Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #265 with Mark Nelson - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: February 26, 2024

Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan Nightingale & Fiends Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.ukComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsCheck out Finn's music: https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20Supreme CBD | https://supremecbd.ukStress less and sleep better with Supreme CBD using code WORD40 at checkout to get 40% off sitewideFüm | https://tryfum.co.ukHead to tryfum.com/HAVEAWORD and use code HAVEAWORD to save an additional 10% off your order today.BetterHelp | https://betterhelp.com/word10Get 10% off your first month!NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Become one of the lids:https://patreon.com/haveawordpodTickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comFind us everywhere:https://haveaword.pageDiscord:https://discord.gg/haveawordpodFollow the podcast, our hosts and our guest on social media:Have A Wordhttps://facebook.com/haveawordpodhttps://twitter.com/haveawordpodhttps://instagram.com/haveawordpodAdam Rowehttps://facebook.com/adamrowecomedianhttps://twitter.com/adamrowecomedyhttps://instagram.com/adamrowecomedianDan Nightingalehttps://facebook.com/danhasapodcasthttps://twitter.com/danhasapodcasthttps://instagram.com/danhasapodcastMark Nelsonhttps://twitter.com/marknelsoncomichttps://instagram.com/marknelsoncomicADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Now then, ladies and gents, welcome to the Have A Word podcast. Hope you enjoyed today's episode. Before we start, I'd like to tell you about my new stand-up special. Dan Nightingale's special is on the Have A Word YouTube page. Go and watch it now, like, subscribe, share it, tell a friend, enjoy. I think it's some of the best stand-up I've ever done. I hope you like it. I do not have a new special yet because I am still on tour

and we kick off again this week going all over the country there's 33 dates including some big ones that we're going back to for the second time like leeds and places we haven't been yet like blackpool and cardiff still got three dates in liverpool to do i'm going all over the place adam road.co.uk forward slash tour all the data there 33 still to come they're starting to sell out and i'm dead excited to get back on the road because I've been bored for a month since the last one. It's an incredible show.

Go and see it. I'm going to do some comparing this year. 2024 is me going to be hosting and comparing. Come and see me doing Dan Nightingale and Fiends

and also the Comedians Club Chester. All of these dates, there's about 40 of them through 2024, are available at dannightingale.com patreon.com slash have a word pod

you, if you're not a patron already, you've got to go and sign up. Three quid a month as a starter, you can go to five or ten, the more you pay, the more you get, but even if you started just three quid a month, you get every extra bit of content we do, you get early access to these episodes, you get an extra episode every single week, and you get a patron

exclusive bonus special every single month, you get a patron exclusive bonus special every single month including everything we've ever done in the past access to the entire back catalog catalog which includes oh we've got lock-ins we've got ghost hunts we've got a restaurant special we've been to nashville we've had a race day i'm trying to remember some of the more random ones. Amsterdam. It's the best stuff we ever create. It's us on location and it never gets better than it. Patreon.com slash have a word pod.

We're one of the biggest on the planet and the biggest in the UK for a very simple reason. We're the best at this. So go and check out what you haven't checked out yet. And if you're already there, you know just how good it is. Enjoy the episode. We've just finished recording it. It's a belter. Wag wag leads. You're listening to the funniest podcast

in the game. From the heart of Liverpool. With Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only Have A Word. Brought to you by Manscaped. The very best products on the market for below the waist

grooming. Go Ed, get on me. Hey! It's a hungover rowey episode. I think I might have to quit drinking. Oh no, please don't. It's just like I woke up again today and me left eye doesn't

really work. And if I was going on like if I went on a seesaw and it made my eye start not working, I'd never go on a seesaw again. Wow. You know what I mean? Beautiful. Yeah, but does the seesaw give you such joy?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. As joy is getting bladdered, a seesaw. Jack, Keelan, we're going down the seesaw. Yeah, see you there. Six till fucking three. I did, I just, I had such a lovely morning and afternoon yesterday. And then I was like, see you there. Six till fucking three. I did, I just, I had such a lovely morning

and afternoon yesterday and then I was like, do you know what, I fancy a pint. Yes, mate. I wanted a bevy last night. Why didn't you come? Because I had a meeting

with a weapon planner and then went to gym. So stupid. Yeah, much worse. Yeah. Because I realised I can't have a weapon. And I'm looking after

my two-year-old on my own but he was already bladdered. I couldn't have brought him. I was like, Jack, do you want to shit his pants? And that was not just because of his age. I just wanted four Guinness. I didn't want to, you know.

How many did you have? Well, we had five and then went and played beer pong. And then went and had three more. And then apparently, I don't remember the rest of it. I remember leaving Lanigans, but apparently we had- I like Lanigans, you know. The Guinness in there is great.

It's a good boozer. We ate. And then apparently we ordered 76 pounds worth of nabsies and then went back to Pogues and then went home and had a sing and a dance. Did you take the nabsies to Pogues?

No. You had to eat nabsies. Yeah, and then went back to Pogues for one, but I don't remember any of that. Do you know the other weekies to pokes no you had to in nabsies yeah and then we're back to pokes for one but i don't remember any of that do you know the other week when you said you hate it when i and when i better myself i really don't if you were dead fit and happy and healthy and you came in here in a silly fun mood i'd love it i'd be like mate do it do a triathlon or something else that i don't understand but it's when you do 76 pounds of nabsies that's when you're at your best now that's selfish because longevity wise health wise maybe not great but i love's when you do 76 pounds of nabsies that's when you're at your best now that's selfish

because longevity wise health wise maybe not great but i love it when you come in with this sort of like fucking i woke up this morning and i'm i was convinced for a good five minutes that i'd like fell on my head last night like i feel so awful oh I can smell the ale. From there? Yeah. Great. No, but you're asking the wrong person to smell things. Have you fucked your smell off? Yeah, a little bit. Oh, really?

Yeah, a little bit. Daniela Westbrook. Oh, nice. It's just her name. It's just her name. I know. I just said it's so. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, a little bit.

Not horrifically. I think, you know, it smells like fun's so. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, a little bit. Not horrifically. I think, you know, it smells like fun to me. Yeah? Yeah. What's Nabzy's, by the way? The Chinese? Chicken. Oh, Nabzy's chicken.

Famous in the city. Not like a Chinese, is it? Can you tell me where I can get... What was that bag we got in Dublin? Spice bag. Oh, yeah. Don't do it in the UK, don't think. What?

It's just salt and pepper, chicken and chips. But how do they stop it... It's done well, I want it. No, yeah. Don't do it in the UK, don't think. What? It's just salt and pepper chicken and chips. But how do they stop it? It's done well, I want it. No, but how do they stop it getting all sweaty? It's like an Irish miracle. It's chips and salt and pepper chicken. I've seen that before. I've had it.

But how is it in a bag for so long, and it comes out weirdly, like, not sweaty? Yes. Crisp bags. I've had that on my birthday. Have you ever had a bag of crisp? What? Have you ever had a bag of crisps? Yes! Crisp bags. Have that on my birthday. Have you ever had a bag of crisp? What?

Have you ever had a bag of crisps? Oh, I thought you said bag of crisp. Just one fucking crisp. We do say that. I wouldn't say a bag of crisps. Because I'm not a fucking lunatic. No, of course. I'm Brupen.

I've got a headache. Can I have the... I'm Brupen. What? I'm Brupen. I'd say give us a bag of crisps there. I wouldn't say. Can I have the... I brupifen. No, brupifen. I brupifen. I'd say, give us a bag of crisps there. I wouldn't say, can I have a pack of crisps?

It's mad, isn't it? Yeah, okay. Cool. I know. Like fish. You do loads of... Can I have a bag of fish? Damn, this is much more common

than you think. This is an epidemic of people saying crisp instead of crisps. A bag of crisps? Yeah, it drives me mad. Does it? Yeah, because it's just...

I don't know how it doesn't drive you mad no it drives me mad when people say the way you say it crisps sound like a snake but that's literally just the word no no something in a crisp hello make that's one no no it's like fish yeah it's literally not it is have some fishes and chipses, please? You big fucking snake. That's what they'd say. Some fish eye on some chip eye. Yeah, get some crisps there, lad. If I said crisps, he'd go now.

But it is a little bit, I mean, he's a fucking rogue, but it is a bit out of character because you can get a little bit word noncey, but your scouse almost overpowers your pedant. Is that right? 100%. Omen bargain. I mean, that is, yeah.

That was fun to learn about. I can see that, though, because it's what you remember. Bag of crisps is just wrong. It's wrong. You're wrong. How do you say two pints? The name of the show. Two pints.

Two pints of lager and a pack of crisps. Is that not? Genuinely, here's the a pack of crisps. Is that not... Genuinely, here's the... Is it crisps? Yeah, it is, isn't it? No. I genuinely think... Can I just say, very well played, Finn.

Thank you. Very well played. Hit them in the field. I'd say two pints. I wouldn't say two pints of lager and a pack of crisps. And I wouldn't say crisps. Two pint. Two pint lager.

Bag of crisps. Yeah. It spells. The way you say it. Oh, it's a silent S. It is, yeah. It's a silent S. Crip.

Crip. Wow. That'd be a different fucking sitcom, wouldn't it? Pack a crip. Two pints of lager and a crip. When's the bloods coming? Here we have a dialect. That's fine.

Yeah, you do yeah leave it alone it's a bit of fun isn't it it's a bit a bit mad in places like turkey ham what is turkey ham

what's turkey whales huh turkey ham the meat no one knows what it is do they no no one knows what that what is it

turkey ham I have no idea but it tastes good also is it mushed up meat it's what you see about pigs I had this argument last night with Seneca

difference in pork and ham yeah so like if you cut any bit of a cow off beef innit what what makes it steak so ham

not to be thick ham and bacon what you do with it makes it steak is that right no it's all steak any part of a cow is steak

if you want ham and pork do you want this dick ham is the ham comes from the ham leg why is that pink I don't know

the rest of it's white oh it's different parts of the yeah pork is from the main and the ham is from the ham leg

only is bacon like around the asshole I think bacon's in the ham world Rather than the pork world Is it? Yeah What's gammon?

See I'd say pork But it's ham innit? Is it? Just thick bacon innit? Right But then a pork chop You know That bacon sandwich you brought in the other day

Looked like gammon on toast It was And it was unbelievable You know bacon sandwiches? Sugar pit bacon It was literally It was, and it was unbelievable. Did you bring a bacon sandwich in? Sugar pit bacon. It was literally... Oh, I suppose it was sugar pit bacon. But like...

That's not bacon, though. It's not bacon. It's gammon. Sorry, you came in here and went, I've got some sugar pit bacon in bread. I didn't bring a bacon sandwich in. You're fucking mad. Dan, you don't know food.

Yeah, I said bacon. Yeah, it was more of a ham buttock. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the word bacon that put me off on it. Yeah. Just a little bit. There you go. So ham is the arse.

Hock is the back leg, just the left one, apparently. Oh, no one's having a hock toasty, are they? Picnic ham, front leg. The Boston butt is the shoulder. Back fat, loin, spare ribs, you know where they are. Neck, ear, head, jowl, and snout. By the way, I found out... Head, shoulders, knees, and snout, yeah.

By the way, I found out the other day, I can't say where specifically I live, obviously, because it's my address. This Blizzard Yellow Soap Snake is really good. There's a man, and he's got a name, and I because it's my address. This Blizzard Yellow Soap Sneak is really good. But in my building, there's a man, and he's got a name, and I need you to know it. Let me find it. Dan, is that lemon flavoured?

It's really zesty. I find it very refreshing. Look who lives in my building. Dr. Butt. Dr. Butt. It's like a Simpsons film, bro. I know a lady, and her second name is Butt. First name Tanya.

Tanya Butt? Slacking off. Yeah. I know a woman whose surname is Arsehole and her first name is Cumming My. What? Yeah, she's foreign. Where's she from?

Germany. Cumming My Arsehole? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's my first wife. Or whenever she's not. Cunt is a surname in asshole. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's my first one. Or whenever she's not. Cunt is a surname in Turkish. Yeah. With a K.

Cunts is a surname in. Cunts. Cunts. Yeah. So I know a fatty cunt. So do I. You know a fatty cunt. Yeah.

And we also, we know that he knows a fatty cunt. Cause he's already told us. Hang on. About fatty cunt. Yeah. First name fatty. Yeah. first name fatty yeah that's a that's a name in turkey yeah i get that yeah but they went put them together they didn't go

you know what let's speak english but they know what fat cunt means they don't so if i'm not so experienced i'm a fat cunt they go ha ha ha i don't know where she is i am not her they know what fat cunt is that's international that's universal you call someone a fat cunt they know that's wild someone should have told them

by now then they might have wild poor kid fat cunt in school how do Brazilians choose their name you know like

all the footballers have got like cool as fuck names are they just literally just going do you know what? I just want to be, I like Ronaldo.

I'll be Ronaldinho. No, because it's all like Arthur and fucking like Jeff. Yeah, but that was the new wave on it. Back in the day, it was like De Nielsen, Rivaldo.

Aren't they not their real names? No, he's Ronaldo de Assis Moreira. Can we get whip ups? Can you find out Rivaldo's full name? Rivaldo's name is Rivaldo. Yeah, that is Rivaldo. Rivaldo Vita Borba Ferreira. Danielson. Rivaldo

Vita Borba Ferreira. Do you know why Caca's called Caca? Because his nephew couldn't say his name. Someone couldn't say his name in his family when he was a kid. They call him Caca instead of Ricardo. So he's still Caca. I like that. I think it's a bit shit that they let them do that though. Do you know what I mean?

The aliens come to Europe and they're like, oh, I'm Caca. Why are my little nephew can't say my name? Well, I'm not your nephew. So your name's Ricardo, mate. I'm printing Caca on the back of your kit. That's not your name, you dappagunt. It'd be funny.

Yeah, like Chicharito. My nephew called me Big Dick Rope. Put it on my shirt. That just means little P, doesn't it? Yeah, no, but it is not all sports let you go, what's the name you like? my nephew he just went put it on my shirt that just means little p doesn't it yeah no but it is not all sports let you go

what's the name you like like footy is a bit like nah you want to be called what you can be called it's quite progressive have you seen Trezeguet one the Egyptian

he's called Trezeguet after David because he looks like Trezeguet I'm not messing well it's his nickname yeah but it's now his name in football

because he looks like Trezeguet he gets called Trez but it's now his name in football because he looks like Trezeguet he gets called Trezeguet that's his name in football right yeah cool I reckon he should start

doing like new names so like Arthur go for like Dermot or Eamon Dermot Ryland just a Brazilian

morning presenter yeah a really creative Brazilian midfielder called Dermot O'Leary. Hino. It won't be safe though. Dermot Hino.

No, just Dermot. Jeff. Yeah. He's unbelievable. There's a Fred, isn't there? There's a Jeff Hino. I know there's a Fred. It just,

if you can choose your own name, how are you a Brazilian going, yeah, I want to be Fred. Come on, man. That's exotic to him. Is it? Yeah. It is though, isn't to be Fred. Come on, man. That's exotic to him. Yeah. Is it? Yeah. It is though, isn't it?

Oh. He named himself after the weatherman. He was gutted. He felt like he wasn't the weatherman no more. The new Brazilian midfielder, fatty cunt. Shagging kids, wasn't he? That's mad, isn't it? What?

You don't know Fred the weatherman? Is he? Can we get a VAR on? I don't know fred the weatherman's a nonce is he can we get a var on is that the var allegedly no it's not alleged he's i don't think he was shagging him was he i thought he was this is what i meant this is what i meant with the ar what you've done is comedy feels now he's in prison for bombing children against their will it's on his rap sheet oh yeah do you know you go to the prison even if they want it do you know what adam's right yeah he was shagging kids play on school boys he was shagging them on the little map of the uk on the albert d'or after dark come

on come to the island man they show that on e4 it doesn't count in fucking northern ireland come on yeah let's hop across school boys i always didn't like him my mum said that as soon as it came out she was like when you were little you used to hide from fred the weatherman when he came on the telly oh are you a are you a natural nonce hunter my nonce senses were tingling as a kid really is that because i bode well for you though because he goes to nando's with you all the time yeah Yeah. There you go. Trust you. There you go. I'll take that. He's organising the stink.

Yeah. Like they're nonsense when you go, what are you doing here? I'm here to, you know, just being nice. Oh shit.

Is there anyone else you have? What are you doing here? I'm meeting a 24 year old for the 72nd time. Yeah. Who? Out of Peterfile. No.

We're not saying the nonsense, we're just saying thin things you are the ones that i just got the creeps about yeah um john mccreary but he's dead oh he was he was deaf i was wrong it was john mccreary he was a fat cunt oh the the glasses yeah yeah that's a good one now yeah what gave you the impression that he was a weird cunt god amazing senses you similar i think it was a lot of, that. Yeah. What gave you the impression that he was a weird cunt? God, amazing senses you've got. Similar. I think it was a lot of people that were on Celebrity Big Brother.

I think that was all in my house. What was the guy that drank like a cat? Oh, George Galloway. George Galloway. He's blocked me on Twitter, and I've never interacted with him. Never. Not once. And he came into my work once, and then he went over and went,

why have you blocked me on Twitter? I searched, like, my name, his name, nothing. He blocked me. Fucking stupid get. He came into your work? Back in Miyagi, yeah. He was sat in a corner with his wife with a fucking stupid hat on.

Him, not his wife. And I nearly went over and went, lad, why have you blocked me on Twitter? I've never interacted with you. You're shook. Something's happened where he's threatened. He's just heard about you? gone, nah, fuck that. He'll come for me one day.

Who else, Finn? He's an amazing public speaker, George Calloway. I love his voice. He's a bit of a fucking... That was the same hat. Who else didn't I like? The guy that was on Pop Idol. Carv Cades?

No, the judge. Will Young. That was the judge. Nick Knowles. No, not Nick Knowles. Was it Cades? No, the judge. Will Young. That was the judge. Nick? Nick Knowles. No, not Nick Knowles. Was it Nick's? Oh, the old one.

Nasty Nick from Big Brother. That's the name Waterman, was it? In the first season. Oh, the fat old get? No, he wasn't fat. Was it Nick Waterman? White hair.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't remember his name. Libby Walsh. But he was Libby Walsh? Yeah. Yeah, he was Pete Waterman. Pete Waterman. He was Libby Walsh, But he was Libby Walsh. Yeah. Yeah, he was Pete Waterman. Pete Waterman. He was Libby Walsh, wasn't he?

I'm sure he's a lovely guy, but I don't know. Got bad vibes. Keep on the lookout, kids. They're about. For Pete Waterman? Yeah. Yeah, he's a nasty man, him.

I feel that. Yeah, that's weird. You've got a good nonce right there. Do you ever get it in the wild? Do you just be like, there's a nasty man, him. I feel that. Yeah, that's what you do. You've got a good nonce right there. Do you ever get it in the wild? Do you just be like, there's a pedo close? Yeah. Where?

Nando's. It's not Nando's. It's more like Foot Locker. All the foot people. Oh. You can smell a Tarantino. People who need new shoes. No, you can smell like someone

that's a bit Tarantino-y, you know what I mean? Oh, they're like feet? They're a bit too into feet. Tarantino loves feet, doesn't he? Are you casting aspersions over anyone that sells shoes in the UK? No. Although, to be fair...

A lot of people work in there. Oh, right, sorry. People are just in the corner, just looking. Have you ever been to Clark's? I did, I used to get my school shoes from Clark's. Yeah. Tell him to stop taking pictures, Mum. Adam's interested in the feet.

No, I'm just concerned that Finn's going into Foot Locker and there's a man in the corner watching everyone and he's not doing anything about it. He might be the security guard, I don't know. He's still doing the radio. Yeah, no, there's one

who keeps looking at me. He's very suspicious. There's a lot of paedophiles in shops. They've set cameras up everywhere. They're always watching. I can tell. That's a good... If you're a foot fetishist,

what, yeah? Go work down JD fetishiser yeah have you ever fucked feet what have you ever

fucked feet no Laura's got absolutely horrific hooves oh I wouldn't be able to fit those her big toe why did you

instantly go to you being fucked by feet what what no he means like a foot job oh I thought he meant being fucked by feet you get them to put their feet together and you fuck their feet like it's a big pussy a foot job oh i oh i thought he meant you get them to put their

feet together and you fuck their feet oh i thought all right oh no she'd break he went to up his ass i think were you no i was thinking sucking no no foot job oh right okay i'm just a very common what for fest it's just quite a common one i get it yeah i don't get it no it's like i haven't done it but like if a girl was like do you want to fuck me feet? I'd try it, do you know what I mean? There's a very fine line between nice feet and horrible feet, though, isn't there? Yeah.

You know what? In the moment, it's all about, we've said it before, it's all about when they ask. If you've just, you know, had a Sunday roast. Yeah, if you're on the school run. Yeah, if you're on the school run.

You just had a Sunday roast at her mum's house and she's just in the car back, and she's like, do you want to fuck me feet? You're like, no. Yeah, well done. I'm trying to go home and watch the school run. Yeah, if you're on the school run. You just had a Sunday roast at her mum's house and she's just in the car back and she's like, do you want to fuck me feet? You're like, no. Yeah, well done. I'm trying to go home and watch the fucking match. Like, if it's mid-set. Whatever's on, I'll watch the match.

If it's mid-set. Do you want to fuck me feet? No, I want to watch the match. You don't like footy, do you? I'm watching the match tonight. Put your feet away. I'm not. Fucking your bird's feet in her ma's house

when she's downstairs cooking the Sunday roast. That's nasty and good, isn't it? in the March of 8 put your feet away I'm not fucking your bed's feet in her Ma's house went to the downstairs cooking the Sunday roast that's nasty and good isn't it I made a girl square on her Ma's bed once and it was one of the best things I've ever done she pissed on her mum's bed

it wasn't piss it was square it is just piss not when they were in the house what her mum was at work oh

she was a cleaner downstairs she was in the downstairs. What? No, mum was at work. Oh. She was a cleaner downstairs. She was in the downstairs toilet. Oh, so good. Where was her dad? I don't know. Oh, right. He wasn't there.

Before we start, by the way, where's your dad? No, I mean, I mean, nope. Nope, I mean, but he's fucking trying to do foot jobs. No, he had the PI following his dad to make sure he was a distance. Do you want to fuck me in the almost bed? I need to know where you are. I'm not starting. Your dad shares his location with us.

On WhatsApp. Yeah. Nice. I fucked a girl in my nana's spare room. Ooh. Yes. It does sound like a euphemism, doesn't it? You call her an ass, your nun's spare room. Not even her nun's. room oh yes it does sound like a euphemism you call it your non-speaker not even air

nonce can i fuck you in my she went oh you are quite a big boy and i've remembered it for fucking years yeah because i think i think i might just have been overweight at the time men do remember compliments but it's the only time it's ever been said yeah but you'll remember it for that did you appreciate that even though you know you've only got a little maggie I know you haven't got like a maggie

I've seen your dick, your dick is fine I know but it's funny to just do the little dick thing when he's doing the big dick thing in it I keep getting messages from women who listen to the pod who are like, oh, I've heard you've got an absolute fucking wham bruiser. And I'm like, look, wham the fuck if you want. But like, tone that down.

If you whip it out. Well, I'm a fucking £10 preacher and that's a disappointment. It's just a good... If I'm having a good dick day, you'd be like, fucking hell, fair play, ad. But like, it's just sound. It's good. So the video good dick day, you'd be like, fucking hell, fair play, ad. But it's just sound. It's good.

I saw a video the other day and women want six, seven max. Yeah, no, that's just them being pick-me-girls. But if you pay off their mortgage, they're happy with four. You can't get 10 inches in there, though. What do you mean? No.

Not all of it's going in, is it? No. You can get as much dick as you want in an arsehole. Arseholes go on forever. Come on, put it back on a mouth. Nobody do that. The infinite arsehole. My Nana's spare rib.

They go on forever. Pretty much. There isn't a dick big enough that can't get in an arsehole. And they stretch as well, don't they? They gape. Big fan of the arsehole. And they stretch as well, don't they? They gape. Big fan of the arsehole. Depends who the woman is. She could be short.

That's true. But, you know, 10 inches. I would suggest... The woman's bigger than 10 inches. You are looking for a specialist lady. Yeah. Because, from what I understand, there are some women who have been built have been built

yeah with some some you know some deeper equipment would you rather have like 10 inches and it be like a bit skinny

or like 4 and it's got a bit of fucking gaiethage well apparently the gaieths what they're all after innit yeah yeah what do you want

you don't want a fucking like yeah that's horrible isn't it spaghetti dick oh no I'd go four in a chunk yeah because they're not going to feel like going in are they

fucking Dr Pepper can like a dipstick the thing is though it's all about angles innit fat snooker no but like if you go if you like

if you go into a vagina like that they're not feeling it audio listeners audio listeners you are not missing out on anything here No, but like, if you go into a vagina like that, they're not feeling it. Audio listeners, you are not missing out on anything here. But if you like go in at an angle, then it feels girthy, do you know what I mean? You need to be rubbing the sides.

You want it to spin off the bed and you're finished. Yeah, yeah. Stick to one side. Like Perlo. Just before I bang my wife, I take four steps back, three to the right, and just get in at that angle.

Johnny Wilkinson. Yeah, yeah. Right in Nana's spare room. Yeah. But like, I used to think that was all a myth, that like, oh, it's not the size of the hammer,

it's what you do with your hammer or whatever the phrase is. I think it's not the size of the nail. But like, it's not if you've got a hammer, it's where you hit me with the hammer that old saying stick your hammer in my fanny you know that old saying but like you can sort of you can do damage with whatever you've got as long as you like put some graft in you just can't be like down main street you know what i mean i think early jizzing is whatever equipment you've got is all useful if you can't a get it up or you're going early jizz oh i've got low testosterone i've got low testosterone i tested but you're mad but you like one i know but i think it's you know

the people that have tested me for low testosterone are a company that are selling testosterone so i'm not sure they're the most stringent of testers. They're like, ah, this is low. You might be wanking the testosterone out. Yeah. Aren't all men lower now than they used to be because of like phones and diet and stuff. Yeah.

And masturbating seven to eight times a week. I think that's been happening for a while. Yeah, and only eating carbohydrate apart from when you're at Nando's. Why don't you just stop wanking for the weekend and do the test again? Oh, what? Do you want higher testosterone?

You've got a proper libido, like honey, haven't you? I haven't had a wank for like three days. I rang Longley. I can't go three days. I rang Longley. I rang Dave Longley, who, if you're a comedian and you're thinking about

testosterone replacement therapy, he's a fucking specimen, isn't he? He's done, he's talked about it, he's been open about testosterone replacement therapy he's a fucking specimen isn't he he's done after he's talked about he's been open about and he's done he knows weight lifting and stuff and he's also intelligent articulate so he reads up about stuff so i rang him asked him how he is and then you could tell he's so down like he just gets to the point he nearly went what you after yeah but we've been mates for a long time. I started out with him. He's a good pal. And then I was like, got a couple of questions because I've been going to the gym.

I don't want to be going to the gym if I've got no testosterone. Like what's the, I don't want to be, because apparently the body you've got at 40 is pretty much the body you've got for nearly all men. If you've let it get to that point and you've just let it slide and you're pudgy then it's very difficult after that age to sort of it can be done it can be done but if you just generalize if at 40 you've just gone to shit it's harder because your testosterone starts going lower

you haven't got this is what i'm worried about so i think i need to start juicing i've been to the i've been to the gym as in sleds not like oh no no no smoothies that sounds awful you know you get on a test yeah i don't know but i have been to the gym nine times and i'm genuinely enjoying it i'm off the shite i'm thinking about new teeth i want to get on the shite. I'm thinking about... Can I do teeth? I want to get on the shite. I think you're just, like, replacing coke. I know! Dan, what did I call you? A dirty get?

No! You're a dirty get. But I can't do coke again because Laura will leave me. And she's right. I'm old. She doesn't want steadhead, Dan, either.

She does. She doesn't. But think about it. Pulling doors off the hinges when you walk in the house. Oh, God, just imagine my comp room. What do you do?

Tell me! I can't wait. You can't wank that away, though. So, here, if you're in the house. Oh God, just imagine my comp room. What do you do? Tell me! I can't wait. You can't wank that away though. So here, if you're on the juice, your ball. Juice. Yeah.

Right, yeah. The stead. The stuff. You call it juice? Wouldn't you call it juices? By the way, I'm bringing this up for a reason, you know.

See you in my DMs. And what, apparently your balls stop working as much. You're just less horny. Yeah. So, I don't

but also it makes your dick smaller as well you're gonna have a ninny yeah but but like Loz has got a a low sex drive compared to me

I've got a high sex drive I don't want that imbalance to cause problems long term she's the woman I've dreamed I love her right so what if I'm just

juiced up dick's out of action she's not arsed I'm walking around throwing the kids around yeah yeah what happens there is you inject something and then take away something again and then you're just fucking hyped and nowhere to put it that's when you start beating women or some sort of eunuch as well what some sort of eunuch listen my dick is i'll lose an inch a eunuch eunuch are you yes

no but if you're wanking away you away like stress if you're stopping wanking and injecting you're going to be a big roy dead i'll i'll lift away my stress mate that's what i'm going to do see my lap hold down i don't know if it's called that i think it is so loved it i'm getting into it i'm doing that and i think i think it's going to help with the whole i'm a horny little fucker let's take that away let's get some. Do you want to do deadlifts with me? Let's start doing deadlifts. 80 of them the other day. Is that the one where you lift it up a bit,

it's super heavy, and then you drop it to be annoying in the gym? Yeah. Yeah. I could be that guy, yeah. I did 80 the other day. I was proud of myself. That might not be a lot of listeners.

Oh, and I saw a gym influencer in the wild a woman filming you know when i started the gym this is like a month ago and i went bunda central yeah i've acclimatized to the bunda now it just took a while and don't say bunda i will exclusively say bunda forever if one more person says that uh There's batty hole everywhere. It just took a little bit of adapting to. There's Nana's spare room everywhere. Right? It's like a retirement home.

Yeah. So I'm used to that now, but I saw one doing the, she set the camera up. I can see what you said. You've got to be careful because you'd be on TikTok. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I see it.

There's cameras. What will you do? There's cameras everywhere. you do yeah this camera's everywhere it's like jd sport um but like so you just you just know not to be like i guess she got a great she's got a great spare room right yeah do you know who joey swole is me in two months no joey swole is the guy you know joey swole is oh bless you lord joey swole's on social media and he's the guy you know Joey Swole is oh bless you lord Joey Swole's on social media and he's the guy who he enforces gym etiquette

people like when he sees them girls he's like no fuck off there's people in the gym we don't want to be felt he's sick but who's our like

I've now seen the fucking thing where everyone's like oh it's the Karen the gym Karen's kicking off about it who's arsed?

Just let everyone, like, if they want to film. No, no, the issue isn't them filming. The issue is them having issues with them,

people being in their film. Go away, I'm filming. Yeah. You can't do that. This is a public space. Cool. You'll be in the knob head then.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Not like, but I've seen, I've seen videos of people going, what are you filming for? I don't want to be in your film. Like, you're in a public place. Exactly.

Who's arsed? But that's the point, isn't it? You should be able to go to a public place and feel safe. I think I might start photobombing

all of the influencers. Not by being a pervert, just play like... Or be like an over-the-top pervert when she starts filming. Just go over and

go, hey, love, cracking bum only. Oh, if my dick still worked, which it doesn't because of the roids. I love what he said. You're not going to look

like a pervert you're going to do this behind them no no just look I just they're doing a really cool video of whatever

and then there's a media going in fact why don't you start doing that why don't you be the implementer wouldn't that be funny

you said you need to get your TikTok going that's the way oh no one wants to see that. They do, you know. That'd be funny. I'd watch that.

That'd be funny, wouldn't it? Would it? Yeah. My Instagram's basically a cooking and clothing Instagram now. That's all I post. Oh, do you mean what you post, not what you see? Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, yeah, maybe. Just start a cycle. Here's an injection. What could your name be? Go on. Let's workshop it. I'm open to suggestions. Have a word pod at gmail.com.

Dan Yellow Westbrook. It's like the... God, I don't know why anyone has ever said that. Dan Nightingales. Dan Nightingales. Dan Nightingales? Yeah. Cool.

Follow me on socials. Yeah yeah but they can track your progress and they can go along with you and go ah yeah if they could track my pro uh progress to a dealer that'd be great the best place to find someone who sells drugs of that is the gym isn't it i don't think i'm not just trying to suck up to my gym total fitness does not give up i think if you go in there and see a man who's clearly on it and go hey where do you so go up to the biggest swole fucking vein in his head and go hey do you know that illegal thing why can't you help me out just use better words all right all right you'll get some dms now you'll be fine anyone who's got some juice, not Robinson's,

message Dan. Got any cordial, lad? I'd love some cordial right now. Let's get you some cordial. He means steroids. And we are back. I'm going to the Frog and Bucket's 30th birthday party

tomorrow night with Will Hutchby. Happy birthday, the Frog and Bucket's 30th birthday party tomorrow night with Will Hutchby. Happy birthday the Frog and Bucket Comedy Club. I will be in Swindon. Ah, well happy birthday Swindon. You love playing Swindon. It's where you grew up as a comic, innit? You were always down Swindon. I've actually done Swindon three times before, which is madder.

I've never done... I've done Swindon once. Where's Swindon? Is that down south? It's near Bristol. M4 Corridor. I've got to be honest with you. The tour I've never done I've done Swindon once where's Swindon is that down south it's near Bristol M4 corridor I've got to be honest with you the tour I've done I'm not going to tour

like this again because there is so many places near each other that I've done like I've already done Bristol and Bath and now I'm doing

Swindon and Newport and I've still got Cardiff to come that could have been two shows the routing for your tour also seems absolutely mental yeah last week when I did Bath then Dudley then Southend a cardiff to come that could have been two shows the routing for your tour also seems absolutely

mental yeah last week when i did bath then dudley then south end yeah that did feel like someone was having a laugh with me it's a little bit mental but it's difficult isn't it you're doing a lot of dates i don't think i'm gonna talk like this again so what do bigger rooms, bigger cities, less shows? I think I'm going to do much more warm-up shows and fuck around. And then I'll do a run of maybe 10 to 15 tour shows in big rooms and then that'll be it. Well, happy birthday, The Frog and Bucket. It's my birthday on Saturday.

And happy birthday, Carl Regler. When you're listening to this, Patreon's on Saturday, it's my birthday. Up the Depleted Reds on Sunday as well. I'm going to Wembley. Seneca's birthday. Maybe Klopp's last final. What?

No, hopefully not. Hopefully not, but could be. What do you mean depleted? What's up with them? Everyone's injured. Do you have a full team of injuries? I know Yotta's injured. So we've got no,

we've got no Alisson. So we've got no goalie. We've got no Trent Alexander-Arnold. Matter. Got no Stacey. So we've got no goalie. We've got no Trent Alexander-Arnold. Matip. Got no Stacey. No Trent, no Matip, no Sabaz Lai, no Thiago, no Jones, no Badsett. But we're still going to win the league. No Jota, no Nunes, no Salah.

So our actual... What? I know. It's basically a left back away from the full team. Yeah. Yeah. Damn. But like our first choice front three, all three of them are out.

Are you going to still win the cup? You know that? It'll be nil-nil again. But the thing to remember is, happy birthday, the Frog and Buffet. And Sereka's birthday on Sunday as well. And Sereka's birthday on Sunday. What are they doing for the celebrations of the Frog?

They're injuring another Liverpool football player. It's what everyone wants. They're going after a left back. And I know the left backs. They are Robertson, Simekes, and Gomez sometimes. Hey! He doesn't like football.

I don't. I'm not into it. But I follow it. Bang, right bang in the middle of the league one of them seasons where you're like oh are we going to play oh

or Everton find out whether we get our points back in the next couple of it's exciting isn't it I mean the football isn't but finding out how many points you get given or taken off

it's basically how many wins or draws we only get in the next couple of days we're not playing football yeah but what's going to happen when Man City are in League 2 that's going to be fun as well I believe what he said

the other day I think that was off pod the conspiracy about who owns them again uae is a yeah the uae the uae have a lot of money in this country as we know uh they essentially threatened the uk by saying if you city over we'll your economy over and it's such an obvious like that's not wild i was told that rumor by an Everton fan taxi driver so it is

it is like I understand but it is wild it would not be a direct threat it is wild that one of the

that one of the Emirates threatens a country because they've got fair play rules in their football and it's a bit wild but I'm not saying

it's completely ridiculous. The football's nearly finished anyway. It's got a couple of years left. So when the league's in need, we get like, the footy is nearly done. It's the most profitable, it's profitable,

it's ever been. It's going nowhere. Have you seen the blue card thing, Dan? I have, guys. But it dominates every other sport in this country. Like, you could combine all the other sports and they don't do the money that the Ferrari does.

No, no, but what Karl is saying, like... They're ruining it. They're fanning him with it. It's nowhere near as good to watch as it was five years ago. Oh, my God. That's Pep's fault. Like, 2013, 15, 16, them years. Because he's been too good.

So good. He's taken the individuality out of football. Yeah, but wait till Pep's in League 2. What's he going to do? No one scores bangers anymore. It's all about pass percentages. Sorry if you don't like football. It's all about pass percentages.

It's all about numbers now. It's all about having fun no more. I'm not even talking about the start of play because I still love watching Liverpool play because we're really, really good and it's fast and exciting. But the game's just, the time wasting

is so dull. Every team, that's, any team that's wasting, yeah, time wastes for 90 minutes. Yeah, because the gap is getting bigger

which is not their fault. They need some advantage and if that's wasting time, they're going to take it. One more player? Yeah. VAR. Like,

I don't celebrate goals anymore. We score and I look at the linesman and I'm like right is he oh are we right we're gonna

when you concede you go oh I hope they've somehow fucked this yeah initial celebration innit hey second one

it's it's fucking mad the soul is nearly gone it's nearly a middle class sport which is wild because it's the most fucking working class sport ever

done but the main thing is happy birthday to the frog and Bucket Comedy Club. That's what we're saying, isn't it? The death of football, but 30 years being one of the best clubs in the Northwest. Unbelievable. Do you want to do some questions?

Nice. Callum says, with Adam doing a marathon and you boys doing a charity bike ride, got me thinking, say a charity came to you with a fundraising idea. Is there any challenge you would love to do? And are there any you absolutely cannot...

Space race? Space? Space? Space? Space? Any? Nuclear arms race? Go.

Right. Are there any apps you absolutely cannot even entertain the idea of? The sea. Is there any you'd love to do and then we'll run through the ones he's put as suggestions? I wouldn't like to swim the Atlantic. So? Oh, so you'll swim the channel? Because Callum's put swim the channel? No. I think swimming's just a bad idea.

I think Atlantic is a push, innit? I'd be an impressive start. Lad, have you got a push? Has anyone ever done that though? No. No no you would die in very quickly Adam you need to stop at Ireland no I'm swimming around it

shouldn't have started I wanted to start in Liverpool I think it's the temperature as well as the distance isn't it oh yeah it's a long cold plunge

isn't it it's fine yeah cool I imagine it is the temperature ask the people on the Titanic and the fact it would

take you 16 months I think that's I think that's really going to cause problems I should sleep in what if you swam Ask the people of the Titanic. And the fact it would take you 16 months. I think that's really going to cause problems. Imagine sleeping. What if you swam it with a boat? Sorry, go on. What if you swam it with a boat alongside and you just get out every now and then and have a little cup of tea

and then you go right back in this water? So what if you say sailing Atlantic and everyone again jump in the sea? You could do that. Have a fucking paddle. Back you come. Let's do 100 miles. Adam's done that.

Do you know, Adam's gone round the world. Whenever you get on the boat, it has to, it has to dock. Oh. Dock. You know what I mean.

Drop the anchor. Drop the anchor. In the middle of the Atlantic, drop the anchor. How big's the anchor? Here's a question, by the way. What?

Should the anchor be eight? Do you know how anchors work? You can't drop an anchor in the middle of the Atlantic. No, that's the question. It's miles. No. Don't worry, lads. We've dropped the anchor be... Do you know how anchors work? You can't drop an anchor in the middle of the Atlantic. No, that's the question. It's miles. No. Don't worry, lads.

We've dropped the anchor. It's a big storm. Shouldn't the anchor be heavier than the boat? Yeah? That's the question, isn't it? How does it sit on the boat? How does the boat... Should the anchor be heavier than the boat?

How do you think anchors work? Weight. No. They're little hooks. As well as weight. It's not made out of breadsticks, is it? Should the anchor be heavier than the boat? How do you think anchors work? Weight. No, no. They're little hooks. Yeah, but as well as weight. It's not made out of breadsticks, is it? This is a ridiculous anchor. It's not heavier than the boat.

Yeah, well, we tried that one, Captain Carl, and it did sink the vessel in the fucking dock. That's amazing. It sink the boat. You know. Anchors are mad, aren't they? I think. They hook onto the floor, and then they don't move.

But what if the floor's soft? It has to be soft. Oh, it goes into the mud? Yeah. It's like a gold net peg. We don't know anchors. Do you know the pegs you put in a football net? Oh, I missed anchor class in school.

Fucking Johnny Anchor over here. Do you know how to do GCC anchor? No. I've put an anchor down before. Oh, my neck hurt then. What was that? Well, I got a boat and drove it round Capri, didn't I? And if you wanted to stop for a bit, you had to put the anchor down.

You can't do that in the sea. What? How big was the boat? I mean, how big did you have an anchor? I thought you were just in a little rowy rowy boat no it's an electric boat you thought someone was rowing around

complete not electric no I had a speedboat I kind of thought you had a speedboat well how fucking poo would that be

in my head he was just like what come on girl let's get round this island yeah if I say it's boats oh like the one we were on the end of the end of Tenerife?

A bit smaller. That was a nice one, wasn't it? Yeah. They were swingers then. Were they? I got a vibe. She was a woman, her. When did I go?

September. End of September. No, that was... That was... Oh, no, you're right. I can ask, wasn't I? When did I go to Italy? I don't know.

June? No. It was June. june july yes adam's holiday i googled what the longest swim ever was it's 155 miles in one go in one go we're doing that in a bike in one day that's way more than the champ is the channel about 15 20. it's not big is it but this was um not big as a david wall this was... It's not big, is it? David Walliams did it, didn't he? That's what I was driving, lad. Self yellow card. Have I seen that? Oh my God,

you suit that so much. You should be a drug runner. Yeah, I've seen that. I mean, the police said no. Of course, Garda. 155 miles? 155 miles 155 miles 55

that is bare swimming isn't it Pablo Fernandez yeah he was Cuban where did he go from and to Cuba to Florida to start a new life

100% it's just in Miami I couldn't swim a mile he ended up in Miami do you reckon you could swim a mile no I'm not a particularly strong swimmer I like splashing

I like standing in the pool, don't I? I just like being in water. I am an Olympic level splasher. I'll tell you that. I'm so conscious of my shoulder coming out when I'm in water as well. I can't be swimming the Atlantic and getting my shoulder popped out.

Chance, you could swim a mile. No. Bruh. Yes. Oh, I could. 1,600 meters? Yeah. You could.

How many lengths is that? It depends how big the pool is. Olympic size? Of course. If it's an 800 metre pool, it's just two lengths. Stop being a pussy. It's a big pool.

Yeah. I can see it. When we were in that boat in Tenerife, I was like, you could swim to the coast from there. You jumped off the boat and shit yourself? Yeah, no, that's the problem. I can swim, but I in that boat in Tenerife I was like you could swim to the coast you jumped off the boat and shit yourself yeah no that's the problem

I can swim but I'm scared of sharkies innit I'm not doing the sea and I'm not doing heights because they're the things I'm scared of skydive

well I've already done a skydive that wasn't even for charity that because I basically was a prick it was a forfeit yeah you made me leave me house never doing that again though

and it's not the falling it's the thing that's holding you in the air, making you feel like a fat twat. Yeah, but when you're swole, do it again. I'm going to be the same weight, but it'll all be muscle. Exactly. You'll look cool. What I'll do is I'll jump out of the plane,

no parachute, just twat the ground. Would you do animals? Would I have sex with an animal? For charity? No, but I mean... Who am I, David? No, we're not doing that. Would you get in with animals, Dan?

No. Because they, you don't know, do you? Sharks? Tanks? Should a shark have killed itself? What? Should a shark have killed itself? What?

On a kid's phone. So when you're in a shark tank, when you're in a cage underwater, the shark tried to get its head in and then spun and broke its own neck and just sank to the bottom. Oh, it didn't kill

itself. I thought you meant like it literally committed suicide. It looks like it does. I've had enough of being a shark. It was trying to kill

the person in the tank. It was trying to get in the cage like that and got its head in and then like shit itself and spun and then like falls back and snaps its neck and then just

slowly falls to the bottom. Can't they only swim forwards? And birds can't. But can't they only swim forwards? Yeah. And birds can't. No, but they can dance sideways. True.

Birds can't fly upwards either. It's a fact. They can't fly directly up. You have to do that. You have to like circle to get higher. Do you know, allegedly, I don't want to get sued by birds. Do you know the shark thing? I wouldn't recommend it. Do you know allegedly I don't want to get sued by birds do you know the shark tank

I wouldn't recommend it do you know the god it's been fun today more booze and the the thing with the shark tank is when people are like

oh it's mad it's scary you're like yeah because you're egging them on aren't you you're basically going fuck you'd love to eat this. And then they're like, why are we doing that?

Just leave them the fuck alone. Would you do that? Would you get in a shark cage? No, no, no, no, no, no. Also, where? I don't know. Who's looking after the cage? Who's running it?

Some international shark. Sharks are us. If it's a well respected shark tank company yeah is it fucking Pedro down the dock the Titanic guys no

I don't like it we put a bit of chum in it make them angry look at them swim they want to eat you I wouldn't do any sea stuff and no heights as long as I've got my

few family on the ground abseil a tall building that's heights yeah it is I wouldn't do that in the sea either an abseil a tall building a charity if it was the right charity have you done abseiling it is very fun i'm sailing yeah like i remember doing it is that like when you look like a window cleaner yeah but you just if you get confident with it and you and you can

really bounce down so you want yourself off i've done bouldering i've climbed up a waterfall climbed up a waterfall yeah bouldering in the lakes well it was uh it was actually girl scrambling with a bit of bouldering girl scrambling girl scrambling girl scrambling same words that i don't understand so fun and the waterfall caving can just fuck right off oh that is natural selection at its finest um the other one he uh the other two that he suggested were climb a mountain something easier than everest you've done kilimanjaro you pooed yourself near base camp didn't you but you've done it before haven't you this is will right i'll be honest i know i've know, off the pills up the hills and I've not started that yet.

I could see the appeal of doing it. But when you see the Everest ones and they're like, oh yeah, look, there's a dead body there.

Like, what are we doing? Apparently with Everest, there's like a queue of people because it's so... That's our famous picture, that NIMS page. So K2 is the hardest.

It's not the highest, it's the hardest. Right. What's K2? It's one of the eight highest peaks in the world right or 12 sorry but if you're gonna do it you do everest don't you there's no point climbing a mountain and going i climbed like the fourth biggest mountain yeah there's other consign everest laughing at you going no it's not that much bigger either

yeah it's 100 feet so you see yeah i don't want to die though like that it's too then cool adam on everest look at these fucking dickheads you died you dick should have not done that but they are stupid they've done something wrong haven't they just read up on it and do it properly and you won't die is there is there a there's a part of everest that's called like the death zone is it yeah you have to sleep in the death zone it's there with the oxygen levels and the uh weather um uh how like crazy the weather is nah and the bull run

now I know we've mentioned this a while ago I'd love to do that the bull run in Pamplona if you could do that for charity 100%

100% without a doubt and you saying you'd do it is very high risk because you've got the biggest bunda for the bulls haven't you

yeah I'd love to do that like the adrenaline for that would be wild I'd do that and it's also the adrenaline for that would be wild. I'd do that and it's also in Spain so we can get some lovely cheese. Finn, would you like to do

the section that you were doing that you put forward just the other week? The stuff we believed. Stuff we believed as kids. Yeah, we've got a few of them.

I'm going to hand it over to our raving correspondent. Yeah, we've had a few of them in this first one is from steven fail um things you thought as a kid i used to think that car parks were where cars went to play oh that's so innocent the name oh that's so cute if you watch Cars the film as a kid I imagine that is that was what would have happened never thought that but that's lovely though you're a menacing bastard my sister used to call car parks

parkarks and my kids still call the remote control the troll commode and Etta is still doing it and now Jack started doing it so he calls them a controller buttons which is a second no he doesn't yeah it's a second offense i call it i i once called it the presser and danny mack had a oh you just had one of the moments where he's like what you know when you you're mates with a

piss taker but i couldn't you know when you're just trying to i couldn't think of the word i was like where's the presser oh you had a had a fucking... Such a good time with that. Next one. Who's been a dickhead? Josh Shaw. Believed this till I was 16. The snowflake symbol on a microwave chilled things. Does it know?

It's defrost, isn't it? That'd be such a good microwave feature. By the way, has anyone ever used a microwave on any other setting than the one it's just always on for a bit? Like, I've never fucked around with 900 watts or 800 watts or... You haven't on 200.

We'll never cook anything in 20 minutes. I haven't had a microwave for years. Don't believe in them. They are real. I've got one. I just think they're shite. Everything tastes like microwave when it comes out. There's only a couple of things that can work.

Like the air fryer's better now. Yeah. But I mean, I've got a baby who drinks milk and it's just a quick. All right, show it off. What? I'm paid for it. Put the milk in the air fryer. Put the milk in the air fryer put the milk in the air fryer max crisp

comes out like cheese cake I haven't got a microwave but I've got a baby who drinks milk I don't believe in him so fucking flexing cunts you don't want a baby

you drink milk yeah fuck yeah I do you put your chips in I've got a microwave. Same place. That's a Peugeot. This next one's from Stio Hair.

I believe that a woman's water breaking was nine months worth of piss because the baby blocked the piss hole. Piss hole. Oh babe, me water's broke. Just piss. Pass the presser there. It's fucking brilliant.

That's not wild, though, is it? What did he say? Yeah. What is it, though? Is it cum? The ambionic sack. Am I saying that wrong? The ambiotic.

Embiotic. Embiotic. I don't know. It's the sack. It's his little swim pool, isn't it? Oh, right, okay. Yes, Kendra. Oh, that was the wrong thing.

But women do often release other stuff when they do that, don't they? They shit themselves when they have babies, don't they? Amniotic. Amniotic. Because, like, pushing the baby out. Yeah, because you're just pushing your muscles down there, so you're just forcing shite out. Did Laura shit herself?

She's C-section. Did she shit herself? She just shit herself anyway. She was like, anyway, we're all here, aren't we? Cut me open. Hey, take this. They actually took her shit out. I need a shite.

Did you have a shite? I was like, you need a shite here, love. I'll just get it in the bathroom. You don't even need to do it. In the waiting room. Baby, I know. It I thought the same thing. It's fucking NHS. I was told I was allowed to shit myself.

I'm getting what I paid for. I don't care how this baby comes out. So she didn't pay what she was due. Double C-section. There ain't no... I mean, with Etta, we went in. She was obviously breached, which means that she's trying to come down

like fucking water chute. Legs first. Legs first. We found out that she was in labor at 4.30 and Etta was born about four hours later. It all happened dead quick. Jack, she tried to do a natural birth. Four hours later is quick.

I'm mad, Zach. We were in Long Eaton Doctors at 4.30. Etta was born, no, 9.27 p.m. Can you imagine? Fucking hell, that moved quick. That was us driving to the hospital, sitting down. Then we had to wait a bit because Laura had eaten because we didn't know she was in labour.

Like, it was so fast. And then she was like, I need to get this shit ready because obviously I'm going to do one, aren't I? Do the poos I heard. Imagine doing a four-hour long one of them. And it's the biggest poo you've ever had it's a person with Jack she was in labour

for 26 hours I was a weekend me to come home Fridays and Mondays yeah I can't I was there

for the whole time and just I can't really remember just initially it's just she's in pain and it was boring and then I had a nap

and then she was more irritated because I was napping and then the doctor came in and went you need some dimorphine and then I just watched my wife do heroin smack and it was great, really funny. Do you know what Laura said sorry Finn, do you know what Laura said

when you had Jack, even though he wasn't planned, you had to carry him, would you have and you have to poo him out Oh so instead of it, she's like? And you have to pair them out? Oh, so, instead of it, she's like,

I don't know, that's your go. If it was possible. Yeah. No. You wouldn't have done it? If Laura could earn as well as me, no.

But you have to factor that in, don't you? I can't be, I'm earning all the money in the household. I just mean physically, do you reckon you could have done it? What you went through?

Probably not. I just, I'm getting the hair removal thing, the laser hair remover on my back it's really hurty my wife's had her whole biff done like i was there going ah it was fine on my back and then it got up to near my neck and she it was it's like a little like i don't know it's really hard to describe it's not like a tattoo that's why i'm a little bit but not like a little, like, I don't know. It's really hard to describe. It's not like a tattoo. That's why I'm asking. A little bit, but not, like a tattoo is weirdly, the piercing sensation is so repetitive that you get used to it almost.

It's just constantly uncomfortable. And I also had it done on my bum in front of a load of people. So the adrenaline was up. We did it at a podcast show and it was all, I almost played up to that. Because I tried to read a question while dean was doing my tattoo the this one you're more relaxed there's stuff on you and then all of

a sudden you just hear like it's like pinching horrible feel and i just came away going laura's had that done eight times on her biff wow so i think her pain threshold is definitely better than mine i think you would'd be a pussy boy. You would? Yeah. Do you reckon you could do the nine months worth of just chaos? I'd love to do it just to see how much women are exaggerating. Do you know what I mean?

Because they fucking go on about it, don't they? You do mention it. It's such a great statement, like equality. I'll do it, you know. I'll take it on. Just to get one over on fucking women. No Guinness, though. What?

You're not allowed to drink. No, you can if you speak to the right doctor. Yeah. Eight Guinness a day keeps the baby nice and small. Do you reckon you could go through all that morning sickness and all that? That was sad. Oh, shit. I didn't even get onto that.

That's awful. It's pretty funny, though. A get onto that. That's awful. That's pretty funny though. A little white head. What's your baby? Yeah, it's about a 6.2. You wouldn't know if the rest of it was black. That's a good point. But yeah, I'd do it.

I could train better, couldn't I? If I was off the aisle. You'd be pregnant. You'd be heavily pregnant though, wouldn't you? Adam on the test. You'd be pregnant. You'd be heavily pregnant though, wouldn't you? Adam on the test. It's Adam pregnant. He's just getting off the booze. The hangovers were awful.

So now he's carrying a child. There's no way carrying a child is worse than what I'm going for today. Not a chance. Your hangover? Yeah. Hello, women of TikTok. There's not a chance carrying a baby feels worse and is more painful than how i felt this morning when i woke up not a not a chance isn't it full of shit what

isn't every day a hangover though isn't every day a hangover if you're pregnant like every day you wake up feeling sick and shit and you can be allergic to it, can't you? I think for most pregnancies, it's like first three months is a bit rough with sickness and stuff. Then you get the middle trimester, the second one where everyone's golden. What's the sex one? The middle.

And then third is uncomfortable and that's when it's business time. But that's when you're meant to smash the back doors off the mat, aren't you? Is it? Women get horny in the third trimester and if you fuck them, then they have the baby sooner he's getting off friends

is that from friends? no but it is true it is in friends but it's also true like fucking can get the baby out quicker and I think it's because the baby sees the dick coming in and they're like I'm out of here mate touching that whoa

it's created isn't it it's like meeting God God's just a big car he probably is isn't he I'll finish this Guinness I'll be out in a sec it's just piss right

we got we do yeah keep going I like these by the way we got a couple more of these I like these this is from Daniel Chapman

when I was younger my dad bought me a pair of binoculars and said to me don't look at the sun with them or it will bring the sun closer. I guess to stop burning my eyeballs out. Obviously, I did it later that day.

And then the following day, the news was banging on about global warming and how the planet is dying. So then I thought it was my fault for years. That sounds like you, Finn. Did you write that one? I didn't. I didn't, but it does sound like me. Oh, that's so good.

Don't look at the sun, especially not with a magnifying glass on each eye. When was the last time you looked through binoculars? It's such a fucking... Oh, I used to have some with Nan's. I used to love them. My granddad had some, yeah. For no reason, in the back bedroom,

he had binoculars. What was he doing? Do you want to use these? Why? To see the back of your garden bear onto the altar like a field so he wasn't like perving but why were they there why do all people love binoculars they do don't they my grandma had two pairs yeah one in the bed one in the bedroom and one in the living room what was he

that's all fucking pairs well my granddad had is to go down to Blackpool Airport and look at the planes. That's what he said. Which at the time was the most fun. I mean, if you're going all the way to the airport, you don't need the binoculars. Just stand closer. The planes there. No, look at that. It's 20 yards away, granddad.

I know. Lovely. Because you need to check the registration plate. What for? You have to write them down. Oh, I was going to say, I've seen it. Use a plane spotter. Registration plate.

Like the number on the side. The little number on the side. They them down. Oh, to say I've seen it. Use a plain spotter. Registration plate? Like the number on the side. The little number on the side. They've got like a reg, haven't they, on the side. So he'd get his binoculars out and he'd be like, KX9273, and he'd be like, alright, grandad, we've got that. Where's this going? Is this important? He was like, yeah, it's important. Will this be put in a drawer and forgotten forever?

Yeah, it will. Do you reckon you've ever seen the same pigeon twice? Yeah. Do you reckon you've ever seen the same pigeon twice? Yeah. Do you reckon you've ever seen the same pigeon twice? Yeah. It's easy as well. Look at one. Three times. He's gone.

Fast little cunt. I mean, on different days. You'd never know, Carl, would you? No. It's a pertinent question. I've definitely seen the same seagull twice. Go on. Just because there's a seagull that just essentially lives on our wall.

As you know, it's not like a load of seagulls doing shifts. Like guards? No, because there's one every year. There's just the wall seagull every year. There's just one that just sticks around. And one year he had a dodgy leg. So that one was definitely the same because he had a gammy leg why are they on your wall i'm not sure is it i think it's you think the animals know that you're

a natural pedophile hunter you need to be protected so my nan lived in our house before we did we swapped houses when we were like six or buffetta no no oh yeah british nan and she used to feed all the all the uh seagulls and stuff so i think it's just like uh evolution they've just gone someone feeds us here the seagull people made a promise to your grandma years ago to protect her family feed them uh no my mom does occasionally i get annoyed what would you feed them bread you get annoyed about it yeah because it attracts seagulls and then my car's covered in seagull shit. One massive, dirty seagull shit on Laura's car. I swear to God, we couldn't get it off for fucking ages.

It was horrible. I'd shoot a pigeon's head off. Soon as... You just do that for fun. Yeah. Would that be bad? Is that illegal to... Kill an animal in the public, yeah? In the that for fun. Yeah. Would that be bad? Is that illegal to kill an animal in the public? In the public?

Yeah. Yeah. That's not bad, is it? They're all protected by the king, aren't they? Am I getting a pass for that? Seagulls now. Pigeons, you can blow their flying rats, aren't they? Oh, I'd do the other way around.

I like a pigeon. Oh, seagulls are fun. Seagulls are annoying. You look a bit like a pigeon, don't you? Me? Or him. Because you look like Richarlison a little bit. I look like a pigeon?

A little pigeon-y. Don't take that the wrong way. Oh, I won't. Don't worry. Go on, Nicky. Thank you. This is all due respect, you little Richarlison pigeon.

I don't think you heard him. He said you look like a pigeon. Oh, is that what he said? Yeah. I don't think you heard him. He said you look like a pigeon. Oh, is that what he said? Yeah. I don't like that. I'm not a pigeon. What about if he said you look like a seagull?

Oh, that's... Don't say that. You do look a bit bird-like, though. You know what I mean? Bird? I don't. You're a bit beaky. He's saying you've got a big nose. Are you just saying I've got a big nose?

No, but it isn't a big nose. It's just a beaky nose. You look a bit orthology-ish. Like, Dan looks like a cartoon mouse, doesn't he? Yeah, like Danger Mouse. You know what I mean? Looks like Danger Mouse. You're a bit beaky as well.

You look a bit like a... You're a more regal beard, like a hawk or something. Oh, yeah, thank you, Adam. He's a posh bird and I'm the fucking scum of the earth. He's not posh. He's, like, dangerous. Yeah, I'd smoke you. Looks like a bad guy. You look like a mink. He's got Kestrel vibes. or something oh yeah thank you Adam so he's a posh bird and I'm the fucking scum of the earth he's not posh he's like dangerous you know what I mean looks like a bad guy

he's got Kestrel vibes Kestrel vibes like something Kestrels aren't bad guys he's like a like a raven or a hawk or something

and you're his little pigeon mate that's okay my best friend's a raven or a hawk you're a pigeon he'd eat you we've got one more of these. I've saved the best one till last, I think.

This one's from Amaya. Are you following that? Yeah. You pigeon fuck. Until I was a teenager, I believed that all the letters my parents received from Milton Keynes were from some male friend I'd never met. I wondered why I'd never met or even heard of him

and had convinced myself they were in some sort of dodgy trouble. Milton Keynes? There's a bloke called Milton Keynes. Why is he getting so many letters from Milton Keynes? Maybe they were in trouble. And he was writing on their letters where they're sending it from. It's on the return address.

Oh, yeah. I thought it was on the... Either. Shows how much I know about mail. Also, the top line says the name. What? The top line of the return address says the name. Usually, name usually doesn't it yeah but it could be a company it just says milton keynes all right hang on the stamp on a thing says where it's been stamped doesn't it i thought

back in the day stamp them sometimes they don't stamp them do things and then people reuse the stamps my nan used to do that hey i saw big I saw Big Charles on his first stamp with the king on. Didn't like it. I haven't seen many more. Have you seen his 50 mil to change his logo? What? He's changed the logo. He's got Alex Cowley, mate.

He's cheaper than that. I know. Do you know the crown logo? Yeah. He's changed the shape of the top of the crown. And apparently it's going to cost us 50 mil. Yeah. It's important, though, isn't it?

It's not going to be long though, is it? On his way out, he's got fucking bumhole cancer, mate. He's going to foot and die like and foot and willy is going to take over and someone's going to blow his head off and then we're going to have King George and he's going to be foot and nine years old.

And that's the news. And we are back. We are back. And Mark Nelson's here with us. He's one of our own. He's one of our own, that boy Mark Nelson. He's all right. Have a word, royalty mate.

Have you been in this? Have you done an episode in here? Nah, we were talking about this just before we came on. The only time I've been in this studio was when Will broke us in after the arena show. And yous all got hammered in there. So me and Kai came in. What?

Did you have a, like a fucking fur jacket on or something? Like a big pimp's type. Oh, that was mine. Was that yours? Oh, was that defiled? No, no. Well, he was cutting about in it

like fucking Huggy B. And then we all got photos sitting on each other's knees all the photos on the wall yeah just drank a lot of the drink here yeah yeah we've never really replenished it to be honest with you we keep an excellent larder don't we what do you call it when you keep a good bar yeah but for the amount of boozing we hardly ever drink it i know it's one of those globe things oh i love them you know like But for the amount of boozing that we do. Why don't you call it when you keep a good bar? Keep a good bar. We hardly ever drink it. You need to get one of those globe things.

Oh, I love them. You know, like a big Bond villain globe. He's got, you know, you've got a globe. Oh. I thought you had one in your old flat. Do you know what? I've got a drink shortly, but I don't even drink at all. I had a unit full of alcohol from Ikea.

A fiabolo. You are a unit full of alcohol. I left about... By the way, your eyes look blind without them on. Do they? Bad? Yeah. Yeah, I know, yeah. But I'm trying to... I want people to be able to read my emotions.

Sad, sad. Look, I had a few pints last night. Is it a crime? Is it a crime? Is it a crime? It isn't To have fun with your friends It isn't But if you drive now

It's a crime Well, I didn't drive this morning No, you're good, aren't you? I got an Uber this morning Because I thought It might be dangerous You were right I think you were right

That instinct was good But I left about two thirds of my alcohol In the old flat And the way I did it With the old building I said to them hey what i actually meant was i i can't be arsed getting rid of all this stuff i went don't use a favor there load of ale i'm not taking with me you can have that yeah and there's two

rooms of shite as well but that's the cost of the ale yeah there was no there was shite and also there's a one of the lads who works in the building as i was leaving was like me mate's a big fan it's his birthday next month his name's owen would you do a little video for him and say happy birthday so i did it uh in exchange for my meat that i left in the freezer so uh because i was holding your meat hostage well what happened was just getting meat to hold a copy of today's newspaper i forgot me meat right and uh it's expensive meat i get meat imported so as i was leaving it's like we do a video for my friend and i look like shit so i was like i'll do it when i'm like ready tomorrow in the house when i got home i was like i'm i'm fucked here i've left me meat so i messaged the lab back on

instagram i was like hey i'll do that video for've left me meat. So I messaged the lad back on Instagram, I was like, hey, I'll do that video for your friend if you give me me meat. Did you have to do a meat meet? Yeah, I had to go back and pick me meat up from the old building. What kind of meat do you get imported? Sugar-pipped bacon. Sorry, what? Sugar-pipped bacon.

Oi, stupid, it's not bacon. We've learned that. You think it is, you know, because of the word bacon. stupid it's not bacon we've learnt that you think it is you know because the word bacon it's fucking not it's basically like bone in gammon

right but it's got a sweetness to it because it's like cured in sugar where does it come from Argentina Northern Ireland imported from the

same place quite the business you've got going here it's great and I've got some lamb from there that I haven't used yet, but I used the sugar for bacon on Sundays.

Sugar-fit lamb? Yeah. Is it Johnny Bongo's butcher? I know Butcher Farrell's better. No, he isn't. He is. Meet Peter. Peter Hannan is the guy.

Themeatmerchant.com, hashtag not an ad. Butcher Farrell, get on there, it's going to be well better. Do you know what happened just very quickly when we were talking about drinks we've got like this

kind of antique thing that my wife bought to keep drinks in I don't really drink spirits that much I just drink beer most of the time so we've got all

these spirits and we'd lost a key for it in our house move and we're trying to get in it because I was trying to get some vodka

for something and we couldn't we couldn't get in right cocking yeah because I was trying to get some vodka for something. And we couldn't get in, right? Cocking. The school run. We were kind of discussing this, me and Amy. And my son Seamus came in and went,

I'll open that for you. And I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? He went to the kitchen drawer and got a butter knife and just jimmied it open. Just watching an eight-year-old Scottish child jimmy open a drinks container. How did he know? I've never felt as proud in my life.

Now go and get us a BMW 5 Series. Good lad. But the lad I did the video for, he didn't send me a thank you saying, oh, nice one for the video. He just sent me a DM on Instagram last week, and it was just a photo from a photo booth in Teddy's of me, Alfie Brown, and Garrett Miller

fucking hammered. So when they've been clearing out my flat, they found that photo, and they've given it to this kid, which is actually illegal. So I'm suing. Is it illegal? It's my property.

It's a picture of me. Can't just be giving pictures of me to people. I bet that guy's shitting, innit? This is the guy who couldn't empty a drinks cabinet or two rooms of shit. I don't think you're getting sued, mate. I don't think he's going to do the admin. What are you in for? Murder. What are you in for?

I gave somebody a picture I don't know if you've heard of photo booths but yeah I get me meat from abroad I don't like when Johnny Bongo did the podcast for the first time

he brought me some meat and it was life changing Mark so I I don't know if you can call that abroad though there isn't abroad why because i don't know abroad's gonna be i think abroad is anywhere you have to get on a plane if you get you don't have to get on the plane you do that you don't have to get on a plane anywhere that's there you go you do you don't know no no what all this What? All the crocodiles. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. The Fiji crocodiles. Great team.

Yeah. Right. So you ship in your... I'm sure there's someone around here doing good stuff. I say I ship it in. It's a semi-regular thing because this was in my freezer for so long that I forgot about it

and it goes out of date this month. You know when you say you ship it in, you're just ordering it online. He's bought it twice. You're not going down, meeting them on the docks and they're like, here's half a kilogram of cocaine,

here's two shooters, and there's your sugar bacon. Cocaine. Cocaine. Cocaine. Cocaine. Cocaine. That's how they don't get caught. Busy. You fucking busy.

That's how they don't get caught. I'm not importing cocaine. I'm importing cocaine. Okay, officer. I'm really getting into me cooking you know yeah we knew that three years ago no me cooking and me fashion it's gone we've replaced it that is a bastard of a kit by the way mark nelson i want to say that as a scottish person thanks that's not a scottish person officer a bastard in the positive absolute beauty of a that is a classic fucking kit

yeah is that Adidas doing its finest work yeah we've not won I don't think we've won in it yet well don't

it's not for winning it's not making it's got to be quite a few Scotland kits don't surely the majority I don't think you can blame that shit

you've been good though recently it's just for the memorial fucking centenary yeah we created this for the england game and uh i was well up well up for the england game and then jude bellingham decided he was well up for it decided he was the best player in the world that night uh that was fucking amazing because it's the first time because i take my wee boy my girl to every

single scotland game that was the first time they've experienced like an actual rivalry all right kind of thing so there was like a mental english guy had got off a bus and was had just been drinking for like fucking 9am and just yelling at scottish fans and my wee girl was horrified and my wee boy was like you know you you could sense that kind of thing like get me a butter knife if this kicks off i'm fucking in on this but yeah so so so you've literally because i mean i follow you online and then you post it it's great as a dad i respect it because your kid's a bit older than mine yeah and you've been going to the games and it's a big deal. They're into it,

but you've been seeing like Estonia in a group phase and then fucking Norway or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And all of a sudden it's the old- I've been taking them to the real shite games. Take them home and away. No, no, we've not been away. I've been away, but I've not taken them away. But me and my wee boy Seamus,

we're going to Germany together for the Euros. That for the euros but uh oh it'll be great fun uh but there's a fucking like you won't you won't get it with england but there's like a there's a group of people that have jumped on a bandwagon with scotland in the past year and a half and they piss me off beyond belief oh really there's a huge amount of comics that i've just jumped on where you go when's the last game you went to and i've been i gave him my life how come you're starting up a fucking podcast about the euros then oh yeah where were you for a stone you're in the group exactly exactly oh so it's sort of like got cool again because they're basically winning.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like anything when you get, you start getting success. Where did you do the away day? Where was the, because that's one thing I've never done and I'd love to do, not with England. Full stop. I'd love to do a fucking away trip.

I did Paris when McFadden scored. I was at that game. Nice. That was the best. Have you done a ways? Have you done Liverpool a ways for Europe and stuff? I mean,

not UK a ways. The only European a way I've done is Villareal. Me and Finn went. Semi-finals. Oh yeah. And you were in a fucking plastic box in the sky.

Yeah. And he had a pint of vodka. That was the most pissed I've ever been in my life. Oh, it was so funny. You know, because in Europe

there's no measures. Yeah, yeah. So we walk into this bar. We've told this story before, but we walk into this bar right next to the Villareal's ground and there was very little segregation,

but everyone was just great. And we walk in and I go, I'll have a pint, please. And he goes, oh, I don't really like lager, and I'll be pissed. Just gives us like a vodka Diet Coke.

And she gets the bottle and I'm not joking, she fills it to about there and then the rest is Diet Coke. And I nail me pint in about three minutes and go to him. Do you want another one? And he goes, I can't drink again for the rest of the day. He's like, this is me done.

And I hadn't really considered. He had about 400 mils of vodka. I love it. And she was like, luckily, this is Diet Coke. So it's good for him. I was embarrassing myself to Red Men TV. I was like, I've watched you since I was nine years old. I love you guys.

It was a class. Such a good game as well. I did the same when I met the Teletubbies for the first time. You started watching them? I was watching. But you've got to go to Teletubbies versus Villarreal away, haven't you? Oh, yeah, once they get going. In their title race a couple of years ago,

this came upon me. It came upon me in memories, but we arranged a patron special on the day I was supposed to be in Oxford for a tour show. And Oxford hadn't sold brilliantly. It was the one date that was struggling. I remember this.

So I postponed it because I was like, right, it's the only day everyone else can do a special. So we'll postpone Oxford by a month. And everyone got their money back

or like, move the tickets. And we did the patron special. And we were done by like one o'clock in the afternoon. And I was like, right,

so Liverpool play Villa away. And on my way back, my mate texted me and was like, I've got a ticket there for you for Villa away tonight do you want it he's like I'm the coach is leaving um from the Bolshev market which is a five minute walk from where I lived at the time in like half an hour do you want to go but you're gonna have to be here in half an hour and I was like fuck it I'll go yeah it's like it doesn't matter does it they're on the front row and it's

Liverpool Villa in a title race and it was on Sky Sports and I so as we scored it panned and I'm just going off I'm stood on the fucking advertising board going fucking mental and there's people from Oxford going

when Adam cancelled his filming commitments was it Sky Sports he was talking about because it looked like I'd just gone Liverpool in a title race fuck the lorries

I'm not doing Oxford I'm going Villa away there's people in Oxford just throwing their oars down. It's a fucking disgrace. Oh, everybody. You were like front and centre. It's like Sky picked you out.

I was in the middle of the telly. It wasn't like, is that Adam in the corner? It was me and the rest. I'm in the middle of the front row of the entire Liverpool and with my foot on the habitat. I'm like getting it. Busted. You'll never play Oxford again.

See you in a month. Where's the one you want to go? Where's the away day that you'd pick? If you could do any. Yeah, that'd be good. Dortmund away in a European game. I'd quite like... I'd like to play Holland and Amsterdam, quite like I'd like to do I'd like to play Holland

and Amsterdam actually I'd like to go away to that one that's why you don't want to be there Finn but then it's great because we've already started talking about because the fact that the next

World Cup is in America, Canada and Mexico and you start going the finals in New Jersey is it? yeah we're going America, Canada, and Mexico. And you start going, oh, oh, oh. The finals in New Jersey. Is it? Yeah. Oh.

We're going. At the New York, New Jersey stadium. Yeah. Because they can't do the actual names. Oh, yes. Because they're all sponsored. All the brands off, yeah. Yeah.

So AT&T or whatever, it's not allowed. So that's now the Dallas stadium. Yeah. But that would be class. Imagine. We have had similar conversations. I'd have loved to have- The Super Bowl in Vegas, that would have been- There can't be much better cities.

Now that I've been to Vegas, I'd rather go anywhere else. Vegas, I just found was a bit poo. What? It's got really good reports for a Super Bowl. Yeah. Because Stadium is close to downtown. All of the people who do podcasts

that I listen to, the reports have come in. Like, they did San Francisco a few years ago and it's Santa Clara, I think, which is two hours

from where all the media commitments were in traffic that it take, it was just a fuck around. In Vegas, apparently, people were walking

like 10, 15 minutes and they were the next thing. So it's gone down very well. Plus Vegas, I think $185 million was bet on the Super Bowl. How big is that? The Super Bowl. Can Dan shoot that? He can't miss it.

$185 million in one night. So they loved it, obviously. They've had everything though, haven't they? They've had the Formula One. Yeah. Why do you like Vegas? I just felt like maybe we did it wrong you know no i think it's just overrated if you only know if this loss is stagnant yeah it was good it was like the best week of my like yeah but there's loads he is there wasn't there with loads of money to waste we went to watch the

ufc we didn't go to gamble we went for an event that wasn't really taken over. How long were you there for, though? Four days, five days. See, that's a fucking good amount of time to... There's nothing to do. The number one thing that's listed to do is go to the Grand Canyon, which is a four-hour drive away. What do you mean there's nothing to do? Name three things to do.

I went to see the Beatles love show. Yes, I did. No, you didn't. Yes, I did. The Beatles? I didn't see the Beatles love show. Yes, I did. No, you didn't. Yes, I did. The Beatles. I didn't see the Beatles. Oh. I didn't. We live in Liverpool.

We're on a flight to fucking Vegas to go see a Beatles tribute. It's not a tribute. It's a fucking Cirque du Soleil show. The Beatles Cirque du Soleil. I've got to be honest with you. If we'd have seen that, we'd have gone. And also, I've just realized

Finn has found a new fucking utopia that he wants to make it to honest to god you like i i lost my shit it was the very last night we were there we saw david copperfield two stars apparently let's like so you didn't gamble we did we did right so my system sort of i realized for number two I was going to go Hooters. There's not more than three things to do and the Beatles circus isn't one of them.

It's not a circus. It's not like you don't have a fucking George Harrison doesn't ride a fucking elephant. It's not a... That would be good. That would be good.

Weekend at Bernie's George Harrison. But no. It's... Have you ever seen Cirque du Soleil? No. I'd never seen it at all. It's just a big circus. It was nothing that I was into.

But then I went with Milo and Brett Vincent and Barry Castagnola. Oh. And we took mushrooms before we went to it. Yeah, but that's the mushrooms. You did drugs and it would have been great. You did drugs and we'd be serious. Well, there's's the mushrooms. You could have done that in fucking Blackpool and it would have been great. You did drugs and went to the circus. Well, there's number three thing.

That's the third thing you can do in Vegas. Take drugs. Why are you saying that in a... You should do that anyway. That's not Vegas. Oh, mate. Don't say take drugs and go to the circus and it's shit. That's fucking quality.

That's not Vegas. You can't do that in Rotherham, can you? Why? Why not? What? It's not going to be fucking Cirque du Soleil. Go to Cirque du Soleil in London then? Right.

Vegas is overrated. You haven't named three things and it's like, you can do that? I've named three. No, the circus isn't one. Mushrooms isn't one either. Mushrooms is. Gambling. Hooters, I had that.

Yeah, there's one in town. Gambling. There is. Is there one? The big one? The big hooter? There's a big hooter. There is one in town. There is. Is there one? The big one? The big hoo? There's a big hooters in town. There is a hooters.

Oh, I thought you said whores. You said hooves. I thought you said whores. I was like, Mark's definitely married. She's very relaxed. Number four, whores.

That's why you said when you went, oh, there's a big one in town. I was like, I haven't heard about the big whore. Big Stacy in the middle of town. Aye, fucking wrongness. But you're struggling to sell Vegas unless you want to gamble.

The big ball thing now. Yeah, that's 800 pounds to get in. So see, you too. No, you didn't specify money. All you can do is gamble and eat and drink. And why, that sounds fucking class. What can you do in other cities, Carl?

Go to another city, break. What do you do? Give me one. Like, say you went to fucking Madrid. Yeah. Spanish food. So, food. But there's a bit of culture there, isn't there? Vegas is only gambling.

He hates culture. He hates walking around looking at buildings. No, I fucking don't. You've said it on here. No, well, I don't believe it. It's just a city break. I was like, Vegas, wow, life changing. I've got to go to the casino.

There's casinos everywhere. But it's the one big whore. Like, Vegas is great, but it's not the place people make out to be, is what I'm saying. I'd rather go to... Nashville's so much better than Vegas. Oh, no, I imagine it is.

It's so much better. I booked to go back to Nashville when we were in Vegas because I was sad about how shit Vegas was. I think... But the hotel we stayed in... Go on. ...was designed to look like King Arthur's Castle. Can't get that in Madrid.

Are you realising? The fucking rollercoaster that goes through New York, New York. Alton Towers? No, but there's no other rollercoaster that goes through a city at night. When he's listing the good stuff, you can't just list all the places you can do that. I know, but I'm saying it's overrated. It is, yeah. It probably is overrated,

but it's still class. Yeah. I think that being the best week of your life, that was nothing to do with being in Vegas. It was the people you were with and what you were there for.

Yeah, fucked. Sloss took you all to fucking, like, sterling off Duncan. If I'd had to pay for it, it wouldn't have been the best week of my life.

Holy shit. Was it covered? Sloss basically paid for... He didn't pay for everything. He paid for a lot. Wow. Which was very kind. Nice.

Yeah, I don't know. I think I've been to better places. New York's better. I'd probably agree with that, yeah. Nashville's better. I've already been to two places in America. That's better. I'm going back to both of yeah. Nashville's better. I've already been to two places in America. That's better. I'm going back to both of them this year as well.

And I think I decided yesterday that I'm going to go to Chicago and Texas in August. I thought you were doing the Edinburgh Festival. I've decided that I might go to America. We're also not doing anything else with the podcast then. Podcast's finished. Get used to seeing Ishan here. Because he's going to be.

That's fair enough. You've got to live your life man live your life we do gigs we do gigs here or you just visit I haven't decided yet Luke Combs was playing in Texas and I haven't seen him

for a few months so has he changed the set up much yeah has he he's touring his last two albums now that's the new tour we haven't seen that

he's just added another hour to the tour he did two hours. Now he's doing three. I honestly... Do you know what? It's not even a joke. He probably is.

He did more than two hours. I think he did two hours. It was because we got there at fucking four o'clock. We got there at four in the afternoon and watched everyone. He did like a greatest hit that tour. That was just his back catalogue and he did maybe like two or three songs

off his newest albums, but he's now touring his last two albums as one show. We did Adam's Nebworth. Yeah. We did that. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Country music proper.

Yeah. Are you into it? I do like it. Yeah. Do you know? He'll be into it if you pay for him to go to America and pay for his ticket. Well, I did that for all of you. I'll be an idiot.

I took all of you. With our company? With our company. Oh, yeah. Thank you be banging to it. I'll be banging to it. I'll be banging to it. I'll be banging to it. I took all of you. With our company? With our company. Oh, yeah. Thank you so much, mate. What a lovely gift. If you pay for me to do anything, I'll be well into it.

Like, you know those hostels they have in Serbia where they kill people? I want to go to Serbia. If you pay for me to go to that, I'll buy a T-shirt. Is there one? Because we're running out of Patreon special ideas. Is there one?

I'd love to go to Serbia Serbia's pretty cool yeah it seems sick what's sick about it just seems like it's so different is there a hooters one big whore

gambling Alton Towers just seems like cold and fun just seems different doesn't it I like different I really love the fact

that you thought I just said one big whore who else the fact that I took I just said one big whore. Who is? The fact that I took mushrooms before it. I thought you kept saying it. Just me, Milo and Barry hanging off this one big whore. Drugs, the circus and hordes. Can I get that in Motherwell?

Fact. You can. Yeah, you can. In one house. You fucking can. At the bus stop, you can get... It might not be safe to say,

but it'd be a knock-on place. What's the favourite place? And the drugs and whores would be fucking well better. What's the favourite place you've ever been? Is Vegas the favourite place? Your number one place?

Nah, it probably is New York, actually. Yeah. Or Magaluf. Toss-up. Yeah, like, what's the favourite place you've ever visited? Like, where's your, like,

I'll go there. I'll go there I go there every year For the rest of my life I have to admit Nashville was Pretty fucking incredible Cities that I've loved the most I'm so gutted We didn't move there you know

Because we were so close We really Like in a moment We were quite close weren't we While we were out there We were thinking about it I was thinking about it I was talking about it.

I was talking all of you into it. You just kept saying it. That's a different thing. But then you did ask Laura, and she said, I just don't want my kids to get their head blown off. She's stupid, isn't she? We were there eight days after a school shooting. But that is what she said, isn't it?

She was like, I would, but I don't want to put them in the line of fire. No, she wouldn't. We had a serious chat about moving to Dublin and she poo-pooed it. Good? Gun laws. When?

What? As soon as you don't want to do this podcast anymore. I was like, as soon as Carl is emotionally done with Everwood. Okay, 20 years. Yeah. No, she's not moving anywhere. But truly, America's amazing.

Would the gun thing not do your head in a bit? Like at the chiefs uh parade someone they just got in a fight it's just a fucking are you looking at me are you looking at my bird and they started shooting and i know it's a specific instance that's like just magnified because of the scale of like how how big the event was but this is happening all over the gaff maybe not in every part of America, but it would do my head in that. It would worry me. Do you reckon they're all in?

You're just going to meet some psycho. And then the people on the right go, we haven't got a gun problem. We've got a mental health problem. You're like, that's not a mental health problem. That's a fucking chav problem. That's aggro, aggy cunts, a bit pissed, starting a fight and having guns on them.

And that would happen over here if we all had guns people like all british people are different with guns we just don't have them like we think we're better than they're like crazy aren't they but i've seen knobheads out on the street pissed like if they had a gun on them that's where it would end up it would play on my mind a bit as much as i think america's amazing i love the culture and i love the sport and there's so much about it I love. Nashville was amazing. I think that might stop me wanting to live there.

No? Would you own a gun if you lived there? Yeah, 17. Just for the vols. The big vol. The Super Vol. If he comes for you. You'd have to own a gun.

That's why everyone else has a gun, because everyone else has got guns. Because if the King of England comes knocking, you need to protect your house. I didn't understand it till we spoke to that guy at the gun range. And then I was kind of like, I kind of understand.

Of course, because there's fucking guns everywhere. And they're like, hang on, if someone, now that's the only thing, if someone comes in your house, what are you allowed to do with them? And we all stood there like, you're basically reasonable force you could hit them but if they turn away you can't hit them again and he looked

at us like you're fucking stupid and you're like yeah it is because if someone comes in your house and you've got kids upstairs you should be allowed to blow their head off i sort of do believe that like what are you doing in here and and they've gone so far down the line where well if you've got a gun and you're trying to get in my house, I'm going to kill you. Blow their head off. Yeah. Yeah.

The thing with Americans is, like, that gets cited, oh, well, they've, you know, they want to be able to form a militia against the government. So that's why they want guns. That's one of the old things, isn't it? But you're like, the government have

a lot more firepower. Like, we've seen it happen in wars. They've got drones. So I don't think if the US government turn on them. On their military. You're fucking going in the safes and protecting. Have you got surface-to-air missiles? Do you not think you should be allowed to blow something's head off?

If someone broke into your house and said, you were at the top of the stairs, and you're like, what are you doing in here? And he's like, I'm coming up to fucking rape your missus, and I'm going to kill her. You don't think you should be allowed to be like, kill her? This guy, really, he's a Ron Seal burglar. He just...

He hasn't came up yet. I'm going to come up there. Do you know, hey, lad, I am so confident I'm going to tell you exactly what I'm here for. As if Colin goes, hey, have you broken in? Yeah. What are you here for? Well, let me tell you

because I tell you what I am a rapist I'm a murderer but I'm not a liar no I my pigs are at a list wait until I check my notes

hang on what address is this my first my first move would be to barricade the bedroom and protect us not to just go and murder someone

I wouldn't be like but he won't get me gone and blow his head off barricade the bedroom and protect us, not to just go and murder someone. I wouldn't be like, but he won't get me going and blow his head off. Barricade the bedroom? Yeah, you push the wardrobe in front of the door or the bed, they can't get in. They can't. How? Push it off.

What do you mean? Push it off. How fast are you at moving wardrobes? This guy's... How long are your stairs? He's downstairs shouting up that he's coming up. You're on the stairs? You're on the stairs. This is a rampant rapist.

He's already got his dick out. Where's your gun? Under your pillow. You've heard someone break in. You've picked your shotgun up. Off the floor. You always get the shotty. And you just go down and blow his head off.

What are you here for, lad? What are you here for? I mean, what do you mean? What if he goes? What if he says? I don't know. I don't know. You go get out.

This is my house. And he goes, no I'm not getting out. I'll blow your head off. So he goes. I'll blow your head off. Get out or I'll blow your head off. You got three, two, one. Fuck on.

Oh he does a countdown. Like an angry mum. One. I count to three. I'm going to shoot you in the head. Two. Two and a half. If you're in, you're in. Two and three quarters. If you're out, you're out. Two and three quarters. Two an angry mum. One. I count to three. I'm going to shoot you in the head.

Two. Two and a half. If you're in, you're in. Two and three quarters. If you're out, you're out. That bloody door. How mental would that be? Have you broken into my house? Yeah.

What are you here for? Don't know. Right. Well, I'm going to barricade the bedroom. Please don't steal me sandwiches. Sorry, if someone breaks into your house, you go, why are you here? You would ask that question.

Why are you here? In America, if they go, obviously you've just got to check it's not Serica coming back. I will shoot anything I see. Fucking girls night out. But you've just got to assume that they're there for, you know, malice.

You've got to ask because you can't like blow someone's head off and then realise he's holding a fucking postcode lottery for them. 2 a.m. The postcode lottery are. 2am, the postcode lottery have come in. No one really understands

what the postcode lottery is. They might break in at 3am. Also, you've got to ask, he's come to rape and murder. What do you mean, ask? What are you here to do? No, not rape and murder.

Are you sure? No, definitely not rape and murder. Okay, so you haven't asked, but you've gone, lad, get out of me fucking house. He's gone, I'm going to fucking kill you in your bed. I'm going to rape and murder. Are you sure? No, definitely not rape and murder. Okay, so you haven't asked, but you've gone, lad, get out of my fucking house. He's gone, I'm going to fucking kill you in your bed. I'm going to rape her dead body.

I would protect... Yeah, he's a bad person. Not me. I've got bottom opening windows in the bedroom. I'd get out. I'd leave. I wouldn't go, I'm going to murder him.

I would. If I had a gun, I'd blow his head off. I wouldn't want to be in the bedroom. Where's Wallace? Where's Wallace? Because he's a dog bummer as well. He's in the bedroom with us. He's come to bum dogs. I'd blow his head off. I wouldn't want to be in the bedroom. Where's Wallace? Where's Wallace? Because he's a dog bummer as well. He's in the bedroom with us.

He's come to bum dogs. I'd blow his head off. How high? Yes, I knew I'd get him. No, I would pick Wallace up and escape with him. I wouldn't be like, I've got to murder him, because I don't want to be a murderer. You're not a murderer, are you?

Yeah, you've blew someone's head off. Yeah, but you're still going to jail. Still going to jail. How high are your windows? Yes, you are. No. I've recently got bottom openers put in for the extension, so we'll be able to escape.

Fuck his window. How much of a jump is it? Bottom for me. There's a little roof on both. What if he's got accomplices with a big net? Oh, yeah. I'd go off the back. Oh, nice.

Carl, in America, you're not going to jail. No. That's the thing. If you come in, break in like that, and you get shot no one's going to jail okay in this country then we're talking about this country

no we're not no we're not no we're not I just wouldn't blow anyone's head off am I the only one here who wouldn't blow someone's head off what if that what if the options are though

blow his head off I wouldn't blow his head off I'd shoot him in the legs why you blow on his head off because I don't want him to fucking crawl up the stairs shoot him in the'd shoot him in the legs. Why you blow on his head off? Cause I don't want him to fucking crawl up the stairs. Yeah. Shoot him in the leg?

Shoot him in the knees? What about the arm? I'm gonna blow your leg clean off. He's on crystal meth. You can stop him. You don't have to kill him. Nah. Why are you shooting to kill?

Cause he's in your fucking gaff. Madness, yous are all insane. Yous are all mad at someone. It's just a big vole. If it's me or him. It's not you or him. Just debilitate him, shoot him in the legs. Carl, it's not man or someone. It's just a big vole. If it's me or him. It's not you or him. Just debilitate him. Shoot him in the legs.

Carl, it's not you or him. He just said it is. Of course it's you or him. It's broken in. You've got all the kids. You've got nine kids. Because it's the, you know. He's coming up the stairs a bit like Galway.

That might be the police if he's hard and chilled. What are you here for? There's a side police. I'll blow you up. And he's got a gun as well And he's up the stairs and he's like What are the rules of this gun battle? Is it just legs and arms?

Now you turn away Now he's coming up the stairs I've got me going to go lad what do you want And he's not saying nothing He's trying to kill you I'd shoot his legs And then he keeps crawling Who is he the fucking Terminator?

I'd shoot him in the arms then you don't have a jewel yeah i wouldn't blow his i mean good shot i don't want to blow someone's head off down the stairs if you blew his legs off you might he'd die anyway he'd bleed out yeah and you just left him dying painfully i'm being like nice blow his head off quick and painless humane sorry sorry i do not believe all we've just had a patron exclusive level argument with a guest in we basically don't know what we do who do you agree with

I would blow his head off you're just a maggot you I don't want to blow someone's head off I don't want to kill someone would it feel like hell I do Mark where you live say there's someone broken the laws are in the UK a killer human Mark where you live

say there's someone but I'm going to say the laws are in the UK obviously you've got kids so you've got something to protect someone's come up the stairs you would shoot him

in the head bang bang bang shoot him in the head I'd you wouldn't shoot to like debilitate him double tap to the head

one to the heart just to make sure with a shotgun proper good fellas real I think when it all come down to it you wouldn't want to

shoot someone in the head I'd happily I'd love to if I lived in a room I'd wake Etta tell her to get her gun and then she can do it you know like one of them

you know you see the documentaries where like the mum cheater lets the little baby cheater play with its food. I'd do that. What if it was someone you knew?

We've got to learn. What if it was someone you knew? What? I'd assume that something's wrong. I'd be like, John, what are you doing here, lad? He's like, I've come to murder your right wife. Get out or I'm going to blow your head off. Now I'm coming up.

Bang. Bang, bang. Bang. John's dead. No, I'm coming up. Oh, shit. I gave John a key. He's staying on the couch. To. John's dead. Oh, shit. I gave John a key. He's staying on the couch.

Toilet's upstairs. John needed a shit. John, what are you doing? I've got IBS. Not good enough. Bang. Bang, bang. What are you doing?

I blew John's head off. I'd love to blow someone's head off. I don't think you would. I totally agree. You better live you better live yourself forever knowing that you've

murdered someone no problem it's not murder it is murder it's self defence that doesn't mean you're still going to jail the fuck are you doing

in your house it's like a loophole in the world I'm living in you're still going to court then it's still going to be an ordeal they'll be like oh yeah he's definitely

okay there's worse ordeals you let them do what they want to do you don't let them. You debilitate them. Shoot them in the legs. No, that's not as fun as blowing.

If you're playing Grand Theft Auto, you're not walking around shooting people in the legs, are you? You're going around and fucking pinging them in the head. And I would love to blow someone's head off. If someone broke into my house and was trying to attack me or my missus or my dog or my kids, I would be like,

if I lived in the country where I'm allowed to keep a shotgun and use it to kill someone, I would love that opportunity. When I'd be smiling as he came through the front door, I'd be like, finally, this day has come. I'd say, stay there, love. I'm going to go and

blow this cunt's head off. And then pause suit. We'll watch that again in a minute. Pause it. Yeah, no, I haven't seen this one, get me shotgun on the stairs, you're like, lad, get out of me fucking house now, no,

okay, bang, and then I'd come, it'd be fucking incredible. I'd shoot him in the legs, kick him down the hole. Some Irish guy with a load of meat going, it's your delivery,

it's your sugar pit bacon, oh, Christ. In our scenario, in our scenario, we've shot an attacker, that's not going pit baby. Oh, Christ. In our scenario, in our scenario, we've shot an attacker that's not going to go to court because we live in America

and everyone's going to be fine. Everyone's safe. In your scenario, a guy's come in to attack you and your missus. You've shot him in the legs. Now you're watching a cripple rape your wife.

He's not getting up the stairs, Mark. I'd shoot him in the legs and kick him down the stairs. Push him out the way, get everyone out the house, lock the door, ring the plod. Why do you need to get everyone out the house? Why would we stay upstairs? How is that a shot?

We just talked about it for ages and that was still a shot. Everyone's out the house, the door's locked up, I've just shot someone in my house. Would you do that if it was raining? Imagine a missus lying there with a dead-legged guy, humping away, and she's looking at you going, you could have shot him in the head, Karl. Why has he not stopped him getting to the rain? Because he's persistent.

Would you blow someone's head off? All of his strength is in his upper body. I'd be more than you. Fucking not a psychopath. Oh, he's stoned. What if he's coming after Poirot tits? Pair of fucking maggots over there, mate. Blow his head off. All of his strength is in you. He's a fucking not a psychopath. Oh, he's stoned. What if he's coming after Poirot?

Pair of fucking maggots over there, mate. Blow his head off. Take the opportunity to get that. You really want to kill someone? I would love the opportunity to kill someone who deserved it. I wouldn't do it in this country. If you were offered the chance to be the guy on death row, would you do that?

It depends what it is. I don't want to kick the stool. I don't know why it seems it is I don't want to like kick the stool I don't know why it seems cruel I don't want to do the lethal injection thing it's not fun but if it was death row

and I got to blow someone's head off with a shotgun you'd have been sentenced to death shoot everyone against the wall and you'll be now

firing squad they've all got blanks except for one haven't they bang so sorry the lethal injection you wouldn't press the button that makes everything go in

because that's not humane it's not that it's not humane it's not fun it's boring it's not fun I have misunderstood where you were coming from

I would hunt someone you get an email from someone in the Philippines I and Adam I've heard what you did and we I've had those emails before straight to

fill me once no we kill bad guys yeah we've got these bad guys in. Do you want to come over and blow someone's head off? It's all legal. You go over. I mean, I'm on tour at the minute.

No, but you finished tour. Come over. We've got some kid there. I'm in Swindon, lad. You can meet me halfway. This tour's been routed weird, but I'm not going Philippines for no reason. What have they done?

Oxford are just watching us. Standing over someone. It's the second time this cunt's cancelled. They're a murderer. They've killed someone. And you get the joy of blowing a random kid's head off. If he's a murderer? Yeah, he's murdered. He's killed two people.

For no reason. He's just a horrible, horrible murderer. Just a murderer? Yeah. Love it. It's not insane. I just haven't got bloodlust. I want to kill someone. It's not bloodlust.

It is. It's not. See if you've got a chance to kill a celebrity. Yeah. Eamon Holmes. And we're the psychopaths. What if Eamon Holmes was coming in your house? He's not getting up the stairs.

He's a fat cunt. Ah. Debilitated himself. Yeah. I just let heart disease stop him. Do you think Eamon Holmes just lives in a bungalow, do you? He's just got no stairs. Very possible.

If you knew that this section was going to end with, do you think Eamon Holmes just lives in a bungalow? You really know the level of bullshit we come out with better than us let's have a break guys eh get my gun

it's not called lust though it's just right and wrongs and deliver and justice now then hope you're enjoying today's episode which I think is our absolute finest work

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It's going to be a belter. This is a proper hangover today. That's my fourth caracal. Full fat. Full fat. Got to, aren't you? Makes you feel better.

Correspondence time. Can I hand it to you for some celebrity encounters? You can Is it meant to be weird celebrity encounters or just all celebrity encounters? Weird ones Don't be sure I saw someone Not noticeable ones

As in like Not noticeable, notable ones Not worthy Any celebrity encounters? You met any famous people and they've been a bit weird or? Yeah, I took a piss beside Captain Tom The old fella?

Okay Was he dead? No I realise I've created this story and didn't have a back bit to it I missed all the Captain Tom stuff because I was away

wasn't he just an old fella walking around his garden? Yeah And he's all wet man for it And then His daughter All the money that was meant for charity his daughter's fucking bought a little gaffer She bought a spa Yeah. And you just all went and fought her. And then, don't include this. His daughter, all the money that was meant for charity,

his daughter's fucking bought a little gaffer. She bought a spa. She built a spa, yeah. Listen, she'll have to give it back to them. They've knocked it down. Have they?

Yeah. They've what? They knocked it down. Did they? Yeah. Live streamed it. Sick. And how old was he?

Is he like 99? I think he was. What was he doing it for? The NHS. What was the NHS getting from him? Money. Another patient. Money.

How did they get money? Oh, people were donating. Yeah. He was just doing lapses in his garden. He raised a lot of money. It wasn't even that big a garden. People were bored as fuck. Haven't he named a new line after him in London?

What? The Captain Tom line. What is it? On the tube? Stuff for the Jets. Oh, yeah. There's a new tube line. in London? What? The Captain Tom line. What is it? On the tube? Stuff for the Jets. Oh, yeah. There's a new tube line. Wembley, Lasagna.

They've got weird names. I don't think Captain Tom's got one. I wouldn't surprise me. They named a spa after him. So have you not got any weird celebrity names? I met Noel Edmonds once in a lift. And I bet you couldn't take your eyes off him. I said, imagine you were having a wedding and no ledmonds turned off wouldn't he ruin it thank you hang on well why would he ruin it

because there's no ledmonds so nobody's gonna remember the day at all like i don't think but i agree i don't think there's any other celebrity where folk would go, how was the wedding? Fucking no ledmers, was there? If Jay-Z, no,

if Jay-Z was there, right, there'd be a, an entire element of the congregation that wouldn't have a fucking, they'd be like, why is there a black guy here

for a start? For a start? It is a valid question. We've got so many problems with this wedding. No, you know. But number one, right, first of all, It is a valid question. We've got so many problems with this wedding. But number one, first of all... This is a Scottish wedding.

But Noel Edmonds would get recognised by everybody. He's the only one. You think Noel Edmonds is more recognisable than Jay-Z? Than Jay-Z. If you took a poll

of this country especially, I guarantee more people in this country have watched Noel Edmonds work than Jay-Z's. Thank you. Yeah, maybe. No, young people don't know who the fuck Noel Edmonds is.

Old people don't know who Jay-Z is. Wow. Speak for your own racist nana. Frida used to love a bit of hip hop. James said. She was always East Coast though, my nana. Do you remember when Noel Edmonds killed a kid? Yeah.

Was it? I thought it was a man breaking into his house though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Couldn't debilitate him. Deal or no deal? He used to do helicopter rides what

he did do fun house did he actually kill a kid yeah that's why he went so it was no Edmund's fun house party or something like that wasn't it

and he blew some kids head off on him and that was like the end of his career because there was a helicopter ride and like the kid died or something

and then it was mad when he'd come back with deal or no deal people were like what he blows Toddler's heads off him but they had that and like the kid died or something. And then it was mad. When he come back with Deal or No Deal, people were like, what? He blows Toddler's heads off him. That's what they remember. It's confounding.

We do not deal with facts here. So he used to run like helicopter rides for kids, right? And then there was like one he piloted himself and it crashed and the kid died. How did he not die? Because, well, the pilot never dies. He's famous, isn't he? The pilot never dies. And they would have got away with it, Finn.

At the funeral, they just had Blobby coming in going, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop. Blobby carried the tiny casket. Noel Edmonds piloted the kid to death. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Did he though? Was he the helicopter pilot?

No, I think. Was it Jay-Z? No, but he used to run. He did because he was a helicopter pilot. I don't think he was piloting it, but the scheme he was running was he would allow kids to go up in a helicopter. I thought that part of the game show was something fell out the sky yeah a kid no didn't know was it part of what was it

saturday night was it what was it called noel's house yeah yeah didn't it end with like there was a like some bloke in a cage and it was dropped from a great height and the guy died no he died and a nine-year-old boy died in a helicopter. He got thrown out of a helicopter, yeah. Yeah. Not thrown out. I think he fell out of a helicopter. Do you not remember this?

There was a big target on the ground and that was the idea. Keith Chegwin had to get as close to the centre as possible. Let's show some light-hearted celeb encounters. yeah uh this first one's from jack strange encounter i met i met eric jember jember next to an ambulance after he hit my sister's friend in his car he seemed sound though minus the driving eric jember jember could be in here right now and i wouldn't know how would you know it was him i'm guessing it know. I'm guessing it was when he was at his feet. His first question would be,

why is there a black guy in here? Is that Jay-Z? I don't know. It's Eric Jemba Jemba. Is that Noel Edmonds? I don't know. One of my favourite football names of all time. Yeah, it's a good name.

It's Hack. Is it Hack? Well up there with Papa Boobity. Yeah, I'm very good at wrestling. I think it's a Hack one. Stephen Tarleton says, weird celeb encounter. I once saw Ulrika Johnson

riding one of those motorcycle games at an arcade. I was waiting to get on, but she kept on adding credits, so I had to give up on waiting. Bitch. Ulrika Johnson, just spending all that TV money, a queue of kids.

Fuck you. I'm famous or rika johnson or back in the days when she was a weather girl pre the tv presenter shooting stars very attractive uh senior nexon though yeah yeah yeah yeah he was goosening money yeah yeah stan cali more did some really naughty stuff. Stan Calimo. Stan Calimo. Left a bit of stank on that one. Stan Calimo.

Stan Calimo, like, battered her, didn't he? He did, yeah, he did. We are trying to get sued today, aren't we? What do you mean, sued? Stan Calimo punched her head in. Fact. We've just done Noel Edmonds. It was all over the show.

Listen, you wouldn't want to watch a court case with David Walliams, Stan Calimor, and Noel Edmonds suing us. I met David Walliams. Finn McDermott says, celeb encounter. I'm currently in Manchester for uni and went for a kebab at McTucky's in the gay village.

I was 50p short and boss man wouldn't let me off. So I turned around to ask if anyone could give me some change. And Phil Bardsley handed me a fiver and said, get yourself a large on me. Phil Bardsley? I closed me blind. He was in the garden. Is Phil Bardsley the one that knocked Wayne Rooney out in the kitchen?

Yeah. Yeah. They were like Sunderland right back. Played for Stoke, didn't he? Man United, Sunderland and Stoke. Yeah. Doesn't like travelling. What's it called?

McTuckies. McTuckies, yeah. I'm dying to give people money when they're short at the till. I'm tall. I can't. Have a fiver, lad. You are tiny. Have a large on me.

Have a fiver. Get bigger legs. Get bigger legs on me. Just kids in the street. Yeah, you're little. It's a fiver. All right, lads. It's a tenner.

Come on. Off you go. God, this one can't even walk. He's in a pram. 20 quid. Right, we've got another footballer one. Once you've rick us off that raid. Fucking have to be.

Hey, learn to love the pod. When I was around nine on the bumper cars at the local fair, I was going around in this little car. I bumped into someone

and looked up and it was David James. And he said to me, careful, mate, do you know who I am? It was so mental looking back and no one believes you when I tell this story,

but it's true. I don't believe you. No celebrity has ever said, do you know who I am? Clint Dempsey said once, do you know where I'm from dog on the footy pitch to another player mika richards was it yeah yeah and he's from like tallahassee or something some gimsville he's the biggest gimp ever david james is a fucking big guy so you was that the one was david was David James the one that Harry Redknapp in a press conference said

he's thinking about you giving money to short people they're two little clones because they're short that's what you said i can't wait to give points what were you saying dan harry redknapp and david james harry redknapp said he wanted to live in david james rent his body genuinely in a press conference i think it was when David James ended up playing for Portsmouth towards the end of his career

when do you know when Harry Rob Harry Robinson do you remember when Harry Robinson do you remember when Harry Redknapp was just like

listen it's down the south coast no one gives a fuck and he had just play it like Nico Cranjar yeah he just had a crouch stuff out

it was but it was a fun team they won an FA Cup I think yeah yeah I think yeah yeah I think he said of David James like he's a specimen I'd just love to

to live in his body for 24 hours is that the plot to get out David James that is literally the plot to get out

Harry Redknapp he's got an executive an elderly white man Jordan Peele buys a young fit black guy that lives in his body. Jordan Peele is a Portamon fan as well.

So he's probably watching that at the time. He's like, I'm fucking writing now. I know somebody who rented Tony Warner's house and found loads of cock extenders and Viagra in his loft. What? Tony Warner. Who's that?

Goalkeeper for, I think he was Liverpool's that goalkeeper for I think he was Liverpool's reserve goalkeeper at one point someone ran to his house and he went don't go in the loft

what's the first thing you do yeah you get right in the loft before I even go pick my bedroom I'm getting in the loft before Tony Warner's

off the drive I'd be up the fucking and he had like boxes are like sex enhancers like fire i could run like penis extenders and all like yeah and frank and wank uh right we've got one more this is from liam campbell uh here's my celebrity i'm not saying it i'll cut it out i love it when adam's crying because he's having so much fun. It's beautiful.

Go on. And Frank must have wanked a lot. How old was she? Must. I think she died at 14. Oh, I didn't know that. That's why she never did a second book. All the pages are stuck together.

It's actually twice as long as you think it is. Eight months? What were you doing the rest of the time? Fricking myself up. Just fricking myselfed it. I thought she was a woman. No, she's a baby. She's a child. Have you ever read Anne Frank's diary? Uncut. Day 27.

Another big wank. There's about 14 of us up here. Everyone's fuming. But I love wanking. Was there other people? Yeah. She wasn't the only Jew, I don't know. Ah, we nearly went an episode without saying the word Jew.

We nearly managed it. We have been on a very Jewish run recently and we nearly managed it Tell you one thing about Click like a fucking outfit show up handle God. I clit like a fucking Auschwitz shower handle. Jesus Christ. That's the worst.

That is the worst thing that we've ever said. That's the worst thing. That's the worst thing that's ever been said. Anyone's ever said in this room. All in one. Listen, technically, Mark, it's impressive. God, I just got really warm. We've got... Can we talk about David Walliamiams we've got we've got

one more celeb encounter like that can i just say smooth thanks uh this is from liam campbell here's my celebrity encounter have a word's own adam rowe about 18 months ago i was drunkenly walking near the bottom of bold street late at night when I saw someone stumbling towards me. I realised it was Adam as he got near, and as he walked right past me, he fell flat on his face. I helped him up. He thanked me. I told him I was a fan and asked if he needed any more help walking.

He said no and incoherently mumbled something else. We went our separate ways, and I saw him fall over again further down the road. I wonder if he remembers it. I'd guess not. I'd remember falling over, that's not true. Would you? Flat on my face. I think that's an exaggeration, isn't it?

You fell over, I think you've fallen like that. Yeah, stumbled. Impossible. I don't even drink. I don't even drink most of the time. And when I'm not drunk, I always remember everything I do. No, but you remember falling over, wouldn't you? You don't sound like you're in Memoryville.

You woke up at 4am and jumped up and down on your foot to see if you'd broken it by accident in your sleep. Not in my sleep. Before you got home then saying? You woke up at 4am and jumped up and down on your foot to see if you'd broken it by accident in your sleep. I didn't sleep. Before you got home then. Yeah. I did do that, yeah. Look, maybe. Send in your celeb encounters.

Have a word pod at gmail.com if you've got anything notable. We're going to do some pet peeves. That doesn't have to do my head in. Pet peeves are shit that winds you up. I reckon, Mark, this is in your wheelhouse, this. You know?

You know what I mean? Yeah. You seem like one of them people who can make agitation funny. Ben Ballantyne. Pet peeve of mine is people who walk through doors without even checking if people are behind them to hold the door open. Yeah.

Have a tenner on me. What are you, 5'4"? Or the 15-quad? them to hold the door open. Yeah. Have a tenner on me. What are you, 5'4"? Or the 15 quid? Like some kind of fucking mad charity. God, what's up? You're short. Or money for everyone. Ben, we're never doing your one again.

It just got ignored because I was giving people to... Small people money. I think it's a sign of someone not being raised right. Not holding the door open. Sorry. I think that's, if you see them, if you don't see them, fair enough, but you can normally tell when someone's there.

You've got to gauge the distance. Yes. Otherwise you've made them run. Yeah. And that's annoying when you go, I've just closed it. A pep even mine is when someone opens, holds the door open for me,

and they're more than 20 yards away and they're like, come on. What is it? Like a five second rule? No, not even that. Yeah. Three seconds. Otherwise, mate, I'm sorry.

Five, six steps away. If they're like, just close it. I'm not running. No, I know what you mean. Unless they're like, there's a reason that, you know what I mean? If they're like elderly or they've got like baby. Oh, I'll slam the door in their face.

Yeah, yeah, fuck that. I'll let them get close. What if they're small people? You've got to baby. Oh, I slam the door in their face. Yeah, yeah, fuck that. I'll let them get close. What if they're small people? You've got to hold the door and you've got to carry them. Similar to that is when someone lets you cross the road when there's nothing behind them and you've just got to be like, and then do that awkward little jig across the road.

Oh, yeah. Do you know what my biggest pet peeve is? Joe, when you go, I'm going to be cooly and let someone out. Say like you're going down the road and there's only room for one car and then you don't thank you. I go from lovely to cunt in seconds. Yeah.

I'm like, oh, you're welcome, you daft swat. Yeah, that's like, you know how you can tell the character of people by how they treat service staff? Yes.

You can tell the character of people as to whether they thank you if you let them out in a car. I flash and wave. Yeah. I'm over the top. I'm like, yeah, mate, nice one let them out in a car i flash and wave yeah i'm over the top i'm like yeah i make a nice one sometimes i send a car yeah get the registration please yesterday i was i can't believe i forgot this yesterday i was uh driving by yours actually so i was driving and you know like the road's quite tight because there's cars on every side it's the same road we're talking about and now it is um the one parallel to little lane Mae carau ar bob ddwy. Mae'r un rydyn ni'n siarad amdano. Yr un sy'n paradoll i'r llinell.

I'n gwaith. Mae un... Roedd yn y ffôn yn y ffordd. Ac fe wnes i i'r ffôn yn gyflym na'r person sy'n dod i'r ffordd arall. Fe wnes i i'r ffôn. Ond fe wnes i stopio a throi'r llinell. A ddim yn diolch i mi.

Roeddwn i'n dweud yn glir iawn dyma chi'n ddawel yn fy car. and they didn't thank me. I very clearly went, oh, you're welcome, like that in my car. And they stopped right next to me and went, I had right away anyway and then drove off. Gob shy.

Gob shy. Was the van blocking their side of the road? My side. But I was, they did have right away. Yeah, but you're still being nice. I was still being nice.

I could have definitely gone and like just sped. But I was like, you know what? No, go on, mate. You've got right away. I have right away anyway. That's not how it works. Just say thank you.

Yeah. Just that. Yeah, that. I do like that. I'm the way through. I don't need you to stop and go, thank you so much for that. Just don't even look at me.

Like I'm over there. Flash your hand. Yeah. Niall Hoare. Sorry. Niall Hooters says, all right all right lids when you're going to sleep lying on your side and you can hear your heartbeat in your ear nice one nile yeah yeah palpitations hi is that go to doctors is that real yeah i don't get side on heartbeat if it's quiet in the room you can hear your inner workings can't you i thought you wear earplugs don't get side-on heartbeat. If it's quiet in the room, you can hear your inner workings, can't you? I thought you wear earplugs, don't you? I thought that would have been worse.

Yeah, worse. Yeah, that amplifier. Oh, I can't hear my... No, I can't hear that. Am I dying? I start wearing my earplugs in the swimming pool now. Why? Because I...

So you can't hear the police chasing you? I can't hear the police, yeah. I can't hear the sirens. Luke Wood says... Why are you sleeping in the swimming pool after bed luke wood says pet peeve for you when you go to get uh to get a squirt of ketchup or hp and the fucking stupid foil cap is still on under the main lid ah yeah two pace the same yeah and different if it's yours

and you bought it though. Do you know what I mean? If you were at a gaff, you're like, someone should have done this. Do you know what's annoying with them is when you go to rip it off and then the little tab

you have to rip it off breaks and then you've got no way of opening it. You've got to just poke a hole in it and do that and get all sauce on your finger. Exactly. Adam Matthew says,

pet peeve when you put shower gel on your hand ready to rub it onto your body, and you instinctively put it on your head like shampoo. For Dan, I suppose this is a simple pleasure. They're just a fucking idiot. That is lunacy. When you put two peels on your toothbrush

and then put it in your eyes, what am I doing? Because genuinely, I obviously don't do this because nothing gets rubbed on my head. What does my head do? That's a good question. Do you wash your head? Shoulders and shoulders.

What do you wash your head with? I don't wash my head. You don't wash your head? I don't wash my head. Where do you stop washing your face? That's a very good question. I could be halfway down my back. Right down.

Fucking, washing my face is a nightmare. Laura, can you give us a hand? Where do you go to? That's such a good question. You go to your face, done. This doesn't get wet. You know, when you lose a limb, I can still, I know where the hairline was. I wash up to 2001, which is lower.

Don't you wash your head? No. Why? But surely they're like, he doesn't wash his head. Like if it's been a, your dad doesn't wash his head. If it's been a dusty day,

it's not like a light. What dusty day? In the desert? If I, I'll tell you this, if I'm ever desert dusty, I? If I tell you this, if I'm ever desert dusty, I'm going to tell you right now, I wash my head.

Do you? But if I'm dust free, if this is just a normal dustless day, yeah, and I've not been in the wild west. Do you wash your beard? Occasionally I'll give my beard a shampoo, but it's not a very long beard.

You shouldn't use shampoo on your beard. You should use beard stuff. Don't, fuck your beard. It's different hair, it's pure, You should use beard stuff. Don't fuck your beard. It's different hair. It's pure, isn't it? Mark, do you wash your legs? What? Do you wash your legs? Do you actively wash your legs in the shower? No. You use the trickle down.

I just let it, the trickle, there's just a soap coming from the toilet. Even on a dusty day, those Glaswegian dust bowl days. You know, when you're in the dry season in Glasgow. It's a fucking nightmare, isn't it? Kelvin Grove. I want to go down to the West End.

It's covered in dust. I can't see. Fuck off, Nelson. Bring me my camel. Can I... I don't... This is... I'm going to get grief for this. I bet you only wash your hair and your bo I... I don't... This is... I'm going to get grieved for this.

I bet you only wash here in your bollocks, don't you? A hundred percent. Tits and bits. Yeah. Pits and bits. That's madness. I wash pits and bits.

You don't wash your arse. Yeah, sorry, that's my bits. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Your arse cheeks. Yeah. Do you wash in the same order every day? Because I do. Yeah.

I'm dry. Oh, I go... And then here, and then here,'m dry. I do my cock first. And that takes 25-30 minutes. And then you're rubbing all your cock off on the rest of your body. What do you think, Tommy? Alexander Cockoff.

Have you been to Glasgow? I do my cock first because I've got a sensitive cock and balls. I've had this so much fun. So I have to use Dove or Simple on my cock. Oh, like a sensitive skin thing. Yeah. So I do that first.

Simple cock. Because it's... I haven't contaminated my hands with shampoo or anything yet. So I do my cock first then I do my body and then I put my shampoo in while I'm like sort of doing the neck

I don't think I've ever put shower gel on before shampoo no never ever I do I didn't used to I used to do it

the old fashioned way but then you don't condition do you yeah so you need a bit more you need a bit more like longer time if you're conditioning

so it's hair shampoo body wash it out and then I brush my teeth while my hair's conditioned um yeah i don't condition i do i do everything else i probably should start yeah i do everything and then give my arsehole a good soapy fingering i end on that that's the closer i do love that's all i do i catch my wife fingering arhole every time. You know when you just go ask her, if she's showering. Or you haven't finished the sentence. If I need to ask her a question, if ever she's in the shower,

her finger is in her arsehole. How long is she cleaning it for? Even if she's cleaning the shower. She's cleaning the bathroom. Doing the kid's bath. Get your finger out of there, look. Mate. So if you use harsh stuff on your cock and bogs,

you'll get thrushies and... Thrush? Have you ever used the tingly mint stuff? Original sauce. Two-faced. Never clean me cock and two-faced. I went to the STD clinic because I thought I had AIDS or something

because I had like a flaky cock and that is the first sign and I was like what's going on here because I think I've got something bad and she looked at it and she was like what shower are you using to be changed? I started using that L'Occitane French shite

and she was like stop using that, go back toitane French shite and she was like stop using that go back to like Dove like use like a really sensitive thing and if it doesn't clear up then come back and we can have a look

at some more stuff but that's all it is she's like we've done the tests and you're completely clear of everything do you reckon there's a doctor

who's ever seen a cocky lie and then just give like a bad diagnosis because they can keep seeing it because if she liked look your cock she could have went yeah do that I'll see it again in a week and then she just like a bad diagnosis because they can keep seeing it because if she like look your cock she

could have went yeah do that I'll see it again in a week and then she just keeps looking at your cock you're gonna need a cream for that but

I have to put it on just make you know what the NHS is on its arse see you at mine eight o'clock Tuesday night use this oh it's not working

just making stuff are your cocks get ADHD I can't put the screen on with my hands I've got to put it on orally next week I'll look your cock still isn't fixed

and then it takes like six months to fix your cock all I can tell you Carl is that didn't happen to me my cock was right as rain you didn't get circumcised did you I didn't, no so they were like you probably need to get circumcised if this doesn't help it.

But it did. That'd be agony. Getting my cock cut off, yeah. At her age. Yeah. Talking about agony, let's do an agony, Adam. Oh.

Let's give some advice. Solve your problems. I'll tell you the best thing to do. If you want to do it, you'll be fine So people, write in Havewordpod at gmail.com Send in your pet peeves, your simple pleasures Your questions

Here's one, pet peeve, your mobile plan will increase By £4.96 a month next month Go and see him in person, Carl What the fuck? Cost of living This is from Anonymous Please take this one seriously, boys. Sapnin, Doris, Angela, Cassie, and Fiona.

Please, please, please make sure this is anonymous. It's from Jake Garrett. After some advice, I'm after some advice, I guess. So, I've been a single male for what feels like forever. In reality, it's been about seven or eight years. I'm only 28. And I've always been into ladies however i've secretly been known to like and take a silicone willy up the back door pump pump

this it's not the it's never been called the back door pump pump has it it's just your arsehole isn't it when's it about anyway just leave pump pump out and then that would be fine taking a silicone willy up the back door These can get up to a fairly large size. Now, my question is... My ass can take anything. It's infinite. My ass is infinite. I'm fingering myself in the name of science.

Now, my question is, I've been wondering if I'd ever want a guy to have a go and give me his baby gravy or go down the route of finding a woman with a strap on. Obviously, being single so long, it's hard to find even a normal relationship, and knowing guys like a bit of hanky-panky and are less picky leaves me in a sticky situation.

Lol. Would love to hear your guys' thoughts on this. Cheers, Jake. He just wants to get bummed. Is he not gay? Is he not just gay? No. He wants to cock up the arse?

He wants to suck up his arse. I like things in my arse, though. Cocks? No. Yeah. I don't think you like things so much in the arse. He wants to suck up his arse. I like things in my arse though. Cocks. Yeah. I don't think you like things so much in your arse that you're like,

maybe I should let her manage it, isn't it? I think that's the big step he's made towards I also don't want to get bummed

even with a strap on. I don't know, I know it isn't, but I feel like it's emasculating. Yeah, it is, yeah. Yeah, I'm not into it, but I do like

getting fingered. Some of the porn, the strap onon porn, is great fun, though. Do you know what I think? Is that not gay porn? What, when a very... You're watching a man getting shagged. Yeah, but it's a woman, don't get me wrong. In the grand scheme of things, it's two steps towards gayville.

It's gayer. It's not gay. Yeah, but aren't you... Are you enjoying the woman's tits, or are you enjoying the cock on the man's arse? A bit of everything. Having something up your arse doesn't make you gay. No, but aren't you... Are you enjoying the woman's tits or are you enjoying the cock on the man's arse? Bit of everything. Having something up your arse doesn't make you gay. No, no, no.

But isn't watching all porn... Isn't watching all porn... Because most porn I watch, there's more dicks than there are fannies. Isn't that gay? It doesn't feel gay. No, but I think you're looking at the woman, aren't you? It's a part of it.

Would you rather a woman bum a woman with a strap on or a man? I'm a big fan of that to be honest Okay so that's not gay I suppose It is gay It's not because I mean gay You meant the gay that you like

It's not gay because I like it I don't like it by the way Lesbians don't do it for me Do they not? What the fuck are you talking about? This is worse than the Vegas shit. Lesbians don't do it for you. Fake lesbians, women frigging each other off

and squirting all over the gaff. I mean, you're adding to the story, but lesbians aren't for me. I try to put myself into the scene and there's no cocks. You're not for them, so it's worked out, don't worry. Exactly, yeah.

I've turned a couple of lesbians, mate of course yeah yeah you've turned that woman at the gum clinic there's waiting list here fuck i'm gonna have to give this a round of applause um wow really i just i i i'm not involved like i'm like adam when it comes to tv i have to imagine i'm the guy and if it's two lesbians i'm just what i'm the cameraman when it comes to TV. I have to imagine I'm the guy. And if it's two lesbians, I'm just, what? I'm the cameraman. I would love to see Laura get absolutely walloped by a lesbian. Like a female rugby player. Like a prop.

Like when I, so I'm 100% with you. And that's why I don't watch a lot of porn with black dicks in. Because that's not my dick. You know what I mean? Yep. Right? Understand. So when I'm watching porn, that is my dick. You know what I mean? Yep. Right? Understand. So, when I'm watching porn,

that is my dick. See, that's what I mean. But how niche is your porn where you need to find a guy? Yeah. 32-year-old Scouse porn. With a podcast.

It just needs to be believable to me. Right. You know what I mean? With the accent, what if he's yelling out? He's got an American accent But I can put an American accent on I can't put black on

You say that It's frowned upon So how do you enjoy lesbian porn then? Because I am the cameraman Are we? He's going to jump I am the lesbian No, I'm the boom operator actually

I'm just there watching Like if there was two lesbians Going fucking hell for leather On each other on that couch I could stand there watching. Like, if there was two lesbians going fucking hell for leather on each other on that couch, I could stand there and just fucking slap myself. How couldn't I? So that's what I think I'm doing

when I'm watching that. Why do you have to imagine you being the camera? Why can't you just be the cunt at home watching it? Like, why do you... Why in that situation... I have to imagine I'm there.

I'm the sound guy. I'm the... I'm the... Oh, sorry. Have you already done sound? Boom operator. Oh, boom. I don't know. I wouldn't be part..., sorry, have you already done sound? Boom operator. Oh, boom operator.

I wouldn't be part of the crew. Would you not let your missus get it? I wouldn't be part of the crew, I'd just be there fixing a boiler. Just peek round. Mark just puts porn on and doesn't wank. Yeah.

Putting it on, would you not let your missus? He really gets me in the mood for fixing radios. Would you not let your missus have a bit of a lesbian time if you were there and you could join in? No.

Would you not? She's cheating on me with a woman. She's not. You're there. It's not cheating. What do you mean? Because I'm there. Oh, God.

Don't be cheating if you don't let her do it. It's a threesome. Okay, then she's having sex with another person. Would you not want a threesome with Sarah? I don't know. Because I'm involved then. I wouldn't want to stand and watch. I just said that.

I said that. I thought you said watch. You're in there. You're in there. Oh, I'd have a threesome, yeah. I'd have both of them. I thought you said watch. You're in there. You're in there. I'd have a threesome, yeah. I'd quite happily just watch it as well. I wouldn't even have to get involved. I wouldn't.

I'd be quite happy if I wasn't even in the house and I'd just get a text. See if I've got a Snapchat. Mark, stay in the pub. I'm busy. Leslie's coming around. Leslie the lesbian? Yeah, it's a bit on the nose.

What happens if you came home and Laura was just having a lesbian affair in the bedroom? I'd be like, darling, it makes a lot of sense. Would you break up with her? Hey, you've got until the end of the week. See ya. Are you done? She's cheating on me.

Yeah. But she said you can stand there and wank if you want. Nah, hang on. You were right about the cheating thing. Correct. But listen. It's all about permission and consent. Okay, then, Lord of Texas,

can I have sex with a woman and you watch? I'd say yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd say yeah. Okay. As long as I can have sex with a man and you watch. I booked the premiere in myself. Equality, here you go.

If I came in to find Amy... Cut your lungs off to spite your face. I'm bumming a man now. If I came in to find me i'm bombing a man if i came in to find amy with another woman i wouldn't be like get out i'd be like well kids are gonna have to share a bedroom again because we're gonna move someone in i'm gonna have to work harder because there's another mouse to feed she's another dependent dependent. Yeah, no, I'd be Samata. I don't really think, like, as long as they tell me,

I don't think it's cheating. Is that cooking then? What? Is that cook? C-U-C-K. 100%. I don't think I don't think it's a lesbian thing, it's cooking. Is it not? No, I don't think so. Is it voyeurism? It's just great, innit? It's just great. It's just brilliant. It's just brilliant.

That's the porno. Fit. Good. It's great. What would you do if you came home and your wife was watching two men bum in your bed? I'd be like, what's going on here? Do I need that shotgun? I'd let them finish and I'd sit them all down and go.

Oh, you would not? Just let me know when yous are done. I've got questions. Seneca, I'm fuming about this, but I'll never take a jizz away from a fellow man. Finish up, lads. There's some antics. The bedroom would be on fire after they finish.

That set fire to the entire golf. I'd be like, have we got insurance? Boom, off we go. Love, have you been making gay porn behind my back? Not even filming it. Just for the memories. That's not me. Literally, two men bumming and Laura like,

like a fucking tennis umpire. Just for me mind, Camden. What would you do if Laura had been wrecking a garden office all for gay men's off-section? And not giving me the money? Fucking fuming. But you've been paying for gifts for gay men's off-section. And not giving me the money. Fucking fuming. But she'd been paying for gifts for you.

There's no gifts. Yeah, it's fine. It's fine. If she's, no. But I'd be, she's stealing from me. I just want to know. I just want to know.

Is the people born in the shed? Tell me. Idea. Warn me. That's where I watch the NFL. Not a euphemism.

I've just been in the shed. Have we got slugs because Laura who's been in the garden office because I can smell bumming you know that smell that you know no she doesn't

Phil Bartley been in there you know why don't worry lad and that ladies and gents is a podcast uh mark before we go tell everyone about your tour are you filming a special for the bbc yes i am what yeah filming a special for the bb he's doing a stand-up special on the BBC I'm as surprised as you who the what the fuck is going on there's this time travel it's unbelievable BBC Scotland

what BBC Scotland let's not oh don't try and bring it down let's not split heels here dad no I just want to understand that everyone's going Netflix Mark's going

everyone's doing Netflix YouTube fuck that I'm going BBC no it's great BBC BBC Alba sexy no yeah that's fucking classmate yeah all joking aside that's quite fun i don't i don't know i had a meeting

yesterday about what i'm allowed to do yeah and i've had the same meeting because i'm doing my special with al jazeera can we all get better cameras in here? No, we want to do it in a cave The lighting in this cave is fucking The same camera we used for Ken Bigley Who's saying that? Like a fix the flex The Scouse Al Jazeera

Alright lads My name's Al That's notouse al jazeera all right lads my name's al please put it on someone be brave enough to put it on a poster you might recognize me from Al Jazeera or another one podcast. Alphabet of Closer, innit? Ken Bigley, by the way, was a journalist beheaded by a terrorist group

in the early 2000s. Oh, thanks for clearing that up, Karl. Fucking Microsoft paperclip here. I'm shipping it. He's been full of these recently. Chris Foy's got cancer. On your way. Hoy!

What? Hoy. He's a sir. Say his name right. Sir Chris. Hoy. When are you filming it? Where are you filming it?

When are you going to go out and tell us about your tour? I'm doing it on March the 4th in my hometown of Dumfries at the theatre there and it's sold out in half an hour. Fucking quality, mate. Which is fucking class. So I don't know when it's going to go out.

I think probably around about New Year, Christmas. Nice. And then the tour, when does this go out saturday saturday monday so saturday well if you're in liverpool i'm at hot water tonight and then after that i've still got birmingham at the glee chester 21 soho in london newcastle stands tickets are at just at linktree slash Mark Mills and comics

the link will be in the description go and watch Mark he's one of the best comics if you're in Glasgow there's a massive I'm doing the

King's Theatre that's the end of the tour and that's like the biggest gig by far I'll have ever done unbelievable comedian

if you've not seen Mark live he is truly one of the best about and you've not seen Mark live, he is truly one of the best about. And you've seen him at the Have A Weird Live show in Glasgow. Yeah. And you come into Juicy when I taped Juicy up in Glasgow. You come into that with us. Yeah, that was brilliant.

Why? If you're listening to this and you're in Liverpool, I'll be at Hot War tonight. Lovely. Have we got a song, Finn? I'm on tour as well, but you already know about that. So just, yeah, go on. We've got a song. This is Australian hip hop this week. We're branching out a little bit.

That sounds very good, yeah. This is a collective called Mikey Mammoth. Oh. And this is their song AO, which is A-double-Y-O. We know this. Mikey Mammoth. Sounds good, man.

It is good. It is good. It sounds good, doesn't it? Mikey Mammoth. Don't give it a listen He sounds like the kind of guy That entertains kids In Terror Reef

They're massive in Australia This is an earworm This one I'm not giving them any money Check I've been living 100 miles For 100 hours

I'm just trying to make it, tryna get all of my flowers When we get there, it's always champagne showers Homies call me up, ayo, you know the world is ours I've been living 100 miles for 100 hours I'm just tryna make it, tryna get all of my flowers When we get there, it's always champagne showers Homie call me up, I'm just all they like I'm just tryna get my crew laced up

Get them all a check, ain't no one is getting cased up We'll be looking flash at the bends It's the only time I jump, get the flash from a lens This was never just a quick buck Your goal was just a quick fuck, don't take it personal Got music in my blood, yo, first of all Verses in my name, your success is what you're making All but I'll be sitting pretty

Even if this never turns at all See when it comes to raps, I'm undefeated, boy Pound for pound, soldier, what I drop, they need a boy I got that swagger to my step, that's what they want next But they ain't ready for this yet, we bring a different noise Ain't no ifs, buts, or maybes, I made this game my baby They calling me the man, the grandfather of this game, me I'm the one to bring the best of the best

Go 100 miles an hour, got that liquor on my breath I've been living 100 miles for 100 hours I'm just trying to make it trying to get all of my flowers When we get there to a champagne showers Homies call me up ayo you know the world is ours I've been living 100 miles for 100 hours I'm just trying to make it trying to get all of my flowers When we get there to a champagne showers Homies call me up, I'm the sell they like Homies call me up, they like, ayo, ayo I'm tryna get that champagne and let it spray, yo Spray, yo, I'm tryna get a check, tryna get advanced When money backs me, I never back up off my plans Watch what I'm doing, yo, you better not sleep Before you know it, I'll be hitting on my peak Before you know it, I'll be blasting through your street You'll be second guessing, yo, it's best that you back me I've said it before, I'll be hittin' on my peak Before you know it, I'll be blastin' through your street

You'll be second-guessin', yo, it's best that you back me I've said it before, I'll be king of this scene Never a chore, I'll be kickin' it clean Like a nigga last saw, but I sting like a bee I've said it before, I'll be king of this scene Rocks all the y'all with a K in my jeans Seems a bit obscene for this dream, yeah, I'll be Rockin' every day in studios

Payin' all the juice for you Every time a homie calls me it's like Ayo 100 hours Flowers Champagne showers The world is ours 100 miles for 100 hours

Hours Hours Hours Hey yo you