Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #270 with HAW All Stars (Eshaan, Freddy & Brennan) - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: March 31, 2024

Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan Nightingale & Fiends Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.ukComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsCheck out Finn's music: https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20Supreme CBD | https://supremecbd.ukStress less and sleep better with Supreme CBD using code WORD40 at checkout to get 40% off sitewideFüm | https://tryfum.co.ukHead to tryfum.com/HAVEAWORD and use code HAVEAWORD to save an additional 10% off your order today.BetterHelp | https://betterhelp.com/word10Get 10% off your first month!NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Become one of the lids:https://patreon.com/haveawordpodTickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comFind us everywhere:https://haveaword.pageDiscord:https://discord.gg/haveawordpodFollow the podcast, our hosts and our guest on social media:Have A Wordhttps://facebook.com/haveawordpodhttps://twitter.com/haveawordpodhttps://instagram.com/haveawordpodAdam Rowehttps://facebook.com/adamrowecomedianhttps://twitter.com/adamrowecomedyhttps://instagram.com/adamrowecomedianDan Nightingalehttps://facebook.com/danhasapodcasthttps://twitter.com/danhasapodcasthttps://instagram.com/danhasapodcastFreddy Quinnehttps://twitter.com/freddyquinnehttps://instagram.com/freddyquinneEshaan Akbarhttps://twitter.com/eshaanakbarhttps://instagram.com/eshaanakbarBrennan Reecehttps://twitter.com/brennanreecehttps://instagram.com/brennanreeceADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening, lads? Just before we kick this week's episode off, just to remind you, my tour runs all the way through until the end of May, and I've still got some really big shows coming up, including Cardiff, Blackpool, Leeds, Huddersfield, York, and of course, Liverpool at the M&S Bank Arena. They're not the only dates, though.

Go and check them all out. Full listings at adamrowe.co.uk forward slash tour and help bring home the biggest tour I've ever done. It's been an absolute dream, and I'm so excited for the rest of the schedule Dan?

If you want to see me live this year dannightingale.com I'm doing Dan Nightingale and Fiend shows all around the country they go from March right through to November

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Get on me. You know what I mean? Enjoy the episode. Like the video as well and subscribe and ring the bell and all that. Helps us. Cost you nothing. Get on me. You know what I mean? Wag wag leads. You're listening to the funniest podcast in the game from the heart of Liverpool with Adam,

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The very best products on the market for below the waist grooming. Go Ed, get on me. Welcome to the Have A Word podcast. Adam's had a haircut. Yeah!

Adam's fucked off to America where he's always wanted to be. God bless. And we've replaced him with not one legend, but two, because Freddie Quinn and Ishan William Akbar. Thank you. No, it's not. My English name genuinely is Hugo.

You're such a fucking Tory. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was given to me at school. Oh, was it? Was it? It was Hugo, yeah. Because they refused to say your name. Well, no, so basically we were just like playing a game with the non-white people

of which there were four of us and decided to give them white names. And one of the guys was a black guy called Keith. And they were just like, we're going to change his name to Mugumbo. That's disgusting. We were 16. were 16 no 14 it was fun sorry you did you go to boarding school yes yeah yeah yeah i was a boy i was and there was four people who weren't white yeah and you were were you mates together the in betweeners the in betweeners

that's the common interest of not being white all covered not quite because I'm not going to say the actual name so one guy was

into drama right and he's a poet now he does poetry another guy was tall and black so he played basketball was that Keith

no that was I can't say the names. And then there was the other brown guy who was Indian and he went on to become a doctor.

Yeah. And then Ishan Hugo Akbar. Are you the most successful? Yeah, probably. Non-white? Ever?

They're all fly. The most successful non-white ever? Barack Obama. It's between Malala Yousafzai and me, isn't it, really? One's a basketball player. What was the first one?

One's a doctor. What was the first one? And one's a fucking drama teacher. Ishan, what was that first name you just said? Malala Yousafzai. Malala Yousafzai. I don't know what that is. Oh, Malala.

Oh, you're making it all blend into one. Yeah, you're giving it like Asian roots. No, no. Her name is Malala Yousafzai. Do you think she's the most celebrated non-black ever? Non-black? It's Barack Obama, surely?

Okay, we can't include black people in this because they've got cultural significance. We're not in your school anymore. I'm too hungover for how fast this has gone. How have we gone from the racial bullying at your boarding school, by the way, way too quick,

and now we're talking about Barack Obama. What? I think he's the most celebrated non-black person. You can't have Malala in this conversation. If Malala walked past you on the street, you wouldn't even know. Fact. Until you got past her,

you saw the hole in the back of her head. Yeah Yeah exactly She's so That's awful That's the worst Thing I've ever said She's very Identifiable

But what I mean is What I mean is Freddy's here ladies and gentlemen You wouldn't You wouldn't recognise You wouldn't recognise I don't know what Meloda looks like

Yeah you'd know No no I don't Cause she does She looks like she's got downs But she doesn't oh god she's the worst like ross kemp ross kemp all i'm saying is like i don't know what she but was barack obama this might be a lock-in i would totally i'd totally get barack obama like if like you'd see him coming a fucking mile away

you'd be like it's fucking barack he You'd be like, that's fucking Barack Obama. He's a man who's got aura. He's got an aura, doesn't he? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whereas Malala's just... Imagine if you saw Barack Obama a mile away and went,

he's coming, isn't he? Barack Obama. You actually... Even if you thought... Barack Obama. Even if you thought that you saw Barack Obama from a mile away,

you wouldn't say it for how racist you'd be if you were wrong. Like, if he was just a black guy, you'd go, is that Barack Obama from a mile away? By the way, and that's why I think it's harder to spot Barack Obama from a mile away than Malala Yousafzai. No, no, no, no. Right.

Name me any, like, if you got up three similar-looking girls of a similar age, you wouldn't be able to tell which one was mine. Oh, Freddie, you sound so noncy when you say things like that. She's like 20. Overwhelmingly noncy. She's like 20 years old. I know, but you said it like she wasn't. All right, okay.

Well, all right. Take the similar age out of it then. Get an 80-year-old and a three-year-old and we'll see how difficult that game is. You need to have something similar. I'd be looking at the horizon going, is that Barack Obama? I'm pretty sure.

Who's the most famous Asian person ever then? Amongst who though? Asian people? Gandhi probably. Who? Gandhi. Gandhi probably, yeah. You'd see him coming from three miles off and you'd hear the flip-flop. Yeah.

That wasn't bad. Is that his footwear? His sandals. Flip-flops. Are you fucking flinching at that? My lawless fucking head wound. And you're like, oh, my God. Flip-flops.

Flip-flops just sounds quite racist. Okay, who's the most famous White person ever Why are we Why Right East come on Every time in my head

I'm like Let's not do the race thing With East Sean And East started And then you go No I didn't No yes you did And then afterwards

You go It's always about race And it's always about Asian stuff No no no Hold on Who's the most famous Non-white

He's asked that question Not me Ridiculous We've got Barack on no who's the most famous non-white he's asked that question not me ridiculous we've got barack obama gandhi who's the white david beckham of all time what beckham over like elvis but there's kids in the street yeah of course beckham over elvis has everyone gone insane what you're insane listen in, in rural Mozambique, they're not talking about fucking Elvis, are they? You think David Beckham's the most famous person on the planet right now? I'd say Trump. I'd say Taylor Swift's more famous than David Beckham.

Are you? Insanity. That is ridiculous. Every single person you'd meet today would be able to go, that's David Beckham. I probably shouldn't be able to do it with Taylor Swift. In villages around the world, they're not listening to Taylor Swift,

but they're playing football. Taylor Swift but they're playing football yeah but they're not knowing David Beckham's face that's insane maybe Ronaldo Cristiano it's got to be a footballer, Ronaldo or Messi probably Messi

my grandad my nan would have known who Beckham was she would have known who Messi was you're saying that like she's dead she is dead yeah well who gives a fuck about her I mean, obviously, like, my nan would have known who Beckham was. She would have known who Messi was, over and over. You're saying that like she's dead? She is dead, yeah. Well, who gives a fuck about her life? She's not part of this conversation.

She isn't. Most famous person in the world. Your great-great-grandma would have known who David Beckham is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She died in 1938. That's mad, isn't it? That's how famous he is. My nan was born in 34.

You what? My great-great-grandma was born in 38. I'm really glad you fact-checked me on that one. Is Hitler more famous than Beckham? Yeah, but he's not got the same right foot, has he? I'll say this about Hitler. Right foot?

So welcome to the Have A Word podcast. That was the weirdest seven-minute start to this podcast in history. David Beckham, Gandhi, and Barack Obama. That's done. And I say Trump. For now, for now. For right now, yeah. I think yous are over-egging David Beckham.

I think you're over-egging Elvis. Elvis maybe wasn't the best example. I think David Beckham isn't in the top five. What? What? Oh, Finn. Come on. Of course he is.

He's very famous, but I think there's more famous people that more people would recognise. I'm replacing Adam here, aren't I? So I should really bang on the table and go, no, a country singer no one's heard of is the most famous. Luke Holmes, yeah. Luke Holmes.

Teddy Swims is the most famous. Oh, we're going to see Teddy Swims next year. Are you? Probably. Probably. Oh, you'll join in with anything. That made me sound like a right-spin bass. I think Teddy Swims... Sorry for wanting friendship. Jesus.

I think next year we'll probably be watching Teddy Swims in some part of America. He's a real guy. A real guy. Teddy Swims in some part of America. The sun has got to hold me lately. Though I don't know myself anymore. Teddy Swims? Yeah. Oh, my God. I just punched a dog to death.

That was his big hit. I just punched a dog to death. I just punched a dog to death. You do court friendship a lot. Is he real? Yeah, he's real. He's got lots of friends. And he's a singer as well. Is he real?

Yeah, he's real. Yeah. Oh, I thought you just made up a fucking... I know, Teddy Swims is real. Oh, shut up. That was his song I was singing. What, you thought I'd made a person up? I thought you just literally...

It's the most ridiculous name I've ever heard. Teddy Swims! I thought you just made a country singer up and went, oh, what, like, Teddy Swims? But you said you were going to see him. Like, Jeff Nibbles. I just thought you'd... And I just rolled with it. You just rolled with the joke? Jeff Nibbles. I just thought you'd... And I just rolled with it.

You just rolled with the joke? Jeff Nibbles! It's equally ridiculous. Adam's probably taking us to watch him as well. Jeff Nibbles supporting Teddy Swims. No, Teddy Swims. Let's all make up fucking names. But he even sung some Teddy Swims.

We didn't know that was that. I thought you were just riffing a song. No, that's what... That's his song. Oh, great. I didn't know that either. You're too hung over for this, won't you?

I punched a dog to death a hit as well. Did I just accidentally riff one of his biggest tunes? He's got one called Please Turn Green and he's also got one called 9-11.

Oh, this is 9-11? We can't copyright it. Oh, yeah. He has got a song called 9-11. It might be 9-1-1 but it is called 9-11. Somebody call 9-11. I don't think it's 9-1-1. What was that? What was that accent? That's Jeff is called 911. Somebody call 911. I don't think it's 911.

What was that? What was that accent? That's Jeff Nibbles, he's Asian. Jeff Nibbles. That was his white name, is it? That's his crunchy name. Ishan Akbar is Jeff Nibbles. Did it introduce the guest?

So, um... Jeff Nibbles is the guest. So, Ishan's here. Hello. I don't know if anyone has worked that one out. And Freddie's here. Oh, yeah. Last minute.

So, because Adam's not here, we've just decided, with a bit of a hangover because we did a special last night, to roll with the madness. Well, Freddie and I don't have a hangover. I don't have a hangover. Yeah, but that's so frustrating because I've watched you booze

and you were out till late o'clock. Yeah, you were leathered. I just got three drinks so there to get better. Nobody's just immune. I would fucking kill for a hangover. I would die to feel how you're feeling right now.

I'd love a hangover. So Freddie's converted to Islam. Yes, I am. Inshallah. Mashallah, sister. Yeah, doing Ramadan. Yeah. Which is right now And I didn't have to ask you

Sean when Ramadan was I always knew Yes You're not drinking that water though are you No I'm just looking at it To remind me Of the sacrifice I'm making

To People Less Fortunate Yeah Yeah Ramadan Why

Why can't you drink anymore As the doctor said Basically You'll die Freddie Yeah so Oh you got the news back Yeah. Yeah! Why can't you drink anymore? As the doctor said, basically, you'll die, Freddie. Yeah, so... Oh, you got the news back? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it on Thursday. So I have heart failure and I'm probably always going to have heart failure.

So I'm going to be on medication for life and I'm not going to be able to drink. Hold on. If your heart's failed, how are you living? I'm sorry? Heart failure means it's not working. It's a broad church. It means it's not working. It's a broad church. It means it's not working optimal.

I have, I can't believe. I know what I'm gonna say. I'm going to tell you what the doctor told me and I know you all gonna laugh and take the piss, but I'm going to do it anyway, knowing that you all gonna be okay about it. Can I guess what he said? I love a bit of cunnilingus.

Sorry, go on. It's serious, shut up. I've been told by two separate doctors that I have a baggy heart. I like that. I like that. Is that... When he says baggy, does he mean...

Too much lemo, isn't it? Yeah. Is it a lemo thing or is it a fat thing? Is it a what? Your baggy arse. You just look at it and go, ooh. Just critiquing your clothes. Where's this doctor?

What, sorry? Did you just go round someone's house and go in his garage? No. You've got a baggy arse, buddy. A cardiologist and a GP. Oh, no. What does baggy heart mean? It's sort of, it's too big, basically.

Oh, full of love. I think this is... Is this a Jeff Nibbles song? I've got myself a baggy heart. I went to see a cardiologist in a garage. All the ladies said it was too big. Oh, God. Will you help inflate my baggy heart?

So even if my heart... So there's been no change in the saggage of my ventricles. How long has it been baggy? Did you have a baggy heart as a toddler? We don't know. Did Legionnaires save your life then? Pardon? Did that save your life?

No. Because you wouldn't have found it because you wouldn't have went to get checked? But we don't know whether or not it was even active before that, really. It's chicken and egg. Don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally.

So what they basically said is even if the medication starts to work and my heart starts to firm up what they will take that as is a sign that it's working you should continue down this path and you should absolutely not drink you can never drink ever again no until i hear from a doctor that i can but they've said like no but why does the alcohol affect your baggy heart uh because alcohol affects hearts in a negative way, Ishan. Does it? Yes. Yeah.

Why? Come on, Hugo. Get to speed. This is a private education you've had. The alcohol goes into your bloodstream and your heart pumps that blood around you. No, it doesn't with you because you've got a Bengali superpower

where you get pissed but then never feel the effects of it. Yeah. But to everyone else. Have you ever had your heart checked? Yeah. Recently? Yeah. Have you ever had your heart checked? Yeah. Recently? Yeah. Have you ever had a hangover?

No. Never? Yeah. And you've only been sunbathing? I did, about a month ago, I did like a full body MOT. Got the blood tests and I had to go in to go through my results.

And there were a couple of, obviously I'm a bit overweight and there's a couple of things that I need to get on top of, but basically it's to lose weight. And the guy was like, surprisingly, you're in pretty good shape. And I was like, what?

You've never met before. Why are you saying surprisingly? He's saying it because you're fat. He's looked at you and gone, you're fat and you're asking for an MOT. You're probably fucked. And then he's gone, right, let's check knees. No, you're fine.

Let's check heart. You've got baggy heart written all over you. Oh, yeah. I tell you what, this is a textbook baggy heart. Surprisingly, it's not. You're going to see Jeff Nibbles next week. Love it. I just want to make it to another Jeff Nibbles concert.

I'm basically fine, which is also genuinely a surprise to me. Because sometimes I feel like my heart pinches. What do you mean? That'sff nipples come on every so often i just feel like my heart's just like pinching quite firmly at what there's younger lads listening to this going what the fuck are these old fat twats talking about honestly it fucking younger lads it fucking comes at you quick it comes at you check age comes at you fucking quick. But you look... Both look infinitely healthier than you did six months ago.

Both of you. I've never looked better but felt worse. Like, legit. I would rather look like a fucking fat bag of shit and be able to drink whenever I want than fucking... Don't look at me when you say that. No.

You're in perfect shape. I'm in perfect shape. You're looking great, Hugo. Thank you. Surprisingly. So you can never drink? I mean, I don't drink no you're in perfect shape i'm in perfect shape you're looking looking great hugo thank you surprisingly you can never drink i mean i don't drink so that i'll get over that quickly but you love a baby don't you it's it's my entire like no one likes it's it's a lot for me so it's how i socialize it's how i relieve stress yeah it's pretty it's pretty much the thing that i do and i really enjoy doing so it is fucking were you an alcoholic freddie i don't know so so here's the thing is i didn't think i was an

alcoholic but until someone said you can't drink anymore you got a baggy heart i've been sober now for seven months and i crave alcohol every day yeah you're an alcoholic. It's mad, that, isn't it? No, you're an alcoholic. It's not mad. That's quite common, yeah. But yeah, I still massively... What? Just craving it makes you an alcoholic? Well, yeah, because you need it.

You're wanting it all the time. It's not wanting. It's not wanting. You need it to... If he needed it by now, he would have done it and be dead. I'm struggling about whether or not I was or I wasn't. I think...

That's not... Alcoholism isn't you can't stop drinking, you're dead. It's struggling about whether or not I was or I wasn't. I think... Alcoholism isn't you can't stop drinking you're dead. It's a spectrum, isn't it? People get... There's different versions of addiction.

It's not like when you get rabies with water. They're drinking though. You're not an addict. You're not in a gutter somewhere. No, no, I know but they're drinking though, aren't they?

But if you drink every day and then when someone goes medically you've got to stop and you're pining for it. You know when people go on Instagram and I'm seven months sober

and life's so much better. Freddie's coming on a massive podcast to go, it's shite. It's absolutely dreadful. It does sound like a version of alcoholism, doesn't it, to me? Well, to be honest with you- And he's doing the right thing

and he's doing very well. To be honest with you- It sounds shite. I think retrospectively, I probably was. At the time, I would have said absolutely not, no. But retrospectively,

considering how hard it's been to knock it on the head i i still struggle like mad like last night when we were in pogues i fucking hated it you look good though i thank you thank you but i i hated it because i being around drunk people when you're sober it's fucking horrible freddie if you're seven months sober and you're not enjoying being sober going to pogues where everyone's shit face is not it's never going to be easy otherwise i don't want to like avoid the situations like i want to just put myself in them but the thing is is like when i was sober like when i was drunk sorry and i used to be talking to somebody pissed that i didn't want to talk to i just used to to be able to go, oh, I need to go. And then I just leave them.

And then that's fine. But now I'm sober. I can't stop a conversation. And it's just drunk people just shouting in my face. And I'm too polite. I'm like, I can't fucking stop it. Make that noise. The conversation will stop.

I would walk away. Just go, hey, shut up. I've got a bag of art. That'll end it. I'd rather feel really bad for you, but you know. What's it, what are we going to,

what's the old, let's come on. How do we support you? You've given us the problem. Let's find a solution. What's going to be your thing? I need to replace it with another vice. Okay.

Become a joiner or a carpenter. They use vices. Clip it. Are you coming down the pub? I'll just use me power tools. Yeah? Yeah.

So here's the thing as well, right? I love pubs. Fucking love a pub. Pubs, when you're sober, do not want you there. They do not want you anywhere fucking near. Correct. Mad Freddy. Where have you come up with that?

It's like, but that was like my happy little place, an ice pub. And now they're like, oh no, we don't want you here. Why don't we go into business and start a load of like alcohol-free pubs? Like all these mocktails. What, you mean a cafe?

No, we're doing food. They'll do non-alcoholic cocktails. I'll tell you what they are. They are fucking rip-offs because they charge you £7.50 and it's fucking juice. Yep. Juice? What, sorry? Juice. Oh, juice. No. They are fucking rip-offs because they charge you £7.15. It's fucking juice. Yep. Juice?

What, sorry? Juice. Oh, juice. No. They charge more, don't they? But then... I know you've got a vendetta going. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But can we... There's no... You know... There's loads of... It's not always about your thing, is it? Chill. Fucking hell. There's loads of pubs out there where... There's loads of spaces It's not always about your thing, is it? Chill. Fucking hell. There's loads of pubs out there where...

There's loads of spaces, like Shisha cafes. I'm not going to Shisha cafe, am I? That's not a bad shout, though. Yeah, I've tried Shisha before. We tried Shisha together. Do you remember? Who you and I did? Yeah, in London.

Did we? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you remember that place near Vauxhall? Oh, yeah, we did. I really didn't like it. What, Shisha? Yeah. Shisha's class.

Thank you. It isn't. It is. I thought it was like gay smoking. It is. I think it is. In Vauxhall.

Wow. It's gay smoking for goths. It's gay smoking though. It's like, there's a big ornate vase and everyone's got flavoured tobacco. It's lovely. It's gay smoking. Is that right? Yeah, I mean,nate vase and everyone's got flavoured tobacco. It's lovely.

It's gay smoking. You all right? Yeah, I mean, I've got nothing against it. You sound like you fucking do. If I smoke, I want to feel the cancer. Freddie, you can't get into sheesh. No. It would be so obnoxious.

Sheesh kebabs. Sheesh kebabs. Just Freddie turning up. Don't mind me. That bubbling sound. Go to Switzerland. My lungs have recovered, so I could probably take up smoking again.

What was wrong with your lungs? Legionnaires. Oh. So I've got 95% of the function back. He's got soggy lungs. Another Jeff Nibbles. I got a baggy heart and soggy lungs. That

did you have a word for, didn't it? And a squelchy scrotum. Finn's going to have to write this. Don't, yeah, not smoking,

is it? I tried smoking weed, but I'm not like, I used to love smoking weed, but now I'm like. Edibles? What, sorry?

Edibles? Nah, they play with my fucking stomach, man. Pick one. Yeah. Yeah. You like it better? Yeah. Well, part of the medication that I'm on, man. Pick one. Yeah. Fuck your stomach up then?

You like it better? Yeah. Well, part of the medication that I'm on, I get really bad stomach pain. So I wake up in the middle of the night and stuff. Reading. Prescription medication? I have tried reading a bit, but I'm not really like...

Can't read. All the words just become... What about if you finally give music a chance? What, listening? Yeah. Or singing? Both, either. Pick up an instrument. Yeah, become a singer. You don't have to do the second one. chance? What, listening? Yeah. Or singing. Both, either. Pick up an instrument.

Yeah, become a singer. I'd love to. You don't have to do the second one. Yeah, Freddie, become a singer. I need advice. Singing. You can't stop singing. Freddie Quinn is Jeff Nibbles.

Do it. Freddie keeps turning up to the pub and ending conversations by singing to people. My baggy heart no no i try to let you go you'd be dirty fingers would you dirty fingers yeah yeah old dirty fingers i can imagine you doing jazz me yeah clicking in the dark did you see did you see his little promo for his tour yeah exactly i think that's where i got it from yeah that could work we did that fabric studios where we were at last night yeah we fucking with will um right there absolutely smashed it only took me maybe four hours to to memorize 90 seconds of a song you smashed it smashed it i'm the world's worst

actor so you know like when people do a tour like when adam did his tour with uh les dennis and like you know when people do the tours and that yeah and they're like oh guys i don't know how i'm going to sell out this tour what about if we did this you know and then it's i cannot physically cannot act i'm the worst actor in the world so i just need thank you for giving us an exhibition of that just mate legitimately i can't do any acting if you give me a scene to do i fall to bits should we give you an acting lesson now yeah dan you're good aren't you and he's famously sex education yeah i'm an actor other official roles have you got the other role like no no no i mean good because it would have broken the yeah we were saying it would have ruined it not because

of you it just would have taken us out of it Yeah, we were saying it would have ruined it. Not because of you. It just would have taken us out of it a little bit. I like to not know anybody in that show because of what it is. Hang on. Give me a secret. Hang on, hang on. You can't have that conversation.

No one knows what you're talking about. Is that a show that he... Can we say? Can we say? Oh, yeah. Ishan was up for Black Mirror for the next series. Which would have been incredible, but also ruined it a bit.

Yeah. Because I'd have been like, oh, I see into the world. There's a brown mirror over here. which would have been, it would have been amazing. Also ruined it a bit. Cause I'd have been like, oh, I see into the world. Brown mirror over here. He's not allowing it. Is he? Is he?

Oh, there you go. What would you have done in black mirror? Taxi driver. Yeah. It's already been done. Andrew Scott. That's a yellow card surely. What would you have done in Black Mirror? Taxi driver. Yeah. It's already been done. Andrew Scott. That's a yellow card, surely.

No. We can't give him a card. You can't invite Freddie on and be like, oh, that was awful. That's ridiculous. That's what we pay him for. What would you have done? What was the role? It was a while ago,

but it was basically like, I was going to be like this policy person, policy advisor in the department. You would do well for that, I think. Having been one in the past. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I was like a bit of a spy type dodgy figure. That would have been so good. So that's going to be an episode of the

next series you were a policy maker yeah i was a policy advisor what policies did you make i was uh i did for the department of communities and local governments i used to advise councils on how to look after the which era of government is this there's a coalition years oh clegg clegg cameron yeah yeah famously well run famously well run yeah and they cut a lot of funding it was the austerity years right so i've always thought like what like if i was in charge for a day and could push one thing through what would you push through i always had an idea for like a poverty pen so poverty pen like so you know like people people who run job seekers for too long and it's like you need to go out and you need to earn some money.

What you do is you pay them minimum wage full-time. They have a job. But their job is they're in a pen in the town centre. And their only hours are just as people are going to work. So half seven till half nine. Yeah. And then again, half four to like half six. Yeah.

And people just get to just abuse them as they're going to work. So like you go, you fucking piece of shit. You fucking scrounger. And then they go off to work and then they get some of the, they get some of their energy, their bad energy.

And they go, I feel better for calling. But these people who are in the pen, they get paid like a full-time wage for four hours work. And they're not even working. They're just sat there just like, yeah, yeah, I'm a dickhead, aren't I? Fucking hell. That sounds like just like a BDSM thing where you're paying people to be shouted at.

Exactly, exactly. Everyone wins. Everyone wins. Do you think that's what people want to do? Do you think they want to shout at poor people I think

I think that everyone's got repressed anger that they need to take out on somebody in the town centre at 8 o'clock in the morning yeah so you're going to work

and you go you fucking knobhead with your fucking shoes or whatever and then you go take that get off that bitch

yeah and then you you go on the way to work right if there was a pen in liverpool and you could just call it a pen all right uh holding no petting zoo a petting zoo we're going the other way all right let's go with area zone a zone and you could go past you could just insult people you go you fucking dick why would people not just go to poor areas on the way to work what why would people just these people are pending okay so you brought them into the town center yeah we're at liverpool one right now yeah right there's a pen or not or not there's a pen around like a like a baby gate around uh yeah and then there's about and there's loads of poor people in there about 12

just okay and then you can go past and you can look at them and you can go you're a fucking cunt just because they're poor just you don't even know

if they're poor you just call them a cunt but we know they're in the poor pen it's got nothing to ah yeah yeah yeah but there's no judgement about that

you just you just get it sounds like there's a lot of fucking judgement you're just getting your anger out but for them what they get is they're only working

two hours in the morning and then two hours in the evening they get a full wage. So they get more benefits because they're working a proper wage. This sounds like a fucking shit idea. Yeah, but then if their wage goes up, doesn't tax go up for people to pay into the party?

Yeah, but that's for Eshaan's side to figure out. But people will be happier paying more taxes because they'll be more productive because they'll have gotten rid of their anger. So it all works out. It's such an evil idea. Why is it evil? Also, you've not solved anything.

You've given a job to 12 poor people in every town. No, there's multiple pens. Oh. Eddies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because the thing is, it's not everyone's way to work is the same, is it? So you wouldn't want to do a detour to get to the pen.

Some people drive to work. How are you fixing that? Oh, drive by once. Drive through. Drive through. Drive through. Poverty pens. Yeah, a little drive, yeah.

It's the most Tory nasty shit I've ever heard. What do you mean? Are you mean to homeless people? No. You could do this freelance if you want. You could just wander around the town centre. Just being a shit to everyone who's less fortunate. If you were homeless and you went,

look, you can insult me as much as you want for two minutes for a fiver, that works for everyone. But why? No, no, wait, hold on. Why would you stand in front of a homeless person and go, I'm going to start screaming at you for being a homeless-

To get rid of that anger in you. Like, the anger that's inside everyone. But that's about refugees. Next to his baggy, baggy heart. Is there an anger inside of everyone? There is with Freddie. Yeah, I know Freddie, but I'm just asking the room. Who, by the way, if he'd have been born 150 years ago,

would have killed loads of people. Yeah, you would have been an executioner. Oh, yeah. I would love that job. Yeah, of. Oh yeah. I would love that job. Yeah. Genuinely love that job. I actually live as we, as,

as we speak, I live opposite a pub that was owned by the last hangman, Albert Pierpoint. And when I was a kid, my granddad used to take me in and my granddad knew him. And maybe we found, maybe we found your vice and it's serial killing. Hang on.

The last hangman. When was the last hangman? Like 1950? 40s, was it? 1940. No, I think it was 60s. I think it's later than what you think. 1957 is my guess.

1961 is my guess. Last execution. 48. 1964. 1964, mate. Holy hell. The summer of love. He missed the World Cup. Can you imagine being the last one hung?

Oh, pissed off. What's that film with the World War I people who died just before the event? Or what is it? All Quiet in the Western Front, is it? Anchorman. Anchorman. No, it's people who die as World War I ends, but people are dying. Do you know what they call it?

Blow the whistles. Oh, the truce. Oh, right. You'd be so sad to be the last one hung, wouldn't you? The last lady hanged was from Rhyl. I know that. Hungry. Is it not hanged?

That's the joke. Oh, yeah. She was from Rhyl. What did she do? She was from Rhyl. I'm not sure what she did. Hungry from being from Rhyl. Rhyl.

What a mad fall of execution I sent you to death for the crime of being fucking minging she did it to herself I bought a homeless lady a family lasagna the other day and threw in two garlic breads as a gift, as a little present how's she cooking it?

me? that's crueler than freddie's just randomly going you stupid poor person some car keys i don't know where the car is uh so there's a couple of months i had to come up by ours so i always walked past them i always go eat hungry and she had a monkey will you get me something so i can cook it in the hostel later she's gone back to to her hostel. Oh, right. I went, what do you want? She went, I'll ready me a lasagna. So I got her a family one and got her two garlic bread baguettes. Yes, they're great.

I didn't tell her. I gave her the bag and then I must have been about 50 yards down the road and she went, oh my God, I love garlic bread. But you got something out of that. 100% of course I did, yeah. Yeah, because true altruism is never a thing. 50 yards down the road,

fucking out, a garlic bread,ism is never a thing. If you're on the road, fucking hell, a girl in red gonna go and man you. Is that Barack Obama? That was literally what you did. I was fucking buzzing. And I fucking hate for it. Of course you do.

There's no selfless good deeds. It's a thing in friends. Exactly. You've got, true altruism doesn't exist. And so, like my thing isn't altruistic. I have anger inside me that I need to portion out.

But why is your anger towards poor people? No, it's not towards poor people. It's just towards people. But you just give it as a policy idea to shout at poor people. I just want to shout at someone. I'll shout at rich people if I can. I'll shout at fucking anybody. So why don't you put rich people in the pen?

Because what's the incentive? They don't want to get in the pen. They've got all the garlic breads they need. That's true. I just felt that. You can't get rich people in the pen because they're like no I've got loads of money I'll buy the pen you'd buy the pen I would buy the pen

ridiculous Tory vibes coming off you Freddie Quinn really? that is a mad Tory why don't we let them out with a pen we'll give them a head start we have horses and guns and we let them out with a pen? We'll give them a head start. We have horses and guns. And we chase them. And then, you know, they're only working two hours in the morning.

Kill a few. Two hours in the afternoon. It's not. It's a full-time wage. Yes, we've blown the backing head off. It's more like bum fights. Do you remember bum fights? That's how Kimo Slice came up.

Yeah, yeah. That's not Tory vibes it's just there's a carnal anger and urge they also control it don't they okay can you explain

where you've got this theory from that people are angry like where is this carnal anger what's your if you're honest with yourself everyone's got an anger inside them I genuinely

as I said today I have but in usual day to day I haven't I do do I what have I got to be angry about

I'm such a happy person yeah genuinely you said that with no joy I'm such a happy person I buy ready meals for homeless people it's not there today

that's why with garlic bread I think there'll be so many people listening to this you get a garlic bread you get a garlic bread Oprah

there'll be so many people listening to this that get get a garlic bread. You get a garlic bread. Oprah. There'll be so many people listening to this that get what I'm talking about. Yeah, there's loads of cycles out there. Go to a therapist then? No, I'd never. Do you know what? It's funny enough, because I was talking to your girlfriend last night

and she told me the exact same thing. To go to a therapist? She said you need to go. Do you know what a lot of people are telling me recently? A lot of people keep telling me that I need to get tested for autism. But when they say it, they never say it like you need to get tested. It's always you need to get tested for autism.

Do you know what I mean? Because you've got it. No, I'm serious. Like you keep making people cry. Someone said you've got cerebral palsy as well. Who said you've got cerebral palsy? A lady. You know, two people from Zoe's Place, the charity that they're raising,

that Finn, I must say, is raising a terrific amount of money for. Congratulations, Finn. Oh, yes! Not got that angry inside you, have we not? Not got that anger? Not an angry guy? I'm so glad that got brought into the conversation.

How do my head hurt? What? So. Are you saving? But who cares if you're all just like. What's that anger? Feel it now.

Imagine if you could just scream in his fucking face. Imagine if you could scream in someone's face. Imagine if there was a pen. I would get in the pen and kill them all. There you go.

You see, this is what the pen is about. It's about regulating anger. But I haven't got usual, I don't hate anybody. But when you have that anger, you want to just, ah, you cunt.

Like that's what the pen's for. I'll give you £10 to not say pen again on this. I'm not even messing around. I will give you that money. Why do you not like that word? Who cares if you're autistic? You're a 30-odd-year-old man. You're a podcaster, a comedian.

It's not... Who cares? No, but I'm... What are you going to do? Get your GCCs again? It's working for you, isn't it? If you have got it, it's working for you. But I don't...

When adults get... I'm being diagnosed, you're like, for what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's it going to... A bit of cash. What cash? The autistic fund. Yeah.

Oh, from big autism? Yeah, big autism, yeah. I also think as well, sometimes adults are like, people don't like me and I'm a bit of a cunt and I need an excuse for that. A reason for it, yeah. You know what I mean? And they go, I'm on,

because I think the worst thing that's ever happened is the idea of the word spectrum. Because what's happened is people have gone, well, I've got one single symptom of this incredibly complex and varied neurological disorder. I am therefore on a spectrum. And you're like, no. Do you know what I mean?

Like, I'm bald. It doesn't mean I have cancer. Like, it's just one fucking... I mean, the rate you're going, you might. Yeah. You've got baggy cancer. Phenomenal logic there. Am I wrong? No, no, no am i wrong on a symptom of cancer all right well what's the symptom it's a side effect of the treatments of cancer

symptom what's the symptom like a like a bad cough i've got if i have a bad cough then i've just got a bad cough i don't go on the spectrum for cancer do i yeah it's a problem with mental health awareness isn't it that it then opens it up to spanners who don't know what they're talking about like identifying with some of that and it must be frustrating if you genuinely are like if you are suffering with some neurodivergence or living through it or surviving it or whatever i have to have someone be like well actually self-diagnosed i'm dead adhd and i've got friends who friends whose siblings or whatever have got serious mental health issues.

They'll disappear for days or they'll start licking lampposts or whatever it is. That's where they are for days. What? Licking lampposts. Just know that. Taste of flowers. What?

What? What level are we going to reach today? Jenny isn't even here yet. As I was saying, these people, some of them are schizophrenic or whatever it is. But because of who discusses mental health stuff, it's all focused on autism and ADHD. And it's adults getting diagnosed. But then I speak to people who work in mental health they go we don't get money for the real serious problems like people

who just see spirits or hear voices because they're like wow you know what because the system is being clogged up by 36 year olds going i need a diagnosis yeah yeah i think that there's sometimes like like it's such a broad fucking brush to paint with isn't it and sometimes there are people who genuinely have got like i know that amongst women autism is massively misdiagnosed and it's diagnosed really late as well because it presents differently doesn't it so they they um they overcome so i think analysis they overcompensate in school by being good at one thing so apparently beautiful handwriting is a real as a way to cover it up so like they go oh she's got beautiful I'm like wow she's really you know she's really

succeed in like excelling and it's not it's them covering up they're not actually known what to do in to make it like dress it up essentially where lads are like like that like oh he clearly has an issue apparently gales covered up loads in school and that's why they never diagnosed listen if you earn you're a kid that diagnosis is important never diagnosed listen if you when you're a kid that diagnosis is important isn't it because you're getting help for your education and your development i just don't see the point when you're in when you're an adult but maybe it's for maybe that's coming from a place of ignorance i don't know yeah but maybe it's also if you're an adult an adult and you know that it's affecting your life in some way or the people around you then

maybe it's worthwhile but actually a lot of the conversations i see particularly in comedy it just seems to be people who are basically having quite a nice time going i'm not getting the gigs i want to get yeah there is a certain there is a certain thing about it like because i because because we all know people we all know people who've got kids with like autism and and stuff who've like you know it's really serious problems and their entire lives are built around trying to you know help their kids who are really struggled to then have a comedian be like i think i'm autistic because sometimes i don't like change it's like oh fuck off do you know what i mean i don't really see many black and brown people with autism what oh you don't really see black and brown people homeless black and brown people very

often do you well brown people anyway you're doing india do you reckon in india now there's a podcast where they're like don't see many white homeless people. Nearly did the voice. Yeah, I nearly did. Nearly did the voice. I heard it. I nearly did. The first word was hard. And the head went. We've all got ADHD.

Every single person in this room. I think 90% of the population has. The second we all finish, we'd all go. Well, then we haven't got ADHD, have we? Then we've just all got brains. It can't be ADHD if 90% of people go. We all feel a deficit from not having our attention

that like tickled. Yeah. We're looking at our phone to get it. Could you sit in a room and do nothing for an hour? Nothing. No, no, no, no.

I'd like to. No. Exactly, but you can't. Are you able to, like, are you comfortable with staying at home alone? There's no one else at home

who's just you. Yeah. Love it. I can't do it. What? I can't do it what i can't do it yeah but that's not adam yeah i can't that's not because you're adhd that's that's extrovert i think that you're somebody who gets the energy from other people energy from other people whereas for me you can't hang out all the people no other people tire the living fuck out of me yeah i do not understand those people who are like, oh, I'm so tired. Oh, John's here. Like, I don't get that.

So you charge in a group. Yeah. You charge from other people. Whereas me and Freddie, we deplete, we give our energy to the group. So then we have to, do you know about like house party at my house? I'll just go and sit in the bedroom

for 20 minutes on my own. He's a great hang. He's a good laugh. Good laugh at a house party. Yeah, yeah. No, but I need to like house party in my house I'll just go and sit in the bedroom for 20 minutes on my own he's a great hang he's a good laugh good laugh at a house party yeah yeah no but I need to like plug myself in for a minute right twice

you're like Adam you charge in a group as well yeah twice last night I went for a piss and I didn't need a piss I just didn't want to talk to these people anymore

and I just I just went for a piss and then I just stood on my phone for a little bit until I felt like you didn't like go and pretend to piss

no no a piss level of time it'd be so weird to be at a urinal with a guy just like and then I just stood on my phone for a little bit until I felt like- You didn't like go and pretend to piss? No, no, a piss level of time. It'd be so weird to be at a urinal with a guy just like pretending to piss. Yeah, you're just standing there. But you have to go and charge a little bit, don't you? Give yourself some- When I was talking to Sarah last night, me and you-

You went for a piss. So similar. All right. So she was telling me about something that you have that I have and I've spoken about in the past. I don't feel like extremes of emotion, like extreme highs and lows. I just have a base level of happiness

and it's just like, I'm always a six. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Like I felt, again, this is a very privileged position to be in. We were in the sea in the Maldives, heaven, like paradise. And she's like, this is amazing.

And I was like, I feel exactly the same as me being sat on the couch. Same, and also well hell also as well i'm happy i'm like this is good but i'm not like i honestly i don't if i got a phone call now and they said um congratulations freddie you are gonna be um you've won 10 million congratulations for the hearts not baggy yeah yeah i'll be like that's great news like that's that's the level or congratulations freddie you're going to be on the next season of live at the apollo whatever i'll be like all right okay like six honestly it's just always a six always a six but the birth of your first child six six six and a half but like 10

pints of guinness seven but then we get the benefit of noffee on the low lows yeah because if somebody said like oh you fucking you know you there's been a house fire and everyone's hot like this is why the fire service shouldn't employ 5 year olds to break news

excuse me Mr Quinn. There has been a fire and everyone got really hot. And now they are not alive. What a way to break it. Everyone got hot. Do you know what I mean? Freddie, you fucking idiot.

Everyone got hot. Yeah, we get the benefit of not being like low, low, low, low. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then we also don't get the... Do you do this as well? Right. And again, this is... Who said that?

Either I'm going to have a kindred spirit with you or you're going to look at me like I'm insane. Do you do that thing where you will fantasize about worst case scenarios so that you desensitize yourself to them? So I always think about like my parents dying. Yeah, we've spoken about this. So last episode we spoke about this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I will go through the worst case scenarios in my head so I'm ready for it. Same. So in my head. That's not me making something up. Like if I've got like, I don't know,

something coming up, like, I don't know, hypothetical, I've got like a doctor's meeting. I'll think of the worst thing, so I'm ready for it. I won't make things up, like me parents.

So I do it to desensitize myself to it. So I think about it all the time. I can catastrophize a lot. The plan is, is that one day my brother will ring me and be like, dad's dead. I'll be like, plan is, is that one day my brother will ring me and be like, dad's dead. I'll be like,

right. He got really hot. Well, he got hot. And now he's cold. He's dead. Yeah, he's dead.

Do you know what it was? Is I wanted to say dead dead and then for some reason i was like don't say dead it's weird and so my brain went to perished and i was like that's weirder and i panicked because i'd given it too long my brain just went hot just to check you think about you basically have a little fancy about your parents dying. Yeah, yeah. Catastrophic things like that. Do you catastrophize? It's not a fantasy.

Jov said she was driving home on the motorway from like, she's gone to see her mum. And she hasn't answered. She's been a bit longer than she should have been. And she hasn't answered the phone. In my head, she's crashed the car. Do you do that thing where like, if you're in a shopping centre and there's loads of people, like it's Christmas or whatever, you sit this one out, Christmas.

I like Christmas. If it's like a shopping center, it's busy, right? Do you not think, what would I do if terrorists came in? Like right now, if you heard like gunshots, how would I save the day? Every man knows the escape route. Save the day! Save the day!

No, no, no, I'm escaping. Freddie! I saved 280 people's lives. Six out of 10. I never thought anything. Yeah, I love you. Everyone's like, Freddie, Freddie. Do you not do that?

Do you not go, right, this is what I do. Every place I'm in, I know my escape route. Okay. I think that's a man thing. I know altogether. was one of the man plays wasn't it a couple of weeks ago someone always plans how they'd escape if someone came in there i am out that door and i'm not going down to the bottom of the fire exit because there's someone waiting there i'm jumping onto that roof and going down this so you go in a room and you so we went to nando's before yeah and you like jason born i'd run to the kitchen because i know they have to have a fire exit yeah but going down there. So you go in a room and you, so we went to Nando's before and you,

like, Jason Bourne. I'd run to the kitchen because I know they have to have a fire exit. Yeah, but you actually thought that, did you? You walked in and went,

am I going to have the loomy sticks and where's my escape? It's not a conscious thought, it's just, if it happened. I just acted like that without even thinking about it.

Yeah, I get you. Do you know what I think when I go to Nando's? I can't wait for my lunch. Yeah. It's going to be good this. I don't think,

who am I shooting first? I never have these thoughts at all. And I think- You're on the attacking side. Yeah, that's exactly why. I knew that was coming. I knew that was coming. We all knew it was coming.

We were just waiting for it to happen. Do you not have those thoughts though, Ish? No, because I'm a normal human being. Yeah, so you hear, bang, bang, bang, get everyone, get down in the lobby. What are you doing? That second.

I'm like, oh, Carl, Carl, hang on. Yeah, we hear bang, bang, bang. But I in the lobby. What are you doing? That second. I'm like, oh, Carl, hang on. Yeah, we hear bang, bang, bang. But I already know what I'm doing. Then I'll react. But I don't walk into a place going, right, if the terrorists come. Like, the thought process doesn't. I know my escape plan from everywhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I get that. It's not a conscious thing. It's like when you're on the tube and you know someone's a bit too close and you just kind of, you just adjust yourself. It's just, you know. You what? Like you think, oh, pickpocket or whatever. Oh, as in you adjust yourself to not fuck him?

No, no. You think, ah, I'm going to put my hand on my phone so I know. If I was on the tube, I would climb up onto the luggage rack. I'd climb onto the luggage rack. There's no luggage racks on the tube. Isn't there? No.

I'd get on the train then and I'd put bags over me so I wouldn't die. Oh my God. You can't get off a train, but I'd put bags over me. What about? So I wouldn't die. Oh my God. You can't get off a train, but you'd have to hide. What if... Okay, what did you do on a plane? When you got onto a flight? I would be the person who organized to kill the terrorists.

Take them down. How? How? I don't know. There's more of us than them. You'd say, I need the toilet. And then they're like, there's no toilet. And then you're like, no, I need to gonna shit everywhere and then they go all right go okay

terrorists have taken over a plane they've they've tied up the captain yeah all of the flight attendants are tied up yeah there's a terrorist with a gun and you go excuse me sir yes what what what's your problem I need a wee why why I'm going to shit everywhere do you think they're going to be like

no try not to make it that racist do you think they're going to be like oh yeah I know we're going to blow this plane up and fly it into something but this guy needs a poo

like I think they're going to make you because you know they're going to kill you in a bit yeah but they're like go on go ahead they don't want to smell do they also with my guns it has to be close range because you won't get them on the plane

I would go there's more of us than them three people might die taking the stabs but we'd all kick their shit out Freddie's in the toilet pretending to poo I'm pretending to poo I'm pretending to poo but what I do excuse me Mr Terrorist I'm just flat out here but what I do... Excuse me, Mr. Terrorist.

I'm just flat out here. I can't deal with this anymore. I just need a quiet 20 minutes. Hear me out, because I'm redeeming myself. So I'm in the toilet. I'm pooing. All the terrorists are there. What I do is I take both shoelaces out,

and then I use the shoelaces to sneak behind one of them. Like that. They don't even hear. You, no, who else? You see what I'm doing and you decide to distract the other two terrorists. No, I'm inside the fucking, the tree trolley. I've pulled them out of it, didn't I?

Okay, well someone else, Finn, you decide, you realize what I'm doing and you're like, ah, so you start singing Laura's Gone or something like that. And then they're like, oh, that. Put me out of my misery. Yeah, yeah. Come on.

And then I've already got one of them. And there's only two left. Carl's on the roof. No, I have pulled all the drinks out of the trolley and I'll be hiding in there. Yeah. And by this point, one of us has seen that you're doing this and we're going to shoot you.

No, you haven't got guns on a plane. It's all close range weapons like knives. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm going to take a child. Is it? I'm not coming with a phone. I'm going to take a child and say, if you carry on. They're dead anyway.

What? The kid's going to be dead anyway, aren't they? Why would the kid be dead? The kid's not dead yet. We're not flying the plane into anywhere. But you plan to. Yeah, eventually. Yeah, so the kid's going to die anyway.

It might be a hostage situation rather than a... Yeah, so I'm going to take the kid and say, look, if you carry on, I'm going to... Is it my kid? Slice. Yeah. I haven't got kids. Yeah, yeah. I won't take the kid and say, look, if you carry on, I'm going to... Is it my kid? Yeah. I've got kids. Yeah, yeah. Sometimes the complaints

will be false. Ishan, you can't win with Carl like this. He'll just always do that. I've got kids. No, no. Stupid. I'm not even on the plane.

I'm at home. I don't even know why. I didn't take the flight. Yeah. Shall we have a little break? Because my head is fucking mangled. An insane 50 minutes of my life. Fucking hell.

See you in a bit. And we are back. Section two of four. Four? I think so. I think so. It could be five. It could be nine.

We can't do nine more of that first section. Finn, my love, I feel a little ropey because I drank, as my daughter would call them, dirty beers last night, and I want you to do the prep. Thank you for looking after me. I've got some stuff. We all feeling a bit playful. Yes, always.

He's a murderer waiting to happen. I'm a six out of ten playful right now yeah yeah yeah i could play but i'm not dependent on it we've got some man play so i don't know i don't know if you've been here while we've been doing this feature so essentially it's the stuff that men it's also opened up to women just do on their own like when you do stupid shit on your own that if someone saw you do it they'd be like we're not the stairs and all fours uh people make like cups of tea blinds yeah someone wrote in someone wrote in and went this is a woman play one and i went nah that's a man refused to accept that women can play at home just doing stupid shit anyone anyone but we needed a jingle for it so ishan you're very musical yeah i follow you on instagram great follow thank you

and then out of nowhere you give us this beautiful music and just start singing yeah so if we could have a a man play jingle from you that would be great oh i wish you'd asked me this before so i could prepare for it no that would be too much it doesn't need to be longer it needs to be short it's just whatever you feel in the moment okay like man play do something like that needs to be short. It's just whatever you feel in the moment. Like, man, play, do, do, do. Something like that.

No, Carl's done it. It's done. Carl's done it. Man, play, do, do, do. That's fine. It wasn't loud enough. Can you do it? Okay.

Hang on. Let me just introduce you. Here's Jimmy Nibbles. No, go on. I'm a man and I play, yeah. I'm a man and I play, yeah. Let's all play like men. He's doing the offbeat.

That's interesting. That was really good and then these two can't clap. No, I went offbeat. I went offbeat. Come on, it's jazz, isn't it? Right, the first one we've got is from Hannah. She says, My dad opens his bananas by resting it on the worktop and using a sharp knife

and fork to dissect it and slowly peel back the skin as if he were a fruit surgeon. He needs an autism diagnosis. Yeah. That is most of this feature to be fair. That's insane.

That's not man play. That's like... It's like he's performing a circumcision. Yeah, that's like underlying mental health issues. I have to say though, with bananas,

you know, you just want to like sort of crack it open and then... From the issues. I have to say though, with bananas, you know, you're just meant to like sort of crack it open and then... From the bottom. I do. You mean to squeeze the tip? I much prefer

just cutting that top off and then peeling down from there. Peeling it open, really? It's a clean cut. Really? You cut the top off? Yeah. I just yank it.

Yeah, I know. That's the wrong side. Wrong side. You're meant to pinch the other end. Pinch the top, yeah. And then it all falls easy. Give a fuck. The long bit is the handle

I can see how to do pineapples like an umbrella right the long bit you hold it like an umbrella oh I've always been doing it wrong then everyone does

do you know how to do pineapples that felt loaded I've done a few of a time you're meant to pull it pull it out yeah yeah yeah. I don't eat fruit enough to commit this to memory. You go pineapple.

I like a pineapple. How often do you get one of your five a day? Honestly, almost never. I don't eat vegetables full stop. And I seldom... I think we might know why you've got a baggy heart. I very seldom eat. I can't remember the last time I ate a piece of fruit.

That's mad. Oh, no, once a week. So once a week I know that I eat fruit because I have some dried mango. Just once a week? When? What? So when I'm recording Dead Men Talking at the shop...

Oh, that dried mango. I get a croissant, and then the croissant doesn't quite do enough for me, so I also get a little packet of dried mango, and that's my fruit for the week. Where are you getting packets of dried mango? You can't. Sainsbury's.

Really? Yeah, yeah. I always core my apple. Yeah. Core my apple and then slice it in fours. Yeah. I've got two apple cores. Yeah, really good.

Apple core. Flex. They're two different sides. I've got the mango three apple core. So I've got two types, depending on the kind of apple it is. So for a, say a pink lady. That's the goat apple.

Which is the goat apple, by the way. Any crunchy apple like that. I like using the two-sided press thing. Do you not just bite into it? No. You fucking ignoramus. You need your pink lady apple corer. Yeah.

And then if I've got a standard one. Where's the apple corers? In the apple corer cupboard. Stupid question. Which apple corer today? You fucking mentalist. I've got three different peelers as well. I've got the T-shaped peeler.

How many apples do you fucking eat? No, different things. I've got lots of utensils on my house. You've got a T-shaped peeler. How many apples do you fucking eat? No, different things. I've got lots of utensils in my house. You got a melon baller? Yeah, of course I've got a melon baller. Love a melon baller. Anyway, and then the other core I use is just for the center bit.

That's for like a basic apple, like a Golden Delicious or like a Bramley or something. Do you like a Granny Smith, bit bitter? Say it again? Do you like a Granny Smith? I do like a Granny Smith, but it's gotta be the. Do you like a Granny Smith? I do like a Granny Smith, but it's got to be the right season. Yeah.

I'm a pink lady guy, though. She's the most... Do you have fun seeing Apple? What? A Granny Smith? In October? Are you mad? Are you mad?

Yeah. Out of season? You can't be having Granny Smith in October. Fucking idiot. I like the idea that someone's got a trench coat out of season. Just pop it open. Hey, I'll tell you what's a bit naughty. A Granny Smith. I like the idea that someone's got a trench coat out of seasonage. Pop it open. Hey, I'll tell you what's a bit naughty.

A Granny Smith. I make Seneca Gale dinner and I have to present the fruit well. A melon ball is like an ice cream. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have to present the food well. If she goes, I want Gale dinner. That's because she's tired after work.

And Gale dinner is all the items in the house. Just like two pieces of it. So I'll give her a bowl of like a plate of fruit. And then she'll have like two pieces of it. So I'll give her a bowl of, like a plate of fruit, and then she'll have like two pieces of toast. And if you don't present girl dinner well, what happens? She's just a bit upset, but I do it because I'm a good partner.

He's a good partner. I make sure her food looks good if she's eating it. This is what happens when you love someone, Freddie. Sounds awful. Yeah, I got, yeah, here's three plates of girl dinner, and it'll look great and she'll be happy. Three plates of girl dinner?

Girl dinner, yeah. Wow. You got a song for it. And we're slagging off this girl's dad. He's a fucking weirdo. Comment below your girl dinner, by the way. I was just going to say, you know the centre piece of the core?

You know when I core it, the centre bit, the long bit that stays in the middle of the apple, I don't eat it. What I do is I suck it to get all the juice out. You don't want to waste it.

Honestly, that matches some of his wrongness. You suck the core of the apple. Yeah, because it's got loads of juice in the middle. I've got all the pips in your mouth. Get the pips away with a little spoon or whatever. Sounds like it's a lot of effort for Apple.

With your pip spoon. My pip spoon. I'll go in the pip spoon drawer. Big kitchen, this. Do you know what? I do have like a tiny spoon. Oh, fuck off. Because I use it for my spices.

I had three gold ones. And one of the gold ones I left in the cutlery drawer for pips. Tiny little spoons. Yeah. So honestly, this is so little glass. I used to have one of them gold ones I left in the cutlery drawer for pips. Tiny little spoons. Yeah. So honestly, this is so little glass. I used to have one of them. Are you meant to get your passion fruit out? It wasn't for pips.

What? Are you meant to get your passion fruit out of the fucking skin? I don't eat passion fruit. I eat kiwi with the skin on. Problem solved. Do you, yeah? Kiwi with the skin on. I thought that was a thing.

You're meant to eat kiwi with the skin on, by the way. Fucking mushy bag of shit. Yeah, if you're a stupid cunt. You're meant to eat it with the skin on. What? Kiwis are eaten with the skin on. Yeah, if you're a stupid cunt. You're meant to eat it with the skin on. What? Kiwis are eaten with the skin on. You don't peel it. Right. What, that hairy fucking leather? You put that in your mouth and you eat it?

Oh, you're a fucking bad guy, you. It's delicious. Once the shelves are poor, people in the streets at the old bar put it in the kiwi. For eating a hairy kiwi. I'll be happy with me fucking dried fucking mango slices no no you're meant to eat just eat kiwis with the skin on don't take the skin off yeah the hairy untasty horrible tasty i always like the idea of fruit but i feel like i can never commit to it

it takes a lot of plan it takes a lot yeah yeah it's not just like you gotta prep you gotta wash you've got to prep food but also as well you have to plan that you want fruit no you don't yeah because fruit doesn't just fucking exist fruit just isn't bountiful everywhere like crisps and stuff like that's such a fat person thing to say it's literally the opposite no no no no doesn't just grow on trees like crisps No, no, no. Fruit doesn't just grow on trees like crisps. That's a country song waiting to happen. Listen to what I'm saying, right?

If you buy a bag of crisps, you can leave them for a year and they'll still be a bag of crisps. They're everywhere all of the time. Crisps are a constant, whereas fruit... I miss... I miss my home. I miss Preston. There were so many crisps just about to fall in the meadows.

If you've got a plan that you want fruit, you have to go. I want fruit. Two weeks on Tuesday. And then go and get it. And if you don't eat fruit precisely when you said you were going to eat fruit, it just goes and it just disintegrates into shit. Have you ever had a frozen fruit?

Yeah. Or melon balls frozen. Wow. They you ever heard of frozen fruit? Yeah. Oh, melon balls frozen. Wow. They burn on top of your mouth. It's like ice cream. I have been without a freezer for over a year. Is everything all right, Freddie? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because you know why he doesn't need a freezer? Because bags of crisps don't need to be frozen. Are you only eating fresh produce then? Yeah, yeah. So I don't really like frozen food anyway. That's more healthy though. He's only eating fresh produce then, isn't he? There you go.

That's why. Health, not laziness. Not that it broke and I just never bothered to fix it. Right, next man play. Thank you, Finn. Never confess this to anyone. This is from Billy. Never confess this to anyone

because this is genuinely ridiculous. But sometimes if I see a police car with sirens on, I will purposely act slightly more dodgy so that those people around me might suspect I'm the one the police are after is that my car i do i do i do the same thing yeah because i because i like the idea that they'll pull me over and they'll want to find something i'm like fuck you pig i'm clean you know i i do the complete opposite i try and act really nice like smiling and people in my

car i'm like i'll look at them once i'm can't look at them again. You know, I swear at every mobile speed camera, I put middle finger up to every single one. Of course. Bad man with your dried mango. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I like the idea. Take a picture, pig. I like the idea that they tried to catch me

and they didn't, so I go, fuck off like that. But then one time they actually did catch me and they sent me through the post and it was me in my car just swearing at them. I did that. Fuck them. And you got a fine? Fucking, well, sorry.

You got a fine? I actually got four points because I've already been banned from driving once. Oh, I've got some court documents in my bag I need to get back to because I basically didn't. I thought I'd sent them my details for a speeding fine, but I hadn't. and now they're taking me to court no they give you an extra point if you so the same thing happened to me except i just

didn't do it because i didn't want to um that's how that works they uh you've got four points no i don't want to give you extra money so they give you an extra fine instead of getting three points you get four but you have to plead guilty you have to go yeah it was me okay in the court document thing should we fill it up together? Should we what? Should we plead not guilty and just see what happens? What would happen? She got banned from driving.

So I've already been banned once. It was an accumulation of points. That's because you keep fucking swearing at the speed cameras. No, it wasn't an accumulation. You got it all in, yeah. One day, yeah. That's an accumulation, though, isn't it? Yeah, but... I mean, technically, you're right, but he got 12 points in one day that's an accumulation of points

in about an hour I got six in one day he had six oh I so this is the I heard the story I heard you got uh six points because you went 80 miles an hour through a 60 or something and they gave you six points and then you did it at the same camera on the way back. No, no, no, no. That's funny. The legend of this. But it happened in March 2020. Then there was a lockdown. You lost your license for the six months

where the country was locked down. Well, what it was, I was driving back from the supermarket to get this fruit eaten. And I just had such a small window to eat it in. It was speeding. No, it was, I lost my license on the Monday and we went into lockdown on the Friday

or the Wednesday and the Friday. It was like within two days. I literally cancelled my insurance. What did you do on Thursday and Friday and Saturday? I lost my insurance on the Monday. Went for, literally the car sat in the drive for six months. And I had my dad as well going, oh, you can't leave a car like that for six,

but you've got to turn engine. If you don't turn engine, then car won't, yeah, it's not good for a car. And then I just completely ignored him. I told him that was, oh yeah, I've turned the engine a few times, could never be arsed,

even though there was literally nothing to do. And then turn it, it was absolutely fine. But yeah, I did the whole lockdown. No fucking... Is your insurance on sky high now though? Yeah, it was. It was, it's not now. Because it'll be...

Five years. It'll be five years next year, yeah, yeah. I still can't hire a van or anything like that. Why would you want that? To kill people. Well, that's probably a good thing. Yeah, they look and they go, he looks like he's going to murder a prostitute

in the back of that. Let's not give him a van. Right, next one from Morgan Lee. For man play, walking through automatic doors and waving your hand like a jedi i still do this every chance i get i do it i do it on tube doors as well train doors like a what yeah we call walls jedis why i don't know it's not a compliment no it's a bad jedi i am lad that's a sith no if their response was that soldier a beautiful little niche moment for all the star wars uh next one bad bad jedi uh this one's from ben uh wag wag lids bit of man play when i'm getting

out my car i push the door hard enough so it swings back and I have to get out of the car without the door touching me. Oh, you race your own door? Yeah, yeah. Fucking idiot. That's how you break your door. That's how you break your door. Also, what if you parked in a supermarket and you smash it into someone's car? I don't think he does it every time, surely.

That car's really close, but I've still got to play the game. Play the game, yeah. He only does it on special occasions. I don't know about racing. Yeah, I race the garage door. There's stuff like that when you're like, a little bit.

I can see the fun of the game. I commentate in my brain when I'm like, let's say I'm on the train and we're walking upstairs or something. I kind of do a race in my head with the people on the stairs. Yeah. And I start commentating it going,

Akbar's in fourth, but he's taking over this black woman. He's about to overtake her. Then there's a Chinese woman in front of him. Will you make it to the top? And so he gets to the gate. Sounds like London, though. Yeah. I do that in my head all the time.

It sounds like some sort of diverse grand national. Oh, there's a mother with a push chair. Is he going to help? No, he's not. He really wants to win this race, there's a mother with a push chair. Is he going to help? No, he's not. He really wants to win this race. He's really going for the win here. So I'll do stuff like that in my head.

Yeah, yeah. Nice. Right, last one. This one's from Aiden. Man play for your lids. At the rugby club, we all play a game in the change rooms where we see how much change we can fit in our foreskin. The most I've ever done is £1.45.

Right, obviously no Muslims and Jews can fucking play that game can they that's only four coins in the quickest yeah it might be imagine if it's all pennies £1.45 yeah

all coppers see big knob Dave always wins fits money in his foreskin it's a rugby club innit yeah but surely like because they say

don't they that licking a penny is like licking like it's worse than licking a toilet seat in terms of the germs and stuff it tastes like vagina though doesn't it metal i sterilize all my coins what with you well which coin sterilizer do you use what are you talking about why do you even have coins it's 2024 i've got coins fucking stupid. You have a coin sterilizer?

Yeah. Whereabouts? At home. Yeah, no, whereabouts in your house? It's just Fosk and Freddie. What is it like? Every time we go to the rugby club. It's on the island.

And you put change in it. Yeah. And then you press a button. It sterilizes it. You've already touched it. Yeah, I know, but what? I've got the change. Whatever's in your hand. I know but what I've I've got I've got the change

whatever it's in your hands I know so I sterilise my hands I wash my fucking hands don't I why do people get surprised by people washing hands so I wash my hands

and I put the coins in the thing you're insane you're insane I got both the phone steriliser during Covid this is mental never even opened

why would you how have you got this much time and money no wonder you don't like spending time on your own. It sounds fucking boring. I could go out to the pub with everyone or could I stay home and sterilise all these coins? Hold on.

I pour the coins into the steriliser. I go for a piss. I come back. They're lovely sterilised. Back in my wallet. My shiny coins. How many coins do you have in your fucking wallet? Also back in your wallet. My shiny coins! Do you fucking wallet? Also back in your wallet where they've already been dirty,

so they're back in the dirty bit of the wallet. It's not the same thing. It's the arse. Do you put anything else in the sterilizer? What? Is it just for coins? No, you can put other things in the sterilizer. Fuck.

Why do you sterilize your coins? Do you remember when everyone was washing their fucking shopping, Jordan Colworth? Oh yeah. Get the fucking corn on Jordan Colbert? Oh, yeah. Get the fucking corn on the cob in the bath. I've got all my chains. I've got my trolley coin. I don't get what the point of it is.

Because surely, but Eshaan, surely you just give it, like you spend the money and then you get money and then that's not sterilized. And then that mixes with the money that has been sterilized. Because it's not like you spend all of those coins at once and then you get a fresh batch of unsterilized coins. This is the most pointless thing anyone has ever done. But I feel clean when I've got sterilized coins in my wallet.

This is OCD. This is genuine and obsessive compulsion. I don't see what's wrong with it. It's stupid. I thought everyone, because I found this coin, basically I found this coin steriliser in my,

in this local, it's not a coin, it's a steriliser. It's a coin steriliser shop. It's a brick-a-brack shop. It's like a brick-a-brack shop and they sell all sorts of like random shit. And I saw this thing

and I was like, I want it. Would you be very happy if you went to a shop and paid in coins and they went, these are very clean coins. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It would genuinely make me. It was genuinely made for you. Esha, I'm like, thank you. No one ever compliments how clean my coins are. What about your paper money? Well, nowadays, paper money is a lot more sterile. It's plastic, though, isn't it? Yeah, that's why. If you've got a particularly dirty fiver,

like a real grubby note, would you put that in the coin steriliser? No, I'd hand it to a homeless person. Why to give them the dirtiness? Because they're dirty. Also, they don't want fibres, they want garlic

bread. You know that. My grandad used to iron fibres. I have a memory of him ironing money what for best yeah yeah because he i think he had the same a version of the same thing that you've got of like i like clean money so if he got a fiver and it was all i remember him ironing it to be like now it's nice with a cloth over the top of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. He's a bit mental, I think. Yeah, no, I think that's... This is insane.

You're not with debit cards, are you? Apple Pay? Why you want... Carl, Carl, but you also understand that some people have cash. Every time cash is anywhere near you, you're fuming with it.

Like, God, we got rid of cash hundreds of years ago. Are you not worried about cashless society? Worried about what? What could they be worried about? Well, God, we got rid of cash hundreds of years ago. Are you not worried about, like, cashless society? Worried about what? What could we be worried about? Well, like, society becoming cashless. I understand what cashless society means. That was belting, that was.

Never use the, you know, the word and the definition of the word, Freddie. What do you mean? Why would I be worried? So, like... You're smashing this, Fred. Other people are worried. Everyone can see what you're doing with your money. Yeah.

And also as well, by the time that credit and debit cards take off a fee in that, it limits the actual wealth that's being passed around, right? So if you have 20 pounds and you have it in cash and you go and buy a,

some fucking, I was going to say some crisps then, some drive-by-home. £20 worth of crisps. Some crisps. Because you're down to 5,000 packets and you're worried it's getting too low. And then that shopkeeper can take that £20

and then they can use it to fill up the car. And then that petrol station owner can take that £20 and they can use it for something else. Freddie's explaining money, everyone. He's still £20. Whereas if you just have it cashless and you beep, you go and pay for your crisps, then you pay for 20 pounds, but 0.1.

Have you thought about it like this? It's like a magic penny, you know? Hold it tight and you won't have many. Lend it, spend it, and you'll have so many. They'll fall all over the floor. And then you can sterilize them. For love. It's something if you give it.

Sorry. No, I don't. What the hell just happened? Joe, you can lose money. Joe, I've got money in my pocket, like cash. I've already dropped it. Because I get my phone out and it'll fall out. Get a wallet.

Get a wallet. I'm not a sex offender. Oh, I used to have a friend like this. Look at this. Who used to claim that wallets were the devil. Correct. Sex offender. He has to go with my wallet. I have got an Apple this. Who used to claim that wallets were the devil. Correct. He says it all the time. He has to go up my wallet all the time.

I have got an Apple wallet, which sticks to the back of my phone and has the three cards that I need. What happens when you lose your phone? What? What happens when you lose your phone? I've never lost my phone. Okay, what happens when you get mugged for that phone?

The Apple wallet's got a tracker in it and it tells me where the phone is. What if the person who's mugged you knows to detrack it? Yeah. You've lost the phone, you've lost the wallet. Then what? Cancel all my cards. Cancel all your cards What if the person who's mugged you knows to detrack it? You've lost a phone, you've lost a wallet. Cancel all my cards. Cancel all your cards and then you can't pay for anything for a few days until the cards arrive.

Yeah. Okay. Not like old shiny coins Akbar. He's given his phone away. Take it, my friend. I'll spend these shiny pounds. If you lose your wallet, you've lost everything then, haven't you? No, I haven't. I've still got Apple Pay on my phone. Yeah. Yeah. If you lose your wallet, you've lost everything then, haven't you? No, I haven't.

I've still got Apple Pay on my phone. Yeah. All I've done is lost. So do you look after your phone well? Yeah. I look after my phone well. Yeah, I'm with Eshaan here. Eshaan's got two wallets.

Yes, I do. I've actually got three. Of course you do. Joe Stee separates his house keys from his car keys and nothing in this world makes me angrier. Why? So if he loses one, he hasn't lost everything. What?

But it makes me so angry. Well, I can't get in the house, but at least I can still get in the car. What the fuck logic is that? That's so stupid. It makes me so angry. But no, wallets are for people who sexually offend. Right, we've got a confession. Thank you for my birthday gift.

You're welcome. Oh, I'm gone. Let me see. No, that's more of a card holder. That's different. That isn't a wallet. That's like a card holder. Right.

And it's got cash in the middle. I'm fine with them. That's mad, isn't it? Mad. Who am I? God. Mental. Sorry, Flex.

It's a nice wallet there. That's not a wallet. That's a card holder. I don I? Mental. Sorry, Flex. It's a nice wallet there. That's not a wallet. That's a card holder. I don't mind that. But this big, thick... Oh, I've got my Matalan card in it. Who'd do that? Have you got your wallet on you?

I don't have a Matalan card anymore, but yeah. Finn, can I ask a question? Yeah. Has your wallet got Velcro on it? No. Right, good. I've got a card for the black boy in. Where's my wallet?

My wallet's actually in the car, which I know you shouldn't do. That's a sex offence. Can I have a look? For a man of the age of 25? Chuck it here, a little bit here. What's this? That's less so, but still a sex...

It's that kind of wallet I hate. A lot of my cards have been graffitied by Carl. Oh yeah, they did draw. Size of that. Freddy, that's what I mean. Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. My man's got a super drug health and beauty card. Yeah.

I can explain. Gay. No, no need to explain. They gave me 10% off a big Christmas shop. Tesco club card. Luckily that's never been made into an app on your phone. Costco. I'm not slagging that off.

Put it in your car. You go to Costco in your car. Who walks into Costco off the street? University of Salford that ended years ago. I still use my student card if I get a student. Nando's. I'm assuming that the people at Nando's didn't write I touch kids on your Nando's card.

I'm assuming. Someone there then. I'm not even messing around. Will. That was me. Oh, now I'm holding it and it says I touch kids. Oh, shit. Yes!

For fuck's sake. Will. Oh, Barnardo's. Barnardo's my little green card. Gifted, yeah. Why do you have that all the time? Where do you want me to put it? When's the last time you used that?

Two weeks ago. I took a big thing to the charity shop. Well, that's nice. Just have it in your car. I'll take that with you. Just have it in your car. Thank you, Freddie. Just have that in your car.

You're never going to go to the charity shop without your car to gift aid. Or cost coal. He's ready to... Oh, the boots, Johnny. I'm the boots, Johnny. I'm the boots, Johnny. Oh, sorry, Finn. Sorry, kid.

You are 25. That is so unnecessary. Yeah, just roll on it. Roll on it. Oh, God. If you want to go to Costco, donate or fuck. You can do it all at the same time.

Well done. When is that ever going to happen? Sometimes, though, when you donate a Barnardo Costco, donate or fuck, you can do it all at the same time. Well done. When is that ever going to happen? Sometimes, though, when you donate a Barnardo's, you get horny, don't you? Yeah, yeah. Take my big bag. That's just one of the uncool...

I mean, I love you, Finn, I do, but that is one of the uncool... Does it not stick? Because that is insanely big. Does it not stick out of your pockets and make a daft bulge? No. It does.

We've got a confession. Hit the jingle. Should we do one confession? Yeah, we've got a confession. Hit the jingle. Should we do one confession? Yeah, we've only got one. It's that you do drugs. Oh, really? He's so evil. let's go to bernardo's and fuck okay thank you right this is anonymous as always send them into have a word pod at gmail.com if

you want to get your confessions read out. Hello, Lids. Got a confession for you. A couple of weeks ago while driving home, I witnessed a car crash. Bloke in front of me wasn't paying attention and went straight into the back of the poor old lady in front.

I witnessed it all and even have a dash cam that would have caught everything. Problem is, I was rapping along to some hip hop that had a fair few N-words and I was hitting every one. I stayed and helped the old lady, gave her my number as a witness, but removed the dash cam as if I never had one. So no one would hear me committing many acts of racism.

Do I deserve penance? Oh, so he, so it could have been entered into evidence essentially to help, but he's decided that the audio was a bit damning. Surely. I mean, you know what? I'm help, but he's decided that... That the audio was a bit damning. Good music, surely. I mean, I know that's a bit... Do you know what?

I'm going to say he's not a dickhead here. And I'll tell you for why, right? Because everyone's initial reaction is going to be, oh, your dickhead just made that evidence. Number one, the dash cam footage is for you. It's not for everybody. It's your dash cam. It's your footage.

You're not doing it to film everyone. It's just in case you get in an accident. So you don't, you're not legally required to send it off. Number two, if a guy has gone into the back of an old woman, it's the most cut and dry case ever. It's not even like,

it's like a 50-50 who could have been at fault. If you go in the back of someone, you're done. Oh, if you drive into the back of someone, you are always at fault. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that guy's done anyway regardless of your footage but also can i just say that the big the big issue with this is that the court don't care about the audio they just want to see the evidence but they're not going to play the audio in court

never singing along the jury. B but nevertheless thank you Alfie for emailing in now what was his name and it's it it was anonymous wasn't it anonymous

as if the court are going to go you know what this is a whole new case yeah he's going to get 10 years for singing racism

yeah yeah I listen I think as a hip hop fan. Imagine the Judge Darts vibe in Tocantin. Oh, actually. I think it is a tricky one, isn't it? Are you allowed to sing along to hip hop? And I'd suggest that in the privacy of your own car.

You can. Absolutely. Absolutely, 100%. So actually, I think he is a knobhead for not sending the video in to help with the case. It's an old lady. They're going to mute the fucking song, aren't they? They don't give a shit about it.

How bizarre would you look being in your own car with nobody else in and being like, she take my money. Yeah, she's a gold digger. Keep going. You know, keep going. I ain't saying she a gold digger, but she messed with no broke and then being like,

in your own car with nobody in there. No, but I always think because- That's bizarre behavior. People in the city might know my face and I genuinely always think they might be able to lip read as well. Shut the fuck up. Okay, but then-

There are a load of deaf scousers that know Carl's racist. Shut the fuck up. Also, like, if you're not saying the word in your mouth- Can I just drive past Sensei Carl miming the M word at me? Okay, but is it racist if you're not saying the word in your mouth... Can I just try past sensei? Can't mime in the M word at me. Okay, but is it racist if you're just mouthing the word? What do you mean?

If you don't say it... If there's no music on and you're going around saying it, yeah. I think so. If you're like, I'm saying she's a gold digger, but she ain't messing with her... You didn't commit to that enough for it to be racist. Is it illegal to buy me but they can't hear me not saying yeah that surely that's fine isn't it

you don't say as long as you mime the a at the end yeah yeah yeah you laugh like um have you seen back in the future uh yes um do you know young marty's dad uh-huh you laugh like him oh thanks cheers mate anyway confession was i think he was a gobshite apparently on the filming of that film the actor that played marty mcfly's dad oh really yeah they had to make uh like a mask yeah before he was older so in the second and third films it's a it's a different actor that looks a bit like him there's a couple that they put the mask on well do you know just because he apparently was such a dickhead to work with they were like that's why in the second one you only see him upside down when he comes to the door so you can't tell it's not him didn't that

also happen with the fresh prince abella will smith's mum yeah they yeah they swapped her she was that much of a cunt really they were like yeah they swapped her out mid-series i've never noticed yeah well they didn't mention it either and there was a whole ferrari about it because she was like a light-skinned black woman and yeah yeah his original mother was like a dark-skinned black woman and the people like what the hell's going on here like suddenly you've suddenly you've gone, yeah. I mean, well, they did it on the serials, like Neighbours. There was one, there was three different actresses playing the same person. I think it was someone, Robinson.

There's been like six Ben Mitchells in EastEnders. Oh, really? EastEnders do it the most. Oh, really? Sick. No. Do you have a club? Hello, Ben. This is Ben. Oh, this is the new ben i think anyone who watches a soap is a bit thick i don't understand it at all i don't watch it it's like it's like it's

like a never-ending story it's like a story that never gets to end or finish and you watch it every day and it's not a very good one it's not is it it's not very well like no but people like people who work all day like to go i'm have some Monday night and not have to think. That's why. That's what it is. Yeah, I know, but if you don't want to think you've got reality shows

like Below Deck. Yeah, but that's a part of it, isn't it? What? Also, the best thing EastEnders ever did was when it was on a pause for COVID and it came back. Yeah.

They called it EastEnders Series 2 and I thought that was such funny, Martin. It had been gone for 40 years. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, that was good. My mother-in-law when she comes to stay uh puts uh emma dale on and then it auto records you know once you've oh yeah and i love my mother-in-law i think she's brilliant she's the best mother-in-law

ever she's dead sound she's smart she's a great grandma she's fucking good mum to laura but every time emmerdale's on my tv it makes me like her a little bit less yeah i'm like why why and she's not going she's not like i just want mundanated she likes the stories i don't get but i feel like yeah but i feel like going do you know you just watch a film what i don't it does make sense to me how you can watch mundane stories that like when he says never end or go anywhere well people watch this podcast oh i'm joking you're on the wall shout out to jude my mother-in-law but yeah i just i don't get the appeal of soaps anymore i might have understood it maybe like 30 years ago or whatever but now but then I watched like Keenan and Kel oh so good so good

mate you ain't gonna have you watched the documentary yet what have you watched Quiet on Set know who's done what

oh damn they went all fucking nasty gear yeah I haven't finished it yet Fred so there's a

you know how Kel loves orange soda well Dan Schneider loves dick that's no he loves Amanda Bynes he likes teenage he likes Amanda Bynes You know how Kel loves orange soda? Well, Dan Schneider loves dick less. No, he loves Amanda Bynes. He likes teenage poonsong. He likes Amanda Bynes.

No, it's that guy who molested Drake. There's a documentary about the abuse on Nickelodeon. So Dan Schneider, who made pretty much every kids' TV show, was really quite bad. And then he would hire people who were literal paedophiles. Like, they had been in prison for paedophilia, come out of prison, and he'd hire them. Was he a paedophile?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He still is, and he's still working. Did he not kill and kill? They're in it, aren't they? No, Amanda, so if you look at- Is that all you're bothered about? So he didn't do it

But somebody we worked Under did Drake Bell Yeah From Drake and Josh I think it was something Peck George Peck Yeah and there was

Jason Handy Yeah Which is the best name For the paedophile ever By the way Can I just say It's really sad Watching part of

Eshaan's childhood Get smashed a bit Honestly this is all Brand new information Well there's a rumour, I don't know how true it is, but you know, Summer from School of Rock,

the little girl's manager, there's a rumour that Dan Schneider got her pregnant. No! Rumour. At 13, yeah. Yeah, yeah. What?

What? I never knew that. I just sound so involved. I never knew that. Yeah sound so involved I never knew that yeah yeah but if you watch the documentary it's not just the

well the abuse is the worst bit but there's loads of stuff that goes on where you're like oh this was so fucking bad man the Ariana Grande one

with the water where she's on the bed have you seen have you seen the potato one yeah yeah and she's like come on give me the juice

and she's like suck on the potato mate there's a bit where she's got a potato and she's wanking a potato she's like come on give me the juice and she's like suck on the potato mate there's a bit where she's got a potato and she's wanking a potato she's like a 15 year old Ariana Grande she's wanking a potato

going come on give me the juice I want the juice in my mouth I want to fucking and they got kids to do loads of sexual stuff loads of them

were just cum shots was that your favourite bit what sorry was that your favourite bit loads of the ends of the scenes jokes were just like facials

like oh it looks like they're getting cum on the face. And they look back on, and there's so many parents who- Oh, I don't wanna watch this documentary, but I have to now. It's mad. When you go back and you look and you're like, oh, that's not good. Like everyone's getting gunked, but it was all just cum shots. I guess a cum shot is like gunk, to be fair, isn't it?

Get your own back. Did you see the interview that they did with Dan Schneider? I'm only two episodes in. So this is a separate thing. So when it came out, Dan Schneider was getting a lot of heat from it, obviously, because he's the main guy. So the book stops with him.

It's hot. Somebody who was an actor who was like a mate of his interviewed him, but the interview that they had was like so designed for Dan Schneider to come off looking great. So obviously there's loads of big questions that need to be asked about

how he let this fucking shit happen. But the person interviewing him, because they wanted Dan Schneider to look good, they were like, so Dan, I've heard that some bad things happened. What do you think about that? And it was all fluffed in a way to help him explain away his stuff.

It was really gross. Clearly doesn't sit right at all. I think this documentary's probably put him in the ground now. What's it called? Quiet on set. Quiet on set. Okay, I'll watch that. Also known as Ariana Grande wanks off a potato.

Potato, yeah. That was the working title for the movie. You're like, this is a bit, no. To your question earlier, I've had a girl complain about the amount I cum. I asked him a question two weeks ago about how much.

This was a private conversation. Do you jizz a lot? Yeah. Do you have a lot of magnesium? I don't know what it is, but they're basically- I think it's all the apple juice that you're sucking out

of the core of apples. Do you sterilize it? Basically, my orgasm lasts about 90 seconds. No, it doesn't. Shut up, bollocks. Shut the fuck up. You're like a pig.

No, it doesn't. No, it doesn't. I will start coming. No, it doesn't. Honestly, I will start coming. And for a minute and a half, it will just be going and going and going. Set a 90 second timer.

I'm not going to do it now. No, I know you're not going to do it. We're going and going and going. Set a 90 second timer. Now. I'm not gonna do it now. No, no, no, you're not gonna do it. We're gonna carry on talking. I don't think you know what 90 seconds feels like. That's so long. Yeah, it is long. It is long. How long do your orgasms last?

Like I reckon you can measure it in milliseconds. It's like a bullet train It just comes straight out It's only when I'm having sex though Not when I'm wanking By the way, when you said start, you've been coming for 21 seconds so far Yeah You've been coming this entire time

Just jizz flowing out of your dick Do you mean you feel it Or there's actual liquid the whole time Feel, and it feels like liquid, but then she's coming as well, obviously. If I was still coming right now, I'd be fucking terrified. We can't tell if it's both of us.

I'd be panicking. There's a lot of liquid. Right, Isham's been coming for 45 seconds. I'm still coming. This is so bollocks. I am still coming. This is such bollocks. My balls are pumping it out.

This is such bollocks. Are you conscious at the time or are you just in sort of like a... I'm in sort of a daze. You're just in a haze like, oh God. Almost like you're being... Yeah, yeah. And like, I can feel my prostate like fucking punching me.

If you turn on a tap for this long, it would have filled up a sink by now. One minute ten, he's like a 20 seconds ago. Yeah, I'm nearly done, I'm finished, I'm nearly done. I'm nearly done. This is great. This is great. This is nuts. Honestly, this is how long it goes on for.

There's no way this is true. It's still coming, by the way. It might feel like 90 seconds. There's no way it's 90 seconds. You've blown Freddie's mind. He's so jealous. Okay. Ishan is about to...

Ishan has now finished coming. I'm done. Wow. I need to eat more apples no that'd be horrible that'd be a fate worse than death eating apples no

come in like that a fate worse than death 90 second orgasm it'd be horrible to have a 90 second orgasm no it wouldn't not on your own it'd be funny it's great It'd be horrible to have a 90 second orgasm. No, it wouldn't. Not on your own. It'd be funny. It's great.

It'd be bizarre. Sorry, sorry. Think about how much pleasurable things a human can experience. You'd rather die. So I can get back to my baseline. 90 seconds. I'm a six. Oh, thank you. Six seconds, please.

Not feeling a seven and a half in 90 seconds sounds great kill me i don't want to sound too gay shan but i'd love to see you come yeah no honestly i don't want to make you come yeah but i do want to see you okay we'll find a way to make how long does it take you to come 90 seconds no as in like as in as in from oh it takes like it is hard to make me come so it takes me a while to cum as well. I've always said this, I've got like delayed orgasm. Jesus Christ. But, because no one looks at me, no one looks at me and is like,

well, he looks like a good shag. So for me, I'm like, I'm like if an average film lasted seven hours. Do you know what I mean? I'm like Paul Blart mall cop for five hours. Paul Blart. Paul Blart. The game changer for me recently,

because I've always had pretty good, I guess, stamina, but it takes a while to make me cum. Point your toes. Hmm? Point your toes. Point your toes? Yeah, point your toes.

Oh, okay. I just don't do any of that. I just like having sex. But then recently, in the last... That's not instead like having sex. But then recently in the last... That's not instead of having sex. In the last three months, I've been taking these Viagra mints and they are fucking great.

So Viagra mints... As in mints sweet or like... Mints sweet. Like in a bolognese. Because when you say mints or mints, I don't know what you're saying. He gives it to homeless people. But you get these mints, chew say mints or mints I don't know what you're saying he gives it to homeless people but you get these mints

chewable mints and there's Viagra in it and the Viagra will basically last you for about 36 hours

what what which basically means that over that time period whenever you have any kind of sexual interaction you are fucking ready to go

and it has changed oh it's great i'm having a great time do you not fit do the partners know you're doing that they do now the partners are the people because you don't think they'd feel less if they you have to have a performance on some drug no i have a question for you do you prep your woman beforehand have a question for you do you prep your woman beforehand like a roast turkey no i meant like because you've got to give her a heads up and say um listen babe um i when i when i when i jism it lasts for a minute and a half. And so I just want you to know that when I continue to flow, come out of my cock, this is normal for me, even though it's completely insane.

Do you let her know? No, but that's why one of them complained. If you just had a dick that just kept coming over and over again, they'd be terrified. But that's why one of them complained. One of them was like, I did not expect that to be. So you don't, and that was her reaction

to seeing a dick jizz consistently for 90 seconds. She went, I did not expect that. Yeah. Don't you come a tablespoon? Isn't that the amount? Yeah. He comes a table.

A ladle? Yeah. So you still come the same amount? You still come a tablespoon? I think I come like a serving spoon. Oh God. That's a minute and a half worth. Yeah. So you still come the same amount? You still come a tablespoon? I think I come like a serving spoon. Oh, God. That's a minute and a half worth. Yeah.

That's a pork on there. So it's like a dribble. Yeah. If I can't... Listen. Something's happening, right? I'm pumping something. Something is going on there.

It sounds amazing. Yeah. Because I'm pumping for a minute and a half. It's phenomenal. Yeah, because I'm pumping for a minute and a half. It's phenomenal. So, at the end of the podcast, we're all going to watch Ishan. Right, let's have a break, everyone. Should we say bye to Ishan?

Oh, yeah, bye, Ishan. Bye, everyone. Thank you for having me. Bye, Ishan. See you soon. Your appearance lasted nearly as long as your orgasm. Yeah. As women, our life stages come with unique risk factors.

Like when our estrogen levels drop during menopause, causing the risk of heart disease to go up. Know your risks. Visit heartandstroke.ca. So, when Adam's uh not here and we hope he makes a speedy recovery from america is america yeah or a migraine he's got america i think yeah or the hangover um what we do is we just bring in big hitter after fucking big hitter. So Ishan is no more, but ladies and gents, Mr. Brennan fucking Reese.

I've invaded Ishan's space. Hi. Oh, it's a nice cap. Thanks. Nice shoes as well. They can't see them, but they're very nice. Any other,

any other, go on, I like your jacket for genuine. It's a Zara beast, isn't it? It's a little Zara. Yeah. Top. What's the, I don't like a white t-shirt. You don't, innit? A little Zara. Yeah. Top. I don't like a white T-shirt.

You don't? No. I love a white T-shirt. I only wear a versatile white T-shirt. Yeah. Especially when you're getting wet in the 90s on a woman. Shows your belly. It's nice to be back.

I walk through them doors, it just goes nasty. We did the special that they did last night and you had a bit at the end. You can't, it's too... Next month's special is the art special. Are we calling it the art special, the art gallery special, the art special? Might be the best thing we've ever done in this country. Honestly, that might be a catchphrase of this Might be the best thing we've ever done. In this country. Honestly, that might be a catchphrase of this podcast.

The best one we've ever done. Every month it's always the best one. And I watch it and I go, nah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, the roast was the best. You're usually in them. Best one we've ever done. What do you think the best one...

What do you think the best one you've ever done is? In this country? The best Patreon special? I don't think. Master Bakers? Oh, I don't know. Oh. In this country?

Yeah, I'd go Bake Off. Master Bakers, not Bake Off. Sorry. I reckon genuinely last night, and we've done previous recording for it, is going to go with family after. I think GAA special. Wasn't in this country.

What, the gay special? Great. What did you do just um there's we've got about 30 of them they're all there's loads of crackers in there if you're on a patreon by now go and watch all of them for three pounds you can watch any all of them i'm i'm gonna throw it out there i think i think my absolute favorite of all is amsterdam yeah same yeah but i'm saying in this country of course course. Right. I mean, like on location, yeah. So next month is the art special. Freddie came down.

He was the art critic. I tried so hard on my art. And it was good. Adam nailed it. Adam nailed it. Yeah. Which is good because I know how much it cost. Yeah.

Yeah. Carl put so much of his whole life into your installation. Is and uh finn around in such a wonderful way at the end and yeah raised the most welcome to you finn congratulations i'm really proud of you i don't know i'm clapping myself no one else made a penny but finn raked it in we're not allowed to know how much yet because it'll ruin the hey we'll tell you at the end of the special how much we raised. Okay. Yeah.

I don't know myself. I ain't done anything for charity for years. I know how much we raised. No, I was there last night and they were like, you're not bidding on anything. I was like, no. No, Freddie, I said,

have you not spent any money on the charity yet? And you went, no. And I went, well, this is for dying children. And you said there could be two dying children in the corner and I wouldn't donate. No, I didn't say that. Yes, you did. Prove it.

I can't. I think you would donate, though, just to see him die. I think that would be your thing. You go, I'll give a tenner. It's just not my, like, I can't be emotionally manipulated like that. You know when you watch those fucking Cathod adverts and stuff?

Cathod? What, as a throwback to school? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's Cathod? Oh my God, you just unlocked a mad memory. Catholic Funds for Overseas Development. It was like shoebox appeal in that one, eh? Oh yeah, I remember shoebox,

but I didn't know it was called Cathod. Do you remember Cathod? No. Is Cathod still not going? You just unlocked a memory I haven't thought what it's called. Caffod. Do you remember Caffod? You remember Caffod. No. Is Caffod still not going? You just unlocked a memory I haven't thought about since I was- I thought Caffod was the one.

Oh my God. What the fuck happened to Caffod? Oh God. I'll give three quid a month for us to stop having this conversation. Pen. Freddie gets, when Freddie gets something and is it, Caffod, it's a fucking Caffod.

No, is it something to do with africa it was yeah yeah it was like uh yeah like unicef what were you saying like a toothbrush and an action man yeah yeah in a shoe box with and they go they open it up and they're like shoes yeah you go no no no there's some playing cards and two of them are missing mate yeah there's a seven and a nine. Best of luck, you fucking... You think they've sent them back? Like, oh, God! Gola!

Why didn't we just send them shoes? Just a nice pair of clogs. Clogs? Yeah. Also, how hot would they be on your feet, some of them shoes that you sent? Like, we never sent, like, practical footwear, did we? What you want to send is Toms.

Espadrilles. Yeah, you want to send is Tom's. Espadrilles. Yeah, you want to send a pair of them. Crocs. I actually can't believe you sent them shoeboxes and like fucking punked them and said they didn't want. Yeah. Yo-yos and that. Yeah.

With no instructions. So they're going, what's this plastic Oreo? Imagine being starving and you're sat there, you're like, don't worry, there's a delivery coming soon. And you open a shoebox that's full of yo-yos. You could have ended that sentence, imagine being starving. You're sat there, you're like, don't worry, there's a delivery coming soon. And you open a shoebox that's full of yo-yos. You could have ended that sentence at imagine being starving. Yeah, because you used to send them like cans of beans,

but like the beans had like ripped off, so you don't know what was in it. You sent them like fucking dates or something and a yo-yo. Yeah, we basically treated Africa like it was like just a tip. Just said shit. No, we're helping. No, you're not. You're just cleaning out your fucking spare room is what you're doing i never saw the kids with the yo-yos so maybe it was a big scam and it was just people stealing where are my yo-yos going my yo-yo's working for me to be fair that is true british yo-yos working for me? To be fair, that is true. British yo-yos for British children.

We spent 30 years sending yo-yos to Africa. Not one champion. Not one yo-yo champion has come out of that continent. Can you tell me the last few? How do you know? You what? How do you know there's no... Google it.

I'm telling you now. Get it up. I'm on it. African yo-yo champion. No, not African yo-yo champion. World yo-yo champion. How'd you be champion of yo-yo? Surely it's up and down in Cat's Cradle.

Walk the dog. I think they just... I think I watched a documentary... Not sending pets, you just make them walk a dog. Walk me dog. I watched a documentary on it once. I think it's fiercely competitive. Fiercely competitive?

Yeah. You need to Google the words fiercely and competitive. No, no, no. They really go for it. There's not been an African winner. fiercely competitive yeah you need to google the words fiercely and competitive no no they really go for it there's not been an african winner i'm afraid japan are absolutely dominating the yo-yo game thank you with 80 gold medals 75 silvers and 67 bronze the nearest next one is is america with 27 gold 28 silver 31 bronze when's the when's the next yo-yo world championship thing we should answer um let's have a look and we're going child we're going to do the yo-yo world championship special this is

the best one ever the best thing we've done how long do you take you to get good at it good enough that you would like like you know win a local competition i think a year yeah yeah a year. A year. You reckon? Yeah, a year. But I think it's unfair because on the Japanese flag, there is just a yo-yo. How long are you sitting on that? I'm gone. Ishan, you're back in. Do you know I used to be a charity mugger for a couple of days? Yeah.

Door to door, though. You've got that vibe. Yeah, you go door to door in telford well you do it everywhere but i was in telford really yeah when i was at uni i i just lasted a couple of days because it was so boring and we were doing it for um like disabled kids i can't remember what it's called so what so what's the pitch knock on the door i i'm i'm a homeowner i get a knock on the door i don't think you can call them that anymore um i knock on hello what do you want three quid a month to sort him out but there was a do i get a special episode from him every week they call it a patreon now

has he done any specials well he's had girlfriends in the past i suppose this is the best one they um there was a lad who i who i started with there was this lad who i started with who um was fired before i i left because he was you had to get like free signups a day and after day one he was getting none. And then Dave, who was the team leader, he was one of my mates. He was the guy who got diddled off Kevin's face. I'm going around the houses there.

But well, he didn't legally. But anyway, so he, he goes, you've not got any signups. So I'm going to watch what you're doing. So he goes,

and the guy goes to the front door and pretends to be, he does the voice and everything. And he drags him up. He goes, what are you doing? He goes, I just thought if Iends to be, he does the voice and everything. Yeah. And he drags him up. He goes, what are you doing? He goes, I just thought if I pretend to be disabled, they'll give me money.

So he comes over and he's like, oh, yeah. Did it work? No. No, no, no. Three times a day. Do you get paid to do that? No. Yeah.

It's like 10, it was about 10 quid an hour. It's about 15 years ago. Do you know what? You can bring in nine pound a day and pay you 10 pound an hour. No, that's the minimum you've got to get. Yeah, for a year sign-up as well. It is such a shame that that happened before the proliferation of ring doorbells.

Because how funny would that content be to see some guy walk up and just sort of mess his hair a little bit? I don't think they're known for the messy air. Do voice warm-ups. Me, me, me,-ups me me me me wow fine can part right outside of asda what are you talking about blowing like a little i got done by one i got done by a girl at my door about six weeks ago she was an attractive lady she spoke to me for ages and i had a pot noodle in my hand right i just made it and i was like

you know this is getting cold and she didn't give a fuck. So after like 15 minutes, I was like, I can't start eating it because that's mad, isn't it? Yeah. Tell me about the starving kids.

Are they dead hungry? No. Not letting this go cold. There's no point both of us being hungry. So who was she for? I don't know, but it was a, I can't remember.

I didn't really listen. I was probably thought we pot noodles with us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hang on, hang on, hang on. She was so fit, you just stared at her for 50 minutes, took on no information and let her pot noodle go cold. No, I understand what you're saying because sometimes when I want to eat my pot noodle or whatever

and someone's talking to me and all I can think of is... Put a full Chinese here. All I can think of is I just want to finish this and eat this pot noodle. But none of the information's going in. I tried to make that obvious by being like... And she didn't give a fuck. So she spoke for 15 minutes.

I was like, oh, I've got to sign. I was like... Just showing off a Bombay bad boy. No, I feel like, oh shit, I've used 15 minutes of my life. I can't not sign up now. You signed up? I didn't want to. So she went, oh, just fill this in on the iPad. And I was like, oh shit, I've used 15 minutes of my life. I can't not sign up now. You signed up? I didn't want to.

So she went, oh, just fill this in on the iPad. And I was like, right, okay. So I filled it in. She went, have you got your card? And I went, oh, no, I did. It's in the back of my phone. It's in my Apple wallet. I went, I haven't got my card on me.

She went, that's okay. We can set up an Apple Pay or something. I was like, I've actually lost my card and it's frozen. I use mainly cash. No, I said, the reason I haven't got my card I've actually lost my card and it's frozen. I use mainly cash. No, I said, the reason I haven't got my card is I've lost it, so it's frozen, so I don't have,

she's like, right, okay. Do you take sterilised pennies? So I can come back. I went, yeah, come back on, I don't know, are you around on like Monday? She's like, yeah, I was like, midday?

No, and I'd be in work. Bosh. So instead of, so you felt guilty about wasting 15 minutes of her time, so your solution was to waste another day of her time. I'm not sure she took a day to come to my house,

but if she's in the area, she knocked up mine, wasn't in, got away with it. Right. And hit me pot noodle. Wow. I've never had a pot noodle. Have you not? No.

Feels a bit space foodie. Brennan versus food. Pretty bad. Yeah. I can't, like, it was such a surprise how it was fine. It was quite nice. We're going to do a people versus food in the next section, perhaps. Are we?

And you're having a pot noodle. Okay. Are you scared of it or are you just never on it? I'm not scared of it. I don't know. Dan is genuinely scared of some of the food that's been put in front of him he's terrified he's scared of an egg

yeah I don't like that's food phobia isn't it you just it's irrational I mean yeah I have it for baked beans

oh you baked beans as well you all ate baked beans rank disgusting can't do it I can't do it either but the thing is I'm really fussy with food

and I hate because I know I'm a fucking child I know that I'm a you know he's not fussy with food and I hate, because I know I'm a fucking child. I know that I'm a... You know, he's not fussy with the amount. No, listen, listen. A lot of fat guys are fussy with food. You wouldn't think so.

But what we do is when we find a food that we like, we go... You have them all. Yeah, I'll have all of that. I sleep on a bed of crisps. I bet when you make a potato smiley face, it looks like a school tea towel. Do you know what I mean?

It looks like a school picture. There's loads of food that I just will not eat. And do you know what is the worst? People go, oh, well, you like my cooking. You like my stuff. Nah, not a chance, mate.

I'm not going anywhere fucking near it. What's your favourite food, Fred? What, sorry? What's your staple? I'm at home alone. I get to watch whatever telly I want and eat what food I want

the yo-yo world championships is on pasta just pasta pasta with any sauce? yeah yeah yeah with

carbonara or a cacio e pepe what shape of pasta do you it depends on how I'm feeling hungry just emotionally I like a penne

I like a classic penne me a penne is nice a fusilli isne, me. A penne is nice. A fusilli is nice. A conchiglie is nice. Shell. A pappardelle is nice. But my favourite is the little arancetti,

the little fucking ears. They look great. The ears? Yeah, the little arancetti. They make me feel a bit sick, them. Do you? I like the shells, because the shell holds the food in them.

No, no, no, not the shells. The shells are conchiglia that's the shell one the orange orange chetti i'm probably pronouncing it wrong um it's like i think this is the point where like some 23 year old patreon lad is switching off right now it's like what the fuck it's like flat little coins almost a pasta they're very nice so it's carb i love a carbonara meat oh good show yeah yeah what's your what's your if you've got phobias what's the one what's the one food that is like the worst thing you can think beans are the worst baked beans the worst um strawberries are really bad is it the are you one of them that

can't deal with the holes so no no it's not that it's so one time i was eating a strawberry and i thought to myself i bet this is what eating a tumour would be like because it's all like squishy and pussy in the middle and I've never been able to even look at one since. I'm worried about you. You're just as bad. No, I don't. I've never gone.

I can't eat that fruit anymore because I thought about eating tumours. That's a weird lane. I've never thought about eating a tumour. Yeah. No, I just thought this is what it would be like and now the squishy texture of it, the watery inside.

If you gave me a tin of tuna, is it brine that's in here, and opened it up with a fork, and I think we said this before, and there was a gun on the table, and you're like, it's one of the two. You've either got to eat all of that or blow your head off.

It's going to take a while to decide. Are you mad? I love that. Blowing your head off. Freddie, would you use a tin of tum i love that blowing your head off freddie was using that shock tumor what sorry would you eat a ton of tumor of tumor yeah in brine though but my thing is is is with the food things i know it's ridiculous i know it's a stupid thing i know it's food but my brain refuses to acknowledge that it's food well steve had a grape when he was a kid another worm in it so now he can't he grapes because in his head he's got worms and one of my brother's mates

once she she got like something like a year supply of topics remember topics obviously and she she bit into it there was half a mouse in it half a mouse in a topic did she get money no she just got a year supply of more topics she's got one year 364 what's a year of topics how many topics would you have in a day three what no a year supply of anything it's 365 of them you fucking weird three topics a day i was stacking them up like chunky chips in a gastropub. Oh, well, it's just asking. Congratulations, Freddie.

You've won a year's supply of topics. That's three months. A year's supply of crispies was like 1.2 million packs. But, like, I just thought, like, if you wanted to eat a year's, because a year's supply is, well, how many meals could I have in a year? No, that's not what it means. They're not meals topics. No, the thing that you'd have after a meal.

It doesn't mean you you live on that food. What cup of tea? I thought a year's supply would be however many you felt like you could eat. No, I don't think it's how many you could eat. Bollocks, bollocks, you liar. I'm such a fat god, you liar. How many could you eat?

10? Oh, shit. Not 10 a day, that's ridiculous, but I feel like three a day is a reasonable amount of pitch. That's half a selection box, you fat bitch. Also, I love it how you just go, well, obviously you have a chocolate biscuit after breakfast. You have a pudding after every meal.

Cornflakes and a topping. You don't base it on the person. You don't pick. They just send you 365. Honestly, in modern times, if you had half a mouse in a topic and you took a picture of it, like I think now...

That's like smile of money. Oh, yeah. Is this back in the day? Is this back in the day or recently? Yeah, this is the 90s. Yeah, where you're like, yeah. You look mad. You're sending a letter or something

and cabarets are like, oh, nightmare. Yeah, well, you want a different one, don't you? It's like them going, get on Vita Queen of Speed instead. Yeah. As a compensation. Like a yearly pass to Bolton Towers because you lost your legs. Or they go, you get a free picture.

Just them at, we want leg. Do you know that girl got- Leah Washington. Leah Washington. Why do you know that? It's because she was a bit fit, wasn't it? It's because she was a bit fit. I don i don't know why but it's internalizing she's a bit fit and she can't run from you that's but it's just one of those bits that's internalized into my brain

if she was 45 and severely overweight you would not know she's called leo washington i'm having that what happened. What happened to Leah Washington? She lost a leg on Smiler. It crashed and she was at the front and her legs got... I'm sorry to break this 10-year-old news to you. Fucking hell. She was on the front of a roller coaster that crashed. At Alton Towers? Yeah, Alton Towers.

Lost her legs. Ironically named the Smiler. This just in, Dan. The US has invaded Iraq. Oh, wow. Oh, this was big news. At Alton Towers. Do you know how much she got?

She got like three million, didn't she? Well, she was a dancer. Oh, wow. Oh, this was big news. At Alton Towers. Do you know how much she got? She got like three million, didn't she? Well, she was a dancer. Not any more. No, well, that's the thing. I think as well, one of her other mates, I think somebody else

got really injured. They might have died or something. No, everyone just got, no, she was the main one. She was the poster boy for it. No, she wasn't. She was the poster one,

but I don't think she was the most injured. If I'm remembering it right, I think that there was a couple of other people who were super injured, but because she was a dancer, they sort of led with her as the face of, you know,

Smiler and that. But she got... Finn, could you find out? Two had leg amputations. What's the other one called? I will find out for you. Girl, Freddie should know. Peter. What's the other one called? I will find out for you. Girl, Freddie should know.

Peter. Pettigrew. Ansgrove. Peter Ansgrove. Leah Washington and Joe Pugh. Close. Yeah, you don't remember Joe Pugh, do you? No.

How much did she get? How much would you want to lose your legs? Honestly, I don't really use them anyway. I mean, you nearly lost them recently. No, but if someone goes, I'll cut your legs off, and I'll give you... Both of them? Yeah. No, she just lost one.

No, but I'm saying... Are we talking... Do you also give me the best prosthetics? No, you can pay for it yourself with the money. Right, so with the money... Right, okay, so I want five million. So, because... And a year's supply of topics.

No, a year on my fucking terms, not on yours. Imagine how annoyed you'd be if you lost your legs in one topic a day because you got fucking- Also topics are shit. I know, pica bueno. So anyway- Five mil. If you want the proper, the best bionic legs,

they're like a mil each. They're not. A million for a good leg? No, the best, not a good leg, because I've got a good leg now. I want to trade up. Yeah, but what's the best? Bionic legs. Yeah, legs with like, you know, like Heelys.

But like, I can take your legs. Jetpack mode. I'll just staple some ham to a trolley and put you in it and people will think it looks like you. So you've done five, Bill. Who's got two million pound robot legs? Iron Man. you. So you've done five, Bill. Who's got two million pound robot legs? Iron Man.

Right. Have you gigged with Freddy recently? Google most expensive prosthetic legs. I bet you it's a hundred K. Yeah, I reckon a million. Just to answer before, they got two million each. Two million each. That is no end enough.

Not enough. To lose one leg, I think I could go two million. No way. What do you mean? Where would you- Hang on think I could go two mil. No way. What do you mean? Where would you... Hang on, hang on, hang on. What do you mean not enough? I don't think that's enough compensation. I bet she was a young girl and the rest of her life has changed.

Yes, they were both teenagers. Even if she was an old girl, the rest of her life's been changed. Two million pounds isn't for call, though, is it? To seriously change your life forever is not enough. Freddie, how much did you say a leg was? A million for the best leg. No, 120 grand. Thank you.

For the most advanced control. Plus VAT. You get 10 of them. Minus VAT. But I'd want to have enough in the bank that I could, you know... Keep buying new ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Keep leveling up. Because the last thing that you want is to be stuck with like a fucking iPhone 3 for the rest of your life. Like you want fucking... Can't get the apps for the leg. Yeah, you want a 6G leg, don't you? You slow them down when the new one comes out.

You just walk in there slow. Starts playing U2 from your leg. No, for me to lose a leg to a company as big as Alton Towers I'd want at least 10 that's insane and a year pass it is interesting

how they decided that it's 2 million pounds are they looking they must be like emotional damage loss of earnings it's a mad amount the judges had to go

it's this much the infrastructure you need to put in your life to be able to get round with one leg put it this way yeah but bungalows are cheaper bungalows are more expensive than what? houses

they're not they're so fucking expensive they're not they are they're only one bit yeah and they're expensive because you're paying more

it's like an iPad mini they're more expensive than regular ones because you're paying for. It's like an iPad mini. They're more expensive than regular ones because you're paying for the convenience of a beanie. She needs that bungalow money. Put it this way. If you were Alton Towers and you got the phone call, two kids have lost their fucking legs

on the Smiler and they said you're going to have to pay them two million each in compensation. Alton Towers are going, fucking fine, mate. I'll bite their leg off. What? I'll bite their leg off.

Finn's on absolute fire today. I love it million pounds to that company fuck all yeah it's nothing and also it's turnover it's but it's the pit it's the pr as well yeah fuck it now we're on pointless yeah because i bet alton towers make at least 200 mil a year yeah it's fuck all's fucking- 763 million pounds. A year? It's literally nothing. And one of their roller coasters crashed and ruined- Their profits will be a couple of hundred million,

I reckon, off that. And so it's 1% per leg. Oh, sorry. That's between the Alton Towers- Oh, it's the Merlin Group. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's the same people, isn't it?

They still make that much money. That's 2 million pounds as a spit in my face. And also also like, you're not losing your leg at Sea Life Centre, are you? So they're only paying out

for the big places, Fort Park, there. Yeah. Gulliver's World. Drayton Manor. What are you getting for fucking... Oh, imagine losing your leg

at Flamingo Land. You'd be like one of the flamingos. If you lose your leg at Camelot, you're getting about 40 quid, aren't you? Yeah. You get some nuggets and chips. Yeah, you get a Venom key ring. if you lose your leg a camelot you're getting about 40 quid aren't you yeah you get some nuggets and chips

yeah you get a venom key ring a gob stopper on your gob a lifetime supply of camelot you should just come back anytime

I don't want to imagine going back though because they probably invite you back for the I don't know what do you do cut a ribbon and have a big novelty check

for your leg and then you get on oblivion no I don't think they got back they did not back the money will be in your account you do cut a ribbon and have a big novelty check for your leg and then you get on oblivion. No, I don't think they got back. They did go back. the money will be in your account but we would like to see

you Thursday morning at 10am for the press conference. You've got to go back. Leah, you're back. How does it feel? Not great.

She'll run oblivion and the first thing she does is don't look down. She's like, oh, fuck. You've only got one leg. What's,

where did she lose the leg? Because if you lose it at the knee, or if you, What's, where did she lose the leg? Because if you lose it at the knee, or if you... Did she lose it in the car on the way home? Has anyone seen me leg? So is it the last place you cut your leg on her tag? You'd have to if it was face.

Is it like children in need? You get more money as it goes up. Yeah, that's what I think. From the bottom of the leg, you get half a mil at the ankle. Because if you're losing it mid-calf, or if you're losing it at your fucking hip, it's a different kettle of fish, right?

That's how Pudsey lost his eye, you know, on a hooker duck. Six mil. No debt for deception. Not enough money. Not enough money. Nothing off my body. A finger, I'd want five mil.

Do you know why I nearly did? For me? If I broke my finger, I'm like, I don't know, the ice blast. On the ice blast? In Blackpool. Taking Tangle down. Did you ever hear about this? Did you ever?

I think it was, I think it was at Blackpool on Space Mountain. And it stood up? No, yeah. On the black hole, sorry. No, it was the one inside, wasn't it? Inside the cave. That's closed now. It's now a shop.

You think it's closed, yeah. Because of that, the kid fell out. You're not here about this? No. So when you go on that, this is just M-bars, so you can stand up. It's like Space Invaders or something it was.

It was like a version. It's not called a black hole. It's one of the indoor roller coasters. It was all like rocky outside and it comes up like this all the way to the top and then it just vaults all the way back down but then it goes into a hole and someone stood up like hey and then it after him oh but imagine being the person behind him and you got it and then just yeah body oh no has someone been sick yeah worse who's dropped a cello on me and it's just fucking got air i wonder how much they got because that was well from blackpool from blackpool yeah the guy

who owns it will burn it down before he gives anyone any money fuck that i'm on the m50s you ever go on the wild mouse in blackpool the one that was you went on because it was actually scary the one on the pier the whatnot was in the is in the pleasure beach they closed it down because it was genuinely scary to go on. It was made out of wood and it like turned up fast. Yeah, because literally people were waiting for someone to die.

And someone went, let's not do that. Let's take it down first. I'm going to sound really boring here, but I think roller coasters are fucking pointless. What? I don't get it. Is it because you have to sit at the end? No, it's because-

Have you ever seen them seats that they do on like the rip saw? And if the thing doesn't come down, they go, right, you go fat seats. Have I ever told you about the dancing drum kit at Flamingo Land? Probably. So I was at Flamingo Land. Why? When?

This was at least 50. I could just see Dan's eyes. He's like, I'm trying to pay off a mortgage here, mate. I was with a girlfriend from ages and ages and ages ago. So it must have been 12 years ago, right? And it's a boiling hot day. And if you've never been to Flamingoland, it's fucking wank.

It's shockingly shit. It's part zoo, part theme park with roller coaster like to be honest pretty dodgy roller coaster even flamingo land i think is over selling it's it's flamingo gathering at best it's not a land of flamingos it's a pen isn't it yeah it's a pen of flamingos i'm the only to get a job so anyway i just go and shout at flamingos so you stupid pink twat so anyway right gamers there's not enough money in that park all the bins are overflowing it's a boiling hot day and there's wasps fucking everywhere i think you're looking at the the wrong bits of a theme park here mate mate. If you're judging the bins.

We're queuing up, right, to get on this roller coaster. And there's wasps everywhere and it's horrible. We get right to the front and there's a kid in the middle with Down syndrome. And he's been round, right? And they were like, all right, you need to get off. And he's like, no, not a chance. And they were like, come on, you need to go. And he's, you know, family or whatever, he's cur, whatever. He's like, you need to go and he's you know family or whatever

he's curry whatever he's like you need to go and he's like no i'm not going anywhere i'm going around again type thing and he's got his hands and he's clamped he's he's not moving anywhere right and so they go oh just fucking laying around again it's fine so another lot of people fill out the roller coaster and then he goes around again and the same thing happens like come on he's like not a chance i'm staying here all fucking day and they're like oh we can't really keep doing this so one of the organizers has an idea one of the people they go listen it's great being sat in the middle but where you want to be is you want to be sat at the front that's where the best thing is is to be sat at the front because then you get uninterrupted views.

And he's like, oh, okay. So he gets out. And then as he gets out, as two staff come to lead him away to say, look, you've had two goes, you can't really keep doing this. He runs straight through them, knocks them down like fucking bowling pins, sits right in the middle, clamps them big arms on,

and they're all like, oh, Christ, we're fucking in for ages. Didn't need to say big arms and the kid god bless him big old smile on his face just smile big old smile on his face but i'm rooting for the kid i'm like fuck the fucking establishment you do what you want mate go for it fuck queuing up good lad right and then because i'm sat right at the front watching this play out, one of the wasps is on his arm and it stings him and he just goes, and he just feels pain and he just makes this sad hollow sound and then he just stood up really sadly and walked away.

It's really sad. Cheers for that, Freddie. Cheers for that one. The worst ride I've ever been on on it wasn't even a scary ride i don't go on rides that just go round and round anymore because of this i remember being about nine years old i've had to move on because that it was too bad uh the i was once a car boot sale and um do you know sometimes they have like the the swings on chains they're about this high off the floor yeah and i went on one of them my friend jamie's on there mom and dad give us 50p i'm just going around and then the teenager fucked off and i was on it for about 40

minutes but i couldn't get off because my feet aren't touching the ground and then i just was sick all over myself but like three inches from the ground just shouting yelling and i couldn't quite catch jamie because she was always just a bit behind me and then the guy come back turns it off and i just had to walk around all day with sick all over me i think my mum bought me something off the car boots where actually and i've never been on a ride that goes round and round since then i feel really sad now. There's no dance syndrome involved in that, though? No, no disabilities, no.

No. No. Everyone had small arms and little smiles. Shall we have a break? Yes, please. Let's have a break. Lids, do us a favour, yeah? You love us, don't you?

You love this podcast. That's why you're listening to it. And especially if you watch it on YouTube, helps us immeasurably. If you go and leave a comment, like, subscribe, and turn the bell on, it sends us through the roof with the algorithm. It costs you absolutely nothing apart from half a second of your life

and helps us no end. And you can follow us on socials, can't you, Dan? Yeah, I have a word pod. I nearly said my handle then. I have a word pod. Just give us a follow and comment and don't just like something. Retweet it, share it, put it on your stories.

Just be sound. Cost nothing to be nice. Eat a good egg. Welcome back. Part four of four. I'm very hungover because of all the mind sweeping I was doing last night. I drank.

We were out for quite a while, so I drank uh 1782 drinks and pay for three i didn't pay for any i don't that's the life of a minesweeper that is impressive you just put a flag on a table and a one seven and an eight and a two came around it yeah it's a mind sweeper joke i i got it yeah oh no oh no oh dear i know the game that no one knows how to play i I have no idea. You just click until you die. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But those people who do know how to play are so smug about it. Like, oh, you don't know how to play mine. So those people are like, you've been playing Monopoly wrong your whole life. Why the fuck? How do you play Monopoly wrong? You go the wrong way.

You've got to auction every house. That's what they do in Muslim and Jewish communities. If it's not been bought, it has to go for an auction, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah it's just but people are so smug about it like oh you've been playing it wrong you know like in pool and that you know pool and like fucking you know poops you know like they've all got their own rules it's like well actually the ball must touch the oh shut the fuck up i do that i hate people who are anal about that stuff it's a game just enjoy it.

Get on with your life. And they only do it if they're getting beat as well. Can you talk more about Down syndrome people? Oh, yes. No, don't. No, no, no. The story wasn't bad. It was just a story about somebody who happens to have Down syndrome.

No, the story was bad, but it wasn't because of the Down syndrome. I don't think, yeah, that element was unnecessary. We've got some celeb encounters from our listeners i know uh brennan you've had some celeb encounters that you're not allowed to talk about but have you had any weird ones that uh you can think of well it's funny you should mention that that because i don't do you know that i lost a job for a story that I told on this fucking podcast? So was he? Yeah, I lost a literary agent. So I was meant to. We don't force these stories, have we? No, I know.

Out of nowhere, right, I'm going to do Down Syndrome Kid at Flamingo Land. Let's see what gigs I can lose. He's got it written on his hand. The thing is, is that there are some genuinely stupid cunts out there that see us appearing on a comedy podcast as comedians telling jokes. And then every once in a while,

they're like, I think that was a serious opinion. What, was it the jizzing in your own mouth? No, it wasn't the jizzing in my own... I thought that would be it because they didn't tell me at first. So basically last year I was meant to host a panel show on CBBC. Me.

Yeah. You do a lot of things to do with that. You nail that. And it's like comedians and kids so we did a pilot i put loads of work into it and it was good and then two weeks before so this is september time two weeks before i was about to film 26 episodes you came on here two grand pop oh it's on its third series now with a guy who's cleaner than like stephener. He's not clean, by the way. Oh no, but he's clean.

Yeah, he's clean in the public, but we know. So two weeks before my agent rings up and goes, you're not going to Glasgow. You're not going to Glasgow. I'm like, why? And she's like- That's all I'm telling you, but you're not. Because of a joke that you said on a podcast.

I'm like, well, which one? And they went, this one. I'm thinking right well which was it was it the bit where i was trying to suck my own dick on this sofa was it the bit where i was waxing people's assholes was it a bit where i was dressing as a boy with a lazy eye like which one was it and then cbbc wouldn't tell me i dressed as a boy with a lazy hat. I'm dressed as Adam once. And then they wouldn't tell me for ages.

And then they sort of hinted at the fact it was to do with an encounter with a celebrity person. And I was thinking, what? Because I nearly got bummed off Kevin Spacey. I was like, licking Ellie Goulding's fanny. Licking Ellie Goulding's fanny. How do I get, me? That was live as well. Well, you can only lick it live. We told that afterwards do I get, me? That was live as well. Well,

you can only lick it live. We told that afterwards. Oh, did we? That was on a live show, but we must have told, you lost that for Cunning Lingus. But what am I meant to do?

Not lick it. What am I meant to do? Go down on Ellie Goulding and not tell the story. I mean, Ellie Goulding knows that everyone who goes down on it is going to fucking

have an anecdote about it. But you would imagine as well that, like, it's a consensual story, wouldn't you? I wouldn't imagine. I'd come here with hard facts. Do they think Stephen Muller has never shagged a woman? I mean, look at him. He's got genitals like a Ken doll.

You could knock on his cock and it'd just be like... That's mad. The station should have lost it for, but not that. Yeah, the other stuff's well bad, but also, why have I been, why have I been? Yeah, you know why? Out of all the people.

Yeah, you know why? Because none of us are auditioning for CBeebies. No, I don't mean why have you not. Oh, right, yeah. Think of all the CBBC presenters there's been. And I, I didn't nonce her off. No. I would have kept me

I would have been on the fourth series now yeah but yeah I lost the job over motting out a singer do you know what though Brennan

it's not a bad thing mate no it's fine because you're a proper comic and dead good at it what are you doing on CBBC I don't know panel show time too grand an episode

26 I can see why yeah yeah but it's still CBBC, isn't it? Yeah. And he's like, if you weren't good, if you were like blagging it as a comic, I'd be like, yeah, you've got to hustle.

But you can't really do Have a Word on CBBC. Do you know what? I'd rather be here with me mates and Freddie. So weird celebrity encounters i remember seeing alice cooper once in birmingham top man buying two t-shirts for 10 quid that was weird it's weird it's weird um adam would spit at you for that he'd say that's not an encounter what i said just seeing someone oh so i have to have been in when i was a child i again don't all rush all over me with this one i stayed at the same hotel as russell grant and chatted to him the astrologer the astrologer don't jump on me briefly that might be, honestly, the worst story that's ever been told. So I remember...

I can't imagine you as a child, by the way. Yeah. You're just a smaller you with a beard. Ah, excuse me, Mr Grant. Come here. I'd like to chat to you briefly. So I remember it was like a hotel in Anglesey. Have you ever been to Flamingo Land?

I remember it was a hotel in Anglesey. It was gripping. I was about 10 or 11. What the fuck is this story? And the hotel was quite rural and I remember it having an errant sheep. Oh, what?

That was causing all sorts of low-key problems. Oh, I thought you meant like does the jobs. Well, it's a guide sheep. That's just the errant sheep. He's doing the plumbing. We need a blue milk. a guide sheep. That's just the errand sheep. He's doing the plumbing. We need a blue milk.

Send the sheep. I remember it cornering me and my brother and it being kind of funny. But then Russell Grant was sort of laughing and he had like some woman with him who I imagine was his secretary or PA or something, or manager. Who knows?

They can do that. Freddie is a child. I wonder if that's a secretary or PA or manager. Well, he's not fucking her, is he? He might be. Have you got any pictures of you being young that I can slide in? Because I'm so interested.

I think my mum would have some somewhere. You'd hope so. I'll text her. Can you please get one? Because I am so interested in what you look like when you were like 12. I could probably find one for you. There's probably one when he went to that chocolate factory and got sucked at that pipe.

I just, I looked bizarre when I was 12 because I had a head that you needed to grow into. You still get there. It'll happen one day. Right, we've got some celeb encounters. This first one is from Alex Dunage.

When I was seven, I went on the banana boat ride at Thorpe Park with Ronan Keating. The next week, I was in OK Magazine behind him with the heading Life is a Roller Coaster.

Oh, yes. Oh, nice. It's a good one. Do you reckon as he was on it, as the thing came down, he went, la-da-da-da. He just had it coming to him. You write songs. Surely it must come to you. It's a good one. Do you reckon as he was on it, as the thing came down, he went, la da da.

He just had it coming to him. You write songs. Surely it must come to you. Hang on, hang on. It was in the news bit. Were the paparazzi at Thorpe Park? They paid the five pound for the picture. They were on a mug.

That's clever. Did Ronan Keating get his own picture from a roller coaster and send it to a paper? This is too good. Someone's going to need this. Back then, though, the paparazzi and people like that were massive stars, and he got chased around, didn't he? No one gives a fuck about Ronan Keating no more.

Chased around four parts? Yeah. You'd have cared back then. Oh, here's Mark Owen at Alton Towers. Can I have one ticket, please? You're not a paparazzi, are you? I saw two members of Blue... I think boy bands love a ride, you know? I've saw two members of blue boy bands love a ride you know

i've seen two members especially steven gailey dead they did rest in rest in peace go on who did you see uh two are blue which one the one who sings hi lee ryan lee ryan. And the gay one. Who's in Hollyoaks. Duncan. Duncan from Blue, yeah. Is Duncan from Blue gay now? I think he always was.

By the way, Duncan from Blue is like the footballer. You have to say the full name. Yeah. Yeah. You have to say Duncan from Blue. What is his surname? Duncan? Is it Bannentat?

Is it James? Is it Duncan Bannentat? Is it Duncan Bannentat? Is it Blue? It is Duncan James. Is it Duncan Ferguson it Duncan Vanity it is Duncan James is it

Duncan Ferguson Duncan Donut was Duncan Ferguson in blue right

next celebrity encounter this one's from Charlie I once saw Shola Amiobi Shola

Amiobi about Marks and Spencer's in Bolton buying a suspicious amount of hummus

what is a suspicious amount I hummus. What is a suspicious amount? I think it's more than five. I think it's less than a pot. That's a thing just that. Can I have this hummus? Weighing it in. That's a fruit. A trolley full of hummus is going to raise eyebrows, isn't it?

I think five hummuses, five hummys is a lot. No, five hummys is a dinner party. Yeah, that's the 40th. You've got... That's the 40th of hummus. 150 hummys. Imagine the girl at the checkout having a 40th aren't we yeah

and how's your how's your dip selection yeah it's alright thank you I'll be the first to wish you happy birthday right next one

from Andrew K right lads got a celeb encounter that my dad experienced while working at security in Edinburgh airport he used to get a lot of random celebs

coming through but the best encounter was Davina McCall her bags were stopped going through the scanners to check some suspicious items they opened her case to find a bunch of random celebs coming through, but the best encounter was Davina McCall. Her bags were stopped going through the scanners to check some suspicious items. They opened her case to find a bunch of sex toys,

dildos, butt plugs, etc. Davina was completely unfazed when her case was searched. Oh, God. From Big Brother to Big Shagger. Andrew. I think she seems dead silent,

Davina McCall. Yeah. I like that about her. I like the fact that she's been caught with loads of sex toys. She's like, yeah, I'm a woman that fucks. And what dickhead? How do you think I've got these abs? like the fact that she's been caught with loads of sex toys and she's like yeah I'm a woman that fucks and what dickhead

how do you think I've got these abs yeah I think she seems like a fucking sad I know what you mean that's you not presenting

big brother's big mouth anymore that's what they call Davina's fanny what because Russell Brand's been in it I always feel so disappointed when I see dad do this What, because Russell Brand's been in it? I always feel so disappointed when I see Dan do this.

He goes full Napoleon Dynamite. He's like, gosh. What were you going to say then, Dan, about Davina McCall? You going to say something? Yeah, I totally agree. And I think she'd be... She seems cool as fuck. She was like a nice lady. Was she on heroin for a bit?

Yeah. Was that the story? I'm big brother as well. Not at the same time. Yeah, she went to a big drug addict. When she was young and then she just got off it and she cleaned it up.

Yeah. She seems so sound though. So sound. Hey, listen, I don't travel with sex toys, but... Do you need all of that so much

to be like well I'm going for a weekend away in Edinburgh but I can't go without my dildo my cock ring and all the butt plugs

several yeah because there'll be different sizes and weights weights yes they have what

you have weighted butt plugs so some butt plugs are silicon that's your standard beginner but some are some are more

metal variety because the weight in them provides a different sensation you're fucking virgin oh yeah okay and that was freddy on butt blows have you seen that that one where you can be from a dick like i guess if you're in a long-term relationship and you're like say say you're you're away and you can basically play the game control it yeah but i don understand, like after a while, surely that gets boring. Cause you're just like playing Snake 2 essentially. Yeah, you don't know what's happening, do you?

You'd want to see it. Yeah, you want to see it. I get it in a restaurant where you're like, I was like garlic bread. Yeah, but totally if you're in a different city. Yeah, but I imagine that you could like, you could FaceTime. I bought a lasagna and garlic bread for the homeless woman.

And he was 50 yards away, and he heard a homeless woman go, Woo! Garlic bread! She did. I said, are you hungry? You made a homeless woman come. I said, are you hungry? Because the people at the co-op, I always buy food for them.

I said, are you hungry? She went, yeah. Get me a lasagna. I'm going to the hostel later i can cook it we're going on a family lasagna and as a little surprise i got her two garlic breads and then when she opened the bag when i was fair down the road she went garlic bread yay like they do yeah but now she's going to get a taste for that yeah i'll buy her more than she's always there yeah but you don't want to be there every day no i don't go to the car every day. So when you see her down an alleyway sucking dick for a garlic bread. I did that.

That's me, though. What she needs is a house, but, you know, they're expensive. So she's just going to be surrounded by garlic breads. If you get enough of them, you can... That's what she's doing. Yeah. What, like a sort of Italian Hansel and Gretel? Blow your garlic bread house down.

Right, we've got to have a word to round us off. Oh, my Lord. It's time to have a word with Dan and Carl and Finn. By the way, if you've got a bingo card for today, I don't know if you've won. I don't know if you've done so well, actually. Right, this comes in from James. Lads, I need you to have a word with my bird.

We went on a little city break the other week and I'd forgotten to pack my toothbrush. When it came time to brush my teeth, I just used hers and thought nothing of it. She went fucking mad saying it was disgusting and was in a proper mood with me. My argument is she regularly has my cum in her mouth with no problem.

So how is that any better than me using her toothbrush? Have a word with her for being mental. I have a word with me if you think I was out of order. I agree with him. It's fine. But she regularly just has it in her mouth. Not as regularly as brushing her teeth, I don't think. No.

Twice a day. And what you want is that bit of solace afterwards, don't you, to get your own toothbrush and you go, I'm going to clean that away. I don't want more of him in my mouth. I think using somebody else's toothbrush is gross. No, I couldn't give it up. I think if somebody used my toothbrush, I'd be annoyed.

Why? I think they'd be annoyed. Because it's your mouth germs. Not somebody. Not somebody. Yeah. Your partner. Obviously, if it was Dan, it's mouth germs.

What about other men's jizz in your mouth, you virgin? No, I think the person you share saliva with regularly, kissing and cumming and shit, it doesn't matter. Yeah, but it's a bit of food. It's a little flex of food isn't it getting out your mouth isn't it

you lick someone oh that dry mango that my brush for my dry mango if you're licking someone's arsehole sharing two brushes is fine

yeah but I'm not it's a good point but I also think as well just get a toothbrush they cost like a euro maybe he just forgot it yeah he's just get a toothbrush. They cost like a euro. Maybe he just forgot it.

Yeah. He's just good at the show. Why have we gone euro? Because he's in Italy. Did he say Italy? No. He said City Break. City Break.

They could have just gone to Leeds. Can I pay one euro for this? We're Flex Freddy in some part of Lancashire trying to buy a toothbrush with a euro. It's currency. Grow up. You're toothbrush with a euro. It's currency. Grow up.

You're in legal tender. You're in Bamber Bridge. You're in Bamber Bridge. Nothing about Italy at all. An Italy bridge. An Italy bridge. What a cultured man you are. I know I do.

You really do. But I genuinely thought he was in Italy. You were so invested in that where you just like pictured Rome. Yeah, I did. I pictured like Venice or like Siena. Laura fumes. Laura fumes if I use her toothbrush.

Not into it at all. Me and Sienna can fight. So I had this last week. So my situation with my ex, still friends, share the dog, still three years down the line. Didn't you go away together recently? Yeah, we went to go and surprise my sister. My sister was really surprised.

She was like, what's she doing here? It was only because my sister couldn't in the middle of Parma, but that's a different story for a different day. Was it Italy? No, different Parma, Mallorca. Lovely city break. And we, so sometimes she'll come around

and drop the dog off when I'm not there. And occasionally she'll just decide to have a bath or a shower. Brennan, you know your ex, does she know that she's your ex? Or does she think that you're still going out? Or she kicked out. Dylan? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What was that, Ronaldinho? Is it Ronaldinho? Because Freddie knows her. I know. So she does. Yeah, she's lovely. She does some work for knows her. I know. So she does... Yeah, she's lovely. She does some work for me. So I know...

Just the boss. I'm hungover enough that Freddie's fingers today have... It's been magical watching them work. Just the... I don't know what's going on. You do this a lot. What?

And you know, that's apparently like an Illuminati sign. Is it? Fuck off, Freddie. He's not getting in the Illuminati. No, you throw a lot of them. Expand on that thing. Why am I not getting in the Illuminati? I'd like to come to the Illuminati sign. Is it? Fuck off, Freddie. He's not getting in the Illuminati. No, you throw a lot of them up. Expand on that thing. Why am I not getting in the Illuminati?

I'd like to come to the Illuminati. Here's one euro. Let me in. Fucking hell, his cloak's a bit tight. No, apparently all this gear. You throw loads of them up. Yeah. Isn't it?

I don't think I've ever noticed it today. I've noticed it. But today, because I'm hungover, I'm watching it in a different way. And that was just... It's Minority Report-esque. I know that I say you noticed it today. I've noticed it. But today, because I'm hungover, I'm watching it in a different way. And that was just... It's Minority Report-esque. I know that I say you what sorry quite a lot. Because every time I do this podcast,

somebody in the comments is like, you what sorry? I've got the worst hearing in the world. No, but it's just politeness as well. It's a nice way to say it. I can't hear. I hear about 60%. And sometimes it's quite obvious

that I needed to hear something. And so I go, you what sorry, like that. And it's the tick that I needed to hear something and so I go, you weren't sorry, like that, and it's the tick that I have developed. I'm sorry if my deafness inconveniences you. Go on,

you with your ex in Parma? Oh no, that was a different thing. So she comes round to drop the dog off recently as a shower. I used to have a shower after I did that as well.

And I've, I'm not there. I'll come back. First of all, the towel rail is off the wall. I don after I did that as well. And I'm not there. I'll come back. First of all, the towel rail is off the wall. I don't know how that's happened. It's just on the floor. How mad is it? She pulled that off.

And then just left it on the floor. Just left it on the floor. Didn't she design that bathroom as well? Yeah. But the towel rail's new. All right. So she pulled that off. And then my toothbrush is just on the floor of the shower.

Facedown. She's drowning. She's stuck that up her pussy. That's what she's fucking done. She's jammed that right up there. I don't think so. I think so. Why would he get it?

He's had the pussy. No, I think that you've pissed her off. And she's gone, fuck this guy. Rammed the towel rail off. Got the toothbrush, jammed it up her. Left it on the thing. think that you've pissed her off and she's gone fuck this guy rammed the towel rail off got the i don't think you should allow ex-girlfriends access to your shower and bathroom they i mean she's got a key yeah yeah actually you're gonna loss on your bathroom no yeah there's a yale i mean for the front door did Did she offer any, obviously you went, hey mate, not to cause any shit, but.

I'll tell you. This is how it went. Is your bathroom still pink? Yeah. His house is gorgeous. I've not even been in it, but I've just seen pictures. Right.

This is what I said. Okay. We're nearly there. You talked to her that much? Yeah, that's a lot of texts. Yeah? Have you had a recent girlfriend since you've had this situation?

No. They're engaged, I think. I don't think that's going to work. Here we do. Get another one. Right. I kind of like it. I think it's a green flag, not a red flag.

Yeah, I think it's a nice thing. I don't think other girls are going to feel like that. I think when you're younger, I think being weird friends with your ex for no reason I think is weird. But I think as you get older, I think it weird friends with your ex for no reason I think is weird. But I think as you get older, I think it becomes more of a sign of maturity.

I think you should get them out of your life. His new girlfriend comes home. Why is the towel rail ripped off the wall and you're two brushing the bath? But what if you had an ex and then all of a sudden you just decided that you wanted to start dating her again? I don't want to date her.

She didn't want to date me. We're just friends. That's different, really. He really is, Adam. That's getting back together with... Oh, I bit. I bit so hard. This is how mature it is between us. Very mature.

Me. 1.17pm. Please don't leave my toothbrush on the floor of the shower instant reply thought that was the spare it's obviously falling off the side like should we use some critical thinking also i'll reattach the towel rail everything is ag man have a day off what the fuck she doesn't doesn't sound like your friend did she not did she not admit to pulling the towel rail off she just said

she didn't say so just to clarify she's come in ragged the towel rail off I don't even know how jammed a toothbrush up her fanny and left it in the floor

and then she said to you that you're causing aggravation and that you need to have a day off I fucking love that woman. She's sound. That's brilliant. Just don't use me toothbrush.

Yeah. To answer your question. Do you brush your teeth in the shower? No. I do. Do you? Do you? Why?

Why? Saves time. You're not that pissy. But it doesn't save time because you still have to brush your teeth. No, because it's when the condition is in me. But what I do, I go shampoo, body topper.

Same. Wash out. Very fucking partridge. I'll walk you through it. Then conditioner. I don't touch the sides. Bottom half. That's insanity.

So you change the things in your hands that many times. Yeah. I go shampoo, it's in. While I'm washing my body, wash the shampoo out, put the conditioner in, brush my teeth, and then rinse everything away, and I'm done. I don't have a system. I just trust the water to get where it needs to be.

You needed to add more than water, I think. Oh mate, are you like bent over? You are sorry? Yeah. Like a huge rock that's been rained on. I just trust that the water knows. I just trust that the water knows where to go and I'm just in the water for a bit.

And then I wash my head a bit. No, you do use your hand to clean areas. I won't say your hand. No, what I tend to do is just grab the nozzle if I really need to. Do you finger your bum hole a little bit when you're cleaning it? No.

I like tapping on the door. Tapping on the glass. With what? With my finger. I don't finger my ass though. When you're just washing the glass. With what? With my finger. I don't think my ass though. When you're just washing the... No.

What? What? Go. What? You've done that thing, haven't you? Where you go, everyone does this, and everyone's gone, what's that mate? And you've got all shit. When you're washing your bum hole.

Yeah. And then you just sort of tap the glass a bit. So you just sort of rub the bum hole. When you said tap the glass, do you mean the glass of the shower? No. I thought you meant the shower. I thought.

No, I'm not. I'm not going to finger up my ass and then go. I thought you were tapping shit off. Dylan's in there having a piss. We're not together, but have a look at this. I thought you were like tapping shit off your finger. No, it feels like you're tapping the glass. You're not gone in.

You're just like, hiya, put on your bumhole. Oh, I fully scrubbed my bumhole, mate. Yeah. I sexually assault myself every time I wash your bum hole. Oh, I fully scrubbed my bum hole, mate. Yeah. I sexually assault myself every time. Well, I have to, you wash the hair on the, I need to start shaving my asshole, I think. Yeah. Use Manscaped.

Use code WERD20 at checkout. Oh yeah. Smooth. Right, fellas, just before we finish the episode, we've got some treats for you. Ooh, you're all hungry? Everyone hungry? Oh, we're doing that thing, aren't we? We are.

Freddie's got two minutes until he has to vacate, so let's get it done. Dan and Freddie and Brendan versus food. Oh, he's got strawberries. Oh, we got some strawberries. Just the sight of fruit. That's not crisps. For the audio listeners...

For the audio... For the audio listeners... For the audio... For the audio listeners... Get a bin for... Why is he scared of strawberries? We've got strawberries, baked beans and... Oh, not baked beans. Here you are, kid. Look at him.

He's tearing the fucking... Foot right off. They're not going to jump out. You are like a guy with rabies that's got water. That's weird. I don't drink water. Yeah. That is...

I wouldn't be able to... If I have one of those strawberries, I'd be sick. They look like great strawberries. They look lovely. Have you got anything for me to be sick in? We've got crisps. Yeah, we can get you a bin. It's a full bin, like, but...

Yes. If you're not arsed, then I'm... Grab... Are you going to try it? Oh've got crisps. Yeah, we can get you a bin. It's a full bin like, but yeah. If you're not asked then I'm- Grabbed. Are you gonna try it? Oh, this is beautiful. I won't try the beans, I'll try the strawberry. Dan, you like them? I don't even like the idea of touching them.

Let's just focus on Freddie, cause I will vomit. Brennan, can you tuck into your pot noodle please? Yeah, like this doesn't, like the beans I'm not having, but this is fine. That's lovely, but it's just chicken noodles. Is this the best flavour? Yeah, yeah, yeah. By miles.

It's actually vegetarian, even though it's chicken. Isn't that insane? It's just chicken flavour. I just wait for it. You just like shave a chicken. First ever pot noodle for Brennan Rees. How are we feeling? Oh, don't do that.

First of all. It's all right. They're not super noodles though, are they? No, they're different. All right. Different of all, it's all right. They're not super noodles, though, are they? No, they're different. All right. Different brand. And now for the strawberry, ladies and gents, Freddie Quinn. Oh, my God.

I really don't want to. This is going to take me ages. Freddie, just don't think of tumours. If you're listening as well, it was worth going and watching Freddie's face when them strawberries got put on the table. Because the thing is, I know that everyone's going to be a dick about it, but I hate this.

This is how much of a cunt I am. I find this ridiculous. I'm now watching like everyone else. This is fucking stupid. Even though I am this twat. Here he goes. Nice and close. Smells like strawberries.

Sniff that. Yeah, I know. I wanted the smell to calm me and think it's just a normal strawberry, but it made me think of strawberries even more. But tumours don't smell like strawberries. yeah i know i i wanted the smell to calm me and think it's just a normal strawberry but it made me think of tumors don't smell like pretend it's like those scratchings if you scratch it it smells like the bear after 32. oh it's just a big tumor just pretend it's a poor person and smash it yeah three just pretend it's an open spots nip Just pretend it's an open spots nip.

Oh, here we go. Oh, it's in. It's so slow. Oh, big bite, big bite, big bite. Big bite. You can't leave your table until you've finished it. Bite down, bite down, bite down. Go on, go on.

Yeah. He's going to fall. Freddie, close your eyes. Think of England. Go. You've got to have five of them a day. Oh, God. This is knocking me sick.

For Freddy's face. Come on, bite down big boy. Lord. Some of the juice went on my tongue. Strawberry juice. Do you want me to feed it you? Would that help? Because it'll give you a sense of power then and you'll enjoy it.

Freddy, just close your eyes and bite. Right to the grass bit at the end. Ladies and gentlemen, it's been an absolute pleasure having these. Freddie Quinn, Brennan Rees. That was fucking rank. Freddie, what do you... It's so stupid.

Freddie eating any fruit. At Freddie Quinn, what do you want to promote quickly I'm going on tour I'm going 20 dates across the UK and Ireland brand new hour of stand up you can get tickets at freddiequinn.co.uk or.com Brendan Rees you're on CB be soon no no no no I'm on the

dole yeah follow me on socials I did a comedy special that I put on YouTube it's on there Brennan Rees Crowded it's brilliant mate thanks mate

I love the response to it as well people love it go and watch because Ishan isn't here go and watch Ishan's special The Pretender that's on YouTube Ishan Akbar

The Pretender all of them made by Will Hutchpey I could feel him like I did that yeah go and give it a watch. And a bit of music to play us out. Yes, this is an absolute banger this week.

It's a lad I've worked with a couple of times. This is Caden Nolan. It's a tune called Undersold. If you like Sam Fender and Kasabian and that sort of stuff, it'll be right up your street. Beautiful. I'll be back next week. Love you lads.

Why do I feel undersold? next week. Love you lads. What did you expect us to be you only come so high before you realize branches break easily saying f1 is a c i would try so hard to tell ourselves it ain't so Why do I feel all the soul? This life was magic, I was told Well, I never got my back when I was ten years old I never knew to chase him on, it was the goal Oh, oh Change him on and what's the goal? So you wait for the siren, for a fireman to come Only to be bitten by eyes, thin, swiney eyes Before you ask other people for the answers of your soul

Talk about rolling the dice of life The wisest birds they fly high, so high Where the fools they sit and perch on the trees The castle living shoots through the sky Where it's messy to just Do what we're told. Why do I feel the soul? This life was magic. I was told.

When it begun. Like back when I was ten years old. I never knew who to chase. I was the goal. Why do I feel undersold? I thought the streets were paved with gold The crescent and the sun No cliffs with hope but no parole

We never knew to chase him All there was to go Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh you