Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #274 with Red Richardson - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: April 28, 2024

Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan Nightingale & Fiends Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.ukComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsCheck out Finn's music: https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Tickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Wag Wag Leeds, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game. From the heart of Liverpool, with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only Have A Word. Brought to you by Manscaped, the very best product on the market for below the waist grooming. Go Ed, get on me. How are we? How are we? How are we? Hiya.

What the fuck have you been up to? Little rowdy dream bags. Maddening. I've had a quite wild 72 hours. No, no. Let me tell you what I've been up to. Go for it. No.

Is that pastry nice? What? Is that pastry nice? Honestly, it's one of the best things that's ever been in my mouth. Pistachio. Yeah. Fluff, fluff, fluff. Oh, fluff, fluff, fluff. things that's ever been in my mouth. Pistachio. Yeah. Fluffla flufflin. Oh, fluffla flufflin.

Paris is well known for the fluffla fluffins. Oh. So, what were you doing? We recorded on Monday, and off you fucked. And now it's Wednesday. And now it's Wednesday. What have you been doing

since you walked out of this door and then you walked back in it half an hour ago? Well, so here's what happened. Last week, Dave Chappelle announced some work in progress shows in London. Yeah. And I noticed, like, we spoke about this on the Patreon.

I had Friday night off. So me and Jack were like, we can go into London and go and watch one of those shows. And I text Ian, who's my, like, guy at Live Nation. And I was like, can I have two comp tickets for the Chappelle show at Leicester Square Theatre? And he just didn't get back to me because he's a busy man and it happens.

And I don't get back to him most of the time. So I just bought two tickets, right? So then on the day I texted him, I was like, oh, I'm going to, are you going to be at the show? And he's like, why have you bought tickets? And I was like, because you didn't get back to me. And he went, look, any of my client shows you can always get into. He's like, you're a client of mine.

I'll just don't like just assume it. And I was like, right, okay. And as a joke, I went, just get me on the bill. And then all is forgiven. And he texted me back. I was like, I can't make it work tonight. But you want to do Monday and Tuesday and Tuesday's in Paris. Let me just check my diary. Yes. I was like, yeah, I can do make it work tonight, but do you want to do Monday and Tuesday? And Tuesday's in Paris. Let me just check my diary.

Yes. I was like, yeah, I can do that, yeah. So I went to London on Monday after the pod record, did a set with them at Bush Hall, which is a venue I'd never heard of until last week. Shepherds? Yeah, Shepherds Bush, but it's like this old, it looks like a town hall.

All right. But he's obviously filled it on like day's notice. And it's, he had like a girl called Ashley Barnell opening as well. Aziz Ansari, me. And then he did like an hour and 20 minutes of new stuff. Just wild.

And then Paris, I've never been to Paris really. Now, were they like, hey, they're going to have a look at you on Monday before you get Paris? No, I already had both of them, yeah. And he knew me.

First of all, so I get there, and he's not there initially. Like, we've met him before. Obviously, we went out for a Chinese when he was in Liverpool, but he was so hammered that night that the next night when me and Carl went backstage at the arena, he didn't seem to recognise us

so I was not gonna like the night after we went for the Chinese room in Liverpool I wasn't gonna be like oh we met last night by the way you were

just too drunk to remember plus there was about there was half the Liverpool comedy scene to turn up so when he arrives he arrives just before I'm about to go on

so like the first the first act was on he has a DJ who brings everyone up. So there's a DJ who goes, first act's Ashley Barnhill, give it up for Ashley Barnhill. She goes on,

she comes off, he plays a couple more tunes. The DJ gets people on. Yeah. I love it. And he gets everyone going as well. I fucking love it. He gets you standing up and dancing in the crowd.

Oh my God. It was really funny when he said. It's the old Def Jam rules. Essentially. That's what they did at Def Jam. Back in the day. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And that was the really funny when he said... It's the old Def Jam rules. Essentially. That's what they did at Def Jam back in the day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that was the really funny bit because he comes in the dressing room

and he goes, right, what do you want to come on to? And Aziz Ansari's like, give me something off Carter 3 by Lil Wayne and Ashley Barnhill's like, give me this, whatever. And I went, can I have Beer Never Broke My Heart by Luke Combs? And he went, can you write that down so I can find it? This feels like a self-inflicted hate trap.

He's playing hip hop like seamlessly mixing them all for like an hour and a half for the show and then it's class. But he gets there as Ashley's on so I'm sort of waiting for Ashley to do the last five minutes so I can go on. And he comes in and I was like, you alright lad? Adam, nice to meet you.

You all right, lad? To Dave Chappelle. I think I know your brother. I'm like, you all right, lad? Yeah. And he goes, yeah, what's your name? And I was like, Adam. And he goes, oh, shit.

He goes, I've heard so much about you from comics back home. He's like, and I was so excited when they said you were doing these shows with us. I'm really grateful for you being here. And I was like, mate, I'm just grateful to be part of the show. And he's like, yeah, I've heard a lot of stuff. And he said, I don't blow smoke. He's like, I really don't do that.

He's like, if I'd not heard, I wouldn't say it. He's like, I've heard nothing but great things. I'm very excited you're doing it. And then he goes, it's disgusting. We've heard before.unbooked great things. I'm very excited you're doing it. And then he goes, it's disgusting. We've heard before. And I went, yeah. We went for the Chinese in Liverpool after you did like two hours at the comedy club.

And he goes, oh yeah, we did. Didn't we go for the Chinese with big Jeff Ross? And I was like, yeah, we did, Dave. I can't believe he plucked that memory out. Imagine if he was like, and Simon wasn't the actor. The shit he's done. Was Rob the actor. The shit he's done. Was Rob Thomas there?

The shit he's done since then. And he's remembered that. Yeah. And he was so hammered that night. And he's like, he gets hammered every show. Like every single show, he's on stage drinking tequila

and just, he will literally just go, can I have another drink? And someone just appears with another tequila with a ton of water. That's what Laura likes. And it was class.

And so after the London show, he had a ton of water um that's what laura likes and it was class and that so after the london show he had a lot of people backstage in this tiny room and then they started leaving to go to uh a bar but i had the um i had to get the euro start at eight the next morning to paris because i booked it so i could have a bit of a day in paris rather than getting there like afternoon and going to the show. So I called it. I was like, everyone's more drunk than me already. And I'm just going to go to bed and get to Paris. And you want to go to Paris and smash it. Yeah.

And also they added a late show in Paris, which is also so unbelievably funny. So his tickets, like he charged a lot, even though it's a work in progress. They're 127 pounds, right? 127 pounds. Jesus Christ. £127. Jesus Christ. What?

£127. How much are yours, Dan, for Dan, Matt and Galen? They're one-tenth of that price. Wow. Including Buckethead. £127. He'd sold Paris out, and we're backstage in London, and Ian comes in and goes,

Dave, do you want to do a late show tomorrow in Paris? Do you want to just add another one? And he goes, yeah, let's do that. So yesterday morning at 10 a.m., they put a 10 p.m. show on sale for that night, 12 hours notice, £127 ticket sold out. Like imagine having the power to do that. Any city, any time, sold out. It's Paris. It's not like it's... It's not even like everyone speaks English. like imagine having the power to do that any city

any time sold out it's Paris it's not like it's not even like everyone speaks English it's so stupid in fact like

if it was Holland or of all the countries in Europe it's the least English speaking one isn't it they're quite a what did the lad from the agency in America say it's that Paris is the last one

to come around to like yeah English speaking comedy is great they hate English people and they hate English language it's been until recently they're like if it's English speaking comedy is great. They hate English people and they hate English language. It's been until recently, if it's English speaking, they're not into it.

And he's like, yeah, late show. Fucking amazing. Class. So yeah, got to Paris yesterday. Had a proper day. Hang on, how was the gig on Monday? I don't want to rush it. I've been literally waiting for this story.

We have had radio silence. I'm like, come on, what were the crowd like? Were they hardcore Chappelle fans? I mean, they're paying 127 quid

on a day's notice. But yeah, but fun to play to. Just an absolute piece of piss. Ah, love it. Like,

it's, I wasn't even remotely nervous. Not that I ever really get nervous anyway, but occasionally if I'm filming something I do, I get a bit of like, oh, we've got to nail this. I just knew it'd be fine. Yeah.

And I knew what to do. I knew how to pitch it because I, like, I'm a Chappelle fan. So in my head, I'm like, I know what they want. Do you know what I mean? How long did you get? I did 10 in London and 15 twice last night. I did 10 in London and 15 twice last night. But I did a bit I haven't done for two years.

I did me Liverpool terror attack bit. Yeah. Because I was like, like it is open as all did really well, but they're doing their own thing and they're doing what they sort of do. And in my head, I'm like, this is a Chappelle crowd who want something that's like i've thought through like a well-reasoned argument for something being like say the awful thing and

then defend it do you know what i mean like my favorite style of comedy and i thought i haven't got a bit in my back catalog apart from maybe the victoria's secret routine but i didn't want to do trans stuff to chappelle's crowd no i thought- Because it looks like you're pandering and yeah. Yeah, so I thought this, the terror attack bit is about seven minutes. I'll just do that and then I'll see how long I've got left. When was the last time you did the terrorism bit? Two years ago.

Do you have to just comic to comic? Because if I don't do a joke for two years, I'm like, I did a thing and I think that someone said something and I do a voice. I just, I watched me clip twice. I watched a clip of it twice and I said something and I do a voice. I just, I watched me clip twice. Nice. I watched a clip of it twice and I was like, I've got it. Cool.

And then I didn't, I didn't miss a line and it worked really, really well. It's such a good bit. It was my favourite bit of that show. The little, the little. Just all of it. And I forgot, like, I also forget that, you you know i on my tour i'd never do an old bit again like if i'm filming a special you never do something you've done on a previous thing

but when you're doing a show like that you can just go and grab an old bit that you love doing because these people have definitely never seen it and i sort of forget that you can just do that do you know i mean i'm always sort of like forward thinking and what am i doing next rather like once something's done i feel like i'm done with it it was so fun to go i love performing this bit and i haven't done it for two years and i've got every right to just do this bit and it fucking burnt the house to the ground like ashley is first opener she went on and she did well but you could tell when i said it was a piece of piss you could tell the audience are a bit like another sports actor right still not chapelle on okay cool and we don't know him either i don't know ashley we don't know adam like when aziz anzardi went on

they go oh fuck someone from yeah but when i first go on you can see them going right go on what you're gonna do then yeah bit polite for the first one. We sort of expected this. Two? Is there three? How many is there? Yeah. But, like, that bit.

So I just had, like, a nice... I thought I found, like, a nice in for it. So I just started. I went, yeah, my name's Adam. I'm from Liverpool. It's a great city. The only difference between, like, being from a good city like Liverpool in the UK and being from somewhere like london or anywhere in the us is that when something happens in our city

after a while no one really gives a fuck about it apart from us so like like if you're in london everyone remembers stuff that happens here if you're in america everything remembers stuff because world news and then i went do you know liverpool had a terror attack two years ago and no one can remember it but then as you start telling the story, some people go, oh yeah. Like they do sort of remember it. And it's so ridiculous. And like for 30 seconds, I can see them going, where's he going with this?

But by the time I'm on like the third punch of it, they're like, oh no. And they know they're in safe hands then. And especially because you're doing something. Interesting. Interesting. And you've got to be good to be doing a bit like that so they sort of go oh that's why he's on they they initially they go why who the fuck is this and

then and then that becomes why don't i know this guy yeah once you've got them do you know what i mean and you can feel the change there's like a little moment ian was watching it on the balcony like there's like a vip section and he was like, I literally heard a fellow turn to his mate and go, who's this? And then two minutes later, he literally went, oh, fair play.

Like they were the two things he didn't hear them say. It's just so fucking satisfying. Like all I want to do in that is do a good job. Do you know what I mean? And yeah, class. I had a great day in Paris.

Went to a few places Jack recommended for like pastries and coffees and food. For the falafel, falafel. For the falafel, Falafel falafel. Yeah. Was it just, what was it? It was just a fancy croissant? No.

Pistachio like swirly thing. Oh yeah. Escargot. They sell a bit of lungo. Do they? Yeah. It's just, it's the oldest bakery in Paris. And like there was a queue outside.

It was loads of French people like looking for bread in there. Smart people. I can't believe how nice Paris is I dare it was a shithole it's not it is

it's not now if you're in the centre and the nice bits and the nice bite there isn't but it's a shithole at night it is

I've been loads it's not it just isn't like it was just fucking class compared to also compared to where the olympics are soon so they've probably cleaned it up yeah because when i went last year or 18 months ago it was a shit hole when did it have mattresses in the street was that about six months a year ago they had them they had an infestation of bed bugs yeah throughout the city

and people were like cool this i haven't got anywhere to put it. And the tips aren't like, so they were just throwing fucking, it's had its issues, hasn't it? They've cleaned it up for the Olympics, by the sounds of it, because it isn't a very nice. It's got to be pretty nice though, hasn't it? It's like a pretty beautiful historic.

It's fucking gorgeous. The architecture's gorgeous. It's all cobbled streets. Like the aesthetics, unbelievable. Like all the trees are like blossoming. Like there's leaves and flowers on all the trees because we're coming into spring. Even like the streetlights are old and fancy.

Like it just looks like you're in a fucking postcard class. I was walking around all day for like hours. I did about 30,000 steps, just walking around Paris, getting food, getting a coffee. I fucking love those days. How was the Eurostar? I've never been on Eurostar. Like, is it all right?

Is it just basically a train in the dark? It's not even in the dark. You're barely underground. Is it? Yeah. Like, you go underground for five, ten minutes, and then you're in France. Oh, wow.

Rapidly. Because it goes, but it doesn't go, like, down from London. It's not under St. Pancreas, is it? It basically gets to Folkestone and not Folkestone. It goes east, and then it gets to the bitestone and not Folkestone. Yeah, it goes east and then it gets to the bit where France is closest. That's where you cross.

So yeah, Paris was great. Got to the venue yesterday. It's just a really nice theatre. Maybe like 500 people. And yeah, did a couple of shows. Went downstairs and they're like, oh, we're going for dinner now.

Do you want to come? And I was like, yeah, cool. And we get to this restaurant, and we're greeted by, like, Chappelle's greeted by this French guy who sat there with some supermodel. And he's like, oh, what are the chances? Like, he was joking. Like, they planned to be there.

And it just became apparent after about 10 minutes this restaurant is shut like it's closed and it's open because dave chappelle wanted some food after the show so we're the only people in there there's like five waitresses but they're it's just us there's no one else in there how many in the party um so because he's got to have a bit of an entourage. I mean, Schultz came with like six or seven for the podcast, didn't he? No, not quite like that.

So he's got a security guard, one sat at the table, one sat in the car outside. He's got his logistics manager. It was great. A girl called Liz. She just arranges all his travel and whatever. That sounds good, doesn't it?

There was the guy who was there when we arrived and the girl he was with. There's a girl called Anoushka who's a French-Iranian comic who lives in Paris, lived in London for a while. She's gone back. She was great. And there was two girls who I think knew Anoushka

or knew someone. They'd come from the show as well. And his DJ, DJ Trauma, and me. You sat next to DJ Trauma. Well, I'm sat between Dave Chappelle and essentially a Colombian, a Mexican supermodel. Yeah. Wow, that's awful.

But they're all so sound. It's just another Tuesday for rowie bags, isn't it? So initially I'm just drinking Negronis, right? And then I'm talking to this girl and I'm like, so what do you do for work? And she goes, well, I've just quit my job, actually. What do you think I do, Adam? Look at me.

I'm not doing split shifts, am I, you dickhead? You're wrong. No. So she goes, I used to work in sales for a telecom company like international sales but I've just quit

because I had a boss who I didn't like and I just decided that I'm going to make my own tequila and sell it like round the world she's like we're going

to launch soon and I was like oh you've been making that in your bathtub I was like that's fucking class I was like I love tequila I was like

I love a Tommy's margarita she's like what's a Tommy's margarita and I was like you don't know love a Tommy's margarita. She's like, what's a Tommy's margarita? And I was like, you don't know what a Tommy's margarita is. It's a twist on a margarita. She's like, I've never heard of it. And the other girl goes, I've never heard of it either. And I was like, it's literally a classic cocktail.

And they go, it isn't. And I'm like, it is. There's a bar in San Francisco called Tommy's, which was run by a Mexican family, and they wanted a cocktail that was more appealing to men, but was still tequila based. So they made a manly version of a margarita, which was being sold more to women at the time.

And they were like, no, no, no. And I went, I'll order one now. Like it's not on the menu. I was like, I'll order, they'll do it in here. And the girl opposite me goes, $15, $15 that this waitress hasn't got a clue what you're talking about. The most random bet I have ever seen.

These two notes, not 10, not 20, $15 that this waitress hasn't got a clue what you're talking about. The most random bet I have ever seen. Literally. These two notes, not 10, not 20, $15. Yeah, I didn't even like twig it, to be honest with you. So I went, she will though, you're going to lose. And she was like, no, come on. So I shook her hand and the waitress comes over and I went, could you do me a Tommy's Margarita, please? She was like, of course, sir.

And she goes away. And they're both, they're both the Reds fall off. And I'm like, you can't be making your own tequila rather than not know what a time is she's lying she was like no she she didn't well she needs to be better at her job well it's not a job yet but also you don't have to know every tequila based cocktail to me you should know one of the biggest it was mad but also this is the other mad thing like because of the bet and that that got the attention of the rest of the table and nobody else on the table there the rest of the table and nobody else on the table there to be either isn't that mad margaret is in america they're just like ice

cream though aren't they did they all try it uh the two girls did they like it yeah so the girl who lost the bet so when they just come around with the drink i was like i'll get it and she's like no no no and i was like i'll just get it i'm i'm just happy i won the bet and she's like no a better bet she's like i'm paying for it she's like, I'll just get it. I'm just happy I won the bet. And she was like, no, a better bet. She was like, I'm paying for it. She was like, this is the 15. Well, it was more like 35 or whatever it was.

But yeah, they tried it. The girl who lost the bet said it was too sweet for her, but the other girl literally went, can I have one? So she's selling tequila

just because she's fit and she knows it'll work. I think she just really likes to call you. You seem annoyed about this woman that you've not met.

This fucking woman. Get back to sales. You don't even know what Tommy's market needs. That's like me going, yeah, I'm going to sell Guinness when I fucking don't even know what you're about. You're not a fit woman that hangs out with Dave Chappelle, are you?

That's a fact. She didn't know him. She didn't know Chappelle. She just wandered around looking for... I think she knew Anoushka was a comic, so she was friends with... Anoushka sounds, listen, respectfully, quite attractive. Yeah, Anoushka's got to be your she knew Anoushka was a comic, so she was friends with someone else. Anoushka sounds, listen, respectfully, quite attractive. Yeah, Anoushka's got to be in the world.

French, Iranian. Yeah, there was no one sat at the table. There's no... Monted. No. David! David, I don't know drinks! I was there till about, you know,

half three in the morning in a restaurant that was meant to shut at like 10 o'clock. Yeah. We're there till half three. And there was a moment, right, where I'm literally... I'm giddy for him.

I've got a Tommy's margarita in my hand and I'm just having a moment when I'm like, I just remember that I'm a lad from Dovey. I just have a moment where I just remember I'm a lad from Dovey and I'm just like sat there like spinning me drink like that. And I'm looking at the Tommy's margarita and I'm like i've just thought a mexican woman one of tommy's

margaritas she's like supermodel she's sat there and i'm like something that's it i'm who knew my name um you did all this in your head you didn't say i think it's a big thing but literally i'm sat there like that, right? And I picked the worst moment to do this because the table just went quiet for a second. But I just went... Oh, shit. Adam Rose whistled.

And Chappelle goes, what's funny, mate? And I went, nothing. You're you. and she's fit and this is close and I'm pissed but we're have you ever

I'll tell you Dave have you ever heard of Dovey no bad start Dan have you had the power to open a restaurant at 3am what are you going for

going Nando's going Nando's with Dave Chappelle and Vladivoshka would you going for nando's with dave chappelle and vladivoshka would you go for nando's no would i somewhere what where am i in paris i know anyway you just know that oh if you've got it if you're after a show if you can finish a big show and just go anywhere oh yeah such a way for you like guys we're going to a little place called pizza express yeah they do me garlic dough balls any time of night it was uh it was class the anushka when i because she's got like a sort of american accent because all europeans learned english from american english and i was like where's the French or Iranian and she's like you know I can speak in an Iranian accent and then she just did like uh an Asian Scouse accent and I made

her let me film it because it's one of I was like are you taking the piss are you trying to do me because it sounds like you're trying to do me. And she's going, no, this is me. I don't need an accent. It sounds like Korean TV. She doesn't care. Just jokes. What a win that was then, Dave. All right, Dave.

What a show that was then. What the fuck is a Tommy's Margarita? And then she starts a video of me trying to get her to like proper scouts you know like trying to nail it and i can't remember um i can't remember what i was trying to get her to say but like i had to go syllable by syllable you know like when phoebe's trying to teach joey french i think i was saying like we've got to go to the bar for the drink so i was going we the we've got to go to the bar for the drink. So I was going, we've got to, got to, got to go to the bar for a drink. And she's going, we?

And I'm like, yeah. Got it. And then I went, put it all together. And she goes, we've got to go to the bar for a drink. And I was like, yes. It was class. Also, I finally finally finally got i got a moment with uh with dave and i went dave can i just have can i just ask you a question because i've wanted to ask you this

for years i said in sticks and stones do you know what i'm about to say no right so for those who haven't seen it those who haven't seen it before um dave dave's obviously got a load of stand-up specials now on uh netflix my favorite one is sticks and stones i'd put it in my top five of all time and the the reason the reason i love it so much is the very start of the song it it has like a cold open. There's no welcome to the stage, David Chappelle. There's just like some quotes on stage on, on the screen.

No image. And you hear him before you see him. Right. And he is speaking the lyrics of the Prince song, 1999. Right. So before you see him, you just hear him say, I was dreaming when I wrote this,

forgive me if it goes astray. Is this the one in the Washington Theatre? Possibly. That is the same place he filmed? I think so, yeah. Yeah. So he starts with that, and then he goes, ladies and gentlemen, we must never forget

that Anthony Bourdain killed himself. And he starts doing his routine. He doesn't reference the fact that he's just started with a Prince song. He's not talking about the Prince song. He just does the lyrics at the start. Does a few bits about Anthony Bourdain. Then says another line from the Prince song, which was, Sky was all purple, there were people running everywhere.

Trying to run from my destruction. You know I didn't even care doesn't mention it again goes back into doing his uh board game routine and then he the he does the the next bit of the prince song after a couple more minutes which is um they say two thousand zero zero party over, oops, out of time. So tonight I'm going to party like it's 1999. He never mentions it. I've never seen him asked about it. I've never, like when that special went out,

it got a lot of critique for being transphobic and like being problematic and whatnot, which is something, something you know we don't need to discuss um but no review no interview with him afterwards no no one who i seen comment on the special ever mentioned that at the start of us the special like no one's ever gone i wonder why he's doing that no one's ever asked no one said hey dave why did you do this and i watched it and the second time i watched it is when i noticed it because when you watch for the first time you're just watching the special and i was like why is he doing that and then i sort of thought i'd figured it out and i think he's he's setting up not only the special but the reaction to it as well right so uh the first line i was dreaming when i wrote this forgive me if it goes

astray but when i woke up this morning could have sworn it was judgment day i think he said i thought he was saying this is going to be wild you're just gonna have to forgive me it's gonna go all over the gaff you're just gonna have to forgive me soz right in advance the next line is sky's all purple people running everywhere trying to run from my destruction you know i didn't even care and i think he was saying everyone's gonna go fucking ballistic over this people are gonna be running everywhere but i don't care i just don't give a fuck and the last bit is they say 2000 party over oops i was the time tonight i'm gonna party like it's 1999 and i thought he was saying you can't say any of this shit anymore but i'm gonna act like it's 1999 and i can say whatever the fuck i want and i watched that and was like i think i've

fucking figured that out and i was gutted last time we met him he was too drunk for me to ask him yeah whether i was right about it and i asked him last night and he said i'm the only person who's ever asked him about it and i'm absolutely right that's and i've never been more like proud of myself as like a watcher of stand-up i felt like i felt like oh i know what i'm talking about me fucking code breaker cool yeah like when i when i brought it up because he was in his dressing room he brings this fucking jbl speaker to every show and it's this big and it's booming. And he turns all of his dressing rooms red.

It's a non-negotiable. That's what they do for his dressing room. Loud music, red. He's pacing them down, looking in the mirror before he goes on. Oh, is it? He's not super chill? No. Oh, he's like, oh my God.

Never walks onto a walk-on. The music's just blaring in the room. There's no intervals. I would have pegged him as a real, just sat back having a smoke, but he's actually more revved up. No, it's not a million miles away from what you're thinking. He's just stood up smoking and walking

and he looks calm, but there's just an energy of we're going into battle yeah he's like a calm general who's going into battle he's like i know the plan i know what i'm doing but it's there's an intensity to it yeah yeah um but yeah i went in and like it was after the show and i went can i just have a word with you for a sec i said but we need to go outside because i need you to be able to hear me and I could see him be like fuck's sake this opener that I met last night wants a fucking chat

like I could see that was on his face he's like trying to fucking vibe after the show you know I wonder if you've got any advice for me

but when I brought the question up I seen him light up because it was like he's gone no one's got that that will really fucking stick with him yeah if he remembers the chinese

that is defo sticking with him if you're the first person i think that special was recorded in 99 was it 98 it was about then the first one which what which one anyway i don't know we'll have to research it erm but yeah class oh my god he wants me to go to his 2000 club in Ohio he's just opened a club

in Yellow Springs and he's had Bear Crouch there Bill Bear there and he's just like you've got to come out by the way could all

this be the future Joe Rogan Dave Chappelle could some of the big ones in the UK do it can we all just go well Jason Manford tried it but he tried to do fucking 93 of them all at once, didn't he?

I mean, Manford did it, and it was basically job creation. It's the soundest thing I've ever seen. Like, got his brother a job, anyone that worked at the Laugh-In that he liked, and ended up with gigs all over, and they're still running. Like, Pete Vincent does a good job of running them,

and they're helping the circuit how amazing would it be if everyone went hey I live here now and I've opened this club and off my name it's going to run three

four nights a week oh my god comedy would be so good for it I actually think it's going to be us I would like that

very much we didn't plan that on a flight, a business class. I think it would be Manchester rather than Liverpool, unfortunately. Obviously, we've got a large scouse following. There's these lads called Hot Water. I don't know if you've heard of them,

but they are smashing. Not only just that we're friends with them, it's not that. That is part of it, but Liverpool isn't massive. The catchment area for Manchester is probably like six or seven times the size of Liverpool's

in terms of getting people to go. Liverpool's one of them. Yeah. Like people go to... It's just a big city with more people. Well, what's like Merseyside? Probably a million and a half people. If you really like throw Merseyside,

like all the way up Sefton and fucking like to St. Helens where you could really argue, that's a million and a half, maybe 1.8 million people. I reckon if you did great at Manchester and then factor in that there's places like Preston and Huddersfield on that main line, it's like, it could be three or four million people. Yeah. But yeah, I think that be three or four million people. Yeah.

But yeah, I think that'll be us eventually. We said Manchester. I'd love to. That's the dream, really. Have a weird comedy club. Yes, please. Luckily, I've not got any close ties with any comedy clubs in Manchester.

The thing is, though, there's so much room in Manchester that I don't think it would matter. No. I think there's been a handful of clubs also like good other good clubs will

always be fine. It just knocks shit out of the feeding pool basically doesn't it? The feeding pool. Yep that's a turn of phrase that everyone's definitely heard. Knock shit out of that feeding pool. Knock shit out of the feeding pool.

Who's put all this shite in the feeding pool? Dave, can I have a word with you outside? I need you to be able to hear me. We need to knock some shit out of the feeding pool. You heard of St. Helens? Catchment area for both. But yeah, a class few days, wild. I can't wait to go back to Paris.

I'm going to go back. I think this summer. So I'm not going to Edinburgh. I finally called it off. I'm not going to go back to Paris I'm going to go back I think this summer so I'm not going to Edinburgh I finally called her off I'm not going to do it I don't think I can afford to be away from home for a full month this year

because of all the stuff going on but I think once a fortnight for a weekend over the summer I might just fuck off it won't affect this because I'll go on a Thursday

and come back on a Monday morning I might just go and do some European cities on my own oh my god so good I'd love to travel on my own if you can

especially with a gig with a gig if you can fucking I don't even care about that oh really I love having a gig at the night yeah yeah I'd love to do that too

as much as I love experiencing things with her I don't know if I travel on my own she stands for your head then I've done Amsterdam on my own. That was a lot of fun. I'd love to do something like that.

Yeah, but you're never on your own in Amsterdam, are you? You've always got sweet, sweet Mary Jane with you. The demons. I told you,

I was listening to the pilot of the first episode of this on my own in Amsterdam wandering around. That means full robbers. You were like, I want to get in that feeding pool.

That was one of my all-time favorite half hours of you monologuing i'm not joking i'm putting that right up there i've enjoyed every second of that and i love the fact that you were uh humored me to slow it down to tell me about every little bit because you were like going i wanted every fucking detail there as well that was let's have a break we'll see you in a sec what's happening lids listen the time has nearly arrived on saturday the 18th of may i'm doing my final tour date at the m&s bank arena in liverpool there's still some tickets left it's the biggest show I've ever headlined, but it's not just me going to be there. I'll be doing my hour,

but I've got a few of my mates coming to do stand-up, and I've got some surprise musical guests. It's going to be absolutely unbelievable. I'm so excited. And the final tickets have just gone on sale, and they're on adamrowe.co.uk. You can also get them on the M&S Bank Arena website and Ticketmaster,

but all the links to all of them are on adamrowe.co.uk. You can also get them on the M&S Bank Arena website and Ticketmaster, but all the links to all of them are on adamrow.co.uk. Come and be part of the biggest night of my career so far. And I'm going to blow the roof off the gaff. Please come and see us. And come and see me doing Dan Nightingale and Fiends, some of my favorite rooms around the country and one in Dublin.

Some of my favorite comedians with me messing around with filming it all. Dan Nightingale and Fiends. It's at dannightingale.com. And if you haven't already, why are you not signed up at patreon.com slash have a word pod? One of the biggest Patreons on the planet. This podcast,

this independent podcast based out of Liverpool, is one of the biggest Patreons in the world. Why? Because you get value for money. You get early access to these public episodes. You get an extra episode every single week. And every? Because you get value for money. You get early access to these public episodes. You get an extra episode every single week. And every month, you get a Patreon special

and you get access to the entire back catalogue as soon as you sign up from just £3 a month. Tell them about the specials, Daniel. Oh my God, we've got so many lock-ins where we get drunk in here.

We went to Nashville. Nashville, that's a three-parter. We've done all sorts. We've taken over a restaurant. We've had a racing day day i'm literally there's 40 of these things there's so many i'm forgetting the good ones amsterdam ghost hunts there's so many to list and there's a new one coming every month the one we've just released the art special is one of the most popular we've ever released patreon.com slash have a word pod go and sign up now i guarantee you once you're there you'll never leave in a bit nice one oh sorry well that section started with an apology from carl

sorry sorry are you horny dan what are you horny you came in this morning with a proper spring in your step i don't know what it was. Oh. He got some pause. Hey! Is this a public? It's a public episode. Respectfully. Did you fuck your wife? No, wait, listen.

Let's just tread carefully because I don't want it to be taken off there. So let's just work in euphemism. We had intercourse. Did you ejaculate? What? That's too much, Carl. What?

How do you always take it too far? That's the end of coitus. Are we just, let's use euphemisms. Okay, did you cum? Yeah. In a... No. Like Neil?

Guys. This kind of banter makes it more likely to not happen again. I use performance in hamsters. I'm Hamel. I'm Hamson. I use the performance hamster. Have you ever done it? I've told the hamster to dance

watch this and suck my cock get her in the mood look at it tap dancing it's little shoes that's the Pet Shop Boys

isn't it that's Richard Gear that's the Pet Shop Boys get the kitchen roll it's Richard

Gear every time it's Richard Gear it's Richard Gear the Pet Shop Boys as well no it's richard gear you it's richard gear the pet shop boys as well no he's the fucking it's just the name of their band richard gear is famously the performance hamster stuck it up his

he was like oh my god it's tap dancing on me fucking prostate and he's scouse hello simbad oh fucking hell simbadbad I'm using performance enhancing substances Did you use a Viagra? No Something called hymns Is that the one that makes you last longer Dan? It's not Viagra Hashtag not ad

It's not an ad I'm singing hymns to Laura And it's making me last longer Once in Royal David's City. Is that a hymn? That's a Christmas carol. Fucking poo hymns. By the way, it is a hymn.

It's just a Christmas hymn. And that's what gets called a Christmas carol. It is a hymn. It's 100%. I had a hymn. Michael Jackson. That's what Michael Jackson does. He does a few hymns.

That's what we do these days in this fucking world. Not he hymn no more, he hymned. I've been spooging too quick. Have you? That's what Michael Jackson does. He does he hims. After we do these, there's this fucking world, not he him, no more he hims. I've been spooging too quick. She here. Have you? I think it's been an issue since 1997.

Really? Yeah, it has. Prince? I think it's been an issue since 1997. So I just decided I'm going to do something about it. You're never too old, are you? My hairline,

don't really want to sort that. That sounds... That's happening. That sounds hurty. Tough shit. But how long are you... Because I love my wife. She's very beautiful.

By the way, sorry. What? What a workplace we've developed here, by the way. Where the oldest and baldest man in the room gets to say, I don't want me hairline fixing. And his 10-year junior friend in the corner gets to go, shut the fuck up. You're having one.

And he's going to win. It's your head. And he's going to win. Tough titty, bitch. Go on. So what's this fire going to do? It's not,

it's not. It's because it basically, I'm very susceptible to Instagram advertising these days. Like I, like I just works. So so came up it was like hey you want to last a bit longer for the for the lady lumps in your life or gentleman oh wow you bought into one of them of it yeah yeah because i get very excited my wife's beautiful i get she gets all naked and she's like, guess what? We're doing it. And I'm like, get a little bit hyped. Guess what?

I'm naked. Clean the windows. Let's play Tig. I hate that as well. Just leave it. Tag. Fuck. Tag, lad.

Tag around. No, it's Tig. It's Tig. It's the thing. It's not Tig. It's definitely not Tig. It is. It is.

It's just not where you're from, you blink and scouse cunts. Everything like, well, in my postcode, it's this. So I cannot fucking conceive of it being anything different. It's just slightly different. This is what I call chewing gum. This is what we call when you get a ride on the back of a fucking bike. It has to be like in Venezuela. It's fucking this.

It's not. It's slightly different in different places. But what is TIG? be like in Venezuela. It's fucking this. It's not. It's slightly different in different places. But what is TIG? What is TIG? It's TIG. Tag is like tag. TIG is like hey TIG. It's TIG. TIG? What the fuck? What did you just say? Tag is like hey tag. TIG is like hey TIG. What the fuck's TIG?

It's the same shit. Slightly mispronounced because we're wolves. There we go. We got there in the end. Go on, so you're playing Tig with Laura. I'd love to play Tig with Laura. It'd be fucking great. Go on. You're playing Tig with Laura.

I haven't told her this, by the way. She's a bollock hole. You're singing him. The kids are like, what's going on? Laura's naked. The kids aren't there. i just you're singing give me joy in my ass give me joy in my ass keep me waiting that's a different hymn give me calm in my ass i'm gay sing that in a very different place still the same same place. Just the priest sings it. The village hymns. The kids aren't there.

You should make a gay church. I think there's pretty long-standing problems with that. No, I'm not talking about like priest fucking kids. I mean, there should be. No, no, I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about the Bible

being a bit like anti-gay. No, yeah, but that's not what I'm saying. Make a gay Bible. What I'm saying is the gays, the gays should get together. They're very good at mobilising. They do that fucking rally every year, don't they a gay Bible. The gays should get together. They're very good at mobilising. They do that fucking rally every year,

don't they, parade? The rally. The gay rally. Fucking gay. You get your car, I'll get mine. We'll just fucking paint them pink and race them round like...

Wow, he's the fastest gay in a car. In the car. Yeah. It's a gay rally. Go on. The gay Bible, like Vogue. No, they should just like, it should be the church of the gays

and they do gay hymns where they just slightly change the words and make them all be gay. Can I just say, a thousand percent. Call me my ass. Call me my ass. Make me gay today, yo.

Call me my ass. So they're doing, they're doing weirdly homophobic parodies of hymns. It's not homophobic. They're doing it. They're reclaiming it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There will be a gay church.

There will be. Of course there will be. That's a lot. Because any religious fucking nonce who's like, God hates gays, is wrong. You're wrong. It's your bullshit. This is not what I'm talking about.

Gaychurch.org. Gay affirming Christian churches. Absolutely. That's not what I'm talking about, is it? This is just priests who aren't asked about people being gay. I want one where you go and learn about the way of the gays. You've got to be gay. Using parody songs from hymns.

Yes! You're talking a gay religion. You've got to be gay to go. I'm not talking about a church that goes, no, you want your dicks on my fella? Don't worry, come on in, have some bread. I don't mean that. I don't mean that. I don't mean that.

That's the Paris bakery. What's the gay church? Like, I don't know, like a gin instead of wine. What's the bread? What's the gays like? No carbs. No carbs? It's a pan au chocolat.

No, it's a gin. Is that a gay carbohydrate? It's gay bread, innit? a gay carbohydrate it's gay bread isn't it no croissant's gay bread no but he he's right don't the gays

eat Twix's every time every time every time we do this yeah they're always eating Twix's I'm like come on Bradley

have a Snickers no no I'm a Twix man. I'm absolutely full of Twix. That's a new homophobic slave, by the way. Twix man. You hear about John?

Rumours is he's a bit of a Twix man. You know what I mean? Go on, Dan, what do gays eat? Gay church will be classed. And they just change all the Christian ones. Because the Christians... He's Gay church will be classed. And they just change all the Christian ones. Because the Christians... He's just talking about a nightclub. He's just literally describing a gay nightclub.

No, it'd be amazing. Loads of gay guys turn up. They put music on. And they're all into, like, gay sex. Yeah, you're not inventing gay clubs. They've been going a while. And they should call it something like gay, but not that on the nose.

G-A-Y. And no one wants to go on Sunday morning. Do it on Saturday night. That's well gayer. This has all been happening for a while. No, but you don't go, I want to go in here like the parables and stuff of the early gays.

The holy waters come. The early gays? Yeah. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Who's the Messiah? Who's the Messiah? John Badham.

No, Stephen Gately. Oh, well, he's dead, isn't he? Who invented Twitch? So is Jesus. I know, that's the point. Yeah, that's the Messiah? Louis Spence. Stephen Gately. John Badham. All of them. Stephen Gately. Well, he's dead, isn't he? Who invented Twitch? So is Jesus. I know, that's the point. Yeah, that's the point. I thought you were arguing. No, he said Louis Spence.

He's not dead. So he can't be Jesus. You don't know that. He might be the second coming now. Whoa. Second coming. You have to buy an extra ticket for that. I think Louis Spence is the gayest man.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Every time we do this, Carl makes me nervous. Like, we're being dicks, but Carl's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're being dicks. What about Twix?

Oh. Badass. Go on, so you're using performance hands with drugs, playing tick with Laura, in a gay church on a Saturday, you're singing hymns. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What else?

But obviously there's a lot in the Bible that is, like, anti-gay, and it's all made up bollocks as well. Adam's over it. It's all made up bollocks, isn't it? So the gays get to make up bits from the past. Or they make Jesus gay. They go back and go,

I found other stories. Loads of these other stories. Jesus was actually on the side. Judas. The reason Judas fucked him off. Didn't he hang around with a prostitute that he never slept with? Mary Magdalene. Wasn't she the woman though who he was banging? No, I don't think he ever had a wife did he no maybe he was shagging judas and that's why judas betrayed him because judas found out that jesus was never going

to go public and do a hard launch doing a doing a dinner inviting all your mates going one of you that's going to betray me it's pretty camp if he says it like that it is yeah it is yeah especially yeah you're right in that voice sounds Sounds like Marry the Fair side. I haven't watched it. Dan, can we hear about the performance on some drugs, please? Before Adam gets us cancelled. I was just trying to wean my way around to the second Bum and a Christ.

That's all I was trying to do. Cut to the end. It's a great punchline. It needed more work. We needed a little bit more journey. cut to the end it's a great punchline it needed more work we needed a little bit more journey how'd you last longer

could you are you harder I did you know I did was it a PB no my PB no PB's

because when you're boozed up then you're breaking all sorts of PB's oh my god little bit of jingling in your system you're like but that's

all those days are gone I can't fuck after the Chinese I avoided that you're eating a lot of prawn toast yeah Laura's getting it playing a big game of TIG. Yeah, Laura's getting it. Playing a big game of TIG. Or TIC.

She knows what it is. Now, get your arsehole out. Give me calm in my arm. I tried not to say that. I swallowed it. Are you going to start crying? Have I said it? Go on. Don't touch it.

Yeah, when you've got some Chinese and your floor is naked you're playing tick there's hymns on there's gays it's Saturday night God's gay Jesus is gay

what's going on in this place do you know what a lot of the times when I'm making love to my wife I think I'm too easily distracted well I lasted I lasted eight minutes rather than four

that's a lie I think you're like that's disgraceful alright I lasted eight minutes rather than four. That's a lie. I think you're like, that's disgraceful. All right. I lasted twice as long. Do you know what my problem is? When I'm on top, it's like my dick's like, and now? Now?

As soon as she's on top, it's very much like ladies first. Of course. Really? Oh, I'm the exact opposite. Are you? I'm with Adam. I know I'm with you. Oh, no.

So with me, if I'm on top, given the good word, amen, I can very easily, as soon as she goes, oh, ticket to the limit, which she's likely to do, it gets me, for some reason, I have to go, oh, slow, slow. And I'm just like, recently, a couple of months ago, I was thinking, this is a bit shit. Like, I want to be better at this. It's because we don't bonk drunk.

We go, hey, we should like... So I'm stone cold sober and apparently just get too excited. I'm still... We go, hey, we should... But as soon as she's on top, I've got that control. You've got them tits in your face. It's great. I've got that control.

But when I'm on top... But you're not in control. No. That's the... But that's the mad thing. No, I'm the same as Dan. I also think because i've been wanking for decades i'm used to coming when i'm on my back i'm never like lent over the bed

like wanking am i so me like when i go on my back it's like my dick goes yeah muscle memory for whatever reason it's just the way it works as soon as i'm not on top it's like i can i've got way more control anyway took a him they like, weirdly minty, whatever. I'm not saying this is for everyone, but I felt, it says take an hour before, felt fucking great. Were you horny? Yeah, I was horny.

I'm horny anyway. Did you have to plan though? Because if you haven't taken an hour before, you're having to arrange it. Laura went, Laura went, Laura went, little window here. I was like, oh, I know what I mean. Did she, was she outside?

Did she find a new room in the house? A little window here. Did she know you'd taken them? Dad, I found a little window. I know what you mean. Are you kegs on? We've never seen this before. We've lived here four years. We should get this double glazed. We should get this double glazed.

Oh my God, she's really horny. Did she know you'd taken her? No, I've not told her yet. Oh, that's disgusting. You should probably tell a quarter of a million people then. Yeah. Hello. Why did you not tell her?

You're embarrassed. Do you know what? I just didn't want to be like, oh, it's bad for you or something. It isn't bad for you though, is it? No. It's good for her as well.

No. But I feel great and honestly, it went dead good. Time moves differently when you're making love. Do you not think? I can't,

I'd love to know. When I'm in the cold plunge. Like that down there. Yeah, that's good for the gay church. When I'm in the cold plunge, a minute and a half, I know every one of those seconds. Like that is a slow moving minute and a half. A treadmill minute is four hours.

I can't tell you what the actual bonks have been, but it's been in and around five, six minutes. I think it was more like 10, 15. You should never time them, but that's all. No, I know know that's what i'm saying i can't really helps with that but it was a rewind it go fucking hell we got miles in right never do that well listen it's not the you know i don't know it's not wolf of wall street how did you feel good it's not it's good do you feel sexy but i had a bit of control i was on top like taking it to the limit and i was like hey fucking i it worked how would you make big fun i think we should get them as a sponsor they are But I had a bit of control. I was on top, like, taking it to the limit. And I was like, hey, fuck.

It worked. How would you make yourself fun? I think we should get them as a sponsor. They are not. It might be a placebo effect, though. Yeah. Try it next week with a minstrel. Just dancing.

Again? Why? I avoided it. Who? I avoided it and you went to Honourable Town. See if he puts you off he's a tricky booking for a Wednesday morning he has to be available

in five minutes on a window here I'm going to have a little fuck out gun maybe call John see if he's on Dan who's down in the window it's a minstrel

ignore him he's just looking why is he dancing I don't know carry on if he's on. Dan, who's that in the window? It's a minstrel. Ignore him. He's just looking. Why is he dancing? I don't know. Carry on. By the way, is this going to be the new trope?

If anyone does an off-color joke? Ooh, that's the wrong turn of phrase. Carl's going to be like, I swallowed that like a fucking trooper. You naughty lads. Do you think you're going to keep using? Big fan. Performer is... He's the Lance Armstrong of pussy now.

I'll help you in India. What's going on in India? Oh, right. Good God. An old fizz. What do you know about India? Oh, right. Good God. An old fizz. What do you know about India? Jesus Christ.

I don't think Zoe's Place has told us everything. Yeah, yeah, you're going to be raising money, cycling, banging. You can't last five minutes in India. So how did you make yourself cum? I just concentrated on the minstrel well it's a treat john get in the window dirty girl go on did you have to like go like it's come time no it was all the same just longer and more control big fan hashtag not ad, but you know,

if they're listening and want to sponsor, Dan loves your... I tell you what, it did. And again, is it a placebo effect? I don't see how it could be.

Have you told Steve to get in touch with them? Because they do sponsor podcasts. They sponsor those American ones. I spoke to Steve yesterday. For him. Bill Bear says it like that.

Big, like, for someone, I'm not ashamed to say it. Don't buy them yet until we can get you the discount code. Yeah,

yeah, wait. But as someone who, you get in there and you're like, oh, this is nice and you just feel,

it's not, I've never had a- How many times have you had sex? Are you not like, you must be adept now, surely? That's what I thought,

Carl. I thought over time, the first time I'd say- You must have been having shit sex in your 20s. No, sex you know you're not like you must be adept now surely that's what i thought carl i thought over time the first time i had sex in your 20s that no it was good no it's on drugs okay though that's what it is that you ain't having regular sex you ain't laying out i was having i was having so much more sex than no but you were on you were on drugs so it was last night you went i wasn't always on drugs that was so why have why have you got waist? That was my head. I don't know. Sometimes you get waist. I thought by now... Michael Owen.

I am Michael Owen. And Liverpool fans don't love me. All I want is to last longer in bed and for Liverpool fans to love me. Just like Michael Owen, I can't. Plus I love horses. And killing rabbits. Oh, God. So, listen. I don't't. Plus, I love horses. And killing rabbits. Oh, God.

So, listen, I don't know. It was all the same, but longer. Can you take one for a wank? What? Can you take one for a big sexy wank? Yeah, I did. I had a... Are you a practice?

Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah. A wet run. I had a dry run. That was good as well. Did it last longer for a wank? Mm. Yeah.

Oh, shit. Is it sexier? Oh, yeah. Especially because of what I was wearing. No, I mean, do you feel like, whoa, sometimes you have for a wank? Mm. Yeah. Oh, shit. Is it sexier? Oh, yeah. Especially because of what I was wearing. No means you're feeling like, whoa, sometimes you have a sexy wank. Yeah. It's great.

Okay. Mm. And that's not an ad. Steve! Get it sorted! Steve's on it. If you can get it sorted, in the next half an hour,

it can go in this week's episode. Fucking brilliant. Whew. Anyway, thanks for bringing that up, Finn. No worries. What did you even say? You said you had a spring in your step. You had a spring in your step today.

Well, it's because I've been using cock pills. We even went to the gay church in between there as well. We're going to do another tier list. I'm really enjoying today. Oh, shit, we've got time. Dan, have we got time? Yeah, we've got time. We'll make time. All right, okay. Whoa right whoa right so last week went down very well we're going to do a sequel in

the next few weeks to the one hit wonders because people don't understand that we've only got a limited time hey we can we can come back to one but just because it's it's blown up on socials chesney hawks has been in touch i mean it's all been pretty mental. And there's a chance Chesney Hawks is going to come in and do the fucking one hit wonders again with us. But so many people went,

A, because of this, check our socials at Have A Word Pod because so many people had an opinion about where it was or what was wrong or what we missed.

We might do round two of one hit wonders. But I think Chesney Hawks should be here for that. Right. But if he's not, we might do it. I mean, i mean he's got into it so this week we've gone so sorry just before we do this yeah i just i want to be proper clear with people because i know what people were getting frustrated by i had because i shared it i had loads of replies going have you missed this off the link

yeah the list we know finn knows that he's missing off good ones because if it's we can only put 10 things on this thing we can only put 10 things on this thing. We can only put 10, can't we? We've got more this week. We can do more. It was a pilot, essentially. We were just trying it out. And if there's 10 good ones

and we put them all in God's ear, that's not the spirit of the thing. He was trying to show contrast. Intentionally and unintentionally miss some that you would really love, but comment them and let us know what you think of them. This is just like the ones we've selected so that there's a varied yeah by the way the level of anger that some people had about the ketchup song they're like what it's a fucking classic like it's just

we're not it's not it's a one-it wonder and it's shite didn't realize how divisive goat yeah it was though yeah that is one either people go that is the best one or it is shit where did we put it second stop yeah only because me and finn lobbied for it i think yeah yeah uh this week we've gone I don't want either people to go, that is the best one or it is shit. Where did we put it? Second stop. Yeah. Only because me and Finn lobbied for it, I think. Yeah, yeah. This week, we've gone for, Dan suggested this one, we've gone for superheroes.

And we've got a fair few here. Some of the most well-known ones. Can I ask you a question? Some of the more obscure ones, yeah. Is that Derren Brown? It might be Derren Brown. Right, okay. I did lobby for that one. He's a closer.

He's a closer. Carl did suggest this one. I think I'm right as well. Do we want to start with Derren Brown. Right, okay. I did lobby for that one. He's a closer. He's a closer. Carl did suggest this one. I think I'm right as well. Do we want to start with Derren Brown then? No, we've got to finish with Derren Brown. Okay, so the first one we've got is Wonder Woman. Where are we thinking for Wonder Woman? Let's just remind everyone of the tiers.

God tier is the top. Dead good, sound, meh, and then shite. I'm just going to say this before we say anything else as well. I'm not a big superhero guy. So the ones I here i'm gonna go hard on yeah and then like like some wonder woman i've never watched that shape i think some of them are just part of the guys their theme is great they're not like that so there's a wonder woman from the 70s and 80s who was getting re like you know when back in the day the amount of stuff I watched that was from the 70s

because I was watching TV in the 80s it was just on replay there was an 80s Wonder Woman which was very like one of my first like boy crushes

there isn't no Gal Gadot Gal Gadot no she's just being replaced at the minute I mean Gal Gadot is for noms but the old school lady

who probably now looks should we have a look at who it was 70s Wonder Woman that might be a fancy dress for the sexy times that would work on me this one oh well based on the fancy dress element yeah yeah i think she has to go near the top press on one of them press on one of the there's bad fuckable there you go oh lads come on that meat that was on

saturday afternoon i'm struggling with it now because she looks quite a lot like my mum. Yeah, but that's why I've always liked her. I was like, oh God. Right, where are we thinking for Wonder Woman? Is that how fit Anro was? I'm not comfortable answering the question. In a heyday. In a heyday.

Oh, my mum was great. Where are we thinking? Carl? I like her theme. I think the theme, the noise. The music? Yeah, I think that is sick. But I've never actually, you know,

we've just seen how Faith Adams' mad is over there. Oh, but it's our mums, isn't it? No, it's Adam. No, I know, but it's a special thing. I know, but we've got... So I'm thinking Wonder Woman's kind of a mid-tier. I would put Wonder Woman. Sound, I reckon. I'd put her in meh, to be honest withtier. I would put Wonder Woman. Sound, I reckon.

I'd put her in meh, to be honest with you. You'd put her in meh? I don't even know her superpower. What is it? Is she strong? She's like a god, isn't she? She's like a goddess. And she's got the whip.

Face and hair. Lasso thing. Right. Without joking. A little bit, yeah. And also cracking tits. She's got like a lasso of truth. Make she tell the truth.

I think she's meh. Oh, she's got a what? A lasso of truth. Oh, who wrote that in a script? You fucking do. Women want honesty. She's got a lasso of truth. And she loves irons.

And she can do that dead quick. Loves iron man. Fuck off. I think she's a bit meh, you know. It's meh. It's meh. We're going meh? I'm punching, I think.

Okay, we're going meh. The next one is Ant-Man. So that is portrayed by Paul Rudd nowadays. I'm putting it in dead good just because Paul Rudd's cameo in Friends is class. Can I say with Ant-Man? Absolute. Get it in the shite.

You watched it? I love Paul Rudd. Love Paul Rudd. Yeah. He's great in everything. Couldn't give a fuck about Ant-Man have you seen what the fan theory was for him to kill Thanos

he should crawl up Thanos' arse and then go big again that was a theory go big again because it'd like blow him up why didn't he crawl up as Bellend why Thanos is so

so suspicious about an itchy arsehole so I think Ant-Man's a bag of poo I haven't seen it. I've never watched it, but I never will. Michael Douglas is great in Ant-Man. What is his power?

What the fuck is Michael Douglas in Ant-Man? He's the guy that invented Ant-Man. Oh. And he's phoned it in. Is this just a superhero version of Honey, I Shrunk the Kids? Not far off, by the way. Does he just go tiny and that's it? He goes tiny and he can go massive.

He can change his size. Oh, superhero, that, isn't it? The tall one's quite good. Get him in shite. Shite? Okay, we're going shite. The next one, I'm batting for God's sake. This is Batman.

It's got to be. He's the best superhero. There's no question. Let's not waste our time. Well, there is the argument that he isn't a superhero, but he is. Yeah. Because he hasn't got... There's also the argument that he isn't a superhero, but he is. Yeah. Because he hasn't got...

There's also the argument that he's not a person, but that's bollocks as well, isn't it? Like, he is a superhero. That's right. Yeah. There's also an argument that that's a blue cup, and it's wrong. No, but he hasn't got superpowers.

He is just double fucking Ra's al Ghul hard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's hard and rich. And he's got a belt that's like, what? But he's still God Tier, because it's the coolest one, yeah, yeah. He's hard and rich. And he's got a belt that's like, what? But he's still God tier, because it's the coolest one, isn't it? He's the coolest Tory in history. He's everyone's favourite Batman.

Yeah, he's the coolest. I want him in God tier. Oh, favourite Batman? Yeah. Christian Bale? The Christopher Nolan Batman. Okay. Batman's amazing.

The next one's the first interesting one we've got, is that it's a lower tier one, and this is Asbestos Lady. Finn? Yeah? Have you been making things up and doing graphics no i wish i could what's asbestos lady she sounds like a dinner lady who got stuck on a roof asbestos lady is victoria murdoch she did unfortunately passed away at the age of 45 due to exposure to asbestos so she she's not... Oh, she was a method actor? She's not the greatest superhero. Oh, this is you being really crass.

What? Is she a superhero or did she just die of cancer? What? No, it's a superhero but the superhero died of cancer in the comics at 45. Oh, with the woman? Oh, no, no, no. This is asbestos lady. Right? What whale cheese I'm putting this shite They were running out of ideas that day

What's this building got Asbestos What do we not like Ladies Asbestos lady Dead at 45 What's her superpower Asbestos

Fucking health insurance That's her superpower That's not an answer She can like fire it at people If it kills you like years later it's like tell you what

you're fucked at about 10 to 15 what world what you come up on the roof she's in marvel she's a marvel villain so she's chilling

with spider-man and that yeah yeah if she's fucking lucky get it in shite god to you get it in shite

by the way, there's going to be absolute superhero fans here who are like, you don't get what our man's about. I love it. I can't wait to see it again.

Right, so where are we going for shite? Asbestos lady's dead good, IMO. Fuck off. Should we put her in sound then because that's kind of in the middle of what everyone said.

I think you're being stupid. Let's put her in sound. Right, the next one. She'd be a good bevy. Put her in shite. Now. Put her in shite. It's asbestos lady isn't it

she'd be good not towards the end uh next one is black panther never seen it you know i think he's dead let's just let's just let's just hedge our bets you know occasionally we say some fucked up stuff we uh you know We make jokes at everyone's expense. And I think we should do our bit for the black community and make it God tier. I think it's dead good. I don't think he's God tier superhero. What did he do? What's his power?

So they're in like another... It's a black power. Yeah, it's black power. He got equal rights. It's the civil rights. I've never seen it. No, no, you haven't. No.

In the Marvel on Earth, there's another kind of secret land, which is where- Wakanda. Wakanda. Wakanda Forever. Which is where his people are. Not superhero.

And they're super advanced. Like, I'm having a lovely time with this, but this is a very bad one for me to be doing because I don't watch anything like this and I couldn't give a flying shite. Put it in dead good. Put it in dead good. Dead good.

Okay, we've gone for it. So the next one is Thor. Bit of a goff here, isn't he? It's amazing what Carl decides is a goff. Thor. Probably drinks Monster. He does look like he drinks Monster. Yeah, he does to be fair.

If he was sat outside the courts with a can of Monster, fingering some beer with a fucking, like, like a fishnet on. Like, you'd be like, yeah, he's a sword, isn't he? That's what he does.

Doesn't sound like a terrible life. He's the cock of CEX. Is he the one with the big hammer? Yeah. Yeah. Sounds like a dick. He doesn't have his power. He can just hold hammers.

Yeah. Apparently the Thor Ragnarok or whatever it's called is an amazing film. He's got his power. He can just hold hammers. Yeah. Apparently the Thor Ragnarok, or whatever it's called, is an amazing film. He's very popular with the Marvel lot, isn't he? Thor? Yeah. Not so much anymore, but yeah, he was.

What did he do, bro? His last film was Shite. Taika Waititi's fallen off on him. He's a bit of shit. Do you know what else he can do? He can break your freezer with his mind. Nice. Can we put Thorin's dead good

yeah no no you reckon just sound sound right the next one just nothing

like he's a three star with you isn't he he's a goff the next one is the incredible Hulk that's gotta be God on it big man

it's gotta be God because I've heard of it when he batters that's how this section works who's that maggot he fucking does all this too. Loki. Loki, yeah.

That's funny. Also, it's just such a, like compared to Asbestos Lady, who was licking garage roofs, it's shite, innit? This guy, he's like a normal bloke, but when he's fuming, he just turns into this raging green monster.

I love it. It's like an alcoholic dad yeah not my one mine sounds so where are we going he's like a stereotypical alcoholic dad like it's when you like an alcoholic dad in a film as a bevy he's the elk yeah he's superhero right so he's going my son is so obsessed with h Hulk he loves it right okay we're going God's here yeah yeah yeah

right the next one is Aquaman what we thinking what did you say the other day the Spanish version Aquaman Aquaman

Finn yeah have you seen any Aquaman stuff I'll be honest not his solo films no I've seen him in

you've seen him when he was in the Spice Girls but since he's left you haven't looked is that Jason Momoa it is Jason Momoa what can he do swim talk to fish he's an aqua dr doolittle what cut that out you'll definitely cut this out he's

an aqua dr doolittle so he can talk to fish he's any like control water and was people with water was people with water just don't go near the sea. Oh, I've told that shark to kill you, so I'm just staying at it. Tsunami. Up the Newcastle. Right. He can send Newcastle fans to your house.

Tsunami. Can I tell you what affects Aquaman for me? Go on. I never heard of him until Family Guy, because I don't think we had... There was never a film back in the day, was there, Aquaman? There was never a massive one. No, but when the film came out,

I feel like it's quite an American thing, Aquaman. So I've got no sort of nostalgia for it. He sounds like he fiddles with jellyfish. He sounds like a water nonce. Yeah. He does a little bit. Right. He shags fish, doesn't he?

He doesn't shag them. He shags Amber Heard in the film. God, yeah. She's so good at sex she's in a bed yeah oh she's she's bananas yeah um i think maybe meh yeah i'll give you that yeah yeah 100 yeah yeah right next one one of the big ones again this is spider-Man. Tap in. Tap in. What are you putting there? Oh, Spider-Man's God tier.

He just chisels out of his wrists. No, he's not. No. No? He literally just goes... He can just swing from building to building. Just stay in the house. Again, stay inside the house with your new swing around it.

He's also got super strength and can shoot webs. One tens. Wantons. Seconds apart. I think he's... Do you see that thing when Tom Holland's pretending to do it? Yeah. And like Zendaya, there's a lovely moment when Zendaya's like...

Flashbacks. She's seen him come out of his car? No, I don't think that's it, Karl. I think God's here as well. I think it's dead good. I don't think he's like, who would you rather go for a pint with? Spider-Man or the Hulk?

Is that what the tier list is? Oh, no, but he's going to ruin the night, Hulk, isn't he? He's going to ruin the night. He's great for the first three pints, the Hulk. No, he's a fucking nightmare. He'd be classy. In a taxi queue. Get him another shot

and watch him go all green and big in there. He'd be classy. George Spider-Man is a Ming. George Spiderman is a Ming. Yeah, he's a Ming. And it's a Ming superhero as well. Yeah. Like it's the one that Ming's like. Yeah, I don't know what it is.

He's like a Ming. It's your kid's like into Spiderman above Batman. If I said to my kid, would you rather be Batman or Spiderman and he picked Spiderman, I'd never speak to him again.

Put your son to bed. No, I'm never speaking to him ever again. Right? Like Spider-Man. How divisive is that? It's one or the other. Pick a team. Liverpool or Everton

or fucking Spider-Man or Batman. I'm going to go out of here. I think he goes in shite. No! I can't laugh at it. See, for the long run. I love Spider-Man. He can go in dead good.

You're not having him in God's ear. You can't tell me. I think he's God's ear. He's a mink. And he gets teared up by Spider-Man. Is he as good as Batman? He's not far. No, but he's better than Hulk.

Doesn't he just take pictures of people? What? He's better than Hulk. In what way is he better than Hulk? Who would you rather have a pot moment? More well-rounded character. Who would you rather bun a zoot with? character? Who would you rather bun a suit with? Well, he is green, so yeah, you're right.

What are we talking about? And I want 10 pictures of Spider-Man's bumhole. That's all our film is, isn't it? Honestly, if we put Spider-Man in shite, our Twitter will implode. He's no higher. He's no higher than Dead God. He's no lower than me.

He's just... Right, okay, fine. So he's going in Dead God. I disagree, personally. Right, the next one is egg foo you are doing this on purpose what's egg foo

egg foo one minute that looks like me as a spider that's what Dan asked before he fucked so egg foo is a super villain it's been a really fun episode I'm having such a good time oh Dan's having an egg foo is a super villain.

It's been a really fun episode so far. I'm having such a good time. Oh, Dan's having an egg food. Get me a pussy ready. He uses his... Hello, mate. Can I have some egg food young, please? And Laura's like, oh, I'm going to have a little...

Don't knock on the door. Just drop it at the little window. He winks. I'll have an egg food. You know what I mean? So egg food's an evil character who uses his mustaches as whips Finn

yeah did you think of these when you potted put them wherever you want because no one cares egg foo if you put if you put him in God's hair

you fucking silly little bollocks a buff spider man put him in there what do you mean me put him in shite now

put him in asbestos. You change your tune quick. Put him wherever you want. Right, Superman. Shite or I'll sack you. Superman. Even though he's the artist, he's a Ming, isn't he?

Can I just say, not a big Superman guy. No. I don't think anyone really is. No. Just think it's a bit. He's the poster. He's John Cena, isn't he?

What? Everyone's like, he's the biggest and the best, but no one likes him. No, I don't think anyone thinks that. He's the artist, though's John Cena, isn't he? What? Everyone's like, he's the biggest and the best, but no one likes him. No, I don't think anyone thinks that. He's the hardest, though, isn't he? Yeah, but only because he's not... He's cheating as well.

Only because he's not on his own planet. If he's on his own planet, he's just a normal fella. Was he the first one? To go in the gym and test go in there? By the way, was he the first superhero where they were like,

we need to do a superhero and no one was getting into the niche stuff. It was like, he's a man and he's super. There you go. It is the worst name in it. Yeah.

Superman. I think we put him in sound and just watch people's minds melt. He's a mink? He's like Spider-Man. He's a bad guy. I don't think you can put him lower than sound. But I do...

Can I just ask, who is Superman? Clark Kent. Yeah, but who is that? What do you mean? What's his powers? Where do they come from? Because he's... He's a Kryptonite.

I'm just checking. Krypton. He's from a different planet. I'm just checking everyone knows because some of it, people didn't know any of the other stuff. Oh, egg food? Oh, I'm sorry, we're not an expert in egg food.

Why don't you know what egg food is? Oh, I've seen all of the films. I've seen Christopher Nolan's egg food films. Also, there's a rock. They'd be fucking great, by the way. He gets abandoned as a baby, doesn't he? And then he gets brought to Earth. And when he's on Earth, he's Superman.

But if he's on his own planet, like I said before, he's just a gardener. He is normal. Go back where you come from. So he's going sound? You're going sound for Superman? Yeah. He's not as good as Spider-Man.

What's the internet? Spider-Man's sick. He's like when Polish people come to England and they're good at doing driveways. But when they go back to Poland, they're normal because everyone can do them. That's what everyone says about Superman. He's just like a Polish guy.

Next one, Deadpool. God tier. Gotta be. I reckon he's the most try-hard goth thing ever. Genuinely. Well, we disagree there, Cal, don't we? Yeah. I think it's just dead funny that they've proper subversed it and it's dead self-aware Genuinely. Well, we disagree there, Carl, don't we? Yeah. I think it's just dead funny

that they've proper subversed it and it's dead self-aware and stuff. Once, yeah. No. The second one was good. I don't know. They're both good and they're bringing out Deadpool and Wolverine

and I watched the trailer the other day and I was like, damn it. That looks okay. And Ryan Reynolds, listen, I know he's like, like,

everyone loves him and part of, whenever that happens, I know he's like, like, everyone loves him. And part of, whenever that happens, I want to go the other way and I can't because he's so fucking likable and he's good at, yeah.

Also, I don't, obviously you never want anyone to be out there like, you know, being a bad person, right? But I think Ryan Reynolds

would hurt the world if it ever comes out that he's a little fucking finger he's sexually yeah yeah yeah or like fucking punching people's heads in and that or like bullying people that will that's the one that everyone will go nah ryan you were meant to be the good one lad oh he's funnier than most comics as well in interviews he's so funny the issue with deadpool is he's made it so synonymous with him that there will never be another. I can't see anyone else playing him. I think it's dead good.

I don't know if it's God tier. I think he's a try hard goth. I'd put him in shite. I'd go dead good as well then. Go on then, put him in dead good. Grab your way, as always. Right, okay. This is the last of the silly ones. Is this Chair Man? This is Chair Face Chippendale. Chair Man. By the way, Chippendale. Chair Man.

By the way, Finn, if you've made these up, the creativity that you've applied to it. Chair Face Chippendale? Chair Face Chippendale. Is he a dancer? He's a supervillain again. Is he superheroes? Yeah, no, he's part of the superhero line.

Get him in God Tier. What's his powers? Sit and dance? He's just a bad guy. His catchphrase is, sit on my face. He had a difficult life growing up because of his appearance,

so he was bullied and became a supervillain. No shit, he had a difficult time at school because he had a chair as a face. You've got a face. As long as I've got a face, I've got something to say. That's what he'd say to all the girls. Because there's a chair.

What are we thinking for Jeff? Did you hear me say that 30 seconds ago? Oh, did you? I apologise. Right, Captain America. Again, a Ming. And he was a Ming before he had something. What was it?

Carl, do you think all of these are Ming? Superhero juice. I can't remember what it's called. Superhero juice? Something like that. That sounds good. You had a floob? They put him in Frozen or something. I can't remember what it's called superhero juice something like that sounds good you got a they put they put them in frozen or something i can't remember years ago i think he's either

he sounds dead good he's not shy but i'm not just put him in sound sound also he looks like he'd be like build a wall don't he because of maga you're like captain america might be a little bit right wing like he's pro gun could be meh. Shit pint. I don't know. Imagine how boring he'd be. How good's America? Shut up, lad. Let's go meh. Yeah.

Right, okay. A few more left. Wolverine. Up there. He's a cool goth. Isn't that mad? Wolverine's quality. I think he goes in dead good, though.

I don't think he quite makes the gods here. He's a superpower. He's got knives in his hand. He's a wolf. Man. And he heals. What's the metal he's made of? Aluminium. Antimantium.

What's Harry saying? Go on. Oh, go on, Harry. Get the mic to him. Adamantium. Adamantium. Oh, well done, Harry, you little geek.

I know what you mean. Dead good. Dead good. But he's class. He's a cool goth. All right, okay. Three more left. Black Widow.

Survived the death of her husband she's strong in that sense i'm not i'm couldn't give a shy all right fine no discussion on that one cat woman oh if we're going the one from like the nolan ones just and hathaway yeah oh and also Michelle Pfeiffer she did 9-11 she did 9-11 I think it's dead good just for the pornographic images

it puts in my head yeah she's a sexy woman isn't she she's the first woman first woman I ever saw in PVC Michelle Pfeiffer have you seen the newest one

have you seen the newest one Zoe Kravitz Zoe Kravitz you do it have you ever seen Annie Kravitz's dick Kravitz, yeah. You do it. Have you ever seen Lenny Kravitz's dick when it pops out? What? What the fuck?

I just didn't concentrate for a second then. I literally, we were having a conversation about PVC and QVC and you went- See the new one, Zoe Kravitz. Yeah. Oh, right. And have you ever seen when Lenny Kravitz's dick pops out? No. Right, we're going dead good then.

Good chat though. Yeah. Dead good. Right, last one. Derren Brown. God to you. chat, though. Yeah. Dead good. Right, last one. Derren Brown. God's here. God's here. No discussion.

With Batman the Hulk. He's got to be God's here, though. He's a real man. He glued people to their own fucking sofas, mate. He's a fucking goth. He guessed that... You watch your fucking mouth. They're all goths.

All magicians are goths. He's not a magician. He's a mentalist. He's fucking mad. He's not a magician. He's a mentalist. He's fucking mad. He's not a magician. He's a mentalist. He's right though. He isn't a magician. He shits on carpet. He don't give a fuck.

He sparked out a Labrador. He's fucking mental. He could do. He's class. He's a cool guy. He glued people to the counter by the telly. He predicted the lottery numbers. He walks up to people on the love him. He glued people to the counter He won the lottery. He predicted the lottery numbers. He walks up to people on the street and goes, here's that watch

and they just give him it. He has got a knife when he does that though. He made someone shoot Stephen Fry. Yeah. I missed that one. Made someone kill a cat.

Seen that one. Ever seen where someone gets pushed off a roof? Oh, amazing. God too. Right, so there's our tailings. I can't wait for him to come out as a paedophile. He has a real genuine man with superpowers,

and he chooses it for good rather than evil. Is he dead as man or bad? To win the lottery for good. No, instead of like literally, he's literally talked people in to murdering people, and instead of doing that and murdering people, he uses his powers to create great television. He's like people in to murdering people. And instead of doing that and murdering people, he uses his powers to create great television. He's like, Jesus Christ.

He's doing everything, you know, for the good of people to get another series on Channel 4. Then is he dead and brown or brown man? What is he? Brown man. Right, so our tier list. In Shite, we've got Ant-Man, Asbestos Lady, Egg Fu, Chairface Chippendale, and Black Widow.

We've got Wonder Woman, Aquaman, and Captain America. Sound, we've got Ant-Man, Asbestos Lady, Egg Fu, Chairface Chippendale, and Black Widow. We've got Wonder Woman, Aquaman, and Captain America. Sam, we've got Thor and Superman, Dead Good, Black Panther, Spider-Man, Deadpool, Wolverine, and Catwoman, and God's Here, Batman, The Incredible Hulk, and Darren Brown. Let us know what you disagree with in the comments. Get me out of this fucking studio. Order. We've got Red Richardson in the studio with us. We've got Red Richardson.

Long overdue. Thanks for having me. Thanks for coming up. You have had quite a few months. Yeah. No, yeah, it's been good. Yeah? Yeah.

For our listeners who haven't seen one of your videos yet, which is, you know, know i mean they're gonna love it because the the character you're playing you know i'm pretty sure he's a patron of have a yeah yeah yeah where's this come from it's uh i mean my wife says not a character but it like no i just i watched all these videos of people giving advice online i thought this is fucking funny you know it's all these like uber alpha guys. Yeah, I actually did one in 2018 and it got like 300 views. And Josh Weller, my mate, was actually like, you got to do it again.

And I think because that became bigger, like the sort of Andrew Tate people. Yeah. Then it's just, I actually had a guy, he's a fitness influencer on TikTok and he's got like 3,000 followers. So he's trying to, he's a fitness influencer on tiktok and he's got like 3 000 followers so he's trying to he did a five minute video on uh how destructive what i was doing was and he kept going he's not in shape but then he says it like halfway through he goes my brother sent me him on whatsapp so i worked out what was happening is he's getting trashed in the family whatsapp

i went for his other videos and they're all called How to Make a Woman Orgasm and Underdressed to Overdressed. Can you send me that one? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's just that sort of shit. But there's so much of it. But now my algorithm's just that. Because it's all just men. I kind of watch, weirdly...

You've become like full Donnie Brasco. Yeah. I don't know when it starts. There's a guy, I don't know, he's called Davis Clark in America. I don't know if you see him. He's walking around and he always goes, stay locked in and he's always about to do some

exam and revising then you fail the exam but it'll go it's all right i'm gonna be back i'm like taking the piss out of him but i hadn't made a video for two weeks and i run out of motivation i watched one of his videos and it motivated me to make enough so i don't know what's it's sort of merged into the real thing it'd be really funny if at some point you could just word for word do one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like just whatever he's done that day. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Word for word copy it. Exactly the same thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, yeah, tag him in it. But it's gone ballistic, hasn't it? Like your socials have gone insane. Yeah, a lot more. And like Bill Bear shared it.

Yeah. Didn't he get in touch? Yeah, so he shared like three of them and then I messaged him saying thanks for sharing, because he's my favourite, I think, of all time, one of them. And he wrote back saying, your video's hilarious. Like, I came in my pants. But I had that, I showed an act at a comedy club,

the message, and he grabbed my phone and went and i i was like if because i was just if someone wrote back you know what i mean i was like i'd bite you if that had because i look at it when i'm drunk sometimes and i go if i accidentally press like the aubergine emoji or something you know just like just it's i don't even want it on my... It's too precious. But yeah, he did. Channing Tatum did. So it's all the hot guys. Ryan Reynolds shared it as well.

And then who else was there? Chris Pratt. So there's a... It's just... Can I ask you a question? When you're out, because you do them on the... You're walking in a park or... Yeah.

What was the floor coat one? Were you in Abu Dhabi or something? No, that was in Dubai I said in Saudi Arabia yeah um yeah I paid 60 quid uh to get a guy to drive me to the desert to film it and there was a point because he's obviously fucking you know doesn't earn much gets full of influences over there all the time and I was walking filming and I looked and I was, if you left me here, I wouldn't blame you. You know what I mean? Because he just saw me walking around. He's like, what are you doing?

That was, yeah, that was there. But yeah, it's like... How many times, how many times, like, do you have to, it's a fucking, like, it's a monologue, isn't it? Yeah. You have to nail it. Do you have to do it a few takes? Because I've watched it going this is unbelievable memory recall with the timing of it

and everything are you like like eight takes in going oh jesus gonna be a long walk around the park and it depends there'll be people around like someone walk around with their kids and you go you just fucked up you know but yeah sometimes it's first time and then other times it's 10 or 15 it just depends what's happening someone start drilling and it is it's like it's bad because i did that one in the sea the other day and i had to walk in it was a sunday and it was sunny so like everyone was on the beach and i made it i was fully clothed because i wanted to look like i'd been thrown off a boat and so i had to walk into the sea fully clothed because I wanted it to look like I'd been thrown off a boat. And so I had to walk into the sea fully clothed on my phone.

And you kind of have to strip all your dignity and just go, in the name of content. But, like, I walk in and I'm just soaked and everyone's just looking at me, what the fuck is he doing? That one took ages because it was so cold so I couldn't get the words out. And then I finally came out and just come out soaked, got back in the car, and I think they just thought that's my it just looks like you're what like what's that video calling my mom was like lucky they do all right because if they didn't you'd

we'd section you know what i mean if you're doing that and four people watching fucking hell they're fucking but it is it is you do feel embarrassed. But then you've got to do it. Because I think everyone's filming themselves anyway, even if it's like you go, I don't know why, you know, like a florist or something. We're all doing it, aren't we? You've got to now. It started with just comedians,

and then it went comedians and musicians and everything else, and it's all like, oh, sell yourself. But it's every business now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Has got to be putting content out no matter what it is. Like, restaurants have to put, like, videos of their food out. Sizzling burger and stuff like that. You can't start any sort of business without having a content game behind you.

Yeah, but most restaurants don't have to wade out into the sea. No, no, there's very few people who have to do, lower themselves like that. But look, I'm like Kinga from Big Brother. Do you remember her? Yeah. Shove the bottle, yeah. Did she fuck herself with a wine bottle?

Yeah, that's, yeah. Fucked herself with a wine bottle as a man called Antony looked at her and was like, fucking what? The Geordie guy. Yeah. Which Big Brother was it? I checked out by it.

No, this was early though. It was like maybe four, three, four, five. McCosey was in it as well. Remember McCosey? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. McCosey was in it as well. Remember McCosey? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. He fucked it in the fucking,

in the, in the, the hot tub, didn't he? Is that the arse? Who did he fucking, oh, I remember something like that.

Who was the first person to do it? First person to win? No, to shag in that house. I can't remember who it was. It was like a big deal. I don't know. First person to win it was a scouser.

Craig. Craig. Craig Charles. Where's Craig now? Handyman Craig. Yeah. Craig Charles. Where's Craig now? Handyman Craig. Yeah. Craig Charles. He might...

He was in both left, wasn't he? He was a painter and decorator, weren't he? And then he, like, full handyman. That's what, like... Yeah. He got, like, his own, like, DIY show. And he was on, like, This Morning with Phil and Holly, going, hey, that's how you screw stuff in.

Math. Just showed you. Had a show of life. Whoa. Michelle and Stuart were the first people to have sex on Big Brother okay

big up Michelle and Stuart what was King what season was she she was King I think it's King I'm King from Big Brother 6

she basically I remember you 2005 I don't know what series that was that was one of the biggest moments in TV history that though I remember that people thinking that I don't know what series that was. That was one of the biggest moments in TV history, that though. I remember that.

People thinking that was the worst society could get. That now looks like the fucking Renaissance. You wouldn't hear about it. You wouldn't hear about it now. If that happened now, if your big brother and someone fucked themselves with a wine bottle, you might not know about it. But here we are, fucking 19 years later, going, it but like here we are fucking 19 years later going like

it's like a soul of the eclipse do you remember the eclipse? she's like Princess Diana now put the special glasses on to watch it well there's these two two twins called the island boys

have you seen them? they kissed each other for content because their numbers were dropping so they made out with each other that's where we're at

I'm getting in the sea they're kissing each other. It's fine. There's so much shite now. You miss... You know the US government confirmed aliens a couple of years ago? Jordan Colwood, don't want to...

Yeah! They confirmed aliens! Everyone went, ah, blah. Everyone was like, ah. No content of them, though, is there? Yeah, yeah. Don't care. Get their boozers open, Rishi!

If an alien fucked itself with a bottle i reckon we'd be interested yeah we want to know yeah those are the only fans that'd work i think they'd speak king gone whoa whoa that's the best thing i've ever done on this podcast i am i love the recency buyers of those best thing ever there's another as well like everyone um because i obviously algorithm is so shit but i always get those gangster podcasts you know when it's two guys yeah oh yeah but it's funny because you go like they talk about like how many people they killed in the 80s and then they're like oh we never snitch on and then they're doing a pod about it but they like you go this is mad that

they were probably like digging a hole in a basement in New York and then go oh we should start a fucking podcast together you know I mean it's just like everyone has one yeah yeah yeah but they all do the hooligan guys as well

I just dig in I just have a laugh with each other and go this should be a podcast you know yeah yeah our dynamics

right we can do that well there's that Sammy the Bull Gravano guy you know he's killed he killed 20 people and he does the circuit.

Yeah. No, he does. He's killed 20 fucking people. There's also, there's like three of them. John Elite. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Michael Franzese. Mikey Franzese.

Yeah. They all just go on and go, yeah, I killed loads of people and everyone's like, oh, cool, yeah. Yeah. It's weird. It is. But they've all been kicked out, haven't they?

Obviously. No, not all of them. And they're not admitting it. They're just going, I know how these things went down. They're doing an OJ. Oh, no, John Elite. If I did it.

John Elite says I killed all these people. This is how I did it. He must have been to prison then. He has. And he's out. Michael Fanzese goes, here's how you would do it if you were going to. Yeah.

Yeah. If I was in the mob. Yeah. This is how I did it. He's literally talking to Piers Morgan going, you know, people have been killed and I knew about it. I think that's a direct quote. You know what I mean, Piers?

Is the Mafia just fucking closed down like Woolworths now? Are they done? I think the Italian one is kind of. Because if people are going in podcasts going, hey, this is what happened as I went down. They're all dead. All their people are dead. So it's like, you you know i don't know

i think they're just a little more i mean john gotti was basically a celebrity wasn't he yeah yeah yeah yeah i think it's just a little bit more like hey stop being so out of face and no one let's let's just do podcasts they got him because on the on the wire taps he always talked about himself in the third person yeah so in case there's any, any thought it might not be him. You go, aye, John Gotti severed his fucking head. Me?

It's like, that's great. Aye, John Gotti did all them plans. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Me, John Gotti, born on this day. Yeah. My national insurance number. It's, the hooligan ones are great as well.

When it's like, they talk about like the 80s and you just sound like such fucking losers no like there was eight of us 300 of them and it's like yeah and probably like 70 dads and their kids trying to have a good day and you're fucking ruining it proper naughty i love those dudes and then they talk about mental health like a mental health's important at the end of everything you're like what's that have to do with what you've just been saying yeah i killed a lot of my life... It goes, you know, I killed 28 people

and I used to punch people up a mill wall. But, you know, it made me sad. I feel bad about it. I kick fuck at them. Now I do yoga. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sponsored by Calm. Yeah, they confuse genuine guilt

for the stuff they've done with actual mental health problems, I think is the problem. So maybe you should be depressed. You haven't seen your kids because you spend every weekend beating people up on football. Remorse. You're mad at this cunt. When's the ISIS podcast?

What? When's the ISIS podcast? 20 years' time, probably. Like, 20 years ago, we would have had the mob one. They might just be already doing it. They're just not putting it on YouTube. Yeah. They've got their own one. Yeah. like 20 years ago they might just be already doing it they're just not putting it on YouTube yeah they've got their own one

yeah they'll have radio stations shortly genuinely what yeah propaganda isn't it to the local area

it's not good morning fucking Vietnam for Al Qaeda I bet yeah good morning Islamabad that's not how you know gotta keep the troops happy

You know They're up there In the training camp Fucking bored I bet you There's a I bet you There's an ISIS radio station

Propaganda one I bet you Any money Right There's gotta be Because you gotta Get to the people You gotta speak to

The soldiers and shit What would the music be I wonder If they have any Yeah It is a less developed Part of the world So maybe they just

Haven't got to podcast you. Yeah. It's not Razorlight. No. That's definitely it. That's it. You'll send them a roadcast, like a shoebox appeal.

Well, you never know. Yeah. Here you go. Al-Bayran. ISIS takes over... Whack it on. ...the nation in Libya. There you go.

They've got... They're not podcasting you? No, but they've got an Islamic state. They're a little behind. They're doing commercial radio 9-11.5 crazy hams are in the morning 9-11 and a half

that's a sequel he's bonkers 9-11 and a half 9-11 and a half the next one oh Red you were nearly Harry Potter weren't you

no no that's The next one. Red, you were nearly Harry Potter, weren't you? No. No, that's... That is... I mean, I exaggerated it to try and get some attention. Let's just make sure we get this right and not, like, cut over the last bit. What are yous looking at? Oh, Finn was trying to segue,

and I've just broke his segue in half. Okay. All good. Sorry, you were trying to segue and I've just broken his segue now. Okay, good. Sorry, you were trying to segue from ISIS radio to Harry Potter. To Red being in a near terrorist attack. Oh yeah, that's in as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's actually true. Right, okay. One insane thing at a time. Harry Potter first, terrorist attack. No, I did an audition when I was nine for Harry Potter and I got a call back and then, so when I did my Edinburgh debut,

I made out like, it was just between me and Danny Radcliffe. Oh, you were going to be Harry Potter? Yeah, yeah, I auditioned for it. Okay.

But I didn't want to be, it was like so, at the time, they auditioned like 10,000 kids in the UK. Yeah. And like, any kid with like dark hair

got asked to audition and I got a call back but that you know what was the audition what did you have to do it was you'd have to go like Hermione

don't don't bloody hell you know what I mean I was terrible I don't think you made your lines did you Hermione don't bloody hell

I was like I'm just gonna the charisma's gonna get me through this one I'll blag it yeah I'm gonna fucking wing it back to seeing where

they're all blathered and tiny. He's kicking off. Am I in here fucking leaving? I'm not leaving. Put my own spin on it. Well, then Jack Whitehall apparently said he nearly got the role. And then I found that out. And I was like, I'm not even the most successful person who didn't get it.

It's fucking shit, isn't it? But yeah. No, I didn't get it. Shame. I think, isn't it? But yeah, no, I didn't get it. Shame. I think I would have had more fun. Where was it? Where was the audition? I can't remember. It was somewhere in London.

You're just like in a sort of... Because they were going to schools and everything. By the way, I'm picturing you playing him with that mustache. This got mustache. With that mustache and that voice. Voldemort like... with that moustache this got moustache with that moustache and that voice Voldemort like

yeah yeah yeah I'm not really going home not really yeah Siggy no I think it would have been good it's always like yeah Daniel Radcliffe

I always see articles of him when he goes I don't care about money or stuff like that you know you do well fuck you then man

you should have been like because I do yeah I would have had a way better time you should have been like because i do yeah i would have had a way better time would you have played it differently yeah yeah yeah just a bit more uh i mean more sexual with everyone as well i would have fucked everyone everyone you changed the script you called me the fucker you're playing a nine year old boy I want to fuck everybody

who's this sexed up wizard kid came to fuck yeah follow them up, pens over but uh yeah no I'll show you my defence against your dark eyes scouse them up as well

yeah I think me and Emma Thompson would be talking you know that'd sound worse than this menu would you have added your Hermione if you could cast there

Kelly Brook no didn't even think didn't even need to think the speed of which that came out I can't hold Kelly Brook though Shemima Begum she's Voldemort The speed of which that came out. I can only tell you, but I'll stop.

Shemima Begum. She's Voldemort. She's on the radio now, isn't she? Whoa! What did you say? She's on the radio now, isn't she? She's got drive time. She's got a podcast.

My parenting hell. Oh, fuck. That's bad. A nine-year-old you with a fully grown Kellbrook. Not Kellbrook. Kellbrook? Kellbrook. Oh, do you think I said Kellbrook?

Kellbrook as Hermione Granger would be unbelievable. I said Kellbrook. Come here, Voldemort. I want to. Say Kell Brook. Come here, Voldemort. That one's it. Kelly Brook. And you were almost in a terror attack. Yeah, terror attack as well.

Take that one off. No, I went to... This isn't exaggerated. I was on Oxford Street and it was like... Everyone started... Do you remember when Olly Murs did the tweeting

that day so he basically dropped a new album and everyone was like that's insane yeah no there was a fight

in a it was this was like 2016 so everything was it was like the Bataclan and all that like London Bridge

and all that stuff and so it was like high alert and two guys had a fight and someone in the tube and someone he's got a gun

and that just spread Chinese whispers onto Oxford Street and it was like high alert and two guys had a fight and someone in the tube and someone, he's got a gun and that just spread, Chinese whispers, onto Oxford Street and it was like fucking chaos for an hour. So I like ran up to the fifth floor of this building and just hid under a table. Not good. Did you tell them what was going on? What's that? Did you tell them what was going on?

Nah, fuck them. I just thought the less they know, the closer to the door they'll be. And bullets run out at some point. Fucking hell. Did you really just run into a random building? Yeah, because this woman ran at me. She'd fallen over.

She had blood on her face. She was like, run. And everyone was just running. There was a helicopter circling the thing. People were tweeting. So I think, I can't remember. It was like Tommy Robinson or someone like that got hold of it

and was like, ISIS are fucking attacking. The Daily Mail did a story saying a bomb's gone off. So I was like Googling all this stuff. Good responsible journalism. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it's so quickly and Olly Murs is there like, I'm hiding in fucking HMM changing rooms. Olly Murs on the scene. Yeah, you can just picture him clutching some fucking ripped jeans.

Eight ripped jeans, eight pink t-shirts so it wasn't it was just it wasn't it was just a fight so the whole place got locked down for like an hour it was genuinely like all the police were there was helicopters everything nothing happened but it was this sort of like i people like, you really saw like the fucking, the side of human beings just within seconds. Like it's like. If on Oxford street, if I could hear a hubbub and then a woman ran towards me, bleeding from the face and shouted,

run, I'm fucking out of there. It wasn't just that, it was like the whole street behind her running. So it's like, fuck. And so, you know. Would you start punching people out the way? way i think what he means is humanity just breaks down everyone's like every man for

himself just start swinging yeah yeah yeah that's it you're fucking going down but no this costa fucking this they put a table in front of their door and then everyone just lay under the table like this and people were like banging going let me in it's just people clutching their sandwiches like if i don't look at you you don't exist it's only so much coffee to go around yeah yeah it's so bad um but yeah but nothing actually happened like the episode of friends where ross thinks he's being like shot at and it's a car it's just bad isn't it i haven't seen that one it's class but yeah so it's a weird day like but yeah i realize you go oh yeah there's not going to be any always because i don't know if you're as sad as i am but like sort of five percent of me thinks that

i would con air it in a situation and then I realized that day it's not, you know, not happening. You got any fighting skills? No, no, no. I've just watched fighting. So you know what I mean? But you go, I've seen enough. You do think you'd be a hero though?

Yeah, of course. I watch like 9-11 documentaries just like two or three times a week. I always think I'd have been one of the guys to fight back on the plane. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not just letting him fly that in the Twin Towers. Like if I'm have been one of the guys to fight back on the plane. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not just letting him fly that in the Twin Towers.

If I'm going down, I'm punching his head in on the way. You know what I mean? Oh, totally. I think that. Well, like that Mark Wahlberg thing. Did you hear that? This is fucking great.

He went... Oh, yeah. If I was there, it wouldn't have happened. He goes, if I was there, it wouldn't have happened like that. What you would have heard is a scuffle in the cockpit with my voice on the tannoy.

And Mark Wahlberg can't fly a plane. What's funny about that is he probably would have heard is a scuffle in the cockpit with my voice on the tannoy. And Mark Wahlberg can't fly a plane. What's funny about that is he probably would have done that and then flown into a fucking school by mistake and made it worse. Do you think you fought back? I bet you loads of people got killed on the plane that we don't know of, we never will know of. Yeah.

They'd have killed loads of people on the plane. Yeah, yeah. But if you don't know what's going have killed loads of people yeah yeah but if you don't know what's gonna you know what i mean you go maybe this will land you know no it's hard to know they think you they're telling you hey we're taking you hostage we're gonna land they're not going listen this is going into a building so you're hoping that it's just a hostage situation of course course. The only reason United 93 found out is phone calls. They found out that they'd gone into the towers and they'd gone, oh, they're not landing this plane. We need to take it down. But it's that risk, isn't it?

Because if some guy coked up twat gets up and goes, I'm fighting them. You go, no, this could have landed far, you know. You just don't know. People could be like, sit down, you're making it worse. And you could always go, they've crashed two other planes, but maybe with a negotiation plane. Yeah.

I'm telling you now, though, if they ever do it again, and I'm on it, then I'm fighting back. I'm starting a podcast with them. I'm fucking Wahlberg in it. Yeah, you would fight back, though. I think after 9-11, if someone takes over a plane, now you're like... Because before 9-11, flying it into a building

wasn't a conceivable option. There was bombs that had gone off on planes, but mainly planes got hijacked and taken places and you were a hostage. That's where you go, this is awful. But now everyone's like, lads, you're not flying this into anything. So I think you'd probably, people would be with you.

And then you get control of the plane and fly yourself to a better holiday. All go to Barbados. I've killed the terrorists and we're all going to the Bahamas. A flight with 300 people has landed in Barbados, killing everyone. Crash into the runway. Nearly. Mark Wahlberg is initially being blamed. Prague, load of shite, mate. It's Bali, here we come.

Welcome to Rowe Airlines, boys. Are you the terrorist? What? You just want to go somewhere better? I'll take us somewhere, lad. Hang on, what are the pilots doing at this point? Are you holding them hostage? Listen, I've got rid of them. now you're fucking flying well no

I would imagine I'm just putting myself in the mind of the terrorists which I find quite easy to do I think you blow the pilots heads off don't you yeah

you kill them because then the rest of the passengers will have to trust so they're already gone they trust you to land it then they're gone you're the only pilot left

destination terrorism and you're on a flight to Prague yeah and you're like we're going Bali yeah and everyone tenetism and you're on a flight to Prague and you're like we're going Bali and everyone's like do you reckon we've got enough fuel I do so you're like

yes fine we'll just get dead high we'll float the rest who was the shoe bomber guy he was fucking useless Richard Reid yeah yeah where was that

that was going I can't remember where that was going he kept trying to do it Richard Reid the shoe bomber he had a bomb in his heel and the reason it didn't go off is he didn't have a lighter that worked on the place. And I think he was asking people and stuff.

He got a light. And why was he going to do it? Just a bad guy. He's in Guantanamo Bay. Is he? No, he's not. He's the reason you have to take your boots off at an airport. He's in the Rockies.

He's in the Supermax. He's in the Rocky films? Yes's in the rockies he's in the supermax he's in the rocky films he's reeve and drago uh guantanamo still still doing business it's the supermax guantanamo is it oh he's in all the rockies yeah you know the guy who did night what's he called khalid sheikh muhammad who was mastermind in 9-11. He's still there. And his lawyer hasn't seen him since like 2011. So I reckon he's like... The fellow who masterminded 9-11? I thought that was... Well, Bin Laden, but Khalid Sheikh Mohammed was like the on the ground...

The money guy? Yeah, the details guy. Mohammed, I don't know. So Bin Laden was a figurehead. Bin Laden's like technical director. I think Bin Laden was like, this is Peplinders yeah yeah

he's got he's got bins here do you know what I mean he's I because he's been there for so long and his lawyer hasn't seen him

so I don't know what they've done to him oh they're bumming his head clean off every day he's reeked from Game of Thrones

now you know just leave him what do you mean they want to torture him don't they yeah but don't bum his head but he's a severely,

like severely devout Muslim man. Yeah. To the point where he masterminded 9-11 for the cause. The last thing he wants is to be bummed by a man. He's not. I don't think he's a man anymore. Give my Tommy's margarita when he's thirsty. What are you going to do then?

Can't drink alcohol, can he? But he's thirsty. Not bad. Give my Tommy's margarita and bum his head in. There's some women who'd love that like where you going for the hen do

stacy guantanamo guantanamo with the girls doing a reveal at the airport

departures where we going where is it stacy no fucking idea it's either

prague or bali one of the two we'll be fine i know where it is stacy doesn't mate idea it's either Prague or Bali one of the two will be fun what are you in for 9-11 what are you in Fort Stacey's in here. I'm marrying Gary. What's the deal? If you go to Cuba, is it just a little bit of Guantanamo? There's like the bit where everyone's like, oh yeah.

You don't go near the bay. You get off at the wrong stop. I think it's a very, you know, it's out the way. It's not like on the strip. Two shots. Tiger coming tiger tiger pop don't go too far i was going to go to cuba and then a hurricane hit that hard that um the airport no longer existed and that's it well yeah i was gonna go to guantanamo as well on the strip yeah the airport got blown away i'd love to go to Cuba. I'm still going to go. I was going to go to Cuba instead of Italy last year.

I was going to do a Vexco in Cuba. They've still got the embargo, haven't they? So they're driving the same cars that they had in 1957. Yeah, yeah, it looks good. Yeah, so we say, oh, isn't this cool? They're like, no, we just have... No, they're absolutely impoverished. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'd love a car. It looks classed out. Yeah. Like, I know it's poverty and that, and I'm fetishising it, but it looks classed out. They've had to shabby chic a 1956 Cadillac eight times just to keep the cunt running.

It looks classed out. And you get down to Guantanamo. Like, the photographs you'd get over there, yeah, I know everyone's skinting that, but, like, having one of those cars in the background where you're fucking chonging on a big fucking Cuban cigar. That picture would be your profile picture for the rest of your life.

Whenever we talk like this, it makes me so nervous because I can feel the Patreon special coming. Cuba. The Guantanamo Bay KT special. We're going. We're going. I booked it.

I booked it. They've all got good display pictures though, haven't they? Everyone's got belts. I fucking, look, I'm in my car. You can wear a cream suit and no one bats an eye. Imagine if I got good display pictures, though, haven't they? Everyone's got belts, I fucking... Look, I'm in my car. You can wear a cream suit and no one bats an eye. Imagine if I was sat in a cream suit right now. In my mum's car.

You'd all be like, what are you doing? If I bounced out in a cream suit in Cuba, I'd just blend in. It's worth the poverty. Adam Rowe walking around like the man from Del Monte. It's just fucking class. Are you starving? Look how good I look.

And it reflects the heat. Nice car. Well, they do have good literacy rates there, but it doesn't... Everyone can spell, but no one's going to eat. It doesn't really matter

because they're amateur boxers. Shall we have a little break? Shall we have a breakage? Final bit. Final bit. Part four. Out of four. should have a little break should have a breakage final bit final bit pat four out of four got some correspondence if you want to ask us a question

get it into havewordpod at gmail.com if you want VIP on that shit patreon.com slash havewordpod Liam McKenna asked lads did you see what happened recently

an Arj Barker gig apparently a breastfeeding lady was asked to leave the show because it was putting him off his rhythm. Interested to hear what you make of this and do Dan and Adam think it would be off-putting to them mid-show. A breastfeeding lady.

Babies shouldn't be at comedy shows. That is wild, isn't it? It's not the breastfeeding. It's not the breastfeeding. The breastfeeding doesn't be at comedy shows. That is wild, isn't it? It's not the breastfeeding that... It's not the breastfeeding that doesn't make it any different. You're still there with it, you know what I mean? It's not like, oh, I was breast... So? Yeah. Oh, people can whip

the tits out. All show for me. But why is your baby there? What? Why you got your baby? Leave it at home. Right. She's, like, it's absolutely, it's a total non-issue that's been made into an issue because that's the world we live in because everyone wants clicks and stuff.

Like, he asked her to leave because she had a baby at the show. She's fucking, she's gone. It's because I'm breastfeeding. But that was never specified. No, she's just a fucking nightmare, isn't she? Parents are the most entitled cunts. We are, we're awful, Red.

We're awful. I'm constantly breastfeeding at comedian shows. You're distracting me. I've got my baby in me. Nightmare of a woman. Absolute fucking... What's she doing? I mean, what if it's a venue thing where you're like,

you can have your baby in? What venue? What? Why would anyone have any babies anywhere? Yeah, and it must have been eight o'clock or something. Was this a fringe show? No, a Melbourne festival. Okay, yeah.

So yeah, she shouldn't turn up with the baby. No, it's fucking stupid. And then did you see she went on the news to whinge about it? Like the news were like, can we talk to you? She was like, I'd fucking love to do that. I'd love to have a little bit more of a whinge. And she goes on the fucking news and she's got her baby like because obviously they've got we're gonna need the baby and the baby cried the entire time that's funny

while she was on the news and it was like you see it'd be funny if they kicked her and said sorry can't carry on the broadcast because your fucking baby baby's anywhere the thing is as well if it wasn't the baby there would have been another thing you know she wouldn't have liked to joke the baby's just an a prop here i think she wants to be kicked out because she wanted to get on the news yeah yeah does it mean i'm not asked about breastfeeding but people bring their kids into show the guys fine i don't want to talk about stuff with the 10 year old here no they do that thing of going i'm the parent i'll decide what's allowed you haven't seen this show yeah yeah i don't want to do it it also puts everyone else in the room completely puts them off and then they always inevitably five minutes in get up and leave with the kids

like yeah i told you yeah you're not gonna enjoy this it's insane and it's it's genuine i know you get all uppity when i bring this up because you're a father and you've got children. I don't get all uppity, but is it straw man that you are like raging against all parents? No, they are entitled. It's literally 4.8 billion people in the world. And you're like, they're a fucking nightmare. They're breastfeeding everywhere in my flat. It's a generalization.

And I'm not saying it applies to every parent. 99.99 percent of parents yeah thank you for qualifying yeah thank you you're in the 0.01 no i'm entitled i love it take my kids everywhere to fucking raves you invited me you invited me when i'm gonna bring the baby no why yeah which i said didn't i i said that you oh no i'm not coming then all right fuck off then your baby's not like a ticket to do whatever you want. You use it as an excuse. Carl, respectfully, there's four people going to your wedding, so.

Not you, but it happened. Can I bring my baby? No, the baby isn't invited. It'll be a shit bevy. Do you know, there's another wedding I'm going to, Will's wedding, where he was like, and kids are invited. No kids.

And Laura was like, what? I went, what? He was like, yeah, kids. So your kids are coming it's like oh they fuck they'll ruin the drinking so uh laura absolutely poo-pooed that immediately yeah no kids so you're not having kids at your wedding i'm not having kids yeah okay i'm too fuck them don't fuck them but no kids that's why they're not allowed at the wedding because they'll get kids at the day of my wedding you know that's fine you're within the parents like

we've got to take her home alright, I'm on arse, cool, whatever but they always have an excuse that's not my problem, my problem isn't parents have to have their children in their lives, I understand that I'm quite accepting of that just they're entitled cunts it's a surprise that you've got any parents coming to your wedding because they're such cunts

they are entitled get out of my parking spot why? we've done this before but yeah every time and it's the same shit every time we're right every time as well

yeah can't wait for these cunts to have kids I can't wait to go to an archbark again said it wrong you lose the argument

fucking pricks Cameron says wag wag lids. Not sure if you've seen Scoop, the drama about Prince Andro, Andrew.

Andro. Andro. The drama about the Prince Andrew pedo interview. But it made me think, what unlikely new stories should be made into a film

and who would you cast? Hugh Edwards' arse pictures. The gritty drama. That was quick. You don't go denzel washington is hugh edwards nice because you've got to do representation to me like he goes mad you'll be looking at pictures of my ass in guantanamo bank when i get through with you shoe program nice yeah you had to disaster den Bosh. Cat in a bin woman.

Yes. That should have been a superhero earlier, by the way. Remember the hair meet? It's mad that one, eh? Lashed a cat in a bin. And that was the heyday of news, by the way. If that happened now, that would be a viral video for the day. That was three weeks, that.

Do you remember Cecil? That was the biggest thing for a month. Yeah, the lion. What's Cecil the lion again? He got shot by the dentist. He paid to go shoot him. But it was like... Oh, yeah.

It was like as big as any war is now. Harambe? On Facebook for about a month. People were, like, crying. Cecil, he was... Harambe? My man took over the world? Now you could go shoot Harambe.

That's a Muslim thing. It's also the picture of them being like, eh! Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's the... What are you saying? Are you on Harambe? It's also... That's just Muslims with him, Fidel.

It's the picture, though, innit? Like, it's the... That's what makes it the... They're literally on it like, we fucking got one! But it's the news cycle as makes it the they're literally on it like we can't we fucking got one but it's the news cycle as well i think you get unlucky you know if there's nothing going on nothing going on you could go and like you know get caught wanking and in the toilet and if you're lucky there's a terrorist attack that day this does sound like you're speaking from the experience.

You're wanking on the fifth floor. What do you think I was doing on 9-11? I can't fuck for all he knows. He's taking these off me. You know what I mean? Yeah, you hope something huge happens. He's right though. Yeah.

It's like, remember when Michael Jackson died? Who died? Farrah Fawcett died that day. No one gave... Who was it? Was it her? I can't remember. Yeah, someone like that. And it's just like... Who was that? Was it her? I can't remember. Yeah, someone like that. And it's just like...

Who was that? She was a 60s pin-up. I was about to say the exact same thing. We're just so... We've always been... It was Farrah Fawcett. Yeah, it was her. Yeah, it was.

What was she in? She was in James Bond, wasn't she? Charlie's Angels. Charlie's Angels, that's it. Yeah. Who are you casting as cat-bin woman? Kelly Brook? No, Kel Brook.

Kel Brook. 100%.'s a Miami cat bin woman What a fucking date for Kelly Brook Back in the limelight She was horrible, Amy What did she do after that? I thought you meant Kelly Brook She's great I don't think anything happened to her I don't even know if they ever caught her She's nice. We just threw Kat in the bin and closed it. I don't think anything happened to her.

I don't even know if they ever caught her. She's still on the front. She's still at large. Where's Kat? Because he kicked the cat, didn't he? Who? Kurt Zuma. Oh, yeah.

It was mad that that just got brushed away as well. He absolutely fucking volleyed his cat all around his fucking gaff. And they went, hey, this is honourable. And he was just like... It's not totally brushed away. I saw pictures of a stag do all dressed as Kurt Zuma.

And the stag was the cat. I mean, in terms of creative stag do fancy dress, pretty decent. Yeah. Like, it's still... Like, people sing about him. He gets meowed a lot at stadiums. Genuinely.

People meow at him. They're nasty, aren't they? Catty. Whoa. Oh. Lord. He'll be casting as Kurt're nasty, aren't they? Catty. Whoa. Oh, Lord. Have you cast them as K2 with them there? Yeah.

Not Denzel. Tell you that. Have we got some icks? We do. We've got a few icks. You got any icks, Red? Anything that bothers you about your wife? Nah. Nah.

I've got loads of fics. People paying stuff out loud on the way up here. This guy just fucking watching stuff on his phone. He's so fucked. You know, you ever had it when you leave your headphones at home and then you go, well, I fucked up my day. Yeah, you can't watch stuff. That's your fault and you pay for it.

But people just play it out loud. It's mad. Yeah, that is a genuine ick with Laura, how much she's scrolling. And I get annoyed at it while I'm scrolling. It's such a hypocritical move. What are you staring at your phone? Why don't you just read a book or something while I'm like...

I walk to the loo looking at my phone and piss whilst... And you go, this is... Yeah, it's wild. This is a problem, yeah loo looking at my phone and piss whilst and I go this is yeah it's wild this is a problem yeah I unplugged my phone the other day

to go and brush my teeth with it so I could scroll on TikTok while I was brushing my teeth I blow-dried my hair I blow-dried my hair with a YouTube video and I can barely hear it

my thumb clicks it's mad isn't it it's just mad but it's like I'll get in the bath and I'll have a podcast on like I just can't it's become so there's just but it's like I'll get in the bath and I'll have a podcast on like I just can't it's become so

there's no thinking time not at all you're just so I don't want to think I don't want to the thoughts can't get in if I'm listening to gangsters no it's just

there's got to be some point where you don't have something getting fucking jammed in your head and then you have to think about yourself says us who are currently jamming shit in people yeah yeah yeah

someone's having a shit listening to this right now and it's no someone's what someone's wanked and shagged to this definitely no we've had we've had people write in saying they've shagged to this oh mate if you're bonking right now spank it put your finger up his ass just do it sorry mate oh there you go ah you loved it and also alexa play i don't know thanks as paradise thanks as paradise by julio alexa set an alarm for 3 a. Oh, no. We do this every eight months. Alexa, put... Alexa, maximum volume. Mambo, play Mambo number five.

You didn't say Alexa. You've got to say Alexa. No, that's for them shit Carl said. It's like Simon. Alexa, ring the police. No, is that an option? It is, you've got your phone connected. Alexa, ring the police. No, is that an option? It is. You've got your phone connected. Hey, Google.

Hello. I couldn't think of anything to say. Hey, Google, set a seven-hour timer. Max volume. That's the cutest thing I've ever seen. Hey, Google. I've got nothing. The police are on their way.

Right, we've got some mix. This first one is from Lucy. A lad I dated for a few weeks was leaving my house once and the gate at the end of the path was closed. Instead of opening the gate like a normal person, he jumped over it and then turned around and did some jazz hands. I never saw him again. I quite like him.

I think that's pretty cool, yeah. That's hot. He shouldn't have turned around. He should have just walked off. That would have been cool. Yeah, the jump and the walk away. Now, you've got to acknowledge what you've just done. This one is from Ashley.

I've been seeing my girlfriend for over six months now and never saw her eat an apple until last week. She ate it all, even the core, as she said it was a waste to not finish it. It's given me serious doubts on how long we're going to be together. The core's horrible, isn't it? That's a woman who's got, like, she's down for commitment, isn't she? She sees something through to the end.

She doesn't stop when it gets tough. Marry her. That's true, actually, yeah. You'll think it's the opposite of an egg. Seeds and all. So if someone you were seeing just... And she likes a seed down the back of her neck as well. Oh, no. And she's got a tree in tree in her belly yeah and she was raised in the woods

by bears the fuck are you eating bears love apples oh bear yeah um so right next one no it not awful. We've been nice about it. Terrible. What are you talking about? You're just crunching the whole thing while making eye contact. What's wrong with that? These are good for you. Even the fucking...

No, I'm wrong with it. But it's weird she's not eaten one before and she just went like that. No, he's just not seen it. He's not seen it. That wasn't his first apple. In fact, if it was his first apple, it's even more forgivable.

Because maybe she just hasn't heard how to do it. Like edamame beans. Where's she from? What's this? What's this? It's fruit. What are you calling this? An apple.

Mad. I'll just do it whole. Dan, have you ever seen Laura ride a bike? Why does that sound like a euphemism? Yes, I have, yeah. Right. Yeah, why? I question whether Seneca can ride one for years

because she's never done it I bet she'd love that but then she could every morning can you ride bikes in question she was adamant she could and I was like

I've never seen you ride a bike though and then she could I just wonder if you've ever never seen Laura do something one day yeah but I bought her a bike for a birthday once she was like

oh my god this is a great present she never rode it and we sold it. She's not asked. Doesn't enjoy it. She's hard to please, isn't she? Oh, yeah. Until this morning.

Yeah. This morning? What? Before work. It was this morning. Yeah. You took a hint this morning? Yeah. He still, he told you as you know.

No, it's not Viagra. Once again. It's all right. I've got've got it i'm not gonna shag you right next one this is from an anonymous lady my ex-boyfriend used to add dot com to his sentences he's all he'd always say i'm confused.com if he was puzzled he surely wasn't just looking for car insurance He could have been I'm confused.com Maybe he's just got voices in his head Where did you go for car insurance? I'm confused.com me Compare the market.com

I mean he sounds like an absolute Uber gimp Yeah Oh this is bloody lovely.com Can you imagine how long he'd last within like a half mile radius of me and you on a nice house? Yeah. Oh.

Whoa, don't forget your coat. It is rainy.co.uk out here. Anyone who uses like those, like they're in the sort of like popular jokey terms, too late and out of place. That's got to be... Holly bobs and stuff. Holly bobs.

Holly bobs and stuff. If you're shagging a guy who's going, what's up? That has got to be Nick, hasn't it? He's on a registered.com. Next one. This is from Lucy. My boyfriend eats ice.'s fit mate i eat ice wait uh my boyfriend eats ice but not just crushed ice from nando's he'll regularly stick massive ice cubes in his mouth

not only from his drinks but also from his ice cube tray in our freezer that's mad so it's like a snack yeah no going to the ice cube say and getting an ice cube out of me i'm just gonna have a little snack that's mad but like i will chew the snack? Yeah, no, going to the ice cube, saying, get an ice cube out of me, and I'm just going to have a little snack. That's mad. But I will chew the ice at the end of a drink. Of course. No, that goes through me. No, it feels great when you go, ah.

Yeah, it's class. That's one of them sounds that go through you. Someone biting ice that I can't deal with that. One of my sort of anxieties that I get regularly is when I'm doing that, and then someone asks me a question, and I have to look another grown adult in the eye and finish an ice cube.

Because in there, they're like, Adam's not eating right now. He couldn't possibly be eating. He's got no food in front of him. So he's probably there for this question. Adam, who do you think should be the next bill manager? And I'm just there chewing away on an ice cube. Takes you a minute to finish it and I'm like, Arnie slot me up the slosses. Did you ever make

like Coke ones when you were a kid? Yeah. So sick, like pour like Coke into the ice and then, oh. Oh,

we had actual molds. No, I don't mean just in the freezer. I thought you meant in the ice, I thought you were making ice cube, Coke ice cubes.

Yeah, yeah. In an ice cube tray. What are you doing? We had molds where you, my mum used to get little sticks

and we made ice pops. Oh, sorry. I sorry what choc ice is at all you do that with an actual coke and you've made an elite drink you put the coke ice guys you are blowing my mind you've got frozen coke yeah as the cubes in a coke yeah so then it doesn't water down? Yeah. Have you heard of chalk icing? It's a sex. Apparently people freeze their own shit and then they use it as a sex thing. Shove up their ass. My mum was always doing that. That's an eco-friendly dildo, isn't it?

You put chalk icing at home, son? An old mum with the dirty. Don't put a stick in that. Can I say an ick? The ice cube tray. I just think it's... We get bags of ice. Get bags of ice, man. I hate the ice cube tray. We get bags of ice. Get bags of ice, man.

I hate the ice cube tray. It's fucking annoying, isn't it? It's horrible. That's an ick, isn't it? If a woman's got an ice cube tray. No, I'm out. That's honestly, Laura would be gone. You get back with a woman after, you know,

you've been on a first date, you've wooed her, she's brought you home, and she's gone, I'm just going to go and freshen up, and you have a look at the freezer, as you would. Yeah. And she's got an ice cube tray, and you're like, I'm leaving. You always check the freezer.

Getting off. We buy bags of party ice. and you have a look at the freezer as you would and she's got an ice cube tray and you're like I'm leaving getting off we buy bags of party ice you know how to party yeah how would you react if you went on the first date right

and you got back to yours and you're like I'm just going to go to the toilet I'll be back in a minute and you came back into your kitchen

and she was just rummaging through your freezer I love these like a fox you know any smiley faces from starving oh you're hungry just rummaging through your freezer. I love these. Like a fox. Any smiley faces from starving? Oh, you're hungry?

What are you doing? I don't know what you've got. Most lads would be like, yeah, she's fucking mental or hungry or homeless or something, but you'd still be like, I'd probably bang. Most women would be like, oh my God, get out. There's not much she could be doing in her kitchen to stop me having sex if I'm dunking into it. Obviously, if she said no, that would stop me.

Kick, scream. What if she had one of your big knives and she was just doing that on the table? With hand? That'd tear me on. That would end up being the best sex ever. You're messing my table up. Fuck off.

That's a turn up. That's a power move from her, that. What is it? Like, hold that knife to my throat and suck my dick. So you moved your hand out of the way. fuck off that's a turn off that's a power move from here that what is he like hold that knife to my throat and suck my dick so you moved your hand out of the way

long arms you moved your hand out of the way so you were just stabbing the table yeah you're gonna be safe last one this is from Leah

major ick my boyfriend speaks to his mum every night before bed when I'm trying to get a little bit frisky with him that's fucking hot when I'm trying to get a little bit frisky with him. That's fucking hot. No, I'm kidding.

How often do you ring your mum? Ring my mum? Yeah. Twice a week. But I'll text her every other day. Yeah. Must be nice. You'd have to get a Ouija board out.

Yeah, that's what I do before sex. What are you doing Dan shut up hello mum turn the light off I don't know if that's normal how often do you live with your mum don't you yeah

you speak to her a lot less when you leave checking maybe just inevitably yeah you're allowed to speak to your mum before bed you know

when you say night yeah not if the yeah when do you how often do you speak to your mother Red once a day I think but not

oh that's nice oh he's a good lad yeah yeah not before bed then that would be that's weird isn't it do you call her or text cool she doesn't call me

um do you Snapchat pretty much yeah that's great I Snapchat my mum every night that's a nick that's probably the future.

Oh yeah, when parents... Yeah. Oh, fucking gimps. I ring her once every couple of days, just to show she is, but I'll text her most days. Just like idle chat. But my mum can't text really,

so I just ring. Oh really? Sounds healthy. Yeah. Yeah, you've got to keep... Yeah, I text my dad twice a year. He ignores at least one of them. It's good.

Does he text you, though? What? Does he text you? No. And if he does, it's in full capitals and it feels like he's shouting at me. Dan, hello! I messaged him in February when I was in London.

Starts a text like that. Old people. It didn't go on two blue ticks for like three weeks. He didn't even look at it for three weeks and then didn't reply. It's a mental. Did you say anything interesting though? I was in a pub in London

where he told me this story years ago. He went down for a works conference and it was near High Park Corner. I always say it. Marylebone. Marylebone. Marylebone. Marylebone.

And he went in a pub for a pint because he had a couple of hours to kill. And it was the City of Quebec pub. And he sat down. He was like, oh, it's sound. Afternoon pint, really good. And then he noticed that all the guys in there were dead friendly.

And he was like, yeah, it's a friendly pint, you know, everything. And then a guy came over and went, hey, how you doing, where you from? And he was like, oh, shit, really friendly. And then the guy was like, you're a good looking guy. And he was like, ah, this is a friendly pint, you know, everything. And then a guy came over and went, hey, how you doing? Where you from? And he was like, oh, shit, really friendly. And then the guy was like, you're a good looking guy. And he was like, ah, this is a gay pub, isn't it? It's a church.

And my dad went, is this a gay pub? And he was like, yes, one of the most famous gay pubs around here. And my dad was like, all right, cool, I've misjudged it. So when me and Esham went for our little boozy in West London, I went, I'd like to go and have a pint in this pub, because I heard about it for fucking 15 years ago. And I thought it would be funny to go, hey, dad, look where I am, and do you remember this story?

He just ignored it. And I go, you know. So you've gone out of your way too much. Maybe he thought you were coming out, and he just disowned you. I'm gay. This is how I told you. I'm at the city of Quebec.

Nothing back at all. You know what I mean. How old is he, though? How old's your father? He's 30 years older than me so 148 uh he's 70 he's 72 if what would it be a surprise to your dad if you came out now two kids bit of a shock i think more to my wife laura yeah yeah yeah yeah but yeah but also he would never find out that i come out because he wouldn't look at the text so there's that in there did that make you sad then i mean it's not ideal i'd rather speak to my mum every day yeah and it's a bit one way all right remember

this sound in it nah nothing maybe you should have facetimed them what like video call no i'm all right it's just easy to just send a little message in it do you know what i mean are you doing that it's just lip service though do you actually want to message him it's it's different when you've had when you've got a relationship with someone that is very low-key and like you don't want to be the person who's like hey you're right you don't want to keep pounding them i don't know so you get a bit defensive don't you so i just message them when I'm in gay pubs so it's mainly it's mainly Saturday night 3am

every Saturday Taz I'm here again I'm at church oh from before gay church nicely done is that all the icks kid

yeah that's all the icks well done we've got a little bit of advice there's a jingle playing Red we're not all just sitting awkwardly Is that all the icks, kid? Yeah, that's all the icks. Ah, well done. We've got a little bit of advice. There's a jingle playing, Red. We're not all just sitting awkwardly. That's fire. Clip that.

For everyone who is annoyed by how I'm wearing my headphones, something's wrong with my ear on this side and I can't wear headphones. Is it still fucked? Apparently I'm a visual fuck. That's what I've been called. Advice. Hello, boys. Lady listener here.

I need some advice and I think you lot will be perfect to give it. I've been with my fella for two years and we're talking about getting engaged. He's a bit older than me and has two kids from his first marriage. An 11-year-old girl who is a little sweetie and a 14-year-old lad

who frankly hasn't really warmed to me. Now i'm not saying you lot are childish uh more that you're in touch with your inner kid and you've all been 14 year old boys at some point for dan it was a while ago obviously i was wondering uh what i can do to get a teenage lad on side any help would be really appreciated i've seen enough porn it's only 14 so you're gonna have to wait a couple of years i literally read this yeah this hadn't gone in my head as like porn that's all i heard from the start yeah it's honestly it's the plot of every porno. Yep. She's literally just read every... He's wanking to her every day. Yeah. It's not the plot to every porno.

A lot more detail. There's not usually an 11-year-old girl who's a sweetie as part of it. It's usually just one big-titted, non-realistic milf. Yeah. And it's the porn star who looks 17,

but he's actually 28. And weighs eight stone, but has an absolute conker of a cock. No one has ever used that. Conker? Conkers are just nuts. Conker on something? I meant conker. I meant stonker.

That's a conker, that means. What was that? You should see his side of the conker. I meant stonker. That's a conker, that means. What was that? You should see his size of a conker. Yeah, I mean, there's tension there because he wants to fuck. He can't because he's not old enough. Buy him a PlayStation and then fuck him at 16. Wow. Is that all it's going to take at 14?

Yeah, for two years, that'll put his mind off. Or Xbox. Get him some FIFA points. Hey, here's a PS5. I can't fuck you yet. There you go. See you in two years. That's not a threat.

I know you're into it. That is what's going on, though. That is why he's awkward with her. We don't know. She might be horrifically ugly. And then he's like, oh, she's horrible. Yeah. No offence if you are. Maybe he's still with her. We don't know. She might be horrifically ugly. And then he's like, oh, she's horrible. Yeah. No offence if you are.

Maybe he's still wanking over her because of the fantasy, but he's disgusted with himself. Yeah, he hates himself. And he hates him. Yeah. Self, but then he's projecting that hatred onto her. He's getting post-nut guilt just by, oh. He's coming of age, isn't he?

He's seeing women for what they are. But also, the kid's 11. Of course she's going to like it. Just that's saying whammy for what they are but also the kid's 11 of course she's gonna like that's a give him a bag of sweets he's going through all sorts you know

in his mind so he fucking I think it might just be that 14 year old hormonal lads fucking don't like everyone most people

I think they just want to be left the fuck alone I honestly think good advice wise 14-year-old hormonal lads fucking don't like everyone, most people. I think they just want to be left the fuck alone. I honestly think, good advice-wise, don't try and ask people for what you can do for a 14-year-old lad. Leave him alone. He just, he's 14. He wants to be left alone to play computer games and wank.

Just leave it. Don't be like, how can we be friends? He doesn't want to be mates with anyone. She probably learns like footballers' names and he goes, you know, she't be like, how can we be friends? He doesn't want to be mates with anyone. She probably learns like footballers' names and he goes, you know, she'd be like, oh, I hear Mbappe might be going to Real Madrid. He's full of acne, wants to be ignored. Wank me off in two years.

We're not getting past that, are we? All right, cool. I forgot what podcast we were doing then. Yeah, you just suck him off. Not yet, love. Not yet. And good luck with your new family. Yeah.

You know what you're after. Dirty girl. Did you honestly think you were going to get proper advice? It's on you. Red, it's been a fucking pleasure having you on, mate. Cheers, guys.

Thank you very much. That was a corker. Tell everyone where they can find you on the internet. I, guys. Thank you very much. That was a corker. Tell everyone where they can find you on the internet. I'm at Red Richardson Comedy on Instagram and TikTok and going on tour from September. Oh, nice.

2024 this year. Oh, beautiful. Beautiful stuff. So tour tickets, yeah, come on my website. Not whatever. Go on my Instagram. Get your conker out.

Don't come on my website. Not whatever. Go on my Instagram. Get your conker out. Don't come on my website. Instagram. Click on those links there. Sick. Cheers, guys. Thanks a lot. Saturday, the 11th of May, we've got the Comedians Club Chester,

my gig in Chester. We've got Alan Cochran. It's good that you put that in Chester. Yeah? Comedians Club Chester. It's the Comedians Club Chester. It's in Chester. Yeah, it is in Chester,

if you're worried. And Garrett Millerick is closing. So Saturday the 11th of May, tickets at comediansclubchester.com. It's in Chester. Okay. 16th of May, I'm in Coventry. 18th of May, I'm in Liverpool.

They are the only two tour shows left. I'm excited. Going to be massive. We've got a tune, Finn. Yeah, just before that, if you could go and, I said it last week, but I've got a song out on the 10th of May.

Oh, don't plug yourself. It's really uncouth. Go on. I'm going to go to any of my social medias. The link's in the bio. If you could pre-save that, it helps me out a great deal. This week, we've got a band called

Paler Shade, One Word, and this is their debut tune, Get You By. Enjoy. What's the band called? Paler Shade. Paler Shade, One Word,

and it's called Get You By. Yeah. We are Paler Shade. This is Get You By. Cheers, Red. Appreciate you. Cheers, guys. Did you play like a song at the end?

Yeah, and we slug it off everywhere. Okay. You got no reason to make your money It's like you're getting by Left the nest now you're on your own time Yeah, it was worth the try Follow yourself through the eyes of a camera You still got your will Not the one that I used to know

Honey, what's your deal? Well, you look your part to get you in your body Don't let it go on Come on, we're terrified Bye. Self-obsessed, the attention's major Are your tears now dry? Looking back at 19 You were soaked in style Guess around, but what's the Bible?

You're living for the day Of course I'm watching it all through my screen How you wanna be seen? How are you tonight? You got your juvenile ambition We'll be right back. To me Yeah, you look too fine To get you by Don't let it go on You're going to find