Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #282 with Michelle de Swarte - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: June 23, 2024

Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan Nightingale & Fiends Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.ukComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Support our cycle across India for Zoe's Place:https://cycle4zoes.enthuse.com/pf/finnlay-kulavuzGet subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsCheck out Finn's music: https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Tickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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for below the waist grooming. Go, Ed, get on me. for below the waist groomers. Go, Ed. Get on me. Ah, good morning, gentlemen. Good morning. Good morning to you, sir. Do you like my Nashville sounds, Top? Ah, the sounds.

And they play minor league baseball. Minor league baseball. Yeah. That's so much cooler than an MLB one. No. Is it? It is because everyone's got their main shit what are the um tampa bay rowdies tampa bay that's it they're an obsolete team they're not there anymore oh that's the top i've got of theirs like a retro one yeah um tampa bay smoke what's

the equivalent to that in the uk then um probably like fc united of manchester it's one league below the major league, but the major leagues are so big. The rosters are so big that the major leagues probably like, you know, it's probably like the Prem and the championship, I'd say. All right. So this is like, I've got a Wickham top on,

but like imagine if Wickham was like one of the sickest cities in the whole country. What are you wearing, man? White comb. Yeah. I suppose it's like having a Leeds top when they went down to League One. Yeah, right.

I think that's cooler. People go, what's that? Rather than know what it is. The Nashville sounds. Because they've got a history of country music in Nashville. Not just country music, all music. It's known as the music city. And everyone in Tampa Bay

noshes everyone off. Tampa Bay Smokers. Have you seen the Oilers, girl? Do the team, the Oilers? What? What city is it? Edmonton. Is it?

Wow, how did you know that? That's wild. Edmonton Oilers. She got her tits out at the game and she became this internet sensation. Of course she did. She got a tits out at the game and she became this internet sensation. Of course she did. She got a tits out at the game. Because they were good.

Is it mad that if I got me cock house at the game, I'd be banned for life? Not as playful. She's famous. Not as playful. That's not going on the Jumbotron, although it needs to be. With his dick.

I'm having a great dick day, by the way. I went for the piss before and I was like, whoa, there's meat involved here. Well apost was because people were going it's disgusting she went you know what you could save kittens from the river and do the most amazing thing in the world and people still like you so you know what i got i got wrecked they got me tits out fuck off i don't care is that was it have you paraphrased that? Cause that doesn't sound right. She said, fuck you if you don't like it. When did she mention kittens in a river? That was earlier on.

At the start of the video. I just don't know who tits are offensive to. So anyone bothered by that? I just don't. Women with no tits and men with massive tits. No, men with massive tits. Like I've had massive tits most of my life. I'm not offended by women's tits.

Yeah. And then women with no tits. What, you worried Angelina jolie's gonna get in touch with her oh that's the only one i know with no tits yeah um what zendaya she's just flat chested no angelina jolie had them removed that's what i that's what i meant just i meant flat chested oh i thought i wasn't getting medical you know know. What's it called? A mastectomy. Is it Zendaya or Zendaya? Zendaya.

Is she like Ronaldo or like Cher? Is that her only name? She does sound like a magician, doesn't she? I think her surname is like Smith and that ruins her. So she just goes without saying. Zendaya Smith. What's her real name? Dua Lipa's real name is Dua Lipa.

Is it? Yeah. Yeah. She's Albanian, isn't she? I thought she was from London. It is boring. It's Zendaya Coleman. That is what it is, though, isn't it? I know I was being a dick, but I am right at the same time.

I don't know that. I thought she'd take a superhero name. No. Zendaya Coleman. Oh, that is boring. She's smashing her hair, though. Fucking, that is boring. She's smashing it there though. Yeah. Everywhere that woman.

It's great. Not often actors just go for the one name, is it? No. It's usually a pop star thing. Anybody else? Tom Cruise. They can get that moniker. Like it's Leo now, isn't it?

And you know what we're talking about. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Timmy as well. Timothy. No, but that's not the same because he's still Leonardo DiCaprio. She's never like starring Zendaya Coleman. Yeah. Timmy as well. No, but that's not the same because he's still Leonardo DiCaprio. She's never like starring Zendaya Coleman.

Yeah. She's literally been there. Maybe she doesn't want people to think she's releasing to Olivia. Yeah, because everyone was making that mistake, weren't they? It might be, though. I could do it with celebrities, though.

So I say the first name, you'll say the second name. You'll just know. Eamon. Holmes. Dermot. O'Leary. Vernon. Kay. Yeah,. O'Leary. Vernon.

Kay. Yeah, there's loads, mate. All day time TV hosts. There is. But whenever they're on a proper listing, their surname's on there as well. I don't think it should be, though. I don't think it needs to be.

Eamon Holmes never uses the surname. He's just Eamon. Everyone knows him. Lorraine? Yeah. She's got the show. She's not an actor, though. Tr him. Right. Lorraine? Yeah. She's got the show. She's not an actor, though. Trisha?

Although I would love to see like a Lord of the Rings remake where she plays everyone. I don't even know Trisha's surname. Goddard? Yeah. It is Trisha Goddard. That came out.

Let's go for that. You're blaming. Yeah, lad. I don't know why I've got that. What do you want? Kilroy. Robert Kilroy Silk? I know, but like that is... Yeah, he's a I've got that. Kilroy. Robert Kilroy Silk. I know, but like that is...

Yeah, he's a rare one. He went for his middle name. That's mad, isn't it? He might be the only one to ever do that. Yeah, Bobby Silk sounds great as well. Fucking Bobby Silk does some shagging. Robert Kilroy Silk. But Kilroy, pretty official.

Is he alive? Is he dead? Seen Dick Van Dyke? He's flying now, him. No, he's not. He's 902. Is he alive? Is he dead? Have you seen Dick Van Dyke? He's flying now, him. No, he's not. He's 902. He's doing really well. He's 98 and he's got all his faculties.

Like, he is so switched on. He's alive. Go on, Kilroy, lad. Dick Van Dyke is 98. 98? I had him on last year's Deadpool. No, I did. I think we did the right thing with Deadpool

is not wish for good things to go wrong. You know? Do you know what I mean? Like Dick Van Dyke is not something you want. I don't want. No, but I'm playing to win. We are Deadpool. I can't remember who I picked.

I can't remember any of mine this year. I picked nasty people on purpose. I picked Harvey Weinstein. Yeah, I did. Rupert Murdoch. Robert Mugabe. Have you got the list there? Or is it just out there no that's old so we've just broken the record for the amount of celebrities to be mentioned in the first five minutes of a podcast that isn't the current deadpool is it

out there why it's been rubbed off why so where's the deadpool i think steve's got it on a document can you go and get it off Steve's document? That's fun, isn't it? Someone famous has died. Let's look at the document. Can we come back to it? Because that door's locked. Yeah, the door's locked to keep the dogs out.

Okay, sit down, honey. How are we all doing? How's the meat treating you? Not a euphemism. It sounds like I've gone gay. How's the meat getting on? That's what I said. Not a euphemism. It sounds like I've gone gay. How's the meat? Getting on. That's what I said. Not a euphemism.

All right, okay. How are you going on the carnivore diet? Yeah, good. I had about 20 chicken wings for me last night. Oh, wow. Where from? Did you make them? I made them myself, yeah.

What are we talking? What rub? So, Martin's Barbecue in Nashville. I got a seasoning from there. Put that on it in the oven. Put them in the oven for what it said to put them on on the paché. And then I finished them in a frying pan with hot oil that I got from my favourite hot chicken place in Nashville. So I made really, really Nashville hot chicken wings.

Christ almighty. You had 20? And then nothing else? No, I had about 10, 12. But I had nothing else for me too. Wow. So I had that. So yesterday I went to Cheshire Oaks to do a bit of shopping.

Nice. I went to a Lebanese place. Did you need a new tie? What? Did you need a new tie? I wanted some holiday bargains, Carl. There's got to be another reason you went to Cheshire Oaks. No, I wanted some holiday bargains, Carl. There's got to be another reason you went to Cheshire Oaks. No, I wanted some holiday bargains.

Did you get any? Yeah, I got a couple of pairs of swimming shorts. Four. From the Speedo store. To swimming. From Jack Wills. Never shopped there before. Quite nice stuff.

It's holiday shit, isn't it? I went to a Lebanese place. Get on this, right? Lebanese gaff, yeah? Right? Take everything you know about the Lebanon. It's basically aese gaff, yeah? Right? Take everything you know about the Lebanon. It's basically a Turkish gaff, innit? In terms of, like, food.

Yeah. Like it is, though, innit? Go Turkey Go. I'm sure there's a long political history where they all ate each other and that, but I couldn't give a fuck. They eat the same scran. They're not close enough now.

Go Turkey Go yesterday, by the way. Wow. Arda Guler, wow. Best game in the tournament so far. Yeah, it was class. Back to the restaurant. So I ordered, there was like a grill section,

17 quid, 16.75 to be, bang on the nose, right? And it said, grilled chicken skewer marinated in garlic. And I was like, right, I can just about have that.

Sounds good. Yeah. I thought it'd be a couple of skewers, you know, for 17 quid. Just one skewer of chicken. A big skewer of chicken or four cubes? Five cubes of chicken. What?

For 17 quid, that's not enough, is it? That's where Cheshire Oak's making the money back to give you cheap, short, expensive lesbian food. And it was just that, nothing else on the plate? There was rice and salad, but I can't eat that at the minute. So I just had the chicken. So I had that for my lunch. And that was like a brunch.

That was about midday. When I got back from Cheshire Oaks, I made three scrambled eggs and three pieces of bacon. And then for me actual tea, I had 12 chicken wings. Am I doing that to sound fucking boss? I'll be honest with you. Yeah. The only difficult...

The actual eating of my meals is class, because I love everything honest with you. Like the only difficult, like the actual eating of me meals is class because I love everything I'm eating. And I'm not like missing carbs while I'm eating. But like throughout the day, I went for a 5K run and I felt like, I wasn't hungry at the end of it, but I felt empty. I felt like I just used like the last bit of layer pack

in a tub. You know when you're trying to stretch it across a piece of bread. That's what I felt like on the road. Nothing in your battery, mate. Yeah. But since getting back from Nashville, I've lost three kilograms, which is...

You've lost the three that you put on? Yeah. What? I put half a stone on in New York. Yeah, so I put that on, and I've lost that in... What day is it? Wednesday. I started this properly on Sunday.

All right, keep us updated on the meat, please. There's a Japanese thing. A lot of that will be water weight, by the way, before I get all the fucking PTs that listen to us right now going, oh, Adam thinks he's lost loads of weight. All he's doing is pooing and pissing. I know.

I'm just looking at the scales, John. Stop eating when you're 80% full. John the PT scales, John. Stop eating when you're 80% full. John the PT. What? They stop eating when they're 80% full. Who? The Japanese. And they're small,

apart from the sumos. So, like, when you're eating and you're like... It's called... Harahachi Bunmi. It's a Confucius, isn't it? Eating until you're 80% full um how do you how do you measure that though no you don't so joan you're eating like i'm so i'll finish that yeah and it takes

your stomach 20 minutes to work out because in 20 minutes you're full you are full yeah and you've eaten 20 less than you'd usually eat but i don't know when to judge that is that after like two chips it turns out you're 80 full after two chips well i don't know yeah but judge that. Is that after like two chips? You're 80% full after two chips. Well, I don't know. Yeah, but I think you'd have an idea, wouldn't you? No. I'm either hungry or I'm not. I stop when I'm not.

There's a bit where you can stop and you go, I'll finish that. But if you stop and 20 minutes later you feel... Is it not better to just eat 80% of the food? Does that not make more sense? That's what I do, yeah. Right. Because it is hard to judge when you're 80% full. I ate all of my chicken wings last night,

and then I put more seasoning on the scraps that were left on my bones and ate all of that, so there wasn't a fucking shred of meat or cottage on these chicken wings. Yeah, that's like 110% full. Yeah, stop at 80, and apparently you lose loads of weight. I eat chicken on the bone,

like a cartoon of Henry VIII would. I've seen it. Yeah. He's an absolute Tampa Bay. I've seen it. Yeah. He's an absolute Tampa Bay smoker, was he? Yeah. He eats every,

like every morsel of chicken is gone. Well, good, because if you're going to murder them, you might as well put it to you, say. Oh, yeah.

Like, you know, like a lot of vegans, like if you're going to kill an animal, like every part of the animal should get used for meat. Well, I don't really

subscribe to that, but what I do subscribe to is if you're going to have a chicken wing, every part of the chicken wing should get it. Right, right, right. One of the worst things I've eaten is them chicken feet. Do you remember them? Yeah.

We had chicken feet together. Where? Luban. Luban, yeah. Yeah. Didn't we? Yeah, and it was... I think I've suppressed most of that thing.

The only thing I remember... The eye? No, the egg. The black egg. Oh, the thousand-year-old egg. Century egg. So we did a food-eating challenge, which is, you know, fucking everything for me, but...

You did so well that day, considering how bad you are at, like, you know, having cod and chip. Because we didn't know he was that bad, you know? Put it in a place. We didn't know what he was like with food back then. I think you had an idea. We had an idea.

Yeah, but not to the level that you actually are. Yeah. And an eyeball. Yeah. But it's all horrific. That's nearly as horrific as just stuff I hate. I think the eyeball's still there for me. It feels like I can feel it.

It was horrible, the eyeball. I had brain. I had a cow's brain. Go and watch it. It's called The Food Challenge. Go and watch it on Patreon now also they say you shouldn't eat

after a certain point in the evening I sort of struggle with that sometimes as well gigs help me there because I get like a bit of adrenaline

and when I'm what? Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs Giggs he helps me comes in shags Laura great

takes my mind off food what? that was really sad I think he was coming to give you like advice Helps me. Comes in. Shags Laura. Great. Takes my mind off food. What? That was really sad. I think she was coming to give you advice. I don't think it's real. No, yeah. Don't feel sad.

She's not fucking Ryan Giggs. She's one of the few. I just think that's something to focus on. Last night, I watched House of the Dragon and was peckish. And because I paused it, it's sponsored by Volvo. All the good shit on Sky Atlantic on like last night i watched house of the dragon and was peckish and because i wanted i didn't i paused it it's sponsored by volvo all the good shit on sky atlantic sponsored by volvo and i was like i really want to get back to it so i just made three three pieces of white bread and just put some flour on it the laziest 10 p.m snack you can fucking have not even toast i couldn't even be

asked i just made a triple decker. Sometimes I just want bread. I've done that. That's not wild. I know it's not wild, but when you're just trying to have a bit of a healthy- Was it like Warburton's or like fresh bread? No, Warburton's.

Yeah, that's straight out of the- I'd still enjoy it, but like it does seem less ridiculous when it's like- Yeah. Or like a good loaf. Like a good loaf, just bread and butter there or a baguette my dad my dad used to come home from work every day he used to come home from work he used to get back about seven and he had like you know in the tin wholemeal loaves that you had to cut

yourself and i remember like it probably wasn't that big in real life but because i was like six seven years old i used to just follow him in and he came in in a mood his job was like hard he was a civil engineer i think he dealt with a lot of shit he used to get back late and he'd come in and he wasn't like hey i'm home it was like and then he cut a wedge of fucking wholemeal bread out and like empty a quarter of a like a tub of fl flour onto it and just stand in the kitchen, just contemplating life. It's one of the weirdest memories from my childhood. Something about just bread and butter

for the easiest fucking fix. It's not good for you. We had bread and butter on the table every night for dinner. Which is mad, isn't it? Every night, my mum would do a fucking plate of some type of bread covered in butter with whatever meal we had. Because it's cheap and it fills you up.

Yeah. No, no, no. Like she'd also do a full meal. It wasn't even bread for tea. No. No, but- We'd have like a spaghetti bolognese and it'd be a fucking massive portion

and there would be a bowl that was like a full baguette or two cut up, covered in butter. Yeah, 100%. Oh, I want it now. Yeah. Oh, I miss carbs. That's a working class thing, isn't it? Like, you know, fill up. And that's cheap as fuck.

I had lasagna butty. I had a lasagna, and he was breathing, and he was like, I want to make a lasagna butty. So much stuff is made better by butty, isn't it? Like, one of my favourite things to do with a roast dinner

is to make a roast spud butty. A perfect roast spud, smashed up, loads of salt and pepper. When's break time? I'm fucking hungry now. Damn! Do you like House of the Dragon, Dan?

Tell you what I tried to do. I tried to... I tried to raw dog it. I tried to raw dog it without a recap. What? And they're just like, oh, fucking Jim Targaryen and daenerys fucking bell bellbroom i mean like oh god college football players i've forgotten there's so many names and and what

house of dragon did because they they what did they used to say about the wire they're like it's not for it's for like professional watchers they don't dumb it down for like what it's not dumb down for people who are just grazing no exposition they're like this is proper what like purists with it watch it properly and we don't have to dumb it down so the people with fucking brains who are concentrating go wow it's an incredible story and house of the dragon just went cool you'll remember exactly where we left off two years ago bang and they were back in and what happens is with all of the house of dragon and game of thrones stuff there's a lot of like palace intrigue and this is happening that's happening

and you're just going god you nothing's happening and at the end they're like hey do you know the worst thing that could happen in this scene and you're like oh yeah i remember why it's fucking we were 11 minutes in i was like i I don't know any of these people. So we had to watch a 20 minute recap. Was it by the American guy with the worst voice in the world? Oh, by the boat? No, I watched a 10 minute recap and he was like, and then this is what happened.

And it's that quick. It's chop, chop, chop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it does catch you up. Yeah, it got me a bit anxious though. As I was watching it, I was like, Adam would fucking hate this. Fucking dragons have never existed.

I don't like that goth shit, usually. Always with the goth. It is the only thing. Dragons are goth. I know they are, actually, as I'm saying it out loud. I know what you mean. But I would think about being a goth if you got a dragon with it as well. Look at him drinking Monster Skateboarding with his dragon.

Yeah, but it's good, isn't it? There bullying at the end with this wow that's it bad thing everything bad thing what what have you what's ruined there what do you mean what what what's this you're not going to watch it oh talking about your oh my god are real? Oh, this isn't about me or my fucking diet. This isn't about running or Nashville or country music. We have to do this all the time for you. No, you don't. I don't ever talk to you about anything you don't want to hear about. No.

Oh, my God. That is the most Adam Rowe thing ever. Yeah, this is all fucking great. I'm telling you about me. What's this? Not watched it? No interest? Shite.

Cut that out. That's going out anyway golf golf it is really good i have got two new lifelong dreams we're back he's in it is lifelong you've had them for your life or they're now going to be lifelong whatever you want right two things don't change don't change adam don't change i don't want you to it would be so awful if we actually bad you do enough into getting an adhd diagnosis and then you were like you have taken the medication and he just how bad would it be if you just turn up with all right everything's sound in it wow dragons sounds really good i want this this is

what i want i am thinking of getting some adhd medication don't do it don't do it because i'll steal it i'm a smackhead but it's like ritalin the american one no because he's not a fucking child from the 1980s i think things have advanced do you know uh yesterday morning i went out of my bedroom to go for a poo and genuinely ended up in the shop. Now I didn't live in the shop, right? What? The shop's quite a bit away as well. So I was like, oh, I need to go to the toilet. It was Harrods. That's how bad the ADHD is.

I got up, I went out of my bedroom, and Jack's dog, Petty, was near all my shoes, which are in the hallway. What a dream house. I was like, Pez, come here, get away. And he's like jumping all over me, and I was like, oh, he's a good boy. and then i looked at my shoes and i was like i could put my shoes on and go to the shop and i went to shop when i was in the shop i was like i literally came out my bedroom for a shite the carnivore diet must be doing incredible things to you no i still

needed a shite yeah but not like evacuation style like usual no that like that's not every poo the shop must shit itself now that you turn up oh my god we're gonna run out of chicken again he's here again fucking meat boy right yeah don't but don't because it right it'll regulate you and then who knows what we've got yeah just a really mild-mannered adam rowe i can't be going for a poo and ending up in the co-op, Dan. It's not that bad. Unless you poo in the co-op and then it's really frowned upon. Lifelong dreams.

Okay, so I'm going to swap my car in a couple of months once I've sorted a few things out. What do you want? A Ford Ranger. I thought you wanted a Bronco. Yeah, they're too expensive for the ones I want.

That was last week's lifelong dream. No, that is still my lifelong dream. I still want one a Bronco. Yeah, it's too expensive for the ones I want. That was last week's lifelong dream. No, that is still my lifelong dream. I still want one of them eventually. But for now, I want a Ford. It's a good mid-ground. Oh, yeah, it's a pickup truck. It is a pickup truck. Yep.

What's wrong? What are you putting in the back? Dress for the lumber that you want to jack. Just think about how much fun we can have when we go on road trips if I've got that car. He is quite right there. Yeah. You're always going on road trips, aren't you?

No, but we don't go on road trips because I haven't got a pickup truck. That's totally good. And also, like, a brand new one of them is about 10 grand more than what my car is worth now. Which is worth more than it was three weeks ago because it's going up in value appreciating yeah no i checked it last night so a brand new one of them top spec built brand new which i wouldn't buy i'd go and get one that's

got 20 000 miles on it or whatever is about 10 grand more than what i could sell my car for and i own so yeah i'm getting a new car as well but i won't talk about it because i want to tell you thunder but yeah pickup truck i just think it's a cool one mine into the ground like everyone else yeah what color yellow no jet black everything um and also you know i told you i was going to go to austin in october he's driving there what you're driving there in the road road trip i I'm going to time it because our new lifelong dream is I want to go to a Texas Longhorns game. The University of Texas?

Their football team. He wants to meet Matthew McConaughey. My lifelong actual dream is to bump into Matthew McConaughey and for him to realise we're actually two peas in a pod. Shout out Chris Sims. Right.

Okay, cool. I'd like to come. That'd be good. When are you going to Austin? October. Oh, I need more time. I think that's what we can. Go to Austin.

I need more time. Why? Just to book things in. Laura's sound with stuff, but it just needs to be in the future. So she's like, that's not real. It's not far enough in the future.

What do you mean? When is it? October. Yeah, I know. It's not far enough in the future. I've got stuff to do I know that's not in the future she's got four months

to calm down hasn't she yeah yeah yeah she's never said no to anything she even said yes to going to fucking Nashville the last time I thought

she was going to say no exactly so what are you worried about no it's me you are right Dan yeah I would like to it sounds like a great trip

come on yeah I can't wait for you to have a great trip. Come on. Yeah. I can't wait for you to have a pickup truck and have the most random shite in the back. Your shoes. Tell me another wardrobe. Imagine putting a big mattress in the back of that and just having a little nap under a sunset in the autumn.

Having to bug a Romanian lady to clean your boot. What, when it's pissed down for the three weeks previous and it's soft and wet in the back? Can't you get someone to clean it? There you go. Finn, I've got a question. For me. And this is a screech.

Best question, then. There's a dad on the school run and my man stinks of weed. Oh, right. Okay, right. He like it's he smells of that's that's mary jane pot yeah it's not very courteous that ganja what's the question what the fuck is he doing he's smoking weed is he blazing up yeah he's bunning suits at 8 2020 a.m. He's waking and baking. He's waking and baking and then having to wake the kids

and get them dressed and then go to school to drop them off. Some people get addicted to pot and they need it constantly. Or he sells drugs. What? He might be a drug seller. Or. Well, I don't think he is that. I think he's just waking and baking.

Wow. Or maybe he's part of, like, a group of people who are trying to catch corrupt cops for entrapment. So he's waiting for a cop to smell him and go, you're Bun and Zoot's arrested. Takes him to prison, right? And it turns out he's just been spraying weed based aftershave on himself.

That cop gets done for planting evidence and they're just trying to sting Officer fucking Belland. Maybe he's trying to bring down some of the pig scum who are undercover cops at the school drop-off in Sorghum. Which you sound like, by the way. Listen, no judgment. Maybe he's literally going in front of you, so you'll do it on this massive podcast.

And then the cops will get sort of wind of it. And then they'll be like, right, we're going to go to Dan's school, find this man who's bunning zoots. If he stinks of weed, he must be doing, you know, fucking astronomical levels of it. We need to go and find this bunner. Bunner?

What are they? I can't wrap my head around it because the idea of having to deal with a school drop-off high on weed is such a fucking nightmare. He's not high though, is he? If he's doing it all day, every day, he's not high. He's just basically coming up to zero, isn't he? Yeah. That's his base level.

Oh, my God. That would be my worst nightmare. The head teacher's like, can I just have a word? And you're like... Horrific. But that's you. That's what you're imagining. What can you do when you're boned up?

Me, personally? Yeah. Pretty much anything. Yeah. No. He's at zero, isn't he? Finn smokes because he's at minus 500. I'm not.

Yeah. Wouldn't that be your worst nightmare? I'm like bum tortured in the Afghan mountains. Oh, I don't want to do that on the school drop off. No, no, no. That's what I say to Laura. I hope I don't get, you know, kidnapped and taken to the Afghan mountains and bummed to death. And she's like, just probably just take an umbrella.

Imagine waking up and there's a snake in your bed later, but the door's locked. Right. And it can talk. No, okay. I'm going to bite your head off, you little cunt. You're absolutely right. There is a list of things worse.

Getting shot in the back of the head. Trapped in this conversation for too long. Yeah. But to me being, to be stoned. Oh my God. I don't know how anyone does it. Imagine someone lighting your bollocks on fire.

Yeah, worse. Can you imagine eating a bowl of cornflakes at the bottom? There's just loads of slugs. Would you keep eating? No, you haven't noticed. Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What if they didn't taste any different? Imagine putting your nachos in the oven,

but you've run out of gas or electricity, and you go and check it 20 minutes later, and your dinner's not ready, but you're starving. Totally. Run out of gas. Imagine getting fisted against your will. Worse. I'm going to put that.

That's worse than the nachos. Imagine Wofford getting beat. 1-0. That happens regularly. I'm dealing with that. Still not as bad as an Afghan mountain bumming. Imagine waking up and your cock's falling off. I'm not with that. Still not as bad as an Afghan mountain bumming. Imagine waking up and your cock's falling off. I'm not far off.

Imagine having the teeth dream, but it was real. That's happening. Go on. What? Is this just nightmare tennis? Yeah. Imagine I had to come up and go, so I hit you, you big twat.

That was so real. Yeah. That'd be bad. All worse stone stone though. Imagine Laura left you for a little person. I'd be fine with that. No, you wouldn't be fine if she'd left you. No, I'd be like, this is great.

This is better actually. This is, you know, representation. Imagine Laura left you for seven little people. That would be a little on the nose. I was like, why didn't you just audition for Panto? You could have lived out this fantasy.

Because I don't fancy Les Lennox or Rae Quinn. She's a fool. They're the only two. Yeah, these are worse. Imagine getting home later and it was just loads of fellas just absolutely bumming

your wife's head off. How many? 14. Have they taken the shoes off on the carpet? No. Oh my God. Nightmare.

Oh, you're messing with my mind. You've all got rugby boots on. You've been playing. Oh, I'd go. And they weren't. Fucking skits. I say get out of my wife. Imagine you were just about

to start watching The Sixth Sense and you didn't know what was going on and then someone was like Bruce Willis is a a ghost right so she's laughing awful yeah horrific so yeah you have yourself lucky so don't smoke weed kids oh no sorry do smoke weed because it's fine because there's loads of other stuff yeah go to a parent's evening on crack. Who cares? It's in the top 1% of things, though. Definitely. Can't imagine it. Let's have a break.

I need to have a little think. What about? All that awful stuff. So we've revisited our Deadpool in the break. Harry's got our Deadpool. I just want to know who everyone's got because I've lost track of it in my head.

Has anyone got any points yet? Not that I know of. Does anyone remember? Do you remember any of the ones that you Harvey Weinstein definitely.

So you had Harvey Weinstein, Dan. You also had Elton John. Oh no. And Kanye West. Oh no. I remember all of

them. He's a mad cunt. Yeah. He was my under 30s. Under 50s. Who were yours then? Kanye West oh no I remember all of mine I think he's a mad cunt yeah he was my was he my under 30s under 50s oh under 50s who were yours then

mine was Bernie Eccleston yep Rupert Murdoch and Elon Musk yep yep wow what were mine

yours was Trevor McDonald rest in peace Angela Lansbury she's already there they'll have to change her oh yeah and Charlie Sheen yeah I had to change Angela Lansbury I had to change to change it oh yeah and uh charlie sheen yeah i

had to change and the laundry change the something else so that is updating i did mention on a patreon comment below we're changing to please thank you um and who am i uh he was a bill cosby yeah anthony hopkins yeah and that's horrible and viola davis i think they're fucking decent bets you know Viola Davis is she under 50 eh Viola Davis it's under 60 isn't it it's under 60 I think she's like 59

but also like I just you know you get a feeling sometimes she's in a show called How To Get Away With Murder yeah

pop pop did who did that Kanye I still think it's a decent bet no he's he's gone off track again hasn't he like he's gone off grid it's a decent bet no he's he's gone off track again hasn't he he's gone off grid

he's not really oh is he have you heard from him the last three four months I don't know like I thought he was gonna be running for president

did that last four and a half minutes he got votes last time he will always get votes he'll never get any yeah just for the fuck you of it register to vote please

everyone we were just talking about it's too late oh what has it got him please vote you've never got any just for the fuck you of it register to vote please everyone we were just talking about is it gone? please vote go and vote let's kick the tour out shall we do some Cam Alto

says this is a possible new feature lads question what do you think is an invention that doesn't get enough credit for me the thumbnails on Pornhub that scroll through the video

are up there with the light bulb and penicillin yeah I have to say I don't think they're quite up there with the light bulb I am allergic to penicillin so I actually put this above penicillin

wow you allergic to penicillin yeah we actually put this above penicillin. Wow. You're allergic to penicillin? Yeah. We should know that. Why? We go and do mad shit. What, like eat penicillin? No, I mean... The penicillin podcast challenge. Isn't that something you should know if my man gets injured?

It should be on an insurance form. Which he's definitely filled out. I died in my dad's arms for a bit i actually went for a poo yeah i died i was just like in my dad's arms and i was a baby and it's because he'd give me penicillin like and i got to the hospital they pumped me stomach as a little baby and they went don't be giving him any more penicillin like so you've been dead, it's a very sad story

but it's a little bit more playful, I don't think I was dead I think I was just like out like I would have died if I had time to consume it all but it was slimming, don't make him say it in his normal voice, you see the kid who got sentenced to death and then he couldn't do it, like he tried

to do the injection and he survived and he's like right that's it you've tried like I should be innocent I should be free now you've tried to kill me and failed

no it's not that's not how it works though is it you're sentenced to death it's not sentenced to one attempt on your life you're sentenced to attempted murder

you tried that you missed a vein I'm fucking sound off I go killing but he is right he's a vader but he did end up getting sentenced to death properly but he did make that argument You tried that. You missed a vein. I'm fucking sound. Off I go, killing. But he is right. He's Aveda, but he did end up getting sentenced to death properly,

but he did make that argument and his lawyer did take it to court. And I actually think it's a good argument. It just didn't work. Yeah. I don't think it's a great argument. I can see why. It took longer than,

like this has took to dismiss it. Like the judge was like, I don't know. Yeah. Like they have administered like the lethal injection. Cause you're. The judge was like, I don't know. They have administered the lethal injection. Because you're not... You're sentenced to death by lethal injection. The lethal injection didn't work

and it wouldn't work again. I think they had to do something else. They had to just blow his head off. Yeah. It's old school. He's dead in the Afghan mountains. Oh, God. There's not many worse things than that.

And he wasn't high. Right. I didn't know that that was the case. I thought you were sentenced to death. Is that like Adam's living his second life right now? That's like,

oh, you were sentenced to prison but you ran off. So, fair dues. No. You're sentenced to prison but we released you. Oh, we've made a mistake. Come back.

That's happened before. Yeah, of course it has. If you run off and you're like, I didn't get me in prison. No, not run off. No, they failed to kill him. It's like failing

to imprison him. So it's like they're going, right, you're sentenced to life in prison and then they just take him to dovey park and go we've left him in dovey park to then go and find the prison he was meant to be in we keep doing this with murder murderers just and then they end up at school at cardinal heenan loads of them right i didn't i didn't know that was the the low but he did actually just he got yeah they got him he got murked he wasn't getting off

on a technicality he was probably a horrible man wasn't he right can you pull up the best inventions of all time

please buttons what buttons are you going as basic as buttons I think they don't get you don't even think

about them do you you just take buttons for granted they don't get the respect zips zips and buttons it's come up with of the 21st century is that any good You don't even think about them, do you? You just take buttons for granted? You don't get the respect you deserve? Zips. Zips and buttons. It's come up with of the 21st century.

Is that any good? Yeah, we'll go with that. Okay. So the first one, it says it's cryptocurrency. Oh, my God. We've never spoken about that, and we never will, by the way, if you're listening. You're all goths.

Crypto-goths. I was going to come back to that. We're all billionaires on Bitcoin because it crashes and we all just buy a little bit and it goes through the roof. But I wouldn't buy it. That's the thing. It crashed just before the COVID thing, didn't it? What?

It's crashing. Yeah, but from what? $67,000 a Bitcoin. Because at one point it was three and a half grand and I nearly went, I might try one. But I'd have sold it at 15 because I'd have gone, oh, it's not going to get much better than this. And then it goes up to 50.

What's next, then? Social media. One of the worst inventions ever. Horrific invention. It's ruining us as a people. Because we can't control it. I mean, it's not actually horrific unless you fuck it up for yourself.

It's like saying heroin's not horrific unless you fuck it up for yourself. Yeah, but that's the point, isn't it? So was heroin a good thing then? No, heroin is just a little bit, you know, for the school run. Yeah. Keith Richards has been on it for years. A little bit of heroin.

It must be good. People are dead into it. That doesn't make it good, does it? Doesn't make it a good thing? Did you see the YouTuber do it? Well, knives are good. Knives are good, aren't they? Great for cooking.

You know, merc someone. You're like, these knives, they're a nightmare. Should never have been invented. But they're dead useful, you know,

for cucumbers. I'd use a mandolin. What, to cook cucumbers? Let's play some music while you're cooking. The next one. Did you just win a bet by mentioning mandolins?

No. That was so hard. You know what a mandolin is though i've played one badly no for veg and fruit oh i thought you meant the instrument it's a little like slice i think all right one of the most dangerous in the kitchen artificial organs i'm always thinking about them. Quite underrated. Where's my robot dick? What I think is quite an underrated invention is planes. I've heard of planes. Because you never, again, we all just take it for granted that you can just get on a plane and go somewhere.

And I think they might be the most commonly used thing that almost nobody who uses it knows how it works. Yeah. But every time I turn on the light switch, I'm like, I couldn't even, like... I couldn't do anything. I couldn't make this

t-shirt. It's a metal tube that flies dead fast in the sky. And most of the time... And we all bitch about it. It's fucking awful. 20 minute delay this cunt bollocks

airports are great by the way oh my god are you explaining how I'll have to save my own life you're fucking boring can you take your earphones out please and everyone concentrate this is gonna come down from there

you terrible death I've watched that I've been a part of that over a hundred times I couldn't tell you what I'm meant to do all I know is that there's exits and they might be behind me. I'm pretty sure something drops in front of you,

you start punching wildly and just run for a door. Masks shut down. You have to put your own one on before you save your children. No, don't put masks on kids. That's what I get from it. No, but you haven't got kids, so definitely don't put masks on kids. So are we going for like...

That was a very niche one, the example. Is that the aim? It's so perfect. Yeah. Because one little thumbnail of a porn vid can really mislead you. When you've seen like eight in a row,

you're like, I've got an idea of where that's going. Yeah, do you all look great in the thumbnail? Do you not all look great in the video? I know it's been said on social media before,

but when Apple did the thing where it gives you your code and you don't have to type it in. Yeah. That's unbelievable. It's now an email as well. code and you don't have to type it in. That's unbelievable. It's now an email as well. Yes, I do. Yes, I do.

It's not just Apple. Go fuck yourself. Also, I don't work for Android. Stop having to fucking go at me. I've just got a different phone from you. It still works. It does that thing. It's like, hey, you need a code.

Oh, there it is. I'll just use it. It's come through to your phone. Well, Android's catching up. Apple are better, by the way. Oh, yeah, they're 100%. Android are doing well. It's come through to your phone. Well, Android's catching up. Apple are better, by the way. Oh yeah, they're 100%. Android are doing well, they're catching up to Apple now. Yeah.

That's great. I don't give a fuck. I'm acting like I give a fuck. I'll give you that. Fuck you and fuck you. Listen, hey, I'm not even racking up, okay? I'm not even doing anything. That's why it's been being stoned.

And it does do the same stuff, does the same stuff. I'm trying to be clear. I don't care. That's why it's been being stoned. And it does do the same stuff. It does the same stuff. I want to be clear. I don't care. So it's mad. One day you're going to get an iPhone and you're going to go. No, he won't. He's one of them fucking nerds

who will just die on his hill. I hate you, cunts. I mean, I love you, but God, I hate you. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. It was a good one. Artificial organs.

VR. Virtual reality. VAR. They're all just a bit fucking on the nose, aren't they? Yeah, give us something that's like, oh, well-meaning. Like rugs. When were they invented, Carl?

Don't know, back in the Turkish times. But they're good for your feet. The Turkish times, when Turks existed. Yeah. All right. Those are the days. Give us a good one. What?

What's not good? Go on, Carl. The vacuum cleaner. 21st century. Mine's broke right now. Yeah. No, is it? 20th?

Hang on. We've gone to 20th because we're complaining about the 20 right okay I thought you were saying there was no oevers in the 90s then automatic monkey song by the way there were no oevers

in the 90s if there wasn't my mum was making a weird sound there was no oevers in the 90s brush round the house yeah

that's what I'm having to do my mum used to broom while she was brooming I'm having to brush my house clean right now because my oevers bro I actually knocked next door

on Lent Thursday because it annoyed me that much I need to buy a new one I'm just being lazy right house clean right now because of my hoovers, bro. I actually knocked next door and lent theirs today because it annoyed me that much. I need to buy a new one. I'm just being lazy. Right. What a Dyson. Fucking bro. Fuck you, Dyson.

Why don't you fix it? What? Why don't you fix it? How do you fix a Dyson? You pull it apart and see what's wrong with it. How do you know what's wrong with it? Because sometimes you open it and it'll be broken a bit

and you just go, tie that together. There you go. How many hoovers have you fixed on them in your life? Two. Okay. You fixed a broken hoover? Yeah, I've had a hoover that has stopped working and I've made it work again, yeah.

And what was the diagnosis? One of them, the fuse was broke. Oh. In the plug. That's fair enough. No, in the... In the plug? That's fair enough. No, in the... In the wire. The boxy bit.

In the boxy bit. There you go. And another one needed a new filter. I've changed the filter. There you go. So, two hoovers. Retract this. I thought you'd be a buy a new hoover kind of guy.

No. Hoovers are expensive. They are, so I haven't bought a new one yet. of guy no it was an expensive they are so i haven't bought a new one yet stupidly expensive so that should just be in your house go shark go shark there should always be an over in your house even if it's like you've just bought it there should be an over there sharks the new dawn that's great i hate the shark that i've got it's too big and it's too heavy it's just shite dyson's the way he made. And he made these. Woo! Yeah. There's new ones, isn't there? There is. Andy Jones says,

who do you think is the most unusual celebrity that someone has an item of clothing from? Do you think it's feasible that someone out there owns something like a Hugh Edwards scarf or a pair of Michael Barrymore swimming shorts? There's some young girls who own Hugh Edwards on these. Probably. And famously, no one wears swimming shorts in Michael Barrymore's swimming shorts. There's some young girls who own Hugh Edwards undies. Probably. And famously, no one wears swimming shorts in Michael Barrymore's pool.

I think they might have done before the incident. Certainly after. Do you wear jeans now? You're not getting near me, you son. He's going for the swim. Why don't you take your jeans off? I'm not fucking soft, me son. Just going for the swim. Why don't you take your jeans off? I'm not fucking soft, me mate. Once bitten, mate.

Do that again. What, is there any item that you would, that you would place importance on? Like, like a piece of clothing that, like a Jurgen Klopp signed hat or something like that. Anything? If he'd like that. Anything. If he'd worn it. Yeah.

And it was definitely signed by him. What, is there anything that you'd put, like, I know you'd have like Liam Gallagher's fucking dental floss or something, wouldn't you? Because he's famous for it. I'd use my clothing.

He wears it. He's always wearing it out. I'd love a Liam Parker. Yeah. Yeah. That'd be class. Oh, actually owned by the big man himself. If he wore it, yeah.

A Luke Combs mechanic shirt. Signed. Love one of them. Paul McCartney's dentures. Do you want it signed though? Because you can't wear it then. I wouldn't want to wear it. I really don't.

He's about seven sizes bigger than me as well. Yeah, he is. I could camp in it. Yeah. It's definitely for collectors isn't it rather than like that's a lovely shirt Luke

right he wears a lot of like straw cowboy hats I can't think of anybody who I don't know who you give a fuck about that much so what

own the clothes a footballer messy his shirt yeah but I don't think you can take I think when it comes to sports that's just so obvious in it like any sort of sportsman's like the thing they actually wear for the game but would you like like

you know like messi's bow tie from like a ballon d'or yeah and he won yeah yeah that's cool as fuck i mean like the the shirts are fucking you can't that doesn't count does it that's a good one that like props in films and like the actual costume worn in films. James Bond's tux. Something like that. The cane from Citizen Kane. Must be massive. The gimp suit from Pulp Fiction. That'd be great.

I've just got that joke. There's a lot of Simpsons joke in there and they're fucking bap, bap. Easy. Something Simpsons but it's cartoons, isn't it? Like Mac Granin's

bills or something. I don't know. Ross's Spudnik costume from Friends. Oh, yeah. That has to be for sale, doesn't it? Or someone just from... It's probably from a props department. It probably didn't mean much back then, did it?

Do you think Friends is to the point where they could open a museum? Like, I reckon in New York... They do Friends Fest around the world sort of a few times a year. It's probably coming up. Actually, it's normally like August, September that it's over here. And this might be the first year I actually finally get to go. We're going.

I think it might be the most popular one. Huh? I think it might be the most popular one ever. Which this year? Because Matthew Perry died. Oh shit, yeah.

I think that adds something to stuff like that. Yeah. It's back in the zeitgeist. And what they do is they essentially rebuild the set in different cities around the world

and people go and... You know like you can do the Harry Potter tour in Wofford? Yeah. it's like that but they tore it i've just googled like buy friends props and the one i've found um is a kettle from central perk that was used on screen with a certificate of authentication and that is 655 pounds see i just that's not i'm the last about that but watching the episode and seeing your kettle get used it'd be sick that would be funny yeah that'd be cool something that you can see in action would be cool what talk me through an authenticator do they is there a guy just sat with loads of DVDs and he gets the kettle through and goes, I don't know about this.

Watches it and goes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Seems legit. Well, what you've done here, Dan, is you've mistakenly assumed that I know more than you on this. I know, but I'm playing the dum-dum, so you go with the reason. I'd probably have got a receipt from it. Like, yeah, it was used in this set and this is...

Yeah, you need to find out where it's come from. Have you ever watched that... Pawn Stars. watched that Pawn Stars is it Pawn Stars that we're called yeah like in America where the fellas like

love the clips and they bring stuff in and he's like I've got to get me mate John he's an expert in fucking and it's not set up at all he's just like yeah yeah

he'll be in in 20 minutes yeah the world's number one expert on coins he's only 15 minutes away oh this is interesting a 17th century gun. I'll ring Barry.

See you in 10. Yeah, let's bring coffee forward. I love guns, mate. I like the kid who buys trainers, checks for authenticity by just fucking twatting them loads. Like, and then it gets in an argument with someone who's got a job.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He works in like a cash kick style place. How do you record yourself from behind? Yeah, yeah, I've seen it. And people. He works in like a cash kick style place. And he records himself from behind. Yeah. Yeah, I've seen it. And people come in and they're like, oh, where'd you get these from?

And they're like, oh, I just got them when they went on sale. And then he just goes, nope, got them from China. He knows them instantly, doesn't he? And then he tries to play them,

doesn't he? And they're like, oh, he's like, sometimes you won't tell them, or will you? He'll just go, I'm not buying them today. Sometimes he won't say the thing.

Great when it gets eggy. Yeah. But I love the fact he can tell a a fucking Jordan by just like did you see the guy in the States who went to sell his shoes

and he was going like he was offering him like 200 and he went no it's not enough and he went do the thing where they flip a coin so they go

if I win it's 100 if you win it's 300 do you want to flip the coin and he goes yeah flips the coin the guy in the shop wins and the guy goes no no no and he goes fuck off and takes him off and he goes, yeah. Flips the coin. The guy in the shop wins. And the guy goes, no, no, no.

And he goes, fuck off and takes them off. And he goes, no, $100 and we're done. He goes, I'm never coming back here ever again. And he's like, you agreed to it? The worst type of shit bag to agree to the coin flip. And then when he lost, he tried to grab them. And the guy went, no, no, no, you lost. If you do that thing where you're like,

well, what are we doing now? Where are we going for food? Let's let the coin decide. If you do the coin, if you flip the coin and then don't do what the coin says what is your life about it's a good way to get women to decide what they want to eat though yeah you give them two options and you know the option they want and you offer them the other one and they go oh no

actually and you know it's the other one because they're always lying I don't know where where women took a fucking spank there. Let's do some advice. That doesn't have to, my head in. Izzy says, do you know every time on that when you laugh, I think you're laughing in the room?

Yeah, I do as well. And also that isn't the advice jingle, but you know, we'll let you know. Oh my God. Sorry, it's green can i just keep it as that yeah it was better right i love that jingle that's the best jingle it is what one is it um so izzy says you know advice really does my head in you see it makes sense yeah uh wag wag lids i need you to have a word with my brother's girlfriend's dad

hang on brother's girlfriend's dad my brother and his girlfriend have been away in spain for the best part of a year now and are moving back home in a few weeks we'd arranged a surprise welcome home party for them for when they get back and my mum was very excited about planning it when the girlfriend's dad heard about the party he told her about it spoiled the surprise because he said, and this is a quote, surprise parties are embarrassing and for children and simple people. And it's one of the worst, he said, it's one of the worst things you can do to someone.

Well, I mean, we've got a list. So many worse things. Should I be in the Afghan mountains? Put him in the Afghan mountains, set his bollocks on fire and send a load of little people to shag his wife. Have a word with him for being a miserable, crusty clique. Can I have a surprise party, please? A surprise party please a surprise butt fuck party that's bad people don't like them how are you with surprise parties i've never had one i've never

had one but you're so welcome to plan one for me i would i'd probably be really really really happy as long as i was in the right mood for it and i usually am you would you normally would be in the mood for it because it would be like your birthday or something wouldn't it that's not a surprise it is it isn't because I'm half expecting it

ah yeah a surprise birthday party would be on Christmas day that would be I've already got I'm already busy that's what they do in friends they throw Rachel

a surprise birthday party like three months before her birthday and they're like so it's a proper surprise and you also you still get to enjoy the party. Everyone's there for you.

And you have to have your birthday as well. That's well better. Should we just throw you a random party? Let's do it. Why is Carl getting it? I want it. It's Carl Day. No, do it.

It's either one Carl Day. What? We both have it. It's a joint party. Nah, I don't need that. You said they're having seven weddings. And a funeral. You want a surprise wedding

I'm having one I don't know when it is or when it is yeah Izzy he's an absolute gobshite

and a miserable fucker and will not shouldn't be told about anything from here on in would you be happy if we surprised you

because you wouldn't you have done on Dan Day we kind of threw you on, yeah. You booked a trampoline. Yes, it was a fancy castle. And a rodeo ball. Oh, sorry, yeah.

You've been buying trampolines now? I bought my own trampoline. Saddest day of my life. It was called a jumpoline to your market, wasn't it? Whoa, bro. Was that a Simpsons joke? No. I'd love it.

Have you ever had one? I think it's great fun you have an ad one i think once when i i was in a shared house in manchester it was my birthday we went out i was going out with a fay who i never stopped talking about oh my god again six three or four of us went out and by the time we got back there was a party on and they were like oh this is for you that was cool but and i didn't say at the time we'd had a few of those parties in like the six months a year and it was the worst of the parties right because they'd gone these parties are fucking great we should do one for dan's birthday so i was very grateful and it was lovely to do drugs uh i did yeah it was in the head nice have drugs? I did, yeah. It was in the hair day.

Nice. Have you ever had one now? No, I don't think so. My mum was trying to plan me one for me GCSE results, but they couldn't get my phone off me to get the numbers to invite all my friends, so she had to just tell me so I could invite people. It rings true. Yeah.

Sam Jackson says, have a word with my mate Mason at work. We were chatting about great films to watch the other day. I mentioned one he hasn't seen and he said he would give it a go, but as he only had an hour, he'd watch it at 1.5 speed with subtitles so he could fit it in.

He regularly does this when watching Netflix. Please sort out this 1.5 speed pedophile. Piper's family off the face of the earth. How's he managed to be worse than the first cunt? And the first one was a cunt, by the way. What's he doing? I don't even listen to WhatsApp voice notes at 1.5. I do sometimes.

I listen to most on two, by the way. Yeah, you are a slow speaker for a scouser to listen to. I listen to everything. All right, lad. Yes, hello, friend. So what we need to do today is we need to start having content meetings on a Monday. Like, listen.

Oh, that is an anger of his. I listen to most people. This is a major voice note about a bit. This is the one you're bringing up. It's a really important voice note that I sent and went, hey, give this a listen to. Then I had to wait for him

to comment some absolute bollocks about nothing to go, Adam, can you listen to that thing? Oh, fuck, I'm still a bit pissed from last night. Yeah, I think we're going to end up there at the same time, so see you shortly.

Oh, I sound like I'm on a comedown. I'm still a bit pissed from last night. You are? Yeah, I think we're going to end up there at the same time, so see you shortly. Oh, I sound like I'm on a comedown. I'm still a bit pissed from last night. You are? Yeah, I think we're going to end up there at the same time, so see you shortly. That's 1.5. That's how most people speak. What?

No, it's not. Yeah. Yeah, I think we're going to end up there at the same time, so see you shortly. No, that's how scared people speak. If I started... What the fuck are you talking about

Adam eat there at the same time that was slower than that why would you why would you want that so I can not be listening to it anymore

but I still have the information right but this it sounds it just I just don't enjoy it this guy you're watching something

to enjoy it it's like getting a lovely meal and then just not chewing it. Just wolfing it down. Yeah? What are you doing? What are you watching it for? You're supposed to watch all films and everything exactly how the director wanted you to watch it.

It's why directors hate that everything's going straight to Netflix and stuff because films are designed to be seen in a cinema, in a dark room with no other distractions. It's ruining the film industry. It's great that you haven't seen Interstellar yet. Yeah, I'm going to wait. But you're waiting for it because I didn't see it in the cinema.

I've seen it five times on my telly and I'm going to the cinema to watch it. I wonder if I'll meet Matthew McConaughey before I see it. That'd be cool if I'm watching me mate in Interstellar. Do you think at Texas into someone do you think at Texas University everyone

do you think he's doing a meet and greet for everyone coming in no me right he'd be like he goes to every game now

yeah there's 70,000 people at the game so right so totally catch wind won't he oh Adam Rowe's coming

that's his character the voice was good he is cool isn't he I think he's fucking batshit Adam Rowe's coming. That's his character. The voice was good. He is cool, isn't he? I think he's fucking batshit. What? Don't think he's that cool. I think he's a little guy.

Matthew McConaughey is probably a bit of a tit. He's an incredible actor. Yep. Didn't say he wasn't. Have you listened to any interviews or anything with him? He's amazing. I've seen him on stuff and it's like he's not quite with it. No, it isn't.

No, it's like he's really fucking with it. Really? He's fucking watching you. I've seen a bad interview of him then where he was just a bit self-aware and cringy. Oh, really? I think he seems... I'd love to kiss him. I think he's so handsome.

I'd love to kiss him. He's so down to earth and chiseled. He kisses everyone that goes to Texas U. he's so down to earth and chiseled he kisses everyone that goes to Texas U you haven't seen Interstellar is one of the best films ever made I think he's brilliant

I've loved so many of his films I just thought he seemed a bit away with the fairies he's my idol mate lifelong? no genuinely no since 10am it's like the life I want idol mate lifelong yeah no genuinely no last few weeks since 10am

have you seen his Instagram it's just for it's like the life I want do you know what I mean yeah he is basically living Adam's wet dream

look at this cowboys and pussy genuinely like look at the face bitch by the way he's a cowboy with a woman

he doesn't even know he just went up and kissed her on the forehead right so it's good for you face bitch by the way he's a cowboy with a woman he doesn't even know he just went up and kissed her on the forehead right so it's good for you don't listen to this

Adam is go look up Matthew McConaughey's Instagram and play along to be fair he's playing golf with his dick out yeah

I mean he's surfing you know I like the idea of surfing playing tennis just looking at New York City taking a native Indian woman hostage You know, I like the idea of surfing. Playing tennis. Just looking at New York City. Taking a native Indian woman hostage.

Wearing a cowboy hat. Looking shredded. Eating chicken. Doing death poos. Yeah. Closing hot water. Class. Yeah, yeah. It's the life you want, isn't it?

Going to Liverpool, going. He'd be a Liverpool fan as well that's a fact oh yeah watch it I was meant to be watched subtitles are okay but

speeding up that's awful and the other cunt by the way saying surprise party maybe you think that maybe not everyone else does though it wasn't a surprise party for you

suck your mum I think this was meant as a have a word but I'm not I'm not doing it as a have a word because I think it's brilliant. Wag wag, I'm a delivery driver. While I was delivering to a house, there was a sign on the front door saying,

this is not a hedgehog sanctuary. And all the women answered the door, answered the door. And all the women answered the door. And I had to ask why they had a sign on the door. Turns out her daughter broke up with her boyfriend and he took it terribly. He went on the internet and put their house

as a hedgehog sanctuary for injured hedgehogs. Over a period of six months, they had people bringing half-dead injured hedgehogs to their house all times, day and night. I think it is the most Carl thing I've ever heard. That's wonderful. No one's having a word with anyone here because it's genius.

It's class. Yeah, also, you get to play with hedgehogs. Play? Win-win. Yeah. I'd love if someone looked at my dome and, is there a hedgehog?

No, you wouldn't. Why? Initially, when an injured hedgehog came, you'd be like, we'll try and help the hedgehog. They've all rocked chlamydia as well, haven't they?

They're all dirty slides. I'm not shagging any of them. But what if you have to suck him off to save his life? Also, a sanctuary is a hospital. A sanctuary is where they just go to live, innit? So, Belter?

Right. They're not just injured. What's your hedgehog limit before you're annoyed? Four. Cool. So, about half a day. I'd take the sign off. It is a beautiful payback.

I mean, it's not really, because the mom and dad haven't deserved this maybe they were gobshites but if i'm not gobshites yeah i've uh my nan and i tried to save a hedgehog once here we go it had been um shot it was quite bad to be fair someone had been cutting Shot. It was quite bad, to be fair. Someone had been cutting their lawn with their strimmer and had accidentally sliced it open. And you thought, we'll get this back together.

We tried. No, we took it to the vet, and it was full of maggots. What the vet was? Yeah. We're going to have to try somewhere else, Nan. Full of maggots in here. Next one. Did it die, Finn?

It passed away, unfortunately. Shock. Of course. Hit with a strimmer. One of Finn's real stories. We tried to save one once. It died horrifically. Full of maggots in here.

If you have any revenge stories have a word pod at gmail.com nothing nasty but if anyone no nasty we can do nasty

yeah no one gets hurt we can go and read it out if it's too bad but just write everything I threw beans on a man's plants didn't I

I felt good I wonder what he's doing these days. Still trying to clean them up. Clean his plants, probably. She would come spit at my car. Let's have a break. Michelle is back.

Yay. No, there's a applause game played. You just can't wait. It wasn't like... What, are you going, yay? I'm like, thanks. Third time with us. Thanks for doing it again.

Thanks for having me. How are you? I'm good. You always bring an energy here. You always bring an energy that sort of puts us all in our place. We're all quite sort of excited and nervous at the same time. It's anger. You bring an angry energy.

Yeah, that's what it is. And we love it. We love it. Yeah, yeah. That's how I like meant to be in my company on edge yeah you don't take our shit you don't take our shit at all no i want to go like that and you just flinch yeah not quite that frightening like like i i just know you're going to hold me accountable for the things i say but like i'd back myself in a fight why are you nag me? Are you giving me a full welcome or not? What is this?

I think if you play- You basically, it basically went, we can't wait to have you. I could beat you up though. No, it's the podcasting equivalent of when you tackle,

you, it feels like you've been tackled. Like I just swore to tackle you like, she's left it on you there. Thank you. And Adam's all like, I can fucking take you. I'm like,

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. There'll be some bruises. Can I ask where the sword's from? I've always wanted to know. It's Dutch.

And it means the black. Yeah. Really? Mm-hmm. Lord. Wow. That's not going in the thumbnail. We translated.

Do you know the amount of times I've been in? Because I'm Jewish. My mum's Jewish, my dad's Jamaican, and I've got my grandmother's and grandfather's name. And the amount of times a white person would be like, De Swart, is that South African? And I'm like, no, it's Dutch. And they're like, wow, Dutch. What does that mean?

And I'm like, they're black. And they're like, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee. I'm like, ta-ta. Great great chat where did your mom and dad meet um i think at a party okay yeah that's cool nice short short short-lived but my mom was like i loved him but they were broken up before i was born so oh wow okay i don't know if it's mutual really short-lived yeah that's similar same yeah really same yeah two different nationalities as well and his mum's uh jewish and his dad's jamaican is it no mum's english dad's spanish oh i got them close though you nearly got it

and there's nothing wrong with it because she's a wonderful woman so she's all i need all i needed yeah you don't have to defend her like that every time. We all know that you love your mum. I'm not defending her. I'm putting her out there into the world. If you didn't know, my mum's a wonderful woman. I know you could be. Phenomenal. And I know more about that than you.

You don't know my mum more than me, Adam. No, just in certain ways, you know. He's in fairness, he's had sex with me. Oh, there you go. I know nothing about that, luckily. I've told you quite a bit. You are doing your absolute best to avoid the information. I've tried to tell you.

Michelle is unfair and he's had sex with her mum. Oh, is it? Yeah. Well, she sounds like a go-on. She does if you listen to Adam. So we haven't got mums, so what we do is we just infer things about his. That's nice, isn't it?

Yeah. Who wins, really? It's Kyle, isn't it? With a mum wins, really? It's Kyle, isn't it? With a mum. Yeah. Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? It's better to have your mum knocking about.

Do you know what I mean? I don't know what that means, but, you know. Well, what it means is, like... No, I don't know what it means. I mean, in this context. The thing is, you can't say it back if their mums have passed. I can't.

Oh, yeah. Their mums are dust and they get it. Really? Yeah. Fucking hell. Oh, that's harsh. That phrase is often used with relationships, isn't it? Like, are all relationships that don't last forever a waste of time?

No. And do you know what I've realised as well? Is that, like, I... Because, you know, like, you're sort of like, oh, is this person the one? Is that person the one? And I'm like, no, my life is a succession of three-month relationships. Class?

That's it. So many ones. So many free months. You get three months. There's nothing wrong with that. Do you build each time? Are you getting better? Well, no, because it hasn't really got long.

Actually, yeah. No one ever gets out of probation period with it. Basically, yeah. There's just a moment. Do you know what? I think it's being a comic because you're just giving them your best set and then after and three months in you're like this new stuff is not weird here comes the old stuff yeah exactly do you remember when i said

that yeah yes i think at first i'm like hey and then like you know a couple of months in i'm like hey so do they get bored of you or are you getting bored of them oh do you know what maybe it's like fear of abandonment because then i i pulled a plug the second thing start getting a bit meh yeah maybe it's that your dad can't abandon you if you run away from home right yeah yeah that's probably what it is yeah how long do you wait to show the eels what it's a is that is that opening legs no it's like you're like oh i'm great mate and you're whoa and something weird gets out where you're like by the way i'm doing this and saying how long do you wait to show the eels literally made

it sound like you were going when did you get your tits on the show is this like day two i thought these are meant to be legs i was like what no you're like, oh yeah, I'm really lovely, mate. And then you let one eel out. Show the eels. Early on, early on. But like, but in a like, ha, ha, ha, entertaining way. And then, you know. They all get out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

It does change as you get a little bit older. Like you've never had to experience this because you've like been in love since you were like nine or whatever, right? But like, as you get older, you do have a sense that you're running out of time, dating-wise, so you do tend to trauma dump on a first date.

It's just like, here's everything wrong with me. Here's what my mum did good and bad. Here's what my dad did good and bad. Here's what they're both still doing good and bad. Here's what I'm good at. Here's what I'm bad at. Does this sound like someone you want to fuck for 50 years?

And that's all before the starters. She went at it accelerated because she's like, otherwise I'm wasting our time. Time's ticking, yeah. But you make it entertaining, innit? Do you know what I mean? You're telling them all the stuff, but you're like, it's got bells and whistles on it.

Yeah. And they're like, fuck it up. It's got jokes. Yeah, exactly, it's got jokes. And they're like, fucking hell, this seems exciting. And then about six weeks in, they're like, you're fucking mental. And I'm like, but I told you i mean you thought i was being kooky you thought i was being zany no i'm not i was

being dead honest yeah i'll fucking punch you in the face is it always around three months it's not like it's is it no no no it isn't always around three months but you do generally get a good three months out of me do you know what i mean you'll get a good three months out of me. Do you know what I mean? You'll get a good three months out of me. I'm great for three months. I think I was. I think I was great for three months. And then Laura was like, oh, it'll do.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, everyone's on their best behavior for three months, aren't they? But I've had loads of great three months, like fireworks, innit? Just going from one firework display to another, just wandering around being like, oh, there's another one. Great, we're going to have an amazing time. Yeah, but I think that's a flawed analogy

because surely if you were at a fireworks display, you wouldn't leave it to go to another fireworks display. You just play with fireworks, yeah? They don't last long, innit? So when when it's finished you might be like oh i want any yeah oh so you want the fireworks i don't know i think i think really what i'm trying to do now is sell the fact that i'm clearly a flawed person and arrested emotionally in in a big way hey but i'm like you get three great months apply within it's is it just all but i mean

that all changes doesn't it if you meet someone and you get to god forbid four months and then it lasts then all of those relationships that thing of like it's better to have loved than lost it is right you've got to live your life because you've got to practice and fuck it up and get it wrong to learn how to be a partner yeah i think it's all good training yeah the benefit of someone who goes oh you've sort of smoothed out some of them rough edges i do think though when you spend like you because i get to do everything that i want to do right yeah but then there's a moment where like i've noticed especially my last relationship i i was like why why does why does compromise feel like manipulation and it's not it's just compromising but i'm like this feels like you're being

manipulative yeah because you're so used to doing everything that you want you're a comic you get to choose everything for yourself like you get to do everything you want to do you get to write your own stuff you get is that why you and this feels like a crowbar way but it is a natural way to bring it up you you've got a tv show coming out next month on bbc too and you wrote it all yourself did you refuse anyone else because you're like i'm not compromising no these manipulative writers no actually i was like i don't know what I'm doing. Like, I need help. I'm not, when I say compromise, it's just like about things that I don't want to do.

But in terms of like what my skill set is, I don't, I'm not that arrogant. I'm like, I can do all it is. I don't know how to write a TV show. I mean, I do now because I've written one. But no, there was many times where I was like, I think we should get some writers in. And my production company were like, no, you're all right.

Really? And I was like, yeah. should get some writers in and uh my production company were like no you're right and i was like yeah that's mad what's the show it's called um spent and it'll be on uh bbc2 next month give us the gist what's going on it's about um it's about um an aged model who like is coming out the back end of her career and she moves back to england and she's like homeless and she's where did you find the inspiration for this i dug so deep i dug so deep when we talked about this last time was it just about to maybe happen yeah and since we've seen you it's been filmed and filmed done finished yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah um but no i wasn't like yeah so basically she's homeless and she's sort of like bougie and she's kind of got like, it's sort of about consumerism really. And now you sort of try to keep up a pretense to people

that everything's cool by, you know, I guess in terms of like how people live on Instagram. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? And like putting their best foot forward and all of that shit. Everything's fine. Or like going out with your mates and being like, oh no, I can come to this bottomless brunch and you actually it's gonna affect the way you

live for the rest of the month yeah do you know what i mean these kind of big gestures that we do to like make ourselves feel good short term but it actually has a detrimental effect on your well-being for past that have you and would you describe it as a sitcom or is it is it based in comedy or is it more drama no it's a comedy it's not a sitcom it's a it's a comedy drama okay series okay i guess it could be yeah a sitcom no because sitcoms based around character in it it's situational yeah yeah yeah but this has got like a story arc i mean friends are the story are no but it's episodic isn't it something like friends yeah each episode stands alone if you watch one episode it doesn't necessarily link to the one before the situation is why they wrote it and then they wrote the arc gradually but they sat down and went it's

three girls three boys they're friends yeah this is the story is the reason it's getting made yeah yeah did you did you feel like you had imposter syndrome then you said you wanted to get writers in yeah a few times man there was a few times where i was like i don't know what the fuck i'm doing i was saying to adam um earlier that like we were just talking about writing and how sometimes you just got to be really relaxed and that's when you get your most writing done but when you're when you've got deadlines you don't have that luxury so you're just like i gotta write man and i think I had about a month where, like, I just got so freaked out. And, like, the production company I worked for was really good.

They're called Various Artists Limited, and they made Juice and I May Destroy You and Such Brave Girls. And there was all these, like, we were in a flat with all these other writers, and I'd just sit there, and I'd be like, what the fuck am I doing here, man? Like, I was just like, I'd just get really stressed out and like, you know, I'm dyslexic and I didn't finish school and I don't have any, I just started getting in my head

about like, what am I doing here? But did they not just come to you and go, tell us the story? Because it's essentially autobiographical, isn't it? Not really, no. But you've lived that life a bit. I'm taking from like like i'm taking pillars of something that i can draw from but all the characters are fictional it's not like you know like let's say baby reindeer which is about an actual event yeah that happened like these are

like little bits that i can pull from but all in all the story is fictional um but i'm like i'm more than capable of writing but i just didn't it's confidence in it like you're talking about imposter syndrome like yeah some days i just think boy because in your mind the writers like fucking jessica fletcher or kerry bradshaw do you know what i mean but the reality is another novel yeah isn't it but the reality is like i type like this and i'm like boy this is gonna take a while you know we need 60 pages by the end of the month you can have five words yeah exactly and i'll be looking at the keyboard like where's the m you know what i mean so i was like wow this is gonna take a while but

it is hard to trust yourself though yeah yeah we did work today and i was like i'm not qualified to do this of course i am and i was great at it but i was like i want to fuck this up yeah but it's qualified it's just confidence that's what them post kids have they just go i can do that yeah you're not qualified but you're massively experienced yeah yeah and i did that and it was great but i was like i'm gonna fuck this up because i shouldn't be here there's someone definitely better than me yeah hundreds of hours there isn't someone better than me because they asked me to do it yeah exactly it's weird and it's such a weird thing to trust yourself yeah and then you think have i scammed all of these people yeah i'm still doing i still think that no yeah well you look how is the acting how is that because if you've

written it does that not feel like that's almost like us writing a bit and then having actors come in to act it out i'd be like no no no, did you have to give up a bit of control? No, no, it was great, man, because you're writing something you think is funny and then you watch a professional actor come in and elevate the words that you've written. You already know that you've written something that that's a joke, right?

Like I've written that, that's a joke. And then an actor comes in and the words on their own, you know that they're funny or you hope that they're funny. And then an actor comes in and performs it and you're, you know that they're funny or you hope that they're funny. And then an actor comes in and performs it. And you're like, I can know you've done even more that I weren't expecting. Or you've said it in a way like Jamali Maddox plays my cousin in the show.

And when I was writing it, I was writing it for him, with him in mind. So I was writing it in his candor. But then when he says it, I'm like, this guy's making it even better it's wild you were talking to me before about sort of the anxiety

of the screening as a stand up you know like the first time you try a joke long before you committed to video or film you know whether it's going to work or not and you got to watch people watch your show and get like a first sort of reaction of whether this stuff landed yeah man the relief the relief

because you've got such like let's say we started filming in october we finished at christmas then you're sitting i've got to exec produce it as well so then you're sitting through all of the post and then you're just like waiting you think it's funny you kind of got a but you don't really know it's not like stand up we know in it you're like well that that didn't go well you can't be like actually maybe it did in the right but no it didn't no one laughed they weren't funny yeah did they not send you little tapes to have a little sneaky yeah but it's not you what are you gonna still go yeah yeah that's funny you don't know what a room full of people think about it set the screen in we had it last week um the ritzy in brixton which was great because that's where

the show's set and that's where i grew up and um yeah it was like loads of press and my family which are way more critical than any press to be honest and like to hear the whole room laugh i was like oh all right the jokes are landing if was dog shit, would your family have said, Michelle, this is dog shit? Right, so this is what they'll do, yeah? Like, my mum pulled me aside and she went, fucking hell, it's actually really good. I'll work with you.

Shock and surprise. And then my cousin was like, Oi, it's good, you know? And I was like, what? So what they would do in them scenarios is not say anything, but they'd say stuff like, how do you feel? It's a great turnout. How do you think that went?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you think that's good, do you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Do you, do you um how are you feeling wow do you know what it reminds me of right like i did latitude last year and i was absolute dog shit at it right i got two and a half stars from steve bennett steve bennett yeah and i knew it was half a star too why what happened i i was writing the show yeah and i was

starting to notice that i was that my deadlines were coming much what happened i i was writing the show yeah and i was starting to notice that i was that my deadlines were coming up so much that i was spending all day writing and then stand up was taking a bit of like a secondary seat and so by the time i'd get to gigs i was burnt the fuck out and i just couldn't i just also there's something really solitary about sitting in a room on your own writing and then you've got to go on stage and be like all right and i just couldn't do i couldn't do that switch i didn't i couldn't go if we do a full day in here like because obviously the first half of this is just us before like the guest gets in like we're in from 10 half 10 until about four or five o'clock sometimes if i've got a show after that sometimes

i do feel a bit odd on stage or what happens is i can force it for that night so we do the full record so i did wiggin last week not showing off i did thursday and then went to wiggin we did a full day recording the special the next day i've nothing left like i am wiped but there are times where it's too long a day yeah thinking and then you get on stage and like oh i've lost i've lost 20 percent here yeah because it's the recalibration man like even yesterday i did press in the day then i did some interview thing for the bbc and then i did ivo graham's like obsessions radio show for radio four in the evening i sat on stage at the theater and i just thought i don't want to be here i don't want to be here same for me i can't do another white boy whimsical

posh boy show i just the same i can't do it you know what i mean but i was like what a time to realize well you know i'm one just sat there and he was like and then michelle let's talk about your obsession i thought i'm over this halfway down the walls i fucking hate walls but so anyway i did um imagine if you if they asked you and you went let's not i felt so bad because he was being lovely as well he was he was being really nice anyway i can't remember i started chatting about latitude but anyway i did it i got i got some shit stars and i thought yeah too right why the fuck did i get into that anyway whatever yeah i think it's latitude a very is it kind of a middle class vibe a sort of almost like fringy it's not like doing comedy at like leeds or no it's a bit more artsy posh festival isn't it yeah they love me yeah yeah yeah yeah they'd

absolutely oh that's what i was saying right so i'll go on so i'm doing latitude i knew i should have cancelled it but i hate cancelling gigs especially like a big gig like that you're like fucking you're on the do you know what i mean i was like oh and felicity ward was i was telling i've been tanking and she was like mate just like stop doing gigs then why don't you stop doing gigs while you're writing I was like what are you talking about she's like you've been doing it long enough that the muscle memory will kick in do you know what I mean like you can have a little break and come back to it you'll be fine so I'm like oh well I'll do these big ones I'll go and do latitude before I went on I was like this ain't gonna go well have you ever had them

gigs where you're just like this ain't yeah yeah this ain't gonna go well i do i do like 20 minutes and it is gash as i'm walking off firm brazes stood at the side and she's such a like lovely literal person that she wanted to say something she's like your family yeah exactly so she just looked at me and she went i really like your family. Yeah, exactly. So she just looked at me and she went, I really like your outfit. Shite me, but them shoes are fire. I walked up and she was like, I've heard your outfit. And that's the kind of, yeah, exactly. That's my family.

They'll just be like, wow. So you've never done latitude? No. I asked, could I do it a few years ago and i got told the booker doesn't like me like i got told about right but isn't it comedy story no i think it is now i think they have their own thing now but at the time it was like a comedy tent booked by one person and uh yeah they went oh yeah the booker doesn't like it and i was like why would they tell you that what's their name and they told me and i was like i i don't even know this person i've never met them and

they went yeah they follow you on instagram they actually think you're a good comic but they just don't like your vibe and that's why you're not getting through the festival and i was just like do you know what i respected the honesty of it like i did respect it but at the same time i'm like what vibe are you getting from instagram you're going this is a good comic this these bits are landing look at them views class don't like his vibe that is booking with an agenda though in it yeah deciding who works and pre-deciding what an audience will go for where i think through experience most crowds will decide what's funny yeah you'd go on and smash it so what they're saying is like no we're trying for something different and also what can you do about a vibe

man yeah someone don't like your vibe yeah that's you i like me vibe yeah that's everything that you come with yeah vibe is you yeah that's you in it my vibe's class energy that's your like that's them saying i don't like them yeah yeah vibe is an excuse that's what they, I don't like him. Vibe is an excuse. That's what they said. Doesn't like you. Knows he'll smash it, but he doesn't like you. Not keen. I think what happened was this person who books it was a miserable old cunt. And I think they're sad and they hate their lives.

And they go home every day and they just think, I'm a miserable, horrible, ugly cunt me. And they just resist the urge to blow their own head off every day. And then one day they were feeling blow their own head off every day. Yeah. And then one day they were feeling like that and they opened up Instagram and I was just there having a good time. Smashing it. And they were like,

do you know what? It's his fault. Ain't it funny? It's his fault that I've got diarrhea at the minute. That's why you didn't get a book for life. It's his fault me nan's in the hospital. Yeah. With lupus.

Dude, that's the equivalent of like, oh, he's just really intimidated by me no i just don't like y'all yeah do you know what i mean i think they're jealous yeah they're jealous how many gigs do you do that you go into it going i got a bad feeling about this have you because i've got a i as a self-defense mechanism like to look at something and air on the pessimistic because it makes me work harder so then if is it if it is a bit off i go cool i knew it and i've worked for it and then anything beyond that i'm like that was a bonus but that there are those gigs that you walk into going i've really got a bad feeling about whatever

it is the crowd the setup the acts you've gone on before or is it unusual do you roll in going i'm gonna smash i don't i don't say I'm going to smash. It's more like, it's more I think like, if I'm feeling negative like that, I'm like a bit too in my head where I'm focusing on me and not what my job is, which is like, you just want to make people laugh. And the more I can focus on that,

the better the gig goes. Because ultimately I'm like, what do I want to do? It's not that fucking deep. I want to make people laugh and have a good time. That's the joyous thing to be able to do so focus on that but when I start being like this ain't gonna go well and I don't know about this and I start like you know getting weirded out about the room and all the things that why it might not work I know that I'm a bit too like in my own yeah ego kind of thing like in my own heads where i'm like i'm not thinking about what i'm what my

job is which is like to make people laugh it's funny i just go this looks shit this might be shit and then i go on and try as i don't let it stop me trying to smash yeah but i hate that feeling five minutes into a gig where you're like this will be sound where you're like this isn't sound yeah this is fucking sketchy. Well, it's such a, like, fine thing, isn't it? Because it's also, like, when you go in and think, I'm going to crush it. Like, I try not to think that, because any time I do,

then I get complacent, and then I'm not nervous enough to give a shit. Do you know what I mean? So it's just, like, it's a fine balance. But I was on a little run of just being like, I don't know, man. But it's actually but exactly like you lot are saying you're doing this all day and then you can't just switch it it's just like the headspace

of it or i just found it really hard to go from being like this to like hey what's up everyone i just couldn't yeah you've got to find your pace haven't you with stuff have you got the bug huh have you got the bug for writing no do you want to do it again yeah yeah but it's it's a like it's it's not i don't know it takes a different kind of headspace so i'd like to now i know what it entails a bit more i'd probably give it a bit more room do you know what i mean to sort of like i know the things that i need now when you first start everyone's like what's your process what's your process what's your process you know i don't fucking know well i don't know what my process is you paying me and me giving you something isn't it what's your process what's your process what's your process you know i don't fucking know i don't know what my process is you paying me and me giving you something isn't it

that's the process that's been a lot of my artistic process yeah someone going here is some money for you to dance around like a dickhead you're like i'll take it yeah you're blake dancing days were your height of fame i know honestly when i close that set out anyway enough of that that Who remembers 1986? Oh, God. What, are you dancing? Are you doing like Def Jam comedy vibes? Is that you now?

Imagine if I closed out a set with a fucking dance. I mean, you did play a banjo for a bit. No, I didn't. What was it, a sitar? Yeah, it was a sitar. Sitar? Yeah, it was a different time. Racial insensitivity on the UK comedy circuit.

I was like, does anyone know another culture? Here we go. What was it you played? Ukulele. Is that what it was? Yeah. Is that like a guitar type thing? It's like a mini guitar, isn't it?

No, it's like a normal size ukulele. Is it strings? Yeah, it is. It's a string instrument. Oh, absolutely. Like from afar. Played it twice on stage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a string instrument. Oh, absolutely. Like from afar, without your glasses on, you could confuse it with a guitar.

Played it twice on stage, gave it a go, mistakenly did it when Rob Mulholland was in the room. He told everyone. And now my legacy will last forever for I, even though I've done

probably 8,000 gigs in my career, two of them were with a ukulele. I can't get anything past what you just said, literally. You're like, and all I can see is you being like, ming, ming, ming, ming, ming, ming.

And I'm like, wow. I prefer this guitar, to be honest. That'd be so good. Do you remember what your songs were? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I don't. I wrote a comedy song. What was it called?

I wrote a comedy song. What was it called? These Bitches All Up On My Shit. Oh, no. Yeah. Yeah. I imagine. Hello, no. Yeah. Yeah. I imagine. Hello, I'm from Lancashire.

These bitches all up on my shit. And as I'm saying it now, that was better than the actual song I wrote. What was the song? No, I'm fucking not. Tell us the name of it. I'm making my skin crawl. Tell us the name of it.

This is my lived experience. And you've got one underneath the thing and you're just going to whack it out. Come on. Tell us the name of it. I start closing lived experience. Have you got one underneath the thing and you're just going to whack it out? Come on. Tell us the name of it. I start closing every podcast now with it. That was lovely today. We basically do that.

Tell us one. No, I did it in the room. I was like, name a famous person, name a situation. And I, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just freestyled. No, you didn't. No, I fucking did it.

You fucking did. You did. I did bitches all up on my shit. Oh, was it? When was this? When was this? Give me the year. 1948.

Shut up. It was post-war. It was a different time. Who hates rations? Mini, mini, mini, mini, bitches all on my shit. Oh, one day you'll stand for that. What was the name of the song?

If Rob Mulholland hadn't been there, I'd have got away with it wow but one good comic I saw what it takes what was the name of the song it was called fuck Rob Mulholland

and his big lanky fucking head are you trying to google it no I thought you were trying to google Dan Nightingale ukulele hello mate it's Adam Rowe here

I'm currently recording the Have A Word podcast fucking wanker we've got Michelle Desuarte in with us we've just brought up the fact that Dan was a musical comedian for a while. And he's refusing

to tell us the name of the song he did. I'm just wondering, because we know for a fact you were in the building for one of his many performances. And we're just wondering whether you remember the name or melody or any of the words of the song that Dan did. Or if he recorded it. The quicker you can get back to us, the better.

And how it was received. Really hope Rob being an ADHD sufferer and a weed smoker is going to help out here and that he's not going to see that message till next week. Do you know what it was called? There was a wave, though. Just tell us what it is. Just tell us.

I'd rather you knock me unconscious and throw me off that fire exit. Dan, do it for the pod, please. Yeah, come on. I promise you. Punch me. Punch me. You've been mitten.

You wanked on a megabus. I'll do it again. I'll do it again. Just do it. I'd rather find a megabus. Are they still going? And crack one out today. I'll go somewhere that I don't need to go

to masturbate if it gets me out saying what this song's called. Take the picture, Jack Finnegan. Take this picture. This is me not saying what the song was called. Please. I want a copy of that. Yeah, hang on. It can be from my birthday and Christmas and his.

Come on. I think you'll feel massively, like you'll have a lightness to you. You're carrying around the weight of the ukulele on your shoulders and whatever the song is. And I think you should free yourself, man. You're amongst friends. I'm cringing so hard. I've given myself spina bifida.

Exactly. Don't cringe, man. We all do embarrassing shit. And the best way is to share it, laugh about it, and then move on. So let's hear it. No. You've admitted wanking on a megabus.

You've admitted pissing on women. You've admitted using an X-Alder's function tablet. Killed a child. You killed a pig. A pig child. A pig child. You've destroyed someone's car. What?

Yeah. You left your handbrake off. That was my car. Yeah. You left your handbrake off. I didn't destroy anyone else's car. That was my car. Oh, my God.

Take me back to Sheffield. I'll headbutt the skip. Do it for the moment on the pod. That was my car. Oh, my God. Take me back to Sheffield. I'll head up the skip. Do it for the moment on the pod. That's what we live for. We live for these moments. We live for these moments. Give it to the people at home. We were begging.

Come on. Please, Dad. Come on. I've come all the way from London. Do you remember the course, Dan? Please. It was called... It's like you're Selling fish

It was a It was a Married song It was called You'll never wank alone No No it wasn't No it wasn't

It was called As long as I'm with you Are you lying? No I'm not lying Well tell us Come on sing it Come on Come on

It was like a love song. And it was just like... Just sing it! I feel like I'm imploding. I can't. I just want it to be bitches all up on my shit. That's what I wish I could do. Dan, free yourself.

Come on. No, I don't need to remember. I wasn't... This wasn't a burden. This wasn't a burden. It is now. This wasn't a burden. Imagine how many times I could ask for it.

I would rather drink turps and lose my memory than try and remember the lyrics. But it was like a love song and it was all the things that could happen and I wouldn't care because I still,

and there was like, you know. What was the joke? You blatantly remember it. Like get bummed in the Afghan mountains but I still love you. That was the first verse. Imagine if you got bummed

in the Afghan mountains but I'd still love you. All right. Rob, any notes would be great. Thank you. You're not playing. Cool, fair enough. I genuinely can't remember.

You liar. There was jokes in there. You fucking liar. It was rhymey jokes. No, I'm like, it's 10 years ago, eight years ago. What was the other one? What? Did you have one song or two?

I had one song. Gave it a try twice. Never did it again. Is that all right? And I will be writing the follow-up. Bitches are all on my shit. You said it was a parody song. Is it a parody of a song? never did it again is that right and i will be writing the follow-up bitches are all on my shit you said it was a parody song is it a parody no it wasn't it i wrote it yeah yeah it's an original all right and guess what c f g a minor i felt familiar i've got my guitar do you want me to go and get it and i'll play it for you and you can sing your song

go on get it that will end the section up with you singing what's it called i love you all the things i love about you it's in my car i have to go oh god let's hope that's on fire can we have a break because i feel sweaty yeah fucking hell yeah i've forgotten about that I hadn't thought about that in ages. I think, you know, when you see something awful happen to a mate, you try and suppress it, don't you? Yeah, I was at the Froggy, turned up with, like, a fucking banjo lately. I think it was.

It was sort of a banjo thing. I don't know if I actually went and watched him, because, you know, it's hard to watch a car crash, isn't it? So I stayed in the green room. Don't 100%, unfortunately, I don't remember that much of the song. I think it was just one of those songs where it was like a list of his opinions, basically.

You lying cunt! Oh, they shouldn't come over here go back to your own country you can't marry my daughter what about our house prices? That sounds fire. Well, I'm tortured. So that was it.

I would rather smoke weed on the school drop-off than live through that again. Room 102. Can I just put that in? That'd be great. Michelle, we are doing room 102 to just put things into the abyss forever. Yeah.

To get rid of it. You didn't know the original Room 101. Yeah, I didn't know what it was. Which is in no way related to this feature. Obviously not. Yeah, what are you even mentioning that for? Sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But you know what Room 102 is. Now? Yeah. Yeah. What do you want to put in? By the way, you suggest it, then we discuss it,

we vote and we decide. Yeah, you have to win us over, by the way. Oh, really? It's just got a bit more difficult, Michelle. Good job. She gives zero, folks.

You said, write a couple, but... I said bring a couple, two or three. You said bring a couple, but bring a couple You said bring a couple But then when I was on the train writing them I was like I'm in flow man

I've got loads So I'm just going to speed through them Then we can discuss Nice bins Thanks mate Cartier baby Right I love it

Someone's doing homework The first one Thank you Brought a notebook full of them. I love it. I love it. Someone's doing homework. I love it. The first one. Thank you. Saying cheers more than once. What do you mean? You know, like when you're out with mates and you know there's always one person.

We say cheers once. That's it. I'm not doing it again. For the whole night? Once. Oh, you're not talking about the double cheerser? I'm saying when the drinks come and everyone's excited and we all go, cheers.

Cheers, cheers. That's fucking it. Cheers. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But we're not doing it next round. Cheers. I'm like, fuck off. Oh, so I can say it three times in the same cheers?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We can all say cheers, but we can only collectively do one cheers. What if there's a new person added to the group? Shut up. Fuck them. Next one. Hey, Michelle, Michelle, can i do an addendum onto no i

want to add also the absolute fucking napses who are obsessed with the eye contact with the cheers eye contact no one's poisoning anyone it's it's literally poison it's alcohol relax that's covered all right can we give it a yes it's going's going in. Well done. WhatsApp groups. Obviously. That's simple. Moving swiftly on from there. Close talkers. I don't like it. What's this? Say it again.

Close talkers. People who talk... Yeah. Like they've got a secret. You don't. You're dry as fuck. Step away. All right.

People... We're not going to get to discuss any of these. She's just airing it all out. Go for it. What's wrong with talking too close, though well it's too close you just said it that's what's wrong with it you're too close i just don't like the breath issue it's not even a breath issue a spittle issue i can't relax because you're right there so whatever you're saying to me i'm not listening because all i'm doing is a countdown to when you fuck off you must hate the dentist no i love the dentist michelle michelle is this sort of circumstance context variable like okay because if you're in a park it's a quiet day and someone leans and goes michelle you know guess what that is really out of order yes yes now obviously if we're in a club

and someone needs to talk loud or something like that i mean he's going to a club but you know what i'm saying that's different but like you know just like if someone stands there and they're just talking really close i'm just like just back it up what if what if you had a house party and someone needs to tell you something but then that's a secret yeah yeah that's different i don't i don't mind that yeah what if i'm playing the ukulele so loud wow you know yeah that sounds like a really cool party What if I'm playing the ukulele so loud? Wow. You know? Yeah. That you need to just leave it. That sounds like a really cool party. Close talkers.

I can't remember where I've been all these hours. All right, then this is a weird one, yeah? But, you know, like, people who take slow, deep breaths through their nose, keeping eye contact when they've got a slight smile on their face? You know, like... This is meant to be a common thing when does this happen you know like sometimes yeah like you're you know you know it's like like the people that are like oh i'm really

spiritual and you're chatting to them and they're just like this i can't stand we move in different circles Laurie needs to put the bins out no but it's like this what happens if they're close talkers as well surely you want to kill them big time you are correct I don't think I breathe properly

because I just did that no but with a little with a little smile like you're talking and they're like wow that's gonna be difficult to arrange that wank adam i need you over here active listeners you know you're not like active listeners it's the breathing what do you mean active listeners active listeners people who literally as you're talking they give you all the like contact and

all of their energy that's just engagement yeah yeah i sort of mean that like oh that's done my head in actually yeah active engagement's great unless people punctuate what you're saying with yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah just i know where this is going shut the fuck up listen we ain't got a lot of time and i've got a long list oh sorry i hate by the way sorry we will let you i will let you crack on promise but like you know like when someone is doing an extended talk at you, right? And I'm not even thinking about what I'm saying. I'm not even saying that

because sometimes I am like that where I'm just like, you need to worry up because I've got something to say now. I am like that and I hate it about myself. But even when I'm actively trying to listen, I feel like I can't just give the mic on

if they're going on a bit. I do have to feel like I have to be like... Oh, you have to throw all of these in. You have to. You've have to be like. Oh, you have to throw all of these in. Yeah. You've got to do a little. Yeah, go on. I think that's a, I think that's like a,

like a, like a, I think that's something to do with you resetting to keep their attention. I do think there's something like a neurology sort of, like a neuroscience kind of thing in there where like. This is the longest I've ever looked at anyone, by the while they're talking full unbroken eye contact is a bit much if you are not trying to fuck someone 90 eye contact you should be like yeah yeah yeah

that was a long one that's too long yeah that's patronizing yeah yeah yeah. Really? Really? Your dad's dead? Mad? 90%. Keep going.

But you're talking about, like, blinking, just like a little eye dart, like a little... Yeah, I think that's you, like, your brain trying to, like, reset. I just thought, yeah, don't look at someone. You don't need to give. Like, right now, this is fine, isn't it it but i think it's polite for at some point to just break the eye contact a little bit yeah yeah it's creepy do you look at a person's eyes or their mouth when you're talking to them or somewhere else personally that's quite rude solid where

are you looking when you're talking to me now where are you looking well like at your face which eye though cheers thank you are you looking at the mouth or i think i switched between their eyes exactly i'm going i'm going yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah mouth their eyes left right yeah mouth. No, what are you doing looking at me ears? No, I go round in a triangle. I just imagine him shadowboxing. I'm like, left, right, left, right, mouth, left, right, right. I'm just constantly like... You ever spoke to someone looking at their ears?

So your nan's gone missing from the nursing home? What, you seem guilty. Hang on, hang on, hang on. Really, she's gone missing? Are you looking for her? She's not up there. Come down, Spider-Man. Next.

Okay, right. So I think I got a bit carried away. I went into a depth of foolishness, right? But just shower curtains in general curtains yeah yeah and which brings me to my next one if i'm a guest at your house right and i'm having a shower don't tell me to use the squeegee thing don't tell me to use it it actually drives me i decide i was gonna do it anyway but now you've told me to yeah i don't want to do it now actually every time we use the shower we squeeze it right but if you ever stayed at

someone's house i'm gonna say i don't do that i just clean my bathroom once a week like a normal person i don't squeegee me yeah hang on if you're staying at someone's house and there is a glass like like there's no shower curtain. If the squeegee thing is there, I'm using it. I'm using it. Of course I'm using it. Only because it's fun. Yeah.

Not through any sense of responsibility. It's fucking satisfying. It's satisfying. But I once stayed at this guy's house, right, and it actually put a nail in the car. I was like, I don't know if I'm doing this again. We had a great time. And then in the morning I was getting in the shower and he's like, you make sure you use the squeegee thing and i just thought my god

use it on my puss mate that's wrong isn't it exactly do you use it just like this the water still running no my so my my brother and sister-in-law who live in york got a very nice bathroom and their squeegee is on squeegee it's what what, what do you call it? Like a window cleaner thing. A window cleaner squeegee. Right, right. It's on a little hook on the side. It steams up. I have, I've stayed at their house dozens of times.

You always give it a little clean. You get out your little banjo and go, when I'm cleaning windows, na-na-na-na-na-na-na. Absolutely valid. Char! Upset me,

nasty bitch! I don't mind cleaning no windows as long as I got you. Upset me, nasty bitch. I don't mind cleaning the windows as long as I got you. Oh, Robert's dead. The new one is here. Remember snakes?

It's about Robert. Robert's alive. I don't mind cleaning the windows because I've got my uncle Robert. We're going to Monaco next week. Fuck my life. Fuck my really well-paid life. Michelle, come on, keep the list going.

All right. Hey, Michelle. Dan goes on holiday with his uncle. What? Dan. Dan's got an uncle. And by uncle, I mean it was his deceased mother's friend. And he goes on holidays just the two of them.

Uncle Robert's not a ghost. My mum is deceased. I don't go with rent-a-ghost to the south of France. You went to the south of France? You and him got away together. Yeah. Yeah? And he's a magician's assistant as well he shows you magic tricks that's a euphemism yeah he's 67 i i don't i i don't i think we should um approach this carefully because maybe

there are some things that have been forgotten. You think I've been abused? I'm not saying you've been abused. Yeah, but if you're going to get abused, you might as well get abused in the South of France. I reckon you might be too old for him now, but I'm saying there might have been a closeness formed

at a time where you were more swayed by magic everyone used scheletrics naked though didn't they yeah i bought you the present dance for me yeah exactly that was just normal wasn't it right where else have you been can't squeegee away the memories malta yep malta just keeps in place i'm gonna to agree with everything. South Africa. I'm a musical comedian. So nothing I say from now on is valid. Johannesburg? Yeah, I've been to Johannesburg.

Joberg? Dubai? They spent a summer in Dubai. Lovely. Keep hitting us with your 102s. All right, so I've still got a spent a summer in Dubai lovely keep hitting us with your one or twos alright so I've still got a couple planning fun

kills me it never sounds fun I don't want to do it anything that's forward planning or fun I don't want to do do you like planning go-kart and stuff like that

no it instantly sounds shit to me as soon as you're if you was to be like oh let's go go-karting i say yeah but it feels like next month do you want to go go-kart and i'd be like no yeah when things require a deposit oh yeah that turns me off as well also shoes that are hard to put on really stress me out i've just discovered shoe horns and that has just made my life so much better but like horns are like a game changer when you're when you're a bootsman or woman they're a game changer in it when you're

not for trainers i don't need them for me trainers i use them for like the shoes and boots yeah like it just it pisses me off to a point that don't make any sense um eating any hot food on the tube i think should be fucking banned any hot food i don't care what it is and also fluff fluff just fluff do you get the women get fluffy belly buttons no any hot food yeah no you wear clothes through the day do you wash through the day i'll wash once a day or twice a day i wash at the end of the day if you got fluffy in your belly button men have always got blue fluff in their belly button. Like I've got a red top on now, haven't I?

And yesterday I had a white top on all day. I'm fluff three. I guarantee you, I've got blue fluff in my belly button right now. There you go. Can we move on to something else? He's digging. Oh no.

Oh, he's getting in there. It's blue. Is it blue? It's blue. Oh, he's getting in there. Is it blue? It's blue. Oh, she's gagging. Wow. Oh, it goes so deep. You're knuckle deep.

Adam, please stop. Oh my God. Adam, please stop. Please stop. Please stop. He's just pulled a woolly cardigan. What the fuck happened there? What's wrong with that? Empire Strikes Back. There's a pulled a woolly cardigan. What the fuck happened there? What's wrong with that?

Empire Strikes Back. There's a deep belly button in there. That is fucking disgusting. Excuse me? The thought of someone fucking going like that and trying to dig out fluff out of their belly button. It's not a bum hole, love. It's a belly button. Do you ever get fluff in your bum hole?

Listen, I shouldn't have to say this. Get your finger out of your belly button. It's like you can't stop. Give it a rest. And don't act like you don't want to sniff it. It's not fluff. It's a little pube. It's fine.

Who's in there? Jesus Christ. All right, what are your ones? Jack Tyson says, all right, lids, room 102 for you. Adam fingering his belly button. I've never seen it but i imagine it would be absolutely horrific no uh tiktok dance videos or even so uh even the tiktok videos where

people mime out a voiceover of a joke they're not entertaining and you just look like an utter numpty doing it never understood that craze i the thing about tiktok and instagram reels is you see a funny bit but then as a comic it's so unnerving to watch people just rip everyone else off because we've got a set of rules where yes we police that yes and so you see someone go ah miss rabbit's fallen over miss rabbit's fallen over again and then you see it for the next two months 70 times and you're like it's so it feels hacky to just rip people off but the actual it's not what a meme is though a meme grows and the community grows with it and then it dies and

then starts again the sounds on tiktok like a mad if you start watching ones with certain sounds you know they're like the actual sound you can attach to a video like uh there's a song by the dixie chicks or they're now called the chicks uh called called There's Your Trouble. And I get that constantly at the minute. Should have been like a cliff, should have been like a rain. What was it though? The trending, the trending audios. If I went on TikTok now,

I reckon it would be less than 10 swipes before the video with that sound. Come on. And I just want to try it because why not? But I think COVID, during COVID, it was very, the... Do you have my biggest monetizer? Oh, Freddie Quinn came up.

I'm batching on the euros. I've lost money. It's horrible. This is a horrible audio. Journey, you're taking us on, Adam. Thanks. The weekend. Do you remember that dance? I felt like that was the the peak of the tiktok dance do you remember yeah that's the whole like i don't

want to mime a joke when i saw gordon ramsey doing that i was like dad yeah this can get in the bin i don't have tiktok i mean i'm on it because i've got somebody does it for me but i can't have that shit on my phone man i. I don't even have... Like, Instagram's on my phone now, but I have to... But not on my thing. Like, I've got to log into it. Yeah. TikTok, no.

I was on it for a little while, and I was like, this is dangerous. I find Reels more addictive than TikTok. I'm not on TikTok. Do you? I've got an account, but I'm not on it. It's terrible, man. You can just, like, lose two hours of your time. Easily.

Easy. Kyle says, room 102, recycling. Cannot be arsed separating my cardboard from my plastics. Just burn it all. Yeah. Also, I don't know whether everyone knows this.

Oh, wow. Go on. Everyone does know this. So we are currently... Yeah. You are going to die saying this, by the way. Even when they've sorted it out. We're over capacity. We're over capacity.

We are over capacity. So it's a waste of time. Because at the minute, we don't have the infrastructure to recycle as much stuff as people recycle. Wow, did you just say infrastructure? Yeah. Cool. No, go on.

No, no, no, go on, go on, go on, go on. So we're not recycling. That's where this is going, isn't it? There's no point. Chuck it in a bin. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So Adam found this out two years's where this is going, isn't it? There's no point. Chuck it in a bin. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So Adam found this out two years ago and hasn't heard an update on it. We could absolutely be up to capacity now, but Adam's gone, I've heard what I wanted to hear. It'll be 73. I always burn tyres. We're over capacity.

I'll fucking strangle a dolphin. Where do you put your batteries, Dan? Right up. You surely go to the tip and put them in the battery thing, don't you? Oh, I love it. I just, I do. Sometimes I do a solo trip just for...

Sorry, Will. Mate. What a pro. He said he had chips. The acid reflux, didn't it, mate? Yeah, there you go. Yeah, pointless recycling. You're wasting your own time.'t it, mate? Yeah, there you go. Yeah. Pointless recycling.

You're wasting your own time. If anything, you're making it harder. It's got worse. Has it? It's got worse. Yeah, is what it says. Stop recycling. We're making it hard for ourselves.

Actually, it says... Just plastic. Everything else is fine. Oh, so you can do cardboard. It's in our bollocks now, I told you so. You can do cardboard, but you have to do cardboard and plastic separately, and you don't do that, do you? You put your plastics in your cardboard.

No, we don't. We've got different bins. Oh, yeah? Well, we haven't, so waste of time for me. So Liverpool, it's all... We've got a blue bin, match your recycling. Are you rinsing it out? Are you rinsing it all out?

Bro. Are you rinsing out your... No. I don't rinse shit. You don't rinse it out? No, I'm doing enough. I'm doing enough. What, for the planet? I'm doing enough I'm doing enough what for the planet

meet me half way I've fucking finished with the tints going in I can't be cleaning it out I'm not chopping it up either I'm not flattening things it's in

that's enough what else do you want me to do I've done my fucking bit it all gets put in the same pile let's be honest it does it does doesn't it it does in Liverpool apparently

when you have one omnibin where you shit in it throw plastics in cardboard in my old building right there was a bin chute

so I lived on like a high floor and there's a bin chute right and there was one for general waste and one for recycling and then that went

into the bin room in the basement yeah it's over isn't it it's over and they never let us in the bin room they were always like no hey not going in there no in the basement. Yeah, it's over, isn't it? It's over. And they never let us in the bin room. They were always like,

no, hey! Not going in there. No, if you ever needed to go in, they'd go in for you. Like a teenager's bedroom, you just weren't allowed in. Right? And then one day,

I had like stuff that wouldn't fit in the bin chute and I thought, I'll just take it down to the bin room. And the bin room was open. It was just open. And I'd never seen this before. There was no one man in there.

I thought, this is my chance, right? And I went in, both chutes going into the same bin. Surely not. Straight into a primary school. Both chutes. That is amazing. Yeah. Not a ton of change if you start putting your batteries

in the battery bin. You'll still have to pay the same tax and go home and bathe your kids. What about the future? What about the platypus? Oh, yeah, that one battery fucked it all well and done. Yeah.

They need to bring straws back as well. Yeah, bring straws. Get that out of room 102. Yeah. Plastic straws. Do you know what? Let's get them out. Do you know what's mad?

I was saying this on stage the other day, because obviously I'm fucking vaping again. And I was like, it's so mad that they were like, no more plastic straws, no more single-use plastic. You're going to suck a fucking drink for a bit of pasta or a bit of paper or whatever. And then they're like, have this disposable vape. It's only going to last a day.

You're like, well, the fuck is, what is going on? So we can't, no straws, but we got this plastic vape. It's only going to last a day. You're like, well, the fuck is, what is going on? So we can't, no straws, but we got this plastic vape. It's because the straws were getting stuck up turtles' noses and turtles actually love a bit of vaping. Yeah, exactly. So it's not as harmful. What's your flavour? Fucking whatever, innit?

Do you know what I mean? Like right now I'm on like triple melon. Triple melon? Exactly. Sounds good. Which? Double melon's just not enough. It's not.

It's not. Wade says, have you tried quadruple melon? It's never ending, is it? No, no. He's a vapist as well. You're a vaper, but you've got the big one, innit?

No, vapist. One... No, I've got the little one. Little chair. Like a little bird chair. Should like a little bit of chair. Should we do some icks? Yes. Lauren says,

a lad I'm texting signs off his text with three kisses. Who are you, my fucking mum? What's wrong with that? Yeah. That's so in the norm. Do you know what though? Okay, so my niece um was saying these are things that are like old people things she was like three emojis like you know like i would

go like heart heart heart like our fingers just can't be like yeah she's like yeah that's some old people shit is it yeah three kisses is excessive but three kisses what it's just one yeah but how old is she i'm just thinking that I just feel like we come from a time where we were just very excited about these things. So we're like, do you know what I mean? I know thumbs up is the one that gets frowned on. Like that's the, you know, just like, yeah. But young people are like, oh, you're absolutely.

Do you know what I do? I literally just match the text previous. That's exactly what I do. As in what? If they've sent me three, they get three back. If they sent me one, they get one back. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If they got none, none back.

Unless your bird's in a mood, right, and she sends you none, and then you have to, like, double what she would normally do and do six. Because if you're trying to calm her down, you can't send her no-kid sex. Oh, don't reply with no-kid. Whoa.

You can't. Yeah. You cannot. Just match the previous text and you're safe then. Yeah. Jamie says... I'm sorry, text and you're safe then. Yeah. Jamie says... I'm sorry, go on. That don't sound like a...

I don't know. I'm sort of like, three kisses. Yeah, I know, but I think it's because we're old. Exactly. That's what I reckon. I reckon she's younger. My dad sends me two sometimes. Sometimes he sends me one and I just match it.

Sends me four. Jamie says, Hey, lads, I have an ick suggestion. Women who sit too close to the steering wheel, I don't know why they do it, but it looks mental. Cheers. It's from Jamie.

I think it's so much worse when it's a man. Like, like anyone who's like that, but like a really young lad who sits like this close to his steering wheel. I just think it looks fucking pathetic for safety. Bryony says, it icks me out when lads have a skincare routine.

You're meant to be rugged, not RuPaul. Like, grow up. I'd rather have it dry. I'd rather... Whoa! I'd rather him have it dry. I've ordered some top-shelf male skincare products online. Tell me.

What is it? I can't remember. Retinol and that? I can't remember. But I've ordered the full kit. I'd love to see your outgoings a week. But there's no way. Just see.

I live quite conservatively. Of course you have, because you've been with your Mrs. Frages. I don't stick to it. Yeah, but you're not, you're not like using a bit of soap and then leaving the house. No, you've got a little moisturiser.

You're using a face wash. And now that's your routine, right? I'm not allowed to touch her stuff. Really? Her stuff's expensive and I will put too much on. Okay. Because you'll put like a pee on, won't you? And that'll go all over your face and your back and everything.

That won't even do my eyebrow. I'll go like that and start doing all this because I want to feel wet. But have you got a routine, though? She bought me one. I just didn't stick to it. I don't soap my face as well, by the way. So what are you using on your face? My granddad. Face wash.

Face wash? Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Do you get like icked out by a man who like is proper manscaping and looking like taking care of himself? Not like, no, I wouldn't get icked out. I would more be like, if they had any,

if their skin was great, I'd be like, well, keep on doing what you're doing. But if they had any kind of skin issues, I'd be like, I'm going to get you something that can talk that out. Where are you at with body hair, Michelle? Because I put bum hair into Room 102 originally because I just don't see the point.

Like, it's just, no one enjoys it. Yeah. Yeah, it's true. Where are you at with a hairy uh a hairy boy have you got a hairy ass michelle have i got a hairy ass i think that's what he's asking yeah have i got no no no but um anyway listen um um i haven't dated someone who's got loads of back hair i think that would give me it but equally i wouldn't want to be with someone who's got a waxed back do you know what i mean i've had laser hair yeah yeah there's another comic who's done that um how is it you both had that done yeah yeah i think that's kind of fair enough like i in fact i did date a guy had a bit of a hairy back and i'd give it a trim i'm like a number one one. Let's number one this.

Like, I don't want a hairy... Do you know what I mean? I've shaved his back for a date. Yeah, fair. I was going on a date once and Carl shaved me back in his bath. Yeah, fair, fair. That's love.

Good mate. Yeah. And he put three kisses on the end. It's fine. I haven't got a hairy back. It doesn't grow there. Yeah, then it's all right, isn't it? I'm happy with that, yeah.

Yeah, I think when it's, like, long and unruly, like have a trim do you know what i'm saying thomas yeah man just have have a trim everywhere everywhere should have a trim i kind of like it when a girl's got prickly legs prickly legs yeah what about a big bush i'm not like a it. Fine. Whatever they want. Really? No, but what do you want? Like a few days, like where, like a lot of girls

like proper shaving their legs and keeping them proper. Yeah. You know when they're like, oh, I forgot to shave my legs today. It's like, I should have shaved them today. Yeah.

Like that day, I kind of like that. That doesn't bother me. It bothers them all. I'm like, I don't care. Yeah, same. I like castaway legs,

you know, when it's three months. Yeah. When they look like Tom Hanks. I'm like, I don't care. Yeah, same. I like castaway legs, you know, when it's three months. Yeah. When they look like Tom Hanks. You just like, you just fancy Tom Hanks. I think so, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, men don't care as much about hair as women think they do. I think. Yeah, well, there's a whole like industry that's set up that we think that you do

and that's why, do you know what I mean? But now I feel like the younger generations are like, my fucking pits are hairy. I i've got a big bush i don't give a shit i think it's a controlled bush though in it that's like there's like a control to it there's a difference between it's all growing everywhere and it's just unkempt it looks like like a pensioner's garden yeah and then there's the it there is a bit of bush, but it's trimmed around the edges. Roses and that family. It looks like. Yeah, as in, it's like the shape of a bush on purpose.

Yeah. It's a bush with purpose. Nice. Can we give a bit of advice and then we'll get you out of here, Michelle? Yeah, thanks. So this is from, should I just lower it? Because we've already listened to her and we know the jingle.

Lucy says, advice lids. Me and my mate live in neighboring villages each with their own pub whilst in my local last night the landlord showed me a video of my mate giving one of the new managers a blow job in a lock-in they had last week this is something i had seen her do many times before back in the day but crucially she is now married the day after the lock-in gobble her and her husband went on holiday and are still there. I cannot get hold of her or him,

so I'm presuming they're doing a bit of a digital detox whilst away. My dilemma is, do I ring the hotel and try and get in touch with her that way to warn her of what's coming when they land back in England, or let the shit hit the fan for her on the school run when she gets back as

it is one of the dads from the school that filmed the deed love the pod Lucy oh so it's out and she doesn't know it's out yeah yeah the manager at the pub's like oh guess what yeah yeah yeah yeah you're calling the hotel and you're doing it covert where you're like i have an emergency but you're not doing it in a way that's going to alert the husband that's anything like you need a you need a valid story about why you're calling that's like a cover story so she can be like oh she's you know when she gets off the phone so she's got a little so she can buy herself a bit of time absolutely what are we doing yeah of course you you are. Tell your husband it's the AA checking you're happy with your policy.

Yes. Or ask for something. Have you still got my unicycle? Yeah. I can't find it. Or just like you're calling to, yeah, you're letting her know for sure. You're giving her enough like,

oh, what's this? Because the husband's going to be like, oh, she's lost her unicycle. You'd be like, oh, yeah. So essentially someone might come up and go, there's a phone call for you exactly it's an urgent phone call right right what did she want she wanted to see if we had their unicycle again because it's the circus it's the a.a you need you need a decent you need a decent of course you do it's her mate it's her best mate what's next what's next though for this woman it's a she's literally about to napalm her life

because she just gave a random a blowy. But shouldn't she get ahead of it ahead of it? Well, pun intended, yeah. By telling him on holiday, go listen. Well, yeah, exactly. But that's why she needs to, she's got to tell her as soon as possible. God.

Yeah. I would say getting traumatic news about a betrayal on a holiday can affect it. So I would maybe look at waiting until you're on the flight back at least. All right. But yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what?

That's an even better idea. Last day of the holiday. Oh, you're a bit miserable because you're going home, love. Well, you've got no idea what's waiting for us at home. Do you know Dan once broke up with a girl on the last day of holiday? Oh, really? Yeah, on the beach.

For Uncle Robert. Not Robert, to be on the beach he went it's over that was uh yeah that was ill-timed it's just gotta be done something but something i didn't even go into it thinking this is going to be the end of the relationship we we just did a little bit of a state of the union on the last day and she went do you see this last thing i was like not really yeah that was a tricky relationship was like that we went away somewhere and we left sort of like yeah all right and on the way back i was like this is over oh well yeah because we just we went away together and you know what i mean yeah and i was like you're right fucking me off now and then on the way back we sat on the plane and i was like on the way there we flew out business class we were side by

side and we were like let's watch the film at the same time and all of this shit even though i was a bit annoyed by that but whatever so i was like why do that yeah yeah yeah i was like we got separate tellies why do we need to watch the at the same this is very annoying it's never going to be perfectly in sync it's always going to be a slight second. So I'm going to be looking at it. What did we do? Watch the film at the same time. Yeah, what was it though?

It was years ago. Yeah, but was that in lockdown? No. Oh, wow. We have done that and I can't remember what it was. Wow. But anyway, so we flew there together in business class side by side like, yeah.

And then on the way back, we were facing each other, but I already knew it was over. And then he was like, you know what? I think I might have a nap. And I went, good. So I can just, and I just pushed the partition, just was like, whoop. And I was like, yeah.

What a beautiful metaphor for the end of the relationship. There's no fucking way I'm spending this flight. The opposite of blind date. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It happens sometimes, isn't it? If you can't get on when you're lying on a beach drinking cocktails, you are probably fucked, eh?

Yeah. I'm telling you right now, though, she's obviously going to be in a lot of trouble with her husband and they're going to get divorced. Oh, it's over? Yeah. With public humiliation? It's over.

Yeah. But the guy who has filmed this without her knowing, Jail, is arguably in more trouble. The thing is, he's not in more trouble. He isn't in more trouble. Legally, he is. Yeah, but the way that fucking society, the chances of him actually being reprimanded in any way,

prosecuted in any way for this is fucking slim. Her life, pulverized do you know what I mean but him having to be accountable she did get a bit noshy yeah yeah but also you know

getting filmed is as you said bang out of order but yeah as much time as she's got that he doesn't find she doesn't want

they don't want to be finding out at the same time you've got a few days on holiday to let her know so she can be like hey babe just i've thought out of nowhere deep fakes are getting so good aren't they you've got to be careful for people making i'd love to know when that one was wrote in because even if that was yesterday by the time this goes out publicly that's six days and i've just got to open some fucking long ology knowing the way i deal with prep it was from april 2023 he needs to know because his life's about

to get turned upside down yeah and it's not fair if he comes on with him goes lad look at this and he's like oh that's my bed by the way if anyone shows him it like that just go oh welcome back how good are you hey get on this lad your beard chewing off john do you know what i mean and then just when you think it's like died down this comes out and you're like for fuck's sake do you know what I mean? And then just when you think it's like died down, this comes out and you're like, for fuck's sake. Do you know what I mean? Make it end. Thanks, Michelle. Love you.

Thanks for coming in. Thanks so much for having me. Tell us more about the TV show. Tell us when it's out, channel times, anything you know and you want to plug. It is out next month, July the 8th, I think, on BBCbc2 it's called spent um it's a drama comedy i've like put my heart and soul into it and i think it's genuinely funny so please fucking watch and also like your audience is not necessarily my audience so all you crusty dusty white men please come on

over and watch my show. Thanks. They're like funny though. You're on Twitter and Instagram, aren't you? Huh? You're on Twitter and Instagram. I'm not on Twitter, but I am on Instagram and I am on TikTok. Okay, we'll go and comment things when you've watched this.

Yeah. So she knows you're watching. Please do. Yeah, yeah. I really appreciate that. Thanks. Have we got a song, Finn? Yes, we've got a song.

Hey, it's got, this one even mentions that you'll like it. It's a bit country. Okay. This is by Keira Marsland, and it's a song called Annie. But it's got a slight country vibe to it. What's her name?

Keira Marsland. K-I-E-R-A. Yeah. He's going to give it a listen to it. We're giving it a live review, are we doing? No, don't do that, because it's going to end so badly. Keira, he's going to listen to it, to it we're giving it a live review are we doing no don't do that because it's going to end so badly Kiri's going to listen to it promise

love you see you guys bye Felicia Well, she pulled up in a Honda Looking like Jane Fonda 50 years old with a swaggy attitude I asked her what she's drinking That was my dick, I've been thinking I need a bitch like you to love and hold me tight She let the taste of gin, oh, a lot of gin And a man who deeply sinned

My hand in touch with her, she gave her all the sensation That may be on my pin She let the taste of gin, oh, a lot of gin And a man who deeply sinned My hand in touch with her, she gave her all the sensation That may be on my pin So my darling, I didn't you with that bridal bouquet She stands me in her gaze, wishing a man would take her away

My darling, Annie Mae, could a piece of that wedding cake But don't you dare say that I won't take you to those church gates As the church bells ring and the choir sing Gently you bless that diamond ring But the heavy is too much for your soul You wish it was you that he proposed to As he stands there in his Gucci suit And you watch him walk away into the sun

Now your time is up and you drink from your cup And you tell yourself, what the fuck? But girl, I'm living in a wild field of tears And I'm in the takeaway office My darling Annie Mae, that brighter bouquet She stares through in her gaze Wishing all men would take her away My darling Annie Mae, get a piece of that wedding cake

But don't you dare say that I won't take you to those church games. Still haven't found my lover in this tumble town But if I hand you a crown, paint this town You and me, baby, it's like ecstasy So come on, Annie, baby, let's be free One, two, one, two, three, four Darling, Annie Mae, that bridal bouquet She stands there in her cage Wishing her man would take her away

But darling, Annie Mae, could a piece of that end cave? But don't you dare say that I won't take you to the church gates.