Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #263 with Horatio Gould - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: February 12, 2024

Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan Nightingale & Fiends Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.ukComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsCheck out Finn's music: https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20Supreme CBD | https://supremecbd.ukStress less and sleep better with Supreme CBD using code WORD40 at checkout to get 40% off sitewideFüm | https://tryfum.co.ukHead to tryfum.com/HAVEAWORD and use code HAVEAWORD to save an additional 10% off your order today.BetterHelp | https://betterhelp.com/word10Get 10% off your first month!NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Become one of the lids:https://patreon.com/haveawordpodTickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comFind us everywhere:https://haveaword.pageDiscord:https://discord.gg/haveawordpodFollow the podcast, our hosts and our guest on social media:Have A Wordhttps://facebook.com/haveawordpodhttps://twitter.com/haveawordpodhttps://instagram.com/haveawordpodAdam Rowehttps://facebook.com/adamrowecomedianhttps://twitter.com/adamrowecomedyhttps://instagram.com/adamrowecomedianDan Nightingalehttps://facebook.com/danhasapodcasthttps://twitter.com/danhasapodcasthttps://instagram.com/danhasapodcastHoratio Gouldhttps://twitter.com/horatiothegouldhttps://instagram.com/horatiogouldcomedyADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Now then, ladies and gents, welcome to the Have A Word podcast. Hope you enjoyed today's episode. Before we start, I'd like to tell you about my new stand-up special. Dan Nightingale's special is on the Have A Word YouTube page. Go and watch it now, like, subscribe, share it, tell a friend, enjoy. I think it's some of the best stand-up I've ever done. I hope you like it. I do not have a new special yet because I am still on tour

and we kick off again this week going all over the country there's 33 dates including some big ones that we're going back to for the second time like leeds and places we haven't been yet like blackpool and cardiff still got three dates in liverpool to do i'm going all over the place adam road.co.uk forward slash tour all the dates are there 33 still to come they're starting to sell out and I'm dead excited to get back on the road because I've been bored for a month since the last one. It's an incredible show.

Go and see it. I'm going to do some comparing this year. 2024 is me going to be hosting and comparing. Come and see me doing Dan Nightingale and Fiends

and also the Comedians Club Chester. All of these dates, there's about 40 of them through 2024, are available at dannightingale.com patreon.com slash have a word pod

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podcast in the game. From the heart of Liverpool, with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only Have A Word. Brought to you by Manscaped, the very best product on the market for below-the-waist grooming.

Go, Ed. Get on me. I'm tired, Dan. Well, we'll get you through it. I need someone to do a coffee run, I think. I'd love someone to go and do a coffee run. Harry, go and do a coffee run. I'd love a coffee. What's stopping you sleep?

What's stopping you? When are you having your last caffeine of the day um normally around two o'clock at the latest it's not it's not a caffeine thing what it is is i get too late at night and i dark what i'm i i really just need eight hours sleep but what i'm refusing to do is go to bed eight hours before I have to be up. Okay. And that's waking you up.

No. Because you're having bad night's sleep. I mean, I always have bad night's sleep anyway because I've got shoulder anxiety. Yeah. I need to strengthen my shoulder. I need to get my surgery on my shoulder done so that I, you know, start throwing jabs again.

Yeah, start fighting again. Because I do want to get ripped again this year because yeah it's a shame to have you out of the mma scene in it well i don't want to do mma i'd like to do boxing though like just like not like her full-on fight but i'd like to like uh do a bit of boxer size you know what i mean i'd like to learn how to throw a punch just in case i have to ever defend a fair maiden yeah i'd like to get back into Zumba. Oh my God, do you remember Zumba when he took over the world, didn't he?

Do you remember Zumba? Zumba is still thriving, mate. Who made Zumba? Because he must be fucking minted in. Pete Zumba. John Zumba. Oh, sorry, yeah.

Pete John Zumba. The brain named him. Fulham player. That's great. Great. You think of Fabrice Moamba? What? It's a similar name, isn't it?

No, I reckon Peter John Zumba probably paid for Fulham at some point. Is it a brand or is it a thing? It's, I don't know. I think it's like Baddies. The pub. The Baddies in my Zabby village. Have you heard of these Baddies workouts? I'm thinking they're starting to go, you know.

What? What? You know what Baddies is? No. No. You'm thinking of starting to go, you know. What? What? You know what Barry's is? No. No. You've heard of Barry's. What? What?

Barry's tea. I know Barry's tea from Ireland. I know Zumba's still going. I've never seen... I've just joined a gym recently, and there's like Zumba you can book in. There's no Barry's. No, no, no, no, no, no.

You know what? All this running around, sit down, reach for the can of lager, have a drag. That's Barry's workout. No, Barry's is like the hardest training regime on the planet now. It's very big in New York, LA, London, and now Liverpool. They're on the top of funnels.

Why have they called it Barry's? Some fella called Barry runs it, obviously. That's where they've made the mistake. Barry's, New York. It's made the mistake. Barry's New York. It's a proper thing. Barry's Boot Camp. Barry's Boot Camp. It's the new Zumba.

Women love it. Women love Barry's. Women swear. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's a really big deal. They don't want to fuck him. By the way, the comments are going to make you all look stupid

because it's very common and well-known, and the fact you haven't heard about it is mad. But you know why I'm taking the piss? Because it sounds like... Because it sounds like... It does, it does. It's just a bad name for it, isn't it? Zumba, you think you're going to get fucked

by some Spanish guy. Yeah, you'll learn to do it, Marjorie. You'll learn to do it really well. And then come to my home country. Show me your Zumba skills and I will make love, make love till 5am. Yeah. Lovely.

But I'm thinking of going to Barry's boot camp. That doesn't sound as good. Because I need to take my marathon training up a bit. I need to slim down a bit, put a bit, I want to get a bit chesty as well, you know? I'm in that zone of my life, single man, need to get fit as fuck, find a beard, and then get fat again.

Yes! That cycle. I'm in that bit of the cycle. You need Barry, mate. I think Zumba would work for you. Plus there's ladies at Zumba, like a majority of. Also there's a...

What have you found, Carl? It's all over the world. Yeah. Australia, Qatar, Singapore, Spain, Denmark. It's massive. Basically Europe, UK, UAE, from before. Yeah, I've never heard of it. That's mad. Yeah, UAE, from before.

Yeah, I've never heard of it. That's mad. Yeah, maybe my algorithm's not like yours. I see lots of dogs and shoes and some boobies. Yeah, mainly tips. I see a lot of women who go to the gym. You know, that's what I'm into. Women and gyms. Honestly, everything you're saying sounds very Zumba-y.

I think maybe Barry's is a bit of a fad. Zumba's been around a while so you're thinking barry's is gonna knock you out and then you'll be able to sleep no no no oh this is a separate issue you just need walking i think the sleep thing is just i need to be drinking less and going to sleep eight hours before i have to get up do you have trouble falling asleep or is it um sometimes but uh i think what i need to do there to start doing my journal again. You know? I did three days of that

at the start of the year and I fell off the wagon. Ah, you know. Apparently. So, do you know when you have like an anxious mind? Do you know when you have an anxious mind

and your brain's like, oh, don't forget, you've got to do this, you've got to do this, you've got to do this. Right? The reason like an anxious mind is firing all that stuff at you

is the anxiety part of your brain is worried you're going to forget to do it. But if you get out of bed and write it down so you've got a to-do list, your brain goes, he's wrote that down.

Don't worry about it. Oh. And stops fucking shouting it at you. Huge fan of the to-do list. Yeah. All good, yeah. I don't know if there's invoices you write it down

and just totally forget about them. I've got shit loads of invoices to do. Write down, do your invoices. That's done. That's done, isn't it? There you go. You haven't written it

down have you that's your anxiety brain oh i fucking hate it all you know there's so much to do i don't want to do any of it you need to hire a pa to hire your pa oh fish shut up and also come on finn get a piece of paper we're gonna write adam's list now let's write his list come on one of the things is writing your journal, wasn't it? Yeah. Yeah, well, Finn's going to do that for you. I'm right. What's your list, Adam?

Come on, let's get your list done. It's going to help you. No, no, no, no, no, no. You might curl up here. Pay everybody you've ever met who you owe money to. No, no, no, no, no. Who do you owe money to? Who do you owe money to?

Everybody in this room. Why do you owe money, Matthew? Do I? You owe everybody money. Not me. You don't owe me money. I don't owe fucking anyone money. Why do you owe money? Why do You owe everybody money, not me. You don't owe me money. I don't owe fucking anyone money. Do I owe you money?

Do I owe you too many money? That's the thing, you don't owe me any invoices. What do I owe you money for? Wake? And what about you? Last January. What do I owe you money

for from last January? Juicy. You don't owe me any money. I've been stealing off you, so it's fine. What do I owe you money for from last January? What? Juicy. What? You don't owe me any money. I've been stealing off you, so it's fine. I don't know if that brings anything back. You owe multiple people money. Okay, put paying people their money.

Paying invoices, yeah. Paying invoices. I need to send invoices. Oh, no, no, no, no. Number two, you need invoices coming in. So one should be sending invoices to get money in. Sending invoices. Oh, no, no, no, no. Number two, you need invoices coming in. So one should be send invoices to get money in. Sending invoices. Two, pay invoices.

Pay invoices. Actually, just before two, find the invoices where people... Oh, I need to text our dolly back. Shit, dolly. Text dolly. Text dolly. I saw Celica's Sparrow. Did he promise that last year?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, because you went to America. Oh, my God. You went to America. Oh, darling. Oh, Sawtellica's spa. I thought he promised that last year. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sawtellica's spa. Oh, because you went to America. Oh, my God. You went to America. Oh, my God. You also promised Laura a five-day stay in Tenerife with a partner. I remember you saying that. Put that down as well.

Sawtellica's spa. Laura. No. Holiday. There's so much stuff. I was just trying to get a free holiday. Start riding your BMX. Do you know?

I know. You want a BMX? You want a BMX and you forgot about it? Look, that's him. It was you, to get a free holiday. Start riding your BMX. Do you know? I know. You want a BMX? You want a BMX and you forgot about it? Look, that's him. It was you, wasn't it? Sign up for Zumba. Barry's fitness, yeah? Look, can you all just let me get this marathon out the way

and then I'll do the rest of it? Oh, marathon. That's on the list. Marathon. What do you mean? It's on the to-do. He's got to do it, so it's on the to-do list. You can't put a marathon on a to-do list.

Yes, you can. I mean, the level of stupid to miss the Paris marathon. He's like, look, oh my God. I knew, I just had a weekend free. I had these fucking plane tickets to Paris. Oh, I didn't go to therapy yesterday. Therapy. Oh yeah, you had that realization

eating a grilled cheese, didn't you, or something? Yeah. There's so much to it. Why has life got so much to do. Why? Why has life got so much to do? Have you unpacked yet? I did half of it last night. Can I ask you a question? Because you don't do

a lot of the stuff you meant to do and then it builds up. Yeah, but I don't want to do it. Yeah. Yeah. How many brown letters have you got? What? How many brown letters?

I've opened them in my mail. Oh, wow. That's a good one for you. Yeah. Yeah, but you have moved recently, haven't you? What? If you've got any brown letters, I've opened them in mail. Oh, wow. That's a good one for you. Yeah. Yeah, but you have moved recently, haven't you? What? You have moved recently, haven't you? No, I've still got access to the email.

Do you know what? It's got easier than mail since I've moved. I've not told anyone where I've gone. That's made it a lot easier. You're not lying. Getting a lot less letters. Sound. Plus, I live with two other people now

and they open letters for me. I, yeah. Have you got stressed out with all this? Because we started writing a list for you and it stressed you out, hadn't it? I can't tell you,

like that wasn't me acting. That was extreme stress. Have you paid the Runcorn Bridge fine yet? That's a good question. I've got so many money. Right, Runcorn Bridge.

No, I have. Just, for new listeners, we worked in run corn for two years basically adam went over the bridge the mercy the mercy flow in run corn i'd say i'd say he went over it at least five or six times a week a week and just forgot to be like oh yeah that's a toll bridge and it should sort that out so they got in touch and asked for basically the deposit for a house. And Adam is dealing with it by saying someone's dealing with it.

And that's it. No, we told him it was a loyal customer and to fix it for him. You know what? I love bridges, so you shouldn't even be doing this to me. It's going to ruin my love of bridges. That's one of the top three bridges in the Northwest.

Right, I think that's a pretty extensive list, Adam. One that's done by midnight. I'll send that to you on WhatsApp, Adam. You'll have a belt. If you do that, I'm gonna fire you. We'll hire you again. I can't tell you how much it bothers me that we have to do all this stuff just to be adults.

Yeah, but then if you did it all- Like last night- No, you'd sleep. You'd sleep, man. Like how much it bothers me that we have to do all this stuff just to be adults. Yeah. But then if you did it all. Like last night. You'd sleep. You'd sleep, man. I know I would, but I don't want to do it. Last night, I folded all of my T-shirts and put them away. I shouldn't have to do anything else this year.

I genuinely believe that. That was enough. And next week, they'll all be dirty and I'll have to wash them again. And then dry them again. And put them away again. It's just life. It's like sitting there shitting yourself going,

I resent having to water the toilet. I do. Me and Jack were talking about this. Isn't one of the most arduous things in your life brushing your teeth? Yeah. Is there any risk That's why I do it in the shower.

than having to brush Do it in the shower. fucking teeth being in bed how long are you brushing remembering oh i gotta go and brush my teeth so that i don't stink of shit oh not the worst thing in the world i just want to do comedy have a laugh with yous put my dick in the occasional vagina and have a kiff. Can that not just be? Wow. Oh, we do. At least one of those things needs you to brush your teeth. Oh, maybe. And that is a fact.

I mean, I'll put up with some bad breath and comedy fans can't smell your breath. Oh, I envy the Amish so much. They have to build their own houses. What? They have to build their own. Yeah, but then they get a sense of achievement and they don't have to pay taxes.

Oh, my God. I hate drying clothes. Drying clothes might be genuinely worse than... And we haven't got a dryer in the new flat. We've got one fucking, like, drying rack in a room where we don't put the heating on. I put T-shirts in there last week, like, literally eight days ago,

and I took them out last night because they'd been in there too long and they're still wet. Yeah, drying clothes is the worst thing. Hang on. Am I meant to not kill myself? How? Am I meant to just go on washing clothes

and waiting months on end for them to dry? Go with a lawn dress. Why? Why are we alive? It's so pointless. You've got people in your house I can understand

why you're not sleeping. Right, let's, don't give me problems. Let's give me solutions. Laundrette. Laundrette's great. Ian,

never go in the laundrette. I can't put my T-shirt in a dryer because the sink. He'll spend £8,000 on new T-shirts. It's got a spinner. He'll spend £8,000 on new t-shirts. It's got a spinner. It's got a what?

I've got t-shirts. They all fit me. It's got a spinner. You put it, you wash it and then it spins it. It's the wrong solution. No, a lawn dress is one big chunk of washing. He's never going to do it.

A tumble dryer. No, because it shrinks your clothes. No, there's a clothes rack that you hang your stuff on and you plug it in and it's heated. I've got one and it doesn't work. You know what it does?

It dries lines. It dries lines. How cold is the room that you've got this thing in? Is there a fucking radiator in there? Those things just dry lines into your tops. All of my necks are soaking all the time. Because you can't dry the neck of a t-shirt the only way you try it is my way of it the sleeves on a t-shirt i have not had a dry sleeve

in decades sir it is an absolute drain of life oh jack i think i might be moving back into my flat there's more space. There's stuff that's dry things. It's so hard, innit? There's so much to do. Adam's gonna be married in six months. Just easier. You know, I don't necessarily really love her,

but my collars are so dry. Do you know what's mad as well? She gives me so much. Having to pay someone to turn the lights on. Isn't that mad? What do you mean? Like, you know? It's working for you.

Sing, sing! Energy bills, man. The lamps. I just watched the telly. That's such a basic human right. I had the lights on, did you? I had a bath. £600 a month.

Were you on a boat? Wild. That does my head in. Energy bills. I think you might need your meters checked. There's just... There's so much to do. And none of it's fun.

It's all just basic stuff, though, isn't it? It's all basic stuff. Nothing... So far, you've given me... Look, you've had fucking 28 years longer than us to get used to all this shit. Drying T-shirts and brushing your teeth. You've got a wife as well?

Yeah. She doesn't brush my teeth. I mean, I fucking has to do. She steadfastly refuses. She doesn't do any of my clothes either. What are you trying to brush it with though? Her arsehole? Is that what you're trying to say?

No, you're trying to brush your teeth with your car. Do you pair your socks? Because I'm telling you right now. Are you alright? The idea of sitting there on the end of my bed with all my socks and going through one by one and trying to pair them all to put them in my drawer.

What I've got at the minute, so because I've still got access to my old flat at the minute, what I did was I did a full sock wash. Like every sock I've worn in the past month, I took them all to my old flat, washed and dried them, and now they're all in a washing basket. And what I should do tonight, when I've got in the past month. I took them all to my old flat, washed and dried them, and now they're all in a washing basket. And what I should do tonight, when I've got a bit of time,

is sit there and pair all my socks. Am I going to do that? No! I'm a fuck. Of course you're not! I'm going to leave them in the washing basket, and every day try and find a pair. A fucking crystal maze for a matching sock. I've got an Ikea bag. There's solutions for this. You just buy all the same socks.

You never have to pair it up. Dan, you're not as into fashion as me. Sock fashion? Socks fashion? Yeah. What have you got on now, babe? Oh, you've got boots on and no one can see your socks? Oh my God, the classy black Nike sports sock.

Yeah. You fucking trendsetter. Just get loads of them. Yeah, because no one can see them today. But like, if I've got like, me trackies on, if I've got like blue trackies on, I'll wear like blue socks

if me socks are going to be showing a bit because I think about these things. Not like you, but your UPS hat. Wow. I've got a Nike, a bag full of... By the way, that was a dig I did on myself in the kitchen the other day. I hadn't even noticed, but he's gone,

yeah, I'm having that for later. You UPS-looking motherfucker. The bag of socks and underwear, I've got a blue IKEA bag, and my socks and underwear stay in there, and then I find them in the morning. There is something satisfying about sorting stuff out as well. Like, last night, when I finished that T-shirt drawer,

what I did was, I folded them in, put the arms in, and then rolled them all. Did you do it as a T-Rex? Yes. No, but you know you've got your arms and your T-shirts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Flap them in. They're soaking wet, so they stick down.

Right. Adam loves playing T-Rex when he's doing... And I've rolled them all, and they're all... Like, you can see them all in my drawer, and I can see what the designs on each one are. Unsustainable. I don't know, you know. You're not doing it again. It turned turned me on so it's the third time i've done this since i moved oh wow yeah i'm a new man but you don't want to brush it no i do brush of course i brush me peggy's mate i just don't like it you start

brushing your tongue yes yeah thank you for the advice. 40 years in. Jake, mate, just there's so much to do. Just get similar socks and just fucking make it easy. What? Meditation. It's just another thing to have to do, isn't it? If I learned how to meditate, I've got the list you've just written. Oh, and meditate as well while you're at it.

Also, do you know what the bad thing is? I don't want him chilled out. It doesn't work for us. He hates it when I'm not laughing at myself. I want him... You know when I'm in a relationship and not drinking, he hates me. He fucking hates me.

He looks at me like, look at you, you fucking settled down sober cunt. He wants me single and on the ale. You're so much more fun. Listen, I don't care if you're in a relationship or off the ale or on the ale. I just like it when you're fun. When you're on a health kick and everything's settled

and you've got your head down and you're working hard, it's like, oh, it's business, Adam. Oh, and it's good. It's fine. I want you to achieve. I want you to achieve while being fun. It just all becomes part of it. He's out. See you, mate. It's fine. I want you to achieve. I want you to achieve while being fun. It just all becomes part of it. He's out.

See you, mate. See you later. I think he wants you on the aisle as well. I just think there should be a point where it's just like, I've done. I should be able to get enough tasks done where there's an omnipotent God who looks at it and goes, you know what?

He's done enough for a lifetime. The house never ends. Oh, I thought you just meant in general. Like there's always something to do, isn't there? You can never have a day

where you do everything. There's always something, isn't there? Yeah. It's horrible. Washing your clothes, doing a full-time job. What have you got to do?

Hang on. You live with your mum. What have you got to do? I've got to smoke weed and finger me arse. That's on the to-do list. Same time as well. You're going in the front way, yeah?

Would you go if you were fingering your arse? Would you go that way? I probably would. I don't, but I would, yeah, I think. When I've done that before, I'll come front. Go in the stirrups. Separate hand from the spliff, though. Yeah, it makes sense. I've hand from the spliff, though. Oh, yeah, makes sense.

I've never done it. Finger drawing also. Tim, what have you all done today? No, but there's just always stuff. My car needs cleaning. I can't be arsed. Calm down. How many times a day don't you do it?

By the way. I'm saying there's always stuff in your day that you could be like, oh, I could do that, and it does need doing. Yeah, wait until you move out, son. I did. I had a house for a few years. Do you do washing at home?

No, the washing fairy does it. I just put it in the washing basket and it comes back. Your mum? That's the one. Yeah, I just... By the way, you can get someone else to clean your car. No, I know that. I know, but I'm just like... Your mum? Yeah, she doesn't do that. I just park up and it's clean. She, I know that. I know, but I'm just like, your mum?

Yeah, she doesn't do that. I just park up and it's clean. She doesn't do that bit. She does everything else. I just, lads, none of it sounds that difficult. It's not. It's just the naughtiness. Sorry to.

Sorry, I know. It's the amount of things. I do all this stuff. It's irritating. None of it's difficult to do. It's just constant. Yeah, constant. Juggling with two balls isn't difficult, but I don't wanna sit here and do that all day either. all this stuff it's irritating none of it's difficult to do it's just constant yeah constant juggling with two balls

isn't difficult but I don't want to sit here and do that all day either no of course but no one wants to do it but this is this is the disconnect with you you

and you know this but you don't put this into action you know that if you just chip away at all these things in a steady fucking manner they all get done and they don't cause

the mayhem that's at the end of it if you just ignore a lot of it and you know what if you could have come to me in 2013 and 14 and give me that piece of advice then i'd be fine but it's gone past the point you know what it is you're done i'm gone too much of a backlog that's when he started crossing the bridge i've got 10 years but i love that fridge I've got admin to do since 2013-14

you know he's a football fan that he just remembered that as a football season he didn't just give me a year yeah 13-14 fucking great season for Liverpool terrible for my admin

probably wasn't no he came second it was the Gerrard slip what are you eating? nothing chewing my tongue he's eating a bounty like a paedophile What are you eating? Nothing. Chewing my tongue. He's eating a bounty like a paedophile.

Carl's gone fucking mad today. Calm down, Carl. It's a bounty. Bounties are great. Why have you just started snacking on a bounty? I wasn't talking. You all talked to me when I was eating. I was cleaning the clear.

On the pod where you're the presenter? Nervous fuck. You all started talking to me. I was eating. I was cleaning the clear. On the pod where you're the presenter? And that's just for your dad talking to me? I'm just over here having me little lunch time. Do you know what? He starts asking me questions. A very high-paced chat. I'm the director of the company

and I can't just stop for no reason and have a fucking half a bounty. There's another thing. It's a fucking joke. You got any bounties and have people being up your ass? Bounties are great, by the way, and people who don't like them are trying to be cool. Damn you have any bounties? You don't have people being up your ass? Bounties are great, by the way. And people who don't like them are trying to be cool.

Dan versus food. Bounties. Yes. No. People who you're trying to be cool by pretending you like it. And here's the thing. Here's the thing. I'll give you a slight little olive branch.

I don't mind a bounty. If I have a bounty in my mouth, I'm not like, fuck no. I'm not like that. You wouldn't put it in your mouth if you did, right? I don't mind. I wouldn't mind a bounty. If I have a bounty in my mouth, I'm not like, fuck no. I'm not like that. You wouldn't put it in your mouth if you did. I don't mind. I wouldn't choose a bounty.

I don't mind. You have chosen a bounty. Over on Mars. That's all we've got in here right now. Right. But like, I'm having a little coconutty surprise in my mouth. I'm all for it.

Exactly. But you being like, oh no, I like bounties. That's you trying to be cool. People who say they don't like, it is. And you do it all the time with everything. You always want to be cool. People who say they don't like, it is. And you do it all the time with everything.

You always want to be cool. I like a bounty. It's a fun side. You're trying to be cool. You're trying to be different. Okay? Do you like a bounty, Jack? No, fuck off.

Don't be on my side there. You're trying to be like, I'm too cool for you lot. You leave bounties in your tubs of celebrations, do you? Well, I'll just hoover up all the bounties because I'm a big cool monster. I eat bounties before the Milky Ways. You're a fucking idiot then. You're trying to be interesting and you're not.

Milky Way buttons. Just a bounty link. Stars, magic stars. Oh, mate. Heavy. Freezing cold, though. Oh, bosh. They sound like they should have drugs in them Don't they A proper crunchy We could make that happen The Milky Way Magic Stars Should we make that happen

Yeah Yeah Oh crunchy bites as well When I was a kid And I watched my mum Drink like two bottles of vodka a day You're trying to be cool mum That's what you were saying

Oh No one likes vodka She was like Adam I don't want to drink I want to eat bounties Fuck off you hipster I just like I used to look at heries. Fuck off, you hipster. I just like, I used to look at her and be like,

why are you doing that when you know it's fucking bad? And now I'm just like, how does anyone know? How does anyone know? Just nail so much ale every day. And she had two kids. And it just turns your brain off. Imagine if you had two kids as well. Oh my God. Oh, that is up there with some of the bleakest shit

that's ever been said on this. Knowing what happened to your mum. You know what? I miss her a lot, but I can see why she made those choices. I can. I can. She had a lot of trauma. And on top of that, she had me and our Jack.

And our Jack's a cunt as well. And she had to put up with the fucking pain of us. She had to bath us. Oh, get in the bath, will you? I don't want to get in the bath. Get in the fucking bath. Okay? You've got school tomorrow. You need a fucking wash, you stupid fat cunt. Get in there. Have your tea. She did the

tea and the dishes every day. She's washing the fucking uniforms every day. She's cleaning the house every day. Mumma want a drink. She'd make us a drink and give us a drink. She had to do all that shit on top of that to-do list that I've got to do. How dare anyone judge her for being like,

do you know what? I want two bottles of vodka and two cans of Diet Coke. She deserved it. Wow. Was that the ratio of vodka to mixer? Did she have the same list? Because Barry's fitness is on there. I'm not 100% sure.

She had to pay Matthew from Juicy. She also wasn't very good at... The Paris Marathon. Or paying invoices or getting my bear the spa day. I done me list this bloody big. I've been to the Paris Marathon. I'll say this about Anrel. Never did the Paris Marathon. She had say this about Anrel. Never did the Paris Marathon.

She had her critics, but... Oh, God. Yeah, being an adult's hard. It's not even hard. It's just annoying. It's annoying. There's too much of it, and I just need some of it to stop.

And everything costs £600. Right, everything. Let's get you a PA. Come on, let's get you a PA. And then... Let's get a boy PA. Let's get a's get you a pa come on let's get you a pa and then and let's get a boy pa let's get a man to be your pa and let's wow let's get you a cleaner a cleaner a gay one a what a gay pa p gay yeah okay gerard p gay gay pa It's like a really fruity IPA. I'm into it.

I think we can help. John Blanchard, Gayfield. Cars had crack today. That was for Harry. It's all the bounties. It's overdosed on bounties. It's in those bounties. Get you a man PA and you won't want to kiss them.

By the way, there's a porn star who overdosed over the weekend. Emily Willis. She's alive. One of my goats, actually. Is she?

No. Yeah, she's in a bad way now. Yeah, so good luck, girl. I think I missed something. Carl was doing an obscure football reference. No wrestling. Oh, wrestling. And so this is what we went from.

A gay PA to, yep, one of my favorite porn stars OD'd at the weekend. And that made absolute sense in my head. Sort your life out, Adam. Try and get it all together. I've just had a thought about a porn star who's just died. Dead? No, she's not dead.

No, not dead. Oh, dead, dead. She's not dead. Also, porn star related news. Lisa Rann got chucked out of a Matt Rife gig. For trying to suck people off? Yeah. Something like that.

I didn't read the rest of it. It was something about that. She just had a phone out. Yeah. Did she? Right. And they were doing the, your phone's got to be in the bag,

like at Zany's. Was it Zany's? Where were you? Was it Zany's, yeah. Oh shit, yeah. No, sorry. That's what, I don't know if it was.

It was at a New York comedy club. They did, yeah. I mean, and Chappelle. Yeah. Is Lisa around the like... Big tits. She's like...

Let's point that way though. She's like the Michael Jordan of porn. Right. She shouldn't be doing it anymore. Yeah. Why? I don't think she does. How does she stop?

Why don't you think she should be doing it anymore? I know someone who's lashed out as well. Yeah. We've met someone who's bummed it. Why don't you think she's... Because she's just older. I know someone who's lashed out as well. Yeah, we've met someone who's bummed her. Why don't you think she's because she's just older? I just don't find her attractive. What do you mean?

Well, no, that's fine. It means he doesn't find her attractive. Yeah, but I mean, why does that mean she can't be doing it anymore? What's the shelf life of a porn star? If you can last

into your old age, I suppose it's like there's less competition in it because a lot of people have got... She's probably like 28. She's retired. She's 51. She shouldn't be

doing it anymore. You can't be getting wellied on the telly at 51. Wellied on the telly. 51. Come on. Why?

Will I get wellied on the telly What do you mean? I want to get to the barbie bar. When I'm 51. She's in great nick at 51. Why can't she get some D for, like, dollar?

I've just looked at her career, and she did a bit of a Fergie, as in Alex Ferguson, so she quit in 1997 due to an AIDS scare, but then out of the game she was a bit bored, so she came back to the game. Can I just ask, what have you heard about Sir Alex Ferguson and AIDS? You got an AIDS game? I heard that he retired in 2001 because he was scared about AIDS in the dressing room

and then came back a few months later because he was bored. And then the Invincibles happened. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. I don't think 51's too old if you're in great shape and you're making dollar. Plus, it's like a subsection, isn't it? So she's the queen of a subsection.

Not for her, not for us. Not for her. She needs to stop for her. But some people are in it for the love of the game, Cal. I don't think she is. She's retired. She's good. She came out of retirement twice.

She did 2018 to 2020 as well. Tom Brady. It's Tom Brady. Wow. good oh shit she came out of retirement twice she did 2018 to 2020 as well tom brady it's tom brady wow so another thing i think 51 is too old isn't it annoying that like everything that you want to eat makes you fat sorry yeah all the nice stuff yeah yeah like last night that is annoying last night we had a lovely pork chop in breadcrumbs, seeded breadcrumbs, and these lovely potatoes and a load of pickles. And I knew the pork was bad for me as I was eating it. It was so tasty and delicious.

Like two nights ago, I was a bit hungover. So I went to the chippy and I got salt and pepper ribs, loads of char siu fried rice and loads of curry sauce and a portion of spring rolls. So unbelievably delicious. So nice. And then, have you tried to eat

like a salad and like just smile through it and just be like, oh no, I actually, I've become a bit of a salad guy and I fucking lie to myself

every time I'm eating it. If there's a God, if there is a God, do you believe in God? If there is a God, he's a fucking arsehole, isn't he? Like,

he's tormenting you. Yeah. Like, oh, all these things you really want to make you fat and die earlier and unhappy? Why can't lemon meringue pie be like two calories? That'd be so nice. Kanye West once said, why everything that's supposed to be bad

make me feel so good. And I adhere to that. Celery's fucking horrible. And it's expensive. It's the most expensive thing. Fruit and veg. If you do a fruit and veg shop. That's not true.

A fruit and veg shop is so expensive compared to like, I'm going to get pizza for tea. What are you talking about? You get a pizza for a quid. It's not, yeah. You want to get a nice salad. You're going to spend more than a quid.

Do you want to get a nice pizza? It's more than a quid. But you can definitely get, go and get pizza and chips from Tesco and spend the a quid. Do you want to get a nice pizza? It's more than a quid. But you can definitely get, go and get pizza and chips from Tesco and spend a fiver. But if you want to make yourself a nice, healthy tea, you're spending more than five pounds. Fact. Factos. Fuck you, guys.

Have you ever bought strawberries? They are expensive now. Everything's gone mad expensive with that. Yeah, but you get a cheap shitty tea. Brexit. God fucking... Are you going to be alright? Shall we have a little break so you can have a little calm down? Everything's gone mad expensive with that. Yeah, but you get a cheap shitty tea. God. Are you going to be alright? Shall we have a little break so you can have a little calm down?

It's been fun watching you rage against the machine, but... Just calm. Yeah, I'll fuck you up. Do what you tell me. I need a coffee. Let's get Adam a coffee. And we are back. Smooth.

I'm no less calm. Okay. You seem calm, though. no less calm. Okay. You seem calm, though. You seem calm. You seem... You love the prep all the time, so... Let's see how this goes. Yeah.

Let the lids take the wheel. Carl, it's your time for the jingle. We've got a... Done? Question? Oh, sorry. This is from... Finn, you've got to look at me as well sorry we've got a question

this is from leah mead wag wag lids i have a question what's something daft that you believed for far too long i have two my dad told me when i was younger that the cat's eyes on the roads were braille for drivers who are blind and i believed this until i mentioned it in my freshers week trying to be interesting to my new housemates a bonus one i did ballet growing up and thought that the leotard that i wore was because my name is leah so i went around adding tard to the end of all the other girls names and she was had to have a quiet chat with the instructor i love your rebecca tard yeah and we also we had someone else right in as well separately who it was a similar topic shane said i thought geese were

male swans until i was 25 i mean they are really aren't they hang on what i know. I thought my pet budgie had flown away and came back and left a feather for me until I was like 16. And I asked my mum to confirm that story in front of a friend of mine. And she was like, no, the budgie killed itself by plucking all her own feathers out. And we just told you that story

because it was less bleak. I think the fact that she was halfway through her second bottle of vodka that day probably really made her tell the truth. Second can of Diet Coke. My dad to this day believes that Jesus was a space alien. My mum thinks that as well. Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na. If you think about the story, it makes sense.

There was a light in the sky and it was like, flash. And then, baby. I've told you my grandad won. My grandad said I wasn't allowed to sit in the front seat until I was 16 in the car. And I still believe that. I don't know if that's true or not.

Do you have to be 16 to sit in the front? No. Because he could act like a cool grandad, like you can sit in the front? No. No. Because he could act like cool grandad like you can sit in the front. I'm cool. Yeah. With a booster seat? Up until a certain age

and then if the police came past I'd have to hide. At 16 with a booster seat? I'd have to hide if the police came past. Maddy was proper like he went for it

like is that not true now? No. My dad used to tell me that I've heard he told me that there was a turbo button on his car. Yeah.

I'm sure I've told you this as well. Revenant. And it was just the heater. And I'd press it and then he'd just rev the car. Every time I pressed it. My dad's car's walking past. You must have ones with the kids. It's a Ford Escort.

Surely you must have ones. What, where you lie to kids? You don't lie to your kids, yeah. I lie to all children. No, yeah, I do. I lie to, kids yeah i lie to all children no um yeah i do i like them yeah of course like it's literally part of parenting isn't it if etta asked the time and i wanted to she goes i'm like it's bedtime she's like no it's not what time is it like if it's dark outside you you're not reading the time i've got the watch on it's any time i fucking want you're just trusting that that's actually the time and i'm just trusting i mean i'm just

going on the numbers that are there but it could be a conspiracy can't you read the time you what what age do you learn the time she probably should uh she should be able to read the time now he's keeping it away from her that's my dad that's belter never teach your kids the time that's why the summer's a fucking nightmare. Because you're like, it's bedtime. And she's like, dickhead, the sun's out. Yeah, but that's because you've spent all winter going, it's bedtime because the sun's gone away.

Yeah. You've made a rod for your own back there. Yeah. What you need to say is, it's bedtime, because Stone Cold said so. Yeah, that's the bottom line. It's bedtime because I fucking say so. I was told Red Bull was alcoholic. Because you don't want to give kids Red Bull, but I wanted one because of the adverts. She's like, you can't, it's alcohol, I fucking say so. I was told Red Bull was alcoholic because you don't want to give kids Red Bull,

but I wanted one because of the adverts. She's like, you can't, it's alcohol, you're not allowed. Believe that. Baby Bells wasn't allowed then. Far too expensive. Wanted them because of the advert. They're alcohol. They used to hang them off the thing in the quickie,

like the easy buys, and I'd grab one. She's like, you can't, they they're too expensive and I never got a baby and then I had one when I was older and it tastes like shit so she was right yeah my dad thinks Jesus was a space alien

and he also thinks that all humans might be aliens and that we inhabited this planet from elsewhere what I mean yeah

it's an interesting it's an interesting theory isn't it because there's a big gap, isn't there? It went dinosaurs, humans, and everyone's like, what happened in the middle? We came here,

blew a few fucking T-Rex's heads off and built co-ops. Does he say a lot of these theories to other people, or is it just you? He doesn't really speak to anyone but me. Even that's rare. You've made some gaps as well

at other moments, yeah. What? T-dexes blow their heads off co-ops is that your dad or you that's me Adam sit down

I'm worried about we're all aliens we came down bummed a few T-dex there's a gap that's a chicken isn't it what are you telling Jack because Jack must be so easy to lie to

yes turn up it's a lovely ad so I've got psoriasis on my skin haven't I I've got you've told me it happens I've got weird

weird blesses I'm like no that's your eyes it's just what you're perceiving I just say that I fell off a motorbike used to have a I used to have a pterodactyl

like love lying to kids like that and he believes it no they're just now etta's like oh this is what dad does if you ask about something he's like i used to keep a crocodile and it bit me but jack is young enough that that kind of bullshit is why don't you do some fun stuff why don't you start lying to jack now about laura's name she's bev yeah bev my name bev give laura a different name and then when he's older because he's gonna just know it as mum for a long time right no he's he's no because he hears me call her laura i'd have to commit to it and be like bev and it would work you're absolutely right

you know but everyone's gonna have to tie in you say i call her laura because it doesn't i didn't don't do that it It really upsets Mummy. I just do it as a joke. Yeah, just say Laura. He's got enough needle about him that I think he'd then call her Laura. Just say Laura as your mum word. Right. That's what you call your wife. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Laura's wife in your language. Laura's just another word for babe. Yeah. Or like bitch. You know what I mean? I say that to my two-year-old. Yeah, yeah. Don't call her Laura.

That's for my bitch. She's not your bitch. yeah. Don't call her Laura. That's for my bitch. She's not your bitch. So what should he call her? What should the new name be? I don't know. Ian. Whatever he wants. Ian.

No, it's got to be predominantly female. Ian's very male. Irene. Irene? Ria. Tard. Mildred. What? Mildred what Mildred

Mildred can I go with Bev that I came up with Bev I like Bev I like Bev but you're relying on no one going

like what are you doing why are you calling your mum Bev like Etta's not just gonna be like yeah roll with it it's banter she fucking would

if you got it in on it now early on right we're gonna lie to Jack She can't even tell the time, mate. Yeah, but she's she likes a bit of fucking chaos, doesn't she? She's a funny kid. You could get it on board. Right. My niece still believes in Father Christmas and she

is going into year six and I think that's too old. I don't think you should be able to get to year I think you should get to year seven to believe in Father Christmas. Yeah, high school. So she needs to find out in the next year, doesn't she? Wow. It'll be quite a bold uncle move to be like, do you know what?

I'm taking her out. We're going for Pizza Express. I'm going to have a little chat with her. It's for an uncle. Guess what, kid? Yeah, finish your garlic dough, bud. No, I think you just let them find out. You don't have to pull them aside and tell them anything.

No, I'm not going to tell her, but I think she needs to know. No, definitely don't tell her. Year seven, you can't be believing in that you can't be in big school going Santa's coming

why no way what why she's magical innit you get called Santa bastard for years that's what we do

no Santa bastard you need to be done with that shit because I get a Christmas present what does she think is happening there you've got to be very careful

about doing the because our neighbour did some banter with Et shit because i get a christmas present what does she think is happening there you got to be very careful about doing the because uh our neighbor did some banter with etta because he's got a big gray beard and she was like you look like father christmas and he went well father christmas isn't real and laura i think he caught laura on the at the wrong point punches that's bad she was so annoyed about that and you're like because at the time she was five you're like don because at the time she was five. You're like, don't do that banter with a five-year-old. Let her have the magic.

But I know what you mean. When she's 10, I reckon we need a little bit more street smart than like, yeah, it's magical, isn't it? Nah, you let your kids believe until they don't believe anymore. But what if she's-

If they come home from school and go, everyone's telling me Father Christmas isn't real. You go, well, they're fucking lying. Okay, go and ask your ma. Bev! Bev! Put your A-levels tomorrow. No, she needs to know.

Yeah, I suppose, because at what point... Why? What? Why? Because all the kids are going to think you're fucking soft. You need to be street smart in big school. Yeah. All the kids are going to be like, are you all right?

Also, what are the other kids at this... I don't know your niece then, like she's very she's a very um she's a very innocent um she's also the youngest in a year because of the months i know so she's very supportive class that no one's gone oh no bad i'm guessing she's not the only one right but she's a she's a very uh she's a very sweet she's not like these kids these days we're all doing all kinds she's a very sweet age and I don't want to ruin it, but I don't want to get to year seven and be like, Father Christmas got me

this new pair of shoes. You're worried that she's going to get fucking picked on at high school? She won't, but I'm saying I think you should be a bit more street smart. So what? Well, if you're not worried about it,

oh. Yeah. You just don't want to do that. Because I get a Christmas present and I got her them. She knows that. What does she think happens there? Father Christmas dropped them at yours by mistake. Surely that's what you tell her. No. No. I FaceTimed her presents and i i got them she knows that what does she think happens there father christmas

dropped them at yours by mistake surely that's what you tell her no no i facetimed it and they thought i said you like these shoes i'll get you them for christmas and she's like yeah boss them when i get my niece christmas presents i say father christmas dropped them at mine and told me to bring it to you oh we we don't do that the presents under the tree at christmas morning they're from father christmas we've done the magic with the bit of soot from the log burner and everything. But every other present, people bring round. So they're just like,

yeah, that's from your grandma and that's from... Yeah, me, Uncle Carl. Like I don't... When Finn gave Etta and Jack presents at Christmas, I didn't be like, yeah, Father Christmas is not concentrating. He's left these at a 25-year-old in real. He just thought you might be staying over.

I know it does sound weird, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah, but he's fucked up. So Finn brought them round. And Father Christmas is good because he's got receipts. So it's sound. I don't remember being upset. I think that's all right. A little bit of wiggle room with that.

Yeah. I don't remember being upset when I found out, though. It's not like a memory. Going on. But you raised them, didn't you? The world's falling apart. It wasn't allowed in my house. So you weren't going to be upset?

All old magical men are not allowed in my house. Even at this age. What? No magical old men are allowed in my house. Gandalf knocks on your door. Yeah, he can knock and I can let him in. David Blaine. Yeah.

Knock. But if I come down, David Blaine and Gandalf playing FIFA in the front room, he can knock and I can let him in. David Blaine. Yeah, knock. But if I come down, David Blaine and Gandalf playing FIFA in the front room, I'm telling them to leave. They've broken in. No, you're not. Father Christmas has broken in. You're telling me you walk downstairs,

Gandalf in character, and David Blaine are playing FIFA. You'll go, immediately, get out. Sir Ian McKellen. Off you go, sir. Phone the fucking police. No, I've said this before. I don't want old men in my house in my sleep.

I mean, Esa's got that anyway, but he doesn't want another one. Fair enough. I'll try. Love lying to kids. Did you believe anything as a kid, Dan? Did what? Did you believe in anything silly as a kid?

No, I was a nihilist even as a five-year-old. Also, the Father Christmas thing. Who's Niall? Niall Quinn. He's my Jesus. Mate, you play a long ball up to him, tell me he's not the second coming of Christ. Unreal.

Peter Crouch. No, thank you. I used to try and power up like they did in Dragon Ball Z. Nearly burst a couple of blood vessels doing that what you ever seen Dragon Ball Z

you used to go so what they would do is they'd clench their fists and like scream and squeeze

and they would become super sane he just didn't know he had it they'd become super sane which would make them more powerful and had it. They've become super sane, which would make them more powerful and be able to punch people's heads in.

And I used to do that and then beat the shit out of our Jack. The first eight-year-old to give himself an aneurysm. Yeah, Adam's fitting again. He's Dragon Ball Z-ing. I can show you what I used to do because it'll be that easy

to find on TikTok. I don't know if I did all that. Like, the root over and all that um dragon ball z power up okay so i'd do this right the audio listeners there's a video on oh i just saw you do that in the first section there's a video watch now you can't even see it but watch now you can punch his head in

you see really helps it's like you're showing your mum something you watch on the telly yeah wow I got banned from

watching Dragon Ball Z because I wouldn't stop beating our jack up I used to do wrestling moves that was real wasn't it so

a lot like Dragon Ball Z we used to Thundercats was the one what did you do what kid called neil edelston came out of uh for break at primary school every start of every break and pretended to be lionel thunder thunder thunder cat at one he never got bullied at what age uh year six so we really are hoping it's gonna get out right here um yeah it's just it's not it's not cool i believed that i was the reason michael jackson died you told us this

before remind us what it was i think i told you off pod though okay um i was in a choir in year six and we sang michael jackson you are not alone at the theater you played in year six and we sang Michael Jackson. You are not alone at the theater. You played in real. Yeah. Um, we played that and I had a solo and you are not alone. I believe he died the morning.

I woke the morning after I woke up and he died. And my brother went, that's cause you were shit at singing. And I was like, did you then try and kill anyone else? I'm still trying. He's been trying to kill himself for years. Oh, mate.

Is that why you don't sing your own songs? That is unbelievable. Big brother shithousery, that, innit? Oh, I'm a bit worried. Yeah, yeah, it was you. Should have sung better. You did it. It's also, this isn't what I believed,

but I kind of just had a mistaken identity for years I thought Tim Westwood and Clint Eastwood were the same person for until I was like 15 or

16 I can see that 15 or 16 yeah I thought Clint Eastwood was doing Pimp My Ride and Westwood

I just used to get the names like interchangeably wrong do you know what I mean I'd love Clint Eastwood to be more involved in UK rap

isn't it mad that Clint Eastwood stars in westerns and Tim Westwood is from the east end of London that's a bit that nearly the first bit was good

Clint Westwood would be well better wouldn't he right if you believed anything I like that if you believed anything silly as a kid or something you just believed for too long write it in haveawordpod at gmail.com we've got an old feature

that we're bringing back for this one week only we've got underrated overrated one of the best jingles. Not done this for a while. This first one is from Steph Coleman. Underrated, Overrated, the travelators at airport. Everyone goes at them, but I swear that they're slower than walking. What is she talking about?

She's just going to keep walking on them. We've got to walk on it? These lazy cunts that get on and just stand. Just keep walking, you big fat twat. They're slower than walking. Yeah, they probably are slower than walking. You just stood on it. They're called travelators. You're meant to travel on it.

You get on it and you keep walking and you smoke everyone who's on the other side. Yeah, she's stupid. She's a dickhead, eh? Do you know how fast you can walk on them? They go... And then you stop and get on another one. Pet peeve, when people on a travelator get on it

and there's a family and they've got bags and they just stop and go, cool, why would anyone need to get past us? Because we know how to use a fucking travelator. Get on one side. I love a travelator. Do you know what? It's so sad when they're not working, though.

No, the worst is when you step on an escalator and they're not working and your knees break. Like your legs go, you don't know how to walk anymore. You forget how to walk downstairs. Mate, escalators are awful to climb when they're not working. Your brain doesn't know what to do. They're just,

they're just weirdly too high or something. but you, it's like your brain expects you to move and you don't and you go like, oh, you feel heavier.

You know, I've noticed it's worse when the other side's working. Your brain can't compute what's going on. Oh, on an escalator, have you ever done that

when you don't walk on an escalator but the thing for the hand is moving slightly faster. It's just a weird annoyance when you don't walk on an escalator, but the thing for the hand is moving slightly faster. It's just a weird annoyance when you're like, oh, just going to get to the top. And this just gradually goes too fast. So your arm pulls.

I love that. I don't know why that's so weird. What? How can that be moving faster? Sometimes it moves slower as well. Sometimes the band on the thing, they're not always the same. So they move quicker than the actual escalators.

I love doing that. It stretches me out. Yeah, I always find that weirdly annoying. I'll foreplay for you. Adam doesn't believe that it's ever happened. Sometimes they're slower and that's annoying as well. Oh, really? And it goes down.

Yeah. Right, next one. Duncan Sharp. Cup cup lids. Quick one for you. Parking on double yellow lines. What do you reckon? Overrated or underrated?

As in like the thrill, I think he means. Of either risking it. I haven't missed this feature. No. That doesn't, that causes me too much stress from the off. But yesterday, when we parked in that thing that was 30 minutes and we were there for two hours, then you feel like you've... If I can see my car, I'm okay, though.

Because they give you a little grace period, like five minutes. Yeah, they stand by it like fucking little parking nonces. Yeah, so if I can move it. But I wouldn't park on WL and leave it because I'm coming back to like 14 tickets. Do you remember that day when me and you just followed some parking attendant trying to boo in them? Yeah, you shouldn't bother

that really, should you? How old were we? We were definitely in our 20s. We were? Yeah. Was it pre-pod? Pre-pod, right. Yeah, it was about 21, 22.

I mean, it all... We were shopping and we got bored and we seen one and started booing him and he got really pissed off and told us to fuck off. So then we just kept sort of like,

we knew where he was going and just kept following him and we just went, boo! It's true. Like, I'm talking like not long ago like three or four hours not long ago not long enough ago for 231 two two year old man this is the guy that hates doing admin i can't i can't do all these jobs i've got three or four hours of following a traffic, jamming around booing. They are cunts though. Boo!

I still do it now. I drive past them in the car. I literally go, boo! Just for me. They are dead annoying, but without them, you'd be boned. You'd be so screwed. If everyone just wazzed cars everywhere, it'd be worse. You can be the wazzer.

What? If everyone's wazzing, you're wazzing. There's more more spots but it's chaos it'd just be chaos as everyone's just parking wherever they want and causing traffic like they're annoying as fuck of course they are it's a traffic warden but they're a necessary evil aren't they i don't know about that no i don't i don't know that i agree yeah and also they all look like gimps yeah Yeah. I'm not disagreeing with that. But without them, if there was no one throwing tickets around and everyone could just park everywhere, it would be a shit show. Who applies for that job, though?

Yeah, that's what I always think, mate. Okay, fair enough. I'm going to be a traffic warden. I need a job. Well, I could go and, you know, do this. I don't know what I want to do. I just want to go and give people parking tickets for just trying to get on with their lives. That's what I want to do. None of them go and give people parking tickets for just trying to get on

with their lives that's what I want to do none of them drive an invisible fucking cunt with a ponytail yeah and none of them drive not a single

traffic warden's got a car how do you know because you can tell you'll get the bus to work right not that that's a bad thing but they look like ponytail bus fellas

and you know apart from the fucking cunts I ate on the bus you know what i mean yeah i've got ponytails as well and glasses and big fat heads i think we've seen the same one yesterday probably yeah oh yeah what's the double reds is that like red yeah when it's double red lines is that no stopping that's like literally like double yellow, don't park here. But double red's like will kill you. I think double red is just the same

as double yellow. It's just a colour choice in some places. No stopping at any time. That's not right. That's not right. It's usually outside

like a school or a hospital or something. And we've got like mad ziggies in there. No stopping at any time with the red. Right, next one. Colour choice,

make it blue. You won't even know. Cam white. it's all boring these yellows it's like a purple cam white says underrated or overrated the swiss what the fuck do they even do swiss are we doing a whole nationality nationality nation do they bring i like roger feather and he's genuinely the one who makes me like them so i think he's doing a lot for them yeah i like zaydan shakiri so bit of a murky history in it with switzerland in it they were like there was a war but we're surrounded by mountains so why don't we just

stay out of it and when the nazis were like you know what we need to hide this gold somewhere do you reckon you could help out yeah and they were like where did you get the gold let's not talk about this we just happen to have a lot of extra gold you know somewhere. Do you reckon you could help out? And they were like, where did you get the gold? Let's not talk about this. We just happen to have a lot of extra gold. Fillings, glasses, jewels. War profiteering, basically the Swiss, aren't they? They made

Lindor though. In my eyes. Never been, man. Never been. I'm just accusing them of war atrocities. Have you not been skiing in of war atrocities there's no been men in Switzerland no there's no taxis you've not been skiing

in Switzerland I thought that would have been something you'd done that sounds like posh skiing to me oh is it there's like

the French Alps that's for fucking is skiing not all posh well everyone thinks skiing is all posh and then there's more expensive versions of it but there's cheaper

places to ski go on skiing in the French. But there's cheaper places to ski. Go on skiing in the Flinch Alps. There's cheaper, there's cheaper, I reckon Switzerland sounds like pricey. You go on a weekend, John. Yeah? In the Flinch Alps.

With me skis and me 11 kids. That's me. That's what I do. Roger Federer is genuinely pulling our country up. When he dies, they're fucked.

What a sportsman. One of my greatest regrets is not seeing him in the flesh. Same. Messi at the new camp feather at wimbledon i'll never forgive myself for not just doing it yeah couldn't give two fucks about tennis but he's very seemed like a nice guy as well did he yeah he's graceful he's a beautiful tennis player you want to fuck roger federer i would mate ever sportsman he's

up there yeah um right uh Next one from Shane Smithers. Underrated or overrated? Tortilla wraps. I think they make every food better. You can put any food in a wrap and it makes it better. Well, that's just absolute bollocks, isn't it? You can't put a butty in a wrap. What, a butty in a wrap?

You can't put a burger in a wrap. Burger buns are better than wraps. Ooh. That's close, that, I think. What, for burgers? No, for burgers. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. He's saying a tortilla wrap will be better than a burger bun.

Yeah, you can't put a burger in a wrap. You're free. I do like a wrap. Like, he's talking shite. They're rated fine. They're good for certain things, and they're bad for everything else. Everything they're used for, traditionally, they're good for, and everything else, dog shit, and that's what they're good for certain things and they're bad for everything else. Everything they're used for traditionally, they're good for.

And everything else, dog shit. I'm not having my cornflakes in a wrap. No? No. I reckon Adam's got a point. I don't think you're a wrapsman though, are you? I am. I like my Nando's in a wrap.

Do you like a burrito? Do you know what? I've never tried. Let me press smooth. I've never tried a burrito. Smooth. We've got you one. Wow. God. It's like a new. It's Dan versus food, never tried a burrito. Smooth. We've got you one. Wow.

God. It's like a new. It's Dan versus food, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, let me just remember to turn this stuff off. Do you know what's in a burrito? The Cholula as well.

Oh, shit. It's a burrito. Oh, nice. Could have gone to a little more effort there, Steve. I'm not going to lie to you. Poor Steve. Fucking running around the city centre buying food. There you go, lad.

Let's introduce it. Yeah, it's coming for you. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome... Oh, let's cover that. Dan. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to another episode of Dan vs Food. Dan is a 42-year-old man with food phobias

and every week we make him try a food that he's never tried before for your view and pleasure. This week, the burrito. of Dan versus food. Dan is a 42-year-old man with food phobias, and every week we make him try a food that he's never tried before, for your view and pleasure. This week, the burrito. Apart from those weeks where everyone forgets. I'm going to move them bottles so we can see the burrito. Oh, yeah.

The hot sauce, of course. Tell me what a burrito is. It's a wrap that's full of rice and beans and chicken. And, yeah. It's just a lovely Mexican, a classic Mexican dish. You just want to have a nice big mouthful make sure you get a bit of everything in. That looks very

sweaty. It looks like a Nando's wrap that I don't want. You take the fillings out of. You've got to take a big bite and get, because there's so much. What's our predictions? Do you think we'll... I think you'll like it. A bit of avocado in there as well. Oh, avocado. I there's so much. What's our predictions? Do you think we'll... I think you'll like it. A bit of avocado in there as well.

Oh, avocado. I grew up eating avocado. What's an avocado? Avocado is just like a... Is that guacamole? It's like a butter veg. Is that guacamole avocado? Oh, God. So sloppy.

Dan, it's all dead nice. Right. How many minutes? All right. Me what? Eh? You good boy. What are we saying there then?

Oh. Oh, De Niro's out. Oh. What are we saying? Is it busy? Oh, the beans. Very plasticky smell it's tasting, aren't they? No.

A bit. It's a weird taste. Stop eating the crisps. You know you like crisps. Come on, give us a rating. I don't like it. You're not scared of it, are you? Do you like rice?

No, that's a good point, actually. That's a good distinction. There you go. Do you know what? When I was young... Scared the bleetles. When my mum realised that I hated food, that's why I ended up eating a cheese toastie

and a plate of fruit. I didn't really love cheese toasties, but she went, oh, you can eat it, can't you? And I was like, yeah, but I don't... I was like, I don't like it. She was like, yeah, but yeah, but you can eat it. This is the same.

I could eat this. I just wouldn't't like it. She was like, yeah, but you can eat it. This is the same. I could eat this. I just wouldn't choose to. What do you think? Phobia rating and a proper rating. Phobia. Phobia rating, six. Actual real life, three. There you go.

I love it. Hope you enjoyed that. We'll see you next week when he's having yoghurt what about the hot sauce Dan you went to hot sauce

yeah I like hot sauce I thought that was something you'd never had I love hot sauce

I'm not gonna have it on yoghurt hello everyone welcome back to part three of Horatio's here Carl

it's all fast Horatio Gould is it gold or gould it's gould Horatio's here. Carl. Hello. He deserves more. It's all fast. Horatio Gould. But hang on. Is it Gould or Gould? It's Gould. Horatio Gould. Gould.

Carl. Hello. You were just saying that you don't like fucking your missus when she's hyperactive. Thank God. I genuinely thought you were talking about your kid then. Cause that's a relief that it's the missus, Jesus Christ. I didn't say that. No, but you didn't make it sound like a kid.

She gets all wild. She gets overtired. Cause we're talking about tantrum and the't say that. No, but you didn't make it sound like a kitchen. She gets all wild. She gets over tired. Cause we're talking about tantrum and the baby thing. And then, then you start to- Have you ever met a woman? No, actually this is, that's one of my things I've never met a woman. I'm hoping to.

And you always say it by the ear. And I was like, did everyone do the same joke at the same time? That is everyone. That's six for six. No women here. We said Adam's getting over tired and he's getting all like...

Basically, I haven't had enough sleep and the coffee hasn't affected me. Our lovely Harold has gone to get us a coffee now to hopefully pick me up. But knowing a little baby is just over fucking tired and they start acting out, that's how I feel right now. I said before bed, Seneca.

And then Carl said, and that's when I fuck him. No. I said Seneca gets like bitey and like, not annoying. Why would that not be like sex time? It's not sexy bitey. It's like, give me an arm and I'm going to hurt you. Because you're getting all over me.

That is sex biting now. Hurt me. I want to be hurt. Carl, is everything all right with Seneca? She gets tired. You finish the bill. You're tired. And then she just fucking nibbles you.

She goes, come here. Does Laura not get overtired and start like acting up be like naughty and then you like the kinky stuff that's your vibe right you love it piss on me bite me punch me in the air who are you talking about him or me i was talking about him i don't know are you into the kinky stuff i'll take a bite anytime me i just want to play singles Just straight down the line. No nonsense. Sean Dyche. That's how I approach. It's just hoof it up.

Get the job done. I'm like an SAI SWAT team. I'm in and out. That sounds like I'm nailing it. No, it's just more. I can get a job done in 45 seconds. Route one. Yeah.

Bin Laden's been killed immediately. That's mad though. You don't even know I was there. You know, I'm getting the chopper out. That's our problem actually. Yeah. To be honest. Yeah. That's mad though. You don't even know I was there. You know, I'm getting the chopper out. That's our problem actually. Yeah. To be honest. Yeah.

Are you playing 4-4-2 in the bedroom? Yeah. Exactly. Solid. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Sense and a half, so you can't play football but you can get out of everything.

Yeah. Occasionally get a big win, you know. Know your limits. If that would turn me on. No, I get that. If my master's was overtired and started biting me,

that would do stuff for me. You like dressing up and stuff as well, right? That's kind of your, what's your favorite character? What's your avatar? Or maybe avatar for the blue guys. If a girl has got, like, there was a girl the other day that I matched with on the app. Purely, like, I didn't even look at her face

just because she was dressed in a cowgirl outfit. Like the tied sort of, like a shirt that's been tied. Did she have udders or? No. Was that a woman? She did mate, yeah. You know what I mean? And a short denim short and a cowgirl hat.

But you like cowboy stuff to your thing as well. Woo! That's a double whammy. Cowboy tennis player. You shouldn't ever combine it, but if a lady did and put that on an app. Any sort of fancy dress does it for me. As long as they're not trying to look scary.

Like if they're looking a little tiny. Anything that's a hint towards sexy. Yeah, like Michael Jackson thriller. That outfit. That would get you going. Screen mask? What? Screen mask?

No. What about a green screen onesie? Yeah. That's a tricky one. Yeah. No, but they're quite tight to the body, aren't they? You're seeing all the contours of a lady's- Paw Patrol. Figure.

Anything? Just any fancy dress. Peppa Pig. A shoe. If it's done in the right way, I can get on board with Peppa Pig. George. But would you need a narrative to get you going?

No, I often skip right to the middle of the story. So is it just, you're just having sex with someone normally, they're just dressed up. You don't need a backstory, a context. I can't deal with the fakery. I can't have her coming in and going, well, howdy, my man, I'm a little cowgirl.

Did you want to fuck me at Christmas? What? I wish Tessa's Peppa Pig had a Christmas party. I don't know that Christmas song. You want to fuck me at Christmas? Because that wasn't... No. I hope not.

Because you haven't got good enough udders. Yeah, anything like that, yeah. That's a little kink. So you don't need the character... So once the costume's on, she's like, Adam, I'm a fucking cowgirl. Bum my head off. You don't need like, yee-haw.

There's no script development. Yeah, she'd keep the same voice. You don't like any voice. The artifice of sex does my head in. And I know that sounds mad. What? Wonderful. Do you know someone being so over the top?

Like, I fucking blew. So the noise is? Calm down, girl. I'm not into that. like someone being so over the top, like I fucking knew. So the noises. What? Calm down, girl. I'm not into that. Like, look, just like we both know what's about to happen. Oh, pussy.

You don't want the porny noises. You want it to be as close to like caveman. I want to know she's having a good time. Sure. You know? Just with a thumbs up occasionally. Fucking belt in that. Yeah.

So tennis costume on. Not even like, I've just been to fucking Wimbledon. you know just with a thumbs up occasionally yeah so tennis tennis costume on not even like not even like I've just been to fucking Wimbledon me lad just one fucking

two sets to one yeah because I know she hasn't we've just got back from Asda do you know what I mean oh which is the sexiest

of all the times isn't it once you get back from Asda you make a weird little selection of food for lunch and then you bum her head off fact get the costume on what have you come back from Asda, you make a weird little selection of food for lunch and then you bum a red off.

In fact, get the costume on. What have you come as? A Asda delivery driver? You're taking the piss. I know you all are. But genuinely, that would ruin it for me if she was like, I just got back from Wimbledon.

I'd be like, you haven't? We've been fucking in Sefton Park all day feeding the ducks. So what does the fancy dress do then? It just looks good. I'm going to break it down to the simplest form. He likes girls in short skirts

and that's it. Yeah. It's not just short skirts. So if she wore jeans. Yeah. Like a girl in jeans and a cowgat like looking all country.

That's like it. She's dressed up and she's made an effie. I think I just like effie. No, but you don't like effie? High court judge. You don't like if you wear long gerets? No, that's not what I mean. I mean effers for the things that I like.

Get dressed. I love you. Look at her wearing jeans. High class lady. Take me to Asda and then you're going to get your fucking head bummed in. She got dressed. She made an effie. Sexy bitch. Like jeans are sort of Western attire, Dan. Yes, they are.

They absolutely are. But you've never done anything. You've done Sean Dice 442. But have you never had a girl go, Horatio, I want to try something different. Well, it happened once at uni. I had a run-in with a local. Mauricio, I want to try something different. Well, it happened once at uni, I had a run-in with a local.

I went to uni in the Amazonian forest. No, I went to uni in Warwick and at a house party at my house, a local had come in. A Coventry local. And so this all happened- Because it's not Warwick, is it? I've never been to Warwick in my life. It's Coventry.

They don't want to say that because you wouldn't come otherwise. And I didn't come that night, actually. Yes, you would. Coventry's wonderful. Is that a big demo? No, I got an email. So there's a video of me on the internet

promoting my tour saying, I'm going to all the best places. I'm not going to any shitholes, though, like Coventry. However, since then, we have added Coventry. Oh, I see. And I did get an email. Well, I didn't get an email. Jack got an email. From the mayor of Coventry. From Coventry this week saying, why is Adam being rude added Coventry. Oh, I see. And I did get an email. Well, I didn't get an email. Jack got an email.

From the mayor of Coventry. From Coventry this week saying, why is Adam being rude to Coventry? Oh, fuck. You're getting to the size now where you can get mayors getting pissed off what you're saying. That is annoying.

It was actually the girl that you fucked. Because I'm slagging off Coventry all the time. No one gives a fuck. It's a local broken. Well, yeah. And then it happened within 15 minutes. She said, do you want to go up to your room and have sex? What the fuck?

This is from start to finish. So I meet her on the dance floor in my living room at uni. The dance floor? So we're having a house party. So we'd moved all the sofas back. It was like a after party at uni. Right. So we don't have a dance floor.

I haven't been to a party where they make a dance floor in the house. That's it. Okay. So we just moved all the sofas back. You've been to a party where people have been dancing. They didn't have a dance floor in our house. I've never been to a party where they make a dance floor in the house. That's it. Okay. So we just move all the sofas back. You've been to a party where people have been dancing. Yeah. I didn't have a separate dance floor room. If you say, where's Dan?

You don't say the dance floor. You say the living room. How big was the house? It was not that big. And he was talking about his house. Yeah. Where's your dance floor? It's the kitchen, isn't it?

It's usually the kitchen. Yeah. And then we went up to my room and she immediately wanted me to like punch her. And I was really, I wasn't giving it enough. She was telling me to hit her more than she was trying to get me to like fist her. And I wasn't into it. 15 minutes?

Well, this is from start to finish. So this is from meeting her, going up to the room, being forced to fist her, really like not into it at all. Was she homeless? Yeah, and here's the thing. I don't think you can be unenthusiastic about fisting like not into it at all. Was she homeless? Yeah, and here's the thing, I don't think you can be unenthusiastic about fisting. No, not at all.

I think also being like, I was like, kind of like Hugh, imagine Hugh Grant fisting. Like fisting's gotta be a bit, can't be like you're trying to knead bread. Oh, sorry, no, is this right? Oh Christ, oh Jesus. Tell me if I hurt you, oh Christ. Oh Christ, you're like a married girl, Jesus.

And then- That's a fast 15 minutes in it i said i'm not into this uh and then i'm not into it i never never saw her again yeah it was that and that all happened and i then uh my friend who hadn't seen me for 15 minutes said how are you and i said you won't believe what's just fucking happened mate christ and also no one else saw us i don't know if i was just having a fever dream and this is just some fucked up thing, but Christ. Imagine if I hadn't seen you for 15 minutes, I was like, I just fisted someone. Yeah, it was really weird. I hope it wasn't just a neighbor

coming around to complain about the noise. And you were so pissed, you were like, all right, I'll take upstairs. Or maybe it was a Marigold. And then I just imagined it all, you know. I had a woman, I'm sure I've told you this before. She repeatedly asked me to slap her harder, across the face. And on the third or fourth go, I give it.

It's a tough choice there, you know. How hard do you go? She was like, do it properly. And I was like, and she's like, fucking properly. And she was like, oh, come on. And I proper went for it. And then she went oh fuck off she slapped me back

Novak Djokovic top thin I had ringing in my ears for two weeks yeah she said you've been tangoed and got off well she counter punched

what she counter punched she belted me and I hadn't asked for that oh I see did she move out the way of that and she was a local

exactly what outfit was she wearing dressed as Donald Trump I don't know what was that she was in local. Exactly. What outfit was she wearing? Dressed as Donald Trump. I don't know what was that. She was in her fucking Beatty suit, mate. That's a worry though, isn't it? That they go, hit me.

Nah, hit me harder. Again. More. And then they go, fucking hell. That's too far. I'd want written consent before that. It's always sexy, isn't it? Getting a non-disclosure agreement out before you bomb.

If you say come upstairs and punch me, I don't know, you're going to have to do a video where you say you want this. What's up in Matthew going, I need a contract drawing up. It's like it's already in your inbox. It's been never three days. I knew she was coming.

I'm not doing that without any like, I don't know, some kind of video or whatever that she wants me to batter her. Oh, in case she goes to the police afterwards. Yeah. I mean, that looks like a hostage video though. I want him to batter me. I mean, that looks like a hostage video, though. If you're like saying, I want him to back to me. I honestly think that video is more incriminating.

It's a horrendous video. It would be under duress, wouldn't it? No, you're laughing. Bovey is like, Go on, tell me. Do the video saying you consent. Laugh more. Great.

Now let's have sex. It's like when the Joker's recording a feather upside down in The Dark Knight. Greatugh more. Great. Now let's have sex. It's like when the Joker's recording her feather upside down in The Dark Knight. Great, great, great scene. The dogs like it as well. Never do Batman references with the dogs. They're fucking mental.

I'm not punching anyone's head. I'm not them. Someone else knowing they want to. Do you not punch Sarah's head in? No. Not even when she's

overtired and nibbling you? I want to. Get off me. No, I'm not punching anybody in the sex. No. Not even when she's overtired and nibbling you? I want to. No, I'm not punching anybody in the sex place. I think my happy juice is here. It is. I'll coffee him up. Beautiful.

You're right with that, Horatio. I'm fine with that. Do you want a coffee, Horatio? I'm all good, thanks. I've got this liquid death. Very disappointing. No, it's nondescript., thanks. I've got this liquid death. Very disappointing. No, it's nondescript. Tin water, actually.

Amazing. You haven't paid us. Did you start in a comedy at uni, or did you start later on? You ever done King Gong? Yes, I did. King Gong. Funny you should ask that, actually.

This guy. He knows I was on a podcast. Have you ever done King Gong? yeah I did it once how'd it go? I got gonged off after four and a half minutes because someone in the Manchester Comedy Store

shouted Gerrard in a really Scouse accent so he went Gerrard and I went and Roger Munghouse went that wasn't fucking good enough and he gonged me off

oh he did it so it wasn't the audience it was just no but I was the third Scouser on that night and the first two had been gonged me off. Oh, he did it, so it wasn't the audience, it was just- No, but I was the third scouser on that night and the first to have been gonged off for being scouse. So I think they'd sort of got over it. Oh, I see, yeah.

By the time- I don't think the Manchester one, is the Manchester one as bad as the London one? It wasn't for a while. And then I think they were like, you know what, this isn't like the London one enough. So I think they were like, cause that's the whole thing with King Kong.

If you've never heard of us talk about the comedy stores like very very first gig you apply for is king gong you're trying for five minutes there's three cards up if three cards go there's a gong and you're gone it's the most brutal gig in the world i don't know why we have a next level it's crazy it's and i did they invent the idea of because americans weren't doing gong shows like that they've got kill tony now but i think it's quite a british invention it's a real the gong shows and and i think an old tv show isn't it oh really yeah where you well this kind of gladiatorial thing yeah at the comedy store king gong where it is it makes you really feel like it's undignified enough at times bombing as a comedian but given the audience more chances just to i felt like a

medieval peasant in the stocks being chucked with tomatoes you know 100 and if the crowd if there's three good acts in a row by the fourth one the crowd are like come on yeah what are we here for so you are sort of it's a tricky gig because most gigs if you're good you'll do all right and if you shit you'll be gone but there is there's things that come into play with a gong show like exactly like are you going on after two scouses are you a woman that might off immediately right yeah i've seen people get gonged off for walking on weird like this is what this is what i was trying to talk about so i do king gong i've never done it before i go on first joke fine second joke not fine third joke bombs I'm out in 40 seconds obviously go out like this every time a gong show just give it these going out two acts after me a man

with yeah severe down syndrome I guess is the best way of saying it severe down syndrome that's the only way down syndrome not diet down syndrome the full bone down syndrome okay um and crutches comes on the stage right and i've never seen a dance he's dancing and he's broke his legs oh no i don't i don't think it was broken legs i think that was it was part of the package deal um and so you sure it was down syndrome and not one of the other ones polio no it was i think he had down syndrome but other ones. Polio? No, it was... I think he had Down syndrome, but he might have had something else as well.

I think it was a lot of things going on. Okay. Did a polo at him? Hasn't polio gone? No, so he's been dropped. I think so. Like smallpox. There was a vaccine for it.

Yeah. Back in the day. It was the original. Are you going to take it? You know? I always remember a man came to fix my washing machine in mum's house when I was little and to get in the day, it was the original, are you going to take it? You know? I always remember, a man came to fix my washing machine in mum's house when I was little.

And to get on the floor, he just like threw his legs to the side and sat down. And I went, mum, what's wrong with that man? She went, he's got polio. And that's all I know about polio. What do you mean full blown or diet polio?

Polio zero. Fucking producers. Go on horatio this guy comes to the stage so he hobbles to the stage all right that's just descriptive and someone this i've never seen anything like this before someone shouts disabled cunt all right this is the worst thing i've ever heard in my life this is horrendous i'm like what are we doing this is awful that is a ball and then he's coming out he's now shaking he's terrified and then people start booing him and he gets gonged off it's the worst thing i've ever seen i cannot believe it all right and then i'm leaving because this is horrendous and he's outside having a go at the bouncer saying i've never been treated this badly in my life this is awful and the bouncer has no interest in it i've never seen anyone worsely treated in my life and then he sees me and he says look mate i have no way of getting back i've just i've come down here on my own he'd come from durham on the megabus because basically

he just typed in comedy gigs london he just thought it was a normal gig because that's what happens when you type it on google the first thing that comes up is london king gone so he just thought it was going to be like an open mic he happens when you type it on Google. The first thing that comes up is London King Kong. So he just thought it was going to be like an open mic. He's come on his own on a mega bus down from Durham to do this one gig. So then in this weird night, I had to basically carry him down the stairs at Oxford Circus tube station and get him on the bus back. And this whole thing took about two and a half hours.

At one point as well, he started slagging off my set and I was like, lad, Oh Christ, no, I'm helping you. I was,. And I was like, lad, oh, you know, Christ. No, I'm helping you. I was doing a good deed, but Christ, you know. I've got some notes. Yeah, exactly.

And then we're getting, we're at Victoria Coach Station. This is about, at this point, it's about one in the morning. So I'm waiting with him to try and get the last mega bus back. And there's no ramp to get onto the bus. And then he starts screaming at the driver. And still, I can't believe how badly these people are treating this guy with Down syndrome, right? And finally they get him on and the driver says he does this every week,

which was a weird sign. I didn't really understand what that meant. You mean the guy that you were helping does it every week? Yeah. Not that he's just like, I'm always a driver. No, he wasn't saying that. I'm just... Yeah, he dropped it. I do this every week., I'm always a driver. No, he wasn't saying that. I'm just... Yeah, he chopped it.

I do this every week. So I give him my number. And to be honest, I just started in comedy and my friends from uni hadn't moved to London yet. And so I kind of became like sort of pen pals with this guy for the next kind of three or four months. This kind of weird thing where we'd like call and chat. What's his name?

I don't want to say because I don't know if he's still gigging um but i do know it um and then this is where it starts taking a weird turn so i'm speaking to him we're getting on and we're getting on we're like we're making each other laugh like we're developing quite a friendship and i'm thinking to be honest i'm feeling like this is quite a good deed that I've done in many ways um and then he says something which I in retrospect I should have maybe been more I don't know litigious I don't know he said that basically Remembrance Sunday was coming up right and he was saying that he was going to lay a wreath at the Cenotaph because of his work for charities for people who are in with disabilities and he says he needs someone to push his wheelchair during rembrandt sunday sorry and so he said would it like would you like to do it and i guess i didn't really think much about it because i'm like the idea that none of my friends know i'm i have this friend and the idea that they're watching

no i'm i have this friend and the idea that they're watching remember it's sunday and there's like me pushing a guy with down syndrome with one of those you know uh the wreaths and he also said we're going to meet the queen so there'd be a like a dinner afterwards we meet the queen and i was i just didn't really think about because i just really wanted to i thought this would be an incredible experience you know um but then slowly more and more he kept taking things away he was saying like okay we're not going to meet the queen you know queen's off the table yeah and then he kept cancelling you know things and it just didn't all add up and i realized he'd been lying to me the whole time and before you know i'm shouting at this guy because he's really hurt my feelings and that's when you're shouting at a guy with down

syndrome for lying to you that's when you're like you know what maybe this this good deed i feel i'm in too deep with this one i feel and i've never told anyone that story before because i don't know how i feel about it morally but i just when did you last speak to him after that after i was shouting at him for lying to me and i was like hang on a minute what am i doing this is insane and then i so it was probably four and a half years ago it was right at the beginning of comedy um so yeah king gong was one of the weirdest gigs of my life anyway any weird gig stories with you guys a lot of people try and get laid after gigs. Nope. Not your style, Horatio. No, pen pal, four months to set down syndrome.

That's my style. That's how I like it. That sounds like a fucking brutal night at the comedy store. It was awful. I've never seen anything like it. I mean, that's not, the comedy store is not, that must be a bit of an anomaly. Yeah.

Like really, that kind of crowd. I know they're rough. I don't know. I know they're rough. I haven't gone back there since. I don't know. I love King Kong. Haven't haven't gone back there since. I don't know. I love King Kong. Haven't you hosted it?

You've hosted it, haven't you? Oh, I see, yeah. Twice. It's well in my wheelhouse to host it like that. Yeah, be audible. Yeah, but like you also, you've got to, when you host it, you've got to keep it on the tracks because it has to be my show.

Yeah, you're introducing these. It's the Compares show. Yeah. And you have to keep proper control over it because if the audience get too much control of it it just descends

into absolute nonsense because the audience think they want it to be worse than they do like they go baying for blood and they're like oh this is going to be

fucking horrible this is great but if it's actually just the audience cutting everybody off it's just a horrific show yeah it becomes dead men walking

we had a gong show years ago, me and Adam. One of the first things we did together. A gong show. Yeah. And you have a little gong show, don't you?

That you made? I did, yeah. Got me banned from the comedy store for 20 years. Did it? Yeah. But we've sorted that out.

Adam helped me sort that out just as I stopped gigging on the circuit. Why did he get you back just literally every turn with the comedy store and i still love to gig there i'd like to do shows there yeah it's just it's just been one of those clubs right from the off that every time i've tried to make it work there's just been like something's gone wrong there's been a disagreement or well i started something called beat the frog which was oh i see obviously a photocopy of what

they were doing at the yeah at the comedy store but i was like it's similar but they won't mind it's an old tv show they did mind i see um and then i just thought they just didn't give me work for ages when and then a couple of years ago they basically softened on it spoke to adam and it was all sorted out and I've gigged for them a couple of times in Manchester but just on a Tuesday

the weekend venue for the comedy store is gone the old Manchester comedy store is no more they've got a gig on a Saturday

and I'm also not gigging on the circuit as much so it's all just been very frustrating have you ever been in the London comedy store? I've never

been in the comedy Store in London. That's insane, isn't it? I know. So as we're having this conversation, I'd still like to. Because it feels weird that I've been a stand-up for so long and never... I feel like a footballer that's not played at like...

You haven't done all the side quests. Old Trafford or like the Emirates or something. I don't know. It's just a weird one. Yeah, that is weird. I totally know what you mean. When the knights on the other side of it, when the crowd all turn up to those knights

and they're too nice, that doesn't work either. No, you need a bit of... Because everyone's just doing five minutes and you're almost like... You feel like a cunt when you're sort of willing people... That doesn't happen at that one, though. No.

I think British people just love it though. I think there's something about, there's that tall poppy syndrome thing. They love someone trying something and then you have the chance to just tear them down. And if someone's being too nice with their card, the audience will shout, get the fucking cards up. Yeah.

Like it's... But it's such an insane human experience being gonged off. Like it's already an insane thing to do stand-up comedy standing on stage in front of loads of people trying to make them laugh but the idea when that first card goes up just that feeling in your head knowing that you're gonna get thrown off watching comics react yeah to the first card going up because they it's like a pitch right well there's a card up so what i better do now is speak so quickly that no one can understand yeah yeah yeah yeah oh i used to give props to anyone who survived two cards up and like you'd see a five minute set

the second card this didn't happen very often like a minute and a half in the second card would go up and in the frog that's not a big room you the cards were only ever on the floor because i couldn't see the balcony so the cards were close so they'd be able to do what three and a half four minutes with two cards up i'd give them props for that i might you might not win but that is proper comedy yeah to be able to go really on the edge this is really not going well i like as much as it sounds brutal i think as a comic you need to be able to survive that sort of shit i know it's not the be all and end all but there are going to be gigs that are absolutely horrific soul destroying they're going to feel hard work and you can't take it too personally you've got to be able to go well that was dog shit and it's

got to make you go but i want to do better next time rather than go i can't it's definitely the most psychotic part though i think being gonged off that feeling of bombing and being thrown off that's when it's just like you realize how yeah you are to this. Yeah, at the Frog, we started playing Beck, I'm a loser. Hey. I'm a loser, baby. What happens if you win with your five minutes and then you haven't got

another five minutes? What do you mean? Don't you have to do another five minutes at the end or am I making that up? Is that an envy thing? Clearly making that up. I know I've heard of nights

that have tried to do something like that. So what he's thinking of is when Hot Water first started in the nightclub, they had the Sunday open mic night, which was their original show. And then the first show they ever added to their roster was Friday night and they called it Whose Headline Is It Anyway? And there would be a comic who did 15 minutes and opened the show

and got paid like 50 quid. And there'd be a break and three comics in the middle would do 10 minutes each. And then there'd be a break and three comics in the middle would do 10 minutes each. And then there'd be a clap off in the third section for those three. And the winner would have to do another 10 minutes, but they got paid 100 quid for winning and headlining.

If you're not a patron of Have A Word, sign up at patreon.com slash haveawordpod. My last ever Beat the Frog is on our Patreon. The last dance it's called. Yeah. Well, the whole show. Yeah. Or just your set. A lot of it in it we cut out some of the sets yeah because some of it was actual people's

material like i called in favors from mates we had mates of ours some of the newer acts that were doing it at the time some pro comics got gonged off oh that's great that's nice i like that have you seen russell hicks's king gong set off oh that's great that's nice i like that have you seen russell hicks's king gong set it's one of the greatest five minutes of all time i think it's still on his youtube you know how he improvises all the shows he goes on last so he's 25th he goes on does russell hicks completely improvised and he wins the whole thing and it's one of the most unbelievable five minutes i've ever seen to go on at the end of king gong with no material and just absolutely demolish it's just incredible seen to go on at the end of king gong with no material and

just absolutely demolish it's just incredible was he brand new at the time i don't know how long he'd been going because that's like no he moved over here after having stars in america i think no i love some of his clips man he's a phony guy but improvising at king gong no material he doesn't improvise every i've seen some brilliant russell hicks clips where it's clearly stand up but he tries to avoid material as much as he can. Like he's all, he tries to do, he has a couple of things he goes back into, but he hates doing it.

Well, then his ability to observe and work through an idea on the, because some of those clips that Russell, if you don't know who we're talking about, go and find Russell Hicks. It's a very funny comic. American guy living in london my favorite man i just thought i just thought they were just stand-up clips yeah mad that's

why you can do so many clips because it's every show is completely different he's by far he's the only mc that i've seen people like not like because he's too he's too funny and everyone else bombs really that you'd kill too hard as an mc and then no one else can keep that up because that's what russell does just oh yeah it's bad mc you know in it i always felt like everyone should be ripping it because the audience don't even know what i'm saying is when you're trying to fuck people up it's not your fault if you're ripping yeah i i just don't think it's anyone's job to not do as well as they can yeah like got a rise to it you know yeah there is a way of mc and selfishly though yeah definitely doing over your time and like yeah yeah but that's not what he's talking as well as they can. Yeah. You've got to rise to it. There is a way of emceeing selfishly though.

Yeah, definitely. Doing over your time and like... Yeah, yeah, but that's not what he's talking about. Just murdering and then going, right, here's your first act. I remember you saying, if that's in the room, like if he can do it,

then anyone's able to do it because it's there. A hundred percent. So why aren't you doing it if he is? If he used to hate following Paul Smith, when he'd do his gym joke and he'd do his gym routine, which was about 12 to 15 minutes long.

Yeah. And then he'd bring the middle act on and it was on the weekends of hot water. People would just like really struggle to follow him doing this routine. And I was at a similar level to people who were doing those middle spots, but because it was hot water,

I was always opening or closing. And then you'd hear little bitchyy, like bits of the circuit going, fucking hell, do in the middle of hot water on a Friday or a Saturday is like really hard because you've got to follow Paul Smith doing his gym routine. And it was just like,

yeah, but just fucking ride the wave, like go on and fucking follow it. Like, and if you can't, then you're not ready anyway, so. And also Paul doesn't scupper the route. He's been doing it for what 10 years he knows how to get them rolling he's not a selfish compare he's not doing it to scupper anything he's not doing no just to be clear though this was 10 15 years ago 10 years ago yeah

it was a very peter k used to compare the frog we are talking back in the d's here this is before i ever gigged he'd already gone from the circuit and he used to compare in a way that was like, he'd be doing 35. Would you gig with him? No, he'd gone. He was already so well known. So when did Top of the Tower come out?

99? I reckon he was probably gone from the circuit. 98, 99. Didn't he write in his autobiography that he's never bombed or something? Am I getting that wrong? I wouldn't be surprised. I don't see. like his first gig was so you think you're funny right he won so you think you're funny just and those he was young and he like there was a time when johnny vegas peter k the frog was just chris addison like their bills on

a weekend they've still got them and then some names that we know like young alex boardman and whatnot but he used to do 35 40 and then bring an act on and found a um a lion suit and came on in a lion suit yeah and started smoking he just did the pissed off lion but he'd do it for like 25 30 and then bring on a nervous and then you're over micah so don't get me wrong it's fucking magic and apparently the frog you couldn't get a ticket for love the money it was like standing room only because they just had a golden generation by the time i got there i got stage time real quick because it wasn't the golden generation it all moved on and got tv and stuff but it is like that apparently that was brutal to follow. Because going-

But he made it hard on purpose, didn't he? Yeah. Apparently. Allegedly. Apparently. Like you hear some weird stories about P.E.K. that might not be true. It's like, who knows?

But I've heard a lot of them about rapping the mic round the mic stand. Really? Which is, if you ever go to a band like venue and they've got comedy on that's what they think they you want they're like oh bands are used to this so they wrap it around and it's such a fucking pain for a comic that's quite funny apparently again this might just be someone conting him off who didn't like him but yeah a a comic went up to the owner of the frog and went you can't have him compare he's too good yeah and the owner of the frog and went, you can't have him compare.

He's too good. And the owner of the frog, Dave, just went, fuck off and never booked him again. Because if it's just that he's too good, then you need to be better. Like if you're doing way too long and you're making it difficult on purpose, that's a different thing. But what anyone bitching about Paul doing,

which is exactly how much time you're meant to do in the middle section, especially when people are coming to see Paul, just match it and rip it yeah for sure uh you're doing loads of other stuff as well as you stand upon you for sure i mean we're all massive uh fin cells we're all big finn taylor fans and you're you're definitely have a word and film as the internet i think there's a lot of crossover i think the kind of fans of these two shows it's it's the it's one of the very best things on the internet and you help produce and write that yeah it's basically it was just me finn and vittorio certainly for the first two series which is weird having no one to say no like i'm i'm suggesting jokes to finn and i'm

begging him not to do them it's really i for people before and I'll suggest a crazy joke and they'll go, I can't do it. You suggest a crazy joke to Finn, he'll take it. And I'll be like, no, no, no, no. Seriously, this will come back and haunt me. But he never gets in trouble. It's quite amazing how Finn just can... Because some people, it's like Jess on it.

Yeah. He's like, yeah, this is what I do. Why are you watching that? Yeah, that's true. It's just, yeah. And he's very, very good at it. He's also very good at it, yeah, this is what I do. Why are you watching that? Yeah, that's true. It's just, yeah. And he's very, very good at it. He's also very good at it, which I think people don't really-

It's kind of undeniably quite funny, I think, a lot of it. Yeah. And if you don't like it, that's the thing with people who don't like the show, I completely respect it. It's just a very, it's like a taste thing. It's like liking spicy food, you know? Finn versus the internet.

This is, there's many compliments you can give it, but we started doing this and filming it and putting clips out i think we were pretty much the first podcast in the uk to go we'll do an american style one and definitely instead of it just being audio we'll make a little studio and obviously that was my spare room and then it was run corn it was here and it's been it's been it's been the inspiration for a lot of other podcasts you've got 25 people working but there's a lot of other podcasts now that look like this and when people do what uh josh pew or alistair green do i've seen a load of other comic i haven't seen anyone even attempt to plagiarize or rip off finn versus the internet it's almost like they've gone oh that's good isn't it i

wouldn't even know how to start i wouldn't know how to start to be fair i write on the show and i wouldn't know how to start like i don't know anyone i would not be able to do what finn does i just don't his balls of steel to do that sort of stuff but we get we get called out for like ripping off like 10 different shows in the comments because people don't realize it's basically a genre which is like those sort of interviews i've seen people saying it's like between two fans with zach. Eric Andre show, Caleb Presley, Norm MacDonald. Like they accuse us of everything, but it's just a genre

that hasn't really been done in the UK properly yet. Go and watch it. Let's have a break. Interval. Hello, everyone. Come on. I'm not doing it anymore.

I know. I'm not a fucking dancing monkey for you, mate. Part four of four, ladies and gentlemen. A correspondence. Horatio. Yes, mate. We let the people do the work for us.

La correspondence. We've got some confessions to start us off. Whoa. Oh, shit. Where are we in? Fuck him out. It's the radio, isn't it? I'm not Oh, shit. What are they in? Fuck them out. It's the radio, isn't it? I'm not giving a shit.

I'm straight in. Raw dog on us with the confession speech. Whoa. Oh. Not too much. Why isn't there dogs or johnnies? Someone definitely makes them. Dog johnnies?

Yeah. I'd be amazed if it's not a thing. Surely not. What are you talking about? Just feels like something that someone would have created for like in Japan or something. Yeah. You put a condom on a dog, you need to go to prison.

One minute, I'm Googling it. Oh. There is dog condoms. Male wraps. That was the... Disposable male wraps. Who's putting them on? Who's putting them on and when?

It's for incontinent dogs. Yeah, then... No, there is actually. Animal Instinct's pet condoms. Put them... What are you talking about? That is a trap. When you buy them, they get you the dress,

they go on a rest jet, easy. If you don't want your dog to breed... Then you get his balls cut off. Do you get it neutered? That does seem extreme. You don't teach him about the fucking... That is extreme, innit? The birds and the bees do.

Yeah, come here, son. Put this on your cock. Now go and fuck whoever you like. Teach him to pull up. Does it seem extreme. You don't teach them about the fucking... That is extreme, innit? The birds and the bees do. Yeah, come here, son. Put this on your cock. Now go and fuck whoever you like. Teach them to pull up. Does it seem extreme? I know... I've never owned a dog. And they're beautiful creatures.

But to take something's balls... I know it's a necessity. It just feels rough, doesn't it? They can't be trusted with their balls. They can't use them responsibly. So you've got to take them away. Is it not chemical castration? It isn't physical, is it?

Don't they just make it so they can't no they cut the balls off do they actually lose the testic? I always thought it was like neutering as in like to are you all thinking of rapists? yeah do rapists get neutered?

what? do rapists get neutered? rapists get chemically castrated don't they? they used to but then you're always thinking when you're thinking dogs you're thinking rapists. Yeah.

Because you're a rapist person. Dog condoms are. He's always walking. Yeah, like, that was... For people who were convicted of rape, they would, like, chemically castrate them so they didn't have the edge

to fuck anymore. I see. They used to physically castrate them, but that wasn't helping because you were still getting the edge, but you didn't have a dick. They're like a dog with no dick. Confessions.

Just start the jingle again shall we anyway uh this first one's from joe johnson confession all right lids please keep this anonymous i've been a home worker since covid and it's all been bliss until recently when my girlfriend has been expecting me to do jobs around the house during my working hours nope i don't mind the odd thing but our time at work is monitored and it gets me in shit sometimes yeah uh recently i decided to hire a tiny office space about six miles away from home and right near my gym six miles away tiny and right near my gym and go there to work i've told her we've been called back to the office and have my usual rant about how annoying it is when really it's just to get out of housework during the day it's quiet peaceful and i've even got a little blow-up couch for my break times do i deserve penance or have i smashed

it cheers absolutely smashed it she sounds like a fucking nightmare yeah i agree i have the same sort of thing i because i work from home and my girlfriend refuses to treat what i do as a real job sometimes do you ever feel that because i'm writing cock jokes so then it's like were you happy with this and i'm like i kind of would like to be if i had a real job you wouldn't be asking me this i'm halfway through a cock job exactly i'm literally halfway as i'm an artist at work can you please give me some respect casso would not be treated like this so i completely agree your girlfriend's quite creative as well she is she should be that means she's not that busy do Do you know what I mean?

That's what I'd say. She's got, yeah, too creative, to be honest. I'd love her to have a real job. That'd be nice. One of us. Yeah. I could work on homilidons. This is going to go very wrong.

Why is it going to go wrong? It's brilliant. And there is no, I don't, I'm not putting any penance on this. For me, no penance. Creative. It's good. It's going to end up with something's going wrong.

I love it. I think it's very well done. But it will cause a load of shit eventually when she bumps into someone who works for you or works with you or something. It's going to fall around your fucking head. But enjoy the time you've got. But surely if she's reasonable, she will understand.

When that happens, she will understand that this is all her fault. She doesn't sound reasonable though, to be fair. Well, if she's not reasonable, then you're not going to be asked when she breaks up with you. If she kicks off about it and she's like, well, you did this because you didn't want to clean the toilet. And you're like, yeah, I did, yeah.

She's the reason he's there. He doesn't want to be there. He wants to be at home. But he's had to did this because you didn't want to clean the toilet? And you're like, yeah, I did, yeah. She's the reason he's there. He doesn't want to be there. He wants to be at home. Yeah. But he's had to do this because she wouldn't shut up. She's the problem. Dump her. No, don't dump her.

Wait till she dumps you. Just ride it out. Yeah, yeah. And when she finds out, you just go, yeah, your fault. Anyway. And if she's doing you any good enough, just get another wife six miles away. Just start another family.

Duck in. Where are you? You're never here. You've got two. Well better. And then when she, yeah, just keep going. It's a nightmare where she goes, hey, I need you back at home. I'm fucking 18 miles away.

I'm two families away. Right. Next one. This from Steve. I ripped a mean fart in the restaurant queue of a very busy Ikea. I turned and looked to see who was behind me. It was a baby on a pram.

That's bad enough, but the smell was so bad, and the fact I looked at the baby made its parents think it had shit itself. This started a fight between the couple over who was going to change the baby. It went on for a minute or two before they both left the queue in a huff.

Day ruined. Is my arse absolved or do I need a spot of Jermaine? You didn't tell them. What's a spot of Jermaine? Penance. Oh, I see. Nice. Very good.

Yeah, come on. Catch up, Penance. Sorry, mate. I'm sorry. He didn't say, oh, your baby's pooed. Imagine if you did. Your baby stinks. So I don't think he's done anything wrong.

Or just spoke to the baby. You dirty little bastard. He's just farted on a kid's head. Like, that's not a crime. I don't think it is illegal to fart on a kid's head, no. I think it is. I think it's about distance. Either you get close enough,

I think someone's going to have legal complaints. Is that against the law? They've assumed that their baby has shit its pants. You can't fart as an attack, I don't think. If that's like your move to attack a baby. No, but if a kid's walking past and I say, you go get on that kid. But that's like manslaughter. It's like accidental manslaughter.

It's involuntary. So I feel that would be a different fart. Tell that to the Pokemon Weezing. Yeah. Come on. I'm coughing. One of his best attacks was a little fast, really. Oh, wasing. Yeah. Come on. I'm coughing. What?

One of his best attacks was a little fast, really. Oh, was it? Is that two points? Smog. Smokescreen. Smokescreen, yeah. I think you might have a problem with the authorities if you fart too close to a baby's head. Play it out.

No, but think about it in court. It would only come bad if it looked like you had purposely tried to fart on the baby's head, I feel. Yeah. If the baby's coming into your fart stream, then I think it's on the baby. The statement- I think as long as he's got his eyes on the meatballs,

then he can fart whenever he likes. Yeah, but just for anyone, it is when we were like, it's not illegal to fart on a baby's head, I reckon you could make it so... How? What have you done? Oh, no, it is illegal because that's implying you're sitting on the baby's head, right?

No, you can't get on that. No touching. No touching. Yeah. And no reversing towards the child. Ah, okay, that's... Can't be like, can I hit you? I don't think there's anything wrong with fart on kids' heads.

Don't put that in the trailer. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. If the kid's just near your ass and you let a little one out, sometimes, by the way, sometimes you can't control a fart, sometimes it just comes out. Also, the kid will have no, it won't affect the baby at all, because it's a child. I don't know if that affects their learning.

Will that traumatise them for later life? Does that, I don't know, I think a fart, you know, if you've got a fart on a head. I'm not doing my own work, I don't know if that affects their learning. Will that traumatise them for later life? Does that... I think a fart... You know, if you've got a fart on your head... I'm not doing my own way. I can't breathe. If Adam farted near a kid's head, they might not make it to university. Oh, really?

That's the level of fart we're dealing with. It's like growing up in the industry. I had to use the bathroom yesterday after he'd recently used it. After Jack Finnegan had had to get dressed in it. Oh, my God. Wow. That could honestly take some years off your education if adam farted on a baby they'd be speaking on diary of the ceo years later

about how it traumatized them about adam rose farted on my face because of the water flint flint michigan flint michigan yeah adam could cause some lead poisoning in kids if you can't fart on them. It's genuinely not even about- It's like a biological crime. It's biological warfare. The parents need to go up as well and go, hang on, the smell's gone.

That man's farted. The kid hasn't shit itself. Let's get our fucking meatballs. He didn't do anything. He just farted and there was a kid nearby and they all went, oh, the baby's pooed. You're going to have to do it. No, you're going to have to do it.

And then they've got off and fucking gone to have a look for a poop together as a couple. Well, there's clearly issues already in the relationship. I don't think he should be feeling any. You lads, you're fine. They sound bad. Yeah, they're already on edge. The baby's shit.

You change it. No, you change it. Like, we're both fucking off and leaving it here when we speak to each other again we'll make a new one what do you do if you don't and laura shit herself if laura shit herself i just get the baby to change it really i pretend not to smell it go about my business and laura goes oh he's pooed i'm like well it is really a case of whoever smelled it deals with it and i'm listen i'm not even joking it's very irresponsible to smell the poo and then go oh he's he's pooed and it's on you in it so just pretend that you're busy

how long would you leave it if laura didn't pick up the fact uh well there is a point where it is gonna it's It makes them... If she starts doing that as well. Yeah, if Laura's just like... Mexican standoff. Yeah. After two months, social services will get involved. At what point will you just go,

I'm going to change Jack, and have Laura just go, about time, it's been six hours. Yeah. It's bad. It gives them a sore Fucking How many times Have you cleaned this bum

I mean Are you a nappy changer Or do you have one Yeah of course yeah Yeah you just have to be I'm never I'm never getting involved With that man

You're not gonna change The nappies Not my job No No Is it green Is it green Yeah

He's nearly three No but baby poo's green innit Oh baby poo Baby poo's all over the shop They don't know how to poo. The first poo is like dark matter. It's like something Nibbler would do. It's unbelievable.

Their first ever shit. Dark matter. So it's sort of like a bend space and time sort of. Yeah. Babies don't shit in the womb. Ow. Right? They know once they're out,

they get a bit of fresh air, leave it in 12 hours. What, they've been holding it in for nine months? They hold it in, and there is, I can't remember what it's called, there is like a block up there, back passage.

A plug. Yeah. It's a kinky baby. Yeah. They have to pass that, and that's the first poo. And it's called something, and I can't remember what it's called.

Meconium. It's meconium, and it is dark, black, weird stuff. Yeah. And it's the first shit. It's like, it's meconium and it is dark black weird stuff and it's the first shit it's like it's the seal broken I thought that's what the umbilical cord was for

I thought the baby pooed into the man yeah so once that's snipped off they have a block in the bottle the butt plugs in there

I witnessed my children's first shit that's what happened to the girl you know she just didn't have that first poo no the girl I know. She just didn't have that first poo.

No, the girl I know was born with no arsehole. She just needs to do her first poo. She hasn't done it yet. Dan, while we're on this topic, I've always wondered this. So umbilical cord, some geezer ties it up, right? Why does it never come undone?

Am I thick? Because he's been in the scouts. He's been in the scouts. It must be a really, like that is the best not ever. But think about how many of you have been born. Nearly everyone has like a half decent belly button. Surely there's like some loose ones. Is there not somewhere that just is just flapping about?

Are you an innie or an auntie? I am, I'm an innie. For a long time, it's just got a little clip on it. For the first few weeks of a baby's life it's just like a little you can't unpick it can you don't put a pen the umbilical cord dies undo it on the clip and then it just falls up yeah i never thought about it is it just it just sets it just goes it just goes like a like a strong hand are we all are we all in easier but what not do they i wonder what type of knot. Like, is it a Windsor knot?

Every surgeon's been to Cubs and done the full... Yeah. Yeah, it's a good scout. Yeah. Yeah, it's a good question. It's not like a... There's not like a... It just happens naturally, doesn't it?

You can't undo it now. Also, you can't have a beer belly and have an outie. That's just another cock. The use of also, I like that. Oh my God. My father-in-law had one of the most amazing outies. Really? Colossal.

You know, the dude was in his 60s. And it was out. Are you sure it wasn't his cock? That went out. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I shouldn't have sucked it. Do you want any blue fluff right now? I've just got some out.

I've just de-blue fluffed That's on the French didn't it I've got an innie outie It's always blue That is one of the gods biggest marvels That's an existential question Every belly button fluff is blue And you say there's no creator No matter what colour you wear your belly button fluff is blue

Have you got an innie? That's true. Have you got an innie? I've got an innie outie, so it goes in and then it comes out again. Who are you? What is it? That's an innie outie.

Do you want to check that out? Pull some fluff out, see if it's blue. There's no fluff in there. What? Sorry, now I feel like a freak because I don't have fluff in my belly button. That means you're gay.

Yeah, it does, sadly. Does? No, famously. He's got no fluff in his belly button. That means you're gay. Yeah, it does, sadly. Does? No, famously. He's got no fluff on his belly button, do you know what I mean? What was the poo in a Nike, yeah? Oh, tell your baby to shut up. Something like that.

Yeah, also just change your baby's arc. It's your job. Change his ass? Get a new ass? Take him to Turkey. If you say, if you've got a baby, if you've got a baby, you go, change his ass. All right, we're on a plane. Change. Take him to Turkey. If you say, if you've got a baby, if you've got a baby and you go,

change his arse, all right, we're on a plane. Baby's new arse. Baby's got a bum. Give an absolute dump truck. Tell you what, Dan.

Baby's got a new arse. Break the internet. Oh, no. Your baby's bunda really doesn't suit him. What the hell is your billy being a turkey? Yeah, a turkey bum.

Turkey arse. Turkey bum. Do you know when you love your kid, but you're like, he's just not got enough fucking batty? Imagine not liking changing nappies that much. You get your kid a new ass. It's not clean, is it?

Give him a new one. That's what I'd do. It's like you with your underwear and your pleats. Heartbroken when it shits again. You've got a million pairs of underwear. Yeah. And I'm just pooing them. I'm just pooing them.

million pairs of underwear. Yeah. I don't just poo in them and throw them away. The fucking room is getting spread about me, by the way. I'm a model citizen. You buy plates

and you don't want to wash them? Not anymore. Okay, you used to. I did do that once. No. It was once. Didn't you burn it all in the bottom of one of the mugs

because it's left there for months? A pan. Do you remember in Roncorn there's a pair of under it all in the bottom of one of the months because you just left it there for months? A pan. Do you remember in Roncorn, there's a pair of underpants just in the studio and you were like, they're just my emergency pair of underpants just in case. You brought them to a lock-in?

They were there for ages. They were in Roncorn for ages. Oh yeah, no, I brought them as a joke to one of the lock-ins and I was like, I've got these in case I need them. But they never left, so they were always there break glass in case of nasty fart listen

change your fucking kids bum bum that's not who wrote in the person who wrote in farted on a kid's head he hasn't even got a kid no I'm not even asking whatever you do

don't go down wiping a baby's ass the fart is fine the fart is fine the parents sound like rats yeah they need to get off. Should we have a word to round us off?

Ooh, yes. Yo, G. It's time to have a word with Adam and Dan. Tell us all the problems you can have with your friends. This was going to be the whole podcast. That was just the final 10% someone emailed in and went can we please get a way of Adam hearing the music

because it looks so sad when he's when he can't hear it I just have a little moment to myself I like it I just got a little break we're getting monitor this one's from Connor Reeves lads have a word with my mate Luke we went to Subway for the first time and I discovered that he eats his sandwich lengthways.

He says it does it the same with sausage rolls. Have a word. Cheers Reevesy. What do you mean? What do you mean? From the side. And he goes like, he stretches his mouth out and tries to. It's like Scooby Doo.

Oh my God, should we laugh? Yeah. Like sweet corn. Did he specify what type of, like a triangle sandwich or like a baguette? Like a sub-crust. Subway, yeah. Do you know what I'm having a way with him for?

Cause he's like car with his bounties. He's just, he wants this. He wants people talking about him. He's attention seeker. He's just, I ate a bounty. He's attention seeker. I ate a bounty. It's attention seeking.

And that's what you were doing earlier. Look at me with me bounty. Could have had any chocolate bar you liked. No, that's all we've got. It was just, I had a bounty ratio. He is literally trying to get people going, why are you eating that like that? That's all he's doing.

He's a fucking gimp. That's weird, that's all. But what, so you just think he's just doing it while he's with his mates. He's not doing it when he's on his own. If he is doing it when he's on his own, he's doing it to get the attention of strangers. Or to practice.

Oh, yeah. Do you know what though? Wouldn't less of the filling get pushed out? You know what I mean? Yeah, but you'd be left with this. Like a sort of string of bread. You'd be left with a spine of bread. With maybe like tiny bits of lettuce in there.

It'd be horrendous. It'd be dangling like that. That's horrendous, yeah. You know how to eat a butty? Just eat it like a fucking of lettuce in there. It'd be horrendous. It'd be dangling like that. That's horrendous. Yeah. You know how to eat a butty? Just eat it like a fucking butty. Yeah. Yeah.

I'd say the advice would be just don't, just act like it's not weird at all. That'll really piss him off. Cause you'll be sat there, everyone's eating a sandwich and he's going like, this is weird and you just ignore it. That will drive him crazy. Yeah.

He's eating it like that. Just do something that's even more attention so he can get like a fucking mullet corner, pour it onto a table, and then just lick it all up. Ow. Just go mad. Or eat the sandwich that way,

but turn it round, so you're going through the sandwich like that. Good idea, John. Is there anything you use differently that you think you do a bit weird? I lick a kind of bueno out. Yeah. I deep throat crumpet.

Roll them. Just gag on. No. I bite the bottom off the bueno and then lick the center out when they need to. I do have a Twix. I'll eat the biscuit first and then the caramel second. I mean, do you know the maddest thing about what you've just said

is the way around in which you separate them? Why? I eat the caramel first and then the biscuit. You don't eat the biscuit and then the caramel. The caramel hasn't got enough... Like, it hasn't got any integrity. It does. It lies a lot.

It hasn't got as much integrity as the biscuit. I'll show you. It's fine. As long as it's not like... You end up with a floppy chocolate-covered caramel. But they're actually surprisingly, like, stable. You could hold it and wobble it and it'd be fine. No, just do it the other way around for me. Okay, for you. Next time I'm and wobble it, and it'd be fine.

No, just do it the other way around for me. Okay, for you. Next time I'm eating a Twix, I'll think about it. My gran used to cut my toast into soldiers, and it made it taste better. And I know it didn't, but I just liked it. But as a grown man, if you were like... My mum used to smash my spaghetti by the nasal.

Was it punishment, or...? You haven't done your own work not on your feet fuck off she would get me so she'd make everyone spaghetti

bolognese and she'd plate it like normal you know beef and sauce in the middle spaghetti on the outside and then she'd just

like mix it all up and oh yeah like cut it all up that's lovely yeah yeah that's mum shit

the first time I ever had it in a restaurant I looked at the waiter like what the fuck is this come on lads do your thing smash this up

does the chef not fucking like me you're not saying I'm being a very good boy this week I can't think of anything I eat weird I eat crisp dead loud because it tastes better

yeah I'm pretty normal with food as well so it's difficult for me what do you mean you eat crisps like i don't like people who put a crisp enough and then close their mouth i'm like i don't want no one to eat them crisps quietly no i eat them like pop a mouth open and like go for it you're so polite yeah my ass my house you do anything weird oh you're in yours yeah i'm like in the on the. Do you do anything weird like this, Horatio? I eat apple cores.

I don't know if that's. Why? Oh my God. Just the cores? I hate apple cores, so just get it done. And then I'm left with that. I just, yeah, I go straight through it. Get it done.

I don't believe you. Including the. All the thing, it's fine. And the stem? No, not the stem. I'll leave the stem. Don't you get apple tea in your belly? Yeah, and it was a real problem, actually.

So I've got an orchard in there and it's actually becoming a real issue. That's why I got it when I was a kid. Yeah. Now you can eat all of that, but nothing more than that. It's just another one of those things you've just found out is bollocks.

Chewing gum doesn't get wrapped around your ass either. Yeah. You're an underlying bitch. Oh, I still... Every time I've got chewing gum, I'm like, you don't swallow it because you'll die instantly. Hang on. Why don't you swallow it? What do you mean? Oh, you still, every time I've got chewing gum, I'm like, you don't swallow it because you'll die instantly. Hang on.

Why don't you swallow it? What do you mean? Oh, you don't. But why were they lying to us? Because it finds it very difficult to go down your throat, especially as a child, so you could choke on it. And if it goes into your stomach, it doesn't really digest properly

and you just poo out chewing gum. And you'd be like, man, why have I pooed out chewies? But if it was the murderer that we got, like, people told kids, like, if you swallow it, you will die pretty much.

It wouldn't be available in every shop to all children, would it? Don't swallow this thing, you chew or you'll die. For the God's sake, if you swallow that,

I mean, chew all of it, 12 a day if you want, if you swallow it, you're dead. Like a Hubba Bubba's so flavourful. No, for about a minute and then it's the least flavourful thing in the world. Do you spit it out?

Do you swallow a Hubba Bubba? I used to, I don't have them because I'm a 31-year-old man. Fair enough. Hang on, it's the same theory. Bubblegum and chewing gum's the same, isn't it? Yeah, but I mean, like a Wrigley's isn't flavourful. You don't want to taste it, you don't want to eat it, do you? Hang on, so you never swallow chewing gum,

but you swallow in all the Hubba Bubba? No, I don't have them anymore when I was a kid. Wow, I never just, if I could, yeah, never mess with either. Hubba Bubba cola flavour. Oh, for 40 seconds, top tier. But then it has to be a bit... After that, shite. It's a lot of chewy though, isn't it?

It's big. Yeah. Big for your mouth. Was it made out of whales? I think so, yeah. It's not vegan, is it? Chewies aren't vegan. It's made out of whales? I think so, yeah. It's not vegan, is it? Chewy's aren't vegan. It's made out of whales' arseholes.

Nice, that's why it tasted good. Like Finn. I don't know. It doesn't say. Right, should we do... Google it. I did Google it. I Googled Chewy's vegan.

Vegan. It's not vegan. Check it out. Fucking Finn, just check the time. I's not vegan. Check it out. Fucking Finn, just check the time. I don't know. It's not coming up. It's not. Right, we've got another have a word.

Lids, I need you to have a word with my brother, also a listener and a Patreon. My brother is getting married next year, and I'm very happy for him. But as his only brother, I feel I should be in pole position for best man. However, he has chosen our little sister to take that role.

And to be honest, it's really pissed me off. Everyone I have mentioned it to has said it's out of order, including both of our parents. However, it's his wedding. Am I out of order to feel like I don't want to attend or am I overthinking it? How old is she?

Is she like eight? That's such a fuck you. Be a belt of stag. Don't want to go to or am I overthinking it? How old is she? Is she like eight? That's such a fuck you. Be a belt of stag, don't want to go the wacky way. I was for seven days. Wow. You know what? I never knew playing with Barbies on a hangover would work,

but it does, doesn't it? Get in the house. Is he doing it to piss him off though? Cause that is hilarious. If he knew he was just trying to wind them up. That's entirely possible, but I also think they sound like a pair of gimps who the him first of all the lad who's getting married has got no friends his options are his little sister and his brother and he's chose his

little sister which is weird altogether and who gives a fuck about stuff like this oh oh lad weddings and families i've only touched my toe in it and I'm feeling it come on if he's getting married and if he went lad obviously you're gonna be there and everything but I don't want you to be best man I've got an option

you would be a bit gutted wouldn't you because it's you know what I mean it's his brother though it's not like it normally goes to a friend unless you're like

ridiculously close and I'm telling you right now they're not there's a lot of brother stag do's though yeah sorry best man. I wasn't my brother stag.

I can see where the politics comes. Yeah. My brother would be a night guest. If that. No. No, there you go. He'll be a groomsman. What?

I don't know whether he will. He will. He fucking will. Of course he will. Jack, you can be my plus one. He will. When fucking will. Of course he will. Jack, you can be my plus one. He will. When you get there. He'd fucking turn up about four hours late.

Sorry, I was walking the dog. Yeah, he would. Yeah, but there's so many family politics and weddings. I'm not really having a wedding. I'm having two, but I'm not having a real one. Explain. When are you getting married? Next April. Dan's our officiant. Oh. When are you getting married? Next April.

Dan's our officiant. Oh, amazing. The celebrant. I'm a Catholic priest. Nice. We'll just practice him. But I'm having a home wedding for the people who can't go

to the Venice one. But there's so many politics in weddings. It's so fucking boring. I don't care about weddings and I wish people didn't care as much as I don't care. So you don't care when I don't invite them. But you do because people care about weddings. But even. I don't care about weddings and I wish people didn't care as much as I don't care. So you don't care when I don't invite them.

But you do, because people care about weddings. But even if you don't care, you're marrying someone who does and therefore you care. Does she not care? That's usually the problem. Is it for the parents then? The Venice one is for us to have a nice time

with the people we love. The home one is for the family. You can't go. They don't care about them. There is so much fun. But you can't, as a lad, you can't play the role of like, I'm not asked much but you can't we can't as a lad you can't play the role of like i'm not asked you deal with it because that's not the deal your partner if

she's bothered or if they're changing a nappy it's that whole thing again you've got to be involved but i don't know i'll be made to work with my family and that if i ever get married right i'm telling you right now all this politics shit it's just not happening with my wedding. I said the same thing. It's just not happening. What would your wedding be like? On this day, see you's there. You've got this one. Bosh, bash, beep, bop, boo.

See you there. It's not a boogie. Can you come? Can I come? Can they come? Can my brother come? Can this fella come? No.

The gay, by the way. No. Did I specifically ask them to come? Well then, no. Would you ever dress dress-up wedding? Yeah. Yeah. Tennis.

Cowboy themed. Cowboy tennis. Would you have a traditional wedding, do you think? Or do you think you'd just fuck around a bit? I think it would very much depend on the woman I'm marrying. Yeah. Like, I wouldn't be that arsed. Like, whatever she wants.

Just easy. As long as I get to have a big party. Like, it does good Guinness. Yeah. She can't be Muslim. You're going to marry a Guinness. What? You're going to have a big party. And look, like, it does good Guinness. Yeah. So he's, you know, she can't be Muslim. You'll marry a Guinness. What? You'll marry a big classic.

It's a good one, though, actually. It's a 10. Oh, God. Whenever he gets married, we're going to have to, the venue's going to have to have good Guinness. That's what I'm saying. That's all I want. Good Guinness and me mates there.

And a bit of country music on, maybe. Good Guinness. It's a birthday party. Shamima and Edgness. Shamima Bingham. But that's all that's all that's all I want is she home why

she hasn't got her home oh no I know I know I mentioned it but what does Adam want as a wedding

hang on Shamima Begum home talking about someone who loves her God Guinness she's fucking hated Syria

does anyone else fancy Shamima Begum a little bit? Yeah. Good, just checking. It's forbidden, isn't it? But when she came back again with the sideways baseball cap, that's when it was like... Yeah, because when she left, she was 15. Oh, I see.

I hate that. Oh, God. She'd be a great best man though. She would. Fuck yeah. Well her whole shit with the second one because her first interview

she had the burqa on. The second one she was in the refugee camp but then she had like a vest on like a sideways baseball camp. The whole point was like I'm actually kind of fun and I come back in.

So I think Shamim's I'd be like drink Guinness like be like a lad. That's how you're getting back in. You know I think that's the that's what she's got to do tactically.'s how you're getting back in. You know, I think that's the, that's what she's got to do tactically. All she needs to get back in the country

is a Chelsea season to her. Definitely. Shave her head, you know. Chelsea. Yeah. Chelsea. Not doing very well in the league.

That's all I think about. Yeah. My brother's really pissed me off. You know, his wedding's coming up and he's, he's chosen Shamima Begum to be his best man.'m fucked off really my sister's fuming i don't know yeah yeah like i think when it comes to weddings do you think you'll ever get married would you be

bothered have you got any i think i think my girlfriend would like it uh my sister's getting married this year and it's a big deal for her she's making this whole thing out of it but i'm not losing my year to a wedding so i want it as easily done as possible but yeah i'd like to get married i think yes totally just let the women have it how they want also you don't need it it's not like um it used to mean something like you'd you'd the father would give like three horses to your family and you'd need that to plow the fields and stuff now it doesn't mean anything so why make it stressful you think that's what it meant it used to mean like i need horses i need three horses you need to marry the horse family so we can get horses because we need that's why i married laura we're short famously as long as 30 years ago but times have changed dan it's not the same as it was back in

your day you know it's now like you know yeah it isn't the same not like it's a wedding ring used to be as a dowry wasn't it yeah so now i'm like a ring sorry now i have a harry bow ring yeah you know just fucking the fact that doesn't mean anything it's like edmund fringe that we're talking about it doesn't mean the same thing so enjoy yourself well it doesn't because you you weren't living together or having sex or anything back in the d's the whole like last night of freedom and then the first night you sleep together it's a little shite you've been living together fucking three years together 10 by the time you're married it's it's just a ceremony isn't it that's all it is anymore it's just

change of status it's not the same like before it was you weren't really together you're married now you are properly together everyone's you've been playing married couple for years. We've been together 12 or 13 years. And living together for three. But it is the only time you'll get everyone together. So that's why it's special. It's the only time you're going to get all those people, family, friends under one roof.

But here's the problem with that. Just personally, like I love a wedding. They're all good fun. But it's mixing every family and friend group all at once and then the seating arrangement it is a bit knackered yeah you know when you've got you're out with your mates i love going out with this lot i would much rather it always just be this lot for your wedding soon as no no i mean just on the night out i'm just talking in nights out yeah mixing friend groups causes whoever is at the

fucking center of that mix a little bit of stress maybe it doesn't maybe it's great but the more you bring in the more potential you've got like a clash of personalities or whatever the wedding does feel like fuck me there's everyone i've ever liked or known or family and everything but do you ever have a thrill of two people you've brought together have any that's probably great beautiful moment on the dance floor where you're like, oh, there's a fucking circuit comedian dancing with, like, fucking Laura's sister or something. Yeah, a house party.

Yeah. I love that. But that doesn't always happen, does it? No. Have you really dug your heels in in this wedding? Where you're like, I want it like this! No. I mean, the way the wedding is yeah

I was never having a big church wedding I was never having everyone's having soup that costs 40 grand like oh there's an auntie you've never met

hello can I have the soup that you've paid for now fuck off that was the only thing that I wanted I want the people who will love

that's it I don't want people who don't know and that's so common at weddings innit yeah but no we both want the same thing luckily with everything so we're very lucky who will love that's it i don't want people i don't know and that's so common at weddings in it yeah yeah um but no we both want the same thing luckily with everything so we're very where's the home one it's just going to be in town it's going to be like the town hall or saint george's hall

and then we're going to have a meal with everybody right the home one is literally just uh on big bowl i'd love to go to big ball why not you can that doesn't like Chinese food. No, she's not. God said food. I could have stopped as well. Venice is a celebration of everybody who we love. How many people are you bringing to Venice? Four. 50. Like 50 of us, I think.

That's going to be amazing. It's just going to be everybody for three days in Venice, having a lovely time, and in the middle of it, we get married and he's doing it. It's going to be so perfect. It's not going to be, oh, get up at eight in the morning, get, we get married and he's doing it. It's going to be so perfect. It's not going to be,

oh, get up at eight in the morning, get your makeup done. You don't see no one. Spend 40 grand on one day. Oh, the shite. Yeah. And it'd be great to be a minister for me. Obviously I've been gigging a lot,

but you know, and I am going evangelical black minister. I'd say so. I think it just suits me. Oh, no. I'm gathered here today. People passing out in the front row. Come on!

Feel the force of Jesus! I'm going to get Finn like... Like he's been touched by the power. Yeah, it's going to be... Phil Taylor? Yeah. I'm getting Phil Taylor. I only ever black out with Phil Taylor. Please bring Phil Taylor.

How good would that be? That's a podcast. Horatio, tell everyone where they can find you, please, lad. Horatio, good comedy. I'm doing my tour starts in Manchester, Liverpool, 22nd of Feb, 23rd of Feb at Hot Water Comedy Club, 23rd of Feb, Liverpool. I'd love to see you there.

Filmverse the internet is on YouTube. All my tour dates are in my bio on Instagram. Thank you very much. And Horatio is a great follow on TikTok and Instagram. You've got loads of great stuff. Cheers. Thank you very much. Thanks for having me, boys.

I'm on tour, adamrodocco.uk, forward slash tour. Loads of dates still to come. Dan is doing loads of Dan Nightingale and Fiends, which is so close to the word friends that people think he's misspelt his own poster. That's at dannightingale.com. Good comment. And Finn.

That's true. Go on, then. We've got a song this week. It's a Patreons band. This is, the band's called Pluto the Rich, and it's their new tune called Battle Arts. Enjoy. Bye. The sky's not dry, beyond the guise of the night time What do you know? Who are you?

What's your real name? What are you up to? No number, no name Such a shame My face, no gay You say you're stuck in my brain like Who's there? Who's there?

Who's there? Who's there? She got the body of some The job's out of her battle axe Look at her A no-show The queen's in me It's cause she's just got to let go We'll be right back. Who's that? Who's that? Who's that? She got the body herself But the job's out of a bottleneck I can't We're like in lips She got my H and the E and the A and the R The kid that make her got me in and out of the bar

Here I am singing along The one who charms I don't get yourself Boy, she was always a charmer Who's that? Who's that? Who's that? Who's that? She got the body of something

She's outside of the bed We'll see you next time. you you