Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #277 with Ian Stone - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: May 19, 2024

Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan Nightingale & Fiends Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.ukComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsCheck out Finn's music: https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Tickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening lads? Listen, the time has nearly arrived. On Saturday the 18th of May, I'm doing my final tour date at the M&S Bank Arena in Liverpool. There's still some tickets left. It's the biggest show I've ever headlined, but it's not just me going to be there. I'll be doing my hour, but I've got a few of my mates coming to do stand-up and I've got some surprise musical guests. It's going to be absolutely unbelievable. I'm so excited and the final tickets have just gone on sale and they're on adamrow.co.uk you can also get them on the M&S Bank Arena website and Ticketmaster but all the links to all of them

are on adamrow.co.uk come and be part of the biggest night of my career so far and I'm going to blow the roof off the gaff please come and see us and come and see me doing Dan Nightingale and Fiends some of my favourite rooms around the country and one in dublin some of my favorite comedians with me messing around with filming it all dan nightingale and fiends it's at dan nightingale.com and if you haven't already why are you not signed up at patreon.com slash have a word pod one of the

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Tell them about the specials, Daniel. Oh my god, we've got so many lock-ins where we get drunk in here. We went to Nashville. Nashville, that's a three parter. We've done all sorts. We've taken over a restaurant. We've had a racing day. I'm literally, there's 40 of these things. There's so many. I'm forgetting the good ones. Amsterdam.

Ghost hunts. There's so many to list and there's a new one coming every month. The one we've just released the art special is one of the most popular we've ever released patreon.com slash have a word pod

go and sign up now I guarantee you won't be there you'll never leave in a bit nice one wag wag lids you're listening

to the funniest podcast in the game from the heart of Liverpool with Adam Dan Sensei Carl and Finn, this is the one and only Have A Word.

Brought to you by Manscaped, the very best product on the market for below-the-waist grooming. Go, Ed, get on me. That'd be well, Saturday afternoon. Oh, are we? That's how the episode's starting now. You're going, oh, but it's so sad. So sad. What, if one of your heroes was out it is a nonce would you not where do you draw the line on the art versus nonsense nonsense yeah but can

you still enjoy the art before they were doing that well it's been trodden in comedy well trodden it's been talked about and it is a balance between quality of the back catalogue and severity of the offence. Yeah, and the evidence. Do you know what I mean? Hang on, so the better you are, the more nonsense you can do. Michael Jackson is a great example of that. Like, he's the GOAT, isn't he? Is that true, though?

He can sing, he can dance, he can play with monkeys. He can do all of them things. Which is why, you know, that's why he toured in arenas. Is that a skill? The monkey headliner. Come on, Bubbles. 100% that added to his fame. Can he play?

Dave Johns had a great line. He was like, Michael Jackson, Billie Jean, Gary Glitter. Do you want to be in my gang? No, I fucking don't, Gary. Because, yeah, because they were both a bit nonce, they weren't they? And then people go, Michael Jackson wasn't a nonce. But he, you know, he did a lot of nonce-like things.

Yeah. Didn't he? Slept in bed with kids. No, he did. He admitted to it. I know what I was going to say. Oh, was that the noise he was making? That was bubbles.

That was bubbles like... You wouldn't sleep in bed with children. My children, yeah. But not other people's children. Oh, right. You mean just sleeping in bed with children. My children, yeah. But not other people's children. All right. You mean just sleeping? What? Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I'm taking you on face value with what you just said. You don't do that with your own kids. Yeah, I think that's a pretty common thing for parents to, like... Laura spent most of the last seven years sleeping in bed with Etta, who fucking loves it, by the way.

Yeah. But that's what, you know, and that's what all Michael Jackson admit to, isn't it? Just, you know, a little bit of sleeping, a little bit of spooning. It's just, I had a spin, a big spin with Michael Jackson. Yeah? Defo, yeah.

Yeah? A little bony ass, isn't there? Morning, Michael Jackson fans. How you doing? You all right? Annoyed? Yeah. Why are they it? Morning, Michael Jackson fans. How you doing? You all right? Annoyed? Yeah. Why are they annoyed?

We haven't said anything. We've literally just said his side of the story. They're annoyed. About what? They get defensive. I'm not saying he bothered anyone. They're like the OG K-pop. Yeah?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But he did sleep in the bed with children. I know. And he cuddled them. He gave them, like, bevies and that, didn't he? Good. There you go. I knew we couldn't keep that on the tracks of truth. Little bit of crack. You know cuddled them. He gave them, like, bevies and that, didn't he? Good crap. There you go. I knew he couldn't keep that on the tracks of truth.

Little bit of crack, you know, a Red Bull and a big spoon. Is he Geordie as well? He's Geordie. Because I'm still doing Dave Johns in my head. Hey, how you doing? You all right? How's your bum bum? So, I mean, we can talk about it, can't we?

We don't want to give too much away. Don't want to give too... away. Don't want to... But you consumed... But I was hosting, so it doesn't matter. You consumed so much da bomb chili sauce. Anyone's ever watched the YouTube show Hot Ones? One of their most infamous sauces, the one with the most reputation, really, isn't it?

Their sauce da bomb. I had an entire chicken strip like a chicken fillet from a kfc yes they covered in it and you did this to yourself you didn't have to you threw yourself out there and finn is an expert on hot ones you you've watched it you've watched it a lot and the bomb is like the seventh of the ten yeah it's the one yeah it's the one where shit gets real on the episode it's the one where they go from like to yeah and you lathered that shit in da bomb it was on it oh it was and then like oh it was one part da bomb four part chicken and then you were like you've got to finish it and finn was just quietly like no you just have to have a decent bite.

You then finished someone else's. Oh, my God. It was so hard to watch. You would leak it face first. I've never regretted anything so much in my life. The spice for the next, like, 20 minutes was so unbelievably horrific. Like, that was bad. But I got over that.

That was fine. It was the way we were filming in a studio with amazing lighting. And while that was going on, you managed to be in two other rooms. Like you got to the level of heat where you're like, I can't just stay here. You were in a utility cupboard and behind a fucking bar.

It was absolutely unbelievable. So then the spice finished and I was like, oh, it's over. Absolutely fine. So then I drove to Cheshire Oaks yesterday because I had a couple of hours spare and I wanted to go and try and find a share for Saturday. And it was just on the way to Cheshire Oaks, my throat started closing over.

And then I got like an unbearable headache. And I was having to like drink water and I felt like kind of dizzy. But then I was like, maybe I just don't feel feel well i haven't had enough sleep or whatever as well but then when i got home i made food made steak and eggs for me too and uh i don't think they were the wisest choice the steak and eggs right um she's just gone like really beige should have gone my diet i've never ever experienced the stomach like it like it makes me allergic to it you know that sounds like more of like an allergy than just that well i've got ibs haven't i so i'm allergic to like it's not

he had too much you got me like i think you might be allergic to that thing that everyone's allergic to no no but it's like headaches and dizziness and all that. That's mad, isn't it? No, it's normal. Is it? Yeah. Apparently, I read up quite a lot on it last night and I had plenty of time to read up on it because I was sat on the toilet with my phone on charge in the bathroom

on an extension cord and a sick bucket in front of me. Thanks for the pictures as well. Really nice that WhatsApp can bring us together like that in moments where you're dying. I didn't send you a picture of me shite, did I? You see me legs in a bucket. I have never

wanted to hear the audio of a poo more in my life and I don't think I'll ever say that to you I've never said it

to you before may never say it again I'd have just for the in the name of science loved to hear the audio thin liquid just wee wee in it just piss

out your bum it is let me piss start it stinging oh lord let me piss was hot. Hot piss? Great album.

It affected my entire system, because obviously some of it's gone in my bladder, hasn't it? Because it's a source, so it goes in your body, and your body goes, oh, that's liquid. We'll put that over here. What a way to die that would have been for content.

Oh, it was so bad. And then I was sat on the toilet for about an hour and a half like without leaving the toilet and then i was empty then so i was like right and i stood up to move and my stomach was like nope so i sat back down but then nothing came out so i was like oh it just feels like i need to go again i don't need to go again yeah and don't need to go again. Yeah. And then, so what it was, I went and got on my bed and I realized as long as I didn't move an inch, I was fine.

That is illness. You're describing, but like, bum-based illness, aren't you? Where you're like, AIDS. You know,

when you're like, oh, I don't need to poo. No, but I can feel it. And then you basically get in the fetal position and stay still. You've done that to poo. I know, but I can feel it. And then you basically get in the fetal position and stay still.

You've done that to yourself. Yeah, voluntarily. And you can handle heat. I can. But that's... I think Pez is here. He's a massive dog here. I think Petty is here.

Do you know we made a mistake there getting a dog sitter that is smaller than one of the dogs? I think that... I love julia i think she needs to bulk up a bit well well done for making it in we'll see what happens after a coffee good glutton for punishment no well i've had so little sleep over the past week if i didn't have that i wouldn't be here so what's going on with sleep i'm just not sleeping very well i think i'm on like um last night made sense we not understand why you didn't sleep well last night yeah but like my body clock's just

fucked up like i'm tired in the morning absolutely wired of a night like absolutely wired and this happens sometimes and i think it's partly because i've just done that weekend of gigs in london where i was gigging to like 1am right like I think my body's gone oh like in the day can save energy because you're going to need it because you're obviously you're doing six sets tonight aren't you

yeah I'm doing a corporate tonight oh no dress code though are you wearing your smokers I'm not going to wear me Tampa Bay smokers no this is just for you guys

who for I don't know whether I can say Johnny Business. Business.com. What kind of people? Can you say what kind of people they are? Business people. Insurance people.

Oh. But I have done it before and it was fine. It's a good corporate. What makes it a good corporate? Well, the comedy store running. That's a tick. And it's comparing two acts. That's another tick.

Where's the venue? it's compared in two acts that's another tick where's the venue er the beer gallery in Manchester er it's a semi-tick yeah innit

because comedy runs there yeah so they're doing that thing of like right we want a corporate but we'll go to where comedy is I don't mind those it's the second year in a row

I've done it right I've got no idea what bits of it last year so I'm just gonna have to hope I don't er I know you can't talk about Fee but let's just sort of like hint around it how how you know what i'd be happy with as a fee am i like or am i like i don't know whether you'd

do it anymore yeah what have you become what have you become? What have I become? Soft. No. You've made a mistake. Oh, yeah, I'm lying, yeah. Do you think for 20 grand? I would do it. Would you? The first number you wrote down, which was... 17 grand.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I would suck everyone off in this room for 17 grand would you in the beer keller as long as the comedy store were running it i really want to get in with them again um no 17k though for a corporate it's you're gonna really struggle to say no above minimum wage in fact they aren't there's it's a short list of companies that i like i couldn't do it for the shy the the rag because i'd never be able to work on this again no so that's even for 170 grand even though i'd be like well that's the mortgage paid off i it would completely fuck up have a word for me forever. Would you do it for BP? British Petroleum.

I just wouldn't Google any oil spills and whatnot. You know what I mean? Maybe if I just... I'd do it for BP. No problem. Do you ever stop and get fuel from a BP garage? I've got the garage I always go to and it's not BP. But if you needed fuel and it was BP,

would you be like, I'd rather not? No. No. Well, then I'm taking the 17 grand I don't give a fuck in fact my garage might be BP and I don't know I just drive in

and put the thing in I didn't look at the price I know that's a bit of a privilege but like I need petrol they're all very similar aren't they I need petrol just don't fill up on the motorway

and you're pretty much I know the motorway is silly and if they're offering you 17 grand to do an average 20 minutes I'd be like yeah take it I suppose so 20 grand let's say 20 grand to make it round.

20 grand, what is the companies you would say no to, to a half hour corporate set? Piers Morgan's birthday party. I'd do Piers Morgan's birthday party at 20 grand. Are you messing with stuff you get for nothing? Are you fucking joking? Just do a roast. All right, I'd do it.

You're right. I just wouldn't want to do it. No, yeah, but it's not that. I don't want to do tonight. And it's my second year doing it and it was good. I don't want to do it. No, yeah, but it's not that. You don't want to, I don't want to do tonight. And it's my second year doing it and it was good. I don't want to do corporate gigs. Yeah. No one wants to do corporate gigs. And I hope no one takes that the wrong way.

Maybe you work in the corporate world and you've booked comedians before. You've never had a comedian, no matter how polite they are to you on the day, they don't want to do it. And they're doing it because you're- Because if a frog went, here's 17 grand to do the middle 20. Yeah. You've got to choose. Like there's just, they don't want to do it and they're doing it because you're wrong when it is 17 grand to do the middle 20

yeah you've got to choose like there's just they don't want to do it we do it because it that's where the money is and a lot of people need to subsidize the income of being a club by doing corporate in order to earn a decent wage because you can't really make a proper good living without corporate on the comedy circuit tory party conference 20 grand surely you've got to do that it's bad i know it's not quite the same as the rag but it's bad pr although you could be like yeah but i'm going in sort of like gary glitz counter-terrorism gary glitz's release party would you do that see i i would take if i was allowed to rip on them, I'd do the Tory party conference.

But I wouldn't do the rag, even if I was allowed to. No, no, I get that. Because I wouldn't take their money at all. But I would take money off the Tory party. As long as you've got to be the counter-terrorist. Because then I would give that money to Labour or me. Give it to Labour. me give it to Labour here you go Labour and do you know what

if anything I do support Labour to a point sort of so this is me giving it to Labour are you past are you past the point of weddings now

or is there a fee where someone could go is I've always quoted the exact same figure and it's never changed if someone asks me to do their wedding I say no I don't really do them and they go lad no we really want the exact same figure and it's never changed if someone asked me to do their wedding i say no i don't really do them and they go lad no we really want you like how much

it'd be and i always say 10 grand yeah because my we've spoken about this before so this is like a throwback conversation but my attitude at weddings is the bride and groom might be my biggest fans it could literally be my two biggest fans on the planet and maybe their immediate like friends have all been to see me as well and they've been like you know on nights out and come to an arena show or like a theater show or even hot water or whatever you then get to own like aunties uncles aunties german grandparents like distant friends people who've never heard yeah and the older ones they don't know me or want me or have heard, like there's no desire for comedy at a wedding.

And comedy is so, especially the type of stuff I want to do, is so divisive. I want to, you know, be a bit provocative. And I do sort of tone that down for private bookings anyway, if people tell me not to talk about certain things, because they're paying in order to tell you what you can and can't say, essentially. But you are probably going to ruin someone's day and if you ruin the bride's like grandmother's day

done it then it's fucked i've done the wedding where the grandparents were like oh god don't be there then shout out the cheeseman what do you mean don't be there i hate old people yeah but they're at that i, but you've been invited as well. You're as welcome as they are. No, that's not true. That isn't true. This is what I'm saying. Paying you to be there. Have a wedding with all your mates

and some of your workmates. It's not a wedding, is it? My attitude is I will not do your wedding. I will not ruin your grandmother's day unless you pay me enough money that I don't give a fuck that I did that to someone. And here's the other one. If it's your mates or it's like your cousin or something,

that's also minging as well. If it was anyone I actually know, the answer is no. Yeah, that's awful, isn't it? Can we pull up a list of unethical companies? What? Yeah. Like, is there a list of like shitbag companies and we'll decide where we are on the

moral spectrum what about that pizza gaff in washington oh yeah where hillary clinton's kids and eating them right so the top yeah is she there doing that because i don't know if i'd be able to know it's in the back of my 20s yeah oh right the top one's amazon oh because of the treatment of the workers the problem is that I keep buying things from Amazon. Even though the guys that deliver, they just, it's the turnover. We've never had the same Amazon delivery guy twice. It's always young guys with hope.

I'd do it for Amazon credits, and I wouldn't even lose any money on it. And you're in on their ankles. Amazon, yeah. Unfortunately, they're taking over the world, so get on the ride, innit? It'd be nice if they could, you know, not treat... Yeah, obviously.

As long as there's any big companies that don't exploit somebody. I think this game's going to end up with us saying yes to a lot of corporates. What else have you got? The brands don't seem... The brands have got good PR, because the next one is Nestle. I was unaware they were very unethical. Nestle, it was something to do with... it was something to do with milk formula in Africa.

That's bang on. But you know what? Famously, I haven't had any babies in Africa. Famously? No, famously. So Nestle, call up and go, Dan, 10 grand. Come and do. I drink Cadbury's and say, you've got to match that offer.

They're not even having a works day. Nestle's in York, isn't it? Yorkie. The factory's in York. I thought it was in France. Nestlé Toulouse. I think the British... Nestlé Toulouse.

I think that's where the Yorkie comes from. It's the fact that Nestlé, the factory, the main factory is near York. Is it? So, two-hour drive. Nestlé Toulouse is French, isn't she? Yeah, but I think companies do have factories in other places.

Like, we need an English factory. Well, it's a French company, so. But it is French originally. It sounds French. Nestlé. Nestlé. Where are you from? Toulouse.

York. Yorkshire. Another Yorkshire. Any other bad ones? Yeah. It's all the ones you'd think. Facebook? Starbucks, Facebook, Apple.

I'd love to do a corporate at Facebook. That in terms of just like, just to see it, to see Zuckerberg and all his fucking goons. I would absolutely love that. He's just Zuck now. He's the Zuck? Have you seen how fit he is now? He's doing like jujitsu, isn't he?

He's got a beard, a bit of like a curly thing on the go and a chain. Man, fucks now. Fuck a beard, they call him. They call him the fuck? The fuck? And he's, all he's doing with his like 140 billion is like, yeah, that's working now. No one cares about Facebook. We bought Instagram.

So it's all meta, baby. And then he's just doing jujitsu. He's always at the, baby. And then he's just doing Jiu-Jitsu. He's always at the UFC. No, but he's also trying to create the metaverse, isn't he? Where we're going to live forever as a machine. Yeah. Ross's dream. Yeah, but is Facebook going to be part of that?

Because I think it undermines the whole metaverse. It's just going to... This is happening. This is happening. But I'll tell you what's still happening. In the metaverse, Facebook is just going to be like the Mecha Bingo. Like, it's just got really old people in it, just playing games. Happy birthday!

I've got a meta quest. I go inside the metaverse every now and again, and it's full of the people you'd expect to be in there. You've got a what? VR headset, meta quest. You're going VR in, do you? Yeah. You go into the metaverse?

Yeah, it's got VR places you can go, and it's just full of kids screaming the M word. Huh. That's right. Am I right? Thank you. It is. It's awful.

Look at the, I mean, the portal, as soon as you give anyone anything, they just ruin it with fun shit. Don't do enough fun shit. It's just teenage kids and Barry Dodds being racially insensitive. Yeah. Are we accusing Barry Dodds of saying the M word

in the metaverse? No, no, no, no. Barry Dodds being racially insensitive. Yeah. Are we accusing Barry Dodds of saying the M-Ware? No, no, no, no. He goes more like friendly, old school, offensive. You know, like surrender. What did he call the French kid? A surrender monkey. Like it's so irrelevant. That was a white French kid.

Yep. That's arguably as bad as what we were saying. Once again, Barry, if someone sent you this clip, it's just white French kid. Yep. That's arguably as bad as what we were saying. Once again, Barry, if someone sent you this clip, it's just the French thing. Not the racial stuff. What would you want your job to be in the metaverse? Everyone takes a role, don't they?

It's the whole new world. Second life, innit? I'd just be a comedian, mate. Comedian and podcaster. Your life's going so great. A lot of meta comedy. Keep it going in the metaverse. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Fair. I just have a more high-functioning family. If I can go in and just fix anything, I just like, yeah. Your meta family's all... Yeah. That's all you're changing in your life,

just a family that works. Yeah, just no addiction in the family. Is there meta porn? Is there a lot of meta porn? Is there like a pornville? You've done VR porn though. I showed you it once. I've seen it in here.

So I don't, you know, we like, we were literally in here and I went, oh, tits, a shoulder, tits. Yeah. I don't think it's where I need it to be, quality wise. You need it to be on your car. What do you mean? What, the goggles? No, it's just people, the people don't get it's where I need it to be, quality-wise. You need it to be on your car. What do you mean? Well, the goggles. No, it's just people.

People don't get any more real. No, I think the technology will improve on it. So once you put it on... Oh, I think it's been updated since you had it go. Oh, really? Do you want to feel it? I'm worried I'd never come out. Honestly.

Don't unplug me. No, I'm telling you right now. My withered body. Jack's got one. jack's got one of what you've got and i put it on and you don't want to come out because like all of the most beautiful women in the world are just like desperate to suck it off and they're looking you right in the eyes yeah he's right and what soon they'll be able to link that with ai so you'll be able to link that with AI, so you'll be able to talk to them. Design your own woman.

You'll be able to literally go, VR, bigger tits. But then yours will get bigger. Smaller tits, bigger tits on here. There will be some bugs in it. Have you not seen the Black Mirror episode where they go in and fuck and they can feel it? Right, and it's all like you're in a bodysuit almost.

No, it's neurological. Oh, it's coming, isn't it? Yeah a bodysuit almost. No, it's neurological. Yeah. Oh, it's coming, isn't it? Yeah. I don't want to use jacks, though. I probably won't fucking feel anything. But, yeah, I'm worried about this. So, do you want to be a porn star within the metaverse?

Is that, you just go to Pornville, do you? Within the metaverse? Yeah. Do you have to walk there? You can probably fast travel. Oh, right, fast travel. Yeah. That feels too easy. He loves his life. Are you going to change anything about yours?

Are you having a family in the metaverse? Would that be cheating? Let's say the metaverse starts and we all put a VR headset on. Could you go to a brass house in the metaverse, make some woman squirt all over the ceiling, and then look Laura in the eye and be like, I've done nothing wrong. I just keep the goggles on so I don't have to look her in the eye. No, hang on. I'm not. Did you just say, am I having a family in the meta and be like, I've done nothing wrong. I just keep the goggles on so I don't have to look her in the eye. No, hang on.

I'm not. Did you just say, am I having a family in the metaverse? I've got a family in the universe. Yeah. I'm sound. We're not going in the metaverse and then get responsibilities. Come on, Dan, you've got a fucking mortgage

in the metaverse. No, I'd be in an absolute fucking dirt bag wandering off banging anything. You say that though, but you'd spend a long time in the metaverse and then you would want some normality. Did you ever play GTA and just go around like obeying traffic laws?

No, but that's my life. I already obey traffic laws. I'm telling you right now, if I get a metaverse, I'm not getting a fucking lawn that I have to tend to and worry about all that. You say this, but you're wrong.

We've got meta nursery fees to pay. Fuck off. No, you will though. Did you never do that on GTA? Did you never just start driving around and just like stopping at red traffic lights and letting people cross the road and indicating and shit?

But when you got bored of beating up prostitutes. You'll get bored of beating up prostitutes in the metaverse. You will? I know it doesn't seem likely. Would you get on the meta shite? What, if I could then feel it? No, because then that's just cocaine, isn't it?

Yeah, no. Hang on. Put glasses on and do Lemo. I'm in the metaverse. It's not real, Lord. I'm in the metaverse. Just me in the garden office. I've got the special glasses on. You can't catch me. Absolutely tragic if I basically ended up where I was two years ago in the real world, just goggles on, shite all around my nose going i'm meta gardening what look at that lawn

look at that vr lawn no i'm gonna go mad max like when you tell a kid if he puts his sunglasses on he's invisible like like when kids get scared put these on no one can see you i'm like wow that's you in the middle of it put these goggles on no one can tell you not for doing cocaine laura's literally nudging me these vr goggles are amazing okay so what happens if you're in the vr world and you're at a bar because it's real in it you're at a bar it's not real no it's going to become reality isn't it that's what i'm saying right and then you're there and laura's over there chatting some fella up like what what's happening, Leon? You would not get sad.

Sorry. Are you saying, what if I had VR goggles on, on the couch, Laura was sat next to me in the real world with VR goggles, and we were at the same part of the metaverse and she's getting chatted up by some random stud? Yeah. Would I get annoyed?

Yeah. What, am I get annoyed? Yeah. Am I just going to stick around going, oh, we came here together and we're going to have to leave together? You didn't come together? You've caught it out? The question is, you're a married man. Yeah? Yeah. Right. You're currently a married man. That's legal. I've got the documents. I imagine we have. You're in the

database. You both put your goggles on. You're getting into it and she gets in there. And some fella comes over and is like, hey, baby girl, you want to suck my dick? Right? And she just goes, absolutely. No, but like... Dan, hold my meta purse.

Like, but immediately... Immediately. Are you like... Because you can interact with her as well. We're all in the same metaverse. Yeah. Are you going to him, like, what are you doing?

I'm stood right here. That's me, missus. Or are you like, you know what? It's only the metaverse. She's only in the same metaverse. Are you going to him, like, what are you doing? I'm stood right here. That's me, missus. Or are you like, do you know what? It's only the metaverse. She's only getting meta-bummed. Yeah. What's the meta?

I'm just bumming your wife in VR. Yeah. And I stick around and watch. Oh, I'm fuming about this. When I take these goggles off, girl, we're going to have a fucking serious chat on the couch.

Are you stopping it? Are you going, hey, what are you doing? Am I meta-stopping it? Or have you been a meta-cuck? Just literally stood there. Go on, you finish, girl, but I'm fuming.

I'm not even taking these off. Are you fuming? The question is, would you be bothered? What, if she gets, if she notches someone off in the metaverse? It's absolutely nailed

in the metaverse. Gets absolutely rammed. Yeah. And I, but I'm, am I going off to get? You can do whatever you want. You can go and suck a bath.

You can do whatever you want. Let's have an open relationship in the metaverse. Right, okay. There we go. All good. It wouldn't bother you at all. I mean, we talk in the current technology where she's not actually feeling anything.

It's all just visual. Are we talking like black mirror, neurological, she feels everything? No, I think she's feeling it. I think this is a conversation couples are going to have to have like you don't cheat on me in the real world or in the metaverse

I know what you're like women get pissed off when you cheat on them in their own head in their dreams in their dreams so you're going go on Leon lad

I'll go with the other gaff Leon and she's sitting next to you and you can hear whoa Leon but you're just hiding yours up going la la la la la I'm wandering out

I'm wandering off. I'm going to go and do some gardening in the metaverse. Take my mind off it. No, it's fine. Open relationship in the metaverse, I think. How would you feel about it with Serica? I'll go and find Serica. I think... I'm Leon.

I'll just pass your name in the metaverse. I would genuinely, would it bother you? Probably, yeah. Would it, yeah? Yeah. You're so fucking protective, aren't you? You can't even cheat on me in the metaverse. What's the difference between that though

and you just visiting a brass house on GTA? Because I am not the man in GTA. You hypocrite. But what if you could, like if you could create your own character on GTA and it's Carl, let's say the new GTA that's coming out, it's like the character you get to design it,

you know, like an old school sort of, like you can make him look like you, literally. And you can call him Carl. And you can, you know, he lives in the Spanish Quarter of Aiton. You can do all of that and it's you. To your best intents and purposes, it's you. Are you saying if you did that,

you would never go to a brass house in GTA? But in the brass house are these women knowing who I am and they're also real people. Yeah, they're all like, Carl, you're all right, lads. Get here. They're working as prostitutes in the metaverse. And am I feeling it?

No. No, that's different then, isn't it? So if Seneca couldn't feel it, she can just look at, like Leon. She can call someone up right now and do it and I would be happy with it. What do you mean? She can call someone up now and go,

hey, I'm sucking you off. And I'd be like, what are you doing? It would be a weird thing for her to open a conversation. No, but I mean, if she can't feel it, it's just a conversation, isn't it? Is she ringing hotlines? Yeah, but happy pissed, yeah. What are you up to?

So it's feeling it that's the line for you? Yeah. If someone else is giving you pleasure, then I'd be like, hey, what are you doing here? What if it's CPU, though? What if it's... What if someone bakes her a cake? What if someone bakes her a cake?

Can I have some of the cake? No. I'm fuming. I love it. What if she gets sucked off? What if she eats a cake? Not a euphemism. He doesn't want anyone to give her pleasure.

What about if it's a computer-generated penis that's giving her the pleasure? I mean, it's just a... Yeah, it's not another about if it's a computer-generated penis that's giving her the pleasure? I mean, it's just a... Yeah, it's not another player. It's a computer-generated Leon. I'd feel like... She's shagging an NPC. Yeah, that's worse.

I said CPU. That's what I meant. Shagging a car park. Attendant, customers, cars. Two fines? I parked in an NCP. No, don't screech us Don't screech us

We're in the fucking metaverse Don't whinge about car parking tickets Wow Am I gutted? Yeah because I'm like Can't I give you that pleasure? What in the metaverse? Are you both playing

Oh my god Carl lighten up You're in the metaverse Just get sucked off By a fucking ladyboy Who cares? What if Leon You're doing GTA heightened Live Leon has got a nine and a half inch dick that bends in the officer's direction to yours

so it's in corners you can't hit? Adam, he didn't even like the cake. There are no corners I've not hit. What type of cake? Because I'd say, I can make you a lemon drizzle, babe. In the real world. I'm shit at baking.

I'll teach you how to make cakes. Thank you. Yeah, parked in two NCPs in Seneca. Hang on. She said, don't worry, you drove, I'll pay. And then entered Air Reg. Two times. Yeah.

So they went, you haven't paid us. Like, I haven't. That's the modern misogynistic women that shit at parking. They're always putting

the wrong reg in. I texted them. I've got this one, babe. I went, do you know when you pay for my parking? Yeah, I went, you put my reg in.

No. That's why I've got £200 worth of fines on the fucking... There it is yeah. I went, you put my reg in? No. That's why I've got 200 pounds worth of fines on the fucking... There it is. She's got to pay them. 200? Yeah.

It's 35 if you pay within two weeks, but I did nothing more than the last two weeks. For the week. Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I've appealed... 35 if you... Hang on. As long as you send receipts...

Yeah, it's 35 or 100. I don't know what that is. As long as you send receipts... Is it NCP or private? NCP. Oh, dear. But if you say, I've sent them receipts of proof

that I parked at that time just at the wrong wrench and hopefully they're going to go okay. Yeah. Unlikely though, isn't it? That is such, that is amazing. You want 100 pound off me?

I've already given you three quid and there's me the seat? They'll be like, fuck off, mate. Your missus fucked it. There you go. Oh, I'm sad. All right, well, let's have a sponsor

and we'll get some of that money back for you. Mm, smooth. Mm, smooth. We have a charity bike ride approaching us. We're going to India in November. We're all doing separate fundraising dan me finn carl we have our separate fundraising links and dan has already hit his target i've got some events coming up over the summer where i'm going to attempt to uh hit my target finn you're doing better than me

at the minute because all of our art funded the Jew and Carl's plugging along as well we went to Zoe's place a couple of days ago and sort of met everyone that we're doing we did didn't we the

the the bike ride with everyone seemed lovely everyone was great weird meeting that many people going oh we're all going to India

together for 10 days yeah and you know no no athletes. There's a former athlete, Robbie Fowler might come on with us if he doesn't get a management job, but there's no athletes. And that made me feel quite good about the whole thing. Watching Finn's head fall straight off.

I don't know. I just saw you going, Robbie Fowler. Yeah, I'm fine with like entertainment people footballers are a different breed to me but he's so everyday Robbie Fowler I think I've seen him a million times

he's a legend though you're a lad from Rill who loves Liverpool he's a legend yeah I suppose and Dead Sound and he knew me name

which blew me head off I went over and went you alright mate nice to meet you and he went you alright Adam I was like I'll be Robert F fowler um here's

what i wanted to tell you though could you put the picture in of all of us in our yellow tops uh because we all got given a yellow t-shirt didn't we we did as always and uh straight after uh being at zoe's place i went to m&s uh near on queen's drive near where the new zoe's place is going to be uh to get some food for myself to cook for the evening for sustenance and calories and energy larks and spencer's food and i think because i had that top on the woman on the till thought i was she thought i was a bit special why did the Does the woman on the till, was she special? Does she know what Zoe's place? I don't think she read Zoe's place.

I just think she's seen that it was obviously just a special, because I got to the till with me stuff. And also- I just met Robbie Fowler. All right, cool. She did love. Cool, man. But all I had, because I was making steak and eggs.

So I had a piece of steak eggs and some salt and some Febreze because I knew I'd run out of Febreze so it looked like a bit of a mental like not many people make steak and eggs that's like an Americanised food that I eat quite a bit

not many people make steak, eggs and Febreze no so I put them on the thing and I'm just stood there waiting to be served. And she literally, this is why I swear this is true, so she scans them soon. She goes, that's a lovely T-shirt. And I went, yeah, it's a charity I do a lot of work for. And she went, oh, right, do you want a bag?

You should have went, thank you.. Do you want a bike? You should have went, thank you. Aren't you doing really well? Shopping for yourself. Thank you. This is my yellow T-shirt. I'm going on a bike ride for charity. Of course you are, babe. On next week's episode,

I will be announcing a country music country festival one day rooftop event. An all dayer. Is it a bonanza? Or an extravaganza? It's the Yeehaw. Yeehaw.

All day event. More teddy swims. It's going to be class. And tickets are going to go on sale at my arena show. Oh, shit. So anyone coming to the arena will get priority. I'm going to just put a QR code on the screen. So if you're watching this on Saturday morning.

I think so, yeah. But if there's any tickets left, they'll be on sale next week. 3,400. So what are we doing? 350. Oh, Lord. Oh, yeah, they're going to sell instantly, instantly aren't they yeah i think so yes um i'm really excited that's our and all of the money from that is going to my zombies place fund and i'm gonna do a few other um comedy nights over the summer where i'm gonna try and pull in some favors from some big names

to come and do them with me uh just to get that fund up Because the target for all of us is five and a half grand, but I'd really like to smash through that, really. Yeah, I've been doing cameo videos. There's several hundred people who've had one from me already. That's how I smash my target. I'm now moving my link to Carl and Finn. So I'll still do them if you want them.

Give us a message. But the link that you need to donate to is Carl's or Finn's. Send me a screenshot on Instagram. There are a couple of people on Facebook. I owe you a video. It's because you came through Facebook. If anyone wants one, DM me on Instagram.

All I need is a screenshot of the donation. Anything above 20 quid, I'll do your cameo, as will you. Thank you. Yeah, I'll do it. It's a collective. We all need to get past our target. Okay, so i owe some people cameos as well um i i told people to dm me on instagram and i got a few of them but like

i don't mean this to sound as sort of what like anything but i get so many messages on instagram i can't possibly find every message so so i had this problem and i had to go back on my stories and go hey if you haven't had your video yet can you message me to remind me so it goes to the top of my inbox because it's not an ideal system but even if you do that i likely won't see it so that we've got an old email address um that i've still got on my phone from when we did blind days so there's an email address which is hawblinddateatgmail.com. Make a new one.

What? Make a new one. No, this will work. Why would I make a new one? And then I have another email to my phone. I'm like, Fiona Harvey, mate, there's 45 emails here. hawblinddateatgmail.com. If you email that with evidence, will I owe you a cameo?

I will get it done over the next week or so and get it over to you. And if it's urgent because it's someone's birthday in the next few days, then put that in the email and I'll make sure it gets done. Now, this is what I heard. I like to keep you accountable. I heard once you've done the marathon training

that you're on the bike. That was the plan. Have you got on the bike yet? Have you been biking? Have I started bike riding? Yeah. Here's the way I'm at. Any week now, I'm going to buy a bike.

Is it going to be an absolute bastard of a bike? There's no point, is there? By the same as me, I've bought the same bike as we've riden in India. Yeah, that's sensible. Like, if I buy a belt of a bike, then I'm going to have to try and take it on in my hand luggage.

I bought my bike about six weeks ago and the front wheel still hasn't been put on. I've got a bike, but it's never been ridden. I've got such a great road racer. It's so smooth and fast on roads and bike tracks until you take the wrong turn and you're on gravel and you have to

walk for a mile. That was annoying. You need to buy yourself a new bike you need to drive and on gravel yeah but for now i am enjoying road riding on this and i've done six seven bike rides the first one oh my gooch my gooch did not feel good it's it's stronger i've got a stronger gooch i can report it just yeah it adapts i've got some nice padding got some baboon bottoms but it's getting easier and i am enjoying riding bikes i get it i get why it's enjoyable you're on the road or the curb uh there are there's an amazing old train track that goes down to connor's key and all the way out to the other side of chester and then you can loop off it and go next to the river so i side of Chester and then you can loop off it

and go next to the river. So I sort of don't need to be on roads if I don't want to. Got such an amazing... You should probably get used to dodging traffic, though, shouldn't you? Yeah. I don't think that's the training you need to do.

Like, you're not going to go on the motorway and be like, don't worry, I'm fucking training for India. I won't be ready. You did. Yeah. We need to dodge buses right that's what I'll do I'll go in bus lanes

in the middle of town and that'll be good training Dan's been knocked off a bike by a bus oh yeah yeah but it's training what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger like your gooch? two broken legs so I'm enjoying it we will start soon as soon as he gets his I feel like I'm going to do mine

are you going to come to mine? when he gets his bike I'll start riding'm going to do mine. Are you going to come to mine? Are you going to come to mine for a little bike ride? When he gets his bike, I'll start riding with him. Ah, nice. Don't like doing things on my own. I'll be honest, you know,

the bout of what I assume was COVID that I got, because I think I got COVID just before the Paris Marathon was supposed to happen. I haven't really recovered from it. I've still got a bit of, my lungs are just a bit fucked

like I'm still running I've been running like 5k's and stuff but 5k is a bit of a a push at the minute which is down from like 20k where you were yeah it's

it's completely fucked me breathing you've got asthma yeah but yeah I've always had asthma I think you'll find the bike easier don't think

it's that it doesn't hit your lungs as hard i think it's just the bum in it it's just the ass train that ass you need to get the bike sorted we're going back what are you gonna do finn huh what are you gonna do i got into it a couple of months ago and then i got bored right i was doing we got an exercise bike in the spare room a few times a week i was doing it like three to be on trains i understand that what are you gonna do when you get to india and you haven't ridden a bike before so this is stabilizers yeah yes um you're just gonna be potter my auntie's got me a bike that was her that was my uncle's that's what he's he's proper into cycling so they've got

a bike for me i just haven't been to collect it yet right because i've got to take the front wheel off and i don't want to if it's a road bike you can't use it by the way that's what he's doing it's not it's a mountain bike but i you can use it no but you're learning the wrong bike yeah you keep saying this like i'm gonna get on a slightly different mountain bike and go oh god what's this i have no idea like if you're riding a bike you are doing training for riding a bike i get what you mean when it gets to it it would be good to have the mountain bike set up but if i do three or four months on this road bike it's not like i'm damaging the the training like it's still positive in it you're still doing fitness and you're still training for riding a bike. You're not going to come off...

Like, car makes out, like, because I've got the slightly wrong shape bike. Like, I'm going to be doing... Like, it's a negative. You're still... No, but it's not a negative, but it's not as positive as it could be, is what he's saying.

Well, I've spent the fucking money on the bike now, so I'm going to get the summer's worth out of it. That's, like... It's like it's like saying if you were training for the marathon oh i don't do long runs i just do 5k twice a day every day you like no it's i can see what you mean i see i can see you're just not training in the right way um but it's a slight different position wise the legs are still the motor aren't they i'm still practicing your legs

it's like training for box a boxing match and never throwing a punch no it's not no it's not no it's not bad analogy i'm having bullshit that's dancing on a bike your legs are on the fucking pedals and they're going up and down i haven't got a bike where one goes left and one goes right that's not and i also i know that i just went my right leg are you leaning forward a little that's a different position, it's a different position. You're wearing your ass in wrong? Yeah. Watch me get to India and be like,

I don't know how to do it. What the fuck? I'll be fine. We'll be fine. You're going to be fucked. You've not even got on yours. I've got the right one. And he's in his fucking...

That's what I think about that. We're going to win this race, by the way. You're fucked, mate. I can't wait for your competitive juices to flow. And after 70 kilometers in rajasthan all of a sudden carl and adam are racing to the end and me and robbie fowler just cruising around going i don't even know how to ride this i had a road bike robbie mad robbie managing blackburn on zoom

i hope he doesn't get a manager's job. I want him to do really well in his career, but I want him to come to India. It's funny. It is. We've got a question from Dean. Lads, I went to the cinema last week and the fella in front of me whipped out a full leftover Chinese and scrammed it during the film.

I thought it was fucking weird, but my missus maintains that she thinks the man is a role model. Yeah. Thoughts on eating non-cinema scram in the cinema and what's the weirdest food you could bring in that's from dean as long as it didn't stink it's sound whoa i nearly went the wrong chair then a chinese in a succulent chinese meal got to smell that can't be odorless

leftover chinese often doesn't smell the The smell's in the heat. Is it? It is though, isn't it? You're not wrong. I've taken a Mackey's in. That's okay, isn't it? That's quite standard. Doesn't stink?

No. Mackey's doesn't smell like anything. Ah, caviar to me. I made a faux pas a couple of months ago. I went and I took, because I mistimed it and I ordered food and I didn't time it right. So I had a full like garlicy pasta.

You're a fucking nut bed. I didn't mean to do it. I mistimed it. Where did you order it? Well, then you don't take it in. You put it in the bin and you fucking swallow it. You go, I swallow it. No, you swallow the money you've spent on it.

You go, I don't get to eat me garlicy pasta now. Or you wait till afterwards and eat it cold. Were you in Frankie and Benny's or something? No, it was the pasta gaff I like on Castle Street. You're pathetic. Oh, you love that pasta gaff.

That is so fucking horrific. But a Chinese is fine. I literally just said, if it didn't smell. Busy film? No. There was like four other people in there,

but I knew that it fucking stunk. I was aware as soon as I opened it. You're a fucking arsehole. I know, I didn't mean to. I won't do it again. Any fish-based, are we saying, I know you're anti-tuner, I'm mad anti-tuner. Any fish-based coming out of a Tupperware, whether it's one of them cold pastry things

or, well, I don't know, a tuna sandwich. If you take fish to the cinema, blow the head off. That's a shooting offence, isn't it? Oh, I didn't tell you about this. I can't believe I didn't know. If you take fish to the cinema, blow the head off. That's a shooting offence, isn't it? Oh, I didn't tell you about this. I can't believe I didn't tell you. I can't believe I didn't tell fucking Instagram, to be honest with you. You know, I was in London at the weekend. This is how tired I was coming back from London the other day.

I didn't tell you this when I got back. When I get on the London train now, there's standard class, there's first class, and there's one carriage called standard premium and it's 20 quid and you get to upgrade and you get everything you get with first class

apart from the meal right yeah and you don't want the meal on the train the food's fucking shite slightly bigger seat you want the bigger seat

yeah the quieter carriage guaranteed plug socket guaranteed table right it's worth it it's fucking wonderful but it's like people

don't even know about it right people don't even know about it. Right? People don't really know the rumours yet. Do they not even announce it? No. Oh. Right? It's the VIP.

It's often really quiet. And it was really quiet the other day. And I was sat. I literally got on. And because it was quite a busy train, like there was loads, you know, the grand national moments at Houston,

where they go, platform 16, and every fucking person. I kind of love it. What a game. I kind of love it. It was so busy, and I was, like, right at the front of it because I'd seen, like, the board change before they announced it.

Nice. Right? So I'd seen it and just fucking bolted and got near the front, and I looked behind me, and it's a fucking stampede, so I was like, this is going to be a chocolate train. And I'd rather have one of the, there's one seat in Standard premium where you go in as soon as you go in the first seat on your right is a single is a single but there isn't even a seat opposite yeah there's a single with a table and then the back of another seat and it is it's the best chair in transport not facing the door

facing the rest of the seats yeah yeah right so i i get in and just go i'm the first person in san aprile i'm gonna get that right a fella gets on and he gets on at the other end of my carriage right gets on and comes in on the thing and sits on like this this there's this chair so it's like a mirrored thing so there's the chair i've sat in over on the opposite side he walked past that he walks past the table of four and on the next table of four he chooses that as the one who's going to sit there yeah train takes off me and him are the only two people in the whole carriage oh right with the only two people in it listen to this it's beautiful on my way onto the

train i'd been to pret there's a press at houston right and i got myself a coffee and an egg mayo sandwich and listen i thought to myself if it's a chocker train and i'm sat like facing someone or opposite i'll just eat this when i get to the fill i'll get like a i'll just i got crisp as well so i'll just eat the crisp so i hadn't opened it on the way to the train because I was like, I'm not going to do that. He's at the other end of the carriage, right?

And I sort of, I'm just eating it, right? And he has to walk past me to go to the toilet because the toilet's here. So he walks past me, goes to the toilet

and I'm just eating me butty. And like, he sort of like goes, ugh, as he walks past me me the worst person to do that to is adam row he then so i was like i i thought it was something else right but then he goes back down the other end of the carriage and i he's on the phone and he goes there's some lad on my fucking carriage eating a fucking egg mayo but you understand i'd sit on his table. And I literally went, I went, mate, I can hear you, you know. And he went,

yeah, it's just a bit much. He's got an egg mayo butty on his, he's another scouser. He goes, yeah, it's just a bit much an egg mayo butty on his thing, isn't it, lad? And I went, what are you talking, can you smell it from there? He goes, that's not the point. I said, it is the point. It is the point. I said, I wouldn't be eating it if you were sat opposite me. He said, yeah, whatever, lad.

And that was it. Also, he could sit further away. He chose to sit closer. Exactly. Oh, I would have moved and sat on his table. You're all right. What a rat. Do you remember the fellow who sat next to you on the plane on the way to New York when he was a million other seats

and put a seat back? Oh, we didn't even tell you about that. So we're getting on the plane to New York when there's a million other seats and put a seat back. Oh, we didn't even tell you about that. So we're getting on the plane to New York. First of all, the woman who was like doing the seats for the plane was very anti-Semitic. Oh my God, she was so anti-Semitic. We're at the gate. Nice.

This Jewish fella, right? Nice. Nicely done. This Jewish fella. God, progress has been made. But like, you know, when I say Jewish fella, he's like, you know. He had the hat on oh my god he's got the pigtails yeah the big hat though not the little one the pigtails ironically they're the big round one yeah yeah yeah i know i know

and he and he's fat cunts as well right and he goes he goes over to the woman and he he had loads of kids with him and his wife we've heard about him right 11 kids yeah but when he's when we first got there he he goes up and he's got like everyone's passports and he's like is our passports there love right and she goes uh yeah how can i help you and he goes uh obviously we're not all sat together on the plane i'm just wondering whether it doesn't look like the plane's going to be full whether we could actually sit together whether there's anywhere we could move to and she goes uh there's only single seats available on this flight so like you could move a couple of people around but you're not going to be sat together and you probably just don't want to do that she even goes

yeah we've already got signals on the computer when the the plane is finished boarding, me and Carlos, so the plane's one of those where it's like two seats, four seats, two seats. Yeah, right? Me and Carlos are on the right in a two-seat thing. Next to us, the front three rows of the four seats are completely empty. That's whole family in a 443 formation.

Yeah. And probably more going back as well. That's just near us. There's two lads who were on the next row of four seats behind us, like there. So like if I'm facing it, they're there. One row behind and in the four seats. And after the plane takes off, everyone goes,

can we move around a bit? Like go to the sort of empty seats. And she's like, yeah, yeah. So Carl goes behind us. So I've got two seats to myself. Carl's got two seats to himself. The two lads from those four seats there comes over, sits in front of me on the two seats that were empty in front of me,

and both immediately go. And put us all the way back like there is an abundance of seats on this plane with nobody behind them that is a oh that is a microaggression do you know what i did for the entire i don't know whether you've seen this for the entire flight i'm playing games on the screen and i am basically fucking punching the screen to play sudoku on it. I'm like, that one is a nine. That one is an eight. And at one point he turned around and I just go, what? And he goes, I can feel you playing the game.

And I went, yeah. But you wouldn't have if you stayed in your fucking seat. And also the Jewish family took the spare seats that they asked for that they were denied. She went, no, you're not having them. And then he was just mad. she was anti-semitic um you know this story yeah why were the jewish people involved in this version of the story aren't these two lads are these two lads from the family no right it feels like we've got that story which is great about the thing but i feel

like the jewish family have come in again and not been an essential part of the retelling of this. They were denied these spare seats. They were denied the spare seats. Right, right, right, right. I was showing that anti-Semitism is alive and well. Yeah. Yeah, you did.

Well. It's doing well. I just don't... Anti-Semitism is largely ignored, isn't it? It's not seen as like it's not seen as like real racism by a lot of people which is very silly

because they're very I think it's historically been pretty some examples of when it's real they were forced to make the pyramids went

that's the one I was thinking about it was either Jews or aliens let my aliens go. They're the two competing theories, though. The most persecuted people. Aliens.

Oh! Should we do some icks? Who can do a theme? Icks. Cool. A lot of effort on that one. Tasha says, when lads are eating

and take a gulp of their drink whilst they have food in their mouth. Absolutely gross. Dirty ick. Washing your food down. Just want to find that. Yeah. Finish your mouth full

then have a drink. When you've got literally like diet Coke and food in your mouth at the same time. When you drink some like Fanta. Minds that. Separate them. What if you've got like a dry throat? I occasionally get a dry throat and sometimes I know

I'm not going to be able to swallow without like having some liquid. Grow up. You're not into it. I don't like it. He wouldn't fuck you because of it. And that's the ick. Mark Cullum says an ick is when girls park their car and don't straighten their wheels.

Or put the wrong reg in. Allegedly. Mark, what do you mean? This is just... It happens in my road. It's not just women though, is it? No, but I mean,

who... Very common. Who is with a girl and goes, do you know what? I'm not going to fuck you now. You know why? Because you didn't straighten up your wheels when you parked.

Why is he specified girls? I've seen men do this. Yeah, but... Disgusting. Zach says, girls who name their car gives me the ick, especially when they only refer to the car by that name or even speak to their car.

I hate this because girls hate that I've named my car and it does my fucking head in. Like, it's my car, Mr. Brum. I knew that. No, it's not. You need to talk more? It's called Mr. Brum. Yeah?

If Jack's ever like, like if me and Jack have been shopping, and I've like, yesterday in Cheshire Oaks, he was like, I think I've left me cap, and I was like, it's probably a Mr.aks, he was like, I think I've left me cap. And I was like, I probably have Mr. Brum. No, you didn't know. No, it can't be true. I want it to be true, but it can't be.

Is it? Yeah. Mr. Brum. Go for a nice drive with Mr. Brum. Yeah. You know the TV show, Brum? Yeah. It's just a big version of that, isn't it?

What's yours called? I don't have, I don't know. You know, like if someone rings you and you're in the car and you answer it and like, it sounds weird, doesn't it? Cause it's going through the thing. If someone's ever like, where are you? I'm like, I'm't know you know like if someone rings you and you're in the car and you answer it and like it sounds weird doesn't it because it's going through the thing if someone's ever like

where are you I'm like I'm just in Mr. Brum no no no seriously yeah god bless you

it's not that wild is it it's a little bit it's Adam and it's the cutest like I call my car Mr. Brum I just don't say it like that no

oh yeah say it dead hard yeah girl get in Mr Brum and I'll give you a bit of Little Vinny your car's called Mr Brum or your dick's called

Little Vinny isn't Little Vinny a disabled kid in a film that's Little Timmy no Little Vinny or is it My Cousin Vinny

yeah it's My Cousin Vinny it's not about a disabled kid is it isn't it just Robert isn't it Danny DeVito My Cousin Vinny? Or is it my cousin Vinny? Yeah, it's my cousin Vinny. It's not about a disabled kid, is it? Isn't it just Robert? Isn't it Danny DeVito? My cousin Vinny? No, it's Joe Pesci. Yes. Oh, yeah. Isn't it about a lawyer? Sorry. I was getting lawyers and disabled people mixed up.

He's got a call called Mr. Brum. Sam, have you ever named your cars? The Beast. I called the Audi Q7 The Beast. Nice. Yeah. But I didn't go, hey, Laura, get in The Beast. In my head, I was like, oh, it's The Beast.

You call your car, your car is called The Beast. Yeah. My old car, yeah. That's because children avoid it. Married its cousin. Oh, here's the beast. Mila says, my boyfriend puts his toast in the wrong way

with the curved head of the slice down first. Absolutely criminal behavior. Right. That is bang out of order. But me and Harry were sorting through the icks yesterday and he told me what he does with the toast and I honestly think he might need firing go on

this is Mike on what do you do with toast Harry? so when it got brought up when Finn read it out to me I thought it was like oh yeah you never put it in tall ways because then the top doesn't get toasted so I put my toast in sideways,

but my toaster at uni didn't fit. So I used to bend it and like cram it in and then like it would toast curved and then I'd have to like get out with a knife. Oh, that's not aimed at all. Is the top bit the fold, not just a weird combo of not toasted and burnt? Yeah, so if you put it in tall ways,

you've got to flip it out halfway through. I constantly flip my toast throughout the cycle. No, you just cram it in. Here's the thing, right? Toasters aren't wide enough for good bread. I only buy square bread as well What? Like toast

Roberts Toasty loaf Have you not Roberts It's not round at the top It's just square This was my argument I didn't realise there was a top of bread

Well if you buy the round one There's an obvious top of bread Yeah there is an obvious top of bread No but Bread's got ears Bread's got ears Near the head Oh yeah if you buy

Fucking posh farmhouse bread No If you buy Working class men's like Toasty loaf No Warburtons has got ears near the head. Oh, yeah, if you buy fucking posh farmhouse bread. No, it's Robert's. If you buy working class men's toasted loaf. No, Warburtons has got ears. No, it's a cube. Farmhouse loaf has. It's not.

The smaller one is so toastable, but then you have it and you're like, this isn't a proper slice of toast. By the way, buy fresh bread. Do you know if you're doing all right and you can afford the extra ATP? I don't know, that's a lot of money when you're constantly buying bread. Fresh bread is so much better than war buttons and stuff is it cut though

it's better if you cut it yourself you can cut it exactly the thickness you want it can i just say if you treat yourself right if i'm really concentrating on my toast i'll put everything down on the toaster with nothing in it let the toaster warm up to heat then put my toast in oh well preheat your time i think it's yeah i think it it it means the toast you're getting up too early you if i really want to nail my toast that's how you do it it doesn't warm the piece of bread all the way through it just sort of like scorches the sides and the middle's dead fresh that's a great way to make a toast as well in a pan oh my you're talking about my ting mate what something i did that yeah so like last night when i made steak and eggs i made a piece of bread with it as well so while my steak was resting and my eggs were cooling i got a piece

of bread put it um so i got a bit of olive oil and butter in a pan, put it face down in there and then flipped it. But when you flip it, you have to add a bit more because it's normally soaked it all up and it goes crusty and... That sounds...

And if you're doing pizza from the oven... Also still getting the juices from the steak in the pan. If you've got time, get the pan out, heat that up. When you get your pizza out of the oven, just put it in the pan for like 30 seconds, 45 seconds, just to like give it that.

Crunch the best. Oh, mate. Superb. The air fryer's going to blow. Like I'm no chef. You're good at cooking, but it is all just about detail and effort in it. If you put it in, you'll get it back out.

Eloise J, quite a quite a name also by the way things taste better if you make them look presentable oh you taste stuff with your eyes i was eating not with the eyes all right eloise j says wagwan lids ick for you here when a lad tries to pull his sock off and instead of it coming off, it goes inside out, stretches and looks like a Chinese finger trap. Vile. What? So she's, don't fuck up taking your socks off.

Men can't do fucking anything. Hang on. Because it dries up Eloise's pum pum. First of all, I totally agree with Carl. The whole Ick thing is just evidence of how picky women are, right? Even when it's lads whinging?

Yeah. All right. No, but it is predominantly a female thing. Like, we're making it open to everyone. Yeah. Like, you look at, like, search ick video on TikTok. It's all girls complaining about things. Yeah, but we're all fanny hounds, aren't we?

So we're like, yeah, it's fine. Not from Mark, who's like, straighten up your wheels. What's she on about? How does someone fail to take their sock off and make it go inside out like a Chinese thing you've never

you've never taken a sock off badly you know when you try and put your big toe in it that's short and sexed if you're about to start sexing your socks

you need to do the yeah with your feet toe and then you're like oh and then your jeans and then you fucking oh that's the only time

that happens but if I'm stood up I can take my socks off you can and then you're like, oh, and then your jeans, and then you fucking, oh. That's the only time that happens. But if I'm stood up, I can take my socks off. Yeah, you can, Carl. You're doing really well with that. I am a big boy. That point where you're like, I've got to get these off, and then you try and just take them off slyly without them knowing you're taking your socks off.

Do you take your jeans off and your socks off? Oh, it's ceremonial, mate. I undress in a different room. I'll tell you what's a really um really sort of you know as i've sort of upped my fashion game i know like we were talking about this last week i was taking the piss out of you and no one seemed to get that i was trying to be a little bit ironic because i was sitting here in a yankees top and a corona and people going how dare adam take the piss out of dan's clothes while he's there in the sports way and it's done me good but uh you in the

last two weeks looks like you're working in baseball sports way. It's done me good, but you, in the last two weeks, looks like you're working in baseball, like almost exclusively. It's just when we're in the studio, I like to be chill. Do you know what I mean? Like, I just like to be fucking comfy and relaxed. I've always got my trackies on and stuff.

I've sort of taken that out of Carl's book, really. I'm going the other way. I'm trying to get pussy. What? I, as you know, as you all know, over the past couple of years, I've become a bit of a bootsman, right? Oh, yeah.

And do you know if you are sort of getting into it with a lady, maybe you get back to your apartment and you're on the couch, you haven't quite gone to bed and you sort of sat and then things start going and you start getting ready to fuck. You know if she's like, take your pants off and you're you start like getting ready to fuck uh you know if she's like take your pants off and you're like no problem girl boots make that a slightly longer process than if you can just kick your trainees off and nothing slows down fuck time like having to undo

several laces or unzip your boots yeah yeah good for fashion Good for fashion, bad for quick fucking. Bad for quick fucking. Then 110s fly off. Do you think your pants are all the way off? What? Because I'm guessing there's men who leave it around their ankles and that would give me the ache of hours a woman. What, pants around your ankles? Yeah.

Oh, no, I'm going in full nude. I will say this, a winter bonk, if we have not got the temperature of the room right, I'm talking deep as dark as cold as winter I will allow keeping those socks on because you know you or her

I don't mind both it's fine she looks good and we look weird in them I like I like a woman to have as many clothes on as possible

and still be able to fuck can I tell you what I'm a big fan of I'm a big fan genuinely I'm a big fan of the bra staying on and then doing that thing where you sort of get the tits out

while the bra's still on. We said this last week. Do the little push-up. We said this last week? Yeah. Boobs are better when you find them. Yeah, I'll give you that. Absolutely.

I don't think the socks should be a big part of the lovemaking. I don't think they should be a focal point. Socks, really high up on a girl, class. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm not wearing my Barcelona. Just pulling something to the side and fucking rather than taking it off is so much better.

With consent. Of course. Laura's got some zip knickers that I really like. Get the zip with your teeth in. Zipped? Yeah, she's got Velcro panties. They're my favourite.

Don't get your pubes caught in them. Good fun. I don't really have pubes. All right, time for a break. Keris Mack, last ick, and then we'll move. Keris Mack says, seeing your other half drop something like a receipt and then running to pick it up in the wind.

That is a valid ick. If it's two steps away, it's gone forever. That would dry my vag for a week. Watch someone go, oh, shit. Stand on it. Do you know, I've been out with a girl once and had the worst version of this. And I know it's the worst version.

And I literally, as I was having to do this, just knew that it would be... And she never mentioned it, and we were fine but i know full but she also didn't like laugh it off i knew full well it probably made her sick the wind blew me ass off oh and it went 25 yards behind me. And then... You had to chase it. I had to chase it. And as I went to pick it up...

Another gust. Another gust blew it another 20 yards. So I had to double bend for the hat that had blew off my head right in the middle of Liverpool 1. Oh. The fact that I think it is a testament to me. Did you like the post? That we still fucked that night.

Can you imagine it with that road? That was a shift. That took some charisma. Imagine having to stop traffic. I'm sorry, mate. Oh, he's a bald man. He's the stuff of nightmares. And with that, we break.

Oh, I've got like, I feel like I'm Vietnam veteran again. I'm bonfire now. PTSD cringe. Part three of four of this week or last week's episode. It's Ian Stone. Hello, chaps.

How are you? Great. Yeah. Very, very happy to be here. Love it here. Thanks for coming in. Absolute ledge, mate. Absolute ledge. Thank you. Thank you. That's very nice. I love coming here. Love it here. Thanks for coming in. It's all right. Absolute ledge, mate. Absolute ledge.

Ledge. Thank you. Thank you. That's very nice. I love coming here, by the way. Always, I love coming here. Liverpool? Yeah, because stuff happens whenever you come.

Like what? That's what Jeff Inneson said. Did he? He said the same thing. He said, whenever he comes, something happens. It's just, every time I do a gig, somebody gets upset. I've had things thrown at me. I've had people walk out me i've had people walk

out i've had people essentially offering me their daughters not actually offering me their doors but um it's just it's always exciting always excitement i don't like forgive me for this yeah because we've worked together maybe a handful to 10 times i think at the store predominantly in london pretty much at the comedy store. I think maybe once or twice in Manchester when they used to have their venue. How do you upset people? Because I don't think you're a particularly...

It's not like you're Frankie Boyle, do you know what I mean? Nobody's got some jabs in him. People get upset. I mean, there was a moment, well, the other week, the other week the other week can i i'm telling you i'm telling this people have to understand it was a joke in the room all right no our listeners are not going to take anything the wrong way basically there was a guy in the front and i said to me i said to him look look at you young fella this is your future point

to me right old and jewish right is what i said then I went, are you Jewish? And he went, no. I said, where are you from? And he said, Lebanon. I went, well, you'll be Jewish soon, right? Is what I said. Now, it's a funny joke in the moment, but you know, people get upset by stuff. Yeah. And I said to my missus, I want to put that on social media. She said, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, don't do that. Not at the moment. It's all about the hashtags. Hashtag Garza. Anyone?

I'm just trying to get eyes on. Not right now. It happens on a fairly regular basis. Do you know, like, you're talking about, like, you're not putting content like that out at the moment. Like, I keep getting asked, by the way, where has it gone out of the special we filmed? Yeah.

So we, once a month on our Patreon page, we film something that isn't the podcast and we call them a Patreon special. So we've done some live events. We've done like the roast of Adam and Dan and put that on Patreon. We've also, we've been to Amsterdam, got high for three days,

vlogged it all, put it on Patreon. And occasionally we just do some like concept events. Right. and about six months ago six seven eight months ago something like that we um just as it was kicking off over there there was um there's a place down south you can go and it's a retired army veteran it owns a load of tanks and loads of land and And you can just go and blow shit up. Oh my God, that sounds brilliant. So we're dressed in full army rig out, just having the time of our lives,

trampling things and blowing shit up. This wasn't October the 8th, was it? It was probably just before it. So then we edited all. And it cost us a lot of money to film it, to hire it, to get the entire crew down there to film it. And just as it was about to go out, I was like, I don't think we can put this out.

Because it looks like we're just having a laugh, like glamorizing and fetishizing. It was terrible timing. It was just so, so that is, we've got a full blow shit up Patreon special. And we're just waiting. Oh, Carl's dying for world peace. Yeah, I'm saying you're waiting,

you're waiting for peace in the Middle East, aren't you? That could be any moment, couldn't it really It could be any moment, couldn't it really? It should be all right, shouldn't it really? When it comes out, just know it's incredible. But you're going to have to wait maybe, I don't know, another year. The thing with jokes like the one you just mentioned is when they go on the internet now, like in the room it'll work, as it obviously did.

And on the internet, what will happen is if you were to put that clip out and anyone can see it because they're scrolling and on the internet what will happen is if you were to put that clip out to just and anyone can see it because they're scrolling or that gets comes up on their page is obviously there's awful horrific things happening over there to people who absolutely don't deserve it but people get this idea that like a joke makes their suffering worse do you know what i mean like they get this like sort of like oh well like you can't say that because of this in the room the immediacy of it is this is an absurd thing to say and there's the guttural human reaction of laughing about it the internet gives people time to sit

think digest and pull apart and pick problems with jokes there's no context yeah and that's why you can't put and also you can be scrolling and there can be a reel about isn't this awful you know hamas and then where are you from you'll be jewish soon yeah i mean of course in the room if everyone was like can we just before we do jokes can we just look oh god is awful in it go on do jokes of course that would that would feel awful the terrible juxtaposition but but that is happening on people's phones. I haven't really considered that. Like in the room, like when you do that, they've watched another 30, 40,

an hour of jokes. Exactly. And they're in the joke thing. If you're watching stuff on your phone, I've never really thought about that as why it's a big problem with social media. Like you're getting awful news. And like when I scroll on social media now sometimes,

and I'm just like, this is so depressing and sad and horrific and everyone's angry with each other. How could you? That's why everyone's pissed off at jokes. Because they're watching comedy through that lens. And I've never thought about that before. But you know what? Even in a live setting, I remember years ago when they had the tsunami, right?

And it was, and a friend of ours pete harris do you remember pete harris who used to run he used to run gigs down south maybe it was a bit before you were knocking about and he moved to one of the thai islands and he was living on one of the thai islands and he went what happened was new year sorry christmas day he got pissed and then he went back to his hut, which is about two miles inland, and then the tsunami happened. And the next day, we said, I used to do a joke about how he came down to the beach,

and he's like, how pissed were we last night? I mean, of course that's funny. Of course it's funny. But I did it in a gig in Southampton, and a bloke who'd lost someone at the tsunami i didn't of course i didn't know why would i know nobody gives me a list of all you know the grief that you're suffering don't go there and and uh and people are clapping and cheering i had to leave by a side door and i was i was in i was in the rain by the bins straight off to that show because

he i mean he really he was ready to kill he was trying to get to the stage and he was having to be held back and he's shouting at me yeah and people were going crazy but again what you can't legislate for that here's here's the thing with that sort of phrase because i'm so team comedian and i will defend even jokes i would never tell yeah i will defend any comic right to tell any jokes right a hundred percent and i am so of the opinion and i've said it a million times on this and other podcasts the audience has to accept that when they go to a comedy club you're coming to our house it's our house party and we can play whatever music we want right yeah we can say whatever we want to say you do not get a synopsis of the sets and you just have to accept that you might hear something that might be triggering for

you and you're allowed not to laugh yeah we're not allowed to stand up and shut it down your vote is a i'm not laughing at this this isn't for me but i say all of this just to say right i have sympathy for audience members like this right and i'll tell you why because like like here's what it is like they can't like once they think about it and they listen to what we've just said i think we're right it's our place we'll joke about what we want and if you don't like it you can just leave but imagine being this guy right and he's lost someone in the tsunami just get the game the gig. And he's like, do you know what? Just chill out. I'm just sad. I'm depressed. I'm just going to go to the comedy show.

And they're not going to bring up the tsunami. They're not going to mention me grandmother who I lost. It's going to be fine. Maybe they'll joke about some other stuff. You know, 9-11 I'd be fine with. The London bombings. Like, whatever. In his head, he's just, this is going to be safe.

I'm going to be okay. And he's there just to get over the grief of what he's going through. And then someone makes that joke. How do you not lose your mind in that situation? I mean, you can be annoyed, but to then to try and attack the comedian is next level. He did try and attack me. I'm not, I'm not.

He tried to actually, he was... He came running towards the stage. One of the bouncers... Cancel culture. Rugby tackled him out the way. I was watching him and I grabbed hold of the mic stand because I thought I can clonk him with that if he gets onto the stage. No, because what are you going to do?

I mean, I didn't want to just stand there and... Yes, you're right. It was a terrible joke. Hit me, all right? It might work in a Jim Jefferies way. Is this before people were clipping? Is this before there's no camera on you like i can't get knocked unconscious without what's the point we're not

we're not in a place where a camera and i can go jim jeffries and get million views for it it's just gonna hurt so uh yeah it was a bit unfortunate and i didn't i didn't mention his family personally i didn't i'm calling dave and auntie tina you know and it was uh one of those things so that to go back to what you're saying that's how i upset people and sometimes with the Uncle Dave and Aunty Tina. You know, and it was one of those things. So that, to go back to what you were saying, that's how I upset people. And sometimes with the politics and sometimes with the religion, I used to do an impression of the Pope.

Do you remember the, not the, like the Pope we used to, who sort of his head was on one side. John Paul II. John Paul, was that who it was? I don't know. JP2 or the Austrian one? Not the Nazi one.

Not the one who was in Hitler Youth. The other one. The Sinead O'Connor one. The Sinead O'Connor one. Is that who Sinead is? Is that the one she ripped up the... Yeah, and it was just me putting my head on my side and mumbling and getting pumped up by some bellows at the back.

Is that what he did? He had his head, he was sort of going down. He was 148 years old. He was getting on a bin office. Yeah. Oh, he's a man. And people get, I mean, religion, any jokes about religion like this,

the one who was in the Hitler Youth said he was going to, he was going to, he retired, didn't he? He said he was going to live in the Vatican garden and pray on small boys is what I added, right? And, which it didn't work online because it's a different spelling, but in the room it was pretty funny. Those jokes upset people, but, you know, i added right and and uh which it didn't work online because it's a different spelling but in the room it was pretty funny those jokes upset people but you know fuck them really yeah right

i've got way more sympathy for the tsunami guy than the person who's apologizing for the catholic church i will not have jokes about the catholic church by the way i'm not i'm not in any way i'm full team comic and i'm not in any way saying these people have a right to be upset or that he was right to charge the stage. I'm just saying, if you put yourself in his shoes. Oh, no, you're right. You're absolutely right. It was an unfortunate confluence of events, and it resulted in the fact that I had to leave by a side door

and stand by the bins in the rain. We get messages on here. I think we've built our brand now. We're four years in and we want to joke about everything and we're pushing the line as far as we think we can go. And it's one of my least favorite things when someone messages and goes, hey, that thing that you joked about, that's my thing.

And I don't think you should joke about it. And you're like, but everything else is tickety-boo, because we really do all the other stuff. I thought I'd listen to some past episodes, so I'll click on this one. It's 10 minutes about bumming the Queen to death. That could have been any episode. Do you know what?

Not one fucking complaint. That's what I started listening to. I went, what have I stumbled into That could have been any episode Was it? Oh okay I'm pretty much allowed to talk about whatever I want No one's going to get upset by any of this That was the episode of Remembrance

It was a great tribute Was that pre or post her death? I think pre We lived on both I'm not sure We lived Yeah. We lived on both. But I'm not sure. We lived on both. We lived definitely on both. Oh, my God.

Oh, God. She doesn't care. I do think when an audience member gets really angry in the moment, though, it does give the comedian real opportunity. Because 90% of the time with that, the audience are totally on the comic side. Yeah. And it gives a comedian real opportunity to totally undercut the anger of the person in the room.

And my favorite example of this ever, one of my really best, my best mates has been opening for me on tour, Alfie Brown, right? He describes himself as a room distilling comedian, right? He's like, I'm so divisive. And he will joke about- i've seen right and he's he's on stage at hot water in the pool and it was a christmas show right and i'm sure i've told this

story on here before but and i've definitely told these before he's doing a bit about how um it's an old routine about and it's so funny about how a veganlike food that looks like meat shouldn't be allowed. And he's like, it wouldn't be okay if I just drew my child porn, right? It's like, you're still endorsing the idea that that exists. It's so fucking good. And third row of hot water, this Scouse fella goes,

disgusting, fucking horrific. And he goes, you know what? And he stands up in security, sort of getting near this fella. I'm like, mate, don't go to the stage. And he's going, it's fucking disgusting that, mate. Not only have I got kids, but I work with kids. And you don't joke about shit like that. Kids getting stuff like that done to them.

It's fucking horrific, mate, okay? You do not do it. You're a shit comedian, horrible, ugly cunt. And Alfie went, look, mate, I'm not ugly. He's going to get dragged out the room by security. It was so perfect. His little hand move, he's like, look, mate, I'm not ugly. I love it when people get so angry they can't swear properly

and just start throwing too many swears in and the wrong shit in foot cunt. You're like, no. Yeah, you're not in that order, mate. You're not doing it right. It's nice being a comic. You've been a, you're like a 30-year veteran. 33 now.

33 years. 33, almost 33, yeah. So I'm on 22, Adam's on 13, 14. 14 next month. It's mad, isn't it? Do you feel like there are things in real life that get me wound up, but I just don't know what it is about being the comic and being in that focus of attention and the pressure

and there are people getting annoyed and there's people laughing and there's people that think you're shit. It sort of gives you a kind of, I don't know, it's fine. Like it's a pretensive instinct where I'm like, I don't know what could wind me up. I don't know if it's just. Like it's a pretensive instinct where I'm like, don't know what could wind me up. I don't know if it's just practice control on my part. But I'd love to know what would get me to lose my temper on stage. I just, I think we've, through experience,

through just hours on stage, so many gigs, so many situations where you can't be the person losing your temper. I've done it twice. Oh, really? Twice. Yeah. One time when I was doing the jew thing and uh doing it up and uh this bloke i was doing it up i was and this bloke started making gas noises right and i and it was at the glee club in birmingham and i and i

went i'm not having that and i jumped off the stage and i dragged him out the room and i dragged him like from his collar from the back and all his shirt buttons flew open and I tried to punch him and a bouncer pushed me up against a wall and I was not happy with him for doing that. You really wasn't. I wasn't happy and I thought, oh, my God, they're never going to book me again. And the next night I go back to do my gig and Damon,

who was doing the announcements at the time, they started playing the Rocky theme, right? And they played let's get ready to rumble and then introduce me and i thought i love this club i love if you are going to lose your temper at any club and have them back you up it's it's the glee club oh no but i mean and what and hot water hot water you list them the the clubs that will go no we get you you're we're on your side everyone knew everyone knew i mean you don't do that it was outrageous what was really funny is that dave johns was comparing as i'm dragging the bloke out of the room dave's on stage going nothing to see ladies and gentlemen people looking at me going yes there is one of

the comics appears to be dragging a bloke out of a room and that was one and the other time was when some woman called me an ugly, big-nosed cunt as I walked on. And I went, I'm not having that. And I just walked off, drove home. Before you'd even told a joke. Before I said, hello, good evening. She went, you're an ugly, big-nosed cunt.

And I went, no, bye. And put the mic in the stand and fucked off home. I thought, I'm not having that. Can you say what gig it was? Yeah, it was Oxford Jonglers. It was Oxford Jonglers. Which I didn't't mind doing i was happy to do it but it obviously i was a bit vulnerable whatever there were times when that's happened and i've thought yeah fuck off and just carried on but i wasn't in the mood for it and comedy clubs that are team comic and will

back their comics no matter what are so they're not everywhere anymore they're really like they're not there's some places that are like if if you complain be like right we had a complaints about that bit don't do that bit again but there is like still a good few that are if you're a comic and you do what you do we will back top secret in london top secret will let you say whatever you want in the pursuit of humor they've had so many complaints about comics where i've seen people elliot steel's been on a top secret elliot by the way i know we mentioned this before and he was on recently he has become such a fucking good comedian like he's he's got so like he was always decent but he started so young it was just he was doing all

right he stepped up and he's a smart lad he's got an edge as well he's a comic but now because he's got an edge and he's working at Top Secret to try new bits and he's constantly

trying topical stuff and he's on stage and he's you know he's gonna get it wrong at times and I've seen people like in Mark's face going

you can't have him saying that and Mark who runs the club is like he's a comic and we're backing him and like we can give you a refund if you want but you like it's exactly what you want from promoters in it it's exactly what thank you i really i'm that's great because now i'll just be free to say what i want and have a bit of fun and i will try not to upset people but that's not the

primary concern i just want to have a laugh and And if people get upset, well, hard luck. Well, Mark, hot water, the glee. Yeah, there's a few of them. They're run by people who love comedy. Yeah, the store's the same. And that counts. If you're scared of it,

yeah, store's the same. I think the stands. If you're scared of a Google review, I don't think it's going to be the best club. Yeah. Because, oh my God,

you've got to placate the windiest person in the room. Fuck off. Yeah, yeah. That is the problem nowadays. I mean, I did some gigs in Canada, and there was signs all over the walliest person in the room. Fuck off. Yeah, yeah. That is the problem nowadays, right? I mean, I did some gigs in Canada and there was signs all over the wall,

no heckling allowed. And the guy said to the guy who was running the gig, said, do you have heckling in England? I went, yeah, yeah, yeah, we do, yeah. And he goes to me, doesn't it spoil the show? I went, yeah, sometimes. It does in Oxford. Well, it does in Oxford.

It did. But sometimes it does. But sometimes somebody hecklesles you do a comeback whatever something magical happens in the room and the rest of the gig plays at a higher level and everyone knows they've seen something beautiful and and and unique and he went oh i never thought of it like that and i thought man you're missing out you're missing out because this is where it's at oh practice performed shows are stunning great and we've seen so many of them we've done them you've mentioned Dave Johns.

We mentioned him in the first section. My first hero in stand-up, because I went to the old hyena, you know, when it was downstairs and you played from the corner. Yeah. Joe Enright, Mike Milligan, and I watched Dave Johns compare.

And I'd seen DVDs. I'd been to see Peter Kay on tour. I thought that was stand-up. And then you're in a room of 160 people and watching Dave Johns make some of the funniest shit I thought I'd ever seen from things that happened in the room. Never once going, I never thought he went off script once. It was just in the room.

And it's the moment I fell in love with stand-up. And it was the start of me going, this is what I want to do. And why I put so much energy into comparing and crowd work because that moment like brilliant comedy well written scripted is incredible but there is something so beautiful about that magic in the room you're talking about someone chipping in you asking a question and then what plays on from there the confidence to to go into the crowd and see what happens and take that risk to have it pay off

and have a crowd get that you took a risk. It's my favourite thing. I love it. Well, Dave, one story about Dave. I was on at the Manchester Comedy Store and before me was a bloke who'd won the gong show the previous week. So he's on doing 10 minutes and he's got a shopping basket

full of shit props, right? It's absolutely terrible. And he's got a little Macintosh coat with apples on it, right? Which is his Apple Mac. That was one of the better ones. And he takes out various little props and he does a joke, terrible joke, and he leaves it on the floor.

So there's tons of these props on the floor. And Dave and me are at the back and Dave's comparing and getting me on next. So I said to Dave, get all that stuff off the stage before you get me on. I don't want to walk on treading about on all these props. So Dave goes on after this bloke has died and spends about 10 minutes slowly kicking the stuff under a curtain so no one can see it. And then when he finished, he went, like it never happened.

And I was at the back guy and that is beautiful it was so beautiful and then he got me on i'm laughing at the back guy and that's lovely dave john's ability to play what i've seen him play rough newcastle gigs and do the most like funny boss i honestly think when people go i love ross noble if you want to see how that ball started rolling look at dave johns playful and creative john fothergill told me a story that they him and uh dave took half a tab of acid one day and went to the museum went to an art gallery just to fill the time right and we're long days before gigs and we're stood we're sat you know in it it's a huge painting

and it's multicoloured and I couldn't tell you the name of the artist, but it was all these brilliant colours and they were on acid, so they were like sat there going, oh, fucking hell, this is mad, isn't it? Just taking it all in. And next to them, looking at the painting, were some Indian ladies in saris, like multicoloured saris, and there was a pause and dave just went all right

girl girls tea breaks over back you go in the painting father gill collapsed laughing he did dave just wanders off just some indian ladies like what that's it that's the inside of his head 24 hours a day that is so creative and beautiful that's why we love it right he's got inside of his head 24 hours a day. That is so creative and beautiful. That's why we love it, right? He's got one of my favourite bits of stand-up ever as well, just because of how ridiculous it is, which is his gold finger bit. Oh, gold finger's great. He just keeps singing.

He only loves gold. Yeah. What about digestive biscuits? Oh, no, hobnobs. Hobnobs. No, only gold. He doesn't love monkeys. Everyone loves monkeys.

But he builds it up so beautifully by doing other... Does he love any other precious metals he loves only gold great he's so quoted as a David yeah as a comic

yeah he's been doing it 110 years as well yeah he really has he erm he was he's so respected amongst comics and I remember watching him

really early on but like I didn't meet early on, but like, I didn't meet him on the night. Like, I think he was just on a bill that I'd gone to see. And I thought he was fucking unbelievable. And he'd done that gold thing a bit. And I was falling apart laughing.

And all I've ever really, like, obviously you want to build a fan base and sell tickets and whatever. The most important thing to me, as I've said before, it's like peer recognition or people who I think are better than me thinking I'm good. And I, what? I just got Dave John bits in my head. He's not listening. or people who I think are better than me thinking I'm good. And I... What?

I've just got Dave John bits in my head. He's not listening to you. I am listening. He's got Burger Boy going on with the... Yeah, yeah, Burger Boy. I remember there was a night at the Laugh-In, which we've definitely spoke about before, that you were comparing

and I was doing an open spot in the middle. Oh, yeah. And he was the closer. And we won't say who the opener was, but the opener had a bit of a stinky one. And then I had a really good set in the middle and it was you and Dave. And both of you were both a bit, just like,

you're going to be a comma. So like, and being sunk or in the middle turn. Yeah. But both of you just coming up to me being like, like sort of talk. Like I remember at one point he had his arm around me and he's like, this, this, this and this.

And Yvonne, his sister at the time, was booking the hyena and he's like, I'm going to get you a weekend of tight, like, shortening. And after that night, I got about seven or eight gigs because both of you had gone, like, this will help this kid out. And I was fucking riding high for about a month. That's one of the best things about being a good comic is good comics never go who's this little cunt that's good i'm gonna squash him

never that doesn't happen no dave johns was amazing with me mick ferry was amazing with you i remember working me as soon as you're a you're up to a standard and you're decent just like you've done with elliot steel yeah exactly although we've always been mates with elliot There was a bit like, it's getting there, it's getting there. And now you're like, no, it's great. And then you're pushing forward. I love seeing that. It's a real circle of life thing in stand-up where good comics go, hey, I'm not throwing my weight around,

but I'll ring a couple of people and just send an email here or there because we all want the bills that we're on to be better. So you drag people up. There's a hundred comics we could go through a list and we'd agree wouldn't we on all of them i would have thought yeah that's good he's good no definitely not no i've never seen them go you know what i mean yeah you know and it's funny bones is what we're talking about it's funny bones he's been able to stand up there and talk shit properly yeah and there's there's people who are good at comedy there's people who are naturally funny and there is people who are and the people we're talking about now are the people who fit

into both because there's so many people i know there's people who've sat on that couch right who i think are absolutely brilliant stand-up comics yeah and they've been absolute dog shits in here like genuinely they've just can't chat away the listeners have just gone didn't didn't really love the guest this week lads but, but still love the podcast, crack on. And there's been other people who've come in who are some of our listeners' favourites sometimes. Like maybe in the top 10, 15 people who we've had on this show who are not great at stand-up. And then they're doing stand-up shows and they're just fine, but they're just naturally funny. And then there's other people who come in and sit on there who absolutely burn clubs down to the

ground and are also loved by our listeners sean walsh one of the best stand-up comedians i love watching him fucking unbelievable mark nelson unbelievable stand-up comic brilliant in here yeah and there's there's not that many people at the very top who are good at both and comedy's changing now and you have to be able to podcast if you want to sell tickets and go on tour and stuff you've got to be able to do this sort of thing because i've started doing the instagram thing and i yeah because you know people i know you need a bit of content didn't you i look after what happened with jeff innocent yeah when i saw you posting i saw you posting i shared a couple of times i think i messaged you to go i love seeing this yeah i love seeing good comics go do you know what i haven I haven't done it, but I reckon I can.

And then just watching your Instagram followers. Mate, Ian's a great follower. It's almost intimidating where you're like, how many bits has he got? How many bits? Like I'm throwing up fucking like crowd work because I'm like, well, I compare, but it's yours, it's stuff and bits.

Yeah, but it's been years. It's been years of working. I mean, you know, yeah's stuff and bits. Yeah, but it's been years. It's been years of working. Ah, the back catalogue. Yeah, back catalogue. Because I remember watching Rich Hall, who I just idolised and has been doing comedy since, I don't know, 1979, and was the inspiration for Moe from The Simpsons.

And I watched him do a gig where he's just messing about and he seems to be jumping about without any plan. And I said to him, do you have a plan before you go on stage? He said, no, I have no idea what I'm going to say, but I've got enough back catalogue that I trust myself to find something. And I thought, I think I'll do that. I'll try that because I've got years of it now.

And that's what you do. And then every show is different and you go in different directions. So you don't have a current starting 11. You have a squad of 90. And you just just go this is what i'm picking out for a yeah yeah yeah i mean well i'm not picking out anything i've got all this stuff in my head and and i'll just start talking and see where it takes me really there's a few topical bits i might want to put in because it's stuff about what's going on now, but most of it is just me chatting away,

and, oh, that reminds me. I mean, it's great. It's nice when you can. I've set myself a rule with club gigs at the minute, because at the minute, I've got, you know, an hour and maybe 20 of stuff that I can do in clubs. Like, if I'm doing clubs at all, I've been on tour for a while, but I'm trying to just dip in every now and then.

I went to London at the weekend because I had the weekend off and just did like 12 sets of Top Secret over the weekend. I will have an idea, like I'm gonna do this bit in this set, but my rule is I never know what I'm gonna open with. I don't pick me opening joke until I- Do you have an opener? Until I start.

Wait, so Adam- In me tour show, Will. But Adam's have an opener? Until I start. Wait, he, so Adam, in my tour show, Will, but Adam doesn't write, his stuff down, doesn't write lists. I, my brain doesn't work like that.

I have to write lists. Otherwise things get forgotten and it's not what I want. And then I go into default mode and I'll do a set order from four months ago. But I have, when I, it doesn't work now. Cause I'm like, cause I've done two tours and

i've put it all on youtube and i've dumped the stuff i'm like a football club who's just been stripped of its whole starting 11 and now i'm buying from league two and it's all 16 year olds but i but i had a start in 11 and every three or four months it would evolve and like an older joke would move out yeah replaced by a younger one and i'd have some reserves who hopefully that's how i worked it and i would always have a starting joke that would be my opening line very often would have a set second line and on a three four five month rotation it would be the same until i wrote something new and went do you know what that's a better opening line.

That thing of like, I don't know what I'll do because it just didn't suit me. I would move around the middle, but I'd always be able to tell you what the last, the first two and the last two were. But every six months, seven, eight months, a year, it would be a different set. Yeah, yeah. Close to.

You're turning it over. Yeah, I turned it over, but it was a slow turn. What you're saying is, I don't see what goes on. That would do my edit. That would affect me feeling relaxed in the dressing room. Not everyone works the same way. No, absolutely. My notes used to be, I used to have the whole show written down word for word,

and the jokes were underlined. So I knew every three lines. If there's not an underlined bit every three lines, I need to tighten it up. Really? Can't be can't be going on too long without a joke because you know i'm not trying i'm not trying to change people's minds i'm not making political statements it's just comedy and i just want jokes every 15 seconds i always have done that's so interesting because at one point right hot water back when they they

didn't even have a purposeful venue at the time but they were starting to become like the big club in liverpool and they started on a comedy course right and paul smith was like teaching it yeah and at one point he i think his missus was like gave early birth or something and he was like i cannot teach this thing and they came to me i'm like will you do it and i was like i don't really feel comfortable doing one of these things and they're like look this is what the money we need someone to do people have paid for if they want to cause like speak to paul and figure out a way so i did it i'm not like proud of the fact that i did it like if i could go back i might make a different decision because i don't necessarily agree with the courses but i think if you do a

comedy course i think it skips maybe like 10 15 gigs of little mistakes you can make yeah and what you've just said about writing everything else i I've never done that. I've never been someone who writes anything out. No, not everyone does it. But when I taught that course, what you do or what you used to do is exactly what I told everyone to do. I said, write everything out word for word and just highlight the bit where you're going to get a laugh

and make sure you've got enough highlighted bits on your piece of paper for you to be like, it's such a good technique. I used to have dot, dot, dot where the pauses were as well. So I knew I had it all written down so I knew how to say it. And, you know, I practice it at home. Kill it in the bathroom, obviously. I've written out, act out in brackets to just make sure that I'm like,

but it never suited, that right now verbatim never suited me yeah no but now now i just talk about the thing in a notebook and that'll be a five minute bit because i just because it because i'll remember what i'm talking about but that's 30 years in i'm bullet point i'm bullet points now but i have to write the bullet points down otherwise it's just a fucking tumble dryer in my head every gig like i wish i had my notepad to whip out from last night's new material i just did bullet points and it helps me go on with a bit of control i don't write anything out fully but i am the master it looks like a shopping list constant lists if you go through my notebook and go dan's in his notebook all the time you'll never see a joke right now

you will see just list after list after list, it's bullet points and it helps me organise, Adam doesn't write anything down, I'd be like oh god where is it I'd have to, I don't know it's just whatever works. Everyone works in a different way Nick Helm starts from a costume, he buys a costume and then he works out from that

I mean how mad is that it's ridiculous, he found a Superman costume and he wrote a whole show based around that I mean, mad is that it's ridiculous he found a superman costume and he wrote a whole show based around that i mean it's you know whether it works or not but it's a different way of working right by the way i'm not crowd we're coming way into a bit i'm i'm going on stage and just going hey what's happening you know it's good to be here i'm adam and then i'm going to be playing right where we start yeah just just there yeah i'll just decide beautiful beautiful by the way let me just say this if you are brand new at comedy and you're listening to us trying to learn how to do it

i'd suggest avoiding that for about five or six years i would say you will you'll be staring into the abyss of nothing in your head pretty fucking quick yeah there's nothing wrong with trying to do details and if you find it constricting then move away from it i i compare once in a while i compare the gong show at the store in london and i don't do it too often because it i it brings out a side of me i don't like if i'm telling you do you i fucking love it well i do as well but i but i i like it a bit too much to be honest with you don the owner he said to me you like doing the show don't you i said a little too much he goes be honest with you. Don, the owner, he said to me, you like doing the show, don't you? I said, a little too much. He goes, yeah, it's like cocaine, isn't it?

Sort of addictive. I thought it is a little bit. Because before you go on, he says to you, don't forget, Stoney, be a cunt. I go, okay. Because then I'm in that right mood to make sure that I'm being. I say to people, look, give them a go. Let them have a minute. But then after that,

get them off because... We used to do 30 acts on. 35. I got through 35 in under two hours. You can't be too supportive on the night where it's 35. Well, it doesn't work.

I've seen loads of new act nights where everyone does five minutes and it's sort of mediocre at best. You go, oh, I like number four. He was all right. Whereas if you can go and boo at someone

and get... No, and you know what's interesting to me? What's interesting to me is that people who don't like that sort of vibe go, oh, I don't think I'd like that. Oh, I don't, I wouldn't want to see that. And then 4X in, they're going, get off the stage.

This is my life you're wasting here. It's mob mentality though, isn't it? It's literal, like the ping-pong at the store is such a perfect example of mob mentality. Because you see people like, when you start the show, you can talk to people on the front row and they're a bit shy. They're like, yeah, I'm Emma.

I work in HR. Like she's really quiet. And then literally like a few acts in, she's had one more drink. She's like, shite! It's so funny to watch how it turns. It's brilliant. It's absolutely brilliant.

And it is one of my favorite shows to watch. I just, I don't want to compare it too often. like i say i just think oh god i've really i've been quite nasty like there's what was the woman sophie hagan sophie hagan yeah we do she did a terrible bit i mean i mean she said this to me she did a terrible you know it's like when you find tennis balls in your shoes some shit like that right and uh and she got booed off and i and i then did two minutes on tennis balls in your shoes and oh we know we all know exactly what that's like didn't we yeah i found somebody the other day she said i never did that bit again and i thought yeah fair enough it was good and it

was and i i did the right thing but i'm just saying it there's a certain points when i think shut up stoney stop it now stop it but that's, isn't it? It's kind of the job. They're asking you to do it. It is. No, they are. They are. Going down, going to see those shows, the gong shows and whatnot, it's one of them.

I can watch a circuit, Bill. It's not that it's boring, but it's all very controlled. It's well done. Everyone knows what they're doing. Yeah, everyone knows what they're doing. Yeah. There's something so exciting about watching people. Primal, visceral, those are the words.

A well-lit mental breakdown, as I've called it many a time. And then just some gems where you're like, holy shit, that's an amazing bit. That's the point. I remember comparing one show and it was just a parade of shit like you've never believed, right? People are serious. Mental health issues, God the fuck.

Tennis balls and shoes. Tennis balls and shoes. And then one bloke went on, and I can't remember who it was, and he went, I went to the London Aquarium today and there's signs in braille. He said,

I mean, surely it's not just me who thinks that an aquarium is essentially a visual experience. And everyone laughed and everyone sat back and I thought, that is a proper joke. There it is.

And it was almost the first one we'd heard in about an hour and a half. But everyone relaxed. It was beautiful. He still got booed off after three and a half minutes. He didn't have another. Sadly. There's a really good Bo Bannon joke about that on one of his specials, which was, do you think there's anywhere in the

world where there's a braille sign for do not touch? What a joke. What a joke, innit? Oh, it's one of those those I'm not even laughing I'm just I had I'm not see that like when I watch Messi's free kick going in the 3-0 bars a game against Liverpool you just like I'm not like enjoying that really but fuck me yeah well you can enjoy it more cuz you got four in a second yeah I can watch it now I'm gonna go lovely well done the flex leg yeah I can watch it now and go what a goal lovely well done

the flex off Gomez's shoulder does it I didn't even notice that can I just say I'm giving that I'm giving that a screech it felt like we all just went

yeah footy it does it does happen though doesn't it I mean I got given a croissant this morning

in Euston station by a bloke who loves my Arsenal podcast I mean I said to him I said can I have an almond croissant and he in Euston Station by a bloke who loves my Arsenal podcast. I said to him, I said, can I have an almond croissant? And he went, you're Stoney, isn't he, of Handbrake, the Arsenal? And I went, yeah. And he says, it's on me, almond croissant.

I was in Pogues a few weeks ago, and I think it was with you, and you went, is that your mate Ian Stone? And I was like, ah! It was a quality moment. I just didn't know what was going on. It was just Ian Stone on the TV in the pub yeah

it gets absolutely massive viewing figures because they leave it on in the pub after the football that's the only reason alright nobody actually watches it

it's the most seen and least watched show in the world but it's on in all the pubs after the games and they leave it on so that's how it works I've done it a few times

if you don't know what we're talking about it's called The Football's On. It's on, is it TNT Sports now? Yeah, TNT Sports, yeah. Formerly BT Sport, now on TNT. And it's essentially a video football podcast,

essentially, that goes on the TV. Only not as high production values. Essentially, but yeah. But it's really fun to do. I've done it a few times. And yeah, I've been on in the pub and my episode just comes on. Oh, well, the fact,

because we filmed it at home for a year or a year when the lockdown was happening. And Alexander, my son, was in the pub with his mates in Glasgow. And his mate said to him, isn't that your dad on the telly? And he went, not only is that my dad, that's my bedroom.

I used to have to kick him out of bed to set up so we could film the show filming in your bedroom um the setup wasn't right in my bedroom sorry what do you want me to say oh the chains used to get in the way no no no no i've been my missus 40 years it's all very nice we don't get up to any of that sort of stuff. Yeah. Break time. Yeah, let's have a break.

Final section of the show. Ian's still with us. You were talking to Dan about your love of clubbing before we started recording. We've got a mutual friend, don't we? Jeff Norcott. Jeff Norcott. A big pal of yours. Yeah.

Like clubs or seals? Both. Not at the same time. Yeah. It ruins the high. Tell you what, that is a fucking marriage made in hell that's waiting to happen.

By the way, that would be a popular gaffe. Seal nightclubbing. Seal clubbing while you're clubbing. Yeah. Yeah. No, I'm generally,

I'm a bit too loved up. I'm not sure I can really club a seal in that situation. Or any situation. And the only music you can really club a seal in that situation. Or any situation. And the only music you play is club mixes of seal? Seal, yeah. Wow.

Oh, too much. Putt and pendant. Is that what I mean by meta? When you're at, oh yeah. No, I went out, no, we were just talking before we came on

about Jeff Norcock, mutual mate. He got me into it when I was about, I don't know, 40. He said to me what you do i was coming back from a junglers christmas show in portsmouth one of the worst nights of my life

and he goes what are you doing i said i've just left portsmouth i'm on the train he said get to london waterloo come and meet me at turnbills and we'll go out me and my missus and you and i went okay and we went out and it was the first time i'd ever done it clubbing clubbing or any of the old drugs i was 40 well i mean i mean i think i'm actually glad because if i would have started when i was 21 i'd be dead i mean i think i might be so i was and we went out and we had the best night genuinely the best night sorry for asking the question why had you never been clubbing it wasn't uh i was never my thing i don't know you've never been clubbing? It wasn't, I was never my thing. I don't know.

You've never been clubbing. That clubbing. What? Taking pills and going to raves. That's not clubbing. Yes, it is. When people say clubbing, they don't mean just getting bevied and going down the club

and listening to Mambo No. 5. This clubbing is a very specific. He's been to nightclubs with booze before. That's raves, isn't it? No, it's what's called clubbing's called yeah it's nearer to raves yeah but it gets when people go if i said to him come to club bring the garris he'd be like what when people say have you been clubbing they're not saying have you been down fucking like i don't know even know what the night the disco i'm just fucking two-stepping with two blue wickets yeah

it's dark there's a bit of smoke yeah i used to go to discos when I was 16 or 17 in the centre of London, right? Yeah. Listen to Sylvester and Cuba by the Gibson Brothers and Eye to Eye Contact and beautiful shit like that. Old soul stuff. But this was... So you mean this is techno music and pills?

This is getting fucked up and doof, doof. Right, okay, okay. Basically, that's what it is. Bit of doof, doof. And I do love it. Genuinely do. And we did do a trance one about about six months ago and that was a little bit much too fast it's too much it was like it was seven hours of it and it and there's no real variation at all and and even if you are fucked up it's just not i don't think i want to do anything for seven hours for seven hours apart from sitting in the pub.

You didn't like 20 minutes of the rave at the end of Dandec. It's shite. But if you had ecstasy in your system, that seven hours is very different. It's a different vibe. I can totally imagine that the drugs heighten it, but if you judge it soberly, purely on the music, it's shite, innit?

It's the same song for six hours. And it's not a song, is it? It's just electronic bleeps and blops. Just put in noise. Yeah, of course. But you've not done the thing that's designed to make it good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now you've got to do that. Also, you've got to have earplugs as well. The people that like it though.

I've got these special German earplugs that cost me 30 quid a pair. And they're fantastic. You can still have normal conversations with people, but you don't have the ringers. You're like little ear defenders. Oh, the little filter ones. Yeah, they're little plastic things.

I mean, they're lovely. They're really good. Now, Ian, this is going to sound patronising. I'm 43. I'm middle-aged myself. So there's day raves. Now, Ian, this is going to sound patronising. I'm 43. I'm middle-aged myself. So there's day raves. I used to go to Sanky's and Club V,

but that was literally, you didn't go till 11 or midnight. And it was, you were out till five and then you go to an after party till Tuesday. But now there's day raves. That's what we do. That's what we did last Sunday. Nice. What's the age of the,o? What's the average age? I wasn't the oldest.

Let me tell you that. I wasn't. There were a couple of people there who were older than me. And that is very encouraging to me. But I still get people coming up to me and looking at me and shaking my hand like, you give us hope, mate. You give us hope. If you can, we still can.

You survived the war and now you're clubbing. Well done. I'm like, mate, you've got to do the Pilates as well. Otherwise, you won't be able to manage it. But yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm 61 now and I still love going. And why the fuck not? That's fucking great.

Why the fuck not? I mean, genuinely, I do love it. But day raves is better. I'm starting at midday, finishing by eight, back to someone's house for a couple of hours, home for a match of the day. It really works beautifully. When I'm 80 or something,

I really think I'll probably start about nine in the morning, finish by about two in the afternoon, early night, early night. I mean, why not if you love it? I mean, I've got mates, my Jewish mates are like, oh, it's too noisy. Is there anywhere to sit? That's me.

Not just Jewish mates. But for me, I'm happy when I'm there. I'm happy. But you have to have the child face. Now, you're 61 years old. What's the frequency that you can go clubbing? What are we talking about?

You can't be doing this every fucking weekend. No. No. It's about four or five times a year now. Nice. Yeah, which is enough. Every couple of months, we all get together. There's about 25 of us.

We all meet up for cocktails at lunchtime, have lunch, have a little bit of, you know, you know what, and then we're out in the afternoon. And this is still Jeff and his missus? Jeff and various other people. We have the best time. Genuinely. And there are people there who are worth quite a lot of money.

There's a GP comes along. There's all sorts. I want a GP. Oh my God. Is he on the job? She, she, she,

she's on call. She's on call. A medical professional in your rec head group. Yeah. What a fucking dream. Isn't it beautiful? Well, I mean,

listen, I play five a side on a Monday night in what I call the fat Jew game, right? Well, one of the thinner ones. And, and we've got two heart surgeons. We had a bloke who had a heart attack the other year,

and we had a couple of heart surgeons and a couple of consultants who saved his life. So thank Evans for that. But yeah, still play football, still go out. Why not? Why not if you can? Here's my question. I'm not diminishing your experience.

I know you love it. I know it's been your thing as well in the past and the present and the future. Here's my question. If you need substances to make it good is it inherently good because i don't need fucking guinness drinking row would you sit i don't need any drugs to make guinness good no you don't but would you sit in fucking pogues on a sunny afternoon two and then stay till one two in the morning if you didn't have the booze in you. Come on. You must be able to empathise.

You said to me you wouldn't be able to. You don't go to the pub. You could go to the pub with a Diet Coke. You'd last two hours. As if people got pissed around. It's a substance that helps a thing. And that's the same with clubbing. But is the music shit then?

Do you have to put ear defenders on? You don't like the music. It's loud. I mean, that's why the ear defenders. But also, I like the music. I like the music. Yeah, have to put ear defenders you don't like the music it's loud i mean that's why the ear defenders but also i like the music i like the music yeah i'm the same so i don't i'm not a massive fan of country music on your all day for charity i will be bevved up and i'll have a better time like but i i listen to techno and the dance music i used to listen to in the car like i like it so imagine that if you say, imagine. Wild experience.

I mean, I know. Make country music on pills. Oh my God. You'd be like Teddy swims and Joey swoles. And you'd honestly. Do you like country music? Yeah. Do you?

I don't listen to anything else. I've never, I've never really got into country music. I'll be honest with you. You're not taking the right drugs? No. What drugs would you use to country music? Ketamine. Adam Rowe, Pilled Up. Listen to that. I fucked my truck.

I fucked my sister. I clubbed her seal to death. You'd love it. I know that track. That sounds good. It's class. Banging. Can I come? Can I come on an away day? What, next time? I know it's Of course you can.

Oh, my God. Of course it's open to anyone who's open-minded and happy to listen to that shit. Oh, my God. Sounds like a swingers club. I hope I'm in my 60s. It does sound a little bit like a swingers. Yeah.

It was just me, Geoff and his missus. We have to be open-minded. We all put our pills in the middle of a bowl in the middle. To be in your 60s and still doing fun shit, oh, that's the goal, isn't it? You don't want to just stop. That's why anything I do which is trying to keep me fit is so I can behave like a teenager for as long as I possibly can, right?

That's the point. If my social life is exactly as it is now when I'm in my 60s, I'll be fucking delighted. Yeah. I think I'm getting a better social life now than I was when I was, whatever, 30-something. I'm in my 60s I'll be fucking delighted yeah I'm getting I think it's I'm getting a better social life now than I was when I was whatever 30 something

I'm having more fun now I genuinely because you can go out with your kids because I well I did actually go clubbing with the kids at Glastonbury

and we we took some bits and pieces yeah that's frowned on with me because they're 3 and 7 they're only 7 and 4 but they're very advanced

thank you I was going to say I'm here all week but I'm going home in a bit but Listen, they're only seven and four, but they're very advanced. Thank you. I was going to say I'm here all week, but I'm going home in a bit. But we went out, we had a bit of fun. I mean, getting your child to go, do you want another half, Dad? That's all right, isn't it? I think, really. So, no, that's what I'm... I'm just trying to have fun as long as possible.

Now, listen, we've talked about all that good feeling and loved upness, but it doesn't suit us as a podcast to a point. So we're going to be doing Room 102. Room 102. If you want to do a jingle for us, this is a great time to whip one together. Send it in to havewordpod at gmail.com.

Ian, have you got anything that is fucking chafing your tits now or in the last half an hour or i mean it's because what have you got to go in room 102 we were talking about music and i was like you know you'd say in the music shite of raves i can i watch eurovision on Saturday night? Oh, yes. And I fucking hated it. You put Eurovision in? Well, you've got to win us over because we've got to vote for this. You've got to win us over and he is a huge Eurovision fan.

Listen. Well, you're wrong. I'd say quite comfortably I'm the biggest music fan in the room other than I don't know about you, but out of us five, I listen to music the most and I love Eurovision. Yeah, but how can you love it? Because the music is the worst.

I genuinely think they should stop people on the continent having musical instruments. I genuinely think the customs should go, is that a tuba in your bag or whatever the fuck? The music is awful. It's like 25 people trying to do a shit impression of Lady Gaga, one after another. I quite like her, but Eurovision does my fucking nut in.

I watched it the other day with the family. I had to leave the room after four or five songs. Have a pill. Watch Eurovision. You've got a completely different experience there. It's a possibility, but I just think it's awful. I don't care. Listen, the equality stuff, great.

Good on you. I'm happy for you. But the music, I mean, I love my music. I'm like, I've written a book about the jam. I fucking love my music. I've grown up, I've been to gigs all my life, and that is not music. I don't know what it is.

Euro pop shit. It is interesting that you like it. I like it for the same reason you watch a shit film and you just turn your brain off for a couple of hours and go, I'm just going to immerse myself in this, just switch off and enjoy it and not think about it too much. So when I'm watching Eurovision, I'm watching it. Hang on a minute.

Are you potted when you're watching Eurovision? Yeah. I have been the past few years. Oh, it doesn't count then. You're just getting fucking potted when you're watching Eurovision? Yeah. I have been the past few years. Oh, it doesn't count then. You're just getting fucking potted. I've been pissed as well. I've been pissed as well. And you can get on it.

It's the same level. Is it being enhanced by the drugs? I have watched it before. I enjoy it. Yeah. But I enjoy it in the same way that I enjoy any sort of competition-based thing. I like watching The X Factor. And I'm not saying they're good musicians

or they're good singers. I just like watching the thing. And it's so spectacular. And I also think, obviously, things have changed a lot now. But back when Eurovision started, that was all the gays had. You know what I mean?

It's nice that they had something for so long. Well, it's all they had. There's a bit of shit. They had that and bumming and that was it. And they couldn't do that on TV? No. How is the music the weakest part of Eurovision? Fact.

Well, it is, though. The music isn't great. There is the odd gem. No, there isn't. There is. No, there isn't. There is the odd gem. Name one.

Euphoria by Lorenraine from 2013. Absolute banger. Anyone know this tune? Anyone know Euphoria? Oh, it's going to be my first answer. You heard it, didn't you? Euphoria. Forever to the end of time.

Oh, that one. Oh, that was all right. That's a little true. No, that's all right. What a gem. I wouldn't say gem. That's the odd gem. But you're watching it for all of it.

When they go over to the people. And they're all being bitchy about the countries they ate. And they're like, no puns for you. It's also doing the shit jokes of going like, hey, it's been great hosting in Sweden tonight. I hope you have too much fun. And they're just not doing jokes. They're trying for a joke and they're kind of missing it.'s like it's like karaoke but writ large in my opinion and i just

can't have it i don't like karaoke no i've never done karaoke in my life and i don't intend to and i find it upsetting to watch people do it as well maybe you'll try that at 70 and that'll be the next 30 years you're like maybe there's a group of 25 of us we've got an oncologist we get together i'll come back in 20 years' time. Oh, yeah, I've opened up my own karaoke bar. It's brilliant. But right now, I just find it upsetting. And then all the stuff on top of it.

There was a lot of political shit this year that I didn't really like much. And I just find it all a bit much. So I would like it to go into room 102 or whatever it is. Can I say this isn't looking good for you, Finny. Well,

I'm voting against it. What? What do you mean, why? Because it's fun. Oh, stop it. There's a lot of things

that can be fun. We need more fun in the world. We need more fun and more gays and that's what I think. I'm not saying it's against the gays.

You understand that? It sounds like homophobia here. We're not putting the gays in room 102. No, it's not. Just your division, not the gays. You understand that? It's not the gays. We're not putting the gays in room 102. No, it's not. Just your revision, not the gays. Just the whole concept of it. You are going to put a lot of gays in with it. Do you know what I mean?

Like, are we throwing the baby out of the bathwater? It's their fault for having shit-tasting music. It's going. It's three to two. Thank you. Your revision, you're gone. Thank you. Bye.

Have you the same. So would karaoke be in for you as well then yeah in a hob with the right people love karaoke well good on you i'm glad you get some enjoyment out of it we're doing karaoke there's the chinese gone we are i've upset the chinese the chinese love karaoke. It's Japanese, though, isn't it? Is it?

Yeah. Oh, yeah, it means awkward, empty choir. But the Chinese do love it. Yeah, everyone loves it. It's great. I like it with the right people. And I have to be drunk. Yeah, I like it with the Chinese.

I like a sing-along with the actual artists. We saw Diana Ross at Glastonbury the other year. She couldn't sing a note. No. And we're like, you're all right, love. We've we've got it we know the words you just twirl about she was she was like 81 at that point yeah she doesn't have a voice but we know all the words that was fine same with maca you can barely sing anymore maca's the same right but not in a bar when the words please don't do that you know i'm telling you right now you're not having karaoke off me

i've got a couple of bangers that are my, like, fuck. Have you? I've got a song that is basically my closer. The Killers? Yeah. I've got, like, I know this one. It's in my range. What one do you do again?

When You Were Young by The Killers. And it's, like, I'll do other ones, and it's never as good. But it's, I, once in a while, there was a night where me and Stee ended up on what street? Woody's. They went Woody's. And it was a night where me and Steve ended up on what street Woody's and it was just me and him and everyone and like someone had been too pissed and someone had to go home it was just a really unlikely likely drinking partnership of me and the business manager from the podcast and we had such a fucking good night and he whipped out Prince Ali from Aladdin and yeah I've seen him do it before.

It makes me so fucking happy. Watch him not sing it well on purpose and everyone in the room go fucking mental because it's a Disney classic that no one overdoes. Those moments make me love karaoke. Like unlikely hero moments. He makes a decent case. Listen, karaoke wasn't part of this.

It wasn't. No. Just Eurovision feels like sort of a giant karaoke. But when it's your dad's mate doing my way, you're like, oh, just fuck off, Jeff. Yeah. It's boring. My dad's mate doesn't do that.

I took you to the other one in Motel. Yeah. Fucking triads, mate. But it's a... I think that's somewhere in between for you. It's a live band doing the songs. Yeah. And then people sing up... You do karaoke you. It's a live band doing the songs. Yeah. And then people sing up.

You do karaoke, but it's a live band. So the lead singer, it's a band without a lead singer, and people can get up and be the lead singer. That's a little bit more acceptable. I did that in New York last week. I won't do it over here, because I know this is maybe whatever. I don't want someone to recognize me and think,

there's that comedian looking for attention. Fuck him i do but in in brooklyn in brooklyn i was like no none of these know me i would do that that's different i would give that a go i'll do teenage kicks or something by the jam i absolutely would but that's that doesn't feel like how into the jam were you because apparently you were like did you follow them round like a season ticket I saw them 35 times in a couple of years fucking hell and I went all over they weren't even together

that long all over I know I was packing them out I was going to see 10 shows 15 shows on each tour I absolutely loved them

John Weller Paul's dad made me a cup of tea which is one more cup of tea my old man never made me by the way

my old man never made me a cup of tea but I was outside the Rainbow Theatre about 4 o'clock in the afternoon and John Weller Paul's dad pops out and he goes yeah right lads do made me a cup of tea, but I was outside the Rainbow Theatre about four o'clock in the afternoon, and John Weller, Paul's

dad, pops out, and he goes, do you want a cup of tea? It's a bit cold. Come in. And we watched the sound check. Because you were queuing to be at the Barrier. We were queuing to get in, but he invited us in like two hours early. We watched the sound check, so the boys just walk out. What year were you talking? 74?

Yeah, 1979, 1980. Oh, right, nice. 1980. And yeah, I loved him. I absolutely loved him. Followed him all around the country. Of course I did, yeah.

Paul Weller. I had lunch with him about two years ago because he read my book and we had lunch. Fuck off. He phoned me up. He read the book.

He phoned me up and he goes, hello Ian, it's Paul Weller. And I wanted to go, I know. But I thought I'd be all in suit here. I went,

oh, hey Paul, like he rings every day. And the first thing he says, I really like your book. I'd be all insatiate. I went, oh, hey, Paul, like he rings every day. And the first thing he says, I really like your book. I'd forgotten how shit it was in the 70s. And I went, can I use that as a quote on the front cover? And he went, yeah. And then we had a bite to eat. I mean, it was mad. It's absolutely best.

The Modfather. The Modfather. He had an album out about 20 years ago. He what? He had a live album out about 20 years ago. I haven't followed so much of his career since the jam. Like, he's kept as cool as Paul Weller, hasn't he? Still wears the same clothes.

He's still going. He's still got his voice. His voice is exactly the same as it was in the 70s. I think his voice has got better, actually, because when it started with the jam, he was a bit raw. But I just, of course, everyone respects him. And just to sit opposite him and him going so what's it like

doing stand up comedy like this is weird so your biggest would you apart from maybe some Arsenal players is that who you've got as your

but Paul Weller at the time and there's that thing of like don't meet your heroes but it turns out he's a good pint like I say Weller was really nice to me

and Ian Wright I spent five years doing a radio show with him and he was brilliant. And I don't believe, don't be heroes, it's bollocks. Meet him. Meet him. Of course you should meet him, because, I mean,

the first week I was working with Wrighty, I honestly was sat opposite him going, oh, my God, it's Ian Wright. And then about eight weeks in, he said to me, what are you doing tonight? This is on a Saturday afternoon at Absolute Radio in London. I said, I'm doing the store. I'm doing the comedy store. And he went, I'll come down. And then he watched me do my thing and then it was more of a sort of

equal, you know. Oh, you want that, don't you? Did you smash it? I killed it. I mean, first ten minutes, I absolutely nailed it. I'm comparing and he was so excited. And I thought, oh, right, he likes what I do. I mean, it's cool, right? It's cool. So, yeah, yeah, absolutely meet your heroes.

Weller and Wrighty would be the ones. There's a lad Liverpool have got. He was on loan at the minute. I won't name him because he listens to the podcast. I don't know whether he'll want this, like whatever. He's on loan at the minute. He's a goalkeeper. And he came to one of my tour shows

and his auntie works at the theatre and goes, my nephew's here. He's a footballer and he'd like to meet you, can you come backstage? He's only a young lad, come backstage. And he's like,

yeah, I'm a really big fan of the podcast and you stand up and everything and he goes, half the Liverpool team, he's like, they listen to have a word. He's like,

because it's like risky and that they can't be like tweeting about it and stuff. Can I say something to them? Carbites are gobshites. Carbites are gobshites. Copites are gobshites. And just knowing that is just like the sickest thing in the world. There's Liverpool players like before the game listening to this shit.

Cody Gakpo is a lid. There you go. That's a song. You've got to try and speculate which one's there. I think Firmino was a fan. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Right. Let's do a half was a fan? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Right, let's do a have a word and get the fuck out of here.

All right. There is a jingle going on that you can't hear. Okay. Okay. Oh, I heard this one for a while. You can all hear it, but I can't. Lads, this is from Kieran. Lads, I need you to have a word with my mate, Connor.

He plays five-a-side, and we just found out that he sends an extensively written match report and player ratings to everyone who played after each game. He even said that when he gets subbed off, he goes straight to his phone to note down key moments so he can write it up that night. I think it's gimpy as fuck. Will you please have a word?

What's the start of that again? What's he doing? He's playing five-a-ide and then he's writing reports about the other players and sending them to them. Like, Adam, you had a six out of ten. You done well here.

You did bad here. I like that. I'd love to read that. I wouldn't want to do it, but I'd love to get one. Do you know what? This is the type of thing. Do you know in like

a group of lads, right, if someone did this, like, imagine our, I'm talking our group of lads from school who we used to play with every like Thursday night. Imagine one of us did this, like, imagine our, I'm talking our group of lads from school who we used to play with every, like, Thursday night. Imagine one of us did this.

Imagine, like, Booth did this, right? And put it in, like, the footy chat and was like, here's your report for this week. The first moment I fell into the group chat, the joy I'd experience of watching the fucking animals we went to school with. Annihilate. Absolutely annihilate this tit for doing that.

I'd enjoy it. I'd enjoy it because it's so gimpy. Imagine if someone did this as a comedian coming up and started getting on bills and was like, you know what? I've been on the bill. All my mates are on the bill. I'll write a review of everyone and post it.

I had to write a show report. Yeah, but you weren't on the stage. No, but it's a weird thing to do, especially when people are your friends and you have to write an honest show report about them. It's weird. I mean, I like the idea of this person doing this. It's cute.

Because I think it's really sweet. But my dad used to manage the team that I played for in some Jewish Sunday league. And he made me player of the year in front of everyone. I was like 22. And he walked into the dressing room. He goes, player of the year this year is Ian. And the whole team went, fuck off.

And he went, no, no, he's played really well. And I'm sitting there thinking, please stop. So yeah. Is there a Jewish Sunday league? Yeah, of course there is yeah right yeah what about it no training on saturday no just what when i played when i played originally i was still wearing a skull cap and we had to wear no no when i was like and we had to wear had to have an elastic band to keep it on right and the players in the opposing team would come

up at corners and ping the elastic band just before a corner came up. Are you bullshitting? No. Did everyone have to wear a yarmulke? Had to wear a little yarmulke, yeah, yeah, yeah. Did the goalkeeper wear that? Yeah, everyone wore it. Worth it just for that.

Just for that. And with that, ladies and gents, that has been a fucking belter. Thank you, Ian Stone. Where can we find you on socials? Ian Stone, what is it he's still comic comedy yeah on instagram and tiktok and i'm doing a tour in the autumn oh god just come and see him comedian diane stone comedy on instagram and stone comedian.co.uk is the website for tickets. For tickets in the autumn. It's my first tour and I'm excited. You should be.

I'm excited. Hundreds of thousands of views on these clips. Yeah, people are enjoying them, so hopefully people will come to the shows and it'll be great to see them. Good luck, man. It's great to hear. Thanks, man.

Thanks for having me on. Is that all there is, babe? Yeah, we've got a song. Oh, here we go. This better be by fucking Paul Weller. It's not by Paul Weller. It's by Craig Lee and the Humble Bees. This is their new tune, Chessboard

Moves. We played them before. Craig Lee and the Humble Bees? Yeah. Please do it in your band thing. What's it called? Chessboard Moves. We are Craig Lee and the Humble Bees. This is our first single. Chessboard Moves. No, it's good though. I've listened to it. It's a fucking great tune. We do this every week

We can't Love you Love you lads See ya There's chessboard moves And vicious moves Left on us short But that's not news

I see this life As war is strife We find your feet In the shifting sands you might rise, I might fall is that what we're waiting for turn the page, slam the door

if it's the end there's nothing more ooh you missed the part I will be here next time ooh cause now this life, now I've lost your life I'm making my way back home The next time you need me, well I won't be there

The next time you want me, I'll be anywhere The way you want me to be The next time you need me, I'll be anywhere The way you want me to be The next time you need me, well, I won't be there The next time you want me, I'll be anywhere The way you want me You want me to be You're glad in your fancy, but I'm not a tree Been waiting for this moment, but it's bittersweet for me

The shot of expectations Even for a four-by-five I never got your confirmation But I never found out why If I say, I stall You're never gonna be The one I call break the chain Learn to score

If it's the end There's nothing new And it's the bad time of being left side Cause all this life I've lost your lifetime I'm making my way. The next time you need me, I'll be anywhere. The next time you want me, I'll be anywhere. The way you want me to be.

The next time you need me, I'll be anywhere. The way you next time. guitar solo A true destination Are you Running away Solve it for your actions Are you likely To be Way back to you I'm not today

Cause when we'll see you back here someday I bet we'll see you back here someday We'll see you back here someday.