Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #280 with John Lynn (Brennan Reece GUEST HOST) - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: June 9, 2024

Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan Nightingale & Fiends Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.ukComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Support our cycle across India for Zoe's Place:https://cycle4zoes.enthuse.com/pf/finnlay-kulavuzGet subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsCheck out Finn's music: https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Tickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening lads? Listen, the time has nearly arrived. On Saturday the 18th of May, I'm doing my final tour date at the M&S Bank Arena in Liverpool. There's still some tickets left. It's the biggest show I've ever headlined, but it's not just me going to be there. I'll be doing my hour, but I've got a few of my mates coming to do stand-up and I've got some surprise musical guests. It's going to be absolutely unbelievable. I'm so excited and the final tickets have just gone on sale and they're on adamrow.co.uk you can also get them on the M&S Bank Arena website and Ticketmaster but all the links to all of them

are on adamrow.co.uk come and be part of the biggest night of my career so far and I'm going to blow the roof off the gaff please come and see us and come and see me doing Dan Nightingale and Fiends some of my favourite rooms around the country, and one in Dublin. Some of my favourite comedians with me

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Tell them about the specials daniel oh my god we've got so many lock-ins where we get drunk in here we went to nashville nashville that's a three-parter we've done all sorts we've taken over a restaurant we've had a racing day i'm literally there's 40 of these things there's so many i'm forgetting the good ones amsterdam ghost hunts there's so many to list and there's a new one coming every month the one we've just released the art special is one of the most popular we've ever released

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on the market for below the waist grooming. Go, Ed. Get on me. Here we are. Adam's in Nashville

living his big camp cowboy life. Yeah. And I don't mind it. He was so happy, wasn't he? Yeah. So happy. Last couple of records,

you could tell he was just in his element. He went to see ABBA on Monday night and then set off to Nashville. I said ABBA, going to see ABBA, a little bit camp. Yeah. Yeah. But in the best way.

Futuristic camp as well. It's a hologram. Totally. I wasn't slagging off abba some bangers am i knocking on the abba best of all the time no will i objectively accept there's some fucking rammers in there old school rammers yeah yeah but it's i would say a lot of tickets being sold to middle-aged late mums yeah yeah a lot of hrt being dropped to that fucking gig oh he's gone at the bar oh that's wow yeah

and then adam and fucking either the baby with seneca about uh abba and i said you might not agree with this i prefer madonna i'd rather go and see Madonna live than ABBA. And it splits people down the middle. Would you? If we're doing holograms, I would rather see the 1989 Madonna hologram

than the hench 68-year-old Madonna now. How do you feel like going, eat a carbohydrate and stop doing leg day?

She looks like she's 15 and 0. She's so scary. She had corn 15 and oh like she's so scary yeah she had cornrows and gum that's all right isn't it the angriest lesbian you've ever seen so abba got obviously bangers but madonna's got as many if not more and yours go oh for now jim with this abba doesn't come on you go for now jim with this you've heard it 15 times that week usually madonna's got secret bangers and heavy bangers and a longer she's got more longevity as well i think about this no she's not got more longevity than abba she's literally still releasing music now and they're

holograms no but she's not but she but she's not releasing any good music so i don't i like i discount that longevity the last banger no but, but Madonna had bangers in the last decade. Didn't she? What was the one she did with Justin? I don't know. I don't know. Banger though, probably. When she got Ali G in a video.

Good move. I have no idea who the cunt was. Four minutes. Four, yeah. I got four minutes. Four minutes in the little world. Yeah, yeah. I got four minutes in the world. Yeah, yeah. That one.

Grab a boy, grab a girl. Go and see Madonna then. I'd love to. I'd love to see her. Right, I'll take you. I'm not quite camping her. When she did the Super Bowl, right,

there was a bit where CeeLo Green was singing next to her and there was like hundreds of dancers. I think about this about once a week and there was a plinth

that went well high and I thought if I was one of them dancers I would have just stepped on and just the three of us would have been going is this sick? Isn't that what you can do about it? Madonna and CeeLo Green that went well i and i thought if i was one of them dancers i would have just stepped on just the three of us just on there with the dudley boys yeah when she got yanked back in that um whatever she was wearing what was she wearing like a cape and the dance had to just sort of

grab the back of it and pull it off oh Oh, yeah. But I think the Velcro was attached too much. So she took the first three steps. He pulled on it. He's some like, her dancers are always like incredible, massive, like black dudes. So he's fucking, he's just pulled it back and she flew. It looked like she'd been shot. It was unreal.

I thought you Googling Madonna boxing division. What would she be? Some of her, some of her backing dancers are all like, they dress up as boxers, but very camp boxers. Boxing is camp. Yeah.

But like more camp. All martial arts. And also everyone's like, what's wrong with it being camp? Mate, I've seen Kylie live. It was. Oh,

I'd love that. It was so fun wow she's the oh she's so fit as well yeah she's like isn't she like 70 now she's well old yeah she is old but she is big man she's not it's like much like hans mole man in a wig hang on hang on i reckon she's 54, Kylie. 56. Yeah. 56? She's not Tess Daly, who is 82.

Is she? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This week? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was born in the 60s, lad. She was about 40 when 9-11 happened. She was about 40? She was your age when 9-11 happened.

She was 33. Good maths. How did you do that? That was so quick. That was too quick. I was going to even say how far away do that that was so quick that was too quick he's always got to in his head how far away 9-11 was never forget

because it was such a good day you can't forget I don't want to forget but yeah Madonna Kylie Minogue who else is there Danny Minogue killed

yeah but she's a bit yappy do you know what I mean where it's like it feels like Kylie and Danny's mum has gone, let your sister be a pop star and all. And she's like, I'm doing it myself. And with my boyfriend, Jason, she's like, let your sister be in it.

Go on, you gotta take your sister as well. I'm going to a pop concert, take your sister. Powerful women. Powerful older women pop stars. Beyonce isn't one, fuck Beyonce. Hang on, She, she, she's not an older woman yet. She's not,

what are you saying? Plus 40? I'm talking. 40 over. Middle-aged? Yeah, 50s I'd say. Beth Ditto.

Cher. Cher. Come on. She's still doing it. But she, she is, she must be a hologram. That's not real,

is it? She's still going. She's got like spare bits, like potato head. Like, they're just putting, they're like, Cher died years ago when the second tower fell,

she was dead. She hasn't had a cheeseburger since 1974. She still gets like, you know when, like swimming cozies, like a younger lady swimming cozy where it's like,

whoa, straight up. And then there's the more modest, like, okay, we'll just go towards the legs. She's still rocking that on stage. Stevie Nicks. Stevie Nicks, yeah. And then there's the more modest, like, okay, we'll just go towards the legs. She's still rocking that on stage. Stevie Nicks. Stevie Nicks, yeah. Oh, I'd love to do cocaine

with Stevie Nicks back in the day. That'd be my hologram. Fleetwood Mac, except I do coke with him. Joni Mitchell. Alanis Morissette. Hang on, hang on. Lennox Lewis.

Lennox Lewis? Oh, I thought you meant the boxer. No, Annie Lennox. Oh. Yeah, but are they still knocking him out? Are they still, they're just, Len Leonard Lewis is retired. Power corner over here.

I got kicked out of a Larnis Morissette concert once. No, before she'd been on. I might be the gayest. I don't know. What were you doing? I was in Birmingham, right, at uni, and my sister came up with a name. I didn't know you went to uni in Birmingham.

Yeah, I did. Okay. Well, driver's came up with a name. I didn't know you went to uni in Birmingham. Yeah, I did. Okay. Well, driver's school, so not proper. And we went to go and see Alanis Morissette. And me sister brought her best mate who used to be in Hollyoaks, when Hollyoaks was not on YouTube. Is it?

Yeah, it's on YouTube now. It's just YouTube. Is it? Yeah. Wasn't Hollyoaks the biggest one though, recently, up until recently? Yeah, but now it's YouTube sponsored ads. Channel 4 not doing it no they're just gone i just upload it oh wow wow go on because no one watches it um and then we would like do you know how you snake your way

through but you don't get right to the front you get about halfway we stop there and then someone taps taps on the shoulder can you move i mean mate andy my sister's mate turns around and goes yeah yeah and she goes oh you're an ollie oaks and because you're an ollie oaks you think you can stand in front of me and he goes i've literally said you can go in front of me she's like oh now forget it now so stood in front of her and then she kept hitting him on the head during during the support act and then she poured a drink on him and my sister turned around ballet trained, pushed the girl back and booted her in the face.

We missed the gig. What fucking ballet training have you been doing? Why did you get kicked out? Well, accomplice. I don't know. I was with her.

I'm not missing. Yeah, I would have been like. Ironic. Brennan held his sister's drink while she ballet kicked someone into the future. Hang on. There's a gig.

Gig. And everyone's waiting to watch the gig. Uh-huh. You do know at gigs, people are going to be stood in front of you. That's an amazing... How dare you stand in front of me? What are you doing?

It's so annoying when people... One of my other mates, he used to be on Corrie, right? And we stood in front of someone at Ben and Cassine. Stop going to gigs with fucking soap stars then. Me and Anthony Cotton. Me and Ken Barlow. Went to see Arcade Fire. It was Arcade Fire. stars then. Me and Anthony Cotton. Me and Kembalo. Went to see Arcade Fire.

It was Arcade Fire. Shut up. Ben and Kasim, what, 2000 and... With Kembalo? Yes. Ben and Kasim. Yeah. Deirdre, the nan, she were there.

Blanche. Blanche. She was on my shoulders. Camera came on her. She got tits out from below. She was like... And that doesn't happen enough now, does it? That's the better way. Tits on a camera at tits out from below she's like um and that doesn't happen enough now does it that's the better way it's on a camera at a festival yeah not get your fronties out that's

better yeah that's it happens today yeah but not if it's blanche from coronation street yeah you you're not telling me you wouldn't stare at it listen if we're talking about the other yeah i would download first of all that happens the goth one does it oh my god yes two sad smiles goths love getting the tits out and that is a fact is that a fact it's in the dictionary in the fact on the goth yeah little gothy tits yeah they love getting the tits out little tim burton's weird my sad eyes are up here go on see that benny cassine with fucking with fucking Kevin it was with what was he he was like

what was the butcher called Fred Elliot Fred Elliot's protege Ashley no not him it was no it wasn't him though

the other one that was the only one no there was there was one who banged Tina and then a a Thai bird that's Ashley no it's not Ashley

right if you don't know who they're talking about it's called Craig Gacy Craig Gacy what he only had one apprentice mate If you don't know who they're talking about, neither do I. It's called Craig Gacy. It's like, Craig Gacy. What? He only had one apprentice, mate. He didn't.

Graham Proctor. Graham Proctor, mate. Sounds like a bum doctor. Graham Proctor, bum doctor. Flippin' heck, Uncle Fred. We're at Benicassin. I do not recognise that man. Someone asked him for a picture while we were watching RK Fire.

He said, no, I'm watching RK Fire. They got a sharpie and wrote, you're a twat on the back of the stuff. Mate, if someone can get into a third word and you haven't noticed, then you are a twat. Also, why are you taking Sharpies to watch RK Fire? I don't know. Got your wallet, your Sharpies.

Did they ask for a photo, but they had a Sharpie? Well, they wanted a photo. Right. On a digital camera, that's how old it was. Can you sign my camera? did they ask for a photo but they had a sharpie well they wanted a photo right on a digital camera that's how old it was can you sign my camera can you sign Blanche's tits oh yeah

it's a bit eggy isn't it if you were to see someone famous at a gig that you'd actually go over to who would it be like do you know

where you'd get like fucking hell not many people but like it'd have to be someone insane Fred Dibner yeah yeah isn't he dead fred didn't write madness oh i'm thinking of fucking the super famous i'd leave alone which i wouldn't want to be i just find that cringe it would be niche that i'd be like oh yeah big john bosh was staying in my hotel this week who big john bosh no way big john bosh yeah bosh le bosh le bosh you know big john bosh i don't who big john bosh no way big john bosh yeah you know big john bosh i don't

know big john bosh bad no big john bosh it sounds like an old english wrestler he looks like one as well who is the big john bosh giant haystacks yeah he basically just he's an online you know guy and he is his character he's just bad i think he's a big fat geezer yeah from like the cockney dude who always eats a fry up yeah he's He's Chinese. He loves Chinese. He was staying in my hotel. He's not Chinese though, is he? Your hotel? Oh, you were in a hotel.

Yeah, yeah. And everyone was like, Big John Bosch is upstairs. I was like, fuck off. And they all went, I'm going to picture with him. And I was like, I don't want to do that

because he's on holiday. He used to play for Leighton Orient. Did he, yeah? BJB. I was like, I don't want to go up and go like in a picture. I was like,

if it happens to walk past them, I'll slap him. And then I didn't see him again. You saw big john bosh again big john bosh isn't that mad that he's famous for doing fuck all yeah i want to get a selfie with a like a famous person that really appreciates the attention like you know like someone who's famous dwindled so much like you want a selfie? Lee from Steps. Wow. Yeah, I'll do it. And then he's scanning stuff.

Yeah, I'll do it. One sec. I'm going on my break in a minute. If Yori Geller's anywhere near me, I'm finding him. You'd bring a spoon though, wouldn't you? Yeah.

You'd want a spoon. Sign me a spoon. Yeah. Send me a spoon, lad. Yori Geller. I'm watching Arcade Fire. Yori's a twat. Yori's a Tory.

Get up. Who's best mates with Michael Jackson wasn't he your he Geller he got around your he

Geller he said he was going to stop a meteor from hitting the earth with his mind yeah he did

but he didn't stop Michael fucking kids did he so no there's a limit of what he could do spending kids

there you go he didn't do that he just slept in a bed with them dad Didn't he put his nose into an arsehole Uri Geller or Michael Jackson I know Michael Jackson That's what he just said

He just said he sniffed the bumholes Maybe it's like a dog You know they do that greeting That's how Michael Jackson like greets his friends I've been eating vegetables I've been eating vegetables That's my voice now. That's my voice.

I'm famous with Michael Dierks. Is he the help? So we also want to move to Gary McAllister penalty against England. Do you know that? Yeah. Scotland played England and Gary McAllister had the penalty to equalise, I think.

And Jory Geller was in a helicopter over the ground and before McAllister hit the penalty, the ball rolled a little bit. No. And then Yorigela said, Yorigela said he moved it with his mind. Why didn't he do, why did he let it get to penalties?

You do something in the match, wouldn't you? You wouldn't let someone run around for 120 minutes. Yeah, but I'd be like, why is Yorigela above the ground in a helicopter? There's an article that's come out today. Yorigela returns library book 47 years late. Is there anything this man can't do?

Joe, that was a proper fear. Bending rules. When I was a kid, I used to go to a nosy library by my nans and get books out and then just not take them back. Bad boy, bad boy. And for like years,

I was like, oh my God, like when they finally catch me, I'm going to owe millions. And it used to be a fear in my mind for years. It's £2.37 now, isn't it, basically? Yeah.

Well, for the whole box of Diary of a Wimpy Kid, you're like, I'm a rich baby. I used to think like, oh, one day they're going to get me and it accrues over years and I'm going to have to give them

like a million pounds and I haven't got it. You'll be on Locked Up Abroad. You'll be running off to portugal it's the fine i would worry least about i will it still exists i've still got the books i know but what is it it's like seven pence a day although you know it's been like it's 30 years yeah i've got a fine today this is my new thing i'm living like a dot-com billionaire where I sometimes weigh up how much it is to park in a city centre. Oh, like Mario Balotelli.

I'm Mario Balotelli. I went to a local school and batted a bully as well. Did you hear about that? Yeah, I heard about that. I love him. Is it £35 you pay early? £30. So surely it is worth it in a lot of cities.

Yes, but they are putting new provisions in, aren't they, in some city centres because there's such a spike in wealth in those places that people are turning up in Bentleys, whacking them on double yellows and be like, yeah, cool. £30 a day. £70 a night.

So, like, I don't know how much, like, the fine is, but if it was £500, they'd maybe think about it. If they told my car, then there's issues, but it's right outside the hotel. I fought 30 quid. And you might not get one. No, I've got one. I've seen it.

Yeah. And then the guy saw me reading it and walk off. And he just went. Did he jizz? Yeah. He was like. Because they get commissioned, don't they? Do they?

Yeah. Yeah. I boo them, you know, even on my own. Boo? Boo. Me and Adam once chased them around town, booing these two traffic wardens when we were teenagers, old enough to know better, booing them.

And now it hasn't left me. So whenever I see one, I run down and boo at them. Like a long boo? I boo! Or not like a boo? No, I'm not trying to scare them. I'm trying to let them know that I'm, you know, not their friend. Poor cunts.

They must put up with so much shit. The least popular job ever, and they're just trying to do a job. Cunts. No, the worst one now is the woman who works for airlines who waits after the gate to see if you've checked baggage and charges you. Because it happened to me.

Going to Parma. It's not okay at home. It's got sad. Yeah. She goes, have you got a priority board i went now and she went like 92 pounds for the bags carl that's such an easy thing to avoid doing it and i was just i've risked i'm up i am in the positive i've gone around the world without paying for it i've been caught three times now so every time i go it's fine i've used it loads

i'm not been charged so you have to put it in the cage of shame yeah yeah that's the worst when there's 60 people well i don't even i go in it's not going to fit it's fine i'll just pay i'd spit on it me yeah what i'm like trying to do i love watching people try and twat them into those fucking spaces i like it when they've got it in but they can't get it out and then suddenly they have to take the outfit do you know what you see walk around that big thing in low fat fast far too big to go on the plane. But don't be a gobshite to the, when we were going to Nice, I saw this guy ripping into this girl

and you could tell the will to live was leaving her. And you're like, she's just doing it. He was like, oh, he was a posh cunt as well. He was like, this has never been a problem before.

And she was like, right, could you just stick it in that thing? It's not changed. It's been the same sizes. But he couldn't get in. He was like, oh, I don't have a problem with this usually. And then just started having a go.

And you're like, fuck off, mate. You obviously have the money. You can't get your bag in the thing. You know the rules. You paid 12 quid for a flight. Just fuck off. 12 quid. Listen, if you're going to get some.

I wasn't having a go. Yeah, don't have a go. No, I wasn't. I was actually being overly nice, but she was awful. There was a couple behind us who had it fitted in. They were like, yeah, fitted in.

Bam. And then she went, no, it has to fit in sideways. And they were like, right. It didn't fit in by like an inch. We bought these purposely to fit. And she went, 92 pounds. That is high level country.

Yeah, and he went, I'm not paying. I don't have bought these specials. And you are high level country. Yeah, and he went, I'm not paying, I've bought these specials. He said, you are paying £92. All right, yeah, she's a dickhead. She was a bad, and it was 5.30 in the morning. Hang on.

There's the metal thing that says if your bag fits in here. It has to fit in sideways. Yeah, but what is sideways though? Like if you fit it in one way. I'd be wearing the bag a different way. I'd go like one way. Buy a square bag she mate that is a next level she was a gob shite do you not think this guy this guy couldn't get his bottom wheels past the top of the thing it's never been in that

he's just managed to get away with it a few times she's obviously the first person or maybe he's just lying and he always has a problem and he was having such a go at her not the airline like it was her that was doing it and she was like and then eventually she went

you're going to have to make a decision because I'm not being spoken to like this fucking right mate at Liverpool airport as well which is a sounder airport in my experience like everyone's just a bit more chilled out only easy jet check

Ryanair don't check Aer Lingus don't check genuinely so I if you can choose now go Ryanair I take a duffel bag you've seen my

no face duffel bag it's bigger than any suitcase and I take it on as hand luggage on a Ryanair fight yeah it's honestly taking the piss

drawstrings it looks like a 12 year old's cricket bag it's so big if they stopped me we'd have to just all laugh at the situation what am I like

like this is it's like that big yeah it's like 80 litres it's like car's like leaning back it's my backpack but I take it on

skis in it yoga mat can you get it under the chair but I've been to like I've been to the Middle East I've been loads of places with it and gone away so hold that yeah big to the Middle East with it. I've been to loads of places with it and got away.

Hold that. Yeah. Big bag in Middle East. It's got women in it. Every time I get stopped, which is three times, I'll go, oh, it's fine. I've got away with more than I've been caught. What's the thing with duty free on the plane as well?

Can we just fuck that off? You can't open it, can you? No, but I mean, why are we selling it on the plane? Yeah. And scratch cards. No, I know, but like, duty free's at one end, duty free's at the other. Can we just stop jamming the fucking hour and a half flight up

with some poor woman who's like, do you want your fangs, do you want perfume? Stop buying from, just buy it from either end. Also, duty free, I remember as a kid being like, a bargain. Wow. Like, ooh. 20%.

It's just literally no VAT. Just no VAT, that's it. Yeah. Right. But it used to be like,AT, that's it. Yeah. Right. But it used to be like half off Siggy's. Yeah. Me 12. Also, what's the scratch cards?

It's a con. It's a fucking con. Do you know anyone that's ever won that? Or the postcode lottery? Yes. You told me that. Was that you who told me? A friend of mine in the postcode lottery?

Yeah, it was me. Somebody knocking at your door. I'm just rolling. I flew to the Alamand. Somebody ringing the bell. I flew to the Alamand this month. It's an 18 minute flight. And they came out with a duty free Yeah, it was me. Somebody knocking at your door. I'm just rolling. I flew to the Alamant. Somebody ringing the bell. I flew to the Alamant this month. It's an 18 minute flight and they came out

with a duty free thing, like the thing. And she got like four rows in and I had to go back. I was like, what are you doing? Just stopping people having a piss.

Just pat manning away around the bit. The scratch cards are like, and everyone, you know, it's for charity and we've raised over this much. And like,

how much are you getting right now? Because I don't trust you. I don't think like 100% of that pound is going to charity. I'd love to know what their cut of that is. Well, obviously it costs a lot. So 70p in the pound goes to Ryanair for all the scratch card printing. What's the prize and all?

20 quid? A free flight or something probably. Then you have to buy a scratch 200 lambartin butler but you said flights are cheap now you look and you go oh 60 quid to nice you go book that but then there's two years so it's 120 and you go yeah on hand luggage it's an extra 60 each person each way right that's an extra 240 quid you're like what a big bag as well well that's seven and then it's 600 quid so you see 25 quid or whatever 60 quid and then it's 600 i mean you know i'm pissed off because that's a book extra flight it's like 600 flights aren't

cheap they just broke the they've broken up so you see the original price and go wow but that's that's if you're going naked at like 5 a.m from like leeds when you live in like fucking scotland oh you can do it but you've got a you've got a raw dog to fly. Yeah, it was a 23 hour layover, you know, it's only 15 quid. And they wanted the CEO of Ryanair who seems like, like, he knows how to make money. He's mates with Mike Ashley type of guy.

But he comes on and they, but apparently he like floated the idea of charging to go to the toilet. Yeah. Did you ever hear the idea he floated? Because he was like, then we can take a toilet out. Then we can get three seats in.

And those three seats will bring the price down for everyone. You're like, I don't think that's how it works. I think the worst one he did, standing seats. Where would you ever want to stop? What flight?

It's not fucking the yellow wall in Dortmund. What if there's fucking turbulence? it's just those like you know the bus scream if you want to get those bus handles and you just fling with them did they come down like oblivion you're in the sky and then you get a picture then but then he wants to do like you're not on like on the road into town what's your seatbelt the handle and your upper body strength like come on nana

they're expensive these seats what they should do is take all seats out have it like an army cargo plane and everyone just gets on

sits on the floor get a thousand people on every flight as long as it's a quid just make it a big adult soft play I'd do that just throw a ball

yeah a quid the flight. There's no seats. You just find somewhere to sit. It'd be comfier as well. I also think when it comes to airport security, if there was a line who was like, listen, we're not going to really check anything,

but your flight, like, can we just have a secure? I know this sounds mad, but I just feel like this should be like a fast track security for people. I wonder who's not in the fast track. Yeah. I wonder who they're going to pick.

It's definitely me looking angry with my life, with my kids. Like maybe a flight where you're like, listen, it's going to be, that flight hasn't been checked for security properly. Did you know, we'll just, we'll give you a scam, but we're not, we're not asked about fluids. You don't have to take your shoes off. It's just a faster line everything stays in the bag as I've said

not not not every airport has worked that out yet that's the worst they're still going by the 2005 rules rats

do you know when you get like your dinner tray at the end when you get you have to put your shoes back in it and everyone's getting you just think

I feel such a cunt yeah it's the worst I think airports bring out the worst in everyone do you know what the worst thing is the two worst things

about holidays one if you're flown in a hat and you have to take your hat off to go through the scanner and you look like a baghead with the flattest

greasiest air yeah and everyone's looking are you flying with that hair I feel like going I've got an art in the tray you should have to like everyone knows and when you get to the hotel they with that hair? I feel like going, I've got an art in the tray. You should have to, like, everyone knows. And when you get to the hotel. They should give you another hat.

Yeah. Like a safety hat. A see-through hat. Yeah, yeah. A see-through hat. And then when you get to the hotel and you can't check in on a sunny holiday, and you've got to sit with everybody who's like in shorts, and you're like, you haven't been to the hotel yet.

I have never done that. No, so you get there. So you get to the thing and you're like. You get there. You're early before check-in. Yeah, everyone's like, oh haven't been to the hotel yet. I have never done that. No, so you get there. So you get to the thing and you're like, you're early before check-in. Yeah, everyone's like, oh, we know this hotel. We know where everything is. And everyone's like, and you're like, I don't know where to go.

And you just sit down. You've got like, you've got like trackies on because you're flown. And everyone's like, we know this hotel. You don't. And you're sitting there like a bag of breakfast. You can go to breakfast if you want. And you get like one piece of fruit because you feel all embarrassed. And you're sitting there like a bagger at breakfast you can go to breakfast if you want and you get like one piece of fruit

because you feel all embarrassed and you're sitting there and everyone's staring at you and then the next day when you've checked in and you're comfortable you're like look at the new kids

I love the image of some scouts here in full north face trackie one tenths sunbathing because it's 11am and he can't get in the room that was nearly me and Palmer

I flew in a full trackie and luckily I went to the luggage room and changed. But when you get there and you're the new guy, you look, I never feel more self-conscious than being the new guy. We were only at the,

like the hotel for about four and a half days on our holiday. On like day three, I walked past a guy who was at the very front of his book and I was like, fucking newbie. Being the new guy in a hotel.

What are you on page 11, you fucking noob? Have you ever sat in, do you know when it's like all inclusive and everyone sits in the same seats on the same tables every time? Yeah. Have you ever sat first down someone's table and been asked to move?

Sure. I have. No. I have. You need to be with Adam for those situations. Being in those situations with Adam is next level enjoyable. it's given me so much like i'm so much more go fuck yourself in the four years i've been working with adam try and move adam

from a seat that you think is yours and a seat that he knows is not yours oh i almost would like to make it happen he doesn't really use words just his big furry libyan eyebrows would crunch up oh it'd be so worth it the aggro you'd see at quarter past eight in the morning oh i'm too much of a people pleaser fuck off if you think this bit is yours the same with people who are like this is my house and this is this is the bit outside my house and this is my parking spot you're like listen i know you want it to be but it's not you don't have a drive. You have a road. Did you see the clip that went by of a guy trying to put a blanket down? He put a large blanket down in his parking spot.

Like a German with a towel. No, and then drove off to work. This is mine. People put cones out. I love it. I think that's common in the US as well. They'll stick cones or benches. People have tried cones on my road

my road is small and parking is at a premium and people have tried to put cones out and the WhatsApp could have got spicy

yeah your road is the epitome epitome of it isn't it because no one's got a drive and it's it's it's a

it's a like it's busy yeah so of course you're like it's my house. This is my street. I want to be able to park outside. I get outside my house 20% of the time at most.

Yeah. It's whatever. Have I told you about the time when I had a neighbor war? So I live on like an end terrace. So there's like Gable End and it's in a car park where there's like, you can't park there, but I can park down the side. And then this guy kept parking in his van there's offices two doors down so i left the little note hi mate can you not park here it's my house it's on your drive uh so the gable end is mine yeah i know what you mean it's like an alleyway in a kind of yeah and then a few days

later park there again i was another note hi mate uh i've asked nicely can you and then he i just had a little post-it on mine no i'm like oh he's a bit of a prick adam so the next day i wrote on an amazon box folded it out fucking move your car put it on his windscreen oh you've gone cardboard yeah and then about two weeks later my two front tyres were slashed

he got out of hand what then when I saw him again I slashed two bin bags on his windscreen just covered the windscreen

in garbage and then he knocks on my door and he goes is this your fucking rubbish and I went yeah but it's in my parking, so it's fine, isn't it?

Like an absolute prick. And then he parks there again a few weeks later. So I go and knock on- How old is he? He's probably about my age, I reckon. Oh, shit. So I knock on the offices and this bald guy comes down and he's his boss.

I'm like, get that guy to move his van now. And he goes, yeah, yeah, I'll just ask him. I went, get him to move it now. Because I not i don't get lose my shit but occasionally slash your tires slash to my front tires cost your money yeah 140 quid oh mate honestly i'd blow his van up i'd go i blow his van i put a petrol bomb on his van so he comes out i and I go, move your car. He goes, it's not your fucking spot. And I went, move your fucking car.

The neighbours come out and they're like, is everything all right? I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's Marcy, yeah, it's absolutely fine. I always walk around

with a knife. And I went, it's on the deeds. I've got the deeds. Oh, you've got the deeds out. Did you get them out? Well.

I'll print stick, it's a cardboard. And he went, you show me the deeds and I'll move the car. So I'm going on my laptop, da, da, da, da, da. And I read the deeds. Oh no.

Oh no. And it says, I can park there, but it doesn't say no one else can park there. And I'm literally going like, oh fuck. Ah shit, my laptop ran out of battery. I tried to like write nice fancy language. So it's like something like the affirmation

the aforementioned address oh legalese so I wrote it and then sent it to my brother I said get in your handwriting send it me back photoshopped it

printed it out give it him he went oh I'm so sorry mate I fucking win and I'd be like 140 quid as well you're a fat prick

was he fat no he wasn't it's well. You're a fat prick. Was he fat? No, he wasn't. It's beautiful actually. Go down the list. Fat prick. It's on the deeds. Fat prick. Carl's angry.

Oh, who's who? Fuck. Can't do banter if you fuck it up. Someone spat at my car because I parked outside his house. Really? Yeah. I've told you the story.

I kept parking there because it was a new car. I'd just moved house. I wanted to keep the story. I kept parking there because it was a new car. I'd just moved house. I wanted to keep it safe. And he spat at her. And I got very angry. And my riposte was to... Jizz on it.

Throw beans all over his place. That's worse than... Do you know this is a public episode? You're being... What the fuck? I love it. It's fucking excessive. He rides a bicycle,

lives by heart. He's a biker. Why wants he rides a bicycle lives by his he's a bike why does he want your parking spot if he got a bike exactly oh sorry this is the fat kid no

do you know his cousins messaged me and said my cousin's the fat little geth that you so I've been

I've been having neighbour wars for a couple of years with Martin who lives next door yeah the other the other week I haven't like I've been having neighbor wars for a couple of years with Martin who lives next door yeah um the other

the other week I haven't like acknowledged this guy's existence for two and a half years now and to be honest after you get

over the initial like oh he's such a baller and he's annoying it's easier when you've had egginess with someone if you just ignore them

it's just easier but he's not enjoyed this at any point okay i saw my neighbor neil and he had uh he was just about to go out for a jog and he had his uh air pods in i went i did the neil neil and i could see martin was at the boot of his car and i was like it's eggy because he's there and he's clocked me. So I was like, fuck, Neil can't hear me. I just wanted to say something quickly.

So I was like, I'll just walk. It's two doors down. I'll just walk. So I set off and he set off at the same time. Walked. Like, it looked like he was just going to walk straight into me. I didn't change my pace. I didn't even look at him.

And he walked behind me and went. Oh, mate. I didn't even look at him. And he walked behind me and went. Oh, man. I just heard the laugh. But it was right behind me. I was like, what? What a prick. Just psycho behavior. However, this has been eggy for two and a half years.

If the kids ever say hello to him, he says hello. It's a weird balance of like, he obviously is like, you two are pricks, particularly you. Like, it's me that he fucking is annoyed by. But they've been born into a war zone. Do you know why? It's not their fault. He's fell out with the kids.

Tell him why you fell out with him. Just because we cut some, like... Because he made his garden nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You fucking savage. I cut a tree down and he kicked it off. You piece of... I'm team Martin, mate. But he also... I wouldn't even say hello to your fucking savage. I cut a tree down and he kicked off. You piece of shit. I'm team Martin, mate.

But he also- I wouldn't even say hello to you fucking kids. Weirdly, if the bins are left out, like I'll put their bins back to their gate. I'll fucking do that. And he's done it for me as well. So we go on holiday, say to his missus,

who we get on really well with, and his daughter, Dead Sound. Everything's Dead Sound with them. I was like, I've just left my bins out. Do you mind putting them back? Because we were going on the basically sunday the bins are monday morning and she was like yeah yeah we'll get them in no problem anyway when we got back from holiday the bins aren't just at the gate they've been taken through his gate put over the fence back in the exact order that we have so he's taken four empty bins lifted them over i was like has she done that doesn't think and i was like so i saw her i was like thanks very

much for sorting the bins and she was like oh no it was martin that did it so even though it's well egged the bins have come in and been placed and like not even just wazzed over in exactly where we put them he's reached them over there's an olive brand so i know that's been cut down if anyone does this sort of stuff for me i buy them a bottle of wine what yeah neighbors three for ten a seven pound fifty bottle all right fine i thought you were coming in with like but it was one of i always when i buy, because I don't know it, it's like, oh, it's £10.50, but it's down to £7.50.

I'm like, wow, it's a £10 bottle of wine for seven quid. So I message his wife and I'm always like, oh, I've bought a bottle of wine to say thank you. It's just over the fence.

Just thought... I just thought, you've been polite, we've been polite. Sound. Anyway, Laura gets out of the car on Mondayay and he goes thank you for the bottle first time he's talked to her in two and a half years thanks for the bottle of wine much

appreciated and she went apparently she was like she was so shocked that he was saying something like she went you're welcome and he was like he went thanks for doing it and he went anytime and so she came back in and messaged me she was like oh my god he's just said thank you and like it's so weird after so long of it being fucking i've written a bit about it and everything um so now i'm waiting to see where we're at like i don't know like you know I doubt there's too much. The fence panel pulled over, gardens. Classic. I almost want to go,

look, here's another bottle of wine. Can we just go back to how it was? What, like shit? Just the simplicity of like, leaving each other alone. Because now I'm waiting for the, morning!

Oh, oh my God. So it's, the ice has thawed. I think he just gets it. Bins mean lots of men and I never got this until I now live in a house. How do you want...

Monday morning. Mine's Tuesday. But I've got the alleyway next to my house, which means the bins get put there for a couple of houses near. But we haven't got purple bins

because of the size of our road. We've only got blue bins. Because you're not in Liverpool. And people... People keep putting bin bags in the alleyway who which means i i had a mouse maybe a rat in my wall recently it's gone now i've never um so i took a picture and put the whatsapp groups can please people be like a big like thing about bins i was like ah i am now a man yeah complaining about kids playing 14 in my car and i'm complaining about bins

i'm a grown adult and it'll just get worse the further away you get from your youth the more you'll be like it's just not on there's a way we do things round here it's the Spanish quarter of height but watching I literally did a day

parked my car up and the kids were playing footy and I'm watching a telly and I'm also looking out the window like that I'm like if that ball goes near my car I and the kids were playing footy and I'm like, I'm watching a telly and I'm also looking out the window like that and I'm like, if that, I'm like, if that, literally if that ball

goes near my car, I will kick it over the house. In the window, hands behind the back. So bad. Mate, the po-po turned up down the road.

We don't know exactly what it was about, but they took, two police cars turned up, lights flashing. Laura nearly fell out of the front window trying to lean out

to see what was happening. Loves it. It's good, isn't it? We've been there four years. We're not moving. She's like, something's happening on the street. Yeah.

But I called one of the kids a fat little cunt on this and his family found out. Nothing happened. He's still fat. Is he on a diet then now? No, he's horrible. He shot a bird. He shot a bird?

Yeah. He's outside my house. What kind of bird? A pigeon. I don't give a fuck. It's a bird. It's a living human. A living animal. It shot a bird? Yeah. He was outside my house. What kind of bird? A pigeon. I don't give a fuck. It's a bird. It's a living human. A living animal.

It's a living human pigeon. It's not anymore. Oh, fuck it. Are you shooting at me? I'm a human pigeon. They had a BB gun and they were like shooting the pigeons. What, like the Kiffin Toy Story?

Yeah. So I banged on the window and went, what, fucking pack it in. And they were like, there's no bullets in it. And I went, well, fucking move then.

And he shot me window so I opened the door and said shoot me out again you fat little cunt and he like ran off and then I told the story and his cousin messaged me and said it's my cousin who's the fat little cunt we've been screaming in the house laughing when we heard it by the way what's happening with them pigeons that are like

fucking hell they've been shot should we fly off no no could be a random occurrence. I don't know. Might be those lads with guns. I don't know. Let's see how it plays out. Because what happens in my roads,

because of the way it is, people put bird seed on the floor to feed them. Where do you live? I know. Balamore? But then there's shit all over the cars. Scouts Balamore. That's only a fucking story.

Essentially, yeah. Balamare. But now your fucking story essentially yeah Balamari but now there's shit on my car I'm one thing away from taking a picture of my car going can we stop feeding the pigeons because

they're shiting on my car isn't it weird with like I think this is about pigeon shit quite a lot where if it was any other animal that had done a shit

on your car you'd just you'd take it off but you'd just go ah it's fine innit like if a horse had done a shit on your bonnet you'd go this is well out of off, but you'd just go, ah, it's fine, innit? Like if a horse had done a shit on your bonnet,

you'd go, this is well out of order. I don't know, I have been with Laura last year, but a bald eagle's shaft like lost control of its bowels. I've never seen a bigger poo on a car. I literally went in and went,

Laura, you've angered the birds because their king has flown to Sorghal and had dysentery on your fucking hatchback. Neil Buchanan's like that. It was so bad. And I'll say this,

like I know I'm responsible for a lot of stuff at the house, but I'm not responsible for cleaning Laura's car. Like I'm not doing it. I don't wash my own car. Sometimes bring it to the car park here and they do it. Oh, it's the best. That's my favourite. And I'm like, Laura, you need to get that off

because it's a fucking vulture. Like shit. There's the paint. And she was like, no, I know you need to get that off because it's a fucking vulture. Like, shit. There's the paint. And she was like, no, I know. I need to sort that out. Left it at least five days. Was it like boxing day? You can still see a weird outline of it.

It's never going to leave that car. It's disgusting. What? That bird must have flown low and then gone, oh my God, I've got dysentery. I'm going car shopping on Saturday with Terica. I'm so excited. Not for me,

for her, but that's just as fun for me. What, you're just picking a colour of a Fiat 500? Yeah, I've told her I'll just like, show what she wants. She wants a Defender.

What's a Defender? A Land Rover Defender. Yeah, on your road? I know, that's what I said. Covered in shit. I'm being milled.

Where have you parked? Chewbrook. I'm so shit. Have you parked? Tube roof. I'm so excited. I love car shopping. Yeah. She hasn't got a clue about cars. What do you mean, going? What?

How do you go car shopping? Do you just go online? No, go to all the showrooms. No. They're the worst. Do you want to come in from a diagonal? And use all the showrooms in the country. No, because on the dock road, there's Audi, Mercedes,

like all the showrooms are there. Yeah, but you're not like doing Audi mid-lile. You're not, oh, I wonder what they've got. You're going for a car. Yeah, but she doesn't know what she wants, so I'm going to show her all the cars. How do you not know what you want? Because she's a woman.

She doesn't know about cars. Whoa. She said this. She went, listen, I'm a woman. I don't know about cars. I was like, right. Saturday, all day, we're going to go in the Audi garage. We're going to look.

Oh, I'm so excited. That's my idea of hell. I'm going to end up getting a new car, and that's kind of what's exciting. Do you know where I got my car from? Facebook. Yeah, I got mine from Facebook. What could possibly go wrong, Harry?

Oh, thank God. Sorry, I got mine. Red flag. Harry just bought a car. The day before he got it, something went wrong, and we went, that's a red flag.ry just bought a car the day before he got it something went wrong and we went that's a red flag don't buy the car and he was like oh no i'm from weekend it'll be fine and now the guy's ghosting him and the car's not working it broke down off the lorry so so they he got so he wasn't on a lorry we didn't afford a lorry he was a fellow from uh

fleetwood he brought the car so he passed strongest man event so the car had been at a farm for like four years yeah that's yeah that's not a red flag instant and then he got delivered to our house taken off it passed its mot the day before and um the there was there was like no battery the battery didn't work and then you don't buy the car yeah so then they got a new battery and then they locked the keys in the car when the battery went in because the car, the electrics were faulty. So then my dad was like, so I still hadn't seen the car at this point. Of course you took your dad.

No, my dad did all of that. I just gave him. Yeah, four of them. I just gave him the two grand for the car. And then, yeah, and the car was fucked, whatever. Then for about three weeks, I was driving it,

but it was pissing oil everywhere. But I was like like it should be all right like it's not we've warned them we five you're an idiot and then and then it was getting quite i went to germany and came back and the road was ruined there was oil stains everywhere you would have been fucking you would have been right on that whatsapp group down here but i had a skins and aisle slicks mushrooms well i took it i took it to a garage bear in mind i only spent two grand the car and they were like yeah it's gonna be 700 pounds to to fix your engine he's essentially wrote the car off and he hasn't even driven it

yet and i came in and he was like don't you dare tell me about your car because everyone told me not to get it but it runs great it's great it's great it's fixed now it doesn't sound like it runs great. It's fixed now. It doesn't piss oil everywhere. Yeah, but you've had to pay that. It's essentially a three grand car now. Yeah, it is. No, because he gave me a bit of money off for the hassle of dropping it off. How much did he give you off? 700, 200 quid.

For the hassle of dropping it off? No. Just a lad from Fleetwood with a car in his back. No, he was like 70. It's the most red flags I've've ever it's like being in a red flag it's got a six it's like being in a

Liverpool match yes yes it's such a tricky analogy like being in a red flag factory I couldn't think of a

team that wore red like it's a Chinese government official you know. That's a good one there. It's like being in a Russian roulette when it's all in red and there's a flag. It's got a 6 CD player though. And that was the selling point?

It's pretty cool. I've got Lady Smith, Blackman, Bazzo. It's cool. Apple played. What did you just say? You've got Lady Smith, Mambazo George Curl Apple Play What did you just say? You've got Lady Smith Black Mambazo But 10 songs

It's like a South African Yeah we know who Oh I didn't know who they were Yeah but you're not even What did that come with a car? No that's what he's listening to Who the fuck's Black Mambazo? Lady Smith Black Mambazo

I don't know who that is Yeah no one knows who it is Because he's saying it wrong Lady Smith Black Mambazo Is it? I thought it was an M Mambazo You're saying it so well he's saying it wrong. Lady Smith, Blackburn, Barza. Is it? I thought it was an M. Basso?

You're saying it so well. Have you got Johnny Cash in there? I have got Johnny Cash in there. Johnny Kashish? I've got Johnny Cash. It's all knockoff songs. He was like, no, they're good, them. Johnny Cash. Johnny Cash.

Frank Sinatra. Frank Sinatra. Pez. Pez names. Yeah, it's great. And it shuffles like a jukebox. Are you names. Yeah, it's great. Aren't they just, and it shuffles like a jukebox, you know, it's weird.

So like, fuck me, Harry. What, have you run yourself over like the fucking guy from E17? It's the most wigging thing, isn't it? It's got four wheels and it goes sometimes and it's six CDs and I can change them

without having to bite them or nothing. It's got more CDs in it than gears. Sick. Well, my dick just got a little bit hard. We need a break, boys. That's got more CDs in it than gears. Sick. Well, my dick just got a little bit hard. We need a break, boys. That's how he picks women up. Got more CDs than gears,

you know what I mean? I've got more CDs than convictions. Get in the back. Lids, do us a favour, yeah? You love us, don't you? You love this podcast. That's why you're listening to it.

And especially if you're watching on YouTube, helps us immeasurably. If you go and leave a comment, like and turn the bell on it it sends us through the roof with the algorithm it costs you absolutely not on a path from half a second of your life and helps us no end and you can follow us on socials can't you yeah i have a word pod i nearly said my handle then i have a word pod Just give us a follow and comment and don't just like something. Retweet it, share it, put it on your stories. Just be sound. It's nothing to be nice.

Be a good egg. Oh my God. That's a cute dog. That's a whole cute dog, bro. A hell baby. Sit your little bum down. That's weird for audio, isn't it? Sit your little bum down.

If you're listening on the audio Brendan's dog's in and it's half the size of the dog you're thinking at least that is a cute

doggy this is the question I get asked from Have A Word fans more than I get asked three questions what's Ellie Gould

and Fanny like that's number three in at number three is that expensive in at number three Ellie Gould expensive after fanny like? That's number three. In at number three. Expensive. Expensive. Expensive after the CBeebies incident. Yeah. Spenny.

Number two, people just shout, you suck your own dick. Thank you. So I met fans on holiday and they were speaking about you. I don't know why. It was like a...

I don't know why. I don't know why he came up, but their first question was the ellie gildan thing and then the second thing they said was i can't believe he sucked his own genuinely that's what she is and then number one is do you still share the dog yeah i mean do you clearly still share the dog she doesn't look real although oh my god look how chill that she is she's just like a fucking draft excluder that is so cute Wallace is cute but he's a

he likes to move do you get nervous because is it Scruff yeah Scruff's a small lady dog you know in a park if a big dog

comes up and has a sniff like a sexy sniff you're like you could kill my dog with your dick yeah Scruff looks at me

and I go you're on your own, mate. There's nothing I, you are a fleshlight now. But she's pretty, like, if someone comes sniffing around a fanny, because it's a bit of an outie fanny. Bulbous. It's like fortune cookie-esque.

Like someone's just stuck one on. Tasty. So if any, tasty, yeah, yeah. And educational. Yeah, it's got aspiration something inside yeah a womb um and she um she'll take care of herself if a dog tries to throw one up what she'll wank herself off i'll take care of myself with a paw no she can lick her own fanny i thought it skips the generation but we've got it

um shall we do some x yes yeah i want to we've got jingles being made haven't we because we need it but can someone do the brother what's that i've never seen that video someone messaged me and said use this for the x and then brother have you never seen it video. Someone messaged me and said, use this for the icks. And then I watched it. Oh, brother, have you never seen it? No. No, and then he said, could you make sure I get credit? But unfortunately, it was already a thing. Yeah, and also that's not how it works.

What vibe are you going for? Like, how do you do? Do you like pick a, off what you like, pick a genre? It's a bit Instagram TikTok hack already. Anyway, we're doing some icks. We're doing them icks and shows your dicks. I want to see your little nips.

There you go. That's it. That's soulful. Chris says, ick, my sister went on a date with a lad in the taxi on the way to the restaurant. His seatbelt got jammed and the taxi driver had to help him get out. She had the ick the whole date. That is, That's understandable.

One of the first times I met my mate's girlfriend, I had a black eye and she had to buckle me in. Why? What could she do with your eye? You know, because I couldn't see. I couldn't see where it was going. Perception, you're like... I was also definitely concussed, but I was like...

Was that from jujitsu or...? No, I got kicked in the face in goal. Yeah, he was swagging off for me, mate No, I got kicked in the face in goal. Yeah. He was slagging off for me, mates. My sister's mate. I had his Morissette concert. Yeah.

Whenever you have to get like a dad style bit of help on a date, it's the pom pom is dry. Loads of that. Like push on a pull door. Don't go to Alton Towers. Cause like there's someone has to strap you in yeah and especially if you're a fatty you have to go on the end on ripsaw do you know that when they go you and you to the end really yeah is that the rule you have big fat ones no fat is at the front one of my friends fat jenny right she's awesome but she's dead fat and she is

sorry we get a bit loud sometimes. Put the Pringles down, Van Baloo. Oh! The Jenny Mangle. She's going Disneyland, Disney World, whichever the one, and she's on a crash diet for six months because she can't get on some of the rides.

Wait, is it in front of the Disney World? But that's like America fat. Yeah, she'll look thin over there. Yeah, but she can't get on. She said she can't go on she said she can't go on the Tron ride because she said some of her hips

will get jammed in the bitch I've got so many hips if you can't get on rides at a theme park I wouldn't go no you wouldn't I'd be like

I'm not even going to risk the embarrassment of you like the height they should like they've got like a width one if you're fatter than this

you can't i once got stuck in a jumper because i've put on a bit of weight in a shop and that was hard enough oh my god honest to god i was this tiny little i bought this adidas vintage jumper right and i got in it and i was like trying to take it off and there was only me and the guy in the shop in athlex palace goth paradise and i was tits out everywhere i was like in the thing and i went oh pick a boo oh so i tried to pull it out with a sleeve and the sleeve ripped and i saw the guy looking at me and i went i'm gonna have to pay for it like literally my flat i'm gonna i'm gonna have to pay for this is the money cut it off me feed the money can you take the tag off i'll be wearing it home mate you're definitely

not a medium you fat Jenny does she know she gets called fat Jenny yeah right yeah she does now

PH though oh so it's empowering no she's F she's always been big but she knows she's fat Jenny but we don't know

any other Jennennies we could just call her jenny that's the sad thing about it four jennies you need to you know lucy says x men with long fingernails lucy it's well trodden but absolutely i don't give a fuck if you're a guitarist you can play flamenco guitar all you want like it's for picking you're like you look like a fucking wizarding aunt the least sexy thing is when um people who grow their little fingernail long for their job who for the job yeah what's the job uh i've seen catching come here jock coke deliverer i've seen oh that's the only acceptable oh now we're back on his phone. Is it Barber's? I think I've seen like where he's with it

for like, yeah, like opening paint pots and I don't know. What? What? That is not what they're doing. Fucking rhino horn fingernail. That is gross. Oh, you could like, I think the only acceptable way for a tradie

to have a long fingernail is if it's got the measurements on it and you just stretch it out. It's a measure indeed. Six meters that way. I don't care how long your fingernails are. No, I do. There is a limit.

But any fingernail length where you've got dirt under your fingernails. Occasionally though. What are we doing? What are we doing that you're not clocking it? But do you ever have one day? Like sometimes. What are we doing?

I've literally looked across at Rowan and gone you need to clean your fingernails you fucking scruff do you never get one though like you're just going

about your business and you're like whoa it looks like my fucking finger's been underlined it's like just one and you just go

what have I been doing you get rid of it instantly but I don't know it's horrible there's some rock stars that would grow their fingernails out

so they could snort drugs off them. Yeah, that's... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just different. Anyone who says pacifically instead of specifically. Yes, Lucy, you're right. That is stupid people, isn't it? Yeah.

But I'm... No, I think grow up. Because you know what they're saying. It's like when people are like, it's Y-O-U, apostrophe R-E. You're like, you know I mean your. No, that's not in speech. You can't.

Yeah, it is. Who does. Your. Your. Their. I don't know. Their. You can't.

No, loads of spelling mistakes. Unironic. Like, that would give me a bit of an ick. Would it? Yeah. A little bit. If someone texts actually and says oh you're so fit and it's the wrong you're if it's in sexting no then i'm like if they're talking

about like oh yeah it's their thing and they spell it t-h-e-r-e i don't know i know i'm being i know yeah yeah i expect you to be because you are a word nonce but i see it as well i was seeing a girl who spoke she was a um thanks mate that's so good it was probably it was probably were we mates when i had a flat in didsbury on my own or what did you when did you turn up in standard about 2010 yeah it would have been about then she was older she had a job but she she got some bar shifts. I'm saying older. She was probably like 30 at the time. And I was about 28 maybe. And she was, we got on pretty well,

but she was a bit feisty. Do you know what I mean? Mank. Like it was a weird thing in Manchester. Because you'd go out loads, but you wouldn't meet loads of manks. Like we knew a lot of people who were students and there was a lot of people who were students and there

was a lot of graduates and we'd go out and then all of a sudden you're like oh that's an actual proper 0161 yeah money on the map mate like and they'd be like yeah i'm from fucking garton or instead they're all beginning oh and ashton denton oh yeah anyway she was there was a point where we were we like saw each other a bit, slept together a couple of times and we were messing. Bastard, you love it, you,

you know. Fucking Andy Burnham. And she messaged me and it was maybe like the 10th message we got either way. And it was fucking gobbledygook. No, yeah, she, I just couldn't,

it just, I had to go please i can't understand what you mean like there was your was always you are you are everything but this it's actually you post free are it so so condensed so i didn't know what was going on was like it wasn't like i'm 43 now so maybe i'd miss it but i was 28 it wasn't like i was fucking completely out of it i was like i can't read your messages you're's busting out ASLs, BRBs, WTFs. LMAO. I binned her off.

LMAFO. I binned her off. Like maybe a couple of weeks later, I was like, I don't see it going anywhere. You can't spell babe. She went, I let you ride me bareback. I let you ride me bareback. Actually, sorry.

I think I just went too. Sorry, I've been going through a hard time. Fucking hell. I thought you was special did she spell bear right it was like the animal burback what i'm back like the fucking composer i let you ride me bear back look at all these records i remember once getting with a girl in my 20s who was from Salford.

And she, oh, she's, it was, that was an ick because we were getting on it together in a sexual manner. Wow. And then she went, snort some ding up me arsehole. What's that mean? What? Oh no, blow some ding up me arsehole.

Blow some ching ching? Yeah. I never did the bum old coke. Well, I didn't. I would love to. As an electric carpenter, I would... You can't with paper straws.

Fuck the turtles. Yeah, yeah. How does it work, though? You blow a lemon off an arse? Yeah, I know you blow a lemon off an arse, but it's not like a fucking magic potion. No, open straw, isn't it? Open straw!

Like Ricky the Steamboat Dragon. But it's not... How are magic potion. No, it's straw, isn't it? Oh, it's straw. Like Ricky the Steamboat Dragon. But it's not. How are you getting a plastic straw? Have you ever put a Mackie D's old school plastic straw with cocaine up a girl's bum bum? That is a scratchy insert. I think it's a milk primary school straw. Do you know what the blue one is?

You have to taste it. Capri Sun straw, you're that up in the arse. Yeah. Can't get it. I know she's dirty. She's got Ribena cartons everywhere. With no straws. We've got glass straws at home.

See, that'll be great for her. Oh, because Serica loves cocoa barass. Do you know what I do? I put in a sports cap and just... You just had to say no. No. No, she doesn't. Oh, God.

Thanks for clarifying. Why have you got glass straws? Because Serica loves a drink with ice and straws. Yeah, but what about a metal one? Because glass is better. So hang on. You've got the Coke in the straw, and then you've inserted, what, like an inch into...

No. How are you putting it in the straw? Because you don't want Coke on your bum hole. I'm fascinated by it. By the way. What, like a margarita? If a girl from Salford had said, put some ding on me bum hole,

I would have been down there snuffling for truffles going, we'll find the apparatus, mate. I didn't know what to do. I prepared to be good. Did you have Coke? I didn't, she did. I think I was meant to bring a straw.

Have you got your straws on? That's it. I didn't have a straw. Stick some Coke up my ass. I didn't, she did. What? I think I was meant to bring a straw. Have you got your straws on? That's it. But I didn't have a straw. Stick some coke up my arse. I don't even do it. Can't say that back. Put some ding up my arsehole. But I haven't got a straw.

Have you brought the receptacle? Ding. Ding. Is that what we're calling it? Did she not mean cock? Did she say, did she say something? No, she said ding. With nine A's.

Nine A's. Ding. Nine A's. Ding. Nine A's. Ding-a. Ding. Ding. Yeah, like a dial-up connection. Ding-a.

Oh, okay. Anyone does a head wobble, we have to cut it out. Luke says... I've got a nick, by the way. Go, go, go. I found out how Americans say niche last night. Yeah, niche. Yeah.

I hate how they say caramel as well. Have you heard them say caramel? They say caramel. I hate how they say Craig. Craigie. They say Craig. Craig? They say like Craig.

Like Greg? Yeah, Craig they say. Who say herb as well? Oh, like herbs and basil. Yeah, fuck them. I ate them. I love you, Jilly, but you know,

everyone else, fuck them. she's sicker she's so nice wonderful woman Luke says now then Lyds I went on a date with a girl

and she went over to a big group of lads to ask them for a cig instant ick feels like the same boat as when a girl

hugs the bouncers oh yeah if you're on a date and a girl hugs a bouncer ring a taxi and go home yeah

she's been getting roared at. Put your straw away. Go home. I don't know, Luke. End of the world asking for a cig? I mean, for Carl, the fact that you smoke. Bumming a cig. I think the equal fingers like a girl looking at a bouncer

is a man going boss man to a bouncer, like shaking people's hands. But if you're going over and bumming a fag, it's like, what are you doing? Like, you can't be, you know, you can't be asking asked let's move on because we all know what you are jack mcguigan says my ick is when girls don't wear the same brand socks as their trainers like a last showing up with unreal nikes on and has a stinking adidas socks on with them what you've got what jack you've got some form of footlocker ocd and you need to let it go.

I get it if it's Donny. If she's wearing Donny, but it's just Donny socks, isn't it? She's got Donny socks. She's wearing like... No, I don't care how fit you are. If you turn up and you're slashing your black sport socks, no one looks good.

Pulled high or just footy socks. If this girl that Jack McGuigan's got a problem with is cute, sound, she's not bumming fags, do you know what I mean? If she is so sound and fit, you are telling me, you're like,

oh my God, girl, get the fuck out of my sight. Cross-branding. Adidas socks with fucking puma. Oh, if she's got pumas on, go home anyway. No. Nothing wrong with puma.

No. There's some cool pumas. Nothing wrong with puma. No. There's some cool pumas. Nothing wrong with a good puma. They're sturdy. There's some cool pumas. They've got a nice instep. The way you said it. They come in a range of colours. There's nothing wrong with a good puma.

Hang on. I remember back in the day, all of this was pumas. No Tesco, only pumas. I want the definitive ruling on what trainers are ick

where's the gauge I'm sure there's some sound like New Balance there's some nice great balance Lonsdale

Lonnie's yeah you didn't even need to say it what are we saying about Crocs I don't like how people unironically think they're cool

they're not they still look horrible yeah I'm not or where Crocs are because you know they're meant to be ugly but I don't care how people unironically think they're cool. They're not. They still look horrible. Yeah, I'm not into it. Or wear clocks out because, you know, they're meant to be ugly, but I don't care. They're still ugly.

Girls in goalers? Sounds like a film. What, you went fucking taekwondo competition or what? To be fair to goaler, a few years ago, they brought out

a more indie sort of band trainer that wasn't as bad. Retro bags. If I wore goaler in this workplace. Oh, yeah, because it'd be, I don't know,

it's the rules. The secret rules that no one will ever see. They've been handed down from Scouser to Scouser. I'd never wear Puma. You can't wear Adidas and be a Scouser.

That's a fucking fact. Have you ever seen me wear Adidas shoes? Ever? No. It's the way you're like, no Scouser wears Adidas anything.

Why? We say Adidas for starters. There's just, there's just someone written rules like, no scouser wears Adidas anything. Why? We say Adidas for starters. There's just some unwritten rules, like Adidas web stigma. And I went, so I go out there to like a shop where it sells Adidas

and there's people wearing Adidas. Yeah, they're not from fucking Liverpool. They're wolves. But like Adidas, what are they called? The ones that are in it at the minute. Sambas. Sambas.

What, Rishi Sunak? Yeah, but he didn't make them cool. He made them uncool. What about Yeezys? They're dead now, aren't they? When they were, was that non-scouts as well? No, because they weren't necessarily

Adidas, really. I mean, they were, but... All right, cool. So, technically, you're out of that. I make the rules. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, cool. Sorry, there's not lads walking around

and fucking... Puma! Some cute girls could wear pumas. Yeah. That would not be a problem. I've got some cool... Oh, I think Gail's going to be with a lot more than men. What about Reebok?

Saying that, Seneca's got... I like Reebok classics. Girls in... Like, that's a girl shoe. Seneca's got lovely Reeboks. The UFC... Yeah, she has. I've seen her.

The UFC era... The UFC era Reebok logo. Not for me. Oh, no, that stinks. Yeah. What about Under Armour trainers? No. Scouts, lads love them.

The minging. On girls? No. We're doing ics, aren't we? Oh, on girls. Oh, girls can wear anything. Or boys. Or boys.

There's not much a girl couldn't get away with compared to a boy. Barefoot? Yeah. I love feet. Like Diana Vickers style? Does she not wear shoes? not on the x factor have you seen that australians don't wear shoes and they walk around the streets yeah do you know i actually don't want to listen to this we're on the beach and john you're gonna pay for your bed

like the are you trying to describe a hotel the sun sun lounger fella comes around goes cash only i was like fuck sake i was like right where's the cash point he went it's up there so I was like right I think he means on the beach so I've only got my shorts on so I walk off the beach and then I walk through this like arcade with like

restaurants and shops it isn't here I just walk into the town I've only got shorts on 28 days later I look like a freak I'm just in all of a sudden

I'm in Warrington and then so I ring Cedric I'm like right I don't know where the cash point is I'm going to come back and whatever

as I'm doing that this car pulls up blew my car and this fella's like and I thought it was a taxi like oh should it be in and I went no mate you're alright

no and I'm on the phone and he's going I'm like lad I'm alright don't worry and he's like what and he went put his shirt on and it said on the phone and he's going I'm like lad I'm alright don't worry and he did it again I was like

what and he went put his shirt on and it said on the side police police put his shirt on and I was basically

going fuck off and I was like oh yeah Carl what's this is in Spain it was like a it didn't look like a police car

it literally says Polithia no no no it didn't it was like oh I nearly knocked under the table Polithia. No, no, no, it didn't. It was like... I nearly knocked under the table. Polithia.

I've spent some time. Dof, cerveza, please. Polithia. I asked for a... I asked for a... Two beers for the police. I asked for a beer on holiday. I went,

can I have a dos estrella Galicia? Laura went, he's not going to suck you off. He's not going to go, oh my God, you speak the language that give me the yeah absolutely Seneca knows no Spanish

she's a bit silly sometimes and she didn't know what great pair of Reeboks on her though she didn't know what thank you meant so she said hola to the guy in the shop he gave us whatever and she went hola and i was like and i walked out why have you just said hello to the guy what it's the only the only word you need

for the whole holiday really is thank you gracias how many times when we were in portugal laura's like say obrigado one more fucking time i was like then i started leaning into obrigado obrigado and then etta started doing it's like basically went here's your things and she went hello hello really informal yeah she's all the police to fuck off like four times i was like oh did they just think he just thought i was being a rude English man. I don't think he thought you were being English. I think he saw you and went,

oh, it's just one of our homeless guys. Looks so stupid. I was just in the town with only shorts on. He's one of ours. It is mad, the same people that would walk through like Benidorm with no top on and shorts

and get annoyed at the same ones that I get annoyed about. Like people wearing hijabs over it do you know we like no it's not what we wear and then they walk through benidorm looking like they're about to do the fucking 100 meter swim we wear nothing there's a guy in the airport going oh join the plane was delayed oh of course it's a foreigner and then he went what anyway you're a foreigner we're in a foreign country you'd have guns he's like

oh of course yeah he was horrible of course it's a foreigner fucking bellend I was like we're foreigners we don't live here he wasn't a foreigner

he lived there he was Spanish I'll tell you what happened when I went to Australia where two flights a flight from Manchester to Dubai

or whatever and there was a woman sat in my seat and like a woman from the Middle East yeah and I went

oh I'm sat in she pointed to a middle seat and I was like not for seven hours mate I was like I'm there she gets up

move her and she sits in someone else's seat and she wouldn't sit next to me because I was a white guy but I didn't know

this the flight's about to take off and she's going like it was in whatever language don't do it english english it was yeah but i couldn't understand it um so and she was going and the woman's like like the air hostess is going no you have to sit down and she's going like like sort of spitting at me and then people are like now sort of going behind the seats trying to look at what i've done she wouldn't a man had to fucking move because she didn't want to sit next to me what if you don't fucking well embarrassed hang on did did

that leave an empty seat no i thought it was gonna i've been made up i would love someone to be racist towards me if it meant yeah i had an empty seat next to me. She was yelling and then... I ain't sitting next to no honky motherfucker. See you, Fat Jenny. I'll be shaving my head. Fat Jenny don't do that shit. Oh, yes. Fat Jenny talking about being from America and being black

and then talking about herself in the third person. Fat Jenny can wear Puma all she wants. And I'm taking them off on the fly. And I ain't sitting in this honky ass motherfucker. Fat Jenny needs two seats though, doesn't she? Fat Jenny needs a whole plane. It's the only thing that fucks and messes with Scruff. Oh, she's so, she's the cutest thing.

Oh, that's a nice doggy. Do you want to know one of my icks? What? Do you know when girls think they look nice, but they've not straightened that little bit of the back? That little mane, and it's like all curly. You should tell them. I just want to yank it.

It's minging. It's minging. Right, one last ick. Noah H says, an ick I got was a girl I was talking to was reading the Katie Price autobiography. It was the first book she decided to read since school and told me, thinking it would impress me.

I couldn't see anyone who unironically thinks Katie Price's autobiography is a good book. It's got a nice re-box, though. What an absolute set of re-boxes. Autobiographies are fine. Just whatever. If you're interested in that person, don't judge somebody by what they're interested in.

I don't know. That's a bit weird. Yeah, I love my wife dearly she reads some shite yeah but she watches some shite like there is a point

where you have to be like we're into different stuff exactly she loves the Cardusians she's so into it into it loves it

what is the point of me like that's there has to be a point with the X where you have to accept you're a bald overweight 43 year old guy. She's fine.

You know, if you like Katie Price, I mean, she's not my cup of tea, but read the book if you want. You're not going to let her much. She's got five books, you know.

Has she? Five. She knocks them out. More books. She knocks them out. Busy life. She's got less books than husbands. She's got big tits as well.

Three books. Big children as well. Three books. Big. Harvey's a fucking specimen, isn't he? If that's the word we're picking

he can't stop growing can he he can't stop growing can I just say about Kate Price can you say you can say whatever you want about Kate

fair enough she gets loads of stick it's almost too easy are we calling that she's fucking she's a good mum to that kid loads of dick

she's got like a kid with a disability 100% her whole life seems to be the focus of it and he's given us the meme of the century what a day what a day

she's so committed to it she's clearly a good mum and a good writer look how many books she's written she's written like 25 books I don't think she's written any Katie Price is a perfect pony

what Katie Price is a perfect pony what Katie Price is a perfect pony yeah she's got like she's got like children's books how old's Harvey I must be mid 20s now like she's dedicated

a lot of time to this kid she's actually yeah she writes under pseudonyms as well who's she she's Terry Pratchett

pseudonyms how old is he she wrote the communist manifesto he's 22. What do you reckon he does? That is such a weird angle to go as a comedian with the Harvey Price thing.

If there's people who don't like me, and I imagine there's a few, that is the epitome of it. I've gone for the Harvey Price thing. She's a good mum. My fucking old nightingale pulls no punches it's like you're in the

Iceland fucking PR team where you're like yep she's great she looks after him there's dad's bagger as well who's his dad

right we are bagger me is it yeah he's got a knife a goal kill one in both of them

right do the next one quick that's it I can't follow katie price oh it's hard to mention harvey when katie price gets brought up like what what are her other kids called uh she's got one daughter rafael princess donatello princess tiami crystal esther andre price that's one no there's no price. They're perfumes. That's um, Harvey. Harvey like Katie. Yeah. It smells like lasagna. Princess Tiarri.

You might as well call it 50% off. Harvey Prize. But that's Peter Andre's daughter. We're getting into dangerous worlds here now. There you go everyone. Let's have a break. That's awful. Fucking breathing space. Ladies and

gents, the legend himself, Mr. John Lynn is here. Oh, Johnny Lynn. The amount of times we've done your voice and said we need John Lynn on the couch is easy in dozens. Well, my phone was working the whole time, boys.

Not a word. Not a word. I would have flown here direct just for you boys well how hang on why am i getting you on instagram these days what happened there have you got an aussie phone all of a sudden um yeah all right okay yeah yeah because there i didn't use the uk one for six months over COVID. And when I got back, they deleted it. Right. So the number was up for repurpose. If you don't use it for six months,

it just goes back into the ether and gets, you know, sent out to somebody else. I definitely did have your number for a while. Cause I remember you whinging about, you were seeing someone at the time and they were like, man, if I don't, if I don't put at least three kisses on the end of a message, she goes fucking mental.

So every message between me and John for a while had at least like 40 fucking kisses. See you later. When are we meeting at the pub? Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss. My phone started doing that. I put in one kiss and it would provide 24 for the end of the text. That's how often I was doing it.

The phone actually went, we need to help this guy with this bullshit. And that's, yeah, you remember that girl, that tall blonde one. Yeah, she's a nice girl. She was a lovely girl, man. She was like an absolute goddess, a lady. But oh man, she was. But but like it's funny actually the um

i knew that wasn't gonna work out for a while because every time i went away she'd be like i'd be going to la for three months to do pilot season and all that shit and she'd be crying at the airport at the gate ball and her eyes out and i'd be ringing her lying on the phone like I'm out at a party hanging out I've just done the improv I'm having the time of my life and I'm like buzzing full of the joys then I'd call her and I'd have to be oh it's really hard over here baby I'm doing my best you know what I mean and this kept going on for ages and she said to me look you know this isn't working for me being with someone who's away all the time i want my man to be here and you got to decide you're going to be away

you know you're going to keep doing this and man and i was like mad into her but i was like i'm not giving this up just to sit in the flat which you love you know what i mean and she um john where are you i want my man to be here. Texted her that with 24 kisses. Well, she'd given me the ultimatum and I was away. I think I was doing that store run in Dubai and I kept just thinking of her one whole day. I was thinking of her all day and I was like,

man, she's in your thoughts the whole time. You've got to, you've got to end this. She's an amazing woman, but this just isn't right. So you've got to end it. And all day, and I woke up that morning, she's in my head again. I said, right, I'm just going to do it. If I fly back there and I meet her physically,

I'm not going to be able to do it because I'm a wimp. I'm a coward. So I went, I'm going to ring her right now. So I rung her up. I said, baby, I've been thinking about what you said. And you're right. Well, this doesn't work. You know what I mean?

I'm away all the time. You need someone there. I think we should end it. And she burst into tears, like real hysterical and she wasn't like that. And I said, listen, why are you, I said, you gave me the ultimatum. Why are you so upset about it?

I thought we're, you know, we're talking about this. And she said, I know, it's just, I didn't expect you to call me and dump me on my birthday. And then I was like, oh, that's why I've been thinking about her all day. called me and dumped me on my birthday. Oh! And then I was like, oh, that's why I've been thinking about her all day. And it was April the 1st. And I went, how do you forget that, man?

How do you forget April the 1st? And she's crying. And then I took a moment and I went, only joking. I'm taking you to Spain. Oh, my God. April fools. April fools. April fools.

I put down the phone and I had to book a five grand holiday that would have cost about 1,500 too and tell her I booked it three months before that and we were together for another two years. That's who you're dealing with here. That's cowardice, boys. That's cowardice. I love when. That's cowardice, boys. That's cowardice. I love when you talk about a part of it. You sort of look off into the distance like a D-Day veteran.

You're just like, oh, the blonde. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, because it turns out it was a mistake. Surely you can't struggle with the ladies with that hair, that moustache and that voice, though. Mate, this moustache is this. So I'm up for a part right and they told me they'd let me know yesterday because i said to me i said listen i'm on this have a word

thing and i said if i arrived there with a full tash these boys are just gonna rip the piss out of me for the whole time and she said oh we'll we'll let you know but this is the difference between ireland and england because i'm walking around dublin with this and the shit I'm getting just I walked into the long haul pub on Monday and this old man's at the bar reading the paper and he just looks up and goes ah Jesus it's fucking magnum pi and put the newspaper back up didn't even wait for a response you know what I mean I've gotten the whole uh uh Escobar shit I've gotten the whole uh just for the audio listeners john like if john time traveled 50 years back in time right now he would be so sound yeah like there would be no need miami miami fucking yeah yeah i got my dad's 1955 waltham on to This This watch was

My dad was In America Labouring like years ago In the summers And his uncle gave him this watch It's not expensive It's the most mass produced watch In the world

But I thought my dad Was sentimental about it Right and He was having a few Money problems And I noticed The watch was sitting In a drawer

And I said to my mother That watch is in the drawer What's wrong with it My mother says It's all broken your dad brought it to someone says it costs about three times what the work what the watch is worth to fix it so he's just letting it go and I went I just can't afford it the poor fucker you know so I went took the watch sent it to a maid of mine as a photographer in Sweden because they still have watchmakers there dude fixed it up sent it back and I handed it to my dad and he opened it

and I said, I got your watch fixed for you, dad. He looked at me and went, what does this cost? And I told him and he said, you fucking idiot, it's worth a quarter of that. This is why I worry about you. You're going to end up as a fucking pauper. He walked out the door and didn't speak to me for about two days.

Do you know what you should have done with the ex? Go on. Or a watch. What's the park when you say? I can't say or I'll get, I'll be in, yeah. Is it Hollywood? Or is it? It's, I can say it's Netflix.

Listen, man, it'll be a game changer for me if I get it. If not, I'll be crying, shaving off this tash. for me if i get it if not i'll be crying shaving off this tash is it a period tears melding into me tash i'm guessing it's like period yeah yeah yeah in the 80s yeah yeah or else it's like a village people documentary you're playing all the parts like a professor you want to see me doing those uniform changes it's unbelievable it's like you know's like, you know, Lady Gaga. You pull it off. If I was walking around with that,

I'd look like a sort of porn intern, but you look... Oh, you're nailing it. You look fit. Thanks, boys. Yeah, it's annoying. You know, after all the years, that is the nicest thing you fellas have ever said to me.

How's LA? What's the... Because you go back and forth i do yeah yeah yeah oh man la was like yeah la was man it's great over there but it is so hard you know like i'm you know you're going for auditions and you know you might think you're hot shit over here there's 10 people going for an audition and you're like okay they're great're great, but that gives me a one out of 10 chance. Over there, it's like 600 people going. What?

And 590 of them are brilliant. And LA is, man, it's tough going. Do you know how close I got to Leonardo DiCaprio? A help, a mate of mine, a photographer, he said to me, my assistant hasn't shown up. He said, I need someone just to move the lights around and, you know what I mean, get us tea and all that. I said, great.

So he'd lent me his flat for a few weeks. So there I am, and I got talking to this model lass. And you meet a lot of models in LA. A lot of them are vacuous idiots, but this lass was class. Came out from the Midwest. And real just normal girl. Stunningly beautiful, but not a weirdo. Just normal chatting to you.

She came out with her boyfriend and all this. And I was talking to her about, man, this town's nuts. And she went, oh, you have no idea. She said, do you know about what Leonardo DiCaprio does? I said, no, no, no. She says, when he's in town, she says, every Tuesday, he looks through all the model catalogs at the girls he likes. And then he rings the agencies

and invites about 30 of them to cinema night on a Tuesday night. 30 girls show up, they watch a movie, they have something to eat, a few drinks and Leo talks to them all and then decides

who he wants to bring out for dinner. And then on a Thursday night, he does the same thing but boat night where he'll have 30 different models out on boat night and she got invited to one of these and her boyfriend was like man it's leo dicaprio go are you crazy go tell me the stories and she was like oh but he wants to like she says just go

so she goes out on the boat and man i can see why he's a bit smitten by her because she's one of the like she can talk a lot of them you're not getting it's like playing tennis with someone who's not hitting the ball back to you but she's chatty and then he says we should go for a bit of dinner and he says look you know or sorry she says look you know i told you i have a boyfriend leo i just came here for the experience i'm not going for dinner with you and he says look well look i know that i know that nothing just as friends we should just go for dinner and she went i've told you i have a boyfriend he with you. And he says, look, well, look, I know that. I know that. Nothing. Just as friends, we should just go for dinner. And she went, I've told you, I have a boyfriend. He says, just one dinner. He says, listen, mate, I've told you, boyfriend.

He said, and by the way, Leo, I hear you've been doing this for about 20 years. Surely you've had that much pussy, that much vagina. You're just like, oh, no, I couldn't do another one. I just, no, I love him, but I just, just could not do another one. And he looked up at her and he laughed and he went, one more. And to tell you how LA went, that's the closest I got to Leonardo DiCaprio. Making lattes for that girl. I'll make that sensational.

That doesn't make me hate Leo. No. He's got the... If he can do it and everyone's consent, why not? Just fucking do it. Yeah.

It's fun, isn't it? That idea of like... Girls think he's creepy, though. I'll just go through the catalogue like he's going through fucking the Argos catalogue. Circling him. I want that for Christmas.

Mum, can I have that on a full payment plan what I'd love is the debate between numbers 27 to 30 you know the last three yeah

how he works that out when it goes to public vote like the X Factor you can vote your favourite three judges' houses yeah maybe it's like live at the Apollo

and like Leo these are all white girls we need some sort of you know representation within the 30. Yeah, he's mixing it up. What a mad life he's got. But girls get the heck about DiCaprio now because of that. I think they say they do, but if he turns up and he's thick.

I think it's on the turn, isn't it? In another 10 years, he's going to be the creepy older dude, but he's still mid-40s, isn't he? And he still looks good. In 10 years, that catalogue 30 is going to still mid 40s isn't he and he still looks good in 10 years that catalogue 30 is going to get ropey or anything he's going to go from

like Argos down to Index it's going to be like I can't even get 30 well doesn't he bend them at 24 yeah doesn't he move on

with the 24 yeah he keeps getting older they keep getting younger I went on a date with a 24 year old and I'm how old are you now 37 ah you do not look 37 all after i'll address it cheers yeah i don't dress it what's your exfoliation regime you gotta just make me tears um and it was the

more oh it was vacuous it was i just felt like I was again like that tennis thing where you're just going like yeah this is me this is more me this is more and they're just going yeah yeah

that's quite a rare skill now you know two-way conversations really I saw it I saw it like I've been to a couple of weddings this month

and met new people I always ask questions I love getting to know people and at the end I'm like you know nothing about me because they never ask the question because they're like yeah people love talking about me. Because they never ask the question. Because they're like, yeah, people love talking about themselves. Well, that's a complaint about if you speak,

some of my female friends through the years, they're like, if you can get to the end of the day and a guy has never gone, so what about you? And what do you do? What about your work and family and what you're into? Because men will happily go, do you know what? If you keep asking questions, I am interested. Let me tell you all about me.

And also, what are you into at 38? She's probably like, yeah, he seemed nice, but he's fucking boring. Nah, I'd like, I showed it like my allotment. Can I?

Look, we found an original radiator that suited. That's amazing. It's such a rare skill now that if you've got it, you just ask questions speak

be interested don't sit and talk about yourself I'm beautiful but vacuous just like what do you like I don't know it's mad

like such an easy thing to do but that's I've said this before the best compares are the ones when they ask a question to an audience member they actually give a shit

they want to learn something they're not just thinking where's the joke where's my next joke and where's the joke where's my next joke and that's the same in conversation isn't it when you're talking to someone you're going you're waiting for me to finish so you can go yeah that happened to me i did this you're like not playing conversation here's my version of what's happened like no listen to me and apparently it's a bit of an adhd trope like a is it is to be like, we're talking about this.

Here's my version of it. Here's my things about that. Rather than going, hey, what happened there? Yeah, I'm watching it when I'm slowly being diagnosed. I had a thing on holiday where I, like at the start of the holiday, I'd just been away with Laura and we had five days. And at the start of it, I was worried. This is such a mental thought.

I was like, we haven't spent five days with each other, with no one else, no kids or anything, since the fucking honeymoon, eight years ago. No way, because when I was on holiday with Laura, I had this weird moment of like,

what if we just get to day two and go, fuck, you're boring. Like that. That didn't happen though. No. I think that's what happened with me mum and dad. What? Like when I moved out,

I was the last one. They'd been together for 40 years. Within four days, they were getting a divorce. I moved out on the Wednesday, on the Sunday. I think they both just went. Oh no.

Now what? Corrie's boring, isn't it? Like they just sat there for four days. It went dark, light, dark, light, dark. My mum cheated. Light. Damn. There's always something to get to know with with people even if you've been with them that long there's always things that you can learn about each other don't be like i know you now cool let's watch the telly what was the last good

thing that you that um your bird just like where she goes oh did you know this you go no way about um i don't know there's me saying that i don't know. There's me saying that. I don't know. That's the thing, isn't it? You mate. The best couples I know, they're mates. They're mates that want to shag. I know that's a generalisation, but if you can sit, like, I could hang out with Laura.

If we weren't a couple and we weren't into each other, we could chat and hang out. She's funny. She makes me laugh. She laughs at my shit jokes. That's enough. And then then you know a little bit of sex

sometimes pretty nice tiny bit you got oh say that again can I have some headphones that was

when you said that that's all you're hoping for after how many kids have you got now Daniel 17 17 two with Laura

you should be able to spend time with your partner and be like you're cool and if you're spend time with your partner and be like, you're cool. And if you're spending time with your partner and you're bored, there was a little, just a little chink of glory.

On the beach? A little. Welcome to the Have A Weird Podcast, John. Thank you very much, Dan. That foot massage was excellent. Well, listen, my fingers are hurting, so um what are you doing now you're in oz so in oz yeah so uh give me the fucking yellow car yellow oh shit yeah see in vegas yeah so you're in oz now is that the you know are you everywhere where the fuck

aren't you you've got watchmakers in sweden all up man i'm like the holy spirit i'm here there i'm everywhere but you just can't tell i'm like a ghost you've been to africa as well haven't you john i have i have been to africa i think that's why i got into stand-up because i was always mad about traveling like and so i did the i backpacked through africa when i was 22 all the way down uh all the way down to cape town through zimbabwe when mcgabee was kicking off and all that shit. Well, I think when I started doing standup, I was like, man, this is a way you can just keep backpacking and traveling forever.

Get paid. And get paid. And you'll get plugged into, instead of arriving to a fucking hostel where you're sitting there hoping someone will talk to you, you arrive to a gig and a promoter. It's the best. It's the best. So when people go, oh, where have you been in the world i'll i'll throw out some places like i've been to old man i've been to bahrain i've been to new zealand like you're like you get to throw those i would never have got there of my own volition yeah like stand-up gives you this thing of like listen even if it's shit you

go and see yeah doesn't matter you're gonna get paid you're gonna get treated pretty well it's a great way to see everywhere oh man amazing amazing like like the the stories i have yeah i was i did muscat too and had like one of the best weekends of my life there a shake dude came to the gig and took us around like it was mental i don't remember we were late i was gonna miss the flight and he called the airport and said, hold that plane. That's so sexy. It's crazy. You mean influence rather than bomb threat? Yeah, yeah.

Like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I've got an Irish guy. Don't move the fucking plane. We've been drinking all day. Hold the plane. Yeah, the heat out there is, I've never experienced anything like it. I arrived and I went to do it with Mick Ferry.

By the way, just in terms of the managerial squad selection for that one, where are they going? The middle? Is it Muslim? All right, cool. We'll have John Lynn and Mick Ferry. And Paul Thorne.

Oh, wow. Who was getting so pissed off because it was a real empty flight. So the stewardess has pretty much rolled out the drink trolley and went, help yourselves, boys. And the show wasn't until the next night. So myself and Mick went, and we were already steaming getting on we we got out to the airport hours earlier for a few pints he flew down from manchester and by the time we got off the flight man i could barely walk and i got up to the

the kind of immigration thing yeah they do a visa it's not easy is it the visa thing but they put me down as uk and i I'm Republic of Ireland. So next minute, there's a whole shit show. And I have to explain that my passport's different. And you try and do that after 20 points with Mick Ferry. You try and sit him down and go, it's a clerical error. After 20 points with Mick Ferry. I was sitting there like, I'm going to jail.

Ecumenical, man. And Thorny ditched me, too. I was sitting there like going, I'm going to jail. Heck your medical manner. And Thorny ditched me too. That was the guy's thing. He was so pissed off from me being so drunk and keeping him awake the whole flight. He just fucked off to the hotel and left me there. Little shit bag. You do, you do, you get to those,

the, the, Bahrain's a bit easier. I don't imagine Dubai is, but with Jordan and- Katie Price. Yeah, yeah, with Katie Price, who's a great mum, by the way. The country of Jordan has some lovely Reeboks on her. And then Muscat, like there are, it feels like the six, they're all in the shake garb. Yeah, yeah. It's not, I don't think they make great podcasters, I'll like there's six. They're all in the shake garb.

Yeah, yeah. It's not, I don't think they make great podcasters. I'll put it that way. Like, it's not a laugh. Like, it's really fucking dry and shitty. Do you have a laugh behind closed doors, though? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, illegally. All right, yeah, yeah.

Come back tomorrow. Come back, we're doing a podcast. My first Middle East was with Stade, and they were just so panicked the whole time that he'd say something crazy, you know, but I was just so happy to be there because I did Tom's, well, actually, Roe Campbell did the first one.

I did Tom's next three UK tours. And at this time, I can say this now because he's gone on about, as you're aware, he's a degenerate gambler so we're doing this tour and we're selling out venues but Tom's gambling everything you know what I mean so we ended up like we were on Aberystwyth in Wales and we gambled everything we had and we ended up going into this pub in the middle of the day and And it said, and it was the grimmest looking shithole. And it's a pub that's open and booming at 10 o'clock in the morning.

You know, one of those. And there's a sign saying rooms upstairs. And Tom says to the guy, yo, buddy, how much are the rooms upstairs? And the guy says, and he looked like this. It's £25 pound and tom goes oh and his reaction is oh that's cheap and the dude thinks oh i've gone too high here and he goes for the both of yous and so we go up to the room for 25 pound and man you won't have seen it. It was like a heroin den. It was Tom's cracking up laughing. And I go into the loo for I'm having a pee.

And I lift up the toilet seat and it just rolls off. It's not attached. They've just placed it on the jack. I lift it up and it rolls off. Tom's cracking up laughing. And I'm laughing too. And I walk back in the room. And I do that kind of fall back onto the bed.

Oh, home sweet home. And I fall back. There's no fucking mattress. It's just wood. And I crippled myself. I'm hobbling around. And then we got to Burnley one night and like, man, there's a 700 theatre sold out. We're queuing up sign and posters and shit at the end. it's all rockstar but that fucker's gambled everything so we stayed in a homeless shelter cost us £6.50 each, and we're in this homeless shelter and we go up and there's no window well there is a window but it can't close so there's like a gale force window, it's like we're in a fucking cave

on a rock face in Lord of the Rings or something and I was like Tom we're gonna get fucking hypothermia, man. You know what I mean? So I had to break into a derelict part of the building and rip these curtains off the wall, cover myself in dust and stuff them through the window. So the window would stop out.

Rock and roll, Danny. Rock and roll, baby. That was touring with Tom State. So when we got to Dubai and we're staying in five-star hotels and these guys are going, can you make sure Tom doesn't say anything to get us in trouble? I was like, fuck ye. I'm going to my room, chilling.

I'm enjoying this. Whenever you get there, they're like, the first thing they say about Don is the royal family. Yeah. There's like a, they're like. Unwritten rule. And then they go, and comics are like, yeah, yeah,'s like a they're like unwritten rule and then they and they go and comics are like yeah yeah yeah and they're like no seriously yeah yeah you'll just be whisked away that'll be you gone and in prison for a bit there's like government

representatives just turn up and watch at the back because it's there's so few of these gigs going on and that's the big rule every building you go into there'll be few of these gigs going up and that's the big rule. Every building you go into, there'll be pictures of like the Royal family. You're like, okay. Tom Stade, it's the worst dude. Tommy, don't say anything about the Royal family. Who are these pricks? Tom is the worst dude for that shit,

but he's the best bloke. Did I ever tell you how I, so when I first moved to the UK I was kind of talking to different agencies And all this shit And I did Edinburgh And some of them came to see me So in the end it was the Comedy Store and Avalon But I really

I'd done TV and shit in Ireland and all that But I was like I'm not a good enough stand up So me moving to the UK because in Ireland you're doing loads of stuff you're doing bits of TV radio but you're not doing as many gigs as you do in the UK so my whole thing was man if I could get loads of stage time I could actually be really good at this so I wanted to go with the store and Tom was with the store so I'm meeting with Avalon the store Tom rings me and, I'm doing live at the Apollo tonight. Why don't you come down? He said, they're both going to be there. So they're deciding whether

they want me or not. And I get down and bear in mind, this is Tom's first live at the Apollo back when it meant something. So it's one of the biggest nights of his career. And this is what a dude he is. He's thinking about me. And he says to me, come here. He says, walk over there and start talking to Don and Charlotte from the store. I said, what do you want me to talk about? He said, I don't give a fuck. Talk about the weather. Just stand over there and talk to them and don't come back for 10 minutes. And he went up to the Avalon robbing those heads.

And he said, listen, I know you're talking to Johnny about representation. Just want to let you know, as a mate, the store over there are offering representation now. And I'm talking to the store going, so how did you get in? You know, did you get the tube? Did you get anything? You know, it's a nice theatre, isn't it? It's so big.

And like, you know. On the night that he's at Lion of the Apollo. This is before he goes on, man. This is what I'm saying. Like, Tom's a wild man, but he's the most loyal legend. He's a good man. So I come back over to Tom and he goes, okay, that bit's done.

He says, now go over and talk to them. And I went over and I'm talking to Rob and the same shit, man. I think Lee Nelson was his act on that night and I'm like, oh, Lee likes to, you know what I mean? Blah, blah, all this shit. And Tom goes over and says to Charlotte and Don,

who are his management? Hey, look, I just want to let you know. If you want in on this, you better fucking jump aboard right now. And that night, they both offered me representation.

No way. He stayed. Through lies and deceit and friendship. Yeah, mate. I bet the celebration between two of you though because like because you both speak so like lovely and calm would have taken they were like oh my god you've been signing like i have been saying oh that's going to spend the ground in the casino and sleep in a homeless shelter let's celebrate tommy's a tom's just one of them guys who if he thinks you sound it doesn't matter where you are in the pecking order of things you're gonna get should be man yeah totally but

it's not it's not man even like i remember when certain guys who kind of didn't want to have much to do with you and then i got a couple of breaks or whatever was in a bit of stuff and suddenly it ended like oh you can sit with us i'm like yeah i don't want to fucking sit with you now you made me fucking you know i was like the dog and the kennel out the back i was on the property but i was looking through the fucking window and now i can come in oh fuck you man and that's what i always loved about when i met tom i wasn't even really doing stand-up i was i mean i've done a couple of gigs but i just how did you meet him so i i was i was in a bookies in kilkenny because i was working there because i owed i owed

some money and they used to give actors jobs in Kilkenny so you had to run around and give guys their like you know their festival passes and shit so I had to give like Zach Galifianakis to give him his pass and kind of you're on at this time and you're blah blah blah and

anyway I'm sitting in the bookies having a flutter and next minute I hear fucking go red. And I look behind and, excuse me, I see the lovely Tom Stade. And do you remember an Irish comic, Colin MacDonald? Yeah, yeah, I remember the name. He came over for a bit, but he didn't take my brilliant, amazing comedian. Like ask any Irish comedian.

But he found the uk in ireland you can go real deep in stories and he found the uk the club scene like jonglers and two bang bang he went oh man this isn't what i said this and he went back to him but class you guys had amazing comic but he had done the adelaide festival with tom so i heard tom screaming at the thing and i kind of turned around and because tom's obviously pretty noticeable like dude and then i went oh you're that canadian guy i said i'm colin mcdonald's mate you did adelaide i love colin and i was like i'm working at this thing he said come to the gig and then we just started hanging out having beers and

he was like man you're funny and i was like i'm more into the acting and he's like you should do stand up dude and then i was like oh maybe i'm fucking sure and i saw tom then and man he was fucking amazing like that was when he was doing all that shit like so i've been to China. Great wall. Great town. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, great town. They got a wall. Nice town. That's what he used to say. Yeah, they got a wall. His great wall was, we got a wall behind my parents' house

and we can smoke weed and nobody can see it. That was a great wall. That was a great wall. You know, all this shit. So I hadn't seen Antler. He was just so funny out of a... The one I always go back to, and I've done it on this before, is the roadkill at the museum. He was just so funny out of it. The one I always go back to, and I've done it on this before,

is the roadkill at the museum. All the stuffed animals. Where'd you get the animal? Roadkill. Well, who hit the walrus? Dude, I could remember that. It's so good. He's one of those comics that all the comics reference.

When you go, oh, what's your favorite stayed bit ferry's got the same stuff like there are gavin webster there are comics that other comics will be like this is my favorite bit yeah yeah really legendary stuff it's funny though when you see comics who you like i love father girl i love watching john father girl other girls but the funniest thing i've ever seen him do and it was i forgot all about this but one of the aussie blokes who i've been working with in australia reminded me he was there in the store this night with susan murray actually and we're watching your favorite susan murray bit everyone no okay licking the piss off the back of my thigh is the first thing that came into my head.

She used to say that? Yeah. Well, this bloke, and you remember, the store used to be... Give me the yellow card. You had great comics in the store who'd be headlining everywhere else,

but the mystique of it was such that guys who were killers everywhere else would fucking would tank there just be overwhelmed by it you know and don sitting there knowing you're having your chat after and so you'd see guys every other time you'd see them kill him and they do the storm to just get too nervous and and this one bloke got up like i can't remember who he was but i giggled him around he'd so he a proper pro, but he got a bit overwhelmed. Dom was in, and it was a banging line-up that night.

It was pretty class. Fothergill was hosting. And the guy, man, he did the first two minutes, didn't go well, and then his confidence just seeped out of him, and it just started getting worse and worse and worse, and he got off to nothing. And Fothergill had, one of my favourite comics, but this is still my favourite moment of his,

he walked on stage and I learned a lot about emceeing because he walked on and he said, ladies and gentlemen, you've no idea how brave you have to be to stand on this stage when you're that shit. when you're that shit. And I was like, this is one of the nicest guys I've met on the circuit. And he came off and I was like, dude, like hilarious.

But man, that was absolutely brutal. He's got to get him back on side. That's it. He said to me, he said, listen, mate, he said, my fucking job out there is to facilitate this show. And if I have to do that to make this show better that's the end of it and i learned such a big lesson from that

has to go yeah i know i gotta get a show man it's mountaineering it's it's everest it's cut the line you know what i mean you're gonna drag yourself you're like i understand boys it hurt my feelings! Let the darkness go on! You are forgiven! It's so daunting with those people like Don. I'm trying to think of a word. The comedy store owner, if you don't know, is Don Ward.

I think he's chilled out a little bit now. He's like 160. There was about 40-odd years there on The Bounce where he was at nearly all the shows and a very knowledgeable, influential presence in the room and then gave people feedback in a little chat after a gig, which has now become fucking legendary and part of the deal. That's not anywhere else though, is it? Surely like someone of that pattern in other clubs don't do that. No don't take you to one side of the room there are there are big

influences in gig like the birmingham glee has got alistair who uh is very very camp it's like i mean that's an understatement i mean he is absolutely captain of the camp team and he's very fashionable and like it's like he's a big influence that he's been there from the start and he runs the whole gaff and his is different. He'll come in the dressing room. And if you, if you've had a bad one, he won't,

he won't joke with you. Like that's when, you know, you've had a real stinker when he's like, you know, you've done well when he comes in and goes, Oh God, that was been really good.

Like 10 years ago, that could have gone somewhere. Like there was some like, he's like, but when he comes in, he doesn't even say hello. He's like, that could have gone somewhere. And like, does some like bitchy little joke. But when there isn't like jokes, you're like, oh no, that's because he's, someone's actually fucking tanked it. But to sit down and go,

how did you think you did is a next level comedy store legendary move. And the infamous one when you'd say, so do you want paid spots here? And you'd say, yeah, yeah. And he'd say, so do you want paid spots here? And you'd say, yeah, yeah. And he'd point at the board and say, well, whose name should I take off? Yeah, but I'll just do next week.

Why don't you just book me in a gap? Go on, what was the Alistair one? Alistair told me this story about um when he was at one night working at the glee and at the end of the night they turn all the chairs upside down like you would in like secondary school and uh to clean all the floors um one night there was a light that was like flickering and he's like i should talk that out so he stood on the table undid the light and slipped off the table and one of the chair legs just caught in between the legs he was like oh and he was like oh i feel okay carries on doing his bits and bobs and then later on his jeans

were just sodden with blood and he was like oh fuck so he went into the toilets unzipped his pants and his balls fell into the water he fell into the water, so the chair leg had nicked his balls. Just on like, yeah, he fell into the water. He giggled because his balls were just falling into some water. There's like sinew between the balls, like a bungee cord. And then he had to wrap them up in toilet roll. Nobody move. Oh man.

Do you know that story would and that's why he speaks the way he does that story would be even funnier if it was Don Ward my my zip on my bag touched the urinal

earlier this morning like a backpack and then tied it to the bag and it fell down and touched the urinal I had to go straight out and get the disinfectant

wipe so if my naked balls fell in there I don't think I'd be giggling the inside of you but the actual balls yeah wow you feel funny don ward um well i was there to witness the most brutal version of of the feedback afterwards so i did okay but the the lineup was daft it was like terry alderton was practicing he's live at the apollo set so he

went on before me insane then michael mcintyre came in because he had a bad corporate the night before just wanted to do five minutes he went on before me did 25 minutes then i went on got heckled immediately where someone just went take the piss out of my mate no and then carried on don't give me some feedback he goes don't make your friend shout out i was like, no. And then carried on. Don't give me some feedback. He goes, don't make your friend shout out. I was like, it wasn't a friend. And then, do you know the comedian Will Mars? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Sorry, do you know the man Will Mars? Yep. Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Am I not meant to mention names here? No, no. Is that what we're doing? Am I being a cunt?

You're saying the story. No,unt? You're saying the story. No, yeah, you're saying the story. Well, his friend was on. Oh, I feel bad now. Does he listen to this? It doesn't matter if he does. It doesn't matter, does it? It doesn't matter.

You will know that you're my liar. He went on. I'll be tagging him. It just didn't go well. It just wasn't, because the night was so busy. It happens to everyone. Happens to everyone.

It wasn't anything that he was doing. His jokes are really nice. But then he started to slap. Fucking hell. Why is it whenever I come on this podcast, I just ruin something? I feel like showing off in front of my mates. My mum's like, stop.

Anyway, I'm going to feel awful about this on the drive home. So he slags off the club while he's on stage or slags off the audience or does something. I've bleeped his name. Yeah. Just go on. I've bleeped his name. Will Mars' name.

I've bleeped, yeah, I've bleeped his name. Yeah? Both bits, Will and Mars. I've left it in, no. No. Graham Galaxy was on right and he he it it just wasn't going well there's so much pressure while you're on there and he slagged off someone in the audience and did something and then don uh goes do you want to come for your feedback and he takes him to the front door and he goes

get out of my club oh my and he goes what he goes get out get out of the club don't slag off my club you're fucking right and he goes my bag's in there and he went i don't care and he had to get one of the bounces to go get his bag it was fucking brutal hey if someone sat on that couch and slagged off this podcast we caught all the break early and happily watch sensei carl boot him out fucking right fuck that's my next bit right into the lift oh god

oh lord Will Maas oh yeah talking about Will Maas biff yeah Maas Maas talking about knowing how you died

like I did the Montreal festival with O'Doherty Jason Byrne and Delamere. An all Irish. An all Irish band. Yeah, yeah.

And man, those three guys were killers. I was like the baby dude. And I used to speak a little bit of conversational French, right? But what they used to do in Montreal, they'd fly you in on the morning of the gig so they didn't have to pay for a hotel the preceding day and then you did a load of gigs but you did your most important one up first and i got up and i don't walk him into my head man i just believe my own bullshit and i walked up had an opener in

my head and as i walked from the stage to mike i went fuck that say something in french man it's a french audience quebec he say something french not realizing that that's crazy divisive shit there in quebec yeah yeah a lot of english speakers hate the french speakers and french speakers hate the english speakers and all this and uh also uh they speak 16th century french So it's like Afrikaans is to Dutch. So it's not the same language at all. So I walked out and said something and the English ones went, what's this arsehole doing speaking French?

And the French ones went, what the fuck was that? And that was it. I just died horrendously for 12 minutes. It's like shocking, man. Like really, really bad bad and then i walked off by the way i've never i've only ever seen you get your you'd gig in the same fucking laconic smooth i've never seen you do anything but rip i'd sort of pay so much money to watch johnny lynn slowly eat his own fucking balls.

At one point I saw Delamere and he was hosting at the back. And me and Delamere are mates, you know, but I saw him at the back and I saw him go... And I was like, oh jeez, I was supposed to do 15, I hit 12, I got off and then I'm sitting in the green room. I know Daugherty's a cool

dude, he's grand, but Dave keeps to himself, you know what I mean? He's not like a, uh like he'll say hello and shit he's not like a fucking nut job but he doesn't really hang that much and he'd never really ask you how you're doing or any of this at that time and i knew things were horrendous when jason was on and neil's obviously host since he's watching and dave comes in the back and he goes look mate don't let this break you you know what I mean don't give up after this I've seen so and he

just proper heart to heart and I went oh my god it's even fucking worse than I thought if this dude is talking to me and then I walk out of the thing and I got because the time zone it's morning and get a phone call from the agent I had meetings with cast and agents all this shit lined up all week and my agent goes what the fuck happened I said oh I died I died and he said well how bad he said everyone's pulled the meetings

everything's pulled all the lunches everything's gone and I went what like but that's acting it's a different thing he said whatever happened in there man he says no one wants to waste any time on you because they think you're going to get the script and go j'ai vu but man it shows you how as comics that like people sympathizing with you is the worst thing you can like like that people coming up going are you okay oh no no no no that that to me is you may as well get the fucking garrot and you know whereas mates coming up like i remember dying with stayed once and he comes up and he goes should i get your shoes and your shoe so it wasn't should i get your shoelaces and your belt bro that was horrible man yeah yeah yeah but that we're not so i'm in the bar

afterwards because i didn't want to like run off like a little school girl and everyone be all as john all right and create even more of a fucking horrible scene that was going on so i kind of thought go to the bar with all the comics man suck it up drink two beers and then slink off and shame to the room have a little cry upstairs on your own and i met patrice o'ill, who I'd never seen on stage, didn't know anything about him. He's just this massive man in this amazing velvet purple suit

and this big fedora. And I'm sitting there and I'm obviously like, you know, fucking hurt face, you know, proper. And he looks at me and he says, who are you? And I said, oh, I'm John.

And he says, you're Irish. I said, yeah. And he goes, by that hurt face, you must be the guy who died. Fuck it out. He knows. This man I've never met knows that it was so bad. And I was like, was it that bad? And he went, look at you with your little hurt face.

Well, you want to have a little cry? He just ripped the piss out of me, man, and started going, what are you going to go around and kind of like, can I get a hug? And he, man, he ripped at me and it made me feel so much better because he was like, man, I've died so many times. He said, I got ran out of here five years.

And he probably like gave me a, like it was like giving me a slap upside the head. He didn't. But like, he was like, fucking man up and, you know, get on with it. Just you talking about like knowing your death. That's cool.

What a fucking cool as fuck. I never saw him again. I wish you told me that literally a year ago. So I did Montreal last year. Oh, really? And as you were saying these things, I was literally like, oh, fuck. So I did New Faces, even though not.

And so they did the first international New Faces. So there's comics from all over the place. 10 acts doing six minutes each. We flew in, no hotel, a gig to a thousand people. I was on last. So by this point, they'd seen everything they wanted to see. And I thought, it's France. I know what I'll do.

I came on, I literally went, bonjour. And they went, what? I panicked. I went, bonne année, happy new year. And I was on after literally went bonjour and they went what I panicked I went bon année happy new year and I was on after Emmanuel Sanubi and I said

um mad back uh mad booking two big black guys together died died

died for six minutes just died and there's no Patrice O'Neill anymore to make you feel better and then there was a party afterwards and those like very American people barged Six minutes, just died. And there's no Patrice O'Neill anymore to make you feel better. And then there was a party afterwards and there was like very American,

people barging each other. People like, I knew I'd done bad because there was a comic who I know and he was like chatting to someone. They would must've been on Netflix, whatever. And I went, I was literally going past. I went, hey man, he went, not now. And I was like, fuck.

So I just sort of stood on my own not drinking and then they had this like tuck shop of like popcorn candy and then they had these ice lollies i thought i'm gonna have this ice lolly and i'm gonna fuck off and i had this ice lolly and i was like this is disgusting it's too sweet and there was like an empty or like half empty thing of popcorn. And I just put it in there as a man went to grab it. And it turns out it was Ted Sanderos from Netflix. He was like, oh, and I was actually like,

just put it in the thing. And he went, what are you doing? And that's why he's here today. Bonjour. You boys know how to network. I went to the hotel and I fucking cried. I absolutely cried my eye i was like

oh fuck this it's the loneliest spot man but even patrice was like going he's like i've killed here i've died here nothing happens and he was like just fucking snap out of it man did you and it was i did i ended up going on a mad session with jason and delamere delamere doesn't even drink that much you you know, but he did that night. I was like, you're fucking drinking tonight, man. I need you. As a brother.

I need. I need fucking. Right, let's have a break. And we'll see you in a sec. Section four of four. Congratulations, everyone. The mathematician's not here. Brennan, you are going to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

2024. Yeah, not written a show yet. Don't say that because we're selling the tickets. I've written the show. Oh, it's great. It's great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the best I've ever seen.

What's your favourite bit? Oh, the racist bit. Yeah, the racist bit. What's the show called? It's called Me, Me, Me. I thought you said chokehold. What's my favourite choke? It's called Me, Me, Me. I thought you said Chokehold. What's my favourite choke? Being naked.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm going to Edinburgh for the full month, just getting a show ready for tour. What time? Where? 3.45 and it's free. Oh. It's free.

It's free to get in, but it's not free to get out. Buckets. Buckets, yeah. Lovely. Anything else to say, Bucket? Tickets for that, Brendan? You can't. You just turn up. it's free to get in but it's not free to get out hey buckets buckets yeah lovely and where do you get tickets for that Brendan you can't you just turn up

you can't even pre-order a seat no you just turn up cool oh so get in early doors get in early doors like 11ish or 3.44

shouldn't have said bonjour that night should you kid no because I'll be doing I'll be doing not the fridge I've done about 10 of these

Dan Nightingale and Fiend shows there's about 20 left we've just sold out the Glee in Glasgow which is amazing these are selling out now Liverpool

they're all sold out so Southport there's tickets available Sheffield and Dublin I think we might film it in Dublin

at the Laughter Lounge. It's become one of my favorite places. And I think it was one of the very best tour shows last year. So I think it's October 20th. But dannightingale.com. There's about 20 of these fiend shows left. Come and have a little watch. It's been so mental and manic and fun.

I did a few in there. Yeah, they're great. They've been great fun. Really good atmosphere. Dublin is now like my favourite place. So on my birthday, no one was available. So me and Ishan Akbar just flew over from different airports. I got to go to the Gravediggers to have a pint near the cemetery.

My granddad's buried just behind there. Oh, jeez. He is. I had three pints for him. Three pints for me. grave diggers to have a pint near the cemetery my granddad's buried just behind there oh james he is um i had three pints for him three points for all grandpapa lynn that's why i love you dude you just i know respects to our ancestors at all times um that's what he would have wanted an english guy in the grave diggers he loved it dublin's fucking amazing i love it i love the city center i love the boozing culture because it's so aimed at fucking middle-aged men who like guinness you don't live there anymore but you still you gotta still love it i love dublin man i loved and i do miss it and i do

think about moving home a lot for that reason. Like Australia is great man, but the cracker or a given example of was coming over here, I told my missus bought me these, these are RM Williams boots, right for those listeners are like kind of Chelsea cowboy boots, right? She bought me a pair of these. And in Australia, you don't have to take boots and above the you don't take that shit off anymore and I'm coming through Dublin Airport, the security, and I said

to the guy in security, I said listen mate my laptop's out, my belt's off, my liquids are out, are my boots okay? Man are these okay? Are my boots alright? And he looked at me and he went, well I wouldn't wear them to be honest with you son look a bit ridiculous to

me, you know what i mean is it a horse or a plane you're getting on and he really went for it like he really like he kind of pummeled it and i was like man i miss that shit you know i really do i do i love dublin airport it's just got live like there's live music everywhere in dublin and at the airport they're like you'll you'll want more dublin airport's the one me and Adam and Thomas Green are just thinking of though, innit? That's where the security... It's a huge airport, innit?

I think you had a bad run there because I've been quite a few times since it's been sound. The time we went, Thomas Green got randomly stopped three times just walking through the airport. Thank God he's dodgy, man. This is two police cars. Shows the systems are working, boys. We walked past just by the restaurant.

He went, can we just grab you a minute, mate? And we're like chatting to him. And it happened two more times. He was like, maybe because I got an Aussie passport. I don't know. But you got to stop three times. Just a random airport stop and search. Three randoms. Yeah, but he's got bleach stop just a random airport stop and switch three randoms

yeah but he's got bleach blonde hair and he's like erratic and full of energy was it just like a fashion check what the fuck are you doing what the fuck is this

it was weird and then it's a big airport with small security though is that what the billet has big airport no I mean like

the physical security area is not big enough for the size of the airport do you remember when we outside the Guinness factory we got the horse and cart

and I was like this is Dublin they respect you if you fucking barter a little bit we basically had 50 euros and the guy was like

I'm after 60 euros for yourselves I went will you take 50 and he went come on boys haggling I felt so bad have you not taken enough I thought he was going to go for yourselves. I went, will you take 50? And he went, come on boys, haggling.

I felt so bad. Have you not taken enough? I thought he was going to go, I couldn't go lower than 53. And he went, okay, 60. No. We had to stop

on a cash point in a horse and car. He's still getting chatted along. There's a fucking cash point for you there, boys. Pulled round.

Weird as shit shit But that's Like even Dublin is different with the slag And like that's what I was saying to you earlier about I got an eye infection I got all pus and yellow shit in this eye So I had to wear a sunglass And they were so sensitive to light So for pain and to cover it up

I'm wearing sunglasses the whole time And I'm wearing them in London No one gives a shit I'm wearing them at night time on stage no one mentions it and I got the night bus back to Bethlehem Green

where I was living and I got on the bus and the bus driver looks at me and he goes sand glasses half past three in the morning

thumbs up I got to Dublin I got the air coach from the air you know that blue bus into the city centre. I get off on O'Connell Street and I'm walking up the road and a bloke bumps shoulders on me. He goes, who do you think you are?

Bono, you cunt. Is it because they know you're Irish and therefore you're at a different? I think it's just, man, because even when he kind of bumped me, it wasn't an aggressive thing. It was more like ripping the piss out. It wasn't like a shoulder charge. He just kind of bumped me for the crack and then kind of gave the joke, you know? That's what you want, don't you? It's great.

It is. And, man, I'm way more comfortable. If I'm in a social thing and guys are slagging me off, I remember even Sean Walsh, when I first met Sean, myself, Sean, and Dan did this fucking Stars of the Future thing. Daniel Sloss worked out well for the two boys. But, man, we got in the car, and Dan at the time was only 17,

so he was quite serious, you know, and I kind of didn't know how to talk to him because I was a bit older. Sean got in the car, and I started talking, and he he was sitting up the front and I'm sitting in the back. And he turns to the driver because it's one of those Gilda Balloon round Scotland tours. And he turns to drive and he goes, does he always talk like this? Like his first bit to me was slagging the fuck out of my voice through someone else. And I cracked up up gone we're

gonna get on just fine you know whereas if someone serious turning around talking to me about real i get a bit whereas if they're ripping the piss out of me like well if they're ripping the piss out of me they're obviously comfortable with me so this is good you know what i mean this is i think that's a man thing though that's definitely a man thing yeah i don't think women can sit around take the piss out of each other eventually but it's no but i don't think women can sit around and take the piss out of each other eventually but I don't think in the

same way nah in the same way we would because they're nicer if you come in with a pair

of shoes you don't like you're getting it all day I get it for the last four fucking years

yeah yeah yeah what the fuck are these webs it could be a pair of shoes

that someone in here has owned like within the last three years yeah fuck I know. It's not 2021. Should we do some Room 102s? Very separate from Room 101.

Anything you want rid of, stick it in Room 102. Johnny, have you got anything for us? Anything I want rid of. What does that mean? I thought Room 102 is like your nightmare like you're no yeah but it could be anything so like period dramas that's going in for me that's what you want to get rid of period yeah Ian Stone Ian Stone put in Eurovision flat out

the whole thing just disappeared he's a very and he won the vote. Yeah. Could be anything. Anything. No, well, I've always, I don't know. I thought it was like hell. And I was thinking about this and the flight over. And I think my version of hell, I like to read. I read a lot. I'm not saying that like makes me smart. I read shit, but I just like to read a lot. And my idea of hell would be arriving in to a room

and it's just a library of tomes about every mistake i've ever made in my life and then all the librarians would be women who would have slept with me if only i'd have asked them you've shown us the inside of room 102 that's the inside That's room 102 for me. Just, you know, tomes and ladies. Missed opportunities. Missed opportunities. That'd be packed full of women. Yeah. And not even good, like some would be amazing,

but there'd also be some absolute. Yeah, there'd be a lot of women in there. Boggling. I'll do it. I'll shag it. I'll put in room 102 all the times I leaned in for a kiss and got the, oh no, no, no, no. Oh.

Oh. That moment where you're like i'm pretty sure what's the worst rejection you've ever got um well i got dumped and i didn't know i'd been dumped that's a pretty big one i i had a mate have to like in the debrief so i genuinely i turned up at the girl's house and she was like, listen, I want to talk. My head and my heart are in different places and I just think we should be friends. And I went, do you know what? Great idea. I agree.

You know what? Brilliant. And it's nice that we've ended it like that. I was like, that's a mutual breakup. I told my mate Bondi and he was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Rewind the story. You could tell he wasn't really paying attention probably

and then went whoa whoa whoa so hang on you walked in and said i you're right we're going out and she went i need to talk to you i think we should end it and i went yeah but i agreed he went no no you've been fucking dumped that's how arrogant i was when i was younger. I was like, I don't think anyone could dump me. I don't think that was a dump in. No, the lean in. Yeah, I've had a few leans in. Oh, we've all had. I had it once when I tried to finger someone and they did that.

Oh, wow. No, I didn't know. What? That's very different. We've got some Room 102s from the listeners. If you want to send them in, have a word pod at gmail.com brad jones says not sure if you're taking listeners room 102 suggestions we are brad you started the

whole thing the side smile emoji i want to put that in room 102 the only people to ever pull that face in real life are pedophiles as they're about to groom someone and the only people to use that emoji are the same get it gone oh so what yeah like that hey fucking you know what i'm thinking yeah getting a shower without me i admit i bedtime is it i don't know me i don't know what all the emojis mean i just sort of guess without me doing the school run are you without me what's the sunglasses one i just throw it out there yeah i feel like it's just cool i love that you can go on someone's phone and you can see what like the top ones yeah and i bet you any money the isn't have you got it in oh yeah you have been using it let me can i just have a look at

your emojis we've got the got the diagonally tilted crying laughing. Hot water eyes. It's got to be the most used emoji, yeah? Then we've got green, you feel nauseous. Yep, that's literally my most used one. Then you've got old school microphone. Oh, that was a mistake. I sent that, I don't know how that happened.

Right, then you've got the shocked. Again, pretty standard stuff. Then a rocket. What did you use the rocket for, mate? Not sure, actually. You've got jizz next to a nana's face. I'm not even joking. What's the laughing with the sweat on the top like?

Oh, it's embarrassing. Yeah, you're like, oh, big car. Oh, God, no. Oh, my God. This is not my hard drive. This is aging me. Brad Jones, you know what? You can have it because no one really gives a fuck.

So I think you might be right. I've got the Finland flag in mind can anyone tell me why the Finland flag so it's white background blue cross slightly off it's the Finland flag yeah so you'd say

if a footballer's shit it's the Finland flag because you know he's Finnish oh he's not Finnish he's not Finnish he's not Finnish so you say

he's not fucking hell Salah's Finland isn't he it means he's Fennish. I'm actually just remembering without me. Scoring goals without me. Do you want me to do another?

We've got another. Billy says, room 102, squeaky chairs. When your chair squeaks and people think you've farted, so you have to keep doing it to prove it's the chair. Is he in school?

No, no, this is a thing. What? Where? Harry, did you hear me fart in the takeaway yesterday? Yeah. All right, cool. Why are you farting in the takeaway? Well, there's a hierarchy of power.

In his dinner. Oh, mate, you were such a gent about that. Dan, in the shop or in the food? I'm just getting started. You just lift a little bit of a silver foil thing. Garlic mayo, chili sauce, your boss's fart. Did you fart in my takeaway? I didn't getting you just lift a little bit of a silver foil thing garlic mayo chilli sauce your boss is fart

did you fart in my takeaway I didn't hear you it's a bit of a power move Dan yeah there's a hierarchy I just had to eat I'll put this on the business card

it comes at an expense no I I just this has happened a few times recently it's not you know when you're in control of your guffs

I've lost a little bit of that control there's just been an occasional like really nothing with a laugh nothing biblical hang on you're not you're not meaning to fart but you're farting yeah just to you can get like i like uh periods of that though you're a child though yeah but if i've eaten like rough for a couple days you should have control of everything yeah i said room 102 is getting old and you can't finish your piss that's one for me have you ever heard an old man have a piss it is loud do you know when they're going oh yeah because they're trying to finish it all in one day my favorite peter k bit i know it's one of the simplest bit

yeah you know when they're over you and then he said i've never that felt amazing i love that how long did i without me once a week for 20 minutes uh dave says room one or two people who only wash their own dishes when you've made them a meal the kids are fucking murdered for it we'll wash one plate plate, one fork, one knife, then fuck off. You don't make your kids wash dishes. Go on. You're not washing dishes. That's a washer dishes.

No, she's seven, mate. That's a bit harsh. But it's coming. They've got to do some stuff. Haven't you got a dishwasher? Yeah, he's four. Yeah, that's Jack. I know.

If you're washing dishes, wash them all. Yeah, you don't go, well, that's mine and that's mine. So essentially what you're saying is the kids are actually doing a good service because at least they're doing their own. Yeah. It's that equivalent to going for a meal with somebody and going, I'll pay.

I pay for that. I bought that. What's wrong with that? You split it. Unless like I've got something insane. Unless I've got like 10 drinks and I've had one. Am I wrong there? Yeah, but if I've made you a meal and I've got like 10 drinks and I've had one. Am I wrong there? Yeah, but if I've made you a meal

and I use one plate and you use 16, I'll wash your... Whenever you're splitting a bill and everyone gets a calculator out, you look like a fucking dickhead. There's five years and it's under quid. Well, I don't have a starter. No one gives a shit.

That'll come with age, honey. Yeah. My kids are going to do some chores though. At some point, they're not just getting hotel level service till they're 18. What chores do you trust? Well,

I used to mow the lawn. You trust when I was a kid. No, when I was a kid, when I was 12, 13, that was my chore. Fair.

Like, I think just to have some responsibility, like a, that's she doesn't have to fucking do the mortgage payments i get it what are you gonna get not grouting tiles we pay them like pocket money for it she's already got a little bank card from nat west she's the seven-year-old yeah two grand overdraft it seems my niece gets money for like christ Christmas and birthdays and then she'll go out

and go I want that to her dad my brother and they go oh you've got money there and she'll go no I don't want to use that

will you buy me she's basically just saving a big nest they go she's got an ISA get to college as a bitcoin millionaire yeah

I like it I think that card thing for a kid is cool but it's going to have a tenner in it, 20 quid. Yeah. Like, fine. It's going to just be a little bit of...

Yeah, it's like, I get to beat my dad. How much are kids getting into spends now? Because I used to maybe get three quid a week. I used to get a tenner in a week off me, Nan. Tenner. Every Sunday, Nan would give me a tenner. 520 quid a year. And I mean up until like 25 years of age.

And I think I've told this before it got to an age when I was like I was working I've been working for years and she came round she gave me a tenner and I went I don't need that anymore

you know like keep it and whatever and she was like oh my god you've grown up and like she was made up out of a jackal and then she went can you lend us a tenner

and she pulled out a lodgement and said will you owe me 2,700, 600? This was just a loan, son. But I wonder how much kids get, like my nephew messages me all the time and just be like, oh I need a drink

can you send us 20 quid? I mean, what the fucking drink are you having? Wow. So, I don't know, what would you give, when that is getting spends? Tenner a week? We're not in a So I don't know. What would you give? Gwyneth is getting spends. 10 or a week. We're not at an amount, but I think it should be about when you've helped out.

I think there should be a reward thing to it. There's not just going to be a fucking standing order going into her account. No way. It's going to be like, hey, listen, your mum needs you to tidy your room. That's a quid or something. I love how you put it on the mum. No, I don't know. I'll going to be like, hey, listen, your mum needs you to tidy your room. That's a quid or something.

I love how you put it on the mum. No, I don't know. I'll pay you. Stuff like that. You know, fuck, I know. She said one quid, but I'll give you two. It's fucking setting up a like,

yeah, yeah, of course. No, like a dad and go in the cinema or whatever. It's like 50 quid. No, isn't it? It used to be like a five when we went. You'd be like, right, we'll make sure everything's done.

I'll give you 20 quid. I think it's kind of that. Yeah, that's sound. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And'll make sure everything's done and I'll give you 20 quid. I think it's kind of that. Yeah, that's sound. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then to teach her about debt,

I'll lend her money with an interest rate. Compound interest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then we'll do debt collection.

Like a loan shark. Knock the fucking door down. You'll be walking into the bedroom going to sort of Vig on this. Two points above the Vig. That fucking

My Little Pony's mine. My sister was gay. Wow, i went into my head for a child's toy even though i have children and i pulled out my little pony classic in that accent chicago town pizza accent oh what is this a pony that breaks some fucking fingers over here stephen critchley says supermarkets and shops that have barriers on the tills that are closed so you've either got to walk all the way round or awkwardly squeeze

past a queue of people in the trolleys at the checkout. Yeah, they shame you for not buying anything. There's no way out unless you're bought.

But there is a way out. Home and bargain is the worst. It's like, because everything's eight pence. They're like, you cannot want to leave here without something.

And you, like, it is awkward. Also, who's stealing there? They've got a cardboard cut out of a police officer i'm not risking it mate inside i own bargains the worst for that you can't you have to go can i just get through there i go over like undertaker and cane leg over that fireworks i also feel like everyone thinks i've stole when you walk into a shop walk out of that buying something like everyone thinks i've stole when you walk into a shop walk out without buying something like everyone thinks i've just got fucking skittles in your pocket yeah because that's what they're worried about isn't it skills you gotta watch for that uh last

one luke says lids room 102 for you those people who when you're on a train sat next to someone and when the train gets emptier they don't move seats to give you both more space. Right, I see what you mean. So you're sat there waiting for the train to leave. Some egg comes and sits in their book seat that's near you. The rest of the carriage is empty. Then it is on them because they were second there. Yeah.

Is that right? Do you enjoy telling people at your seat? No. No. No, I can't handle that. I love it you've angered out with Adam too long

I'll be like oh he is a pro at it you triple check because the last thing you want is them to go no it isn't you go

sorry that's my seat this is the 1145 I love doing that mate I once this is I was probably about 20 and I went to go and see the musical

Starlight Express which is about trains and I went to go and see the musical Starlight Express, which is about trains and got there. People in the seat. I went, you're in the seat. They went, we're not,

we've got C45. I went, C45 there. I'm in the seat. Got the usher. Turns out, I bought an evening ticket for a matinee.

So I was there. We both had the same seat, but I was there for three hours early. Oh, that guy would We both had the same seat, but I was there for three hours early. Oh, that guy would have paid extra money just to be able to sit there going. Eww, tit. Basking and robbing.

I showed up for a flight once three days late because I got it in my head. This was the time and date and I planned everything around. I never looked at the thing but the it worked the barcode worked so I got to the gate you know let me through the things and I got to the gate and the guy was like no you can't go through and I said the tickets you know I got all and then he couldn't work it out and then he looked at the date and he went mate this flight

was three days ago and I'd been all indignant, you don't know what you're doing here. And then I was like, oh, very sorry about that. That just spoke out of there. Really? Cost me a pretty... Here's a question. Yeah, yeah. Can you actually buy flights at an airport?

Yes. Yep. I know you can. Like right now, I just go, I'm going to fly somewhere. This is the opposite of my actual life. What if I just went, do you know what? I'm going to get the taxi to fucking Liverpool John Lennon. You go up to the desk and go.

What desk? The check-in desk. The actual check-in desk. They will sell you a ticket there, yeah. What? My brother's best mate was seeing this girl. Man, she was class until a few drinks and she'd gone nuts, embarrassed him, at a lot of

family things it all came to a head throughout one of his best mates wedding and she's tanking the wedding she's hiding under a table guys are trying to pull her out under a table the bride sitting up at the top table crying her eyes out his mates are literally pulling her one leg each she's screamed she's gonna kill herself and madness all this sort of shit and his mates my brother been one of them said listen mate this is going on three or four years you have to end it with this girl like this is she's just fucking ruined your mate's wedding this is over and he said i've tried to get out so many times and i can't and the boys dropped him to the airport and he bought a ticket to Australia

Got on the flight And we went around to his flat To get all his shit out What? And he just did it? So he's an accountant And in Australia at that time There was a visa thing

Any accountant could get a visa Because they were desperate and needed him And he'd been offered this But he was like I'm not going to fucking Australia And the lads went well you can't go back and he said if I go back to that apartment and she starts crying

and I start crying it's another two years another two years so he went I just gotta go and literally me and the brother went around to the apartment and she was like where is he and we were like Australia she was like are you kidding me like he'll be back and we're like I don't fucking think so we were like, Australia. She was like, are you kidding me?

Like, he'll be back. And we're like, I don't fucking think so. Which part of Australia? We're not fucking telling you. Well, the best thing he said to me when I got out to Australia, he said, do you regret that decision, man? It's been going on for years. Now she did, she did,

she was lovely when she wasn't drinking or, but she did some crazy shit, like really embarrassing shit. And I said, do you regret it? And he said, mate, I feel like I beat cancer. Now that's a resounding, I made the right call, isn't it? And is he still there now?

He's still there, yeah. That's how scary she was. I feel like I beat cancer when I broke up with you. He's not emigrated, he's in remission. I dream of a day, it's not now, it's not in 10 years. I dream of a day, that famous speech when he wasn't concentrating, of just going to an airport and just going, all right, babe.

What's next? Where's available? The next flight and just being able to i didn't even know that was still a fucking thing the next flight you buy 15 minutes oh yeah no is it not like last minute.com no i booked my fight on sunday flight five hours before it was taken off and paid a premium right yeah but but you had to go to Mallorca, didn't you? So in my head, if you just go going, where's available? There might be like a cheap last minute option.

Because it's empty. Yeah. Yeah, possibly, yeah. But you might end up like Belarus. Well, you can get flights even because I paid for a flight on Sunday morning. I think it was 80 quid. But then I didn't realize Hot Water are doing the Saturdays early show so

then I was like oh fuck me man I'm gonna be done by half four so I just booked the flight Saturday night today 25 quid

I was looking at it before it was like 150 but obviously if it's quiet they then go we gotta yeah they get you anything yeah

but this was last day of half term five hours before yeah yeah they were like we've got you by the bollocks meek I didn't even know

you could just rock up at the airport here's my passport where we're going how much do you think it cost for me me and Seneca to get from Parma

to Liverpool well I flew from Parma to Liverpool last year when my sister lives out there one flight not return and I booked during the half term and I booked during the

half term but I booked a month late so I got there wasn't working and then I paid 400 quid and then when I got

to the desk they went oh you're just a standby couldn't even get on the flight that happened and then they refund you they refund me but you're still fucked

you're fucked and then you went to Belarus went to Belarus for three quid yeah nice he was saying for three quid you would go saying, for three quid. You would go.

You'd go. Yeah. Would you do this? They said, the flight is oversold and they're not legally allowed to leave families with kids. They have to be on the plane.

She said, we need to get three people off the plane. Two people said, it's 500 euros. You've got to wait eight hours. That's the next flight. And only two people said, yeah.

And they were like, we're going to have to, the people who get kicked off is the last person to check in. So they found the last person to check in and went like, you're off this flight. And they got 500 euros.

Yeah. Well, they did that when I was waiting. If you're skin, and it's, I know it's a rough, yeah. Oh,

you know what you're saying, because I've done this. I took it with Etienne. I took the 600 and they were desperate. And I said, look, I'll take the 600, but I what you say then? Because I've done this. I took it with Etienne. I took the 600 and they were desperate. And I said, look, I'll take the 600, but I want you to put me in the lounge. I'm not waiting out here eight hours. And they did put me in there.

Man, I was annoyed when I come up, your flight's about to depart. I'm sitting there eating my foie gras, drinking my champagne. Just give me some fucking time, yeah? I'll take another 600 euros. Just keep knocking it back. John lives tomorrow morning looking.

John lives in Dubai now. Let's do some advice. This music that you can't hear, by the way. I'm not just saying. I was wondering for a second, I was feeling my heart going. Am I having a stroke?

There's a jingle of agony at a time. I was like... We're so good at fixing people's lives. Anonymous, how's it going, lids? Please keep this anonymous. This is from Jake Garrett. Please have a word with me, my girlfriend, or our flatmate, all early 20s.

My girlfriend and I have recently moved into a new flat with a lady! A few weeks ago, a few weeks in, sorry, she got more comfortable and started walking around in bras and with her ass out. Now... Without me? Now, with it being her flat, you could argue she's just relaxing how she wants.

She then, however, started acting a bit strange with me, asking me questions about her looks and figure basically being a pick me. Oh, pick me girls, girls, the spies. I thought you meant like a tiny tribe. Pick me. I think I might have put the wrong emphasis on that basically being a pygmy rather than a pygmy

what's a pygmy a pygmy girl is like the girl in the group who's like oh I love the NFL oh my god yeah look at my tits she sounds great

yeah yeah but it's pygmy Sandra no well it's not their real personality it's I will match what you like

until you like me and then just show you what I'm really like oh it's like their real personality it's i will match what you like until you like me and then just show you what i'm really like oh it's like a lady love bomb uh kind of yeah yeah okay only with me though i don't think she's into me but just likes male attention obviously this makes a bit uncomfortable and has caused some tension in our relationship as i now have to be careful how i interact with her who is in the wrong here um she sounds like a fucking nightmare i go to belarus mate i get a three pound flight as his girlfriend noticed yes uh tension in the relationship yeah oh then i think she needs to say something or she needs to up a game and start stripping off as well. She's gone naked.

Yeah, go want it out. One up at her. Just shag in front of her. Yeah. Which NFL team do you like? Leia. Raven.

Yeah. Just want to point out that all I can hear over here is this dog snoring. I literally could hear snoring and I went, oh my God, this isn't good. The review is in. John, this is podcast part kennel at the moment. I've lived with someone who owns the gaff

that we were living in. And it's a really weird dynamic where you feel like you have some vote because you're a tenant, but they have five votes because it's their house or flat. So it's her place. So...

Or Tits McGee's place. It's Tits McGee. I can walk around down for the ones. It's my guy. Yeah. If she wants to have a biff out breakfast. About me. I mean,

I'm assuming when he says her arse is out, she does have like underpants on. Yeah, I think she's... She's not bra and vagina out, is she? She's walking around this is my gaff and i look great and you know the issues with you stop looking then she sounds like a fucking trouble cause i think you might have to get sucked off no sorry what um you might have to leave yeah what they're gonna leave the not leave the

relationship leave the house no she's like this this crazy lady wants to bang me i'm so sorry i think his girlfriend needs to go it's a bit weird that you walk around a bit on show you know a bit of respect

for me fella and if she goes fuck off then leave what if he started matching her yes he just started

walking out yes what would be the you know french boxes nothing only just a Louis Vuitton

Willy warmer oh yeah and he's just like I'd really like a house meeting about the French boxes. Nothing only, just a Louis Vuitton Willy warmer. Oh yeah. And he's just like. I really like a house meeting about the Louis Vuitton Willy warmer. Yeah. It's making me feel uncomfortable.

How do you think I can tighten these abs? Yeah. Just do like pull-ups on the kitchen door. Yeah. Oh, sorry.

I'm a bit oiled up. Yeah. Sunflower oil. Like they fly like one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Low cow yeah locale still watching my weight as it goes down the cum gutters

cum gutters you know them ones the ushers the v's yeah yeah the cum gutters cum gutters that's what they are where's the cum

on your chest guilty anonymous lady we've got another one me and my boyfriend have been together about four and a half years i've previously had boyfriends and whilst i'd always enjoyed sex my current one is definitely more generous in the floor foreplay department so much so that the majority of the

time it results in him going down on me and me squirting and it's not something i'd done previously he doesn't do anything to make me feel like this, but it makes me feel quite self-conscious and sometimes even embarrassed to the point I'll try and put off sexy times to avoid the end result of me squirting. Any advice on how to deal with this and what's your genuine male opinion on when a girl squirts?

Carl? It's just piss. Stop drinking water or fluid you should walk around like a fucking husk it sounds like one of them

lads writing in line army fella makes me square too much what shall I do fucking love it own it when I had a

16th birthday party my mum put sticky plastic on the floor so I'd do that you are you are

make a wish sticky plastic on the floor sticky plastic for what on the carpet so I'd just do that want to make a wish on the floor sticky plastic for what on the carpet so i just do that why though why is it on the floor so there was no stains on the floor it's like the people who put like um like a clear shell suit on a sofa to keep it safe yeah my nana did that because she's squirting all the time yeah she's absolute norris mcguirter hang on what do you mean put sticky things down?

She feels self-conscious about squirts. She's embarrassed by her own squirts. You're like, you need plastic on the floor. Your birthday was like Dex the season two. Well, she's not going to be self-conscious if there's not like squirt stains everywhere. No, I think she's self-conscious about doing it. Not like the mess it leaves.

Yeah. I think doing it in someone's face, like do you ever get told with like a super soaker don't aim it in someone's face what was her name putting your fanny towards the window oh fat jenny going for good oh that's good it's good you're gonna want to get away from the window boy it's gonna be like the blitz just say to him listen i don't want to square it as much as i do which is a wild sentence and say just you know lay off keep it north keep your eyes and fingers up here man yeah i found out this recently do you know in america

that fingering's not really a thing yeah it's not second base though i don't know i thought fingering was second base do you reckon there's ever a baseball coach who goes around and he goes okay you get to finger then you get to lick him out and all the way to a full bum in your boobs have you ever made a woman squirt John tears only tears

it's just piss can I just say Harry in the replacement spot for Finn, by the way, Finn's away as well, just going, I'm going to do some producing here. This will be very professional. Got a journalism degree.

Have you ever made anyone squint there, John? I think it's a safe question to ask. We'll do a have word and we'll get out of here. An anonymous lady says, Lids, I need some anonymous advice. Oh, what? This is just more advice. We can need some anonymous advice. Oh, what? This is just more advice. Well, we can't give anonymous advice.

This isn't a Harvard word. This is advice. You've categorized yourself wrong. Have a word with my boyfriend. Oh, you're all over the road here, love. But this has mashed my head. I've been with him for over a year and we get on amazingly

as we're both very sexually charged. One morning, he stayed at mine and we were getting a bit frisky, but I had to jump in the shower, so I told him to sort himself out. When I came back in, I saw him sniffing the teddy I'd had since I was three, whilst pulling his pud.

What? I was absolutely mortified, but he tried to defend it by saying it smelt of me. I feel like my childhood has been violated. Have a word with him, please, lads. Tell me how to get over this. So not just, you know, not just cracking one out when she's in the shower.

All right, I'll give you five grand for that, Teddy. Have you ever wanked over a teddy? It's my final offer. You haven't made a teddy squirt. I used to have this, everyone had a teddy when they were a kid. I used to have this one called Sad Sam. And it was like...

Is that the one where you point out where you've been touched? Is that your mum or dad? Like, happy birthday. Here's a sad Sam. Here's a sad Sam. That was the brand. It was like a...

It was so sanny, but it's with being touched. Bring out Sad Sam. It was a dog with big sad eyes. And when I got to about 11, what I'd done, because the head was probably about the same size as its body, is I would sort

of dig the middle bit out so ripped its neck and invented the fleshlight i think you fucked its neck fucked its neck you didn't even fuck it's like so sad sam became sexual assault victim sam sexual assault as you banged its neck yeah and he's looking up at me like brennan you're such a dirty, dirty boy. I was. Oh, you changed now, yeah? Yeah, I'm a change man. He runs a radiator now. It's like a trichotomy that's like the hole in the neck.

It's that time of the night. It's that head. Oh, God. He sounds like a wrong-in, really. No, he doesn't. He sounds like a bit of a wrong-in. It's also a way to wank yourself off while you're in the shower. I don't get that.

What we're doing is adults, if we're like, yeah, we're going to have a bit of a sexy time's also weird wank yourself off while you're in the shower i don't get that what we're doing is adults if we're like yeah we're gonna have a bit of a sexy time quite sexually charged but i've still got my childhood toy on the bed yeah maybe that's the issue that was amazing victim blaming yeah it's your fault you're on holiday am i getting i mean miss remembering that yes all right okay so you'll be taking your chelian holiday yeah you're weird that's brilliant i made that. You don't leave this sexy teddy bear around and expect nothing to happen. This was entrapment. You knew when you went to that shower, you knew I'd be sniffing teddy as soon as you got into the bathroom. You set me up. I don't think a smell has ever made me horny no i've never thought cookies all right like do

you know no i wouldn't do it for me the smell of freshly cooked grass sets me off i'm not gonna lie i've got hay fever it's got accomplishment it's got a sense of home emotional connections do you know what that smell is a wet dog coming out of the sea that's also another one the smell of fresh anyway i've said too much i'm sorry boys is um shit no it's it's grass screaming when it gets caught that's why he likes it each blade of grass is going scream for me you dirty law that scent nice i'm not lying oh my god the scent that he gives off is them screaming so you you enjoy that, you mass murderer. Oh my God.

I've realized so much more about myself today. I thought I was a good man walking in here. Now I know I'm a sick, twisted, grass-killing lunatic. I'm sorry, boy. That sofa does that to people, as Brennan well knows. Boys, it's been an absolute pleasure. Thank you to Brennan for standing in as guest co-host. Thank you for John Lynn for coming all the way over early.

And then you have hot water even this weekend. Hot water this weekend. The big room. The new room. I haven't been since it is the new room. No, I've not been yet. It's super nerve. It's good for me.

Is it? Yeah, yeah. I'm excited to see it, yeah. Follow John online. Watch your handles man it's this is not john lynn on instagram because i did have this is john lynn and some wanker stole it and tried to make me pay him 200 quid and i said fuck you man i'm adding a knot and i'm beating you and i've no fucking followers so maybe he won in the long term and i'm trying to follow have we got a song to close us out harry have you stepped in in the fin roll with a song no could you sing something for us then too no let's go with random let's go with

Get Back by Pop Smoke cool go and listen to that he's dead so you won't even notice but good song there you go Pop Smoke

at the end unexpectedly thanks John appreciate you thanks for having me guys bye