Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #264 with Hatty Preston & Freddy Quinne - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan
Episode Date: February 19, 2024Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan Nightingale & Fiends Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | h...ttps://adamrowe.co.ukComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsCheck out Finn's music: https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20Supreme CBD | https://supremecbd.ukStress less and sleep better with Supreme CBD using code WORD40 at checkout to get 40% off sitewideFüm | https://tryfum.co.ukHead to tryfum.com/HAVEAWORD and use code HAVEAWORD to save an additional 10% off your order today.BetterHelp | https://betterhelp.com/word10Get 10% off your first month!NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Become one of the lids:https://patreon.com/haveawordpodTickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comFind us everywhere:https://haveaword.pageDiscord:https://discord.gg/haveawordpodFollow the podcast, our hosts and our guest on social media:Have A Wordhttps://facebook.com/haveawordpodhttps://twitter.com/haveawordpodhttps://instagram.com/haveawordpodAdam Rowehttps://facebook.com/adamrowecomedianhttps://twitter.com/adamrowecomedyhttps://instagram.com/adamrowecomedianDan Nightingalehttps://facebook.com/danhasapodcasthttps://twitter.com/danhasapodcasthttps://instagram.com/danhasapodcastFreddy Quinnehttps://twitter.com/freddyquinnehttps://instagram.com/freddyquinneHatty Prestonhttps://instagram.com/prattyhestonADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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Now then, ladies and gents, welcome to the Have A Word podcast.
Hope you enjoyed today's episode.
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I do not have a new special yet because I am still on tour
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country there's 33 dates including some big ones that we're going back to for the second time like
leeds and places we haven't been yet like blackpool and cardiff still got three dates in
liverpool to do i'm going all over the place adam road.co.uk forward slash tour all the data there
33 still to come they're starting to sell out and I'm dead excited to get back on the road because I've been bored
for a month since the last one.
It's an incredible show. Go and see it.
I'm going to do some comparing this
year. 2024 is me going to be
hosting and comparing. Come and see me
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Go Ed, get on me.
Welcome to this week's episode of Have A Word, ladies and gentlemen.
Dan is facing yet more allegations, so we're here with Freddie Quinn,
because if you're going to get one alleged sex pest out the room, you might as well get another one in.
Yeah! What is Freddie quinn gonna say this time
that's gonna ruin his career is he gonna make fun of trans people or have a go about being queer
okay freddie what is he gonna say a racial slur or poke fun at minorities well i don't know what
we're gonna do this time,
so I guess we'll have to wait and see.
He definitely pre-prepared that.
So blacks.
No.
My favourite coach shop.
It's Valentine's Day, don't you think?
What do you think the trans are doing today on Valentine's Day?
I think that they are loving whoever they want to love
because I don't care.
Joe, I thought last night,
Joe, how does gender roles work in a gay relationship
when it comes to like the old, like, I'm paying the bill.
Whoever does the bumming, pays.
Is that like a, oh, you can bum me, you pay.
I get bummed so I shouldn't have to pay.
I just assume.
Postman pays, letterbox leaves.
Yeah.
Really, yeah?
Yeah.
Because the postman's always
giving any here's my money here's your letters oh so what happens if it's a first date and he goes
i'll pay and they go get in and then the other one goes no i'll pay and then they just have a
sore face welcome to have a word i was watching something last night and it was a gay it was a
gay date and i was like i wonder how the gender roles were.
I mean,
not gender,
but the men usually pay.
I wonder what happens.
I wonder how they sort that out.
I think they just go Dutch.
Like the genuine answer is
they probably just split the bill.
Yeah,
if it's two men,
then they both split it.
And if it's two women,
neither pay.
They just leave.
It's just,
it's just,
multi-debt bills. One of us is going gonna have to grow a dick at some point because this is getting out of hand
have you dressed like that because it's valentine obviously this doesn't go out on valentine's day
but we're recording on valentine's day so happy valentine's day to all the couples happy
galentine's day to all the single women out there what is that thing yeah i have just been sick in
my mouth the day before Valentine's Day.
It's Galentine's Day.
They all go out and have like bottomless bread.
Oh no, they do it on today now.
I thought it was.
No, they've changed it.
Oh right, okay.
So in the past.
It used to be.
In the past, it used to be the day before Valentine's Day
was Galentine's Day.
But then they got some,
I would say quite fair criticism
where they were like,
hang on, you're hedging your bets there
because you could still have a Valentine as well.
So they were like,
if you're going to do it,
you've got to do it on the day. So is valentine's day or if you're a single
girl galentine's day and it's yet another double standard isn't it because if that was me and you
we're just a couple of incels
it's lavendine's day talking about why women won't fuck us uh we're in japan we did oh
it's a thing they're called uh white's day whoa what's white's day white's day yeah so valentine's
day is for the um is for the girls so that like basically it's not for the man and then a month
later on the 14th of march it's white's day i know it's i know sorry is it
the way around and all the men get the traditional privileges of white people i know sorry the girls
buy for the boys on valentine's day and the boys get bought for but the boys have to spend four
times as much as the girls do what so white people earn four times as much as any other minority
this is gonna be a tough one isn't it this is gonna be a lot minority. Not a minority. This is going to be a tough one, isn't it? This is going to be a long part.
The Japanese are a minority worldwide.
Yeah, I suppose.
Yeah.
So what?
Not in Japan, though.
No, not in Japan.
Quite overwhelming by a majority.
Yeah, I've never been,
but I imagine Japanese people overwhelmingly dominate Japan.
They do.
So they're not a minority.
No, not in Japan.
I think you meant worldwide.
But also, they're a very ambitious country, Freddie,
so they're thinking globally.
They were in the 40s.
They're not ambitious now, are they?
They've got a dying population, Japan.
Because they keep killing themselves.
Higher suicide rates on the planet.
Really?
No homeless people.
That's a misnomer, by the way.
It's not true.
What is?
That Japan's at the highest suicide rate.
It's fucking not.
It is.
I Googled it yesterday. How mad's that? Why did you Google Japan's at the highest suicide rate. It's fucking not. It is. It's not. I Googled it yesterday.
How mad's that?
Why did you Google that yesterday?
I can't remember.
I saw someone doing it.
Didn't we Google it recently?
Because Adam's one eye gives him half suicidal thoughts.
He's not committed to it,
but he thinks about it every once in a while.
So why do I think about kids?
Ah, yeah, there we go.
That's why.
What people will do is girls,
so they'll buy them for their boss.
Who is it?
I've never heard of this country.
Lesotho?
Yeah, it's in Africa, isn't it?
There you go.
Maybe.
I don't know.
I panicked.
I really panicked.
I felt like I knew it was in Africa
then I thought maybe it is.
It's in Southern Africa.
Yeah.
Do you know when they keep killing themselves
because no one knows where they're from?
They keep telling people where they're from
and people are like, where's that?
And they're like, I can't do this anymore.
You can't keep sending screenshots of Apple Maps
to people I'm talking to on the internet.
What'll happen, Fred, is say you're my boss
and I'm your receptionist slash PA or whatever.
And I eat you.
I'll get you something expensive,
but really like small,
like a really expensive pair of cufflinks.
Well, then what I will do
is I will pay you less next year
so you can afford less nice fancy things
to give me.
So then you have learned a lesson.
Yeah, but then you have to spend
four times as much on me.
Oh, so it's all mind games.
Yeah.
So the women,
a woman who will hate a man will go, oh, here's some fucking... I'll get you spend four times as much on me. Oh, so it's all mind games. Yeah, so a woman who will hate a man will go,
oh, here's some fucking...
I'll get you something four times as expensive
that you won't want,
that will cost you more money in the long run.
Happy Valentine's, here's a horse.
That's what Carl said.
What?
I'm sorry, it's him for Christmas.
Carl got me a Japanese toilet seat.
Very Japanese themed.
Carl got me a Japanese toilet seat for Christmas.
Did it kill itself?
Two years ago.
I mean, it would do with my ass on it.
So how much are they meant to be?
I think the one we got was like 800 pounds.
But you got it for a cut price.
You got it for a decent.
I got two for less than 800.
Yeah.
Can we just sort of quickly say,
just on this sort of segue of your toilet
went to kill itself
because of your shirts,
I think recently
that I have developed
a dairy intolerance
and so far
I have done
nothing about it.
You don't do anything about it,
you just live with it.
Yeah,
but I mean,
I just,
I continue to eat dairy
and continue to
immediately shit myself.
Every time I talk about
my IBS on this podcast,
I get someone who messages me going,
lad, does this test you can do online?
And it tells you everything you can't have.
Here's the link.
Order it.
It's 30 quid.
Change me life, lad.
And I'm like, yeah, it made your life worse.
You can't have bread or cheese now.
I can still have bread and cheese because I haven't looked into it.
Just don't look into it.
And you can have whatever you want.
I'm used to shitting like a cat.
So I don't need to change that.
Like I know how it feels.
Every now and then I panic
and I have to go,
like I have to power walk to a toilet.
Very rare I have to sprint.
Very rare.
But occasionally,
you know, it's a bit of cardio.
Do you get that little feeling
in like your,
where I imagine your colon is, where you get like, it's a bit of cardio. Do you get that little feeling in like your, where I imagine your colon is,
where you get like, it's almost like an air raid siren
going off internally, where it goes,
as if to be like.
That is my, like, at rest.
Oh, really?
That's like, that alarm is going.
My stomach is like, you know, like your engine light
that you don't really know what it is.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're just like, nah like i've this has been on for years and i've just never
took it to the garage and i'm not i'm not because it's fine i i occasionally there's blood but it
hasn't pooed blood i get it now where like it just it just i eat and then i eat something like
dairy based and then five minutes later, my colon will go.
And I'll go, I think I'm going to need to shit myself at some point.
I'm going to need to go to the toilet.
I'm not going to need to shit myself.
That's when you know you've lost all hope.
I think I'm going to need to stay here and shit myself.
No movement for me.
And then I go and it's just pure.
It's like a waterfall, like a beautiful waterfall of poo comes out my ass ass I don't know whether you're getting the sense of absolute zero sympathy from me because you're
just describing my life yeah so but it's fine it's like a I always see it as like a detox thing
I'm on a long detox mate yeah yeah and you're looking great for it
I mean now we've segued well away.
You're on a detox.
Yeah.
You're half the man you used to be, Freddy.
I've lost, since post-Legionnaires,
I've lost about two and a half stone.
Do you know what's really mad about that?
It's all from my arse.
I have no arse anymore.
But here's the thing, right?
When I'm in your company,
people keep telling you how much weight you look like you've lost,
and I genuinely can't see it.
Oh, I think you just look the same.
Yeah, well,
that's because you're a cunt.
Why don't you,
for the listeners
who probably won't know what happened,
why don't you tell them?
I got Legionnaire's disease.
Legionnaire's disease
is a wartime disease
that people used to get
for being in British Legion.
When you go to Legion and play bingo,
you get Legionnaires disease.
No, it's not that.
The reason that it's called Legionnaires disease
is because a bunch of,
there was like a Legionnaires concert.
Concert?
Maybe not the right word.
Convention.
Yeah, the Legionnaires.
Got Legionnaires disease.
People see the Legionnaires and I'm fucked.
Don't sound like the Legionnaires.
Don't sound like a band.
They were, it was like a convention or whatever in a hotel
and a bunch of Legionnaires got really ill
because of the water
and then now it's called Legionnaires disease.
Right, so nothing to do with the band.
But I...
Nothing to do with the band.
It's a bacterial pneumonia.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's the Legionella bacteria.
It's stagnant water, basically.
I thought that was just where it came from then for a sec.
I genuinely thought that was like a music thing.
It explained Live Aid, you know? That's where AIDS came from, is it sec i genuinely thought that was like a music thing it explained live aid you know oh yeah that's that's where aids came from is it freddie
mercury's the live a man that was literally like a coincidence that's where they started that was
live aids yeah and then band-aid was like everyone celebrating it though they was putting a plaster
over it yeah someone will someone cut the leg.
That's all it's for.
Can I take this point
to say I fucking hate
that Freddie Mercury film?
You know,
Bohemian Rhapsody?
Yeah, it was shit.
Fucking hate it.
It's full of cliches
and the most cliched bit
is where he goes,
like, he knows he's ill
but no one else does
and he has a moment
where he's recording something
and then he coughs
into a white handkerchief
and he goes,
and he sees blood and they're like, everything all right, Freddie? And he's like moment where he's recording something. And then he coughs into a white handkerchief. He goes, bleh. And he sees blood.
And they're like, everything all right, Freddie?
And he's like, oh, yeah.
And then he just puts it into.
And it's his like, it's the way of the director going.
He knows his disease is getting worse,
but he's not telling everybody else.
And it's like, fuck off.
Would that ever happen?
If you coughed up like that much blood now,
you'd fucking shit your pants.
The end.
So back to Legionnaire's disease.
So I got it.
I'm still not sure where I got it.
I think I got it in Dublin,
but I'm not sure they've checked it out.
From the shower.
They don't.
Your body wasn't used to being washed.
I'm not sure you can.
What is this thing?
You breathe it in, basically.
It's vapor.
So showers is a good one or hot...
Bad one.
Good one.
If you want a good one, get it.
Hot subs or like...
You know, if you walk past...
You can walk past an air conditioning vent
that hasn't been turned on in a while
and that could be it or whatever.
The thing is, you've just described three things
that I do very regularly.
Hot subs, showers and air conditioning
and I've never had it.
Yeah, but the thing is,
it's about whether or not they've been left stagnant for a while.
And I imagine that the sort of showers that you frequent
are frequented on a regular basis.
Whereas me, I like a lone man's shower.
Do you know what I mean?
I like a shower that's off the beaten track.
I like a shower that other men look down and go,
too far, but me, it's my kind of shower.
So anyway, right?
What did you say?
Nope.
Do you feel like saying that out loud?
I reckon I made the same joke in my head.
I was just doing it for Carl.
Right, I nearly said it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I nearly said it.
The joke about showers.
Yeah, well, you were saying like if they're frequented
very often, then you don't get it. So I was showers? Yeah, well, you were saying, like, if they're frequented very often,
then you don't get it.
So I was going to say,
no one at Auschwitz got Legionnaires.
Certainly none of the last million.
Maybe the first million.
God knows how long they were left stagnant before that.
I don't think they were alive long enough for it to develop.
Yeah, I know.
But, like, I'm just saying.
Yeah, do some...
And also, I would say, as well, first of all, I know. But like, I'm just saying. Yeah, do some. And also, I would say as well,
first of all, I'm against the Holocaust.
Oh, wow.
And second of all.
Jesus, that's not how you start this.
That's not how you start this.
I don't agree with it.
I think he was bang out of order, right?
And also.
It was a joke.
If the first lot did get it,
that would have been the least of their worries.
Also, if the first lot did get it,
that would have been the least of their worries.
You can't sit from a straw after saying that.
Tell us about your lungs.
I don't think they were using, you know,
Cillipang on the showers.
This is... Do you want to talk about the Paul Curry thing?
Have you seen the Paul Curry thing?
I want to know about your fucking big stupid lungs.
Oh, right.
Okay.
So basically, I woke up in...
Who's Paul Curry?
Have you not heard about this?
Wait.
Which sets his ADHD off.
This is inception.
This is a story within a story within a story.
And then it's all going to fucking come out.
So, you know.
Oh, I know who Paul Cuddy is.
He spits milk at people.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So he did a show.
Because the Cuddy's too hot.
He did a show.
No, he does.
He's like a clown.
I'm not calling him like an idiot.
He's a fool.
He's like one of those fucking...
He does clowning.
Jean-Paul Gaultier fellas.
What's his name?
Jean-Paul Gaultier is the fucking perfume.
You mean, what's he called?
Philip Gaultier.
Gaultier, yeah.
Clown fella.
He's a clowder.
A clowning.
And a couple of years ago,
one of his routines at the Edinburgh Festival
was he would start eating a bowl of cereal
and then just spit it at the front row.
Did you worry about the time that he did that?
Spat milk over all the front row and then just spit it at the front row. Did you worry about the time that he did that, spat milk over all the front row,
and then the day after tested positive for COVID?
It's another way to get Legionnaire's disease.
A good way to get it, isn't it?
Showers, hot tubs, and Paul Cuddy's cereal.
He's going viral on Jewish Twitter at the moment
because he did a show at Soho Theatre,
and apparently at the end,
he brought out two flags, palestinian one and a
ukrainian one and asked everybody to stand and one guy wouldn't stand and he was like why wouldn't
you stand he was like because i'm israeli and paul apparently according to the story started shouting
at him going get the out get the out and all this stuff that sounds like the type of
thing paul cody would set up though you reckon and he's probably sat at home right now i've got no idea but it does sound like the type of thing that he would do and it sounds
like clowning and he's probably sat at home right now thinking god i'd give anything to distract the
hatred of the jewish community and you're like hey i'll tell you what about auschwitz no one got
legionnaires did they and he said i don't agree with it yeah he is right
so anyway right i got um i got uh i woke up on the sunday i was meant to fly home
um sorry i woke up on the saturday i was there for the weekend right friday saturday flying on
sunday i had a little nap on the saturday before the gig so i was meant to go out and get pissed
with dame o'clark and I woke up after a 90 minute nap
and I felt fucking dreadful.
Like I went from feeling fine to feeling so bad,
like awful.
Did the gig, but I messaged Damo and I was like,
I'm going to get an early night or whatever.
My flight the next day, I went home, went straight to bed.
My flight the next day was 5 p.m.
So I thought I'll not set an alarm.
Do you know what I mean? Went to bed at 10 p.m., woke up at 2 p.m. the next day was uh 5 p.m so i thought i'm not setting alarm do you know what i mean
went to bed at 10 p.m woke up at 2 p.m the following day i was like oh fuck i felt awful
but i just i couldn't move i felt so bad maneuvered dublin airport like that as well
alone mate sorry mate only one cure mate over there mate you got
that is a perfect irish accent you know it's great
empty your bag you're fucking met so fucking met you look like you have legionnaires disease met
and you look as if it's in here steven met i was trying to i was trying to pack my stuff
and i couldn't even fucking like i i was so tired i packed my i was packing my bag and i sat on the couch because i was getting
tired and i nodded off and i was 20 minutes and gone like i was i was fucked so i was messaging
my family and i was like i don't think they're gonna let me fly home i was like i i don't know
what the rule is but i'm so bad that i don't think they'll let me fly anyway i managed to get back
home or whatever and i went straight to bed and the next morning woke up on the monday still felt bad walked the dog and whilst i was walking the dog my entire insides started to like cramp up
it was hands down the worst pain i've ever felt in my life it's i think it's the pain that you'd
have when you have a heart attack it's genuinely that bad it was fucking everything was cramping up
and i couldn't i couldn't even walk. I was driving home with the dog
and I couldn't even press the pedals to drive.
So I ended up just putting the car in cruise control in 30
and just trying to get home at 30 and not stop.
The dog could have drove.
Like, the Jack Russell, his feet won't touch the...
Anyway, I got home.
I'm a Jack Russell.
I got home I got home
fed the dog
and then collapsed
on the floor
and passed out
but it was like
it was a weird kind of
collapsing and passing out
it was like I was aware
that it had happened
it wasn't like I just
you go
kind of just sort of felt
and then I came to
and I was like
oh dear
and so I messaged my family
and I was like
I've just collapsed
you know and passed
out and they were like ring ring someone else
oh fuck off can't be arsed lad you fed the dog just collapsed well how are you texting us then
so that sounds like bollocks to me son face time FaceTime me, I want to see. So they were like, you know, ringing ambulance.
Ow!
And I was like, no, no, I'll be fine.
I'll not ring an ambulance, I'll be all right.
And then I was led on the floor for maybe 30 minutes.
Were you texting them from the floor? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They don't give a fuck.
I'm on the floor, ringing ambulance.
FaceTime on the floor, ringing ambulance.
I'll be fine.
And bear in mind as well.
Don't worry about me, Dad.
Will you be pointless as on?
As you know, there's no light in my middle room
and it was getting dark.
Can you please?
Sorry to go off on a tangent here.
Can you do something about the state of your house?
Yeah.
Because it looks like a refugee centre.
The swatches behind you
when you do a live annoy me.
Yeah.
Because you've had them there for four years.
Every time,
every time me and you
were on Instagram live,
I feel like I'm negotiating
for your safe release.
I never once have you tried
to negotiate anything.
I'll call someone else.
I feel like I should be.
Is he still fat?
Yeah.
See you later.
I feel like it's proof of life.
I feel like someone's got, you know, they? Yeah, see you later. I feel like it's proof of life. I feel like someone's got,
you know what I mean?
I'll speak to your mates
because they're going to give us
10 million rupees.
I'm actually moving house.
So I bought this house
with the total expression,
like I wanted to do it up,
but unfortunately,
builders are robbing cunts.
Sorry if you're a builder
and you're listening to this or a plasterer or a joiner or any of those things, but you are robbing cunts. Sorry if you're a builder and you're listening to this,
or a plasterer, or a joiner, or any of those things,
but you're robbing cunts, and I would happily get back into Brexit
if it meant getting Polish people over here,
so you'd put down your fucking prices.
You're robbing cunts.
Back into Brexit.
No, I think it's because materialism.
That's what we love.
No, no, no, no.
It's because Brexit.
It's because immigration.
It's because immigration, what they say say is we want our best and brightest.
Lawrence Fox.
No, we don't.
We don't want our best and brightest.
I want the thick cunts.
Bring the thick cunts back, drive the price of building down,
and get me a fucking extension.
Why don't you want the best as well, though?
What, sorry?
Why don't you want the best as well?
They can come, but I don't just want the best and brightest.
I want the thick cunts.
Right.
Because now,
fucking trying to get a builder
costs ridiculous money
because they know they don't have to do it
because there's no builders.
I know.
I got an extension last year
and it wasn't cheap.
It's mad, innit?
But I'd rather have local boys in.
Would you?
I would legit rather it be cheap.
Here you go, listen to this.
So behind me got an extension done
before I got mine. So I'm going to go over and speak to the lads and go, hey mate, I, listen to this. So behind me got an extension done before I got mine.
So I'm going to go over and speak to the lads and go,
hey, mate, I want the same thing.
Come give me a quote.
The lads who I said that to were from Eastern Europe.
They quoted me £30,000 more than the local lads did.
So that kind of fucks your theory up.
Really?
Maybe they just didn't like you.
That's a good point.
On average, it is a sort of known fact that they're cheaper.
Also, I'd like to give ourselves
a good old pat on the back here
because we've been pro-immigration
and anti-Holocaust so far today.
And I think we have a reputation
of trying to be edgy,
but sometimes we just do the right thing.
Well done, us.
Like we've done the opposite in the past.
Go on, Saul. We've done the opposite in the past. Go on.
We've done so well in not siding on the biggest atrocity ever.
So you've shit yourself on the floor.
I am on the Holocaust as well, by the way.
I don't even think it happened.
Joking.
Why else would they have the museum?
You're on the floor.
You're on the floor. Your family don't give a fuck. I'm on the floor. There's a builder there charging too much. You're on the floor. What's happening? You're on the floor.
I'm on the floor.
There's a builder there charging too much.
I'm on the floor, right?
And I'm drifting.
I'm on the team, mate.
Help me up.
50 pounds, I'll help you up.
I'm drifting in and out of consciousness.
Fucking hell.
I'll help you with an ambulance.
Well, here's the thing.
I have what i would like
to refer to as an epiphany where i go what am i waiting to happen like like like to die
like how much worse am i waiting for this to get in order for me to think that this is ambulance
worthy this is probably ambulance worthy. Probably. Still not sure.
Stuck to the floor for an hour.
This is probably time.
So I rung up.
Give it another 15 and I'm calling an ambulance, mate.
So I rung them up and they were like, yeah, we'll get.
And I don't know if you know this, but the NHS is so fucked at the moment.
What?
No, no, no.
Like you don't even understand.
No. It's so bad. Tell us what's going on. I've got a question. fucked at the moment. What? No, no, no, like you don't even understand. No, no.
Tell us what's going on. I've got a question.
Joe and you fed your dog and then collapsed.
Yeah. Did your dog eat his food and then leave
the room? No.
No, he ate his food,
stared at me in the face for a little while
and then I could see him out the corner of my eye
just humping this teddy that he
hunts. And I was like,
ah, this is, if I die and he rapes my face
i'm gonna be so pissed off i'm a teddy it's time for freddy yeah yeah police found him collapsed
on the floor covered in dog semen the dog drives off yeah he died how he lived, sucking off dogs. I could drive all along.
Drive an ambulance as well.
You're not having this.
Go on, you're on the floor.
It's automatic, you soft gut.
I think we've just outlined the plot to the usual suspects too.
There's the dog.
Dog just rips off a moustache
and just leaves.
So anyway, right?
Went on the floor.
It took four hours
for an ambulance to get out.
It's pathetic.
During which time
I'd managed to get up.
Hang on, didn't you lie
to the ambulance people?
Pardon?
Didn't you make it seem worse?
No, no.
I just told them what happened.
How much did that seem worse? He's been face down on the floor for an hour it's been six hours 11 no but i mean and i've
eaten dairy so come quick no but they've got like levels of oh he's broke his leg it's quite high
oh he's just fell down the stairs i think collapsed is higher than broken leg he's collapsed
dog come and you don't think that's an emergency?
Did they say you're struggling breathing?
Excuse me, I'm collapsed.
I'm covered in dog cum and I can't move
and I'm drifting in and out of consciousness.
How's your leg?
What did you just ask?
Yeah, as opposed to normal.
No, but they'll say,
they'll try and work out if it's your heart
if it's an emergency.
Are you struggling breathing?
He could ring watch an Emmerdale
and the answer to that is yes.
So I did tell him about the pain that I had
that caused me to collapse, basically.
And it still took four hours.
Anyway, during that time, I've gotten up
and I've sat down in my chair.
So the chair that I do lives from, the same one.
So they-
Can you imagine a panamax coming and going,
like, can you paint in here
just shit all saw your light out your lazy cunt you have to get the police to go in first to
check it's the hostages so clear clear the rooms let's hope it's a sound we've been loud and read
so i'm never gonna get through this fucking story we're not even through chapter one. That's how long this is. So yeah, they came around and they said,
look, it's probably COVID,
but we don't have any COVID tests.
So you're going to have to get a COVID test.
Now in the time that it took me to get a COVID test,
it was now Friday and I was so bad.
They didn't take you into hospital?
No.
They went, do a COVID test and left?
Yeah.
After four hours?
Yeah.
That is fucking insane.
Here's how bad I was.
I was pissing blood by this point.
So on the Thursday night, I was pissing blood.
And it was, I don't know if you've ever pissed blood before?
No.
If you piss, it doesn't, I thought it came out your willy.
Willy? I thought it came out your willy. Willy?
I thought it came out your bizarre.
I thought your blood would come out your pee-pee
all silly and stuff.
Whatever's all that stuff.
I thought it comes out,
it comes out,
I thought it would come out your penis,
just pure blood.
Like I thought it would come out
like a pure red stream of blood.
It doesn't.
It's like a, it looks like Coca-Cola pure red stream of blood it doesn't it's like a
it looks like coca-cola because you you've still got the piss in there right so i'm just pissing
like imagine looking at your dick i'm just at the realization imagine looking at your dick and
pissing coke right and i was like oh that's probably not good and then i went to bed and then
i know that we're the opposite person
because you'd have called...
You've got mad health anxiety.
You've called the CIA, yeah.
I remember...
No, no, no.
You don't understand health anxiety, though.
But I remember...
Because I worry about it,
but I don't do anything about it.
It's not the same thing.
I remember having to ring an ambulance for you
in Edinburgh.
2014.
At the grass market
because you had a chest pain.
Yeah, but that was the height of my health anxiety.
That was as bad as it ever got.
That was the first year of it when I had zero control over it.
And you used to dress like a butcher.
What?
You know, you have them shirts and that that you used to...
What?
Butchers don't dress like this.
I look like a pile of beautiful autumn leaves.
Carry on with your story. What's wrong with this? I haven't said a word. I look like a pile of beautiful autumn leaves.
What's wrong with this?
I haven't said a word.
Usually if you say you dress like a butcher to somebody,
don't laugh.
Yeah, I meant you dress like a butcher as a compliment.
You look like you do a lovely spread.
So anyway, it got to the Friday.
Dude, I'm so bad by the Friday.
I'm so fucking bad.
Like I can't move at all.
I do a COVID test and it comes back negative.
And I'm like, huh, that's odd.
So I ring the ambulance.
I'm like, I'm quite bad.
And I've done a COVID test and it's negative.
And they were like asking the questions. Is this the problem? Is this the problem? What's happening? And they were like, I'm quite bad. And I've done a COVID test and it's negative. And they were like asking the questions,
is this the problem?
Is this the problem?
What's happening?
And they were like, okay, we'll send an ambulance out.
And ambulance came out straight away.
And then they started testing my vitals and they went,
oh, you need to go to hospital right now this second.
And I went, oh, it's like fine or anything.
Like, I'll just get some antibiotics or something.
They were like, no, no, no, you need to come now. Because originally I'd rung up to get antibiotics and they went no you need to come right now i went into hospital and they put straight in and they tested us and my vitals
were through the fucking floor like my my blood oxygen level was 82 and like anything below like 92 is a problem yeah yeah anything below 90 will kill you
82 is like bad really really bad when i when i got covered there's a there's a fella uh called
dr canary who listens to this podcast dr canary it's a large area um does he get all the diseases
first then they see whether or not he's alright?
That's such a good joke, Freddie.
Thank you, Highbrow.
Anti-Holocaust, pro-immigration.
Highbrow podcast.
Highbrow comedy podcast.
Dr. Canary has become a confidant of mine.
And when I got COVID, I messaged him and I was like, Dr. Canary.
Is he expensive?
What? Because he's not cheap.
Oh, you ruined it now.
You had such a good one.
Don't care.
I purposely ruined it.
Cause I thought that was funny.
Quit when you're ahead.
I don't care.
Just nail it and leave.
I don't give a shit.
I wanted he's not, cause he's a bird, Adam.
Cheap?
Then he would be cheap.
Cause birds, no, cause birds go cheap.
That's the joke. Yeah. So then he would be cheap. No, because birds go cheap. That's the joke.
Yeah.
So then he would be cheap.
Oh.
Not only was it shit,
you've done the shit one wrong.
You've gone backwards now.
Oh, no.
Dr. Canary, I was like,
listen, Dr. Canary,
I think, well, I know I've got COVID.
And he's like, right.
He goes,
you want to get one of those little
things that go on your finger and measure your oxygen they're about 20 quid off amazon oximeter
that thing that's the one um and he went just keep an eye on your oxygen and if you're having
a bad night just test it and let me know where you're at so i test it one night and it was like
91 yeah and i 91 is a lot of percent you know what i mean yeah yeah if i said you're getting like 91
percent of my net worth when i die you'd be like that's a lot of money that i've done thank you
for for you so i was like but if i said that you're getting 91 of my net worth when i die
can you paint it um i put it on i was like 91 is probably fine but i feel awful and i messaged him
and i was like i'm really feeling bad i'm wondering whether to call an ambulance or whatever and he was like
have you tested your oxygen i was like yeah but it's fine i'm 91 and he was like no no no you need
to call an ambulance like now yeah most people walking around with 98 below 95 you're not well
below 92 you're a bit fucked um like and you need to below 90 you need to go to the hospital. 82 is like, you die off 82.
My respiratory rate as well was between 50 and 60.
What's that?
It's how much you breathe.
So I'm just sat there going-
But what's a good one?
Like-
You can't just give us a number.
Maybe.
60 breaths a minute, Sal, didn't it?
Is that what it is?
No.
Yeah, I'm literally there just going-
And I'm taking no-
12 to 16 is average. Yeah, and i'm taking no oxygen in so i'm just
i'm fucked basically
we've got a pug on ward two leave him alone he's gonna be fine we've given him some anti-bi dog ticks so by the time just as bad as what you
did so by the time uh anti-bi dog ticks and they're not cheap so i um uh i'm fucked basically
by the time i actually got into um a and a i was presenting sepsis. And that's bad. It's not a new TV show. This is sepsis.
Presenting sepsis.
Symptoms are being yellow and fucked.
I'm David O'Leary and this is sepsis.
From the makers of Selling Sunsets,
it's presenting sepsis.
Yeah, I was fucked.
I went straight to the resource unit,
which is where they put all the fucked people, basically.
Sort of prostitutes. straight to the resource unit which is like where they put all the fucked people basically and uh again this is how this is uh this is how bad no it's full of old people really who they're like
you're probably gonna die but we will see about this tomorrow do you know what i mean like
did you ever do not resuscitate well sorry
for me do you know how bad and again this this is how bad the NHS is at the moment.
I'm in the resource unit
and I do not have a pillow.
So I'm just sat there like,
led on a bed like that with no pillow.
Why would you do that with your neck?
No pillows, Shreddy.
Okay, then.
I'll make one out of his shoulder.
Yeah, let me make it out of my back fat.
Here you go.
There you are.
I'm all right, mate.
Sound. Give it to one of those old women.
They took us then through the night.
I was, and I could tell that I was fucked, right?
Because there were people around me
who were literally screaming for help
and nobody was coming.
And then I would like,
That's because you were there.
I would honestly. He's doing a set. He's doing a set. and then i would like that's because you were there i would
a dog on the wall he's bathed like this So I
I knew coming on here
was a bad idea
I fucking knew it
I knew coming on here
was a bad idea
and yet I still decided to
Do you know what
I should be doing today?
I should be having my bloods done
for a CT scan
I've literally rearranged
the CT scan
to come here
What's CT?
Is that your brain?
Uh
Yeah
No I think it's i think it's your chest
oh yeah is it i think so oh we all know could be anywhere i think it's the machine
so anyway anyway uh so i'm i'm fucked the following i knew i was fucked because every
time i cough people would rush over like and i'm like oh that's odd do you know what i mean
and then they took me to like a more specialist like oh that's odd do you know what i mean and then they
took me to like a more specialist resource unit and they were just you know like you know when
you see like a sick kid who's got like one in a million syndrome or whatever and they're like
he only needs all of these machines to breathe you know i mean it's like a full wall and they're
like guys just what are we doing here do you know i mean i was just like you know what are we doing here? Do you know what I mean? I was head on. Just like, you know, what are we doing? Imagine the lucky bill on them.
Anyway, I was in that kind of room
where it was just surrounded by equipment
and I was like, oh God.
I remember I kept drifting in and out of consciousness
and I remember one time a doctor screaming at this guy
who was from a different country.
Should have got a quote from him.
Freddie, is the different country relevant? quote from him is the different country relevant you are it's different country yes yeah because because the doctor was going if we don't amputate your leg
you'll die tonight and he was like and they were like
does anybody speak french in this hospital how you say like my legs. I use them to walking. Please do not take my leg.
Please do not take my leg.
I need them.
I am an Olympic sprinter.
Je ne parle amputation.
So anyway,
right.
So anyway,
right.
They,
and he's going,
you will die.
And they're relaying it back
to him in his language.
you're not having my leg.
They're relaying it back.
You are going to sell it
on the black market. Yeah, that's, that's basically what was happening. But they were relaying it back to him in his language. I don't care, you're not diving my leg. They relayed it back. You are going to sell it on the black market.
Yeah, that's basically what was happening.
But they were relaying it back to an interpreter
and the interpreter was like,
and he was like,
I was like, no, he doesn't want to.
He'll die.
He'll fucking die.
It was bad, bad times.
And then I got told that I was going to the respiratory unit.
Was in there for 20 minutes.
And these two nurses came over and they were like,
we are from the ICU and we test patients who we think we need to go to the ICU.
And they looked at us and they were like, you need to go to the ICU.
So I got down to intensive care.
And in there, it's's fucking it's so sad
is that when they
give you the big
Halloween costume
yeah yeah yeah
the bubble
yeah yeah yeah
they call it
pick one
bring a rail over
buzz light year please
so
so they
I'll be sat there
with my cowboy hat
and Woody
so they
they
they call it
a CPAP hood
what
CPAP
CPAP yeah hood What? CPAP.
CPAP.
Yeah, HUD, basically.
Big bubble, big fuck-off bubble.
And it's basically,
I was requiring so much oxygen to stay alive that that's the only way that they could,
you know, do that, give me that.
What did your blade say to you
when they said come to intensive care?
Do you know what's mad is...
Did you say, I i'm done and you're
dead no throughout the whole thing i thought i was absolutely fine like legitimately i thought that i
was i was so calm about it and i don't know whether or not that is me as a person i'm quite rational
and i don't freak out easily or whether or not it's like a disassociative experience that you have when you're experiencing trauma
or whether or not it's like just a combination
of the medication or something like that.
But I was so chill about it.
It was like-
It won't be like what he's about to say.
It's like when a cat gets stuck in a tree.
No, because they freak out.
It was like- It's just a was like then them saying that is it i approached
it with the same level of arseness as if they went uh you know when you're on a plane they go
do you want to sit in the emergency thing and you go yeah all right okay it was that level of arsed
i was i was just not bothered um so they put us on this cpap thing and then after a while it wasn't
really working and then they said look you're gonna have to um we might have to put you on life support
so we're gonna have to put you in a medically induced coma and put you on life support so a
machine will do your breathing for you like an iron lung basically and i was like yeah all right
okay sound like it wasn't hitting in
but I had to like
they were like
you need to tell
your family
that that's
going to happen
because if that
happens
we don't wait
for you to text
everybody
to say
call someone else
yeah
we thought you
were still on the
floor
what are you
what are you doing
mate
Chase is on the final I What are you doing, mate?
The chase is on the final.
I'll bear break here, Freddie, for fuck's sake.
Tell someone else.
A nightmare, that.
Iron lung bollocks.
So you've got to tell your family,
look, I might have to go into a coma,
just so you're aware, type thing.
It's insane.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I might have to go into a coma.
Hello, Dad, you all right?
How's me mum
yeah yeah
did you get the fucking loft sorted
did you yeah
anyway
just a quick one
I might have to go into a coma today
yeah
should only be
I'll be back in a few days
need anything picking up
I'm so mad
it's like that
but a voice note
I might have to go into a coma
yeah yeah yeah
well that's what they
you know
that's what they said
they said you've got to prepare yourself.
Are you popping into town to get some Christmas clothes?
They also said, we're telling you now
so that you can prepare for it.
Because if we tell you that you're going to have to go into a coma
and tell you it's going to happen right now,
then also we don't want you to freak out
because you're in quite a, like, you know.
Be quiet.
You're in a difficult state at the moment
and if you freak out and start to hyperventilate you're already doing 60 beats a fucking minute like
you're gonna be fucked so yeah so basically i was like luckily i didn't have to go in the comb i
started to improve and um i got some uh sputum uh you know like some spit some phlegm and they
used that to test that i had legionnaires and the second
that they knew that i had legionnaires they were able to prescribe the right medication and it was
like yeah we know how to deal with that here's the medication here's the thing and i got better
after a few days in icu i was able to sort of get up out my bed which was good um because one time i i one time i shat myself four times in a day in icu and it was
thanks mate ah game knows game um and the thing is is i don't think you ever shat yourself in
front of icu nurses but the first time it happens never the first time it happens they're so lovely
about it they're so nice they, don't worry about it.
It's fine.
Blah, blah, blah.
The fourth time it happens, they're like, have I, have I done something?
Is, am I, do you not like me?
What's, what?
But the thing is, is I didn't know that I was shitting myself.
I wasn't like, oh dear.
I was like, literally just sat there and every once in a while i'd check my pants
and they'd just be shitting them like that was it like it was insane um i was sat as well oh here's
another thing i was so i was led in the icu and there's nothing to do you just sat led there like
this there's a little ipad that they give you and you go you can watch telly on that but i couldn't
hear it because i was in the fucking bubble so it's pointless you can't hear nothing no but it's worse here and the speakers on the ipad in the icu
aren't exactly fucking bow sound system fucking cashing the attic from all four corners
you could have put your earphones in before they put the bubble on yeah
so anyway right i'm led next to a bloke you know for next time though here's here's how fucked i
was so in the icu you share a nurse it's it's two patients to one nurse right and the guy i was
sharing a nurse with had half a head like like legitimately his head had caved in like that
top to bottom. No.
No, he looked like the fucking Apple logo.
That's what he looked like.
He was just caved in. Oh, so like two thirds of an head.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Right, okay.
You know when you kick a football that's flat
and you don't know it's flat?
Yeah.
And then it, like that.
That's what his head was.
What happened?
He died.
Just appreciate that.
He's dead.
We don't keep in touch.
What happened to his head?
He fell.
I fell. What happened to his head? He fell. I felt what happened.
Well, half my head fell off.
That sounds like a man
who took a fucking beating
and wasn't going to grab it anyway.
I could just imagine
he'd let off the...
Say, half your head
has fallen off.
Just wondering what happened.
I could have just imagined
he'd let off the floor
after he fell like,
I don't need to call an ambulance.
I fell.
As long as that dog
doesn't jizz in my fucking head. Cavity. Hello, Dad. You all right? Yeah, no, I don't need to call an ambulance. I fell. As long as that dog doesn't jizz in my fucking head cavity.
Hello, Dad.
You all right?
Yeah, no, I fell again.
I've lost half my head.
Call someone else.
So anyway.
Listen, I don't think
it's bad enough yet.
I'm going to give it another.
He fell off.
So anyway, right?
Here's what else is.
I fell.
I shouldn't laugh, right?
But he kept trying to, he kept trying to pick at his head, right?
Oh, mate.
But they were there.
So he didn't really know what he was doing.
If a third of your head had fucking caved in like that...
Did he have an hat on?
What, sorry?
Didn't he put an hat on him?
No, what they did instead...
Like when you're losing your hair?
No, no, no.
What they did instead...
Yeah, I'm losing my head, so where's that?
What they did instead...
I'm going to take it. I'm going to Turkey.
I'm going to Turkey.
Turkey.
Just perfectly white, 30 years.
I'm losing my head, so I'm going to Turkey in the summer.
No, it's great.
You get four days there.
There's two.
You set your update when you do it.
The fourth one's just a holiday.
Do you know what I say?
Where they put dry noodles in a wall and just shake it down. one's just an holiday. Do you know what I'm saying? Where they put... With your new head.
They put dry noodles in a wall and just shave it down.
That's why he's picking at his head.
He's got cocoa noodles in there.
Oh, hang on, lads.
No, we've left the soy sauce packing in.
Can't stop.
We'll have to do it again.
So, you'd think that they...
You'd open the box.
Fucking take the soy sauce packing out, John. You think that they... You think that they would give him a helmet, right?
But the NHS was... He just sat there like a quarterback.
No, no, no.
It gets worse.
Did they have a pillow?
No.
Come on.
The man with no hair, they have a pillow.
He did.
He didn't need one.
So, anyway, there must have been like an NHS shortage on helmets.
So what they did was they masking taped two massive foam gloves
to each of his hands.
You know, like the fucking number one.
It's at the Super Bowl.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, he wasn't a quarterback.
He was a fan. So he. It's at the Super Bowl. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he wasn't a quarterback. He was a fan.
So he couldn't pick his fucking head.
Why didn't they just put an hat on his head?
Because they didn't have any hats.
I don't know.
So you can take a hat off?
I'm not a doctor.
Oh, yeah.
So, yeah, they mask and take.
So what you'd see every once in a while at the core of my eye
would be this guy with a third of a head just pulling at it
with his big foam gloves. It was so sad, man. what sorry no he's our age so he's been in an accident
he's been in a crash or something yeah it fell that's what he said well that's what the the
fell off uh mont rushmore so he was he was in a really bad fucking way. But I managed to... He used to be sick.
He fell off.
I could get up.
I needed an oxygen tank to move, though.
So I'd get plugged into an oxygen tank and I'd move.
I still wasn't able to piss and stuff.
They had to give us a fucking... You know, the little shoe-on things.
Do you smoke?
Not no more, no.
The saddest thing is watching them outside the hospital
with the tablets on, smoking.
It's like, bro. I could barely breathe at that point that long smoke or anything like that
i was i couldn't like i was still pissing in my bed in the little and also as well fuck me all
the drugs that i had and all the fucking illness that i was on my dick was like nothing it was like
so i was trying to like thumb it in and I couldn't even fucking. Thumb who? Thumb it into the fucking hole.
Into the hole in the man's head.
Can you please stop fucking his head?
We've got no helmet.
He's screaming.
He's doing it again.
Help.
Wait a minute.
This isn't dog cum.
This is shit.
Legionnaire's jizz this.
Dirty boy.
Legionnaire's.
Uses foam fucking, foam gloves to wipe his cum off just absorb it he's probably dead now yeah probably so uh anyway um i get transferred to uh
side just a little side quest for the sec you ever seen like interviews with people
who've got like
half their head missing
and they can just talk
yeah
yeah
you know what I mean
like it's gone
but they're just there
going yeah you know
I had a penguin for breakfast
and stuff like that
give me a thought
I had a penguin for breakfast
I had a penguin for breakfast
well you've got a third
of a head
you've got to live
your life different
you know
no healthy eating
for penguin head
I had a penguin for breakfast
I'm going to the gym later
and then I'm going to see Brassel 2E3 you know when No healthy eating for penguin head. I'm in for breakfast, I'm going to the gym later and then I'm going
to see Brass of 2E3.
You know,
when they're just
having conversations,
I always think,
another bit of the brain
they've lost,
what was in that?
Well,
what's her name?
What's the actress' name?
Actor, sorry.
She was in Game of Thrones.
She's the Daenerys.
Oh,
Emilia Clarke.
Emilia Clarke.
She's lost half of her,
like a big chunk
of her brain.
But like, when they lose it
like that
what was in it
is there just stuff
that he just
like has
it's just gone
memories
storage
like he can't juggle anymore
but he can do everything else
and that juggling
has taken up
all of that bit of his head
you give him something
and he's just like
I don't even know
what the word means mate
can't teach him again
no
because that bit of the brain
is the juggling bit.
Well, they say
you only use 10%
anyway, don't you?
Why?
They say you only use
10% anyway.
I think that's a misnomer.
Only using 10%
but it can't be 10%,
can it?
Because otherwise
what's the rest of it for?
No, I think we actively
use 10%.
Yeah.
And the rest is just
doing things in the
background.
Yeah.
Aye, so he fucking,
do you know what I mean?
He can still talk but he can't do trigonometry or something like that. He won't have him on, so he fucking, do you know what I mean? He can still talk,
but he can't do trigonometry
or something like that.
Like, shit.
We'll have him on,
he's gone, whoa.
What, you're anti-Holocaust?
Get out of here!
Apparently we used,
so the Mythbusters guys
have proved that we use 35%.
Aye, so he's lost,
he's lost the bit
that we don't use.
Anyway, right.
Take it off me then.
I don't need to be on so much oxygen.
I don't need to be in the hood anymore.
They let me go into the respiratory ward.
He's in the Bronx.
Freddie, hello.
Can you please come back? I'm in the hood.
No, mate, you're not well, are you?
Freddie, we told you
not to leave the fucking ward, mate.
You should not be in the South Bronx at this time of night.
In the hood.
Right, I was in the hood anyway.
So, I went up to the respiratory ward.
That's so sad.
It's just full of people who are fucked.
Like, so fucked.
And I'm there trying not to fucking breathe.
And I just, i recovered on there
basically and um yeah i was paul smith by the way paul smith's in the fucking third of a head guy
he was he saw as an icu he's in the fucking third of a head guy asking about him anyway um so there
was uh uh yeah i i recovered on uh the respiratory ward and it took us a few days and then I was out.
But then they noticed while they were doing scans and stuff,
they were doing sonograms whilst I was in recess
to try and find out what was wrong with me.
I thought you were pregnant.
Yeah.
That's when they found out that my heart was fucked
and so I was doing like x-rays and stuff and shit like that.
And the Legionnaires has given
me heart failure so um so you've got either or either the legionnaires has given me heart failure
or i've always had heart failure and not known or drinking has caused heart failure and honestly
that that's like 33 33 33 isn't it isn't that the way heart failure seems like oh it's just
it's just basically it's not working the way to others yeah that's all that means isn't it mad the way heart failure seems like, oh, it's just basically, it's not working the way to you, isn't it? Yeah, that's all that means, isn't it?
That's right.
So my heart, my left ventricle
doesn't pump out enough oxidized blood.
And during the Legionnaires thing,
they think my heart's expanded and gotten bigger
in order to sort of,
because it's a muscle.
And if the muscle has to work harder,
it gets bigger, right?
So I've got a big heart
and it's not filled with love so i
you've got sticky arteries here you've you've been you've been injecting dog cum into your
chest you dirty cunt so can you never drink again well they're figuring that out so at the moment i am on a mix of beta blockers and blood
thinners and all sorts of stuff to give my heart a rest what percentage are you back what do you
mean like you don't you feel how do you feel percentage wise so i feel so i i've i've regained
90 i've got% of the lung function
of somebody of my age and gender.
So my lungs are now fine,
but my heart is still bad, basically.
And you wanted to have me a charity boxing match?
Oh, I'd win, 100%.
Freddie, you wouldn't be allowed, would you?
The doctor wouldn't let you?
No, no, no.
So I'm on stuff at the moment.
When you say heart failure again,
people panic about it and think it's bad.
You're on blood thinners and you want to get punched.
Blood thinners are fine.
Don't worry about it.
It's fine.
Are you meant to get punched on them?
Yeah, you can do whatever you want on them.
It's just on a box.
You're fine.
Don't worry about getting punched.
So anyway.
Don't have any wine though.
That's going to kill you.
But the reason I'm going for this CT scan
is the whole thing is we're going to check,
we're going to give your heart a rest for six months
and then we're going to check how much it shrunk.
And if it shrunk back to where it was,
crack on lad, well done.
If it shrunk a bit,
maybe we need to give you another six months.
And if it's not shrunk at all,
like you're out the game.
Do you know what I mean?
Well.
So I've been nearly six months sober now and I fucking hate it. I hate it so much. So you're out the game do you know what i mean well so i i've been nearly six months sober now
and i fucking hate it i hate it so much so you're an alcoholic then so i wouldn't say that if you'd
have asked me six months ago if i was an alcoholic i would have said no but recently i've come to the
conclusion that i probably was so i thought an alcoholic was somebody who drinks really bad but i thought really my alcoholism i guess is the
fact that i was dependent on it to be social like and to and to relieve a bit of stress so the
problem that i've had is that i've not been able to kind of um find anything to replace that vice
and so um i i don't have like the same level of social skills or interactions and stuff
i don't really like going out as much anymore like and i feel like i i can't burn off steam
the same way so i guess when you look at it that way i probably was more dependent on alcohol than
what i'd like to believe and so maybe yeah do you want us to find you some new vices we can give a
list i've tried mate I've tried fucking everything.
I've tried everything.
I've tried weed.
I've tried chess.
I've tried...
Did you mean cheese?
Chess.
Oh.
But then I tried chess and weed and I got frustrated
because it wasn't as good.
And then I've tried gaming.
That's a thing that I've tried to do.
I fucking can't be arsed with.
You know, years ago before me and Freddie,
in fact, it was that Edinburgh that you were talking about before,
Edinburgh 2014.
And we accidentally ended up on the same train to Edinburgh
because you have to change at Preston to get to Edinburgh.
And I got on the train with him.
And we didn't really know each other.
We knew each other as acquaintances
and we'd done a handful of gigs together or whatever.
I thought we were friends.
We'll get there one day.
But he had a chess board with him
and he was like,
oh, I've got my chess board.
And I was like, oh, I play chess.
And obviously like,
because I present in a certain way,
he was just like,
oh, I'll just fucking twat this guy.
And I beat him
and I've never seen anyone
that upset and surprised in my entire life.
Yeah, because he presents in the way of like a,
what you did back then, more of a simpleton.
A butcher as well.
Yeah.
I'll be the simple butcher.
No sausages on the board, you fat cunt.
Yeah, that's, you know, so.
But you look, I mean, I've had them joke before,
but you look a lot healthier than you did.
Yeah, well, I am.
You look less blotchy.
Yeah, well, I've been.
You nagging him.
Do you just want me to suck your dick?
What the fuck is this?
No, you've lost weight.
I can tell.
I've lost about two and a half stone.
But what's mad, all of that was drinking weight.
I've not changed a single fucking thing other than not drinking. I'm two and a half stone. But what's mad, all of that was drinking weight. I've not changed a single fucking thing
other than not drinking.
I'm two and a half stone lighter.
But there's so many calories in ale.
It's mad, isn't it?
It's mad in a while as well.
Like a pint of Guinness.
A pint of Guinness is 199 calories, so 200.
I'll easily do 12 of them.
Like on an accidental night out,
I'll have 12 pints of Guinness.
That's your calories for the day.
It's mad, isn't it?
And that's for someone who's not even trying to lose weight. That's your calories for the day. He's mad, isn't he? Like, and that's for, like,
someone who's not even trying to lose weight.
That's, like, maintaining weight for the average man.
So if you have, like, a normal amount of food and then 12 Guinness,
that's two days' worth of food.
Do you know what, though, as well,
is the alcohol-free options on alcohol...
Wait.
The alcohol-free options on, you know,
whatever I'm trying to say.
Yeah, alcohol-free.
They're fucking shocking.
No, they're not.
They're so, so, so bad.
Guinness Zero is actually really nice.
I'll give you that.
It's even better on draft.
If you get a draft of it.
Yeah.
It's the closest thing
to what it's trying to be
of any of them.
I've never been a big Guinness drinker,
but I'm drinking plenty of Guinness Zero
because it's so close that I can't tell.
Heineken Zero is passable.
The rest of them are fucking wank.
And I'll tell you what as well,
all these, the non-alcoholic versions
are the same price as the alcoholic versions
and you can fuck off.
You can fuck right off. A non-alcoholic
cocktail is juice.
It's fucking juice.
Yeah, just don't order it.
But it's there
as an option for me. You know like when
you get annoyed when people get offended
by your comedy and you go, just don't watch it.
Just don't order the... Yeah, but it's there
as an option for me. It's all there as an option for people
who don't like it. Stop making sense.
You can fly to the Bahamas right now, first class.
There's an option.
You don't have to book it if you can't afford it.
Also, the best non-alcoholic beer you can get,
in my opinion, like a lager, is Lucky Saint.
Try Lucky Saint.
Lucky Saint.
Do you drink it?
So you really enjoy the taste of beer then?
Otherwise, you just drink a soft drink, wouldn't you?
Mate, I was so into... i loved everything about alcohol culture like i loved fucking beer
festivals i love drinking stupid fucking alcohol that you've never heard of in your life before
like some cunts brewed in his fucking bathtub i even loved hangovers i love the whole fucking
thing and i loved a sesh so to not have it is it's unbelievably difficult and i've noticed
i've noticed how much socially i rely on alcohol interacting with people who i don't know is
torture for me yeah i'm fine with that but i i will always like this is a bit christian quote
really i will always try and keep myself now as fit and healthy as i can so that i can sort of
drink whatever i want when I want to.
Like, I don't need alcohol the way I think you need it.
Like, to function socially, I can do it,
and I'm good with new people.
And I can actually go on a night out and not drink
and still have fun.
But I really do enjoy a few pints.
Yeah.
Like, a couple of times a week.
And I always want to be able to do that
without it ever being,
oh, he's fucked.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No.
I just want to be able to do it.
But the thing is-
I don't want to have to stop.
So the reason I keep an eye on me drinking
is so that I never have to stop.
But also as well,
you have an addictive personality.
I don't though.
You do.
You absolutely do.
Him saying I don't have an addictive personality
is fucking...
What are you doing at the moment every single day?
Training for a marathon.
There you go.
So the thing with addiction...
You're hyper-focused rather than addiction.
No, no, no.
The thing with addiction, right, and I honestly believe this,
is you can never get rid of addiction.
It's an innate personality trait.
All you can do is focus it at a thing that's either good for you or bad for you. Dan's's an innate personality trait all you can do is focus it a thing that's either good for
you or bad for you dan's got an addictive personality i think his is more hyper focused
nah nah nah it's addiction okay right i've started training for a marathon yeah because someone else
signed up for it and i was like i'll do that with you yeah it was a show of solidarity
other than this marathon training yeah name something that you've seen me get addicted to.
Golf.
Golf.
But that's hyper,
I'm agreeing with you,
I say it's hyper focused.
So I've got an addictive personality
because I got into golf last summer.
Yeah, but you get into it,
you get,
it becomes every facet of you.
It becomes super fucking,
you don't just like it a bit,
you really fucking, you know. So because i got into something and enjoyed myself here's another thing here's another thing as well i think you're
mixing up hyper focus with addiction dan's addicted your your weight fluctuates to fuck
because i'm addicted to putting weight on and losing it and then putting it back on and losing
that's the addictive personality what are you talking about because you either stuff your face
with fucking chinese takeaways every night
or you're super fucking
clean and healthy and everything.
I think you've got an addictive personality. I'm not.
Look at the way that you do comedy.
Like, you have an addiction to
comedy because you have that
insane work ethic. Right. So
I like my job and I'm ambitious
and I played golf a few times last year
and I'm training for the marathon.
There you go.
He's a smacker.
But here's the thing.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Because what you've done
is you're taking the word addictive personality
and you're immediately presenting it as a negative thing.
I think addiction can be a really positive thing,
providing that it goes towards a positive way
of making your life better.
So at the moment,
your addictive traits are allowing you to train for a marathon
in a time period that I think most people would say
is a silly time period to train from a marathon.
Because most people-
In the 12 weeks building up, sorry.
People normally train-
After.
In the 12 weeks after.
No, I know, but like most people would give themselves
a bit more of a layup than you would.
What do you mean?
Like, I think they give themselves a bit more,
I don't think most people would go,
I think I'm going to run a marathon.
Do you know what I mean?
Right.
But I didn't.
Alfie Brown said to me,
I'm running the Paris Marathon,
you should do it with me.
And I said, all right, I'll give that a go.
Freddie, what you're saying isn't wrong,
but I think it's addiction.
But I know what you mean.
His is total hyper-focus on illegal e-witter.
Okay.
So we might just be... It's this thing, I'm doing this, I'm going to be good at this that okay so when you might just think it's this thing
i'm doing this i'm gonna be good at this so i think we might just be using the different words
for the same thing yeah so what i would call addiction you would call hyper focus because it
sounds like a superpower yeah but no one's ever got hyper focused on heroin it does what sorry
yeah that's what addiction is you mad cunt no Do you think non-addictive people are not arsed about heroin?
It really takes up all of their focus.
Okay, but I've tried cocaine and didn't get addicted to it.
And I've tried weed and didn't get addicted to it.
Right, okay.
I've tried other stuff that I didn't get addicted to.
I've tried home renovations, didn't get addicted to that, did I?
Right, because it's not something to get addicted to.
You can get addicted to anything, did I? Right? Because it's not something to get addicted to. You can get addicted to anything.
But I haven't.
The stuff I've tried,
that someone with an addictive personality
would be addicted to.
No, no, no.
Because the idea that everyone
who's got an addictive personality
is all addicted to the same things
is just wrong.
There's some stuff that you can just,
it just doesn't fucking,
here's an example, right?
There are people who are addicted
to gaming right you you agree with that yeah now i have an addictive personality and i have tried
so hard to like gaming i've tried so much i've spent so much money to try and like gaming but
i just think it's gay i just don't like it i just i think sitting there i'm like oh i'm building a
town for my village i think it's just fucking pointless i'd love to love it i really would like
to lose hours in red dead redemption or something but i just i find it stupid i can't disassociate
myself from the fact that i'm sat at home like that i think it's rubbish but i've got an addictive personality and that's an addictive
thing it just doesn't hit my buttons right so if you're if it's not wrong but like yeah i just
think he's so if you're if your ct scan goes well and you're told right you can drink alcohol right
now like a pregnant mother who's just had a baby. I'm fucking on it, mate.
I'll do three shots
before I fucking leave.
Genuinely.
But what happens
if you get back there again?
Surely you're not
now happy
with it.
You're in a healthy state.
No.
You'd have to just
chop it all back down again.
No, I'm honestly
everyone's like,
yeah, but think
you don't get hangovers
and you've lost so much weight
and you're probably
so much healthier.
I want to get shit faced. I really want want to get shit i'd love for it to i'd honestly love to pretend like this was a different outcome but i fucking my my relationship with
alcohol is it's deeper and more complicated than i would have given it credit for. But I still want to indulge in it.
I fucking, I hate talking to people sober.
I hate having to live life sober.
It's good to have you in for this conversation today.
I hate fucking, I hate, every day starts and ends the same.
It's fucking boring, mate.
It's boring.
You'll find something to replace it with.
Yeah, well, the thing is, is nothing replaces that buzz quite the same do
you know what i mean there's a buzz that you get from drinking that's different to to anything i
tried gambling for a bit are you wanking oh so much i literally was anyway wasn't it yeah yeah
the fact it's not come off is is fucking amazing but there's no like i tried gambling right but
you can't after a long, you can't be like,
I wonder what women's tennis is on.
Like, it just doesn't, you know,
it just doesn't replicate it the same way.
So I'm really struggling.
So I gamble on other things.
Women's tennis isn't on the water bed.
Men's tennis.
I wonder what women's tennis is on.
Oh, there's no women's tennis on.
Time for bed.
Guess there's nothing to put our bed on. all those all spaces and all this fucking other sport it's not women's tennis
i don't get the same balls but getting a getting a bet on is a whoa kind of buzz do you know i mean
there's another thing i i'm not addicted to gambling either you you put bets on all the
time i put bets on every single week but i'm not addicted to it right don't put that on all the time. I put bets on every single week, but I'm not addicted to it.
Right.
Don't put a bet on this week.
Okay.
Don't put a bet on this week.
I don't think he's...
I'd know if he was.
But the fact that you're not doing it,
you'll be fine not doing it,
but it'll feel weird.
No, it won't,
because I often just forget to put a bet on.
Yeah.
You're not right there.
Oh, fair enough.
I know people who are addicted to gambling.
I used to be addicted to gambling,
and now I still gamble loads, but I'm a bit better. You're still addicted then, aren't you? What? You're still right there. Oh, fair enough. I know people who are addicted to gambling. Fair enough. I used to be addicted to gambling, and now I still gamble loads,
but I'm a bit better with it.
You're still addicted then, aren't you?
What?
You're still addicted then.
I'm better with it though.
I manage it.
Lies.
But I gamble loads of money.
I've got a bet on literally now as we speak.
I'm going to put a bet on the next law,
so you can touch me.
Oh, I've got a tip for you.
Please come and respond to me.
So I was coming back from Isle of Man on Thursday.
I was in the taxi.
I was in the taxi with a bloke who's part of a betting syndicate.
And his horse is running today.
It's called Rogue Encore, 6 p.m. at Kempton.
Okay.
So I've got some money on that.
There you go, ladies and gentlemen.
Have a check and see if that won in five days' time.
Oh, God.
It's going to come up on the screen, isn't it?
Last.
Dead.
Time for a break.
Press that button.
Hello, ladies and
gentlemen it's part two of three
yes it is
first ever I think maybe with a guest
yeah yeah that first section was
just so long because Freddy goes on
and we
decided that that was that was enough because we don't
want to give you
Hattie Preston's here
so Freddy we usually usually press a nice button
to welcome the guest.
Do you want to have a go?
Yeah.
Just pick one.
Yep.
That's the right one.
That's the real one.
Yes!
Well done.
Thanks!
Press it again, please.
Press it again.
You don't have to put your finger through it.
That's fine.
It's fine.
Oh, right.
You press it again.
Stop it.
Yep.
Okay.
This is going to be fun.
Thanks.
Who put me in charge of eight buttons?
You madman.
Ha!
What did that do?
There's not sound coming out.
I'm not losing my mind.
There is on there.
You've got it.
And the listener viewer can hear it as well.
Fine, I'm not just in like a fever dream.
This is fine.
And I don't wear them because I just don't.
I know, you don't need it.
My head gets hot.
Which one's the button for slurs?
What?
What?
Anyway, let's go.
Go on then.
That's the button.
So while you were out eating, what did you go and eat?
Italian food-ish.
She went to Bacardo.
So Hattie got here on time.
Yeah, I did.
Early.
Yeah, she did.
Which is really nice of her.
You know,
it would have been great
if we could all get back in time.
Yeah.
But you know,
you decided not to do that
and that's fine.
Me and Hattie were discussing
the fact that you have challenged me
to a charity boxing match.
Okay.
Hattie is-
You absolutely can't do
the charity boxing match.
Do you know that?
Okay.
She doesn't know.
No,
we walked,
Binti took us around
the new hot water
and he didn't get up the stairs.
What do you mean
I didn't get up the stairs? I walked around everywhere like a cat. No, you were like ainti took us round the new hot water and he didn't get up the stairs. What do you mean I didn't get up the stairs?
I walked around everywhere.
I was like a cat.
No, you were like a pug.
You were like...
We literally said that the second time today
that somebody has called me a pug.
You can't box.
But also, Freddie, you're a lover, not a fighter.
You don't fight people.
This is...
It's so true.
We did go to Baccaro
because Freddie was tired at the top of Castle Street.
Are we...
No, we didn't.
You went to the best restaurant in the city.
These are all lies.
These are all dirty lies.
Can I just, look, just for the viewers and listeners at home,
there is, apart from me, Hattie, and Freddie,
there is one, two, three, four, five, six other people
in this room right now.
Can we just have a show of hands?
All men.
How allowed?
Yeah, all men.
That was in my pre-podcast demands, though.
Could you just raise your hand?
Yeah, the only woman in here is flat-chested as fuck.
What's up?
Oh, fuck off, Freddie.
We can't all be gifted with succulent jujus.
Jujus?
Jujus.
Very contentious at the minute.
Get that on the button.
Could you just raise your hands if you think Freddie would beat me in a boxing match
you pay all of them
they're all going to pay me shit
they're going to suck your dick
can I ask do you want to do a charity boxing match
or do you want to punch Adam
both
it must be a decade ago now
closing in maybe 8 years
we did a charity boxing night in the Northeast to save a kid's life.
And he is still alive, so well done, mate.
That's the most Adam Rowe thing.
He is still alive, so well done, mate.
Not the doctors, not the surgeons, not the post.
The doctors weren't going to do anything until I punched Elliot Steele in the face.
Was he the kid you were boxing?
No.
If he was still alive, he'd not be the boxer.
That was his make-a-wish.
I just want Adam Rowe to touch me one time!
I'd be mad if he'd heard my name.
It was Elliot Steele.
Fuck, I'd give anything to punch Elliot Steele in the face.
It was a good time.
I have
challenged him to this in the past
but it just hasn't worked out
and now the reason
I don't want to do it
is because
I don't want to
I don't mind fighting Freddie.
I don't want to have
a murder on my hands.
No, I know.
You won't kill me.
You've got heart failure, Fred.
You nearly got killed
by a shower in Dublin.
Heart failure
is a broad term
that encompasses
lots of different
inaccuracies
with your heart.
I would enjoy to see,
if we did do it,
do you like it?
Let's do it for a charity.
Let's raise some money
for the British Art Foundation.
How about that?
You're doing a good thing.
Well, I've already got charity
work happening this year.
I'm raising money
for Zoe's Place.
Link here for my one.
Just put my one in.
We're cycling across India
for Zoe's Place.
You're going to cycle
across India?
All 450 kilometres, yeah.
Right, okay.
That's not going to happen.
Actually, I'd really like
to see Freddie do that.
I will.
How much money are you raising?
Freddie, we've paid
the deposits.
Yeah.
Can you do that one?
That's really funny.
I'm not cycling.
No, I'm not cycling
No, you should do that one. It's too hot. I'm not psyched. No, I'm not psyched across India. No, you should do that one.
It's too hot for a start.
We're going in November.
Oh, during the monsoon season.
Freddie will make an inspection.
We're swimming across India.
They could use you as a dinghy.
Go.
They could use you.
That's a lovely thing.
Or getting Freddie's ass.
Come on.
Oh, God.
I'll get that guy with a caved head.
You can jump in him.
Fred, have you donated to any of us going yet?
No.
I didn't know you were going until right now.
I haven't shared the link anywhere.
Do we have a link?
We've all got our own links, yeah.
All right.
Good for you guys.
But on top of that,
I'm also running the Palace Marathon.
I'm going to use that as part of my fundraising as well.
And this is also why we can't have a charity boxing match
because I'm capable of basic cardio.
No, I know, but I'll get it all done in round one.
Fine.
I'll get it all done in the first round.
I'll run away from you for a round.
I'll stay still.
Conserve my energy.
Done.
I can stand still for a round.
How fucked do you think I am?
Can you get into the room?
I'll use the ropes to lean on.
Can you get between the ropes?
I'll go underneath.
Could you crouch and be like, I'm getting through.
I'll slide underneath him like a snake. between the ropes? Could you do like, could you crouch and be like, I'm getting through.
I'll slide underneath them like a snake.
Snake having a stroke.
Fred, what will you put on the back of your shorts?
Cause you've usually got like a kid's name
or a wife's name.
What are you going for on the back of your shorts?
On the back of my shorts,
whichever sponsor would pay me the most money.
No, it's like an embroidered word usually.
I think you should put your tattoo on them.
Hattie.
You're the worst.
What tattoo?
I honestly,
I have nothing but nice things to say
about Hattie.
She's such a cunt.
Freddie has the worst
tattoo I've ever had
in my whole life.
Right.
You've got a tattoo.
I've got loads of tattoos
but the first tattoo
I ever had,
oh God. Hattie. The first tattoo I ever had... Oh, God.
Hattie!
The first tattoo I ever had...
I love you.
I don't know what it is yet.
Even more in a minute.
I decided, for some reason,
that it would be a good idea to get quotes on my feet.
And I thought that it would be quite meaningful
to have my feet covered in quotes.
And I decided to do this once and the quote that i
it's it's a latin phrase that i got on my foot and it's the first tattoo i ever got
and it's latin what does it say in latin it says what's the latin the latin is
faber eschige fortune sway and it means every man is the architect of his own fortunes Latin is Faber, Eschiger, Fortuna, Sway.
And it means?
Every man is the architect of his own fortunes.
You fucking gimp.
Yeah, I know.
I know.
I know.
And when you're doing a gig for £150 in Wigan,
you look at your fucking foot and you're like, yeah,
this is where I'm at.
Put my shoes on.
It's got boredom, mate.
£150 gigs in fucking Wigan. Here got my shoes on. Put my shoes on. It's got boredom, mate. I've made 150 quid gigs in fucking Wigan.
Here's my favourite thing.
It's my favourite thing that you started the first half of your life as like the most earnest person in the whole world
who took everything desperately seriously and put Latin on your feet
and then you spent the second half like this.
Mate, I'm so...
I remember how much of a wanker you were, actually.
Do you remember when we first like started being mates and that i always
liked you yeah no i know but what i mean is what i mean is like you used to be like all like you've
gone like the way you or like the way you want to do comedy now is the way you want to do comedy
like you do the type of stuff you want to do and you're working for you yeah but you were like
trying to be like a daniel kitson wanker for a bit,
weren't you?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Because you thought that was the way to do it.
Yeah.
What was the name of that Edinburgh show you were going to do?
It was like a really like.
Oh, no, I was never going to do it as an Edinburgh show.
It's just when you do.
No, you told me the title of an Edinburgh show and you were like,
I've got to go.
I remember you saying me,
I've got to go for the highest echelon of Edinburgh show I can manage because that's how I'll get noticed.
Was it, I need to buy shoes?
I said that.
There's literally no way.
When do I ever say I'm going to go for the highest echelon?
Not anymore.
The highest echelon.
Because you're not a cunt anymore.
Well, not the same type.
Did you do it?
Did you get it done?
Did you get Highbrow Edinburgh done?
I've never taken a show to Edinburgh.
No.
I'm going to this year
because I'm going to tour this year
and I'm going to go up for half
just to get a really good show
out the back of it.
It was like,
it was like one of those words.
I can't even remember what it is.
Like, it was that
and I don't,
in my head,
I never planned to call it that.
It's just I had to do previews
and so I just wanted to call it something.
What was the word?
I can't remember.
Echelon.
Because I've never heard you use that word. So that exactly that's not a freddie quinn word is it
echelon no it is though you had an english teacher you know all the words yeah no but i don't use
them i just have them in my back pocket as weapons what's your favorite way of oh my why are we doing
this i i i'm at the moment come here i'm really'm really like, since I got sober, I'm really struggling to have normal human conversations with people.
Are we saying you've got sober now?
Yeah.
Because for the longest time you wouldn't ever say,
so are you saying you've got sober?
I have to.
Or you're on the naughty step.
Okay, fine.
Mate, I fucking, I've always been socially awkward,
but I've been able to mask that with alcohol.
Yeah.
But now I just fucking,
I just feel stupid things fall out my mouth.
And in the past, whereas I was pissed and i didn't give a shit now i just have to fucking live with them inside my
head forever no but that's a nightmare because i so i was shit-faced on sunday when me and freddie
were doing the roast and my nightmare is that i never black out like i would give anything to be
someone who blacks out so i say stupid stuff and then i get to replay it all the next day
honestly they're like i black out all the
time do you actually like full like gaps in your memory gaps in your night i can't remember the
last time i drank like properly and didn't have some gas jesus yeah that's fun it is but is the
thing the like the anxiety of what did i say and what did I do
is so much worse than anything you've ever done or said.
But then I get to replay mine all the next day.
You know that fella who I went-
Yeah, but imagine-
But then I just can't.
You know what it is.
Imagine not knowing what it is and your brain going to you,
here's what you might have said.
What's the bit, the bit of social interaction
that you replay in your head over and over and over again? Well, you know that fella. What's the bit, the bit of social interaction that you replay in your head
over and over and over again?
Well, you know that little,
that fella on Sunday,
the roast,
I apologise.
I sent him an Instagram message
the next day and apologised.
Did you?
Yeah.
I felt that bad.
What did you do to this man?
She nearly made him cry.
Not like you.
Oh dear.
Don't leave him, Micah. Don't leave him, Micah.
Don't leave him, Micah.
Don't leave him.
Listen.
You thought that was going to be it?
Listen, I haven't said before, Freddl's had like two things.
He goes, fuck you.
Listen, is it in my wheelhouse that men happen to cry around me?
Yeah, it is.
I'm still at a loss to how this happens, sure.
What did you do to the rogues, man?
Well, he's a newer comic, isn't he?
And I just got the hump.
I just got the, like, I didn't like him,
and he said something weird, and I just fucking, like,
it's like the whole world goes quiet,
and I just tunnel vision.
It's why I've always said I think I could murder.
Like, I actually think I'm capable of murder,
because when I get that angry, everything goes quiet, and you just lock in. It's why I've always said, I think I could murder. Like, I actually think I'm capable of murder because when I get that angry, everything goes quiet
and you just lock in.
You're like, he's done.
He's done.
I remember at one point you said to him,
you love it when virgins think they can talk.
I remember at one point you said
that he should absolutely kill himself
and you were being completely serious.
Okay.
The one that got played back to me was not that bad. The one that got played back to me was not that bad.
The one that got played back to me was,
you look like you smell like Watsits.
And the other one was,
you look like you're simultaneously going through chemo
and donating your hair to Little Princess Trust.
Yeah.
Is the other one.
Yeah.
Oh, dear.
And this was just a...
Was that a Freddy?
Just a Sunday.
It was just a Sunday at Hot Water.
I'd been for a Sunday roast.
I'd had a lovely day.
Like, I was really happy. See, I'm don't i don't just the abuse that i spout at people i don't care about the
things that replay back into my head yeah are the bits where i've just kind of got social
interaction a bit wrong okay like there's a bit where i used to live um outside like an apartment
block why did you live outside it there was a what sorry why did you live outside it on the streets i used to live in an apartment block
i used to live i used to live inside an apartment block and outside of the apartment block occasionally
there'd be an old woman that smoked roll-ups and we'd met we'd exchange pleasantries
and uh one time i'd been to get a chinese takeaway and it was in a big one time yeah
and i was i was really excited about the fact that i got to eat chinese takeaways my favorite
takeaway and all i could think of in my head is i'm going to get to eat chinese food in a minute
and so when she instigated... Can you imagine his head? Chinese food, Chinese food, Chinese food.
That's what was going on.
You're the fattest person on the planet.
You're so consumed with what happened in there.
That's all it's on you.
Chinese food, Chinese food, Chinese food.
So listen to this, right?
Go on, say it.
So all I can think of...
Next year, you're like, she doesn't know no exactly so she
she instigated conversation with me and she went you're right love and i panicked held up the bag
and went i've got a full chinese in here food you said food what is a full chinese it doesn't even
make sense i just held it up and went i've got a full chinese in here and she went right and i went yeah and then i left and then that was it and that replays in
my mind all the time the homeless friendly woman's like he's mental oh there's another one as well
glad i don't live in these there's another one as well right i went i was in a pub right i was
getting a round of drinks and it was in this nice place. I can't remember where it was, but I was getting three drinks.
It was two pints and like a Coke because I wasn't drinking.
So I'm talking to the barman, right?
And it's an old historic pub
and he's talking about the history
and the area and stuff.
And I'm chatting to him.
I'm like, okay, all right then.
And I'm confident because I'm like,
oh, I'm holding up this conversation quite well.
And then he gives me my drinks
and he goes, do you need a tray? And I went, no, I don't need a tray. I'm like, oh, I'm holding up this conversation quite well. And then he gives me my drinks and he goes, do you need a tray?
And I went, no, I don't need a tray.
I'm old school.
Oh, no.
And he just, he looked at me like, what?
I'm from a pre-tray era.
Oh, Lordy, here he comes with his fancy flat things
for carrying drinks.
I'll have my owl take him over to the table.
What were you doing?
I'm going to remember that now.
Yeah.
He looked at me.
Am I old school?
I'm old school.
He looked at me like.
I'd rather drop it on the floor and buy another one.
It was horrific.
And they haunt you to this day?
What, sorry?
They haunt you.
Those are the things that haunt you
The full Chinese haunts me every day
Full Chinese?
I've got a full Chinese
You can't say that a full Chinese
Haunts you every day
The way she looked at me
Clip it
Was just with such bafflement
Hunger
Have you never had a conversation
Before ever?
Was she homeless?
What sorry?
Was she homeless?
No she lived in the apartment
Oh could that be a flex
Yeah
You're never having this woman That man who's always outside Walking around with a Chinese No, she lived in the apartment. Oh, because that'd be a flex, wouldn't it?
You're never having this, woman.
That man who's always outside walking around with a Chinese.
In a bag.
Full Chinese, yeah.
I'm old school.
Put them together.
What do you reckon is the stupidest thing
you've ever done to impress a woman?
I know.
You know?
No. Wait, what? I didn to impress a woman? I know. You know? No.
Wait, what?
I didn't realise that you said you know, like I've done something.
No, no, no, no, you haven't, you've never.
Go on.
What do you think it is?
What do I think the stupidest thing I've ever done to impress a woman is?
Ever tried to break a world record or anything?
Wait, wait, wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Have you ever tried?
Wait, wait, wait.
Have you ever tried?
First of all, can we just check?
Have you ever tried to impress a woman?
Oh.
We haven't set up the context.
Do you understand what that is?
I'm really scared that I don't know what's going on.
You've tried to break a world record for a woman and failed.
Me?
Yes, you.
When?
I remember when you tried to break the world record
for eating a large Big Mac meal.
Oh, that wasn't for eating a large Big Mac meal.
Oh, that wasn't for her, that was for me.
Because I'm the architect of my own fortune.
You did not, Freddie Freddie you did not
try and break
a world record
for eating a Big Mac
to impress yourself
You didn't
Do you know what
it's four o'clock
in the morning
it's Christmas
it's time to
take something
off the bucket list
Can that be
your charity match
against Adam
I
yeah
I
I
there's
sometimes there's things in my life where I go,
I think I could do that.
And I just,
I wanted to try and push that.
It's no different to you and running.
What was the record?
I would argue that it's the opposite.
Well,
so I think the world record of eating a Big Mac or a Big Mac meal is
something doable,
like two and a half minutes,
but I don't know off the top of my head.
It isn't doable because you didn't do it.
Well, yeah, I know, but you think it's doable.
It's like when they say, oh, you can't eat four digestives in five minutes.
And you get halfway through one and it's like eating dust.
It's like it's impossible.
That is true.
He is right.
Have you found the world record?
Under one minute.
It must have been beaten.
There you go.
It was doable. That must have been beaten. There you go. It was doable.
That could have been me.
Let's do it right now.
Let's do it right now.
What did the woman say, Fred, when you tried?
I can't remember.
I was drunk and her opinion didn't matter.
And also he was focused on making himself proud.
I wasn't bothered about impressing her.
I was bothered about trying to do something.
Did she leave?
Did she just go fuck you i can't
remember i was not a big guy's house i'm not i i'm speculating that he was trying to impress a woman
i just wanted to bring him to the fact he tried to do that at four o'clock in the morning
and it failed oh i wish i knew more stories about you hattie have you ever done anything
mental to impress a guy well yeah i well yeah i did do this one thing so i shagged my first working class uh like
years ago and well yeah listen you've all got to do what you want and and i and i did and i i was
so i was so i didn't really know how to play it because i was used to like middle class kind of
kucky boys from the south and this one was like he like fuck it like i yeah it was great and
i remember turning up and he'd asked me to go into his,
which was in like Northest, Northest London,
which I truly did not know existed.
And I got an Uber all the way there.
I'd run home from a night out,
shaved my legs because I fancied him so much.
Waxed, I mean, literally everything.
Got an Uber.
You had?
Yeah, pretty much.
I think I had no eyebrows.
Like I fucking went for it.
And he was really into otters.
And I was like, slipped over to his house.
From the bottom of London to the top of London.
And on the way over, I psyched myself out.
Because I was like, fuck, fuck, you've lost all your power.
You've given away all your power.
Like you some fucking little stupid bitch who just ran home and shaved her legs and shaved everything.
And now you're going to his house.
And I was like, Hattie, come on.
Like, come on.
And I literally, he was sat on the bonnet
of his car when i got there and i got out the car mid-ramp like i got out mid-ramp being like
and if you think i'm here because you said you wanted me you got another thing i'm here because
i want to be here because i decided that i want to be this this is not because like full just the
whole and he just sat there and watched and then went babe i've got an uber from yours
three times less of that this guy's a fucking baller i love that freddie i fucking slipped
out of you but like i was and not just because i waxed everything i was like i would have married
him in that moment and that's when i realized like i think that's the perfect definition of
middle class like if being taken down a notch is a fetish do you know what i mean like i was
i was putting yourself at such a ridiculous i was his for life and all it took and he was the guy perfect definition of middle class. Like, if being taken down a notch is a fetish. Do you know what I mean? Like, I was...
You put yourself at such a ridiculous notch.
I was his for life and all it took.
And he was the guy who turned around to me once and said,
I'm going to fuck you so hard,
your grandkids are going to feel it.
And I, like, I was in.
I would have married him.
I'd in.
Emotionally?
Yeah, I don't know.
But he did.
I mean, all of it.
I just, that was...
It's going to be really awful one day
when one of your grandchildren are walking around
and they're just like,
I feel like I've just been hit.
I just feel like I've been thumped in the head
with a dick
noticeably a North London
dick that
Theodore
why are you walking so funny
did he have a good willy
yeah he
he knew what to do with it
working class dick's the best
working class dick is
because they know how to put a shift in
is it Fred
yeah
yeah absolutely
I
I shag exactly how it looks
like I shag
what in McDonald's mate if I can eat that big imagine what I can do Yeah, absolutely. I shag exactly how it looks like I shag.
What?
In McDonald's?
Mate, if I can eat that big,
imagine what I can do down there.
You know what I'm saying?
What you didn't?
No, but imagine what I could.
Yeah, because I was full, I couldn't.
I had no room for apple pie.
Working class shags are the best.
Yeah, they are. Because lads know how to put a shift in.
I know.
What you don't want is sensitivity.
No, you do not.
You don't want, oh, babe.
You just want someone to go, I'm going to get on with this
and you can just enjoy it as best you can.
That's nice, Freddie.
That's really nice.
That should be in the name of your Edinburgh special.
You just enjoy this as best you can.
Is that what you would say to a middle-class lady?
I'm like a bird going through a picnic basket.
I'm just all fucking...
Do you know what I mean?
Just going for it.
Or getting chased by the authorities.
Ruining family days out.
Sneaking and getting shooed away.
Oh, wait.
No.
Shooing bears away.
Hey! Sneaking and getting shooed away. Oh, wait. No. Shooing bears away.
Hey.
I don't know if I've ever done anything like that.
Freddy's metaphors, love.
I'm like a bird going through a picnic basket.
That's how I fuck.
No one wants me there. No one wants me there.
I mean, that's been my experience pretty much.
Shit on a rug and leave.
I'd love to see you have sex, Freddie.
And I mean that from the bottom of my heart.
Well, tune in to next month's Patreon.
Can you imagine if that was the third section of this?
Huh?
Freddie having sex.
You have to imagine that because there's no matter.
That's one way to get demonetised, isn't it?
Well, for that that Hattie
Yeah listen
It's been a minute
Bring someone fit
Okay can I
What are the times
She's going to roast you
She's going to tear you down today
She can try
She can
No this is on me
Actually this one
It was a fun time
We were out for
It was Ishan's special in London
Oh yeah
Here we go
It was Ishan's special in London
And we'd gone for dinner just before the party,
and I'd come from a gig, Freddie had come from a gig,
and just before we'd have to go to Ishan's,
I changed my top because I was really feeling myself,
and changed my top, went in.
It was a real low one, like real low.
She was fucking feeling herself that day.
Came back out, and Freddie, quick as a flash,
was like, have you changed your top?
I was like, yes.
I mean, yes, I've changed my top. And he was like have you uh you changed your top i was like yes i mean yes i've changed
my top and he was like god you look gorgeous and i was like thanks freddie that's so nice he was
like imagine if you actually had tits he does that's exactly what i said and so instead it's
been like a non-stop trolling we started doing this thing freddie is actually despite the fact
he's a horrid boy to everyone else,
he's a very lovely boy to me.
And I was doing a drive a little while ago that I wasn't happy about.
It was really windy and it was just horrible.
And so he sat on the phone with me for two hours on the way to Leeds.
And, well, hell, wherever.
And I was like, Freddie, I'm actually really not happy.
I was like, there's big lorries everywhere.
Like, what do I do?
Am I behind the lorry?
Do I want to go next to the lorry?
Do I want to be sort of wind swept in between the lorries?
And he was like, imagine if they actually did crash into you
and it crashed onto your car,
but you got decapitated in the crash
and then the police had to identify your body
and all they had was body of a 12-year-old boy found
just outside.
So it's just been this constant thing
every time we're chatting in the car now.
It's like, imagine if you got decapitated
and the police had to identify.
Have you spoke to Freddie before?
Because that sounds like Alex Turner.
Bolly ever swell, you know.
I can't wait until, because we go to Isle of Man.
Oh, we do.
And I'm getting, yeah.
I've only just started going back though.
It's such a special place. Hattie's really excited because she's going to get railed. I'm getting, yeah. I've only just started going back, though. It's such a special place.
Hattie's really excited because she's going to get railed.
I'm getting railed by a whole football team.
Because this is mainland puss.
Do you know what I mean?
This is, you know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What?
Is this all ready to tackle?
A guy slid into my DMs after a gig in Manchester,
and he was like, oh, we really like you said tonight.
Sorry we're a bit rowdy.
We don't really get much comedy on the Isle of Man.
I was like, I think you have a comedy.
I was like, I'm pretty sure Freddie's taking me there
in a couple of months.
And he was like, oh, great.
Yeah, cool.
Bring the whole football team with me this time.
I was like, oh my God.
Are you going to fuck them all?
Pardon?
Are you going to fuck them all?
I figure, like once there, do you know what I mean?
Like, it's like my make a wish to them, you know?
Hang on, it's your make a wish or their make a wish?
Wait, no, it's their make a wish.
Who's wishing?
So no, this is my Zoe's house. You you know this is my giving back to the community hattie's cunt
raising money for hattie's cunt hattie's cunt i fuck football teams for them can you imagine
in the isle of man what a story we went to I went to the Isle of Man once with Jamie Hutchinson
and Phil Chapman, right?
And we were doing some shows.
He's gigging, or?
At the, yeah.
I hope so.
It's the last Valentine's Day.
We were doing,
it's, I love the Isle of Man.
It's a weird place.
It's fucking shit.
It's really fucking weird.
Yes.
Yes.
Yeah, but I've got to keep going back.
So I go, I love it.
I love it.
Anyway, we're going up we're
doing some thing like a festival at the top of the island and the guy who's driving us around
the lovely little bloke called neil who's showing us around he said it's quite remote so just so
you were aware which is code for there ain't fucking nothing up there to get some get some
snacks in now like if you eat drinks and snacks and stuff yeah we stopped and we're driving up
there and then on the way there we're going up the tt course and he he points to a pub in the
middle of nowhere and he goes that pub's quite nice if you want to grab some food we went all
right okay yeah so we go in this pub and it's an old pub and there's literally just our table me
jamie his girlfriend phil chapman and neil on the island and a couple of old women in the corner
that's it we're eating the food. Taxi driver.
At the end,
at the end,
he goes,
some young lad comes up to pay the bill and he goes,
he looks at Jamie and he goes,
you're a,
you're a comedian, aren't you?
I recognise you.
And Jamie's like,
yeah, yeah.
He goes,
do you want to,
do you want to see the balcony?
Oh my God.
Jamie goes,
what?
And he goes,
look,
he goes, all it's a, all it it's a that's what i call my dick the balcony it could be a threat because there's plenty of outdoor space of a ledge on my car
it's only ever got depressed women on and they want to get off yeah
nothing you see before you die it couple of balls he murdered though quickly
so he goes he goes he goes do you want to see the balcony and then we're like what yes he goes
he goes look he goes i'm gonna have to okay it with my boss because it's a famous it's a famous
balcony and we don't just show it anybody and so he goes away sees his boss and he goes right
i've been cleared to be able to take you up so we all go up and he goes away, sees his boss and he goes, right, I've been cleared to be able to
take you up. So we all go up and he goes, whoa, whoa, whoa, just Jamie. And we all go, come on.
Oh my God, Jamie.
Come on, let me see the balcony. And he was like, oh, I shouldn't, but all right. We go up,
we walk to the end of the room and there is what I can only describe as a small,
incredibly average balcony, just overlooking the road that we were just on, right?
And the thing is, is when someone tells you
that it's a famous balcony and then they show you that
and it's just a normal balcony, you don't know how to react.
So we were all like, ooh, wow, yeah, that's good, wow.
And he goes, yeah, he goes, I know it doesn't look like much,
but during TT time, this is the place everyone wants to be what the fuck is we're
like the island not not racing tt so then you just have a stutter no no no t t t t t t t t t t t t t
time what is tt the tt the isle of man right it's motorbike racing it's the most famous thing in the
isle of man oh i'm sorry i'm not off of my, I love my own shit. There's nothing else there.
So anyway, we're on the balcony.
We're like, nice one.
And he goes, oh, whoa, whoa, before you go,
can we get a picture?
And we were like, yeah.
He goes, oh no, just of Jamie on the balcony.
And so Jamie has to stand there like this
and they take a picture of him on the balcony.
And then the lad goes, oh, that'll look good on the wall.
And he turns and shows us
and there's dozens of photos
all in black and white
of like the most Z-list celebrities known.
Like Simon from Blue.
Do you know what I mean?
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'd take Simon from Blue on a balcony.
That's a huge nab.
Play for me, play for me.
Don't need somebody.
All on this balcony.
You know, like in an Italian restaurant
in like the city centre
where they have
weird footballers
you know
Ali Sissoko
ate here once
you're like
no one gives a fuck
mate
the best one of them
is Cat's Deli
in New York
like the pictures
on Cat's Deli
in New York
are unbelievable
do you know
when I was in
the Isle of Man
last year with you
and Thomas
I got back
to my hotel room
and I had a DM
off a girl
and she was like
I've just seen you in the Isle of Man why are you in the Isle of Man and I was like I've just had a dm off a a girl and she was like i've just seen you in the isle of man
why are you in the isle of man and i was like oh i've just had a show here why she's like oh i
would have come if i'd known um where are you staying and i just looked on her profile and
she looked dead young and i was like you look about 16 and she was like that doesn't matter
here just sent to your profile and blocked her. God. You should tell
Chris D'Elia that.
That's right up his street.
The Island Man's
got a weird aura though.
What?
Weird aura?
Yeah.
Thank you.
Yeah, it does.
You wondered how
that chat got started.
Exactly.
That was just
irresistible to Teen Puss
but there we go.
Teen Puss!
Is that the closest you've ever come to being on a sports team?
On the team.
On the team, Puss.
Oh, Puss Boss.
Break time.
Please.
Hello.
It's part three of four.
No, part four of three.
It's part four of three. It's part four of three.
It's the last bit.
Part four of the three parts.
I was doing a joke there, wasn't I?
Because the maths doesn't work.
You said something really stupid.
You've not said it directly to me,
but we were talking about it at lunch and it made me hate you so much.
You said that Luke Combs
is one of the most famous people in the world.
Yeah.
And it's... He said 70% of people in the public now are Torrio.
That's insane.
That's what we said.
That is literally insane.
If you walk down the street,
if Luke Combs walked down the street right now,
people would go, oh my God, it's Rag and Bone Man.
That's how not famous he is.
That's you.
Yeah, I get that so much to be fair.
He's selling out stadiums all over the world.
He's not one of the most famous people though.
He's not. I don't think he is, Adam. I'm really sorry. And I really want you to be fair. He's selling out stadiums all over the world. He's not one of the most famous people, though. He's not.
I don't think he is, Adam.
I'm really sorry.
And I really want you to be right.
He's successful.
I just don't think he is.
Like, versus Beyonce.
Do you know what I mean?
Like, it's...
No.
I don't think he is.
By the way, Beyonce dropped a country song yesterday.
She fucking did.
She's shite.
That's why.
Carl hates Beyonce and country music.
It's like his voice.
I hate her fans more than anything.
Beehive unbelievable
you don't want to say that
on a podcast
you're done him
oh I love them
oh my god
Andre Ryu
sells out arenas
if he walked in here
and I was to have a shite
you would know who he was
who's that
exactly
the guy with the violin
he sells out arenas
means fuck
who is
there's no arena level violinist
there is
there isn't
there is
there isn't
stop it
maybe he's in a fucking,
maybe he's like in Busted or something
and they do it.
Is it just him and a violin?
He's not like with a bigger band.
But no one's going to an arena
to watch one come with a violin.
One guy with a violin.
Yes, they are.
Andre, were you?
He could be in yours
and you go, who's he?
They're not.
He's not doing a Super Bowl.
Sorry, has no one else hung up
about just one guy and a violin?
He's doing two nights at Wembley Arena.
There you go.
He isn't. He is. You can't just saybley Arena. There you go. He isn't.
He is.
You can't just say he isn't.
Who's he with?
No one.
It's under you.
Shut up.
No one just wants to hit a violin.
He has like an orchestra with him,
but it's him.
Right, okay, that's my question.
He's the guy.
Luke Combs doesn't just walk out on his own.
No, no, no, no, no.
But they're not going
because they're like,
I want to hear the violin.
They're going because that's like
the biggest orchestra thing in the world.
Or is he hitting some bangers
that they already know?
None of you know who he is
and he's doing the same thing as Luke Holmes
and you think he's one of the most famous people
in the world?
I didn't say that phrase, by the way.
Let me...
I reject that.
Let me just take this slightly to a different bit.
Who do you think is the most famous person
on the planet?
Right now.
Taylor Swift.
I don't think Taylor Swift.
I think The Rock. The Rock's up there. I think Dway the planet. Right now. Taylor Swift. I don't think Taylor Swift. I think The Rock.
The Rock's up there.
I think Dwayne Johnson.
Barack Obama.
Barack Obama's a shout.
Mr. Beast, I think, is a shout.
Kanye West.
No way.
No way.
Mr. Beast is too niche.
Anyone over 60 has no idea who that is.
Kanye West.
Andrew Tate.
No.
No.
Kanye might be up there.
I think The Rock.
Kanye is.
I think The Rock is more famous than
Trump
Trump is a shout
it's probably Donald Trump
Trump yeah
everyone knows
no matter what your age is
but I would say
like musician wise
it's Taylor Swift
yeah
yeah but overall
I think the rock
is more famous
than Taylor Swift
it's close
it's close
it is close
it is close
but it is Trump by probably a distance, actually.
Let us know in the comments, guys.
Who do you think is the most famous?
Who is the most famous person in the world?
Trump could fill an arena.
Trump.
Just with one violin.
He'd go.
He'd absolutely go.
Now, that would be a country album.
Holy crap.
That would be a country album.
I think Beyonce's going to drop a country album.
You know that she is
no I didn't
it's literally what she is
yeah yeah
oh
I just thought that was
just a single
no I love that you predicted
actual news
yeah yeah
no she is
she is dropping a country album
I think she's going to
drop a country album
in the morning
oh just getting
breaking news
yeah no very much
so that's what she's doing
is it called
Texas Hold'em
that's the song
that's the song yeah That's the song.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's shite.
I can't believe you guys
are sitting here
pissing off the beehive
of a Wednesday.
Are all your fans
a little mings?
No, they're not.
What's the beehive?
That's her fan base
and you don't want
to fuck with them.
The beehive.
Yeah, you don't want to.
Hey, beehive.
You're all stupid cunts.
Beehive yourself.
I'm from Birmingham now.
We're Swifties anyway,
so Swifties win. We're going to see Taylor Swift at Anfield. Are you? Yeah yourself. I'm from Birmingham now. We're Swifties anyway, so Swifties win.
We're going to see Taylor Swift at Anfield.
Are you?
Yeah,
and I'm just as excited about Paramore actually.
Correct,
yeah.
Oh my God,
good opener.
Have they cancelled?
No.
Oh,
I thought Paramore had cancelled
and it made me upset.
If it's not Paramore,
it better be Luke Combs.
The last concert I went to.
I think it should be Jane McDonald.
I think she should go rogue.
Do you know what I mean?
Just be like,
yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's what we want.
Just give an agony answer.
Oh, no.
Jane McDonald is up there like giving her Celine.
Do you know what I mean?
Yes.
That's all I want.
Agony, you say?
Whoa.
We are about to do some advice.
Yes.
Why did you stop it then?
Why did you stop it?
Turn it up.
I can't do everything right.
Now, turn it up a little bit.
On the end.
On the end.
Yeah, keep going.
I'll solve your problem.
Oh, right.
I can't hear it, can I?
So I have no idea.
I know, but we'll tell you when.
There's headphones there.
I could hear it.
I've got bad hearing.
Oh, you can't have everything bad.
Freddie, does anything work about you?
Anything?
Anything.
I've got a question.
Freddie, what is your favourite part of you my favorite part of
me yeah just delusions and it can't be like mentally it means like physical yeah i just
stand still got a great dick i don't believe you what i don't believe you no No, that's a lie. It's horrible. It's like a camel.
It's like a camel. It looks like a sad dolphin.
It's full of water.
Sad dolphin.
Yeah, just sort of...
What's your favourite thing about yourself?
What's your favourite bit then?
Come on, everyone's got one.
I don't really have anything.
I'm not built like that.
I don't think like that.
You have lovely breasts.
It makes me sad.
I don't think like I have favourite bits about myself.
It makes me sad.
I just exist.
No, Freddie, no, I won't take that.
No, I'm not having
this stupid
Bozzy positive.
You're going to do
body positive.
You're right,
he's got lovely ears, actually.
And actually,
your beard isn't disgusting.
I'm quite thinking,
I think like,
do you know what I mean?
No, no,
but it's important we say that
because a lot of people
can't keep their beards.
That's the second best thing
about me,
according to Hattie,
because it isn't disgusting
it isn't disgusting
this is why I didn't want
to have this chat
because this is just
no it is lovely
that infers everything else is
that is
it's not disgusting is it
he's done really well on that
and I think
I actually think you suit
not having hair
on top of your head as well
I think you really do
you've got a lovely shaped head
I'm out
yeah you're done
we've finished
it's time for advice lovely ears bald not a disgusting beard i know this isn't this isn't why i do body positivity
i don't do fucking happiness i just i just live day to day and things happen and then you go to
sleep stop making everything sad can we do that you wake up and then there's a series of events that you
get through and then that's it.
Nothing else. You don't need to attach emotion
to everything. Stop it. You love your dog. That's not
a euphemism. He has a dog. You love your dog. I do love my
dog. Yeah, that's nice. That's correct. But I mean
you don't need to attach emotion to everything.
You can just have a body that you don't
feel anything about. It isn't disgusting.
What's your favourite thing about yourself?
My hair. You have a lovely hair. Thank you very much,
Carl. You too. You've got really lovely hair. I just want you to know
that. Yeah, it's my hair.
Thank you. That's me done.
I had to go for an hour.
What's yours?
Oh, you'll never stop.
You'll never stop listing things.
If I'm having a good cock day,
then I like me cock. Do you know when you're
going to have a good cock day? Is it like a good hair day where sometimes you just wake up and you're like, oh my god! Or do you always do you know what to do to get a good cock day. Then I like me cock. Do you know when you're going to have a good cock day? Is it like a good hair day where sometimes you just wake up
and you're like, oh my God.
Or do you always, do you know what to do to get a good cock day?
No, it's a surprise.
And then like, I'll get out the shower and I'll have a little look on the mirror.
I'm like, woohoo.
Or like, I'll just feel a bit lumpier than normal.
Like a camel.
A lot of women.
Right.
A lot of women compliment me eyelashes and me nose.
Apparently I've got a really cute nose.
Yeah, you do.
And you have lovely, you have like cow eyelashes.
They lick up.
That's great, Adam.
Okay, Finn.
Come on, Finn.
Hands.
Yeah, you've seen his hands.
Show her the finger.
Bosh.
Huge finger.
He can write his initials in tomorrow's shite, Hattie.
That's amazing. How long have you been sitting on that can i ask finn is it is it just one side but both hands is the middle finger the same
oh no this is why you two are so happy at that desk Carl
is yours your hair
my hair be big
yeah
it's good
I like my arse
I want a big fat arse
I'm still kind of
intrigued about
good cock days
your cock's not the same
every day is it
it's a bit chubby
it's pretty much
it's consistent
it's always
I don't have
I don't have
I don't have good cock days
I have good jizz days
oh god
I go that was that was more than usual I feel told I've got nice taste and cum I don't have good cocktails. I have good jizz days. Oh, God.
I go, that was more than usual.
I've been told I've got nice taste and cum.
Like by three different people.
Oh, Jesus.
I can't.
All women.
I don't know why I said people. Okay.
Right.
No, we don't.
You can't be confused about Adam's good cocktail
and then not.
What is good jizz day?
Like loads comes out.
No, not loads.
Like a bit more than usual. And you go bloody hell that's I do know what he means
I do some orgasms are better than others yeah yeah and there's no rhyme and reason to it either
because sometimes you think if I leave this a couple of days let it back up you know sometimes
it's shit still you are sometimes yeah sometimes the length doesn't necessarily yeah yeah yeah
right okay sometimes my fourth daily wank's the best.
But then it's more to clean up.
Well, sorry.
Then surely when you're wanking,
you want as little amount as possible.
Come on your belly, rub it in,
an hour later, peel it off in the bin.
Fanny just rolls around the floor,
picks up hair with it.
That's how he does the hoovering.
I just stroke me dog.
Oh, what, and then cuming. I just stroke my dog. Oh, what?
And then come?
Yeah, just in the come.
I just...
When he calls,
Wanker...
I said he liked his dog.
He didn't really say
he liked his dog that much.
Taking the dog for a walk.
Oh, good.
God, my dog's produced
a lot of jism today.
I said jim.
Fucked it up.
Right, advice.
Should we give some advice?
Agony Adam. Agony Adam. Oh oh we're doing it again yeah you tell
me when to stop stop you still can't hear remember because it's that'll do well thanks so this one is
from molly white agony adam how do i get my fiance to help me plan a wedding me the bride did not
want a wedding i wanted to get eloped at gretna with parents and grandparents my future husband
vetoed that and said he wanted a big wedding.
Now we're planning a big wedding with 50 day guests and up to 100 evening guests.
I'm struggling as I'm not a planner, but whenever I suggest anything, he has no opinions.
Then he got drunk with his friends, came home to tell me that he said he wants no say in planning because it should be the bride's dream day.
He was then offended when i said it's
clearly not my dream day because i never wanted a wedding he's still refusing to help plan even
though we only originally had seven months to plan help me i don't have the time to plan i work long
hours and he has loads of free time he's suspended this definitely sounds like a guy to marry doesn't
he's suspended from work school right. Do you know what it is?
He's heard her go,
I don't really want a massive wedding.
I just want to get eloped in Gretna or whatever.
And in his head, he's gone,
no, she doesn't.
She wants a big wedding.
And so he's gone.
Because women lie.
What?
Because women lie.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Famously lie.
Oh, no, babe, we're having a big wedding.
And he thinks that the more you plan it,
the more you'll get into it.
Because he didn't want to fucking do it.
And you're just like, no.
I'm going to Venice tomorrow.
No, he's getting pressure from his mum.
100% that's a fellow who's getting pressure from his mum.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's usually grooms' mums who are a nightmare
because they know they don't technically,
they're not on the planning committee
because it's a girl thing.
So it's the groom's mum is usually a thing.
We're going to Venice tomorrow to plan a wedding.
Yeah.
Are you?
To plan it?
Yeah, to find the places we're going to do it and stuff.
Okay, I was going to say,
it would be amazing if you went to plan it in Venice
and then had it in Bootle.
That'd be so, like,
that'd be such a fucking kick in the tits.
You know what I mean?
Like, I brought you here for the meeting,
but don't get excited.
If I was, like,
if I was at the point
where I was getting married with someone
and they were like,
I just want a small wedding,
like let's elope to Gretna with our parents and just do it there,
I'd be like, cool, but then we are having a big party.
Yeah.
Like we've got to have a party,
even if you don't want to do it that way.
But I mean, if he's sort of gone, no, we're doing a big wedding,
you've got to show him this, it's on him.
He's got to just him he's got to
just he's got a leader never mind like get involved p.s if this is how he's being about
planning a wedding wait till you have your first child congratulations enjoy being a single married
mother yeah she's got her she's got to fucking put her foot down with this because this is how
the rest of it is gonna fucking go yeah Because he'll know if you let him tell you
that you're having a big wedding and then do nothing,
even though you've said, I really don't want to do this,
that's it for everything for you.
He's that boy who says he wants to call it Jürgen,
but then doesn't raise it for the first 10 years, isn't he?
Oh.
Do you know what I mean?
Like, it'll be that.
Yeah, he said to me, you know, he likes his time with mum, you know.
Yeah, I think he's one of those.
The minute you said the word Jürgen, I went, oh, God.
Yeah, but I just, speaking Liverpool.
Listen, he's gone next year.
Yeah.
There's going to be so many babies called Jürgen next year, 100%.
Yeah.
100%.
I love it.
I love you.
But it is boring.
Yeah, it is, I think.
Do you know Alfie's son is called Becker,
after Alison Becker, the Liverpool goalkeeper.
And that's only because Jesse refused Divock.
Oh my God, I love that.
I bet he was praying for a girl, wasn't he?
No, no, no.
Alison, perfect.
A boy, fuck Becca.
That's beautiful. It's a cool name though yeah and when they when they did
the instagram picture of the new baby alice and becca comments on it and was like this is
incredible yeah i've got a michael doesn't have the same ring really does it i've got a
i've got a friend of mine who uh what's his name? Schmeichel. Schmeichel. Why would they have the face bit?
It's Schmeichel.
Oh, right.
Hello, Schmeichel.
I've got a friend of mine, right?
And him and his missus, they met each other in Madrid.
They lived in Madrid for a couple of years.
But other than that, they're both from like Preston.
And they live in Preston now.
And they've got a baby called Ika.
After Casillas.
Well, no, just it's a Spanish name and they like it.
But it must stand out in a class of people from Preston.
Yeah.
Or like Muslims.
No, no, you can't give the right answer.
Yeah, then it would.
Adam said, all them Muslims.
Jesus.
There's a lot of Muslims in Preston.
There's a lot of There's a lot of
Asians in Preston
You can't
You can't get
Blushy about that
You say way worse things
Yeah but my podcast
You're walking around
With a Chinese man
In a bag
I haven't said
It's a bad thing
No
I am pro Muslims
In Preston
And anti-Holocaust
There we go
There's my two
Political opinions
God that's brilliant
I'm pro the beehive
No Swifties Jesus Swifties Weive. No, Swifties.
Jesus.
Swifties.
We love K-pop, Swifties,
and we don't talk about the old firm.
Right.
If anyone's listening.
It's a new Everton song, isn't it?
We love K-pop, we love Swifties,
and we don't talk about the old firm.
This is beautiful.
So what's the advice we're giving?
Get him involved. Tell him he's a fucking lazy, horrible, fat twat. And if he says no, what's the advice we're giving? Get him involved.
Tell him he's a fucking lazy, horrible fat twat.
And if he says no, what's then my advice?
Ultimatum.
Shag the best man.
Shag the best man.
100%.
Before the wedding.
Yeah, before the wedding.
Yeah, big time.
Yeah, ultimatum.
Wedding's off unless you fucking plan it, you lazy cunt.
Suck his dad off.
Suck his dad off.
You just go, listen, John, right?
I didn't want a big wedding.
You said you did.
I'm really sorry, but, like, I can't handle the planning of this.
So either you take it over or we're doing it my way
and we're just going to Grittner.
Or you leave clues around the house about the wedding
that you're not actually planning, but he thinks you are.
Like, he sees, like, a receipt from a bounty castle hire
and he sees a receipt from, like, a magician.
Fuck, I'm going to that one.
That is not how you put a man up, by the way. He's the opposite. castle hire and he sees a receipt from like a magician and he sees a receipt you want me to give you a list for venice and then there's like a receipt for loads of strippers
a lot of cocaine god what a bad wedding way, if your wedding has not got a bouncy castle and a magician now.
Shit, lad.
You've got to do it.
What things we don't like?
Mate, make a magician go on the bouncy castle.
Imagine trying to do a card trick on a bouncy castle.
Okay, what would be...
No, stand still.
Okay, so what would be a nightmare for a male wedding?
Like a spy scout?
No, that's not.
Just an invitation to the mother-in-law.
Very good.
I think for anything overly planned and scripted,
I think men are like, nah.
You know those weddings that it's like nine o'clock,
get there, 9.50, opening photos, 9.30, do that.
And it's like-
Engagement photos.
Have you done engagement photos? Yeah. What do yeah. Opening photos. 9.30, do that. And it's like... Engagement photos. Have you done engagement photos?
Yeah.
What do you mean, engagement photos?
Like, did you have a photographer come and take pictures of you looking?
Yeah, yeah, they did, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
They're all, like, in love in each other's arms and stuff.
She wondered why fourth day in,
there'd been a photographer following us on there.
I hadn't asked her yet.
She was like, who's he?
I was like, ignore him.
No, you got a photographer for the engagement.
But did you do, like, shot, like, staged engagement photos
to send out to people
yeah like of the ring
and shit
right
yeah but the ring's
incredible so it's
sure fine okay
you don't have to like it
no I love it
absolutely love it
that's what this place is
I really love it
so sorry
I'm thrilled
she's a sexy woman
and the reason it is to see her
but I asked her
I asked her in a dark cave
and she said maybe
it wasn't Noel Gallagher
she said maybe but I can't Noel Gallagher.
She said maybe.
I asked her, I can't see the ring.
In Capri,
there's a thing called
the Blue Grotto.
It's a cave inside the sea.
Oh yeah,
and you can swim,
yeah.
Yeah,
you go in on a boat
and I opened the box
in the boat
and she went,
I can't see anything.
She couldn't see
because it was like that.
Oh God,
that's absolutely hilarious.
She must have had a vague idea.
You weren't putting out like chips.
Do you know what I mean?
She knew it was a ring box, yeah. I don't want any chips yet yeah and she went to maybe ask me again later put me on my toes i was like okay and thank goodness you
had a photographer for that dark cave moment just emerging in like full scuba attire no no
just jack finnegan abseiling on the rock down from the lift.
And then she fell off a boat,
started crying and bleeding and I asked her then.
Oh, that's really nice.
Yep.
It was lovely.
Well done, Carl.
That's really lovely.
I once had a guy ask me
if I wanted to go for
Gourmet Burger Kitchen
because they had a
two for one card
and I did.
Yeah?
Yeah, and I shagged him.
Was it in Capri?
Yeah, no,
it wasn't in Capri.
What city was that in?
No, I don't want to talk about it.
I'm just saying,
I'm glad some girls
are being treated
as they should.
I'm really thrilled for that.
Just as a general rule of thumb,
by the way,
if you don't want to talk about stuff,
I just wouldn't bring it up.
I'll never ask you questions
about something
you haven't brought up.
How about that?
Some guy asked me
to go to a barbeque and then I fucked him. Oh really? Where was this? I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to talk about locations. Adam, I'm gonna ask you questions about something you haven't brought up. How about that? Some guy asked me to go to a gourmet bar,
get your munch, and then I fucked him.
Oh, really? Where was this?
Adam, I don't want to talk about it.
I don't want to talk about locations.
Adam, I'm very shy.
I fucked him.
I fucked him, and I swallowed every bit of his cum.
I don't want to talk about it.
Adam, stop it.
I'm a lady. I'm queer.
Shut up.
He fucked me everywhere, every hole, in every room.
Where was this?
Where does he live?
Oh, I don't want to talk about it.
He made me squeal like a pig, but I won't tell you where. I was drenched in? Oh, I don't want to talk about it. He made me squeal like a pig, but I won't tell you where.
I was drenched in his cup.
I don't want to talk about it.
Can I,
Kate,
are we doing more agony?
Because I've got a question that I need help on.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, here we go.
Okay, great.
Press a button.
No, first of all,
I'm giving,
I want this.
I'll just press the button
and,
I'm here to help.
Nice.
And the answer to your question is...
Well, you already know.
If you get something with a bit of padding,
then it might show.
Socks.
Chicken fillets.
Come on, girls.
We can do it.
Right, so Freddie is already...
Freddie is actually already helping me with this,
but there's a room full of boys,
which is obviously the only reason I'm here.
So I got in a car crash a week and a half ago
and the guy like ran into the back of me.
Thank you.
And so it's completely his fault,
all his fault.
Even if they got CCTV,
it would say it was all his fault.
We switched details
and I went straight to Halfords
and I was like,
and they showed what the problem was.
Mine, his whole bonnet was like crumpled up on itself.
Mine was actually largely okay.
And the guy at Halfords was like, this is what you need you need actually won't cost that much this is just things and i
sent it to him i was like listen apparently it's not actually going to cost that much
just you just want to not do insurance and i'll go i can go to a mechanic of your choice
whatever you want and he was like yeah sounds great and since then has completely ignored me
like it's been over seven days and has completely ignored me.
So I Googled him.
And he got out of jail just before Christmas for fraud,
largely to do with stealing cars and lying about where they were.
Also lying about his girlfriend being dead.
She's not dead.
I also found out where she worked.
Thank you.
Women are mad, by the way. She had a phone number. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I out where she worked thank you and um women are mad by the way she had a phone number yeah yeah i've got everything and everything so now i'm like
so i obviously now i my mum had a very chiswick response to this and she was like darling he
looks very very scary let's just leave it and not do anything freddie had the exact opposite response
i messaged in all capital letters what the fuck kind of advice is that because this is
like this is like middle class advice where it's like oh let's just leave it and buy another one
it's like no i'll buy you a new car it's fine that guy he's got an idea
um that guy needs to learn the consequences he's relying on you
going
oh bloody hell
this seems like an awful
lot of issues
oh I guess we'll stop now
you need to fucking
get him
yeah or do we just go full
but then he also has my address
so you're like
what's he gonna do
why did you give him your address
because you have to don't you
when you're doing like
insurance stuff
what
do you go through insurance
no you don't give him
no
what
you swap phone numbers
and insurance details
and addresses
what for I don't know I thought that so he now knows swap phone numbers and insurance details. And addresses. What for?
I don't know.
I thought that that...
So he now knows where you live and can threaten you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It was clever.
Well, first of all, so there's two lines here.
We crashed into each other.
Let's exchange addresses and nudes.
Come on, here we go.
I said there was four pictures of me.
I thought it was the other thing.
Wait a minute.
You can't fool me.
I don't know how it went.
This is a 12-year-old boy.
Is that when he stopped replying?
She said my bumper was as flat as your tits.
Look at this.
Well, I'll fix your car, love,
but I am reporting you for child porn, so...
That's the one that's going to cost you.
Can you give me an address?
Right, here's the thing.
You live in Liverpool now.
Yeah.
Don't know where or with how many people
Thank you so much
With all the boys I live with
And the Rottweilers
You do
You live here
You've got to
So there's two things here
Two bits of advice from me okay
you like you you're trying to become an honorary scouser at some point yeah i'm really close yeah
so there is a thing there where you've got to be like don't take any shit yeah but here's my
question how much is it going to cost to fix it do you know i don't know do you know roughly
i don't understand
really anything about cars.
Okay.
Do you understand money?
He could say £20
or he could say £500,000.
How much was your car?
I don't know.
It's a write-off,
I want to say.
I thought the Halfords man
told you how much it was.
No, he didn't say it.
He said it won't be very much.
Right, so I think
that's around £100.
Right.
Right.
I would pay,
personally,
£100
to not have to deal with the admin
right because i'm lazy and can't be asked so i would pay that and be like fucking 100 quid it's
an absolute nightmare fuck it yeah i'd just get it fixed me personally but that's because i'm lazy
a lot of people especially working class people in liverpool would be like have you got his address
yeah or is it his address though?
Yeah it is
because I've checked on Google
and I've checked
and when he went put in jail
it's the same address
that they've given
on the news as well.
Well then you go to his house
with an axe.
I'm not Adam.
Can you imagine
if I got an axe
you can put it on my axe.
Is he fit?
What?
Is he fit?
No I've done better
and worse
but I have done better.
Hattie because me and you
are such good friends
Yeah are you going to do it?
I am going to raise the money for you
by running the Paris Marathon.
It's cost more than two pounds.
I can't have my car dented and lose a friend
in the same day.
That's really sad.
How far do you think you could run?
I don't think I would.
Running isn't my thing.
No.
I don't know.
No, but breathing isn't really either no so I don't know no but breathing
isn't really either
so
no
a couple of minutes maybe
but I can swim forever
I told you
I told you he was a swimmer
I can swim forever
I'm like a little
fucking human seal
well let's be careful
with this
a happy dolphin
seal
yeah
well I
when I grew up
I was really good at swimming
swam for Preston
Preston Sharks
I don't know if that's the shout out you think it is.
It was, sorry.
No, it's fine.
We were pretty fast.
When was the last time you swam?
The last time I was in water.
Yeah, that's that.
I'll be honest with you.
Rivalry this.
I'll be honest with you, Freddie.
I knew that.
That was me wasn't because...
Do you bathe?
I was...
I don't bath, no.
I just shower. Yeah, me too. I wasn't in water. You're not really in was, I don't bath, no. I just shower.
Yeah, me too.
I wasn't in water.
You're not really in water if you're,
anyway, it doesn't matter.
Hattie, you should pursue this.
Anyone to jail for fraud,
he's probably a maggot.
Yeah.
If it was like murder.
It's not a violent crime, is it?
He sounds like a gimp.
Right, okay, great.
Turn up, turn up.
I'm going to turn up to his wife's house.
Go on one of the TV judge shows.
Judge Rinder.
Judge Rinder.
Absolutely.
No, just go to his house with two men
and just go,
oh yeah, you haven't texted back.
The two men's enough of a threat
for him to go, oh, sorry.
Two men bigger than you.
Do you know what I mean?
Like if you go with like fucking...
Don't go with like Sam Serrano.
Take Binti.
Binti will just like lift his card up
and give you that.
That's right.
I've never missed John Scalzon more. Who'd have done it? Yeah, John. Take John and take Binti. Binti will just lift his car up and give you that. That's right. I've never missed John Skellhorn more.
Who'd have done it?
Yeah.
John.
Take John and take Binti.
Okay, great.
And you'll be sound.
Have we just planned a violent crime live on a podcast?
No, you're not putting it out there.
It's only implied.
No threat of violence.
We just look a bit.
No.
They're still there and you go,
hey, mate, you haven't texted me back.
Can we still sort this?
And he'll go,
you'll see the guys and go,
yeah, cool.
You need to go to Halfords first and get a price
and you get that off and push a little tip.
I have just realised
that there is a sad story button here
and I've not pressed it.
That wasn't a sad story though,
this could potentially be quite an empowering story
because I stand up for myself
and I go and commit violent crime and witness.
What do you reckon, Freddie?
Oh, this is quite empowering.
Mama like that.
Mama like that.
Yeah.
That's what you should do.
Sick.
Take it to the guy in Halfords and go,
put an extra hundred quid on it.
You can have 50, I can have 50,
and you can come out of this with a bit of money as well.
This is sick, guys.
This is such great advice.
I'm really glad we've done this.
Yeah, but don't let him fuck you over, though.
Like, because his whole life is fucking people over
and getting away with the fucking money.
Make him be accountable for something.
It's not about the hundred quid.
It's about teaching him a lesson.
Thanks, Freddie.
You're so right.
It is, but also, if you can't be asked,
someone else will teach him the lesson eventually.
Does he live far away?
Witness.
Oh, I tell you what.
Shag him.
And if he threatens to say,
if you don't pay me the money i'll do that again oh my god
no freddie freddie freddie shut up freddie okay this is actually perfect because okay and this
is like a whole left it's just a very quick story so because i was spent the last two years trying
for a baby by myself which by the way costs a fucking fortune that's how i can make the money
back i shag him, get pregnant,
saves me an absolute fortune
on the next round.
And then.
Hang on.
No,
I know you've got a train to catch.
I know that,
right?
But you're going to miss it
because you're trying for a baby alone.
Yeah.
And that costs money.
So much money.
Why?
Because.
Why aren't you just going around
and getting spunked up
by every man in the room?
I've told her
that I'll give her my cum and she says no. i said that's fair do you know what else freddie
said when i told him and he was like i want to ask about the donut and i'm talking about the
donut like it's private we're not talking about the donut spam and freddie goes okay fine fine
have you checked he's got a big dick though yeah that is important that is important i was like
you okay just you all know that i don't have to fuck the sperm out of this person yes
your baby will also have a big dick this is what's insane can you imagine me going and be like miss You all know that I don't have to fuck the sperm out of this person. No, it's genetic.
So that your baby will also have a big dick.
This is what's insane.
Can you imagine me going and being like,
Miss Preston, have you decided what donor?
Yeah, I do.
What do you want?
Well, I want a baby with a big dick.
No!
They're not going to let me have the baby. No, you want a man with a big dick.
No, I don't want a baby with a big dick.
Who's going in being like...
Why do you want your fucking son to have a little maggot?
This is like talking in a different dimension
what the fuck is wrong
with all of you
what you say is
I want a baby
with a big dick
for a baby
no
don't say you want
a baby with a big dick
and then it'll grow
as the rest of it grows
sorry
I'm not going in
and being like
Miss Preston
if you decided on it
yeah
I want a kid
with a huge schlong
actually is really
what I'm in for
you want a man with a big dick so he can go up?
I don't want a man with a big...
I don't want a child of mine with a big dick.
I don't want to be proud as Peter.
We are all forgetting, right,
that if she has a little girl
and she's got like a fucking ginormous clit.
Massive labia.
Yeah.
Or labia.
One of the two.
There are two.
No, like I said, clit.
Oh, sorry.
Because the clit is the dick, innit?
Clits become dicks when women become men in the womb.
Is that Spice Girls?
Why are you trying to have a baby on your own?
Because I'm so old and I'm not really sure I'm cut out for wifing.
Okay, but you want a baby?
Yeah.
Do you have male requisites?
Can you do that?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You put in your things.
Like, you're like,
what do you want?
What do you put in?
What's your...
I'm telling you about the donor
because, you know, I just...
But what if Freddie's donated?
I know, what if he's got in?
What if he ticks all the boxes?
We've got a lot of listeners.
If you describe what you're after,
we might get some cum in the post.
Actually, that would be...
She's just taking letters
and just rubbing them against it fast.
If there's one,
is any of it physical? Or is it all like, unknown, like men... She's just taking letters and just rubbing them against it fast. Is there any of it physical?
Or is it all like,
unknown, like...
Do they just...
If you like a little tube of cum
and you have to go home and like...
No, they do it.
They do.
I can't be trusted.
The little guy with the blow dart.
Yeah.
Although I have been,
because it costs so much.
I was like,
is there any way you could just,
we could just do it
with like a super soaker?
Like any way we can like
cut corners on this
and make it a bit less expensive,
just like...
But no, they have to...
How much does it cost for like one cup?'ve done four rounds of iui which is the
like turkey baster and it's 11 grand for four goes yeah 11 000 pounds and how much comes that
four little bit i don't know what is like a like i don't know how many i'm only one come two come
three come four yeah it's like one bit of cum.
No, you do it in,
so one bit of,
one vial of cum in each go.
Right.
Tell you what I feel.
So four jizzers.
Four jizzers.
So you've paid 11 grand
for what he does on an afternoon.
I know.
I know.
What are you, why?
Freddie, you're spunking up gold.
I was going to say,
I'll give it a,
it's fine, grab it.
Because they don't have male comedian DNA.
Can you think of anything worse?
No, you don't need to be a male comedian.
You go on like Tinder and you go,
I'm just looking for fun.
Every man in Liverpool will be like,
oh, fuck yeah.
And then they'll come round to yours.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me, Adam.
I really appreciate it.
No, no, no.
You don't understand the actual depths
that men will go to to fuck anything.
Like literally you are,
and I mean this,
when I say that you are incredibly fuckable,
that's not because you're attractive.
No, I know that.
It's because you have a pulse and you're fully functioning and have your own teeth
and for some of them and for some of them the pulse isn't necessary if you if you really lower
your standards you can honestly you can get it for free as much as you want you big romantic
this is so lovely it'd even be cheaper for you to hire like a male prostitute
yeah I know I think yeah why have you not done that?
That's so...
They wear condoms.
Can you imagine we had the fucking baby planning clinic?
Don't come in here.
I know this is the Havilland fertility clinic.
They're just like,
yeah, just fucking lie back and think about it.
I'm telling you right now, you look...
I'm going to go to Coyote Ugly tonight and just get it done.
I'm not going to do this on your behalf without your permission,
but I'm telling you right now,
I know a lot of men and I could find you some cum.
Scottish John, look at it. Your DMsms are gonna be filthy after this sick this is like scout sopranos i really like it can you tell us one prerequisite that you've got um physical
she doesn't want to say white does she would you like to look at it i can see
i can see that she doesn't want to say white you're such a dick but it is isn't, isn't it? No, well, I wouldn't show having a big penis, wouldn't I?
Do you put like height and weight?
I don't know what you're saying.
Oh, yeah, I did.
I did height.
I think I did height just because I was like,
they're going to have enough fucking.
Six, six.
Not even, but just like.
Have you got like a really weird taste that way in Otona?
So you're asking for like a little Chinese dwarf or something?
No, can you imagine?
No, I did say that.
I mean, that's not that weird.
I want a Chinese dwarf.
I want him to be 45 stone.
In terms of like
other male comedians
stupid things that have
been said to me
like my other male comedian
Will was like
are you going Danish
I was like no I'm not
fucking going Danish
I don't want to be the
least hot member of my
own family
like absolutely not
yeah yeah
so I've gone for
yeah mutant midget
so I'm Stacey's mum
forever
everyone's like
oh my god
Smogan
it's gonna be like
that in between as mum
that's what I'm going for
well I can't believe
it took us that long to get to the fact that Hattie is trying for a baby on her own but here we going to be like that in between as mum. That's what I'm going for. Well, I can't believe it took us that long
to get to the fact that Hattie is trying
for a baby on her own, but here we go.
To be continued next time she's here,
which I imagine will be quite soon.
With my baby.
Feels very much to be continued.
Hattie, tell everyone where they can find you
on the internet.
On Instagram, Prattie Heston.
Also, I run Big Fizz show at Hot Water
and I'm doing my own very first ever solo show
at Hot Water in September. Wonderful. Thank you. What are you doing and I'm doing my own very first ever solo show at Hot Water in September
wonderful
thank you
what are you doing?
I'm on tour this year
it's my first stand up tour
literally tickets
are going to be released
within the next couple of weeks
the best thing to do
is to get onto the mailing list
if you go onto
freddyisontour.com
that's freddy with a y
isontour.com
pop your email address in there
tickets will be out
within the next two weeks
and also
we're doing Dead Meat
a massive podcast comedy festival
tickets are available at deadmentalkpod.com it's in manchester we've sold
like half the tickets already it's going to be fucking amazing saturday the 27th of july for that
so yeah those are the two things that i want to plug i've got uh after this goes out 18 tour shows
left including the big one at the arena on the 18th of may that is the last night of the tour as
well adam road accord at uk for all of those tickets.
I'm very excited.
And there's some really big ones still to come,
like Cardiff and Blackpool and York as well.
Very excited.
See you all on the road.
And we're filming it in a couple of weeks.
The Empire, they're both sold out.
It's going to be very, very good and expensive.
Finn, who's playing us out this week?
We've got Friends of the Pod
Red Rum Club
with their new single.
The Red Rum Club!
Yeah, it's a new single
called Hole in My Home.
Love it.
They've also got a show
at the Arena, 5th of April.
And their episode
of my podcast,
Have A Word Sounds,
is on our Patreon now
if you want to go
and listen to that.
Sick.
Thanks for listening as always.
Join the Patreon,
patreon.com slash haveawordpod.
We'll see you very soon.
Au revoir.
Bye. Join the Patreon, patreon.com. We'll see you die And if I was the clock on the wall
Then I'd have a little more time
To give you a reason to believe
Reason to believe you're mine
I wish you could stay the night with me
Since you're no longer by my side
Well, I feel so cold with this great big hole in my hole Hole in my hole
Hole in my hole
Hole in my hole If I had a shovel in hand
I'd dig a hole and throw myself in
But I probably wouldn't finish
Cause the pit won't fit the shape that I'm in
I wish you could stay the night with me
Since you're no longer by my side
Well, I feel so cold
With this great big hole in my home
Hole in my home
Hole in my home Holding my hope
guitar solo Oh, holy my home
Oh, holy my home Holding my home
Holding my home