Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #272 with Simon Wozniak - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: April 14, 2024

Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan Nightingale & Fiends Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.ukComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsCheck out Finn's music: https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20Füm | https://tryfum.co.ukHead to tryfum.com/HAVEAWORD and use code HAVEAWORD to save an additional 10% off your order today.NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Become one of the lids:https://patreon.com/haveawordpodTickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world.Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening lads, just before we kick this week's episode off, just to remind you, my tour runs all the way through until the end of May and I've still got some really big shows coming up including Cardiff, Blackpool, Leeds, Huddersfield, York and of course Liverpool at the M&S Bank Arena. They're not the only dates though, go and check them all out, full listings at adamrowe.co.uk forward slash tour and help bring home the biggest tour I've ever done. It's been an absolute dream and I'm so excited for the rest of the schedule

Dan? If you want to see me live this year dannightingale.com I'm doing Dan Nightingale and Fiend shows all around the country they go from March

right through to November some of my very funny mates and me on stage you're going to enjoy it it's going to be mayhem dannightingale.com for those but we've got to tell you

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Cushion on. Get on me. You know what I mean? Wag wag leads. You're listening to the funniest podcast in the game. From the heart of Liverpool. With Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only Have A Word.

Brought to you by Manscaped. The very best products on the market for below the waist grooming. Go, Ed. Get on me. Podcasters, unite. Have you been a cold plunging still? Now, funny you should say that. I've gone the longest without doing it because I bought a chill unit that filters the water, reduces the temperature.

I have upgraded. Right. So I'm now, but I'm so non-technical and I had the kids at the weekend, so I couldn't do it. I should have done it yesterday, but I was writing new material because I had a new material gig last night back in the game. So I've been putting it to the side and I've missed it. So I've gone four days without a cold plunge and i do miss it but when i link this all up i will have a pretty fucking nice cold plunge

like a pro ice bath recovery that is linked up to a chiller that will keep it at like one one degree celsius which is going to be great in the summer uh but i need to fix it and i'm a spanner when it comes to this sort of thing so i'm worried i'm going to break it yeah but i have missed it yeah have you started no oh but i am about to uh carl's bought a bike and then it's i've sort of realized that like it's not that long until we go to india so i'm gonna have to start training and i think it's time to get shredded get in the shape of my life you know, right I haven't ran for two weeks because of my chest infection

and I'm going to go to the gym tomorrow morning back in the day well you said you'd finish, do the marathon I know you didn't finish but that is done now you said you'd get on a bike so are you now linking that up with like ice bath recovery I was just wondering because

i you you were coming in when you were doing your ice baths and you were like hey and then when you started then you were doing like a fake version of that and i just i i knew you'd stopped oh yeah you're emotional am i you haven't got as much as you never stick to your word on stuff have i lost my zip you're a bit of a bitch doesn't does, does he? No. The thing is, if there were other people's ice plunges around, I'd be in them. But it loses all appeal when it's mine. Yeah, I think I also am going to sign up for the Berlin Marathon at the end of September,

so I need to be running hand-biking. It's what we all need. It's what we want. It's what we want. Hmm. I don't know if it's going we want. It's what we want. Hmm. I don't know if it's... I don't know if it's just going to shred. I think it's going to do your mental health a lot of good.

And I think for inflammation, I can testify that it's good. Very positive. There is no more efficient way to strip fat off your body than getting into cold water. Right. But we are going into the summer. So how are you going to keep it cold?

Because I know how I'm keeping it cold. The Mayo Master Mayo Chill. Put it in the water. Right. But we are going into the summer. So how are you going to keep it cold? Because I know how I'm keeping it cold. The Mayo Master, Mayo Chill. Put it in the fridge. Ice. Put it in the what? Put the water in the fridge. Put the water in the fridge.

That's clever. I said the special needs kid. No, like six or seven bottles. Pour it in. Blast. You're done. Off you go. Right.

And then every day you empty it into the bottles again. Back in the fridge. Do you know what I do? I turn the fridge on its side, fill that up with water. You're going to do better. Apparently, that's basically

the fucking East European version of ice plunge. You just get a chest freezer, put the water in, plug it in, and then unplug it before you get in. You don't want to get into a plugged-in ice plunge. Apparently, it works great. So, listen, I'm looking forward to hearing about your journey couldn't you just put like six bags of ice in there for like an hour yeah right yeah you yeah

you could that will cool it down but it's not it's a it's a 120 liters of water that'll do so much and also that's a fucking total ball lake in it getting up at whatever time you get up, then putting loads of ice in. It's just faff. Where are you keeping the ice? You're going to do an ice run every time. It's just a ball lake. How much was your chiller? The best day ever was that,

when it was minus two overnight. Why don't you just get in it when it's a bit warm? Like, in the summer, just leave it. Let it get a little bit warm. Get a nap. Be nice to it anyway. Bit of Legionnaires, bit of algae. You know, you're there with a tad pulse.

It's not going to be as good, is it? So when you get in it and it's like 0.5 degrees Celsius, you feel your balls disappear. You feel the pain. It's weirdly enjoyable after a while. And then as you get out, your skin sort of burns a bit and you feel elated. When it's 9, 10 degrees, when it's 9, 10 degrees,

you go, oh, yeah, that's cool. And you don't get the same kick. Yeah. It's like a, you know. I was joking by the way. I was just getting a cold bath. I don't joke about cold plunge, bro. What?

Just run the cold tap and get in the bath. Yeah, you could do that. It's not, it's not, it's fun for the podcast. I just noticed Adam, if you're doing Berlin Marathon, yeah. If you make the short trip to Munich, it's also Oktoberfest while it's...

So you can train for the marathon. Train for both. Yeah. Same time. I'm running a marathon and I'm doing Oktoberfest. In a warm bath. Why don't we all go and do Oktoberfest? It's a special...

I'm doing warm plunges. I was counting down three. Why don't we do October 1st in Florida there you go that's the one isn't it in September

yeah that's the best one no that's in October oh is it yeah yeah yeah I feel like I owe myself a marathon basically and on top of that

we do need to train for India no you owe us a marathon never mind you we've had to fucking listen to you bang on about marathons I want a marathon. Never mind you. We've had to fucking listen to you bang on about marathons. I want a marathon. We all want a marathon.

I've barely mentioned it. 200,000 people want a marathon or to never hear the word marathon ever again. Marathon, marathon, marathon. Snickers. Manamar. The capital of Bahrain. Manamar. Marathon. So listen, do it.

I think you should maybe do the Bangkok marathon. I've put 1.8 kilograms back on. Oh shit. You European fatty. My lowest I got to was 87 kilograms. I weighed myself this morning, 88.8. So that needs to stop, doesn't it?

That's the wrong direction. You're on the fucking slide there. That's like 4.1 pounds there. Fuck that, mate. Wait till you're doing warm bath plunges. That'll really help. You're shredded. No, maybe a bit warmer. Put like a bath bomb in it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Get it nice, you know? Wash your balls. A little chanduk. Yeah, that'd be lovely. Are you doing cold plunging, lad? No, I'm doing baths. We used to go to Chandler Duck, yeah?

Yeah. I've still got my Nashville duck. I misheard that. I thought you said chanduk and I thought it was some sort of Chinese duck. You did say chand Chandler duck, yeah? Yeah. I've still got my Nashville duck. I misheard that. I thought you said Chan duck and I thought it was some sort of Chinese duck. He did say Chan duck. Oh, I've missed that.

So I've got a rubber duck for the bath that is, it's Chanler's head on a rubber duck. So it's me Chan duck. This is Chan duck. Okay.

That's where the Bangkok Marathon starts. I thought it was Asian. Where's the shop again? Where did we go? Where's that shop? Amsterdam. Oh yeah.

Ducks, ducks, ducks. Yeah. In the duck district. The duck. That's a big thing, isn't it? Yeah. The rubber ducks. Yeah.

I've still got my Nashville one that we all won. Yeah. Oh, in the tavern. Can't wait to be back there, you know. We go to New York like tomorrow, by the way. Yeah, I know. We go to New York, like, tomorrow, by the way. Yeah, no, I'll keep forgetting. When do you actually go?

Three weeks. Because that's not... The 2nd of May. Three weeks. Three weeks, what up? Oh, you're missing my next gig again. What? Oh, no.

Should we leave? Should we see if we can get a refund? You should. Oh, no, it's not refundable. It was refundable. That stopped yesterday. Yeah. Oh.

Ask Schultz if he'll move Madison Square Garden. Ah, yeah. He will. We got him. When is it? What date is it? When's your gig and where is it? The 5th. Where?

I'm not actually sure yet. Sound City, which is a festival. I've not, it's not been announced yet. Oh, I did the Comedy Tent at Sound City a few years ago. Absolute dog shit. You'll have fun though. Yeah. No one goes.

There's some decent access shit. Is there? The Cribs were on when I was on. I mean, they're great. That's good. There's some decent acts this year. Is there? The Cribs were on when I was on. I mean they're great. That's good. Jamie's doing with the Raytons and Red Rum

in the park. Not by ours. Sefton Park. I live in Eichmann but it's the park. Sefton Park. Who's the headline as a sound city?

It is the Snuts. I'm not going to New York. Cancel it. The Snuts and Finn. I'm pretty going to New York. Cancel it. The Snuts and Finn. I'm pretty sure they've just had a number one album, guys. Yeah, in Iceland. Yeah, in Iceland. Oh, my God.

Are they Scouse? No, Scottish. The Snuts. The Snuts. Are the Snooze playing? The Snooze, yeah. Brooke Combs on. Great.

Who? Brooke Combs. Brooke Combs, Luke's sister. Oh, brilliant. She's the girl who sings with Jimmy. Is Tommy Welps playing? What about Jimmy Nibbles? Jimmy Nibbles is on. Nice. Headlining? No. Second. It's not quite.

Who else have we got on the line-up? I can't actually remember. You remember the Snuts, but you don't. I've not been announced yet, so I don't know if it's the final. Maybe you're the secret guest. You'll never list them. That's how secret it is. I've not been announced yet, so I don't know if it's the final. Maybe you're the secret guest. You'll never list him. That's how secret he is. He's not on.

Very special guest, Finley K. Katie Baser. I don't know Katie Baser. Katie Baser. Yeah. Whoa. Who else?

Casino, who we played last week. Oh, we like Casino. Yeah. There's a lot of bands that we've played, to be fair. That's class. Well done, Finn. Adam, you'll never guess. I won't, no. You can casino. Yeah. There's a lot of bands that we've played, to be fair. That's class. Well done, Finn.

Adam, you'll never guess. I won't, no. We can't go. We cannot go. Cancel your plans because who's playing? Spider. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Spider-Man.

No, just, there's eight of them. Great. Nice. Is that it? There's only Spider? There's loads of names there but they've money like cunts anyone off even though the content's parted off um what uh what holidays have you got planned going to tenerife with uh big loss oh she got a fucking spray tan last week

papa like that papa like that your wife yes mate why did you like that Papa like that your wife. Yes, maybe it's based on why'd you like that? Because when she was like, oh, could you can see the really the tan lines? May she look like a Brazilian, you know the Brazilian tan line bubs. Oh, I was into that job sex Oh, she went to York the weekend Well, she's gonna spray tan then left the house. Yeah went and hung out with the sister Oh, she got bladdered again and so? She went out

and got bladdered till 8pm. Slag. I think spray tans like smell weird. They smell like broken biscuits. Yeah.

Oh, 100%. Yeah, they smell weird. Yeah. Women love them but I don't know why they like them so much.

I don't get it. I don't like them at all. I think they smell like karma. But I like, you know, it's the pudding curry. Imagine having a biscuit korma. The pudding curry? Not yoghurt? No, chicken korma's the pudding curry, isn't it?

Can I have a pudding curry, please? It's like sweeties. It's all berries, coconutty, isn't it? It's all sugary and coconutty. Pudding curry. Don't say it in that accent. I'm surprised you've eaten a korma. Oh, shut up, mate.

You've never been to an Indian with me you haven't had you haven't had you haven't had you haven't had you haven't had you haven't had you haven't had

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you haven't had you haven't had you haven't had you haven't had you haven't had you haven't had you haven't had you haven't had

you haven't had you haven't had you haven't had you haven't had you haven't had she got a spray tan and it was a tester for tenerife yeah right so when we went to costa a tester it's cost because it's what girls do in it i'm gonna try one now if it works i'll get one for holiday spray tans are going all day yeah that's stupid isn't it it's one of the most yeah insane things but she's genetically very scottish and doesn't tan just can't bet can't go on the beds she she used to go on the beds but now she's got a bit of health anxiety,

so she can't do that. And when we've been abroad, she just goes a little bit pinker, and then there's more freckles. She doesn't, she's not going to go away to Tenerife and look tanned, or come back looking tanned.

So she did the spray tan, made her bunda look, I loved it. So good. I just think it's very sexy. It is just very low level. When she flashed me a biff, I was like, hey, look at that. Did she? good. I just think it's very sexy. When did you see it? It is just very low level. When she flashed me a biff. She was like,

hey, look at that. Did she, yeah? Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Big head pussy, look, pink hair. That's an imitation. White.

Hang on, she flashed you a biff and then went to York. Isn't it? Am I having a hard marriage here? That's our last date. It's like fucking hard work, isn't it? She's like,

hey, what do I look like in this? Great. See ya. I'll have the kids for the weekend isn't spray tanning just very low level blacking up though isn't it problematic i think that's why she likes it yeah but i talked about how racist my wife is it is i don't look like this i'm gonna look like a different race yeah there's some celebrities that have taken it too far in the past ariana grande was the worst offender she was a different she was literally it was bad yeah i thought ariana grande was mixed race she's very very she is so white it's insane

are you kidding me my girl's just like been having spray times that wasn't real oh she has got latino descent but latina latina descent lady but um no she's got latino disdain she hates latinos he's getting confused hang on she's only got lit she can have latino disdain she hates latinos he's getting confused hang on she's only got latino she can have latino descent as a lady though can't she isn't it you know she's a she's a lady so it's latina all right latino is male but for her to have descent she's got to have some male depends on how naughty she's been all right so she's just been spray tanning to be more she's got she's edged it a bit back a little bit. She's gone a bit Asian-y now.

Yeah. Interesting. Yeah, my wife's gone a bit Asian-y. But it is blacking up, innit? I think Laura's been very problematic there. She really is. She really is. When she gets a biff out,

and I have to think, God, that's cultural appropriation, I'm just... It's such a shame, innit? That's what I thought the other day. John Gale's getting all the face done and then put makeup on. They're like, I'm ugly,

so I'm going to change your face and then paint it. If are ugly we're just fucking ugly aren't we beard beard no i know but like still they're like i'm going to paint my face and want to get a new nose shape that difference but like that's just my head we can do that though we're allowed to it's just like everyone will call us gay so we don't yeah have you ever had makeup done even a doctor have you ever had makeup done for a tv thing? Have you ever had makeup done for a TV thing? Yeah. Do you have makeup done for the TV thing? You're in the mirror going,

oh, nice one. I look gayer, but well better. I don't think I look gay with makeup on. I think I look class. Really? Even the eyelashes? Yeah. I never get my eyelashes done

because I've got like two things women always compliment me on when they get up close and personal. Massive dick. Well, yeah, obviously. That goes without saying. Your sensual love love making technique my eyelashes and my nose you have a little cute nose yeah oh there's that fucking comment in tiktok fuck off if carl gets any further up adam's eyes he'll be able to brush his teeth because i said taking the piss he's a marathon runner. That's it.

I wonder why people watch our content when clearly they really don't like one of us. We're not going anywhere. This is it. If you're like, fucking hell, this guy's doing my head in. This is the team. This formation, it's going to feel very familiar. If you're like, that damn cunt's boring. I'm not going anywhere.

Just get on with it. leave just leave then we don't want you here loads of people like all of us is that all right i've got an asian wife all of a sudden i also don't mind that they all as long as they're watching it doesn't matter they can hate you and still like all of us they still watch and then one of them can hate me and like all of you we can collect all they don't need to fuck off just let them have

their little burning ball of hate in their Mars box room and in the undies they haven't took off for a week and let them hate us what they're doing

is they're taking their skinny little undies out on one of us let them have it it's fine but the point is I've got a cute nose you'd have a better time

if you just liked all of us cheers for the view cheers for the algorithm nice one for the comments anyway listen we got money from that cheers

we're back to button moon it's a beautiful little nose look at my eyelashes oh your eye it's very hard to look at that just look at the camera

nope I can't it's so hard to concentrate on the eyelash when the eye's going fuck it now lads I'm working here oh you're so beautiful look at the camera. It's so hard to concentrate on the eyelash when the eye's going, fuck it now, lads, I'm working here. Oh, you're so beautiful. Look at him.

That was cultural appropriation there. Dan, what's your favourite bit about you? By the way, they're not my favourite bits. What's your favourite bit about you? Me raw sexual magnitude. Magnitude. Not even magnetism. It's the size of it.

My favourite bit is my raw sexual magnum that I've been keeping up my arse. I don't know how I've stopped it melting. Cold plunging. You meant a gun? Keep that cold on. I have got, and it's been commented on before,

a phenomenal perineum. Yeah, women love it. A very manly gooch. Soft to touch, but also... That's not manly. No, but also... Peter not manly like no but like Peter Manly the dart player

yeah Peter Manly Peter Manly when he was licking my Gooch was like this is a phenomenal Gooch is just like Peter Manly in my head I was like

what a woman that would be who's seen his and gone what the hell oh no it was Peter Manly it was actually Peter Manly down there yeah

I've got to stop my arse I've got to stop getting licked out by darts players what's your best feature erm what

it's not my forehead I tell you that that cunt never stops growing your forehead five head goes quite far back hasn't it

it's in double digits yeah erm fourteen head that started when I was about seven years old. I love it. Have you got a hairy back? Well, not anymore,

because I'm getting it laser therapy, don't I? If I went all the way that way, it's the first bit of hair. His arse. Oh, right, okay. So you've got hair here, and you don't cut that off? Yeah, here. Did you know? Did you know? I do zero it. oh right okay so you've got hair here and you don't cut that off yeah here

yeah did you know I do I do I do zero it men never lose that men only ever lose hair

off the top of the head they never lose it around the back apparently it's a different thing so it's alopecia if it's gone from the back yeah you'll never lose it

for male pattern baldness also Dan you have a a meeting with a hair clinic set up you'll be getting a new barn at me well check my Instagram at Dan has a podcast also Dan you have a a meeting with a hair clinic set up you're going to be getting a new barn at me

well check my Instagram at Dan has a podcast because I put some really nice mock-ups up yesterday I just want to go back to this do you you shave this bit though don't you oh wow

have you never known that wow you'll never lose it there's not anything about me no I just he's never listened I thought that was all. You'll never lose it. There's not anything about me. No, I just... He's never listened. I thought that was all, like, bicked off. Well, it is.

It does get shaved sometimes. And then, you know, I try and do it on the regs, but it's boring, isn't it? So when that is shaved, where's your next bit of hair? Top of the back of my neck. Right, okay. But that's on the go now, because I go and see Abby at Luna Laser

and she fucking... And when that goes, is it down by your arse? Not really a very hairy arse. Also, sometimes... Hairy balls? Yeah, a little bit. Yeah, I've got a bit

of a hairy arse. So there's going to be a point in the next sort of year when your back's all lasered and done and you've got a fresh trim where your forehead stops at your balls. Nice, that's what we were getting to.

So you've just taken that away from me. I was like, I've got a lovely perineum. You're like, no, you're not. That's your forehead. Keep going all the way around. You haven't got a gooch. That's just your lower forehead, your bald sweat. I wondered why you were paying so much attention to me.

It was just a fucking neg. Danny, are you excited too? I honestly, I think if I fucking, like I've been doing a little bit of the what, the lat pull down at the gym. I think my shoulders could be pretty nice. I could be into my shoulders, you know. I think if I just sorted this shit out and stopped eating bread and sweets, I think this could be into my shoulders, you know. I think if I just sorted this shit out

and stopped eating bread and sweets, I think this could be all quite nice. Adam's thinking about your gooch. No, I'm not. He's deep into my gooch. The idea that you can ask any person on the planet, what's your best feature? And then them go, good shoulders.

I think you have as well. Are you excited for your new hair? Because you're getting it. It's happening. The wheels are turning. So... For those who don't know, Dan is getting a hair transplant in Liverpool.

I'm getting bullied into a hair transplant in Liverpool. In Manchester it is. Whoa, whoa, whoa. It's not? I thought it was in the live building. They haven't replied. It's a Manchester company now. Look, we're not bullying you into it.

If you don't want this, we can discuss it. I don't want the pain. No, it's pain-free. Ah, is it? Just because you said that and you've got no research. No, they just use Pritt sticks. They just use Pritt sticks?

Can I get one of them glue-on wigs first and see how that feels? No, Dan, this is happening. No. I got either the marketing teams or they got the wheels to it. Carl, these cunts are going to staple arse hair into my head. Can I just do a fucking taster? You haven't got a hairy arse. It's going to be bald hair.

Oh, God. Bored. You're going to take it off your forehead. Blow your cock. Maybe this is the mistake I'm making, getting my back lasered. This is all potential hair. Can I get the glue-on wig first?

No. Why? It's not fun, is it? Part of this is... Hang on, that'd be like a... Why? It's not fun, is it? Part of this is... Hang on, that'd be like a, well, it looks great, and then it's worth the effort. I think we've just got to go for it, you know?

Yeah. We? Yeah. You won't even be there. You're watching, though, aren't you? I can't. It's part of the podcast, and you're a good lad.

It's basically a tattoo on your head, but it's here. You're going to love it. You're going to love it. You're going to love it. What if I don't love it, and I just miss my gooch head head shave it off right but is there gonna be is there gonna be thanks phil yeah you're not gonna not love it though are you it's gonna look really nice you

can have a little little short back and snides what whose head whose head you want what what should when you look at someone's hair? Famous, Morgan Freeman. I'll send Carl a picture now. I'll send Carl a picture now. But I did some fucking around on AI yesterday. You look fit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I'm going to send Carl a picture now. I saw the Vagrant hair at Paul Lintz. You'll notice I look like Paul Lintz. West Ham Paul Lintz, if you can find one. I know that's not going to be easy. So I reckon, yeah, I look like a young Paul Lintz. Or whoever Carl's being a cunt about right now. Oh, wow.

That is a haircut. You look like Nicolas Cage with a shit haircut. You're trying to get Paul Lintz's hair and your wife's trying to get his skin. It's mad, isn't it? Nice. Shout out, Paul Lent. Shout out, Paul Lent.

You like that? I'm fucking you. I'm excited. It's going to be like a six-week thing and then about a year's worth of growth and we're going to track it as a community. We love you, Dan.

What? The hat's going to slowly come off. Yeah. The hair's going to push it off a community. We love you, Dan. What? The hat's going to slowly come off. Yeah. The hair's going to push it off. God. Is this actually happening? I was sort of fucking around when I agreed to it. Oh, Stephen had three meetings yesterday about it.

Did he? Yeah. God, it's really good when he kicks it into gear, isn't it? That's good. It's a Manchester-based firm. All right. Right. Well, nice one.

This is happening. Is it? Yeah. Yes. Talk. Can you, nice one. This is happening. Is it? Yeah. Yes. Talk. Can you just get the process up and talk me through it? So what they do is

they take hair off your bollocks. Thanks, Dr. Ro. They staple them to your head. Nice. Sounds great. Do you know like when you get your lawn done? Yeah.

Yeah. You know like if your lawn's a bit patchy? Yeah. It's just muddy in there. And you put a, what's the? Seed. Seed in.

And you have to wait for it to like grow and then you. Seed in. And you have to wait for it to grow and then you cut it off a bit and you have to wait for it to grow again. And every time it grows, there's more of it. And you cut it and it grows and you cut it and it grows. We're putting a lawn on your head.

Yeah. I don't know why. Lawn head? You've done really well to sell that to me. My appreciation of lawns. What? Is it what colour is it going to be? It's whatever's on us, bollocks.

What colour are you, bollocks? I'm probably braiding it multic it multi-color purple sugar sean o'malley is what i'm going for is that fair yeah yeah yeah i'm gonna get ripped tats bye bye laura she's in york anyway she's probably gone home to india she's in the congo blending in look at you just realising all that's actually happening I am I honestly didn't yeah you get it the thing is you can always get it haircut

or just put a hat on yeah you did it anyway yeah yeah yeah he's never seen the back of your head this is the this is the problem

you know when you've had a big forehead your whole life where because the temptation is to just draw it down isn't it where does my forehead start they know that your forehead started your eyebrows

and now it's less because you're surprised nobody mean where does the end of the when does the they know where your hairline is do they yeah this is the follicles oh do you want to fringe or are you saying where are they going to put your actual hairline where's that where's the hairline so like my hairlines your very normal hairl. Mine was always like an inch behind that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're not gonna do that to your eye. They're not gonna give you the receding hair transplant. Take your hat off again. They're not gonna make you look like Hector Salamanca.

They're gonna give you... Your hairline's gonna be like here. Yeah. Draw it on. Where? Where? Oh no, that's Sharpie! Oh no!

For fuck's sake, I've got school. Someone find me a felt tip. That's a felt tip? That's not a Sharpie. That is not a felt tip. That's not a Sharpie. That is permanent. No, there's no such thing as permanent, Mark.

I want to come and see you now. Oh, I've got some paint pens. Let's find out where my airline is. Did it in your bag, by Steve? Blue bag. Here's a little wrinkle. Jack was playing the drums yesterday. I let him have a twat around on that.

Something's happened to my eardrum. I can't hear properly out of this ear. Might as well burst it. Fucking brilliant. It feels like I'm underwater on one side. I'm underwater. Death and... It's a meme.

Is it? I think it's Laura. Thank God someone knew it. Oh, that's good. You look like a man. Cut my life into pieces. This is my last resort. What colour do you want, Dan?

Suffocation. I'll do it for you. Ah, Willie. Yeah, Will Adam Rowe, draw on my head. What have you got? Is that nunchucks? It is nunchucks. These aren't fucking permanent, are they?

Paint. Right. What colour? What colour? All of them. Have you got a brown? No, no, no. No, keep those colours away from Adam Rowe.

Shut the fuck up. Ooh. This one looks good. Yeah, that's probably the right one. What is it? Skin colour. Apricot. Give it a bit of a shake.

Right, go on. Give it a bit of a shake. It's pink. You need to bring your fingers down, maybe like, yeah. This is what they're going to do in the hospital. Oh, that's lovely, actually. Yeah.

Yeah, that's about right. Oh, I can see the vision. That's about right. Do you know what? He doesn't need it anymore. Yes. Right, this can see the vision. That's about right. Do you know what? He doesn't need it anymore. Yes. Right. This is fun, this.

The audio listeners. I'm getting hair. Adam's drawing Dan's hair on. My fingers feel like they're quite low down here, Adam. No, that's genuinely right. Adam. Oh, this is not a good sign that the pens are in a bit. Go on.

It's taken 10 years off you, to be fair. You look like it. I actually think it needs to come a little bit lower. No, I don't feel like it does. Give me a fringe, Adam. I don't feel like it does. Just come here. Dan?

Dan, can you look at the monitor and just see what you look like? Yeah. This is what they're going to do in the clinic. Do you like it? You look like a young man. You can't see it on there. Yes. Great.

I can do it in black if you want so you can see it on there. It's only paint. Dan's got a gig tomorrow. It's paint. It'll wipe off. You don't know that. I do.

Yeah, you happy with that no no you're not going lower well i can see the menace in your book i'm not i'm not trying to be a dick honestly you're trying to be nice you want you to know what you're gonna look like oh yeah yeah that makes more sense no yeah it looked stupid before half an inch more fringe Beautiful Oh my god It actually started to look like hair What the fuck Because of like the texture of the pen

This is lovely this I hope you're not allergic to it Did you give me a little bit of side ear Yeah I hope you're not allergic to that then I reckon I could do hair transplant to me you know If it was drawn and painted on that then. I reckon I could do hair transplants me, you know. If it was drawing paint on people's heads

I reckon so as well. Alright, well if that's as easy as it is and I'm sure... Do you want to take a picture of him and show him?

Yeah, show me a picture. I'm ready. Should we go for a bevy? Where are we going for lunch? I'll not wear a hat. The middle of Liverpool one. You look...

It actually looks... Have a look. It actually looks good. I'm not the butt of the joke here, am I? Oh no of Liverpool one. You look. It actually looks. Have a look. It actually looks good. I'm not the butt of the joke here, am I? No. Oh, no, great. I look great.

I look really good. Shoot me in the fucking head. What's my best feature? My new hair. Watch your fucking face. Look, that is, you love it,

don't you? Yeah, I love it. That is an unbelievable improvement and i mean yeah yeah unbelievable let's go for a break and i'm washing this shit off lids do us a favor yeah you love us don't you you love this podcast that's why you're listening to it and especially if you're watching on youtube helps us immeasurably if you go and leave a comment like subscribe and turn the bell on,

it sends us through the roof with the algorithm. It costs you absolutely nothing apart from half a second of your life and helps us no end. And you can follow us on socials, can't you, Dan? Yeah.

I have a word pod. I nearly said my handle then. I have a word pod. Just give us a follow and comment and don't just like something. Retweet it, share it, put it on your stories. Just be sound. It costs nothing to be nice.

Be a good egg. Do you remember the rumour that Lady Gaga had a cock? Yeah, I do, yeah. Just because she had slightly manly features. No, no, no. She was playing up to it. She had a girthy thing in her pants. No, but didn't he originally come, she looked a bit malish?

Yeah, yeah. And then everyone was like, she got asked in interviews, have you got a bellend? And she was like, she just refused to answer. It was class. She was like, why is that anyone's business? John May was interviewing her. What? John May was interviewing her. What a fucking bellend, girl. Yeah.

Have you got a bellend? That was the talk of high school for a few. Technically all women have got bellends. Clits are just little bellends, aren't they? They are. So beautifully put. That's how women see them. Yes, Dr. Ro.

Suck my little... You can't even find my little bellend. What are men like? Dr. Ro. Lady Gaga's not super manly. Is she? She's Peter Manly. She's not super manly. She's Lick My Gooch. I reckon if she was super manly, I she's not super manly

I reckon if she was super manly I think the question would have been have you got a pussy 190 I mean she's not as androgynous as like Billie Eilish oh fuck off big old tits on her Carl can't see past tits

I think to be androgynous you have to be a little bit flat chested Billie Eilish has got bastards that isn't true at all past it when it comes to... I think to be androgynous, you have to be a little bit flat chested. No. Billie Eilish has got bastards. That isn't true at all. What? But she's got a little bit of a boyish face.

If, if, Carl... Do you not think Claire Baldwin is androgynous? Because she's got bastards and she could easily be called Graham. Billie Eilish and Claire Balden in the same chat. Who'd have thought? She's called Billie, innit? No, it's because she's got quite a boyish face. She's got a boyish, big old pair of tits.

Oh my God, get Carly. I don't think Billie Eilish is androgynous. She's got a little bit. She's not the most... You're thinking of Claire Balden. Or Graham Balden. I don't know. Speaking of Balden, Dan, You're thinking of clip ball? Or grey and ball and whichever.

Speaking of ball and done, the paint won't wash off will it? No! Show them. Oh, it's still fully there. Can I use the sharpie? Yeah. Like Lady Gaga, to this day no one really knows yeah they do no one

no one really knows anything you don't know he has got a cock has has got a pussy nice no I don't know I don't understand what you said

so I definitely don't know erm I think I think it's pretty you know I think we're pretty sure that she's cockless yeah

good for her for being like fuck off yeah she's like none of your business whether i've got a bell in the mouth keep my dick out your mouth that's what the vmes none of your business i've got a bell in um you know you told my proof then uh you know that uh cliff fella that i watch the religious guy yeah right i i've got one of his tiktoks last night the night before he's a big someone goes i'll believe in god if you can believe if you can prove to me that there's a god and he goes can't prove anything you can't prove we're having this conversation right now someone might have put drugs in our tea and we might be imagining this conversation. Such a good argument, isn't it?

No. It's an pathetic argument. It's a stoner argument. He's been done for the first time there, hasn't he? No. He gets done regularly. And he always does. He's classic.

He slips and slides and jabs. Punches them. Yeah. I watched Louis CK's newest stand-up special last night. You've watched it, haven't you? I've listened to it. And the bit about the Bible and Jesus and the fig tree is so funny. There must be so many of those stories in the Bible.

Because I didn't really, I'd never thought about this. And if you haven't watched it, by the way, you have to buy it on Louis' website. Or you can listen to it on Spotify. Yeah, but it's his best one since his... Problem. If you haven't watched it, by the way, you have to buy it on Louis' website. Or you can listen to it on Spotify. Yeah, but it's his best one since his... Problem. His problems a few years ago. But he's like, I was raised Catholic.

He's like, and they encourage you not to read the Bible. Like, you go to Catholic church and they're like, don't read that, I'll tell you what happens. It's so good. And then he's like, and it's because of the stories like this, where Jesus went up to a fig tree. This is a real story.

It's in the Bible. And there's no fruit on it because it wasn't like fruit season yet. The time of figs is not yet. Yeah. So he just kills the tree. He goes, this tree will no longer bear fruit from now and forever.

And the next day, the tree is just all wilt fruit from now and forever. And the next day, the tree's just all wilted and dead. And all his disciples are like, what do you do that for? And he goes, I have faith in God. That's a real story in the Bible. What? Why? The fig tree didn't have figs. Because the time of figs was not yet. He was like, fuck you,

you're dead. Jesus was starving. The fig tree didn't give him any figs, so he was like, what? What do you mean, what? What does he do to it? He curses it with his god powers. Well, I mean, essentially, yeah. I'm reading the Bible, me. Sounds like a fucking belter.

I love it when he goes, it's four books of the same story. Yeah, it's the same story four times. Matthew's like, shut up, John, that's the same story four times Matthew's like shuff John that's not what happened this is what happened you weren't even there you were drunk

and the way he goes through he's like well like he gets the last like the the four the New Testament and goes

this bit's about Jesus all of this bit's just like and then Abraham this is Jews and this is that's class yeah it's very it's very good. I do love Louis C.K. still.

It's still one of my go-to's. His where? What? You don't know him, do you? He might have a pussy. I still love his... That was a big rumour for a while. Louis C.K.'s got a pussy.

And he got asked in interviews, have you got a pussy? And he was like, I tell you. Nice. He put an accent on it? He put a voice on it. And Mike Bibigli's Thank God for Jokes

is also what I've been listening to on Spotify. Fucking love both of those specials. Very good. Shall we, Finn? Hello. Hi, Finn. Hiya. Should we do some man play?

I think we should. Do you want to do some man play? Yeah. We haven't got a jingle yet. Man play, playing like a man, having fun like a man, and also women.

There you go. We still haven't got one. Nice. Flip it. This first one's from Ethan. Man play here. After finishing a drink from a bottle and you can't be arsed going to the bin yet,

you start hitting yourself on the head with it. Yeah. Yeah. What? Yeah. Yeah. So you don't be arsed going to the bin yet, you start hitting yourself on the head with it. Yeah. What? Yeah. So you don't know if I finished that? Or like my arm or my leg? Yeah. Well, I... No. Most of you cunts just put it down on somewhere and then just wander off.

I don't. I put everything in the bin. Sir. Sir, go look at my desk. No, sir. Go look at my desk. No, look at my desk no sir my desk no sir what do you mean no sir no sir my desk

clean what do you mean your desk you sit there about half an hour a week half an hour to clean though innit everywhere else is a fucking mess because you're going around throwing bottles everywhere I do do this though

I empty them you leave them yeah yeah sure you do no I think that sounds mental I don't think that sounds like man play we've done we both

we both do it Adam does it this is the thing yeah just like fucking around with a bottle because you can't find a bin you're not going to litter are you you're not going to litter

because you're just like right yeah this is I love it that you're rolling with it you have I have never seen you yeah because he's in the podcast

give me that fucking drink because I'm a professional Dan come on you have never no one has ever sat in here going blah blah blah fucker I can't get

into this you've never got empty drinks you take someone else's nice yeah that's why we've never got

empty bottles because when we get down to the last egg you just sweep them up oh yeah you know when

you're picking up my drinks you're finishing them for me is it eggy between you and me mate there's beef

there must be Karl with a K as well you fucking me yeah is it eggy between you and me mate there's beef this must be beef Carl with a K as well you fucking dickhead is it Karl Marx are Dan and Karl Marx beefing again Dan hates communism next one

this is from Luke Dunlop sometimes I like to go for what I call a danger piss this involves being too rough with your initial lift of the toilet seat to the point where it bounces off and starts falling back down.

My skills have reached a point where my home toilets no longer provide the adrenaline that they once did, and so I've begun greasing the downstairs toilet. I particularly love the uncertainty of an away leg with my mate George's lid having a perfectly challenging pace to it. I'm currently 2-1 up at his throne, with my last victory coming at the price of the lid falling on my dick

during Fergie time. Falling on his dick? Whoa, whoa, whoa. So he's slamming the finger and then putting his dick in the way of the lid. Well, he's slamming his dick up and trying to have a piss

before it hits him. He's talking shite. It's a quick piss, that as well. That is unbelievably quick. Like, it's slamming back down. No, but I'm guessing it's one of them slow close ones. Well, then you don't need to slam it.

The slow close ones just automatically start closing. Nah, my man's a weird guy. I honestly thought Danger Piss was going somewhere else then. What did you think it was? Go down the primary school, piss against the railings, see if I get on the list. Or go into the Australian outback, where it's lawless, and just have a piss there.

It's not lawless. What? This Australian, 2024 Australian outback is lawless. All the laws are ignored. Ah, there you go. Basically people don't care.

Yeah. There's a bit of America that's lawless, isn't it? Like that weird strip between two states. Where is it? Is it like Oregon or something? No, I think... Oh, I know what you mean.

I think federal law covers all of the United States of America. Yeah, but it's state law, isn't it? Yeah, so federal law... Oh, yeah. It's not lawless. It's different law. There's no... You're thinking of in Seattle,

where it's like the police don't get involved with scraps. I mean, you could be having a scrap and the businesses are just standing there watching, like, betting on it. You mean... I'm not thinking of that, involved with scraps. I mean, you could be having a scrap and the businesses are just standing there watching, like betting on it. You mean- I'm not thinking of that, Adam, no. You mean Portland?

Did you find it? Yes. Portland, Washington. Yes. No, there's like a weird gap. It's too small to have anything in it. It's like a wasteland between two things and like apparently like-

It's Portland. No, you're talking about different things. I know, I remember when- Was that a Tom Scott video? When the Black Lives Matter thing really kicked off, the police in Portland backed off massively. But you're talking about some weird discrepancy in state lines.

What have you got? It was a Tom, what was it? Slab City. Slab, Slab City, bitch. In California.

I'm thinking of that. I'll find it later, but it was on a Tom Scott video. Slab, Slab City, bitch. In California. I'm thinking of that. I'll find it later, but it was on a Tom Scott video. Basically, it was like this wasteland where it's two states meeting. They don't know whose it is. They don't know what laws actually govern this part. In Portland, like-

But it's not lawless. No, but like, there's a bit of- You can't just go in there, hey, we're in no man's land. Blow your head off. No one's coming for you. I'm talking like 100 years ago, people would, that's where they'd go and do it.

Yeah. Oh. Because you'd like, oh, which state's going to arrest me off. No one's coming for me. I'm parking there for a hundred years. People would, that's where they go and do it. Yeah. Oh. Cause you'd like, oh, which state's going to arrest me? Like all like up in here. In Portland, it's like, if two men want to scrap, the busies won't stop them. It basically becomes like, they're basically in the UFC for a minute.

It's because it's so dangerous, right? It's like, oh, let them. No, it's just like, that's how we settle things. Let's have it. What? What have you heard? What's that? What?

The busies don't stop men, like, settling things like men. What? Then we're talking about a different... Because Portland, Washington is so progressive, they basically depowered the police. It's not like, old rules, fix it like a man. Yeah, that's what it's like, though.

Wow. There is a bit ofica where the busies will let me like if me and you come out of a bar and start punching each other's head in they won't split it up it's in yellowstone like let them fight to the death it's called the yellowstone zone of death there you go so place in yellowstone where there's like that is essentially lawless but like that's not what i'm talking about that's a different thing yeah anyway luke's weird for having his danger pisses yeah he's a liar yes this is from thanks for your entry luke this is from yakubu man play i was the first passport i was the first to pass my driving test in my year so

my pals and i would go out on drives purely because we could when driving and approaching a bloke i'd beep a couple of times like it was a mate and nothing gave my pals and i more pleasure than to watch the poor bastard automatically wave thinking it was a pal to see a courser full of boys waving back and his face dropping i don't think that's man play i think that's you and your mates are gimps no you give a section you give a little a wave to strangers no but you automatically wave don't you that's the funny thing like you just but you automatically wave, don't you? That's the funny thing. Like you just go, and you go, I don't know who they are. Yeah. Give them a funny old person name. There's Barbara.

I love it. Nah, you and your mates are Gimps there. Sorry. That's Gimpy. That's happened loads to me lately. Beep, beep, beep.

We made him wave. Gimp. This is from Katie. Hi boys. I have a bit of woman play for you. I was gifted some chopsticks once, and since then, I've tried to eat the most difficult meals

using chopsticks. Soup? Yeah. I can do cereal all right, but sandwiches were getting too messy unless I took them apart. Cereal? You could do cereal, couldn't you?

Yeah. One flake at a time. The thing is, like, what your brain goes to with, like, chopsticks being hard is, like, small things like Cocoa Pops and that, like cereal. But they're predominantly used for rice.

Yeah, but the rice is sticky, isn't it? They're basically made, yeah, but so are Cocoa Pops, if you really want it. What if you use glue instead of milk? It's dead easy. Look at that. I've choked to death, but I've proved a point. Last one. This is from Callum.

Not sure if this is man play, but when I watch a game show, I like to play along to it, but like proper play along to it. With the chase, I'll sketch out a rectangle of the money board on it and shade it in as the chaser gets them right to see if I would have won if I was on the show.

When the voice was on, I used to watch it with my back to the screen with a red button in front of me and only turn round if I pressed it. He's autistic. I quite like that, though. That's class, that, though. Just sitting there.

I quite like that. Whoa! Fuck off, you're ugly. And you can sing. That should be called the ugliest singers, shouldn't it? That's what it's for. The should-be-masked singer. Is there weirder shows that you shows you could play along to what is there weirder shows that you could play along to make it action yeah oh i would wank over that one keep going no negative distraction but

you're like one of the screens and you just don't get those it's like she loves my dick here she's not even looking at me, because she's in love. I just do it at my window. I do play along with the chase and pointless and all that, but I don't draw it out, I just do it in my head, because I'm clever. I'm like, I know where the chase is being where I'd be. It's like three or four steps.

You don't get your crayons out and draw a... No? No. Draws on your head. Was Pointless a lot more challenging when you actually did it? Yeah, because Matt Richardson was shy. I mean, like, was there... Did you feel any pressure on it or not?

No. I'll be honest with you, the day recording, that was fucking shit. So by the time we started recording it, I was just like, let's just crack on because it was covid rules even though it wasn't like deep covid and uh so i got there they were like we need to do it for like 11 a.m so i had to get an early train down to london euston and then it was an hour and 20 minute drive to l street studios which is like north of london

so you have to go into london to come back out. And then they were like, right, you're going to be recording at like 7pm and you're in this dressing room and because of COVID rules, no one else is allowed in the room for you. If you want anything, just give us a shout into the hallway that you want a cup of tea

and we'll get someone to drop it by your door. But there was zero interaction for seven hours with anybody else. I was just sat there, just do it. But they were like, we needed you here early, because there was delays or anything. I was like, seven hours with anybody else i was just sat there just do it like but they were like we needed you here early you know because like if there was delays or anything i was like seven hours this is mad and then seven hours later they they bring it up we do the thing and it's over with it like it's over it goes as fast as the tv show does there's no breaks there's no they go literally like i know we're going to an ad like they don't even do that because the bbc

they're like yeah well let's see that and, right, it's time for the next round. And then the next round starts. So it's very, it was a very- There's no studio audience. Is there? There normally is, but it was COVID. Nice.

Imagine it's a proper, they've done so much of that, it's just a well-oiled machine and they're just bang, bang, bang, bang, bang,

bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang,

bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang,

bang, bang, TV love you in seven hours before, don't they? They love doing stupid call times. We absolutely need you there. You're like, you fucking don't

but yeah it's pointless I really wanted to do Pointless because it's one of my favourite shows but by the time I actually got into the studios and recorded it I was so zoned out from being there for seven hours it was just a bit

they took the fun out of it what would you love to do? You'd love to do. I'd bet you anything. Oh, yeah. Pointless is probably the one, you know. Is it? I like Pointless.

Millionaire for me. Yeah. You're like the star of the show for a bit, aren't you? You could go over two episodes if you fucking need it. I'll be in the fucking audience. Millionaire would be the one. I'm in the audience coughing for you. The wrong answers.

No, just to get you disqualified. The millionaire is the one I would back myself to win. You, let's be honest, back yourself to win most things. Yeah, yeah, but like the most. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like, I think with three lifelines on millionaire, I think I could do quite well, especially if all the questions were about Friends season five to seven.

Yeah, I've seen evidence that that's probably true I know I'd get 32 grand I know I'd be walking out with at least 32,000 pounds oh yeah because the first question's like what animal is Donald

what's your name Adam if you want to see Adam prove a point there sign up to Patreon patreon.com slash have a word pod we've just put out

a Patreon exclusive that is one of our finest Adam was meant to be in Paris for the marathon was not, and ended up being in on a guest co-host episode with Sean Walsh. And it's an hour and 50 minutes

of some of my favorite have a word ever that is on our patron. And at the end, we did a mastermind where I put it in the fucking wall and Adam looked like Rain Man. It was pretty impressive. I want to do it again today. Write like 100 questions

at the end of, just in the gap. Yeah. It's got social content written all over it. Let's do some advice. Oh. Is this loud?

Not for me. Great. My headphones are quiet. Is it loud for you? No, it's quiet for me on one side. Oh shit. My life.

By the way, them friends questions were apparently harder than I thought they were because I got them all right. Spoilers. But he's an excellent driver. But me mate who also loves friends, like she loves it. I was like, oh, we did this thing in the podcast you did today. Like, and I got them all right. And she was like, ask me them, I'll get them right.

And she got two right. Was there eight questions? You asked me three and you asked me five she got two of them right and she was like this is doing my head and i was like oh that's quite hard yeah but lee says lads uh either need your advice or i have to have a word with this girl i'm speaking to we went out on our second date the other night and ended up having a few drinks we got on like a house on fire and was it was getting a bit frisky at the end of the night in between us kissing i noticed she had a bogey in her nose i tried to be gentlemanly and pulled it out for her but instead of being grateful she was mortified and walked off i thought she just overreacted because she was drunk

but ever since she's been a bit off with me over message. Any advice on how to rectify this or is she just mental and you need to have a word with her? Is this a date? What the fuck? Is it a date? Like one of the first dates? Second date. Wow.

Second date and there was a bogey in her nose and what did he do about it? Took it out? He took it out. Strong guitar? What? I don't think you should. Oh, well, fucking put it back then.

I don't think you should stick your fingers in someone when they're not expecting it. It depends how the first date went, doesn't it? Like, if he's already fingered her, what's wrong with putting fingers up her nose? Nope. If your fingers have been in someone's pussy, you can pick the nose for them.

Fact. Is that how it works? Get on a T-shirt. It's not, no girl wants the bogey pulled out. Imagine if someone did that to you. Yeah. What if they've whacked you off? They've already whacked me off.

No, I genuinely, like, I think you'd hate it, wouldn't you? Yeah. Do you think even now, if Laura picked your nose, it'd be a bit weird? Yes, it's not weird,

but you're like, just go, hey, you got a bogey. We're two kids together. It'd be weird if she whacked you off. She can't pick your nose. She's got a joint bank account. No, don't get me wrong. I'm not going to be like, huh, you assaulted me. Like, I get it. But she could

go, hey, you've got a bogey. Like, it's... Has she ever whacked me off? I mean... 2017. So you're telling me it would be weird if Laura came to you and was like,

come here a sec, you've got a boat and she just took it out. You'd be like, what are you doing? And you've got a fucking joint bank account, two kids in a caravan together.

The first one is wrong. Never get joint bank accounts. It's insane. Your money. Never do joint. I'll never, I'll die before I do joint bank accounts.

Thanks. I would rather her finger was in my nose. At least knowingly. I would rather, I would rather her finger was in my nose than my bank accounts. Thanks. Same. I would rather her finger was in my nose. At least knowingly. I would rather I would rather her finger was in my nose than my bank account.

Fair? Is that your arse? No, it's not a euphemism. I mean my literal bank account. The nose goes like just a little a withdrawal. Ow.

I just think it's the easier way to do it. Go like, babe. I just wouldn't mind it, mate. Brilliant. As long as it's not one of those do it go like babe I just wouldn't mind it mate as long as it's not one of those ones that's like stuck in one of your hairs and then when you pull it out

the air comes out and that hurts that's a very dry bogey that isn't it I get dry bogey sometimes I had one last night just got all these women reaching in and getting them

don't worry Adam I'm in here I'm living here now I've wanked you off Adam where's that girl gone she's in your nostril Adam she's living there I'm sailing passing these out I've wanked you off, Adam. Where's that girl gone? She's in your nostril, Adam. She's living there. Passing these out.

Don't worry. No, just say it. Second date's wild. But if she's sucked them off, then she's got to pass. You don't know, though. We've just got to assume that the first date was

they've been necking on. It's fine. If she's had your cock's not, she can have your nose not. He's saying it's fine. I'm well the opposite. I think this is bad. What happens if she does it while she's sucking you off?

Honestly, then I would sign up for Britain's Got Talent immediately. Initially, you're going to think, she's trying to finger my nose. What is she doing on Britain's Got Talent? I'm telling you, she can do that. She can do something. She can juggle her. Or she's sucking David Walliams off

and picking Simon Cowell's nose at the same time. Yeah. I don't think they're going to let that on. Good way round. Now you keep your fingers out of my nose. And out of your wife.

And my bank account. Anonymous. Wag wag lids. Need some advice. I've fallen out with my brother because I said he couldn't bring his bird

to my wedding due to me only meeting her twice and we're keeping it a really small wedding with about 25 people close friends originally he agreed and had no issues originally he agreed and had no issues attending on his own but recently his bird asked where her invite was and it all kicked off as he lied to her and caused loads of strife i tried speaking to him troubles and strife i tried speaking to him to put it all behind us but he's blown his top again how do i deal with the situation with the wedding coming closer or do you just need to have a word with him for being a childish twat yeah you're telling me he's not fucking coming then?

Genuinely? You go, well then, you're not coming? It's my, like, my wedding day. You're doing what I want. It's like me birthday. Obviously, the woman can get involved a bit,

but like, it's my day, innit? None of you are getting plus one to my wedding because you're all each other's plus one. This is the Venice one. I'm bringing her ones,

by the way. You're bringing Dan and Jack? Hey, that caused an eyebrow razor. That was a... What, she put her eyebrows off oh she raised an eyebrow call oh she didn't raise your eyebrows yeah a mad little 20 seconds oh you mean laura when you said she's not coming yeah that was like why you're going talking about yeah she was doing her indian. That spray tan's really stuck. Yeah, it was a...

She was like, oh, okay. Not personal to Laura at all. I mean, it is personal to her. It isn't. She's not been invited. She specifically told us she's not coming. I mean, that's how... She was like, so what's happening?

I was like, you know that thing we were doing? The bigger thing. She's coming to the home one. Yeah, she knows that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's thinking about that. The one where we go to Venice and have that the home one. Yeah, she knows that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's thinking about that. She's the one where we go to Venice and have that really special time.

Yeah, she's, yeah. She sounded it, but it got her sort of like, okay. Yeah, and do you know what? We'd love her to be there. You know we would. But it's £180,000.

But, no, it's not that. But she's hungry. It's as soon as Laura comes and he gets a plus one. And then Steve gets a plus one. And then it's double the amount of people and then it's not as manageable. And you don't like her as much.

I love Laura, actually. I actually wanted her to come before you, but I had to bring you. That's not true. But I get this because this is actually happening to me. Because I've got, not you, I mean, you're kind of doing it now.

But this is a real thing in some other places elsewhere. Oh, is it? Is it actually going on? Yeah, because it's a new relationship. There's two bits of advice here. There's two bits of advice, okay? First of all, it's your wedding, lad.

Tell him to shut the fuck up and that you're doing it your way and it's your way or the highway. Tell your brother back in his fucking box. Advice for his brother. Do what you want. Bring her. What are they going to actually do on the day?

Adam Rowe sorting out everyone's problems advice for his brother do what you want bring her what are they going to actually do on the day that's true Adam Rowe sorting out everyone's problems by making bigger ones if I flew a plus one out to your wedding in Venice and just brought them you'd do fuck all

no it would be so cringy it would be fine then and then Seneca would unleash hell it would be so bad she can't

women are always overreacting to. She can't. Women not always overreacting to stuff. I can't wait for you to get married to just see the drama which is like these are my dreams. Like,

I couldn't give a shit. These are my dreams as well. It's going to be so much fun. Do you know not everyone can talk to their siblings like you can. Like,

it's not. It's, some people are more like, oh, God, how's it going to play out? You're like, don't give a fuck. Do what you want. Tell him to fuck off. What?

Joper Squire. That's how he speaks to his siblings. Am I fucking funny, you? Like, just do what you... Both of you just do what you want. No one's asked? No. If you flew Laurel out to Venice with them...

Laurel. Laurel and Hardy. I wouldn't Laurel. Laurel and Hardy. I wouldn't do it. Oh, Yanni. I wouldn't do it. I can't handle it. I can't handle people being annoyed with me. Yeah, but if you were less of a bitch about it

and just did it and had the balls for it. No, that's not how that works. You're not a fucking man. Just bring a plus one that I've not met yet. Fucking bring her over. Here she is, Bernadette. She's coming. She's sound.

She's already pissed. I'd love you to fall in love with, Bernadette. She's coming. She's sound. She's already pissed. I'd love you to fall in love with a Bernadette. How's Bernie doing? Fucking hammered. Bernie. Fucking Berno. It's Bernie. Berno's already in Venice. She's gone over early.

She's smashed. Scoped out the venue. She's already been barred from one. It's going to be a wonderful weekend with all the people we love bad from one it's gonna be a wonderful weekend with all the people we love and we're crashing a web yeah and it's gonna be

all the people I love minus a couple of that I love and that's great and she's had to be put in a box but is Bernie going fuck him Ben I was gonna be there

oh fuck him you're all each other's plus ones great yeah yeah yeah there was a Bernadette in my year she fit

she was actually i think you've got to be the same you're gonna be fit to be called audrey i think yeah i may and be young i mean have you not seen connie i think to be a young orgy you're gonna be fit by the way you know when you say um like uh when i get married it's gonna be a nightmare and that like

oh hang on like if i get married the get she can have whatever she wants yeah that's not how you gazebo a deja vu

whatever she wants oh she can have i know i'm getting used to them now she can have whatever she wants right i'm not getting deja vu you can have whatever you wants. Am I getting deja vu?

You can have whatever you want. You can have your Z-Ball deja vu. But I also get what I want, but what I want. But sometimes those things are going to conflict. But they won't though, because she can't possibly say that I'm being unreasonable with what I'm asking for. What do you want?

What are your requests at a wedding? Country music. And Guinness. what do you want what are your what are your requests at a wedding country music and guinness you'll have to second one the first one ain't gonna fly is it what do you mean

at the wedding yeah at like not like while we're walking down the island I just mean at the wake whatever you call it your marriage wake

the guys from losers bar that kind of country band doing pop covers. I get that. If she doesn't like country music, then that is a sticking point.

I would not marry that fucking bitch, would I? She doesn't exist, Dan. She doesn't call anyone a bitch. They don't exist. Hypothetical. Big Bernie loves country music. That is...

They'd have to have a basic like of country music for me really yeah really that's insane it isn't it really really really isn't Seneca doesn't like my music

and I don't give a fuck you and Seneca have got a really big overlap in music use life no we've got a very small overlap I love hip hop and R&B and rap

she despises it totally and that's all I listen to I don't even know how you sleep with her it's disgusting when she gets in my car I'm. I don't know even how you sleep with her. When she gets in my car, I'm cool.

I go, put her wherever you want on. And she'll usually put Taylor Swift on because she knows I like her. She will never listen to my music. But you just like loads of the same bands.

Yeah, but I'm saying, I only listen to that with her really. Right. She doesn't like it. There's plenty that you can overlap on.

There's plenty that you can listen to together. Yeah, but if it didn't... All I listened to was overlap on. There's plenty that yous can listen to together. Yeah, but if it didn't... All I listened to was country music. So if she's not going to listen to it even a little bit, to the point where we can have it dominate our wedding. There you go. I'm not marrying her.

There you go. She has to compromise and like it a little bit and listen to it exclusively on the biggest day of her life. I think that is fair. I want Guinness and I want some sort of country music at the party. She can have whatever flowers she wants, dauphinoise potatoes, salmon, chicken,

the vicar or fucking, we'll get a celebrity in to come and do it. Eating the vicar? Whatever. Like whatever she wants. You don't want, you don't. I don't give a shit about whatever venue, in the summer, in the winter, rain and sunny

whatever you want, we can do it wherever you want I need a rainy wedding, it's my dream we can do it wherever you want, whenever you want on whatever day, do it on a Tuesday if you want I'll take a Saturday off work, I'll tell the Glee I'm not available, right? I will not do, I'll do whatever you want

whenever you want I want two things I want two things is she married 2019 hasn't she I want two things bit of country music that I can sing along to and have a dance

with all my friends and yous will all love it by then and then a Guinness a good Guinness what if she goes I don't want a big wedding I'd like to a low

and these friends can't come like what I'm doing what are you doing then but are we just having a party when we get back like you are I mean yeah fine at the party guinness and country music child can i have my ipad and my bina the guinness thing's mental like no bride is ever gonna go i do not want guinness available at the wedding my dream has already been a bottle bar specifically italian lagers well she says yeah but it's only

cans no why would you say that because guinness i said didn't i i said a good guinness yeah big bernie loves a pint i think the country music so you find this girl she's a nine she loves comedy she loves your shit she's good with the boys but she's like i'm not a massive fan of country music now you'd be like fuck off yeah yeah do you ask that to a girl before you're dating her or when you're dating her no but it's one of the things that it's so it's so common and popular certainly at the minute it's proper like on the ride everyone knows it and it's a it's a common like talking point when you start talking to someone and she got and she went normal into it if she was like i know if she was like oh you know there's a couple of things then i'll be like yeah

well that's enough do you have sex with it on in the background? Do you have sometimes? Oh, yeah. What's your... You should probably leave as soon as I've come. Tennessee Whiskey is a sexy song. Do you know that is the exact same melody as Etta James' I'd Rather Go Blind?

It's the same music. Wow. It's... Has he not been sued? No, he's... And the original Tennessee Whiskey isn't the Chris Stapleton one. Was it not? I thought that was his tune. it's the same music wow it's has he not been sued no he so he and the original Tennessee Whiskey isn't the Chris Stapleton one

was it not I thought that was his tune no and the original one is dog shit and he took the lyrics of that which are not the same melody at all and combined it with the music of I'd Rather Go Blind

and made one of the biggest bangers of all time and it is not making a lot of money off it I think because of rights no that's a change to sound probably boxed him off would you be fine with a a woman being more into the footy than you is not making a lot of money off it, I think, because of rights. No, that's a change of sound. Probably boxing on. Would you be fine with a woman being more into the footy than you?

I don't think that's possible, is it? Yeah. How? Like watching... I don't think any of Luko's are more into the footy than me. No, what happens if you come on and she's got an illegal on?

Yeah. She's watching Osasuna against Boba. I'd walk back out again and be like, bye! If she knows who Anaki Williams is. She's watching Saragossa and Osasuna. I'd walk back out again and be like, bye! If she knows who Anachi William is. Come on, let's go for some food, Saragossa and Osasuna. Nah, I'm going out with you. Let's go for some food.

No, Adam! P&E against Derby's on. No, three more corners and a yellow for Anachi William. If Big Bernie's got Anacha on. No, if my bird puts Anacha on, that's in the mud there. Yeah? In fact, no. If your bird's waiting on cards for 100 quid.

Oh, he's tucking off. I can't get the yellow now. No, I'm sorry. Look, I'm a traditional man. I like my women to only bet on the national based on the colour of the horses. That's the only time she can have a flutter, mate. I bet on the colour of the jockey.

Adam's requirement. Do you want country music at the wedding? Do you have a Bet365 account? Let's cut to the chase. They are genuine, genuine deal breakers. You're joking. But they are like absolute red line deal breakers. Sorry, babe, I can't come out.

I'm watching Werder Bremen on Wednesday no you're not oh babe babe stop mossing me out look at the odds on that

well I've got to put a bell I like girls who don't like footy it's actually the opposite for me I love that Tereka doesn't love it

because she's not poisoned by it I get to escape footy with her I don't want it and she doesn't like it so I go over there yeah with her. I don't want it. And she doesn't like it. So I go over there. Yeah, I don't want it.

I don't need Laura into the NFL. No, I made up. It's mine. And I ate it on my own. Imagine if you came home and Laura was screaming at the telly, watching the Saints. No, actually, I do like it. I was intentional grounding.

No, you want to imagine there with an NFL jersey and not an L-son. That's what it is. And the tan lines. Yeah. Oh, I want me bird to, like, me bird, if I come home and me bird's watching Corrie, but wearing a weird Bremen top. Not a Liverpool top?

What if it was, like, a Stade Rennais top? Wouldn't you be a bit like, oh, where have you got that from? Whose is that? It's not mine. No, I like my lady to not like football. Luckily, she despises football. Great. Yeah.

It's fine that they're into it, though, isn't it? Yeah. It's just not for me. Like, if you were single and someone was like football, you wouldn't be like, you're gone. I don't mind, like, a girl being like a Liverpool fan and being like, yeah, no, I want us to and someone was like football, you wouldn't be like, you're gone. I don't mind like a girl being like a Liverpool fan and being like, yeah, no, I want us to win and I like it. And they know the basics.

And they can even go the game. Like, no, it's sound. They're just not allowed on talk sport as a pundit. I just can't. You can't, no. I can't be like, you can't be analysing the match. Babe, let's go for brunch. I'm on five life.

That's a pen for me, that babe. Shut up. No, that's fine. They can analysing the match. Babe, let's go for brunch. I'm on five live. That's a pen for me, that, babe. Shut up. No, that's fine. They can be into the game. That's not it. But they can't be watching Osasuna and Real Zaragoza. That's La Liga and Serie A.

What a problem. They can watch their team. The Eredivis Verona, 8 o'clock. Get your kegs off. Get a chippy. No, I genuinely like... Should we get down to the pub for five and watch the Conference League game? What?

I like that she doesn't like footy. That's actually a thing for me. Would that be a deal-breaker, though? It would give me a little bit of an ick in my head, yeah. I'd already like the footy. No, I'm not bothered by that, really. A lot of the lads would be like, oh, no, if she was amazing. But, like, I'm like, no.

No, that doesn't bother me at all. It doesn't bother me at all. Deep seated racism, that is an issue for me. That's where I draw a line. Not a problem. Where the bed sheet's gone?

What, American History X after Osasuna? How quickly do you find out they've got deep seated racism? It could be too deep. You could be like 10 months in and she goes, you know what? Date two when you've got a finger up her nose.

What's that under there? Is that bigotry? It shouldn't be in there. Would that be? Get him out. What are you doing? 10 months in and you've got Corrie on. She goes, there's so many Indians in this now. Yeah. Ev shouldn't even be running that shop. 10 months in we were already

watching Corey is he still alive I think he's dead now is he what would you do would you genuinely go I'm done I'm not saying

you condone racism but we'd be like oh leave how would you deal with that he's still alive I'd honestly as soon as she went do you want

do you want to watch Corey I'd be like you're already gone the racism is secondary to it okay she's watching the NFL and she goes there's loads of you want to watch Corrie I'd be like you're already gone the racism is secondary to it okay she's watching the NFL and she goes

there's loads of them in this isn't there I was like no shit why would you not want your partner watching Corrie that is

Corrie he's watching soaps is such a massive green flag in women because that is 30 to 90 minutes a night

where they will fucking shut up and leave you alone oh god haven't you seen around the 40 times if champion league's on yeah to 90 minutes a night where they will fucking shut up and leave you alone. Oh, God. Haven't you seen around the footy times if Chambly's leg's on? Yeah. He's fucking wearing nothing.

Am I wrong? No. Is that not what men just need? Just 90 minutes a day where no one talks to us? Do you not need that? Are you with your missus all day? No.

I wake up, we're with each other all day and then fucking seven o'clock, Emmerdale comes on. Thank fuck for that. Corey's fine. Hollyoaks is a red flag. It's poo though. I don't... Yeah. What was it? What was the thing? Being super into Hollyoaks is a problem, innit? What was it?

What? What was the line that Curtis Oh yeah. Remember how bad the acting was oh yeah there you are beginning to think you forgot about me what mum's saying

probably stop whinging true how's Trish how would you remember that word for word I watch it about

seven times a month oh Trish every time I'm hungover I watch that that's the worst bit of he shows it to every date he's on is this good you like it good you're alright how do you feel about Guinness at weddings Every time I'm hungover, I watch that. It's the worst bit of... He shows it to every date he's on.

Is this good? You like it? Good. You're alright. How do you feel about Guinness at weddings? Like it or answer? I only watch the telly with Celica. I don't watch it on my own.

So, like, if I want to watch something, I want it to be there. I watch YouTube on my own and footy and streams, but if the telly's on, I want it to be there. Do you still watch terrestrial telly, then? No. Never. Never. Refuses to get digital. He you still watch terrestrial telly, then? Never.

Never. Refuses to get digital. You've got five channels. You know what I mean? Like live telly. We've got three of you. Live telly. It doesn't exist.

I can't. Honestly, film four. What's on there? Brilliant. ITV plus two. ITV two plus one. Do you not think the age of... Plus two.

Plus two. I've got ITV plus five. It's great. I've got all the time differences. Do you not think the age of streaming and the overwhelming amount of choice has ruined the enjoyment of watching stuff? Yes.

A hundred percent. Yeah. Like the simplicity of having five channels or like even the 50 that used to be with Sky where it was like, right, whatever's on, you watch. It made it easier to pick because now when you open Netflix or Amazon, it's so overwhelming.

I struggle to like pick something new and commit to it. I've started watching The Good Wife again. I've watched it through three times before. You picked the old one? And I know I'd love Yellowstone and I haven't started it. I've started The Good Wife again because I just want the,

it's just easy to make the decision. It introduces new films. But you're not watching it properly, are you? No, I'm doing slow. Who's on my phone all the time? Yeah, so that's fine because I've watched Rick and Morty a few times

and I'm not watching it, watching it. Yeah, Simpsons is like that. That's what I love film for because it was like nine o'clock, there's a film on. I might not know what it is

and it introduced me to loads of films. Dead Man's Shoes film four? You'd be like, I'll just put it on to you what it is and then you have to watch it and I've found loads of films

I love. It is hard picking a film now with Laura when we go, let's watch is and then you have to watch it and I've found loads of films I love it is hard picking a film now with Laura when we go let's watch a film tonight let's watch it together because you if there was only five

you'd pick one yeah you have there's so many options yeah you should join film club Dan we tell you what to watch yeah she won't do that if she doesn't want to watch a film

she's not going to be asked should we alternate it she goes tonight's my film and I go okay it's tomorrow's mine no we just we have to agree otherwise if I picked a film and She's not going to be asked. So we alternate it. She goes, tonight's my film and I go, okay, tomorrow's mine. No, we just, we have to agree. Otherwise, if I picked a film and she was like, oh, it's your choice tonight,

10 minutes in, I'd look across and she'd be scrolling. No, you're not allowed to do that. Yeah, because there isn't a law. If she does it, she does it. No, but she's being a cool person. Put your phone in another room. Watch my film.

Is that your wife to behave herself? You know what I mean? I watched your film. She can tell you. She watched mine. And then she goes, yeah, sorry. No, she doesn't give a fuck. And then you end up watching films you'd never watch like i watched la la land i've never watched it on my own but it's super yeah it's also that you don't get to chat about stuff because it's rare that everyone's watching something in a room and

everyone's like oh i'm on episode two don't spoil it whereas when it was on telly everyone watched it at the same time oh that's gone hasn't, hasn't it? That's gone. What a cooler talk. Yeah. Apart from the slow release stream stuff that they do, where they do it week to week. No, but even then, you could watch it on Monday and I might not watch it until Thursday or Friday. You have to be diehards to watch it on the release time.

Yeah. I've not watched Game of Thrones. I know what happens pretty much throughout. Everyone dies, everyone fucks each other, and then they all go and live in the forest at the end. Spoilers. It's a big battle. Fern Gully.

You're welcome. What? Who's that? That's the plot. Oh. Game of Thrones, I would recommend. If the last... That was such an age thing.

What? If the last six or seven episodes didn't happen, I'd be like, you need to watch it. But now I'm like, you need to watch it and then stop. But what's the last six or seven episodes and i'll be like you need to watch it but now i'm like you need to watch it and then stop but what's the point it's rude it's that's one of the things that's gone out of public consciousness whereas the sopranos hasn't and um how's it because of the ending it's just gone no one talks about game of thrones really anymore yeah because you fucked it do a little bit it's still held up as well and the best thing is always there's always that caveat of they they botched the ending like the die hard fans were like you don't watch game of thrones all do what carl does now where it's like don't really worry

yeah it's great to watch but you're not like what's gonna happen it's just like five years ago when did it end a few years ago about five years ago so five six years ago if you told someone oh i've never watched it, they'd be like, what? And now it's like, yeah, you saved several other times. Yeah. No, it's, no, hang on.

Some of the best television ever. Just because the last episode doesn't tie off, doesn't just completely ruin it. There's fucking parts of Game of Thrones that are unbelievable. There's no jeopardy if you know the end shit. We were enjoying it. It's like, fuck, what's going to happen?

But if you know, it's just bleh. Yeah they botched it but the Battle of Winterfell is still amazing. It's still up until just forget to watch the last episode. I think the last five episodes.

No the last two. Is it two? Battle of Winterfell is like three to go. How is it? Yeah it's unbelievable. They rushed it though. There's parts of it

that are insanely good. That ending is frustrating. It doesn't ruin seven series of... No. Totally. No. Breaking Bad did it well.

Better Call Saul did it well. There are things I can't re-watch. Breaking Bad I can't get back into because of Skyler. She's a dickhead. I never understand why everyone hates her that much. Such an annoying character. We need a break.

Let's have an interval. Welcome back to the Hathaway podcast, ladies and gentlemen. This is part three. We've got Simon Wozniak here with us. Whoa! Hello. I've been on once before. Went down fine.

Here's what I wanted to ask you. It's terrible, that episode, wasn't it? No, it wasn't. No, it wasn't. I know it wasn't. Here's what I wanted to ask you. And I nearly said this to you as you came in before. Yeah.

You're looking well, right? Thank you. But here's the thing. Don't feel it. Here's what I was about to ask you. Do people tell you when you're looking well? Because here's the thing. Here's my thought process, right?

I think this is your default. But last time I seen you you looked awful so you look well to me now so i but i think most people would see you looking awful and say nothing and then when you get back to this people are like oh he's back to normal where there's me like my default is like a fat mess so people always tell me i'm looking well when i go like right now stop you know you've asked me quite a lot for me to formulate a response. Because I've lost interest. But carry on, go on, do carry on.

Because I just struggle to try and... Right, so I look like this. Has anyone told you you look well recently? No. See, I'm right. Hang on, are we just talking weight or are we talking about health? Are we like...

Because people can go, oh, you look clear-eyed and well. Are you just talking about weight? No, I'm talking... Right, no, if any you look clear-eyed and well. Are you just talking about weight? No, I'm talking about... Right, no, I'm bad now. Like, I should be way better. Two weeks ago, I was really good. Because of just the ale.

I have difficulty putting into words my thoughts because there's so many things that I need to say. It's a pleasure to have you. Yeah, so what I tend to do is I'll tail off all the time yeah yeah yeah because also i lose interest in what i'm saying as well now just trying to get back to that point no i don't look as well as i could be give it two weeks three weeks if i manage to stay off the ale, I look a lot better. Like, no, I know. I bet Tory with Jamie Hutchinson's doing you the world of good there. Um, that's,

yeah, well, he's not bad. He's not bad for the ale now. Oh, is he being sensible? He can, he can,

he can, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I don't want to blow him up and that, but he can just go and leave. It's me and Fionn that,

we, we just go up, we're just there for a fucking party, aren't we? Whereas he's got to actually do his show. It doesn't matter what I do when I go up before him because he doesn't give a shit what I do. I don't really give a shit what I do. So therefore, I just go and drink a lot and try and get followers.

How many do you reckon I can get off this episode? Loads. How many? Watch it at. It'll be on the screen. Five and a half at the minute. No, watch it at. Watch your social.

Oh, at Simon. Oh, my God, he trailed off on his fucking handle there. loads how many what's your hat it'll be on the screen five and a half at the minute no what's your hat what's your social handle oh that's Simon oh my god he trailed off on his fucking handle there Simon Wozniak comedy you've got loads how many I'm going to follow him now

I don't know 2000 really yeah do you reckon I get 2k off this maybe do you reckon I get to 10 get to 10 I'll do an hour

that's what I want I'll do that because I need to do I need to do an hour now as well Simon just because I can't do this. How many have you got? They need to understand this isn't,

I'm not, being good when it matters is not funny. It's shite. You want to go and listen to the guy who fucked it all up? That's the funnier guy. I'm funnier now. My career's in the bin.

Like, that's funnier to me. Do you think the career was ever on fire two weeks ago no but there was a time two weeks ago when he was off the air yeah yeah

there was a time it looked like it could have gone then it went and crashed but now I think it's funnier the more you go on like oh I'll speak to Jamie about this

is how shit can it go before you have to go no we can't laugh at this anymore this is this is bad you've got to you've got to do something now i think we're all thinking of the same name what there's comics in my head who are exactly what you're describing right they're like they're like the dancing drum kids at school who never got bullied because you couldn't bully them. You have to go one level up. You can bully the one level up.

Right. I noticed the air blade doesn't work in the disabled bog and the mirror's a bit too low for my liking but anyway but I didn't think it was that sort of podcast. The mirror's low in because it's a wheelchair isn't it? That's a disabled toilet. Yeah but not all disabled are wheelchair. Low down?

No but like Some disableds are wheelchair. Low down? Some of them are huge. Was Andre the Giant disabled? Yeah. There you go, then. And one at the top and one at the bottom. The bear's shitting the wood, Simon. I don't know.

He doesn't need a disabled toilet, does he? He can just use a regular toilet, Andre the Giant. No, he can't. No, he couldn't. He had to shit in the bath. He had to shit in the bath and then he poured hot water. He was rich. No, because he couldn't fit anywhere. I listened to a podcast about it.

He had to shit in the bath. I think this is an excuse to get out of there with his message. He's come in pissed, shit in the bath. Seven foot five. He was well over seven foot. He kept growing didn't he and then he had to die yeah because he couldn't keep him couldn't oh they don't keep it up no they don't last they're true giants they're not they're not hitting 100 are they but also dwarves don't last that long either so there must be a hundred year old giant there must be like a happy medium he

made everyone sick on a plane by doing the world's biggest poo. People were gagging and crying. Struggling to breathe. Because of Andre the Giant? He did the world's biggest poo on an aeroplane. Is it a disability or is it a superpower? I also think it's really handy that the Guinness World Records were there

on the flight with him. Does that mean he was planning it in advance? Probably. World's biggest shit ever recorded in the sky. Simon, do you remember when I gonged you off twice at the same show? I do remember that. I was going to get to that at one point,

but I also need to go back to the way I look as well. I need to address the way you look. So, yeah, one, I look better now than what I have done. Yeah. I also had a nose job, which helped out as well. Oh, I need a fee breathing. Yeah, I had a sept septum deviated septum so i don't know it didn't help that badly because basically the surgeon said no you you can't have

a straight face to me after i was like fucking hell so can we talk because i need someone's advice i was gonna ask sean because he's had as well sean welsh oh yeah i need a rhino and a septoplasty did you know i need one oh yeah yeah definitely get it done yeah it's yeah so you just couldn't breathe through your nose couldn't breathe through one nostril no i need one oh yeah yeah definitely get it done yeah yeah yeah so you just couldn't breathe through your nose couldn't be through one nostril now i can't breathe through mine loads of people have got them but but it's just because it's not visible sometimes how long was the um recovery that's what was horrible i know uh well the way i did it is they just let it scab over and then i just couldn't like you think when they say you're not going to be able to breathe for a bit like they think oh i'll be able to breathe a little bit

through your nose but there's nothing for 10 days i was going mad i was lost a bit of weight though that was that was another thing that helped lose weight because you can't eat because you can't really be asked eating you can't taste it if you can't breathe not about the taste just how uncomfortable you are anything and i can't be arsed with this so you just sit there and just fester for 10 days if you cover your nose up you can't taste what you're eating you can you can't you can no you can't you can't yeah you know that he just does that's a blind taste test with his eyes your look my, my look. Yeah. Dan, do you want me to say boots and coat? If he put a coat on now, he'd walk around Sefton Park so easily.

That is boots and coat, rig out, what he's got on there. What's boots and coat? So we talk about like the South Liverpool people. Southport is South Liverpool. They've just put it up there. You know what I mean? Southport, South Liverpool.

Southport is South Liverpool. It's just... Spiritually. How often do you go for a walk and get up your coat and your boots? Never. Really? Never. He doesn't live the life.

He's just... I don't do anything. It's culturally appropriate. Like, I really don't... Right, no. So, this is disgraced Tory MP, scandalised Tory, whatever. This is what that look is.

It's Mark Hancock after he got fired, yeah. Like that, yeah. Oh, the press conference on the driveway. Well, sort of just, it's a bit Top Gear-ish as well, isn't it? It's a bit Top Gear-y. So, do I ever, no, no. I wouldn't go for a walk.

I'd love to go for a walk, but I just don't ever have the time or. We say, I'm going to get me boots and me coat and go rock on Sefton Park. What do you mean you don't have a time, have time to go for a walk. I don't have time to do anything. Why?

What are you doing? This is the problem. By doing nothing, I'm always doing something. Like, I've got to go and do a podcast after this, which I don't want to do. What podcast is it? Another one. Oh, your one?

Mine. Mine. You know what's weird? Oh, your one? Mine? Just use the audio from this and stick it on ours. I'm voice memoing up. Early access to have a word. I'd respect that so much. What if I voice memoed you on episode? Yeah, but I thought, oh, this'll probably interfere with the signals and that.

So I thought, best not. Go on, so when I gonged you off twice, do you remember? Right, yeah. I still need to get to the way he looks. No, go on. Go straight to how I look. You've gone for curtains now, haven't you? I've got long hair, yeah.

Curtains. Do you prefer that, or do you think you look better with the short back and sides? Well, Simon, I feel like you're going to tell me what you think. No, I just want to know what you think. I'm enjoying having the lingerie. I didn't wash it this morning, so I've put a cap on because it gets a bit greasy,

but I actually want it really long. I'm going for, like, Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves. May Mary. You're never going to get that long. What do you mean? How long do you think you're going to get to before you go? I want to get, like, Alan Rickman in Robin Hood. I don't watch films, so I wouldn't know. that long what do you mean you how long do you think you're gonna get to before you go like alan rickman in robin hood i don't watch films so i wouldn't know so you know alan rickman i don't

know anything you don't know anything no doesn't do anything this is why i'm so terrified about doing podcasts and stand up and releasing things and all that because i i have to like i said i Like, I said I was brave because, like, I publicly speak a lot and I don't know anything. And I'm like, if anyone calls me on anything, I'm fucked. Okay, so... Oh, yeah, we don't worry about that. If he invited you to a gig, yeah, this is what I'm going for. That's the dream, man.

And Carlo put it in here. Right, okay. They're like short Paulins, eh? If you invited him onto Mastermind, what would you pick? Oh. You have to pick something. You must have something that you go,

I actually know all that. What's your specialist subject? I was going to say The Simpsons, but I don't think I'm that. I think you're probably a bit next level to me than that. So we did it yesterday and I picked The Simpsons. I do think The Simpsons. Can I recommend 90s Formula One

if you want to look like a fucking numpty? You can't... This can't be you, can it? What are you talking about? I'd love you to look like that.

That is exactly what... That's the target. Right. There's no way. That fringe? Looks like Dan's fringe now. I think I might join you. When I've got hair,

this is where I might go. What's wrong with me going for that? So my hair went Hans Gruber. That's what I was... Again, it's another Alan Rickman. Yeah, but I don't want that. I want this.

No, and I didn't want Hans Gruber. That's where it went. So you don't really... Sometimes you can't really pick. Yeah, but I've spoke to me barber and he says I've got a perfect hairstyle like this. I think it's Alfie. You're looking like Alfie there.

He looks like that now. No, he doesn't. I don't think you remember what Alfie looks like. I do have seen him on Instagram. It's Alanie. You're looking like Alfie there. He looks like that now. No, he doesn't. I don't think you remember what Alfie looks like. I do have seen him on Instagram. It's Alan Brickman. It is. It's all... Nah, you were short back and sides.

That's what you are. No, it's not. You are that. Like, you can do that, but you are short back and sides. He's going back. Yeah. That's what it was.

That's what you are. I'm not leather jacket but I'll wear one because it looks shit and I'm like yeah sounds you did look like you were doing

like dice clay tribute oh yeah got gonged off at the other fucking show as well didn't I that was embarrassing that fucking hell I liked it

oh mate that was one of the most I was so pissed I don't remember it so it's okay the last dance yeah Jamie was my carer

that night that was bad it was but yeah I do remember that that was my carer that night. He's not as bad as it was. But yeah, I do remember that. That was embarrassing. So go on, tell us about the double gong that you... Did we not talk about this last time he was on? No. I think so.

So long ago. Me and Adam ran a gong show called... Beat the Gong. Beat the Gong. Oh God, yeah. Nice. We never got in trouble. We got a PR.

We got a PR team in. Do you know what we did? We made this lovely flyer and then put the address on yeah it's sad so uh you'll hear about it yeah

it was uh at Baby Blue they give us the Wednesdays uh to run our own night so one week it was an open mic new material night

for pro comics and there was like four comics whoever did it yeah and then the week after it was a gong show

and it alternated like that open mic new material gong show the next week and uh Simon was on after it was a gong show and it alternated like that open mic new material gong show the next week Simon was on but it was when Simon was new and he hadn't figured out yet how to sort of

talk how to make material out of his actual mind and ideas and he was he just wasn't he hadn't figured it out

yet and he goes on and he just fucking eats a bag of shit and they bomb like gong him off. But early in his set, he teased. He'd gone like, got this really good bit later about this meal deal anyway.

Meal deals, yeah, meal deals. So the cards go up and he gets gonged off and he goes, for fuck's sake, didn't even get to do me meal deal joke. And he goes off and I go back on and the audience go, let him do his meal deal joke. Come on, let him do his meal deal joke come on let him have to do his meal deal joke and he goes back on and then starts doing another bit that wasn't the meal deal bit wasn't it carl

just went yeah that's not the meal deal bit and he gonged him off from the sound i just pressed the is that what happened i pressed the music went get the fuck off right i don't recall by the way that meal deal bit got good it did get good eventually yeah yeah i remember that um i think it got good it reached it it got to the the bit of it was another gong show for hot water in this you know do you remember when they did the gong show that long room i don't know what it was like a little tunnel looking thing it's like a oh yeah yeah where was that 50 quid win where the fuck was that

I think Mike Carter beat me that night I don't remember I don't remember this when when have I been in a tour you wouldn't have

been doing it would you because you went on a season you went like I think you were beyond

gone by the time they started it was not far from Hope Street actually what wasn't far from Hope Street

where the fuck was that but anyway Roger Swift was on that night as well do you remember then he Roger Swift threw the mic at me Wasn't far from Hope Street. Hope Street. Where the fuck was that? But anyway, Roger Swift was on that night as well. Do you remember? And he... Roger Swift threw the mic at me. Roger Swift got gonged off.

And then Jenny's semi-pro and then fucked up. Screamed at the audience. Fuck the lawyers. You wouldn't know comedy if you're in the face. I'm semi-professional. And then as I was going on stage...

He's a good lad, Roger. He threw the mic at me. Semi-pro. What does that mean? In comedy? He's a good lad, Roger, yeah? He was the man, didn't he? Semi-pro. Oh, my God. What does that mean? In comedy? He's still semi-pro now as well. Means 50 pound gigs. I love your...

I can't really recite it properly, the drink driving bit. Oh, yeah. I smashed that water the other night. So fucking hell, like, bodied it. That's so funny. Yeah. No, because Stephen Cook's one of them.

I was like, fucking hell. Saying I'm not doing long after him. He's doing well here. And then I went on. I just fucking ripped it. It was great. New room? Yeah.

Black Stock is open, ladies and gents. Yay. Yes, mate. Done it twice already. The biggest purpose-built comedy club in the world. Literally, yeah. Yes. Fucking massive.

589. And there's been no media about it at all which is so hilarious there is now mate that Monday show was great like I was only there

for the start of it but like there was just a proper energy in the room it was really fucking good I'm glad they didn't get to stay in much the rest of the show

I had some stuff to go and deal with so if you don't know what we're talking about Hot Water have moved and it's been I mean it was meant to be like a year or so ago, wasn't it? But they finally got it open.

It's because it's just such a mammoth project that they've taken on. So Hot Water, as we knew it, has just evolved again. So in what, the fourth? Is this the fourth major move in 10, 12 years? Yeah. In the Hot Water sort of story? They've built their own Baltic market, essentially.

They've built their own food court and put the world's biggest comedy club next to it. It's only phase one as well. There's phase two, three. There's other things coming, there's other theatres. Like, the building is going to be, you can go there at nine o'clock in the morning and be there till midnight.

You can do so many cool things there. It's going to be ridiculous. Yeah. Amazing. But it was classy at night. Did everyone smash it the other night? No. No. Smith died. Did he, it the other night? No. No.

Smith died. Did he? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He tanked. He's on a bad run of form. He passed four or five years. Just never got them. Never got them.

So he struggled. Tony struggled. Jamie tried new stuff. Didn't really go well. Yeah, it's just basically show was over after I'd come off so um no no everyone everyone did fine what's it been like touring what's it been like touring with Jamie because you've been Jamie's tour support on every tour show haven't you all right so he did the autumn and then basically extended it. He's done essentially two massive tours

either side of Christmas. Yes, yeah. The hot water one was heavy. That was... Ten shows in four hours. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was, that broke him. That broke him and me as well.

But he had to go and do that. Yeah, that was tough. Did he have to do like three on a day or something? He did two, like two Monday, one Wednesday, two Thursday. But you need to understand that he and I don't like doing it really. So that's tough. Do you really not like doing stand-up? Even now?

I don't want to speak out of turn for him, but for me personally, no. I don't want to speak out of turn for him, but for me personally, no. I don't think... I think I just want to really just drink and eat and just do nothing. I want nothing to be something I can do. I want that to be an option. You want to be rich?

Yeah. Yeah. See, I go, like, this, look, this is... But you've worked hard. Yeah. There's no way I've got that in me. No way. I always have this existential crisis of it all.

What steps are you taking so that you can get rich? Do you know what I mean? Coming on here now, trying to beg for followers. But then I'd have to do a show and I'd resent that. And then I'd be like, oh, God. But then I'd go, oh, I then then i go oh i need to make that money and i go well if i make that now then maybe i can have a year a year or two off and then and then i think that's what you do until you get to 50 and you go that's enough now

i'm fucking done so i think you go one more year of making money one more fucking year one more year and then you're oh god right one more year then i'm off and then you and some people go yeah i'm i'm off and then they have a great God, right, one more year, then I'm off. And then you, and some people go, yeah, I'm off. And then they have a great life and just do nothing. And you get bored, I suppose. But I'd like to have a chance to get bored. Doing nothing is my favourite thing to do.

It's hard though. Very difficult. I'm bored of it though. Very difficult to do nothing. Yeah, but when do you get the time to do nothing? Not often, but that's why I love it when I do it. Exactly.

I'm talking about the work, like half an hour a week. Half an hour a week. He wants to turn pro with doing nothing. How much free time do you have? I'll work half an hour next week and see what happens. Answer that question. How much free time do you have?

What do you mean free time? Stuff where you can do whatever you want. I don't know. Right, so you finish it after this record now, what have you got to go and do? Well, it's the nighttime, isn't it? Yeah. Everyone's got their nighttime. Right, so you finish it after this record now. What have you got to go and do? Well, it's the night time, isn't it? Yeah. Everyone's got their night time.

Right, so what? That's so cute. Just a night time. And that's when monsters come out and I've got to be in my bed of bo-boys. We finish this podcast, we've got to have a meeting. I'll be home for six, then I'm going to the gym. I'll be home at eight and then it's eating and going to bed.

So where's me free time there? I haven't got any today. So you'll be home by eight o'clock. The gym is free time. Yeah, gym. The gym is free time. And'd be home by eight o'clock. Yeah, gym. The gym is free time and you're home at eight o'clock

and you don't have anything to do and you'll be up till at least, what, midnight, one o'clock? Probably midnight.

So there's four hours free time today. There you go there. Yeah. Right, and then what time do you get up? Tomorrow,

you're off. No, I'm not off. Do you know what, I'll do half an hour's work this week. Let's see how this fucking episode looks.

Right, okay, so tomorrow, what have you got to do? I'm gonna make this. Right, so how long does that take you? So I've got to edit it. Why are you doing this on the podcast? Listen.

Because I love admin on podcasts. I love talking about the admin. He's gonna quit live. No, he's not. The podcast finishes. He's fucking not though, is he? So how long does it take you? He needs to know how horrible this is.

I know yous lot like it, but like deep down something awaits it. It takes us You need to know how horrible this is. I know yous lot like it, but like deep down, someone in you hates it. It takes us long, usually a bit longer than the episode is. Right. So I'm going to take a break because sitting there for three hours,

whatever, is not good for anyone's head. Okay. So probably like four. Yeah. And I'm going to wait for it to export and upload. I'm going to get the thumb. I'm going to contact everyone.

I'm going to make the clips. I'm going to keep doing the socials because yous have stopped doing it. I'm not asking you what you've got to do. I'm asking you how long it will take. Oh my God. A day. Okay. That's my day until five o stop doing it. I'm not asking you what you've got to do. I'm asking you how long it will take. A day. And that's my day until five o'clock again.

And then what are you doing Friday? And then I'll have to come in and do a bit more. I want to finish everything on the Thursday. He does come in. Because you know when it comes up on the parking, it's been either that or he's driving to town. I know he does. I'm just winding him up

and I'm also trying to make a point. I know it feels like you are actually trying to get into it. More than the average person. Yes, I've got a bit more free time. 100%. I'm very privileged in that sense. Saturday you're off? Saturday I'm off, yeah. Sunday you're off? Yeah. You're the average person. Yes, I've got a bit more free time. 100%. I'm very privileged in that position. Saturday you're off? Saturday I'm off, yeah.

Sunday you're off? Yeah. You're not editing on Saturdays, are you? God. What are you doing Monday? This again. Right. And Tuesday?

Tuesday? This again. Don't. Next week I'll do half an hour's work and watch the group Lad What's going on here? Fuck off

So What about you? How much free time have you got? Oh he's always I'll join these for him Go on I do the clips and the subtitling

You do the clips in here? No I don't You do the singing and the guitar and that don't you? That's not part of this He writes his little music and that How have you started an appraisal? You've come on the podcast and the guitar and that, you didn't give. That's not part of this. He writes his little music and that.

How have you started an appraisal? You've come on the podcast and everyone's like, right, let's write down what you're doing. Because I want to know what the reality,

like, how much you can just do, to have four days off. Yeah. I could have four days off. To do nothing. I could, but I'd have to cram

everything into the third day. But I don't, I don't like to do that for my mental health because I don't want to do that. So I'll spread it over. Self care. Self-care. You go to the gym, yeah?

Yeah. Often? Try and go every night, but every other night, I've not. Go to PT. Was that a little flogging you built?

Yeah, the flogging. It wasn't. It wasn't. My body made a weird sound. It went... Cargo the gym. You're going to gym a bit now. I've seen you.

I'm so bad at it. It's great. I need to be on testosterone. What are you trying to do? Because you're doing the running. No. Yeah. I don't.

Why? Stupid. Why is it stupid? It's the easiest way to lose weight. No, it's not. Lift weights. Yeah, lift weights. It's better than running for losing weight.

No, it isn't. You don't lose any weight by is better than running for losing weight. No, it isn't. You don't lose any weight by lifting weights. Don't eat. What on earth are you talking about? You don't lose any weight by losing weights.

You lose weight by being in a calorie deficit which weightlifting cannot give you. You can get in better shape. What on earth? You're not going to weigh I love everyone's

fucking philosophies on losing weight. You can get in better shape because you build muscle. You don't lose any weight by lifting weights. We don't want to lose weight. Comment below every piece. That is absolute nonsense.

Auto nonsense. No, it isn't. Google it. I wouldn't necessarily say anyone needs to lose weight because you need to just change your composition. I'm in a calorie deficit by not eating, and I lift weights, and I'm losing weight. I'm not running.

You're losing weight because you're in a calorie deficit but not eating and i lift weight and i'm losing weight i'm not running you're losing weight because you're in the calorie deficit you're not losing the weight because you're because you're moving weight training my body's still moving i'm still burning calories so yes i am there's there's no amount of weight lifting can burn as many calories as cardio can i just i do the best way to lose more calories to burn more calories your body will get used to cardio and then it'll mean that you've got to do way more to get lose anything because your body will go

I need to keep the fat now yeah but that's not what I I want to get to a point and stay there I don't want to get to a point and have to keep losing weight I want to get used to cardio and also

cardio makes you go to fucking because you can fucking clap cheeks until the cows come home nah yeah so you look at Usain Bolt and you look at a saying ball and you look at

a marathon runner you reckon smashing better what who's smashing better you saying ball or a marathon runner uh a marathon longer because he fucking do you see his sex of sprints on a marathon you what are you seeing sex as a sprint on a marathon well you're not doing you're not doing fucking four hours worth yeah mo farah isah is. Mo Farah fucks. Do you reckon he fucks better than Usain? He fucks for longer than Steady Air. No chance. Mo Farah fucks.

Mo Farah fucks for hours, mate. Mate, he does. Who's he fucking? Sting. Is he? Sting? Yeah. Sting does tantric sex, doesn't he?

Wow, that was a mad shot. No. That would be quite the bit of celebrity gossip. Do you know who Mo Farah's shagging? St he? Wow, that was a mad shot. No. That would be quite the bit of celebrity gossip. Do you know who Mo Farah's shagging? Sting? Yeah, yeah. No, I think

Usain's does more than Mo. I think because he's more charismatic and, you know, tall and that, yeah. He's more charismatic?

He's just healthier looking. Is that like you've been on a date with both of them? You know what, I fancy both of them. Who do you think has got more charisma, Usain Bolt or Mo Farah? I don't know either of them personally.

I haven't shagged either. Okay, right. Yet. Just a sprinter then. The sprinter look. Tyson Gay. Tyson Gay, yeah. Yeah.

Are you a man? That's a name. I'd rather have the physique. Morris Green. I'd rather have the physique of Usain Bolt than Mo Farah. Yeah. 100%. Yeah.

What about Safa Powell? Just because I've got another one in my head. Right, yeah. So why would you not want to train to get like Usain? Because I think the ship has sailed on me being in the 100-meter sprint in the Olympics. Yeah, but you'd look better if you had a bit more muscle. Yeah, and I've started resistance training, yeah.

Now that I want to add muscle, I've started resistance training. So you've stopped the marathon stuff now, haven't you? No, I'm doing both. We're doing a cycle. You can do both. Simon, I'm mainly going to the gym

for the pre-workout, which is a pack of cocaine. Because you only get in... It isn't cocaine. Is it, though? I know you've made about this pre-workout. People talk about it. After you've had the pre-workout, oof, and all that. Oh, it's... Fuck off. cocaine. Is it, though? That annoys me about this pre-workout people talk about.

After you've had the pre-workout, oof, and all that. Oh, it's... Fuck off. If you're a drug addict, you'll love it. You only get in Mo Farah marathon shape if you're trying to, like, run two-hour marathons. I just want to get it done, so I don't need to be like that. Usain Bolt could run a marathon in the shape he's in if he trained for it.

And he could still look like he looks. So I want to look like Usain Bolt and fuck Mo Farah. And fuck Mo Farah. What? Do you want to look like Usain Bolt? And beat Mo Farah in a marathon. That's the dream. Who's in the fight? Usain Bolt. Yeah.

He beats Mo hands down everywhere. And I'm not saying just cardio is all you need for a good fuck session. Like, obviously, if you can pick a girl up and lash her down in the bedroom, they all love a bit of fucking... Oh, no, Mo can't pick anyone up. He gets picked up.

Yeah, he does, yeah. He's got little ankles, hasn't he? Yeah, he's with some swole women. Checking his, yeah. I love him, by the way. Swole. He absolutely... Oh, it's great.

It turns me off. Get me in a headlock and yank my dick off I'd love it be great what are you doing in the gym wait just staring at women

on steroids that's so good you're on steroids bad in it no hair on the steroids he's getting himself off his fucking head off his fucking head

pre-workout changed I'm getting healthier because you're doing what the the cycling thing yeah just I'm getting healthier. Because you're doing the what? The cycling thing? Yeah, I'm just getting off the cocaine. Are you not?

And cycling. And doing pre-workout. Dan's a recovering drug addict. Dan is completely incapable of getting high on life. Right, I know that, but then I don't know what stage you're up to with it. Because I'm trying to stop boozing. Yeah, how's it going?

Terribly. Yeah. But I've listened to that. You heard that book that Alan Carr, to stop boozing. Yeah. How's it going? Terribly. Yeah. But I've listened to that. You heard that book that Alan Carr, to stop you. Not Alan Carr the comic. There's a guy called Alan Carr who's wrote a book. And he basically humiliates you into actually drinking.

Like you think, God, I'm a loser. What's he saying to you? Just says it's just a confidence trick and there's no need to do it. And now I feel like I've got the tools to quit drinking, but I haven't because I just love it. That's where I'm at. Because I'm bored.

I'm bored. I'm bored. Alcohol has destroyed my entire family from top to bottom. Grandparents, parents, even me little brother's fucked with his drinking. Right. And I look at all of it and go do you know what that is awful it's an abhorrent substance and it can really fuck you and i love it

there's nothing to do there's nothing to do there's nothing apart from have a pint you can only go out and tower so many times you gotta go i've got to get pissed though yeah you can go to gym and you can go for an hour and a half maybe you can't like you can't go to gym all night you can't do a day session in the gym you can't meet your boys in the gym at 12 o'clock on a saturday people do though that's happening that's happening people aren't gonna drink as much now it's the same with smoking i think they know how bad it is and the younger people will go we're not gonna booze we can go out and not have a drink though it's not like a shite it's better than not doing it though so you're saying going to booze. We can go out and not have a drink though. You can't get any shite. It's better than not doing it though.

It's better than what? You're saying you can't go to the pub at 12 o'clock and see your boys? You can, you just don't have to have a pint. Yeah, totally. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're always there, aren't you? On a Saturday.

Me, you, we always go out. Meet midday, have a cup of tea. I always have a lime and soda. You're full of shit. If you go in the pub, and also, I don't want to. Do you know if I'm going to the pub, do you know what I want?

A fucking pint. Cause you know why? It's class. And why would you meet at the pub if you're not having a drink? It's like meeting at a restaurant and not eating. Watch the footy. What? Watch the footy.

It's weird, man. And I do that sometimes occasionally. I go to pub and have a Diet Coke and I sit there and I pretend I'm having a good time. I can do a load of shit. Do you do that? I'm watching everyone else have a good time being like, no, I can do this.

So do you rely on Ellen? I don't need it. What? So are you relying on alcohol? Am I relying on alcohol for what? To have a good time. In the pub? Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. Totally normal thing to be in a pub and need the alcohol to take it to its apex. Do you think you're an alcoholic? No. You are. Am I? Yes, good news.

You will be. Well, what's your definition well obviously my definition as well probably isn't yours but i think i am an alcoholic now but i know we think an alcoholic is two liters of body in the morning stop the shakes don't we that's what we think it is it's not but that's what we think it is no i think i can't sit there and just... You don't drink in the house either, which is a bit weird. Yeah. Why not weird? I think that's a good safeguarding measure.

Nah, people who don't drink in the house, I just think they're a bit... What are you doing? If Seneca gave me a bottle of beer, I'd be like, what are you doing? I'm in the house. If I want to go out, I'll have a drink, I'll go out. Why would you not drink?

I don't understand this. This is a big argument. I just don't... Why not? Well, this is why you're an alcoholic? I don't understand this. This is a big argument. I just don't, why not? Well, this is why you're an alcoholic and I'm not. Yeah. Yeah.

So I don't know why. So do you think it's only drinking in the house? Why not just give up booze? Because I like it. I like the social aspect of being, I'm never happier than like four pints in, in the pub with live music on me mates, ever. That is the best it gets. Between four and six pints with my in in the pub with live music on me mates ever that is the best it gets between four

and six pints with my friends in the pub is the best it gets and i wish you're not wealthy enough now to sustain that every day for the rest of your life because that's that's pretty much some people do but i also am fully aware that like if you just too much of a good thing you end up hating it no matter what it is do you know what i mean you don't stop at six pints, do you? No, that's the thing. If you could bottle that feeling of four to six pints, and be like, this is great,

but you can't. Either you have to put the whole night in the fucking wall and have a 17th pint, and that's what you do every single time, or you have to stop at six, but then the joy goes away, and you end up hungover on a night out,

and that's even worse. So the good option is always, I'm at six, this should be where we just go, this is great and we stop and it's all sound. But of course you don't do that. You go, I'm feeling good

and the reason I'm feeling good is I'm having this or I'll have another one, another one, another one. And then 15 in, you're pissing yourself in the boat hand and then you've got to go home and you're covered in your own shite but you've had a lovely day and the next day is fucking horrific.

I think it's best he doesn't drink at home. You know what I mean? Yeah. I think maybe that's a good little bit of... I drink with shots. I don't really drink...

I don't drink, like, pints like these. Oh, so you really are just there to get drunk. But then if I'm like, oh, I'm feeling a bit sober, a shot will just, like, top me up.

No, I'm not about that. I don't like... You see, I... I don't drink, though, but if I do, that's how I'll drink that i don't know you see i being i don't drink though but if i do that's how i'll drink i don't care like he drinks like like americans yeah yeah i like to be drunk and then i can control it i can go high with more shots and i can take a down by having oh that's weird i don't think you're a very good like you're not a normal example you know what you are you just you just got your head screwed on. You're in control of everything.

I know. I just will do it until I'm passed out. Just love it. That scares me. And at home as well. Yeah. More at home. Don't go out.

Don't have time, so I have to do it at home. Don't have time. I haven't got time to go to the pub for six hours. I've got to stay in and just fucking get drunk until I pass out I'm a lot better now than even I was

a year or two ago going I've had enough I'm going home I'm a lot better at that now yeah like I get

I often get like between six and eight and now I do actually go nah that's enough I'm done what do you drink at home everything wine

whiskey beer I don't really like whiskey I've just started doing it now because I just think that's enough, I'm done. What do you drink at home? Everything. Wine, whiskey, beer. I don't really like whiskey. I've just started doing it now because I just think it's about time I do it. I think I've got there now. I've started doing whiskey. I ate it. I ate it all.

I ate it all. Every now and then a beer tastes nice. You need to go and see a therapist, lad. Nah, I'm not doing that. Lad, you haven't got time. I know, I know. you haven't got time. I know, I know. I haven't got time.

My mate did therapy. He said, bollocks. They do it and they love it. He does it every day. Therapy's sick. Shite. It's not. It's fucking great.

You go in every week and she just looks at you and goes, you're doing really well. It's so good. You walk out feeling like, do you know what? Fucking I deserve it. Adam goes in for the confidence boost. Nah, you don't you don't need oh well you need therapy simon i walk out of therapy every week and go do you know what i've

earned the guinness yeah i don't need therapy for that i just go good hell lad you've done all right there how long has the longest you've been have you ever gone i'm gonna be sober i think i did a month in lockdown uh and my way to get through that is whenever i wanted to drink is just drink water or something until you don't want to drink until you actually you don't want to drink you are never mind never mind wanting to drink a lager it's like just drink a pint of water a pint of a guy you know what i don't even want to drink anything never mind a beer you've just you've just like basically stuff yourself if you got i want something to eat stuff yourself simon stop drinking the paddling pool i i did that i want enough drinks not the bad drink yeah yeah so you're just drinking up water the other I just don't want to do it anymore. That's so bad.

Yeah. That was shite. But no, I do like, I like, I like the ritual of a wine as well. And I get the wine and I have a few beers whilst I make meat. And then once, then once I've made the meat, finish the beers. Oh, on the wine. Then the whiskey, the whiskey is the end. That comes in and closes it. Fucking like that. Gone. Can't follow the whiskey the whiskey's the end that comes in and closes it fucking like that gone you can't follow the whiskey the wine can't follow your wine is solid middle but it cannot

close the gig yeah so i wouldn't start on a wine at four that's just savage so are you a kip on the couch then yeah just gone wake up. Wake up. Wine is Freddie Quinn. It's too dark to open with but fuck trust that it'll go on at the end. But I do love the wine.

You can't have the wine and then beer. Or sometimes I mix it a bit but whiskey, once that's out, not having anything after that. Do that until I've done.

The only drink I've ever had at my house was a French martini that we made at John's. And I also hate whiskey as well. What? We have French martinis of people around. Oh, so you've got...

See, you're like my sister. You're going to get into a realm where you just have a nice thing and you know how to put spreads on and you know how to do stuff. Charcuterie? Yeah, and you're going to be able to host. You'll know how to host when you're 38.

Properly though, like properly. You'll be carving meat and everything and people will be dipping things in and you'll just know what you're doing. Whereas I'm like, I can barely make one meal without going like, I can't do this. And they'll be like,

you make tea and be like, I know it's going to take you two hours to make a bit of chicken and chips. Because I can't. And I'm just getting bladders in the kitchen. Can I just say, as Simon Wozniak, dinner boy, he sounds fucking grateful. Chicken and chips.

Two hours. And then a bottle of whiskey each. Look how fucked the chicken is on the cup! Just have a fucking... 35% to leave the JD and shut the fuck up! What do you want from me?

Hula hoops! If you were going to host a dinner party what would you do? Three courses? It'd have to be steak, innit? All three courses? Steak and hula hoops. Sounds good. What would I do?

Three-course meal if I had to cook something? Just go M&S and eat something up. That is already for your third steak. You cook well. You cook... This one's a little different. You want me to buy and fill it? There you go.

It's your fucking meat. Eat it. I made a lovely chicken satay last night. You make good. You look all right, you. But you use onion. I don't do onion either. I like Indians, but I can't have Indian as well

because that fucks me. You can eat Indian. You couldn't eat an Indian, could you? I can. I mean, I shouldn't, but I can't have Indian as well, because that fucks me. You can eat Indian. You couldn't eat an Indian, could you? I can. I mean, I shouldn't, but I do. Remember in fucking Edinburgh flat? Oh, yeah. Every day.

Just one time, I just woke up and went to the bathroom and went, what the fuck has happened here? I always forget we lived together, you know? Yeah, yeah. I think I blocked it out. I think that month just is out of my head. What year is this?

What year is this? 2019, do you reckon? Or 20... 2018? 2018, maybe it was 2017. It must have been the year

I did Ghost, that's 2019. 2019, yeah. Me, you and Daniel Muggleson. Yeah, yeah,

and we never saw, well, you two saw each other, I never saw Peter. I saw you once when we got there and then I think that was it and then I gave you a lift home.

Because I'd come home late. She didn't give me money for. Like hammered. I'd come home late and hammered, right? It was a joke. And just got caught a bit short going to the toilet, and I just got a little bit of poo on the floor, right? And in me drunk and stupid,

I tried to clean it up, and he just put in the house what's happening the next day. I don't know who's done it, but I'm like certain there's stupid shit. Probably go back and get that message in the messenger group.

I was like, the fuck's going on in there? And then Muggleton was like, I don't know why, what's up? And then you admitted it. And I was like, oh, he's admitted it. These things,

I'm not getting blamed for whatever's happening there. Did you know, did you, I mean, you have an idea it wasn't Muggleton. This was for whatever's happening there. Did you know, did you, I mean, you had an idea it wasn't Muggleton. I didn't know he had IBS or anything.

This was long before it was documented, do you know what I mean? Yeah. He just pooed on the floor. Yeah. I didn't tell anyone either because I thought

maybe he doesn't want anyone to know. Because I'm a nice person, I just thought, he might not want the whole world knowing, like he's just blue shit everywhere, so I thought, oh,

I just won't say anything. But it did taint the rest of the time spent there getting clean, like, just didn't know where shit was or anything like that yeah well one of them in it gives a shit i didn't know you were that bad on the aisle yeah so you know so you know you're bad then yeah yeah okay cool which is why it also feels like it's not a problem and that's not do you know you once once you've admitted it you have to then put some you know measures into effect though hey well you you've really you you don't do it and like if you're crashing a plane you go don't worry this plane's crashing you can't just be like you know what i've said it i've

admitted it let's just leave it yeah it's the first step but there needs to be like, you know what? I've said it, I've admitted it. Let's just leave it. Yeah, it's a fair step, but there needs to be like five more after this. Yeah, and I'll get there eventually. One day I reckon I will not, I'll be a teetotaler. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'll be dead otherwise. When I'm dead, yeah.

Yeah, he's teetotal, he's dead. You know what, Simon? He's teetotal.'s dead you know what Simon he's teetotal he's finally off the air he's really cleaned his act up since he's been you know do you reckon it can take your edge off

if I stop drinking don't tell him that man I do don't tell him that I ask them every booze is like yeah fucking woodcut no because I've said

on my podcast I always have to say it now because obviously we're doing this now constantly chatting all the time I'm concerned to sound like a broken record

do you ever feel like that yeah just every time I speak to anyone that isn't like I have to go oh I've said this on my podcast

everything I say I'm like ugh no one fucking listens to it anyway and I'm just sometimes in my head I go because I've been around people who've started saying things that I've heard on a podcast and I've just pretended to be like No one fucking listens to it anyway. And sometimes in my head I go,

because I've been around people who've started saying things that I've heard on a podcast. And I've just pretended to be like, oh, it's the first time I've heard that. But I've heard that before. Do you know what I mean? Shut up. On a Monday at Hot Water, Rob Thomas said to Rachel Fairbairn, like, how much would it cost for someone to come in and buy all killer, no filler,

and just you don't have to do it anymore. Just buy it outright and give you the money. She was like, I don't know. And I went to Rob, what about you? And he was like, I take 500 quid, and we'd never do it again. And I was like, are you still on the same bank details? I was like, I'll give you that.

That's all it takes. Five tonne, that much? Fuck, you know? Would you reckon you'd lose? And you'd kick start if you get that. Do you reckon you'd lose your edge on stage? If I didn't drink? Because, like, stage and all the total.

Is he? Yeah, and you can physically see it. That's not nice. It's sad, isn't it, when you hear someone go T total? It is sad. Let's just qualify that. He was when he was in. Oh, sorry, yeah, when he hosted six weeks ago.

Yeah, six or seven weeks ago. And I went, so how long have you been? And he was like, four and when he hosted um but that was like yeah six or seven weeks ago and i went so how long have you been he was like four and a half weeks yeah but he was talking like it had been a good two years yeah i mean he might he might be off the wagon yeah but in drinking time four and a half weeks is two years yeah he's he's seen totally different yeah yeah i reckon i'd be a much happier person and i reckon i'd be better. I think eventually one of my plans is also to get in massive, real good shape and then eventually not have to do a stand-up and just be like an Instagram model,

but then that's dying off now. So if I ever get in shape, I'm thinking, well, that's one thing I think looks good. Just get paid just to get your photo taken. Yeah. You wouldn't have to do stand-up or speak out loud. It would be amazing if you could do alcoholism and that at the same time. Well, you can't, can you, though? You have to drink te-up or speak out loud. It would be amazing if you could do alcoholism and that at the same time.

Well, you can't, can you, though? You have to drink tequila, tequila and soda, and you can do it. I've looked into it. Do you ever want to get in real... Have you still got a little thing of one day or are you gone, like, of getting in real... No, but, like, real shape?

Yeah, I'm going to do it before India. You're going to get, like, actually jacked? Yeah. And you reckon I'm going to do it before India. You're going to get like actually jacked. Yeah. And you reckon that's going to happen? I'm going to be a lot more shredded than I am now. I'll tell you that for nothing.

Shredded wheat, they'll call them. But how long, you've never been that though, have you? No. And that's not who I am.

No. But it's who I'm going to be for a bit. With the long hair and that. Yeah. And then when you get there, I'm just going to get like, Jack Finnegan is going to take an unbelievable amount

of press shots that last me for the rest of my life. Like I'm still going to be torn when I'm 65 with them press shots as the tour poster. But then when people come and see me, I'll just be like fat mess again. Six pack Alan Rickman is going to be doing some fucking bits on that. You're going to get tats. What? That's the next one,man is going to be doing some fucking bits online you've only got tats

what that's the next one isn't it you've had your teeth you've been doing your day me Jack and Alfie nearly got a tattoo the other day we nearly all got the same Winnie the Pooh on our arm

I know where it's from it's from the toilet why it's a reference on the toilet isn't it yeah it's a little in joke between us I can't knock you I've got a dead pig on my arse

so but a Winnie the Pooh was a first tattoo yeah that's I can't knock you I've got a dead pig on my arse but Winnie the Pooh was the first tattoo yeah how many tattoos have you got erm one

on my bum dead pig on his bum that he suffocated with a spade and some poo said it on the pod before mate right

pod reference Dan killed a pig and flung it into a pile of manure and it suffocated to death. What? I tried to do a mercy killing a couple of weeks ago. That's too much for me to get into.

If Dan's not mind sweeping, he's killing pigs. So you're... How long were you on beak for? What? Well, I don't want to talk about it because I don't know whether... Do you talk about it on stage now or what? Since 2002 till January 20th.

See, that's never got me, that. This year. Coke's never... I'd almost think, would I be better off with that one? No. Which would you say is worse? In terms of what? Like, would you rather... I'd rather have a problem with cocaine

than a problem with booze yeah i've did a whole bit about this in my special right just because cocaine isn't everywhere it's not available and when people go it's available everywhere that's hyperbole yeah it's not i can't go to my nana's with i fancy a line but you could go to your like relatives and go oh, she's into it. I've had to stop seeing her. But don't you have to keep... See, I didn't realise until a few months ago that you need to keep doing coke throughout the night, like every half an hour.

I didn't know that. Which is quite useful, to be honest with you, because I think if I did, I could have had a real problem on my head. You were doing it once and going this is shite. Yeah, because it also made me anxious about getting caught. What I'm getting from this is nowhere new. The idea that if I was in the bog sniffing coke and then

the bouncer steams in and kicks me out. I go, I don't like this enough for me to do. I always ended up needing the shit with it as well. I don't know whether it's because it's laxative or it's because of the anxiety, but I'm like, oh, I don't like this. It's okay to make you poo. Yeah. Does it make you shit as well?

I mean, it depends, yeah, through a combination. I always shit myself. It's a common side effect. Because they cut it with like baby laxative and it's exciting. Yeah. Yeah, that's a well-known thing. Wouldn't it be better for everyone?

Here's a noob question as a non-drugsman, generally speaking. You know the way cocaine's cut with all sorts of shite? Mm-hmm. That stuff. And the reason they do that is so that, like, when they sell you the bag, it looks like you're getting more than you are.

That's what it's for, isn't it? So they can stretch the batch and get more money out of it, yeah. But, like, everyone knows they do that. So wouldn't it be better if they just didn't do? So they can stretch the batch and get more money out of it. But everyone knows they do that. So wouldn't it be better if they just didn't do that, gave you the pure stuff and was like, listen, it's the same price as the old big bag? Have you seen a medical?

They do. Dealers do that. Dealers are like, we've got this A-grade stuff and that's 100 a gram. That is still cut. It's just less cut. But why don't drug dealers just be more honest? So, yeah, because we've never dealt with the drug dealers that do do that. Do do.

Do do. There are proper high-end drug dealers who'd be like, this is 500 a gram, and it is, like, de facto rating of 500 a gram. Celebrities, the A-listers are probably getting a good share. Yeah, there is a high, high-end. Have you had that? No. I'm not going to touch one of them.

Oh, right, yeah. Not anymore. Just Google it. High just google it high high end have you not seen a medical gangster he gets the best shit and makes it the cheapest and then everyone else just doesn't exist and he owns it all there are there are high end there's very bespoke wealthy where so like keith richards from the rolling stones has been on heroin for fucking years hasn't he apparently right but it's not he's not buying smack around the back of spa like it's you can get it from these high high end right for most people it's 50 60 quid a gram and it's just cheap yeah but they try and go but this is the really good stuff yeah yeah yeah yes you do not know what's in it that's the argument with legalization

as well isn't it is that if you if they legalize it they control it and it'd be better for people there'd be less dodgy side effects that's the same for all drugs yeah yeah like if they made sausage rolls illegal like they'd be full of fucking shite in about five minutes wouldn't they and everyone would be having a house tax on them five minutes well i'm interested to know what what i got this sausage rolls got baby laxatives what that would be like that what would how do you what do you think what would be the difference between that 500 pound a gram versus the 60 pound a gram yeah you would longer high or no you just you'd need less you need a lot less and it would probably be a better and you would need to shit

yeah i don't know i don't know pay a premium for shit? Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I think you'd pay a premium for that. I don't know. What is a Lamo hide? It's like laser focus. Is that wrong? No, that's not wrong. No, but it's not like, hey, I'm fucking, I'm here,

I'm alert, and I'm feeling everything. No, like confidence, self-assuredness, and energy. Like, there is a bit of focus with it, I'd say, yeah.

It's like having a Red Bull and a hype man at the same time you're your own hype man yeah while it's sort of poisoning your whole body yeah

that's the Red Bull so you get full of energy and you've got something over there just going disrespectful this there man they know his shit I would love that

I would pay 500 quid if it, like... If Flavio Flav just came out. I have done it. Good lad, good lad. You've got all my estimations there. I thought you'd never done it then. No, I've done it. I just think it's shite.

Yeah, it is, yeah. I just don't get it. No? Do you know why I don't get it? Because I love ale. Yeah. I love being six points in. And what that does to you

is make you feel like you're back to one. I'm like, that feels like the last two hours have been a waste of time. What? Does anyone do anything here that makes them feel good without hurting themselves? Getting sucked off.

Getting sucked off by his nan. What is that? What's an example of that? I don't know. I'd like to know. Maybe go... I often say, it's not like being a joke or anything,

but I do love going on roller coasters. Not trying to be funny or something. Because I don't like being funny either. It annoys me. But I do think when you go on the Oblivion, it is fun, but it takes ages. This is why he's got no time.

I'm at Alton Towers, lads. It takes ages. Oh, lad, fuck the lemon. I want to go on a roller coaster. You go on nine rides in a day. That's not enough. But it's fun. Fucking love going on roller coasters.

The Pepsi Max, though, I don't like that one. Oh, we spoke about that recently. Terrifying that, innit? And it broke again. It's a good idea. Did it? People have to walk down. Oh my God.

I watched a thing, a film. Funny that. I watched a film called Fall where these two girls climb up a tower. I've seen it. Seen it?

Yeah. What do you think? It was shite. Shite, yeah? Yeah, it was shite. Yeah, that was it then. By the way, loads of people got in touch

and went, it doesn't get pushed around as it's going around. It is just inertia. I can't believe it's got that much momentum. That's wild. What? We just had a discussion about roller coasters.

Oh, yeah. And the only mechanized movement is up to the top and then the rest is just the energy from the drop. I thought it was going to have a little bit of a push. I didn't think it'd be able to get all the way around with just momentum. Pepsi Max goes around on momentum. No, what about like the Nemesis?

That's not all going around off just dot one first four. I don't know, maybe it's different for different ones, but the Pepsi Max. And with that, I can't hear. I can't hear. I can't hear. Let's have a break, eh? Come on, let's round this shite off, eh?

Come on. Get it over and fucking done with now. This could be throwing petrol in a fire with Wozniak, but we're going to do some pet peeves. That doesn't have to, my head in. Many little pet peeves. Main one, main one. People that don't move forward in the drive-through.

What, when there's space in front of them? Put the order in, go forward a bit. I can't get there, but there's about fucking for me to space in front of them? Put the order in. Go for it a bit. I can't get there. But there's about fucking from me to you in front of them. I can't get in. They're sitting there like fucking on the phone. You think, I can't.

And then some other cunt comes on the left. They get there. They get there before you. They get there. You know there's always one lane in Maccies that they don't go to. It's usually the outside lane gets piled off. Well, I don't. I've been stung so many times.

I've gone and I've seen two, three sometimes cars go and I've gone. Yeah, no, it scares me. It's too tight for me, Alois. I have to go wide. Otherwise, I'm not doing it. Same sort of thing as when you're at like traffic lights and someone's turning right and they don't move like to the right of the lane.

Oh, but there's something I love doing though so i loved it so if i'm so say there's two lanes one goes straight ahead one goes straight and right but there's obviously traffic coming that way so you gotta wait like you say if i'm first i'll drive in that one and put my indicator on yeah and then see the people in the queue behind me all going left, left, left and then straight on. Fucking love that. You can see everyone dipping in and out and I'm like, oh, they don't know. I go, whoo! And they're like, you fucking novice.

The worst thing, but it's also a good thing, Joe, when there's two lanes in the Mach-E's and it's meant to be like a zip in it. You, you, you. But then like two and then someone tries to go through and you're like, why? I'm gone.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. And I'll crash into you, mate into you will you but if i get the chance to be that guy i'm fucking taking it as well yeah but that just means you've got managed that they've neglected the other queue and you've managed to nip through yeah i know but it's also a bit of a dick move take every advantage you can get in traffic it's the wild wild west none of us are friends if you are already like if you're in the at the angle because you're coming in already, like, if you're at the angle because you're coming in from the second lane and you're at the bumper of the car in front, and clearly that guy has just ordered

in the queue that goes straight forward, he's ordered after you and then tries to take that position, I will kill everyone in that queue to not give up that spot. Of course. It's the biggest cunt move. Cunt move ever, yeah.

Like if I'm faffing around or if it's even equal, then yeah, it's a race to that. I get it. But if someone is already there and you're like, yeah,

but what if I just fucking force in? You're the dick, aren't you? Yes. Yeah. But you're saying if there's a bit of like, if they're being hesitant,

then fuck them. Say like there's a car gone and you're both ordering and he just orders a second before you. He's like, I'm going to go. But it's my going. Right. Yeah.

I get it. But then also I get it as well. I have literally been in that thing where you're like, this is all very orderly. Like I'm clearly, even though I'm coming in at the angle, clearly I was here before you. When they get aggressive with it, like this is out of my nature.

I'll damage both of our cars because you're a vehicle. I will crash. I'm usually pretty passive, but fuck that. I've never seen people crash. I've never seen somebody do that. I mean, you only get half a second, but then your one was first. I have been that guy where you're like,

it's so obvious, and I haven't left a gap. What am I doing? It's pretty the the like they're going straight up as if to get in that space fuck you yes oh it drives me mental what happens if you break down in a mackie d's queue by the way once you're like i did once did you you push you out do you realize that they realised the other day do you have your electric car brakes down they have to come and lift it up on a thing you can't push it

so if you're in a lucky car you're fucked fuck oh because it damaged like the motor yeah a fella came to me to do the building

he was like yeah I've got a lucky car fucking hell and then he broke down and we had been fucked we were going to a tour the other day and some fella

was just broke down in the middle lane of the M6 and it was just fucking carnage he was just in the middle lane of the M6. It was just fucking carnage for a lot. He was just in the middle lane of the M6 with his hazards on. Just this Asian fella just sat there like that.

And it took us about 25 minutes to get to him. And then we drove past. And as we drove past, he's just like watching other cars go past. He's just like, he stayed in the car. What are you going to do? What's he meant to do?

Get run over. Hang on. Yeah, you need to get to the hard shoulder. You need to get the fuck out of the car. Like, well, let's hope everyone works it out. What, walk past the fast lane? No. Go.

If you get stuck in the middle, don't get me wrong. That is not going to be easy. If you break down and you're like, oh, my God, the car stopped. But you can't just stay in going, I'm safer in here. It was the M6 on a Friday. No, I know. On half term how fast does your car have to break down though for you to not to be able to like how quick i'm an optimist

just keep going surely you can feel it going down you go like there's no engine coming i'm gonna get just indicating go like i maybe there'll be a hill i'll use the and i'd i'd have to get out and i know i know what you mean. It's dangerous. But it feels way more dangerous staying in. But how are you getting out? What are you doing? So you're in the middle lane.

That's going to be so fast. You're in the middle lane. By the way, the lanes aren't so tight that you're like open. You can get out a little bit. And surely if there's loads of traffic building up, it's not going very fast. No, there's a build-up back there, isn't there? Because everyone's like going round him.

Yeah, but at the point of him, you're not going fast then. No one's stopping for this. M6, I'll be left not there. And he's up the worst table. I'm telling you right now, it was impossible for him to do what you're saying. He had to stay in his car.

But he's fucked it by just breaking down in the middle lane. Like an absolute maverick. Like, no, I didn't. This doesn't turn. Yeah, trying to get across. Trying to get across. That's hard. No, you go across two lanes.

If you get out of the car, if you get out of the car, and you've got one lane. Is this in the daytime? You've got the driving lane. You've got the driving lane. You're telling me that if you got out and started waving someone and be like, flag that. And then you have to get- You've got rush hour on Friday. You're telling me that if you got out and start waving someone and be like flag that, and then you have to make two and a half yards, three yards.

They're literally doing 98 miles per hour. Yeah. I'll have to run you over on principle, lads. It's rush hour. In my truck. I'm whacking people off here, mate. Come on. I can't stop.

I'm giving out jobs. He could not have got to safety. I could have got to safety. No,. Come on. I can't stop. I'm giving out jobs. He could not have got to safety. I could have got to safety. No, you couldn't. I've got Twitch. You might still be there. You literally could be. I honestly think the AA are like,

that's on you, mate. I'm not going to get you there. How could we possibly get to you? Here's one. So on goth phones, on Apple, it goes, oh, there's a blockage up ahead. And it says, is it still there? Yes or no?

And I'll press yes, no matter what. Yeah. I do exactly the same thing. It could be not a car in the side, like, yeah, it's still there. Hang on. So on Waze, it goes, hey, there's police there. Do you do the opposite?

I don't get police. I just get the blockage. On Waze, it goes, hey, there's police. And it goes, are the police still there? Do you go, nah go nah nah they're gone oh I put yes oh fuck the airmates man I don't press either

is it still going on yes it is I've got another driving pet peeve that's been annoying me recently when the person in front of you lets someone go that's fine

but it's then when that results in you missing the lights not getting the light I will drive through the red light. I respect that. Someone who's like, you know if you're at a junction

and someone lets someone go, fair enough, if there's been a bit of traffic and you stopped and then you won't let someone out for the junction. Do you know what will make me genuinely homicidal? And I think it might be the reason I end up going to prison for life. There's nothing behind you.

No, not even that. Is when you're on like a main road, right, and someone comes to a junction with it, and we haven't stopped, but the car in front of me, just really nicely and politely for that person, stops for no other reason and goes, go on, mate.

So that's bad driving. It's terrible driving. It will make me, like, honestly, if we had guns in this country, if I had a shotgun in my car, so many people would be dead. And you know what's the worst about that is? When there isn't another car for ages behind you

and you're like, if we'd have just gone, if we'd have just kept going, it's so dangerous doing that. If someone lets someone out and then them two cars go through the red light, I will just go, me too. Also, when someone- That's a shitty way to get three points, isn't it?

I make sure I check the cameras and stuff. Also, when someone lets two people out- You ever had that? Yeah. When someone lets two people out- Oh, we'll all just sit on the road for the day. I'm having a good day. You let one person out and then you move.

Are you a letter outer though? Yeah. Turned on the mood, I mean. Yeah, but you don't get a good mood. And then if the second person comes, you go. Sorry, mate. You can wait there for the rest of time for all I care. It's not one car, one car.

It's a zip. Yeah. No, it isn't. It's one car, three. Be cool. I'm not letting one. It's one, one. No, it's one.

No. Oh, it's one, one. The person in front of me lets someone out. I might fuck letting the next person out? I'm already one back. Fuck off. Some people will sneak it, though, won't they, if you let one in.

Yeah. The next person in there. I'll crash into you. I'll lose both of our no-claims bonus here, sir. Max Benson says, on a driving one, when some thundercunt drives into a petrol station the wrong way,

so he's the only car facing that way and fucks up the queue done it yeah i've never done that but i've seen it it's it's so annoying but whatever depends if you've got long hoses and you can you can just pull it around can't you but what no but no oh drives in whatever side the petrol station is on the the cars are meant to fill the first entrance do you know what I mean? if you drive in and out if you are on the other

side of the road the first entrance not the way you come in you go to the second one because that's the way it's meant to go otherwise you fuck everything up

if you've got two cars in the petrol station one's facing one way one's facing the other what is happening there? there can't be a queue because someone's gone well who's in the wrong the person who's in the wrong it's the side of the road that you come in on yes right but it depends no it doesn't depend it doesn't depend if you're crossing a lane you need to come round and back not in you've driven

across a lane into the wrong way yeah so if you're on the other side of the road to the petrol station that first entrance which is like that's my that's the first isn't that's the second you need to go to the far one to come round there's a you following this yeah biggest problem is people driving into the exit but sometimes it's not it's not shown as an exit it's just common sense right biggest cut move is people who park when there's four. People park in the first one. The one in front moves, and then they go shopping. You can't move your car.

You can't have two people on the same pump anyway. What do you mean? Yeah, one... No, there's pump, pump, pump, pump. There's someone in front, so they go behind them and fill a car. That person drives off. Oh, yeah.

And then you're behind them, but they've then gone fucking shopping. You can't wait behind them. What are they meant to do? Get your petrol and then park up in the shopping. You're not meant to do that. Why? I've done it, and they've gone.

You do that? Yeah, you're not meant to. The person can't use the pump until you've paid for the pump anyway. So you walk in and go to M&S and everyone has to just fucking wait? Yeah. Wow, what the fuck? Yeah. Yeah. Wow.

What the fuck? It is annoying. It's annoying, but there's no alternative. You know what you're going to be shopping for? I've gone in recently and gone, excuse me, can you move your car? While she's doing an M&S shop when there's a queue of three behind you.

She's like, why? I'm like, because you're in the first pump and she had to go right. Yeah, that's you being a cannon. What time are you going though? You're too busy. She's doing a shop. This is why he likes roller coasters. She's not getting shoes. It's more order. she's doing a shop this is why he likes roller coasters it's more

it's a shop though she can't be doing that she had a basket in m&s that's yeah right okay yeah but pay for your petrol then move your car pay for the petrol go back out get out the way and then go get out the way oh sorry she's buying a fucking olives isn't she i'll just go on my phone for a bit yeah no no that's that's fine but it depends how long she thinks she's gonna be in there for 10 minutes carl you need to go to a purist petrol station where it's literally fags fucking national lottery cigarettes And it's cigarettes. Sometimes I forget what podcast I'm on.

Well, the new ones with no people. It's just pump, pay a pump. Yeah, the future. Do you pay a pump? No. Fuck that. I don't believe it. Yeah, of course. Fuck that.

No, fraud. You end up paying for everyone. Nah. What? Nah, don't do pay a pump. Oh, I love it. Seven grand to pay for everyone. Someone's trying to mug me up. don't do pay. Oh, I love it. Seven grand I pay for everyone. Someone's trying to mug me up.

Don't do it now. I had one experience where I thought, hang on, I don't know what's going on here. I pay cash to a woman called Linda. There's been notes, all this. Now, pay a cashier or I'll find another one.

I only came here for the fags. Do you have any petrol stations? Do you use one? I've got one petty station. Yeah, yeah. I use Tesco because of the club card, but I don't really see any profit from it. But like,

I only use that one. Do you hear about the fella who got himself a cool million pounds? I think it was like Eddie Stobart or something. He got what? So, this fella was a truck driver for some company,

right? And obviously, he's just fucking, day to day, he's like, he's just driving around, fucking. Took the indicators on the whole time.

This wheel's getting big. getting big just doing his shit and er he goes into the head office one day and he's like I can save this company like 20 mil

a year it's like a really big like haulage company and he's like but I'm not telling you now unless you give me a million quid he's like

if I if this if I can prove to you that it'll save you all this dough, I want a million pounds and I'm retiring. And they were like, ah. Is that all he wanted? It's all he wanted.

Because he felt like that was like, they're not going to say no. Do you know what I mean? Right. So he goes. Not worth a million. He goes, I'll tell you. Not though, is it? And they just climb it.

Go on. He goes, I'll tell you. And then you just have to like, sort of. So they're intrigued. And they're like, go on. So they fucking get a contract and he goes you should only allow

the drivers to fill up at Sainsbury's he goes I've been driving around the country for years they're always like on average

the cheapest and we're allowed to just fill the petrol up anywhere so I'm going to fucking Shell and BP and that and it's always like

20 pence cheaper at like the Sains. And it's always like 20 pence cheaper at like the same, it's always cheaper. We're just like- The HGVs fill up. Whatever. They have their own lane. Truck driver, whatever.

Yeah. So they went silent and he got a million quid and retired. And they changed their policy. So his million pound idea was to go where the fuel was cheaper. Literally. But it worked.

And this haulage company... I hadn't thought of that. No. Right. Fucking good, that, innit? Hey, Eddie. Stop thinking. It's mad, that.

Sainsbury's. How mad's that? Wait till we go to Costco. Sainsbury's was the cheapest. Definitely got the milk first. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Before he even gave them the idea. Yeah, it sounds like this company might have done.

There's a million pounds. There's a million quid. There's a million pounds. And you tell us within the week. There's a million quid. Tell us your idea, John. Just fill up at Sainsbury's. Make that company policy.

John, that's already company policy. Ah, that fucked it, mate. Anyway, come on. What? Air in the tyres? There's another million. These have been making a flappy sound and fucking go. They don't go fast. What? Air in the tyres? There's another million. These have been making a flappy sound and fucking go... They don't go fast.

What? Roads? You're a fucking genius. We've been driving these fucking articulated lorry in fields. That's the crow flies. Jesus. Another million. Buildings.

Another million. I'll have another fucking million. What? Food. As an energy source for humans. You another fucking million. What food is an energy source for humans? You're fucking mad. Another pet peeve. I'll tell you, make your million, Finn.

You come up with a way to make this better. Yeah. Unimproveable, let's say. We'll just get petrol from Sainsbury's. Jared says, pet peeve, people who claim that they can't sit facing backwards on trains like just grow the fuck up Carl

Carl can't do it I can't pathetic yeah no I can do you know what I can do it if I don't notice isn't that mad

what no I know what you mean I know what you mean yep if I get on and say I'm with Adam and he goes oh do you want to sit

because he'll say that and I'll go yeah next one but if I get on it's like oh that's the only seat and I'm not thinking about it I'll get her now and be like oh fuck I'm going backwards and I'll go, yeah, nice one. But if I get on, it's like, oh, that's the only seat and I'm not thinking about it. I'll get her now and I'll be like, oh, fuck, I'm going backwards.

I'll tell you this. I've been a lot of places with you over the last four years. We've been some wonderful places and I've enjoyed my time away together. You're not like a low, like there's a lot of energy goes into where you sit

and where you're positioned. Carling in the airport acts like there's been a fucking terrorist announcement when they say the plane's boarding. I've never seen anything like it. He's like, we've got to go! We've got to go! The plane is going to leave!

I want my bag to be above my seat, because when everyone stands up, don't even land, everyone goes, whoa! It stands instantly up, because I want to get off first, and then my bag's 45 yards down the fucking plane. I will elbow a nun out of the plane. And I will run off the plane, and I will overtake everybody to get off first. And then my bag's 45 yards down the front of the plane. Carl will elbow a nun out of the plane. And I will run off the plane,

and I will overtake everybody that gets passport control first. So you want to be on the plane first? I don't care about that. I just want the real estate of the bag above me. Right. That's important. On a train, it's not like,

oh, everyone sit down. Carl's not arsed. He's always arsed. He will have a favourite. He'll be like, shot cars. He's always shouting shotgun. It's not, he's not a laid back journeyman like shot cars he's always shouting shotgun it's not he's not a laid-back i've got my shoes off right now i like to be comfortable and if i can control the comfort i will soz no it's i'm not it's not a criticism it is just an observation you are very

pernickety about where and how and yeah i don't want to be sitting in the middle on a plane i'd rather just not fly if you're like a challenge have you have you it's your life quite easy yeah i get to complain about pointless things. I remember when we were going to Amsterdam and did we fly from Manchester for that? Yeah. Yeah. So we're in Manchester and they went,

they were flight two, one, three, two to Amsterdam. I was now ready for boarding. And I went, I'm just going to get a big idea from, it's like Eddie Rockets or something like the- Archies. Archies in the airport. Jimmy Nibbles. And Carl was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. The plane's boarding.

And I was like, just take off for 40 minutes. And he's like, you can't be getting a burger now. You can't be doing this. I've never missed a plane. It's fucking stupid. They will wait until a second before takeoff to make sure everyone who's checked in is on the plane. They'll shout you over the tannoy.

I know, but where's his bag? That's the thing, isn't it? I just never, I mean, it's on my back. I don't check back. No, no, I mean, once you get on the plane, if everyone's you over the tannoy. I know, but where's his bag? That's the thing, isn't it? I just never, I mean, it's on my back. I don't check back. No, no, I mean, once you get on the plane, if everyone's already on, where's your bag?

Exactly, that's probably golf. Also, he has 80 kilogram backpacks to think about because he's not playing by the rules. Are you ever late? Yeah, but I despise people who are late. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm always late

and I despise people who are late. Don't be late. I might be, but you're not. Yeah, yeah. yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm always late. Don't be late. I might be, but you're not. Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry that I was late today. So many things going to being late, though. There was someone coming to me house yesterday and he was 15 minutes late

and I was like, I'm dressed. Hurry up, because I want to go out. I was waiting to go out. He was like, you're wasting my day now. I haven't got my cock out here. I've dressed for you. No, but I dressed waiting to go and he was late.

I was like, you're now wasting my day. I'm never, ever, ever late for something you can't be late for. Right. Like what? Like a plane. Or like in my head, even a restaurant. Like if I've booked for seven, I am there at like 6.55. Yeah.

I'm not going to be late for the restaurant. But like when we're in here, we're like, right, everyone in at half 10, we're starting at 11. Any time between half ten and quarter past eleven to me is sound. Joe, if I had a gun and I was only allowed

to use it on one type of person, it'd be people who were late for footy. Right, okay. Shoot them in the back of the head. Play in. You'll wait, it's seven o'clock

and someone isn't there. As they turn up, you shoot them in the back of the head. Yeah. Remember how Joe used to be and he lived over the road from Carlton?

Fuck me. We used to play when he lived over the road from Carlton? Fuck me. So that's where he used to play when he lived 100 yards. 100 yards. I see that. That's easier to be late to. It's the proximity paradox. It's how I was always late to this

when I lived in town because in your head, you live in the studio. So you just roll out of bed and you're done. People who were late for footy, that's my pet peeve. Lad, do turn up late to footy.

I'm here. This is my excitement for the week, for the hour. And you just decided to be latey I'm here this is my excitement for the week for the hour and you're you just decided to be late I'm never late for anything important ever

Paul Lincoln says pet peeve hotels that claim you're getting a double bed when in fact it's just two singles pushed together you always end up

falling down the middle in the night I hate that fuck you with a passion yeah that is it's happened to me a few times recently

it's getting really I should be on the website because that is a decision. That is a decision I should be allowed to make as a consumer. Am I okay with that? It's a double room. There's two single beds pushed together.

Well, I'm not saying your stupid hotel. Go fuck yourselves. I'm going down the road paying an extra 20 quid and actually getting a double bed. You know, like an adult human man. Yeah, agreed. That is annoying.

If I- I don't mind a single- It doesn't- I'd rather have one single than two singles pushed together. Yeah, that's annoying. i don't mind a single it doesn't like i'd rather have one single than two singles pushed together yeah that's annoying i don't i don't agree with that i know single bed's impossible yeah that one that crack in the middle you can't just say you sleep in a single bed now i feel awful in a single but i don't i don't move in the night because then i'll fall in the middle you don't strike me as someone that tosses and turns? No. You're very still. I seem like a vampire, yeah. Yeah.

On your back? Yeah. I don't do anything in the night. Like, I'm not a snot. He's not juggling. Oh, he's the best roommate ever. I don't move. He's just so clean and everything's fine.

You just hear whimpering. Adam's a mover. I move and talk and spit bars and everything. Yeah, he's a mover. He's doing battle raps in his sleep. You'll always see his back as well. No matter where, his back will be on show. Because he gets to, he's like me.

He's duvet off in between legs. No matter what, you'll see his back. So he's there spitting bars. Even if I'm facing you, you can see me back, really? Yeah. Shoulders going. Yeah, his back's always visible. That sounds really pleasant to share a room with.

If I sleep, I'm so... Oh, where are you going? Here we go. Adam, we can't hear you. We can see him. So Adam's laying on the floor. You can always see his back. Adam's in the fetal position in the middle of the room.

And then you'll flip and you'll put your leg over the duvet. Yeah. Right. Yeah. His back's always on show. Okay. You feeling all right? Yeah. yeah yeah his back's always on show okay you feeling alright yeah

how do you sleep I'm a mood how do you sleep at night Carl you can actually watch me sleeping on a special which is fucking weird in the ghost on 2 there was a time lapse

of me sleeping so I can actually see me it's weird I sleep on my side because my nose I can't sleep on my back. Sleeping on your front is just psychopathic. I sleep on my front most of the time, though.

Do you? Yeah. Simon, why are you so intrigued? What's your technique? I'm often drunk. So I just end up sort of on the couch, sort of on my sides, on my arms, and I wake up. Can you sleep on, like,

my issue is sleeping on any sort of transport. I can't do it. No matter what, like, planes, trains, I can't sleep. What about, like, one of those bed frames that's shaped like a Ferrari? Can you sleep on one of them? A bed? Yeah. I reckon I can sleep in a bed, yeah.

Yeah. Just checking. What about a broken down car in the middle of the M6? No, if he was asleep, he's taking the piss. Shall we do a Have a Word and then fake it off? You're good at football, Simon. Surprisingly. I am, but I can't play because I break.

I can't snap. I've got no strength in my legs anymore. Simon is better than football than you think. No, I know he's good at football. Yeah, he's really good at football people keep telling me Stephen Glass though mate yeah I got asked to play

are you doing that some guy asked me to play in a fucking charity game in July I said I can't do it oh I know it was what kind of injuries did you get I played last year

I got this one no it's not that one no it's a marine no I thought you were just asking leg breaks yeah yeah what breaks your leg I got i mean i got my knee operated on when i was like 18 19 for like stem cells and then that took 18 months to recover from and then all the

muscle in me right leg didn't do the rehab properly because why would you when you can walk again so i was just like all right sound whatever and the rehab shit anyway isn't it and it just like goes go a sports off once every fortnight and put a lousy band around your foot and pull it towards you. It's like, this isn't going to get me stronger. I've hurt my shoulder and my brother's a physio. He keeps going, do this. I'm like, yeah. When I go and see him, my soul is killing me.

He goes, have you done them things? I'm like, no. Exactly, yeah, because you go, I'm not doing it. I'd rather just get better. Yeah. Why? You've evaporated now. Why is it not better?

You need to build the muscle anyways the muscle went and then i went and played at the pits and second game back and five aside my leg just snapped and i was running and i went and i thought my acl had gone or something in my knee and i went oh for fuck's sake and then i just looked down i mean and i sort of see my leg my foot was the other way and i just went oh my oh, my God. And then I just was, like, lying on the ground. How did it break? Just weak. My leg was just weak.

Oh, my. Yeah, you shouldn't play five-a-side with weak legs. I fractured my ankle, like, three, four times, and it's got, like, a hairline fracture, so my ankle's always weak. Oh, my God, I've just got a pain in the arsehole. Like McGregor? Like McGregor?

Yeah, like that. And then I turned around, saw my leg, my knee had gone, so it had just been like that and then I turned around saw me leg me knee had gone so it had just been operated and then me leg was just that way and I was like

fuck that's a proper break and dislocation and so I was lying there waiting for the ambulance but the people who were meant to be are next obviously they're fuming

because they're thinking fuck sake I'd be fuming we're into our time so I'm lying there with me leg that way and all I'm hearing is these balls

just banging into the side from people wanting to start their games I was like and people were like can you not blast the ball around like his legs hanging off it

and then I was just but then the the ambulance came pretty quick cut my boots off and then gave me the gas and air went back into once they got me to the hospital they

they go on get a lot of this in because we're going to have to get your foot aligned back. So I'm lying there, foot's up. And then they're like, right, keep more. You're going to need more. You're going to need more.

And then they just went, right, you're going to feel a bit of a grind now. And I was like, oh. And then they were just like. Why have they told you that? I don't know if they just did it. And then they set it. So then I had to then wait for the operation the next night. But yeah, it was fucking, wasn't nice.

How long ago was that? What? How long ago was that? Probably about 10 years ago. Oh, right, okay. I thought it was much more. Oh, no, no, no, no. That's when I went, oh, this isn't worth it anymore.

Fucking playing five a side after that. I can't listen to shit like that, you know? No, it was disgusting. It was absolutely awful. I'm sort of glad I'm going deaf. I hate leg breaks. I won't watch leg breaks or anything like that. You know, people love watching that stuff.

Oh, the gym fails where they're, like, doing the leg press and the leg goes the other way. You lock the leg and then it pushes. Yeah, yeah. I'm quite... I like to see things and I want to know things, but then the only thing I'm never interested in is seeing somebody's body get fucking bent.

I don't, there's not one bit of morbid curiosity that I have about a leg break. Something else, yeah, but not that. Last, I have a word and then we're out. Helen says, Lids, I need you to have a word with my brother Craig. Was eating shepherd's pie the other week when I got in, opened the fridge afterwards

and there was a dish in tinfoil that I thought was just extra shepherd's pie. Open the fridge afterwards and there was a dish in tinfoil that I thought was just extra shepherd's pie. Opened it up and it was a dead mouse defrosting for Craig's pet snake. Since then he's been leaving all sorts of mice and rodents next to the Cathedral City cheddar in the fridge. It's out of order.

Have a word with him. That's from Helen. Where do you put yours? Who lives with a really reasonable snake enjoyer. snake enjoyer. Snake enjoyer? Where do you keep your snake? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. In the shop.

I can't hear anymore. This is gone. I know, you're looking like you're bothered. I'm going deaf. Yeah, you look uncomfortable. You haven't looked right all day. You're going to have to have a medical time out. We'll just have to call it.

Okay, keep your mice out the fridge, lad. And that's this week's podcast done, ladies and gentlemen. Dan, tell them what happened. Tell them why your ear's fucked. Or you're that fucked. Tell them what's gone on. Did you mention it? Snake got in there. What?

Someone shouts at him for snealing his bevvies. Oh dear. Don't keep dead mice in the fridge. Bang out of order. You're a weirdo. Simon, tell everyone about your podcast and your social media. Yes, another one podcast.

So that's me and Robert Thomas, who you are all friends with. We do that in Netherton Community Centre. No, we're moving to a new studio now. But, yeah, listen to that. Followton Community Centre. No, we're moving to a new studio now. But yeah, listen to that. Follow it on Instagram. Sign up to the Patreon because you know you've got plenty of money to do that with. And

me on social at Simon Wozniak Comedy on Instagram. This gets me to 10,000. What are you on? I'm on five and a half. I reckon I'll get you to seven. Seven? I'm on five and a half. Okay, I reckon I'll get you to seven. Seven, not 10.

That's a stretch. I thought you lot can tell these anything and they'll do it. No. Within reason. If you're on TikTok, Dan has a podcast.

Surely there's three and a half, four and a half of you listening to this now. We'll see. Hey, go and drop down on a follow. Be a part of the movement.

Come on. On TikTok, my TikTok is going really well so far at has at dan has a podcast on the talk i'm starting to post regularly we've got a tune uh quickly this is a i'm on tour as well yeah adam rowe the code uk dan's fucked go on tell us what this show so 10th of 10th of sorry 22nd of April £10 patrons you're getting the new poster sign up

or upgrade because it's worth it it's a Blackpool based band called Circus and this is their debut single there's some young lads and this is called Talk we are Circus

and this is Talk huh? Huh? you've ever had So many kids dying young Rock and soul to get them started Carriage on a weapon I've been A made man I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been This path has only been so wide

And I'm starting to lose control You know I can't abide the tide For the singing alone You don't know what's wrong In the dark night Drinking slowly All the ways to hide. We don't know what's wrong.

When the flood lies, drinking snow, making jokes, are the ways that I So much for local loyalty What does that even mean? Say a real bus can't scream Another figure on the list screen another figure on the list is the something that I miss second best

to where I'll be I've been they've been I've seen The A-Pen The A-Cen The A-Cen The A-Ben The A-Pen The A-Cen

The A-Cen We don't know what's wrong We'll be right back. What's wrong with the dark night? Drinking slowly and close But the waves they hide you