Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #269 with Jeff Innocent - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: March 25, 2024

Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan Nightingale & Fiends Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.ukComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsCheck out Finn's music: https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20Supreme CBD | https://supremecbd.ukStress less and sleep better with Supreme CBD using code WORD40 at checkout to get 40% off sitewideFüm | https://tryfum.co.ukHead to tryfum.com/HAVEAWORD and use code HAVEAWORD to save an additional 10% off your order today.BetterHelp | https://betterhelp.com/word10Get 10% off your first month!NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Become one of the lids:https://patreon.com/haveawordpodTickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comFind us everywhere:https://haveaword.pageDiscord:https://discord.gg/haveawordpodFollow the podcast, our hosts and our guest on social media:Have A Wordhttps://facebook.com/haveawordpodhttps://twitter.com/haveawordpodhttps://instagram.com/haveawordpodAdam Rowehttps://facebook.com/adamrowecomedianhttps://twitter.com/adamrowecomedyhttps://instagram.com/adamrowecomedianDan Nightingalehttps://facebook.com/danhasapodcasthttps://twitter.com/danhasapodcasthttps://instagram.com/danhasapodcastJeff Innocenthttps://twitter.com/innocentjeffhttps://instagram.com/jeffinnocentofficialADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening, lads? Just before we kick this week's episode off, just to remind you, my tour runs all the way through until the end of May, and I've still got some really big shows coming up, including Cardiff, Blackpool, Leeds, Huddersfield, York, and of course, Liverpool at the M&S Bank Arena. They're not the only dates, though.

Go and check them all out. Full listings at adamrowe.co.uk forward slash tour and help bring home the biggest tour I've ever done. It's been an absolute dream, and I'm so excited for the rest of the schedule Dan?

If you want to see me live this year dannightingale.com I'm doing Dan Nightingale and Fiend shows all around the country they go from March right through to November

some of my very funny mates and me on stage you're going to enjoy it it's going to be mayhem dannightingale.com for those but we've got to tell you before we start

today's episode about our Patreon the biggest Patreon in the uk one of the biggest in the world for a fucking reason patreon.com slash have a weird pod options to sign up for three five or ten quid but even if you just take the three quid option you get all the bonus content we put out and that includes early access to these public episodes a bonus episode every single week and access to the specials where we release one a month and they could be absolutely anything. We took the whole team to Nashville and we filmed all that. That was a full three

part. We've been to Amsterdam, we've done ghost hunts, we've done lock-ins in here where we've got Rotten Drunk and the entire back catalogue of all of that. You get all of it immediately when you sign up at patreon.com slash have a word pod. If you love this podcast, you will love being a patron.

People don't leave once they start. It's the best place to be. You get the best content. You get the naughtiest content. Those patron exclusive every week. They've been naughty. Patreon.com slash have a word pod. Also, enjoy the episode.

Like the video as well and subscribe and ring the bell and all that. Helps us. Cushion on. Get on me. You know what I mean? Wag wag leads. You're listening to the funniest podcast in the game

from the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only Have A Word.

Brought to you by Manscaped. The very best products on the market for below the waist grooming. Go, Ed. Get on me.

Skeleton Squad. It is. Is it? Finn's not here. Will's not here. Matthew's not here. Jimmy Schmaden's not here. Jimmy Schmaden's not here.

There's no one here. No one knows who Jimmy Schmaden is. Is it? Fuck these two cunts off. Let's get back to Runcorn. Yeah. I watched them. No, thank you.

On my YouTube, it pops up recommendations for videos and a lot of it's us. One of them was the highlight of the day was the highlight from the last day in Runcorn. Us saying bye. You didn't give a fuck. It was emotional to watch though.

It was important for the podcast, wasn't it? That was massive. To think how i remember the conversation in coming out of that first lockdown where me and adam were like we're going to do this and how much can we commit a month and it was like i look back now and it wasn't a lot but at the time you're like this is a big commitment do you think we can do it how much we're going to spend on the refurb is like it like, it might be 1500 quid. You're like, let's take the risk. I lied to Laura and said it would be less.

And now, does she know yet? Have you told her? Yeah, I don't think she's asked. No, we employ like 15 people. Yeah. She still thinks we work in Runcorn.

Just me, you and Matt. She still thinks it's one a week. Who's moving that camera? Could be anyone. So yeah, it's a bit big on now. I don't think I could

go back to Runcorn no I don't want to go back more than three in the room was a busy room yeah it was Jimmy Carr wasn't it

Jimmy Carr was the point where we went right we need a better studio it's where you went yeah because you walked you were already there and he was never going to not want to move to Liverpool

and Jimmy Carr left the room and you went yeah we've got to move to Liverpool we can't never going to not want to move to Liverpool and Jimmy Carr left the room and you went yeah we've got to move to Liverpool haven't we we can't be having people like that come to this yeah that was a one how's your week going really good babe you know really good are you banging the gym aren't you

I'm not good at it though in the arse I think I need testosterone I don't know. I need something. I just go and I do the two things that I like to do. Come to the gym with me. I'd love to go to the gym with you.

Oh, let's be little gym... Buddies. Buddies. Oh, that'd be nice. Gym gays. Yes. Come to the gym with me. We'll fucking pump iron together.

Me and Jack are going to be gym gays. We've signed up to David Lloyd. Oh, nice, mate. God, it's all changed around here isn't it it's a massive gym and you get access to the spa indoor pool and outdoors it isn't a massive gym i've literally been a member of it it's quite a poo gym the spa and the sauna the lessons all great the actual gym i have poo well as long as there's some weights that i can lift you can you can do a workout with your body weight at home carl i just need to be surrounded by like-minded people chasing a similar goal.

Or buttons to cycle around. No, it's right. It's spot on. Yeah. It's spot on. That's why I got through, or nearly got through that half marathon. Because everyone else, I was like,

these are all gimps. I'll beat them. And I need to be now taking that into the gym. I texted my personal trainer. I was like, look, that half marathon was a bit of a wake-up call. it's time to get in the shape of my life yeah it's like i need a nutrition plan yeah yeah i need a nutrition plan and i need like to start adding some resistance training in oh on top of my cardio you've got to feel the pump i can't run just yet because i feel

like i've been kickboxing my stomach. Not like my bum stomach, but like my normal stomach. The muscles. Hang on, what? Yeah. Not your pooey, pooey stomach? No. You're like your sit-up stomach. That's not been great for a couple of days anyway, and I don't know there's something going on with

how I'm eating, but I just feel quite a lot of pain still. Anything to do with the 15 pints of Guinness in the big bowl? No? I don't have that anyway.

I have that every weekend and I'm always, you never hear me complain, do you? And that's what, if you're a Scouts athlete, that's what you eat, isn't it?

That's what you have. You finish a half marathon, 15 pints, big bowl, standard. One more pint, then I'm... One more pint,

got to go back for a pint. You forgot there are like seven gallons of water in between. Oh, God. And that offsets all the Guinness. Yeah. Water's done. Your body doesn't know what it is.

That's how it works. So this is it. I had three pints of Guinness yesterday as well. Yeah, apart from that. But that's like a warm down, isn't it? You don't just go to the pub and drink 15 pints and then another pint. That's dangerous. So just not drink for a few days.

What is he, fucking stupid? You've got to have your warm down pints. Three pints. Smart. He knows how to do it. It's healthy. He's spoken to a doctor who was imaginary,

but that's not the point. Keep drinking, Adam. You're doing well. Yeah, like-minded people. It's brilliant. Have you been reading the pamphlet or something? You just need to be surrounded by other athletes to be like,

you're gimps, I'm beating you. It's not actually as communal as you're making it seem. Because what you're saying is- I'm competitive. Yeah. And I'm so much better than meself now that I have to look at other people. Because I know I can beat previous me.

Who are you? Which previous you are you? Are you, is it like- Last week. Right. All right. Are you? Is it like last week? Right. All right. But I'm always better than last week because I've done more. Beat your last session.

So it's never like, am I going to be able to beat me last session? Because I am. I just will. I'm better than last week because I've ran more. I'm just better than... Every day I improve as a person and an athlete. So I need someone else to compete with. So now I need to go and compete with people

who on the face of it, to the naked eye, you would go, they're better than Adam. Nah. They've got bigger muscles, nicer bums. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? I don't even look. And I need to go and take sort of competition from them.

You need to go to the Olympics. It's just a natural progression, isn't it? You know? Because then you can get to the Olympics and you're like, you gimps. I'm fucking better than you. I was genuinely thinking. Right.

There we go. What would be the easiest Olympic sport for me to sort of wear me way into? Finn, can you search what's... Whoa. Finn's airy. That's Harry. Finn's having a beer production. The easiest

Olympic sport? Rhythmic gymnastics. Footy? Or footy? No. Equestrian? You're not even doing half the work there. That's a horse. And footy would be good because there's only three over 23s allowed in the squad and you're naturally going to make that cut

fencing paint me yeah rhythmic gymnastics surely like shot put huh but you've got to be huge

for shot put oh mate no he doesn't have to win he just has to get into it that's what the shot putters want you to think yeah have you ever seen the woman who qualified for the winter olympics and she Oh, mate. No, he doesn't have to win. He just has to get into it. That's what the shot putters want you to think.

Yeah. Have you ever seen the woman who qualified for the Winter Olympics and she just wanted to go to the Olympics, but she wasn't very good? Fiona Bruce. She just hosted. So the Winter Olympics, like, via the Colombian team and did the downslope skiing, but just, like, made sure she didn't fall off

because she didn't fall off in all of the qualifying she got to the olympics then went to the olympics and didn't fall off and finished like last because there's no columbian skiing team of course you get disqualified if you fall off so what a britain shit at what can i get in i'd i'd trains go on the olympic trains the olympic trains in this country is shit aren't they it's not an olymp it's a car oh yeah oh right did you know that yeah you did that on purpose did you

what are we shit on it was lovely political commentary though edgy erm something snowy bobsled I think winter Olympics

I think I can see you going fast downhill I think maybe that was the problem with the half marathon it was all on the same same going downhill fast yeah yeah yeah get you on ice

bobsled bobsled bobsled or skeleton have you ever thought about Jamaican that'd be amazing and we could do

the cool running patron special I don't think you qualify for Olympic teams by just thinking of yourself as national native oh wow you bigot

it's 2024 you can identify as Jamaican if you want probably that'd be sick wouldn't it I'm Jamaican now.

Holly Willoughby, fucking driving it. I think winter. I think it's also easier to juice and cheat at the Winter Olympics. Hello, Russia. I don't want to juice and cheat. I want to get in the British Olympic team on merit. Oh, sorry.

I just naturally assumed you were cheating. No. Oh, you're doing it genuinely. I'm wondering if there's a... What's the easiest sport to access? Yeah. How can you get in the Olympics? Is darts in the Olympics?

No. Now, I'm shite at darts, right? Yeah. So I don't think... But like, that would be for most people, I think, if you practice long enough.

What about the horse? You've got a bit of money buy one of them fucking dancing horses horses yeah buy a dancing horse yes mate we can buy a dancing horse but let's get back to this olympics thing okay i can see you on it what do the riders even do on that exactly it's all about the horse it's just about the money you spend it's about no it's about sort of you've got to whisper to the horse and tell them what to do. Do the moonwalk.

Threaten the horse. Up until now, they've just been whispering, going, please, please, Tabitha, let's dance and win it. They're all Tories, aren't they? Tabitha the horse. Tabitha, come on,

let's win a gold and make mama and papa very proud. But that different, first scouse ever fucking dressage. You fuck, I love you made of glue, lad. You'll be in a fucking pritt stick by Wednesday. Get fucking dancing. The horse is doing backflips.

Did he salute? The horse has got the cognition to know what a pritt stick is. I don't want to be a pritt stick. Fuck that. As if there's better kinds of glue to be as well pva i'm not a pritt stick what uh do it on a donkey do you have to have a horse yeah it would look so much more working class if you had a dancing just a big dog what just put a saddle on, Perry. Yeah. See what happens.

I think that's the way to go. You know? I just, I need, I've realized that I don't really sort of commit to stuff unless I've got a goal. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Like I've,

I've done all this running because I knew I had to run a half marathon and then a marathon. I wouldn't have, like there's been days where I've gone for the 10K run where a marathon. I wouldn't have, like, there's been days where I've gone for the 10K run, where I've been on the couch going, the last thing I want to do is go for the run. But I knew I had to because I had to do that. So I need, like, a target for me to get in proper shape.

If you're not a Patreon member, what are you doing? Patreon.com slash have a word pod. Adam ran a half marathon at the weekend and did really well for about three quarters of it. Then it got a bit more difficult. No, no, no, no, no. And you slowed a little bit. It was a bit more painful.

No, no, no, no. Last quarter of a mile. Quarter of a kilometer. Last quarter of a kilometer. Sort of blacked out, fell over, and then went delirious. I didn't black out. Blacked up.

Blacked him. Blacked him. you the thing is you fell over and you can't remember falling over so forgive me for using the phrase no that's not really true no no it is what you said though yeah but i was like oh god yeah i didn't black up or black out no i didn't black out that's out. No, I didn't black out. That's the wrong... Yeah. It's hard to articulate what, like, my memory's like with it.

Yeah, because you can't remember anything from that moment. No, no, no, no, no. Like a blackout. No, I'm saying it wrong. You're misrepresenting the street. No, I didn't black out and fall over. I was unconscious and gravity got the better of me. Very different, Dan.

You're not an athlete. Pathetic. My different, Dan. You're not an athlete. Pathetic. My legs gave in. My legs gave in. But you can't remember really that happening? No, but I can now. Oh, it's cool. They've seen videos of it.

No, but genuinely, I have started to remember more of it. Right. And they are... Okay, cool. Like, I remember one of my ear pods coming out now. Right. As I was running around, I ran around the Miller and Carter on Otterspool,

and one of my AirPods come out, and I had to fucking go three yards back and pick that up. Ooh, stop your momentum. That could have really fucked him. That, yeah. It did? Yeah. But it did, though.

Yeah. You didn't black out? I didn't. Fall over. I did fall over. Yeah, you did fall over and weren't sure what happened for a while. Yeah. You didn't black out. I didn't. Fall over. I did fall over. Yeah, you did fall over and weren't sure what happened for a while. Yeah.

But I didn't black out. I've seen the video of you crossing the line. It looks like you've had ketamine. Yeah. You're like, whoa. It looks like, as a pill head, it made me want to try half marathons just to see if I could get that buzz.

Yeah. But you didn't black out is what I'm saying. I didn't black out. I didn't. But now you know you need that target. So Olympic gold dressage. The Liverpool half marathon next year, I want to run it in an hour and a half and not black out or fall over. There's your goal.

Yeah. Yeah, but that's just like... You'll do that tomorrow if you want to. Can I just suggest? 20 pints of Guinness, two big bowls, three pints of Guinness. I can't wait to run once. I'm taking it seriously. Yeah.

Join David Lloyd. I'm looking forward to just having those days where I just go and do three hours in the gym and then have a swim, you know? Three hours? That was me yesterday. Three hours?

Well, an hour and a half of it was scrolling, but you've got to have that rest period, don't you? Three hours in the gym? How long are you doing in the gym? An hour, but we're just...

Oh, an hour? But we're just... Like, there's no phones. Yeah, but I drink Guinness while I'm in the gym. Athlete. I've learned from it. You don't sit next to an athlete

and not fucking pick up a few things. Osmosis, isn't it? It's going over. Osmosis? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. No, we're doing... I do...

Oh, maybe an hour, but like... You're not going to get anywhere there, kid. What? You're not going to get anywhere there, kid. What? You're not going to get absolutely anywhere. An hour's the warm-up. Waste of time. No, I do a warm-up. There was a woman swimming in front...

Who swam in front of me yesterday. I was in the medium speed swimming. It was really quiet. Oh, you were in a pool? It's Tuesday afternoon. She wasn't just mental. Right? What do we do?

She was in the quiet bit with some old people, not long to live. They're just swimming out the last few moments. That's fine. She was in there. I had noticed her.

I told Laura. She's very attractive. An attractive woman. Why did you tell Laura? I don't know. Because I told her the story. I needed to give full disclosure. Also,

and this is where you're going wrong with Seneca. You don't make Seneca jealous enough. He likes to constantly plant the image in Laura's head. Yeah, I was at the gym today, a young lady across from me doing this, Laura. You know, and I was like, I don't know, is she hungry?

Does she want a brew? Was Laura there with you? No. Or did you just text her? So I'm in the quiet bit. I told her the story when we got back. I'm in the middle bit. It's all quiet.

She decides that the fucking 92-year-olds in the slow lane are going too fast. She's wearing quite a small bikini type thing. I am having a little drink of water. I'm having a little break between laps, between fucking lengths, yeah? Go on. You drink the water.

You're drinking water while you're in the pool? I take water and put it on the side of the pool for when I just fancy a bit of water. I've never seen any other human being in the history of humans do that. Oh, you should come down to Total Fitness Chester. Total Fishness? Total Fishness. There's a load of fish doing it.

Trying to be a fish, aren't you? There's loads of... It's a done thing. When it comes to Total Fishness today, we're going to learn how to be whales. I turned around and she'd moved into the middle lane and set off in front of me. She wasn't...

So I started swimming. I was one yard from her bumhole. Why? Instantly. She was just right... Like, I genuinely hadn't seen it. And she was swimming. I swam there for a bit.

I've never felt pervy and I honestly wasn't trying. I was just swimming natural in a tiny little fucking thing and i was like i'm gonna feel like i'm gonna get caught so i let her go ahead and then i sort of ended my length early and sort of turned around i just couldn't do it you're gonna swim over there is that that's that's bad form in it no it's like an overtake i think the overtake's eggy you know sometimes instead Sometimes, instead of doing the overtake, I sort of just loop round and start the back length. I think that's eggy, yeah. Is it?

Yeah. Swim under them. I swear, it was all gooch every time. Not just the mosey-mosey arse cheeks. She obviously wanted it. It was all gooch. Women haven't got gooch. Was it a fella?

Women haven't got gooch? Women don't have a gooch. What are you talking about? They don't have a gooch. What are you talking about? They don't have a gooch? No, they don't. They just have a hole between the pussy and the arsehole. That's the lady gooch. No, it's not.

Gooch has to have a significant amount of distance. No, you don't know gooch. Gooch is an inch, two inches at least. A two-inch gooch? But this is a centimetre gooch. It's still the bit between the fucking it's not a Gucci you can't spin a Beyblade on it wow

it's difficult to argue with that I honestly think she wanted me to spin a Beyblade on it she was giving off that vibe spin a Beyblade on my Gucci that's why I'm

swimming with you if you can't spin a Beyblade on it it's not a'm swimming out of here if you can't spin a beyblade on it it's not a gooch women you could not if you span a beyblade anywhere near a woman's

gooch it would go in her pussy on her arsehole yeah the nicest of women is that on the is that on the packet as a warning

just to let you know kids don't spin this on what you're perceiving as a lady's gooch women don't have goochies though no there's a little bit it's gooch eye isn't it there's a're perceiving as a lady's gooch. Women don't have goochies, though. No? There's a little bit. It's gooch eye, isn't it?

There's a little, but there's a, there's a, there's a, I mean, if there's nothing there at all, it's just the omni-hole and that can't be healthy. Oh. Yeah. But I think the plural of gooch is gooch eye. Gooch. Gooch.

Get your gooch on your face, girls. Well, I had to move move I had to move lanes to just be I felt like a sex best like Rick Ross why didn't you just tell her to move I'd be like

why are you coming over from the slow lane with your tiny tiny fucking thong on to then swim slower in the middle lane she was sending signals and you were not

picking up here sir she was why are you topless what's that beyblade doing there you're being too slow move popping up here, so. She was bollocking me. Why are you topless? What's that Beyblade doing there? You're being too slow. Move. That Beyblade shouldn't be there. Swimming solo, move.

It's like you've not even read the packet, love. Get the Beyblade off your non-gooch. Get it on mine. Have you ever used a Beyblade? Do you think I have? What is a Beyblade? What is a Beyblade? What's a Beyblade? Now now what i've got in my head is a fidget spinner but i know it's not it's not no no no basically

like a large it's an aggressive competitive spinning top oh like a yeah like a battle top yeah and your your aim them when did these come out when we were in little school yeah so what year like late 90s was that yeah yeah yeah I was having sex with girls

so our times have changed yeah now you're playing with playmates you've stopped fucking women I would honestly all good things come to an end

don't they you're fucking I'll get some Beyblades out full that made me sad that was funny but it made me sad things come to an end, don't they? You're fucking... I'll get some Beyblades out. Full... That made me sad. That was funny, but it made me sad. Go on, talk me through Beyblades.

You usually get an upturned bin lid. That's a classic Beyblade Emporium or Arena. And you start it with like a... It's like a fucking... It's like a big... Did you have to make that noise? You've got to say, let them rip. That was the catchphrase.

It's like a pull tab, and you do that, and then you spin. And the goal is to stop theirs spinning. Bruh, the technology was developed before the Beyblade. You mean it's got little teeth on it, and then you razz it? Yeah. What did I have that on? What had one of them on? Beyblades.

Oh, I've unlocked a memory. It's something from Thundercats. Something from Thundercats had a pull and then it went. July 99, they came out. Also, the cartoon on the telly of it. July? They made it like Pokemon. So everyone's Beyblade had a monster that came out of it and they would have a scrap but in real life that didn't happen no no

it's just two bits of plastic twatting around a bin lid yeah but that was enough that was enough so you you go hey lad join me in the amphitheater of death yeah i've got me nan's bin lid you overturn it if he beats, does he keep it? No. That was one of the rules, but you'd have to say before you started, I'll be playing for keeps. They were expensive as well.

By the way, I know you're going to fucking take the piss out of me. Same rules with marbles. Marbles. It was like, it was honestly with marbles. Conkers, Dan, yeah? Ball on a string. Marbles.

Can I have some of your ollies? Crazy bones, you'd play for keeps. Dead ferret. Crazy bones, yeah. So with marbles can I have some of your ollies crazy bones you'd play for keeps dead ferret crazy bones yeah so with marbles on the playground you would have your

you would have your like your big boy you'd have you'd almost have your weights you're like this is my like bantam weight almost and then you'd have your heavy weight

but when you go oh do you want a game you'd have to pre-decide like the boxing if it was for the title do you know what I mean? Like, if this was for keeps, is this an actual keeps? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we have a bit of spuffer there. Pressure. Is this for the title? Marbles? Even the teachers were like, these are fucking gimps, these kids.

Yeah, of course, all teachers think kids are gimps. But then the kickoff would be, I lost to you because you owe me marbles. And then they were like, no, I never agreed to that. Whoa. I didn't say it was for keeps. No, no, no, no. You've misunderstood.

I remember one kid, I swapped loads of footy stickers with him. So I had loads of swaps. I'd been to my nan and grandad's around my birthday and she'd give me like like, 50 quid. And I'd just gone and bought a box of stickers, so I just had, like, a lot of stickers. And I had loads of swaps. And he had, like, four shinies that, like, I wanted,

that I needed, that I didn't have. And I was like, I'll give you all of these. I'd like a chunk of stickers like that. I went, you can have all of them for'd like a chunk of stickers like that and you have all of them for them four shinies and he wouldn't let me say i went no i mean you can just have whatever's in my hand i just took them off my box like you just have all of them for them four shinies so so you you did a random grab yeah you didn't even look what was in it no oh that's so tempting isn't it like they were like four of like the last

10 i needed to fill the book so to me it's so tempting isn't it they were like four of the last ten I needed to fill the book so to me it was like this is worth it and to him it's almost like storage hunters

isn't it you're like what is in there but then we did the swap and I immediately put the four stickers in my book

because I was like I'm closing this negotiation he looked through what I'd given and regretted his move. And then was like, you've got to give me your book now.

Because he was like, well, you shouldn't have put them in your book before I looked through them. I was like, there was never an agreement that you were going to look through them. And he went to the teacher and was like, miss, this is what's happening.

And the teacher was like, yeah, you're a fucking stupid, come fuck off. That was Gary O'Leary. Teacher O'Leary. Mr. O'Leary. Yeah, fuckLeary. Mr. O'Leary. Yeah, fuck off. It's break time.

Get that fucking apple off there. I collected in 2010 when I lived with my mates Andy and Craig in Manchester. We got the Panini sticker album for the 2010 Vuvuzela World Cup, the South African World Cup. Not as fun when you earn 40 grand a year because you can just go in a shop and, you know, like from, like the people just get the whole thing.

And then we just, I basically nearly filled it. It's just not fun when you can spend 35 quid on a whole chunk of stickers. Why don't we this summer? Do the Euros one? We'll do the Euros,

but we'll put a limit on how much we can spend a week and see who can be the first to fill it. Right. Swaps. But listen, there has to be a real pinky fucking promise on that thing because there's a lot of expendable income knocking about

and I just think... If someone else does it and gives it to them, you know. I remember being at an after party because I was and gives me them you know i remember being an after party because i was on it at the time i remember being after party and randomly come some random dude oh he might have even been at ours we might have been having a bit of a party later on and this is late on and we've ended up talking about the world cup and i've gone i've mentioned that we're doing the fucking panini thing for the first time since we were kids.

And he was like, mate, so am I. It's mad. Like, it's the first time I've done it in ages, and I'm fucking one sticker off, and I will complete it. And then I was high. I was like, maybe I've got it. And I had it, and I cut it out of my thing and gave it to him. It's just the most amazing little, It must have been like six in the...

You cut out your book? Yeah, because some guy was like, oh, it's fucking... I'd already lost interest. We'd probably done like four-fifths of the... I don't want a gram for that. It's just a beautiful moment when I saw his eyes little. I mean, he was on Coke, but...

Who was it? I'm going to guess. I reckon it was... How does he then stick that in his book? I don't know. But at the time, it felt like... All you've done is ruin your book day. He didn't even get what he wanted.

That is a sad story. And that was him. I go around lying as well. I make people destroy their books. It was some random fucking South African benchwarmer that sounded... Why was he in your house? Sounded like a racial

fucking South African bench warmer he must have pritt sticked it in is that it's a hollow victory isn't it I wouldn't even want that

I wouldn't want that I would reject it he was on drugs and it was a genuinely lovely moment he might just have been trying to save my feelings

and got in the elevator and be like I wouldn't even want this. Why have you got an elevator in your house? What? We had a flat. Oh. I thought they had you there.

Yeah, yeah. Did you have a match of tax in school? It's a big house. We talked about this the other day. That was sort of towards the end of our cycle. I think I did it for like a year maybe and then was just like, this is not as good as stickers.

Me and my mate got match tax banned in our little school because we had about eight Kevin Nolans, like duplicate Kevin Nolans. There was always a player that they seemed to just, just to piss people off. Just, there was too many of them, weren't there? In the 2003 Premier League sticker book, that was Jason Ewell.

Done my head in. Wimbledon. Wimbledon's Jason Ewell. Charlton, I think. I was at Yule. Done my head in. Wimbledon. Wimbledon's Jason Yule. Charlton, I think. I was at both, but that would be Charlton. Wimbledon first.

Yeah. There'd always be a player where you're like, when someone would go, oh, what swaps have you got? Well, they're like, of course you've got Jason Yule. Everyone's got fucking 29 of them. How did you get a band in your school?

So we had about eight of them. And we were in year six, so we're like 11. And one of the year twos had 100 club Fernando Torres. And we convinced him that Kevin Nolan was the best player in the prep. And he swapped his 100 club Fernando Torres for eight Kevin Nolans. And then cried and then he got banned. Yeah, I think it's good.

Again, though, he is a gimp, isn't he? Yeah. He's a gimp. Oh, crap, I ate Kevin Nolan. Yeah, but there was an age difference in this one. Yeah. He's a gimp. I've got eight Kevin Nolans. Yeah, but there was an age difference in this one. Yeah, but who wins in a fight? Me versus the... No, eight Kevin Nolans or Fernando Torres.

Eight Kevin Nolans does some damage, mate. If you're playing like Pokemon with them, you've won, haven't you? But if you're playing footy stickers, then you've lost. Yeah, Etta's getting into it. She doesn't know who anyone is. Into footy?

Into the Panini swappables. Someone at school's got some i think she's asked um laura if she can have a packet and she's got like six and she's dead into it i mean i need to buy some today actually she'll be into it there's all kinds like you can buy them for like fucking like kitchenware these are the over a spoon right really do it for everything though yeah is that just adult life, collecting kitchenware? No, but I mean, like, they've got stickers for everything. Like, a cartoon's got, like, Dexter's Lab's got stickers and shit like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fucking rinse the kids. Everything's just being merchified. And subscriptionified. But also, subscribe to our Patreon. Yeah, but subscribe to our Patreon. Also, we've got stickers coming out. Have you seen what's happening in Walmart in America? Go out. Have you seen what's happening in Walmart in America? Go on.

Have you seen what's happening in Walmart in America? So they're doing a thing called Walmart Plus. It's $98 a year. And you now need that to use the self-service checkout. And they're getting rid of some of the self-service checkout because apparently big supermarkets have figured out that the reason they put self-service checkouts in was to save money on labor force because they were like well we can get rid of members of staff

but it's actually costing them more than it's saving them because so many people are stealing so they've figured out that the way to sort of recoup that is to take some of the self-service checkouts away and charge a subscription of 98 a year to be allowed to use them if you don't have that you'll have to go to a mandolin what the fuck do you know though no it it it sounds horrific now but i remember when amazon prime came out i was like who the fuck is giving these cunts like eight quid a month and now it's like it's the easily the best thing that I give money to just because of how much easier it makes. It's the same thing you never had before.

Yeah, I understand. But the way they just sort of, that's the first time that's been done and it sounds fucking horrific. But in five, six years, there's a chance that everyone's like, yeah, it's just what you do. I'd rather go to the woman.

If I can go to the person, I will always go. Yeah, but if there's a queue of loads of people and like, that's the thing, I would rather go to a woman. If I've got more than a basket,

I don't want to go to self-service. Or a man. But I would rather go to the person, but there's always a queue of fucking old people going, I don't know buttons. You know what I like. By the way, if there's a choice of a woman and a man as a till person in

a supermarket i'm going to the woman i'm telling you right now and this is might be the most actually offensive thing i've ever said on this podcast the women are always just sound older women they want an easier life and a nice job and the men are the thickest pieces of shit you've ever met in your life. They're just stupid. They're all, like, young, stupid men. And I'm not even having a go at them. They've found their calling, because they can go, boop, and it's fine.

And some people have to do that. And I'm not even, like, sort of trying to sort of talk down, but they're thick, and that's fine. Some people are stupid, and we need jobs for stupid people. But the women who work there aren't that. They're not. There's a Polish woman in the park road, Tesco, and she's fucking amazing.

If I can go to her, I will. I'll wait longer to go to her. All the women on the hills can hold a really long, interesting conversation. They'll chat to you and be like, are you all right, babe? What have you been up to? Have you been playing footy? No, you just got your shorts on.

Oh, yeah. What have you been up to? Like the chatty, the lads are just like, ugh, bag, one bag, give bag.

This woman. Wow. When I was buying. The missing link is on the tiller, Asda. I was buying Wallace's puppy pad, doing his puppy. I was buying two packs

and she went, do you know, you can get a big, two packs, two packs. You can get a big one for less. And I went, oh,

I've got all my stuff here. And I'll go, I'll run off the tiller when I got it for me in a busy Tesco went, oh, I've got all my stuff here and I'll go. I'm running off the till and I'm going to got it for me in a busy Tesco. Yeah, sometimes they've got some that just runs around

as the fixer. Carol on the till goes, hey, fucking Phil. And Phil goes, shit. Phil on the till. Phil on the till.

Only his two pack's not on the till. Like self-service when it goes, meh, it's not registering. And then you've got an energy drink, so someone needs to put the fucking little log in.

Oh, I hate it. Yeah, it is annoying. So you would rather go to a person, but I'd rather not kill. I'm not paying, though. If Tesco go to one in a year, I'm just shoving up your bottle. If Tupac's on the till, I will always go to them. I'll be like, well, hidden there. Who knew?

Everyone thinks you're dead. It says on his thing, though. You're working in Tesco. Tupac and underneath. Shh. Shh. Shackle. Tupac shackle.

And that, ladies and gents, is a section. Bye-bye. That was fucking good, that, wasn't it? It didn't have the s though, because it's a Rio. Rio. For the audio listeners, that was a can of Rio being opened. Hey, and for the audio listeners, I'm drinking can of Rio being opened. Hey, and for the audio listeners, I'm drinking the cola flavour

of Sneak that they've brought out, which is phenomenal. Use code WORD10. Is that right? You don't shut up about Sneak, do you? It's reinvigorated my love of the fucking Sneak. Mmm. Sneakers. Alright, Sneak.

This is really reinvigorating my love of this brand. No no mist I love that for when you're in the shop you walk around the go use code with yeah yeah yeah do that's we do some question Brad Jones says I wish I could explain sees what that does to me you know it's it's so I'm like a siren but now we've I've got a question because obviously you interrupted oh by the way

before we do some prep I thought you know I haven't really updated you when I went to therapy yesterday again oh what's going on is it

I think yesterday I took a defeat you know oh yeah oh god came out I found something out

about myself because every time i leave therapy i feel like i leave me leave knowing myself a bit better in a good way i'm like ah and yesterday uh i left feeling uh like i knew more about myself and understood myself better but you don't know what the fix is oh you've got some questions about yourself. Yeah. Yeah. Turns out I'm putting women on a pedestal. No. Are you?

Are you? Are they too high to go? I don't think that is the vibe of what... I think there's women that listen to this podcast that will not be convinced. Not all women. No, the women at Asda, they're on a different level. Stupid cunts. Fuck you.

Brother. This isn't a high pedestal, though. It's quite low. It's low, yeah. What? Don't talk about pedestals. Go on. Right, so who have you been putting on a pedestal?

Obviously, Amro. She was a phenomenal woman. Well, yeah. It all goes back to your parents, doesn't it? Yeah, I suppose so, yeah. I need women to put me on a pedestal whilst also I put them on a pedestal. And it creates this horrible imbalance

where we both need to be looking up at each other at the same time. It sounds like gladiators. Wow. I want a fucking wolf. You just need a pugilist. I just want a brown cat. I want a majesty real life.

I am on a pedestal. You're on a pedestal. Get a pugil stick and have a fight I've got fucking vertigo wow yeah look you've got to celebrate

your victories and your defeats I'm just letting you know I took a 2-1 loss yesterday wow right so what what do you mean

I know what we I know you've said what you but I don't know what you mean you're putting them on this pedestal you're just like it's expecting too much of them you put them on you worship them you worship them until they do

your edding yeah right and then they fall off so i'm like piece of shit so you need to be so this is what you're doing you're meeting girls and going fuck i really like you i think you're great that's the mistake you're making that's a pedestal you want to meet a birdie but you're bang average and you're slightly doing my tits in future wife and i'll be honest it's opened up a whole world of ladies you know oh yeah this is gonna be great get him off the pedestal and everyone's an option look at that woman scratching herself on the street corner she's an she's an option so is your pedestal the same height as theirs? We haven't got that far into the conversation. I was like, she wants a contracting job.

You need to build pedestals. You don't actually know a guy. No, she thinks it's a bad thing. I shouldn't be pedestaling. Oh, you shouldn't be? No. Because, like, when you put someone on a pedestal... We are sponsored by pedestals

use code word 10 when you put someone on a pedestal but they don't know the conditions with which they need to act within in order to stay on the pedestal they're up there going what am I doing up here I never asked to do this I hope then they fall off

where do I shit I need a shit and I'm on a pedestal. Yeah. As soon as a woman poos off a pedestal, you lose respect. Yeah. Yeah. You never want to see that. So what's the fix?

We haven't got one. I need to stop it. Stop liking women. I'm laughing myself to go and suck some cock. I'm gay. Give it a go. No, I'm not gay, but I need to be. Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But you put Jack on a pedestal, you see? I do, he's great. Yeah, he's great. And he's your mum. God, it's complicated, isn't it? I do get that, though. Stop giving high expectations, but not telling them what they are.

And then when you break them, go and get angry at them, because they don't even know what they've done wrong. I think a lot of them do know what they've done wrong. No, there's some of them, yeah. But you put Serica on a pedestal. I used her as an example yesterday. She thrives on that pedestal. You've got her on a pedestal

and she's got you on one, but yous haven't fell off because yous have done a very good job of communicating the conditions of your pedestals. All boundaries and stuff are very important. I've got Laura on a small step, you know, and she's never let me down because she's being naughty

she's on the naughty step ooh that's Ted you wanna do it you're being naughty sit there that's got that going there wah ah if she did that to me during sex

I know what go downstairs and sit on them while I watch the telly she does do that if she every time you try and fuck her

she does that Laura can we have sex no you're a dirty man go and sit on the naughty step you can't She does do that. Every time you try and fuck her, she does that. Can we have sex? No. You're a dirty man. Go and sit on the naughty step. You can't. No. That's me wanking at the bottom of the stairs, isn't it?

Would you like dirty man or dirty boy? Because dirty man sounds like a perv, doesn't it? Boy. Yeah. Dirty little four-year-old. No, don't specify that. Don't specify that. We've got a three-year-old okay do you

know what i mean we don't need that you're specifying too much dirty boy dirty boy dirty little child no too specific i don't know why you naughty toddler you dirty little key stage one i don't want it no dirty little biff chip and kepper reading yeah I don't want it. No. You dirty little biff chip and kipper reading cunt. Yeah. You know, some of it worked.

I heard biff and cunt. Put your kipper in me biff. Chip. That's mad, that. There's kids books with a fucking character that's basically named Pussy. Biff. He's not that easy. He's awesome and back in the future.

Yeah, exactly. And kipper could be cock, couldn't he? What? Put your kipper in me biff, Chip. That's an old song. No one's ever called a cock a kipper. No, but you could. You know what I mean?

You could do anything, Carl, yeah. If anything, a kipper's fishy. Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, girl, get your kipper out. And wash it. Is that your biff? Yeah, Naughty Boy. It's like your beard. Yeah, naughty boy.

Oh, sign me up. You've been a dirty little boy. Misbehaved. No. I don't want to be admonished. I want to be fucking... See me later. Yeah.

No, hang on. We're doing full role play. I just want to be called names. I don't want, like, okay, where have you been? You're late for class. I don't want that. You would love would love that no i can't do the role play i'll cringe right we're doing the register sex offenders like i'm not into it no no no if you just want random abuse no if you walked in laura was dressed as a teacher and she went where have you been you're late you would i'd be like babe we're in the kitchen what are you doing what are we doing

immediately just go it's time to fuck? Like, this is a role play. So I come home. This is unannounced. Yeah. The kids are at the boxing. The kids are at the boxing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Eddie Hearn's so good like that. He provides childcare. You know? That's what it's all about, isn't it? No, they're at the Premier Room with the mother-in-law. They're at the Premier Room with my mother-in-law They're at the premier room With my mother-in-law Getting ready for the boxing Hiya Jude

You alright? Yeah we're doing sex games Pick them up at 10 We'll be fucking at 11 Bring them back Well I won I'll be in detention Sexy detention

Morning into afternoon Or night into early hours We fuck in the daytime I've told you this We don't have any night time sex She's taking it off The fucking menu Daytime boxing

We're like a Cafe for old ladies. Everything's shut at five. The kitchen's shut at four. Yesterday, I went to sex life like the Morrison's Cafe. It's funny, isn't it? It's funny, isn't it? That was funny.

It is. I know objectively that that's funny. But it hurts because it's real. I went to the gym yesterday, Carl, because we're pumping, aren't we? What am I getting fucking fit for, though? Because I was at the gym Tuesday day and Laura was like,

where were you, by the way? That's our time. What Tuesday day time? That's the zone for the... Get some blackout curtains for every room and don't let her know what time it is. Right. So I come back so I come back

I come back 10 I've just been I've been doing some jobs right 10am there's no 10pm sex

in our house it doesn't work like that everyone's a kip and I'm not talking fannies right I come in it's 10am it's 10am

we've got a window here because there's a DPD delivery coming at quarter past 12 is that what you're calling yeah sign for that right and she is We've got a window here because there's a DPD delivery coming at quarter past 12. Is that what you call it? Yeah. Sign for that. Right.

And she is dressed in, this is in our, we're in our house. Dan's pink dick. Dick pussy delivery. Keep going. The kitchen, the dining room. It's obviously open plan. Dangerous penis drop. Nice.

It's been turned. Damn, penis delivery. It's been turned- Damn, penis delivery. It's been- I'm going to just let you get- Do you want to get them out of the system? No, what I wanted is to keep it in the- Yeah, yeah, yeah. The dining room is now a- She's turned it into a classroom.

She's got glasses on. She's got like a pencil skirt. She's got a chalkboard. I've talked myself into it. I'll give her the fucking TTD. She's got an interactive whiteboard. She's gone all out. She's paid loads of money. She's got a chalkboard. I've talked myself into it. I'll give it a fucking TTD. An interactive whiteboard. She's gone all out. She's paid loads of money.

She's got a chalkboard. She's got today's days at the top of it. And Karl Marx written as the title. How am I? We're studying communism. Wow. I'm a bit of a lefty, but that is.

So you walk in and she's like, where have you been? You're late. Sit down, you naughty little toddler. give me a manifesto no you okay oh child they don't see the head teacher you're right she's hired a man in the bedroom to be the head teacher oh and he's going to teach you how to give out so there's a bloke upstairs role playing as the headmaster and he sucks me off because he didn't understand what was going on

a child would walk into a classroom and go fuck yeah you'd sit down and be good wouldn't you I'd be very good but are you telling me you wouldn't just immediately go oh this is a big sex game let's get involved well now I would now that we've played it out yeah to be honest it was the pencil skirt and glasses and I'm sold but there is a man upstairs

nothing else but there's a man upstairs he's the head teacher what the fuck we're taking this role play everyone's nervous because Ofsted's coming oh it's it's wet break

Dan who's that at the door it's Ofsted Ofsted's here Jesus Christ I'm just trying to jizz on something wet break I mean

do you remember how nervous teachers got with Ofsted by the way where they would be begging children just please just don't be a cunt today right kids Do you remember how nervous teachers got with Ofsted, by the way? Where they would be begging children. I live with one. Just please, just don't be a cunt today. Right, kids.

We told you about this last week. I live with a teacher. Yeah, it's the Spanish Inquisition for fucking educators, isn't it? It's awful. Do you know what Ofsted do wrong, though? Do you know what Ofsted do wrong? Is when they pull up in the car, they play from the speakers. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun,

dun, dun. I think they're adding to it. And everyone thinks they're getting married. Imperial March. Ofsted's awful, by the way. Did you see their head?

This is, I don't know why we've gone here. I was jizzing. I was jizzing to the Communist Manifesto literally a minute ago. And now we're like, hey guys, my heart goes out to teachers though.

Dan, you know, that was just sexy. But Ofsted, these homies are real i had to kill myself didn't she because the school got a bad um got put into um special measures and thanks for that though carl yeah i'm glad i know it though i'm glad i know that they're having to change how they act now because they literally put the fear of God into these people who spend their lives looking after their children.

So it's softened up, Ofsted. They're saying they are, but they still go, oh, we'll come whenever we want, like surprises. But we'll be nice about you. Maybe not.

Yeah, it's fucking awful. Ofsted, if you're listening, fuck off. But what's the alternative? No, there isn't. There isn't an alternative, but there's a better way to do it.

Those poor former teachers. That's what i mean by alternative car oh i thought you meant like oh um just less stringent measures and like more like blame the school not the individual people like teachers are getting blamed for like um like what's not malpractice but like not hitting standards yeah when they've when they're having to do other things around the outside that that is mean they can't hit them. Stop giving them impossible expectations when they're impossible.

Oh, you haven't met that? We can't, can we? Unless we're working. But does it not do good? Usually schools are put into special measures. Don't they then get rejuvenated? I can see all the... Obviously, my mates are moving and checking schools

and it used to be in special measures, but now they've had an amazing head teacher and now it's doing really well. But special measures means off-stake are coming at any time, which adds an insane level of pressure on everyone again. Right, yeah, I suppose so.

You can't really argue with the fact if someone's killed themselves. But, like, they're just trying to hold schools to a standard, aren't they? Because back in the day, it was basically a bit, like, it was different, wasn't it? Like, like old school teaching they did what the fuck they want it's all just like box ticking oh and all these things tick yeah but all that matters is the kids are getting

taught and they're not because i'm having to tick your boxes well i think that's why i'm on role in the role play tick my box right okay well cuba i'm there with the teachers mate absolutely NASUWT mate my mum's teachers union never understood what it was but she got a free diary from Nazawat that one as well

is it? yeah she gets like the big things in the post my mum was a great teacher she was really good they named the library after her after she died

my mum was a great drinker they renamed Kelly's wines and vodka and vodka that would be unbelievable quite insensitive though after she died my mum was a great drinker they renamed Kelly's wine Vans vodka Vans vodka that would be unbelievable quite insensitive though I'd be up for it it's what she wanted

yeah that's cool I thought I'd be in the library after your mum that's so sick yeah she was a really good teacher she loved it

yeah I feel like they're a dying breed though well mum died so some of the jokes today have been good Yeah. I feel like they're a dying breed, though. Well, Mum died, so... Some of the jokes today have been good, but they've made me sad. That was one. I can't do... I set up such a silly question and it can't...

Do it. You're dead, Mum. Right, what about this? Do it. Do it. I just wanted to... Do it. Let's do it.

From my dead mom teacher question um jake ellington says all right lids if you could have any of the following useless superpowers my mom is at a library named after her and this is what i did for a job uh you've got to pick one of these yeah we can have one each but we've got to argue one of these. Yeah, we can have one each, but we've got to argue over them, okay? One superpower is you can speak exclusively to farm animals, right? Two, free gravel for life. Three, duck-like web feet. Getting free gravel for life,

is that a superpower? That's humiliating. If you can just make a pile of gravel from nothing, like spider webs, yes. Give me a KFC, I'll make you a pile of gravel from nothing, like spider webs... Give me a KFC. I'll make you a pile of gravel in 45 minutes. Muck. As much as you want as well.

Three, duck-like web feet. Four, you can control any toaster with your mind. Five, super strength, but only when doing the big shop. I want super strength. I'm talking to farmyard animals. When? Tomorrow. Do they understand me? Yeah.

No, hang on. Because otherwise you can only do that cow, can't you? That's the one then, isn't it? Hang on. I think, number one. I'd be a billionaire. Number one. If you pick number one. Whoa, whoa, whoa. How? Are the animals obeying me as well? No. You can't.

I'd be like, lad, don't dance over there. And they're like... And the cow would just look at you and go, nah. I'd be like, I'll give you all a scoundrel whale. And they're like, yeah.

Can the cow speak to him or does he just... Is that how he speaks? I think cow can just get the vibe. Oh, right. I'd win Britain's Got Talent. How? I'd make them all dance.

Hang on. I'd dance on Dogwood. You can't force them to dance. You can dancing dog what am i you can't 50 dancing you can just eat ugly pigs yeah our boxers are every skin on go and do that dance like well maybe they can't dance though no but if they can't like force someone to be in twist and point going lads i can't even do this i'm not good at choreography what are the five pigs uh horses yeah i think farm animal you'd go to the Grand National and fucking win them

wouldn't you you'd say listen lad if you win this race I'll blow your head off and you'd say that to all the horses except for yours

and your horse wins and you'd fuck a million what kind of animal would threaten a horse from before I'm gravel man is that your catchphrase free gravel for life

is it unlimited I will fuck you up mate you're chasing me gravel right in front of you why am I chasing you I don't know because I'm a criminal

doing what robbing banks I'm replacing it with gravel this gravel man walks in your bank and says hey give me all the money

in this bank yeah like oh no get down this floor gravel man i'll be a million like i will fucking gravel you will be clean you're a celebrity as well if i know you you walk in gives all your money fucking that's gravel man yeah but i'm wearing the suit get a job at beasley and files get a job at beasley and files skim off the top rob it all and then just

refill it at the end of the day and you're making millions millions why why would you rob it all and then just refill it at the end of the day and you're making millions millions why would you rob it when you can just no people are coming in and buying it you pocket the money refill the gravel

there's only gravel today your pockets are full of cash do you know if you became famous as gravel man if you became because obviously if you start like Dan's Gravel

and people just drive up and then they and you go Dan's Gravel where Gravel Man Gravel they come in they go hang on where's the name of your business isn't it Dan's gravel gravel man gravel they come in they go hang on where's the gravel I go don't worry about that stay in the car

do you want it in the boot and it's full that's how people transport gravel in the pickup truck put it in the fit that foot put it in the glove compartment please gravel man gravel man I'll fuck you up, mate.

So you become famous for being the Gravel Man. Who's that? That's Gravel Man. He just does gravel stuff. Anyway, on a pint. Britain's got talent. It's a one trick thing, isn't it? Like, oh my God, he can make gravel after a few weeks.

I was like, boring. But there needs to be a caveat. So yours, you cum gravel as well. Oh God. Yeah. What? Because every sort of superhero has that awful yeah like their weakness that awful like twisted irony what what's like batman's weakness kryptonite

his mom and dad batman's weakness is kryptonite yeah famously yeah his weakness is that he won't kill people isn't it superman but i don't think that's a weakness it is he won't go to batman's weaknesses he's colorblind and he doesn't like chinese people i don't know i's a weakness. It is. He won't go too far. Batman's weakness is he's colourblind and he doesn't like Chinese people. I don't know. I've read into it a lot. He's weirdly racist about Chinese. Lao, he does spatter him.

Superman's is kryptonite. Iron Man's is big magnets. And Gravel Man is... Every bit of fluid that comes out of me is gravel. Please don't make me cry fucking hurts my eyes what are you picking? I can't remember what I said

super strength but only when you're doing doing the big show carrying bags from Tesco even to your car is a nightmare I just push the shop into my car

you can just carry your car around and just put the shopping into the car oh my god look at him with a Range Rover in the fucking... Vagile.

I'm a little bit tired. Our mouths don't work. We had like four people in my year who had webbed feet. If I had webbed feet, I'd be up Thong Woman's house. Isn't that Wigan? Skelmersdale. It's Wigan, though, isn't it? No. Ormskirk, Wigan? Skelmersdale. Ormskirk. It's Wigan though, isn't it? No.

Ormskirk, Wigan, Skem. You can't tell me they're not all Wigan. Ormskirk's got an L postcode. What? Ormskirk's got an L postcode. Oh my God. Why did you say that to these? You might as well go,

it's the centre of all wool. Ormskirk. Oh, that's clever. You are. It's like Ormskirk. If you're from. Oh, that's clever. You are. It's like Gormske. If you're from a different part of the world, these are all the places where WebV would not be a massive shock. That was a great question.

Why do you love Wigan then? I'm a Wigan fan. And Carl spread a rumour that I live in Wigan. I mean, I do now, but when he said it, I didn't. Do you? I do now, yeah. But you've not... It's a self-fulfilling

prophecy you've not made me live in Wigan you do live in Wigan my mum has moved to Wigan now yeah but when you said I've got a little Wigan

what a great sign your mum's moved to Wigan so hang on Harry born and raised in Ormskir born in so I've never

born in Brighton born in Brighton but yeah born in Brighton but I don't remember Brighton grew up in Skem and Parble

you got fucking mugged off there kid I know born in one of the best Parble's very Wigan yeah but Parble's like old and then moved to Ormskirk

no I just went to school in Ormskirk but I lived in Skem but your heart was always Wigan even in Brighton when you were born they were like this one's not for you

and I just loved Maynard Figueroa oh good player halfway land golf okay what a sad collection of places to live and breathe well now i live in berskow basically got a wolf yeah someone messaged me and a freddie quinn gig yeah lucky lady someone messaged me the other day saying they saw me walk past a school in berskow and were worried for the children because i looked quite unwell uh and he meant it as a compliment i mean why is he looking at the school he was he was across the road with exactly binoculars and he was like oh my god that's how your mom lives in wigan now now yeah of course your mum doesn't wiggle oh you sound so ill

time time cold and flu Adam Greg says what's happening Lids I've got a bit of a situation here. I've been seeing my missus

for the best part of three years and honestly, it couldn't be any better. She lives at her place with her kid. I've got my gaff to myself because my kids are both well-grown. We've maintained this beautiful state of affairs for ages

and now my missus wants to move in together and honestly, I love it a bit, but I don't want to. I think we've cracked it and this whole living separately thing could be the way forward. Am I right um you've got to do it eventually i lived apart from selica for 11 years and that was great but now living together is even better so he doesn't know

what he's missing does he do you have to i mean i know everyone thinks you have to but if you've got it sound and you've had three good years and it's obviously second time round for both of you. What's the end goal? Just think, to have a very happy relationship where you're like, what do you want to do this week? I'll see you Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday. Brilliant.

I don't think you have to. I know, but like, I don't know. It just feels like cohabitating. Did you say they've both got kids? She's got a small kid and his are grown. I think it's all right. But I think you have to have a conversation and get on the same page

because you're not being honest with each other. Well, you're not being honest with her. She's like, I want to move in and you don't know how to tell her that you don't. But you need to sit with her and go, you need to have this conversation with her. I know that we shouldn't be telling people not to write into us

and to just talk to the people in their lives, but you need to sit her down and go, look, I actually think we've got this pretty sweet and I'm worried that us moving in together might ruin it a bit, so. I think he might've had this conversation with her already and now he's like, she still wants to. I think he wants some fucking backup.

Like we're going to be like, listen, play her this. Well, they're not meant to be together then, are they? They don't want the same things. I don't know, but if everything's great,

literally, everything's great, they're dead sound. No, no, but you compromise. You don't have to want exactly the same thing

as all the time. No, no, but everything's not great because she's asking him to change and he's not, so everything isn't great. But this is the only thing,

it sounds like this is the only sticking point. So I think... Three years. And honestly, it couldn't be any better. He's going, hey, this is fucking mint. And she's like, yeah, it is mint.

But we should move in together. So it could be better. Stop asking. She wants other things, doesn't she? He thinks it's great, but she doesn't want what they've got. So it isn't great. She just wants to take it to the next level.

Yeah. So just speak to her and go, how about this? I'll come and stay with you for a month, but I doesn't want what they've got, so it isn't great. She just wants to take it to the next level. Yeah. So just speak to her and go, how about this? I'll come and stay with you for a month, but I'm keeping me gaff. We'll see how, we'll do it on like

a trial basis. First time round, I can see it. I can see it. You're in the first time round. Of course. If you and Sarah could get down the road

and it's not worked out, I'm telling you right now, if me and Laura didn't work out, she put me on the naughty step too many times, I would be like, this is my gaff. That's yours. I'm not you right now, if me and Laura didn't work out, she put me on the naughty step too many times, I would be like, this is my gaff, that's yours. I'm not fucking doing, I'm not going back and doing like the 2.4 kids again.

Fuck that. But you can consolidate your two hours and have a bigger house. Yeah, but then, what if you split up and then you've got to consolidate with a big old splitage? I know that's a bit negative way to think about it. I just, I think everyone can make their deal. And like, if it works, I think that thing of like, we should live together

just because every other cunt does, doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. That's what she wants. It doesn't matter what's right. It's what she wants. And she's not going to see a future in the relationship if she can't move on to that next level. She needs convincing, doesn't she?

Just like, you know, change her mind. But you're putting those caveats in there, aren't you? No, she is. No, she's not. She is. She's going, I want to move in. You're going, and she said she'll kill herself and everyone. If she doesn't, hang on.

She's just going, I think we should move in. But you've just said you've had the conversation. You didn't convince her and it's still there. To be fair, I'm projecting he's not said that. But I don't I think honestly make your deal it doesn't have to look like everyone else's deal

whatever is working is a good thing what a shame it would be is if they moved in together and it just wasn't as good and you're like oh well you weren't meant

to be together you're like well it was flying I don't know I just I don't know what the end goal is what the 70 live in different houses

I grew up in two houses I'm fine I mean my parents you're not you don't know I just I don't know what the end goal is what the 70 live in different houses I grew up in two houses I'm fine I mean my parents you're not you don't even know where you're from Harry you think you're from some part of West Lancashire

that you're not even I just don't know what the end goal is there yeah to live separately as an old age couple that'd be brilliant just doddle around to each other

I'm coming I'm coming round for you Miriam at one point they can't because one of them's bed bound or something and they all live down the road fuck you god you're then you can move in together and go now it makes a lot more sense oh he's such a romantic of course i want to live together who's going to care for me later on i think he needs to have a chat with her and be like

i don't think this is the best idea and we should do it on a trial basis and let me keep me flat while we're trying it out and then maybe he'll change his mind maybe she'll change hers but yeah I agree with Dan this is from Anonymous it says alright lids

can you keep me anonymous it's from Jake Garrett the wife keeps suggesting I start going to the gym with her brother as he's really motivated and there all the time only he's not actually

going to the gym I find out through a friend, he's having sex with several men multiple times a week. Why is he telling you this? I brought it up to him in private. I brought it up to him in private and he went red. He's begging me. I can't read it.

Brought it up to him in private and he went red. He's begging me not to throw him in the deep end. Not sure how to handle this. I feel sorry for his girlfriend, but it's also none of my business. What should I do? Nothing.

Can I just... Listen, this is very... I know, listen, I've said don't call bullshit, but can I?

Because I read it out going, come on, bro. No, I don't think this is necessarily bullshit. Yeah, men can have sex at bed, Dan. Yeah. 2024, Dan. No.

Gays are rampant. Yeah, they're everywhere. There you go. Sounded progressive until that statement. They're fucking everywhere and they're allowed to vote. I didn't say that. No, I don't either.

I think they should be allowed to vote. I'm bummed. Not at the same time. The booze would be disgusting. Full of shit. Nice, Carl. Nice. There you go.

Filling the gaps. That's what they did. With the cocks. With the cocks. Anyone else? In the ass. Sex. Man.

Bummer. Voting. Let's get the Tories out of your ass. I don't know. I think tell her tell her and set a camera tell who tell her

those shagging men tell her's girlfriend or his missus you have to fill me in here you've got too tight so the lad who's wrote in it's his missus's brother

who's bumming all the men all getting bummed by the men we don't know whether he's a postman or a letterboxer at this stage tell your sister or if he's a Tory Labour he could the men. We don't know whether he's a postman or a letterbox of the same. Tell your sister.

Or if he's a Tory, Labour. He could be Lib Dem. I don't know who he's voting for. Tell your sister. What? Tell his own sister who's got no skin in the game at all. No, tell his bed. God, do you want me to read it again?

Because I don't think you've got any. What? Parbold? Right, so his sister her brother no his his missus has got a brother

and he's shagging men and apparently he's been lying about going to the gym this has all been said before Carl tell her tell her

tell your missus why funny innit set the camera up say yeah do you know what we'll all go to the gym together we'll follow you there but don't tell him that and then just walk in and I'm sh up say yeah do you know what we'll all go to the gym together we'll follow you there

but don't tell him that and then just walk in and I'm shagging seven do you know what just here's how you find out it's not true what she thinks about it without telling her

right you just watch an episode of some sort of LGBTQ plus like TV show queer life of the straight guy

put that on Netflix with your message be like I wanted to watch this for ages Queer as fuck 20 years ago Cash in the Attic no they re-released it

a few years ago yeah I wanted to watch this for ages Points of View I wanted to watch this for shut up and then just like

about 20 minutes into episode 3 nice wow just pause it and go hey babe you know if you found out

your John wasn't really going to the gym and was instead bumming men or getting bummed by men several times a week Don't say the gym bae Don't say the gym bae Why?

I think she'd get on to it No Yeah but you need She's going to sniff something out though Hey I'm just going to pause this Imagine if your John was getting bummed a bit What do you think? Yeah If I found if your job was getting bummed a bit.

Would you think? Yeah. If I found out your job was getting bummed several times a week by different men, would you want me to tell you? No. Oh, there's somebody then. Absolutely not. Great.

Why don't you... Back to queer, I'm a straight guy. Why don't you just play this whole section and see what she says? I'm not asked. I wouldn't want to know. I don't know how he's getting those fucking laughs. That's how you do it. Also, where's he going? Is there like a gay gym?

He's not going to the gym. No, but nobody's going to places that get bummed. Yeah, probably other men's houses. Oh, yeah. That's allowed as well now. What do you think? There's just a big gay fuck park? There is.

Saunas, isn't it? He's saying several men. Apparently the sauna's like... The sauna's on Old Hall Street. Gay saunas. In Manchester, in the village. And they're reasonable as well. I'd know a chef who used to go there after work. Genuinely.

French one? Yeah. You're not getting a back massage. Le gay. Oh. He wasn't a chef. Oh no no he wasn't was he have we told him that can we tell him no we can't oh god no i know a chef and he was a homosexual man and he'd go to the baths after work and it was just like each room was different saunas and just by the way if you're into it sounds sounds fucking awesome. Yeah. Sounds awesome. Doesn't it?

There's a gaffe in town, is there? Yeah, there's loads of girls in there. Is it like as hot as a normal sauna? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You go in with a towel, and someone will say, nice dick, can I suck it? Yeah, hey, coach, go.

Just get me fucking steam room in. Yeah. And then nosh. They're just welling each other. It's amazing. That sounds great. I stand by my advice by the way

that's how you bring it up clear eye for the straight guy really on the nose oh like nobody whatever she says you then know what to do I think she'd know either way I'm getting wellied

no but like will she though like will she this lad's got a beard she's probably this is probably the furthest thing from her mind. That's why I'm saying put a gay programme on.

Because then it's not like you're bringing her up because of her brother. You're bringing her up because there's gays on the telly. Yeah. Because she was there and that. You're not thinking about them otherwise, are you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you've got to be careful.

If that wasn't on the TV, it would be too suspicious. What do you want in your sandwich, love? Ham, cheese? Yeah, yeah. What would you do if your John was gay? What? Yeah, yeah. It would be a shock. Yeah, you need a gay programme. Totally. What would you do if your John was gay? What? Yeah, yeah. It would be a shock.

Yeah, you need a gay programme. What do you think queer eye would do for you? I think they'd probably say, get my back hair lasered off. Start getting some more sunbeds. Yeah, I am. And just probably do some lat pull-downs. No, I think he means dressed.

Yeah. And probably wear shoes that are bought by my mate. No, I think he means dressed. Yeah. And probably wear shoes that are bought by my mate. Whoa, I bought them. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah, probably how I dress. Yeah. Less denim.

Yeah. Less denim. Less denim. Less denim. No, everyone's going to want to fuck you. You've got Amanda Holden. Who? Amanda Holden. You've got Amanda Holden. Who? Amanda Holden.

You've got Amanda Holden. No, we don't know. No, we don't. Don't give me fashion advice when you're wearing a Liverpool training top. Queer Eye's not going to come on and go, oh my God, mid-90s, Carlsberg. Yes.

I'm retro. Yeah, true. But Queer Eye's not going to be like, oh, I love it. Yeah, they will. Is it like 94 96 adidas phil bab era adidas yeah lovely yeah but i'm chilling today aren't i i'm where i've never watched it is it just is it like trinny and suzanna but it's gay it's seven gays going up

to one straight man and making more fuckable seven yeah yeah it's like the dwarves i'd watch that they're like the horsemen of the acocalypse what i'd watch seven gay dwarves dress a straight man we can't talk today none of us can talk turn that off break time the horsemen of the apocalypse break let's do as a favor yeah you love us don't you you love this podcast that's why you're listening to it and especially if you're watching on YouTube helps us immeasurably if you go and leave a comment like subscribe

and turn the bell on it sends us through the roof with the algorithm it costs you absolutely nothing apart from half a second of your life and helps us no end and you can follow us on socials can't you Dan yeah at have a word pod I nearly said Dan? Yeah, have a word pod.

I nearly said my handle then. Have a word pod. Just give us a follow and comment, and don't just like something. Retweet it, share it, put it on your stories. Just be sound. It costs nothing to be nice. Be a good egg.

Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. We have Sirkett Stolwit, absolute hero, top comic, long overdue have a word guest, handsome bugger, Jeff Innocent here. Thank you. I wasn't sure if it was going to have my name at the end of that sentence. Until you said handsome bugger, then I thought, yeah, I know I'm in. It's me. How are we?

I'm fantastic. Thank you. Absolute pleasure and privilege to be asked to come on. Oh, it's the same though, isn't it? Because when you're a comic, there's comics that you're like, yeah, proper fucking comic. Even the cab driver knew where we were going. Oh, that's great.

Did you get a card from the train station? My mate and support actor with me, Sam, he said, this is where we're going to do Have a Word. He went, oh, what, what, what? You're on it, are you? He went, no, no, no, do have a word he went oh what what you're on it oh he went no no no jeff there what your celebrity are you so obviously it's known as a podcast that has celebrities on oh and i'm one of them yeah yeah we've had four did you get a cab from the train station yeah we? Yeah, we weren't... Yeah, yeah. Yeah, Cockneys, Cockneys! That's fucking mental. No, the first time I came to Liverpool and I was lost and wasn't sure I had to get to Hotwater,

two coppers in uniform, right? I don't know why I asked them. It was against my principles to ask them, but I was a bit lost. Big scum. And I went, mate, I'm trying to get to Hotwater. Do you know what it is we're going in that direction walk with us

so I had to walk in between two uniform old bill for about half a mile everyone looking obviously thinking I was a grass not a good look is it? Do you think you look like a grass? Do you think that's what they do? No I don't

That big one's really undercover Do you think you look like a grass? Do you think that's what they do? A grass that's just paraded them round? Come on, we're going for a walk now. That big one's really undercover. It's always eventful when I come to Liverpool. You can't just get off the train and go to the hotel without something happening. And the last time I was here, left the hotel, a bloke walked past. As soon as I got out, he went,

oh, there's a dead body down there, mate. Dead body. Watch where you walk. What do you mean? He went after he jumped off the car park. He said, I put a bit of tarpaulin over him. And I'd got there before the police or anyone arrived and there's just a dead body.

And he's just going to work as if that was like his normal Sunday morning thing. So Liverpool, it's a full-on place. But what's he meant to do? If you get to a dead body and there's a bit of tarpaulin, you pull it over, you call the busies and you make sure you're not late for work. Yeah, he did the decent thing.

When there's a dead body, mess with the crime scene. That's what I'd do. Is that what you do? Get a bit of DNA on there. Leave a bit of jizz. Fuck your crime scene. Give the man a bit of dignity.

He's lying on fucking Renshaw Street with his hair covered in his own shite. He's jumped off a car park. Exactly. It's the way he just casually accepted

that there's a dead body this morning. Yeah, it happens. It's usually Wednesdays with the fucking dead bodies. Where are they getting the tarpaulin from you? What? Where are you getting the tarpaulin? It's just there.

Sometimes people, sometimes the tarpaulin next to his dead body and you go, do you know what? He's jumped off with one to be nice. Yeah. Yeah, he was actually trying to parachute. But there's always something I get. I stayed in that Adelphi

thinking it was posh. I didn't know though. You don't know do you? There's a few things about Liverpool that are posh in London but not posh in Liverpool. The Adelphi sounds posh.

Kensington for example. It's big, it's grand isn't it? Yeah. Can I tell the TV show in Kensington? Kensington sounds so great. In London that's a really

grand posh place. I didn't know. Got a hotel there, I didn't know. It looked cheap. What hotel were you in in Kensington? That is a really grand posh place i didn't know got a hotel there i didn't know it looked cheap what hotel were you in that is a rough place even was it even for me even for me i thought whoa but isn't any hotels in kenny i've stayed in adelphi i've stayed in kensington there's been dead bodies you get offered cocaine in the hotel prostitutes everything before you know you haven't even been off the train for five minutes. Why are you sounding like this is not like your perfect place?

Geoff, you're a beacon for a lot of this naughtiness, by the way. I don't think this is a normal civilian's experience. I think the nutters see you, find you and gravitate. I must have thought this boat was going to be at home with all this shit. That's what's happened. So TK Maxx, Sunbed, I do the whole thing when I'm here. Dead Maxx Sunbed I do the whole thing when I'm here dead bodies

really I do the whole theme oh you get involved when in Rome yeah yeah that's right yeah totally Sunbed straight away

line of Charlie as soon as I get off the train cat wig yeah just get on it Jeff do you know what a cat wig is a cat wig

yeah every now and then we have a guest on and we teach them some scouse slang. Right. Is it, do people lose their hair

if they take too much ketamine and they have to wear a ket wig? Is that what it is? It's not far away. It's the opposite really, isn't it? It's actually the exact opposite but you saw them

in the right area. Oh, okay. So there's a lot of like, in Liverpool, about sort of 15, 20 years ago, it was, it became short back and sides was just, that was the thing ago, it was short back and sides.

It was just, that was the thing. Everyone had a short back and sides. And then there was like a revolution about five, six, seven years ago now. And all the kids have got really long, bushy hair. You know what happened? What? A lad I know who's a Scully told me, one dead hard Scully grew his hair and no one had said anything to him.

So they all just grew their hair with him. That's what happened. Sick, he's like the Jennifer Aniston of Scouse Vag. That's how he sees himself. Bradley told me that. Is that where she got the idea from? Oh, Bradley. Yeah.

He told me and I was like, yeah, you're not lying. He's like, yeah, some dead hard kid did it, so we all did it. Yeah, but I think with Liverpool, you suit it. Even though you are so cocky. If you go name a cockney comedian on the

like in comedy I go yeah it's Geoff innit I Jesus it's kicking off he's a fucking what um

it's another dead buddy falling into the ground it's Woody I think you I think in Liverpool a lot of London based comics

come up and go oh god we're in Liverpool and I think you suit it even though you're so different I think it Liverpool, a lot of London-based comics come up and go, oh, God, we're in Liverpool. And I think you suit it. Even though you're so different, I think it's the same working class. Yeah, a lot of it's very similar. You know, a lot of the place names are similar to East London. And it's a very similar culture, I think, certainly to my own personal East London culture.

Are you still living in the East? I am, yeah. You're not gentrified? It's been gentrified, but I'm still there holding there holding out you know like those farmers that won't sell their house and all the motorway gets built across their garden i'm like that i've kept it going the old ghetto going while they're building around me but i can't afford to leave i can't afford to stay it's one of those situations with that what are you gonna do but who knows after this podcast oh yes you'll be you'll buy a house

in Kensington I could stay in the Adelphi all day long is there much of like the old garden in East London you know like the old kind of Cockney geezer

still kind of knocking about there are you the last one old school I think yeah they're I think they well actually

they move out to Essex I don't know what the Liverpool equivalent is but they tend to move out a little bit so they can carry on with that post-war way of life. Formby, Moshley Hill. Crosby. The Weddell.

And they have pie and mash shops, and they try and recreate an imagined life that they had in the 1950s or 60s. They sound more Cockney than people from the East End. Yeah, they do, yeah, yeah. Because they're trying... It's like Runcorn, isn't it? It's like John Bishop sounds super Scouse,

but wasn't he just raised in... No, he doesn't. It's like he's... He sounds Scouse or non-Scoce, yeah. Do you know what I mean? Like, I know you know the difference, but it's like they're trying to sound... Well, they called them Mockneys, didn't they?

If those people that have moved to Essex and try and carry that on, they're called Mockneys, aren't they? So I'm guessing there's a Scouse equivalent. Walls. Walls, yeah. Right, right. they? So I'm guessing there's a Scouse equivalent. Wolves. Wolves, yeah. Right, right. There you go.

Everyone from the Whittles are Wolves. And they don't sound more Scouse than me and Carl, do they? No. But there's a difference. I'm over here, look. But John Bishop, you do know me. No, no, no. Look over there.

There's the Liverbirds. Oh, the Whittles. Two of them. Two of the Liverbirds over there. You can see it all the way from Pimbo. It's every fifth podcast. The Wirral just has to get a kick in. What we talk about, East London.

Yeah, fuck the Wirral. Do you know what I will say? And this is going to get me a lot of hate. Right? The Wirral accent on a girl is more attractive than a proper Scouse accent on a girl. Like, I'd take that on a girl. Oh, no, I'm from over the water, me.

Put it in me arse. Like, I'd take that any day of the week than some fucking bootlehead. Oh, no, fucking, I'm from Booney. Put it in me arse. I will tell you, if it ends up with put it in me arse, I'll take any accent, genuinely. She started with it.

Hello, I'm from the Whittle. Put it in me arse. It'll take any accent. She started with it. Hello, I'm from the middle. Put it in my arse. It's the second sentence. All right, my lover from Bristol, stick it right where it don't want to be. I'll be into it. I just think it's better. I think it's softer.

It's more playful. It's cuter. You know, that's what you want. You want a cute woman. Do you like a little bit of cockney on the ladies? Well, it's finished and said it because I've got a new girlfriend. Have you?

Yeah, yeah. because, yeah. I mean, I've been married for a little while now. Muscle tough. And I've got a new girlfriend, but she's really cockney. I mean, she thinks I'm posh, but she sounds like, when she speaks, she sounds like an old sixes, east end gangster.

So things she says that might be sexually inviting sound like threats, you know. You'd be on the phone and she'd go, I'm going to fuck you up when I see you next time. And in another accent, that might sound quite sort of sexy, but it's just frightening. No, I don't think it does. I don't think there's an accent on the player.

That's what she says. I'm going to fuck you up the next time I see you. To her, that's romantic. She sounds great. I'm going to break your collarbone. Child clock and everything, you know, proper working class. Oh, yeah, I think that's it. She sounds great. I'm going to break your collarbone. Child clock and everything, you know, proper working class. Oh, yeah, I think that's it. Yeah, I know, I know.

A new King Kong lock. That's how working class she is. I want a woman that sounds like Ray Winston. This is what I want. Yeah, yeah. Responsibly. You told us then you've got a new girlfriend, but you've been married for a while.

I have, yeah, yeah. Are you still married? No, no, no, no. No? No, no. Okay, good job. That's all kosher don't worry i'm not this feels i don't want to be put into all i'm saying is i've got a new girlfriend that's what i'm saying this feels very intrusive and let if you need this cut out okay what is how i don't this is acceptable because i know some of your dating history like it yeah is she this sounds bad on a

white podcast this sounds bad is she is she white or is she west african no that's two different concepts isn't it one's a color yeah sorry nationality yeah sorry is she black is the question because because well she is yeah yeah okay cool all right but she's jamaican cockney lewisham south london sort of style right because you've got a famous stand-up routine that went viral about having i did yeah yeah uh i think it was the first thing that i had that went viral it was about the way i look and uh i think i think the routine i've sort of stopped doing it because it went so viral but then of course sometimes people ask you to do jokes they go you didn't do that joke but it's jeff it's the one that people

if you go fucking jeff's great because jeff's reputation is phenomenal in stand-up like as a we we talk about murderers don't we jeff's a murderer and it's what okay yeah we're jeff that's got maybe um but it's the bit i think it's the comics it's not that it's not that easy if you have a black wife when you look like me there's certain things you might take for granted in a relationship that we can't do sadly because of the way i look ordinary stuff like i couldn't chase her down the street and that was a massive joke for me. What was the one about the guy going, oh, you're still in the East End, Geoff? Oh, yeah, that one is racists thinking I'm one of them

and being over-familiar and going, hey, Geoff, you still living in East London? And I go, yeah, I am, as a matter of fact. What's wrong with that? Well, you must be the only white person in East London. And I go, mate, I'm the only white person in my fucking house. Oh, I love it.

So, but, but they were big jokes for me, but it's funny when you love a joke, isn't it? And you have to let it go because it's been seen too much. A hundred percent. And it saddens me.

But then I've dropped those jokes for the tour because that's one of the big, one of the big social media things, but people come up afterwards and go, oh, I brought someone to see you doing that chasing your wife down the street joke. But that's such a great, that's the reason you've sold those tickets. Yeah.

But then it would be awful to be on the stage and have half the room go, oh yeah, we've heard that. Yeah, yeah. I mean, there are one or two that I've let through and I do warn them, and not warn them, I do say, look, you know, one or two of these you might've heard on Instagram, instagram but i because you don't want to end up being like your favorite band that you're going to see in the guy guys we're not doing anything you've heard tonight

we're doing our new experimental stuff now you don't want to be like one of those those bands no one needs the rolling stones but the very big ones i i don't do i think because they might still like it but they're not going to laugh oh they're so you're touring now i mean you you're on the circuit for a long time it's like i've done you do the point where you're like i was on the circuit for 18 19 years this kicked off the last few years have been a bit different yes still gig on the circuit but that was literally everything same for you are you are you you're touring now are you missing the circuit a little bit i do a bit yeah but i i haven't but what we're doing rather nicely we're doing the tour up until the end of april and then we're starting again in september so i can go back on the circuit and and um and get back yeah i do miss

the circuit i i it's a difficult one isn't it because i love doing our shows and i love performing to audiences that love me and have come to see me, but I miss still being an unknown quantity and winning them over and all of that. Yeah, the sport of it is so much part of it. Yeah, and also it's just the different discipline of doing a 20 to doing an hour. Yeah. You know, I love hitting them over the head

with punchlines and tags in a sort of relentless way. But with the hour, I've had to hold back a bit and ease it out and be be more measured so i'm learning that discipline because i'm not i'm not i'm not an experienced performer of our shows i'm a club comic so for part of this tour i've had to learn how to do that to hold back you know because i just want to kill them i just want to keep killing them all the time so um yeah also you're slowly do you miss the dress because you're fun in a dressing room like you're one of the more famous like dressing room antagonists well i think

dressing rooms where everything's a bit boring jeff comes in and it's not that you're starting an argument but i literally see you go right these cunts are being boring yeah grenading i got warned about you before i worked with you someone went someone went just keep your eye on jeff because if he's in the mood it can feel like he's having a go at you but he's not he's just testing i heard you said to justin morehouse before he went on at the comedy store in london down from the north are you you're not going to talk about fucking greg's are you i said no i said greg's and your nan nan that's what I said so I gigged with you for the first time in Brighton

I've never met you and someone has said be careful for him, he's not having a go but if he's in the mood just to entertain himself he'll fucking like whoever said that got it spot on although it sounds I saw you do it

I came off stage, I've just had a smasher in Brighton and you went that's very good yeah very good i've got a few points i want to uh like just went i want to ask about this bit and and the the other comics in the room went tense as if you were having a go but i was like yeah no no i know what's going on that way because not everybody sees it that way and it can sometimes become an argument which is not my intention and i wonder if it's not just my personality but being an older older bloke, always being an older bloke, like a dad type person. But I didn't feel, also, on the way I was on the train home,

my phone rang from an unrecognised number and it was you. And you rang me to go, I just want to say I've loved working with you. I thought you were absolutely superb the whole weekend. It's been an absolute pleasure gigging together. What did you say? Like my old dad would say, you're good people It's been an absolute pleasure gigging together. What did you say? Like my old dad would say, you're good people. And I look forward to gigging you. I literally put the phone down going,

I've been doing stand-up for maybe 12 years at that point. I was like, that has never happened ever. Well, it's nice of you to put that in. Yeah, that makes me sound like a nice bloke. No, it does. Because I like it. Basically, yeah, you've got to hold your own in the dressing room. Yeah, dressing room fuck around. I think I'm warming up when I'm in the dressing room. Yeah, dressing rooms, I think. Those dressing rooms fuck around.

I think I'm warming up when I'm in a dressing room. I'm sure I'm not the only one. I like to hit the stage running, so as soon as I get in the dressing room, I'm started. Yeah, yeah, you want to have a laugh. Are you a bit like that as well, Adam?

A little bit, yeah. And like, Justin Morehouse, by the way, has passed down that to me. Because the first time I ever did an open spot at the Manchester store, before I'm going on,

I'm at the Manchester store as a scouserer and I went to him would you do us a favour Justin just before, like when you bring him here, don't tell him I'm an open spot until after I'm done because I feel like they lose a bit of faith and I'd rather just be judged as a comic

and do us a favour, don't mention I'm from Liverpool because like I think they'll kick off and he went, I'm the compere of the Manchester comedy store, you're not fucking telling me I was going to do my job and walk through the door to And he went, I'm the comp head of the Manchester Comedy Store. You're not fucking telling me. I was going to do my job and walk through the door to go on stage. And I'm stood backstage waiting to do my first five. Like, right?

I've just pissed off the guy from Phoenix Knights. This is going in the fucking wall. And he went on and just did exactly what I'd asked him to do. He was just like, I've just been a dick. Because when you're a comic and you do these little things, it's not that you're testing people on purpose, but you want to go, oh, you're a new young lad. Let's see if you can handle it in here.

I think so, yeah. Because it's not a fucking, like, this is a dressing room of a comedy club. You have to be able to hold your own a little bit. The best dressing rooms are the ones where you've got real fucking comics having a joke, taking the piss. No one's being a tri the piss no one's being a triad no one's being like and they're great and it gets you i know when i i had two dogs and they died very at a similar time and it was very sad and i went into the dressing room and i was really

feeling sad and one of the uh comics saying what's wrong java went uh well what's happening my dogs died i had a dog i had him for 15 years he died and the other one died of a broken heart because that one died and she went you should open with that and I thought that's what you want

from a comedian isn't it that toughness you don't need actual comfort from comics that's not our job our job is to just

say the worst possible thing to make everyone else in the room laugh I think once you've been doing it a while, that's the reassuring bit, isn't it? When you're like, oh, this feels better.

Just getting cunted off a bit rather than people like, oh, you're all right. Yeah, I think you're right. Dogs are so special, aren't they? It's true. Did you get any of that kind of ribbing as someone who started old? Did I get any?

Yeah, because you started when you were in your 40s. Well, I was a bit older, really, so not that much no no no jeff yeah but you look terrifying you know i've got to know you probably saves me from a lot actually looking at this a hundred percent you you got off the train station in liverpool in camouflage combat pants and no one said anything to you i'm telling you right now if i if i if i come in before with them on. It'd be on Twitter before he got here.

If I turned up wearing those through this podcast, he'd end it. He's got so little, he's got so little respect. No, but these are quite trendy ones. They're Air Jordan. Yeah.

Oh, are they, yeah? It doesn't matter if they're not. You know. You're nailing it. They're expensive. I'm probably too old for these sort of clothes, but,

you know, what can you do? Fuck that. You know, what can I do so why why why was it such a late start because you've obviously like you it's not like you learned how to do it you were yeah i think most comedians that are any good are that way inclined before they do it anyway aren't they in life but i don't think the opportunity arose i i was interested in doing it

I don't think the opportunity arose. I was interested in doing it and I thought I could do it, but I needed to earn money because I had kids. So it had to come at a time where I didn't have anything to lose. So what happened is in the late 80s and early 90s, I went to university as a mature student for five years. So when that came to an end, I didn't actually have a job or anything to do. And it coincided with the time that Jongers had built

a load of comedy clubs. So I could see how if I got into it, I could earn a living. So that's probably, it was just waiting for the right time. I had no idea that being 41 would be old though. You know, I didn't realise that there was a, because it's getting younger and younger, isn't it? Yeah. Certainly since I've been doing it

I was 20 he was 18 it's probably illegal to be 41 and start doing comedy now but I did a workshop as well which I really enjoyed

with Tony Allen who died this year I don't know if you know who Tony Allen was he was like one of the architects of the whole alternative comedy thing so I did a workshop

with him and that's how I got started and was doing it within a year probably earning a living it was I got started and was doing it within a year probably earning a living it was different now within a year I was probably earning a living

it didn't take me long but I didn't have many outgoings that also helps if you want to make a living if you just need £180 a week it's going to be a lot easier did you have a load of other jobs before you did comedy? no I was before I went to university,

I was a window dresser in men's fashion. What's that mean? You got dressed in windows? It means you go in windows and put clothes on dummies and all of that. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah, that's what I did, I know. To make it look like... Yeah, to make it enticing.

I know. What a mad job. I did that for, did an apprenticeship, did that when I left school, did that until, I did that for about 15 years, yeah. You're never fucking dandy. Yeah, definitely, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, mate. Kings Road, Carnaby Street, all of that stuff.

Did you study fashion? Fashion, yeah. You studied fashion or did you just go into it? Well, I mean, the apprenticeship is used, you know, you don't go to university, I was like an apprentice, like in a trade, you know, where you're carrying the stuff and learning from someone who does it.

But yeah, you learn lots of stuff, but it wasn't college as such, but it was still, you learn a lot of stuff about fabrics. Carnaby Street in the 70s? Well, 1970, I left school, so that's when I was doing window dressing. Yeah, it was like being in show business. It was fantastic. It was a fantastic job. That's amazing. Yeah, it was, it was, well, it was like being in show business. It was fantastic.

It was a fantastic job. That's amazing. Yeah. Were you also an undertaker? No. No, that's someone else. But, but I do know one if you need it.

You keep asking questions like that. I do know one who needs private, who does a bit of private work, you know what I mean? Harry does research on our guests, you see, and I think he's found something that's interesting to him.

Yeah, so I've got the- I'll put a few people to sleep in my time if that's what you mean. I've got the jobs that I listened down, that you're an undertaker, that you're a chimney sweep. Oh,

is that, no, what I did was, I did a spoof autobiography once Oh no And you've fallen for it No let me tell you I did a spoof

One of them said that you played for West Ham Yeah Oh no I thought anyone would see through that I did a I had a spoof autobiography where I thought, let's just get every Cockney cliché and put them all in the same thing.

So it was born in a workhouse, born in a workhouse while my dad was being hung at Highgate or Newgate Prison, got deported to Australia, joined a gang of pickpockets in Cockney, London, who preyed on the rich. He's never shagged Mary Poppins. You weren't a driver for the craze then, no?

No, no, no. That's what we say to somebody. Oh, my God. He's read the whole thing. To be fair, it does say that you were a mature student, you studied cultural history. Yeah, I did do that. Yeah, that's correct.

So I'm not off by a job. Because that's not a cliche about people from the East End. I even said I even said I was in the small faces I thought I've got to think of every Cockney thing possible

you know what Cockneys are like they've always got BA we'll play for West End cultural history Joe for the craze so what was it like pretending to drive for the craze

it was fucking dangerous follow up question but when I went to India I went to India when the comedy store first went to India this is prevalent because we're going at the end of the year we're going to India so any advice well I went to India I went to India when the comedy store first went to India this is prevalent because we're going

at the end of the year we're going to India so any advice well I went well I went to India with Don Wald to do a promotional tour of stand up comedy

because Don Wald was opening the comedy store in India and can I just tell you that while I was in India I was in there anyway we went there and I

they found that spoof biography and when we got there on the found that spoofed biography. And when we got there, on the front of a newspaper, ex-child pickpocket becomes comedian. Because they've got that kind of child poverty ghetto thing over there. They bought into that whole me being a street kid. One of us.

And being a pickpocket. And they believed the whole thing. And they were phoning me up to ask me to be interviewed about what was it like being a pickpocket and a child criminal and what did you do the interview in in india yeah they were phoning up the hotel on a regular basis again can we speak to jeff because we want to do a story about his his poverty ridden childhood he probably called you just unbelievable but while i was there this was a when i was there yeah yeah well we were there at one easter i was there, this was a... While I was there... Yeah, yeah, while we were there one Easter, I was there with a few of the old... a few other Comedy Store gang.

We were walking around trying to get a drink in Mumbai. And do you know they closed the off licences at Easter because 200 years ago, the British, who were their colonial masters, told them they couldn't drink. And do you know they're still doing it? So me and a few other Comedy Store veterans are walking around mumbai trying to get a drink being the victims of british colonialism and all i could think was i could get a drink back home in east london at east of 24 7 and off licenses run by indians but we could have got a drink because some geezer said,

come with me, I'll get you a drink down some alleyway. But the others didn't want to go. Oh, yeah. I thought there's a few of us. I've been to Marrakesh, the only beer we found. He was like, come with my friend. He was going, no, no, let's not go. I'm going, come on, it's all going to be all right.

There's a few of us. Also, if it goes wrong, it's a story, isn't it? But so love being in India. India is just fantastic mumbai was just fantastic did the food make you shit no well i because i i i think it's about spicy food i mean i think you will have problems if you eat food off the street okay so that's what if you're eating food in the hotel okay which hasn't been rinsed in tap water except you're okay but if you're used to eating spicy food you'll be okay if you're not then you're probably gonna have problems anyway it's not about it being being dodgy it's just about you your body not used to eating spice i can do a bit of spice apparently if you avoid the

meat and go for the veg options, that's even... No, I'd never do that. I think you're just being white about the whole thing, really. I think you should just relax. I'd be more Indian about it. Well, yeah, just go over there and just relax about it. What are you doing over there? You're doing the podcast over there.

We're doing a 500-kilometre cycle. You're what? We're doing a 500-kilometre cycle. what? We're doing a 500-kilometer cycle. For charity. Oh, whoa. In eight days. Whoa. So we're not just going to be in nice Mumbai hotels

paid for by Don Maud and the comedy show. We are cycling all across the country. It's in six days, though. What Don Maud used to do as well is we used to do two weekends and get to stay. So you'd weekend, stay the whole week in some... We stayed in the Taj Mahal uh hotel as well that that one that got attacked by by terrorists a very posh hotel um so yeah it's a full-on brilliant

one of the best times I've ever had and the audiences get you but now what's happened like a lot of these countries they've got their own comedians now yeah they're seeing a bit like hip hop it's like hip hop when's this about 15 years ago you first went. I can't remember what it was. Because now you see a lot of them on TikTok and they're smashing it. Yeah, they are. They've always had a rich history of political satire in India. So it doesn't surprise me that they've got stand-ups.

Where else is your favourite international pick for gigging away? Because you've done... China. Really? The only thing with doing a gig in China is you do a gig, two weeks later,

you feel like you've got to do another one. Sorry. I couldn't resist it. That's the sort of quality you get on the tour. That's the kind of comedy you're getting on the smart, casual tour. New tickets available. When does the tour start?

Well, the tour started in January, and the first leg finishes in April, and then we resume in September. And there's dates I've got to mention. Yeah, we've got dates coming up here for you. Oh, you've got those on the screen, that's good. What's the website, Harry? jeffinnocent.com slash tour.

jeffinnocent.com slash tour. And if we just go up a little bit. So they're the ones that... There's too many for us to sit in, unless there's a lot. We're looking to particularly, obviously I'd particularly like to mention, I think it's in October

when we're coming back to Liverpool. Is it there? That is Sunday the 20th of October at Hot Water Comedy Club. Manchester, Chorley, Huddersfield, Southampton,

Luton, Guildford, Portsmouth, Brighton, Nottingham, Birmingham, Red and Cheltenham. This is a fucking hell of a time.

You're playing everywhere. All over the world, mate. All over the world. Jeffinnocent.com. Go and watch Jeff live. It's fucking exceptional comedy. You know, it's been so fantastic. You've been there before me,

but going out and performing to people that have come to see you specifically, such a joy, isn't it? It's insane. It's an absolute joy. It's the fucking best. It's just a fantastic thing to do. And you're not there in the dressing room

taking the piss. It's great. Well, there's no one else to take the piss at myself, then. But there there's no way I can take the piss out myself then. But there are no stools involved in this tour, all right? You won't see a stool

on stage. You're really anti-stool. I'm partly anti-stool coalition. Why? Well, I mean, partly because it's just a nice thing

to whine other comedians up within the green room. I'm a big fan of a stool. But also, I think it's, I've got to be careful, it's your podcast. I'm a big fan of a stool. But also I think it's, I've got to be careful, it's your podcast. I think it suits some people.

Generally I find it a little bit contrived and manufactured and hey, I'm going to talk about some serious shit now. So I'm sitting down. Let me sit down. You know. I never sit on it.

I just use it as a table. I don't want a table. I think when, the other thing of course is when you're doing 20 minutes, you don't really need a table do you what's it for

bottle of water in 20 minutes I also when I you're going to need water in 20 minutes I'm being careful because it's your podcast

but you can take the piss you can let it go but like sometimes you know if I'm doing an hour an hour fair enough and I have a little

towel on it and I dab it like I'm an old black comedian I have someone come on and do that yeah but I think when I have someone come on and do that.

But I think when I see stalls on stage in clubs, you know. I know, I like a stall. Also, sometimes clubs are quite small and I don't want anything on the stage. I like a blank canvas when I walk on. Oh, yeah, you're allowed to state a preference, but you actively think it's naff when someone asks for a stall. Yeah, I think it's a bit naff, yeah. And I don't know who started it but uh i know i know the thing where you mean when you're like guys we get a little bit more but there never used to be stores i mean for 20 years there was never a stool on stage and i don't know why it's become an american thing i think yeah oh is it

yeah i thought it was always a thing i thought it was just no no part of the deck like deco i think it's more an American you see old American clips in the stores there sometimes I've seen acts they'll be doing their stand up but they've got something they want to

want it to come across as more meaningful they sit there on the store yeah yeah yeah so anyway Billy Connolly used to have a store you know my mum died last year and he'd think

oh here we go we're going to get this stuff now I've seen someone do that juicy go and watch Juicy ladies and gentlemen youtube.com this stuff now. I've seen someone do that. Go and watch Juicy, ladies and gentlemen. YouTube.com slash have a word pod. Some truths, man.

He nearly fell over, so that's why I had to have a stool. Shall we have a break? I did fall over. I didn't black out. All right, cool. Join Juicy.

See you in a bit. By the way, just so yous know, sorry, Geoff, you weren't here for this this was last week but the the Luke Combs festival

in Florida sold out sold out no oh god I shouldn't have waited till now to say I can go and I want to go

never mind never mind I got the tickets I actually did book them and you just said you want to go I can't go still what

I still can't where are your business partners you've just been outposted you're going but also it's an old life I was absolutely like you tell your missus it's me job I can't go still. What? I still can't. Where are your business partners? You've just been outposted. You're going. It's an old life. I was absolutely like. You tell your missus,

it's me job. Jeff, Adam's got a dream and he's had it. It's a lifelong dream that he's had since last Wednesday to go to Florida to watch Luke Combs play because he's never watched him live

apart from the four times he's seen him live. Twice. Twice he's seen him live. So we've shat on his dreams and we never get to do anything like the idea of adam going to america and us filming a patron exclusive patron special that week and then topping it off with luke combs live that's what he's always wanted and yeah a lot of people would say you gave that to him in april last year was when we did that but he wants it again and it's surprised when some of us are like dickhead we've got lives but you know it's because we're cunts so i don't even know luke holmes's yeah oh okay you're in the

brother is he a stand-up comedian he's a he's a funny guy he does uh he's a country artist sings country music oh yeah i do. Do you like country music? Yeah, I do, yeah. I don't believe you. Yeah, I do. Well, I mean, up until, I mean, I like 60s, 70s country music. I like Americana, you know, like Neil Young and that kind of stuff. I'm not sure country music completely, but enough. What's your jam?

What's your jam jam? Well, Jamaican music is my favourite, yeah. Do you DJ? Or is that another line? Yeah, yeah, no, that's true. Harry's lost confidence in all his music. He's worried about this mouth stripping thing. How about that?

Is that true? No, I still do that. During lockdown, I had a programme on a radio station doing Reggae Revival every Thursday, a three-hour show on, I can't remember the name of the station now. There's so many. But yeah, that's what I do.

I mean, that's what I used to do. There were some famous Jamaican artists, like Sean de Poil. Who? Sean de Poil. No, no. Bob Barley's pretty famous. Okay.

Sean de Poil's Jamaican, isn't he? Isn't he Depard is Jamaican isn't he isn't he is he Jamaican yeah I know he likes Sri Lankans yeah we're trying to learn Bob Marley is Jamaican everyone's staring at me yeah thank fuck for that thank you

what's dancehall oh my god I sounded so white what's tooting the maytals I like them they're good I've got a couple of their vinyls Oh, my God, I sounded so white. What's tooting the Maytals? Maytals? Yeah, you're making, yeah. I like them. They're good. I've got a couple of their vinyls. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Not messing. I've got so many vinyls. Well, I really know I'm out of London here, sadly. Cleopatra? Who? Never mind. Cleopatra.

Coming at you. We're going to do some celebrity encounters. Finn. Is that all right? Finn. I nearly called him Finn. Harry, should we do some celebrity encounters. Finn. Is that all right? Finn. I nearly called him Finn. Harry, should we do some celebrity encounters? Because we've asked that out to the lids,

if they'll let us know if they've ever had any weird celebrity encounters. Have you ever had any celeb encounters, Geoff? Well, I don't know if it's weird as such, but it was an encounter. I don't know if this is worth it, but I'll try it anyway. I was briefly in a film a football film called um mean machine mean machine yeah yeah i know your i know your line in that film what i know what jeff's line in that film is oh yeah that's so funny because i had one line i well i had more lines but i fell out with the in on the filming i fell out with the whole production this might be a good story

because in in my contract they were allowing me to go and do gigs in the evening while we on the filming I fell out with the whole production team, this might be a good story because in my contract they were allowing me to go and do gigs in the evening while we were filming but when it came to the day they didn't want me to go so I had some big you know, so I had a big sort of cockney argument with them

so I walked off the set so they got somebody else to replace me for the other bits so there's bits in the film where it looks like it might be me but it's not actually me they got somebody who looked a bit like you stood on the top yeah where we're doing the commentary but um so I did that film with Vinnie Jones but my line the reason I know the line is I had one line and then for about 10 years all the local scullies were knocking on my door and opening the door shouting out the line off the street.

That's on bloody English, is that? Yeah, that's it. It was basically Vinnie Jones, he's a crooked football player. He's bent. He takes a bribe

to throw a match. He gets banged up as he's coming into the prison. All the other prisoners are all standing around watching him and I get to shout out 63 caps for England and you get to shout out 63 caps

for england and you saw your country out in a game that's some bloody english that is and that that was my line yeah yeah so but the the unusual encounter was to get the part i um and actually with it with an actor who was in lock stock a a Scouse actor, I forgot his name now. Stephen Gray. He might be mixed race. I've got a little Ratlock on one. I've got him on Facebook. Do you know who he is?

Anyway, he was my... Oh, he's in Lockstock. He's in Bread with the curly hair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we went to, we had to go and audition as a double act because they envisaged us being a bit of a double act in the movie. So we had to go around to Vaughan's house. What's his name?

The producer, Vaughan. Matthew Vaughan. Jake Abraham. No. That's him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's not. Jake, yeah.

What? It's not Jake Abraham. The guy in the machine. This guy? No. No? You're all losing your fucking mind. And they think it's him.

Oh, the one who spits loads. Yeah? Yeah, I know who you mean. Oh, you know. The one who's in the 51st Station. He goes, hey, you're pissing on your fucking mind. And they think it's him. Oh, the one who spits loads. Yeah. Yeah, I know who you mean. Oh, you know. The one who's in the 51st station. He goes, hey, you're pissing on me fucking boots. Yeah, he's in Skins as well. This is the most scouse IMDB ever.

No, that's wrong sculpture. He's called Madison Twatter in Skins. Right. He's in Skins. So we know who I mean. I know exactly. He's called what? His name in Skins is Madison Twatter.

He's a drug dealer in Skins. And he spits loads. He's known for being really like... So we had to go round to Matthew Vaughan's house to audition for this part by Adlib in a bit of a double act. But we had to wait in Claudia Schiffer's bedroom because that's who Matthew Vaughan was going out with

at the time or still is. But while we were in there, we were mucking about and I opened the wardrobe and I saw all Claudia Schiffer's shoes and they were quite big and I went, I reckon that'd fit me. So I was trying on Claudia Schiffer's. Then they opened the door while I was trying on her shoes and went, we're ready for you now and caught me trying on Claudia Schiffer's shoes. But on for you now, and caught me trying on Puddy Ashavis' shoes.

But on the set, but what had happened is, on the set, Madonna turned up with Matthew Vaughan, who she was going out with, she was married to, what's his name? David Chyra. Yeah, yeah. And she got out of the car, so we're all standing there, because it was a very blokey film,

it was about football and prison. It was very, I don't even think there were any women in the film, one maybe, and so we were all hanging about on the set. Madonna got out and we were going, oh, there's Madonna. And she got out of the car and she looked at me and she went, Jeff Innocent. She came over.

You're a funny guy. Like that. So Madonna, yeah, that's- Madonna? Madonna, yeah. So they'd been watching the videos that my agent had sent in to see, you know, so she'd obviously been sitting there watching me do stand up comedy. So they'd been watching the videos that my agent had sent in to see, you know, to see.

So she'd obviously been sitting there watching me do stand-up comedy. Did you say anything back to her? Yeah, did I go back to Madonna's? No, did you say anything back to her when she's like, you're a funny guy? I'd have gone, Madonna, you're not really for me, but you've got a couple of bangers. Yeah, not really.

I mean, no. I mean, I've got all the other blokes who jumped on me and started beating me up. You know what blokes are like in those situations. That's cool. I don't know if that's an unusual encounter, but it is. It's pretty weird. Is that weird? To have one of the most famous pop stars in recent history.

Yeah, that's what I thought as well. Well, history together. I go, Jeff Innocent. You're a funny guy. Yeah. I saw you at What For Junglers. Yeah. Scouts actor is Stephen Walters.

Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a good actor, him as well. Yeah, he's a proper scally actor. Yeah. But he's one of the little,

like, smackhead pill monkeys in 51st State, which is one of my favourite films. That might be on my Rushmore next week. Ooh, stay tuned. Smackhead pill monkeys?

Yeah. Is that a... You know exactly what he means? I do, I do. I just have never heard that turn of phrase before. Well, that's all language is, Dan. Smackhead pill monkeys.

Language is me painting a picture for you in your head And I've just done it accurately So what are you whinging for? No, nothing I'm not a smackhead pill monkey anymore Harry Shall we do some celebrity cowers? Take that form and make it work

For us So this one is from Robert Harding We think my sister Louise has a gay guardian angel in gok one as every four to five years she randomly bumps into him in bayton stoke shopping center walking along brighton seafront and even won tickets to a virgin media customer raffle to go to a carl cox comedy night where gok one happened to be there carl cox comedy night i go to that he's a dj club night sorry yeah comedy night. I'd go to that. He's a DJ. Club night.

Sorry. Yeah, there you go. There you go. That was, you know. Yeah, dancing around with all them smack head pill monkeys. You're a major cock one,

aren't you? What? Did you forget? I've kissed him. I've kissed, I've kissed Carl. You're a major one, aren't you?

He tolerated me being his warm up man for the four bookings that i honored and they regretted after booking number two yeah he's like seven foot he's is at least eight foot yeah yeah hands like shovels what have you heard about god he's dead tall yeah and he loves clothes i say he's six two oh really okay yeah If you could have a celebrity guardian angel, who would it be? Not God Kwan.

Why? Gordon Ramsay. Wow, fuck me. Jesus. He's just cool as fuck, isn't he? Gordon Ramsay's like the coolest guy ever. I love him. Yeah.

I think someone hard. I don't want to like... Jeff? No, I want a proper guardian angel. Like someone like Emma Thompson. Oh, she'd be nice. That'd be nice. She'd be looking after you.

She's just a good woman, isn't she? Wholesome mother figure. Anyone? Emma Thompson? Nanny McPhee is my godmother. Come on. Emma Thompson. Oh, yeah, yeah. my godmother. Come on. Emma Thompson. Oh, yeah, yeah, from Love Actually.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've seen Nanny McPhee, though, haven't you? No. All right, cool. And she's also the one in Harry Potter who's like, my prophecy wants more! That's it, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, she gets sacked.

Sybil Trelawney, she does get sacked. Cool. Because you shack once every four to five years you just have this yeah shack would be good I don't think any of you know what guardian angels are I don't think these people are

I think she's seen Gough one four times and gone looking after me but yeah and actually he's got a restraining order out against her

what's the next one so from Callum quick one I once saw Warwick Davis go past me on a segway how tall was the segway that's a good question

you can get small segways it's from Liam Cawley random celebrity encounter on several occasions seen Chris Kamara walking his pet donkey around the village I don't think these

are encounters anymore you know I think after like a couple of weeks of our content, of new features, our listeners lose all concept of what they're actually about. Celebrity encounters is not just, there's Chris Kamara over there with a donkey.

I mean, that's a pretty strange... That one is. I think it's not worthy though. If you see Chris Kamara with a donkey, or the person they said, Chris Makarna, Chris McNamara. Chris McNamara. Jackie McNamara. The Rolick Davis one isn't an encounter.

He's just gone past them. You have to encounter them. You have to like... You could have pushed them off. That would have been an encounter, yeah. Geoff seems really entertained by this, by the way. Geoff's loved this little bit of interaction. Shall we do some confessions?

So with these Jeff people write in and tell us the worst things they've done and we in a very Catholic way I don't know what religion you were raised as

we decide whether they are absolved and they don't have to do anything or we can give them some penance to sort of pay for their sins.

You'll have to excuse us there's a bit of a there's a you can't hear it but it's about to kick off here mate. Banging. excuses there's a bit of a there's a you can't hear it but it's about to kick off here man banging uh this is from anonymous confession here boys i'm a pale white lad from south shields and i met my wonderful fiance at uni who is sorry don't do it gotta yeah you can't do it like a radio dj uh confession here boys i'm a pale white lad from south shields and i met my

wonderful fiancee at uni who was originally from trinidad we had a family over for a meal one time and i'd say i said i'd make some sauce only i left the prep too late and ended up going to the shop buying loads of caribbean barbecue flavor reggae reggae sauce putting it in a jug and passing it off as my own it went down a storm and her family who were a bit hesitant about their daughter and niece being with a white lad took a shine to me instantly i never told anyone including my missus that the sauce wasn't mine that was six years ago and every family occasion they asked me to bring my famous spicy white boy sauce which i do and no one has any idea do i do i need penance no i think you've just done what it takes to impress the family. They've obviously got a bit of a stick up their arse and all that,

and they're trying to judge you. And you've just done what it takes to get in their good books. Stick up their arse. Oh, you're not good enough for my daughter, unless you can pass off reggae reggae sources, you know? Is that all it takes? That is a low bar. Isn't it?

Easily impressed, judgy cunts. Fuck them. What do you think, Geoff? I think he's potentially made life difficult for himself in that he's got to keep bringing out this sauce every time now, isn't he? And all I was thinking is it reminds me of the time when I first used viagra with my

wife and i didn't sell her she thought and it really worked a treat but it meant i had to keep taking viagra every time i thought we're going to be having sex and sometimes you weren't having sex so for months i kept just taking viagra and not actually using it can i I ask you a personal question? I'm just thinking about that bloke and his sauce. Every time their parents come round, he has to keep making up the sauce just in case. And also, if they by chance just have any reggae reggae sauce anywhere, they'd be like, this isn't reggae reggae.

This is spicy white boy sauce. I don't think most black people fall for that reggae reggae sauce. I think that's for a white market. So I think he's done well. They're probably laughing at his sauce. Did you have to finish yourself? I mean, once you've had Viagra and then nothing happens,

what are you doing there? You just riding it out? Well, yeah, yeah. It's not what you think. I mean, it's only there when you need it. You don't walk around knocking stuff off of tables and that. like a superpower you get a warm head and you do get all the other side effects like uh snotty nose temporary blindness headache if you're

used to taking class like drugs that sort of stuff's nothing but if you're not it would probably freak you out temporary blindness yeah you get because of the blood's rushing around, you get a kind of blurred vision. But I'm used to it. I'm a smackhead pill. I was on Viagra at the moment. Mine wouldn't go away afterwards, my boner, with the oil three inches.

How long for? Three inches. No, like a while. We didn't say a week. A while. A while? We didn't say a week. A while. A while. More than a day? No, a good few hours when you're like,

I'm done with this. I don't want an erection anymore. Well, can you imagine doing that on a weekly basis when you don't even get to use it? And it costs a fortune. That was the biggest problem. Can I imagine getting a boner on a weekly basis and not getting to fuck anyone?

Imagine that. That sounds like slow torture. Next one. I think he's done well to guy with the sauce. No penance. No, I don't think so. Absolutely no penance. In fact, penance for them for not just letting their daughter

be happy in the first place. Yeah, you lot. You get to have fucking shite bottled sauce for the rest of your life. That's your penance. This hang of crabs. This is from anonymous. Crabs.

Is that a new one? Nah, that's an old school Scouse one now. It's in the book. You fucking crab. That sort of started as like someone shit a footy. You don't want him on your team, he's a crab. Yeah, like Henderson's a crab. He only goes sideways. Anonymous. Wag wag lids. I's a cnab. Yeah, like Henderson's a cnab. He only goes sideways. Anonymous.

Wag-wag lids. I have a confession that I genuinely never told anyone. Basically, I have a bit of a guilty pleasure where if I'm at a gig or a rave or a busy night out, I'll go to a particular packed group of people and absolutely drop my guts,

do a massive fart, and then I'll wait around until people smell it and take a sense of pride in their reaction to it as I know I'm the one who's made that awful smell. I'll wait around until people smell it and take a sense of pride in their reaction to it, as I know I'm the one who's made that awful smell. I'll even do the thing where I put my collar, I put the collar of my top over my nose

and shake my head as if I'm disgusted, but really I'm smiling to myself. Do I deserve penance, or is this just a bit of fun? It's a bit rough, that, isn't it? It's just a bit infantile, isn't it? It's just a bit infantile, isn't it? It's a bit infantile, isn't it? But I just think people who get genuinely bothered by farts, like their fucking nuclear toxic gas,

just need to grow up. Crabs. Oh, crabs. Absolutely. Jordan Henderson's the light. I fart a lot, right? And is it a crime? Is it a crime?

Is it a crime to have fun farting? No. Farting is good on your own. I farted before on the couch and Harry looked at me like, come on Adam. He was sat a good five yards away from me. That is like the circle of freedom. It was more the fact it sounded like a

fanfare trumpet. Yeah, but that's five yards. You think there is a sort of no-fly zone with this sort of thing? If I'm here... Five yards. If I'm here... Yeah. And I fart,

none of you can say anything. I can. No, you can't. Because it's you. No, you can't. I wondered at what point this podcast was going to reach this level. Oh, this is about two and a half years ago.

You wouldn't... You'd never move. You'd just sit there and go, that was me. Yeah, no, from here? Yeah. Yeah, because we know each other well enough now that we can just shut up. Would you fart next to someone on the bus? Yeah. Would you, yeah? Yeah, and then they'd move.

Two seats. Feet up. I just don't think they're a big deal, like, in day-to-day life. I think if it's a stranger's car. I understand you're trying to, like, be attractive. This guy's going in and doing it on purpose. It's funny. It's a bit rank.

It's funny? It's a bit rank. It sounds deviant. What if he got a nuclear weapon? Bosh. Off I go. There's a bit of a sex thing here, I think. Sex?

Yeah. Is he on his own or is he with mates? I think he's just trying to have a laugh, Harry. Is he going to club nights? Fucking come. Is he going to club nights on his own or is he with mates? I think he's just trying to have a laugh, Harry. Is he going to club nights? Fucking come. Is he going to club nights on his own? That's weird. If he's going to club nights just to fart.

If he's going just for that, if he's buying a ticket just to have that experience, that's not good, is it? But also if he's with his mates, then surely he has to leave his mates group because otherwise his mates are going to know, oh, mate. He's like literally, it's New Year's Eve.

Yeah, it'll be packed in. Dirty boy. What do you think he plans? He plans his evenings Year's Eve yeah it'll be packed in dirty boy what do you think he plans he plans his evenings yeah yeah yeah so where there's going to be most people big fart night

oh fucking boxing day what do you mean what am I doing boxing day the Queen's funeral there'll be fucking crowds everywhere but it has to be

an indoor kind of event though doesn't it otherwise it's not going to work would you fart at a funeral what would you fart at a funeral I probably have that's what they wanted

it all depends who it is yeah yeah 12 bomb salute if Adam dies we're all we're all going for a curry you can't fart on the front row

of a funeral why because that's like close family innit that's mad innit you can't be sitting there crying and farting but if I'm on the front row

then I'm close family as well, so they all know they know me. And they're already weeping. Yeah. It's just not a big deal. It's just a little bit of puff. Everyone does it. Okay.

Let's do a couple of other words and round this bad boy off. Let's do it. I hate the little moments where you have with your friends. This was going to be the whole podcast. I hate the little moments where you have the tunes on and I don't get to buy them. No, you said it was great. You said it was a moment of peace.

I'm fine. This is from Anonymous. I tell a lot of lies, Dan. I'm not going to lie to you. I know you do. It's just a bit of puff, isn't it? Anonymous. All right, lads.

I have a word with my mate. Every time, this is serious, every time we're on a night out, he's on the rob, stealing anything he can, usually people's phones. He says it's to fund his nights out because he's not getting enough shifts at work. However, the other night at a house party,

he robbed some lad's phone that was connected to the speaker and the music went off. Everyone was onto it. We were kicked out and he's starting to give the group a bad name. Have a word. Geoff, you were a childhood pickpocket, weren't you?

A childhood pimp? No, no, no. Not stealing people's phones. That's out of order. You can't have that. Yeah, that's rough. No, no, no. To fund his nights out. What are you doing? Selling them? Yeah. Selling them back to the people

that have robbed your phone. And also, what kind of nightclub has a fucking phone What are you doing? Selling them? Selling them back to the people that have robbed your phone. 100 quid. You can have it back. And also, what kind of nightclub has a fucking phone plugged into the speaker for the tunes?

I think they're at a party. Oh, right. Okay. They're at a nightclub. DJ's setting up. Yeah. Sorry, yeah. It was a house party.

I think it's... Mate, if you've got a mate who's robbing like that... You're a minesweeper, though. That isn't... You're a minesweeper. What's that?

Someone who robs bevvies. You love robbing a bevvy when you're drunk. What are we talking about? When you're drunk on a night out, you rob bevvies. No. You fucking do. Not in...

There's no policy involved. What do you mean? I don't go, I'm going to have a minesweep. When have you seen me do you mean i don't go i don't have a mind sweep whenever you see me do this i don't think i've ever been on a night out with you where you're more drunk than me where i'm more aware than you are and i haven't seen you just go around and just sweep me what are you that is the biggest misrepresentation what are you talking about you're the mind sweeper no i'm not judging dan no this is red what are you going red for because stop panicking

this is what a load of shit it's not what a load of shit best place to mine that is the biggest load of bollocks ever it's not yeah it is what you've completely made that up do you remember on my 30th 30 when you minesweep one of mine and as i come back in you were like oh this is yours is this the one instance where i've drunk your beer if this is just the only one that i remember talking to you about where i know for a fact you can't deny it yeah i was fucking steaming that night yeah and you don't get steam another night but yeah i do but i don't go around going great great i'm gonna save a bit of money i'll have a mindset i'm not saying that's what you're doing it for maybe it's for sports maybe you're the klepto, but you are doing it.

I've never seen it. So what's happened here is on one night, his birthday, I've grabbed a beer that I thought, because it was Moretti, wasn't it?

Everyone had bottles of Moretti and you've gone, that's mine. He's a fucking klepto, minesweeping, disgusting, and he's skint. Does it literally

every time we go out? I'm not even judging you. But it's not even real. Okay, cool. Best place to do it, Dan. Best place to do it, the Guinness factory. Because everyone buys a Guinness as one, puts it down and gets one.

Mate, if you like Guinness, just pay, it's about 40 quid, isn't it? Is it about 40 quid? And just hang around up there all day, mind sweep. I'll be there as well, it's what I do. That's why I keep going to Dublin for all the free fucking sky guineas you lying swat.

I don't know why you're so bothered. I don't know. It weirdly pissed me off. It's really bothered you? It's pissed me off. You don't want me to talk about this, do you? It's a complete mistruth.

Dan, what's the biggest thing you've ever robbed? I've robbed a curtain pole with Adam. Yeah, that was great what on it from a where from a shop what we did Geoff we took it

me and Carl used to play a game we won't name the shop the range it was the range we'd fill our trolley up and take it to the till in the range and the game was

you've got to try and get something out without paying for it, but they have to sort of have seen it. You can't be like putting it in your pocket. You can't hide it. You've just got to try and just get it out. And I just left the curtain pole in the trolley,

put everything else on the desk, and then pushed the trolley to the end of the till, but with the curtain pole still in. Stealing in plain sight. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because then if they go,

have you paved that? I get to go, no, no, no, curtain pole, sorry. Scan it. I thought thought you'd scanned it i thought you beeped it another one we've done or may not have done uh you buy you buy bins and you fill the bins with things and they just scan the bins yeah they don't open the bins more for them more for them that's the range again yeah i think my uh my dad stole a kitchen i know it feels like there should be more to that but he they went to b and q one you know one of those massive palette movers yeah and you know everything's good just got a barcode yeah but there was like five things on this quite a big order and i think the person on the i don't

know if they were new just thought it was like all part of the same thing. Just scan one barcode. And my dad and my stepmom watched them go, all right, cool, that's 89 quid. And they were like, it was about 400 quid of stuff. They just thought it was all interconnected. It was one barcode and just waltzed.

That's really sad. Which is fine, isn't it? Just gonna, I think if that was all part of the same kitchen. Yeah. I don't think he robbed the kitchen. I think he just got an 80% discount. Yeah.

Geoff, what's the biggest thing you've ever stolen? I can't remember. Nothing? No, I'd have to think about that. You never lie to anyone? I certainly wouldn't talk about it publicly. Geoff's old old school mate. He's like, nothing.

It's all chill. Nothing, officer. Can't get fucking... It's like trying to get blood out of a stone. He used to pretend to drive for the Crees. Last, have a word. On anonymous wag wag lids. I'll make it work.

Will you? You fucking legend. It's because I'm still pissed because i went to just started drinking everything and i was in a coffee shop what so you wag wag lids uh i'm a welsh lid uh please keep me anonymous though i need you to have a word with my dad in the past few months months he's taken up paragliding lessons i think it's a midlife crisis he's enjoying it so it wouldn't normally matter but the lads at school have found out and have

started referring to him as the Flying Nance and have given me the nickname Para which has been shortened from Paracunt. Have a word to my dad for having a midlife crisis and leading me to have the royal piss taken out of me or give me advice on how to shake the nicknames.

This is a lesson in not telling your mate at school about your dad's gay little hobbies. You just don't let people find out about it. Is it gay to paraglide? Come on. How do you have lessons in paragliding, though? How does that work, you know? You know what I mean?

What point you're going to have to just jump out of something, aren't you? Well, hang on. What's paragliding? You've got a big... You've got the bar and the wing. The Del Boy one. Are you pulled along by something

or are you jumping off of mountains? Are you jumping off a hike? And it looks like you're in a sleeping bag. I think you do. Yeah, like a hammock. Your legs are in a little hammocky thing yeah i don't want my dad paragliding i thought paragliding was off a mountain holding on to a thing could it be both of those things no no no you don't hang you don't hang down though do you you're like yeah

you're parallel oh yeah parallel to the you're thinking of fortnight i'm thinking of Fortnite. I'm thinking of James Bond. Oh, yeah, there's that too. If your dad's doing stuff like this, how have you let your friends find... If my dad was ever paragliding or skateboarding or fucking, I don't know, playing with his marbles or something,

no one at my school is ever finding out what my dad's up to. He's a painter and decorator. It's an honest day's work. That's all you need to know. Have you ever had any mad hobbies, Geoff? No. I like filing my nails.

I don't know if that's a hobby. It's not. It's less dangerous than paragliding. I like manicuring my nails. I do it when I'm on the train, when I'm in the green room. Pretty much as soon as I leave here. I don't know if that's a hobby. I don't think it is a hobby, no.

No. No. I like it, though. Have you ever had anyone whinge about your... Never. No, it's you, isn't it? Not even the craze when you were driving them round. They used to love it.

I used to do their nails as well. Not even when you were the ambassador for Papua New Guinea. The Krays were sent to prison as well in the 60s. I clocked that. I was like, he's an eight-year-old driver. In my head, I was like, Jeff's like, yeah, I'm a fuck. He's a massive eight-year-old. Don't drive, Jeff.

I went for a coffee with my mum yesterday and told her, I was like, oh, yeah, we've got Jeffff in tomorrow i was like i've got this research and he was like so what when was he driving for the craze i was like oh maybe they were doing our jobs for yeah he was eight that's why they call him innocent he's so young well when i was doing the lovely nails when i was doing the research and i typed in jeff innocent on tiktok if you scroll down past your comedy clips it comes up with theories about why Epstein was framed. Oh, because Jeff Innocent. Is Jeff Innocent a stage name?

It is, yeah. Yeah. And you had that from the start? I did. What happened was there was, in the mid-70s, there was a criminal called George Davis who got arrested for something that he didn't do. And all his mates got together and did this G. Davis is Innocent graffiti campaign all around East London.

I think it might have been the first Is Innocent campaign and there was still some of that. They dug up a cricket pitch before a test match. It was a big full-on campaign. And my name is Jeffrey George Davis. So I was on a bus and I just saw that graffiti. I thought, oh, that'd be cool. You know, to be just call myself Jeff Innocent.

So that's where I got the name from really. So it's still connected. It's cool. It would be sick if your real name was Innocent and you got that in court and they were like, right, stand up, Jeff, Innocent. And you'd be like, ah, no badness. Make your middle name. Make your middle name is.

You can't go back on it now. Yeah, you said Innocent. Yeah, too late. Let's call that a pod. Jeff, good luck with the tour, man. It's much deserved. Thank you very much for inviting me on. It's been a pleasure hanging out with you.

Thank you very much. JeffInnocison.com for his tour shows adamrow.co.uk for mine danlightingale.com for Dan's and Fiend's shows which is essentially a tour

even though he's not calling it one Harry Finn's got a song Finn does have a song that he's has Finn put one of those fucking things

in your inbox for us to play outside episodes so it's an alt rock grunge band from Newcastle. Yes. Called Swamp Rats. Swamp Rats, mate.

We're Foot and Swamp Rats, mate, and this is our song, Being in a Swamp. It's a rap with two A's, and it's called Blue. This is their first single. Blue? I love some of that. Foot and Blue Lake? Love some of their stuff.

I'm Swamp Rats, and this is Foot and Blue Lake. Barf, Lucy. Blue Lake love some of that stuff I'm Swamp Rot and this is Fotton Blue Lake bye for now I don't want to see the world Like anyone else I just want to go to sleep for a while. And I don't need your second hand sympathy, baby. Just someone to hold my hand and guide me through. Thank you. Why do I carry on? Drink more beer, drink more beer Can't you see all I need? I'm so broke, I'm so broke Broken since I grew up I see the light at the end

Of the road Been seeing it for a while now And the truth is that I'm too scared To tell anyone I don't see myself getting by. Won't get past anything. Got no friends. Got no friends.

Wanted to. Couldn't do. I'm so blue. I'm so blue. Why do I carry on? Drink more beer, drink more beer Can't you see all I need? I'm so broke, I'm so broke

Broken since I grew up Got no friends Got no friends Wanted to Couldn't do I'm so blue I'm so blue Why do I Carry on

Drink more beer Drink more beer Can't you see All I need I'm so broke I'm so broke. I'm so broke. Broken since I grew up. I'm a man now I'm a man now. I'm a man now. I'm a man now. you you