Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #281 with Diona Doherty - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: June 16, 2024

Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan Nightingale & Fiends Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.ukComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Support our cycle across India for Zoe's Place:https://cycle4zoes.enthuse.com/pf/finnlay-kulavuzGet subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsCheck out Finn's music: https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Tickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Three quid access to more stuff than you can shake a stick at. Wag wag leads, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game from the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only Have A Word. Brought to you by Manscaped, the very best products on the market

for below the waist grooming. Go Ed, get on me. Guess who's back? The very best products on the market for below the waist grooming. Go, Ed. Get on me. Guess who's back? Finn. Finn's back. And he's been fighting. Yeah, I'm a fighting man.

What have you done to your nose? Huh? What have you done to your nose? And the side of his face. Oh, he's a corker. We were laughing at him in the group today, remember? Oh, is that what that's from? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I fainted twice and hit my face on some concrete. Was that a third round? No good. Yeah, yeah. He was that pissed off. And I was like, stop fighting. Yeah. Why are you fighting?

What's going on? Vegan. What the doctor said and my dad translated was dangerously low blood pressure. So that's fun. They just gave me some salty yogurt drink, which was questionable. Sounds like cum.

Drink salty yogurt drink. You got there, Josh. So I ran, which is a yogurt drink that they drink, and they just went, yeah, we've added loads of salt to this. Get this down you. Add me on a couple of drips. What's causing the low blood pressure? Is it the lack of meat?

I think so. Do you'm gonna start eating meat again so i tentatively no no no no no chill out i'm gonna go and get hypnotized uh what just eat a fucking big by harry's mom what by a tit yeah i'm gone so you've gone oh i've got low blood pressure. Might be the veganism. Hypnosis. I'm going to get hypnotised by Harry's mum. What I said to Harry, I was like, I was kind of half joking. I was like, I need to sort this out now. We're all aware.

I'm just ill all the time. And I wasn't before that. Seneca's response was, he's a very sickly boyfriend, isn't he? He is a sickly boyfriend. A Victorian. Yeah, you could be cast as like dying man in any like period drama. Dying man.

87 year old. So I said to Harry, I was like, oh, I might just go and get hypnotized. He was like, my mum does hypnosis. I was like, of course she does. Of course she does. Have a fucking steak. I can't, I'll have a panic attack.

You already have a panic attack. I'm not having panic attacks. I'm fainting. I'm not having panic attacks. Potato, tomato, mate. They're the same thing. I was fine. I was completely fine.

I was sunbathing on the beach. And I was... You passed out lying down. No, no, no. I just fell asleep. Jesus Christ. I was in bed, all tucked up, and me whale sounds on.

I just nodded off. Passed out flying down. I've been doing that on the regs. I said to my sister, I was like, I'm going to the room. Did you mean the animal as well? Not just like Welsh people. Tom Jones.

Some whale sounds on. I'm going to bed. I'm going to bed i went to i was just like i'm going to the room i need a shit so i walked there we had the hotel had its own beach and you could get to it through some cave so i walked through the through the cave up the steps and at the top of the steps i went went, oh, shit, I'm going to be sick. Just out of the blue. So there was a communal toilet just 20 meters. So I went to that, tried to be sick. And I was like, oh, no, this is not going to be sick. This is too hot.

So I went to splash my face with cold water. But they only had a hot tap, which was fun. Just fucking Ocean Beach. So I splashed my face with cold water, but they only had a hot tap, which was fun. Just fucking ocean beach. So I splashed my face with hot water. Then the next thing. And that didn't cool you down? No, it didn't. It was weird.

Boiled the kettle. The next thing that happened, I think I've come to because someone else has come into the toilet and I've suddenly like come to and it was some Scottish lad and he went, are you all right? I went, yeah went yeah i'm fine i thought i'd just play it off you know sat on the floor of a toilet lay on lay on the floor not sat lay on the floor i went i went

i went yeah i'm fine i'm just a bit hot so i stood up get this fucking hot water I love you it's the gayest answer I've ever heard lying on the floor of a Turkish toilet I'm just dead hot mate you know what I mean lying on the floor of a Turkish toilet is Arctic Monkeys right

I was later walk down the the horse corridor what the horse corridor what stables there was a really

big corridor that for some reason had just lots of different pictures of horses oh my god got halfway down the corridor to the pool room like as in snooker pool um stacked it and then i've come to and gone right this is i'm fucked here so you fainted twice yeah i fainted twice when's the bash of the face happen don't know all right okay don't have no idea i've come to the second

time and gone right yeah you're not getting to the room so i've i've phoned my sister and gone you need to come and help me out here i've passed out twice um and then they brought she brought a brigade of turkish men uh to come in yeah she brought the turkish overreaction to come and help me um and they they're just essentially chucking bottles of water in my face. Boiling water. Open water. Not just like bottles. No, just the bottles. Fucking kill the cops.

And then they've called the doctor who was 20 minutes away and what turned up was, no joke, the fittest nurse of all time. She looked like Kim Kardashian at her peak. I was a bit out of it at this point, obviously. My sister told me I was still trying to flirt with this

nurse who spoke no English and go like tensing when she was doing my blood pressure. Oh, Jesus. I'm on the floor though. I'm always here, mate. They've taken me to the hospital. They've done an ecg you're making me hotter i mean oh there we go i'm always on the floor you're like

that's not just a bit of piss on me top just piss uh they've done an ecg so you didn't shag her i didn't shag her no i should have shagged her in front of the horses if i wasn't if i hadn't fainted obviously yeah um had an ecg and the they've they've put me on a drip for a bit um there's been a bit of miscommunication between my mum and dad so i'd phone my mum on the way there in the in the car and just go i'm fine don't worry about me but i've i've hit my head my dad comes running into the hospital because he'd misheard it and had been told that i'd smashed my face and that i was uh in grave danger that's a very mum things do though isn't it i i don't think

i'm okay i've hit my head yeah i'm just gonna go to the hospital and get a source of those. John! He smashed his face in! You need to open! I think this is him. He's not been in England. He's not been speaking English for a while, so his English is a bit rusty. So I think he's heard banged and interpreted as like, my teeth have come out.

I think his mum must be in dramatic. She's trying to make it like a Poirot episode. Who done this to him? It's been a decapitation. So yeah, that was day five of the holiday. So not too long. How long was the holiday?

Seven? Seven. Seven days. At least you got a good start. Yeah, I got a good start. And no idea what's causing it. Low blood pressure, but no idea.

What's causing the low blood pressure? Don't know. Have you been able to Zooton? No, I've been off that for nearly two weeks now. There you go. It's not that. Because that lowers your blood pressure. That lowers your blood pressure.

Maybe it's the eight years of smoking weed before that. Maybe you need to put some bacon in your pot. Oh, yeah. Bacon. Cholesterol. Yeah. Raise your blood pressure. Waken bacon.

Yeah. Yeah. Maybe I'll do that. Do the bacon bits, do they work? Do you not like the ones you get in a salad? Gotta be honest,

Finn, I'm making this up, so I don't know. Just eat more meat? Yes, I'm going to get hypnotised. By Harry's mum. So how long's Harry, I know you're not going to be on the pub,

but now... Oh, to eat meat? Yeah, yeah. Oh! Not to stop lying down on toilet floors. I need to know, Harry, how long has your mum Yeah, yeah. Not to stop lying down on toilet floors. I need to know, Harry,

how long has your mum been a hypno bitch? She... She... Be a great Instagram handle. You'd love to go and see a hypno bitch. All right, look at these going everywhere. A couple of years ago, she became a counsellor and then she took some course to become like... A lot of counsellors do hypnotherapy, don't they?

Yeah, so she now does hypnotherapy, but I don't know how many people she's actually done it to. Can you take a course? Is it not magic? I think there's a difference between- I'm a hypnotherapist. She can just lay into people like her. Yeah, man, you can.

It's not like making you like like darren brown it's like close your eyes oh now you don't want to smoke anymore so then it'd be i can do that he's already hypnotherapist close your eyes you want a big mac i do wow yeah so my mom would like put finn and his inner like state of like wanting a kebab Finn and is in a like state of like wanting a kebab do you want to start

like lowering because kebabs quite meaty isn't it like corn yeah well you eat that already don't you

I do do you eat eggs I don't but that's for taste reasons start them on eggs get them to like it he's not vegan he's vegetarian

taste reasons not for right yeah just start with a chicken you don't like the taste of eggs no

oh you fucking weirdo wave a thin hand you're just a lost cause thin's not he's a child he might have used that after all my gear now

eggs are class oh they're great love them in the morning eggs then we'll move you on to chicken that's the natural way to go do you know what I mean yeah

yeah I've had the fetus now let's have the the real thing oh that's the wrong way to think about it yeah love a bit of yoghurt

salty salty man yoghurt yeah make you feel good don't worry about where I come from so what don't you eat what's the lowest thing you don't eat

what's the least animal-y thing that you don't eat because about the animal stuff about the animals just meat just meat prawns I don't

I've never liked seafood but that's because i watched my dad batter a fish when i was six on concrete oh my god that's nil for me in between us you just punch a fish to death why what did the fish he's a he's now a full-time fisherman he was a part-time fisherman he sounds like a shit fish by way, that sounds like he's now gay and used to be bisexual. Just so you know.

He was a full-time fisherman. He's actually a bit of a part-time fisherman, if you know what I mean. It was a hobby when he was here and he's gone back over to Turkey and made it his dream a reality. And now he's a proper fisherman. Does he fish by catching them and just battering them?

What? What? He's not a bear. He's a Turkish fisherman. He watched us have a punch of fish to death. It's a Turkish fisherman. He watched us punch a fish to death. It wasn't punch it. It was on the patio. There's no striking.

It's just you now. He had a fish in a bucket. The fish's tail taps. He had a fish in a bucket and it was moving too much or something. So he took it out I think six is I think I was eight and he's

gone bang onto the patio twice and that no more fish from me please right you didn't taste it though did you I didn't but I've just

I had salmon last night with a teriyaki on it didn't even punch his head in I didn't need to how was Nashville I had salmon last night with a teriyaki on it didn't even punch his head in I wouldn't need to yeah how was Nashville? I'm going to go and see Harry's mum for a hypnotherapy session

bring it in we'll do a special you're going to get hipnoted about cocaine? I don't know it's gone it's fine is it gone? no more cocaine

ever again? no ages? that's good genuinely it's I think I've just I've been out a few times on the piss and it's not been an issue

so what are you getting a hip node for eggs eggs eggs vapes her back the law it's because I've been doing it

when I was drinking so I need to quit that again yeah yeah she vapes though pussy so she just won't she vapes no I vape.

I'm not getting them off that. I like it. Don't start that fucking Robocop bifton again. Porn? I want to stop watching porn. Together? You're doing it now. So do I.

I just, I put a search in the other day and when I read it back, it's not even that bad. Specific. It was so specific. Go on. Go on. I don't even know if I want to say it because it's so weirdly specific. It was black woman squirting a car.

Is that because you've seen that video before? Yeah, yeah. I'm telling you right now, once you search it, there's a lot to choose from. Oh, well, my porn hub's well racist then. It's not even suggesting it. We know after fucking 20 years of wanking, you do not want these to choose from. Oh, well, my porn hub's well racist and it's not even suggesting it. Dan, we know

after fucking 20 years of wanking, you do not want these black girls. Like, it's totally just... Why watch your history? Let me wipe this.

What did Freddie Quinn add a great bit? He's got a racist cock. Did he? Had a really good bit. Wow. Tag him below. Fucking hell. Can I help me? Finn's had a racist cock. Did he? Had a really good bit about it. Wow. Tag him below. Fucking hell.

Can I help me? Finn's had a fight with a car and feels hard all of a sudden. I don't know what I'd get off. Oh my God. How many search results? Everton. How many search results came up?

So many. Do you want me to do it? Do you want me to do it? What is it? Black woman squirts in a car. I know I've got too specific. When you know sometimes they go, oh, there's 10,000 results

and it comes back and there's like, there's 211. Yeah. You're like, oh. What are those? Oh God. Sound off, yeah. Finn's got it as a bookmark.

Go on. 409. 409 videos on Pornhub.com. That's very low. That is low. That is low. That's a niche search. I'm seeing it.

I'm seeing it. I'm like, is that... Where have you got to? I was very hungover. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the cock wants what the cock wants. Adam's not a full bird until he's hungover, and he's like,

I want to see some bad things. I've done bad things to myself did it work? did what work? that video is that what you wanted or did you move on? oh no it worked

oh cool success yeah there you go loves a car my dick's already got to communicate with me knows what it's after

yeah you know there you go that was Nashville it's good have you seen any black girls quite in a car? No.

Not in real life. There's an Uber you wouldn't forget. Choose all the seats. All my seats. It's every bit as good as when we went there, like as a city. It wasn't as constant fun as we had because we had so much planned and things.

When you're in a big group like that, you can faction off and people are doing their own thing. It was class though. It was all really good. The bars are just fucking unbelievable. The music's unbelievable. Everything's unbelievable.

It's the same vibe because it's about the same time of the year, isn't it? Yeah, but on top of that, it was CMA Fest. So I've never really seen a city music festival as incredible as this like the way they do it so they have the stadium nights so every night the thursday friday saturday sunday it is every night there's stadium tickets but you can also buy a four-day pass to the stadium and that's the stadium we see in luke combs and so it's like 90 000 people or whatever it is And they've got like a five headliner bill

and they all do like 40 minutes each, which we went to on the Friday. It's fucking unbelievable. But on top of that, all day from like 11 o'clock in the morning, like it would be at Glastonbury or whatever, but it's nearly twice the size of Glastonbury, which get your head around that, in a city. So the live music, they're everywhere.

It's literally... It's still in all the bars like it was last year. Of course, yeah, yeah. But then there's a riverfront stage where literally they've built a stage on the bank of the river and they've put like a grass knoll on the river so it like slopes down,

but you can just sit on the slopes and stuff. And there's like some of the best bands and artists in country music, like the best up and coming ones. Not like the super big name headliners, like Morgan Muller and Luke Holmes, they're not doing it. But just one rung below that.

Yeah. They're doing that stage and it's free. Jesus. Like it's free access to that. And- How'd you plan that? Did you know it was on? I knew it was this weekend, yeah.

So I knew I'd get to go to a couple of things. The three of us, me, Alfie and Jack, went to the stadium on the Friday. Jack came with me to that Riverfront stage on Saturday, but he got off because he had quite a bad headache and was feeling quite hungover. But I just stayed on my own and had a fucking class time.

Met up with Henry while we were out there Gina who works for Zoe's place in here best mate they were out there for a few days Gabby Bryant as well Gabby Bryant so I was on Instagram and I'd put like a Instagram story up of the stadium someone was like that's class you know Gabby Bryant's there as well so I just messaged Gabby and I was like are you in Nashville Nashville? She was like, yeah. The new Bon Jovi bar is opening tonight. So we're here for the opening party. Do you want to come? And I went, yeah.

Were you there? Yeah, they were performing in their own bar. You saw Bon Jovi? Yeah. I saw footage of it on her story. It looked fucking sick. What do you mean? What do I mean?

You saw Bon Jovi and just say it like that? Yeah, but he's not that bothered about Bon Jovi and he's just seen all the people he loves. Yeah saw Bon Jovi and just say it like that. Yeah, but he's not that bothered about Bon Jovi and he's just seen all the people he loves. Yeah. Bon Jovi is shite. I'm joking. They were classed.

They were great. But you're not bothered about Bon Jovi, are you? No, I am. It's not like my favourite thing in the world, but it was still like, as soon as I found out

it was happening, I was like to Jack and Alfie, we're fucking going. Yeah, of course. And then after that, Jack and Alfie were like, we want to go back to the east side tonight. You know, they're like cool Jack and Alfie, we're fucking going. Yeah, of course. And then after that, Jack and Alfie were like, we want to go back to the East side tonight.

You know, they're like cool, like lakeside bars and stuff. But we'd done that like for a few nights in a row and I was like, I want to go to losers. And Gabby was like, we're all going to losers.

So I just went with them and let Alfie and Jack go off and do their own thing. Yeah. Is that that video of you living your absolute best life? Yeah, and I'm not posing for that. I didn't even know

that was happening. I'm just having the time. i'm blathered having the time it is an unbelievable bar as well um and then the next night uh jack had arranged like a hinge date and was seeing some girl and alfie and uh henry wanted to go to a couple of bars that i'd been to before and gabby was like we're going to this line dancing place called nashville palace like everyone we were at with last night and there's like a big group of them loads of girls she loads from nashville a brother a couple of the lads she was like and my whole family are coming later as well and i was like i'm gonna come and meet you for a bit so i went up and it was absolutely unbelievable like i can't believe we don't all live there i'd'd be there every fucking Saturday, mate.

I'd be line dancing. Yeah, line dancing, two-stepping, fucking having... It was class. How many people are the line dancing thing? I can show you the video. A few hundred. I think I've seen the video. I saw it on Gabby's story. It looks sick.

My mum used to line dance. Did she? Yeah, it's a proper 90s thing. We did it in primary school, but it was Welsh. Dan does the line dance on his own in the toilet. Cocaine. We got it. It's good.

The audio listeners, Adam's just showed Dan the line dancing video. there's a lot of people there class unbelievable the whole place is class I can't wait to go back again I'm going to go back next year

but I heard a rumour that CMA Fest might be in Austin next year I think you'd love Austin as well well I'm going there in October so I'll let you know alright cool just going to get a permanent co-host

what I mean what are the what are the chances of you... Say everything goes how you want it to go. Like Netflix pick up the special and your profile in America goes up. How much of the year do you think ideally you'd spend in the States? Three months, I think.

Yeah? Inconsecutively or spread out? I think three one-month runs. Three months, I think. Yeah. Dan said six. In consecutively or spread out? I think three one-month runs, I think. I've got to think about this. Dan said in his head, you're going to move there for six months and we're going to get you half the year. No, sorry.

I meant six months of the year. I didn't mean six months chunks. Yeah, no. Because I could see you going, not leaving Liverpool. This is where I'm at. But that draw is so much. And there's so much.

Because if it starts going in America, it isn't to be. It's not like, oh, I'll go for three weeks and we'll just do America. It's a massive thing, isn't it? Yeah. But it depends what type of comic you want to be in America. And for me, I don't want to just be someone who goes over and does the odd club gig here and there. One thing I've realized about being there this time, because i've had a lot of time this week to think

about that because i do love it there and i feel very at home in nashville like i love new york and i can absolutely see myself living there and making a life of it but i don't feel as at home in new york as i have both times immediately felt in nashville it just feels very comfortable to me um but i've thought about that and being like what would i want and the idea of go like if i move to nashville tomorrow i'd still have money from my tour left over and you know if we were sort of still doing this podcast but i was like commuting back for it whenever and i would still need to start making money over there and it would in many ways be a bit like starting again not again but it would probably put

me back you know to 2015 16 or something like that in terms of where i'd be at and that would be a very difficult thing to do and it's not something i really want to do unless there's performance enhancing like yeah if circumstance totally and going back over and doing more podcasts and doing more club sets and then touring a little bit and dipping in and dipping out. And then eventually getting to a point you can do really big shows out there. That's a good few years down the line. And we'll see when we get there.

But I'd like to spend, you know, I really enjoy being out there. I think this isn't an official thing or anything, but I think my special is going to go out in October. And if it does, I want to go back to New York in October and do a few days, do some podcasting shows, promote it. And I would like to go to Austin and do a few podcasts there and promote it in October if it goes out.

So go and do both of them. But then I have also just booked tickets to see Zach Bryan in New York in December. Can't miss that. We've got India in November as well. Busy boy. So I am going to go. I've always wanted to do New York at Christmas

and it shows on the 18th of December so I'm going to go and do like the 16th to the 21st. Don't take Carl Serica for murdering. That'll be a year after we went to Vegas. The same thing. Yeah, and I'll have been to America three times this year. How's the shopping?

I feel like you've come back with some swag. You bought a suitcase. So I bought a 23-kilogram suitcase, and it's full. Nice. And I had to make room in my other suitcases still by stuffing my socks into my cowboy boots. That's a song. That's like myself.

And that still didn't leave me room for the two new cowboy hats I bought. It was such a good week. It was such a good fucking week. But towards the end of it, I was like, I could absolutely live here, but I am also kind of excited to get back now and get back to work. Well, that's good. That's a good sign. I feel that when I'm away, also kind of excited to get back now and get back to work well that's good that's a good sign i feel like when i'm away i'm like setting like

oh i don't want to go back to work and i'm like i can't fucking wait to get back every time i have a break by the end of it i'm like right yeah what am i gonna do get more sets blah blah blah it's a nice feeling isn't it yeah because we like what we do i enjoy enjoying what i do yeah what you've been drinking what's been the uh tipple of choice while you're over there? Because you can't do the Guinness, can you? A lot of light beers. I'm a light beers man, you know? Miller Lite, Miller High Life, Coors Banquet.

All good options. I like the Banquet. And a lot of tequila. Tequila, lime and tonic. Finn's dad does something with Guinness. I don't know, you may spit in his face. Finn. Yeah. Don't spit in his face. Finn. Yeah.

Yeah. Don't spit in my face. You can, I'll ring him and you can shout at him. Not unless it's warm. He ordered a Guinness at this posh new,

new bit of Turkey that I've not been to before. Mistake already. Yeah. It was in a can and it had ice in it and he poured it without stopping. It had ice in a can, and it had ice in it. And he poured it without stopping. It had ice in the can?

In the cup, in the glass, and he just poured it nonstop and then just started downing it. He's a rogue. He's a maverick. The beachkinners. Yeah. Did he down it? He had half of it immediately, and then he left it for a bit.

If he downed it. If he downed it. You give him it. He's, like, just onside. Like, he's offside, but I think he's on. Yeah. Like, he's leaning across, but I think that should be onside. The wenger rule.

I am surprised. It should be daylight. Because the first thing I did was send it to Carl and went. Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm being really nice about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is absolutely horrific.

Out of a can's already bad enough. In Turkey, bad enough. Yeah, yeah. What does he usually drink? Raki. Right. So what's made him? It's Scooby-Doo's favourite drink.

What does... Or racist term. What does... Why has he gone for a Guinness out of nowhere? We were... Was he just showing off to you a bit? No, they were just there, him and my uncle. He did the same thing,

but he's not half the British culture, so I let him off. But, yeah, he had that. It was something. I thought it looked disgusting. Yeah, it did. I see a lot of people, and they're just doing it for the shares and whatnot

and the reaction online, but doing what you do with a Turbo Shandy or whatever with a Guinness. Apparently with a Blue Wicker, it's nice though. I haven't tried it, but apparently that's a really... I'm all down for trying it, but it's going to be bad, isn't it? I've seen someone do it with Monster,

and that's my two worlds colliding there. Garf's and Guinness drinkers. Keep me out of that, mate. Imagine if you loved it, though. I'd be so upset. I wouldn't drink it out of the supply. 12.4. Life's a lie.

Yeah. Oh, God, I'd hate myself. How's your son's toe, baby? How's my son's toe? Yeah. Oh, life's a lie. Yeah. Oh, God, I'd hate myself. How's your son's toe, baby? How's my son's toe? Yeah. Oh, not good. Looks like he looks fucking, like, cartoon sore. Like, he's pulled down a bench onto his foot.

He's having a bad few weeks. I think he's going through, like, an emotional leap or whatever. He's being a real ball bag and was sort of having a bit of a tantrum and ended that tantrum by pulling down a large bench onto his toe. And I was here, we were having a meeting on Zoom and I was just sort of finishing up and Carl was over there editing and I was doing something on my phone and I saw Laura call.

If she'd have called twice, I'd have gone, oh, it's an emergency. You know when you see a missed call and you go, I'll call back in two minutes. But if it's two straight in a row, you're like, there's a problem. You never answered the phone the first time, did you? Never answered the phone the first time. I don't think you've ever answered the first time.

But then she called me. She called Carl. And it started with Jack screaming down the phone. I went, whoa. And she went, get Dan to call me. And then hung up. I was like, oh, shit. So while we were on holiday, right?

Look, I'm not saying this in any way other than to say that it happened. I'm not saying this happens a lot, but it just did. I got a DM off a girl, right, that just said, you're sexy, you. Right? And I screenshotted it and put it in the chat with Jack and Alfie. And I was like, sitting in the water today, boys, because earlier on, like, some girl had, like, flirted with me and, like, walking down the street to do it with me top on. I was sitting in the water today, boys, because earlier on, like some girl had like flirted with me and like walking down the street

with like to do it with me top on. I was sitting in the water today, boys, and Jack put in the group a photo that he'd just got. And he was like, this was a nude off a girl just going, this is all yours whenever you want it. And Alfie said,

yeah, the same. His message was from Jessie. And it said, I'm sorry to be this bitch. Need help. Margo's bleeding. Oh, no. Don't be parents.

Oh, class. All right, cool. I'll get on a plane then. So you got home when he was in agony, wasn't he? Yeah, so he's been a bit of a ball bag recently, but he's now a ball bag that's got a fucked up toe so we live across from a paramedic and the paramedic simon sound guy nice to have a paramedic across the road yeah came over and checked him said it wasn't broken but then

overnight laura's anxiety built up she was like i've got to take him to the hospital today so today's been a bit fucked but he's fine he's now still being a bit of a ball bag but he's laid up so it's really weird because he had a tantrum today that i very rare that i've ever seen it just went up the gears i couldn't chill him out and the more i tried to soothe him the more he got annoyed he was like getting himself so fucking wound up but wouldn't move because his toe was sore so he's losing his shit but he was static getting himself so fucking wound up, but wouldn't move because his toe was sore. So he's losing his shit, but he was static. It was so mental.

He's having a weird few weeks. At what point do you go to like bribery there? Go, lad, shut up. He's too young for bribery. Here's some sweets. He's too young. He would work, but he wouldn't just shut him up. It's been a full-on one.

Nashville sounds fun though. Yeah. A lot of fun. I haven't got kids. One day. No. Oh, there's new weapon plans. Is there?

No joke. It's so funny that you said that on the last Patreon. Yeah. I got home and said I could sit on the couch, like, smiling. I went, okay, what's this? And then she showed me, and it's a bit different, you know? Try and tell us. But we're not allowed to go on planes because we've had some comments oh yeah apparently we're tories because we talk about airports so cars are tory for fusing planes so get ready we're going to tuscany on a coach sorry

hang on what was this comment from him what was it i've been called a tory a couple of times for complaining about airports. No, hang on. We got called out for mentioning airports. There was another one going, stop talking about airports, you Tories. They're like,

okay. We need to walk everywhere now. So when you go to Boston, you know, get some nice shoes because you're walking there. To Boston? I'm not even going there.

I said Austin. We're in Newcastle. What's the new wedding plans called? We're going to tuscany all right not fiorentina where are we going i haven't listened because none of it matters it's gonna be a bigger wedding though so you're gonna be an actual best man though okay so it's not a real wedding that was your way of asking you by the way thank you that's good it's a bigger wedding in Tuscany. More people going.

By coach. Many more. But proper wedding. Proper wedding. Like every girl always dreams of, that type of wedding. Do you know what's really mad? Is, you know, for like the best part of a decade, right? When we've spoke about you and Selika maybe getting married.

And you've always been like, we don't want that. I don't even think we're going to get married at any point. You know, I think we might just live in harmony forever. And I've always been like, women are mental, and she'll eventually change her mind. And you've always been like, no. And then it was like, right, maybe we're going to get married, but it's just going to be a tiny little wedding.

It's just going to be me, Seneca, you, and the dog, and we're all just going to have a nice time. And then it was, oh, we're going to do it a little bit bigger. Dan, maybe you could host it. And then it was, you know what? We'll take six years away, and then we'll have three separate weddings, but none of them are a real wedding.

And the entire time, the entire time, and I'm talking for a full 10 years, I've always been like, he's going to have a proper, massive, proper wedding, and I'm so glad that I'm right this week. And it'll be different next week. And I'll be back to five bussing a yoghurt. It'll be the moon.

We're going to the moon. The moon's cheaper. So many yoghurt references today. And this is why when you go, we're not having kids, I call a little bit of bullshit. What's going to change there? She's going to have babies. You're going to get married?

You're going to be like, we're going on honeymoon and you're going to come in my poom poom. What's going to happen? I'm going to wake up at 3am one day and go, I wish a human had shit in the other room. Let's stay awake for four hours. No, that's not how it works.

You will give Seneca whatever she wants. You will. If she turned around, she would say, she wants kids less than me. No, for now, for now. She didn't want to wait two around to you and said, But she wants kids less than me. No, she, yeah. For now. For now. She didn't want to wait two months to go.

And now we're all going to Tuscany for the big water park holiday. Then it's a pearl party day. You've learnt nothing. It's a pearl party day. Of course it is. We talk about kids regularly. We're not having kids.

Carl. Carl. It's like you're having kids. We didn't go, Hey, do you want a wedding? No. You literally went I'm not getting a big wedding

So everyone's having A free fucking dinner Tuscany There is absolutely no way You do not know women She is going to get married And then two months later She's going to be like

I could push a little baby Out of me Because she's an Irish gangster. She is. She's in kin. Shout out that fucking show. Yeah. There's no way she doesn't wiggle on that.

What? If I don't want kids right now, so she can wiggle all she wants. You would give her whatever she wanted. She'd have to wiggle on another fella. That's the type of man you are. You would give her what she wanted. And I don't mean that

in like a bitch way. I mean it in like a really nice husband way. They'll be pulling bitches on the toes and no no. If she turned round to you in six months

and was like I want a baby you wouldn't say no. I'd be like stop putting Geordie accents on. She's all over the road. I want a car. I want a baby.

And boom boom. What we've said is we'll check in with each other every six months ago. How do you feel about kids? I understand what you've said. What we've said is we'll check in with each other every six months ago. How do you feel about kids? I understand what you've said. What we're saying is this stance of like, you don't want a baby now.

Like you didn't want a wedding five years ago. Yeah, but there's no wedding clock ticking, is there? What are you talking about? Biological clock. Oh mate, that clock is going to get louder. It's actually an anti-clock. It keeps coming back. She's a fucking time traveller. I've got myself a time travelling baby.

So it's going to be, yeah, in Tuscany. And you're going to be a best man. Class. I'm thinking come. I can't wait for this one. Thanks. No, I mean, you could come.

You've made it. Thank you. You've made it. You and then three, maybe two or three groomsmen, but you're not you're any of them you're the

minestainer minestainer minister and entertainer the minestainer right yeah how many guests are we talking 50

50 you still haven't the big party when you get home with 7000 people that you need the second wedding well the second wedding

has got to be because it's illegal 100% oh so there's still the third the third wedding to be because it's the legal one. A hundred percent. Oh, so there's... Still third. The third one. Yeah, nothing's changed. It's just the first one got bigger.

Yeah. There's two big weddings and a little legal service. No, the second one, you probably won't be here. In fact, you just won't be here. What percentage is it happening in Tuscany? Well, we're booking flights to Pisa.

So, you know, that's not a euphemism. I'll wait for my flightsisa i'll book mine i think there is a website carl doesn't want a baby.com yeah that's what it is yeah right because there's obviously not everyone can go for all three days so it's gonna be like what can you come to? And then we can work out numbers and stuff. You're all coming to all the days, by the way. Soz.

Yeah, yeah. One of the days is a pool party, because there's a pool. And what's the other one? Welcome drinks. Yeah. Which is like, hello everyone, even though I know everyone. Second day is the wedding. And then the last day is the pool party.

Okay. Which will be sick but again it could be in I don't know Rajasthan next week I know yeah I'm not going to book my flight by the way

until like a week before no you are when we've sent you the invite when you've paid the deposit yeah yeah

I'll buy some flights we need to go to see her first yeah yeah you always seem relaxed when you talk about it she said the deposit yeah yeah I'll buy some flights we need to go to see her first yeah yeah we seem relaxed when you talk about it she said

I can backseat her which blew my mind great shout in the ass it's a good wedding present that

if we can have a big wedding in Tuscany you can bum my head off on the wedding night how about that no she went she went obviously I've got to take,

I've got to, you know, go, oh, I want that. But she's taken the reins. She's an amazing woman. She is? Oh, yeah. She's wonderful. Little caveat. If you had to guess right now,

do you think their wedding's going to be in Tuscany? Buenos Aires. She sent a few emails she's been on go daddy ironically we've got the domain

we need to go to Pisa to see her because it's like an hour on the side of Pisa and then yous will be staying in the house

Finn no the wedding party stays in the house don't they oh nice sleeps 16 I think this is I think this might be the one

it's a 40% chance this is the one so that's 60% chance no so you think no yeah I'm just going off the form yeah she

yeah it's alright we'll be there Carl I know you'll be there I don't want it to be in Rajasthan but if anywhere you tell me on mainland Europe I'll be into it

I bet you're under credit and I'm in Susquehanna I'm not taking that bet there's no way Dan take it you tell me on mainland Europe, I'll be into it. I bet you that 100 quid isn't on in Susquehanna. I'm not taking that bet. There's no way. Dan, take it. I've got to book flights the next couple of days. To go and see it.

That doesn't mean anything. Yeah, but you did that in Venice and then just had the three-day holiday and came home. Yeah, but we can't do that. I can't take that bet. It's a waste of 100 quid. It's a waste of 100 quid

because I'm not sure. Like, I know you're getting married and I'll be there. Fuck knows where it's going to be, Karl. I'll give you two to one. Wow.

Shake his hand, you can afford a one in your gimp. So 100. A ton? A thousand pounds. A joke for nobody that isn't in this room.

So, are you betting 100 to 200 or are you betting 50 to 100? 50 to 100. Oh, you shithouse. 100 to 200 or are you betting 50 to 100? 50 to 100. Oh, you shithouse. 100 to 200.

Jesus Christ. For Zoe's place. Oh, yeah, yeah. Fine. Oh, good bet. Might as well just give money to Zoe's place. We're giving loads.

But yeah, so you're going to be more of a best man. Means you need to do a speech. Class. Which will be good though. I'm excited. I might just do a roast.

And just... Dinner. Oh, wow. I'm not excited I might just have a roast and just dinner oh wow I'm not coming yep doing a roast see you later I'll add you

question Carl I know you're about to get married wear the power snips quiet is he allowed to wear a cowboy hat no why why don't you let him

I wouldn't tell you you couldn't wear a cowboy hat no I know you wouldn't to my own wedding yeah no you're going to be wearing I wouldn't tell you. You couldn't wear the cowboy hat. No, I know you wouldn't. To my own wedding. Yeah. No, you're going to be wearing the groomsman suit. Okay.

With a cowboy hat. That's going to be like a fucking... I want a captain's armband. And a sex ring. Just to know, she is a wonderful woman. She is. We're going to have to say it every few minutes. Stunning. Adam bought her some

gifts from, he also bought me this, which is lovely, a baseball top, Tokyo. She bought Seneca her favourite snack, and Seneca's response was, tell him thank you, that's really nice. Tell him I'll see you later. Spain.

She can backseat him. She's taking the reins and I care don't you Paul you've just got to do a really good job of being invested

without really stating a fucking preference just when she goes what do you think of these I'm thinking that one be like oh yeah

yeah you're right that one here we go let's role play I'll be sad okay you alright you like your arms give me some boobs of these, I'm thinking that one. Be like, whoa, yeah. Yeah, you're right, that one. Here we go. Let's role play. I'll be Seneca. You like your arms? Give me some boobs.

Oh, my God. All right. Fucking Spider-Man. Sit down. What are you doing? You're looking agony. You're in the gym. Which flowers? Roses or lilies? Roses. You don't like roses, so that's a trick question. And I don't know about lilies. You idiot. You don't like roses, so that's a trick question. And I don't know about lilies. You idiot.

You don't like roses. We prefer peonies, don't we? Prefer what? Peonies. Sort the biscuits later. No, let's get the flowers nailed down. That's where the wedding is now, the peonies. Mountain wedding. What's where the wedding is now, the peony. Mountain wedding.

What's a peony's flower? A peony is her favourite flower. It's a type of flower. So I go, we'll have to trick question. We're going to get peonies. And she go, oh, you're on it. Okay. There you go.

First pet. Tick tock. Chicken, salmon, or... What's that? That's just for the East Coast. Chicken, salmon, or lamb for the mains. Salmon's a bit lighter and obviously going to be a bit warmer, so I'll go with salmon.

Oh, no, ask her what she's thinking. What do you reckon? I want to know what you think. Oh, I think salmon. Really? But not as many people like salmon as chicken. Some people don't like seafood, Carl. She's in a mood.

I'll probably go with chicken then. It's an all-rounder. Chicken. Nice. A bit boring, though, isn't it? A bit safe. Yeah. Treat it properly. I'll go with chicken then it's an all rounder chicken nice bit boring though bit safe treat it properly I'd go with lamb then

yeah good idea yeah lamb there you go that was my first choice I was double guessing it she's fucking scary today okay so we've got peonies

biscuits lamb what colour chairs do you want I think they're provided by the venue yeah but we've got a choice what are the choices?

White, yellow, black, blue, green, and different greens. Jesus, their storeroom for chairs must be massive. I'd go with white. It's quite a colourful venue. But I'm wearing white. You're not? I am. Have you changed?

I'm changing lines. I do that quite a lot, don't I? Are you all wearing white? So I'll probably lose you if you sat down. Let's go with black. It's not a snow leopard. But you know my favourite colour is different green. Your favourite colour is violet, I think.

Some kind of lilac. Don't tell her what her favourite colour is. I've changed it around on that show. Do you not know me at all? No. Let's go with green. The different coloured green. Good call.

Plates. Big ones or little ones? What's on them? Food. Is it the main? Yeah. Big. Hmm.

Okay. All little. Adam's idea of what Brian is into. Big plates, little plates. Can't have both. Bread on little plates. And band or DJ? Oh, you want band, so I want band.

Band. Band. Do you still want that? Have you not changed your mind? Do you want the band, yeah? She wants to have a word with Adam, and it's nothing but country music. Right.

He said that? No, he said, he's talked me into it. I think it's a good idea. Right. Cool. Will I get married then? You've got a Luke Combs tribute act or a DJ?

Let's go with a DJ. No, he's dead. He's dead. I'll book him. No, she wants some Italian music for the band. Italian music? I'm not coming to that.

Fuck that. You can't dance to Italian music. What about an Italian Luke Combs? All that shit. What was that? Italian music. What about an Italian Luke Combs? Shit. What was that? Italian music. Sorry, do it again. That's the Cornetto song?

That's the dart. That's the only song. She wants the Cornetto song on repeat. She wants a live band. And then she wants, obviously, you know, DJ music in the night. Sweet Caroline. Are we going to give them some requests? If Sweet Caroline has played at my wedding, I'll fly home. You will come.

If you don't do Wagon Wheel, there will be a fire. I'll play it for you. I'll make sure. That was easy, wasn't it? He's going to be a great best man, isn't he? Just there for support the whole way. With a cowboy hat on. You've got just a bigger role.

What? You're the fucking... You're the ch hat on. You've got just a bigger role. What? You're the fucking, you're the chavvy. I'm MCing it, mate. No. I'm all good. I'm TV warm-up. No, you're not MCing it.

I know, but that's how it feels. Yeah, just be good. Yeah. I know you will be. With me being old Father Dan, the minister, the vicar, the priest,

it's getting nonce here innit are you gonna are we gonna script that the am I gonna have the scripted lines no we're not doing the traditional

I'll just riff it that's your job girl you should fucking take him no that's not traditional is in Liverpool that's gonna be like

for sickness and health all that you're basically just you make it up and then yeah yeah that's what sickness and health. You're basically just... You make it up and then... Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Do you want me to... What vows are you doing out there? What?

What vows are you doing? You write your own vows, don't you? I'll write my vows. She'll write her vows. And Dan will... But it is going to be scripted, isn't it? Otherwise, it's just going to be three of us going, Carl, do you want to do your bit?

So we can do your bit? Oh, we'll have organised the... Yeah, there's going to be a... Rehearsal. be a rehearsal everyone sit the fuck down adam take your cowboy hat off i'll be no swearing actually there's no old people there swear away yeah yeah yeah yeah my mom will be there though what's happening white people get it going one non-white okay okay he's shut he's the only problematic isn't he I can't invite more though because then that's a problem

because I've invited them because of that that's true at least we'll find him on the white chairs that was bad where's he shot oh there he is contrast should we have a break

yeah that was going to be half an hour and we're back hello did you find that preppy deleted Dan it was funny wasn't it

when we did that that's why Dan's in a bad mood oh my god it was so annoying halfway through this we were like fucking hell

Dan's being spiky can't take any criticism here he's like any little dig got a new jingle got a new jingle irrational celebrity beefs oh my own complaining can i do a little irrational celebrity just just just before we start that dan um i deleted some prep about 10 minutes ago and i nearly lost my mind myself it was bad there's someone that has some beef with you. I just want to show you this little clip now, Carl, if you want to also look at this. Is that your dad? It is my dad.

You've got beef with Dan? Oh, my God. It does look like Dan a bit, actually. Go on. Hello, Dan. I've been hearing you try to stall under my son. If you come into the next year in Turkey, you'll be settled like a real man.

I didn't understand a word of that. Can you... I can translate it for you. I was going to subtitle it. Hello, Dan. Do you like meat? You want chili garlic? Chili garlic, my friend.

No salsa sauce. No salsa sauce. Let's have party. That is your fucking profile. It's your dab, bro. So, I've heard you've been trying to what, my son? Let's have party. That is your fucking profile. It's your damn, bro. So, I've heard you've been trying to what, my son? Steal my son. Right.

And he wants to fight. He said, if you come to Turkey next year, we can settle this like real men. By the way, Bodrum are now in the Super League. So, Bodrum are playing against Mourinho next year. We're going. True. I want to go to Turkey next year.

Okay. To twat Finn's dad. I want to fight to the death with you. I'm done. Fucking yes next year. Okay. To twat Finn's dad. I'm going to fight to the death with you. I'm going to stand. Fucking yes, mate. What's his name again? Memo. Don't forget.

He's Memo. That was take... Give me it. That was take 24 of that. How bad was it? How bad was the first 23? There's bloopers. You just kept going on about meat for the first 23.

No salad sauce. No, Dan. He doesn't want a kebab salad sauce it's the way he goes eh eh dad I believe you'll try to take my son chili garlic

oh fuck no I have very specific oh fuck I have very specific set of skills it's like

Mohammed Mohammed Jihad salad sauce ah chili chili garlic tahini So yeah you've got a scrap waiting for you I'm going to bang your dick out mate He'll punch your head in by the way Shut up mate

I'm not a fish I'll just keep him off the patio I'll coach you for it I'm telling you right now He fears movement That's when he starts swinging don't bob that fish is moving too much

bob and weave more weave than bob by the way the look he's given you there is you happy now fucking bitch boy so I cropped that he goes are you happy I think that was staged.

He's no John Fury. How do you peel your thing on your cuff? I'm a Turkish man. I'm a Turkish man. Chili garlic, my friend. John Fury working at a commercial just racism at one point isn't it

it's alright I'm saying it's ok so keep going right Dan you've been called out he's our Bobby Lee we just get away with it you've been called out Dan

what's your reply what's your repost I'll see you in Turkey bitch look right down the camera and threaten the man you big fucking Turkish bastard. You know what?

That didn't feel right, as I said, you big Turkish bastard. Didn't you get warned for that by the Traveller community? What? Didn't the Traveller community threaten you? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got a brick through my window. No, didn't that happen? What?

Did I imagine that? Yeah, someone went someone went hey you probably stopped doing that and so i went yeah yeah cool and they did it on stage live about eight times what are you putting the honey for i was saying we've got an irish guest coming on it's good oh she's got a house yeah she's fine wow wow wow wow we are allies of the traveler community Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. We are allies of the Traveller community. No, you're not.

I said we, not you. How are you an ally to the Traveller community? Because I'm not honourable to them. Because you keep moving your wedding around. Do you want a little bit of this wedding? Thank you, Luke. It's good to be back. That, honestly, was maybe the best fucking return serve in five years, have a word.

And we haven't even got to the show. Looking at getting a racket ready. Your dad seems lovely. I do want to get to Bodrum, though, next year, because we went to Tenerife last year, and we didn't do it as a pod. I'd like to do Turkish. It could be even Fin Day that we stretch out for a week.

I get a lad's holiday and then justify it. It's work, babe. I've got to go and punch Finn's dad's head in. We could move the wedding day. It probably will be. It's beautiful. Seneca, you're a wonderful woman, but Mourinho's Fenebachi.

I play in Bodrum. I knew you'd understand. You can have all the green fucking chairs you want. I'll have yellow and blue chairs. Bodrum are green as well. Are they? Yeah. 5,000 capacity their stadium is. Right.

A bit unbelievable. Big bonus there. I'm into it. I want to go and do the... We'll book in Finn. The Finn heritage story. Finn day, yeah. We'll go and. Big bonus there. I'm into it. I want to go and do the Finn heritage story. Finn day, yeah. We'll go and see Baba and Anna. Baba and Anna. And then now I've got to fight your dad at some point.

Yeah. Great. Is he hard? He used to be a bodyguard. Not a bodyguard, a bouncer for a club. Oh, nice. I'm dead. A bodyguard for the club.

Leave my belt alone. It's coming through. No photos. What were you going to say then? But he is like 63 now, so he's getting on a bit. Speaking of football, we're going to see Taylor Swift on Saturday.

Obviously, this will be out. By the time this goes out, I get to wear my cowboy hat because that's one of their eras. I don't know whether you know this, Dan. When you go and see Taylor Swift, you're meant to dress up as one of their eras. Yep.

Right. So I'm dressing up as the country era. Shocker. Right. I don't know what the album's called, but I'm going with Lover. That's my favourite album. Could you check for me Taylor Swift's country album?

It's an early one, isn't it? I think it's called My Daddy and My Mummy Love Me So. Is that what it's called? It's called Taylor Swift. Fearless. Fearless. Fearless. You're going as fearless, Ian.

I'm going as lover, Ian. So is Seneca's friend, Jazz. And Seneca's going as middle ball. So should I be, like, fronting everyone because I'm fearless? What? You want to be nasty?

I'm scared of you. I'm the fearless, Ian. Just go with no pants. You can just try and shag everyone. I'm a lover. Just go naked from the waist down. Fearless. Get my go with no pants. You can just try and shag everyone. I'm a lover. Just go naked from the waist down. Fearless. Get my dick out in Anfield.

One of my favourite tweets I've ever seen, and I thought it was a joke at first. It's from a lad I know who's a season ticket holder. He put on Twitter yesterday, looking for a spare in the cop for Taylor Swift on Saturday, can swap for Thursday or Friday. I was like, that's really funny. He's like, lad, I'm not messing.

It's going to be a... I'm sorry. Where's the stage going to be? In front of the Anfield Road End? Yes. Right. But they're also selling tickets for the Anfield Road End that are behind the stage.

And that's how much people want to go. Tens of thousands of people stand outside the stadium to listen. People go to the outside and that's a party as well. They've told people they're not allowed to camp anywhere near from now until Saturday. They absolutely will. Jamie Webster's doing an entire album in the Sandham before the game is over. And what are the pubs? What are all the Liverpool matchday pubs going to be like?

Full of Swifties. Do you know who's... Norwegian. Do you know who's on before her? Paramore. on before her? Paramore. Zombie for her? Oh, yeah, Paramore. And apparently they don't play Misery Business no more,

but they have been in the UK. They do play in the UK, surely. Mark Nelson's wife and his daughter went to the one at, I think, is it Hamden Park? How did they get to go? They went, yeah. Class. It's going to be like one of them, like...

We're basically going to see Michael Jackson. She's the Michael Jackson of 2024. Yeah, she is the... In terms of fame, I mean, actually, no, not compared.

It's famous, ridiculous, wasn't it? It's not fucking far off. It's not far off. No, but because there was no phones and shit back then. It was like people were like...

Yeah, but the fact that she's able to be this famous in the area where everyone's famous, I actually think she might be more famous. There was less famous people. Yeah.

There was less media outlets. There's only so much screen time. Yeah. He was so massive. And there's literally no one else like her. There was at least four other people like him. Got different though. And the Jackson 5.

Oh, nice. They're playing the peer ed. What? The Jackson 3 are playing the peer ed. Yeah, but there's no camping for four days. Who's the other woman? It's Latoya and... Janet.

Oh, you get more Spotify listens monthly than Latoya Jackson. Is Latoya Jackson... She wasn't in the five. No. That's a slam. She was a sub. No.

You get more monthly listens than Latoya Jackson. That's classic. Let's get up to Tito. I want to get up to Tito next. Has Tito got single music on his own? Yeah, I think so. Samuel L. Who were the other Jackson?

Samuel Tito. Nicholas. Who were the other Jackson? Samuel L. Jackson. He was one of them, wasn't he them I thought you'd be honest Samuel Jackson Nicholas Jackson I'm sorry miss

Jackson in the Jackson 5 Janet Jackson's got some fucking tits which is what happened in their career which? yeah whipping a nipple out of the Superbowl Jackson 5. Janet Jackson's got some fucking tits. So that ruined their career. Which? Yeah.

Whipping a nipple out of the Super Bowl. Timberlake, dude. That ruined their career. Literally tanked their career. Was it the Super Bowl? No. Yeah, it was. It was a half-time show. Oh, was it?

Yeah, she had like a moon piercing. It wasn't a piercing, was it? I thought it was an awards show. No. She is the one who missed the penalty in the goal, but I don't know. That's Diana Ross. No, Diana Ross.

She was one of the other Jackson 5s. There's Jackson 9. We're up to 9 at the moment. Have you heard about the Jackson 9? Diana Ross's penalty, by the way. They sound like terrorists, by the way. Phil Jackson. The coach of the Bulls. Diana Ross's penalty, one of the best moments of human history.

It isn't even close. Whoever had the button for the goal to explode must have just gone, fuck. She puts it like 20 yards wide and then goes,

yes. Oh, it's such a symbol of America, that. So perfect. Oh, by the way, I nearly punched a man

in lids. You know the hat shop that sounds like the names of our fans? I'm finally going to go to one. It's where I got these tops

they stock it Ebbetsfield Warrington's closed down it's moved to Nashville gorted Warrington's done I know you've only

been away a week they've closed Warrington I was in there like just like looking at the stuff for like to bring home and there was

like Sports Central or whatever fucking American sports channel was on and they get talking about soccer there like just like looking at the stuff for like to bring home and there was a like sports center or whatever fucking american sports channel was on and they get talking about soccer and they're talking about like international football and i don't know whether he was canadian or american but one of those teams is about to play france i think right and he was like yeah no i actually fancy our chances man against france you know m know, Mbappé, he just left for Spain. I think we got a shot. But also, 20 seconds before that, he'd been talking about how his European friends

think he knows nothing about football because he's American. And he wasn't messing. If he was messing, that would have been fucking class. But he was being 100%... Mbappé, they just lost that guy to Spain. You think Spain have signed him? He's gone on a free transfer. Wow.

Yeah. The Cricket World Cup is in America at the moment. America beat Pakistan the other day. They did, didn't they? It's a major upset. I would be as well. I'd be gutted if I was Pakistani

about the cricket. What am I trying to do to myself today? All over the world. Just wake up, Lee. You were late. I'm having a bit of a ropey week this week. Oh, yeah. He was trying to put it into the wall,

did they? Was you? Yeah, it's fucking Ishan, isn't it? Celebrity beefs. Irrational celebrity beefs. Joel Vickers

says, mine is Greg Wallace. My mum used to watch MasterChef when I was younger and

every time I saw his cunty bald head on the TV, even at the age of 12, I wanted to

fill him in. Why does he think he's better than everyone? Her sponge cake looked good and you've just fisted her

for how sweet the icing is, prick. I don't know. Who's Greg? From MasterChef. The bald guy who hates his kids. He hates his autistic son. You get tagged as all the time.

He hates his kids. He hates his autistic son. Does he? He hates spending time with him. He said in his day, he like takes time off to see his son, but like puts it in like a calendar

and he's like, oh, I've got to go and see my son for an hour. But then after that, he's like, go and play golf for to go and see my son for an hour. But then after that, he's like, go and play golf for four hours. When did he say that in MasterChef? It was in a... Oh.

He did like a day in the life of Greg Wallace. And he was really... He was like, go and see my son at one. And everyone was like, what? He got in the neck. Lou Robinson says,

I hate Mr. Tumble. Sorry, just one sec. Greg Wallace is upset that he's got an autistic son. He's the most autistic man I've ever seen in my life. Oh, not enough sugar in that pie for that. He's a gobshite. Oh, you ate him as well.

There's not enough sugar in that pie. Oh, I understand that beef. You can give it him. What? I understand the beef with Greg Wallace. Yeah. And he's just sniffing people's scum going oh I don't think you've used

enough cayenne pepper and onion powder in this yoghurt, not for me yoghurt again it's the yoghurt episode there's not enough cayenne pepper in this pie fuck off this meat and potato pie has no sugar in it

and there's no cayenne pepper in this yoghurt. It's sugar in potatoes, then, starch. Is there? Natural sugars. Natural sugars? In potatoes, yeah. But you hear this, he's saying there's not enough sugar. Yeah.

Yeah? Have I never told you the story about one of my ex-girlfriends? Yeah, you've told us. She didn't eat sugar for a week. And then was eating? Well, she went, I went on a whole week without having any sugar. And I was like, did you? Not bad. I was like, what did you sugar for the week. And then was it in? Well, she went, I went on a whole week without having any sugar. And I was like, did you? I was like, what did you eat for the week?

She was like, well, I made a vegan cottage pie. And I went, well, there's sugar in potatoes. And she was like, there's no potatoes in it. So, right, well, then the pastry, there'll be sugar in the pastry. She was like, didn't have any pastry in it. And I was like, so how the fuck was this a cottage pie? She's like, well, I just... What was actually in this thing? I was like,

was it just like the mincemeat and the gravy and the veg? And she was like, well, it was vegan, so there was no mincemeat in it either. So she had carrots and gravy. I was like, me vegan cottage pie. It's natural sugars in carrots. It isn't. Greg Wallace. I bet there is. No. 100%. There's no natural sugars in carrots. There't Greg Wallace I bet there is 100%

there's no natural sugars and carrots there probably is there's carbohydrate in it shut up see you in Tuscany Sam Nelson says

I'm bored of Mr Tummel I don't want to do it Sam Nelson says I've had a rational beef with Jude Bellingham that it's completely not his fault whilst I know he seems

like an incredibly sound bloke and at 20 years old he's got the world at his feet could easily be anything. But however, a 27-year-old girl who I work with and her boyfriend

have named their baby Jude after him, including when first posting that they'd had the child, including a photo of Jude in the post. For this, he just does my head in. Put the baby in the post. Sam, this is nothing to do with Jude Bellingham. No, your mates are just gobshites

are they from Birmingham I don't know if they're from Birmingham then it's okay where's he from Stourbridge people are hating on Jude aren't they

because they're saying he's like a big PR machine but he's classed out yeah he's great he's talented and good in front of the camera I've got all beef against him but because he's

he's 20 and he's he's clearly media trained which they need to be at this point especially being him but he doesn't come across as media trained I think that's 20 and he's clearly media trained, which they need to be at this point, especially being him. But he doesn't come across as media trained. I think that's how good he's been, media trained. No, it isn't. I don't believe that, but that's a big opinion.

The PR thing is what Beckham does. And he doesn't do any of that, it seems like. I've not seen any of that. But, the thing is, people come across as media trained. It's like they're doing constantly fake answers

and he doesn't come across like that at all. People are confusing media trained for being good in front of the media. Yeah, I think that's what's happening. There's like a weird bias with you, Bellingham, as a Liverpool fan. It's like, we think he's ours for some reason. You're nice, you should do it.

I don't know what it is. He's on loan. I wish him well. I don't know why. Because in your head, you nearly had him. Yeah, it's a weird thing. Also, I wish him well. I don't know why. Because in your head, you nearly had him. Yeah, it's a weird thing. Also, I wish him well because he's a 20-year-old kid. Literally at the world at his feet.

Let him have it. But I hear old footballers, like retired footballers, saying he's all about football, doesn't fuck around. There's no jury and, like, he's just a, he's all about football. I don't know where the PR. When he gets asked questions in interviews, he answers them really candidly. And honestly, he's not going like, you know, it's all about football. I don't know whether the PR... When he gets asked questions in interviews, he answers them really candidly.

And honestly, he's not going like, you know, it's all about the three points. He's not doing the media train bollocks. He's actually answering stuff. He did say, you know, when people tell you you can't do things, when he made his professional debut at 16, Salva Dortmund at 17,

then Madrid at 19. But everywhere he's gone, to be fair, people have gone, will he do it? He's an incredible footballer. But people, I think people are just getting a bit like, oh, fuck you. You've had everything. I think it's a bit of jealousy. No, it's just the British way an incredible footballer but people I think people are just getting a bit like oh fuck you you've had everything I think it's a bit

of jealousy it's just the British way isn't it you build the people up and then when they're at the top you bring them back down it's just the British way

he's not going to have to deal with it much because he's in Madrid and they fucking love him until he don't I think they always will yeah he's not doing he's ingratiated himself

hasn't he he speaks fluent Spanish as well he's their new cruise isn't he he's unbelievable they're just constantly Spanish as well. He's their new cruise, isn't he? He is unbelievable. They're just constantly going to love him. Christopher says,

when I was a kid, I fucking hated Hugh Grant. No idea why. I remember when I was about nine or 10, I drew a picture of him and asked my dad to sellotape it to a firework on bonfire night. I respect that. Fucking hell, mate.

I'm going to do that with my enemies this year. How many fireworks you laughing? At the splay. Three. You'll need a big firework for one of them. Hugh Grant. Hugh Grant just an unapologetic shagger back in the day. Why not?

Yeah. Sort of. If you do a good job, why would you say sorry? That was great. I'm not saying sorry for that. Shouldn't I come? Did he say sorry for the time he got caught soliciting a prostitute?

Why does he have to apologise for that? If he wanted it, she was consenting, she paid. Well, the issue is it's against the law. It's against the law because that's the main issue. That's the powers that be. You don't want men with money to get pussy, mate. That's what it is. It's against the law for him.

He's going to jail. Yeah. That's what it is. That's what it is. It's against the law for him. Yeah. He's going to jail. Yeah. He had a mug shot. The face of every famous prostitute is a crime. And it's a crime. It's a crime. It's a crime.

Is it a crime to pay this woman who's addicted to crack for sex on the streets of Malibu? Oh, take me away. Not all prostitutes are addicted to drugs. This is a common misconception.

Some of them do it for the love of the game. Especially not now. Some of them just love cock. Yeah. Thanks for that. And there's nothing wrong with that. Are you a big ally of sex workers now?

I've got nothing against them. I'm a big ally of sex workers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I am. Cool. Yeah. Why should men be able to use their muscles to build houses,

but women can't use their pussies to make money? Put it on a T-shirt. Merchant coming. We're all using our bodies. I did buy my house. I went into the mortgage broker and went, look at these, mate.

Well, it's like, well, five grand off. Jake says, a woman's pussy is just a man's calloused hands. I didn't need that imagery. If she wanted to be. Haven't worked a day in your life,

Hugh, have you? Trying to get off the tools. They all feel their pussy. She hasn't worked a today in her life. Bartender me. Hugh! Right, can we just make a judgement on Hugh Grant? No, he's in Nothing You Want.

I like him. And he's in Love Actually and he's sick. Right, all right. Jude Bellingham. We're not giving Jude Bellingham either. No, not Jude Bellingham either. He's smashing it. Jake says,

All right, you bunch of modern men. One celebrity that I absolutely despise is Dermot O'Leary. From what I've heard, he's meant to be a lovely bloke, but I can't stand him. His awkward movements and the way he moves his fucking hands. I don't know if it's just me that thinks this, or if there are others. He's got trainees sold onto

his feet. Do you know what he does? He does the Edinburgh Fringe Hello to everyone. Hey, mate! You know, he does that to everyone. He does that to his mum. Hello, mum! Come here, love! How are we? You okay? hey mate he does that to everyone he was ma hello mum come here love how are we

you okay he does that to everyone why have you got trainees on with a suit son you've let me down so he does that as well oh is it white trainers

white trainees with suits right I liked Dermot O'Leary he was a positive role model for me growing up because there's not many people with my hair on TV and he's got my head

rigid yeah looks strong he's a my head. Rigid. Yeah. He's strong. He's a shit Patrick Kilty in my opinion. Can I throw a... Oh, you don't like Patrick Kilty? No.

Why? I know he's a comedian so we don't really do that. He was an excellent comedian in his head. Yeah. Never enjoyed... Oh, well.

Never enjoyed it that much. He's a good goalie. Is he? He was in Soccer Aid every year. Yeah. Apparently in the 90s early 90s he was unbelievable

in Belfast do you know what soccer aid did today no it's Puno no Stephen Bartlett scored twice

but like his first goal is a fucking finish you know yeah did you see KSI kicking off about it no I'm saying it's

his one should be bigger. No, he was like, it's boring with all the pros just passing it to each other. They should give the influencers more minutes. Everyone would like it better. I've been to Socrates twice. The first time to see Zidane and the second time to see Ronaldinho.

I wasn't going to watch fucking KSI. The rest of the world had Del Piero on one wing and fucking Hazard on the other. Yeah, that's why you're buying the ticket. No one gives a fuck about Theo Baker playing left back. If you're going for the pros, they've got their own game, the Sidemen,

with all the implementers as well. And it does just as well. Yeah. They sell out massive stadiums. Like, I think having the pros involved is class. One more. Aaron, what are we saying on Dermot O'Leary? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

His shoes. Last one, Aaron. I have beef with Amanda Holden. Yes. If you can call her a celebrity. Breaking Les Dennis' heart. She prances around with I have beef with Amanda Holden. Yes. If you can call her a celebrity. She prances around with those stiff nips and...

Aaron, chill out on the nips, bro. And post half-naked pictures on Instagram and she hasn't even got a leaked sex tape. Aaron, this sounds like it's... He sounds horrible. I hate it because I haven't seen her have sex. I mean, she's, you know, she's just starting to go out to pussy house doing my head in.

She won't even suck me off. Just as for Les Dennis though, I think we've got to put her in the pit. No, we can't put her in for this reason. I've got legit beef with her, I think. I went to watch the Britain's Got Talent auditions when I was in uni. You know, I went to watch all the TV shows

and she took your eye out with a stiff nip she had there was a comedian it wasn't even a comedian it was a comedian off stage doing a puppet it was like a animatronic puppet it roasted her and she actually got really pissed off at it and stormed off but it wasn't it wasn't like fake they had to stop the auditions for a bit because she got annoyed uh a puppet bird roasting her but it wasn't like fake. They had to stop the auditions for a bit because she got annoyed. A puppet bird roasting her. But it wasn't on stage. What? The puppet wasn't on stage.

The puppet was on stage. The comedian was off stage. The voice wasn't... It wasn't a ventriloquist. It was like an animatronic bird. And what did the puppet say? Can't remember. It was something about her singing. She can't sing?

Exactly. But she was a singer, wasn't she? Was she? Put it in. That's how she first got famous, was singing. I'll put it in, but we've also got to put in whoever this creepy guy is. He's going in with her, yeah? He's just a rapper.

No, not with her, actually. No, separate ones. You're in whatever this is we're putting you in. You're on your own. Talking about nips. Les Dennis is currently performing in the 12th night at Shakespeare North in Prescott

if anyone wants to go and see him apparently it's class Sean's doing that isn't he soon is he doing 12th night is he paging for that no he's just a good friend

he's just a dead sound can we get him on yeah I'd love to get Les Dennis on look at his face behind you on top shelf I think that would be quite funny

if we brought something in and just seen if he noticed. That's not my bin lad. That's Shug Knight. Let's have a break. How far away are you? I know. Ladies and gents.

Sounds like a beatbox. Diona Docter's here! Is it Diona? Yeah. I was actually going to say before we started just tell you how to pronounce my name

because people say it wrong but you didn't so congratulations This guy Is it Doherty or Doherty? It's It's Doherty Doherty?

But that isn't actually right I am saying my name wrong It's I think it is I think it's Doherty Doherty yeah I think it's Doherty but I'm from Derry so we say Doherty like Doherty, yeah. I think it's Doherty, but I'm from Derry,

so we say Doherty. Like Doherty. Yeah. But then I moved to Belfast. Like Dirty. Like Dirty. Doherty. Diona Dirty.

Diona Dirty. Yeah, she is. Diona Dirty's here. I moved to Belfast, people were like, Dirty Diona. Like that's because obviously you do the song Dirty Diana.

Yeah. Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson. Rest in peace. The original Taylor Swift. Yeah. That's what we've been saying So it is It is Deanna

Well people say it wrong All the time It's fine It's fine But you're not asked What you say name That you just want The first one

I prefer the first one I said right Because I'm not sure How to say the second one anyway So if you get it wrong Did your parents Not know how to say it It's just everyone

Everyone in the north Slash Northern Ireland Slash the six counties Slash whatever you want to call it. Are all, everyone says it differently, depending on what region you're from. Derry, we say Dorday. Dorday's right. We'll go with Dorday.

Is Diorna a real name? It is. It's mine. No, no. I own that one. But is it a real name? No, it's not. So it's just me and a few Asians.

The Derry Asians? 100%. My mum and dad made my name up. My dad's called D. So it's just me and a few Asians. The Derry Asians? 100%. My man and I made my name up. My dad's called D, my mum's called Donna. And they put it together. I knew it wasn't real. Diona. But if you type it on your Facebook, it's just me

and then my old Facebook that I don't know the password to. And then some Asian people. That's all there is. How did you know it wasn't real? Because there's loads of names that aren't real like that. His name isn't real, is it? Finn? No, Cullivers

Finn's a real name No, his second name They got it wrong on the papers And they just went with it Oh, right That's true Yeah, but also first names are open to Your mum and dad just fucking around

Yeah, totally But like, Diona's not a common name It's Fiona, isn't it? Aye It sounds class though Which is weird because When it's written down It's just Fiona with a D

Yeah But everyone A lot of people are like it's written down, it's just Fiona with a D. But everyone, a lot of people are like, Diana, Donna. It's not that. If you look at it, it's just Fiona with a D. At gigs, do you have to go, hey, this is my name, so. Yes. Because you've got the whole D and a hottie.

I do try and, because I tell a bit about. The hottie. I skimmed over that because I tell a bit about The hottie The hottie I skimmed over that Because I'm a mild one But I did think He called me a hottie There as well I was like

Fuck me We're two minutes in I'm a bit flirty I did hear hottie There too I'm fucking scared Married a man And a married woman

You're a bit of a hottie Aren't you But I used to work In this nightclub In Belfast And do you remember Geordie Shore You obviously know Vicky

But Gaz from Geordie Shore came in to do a personal appearance. I was like 18. And my manager, I worked at the front door, just like taking the money. Not taking it. Like there was people paid to get in. And I held the money and put it in the till. Skimmed a little.

Yeah. Well, obviously. Belfast. And Gaz came in. My manager went, this is Diona. And obviously, he's Geordie. And his response to my manager going, this is Diona and obviously he's Geordie and his response to my manager going

this is Diona was Diona? How come you're sitting down in a tracksuit in a Diona? This is Diona. This is Diona. This is Diona.

The 19 full like juicy couture tracksuit at the front door. This is Diona. On you go love. Yeah. So people do get my name wrong all the time

well don't it is do you wanna so you were in a juicy tracksuit taking money yeah taking money and sucking dick

at the door yeah that's where we did it wow the money or the both you didn't have to get upstairs to get your de-essed what nightclub is this

where's this pardon what nightclub is this? Where's this? Pardon? What nightclub is this? It doesn't exist anymore They closed it down because of the allegations Yeah, yeah, yeah They shut it down It was whenever I was a student

When you do all those shit shows What did you study? Fucking drama Okay Yeah, but now you are an actress and comedian, so I know, but Like, not because I study drama like no like when you study drama it's so like wanky i did one i did one drama class once what was it like well i was

hanging out with these uh girls and they were like you should come and do our drama school because they're gonna close it if boys don't join so i went and um my natural instinct as the 12 year old boy that i was was to play it very camp and really gay and uh the teacher was like you're the best actor i've ever seen there we go to my house was this teacher a man or a woman a woman i think she wants to fuck me as well she's like a gay 12 year old came in i get you i went to uni to do drama yeah and i left after one lesson because i couldn't cope with the fucking holding hands and talking about our feelings and all that shit yeah i can't my my first day do you know what we had to do are you sure you're just sensitive there's a guy from cory that was teaching us

who hey some guy from cory go on i can't remember his name it wasn't

les he i think he'd only been in it a bit but that was he was laying he came in and

he was like yeah i've been in cory guys that was impressive yeah pretty much somebody came into us one

time who taught us who had an audition for hollyoaks but didn't get it and i was like wow

teach me the ways but I my first proper lesson in drama I did it at Queen's University as well so it's not a

vocational course it's not like proper acting it's theory mostly but this one day we were allowed to get on our feet at the very beginning

of the course we had to be a bag of sand so that was and you were supposed to learn i don't know what acting skills you're supposed to do i nailed that by the way you'd have nailed it my ex all right 100 pounds you'd be a bag of sand and just and and become less of a bag of sand gradually like let some like you slid a wee hole in the bottom let the sand ooze out can you be a bag of sand gradually like let some like a sluttery hole in the bottom let the sand ooze out can you beat a bag of sand on a rug I can do it over

a course of about an hour that's too long because it's lazy that's how long it'll take for my sand to empty and that's what you had to do for ages and I was like

this shit is it not to break is that not to break you down no it's not like be scared and embarrassed that's not because you're going to get a job she was trying to learn

how to act not being insane against it for murder no but it is it's the breach of ego down in it and I'll be like oh I can't do that

if you can be a bag of sand you can be someone in God I've never there are no ones that's the problem in it you're in there with 20 young people

and none of them have got a problem with doing it no one needs to be broken down oh no I'd get off that'd be normal. I'd love to do a patron special

putting you in a drama class. That would be unbelievable. I genuinely think that's a cracking idea. Carl, oh, it'd be so painful. Just be normal. With a real loving... It's so wanky. I'm a firm believer of just say the fucking lines.

Yes. Just say the lines. Fuck off Stanislavski and all that shite. Yes. You see? All that shite. He's You see? All that shite. He's like a, he's a,

what do you call the word? Practitioner is it? Fuck, did you do one day in drama? I did, I did A level in that as well. Oh right, look who comes out now.

I did one day in drama after the two years that I'd already done. And the GCSE as well. I teach it on a Friday night but whatever. Stanislavski was all about reality

wasn't he he wanted it to be real he wanted to feel it Daniel Day-Lewis and all that I did theatre studies at A-Level we just played 40 in the track to pay

as I never said what for A-Level yeah yeah essentially that's right it took us three years and then there was the one Antoine Artaud

the pain one yeah the state of destruction or something? Something like that. I don't know. I didn't listen. Can you give us one example?

Can you pretend that you've stubbed your toe on the table? Oh. Did you believe that? I believe that you... You shouldn't, because I was pretending. That's acting. Lesson number one. My vagina.

Why do you hate me? No. I had an audition one time as well. There's a while out of wanky? No I I had an audition one time as well so I'm like there's a while out of wanky auditions I've had and it was for a theatre thing and you had to

just do a monologue which in itself is fucking so wanky just to do a monologue it's the stupidest thing ever nobody's going to talk for that long

except for me right now and I had to do the monologue and then afterwards the girl was all to me do it again but every line has a different childhood memory attached to it

and you can smell the thing or see the thing or feel the thing so I'm like doing this random monologue just being like, so me and my friend were walking down the street I could somehow and then we saw our neighbour

and just going through Every line Had to have a different emotion A different smell A different feel And it was like I was having a schizophrenic attack And I did not get the part Even though I did everything

She told me to Except I'm not sure Be good It was Pardon Except be good Except be good

Yeah yeah yeah Yeah but that's the thing They're going Do this thing We want it specific They're fucking you up To then be like Nah that wasn't great.

I just tell them to fuck off, though. They love that. They love that. Whoa, this little gay 12-year-old is confident. She wants to fuck me anyway. By the way, she tried to sign me up, but me mum said no, because it was like £70 a month.

She can't afford it. Oh, see that? Sunday leave. She did want to fuck you, because that or just fuck you over, because you shouldn't pay anybody. What were you paying her for? The lessons.

Oh, sorry. I thought she was an agent trying to get you to give her money. No, she wasn't an agent. No, I was a gay 12. You could have auditioned for Billy Elliot. I could have, yeah. I would have been a bad caster.

No, I was a chunky boy. I went to like two or three lessons for free and then she was like, right, we want you full time you could go to the very top and I was like class yeah great sign me up and she was like so it's about 70 quid a month and I just looked at her and I was like my ma is going to tell you

to swivel and I took her home and I was like mum you sign me up for this she was like how much it was like 70 a month and she just burst out laughing she was like absolutely fucking not now she was like we have the money it's just your shit you could have been fucking Morgan Freeman or something no

you'd have been massive who played Billy Elliot famously I've watched that remake by the way he's that you're not gonna dance mate

you're gonna go work down the mine ah Billy Elliot I know him your dad I don't know why Morgan Freeman's getting so much love recently on this podcast I'm Billy Elliot. I know him, your dad. I don't know why Morgan Freeman's getting so much love recently on this podcast.

Absolutely. So how long have you been in Belfast? And then you started gigging in Belfast. Yeah, I only started gigging. So did you pay off acting or did you do both? We need to let him have his Morgan Freeman moment. What's that shit film ah I'm Billy Elliot

ah I am Billy Elliot so like was it Boba Shrimp or who's that guy he's autistic sugar guy from Boba

Ed Milne Forrest Gump Forrest Gump 8 Mile no Forrest Gump that's what you like 8 Mile you thought Forrest Gump

was 8 Mile I meant to say the Green Mile as well No, Forrest Gump. I've never seen that one. Eight mile? You thought Forrest Gump was eight mile? I meant to say the Green Mile as well. I don't even mean it. Eight mile. What the fuck you call it? Papa Doc. Yeah. So did you do a bit of acting

and then start stand-up as well? Well, people normally do it the other way around. People normally start stand-up and move into comedy acting, but I did acting first and then... I don't know about that, you know.

Do you not? There's loads, over in England and stuff, there's a lot of comics who only started because they wanted to get more acting work. There were actors

who were like, if I get into stand-up, I can do a bit of that, make a bit of money doing club gigs and then people will discover me through that for acting and stuff.

John Lynn said it last week. He literally, what he did. Brennan? Yeah. Brennan Rees. They're always very confident, good-looking fuckers. Distrusted by the real gremlin comics.

Who you are. Oh, the ones you're like. The ones you can tell have got that acting experience. They always start very confident, don't they? Yeah, they can perform their shit stuff. Yeah, tits and teeth straight off. Yeah. What's your favourite role you've ever done

ever had what's my favourite role that I've ever played yeah mum two my children

oh that's not that's not role play you are a mum I bet only when they're there um I just did we were talking about

I just did a play that I'd written in the Lyric Theatre in Belfast which is like the our like national theatre sort of thing called Sonny Set Up

that I'd written it was about my experience of doing IVF to have my kids it was like a dark comedy and I fucking loved that it felt like a labour of love

like a real like it's a one woman show as well so I just I really loved doing that but probably the one that people ask me most about is Dairy Girls.

I wanted you to say that. Did you want me to say that? I wasn't going to give a tea. No, you didn't. That made you wait. Love Dairy Girls. My aunt, two years ago,

tried for kids for ages and then was going to go down the IVF route. Yeah. And I think she actually did do it a couple of times and it didn't work. And they were paying

for it as well. And the third one was like the last one they could afford. And the day, she for it as well and the third one was like the last one they could afford and the day she'd felt awful as well like she thought there was something wrong

with her wombs or her ovaries and stuff No it's Senga there's no one womb That was the problem That was the problem Too many wombs They had nowhere to put it

they were just like opening up and she was worried that she might have like something bad going on. And they went in for the third round

and the stuff she'd been feeling, she was actually, she just got naturally pregnant out of nowhere. That happens all the time. Yeah. It's as if like people,

people do loads of rounds of IVF, they don't get pregnant and then they get pregnant naturally and it's like their body's just going, ah, I was only messing.

It's like when you used to restart your PlayStation and pretend you didn't care about it, and then it'd work. Oh, it's on. Oh, it's not going to work. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What a mad analogy that works. It's offensive to women who struggle to have children. FIFA wasn't working for eight years. I've been through your struggle. Why not just stop giving a shit? Did you conceive through IVF?

Through IVF. Both my kids are through IVF, yeah. With you both? They're like wee robots. With you both first time? No. They're not.

Honestly, right? Both my kids are like highly intelligent. Both started walking really, really early and I think someday something's gonna come out. Just like,

what are they doing to these wee fuckers in the lab? I don't know. Do you know what I mean? We don't know. Also, I don't even know

if they're mine. They could be flinging anything in there. You don't know. I'm not DNA testing them. I own them now. Don't they use your eggs though? That's what they say.

Who's vetting that? I'm not. I can't go in and go, yeah, that looks like my egg. Hang on. That one's mine. Yeah, that's mine, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That one's got a dairy axe and that one's mine. Yeah, that's mine, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That one's got a dairy axe and that one's mine. Are they both white? Both my children. Yeah. For now. And then they say they can be whatever they want to be.

They can identify as any race they want. That's a good start. I'm raising them white, but it's whatever they want to do. That's a point of principle. What age do they start walking then? What's early? Well they both started walking at 10 months

Which is really early You know what I mean? And they looked really weird as well Because they were like one minute just like On the boob and then the next minute Did they just stand up? Or were they like Well they'd crawl first for a while and then

That's what I'm saying Yeah if they just got up You're like mum Have you seen children before? No, I was one, but I don't remember. Yeah. Yeah, if they start talking at the same time

and they've got such sentience immediately, they just go, and they start like, oh, fuck me. I'm off for a shite. It's like that Kellogg's ad. You know, they just start going and then all of a sudden they're up

and they come off. But my daughter... Where are 10-month-old's walking to, though? Where are they going? The kitchen, the fridge. Into a fucking wall. Where do you think they were going?

Up on the stairs. They shouldn't go up. Why are they walking? Going to the chippy, Mum. Starving. No, seriously, that's the thing. Going with that milk shite. What did you just say?

Why do kids start walking? They haven't even got a job. Where are they walking to? No, seriously. And also, they do walk like they are going somewhere they walk with such purpose fast

and like they'll lift like a coaster and they'll be like I've got to go put this coaster in the other room and they'll walk with such vengeance like I've got to put I've got to

if you're in the road like out of my fucking road I've got to put this coaster on the sofa in the other room and then they'll go into the other room and lift a stone and be like I've got to leave this outside

fuck off and they just walk with such purpose all the time which is why they constantly fall into things. I was just saying there, I came back on Monday with my kids from Majorca. And the youngest one, obviously, he's just turned one last week whilst we were on holidays.

And because he's walking, he's such a hazard. And he's just slipping all the time and banging into things. And you spend your whole holiday just crouched down one inch behind him, just like making sure he doesn't die. And that's not a holiday for anybody. To be fair, I'm 25 and i've just done that as well his face he can't walk what did you i just did that on holiday he hasn't been walking for a couple of months though he literally just fell over like a child did you forget your wheelchair

yeah no your natural mistrust for that lab though I share that 100% Yeah Like I think it's so mad That we trust like Everyone for everything You know Like absolutely everything

I don't trust anything Like even like I don't That's a good default Was it NHS as well No I paid for mine Ah right Because with the NHS

It'd be like the FA Cup draw Yeah They're just picking out And sticking to me Rod Stewart's doing it Yeah Where are babies getting swapped loads in the 80s? There's another thing.

Well, in Belfast, there's lawsuits against a fertility clinic in Belfast when these, like, pure white couples were having these Asian babies. Called Diona. Called Diona. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It happened to, like, three different couples

and they were like, wait a minute. Somebody's been anguishing in the wrong cup. You know what I mean. Yeah. That's the press release by the doctor. Somebody jizzed in the wrong cup. We didn't label the cup. Nobody here used to be swapping babies loads.

It was like a big ward. Because all it is is a tag, isn't it? But do you mean like a parent would want to pick theirs up and go, oh, mine is a wee stinker. That one looks nicer. I'll have that one. No, the nurse would be like, oh, shit. And then they'd accidentally mix them up. Yeah.

That happens. Would have happened loads, wouldn't it? Yeah. But I think there was cases of it being done on purpose. Oh, wow. That's sad, isn't it? Well, for like a laugh. Just to be a fucker, isn't it? Mischievous. Yeah. That's a bit... It doesn't matter though, does it? Just an angry midwife. You came in to get a baby. You got a baby?

I think it matters to the baby why when he grows up why I think people care about who their biological parents are I genuinely would not see if somebody

said to me now that they're not actually technically yours I couldn't give a flying fuck same do you know what

I also couldn't care about see if somebody said see if my man and I rang me now and went you're adopted I'd be like alright wouldn't bother me either exactly the same don't care that wouldn't bother me adoption I'd be like, alright. Wouldn't bother me either. It'd be exactly the same. Don't care.

It wouldn't bother me adoption. I'd be like, cool, you're still sound, aren't you? I don't know who my dad is. It seems similar, innit? I don't know who he is. Absolutely. Like, that's a totally different thing, but it doesn't matter if you get your baby swapped. As long as you get one that looks vaguely like it could be yours, who gives a fuck? But if you've got, like, if you get to, like,

16 and they're absolutely fucking feral and then someone goes, hey, we've just looked at the paperwork, this isn't even your kid, there would be some annoyance, wouldn't there? Yes. You'd be like, I know I didn't pass on that ADHD. You have that one back.

You have that one back. We'd just swap. If you found out the 16 you know was yours was sound, we'd just swap. Oh. Just meet them halfway. They're like a fucking

little chef why why would you not be a gutted if you found out you were adopted not a chance

I genuinely wouldn't bother me no I would be intrigued about who the person was and what the circumstances were that they had to

give me up that would be it I'd be like I'd like to find that out. Maybe there's content on that. That would be it. What's the one that Stacey Dooley's doing at the moment?

DNA. There's a wife that's really into it. There's just going around house parties. There's a Davina McCall one. People aren't using coasters. There's a Davina McCall one. There's a Davina McCall one. There's now a Stacey Dooley one

where they do your DNA and they find out who you are and then they do the awkward like, and we've got a letter from your dad and he's like, I've saved on Christmas presents. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they do the awkward like and we've got a letter from your dad and he's like I've saved on Christmas presents yeah yeah yeah

and then they introduce them I find it would you be bothered if you found out you were adopted well my mum's dead and I don't really

speak to my dad at the moment so you know I suppose it'd be interesting good news it would be yeah

it's a silver lining technically an orphan aren't you, right now? Well, not really. But it is a bit eggy. All of a sudden, there's like a dude who's like, yeah, I'm your dad. Well, that'll happen to me. And I am Danish,

and that's why you look like you fucking do. That could happen to me. Is your shit about not trusting the labs? Have you ever read that book? I haven't, but I've heard about it. Do you know the book Elephants on LSD? No. Sounds amazing.

It's like all these social experiments that were done and one of them is about how people respond to people wearing white lab coats and that you'll just be like,

yes, sir, no, sir, three bags full, sir, because you assume they're doctors and they'll tell, like, whatever they say. Same as anyone in a high vis at an event.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This way and you go that way. Show me some ID, prick. Yeah. The doctor. The doctor thing with the white coats. So they were like, they'd put people behind these screens, like actors, and then

they would bring people in and tell them they're part of the social experiment and that the people behind the screens had given Phil, like, a consent to, like, receive electric shocks. Oh, I've seen that. And then they had, so the doctor would go dial it up and give them more of a shock

and the actors behind the screen would be like, screaming like they were in pain. And they were told, now this amount of voltage, whatever, could kill the person and they have been,

all the paperwork's been signed, they're fine to be part of this experiment, it's going to change the world and blah, blah, blah. And there were some people that were willing to give deathly amount of voltage to people because a person in a white coat told them they won't go to jail after

and that the person said it was okay. Social compliance. Yeah, social compliance. Yeah. It's like all that shit Darren Brown does where he convinces people to jump off a wall. Darren Brown does that social compliance test. That's where you've seen it.

Yeah. I've seen him get a woman to kill a cat and she didn't kill the cat, but she tried to. She thought she killed the cat. What was this? Darren Brown did an episode woman to kill a cat. She didn't kill the cat, but she tried to. She thought she killed the cat. She wasn't good at it. What was this? Derren Brown did an episode trying to kill a cat. He put a woman in a room, and he literally,

there's obviously triggers in it, and he's doing this fucking Derren Brown Jesus shit. And he goes, right, 10 grand on the line, or whatever amount of money it is. And he goes, if you press that button, there's a cat in a box. He's goes, if you press that button, there's a cat in like a box. He's like, if you press that, there's a cat in this box

and it'll get electrocuted and it'll die the second you press that. All you have to do to win this 10 grand, don't kill the cat. Just don't kill the cat in the next 10 minutes. And with like three seconds. So it wasn't 10 grand to press that and kill the cat. It was 10 grand to just sit there for 10 minutes

and not press the button to kill the cat. And with about three seconds to go, she kills the cat. What made her do it? Because you feel like you're going to get more money. Him. He did it. And I love Darren Brown. I think he's very impressive, but I don't trust the cunts.

I think he's Jesus Christ reincarnated. And I think he came back here to teach us all a lesson. And we're not listening. About not killing cats. Do you want to hear something freaky about Darren Brown? I was at the Edinburgh Fringe a couple of years ago.

I was literally sitting on a piece of grass, right? Not one bit of grass, like a field. Reading. It's weird how it's stood on this blade. I was reading his book, Happy, which actually is a good book.

And he walked past. In my line of vision, whilst I'm reading that fucker good book, and he walked past. In my line of vision, whilst I'm reading that fucker's book, he can time travel. Did he have a show with Edinburgh? Maybe. I was like, David Vane, you look at my book signs. Did you say anything to him? No, I just shit myself, because I was like, that's so mental,

I'm reading his book right now. I'd have been like, Darren, did you do this, you sneaky little cunt, yeah? Why did you walk past him? I thought so. Yeah, I know, but imagine if he, like, I think he's somebody, if you look through photographs in history and you look at them really closely, he's probably just popping up all over the place.

But he's right, cats are shit. Cats are shit. Cats are shit. Oh, you'd have just done it fuck the 10 grand. I was just saying, I got rid of my cat recently. I had my cat for like 10 years. I re-homed it recently because I had my cat for like 10 years. I think I rehomed it recently because I'd realised I have hit the maximum of the amount of love I'm willing to give to anything.

And it wasn't in, I couldn't, I didn't. You don't need any more people, things that rely on you. Husband and children. I've got my husband, I've got my kids. I've got three stepchildren. I don't need anything else in my house. I had the cat before

I got kids and I used to like, it used to be like my child and then, it's awful the way it's like don't get a dog for Christmas or that sort of thing and then after having my kids

I was like, fuck it, I don't have time for that cat. He was too needy. Really? I thought cats weren't needy. No, this cat was needy. I was the cat.

I was like, fuck off. As my cats got older he's got more needy. Yeah. Because they know they're dying. Yeah. Mine had three legs as well so he was was needy. I was the cat. I was a fuck-off. As my cats got older, he's got more needy. Yeah. Because they know they're dying. Yeah. Mine had three legs as well, so he was extra needy.

What the fuck? No. You got rid of your three little cackers? It was a bit needy. No, because he was... Yeah. But I gave him dear love and home. How do you know?

You don't trust labs? Why do you trust these people taking your cats? They sent me photographs of him in a box, and I thought, he must love that box. He loves it, look. It's a woman at the other side of the door with a button.

Hang on, have you just done this online? Is this on like Gumtree or something? Or did you ring someone and be like, hey, I have my unloved

three-legged cat? My husband dealt with it because apparently you're not supposed to put online that you're looking to give away an animal because bad people

will take it. Yeah, okay. Do you know what I mean? What? My mum does that? And someone might tell the cat to place it online as well. So when my mum wants something taken the tip and she doesn't want to, she'll just put it in the front garden and someone will steal it. An animal? No, a washing machine.

Oh. She did it with a washing machine once. She went to call Bulky Bob. Bulky Bob. And she just put it in the front garden. It wasn't there the next day easy you sure bulky bob didn't come she didn't yeah we'll be there at 7am i went i was at half seven gone she did it with two different appliances that she didn't want to take to the tip and it just went bulky bob's class by the way what's that whoky Bob? Bulky Bob's this fat fella called Robert. And he owns a removals company, but he does it for free.

But then he sells it on. So, in fact, do you know our couch out there? Bulky Bob. The original orange sofa. Bought from the Bulky Bob storehouse. 20 quid. In the Netherlands. The Bulky Bob storehouse.

Yeah, bulky bob. Some leave. One sudden shift and bam. So they do house clearances, but they're like, cool, we'll get rid of it all, but we are selling everything. Yeah.

If it's good. And is he a big bulky boy or he left bulky stuff? It's a company. No, but it's... Oh, so he's not Bob. No, it's like... But I think originally it was just Bob.

And I imagine he's a fatty. So it works both ways it's good though if you want like a washing machine shift and bulky Bob will come and take it

for free and then he'll move out bathtub fridge yeah what a scavenger does he take

guinea pigs because he can have mine I might do that why would you ever buy a guinea pig

I know I didn't we went to Nashville and do you know he doesn't know the names of his pets Patch and Milo he does Did you ever buy a guinea pig? I know I didn't. We went to Nashville and... Do you know he doesn't know the names of his pets?

Patch and Milo. Hey, Jules. He does, because we made him feel bad about it. Yeah, we did. But you know, I went to my daughter, I was like, what are the names? And she went, er... So she doesn't give a shit either.

Yeah, yeah. It's abuse. Just release them into the wild. You live in Cheshire, they'll just run free. They'll be dead in seconds. I'll just leave them out. Bulky bog. Bulky bog? Put them down leave them out. Bulky bog. Bulky bog?

Put them down the bulky bog. Bulky bog. They'd never flush. Why would they be able to survive? Against a fox? No. Not in a fight. Don't put them in any death matches.

You know foxes live in the wild. Don't put it next to a fox. They definitely would not. That guinea pig got eaten by a fox. Well, he shouldn't have got in a death match with a fox. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A stupid guinea pig. He shouldn't have been mouthing off.

Just don't put it near any foxes. So release it into the wild, into an area outside that has no foxes. That's its fucking guinea pig hutch. Right, but there's wild guinea pigs, isn't there? No way. Where? Where?

South America! South America! Do you know what? I'm sick of these guinea pigs. They're causing me a fucking nightmare. I'm just going to go to Peru to release them, love. Trying to smuggle guinea pigs into Peru. Just take them to Delamere Forest and let them free.

Where there are no foxes. Where it's just guinea pigs running free. All we have to worry about is people falling off the Go Ape game. Game? Just flush them. It is a game. Don't flush them. They're too big.

You eat animals, don't you? No. If you say stuff like this, these all kick off a bit. Dan's the one who wants to shoot voles, and we were like, we don't like that. And I was like, oh, we're the baddest species. If I gave you a gun gun and it was a vole, do you know what a vole is?

No. It's like a little woodland creature. On your property. No, it doesn't matter. Threatening your kids. No. Let him have it. Let him have it.

A vole's threatening your kids. A racist vole. What way is he threatening them? You're doing this. No. A vole's at your window. Would you shoot an animal in the face? As big as a mouse.

It's tiny. It's tiny. No, I like animals. I just don't want to look after them. Dan wants to shoot them. You want to shoot them? Not really. It's just too much. But I mean, if a vole came looking for it and I had a gun, I'd think about it.

I've never heard of a vole. Is it like a mole? No. It's just a small woodland creature. You would never have come across one unless you were in the woods. Why is that in my house then? Delamere Forest with those wild guinea pigs. There's voles,

no foxes. Huge guinea pigs that have been allowed to evolve because they've got no predators. Don't put it in a death match. Put it on the beach. I know these. I literally know the instincts. I feel like there's too many dependents.

He's like, oh, let's get a dog. You should get a dog. The kids would love a dog. I can't have another thing who's like, feed me or I die. Yeah. My husband keeps banging on about wanting a dog. That is because he has so many dependents.

He has five kids and he's just like, I want but that is because he has so many dependents he has five kids and he's just like I want one that will finally listen to me that will like enjoy being around me that I can like

take outside and don't have to like have a conversation with doesn't make any conversation no just like an easy something that will love him but like not

require much but can't say daddy what a romantic yeah he's been raising silent get him a dog no why because he's got me no we don't need we don't need one in our house i will not still change your life yeah no no it won't it will i've got one they're lovely and you should get one as well and by the way releasing these fucking guinea pigs you've got

into the wild isn't that mental squirrel Squirrels exist, you know. Not just a squirrel car, because it's from all the fox blood bats. You mean lightning fast squirrels that can climb trees. Lightning fast squirrels? Squirrels are quick and they can climb trees.

Guinea pigs are small and are useless. No, they can dig. What? They can dig a little hole, can't they? Give them a job on a wakey side. All right, yeah. We had a hamster group, we had two hamsters whenever I was younger and they are, What? You could dig a little hole, can't you? Give them a job on a wakey side. We had a hamster grow up with two hamsters whenever I was younger

and they are slick wee bastards. We had a hamster. Do you know the female hamsters try and kill the men? Yeah. Right? The female hamsters cannot stand the guys, try and kill all the male hamsters. And our one used to know how to get her cage open.

She'd pop her cage only at night. Pop her cage, have a wee dander around our house and then put herself back in. We would find her walking around our house at night time and then she'd go back to her cage in the morning. Like I mean like a psychopath. You're out. Stay out. She'd go back in and then she killed the

boy. Broke his neck. Right, hang on. Just wait a minute. No, I neck. Right, hang on. Just wait a minute. Just somebody lies in the story. Right, okay. No, I swear. A Waldweyer. Are you sure someone wasn't letting this hamster

out at night? You've been lied to, you were six. It was in my brother's room. And it used to get out. Yeah, your brother was letting it out and your brother snapped the other hamster's neck. Yeah, he isn't joking. No, no, no, no.

That's what happens. I bet you that is what, I've always thought. No, your brother's. That's what happens. I bet you that is what... He used to open it and get back in. No, your buddy... We used to just find him walking down the house and then one day, found his mate, bullet holes in the back of his head. Shot him.

Famously, though, the women do kill the men. Yeah. They do. Famously. Yeah, the male, the female hamsters. Are you just finding out

what childhood lie? Yeah. I feel like I've just discovered my brother's fucking... I got told, like, lies about dead pets and stuff. That they went to the farm and all? So, my mum told me that my budgie flew away. And that it came back and left me a feather on the front doorstep.

When you were, like, 14, was that? That's quite nice. 16, when I found out. It's not lying. That's nice. And my rabbit did shit itself to death it's in the family yeah i uh i watched my rabbit die what did you hold his hand just how did you watch a day like what had happened to it oh me i had a dog and he got

out in the garden and chased it and gave it after oh that's If we're sharing, my guinea pig had a heart attack in my hands. Nigel. Dan. Dan, any dead animals? Except for the ones you've killed. Remember...

Watch the light leave a vole's face once. Me and my mate Pete found a squirrel that had been hit by a car and he was like... It's mad, Dad,

because they're normally light and quick. They're fast, but they're not faster than cars it's the car and we took it back we took it back

to Pete's house and we like gave it some water and tried to leave it for a while and then it was like coming round

and we got it up and it started walking in circles for a bit just thinking it's just I think it had major head trauma

it was just doing little spins and they go so you blew its head off. Best thing for it. I'd saved a bird that my cat was mauling before. No, like, because cats are, like, they'll eat anything. And it came in, it was coming to my hallway,

and the feathers were, like, coming off it in the hallway and it had it in its mouth. And me and my husband got the bird. It was, like, during lockdown, got the bird out the back, helped it, like, got it. I don't know if it was going to survive, but we got it and put husband got the bird it was like during lockdown got the bird out the back helped it like got it I don't know if it was going to survive

but we got it and put it into the field that was behind our house literally three months later my cat had a different bird in its mouth it was fucking pointless I should have let him

eat the first one and I just injured one and ate another Jeffrey Dahmer yeah yeah yeah just let him have them all my cousin had a cat when I was growing up

and the cat really liked me took a proper like it's been the first time I met it and the next morning I was staying growing up and the cat really liked me. It took a proper liking. It's been the first time I met it. And the next morning I was staying in his and the next morning I woke up with the cat like touching my face and about this far from my face on the bed,

it left a mouse skull. Oh. And I shit myself and like went to like throw up. I was like, it's traumatic thinking about it now. And our Danny was like, yeah, no, no, it just means it likes you. Yeah. traumatic thinking about it now. And our Danny was like, yeah, no, it just means it likes you. Brought you a present. I was like, I don't want it.

They bring rats and mice though, but he completely... That sounds like a threat. He devoured it and there was just a skull left. That is the equivalent of him bringing like a box of Derry milk, sucking all the chocolate off

and just leaving you the stones inside. All of the... Mouse's face, yeah. That's and just leaving you the stones inside all of the nut. Mouse's face, yeah. That's a threat, you know. Little skull there, mate. Do you know what that means as well? It's a present, but it also means it feels like you might not be able to fend for yourself, so it brought you something to help. Hi, little bitch. Here you go.

Yeah. Chew on that. A mouse skull. That'd be my thing. Do you still have the skull? Yeah. Wear it around your neck. So you're on tour? Yes. On tour. You've done some screeches today. I pressed it once.

Do you want me to press? Are you in the middle of a tour? Are you starting a tour? I've done most of the NI dates. And then this week I'm in Scotland. When's this out? Saturday and Monday. Oh, wow. week I'm in Scotland when's this out? Saturday and Monday oh aye

so I'm in top secret in London I think the second or third of July and then I'm in hot water here on the second or third

I don't know which of those two dates it is one of the two Fionn's gonna have a look for you and then back I think it might be the third I don't know and then

what's your website? back to NI I don't have just Instagram do you use a website? An actual website? You've got Linktree though, haven't you, for tickets?

Linktree. All the shit's on Linktree. It's all on my Instagram or whatever. But I always, I'm torn between doing a website. I'm like, is that like an ancient thing? Or has that come back again?

Well, your Linktree is your website. It is now. Like now, but I have a website just because it's easier. It is easier. You're in Liverpool on the 3rd and it's only a fiver so it's only a fiver the show is called got milf got milf yeah the play on the american got milk it is yeah and the poster is me pumping

milk from my right boob oh no it's just you holding a glass of milk oh some venues don't want the tit. Oh, come on. Swear. I had this thing with some of the venues because my original poster has me with a breast pump on and milk in it and then holding my baby in the other arm. And some of them were like,

is there an alternative in case we don't want to... Oh, you fucking wusses. I know. Do you feed in public then? Not now because I don't breastfeed anymore, but when I did, yeah, all the time. All the time. It's fine, isn't it?

All the time. I would just be walking through the park. Who's getting offended by that? People do. It's the most natural thing, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. And not just old men. Like, it's weird watching women kick off about it.

Have you seen women kick off about it? Yeah, just moaning about it. Like, old ladies, like, oh, it's disgusting. I've never done it. Just jealous of your big, ripe tit. Wait, did you have one that was better than the other was righty better than lefty one would have fucking blinded you from here if you were across the room the milk would just go and there's a thing called the letdown when you breastfeed so the child goes on and they suck for about 10 seconds and then you

literally it's as if somebody opens a gate and the milk just goes and you feel it coming through your bib to your nipple and it just goes vroom And it'll squirt in the air for about 30 seconds. And it chokes the child. The child's all... And then they eventually... And that was righty. That was my right one. It's always one tit better.

Have you had a go? Have I had a go drinking it? Yeah. Tastes like oat milk. Yeah, like it's quite sugary, isn't it? It's very sweet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I breastfed my daughter until she was 19 months old and she she could talk to me like

she was like mommy oh that's when it gets a bit i was like maybe we're done when they get to the point where like hey mom can i have a boob please she would just come in and lift my top and just go for a boob and be like i'm just gonna hop on the boob here and i'd be like i think we should how old's the oldest that you've seen? Breastfeeding Oh I know a girl who's breastfed her child he was like five What?

Oh no In primary school I got one off what Dan told me last year about them being sugary Oh so you haven't had to choose When I was a child

Never that recently Were you breastfed? Yeah What age were you? 32 Nobody breastfed back then fair play to you Oh my mum

my mum was Breastfed you? Yeah yeah yeah I was very unusual back then hardly anybody breastfed back then, fair play to you. Oh my mum, my mum was, yeah. Breastfed you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was very unusual back then, hardly anybody breastfed back then. I'm a tip man as well. You are? Yeah. That's why. My son wouldn't latch on and so I had to draw out Laura's colostrum. Colostrum, yeah. Yeah. So her boobs were like absolutely swelling. Yeah. And she was like, you're going to have to. Did you do like getting diesel from a car? And then cyphering? I had a good old, I had a good old sock.

Did you? I drew it out. It was fucking great. I was old enough to ask for it. It became a kink as well. It became his kink. I know, I know it's a functional thing. Yeah.

Turned me on. Did it? Sock and tits is good. Yeah. Soz. I know, I know a mum might be like ah that's it was just a functional thing i was like but i think before breastfeeding that would be like a like a sexual sensual thing for a woman too after breastfeeding you're like this is fucking rare now it's it's that's that's lost for you now if you're like as a woman who's breastfed afterwards you're like

don't go near my tits they're just working nips you're just like these are now just functioning organs oh so you've lost the joy of the nipple sad time anything that you do for fun eventually feels like work

doesn't it yeah yeah yeah you can have too much of a good thing you know what I mean yeah footballers don't love the game by the time they retire no

they're not just playing for fun they're playing for a wage you know what I mean towards the end of his career Kevin Phillips wasn't happy to be lacing his boots up we all knew it was going to end with Kevin Phillips

when we were talking about colostrum you know what I mean I do know what you mean Kevin Phillips got bored of football breastfeeding is good I know exactly what you mean when I football breastfeeding is good yeah I know exactly what you mean

when I was breastfeeding my daughter my daughter was so unsettled like until she was one she cried constantly she was she's crying all the time

and you know like as a parent you're like how can I what can I I need to figure this out and we were like buying different medicines for her and trying to do

loads of different things trying and because I was breastfeeding I was like maybe I need to eliminate something from my diet and you start like dairy products is the first one to go cheese and milk out of your diet and stuff and it was during COVID and I was like maybe I need to eliminate something from my diet and you start like dairy products

is the first one to go cheese and milk out of your diet and stuff and it was during COVID and I was on Zoom to my mom and dad and I was like I think I'm gonna have to

stay away from dairy it's really annoying the child like she's upset with whatever and my mom said well we'll come visit you because they still live in dairy and I was like no

I have to stay away from cheese not your house I heard the same thing yeah yeah yeah she was like what you have to cut daddy out cheese not your house i heard the same thing yeah yeah yeah she was like what you have to cut daddy out yeah yeah it's just she fucking hates it she hates it all together a dairy intolerance right let's have a break and we're back for a long two days this yeah you started flying it last week didn't you it's been a day and a half literally a day and a half i when you're traveling started Started flying at 9pm last night,

which was, what, 3am here? Yeah. Yeah. You're doing well. Flying, mate? Oh, not anymore. Flew. I flew from Belfast.

I'm having a hard time. Shall we do some... And now it's time. Surely this is a good break for you because you're away from the kids. Oh, this is like such a break for me being away from kids. Jesus Christ, you've no idea.

I got writing done today at a like such a break for me being away from kids. Jesus Christ, you've no idea. I got writing done today at a shower with nobody screaming for me. I flew on my own because the last two flights I took were with my kids. It was a real fucking gift. Is this why you're touring?

Just to get away. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The only reason. They're good. We're going to do Room 102. That's how grim having children is. I know.

That's how grim having children is. Makes Ryan air good. I can't air when you press the start button. No, I know, I know. It's a new jungle. But it doesn't matter because Carl's never having kids. Room 102. Oh, yeah.

102. Fuck that up. Have you got any room 102s for us? Just before we do that. Yeah. Was there any point in your life where you felt like you definitely didn't want children? My whole life.

I didn't really... Told life. I didn't really. Told you. I couldn't really give a shit about having kids until I met my husband. You went to IVF twice. Well, three times. Do you know, I couldn't really give a shit. And then I met my husband and he had three kids. I've already met mine.

So, your husband. And then I seen every day a dad with his children. I was all, that looks quite nice. It was like, because obviously that looks quite nice it was like because obviously that whole like just like that amazing love and I was all

that looks good I'd like a bit of that and then it was complicated then because he'd had the snip after he had his three kids that's why we had to do IVF Oh can you not unsnip it though?

You can unsnip it but it doesn't always unsnip Sometimes it stays snipped Also if you unsnip it then you're gonna have to resnip it again that's too much michael scott snip snap so forgive me for being so graffa don't worry instead so instead of unsnipping do they just like drain your bollocks no i think no just build like a little tunnel yeah yeah every day a man comes into your house and just syringes out all the potential sperm to make him pregnant and then just syringes out all the potential sperm

they're making pregnant and then just squirts it out the window. Why would you put it out the window? Somebody will be out there trying to catch it. I think they just build little, like, some buttresses and as long as they don't eat tunneling, you come by. Oh, by the way, just a little side note for everyone, just being distracted here,

but this is big news, especially for you, Carl. Alfie Brown also went to school with someone born without an arsehole. How did they shit? Because it wasn't real. That's really inconvenient. Yeah. Isn't it?

I think so. That's not top of the list. That's inconvenient. No arsehole. This has been a long-running focus of our attention on this podcast. I went to school with a girl born with no arsehole. She got one plumbed in.

It was the talk of the school. Carl's never believed me. And now there's someone else which proves it's true. Shall we do Room 102? And now it's time for Room 102. Oh yeah, 102. Deona. Room 102.

What's going in? Unrealistic rappers. Rappers? Most Not like Not like of a sweetie But like Rappers Like when all the rapping

Happens It's normally really like Do you know just like I just smacked a bitch's ass In my Lambo While smoking a dubby and all That's not That's not cool

Wow Bars That's drake isn't it? That is With a doobie With a doobie do Yeah That is That is the Are is that is white people who

rap no no anybody who raps and talks about like flinging money around and you know like bitches and nightclubs and all this i think that's not i don't think you've listened to many rap songs have you i've heard one or two and both of them are about bitches and lambos and doobies and i think if they were just a little bit more realistic and relatable you want authentic hip hop just like my ma drove me here in her voxel I've started paying off

my student loan I'm a bad bitch that would be so much more relatable you should write that that'd be classy we're going to get the lyrics to in the club

which is essentially what you're talking about can you change them to what is more realistic what would be more realistic we're going to give you a 50 cent lyric. Yes, please.

Have you seen someone did a mashup of this in Conway Twitty and made it like 50? It's the best country music I've heard. It's unbelievable. Yeah. Okay, I'm going to have to censor some of it. Why? Because I can't say the N word.

Oh, yes. But you can say your version. I'll say mine. N words heard I fuck with Dre. Now they want to show me love. When you sell like Eminem. Here, slow down. What do you want me to do? Fucking remember all that?

Give me one line at a time. Give her one line. N-Words heard I fuck with Dre. My friend knows I like to have arguments. Now they want to show me love. Now she's trying to hold my hand. When you sell like Eminem and the hoes. When you sell chocolate shell covered sweet the hoes. When you sell

chocolate shell covered sweeteries. They want to fuck. Those guys would like to make love. It's just like getting Google translated. It's like you don't know what Eminem is. He's not talking about the Swedes. In my version. In my version Eminem isn't around.

You can find me in the club bottle full of bub as in bubbly. I'll be situated within the restaurant. Vino in hand. Look, mammy, I got the X if you're into taking drugs. Why is my mum here? Wow.

This is meant to be a nightclub. Last one. I'm into having sex. I ain't into making love. What's the word? I'm a hoe in. I ain't into making love. What's the word? I'm a hoe in the sheets, but a... No, I'm a whore in the sheets, but a boor in the streets. That does sound like a hip-hop fucking lyric.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to give them something at the end. As a hip-hop fan, you got to get our votes, by the way. You've got to go. But this wouldn't be hip-hop. I think this would just be relatable poetry. Can I ask ask did you see did anyone see the

Irish kids rapping yes that was class they were insane that wasn't rap that was a drum and bass song they were kind of rapping they were kind of rapping

they were talking fast it was more like MCing over it yeah think you can do what we do without it yeah absolute bang of that

but it's like the script isn't it do you like the script The Irish band They don't rap do they Well they don't sing either They're like talking Aren't they

What songs are you talking about You sure this wasn't an interview All of No All of their songs They're not even singing Shite Are just them narrating stuff

They're just like And I'm walking down the street And a man's saying hi And I'm saying hello back It's just stuff like that That's country music That is country music That's their songs The man who can't be moved like that. That's country music. That is country music. That's their songs.

The man who can't be moved, is that the script? Do you know why I like country music? Because it's unambiguous. That's what I want from your music. If you try to like decipher like what American past, and that's a bit

sort of country as well, but like really ambiguous music where you've got to like really dig deep for what they're talking about. Does my fucking head. Boy, he drove his car to somewhere. There was a song that come on

and loses the other night and it's called tequila. Makes their clothes fall off. And you know what it's about? It's about a woman who, when she has tequila, she takes her clothes off. And that's what I want from me music. Tell me what you're on about. So I can enjoy it properly.

That's what you're kind of saying. You don't want to think about it. Yeah. Be realistic. Be say exactly. Just be honest. Ron seal. Yeah. Does exactly what it exactly. Just be honest. Ron Seal. Yeah. Does exactly what it says in the 10 music.

So Bohemian Rhapsody, not for you. Bollocks. It's a good tune. Needs better lyrics. What's it about? Doesn't make sense. Do you know what it's about? No.

Do you know what it's about? It's surely about taking drugs, isn't it? But that's everyone's answer, isn't it? It's not. Oh, I was off. I was passing off me twat with it out there. He's going to tell us now. It's about Freddie Mercury. It's was popping off me twat with it out there he's gonna tell us now it's about

Freddie Mercury it's autobiographical is it is it I scored a little sculler you know what it's really hard

to understand what's being said if you just make up the words and make them into sounds sometimes I wish I'd never been born at all

there's a lot of like what's that meant to be about I have no idea can you do at all. There's a lot of like... What's that meant to be about? I have no idea. Scaramouche, Scaramouche, can you do the fandango? What's that mean? What's the fandango? It's a dance.

I want Scaramouche. That's not... Move, son. That's the fucking hot potato. That's not the fandango. Hot potato, hot potato. I've never seen the wiggles. That's not the fandango. It's the ketchup song. Can I go to the fandango? I the ketchup song can I record the fandango

I want to find out what a scaramouche is I feel like fandango is very fist based because fandango does sound like a dirt sometimes I don't

want to know what all the lyrics mean it's a lively just because it doesn't need to be I like it's fist based isn't it

it's a lively Portuguese dance a lot of hand-clapping. Yeah, fairly make it into Portuguese hand-clapping. That's not what you did. It's very fucking... Give her tequila. He's not a hand-clapper.

He's a cheek-clapper. He's so on the nose all the time. Is he a Portuguese hand-clapper? What did you just call your vagina? A dut. A dut? Dut. How do you spell that? D-O-O-T. A trademark. A doot. A doot? Doot. How do you spell that?

D-O-O-T. A trademark. A doot. A doot. I think that's a dairy thing. I don't think it goes out of the county of dairy. I think it's just that's how we say, that's what we say for vagina.

Doot. Everyone has their wee thing. Would you use that in a sexual context? I wouldn't be like, come here over to my doot. We're on the other side of the room. I wouldn't start with that, no. Would you like that in your rap songs? Come here over to my dit. We took the other side of the room. I wouldn't start with that, no. Would you like that in your rap songs?

Come here over to my dit. Have a look at my dit. Don't be looking at my dit. A mixed message. But you know what? Consent can be removed at any time. So that's fair enough. That's true.

I want to put you up on something you just said. You said you don't like to always know the words. I don't know. Some great bands, some great songs, I don't need to know everything. You know what I mean? Kings of Leon, it's all fucking gibberish. If you're watching a film and halfway through,

they would just start going, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That is not the same. And they just did that for 10 minutes. You'd be like, no, I'm fine with that. I don't need to know what everyone means all the time. What song have you ever been in a club and gone, stop, stop the song, cut the music off.

I have no idea what this song's about now. I've lost the fucking plot. No, it's not the same. Terrible analogy. Stop the film. Is it a perfect analogy? No, it's a terrible analogy. It's a perfect analogy. For fucking autistic country guys who are like,

what's it about? Is it about cars or cowboy boots? It's about, I like songs like, I gave her tequila, she whipped her dude out. Yeah, classic, I know what it's about. Fannies and tequila. Great song. Next song.

What's Wish Grandpas Didn't Die about? What's that like? I Wish Grandpas Didn't Die. That's what he's singing about. He doesn't want his granddad to be dead. Ever. How do you pick up on that though? It's so subtle.

It doesn't need to be subtle. Tell me what you mean. Yeah. Stop the film. Stop the film. Scaramouche, Scaramouche. And this Quentin Tarantino film's fucking mad. It started to seem gibberish in the middle.

That would be annoying. It would. But it's not the same as Bohemian Rhapsody. No, it's not the fucking same. It is the same. I don't listen to music for the story. I listen to it for how it sounds. No, he wants the full story. I don't listen to the lyrics very often. You like subtext in a film as well.

A little bit. I like being able to find it. That's literally the same thing. Yeah, subtext is fine. It's when it's absolute bollocks, like Bohemian Rhapsody and American Pie. What's your problem with American Pie? Because it's not about pie.

It's so misleading. I thought it was about bait cuts. It's a fucking nightmare, that song. Do you know what American Pie is about? Do you know Don McLean, who wrote it and sung it, and all the other fucking, whatever. Do you know what he refuses? He's been asked for years, what's this song about?

And he won't tell anyone. He doesn't know. He doesn't know. He knows the song, but then he doesn't know anyone. He doesn't know? He doesn't know? There's a song that he doesn't know called The American Pie? Isn't it about America, though? Isn't it about when someone died? It's not about...

It's rumoured that it's about a plane crash that killed a few musicians. That's a rumour. He won't confirm it. That's good, Mark. Get a note for him not to confirm it. It's not about fucking pies. It's about Buddy Holly dying.

Yeah, it should be about pies. If you mention pies, then write the song about pies i love pies sugary pies great song next song did you write the book of love and did you have faith in god above if the bible tells you so now do you believe in rock and roll can music save your mortal soul can you teach me how to dance real slow well i know that you're all in love with. Now, do you believe in rock and roll? Can music save your mortal soul? Can you teach me how to dance real slow? Well, I know that you're all in love with him because I saw you dancing in the gym. You both kicked off your shoes. I dig those rhythm and blues. I was a lonely teenage broncon book

with a pink carnation and a pickup truck. I like that last bit. But I knew I was out of luck the day the music died. What are you on about? Doesn't make sense. Stop the music. Yeah. All the music. Yeah. All the single ladies.

All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Put your hands up. Yeah.

What's she talking about? Hey, any single woman here, put your hands up. It's about a man who wants to fuck. Yeah, it is. Yeah. Held his shelter in a summer swelter the birds flew off with a fallout shelter eight miles high and fallen fast it landed foul on the grass the players tried for a forward pass what players who who context what are the names i've not even

seen the starting lineup and i like how can i enjoy this song who's up front that's mad it's shite. And then there's that, what's that Madonna song that's a part name about a blowjob? Do you know when she's on the beach and she's all in black veils?

Is it that? Bollywood, that. Pardon? That's Bollywood. What? Who sings I touch myself? If I can be in your love. Like a virgin.

That's a good one. Fucked for the very first time. Frozen. Frozen by Madonna. I think that's about... No, it's not. It's that one, Show Me Heaven. That makes more sense.

Show me heaven. You're broken. Come for me. When your heart's not broken. Do you know that... No, I've not sung the next one. And I'll suck you off on the beach

yeah yeah yeah show me heaven come for me isn't it people think it's comfort it's not low by Flo Rida is also about a blowjob I don't know if you knew that

oh he needs to call low low low yeah he needs to call the song this is about blowjobs what about I touch myself what about it that's not

not much subtext than that it's just a banging song it's just about wanking myself? What about it? That's not much subtext in that. Bang and song. She's about to wank herself off, isn't she? When I think about you, I fuck myself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're making it more ruder. My favourite bit of that whole song, by the way, is towards the end in the final, like,

what's the last bit of the song called? Refrain refrain final refrain she just goes she literally says in the background i honestly do and it's the best bit of that song by a fucking distance i touch myself i honestly do fucking clap we've got some other room one or two sent in by listeners if you've got things you want to disappear into the abyss. Ambiguous music. What were you rolling on the first one?

Well, I know disingenuous hip hop is a bit boring after a while, isn't it? Like all the bitches, all the... That's why I like Logic and stuff like that. I think it's a bit more honest and interesting. Mix in shit ad-libs as well. Do you know whenever like... Do you know whenever a part in a song, every artist has to like

throw in a, like, yeah, well that's sort of, you would expect him to say that. But like there's one song that Justin Bieber's all, be more straightforward

for no reason. It's not referenced in the rest of the song. None to do with the context of the song. He's just, but again, he's being straightforward. He's being straightforward.

More self-deprecation in rap is what we're asking for. Sam Quinn says, going into room 102 for me, fajita kits, biggest scam of all time. Get fuck all in them and have to buy the main ingredients. Wraps are shy and they stick together. They do. So Sam Quinn is not a fan of fajita kits. Steve Buchanan's viral video there.

Don't trust him. We make our own. We buy, I've eaten separate. So do I. You can buy it all separate. Yeah, I get the,

sometimes I get the old El Paso nacho kit and you're like, this is, it's so bad. It's stinking. It's just the worst type of like tortilla. Yeah. It's not good.

You better just get in the like, the cheap ones from Co-op and then the salsa's weird tasting and then you've got to get the cheese and all the other fun stuff old lr so more like means i always say that take that uh calm says uh room 102 lids when people get identical group friend tattoos oh it's just a french it's just a friendship bracelet for goths uh me jack and alfie nearly got Nashville tattoos, but we forgot to go.

Yeah, that sounds right. I've got two tattoos and they're both with my mate. I have a matching tattoo with my friend. What is it? Forever Friends. It means friendship in Chinese. Are you sure it does? No, probably not.

But I've met like five or six other people with the same tattoo in different parts of the body. Did you get it done in China? No, in Belfast. Why Chinese? Two decades. Not the Chinese, me and my friend, whenever we went and got it done. We got them done on our hips.

I don't even see that part of my body anymore, but it's absolutely, like, they're shit looking. And then her and I didn't speak for five years. Not straight after the tattoo, but after, after something else. That's a Chinese. Does it definitely say friendship if you check? Because people get stitched up

with stuff like that. And the Chinese love it as well. People who go to China and get a tattoo, the Chinese love it. They'll fuck you there. Aye. No, I do think it means

some variation of friendship or whatever, but it's tacky as fuck. Would we not get to have a word one? No. Before this is all done? Why would there be before? What?

It's a commemoration. After it's all done. Yeah. All right, let's fuck off the podcast and get a tattoo. No, no, no. When we've all fallen out. Right, you fucking cunts. That's it.

I'll see you with the tattoo artist. No, let's just keep the podcast going. All right. All right, cool. That's a no from Carl. Shall we do some icks? We've been doing people what, like, just gives them the ick, really, with their partners, okay?

Or anyone that they might fancy. Yeah. And I want to do a... I want the... Ooh, brother, what's that? Can you sort that out for me, Finn? Yeah. Can we really not do that?

I hate that. I know I don't listen to it, but it does me. I've done that little fucking sound. I've never watched it, but I've seen his face enough. Well, we need a jingle for you know we'll sort it

alright cool nice one do that oh will you pack that in doesn't half tear me off ya that doesn't half tear my head in better than I'd like the clip

Luke says ick I'd been on about four or five dates with this girl before she planned a comedy night because I said

I'd love comedy but she was a fucking terrible audience member answering rhetorical questions from the comics during their sets talking in my ear during the show the lot might be the first time i've genuinely got the ick yeah that's fair the ick from a dick because that's shit behavior isn't it yeah just anyone who doesn't know how to behave in a social setting of any kind is just an ick anyone who just is overbearing or underbearing just be bearing just be exactly what i want for me but underbearing is as bad as overbearing yeah like someone who's just like yeah that's not good either is it that's the tennis i actually think i think taking a taking your partner to comedy if you've got a

good sense of humor is a great way of if you're four or five dates in yeah that's a bit of a trial but like if they can't behave if they sit there not laughing they're totally underbearing

that's shit and if they can't behave themselves so I think it's a great place to go to test out dates either of them would do my head in if I went to a comedy show with someone

and they were like or if they were just, ha ha ha! Honestly, we're just like... That's how I met my husband at the Edinburgh Fringe. So our first series of dates were all at gigs. So that was a good way of finding out

if we had the same sense of humour as well because we were going to different gigs and we laughed at the same thing, which we did, thankfully enough, even though we performed completely different styles

of comedy. But that's what we did for our first dates. But it would have been rare had neither of us been comedians and both went to like gigs i think that's fucking rare as a first date it's it's the most pressure though if you really like a girl five dates in you know when you go i want to watch a film i think you'll love it i've seen it like you really want them to like it yeah i think your sense of humor is even more important than that like if you were going you had tickets to see your favorite comedian and it was five dates in Like you really want them to like it. Yeah. I think your sense of humour is even more important than that.

Like if you were going, you had tickets to see your favourite comedian and it was five dates in and if they got to the end of it, I thought that was shit. I think it would be a... At the arena for you, Seneca, him a couple of times in a year,

like said something, I went, listen, I can't be seen chatting the amount of times you've said. And she was like, oh. I was like, no, just shut up and listen to the show. Like I can't be like Nat and ruin someone else else's show off the you know laura got so self

aware changing wedding long long laura got so self-aware when he because he just did the arena and we were we for some reason pissed off his promoter and we were on our own on the other side of the arena and i was enjoying it too much and kept getting fucking squeezed because i was like not she was like people are looking at you laughing you're like i know the comedian is my best mate and he's absolutely smashing the arena oh god is that is that dad laughing laura's like stop fucking laughing there's no way it's like an open spot going to a show i'm doing the comedian's laugh though i genuinely wasn't

until until that one bit that absolutely creeps me that I was just enjoying myself and she was like just tone it down I was like that same as whenever

I do a lot of stuff about my husband like obviously some of it's based on a true story some of it's just completely fictional you know how it works

and he has to leave if we're on the same bill he has to leave because everyone turns the same class they has to because everyone turns him constantly you know oh no she's talking about your dick and they're just constantly doing that and even like i do material about my step-sons as well right made up shit sort of and uh they obviously like one of them is now at university and lives in liverpool so they're they're like older teenagers

like into like their 20s now they're older and not that long ago we were doing me and my husband were both on a festival and we thought like we'll pick the job

bring the whole family everyone can enjoy this festival like just before I was about to go on I was all to them here's here's 30 quid each fuck off

and buy food or be off buy booze just don't be watching me I'd be shit girls aren't funny go awayze dude just don't be watching me i'd be shit gary's unfunny go away like don't don't come watch me and because i obviously i have material about them i don't want them in like at the tent whatever i'm on so they went away and then like 10 minutes and like i'm just about to do stuff about them and i watched the three of them just

come behind a burger van and just approaching like 30 quid at a festival lasts eight minutes it's just a burger i could get you nothing they start walking towards me and i'm i remember being on i could see my husband he was holding the baby as well it's only after i had my daughter and i'm looking at them going i know you have to either skip this bit and not do this bit about them you gotta do it but i know it's a banker and it's gonna get a joke and do i appreciate my relationship with them more than i do this laugh from these people I've never met so the drive home was really awkward how how did they take it well one of them done this thing do you know whenever you write stuff and you say someone said something and they didn't you've written it

for them to say and afterwards he was like it was so funny when I said that wasn't it I was like you didn't say that I made that up don't pretend you're taking credit for my writing yeah he was all I was like, it was so funny when I said that, wasn't it? I was like, you didn't say that. I made that up. Don't pretend you're... I was taking credit for my writing. Yeah, he was all, I was, I must admit, that was really funny when I said that. I was like, have you just made up that memory now? Do you know, like, when I was promoting my Liverpool tour shows,

I did like a few sketch videos, right? And Jack, who's at the back, who does our photography, and is also a friend of ours and my tour manager, and Carl were in some sketches I wrote. And after both of them, I had people come up to me and go, oh, that sketch was funny, lad. Tell you what, though. He fucking buried you there with that line, didn't he, lad?

That was funny. And I'm like, I wrote it! I wrote that! I wrote every bit of all of it! I know. Yeah, but I delivered it. That is so annoying, isn't it? Like, he's funny, what he said.

What you said wasn't funny. I was like, yeah, because it's funny if you did it that way, isn't it? Like, he's funny, what he said. What you said wasn't funny. I was like, yeah, because it's funny if they're that way, isn't it? It's all about the delivery. Give him the fucking punchline. Me! Give them credit for nothing! Me! Me!

You've got to question the intelligence of some people, because one went, that's just fake. Three cameras set up in Pogue. Perfectly lit. I don't think this really happens. George Wanless says, got a nick for you, lads. three cameras set up in Pogue perfectly lit I don't think this really happens George Wanless says got a nick for you lads girls who say

I just tell it how it is it's not my fault if that hurts someone's feelings nah you're just a cunt trying to disguise yourself as someone who tells the truth

it's like everybody who ever auditioned for Big Brother do the videos that used to come up at the start they're like I'm leaving Love Island

I'm gonna go in there I'm gonna wreck shit up I'm gonna say how it is I don't give a fuck I'm going to wreck shit up I'm going to say how it is I don't give a fuck I'm straight I'm going to say I'm loyal I'll do it they walk in

and they're the biggest pussies and they say absolutely nothing and they're really lovely people and you're like why did you sell yourself as such a twat before you went in because they wanted to get in

I know and it worked and they get in and they're just lovely being nasty isn't their personality it's not like oh respect your honesty being

just be polite I mean there's there's something to not being two-faced and and having an opinion and being straight but that isn't the same thing as just being fucking rude whenever it suits you and then going well sorry if i can't just speak my mind you're like no just be a yeah yeah you're being a twat yes correct um like older people who just be rude just because they're like I'm just being honest

and I'm old and they just they're so like I was swimming in a a swimming pool in like a hotel me and my husband

went to recently and this wee old woman was swimming past me and I didn't even see her and a whole like tidal wave of water just fucking took me and I was like

what's happening and I turned around and this wee old woman just went move and I was like I didn happening and I turned around and this wee old woman just went move and I was like I didn't know you were there to begin with or I would have

she just soaked me and my rage filled that I just couldn't and I just soaked her back she was about 95 and we had to leave the pool because if anyone looks over and was all that weak

you're just a tactile old woman in the pool I spent the whole night in the bar going if she comes in here I'm going to have a scrap way of pinching her I tell you what

I've got one thing that can go in room 102 and it happened to me today and i'd had like the flight was great coming back but my baggage experience today was horrific jack's bag come out and then for like half an hour after that nothing else came out on our plane and we're like what the fuck is going on and then we remembered there was a problem with the hold doors at the airport in Nashville, which was why we were delayed in the first place. And I was like, they can't get the fucking doors. I'm going to be here for fucking ages.

And then we're leaving the airport, and a woman was leaving the airport. And, you know, like, you've got the not until the clear thing, and the door is about, like, a person and a half wide, isn't it? She got into that doorway and just stopped. People who just stop walking in public with no awareness of what's around them. And I, like, I went to her,

are you fucking joking? And even Alfie, who, she wasn't in his way because he was going around there. Even he went fucking ridiculous. And he's like the most, like, doesn't say anything in public, polite person ever. And he went to her, fucking ridiculous. She just's like the most like, doesn't say anything in public, polite person ever. And he went to her, fucking ridiculous.

She just stopped in a doorway. Oh, I want her dead. Did she move? No, she, it was like she, no one else was there. Oh, right. She couldn't even hear us.

Just go through something to declare instead. And when they go, what have you got to declare? She's a dickhead. Has anyone ever been through something to declare? People who are bringing cattle back into the country. Oh, my God. I saw a brilliant border control of a lady who'd come back from Turkey.

She was going to America. It was an American. I don't know where this clip came up. I think on TikTok. And she had 36 cases all saran wrappedan wrapped and she paid for it as hold luggage and uh the u.s customs were like this all yours she was like yes she's like this is all you've bought this i know what she was like yes i've bought it all for myself like and then they just took it apart and it was watches and and like loads of shoes and designer clothes and he's like

we're a little worried that you you know this might be counterfeit stuff and she was selling she was like no no no no i just paid for it all and this is just i give presents just the level of like she just had to keep going on the lie she'd spent four thousand dollars on hold luggage and then was trying to blag that it was like no and i just i just did a lot of shopping oh shit bless her but she got it all taken off her obviously she got the whole thing taken off her and then the fines are like so that either gets confiscated or the fines are through the roof how fucking stupid have you got me though so this will be fine 36 20 kilogram bags no and in the

middle of it there was a little book with all of it written down and like the cost of it and everything i've seen someone did that with meat the whole video it, there was a little book with all of it written down and the cost of it and everything. I've seen someone do that with meat. I've had them videos. She had like six suitcases of meat. And she was like, yeah, it's fine. Can we open it? And she was like, nah, don't open it. And it's just like steaks and shit.

Some people don't live near a good butcher, though. Yeah. Go to Turkey. There was somebody recently who, inside their coat was loads of fish tanks. And they'd filled it with all foreign fish. Have you been watching Mr Bean? Oh, and in the lining of their coat

just these wee slimline fish tanks and all these exotic fish really I don't know where they were going or where they were coming from but they were bringing

fish somewhere do you not think you'd just rather have some cocaine stuck up your arse I think it's just easier yeah I'll just try and get away with that

do I have to take these fish tanks off of the scale yeah into the clay nothing but fish tanks off of the scanner? Yeah. Into the clay? Not on my fish tanks. Why would you sit down? Are you sure this is real?

Well, I've seen it online, so yes. No, it's not tanks. It's like little bags with... It's like... Yeah, I'm sure it's bags. Maybe you just

smashed it at a cafe. Yeah, yeah. I'm good with darts. Yeah, yeah. Those cans have no chance, mate. Sarah says, Nick, lads who can't grow full beards makes me feel like a pedo.

Who did you look at there? Everyone can in here, so it's good. Even I can grow a beard. Lads who can't grow full beards make hair feel like a pedo. Yeah. You can grow a beard, can't you? You just don't want to.

Yeah, it's not... No, but it's not full. It looks pretty full. Is it? I'm just a bit shy with it. I'm getting this shaved into a moustache tomorrow. You've already got a moustache? Yes.

Are you really? No. Are you doing that really? Why? I think it'll look good. I'd love to be able to pull just the moustache off. Have you done it before? No.

Okay. You're just guessing? Adam's having a bit of a midlife crisis with his hair at the moment, and I'm jealous. I'd love to be able to grow hair, but it's all gone a bit wayward. Okay. You're just guessing? Adam's having a bit of a midlife crisis with his hair at the moment and I'm jealous. I'd love to be able to grow hair but it's all gone a bit wayward this year. It's getting longer. He's gone through periods of not liking it

and now it's coming round but the beard is going to be next level. I'm getting this taken down to like a one and a half and I'm leaving the moustache just as thick as it is. You should stop going to Nashville. That's the problem. You're being influenced. You can say it.

I'm sure most people there didn't have, they all had just that, did they? Have you seen it? Some of them just have this. I haven't got it from there though. I wanted to do this before I went, I just didn't have time. Are you into a man with a beard?

I think it's rare when they don't. I don't trust grown men with cleanly shaven faces. Like everyone's dad has a cleanly shaven face yeah because they love it don't they all the gileckia because he got brought up with it and that's all they get

for Christmas now that's why old men are always clean shaven because like oh me granny's got me this that's all they have yeah you need to grow yours

a little bit but would yours be really blonde would your beard come out blonde I think it'd be a bit ginger like all off Melberg would it

yeah it'd be a bit ginger everyone's beard's a bit ginger isn't it all off Melberg. Would it? Yeah, it'd be a bit ginger. Everyone's beard's a bit ginger, isn't it? All off Melberg. What a fucking shout that is. Yeah. If I get sun on mine, I get the odd ginger one in my beard.

The thing is, sorry, just don't try and shag men that don't have beards. That's it, innit? That's it. Yep. But men, if you have a beard and then you shave it off. Oh, that's illegal.

But you go from like if you go from like a solid eight to like a four like you drop like the beard adds so much my wife gave me so we went to Amsterdam and I just cut in a goatee

and dyed it no wait no tell the truth what you did what you didn't just cut you dyed a black goatee

onto your face yeah I cut in a like a rye a goatee and then I dyed it just to be a dick really right and then to just it just to be a dick, really. And then to just get the beard to grow again,

you've just got to shave it all down. So bad. Because I don't have hair, so I really did look like I was going through treatment. You looked like shock. Oh, yeah, yeah. It was not good. And Laura will let me be in her bed so much of the time

because she's like, I get it, I know who I'm married. She went, don't do that again. yeah oh it becomes so unattractive like if a woman grew a beard it's the same concept you're just used to looking at no beard and then if we let our beards grow out you'd be like that's stinking now yeah i would be yeah because we can't not acceptable for me we're keeping from all these we fucking can do a beard if we want like have you shaved your head off Yeah But most of the time

On my Instagram stories I do look like I have no hair Because I have such a Massive forehead You know if I do an angle Down here And I have my hair back Full bald

There's some sexy women With shaved heads in there Sinead O'Connor Yeah Sinead's The OG shaved head Go on keep going There's some ladies On Instagram

Ruby Rose Gal Porter We all There's loads Hey Gal Porter. Ruby Rose. Gail Porter. There's loads. Hey, Gail Porter's not doing all right, is she? I'm worried about Gail Porter. Oh no, I thought, is that Gail Platt? She looks better with a shaved head.

Gail Platt with a shaved head. Fit. That's a good reason. My Instagram's a weird place. What's on your algorithm? There's a lot of Gail porter with a shaved head flying towards the moon on a bicycle oh no yeah yeah yeah yeah just girl paws on a bike is that a podcast yeah it's about two actually diona brilliant work uh meet the parents as your podcast that you do with sean yes is that a podcast yeah it's about two actually Diona

brilliant work meet the parents is your podcast that you do with Sean yes we do that weekly Instagram Instagram

at Diona Doherty comedy there's no question mark on it despite what my voice suggests go and see Diona she's class go and watch her podcast I'll be in hot water

in July 3rd of July and London Top Secret in the 2nd. Nice. Thanks for listening, Lids. Have we got a tune, Finn? Yes, we do.

It's a young band. They better explain exactly what they mean with the song. I hope so. I hope so. This is by Strider and this is Say Your Prayers.

Tinchy? Tinchy Strider with Say Your Prayers. We are Strider and this is our upcoming single, Say Your Prayers. It's about religion. Better be. It better be.

It's about blowjobs. It better be about bedtime. All right, Liz. Enjoy Strider. Bye for now. We'll be right back. You stop it, you drop it, it tends to fool around I won't be the name of cabalins that jumps around You see it, you feel it, you hope it can be true Your phone's open, dollars are waiting for you There's questions, you're dropping, can angels even fly?

I saw you walking down the street and having reasons to hide Let's face it and embrace it, we'd work it if we could Every lie is faced and certain certain misunderstood I don't care And I know you're not there Say you're brave I don't care And I know you're not there Say you're brave We'll be right back. I'm not playing, I'm traveling, I'm faithless and my peace I'm starting a war for custom, forging actions in my face

Turned out to be some lovers, scoffing for their place And I'll be asking all these others, begging for this place again And I know you're not there, so you're bad, okay And I know you're not there Stay back Okay I don't care And I know you're not there Say your prayers Say your prayers See your face See your face