Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #271 with Neil Delamere - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: April 7, 2024

Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan Nightingale & Fiends Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.ukComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsCheck out Finn's music: https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20Füm | https://tryfum.co.ukHead to tryfum.com/HAVEAWORD and use code HAVEAWORD to save an additional 10% off your order today.NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Become one of the lids:https://patreon.com/haveawordpodTickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world.Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening lads, just before we kick this week's episode off, just to remind you, my tour runs all the way through until the end of May and I've still got some really big shows coming up including Cardiff, Blackpool, Leeds, Huddersfield, York and of course Liverpool at the M&S Bank Arena. They're not the only dates though, go and check them all out, full listings at adamrowe.co.uk forward slash tour and help bring home the biggest tour I've ever done. It's been an absolute dream and I'm so excited for the rest of the schedule Dan? If you want to see me live this year

dannightingale.com I'm doing Dan Nightingale and Fiend shows all around the country they go from March right through to November some of my very funny mates and me on stage

you're going to enjoy it it's going to be mayhem dannightingale.com for those but we've got to tell you before we start today's episode about our Patreon the biggest Patreon in the uk one of the biggest in the world for a fucking reason patreon.com slash have a weird pod options to sign up for three five or ten quid but even if you just

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Like the video as well and subscribe and ring the bell and all that. Helps us. Cushion on. Get on me. You know what I mean? Wag wag leads. You're listening to the funniest podcast in the game. From the heart of Liverpool.

With Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only Have A Word. Brought to you by Manscaped. The very best products on the market for below the waist grooming. Go, Ed. Get on me. Welcome, welcome, welcome. I'm having my cake and eating it too today. T-shirts on there and ham. Oh, I haven't got my ham out, but fucking this one.

Is that a vest? This cheese and ham toasty. The butcher. It looks like a vest. It does look vesty. It is the thing. It's the thing. You Is that a vest? This cheese and ham toasty. The butcher. It looks like a vest. It does look vesty. It is the thing. Right. It's the thing.

You have got a vest on. It's not a vest. Oh, God. Has it got sleeves? Promise me it's got sleeves. It's got sleeves. Have you got a pick-up trup? Trup?

You can't do banter if you say it wrong. Has it got a stain on it? No. Yeah. It's a fresh, freshly washed and folded by a lovely company in Kirkdale. I need that number, by the way. But I am going to

start wearing vests in the summer. You fucking not. Vest, cowboy boots, denim hot pants. They're just a convenience undershirt, aren't they? I don't know. What's more convenient about having no sleeves?

Because don't you feel a bit like, ugh, sometimes when you've got like a shirt. The thing is, what he's factoring in is when he... A shirt under me shirt. Yeah. I'd feel a bit, yeah, if I had a shirt on under me shirt, I'd be like, oh.

A t-shirt under me shirt. You know what I mean, Carl? Carl, what he's factoring in, the Nashville, Tennessee weather, which he's going to be experiencing full time when he definitely moves. I think that's what you're sort of dressing. I do think it's going to be experiencing full-time when he definitely moves. I think that's what you're sort of dressing. I do think it's going to be hard

to come back from Nashville this time. You're dressing for the place you want to live in, not the place you live in. Yeah. Don't wear the fucking vest. I do think it's going to be hard to come back. Why do they call it a wife beer? Now, I've answered my own question in my head

and I don't want you to. Okay. But you know why. Yeah, I do know. I've done it. I've already done it. Would you be able to wear that t-shirt on its own

because it does look like a very low neck. Yeah, you look like you're in The Wanted. Great reference. Some of your hammers. Whoa! Holy shit!

Oh, that's some thin white caddon. Woo! Fucking hell! It's just a thin little T-shirt. I know it is, you dirty bitch. Oh, my God, your tits look great. Some of your jambon hair is crawling down like ivy.

Wow, that was a rooney. Mate, that was a T-shirt. Many, many audio listeners, let me just tell you this. Adam is looking fucking hairy of chest today. Women love hairy chests. On men. On men. The women of Rotherham like them on themselves.

All right. That's two shout-outs to Rotherham in two weeks. Someone commented going, yes, Rotherham. They're never good shout-outs, though, are they? I'll tell you where I've been that I loved. Rotherham. Anyway, you look lovely. You do look a little bit southern,

but like I say, I think that's what you want. We're getting the photo took today, aren't we? We're taking the photo for the new posters for the patrons. For the £10 patrons. The £10 patrons get a free poster. You can't buy it anywhere. All the existing £10 patrons will be sent the updated posters because they're good eggs. If you are a patron... £10 patrons will be sent the updated posters because we're good eggs.

If you are a Patreon... £10 Patreon. If you're a £10 Patreon, on Monday the 22nd, whether you've been a Patreon for four years or four days, you are going to receive two new posters signed by us all. 22nd of April. £10 Patreon.

Stop. We're not signing them, are we? What? Yeah. They've got gaps to sign. Purposely. I thought this one's not getting signed that one's not getting signed no you've just said two new posters

signed by us all one poster it's just signing it's not hard it's just pen you just squiggle no no it'll take half an hour

40 minutes it'll take you two four weeks it's not my problem then what it's not my problem is it yeah it is no my problem is what that's not my problem is it yeah it is no my problem is

that Carl has just said we're signing both of them and we're not I know but I could sign both of them I'm not gonna but we're not signing both of them so why would we tell people we're signing both of them

why are we not signing both well what I'm saying is why are we not signing both of them two pens do it at the same time but okay you get one sign

I'm just confiding the thing we'd all I didn't want us to be sending posters I was unsigned When we was just promised That they'd get unsigned I think we should be signing both of them I think you're being fucking lazy

You too can't sign posters You literally said You didn't want the photograph One signing You Did I? Yeah Why don't I just shut the fuck up then?

It does take four and a half weeks To sign posters No it doesn't It takes 45 minutes You lie It takes you like Oh god Oh god I can't do it I'm happy to sign posters? No, it doesn't. It takes 45 minutes. You lie. It takes you like, oh, oh God, oh God,

I can't do it. I'm happy to sign all of them. It was you kicking off as always. Oh, here we go. When I was drinking, I was drinking from your Sharpie. I had nine Sharpies here.

Where have they all gone? These are my pens. And mine's sweet pens. You were drunk because you were fucking robbing everyone's bevies and then you started kicking off. That needs to all stay in. It's all all staying in i want everyone to know what's going

on i have got onset early onset dementia and i've forgotten what i've said but i think we should sign everything and if you don't get a sign poster it's because these two cried we will sign the poster i'll sign the one that's got space to be signed on signing over your beautiful face do you know i mean oh you've come in looking all fine for it brand new designs by the one that's got space to be signed on. It's signing over your beautiful face, do you know what I mean? You've come in looking all fine for it. Brand new designs, by the way. It's not old one, brand new. It's going to be fire. So 22nd of April, make sure you're at Zampan Patreon.

And that's why I've dressed up a little bit. You, listen, you look smart a lot. You either go Tennessee mechanic or heightened drug dealer. They're your two it's a it's a it's when you move to Nashville and you turn up in your fucking

I want to say Monterex but he's has he got oh yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah, I'm a bad t-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d- Even though this morning in the group I said, hey, knobheads, it's photo day. I was here last night. I forgot. Oh, 420, bro. So I've got a bad t-shirt on. You love that little shirt, don't you? I love it. It's my favourite. You don't like it, do you? I know, I love it.

It says road from the back. Do you like it? Yeah. You look really nice, Finn. Thanks, Dan. Also, the picture's in the back. That's a good point. It's fine.

Don't worry. You stay over last night? I did. Yeah? What were you getting up to? Anything going on? I was in Pogues. Was you?

On your own? Summer Blossoms were in Pogues as well, which was nice. Summer what? Blossoms. I thought you said the Summer Blossoms were in Pogues. The Summer Blossoms, yeah.

It was very awesome. I was drinking with their manager on the night before. I'm not one to go and disturb people, though. I'm a big fan of Blossoms but I was just like they're having a pint I'll leave them to it

and they thought the same about you they probably did we'll just leave them we won't disturb them did you kiss any women no no time for the Blossoms

I'm necking on not like Harry in Pogues oh Harry's so in love, though, isn't he? Oh, Harry is a fucking rambunctious little sausage, by the way. Oh, yeah. What's he been doing? What's he been doing?

Kissing women. Fucking, like... Like... Oh, yeah. He's a horn dog, mate. Are you a kisser, yeah? I got a message. Yeah.

Yeah. That said, Harry, please stop power necking in pose. Are we allowed to say your bird's name? Your girlfriend's name? Yeah. Big Bev. She's great.

So me and Bev will power neck in pose. The thing is, if you fall in love with the dinner lady, she's going to want some attention. She isn't the dinner lady, though, is she? No, she's not a dinner lady. No, she's a very attractive woman. Are you into kissing, Dan?

What? Bev? No, women? I would be. Do you like kissing? Yeah, yeah. Do you into kissing, Dan? What? Bev? No, women? I would be. Do you like kissing? Yeah, yeah. Do you like kissing? I love kissing.

Bumholes. No, no, no. I mean, are you into like a... Do you know what I thought the other day? It's been a long time since I've had a good ear lick. You know?

I remember... Why are you looking at me like that? You said I look nice. Come on, it's photo day. Do you know what I mean? You've always got headphones on. That's true. Even when I's loud how often do you kiss

um i don't mean like i love you i mean like promise you about 10 of how much i'd like to kiss oh mate this morning went in for a goodbye smooch with Laura. It's a morning one. She puckers her arsehole. It's like a... No, hang on. She... What?

She puckers her lips. Lips, yeah. Because it's a morning one and she's had a coffee and she doesn't feel kissable. She thinks she's shit. She's got... She thinks she's got bad breath.

She has. She's very puckered. Yeah. So I get a little peck then. What do you want in the morning? Do you want a little fucking tongue fuck in the morning? Yeah, that's wild, that bit. Just walk kissing me.

Especially when you're fresh in there, no? Oh, I don't mind, you know. I get in there in the morning. I'd rather that than the other way around. Really, yeah? Yeah, because I just get like... About your self-defense. If a girl goes on like brushes her teeth

and gets back in bed and you're sat there and you can taste like poo in your mouth. That's not good. That's not good. That's never good. What was I doing last night? You're like, whoa. I'm just doing a shit here, love. What are you doing? When you're both drunk

and your breath must be absolutely humming but you're like, don't give a fuck. You're both boozed up and then in the morning when you're like Why are you just calling for a little cummy again? Kiss. This might be quite dangerous, but I like the smell of alcohol on a woman's breath. Nashville. Nashville mechanics.

I like the smell of alcohol on a woman's breath. Is that Tommy Welps? Yeah. Teddy Swims. Teddy Swims, that's it. Tommy Welps. What about Teddy Swims? Is that one you like?

Is that one the ones you like? He's like? Is that one the one you like? He's good. Is that one the one you like? I don't know a lot about him at the minute. Yeah, I didn't. I thought we were making up names. So I came up with, as he said Teddy Swims, I was like, that's funny.

I'll come up with Jimmy Nibbles. And then it quickly came out that I'd been making up names and Teddy Swims is a real fucking, who's Tommy Welps? Have I just made that up? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Swimmer.

I like the taste of alcohol. Smell or taste? He was in Ground 4. Either. Oof. Or either. Or either. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Maybe you need to start kissing more. Don't come to me like I'm I'm keen mate but we've told you this a million times like an elbow song mate hour long hungry kisses I'm into it

you know this band called Keen that you could have just gone for yeah I wanted to do the line from an elbow song but you're saying

you're into all this stuff and you want it but you're not like taking the steps to sort it out are you saying you want your ears licked you're walking around

with headphones on you're saying you want to get noshed off you've always got your pants on like you're not making it easy yeah to sort it out are you you're saying you want your ears licked you're walking around with headphones on you're saying you want to get noshed off you've always got your pants on like you're not making it easy yeah yeah yeah

and I could be kissing my wife but I'm mind sweeping I know she didn't want to kiss me I've just stolen a fucking

some birds gin and tonic yeah I know right so I'll stop all of that and just start necking on with Laura I love the idea of every two minutes

just for any new listeners obviously because there's going to be people tuning in for the first time today because Neil is a big guest. Darren's got a reputation for being a man who

harbours snakes and robs bevvies. And if you're a new listener, this is the bullshit bell. This is one drink stolen and now it's a character assassination. No, it isn't. Absolutely. We can't keep doing this every week

okay you're gonna try though you're gonna try no you just need to be honest about it who's coffee is that you love Robin Bech

is that mine dying for a coffee look we accept it as a personality flaw you know none of us are perfect are we you know

no you are I'm not that good on a motorbike no I'm asthmatic you rob babies I'm asthmatic on motorbikes. But I won't wear a helmet.

I don't give a fuck. Yeah, I'd love more smooching. Have you ever thought that Laura might be kind of a bit Muslim? Have you looked closely? No. Holy shit. I've been wondering where she's been going on Fridays. I don't know if it's a specifically Muslim thing, actually.

It's definitely a Turkish thing. Kissing's not a big part of the culture. Like, actual smooching. Oh, well, then she's a devout Muslim. I hate to break it to you, but that might have happened. Yeah? How weird would that be if your missus converted to Islam? Are you sure Muslim women don't like kissing?

Or is there just something in the way? I'm just aware that... It's a fucking valid question! Yes, from Fabri. I'm just aware that it's seen as, like, dirty. Like, that's... Not in, like, a ooh, that's dirty. Is it, like, that's dirty. That's where food

goes. Yeah, yeah. Like, look at my mouth. Instead of a 14-year-old producer. Yeah, yeah. Jamaicans don't lick pussy. And Italians, because I've watched The Sopranos. We literally had this conversation

on pod last week. It wasn't last week. You weren't here. I was. You spoke about licking pussy last week. I was here for one of them, wasn't I? I'll ask the question that got ignored while we get this back on track.

How weird would it be if your wife converted to Islam without you knowing it? That would be such a weird fuck you, wouldn't it? Is that the weirdest religion for her to convert to? It'd be really weird for me

because I'm not married. Yeah, it would be. Adam, I'm your wife. Double news. I'm your wife, by the way. Well, and I'm Muslim. Wow. Whoa.

Whoa. I'm going to stop drinking. Yeah, that would be, I feel like it would be almost offensive. Not because of the islam which you know i'm very respectful of what's the worst one then worst i didn't say worse i said weirdest or weirdest what's the weirdest one weirdest i don't know satanism is that a religion yeah is it yeah it's actually quite a cool one as in like it's all about worshipping yourself like I'm the best I am a satanist then

most evenings in my bed with lube so that's fine I've given my life to Christ Nashville just move he's ready he's 100% ready I'll just stay in Sorghal, Cheshire

with my Muslim wife I think the least convenient one for me, for my wife to convert to, would be Islam. That would be the least convenient. I'm not saying she can't. I'm not saying I hate anyone, okay? I'm just saying that would do my head in the most. Because you love a bevy and a bacon sandwich.

Yeah. Like, is there any sort of, like, devout Muslims who would just let me crack on? Because I have, like, a devout Muslim wife who would just let me have a bacon butty and a few guinness. And she'd just be like, I let him do what he wants to do. Oh, she's proper Scout. Eh, salama fukhan licham.

Yeah, you know, I'm from round here, but I am devout Muslim. You know, a lot of people went to the Catholic school. I thought, no, I'm going to a Muslim faith school. We have Muslims in our school. Yeah. Yeah. In our Catholic high school.

Oh, what? Yeah. Oh. Yeah. There's no Muslim schools by us, so they've got to go somewhere, haven't they? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

What did they do? So, all right, cool. That's fine. Did they do anything? So what did they do? At what point did... Yeah. Just maths.

Came in for maths. With... All right, cool. It's such a load of bollocks. Why do we have to have schools affiliated with religion? Just teach kids stuff. What the fuck does it have to be from one team of who believes what? It must be like getting slowly phased out, because we had RE lessons,

which were like, you know, there's God in there, and here's the book, and, you know, there's God in there and here's the book and, you know, there's some Jews over there. And that was pretty much like... Here's religion at a Catholic high school. Those two kids at the back, they're from the wrong team. Face that way. East, I imagine.

We'll teach the kids who are there. By the time I was in school, it wasn't RE anymore. It was BE, which was belief education. Oh, my God. We were learning about... Were you the same, Harry? anymore it was b which was belief education oh my god we were learning about were you the same harry no um yeah ours was b now it's be asked no one can be asked but we look we learned about religion buddhism we did all of them we did all the big hitters yes so did we all right but i think from what i've understood about catholic schools they did all of them but it was like 90 yeah it was like yeah it was but it like you could tell like we had like

a religious rd teacher as well and then like the the standings were sort of like you could tell they sort of half believed but they weren't asked they weren't like being like this is the but the curriculum's like so when we learned about religious studies, it was pretty much split. But every time I talked to someone from a Catholic school, it's like they were like, and this is what's really going on. And this is, you know, this is God's on everything,

what we're teaching. And then these mad cunts do this. But that's never mind about that. Like it's 90% Catholicism. Yeah. But even the Catholicism bit, they were sort of like, don't worry, be asked.

Right. So it's not the DJR, she's an atheist, but you have to say it as you believe it of like, don't worry, be arsed. Right. So I think it's at the DGRA, and she's an atheist, but you have to say it as you believe it, otherwise the kids are like, this is bollocks. Yeah, but like, because it's just another part of the curriculum, isn't it? Some teachers probably don't believe in Pythagoras theorem, but they still have to tell the kids about it. It's still real.

I mean, Etta's going to a C of E school. She's into it, believes, she loves it. Is it true that Catholic schools are better? I always hear like, oh, yeah, the Catholic schools are better, aren't they? So you want to be fucking... Yeah, that's what you've been told by your Catholic overlords. Yeah, but is that not real?

I've always heard that. I can't see that that is across the board, surely. Like, just because you're a Catholic school, you're a better school? Or are they just stricter? I don't know. I've always heard that, you know, you want to get them baptized

so we can go to the Catholic schools, they're better. All right. That does sound like conspiracy to... Propaganda, yeah. To recruit children, though, doesn't it? Yeah. Get them baptised.

All Hallows round our way was a good school. That was the Catholic school. Yeah. Like the blue coat's probably the best school in Liverpool. I don't think that's affiliated at all, is it? No, it won't be. Isn't it like a college? I know it's a school, but it's not religious at all, is it?

I was so close to getting in there, but I threw it in the bin. Oh, what happened? My mum and dad broke up about three days before the exam, so I just put it in the wall. Yeah. But then this would never have happened because you two wouldn't have met.

Well, you never know, though, do you? Something bigger might have happened and you might not have been here. Oh, hang on. What did we just do then? Is he my dad? though, do you? Something bigger might have happened and you might not have been here. Oh, hang on. What did we just do then? Is he my dad? Sorry, Bobo. Do you think you are each other's one,

but in a platonic way? Me and Carl. Did you just tell me? Yeah. Do you think that if you hadn't gone to school, you two fucking numpties would still find each other as Bezos? Dan, I'm your friend. I didn't go to school with you.

No, this is not the same friendship. Did we go to school together? I didn't go to school with Steve either. No, I'm your friend. I didn't go to school with you. No, this is not the same friendship. Did we go to school together? I didn't go to school with Steve either. No, I know. But you know, you are sat here as friends now because you did go to school together. Your paths crossed. Yeah.

If you'd gone to totally different schools and met each other at 20 Swicks. 20 Swicks? 20 Swicks. Oh, yeah. 26 on a night out. Do you think you'd still end up as absolute bezos? Adam lives with Jack.

He met him two years ago. All right, cool. You've got like 10 ones, best friend night out. Do you think you'd still end up as absolute bezzos? Adam lives with Jack. He met him two years ago. All right, cool. You've got like 10 ones, best friend ones, out there. I think some things are just meant to be. You and him are meant to be. You would live such a sad life. I live such a normal, practical life. No, but you think there's a higher power going.

There's no love in your heart'll tell you what, these two lads, they're meant to be together, causing fucking murder. You know, I am an all-powerful god, a benevolent, omniscient, omnipotent powerful god. And yeah, there's floods in fucking Bangladesh, but never mind that. Carl Riegler

and Adam Rowe are going to wind Les Dennis up to fuck, and I have to make that happen. Woe betide me as an all-powerful God. I'm not saying a God has forced us together. I'm saying the universe. And God didn't make the universe? What?

God didn't make the universe. Do you not believe in stuff like that? Do you not think some things are just meant to be? I think you two are fucking brilliant best mates. It's beautiful. Do you know if we hadn't brought Will in a couple of years ago? Do you honestly reckon if we'd have brought some other camera cunt in? That things would be as good and flowing and like,

wasn't he meant to be here? Wasn't he meant to be part of the team? No. Imagine if Welsh Tom had stayed instead of Finn. Do you think everything would be exactly the same? That would be great. Oh, shout out Welsh Tom. Yeah, he's great, lad. everything would be exactly the same? That would be great. Oh, shout out Welsh Tom.

Yeah, he's great, lad. He got so close. That's what it was meant to be. He got so close. His little bowie t-shirt with his little haircut on that. Yeah, imagine if that was Welsh Tom. Oh, no, Welsh. I love the t-shirt.

And my name's Tom. Instead we've got Welsh Finn. Yeah. Totally different. One of them, Mank Finn. Mank? Yeah.

Listen, I think you're right and this is all beautiful and I'm glad it happened. And it's wonderful. Jürgen Klopp in Liverpool. Do you think that was meant to be? Harry?

Harry Robinson was a mere listener. Now he sits on the couch. He willed himself into this company. But what you're saying is that this was all written thousands of years ago, apparently, by the fates. And what I'm saying is, none of us are that important just a talented guy with a camera who filmed some gigs for freddie quinn who we went that guy's good and

he's dead sound and then it's become beautiful a beautiful working relationship and i love him he's one of my new best mates it's not written oh there was no need for the word new there was there i know why caveat that i know he's one of me new friends he's a new one of my 10 last in first out you know i was gonna shoot someone i just don't i don't believe it was written in any stars or well i do like over because i've got more faith than you i yeah i think that is pretty that that is well documented yeah but i don't know what you've got faith in it's just a made-up like happy land yeah you were the weird know what you've got faith in. It's just a made up like happy land. Yeah. You have a weird defense mechanism.

I've got, I think I am more a believer in love. Because I believe, I literally believe that's all you make. You have to manifest it yourself. You're going, I don't even have to do anything. It's all written for me. I'll do fuck all. Will Hutchby will just turn up. It was meant to be hundreds of years ago.

It was written in the hundreds of years ago. That's not what I'm saying. It was in the annals of time. That's not what I'm saying. I have to work for these friendships and form these bonds of love because I think if I fuck it up, they just go. But you're not as likeable as me. You have to work. Adam, I think you're fine.

It doesn't come as naturally to you. Is this yours? I believe we have to work for it no you don't you believe in fate no but I believe I've got oh you believe in fate until you you've got to work

for your good fate yeah Dan there's a good fate and a bad fate and if you work hard you get your good one so there's loads of possible outcomes yeah oh then I too believe that yeah yeah yeah Or your good fate. Yeah, Dan. There's a good fate and a bad fate. And if you work hard, you get your good one. So there's loads of possible outcomes.

Yeah. Oh, then I too believe that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I believe that your behavior affects the many possible outcomes. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it put the outcomes there. But by putting good energy and effort into the universe, you get the good ones that are meant to be.

Right. Hang on. Got to work for this. Hang on. Oh, this is complicated. complicated no it's not that complicated you're saying there's pre-written fates that you can choose and decide which ones you want to do and if you work hard and you decide on one thing no that day was meant to happen you twist them you had some things are meant to happen but you have to work to push the universe in the

direction have you ever watched band the snatch i was just about to say that life is a choose your own adventure and life is a roller coaster have you ever watched band the snatch done no it's a thing where you you what you choose affects the next move so it's all there there's thousands of possibilities right pre-exist but then you choose which route to take but some things are inevitable no matter what including me and car being best friends right okay cool thousands thousands or millions of possibilities yeah depends yeah millions millions of possibilities then i believe in i believe in your version of fate if all outcomes are not all of them because yeah that that's the infinite universe that means that's elton john you don't believe in that you said that yeah i don't yeah so you believe in our smaller

faith version yeah i do yeah yeah yeah that i believe there's a fate where me and adam keep working together this podcast goes on from strength to strength and also that if i get a knife out and stab him that will end yeah i built you know so which one's fate bandersnatch it's not there's not that many choices as you go through there's like this or that like maybe 10 times is it a choose your own adventure and a lot of them lead to the same result. Yeah. I put it on a trillion combos.

Wow. A trillion. How many crossroads with decisions? Plenty. That won't be listed. But how many ends are there? Five. But that's what we're saying.

Yeah. There's a trillion decisions you can make, but there might only be five outcomes that are ever going to happen. Yeah. There's a trillion decisions you can make, but there might only be five outcomes that are ever going to happen. Oh, there's only one outcome. There's not an infinite amount of fates. There's five fates, and your good and bad decision

could lead you to one of your five fates. I mean, you're now closer to what I believe, but I don't believe any of those fates are pre-written. I just think you're in control of your own destiny. But that's fine. That's great. I think to accuse me that I... You don't think this was meant to be?

I just don't. Yeah, like, it's brilliant. Changed my life. Best thing I've ever done. That's not what I asked, is it? Don't think it's meant to be. I think we made it happen. Yeah.

Through will and ability, hard work and talent. We'll watch it. But then you also... And the many-faced gods who blessed us. Yes, sorry, sorry. The many-faced, infinite, unbeknownst god. We were all there at the same time. Ah, the god of timing.

No, like, the lockdown helped massively. Yeah. We started a podcast just before this pandemic hit. Without the pandemic, it doesn't accelerate the podcast the way it does without that acceleration we wouldn't have been ready to hire Carl

the second he got back from Japan millions had to die to make this podcast what it is today 6, 8 weeks yeah you miss your grandad but look what we're doing

on Patreon 6, 8 weeks behind and I come home I was like I've got to get a job and I had to get a job I haven't got time for that and then I was never a part of this the timing was perfect almost like it was like I've got to get a job and I had to get a job and go lads I haven't got time for that and then I was never a part of this

the timing was perfect almost like it was meant to be meant to be it was meant to be you know like Clop and Liverpool we hired Finn

just before his fucking ex bought a cat and tried to kill him you know that was kind of awful I didn't mention the attempted murder but yeah

yeah yeah it's all meant to be it's beautiful what's meant to be today do you know this we won't know until the end of the day we won't know until the end of the day there's five options there's me there's me saint and self-worshiping in my bed i tell you what these are probably my five outcomes for the day uh they all end you masturbating though they all probably ended me masturbating

i think it's so sad that you like there's just nothing like there's just no no no no no no no there's everything there's literally in mine there's everything there isn't and it's us that create it you create it you got this love that we talk about is on you in mine it's infinite the possibilities because i am making them in you it's like i'm on a scholastic track Let's hope I get in the right lane. Nice one, Jesus, or whoever the fuck you are. Can I switch lanes on a Skeletrix track?

You absolutely can. There's lane switches. Shut the fuck up. Yeah, but if you go too fast, you fall off. Well, isn't that, hey, that's life, isn't it? If you go too fast,

you fall off, lads. Life is like a Skeletrix track, actually. Life is like a Skeletrix track. What. Life is like a scalextric sack. I haven't used scalextrics for ages. I love the smell. Oh, my God. I'd love loads of scalextrics.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, absolutely. Why don't we get the world's biggest scalextric sack for the lobby? Quiet now. That is the best, stupidest idea you've ever had. We can put the Voldemort in the middle of it. 100%. The middle of it.

100%. The smell of it when it started burning up. That turns me on a bit. 225 quid for a massive one. So what if we buy four of those? Almost like we were meant to buy it. Oh, my God. Thank you, whoever you are. That's amazing.

But we said something you really wanted. And it was written. The fates wrote it. Right. Cool. And you got a scale of tricks. I'll be happy. You keep saying written

like there's some fucking monk with a fucking pen and paper going. Well, hang on. I know. I'm just saying it's just nice and meant to be and isn't that a romantic way to feel about the universe? Not that there's just fucking abyss and nothingness

and no love. No! You keep saying no love! It's all the same about love. You're just in charge of the love. Stop making my universe less love based than yours. Yours is just full of shite. Yours is just a fucking bleak abyss with no overlord. Who's writing it?

I'm just seeing the feats of construction. It's like a fucking Meccano set of love. Meccano would be sick as well. It's not written down anywhere. There's no book that we're ever going to find when it goes get down to scale. That just doesn't exist. Can we get four? Do you know what I always wanted to do is to get the most scheletrics and then just like quadruple it and like make it i never had one after your time it's just real

isn't it it's just real no i think you were born after scheletrics i was playing fifa yeah yeah yeah yeah because we had sabutio back in the 80s. We didn't. Which was amazing until you actually tried to play Sabutio. Did you have a player? Yeah, but it wasn't fun to play. It was just fun to look at. I had the thing. When you got the team,

when you got the team, my era of Sabutio is Liverpool, grey candy away. 89? What's that? What? When did they win? Oh no, that was before.

When was the Merseyside FA Cup final? 87? 1897. Oh, no, it wasn't. It was 87, wasn't it? That's a lot. Anyway, in and around there, that's when I started watching football.

My absolute Subutio era was that grey... What? Yeah, I felt it. Yeah, it's 89. Was it 89? Yeah. Was that the... I thought it was 89.

All Liverpool Cup final? Yeah. Wow. That was my Subutio era. yeah was it 89 yeah was that the I thought it was 89 all Liverpool Cup final yeah wow that was my suburbia and also the Adidas is it Tango yeah classic

balls and like Adam was saying you'd set it all up it'd be fucking amazing and they actually play it and it's just dog shit you're just flicking plastic against it

it just doesn't work yeah we had Xbox wasn't it I'd still do it, though. This is my 20th year playing FIFA. I'm still shit at it. I've stopped.

It's always eight and it's the best thing. No, I've been playing just offline with Jack. That's not what I mean. I mean like the- He's in 4-1 with 10 men last night.

I'll always play FIFA if you want a game, but I'll never go online and play Ultimate Team. You're not buying packs? No. If you're at home going, just stop.

It's fucking awful it's a scam it's awful and I've been a party for too long and I ease it now and if you're thinking I'll stop and

let me be your guy and listen if you want to stop it was probably written you know it's meant to be it's a ring call don't ring me

no breakdown I'd love one it was meant to be erm I caught Etta stealing in the cinema yes come on baby

it was such a good move it was so great didn't bollock her just gave her a be smart little fist bump no no I no it's not

I can't be like yeah yeah fill your fucking pockets get me some no what was it pick and mix so we went to the pick and mix we went to Nando's me Etta and Jack which is happening more often now we're going for a little trio

of don't get jealous finn you're not my real son and although i do love you and i don't have to change you so i do like you more than mine you do that out of love don't you went for a little nando's and then because you know in you're on love, don't you? Went for a little Nando's, and then because, you know, you're on the complex, aren't you, with the fucking Nando's and the ZZ's, but also the cinema, so we went, right, we'll go and get some pick and mix.

He's always said cinema, and he's put an extra A in the middle of athlete. He does do that. I've noticed that. Yeah, you added, there's another, you've added another syllable. Athlete.

Athlete. I had a little six-year-old learning the language for the first time. Athlete. Slow learner. Athlete. Athlete. I had a little six-year-old learning the language for the first time. Athlete. Slow learner. Athlete. Athlete.

Right. Six. Went in the cinema. You big athlete. How am I spelling cinema with an R on the end? Cinema. Cinema.

Cinnamon bun. Get a cinnamon bun and go to the cinema no i get a cinnamon depends if i'm ordering it in jamaica gonna get a cinnamon bun man man was a cinnamon bun man you call it a cinnabon i call it a cinnabam check me tiktok i went into odin that's in the trailer TikTok. Went into Odeon. That's in the trailer. You turn full dad then.

Or is it Ovan Bottom? Went into the... What's going on? Went for the pick and mix. Went for the pick and mix. I don't know. Yeah. Is it Candy King, by the way? Everywhere.

Candy King are like the mafia bosses. They're running that gap. They've got Monopoly on it. Good. I like Asian Ode. It might be Asian on it. Good. Yeah, I like Asian owned. They might be Asian owned. No, Candy King is a big corporate. I want individual,

all random shit. It's fine. There's some good bits, but if you go to an independent, we got these sweets on the fucking, you know. Swedish? Cola dummies made in there.

Wow. Right. Oh, the fizzy ones. Yeah. Yeah, but it's not all great, is it? No, but there's like three, four, five good bits. Yeah. So, got her what she wanted.

Jack has asked for a few foam bananas, but Etta's had a good go of like, I want some of these. And every time I go two or three, she gives it five or six. She's nailing it. She's got what she wanted. Went over and I've wandered away from the pick and mix

with the little fucking scooper towards where to pay and i've gone i'm gone babe will you just take this back and she's gone yeah daddy and then she's walked back and in between in my eye line from from where we're stood at the counter there is one of those little islands with crisps and sweets on and it's blocking my view of where etta is now in public when i'm in charge of my kids the main thing is don't get them killed or kidnapped yeah because they both of those things can happen but if it's on my watch it's worse is that right yeah totally so if i haven't got eyes on you're gonna have sorry to interrupt yeah i will let you finish your story yeah if you are gonna ever have one of your children kidnapped, that's already going to hurt enough.

You don't want the guilt. You want to be able to look your wife in the eye and say that's your fucking fault. Where the fuck were you? I was podcasting. You can bring it up on anything. Lost your keys, have you? Lost our kids as well.

Nice, nice, nice. You're going out again. We've only got one children now because of you. Off you go, go on. One children, but I one children now because of you. Off you go. One children, but I refuse to not use the plural. Off to the cinema, you big athlete. They were stolen. They were kidnapped.

So I couldn't see her and she knew it. And she's gone to the strawberry bonbons. Like a fucking... Good choice. Oh, weighty bastard. Yeah, right? So I literally, I went, where where is she so jack is pretty static so i just take a few steps around the thing and i see her like this i went etta what you doing she went what is the best reaction she went

like total fear and panic i went come here she came up she went oh i forgot i forgot that i had these i went no you weren't darling you were nicking them i just said it quietly as i said i was like i know you were stealing them she she looked it's brilliant i love it exactly what i do she's like right i'm clearly in trouble with this cunt but what if the staff find out i when i went i know you were stealing them and i said it with this cunt, but what if the staff find out? When I went, I know you were stealing them, and I said it at this volume, I saw her look at the staff like, don't fucking hot me out.

And I went, I went, I went, put them in the fucking, I put them in the thing. So she put them in the actual pick and mix. I went, is there any more in your pocket? If you lie to me, I'll be annoyed. She went, oh, oh yeah. I didn't know

I forgot that they were in there I went don't lie to me I know what you were doing but be smart because if they find out you're young enough that you're not going to get in trouble with the police or anything

but you might get banned from the cinema well you've fucked up there haven't you I'd lie to you that's not what you tell to your kids the swat team all you told her there is you've got free passes here

the busies aren't arsed no yeah because let's be honest. I stole. You stole. We all stole. I just wanted to be smart.

You're still stealing now. Baby, you're wrong. She's my daughter. Go look to other kids. Go look to kids. Get your hand in the fucking bag. Oh, I thought these were mine. Someone stole your bike.

Yeah, I've had my bike stolen. Would you ring the police? Well, what do you mean? Would you go? Yeah, because I need a police stolen. Would you ring the police? Well, what do you mean? Would you go, I asked for... Yeah, because I need a police... Don't you need a crime number? An incident number. Do you not even bother anymore?

No, for insurance. Here's the thing. Here's the question. Won't it be content? Here's the question, right? Your bike gets stolen. You know who's got it. You found out, right?

You got information through the wire. I call you. But what would you do? Would you got information through the wire I call you but what would you do would you call the police and go the man at number 47 has got my bike say go and get it for me

or would you go vigilante and go around and go that's my fucking bike well listen I'd ring Jack Finnegan I just think if Jack turned up take a picture of it yeah yeah yeah

it's definitely your bike Dan lovely lighting there I'd go around oh look at you you're unconscious I'd just get to my mate to the meeting oh lad you got my bike

I know you're off just gizzy or I won't smash your arse up oh you smashed your arse up Carl you throw around a lot of threats though I've got people with me Jack Finnegan

what he could be one of them yeah yeah yeah yeah don't take Steve I'd take Adam I'd take Jack and I'd take my brother he's big and I'd go lad

I know you're my bike so yeah I don't have to do nothing just gizzy and sound you'd take three boys as backup, not knock. I think taking State and Jack Finnegan would be like a good contrast because Jack looks like he's going to punch dead in

and State looks like he's going to take the minute to the meeting, do you know what I mean? Steelbook the ambulance. The weird, mad German scientist. I'll ring the ambulance. So I just gave her the sort of like, listen, I know you're stolen. I don't want you to lie to me

i want you to admit it and she was like okay she just went really quiet with it because i wasn't doing the thing about oh how because i nicked we all nick i just was like be fucking smart because if you don't get to come back to this cinema you won't be able to watch a film that's our cinema did you tell laura that's awesome so then on the way back i would i didn't bollock her and i was like but then she then she weirdly she sat on it for a little bit she was really like flustered it's for fucking eight strawberry bonbons and then she started going and then she started backtracking and going i I think I need to start lying again. So she was like, daddy, I didn't, I actually did forget.

And that's when I was like, if you bullshit me one more time, then I'll get annoyed. Because up until this point, I was like, hey, I didn't say I did it, but I was like, just be smart. Just because if you get thrown out, I know what you did.

It's not the end of the world, but just fucking think about what you're doing. And then she started realizing that we were going home to mormon she started like catastrophizing and got stressed she was like don't tell mummy and then got upset did you tell us laura the scary one i was like not really i just think she just was being a bit dramatic i'm more scared of laura than you sexually in every way yeah okay don't let it unload on me legs well that doesn't make sense if you're not a patron does it it doesn't even make sense if you're a patron it's just mad thing to say um so she actually got a bit stressed out and obviously i did tell laura oh did you grass i think be smart is some

weird messaging. It's like, you need to hide this better. You need to make a better run. She's going to next up. Tell me if you're going to do it so I can distract the bitch on the counter. He is right though. Like be smart.

You're going to do it anyway. So why be better at it? That's going to be my tactic with my kids. Not like, oh, I can't believe you drank alcohol at 15. I'm going to have to, and we're going to do that. You're going to do it. Let's be smart. There's a line though, isn't there?

If she shoots someone. There is a line. Be smart. If she does a line. You're in broad daylight, you need a balaclava. And night time. Where's this? This is a registered weapon.

You use a stolen, sawn off shotgun. What the Lord? A stolen, sawn off shotgun. What did Laura say? A stolen sawn off shotgun. Are you sure, Dan? A stolen sawn off shotgun. You know, you make shashona, you steal a sawn off shotgun.

Are you sure? What did Laura say? Did she bollock her? No, I went, I just gave her a heads up because we got in. Oh, by the way, on the way,

she had one of the stolen bonbons and went, I don't like it. I was like, well, that wasn't worth fucking well, was it? Got in and she ran upstairs and Laura's laura's like what what's happened thinking that we've

fallen out i was like right this has happened but i was like if you could not like i was like don't bollock her because i've given her the thing and said you're not gonna bulk and she was like yeah you've dealt with it but you're not you know i need i don't need to be like oh the thought of you stealing i just wanted to be smarter and steal from. I think my mum embarrassed me when I did that. I think I stole a whistle lollipop from the chemist once. And she knew I'm going to get in the car. She went, I didn't buy you that.

And I went, I know, yeah. She went, where have you got it from? You haven't got any money. I was like, I don't know. She's got it, haven't I? And she went, you're going to have to take it back into the shop. And I was like, oh, no. Can you just give me the money? I'll go and pay. And she went, no, you've got to go and give it back. Oh,, you're going to have to take it back into the shop. And I was like, oh no, can you just give me the money I got on pay?

And she went, no, you've got to go and give it back. Oh, that's good. And I had to go up and go, aye mate, you bought the wrong thing there, didn't you? You're in the back of the car like,

woo! You're a tomboy. The most attention-seeking sweetie in history. What? Where did I get this? I went back and I went, mate, I've got this by accident. And he went, what do you mean?

I went, I don't know. I remember them by it, but I've got it. I just needed to give you back. He was like, okay, thank you. And I was like, that was all right. But I remember going, I don't want to do that again. That felt shit. That is amazing.

By the way, if you ever get caught with stolen goods, that's the way to deal with it. Ah, yeah. I've got these by accident. How did you get them? I don't know. I don't know, but they are in the garage. What were you stealing, Dan?

You said you were stealing when you were younger. Yeah, I was a thief. It was a sweet. I was an absolute tea leaf. Is it mine, sweet boy? Oh, is this going to get used in evidence? As a kid? Yeah.

What was the most impressive thing you stole I stole from my mum's purse we've talked about this I never got caught one shilling

yeah a threatening bit which could have paid for a new horse where are my shillings boy I was trying to pay the fucking horse bills

how many places is she from? The horse bills? Where are my shillings, boy? I am trying to pay the horse bills. I'm trying to pay the horse bills. Your father goes through them. No, instead of an Uber, you used to get a horse home, didn't you? I need to pay the man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just an old joke. Wonder whether there was horse taxis. There was carriages. Carriages? Oh, yeah. Do they still get used now? There was carriages. Carriages? Oh, yeah. Do you still get used now? Whoa.

We got one in Dublin. Oh, yeah. What? No, but do you ever reckon there was, like, just horse taxis where it was just, like, before the wheel was invented, like, just on horses? Is that where we... Just the horse on its own, no driver.

No, you just get on the back and just rub your dick against the driver. Turn up the horses, like... You've been busy tonight, mate. No. Is that where whistling comes from? Your whistle taxi? Is that from like whistling horses?

Maybe it is. What? So if you need a taxi? You know when you whistle a taxi? Just let him hang himself. You know the classic trope of like whistling down a taxi? You know what you whistle a taxi? Just let him hang himself. There's going to be great. Another classic trope of like whistling down a taxi. You know what I mean? Carl, wait a minute.

How many times ever have you whistled down a taxi? That's what I do. I get on the Uber app. And it knows. It knows. No, but you know what I mean? It flashes up with a notification. Where'd you get that fucking lollipop, you robin cunt?

Do you know, I keep stealing sweets and all these taxis keep turning up. What the fuck is that horse doing there? You know what I mean. No wonder your mark caught you. Taxi driver's knocking on your window. Do you want a lift? Minicab.

That's the horse's accent. I'm right. Whistling down a taxi is a classic trope of the films. Flagging down a taxi. Yeah, but also... I can't whistle. Yeah. I can.

One of them. I mean, a horse turns up. Or a taxi. Stealing pick and mix is fine, though, isn't it? It's fine, isn't it? I'd still do it now. Natural wastage, yeah, yeah, yeah. It just gets weighed now, so you can't.

She was literally at it going, like, come on, man, but steal better. Have you taught her the ways of the pick and mix? What? How to properly get use of the whole area of the tub. Now, this wasn't a fill your tub. This was a way by the bag. Because Haribo on Cheshire Oaks is £6.50,

but you've got to be able to close the lid, is the rules. It's like the salad bar at Morrison's. What was that fucking Chinese by Ars called? The Chinese by Ars? Yeah, when you used to dance and you'd go to the Chinese cafe and they'd give you the tub and you'd fill it for the fiver. Remember it?

It was like a girl's name. Like Julie's or something like that. Remember it? Julie's Ars. Where's that at? Yeah, yeah. It's a chippy. Now it's on the front by the B&M.

Maybe it was just before you moved there. I don't know what you're talking about. I have used to... They used to do that at... The one opposite Lime Street. Is that what you're talking about i have used to they used to do that um the one opposite lime sheets is that what you're thinking of no no it's by ours so there's a serve yourself chinese they give you the tupperware and go it's a fiver and you fill it and you would fucking rhyme it in right but you've got to be able to close it yeah yeah yeah because that's the rules with these in it you can like you can layer it as much as you want. You can build it.

But you have to be able to close the lid. In the test compound, I don't give a fuck. I don't even attempt anymore. Snakes are on the top. Sometimes I'll wrap the actual thing in snake. Genuinely? Just a bow. They fell off them.

They were my favourite sweets ever. The yellow bellies. Snakes. And cola bottles fell off. The big ones. Big ones. And yeah, yeah. The long snakes. The yellow bellies. Snakes. And cola bottles. The big ones. Big ones. And yeah, yeah. The long snakes.

The yellow bellies. But they're just not as good anymore. From the ice cream. I'm going to get hot. No, it is. It's Jamie Oliver, the big fucking cunt. He's ruined everything, hasn't he?

Taking sugar out of stuff. Yeah. Ruin Lucas Aids. He's ruined yellow belly snakes. He's ruined fucking... Same place as Adam's mum. Check out our TikTok. We're talking about all them yellow belly snakes. Check out our TikTok.

We're talking about Adam. You're going to be listening. Turkey Twizzlers were fucking... You couldn't move for Turkey Twizzlers back in the day. Chicken Kebbs. They were everywhere. Chicken Kebbs. Wow. They're just gone.

It's all gone. Because Jamie Oliver was like, I don't like fat kids. He's got Down Syndrome as well. Jamie Oliver. You're thinking of Ross Kemp, aren't you? No, he's got the same Down Syndrome. It's got to be Down Syndrome month, and I don't know about it. Yeah, Jamie Oliver's got Down syndrome as well. Jamie Oliver. You're thinking of Ross Kemm, aren't you? No, he's got the same Down syndrome. It's got to be Down syndrome month,

and I don't know about it. Yeah, Jamie Oliver's got it too. And Damien Duff. He has. Fact, though. Jamie Oliver's got the same Down syndrome as Ross Kemm. Transcontinental Down syndrome. Well, yeah.

It's true. It's true. Thank you. Into the same acting skill as Ross. Yeah. It's true? It's true. Thank you.

Went to the same acting school as Ross. Shall we do some... Question? We've got one really good... Question? And I'm ready to ask this. Question? Drew Simpson says, Have you seen all this fucking drama with P. Diddy?

Loads of accusations. What was drama? All these rapes and sexual assaults. Loads of accusations about him being a bad cunt to women, one about an underage girl, and then an accusation of trafficking women. Police raided his home, and there was rumors that he jumped on a private jet and fucked off to Antigua.

My question is, if you knew the busies were coming to raid your house, where would you flee to, and how would you get there? P. Diddy wise, the only reason this is on my radar is because I went on 50 Cent's Instagram and Fiddy is pissed off. He's so funny, 50 Cent. Man, he's got 31 million followers and for the last month and a half, he's gone, yeah, this Instagram is solely about

cunting off P. Diddy. He doesn't like it. Catwell, he was mentioned in that interview, didn't he? P. Diddy likes bumming men to control them. He said he don't. Allegedly. If P. Diddy invites you to a party, you don't go. Because he's going to bum you out of.

So one guy went on TV and went, this is from a while ago, but I had a nephew of mine asked, because he knew P Diddy, asked if he could get him an internship at Bad Boy Records. And after about three or four months, it just ended really abruptly and the nephew didn't say anything.

And the guy had to go, what's happened there? What's happened with you and P Diddy? And the accusation allegedly is that P Diddy was like, you're staying over tonight with with me and he was like no i'm fucking not and he went right well then your internships ended and he went cool see you later and just fucked it off which i'm sure happens most of the time but then there'll be those occasions where someone just gets blagged into a he also bankrolled by biggie's death didn't

he apparently paid a million for for Biggie to get shot. I know Tupac to get shot, sorry, not Biggie. Apparently he bankrolled the... Yeah, I thought that was a bit of an accusation there because it was his best mate, wasn't it? Yeah, no, he apparently bankrolled... Yeah, but that was a whole thing, wasn't it, with Bad Boy Records and Death Row and...

Not Death Row, but like that... I don't know, I'm not a historian on Tupac. Eminem mentioned that in his disreply to Machine Gun Kelly, but like that, I don't know. I'm not a historian on Tupac. Eminem mentioned that in his disreply to Machine Gun Kelly, didn't he? Did he, yeah. Like towards the end of it,

the thing, he's like, he says something like, the day I admit that is the day that Diddy admits he put the hit out that got Pat killed. And then at the very end

of the song, he goes, I'm only messing Diddy, you know, I'm just fucking around. Yeah. But like he, he gave Kee'm only messing Diddy. You know, I'm just fucking around. Yeah. But like he, like he gave Keefy D,

or he promised him a million dollars. And then as, as, as, sounds like one of your dad's mates who drinks on Loughlin. Keefy D. I honestly thought you'd be.

Keefy you, Keefy D, you know. Keefy D. Keith, Keith D. Keefy D. You know,

once she was finished with Elton John, she put hits out on Biggie. Don't go breaking my heart. I'm shooting fucking Biggie. I'm packed. I'll shoot anyone. I wouldn't if I tried. That's a well.

She's just like freestyling in the middle. I'll shoot anyone. Elton and Kiki were doing an album together but she's too busy being a hit woman for East Coast,

West Coast rappers in the mid-90s. Fucking nightmare. If that ever comes out, the Kiki D was involved in the hits on Biggie and Pac. I'm going to kill myself. I'd like to literally find out Sally Gunnell did 9-11. What? Wow. Really? me so literally like finding out Sally Gunnell did 9-11 what wow what

really never had Sally Gunnell as Al Qaeda he paid Keefie D Keefie D's nephew

Orlando Anderson shot back and now he's dead well P Diddy has spent 30 years being a bad

cunt by the looks of it and now everyone's coming out Shug Knight said if he goes to

prison he's in danger yeah I love the fact that apparently he wasn't on the plane to antic please go and just have a look at uh 50 cents instagram it's on it's unbelievable it's not just like i you know uh schultz did a bit about p diddy and like it's a great bit fucking like 50 cent has just put it on it's like read remess that's a whole fucking uh instagram post i love it i love how much of a vendetta he's got is it possible to get that big and powerful and not turn bad i think it's so it's so common now in it especially in the

entertainment industry it's everywhere in it oh i'll piece it on jay Seems like a genuinely nice bloke. Peter Andre? Yeah. But he's never got to the size of Peter, has he? Oh, he's not far off. He's not far off? Oh, yeah. Peter Andre. Is he putting heads out on fucking Darius?

Oh, he can't. He's not? Oh. Shit. Point York, yeah. He's not putting heads out. He can't. He's a nice guy. Yeah, he can't afford Kiki D.

Raised another man's child. Did. For the bit. He did? Oh Kiki D. Raised another man's child. Did. For the bit. He did? Oh, he did. He's not trafficked any women. Fuck. Well better than P. Diddy for me.

Yeah, you can get big, but obviously these stories dominate, don't they? And they make everyone who's done well in show business look like an absolute sex pest, but it's not everyone is it no but it's it's I mean

it hasn't been found out yet Stephen Hawkins was a bad guy that's bad like no one's safe I don't know whether Stephen Hawkins was a bad guy you know he went to the bad place

he went to the island but like all he did was make midgets do maths yeah like that's all he did I would love

he was still alive and that was his thing in court and here's the thing like if anyone needs to go to the special place

to watch mentions of maths it's probably Stephen Hawkins isn't it yeah he's done loads for those

because you can't do it at a Marriott hotel in Halifax he's done loads for humanity he needs some maths mentions

as a payment I just don't see I don't see who loses yeah were they trying to that wasn't the worst thing that happened on that island

no were they trying to do real equations were they trying to solve stuff yeah but he had so I can't believe

we're doing this again but he had them doing math equations on a whiteboard that was slightly out of their reach so that they were reaching to do it and he could see that i hope this is true but if it's not true whoever's gone yeah i'm gonna cause murder do you reckon they actually had to hire smart ones or did they have to feed them the answers in like an earpiece? When you say smart ones, do you mean clever or like programmed? Like AI? This is a smart dwarf.

Link him up to your telly. Smarty. Got Netflix built in. You have to put your password in. Right in his face. Anyway, P did he, eh? Where would you go? He's gone to Antigua in his private jet.

I know it, I wouldn't go. Maybe that's what he's doing. Are you going abroad? We're going on the run from the Feds. Well, I haven't got a private jet, that's the thing. No, but you've got to imagine you'd have. Oh, well, then I'd go to a spaceship and I'd go to's the thing no but you've got to imagine you'd have oh well then i go to jupiter i get on my dragon and time travel hey damn nightingale you're a bad cunt you've been trafficking women well it doesn't matter i'm going back to 1590 with lasers but pd this life

does exist you could just imagine you're him yeah you've got to put yourself in his position oh no i was i was seeing it as like, if I got accused of something, where am I going? Getting an Audi A8 and getting on the M56 and just seeing what happens.

That's the problem with being in the UK. You can get everywhere within about five hours. Yeah, but you can get in your car because the cameras would read your

reg and your course. Oh shit. It's like the Hunter, isn't it? Oh yeah. I'm straight on the fucking bicycle. Yeah, bicycle's better.

Off-road. Like Val mode. Yeah. I don't think they're going. Yeah, bicycle's better. Off-road. Like, while moat. Yeah. I don't think they're going to have a hard time finding me, are they? I'd be four miles from my house, wheezing. Well, on your court? I'm going on a private jet to Florida. I'm waiting for that Luke Combs festival.

Yeah, you're not going to be a hard man to find, are you? Adam Rose on the run. Where's Luke Combs? That was fucking simple. There's not many options options what about Teddy Swoles swims swims I've googled

Teddy Swoles UK like where can you not be extradited and fucking thin smart the options are limited Florida

you're going straight back to fucking if they find me I'll just get a shave they won't know it's me. So you've got North Korea. That's one. Somalia.

Afghanistan. I'd rather go to prison. Lebanon. Syria. Algeria. Libya. And Iraq. There's your Algeria.

I think Algeria might be quite nice. Yeah, I've been to... I've been to Morocco. Is it nice? Yeah. Is it next to it? Relevant. Is Morocco,

Morocco's next to Algeria, isn't it? I've been to some places that aren't on that list. No! Algeria's near Morocco. It's the same type of North African,

you know, one of my wife. Or Siam Park. In Algeria? Definitely get you on the rides, just stay on the rides. Yeah. Tenerife,

but you will get extradited. Yeah, but they'd have to catch you on the slide just stay on the rides yeah 10 a.m. but you will get extra ice yeah but they'd have to catch you on the slides it's still like the slides it's fun yeah we're trying to

take down Adam Rowe but he's got an unlimited fast pass at Siam Park he's not even queuing smart guy I'd only land if you're a planer

I'd live in the skies what are you going to do then the thing is though being at Siam Park is the perfect, like, you're guaranteed at head start. If you wait at the top of the slide, you go down it. And then even if the air bar is full, you know,

he's going to be like, wait. I love it. There's only one. And no one's waiting at the bottom. There's no one. Yeah, we could do with a bigger team. Well, Interpol's got a budget, so. Wait.

You just get to the top of the next one you just chase here's the busiest here's the busiest on you go you get on your favourite cyan park slide and then the fella

chases you to the top you go down he gets told to wait a minute and you go back up have you been watching Scooby-Doo lately and it's not a documentary it's foolproof it's not a documentary. It's foolproof.

It's not a documentary. It's not foolproof because Cyborg shuts. What? It's not 24-hour water slides. No. You'll be pruned as well. Your fingers will be in bits. Yeah, but that gives me more grip, doesn't it?

No, it's to scale more. And your weapons, yeah. Oh, sorry, your weapons. I can't shoot. I've got no grip on my finger. Luckily, I've been in the bath for four hours. You're dead. So stupid. So P. Diddy. Trafficking women.

It's bad, that. No, yeah. We should be allowed to drive ourselves now. Is P. Diddy overrated anyway? Yeah. As a musician? He's a gob show. I'd be allowed to drive ourselves now. Is P Diddy overrated anyway? Yeah. As a musician? He's a gob show.

I'd probably be a person as well. He's a producer. Yeah, but he's had some tunes as well. Yeah, but that's the whole thing, isn't it? If you want your producer to not be in the songs, come to death row. He's his producer. He just tried to be more famous

by being in the songs and it worked. He's a famous producer because he got in the songs. Yeah, and he's also an artist because he's done loads of rapping. Yeah, but I'm saying... He's not just a producer, is in the song. Yeah, and he's also an artist because he's done loads of rapping. Yeah, but I'm saying... He's not just a producer, is he? Mainly.

By the way, Bad Boy for Life is a fucking banger. I won't be able to listen to that anymore. What? Can't separate the artist. Can't watch House of Cards. Can't listen to Bad Boy for Life. What's the point of living? That's all he did.

Thank you, Kevin Spacey and P-fucking-Diddles. Remember when he kept changing his name? He was like Puff Daddy for no reason. Well, Puff Daddy was the OG. Yeah, but he was like, oh, now I'm Daddy Puff. No, he was Puff Daddy. And he was the big Puff. Now I'm Diddly P.

Oh, no, the big P. He was Puff Daddy. Then he was just Puff. Then he was P-word. He was just Puff for a while, wasn't he? Then he was P-word diddles. He was Puffy as well. Go on, you're a comedian.

Genuine question. Now that all this has come out about him, does Puff Daddy mean that he was trying to tell us all along and he was using a slur against himself? He's hiding in plain sight. I call myself Puff Daddy. Of course, I'm shagging men up the arse. I'm in charge and I'm gay.

Big gay kid. Have you heard what P did? He's calling himself. He's calling him Big Gay Kiddy Fiddler. Well, I think we should have seen it. I mean, he should be allowed to bring that up in court. I'm not defending him. But when they're like, you've been getting away with this for years. He'd be like, well, look, to bring that up in court. I'm not defending him. But like when they're like,

you've been getting away with this for years. He'd be like, well, look, I called myself Puff Daddy. What did you think I was getting up to? That doesn't get you off molesting boys, does it? I said I was, come on. I didn't, you know. Yeah, but then he changed it to P Diddy, which is as close to P though as you're going to get.

I'm trying to tell you. He went from Puffuff to P Diddy Ben just Diddy yeah but he was later nicknamed Puff as a child due to how he would

huff and puff when he was angry were they all his nicknames yeah yeah was Wikipedia love them all you're on the mirror

yeah but there's there's only there's only a few I think oh I thought he had like ten names no he's got more than that. Sean Combs.

Sean Puffy Combs. Sean Combs. Yeah, that's his name, isn't it? Luke's brother. Oh my God, imagine. I think you're doing him a disservice. I think he goes by, what's it called? A pseudonym, not a pseudonym.

There's one there. Click here. He's had so many names. There is children. Justin Dior Coombs. King Coombs. He changed his middle name to Love. So his original name was Sean John Combs.

And then he's now official name is Sean Love Combs. That's never paid a tax bill in his life. We're actually trying to put a tax out for P. Diddy. No, I'm Diddy, mate. I'm Puff Daddy. So he said, I will not be answering to Puffy, Diddy, Puff Daddy or any of my other monikers,

but Love or Brother Love. So he was called Brother Love for a bit as well. That's another one. I'm bumming men. Brother Love. Oh yeah, Brotherly Love. In the bum. Oh, because that's, yeah.

Philadelphia is a mainly gay city. He's been trying to tell us for ages. Yeah. And, you know... Diddly. Puff. Daddy. Diddly diddler.

P. Diddy. The big pedo. Yeah. It's not... Get his Wikipedia file, Pedro. That should be a website, by the way, for Peter Files. Not for Peter Files. For him?

No, as in, he put them all in. Want to find out all their nicknames? The Big Fiddler? The Riddler? They're all Blackpool, aren't they? I'm going with the Big Fiddler. Say that to Riddler. By the way, by the way,

last week, I think it was on the Patreon we were talking about oh yeah the big one the big one in Blackpool is a dangerous death trap waiting to happen the Pepsi Max

see what happened it fucking stopped when it was at the top and people had to climb down it no they didn't yeah they did no

they had to walk from the top and I'd rather die I'd rather jump off you can't walk from the top. And I'd rather die. I'd rather jump off. You can't walk from the top, bro. You can't. Yeah. No. It's got steps down the side, doesn't it?

Oh. Yeah. We called it. We're the Simpsons. I would want harnesses for that. Do you know what I mean? I just did the zip line at Centre Park. She clipped onto everything.

Are they just raw dogging that fucking walk down the steps? Yeah. Oh, no. No, sir. No. I'd rather stay on it until he fixed it. Or just reverse it. No, let's not reverse anything.

But imagine if it just like something went and it just like uncontrollably went round the thing. I'd probably walk down. I would walk down. I'd be shitting myself if I walked down. Oh my God. It does roll uncontrollably, doesn't it?

No, it's powered, isn't it? No, no, but... It's on electric tracks. No. Yeah. No. How powered is it? It's not got that much momentum

from that drop to get right round. Do you think Rita Queen of Speed is just some cum pushing you? No, no, no. But I thought electricity took you up and then gravity did the rest. I didn't think so.

But maybe I'm wrong. I don't know a lot about roller coasters. If you go to the top of the Pepsi Max big one and there's no power from the point you drop, you're not going to experience a faster or slower version of the Pepsi Max big one, are you? There's not enough momentum to get you around that ride. Well, then it's just going to...

Are you going to get a three quarter strength? Yeah, it'd be fine. I'd just let it... I'd be like just loosen it off drop me off yeah I don't want to day that climb

also you've got to worry about like the person ahead of you not just like going I've gone weak and falling off just fat assing you to death

I've gone weak no because they could go oh god I'm panicking that'd be me and your bunda's falling I'd find a point at the bottom and I would not blink

I would stare at it and I would just take it I wouldn't that is that's the worst thing I've ever had in my entire life I would not be looking at anything but my feet

and where I'm standing and what I'm stepping on oh really yeah but you can still see through like the gaps of the stairs and that to the floor if you look them down

yeah well I can see Preston I don't need to do that fuck me I'm yeah nah no I'll see through the gaps in the stairs and that to the floor. If you look them down. Yeah. Well, I can see Preston. I don't need to do that. Fuck me. I'm... Yeah, nah. No. Banana ripening places, by the way, are real.

Oh, really? It sounded like bullshit, didn't it? Yeah, yeah. It's a massive factory with lamps. That's my guess. Go and watch the Patreon episode, by the way. Did they just, like, fucking... Did they just toast

them a little bit since they put them in a paper bag i don't believe it uh let's have a breakage how are we welcome back to the have a word podcast very formal who's here it's neil delamay long overdue long overdueute behemoth of a comedian He's a big lad Gargantuan Rob Dignagian in my I had to follow you at Electric Picnic In Ireland

In a port-a-loo It was funny So Electric Picnic is Ireland's Glastonbury essentially isn't it It's like the closest equivalent. Yeah. And the Comedy Tent there was, most of the day, like a third full at most.

Yeah. And then he goes on and it is full. It's like people are like, Neil Denham is on. It's like fucking packed out. And I'm looking at it and I'm like, oh, I'm on right after him. And in your head you go go hopefully they all just go well we'll see what the next guy's like

and stay and that just didn't fucking happen it didn't it took half an hour and then the company goes back on and goes

yeah so yeah half a year ago and yeah oh good and everyone's gone and it's and it was back to being

as quiet maybe quieter than it had been all day but those festivals are just about where you go on it and they're like you know if you go on four o'clock in the afternoon and everybody's off their tits from the night before and just yeah it's uh they're hung over you're hung over i i booked it because like live nation who were promoting me were like go and do this because it'll sell your island tore out and then once I was on stage I was like unless these all tell

3,000 people each like the maths just isn't maths in here do you know what I mean yeah if Live Nation goes oh no they all know each other that's stereotype

although we'll all tell each other yeah so this is we're not going to spend any money on ads we're just going to get you in front of 3,000 people we did alright in the end in Ireland

I was quite worried about it for a while, but yeah, we did quite well in Cork, did all right in Galway. Limerick was hard to sell, but then we did like a thousand tickets

in Dublin at the Olympia. Such a fucking venue, that. It's beautiful, isn't it? It's so fucking good. Old, like, hundred-year-old theatre. Those match-em theatres on the three levels of, yeah, yeah.

No, they're great. That's the least enjoyable gig in comedy, I think, is when they go, could you compare the comedy tent for the day of that music festival? And they're like, it's £500. That's good money. And you're like, oh, it's so soul-destroying. Like, it's one thing to be the guy that goes on to do a set after it's been busy yeah it's another thing to stand there as you're

the person who just commentates on 2 000 people fucking off yeah that's a special type of like oh god yeah you just you watch people leave you 12 times you just watch crowds walk it's like like the edmund fringe festival but just fucking condensed into one particular day. The first Edinburgh Fringe Festival I ever did, this is how bad the numbers were. My agent gave me a box of chocolates at the end to say congratulations, you've gotten through the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

And I gave everybody in the audience a chocolate and didn't get through to the second layer. Of the box of chocolates. So grim that was. I had 11 people in once and I fucked three out. I threw three people out. There's a purist.

Get on board. I thought you were saying there was 11 people and you fucked three of them. We thought, how could you go better than a two for one? You know that quiet Tuesday?

How about I bang three of them? They tell 3,000 of their friends. I mean, that is my mouth writing a check, my penis can of cash. Why would you kick three people out of an 11 seat? Because they weren't on board and the other eight were oddly on board. Do you know the smallest number ever did in Edinburgh

was four people? I had pulled the gig and the house had not told, the front of staff hadn't told the people. And I tried to get in to see Flight of the Conchords. And then I couldn't get in to Flight of the Conchords. And I was walking back by my venue and they went, you're on. There's four people. Do you want to do it? I was like, ugh.

So I did it. John Lynn, comedian John Lynn was the fifth person and I worked my hole off to try and get some sort of atmosphere in the room and I said to her girl

in the front row I said what do you do and she goes I'm an actress and I said do you have a monologue and she goes yeah and I said do you want to do it and she went yeah

and she did and I'd worked my hole off and then she did like seven minutes about her friend being hit by a train now it was very good but it was very sad whole off and then she did like seven minutes about a friend being hit by a train that was very good but it was very sad you can't kind of get that back up again what we do is not designed

to be done to four people no this is what i don't like about the fringe is those gigs should be just we all go nah yeah yeah like the old there's too much pressure on the audience to enjoy it because there's only a few of them and they can't hide in the sort of madness of a crowd and there's so much of us to be pretending we're having a good time and that we're not just like going there's four people there's four people there's four people what's the minimum then i think 40 in the right room can feel like a gig. Minimum 40? Yeah, genuine. Like I've done 40. Below that, it starts getting a bit self-conscious.

I think it's lower than that. I think maybe 25. 20s are not a lot of people. During the lockdown, there was this game where you could do weird, you could do gigs to 15 people in the Republic of Ireland during COVID as long as it was outside and they were they were socially distanced

15 so basically if you stood up during a half time at a rugby game and talked to the team that would be the equivalent of and they were that's yeah science

there was we were so starved of comedy though weren't you like as a comic you'd be like listen there's 15 cunts in a garden you'd be like

I'm back baby 15 cunts in a garden is Beyonce's next album she's great there's you're a big fan do you think Beyonce's people

are sitting there going finally we've got the seal of approval from Adam Rowe We can really kick on with my career now She's the biggest country artist in the world Adam loves her Yeah she's great What do you think of her Jolene? What?

What do you think of her Jolene? I think it's brilliant I think it's what the music industry's been waiting for I've got no right to talk about it I'm just a white guy from England Adam had a contentious tweet this week. Oh, what? I deliberately tried to wind people up.

Okay. And then got annoyed when I wound everyone up. You see there's a flaw in that plan. What did you tweet? So I tweeted, it has taken Beyonce to release an inauthentic country album for me to finally understand cultural appropriation. And the amount of people replying going,

hang on, she's from texas that makes it authentic that's the only reason it works as a joke that's the only reason it's funny look she's great she's wonderful she's talented and she's she's got a lovely bump great country i hate beyonce i know you do i think that's yeah but you don't tweet about it I hate her fans actually yeah fucking boring what what a shit pint no they're just like oh I don't know I hate

but anyone like I don't know Taylor Swift fans probably the same you're more of like a Kelly Rowland man you aren't you yeah yeah and you're all the other one

yeah I mean your fandom isn't massively committed is it yeah who's your favourite the third one he only does Kelly Rowland

away though wants to avoid the tourist massively committed, is it? Who's your favourite? The third one. He only does Kelly Rowland away, though. Wants to avoid the tourist. I've told this story on this before, probably a couple of times, but during COVID in the UK, there was a brief period of time where comedy and performance was illegal, but conferences were legal again. Yeah.

So I put on a conference that was about to teach the audience about stand-up comedy, and it was to be to teach the audience about stand-up comedy, and it was to be taught through the medium of stand-up comedy. And you know how we taught that? We taught it by putting three acts in a compare in a comedy show. And they were allowed to take notes. That is absolutely genius.

I mean, it's French in its philosophical outlook. Is this comedy? If a man is talking about comedy, is it comedy? That's essentially what this is. And you were okay? Yeah. Did you have to have a substantial meal?

Did you have to... No, it wasn't that time of the sort of restrictions. It was just the substantial meal thing hadn't come in yet. That was a few months later. Did anybody check this? Did anybody check at...

Somebody stand outside afterwards and go, did anybody learn anything? No. Because if somebody stand outside afterwards and go did anybody learn anything? No. Because if nobody learned anything then this isn't a conference.

I honestly think we could have had like a drug field sex rave and there would have been no one there and we could have like put posters up

it just wasn't no one gave a fuck in Runcorn. A drug field sex conference Adam. How conference did you go? Did you sleep

with a woman you found mildly attractive in a travel lodge? Probably. Were you go? Did you sleep with a woman you found mildly attractive in a travel lodge? Probably. Were you there? I was that woman. It was great.

We were all keynote speakers, weren't we? Oh God, were you? Yeah. And did you have PowerPoint? No, we could have though. There was a projector ready to go. I think we still got pictures from it.

Was that Sloss? No. Kai, wasn't it? No. Was it Sloss? No. Kai wasn't it? No. Was it Sloss? No it wasn't

either. It was Justin Morehouse. Justin Morehouse, you, Danny

Mack, me and Alfie Brown. Oh yeah yeah yeah. And the Heath. Everybody did

lose their run on themselves with that. Yeah. I saw Kai, there was

a fella in Dublin and he was in he was with the masks

thing. People did wear masks when they were told to wear masks. And there was a guy and I looked down in an alley in Dublin and there was a guy in a mask and he was in, he was, you know, with the masks thing, like people, people did wear masks when they were told to wear masks and there was a guy and I looked down an alley in Dublin

and there was a guy in a mask and he was taking heroin. Fully injecting and wearing a mask and I was just looking at him going, is there,

do we see any irony in this dog? And he was like, no point taking risks with your health, you know? I remember when the Substantial Meals came in and I went on a first date

and walked into the bar. We'd already been for food. So I booked a bar for afterwards and we walked in and they went, right, you've got to have a pizza, but we know you don't want it. So we're giving everyone

who comes in two tables, one to just leave their pizza on and one for you. So you can actually just sit there and have your drinks. So you haven't just got a pizza in front of you. So they would give you a table for two. Yeah. And you put your drinks on it.

The next table next to you would be empty and no one would sit there, which covered the distance in as well. Right. And they would just put a pizza on that and go, if anyone comes in like to check, you just point to that and say, that's my pizza. That was the science.

There's a global pandemic put a pizza on a different table and you'll all be fine it was so funny I saw a woman on a train who wouldn't wear a mask and she was like I just thought

I was on the tube in London she goes I just don't like have anything on my face I just find it too restrictive she had eyelashes

fake eyelashes on that were out to there. Do you know, do you know the ones, like, you know the ones you see in a Nissan Micra? You know the ones

the car was? That's what she had. Like, there was a handsome dude beside me and she winked at the handsome dude beside me

and his paper kind of slightly ruffled. They were massive. And you're like, you're not. Do you drive a Nissan Micra, Harry? He's just bought one.

Does his face have a car? Harry passed his driving test. Have you got the this on micro harry he's just bought one does first ever car harry passed his driving test have you got the eyelashes on here he hasn't got the car yet if we get you eyelashes will you put them on you absolute shagger you used to have to sign

into the pub walk in the pub have you signed in yeah I've signed in yeah yeah yeah right in the big show did you do the garden gigs did you do any of them

I didn't do any of those ones where the driving gigs or anything like that. I did those gigs where there was 14 or 15 people, though, you know? In December, near a graveyard. It was, yeah. How long have you been going, Neil? Because I remember you when I was starting out. About 20 years, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Same as you. Yeah, I remember you coming over to the Frog and absolutely humping it. Yeah, I never used to do much here. I used to do clubs and stuff. I used to do Edinburgh, but it didn't... I kind of got lucky with... I did stuff in RTE.

Dara Breen had a panel show. And kind of 2004 around that time. Maxwell used to do it. I used to do it. And Ed Byrne used to do it. And then once that happened, you could kind of tour. After a couple of years of that, you could tour a bit you know so um used to come over to edinburgh but i i kind of

let the clubs go really but we probably met about that about that yeah you know um yeah about 20 years we got um because uh harry does a bit of research for us which is very kind of him and we we have been in discussion with uh a prison about potentially putting on a gig at a prison. Oh, yeah. Apparently, you have actually done a gig in a prison. Oh, yeah. Or did a gig in a... Do you know Willa White?

Yeah. Oh, we know Willa. Willa's been on the show. Was he in, mate? Or was he performing? Well, I mean, what time frame are we talking about? Because the answer to that question is yes and yes. Willa White,

who we all know has the best stories of any comedian in history. If people don't know him, he was a man who did all sorts of criminal behaviour by his own admission

and has completely turned his life around and is a lovely man now and he's a comedian. And he's a killer comic. He's a really nice dude, very successful and he has more stories

and you'll be driving, like you talk about your first car, you'll be driving, like you talk about your first car, you'll be driving over a hill somewhere, you give him a lift and the conversation would start normal

and then Willie would just turn. So we passed a car one day going to a gig and Willie just goes, that was one of the first cars I ever stole. And he proceeds to tell,

and if any criminal ever happens in Dublin, he knows the people who did it. Like somebody robs the post office Willie goes oh that'll be splitty and he looks at his phone

and then it is the goods we were when we flew to Edinburgh once we were we were flying to Edinburgh together and I was at the start and the woman goes

oh you got it's 30 kilos in your bag you can't have 30 kilos it's 27 or something like this and I was saying Willie you can take you

out of the prison but I can't take the prison out of you willie opened his bag and he took by feel he just went that that's a kilo that's about a kilo as well he did three kilos i mean to the max picking bits out oh no no no he was bits out. Ooh, ooh, ooh. No, no, no, no. He was absolutely brilliant. So Will organised these gigs in Mountjoy Prison and we went in and did them. What sort of level of prison is that? Harmless enough for the one we did.

So there was a... I did it with Charlotte Regan as well. So Charlotte's very gentle and cerebral sort of comedian. And he's sitting there. So Willie goes on and absolutely destroys it right he's heckled by his

former cellmate and right fuck me yeah and Willie then goes look at you blah blah blah

and the line I'll never forget he goes I say the guards the cops didn't even have to give you the biscuits before you were gone

bleh bleh bleh bleh as if the level of informant is fig rolls or jammy dodgers so your man shuts up right so that makes him storm and then Willow looks

at some sort of I don't think he'll mind me telling this story because he has told it as well he looks at some prison officer who'd been up for something really bad but had said nothing

and Willow goes look at Mr. Smith there look up on a 9-1-2 and he said nothing he knew to keep look at mr smith there look up on a 9-1-2 and he said nothing he knew to keep his mouth shut and they all went right and i'm sitting there going to willie he's doing local in the prison he's doing local he's postcoding the prison but he's not doing any kind of any couples in you can't do that sort of stuff what do you need for a linen yeah who's travelled the furthest but he's having the crack and then

so he introduces Jarlik Jarlik goes up and the front row is empty right and then it's all the lads sitting and there's a lad sitting

there like this and he's reading the copy the sun or the news of the world or something like this and Jarlik goes hey

why are those those chairs empty and the guy just looks up and he goes oh they're for the riot. And he looks back at his newspaper and he just shot himself. And I was looking at Willie and Willie goes, these are kind of not head cases, you know. And then I said to Willie, what's the way to approach this? Just be a bit aggressive if someone slags you off, you know.

And he goes, yeah, just be aggressive. So I go down and the same guy heckled me. The same cellmate heckled me and I looked at Willie and Willie's like the godfather and he's like,

like this is your, you know, abuse him. And I just like, route one, you have nearly as big a mouth as your sister. I believe I said to your man

and there's a pause and everybody went, wah! Oh, that pause. And then went wah oh that pause and then oh that pause you feel your ass just just would you do

same to you as well would you do like a catay serial killer gig like a prison where like they're bringing out the what's the fee

what what's the fee 10k oh shit wow I thought that this would be a longer discussion than that but no the thing is like What? What's the fee? 10K. Oh, shit. Wow. I thought that this would be a longer discussion than that. Well, the thing is, like, it's fucking... It's Johnny Cash in it.

Everyone's got Johnny Cash in the red when they think gig in a prison. Yeah. But Cat C's not that, is it? It's not just murderers either. It's the worst kind of people you don't want to entertain. No, we'll make it so that it's just the murderers wing. What are you going to stand there with?

Murderers, bank robbers, no pedos, no nonsense. Just murderers. Murderers, right. What are you in for? See, when it came up... Because they can watch a special for fuck all, so why aren't you taking a ten grand?

Just go and do the stuff that's already on YouTube. I'm a fucking patriot. I was against it, but now, I don't know. I was against it and I just, but now, I don't know. Now knowing that it's been done, it sounds interesting.

I don't know about Cat A though. No, no, no. Like this was, this was kind of young lads and you know. We were just worried about who we were doing it to. Whether like Cat C,

maybe like, you know, a bagel. That's all right, isn't it? You've got your bagelers, your house lovelies. But also being, if you're led around

by someone who has been there like we were waiting to go on in the kitchen right and a guy comes in and he says to Willie alright Willie

doing a bit of cooking is it and Willie went the only cooking I did in here was in the fucking spoon and so we were like Jesus Christ

yeah I do I do it with Will I know but I know, he was just... But I know, yeah. Because you're with a made man, aren't you, basically? Yeah, yeah. I'd do the murder again, mate. You would do a murder again?

I'd do the murder again. Murder as well. It's not a problem. The podcast I last heard was you discussing, I mean, with remarkable enthusiasm for blowing somebody's head off with a shotgun, if they broke in. I mean, there was a level of enthusiasm there

that would suggest that you would entice people in, like leave your front door open and leave jewellery in. Come to us. Let's see how long you last, do you know what I mean? Somebody wanted to just disable them, wasn't it you? Shoot them in the legs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you were like, no, blow his head off.

Blow his fucking head off, mate. Okay. He's in your house. Yeah, usually it's the kind of thing I take the piss out of Adam for, blow his head off you blow his fucking head off mate okay he's in your house yeah usually it's the kind of thing I take the piss out of Adam for but the older I get and then

yeah I think yeah shoot him what they doing there but see that's I think that's why he'll play a murderer's gig because he knows he's one

one slight burglar away he's one burglar but also I just see it as like I'm just doing a gig and they could watch me for free anyway I thought you were talking about as like i'm just doing a gig and they could watch me for free

anyway i thought you were talking about the breaking i'm just doing the gig i'm fucking ripping me stairs and then some cunt comes in shoot him in the head just like hot water i've already watched you yeah and you've made fucking no money from that apart from the seven pence you get from a youtube advert chance yeah but the chances are in 20 years of doing stand-up five times a week or whatever, I mean, how many gigs are you up to? It's got to be a few thousand, 5,000 gigs. I mean, yeah, we've played to a murder, haven't we? Just statistically, you must have.

Yeah, so you're going to give that fee back, right? Yeah. Going in, though. I'm really behind wanting to go into a prison I think it would be a really interesting special because you're not doing the gig are you

no but I'm still in the prison with you oh yeah Carl's first gig what if we make oh no that would be good if we get to 30,000 patrons Carl's first gig

in a prison why not Carl's only ever gigs just all your gigs ever sorry just the prison they are the same thing. Just a prison tour.

Just you only doing places that people are incarcerated. I can't say no either. I wasn't saying no. Well, you guys set it up. I went to a pretty reasonable grammar school. None of my former schoolmates are doing life. I'm sure you know someone. Scottish John, you know someone, don't you? He's on the outside now. Yeah. And I'm not getting know someone Scottish John you know someone don't you

he's on the outside no yeah and I'm not getting in touch with the lads who are in school we're doing our mate doesn't go and listen lad

insert name here do us a favour have a word with your governor see if he'll let me come and do 10 minutes we just need to put a plan this is an offline chat we need to put a plan

together for the prison alright Neil are you coming over and doing your second prison you could be the prison guy we're doing Broadmoor though so yeah yeah prison. Alright. Neil, you're coming over and doing your second prison. You could be the prison guy. We're doing Broadmoor though, so.

Yeah. No. Willie asked me to do more since. I'm doing another gig. I said, no. Did you just want

to do it for the experience? No, Willie was out in a car outside my house when he asked. He rang you as well? Ah, no, no.

I'm outside yours and we're doing a prison gig. Don't ask any questions. Get in. I'm in your car is what he said. Do you hear that revving? That's me in your car.

How fast does this go? No, he, it was years ago and he just said, like they were like whatever you would describe them as category C. They were young lads,

lots of young lads and there's lots of people who have made mistakes and their life has gone a particular way and maybe any of us could have

gone that way and that's how he kind of cast it and they were they weren't you know is cat C the lowest one is it cat A

is the B and what's B just even try and slap someone what's cat S is that what happens to your car? What are cats?

Oh yeah. On AutoTrader. It's a pet, isn't it? On AutoTrader, if your car's a write-off and they try and resell it. D's the TV presenter. Yeah.

Cat Dealey. Yeah. Yeah. A bunch of pricks. Stop being so catty. Cat S, with the full S, is that horrendous

animated film with James Corden. Cat A is the bad guys. Cat B is the oh. Cat C is like oh. I'm sorry, what? What's Cat B is? Oh. Like oh, nearly.

It's like armed robbery. No, that's Cat A. Is it just robbery? I think, Google it. I'm on it. Cat B is neither one thing or the other. It's like... I'm sure we've checked this one. What's a second world country?

Like, there's first world countries and third world countries. What's a second world country? Wales. Just slightly shit. Do they exist? Yeah, I don't know, but all you ever hear is first world and third world.

Right, Cat A, high security prisons. Male prisoners who, if they were to escape, pose the most threat to the country. Cat B, either... To the country? local or training prisons. Whoa, whoa, whoa. They're training people to be prisoners? Yeah.

This doesn't matter. I'm going to go on a different website. It's like when the bus drivers get talked by the fella. You have to get on the bus, don't you? You have to go to the prison. I'd do the women's prison. Would you? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You think because they're all just being lesbians, don't you? Yeah, because I'm... He's got started and just has been black and gone. This is a great documentary. Lesbians love me, mate. I'm at one with the lesbians. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, they love me. You do look like a bit of a lesbian. Yeah, exactly. We get on well, we're into the same thing. You can play five aside with them. So, cat A is when you might try to escape. So, they think you're going to try and escape

and you'd be a danger to the public. Cat B is where prison staff think you should have no chance of escaping. Cat C is where they think you will not escape, but that you cannot be trusted in an open prison. Oh, hang on. And there's a cat D. And cat D is an open prison.

Open prisons, isn't it? You can go home. It's all online, that one. An there's a Cat D. And Cat D is an open prison. Open prison's in it. You can go home. It's all online, that one. An open prison, you can go home. It's centre box. You get like weekend release and stuff. You may have your own cell with your own keys. With your own keys?

Hang on, what's this? That's just a house, isn't it? This is just a council flat. That's a council flat. Like, I can go home. I have my own keys. You don't do this. Who runs this?

Is it escape to the country? Well, it wouldn't be escape. But that sounds like Kirstie and Phil finding you a cell. Going to the final. Cat D must be amazing. Right, escape plan, boys. Just wander off that way.

Just go through that little part. Do we have to dig a tunnel? No. No, no, no. Just remember your keys. Just turn the heating off, though. So take me through that again. Cat C is they think you can't be trusted,

but they're going to give you the benefits of the doubt. Cat B is they should definitely be locked up, so make sure you do lock it. And Cat A is also put the snip on. Yeah, they might run away. Yeah, Cat A is the A-listers. They're the big boys. It's that, isn't it?

It's A-list, B-list, C-list in terms of celebrities, in terms of prisoners. Yeah. Yeah, but you would think that it was based on how dangerous you were rather than when you might escape or not. Yeah, but I think they're mutually exclusive, aren't they? If you're a big dangerous drug lord,

it's very likely for you to get broken up. But what if you were done for fraud, but just really tasty? What if you just... You're a fraudster, but they're just like, don't like a fucking look of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just really untrustworthy.

Yeah. What if you had hands like shovels? You have really, really sturdy hands, but you were a fraudster. Like, you're going to dig a tunnel. A low level criminal, but you have like fucking seven foot. What if your criminal underground nickname

was the vole or the mole? And you're underground. I'd love to shoot a vole. Cap D it says is for low threat and also murderers who are coming towards the end of a lengthy sentence. Yeah. It's like a low threat.

Just whispers. Yeah. I'll fucking kill you. Open. It's basically, you've done 30 years and you've been rehabilitated and now we want to push you

back into the open world. What's this call? Do I believe in rehabilitation? Not in prison, no. Really? Prisons are not a place to rehabilitate. You think once a murderer always a murderer?

No. I think prisons are not made to rehabilitate. You think once a murderer, always a murderer? No. I think prisons are not made to rehabilitate. I think they're made to... Listen, there's a uni. What is the point of prison to you? Is it to deter, to punish, to rehabilitate? What's the point? Is it all three?

No, there's loads, but what's the main point? I think it's to punish and rehabilitate. It's also a deterrence, though, isn't it? Don't do that, you're going to prison. Yeah. But what's the most important one? The most important one doesn't matter. It doesn't.

Still all three. The most important is rehabilitation. Punishment and rehabilitation don't really go together, do they? Because it just doesn't happen in the real world. Oh, this is like the naughty kids at your school. Right, you've killed five people, have a quad bike.

People can have like, things can have more than one like joint equal purpose. A hundred percent, but in the prison system, it doesn't work. You think the focus isn't on rehabilitation? No, it's not. Yeah, he's right. Honestly, Carl never shuts up about prison reform.

He's known for it. I study criminology. I just never spoke about it. To be honest with you, it's the only reason I'm on this podcast. I didn't really want to talk to you two. It's Carl. I want to see what he thinks about the recidivism rates for... Oh, unbelievable.

My lecturer was a prison abolitionist. She taught criminology and wanted to get rid of prison. I'm a slavery abolitionist. Good lad. You're still against this. Very progressive of you. No, I think, you know...

Still not like it. I still think it was a great thing to abolish. That's me, though. Prisons are awful. I'm not saying I've got the answer, but prisons are. But what would, like, if you got put in charge of prison reform right now,

what's your instinct? Chain gangs. Chain gangs. Oh, that'd be amazing, wouldn't it? Just on the M56. Woo, la la la. Breaking stone. Anyone? Chain gangs?

No? I mean, I think we- I nearly did a, I think we... I nearly did it. I don't know if you heard. No, I heard it. I got a woman! I think we all got really nervous. Community-based prisons, when you see places like

Bastoy Prison, where it's on an island and stuff, and basically they live on that. Their punishment is being cut off from the world. Yeah, but to some people that's just like a really expensive holiday.

That's Bora Bora, isn't it? Does it look like Bora Bora? So you marry people and you get sent on a honeymoon. That doesn't seem any like... No, your punishment is you are no longer part of society.

You don't see your family. You're not part of this community. You would put way more money into prison courses and education. Stop them being criminals rather than going, use it all, shit,

be together and then come out sound. So you don't think the island is a good idea? No, I do. No, he does. He wants to send them all to Ibiza.

Oh, that island. What about Anglesey? Isle of Man. Which islands? Yeah, the Isle of Man is a great one. It's weird over there. That's what Australia

is essentially, isn't it? It's just, it's been over there that's what Australia is essentially isn't it it's just they've gone a bit far with it I've never seen you give a shit about prisons yeah no I do obviously you studied criminology it's exactly what you're

talking about isn't it yeah but they just went a bit far didn't they what like distance wise built Sydney up a house that was too far they got too far over there basically I just think

prisons are awful awful and they interest me loads but I think I'm not saying over there. Basically, I just think prisons are awful, awful. They interest me loads, but I think... I'm not saying I've got the answers. I just don't think what happens right now works. Do you reckon more gigs? More gigs, yeah. More Will.i.white gigs. But more things that are going to entertain them.

Oh, the killers or whatever. Things that are going to help rehabilitate and educate them. They're usually a product... Sorry, did you mean the bad men? What? What did I say? The killers. Get them in there, it'd be great. They're usually a product of where they live, aren't they?

It's usually fucking because they live in a ship. What about psychopaths? They're in hospital, aren't they? They don't go to prison, they go to hospital. They go to Hospital Island. In fairness, everything that you've thrown at him, he's answered. If you're mentally ill, you need fixing medically.

Yeah, but there's no psychopaths in Alderay. If you're mentally ill, you need fixing medically. Yeah, but like, there's no psychopaths in Alderay. Like, they're in like prison or something, aren't they? Correct, yeah. I think if you're mentally ill, you go to prison or you go to hospital or start a podcast.

Oh, that would rip. What do you mean? It's ripping. Exhibit A, Exhibit B. From the psych ward. There's a famous island that's going at the minute that needs a new repurposing.

What's that? Oh, Epstein. Oh, okay. Basically, it's a guy called Jeffrey Epstein used to traffic children and fuck them on an island.

Hang on, the New York financier? Yeah. I haven't heard this. Have you been? What? Has Annie Z... No, I think I would've

heard about this. No. Jeffrey Epstein? Come on. Tell us more about this then. He was flying kids and dwarves to this island and some of them were doing maths and some of them were getting fucked.

And anyway, he was about to expose everyone who was fucking the kids and then he killed himself in prison. I'd imagine he wouldn't have any friends. Surely if you were his friend, you'd stop being his friend once he was convicted and stuff. No, apparently a lot of people are still being like,

he was my mate. No way. And would they have done a Newsnight interview about being his friend still, would they? You should have knocked your finger on the pulse,

by the way. This can't be real. What? Former presidents, are they involved? I believe so. I think the main regret a lot of these people had

was signing the guest book. I think that's why they really let themselves down. Bill Clinton was here. Cracking time. Oh, what have I done that for? Bill, Bill,

Hillary, I, that, and kids. Allegedly. I hate prison have I done that for? Bill, Lord, Shirley, I, Dad and kids. Allegedly. I hate prison. I could talk all day about this, but I don't think we should.

Yeah, that'd be a good island. So which prison are you going to do? What? Which prison are you going to do? Broadmoor, we'll look now. Really? They have done stand-up gigs, eh? I know, yeah.

Why not a local prison around here? Broadmoor's not that far away. Okay. Isn't Manchester? No. Ashworth, that's around there as well. Where's Broadmoor? Is Broadmoor not...

Is Broadmoor in Liverpool? Broadmoor's a hospital. It's a... Where's it? Berkshire. You're thinking of Ashworth? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Am I?

Ashworth, yeah. Yeah. Berkshire, Manchester. Yeah. That was the prisons I think if we're going to do it I think if we're

going to do it you've got to go for the big one would you prefer to host that gig or would you prefer to close middle spot

I'm quite happy whatever spot you want to give me you know what I mean open middle close whatever you want he's doing a double with two prisons

though so he wants to go it's a tight double is there a rule if you play one prison within a certain radius you can't do another prison? They don't pay for your hotel.

Yeah, yeah. And the worry thing is when the stag do's in. You're like, whoa. She is a lucky lady. Yeah, I think if we're going to do it

you've got to go big. Because like, if we go, oh, we did this cat sea prison with all these people with unpaid parking fines no one's going to give a fuck what are you in for

no one's going to give a fuck about that it's only funny if there's murderers there and they're fuming with us it's only funny there's murderers in sea we've just said that there's murderers in sea who are not really murderers anymore like they you know they've had enough birthday cake and they're like you know what i'm not gonna do it

again that's it is do they birth their cake is where we're going wrong that if we get enough birthday cake into somebody call it give them loads more calling the caterpillar everywhere watch people comment oh man there's a rapist don't deserve nice things i know no beds i'm already pre-fucking exit yeah but you're saying you do want to give them nice things i do yeah yeah so that you don't know no i'm saying i can see the comments you're tying yourself in nazi sunshine that's what you're doing is there something you want to admit to make prison better so when i get there it's all this is i'm thinking they're going to dig up a body and you're like you've done a lot of prehab here

and you've said listen I think prisoners such as myself in the future. He told me how he'd get away with murder years ago. Yeah. Years ago.

I've always suspected he might be a murderer. That's why I've kept him so close. What was the way I said get away with it? I forgot. You said you kill someone completely random.

Oh random yeah. Oh yeah. It's got to be totally random. I feel like you saying it on one of the most popular podcasts in england probably increases your chances of being caught yeah there's loads of murders there's loads of podcasts yeah i do it with i'm saying off menu you fuck then i do it with an umbrella what i put like something naughty on the end of an umbrella like a needle and just walked I go fuck off keep walking yeah is there something else on the needle

or is it just an inconvenient scratch ah yeah where did you give me your PCG this is going to get you in five to six months

I was like I don't know ricin on it or something that's how they did it somebody was killed in London years ago really yeah a spy

look that up Liffing Yanko no that was that was Salisbury wasn't it he played for CSK Moscow left winger that's how they got Eazy-E as well

didn't they Georgie Markov Bulgarian was killed on Waterloo Bridge by a poisoned umbrella fuck off

yeah Mary Poppins you fucking hack Mary Poppins did 25 years for us they just went with her or Rihanna were the

two obvious suspects? Oh, she'd be so popular in fucking prison just pulling smack and telephones out of that bag. That was a Mary Poppins joke, ladies and gents. I spoke with Rihanna. Are you going to confuse with David Copperfield? By the way, I must be smart if the spies are doing it. 100%.

And that's how they got EZA. Apparently, they stabbed them with their sweet AIDS. Apparently, it was Shug Night when they beat them up if you're watching Shug I'm not saying nothing he said it himself on like Jimmy Fallon

didn't he full of hip hop conspiracy today Carl if I would have done it this is how I would have done it kind of thing like OJ can I ask a question

about Irish comedy Neil which I'm a big fan of before we do a 30th minute on prisons yeah and prison reform um we uh i'm a big fan of tommy tiernan yes as i think we all are yeah yeah absolutely is he held in a sort of regard like kitson is held over here is it with irish comedy like i don't maybe this is an ignorance on my part but like adam was over in cork yeah galway sorry and he was doing like a preview in the corner of a warm-up show like one in the afternoon for an hour while everyone's on their lunch yeah like 50 60 of us in a pub and it was

just unbelievable yeah no he is held in that regard yeah he's he's uh but i suppose he is more popular kind of mainstream appeal than kids and so he hasn regard yeah he's but I suppose he is more popular kind of mainstream appeal than Kitson so he hasn't so he's done that rare thing of holding on well

he looks like he is doing what he wants to do all the time he looks like he's not compromising that's what I always think so he just happens to be

brilliant at it just because it's popular doesn't mean it's not brilliant it's like the Beatles just because it's popular doesn't mean it's not brilliant I think most people think he's brilliant and I think most people think he's brilliant.

And I think the stuff, like, I don't know if you saw the show he did a few years ago, which was him going out and trying to improvise the whole thing, right? And he did a tour of it.

I think, so like he wouldn't ask the audience anything. So he wouldn't get any outside impotence or stimulus. He would just go on and start talking.

Oh, so just riff on his own? Yeah, yeah. With no outside, what do you do? Where are we here? What did you do in prison? What do you do? So not a crowd work special.

No, no, no. A truly on the spot ad lib. Yeah, and sometimes it was hard watching. Sometimes it was kind of amazing. But that to me is somebody who's kind of mastered his art and probably is maybe like, I've done all that.

I'll try and do something else entirely. Pretty much the entire hour we see him was was it the gospel according to Matthew it was just all about that I love it he has this weird connection

to people he has this it is art yeah and I know it's really pretentious to say that but I've only ever seen art like two or three times and once was with him

I saw a gig with him in Kilkenny a million years ago and it was like 12 o'clock 1 o'clock at night and he went on and he was with him. I saw a gig with him in Kilkenny a million years ago and it was like 12 o'clock, one o'clock at night and he went on and he was talking about and he goes,

something like, I used to love mass. He wasn't religious but he says, I used to love the songs and he started singing a song and everybody sang the song back to him.

Like 500 people sang a song like a hymn from our childhood and Kitson was standing beside me actually and Kitson looked at beside me actually and Kitson looked at me

and I went yeah this sort of stuff happens with them he has this connection to an audience that's kind of extraordinary yeah

and then also just killer funny oh yeah yeah yeah some of the highlight reel of Tommy Tiernan is just like but he has wildness

he has devilment in him he like it's not safe it's not no there's this kind of low-key trickster spirit that you know you're going to be teased.

But isn't that all good comedy? I hate comedy. Squeaky clean comedy. You're like, you want someone who just goes studs up a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the eyes light up and you don't know. Like, it's kind of weird sort of story. Storyteller around a campfire sort of shit.

Like, I think he's brilliant at that. I just remember the... His control of the pace and of the hour was beyond insane when we seen him because he would just, he would get to the sort of crescendo of a bit. Yeah.

And then he would take like a really long... And, you know, and then it'd go right back to like no momentum. Yeah. There's a man who never played Watford junglers. Yeah. Is that fair to say? He would just immediately reset it. And it was like he sort of really slowly built up

and then it would sort of get to here. And then it would. But that's like jazz though, isn't it? It's a guy just playing with the form and stuff. Yeah, that's exactly how good he is. It was jazz. The African priest doing mass. This is an old bit of his that is still online somewhere.

Yeah. Zacchaeus comes down from the tree. It's so wonderful. Yeah. Just go, if you're not a Tommy Tiernan fan, go and have a look. Where's your favourite place to play in Ireland? Like, as comics, where are we missing out? Because I hear... vicar street's brilliant well yeah we've done we did a live show

there street's legendary uh there's places like i like rural theaters are absolutely amazing because sometimes their people are delighted that you're there that you that you've kind of turned up uh kill kenny is meant to be unbelievable with the festival the festival's brilliant yeah I like North of the Border because of a proper dark sense of humour like that comics tend to go for and there's like

sort of I remember there was a guy in the front row of the gig once and I said what are you doing he goes I'm a paramedic and I'm a child

so I said have you ever pulled anything out of anybody's arse and he went aww not at work like this

and his wife just went, oh, like this. And nobody could look at the two of them in the eye for the rest of the gig. And she got up to go to the loo and had a very slight limp. And everybody just kind of, you could feel the whole audience,

I don't want to discuss it. But there's a proper level of messing there that I like. That arena uh in the sc arena in the ice hockey arena in belfast is savage gig savage gig because it's big enough to have that roar but small enough to still for you to to fuck around with it which yeah you should definitely definitely paul smith did it a few times on his last tour and just that was some of the best stuff he's ever done. Shane Todd's selling it out in November, isn't he?

Have you noticed any change in your audience from doing like Dancing With The Stars and doing that more mainstream stuff? Have you noticed any changes? Fucking nearly fucking mainstream. I wasn't on it long enough for that. Oh, the great thing about that- Oh, did you get hoed off? Well, so you don't get hoed off well so you don't get

hoed off the worst thing is you can the worst thing you can do on that is do okay so you do okay

you're mid table and you're like we're safe and then people even if people are fans there's no crossover between your

and Des Fisher rang me Des is properly intense he goes man you need to canvas I said what do you

mean he goes canvas you need to get everybody to said, what do you mean? He goes, canvas. You need to get everybody to vote for you. And I was like, is that a thing? Can you do that?

But he was right. Has Des Bishop done it? Des did it, yeah. And Des is quite a good dancer. He was, to use your parlance, hoid off. Hang on,

but is Des back in America now? He's back in America, yeah. So he's come back over to do... No, no, he did it years ago and he was kind of hoofed out too early given how good a dancer he is but it's not about

how good a dancer you are like I was mid-table when we were hoofed out if you had been terrible people would try and save you whereas you were mid-table you're like we're grand here

but like the outfits man you cannot the only thing you do like you have to go in and go I'm up for this I don't care what you wear just throw it. But like a 40 year old man in dungarees, you look like a paedophile and the object of a paedophile's affection at the same time.

That's what you look like. You look like someone should be handing you a balloon and then you're going to use the balloon for some nefarious purposes. But you just go knock yourself out. I'm going to show you some pictures. I'm going to find some pictures. Oh yeah. But you just go, knock yourself out. Have you got a... I'm going to find some pictures. Oh, yeah. Sorry, Neil. We can't help. We need to make that... Oh, yeah.

There you go. What's that one? This one. No, that's Ghostbusters. That wasn't great. The first two outfits are amazing. Oh, there you go. We've made it a more bigger... Is that Ghostbusters? Oh, sorry. The middle one there. There you go. Here made it a more bigger is that Ghostbusters oh sorry yeah the middle one there

there you go here no down down that one look at that oh Neil a black sort of

oh sequined number sequined bolero jacket oh and you get you got to keep these well no I brought in

my own clothes that was mine yeah I look like Elton John at an Orange Order parade is how I would describe that. Look at that. That's so funny.

And then, so they say to you about fake tan, right? That's the big thing. So they say, will we fake tan you? And I went, well, I don't have time.

I'm doing a gig in Limerick tonight. And they went, well, your arms are going to be out. And I went, okay. And they said, well, we can fake tan half of you and I went alright so they

faked tan to be the waist and then the rest of you is pale Celtic so you look like 20 Benton and Hedges basically

I was fully convinced I was going to have a car accident and going down to the limerick that night and you'd be sheared limb from limb and they'd never be able to put the bodies back together

because they were like, he appears to have been in the car with some sort of Spanish lady. Yeah, it's absolutely brilliant crack to do, but it's fucking terrifying. Terrifying. It looks difficult. It looks hard work,

the training, the week, going up to the performances. Well, what they do at the start, you have a brilliant choreographer and she's like, the week, going up to the performances. Well, what they do at the start, you have a brilliant choreographer, and she's like, okay, we're going to do this. We're going to do this step and this step and this step and this step. And after you don't get that five times in a row,

she goes, okay, we're not going to do that. We're going to do this now. And then if you don't get that, she goes, can you stand there and do that? Right? So they're very good at kind of matching your level but it's I've never been more

scared than anything you still dancing no everybody always asks you that you gonna continue no fuck off I did it for money

and it was being trained by a world champion if I if I couldn't do it well with her Neil's still fake tanning himself

oh no very much but only the same half. Because it looks so good. No, but I would recommend anybody to do it. It's absolutely terrifying, though. Would you do it? Come on, do it. Do it.

I think you're nailed on for it. Do it. I think you're going in the jungle one day, and I just hope this podcast is still going when you're in the jungle. Oh, God. Oh, God. Yeah, the offence, archaeology. Oh, my God. in the jungle one day and I just hope this podcast is still going when you're in the jungle. Oh God. Oh God.

Yeah, the offence, archaeology. I win. Never stop in this podcast. If I'm ever in the jungle, it will be while this is still going. And we'll carry it on and people will be voting for him and he'll win.

Yeah. Dancing on ice. Shoot me in the fucking head. Dancing on ice in the jungle. I'm waiting for the crossover. Would you do the jungle? Yeah. Would you do the jungle?

No. Would you not do any... Mate, I can't eat chicken eggs. I'm not eating cockroach bollocks. What the fuck's an eggs? Yeah, I meant... No, because over there

don't we have to eat dinosaur eggs? I mean, he's right. I mean, generally, I would take eggs to eat chicken eggs. I've just never heard them called chicken eggs before.

I'm like, what the fuck's a chicken egg? Just an egg. Hiya, love. Can I please have the chicken eggs on toast, please? What eggs? You've not specified what eggs. We've got crocodile, emu.

No, just two scrambled chicken eggs, please. Two scrambled chicken eggs. I like planetary gravity. That's what I like. It's just gravity. No, no, I like to be unbelievably specific. Earth gravity. Oh, God.

But no. Jürgen. Jürgen Klopp. Klopp. Jürgen Klopp. Fuck my life. Chicken eggs, Benedict, please, love.

That'll do me. I'm such a spanner. I saw it happen in real time. I saw you say itanner I saw it happen in real time I saw you say it I saw him realise what he was going to say to you I saw him get excited by that and then

oh it was beautiful why would that pull me off it if that was written on a menu it does chicken eggs do you like porky bacon pig bacon chicken eggs yeah but like I suppose if you're a fussy eater you might as well I'll be out It makes me not... Chicken eggs. Do you like porky bacon? Pig bacon. Chicken eggs?

Yeah, but like, I suppose if you're a fussy eater, you might as well, I'll be out. Because it's all horrible, isn't it? Like, normal food is horrible to me. So what difference is it like... Would you have a witch's club?

I just met, I did a show where we met a survivalist in Ohio. Right. And I got on really well with him. And it was about this kind of end of the world stuff. And he goes,

here's your dinner. And he gave me a skinned grey squirrel. Would you? So he had the skinned grey squirrel in this hand. And he had the head and the pelt of the squirrel in that hand. Another question you were about to ask, Dan. Yeah. Can you just ask him immediately?

Would you eat something like that? He's never eaten an egg. Can I just tell you, I'm a fussy eater, right? Yeah. I don't eat chicken eggs. Yeah. I eat pig bacon. Okay.

And I sometimes eat cow beef, right? Okay. And I eat chicken chicken. Chicken chicken. Chicken chicken. Chicken chicken. But if you took the meat off a squirrel,

Yeah. and you put it on like a, like a Turkish, like, grill, and you put it on a Turkish grill, and then put it in a wrap... Hang on. That's going to be the biggest one ever. That'll make you the new bell. I'd have squirrel kebab. Barley.

Every time you do it, you try and break them. Okay, let me rephrase that. You hadn't had Doner's until about six weeks ago. And it was nice. He doesn't like gravy, Neil. Also, by the way, shout out Donnie, which has probably got squirrels in it. Let's be honest.

Well, okay. That was not the situation. The situation was... Oh, over at Open Fire. Survivalists. Squirrel in one hand. Squirrel's family looking on. Oh, yeah. Like a sylvanian family member

like a sylvanian family member funeral quentin tarantino sylvanian families yeah yeah pelt and head of squirrel in this hand yeah looks like the thing you put on the top of a golf club and you put it back in yeah that's what it looked like and he says will you eat this and hands me the squirrel hang on hang on was he not putting over the fire a bit oh no no no and we're not eating put it back in. That's what it looked like. And he says, will you eat this and hands me the squirrel. Hang on, hang on. Was he not putting over the fire a bit? Oh, no, no, no. We're not eating it raw.

Yeah, look, it's up to me to put the squirrel or squirrel, squirrel, as you would call it, to put it on the fire. Now, would you eat that squirrel? The first time he had fish and chips. Yeah. Rishi Sunak was prime minister.

You ate it to help out. Yeah, it was eight weeks minister. You able to help us? Yeah, it was eight weeks ago. That's frightening. You scare the food. What was squirrel like? What was it comparison? What meat is it closest to? Very like possum.

You asked for that. I did. Everyone always goes gamey. No, it was fine. Gamey. I don't know what that means. I did. Everyone always goes, gamey. No, it was fine. Gamey. I don't know what that means. Chicken game. Yeah, chicken game.

It's a great film. Very strong flavours, like pigeon. Oh, I'd smash a pigeon. If you read the menu, it was like carbonara, bolognese, squirrel, you would rip that. I'd be like, that'd be a weird Italian restaurant.

We do some traditional, some non-traditional. You're saying you'd have a squirrel wrap? I never have a pineapple on a squirrel. You'd never have a squirrel wrap? I'm telling you right now, you get the squirrel meat out, you take it down the lift, get it on the fucking grill, put some chips on the side, and smash it.

Do you know what squirrel meat is in this point? Yeah, when we were in Bahrain, we got taken out by the guy that was running the gig. He took us to a late night, it was, I think they're loosely calling it a restaurant. It looked like a kebab house, but there was dudes sitting around. And he took us down there and he was like, yeah, if tourists don't come here.

And we walked in and the low, no one was rude, but they were staring at us like, what the fuck are you doing here? We were like downtown Manamar or whatever it's called in Bahrain. And he got meat out and what they do, they have really large flatbreads

and then just pile the meat in the middle, like just unload it in the middle and you pull a bit of meat off, pull a bit of bread off, put the meat in, you make your own little kebabs. And they told us one of the meats was camel meat. And I smashed it.

Now, afterwards, afterwards, they were like, you knobheads, it wasn't really camel meat. But we were like, I don't know. I think it was probably lamb. Have you ever had duck? But I ate it, yeah. Because it's in kebab form. I like that.

So you eat it in kebab form? Right, if you want to do Dan versus kebab food, you'd find that I was into it. You find me a squirrel, you fucking cook it up. It's basically if you can see a face of it or not, is it? No, I just don't. I'm just a bit of an eight-year-old when it comes to taste. Would you have a camel bollock kebab?

No, I think you've found my line there. Yeah, I want the garlic mayo to come from a tub, not the actual jizz of the bowl. I know. I'm not into that. How well do you think you do on I'm a Celeb? Would you be able to eat all that stuff? I'd give it a good go,

but I'd probably throw up a lot. Yeah. I'm competitive. Yeah. So like if I was in I'm a celeb and someone came back and they'd done the challenge and they were like oh one star sorry we're having fucking toenails for tea yeah i'd want them dead they're from the world i would i heard that like i would just yeah that's where i think you'd make the best television

when someone was being shit you're such a shit house like what you wouldn't be able to hide that reaction I wouldn't want to hide it you wouldn't be supportive at all

hungry Adam hungry Adam calling someone a stupid cunt on ITV would be phenomenal just Michaela Strachan just really upset

and you go I'd just be like what are you doing why are you even here you should be catching the food just tell them you want to go if you're not gonna fucking lick a kangaroo's cock or whatever give a fucking hippo a blowy whatever the challenge was just get it done i think forget about you being on the show when When they need to update the look, I think you need to be the man. Just sort, you know, just do what you...

And because I'd be like that with them, by the time they come round to me doing it, I'd be like, I'll show you how to fucking suck a hippo off. Watch. Everyone's having a fucking call on the catapult. Do you know what a dry bummer mama says? Come on. What are we here for?

This is what we play for. Not even in the challenge. Adam Rowe has gone rogue and he's wanking off kangaroos. What the fuck is a hippo doing in Australia? I don't know, but he loves getting noshed off. If you were starving and they went, you can have Christmas nachos

unlimited, but you've got to suck this hippo off. Would you do it? You don't want to see a hippo open their mouth fully. That's what's happening underwater. That's a difficult animal to... You're starving, 10 days in, Christmas nachos,

and they go, don't suck that. Hang on, this is so ridiculous. Is the hippo stood up like, hey, I'm a hippo, or is it lying down like, what?

Is it? Hang on. It's the position of the cock itself. Is it consensual? Am I... The hippo's game. No, you're not.

You're not forcing. I'm not forcing. Whoa, whoa, whoa. No. The hippo's there like that. The hippo gives you the bobble. As we said a long time ago, you can't it's got to be consensual past a certain size of animal. You can't. You can't rape a bison. No, you've got to want it. You can't. The hippo's there like this going

hey, I'm a hippo, you know what I mean? Draw him like one of your French girls, Dan. He's leaning back. Can you Google how big a hippo's dick is and i absolutely know that's in the bookmarks you have already but you are neil delamere dancing with the stars you are big as a hippo and dressed as a hippo all right that'd be fineive man. Two and a half metres. What? Go back up. The average length of a hippo is...

That's just a full hippo. What kind of hippos are you, see? Two and a half metres. Adam. Have you ever been to the zoo, Adam? It's a sexy zoo. Weird, sexy zoo. Look at that.

I'm going to say it's like 12 inches. No, it's got to be more than that. Bigger? Yeah. It is African. Yeah, 12 inches isn't that big. It doesn't... Mature content!

Oh, my God. Oh. Yeah, I'm out. I'm out. There must be a website that says the size of the average hippocampus. It's like it's been wiped from the internet. I know we can't put that picture online, but can you just save that?

I think that should be the thumbnail. It could be my wallpaper. This is why we need Attenborough's number, isn't it? Something's happening here, because it's literally not on the internet. There's an animal penis chart here. I'm on it. So apparently they're similar to a gorilla

in terms of cock size. Oh, well, now I know. An adult gorilla's penis is only two inches long. Oh. There you go. You feel at home there. Very familiar. You'd be shucking yourself off that, wouldn't you?

Let's all do the same joke about my small dick. In answer to your question, yes. No one's got any idea. Shall we have a break? Yeah. You know that half hour chat? That was 56 minutes. Oh, God.

Lids, do us a favour, yeah? You love us, don't you? You love this podcast. That's why you're listening to it. And especially if you watch it on YouTube, helps us immeasurably if you go and leave a comment like

subscribe and turn the bell on it sends us through the roof with the algorithm it costs you absolutely not on a path from half a second

to your life and helps us no end and you can follow us on socials can't you Dan? do it yeah at have a word pod I nearly said my handle then

at have a word pod just give us a follow and comment and don't just like something. Retweet it, share it, put it on your stories. Just be sound. Just nothing to be nice. Be a good egg.

Hello. Part four of whatever. Four. I've got my fiend show, Dan Nightingale and Fiends. I've done the first two of these Dan Nightingale and Fiends shows. They've been really fun. I've got another coming up on April the 18th.

Thursday the 18th. At Pins, there's about 40 tickets left. Mark Nelson and special guest, along with me and Dean Coghlan. Tickets at dannightingale.com Adam, have you got any pluggy plugs? Yeah. I've got some more tour dates coming up.

Cool. Well, guess who's selling well? Cardiff, Blackpool, Huddersfield, Leeds, Durham. Durham's nearly sold out. It's actually a really big theatre as well. It's going to be good there. And there's more. Bridgewater.

There's loads adamrodo.co.uk and the big one is the arena on the 18th of May which is the night before the last Premier League game of the season

and if that show goes well and we fill it and Liverpool win the league the next day then I'll be dead by the Monday so you should come

to that show because it might be the last show I ever do and Neil you've got some shows coming up in the UK yeah I'm doing

Hot Water and I'm in Liverpool I'm doing Frog and Bucket very soon actually when this goes out Leeds and

just maybe about 10 dates around and where do we find your tickets neildellamere.com I also do a podcast called

Why Would You Tell Me That with a friend of mine we do random shit so we talk to people so like we had the guy who invented Bailey's the other day

this guy in the 70s an ad man in England went I wonder what if we just horse whiskey into Irish cream wonder what happens there you become a millionaire

he got 3000 pounds wow Bailey's is sold billions and billions and billions of quids worth or we talk we had Susie Dent on talking about the origin of words we talk we had Susie Dent on talking about the Origin Awards

we talk we talk about just anything that remotely that interests us so people can check that out as well why would you tell me that you're one of the few comics who's done

real countdowns several times because like there's two countdowns isn't it there's the Catsford's countdown and then there's regular countdown but you're regularly in Dictionary Corner with Susie

yeah yeah she's classed like she's just and she looks amazing. I said that. She, like... She's been on television for 30 years.

She makes Paul Rudd look like Len Goodman, I think. She just looks amazing. No one's ever said that. No, I think it might be the first time anybody's ever said that, yeah.

That sentence has never been put together before. She looks like she's 25. And she's playing the game, isn't she? Yeah. Have they got a computer back there? Or is it her?

You know when in Dictionary Corner there's a guest on and they go, we've also got. You're like, Susie's given the fucking answer, aren't you? No, so you're sitting beside Susie in Dictionary Corner and she, if you don't get a word, she will, you know, go, that's there and write down something. And you go, that's what it is. Because everyone's playing the game.

Oh, yeah. They're not just watching. Yeah. Is that how it is manageable for the people that are doing it? Because she's been doing it for fucking ages. But also, the guests on now are just unbelievable. Because they all play each other online.

So I was on it one day, and the guy was a poker player and he got two nine letter words in his first three or four rounds. And when he got to conundrum, he pressed the buzzer, got to conundrum, then looked back at the clock to see how long it took him.

Like that's how confident he was. And like he was like, he was like a player. Is this like Premier League football? Like any champion now would smash a champion from the 90s. I think so. I think they'd absolutely smash it. Yeah, because back then,

there wasn't any online way to prove you were good at it. It was just people applying and going, I can do countdown. And they're like, I've got a three, a two. And there was less words. What? There was less words back then. How many more words are there?

There's words out of the dictionary every single year That's a very good point There are literally more words to choose from Right I've got a nine, bumber clark I'm not having that Surely there's not that many new words But there are some new words

He's right It took you a second though If you'd have got that quick I'd have taken the slam What did you say? but there are some new words he's right that's a ten letter word so now when when they go took you a second though if you'd have got that quicker I'd have taken the slam what did you say it's a ten letter word

he just literally he just counted the letters and then when Lee Mack got steadings do you remember that Lee Mack gets a nine letter word and no one believes him because he's like

everyone's got a nine letter word and they're like oh yeah whatever and he goes I have steadings and it is and everyone's like, everyone nan that's a word and they're like, oh yeah, whatever. And he goes, I have steadings and it is and everyone's like, what the fuck?

So he then goes, wow, that is the pinnacle for me. If I go on there and get a nan letter I'll just kill myself. Cool. I know.

Good happiness. Good chat. Good chat. Talking about killing yourself. Finn. Yeah? What? Your initiation has begun. You must killing yourself. Finn. Yeah? What? Your initiation has begun.

You must bleed yourself in front of us. Commence. Finn, have we got any celeb encounters? We've got some celeb encounters. People have been sending in their celeb encounters. Yeah. First, Neil, do you have any weird kind of celebrity encounters over the years? Do you know Tim McGarryry host of a tv show in

northern ireland the blame game yeah yeah yeah so myself and mcgarry went to the champions league final which one and we've been to so many you see in paris yeah and uh you're lost anytime yeah that is a very good point i would refer you to the last time Everton were in a Champions League final, though. We probably would have lost anyway, so it wouldn't have mattered. Well, this is true. We got tear gassed, though. So they tear gassed the people in front of us, and it was coming towards us. And the French cops, boom, and fired it into the crowd.

But they forgot that Tim McGarry was raised in North Belfast in the 70s and essentially laughed in their face. He was just like, mm-hmm. And I'm like, this is horrendous. And he's like, is that kind of, what, Sandalwood or something? But the guy who was standing in front of us was, like right in front of us when this happened, was, you know, isn't him Fisher Stevens?

Do you know the guy from Succession and directed the, was in Johnny Five? Have a look. You know, Short Circus? Oh, yeah. And is in Succession

as the PR guy and directs David Beckham's. Oh, my God. He's the psychologist in Friends? Yes. There you go. You just got it. He was standing in front of us in a pork pie hat

and a half and half scarf as the tear gas moved towards her. I've just lost all respect for him. Half and half scarf. Yeah. Deserved it. He was in Friends. Oh, he's a cunt. I knew the half and half scarf would do for you.

I knew it. He's great in Friends. Yeah, yeah. What a great little cameo here. Define me. Define me! Define me! Wasn't he in Antarctica or something? Wasn't he some sort of research scientist in Friends?

No, he was a psychologist. Oh, no, that's David. He dated Phoebe. That's David. That's David. Was that Paul Rudd? That is Hank Azaria. Oh, yeah.

Oh, very sorry. But he sort of psychoanalysed the whole group. Ah. And they all ended up hating him because they're like, fucking pack it in. Like, you can see it too much into our lives could you date a psychiatrist or i don't reckon i could because i reckon as soon as you say something they go adam's therapist

already wants to fuck him so it's like one step away from a lovely woman who can see all my talents wow you got that in a tea towel. She sees me for who I am. Can you imagine saying something? They're like, ah, of course. How long have you been seeing this particular one? About a year on and off. We've had a couple of breaks, you know.

Things don't always go well. Oh, yeah, yes. A therapist. That's nice. She loves him. But we are assuming, I assume only getting his version of events oh absolutely okay this is adam's version of events every time it goes in by the end of it she's like unbelievable you've changed everything for me do you know when you've got one mate when anastag anastag do goes, I think that lap dancer likes me.

Is that? No. I'm not doing that. I'm not trying to present that this, like this woman is just a brilliant psychologist. She said I could go pro

as a patient. What? She said I could go pro as a patient. We've made a breakthrough today, Adam, that you are as clever as you've always thought you were. Yeah.

And now I think you're clever. In fact, here's the money for this session. Is it okay if I tell other people about you? She's just very good at getting things out of me. Yesterday was a very rough session. You know, very tough. Was it? Yeah.

Tough mudder. It was rough yesterday. It was difficult. I had a difficult night afterwards and I've had a difficult day, but I've held it together. You've been brilliant today. God, you're such a fucking trooper.

You mean you're suffering and you still pulled out chicken eggs? Gold. That is... He can, even when he's in the emotional depths, still call me a cunt. And that's so, that is the strength of this podcast.

Yeah, it is. People want consistency. Yeah, they really do. And as long as you keep being a cunt. If you've bumped into a weird celebrity or been tear gassed in front of someone famous, have a word pod at gmail.com. I thought you were going to say

there is a number that you can ring. It's a very specific number. This first one's from Carl. I saw Momo Sissoko in the pizza place on Smithdown Road, Liverpool, a few hours after a game. It was when we used to get the scores off Teletext and I'd missed the game,

so I found out the score from him. Next one, Josh. Yeah, but is that... If you were a professional athlete... Stop saying it like that. Professional athlete. Try again. Athlete.

A-T-H-lete. Athlete. How do you say picnic? Picnic. Picnic. What? Picnic. Unless you. What? Picnic. Unless you're Yogi Bear.

It's a picnic basket. Say cinema, for Neil. Cinema. Yeah. What was... No. Say cinema. Cinema.

Yeah. He goes cinema, does he? Cinema. Whether you're at a bath in the cinema. Your ma's... Your ma's cinema. So cinnamon. Have a word, Paul got ali sissoko kicked out of a club oh shit i forgot what i was saying q once momo sissoko no ali sissoko oh french defender ali sissoko i was queuing up no relation it was empire and uh he was in the queue

behind me and i was like what the fuck are you queuing for what do you mean i was like they got the bouncers gonna know who you are they're gonna want you in there get a footballer blah blah blah and he went okay walk to the front and i kind of come in he's like yeah you haven't queued up he went no no i play for play for liberal i couldn't give a fuck mate get to the back i was like what i'm sorry It was fine, though. But pizza after a football match, that's what you do, isn't it? I think that, isn't that what all athletes do? Yeah, it's carbs.

Just smash what they're not allowed beforehand. That makes sense, doesn't it? They all have pizza and pasta before games. Yeah. That's the Arsene Wenger way, isn't it? All the Liverpool, after the derby, they're in nabsies. We'll do one more and then we'll do some...

Go, go, lad! It's like a wedding. What side are you on? Blue. We'll do one more and then we'll do some... Go, go, lad! It's like a wedding. What side are you on? Blue. We'll do one more and then we'll do some man play. This one's from Adam Starkey. Celebrity encounter for the pod. I bumped into Dan Nightingale in Albert Schloss, Liverpool in December. He was out with Ishan. I nipped for a piss.

I came back and my pint of German lager had disappeared. You lying little prick. So on form. Oh, here we fucking go. Any more stories of this man's mind sweeping, get them in to the Patreon or have a word pod at gmail.com. I was in Albert Schloss in December, though.

We know you were. There's fucking evidence here. So you steal people's booze, do you? Yeah, I do. Yeah, I love it. And I like snakes. And I always go for picnics with Ather Elite.

In the cinema. In the cinema. Dan is a mind sweeper. He's bad for it. And he just, recently I brought it up. I wasn't even having a go at him, Neil. I was just saying, you know, you're like a little mind sweeper. And he got really angry for it. And he just, recently I brought it up. I wasn't even having a go at him, Neil. I was just saying, you know,

you like a little mind sweeper. And he got really angry about it. And since then, people keep writing in with their own stories of when Dan has mind swept them. Okay. And this is just, that's probably piece of evidence number one. 1922, something like that.

1922. That's when I started. I was already 40. Stupid prick. Is it the thrill of it? Is it like... Yeah, it is. You know when Winona Ryder did all the shoplifting?

Is it that one? I do it with Winona Ryder. Do you? If ever I'm out on the piss with... She's mad for it as well. I've heard that about her. I'm on the piss with Winona. Yeah.

And Anthony Waddle Thompson. Wasn't he stealing cheese? He was stealing cheese. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We honestly... and Anthony Waddle Thompson wasn't he stealing cheese he was stealing cheese yeah yeah yeah we honestly he was leading the way there

what a weird little gang yeah I'm walking to Albert Stott that night and I'm like what did Waddle Thompson and Winona have had it's like a mental start

to a joke what it sounds like a mental start to a joke did they get you into it or did you get them into it? We met online. Yeah.

It's a support group or something. Minesweepers group. He's just admitting it now. Yeah, I love it. There's nothing as good as illicit suds, is there? I love date raping myself.

That's the best. When you accidentally drink something that's been fucking tampered with. That night he goes to sleep. It's what he wanted. Right, we're going to do some man play. I'm 100% setting up an email address

and email it to him. When he was in Dublin. Oh my God. You will be one. We've been looking for a new feature. I think we've got it. Shoot me in the cunting face. So Neil, man play essentially is...

Chickens come home to roost. Chicken chickens come home to roost. Chicken, chicken, chicken. Come home to roost. Nasty bitch. Child, upset me, nasty bitch. Chicken, chicken, come on. What type of chicken? Don't count all your chicken eggs at once, please.

So man play- I don't count them, I'm just stealing them. Yeah. I'm just stealing. yeah I'm just stealing was that your punnet is it a punnet of eggs can I go strawberries

box man play is essentially when the things men or women do on their own that is a bit weird

so an example of this is running up the stairs on all fours people like me people like me saying a cup of tea blind to see if they could do it.

You must have little things you do as a man when you're on your own, when you're just entertaining yourself. Foibles. Yeah. I can't think of any right now. That's fine. We've got some examples that people have written in.

I have a friend who steals alcohol. I mean, I say friend loosely after this conversation. I think of a mortal enemy that steals alcohol. You could mess with Winona. So this first one's from George. Whenever I go clothes shopping with my girlfriend, if she turns away for more than three seconds, I'll scurry off behind clothes racks

and hide for as long as I can. Yeah, hiding in shops is a good one. When I'm throwing bottles out at a bottle bank, I wait until there's nobody else there and I put my arm in all the way up to the shoulder and pretend I'm a vet. That's the perfect... That is Man Play, the epitome of it.

Old creatures, great and small. That's such a good one. This one's from Emily. Woman Play. Woman play. Woman play. When the shower screen steams up, I'll push my boobs up against it to create two circles

and then draw smiley faces and other patterns with the booby prints. That's sexy. It sounds like a boy has written in, like a 12-year-old lad has written in pretending to be a woman. What I would do if I was a lady, I would do booby paintings.

And when we're in the changing rooms, we just lick each other's pom-poms. And Coca-Cola comes out of my nipples. This is from Jack. Wag-wag lids. A little man play I do is when I'm walking anywhere, I'll walk like I'm in a Grand Prix, trying to hit the apex of the turns.

A Grand Prix? A Grand Prix? Trying to hit the apex of the turns in the pavement and basically trying to shave seconds off the walk as much as possible. I am a bastion of efficiency. I do all sorts of stuff like this. There's a lot of phrases that can be used to describe you.

A bastion of efficiency is none of those. When it comes to admin, I am a bastion of efficiency. Did your therapist tell you you were a bastion of efficiency? Yes. She calls me little bastion. She your therapist tell you you were basting she calls me little bastion she calls me sebastian right last one this is from katie when i walk my dog i empty a packet of starburst into my pocket before i go then when i'm out i dig into my pocket and try and guess which color sweet

i'll pull out next in my head I pretend I'm on a game show. And if I get the sweet colour right, I win £1,000. Then I have to decide whether I want to stick or gamble. So guess again on the next sweet and double my money or risk losing it all. I think it's quite bad that she's only left it as low as £1,000. Like, if you're having a fantasy world, then you've got to sort of, you know, why has she made BBC One? Like, go ITV where there's fucking corporate money, sponsorships. Every sweet's worth, you know, why has she made BBC One? Like, go ITV, where there's fucking corporate money,

sponsorships. Every sweet twist, you know, two bill. Also, why would you have a stick? Two bill. TV doing good. Have you ever seen

any television show where it's two billion quid for a billion pound drop? Well, maybe this is the one. Cost of living for you. The cost of living crisis, like, was, or like the sort of,

the lack of money in TV is probably, was never exemplified more than when the million pound drop became the hundred thousand pound drop. Did it? Yeah. But it was still called the million pound drop? No. No, it was called the hundred K drop. Oh shit. Yeah. I didn't know that.

And no one ever won it anyway. Yeah, it's hard, isn't it? Yeah. Hard, that one. What's this one? Million pound drop. Davina McCall. Oh lad, it's hard, isn't it? Yeah. Hard, that one. What's this one? Million Pound. Channel 4. Davina McCall. Oh, lad, it was great. I went to watch it being filmed.

It was like gambling. Of course you did. Lou Connery was the warm-up. You went to watch? 100K Drop. Yeah, it was in Media City. That was all I could do with my time when I was a skid student. You know Finn's a big quiz show fan?

Quiz show and comedy. So is Neil, though. Neil, you're a big quiz show fan, aren't you? Yeah, yeah. And you've been on The Chase and stuff. Been on The Chase, been on Mastermind. What did you get on your cash builder? Nine.

Wow. You're also humbling yourself because you won Celebrity Mastermind. I did Celebrity Mastermind and they rang me and said, what do you want to do? And I really wanted to do it. And I went, I'd like to do a special subject the life of

Reg Hu O'Donnell the Gaelic chieftain between 15 something and they went who? you can't do that and I was so desperate to be honest

I went the Vikings all of them forever and they went yeah and I hung up the phone like a fucking idiot

that's four continents 300 years or something like this and then I went up hang on you got an interest in Viking you don't just

you didn't just I did a documentary in the months and I kind of thought yeah it was interesting and then I did it and I was up against the winner of The Apprentice

who did The Wolf of Wall Street the film what? the film you watched it for two and a half hours and that's

so you just re-watch it re-watch it re-watch it you're an expert and you're doing 300 years of Viking history. Because I'm an idiot. And did you beat her?

Yes. She's the idiot, mate. Get the stuff. I'm into my Vikings a bit. That's amazing. I love it. Did you ever see the one that's filmed in Wicklow? It's brilliant.

So there's one called The Vikings and Vikings Valhalla. Yeah. If you live in Dublin, it's brilliant because all the main characters, like, you know, they all make an effort with their, the accents,

oh, I will, I will, like, they'll say it to the, but all the messengers and all the bit parts are people from Dublin and they haven't tried

with the accents at all. So the main people will go, you messenger, go into the town and tell the Earl I will fight him in single combat

and then the lads are like oh yeah I'll pop in they want that and Tesco will him in they're all like if you know the action it's really fucking bizarre I love it

if I watch all that stuff what's the comedy one on Netflix it's fucking brilliant there's like a piss take one is that the one that's done in two languages they did it in English

and they also did it in Norwegian there was two oh really i think so yeah oh it's so awesome oh it's fucking great i didn't know you were into the vikings yeah i do like a bit of vikings i think uh people who love bevies and stealing interesting oh yeah you know it's pillaging thanks for holding back on the other one yeah you, you're always pillaging. You know, you're not too bad. You don't do the first. 2024, Dan. Put your longship away, lad. Because I'm descended from Vikings.

Almost definitely. Like Anglo-Saxon, pale skin, blue eyes. My whole family's near a river. They'd have sailed up there. Is Newton the profile? Yeah, yeah, yeah. My whole family lives near the river. They'd have sailed up there. Is this a new tender profile? Yeah, yeah, yeah. My whole family lives near the river. Wow, what a catch.

They'd have done R&P back in the day. What a catch. Blue eyes, near the river. Whoa, whoa. My ancestors got their head bummed in. That's what I'm saying. I reckon. What Viking, you know,

what have you kept from the Vikings then? What? Yeah. Well, this is the bit I did on stage, and I probably wasn't first wave Viking. I was more like third wave accounts and stock checking. i'm descending from the viking who's like have you signed for that shield i've got a job to do with a big lad like i understand that at five foot eight i'll probably yeah but i still think i've got a bit of viking heritage i like it I like the idea of it. And that's the end of the podcast.

I like Viking. Everyone just absolutely goes, lads, what the fuck are you on about? Neil, it's been an absolute fucking pleasure having you on, my friend. Absolute pleasure to be here as well, gents. And go and see Neil. He's, as Adam said, a behemoth, a fucking brilliant comic

who does naught but smash. Go and see him on tour. And yeah. When's the art special out? Because it's going to be... The art special is out on the... The 12th. It's out on the 12th of April

at patreon.com slash haveawarepod. We are about to hit 26,000 patrons and every month we put out a special. Some of the best work we've done. Every week it's the patron exclusive. We told you about that. We've been on a great run of form. But I think this art special is one that, weirdly,

I think it's going to go down as a bit legendary. It was... One of the best things we've ever done. Yeah. So that comes out the 12th. And remember, if you're a £10 patron on the 22nd of April, you will get two brand-new posters, one of which is signed, one of which isn't.

I'll sign everything. One of them will be signed by me. No, you won't. You're not allowed. Some of them will be signed. Neil, it's been a pleasure. We've got a song. Oh, here we go. So this one actually took some detective work

because I got an email from Dan after the art special. Oh, I met the guy from Casino. Yeah, but you didn't say that, did you? It said no subject and it said, play one of these tracks. That was the email. You love these. Yeah, I've been mind sweeping all night. I was pretty drunk.

In all seriousness, I had bought a wallet. I had to do some detective work and figure out who it was. And it's Casino who are great I've seen them live and this is their tune Fever this is Casino

on it's called Fever they are dangerous I feel a demon Feeling brave I'm getting twisted in a funky way Now watch me weaving Through the crowd Faces melting into happy pounds

I feel a fever I feel a fever Pumping through my veins Running through my brain Yeah The promised land but unholy sights Shooting pains are just the pulse of life I call to worship on higher planes

Sweat dripping down like acid rain I feel a fever I feel a fever. I feel a fever. Whomping through my brain. Running through my brain. The place, of course, is livable. In my mind, the strangest of all cities of the North.

Not the nicest. The nice is hardly a word one can apply to a book, but it's hard drinking, hard living, hard fighting, violent, friendly, and fiercely alive. Fever coming up in the morning. Fever coming down every day. Feel my temperature is rising. I don't have to say I feel a fever

A fever I feel a fever I feel a fever I feel a fever I feel a fever I feel a fever I feel a fever I feel a fever

I feel a fever I feel a fever I feel a fever I feel a fever I'm running to my brain. I'm running to my brain. I'm running to my brain. I'm running to my brain. Thank you. Bye.