Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #262 with Shane Todd - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: February 5, 2024

Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan Nightingale & Fiends Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.ukComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsCheck out Finn's music: https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20Supreme CBD | https://supremecbd.ukStress less and sleep better with Supreme CBD using code WORD40 at checkout to get 40% off sitewideFüm | https://tryfum.co.ukHead to tryfum.com/HAVEAWORD and use code HAVEAWORD to save an additional 10% off your order today.BetterHelp | https://betterhelp.com/word10Get 10% off your first month!NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Become one of the lids:https://patreon.com/haveawordpodTickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comFind us everywhere:https://haveaword.pageDiscord:https://discord.gg/haveawordpodFollow the podcast, our hosts and our guest on social media:Have A Wordhttps://facebook.com/haveawordpodhttps://twitter.com/haveawordpodhttps://instagram.com/haveawordpodAdam Rowehttps://facebook.com/adamrowecomedianhttps://twitter.com/adamrowecomedyhttps://instagram.com/adamrowecomedianDan Nightingalehttps://facebook.com/danhasapodcasthttps://twitter.com/danhasapodcasthttps://instagram.com/danhasapodcastShane Toddhttps://twitter.com/ShaneToddhttps://instagram.com/ShaneToddComedyADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Now then, ladies and gents, welcome to the Have A Word podcast. Hope you enjoyed today's episode. Before we start, I'd like to tell you about my new stand-up special. Dan Nightingale's special is on the Have A Word YouTube page. Go and watch it now, like, subscribe, share it, tell a friend, enjoy. I think it's some of the best stand-up I've ever done. I hope you like it. I do not have a new special yet because I am still on tour

and we kick off again this week going all over the country there's 33 dates including some big ones that we're going back to for the second time like leeds and places we haven't been yet like blackpool and cardiff still got three dates in liverpool to do i'm going all over the place adam road.co.uk forward slash tour all the data there 33 still to come they're starting to sell out and i'm dead excited to get back on the road because I've been bored for a month since the last one. It's an incredible show.

Go and see it. I'm going to do some comparing this year. 2024 is me going to be hosting and comparing. Come and see me doing Dan Nightingale and Fiends

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Go, Ed. Get on me. Oh, get off my big old sneakers. Ah, I am going to get into hiking. You're too exasperated. I'm off the shite, right? I'm off the shite. Oh, you are the definition of, I've stopped the limo, I'm going to climb Mo' I'm off the shite. Oh, you are the definition of, I've stopped the limo, I'm going to climb Mo' Vammer. Fresh Sundays.

But he's not going to do it in a scouse way, is he? He's going to wear tweed while he's doing it and have a walking stick. A staff. It's not just a stick. I can totally see that as well. Go on, kids. I'm not taking the fucking kids up Mo Farah

no someone else's kids I'm taking someone else's kids I'm taking kids hostage where am I hiding them at the top of Snowdon they'll never think of that okay is this just

is this what every former cokehead does it's the most cliched thing I've ever heard it's not really about that although it is about that because Laura's literally got I'm on last warning and then i'm gonna lose my wife and i don't want to she's dead sound doesn't matter there's 10 000 others out there for you i mean she's the one you know and i've known that for about 24 hours but i i've just feel an urge in me to just i've i've bought some 32 short walking pants from crarag Hoppers. And I mean, you know,

that's where you get the quality stuff for walking. Every single woman who's watching has just dried the fuck up. Get the kitchen roll out, girls. I'm going to be in Crag Hoppers. 32 short, I'm probably 34. But once I've been up Snowdon twice, I'll be a 32. And I'm going to get some hikings. I'm going to get some hikings.

That's what we call it. If you're a hiker, you just call it the hikings. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is this part, so there's two things, there's a lot going on here, isn't there? Is it because A,

you know, you've lost your one addiction and you know it's got to be gone for good or you're going to lose your wife, you know? And it's fair. So you need another addiction, which is what every coke head does.

They go, right, I can't do that anymore. So I climb mountains and I sniff the air rather than this fucking Charlie, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah can't do that anymore. So I climb mountains and I sniff the air rather than this fucking Charlie. You know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And is it also because you've noticed that even though you've been a coke head,

you've put quite a lot of weight on. So now you're going to put even more weight on because of the lack of coke. Yeah. Am I getting fatter? Am I much fatter? No. You're noticeably fatter than you were at one point. Not only because you're so much thinner, you're making me look fatter.

I'm not like loads fatter. I'm probably in and around the same. But if you keep skinning out for your gay Paris marathon, like you're making me look bad. So I'm going to get up the, I'm going to go Mo-Vam-I. What's it called?

Mo-Vam-I. No, don't ask him. Mo-Vam-I. Yeah. Say it again. Mo-Vam-I. And how do you say Snowden? Er-with-va. Moilvamma. Moilvamma. No, don't ask him. Moilvamma. Yeah. Say it again. Moilvamma. It's Moilvamma. And how do you say Snowden?

Er, with that. You nailed it. He fucked it up. Snowden. How do you say? Moilvamma. It's Moilvamma. It's M-O-V-A-M-A.

Yeah. That's what you mean. Moilvamma. Moilvamma. Moilvamma. It's basically a hill. You're going to do Ben Nevis. Where's Ben Nevis?

Wales. Scotland. Maybe, yeah. I'll do Grisedale. I'll do a hike with you. Oh, that'd be nice. Mo Vama is like half the size of Snowdon, pretty much exactly. Careful.

Is there a pub at the top of Mo Vama? No. I don't think so. Genuinely, I'm not going to say that. Mo Vamme is quite easy. Yeah. Yeah. What's Snowdon?

What are we talking? What's the level? Snowdon's are there. Mo Vamme, when I was at school, we went on a day trip to Mo Vamme and the teachers told us there was a Mahi's on the top. And when we got up there, they all gave us an ambusier and told us to fuck off.

You're looking at two hours up Snowdon if you're doing it in a decent time. And you wonder why he's angry. Is Snowdon like climbing? Yeah, yeah. What? No. What's it?

Yeah. Or is it just walking? It's all just walking. Just gets quite steep and challenging at times on Snowden. But it's, it's,

it's all walkable. When are you going to do your first one? I don't know what's happened. It's not, it genuinely isn't about, like, it's not really about addiction or stuff? I don't know what's happened. It's not, it genuinely isn't about, like, it's not really about addiction or stuff.

I think it might be my age. I think I've just got to the point where I'm like, I want to, I want to just feel the fucking breeze and not be with my family and be up a hill, you know. You want to be as far away from your family as physically possible. What I'm going to do now is I'm just going to drink Guinness. It's the greatest gift you've ever given to me. I mean, doing this podcast with you has changed my career and life,

but Guinness is probably a very close second because I absolutely... What? I absolutely love it. It's just a drink. So now I'm going to do Guinness. No one cares. I'm going to drink Guinness.

Okay, I'll keep drinking milk. Stop mentioning it. No one's asked. Guinness. No one cares. I'm going to drink Guinness. Okay, I'll keep drinking milk. Stop mentioning it. No one's asked. Guinness does my head in. But you're asked. Fucking hell. How bothered you are? For the day you sat there for an hour and a half

talking about Guinness and me and Finn wanted to kill each other. And I was going for it. Where was this? In the pub. I sit through the Japanese toilet chat. I mean, I was sitting in the pub for 90 minutes talking about our boobs. When did we for 90 minutes talking about our books.

When did we spend 90 minutes talking about Guinness? It was like during the match-ish. Just after the match. You just got blathered and we knew because you used the word also ran. As soon as I heard that, I went, Adam's blathered. Do you know when I knew he was bingoed? You don't know.

I've had my beer when I'm on the aisle, you know. You're like, you're pissed, you. And I'm like, yeah, I am. I didn't say that. Is it a crime? I didn't say that. Is it a crime? Adam's pissed over there.

And what? I'm in a few with me friends. You were driving. On a lovely Sunday. You were driving at the time. Is it a crime over there? Is it a crime over there? Is it a crime to rob a bank? Man, it's just a fucking drink.

Well, I'm going to try and combine Guinness and hiking. So everywhere I hike, there'll be Guinness involved. It's going to be great. You have worked in bars. Yeah. And you care about how good cocktails taste. Of course. Yeah.

Same thing. But imagine if I was sat there going, lad, this margarita is a 15 out of 10. Oh my God, it's actually better in Mexico. It wouldn't be a 15 out of 10 if you made it, but. It would be too limey. It's so bitter. Even if Guinness was like,

this is the most amazing tasting thing. Wow. It is. At the bottom of all that, it's a drink. That's it. It's a way of life. It's all I've got.

I'm whittling down options here. Why does it bother you so much that people enjoy their lives? No, I love that you enjoy it. No, but you don't. I'm hearing you talking about the same conversation. Do you know what it is? It's because we have fun. It's because we have fun and you see us having fun and you're sat there

sober with your fourth Diet Coke on your phone, texting a fucking builder going, oh, I've got to pay 97 grand to put six more bricks on my house and we're having fun. Not far off. We're having fun and far off we're having fun and you're jealous of it because you don't like the feeling of being drunk because then you're not in control of your life and your decisions and stuff and you can't pick the right builder

and whatnot so you can't get pissed and we're sat there having the time of our lives actually taking an interest because we're not just drinking for the sake of drinking either we're not like you where you're like oh once a year i get bladdered and I just drink fucking anything. No, I'm enjoying me bevy. Is that a fucking bad Guinness? I don't want it, sir. I'll go just down the road or I'll hop across the Irish Sea on a little easy Jeff flight

and I'll get myself a few little Guinness from the Arsh Garvin fucking inn in the middle of Arsh Garvin. The Andre Arsh Garvin inn. Great GAA club. Fucking skills. Just a stout, innit? Yeah, but it's good. And if you put enough care and attention into it,

it tastes fantastic. I love that Adam thinks that's why you don't drink. He can't drink because he loses control. That is why he doesn't drink. And he just builds extensions. That is why he doesn't drink. I've had five fucking margaritas, and 15 out of 10.

I need an orangey. Oh, two oranges. Get on me. Come round. I met you at a petrol station to see you at my house in 20 minutes. Seneca, put your biff away.

There's builders coming round. All of that. And they better be fucking polite to me. All of that. That's not even a joke, is it? That's a fucking nice car. What's your address?

See you in 20. That's one of the reasons he doesn't drink. He doesn't like the feeling of not being in control. That's the reason they don't get blathered, yeah. What, of house improvements? No, just generally.

Oh. I just have paint and walls, right? Yeah, yeah. He's never cheated on me. He doesn't, you know, he always comes home, but he does go to B&Q on the way. He spent 10 grand. He brought a new patio back.

I don't know how he got it here. I cried last night. In two Ubers. What? I cried last night. Did you? Why? Watching Love on the spectrum

why it was it was just so it was a happy cry I mean I know the did someone autistic get sucked off

yeah I was like oh my god no Carl can I just before you start we I know what meeting

we had with the accountants before in the afternoon it wasn't totally a happy cry oh I was fragile last night it's the end of the tax year

we're all talking to accountants and comedians and podcasters we're not always happy crying but it was that and then also I was fragile

as it was I was like I am because it's been a shit day so just leave me I felt like that yesterday but a run sorted me out I'd have loved a Guinness

to top it off but I've decided I'm off the aisle for a couple of times I'd have loved a Guinness to top it off but I've decided I'm off the aisle for a couple of times I'd have loved a hike and a Guinness a couple of times a fucking guinea

this guy called Sabode Indian guy the autism doesn't get me there's a girl with Down Syndrome and she was fucking made up

she's like this is all I've ever wanted hang on I thought it was called love on the spectrum so aren't they all autistic because Down Syndrome is not a spectrum and being Indian isn't either She's like, this is all I've ever wanted. Hang on. I thought it was called Love on the Spectrum. Yeah. So aren't they all autistic? No, because... Because Down syndrome's not a spectrum.

And being Indian isn't either. Do you know... No, it's Love on the Spectrum. He's 20% Indian, him. Hey. So that's why he's here. It always makes me laugh that someone might be trying to have a word for the first time today

and being like oh god it's mainly about self-improvement i tell you what they do have a bit of back and forth they're obviously mates but there's a little bit of needle i'm sorry down syndrome is not a spectrum though is it no it's a oh i'm not saying it is you can't have them on that show can you listen the show is about there's main characters who've all got autism and they're dating other people with with special needs

like Indian no the Indian guy is majorly autistic right okay that makes sense but the girl who they've matched them with

she's got Down Syndrome and at the end of the date she was just beaming she was like this is all I've ever wanted she was so happy and I was like holy shit

so is she like the people who sign up for uniform dating even though they don't work in fucking the busies or whatever yeah she signed up for Indian dating yeah

indianautisticdating.com we own that but she was so happy I was just like until they came out you gonna cry I was like no and then I just started crying

I've actually never seen her dance and I'm personally upset exactly she was so she was like this is all I've ever wanted I a dancer in person upset exactly she was so she was like this is all I've ever wanted I just want to date someone I just want someone to love

and I was like oh I'm dead and just cried my eyes out and did the Indian one he was made up he reciprocated her yeah he was like we need to be careful

those three months rule you get blinded by love for three months in three months they might ace each other so just you know we need to little there's a girl

we need to check in on them after a while there's a girl called Danny and she interrupted somebody on her first date and said I'm sorry I am in love with you we need to little there's a girl checking on them after a while there's a girl they're called danny and uh she interrupted somebody on her first date and said i'm sorry uh i am in love with you you're so hot on the first date and he went can i have a break like she went yeah yeah i'm in love with you by the way oh it's such it's such a wholesome tv i usually don't like dating shows and stuff

but it's fucking but if there's people with special needs on it it's more fun it's mad because you feel like you're laughing at them but you're not

you're just happy for them yeah because there's some funny things they say and you laugh of course but you're just so happy for them yeah they try and make it

supportive and everything don't they they're not trying to victimize anyone no it does sometimes feel like with the old like the undatables and love on the spectrum that we are teetering towards like look at these mad cunts that's what it is well the thing is love on the spectrum is a lovely title with warmth behind it the undatables we said this last night is a fucking horrible title isn't it yeah like the undatables is a fucking horrible title, isn't it?

Yeah. Like, The Undatables is like, no one wants to fuck these, so let's try and make them fuck each other on a telly for money. Yeah.

And how will we pick how we do it? Here we go. Indian Autistic will play Down Syndrome. Play. Interesting tie. Oh, man, watch that.

Game of FIFA. Winner gets the draw. It's fucking wonderful. And it's, they're all speaking English Rod Stewart's doing the draw. It's fucking wonderful. And they're all speaking English like it's their second language. It is for one of them. Because they've been taught how to do social interaction.

They're like, hello, how are you? And they go, I'm great. How about you? It's wonderful. Give it a watch if you haven't watched it. It's on Netflix. Yeah, there's a lot of thought process being said out loud.

Like, what do you like? Oh, I shouldn't have asked that. That's literally that, yeah. And you're like, oh God, you're living it for them. That's also Will Hutchby. Is it real then? That's real.

It's real. What do you like? I shouldn't have asked that. Loving the real. I'm your prison officer. Loving real. Indian Autistic plays real smack head. Interesting time.

What do you mean please? Why do you keep saying please? That's an FA cup draw, isn't it? Oh, I see. Yeah. For the audio, I was doing an FA cup draw. But yeah, I cried.

I don't usually cry and I feel like maybe I'm a crier now. I don't mind it. I felt better after it. When was your last cry before this? I couldn't tell you. So you cried once last night and now you think you're a crier?

No, but I mean, I didn't feel any less. I didn't feel emasculated or... I feel like, oh, I feel better now. Weird. What about your hangover cries? Does that count?

Because after... Do you cry hungover? After Bongo's bingo, I went back and Laura was like, we're just having a bit of a lazy day. The kids have had, it was like the last week of school or whatever and uh she was like let's just chill out i got back about 11 it was just the weather wasn't very nice and we watched i watched

little women with etta can they feel the trans i watched the whole of the 2019 yeah The new one. Good God. I cried so much. On the seventh round of tears, and it's hung over, and I'm feeling like a dirtbag because I've stayed out late, and my little daughter's next to me, and I'm like, oh God. I'm such a crier when I'm hung over.

If it's an emotional film, I don't even think Little Women's that bad, but it just caught me. Have you always been that, or is it since I've had kids? I've cried at the Simpsons a couple of times. Yeah. There are some hard-hitting bits in the Simpsons.

There's some beautiful moments. I don't get it with cartoons. I wouldn't cry, but I'm like, oh, I get it. Like when people cry it up, people always say they cry it up. Oh man, come on. It's a cartoon, I can't connect to it. Like I like watching it.

And I get it. Because it's a cartoon, it doesn't get me. It's just meant to give you the emotion of, imagine that was you. Yeah, but I can't because I'm not a cartoon. He needs to go and live on the spectrum. What? He needs to go and live on the spectrum.

I cannot see myself in this cartoon. It's not me, so I don't relate. That isn't me though, is it? It's like the same reason I don't watch like black porn because that's not my dick. I mean,

I am with him on that. You are also not like Ryan Gosling. You know when you watch big white dick porn, that's not your dick either, really, is it? No, but it could be.

Okay. I'm with him on that one. Could be with a little bit of fluffing. Yeah. When I watch black porn I just pretend to be black in my own

what do you do? no no Lee first read? probably not probably not I wonder if it's like

is it aphantasia? yeah aphantasia where you can't yeah I've got a man's eye I don't think I think Laura reckons she can't do it she was like...

Well, the only way to find out, does she dream? Yeah, I suppose so. She hasn't got a Fantasia, though. All right. But she was like... Does she dream in pictures? You can dream in words.

But she was like, just ask me to imagine something. And I was like, all right, a horse running down a street in Ireland or something. And she was like, yeah, I know what you're talking about.

I can't picture it. Yeah, she hasn't got a mind's eye. So I wonder if that's almost like a weird equivalent thing where you can't see yourself as something. What's blocking you seeing yourself? Why can't you feel empathy for an animation? Like, I'm genuinely asking. I'm interested.

Because I'm not an animation and I haven't got a big black dick. Wow. What animation? Like, I'm genuinely asking. I'm interested. Because I'm not an animation and I haven't got a big black dick. Wow. What animation? What part of Up is this? Get it up. Oh my God. You don't need balloons for this dick.

Like, I just... I know, but I know I'm not a cartoon. Like, do you know what I mean? So everyone, we all know, we're not going, oh, fucking, I'm loving this because I'm a talking dog. So, like, do you know, like, when you watch all know, we're not going, oh, fuck it, I'm loving this because I'm a talking dog. So like,

do you know like when you watch Toy Story, you're not like, yeah, good, I'm a toy. I don't cry at Toy Story either. No, I know, but why can everyone else go,

that's really emotional because we get what it represents. But why, what's blocking you from going, I'm not a cartoon, so this is sick. I think I have to be able to believe it's real

and cartoons aren't real. No, but can you not believe that someone's lost their wife? Yeah. That's all you get to say, isn't it? Yeah, but not a wife. I think for me to get genuinely empathetic and upset and emotional about something, I have to be able to suspend my belief

that what I'm watching is real. Okay. And I can't do that when it's someone who's been drawn. Yeah, that's not aphantasia. No, man. In the same vein, do you not like sci-fi and stuff that's a bit fantastical? I don't watch a lot of stuff like that, so maybe. You like Harry Potter, though.

Yeah. But also, I don't think that that's definitely not real. No. Order, order. I know what he means. No, hang on. What? definitely not real no order order I know what he means no hang on what no I mean what

it's not impossible yeah Harry Potter's more likely to be real than up excuse me it isn't impossible is it what like just because

like just because Star Wars is impossible just because it was real actors that just because it was real actors that just because it's real actors that played the parts yeah

I don't know if they were real actors they're all quite bad for the first two aren't they I'm a wizard but that's more believable I don't think you've seen it yeah

right Harry Potter it could be real that's just a fact whereas like I don't know give me a wild film like the the following up fact. Whereas, like, I don't know. Give me a wild film. The following up ones with the Fantastic Beasts.

I don't believe it. That can't be real. Why do you look confused? Because I don't understand. Sorry, hang on. Hang on, hang on. So something from the world of Harry Potter can't be real, but Harry Potter can?

No, because it's all, like, mad fucking bits. Listen, that's a mad example. Harry Potter is set in the real world with people. And the idea is there is a secret wisdom world that people like us don't know about. And I can suspend my belief that that's the case. Because you can see real people on the screen playing those wizards.

Yeah. All right, cool. If it was real, we wouldn't know. Yeah. Because in the film, we don't know. But nowhere in the world are there houses floating around with balloons that are made of cartoons so there isn't no no no i i i get it's all made a really good reasonable point but i know yeah but avatar but it's but it's shite i

love it how you're basically saying if i can see real people doing anything, it's believable. I can empathise with it. I can get attached to it. Titanic seems real when you watch it. Avatar doesn't. I thought like the Avengers. No, bollocks. But why is that bollocks in Harry Potter? Because they fly.

Does Harry Potter not fly? On a broomstick. Oh, sorry. If Captain America was flying around on a broomstick, you'd be like, yeah, fair. Genuinely, yeah. Jetpacks. Yeah, they do. Iron Man has a jetpack. Exactly. Genuinely, yeah. Jetpacks. Yeah, they do.

Iron Man has a jetpack. Exactly. I can get on board with Iron Man, especially Ben Kingsley's role. Funny scene, that means. What happens? He plays the Mandarin, doesn't he? He does.

Ben Kingsley in Iron Man 2 or Iron Man 3. Yeah, 2. Doesn't he? And it's one of the best scenes in... But also in that world ant-man exists yeah yeah not possible in in harry potter world a little fucking goblin called dobby exists what you mean no that's the bit that doesn't that's not believable because that's animated so you

don't think you don't think a small person with goblin features could exist? I know one. You live in Rome? In the city, no. You've watched The Undatables. It's not... I'm just confused. I don't understand this. That's possible. A small person with goblin features who like socks.

I will get more invested in The Avengers than I will in a cartoon. You haven't said it, have you? No! Finn, I think Adam gives a shit. Carl's just decided to go with this fucking direction of the wind. Ant-Man exists. Aquaman. They're not...

A person can't shrink down to the size of an ant. Soz. A person can't be a wizard. How do you know? Well, how do you know that an Ant-Man can't exist? It's not physically possible. What? Neither is being a wizard.

What is going on? What do you mean it's not... What do you mean it's not physically possible. What? Neither is being a wizard. What is going on? What do you mean it's not? What do you mean it's not possible to be a wizard? Can you hear yourself? Do you know what it is? It's believability on the spectrum, right? So cartoons, completely unbelievable. Then Avengers is close to that

because superheroes, bollocks and that. But it's still more believable than Up or The Lion King or whatever, right? And then after that, it's like Harry Potter. And then after that, it's like when Harry met Sally. Titanic. I couldn't have guessed what film was coming. What do you believe more, The Lion King or The Truman Show?

Yeah, I know what you mean. Yeah, yeah, okay. So why are you arguing with us then? No, I just... Like, I just find it interesting that something you can't empathise with, to the point where you're like, I'm disconnected with this,

I don't get why this is emotional. Where it's all just a representation of characters. It's all just a representation of characters. They're just doing it different ways. I get why it's emotional. It doesn't make me emotional. Every time we talk about something at the moment, we have a fucking Benny.

I'm not having a go. Because you'remoody you know this is literally every discussion at the moment you're a fucking idiot right i stop being an idiot like i i'm just interested by it like i i find it interesting how it works where you can't empathize with a cartoon i find that fascinating yeah i get i get where he's coming from but i not like that. And he's being a gobshite with it. No, yeah, Ant-Man's ridiculous, but, you know, wizards. Sound. That car. It's not physically impossible

to have a wand that can do something, but to shrink to the size of an ant is. I mean... That's not true. It is. Name me one pair. Is it slightly coloured by the fact

that you all love Harry Potter loads Dynamo exists yeah have you ever seen another person he doesn't use a wand

okay he's that good he doesn't need one yeah Voldemort doesn't always use his wand no but he's also not doing the spells that you do in Harry Potter

he's doing sleight of hand tricks no that's what he says oh it's all actual make dead and blind one't i can't argue with this anymore the avengers is a load of shite harry potter belter okay so then chris nolan's batman that's set more in the real world really there's no powers in it it's just a strong man with loads of money you do believe that yeah okay cool that's a lot that's a lot more sort of real. And if there was sadness in it, yeah.

Batman being called a superhero is a bit mad as well, isn't it? Because he's not actually got... He's just a strong man who's a billionaire. Yeah. I think that's why Batman's so popular, really. Because it's more... Anyone could be Batman. And that's why those films,

they're better than any other superhero films because they are no Avengers is the biggest film of all time yeah with all the fucking gims have you watched

the new Batman the Batman the one that came out a few years like only a couple of years ago I really I went into that

going I'm not gonna like this as much as the is it the Christopher Nolan one yeah it's still fucking really good

it's well done. It's great. Yeah. The Ben Affleck one, Ben Affleck one, not so good, though. They made him grunge, didn't they?

They've just made him a fucking Nirvana fan. Yeah. You see, I liked it. I mean, the Christopher Nolan one, I don't think you're ever

going to beat that. Talking about Ben Kingsley, which we were 15 minutes ago um have you seen sexy beast because they've made a series of sexy beast and but that is ben kingsley's best part what is the day in show sexy beasts no the late 90s film sexy beast about an old london gangster who tries to retire to Spain and gets dragged back into a bank job. And Ben Kingsley's like the guy that goes over to get him.

Ray Winston plays the lead character. Can I recommend a film if you've not seen it? Fucking Sexy Beast. Sounds like a bit of me. And Ben Kingsley's part in it is absolutely unreal. It's some of the most intense bad guy acting you'll ever see. He's a psycho. Lucky number 11, Ben Kingsley, fire film.

If you're watching Ben Kingsley films. Mate, give Sexy Beast a watch next time. I thought someone might have watched the series. I don't know much about it, but it's on my watch list. Harry, last night, told me to sign up for letterboxd have you heard of it no so it's like um a film app where you put you can like put every film you've ever watched on and give it a rating and it can kind of it can people can see what films you've watched you can recommend films it'll recommend films to you it's kind of like a

new kind of social media thing, but just for films. I might download that because I genuinely, I'm starting to really, really worry about my attention span. Can't get past the first like five, 10 minutes. I just like, I need something like that gives me a focus that gets me off that phone. You just have to see these then. No, it doesn't work.

Really? Cinema. That's what I have to do. Yeah, but like you can't go to the i have yeah but like you can't go to the fucking cinema every day and you can't go to the cinema and watch three films in a day like sometimes when i'm having a lazy night i'm struggling to go right i'm gonna watch a film i'll put a film on and then i'm on my phone for the entire time just listening to the film yeah but you don't have to go every day to the cinema if you go once and every yeah you know what he

means is sometimes you want to sit down and watch something. That doesn't solve the attention to my problem. I go to the cinema once a week, but the other six days, I'm just on my phone all night. Like it's so bad. And it's easier if you're with someone and you go, hey, let's watch this properly.

Cause then your partner or your mate goes, hey, put that down. What are you doing? And you go, like you said it with Serica. You sat down to watch Pulp Fiction. And then she just went on her phone and you went, what are you doing? She went, I donp Fiction. Oh, yeah. And then she just went on her phone and you went,

what are you doing? She went, I don't even know. Yeah, she didn't know why she did that. But if I don't have Laura there, or if I'm just watching something on my own, the temptation to just be like, oh yeah, I'm in it. Even with the NFL playoffs, I've been waiting all season. Like through the divisional round, I got to the third game.

I've been looking forward to these games. And I realized about halfway through the third game i was just i'd been scrolling for ages and i the score was up but i hadn't watched the last half an hour 40 minutes of play like when we go and watch the super bowl we should all leave our phones at home yeah i won't i don't have a problem yeah i know you mean screen time block so can't you you can you can make it so you can't use your phone yeah but then you can just turn that off yeah you can but yeah and that's what i'll do you wanted to do it that much even though you've made an effort to not do it it's an addiction it's an addiction isn't it i'm not saying i haven't got it but i'm saying i'm maybe less

so than you then because i do you know what's on my everything everything that's ever existed is that where you end up it's just do you know if i come into... Everything. Everything that's ever existed is on your phone. Is that where you end up? It's just... Do you know if I come into work and sometimes I leave my phone in the lobby because I'm like, if I do that, I'll work quicker. I'll export a clip.

And while the clip's exporting, I will automatically just go to grab my phone even though it's not there. And I go, my phone's not there. I'll wait. And then I do it again. And as I export the next clip, I go, it's not there. There's a fucking weird thing in me to just, my phone's not there. I'll wait. And then I do it again. And as I export the next clip, I go, my God, it's not there.

There's a fucking weird thing in me. I had to just grab my phone. Like when we stop, sorry, Finn. When we stop recording, everyone just go. 100%. Because what if you've missed something? What if someone's messaged you? What if there's work?

All our work when stand-up comes through your phone. A lot of, when we're not here, a lot of the notifications that i get are they have a word group and it's there's sometimes we go a day and there isn't a notification it's quite unusual and i realize i've not been on my phone as much uh it's it's so easy to be drawn into it but then can you just put it to the side for once you know why i like last week i went swimming a couple of times

I was like god I really enjoyed that and I do like swimming it's fun but you can't have your fucking phone you can't have a podcast in you actually just have to

have half an hour with your thoughts and it's kind of nice I went like in the summer when I was playing a lot of golf I didn't take my phone

out my bag for the entire round and it's four hours and I would get to the end which is a lot for you it's a lot for anyone you feel great don't you like the other night we were in the new and I would get to the end which is a lot for you like it's a lot for anyone you feel great don't you like the other night

we were in the new flat I'm in I live with Jack and a lad called Keelan and Keelan was like have you ever seen the film The Cavalry with Brendan Gleeson

and it's the same director and writer as like Imbrugner and he put it on and I didn't get to the end of it and went to bed and last night we were in the house

and he was like do you want to watch the end of the cavalry you didn't see the last half an hour did you and i was like i couldn't tell you anything that happened in the first however much of it i watched because i just didn't watch it and it needs to stop there's um i think i don't know if any of you get it i definitely get it um phantom vibration syndrome where you've got your phone in your pocket and you'll think it's vibrated because you're used to it and you'll get it out and it's not done anything that's also a common thing there's also things that will just happen though like your phone will just like if you have another thing from uber eats or whatever it's like you're hungry order this now then oh yeah yeah it's like you know i'm looking at your phone you know it's

five o'clock six o'clock horrible. Go on, eat something there. I have most of my notifications off now. I've even turned my WhatsApp and text notifications off and I don't get any messages until I actually go and look for them. And then the app goes, hey, you haven't got push notifications on. You need to stick that on, don't you?

Why don't you do that? You're like, no, Instagram. I'm already on you all the time. I've got Seneca's notifications on me banners. That's it, nothing else. Wait till I'm hiking, mate. No phones.

Just me, two pints of Guinness up Snowdon. When are you going to go for your first one? I'd love to go next week. Okay, let's go then. So Dan, I've been on...

I'd fucking love it. I googled more of my and Snowdon and you can actually leave a Google review for those places. Nice.

So I've gone low to high. Is there a one-star review? Yeah, there's loads of one-star reviews. This is from Jeff. Too tall, too steep, too many rocks. It's also bloody foggy.

It's also comically large. That's more of Am I? That's Snowden. Oh, that's Snowden. Okay. That's Snowden. Do you want a more of Am I one? Too small. Not foggy enough. This is from Pedro. This is more of Am I.

Avoid this Scouse Mountain. I told you. It's full of fucking ex-Lemo heads. We can the gooses on them. Scouse Mountain. Fresh Sundays. And then they go home and fucking get back on the Lemo. I don't really do this Sunday.

What? The 4th do this Sunday what? the 4th this Sunday are we going hiking? I think so yeah as long as I can get some limo in for when we get back what? Scouse Mountain sounds fucking quality

someone's left a review on as long as I can be back for R4 let's watch the it's dark R4 perfect someone's put on the more of Am I One.

I don't know if they're listening to the podcast. They put no McDonald's and no electricity at the top. Too bad. Don't do it. That does sound. That does sound a bit. It sounds a bit poddy. I'll do it.

This Sunday morning. The hiking special. Or we could just go hiking and not film everything we ever do. No, I'll film it. Yeah, yeah. We don't hang out together unless we film it. Let's get there. Get there for 8am.

An 8am-er? Bring it. No. Finn? No. You lived here? I don't finish my gig on Saturday night until midnight. I won't be home until like one o'clock.

I'm in Hull. UFC's are Saturday night. Yeah, but Hull tomorrow, am I'm in Hull. UFC's are tough. Hull to Mulvah Mai. It's classic. Can we do a bit later? Can we do like 11? I'll do 11.

Yeah, that's a good one. 10. I'll settle with you at 10. Finn's just thinking of ways to cancel it. It's an hour and 10 minutes from here. Go on. 10 o'clock. Finn's not coming.

It's 40 minutes from my house. I can do it. You can't invoice overtime. That's all I'm saying. 10 o'clock. Finn's not coming. 40 minutes from my house, I can do it. You can't invoice overtime. 10 o'clock, Sunday morning. What have I? Yeah, go on. Yes. I bring the Guinness. Well, that was nice.

That was fun, wasn't it? See you in a bit. And welcome back. After the chat at the phone, Adam's on his phone. Welcome back, anyone. Trying to sort football tickets, Carl. The football game tonight. The soccer. We love football.

Liverpool on quite the run. Winning things and kicking balls. Scoring headers, taking shots. You're going to win it. You're going to win it you're gonna win it it's gonna be romantic and beautiful that's my flavour of sneaks though and the unusual quadruple

what? be better than watch this if we won all four it's yellow snow yellow snow is it? oh it's called yeah blizzard

yellow snow it's very zesty word ten, it's called, yeah, Blizzard Yellow Snow. It's very zesty. Word 10, probably. Is it actually called Yellow Snow? Yeah, Blizzard Yellow Snow. Weird name. You should never eat that. Yeah.

Well, it's not. We've named our fucking drink after pissy ice. There you go. Buy that. Let me just reaffirm. It's not piss. It's just piss. No, it's not piss.

Everyone feeling? How's everyone feeling? Irritated. Irritated. Let's roll with it. Let's roll with it. Let's do some pet peeves. That doesn't have to do my head in.

Your greatest work. It is. So, got some pet peeves. This is from Alex. Yes, boys. Got a pet peeve for you all. When you sit down at a pub or a restaurant and you get a table with uneven legs.

So whenever someone leans on it, the table goes uneven. Same applies to chairs. A whole nother percent. And then they come over and try to fix it and don't. I mean, fix it very temporarily for like 10 seconds, then it's gone again. Just get the beer, man.

Get a beer, man. As a grown man, this is one of those things that you just need to know how to do as a grown man you need to know how to do this and make women come and then you're sorted coasters are your friends at the same time if you can do both i'm just gonna get a napkin fold over use a coaster for you come and say oh my god no napkins don't work do they not needs to be a solid like four or five coasters. For making women cum? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. That is annoying. Yeah. Right, next one. This is from Cameron Hancock. Very small pet peeve when you're at a card only checkout and asks you to select

the payment type despite there only being one option. I actually really love that one, yeah. I'm fired here, baby. In Tesco. Yeah, yeah.

Card only. Please select payment option and there's one option. Yeah. Is it card or contactless? Yeah, Tesco. Yeah, yeah. Card only. Please select payment option, and there's one option. Is it card or contactless? You're like, same thing. Yeah, mad. Wow. Shouldn't even have to select it.

Once you're through, it should come up. Everyone is... It's boots that fuck this up. Tesco is great. You don't have to select anything in Tesco. You just... The second you've scanned your last item, it's just ready to be tapped.

And also, you don't have to press start either. You can just scan and it'll start for you. Tesco is elite. In my court, when they're serving you, they wait for you to get the card out. Oh, you're paying card. You're like, everyone's paying card. Just assume.

And then we'll backtrack. Now, where are you shopping now? It's just the co-op. Yeah, the co-op's full of fucking old biddies, isn't it? Yeah. Turning up going, oh, let me get rechanged how much is it 111 pounds 111 pounds um i also like in tesco no they don't even ask about um tesco club cards they just wait with the beeper i know they're just like you know you've got one you want to save 14 i need to get

one of them oh it's the goat loyalty it's insane that you haven one. You want to save 14p on this. I need to get one of them. Oh, it's the goat loyalty. It's insane that you haven't got one. You'll save 14p on every shot. They've changed the game. Well, no, what I've done a few times is just use my ex-girlfriends. I've just got a screenshot of. So she's getting all the points, but I'm making the same.

I've got a screenshot of mine as well. Your ex-girlfriends? Oh. Your ex-girlfriends? Where are you at with the self-scan? Because Laura is pretty committed to it and it does make sense isn't it really she's the steel that's what i think yeah as in the one where you're going i'll say this right now i love that woman she's a fucking tea leaf she's an absolute how do they

check what you've did they weigh it at the end basically i think they weigh i think they weigh it up they go they don't look scummyummy. It's just easier to let them go. I think Laura hides in plain lower middle class site. Are you talking about the one where you just walk out the shop with your trolley and you've already scammed it up? No, that's just stealing. If you just fill a trolley and just walk out with it.

No, you get your own scammed on your thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, right, okay. So what I do is I go, that's a great idea, babe. And then just wander around throwing shit in the thing. She's like, you've not not done it I'm crap at it and it does make it dead easy

it feels like more effort to me and I don't know why it is more effort for you it's not at all if you put your fucking bags for life in the trolley you're literally beeping it you're filling your bags as you go you get to the end you just scan the gun put it back and it goes sound

80 quid or whatever 111 pounds so it doesn't how do you steal dead easy you can you can steal that easy anyway everyone at least weighs it on the self you can steal dead easy doing this and i think if you look like you're not stealing they're like sound anyone who's watching this going we're gonna fucking steal they're probably onto you i'd swear like it's it's it's easy to steal but it's also dead easy even if you're not stealing it's just a bit you do judge them though as i'm walking around like gimp yeah laura's a gimp and she's a thief that is that god i love her though right next one she's she's the one this is from charlotte miller when

someone is doing 30 in a 40 miles per hour zone and still breaks before the speed camera. Yes, mate! Absolutely! But I've done it sometimes, you know, when you're not concentrating and you see a speaker, you just sort of bottle it a little bit anyway. Yeah, but you know, like in that moment, you do feel suicidal for a sec.

You go, no, what I mean is when you break and you realise you've broke and you the second. Yeah. You go, no. What I mean is when you break and you realize you've broke and you weren't speeding anyway. Yeah. When people on a 30 mile an hour road are doing the speed limit, they're doing 30 already and they slow to like 24 for the camera.

Here's a question. What? You should be able to just go out and stab their tires. Be like, all right, go slow now, won't you? You're approaching the speed camera. Yeah. At 40. Do you're approaching a speed camera. Yeah. At 40.

Do you drive through a 40? Hang on. Is it a 40 mile an hour zone? Of course, yeah. Yeah, yeah, okay. Do you not slow down at all? No. Because I don't trust them.

Oh. You're a fucking moron, aren't you? I dropped to like 38. You're a tit. Why? I go through a 43. Yeah, of course, 43. No one's ever done it before.

Someone, back in the day, 10% plus one, No one's ever done it for... Someone... 10% is fine. 10% plus one, and it's a dangerous line to play with, but it keeps working. 43, you golden sir. I just don't want to give them a chance. I've never once had a speeding ticket.

Not that I would know, because I don't open my mail. He's got 82 points. I've got nine points. What? Haven't you currently got nine points? I don't know. You have.

Google it. Adam Rowe points if it's 40 I'll just drop to 38 because I don't like the system nah I hate you so much

it's not noticeable if I was it is two miles an hour if I was behind you and I know you're in the right lane I fucking know you're

you're in the right lane on a dual carriageway going through that a 38 and I swear to god I would picture your death. But why are you doing that? Just in case it malfunctions. Oh, and gets you at 39?

Well, it could be off by three miles an hour. You're fucked then, aren't you? No, but I don't... By the way, do you know that you can contest the speaking camera? And do you know how you contest it? They give you the information of that camera and you have to check its service history.

So this is a real thing, by the way. Yeah, you can, yeah. You check the speed camera's service history and if it's out of the service history, you can contest the speed. Carl, because you think it's off. It can't be off. Carl, if it was going off at 39 or 40

or whatever you're saying, like malfunctioning, they'd immediately cancel all the tickets because they'd go, hang on, everyone who's gone through that speed camera today has been done because no one else is a maggot like you. But it can malfunction at 30. Hang on.

The malfunction could happen at any, like you might as well slow down to 30 if you think it's just broken. What you've just said doesn't make sense. It does. They can't see the speed you were going on the picture. So you'll think everyone's been speeding, won't they? What do you mean?

I think they can. What the fuck are you talking about? It'll say you've been speeding. It won't say they've gone through with 39. No, it does, doesn't it? That's what the malfunction would be. But it tells you the speed. Yeah, but if it's broke, it doesn't say properly.

That's the point. What? It could be broke. So I dropped by two miles an hour. Get over it. In fact, I i'm gonna drop to 25 i've known you for a long time right a long time and you've made me laugh more than any anyone else in the world i reckon by being a fucking moron a lot of the time and this is in all the time we've known each other the stupidest thing you've ever said 38 miles an hour they don't they don't record your speed. The speed cameras, they just go speeding.

Don't write it down. No, he's doing three. If it's broke. He's doing 120 mile an hour. Just give him a... No, no, no. All we know is it was too quick. Could be broke.

I get out of the car. I get out of the car, turn the engine off. I push it through on the pavement because that could be malfunctioning. You can never trust them. I heard someone got nine points for doing eight miles an hour through a 40 malfunctioning. And then a gun came

out and it shot him. It was a bad malfunction. A fella contested it and won. He worked out his speed off his thingy. Dash cam. Dash cam. He worked out with a GPS and stuff and took him to court and won. It was like a famous malfunctioning one. And he's drowning and pushing out.

Drowning the fucking 80ate he saved the famous plymouth speed camera no there's a there's a it's what it's done like it's it's a famous broken speed camera you can google sure it's a famous warrington massive it's actually dating an nfl player at the moment famous broken speed have you seen tay Taylor Swift having to bomb it back from Tokyo to be there for the fucking golf soccer? Don't you ever call it golf soccer. Here you go. Notorious speed camera that raked in 865,000 pounds worth of months.

In a month. No one's asked anymore. There you go. So there's a notorious speed camera. I'm already bothered. We're on to Taylor Swift. He's taking pictures of kids as they run past. The thing is, though, in the UK, and I like the NFL,

but it is goth soccer in the UK. No, it's not. It is. No, it's not. Haylen's goth. Even if you call it wool soccer. But I'm not having you... You're misrepresenting goths and NFL players.

No, but goth is what you don't understand. I know. It's a change of the rule. Oh, that's not a woman's bum. That's her bum hole. We just decided, me and Kyle. And now I've got one of the biggest podcasts in the UK.

And that's why everyone thinks Les Dennis is a horse. You have power with these words and you're misusing these words. Goth soccer. There's a spectrum of goths and it can be from full-blown eyeliner, long leather coat, full-blown eyeliner, long leather coat,

bright black hair, all the way to people... NFL fans? To NFL fans. People who work in the fucking Warhammer shop. People who work in CX. They're goths. No! Hang on!

No! You've just given all the goths. You just did all the goths, and then added NFL fans. Dan, if I said to you, CX workers are all NFL fans. No! They fucking fans dan if i said to you cex workers are all nfl fans no no they fucking are if i said to you we're gonna go and watch the goth soccer later you go that's all about the nfl you don't know it's a fact

you wouldn't go what do you mean do you mean no but you can't there is another name for it that i won't say i'll tell you later but goth soccer is a good one yeah but you can't. There is another name for it that I won't say. I'll tell you later. But goth soccer is a good one. Yeah. But you like goth soccer. Do you like the goth soccer? You a goth? Yeah, I'm not a goth. No, neither are you. You're not a goth. But the goths do like the thing we like, you know? Okay. Alright. Fat smelly men. As he says

drinking sneak. How dare you call me a goth? Taylor Swift. The Swifty. She is performing in Tokyo the night before the Super Bowl. Tricky double, Tokyo, Vegas. She's gonna do it though. She's getting a private jet leg, foot and flying, Tokyo to foot in Vegas.

We're going to Las Vegas, baby. Ah, Travis is good value. I can understand why people find him a bit irritating, but... Why do they find him irritating? Because he's a very big character. He's been good for eight, nine, ten years. But he is phenomenal to watch. His college, I think he's always been a chief. The Boston Bastards.

How much are you on the radar, really? What's his job again? And this is a serious question. Is he the guy who pushes people? No, he's always been a chief the Boston Bastards how much are you under the radar really what's his job again and this is a serious question is he the guy who pushes people no he's a tight end I've learned it so he's not a running back

I was wrong what's a tight end do a tight end first of all like could mean like one with a nice bum

she's got a tight end he's got a great bum all anyone with a tighter sphincter they play a tight end basically it's his job to sort of often catch a short pass

so like when Mahomes is like looking down the field and they're like all the the defence the opposition are going he's gonna fucking

throw it down here then Travis Kelsey is just like 20 yards away going ah they're always big they're always big because they start on the line they're at the end of the line they have to block defensive ends who are the most athletic people

on the d right uh so george kittle for the 49ers played at tight end and fucking pancaked aiden hutchinson one of the best players in the league so then it looks like he's blocking he's like nah you're fucking bad cunt and then he he goes, I'm not doing that. Has a little run and goes, look at that, I got the ball. So isn't that dead easy? And I'm bumming Taylor. That sounds really easy. You have to be an absolute specimen.

Like you have to be huge. Six foot five. Like athletic as fuck. It's a pretty specialist position. And he's good, isn't he? What? Travis Kelsey. He's good at it.

He's one of the top three or four all time. He didn't know who he was. That was a fact. I didn't have a fucking clue. I know he played well last year, didn't he? In the Super Bowl. You what? He played well last year in the Super Bowl.

I remember that. He played well in both the Super Bowls that he helped win. Next. Oh, so we've got two rings. That's why they're both tight. Yeah. Get the fucking what? Get off.

Seneca's going to watch the Super Bowl this year. You know all this, and you're being a bummo. You're being a tight end. Seneca, is she coming with us? No, she's watching it all because she wants to see Taylor. She wants to...

There's a jumper and I might buy it and you might not be my friend anymore. And it says, I want the team that Taylor supports to win. I don't mind it. Not us. I'm glad I'm... I'd love to be a Chiefs fan

because it would be fun to win stuff. But I'm now over it. I don't mind it. Also, they seem quite like a genuine couple. I'm not... Like, it's not... Like, they're kind of nice to see. He's like a good looking guy.

He's very talented. He's a big character. His new height. She looks like a pussy. She tastes like cherry drops. Yeah. Yeah, and that's what I was about to say. His podcast with his brother, Jason,

is unbelievable. The clips off that are fucking phenomenal. Why are they so good? I thought American sports were built so you couldn't have like mad, like runs of teams. You get dynasty coaching

coaching and being a well run organisation right but they're not getting the best picks are they getting the worst they're getting the worst picks

at the bottom of every round every year and still are they telling them players are great or it's just the old players good coaching yeah

Isaiah Pacheco they're running back I know we're getting in the weeds it's like 7th round 6th round 7 seventh round looks great looks fucking great because he's got a great o-line great coach so stop breaking before speed cameras that's what we're saying that's what we're saying or speed up from 35 oh my god i love taylor swift's gonna have to speed up getting back from tokyo in time i love goth soccer uh Who's a halftime show? Usher. Usher.

You know what? I'm into it. It's a sneaky one. I think I'm into it because I'm so caught up. Oh, it's going to be sick. Don't know what it is,

but it seems it's got me twisted. Banger. That's weirdly my favorite Usher song. I don't know why. It's got to be Ben or Confessions Part 2.

Right. Confessions. Confessions. That's it, isn't it?'s the original kyle walker in in commissions part two being a bad guy what she spunked up some woman got a pregnancy behind his bed twice he says i'm the original kyle walker is that hello my name is indian russia indian russia. Indian Russia. I'm autistic. Love on the spectrum. It's Usher. He's on the Indian spectrum.

Indian Rush. What a great striker. Usher, they can dance in drum girls. I've watched that. That's in the trailer. Next. Hang on, let me just play the jingle to cleanse myself nice one um so we'll make this the last one this is from cal pet peeve girls who say on

their tinder profile that their love language is bullying it's just a big red flag that they're a mental bitch what does that mean what people on the tinder profiles will say like their love language is i've frequented these apps during every period of my life as a single man and i've never once seen them i think what's happened there it is this guy he's got talking to a girl who's got that in her bio and she's took the piss out of him maybe he's got like a gammy leg or something she's been like i look at your gammy leg and it's upsetting because he's never dealt with the personal trauma of having a gammy leg it's like taking the piss out's never dealt with the personal trauma of having a gammy leg. Is it like taking the piss out of each other?

Yeah, yeah. Right, that's a weird way of saying it. You like that? Sometimes when you explain stuff, it's so, like, yeah, Adam's right. And then you just unpack

what's just been said. Like, imagine if her love language was bullying people with gammy legs. That would be amazing. Like, I know, it's a very specific thing, but I'm into it.

If you were single, though, like, does Laura take the piss out of you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. About would be amazing. Like, I know, it's a very specific thing, but I'm into it. If you were single though, like, does Laura take the piss out of you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. About things you're insecure about? I've got big ear holes. What? Have you?

Let's have a look. Big ear holes. I suppose so, yeah. I've stretched them out with ear plugs. Does she ever take the piss out of you for being bald? Because I know that bothers you.

It doesn't bother me. Does it bother me? How could she do that? Does it bother me? Bald-ay! It doesn't. When you can sit you do that? Does it bother me? Baldi! I don't think it bothers me, you bunch of horrible cunts. What? Are you fucking dying of car crash? No, what?

Do you ever walk in and she's like, Baldi's home! You do bald. Baldi! Baldi! Daddy's got no hair The bald thing winds me up much less than taking the piss out of

the NFL I've been called baldy all day So what if she said you've got a little dick and the goth soccer's on If what? You've got a little dick

the goth soccer's on you'll get more upset by the second bit Come on needle dick come and watch the goth soccer with your big baldy head Needle dick I don't know if that would get me up all the way or 1.2 inches Come on, Needledick. Come and watch the golf soccer with your big baldy head. Needledick.

I don't know if that'd get me up all the way. Or 1.2 inches. Come on, Needledick. The golf soccer with your baldy head. Come on. This is Laura. All right, yeah. No, that's not.

I don't know. What do you say to Laura? That's not the kind of banter we do. Could you handle it? That's not the kind. I don't know. Could you handle it though? Could I handle it? Like if Laura left you? If Laura's gone.

Whoa. Hang on, she's gone. She's gone? Where's she gone? I've got a new bird in town and her red flanagy is calling me a bald fuck. You're on the dating scene, you know? Oh, right, right, right.

I'm on flinge and hange and henge. What's it called? Stonehenge. Hinge. I'm on Stonehenge. I go dating on Stonehenge. That's where I go. I go muslimange and henge. What's it called? Hinge. I'm on stone henge. I go dating on stone henge. That's where I go. I go muslimuniformdating.com.

I'm looking for an imam. Would you take that from a partner? Could you handle it? Talk me through what they're doing. So you're on a date with someone? First date. And they're already doing the bald needle dick banter. That's my red flag.

They haven't even seen it yet either. You're dead. the bald needle dick banter that's my red flag they haven't even seen it yet either you're dead all my needle dick go on I know go on sorry she could have seen your needle dick because you might have sent her a dick pic in the build up no no no no no

I don't think that's sealing the deal on uniformmuslimdating.com I don't think you've got the deal on uniformmuslimdating.com. I don't think. No. You've got no hood. What? You've got no hood. That's good.

I'd be wearing a hood if you're dating Muslims. That could be a positive though when you walk in. You've got no hood. Sit down. Tick. So I'm on this date.

The waiter comes over and he's like, so what are you having? I'm on this date. Well over and he's like so what are you having i'm on this day well ladies first with an ncp is islamic parking attendant right and she goes oi baldy needle dick what the fuck was that picture sit down fatty you into this where have you parked as well it's what am i into it you haven't parked on a hill like you did in Sheffield that time. You know what's going on there, don't we? She's a pod fan. You've got to put your fucking handbrake on,

did you? No, but you get to give it back. You don't use the Muslim stuff, but you use it in appearance. No, I... I don't want to do any of this. You go, shut up. Do you want some soup? I want degradation in the bedroom. I want to get slagged off on called names when we're having sex. I want... I want degradation in the bedroom.

I want to get slagged off on cold names when we're having sex. I don't want it in Bella, Italy. You do not want to be called a fat, bald, needle-dick cunt in bed.

No. You're not doing it right. You're not doing it sexy. Look at your prescription. That's getting worse, isn't it? What do you like? Getting bullied? Yeah.

I don't like this. I don't want it from Laura or this NCP car park attendant. What's that on your toe, Dan? Get your dick out. Come here. Come here, you. Come here.

Have you got your psoriasis cream on? Come here. No, I don't like it. No, I don't think I could handle it. I don't think I'd be into it. I don't think you would. I don't think any sane person would. I think it often comes from a place of insecurity what bullying yeah in a on a first date in bella italia people don't do i think what a lot of people do when

they're insecure about themselves is try and bully people so that they have a lower opinion of themselves so that they deflect you know i mean if i think you're the nine and I'm a seven, I've got to make you think you're the seven. Otherwise you won't fuck me. If you date bald women though, even playing field. Yeah. You and Gail Porter,

match me in heaven. I thought you were going to say Gail Porter. You baldy cunt. So are you. Let's get it on baby. Come here. Come here you. Come here.

You baldy bitch. You've got no air. I've got no air. Fucking hell. Come here. Let baldy bitch. You've got nowhere. Come here, Gail. I've got nowhere. Fucking hell. Come here. Let's fucking buff our domes. Balddating.com. Bald.

Are you bald or just fancy those who are? There's two people with really long hair who don't fancy each other on a date. What's happened here? The other one was fucked. That just doesn't sound nice. That sounds mean. So is she trying to do banter with the whole, like,

oh, my love language is bullying. She's doing banter. I've seen it on it sounds like my love language is bullying she's doing i've seen it on the dating apps i have seen that it was a love language like my love language is bullying or don't don't hate me if i take the piss out of you immediately i don't mind it but what i've found there's a lot of fucking women here we go let us know what's been going on what's the woman one of the women done adam they've been calling me bald needle dick, apparently. Behind my back. They can't take it back.

Do you know what I mean? Depends how heavy you go back. Are you trying to win the argument or match? Is Adam trying to win the argument? I don't do that, by the way. I try and find the solution. Did your therapist tell you that? My therapist the other day told me that I've got no red flags.

Yeah, because you've got the ISIS flag. It's just one big flag. One black flag. Did she say that while you were in a headlock going, I haven't got any flags, have I? Say I've got no flags. Yes. Five nil. I've won every therapy. Sit down.

She asked me what I think my red flags would be and I started telling her them and then she was like, yeah, they're not red flags and I actually don't therapy. Sit down. She asked me what I think my red flags would be. And I started telling them. And then she was like, yeah, they're not red flags. And I actually don't think you're right. You're banging it. Being too humble. You are banging it. Not putting myself in front of others.

You know, being shy. Not caring about Liverpool FC enough. These are my red flags. Come here. Come here. Adam is basically, I reckon you're going to a brass every week and just telling you things she's going

I don't give a fuck Adam you're a good tennis issue girl say I'm late there's another 20 she's on fire really helping me unpack stuff is she what

she's helping you move therapy again I've got the fucking van I need a therapy appointment get in the van you've got no red flags can I phone my husband yeah you can

in 48 hours as long as you say I've got no red flags is he a big lad he can let me move this fucking chest to the door come here

come here you no Dan Vess is food this week what Is he a big lad? He can let me move this fucking chest of the doors. Come here. Come here. No Dan Vestas food this week. What? No Dan Vestas food. Why? Stephen's failed to secure the bag. Yeah. Oh, well.

I didn't get on to women, by the way. I'm just saying they can't take it back. What banter are we doing? If they sit down and go, hello, chubby. Yeah, I go, you're fat as well, aren't you? Electric first date, this one. Come here. Fucking banging, look at you.

Hey, my red flatty is calling you a fat bitch. Yeah, I think women have got maybe a less threshold for this. Yeah. Lower. You can't give it out if you can't take it. Also, who wants to do fucking a roast battle on your first date what are we doing some women like it huh they're just when you go too far you know i've i'll always top you you know what i mean yeah you can keep going up the ladder i say this you say this you say but you're always climbing

and in the end it's just a fucking nuclear weapon it's like there you go crying now aren't you I've shagged your mother I'll get the bill will I are you finishing that garlic bread I know you want to wow you can't afford it I need your fucking skin

bitch I've seen your car come here come here before you eat that garlic come on you're crying I know but I've won see you next week

that's weird that's toxic and I don't think girls actually mean it I think they're trying to be like, oh, I'm cool. Lads like this.

No, we don't. Don't be horrible to me. You want someone who's good fun and can take the mickey when you're being a bellend. I love that. When I'm being a knobhead

and Laura goes, what are you on about? It's great fun. I actually don't mind. But not on a first date. If someone comes trying to just do zingers, you're like out mate yeah chill out love language bullying is try hard calm down also it's against it's against the backdrop if you're with someone they should be

there to you should be making each other's lives a better place and once you've done that and you're sound with each other you're fun you're supportive and caring and loving, then when someone's being a bellend, you get to be like, what the fuck are you on about your bellend? That's great. I don't know you, you can't come in going, what the fuck is that hat? You're like, what are we doing?

It depends on it. I've got a list of things that Serica says, silly. The other day she said to me, who wrote how to spot a Jew? Was it gerbils? Gerbils can't, right? She said, Joe Nim's pager.

What? The climber, Joe Gerkes. Yeah. She said he's a gerkin. She called him a gerkin. I've got a list of things. I've told you the wheelchair basketball one.

Have you got serikers? You've got like a list of serikers. If you go on my notes, it's a list of serikers, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and I love them. Like I go, and I write it down, so You've got like a list of Serechers. If you go on my notes, it's a list of Serechers, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and I love them. Like I go, what? And I write it down,

so I've gone, if ever. Yeah, because she's a very intelligent woman, but she has moments where it sounds a bit love on the spectrum. But that's the best bit, isn't it? Yeah. I got a Facebook memory the other day of something an ex-girlfriend had said

that I'd like put as a Facebook status. And she'd said, we were talking about like dieting and stuff. And she was like, I once went a whole week without having any sugar. And I was like, did you?

Yeah, that's fucking very difficult to do that. And she was like, yeah. She went, I made a, I made a, I made a cottage,

a vegan cottage pie that week. And I was like, well, there's fucking sugar in potatoes. So you definitely didn't have a week without sugar. And she went definitely didn't have a week without sugar. And she went, didn't have any potatoes on it. Like, so it wasn't a cottage pie then.

Like, and even the pastry, it's got sugar in. And she's like, I didn't have any pastry on either. And I was like, so is this just like a bowl of mincemeat with gravy and veg in? And she went, well, it was vegan, so it didn't have any mince in. And I was like, so is this just loads of gravy and veg and she was like

yeah I was like I made a vegan cottage pie so I had carrots and gravy one week I remember that I remember being listening when you told that story

unbelievable talking of food I don't sell so much how's your dad Shane? he's good mate How's Dennis? Woah You deserve this

Smooth That's how you podcast ladies and gents Shane Todd is in the building It's good to be back lads Little coffee there What have you gone for? What a question Tea mate with almond milk.

Tea with almond milk? Okay, cool. You said coffee. I said yeah. Yeah. But I don't know why I said yeah, because it isn't... Do you not drink coffee?

I do. But not today. Because... Because I had a night, I had a wee fancy coffee in Brown's Brasserie, mate. Brown's Brasserie? Just around the corner, yeah.

Yeah, great spot. Yeah, it's an absolute shithole, yeah. Is it? Yeah. I got food poisoning from there once. Like, immediate food poisoning. You know where, like... That's not food poisoning.

Yeah, it's impossible. Food poisoning takes, like, what? Eight hours or something. Eight hours. You can't get immediate. Okay, well, I ate a sausage in there. Yeah? Right.

I ate a sausage in there. That's Right. I ate a sausage in there. That's explosive IBS. Knew it tasted badly. I had to go straight to the toilet and I threw up in the sink while I was pooing. How could you do both? It had 15 Guinness as well. Hold on, hold on.

Sorry, sorry. While pooing, you threw up in the sink? I was pooing into the toilet. Yeah. I'm doing this for Shane. I'm not confused. I'm doing this for Shane because he's calling bullshit.

Yeah. Like moments. So you either can vomit really far or shit really far or you find somewhere that was a perfect middle distance. Yeah, I mean, what I'm saying is

don't get me wrong, Shane. Don't get me wrong. It wasn't all perfectly in the sink. Just for absolute clarity, we can run the tape back if you like. Yeah. I'll be more specific. I was aiming to be sick into the sink

while shitting perfectly into the toilet. I thought instantaneous food poisoning does. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Instant. Spit away. Instant. I liked that. It's Brown's, ladies and gents.

I mean, it looks nice. I said, listen, your sausages are undercooked, Gil. She said, are you flaming me? I said, no. Your sausages are undercooked. Hey, Gil, your sausages are undercooked and your bathroom's a fucking nightmare. But that's on you.

Yeah. You weirdos separate your toilet and your sink by more than a foot. You just need one big chop in the middle, especially serving them sausages. Someone needs to clean up in there. See you in court. Yeah, it's one of those chains

that just doesn't deserve to have any... Is it a chain? Yeah. I feel cheap in knowing that. I thought it was like a wee one-off. Like the time in London, someone took me for lunch at the Ivy. Yeah.

And then I saw more than one. I was like, this bullshit. Or Gordon Ramsay. How many Ivys are there? There's only one Gordon Ramsay. Hmm? like this bullshit or Gordon Ramsay how many Ivies are there there's only one Gordon Ramsay there's only one Gordon Ramsay one Gordon Ramsay

singing ranger songs there's a lot I don't like that I spoke about this on your Tea With Me podcast you did we were talking about

like how disappointed you are when you find out it's not Gordon in there doing your eggs I just don't like how chefs can be like oh that's my place there you ever been

yeah been on the opening day yeah said hello to the head chef and then fucked off they're putting Gordon Ramsay's name on it and then being like

the only one that does do it is James Martin does cook all the food in all his places how in all the he in all his places. How? In all the... He's just fast. Is he, lad?

He does do it. Eight split shifts. He's got slow cookers on all round the world. Is he an exact chef? Does he make the menu at least? What do you mean? Ramsay?

Yeah. Yeah, I think so. I'll tell you what. You know where he didn't? There's one... Well, there used to be one, I don't know if it still is. Place Las Americas in Tenerife.

I'd say Gordon had fuck all involvement in that. Well, we had some good food there and that as well. No be one I don't know if there still is place Las Americas in Tenerife I'd say Gordon had fuck all involvement we had some good food there not as well hang on though but you know people can put their name on stuff and like

if Nike make a fucking a boot and it's like CR7 you know Cristiano's not made the boot you know we all know that don't we it's fine

it's just a name on a thing but he wasn't signed off unless he did like the boot was he oh right but I know like but I think Jamie't signed off unless he did like the boot was he oh right but I know like

but I think Jamie's signed off on his Italian and Gordon Ramsay's signed off on you're wearing the CR7 boots not that I would

you know because there's connotations with that because of things he's done doesn't play any MLS does he I

no you would wear Ronaldo's boots because Ronaldo wears those boots yeah which he does but the selling point of those boots are Ronaldo wears these the selling point of Gordon Ramsay's restaurants is that he

makes the food I don't think so Gordon Ramsay eats this by the way Gordon Ramsay wears these boots no I'd wear them by the way GR7

nasty fucking white clean you know for when you're making food he's the number four I've ever seen no I think

no I don't expect him to be in there do you I don't I think he's no no I don't

but he's got to have signed off on it no Dan I'm never turning up at Gordon Ramsay restaurants going, nice, where's Gordon? He's gone. I don't, that's the point I'm making, is that it should be a reasonable expectation

that the cunt's in there, at least doing the fucking toast or something. Do you know what I mean? Have you always done the same with KFC? There's a fucking kernel Because it's not called Kernel Sanders Gaff And he's fictional as well

It's just Kentucky Fried Chicken Not anymore Not anymore It's not Kentucky Fried Chicken It's just KFC It's nothing to do with Kentucky anymore It's just KFC Look it up

It's not Kentucky Fried Chicken It's just KFC And I'll tell you something else The first time I met you You were eating KFC Why does that feel like a threat? Backstage at Hot Water Do you know why?

Why? Because I thought it was A weird move To do like an Uber Eats For KFC or something Yeah but I'm weird I'm boss Right

Yeah And you had Chinese That's how I knew The Liverpool comedy scene Was taking off Two guys One friendship group Two separate restaurants

I couldn't believe it Wait I told everyone Back home in Belfast We don't even fucking have delivery Boys were loving it Boys couldn't believe it Keep going boys Keep going

He wanted Chinese He wanted KFC What did they do? They're not going to believe this Separate drivers showed up On the same day And handed them their food. It was wild.

Two delivery charges, baby. We've got that. And then I said to you, I was like, what time are you on, mate? And you were like, I'm not even a stand-up. I was like,

this guy's getting food delivered to the club. Yeah, mate, I'm on the wall. I don't even do stand-up. I'm on the wall. Oh, not anymore. Stop me, Darren.

Thank you, Vincy. Love you. Oh, can I say this? I'm doing Hot Water like next week. That's why I say this? I'm doing Hot Water, like, next week. That's why I'm here. What happened was they went, a couple of weeks ago they went, listen,

the new venue, which, by the way, they went, wrong slightly behind schedule, see in my head, all yous are helping with the building of it. Like, the whole Liverpool scene's coming together, you're doing a bit of joinery,

you're bricklaying. I painted the first one they had Yeah? Yeah I put the first bit of black paint on the wall And then I got off Right That'll do me

In Seal Street You ever played Seal Street did you? So Yeah yeah way back in the day Oh did you yeah? Yeah way back in the day But They went do you want to reschedule again?

I said keep it as is We're doing early and late So It's sold out At the number that it's at. But yeah, I just picture all you guys in hard hats running about. So you've come here to promote that show and it's now sold out anyway? Yeah. Okay.

But they pulled tickets at on sale. That's what that was. But you know what? It's great. She used to see friends. Am I right? Yeah. The fact that you didn't pull this fucking bar.

I couldn't get my money back in the flake. You have also just announced a little gig, haven't you? In your home city. In Belfast. Yep. Yep. Yep.

Yep. SSE Arena, lads. He's just announced the arena, baby. Yep. He's done the arena full out. He's done it before, but he did it the shit house way where you just do like fucking a tent of it

and say you're doing it. You do the car park. And this time. I did it in the pizza hut where you just do like fucking a tenth of it and say you're doing you do the car park and this time I did it in the pizza hut in the main bit of it and this time he's doing full house the arena mate

full car park so what did you do last time how much about three about three thousand and this time cabaret set up and then I'd done it with

you guys you know I hate going on about this but when I was opening for Kevin Hart I I did full arena with I was opening for Kevin Hart I I did Full Arena with Kev

As in Kevin Hart Oh Kev Is he in the Illuminati? Because I've heard that lately You know Pardon? Have you seen the Illuminati? Have you heard that from Cat Williams?

Yeah Yeah yeah Is it real? I'm going to do like I'm going to do like Our own version of Cat Williams Me coming on here Anything you guys want to know

About UK and Irish comedy Ask me We'll just get it all out. They get different deliver rules, man. Paddy McDonald's in the Illuminati.

He's got the ugliest wife. He looks like it, yeah. He's got the ugliest wife? Yeah. Whoa. What? That's just opinion, isn't it? Jesus, Finn,

I was only joking. Go on, answer though. I'll tell you after. Just in case anyone's wondering by the way Liverpool Chelsea game tonight is sold out yeah

I wonder why you look like you needed a shit fucking fucking browns here fucking go on so you're you're selling out the arena well

well I don't know no you are it goes on it goes on sale on Friday and it's I never liked the idea of like a huge place

like that and they because I'd done it sort of half set up and it just felt like a big open space and then genuinely when I did do support for Kevin Hart and did the full arena it felt way better I was like weirdly it feels not more intimate doing a full but it just felt ah this is the way this should be as opposed to cut off before you're like it's weird that we're doing it like this in this kind of place

so what date is it 9th of Saturday 9th of November the 9th of Saturday I thought you were going to say that that's what we say

in Ireland and tickets are available this this coming week are they available when they're going on sale yeah like this Friday

are they available now so they're already available now well I'm telling you right now mate if all of my Northern Irish tickets buying customers go

to your arena show then it might just tip you towards full house do you know what I mean those 293 people who came out and saw me in Belfast you sold great

you both sold on real for any comics playing like Northern Ireland and Ireland because i was saying to you like say somewhere like dairy even comedians in belfast sometimes struggle to sell in dairy i think you you are appreciated by irish audiences i think it's just because we're so sound and handsome you know what i mean yes to it and also two of the best shows of my tour. Fucking amazing.

Lavery's, let's give Geddes his flowers. That is one of the best rooms in stand-up. It's unreal. And it's just running on a Wednesday and Thursday. Yeah. Fuck the weekends. And I shared William with you, my young boy. William Thompson.

Sounded bad, that, didn't it? Say that again. You shared William with him? Yeah. Illuminati, I told you. Yeah, William Thompson opened bad that did it say that again you shared William with him yeah Illuminati yeah William Thompson opened up opened up for you he's great

I miss it so when I knew I was doing the Irish dates I was like I'm not fucking getting a

taking a van over again and I was like I'll just fly over and I asked Shane who should support me and William Thompson was unbelievable both nights

in Ireland inland in sorry in dublin he was so good that i had a moment where i was like ah this is too good like he was ripping the support slot so well and then actually it was just we both had a blind it was beautiful did you guys stay over did he stay down in dublin yeah it wasn't many he drove down i was like we're gonna have a beer after this and he was like cool i'll get a hotel do you know what he loves that william also opens for kieran bartlett if you guys know kieran yeah is this weird right is this weird william comes away with me needless to say william has his own room if we're staying in the hotel he's got his own room william went on tour with kieran who brought his wife to the tour shows and they stayed stayed in a family room. Now, is that weird?

Is that weird? And it was. I mean, you love a fucking Cher, you. Cher McGee, we call you Cher. Whoa. Sonny and Cher. You love Cher. No.

Well, famously, I've just fucking got my own room for India. But, if needs must, Finn is a fucking not a bad house roommate. He doesn't snore. You force him to suck it off. And he gives great blowjobs. He's crying,

but that's part of the fun. The weird bit there is, Kieran and William are mates. That's sound, isn't it? Until Kieran's, until Mrs. Bartlett's in the room, then it's horrific. As if Laura,

I'd be like, Mrs. Bartlett sounds like it's his mum by the way which is even weirder Mrs Bartlett oh my Bartlett's been there for a few days mate she's got clips

yeah whoa she has so hang on if you've got if I said we're going away for a pod show

and Laura's like oh I'd love to come and watch it that'd be great I'd be like cool we're staying over though and she was like nice one so it would be me and you in the big bed and it. That'd be great. I'd be like, cool, we're staying over though. And she was like, nice one.

So it would be me and you in the big bed and then Finn on the sofa bed. And she'd be like, oh, lovely. Like, that's insane. Yeah. Like, they were staying in Carlisle in family rooms. I was like, this is not right on any level. Do you know when William was with Dan in Dublin,

William stood next to him got recognised as me so someone was like you're Adam Rowe from the Have A Word podcast and didn't recognise Dan that's one of those beautiful moments because if we've got a picture here can we put a picture of William in he looks like a slightly you know like a slightly special

Northern Irish version of Adam he looks like Jason Yule hold on what this is what I've come over for special Northern Irish version of Adam. It looks like Jason Yule. No, there's the real picture, yeah. Hold on. Hold on. What? This is what I've come over for. Looks like Jason Yule. What Carl's going to do here, Shane,

is when Dan said, can you put a picture of William in here, Carl's going to put a picture of Jason Yule on the screen. Yeah. Yeah. Every time I go, oi, just stick a picture in here. Like I said,

oh, I like muscly women and i was like and we were on the screen and i literally picked the one i wanted and carl was there going i'm so stupid so stupid because i can see the evil cooking in his head and he was like he was like oh yeah yeah i was like will you put that in he was like almost couldn't say it because he was having so much fun he was like yeah And then it turned out to be, have you seen the something about Mary? Yeah. Is it Rhonda, the fucking old, wrinkly?

He was like, that's the kind of woman I like. Oh, my God. So, yeah, a lad. He looks like Jason Duhill. Would you join the Illuminati given the chance? Shane is the Belfast Illuminati. No, but I mean the proper one. Like, you know,

some fella comes over from LA. You've got to wear, isn't that the thing you've got to wear a dress? Apparently so. Yeah. That's their way of owning it.

We both sound like we're in it because I'm like, isn't that the thing you have to do in Europe? Apparently so. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Apparently publicly you've got to wear a dress. I really love getting black men in dresses. What? I would have you. Yeah, good. Yeah, they've got you in. Oh, I'm laughing. You'd have told me if you'd have joined the Illuminati. I would have, yeah. Yeah, good. Yeah, they've got you in.

Oh, laughing. You'd also be getting Liverpool tickets. I've got one. I think they can get one. I have got one. How? A friend of mine told me. Kevin Hart?

You can't get tickets to the Liverpool games. He's from Philly. Illuminati can get everything, mate. What do you think we went, Dan? We'll give you five sellout arena shows at tours sorry in the next 10 15 years who sells out arena shows we do yeah but you've got to do all the illuminati gear what wear a dress and then probably child sacrifices yeah how now it escalated so quick from wear a dress. Wear a dress. Child's sack of faces.

And also we meet Tuesday mornings. It's not ideal for everyone. No, you've got to like push old women randomly. It's not like kill kids. You've got to do like

little nasty things. No, you go full Illuminati, would you bite the devil's cock? Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Where's the arena shows?

Yeah. Well, apparently that's what these big celebrities get off at, don't they? Yeah, yeah.

We'll box you off just about to do an arena just about to do an arena we'll box you off for the rest of your life you'll be in every film that'll all be successful

you know big shows and whatever but you know you're basically shaking hands with Satan I'm Satan for mate you change the accent

when you do that it's to keep them anonymous Geordie Satan I've got a fucking deal to make with you I'm fucking proper tricksy I've been watching

lots of religious TikToks as in they're coming up on your for you page yeah right there's a fella I forget his name I think he's called Dean

Dean Gaffney he's in everything else he's called Dean. Dean Gaffney. No, it's not Dean. He's a... He's in everything else. Yeah, he's in every woman. There's a fella called Claude. The Halele. Right? And what he does is, he goes to like...

You know the way Ben Shapiro goes to university campuses because he knows students are stupid and he can just shut them down? Yeah. Well, he basically just shut them down. Yeah. Well, he basically does that, but with religion. So he turns up, a Christian fella,

and he just stands like outside a fucking... We've said this previously, yeah. A couple of weeks ago, yeah. Have we, yeah? We spoke about it. It was quite a funny bit, yeah. Yeah, you brought it up. I didn't...

Jesus is on your mind, child. Yeah, and he's just debating with people and it's quite interesting. Who's the new chesney hawks of doing unis who's doing the freshers gigs chesney's had his day do you remember keith harrison orville they were doing the rounds back in my day 20 minutes of podcasting what just happened then have i just missed you haven't skipped at home by the way don't rewind what's just happened genuinely explain

i think shane's just showing experience as a podcaster he was like oh that's gone a bit flat i'll just roll it forward he's doing great or i want to change the subject nice for other reasons who's the pop star that has gone off the boil 10 years ago and is now doing unis for a budget sort of booking fee in your day it, it was Keith and Orville. Keith Harrison Orville was one that I saw loads like. Was that not a joke? You're being serious.

Keith Harrison Orville with the unis. Well, because when we were kids, you know, it was... I hate that doc. Did Orville not fall off a roof and die? Oh, that was Rod Hall and Emu. And by the way,

Emu was fine. Rod Hall wasn't wearing Emu at the time. That's why he fucking died. If he'd ever come out of that bird costume. Whoa! I'm trying to change fucking roof tiles. If the bird died. So Emu's still alive?

He's fire, yeah. He just made the new one. Oh, man. Bagpuss. Oh, that'd be a role player being too. Not Bagpuss. What do I mean? Crop bags. Bagpuss is a woman after she's given birth.

I think it's probably Dick and Dom. Nah, it's got to be like... You mean a singer? Yeah. Show me some of the look. Wow. Pink and stripy. Do you know who it could be?

Tenshi Strider. No, he's too big still. Me and William Saw. No, he is not! Scouting for girls. Oh, yeah. Talisa. Tenshi Strider's too big still.

He's bigger than Rod Hill and all. Talisa. Tinchy Strider's too big still. For unis? He's bigger than Rod Hill and all. Rod Hill? Tinchy Strider is not doing legitimate gigs anymore. The only reason Tinchy Strider can't do unis is that no one in unis knows who he is. Well, we know who he is because I mentioned William there.

We were going over to, I want to say Newcastle, Belfast Airport a couple of months ago and I so William sat with his back to JD Sports I can see JD Sports

who did I see go to into JD Sports with security Tinchy Strider William massive Tinchy Strider fan I said don't freak out

and don't turn around like make it really obvious but Tinchy Strider just walked into JD Sports and he went you're winding me up and he started to go like white and I went but Tinchy Strider just walked into JD Sports and he went you're winding me up and he started to go like white

and I went not Tinchy Strider and I said nah nah and he goes it's not fucking Tinchy Strider and I said

trust me when I say it's Tinchy Strider there's no one else this could be it's Tinchy Strider and William William went alright man

he goes it's fine it's fine then ten minutes later William found I need to go to JD Sports you know for socks or something

finds an excuse to go and chickened out of going up to Tinchy Strider and I watched it he walked up to Tinchy Strider sort of ends up

face to face with him and just and walked off he bottled it he bottled it with Tinchy Strider he looked like he was going to assassinate

see him had his Tinchy Strider can I ask you a question? Is tincture strider bigger in Belfast than he is in the rest of the Commonwealth? Huge. Small and black. He is.

Whoa. I don't see height. Shane. Shane Shane cheers I've had a look on Tim she's trying I can't do unis though can he sorry

yeah no unis you know where he is he's exclusively doing 40th and bar mitzvahs 28 year old comedians fucking love him apparently so when does it have to be

like 10 years ago yeah so oh Ndubs Ndubs have yet they're doing they're doing arenas again they're going to want they're going to want

separate fees Talisia I thought it was Talisia that's one of my aunts they used to go on holiday Talisa Talisa is in Ndubs Talisia

I thought it was Talisia I genuinely thought her name was Talisia you sound so old oh that Talisia from the Ndubs you suck a cock it says scouting for girls the feeling old people always remember the feeling oh the feeling I genuinely thought her name was Talizia. You sound so old. Oh, that Talizia from the end, dude. She's a sucker cock. It says Scouting for Girls, The Feeling.

Old people, isn't it? Oh, The Feeling. Oh, yeah. That's exactly what I'm talking about. I think this is a bit outdated now. I think she'll be... Sophie Alice Bextor will be doing bigger places. She will have to salt burn it.

Chesney Hawks is there. S Club. By the way, hang on, hang on, hang on. Chesney Hawks was there. S Club. By the way, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. Chesney Hawks was big in like early 90s. How is he still getting you? He's got bangers. Legacy?

Yeah. Yeah. Rick Astley? Spice Girls? He's not doing any. He's blown up again. He's too big. Yeah.

I swear, yeah, yeah. Professor Green? He was on the main stage at Electric Picnic. Gough One? Yeah, but hang on. Gough One was on there. Prof Green. He was on the main stage at Electric Picnic. Gough one. Yeah, but hang on. Gough one was on there. Prof Green. He's going to do one song.

It ain't so stereotypical, man. No. He's got one. Yeah, that one. It should be me that wants to get rid of you. Yeah, just be good to Green. It was meant to be a one night deal.

When you're out here in this jungle. What's that? Sean Paul ain't nothing nice Randy that's Professor Green isn't it

is it Professor Green Sean Paul 200k to do uni easy way too big we got caught on Shaggy to do what I wish I was in Shaggy

to come do the board to come and basically do a like a live performance at the end of a show what do you reckon? What are you putting that at? 50.

You bang on, mate. Natasha Bedingfield. 50 quid. 35. 25. And could you pick this up for unwritten? She does the three song shouts. Unwritten, these words, Pocket Full of Sunshine.

You can't give her covers for that. Say, keep Pocket Full of Sunshine. Give me the other two, 15. Can we have unwritten? No, not unwritten. Yeah, unwritten twice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How much were five?

Were five expensive? Were we talking about 300 quid? Five, a quarter of a million pounds. Wow. A quarter of a million pounds. I tried to get I tried to get two unlimited

for something. Who are they? No limits? No, no. It turns out they do have limits on what they'll do for three grand. They wanted five. I tried to bargain with them. I regret it.

I regret it. What were you getting the book for? Just housework and DIY. Stuff I needed done. That would be hilarious. Because if you paid them. Imagine paying like Chris Tarrant's come to your house

and you go, I'll go and clean the bug. If you say no though. Yeah, but you'll pay him. Well then. What celebrities do you think you could get to come round to your house

to clean your toilet? I love it. It is Chris Tarrant only gets paid at the end of the thing. He doesn't take money before. Do you know what?

I tell you, I've got to learn my lesson with this. I've got to ask for the money before I turn up to clean people's toilets. You have shut me down in a conversation like this before.

I said in the past that I'd like to hire like a prostitute, but then just ask her to go to the shop, right? Right. And these have all said like she won't do it

because she loves the game. I agreed. Because it's better. Go to the shop and get me a Twix or something. Getting the same money. What are you choosing?

It does matter the mood she's better. Go to the shop and get me a Twix or something. Getting the same money. What are you choosing? It does matter the mood she's in because if like I was in bed with my bear then she was like would you rather go to the shop

and get me a pack of crisp or just eat my pussy? Nine times out of ten I'm going muff diving. Yeah, that's right. Do you think there's a mood

sometimes prostitutes are just in a mood where they're like oh, I just saw money. Yeah. Saturday night. Saturday night. Do you think there's a mood, sometimes prostitutes are just in a mood where they're like, oh, just so funny. Actually, yeah. Saturday night, Saturday night, it's one of my biggest Saturday nights, but mama's feeling frisky.

Everything's on me. No, she's not doing it for free. She's still, you can still love what you do. So she's 50 quid for full sex. You're like, nah, go to Morrison's. There you go. Sometimes she'd be made up, wouldn't she? You'd pay Phil

with 50-50 to do the big show 100% I remember she's not just doing one job a day she must be getting bummed all day

she's fucking made up to go to fucking do the big show Dane Bores would clean your house Dane Bores for a decent fee Dane Bowers

Dane Bores Dane Bores would do it for cheap Dane Bores would be cheap we're in the weeds here by the way can you book to Unlimited to just close your arena show for no

reason i was trying to get have you got an idea have you got a plan at the end of the show i want to stop doing that because it makes it it's now weird for the end i just i just i'm just doing stand-up at this one right what have you done in the past? Well, the last live podcast we had, there's a huge dance, Irish dance song called Maniac 2000. Huge, like the anthem of everybody's youth. We got that DJ to come perform that. I put requests in for things that have never happened. Tried to get Snow Patrol to do one.

First time I did Waterfront Hall. Didn't happen. Weirdly, Gary Lightbody from Snow Patrol had arranged for me to play five-a-side football in LA once

and I was like under that email which was like two years before that I was like what about a gig in Belfast he's like no no no

I was like surely that's way more agreeable than me going could you facilitate a game of five-a-side for me such a weird email

two years before the thread is mental play five-a-side well maybe the thread's mental and then he went to johnny mcdade's wedding to courtney cox oh really yeah because we uh said i could work with his brother and uh he had two plus ones plus two you could say we would we were trying our damn hardest to be them plus twos and he told us to fuck off yeah we tried for ages i'm at that point where like all my friends are either married or they're we were trying our damn hardest to be them plus twos and he told us to fuck off yeah

we tried for ages I'm at that point where like all my friends are either married or they're not going to get married and it's such a sweet spot wedding season's done oh no I'm hitting it now we've got three this year

what age are you? 37? 35 you're 35 35 you're just tipping into no people are just getting married later you've still got loads to come

yeah so yeah I'll get married one day and I'm going to invite you You're just tipping into... No, people are just getting married later. You've still got loads to come. Yeah, so? Yeah. I'll get married one day and I'm going to invite you just because I know how much it would bother you. I show up at two unlimited. That's my two plus ones. Who do you reckon gets married first, you or Finn? Do you think me?

Yeah. 100%. If it has to kiss a woman first. The thing is, though, as you said on a Patreon the other day, you know, I'm out there looking for the one. I'm not going to settle like you did. One of the 10,000.

I'm looking for the one, so I'm very picky. I'd settle. And I think Finn's very lonely. My wife is the love of my life. She's amazing. Beautiful. Couldn't be happier.

But the idea of the one, the idea of the one is such silly. She's amazing. Beautiful. Couldn't be happier. But the idea of the one, the idea of the one is such silly fucking nonsense. Okay. Let's repeat ourselves. Do you believe in the one? Feet? Yes.

Shane Todd. Three fucking romantics. Look at you. Yep. So I think like I'm so picky now that I'm like, it'll sort of be a while for me. I think Finn's going to get desperate and lonely. I didn't believe in the one. Then I started watching Dawson's Creek and that be a while for me. I think Finn's going to get desperate and lonely.

I didn't believe in the one then. I started watching Dawson's Creek and that changed it all for me. I was like, I believe in destiny when it comes to romance. I've never seen Dawson's Creek. Sounds right up my street if that's what it is though. Is it Alan, whatever his name is?

Alan Rickman. Rickman, yeah. He's sleeping. Alan Rickman plays Dawson, yeah. What's his name? Alan Anderson. The one with the shit haircut. Yeah. From Q He's sleeping. Alan Rickman plays Dawson, yeah. Yeah. What's his name? Alan Anderson. The one with the shit haircut. Yeah.

From QI? Yeah. Alan Davies? Alan Davies, yeah. Hold on. Hold on. What? He's in Dawson's Creek, isn't he?

What? Hang on. If that's wrong, why do I think that as well? I know what you've done. Jonathan Creek? Yeah, Jonathan Creek. You know, someone died in a creek.

The same second word in the show title. Someone died in a creek. What do you mean? Alan Davies. Katie Holmes and Alan Davies in Dawson's Creek. So beautiful. I thought the same thing. It's that guy.

You can't have two creeks in two show titles and expect me to fucking nail it, can you? Hold on. I like the idea that you thought I thought I had a belief in the one after Jonathan. I've never watched that. English murder detective show. I was like, love is real. Love is real. Is that what that is?

It's a detective show. I haven't seen either of them. I just know he was in something with creaking it. It's still funny. It's real? Does he ever get married in it? Oh, I don't know. Dawson or Jonathan?

The brothers? How long have you been married, Shane? Oh, I don't know. You sound like you're not into weddings, you know. You're happy that you're out of the zone. Four or five years, something like that. I don't know.

I think it's weird. You know when you go to a comedy club and how long have you been married and the guy doesn't know for three seconds and the comedians are like, and the audience go mental. It's weird to every month know the math is on it. I think that's odd.

Yeah, but you know how many years? You should know the years. You got a date in your head. Oh, Jesus. 20, 2018 or 2019.

But COVID messed it all up. I don't know what, I don't know what's what. What do you mean? About knowing dates and when things were. He is right. That's like a new comedian going,

I've been going five years, but obviously because of COVID, it's's like a new comedian going, I've been going five years, but obviously because of COVID, it's more like four. Yeah. So I've been married five years because of COVID, it's more like nine. It's really handy for you that 9-11's named the date that happened, isn't it?

No, because it's not, because it's the other way around. 11th of November. What happened? It should be 11-9. Nothing handy about 9-11 at all. I've always said that. You're not into weddings.

You're happy that you're done with it. You're through the wedding era. Because I fucking love it. I love a wedding. Do you know what I want instead of going to a wedding? Give me, on Netflix, allow me to access a thing on my account only I can access. It's a 45- minute highlights of the wedding

and I watch that from my own house see nights out that's all I want to do shoot me a highlight package you don't want to miss out I don't want to go match.com

get everyone you want to see everything but you don't want to be there yes get everyone like the wee fellow with the trains with the GoPro in their heads on the night out

cut that footage you're an early sleeper as it's been discussed many times. You want to be a day guest but not a night guest. Exactly. When the other people start arriving you want to get off.

Half seven, I'm gone. Torture. I'm gone. It's all building to the night. That's the only reason I like weddings because we're building to the night. Yeah, no one cares about the church. Yeah, no.

No. I'm not doing a church. Dan's a Aficionado Is that what it is I didn't do church I didn't do church When did you get married In a soft play

He got married In a soft play In a No it was like a We had all All day in the same venue You know Like that kind of thing

It was a It was a What do you call it Civil ceremony Is that what it's called Yeah That's what we were doing yeah You got like a A celebrant It's called a celebrant isn call it? Civil ceremony? Is that what it's called? That's what we were doing, yeah.

You've got like a celebrant. It's called a celebrant, isn't it? Rather than like an official... Priest or a vicar. Yeah, this was just a lady. This was just a lady doing it. Do you think you'll get married one day, Finn? Do you want to? Not particularly.

Do you want kids, Finn? No. Do you want to go on a first date? No kids, no marriage. Finn, I thought that, and then I watched TV detective show. So I've got to watch Jonathan? No. Do you want to go on a first date? No kids, no marriage. I thought that and then I watched TV detective show. So I've got to watch Jonathan Creek. I don't want to wait

for this crime to be over. See, if you binge watch Midsommar Murders, you'll change your mind. I don't. I never got the idea of marriage. You don't want kids? Just in general. The older I get, the less I want kids. That's what happens.

I thought it was the other I want kids. That's what happens. Is it? I thought it was the other way around normally. No. Are marriage laws different here than they are back home? I don't think two guys can get married back home. Oh, they can here. Right. Yeah.

Are we not there yet in Northern Ireland? No. No. Okay. Is it close? Not if I have anything to do with it. I don't know. We didn't have...

We have women doing weddings. Is that not enough? Our government only said they're getting back two nights ago or something. What? Our government have been gone for like, I don't know how many years. They just aren't...

I'm not joking. They're just many years. They just aren't there. I'm not joking. They're just not there. They just don't do anything. What are they doing then? Civil service been running it. Because the whole thing, we have like power sharing.

I don't know a lot about it. Sounds like I do, I don't. But the DUP, who are one of the two most popular parties, just went like, nah. But they still got paid. The DUP are part of this anti-gay marriage. They're quite hardline, are they, the DUP? If they were making their own party podcast,

they wouldn't be hiring Finn. Same sex marriage is legal. What? They're like, they don't like any funny business. Can I just clarify, I'm not gay. No, you meant Turkish. You meant Turkish Oh I didn't know that

It's because he's Welsh It's illegal I think it's because you said You don't have to You legitimately thought he was homosexual Yeah It's forgivable isn't it Disgusting

Look at his left hand Let me see It's very like It's forgivable, isn't it? Disgusting. Look at his left hand. Let me see. It's very like... It's got a cock in it. I was like, what do you mean? Welsh? A weed smoker? It was the way...

Put it back on your arm. It wasn't there. It was further off. Shane, it is legal. Four years to be legal for where you live. Really? Yeah. There you go.

It was during COVID though, so it's all blurred into one. Yeah, it's busy you live. Really? Yeah. There you go. It was during COVID though, so it's all blurred into one. Yeah, it's basically just come in. Yeah. But our government got back 10 nights ago. And what are they doing now? Don't know what they're at. Don't know what's happening.

I was literally, I was flying back from Dubai and then when I landed, they were like, government's back. Same day I went to the arena show. Not a coincidence. Illuminatus. 40 chessmen.

Stormont's been empty. I didn't know that. Yep. And that's how they got gay marriage through? And they still get paid. Still get paid. So were they just on Aldi?

People back home are like, so like, I don't know where they've been or what they're doing, but I'm also like, but I don't know what's've been or what they're doing but I'm also like but I don't know what's been happening I just join in the general

That's how you sell out an arena in Belfast There's a lot going on I like an early night Shall we have a break boys? My comedy club, the Comedians Club Chester Saturday the 10th of February ComediansCl club chester.com we have luke tolson tom taylor and the wonderful paul mccaffrey on it's a great bill and also

there's a new app called tiktok and i'm going to give it a try i want to get in early with it so follow me at dan has a podcast on they're calling it tiktok so it's just started out i'm going to be one of the first people with an account on there, but I really think it's going to be good for stand-up clips, which I'm going to put some of mine on. You think it's a good idea? Yeah. Never heard of people doing that. Never heard of people doing that. It's mad. Bit of a groundbreaker.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Still posting on Facebook. Not ironically. I don't know what part we're in right now. No one's told me. It's part cuatro. Cuatro. It's four of four. if you're not multilingual. Are we ready to hear some confessions? Oh, let me confess my sins to the Lord.

Oh, pressed the wrong button. What did you say? No. No? No. Not at all. Never have been. I'll tell you this, Joe.

Do you know what's weird about me? Hang on I got I don't know how I came Into possession of it But whenever I was about Six or seven I had a child's bible

And I loved it I just As in like I just loved the stories I really enjoyed it And I used to like Carry it around To read it

I couldn't stop reading this thing And there's a lot of people Separately Who will still say to this day I remember you used to like carry it around to read it. I couldn't stop reading this thing. And there's a lot of people separately who will still say to this day, I remember you used to always walk about with a children's Bible. So I think people think I'm mad into it because I was like a child preacher.

People did the same with me. What? You want to add anything, it's about to drop. I'm just letting you know. Basically say you sucked on the drop. People did the same with me in Jamie Carragher's autobiography. Oh, it's about to drop I'm just letting you know basically say you sucked on the draw people did the same with me in Jamie Carragher's autobiography oh it's a sneaky one

I'm not religious mate though surprises me though you think so? I've got the face for it yeah oh I look like I should be given I'm not religious, mate, no. Surprises me, though. You think so? I've got the face for it. Yeah. Oh, I look like I should be given. I look like a cool youth minister.

You look like you could have been a strict young priest. Do you know what I mean? Quite firm. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Father Todd. It's the ears? Nobody's fucked with Father Todd. Excuse me?

He comes into school playing the guitar he just thinks yes and like you get and they roast me and i leave and cry you see me crying in my car all the students just assumes that every kid's gay father father's like hey you finn yeah when you guys say funny business when you guys say confession time to start i was like i was like finn but no be a good time uh right if you want uh to confess anything have a word pod at gmail.com um they're anonymous as always so hi lids i have a bit of confession for you last year i'd been seeing a lad for seven months and things were going well he had a thing of applying for game shows and one day got accepted to go on the chase which was dead exciting he went down to film in london came back and wouldn't tell me how he got

on instead wanting to keep it secret till it aired we watched it together all very excited i'm expecting him to have smashed it since he's kept it secret he's the last one up gets six thousand pounds on the cash builder and only goes and takes the minus three thousand pounds offer he got through but they lost in the end but But I couldn't get over the fact that he'd taken the minus offer. It proper gave me the ick. We ended up falling out over it and I ended it with him a week later.

Mainly because of that. Do I deserve penance or was I justified? I got the ick because he took the minus offer on the chase. That is niche, you know. He didn't win Bullseye.

We broke up with him. Have you heard about the guy with the list? No. Do you know the guy with the list? No. Do you know the guy with the list? No. So he's on that app that you just joined. Go on.

He's on the app that you just joined. That'll go down as one of your recent best one-liners. So what he does is he finds videos of fucking women being interviewed on the street. Just women. Why fucking street. Just women. Why fucking women? Just women. And videos women have done where they're like, oh, this gives me the ick.

And he's collating a list of everything men can't do. The ick list. Right? So this is his latest video. Is he on TikTok? He is, yeah. Just you and him, Dan. Clever lad. So this is his latest video. Is he on TikTok? He is, yeah. Just you and him, Dan. Clever lad.

So this is his latest video. Someone else. So, right, at the minute, his list is 619 things long. Oh, shit. And so I've stopped it, and I'll just read the last few. Go ahead. So don't find independent women attractive. That's an it.

Find an independent women attractive. Don't run for the train or bus, which is absolutely fair enough. That's a real one. Don't get drunk. Don't eat pickles. Don't use sauce. Don't work out.

Hang on. Never cover your ears. Don't tread water. Don't be under six foot five. Don't wear a backpack. They're the last ones. Can someone draw the person? Sorry, sorry, sorry.

The ick isn't, he doesn't get drunk. The ick is, if you get drunk, that's my ick. So these are all, okay, right. Yeah, things not to do.

The best one was that, you know, they go up to like drunk young people with a microphone. Do you know what the ick is? Those wee microphones all the guys have doing the videos. That's an ick. When they shout doing the videos. That's an ick.

When they shout into the microphone. That's an ick. When your microphone costs £1.99, that's an ick. It sounds like that. And they interviewed

some girl in a nightclub in England somewhere and they were like, what gives you the ick? And she was like, guys getting hit by like really slow moving cars.

That is quite a thing. That's 10 out of 10 because I completely understood what she meant. If you get hit by a car, you know, just like That is quite a 10. That's 10 out of 10 because I completely understood what you meant. If you get hit by a car, you know, just like nudged by a car, there's something like,

go all in, like get smashed. I saw one yesterday. Don't marry the guy that's got slightly knocked off his balance. I think that's worse. Don't change your bed sheets

in front of her. Don't wear broad shorts. Don't use a straw. Don't change your bed sheets in front of her. Don't wear broad shorts. Don't use a straw. Don't type in lowercase. Don't wear ankle socks. Don't be barefoot. Don't be a mummy's boy. Don't run for the bus again. Don't wear flip-flops. Don't cry. Don't say darling. Don't say babe.

Don't enjoy the music at a concert. Don't dance. Don't have armpit hair. Don't warm up before you work out. Don't have armpit hair. Don't warm up before you work out. Don't order food at a restaurant. Don't run in the rain. Don't wear a snorkel. Don't stretch.

Don't have a Velcro wallet. Is this all at the same time? This is just... Every different woman's fucking thing. I reckon... You're supposed to keep up with all of this. I reckon that's a fair one. No wonder Finn's dead sad all the time.

Don't order food and snorkel. Don't make it. Finn's there in a snorkel and his Velcro wallet and women are like, what are you doing in a restaurant? Don't order food though.

Are you ordering food, sucking cock and wearing a snorkel in a restaurant? I'm wearing a snorkel. The one I really hate. See the minus offer? That's 100%. No,

bollocks. The what? Depends how much is already in the cash order. People with a minus offer, do you know what should be banned from the chase? This phrase,

I think you're capable of a higher offer, but we'll want you back. Take the middle offer, we'll want you back. Ban that phrase. That's done. That ruins the chase for me

because they all fucking say it and it's people's fate see when someone takes a lower offer and they cut back to the team and the team are like they're seething I'm seething

I hate the lower offer back yourself as a renowned mathematician I'm telling you right now okay renowned as a mathematician there you go

telling you right now let's say there's three of them already back right so let me put you in a little's say there's three of them already back right so let me put you in a little scenario here Shane three of them

are already back one of them's got four grand one of them's got three grand and the other one went big and got a snorkel

33 grand it's a different scenario in this case yeah sorry let me finish my fucking scenario mate okay you're on the chase

right there's 40k already in the bank yeah so you go up you get Yeah, sorry. Let me finish my fucking scenario, mate, okay? You're on the chase, right? There's 40K already in the bank. Yeah. Yeah? So you go up, you get four grand, right? And they offer you, you know, 30 up top, the four, or I don't know, let's say... Bus fare.

Minus three. Right. Right? Ask me. Minus four, okay? What are you taking? plus four minus three right right ask me minus four okay what are you taking let's go for the 30

I came with nothing I'll leave with nothing right okay let's do it Bradley but you've you've only Bradley accumulated four

which means you're probably quite thick right yeah yeah that's quite a low return telling you right now statistically it is better

for that team and for the game for you to take that low offer and get back. Not only did they get an extra point just for you being there, but you being the stupid one on a board full of people

who are quite bright means that you will get the little fucking idiot questions that they'd never get. And you could be worth three, four or five points, including the one that you get just for being back there in the first place. And you could be worth three, four, or five points, including the one that you get just for being back there in the first place.

And that could be the difference between winning and losing. And it's much better that they go on with a split of 36, 37k than you try and get that big one, fail. They're trying to get a split of 40 and they can't do it because they miss out on Tom and Jerry facts that you've got locked away in your head. Yep. What's the mum called

with the legs? Is anyone else dripping? Mrs Bartlett. What's, who's the TV detective brother of Dawson? I still, I still take the big one. It's like Karen's mum.

It's weird that that guy's like, kink, is like applying for game shows. I fear people who like, just want to be on TV you know what I mean like they just they don't care what it is

they apply for it all that kind of stuff so I'll do it Harry's sitting at the back there you've been on anything he's been on Pointless as well I've been on Celebrity Pointless oh that doesn't count

he applied so many times as well well you wouldn't stop applying until you got it would you no me and Barry Dodds and Dave Longley

applied for the Crystal Maze what's the whole way to the one in Manchesterds and Dave Longley applied for the Crystal Maze. What's the whole way to get the one in Manchester? No, to go on the new TV show, Crystal Maze, that came out about five, four, five years ago. And you were going to get confused with the host, so they didn't let you know. Yeah. Richard. Richard Iody. What's he called? The old bald one.

Ah, yeah, yeah. I'm quite like... The old bald one with the maggot thing. I know that. I know. But me reiterating it made it funny. It was fun. It was a callback. I know. It was really good.

It was great to get called needle dick again. I'm quite innovative with my stand-up. And at a recent gig, I was asking people in the front row what they do as a profession, right? Whoa. What do you do, John? Don't stay lat, right?

What do you do, John? You're the bus driver. You're the bus driver. Are you the only one that won't let me get on with a 20-pound note? I fucking hate you, John. You got blue trousers on, John.

Are you a pedo, John? What's your name? What's your job? Bender. What's his name? What his job? That's this guy. Shane Todd is such a smooth podcast.

I love watching him work. Smooth party. And I said, Berber Toff are podcasting over it. I love watching him work smooth party fucking hell Berbatov for podcasting over it oh I love that see that video where he was just in his garden topless

and he's like against the wall it's a good drill just kicking the ball against the wall I'm like Demi relax brother

you've done it he's exactly my age you know within a month he's what my age such similar people Demotard Berbatov is my age

facts with Dan Demotard Berbatov was born the same Facts with Dan. Timotar Berbatov was born the same year as me. Facts with Dan. That's a new section. I can't, it feels weird. I asked the guy

what he did and he said, you know they do that laugh to their partner where he's like, I can't. And she's like, oh my God,

ask him. And I was like, what is it? You know the show Ninja Warrior? He trains the people in America for it. And I was like, what is it? You know the show Ninja Warrior? He trains the people in America for it. And I was like, are you telling me you train ninjas? He said, yeah.

I said, you know what that makes you? You must be a ninja yourself. He's like, no, I just train. I'm a PT. And I was like, no. No. You're a ninja, mate. Sick.

And what a job. What a job. Yeah. I was asking him what the best way to jump is. And he's like, just try No. You're a ninja, mate. Let's see. And what a job. What a job. Yeah. I was asking him what the best way to jump is, and he's like, just try and get as high as possible. That's how you know he knows the game. Remind me to show you me jumping after this.

Because I haven't been doing that before, and now I am getting a little bit more reach. When was the last time you jumped? Dan? What? When was the last time you just jumped in the air? Who me? Dan, when was the last time you jumped? Dan? What? When was the last time you just jumped in the air? Who me? Dan, when was the last time you sprinted?

I know you're wrong at the minute, obviously, Adam, but when was the last time you sprinted? Sunday, in the Curragh, County Kildare. That was good. We did a GAA special, which will be coming out in the next week or so, early February. Yes.

And it turns out I'm quite the hurler. Right. Oh, I fucking loved it. I got a little bit of a sprint on. Apparently, after the age of 35, 95% of people

will never sprint again. That's what I... Was that the stat you were about to whip out? Somewhere in my head. Yep. We're watching the same reels. I find that a little bit scary.

Me and Dimitar Berbatov, we can still go full pelt. Oh, yeah. Even... Berbatov's never run full pelt. He never ran. That was the beauty of his game. He stopped running

at Bayer Leverkusen I keep getting a lot of compliments is he your therapist again? is he your therapist again? you know what you don't even need attention Adam

you should say that on the podcast out of nowhere when no one's talking about it he's all slagging me therapist off because she keeps lying

she's analysing me and it's all good you know what I think is happening? I think Adam is going in a room with a big mirror and taking cocaine and talking to himself. Honestly, like... Yeah, you know what?

You are fucking great. Get here. She said he's got no red flags. I'll turn the saliva on the mirror again. It's me therapist. She said he's got no red flags. Right. She's me therapist. She said he's got no red flags. Right. What do you think my red flags are?

I couldn't possibly speculate. Exactly. Good boy. Too tall. Is that one? Too good at jumping. That's what I've seen. I keep getting a lot of compliments

about the pace I'm running at from people who run. While you're running? Why did you bring that up? What's your attitude? When you pass a runner... What? When you pass a fellow runner

when you're out for a run, pass. You have a nod? You have a little wave of the hand? Like that way. Not just when I'm overtaking them or lapping them. Gives them a little wheeze.

Are you running? Come here. All right, mate. Is it because you look like you shouldn't be able to run? Apparently my pace is good for anyone. Yeah. No, that's fine. I've seen it.

I've seen every run you've done. Grant is a runner. He is. And he messaged me and said he can't do that. And other people have been like, sick, that one. So you're the world champion. I done 15 kilometres yesterday. In an hour and 26.

Phenomenal. You think it was a record? What record? Do you remember that guy who did 5k in like 2 minutes post that on Instagram do you remember carbon fibre shoes apparently they make you

look double fast nikes but carbon fibre no carbon fibre shoes yeah you know who I'm talking about are they a thing are they like

Oscar Pistorius's like blades yeah no they literally they literally make you faster am I right stop asking him Shane can I honestly there is such a high chance Yeah. No, they literally make you faster. Am I right? Stop asking him.

Shane, can I... Honestly, there is such a high chance that Adam will own a pair of those within the next 45 minutes. He's right. You can't wear... Yeah, you're right. ...australious legs. Finn, back me up.

Carbon fiber shoes. Yeah, carbon plate running shoes. How much are they? I'm running the Paddler's Marathon, not the Padder Marathon. Adam, you'd run that 15K in about 32 minutes in these. The ones I've got are quitedocks marathon, not the Padda marathon. Adam, you'd have run that 15k in about 32 minutes, Denise.

The ones I've got are quite good. They give you a little speed boost. Is there cotton fibre in them? I couldn't tell you, lads. There might be, you know, because they look similar to the ones you've got. Alpha flies.

He's got his routine. Goes for therapy and then goes on a run. I got our entire podcast team to sign up for the Belfast marathon and I was like, lads, I leave from the front.

I'll do the longest leg. Let's do it. Got everyone into it. People who don't normally run. Got them the front I'll do the longest leg let's do it got everyone into it people who don't normally run got them all in let's sign up let's do it realised I'm on a stag

that weekend oh dear I had to just leave the team 30 minutes all the boys including the comics that come on or is it just like

the production staff and everything some of the comics that come on too right like my mate Dave had never has never done a marathon

or anything like that have you done a marathon before I've done legs of a marathon I've never done the full thing you've never done what I've never done a marathon or anything like that Have you done a marathon before? I've done legs of a marathon I've never done the full thing You've never done what? I've never done the full thing What I was going to do which is mental Is go from the first leg and just run for as long as I can

Do the first leg and then just keep going for as long First leg? First leg of the marathon? Yeah You know like the relay? Is that a thing? Yeah Hold on it's more mental

if you don't know what a relay is no I know what a relay is but I've never heard of a relay marathon yeah yeah I don't think it's just a Belfast marathon

that do but like people do it in teams of five or six and it's a good way for people to do like 5k up to eight something like that why don't you just go

for the 5k run I've been talking about this people keep messaging me going I'm training for a 5k I'm like you should just go and do it yeah you should just be able to do it

5k is training yeah you should be able to just get the couch to 5k app shouldn't exist it should just be well it should it should just be one

Spotify it should be one day go on see at the start of COVID when I started I'd never really been I played football but never been in the actual

just running up until then and then every time I did it, I needed like a coffee. A coffee before a run always helped me, but then I would need to shit. So I used to shit on every run over like three, 4K. Oh, preach. To the point where I had regular spots to do it.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is odd. I never had regular spots. I always moved it around just in case a farmer was like, you've shat in this field before. What? Why are you poo poo on the floor? Oh, yeah.

If you're 3, 4K away from your house and you need a plop, you've got to make a business decision. You're in a field. What, in the middle of COVID? It's literally in the lockdown. Yeah, yeah. There was no options. You had to shit in fields.

Yeah. You had to. Yeah. Yeah. We had no options back then. That's a shit in fields, son. They're covered. You fancy toilets. And you know what I do? You know, on the app Strava, in notes, Yeah Yeah We had no options back then That's a shit in field son Come in Fancy toilets

And you know what I do You know in the app Strava In notes In case people looked at it And went Why does he stop for Why does he stop for 70 seconds

I'd write in brackets Stretch at 3k Or whatever You know I put something in I need to start stretching Before I start running Tied my lace

Beside that Field You know did not shit i used to i used to start taking i was i was so bad for it because in my head i was like you're an athlete dan you need caffeine before you go but then it was absolutely like the reason that i was having a plop after about 25 minutes and once you need a plop 25 minutes out you are not gonna get you know when you go, you feel your tummy go, there's no way,

even with the incentive of not shitting yourself, you are getting back. If Paul Radcliffe can't do it. Exactly, yeah. I took like fucking... Poo bags? Yeah, not poo bags,

like wipes. I had a little fucking pocket full of just in case. Yeah. I had a little bit of blue roll. before I go for me rummy. What is it? I just empty myself before I go for a run. It doesn't work like that. I don't... bit of blue roll. Before I go for me rummy. What is it? I just empty myself

before I go for a rummy. It doesn't work like that. I don't... Pooh, wank, piss, cry. I don't know what they're... Vom. I just go browns, get a sausage,

empty everything out. Adam, you're the scoosh gorgons. I am, yeah. Pooh, shit, wank, cry. Do it. Yeah. What was the question? So taking the minus £3,000 offer on the chase is unacceptable.

Yeah. Disgusting. And she was right to break up with him. But I think the attitude is, let's just go for it. Let's just go for it. As far as I'm concerned, in a relationship, it's us against the world, isn't it? And she should be supporting him,

because fuck the other contestants. As if they got less money. But they didn't win. Exactly. So they definitely't win. Exactly. So they definitely weren't going to win without him then, were they? She's nothing to do with it. She's just thinking about shagging this guy

and she's like, this guy's a wimp. I did a BBC Northern Ireland quiz show, game show once. And I'd been doing stand-up for like two years before it. What happened was they came to my college to practice it out and we were media students. And then they went, you said my good, correct, you want to do the actual show

I was like yeah I'll have a laugh with it and they were more nervous in my entire life you know the music spotlight thing on you and I

you had the like if you knew the answer you could almost like steal to be the person in the hot seat and I was like I'm going to steal in I know the answer

and then I didn't know it and then I just had know it and then I just had to leave I knew but it was the worst experience of all time because I was like 19 you know it was sports played with a ball and there was like five I'm out boxing oh I jumped in with baseball the answer was was cricket. And see, for the way humour back home works, for about two years, all people in my local town shouted to me was,

baseball. I'm like, yes, lads. Baseball, for like two years, baseball was my nickname. What's your nickname now? Hmm? What's your nickname now? I've never really been a nickname guy, you know.

Toddy? Yeah. Toddy. I've never I've never I've never had one Ronaldo Did I tell you this In

Ronaldo No like Whenever I was like Eight or nine In school I had Ronaldo for a while Which I thought Was like

The Brazilian Ronaldo When playing football And then some girls In my class Were like You got buck teeth And big ears That's why they're calling you that

That was a tough one to take For two weeks I loved it You know what I mean I was like telling my dad and stuff Might have been their love language though You know what I mean Yeah

Being audible to men 809 years old What's your love language We've got to have our words around us Oh nicely done Finn What a pro. It's time to have a word with Adam and Dan. Tell us all the problems you have with your friends. It's a bit naff now.

Someone needs to make us some new genres. Jonglers? Jonglers. Right, this is from an anonymous lady. Have a word with my situationship. He's told me that every day since he's 16, he turns the water to the hottest setting in the shower and scolds his foreskin to try to last longer when he has sex he says it

stops the sensitivity this feels like a red flag have a word it's a red ball bag um i know for a fact it's not a red flag because i do the same thing and my therapist knows about it so it's not a red flag therapist um puts him in the bath. Also, Finn, you said he scolds his cock instead of scalds. I just like the idea he's telling it off. Don't do it. Is it? I think, listen.

If you're an early jizzer, if you're quick. You said if I got any nicknames, that was one. The early jizzer? I was quick drama jizz. When I was young, I was quick to the jizz did not last long what who was calling you that uh the girl i just had sex with it was tinchy strider quick to the jizz when i came when i came so he's been in the end of his car i just think when you're young and you're like this is a worry because it's it is it's

it's embarrassing isn't it when you're young and you're so it's like you're horny and you're like this is a worry because it's it is it's it's embarrassing isn't it when you're young and you say it's like you're horny and you want it to happen and you get there and you last three seconds so if someone's gone hey if you scald your cock in the shower like someone told me that if you didn't wear underpants you went commando it's just sort of desensitize everything i didn't wear underpants for about three months like in my head i was like i just want to last a bit longer. Fucking commando down. Getting his fucking pubes caught in his fly. Did it work?

No, did it fuck? Who told you that? Someone really funny. Or like a teacher who wants to see your cock through your pants. Don't wear pants the next few months, then it's better for you. What? Don't ask me. Go the whole way and just get a circumcised, get a lobbed off like me.

Apparently that makes it unsensitive. Well, it goes two ways. You've always been circumcised, haven't you? Since birth. It can go two ways. Get that off. My surgeon told me. He said either it makes it really sensitive

or the opposite. Right, okay. So I went the other way. Your balance starts crying. When that wind was blowing, I nearly came. It's a real... The first time I ever had sex without a condom, it was so embarrassing.

I was like, we're in! Apologies. How old were you? Horrific, 17. How old is she? 34. She was my PE teacher incredibly strong

if you quick on the draw I mean I've had that like a quick one and it's not like two seconds and done

but like I've had like a couple of minutes in but that's when I've gone like days without a wank if you're quick on the draw just fucking lick the lot of it

what? for hours basically stuck in a towel yeah you jump in and out don't you up and down is that I mean

could you go and have a tactical wank would that work if you just quickly was like might be a slow reloader though right nah

Adam reloads in about 40 seconds so he's alright green flag I will lick the lock record that one Adam

green flag that lad fucking smashed it if you've got any sort of like anxiety about that just make sure you use everything

else you've got to make hair come before you put your cock in full arsenal case to the city so you don't want to burn your

bellend use your face use your fingers, use your elbows, use your knees, whatever it takes to get here to fucking gush all over the guy.

And then you can just pop in for a sec, have a little wiggle, kip. Finish first. Women don't care how they come as long as they come.

He speaks for all women. That's what his therapist told him this week get out the bath I'm done and thanks for using your elbows come on girl

come here come here once I finish with this you're going to get two and a half of the best penances of sex of your life get some of that

bellend spray you can get bellend spray. You can't get bellend spray as well. It's not called. Okay, I'll do that. It's called mace. Wear your bellend. Mace your bellend.

That'd be a bit of a burn out, wouldn't it? Don't do that. You can get desensitizing johnnies. You can? I know. I'll tell you what,

if you wear them the wrong way around, if you wear them the wrong way around, that is going to lead to about eight good bits of stand-up that I've seen from different people over the years. If there's any men out there who've got the opposite problem

and you struggle to finish within a certain amount of time, you can get Tingle Lube from lovehoney.co.uk and it'll make your cock tingle. It feels like you've got pins and needles in your bellend, but in a good way. You're having a heart attack in your dick. Yeah, just stop.

You're gonna hurt yourself, aren't you, mate? He's been doing it for years, apparently. You must have no foreskin left. But like, you don't need to, it either works and then stop

because it's already worked or it doesn't work and stop because it's not working. I'm trying. Yeah, that's true. I don't think you can burn It either works and then stop because it's already worked or it doesn't work and stop because it's not working. I'm trying. Yeah, that's true. I don't think you can burn the sensitivity out of your cock. I just don't think you can.

I've always said that. This is a real worry, though. For the lads that are genuine, I've been there. Over time, it just gets easier. Just get better at sex. Yeah. Use your mind. Do like mad maths.

Use your mind. Four plus six, yeah. And don't let her do any four plus like mad maths use your mind 4 plus 6 yeah and don't let her do any 4 plus 6 mad maths yeah don't let her do any 4 plus 6

to you that was the one time I finished like within like a minute or two like I'd been fucking

going to town with the 4 plus 6 for her and she was just fucking like she was like like she was

fucking Michael J. Fox at the craps table just like and she was just fucking like she was like she was fucking Michael J. Fox at the table just like fucking put it all on black I was just nearly done by the time

like she wanted to go for fucking yeah don't let her wank you off for 20 minutes and I just don't want to come but it was literally about 10 minutes of it

and I was like wanking you off yeah what she was sitting there wanking you off and you didn't go jimmy just started i was fingering it's an angel it's a delicate angel i was warming it up and she just fucking put me goes on

mutual masturbation it's called yeah yeah it's good yeah but she just went ham you all right finn yeah thinking about boys finn just fuming because i mentioned fingering he's like no let's talk about cocks yeah oh shane you've not made Finn gay forever. It's like, what's that movie with Richard Gere? Is there a movie where like, did I make this up? Whenever I was a kid, I saw it. And one of his-

Do you mean the home video where he put a J-Blooper's ass? Not that, I think this was a gateway for that. One of his, in the movie, some guy wins- In cinema, before they film starts, look at this. Some guy wins an Oscar in the movie and he goes, want to thank my teacher. He's given me the confidence to be gay because he's gay. And then Richard, it's Tom Selleck, pretty woman. Not that one. Tom Selleck's like, oh, I'm not gay. And then he realizes at the end, he is gay. What film is this? It's the one with Lou Gehrig's disease are you gay it's called

it did really well in Northern Ireland should we call that a pod everyone yeah yes go and buy tickets if you're in and around

Northern Ireland or go over go get a flight over takes about 20 minutes it's cheap as fuck go and see one of the best comics in the UK and Ireland. Nice one. Do his thing.

Shane Todd, ladies and gentlemen. You're on tour? Yeah. I don't know the code at UK. There's loads of shows on sale. I'm doing some comparing. Dan Nightingale and Friends, but I'm calling it Fiends. They're all at dannightingale.com.

Have a look. There's about six or seven shows already sold out. It's not a proper tour. If you're like, why are you not coming here? It's just a chance for me to compare and get some clips out.

So it's my favourite room. So I'm not going everywhere. I will go everywhere on my next tour. Finn. Yes, we've got a song. This is from a band from Wigan called Shrouded.

This is their tune. Shrouded in Cough. That's why Finn likes it. Wigan, you mean Willys? No, go on, Finn. Do it again. This is a band from Wigan called Shrouded.

This is called All Ghosts. Finn's going to quit. All Gays. I'm getting on Indeed right now. All right. Cheers, Shane. Indeed, my man. That's a little shit. Cheers Shane In deep or more Believe me Next time, kick me and I'll shrug.

Bury me with the love. This is your end. Notice you should leave before it gets too hard to stay Cause we're all ghosts anyway We're all ghosts anyway We're all ghosts anyway We're all ghosts anyway We're all ghosts anyway You break me

Still I find No peace Still I find no peace of mind Let me, still I won't break Forget to me more than I can take This is your red notice You should leave This is your red notice you should leave Cause we're all ghosts anyway

We're all ghosts anyway We're all ghosts anyway Yeah, we're all ghosts anyway Yeah, we're all ghosts anyway you