind me of my childhood. Hey, maybe that's what that first guy was doing with his wife. Maybe she'd lost an egg. You know, bringing the two jokes together.

Fishing out with us. Fishing out with us. I'll get that egg for you. I'll get that egg for you. Yeah, he sounds like an absolute bad wronging but yeah yeah he does uh what are you gonna do why wouldn't you okay well when he brings his lunch and just hide his eggs why doesn't he bring something smellier in yeah yeah why don't we pilchards hold it wait yeah 25 pilchards in a box a day yeah smoke smoked mackerel. Loads of it. They're taking a kedgery.

Oh, like one-up them. Yeah, one-up them. Taking an ostrich egg. Just fucking cracking open it. That'd be amazing. Eat this. Eat this, old man. That'd be amazing. What was the egg we had on the food challenge?

We had a century egg. Oh, I've had 100-day-old eggs, 100-year-old eggs, yeah. What was the egg we had on the food challenge? We had a century egg. Oh, I've had 100-day-old eggs, 100-year-old eggs, yeah. It was a black egg. They're awful. It was an off egg. They're awful. Have you done the fish yet on this show? Did you eat it yet?

The stour? No. We got sent it, but we refused to open it because it ruins the... Yeah, you're supposed to open it underwater, apparently. Oh, really? Yeah, but why you'd fucking eat it, I don't know. So is that Norwegian or Swedish? Yeah, it're supposed to open it underwater, apparently. Oh, really? Yeah, but why you'd fucking eat it, I don't know. So is that Norwegian or Swedish?

Yeah, it's Scandinavian. It's fermented fish. But I've seen, I watched all the videos during lockdown because they were hilarious. You get like big biker bloats going, just been sent this from somewhere in Europe, this, this, this. And then you open it and they go,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. They cry a couple of times. Yeah, we're not doing that as a damn versus. Isn't it a vegetable, but it's illegal a gig and then you open it and they go crying we're not doing that as a Danvers isn't it a vegetable but it's illegal to transport it in public

there's a fruit isn't there that smells like yeah it's illegal to put it on public transport that's right

yeah because like it will literally just like make people sick it smells like rotting corpse durian

d-u-r-i-n that's it yeah it's pungent I went to school with that called durian durian stunk yeah he wasn't allowed That's it I went to school with a guy called Jurian Jurian? Stunk

He wasn't allowed on public transport He loves pachinko Anyway Shall we call That an episode everyone Listen let's do a proper plug You're on tour still There's loads of dates we've already done that

Where can we find the Spotify special What's loads of dates we've already done that where can we find the Spotify is your special what's it called what are we searching Tom okay you gotta just go on Spotify and hit Tom Stade you'll hit artists

what I'd love you to do is follow me the album's called The High Road and it's one of my it's easily one of my best ones although all of them are awesome so what's a comedy album

for somebody who doesn't know yeah say are awesome what's a comedy album somebody doesn't know yeah what say that again what's a comedy album like explain it it's it's it's comedy except you don't get to see the person i know listen i know it's only done netflix it sounds mental if you are driving try listening to stand up on a drive because it's fucking brilliant yeah i used to love it back in the day when i started at the frog anyone that was selling a cd i remember sean collins was selling a cd i used to love it and it's so it's weirdly intimate when you when you're listening to it i was a big comedy geek but i know a lot of these guys are massive comedy fans try it on a drive it's amazing go go Go, go, like I say, go to Spotify.

And if you can follow me, I'm not asking you to follow me on any other social media, but if you can follow me on Spotify, that would be amazing. And there's four other albums on there that you can listen to. And I got three more down the pike coming. So yeah, I got three more coming and,

and yeah, if you can, yeah, just high road, Tom stayed, you'll find me done. Mick, yeah, if you can, yeah, just High Road, Tom's Dade, you'll find me, done. Mick, where can we find you? I've got a special on Spotify called Low Road.

Don't follow me. So follow me, Low Road. Yeah, I've got eight specials on there already and 20 coming down the pipe. Yeah. And he's just starting an egg farm. He's the best in the business. he's trying to keep up to this guy uh i'm doing fuck all just a circuit nothing i'm off to australia soon i'm excited about that yeah

uh what's your socials my socials what is in skills yeah old man well i can i'm pretty good at carpentry. Mick gets his record of achievement out of you. Is it Mick Ferry on Twitter and Instagram? Mick Ferry on Twitter and Instagram. And there's a Facebook, just Mick Ferry on Facebook. And I'm on Hinge. I don't know what that is.

You're on Hinge. I'm on Hinge. I'm on a thing called fields. I think it's about you meet farmers. They're into like proper dirty sex. It's awful. I've heard about field last week. I've never,

it's fucking disgusting. Anyway, Jack, I mean, I mean, we have bloom up there. A lot of, we know he uses it.

It's basically where you go to like broaden your sexual yeah proclivity like so oh you find foursomes threesomes on there you find like people who want to be dominated

yeah so find Mick on that yeah I'm on fields fields I'm in the farmer section fucking look yeah parent fucking

exactly I'll wrestle a cow while wanking off into your face I'd totally watch that. Yeah, but if I do it in my own home, it's not illegal. Have we got a song? We do.

We do. This week, it's my good mates, the Blue Dolphin Wranglers. It's their new single, Playing With Fire, and it's an absolute rammer. So give it a listen if you're on the audio, and if not, go and check it out. Sign up to the Patreon. All that shebang.

Love you guys. Appreciate you. Bye, Felicia. I'm playing with fire Getting down to the wire You're fire I feel it taking me I feel it lifting me higher

It's here I can feel it now. Gotta find some way I can cool it down. I'm the real one. Got my faith in life. If you step into me, don't waste my time. I'm playing with fire Getting down to the water The flood Your fire I feel it taking me I feel it lifting me higher I feel it lifting me higher

Mysticism I can feel the rhythm Do you wanna come around to the heat I'm giving? Do you wanna come around to the heat I'm giving? Logical So practical You're losing it But I'm getting logical, so practical You're losing it, but I'm so cynical I'm playing with fire

Getting down to the wire Your fire I feel it taking me I feel it lifting me higher F-I-R-E I'm playing with F-I-R-E, I'm playing with F-I-R-E, I'm playing with F-I-R-E, I'm playing with, I'm playing with, I'm playing with fire. Thank you. You're fire. I feel it taking me. I feel it lifting me higher. you