Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #278 with TommyInnit - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: May 26, 2024

Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan Nightingale & Fiends Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.ukComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Support our cycle across India for Zoe's Place:https://cycle4zoes.enthuse.com/pf/finnlay-kulavuzGet subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsCheck out Finn's music: https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Tickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening lads, before we kick off this week's public episode, it's time to tell you about our Patreon page, patreon.com slash have a word pod. It is the biggest Patreon in the UK and for good reason because you get so much stuff, starting from just £3 a month going all the way up to a tenner. And if you go to the £10 tier, you get two free posters sent to you when you sign up. The £3, though, from the baseline Patreon membership, you get all the extra content, which includes early access to the video version of these public episodes. And you get an extra bonus episode every single week.

And on top of that, we give you a Patreon special every month. And as soon as you sign up, you get access to the entire back catalogue of all the episodes and all those specials,

which includes... We've got the lock-ins. We've been to Nashville. We've been to Amsterdam. We've done ghost hunts. We've done a car track special. Oh, it's been amazing. We've got 40 of these things.

The back catalogue is unreal. You sign up from £3 a month and you get hours and hours, hundreds of hours of content. We've got a really big Patreon special coming up at the end of the year. We're going to India to raise money for Zoe's Place Baby Hospice,

who do some absolutely incredible work for really sick children and their families, making it as comfortable as they can possibly be when they're going through the most unimaginable pain.

Zoe's Place, an unbelievable charity I've supported since I was at school, so has Carl, and now the podcast is helping to raise money by going to India

and cycling 450 kilometers. Now, we're all doing separate fundraising for this, but what we've done is we've put Finn's donation link in the bio of this episode. Go and donate to Finn's page for us if you would like to get involved. Appreciate it. And on top of that, all of our links

in our social media bios, but go and give Finn some of your money if you're looking to donate to someone today and look forward to the end of the year and the start of next year when all the content from the biggest thing we've ever done will be going out. And before that, we've got some banging specials coming up.

You do not want to not be a patron over the next few months. Sign up. Enjoy the episode. Patreon.com slash have a word pod. Three quid access to more stuff than you can shake a stick at. Wag wag leads, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game from the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn.

This is the one and only Have A Word. Brought to you by Manscaped, the very best products on the market for below the waist grooming. Go Ed, get on me. Do you know when you realised recently The very best products on the market for below the waist grooming. Go, Ed. Get on me. Did you only realize recently that menopause is like a contraction of menstrual pause? Is it?

Yeah. It's the pausing of the menstruation. Well, I learned something called the perimenopause, which is like a... Spicy. Getting on those. Yeah, nice. Peri-perimenopause. That's like a... Spicy. Yeah, nice. Perimenopause. It's like a little build-up,

and you get a little teaser of what's coming. This is really sexist, but menstruation is a contraction because men get frustrated with it. Genuinely. Isn't that really awful? Being hysterical is women going crazy because of their...

Because of how funny men are. Their womb area. That's why it's a history. That last one can't be... Right. Menstruation is because it frustrated men because women were acting hormonal when they were... Oh, you're menstruating, are you?

You're menstruating us as well. Wow. It's disgusting. We love women, by the way. Well, welcome to the podcast, everyone. Guess what we were chatting about before we started recording? Women police officers? Politics.

Nice to see you, everyone. How are we? You all right? You're cold plunged. I'm absolutely cold plunged. Have you twatted it? Have you ejaculated? Twatted it.

When? Since? This morning? Yeah. No, last night. I like that shirt. I'm going on some of Holly Bob's. When? Since? This morning? Yeah. No, last night. I like that shirt. I'm going on some of Holly Bob's.

I bought this in Zara. It was out. I whipped it on. As I put it on, I went, this is not going to go unnoticed. So well done. Thank you for affirming my knowledge of you. Judging fashion face is great.

I don't know if anyone's ever noticed it. It is the thing with it, is like, I'm glad you're branching out. Right? I'll say that first of all. Right. Have you bought this for your summer holly bobs?

Yeah, it's a loose shirt. It's actually, this is like probably last day of the holiday loose because it's a bit bigger and I'm expecting. What? You're like a big tree. What do you mean?

You're branching out, aren't you? Nice. Nice. Me, me, me, I wasn't expecting a joke. I was expecting to be cunted off.

Are you a sweaty man? Uh, I have been known to warm up a little bit. Because there isn't a single coloured, a single colour of clothing worse for sweaty men

than a sort of this shade of grey. I sweat from my face. I want Botox on my foot. This is a winter colour. Is it? Well, it's going to be worn in Tenerife. You are going to...

Not in the day. I'm going to go evening. Is that okay with you? Look, I'm not... A cool breeze off the Arctic. I'm all for it. I think it's a nice shirt, you know? It doesn't.

Yeah, we were wearing... Some people were wearing shirts at the night time last year when we went and that was around the same time on it, Tenerife. If I start sweating, I'll take pictures of the patches and send it to you. No, it's me and Loz in it.

We're just going, we're going for a line down. Do you want a short moonlight bar? Some sex. Do you want a short sleeve shirt? You know what I mean? You're going to have sex? We've been hyping it up

I'm like When we get to Tenerife She's like Yeah Put the over under At Holiday Bonks At two Yeah

Oh yeah How many days Five nights Five Two is pathetic I know But I'm going for two If you hit three

It should be like seven I'll stick it on my Instagram stories Are you taking your pills It should be bare Minim, that shouldn't it? The first thing I do in a hotel is have sex, whether it's with myself or with my beautiful fiance. Right, or with the bellboy. No.

No. I'm always there so I can be with myself. Right. Sex with yourself, is that what we're saying? Masturbation. Oh, right, yeah, yeah. I think, like, the formula... That's actually short for...asturbation. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah. I think like the formula That's actually short

holiday bongos. We're masters. Should be X plus brackets X over X plus one or two. That's how I always see it. I said that in the pub last night.

I have no idea what the fuck you're on about. So like five days away X is five. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you've got five. X over X would be one. So add one or two to that

so you should be having between seven and eight fucks well I tell you what your mathematics has got me horny so that's how I'm going to explain it to Laura Laura

we've got to have more sex that's a fucking equation you need to I think I'm right on that by the way you need to front load the holiday as well it needs to be

three on the first day I've just realised in that formula you don't need x over x that's always one so it's x plus Front load the holiday as well. It needs to be three on the first day. I've just realised in that formula, you don't need X over X, that's always one. So it's X plus two or three. Oh God, I'm so glad. I was about to bring that up.

Two weeks away, you should be having 16 to 17 fucks. Front load it though, because you're going to get sunburned, tired, overweight. Which sex workers you've been taking on holiday? Like what? There's me spends,

there's me sex worker money. What? 17 bonks in five nights. You should be fucking once and every single evening. And sometimes you just go, you've never been sat around a pool with your significant other and all of it and you just turn to them and go,

put that down and get upstairs. I'm going to bum your head in. Yeah. Little midday fuck. You leave your towel there. You go upstairs, you fuck, you come back,

you still get your towel. No, no. You go upstairs, you eat some Lay's. Right. And then you get laid. Paprika Lay's. Yeah. You go upstairs, you fucking come back, you still get your towel. No, no, you go upstairs, you eat some Lay's. Right. And then you get laid. Paprika Lay's. Yeah, you sit there with your fucking foreign chips, crisps,

and then you have a bit of fucking ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Dan, do you not think when you're on the beach getting your feet massaged by Asian women again, that's not going to get you properly in the mood? Well, yeah, maybe, yeah. You'll know something's frustrating me if I'm on my fifth foot massage of the day, yeah. I don't know.

I'm all in for it. I love your maths. I love the prospect. Minimum one today. All right, cool. Floatloading. Do you know how I'm on the first day? This is a public episode,

so this isn't going to go down well, but I'll WhatsApp you with every bunk, all right? No, just do an emoji. No, on my Instagram stories, what will be the visual code? The visual code. Your cock. Put your cock on your Instagram

and we'll know what you mean. No glasses. Right. If your glasses aren't on. If there's a can of Sprite in an Instagram story, count it as a bonk. What's a seven up?

A wank. Hang on, what happens if you have a can of Sprite in an Instagram story. Count it as a bonk. What's a seven up? A wank. Hang on. What happens if you have a can of Sprite? Hang on, Lee. He's going to get a can of Sprite from the show. Again. Why? No.

No, make it an emoji. Right. Make it like something that's not obvious, like an aubergine. Make it like, I don't know, a car. Right. If there's... I'll tell you what.

So it's just you in a picture. I'm telling you right now. Tunnel emoji. What the fuck if we get laid in the middle of the afternoon like look I'm going to go fucking tunnel what was that by the way

what was that tunnel tunnel tunnel just take a selfie somewhere in the selfie there is a car you love a little selfie video actually

so every time you finish having sex just take a selfie video and just go I've just fucked my wife and we'll know what you mean will you know make sure she's in it as well I've just had intercourse

with Laura Nightingale and I love Sprite and I'm about to get a taxi oh we've talked you know what I mean just make a car do you know what I mean why don't I just take a picture

of Laura's biff and put it on my Instagram stories will that I think you'll get community violation you'll get community violation you'll get a shadow banned just look right now so card emojis a bit like

Laura will be like why do you keep putting these card emojis on your story just take a selfie video and just go brum brum yeah cool but it's got to be within a minute of you finishing oh no why are you doing that soggy brum brum But it's got to be within a minute of you finishing. Oh, no. Why are you doing that, Blake?

Soggy brum brum. Why have we done that twice this week? Yeah, but then I'm going to have to finish. Oh, it's so good. I love you, babe. 17 times this week. It's only Tuesday. And then I'll be like, I'm just going to quickly do it. Oh, I'm just here having a great holiday.

Remember to buy tickets for Dan Nightingale and Fiends because they're going fast. Brum brum. But then, right, for the whole week or five days, remember to buy tickets for Dan Nightingale and Fiends because they're going fast brum brum but then right for the whole week or five days she's like why do you keep saying

brum brum and you're like none of your business right on the last day when you're fucking just as you're about to finish you look her right in the eye

and say I'm about to brum and then she'll get it brum brum brum brum times have come nice nice I want a brum right it brum brum times have come nice nice

I want a brum right it's gonna be a car in the Instagram stories it's gonna be brum brum make it there's a car in the Instagram stories

everyone knows little Danny's had a fucking great time I expect to see two on at least one of the days right okay cool

well I'll get to work you need to get a fucking what you need to get a fucking what you need to do all this gear and all that don't you get the suntan lotion around them oh yeah yeah yeah

you can't just be getting up and putting that on and leaving the house you put some cream on my back that's the side of me tits I know it is brum brum like yeah yeah

she loves that voice as well that makes it yeah lovely like a fucking gravelly scouser yeah girl get that fucking Fiat Punto in the picture.

You know what I'm talking about. You need to put some work in, is what I'm saying. Holiday doesn't mean sex. You just need to put the graft in. Apparently it does to you. Three days away is 40-few shags. What graft? What graft are you doing? Put your fucking splite down, girl. There's a bed upstairs.

Three days away would be, I think, would be four or five yeah depends where you are I hope we're still doing this podcast when you're ten years married I've got two kids

I've been with my girlfriend thirteen years longer than your partner what does marriage do I'll be signing that now your fucking pussy is sewn up you're really fucking up

my brum brums you know I've been with my partner longer than you've been with yours welcome to all the You're really fucking up my brum brums, you know. I've been with my partner longer than you've been with yours. Welcome to all the Tommy Inet fans who are watching from the start. Oh, shit. Yeah, do you like Minecraft? Honestly, he thought this was a Patreon. Oh, shit.

Going to be a rough 45 minutes for you lads should probably put a disclaimer if this is the first episode this is intended for people aged at least 16 and up I like brum brums so good luck with your thank you watch my Instagram stories

you've got to get one in Siam Park risky one a shag in Siam Park is that the arse yeah they could write up the water slide where do you have sex in cyan park there's no there's no areas in a queue i got chewed off in the change i remember foreign spa went in for some fags what oh you mean like a relaxation spa yeah

yeah it wasn't the petrol station you didn't go in for a bag of brown cocktail walkers and you mean cigarettes 20 L&B's that's what I meant whatever your

awful mind went to yeah well that was nice it was fun what did you do what did you build up fun yeah

oh nice that's a successful one. Chewed off. How do you initiate that as a scouser? Yeah, girl. Chew us off. No, gizzard chew. Gizzard chew.

Told you this before. No. That's why we say... It's never worked. That's why we say... What did we say for chewy again? Chud. No.

Believe. What's our way of... That's a finger in the arse. Why? Because if I said to him, gizzard chewy, he'd be like, whoa. No, I wouldn't.

I'd give you the chewy. Oh, that's so nice. What have you misheard me? Oh, you're such a good friend. Yeah. You'd ask, suck you off? No, no, no. A chew and a chewy are not the same thing.

That's what I mean. Of course, yeah. Chongi, that's a chewy. No, it's not. Well, if I say, chew is too close to chewy. Give us a chongi. Yeah, it just means chewy. That's pot. chewy. Give us a chongy. Yeah, just means chewy.

That's a pot. Right. Give us a little chongy there. I don't think you are. It's your pot. I don't think you are actually Scousers. I think it's just... There's all Scousers

other than you two and your own different... Look at her, arsehole. That is just us. Yeah, that is you. Anyway, excited. How are you? All right right when do you go again uh we drop the kids off at the pool um no we drop the kids yeah for shit over the shite on something yeah yeah yeah we drop the kids off at her mother's god bless that fucking woman do they know what do the kids know you're

going away yeah we're not abducting them and they're just like fucking no they know you're going on aldi without them oh no they're getting it we're getting it hyped kids know you're going away? Yeah, we're not abducting them and they're just like fucking... No, they know you're going on Aldi without them. Oh, no, they're getting it. We're getting it hyped up. And you're going away with grandma and granddad. Woo-hey! Where to? Great Yarmouth. Woo!

Where will you be? Let's not talk about that. Oh, so you've not told them you're going to be in... Kind of, yeah. Yeah, it's quite hard. It's like your kids, hey, I'm going on a water slide at Aldi and you're going to your nan's.

Yeah, they get a bit... The week after you've got a bounce cast in your garden yeah that is getting booked again though I got the I got the dad gill about if you've not watched Dan Day yet

sign up at patreon.com slash have a word pod for one of our most popular specials that really we put in the schedule because we were floundering

because we'd had a bit of a schedule mix up and we just needed that day to be a special Harry came up with Dande. Is that right? Or was it Finn? Finn came up with Dande. I think it was Will's Harry.

So popular. And if you've not seen it, just for these lot, cold plunging. Oh my God, it was so much fun. But the bouncy castle that turned up, I got such dad guilt that there's a bouncy castle in the garden and my kids were just at school in nursery.

So I am getting it. It's 80 quid a day, which seems like a fucking dealio. Yeah, because they destroy your lawn, don't they? I don't know. It wasn't that bad, you know. Was there anything afterwards from the neighbours? Was there like commotion because we'd been there? No, dead sound.

Dead sound. It's none of the neighbours' fucking business. That's not how neighbours work, Adam. No, that's what I would have said before they even kicked off Don't even think about kicking off Yeah we're burning fucking car tyres It's none of your business No it doesn't work like that

We're doing illegal dog fights Mind your fucking own business It's in your fucking house It's in my fucking garden If you want dog fighting in your garden There's nothing your neighbours can say as long as you're not fighting their dogs and as long as they haven't got washing out

you talked me through it just yeah yeah because no one wants the splatter of dog blood on your fucking bedding exactly

yeah put your bedding away I'm having some illegal dog fights burning some tires and have a bouncy castle don't even think about kicking off it's a gypsy birthday

oh that was too fun. There's absolutely no way that any neighbour has got any right to tell you you can't have a rodeo bull in your back garden on a Tuesday morning. It's fun. You're right. But it's good to just for everyone to be sound about it

because I have to live there for probably the next 35 years. So you just want to be like, you all right? And they were like, what are you all doing? What are we like? That's nice

you don't lean over and go it's my bouncy castle we pay for it back in your fucking house that's what I'd do I'd burn it down it doesn't work like that

that's not what I'm saying you fucking psycho that's not what I'm saying what I'm saying is you don't do that you don't instigate it but if one of your neighbours looks over and goes

hey Daniel Daniel what are you doing with an audio ball at a bouncy castle it's Tuesday morning then at that, you don't instigate it but if one of your neighbours looks over and goes Daniel, Daniel, what are you doing with an audio ball on a bouncy castle this Tuesday morning then at that point you go, get back in your house you stupid fucking cunt or I'll put one in your garden next week. Oh god I'm looking forward to him buying a house

Would you ever be bollock on a bouncy castle in your back garden? What? You put it in your garden? No, you can be bollock on it Do you remember when you were on the bouncy castle and you were bouncing and you could see my mate Alistair working from home? He was looking at me. Ah, yeah.

And if my dick's out, is that his fault? Look away. You were looking at my dick. That's okay. Get back in your fucking house. No, I think you have to be in your house to have your dick out. I think once you're outside,

that's like, you know, airspace and stuff. There's different rules there. Yeah, you can't fly planesspace and stuff. There's different rules there. What? Yeah, you can't fly planes past your dick. There's no flies out. You can't get your dick out there.

Your dick's a plane. There's an easy jet route to Alicante. Is that your forever home, Daniel? I think so, maybe. I don't know. I don't know.

You might be unmortgageable soon with your age. What? I'm 43. Yeah, but you get to a certain age and they're like, what, giving you a mortgage

I've got 27 years of mortgageable life and you can't fly and I can't fly I've got 27 years is it 70 yeah I think they'll do you well into your 60s

have you thought about buying the airspace above your house I'll look into it so I can get my dick out just like if it's going to be your forever home then you can build up

can't you there you go you can have a hotel upstairs. Famously, that's how it works. I don't need permission. You know? I own the airspace. That happens in New York, that, doesn't it?

I think. Which mean? Companies own the space above them, so they can always go up. I don't think it happens in Cheshire. You can buy the airspace above your house. No, you can't. And you can, and then planes have to your house. No, you can't.

And then planes have to go around it. Why? Because I've got a 27-story building. No, you own it. They have to pay you to go through it. And if they come through, they're trespassing. And then EasyJet, so your billions make billions. How low do you think these EasyJet planes are flying over my house? You own the airspace above it. There's no limit on it.

You get it all the way up to the moon. When the moon's died. You'd be well within your right to shoot out of the sky. Yeah. But for that split second... All right. Okay, I'll look into it. So good to learn from you guys, isn't it?

We did go to school. We went to school. You went to school. And what lesson was that part of? You buy the airspace and you can shoot down aircraft. Right, turn to page 27. This is history. It was RE. It was RA. Like, would you ever

build up on your house? You're not allowed to build up. You are if you buy the airspace. You're not listening. You have not researched this in any way. You can't build up. No, you can't. I'm putting a doorman on my house. That's essentially about building up. Putting a what? A doorman.

A doorman. ID on the door of the doorman.. Putting a what? A dormer. A dormer. ID on the door of the dormer. For all the fucking people asking for selfies. No, lad. A dormer. Right. What's a dormer? For the loft extension.

I have to ask the council, though, because they care. Because they're always looking at my house, apparently. Yeah, that's the thing, isn't it? You're not building up, you're building out. It's a bit of both. Oh. Nice. I didn't realise you could build You're not building up, you're building out. It's a bit of both. Oh, nice. I didn't realise you could build up. I don't even want to build out.

Just take the roof off and start. I'll take the roof off. Do a gig there, mate. Yeah, just lads, I'll do... I think we're not moving. I think this is going to be it. No, I think you need to move. I have another baby as well.

What? You're not busy enough. This holiday. Is there actually a limit on how high you can go with your house? You say you can't build up, because you've built a garden office, you've technically built up, because that was the floor originally.

Yeah, but it's not higher than your property, is it? Oh, is that the rule? I don't think you can go above 2.2 metres for a garden office. 2.2 or 2.5 metres. Oh, so that's the regs, is it, yeah? Yeah, and you can't go bigger than 30 square metres in, what do they call it like square footage square footage yeah in meters what are we saying finn what's the rules uh yeah no you can as a

freehold property owner you have air rights meaning you can develop vertically above your property wow cool nice well i'm the freehold owner you're leasing oh no we're freehold baby yeah yeah yeah Cool, nice. You're only three years old, are you, Lee? Oh, no. We're three years old, baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's get a hotel down on the way. Get some other floors. He's not paying attention to that, are you, mate? You did one this year, you know. Stupid me, just learning about Diwali.

Hindus? I can't believe you're not moving. This is not my forever home. Hindus? Diwali? Yes. Isn't Diwali the fellow who appeared to someone and was like, hey, change your ways? Isn't it a party?

Was that Scrooge? That was South Africa. Do you mean Marley? No, like, I'm literally going off a battle rap, are you? We're Marley and Marley. Do you agree with this, Diwali? It's the Festival of Light, isn't it? I thought it was a party.

No, but Diwali's a fellow who appeared to someone and was like, hey, pack it in. That's scooch. Hindu festival. Religious festival. The triumphant return of Lord Rama, his wife Sita, and brother Lakshaman. Nailed it.

Don't do it again. What's his sister called? Sounds like you're trying to order a drink. Sita. No, his wife, Sita. His wife used to give people lifts on her bike. Festival of Light, yeah. Oh, nice.

Diwali, Diwali. I thought that was Hanukkah. Hanukkah's the Festival of Light, isn't it? And they do all the candles and shit. Yeah, this is why you shouldn't have done so much property development in religious studies. Do you know what I heard years ago? That Hanukkah was better than Christmas.

Because what the Jews would do was you get a present every day, don't you? I love that we always find an excuse to say the Jews. But then I can't remember where I learned it, I love that we always find an excuse to say Jews but then I can't remember where I learned it but like the Jews don't just like give all their kids loads of presents every day so I think Christmas is still better

because apparently like what happened was on like the first day of Hanukkah they give you like you know the front wheel of a bike and then the second day you get the back wheel and eventually you get like a whole bike. That's lovely.

Like a fucking Build-A-Bear. Maybe that was Ari Shafir's special I learnt that from. Really? And he's a Jew, so he knows. He is Jewish. My Jew love gave to me. Chris, nice. It's wordplay.

I think Christmas is better when you get 472 presents all at once. I haven't had a present for Christmas for about 15 years, I don't think. Apart from the Christmas presents we've given you.

No, I don't class them. Oh. Yeah, you're right. You probably haven't had any presents then, Carl. Have you given me on Christmas morning? Because that's what I mean.

I know. Like waking up and like... You haven't had a Christmas present on Christmas morning? I don't know. In my head, no. I used to get loads.

I used to get sacks of them. You're 32. Why? What do you mean? I used to get loads when I was seven and now no one's making the same effort. Yeah, but why should they go up? Because you said.

No, not because you said. Because it's just life, isn't it? Why? Well, what are you fucking whinging about then? Get your own presents. Get fucking Serica to give you loads of presents and make a big fuss of you. I will.

Here's the front wheel of a bike. You'll never use it, you lazy cunt. Cancel the bike ride on me. Fuck it. Pathetic. There was about 15 reasons. Oh. One of the reasons was I didn't wake up.

That was one of the reasons. As soon as you were like, yeah, we'll get Adam as well, I was like, that's never happening, that bike ride. I was all set for it, actually. I had a really difficult day, so you can shove that up your arse.

All right, cool. You should have well more faith in me. I know you were right. We're training for India. We're going to... We're going to India to celebrate Diwali. I imagine.

I'm hoping it's on. We're doing a charity bike ride around India and I'm putting in some practice sort of runs. I know, I was around the bike hunting to practice. Ah, cool. See you there then. Festival of shit.

I've got a proper training plan start. I'm going to get back from Nashville. Nice. Bicycles. On a bike? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool. I think I'm also going to run another half marathon in October.

It's just a warm-up. Upset me, nasty bitch. Cool. Can I sponsor you £1,000 to not talk about it on the podcast? No. I'll do it. Pay me a grant to not talk about it. Right, cool.

It's unbelievable. Can you go and donate to my solid place link? If you sponsor me £1,000, I will not mention the half marathon I'm doing. All right, great. I'm in. I'm in. Okay, class. What a bargain. Class right, great. I'm in. I'm in. Okay, class.

What a bargain. Class. He's going to mention it. What are you doing outside of cycling a bike to get ready? What do you mean? Fitness-wise. You're pumping up.

I'm trying. You're in the gym yesterday, right? I'm going, yeah. I'm quite enjoying it. What's your favourite? The lap pull-down. I've said it before. I really like it.

I am trying. I'm getting better, though. But I need a PT. Laura and I are going to start doing it together. Not the brum-brum.. I'm getting better though, but I need a PT. Laura and I are going to start doing it together. Not the brum brum. The fucking. Me and Seneca have got a PT together

and it works. It's good. Does it? You push each other, yeah. Yeah, I'm looking forward to that. A little bit of communal action. I'm going to have to be very disciplined. Who?

Me and Jack Finnegan. What did you say? Jeff Innocent. I honestly heard something else. Doesn't matter. I'm going to have to be very disciplined about not looking at bunders in the gym when Laura's in there.

Why? Look at hers. There is, yeah. There is just a limit of how many bums you can look at. But Laura's pretty sound. Sometimes she's like, that's a great bunder. But depends how she's feeling. Do you know what you should say?

No, let's go. There's yours, chicken. Babe. Get your ass out. Take a picture of a taxi. You know what I'm going to I want to Spain as well I'm near you we're on to Palmer both gone all day without me it's a wedding though a lot of weddings going on at the moment kid you're in the zone yeah you're in the zone I haven't said. I don't think I've got any coming up apart from maybe yours and maybe yours.

Definitely. It's safest to like it when all the time comes around, you know what I mean? Laura's invited to Venice now for everyone crying at home. Yeah, Laura's blagged away. Laura's coming to Venice.

Yeah, you get to an age, early 30s, where it just seems like there's a lot of invites dropping. Finn, you won't be in the zone yet, but it just all of a sudden, you're like, oh my God. He's still going to his mate's Christmas, isn't he? That's me. Every weekend.

Every week. Every week. Have any of your friends got money? They've all got kids, haven't they? Yeah, they have, but not close enough that I'd go. Only Cam's got kids. Yeah, Cam's got kids. How old's Cam your age?

Younger than me. Really? And he's got kids? Well kids well he's my school year but he's like 10 months younger multiple children two children multiple multiple that's young in this day and age you know yeah but we were talking who are we talking about it with he he said to me like he'll be done at 40 and then he can just do what he wants yeah because his kids will be like teenagers by then and he can just chill yeah it's the rich wilson model yeah will be like fucking teenagers by then and he can just chill. Yeah, it's the Rich Wilson model. Yeah. Where he's like 40 and he's got a fucking 22-year-old. It doesn't look that bad.

Then he's fucked it and had another one. Set your skin when you're young. Yeah, he's had another one. Yeah, he fucked that up. He set that one backwards. But then you're 40 and you're physically fucked because you've been raising kids for 20 years and you can't fucking do anything.

I didn't do it the other way around. I have the kids when you're 40, enjoy your 20s and 30s. You're physically fucked. Raising at 80 and you're old. I am fucked. If you have babies at 24, 25 and you are doing it properly

and you're like giving it, you've got the energy. You're having them older. I had Jack when I was 40. It's not going. I'd go early, except I wanted to do pills and not concentrate all through my 20s.

40, yeah. You're still virile. Thanks, mate. Well done. We'll see how many cards you see in my Instagram stories. But it doesn't have to be shooting fucking rocket launchers. It could be firing blanks, couldn't you? Firing.

Firing. I'm happy the way I've done it now. I don't want to have kids, but if I did, the one month I'm young. Give it two years. No. There's an election coming up boys there is there is an election coming up you involved listen the announcement yesterday was fantastic can we talk about that big soggy piece of shit rishi sunak listen the main thing is we get rid of the cunts so for everyone who's like yeah fuck the tories that counts for nothing unless you actually get rid

of the toories now. This is the opportunity. You might not love the opposition. You might not love other parties. You have to get rid of these shitebags. We've been strangled as a country for the last five or six years, and this is an opportunity to free ourselves of them. It's so easy to go, yeah, I fucking hate the Tories and all that.

If you do nothing at this point, they are completely hollow words. Get rid of these cunts. Register to vote. Please register to vote. I know there's a lot of people who I absolutely agree with, being like Keir Starmer's like a blue and a red tie

and he's the lesser of two evils, but I agree with you, but it is still the lesser of two evils, but I agree with you, but it is still the lesser of two evils. And that's it. I understand, especially with everything that's going on in the Middle East, why people have huge problems with voting for Labour at the minute, but you've just,

you've like, you've just got to. Yeah. And also like if Keir Starmer is your issue, you're not voting for a president, you're voting for a government, you're voting for an MP in your constituency.

Clear them out. People's problem at the minute is not just Keir Starmer. He's the biggest one, but there's a lot of policies in place at the minute with the Labour Party that people are really,

who are traditional Labour voters, who are left-wing, and they don't see a lot of the policies as being for them and what I'm saying is I understand that and I agree with that and I am not going to enjoy voting for them

either because in many ways I can see how you would feel that they're just as bad as the people already in power but they're not they're not just as bad like they are bad they're not good but it isn't as bad and and also gotta be a step in the right direction the labor party tried corbyn and they tried a more left-wing version of the labor party and he lost two elections so i i thought jeremy corbyn was a great man if you are fetishizing, and that's the reason you can't vote,

we are going to end up with more fucking Tories. Please, for the love of God. There's a chance to actually wipe them out here. Yeah. This could be biblical. If you're a young voter who's never been asked to vote before, and you think, make sure you check you're registered, at home with your mum or if you've moved out for uni.

I think they're banking on people not being able to register. This is such sneaky cunt politics. Go and check now whether you are registered to vote, no matter what your age is. Oh, I'm registered. And then you're not and you've got no time.

And it's very easy to go, well, it's Labour around here anyway. It doesn't matter because the less people think that, the more chance there's a... You say like where I'm from, the bit of Preston I'm from is a swing seat

if we just have 10 50 100 people that influence to vote instead of just going on just see what happens gov.uk slash register to vote with hyphens in between the registers go and do it now if especially if it's your first time voting go and meet yourself proud and vote just do it all right time voting. Go and meet yourself proud and vote. Just do it. Alright. See you in a bit. And welcome back to section two of four.

Do you know banks shut at three o'clock now? Yeah. And no one texts me to let me know. That's if you're lucky enough to have a branch anymore. Yeah. They're fucking going. In Liverpool City, you'd expect to have a branch, wouldn't you? Yeah. Is it the same on the corner? Yeah. Not at three o'clock yet? Three o'clock?

Why is it three? Are they giving a reason? I think it's just because no one goes to banks anymore. There's no cash anymore. There's no reason to go to banks. Everything's online. Unless you go to America and the fraud team block your card. Oh, you couldn't possibly have gone on holiday! Shut it down! They've been to America like four times

this year as well what's he doing there and it's the only time they've blocked her every other time she's been fine there was no way of knowing you were

going away apart from those plane tickets you bought with this card you didn't get a it was a close you couldn't get it sorted no I went there then

she was like yeah I'll just have a look for you and yeah the fraud team have thought you were doing fraud so they've frauded have thought you were doing fraud. So they've frauded it.

Do you want to ring them? And I was like, how long will that take? She was like, you'll probably be on hold for about 20, 30 minutes. And then it'll take about 15 minutes once you get through. And I was like, right, yeah. Isn't it their job to call them and then give you the phone? Yeah, but that's just as bad for me. To be sat there for 20 to 30 minutes with just do-do-do.

Carl, sorry. He gets to the front of the queue we are sent in there we're sorry that you're 9000 in the queue we'll probably get to you

at some point anyway enjoy this music he's got a queue up with a queue behind him and then you think it's her job to go I know there's a queue but this man

I'm ringing for him no she did offer to be fair to Carl and to this woman there was another she said I can ring them now

and give you the phone or I can give you the number and you can call in your own time. They're open till eight. So that call centre's still open till eight o'clock. But she's getting off at three, isn't she? Because she's got to go and pick the kids up and bath her wife.

Because fraud finishes at eight. There's no fraud after 8pm. I love how there's someone's gone on that hold music. Don't make it fun. Because you want them to turn the phone off after 30 seconds. You should be able to connect your Spotify to companies that you're not on hold with. And you just listen to your own playlist.

That'd be class. But you just forget. I'm on a vibe. They hang up on you when they hear some country music. Whoa. People love it. People fucking love it, by the way. It's taking over.

It is, though. I've sold 900 tickets for country parties. And there's 700 more people on the waiting list. It is though. Pathetic. I've sold 900 tickets for country parties and there's 700 more people on the waiting list. It's class. And you think it's shit and you're wrong. So wrong. Your opinion is wrong Finn. Get up with the times. Go to Eurovision. Yeah.

How many tickets have you sold for your Eurovision party? None. I put it on sale. 5,000. Oh yeah. 5 million thousand. Could have done a massive gaffe, though, for these country parties. Could have been like 1,200 seats. But you don't want to sit, do you? Do you want to just sit around drinking?

You need places for people to sit and have a drink. Yeah, there's older people coming. It's an eight-hour party. Can't wait. Oh, I love country music so much more when I start drinking at 2 p.m. When you think. When you can't hear it.

Oh, I can't wait you're going to do an hour of stand up at 4 o'clock nice one hour country themed stand up massive

alright bring that on and that's Adam Rose charity country all dayers three of them 15 grand raise for charity I don't think he's

a comedian anymore I like the name I think he's a party organiser yee haw the name's clever works really wellhaw. The name's clever. Works really well, doesn't it? The name's clever, yeah. Yee-haw.

As in have a word. No, as in no women. Ow. What? Hors. No. I thought he was saying yes, horse. Yes.

Yes. Yes, horse. Probably is. If it's a Borat-themed sex party, I'll just hoodwink everyone into thinking. There is women going, isn't there? Oh, It's a Bada-themed sex party. I just hoodwinked everyone into thinking. There is women going, isn't there? Oh, there's a lot of women going. Good, good, good, good.

Because country music is already pretty camp. I don't need to do an all boys all day. How's country music camp? I'm sorry, what? How's country music camp? Did you see the cowboy boots you bought? The little snakeskin ones? They're over there.

How are they camp? They're black and cream. Oh, they're chula. Camp doesn't mean pink. Oh, my God. Those kinky boots. What are you talking about? No, they're not camp at all.

It's just white snakeskin that you tucked beige pants into. I shouldn't have tucked the pants in. No. That was a mistake. Or suck that bloke off. That was a mistake. Yeah. There was a guy guy wasn't there

do you remember I don't know if you remember this I remember it there was a guy like near us I can't remember where he was he was like he's damn brave

tucking him in but now you have him behind you and you were having such a good day that we went don't tell Evan just lame apparently that's a faux pas

I didn't know that I was you know just starting my country journey but why how do you see the top of the country journey back then. But why? How do you see the top of the... You don't. Oh, well then, why are you giving a fucking pattern in the air? You do if they go on women.

Women often have, like, skirts or shorts on with them. But on a mare, you don't want to see a cowbell, you know? A cowbell, you want me to beat your tongue? I can't wait, mate. It's going to be class. Are you wearing cowboy outfits? Yeah, I'm going to get a fucking absolute doozy for each one

he's hiring a horse who's coming up in the elevator imagine if I was there in like a monster extrax sound sold the tickets

I just like the music I'll be there you've got to be rigged out though in country attire I don't know Nanny because you sold me art you've got to get some you're going to get me a new one from Nashville like you promised and I will I'll get you sold me art you're going to get some

you're going to get me a new one from Nashville like you promised and I will I'll get you the art but you've got to get the rest of it close yourself

I've got a black shirt cowboy boots pants cowboy tops I know what I'm going to dress like do you want to see oh here we go

for the first one is it Riley Green are you three different outfits oh 100% what are you talking about what am I talking about how will people know which photos are from which event?

Camp. Who's camp? It's not camp. It's manly. We're three outfits. I've got my outfits. This is August. This is September.

This is the most summery one. Looks like a blacksmith to me. Is that right? Yeah. He's a wife. What's around his neck? Is that some kind of like... It's like a necktie.

I've got a... I'mtie. I've got a... So excited. I've got a... Question. Luke says... Question. For your lids. Why does that bother me so much?

Morning, lids. Like country music. Wag wag and all that shite. I have been working my way through the podcast and I'm now up to episode 204. How many have we done? 4,730. This is 278.

Oh, nice. He's about a year and a half behind. Okay. Adam is still talking about the girl with no arsehole and no one believes him. She come up recently. A conversation with someone else. I can go one better.

I was born without a urethra, without a piss hole in my dick. Franklin? Any urethra Franklin CDs? I was born with no urethra Franklin CDs in my house. I spent the first few years of my life... I spent the first few years of my life with tubes coming out of my stomach attached to my bladder

so I could piss in a bag until the surgery corrected it. And now, due to Crohn's disease, I have part of my bowel outside my stomach and I shit in a bag. Well, Luke, thanks for sharing.

Now, I have a one in a million penis. My piss hole is on the underside of my dick. No, I'm not the same. I'm just going to have to say that again.

My piss hole is on the underside of my dick. They had to fashion a urethra out of a vein and create something that the piss could come out of.

So where you lads have a lovely hole on the top, mine is underneath like a troll. My penis was created. When I jizz, it shoots downwards. No! That's class! When I jizz, it shoots downwards. I cough like a tap. Thank goodness I jizz in men, as who

knows what kind of creature downwards jizz would create. Question is, would you rather have a downward penis hole or be born with no arsehole? Love, hugs and downward jizz from Luke. How does he wank? What? Like, where does he come when he wanks?

Bucket. Bucket. Bucket like a cow? Come bucket. Well, no, if he's on his back, it'll just shoot directly up, won't it? Because the bottom of his dick would be like... Pointing off, yeah.

Or it might just shoot... If he's fully hard and his dick's completely pointing off, it might just shoot at his telly. But hang on. So it doesn't go up the willy and out down. It just comes out of the bottom of his penis? No, like on the side. It's like a pressure valve. Yeah. You might put his hand over it like a tap yeah that's mad that

to be honest lou you seem pretty cheery about it and i think being born without an from what i've heard is sounds pretty traumatic and obviously you don't get your privacy with it that's a fact um but i'd say downward penis doesn't sound too bad. And apparently it's cracking for bumming. Yeah, well, I suppose it is really good for bumming, isn't it? That's what the doctors said. Don't worry, kid. This is going to be great for bumming.

Let's hope you're gay. And he's got half of his arse all on the outside of his stomach. I mean, that's just Crohn's disease being an absolute nightmare, isn't it? From everything I understand of Crohn's, it's not fun. But the downward facing jizzle, I think we're all... See, these things do happen.

No, they fashioned him that. No, he's right. And they fashioned the girl I went to school with an arsehole. I told you. She was born with just a flap, like a back that became legs she had no bum

no no cheeks she hasn't even got bum cheeks to sit down well I don't know about that I've never seen her with her pants off all I know is

she had an arsehole plumbed in like a plank of wood once again welcome to the Tommy Innet plant this has got patron energy written all over it

it's because we've come in with no guests. We feel like it's paid for. So for those who are new to the podcast, I went to school with a girl and I can't name her because I'm sure she doesn't want this to be publicised, but she was born with no bum hole. Right? And everyone knew and then she came in one day and she was like

I've got a bum hole now. Look. Look. She said look. No. They used a brad hole. Look. Well, she said look. No. They used a brad hole. They just opened it up. Lovely. And that's pretty legendary. Like plumbed in, essentially.

I'd rather have a bum hole. Than not have one? No, than the downward cock. I don't think it sounds too bad at all. Yeah, it doesn't. Yeah, it's fine. It doesn't sound like it's even an inconvenience. You'd get used to it dead quick.

Well, yeah, I suppose you would. But for me. Sam says, Lids... Oh, I've got some more questions. Sam says, Lids, if you were paired up with 100 random humans, any age, from anywhere in the world, etc., and if you beat them at one thing, you win a billion pounds.

What one thing are you choosing? So that's 100 random humans, proper random. Children as well? Are we doing random humans as it says? So it could be kids as well. So from anywhere in the world, what are you playing them at to win a billion pounds? Adam Rowe lookalike competition

yeah nailed it you'll do that as well I'll just do Adam Rowe as well and hope he's not there if there's a Libyan lad you're in you're in for a tricky afternoon

like I think I'd win that Charlie Chaplin didn't though did he he entered one and came third he entered the Charlie Chaplin lookalike competition and finished third what as if you don't know that

I've never heard that it's such a random it's in so funny isn't it it's in Loughy number 11 erm what game what game could you

play 100 random people snooker no 100 random people I would back myself at FIFA

yeah yeah it's a good shout yeah it's niche, you know? Like there might be like three people in that 100. If it's a genuine random thing from across, there might be three who would be able to play.

Be able to beat me. If you're playing the numbers, there's probably going to be about 15 to 20 Chinese people. About 15 Chinese people on average. There's going to be about eight or nine Indians. And they prefer badm About 15 Chinese people. Yeah. On average. There's going to be about eight or nine Indians. And they prefer badminton to footy.

Yeah. So. Don't pick badminton. You know. I think darts might be something I go for. I'm not even that good of it. Good at it,

but good. Oh my God, today I can't speak. I don't, I just don't think. As long as you've got no Dutch people in there, you're fine.

A Taiwanese child is going to beat me at darts. I don't fine a Taiwanese child is going to beat me at darts I don't think a Taiwanese child is going to beat you at darts well as you know exactly but if Raymond Van Barneveld sneaks in

that would be unlucky I picked darts and then he walks out and you're like right I've fucked this what are the chances imagine you beat him now

imagine you stepped up. Imagine if I was a professional darts player. Imagine if I won the world championship. I think that sometimes you could just, like if I took it up, like we put the board up, didn't we, recently. If I was just an absolute phenom, I could still play.

I could turn pro at 43. Oh yeah, you're still in your darts either. Yeah. I think you're always in your darts either. I don't think there's non-darts either. You can't grow out of it. What's your game of choice there, Carl, for a billion pounds?

FIFA's a good show. What else? I'm a good darts. Pool. Really? Yeah. I think you fucked with pool. I hope there's quite a big cross-section of children

and they're not big enough for the table. I think there is going to be children, but again, on average, there's going to be children, but again, on average, there's going to be about 10, 15, 20 kids, isn't there? Make it so it's just adults. Oh, dear. Because there's nothing you're going to be worried about with kids,

apart from maybe GCSE maths, because they're doing it now and you forgot about it if they're in that year. Spelling test. English spelling test. Definitely losing to a time when he's child on that one. You're going for an English Spelling Test? Mm-hmm.

And I'm hoping that, you know, people like Portuguese people don't even know. You're going to do a spelling bee? Yeah. Statistically, great option because you're down to about, what, 40% can speak English, maybe. It's the lingua franca, yeah. Right. Finn?

Zooting up, mate. Penalty shootout. Like, if you've got a take and save i'm backing myself the very rare take and save yeah this is new game football's the world sport are you very very likely going to come up against someone better footballing you yeah but penalties chance in it i reckon i back myself in goal more than 100 random people. Based on this, statistically, what you've just said is you think you're in the top 1%

of footballers on the planet. Yeah. I'm going to say that. There's 100 of you. Imagine the amount of people there are in the world. He's not talking people who play football, he's talking about the population of the world, which is not that wild. No. I suppose so, yeah.

That's what you're doing by saying you'd beat not that wild. No. Yeah, I suppose so, yeah. That's what you do. And by saying you'd be anyone at any of these. Yeah, yeah. Hopefully you get like a nana from Papua New Guinea. Or like, don't forget the lyrics, pop edition. Oh. Want to do that? Yeah.

Or penalties. Or both. Or combine them. Yeah. I used to love that show, you know, Don't Forget the Lyrics. Can we do it? That'd be a fucking great, like,

if we did like a... You should do that at your country event. But no one knows the song. I think when people get pissed and try and sing on a microphone, that is already don't forget the lyrics, isn't it? We were testament to that the other night.

Was that Alfie Moon? Yeah. Shane Ritchie. Shane Ritchie. Alfie Moon, isn't it? What a show. No. Damn, they don't make them like this anymore. testament to that the other night was that alfie moon yeah shame richie shame shame richie yeah alfie moon in there want to show me don't make no unbelievable damn they don't make them like this anymore the only problem i used to have with that program is there wasn't enough game time in the game he was just chatting shite just so for the show every quiz show just chat chat chat okay have a little go and then he'd be like right so and it's the next round and he'd go, but before that, that's what's all your dog.

This person just have like a 15 minute chat and he'd go, right, so go on for an ad break and then we'll do one more song. So what's the purest quiz? What do they, because there must be people

who love TV quizzes and stuff. Like, Master University Challenge. Oh, is that, that's straight down. No, that's not purest

because you have to be super intelligent. What's the Victoria Coren Mitchell one? Have Axel got them on? No, that's not purist because you have to be super intelligent. What's the Victoria Corrin Mitchell one? Hap Axler got him on. No, that's University Challenge. What's it called?

Only Connect. University Challenge, you don't have to be super intelligent, but it is more academic based, isn't it? It's like, it's all stuff.

I think the chase is really sort of, like, eggheads. Fair. One of them killed someone. An egghead? What?

One of the eggheads killed someone. Allegedly. Pushed him into a canal and then just left him. You can't killed someone. An egghead? What? One of the eggheads killed someone. Allegedly. Pushed him into a canal and then just left him. You can't do that. I know. What?

He's not an egghead anymore, is he? I think he was. He was an egghead for ages and then he just revealed it in his autobiography and everyone was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on a minute.

Is the statue of limitations for murder? Everyone was like, what? Google that. One minute. Nah, I never knew that. Harry's nodding,

so I've not made this up. There's no statute of limitations for murder in this country. No? No. It was CJ. And he did it in Amsterdam, I think.

I think he did it abroad. Oh, well, that's fine. You can murder anyone. So did he get in trouble? All true. What happens in the dam

stays in the dam. He wasn't on egg eggs. He went to court. What happened? God. He just lost his job. Oh, he was accused of sexual assault in the same year. That's a bad year for CJ there.

It's actually, it's come up in... What a terrible year. I think he's just a bad guy, wasn't he? Yeah, so... So not egg eggs. One of the egg eggs killed someone. Sorry, that's just my trivia about Eggheads.

And the fella off The Chase shags his cousin. Na-na-na-na. You see how much weight he's lost? The Beast? Yeah, he's skinny now. He's fucking shagging his cousin, that's why. He's lost 10 stone. He's been putting cars in his store, he left, right and centre.

Yeah. What? No, 10 stone. What was he, about 30-odd? He's a big man. He was a big guy he was the beast didn't he yeah any cousins that you'd fancy excuse me just your cousins just yours you've never met any of my cousins i know i can't say yours because i think dolly's lovely i genuinely i'm not doing that banter she's a wonderful woman uh should we do things i believed let? Let's do it. Do it.

I never knew that. How did someone from Eggheads murder someone and it wasn't Judith Keppel? What? What did murder Judith Keppel?

No, like, she didn't do it. I never knew that. I've never trusted her, you know. No. Sutton and Barra. Yeah.

She looks like someone who, like, in, like, an ITV drama would be in the first episode just like, oh, I'm just trying to get over the death

of my husband and all my dogs and then at the end she killed all her dogs and used my husband and all my dogs. She's Joanna Lumley. And at the end of it, she killed all her dogs and used her husband's body to clean them up. Joanna Lumley?

That's her player? You've just got an irrational dislike of that celebrity. She's a celebrity. Judith Keppel. She was the first ever winner, wasn't she, of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

Lids, if you've got any really out of nowhere dislikes for celebrities, will you send them in to haveawordpod at gmail.com? Because I think there's more of these than people realise I just don't trust her

two dead ex-husbands Judith Keppel yep I'm onto something here mate and she knew the queen irrational celebrity beefs we'll call it that

irrational celebrity beefs send them in at have a word pod I think there's something to pull out here I think it's the word Keppel no it's a big stupid fucking old woman head

a big fucking murder she wrote face Joanna A big fucking murder she wrote face. Joanna Lumley head? Murder she wrote face. Yeah, she looks like, what's her name? Murder she wrote. Angela Lansbury. Angela Lansbury.

She looks like an evil Angela Lansbury. She does though, you know what I mean? And she always has mad jewellery on. She's always got like big jewellery and it looks like she's collecting the jewels of all the fellas. The teeth of dead on. She's always got like big jewellery that it looks like she's collecting the jewels of all the fellas. Yeah, it's the teeth of dead people.

Where's his jewels? He's dead. But who's stolen his jewels? Watch if she can... I don't like her. I don't trust her. Have a word pod at gmail.com. Like genuinely, obviously,

we always like occasionally get like an offer of like a celebrity for the pod and we do pursue some of them and try and get certain people on. I don't think I'd want Judith Keppel in no I think I'd be like

do you know what I think she'd like one of us would end up going missing and she'd be and she's probably so good at it that she's like

she's obviously still getting away with it she's still on Nuggets and a stand up shit so not into it bad Judith Keppel what joke

Adam's coming for no I'm not coming for her at all. I want nothing to do with her. Staying away, if anything. He's got to think about his jewels. When are you buying jewels? I'd love it. I hate jewelry.

Adam doesn't like jewelry, famously. Proper like fucking Bobby George. Or Judith Keppel. Is that why you hate her? Because she hates loads of jewelry. I just don't i i've like i'm talking about it right now it's bothering me i've i've held this in for years and it's time to finally talk about it i honestly if you give me the like the choice to be in a room with like ted

bundy or judith keppel i'm taking ted every day of the week. And he didn't wear jewellery. He only killed women as well. You're fine. Exactly. Right. Wow. What? Things we believed. Finn?

Nah, I never knew that. You could be round the day as a teen. She'd just wink at the butler and then you'd just be gone. I want to hear more about this. You know what I mean? Like she'd be there and you'd be like, oh, lovely Veal.

And she'd be like, yeah, Veal is it veal and she'd be like yeah veal is it yeah that's actually Jeff they were killed last week and then she winks at the butler and then you'd find her no way she's gone

and then you're the veal next week yeah next thing you know Robbie Fowler's around there eating Adam Rowe's legs oof

why do people keep having tea with Judith Kebbell can't resist that's her podcast you think Robbie Fowler can resist tea with Judith Kebbell? Can't resist. That's her podcast. You think Robbie Fowler can resist tea with Judith Kebbell? You're mad. And by the way, I'm not accusing of any of this.

I'm just saying I believe it. You wouldn't be surprised if it happened. If it come out she's been like a serial killer, like she's responsible for hundreds of unsolved cases, I'd be like, told yous. I just get a smell with some people. Have you ever been near her? There's something fucking wrong with me.

I smell her through the telly. Hang on. Judith Keppel. Do you even know who she is? I can't picture her. She looks like Joanna Manley. Look at her. Look at that picture.

I already Googled her. Oh, I'm into her. Oh, like a same age Theresa May. Right. Tell me there's no secret behind those eyes, mate. Turn that laptop to them. Why have you picked the worst quality picture? Oh, mate.

Oh. She's seen things, eh? What? Disgusting. Should we She's seen things, eh? What? Disgusting. Should we just fucking pie things we believed? Because apparently Jude the Keppel just took over. Also, they've gone weak anyway, so fuck them. Let's do some confessions.

Good call. Good call. Bert says, how are we we Lids? I've got Bert we've got a listener called Bert how are we Lids?

I've got a confession for you I'm an OG patron on another patron account I had which got me tickets in the front row of the have a word thank you show in Cain's Brewery

at the end of a boss show it's really interesting because that's not what it was it was? content? yeah that's not Cain's Brewery it's like interesting because that's not what it was it was content yeah that's not Cainsbury

it's like a shipping container Cainsbury it is it's next to Cainsbury it is yeah but it wasn't in there at the end of a

you're an idiot it's been fun today at the end of a boss show and an amazing night Ishan rocks up with ice cream and you guys

are throwing yourselves off the stage oh that 20 minutes might be up there for my favorite ever like moments of stage that the four years this is how drunk i was when we were all doing that was a couple of years had done it and i went right it's my go and you went to me dan you went adam

you've got live at the apollo in like two weeks time you don't want to like fracture your shoulder or something and i went yeah and then just immediately ran into the crowd you don't want to like fracture your shoulder or something and i went yeah and then just immediately ran and jumped into the crowd you don't miss a chance to stage that how many opportunities do you go loads such a special teddies tonight could i could i fuck get to the bar and i didn't want to miss the mayhem the stage door was just a fire door into the alleyway outside i was sat right next to it the one and only fred only Freddie Quinn had left four beers on the wall and no one was looking. I mind swept two of Freddie's tinnies

for me and my mate. Do I deserve any germane penance or is it fuck Freddie, can't drink anyway now. Done him a favor. Cheers, boys. That's from Bert. I think you should make this decision, Dan,

being that he's one of your boys. What, one of my mind sweeping boys? I think you've done him a favour because he nearly fucking died in an iron lung, so... Do you not respect him as one of your fellow sweepers? Is that a good move? Fire door, two cans? Is that a regular move?

If there's four bevvies there, would you be more likely to swipe one of them? Or do you just, you often go for the single bevvy swipe? Oh, I'd take four beers. I'd take the whole four beers. I'd steal Freddie Quinn. I'd mind-sweep Freddie Quinn. He'd be in my basement he's only he hasn't done enough there has he yeah oh yeah absolutely steal this credit card for the four yeah steal the famous phrase yeah that's what he says steal his wallet just buy more beer with it that's mine that's real mind sweeping credit card for her oh my god can't speak. You need to have sex.

Okay, cool. See you in a bit. No, you're fine. Don't worry about it, Bert. Don't worry about it. You might have to give Freddie an extra 10 minutes on his life. You might have. Yeah, genuinely.

And I hope they're really bad 10 minutes. Freddie might really value that. Maybe he's just trying to finish getting something done just before he passes away. Maybe he's in the bank on hold trying to get his card unf for all that so he can buy a yacht for one of his friends.

Also, by the way, Freddie didn't pay for them fucking drinks. He mind-swept them from us. Although he was a guest on the show. He was, yeah. Yeah, yeah. But he didn't pay for them, so don't feel bad. No, we pay for them. But it would be a dickhead way to get thrown out if a bouncer saw you in an alleyway and just hoid you out.

You took the risk and succeeded. Bird. Anonymous. Lids, anonymous confession here. I'm 28 and I've been with my girlfriend for four years. I'm doing a PhD and tutor maths for a bit of extra income. Basically, my confession is, I kiss one of the girls I'm

tutoring and I really think there's something there with her. She's doing her A levels but she's 18, so it's not like it's out of order. Do I deserve penance? You're a pedophile? How old's this guy? You're a fucking pedophile? He's 28.

She's 18. You're a pedophile? 10 years. He's not a pedophile. He's a pedophile. He's an amoebophile, isn't he? He's a pedophile. He's not any of those now.

He's a power abusing pedophile. He's just wrong. She's 18. Yeah, but she's a teenager. He's a pedophile. What do you think he is? Oh, he also puts, I love Judith Keppel at the end of the message. Is that a position of power?

It is, isn't it? Yeah. So then he is breaking the law? It's illegal. Yeah. He's breaking the law. Yeah. When you write in to us for these confessions, it's not supposed to be that the law yeah when you write in

to us for these confessions it's not supposed to be that you've done something properly illegal and really bad it's meant to be I did something funny and what should I do

to pay back for this like what you should do is stop kissing your students you big paedophile we won't afford this to the metropolitan police the metropolitan wow

are they in London yeah yeah they're the big guys yeah he lives in fucking Wigan. Yeah. But they'll want to know.

Don't kiss children. Quite a blanket term. Again, technically, it's not a child, is it? No, but they have a child-adult relationship, don't they? Because he's a teacher. It is a position of trust. The power dynamic is wealth. It's like, you know, any position of trust.

Traffic warden. Can't go kissing. What happens if she was tutoring him can he kiss her then what if she was 18 and tutoring yeah

he can and what's he being tutored for at 28 by an 18 year old maths she's really good at it he's not he's been held back a lot

yeah and she's like look at you balding is he allowed to kiss her then um he sure what if she's wearing a tennis outfit and she says is he allowed to kiss her then um he sure

what if she's wearing a tennis outfit and she says hey fuck these numbers off they're boring why don't you smoke my bum all is she the tutor in this one no she's the student

no it's still wrong Dan what if she just fine pedophilia what if she writes boobs on a calculator upside down and goes suck mine

I think it's still wrong I think it's just fine pedophilia it's not pedophilia it is pedophilia this is where steven arkin started started it's like this is where steven arkin started we have all had a stroke the one on purpose all right yeah don't be kissing kids tell me any fans unless you are kids and then it's absolutely fine i saw some kids yesterday uh on twitter and he said when he was 11, he Googled, no, he porn-hubbed whatever 12-year-olds. Because he was 11, he thought it was okay.

How bad's that? He's like, I'm going up in it, but it was obviously... I like an older lady. A year eight. Awful. What is morally more acceptable though? At 11? Is it right for him to be panning after like milfs?

Because that is way out of his age range, isn't it? It's making the milfs pedophiles as well. You just shouldn't be on porn at 11. You're going to fucking frazzle your noggin. As in fucking hustler, mate. That must be so common for kids to be on porn and it's fucking awful, innit? If I had the internet when I was 11, I would have googled

like, Fanny, isn't there? Mate, I'd be down with jizzing. No, but I mean, like, but now it's so easy. That is a thorough argument, by the way. Shit, it's short. When were 11 what? we had the internet

like just at our fingertips in 2005? 2003? I don't think it was like it's so easy you know you've got it

in your pocket that's what I mean yeah but you did have it at home yeah but you had like a laptop or a home computer and you're telling me

you never once put fanning in it I don't think so no I think I was scared you're a fucking liar and a fool you did and you did but I mean it must be so easy for kids

to get their brains fried now just by awful shit. Do you think you're stopping it as clicking, yes, I'm 18? That's it. The internet's coming towards the end, isn't it? Have you heard about the dead internet theory? What's going on? Do you know what dead internet theory is?

I've never heard of it. Dead internet theory is that once there's more bots than actual humans uh posting and reacting and interacting with stuff which we are getting so close to and we're probably already there now that will become so overwhelming so quickly because like now especially if you go on facebook facebook is a perfect example of where the rest of the internet is headed because there's less actual humans using it than are still using the likes of Instagram and stuff. If you go on your Facebook and just have a scroll, eventually you will get to like an AI generated image, right?

That was posted by a bot account and it'll have a million likes on it and 250,000 comments and all of the likes are from bots and all of the comments are from bots and all of the comments are from bots and the image was created by a bot and it was posted by a bot and it's bots interacting with bots and once that is everywhere else you will go on your instagram feed and because the the way the algorithms work maybe they'll tweak the internet eats itself it eats itself

because you'll go on Instagram and the last thing that you'll see is a bot poster picture with loads of likes and comments from bots because the algorithm goes, oh, this is a popular thing. We should show this to a lot of people. Once there's like the infinite amount of bot accounts that are doing this, you'll never see my clips.

You'll never see your clips. You'll never see your clips. You'll never... And the internet dies. Well, Facebook's struggling because people are leaving it so it just leaves the bots. I feel like Twitter is not as good. Twitter's awful.

Twitter's gone worse. Instagram still feels all right, you know. Tits. But I suppose that's the way it's going, isn't it? Yeah. Wow. Twitter's nearly gone. And there's no algorithm

that can be put in place to avoid the bots well or they have to do sort of constant detection on bot accounts to be like oh that's a bot account and they'll close it or ban it or shadow ban it or whatever um it's just at some point the ai accounts and the ai in general will catch up with the algorithms and be able to know what the algorithm wants because you gotta you gotta remember like if this is humans posting you're constantly trying to like catch up with the algorithm because you can only post in your account source every so often if you're an ai software that wants to get all the attention of a social media platform like instagram you could create a billion accounts in seconds and make a billion posts that are all tweaked

in different ways see which one does the best and then go right that's what the algorithm wants and then post something similar to that on the 1 billion accounts you've just created so the algorithm gets outrun basically it's whether the the they can put ai in place that is constantly changing the algorithm so that AI can't catch up with it. And whether the other AI can outrun the algorithm. It's so nerdy and it's fascinating. And God knows what the future holds. Because the only reason for these bot accounts right now

to be actually doing this is because they then essentially try and monetize the accounts they create because they get loads of followers, they get loads of likes, and they can go can go hey look how many interactions we're getting but once the world doesn't care about interactions because they know they're all fake there'll be no money in it which might mean that they stop right mental right i just want to make people laugh on twitter and what's mad is i haven't read up on a single thing i've just said but it all sounds really feasible doesn't it he's i'm reading it you're right you're hitting all the points they are i feel good for like 65 year old women who are still using facebook going i'm getting a lot of likes but they're not

just going to like the photographs of all right okay i think it's what they want you know everyone's not on here anymore but these these new friends of mine that I follow my mum got that have you seen the scam where it's your

children they've got a new phone number oh yeah mum got done with the day and she rang me well she didn't get done she rang me and went yeah I've got a text saying

you've changed the number I was like it's a scam mum she was like alright okay I was going to call her and they call into AI voice going oh I've lost my phone will you transfer me x amount of money so i can buy a new phone apparently it's a really really really popular like easy scam fucking rat uh break showy break yeah let's all change our clothes as well yeah let's all have a change i

feel warm enjoy tommy this last week last week with Tommy in it oh well yeah I'm not as women our life stages come with unique risk factors like high blood pressure developed during pregnancy which can put us

two times more at risk of heart disease or stroke know your risks visit heartandstroke.ca hey oh what Visit heartandstroke.ca It's good to be here, man. Mutual friend of ours, Mr. Daniel Sloss, sent me a seven-minute voice note just going, I've got a friend, I'm working with him, he's getting into stand-up.

Seven-minute? Yeah, he rambles a lot, Sloss. Yeah, he does, doesn't he? Just getting ready to... Anyway. How you doing? Yeah, man, I'm really good. It's good to be here, man. I listened to the Shane Gillis episode on the way up here.

That was very exciting. Good episode. I was really trying to spot the homeless man in the suit on the way here. He's dead. Oh, he's dead. Oh, yeah. Sadly, Peter's died.

Oh, what the fuck? He died last year. Really? Mate, they've given him a plaque. Is there a plaque on the floor where he used the bus? Oh, no. Yeah, Peter's dead. Well, this is shit.

Crack and start, Tommy. I'm not going to lie. I did see the one who you walk past and he'd go he'd sort of compliment you and I thought oh yeah I do feel the

guilt the one with no legs I think yeah he was sat on the floor so it was hard to it could be it could be either way no the one with no legs

is always in a wheelchair yeah he's always in a wheelchair there's the one walking past drinking a drink and he went you get a drink of all of England with that

and I went that's almost an incident. He's the mayor. That's not a homeless guy. He's got the keys to the city. No, there's the guy, I remember who we were talking about on the podcast, the guy who compliments you all the time. Yeah.

He, I've seen him go through all the stages of having legs. Because he had to. What? There's only one stage and then you haven't got one. No, no, no. Because he had to. What? There's only one stage, and then you haven't got one. No, no, no, because he had one for a bit.

Like, genuinely, he did. He's the one who sits outside Central Station, and he never asks you to buy the big issue. He never, like, asks you for money. All he said, he just goes, thank you, have a nice day, mate. Thank you. You look lovely there, girl.

Have a nice day. Thank you. That's all he does. He didn't say that. I didn't see him. That's probably not him. What? Like Troy. Thank you. That's all he does. He didn't say that. I didn't see him. That's probably not him. What? Like Troy Hawk?

Yeah. He blames the students. He used to busk. Because he did the drugs, didn't he? Oh, no. He used to ask them for money. And because they gave him money, he took drugs and lost his legs.

He blames the students. And this is what I was thinking when I was watching the podcast episode. blames the student. And this is what I was thinking when I was watching the podcast episode. What drugs do you do? From doing drugs to losing your leg, what's the middle bit?

What's the leg losing drug? Go with all of the drugs. So I think it's when you take- No, Hank! Is that like a thing? It's when you take so many drugs or substances that your body stops functioning properly and blood will stop getting to certain bits.

It can cause blood clots. Blood clots can make you lose your legs. Diabetes, untreated diabetes. Yeah, he was off his tits on Fanta. Uncle Carl there with a really hard line. If you do drugs, your legs will drop out. Carl's future kid just having a doobie. And he's like, oh, great.

Eventually, yeah yeah you will what you've do all the drugs I went all the drugs in together ah yeah yeah no one's ever bunned so many zoots

that their legs have fell off I feel like I'm back in year nine this is George Martin you listen to the Shane Gillis episode which is what

two and a half years old no just about two two years old and we're still doing the same shit hey immediately like right go we know what we're still doing the same shit hey to me didn't he like

rise go we know what we're doing here Joe was mental in that as well you sort of like like really accurately predicted Jake Paul's like boxing rise

did we you're like oh man I hope he boxes Nate Diaz oh imagine if to that he boxes a real boxer and you don't mention what's the one with the

lisp Tyson is it Mike Tyson. Oh, Mike. I imagine the big bald fella. But yeah, no. Did you mean with the lisp?

Did you not mean Mike Tyson? I meant Mike Tyson, yeah. Now he's doing that. But I just thought, wow. I just thought, congratulations, guys. Well, hopefully. Because I think we also have talked about one of these guys fighting a polar bear.

And that is where I'd like it to end. That would be great. Well, no. Khabib Namagamadov he used to punch bears head in yeah but they were his mates those bears were like yeah

your sound he's like scrapping with baby bears listen I not a big one for the sort of the YouTuber

versus the boxer I'm into that fight I'm I'm into Tyson versus what are you talking about? I want to see it. You turn the way around, it's a fix.

Whoever wins, it's a fix. I don't get it. Hang on, boss. That's the stupidest thing you've said in four years on this show. What? Whatever way around, it's a fix. None of it's real, is it? It's all an exhibition.

It's not a real fight. No, it's a pro fight. No matter who wins, you'll be... What I mean is the whole fight isn't real. I don't care who wins. I'm like, oh, Mike Tyson won that. It's not a real fight. No, it's a pro fight. No matter who wins, you'll be... No, what I mean is the whole fight isn't real. I don't care who wins. I'm like, oh, Mike Tyson won that. It's all not real. It's lose-lose for Jake Paul. Because if he loses to Mike Tyson... Do you think it's totally rigged?

Even the punches? Like, to the point when they're doing it... No, it's not rehearsed. Right. So how is it rigged? You mean like wrestling? Like, there's points they have to hit? I don't think one of us getting knocked out in the first round, I think they've got to let it go. I don't think it's not real. It's an exhibition.

Well, they've got me. I'm in. I want to see Tyson absolutely fucking level him. If he does that, then it looks bad on Jake Paul because you've just been beaten by an old man and it's just, what are you doing? And then if he beats Mike Tyson, it's like, what are you doing to that old man?

That is a lose-lose, isn't it? It really is a lose-lose. Leave that fucking polar bear alone. You talk about being fixed. I think it is. If you watch a lot of Jake Paul's fights, this is me being with me conspiracy tinfoil hat on. There's loads of apparent moments where

he'll do that with his hand and then the next punch is the one that he wins with. And it's like he's going to the fella and about to punch in the face. I beat up an old man to be on Netflix. I don't think that is, I think it's a bit of a win for him. I might have to,

with the amount of money I've just spent filming my specials. It's live on Netflix. It's one of their like, it's like the roast of Tom Brady. It's going to be streamed live. Or everybody's in LA with John Mulaney. Anyone else like John Mulaney?

I love John Mulaney. Me too. Was he doing a daily? He did a daily like, it was fucking awesome. It was like a podcast early, wasn't it? It was like a weird. Chat show-y podcast. Yeah, it was fucking awesome.

And everyone kept taking the piss. I was looking for growing hair like this. He's got curtains, hasn't he? Oh, but he looks great. He looks phenomenal. Okay. He really does. No, I'm joking.

You're cutting into Tom. He should have. No, I know. I'm telling you Adam. You're cutting to. He should have said. If he grows any more hair, he's going to be giving compliments at a central station. Well, the fella's bald. If anything, he looks more like you. Yeah, that's true.

Have you been offered any- Glad that got shut down. Any YouTuber boxing or anything, Tommy? I have, yeah. Who? Who do you want? I don't want. Come on, do a call out. And I'd say this. Who? Who do you want? I don't want. Come on, do a call out.

And I'd say this. Have you seen me? So? What's wrong with that? Yeah. They've got weight rankings. Precision beats power. And also, you could get in the gym.

Call out a former boxer. I want to do, like, a comedy. I don't want to punch anyone. Lennox Lewis. Yeah, call him out. Oh, he's quite old now. Who's that? Lennox is shit.

Dead small. Yeah, the Creator Clash people, they messaged me, and I thought, ugh, I can't do that. You're not a fighter? yeah call him out he's quite old who's that Lennox is shit dead small the creator clash people they messaged me and I thought ugh not I can't do that you're not a fighter

no I'm really not I've never been in a single fight really because I just look like I'd be getting beat up we have loads because we've spoken about this

a few times over the years and we've had a few people who are just like I've never been in fights I've never been in a fight I know yeah and that is apparently I have

because I've punched someone you think I'll get a fight I been in fights. I've never been in a fight. I know. Yeah, and that is- Apparently I have because I've punched someone. You think all that a fight? I think it's a fight. Yeah. No, it is a fight. I think they have to throw a punch back for it to be a fight. It's just bullying, otherwise. So are you saying-

I dodged it. Well, I've just got deja vu, right? So Ben Askren didn't fight Masvidal? No. Because I had kneed off his shoulders. But it was a fight? Yeah, I know. I know you mean it.

You've never thrown a punch? I've been punched. Oh. I've been bullied. I guess that's... No, I've never... By Carl. Was it Carl that threw the punch?

Carl. That's me. Oh, all right. Can we just do a name reminders? Because it has been meeting a lot of white guys today and it's just... It's just really nice but

he refused to meet the black ones it's not true there are no this Carl this is Carl

this is Finn the Fintern Finn the Fintern this is Adam not homeless row

Adam and I'm Dan so what you've done there is around the same thing, you've added a whole extra thing. Yeah, just I'm giving you a little memory clue. Kyle, Finn, Dan. Yeah, Dan. Adam.

So sorry. Oh, so sorry. I wouldn't mind doing boxing again if my shoulder wasn't bad. Have you done boxing? Yeah. Yeah. Boxing. I go to school every day, man.

Boxing with a comic. But also when I was a kid, I was fighting every couple of days. boxing? Yeah. Yeah. Boxing. Boxing was a school every day, man. Boxing was a comic. But also, when I was a kid, I was fighting every, you know, every couple of days. Really? Yeah. Like, genuinely? Prize.

Like, genuinely, when I was a kid, we had loads of fights. Yeah. So, like, every couple of days. A hundred and... Oh, right. Okay, okay.

Like, that's every couple of days, isn't it? Yeah. If I said to you a couple of days ago, you it? A couple of days is a week or less. If I said to you a couple of days ago, you don't think I meant Monday. If I said a couple of days ago, if I said to you I did Top Secret a couple of days ago, you wouldn't go, no, you didn't!

That was Sunday! So we're talking 60, 70 fights a year, potentially. Like a kickboxer. 70 fights a year. What do you reckon your record is erm Tom Simpson one against Adam you've got to go quicker with the number of fights you've done no these are losses

it's quicker to fight them no it is quicker to count them like I've got a pretty fucking solid record I think I'm two losses two like a couple of hundred wins what I know about Adam he could be bleeding

in a gutter going yeah I've got a few good punches in there yeah walk away you'd never never accept the loss Adam you've gone blind no I haven't

don't worry blood oh I suppose I lost to Elliot if that counts sanctioned fights yeah yeah so three losses couple of hundred wins

I can understand the instinct of not wanting to fight do you got did you get offered a youtuber it was like it was like do you sort of want to get into the office the first tentative i have mates that have fought that are like scrawny little dickhead like me and then have got involved and i'm just like i don't know why you would do that i think there's money in it but it's not the adrenaline as well surely it's a big buzz and you just do drugs at that point

wouldn't you get the adrenaline what's his face I lose a leg but I'll be fucking you'd rather be him than have a boxing match yeah but wouldn't it

have you ever had dreams of getting like fucking jacked no good on you mate no I'm not I go to the gym but I'm more of a

sort of do it so you have a better day kind of guy. It's never clicked in my head. What do you do in the gym? What's your favourite move? My favourite move? I love the chest press.

That's me. And you get to about here and then you go, oh my God, and you keep pushing and you do it. Just lower the weight down, lad. You can do a lot of standing. Do one rep. I do my one rep and then I

go home and that's my favourite bit. Do you have someone helping you with that though? Because I've got

a little bit of anxiety about the old chess one. You mean like the actual free bar? No, I'm not the free bar.

I don't want to get caught under it. You need to get a spot of them. You need to ask someone in the gym.

I regularly get asked. I don't do the bench much myself, but I'm at the goal. I really spot me. It means stand

behind me, make sure I don't kill myself. No one's ever asked me to spot. Oh, I get asked all the time. Whenever I'm myself but I'm at the goal I really spot me it means stand behind me make sure I don't kill myself no one's ever asked me to spot oh I get asked all the time whenever I'm in a gym everyone just assumes I own it

or work there yeah I was just looking at me I am he owns this yeah is he John Lloyd you need to get someone

to make sure you don't drop it on your neck and kill yourself yeah yeah yeah I understand I just I'd rather not do that

I was thinking that who's John Lloyd David I meant David Lloyd John thinking that I meant David Lloyd I meant David Lloyd Oh god There's Peter Lloyd and there's David Lloyd but there's no John Lloyd Hang on we'll cut it out

It'll definitely get cut out David Lloyd Nailed it I can't handle the social interaction of asking someone to spot me Why? Yeah

No just everyone just wants to be left alone You don't want to chat to people in the gym do you? It's just Aye mate will you just

hold this for me there lad yeah and then you No but if Put your balls near my head If we're being serious if I was in the gym

just like pumping the iron getting stuff done and someone was like take a break from that to come and watch me do it I'd be like no ask your mum she's over there

you need to talk to her more stop working out separately ask your mum like that's none of my business though is it that's John Lloyd like why are you ruining my day I've got 45 minutes

I've got a 45 minute workout to do and then I've got to go on and get on with running my life you know what I mean I can't be watching you fucking pump this shit all day. So different reasons, same outcome. Adam just doesn't want to help people. I can't be arsed with the, excuse me.

I resent that. I help people all the time. No, you've literally just said the reason you don't want to do it is because you can't be arsed helping someone. No, it's not that. It's that I'm busy doing my own thing at the time. If I was in mine and you were like, come to the gym and spot me,

and I wasn't doing anything, I'd absolutely go and help you. What the fuck made-up world is that? Adam, come round, yeah, drive round to my gym, John Lloyd, and come and spot me. You'd be like, yeah, I'll be there. Yeah, I'm doing nothing. No, you wouldn't.

If I wasn't busy, I'd help you out but if i'm bit like it's strangers as well on the spot doing me jumping jacks and stuff like and you're like come and spot me i'd be like i'm a bit fucking busy daniel i do what i was wondering when he asked me to spot them i go i won't be able to grab this lad we're both fucked if you drop this you're dead i pretend but if you like i might not be able to lift it up some of them are big guys no you'd be able to do that with it whatever you could chest whatever they could chest press you're nothing yeah if you're working together on it and you're like pulling it and he's but it is a if it falls on his neck he's dead i'll have to

run and get someone by that he's choked even if it's just like neck 10 kilograms on each side 10 like what if he's like you know know, oh, I could do that. I'll do it for him. But I'm always worried if the big guys ask me, but they never do. Yeah, well, the big guys probably have to ask

another big guy, don't they? That's what I mean, yeah. Yeah. Like me. Yeah. Big guys go for, like, Tommy, you know what I mean? Yeah, sorry, man.

Look at that man's hands, mate. They're really, really... You've got a good frame, though. Thank you. You know what I mean? you could really build on that wow you're really boosting my esteem man talking with authority never stops working out

he's always in the gym been shadowboxing this week in the sauna oh my god they took it down though didn't they I hate the punch bag in the gym. I think it's obnoxious as fuck. Really, Mike doesn't have a punch bag.

Well, they've taken ours down. It's one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. Because of you. I fucking hope so. It attracts pricks. Yes, Rob. Who's going into the gym to fucking hit a bag? All these beta males, mate.

Can't handle an outfit just working out in the corner. They all look like absolute murderers. They've taken it down. I hope you're... Listen, the manager of Total Fitness, Jester, good on you. I hope you're watching. I hope it's not just it got fucking ripped or something.

It'd be great. You know, you said you were invited and approached. That's because you're a content creator. This is a content creator's boxing thing yeah yeah yeah and you've been creating content how old are you now 20 and you started when you were nine is that right fuck uh more like sort of 13 got properly into it yeah 13 14 but we we had a bit of research like harry who sort of looked into our guests and stuff said you originally started a youtube channel and then people from school found out about it.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you took that down. Was that younger than 13? Pardon? Was that younger than 13? That was, what's year seven? That was year six and year seven. That was 11 and 12, and then I took a break,

and then 14, I started, like, sort of back ended being 14. But why was it, what made you, what happened at school where- I started that channel, I was Channel Nutpig, and I managed to get about 200 you? What happened at school? I started that channel. I was Channel Nut Pig, and I managed to get about 200 subscribers. What was your name?

Channel Nut Pig. Channel Nut Pig. Because... That's what I call your mum, by the way. That's what I call his mum. She's a pig and I'm nutting her. There you go. Can you do the maths on that one?

Do you know what it means? Do you know what it means? Johnny Innuendo. I do know what it means? What? Do you know what it means? Johnny Innuendo. Oh, do you know what it means? Yeah, yeah. This is before I knew what. It was nothing to do with coming in anyone's mother at the time. It was...

Well, it will be now forever. Now it's ruined. But yeah, so I sort of was like, oh, this is sick. Yeah, this is well cool. And so I started like telling people at school. I was like, you know, I'm channelinging up big and i was showing them my channel and at one point in english class in year seven you know in year seven before like you have a concept of that people can start people aren't like fucking assholes do you yet yeah at least they weren't to me so i was like

everyone's awesome and everyone's going to be really nice about this so i started like telling people and then in english i was like oh yeah let's watch one let's watch one this would be great and this is now like any other year you go no everyone's like oh cool and then it got around school people started going you're right shall not pig i went hang up this is the worst part they they i was i was in nottingham so they missed they couldn't pronounce channel so they went oh you're right chanel nut pig that's not the perfume chanel the new fragrance chanel nut pig chanel number five and also nut pig yeah you're right chanel and i was like oh oh no i don't like this because i thought at first they were saying it with a nice tone and

then it gradually became clear i was in i was in like tops out everything but third set maths when i was in third set maths that's when I was like oh no hang on this Chanel nut pig thing isn't actually that cool which I know is sort of shocking to say to you guys

but at the time it was like oh no was there no one else with a YouTube channel were you the only kid out there with the I think everyone else wasn't an only child

and knew about bullying and was like well let's not tell everyone about this thing that I'm excited about. I think it's so funny that in your school, the bit of channel nut pig that your bullies picked up on was channel and not nut pig.

You know what I've just done to him? If that was any year seven in our school, then they'd have been your ma's a nut it was a pig it was year seven so no one was like wanking it's like just before people got all hormonal and i bet it was a year later yeah easy yeah not pigging everywhere there's a nut pig around every corner. Some of the memories. Primary school. We're all shagging and fighting. Yeah, I stopped.

And then also I made, before I made my YouTube channel TommyInnit, I made like my personal Instagram for school and Snapchat TommyInnit. Because I was like, that's just a sick name, innit? TommyInnit instead of Tom Simons. And then people started making fun of me for that.

But then I like changed my name. You're two between there, aren't you? that are making fun of me for that but then i like block i like change my name what i've learned is i shouldn't be naming things yeah i gave myself nicknames at school it never goes well no need to call me rowing yeah should i power ballad alice calm down it's fucking worked out but here's the thing i've really so a few i then was like okay i shouldn't be tommy in it so i made my name like what you see was like tom.14 underscore like however old you were there was some weird like everyone had the cool do you guys remember the cool instagram names handles no you're all much older than me. He is over twice your age. Yeah. Dan started his Instagram after this podcast started.

Really? And that's all right, though. Yeah. Yeah, no, it's all right, man. And that's all right. My MySpace is going really well. So you can all fuck off. Fucking hell.

But yeah, I really liked the name Tommy in it. I was like, no, I can't lose this to these frauds. This is a sick name. So I made all my new accounts. And then i went through and i blocked everyone from my school it took me like a whole evening on my tommy unit account so they never find it that's a low point it yeah it really was yeah year 10 sat alone in my bedroom blocking everyone like yeah one day i'm going to change the world okay that's a good one subscribers you have now um 14 million yeah i think

it was a good choice wasn't it and two world records i do have two world records you got two world records

two world records guinness book guinness book and everything i've got i had sorry just one sec really want to hear you

everyone's got world records but have they got guinness book world records? That's so funny. What else? Is there another? There isn't another one?

No, I don't know. Do you know how much they are to get done? It's like a tenner. Is it? Yeah. Not even, well,

someone else did it for their video. I'm doing this video where I get YouTubers world records. Do you want two? And I was like, why are you even fucking asking me? Of course I want to world record you just went a lot you went it was it was one was for uh i had like the most popular

twitch stream light of all time for like six months and then i had uh most followed minecraft account on twitch oh wow i want to i want a world record and here i am tooting my own horn about guinness book it's class yeah i want a guinness book in the world i want a guin. And here I am tooting my own horn about it. Guinness book. It's class. Yeah, I want a Guinness book. You're just such a fool. In the world. I want a Guinness-based Guinness book world record. Nice. Here we go.

They're definitely turning up to... I see. I got tagged loads a couple of weeks ago, and I don't know whether it's been broken since, but apparently there was a fella in the 80s or the 70s or the 40s or something, and he's sad. Human history.

And he had, I think it was... Was it 21? 21 pints of Guinness in one sitting. And I'm telling you, for a fact, I'll make him look like an absolute fucking knobhead. Yeah. I'll blitz 21. It's a history of alcoholism in the family.

It's a bold one to go for, isn't it? Hang on. In one sitting, you're not allowed to move to plop. Oh, I thought it was just like in one night. One sitting? I mean, are they going hard line as in in one sitting, as in like by the... You can't stand up.

You can't stand up. I'll just do it on the bog. Oh, God. With some pork hunt from the Guinness Book of World Records. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh God. Someone with IBS is doing this world record.

Phenomenal. Like if, is that a loophole in that though? Would I be able to get the world record? Even the moment, I only want it once.

Someone else can go and break it. It's a title with an asterisk. I'm afraid it's one of them. There's a real sort of cost to that. Guinness World Record for the most Guinness drank

in one sitting on a Japanese toilet. Yeah. Can you make your own ones? Yeah. But it just has to be verified by Guinness. I'm the first person

in the world to touch this three times. You know what I mean? Yeah, I don't think anyone's given you a certificate for that. Yeah, but I can beat that. Check it here.

Oh, it's Finn's record now. But can you make your own or do they have to go this is it, can you break it? You can go, to go this is it can you break it or do you you can't you can go

I don't think anyone's ever done this before come and watch me do it and then if they can be asked they'll come and watch it but it costs you the tenner but they decide what

is worthy of the world record I reckon it's shit that they're like oh yeah this will be cool to have in that book because they probably would think

yeah you can touch that but who who cares are you in the book like the physical book I'm not as well that's that, but who cares? Are you in the book? I'm not as well. That's the worst part. I thought they put me in the book and they didn't.

I know. I bought the book and everything in Waterstones and I was flicking through the pages like, oh, hang on. That's mad, because I am in the book. I'm in the book

for winning Best Joker the Fringe. That goes in the Guinness World Records for some reason. Well, for that year. Every year? Every year. They just add to it every year

I'm in the last like fucking seven or something oh it's all like conspiracy innit boxing and world records it all goes to the top yeah

it's big Guinness innit yeah yeah I want a Guinness based Guinness world record that's my new New Year's resolution the most G's split this is his new

Paris marathon and this one I think he's fucking doing what are you going to try and do well we said we wanted to do the longest podcast record ever didn't we This is his new Paris marathon. And this one, I think he's fucking doing. What are you going to try and do? Well, we said we wanted to do the longest podcast record ever. Didn't we? We talked about it.

What is the longest one? Well. There isn't one. There sort of isn't one. It was an odd episode with Dane Baptiste. Three hours, 20. That was an opinion-based three hours of my life three who's this um dame baptiste very good comedian um so i think it's a long stream in it i think that i don't think they specify in the in that we check surely that's long we just oh you're gonna love this my mate who's a streamer

just streamed his life truman show style so even when he sleeps never turned off the camera for 62 days wow i'm not even taking the piss who's how old is he uh 20 did he wank uh well he he would go for a shower and i kept going well surely that's when yeah you would so he wasn't you couldn't see him in the shower no so and then at that point the world record people are gonna get involved and go hang on we can't see him in the shower? No. So then at that point, the world record people are going to get involved and go, hang on, we can't see you in the shower. No, but you get breaks. You get breaks.

Hang on, what? So Mark Watson won the Guinness Book of World Records. He's got the longest comedy show. And within that, he was allowed, is something like five minutes an hour to get off stage and go to the toilet. And it still counts as the longest ever comedy show by one comic. Mark Watson's isn't by one comic.

It's by multiple. He's on a mixed bill. Is it a show? Oh. Tell you what, I bet that is the most fucking panic swipe you'd ever do in your life, innit? I thought he was there the whole time. I think he had to be.

I think, yeah. Yeah. I'm going to Google google it one sec the longest ever stream is 26 days i mean aside from this your friends it's 26 days i don't think we're doing that no i don't think i don't even want to we're all quite busy yeah it's it's his work mark record uh mark watson's show 36 hours he did that he was he had to be on the mic for a while. Really? So he had all the guests on the stage, he had all the comics on the stage, but within the world record,

it isn't like as soon as you step off the stage, that's the end of it. Was there an audience? You get like a, yeah, for the whole time. Like rolling audience, you could come and go as you went, as it went on, yeah. And obviously there was quieter times, you know, like at 5 a.m.,

but there wasn't always someone there. And then at the start, and then towards the end, as it got closer, it was at the Fringe. He very cleverly did it at the Fringe. Oh, yeah, that's smart, man. And so you've got loads of other comics to come on,

and you've got comedy fans that want to be a part of it, but he got, like, breaks to have a shit. So what do you want? You've got a personal one like him? He wants Guinness? I think he had a wank. I'd be the longest wank I'd go for the

world record would that be a monkey one that's gooning the longest as in before you finish there's a whole community I'd just edge

just edge gooning are people who edge for like days at a time what are they called gooning gooners have you been edging

the premier League for years. A little too much pause. Yeah, I'm just going to edge. There's no way you can edge longer than anyone else. What do you mean? There's no way you can edge. You're literally taking cum pills at the minute to stop yourself

jazzing too quickly. Is that a thing? And that's a PED. No, he's been cumming too quickly for decades, so he's started taking pills so that he can fuck his wife. The world record longest time spent masturbating is 10 hours and 10 minutes. I have got this, mate! I just need a couple of pills, some cocaine,

and I can make this happen. I can't be taking peds for the wanking world record. Oh, they don't need to know about it. I'll just be confident. What's the edging? When do you? I think it's from the first stroke to come, innit? But what's the sort of strokes?

Oh, yeah. BPM of the strokes, you know? I'm not being funny, but if I'm going like that, then I'm going to be fine? Or is there a sort of speed to it? I'll work that out. Don't worry about my world record. I will be TNCs, though.

You probably have to stroke with intent. It doesn't say that. So this isn't, surprisingly Guinness don't want to be involved in this. This is some sort of CD world record. There was another one at the same event for the longest, like the furthest you could get your.

Oh, I'm not. Give me 10 days, mate. I'll fucking put it over Kylie Minogue's head. Easy. Kylie Minogue. Yeah. Our big she-father. Famously, she's not far.

That's far. Who's the saddo that's measuring that? So it was 13... Cun's not far enough, pal. It went 13 feet. 13 feet? It's like four metres, that. How do you jizz forwards, man?

I think we've got a Patreon special coming. That's 26 six-inch subway butties. You should never measure jizz distance with butties. Oh, my God. So just to loop back around, are those cum pills real? Yeah. I've read into them a little bit more. That's ace.

I don't think they are for lasting. I think they're more for erectile dysfunction, which I didn't need them for. So I've just been like, God, I'm really in it here. It's ace. I don't think they are for lasting. I think they're more for erectile dysfunction, which I didn't need them for. So I've just been like, God, I'm really in it here. Is it like the opposite? No, it's kind of, yeah. I thought it was when you brought it up. I know it wasn't. It's a placebo effect, see? I told you to just have

some minstrels. In the corner. Honestly, I think 10 hours is doable. 10 hours. I'll do it at the fringe we'll get a crowd in there'll be quiet times 5 a.m get all the comics on stage mate you'd be red raw wouldn't he do it red raw do you want the problem would be would be keeping it there sustaining them because i've been accidentally spiking myself with erectile dysfunctional pills. Dysfunctional pills?

So you just take a Viagra and just have loads of cream? Ten hours, though, mate. Because you need a lot of cream. Ten hours ago, you were asleep, probably. Yeah? Cream? Yeah, something to, like,

lube your willy up. No, not lube. I don't know. I don't know what you use. Cream? Yeah. Cream. Just assume it's a dairy-based product. No, you're lact I don't know what you use. Cream. Yeah. Cream. Just assume it's a dairy-based product.

No, you're lactose intolerant, aren't you? Yeah, and that's how I found out. Wanking with cream. Finn, what's your Will record? Most... Longest you can suck off Noel Gallagher. Songs written about Rill. Take my name five.

I've not written any yet. Songs about Jane songs about Rill what else would I be good at I don't know I can't outsmoke people I can't outsmoke Snoop Dogg so that one's in the bin

I'm not very good at anything why did you jump to outsmoking Snoop Dogg longest time to subtitle a one minute clip yeah I think you've already got it there six hours i've retired now on the dark web so on the dark web world records surely the the most smoked would be a valid you could could be all day, every day. Dark web. You could literally just all day. And you'd be fine.

Eventually. And then, just when you think you're fine, there goes your leg. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It just falls off. God, I should have listened to Carl. Should have listened, man. Looking good there, girl.

I think mine's most podcast in a row. I haven't missed an episode since 2022 that's going to be a world record that is a that isn't a fun one they've got to be fun don't they we keep asking him to take some time off

he just refuses you can't just be touching poles and then also being like we have a consistent podcast too I don't take any days off I don't know any days off. I don't know, most goths slapped in a minute. By the way, I drove past a gaff yesterday in the Fabric District, you know near where we filmed the thing.

Is that called the Fabric District? Yeah. Oh, nice. And there was just some big goth party and maybe my, again, I cannot believe it's taken me till this time. You know when you drove past them like when we were driving past i had my window down and i heard another goth

call another goth a fat smelly goth and it might be the peak of my life because i didn't know they used that word as an insult the way the rest of us did no they've reclaimed it yeah it's their word it's their n-word is it really yeah so maybe they were just like dapping each other up maybe they just got there my fat smelly god how are we oh should we have a break i watched the video yesterday about it. From a black rights activist, a fella. And he's like, I hate that we're the only marginalized group that is desperate to use our slur word, like a word that's so horrific in its history.

I hate that we're the only marginalized group that is fighting to use it and because i was tired enough like that at that point of the video i was like yeah more groups should use the thing what he was saying was just nobody should use it but in my head it was going to be like chinese people take the c word back yeah Yeah, yeah. Like, you know, Pakistani people take the shortened version of their own word back, and everyone takes it back.

I'm trying to reclaim honky. That's fine. I did an open mic in Painesville, Ohio, right? And they were doing some of the most mad sets you've ever seen. It sounds like Carl's just stubbed his toe. Painesville, Ohio. And one guy did a set and these were some

of the most like not even edgy just like uncomfortable right wing sets ever my set as well was about being bicurious it was like the worst room i've ever done but um i went up well no one of the guys did a set right uh and he was using the word white trash and then he started like kind of reclaiming white trash. And they started like refer, he started being like, and it was white trash. And then they were all like, yeah. I was like, oh no, this is, this is the doom of everything.

Not your audience. No, it really wasn't. And then the Bicurious set really landed. I think they were laughing at me in retrospect. Or maybe they thought you were doing a character. Yeah. Yeah, and then one guy afterwards, he just kept coming up to me.

It's like, old guy, he'd done a really long set, and his joke that killed the room was his wife brings him food to work, and he's like 60, and he referred to her as whore dash, and that smashed it in that room. It's a fucking good line, that means. He just kept coming up to me and shaking my hand

and he must have done it like five times. I think he was by curious. That was a really good set, man. I think he was. Tommy, what are you doing? You're getting your stand-up going and everything, but it's a hell of a booking to take, isn't it? Painesville, Ohio.

Painesville, Ohio. How did you end up doing it? I was in Cleveland, Ohio.io we just finished the two months and i i joined the ohio the cleveland facebook group it's all i've had to learn how to use facebook i know every social media except facebook and that's the one i'm on all the time now i'm so old it's just shit in it because of just because of the comedians groups everyone's on fucking Facebook. So I joined one and they were like, oh yeah, we've got one in Painesville.

And I went in and I go in and I think, oh, maybe it's going to be a little right wing. It'll be fine. I'll go into this bar and above the little stage where you're performing, there was a swastika, but it was a rainbow one. Oh, that's nice. That's progress.

Is that what, because I know the gays nice that's progress is that what because i know the gays and that's not that doesn't help and i know the nazis and that doesn't help so i don't even know which way round is that have they shaped the brain no it was a swastika and it said rule hard rule proud you're like you're their dream am i curious racist. Racist gays. No wonder you did well. In pains, it was really like... You're like the leaders here. They're the white trash. And it was like...

You look like a gay Nazi. You do, though. I beg your pardon? You know what I mean? I don't know what you mean. Like, you're Hitler's, like, dream. Blonde hair, blue eyes, and you're bicurious. Don't call me Hitler's dream.

They probably put that sign up for you. They probably see you pulling up and we're like, print a rainbow swastika, put it on the wall. I'm a guest. I'm a guest. He means it as a compliment. Oh, does he? Because that was really unclear.

No, I do mean it as a compliment. This is like Chanel Nut Pig all over it, guys. This is fucking... Just block him, Liam. Blonde I do mean it as a compliment. This is like Chanel Nut Pig all over again. This is fucking... Just block him, Liam. Blond hair, blue eyes, bi-curious. That is literally what that flag is. You look like a gay Nazi. It's a compliment.

I don't see what the problem is here. World's gone soft. You can't call anyone a gay Nazi these days. Just get away with it. What? That's what they were putting it up for. It's a rainbow swastika. They've seen you pulling up

and they were like, this is the British guy we've booked. Print off a rainbow swastika, lash it on the wall. Hang on. There's one crucial detail. It was on the back

of a skateboard and they were all skateboards hung up around the room. Oh my God. So I don't even, who's skating? They're confused people then. It was properly like,

what the fuck is going on in Painesville? It's's skating they're confused people it is it was properly like what the fuck is going on in Painesville it's really they're moving forward just not on the whole you know anti-semitic moving forward

and backwards yeah that's what skateboards do innit clip it now that is a break Clip it. Now that is a break. I'll tell you what, everyone.

If I was going to try and break a Guinness World Record and needed some sort of sustenance, I'd use sneak. Before you do that, remember to plug sneak. All right, cool. If you want to wank for 10 hours, sneak. No, they probably don't want that as a... Use code WORD10 for 10% off sneak.com. Hey, Dan, how can I energize myself?

Oh, Red Bull. God. God, God. Unless I'm on a soapbox, I don't even want to be fucking here. Isn't that... Monster. Sneak.

What is sneak? Come on, bro. Mate, you're on the fucking tube. No, I'm asking you for the sponsor. i'm on a soapbox i don't even want to be fucking hearing that monster sneak what is sneak come on bro mate you're on the you're on the fucking tube no i'm asking you for the sponsor um it's a sugar-free energy drink that i am quite partial to tell me why i wouldn't just get a coke what oh no it's way beyond this like we're really caffeine and all sorts of other simply the flavors what flavors that's done i cola, but the newest range is... There's a toffee popcorn. And there's a limey one that's the Blockbuster rip-off.

They did the American range that I really like. Someone got in touch and was like, what's your favourite flavour? Cherry Bomb is the one. My favourite. I've got a sweet-ass tooth. There's no sugar. That was the longest sneak favorite i've got a sweet ass tooth there's no sugar that was the longest sneak advert we've ever done i'll be drinking sneak um question for you um you are starting your or you have already started as we've mentioned already but you're you're looking to get

fully fledged into stand-up yeah Yeah, yeah, I really am. That's the plan. Yeah, totally, man. How many, are you still sort of aware of the amount of gigs you've done at this stage or are you beyond that now? I've done one in Painesville. These are all like five-minute slots.

I've done seven five-minute slots and then since 2022, 30 gigs, but like as a YouTuber, so it's not stand-up. Okay. But like on stage. And what sort of spark is this something you've always wanted to do so i've always like been into it and i remember like my mum took me to see daniel sloss in nottingham and i was like i was enjoying it and then bo burnham inside came out when i was 16 and i was like this is fucking awesome i want to watch his other stuff this is amazing yeah and then two years after a

year after that i was on holiday and my dad gave me steve martin's book born standing up i was sort of like i just hit 10 million subscribers and i was like starting to feel a bit like i'd done what i wanted to do with youtube and like i don't know what to do next i think if we get to 10 million subscribers on here i'll feel like we've done quite well. Yeah. As podcasters. We're on for it. We're on for it. In the next 280 years. Yeah, 4,000. We have to live a long time.

You'll get there. Go and like him sub now, please. Get us to 100k. Nice. My man's got 14 mil. All we want is, I mean, right now is 100k. No, I want 14 mil.

Okay. If you're a Tommy subscriber, you subscribe to us. Please get us to 100K. Like, just do it. Yeah, guys, don't be pricks. Come on. Come on, guys.

Like and subscribe. It's one click. Don't take the piss. Sorry, sorry. Oh, I can't do a fucking sneak advert. Go and sub, please. You want a nice plaque? Mm, sneak.

Thank you. A little plaque like Peter. That skateboard joke is worth 100,000 subscribers, although... Go and do it. Pull your head out, you fucking... In fact, let's just get aggressive with it. Subscribe. You fucking cunts.

Give us a sub now. I'm sick, Sam. It's it. Adam has been in not one, but 70 fights. And we can make it 71. A year. A year. For 10 years.

10 years. So what's the goal? What's the number? Yes, that's right. Should we go? You want to be a... Yeah, so I read Steve Martin's book and I was like, holy shit.

And then I started getting more into it and watching more. And then I spoke to Sloss and he was like, you should do an open mic. I was like, eh. And he was like, do an open mic or you're going to be shit forever.

And I went, okay. So I did one. I was like, this is fucking hard. Where was your first one? In London. In Camden. camden how many in the crowd 20 i want to say it's all been basements or fucking wasn't upstairs attics in london it's just been fucking that um yeah man i was shitting myself and i went up and i delivered it like a youtube script and i was talking like this and then finally i was like hang on what if i just taught like how i normally talk and i've started doing that and now it's i got double the laughs genuinely overhitting like 14 million subscribers

the most like fulfilling thing in the past like four years well two years has been like oh my god if i talk like myself i get more laughs this is fucking awesome oh the the thrill of a gig going well is an unbelievable and that's man and i have shit that i had my first uh a sauce would say uh because he's like my mental with like a death on stage the other day that was fucking horrible because i was like because i'm like now all of us yeah so basically i like on the internet i like got really famous for being like the kid of the internet so for me when i was on tour i was like you know i'm gonna write about that my audience will never expect because i write about sex i'm gonna do material about that no because no one's

done that before my audience will never hear it i went to this open mic i was like these people are not ready for me the kid of the internet to talk about sex i started out doing it and then it immediately becomes clear that i am just a man who is rambling on about his dick for five whole minutes and i was like and this is the worst part i was like i've never been more confident that a set was gonna land because it killed in paynesville ohio i was like if paynesville love it and everywhere else would those gay nazis love i just love a dick joke yeah and i was like so proud of this. And I was like, oh man.

And I just, do you want to know whose first gig it was? See me? Me mum's. I was like, mum, come along. It's going to be a bit edgy, but I need you to film it. You invited your mother for the first dick joke set. Yeah, me and my mum, it's not weird. My mum like, she's great.

Not in an incest way. No, that's not what I'm saying. Just in a sort of way. Me and my mum, you know, we talk about this stuff all the time. She's great. Not in an incest way. No, that's not what I'm saying. Just in a sort of way. You hear me, mum? You know, we talk about this stuff all the time. In a sense of like, you want to do your dick jokes in secret. And that's also what,

and I was like, oh, you know what? My mum's in the room. I make her less awkward. So at the beginning of the set, I was like, oh guys, my mum's in the room tonight. So things are going to be a little awkward.

Anyway, my penis. And I was like, oh my God. So that was- Did you talk about sex to your mum? Because I've never once had that conversation with my mum. We don't talk.

I know you have with my mum. As soon as you started talking, I was like, I don't know. Obviously, she's a single parent so I just had to learn, you know,

on the job. I didn't learn, I, we didn't, my parents have always, I'm like an only child so you sort of have to get over talking about weird shit eventually because you don't have like a person.

I know what you're getting at though, you're talking about like the bees and the birds. I've never gone, mum, like what's Fanny's in there? She's never, I asked you. Really? Because everyone else has done that chat. I bet your dad sat you down and told you what to fuck. No, what? Showed you, not taught you.

Sit down. Let your dad turn the sit down turn your dad turned you around yeah it was a practical baby bird feeds the chicks oh the baby bird oh sorry did anyone in his parents teach him no because i thought that was a bit of a question but yeah my partner with their mom they're very very open with sex whenever she'd have like obviously she had boyfriends before I thought that was a bit of a question. My partner with her mum, they're very, very open with sex. Whenever she'd have, like, obviously she's had boyfriends before me, she was very aware of, like, you know,

being safe and having chattable condoms and that. That's exactly how she was. Yeah, my mum just said, yeah, wear a condom. I don't mind what you do, just wear a condom. And I was like, all right. My mum just said, cheers on them. Do you paint in the garage? You've got a condom on, Sammy!

Be safe! I don't care what you do. You never leave the house without a condom. Hang on. You got a condom on! I don't care what you do! You know what? This is so embarrassing, right?

I've never said this before, but because my mum said that, and she was like, whatever you do, just use a condom. When I was like 16 and I have one in my wallet just in case.

Oh, yeah. That's not Finn. Is that? Finn gave me one though to stick in my wallet. Oh, no. And I was like, you know what?

Finn's 24, he's still doing that. And I never used it. It's a good idea though. It's good advice. It's got a good rate of four. And then one time it fell It's a good idea though. It's good advice. Very ready to fuck. And then one time it fell out in front of a load of people and I went.

Like, I don't know what the embarrassment is. You should have put it on. I fuck and I'm safe. Man, I used to be called nut pig. Did you have the chat? Did you have to have a say about it? My mum spoke to me when I was in the bath. What?

Through the door or? No, I wasn't in the bath yet. I was in the bath. Through the door or? No, I wasn't in the bath yet. I was running the bath. All right. Look at that water coming out of that tap, son. Reminds me of a little chat we've been needing to have. Well, there was a period in my life where for a few months, I didn't, my dad was away working for a few months.

And I think it was at that time when my mum was like, ah, he's going to start wanking soon. So she tried to have the chat with me, but I already knew. You know what I mean?

We've been wanking since year four. This was a year five chat. So she come in, she was like, things are going to, you're going to, and I was like,

mum, I know what you're talking about and it's sound on, let's not do it. I told her to fuck off. Oh, right. So you preempted the sex chat

and called it off. I just knew what she, I, she i yeah i like i knew what she was about to start dead young well we never learned about wanking in school i mean when i found out what a blowjob or anywhere i never learned about wanking you never learned about wanking in school no we didn't learn about we had the sex no no no i mean with the boys we then taught it like it went round i don you heard what wanking is we went to a catholic school yeah we didn't I was well behind

I didn't know about this for ages yeah we were I think did you say you found out what a blowjob was and you got sad yeah I remember thinking

I was far too young to know what a blowjob was yeah you've said this was it genuine lads was it genuinely year four and five yeah no

really come on yeah how old are you there eight eighteen when i started wanking nothing came out and then one time i pulled my foreskin all the way back for the first time and i thought it broke me dick oh i remember that i was at the doctors and the doctors was like oh because i have a proper body horror you know i like can't arsehole still just oh god but they fucking uh were like the doctor was like you know when you're at the doctor when you're young and it's a kid and it's not weird and he was like he did that and i was oh i've got second dick it was just fucking horrible sorry he pulled it back i was like

ah what the hell tell me what when you were a kid you were at the doctor and he touched your dick yeah but in what hang on to fix it not in a oh to fix it it's bloke son i'll fix that yeah but you've had your dick and balls touched by a doctor, but don't look at me like that's weird. How is it broke? I can't remember. I think it was just hurting to pee, and I was like, oh, doc, the dick's hurting to pee,

and he was like, don't worry. Look at this second penis you have on us. Use that one. I only got my dick touched when I was unconscious by a doctor because I had an operation. I had to get it reduced. Do you know what I had about two? I thought it was one of the losses. Two months ago,

I had a testicle operation. Did you? Yeah, I had testicular torsion. Oh, no. We've spoken about that before. Oh, yeah. Are we? And they opened my balls

and they turned them inside out. Were you worried you were going to lose one? I was worried about everything that day. When I was going in to get my balls ripped open, nothing sends you more upset than a doctor looking you in the eyes and explaining what he's going to do to your testicles soon. You've had a lot of doctors around your dick and balls. I actually really have.

Yeah. I don't think this is normal. That's how I learnt. So you've got inverted testicles? Did you not have the chance? No, no, they're right now. But in order to do the surgery, you have to fucking turn them into wings.

Oh, brother. Bruh. Bruh. I thought I had bollock cancer as a kid. Yeah. Why? All right. Well, I've now just put two and two together.

So a few years ago, I started getting a pain in me groin, and I thought I had like an ST std or something it turned out i just had an inflamed cum pipe right but like when i was a kid when i was a kid i thought i found a lump on me bollocks and i told my dad i want to go to doctors because i think i've got like testicular cancer like we were taught in school to like fidget with our balls and i've been doing it and i found a lump and we went to doctors and he he did feel me balls yeah you just like brought me back and he was like oh you've just got a big cum pipe i don't think he said that those exact words he was like 99 year old you know if you can go four feet that's a fucking world record as well but with a cum pipe like yours you've just got a big

cum pipe hey do you know what happened to me last night that was properly, I shat myself, right? I was walking home and I was like, oh, you know what? I'm going to fucking, I'm just going to relax and get ready for bed, got to be up in the morning. I was walking home from Brighton and this guy, don't worry, it's going to get to a horrific body story, all right?

That's at the end of this. And I was walking home and this kid, and I had my headphones on, that went, oh, in my face. No one's ever done that to me before. This was on the street last night. Yeah, on the street in the dark. Two kids did that to me.

So I took my headphones and I went, that was awesome. That was really cool. Then I was like, oh, I could have said something epic. And I just fucking said that. Like, I was thinking this was my genuine thought in the moment. What I should have done. This was when I was at my most cross. I should have gone, hey, come here.

And then turned around and had a piss on him. But I thought that would have been too hard. I was really cross at the time. I was like, and I really needed a wee. So I was really cross. Like they'd stand there and go, oh God, we should move.

Would have gone, hey, watch this, mate. I've got two dicks. And then do that to him. Then just stop. Then chase after him. And I know that the piss would come back on me as I'm running,

but it'd be worth it. I didn't do any of that I'm worried that in the future someone's going to try and mug you and you'll get your dick out I'm worried that that's not a great it was my first thought I think that's a legitimate good time factor

that is a great yeah what you should do if you ever get mugged is take off all your clothes and shit yourself and start like screaming because then why would they attack you yeah

that's what they teach you in the marines like if someone breaks into your house if you shit on the floor and wank at them they'll leave were you in the marines the marines no i've just i don't know a fellow who's basically done the training yeah and then i get home he's got ibs he's a green beret and i've been watching stranger things all right so i'm already a bit like oh there's a bit of body horror going on when he's got all this shit going on and he coughs up that slug and i feel my toe and i go that's a bit weird and i go down and my big toenail is just coming off and i go it turns

out i bashed it ages ago and your toenail can just come off yeah but it just it was like 10 o'clock and i was already on edge after this guy shouted at me and i didn't piss on him i just thought and it's still there like they thought it's still coming off yeah i just thought it's dead if it falls off then you just get like a nub in for a toe your nail doesn't grow back no they grow back if you're if the if the root comes out oh yeah if the little rooty bit comes out yeah but mine didn't mine just peeled off at the top oh really my my my booty bits came out oh the bit at the bottom this bit oh yeah you're not gonna get a toe back no i am no you're not yeah i am no bin, you're not gonna get a toe back. No, I am. No, you're not. Yeah, I am.

You're gonna get a little like weird, like you're being chewed. No, I can't have three knobs. No, no, no. It's gonna come back. Nope, not properly. Not properly. Yeah, it is.

Nope, Tommy Dick toes. No. Oh, Chanel nut pink Tommy Dick toes. What about Tommy Dick toes? Tommy Dick toes. No, about Tommy Dick Toes? No. No, no. Yeah?

I'm the guest. No, there's a character in Phoenix Nights called Tommy Dick Fingers. Tommy Dick Fingers. It will. Are you being serious? Yeah, but you're Tommy Dick Toes now. But you're not a doctor. I'm famously not a doctor.

He'll come back, won't he, Dan? You seem like the most adult in this room by age. I don't know. Don't talk to him about it. He had a lump on his foot for four years and just let it go away. Yeah, he had a lump on his foot for about four months and then it went away.

That's fine, isn't it? It's fine. I've beaten cancer. Oh, no. Yeah, what are you? It was a gangsta cyst, wasn't it? It was a gangsta cyst. What a damn... What was it? It was a gangsta cyst, wasn't it what a damn what was it it was a gangster sis was a ganglion ganglion

what's mr beast like tommy he's just tired did you ever fallen out with him was that no no was there not some burger prank or something oh well no He fucking is a burger place that I went to. I just took the piss out of him a little bit because they were shit burgers. And then it turned out that he'd sued the place because of how bad the burgers were. So it was a really well-aged prank, basically. He's closing down, isn't he?

He's focused on the shit. Because they were so shite. And at the time I had one, I went, this is shite. And everyone else was around him not saying that. And I he went no they're not and it was just a bit of a laugh and then it turned out that they were yeah like clinically bad oh really um which is a shame as well because i thought they were like a four out of ten when i was there he seems like a very busy guy yeah he's he's nice he's sort of just, like, really busy. Is his productions, with him being, like, the top kind of independent YouTuber,

are his productions, like, next level kind of breathtaking? Yeah, I've never been to one of his in real life ones, but I wouldn't want to be him. Like, it's a lot of, you know, when you've got such high overheads that if he, like, got sick for two weeks, he'd fucking nearly lose his company. It's like that level of, like, madness. Because he puts so much of the... He makes a a ton of money but he puts so much back in yeah it's not for me like it's 600 million dollars a year and he's putting nearly all of that back

into his videos 50 or something is it true that he offered a billion for the channel and turned it down um yeah yeah i think so but like you would of course, because of the growth that he can do. So if someone say, right, you can just have a bill now, it must be hard to say no. I would struggle for my channel. If someone offered you a billion, you'd say no. Oh, a billion's like, I just love my channel so much, though. That'd be like, I know it sounds stupid,

but like giving away your house. The thing is, if you don't need it, if you're earning money and your channel's making money and you love what you're doing, like, I wouldn't. Yeah, I suppose, because what are you going to do

with the billion? We have a channel. What would we sell it for? That would be like, would you do a billion to never do touring again? Huh? Would you take a billion

to never do comedy again? Can I still do this? No. Then no. I need a creative outlet. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. And you might find another one, but you love it. Yeah, the billion would make you happy with it. No. Then no. I need a creative outlet. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. And you can find another one,

but you love it. Yeah, the billion would make you happy, wouldn't it? No. No, you can help people, but... I mean, it'd make me happy for a good year. Like that year, it'd be class.

You'd miss gigging within two or three weeks, though. I'd get sucked off in a yacht. Yeah, but... I miss the glee. You would miss... It was so many years. No, but you would. After the ninth yacht nosh,

you'd be like, I'd love to do 15 at Artwater. I would, yeah. But then someone else would come along and suck me off on the yacht again and I'd be like, girls, we've got to keep noshing him off. Otherwise he's going to keep applying for gigs on Facebook.

It's essentially what Con McGregor's doing, isn't it? Yeah. Adam, before I got in here, Dan said that when you do geek this is a real topic changer you don't write down material is that don't yeah so how does that work i'm just like so do you not i just think of stuff what you're gonna say or what do you have a rough idea of what you're gonna say so it depends what show i'm doing i mean when i'm doing an hour now i'm forced to write it down because alie Brown, who directs my stand-up,

my hours, the current one I'm doing and the last one at least, he forces me to write a lot more of it down when we're actually working on stuff. When I'm doing a 20, 30-minute set, like tonight I'm doing a corporate gig in Manchester, and that's now two episodes in a row that we've mentioned that on. We've recorded this episode with Tommy

on the same day we recorded with Ian Stone. I'm doing a corporate gig in Manchester tonight. I've got no idea right this second what I'm going to say tonight. Really? No. I mean. I don't even.

Yeah, but that comes with 14 years. Hang on. But he knows. You don't know the bits. You just don't know which bits. I mean, I don't know the bits tonight. I don't. which bits. I mean, I don't know the bits tonight. I don't. So you're just like going up and like this?

No, no, no, no. Like there's bits in my head. Like there's routines in my head that are written. They're just not written. He's going to pull out the files. He's not going to be like, right, I'll do me bit about Primer and I'll start, which is a two-minute bit, and then I'll do that, and then I'll do the next one, and whatever.

Okay, so it's not like you're just going up with... I'm not freestyling, no. Okay, yeah, yeah. I'm just... It's not like in a Google Doc. No. Yeah, yeah. And I don't have a notebook filled with, like,

word-for-word writing of jokes, no. Does that not... Because the biggest stress I get before I get... Like, the biggest anxiety is right before on stage, oh, my God, I'm going to fucking forget what to say. Do you not get that? No, because if I forget what I was going to say, I'll just say something else.

That's experience, Tommy. That's just... It's like if you started making YouTube videos, you'd think it was so easy because you've got so much experience. He's got 14 years. You've got 14 million subscribers. You've got 14 years of doing it.

That's mad. It's got 14 years. You've got 14 million subscribers. He's got 14 years of doing it. That's mad. It's just flexing. And it's not necessarily the most common way of doing it. And it drives Alfie insane when he's trying to work with me and direct me. He's like, it's impressive and it shows a certain level of talent, but it's not easy to work with a partner on.

How much, so do you know if you're like in a room on tour? Sorry, do you mind me just asking? No, yeah, go. So if you're like on tour and you're doing a room and something sort of, how much would you go off your plan in that room? Like, would you mind or would you keep fucking- It depends.

It really does depend on what happens in the room, what stage of the show, what someone says. Like the other night I was doing a warm-up show in London at Top Secret Comedy Club, and I did, I was about 40 minutes in, and I was doing a routine that is essentially a two-minute rant with one punchline at the end, and the two minutes doesn't have any laughs in it.

The reason I'm doing that is that's a comedic technique of sort of the metaphor i would use is if your comedy is like a balloon so if you just put a little bit of air in the balloon a little bit of tension you pop it you'll get a laugh but it won't be a massive one if you do two minutes of no punchline the audience are sort of constantly being like where's the laugh where's the laugh where's the funny bit coming yeah you're the balloons bigger so if you pop it the laughs bigger so i spent i spent two minutes in a joke in the show i'm doing at the minute and just before the punchline someone heckled with something really dull and boring it never got a laugh it didn't make his friends laugh he just looked like a fucking tit i did go off for a two minute three minute tangent then just calling him a fucking idiot yeah I did go off for the two minute, three minute tangent, then just call on him a fucking idiot.

And then I did the punchline, which got like a, it normally gets an eight or a nine out of 10 laugh. It got like a six. Yeah. I was so frustrated. Cause you left that line. I literally said to the guy, I was like, I'm going to send you my special when it comes out

and I'm going to show you how much you've just ruined that joke by saying what you've just said yeah because like it depends how funny someone is if someone's just being shit and annoying i don't want to get a big laugh from them because then they think they've helped you yeah and they'll do it again if someone's just being dull or boring i'll make it really awkward in the room because they'll feel bad about it and i trust myself that i can get the show back on track afterwards. And it might take me a couple of minutes to do so. But I trust the rest of my act where I'm like, I can make this awkward as fuck

and I'll still finish strongly. How do you like refine material when you've not wrote it down? Is that like a different- Just mentally. Yeah. Just literally like, I'll just cut words out and say them different

on a few different nights and try and remember the best way to say it. It's not the most efficient way of doing it, the way I do it. It's not, but I don't. Because Bill Bird is a similar thing, right? Totally. And he is someone I think,

he's someone who I enjoy watching as an audience member. Like from a technique perspective, I think he's one of the best of all time what do you mean i i think you you have to have a certain suspension of belief when you're watching a stand-up comic you have to sort of let yourself believe as the audience that they are saying what they're saying for the first time i think he is very convincing in that i think it sounds like he is he's just walked on and is saying it for the first time i don't really like overly scripted obviously the thousands time the thousandth time they've said it

comics that's why i don't like one liners it's why i don't like overly performative comics i actually think a comic you mentioned before who's one of my favorites john mulaney is often for me quite guilty of sound and very practiced and rehearsed yeah but I think he's so good and the jokes he writes are so strong that it actually overpowers his performance for me and not everyone's the same as me but like about 10 years ago now someone said to me would you pay to see yourself live and I said no and they said what are you doing and they said you should be a comic you would want to see and the comic I want to see makes it sound like they're saying it for the first time and if i knew my act word for word and never changed the inflections the tone the wording

ever i think it would start to sound too practiced i'm about to do the tour show i've been doing for a year for the 110th time this weekend it has to sound like I've said it like less than a handful of times or it's not a good, do you know what I mean? So I don't want it to be overly weirded because then it will sound practiced and I don't want it to sound practiced because I don't enjoy watching that. Wow.

Okay. So listen and learn. I genuinely have spent so much time just bringing up people and asking them about stuff like this. I love hearing about it. Yeah. next step is to get the stage time that's you can you can learn a lot by listening and asking yeah but then you need then you just the stage time is where it's at when i spent like two months writing when i was away i tried to do like an hour a day now i've got back and every time i do a gig if i goes to shit or if it goes really well

i'm just like i learned so much like i can i'm only doing like one a week in london that's like a five minute because it's such a the bright and scene that's just so if anyone listening to this knows where to book by in london please book me i can i can certainly point you in the right direction we'll talk on whatsapp over like where to yeah i would love to just do spots um you are doing it the right way though because a lot of people with your platform would not do it the way you're doing and the right way though yeah because a lot of people with your platform would not do it the way you're doing and sloshes give you some really good advice like if you just if you put a tour on sale now it will sell you would sell a lot of tickets and you could go on stage in front of people who love you and do stand up to those people

and they will enjoy it it wouldn't be it wouldn't't be, it wouldn't be good though. It wouldn't be good. That's the thing. And in this era we're in now, there's a lot of creators, not just YouTubers, but people who do silly little like to camera videos on Instagram and TikTok and stuff. And people get a following and then they go on tour and they haven't done the miles in comedy clubs and open mics to be able to do standup.

There's no shortcut to being actually good at standup. There's shortcuts to selling tickets and having a profile where you can sell stand-up tickets, but there's no shortcut to actually being good at it. Apart from get on stage as often as you can, do as many gigs as you can. Don't be trying to write a new 10 minutes every time you get on stage. Actually try and refine what you've been saying and doing.

I've done one five, like six times. Yeah. It's like, yeah. Like you're doing the right thing. There's some people in London who are, you're doing the right thing. There's some people in London who are sort of still doing the open mic and shorter spot circuit, and I'll be able to sort of ask them

for the right place to go. That'd be awesome. Because you can do, like, two a night, apparently, people say, and I, like, want to figure out how you do that. Well, I did six on Friday in London and five on Saturday. In one night?

Yeah. I just ran between the venues. In London? Yeah. And when you're ready mate start your own gig just you know then you can get

a bit more stage time I don't really think I want to be an MC though I know but it's just stage time you also don't have to book an MC and then book yourself

book an MC and just give yourself 10 minutes every month really yeah that's a good idea you only need 20-25 people and it'll be a nice gig

and you'll get them yeah I think yeah because I just don't want to like test my stuff in front of my audience You only need 20, 25 people and it'll be a nice gig. And you'll get them. I think, yeah, because I just don't want to like test my stuff in front of my audience. I think if I can make someone who isn't my audience laugh, then I could definitely. But you need stage time. So for like, if there's a way of hustling,

so many people start comedy and a way to get more stage time. Adam did it. I've done it. You put your own gig on. It gives you that stage time you're looking for. To be fair, you are fair you are i think you like it sounds like we disagree a little bit here but i would wait a while before you did that because i think yeah because you're not trying to sell tickets to your your no yeah even when i i'm ready to do a 60 to my audience i'm going to do it to

like 50 people and then try and do a support for someone and then do the like it's years away but i want to be like you know like six years ago and i was like a kid i someone and then do the, like it's years away. But I wanna be like, you know, like six years ago when I was like a kid, I'd look at like KSI and be like, wow, maybe one day I could be like as good as them. And it takes like ages. And now I'm like confident and like, yeah, I'm a really good YouTuber.

And now when I watch like other standups, I'm like, oh, I'm shit. But I bet one day I could be as good as them. I just wanna do whatever. It just takes time and effort. Yeah. Do you have some correspondons? Yeah, we've got some man play.

Oh, Harold, who's sitting in for Finn. Man play. Man play is what you do at home just to mess around. Things that you do that you think are a bit weird, but other people also do. Example, running up the stairs on all fours. Oh, that's sick, isn't it? That kind of shit, yeah.

Or another example from Dylan McFarlane. Wag Wag Lids got man play for you. When drivingdonald's drive-thru i make a car noise when they tell me to drive to the next window oh that's ace which makes you go faster 100 oh i love driving just to annoy my wife and children such an idiot um next one from john mcmahon sorry just for you said i've got one for drive-thrus yep which is I just put an accent on and change the accent at everything so I'll put an accent on

while I'm ordering change it at the first window and change it again at the second one it's class just went to I'll do it in the car on my own

is this yours love yeah yeah yeah that wasn't your voice well it was wasn't it one nil master of master of many voices yeah

just go John McMahon says whenever I have a bath after I pull the plug out at the end, I'll stay in the bath and pretend I'm some sort of hippo or something wallowing in the slowly depleting watering hole before the long and harsh drought ahead.

Pretend I'm some sort of hippo. Men are weird, aren't they? No, but I get it though. You've got to stay there and watch the water kind of... I hate that feeling of being wet in a bath and there's no water in it anymore. I know.

It makes you feel fat being in a bath without water. Yeah, you're aware of gravity way more. Joe, am I allowed to chime in, is that...? No, you're not. It's a new segment and I just don't want to be... Your name's in the title. Do you know what I can't do is if I get out of the shower, I fucking militantly dry my back.

If I put on a shirt and the top bit of my back was hard to dry, it's wet, I just feel like a bastard all day. I know what you mean. I'm like this. Yeah. Do you ever put your undies on too quick? You haven't dried your arse off properly? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh. The soggy gusset. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fucking horrible. I stayed in a hotel last night and they didn't have full-size towels. They had like flannel towels at a hotel. What? I know.

It made me feel like... What hotel was this? It was the Printworks. I mean, I'm not sure if we're allowed to name drop the Printworks. Yeah, get better towels, Printworks. It was like... Yeah, great.

Oh, I had sex in there. Flex? Really? Years ago. Wiped it up with a flannel towel. It's from Noah H1 for Manplay. I once hit the griddy in Auschwitz because I wanted to be the first and maybe the only person to ever do it.

No! That's not Manplay. Say that again. That's insane. That is foul. I once hit the griditty in Auschwitz. The gritty? What's the gritty?

The little fucking celebration. It's a celebration. Like a Fortnite dance. The NFL players love it. You can't do the gritty in Auschwitz. That's not man play. That's not things people do around. So that's not man play,

but the idea of doing something that no one has ever done. Here's the thing. You shouldn't be a man doing the gritty, never mind in Auschwitz. Like, that is... Yeah, any form of celebration in Auschwitz looks ill-tasted. Yeah. Ill-tasted?

Yeah, they'll do it with the Alan Shearer. Yeah, the Alan Shearer's the worst one, I think. Yeah, come on, everyone. The Benjani. I think it's the Alan Shearer is the worst one, I think. Yeah, come on, everyone. The Benjani? I think it's the Alan Shearer. Oh, it is absolutely the Alan Shearer. I just forgot what the Alan Shearer was. Colin Wiseman said,

I like to weigh my own shite occasionally, not literally, but I'll weigh myself before and after a poo and calculate the difference. My record is almost a full kilo. No, it isn't. No one shits a kilogram. He's full of shite. I did.

I did do this literally this morning, though. How much did you lose? 0.2 of a kilogram. And I mucked as well. Like, so I'm telling you right now. Didn't you lose 0.6 last night? What? When you were on the toilet all last night?

Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah. Do you ever have a poo where you're really fighting for it and afterwards when you've won before you wipe you sort of stand around to look at what you've just defeated is that is that not man play is that that is man playing okay cool but no no no just to see yeah to me of man play when it's like when it's like oh god and you feel you really feel like you're going to lose about half,

and you've got hands on the wall, you're sweating. You think you're going to see a small tree down there. Yeah, you're afterwards, you're like, I need to see this before I start wiping.

And it makes the wiping process a lot longer, but it's fucking worth it. But it disgusts you though, like when it's a bath bomb. No, I feel pride. Really? I'm like, yeah.

I came up my ass. I'm like, you're my bitch and you're going in the sewage. I haven't passed the solids since 9-11. It was a tragedy. That was the real bad tragedy that year, mate. Never forget. We lost solid shite.

Any more, Harold? There's one more from Lewis Morton. Man play. When me and my mates are in a lift, we stick our middle finger up at the door and see who's the first to back out the door shite. Any more, Harold? There's one more from Lewis Morton, a man play where me and my mates are in a lift, we stick our middle finger up at the

door and see who's the first to back out the door as the door's open, see if anyone's there. I used to play cunt roulette. Oh, we used to do

that on the phone, yeah? Like if Carl was on the phone to like the bank, or like someone important, the bank or like a funeral

or something. He'd be on the phone and I'd go, cunt roulette. And then he'd go, and what he'd have to do is just go, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt,

cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt. I just hope that he managed to just not say it as they come back on the phone. Yeah. Nice. Cunt roulette.

I'm doing that. That's sick. I did work experience at ITV Granada. Do you remember Tony Morris? Yeah. Oh, he died recently, didn't he? Is he the black newsreader?

So he used to have his... He was black and a newsreader. He didn't just read black news. Just carry on. He used to do a thing where he would, in between the breaks and when they're cut

in between the features, he'd have his feet up on the desk and he'd either be swearing or he'd give the finger at the camera and then drop down and do it. Like that woman, Miriam, is it?

Yeah, but he was great. Because there's no photos of Tony Morris sitting off the camera. He seemed cool, him. Yeah, he was. Yeah. The full video, the BBC one's class.

It's like 10, and then she's doing a countdown, and the last one's that, and then she's like... Yeah. And she's kept her job. I'm glad that's happened. Yeah.

She didn't do anything wrong. The camera person did, or the director, whoever it was. She's just having a laugh. And we's kept her job. I'm glad that's happened. Yeah. She didn't do anything wrong. No. The camera person did or the director, whoever it was. She's just having a laugh and we should all be encouraged to have more of a laugh with our friends.

I think she probably had a bit of a stern chat though to not be flicking Vs at the start of the news. It happened to her again the other day but luckily she wasn't swearing. She was caught off guard

getting her hair done. She's like, oh, I'm on. So she's done it to her twice. Luckily she's done it. It's mad that they were broadcasting from the salon. She needs to start concentrating when the news starts why why what do you mean why do you know no one's asked i don't i respect it more if you're like

i don't know shite in it bombs and that whoa oh fucking grim another grim day yeah be honest one like let's know who you support if the newsreaders were honest and real people i'd respect them not that i don't respect them a grim day. Yeah, be honest. The Reds won. Let us know who you support. You know what I mean? If the newsreaders were honest and real people, I'd respect them. Not that I don't respect them, but I'd respect them.

Hang on, hang on. You say that and then you go to America and you watch their news and they're all cunts being real people. Have you ever watched American news?

Or like Fox? Just any American... They're all like... It's like a podcast. Yeah, but I'm into it. It's what I reckon the vibe of what's been going on but i like it we were we were talking about this when we were in new york we were watching sports center bbc is

sick what bbc news is fucking awesome it's the one bit of england that you know everyone takes seriously all of it we were watching sports in america and it was shannon sharp talking to like the leading NBA guy, Stephen Smith. Stephen A. Smith? Yeah. And they were talking about LeBron, right? But they're arguing, like properly arguing,

over whether he's the best of all time, whether his winning record means he can be considered because he's lost more than whatever. And they both really believed what they were saying, and it mattered to them. And that just doesn't happen over here. Because it's seen as uncouth here's the thing in england if we have a problem with someone you just never you just like chat shit about them for hours right yeah do you know and this is i hate to hark on but you know after my pains of the ohio gig a guy came up to me who'd done a set who'd done his whole set was about pop culture and he came up to me and he had a few drinks and he went man your set could be so much funnier i said what he goes

yeah if you just stop talking about sex you'd be you'd be funnier and i was like i was i didn't have a go i didn't just like with those kids and when i like in my face i couldn't think of anything to say but i thought thought, who the fuck comes up to someone? Yeah. You should have pissed on him. I would never want that. You should have pissed on him. Because he was a gay Nazi

and he would have loved it, man. My room 102, I don't know if we're doing it, is small talk. Oh, yeah. I fucking hate it. Big talk only. Just come up,

like, you come over, oh, buddy, that's a bit hot, isn't it? What am I gay? You came over, and you're shite. Not small talk. When you get in a taxi, and they're like, oh, buddy,, it's a bit odd, isn't it? What am I gay? You came over to it and you're shite. Not small talk.

When you get in a taxi and you're like, oh, but yeah, the traffic's bad. I drive, but he said nothing or chatted something interesting.

I fucking hate small talk. I don't, I don't want this man that I don't know coming up to me and being like, why he's made you set better? He's shown you where to improve.

No, he hasn't made me set. I was very spiteful and then I wrote a whole set about Paintsville, Ohio and all those gay Nazis and I, yeah, now, I've ruined him. It is a bit, it's a bit rude though isn't it no but you you would rather people just go straight to the point there's a middle ground he doesn't have to do

that but he also doesn't have to come up and go hey man great set buddy if someone asked like if i if you saw one of my sets i was like look can you tell me honestly i don't know what you say how to improve it's welcomed. Not first. Unsolicited advice and criticism is just not welcome, is it? Hey, man, here's how objectively you can be better. Oh, it pissed me off so much. Okay, I understand that. I just hate small talk.

It does my fucking head in. I do hate, like, I hate fakery and, like, banal conversations, like, because they're for no one. You know when you see someone and they're like, hey, how are you, man? And you don't know them you see someone and they're like hey how are you man and you don't know them really and you don't really like them you don't like what you do no i'm like who's that for because you know you're full of shit and i know you're full of shit and

we're the only two people here so who's that for and the small talk's the exact same thing oh it's fucking hot out isn't it you don't want to talk about the weather and I don't want to listen to it. So who's this for? Let's just stand and sweat. People don't like the silence. I went to a wedding today and it's the worst for small talk. Oh, I love silence.

Like friends, partners you've never met. Oh, yeah. Lovely service, wasn't it? Oh, God, that's nice. Oh, if you're at a wedding, if you're at a wedding or something and you're like not close to the bride and groom, if you're like they're mates of your partner

and the further you are away, the more horrific small talk you're going to have all day. Yeah. Like if you're the plus one of someone who only like works with one of the bride or groom, oh my God, it's a fuck. No wonder you day drink heavily. How would you know that?

I work with them. Oh God, what you do? I don't give a fuck what you do. I shouldn't have to ask. I should go, girl, you know, and then turn away. Can I do my room that? I work with them. Oh God, what do you do? I don't give a fuck what you do. I shouldn't have to ask. I should go, cool, you know, and then turn away. Can I do my Room 102? Absolutely.

We've smoothed right into it. My one is, and I was watching it. I was watching the Room 101, which has no correlation to Room 102. To get an idea. Because I thought originally it was like a show and tell.

I had to bring something in my hate. And then before the podcast, I was really thinking, what do I hate? And it put me in a real bad mood. But luckily, I got out of it. But yeah, do you know what it is? It is, man, like bad manners all around, man.

I can't. I have so many I can elaborate on. But my mum has trained me. She hates bad manners. The worst one, if I'm watching a film with someone and they're on their phone i want to fucking kill them if someone's just on their phone all the time like you meet someone to go hi and they're like hi and they're just so annoying isn't it it's so it's all yeah it's hard to work with someone like that as well yeah i can't yeah uh what's it um yeah small talk what you were saying thank yous to me

if you don't say please and thank you i kick the fuck off yeah it's just uh it's just a basic thing that costs people who fucking reckon they're like an expert on submit about me that i reckon i'm an expert on when i'm not and then they try and overdo it with me like that dickhead about comedy i didn't want your advice fuck off when he started i like when you do that because you are an expert but when that guy did it expert why have you said that? No, well, I just thought, oh, no, now he's going to go home. And in the car to Manchester, you're going to be thinking, oh, man, did he mean that about me when I went on about him?

No, I would never know. I don't think you know Adam. I thought. Am I the only one who would quite like to gig in Painesville, Ohio, though? During this whole thing, I just want to see if I could give it a go. The entire time we've been doing this. Look, I just want to see if I could give it a go. The entire time we've been doing this, look,

I am well-mannered, so I am still looking in the right directions, but all my brain is doing is going, how do you get this gig in Painesville, Ohio? How do I get to go

have a word live on a special Painesville, Ohio? Get us the Painesville. Do you know the thing is, I bet I can't go back now. We are stupid enough that we would put this together.

It's fucking, it was a nice bar aside from the fucking what from the gay Nazis what from Deutschland Deutschland

ooh I don't think like it it was odd it was odd in Painesville it felt like being

on like a movie set like it was so middle of fuck off nowhere is it like Hicktown kind of vibes it still sounds good it's like have you watched that new vibes it still sounds good it's like

have you watched that new civil war film yes yeah do you know when it is literally exactly like do you know when they're in the town and then they look up and they see the people obviously good yeah like that it was like i took loads of photos i'll show you in a minute but like it was fucking like it felt like i'd walked onto a set i didn't feel real there was so many people there there was a woman who started like flirting with me really intensely and it was like i really didn't like it i was like this can't be like there's a man hordash man wouldn't leave me alone at this point i'm just i've just came off stage and my mate's been like look above the stage and i see the swastika i've just been stood under for five minutes while he's filmed this fucking lady

who's like she lived in like she was like oh where I live, it's like near like the nuclear plant and there used to be loads of wastelands so I can't dig under where I live but like, do you want to come back? And I was like, I have a girlfriend. What the fuck is going on? It was just,

I still want to play it. Springfield? Can we go? It fully was. It was fucking, it was mad. Right, let's do a Have a Word and get the F out of here.

You can't hear, there's a song playing. I hear it. Fuck. the F out of here. You can't hear this song. I hear it. We'll save it for next week, babe. Lads, anonymous please. He will know it's about him when it's read. Longtime lady listener here.

Please have a word with my fiance. He's 24 and he's constantly on his PS5. And I literally mean from when he's home from work and had dinner at 7 p.m. to when we go to bed at 11 p.m. at least four, maybe five days a week. Don't get me wrong.

I don't mind if he wants to do this three nights a week, but almost every night is excessive. And I think it's very juvenile. Plus, there's not a lot I can do whilst he's gaming as he shouts like a little bitch when he's losing, which is most of the time. This is also really affecting our love stroke personal time. Can you please have a word with him

or maybe have a word with me for being a cranky bitch? But I'm at the point now that I will throw the whole thing out the window and accept the loss of money that I paid for the console when it first came out. You want to fucking ditch him. I mean, yeah. You must have, are you at the point like we are with conversation a week tommy

like when we're took where we get to the podcast and we're like we almost hold in conversation until we can be on the where when you if you game yeah do you only do it as you stream like are you ever i'll play or is it my girlfriend will sit and chat and i'll play animal crossing and she's next to me on her switch playing animal crossing and we're chatting and it's look like right yeah no i'm not that's cute but what yeah isn't it like i don't get like i did a bit of game you're not a gamer though are you no isn't but i mean you shouldn't be scared to chat to him because he's getting angry at a bit of pixels i mean yeah yeah no yeah but he's he's a miss for me are Do you play FIFA?

Not really, no. You don't understand them, Paul. No. FIFA is the most infuriating. I've been the man in this relationship and in my opinion, it's on air to be more entertaining. Are you still together?

Be better than the PlayStation? Yeah. You've got to compete with the PlayStation. Are you and her still together? Huh? Are you still together? No, I broke up with her because she was too ugly.

Did you really? She was less interested than you still together? No, I broke up with her because she was too ugly. Did you really? She was less interested than FIFA. No, Fez. She was too ugly and she complained too much and she wanted to leave. So I broke up with her. Didn't even look up from the game. Ta-ra.

Yeah, I think you should ditch him. Oh, wow. I'm fully on her side. Yeah, but I think 97% of men are like this. Yeah, maybe think you should ditch him. Oh, wow. I'm fully on her side. Yeah, but I think 97% of men are like this. Yeah, maybe in Liverpool, but when you get down to Brighton, they have souls. No, they don't. They have souls.

They have unicycles with baskets on. That's what they have. Not souls. Where's the basket? Up his arse. It's like, God, I'm the one. Five days a week. Okay, two days a week. Maybe you can gain five hours maybe you can gain smell in my head trying to imagine

what you just said a unicycle with a basket and handlebars i think adam's just invented something sounds classic brighton yeah i mean five days a week is maybe excessive especially if they're not having sex which you alluded to at the end. It's affecting their love times. If this guy is choosing to play FIFA over having sex, then there are bigger problems at stake. That's how good his ultimate team is. He likes to pack that night. And how good she is.

Does it say she bought it? Yeah. And she bought it. She seems like a right catch. And this guy is an angry FIFA player. Yeah, but she's boring. She's not belly dancing naked. She's not boring.

Do you even even worry at the end of the email? At the end of the email, she's like, oh, maybe I'm being the cranky one. She'd be moaning even more if you never played her. I bought you that PlayStation. You don't even touch it. No, she's not cranky. Still in the box.

It's the woman's fault. It's your fault, love. Is that always the verdict on this podcast? You bothered him using it, have I? Gaslighting him. Here, have a, love. Is that always the verdict on this podcast? You bought it and I'm using it and I... Gaslighting him. Here, have a console. Oh, you're playing it, are you? Fucking dick.

And here I am, belly dance. If someone bought you a dog and you never walked it, that'd be worse than walking it all the time. It's not a dog, it's a PlayStation. Exactly. Dogs only have one game. Will you turn that dog off you can teach an old playstation new games

turn that dog off and come and shag me will you turn fever off for a bit and pump your missus will you it shouldn't be that hard there should be other

things in between don't just turn it off fuck it do other things wine and dine yeah dates yeah dates we'll just chat you know chat just you know get to know each other grow up do all the things wine and dine yeah dates cinema

dates we'll just chat you know chat just you know get to know each other grow up sorry grow up

buy yourself a playstation 5 you go in the other room play him on fifa put your headsets on talk to him that way oh that's nice yeah learn to play

yeah you ever seen that great patrice o'neill bit learn you ever watched any of patrice o'Neill's stand-up? A little bit, yeah. So he's got this bit. It's on YouTube.

It's so funny. So he goes, like, women in the room, right? Here's my question for you. How would you keep your man in your life if you were in, like, a train accident and your pussy fell off? He's like, you're in some horrible train pussy accident. How would you keep your man interested, and someone shouts out suck his dick and the

another woman shouts out anal and he goes yeah suck his dick anal right say apparently i'm a misogynist and you've all just classified yourself as a bunch of holes he He's like, not one of you said learn how to play Xbox. Learn about sports. It's so funny. Just learn to play it. Get better than him. Better than him at Call of Duty or whatever game he's playing.

I want to disagree with you, but I began this saying me and my girlfriend sit and play Switch together and we have... Oh, man. If she stopped playing that all of a sudden,

are you stopping playing yours? Oh, no. That's his income, though. Yeah, you wouldn't be able to bring the money. For all she knows, he's streaming. Secretly. Is that a pod? That is a pod, innit?

You can cry in a Bugatti one day. Bugatti? Tommy, thanks very much for coming in, mate. Thank you so much for having me. Appreciate you. Good luck with the gigs, man. Thank you, man. Yeah, thank you for having me.

It's been fun. Have you got any like and subscribe? We've got a song this week. It's by... Who is it by? Blue, All Rise. Oh, nice. Shite.

It's just a good song. Go and check it out. Yeah? And we're not going to put it on the end of this, but we're just... No. Just go and have a look.

Just go and check it out. All Rise by Blue. Might have missed it the first time around. Yeah. See you, everyone. Ciao.