Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #267 with Danny McLoughlin - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: March 11, 2024

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What's happening, lads? Just before we kick this week's episode off, just to remind you, my tour runs all the way through until the end of May, and I've still got some really big shows coming up, including Cardiff, Blackpool, Leeds, Huddersfield, York, and of course, Liverpool at the M&S Bank Arena. They're not the only dates, though.

Go and check them all out. Full listings at adamrowe.co.uk forward slash tour and help bring home the biggest tour I've ever done. It's been an absolute dream, and I'm so excited for the rest of the schedule Dan?

If you want to see me live this year dannightingale.com I'm doing Dan Nightingale and Fiend shows all around the country they go from March right through to November

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I need some advice, boys. Okay. I need some advice. Hang on. Let me try and guess what sort of area of your life this is in. Okay.

I don't think it's going to be. You got told off. What? Hang on. Let the man do his psychotherapy. Okay? Is it wife-related? It's wife-related.

Oh. I thought you got told off for the old... Sucking dicks. Yeah? Yeah, that's wife-related, isn't it? Because she's going to be the one that's going to be most fuming about that. Yeah.

Not that she's homophobic, but she does count a dick as cheating. Does she? Yeah, she's old-fashioned. Right. Or new wave. I don't know. But she's not into it.

I haven't checked, by the way. I just know instinctively. I haven't had to say hey Laura can I just nosh on a knob nosh on a knob have you got a a jumper that's longer

than your shirt yeah sorry under your shirt sorry it's gonna do my head in all day that oh right and I do that sometimes

but now I've done it you love layers don't you don't you such a layers man you're like a lasagna I've got no layers on today I'm layered just got me

none in my t-shirt I do that quite often look jumper and then ham yeah oh you don't need layers that's a layer of natural fucking layer that ham anyway you are a layers that's a layer of natural layer i weighed myself this morning and the lices have been like at any point in this weight loss journey and i don't feel it i think i'm like fatter now than i was in october i felt skinnier then but i'm not. I'm mad slur. I weighed myself this morning and I'm the same weight as last week.

And I just went, no, that's a lie. I weighed myself in 2007. I was doing just fine. And I just left it there. I thought, you know, you can weigh yourself too much for me. I'm having one meal a day this week because I want to be skinny for me

special recording on Saturday. All right. Can I get the advice I fucking came for? If we just wandered off in an 80s... Do you know what just happened then? You went, God, you're fucking...

That's going to do my head in layers. Wait. Special. That was ADHD. We all heard it and saw it live. You just went, this, that, that. What?

Who are you? If you want to stop going off on tangents, then this podcast is going to go in the bin very quickly. Yeah, it's got absolute... You should call it Have a Tangent. Have a Tangent.

It's time for Have a Tangent sponsored by Tangerines. Are you excited about the special? What advice do you need, Dan? No, I don't.

What's wrong with it? It's just my life, isn't it? Don't worry about it. My wife says I can't suck dick. I need advice. Right. Dear Adam,

my life's in the bin. I love my wife, but I just want to suck her dick. I want to help you. Tell me what's going on. Mother's Day's coming up. It is, yeah. Yeah?

Mothering Sunday. No stress. Right? You're the second person I've heard call it Mothering Sunday this week, and I haven't heard that for like decades. Well, I don't call it Mothering Sunday, but it just popped in my head

because that is what it used to be called, innit? You're the third person, actually. Sorry. When's fucking Father's Day? It's been about three or four months after, innit? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking women. They always get it first, only.

We should have ours in February, in the cold. Where's Dad? It's Father's Day. He's in the garden, fucking freezing. No one's come round to the barbecue because it's fucking pissing down. Anyway, it's Mother's Day. It is Mother's come round to the barbecue because it's fucking pissing down anyway it's mother's day

it is mother's day sad day for people like me and you you know yeah but I got a bit of inheritance and so I did

I had to give it all to Carl thank god I'm never getting this advice he didn't have we sold this one before

he didn't have to and I actually refused the money I owed Carl a grand she owed me money for sucking me cock for fucking years

and she passed the debt off to Adam she used to pay him oh it was fuck money it was fuck money and she passed the debt down to Adam she was like

please let me suck it I owed Carl a grand my mum left me about 1200 quid and I was like it was like here lad here's the money I owe

and he was like I don't want that money and I was like well you're just gonna have to have it because I don yeah, that is the money. I owe. And he was like, I don't want that money. And I was like, well, you just gonna have to have it. Cause I don't know. This is the only money that's coming. Yeah. You took me into the bank. Was your dad there?

Yeah. Your dad was there. Yeah. And I didn't know. I thought we were just going the bank. He owed me 1500 pounds from years of partying worth it. Yeah. I probably definitely even rose off.

It was cause I go, do you want to go out? We go, I've got no money. I go, I have, let's go. And then we'd go out. I'm a student. Don't worry. Literally. Hang on, do you still owe that money?

I owe more. I went back to uni after that. I owe more. The reason he had so much money then is we both got into uni and he had his student loan and I didn't. And we both left.

So we had all of his student loan money and no degree to do and lived at home with his mum. Yep. So he just had this pot of money he had nothing to do with so we would just go out with his money all the time

and be like, I'll just pay you back one day. I didn't drop out officially so I could get the money for us to go out. Right. So you went, applied for the loan

but dropped out too quick and they went, oh, you're not having it. Yeah. No, no, no. I dropped out because I hadn't applied for the loan yet. I was like, I don't want the money because then I won't have any debt.

I want to just go and do stand-up. I want to go through a third party. Yeah. Car. So I got in, dropped out by Christmas, but didn't tell anyone because I was like, I still want the fucking money. So I got all the money and took us out for a year.

Unbelievable. So you... So I owed him 1,500 quid and my mum died. But he came back from... I was in the bank. He went to just go in the bank with my dad. So I stood all the money and took us out for a year. Unbelievable. So you... So I owed him 1,500 quid and my mum died. But he came back from... I was in the bank. He went, I'm just going to the bank with my dad. So I stood at the back. He came back to the back of the bank and went,

yeah, lad. And I went, what? He went, I owe you money. I was like, do not give me that fucking money. It's from his mum dying. Don't. And I was like doing that. I don't want it.

But are we going out? And he was like, no, take it. I was like, lad, please don't. And he literally went, no, please take this I was like, lad, please don't. And he literally went, no, please take this money. He didn't argue for that long. Oh, please. I won't take that money.

Second time asking. Yeah, all right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he... You only bit me hand off, mate. Do you find it sad? Do you find Mother's... Ow, fucking hell.

All right. I thought they spent it. Oh, physical. What was that? What was that noise it's cool well physical uh um do you find it sad mother's day no no no i mean no no i don't know mother's day is a bird did it just be asked she's lovely all year and i tell her all the time she flowers just for the card shops in it She feels sad for the card shops.

Yeah, I don't think the sadness is the same for you, Carl. You've still got your mum and she's great. I've got a father. Oh. It's the same. You have got a father, though. Yeah, but they haven't, have I? No.

Our father. I've got like Schrodinger's father, haven't I? The Scouse Lord's Prayer? Lad. Our father, who I had to fucking bend the dome on me off, he's over there.

One of them. It's a fucking tax dodge. I've got Schrodinger's father. Yeah. He literally might be the same place as your mother's. I don't know. Right.

So it's the same, isn't it? It'd be really weird if your dad's in Allerton Seminary, by the way. I'd be mad. I would be mad. i don't find it sad i don't think about stuff like that loads i don't know what's the point she when you when you lose apparently like it's done in it i've i know people get i know people get like oh but what we've lost and i feel like they almost like they feel jealous that other

people haven't or like it's not fair i never thought like that i was like yeah it's brutal it's happened and then you just get on with it i never i've never i don't i've never wallowed in it i don't think you dealt with it properly did you he didn't it doesn't sound like you have either i i make jokes about it like last week me mate sent me a picture of her mum in the kitchen like this is my mum uh cooking tea mate sent me a picture of her mum in the kitchen. Like this is my mum cooking tea and I took a picture of my empty kitchen and sent it back.

I was like, here's mine. She was like, I feel so bad for laughing as much as I've done. And there's Jack Finnegan. He's my mum now. Ian.

I love Jack. That's nice. It was just me and Jack in the house, right? Keira and our other housemate was down south for work. Me and Jack made dinner together. We made, it was just me and Jack in the house, right? Keelan and the other housemates was down south away. Me and Jack made dinner together. We made chicken gyros with homemade tzatziki.

And then we had a cup of tea and a game of chess. And then he read you a story and took you in? I'd love Jack Finnegan to be my mum. We started watching New Girl together. It's great. New Girl is good. It's fine. It's so nice.

Is Nick your favourite? Nick's me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nick is me. Imagine, yeah, yeah. Nick is me. Imagine having a two and, what is probably about 15, 16 stone, six foot two mum with a beard who likes going down to pokes.

Be fucking clown. Be a fucking bouncer. Be amazing. Don't start on me. Mum! Shite her chest though. First game of chess in about a decade. Smoked him. He sucked his dick. Beat him with chess. Oh, sorry. don't start on me mum shite her chest though first game of chess in about a decade smoked him

he sucked his dick beat him with chess oh sorry this is your first game in 10 years cut me what is it about all your mum's

blowjobs go on what do you need advice for listen it's important to her she's registered the you know how I know this

because last year I did fuck all and she really got annoyed she's so chilled out about all the other birth her birthday

she's not that bothered she's not your mum Christmas hang on no she's not it's up to her to then jack that's just legal

yeah and they do fuck all yeah she wants you to role play essentially yeah call her mummy on Sunday she'll love that oh I'd love to

during sex yeah oh yeah it's mother's day innit you bitch don't say that It's Mother's Day, isn't it, you bitch? Don't say that. It's not the same, is it? Is that what you say to Pam? I can't remember the made-up name for your mum.

Why are you being moody? Oh, it's Mother's Day, you bitch. No wonder you're all moody. I've done fuck all two years in a row now. It's a try. This is how you know if you've got a fucking sound mum. Try and write in a card, it's Mother's Day, you bitch,

and just pass it over and see what happens. Oh, have a word, have a word, Mother's Day cards. Coming soon. Stop fucking whinging, you old bag. So you want advice on what to do for Mother's Day? Because she's gone, A, it's important. And to be fair, she's not asked about Christmas or birthday. She's chilled out about it.

What I need to, so I need, because you know women. You know, you know, I know you. You know what my advice is going to be. No, but I know you've never been married and you've never been a dad and you're not married to a mum, but you know women. I do. You know my wife. Yeah.

You know. My wife. What do you need advice with? What? What to buy her? I don't know. She doesn't care what the kids get her. Just get two cups.

One off Jack. Get her a bunch of flowers that's off the both of them. Two cups? Mugs. Yeah. Women love mugs. They do. Or jet skis.

Can I just say? You're right. No, I am. She really loves mugs. Give her two mugs one off each kid a bunch a big bunch of flowers off both of them and lick her pussy at the same time this is a separate right kids you've given your right thing is that not your perfect sunday couple of new mugs flowers on the windowsill and a big fucking squirting orgasm come on the mugs, flowers on the windowsill and a big fucking squirting orgasm. Come on. The mugs have to be shit though. Like they made them

or drew on them. They can't be like just like fucking like Oliver Banas. Like he has a lovely mug. She wants it to be shit. Just get two white mugs and some sharpies and go write your name on that and mummy and she'll fucking cry her eyes out. Right. She does love mugs. Of course she does. We never have more than three people

in the house drinking cups of tea. We've got 48 mugs. Women course she does. We never have more than three people in the house drinking cups of tea. We've got 48 mugs. Women are so... Like, they love so few things. Mugs, flowers. They love so many things. And you just have to get them some of that. A couple of mugs, get some new popery. Oh, popery.

They love popery. Oh, fucking hell. I forgot Laura exists in the late 80s. Get her some doilies. Massive. Get her some new doilies. And they love beepers. Mugs.

Yeah. Get her like a printer of her favourite song lyrics. I thought you said get her a printer. Get her a printer. Get her an Epsom. Get her an HP.

Change the fuse in the Hoover. Do you mind, Cal? We're talking printers. Change the fuse in the Hoover and get that Hoover sucking a little bit stronger than it was last week

and she'll be like Dan have you done something to my hoover it's performing better is that a euphemism

I don't think that's how fuses work I want to suck more talk me through fuses I don't think the fuse is gone and it needs cleaning up right right right

the fuse went eight months ago but I was waiting for fucking Mother's Day the house is an absolute shit hole my allergies are through the roof but hey the weather fucking Mother's Day. The house is an absolute shit hole. My allergies are through the roof. But hey, what I did for Mother's Day changed the fuse.

You can't do it. You're just a woman thinking about mugs and oral sex. And mortgages. She doesn't think about mortgages. Pay the mortgage off. That's all my, what? Pay the mortgage off. Ah, cool.

I hadn't thought of that. Have women always loved mugs, or is there an age where they get to where they suddenly love mugs? Oh no, when I was clubbing, I was 18, I was on pills sometimes you couldn't move for women with mugs. Yeah, they were there for the beats and trying to get laid but they were also there for the mugs.

It's when their water's big for their face, baby. The second their water's big, they're like, oh my god, my water's broke. Here's a cup of tea, here's my favourite mug. Not just any old shite. Yeah, alright. I love m a mug. Make us a cup of tea. In my favourite mug. Not just any old shite. Yeah. All right. So two.

I love mugs as well, by the way. Have you got a favourite mug? Yeah. The Vanderbilt one. Oh, the black one. You're a Vanderbilt dad? What? I think I've got a Vanderbilt dad mug.

I've just got Vanderbilt on mine because I haven't got any kids. Did you? Yeah, it's great. Yeah. I've got one from the Van Gogh Museum as well. Oh, you have got mugs, haven't you? Yeah.

Oh, you're going to be a great mum one day. I've got a Slytherin one because I'm a Slytherin, you know? Yeah. I've got two mugs you bought me. Yeah? Los Puyos Hermanos. The Breaking Bad reference mugs.

That's cool. Yeah, that was a really well-timed Christmas present, wasn't it? Right, mugs. So's cool. Yeah, that was a really well-timed Christmas present, wasn't it? Right, mugs. So I'm going out mug shopping today. They've got to be shit. No, they've got... Why are they shit?

Plain white mugs. Plain white mugs. And get like mug paint. Mug paint. And get the kids to paint them. Yeah, they do them in the works. Yeah. They do like paint your own mug.

Ah, these are going in the bin. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're not going in the bin. This is what you don't understand about women, Dan. She will. She will love it because the kids have made it. Yeah. No, I don't think so.

And act like you didn't even know they'd done it. Whoa. And then they look even better. It's got to be, they've got to be mugs made by some woman that uses a full name as a designer. Like Christine Bleakley. Yeah, Christine Bleakley.

Only available at John Lewis. It's just names. Don't tell me she hasn't got kitchenware. She defo has. It's pictures of her and Frank on plates. Two flowers. Two. No.

Two bunches of flowers. No. You're not listening. Two two mugs one big bunch of flowers he can i check the fucking var he definitely said two bunches of flowers didn't he all right okay right two mugs yeah one flowers two oral hours but you pretend you don't even know about the mugs like what she really wants is to know that you've helped the kids but you you this is christmas Day for women you know you've got to

get involved no but you've got to Mother Nature came down the chimney I didn't even touch these you've got to get involved with like the charade of like

it's Father Christmas you know the kids did this love she knows you did it the kids kept the receipts as well just in case I fucked it up the kids

she knows you've done it but you present like the kids did so you like the flowers you give them in the morning and've done it but you present like the kids did so you like the flowers you give it them in the morning and then maybe at night you put like one mug

on each of your bed stands but you don't want to see that and just as you finish licking it out you go hey and have a look at them are you thirsty where have they come from eh

she she comes uncontrollably squirt everywhere ruin the carpet hey and there's a mug from your kids that's what you like thinking about innit just after you squirt

your children. Here's some flowers. Not two bunches. That's ridiculous. One bunch. Now put your knickers on. Go and hide these mugs. Great advice.

No cards. We're not going cards. Cards default. No. Oh, cards. Mums do love cards. You love, you ate cards and you've managed

to find this magical perfect woman who just agrees with everything you do on all sorts of holidays but women love shite like that make them

make them yourself as well get pictures of the kids and it looks like they've driven the car they've gone to the shop like Etta's like yeah so there's a photo shoot now

involved yeah it looks like Etta's drove to the shop. Oh, nice one. Down Parkgate Road towards Chester. It's 50 miles an hour, but I'll stop. Get the car... Like... Yeah, yeah, nice.

Pictures of kids things just give me another idea, though. Nice. Good. That's what I want. I want more. Are the FBI involved? What do you mean? Because this is a good way to get the FBI off.

No, there is. They might get involved, but there's actually... So you take Etta and Jack to like, I don't know, like a... Making himself laugh

thinking of his own bullshit there, guys. Processed it, lined it up and then laughed at how stupid it was. Take them to like an abandoned jail or something.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Alcatraz. Alcatraz. Fly them to Alcatraz. Can we do it somewhere in Cheshire? Gocatraz take a photo of them somewhere in Cheshire go on

take a photo of them in the jail cell and then hire the babysitter right for like a night in the jail no oh no put them in the

premiering or something yeah yeah yeah yeah they're out of the building and then not can I photoshop the jail or do I have to be

in an abandoned jail it depends whether you believe Laura's any good at spotting Photoshop. Yeah, she's, no. Because you're going to show Laura the picture and go, look, I was about to do loads of Mother's Day stuff. But we've had a threat against our children.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're in jail. They're in San Francisco Bay. Yeah. And then you just, a couple of days later, you collect them from the babysitter so you get them we've had two days without the kids so two days they've been held hostage what we're doing for them two days relaxing relaxing your kids your kids have been enjoying

time with your wife getting intimate again ah she that's what she wants the old kidnap dick soon as the kids have been kidnapped, what can you do? You've got to wait for the call. Haven't you? You can't. You're bored. You might as well fuck.

That is classic, isn't it? Once your kids go missing, it's fuck time. And you tell a listener, the police are busy, but I've got a private investigator on it and I can just be me. Change my name on your phone

to P.I. Rowe. Or no, maybe not Rowe, that's on the news. Yeah, it is a bit on the news. P.I. Johnson or something right it had to have John in it didn't it there was even a surname

and it had John in it P.I. I don't know John Johnson and then you can just keep ringing me for updates and I can be like I'm getting closer

and then in the end I can just be like yeah you can come and get them now you get two days where you're just sat there distraught about your children

getting horny with your wife then you get your kids back you don't have to paint any fucking mugs and you look like a hero you rescued them this is the advice i really wanted yeah yeah yeah or get some mugs whatever you think is easy right the way yeah i like it i really like i like the second option because i know she's gonna get horny do you want me to book the flight to where san francisco san francisco yeah oh we're going full out there's abandoned jails. Do you want me to book the flight? To where? San Francisco. San Francisco. Oh, we're going full alcohol. There's abandoned jails in the UK. I think.

Yeah, book the flight. Great. It doesn't have to be in a jail. It just has to be somewhere that looks like they're in peril. Throw them in the sea. Throw them in the sea. But they know how to swim, don't they? Because they're children.

What are they doing in America? These fucking kids. As soon as they get in there swam there yeah yeah took three months but they'll do it children don't know

how to swim inherently it's only babies that gets out of them they lose their instincts they forget YouTube kids fucks them up kids what kids

I'd have had a stroke today thank you for your advice I'll let you know how it goes don't get chocolate either because you go are you calling me fat you have to say yes

no no I don't think... When you give... Women do love chocolate. Get them fat for you. Even the skinny ones? Yeah. Don't get her like pasties.

Then she will be upset by that. Pasties for Mother's Day. Is that a thing? Is that a Liverpool thing? Don't get her like steak bake. Like fathers for justice. Climb up that tallest building in Chester with the silencers pasties for Mother's Day.

I'll show Phil. I climb up the tallest building in Chester while my children are being fake abducted. Throw pasties at her and then it's just pound town, isn't it? What's her favourite meal? Pasties. She's a traditionalist.

I don't know, something dead healthy. How do you not know what your wife's favourite meal is? What the fuck am I? I'm not involved in that. Heated ice cream? That's S traditionalist. I don't know. Something dead healthy. How do you not know what your wife's favourite meal is? What the fuck am I? I'm not involved in that. Heated ice cream? That's Celica's. Oh, something obnoxiously healthy. Really?

Is she a healthy woman? Oh, because she's so healthy. Her farts stink. She's so healthy. She eats really well. Do you never cook for her, ever? Do you know I'm that night ago

what kind of cooking am I doing what's her naughty meal oh darn I'm feeling naughty you've lit me up well there go and get me a pasty no she just basically gets the takeaway that I'm getting like Caspian or something if I get a kebab she'll be like oh fuck it

she hasn't got a naughty meal though no I reckon that might be it she's a like, oh, fuck it. She hasn't got a naughty meal, though. No, I reckon that might be it. I reckon we'll have a dirty takeaway. She's a bit of a Maccies fiend when she lets herself go. There you go. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I honestly, unless it's a medically needed Maccies,

I could do without Maccies. What's her Maccies order? Has a Big Mac sometimes, yeah. Large fries, Big Mac, and the seasonal option, you know, like mozzarella sticks or halloumi fries. So why don't you on Sunday? She's on a diet. She's been on a diet since the start of the year.

She's lost over a stone. Mothering Sunday? No, calories don't count on mothering Sunday. She is strong, staying strong. She's physically smaller. I can't fuck with her. Make her a homemade Big Mac with mozzarella sticks. Oh, fake away?

That's what she wants. That's what she really likes done badly. Yeah can't fuck with her. Make her a homemade Big Mac with mozzarella sticks. Oh, fake away? That's what she wants. What she really likes done badly. Yeah. The kids have gone. They've been abducted. Here's a fucking shite Big Mac. Get your knickers off and I'm marking you out. Happy Mothering Sunday.

Here's a pasty. Where's that come from? Just go to the town hall. Why were you keeping that, love? Yeah. Get in the car. We're going to town hall. And now a pasty.

Second course. But but you know what all that says to me effort that's all women want early is effort and like little shite

they can fill space with effort and mugs and abductions yeah get it what's your favourite song have you two got a song

got loads of them they're singing them in the sphere, no? Go with Beautiful Day. That's my favourite one. Sunday, Bloody Sunday. It's not the most romantic, but she's deeply

affected by the troubles in Northern Ireland. Get her the lyrics to Abusable Day printed over a picture of Des Lard Yeah She can think back to when the Premiership had the rights to And you go, yeah, there was a verse and it was better anyway

And then you can watch that all day Have you and her got a song? What was your first dance to? A Van Morrison song, The Days Like These. And then it went into, we sort of, like, what? We got a mix.

Into Call Me Al by Paul Simon. That's one of my own Seneca songs though. We had a good old dance so we danced to the first bit on our own for like a minute and everyone went ah

and then it mixed into the other one and everyone joined in nice what did we we had a little dance in the kitchen yesterday we had a little slow dance

to Thinking Out Loud by Ed Sheeran lovely we had a little so do you think she like does she like that song it's getting smaller I'm worried about that did you did you enjoy that out loud by Ed Sheeran. Lovely. We had a little... So do you think she...

Like, does she like that song? It's getting smaller. I'm worried about that. Did you enjoy that? Did she like it? Did she... Oh, yeah. Does she like that song? We loving you till we're 17.

You should record a version and sing it. Is there a song that makes them think of the kids? What? Is there a song that makes them think of Etta and Jack? Yeah, Baby Shark. Get the lyrics of Baby Shark printed on a picture of Des Lydon. Quite small lyrics.

It's so amazing what you know about women. You should write a book. They like Prince, though. He's got some good songs as well. Baby Shark, do-do-do-do-do-do. Baby Shark, do-do-do-do-do-do. I would normally, like, if it was your anniversary, I'd say get like call me Al

yeah but it's about the children careful rain because do you love Prince he is on fire absolutely

on fire I've got two Prince coming on me two favourite songs I'm just waiting for Carl to do a joke no you go for the last one I've got two Prince coming on me two favourite songs I'm just waiting for Carl to do a joke no you go for the last one I've got two Prince coming on me two favourite songs

you've got to treat yourself for Mother and Sunday haven't you I just need some stuff to decorate me gaff what's the lyrics one is you should probably leave

by Chris Stapleton and the other one is you found yours by Luke Combs yeah nice love both of those tracks welcome into the house

you should probably leave. Well, yeah. That's what I said. That is what Carl said because I looked at making my own. I was going to design my own. I thought that'd be quite cool. You're not having that

on a bedroom wall, are you? Oh my God. The big letter said you should probably leave. It's a threat. It's not a threat. If I walk into someone's room. It's sexy.

It's a sexy song and women love it. If I walked into someone's room and in's sexy. It's a sexy song and women love it. If I walked into someone's room and in big letters it said, you should probably leave, I'd be like, I'm going to. Yeah, no, you wouldn't. Well, maybe you would because you're not a woman. Correct. It's a single man.

He's got to think about the mornings. It's awkward. You don't want to say anything. Babe, don't cuddle me. Read the wall. The idea of the song... Read the wall. Get your shoes off your fucking pop. The idea of the song read the wall get your shoes off your fucking pop

the idea of the song is like I know you know you're having a drink and that and you maybe going it's a first date you know you're round

and you've been having a chat you're halfway through a bottle of wine and she's getting a bit frisky and you're like you should probably

leave but don't fuck me that's the subtext of the song things have changed haven't they because it used to be it's cold outside

if you leave I'll break your legs so get your rat out it's like the opposite of that song it's the opposite you should probably leave but the implication is

not really yeah yeah yeah I do yeah you should probably leave you should probably leave but if you do I'll kill your dad listen

so I know it ain't all that late but you should probably leave. Are we doing lyrics every episode? And I recognise that look in your eyes, so you should probably leave. Because I know you, and you know me, and we both know where this is going to lead.

Don't want me to say that I want you to stay, so you should probably leave. Yeah. Is he trying to get laid or not? You've got your pussy out on the coffee table, you should probably leave. You've just knocked the coffee table. You should probably leave. You've just knocked her dog unconscious. You should probably leave.

You've just shat on the kitchen floor. You should probably leave. You have just been deadly racist against the Jews. It's reverse psychology, isn't it? It's reverse psychology. Because if you tell a woman to do one thing, she's going to do the other. You should probably leave.

She's like, I'm not fucking going anywhere. Don't you tell me anything. Suck your dick. You should definitely not fuck me. How dare you tell me what to do? Get your knob You should probably leave. She's like, I'm not fucking going anywhere. Don't you tell me anything. Don't you suck your dick. You should definitely not fuck me. How dare you tell me what to do? Get your knob out. Fucking hell. Tell you what,

you've got a lovely mug collection there, lad. Women are easy, aren't they? Women. You leave and don't you dare suck me off. So listen.

I will. Like a devil on my shoulder, you keep whispering whispering in my ear and it's getting kind of hard for me to do the right thing yeah I want to do the right thing but he can't because he wants to fuck her

and then is he gay goes to the next bit sun on your skin 6am and I've been watching her fucking hell she's been trying to get rid of this bitch

for ages it's 6am she'll probably leave 5 hours they got back to her is it 1 will you just fuck off love

no she's stayed the night now oh listen sun on your skin 6am and I've been

watching you sleep and you want these lyrics on your wall this is murderous you should have left now I'm gonna wear your skin and honey

I'm so afraid you're gonna to wake up and say you should probably leave. Because now he doesn't want her to go. Now he's going to be like, I should probably go now. God, he's soft. Because I know you and you know me, we both know this is going to be.

I want you to say, I want you to stay, but you'll probably say that you should probably leave. Yeah, you should probably leave. Oh, you should probably leave. End of song. Oh, you should probably leave. I'm going leave end of song oh you should probably leave so I'm going to get that on me I do more

wow let's hope they know Chrissie Stapleton Adam mid-bang Adam that's a question I'm going to do the one

you found yours that's a nice one yeah that one's got a nice sentiment just fuck off. Shall we have a break? Come on. You should probably break. Went back to therapy yesterday,

first time in a month. Cool. Good. It's very positive. I think we're very, in terms of a podcast and a company, a very positive sort of working environment for mental health awareness.

Yeah. I'm not saying we're not toxic in other places but this one I think we've got handled pretty well. Good for you kid. She asked me why I keep running away every time we get somewhere interesting. Excuse me? Like I forget to go places don't I? Which is what I've done

with therapy. So a couple of times I've just like forgot to go and then I don't go for a couple of weeks and she's like that's happened twice now and that's because we were getting somewhere and you don't want to look at those barriers it's because you can't be asked no he just read the wall and said i think you should leave right i mean is that just not you just being a bit feckless with your own organization and she accepted that after a brief conversation you know like she she proposed like uh a brief conversation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, she proposed, like, a reason for my sort of absence,

and I told her she was fucking wrong and shut up, and she did. That's nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're so right, Adam. Adam, it's so layered, it's difficult. 90-minute session yesterday. Whoa. Meant to be an hour, but, like, at the 55-minute mark, we had a revelation. What?

You've got overtime? Extra time? Like, at the end, I was like, oh, I'm sorry, I've kept your age there. She was like, and she couldn't stop. We had a revelation. What? You've got overtime, extra time. Like at the end, I was like, oh, I'm sorry, I've kept your age there. She was like, it's my job to control the time.

It's just we got like somewhere really good at the end there and I didn't want to stop. Yeah, plus she's going to write a PhD about you, isn't it? So it's, you know, there's a guy outside

who's going through a divorce, he's suicidal. Martin, you'll have to wait. Like it's more important to get that extra half hour. I was her last client of the day. Oh, nice. Did she charge you for that extra bit? No, it's more important to get that extra half hour. Well, I was her last client of the day. Oh, nice. Did she charge you for that extra bit?

No, it's free. The session is, you pay for the session, the session's an hour. But she's learning so much. She has to give him more time. Yeah, she's studying. He's helping her. Yeah.

It's good. What was the, can you tell us what the revelation was? I'll tell you in a bit. Oh, it's private. Yeah. Yeah, it's one of them revelations. I think you are the best. Have I just only just seen this?

The second coming of Jesus Christ. It was a revelation about why I get attracted to certain women and tell the rest of them that I'm the last. Tits. Massive tits. She was like, Adam, I want you to keep pulling at this. What is it about these women? What have they all got in common?

Her tits. What are you pulling at? The metaphorical threat. She was like, what have they all got in common? And I was like, jugs. Huge jugs. No, it's not that. It's why I end up interested in certain personalities.

And why I always want what I can't have? What? Like, fundamentalist Muslim women. Yeah. Keep pulling. I mean, that is mental, isn't it? I just want what I can't have. I matched on Hinge yesterday with a devout Muslim woman.

Well, I was just being silly, but, wow. Amazing. Are they on them yet? Yeah. Are they what? I thought that would be haram, that. Well, so did I. I don't know whether she's sunny or shite.

Sunny or shit. I think she thinks he's Muslim. He's from fucking Turkmenistan or something. It doesn't hurt. Because they're different, aren't they? One's stricter or has got a different view of the ground than the other one. One's like, don't fuck comedians.

The other's like, yeah, go away, go. Nosh him off, see what happens. It says she's looking for a long-term relationship. And some more mugs. It says that she is a practicing Muslim. Was it Shamima Begum? It wasn't Shamima Begum, no. Who liked who?

What? Who liked who first? She liked me. Right, okay. So I liked her back. And I was like, that's interesting. I haven't spoke to her. I haven't. what would you open with

there's genuinely I think across because there's three there's three dating apps on my phone there's Hinge Bumble and Tinder

find Muslim love that and I reckon combined there's probably about 300 matches that I've just never spoke to they're all just there

what are you going to open with? I don't know whether I'm going to talk to her because obviously I think she'd want me to convert and I'm not ready to give up more. I'd open with, salam alaikum. It's a good special, aren't it? Alaykum salam. Do you know what I mean?

Like, so, but yeah, it's mad. But she's full. Like, you know, I'm a practising Muslim. She's got the fucking, the ass and that. Like, she's fully hijab. Don't open with, I like your fucking... She's fully... Don't open with, I like your hat. Yeah, cool. Don't open with,

I like your hat. That would be my advice. Women love compliments. Hat. Is it hijab? Am I right? Yeah. It depends on what it is.

Ah, okay. Yeah. Get Lord of the Personalised hijab. Ah, that'd be nice, wouldn't it? Because if she was full, full, full, she'd have the full thing, wouldn't she? The baker. No. And then that'd be nice, wouldn't it? Because if she was full, full, full about, she'd have the full thing, wouldn't she?

The burqa. No. And then I'll be honest with you, I'd have thought twice about swiping right there because I wouldn't have got all the information I needed. Lovely eyes.

Yeah. They go to town on the eyes. Yeah. The hijab is like a lovely scarf, isn't it? Yeah. It is, yeah.

Do you know why they wear it? So I know why Muslim men wear or Sikhs wear turbans. It's to like it is yeah do you know why they wear it so I know why men Muslim men wear or Sikhs wear turbans it's to like protect like

the gods above or something they can't they're not allowed to cut their hair are they in Sikhism and then they keep it

and it's all just wrapped up I believe and this might just be wrong but that's a totally separate religion so we should probably

no but I mean head garb with atheism and religion head garb the box theism and religion head garb in boxes pet a jack um

yeah pet a jack a hindu um do do do do do pet a jack a hindu

do do do um I believe Muslim women wear hijabs because they think if men saw

their hair that they'd all want to fuck them get your boots done Gail it's about modesty isn't it that is what it is I don't think you

I think you might be paraphrasing it's a bit reductive sisters why do we wear the hijab because they're all out of fucking bank do you know what I mean

they're horny bastards Bo Joe and you haven't washed your hair and you put a hat on smashed it haven't he do you know I always have to wash the hair do you don't washed your hair and you put a hat on. Smashed it, haven't he? Do you know I always have to wash the hair?

Do you not? Well, good luck with that. Can you, for the podcast, say hello to her? Sounds like an interesting, you know,

if we're talking about threads, pull up that one. Okay. So is that one that you'd want to pursue because it seems wrong? No. That's not what,

that's not part of the therapy. I didn't go to therapy, SD and go, I've been swiping rice exclusively on devout Muslims. Why would they be wrong, Finn? There is Muslim dating. Why would they be wrong?

I get that targeted ad a lot. Yeah. Well, you're just going for danger dates. Not that it's dangerous, but it's unusual, isn't it? You said it was wrong. What? Carl, stop going for him. Bitch.

Man United fans next. What are we going for? What? Carl, stop going for him. Bitch. Man United fans next. What are we going for? I just, I think,

I always feel like I have to earn it with women. What do you mean, babe? Like, if it's just given to me on a plate, I'm like, fucking be gone. Yeah, the chase is part of the kill. But why? Because you've earned it. It's like, not unworthy.

Why is that important to me this was the revelation we had yesterday tell you in a bit because you're young when you were younger you didn't get it so easily you had to chase it now if it's too

now if it's too easy you feel like and that's why you're not a therapist I'm gonna fucking clue what you're talking about no of course I'm not a therapist we're just having a conversation about

oh my god I'm not a therapist what is it I don't like like is there some is there an element of that like if it's too easy i think a lot of our like your perception of yourself is formed when you're like 14 15 16 because i look pretty good at 14 15 and now i look like a bald lump but in my

head i catch myself and go yeah you're doing all right dad whereas i've got mates who are like a bit overweight and didn't do very well with girls at school and they've really fucking worked at themselves they look great now they go to the gym they're in better shape like and but their perception is oh shit you've got to really work at it i don't know what it is like in and around that age you sort of decide if you look all right like i genuinely i look at myself some days ago you've fucking got it kid you're like no i don't objectively i know that i don't i'm overweight i've got fucking nowhere like but in my head i'm like still got it you have got it then after you but i don't know if that's just in me from being 15 16 i did well with girls when i was that age it was it was dead easy and i i don't know is there something there

what were you like when you were that age 15 15, 16, around with girls and stuff? I was always all right because I always had chat. Yeah. Yeah. I was always fine. It's not that at all. It's linked to my entire background and what I've done with my life and how I've built my career. He doesn't want to give the girls the trade secrets

because they'll all be in his DMs saying what he wants to be. That's what he's doing. It's doing. Fascinating. Rowe's mental health. I love it. Shall we do some questions, boys? Go ahead.

Oh, we have a question. Oh, I've pressed the wrong one. Come on. We're going old school. It's just the OG. Oh, is it? Fuck the OG, mate. This new sneak's banging, by the way.

Root beer. Sneak brought out like a soda range. If you don't like root beer, you'll absolutely despise it. Have you smoked that? It's awash, isn't it? It's so nice. That bottle's cool. Not even good mouthwash, like Listerine. I love Rupert. Little Five Guys bottle. That was cool, wasn't it? Very American. It's like an American soda range.

I'm going to have a cheeseburger and a shake. Two pints. Yeah. Cool. I really like it when you don't make it subtle. Anonymous, what's happening, lids? Got a confession for you. When I was 17, my sixth form rugby team

would frequent a local Indian restaurant for our monthly socials as it was the only place we could get served. They must have been happy every time we booked in because we drank the place dry. After the season had finished, we arrived there for our end of season social, only to be told we would not be served

and would have a maximum time of 60 minutes to eat and get out. Naturally, we were all pissed off and determined to find out why. We came to find out that one of the lads' mums had called the place and told them that if they allowed us to drink there, she would call the police and report them. We were desperate to find out whose mum it was, but couldn't work it out as nobody would either ask or confess. So obviously we all turned on the weirdest lad in the team,

blaming him and his thunder cunt of a mum for ruining our social, forcing him to leave the team. I later found out after telling my parents that it was in fact my thunder cunt of a mother that made the call. I was fuming but never said anything to the team or the lad we bullied out of the team. Do I need Jermaine Penance or do I let sleeping incels lie?

Cheers, lids. You don't need any Penance because I think most people in your situation would have gone, too much has happened. I'm not going to mention this. I don't think you would have helped anyone by mentioning this. You'd have ruined your own life. Everyone would have hated you.

What are they going to do? Try and make it up to this kid who you sort of harassed? No. I think you need to attack your mum. Yeah, physically. Damage all the mugs. Turn your mic on as well. Oh, you're off, Finn.

It's gone. Oh, you're back. I you're back get emancipated there we go emancipate what does that mean what does that mean separate like a separation

from your mum and dad divorce your parents oh or or hug your dad and do stuff to him get emancipated

date rape your dad that's the answer isn't it is emancipation i can't even think i think you can do it at any point well i think you don't need to after the age of 18 you're old enough to just go away anyway how old are they you don't have to it's before you're 18 that you divorce your parents after that you can just go fuck off and leave me be they've got like legal didn't macaulay culkin divorce his parents nothing at home alone yeah yeah they just fucked off did he yeah

did he get emancipated I know Barth does in The Simpsons I think so I think he did Google or not didn't Lindsay Lindsay Lohan do it as well

basically if you're thinking of the parent trap yeah I am yeah I'm thinking of loads of films child stars whose parents probably can try and control their lives and funds

it's probably likely yeah yes he did. He did get emancipated. At what age? 14. Right. Now, because we've used emancipation so many times,

could you just research what the Emancipation Proclamation is? It's something to do with civil rights, but I literally need to know what it is. Emancipation Proclamation. I can't hear emancipate anymore. All persons held as slaves within the rebellious states are and henceforward shall be free Oh no, yep, okay

It's about slavery Just needed to know Lincoln emancipated all the slaves What a dude Have you seen the film, Lincoln? With Daniel Day-Lewis? No, but it looks like I'd like it It's so good, mate

If you're a bit history geeky fuck it's good um it's a bit sham in it it's a bit sham to be i think the instinct to bully the weird kid because you think his mum fucked you off it's not great but i know what it's like to be that age the lads are just fucking like bad for it and also the weird kid could have gone mum did you do that not that I'm victim blaming but I am like he could have gone to his mum and gone

she didn't fucking do it look she didn't do it so you've all got the wrong one and he didn't do that he was just like because he's the weird kid

and he smells of biscuits so no one trusts him in my head it's JB this kid but he plays rugby that is so unbelievably unlikely to ever have any of those characters

play rugby I think you need you do need to do something to your mum and dad yeah what was it they went met at an Indian place

yeah I think you know what happens when you go to an Indian you have a bad one shit yourself I think laxatives yeah

laxatives your mum and dad nice get your mum and dad why Get your mum and dad. Why his dad? He's in. He's part of the problem. He's part of the conspiracy, isn't he? Stupid little... He should have said to his wife, don't be doing that.

My son's just having a bevy with his mates. There's six for him? So they might be of age? 16, 17 and you're marching in the local Indian fella and going, listen, don't be giving him a fucking cobra. By the way,

by the way, this is Norma Nightingale down to her teeth. She was this kind of mum. If she didn't like what was going on, she'd be like, I don't care. And she'd be ringing and fucking, like she was so like that. She was not chill.

I had to give your mum so many laxatives. This is the best way. A controlled environment with adults is the best place to send your son for a drink. Otherwise, he's going to the park and doing it. That's a good place to do it. It does depend how old your son is. Because if it's a five-year-old,

you don't want to be sending him to a controlled environment with adults because that sounds like a paedophile party. They're basically going to an Indian restaurant for three and a half hours. I've just literally rolled past that. They've got adults to an Indian restaurant for three and a half hours. I've just literally rolled past that. They've got adults

and they've got a controlled environment. That's a great place to do it. But if you haven't got your mum's permission to get fucking wasted at an Indian restaurant. He's in sixth form.

He wears his own clothes to school. Get the fuck off. Most kids wear their own clothes to school, don't they? Oh, sorry. I thought you meant,

yeah. No, someone else's uniform. Did you not have a uniform in your sixth form no oh shit ours did yeah

you went to a private school didn't you nope in my head didn't you go to a totally private school not at all

except for Gran the term yeah no just a really old fucking fussy it's not old clothes now by the

way I think a couple years after we left they got changed to black black uniform a six form yeah because when they linked

with Broughton Hall yeah they had a mixed uniform of like black and white that's mad black or white black and white like a black jumper

with like a white polo shirt or something right right right yeah but we could wear whatever we wanted oh I liked our uniform because I used to go to St. Teddy's to do English and they all wore uniform when I was a kid in my own clothes but we could wear whatever we wanted. Oh, I liked our uniform.

Because I used to go to St. Eddie's to do English, and they all wore uniform when I was a cool kid in my own clothes. Like, ha, ha, ha, muppy. Oh, yeah, because you moved over. What colours were yours? What was yours like? Suspiciously, the German flag.

Red, yellow, black. In what? So it was ours? On the tie. Was it? That's our colours, yeah. Red, yellow, black, and a bit of white. My nephew Charlie's there now

and it's really weird to see his uniform. It's not changed at all. It's exactly the same. And you're like... Did you get to name that kid? You what? Yeah, I did. Yeah, yeah.

I love Charlie. I had a big night out on the sesh. My sister went, we need to name the baby. She'd had an epidural. She was off her tits as well. Do you remember when you were in school, like school, school,

and one day you were leaving at lunchtime to go to a bar mitzvah or something, and you got to wear your own clothes in year seven because you didn't have time to change. So you'd have a note from your mum going, I'm not wearing my uniform today. I'm wearing my own clothes. Oh, I've never done that.

Because I'm getting off to go to my nan's bar mitzvah. Oh, I've never done that. Right. I know it wasn't your nan's bar mitzvah oh i've never done that right i know it wasn't your nan's bar mitzvah it wasn't did she late convert bat mitzvah um yeah and also she's 79 um when my school would never be like yeah yeah wear what you want and then because obviously you're going somewhere at lunch never like if you if you needed to change out of clothes for whatever reason you were in your uniform

until you left the prep my school was strict like that you couldn't take you wouldn't there was no kid that was not wearing uniform like they were strict on that

I never did that like I didn't do that but you were allowed if you're in the footy team you're allowed to wear like your training kit I did that mate nasty what? yeah like until if you had a mat oh we had that didn't do that but you're allowed if you're in the footy team you're allowed to wear your training kit I did that mate nasty

what yeah like until if you had a match oh we had that didn't we if you had a match you could wear your kit like your trackie before

I used to love in little school when I I didn't play for the older school football team it was full of fucking games we hated but when I played

in junior school like the last lesson half an hour before the footy lads you need to go you've got a game you've got to be there walking out like fucking messy with all these games and they were mats in junior school like the last lesson half an hour before the 40 lads you need to go for the game walking out like fucking messy when all these games are doing maths unbelievable yeah i remember lee gonzalez

lee gonzalez played for england school boys did he make it i i very much doubt it but we all thought he was basically fucking Pele what a name Lee Lee Gonzalez and he'd be like where's Lee Gonzalez

he's like yeah he's going to play for England school boys which is like the coolest thing the coolest thing ever like he's not here yeah

this is primary school yeah Lee Gonzalez was there any other sports that were like sort of like done in your school like well our secondary school

lacrosse or anything we weren't allowed to play footy you didn't play footy for the school apart from the six you could be a fifth year

and six formers there was a football team so James Clegg was James Clegg was he a left back or a right back he was a fucking great footballer

and he was in that team but you had to be a fifth year it was cricket rugby it's just all the middle class bullshit we had a good rugby team

yeah and then if you represented school you got full colours you got a special tie so if you got to sixth form

and you would represent the first team you got so you had a special bondy my mate bondy played prop for the rugby team big fat bastard and um he got full colors and even though i was never sporty and i wasn't even into that like i was never like you know some kids love it and they love our represent i was never asked but it was kind of cool that you got a special fucking tie uh and then there was half colours. And it was just a very old-fashioned school.

Yeah, ours was similar to that. We didn't get anything special for playing for the team. Nothing like that. Our school was a specialist sports college. So it was like privileged to be in one of the teams. And the footy team's kit was AC Milan style, black and red strips. Nice. And the rugby one was horizontal.

Oh my. I had like a gold... I'll find a picture of our kit that I had to wear. It was a full-on David Seaman 90s mad psychedelic thing. And I was just a fat bastard in it. I looked ridiculous. I was psychedelic. At the time, I bet you hated that kit,

but now it'd be like a nostalgic belter. Also, if I wasn't a fat fuck, it would have been better. I'm not feeling stuff. I was. I'm not wrong with being overweight. He's upset. He's upset. Mate, I talked about this on one of the very first episodes

of this podcast, but obviously we only had girls in the sixth form, and there must have been sort of 200 girls in the sixth. It's quite a big sixth form, maybe a bit less, but there was 500, 600 kids in the school, so there would have been a couple of hundred in the sixth form. So, yeah, say 100 girls. Oh, my God, when they practiced netball, in the quad behind, it was a multi-purpose, you know,

for lessons, you could do all sorts on it, tennis or whatever, but there'd be lunch practices where the girls' six-form netball team would practice. We weren't allowed to play on the quad, so we had to, like, the courts. And there was, like, cages. It was honestly like a fucking Bocca Juniors River Plate match. You had a quad bike.

What? You had a lot of problems. So, in your head, the whole netball team are practicing on a quad bike. What? You weren't allowed to play on the course. So in your head, the whole netball team are practicing on a quad bike. No. The most middle class. That would be so good. You said they were on the course and you weren't allowed to play on your quad? No, the quad.

Oh, we had a quad as well. Do you know what I mean? It's just a square. It's just a square. Yeah. Yeah, that's when it got cold. You weren't just like, Dan, put the quad bike away. The game's playing netball now.

Quad bike netball. It'd be great though. That's how fucking middle class this school was. It's like motorized polo. Oh, it was so fun. So pervy. So unapologetically pervy. About 600 lads just all at the fucking cage.

Oh, it was brilliant. What were you shouting? Good shot. Women's rights. was brilliant what were you shouting good shot oh yeah yeah yeah no yeah good shot women's rights good shot women's rights good shot women's girls you'll own loads of mugs one day you girls it was unbelievable unbelievable and then obviously if you were eggy and someone went there being a little cunt you got boocks. So you would have to be like, could you try and run after him?

You'd be like, fucking catch me cunts. Oh, that was well played. So you'd fake being into the fucking netball. Oh, shit. When everyone's just looking at everyone's ass. It's brilliant. Oh, it's so cool. Everyone's looking at everyone's ass.

Oh my God. So many hats. They were women. They were women. They were women. It's mad because they were all. When you're 14, when you're 13 year old lad, there was one called Louise or something.

Oh my gosh. The most attractive woman I've ever seen. I remember being in year five and seeing a girl in year six and thinking she, she's probably paid her mortgage off. Yeah. That's a woman.

Cause like they've had a little, they're, yeah, yeah. That's a woman now. Yeah. Because they've had a little dose. They're telling you, like, fucking... There's a girl who's... You'd know her as well. Like, probably. I could say her name right now, but she probably fucking listens

or she certainly knows someone who does because every time we mention someone from our school, I get a message from them a few days later going... From prison. Can you stop telling people I got beat by the dance of John Kidd in a short time? It's sort of a please. Take that out of your episode.

That did happen. He's not in prison, though. HMP Egbert. Don't talk about me, lad. Do you remember that? When we told that story? I was a lad we went to school with because we had the short tennis tournament

at the end of the year. This is old school flashbacks. It was a big deal, the short tennis tournament. But it got bigger and bigger crowds as the rounds went on. But the first round game between this person, who we will not name, and the lad who was Down Syndrome, it was like a Boca Juniors game. It was one of the best things I've ever seen.

I'll never lose that sight. You need canology. It was so, like... He was acing them. It was feral. And he won. And it was honestly one of the best moments. It should,

there should be a film made about that. It's one of the best moments of my life. You want a 30 for 30 about that? When he aced them, he kept acing them. Wow. Yeah. Honestly,

it tears me off. Full attendance. I think there was teachers there. In fact, there was tickets out trying to get you closer. I honestly tears me off. Full attendance. I think there's teachers there. In fact, I had to. There was tickets out trying to get you closer. I think. There was genuinely about 300 people. I think Fosh was on the roof as the head teacher.

Stop it. He looked like Jason Kelsey at the Super Bowl. The kid who's got the fucking... Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was doing that and getting everyone going. Yeah, doing the score. A short tennis court would fit in this room between here and that wall. got the fucking he was doing that and getting everyone going yeah like a short tennis court

would fit in this room between here and that wall that's how small they are and there was about 400 people

stood around in my head this looks like a miniature new camp yeah it was absurd and you just selling confectionery

around the I'll never forget one of my busiest days what a legacy to leave I sold that every day. Sold that every day? I sold out of every sweet I brought in.

Everything I ever brought in, I would sell out every single day. Ah, that's how you kept demand up for the next day. I would buy two packets of dairy milks that had seven in each. So I'd have 14 of them to get rid of. They'd go. I'd bring in... What price you buy and what price you sell? I think they were like two quid for seven

and I'd sell them for 50p. So, no, I must have got them cheaper than that. Yeah. And then... Big markup. I'd get 12 discos for a quid, like a multi-pack, and they'd be 50p,

so you'd make six quid. Oh, there's a lot of money in discos. And then Lucas Aids was three quid for eight and I'd bring 16 of them in. How much was cocaine? We didn't do that. Oh, you didn't do coke. Good boys.

Although you could have sold a lot of coke and it wouldn't have got any more federal at that fucking... Yeah. I'll never forget. Two bags of discos, a dirty milk, and I'll have three bags of coke. In my head, I've got a confabulated memory of him being like carried around.

I can see flares. Yeah. He's six old as well. It was six nil. Was it in Istanbul? Was it... Yeah. Was it Galatasaray? No, it was it in Istanbul was it yeah was it Galatasaray no it was near the gym

I don't know if it's still there the gym by the swimming pool yeah what was the question it's about the lads all going and getting pissed at an Indian

at the rugby social yeah your mum's a fucking give him our laxatives one more from anonymous lady hi lids confession for you i hurt a muscle in my back a while back

at the gym uh this meant that we when me and my fellow were having sex i had a bit of a pillow i was a bit of a pillow print what are you doing dan read the fucking words i was a bit of a pillow princess as it would hurt me if i put effort in It's now been over a month and my back feels fine, but I'm continuing to feign injury so I don't have to put any effort in when we shag. Do I deserve penance from a lazy, loving lady? So pillow princess is a lady who doesn't get on top. Where's my wedding ring?

Oh. Oh, shit. I'm divorced. A lady doesn't get on top. A passenger princess is a lady who will never drive. I don't mind a passenger princess. I'm quite happy to be the driver. 100% always.

My car's better than yours. Is Erica not allowed to drive your car? No. She's not a good driver. Nobody's allowed to drive my car. I don't like Laura driving my car. And she's a wonderful driver. She's amw driver that's all i need to say she's german

racist that's just angry um this is this i i couldn't have this. A pillow princess. You want it on top? No, I want, like, every now and then to just lie there and be fucked. I think that's fair enough. Sometimes... Like, I'm a generous lover. I really am.

I've known that for years. I will put a shift in. You will come first 90% of the time. Are you listening, single Muslim ladies? Are you listening? Who gives a fuck if it's haram? Haram, bro. I am.

I'm good at it. I know what I'm doing you will come if you're capable of squirting you'll squirt I will get you where you want to go if you don't squirt

it's your fault you fucking dry old boot but every now and then every now and then I just want to lie there and have you ride me like I'm a fucking bull at a nightclub

you know the bronco ones quite convoluted that one you know the bronco ones there and have you ride me like I'm a fucking bull at a nightclub. You know, the bronco ones. Quite convoluted, that one. You know, the bronco ones. I thought you were going to say bull in a china shop. Ride me like a bull in a china shop. I want fucking things falling off. I want crockery breaking.

Every now and then, put a shift in. Yeah. What's greatest when you both give us and you have that fucking competitive now. What is it, an arm wrestle or a shag? I love it when I pin her down and then she gets me in a headlock and then she pins me down

and then she booms me and I can't do anything about it. What I'm saying is, if you're a generous lover... Give, give, give, innit? If you're a generous lover, you give, but then they get competitive with me, but you're a generous lover you give but then they get like competitive with me

like but I'm a generous lover too so they want to give back to you and that's perfect because then you're fucking each other you're on top she's on top you swear on them now you're rolling

you suck your cock off the inches yeah is it the UFC it feels like it's all over the you're fucking wrestling there's nothing better stop trying to be generous I'm being generous

fuck off there's nothing better than making a woman finish with your mouth and not letting go and going again i'm just refusing to let go the second one is like they're so grateful yeah yeah yeah until they say hey get off and then you stop don't you yeah oh yeah you should probably leave yeah yeah read yeah. Read the wall, Adam. Mum's had enough. Okay. Okay.

Happy Mother's Day, everyone. Lids, do us a favour, yeah? You love us, don't you? You love this podcast. That's why you're listening to it. And especially if you're watching on YouTube, helps us immeasurably. If you go and leave a comment, like, subscribe,

and turn the bell on, it sends us through the roof with the algorithm. It costs you absolutely nothing apart from half a second of your life and helps us no end. And you can follow us on socials, can't you, Dan? Yeah, at Have A Word Pod. I nearly said my handle then. At Have A Word Pod.

Just give us a follow and comment and don't just like something. Retweet it, share it, put it on your stories. Just be sound. It costs nothing to be nice. Be a good egg. Welcome back to part three of four of this week's Have A Word podcast.

We're here with second-time guest Daniel McLaughlin. Hello, you all right? Welcome back, how are you? Yeah, I'm all right, you know. Former housemate of two-thirds of the directors of this company. Oh, really? Who have we not lived with? Carl.

Carl. I'd have loved that as well. Yeah, we did have a great time living together. That would have been sick, that. Yeah. We like the same shit, don't we, I think. Well, at least the same themes, anyway. Same themes? Yeah.

What, football, UFC? Like shoes and being cool and that. That's it. I like shoes and being cool. Me and Carl once had the best meme conversation that anyone's ever... When he was show manager at Hot Water on one of the open mic nights.

We used to do it all the time. So Danny would host the open mics and this was like... This was new acts. They weren't, you know, bridges. They were dog shit, yeah? Yeah. So I would sit in a sound booth and he would sit across the other part of the room and we could just see each other and in the middle was a dog shit act.

And we would just send each other memes backwards and middle was a dog shit act and we would just send each other memes backwards and like the memes were hitting them in the face like electronically as they did name some names what shit acts are we talking about i can't remember i was like they haven't even gone anywhere like this is their first ever gig like they can't even hold the mic who is here's a question for both of you fuck off straight away there's a question for both of you. Right, here's a question. Who did you see, like, early on? And you both have hosted 90% between years of the new act nights in the Northwest. Yeah.

Between The Frog and Booker, and you also host King Gong and Soz about you. But, like, you've seen a lot of new acts coming through. Who is, like, the worst act you've seen early on who went on to like make go from comedy who was one you were like nah and don't say me it might no

you was the worst dressed I was yeah glow up wise like some of them shirts from the officers club you used to wear like like how you were that funny in Petroleum. I don't know, but like... That was Blue Ink.

Blue Ink was his job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love seeing like... I went on stage once in a T-shirt that said, if you're happy and you know it, show us your tits. That was your night out T-shirt? And then at the end,

you took your top off. And it was sex, drugs and sausage rolls. Sausage rolls, yeah. Drink, drank, drunk. I wore that when I won Liverpool Comedian of the Year. Drink, drank, drunk as well. Drink, drank, drunk, yeah. You had big female body investigator vibes.

Like, oh, here's Roe, we found him. Best return to the pub oh it was so bad when i went through me uh pictures the day to send like a old picture to someone and i was like oh i i like you know when someone sends you like an old picture of them like when you're talking to someone and you're like oh that's funny i'll say like let's see you when you were 18 and i went back and was like oh this is funny this like we're embarrassing each other we're embarrassing ourselves for like the sake of flirt and then i got all the way back and i was just like no i can't find any you know 19 year old divorced dad

used to dress like the year six school disco yeah yeah like on my best shirt and my best pants i'd argue as to say that you might have had, like, genuinely, not just gassing, the best glow-up out of anyone I've ever met in comedy. Paul Smith is good. Oh, yeah, Smith as well. You and Smith. From where you were at in 2011.

The floor was lower than Smith's. I think you are... Them jackets used to wear. And I've seen you at your worst as well, like when we lived together. Yeah, that was bad. Yeah. Because I put weight on when we lived together

because we would cook all the time. Yeah, like three in the morning. We'd make roast dinners at like 4am. Oh, you love a midnight fucking roast. But you know what it's like when you come in. Like you can't... I don't want to eat before work. I don't want to be like digesting a roast on the m6 in roadworks so when you get home you're like i've got i'm not going to sleep till four now you drink me up i can get the stuff and

he'd be like are you back from your gig i'd be like yeah and he'd be like right get to the fucking gates of india and i'll be there in 20 minutes oh no that i don't mind that makes more sense no i'd be like are you back from your gig? Pre-eat the oven. So you can smell lamb at 3am. Fucking boil the spuds, lad. Yeah, it was bad. But Smith's floor was bad, you know. I think it's just because you're here with me right now. No, I think it's different because I think your floor looks worse.

Like, you were essentially a child. Yeah. So you just look worse anyway. Smith was already an adult. Yeah. But, yeah, like... Smith would wear a pinstripe black grey blazer. That didn't fit.

That was about three sizes too big. Yeah, yeah. A white shirt, bootcut jeans and converse. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. He did look like he was doing improvised comedy on a Sunday afternoon. He looked like he just lost his job as a magician

and gone, I'm going to just do some crowd work instead. It was bad. Some of the outfits that I wore. I'd rather have pictures of him as my past than the pictures of me. Yeah. I remember New Year's Eve once at the Frog. This must have been about 2005 before I met either of you,

where I wore, and I remember it very, because I was like, oh, it's New Year's Eve. I'm going to make some effort. I wore a brown pinstripe suit, a white belt with, you know, the studded metal ones, like the emo ones that was white, a red pair of Converse. And I had, I think I had red glasses.

What shirt are you talking about? I look like fucking Timmy Mallet at a court case. It was so bad. And I checked myself before I went out. I went, flying it, Dan. Look, quality. You dress so much better since this podcast. There's a picture of you in like a scarf

and you look like 40 years older there. I'll try and find it. Right. It's great. I want to claim some vibes as well. Like, I think like living with me,

especially Ro, come down and be like, oh, I like that hoodie. Like when he moved in, I was like, don't like any of your clothes. Yeah.

And then I come down and it's like, oh, I'd actually wear that. Yeah. And then I'd be like, oh, it's mine actually.

My hoodie on for a while. They're my undies. Sat in my undies and my undies. You've got half your wardrobes everywhere. Do you know what I mean? You can't claim that. I've lived with you. Oh, yeah, no.

It was honestly like the storage of a footlocker. There was just trainers everywhere. Yeah, it's like scope. That's my flat now. Yeah. That used to be called. Yeah. I know what it used to be called

and you've warned me about the card i won't be i won't be telling you what it used to be i tell you what i can't stand the word society it really doesn't roll off the tongue it's offensive i couldn't believe i found out last week he told me blew my there's loads of them when like, the etymology of a lot of that stuff. Like, words that you thought were harmless actually are quite egregious. Yeah, I won't say, but there's a racist one that I found out that is, like,

was thrown around a lot, and it's got such bad racial connotations. Is it the M-word? It isn't. That one's kind of bad. I had no idea. I was used to singing in me songs it's one about um being mixed race right and i found out what the connotations i was like oh that is bad

send me a meme but that was used as what yeah yeah that was used as like i'm being racist i'm just saying i'm just describing what he's like but the connotations of that saying are abhorrent yeah but like some stuff like that does take a certain amount of edge because like I use that with absolutely no knowledge of it for my entire sort of childhood and into early adulthood and then someone else had to go,

you know that's bang out of order because you're just not taught stuff like that. This is one of his best bits. Like I always say it, I don't think you'd do it enough. You know the bit about the robots? Oh yeah, yeah. It's a phenomenal bit of stand-up comedy.

I tried to bring it back for the tour, and it's just too fiddly. And it's dead. When you said it, it was dead prescient as well. It's like, oh, right, that is like, not only is that like really funny, but it's on the nose, like what is definitely going to happen?

We're going to get pulled up on political correctness. I found myself doing it. Like for stuff that when I, not even like bad stuff, but like, oh oh you can't say that and you're like what what yeah and they said it's a traffic cone yeah yeah yeah no not anymore that in the future our grandkids will be like you've got to respect ai you can't call it a robot and they'll be like oh you use the r word yeah yeah it's brilliant it's a fucking toaster yeah

did it not work it just it's too fiddly it was it was working all right and then i ended up just doing it uh i've said that when i get to an old people's home i want to be looked after by a geordie ai robot and it was just me doing cheryl cole as a care assistant and you know when you're having loads of fun on stage and you can't for the life of you get out of it there's no point it's just me going i beep, boop. I'm going to kill you. I'll fucking shoot you, you bastard. Beep, boop. That's essentially what she said in that toilet. Any Formula One fans will love it

because Martin Brundle, for the last 20 years, has been using the word retardation about tyres. Right. And apparently, that's technically a term. You know, the tyres get worn out and everything. Yeah.

And I think he's been doing it on purpose for 20 years. He's like, it's all about the retardation of the tyres. I don't care if that's a technical term. It just feels like

he's taking the piss. But it's also French for late. Yeah. So I was doing... Tardy. I was doing Duolingo and it's like, it came up

and I was like. And I know because I did. Tardy? No. Retard? Retard. Yeah. Retard.

It's not offensive if you do it in a slightly French accent. Yeah, exactly. What's weird is I'll get cancelled for the accent. Not what I was saying. Not on here. Do you know what the Dutch is for spank me daddy? How? Spank me daddy. It's

gief me n clap papa. Oh yeah? Wow. I love the Dutch. It's not a serious language is it? It's so many stupid

things like that. Gief me n clap papa. I love the Dutch. Their hip hip hooray is hibbity hip hoorah. Just taking the piss. No we do it a slight different than that. Hib a slightly different than that In Holland there's probably a podcast now

Have a word in Where they're probably like going Do you know in England Hip hip hooray Ridiculous Do you know what Give me un clap papi I'm sorry love

I don't speak your language. Do you know what a hassle slag, a haggle slag is? A haggle slag, a different... Is that a prostitute who is up for negotiation? Is that the dirty house in Hogwarts? Well, I can't say the fucking real one now. A haggle slag! It's bread, I think. I don't see it. The fucking real one though. Haggle slag! It's bread, I think.

I don't think it is. There's also slag. A loaf of haggle slag. Slag room. So you can get haggle slag with slag room on. That's whipped cream. Go and get us an extra thick haggle slag there. Got some slag room.

What slag room? Whipped cream? Yeah. Oh, you knew that? No, I heard you say it. Oh, right, right. Oh my God, Danny, you speak Dutch. um what's lagroom cream yeah oh you knew that no i heard you say all right oh my god donnie you speak dutch fick me fick me stick it in me

ah tony law love that bit i like german porn but i don't get it I don't speak the language fick me fick me stick it in me moot what are they saying oh my god anyway that was a really weird lull why are you learning French

I don't know I think I was on like a I want a journey of self discovery I can do on my couch like I want to find myself but in my front room still. So I just want to better myself, but still be fat, essentially.

So I was like, oh, what can I do? And I was like, oh, it'd be nice to learn a language. Should you use Babbel? Well, better. Yeah, but like... Ryan Babbel, he's a good chooser. He could have taught me Dutch. Just better now.

But I'm not good at it. I've got like a 40... 40... Babbel sponsored us, don't you think? We've just got a Babbel as a sponsor. I reckon if our sponsors come on board and then get annoyed when we do the odd joke about former Premier League footballers,

they're not going to stick around very long anyway. I wasn't having a go. No, it's just because Duolingo got mentioned. That shite. Anyway, Danny. Sorry,ite. Anyway, Danny. Sorry, Danny. Sorry, Danny. How far into the...

What can you say? Not a lot. You can say late. Yeah, that's it. I just go around calling everyone late. Late. I'm learning French. I've got a 422-day streak.

Oh, shit. Well, I've got a B at GCSA so I obey so I I got a basic knowledge anyway

yeah that's why I did it so you haven't had them shouting at you on the phone because you keep doing your streak doesn't he get mad the little owl doesn't he shout at you

the owl the owl threatens you what he comes on your screen and goes lad where have you been I'll fucking punch your head in. No, it's worse than that.

Because it's like... That should be one of the options. Yeah. It's really emotional. What? So the owl's like, oh... I'm sad. If you don't want your kid to be disappointed in you,

you should probably log on now, do some French. Does he use that? Like, proper, like, yeah, he's on it. Yeah, he's pushed notifications. He'll go, where have you gone? I'll, you know, I'll hurt myself unless you come back. If you still want to be in your dad's will, you better...

Are you sure this is the owl and not your sleeping house's demon? I don't sleep. Did you do French? Did you do French? Oui. Did you do any French exchange or French trips? I was too working class for that.

Like, genuinely, I think... When you're as working class as me, my dad probably wouldn't have let me go because of a natural distrust for foreigners. So he's like, oh, you're not going over there. You'll come back eating pan. Like, do you know what I mean? But I also, like, it was like 60 quid.

So I wouldn't have paid. I didn't do any trips. I didn't do any trips. I didn't go on a plane until i was 20 you were like 25 maybe even a little bit older yeah 2017 no 2018 that's well older you 27 2018 it was for me birthday as well when it went to billing 26 yeah wow yeah i went to to New York on my first, and I literally thought I was going to die

every time, like, there was any turbulence. Because you just don't know, do you? But you know about the turbulence, don't you? That makes you feel better.

The grape and the jelly thing. What? Have you seen it? No. So, imagine the plane is a grape inside some jelly.

That is what turbulence is. It's pressure on the plane. You can't just fall out the sky. You're just in a pocket of pressure. Oh, so it's you in the plane. When it's rattling around. It's the plane in the jelly. Right.

The plane can't fall out. It's just in a pocket of pressure. So what am I in this? A pip? You're the pip inside the grape. It's such a stupid and non-relaxing analogy. No, that helped me. No, it doesn't help me at all.

Imagine you're a baby in a washing machine, you know? You're going to die in a washing machine. Like, what are you talking about? Different then. In nasty turbulence, though. Just talking about jelly and grape.

That thought, you can't just drop out the sky. You're just going to... I don't... I get scared at takeoff now. I was such a bad flyer for like five years. But I don't like takeoff

because every time I hear about a plane crash it's always crashed soon after yeah like launch that's the one so like once we're in the air i'm fine and turbulence feels to me like you're just on a bus going down fucking queen's drive like it just feels like since i've been driving more and you're on the mo you know when you go over to 62 yeah and you get a wobble on the and you're like that in my head that's turbulence and if i can trust myself yeah driving an astra on the 62 i can trust the pilot who's been in but then in my head i'm like yeah but like what if he was out last night he's still gonna come to work like that's what i think about as well like pilots who get on it well do you remember that pilot who just crashed into the sea why sp? SpongeBob SquarePants.

What, Tom Hanks? No, about two years ago, this guy, he was suicidal and he took a plane down with him. Yeah. Was there anyone in the plane? You can't worry about that, though. Because if you start worrying about other people's mental health and them killing you,

you'd be suspicious of people walking down the street. I was nervous coming here. But, like, do you not think about that? Do you not think at all times you're trusting everyone you're near to not just blow your head off? I think how easy it is I could just run everyone over. I think that's honestly how Laura thinks most of the day. She walks out of the house and she's like,

where can the murderers be? And her answer is everywhere. Yeah. But I 100% agree with her. But the fact that there's nothing you can do about it relaxes me because I'm like, what can I do? I only get stressed about stuff that I can affect. If someone's going to blow my head off with a shotgun,

then I can't live my life being all vigilant about it. You're like, what? You just can't do that. That's what I mean. Get off your nut there. Just add some commando rolling round L1. You've just got to hope that someone doesn't do it. But also, it's easier to do in this country.

Like, I imagine if I lived in America, where people have got guns, like, allowed them, then it's... or it's easier to get. They're dying for someone to try and shoot up there, because they're all like, this is what we fucking train for. Whereas in this country, if you see someone looking dodgy walking down the street with a shovel, you're like, I'll just cross over, innit?

I'll be able to outrun him or something. You're less likely it's going to happen here. There might be a psycho in a car. Yeah, but imagine you see a fella coming down the street with a shovel, right, and you cross over, and then someone jumps out of that bush and shoots you with a shotgun. And then that fella's just gone to his garden.

Yeah, but that's what I mean. It's hard to get a shotgun. If someone comes out with some gardening shears and gets you, then maybe, but... I've got a fella called Scottish John who'll sort you out if you want a shotgun. Well, he won't sort you out now. You've just put him on blast on a massive podcast.

Give him a fake name. Oh, yes. Yeah. Irish Dave. Yeah. It must be maddening in America, though. If you're like, oh, shit, he looks like he's in a bad mood. You might have a concealed gun.

Yeah. And that makes you want to get a gun, doesn't it? That's the thing. Yeah. That's why I've got loads of shovels. You can't be careful. Yeah, you can't escape fate, you know? Whatever's coming for you is coming for you.

So if there's a fellow walking down the street with a shovel, just front him. Well you think it's fate that you're going to get murdered by someone with a shovel or with a gun? Who are you? Uhtred of Bebbanburg? You're not a Norse fucking plot. Why are you like, oh, just whatever it is, whatever happens, happens. Whatever Thor says.

Like, no. Yeah. Like, if you're going to get shoveled to death, you're going to get shoveled to death. Shoveled you. Yeah. I mean, you can put in some, you know, actions where you're going to avoid it.

Yeah, never a garden centre. Never go to the garden centre. No allotments. Yeah. If I was going to get shot, I was going to get shot. A lot of people would say, don't go to the shooting range

and have a wander round. But I said, it's just fate, innit? Everyone was fucking clay pigeon shooing and I got shot. It's fate, isn't it? Everyone was fucking clay pigeon shooing, and I got shot. It's fate. You know? No, I'm not saying you put yourself actively in danger, but you can't be worried about it, is what I'm saying.

I am. I can. I will. That's why my life is... I think parents will naturally have that built-in Monday. Apparently, once women have children, they start to get scared of roller coasters. This is true. Show me the graph. What does it do, that?

It's true. Why is there a loop-de-loop on that graph? Mate, it is true. It is true. Yeah, because they feel their own mortality because they've got something to protect. They don't want to die because they don't want to leave their kids

to fucking scavenge. Their life is scavenge. Like, I'd do nothing. Laura dies on Rita Queen of Speech. She's like, they're fucked. They'll be on chicken nuggets for two months and then they'll be feral. So was Laura

not being like Indiana Jones? She loves, she told me she loves, used to love the idea of roller coasters. The idea of them not getting on. Just conceptually, they're mad aren't they? But now she, yeah, she's got the fear of it. So she doesn't go on them no more? I think she would, but I honestly very rarely

want to completely agree with Adam on a point, but yeah. But that is not like, isn't there scarier things that she probably does in everyday life that if she's avoiding roller coasters, she should probably be avoiding? She plays Russian Roulette every morning. Yeah. What's she doing?

Driving to the theme park. No, but that's it. When you've got something that you worry about. Why did you ring Ostar for Laura? That is like a dark thing, isn't it? Yeah. I won't get in the bloody car then. May as well not get up

yeah people die you can't live your life in fear you can be you can be aware of it you should be aware people are out there

no not that that's fear just be aware someone's got a big knife in the running out here get off the roller coaster yeah

never go on a roller coaster with a knife is that what we're saying can't stop people blowing your head off. Fact. If someone wants to kill you... You can.

If someone wants you dead, you will die if they want it enough. Right. Wow. If I wanted to murder you, there's fuck all you can do. I 100%.

Yeah. How would you do it? What, with your fingers? On episode... He fingered me to death. Nothing you could do. Oh, Adam! What happened? What with your fingers? He fingered me to death. There's nothing he can do about it. Nothing he can do. Oh, Adam!

What happened? Adam didn't cut his nails for ages. How would you kill Dan, genuinely? I'd get a gun and blow his head off. No. Are you trying to get away with it? No. Would you do it on a Patreon exclusive?

If you want. The views, mate. Think of the views there. Don't do that in the public. If I want it enough if I want him dead and I don't care about getting away with it

there's nothing he can do okay imagine you want to get away with it how would you kill Dan I don't want to get away with it that's not the point I'm making don't change me point I'd put rice in your

in your cold plunge yeah oh nice Adam doesn't want to do something and not get like adulation for it he's not going to do something secret

is he he is the best podcast host merger there's going to do something secret, is he? He is. Best podcast host murder. There's going to be a preview. Eyes emojis coming soon. Comedian destroys other comedians for cortex.

You've seen roast battles. Have you seen murders? How would you kill Adam and get away with it? How would you use what he does? How would I kill him? Just out of nowhere.

I can't get it. I don't know Scottish John. I live in Chester. Danny's the roughest person I know in Chester and he's not got access to guns. You're trying to get away with it. Exploding golf ball. Ooh.

Boom. Not bad. When I play that again in September, it's going to be worth the wait. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just wait for him to get into that again. Yeah, it's not about getting away with it though isn't it's about the fact that you have to just accept that if someone wants to do it but you you have to basically make that choice of going you just have to drive thinking someone's not going to go i'm

fucking sick of it janine's left me and then just turn the car into traffic you have to just get on with your life that's what we were saying the other week we were saying there is an element of ignorance is bliss like if you're just a bit thick not full-blown stupid no life is easy because you go yeah that's bad in it but i'm just getting on with it you've all lived with me when i thought i had various different things wrong with me and if i was like genuinely less of an intelligent person i'd have it's weird because you need to be more intelligent to know that like statistically that's not gonna happen to you.

But you also need to be all less intelligent to think, oh, this doesn't even enter my head. Yeah. So you're just in like the zone where you've got both. The health anxiety. Do you remember watching that Super Bowl and you had a great time. We had a brilliant-

It was, I remember it. You watched the whole Super Bowl and then right at the end for the... They fucking wheeled this guy out. This wheel guy has got massive brain injury. Danny, we'd had a lovely night. We'd had food. We'd had drink.

It'd been a really nice night. And right at the end of the Super Bowl, guy rolls out in a wheelchair. It's something to do with CTE. No, he had fucking ice bucket challenge. Danny literally goes, right, that's my head gone. Yeah.

That's what I'm like. It's the same thing. Like with my ex-girlfriend, she was like, I really want to get into Grey's Anatomy. I got like a series in and was like,

I can't. Every single episode is a man my age who comes in with a cough and he finds out he's got AIDS and cancer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Literally.

Yeah. Such a good show though. Nah. I've just got a bit of a tickly cough, have you yet? Let's just lie you down here. Oh my god

He's got 12 hours to live I only watched Breaking Bad After someone went Oh yeah but He gets better Yeah And I was like Oh I'll watch it then

What as in the actor? No as in The Walter White He doesn't Spoiler alert Have you seen the last episode? Yeah but then

He doesn't die of cancer He gets his head blown off Because you can't stop it No he can't His cancer's back That's why he does what he does Yeah but then Like doesn't die of cancer he gets his head blown off because you can't stop it his cancer's back that's why yeah but then like season whatever he does get he gets yeah yeah in the middle then i started watching it what i should have done was waited till the end yeah because yeah like you say he once shoveled his head off his cancer's back that's why he goes and does what he's spoiler alert i mean oh if you've not seen that. Yeah, come on. What's the statute of limitations on that? I think it's a week.

No! What? For the movie? Statute of limitations on when you need to watch something and someone's not allowed to spoil it for you. You're saying it's a week. I just don't think, I think we live in a spoiler society now.

I think if like, all right, what I'm trying to say is, I think it's a week in the flesh. Right. I think it's like, don't go on the internet. You have to throw your phone in a skip.

Yeah, totally. Yeah. I get it. You can't like, if I don't catch a Liverpool game, I'm recording it and I'll watch it when I get in.

Yeah, yeah. Like I will avoid everything. I'll put my phone on airplane mode. I won't go on. Can you do it? Can you manage it? I've done it once

and it was when Liverpool played City in the Champions League and beat them 3- mode. I won't go on. Can you do it? Can you manage it? I've done it once. And it was when Liverpool played City in the Champions League and beat them 3-0. Spoilers. So the goals from Salah, Mane and Oxlade-Chamberlain. The first leg of the Champions League quarterfinal in 2018, 17, 18. Like I went to watch Derren Brown

with an ex-girlfriend. And when we drove home, I put me jumper round me eyes because we were driving like through tube roof and I didn't want to see the fans and see whether they were smiling or not. Why didn't Derren Brown tell you before the game? Do you know we had Jason Sudeikis in that show? Mad.

I deserve a screech. Like, uh- You can't just come to the pub and just spoil something. No. After a week I can. Noch you can't just come to the pub and just spoil something after a week I can no you can't so what five years

a film yeah I think it's five years if five years I've seen it in the pub and one hasn't fucking shut your ears and walk away

oh yeah yeah totally what do I talk about it's me and you alright what about what about on a podcast like this where we've just

ruined it Bruce Willis is dead all the way through Sixth Sense. The limpy one in Usual Suspects is Kaiser Soze. Batman's dad dies. Oh, shit. That's a spoiler if you haven't seen

any. That's why he's got some issues. And if I think of any more spoilers, I've never seen it. Don't ruin it. You would fucking love Shutter Island. Tell me about it. Spoil it for me. I can't.

Otherwise the film's essentially pointless. It's actually better the second time you watch it. So if you spoil it for him, it might be better if you just only have to watch it once. No, I can't. I genuinely do think right now, when you know a film's got... So say if you went to watch

an m night shy amal in film nailed it you're just i know him uh we i don't you're just waiting for that instead of enjoying the film it takes you out of the film yeah this is another problem with being intelligent though is looking for the ends of stuff when it starts and as soon as i start watching a series or a film or anything it ruins everything what i love about that adam is i genuinely thought that you were calling me intelligent then and then you were like because the trouble is when i watch a film no but i consider myself intelligent and you are and it's the same thing and he does and he does the same thing and i know it like you you are, and it's the same thing. And he does the same thing, and I know it. Like, you watch it, and then in the first 10 minutes, you go, right, he's sound.

That bird is who he's after. Oh, and then a fella comes in, and he's a cunt. And you're like, right, well, he's getting fucked off, isn't he? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's either a cunt or a gimp, and he's getting fucked off. And anyone who is remotely unlikable gets fucked in the film, and the lead character gets what he wants. Yeah, but isn't that

part of good writing where you think you can work it out and then there's twists and you don't know what's going on? I've never failed. I didn't see James Bond dying.

Come on. Did James Bond die? In the last one. For fuck's sake, man. How many years ago was that? It was last week. It was about three years ago. I didn't know that.

Yeah, he's the first one. I'm not a Bond guy, though. Not a Bond guy. Who's your guy who's your who asked this who is your bond though uh it's probably weirdly because of my age it's probably dalton although it should probably be brosnan mine's brosnan yeah but i'm like 10 years older than you yeah like it dalton is the first bond i remember there being a bond no you see i i'm only a year or two older than you but i remember roger moore being on loads on a saturday afternoon on itv and they were cringy i was c-fax yeah that was all it was on saturday afternoons in our house teletext my dad just loved cheap holidays waiting for the like page three or four to see the everton score what was the quiz what was the

quiz on c5 i don't know was it transfer room a section on on the bbc oh um i once there used to be a video game like tips line and i was really stuck on super punch out on the snares i couldn't but do you have you played it Do you know which one I mean? So there's like quite high up. It's like near the top champion. There's like this Chinese dude who's like this wizard and he's got like a stick. And like, if you have to do it

and he just twats you with the stick and it knocks you out straight away. It finishes you off. Like it's one hit kill. And I spent like eight quid at the phone box. Like I had eight quids worth of 10 pences just feed in the phone box like that and i finally got through and i was like oh i'm really stuck on this and he went hold on a minute and he went yeah just stay away from his stick and i was like is that it like what are you on about and it was like it's fucking done my head

into this day and if i ever see that guy, it's on site. What a job. I used to get the game magazines. I need the cheats. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The what magazine? The game magazine. I genuinely misheard it. I genuinely thought you were going to be like...

All these game fellas doing infidelity. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't get past the big Chinese guy. Watch out for his dick. Stay away from him. Or get the demos in the game magazines. Go and jump on that polar bear's head

and get yourself 10 lives, lad. Crash Bandicoot outside the 30 jumps on his head. Oh, don't... Spoilers. Unbelievable. That was such a good one.

Left, right, up, down. R1, R1. R1, L1. R2, L2. Left, R1, right, up. Left, R1, right, up. Guns. Weapons cheat on GTA

oh spawn tank what spawn tank fuck I know you're not getting that one there's a UFC fighter who's got the I think he's got like

infinite ammo something on his arm cheat like tattooed yeah I used to love I used to write them on a piece of paper and have them next to my bed

when I was playing I'd be like right I want a fucking I want a mosey bash I feel like people are running out of tattoo ideas I used to write them on a piece of paper and have them next to my bed when I was playing. I'd be like, right, I want a fucking, I want a mosey. Bash. I feel like people are running out of tattoo ideas. Like, genuinely.

If just don't have one, no one needs a tattoo that much that they go, oh, what am I going to have? Infinite ammo. I think it's because you can always punch. I took Rudy swimming at the Northgate. Do you go to the Northgate in Chester? I've never been,

but it's obviously... It's the worst display of tattoos like the public swimming pool the local authority swimming pool is the place where you want to go and see the worst tattoos like proper like like cliche ones like only dogs can judge me and like just spelt wrong and that there's no i in team yeah there's no r in cons as well mate like it's fucking it's mad and i went and it's just the worst the worst tattoos you'll ever see

it's grim on a display no on it on the bodies in the swimming pool oh I thought like in the Northgate it was just like

a fucking wall dedicated to shit tattoos that'd be better than some of the art galleries I've been to Finn would be in a Finn's got

the Turkish eye on the back of his on his back and it just didn't go well it's a Turkish I why is it different alpha bi now is it like the look yeah I know I was just I was doing a job on the podcast it was in recently like a tattoo on their force Freddy it was some sort of Latin proverb yeah a man isn't the sum of his... Yeah, it was a lot of shit. I haven't got any tattoos. Have you got any tattoos? Yeah.

What have you got? There's no R in Khan. No R in Khan. I've got ancient Greek coins on my shins. Two of them. I've got that one there, which is the kraken. Is that the one I injured? Mate.

And I've got the minotaur's maze there that's sick and i've got a book on my calf and i've got tattoos danny yeah man's man's got shin tattoos now what can wait till i'm 45 and i get my nose pierced um how bad was it it wasn't that bad it's meant to be pretty bad on bone though isn't it yeah but it weirdly i got one on my juicy juicy little ass and it wasn't that bad yeah i only hurts when it like if if for example you could get someone that would tattoo you with one continuous line it would hurt once like it only hurts when it goes in okay and then when they do all that it doesn't hurt and then they take it out and then it'll hurt again when they go back that's what that's my experience anyway and i've got like some i'm the the basic who's got song lyrics so i've got stop you messing around better think of your future

which is from a message to you rudy which obviously my kids called i mean that that's rudy that's lovely but what's the coin leave on the left leg what's the coin i know go, what does it mean? Does it mean anything? Oh, so, because I'm like a little, I like sort of mythology. So when you go, when you die, you have to put two coins on your eyes

to get to pay the ferryman over to Hades. And I genuinely, Carl, just didn't fancy getting my eyelids tattooed. So I'm like, I'll just get them on the shins. They'll find them. I imagine like if they're dead but they'll go through they'll be like but i'm that guy that's like like i said like i want more tattoos but i just genuinely don't know what to get so until that i won't just be putting grand theft auto cheats on me you'll get a tattoo eventually i think well i wanted to get one the last day of japan but the

wait was too long that was the only reason I didn't get one what would you have got? I was getting a little Tory gate a little what? it's like a Japanese gate

it's called a Tory gate but too high it's like just a gate in Southport dad it's like a little there's one maybe one behind you

over there no got taken down it's just kind of a little black on my Tory gate maybe one behind you over there. No, got taken down. It's just kind of like, I was just going a little black on my tour de gate on my arm. Just cause, you know, going to Japan was like a big part of my life.

So we're not big enough to wait another half an hour. It was five hours and it was our last day in Japan. Yeah. I was like, last day we'll get it. It'll be lovely. It'll be about a five hour wait. I was like,

I'm not wasting five hours. Why didn't you just get that tattoo when you come back? Yeah, I was going to, but then the point of it was me being there. And the last day I got the tattoo, he said, like, I don't know, maybe when I go back, I'll get it. Plus it'd be well more expensive, innit,

because you have to pay more. It's like American sweets. Like, if you get them over here, the import costs too much. I want mine. My bum tattoo touched up, and Dean Coghlan obviously did it, but then has retired from tattooing. He's still doing it, won't he? Have you asked him?

Yeah, he's like, genuinely, that was the last tattoo he did. That was two years ago. He's like, I haven't even got the stuff anymore. So I need a tattoo artist to tidy up the R.I.P. Runty piglet tattoo I've got on my bottom. Why do you want your tattoo tidying up on your arse? You never see it? Or are you squatting over mirrors?

It's because I'm squatting over mirrors all the time. I need to stop doing that, don't I? No, it's just because I keep getting out of the gym and I'm a little bit self-conscious of me. I've got a bit of a scrappy tattoo because Dean was doing it on stage while I was trying to read out questions and we were all fucking laughing.

So he was like, it's not perfect. I don't know if you can go in and go, hey, I got a tattoo on stage. Well, where Dean used to work, the guy next to him, the bed next to him is really good. He's called Jay. Do you reckon that's why he laughed at you?

And also Dean will be able to go, oh, I did that, that, that, so he'll be able to sort it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why are you getting your arse out of the gym? What? That's how you're meant to squat, isn't it? Because you get... I don't mean not in the...

Not when I'm doing exercises. In the changing rooms. That's frowned upon. I've frowned that out. So you're getting your arse out in the changing room and you're worried that people are looking at your tattoo and going just in shoddiness on that i've got an unfinished tattoo essentially i've got a scrappy little tattoo i just want it tied it up a bit you know although you did you say no instinct you were at pure gym like that's probably

people are like wow sick tat that there's not even a dressing room do you have that done in i just get an ass sleeve oh yeah yeah yeah just one literally oh all the way down what would it be called like a cycling short yeah it wouldn't be a sleeve get a short just keep going just add to it get one get it like in the style of jeans yeah get it get all the pigs you've killed there's so many i'm gonna get spider web around my bum hole oh every time dan kills a pig he has it tattooed on his ass i do that's a team johnny 27 yeah yeah yeah yeah don't get the fucking web around your bum hole oh web around the bum hole just to ruin everyone's day who's the tattoo artist mine

anyone in the shop just me and the stirrups like i've paid for it they can refuse i can't do they can go i'm not tattooing your arsehole mate it's not like a service like they get to pick what you want to do yeah yeah yeah but like we've all done bad gigs yeah that we didn't really want i don't really want to go to the Admiral Rodney in Nottingham tonight, but I've got bills to pay. He's got a lot of followers. This arse tattoo could do a lot of,

really help the shop. Even paying, you know it's for exposure. You got any clients in today? I'm just going to say, I'm doing a spiky mic. That's all I'm saying. I love the tattoo.

It's going to do it to be evil. I've seen a fella who's got like someone bent over and his belly button's the arsehole oh it's unbelievable classy guy

I mean no it's someone done it to him they got to pick the tattoo so they got someone bent over there and the arsehole is his belly button some of them are mad

my favourite ones are like if someone's got a scar and they'll do like a like a shark next to it like there's a guy with like mixing your cartoons sorry what was that it's mixing your cartoons that oh i missed that shark next to scar

oh shit oh cool maybe that's the disney multiverse that we're all waiting for finding simba what would you give i don give Artem if you had to have a shit tattoo? What do you mean? Around an injury or something? Oh, no, you mean just the ones where it's like...

A forfeit? Yeah, yeah. I don't think EFC would actually be the top. Would it? Yeah, there was... What's the one where the lads gave

a Rangers fan the Celtic badge? He's like... Honestly. It's calf even? Yeah, and he's like, what. It's calf even, yeah, and he's like, what? But then can't you just get the fucking,

the Ghostbusters sign over it? Yeah. But that doesn't really count, does it? No, I mean, but you're trying to salvage it. What if he doesn't like Ghostbusters? Oh, that's even worse, isn't it? Yeah.

Why have we done that now? Weird Venn diagram. I fucking hate Celtic and Ghostbusters. I nearly made an offer there to raise money for the India trip. Oh, that's got to be the whole fundraising. I was about to say, if someone pays the full five and a half that I've got to raise, then they can put anything on me that's not racist, but it's too much, isn't it?

How much for racist? Every man has his price. for an extra 50 pence have you heard adam rose got a swastika on his chest i know but zoe's place got a lot of that money so to be fair you know he's got a swastika on his chest and if you pay an extra five grand you can put another one there that's a lot it's a lot of power for some somebody's got that disposable income. He shall do it to you. Make me an offer and I'll consider it.

I love it. You can afford it. Fuck that. Why? You can just transfer everything you've earned so far just for that. Can we go off? And not lose a penny? It's so phenomenal.

Like, yeah, I'm going to raise the money. It can't be us doing it. I'm going to do it in one shot. Get it on my ass my ass i don't even look can we go after what what are you thinking not everything because that's just boring really it's too lazy comedy is there a comedy like juicy on his bum i'd like that oh the juicy tattoo on his ass adam why have you got your card details on your leg? You know what I have to make it easy for these pictures, don't you? Oh, bruh.

The juicy tattoo. He always makes love in his pyjama bottoms. He's been hurt before. Read the wall, love. Yeah, you could be just like, oh, that's just how many birds, isn't it? Oh, that's... Shall we have a little break?

20 grand duty tattoo on his arse. Part four of four, innit? It is, yeah. Part four of four. That's the last part, innit? Let's do some celebrity encounters. Finley, cupboard love. Why don't we ask Danny first?

If he's ever had any celebrity encounters. Smooth. Fucking smooth, Adam. Not his first podcast. Any celebrity encounters, Dan? Have you ever met any celebs? I have encountered some celebs in my life. Some weird ones.

What are you doing? Are you trying to guess? No, we just want to know. Oh, right. If we're just putting it out there. I saw Michael Flatley's cock. Okay. When I was 16.

What are you going about? So basically, I just had a wee next to him. And you know I'm having a look. I didn't know it was him. I just saw a man's... You recognised him by his dick? Yeah, because he had his hands behind his back. No.

Is it the Michael Flatley or liam gallagher maybe but um yeah i just saw it and that and then i was like all right whatever and then i don't know if it counts because when i saw it i didn't know it was his dick i didn't know it was him and then he came out and we were like in the bar or whatever oh no it counts yeah and someone went oh that's michael flatley i was like oh yeah i've just seen his dick yeah you haven't targeted the dick site no i do that though i will do that well if you see a famous person you're following if in the urinal i'll look me oh yeah yeah like if we're next to you if we're pissing next to each other and you think i'm looking at your dick i I've already looked at it. Yeah, but you're not going to miss his, are you? What was Michael Flatley's dick like?

Just a dick. Yeah? Yeah. It's not... It was just like... It wasn't like... Wah. You know like them ones

where you're in the gym changing rooms and a 90-year-old man comes in? Have you got a bit? No, he loves looking at old men's dick i hate it so much so i'm plagued by it but it's where they get it out on purpose for me but it's a different big oh it's awful it's a different the skin doesn't skin in the right way like a dying elephant are they not doing it just in retaliation to you though you think that's a shit tattoo look at this this dick's literally been in a war um yeah he said he said it's like a water balloon on the end and like like sausage skin like yeah an old man's car is it's like it's a water balloon still

on the top like there's loads of thin and then the weight of it's all at the bottom yeah yeah yeah like it's ready to explode yeah i had a bit about looking at people's and like i had like a full-on chart of like the different ones that you saw and i was talking about like i saw what someone was holding it like that like by the like he was trying to peg a tent and it was just loads and the punchline was it looked like arson venga's coat because it was just loads of it just like it was mad see when you do this that's i imagine like when people like whistled on bags yeah yeah yeah a bit like that that's what he's trying to do i love that where you bring up something that like six people probably but i remember it but people are like

whoa is that what you used to do for fun in the streets? They're in school. People used to whistle on pegs. They're in school. Yeah, like that's loud. There's loads of people watching this podcast now in like Surbiton that are like, what do these people do? Like blowing over the top of a bottle, so go, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo. They're old, innit?

Unbelievable. 100%. Yeah. They still do it. Do you remember in school ever? Yeah. I didn't remember this earlier. I've never gone through this.

Do you remember being in school, and whether it was you or someone else, but someone was getting off at like 12 to go on a holiday or to like a... The dentist. A dentist. So they were in their own clothes. Nah. Yeah, it's a rogue one.

You know. I think maybe they just let you off. No. People... I feel like it happened like three times a week in our school. Put it this way, I think there's more people gone the dentist in their school uniform than gone to school in their dentist clothes.

I wrote this up. We're going on holiday, so he's going to school in the morning with flip-flops, shorts. Sunglasses on. Airport pipe in the canteen. I don't want to miss the morning of school. I'm going on my holly bobs after French. But, like, I feel like that did happen.

You don't want to be retired. They were going on holiday, but they were there for the morning because, like, the school were all like, well, if your flight's not till five, then he doesn't have to miss that bit. Because there's all rules where you can't take your kids out of school for holidays. Yeah, but you still can't. It doesn't matter.

You can't take your kids out, but if you come in in the morning, you can. You still can't. Yeah, but here's what I think's mad is you're not allowed to take your kids out of school to take them on holiday, but you can homeschool your own kids if you want. So why don't you just say, oh, I'm going to homeschool them for two weeks and then go, ah, I've changed my mind.

I'm homeschooling now. I'm taking them out of school. Two weeks later, you can have them back. I love that, where you have come up with something where it just seems so simple. And I agree, but there must be, there better be a good reason because that is exactly what you said.

Yeah, I don't think you get to homeschool for two weeks because you're in the Algarve. We're doing forest school near a golf course. No, I'm't think you get to homeschool for two weeks because you're in the Algarve. We're just, we're doing forest school, you know, near a golf course. No, I'm not saying that. I'm saying you lie to the school and say, I'm going to homeschool them from now on. And two weeks later, you just go, do you know what, tag your order, you can have a bath. It's like, Mike, do you know, it's probably hat comedy this, but you know, like,

the McDonald's straw is cardboard, but the plastic thing over the top, like, why don't they swap that? Because it'd be better. Yeah. It's because a lid can't get stuck up a turtle's nose. Like, why don't they swap that? Because it'd be better. Yeah. It's because a lid can't get stuck up a turtle's nose. Mate, that turtle has got a fucking lot to answer for.

Oh, mate. If I ever see that turtle, it's on site. I would 100% right now, if you said to me, you can have plastic straws back, but instantly, every turtle on the planet

will die. Kill them. By the way, shout out K.O. Grill on Bowle Street who don't give a fuck about turtles. They were trying to get this done. Lovely turtles. They don't care about it. They on Bowle Street who don't give a fuck about turtles. We're trying to get this done.

Lovely tales. They don't care about it. They make some nice gran and do not give a fuck. I just went to a coffee shop around the corner, that bean, and that's plastic straws. So it can't, that's the- It's coming back. It's like Shane Gillis is getting rid of

cancel culture comedy. Yes. Restaurants are going, do you know what? Fuck turtles, I want convenience. No one gives a fuck about turtles, nobody. Enough to have like soggy milkshakes. It's not a law, is it? It's not like a law.

It's just more, it's an expense, probably. Obviously, you put the price on it, yeah. So they'd have to pay more. The restaurants could do it. I don't want turtles to die. I'd like it if we could have plastic straws that don't kill turtles. I think that's where we need to be looking.

We need better straws. I'd like to save the turtles. Educate turtles. Like, I genuinely would rather, like, invent nose guards for turtles. Yeah. Where it's like a gauze, where they can still breathe. You know, like the thing you put in the sink

when you do the washing up, so the spuds can't get stuck down there. You've got little fucking bayon turtles everywhere. And I just think that would be better. Like, a little mesh. Also, I don't know if the turtles don't like it? They could be flexing. Like, get on my new straw.

Maybe they're all just big fucking Charlie heads. Nah, maybe they were doing that thing where you pretend to be Britney Spears with a little... Yeah, they're all just flexing. Like, no, get that out. Like, whoa, lad, the fucking took me ages to find it. Turtles need to stop doing stars in their eyes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's killing them. Especially that one that blacked up doing Stevie Wonder. One of the best videos on the internet. Easily. I think it might be the best. It's in the conversation.

But the detail, it's not even the blacking up for me. It's the fact that... Getting led down the stairs. It's the getting led down the stairs. Was that Holland again? Yeah. Greece. That was in Greece.

Oh, Holland were gutted that that happened there first, though. Oh, was it Greece? Yeah. Holland were gutted that that happened there first, though. I love it. They went, listen, he's doing it. It's a woman. So we might as well guide her down. Oh, I love it. And she's gone, where's the piano or the keyboard? But maybe they're just like, they're not sunglasses.

They're just black. Maybe they made their sources. Oh, yeah. So maybe she doesn't know where the piano is. Yeah. It's immersive. She's the Daniel Day-Lewis

of Stars in the Rise. She goes fucking ham on it. By the looks of it, foreign stars in the rise is well better than like UK stars in the rise. Yeah. And all the Britons got talent.

When you're like, Hungary's got talent. It's always so fucking random. I like it. We should do it. What? We should do Stars in the Rise. Hungarian random I like it we should do it what? we should do Stars in Their Eyes Hungarian yeah

Stars in Their Eyes the winner of Malaysia's Got Talent did a country song and he is he sounds like he's from Texas but he is like full Malaysian he's not like American Asian he's Malaysian

and he sounds like a Texan country artist. That's how into country music you are. You're watching Malaysian stars. Malaysian's got talent. Malaysian's got talent. I think it'll blow your mind if you hear the voice come out of this fella. You're not going to get struck?

What? I don't think so. You can cut it. He's Malaysian what I do think we should bring from Stars in the Rise is the

whenever someone does something for two seconds just the clap oh yeah the first like you know so say you go to the checkout

after they do two oh yeah because they initially sang and they went yeah yeah yeah the first line like anything the bus just sets off.

It's amazing. I said maybe. I think they should do that with everything. The first portion of anything. Just the first of anything. As soon as I start having sex with my wife, just a few pumps and then, you know what, Dan?

You get arrested, you have the right to... Oh, he's nailing these Mirandas, mate. That's the sound of me. He's desperately trying to find Malaysian... Oh, my God, he's got it. Hang on. Dan. Dan.

That's a yard. I heard the sound. Not even VAR on that. I thought you said Vietnamese. Mongolia. What? Mongolia. Society.

If he starts... If he sounds so Malaysian, Mongolian, it's going to make my day. And I got friends in London. Right. Just pause it. Pause it. I'm telling you now, I can see the guy. He doesn't look like you think he looks.

I'm going to back up Adam here. Let me see. Fucking hell. Genghis Khan. You sat on that. All I've got. All for Michael Flatley's cock. Any other celebrity encounters?

Probably, but... Like, have you met any celebrities? Like, what the fuck were they doing? We got one last week. The motorbikes in the arcades. Ulrika Johnson kept refusing to get off to let this kid on. They just kept...

Yeah, I haven't got anything as good as that. That's fucking superb. Have we got any sent in, Finn? Yeah, we've got a few. This one's from Oliver Johnson. When I used to work in the LSC shop, we had a bunch of books from former players. One day, John Barnes came in the store

and asked me where his book called The Uncomfortable Truth About Racism was. I showed him. He then bought every single copy of his book we had in the store and left. What? Someone went in and bought his own john bars bought all went in and bought every copy of his book it's mad that they they're like i know it's like stupid but the fact that he couldn't find his book though about racism oh we've segregated it's over there mate like that is bad he's going where's the racism book oh somewhere over there mate like that is bad

he's gone in where's the racism book somewhere over there in the back we've got one the Kenny Dalglish one's here right front centre you'd buy a copy

of your own book if I wrote a book when I write a book and it's in Waterstones I will go in and buy a copy of it yeah but John Barnes is trying to make it seem

like his books sound really well he's just drowning in his own racism book he does seem mad as fuck John John Barnes, doesn't he? I've said it before. I love John Barnes. That's how I know you're not racist.

Oh, no, I don't think... I think there's a few that it doesn't matter, and John Barnes is one of them, and Muhammad Ali's another one. So racist people can still like Muhammad Ali, but they probably only refer to him as Cassius Clay. What do they refer to John barnes as jonathan barnes do you know what i mean like you you know when you like i'm you know your dad's like oh i tell you what but he's all right that way i feel like that i feel like john barnes was was one of those

examples if you know what i'm trying to say quite ham-fisted but i think you know what i'm trying to say there's a video we're referencing though there's a scouse like viral video where there's a an old fella on a bus and he's having to go with these two girls for like whatever you don't really see that bit of the video and then he's getting off and they go go on get off you're fucking racist he goes racist me i'm a fucking i fucking love john barnes Oh, my God. Johnny Barnes, the best fucking footballer ever played in the football club. You fat fucking swat.

You fat fucking swat. Yeah. But they're the mad racists that are like, oh, I love him so much. He's like, oh, he's moving in next door. Oh, I think we're looking for somewhere else to live. Like, that's the- He's the token, I like black people.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a few. Yeah, all football fans who boo a racist at games against the opposition team who's got like a black player. Yeah. There will be someone

from an ethnic minority on their team. They're like, nah, nah, they're fine. The best video, that was when Hulk was getting it in Russia. I hate green people.

Fucking hate them people were making monkey noises like a lot of the crowd and he picks the ball up and scores a fucking ridiculous goal but it was cancelled for handball

because he picked it up no the crowd just goes silent and it's like ah fucking unbelievable he spoke with his feet amazing such a good video

see Vinicius Junior didn't he no he kind of goads it doesn't he he scored against was it Valencia he scored against one of the V1s

from Spain and it's weird he got racially abused last year and he picked the ball up and he stood on the centre circle and just did that sick

and they're all just going mad at him Spain's mad isn't it Spain and Italy are bad for him even France and Russia worse yeah did that sick and they're all just going mad at him it's such a stand by the way it's made in italy a bad for around even from russia worse yeah but he silences them they stop spain's bad italy's bad france is bad russia's bad america's not great the uk is getting worse it's pretty bad out there for black people guys and that's what we want you to take away from this if there's any black footballers you know think about what you're playing because apparently wales is sound yeah you can go play with tns

i would have put money on you going on tns it's not even a welsh team oswestry it's from oswestry it's england total network solution yeah it's the, they used to be Oswestry Town and Oswestry's in England. They've won like 10 of the last 11 titles. It's like the Bundesliga, the Welsh League at the minute. It's a disgrace. Money's ruined the game. Harry Kane's going to TNS.

They're the only professional team. They're a professional team. Everyone else is just... But haven't they been called like 10 different acronyms of TNS now? Because when Liverpool played them in the qualifying round of the 2006 champions league, they were total network solutions,

but they're not that anymore. They've been the new saints for like, it's because like, basically it was like Vox halls having a team. Yeah. And it's the factory team. Yeah. And you can't really say that your league's a professional outfit.

If the factory team is winning, like, so they had to, yeah. So they had to, originally a lot of football clubs are like factory teams, aren't they? Sheffield Wednesday, famously,

because they got Wednesdays off to play football. Like, when they brought in... Isn't Wolfsburg still essentially the Volkswagen team? Oh, probably. I think. The badge is very... No, but I mean, they were started as like, yeah, this is the factory team.

The zookeepers. Did you see Wimbledon beat the Dons today? Oh, did they? Yeah, in the last minute. So zookeepers. Did you see Wimbledon beat the Dons today? Oh, did they? Yeah. In the last minute. So good. Fuck them. Some of them old gangsters are quite fat there. The Dons.

Yeah, all right. We'll do one more. I don't think we're topping Michael Partley's penis. This is from Jack Leary. Celebrity encounter. I was in Baccaro last Friday and Adam rowe was there having a meal i went to the toilet just before we left and adam had just been in the

cubicle and left a huge shit in the toilet thanks for that by the way this weird celebrity encounters this is the second one about adam now no i don't believe it nah also left this shit in the toilet you'd have flushed it i hope in a public toilet. You'd have flushed it, I hope, in a public fucking restroom. I would have flushed it. I think I did do a big power muck. Well done. Don't get me wrong, Carl.

If I'm not flushing one, it's going to be in a public restroom. Oh, really? Well, I'm not going to leave it. I did not flush it, by the way. What he means is I've had a shite and he's walked straight in after me and been punched in the face by it.

Yeah, the Americans have got that right, man, with the little tap, tap, tap footy thing. The footy flush. Yeah. That's well better. I don't want to touch it. American toilets are too low, and the water's too high. It scares me.

Yes. The shit floats around. You bollocks don't touch the water. Not into it. That is a bugbear of mine, though, is like, he might have inherited it. Like, if you, you know, when you go in a public toilet, it doesn't matter what state it's in.

As soon as you go in it. It's your responsibility. It's your responsibility. You can't go out and go, oh, that was probably people, two people before me. I have cleaned, I am not messing around, in a fucking coffee shop where where it's one one toilet for everyone man woman child the disabled it that's that's that you know what i mean and there's

you know there's people waiting and you walk in and there's fucking piss on the seat i will get toilet paper out and i will dry it because i cannot be the person who's like are you dirty cunt yeah yeah you you end up working in Nero because you'd rather that than someone think that you've like pissed on the floor. I don't want to do it. But I cannot walk out and be like, yeah, there's piss everywhere.

It's not me. Especially if it's disabled out there. Do you know what I meant? It's the disabled toilet. I just, I pluralized it really badly. I pluralized it terribly. No, we knew what you meant. I know we knew what I meant.

That little S is just the... If it gets clipped out, I'm fucked, but it's fine. No, you're not. Nah, it's fine. Just say you meant you were talking French. Is he an F1 fan? It was the late toilet. Should we do some other words?

After I just piss everywhere? Cockhouse in time? The disabled toilet is the biggest toilet to run around in, ironically. Space for the chair car, isn't it? Johnny Graham says... These are have a words. Write in to haveawordpod at gmail.com

and if you want them to get through to Harry Robinson quicker, sign up to Patreon, patreon.com slash haveawordpod. The biggest Patreon in the UK. Johnny Graham says, patreon.com slash have a word pod. The biggest patron in the UK. Johnny Graham says, Hey, let's have a word with my mate, Joe. We work in our local pub and whenever we are clearing or scrapping plates for the pot washers, he eats the fucking food off the plate.

It's absolutely vile. The manager has had countless conversations about this with him and it needs to be stopped. Kind regards. And that's from Johnny Graham. He's disgusting, but I don't know who the fucking manager thinks he is getting involved with that yeah you can't eat leftovers who are you to tell me that pay me more so i can afford better dinners then i had a mate who worked in there and she used to so if someone left like half a steak she'd just

cut where they were cutting yeah and then that's a new steak, isn't it? Yeah. Hang on, who's the victim here? If he doesn't give a fuck about like disease or germs, no one's, he's not, he's not, he's not,

if you're eating it on the way out, yeah, that's bang out of order, isn't it? Yeah, if you're walking past and taking a chip,

you'll get back to the kitchen before you start. Once it's come back into the kitchen, if he's a big lad and he's hungry, I don't know.

What about John? Cause a bowler. He had the last of someone's salmon big lad and he's hungry i don't know about john cause a bowler he had the last of someone's salmon well couldn't you get herpes from a fucking garlic bread if they had herpes yeah so i'm saying if they've been munching it and you have it's a past isn't it on doesn't the garlic isn't it isn't herpes like vampires like doesn't the garlic like yeah just like dissolves the hurt that sounds like an african president don't worry about it just dissolves the herb. That sounds like an African president. Don't worry about it. Garlic dissolves it.

It's fine. You can't get herpes. That's what I told every one of my girlfriends. But he is right. This guy is obviously underpaid because kitchen porters aren't paid a lot of money. Yeah. So he must be, you know.

Also, I think he's a greedy fat fuck. So I think there's that as well. Maybe he is. You know, you're taking, you might be right. No, no, no, no. I get it. But he might just be a greedy fuck who likes eating. But I still, either case, who's he harming?

What's the problem? What's the restaurant as well? Because if like, if it's like an upscale restaurant and like that, that might be the only like 50 pound fillet steak that that guy might ever see. But if it's like Nando's and he's like, just finishing the wings and that, that's different. But if it's like Nando's and he's like just finishing the wings and that, that's different.

But if it's like posh food that you will never be able to pay for or want to go and find dining. A little bit of salmon mousse or like squirrel foam or whatever it is. You know when you go to a restaurant and it's busy and you're absolutely starving

and your food hasn't come yet and there's a table next to you who've already gone and you've seen them leave and they're not in that bad of shape, there is a little bit of me who'd go, I'd have a bit of that. Wow.

When I'm hungry enough. Wow. I'm not arsed. I'm not arsed. It doesn't, when people are like, that is disgusting. That's more metal than this.

No, it's exactly the same thing. In terms of the journey. No, hang on, hang on. I've never done it, but I get the instinct of like, I don't find it that appalling so is is this weird because i felt like doing it a few times and i've nearly done it but i've never done it so say i order because i'm i'm a greedy fat fuck and i like to taste food more

than i want to eat it so for example i'll like order four sides because I want one onion ring, I want a little bit of garlic bread. Do you know what I mean? Like, I want one chicken finger. I'm that guy. So I've done it where I've ordered loads more food and I've hardly touched it. And then as I was leaving, I felt like going to the table,

hey, do you want these onion rings? That's different, though. No, but I feel weird doing that. I feel like someone would go, oh, no, I don't want your onion rings. I wouldn't even say it because you'd expect the reaction that everyone's just given me. Yeah.

But if, by the way, I've been for lunch with you, it is great fun because when you're the other person on the table, you're like, cool, well I'll have one of each of these things as well. But I don't think it's that gross. I know you'd be like,

oh, it's disgusting, Dan. I couldn't give a fuck. I don't think it's disgusting. I'd just be like, what the fuck is he doing? Wait, just wait yeah do you need a pouch

to have your dinner I'm not asked about this kid yeah free starter innit this is fine this is totally fine absolutely I mean it's a bit hanky but I just don't think

anyone should be telling what to do you can't judge him you don't know what his circumstance is walk a mile in his shoes yeah KP's shoes stink as well

sounds like shit uh one more and then we'll get out of here nikki says hi there lids lady patron here not sure if you need to have a word with me for being a miserable bastard or the people i'm writing about people use communal areas as if they are in their own home this is especially true at our local leisure center where you're trying to relax in the steam room after a workout. For example, a couple of ladies nattering about their kids' work mundane bullshit.

And then a guy comes in and he's brought his own essential oil bottle, dropped it in the steam outlet without checking whether everyone likes fucking tea tree and the gym bro who brings in a handful of ice from the machine outside and whacks it against the steam outlet. To be fair, I am menopausal, but I've started my Zen spiritual journey recently. a handful of ice from the machine outside and wax it against the steam outlet.

To be fair, I am menopausal, but I've started my Zen spiritual journey recently. I'm trying to practice tolerance, but when my 15 minutes of steam meditation time is blighted by these knob jockeys, I could easily engage dropkick mode, probably knacking my hip in the process. Keep up the good work, gents. And that's from Nikki in Cheshire.

I think it's the first man rule. First one in gets to do whatever they want to it and everyone else has to adhere to whatever they've done to it until the first person leaves if i'm in the steam room i can put all my oils and ice and everything on do whatever i want if you come in you don't alter it until i've gone but that's the opposite about what you said about the toilet what do you mean well that's first man rule you go in the public toilet do whatever the fuck you want to, and then you have to go in and deal with it. Yeah, but I think there's a big difference between putting a bit of Vaseline...

He shits in the steam room, then. Yeah, he's shitting all over the steam room. And do you know what? By the way, a fella used to shave in the steam room. Oh, I've seen it loads, like, in the sauna. I saw it two weeks ago. That used to... I'd be like, lad, come on.

Just because you're sweating, he's a proper bald dude, the one that, like, bicks the red. Oh, you're sweating is a proper bald dude. The one that like bicks the red. The fella shaves his beard. And he's just in there. And like, you almost can't question it. Cause he just, he's like, I've been doing this for years. Just quite slowly, just like pulling the rays around his.

That's first man, really. It's been over years. Mate, I don't know. Is it gross? I kind of enjoy the... That is. It's like brushing your teeth in there as well. I couldn't give a fuck.

Right, hang on. So on your theory, you go in, there's no one in there. You stick your little tea tree oil, a little bit of scent of vanilla. I don't know what you stick in there. A bit of ice. And it's all steamy and scenty and it's lovely. Someone comes in after you and goes, all right.

And then you go, yeah, a little bit more tea tree or is it you just run it because you when you did it no one was there are you saying you get free reign to do it whenever it's mine nah hang on so three more people come in there's 15 minutes gone by and you don't go hey everyone into tea tree and vanilla do you just do it and if someone goes do you mind you go hey bagsy i shotgun this fucking steam room i was here before you i mean you cunts came in at 10 to 2 but here since half one is that is that the theory where does it stop as well like you start you take your fucking george foreman to the bus stop and like oh there's no one else at the bus stop i'll start knocking up a fry that's not a reasonable thing to do dann Danny, is it? But it's like people, have you seen people ironing on trains?

No. Wow. Yeah, on their way to meetings and stuff. It says nobody can use irons on the bus. That's why. Is that for them? That's why, yeah, because... Why?

There was an epidemic at one point. But they wouldn't have put it... You couldn't move for pandas. No, but they wouldn't have put it normally. You wouldn't go, hey, when you do them sockets, make sure you put no microwave in. That's happened because someone's done it. Some prick has eaten silica gel and they've gone, right,

you're going to have to write do not eat on that now. That's what it is. It's true, it's true. Until someone uses an active fry on a train, you don't need to put a side. Exactly, exactly. No fucking ninjas. So you can still do it.

Separate warning. Yeah, but there's a difference. Mobiles and laptops only. And no ninjas as well. Put that sword away. Take your mask off. Oh, people are bad in the sauna. I love the sauna.

It's meant to be relaxing. In the steam room, if I've already put my oils on and then they come in and then 10 minutes later I put a bit more oil on and they go, what are you doing?

I'd go, the fuck are you moaning about this stupid old cunt? You've been breathing it in since you come in and already added on it. This is mine until I want it no more.

Go and get your own steam room. The best game in the steam room, I've told you, is beating the man who came in after you. Yeah. You come in two minutes later, I will suffocate in here before I leave before you. I will make you

feel like less of a man. I came in before you and you're leaving now. The second he goes, I'm gone though. I will try and play that game with everyone at Total Fitness apart from the one conspiracy theory dude who I've been in the sauna with twice in the last four weeks. He is a fucking nightmare. He's never

chatted directly to me, but whoever he's bending the ear off, he talks the biggest load of shit and I cannot try and beat him because I can't last his ball. I would pay extra at the gym to have a steam room, a sauna sorry, that just has no talking. I would love a silent sauna.

Last time, I was like, just ignore him, just ignore him. He was talking about Trump winning the election. And then he went, yeah, and you know, obviously it's all going to kick off here. The government are going to take control. And that's why you see all these immigrants doing jobs like, you know, traffic warden, because they're basically employing foreign immigrants

and giving them power so that when it all kicks off and the government take control, they'll give... He went, he went. They'll give them guns. They'll give them guns and they'll be able to rape, murder and, you know, take over. And they won't have any connections to the locals. And I went...

The most mental conspiracy. It thinks that people are working for the government on like as traffic wardens they're preparing us for the government takeover you can't employ locals they won't do the work of the overlords mental i'm out the fucking sauna is so i don't i'll take tea tree all over batshit conspiracy any day. Maybe he wants control of the sauna. And he's like, ha ha, no beds. And then puts tea tree and goes, he he he. Oh, he's so bad. Do you hear Dan got shot?

What happened? Single yeller before six. And you know what the annoying thing is? The really annoying thing is, I had seen a Chinese traffic ward in the week before. What? Why is that annoying? Because in my head I was like, I sort of know what he means.

But I don't want to concede the point in chester no in manchester oh right i was gonna say that's mad in chester i believe him chester's the whitest it's the whitest place on earth yeah yeah yeah apart from spanish children what i mean like they're the only you know when people like what's the ethnic minority of like the city chester it's basically french italian and spanish children on a school trip spanish children i thought you when you said spanish i thought you were going to talk about like a district like spanish harlem apart from spanish who the spanish quarter and that's weirdly the whitest place on it there's no hispanic kids no oh my god danny tell everyone where they can find you on the internet and if you've got anything you want to plug

I'm on Instagram Danny MC Comedy that's it really I've got a little podcast coming soon I think maybe not but just follow me on there and you'll find it

what's the most huge sentence about it I think it is it'll be good as well but yeah some new things are coming human eye emoji that's it that was coming uh human eye emoji oh that's it that was me doing my eye emoji uh i'm on tour adam rollercoaster uk four slash so he's doing his um dan nightingale and fiend shows dan nightingale.com and finn is someone gonna sing us

a lovely little song i'm on tour forgot that uh that. That was a big one. I've got two tour shows left, one at Hot Water in April and one in Belfast in April, and I'd like to sell some tickets. Go and see Danny. He smashes. Tickets on your Instagram? No, tickets on their websites.

Okay. So Hot Water and what's the Belfast venue? It's the Limelight. The Limelight, yeah. I'm just going to ask mine in comedy. This is a band that we me and Danny

know these guys from Chester Campfire Social I bumped into Tom from Campfire Social they are great guys Campfire Social and this is

Fiddlin' With Pigs that is one of their best tracks it's called Swim Swam Swam yeah I prefer Fiddlin' With Pigs it's the B side

hey can I just say these two slagging off every band that put a submission in is sound until you know the people. You're about to mention, I've got going, lad, you call my band, there's all this shit, it's great.

And I go, lad, I'm so sorry. You love it, don't you? Fiddling with pigs. And this is fiddling with pigs. Just play the fucking song. Hello, we are Campfire Social. This is Swim, Swam, Swum. Goes out to Fid.

See you, everyone. On a sun-drenched beach I baptise myself And give myself completely to the sea I'm not. I'll be shining, screaming and all the world lies underneath I'm nothing more I'm nothing less, I'm nothing guitar solo I do not exist I'm just a memory of something

You thought was important to wash it away Like everything does all the time Now it's your turn On the precipice Everyone calls out for something When you think that it's ending We never believe in anything Till it's your turn Now it's ending Will you never believe in anything Till it's your time

Now it's your time I'm nothing more And nothing lasts on nothing So let the broken hearted say On what it loves and what it needs Nothing. So let the broken hearted say. On what they've lost and what it means to them. It means everything. Everything means nothing.

So cut the loose and let the helpless fall. Keep them lifted. When nothing hurts, there left I wanna get your baby I want nothing more I want nothing more I want nothing more I'm nothing more I'm nothing, I'm nothing

I'm nothing, nothing I'm nothing, nothing I'm laughing, laughing I'm laughing you