Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #283 with Justin Moorhouse - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: June 30, 2024

Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan Nightingale & Fiends Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.ukComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Support our cycle across India for Zoe's Place:https://cycle4zoes.enthuse.com/pf/finnlay-kulavuzGet subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsCheck out Finn's music: https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Tickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Three quid access to more stuff than you can shake a stick at. Wag wag leads, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game from the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only Have A Word. Brought to you by Manscaped, the very best products on the market

for below the waist groomers. Go, Ed. Get on me. Way! Hello. Oh, you had your little beard trim this morning? Little beard trim. I've also discovered a life hack that I think everyone will benefit from.

I'm all ears. Is it getting out of bed early? Getting out of bed before you have to get up. I was like, no, that was going to be it. That's the third time you've said that in four years fucking mad you know yeah it's so much better now is this attached to any sort of 5am meditating or pilates at seven or no this is just waking up 10 minutes before your alarm coming out i'm telling you like about my new routine mate i'm not coming up right okay i told you about the time

our jack saw uh pilates classes advertised on the wall of a lifestyles legislature and he was like no way you can learn to fly here because he thought it was pilot's class it's a lot of women in spandex. Yeah, good. Women can fly now. Have you seen the Pilates machines? It's all like, yeah, how hard it is. It's a roll machine. No, it's all like a mad machine that you go on. I've seen like, they've done like,

oh, we've got rugby players to do a Pilates class. And they're like, fucking hell, mate, this is killing. Ozzy Wands. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was my attempt. It looks hard. Well done, yeah. That was my attempt. It looks hard. Well done, women. It looks super complicated.

What is it? Basically just pushing away from things and just wafting your leg in the air. I've never done it. It's just yoga. I'm not a very flexible man, but I would like to get there. When you're shredded. It just looks like extra yoga, doesn't it?

Like yoga plus. Well, it looks like pushing away from something and then being like wow look at my fucking leg we're doing a pissing dog get out of me just do that for four hours

pissing dog is a move and just rugby players are I fucking can't fucking right I fucking can't damn it alright we'll go and do the Pilates special then

what do you reckon don't know how we got there but sure let's go and do it let's fly a plane what time did you get out of bed I don't know how we got there, but sure. Let's go and do it. Let's fly a plane. What time did you get out of bed? Half seven. What time would you usually get out of bed?

What time were we in today? Half ten. Like quarter ten. How did you eat? Naturally, you didn't piss? I had an alarm on and it went off and I was like, oh, but I'm just getting up a lot easier now that I'm not eating carbs.

More energy, sleeping easier and waking up easier. It's mad. Do you not just want some bread on that meat, bro? I'd fucking love some bread. I'm going to have some on Wednesday. What's your breakfast? What? What's your breakfast looking like on this diet? Well, I haven't had any breakfast this morning, but I've been having three eggs and

five pieces of bacon. It's about 500 calories. You're on the herbivore diet. He's on the carnivore. Yeah, we're on the opposite diet. Yeah. The complete opposite. Have you not been hypnotised yet?

No. I'm waiting for Harry's mum. We're all waiting for Harry's mum. Sounds like a Channel 5 documentary. Waiting for God, isn't it? Better. Yeah. And I'll tell you what I bought which is one of my favourite things I've ever bought

is I bought a coffee machine for the house but like a drip one not like an espresso one so you just make a big jug of coffee smell of fresh coffee in the morning is it a real kick Adam's a new woman is it like one of those ones that you get in films

where they're like I'll have another cup of coffee and she comes over and she's like I'll top you up yeah she's Australian rugby

I'll top you up I can't do fucking Pilates and you can set a timer on it and put the coffee in the water in the night before

and say like I'm going to be up at 8 o'clock and it gets it ready for 8 o'clock. Oh, that's lovely. It was 40 quid. Oh, that's nice. And then you, Jack?

Just me, really. Lidl? Was it from Lidl? It was from amazonprime.com. Woo! .com? Not an ad. Thanks for that. Not an ad.

Not even.co.uk. Straight from America. It's class. Getting up. Sorting stuff out. You know? Weighing myself every morning. Oh, you've got to be, you know, every day?

Yeah. Religiously? I didn't yesterday, actually, but every other day, yeah. When we came back from holiday, Laura was like, I know I've let myself, you know, I've eaten what I want, so I'm not going to weigh myself. That's what they say on all the dieting, like, Instagram pages. like i know i've let myself you know i've eaten what i want so i'm not gonna weigh myself that's what they say on all the dieting like instagram pages don't just get back and weigh yourself why

you're gonna do that to yourself i was like it seems smart just have a few days of being healthier and then weigh yourself just like i'm just not doing it four hours later on the fucking scales that's the classic in it yeah yeah fucking what's half stone seven pounds yeah oh easy yeah yeah yeah i put 10 pounds on in nashville and i've lost all of it it's all of the unit that's four wait till you're doing pilates bro i'm going to tenerife next week and i am gonna have a few beers and uh like i put all spritz in that while i'm away. But I'm going to try and keep for at least two meals a day to meet carnivore diet.

Yeah, do it. And then when I come back, get back on it properly. I do want to be fucking hinge by the time we go India. Are you going to be Aussie as well? What? I'm going to be hinge.

It was hinge. It was just me. I think after India, we're all going to be in the best shape of our lives. I really want to be there before we go. No, but you're going to lose loads of muscle muscle. You're going to lose loads of weight and just be a little bit. Because it all going to be in the best shape of our lives. I really want to be there before we go. No, but you're going to lose loads of muscle mass.

You're going to lose loads of weight and just be a little bit here. Because it's going to be hot. We're not going to be eating properly. We're going to be exercising. We're not going to be eating properly. What? Because it's India. So?

No, we're going to be eating properly. Street food where people wash their hands into the meal. I've seen all the vids. Thanks for sending me them. Really appreciate it. Oh, Dan's going to India. You know what we'll do? We'll get his anxiety going.

He seems quite laid back all the time, but let's send him a fucking video with an Indian A-road where 19 people just get careered into by a fucking truck. And then the washing of the hands into the street food. Street food can fuck off. I'm eating kitchen food exclusively. Which is what I do in life. I'm not going to change anything. That's what I do. I eat kitchen food exclusively. Which is what I do in life. I'm not going to change anything.

That's what I do. I eat kitchen food. Nearly fucking exclusively kitchen food. And I'm not going to change that when we get to India. Oh, you want to watch out for the street food? I don't want, because you've put me off. Why are you doing magic tricks? They wash their hands.

I've seen the videos, and this might be a very small percentage of Indian street food sellers. I reckon it probably is. I reckon it's probably one guy, yeah. Well, all right, cool. Well, this one guy has got six different clips on Instagram. Just one clip of it?

Stop. Oh, God. You're being hoodwinked by fucking people gaming the algorithm. Listen, I know better than to question you, Adam. Are we going to go to India and everything's going to be all right? Yeah. Yes, I've learned.

It's taken me four and a half years. When I was at the Red Bull soapbox going, this piece of shit is going to break at the front. I reckon we're going to get to the bottom. I don't think there's going to be any breaks. I think it's going to be a mess. And Adam was like, no spoilers, please.

Just shut up. And then he was like, oh yeah, it's going to be absolutely fucking cracking. And it is. Why are we questioning him? He's mental, but he's right. He's right. Just roll with it.

But I'm not eating street food. We're going to be fine. We're going to cycle around India. Have a terrific time. Will we get dysentery? Maybe. But that's just going to make me thinner. But here's the thing.

Just don't eat it then. Here's the thing. What? We're going to India for charity. And that's fine. You know? We're doing our best to save these children who are dying of, you know, lupus or whatever they've got.

Right? It's your new favourite one, isn't it? I think we've researched the charity. Two lupuses in a week. It's, you know, kids are very ill, and maybe on death's door, and it's the hospice to give their families care, isn't it? Make sure they've got a bed and that while the kids are dying.

And it's awful, and we're doing what we can. Right? But here's the thing. It's their families care, isn't it? Make sure they've got a bed and that while the kids are dying. And it's awful and we're doing what we can, right? But here's the thing. It's for a renovation, but never mind. Yeah, well, it's for both, isn't it? So that they can provide that care. The renovation is so they can provide that care. They get a better gaff. Yeah.

It's for families who want to have a kick about. It's a good five-a-side pitch next to a children's hospice. That's what it is, I reckon. Or if you're a parent of a dying child, you want to play five-a-side. God, this is fucking sad.

Fancy a kickabout. If you don't have the facilities, that's it. So what we need to do is get a couple of fat lads from a podcast and send them to India.

It's working. Yeah. We're working really well. But what are we really going for? Content. What makes the best content? You having street food.

We use this as a clip of foreshadowing. You have some street food. Then you poo yourself on a bike. Best content we've ever made. Let's go. No. No. No. I'm taking a backpack of yum-yums.

You're taking a what? I'm taking a backpack of yum-yums. I'm going to go to my local co-op where they make professional kitchen-based yum-yums. You're taking a walk? I'm taking a backpack of Yum-yums. I'm going to go to my local co-op where they make kitchen, professional kitchen-based Yum-yums. I'm going to... Oh, I like that. They can't bring this many Yum-yums into India.

I fucking can't. I can't. By the way, that's a spot-on impression of Indian... It's at Manchester Airport. Whoa! British Indian. Whoa.

Who's checking for Yum-yums on the way out? Did you ever see Navatar? So, that's what I'll be doing. Who's checking for yum-yums on the way out? Have you ever seen Avatar? So that's what I'll be doing. What's Dan doing? Eating yum-yums, mate. I'm just going to take loads of steak. You can't get steak out there, can you? You can't kill cows.

A backpack of steak? Yeah. I've eaten it on the first day. Right. I think it'll last in the heat. Take a fridge as well. I think he... Fucking hell.

Take a cycle-powered fridge. Attach the fridge to me bike. right it'll last in the heat take a fridge as well I think he fucking take a a cycle powered fridge attach the fridge to me bike keep me steaks in the fridge question hang on

hang on where's your if someone is if someone is powering the fridge through cycling where are they going are they just stuck on the same spot cooling your meat?

It's just a fun sentence to say. Not Adam's bike. It's just a clippy fun sentence to say. So Adam's bike has someone on it who is cycling, but that doesn't... So you think I'm a fucking idiot, don't you? I've thought it through, okay? So you put a bike on a stick attached to the van

that Will's going to be in. The power of the car will act like a cycle. The fridge is then attached to that bike, and it's powered by that. Right. Should we run the fridge off the engine of the car? No? Maybe.

Oh, yeah. That's less fun, though, isn't it? Attach a bike to a van, and then I'll attach my bike to the back of that bike and I won't cycle fucking anywhere. I'll just be like, do it.

You know, hands free, eating yum yums. He's trying to get in the van the whole way, eating steaks out of his legs that he's put on. Yeah,

what's the rules on killing cows in India? They're holy. They're holy cows. They're not holy to Indians. They're holy to the main religion. Hindus. So there's people over there

who are just going around blowing cow's heads off because they're like, I'm not an Hindu anymore, me, me. Right? But the Hindu ones, they're going, don't. That's God. Every one of them's God.

What? They're just sacred. Is it a federal law to blow a cow's head off in India? Federal law. You're breaking state law, boy. Probably is, isn't it? Like us with the swans. Yeah, you can't kill cows.

Can you bring dead cows in? Pre-killed. Oh, one minute. Oh, we've found a loophole. You just get a fine. How much? 10,000 rupees. Oh, what's 10,000 rupees?

Yeah, it's nothing. It's like Zimba weighing money, isn't it? It is. What's the rupee to the pound? 95 quid. Ow! I'd blow a cow's head off if I'd wanted. How many states are you going to get out of a cow?

By the way, if there was a fucking farm over here where it was like 95 quid, come and kill a cow, I'd be a cow's head off if I'd want it how many states you gonna get a cow by the way if there was a fucking farm over here where it was like 95 quid come and kill a cow I'd be there every week that's a good price to go and blow a cow's head off

I don't think that's how it works I don't think you pay the farm before you do it I'd just give them fucking five ton and be like alright give us a gun

five bullets I'm off to find five fucking coos they don't it's better when shooting a cow to ask for forgiveness than permission. They bury all the dead cows.

What? They bury all the dead cows. If they see a dead cow, they bury it. Yeah, but then you just give one of the fucking undertakers a little fucking dropsy to turn his blind eye for five minutes while I cut a little rib eye off before they fucking put it in the ground. Cow undertaker. there's also no law banning the consumption

of beef or steak you can't eat beef you can't eat beef you can yeah yeah you can and it feels annoying

oh this is a sacred cheeseburger yeah so there's definitely like underground gaffs there where you like come and get a belt of cheeseburger

meat easies can you google steak restaurant Mumbai that is in India isn't it yeah we're not going there though yeah come and get a belted cheeseburger meat easies can you google steak restaurant Mumbai that is in India where are they going there though we're not going anywhere near Mumbai are we not

Jaipur are we going Agra to Jaipur we're flying to Delhi there is there is like there's four all in Mumbai

yeah Mumbai has a population of about 20 mil only one of them has reviews though right and that is called Imbiss would you eat steak

in India I would why is it from a kitchen yeah well the last review was in 2018 so I'm not sure

about this place don't trust it go on what's it saying what's that song with Jai pouring Jai Ho Jai Ho Nicole Jai Ho. Nicole Schertinger.

The Pussycat Dolls. Oh, there was a blonde one of them. Was there? Ashley. Yes. Ashley Banjo. Now, that's the lead singer of diversity. I know what I said.

Lead singer? I know what I said. I'm the lead singer of diversity. Are we checking reviews of an Indian restaurant? Apparently so. It's a major letdown. Damp interiors. Can ignore the interiors as Imbiss is all about food,

and that was the biggest letdown. Cold food and not appetising at all. Cold food? Do you reckon that's confused Indian people who are having steak for the first time? They've ordered it medium rare, and they've been like, oh, this has been allowed to rest.

It's a bit... I just think that's people who don't know about steak. I just think they're thick. Stupid Indians. Yeah. Genuinely, what are we going to eat in India though?

Like, just hotel. As long as it's meat, I can eat it. Are you going to still be carnivore? Is this you now? Are you a new... I'll tell you when I start feeling like shit.

The advice in India is avoid the meat, isn't it? Yeah. That is the general advice. Depends who you listen to. Who have you listened to there? It's Piers Morgan now, isn't it? It is.

He's got it in my ear. Some homophobe. Just don't let things touch your mouth. That's what I've always been told in India. Speaking of Piers Morgan, by the way, have you seen that he... Interviewed George Galloway. Blocked me on Twitter.

But, you know, Fiona Harvey, the woman who is allegedly the real-life Martha from Baby Reindeer. Yeah. She fucking stalked George Galloway. Did she? Back in the 80s, when he was off for an MP. She was like, I want to be the MP.

I'm going to turn up your house and ring your foot a number for hundreds of times. It was quite problematic, the way he presented it because he said when she stalked me, it was real stalking because there was no texts or emails. She had my landline number and she would just turn up at my house all the time. Yeah, that's OG stalking.

That's the hard one. Yeah, he said he's going to testify for Richard Garda if it goes to trial because he's like, she's fucking mental. Will he wear the hat? What? He always wears the hat. He's got, she's fucking mental. Will he wear the hat? What? He always wears the hat. He's got a bit of a hat. He's responsible for one of the best TV moments

in British history. Unbelievable. Oh, you love that pussy, don't you, George? He's a phenomenal orator. You could listen to George Gallagher. He's a surgeon. Yeah. Phenomenal.

Yeah, phenomenal. He blocked me on Twitter and I've never spoke to him. Never. He's right though, isn't he? he's a surgeon yeah phenomenal yeah phenomenal he blocked me on twitter and I've never spoke to him never he's right though isn't he yeah but how did he know

spot on there and this was ages this was years ago yeah he's good on twitter apparently he knew he just checked one tweet and was like gobshite

I've also had my ban on wikipedia extended to three years for simply searching Les Dennis on Wikipedia. That is quite the algorithm they've got. From one year to three years and back to three years in the slammer. Email the fucking Hey Child about him to Wikipedia

with the photo of me, you and Les and be like, well, mate, he's Sam, isn't he? Or a picture of him eating hay. What old Stephen Muller, no, did do him. Said he kisses snakes before he goes to bed. Why? Why did he do that? Yeah.

That's bold. Where is Wikipedia? On the internet. I don't know. Where is it? Who's goose? Is there a Wikipedia head office? Yeah.

Where someone's working there going, oh, he's a gobshite. Oh my God, George Galloway doesn't trust him. Fucking lifetime. It's in Sunderland isn't it there's a guy that's written out the whole of Wikipedia

the UK Wikipedia head office is in Sunderland I know it's mad isn't it wow someone wanted cheap office space

it's edited by viewers isn't it yeah but there's got to be some arbitration you haven't been. There is, because I change things and they go, you can't do that and they're going to ban your IP forever.

Cunts. I also... Actually, I won't say that one. No, you've got to now. When I was in uni, I changed the name of the vice-chancellor on our uni page for six months to Dr. Swat. Nobody knows us for six months to Dr. Swat. Nobody knows us for

six months, Dr. Swat. Yeah, but who the fuck is checking Wikipedia for their vice chancellor of their university? No, apparently no one. Or just the people like, yeah, I agree. I didn't even,

I'm surprised. Wikipedia must be based in Silicon Valley Valley though San Fran and we're side yeah San Fran and Sunland love to see that meeting okay sit down Glenn we're sending you away overseas it's a really big opportunity I know you've just bought property in Northern California but have you ever been to Tyneside and Wearside? I got my house value yesterday. That's worrying. Up or down? From what?

From what you wanted. From what I paid for it, we are well up. Expected. But I have spent a lot of money on it. But it wasn't as much as I wanted. I thought it would be worth more. But is it more than you paid for it and have spent a lot of money on it, but it wasn't as much as I wanted. I thought it'd be worth more. But is it more than you paid for it and have spent on it?

Is your equity in the plus? Five years in, garden office, fully renovated. I've spent a good chunk. We're 100 grand over what we paid. I reckon we might be 25 grand in profit, which is not... Not ideal. it's not shemazing no we have spent about 70 80 grand doing it up apparently you can't mortgage on a garden office so the value what are you trying to sell that separately

i would now does it not add value to the house? It adds saleability, apparently. So people come in and go, oh, this is what this is worth. What the fuck? That's class. And she went, oh my God, can I see it? And it's, having someone that we don't know. Just have cum tissues all over it.

Just Ishan's cum rags. I would buy your house because of that. But apparently you can't, it doesn't add to like the proper valuation of it. Don't know if you've had your house evaluated, but it feels like they want to bang you. I mean, she was a wonderful woman, like really nice. But she comes in just like, oh my God, I love it.

Oh, I love this, I love that. It's super fucking positive. You sure she wasn't high? Okay, man. You sure she wasn't high? Oh my God. Oh, I love the pink elephant that's flying in the kitchen. Yeah, she was really into it.

But I'm a bit displeased. Sell this to me. Oh. Why? What are you going to do with it? Live in it. No, you know. Oh, I don't want my house to be a fuck palace.

I'll raise my children there. Go and get someone else's house for a fuck palace. Okay. You're going to need a quick sale. You're going to move out to this? Yeah. I don't know. I'm not feeling it.

Oh. Oh shit. Why the fuck am I moving out to give someone a free garden office? I want the garden office. You want it? No, I want it. Oh.

Is it not like, can you not pick it up? I don't think so. It doesn't look that well made. You could definitely strip the doors and stuff off. That's the big expense there, isn't it? Is it not rebuildable? Who made it for you?

Joe and I? Yeah. How much is that going to cost me? I'm about to buy a pick-up truck. You can just put in my pick-up truck. Oh, yeah, cool. A seven metre by three metre garden office taken to bits and rebuilt

cost me fucking loads. Yeah, but you'll have the garden. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. The house isn't worth as much as I wanted. You're not moving? I don't think so. Not fucking leaving.

What's Laura said? She was just... You sit down and you go, what's the point? What's the fucking point? I'm giving someone a free garden office. The other house that she found now was in a better house. Yeah, but the mortgage is ten times what we're paying now.'m giving someone a free garden office. The other house that you found now was in a better house.

Yeah, but the mortgage is 10 times what we're paying now. 10? 10. No garden office. 10 times? Nine times. Fuck off. Yeah, don't do that.

Genuinely, nine times. Yeah. Do not move house then. What are you doing? Just to be detached where we're semi-detached. When you say nine times, do you mean you would owe nine times as much money or it would be nine times more a month?

Close to both. That is insanity. I'm not letting you do that. What the fuck are you talking about? And also, just for what? To be slightly detached so we can't hit dogs in the night. In Aswall?

Aswall is nice. I'd be paying a chunk more, lose my garden office to be like, oh my God, there's a Marks and Spencers food hall within walking distance I can't do it I can't do it no you don't

that's fucking stupid mad innit yeah oh thanks fucking stupid Laura we love you but shut up yeah

shut up fucking stop asking him to move to Heswell will ya she's been honestly this has been a lifelong thing that she's been on about

since Sunday morning who found the house it's right moving it it's just dolly daydreams on right move is a is a gate is a dangerous game yeah who found the house you or her uh i did oh there you go tell to shut up again then yeah it's not just you were joking it wasn't it wasn't just laura it was it was both of us we went to haswell i went this would be nice wouldn't it it's a weird thing when you live someone somewhere where you're not asked about it yeah it's just a weird feeling i love chester but we're a 10 minute drive from chester and you're just in this village that's

you've been it's not particularly offensive but it's not like it's fine you don't feel attached to me i don't know yeah i went down the down the local. I think there's a new landlord. That's slightly improved. They were a bit friendlier. The beer garden's better. Maybe what I need to do is start being lead by example

and just get involved. Because I've been doing that thing of going, no, I'm not arsed. Maybe I need to be more involved. Neighbourhood watch? Yes. No, don't do that

because you'll be on a fucking sex offenders register. Join the Pilates group? Yeah. Yeah? Meant to fly. I just want to sort of facilitate more alcoholism. What about Etta, though?

Surely moving school for her wouldn't be ideal as well. No, there's that. But she's seven and it's my money. You know what I mean? What year is she in? I mean, ultimately. What year is she in? Kids move schools all the time.

No, look. But it's meant to be one of the most disruptive things you can do to a girl. Oh, she'd be so dramatic. She'd have four best mates by the first lunch break. Wherever Etta goes, if you just go and chill out, she comes back and she's like,

I've made some new best friends. She's incredible like that. She's just dead sound and doesn't have any fear with that. She can just roll in. I know this sounds like typical me being a wind-up, but I was like that a lot when I was a kid. If I ever went to Charlie Chalks,

I'd go in the ball pit in 20 minutes, I'd be back and be like, Mum, this is my best man for my wedding when I'm 25. I made best mates at the kids' play centres. 100%. I've only been in Charlie Chalks the other year. I was there so often, my nan lived near there yeah have you hung out with a kid like yeah that's a really good point i would have been there together oh that's cute yeah i've hung out with kids like my mates

my mate that sound bad i've hung out with like my mate's kids and they're a bit more like shy and anxious and it really stands out when you're used to like kids like Etta and Jack who are just like and do you know what? Same with me. When I used to go out clubbing like I was so bad for it. I was like I've known these guys

for like I know these guys for eight years but look at these new people that I've just found that I don't know. They're going for an afters. You still do that now? I know.

When you go on a night out with us the first like four pints you're with us like this is class day it's so good to see the boys and like the first like four pints, you're with us like, this is class day, it's so good to see the boys. And like the first sip of your fifth pint, it's like, oh, Dan has gone

and we're not going to see him until tomorrow morning at the podcast studio. You're so elusive on the ale. I know, I love it. It's an adventure. I hate it. I love it.

I hate it so much. It's an adventure. When we're all out together, I want us to be together and have a good night and everyone else sticks around, but you just, you're like fucking the Tasmanian devil.

You're just... And then we'll try and call you and you won't answer your phone for six weeks. Yeah, yeah. I do love you though. No, I know. But I know that Etta's, she'll grow up and probably be into it

and want to go out and get, and she'll be the same, like, who's new? Let's do it. I think she'd be fine with a new school. She'll be fine. probably be into it and want to go out and get, and she'll be the same, like, who's new? Let's do it. I think she'd be fine with a new school. She'd be fine. You're not moving though? Nine times is genuinely, that's stupid, isn't it?

It's absolutely absurd. Unless you're paying £10 a month for your mortgage, which you're not. Nine times is... No, unless your house is like a bit, is okay. And then that investment is like, oh, there's another bedroom it's bigger it's fucking

well nicer. Is it all of that stuff? No. Right well then what are you talking about? That's a little stupid. No no no no. Especially with Jack's age and making your life harder aren't you? When he's like hey where's the toilet now and he just shits on the floor. Mate I could move Jack to Afghanistan and he wouldn't know the difference. He's just three and he's like

Spider-Man. Speaks the language though. Yeah. I'm going to try and move really quickly. We're getting a house at the back end of this year. So,

conveyance solicitors famously do that as well. What? Conveyance, they're so fast. No, but as quick as possible. So,

I spoke to... Mate, conveyance soliciting, get into it. What a Conveyance, they're so fast. No, but as quick as, sorry, I spoke to. Mate, conveyance soliciting, get into it. What a fucking job that is. Do you get paid by the hour? Because they stretch those motherfucking hours.

I had Joey Hughes remember, so. They're incredible though. Oh, here's a letter. Someone wants to move house, do they?

Do they want to move house? Got a letter everyone. You know, we're conveying solicitors. This probably needs signing and sending back to another solicitor fuck that

let's put it in the file that's three weeks later I believe you brought mail for that bit well done thanks mate I'm a prop comic you know

yeah you need to push them and press them I know so I what is email I I go on holiday next week

come back and then so I spoke to Jack the other day because obviously Jack me, Jack and Keelan we all live together it's like a four bedroom flat it's like cheaper

especially between the three of us and it's been really good Jack's buying loads of furniture at the minute and he's storing it all in his childhood bedroom in his mum's like he's bought like tables

and lamps and all sorts of stuff like that why? because when he buys a house or even moves in, he wants it to be his place. He wants to have his own aesthetic rather than just moving it into a shell.

He loves lamps, doesn't he? Oh, he's like I was two years ago, but trainees, it's absurd. If he sees a lamp, he's like, I'm having me fucking lamp, mate. Where's your story of lamps in that room? The lamp room. Speaking of footwear, I bought a gorgeous pair of shoes that I've wanted for fucking lamp meet. Where's your story of lamps? In that room. The lamp room. Speaking of footwear,

I bought a gorgeous pair of shoes that I've wanted for a year yesterday because I had a job cancelled that I forgot about. And they were like, we're still going to give you the full money. So I used that full money to buy the shoes that I wanted for 40 quid.

Back to Jack and lamps and tables because you've got ADD. So I spoke to Jack today. I was like, do you think we're going to extend our stay here beyond a year? And he was like, no. He's like, I love you and Keelan.

He's like, well, I think I'm just ready for my independence now. I want somewhere to live. It's got to house those lamps. But literally, I need a fucking ladder. It's great hanging out. But what am I doing with these lamps?

So I, by January, could do with somewhere to be moving into. Get started now then. I know. Well, when I get back from Tenerife. Steve's also, he's not here, but Steve's at the house, so go Steve. Because I can't be arsed renting again in January

and finding a new place to live and moving there and then six months or a year later, I haven't moved out of that. So I want to try and find somewhere in the next few months that I can get the ball rolling and get it done. And do you want to know what else is cute? Finn and Arya thinking

about moving in together. That makes me so happy. Oh, it's so cute. In Liverpool? A creator house. Oh, I'll tell you what. I'll just try and buy a big house and you can just come

and live with me. At some point. Oh yeah, she was thinking about buying a suite. That's what you want. Adam Rowe your boss as your landlord I need something

something Jesus Christ nothing could change oh my lord oh that's so cute that you two are going to move in together do we both have to sleep

under the stairs no wardrobe no you can have one room. Why have you gone pencil? Did you not want us to say that? No.

I was just... Does your mum not know? Yeah. You're looking at me like your mum... Oh, Poirot doesn't know. My mum knows. She knows everything. Just get a life-size drawing of Poirot on the back door

and she'll be made of. She'll feel welcome whenever she comes over. Oh. I don't think she'll be over much. I reckon. No. She doesn't really leave the house much. You do see your mum a lot less.

I mean, sorry, but you do see your mum a lot less when you move out. Yeah, and when she dies. Yeah, you don't see them at all.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the worst. Yeah. Thanks for, thanks for prefacing that with a little,

sorry, mate. But when you move out, you know, you've cut, you've cut the apron cords, haven't you? You want to, you want to fly you know, you've cut the apron cords, haven't you? You want to fly.

Yeah, you do. How often do you see your mother? Not as much as I should, but I'm aware of that. That's fine. Oh, that's fine. In my head, it makes it better.

I've killed seven people, but I know exactly how many I've killed. Yeah. No, once a week, but it should definitely be more. And sometimes it isn't once a week because this gets in the way.

I mean, that's not an excuse, but work is busy right now, isn't it? Yeah. I'd love to regress. It'd be great. Just go back and live at home. That'd be fucking quality. No.

I don't want to be a grown-up. I remember living, I didn't move out long ago and I was like, oh, I'm going to miss this. No. I love my mum, but no, I don't miss her.

All right, well, keep us updated, Harry and Finn. Is that all right? Yeah. I did a really weird thing there when I said different names. Yeah. I don't want the updates.

You want updates? And that section was sponsored by Rightmove. Don't go to UK. When are you thinking? Soonish. Probably in the next few months. Ricky Soonish.

I told my mum. I was like, oh, Finn mentioned about potentially us moving, looking for a place. And within 20 minutes, she'd sent me six properties and she was like, just go. I don't think she likes you, Harry.

That is a fuck you. Your mum, the hypnotist and Poirot can move in together. It's like a sitcom. Poirot and the hypnotist. She's like a hypnotist and someone who loves Poirot what could possibly happen we can talk about what we did in London now can't we

oh shit yeah we did, me, Will and Finn oh shit yeah yeah we produced for Theo Vaughan guest Ed Sheeran a lot of people like I understand this but it is like produced for Theo Vaughan, guest Ed Sheeran. A lot of people, I understand this,

but it is like, I just need everyone who listens to this to know. I get so many messages, especially because people are onto the fact that it's me that predominantly books the guests. People message me all the time going, lad, Theo Vaughan's in Manchester. Try and get him on the pod. Every big name that comes anywhere near the studio,

we make every effort to get them in, especially people we think would be great, like Theo Vaughn. I was talking to Theo last week. He tried absolutely everything to make it so that he could get here. But often, when they're coming over from America, we do sort of suffer a little bit from being in Liverpool and not Manchester with this, because all these big international acts, do a show in manchester but often they arrive in manchester

in the early afternoon they go and do a sound check in manchester and then they want to chill before their show and either right after the show or early the next morning they're either going to london or glasgow or amsterdam and it's normally one of those three places that they're fucking off to or Dublin. Um, we tried, he wanted to come and do it. He is coming back either later in the year or early next year,

as is Chris DiStefano. A lot of people like how I dream guest. How was Chris not on the pod? He got to Liverpool at five o'clock. He did a show at seven. He went to bed and he was out the city again by six again next day. Sometimes it just doesn't work. Um, Theo wants to do this. Theo wants to do this.

Chris wants to do this. They all want to do it because they know how influential, especially in the UK, this podcast is. And it'll happen at some point. But in such a mad turn of events, Theo wasn't on our podcast, but Carl and Finn were on his. So Will, Carl and Finn went down as a have a word

production team yeah because because theo just didn't have the cameras audio needed someone to do that side of it so he contacted somebody who contacted me because he wanted a session producer he essentially wanted jamie once i get that off or yeah yeah there's a question i can find it back to him and then we found out that he also needed the crew so I was like well we've got everything so they hired Hathaway

as a production crew we went down made the set everything that you see here everything we made that like where Will

unbelievably like dressed the room made it perfect made all the shots perfect yeah it was just it was insane what was it sound like? oh both of them were

can't speak highly enough stupidly sound yeah we had a meal with them afterwards yeah unbelievable i would be a kicker i know you wouldn't say it on pod but it would be a kicker because i i ed sharon gets like a bit of stick doesn't he because i think he's got so popular and like hardcore musos aren't into it but i like a lot of his music and i i think he comes across as dead sound theo von is one of the funniest podcasters to ever try it oh and and if you came back and went i tell you he's a gobshite i'd have been gutted well i've told you what ed did but i can tell everyone now so ed spoke about giving money to schools because he thinks that oh he's right and thinking that schools are very underfunded

for the art right now. Music, drama, everything is really underfunded, so he's going to help. It's not even just right now, like back in art, the only things we had were like really old DJ, dictionary, that was it. We thought that was normal. And he was,

so he went back and helped his school, he's helped the school amazing, and apparently it's flourished the music, so he said back and helped his school he's helped the school amazing and apparently it's flourished the music so he said i'm gonna take it nationwide so we had something to eat with him when he was gone i was like i just want to thank you for doing that and my partner's drama educated she's in a school now they've got nothing uh music wise and they're really like they really want something to so i said i was going to help out personally maybe give them some money anyway give me a phone give me his email and said i'll pay for the lot um i've been emailed and i'm back and forth this week and he's like just send me what you want

send me an address i'll pay for everything so i've sent can i have this yeah and he's like a lot of money so he's funded cedric's school for music it's it's insane fucking brilliant what a guy and he's so big you're right like what I'm learning more and more about like people who get like sort of massive is the bigger you get I think it's Ricky

Dre spoke about this the bigger you get the more fans you've got but then the more people know you to hate you and hate is so much louder than fandom apart from maybe

with Taylor Swift so you hear a lot of people slag Ed Sheeran off and a lot of people don't really Sheeran off and a lot of people don't really like praise him loads because they're just like, yeah, I like his stuff

and he's massive. And I think the biggest example of that is Coldplay. Like, look how many tickets and albums and streams and stuff Coldplay sell. But like, they're like the band

that everyone's like, they're shit. They're fucking absolutely class. I'd love to see Coldplay live. They're doing Glastonbury again this year? Yeah. Most ever. Fifth time. Do they play a lot of their old stuff I'd love to see Coldplay live they're doing Glastonbury again this year yeah most ever

fifth time do they play a lot of their old stuff because the first two Coldplay before anyone realised they were shite like everyone was like oh these aren't cool mate I was at uni

when Parachutes came out and a rush of blood to the head those I fucking love both of those albums even Vida's not bad oh mate unbelievable

can I ask a question about Anfield by the way, it's class, lads. When you put the picture up, there's certain things where you're like, I'm so used to looking at your face, Carl,

that when you see Ed Sheeran and Theo Von either side, I'm like, and I got loads of messages going, my head's falling off. And that is one of my

favorite Scouse-isms that I didn't have. And I've heard Laura use it in real life. It's filtered to Laura. I was like, how much for a fucking mortgage? But my head fell off and people's head was full. It's just so mental going.

This mate, I know this has happened but it looks, it almost looked like it was like, this is made with AI. Yeah. I had a lot of messages early in the morning because people had listened to it and heard my voice and gone, is that you? Or am I going mad? I was like, yeah, it is me.

I'll wait until it's out and then I'll probably talk about it. But loads of people had a keen ear and knew it was me. And everyone commented on the video, by the way. Unbelievable. Oh, cheers. Keep going. Anfield was set up for Taylor Swift for three nights?

Or is it two or three nights? Three. And now because it's all set up, the script have done it no well it was the script was support and pink yeah right so i went to see pink on monday cool and because i was gonna say how are the script doing anfield what have i fucking missed that they are and they're fucking like a stadium band they were were class. Yeah. They were really good. Really good choice to open for it as well because they're different.

Pink. Fucking pink, mate. What a showman. Honestly, I've never, ever, ever seen anybody

including Taylor Swift look that comfortable on stage. It was like, it reminded me of Ian Stone at the comedy store. Genuinely, that's the only parallel I've got. It's, it's, it was like she it reminded me of ian stone at the comedy store genuinely that's the only

parallel i've got it's it's like it was like everyone was thinking it it was like she was like at a house at her own party in her house she like the bits in between songs where she's talking to the crowd are not and so obviously not and don't feel at all scripted. She's just having a chat and a laugh. She's so genuinely authentic. It just seeps out of her. She's got bangers. Oh, mate. She did an acoustic version of Don't Let Me Get Me,

which is my favorite song of hers. And it was so much better than the original. And I fucking loved it. But she's fucking up in the sky and on trapezes and like it's she is it was like as a sort of show as a spectacle it was as good as Taylor Swift

wow she was fucking unbelievable 20 year vet so obviously so sound oh yeah she's been gone decades since we were kids I think I think Misunder Understood is 2001, which is the first out of 25.

25 years. Yeah. There you go. Women taking over Anfield this month. Okay. Break time. And we are back. Me and Finn are doing a karaoke party.

We're doing a second one. The first one in July sold out within within four hours so me and finn with harry on the door are doing a karaoke party come along and sing with the musical lids and we've got some guests some comedians you'll know have a word legends unconfirmed and we're doing a teddy's on sunday the 22nd of September. The link is live now. If you're watching this on early release, it's live on Patreon because we want you guys, the Patreons,

to get first refusal. Then on Monday, we'll make the link public. I doubt there will be any left. Well, my third country day, which is already sold out, is on Saturday the 21st of september so anyone who's traveling in for that a bit of both oh my god there's going to be some have a word based boozing i am i am working on a lot of people asking for the country days to go

elsewhere i'm going to try and do one in glasgow yeah um and maybe one somewhere else whatever can be asked i keep getting asked about newcastle london and glasgow for the karaoke party if it if it goes well the first one it's for charity it's gonna be a laugh in it so also my country i'll be putting two three four more on sale and if by the way if you turn up to these country days without like fucking dressing for the occasion, you're getting turned away and you're not getting your money back. Dress country or fuck off, yeah? Yeah.

I'm going to a country concert on a Thursday, this coming Thursday. Morgan Stevens. Morgan Stevens, yeah. Morgan Wallace. But Riley Green who was actually my favourite musician on the

schedule yeah oh good looking Riley Green well his record label got in touch with me and offered me

an upgrade on my tickets to do a post for them and I get a meet and greet backstage and a backstage tour you gonna suck him off? I'm gonna try

wow hey I've got that moustache and I get a meet and greet backstage and a backstage tour. You're going to suck them off? I'm going to try. Wow. Hey, I've got that moustache. Can't wait. In the class. Hyde Park, mate. In the sun. In the blazing sun.

We've got some... Where, Sean? Joe Mansbridge says... You're gooching it. Would you ever get a character on, a character act on as their character? So as a podcast, the likes of Milo McCabe as Troy Hawk, can I just say,

I'm really getting into Adam Ray as Dr. Phil. Like the Kill Tony vids are phenomenal. So I've got a confession to make. Go on. So for those who don't know, there's Dr. Phil, the Dr. Phil, the real Dr. Phil,

who does like a self-help, sort of Jeremy Kyle style, but with psychiatric help. Been going like 30 years. Very famous man. Yeah. And then there's a comedian called Adam Ray who does brilliant. Who does a character called Dr. Phil, which is essentially a parody of that first guy.

And he does it so well. And when you shared that clip yesterday, that was the first time ever that I found out they were different people. I just thought the real Dr. Phil had started doing like... Kill Tony. Yeah. i just thought the real dr phil had started doing like kill tony yeah there's a lad called christian who's a young mexican comedian who does kill tony and that clip you know when you're watching i've watched a few of adam ray's clips um his stand-up

is great and he's a great podcaster he'd fly on here but his doctor his ability to ad lib as dr phil is amazing like christian the mexican kid was like yeah i don't i really talked to my dad he was like oh let's talk about that and they ad lib the conversation he was having he was like i'll be your dad you be you and he's like what's happening christian what's up i say i was like oh i was howling laura gets a bit touchy about stuff like that weirdly i find that's a good test of something being funny she was howling he is brilliant

and he'd be I think honestly you could even have him on as Dr. Phil I think Adam Ray would be fire as a guest

but I think it would work like he might be the one example so I've always been against it but I'm at the stage where

I'm like yeah it'd be interesting to try it and see if it works. Like when we've had Milo McCabe on before and he was just himself. Before he blew up. Yeah. So maybe we try,

I have tried to get Milo back on a few times but he's just so unbelievably busy. Maybe we get Milo back on, but it's as Troy and just see how we go. Even if we do two halves, one is Troy, one is Milo. Tricky though, isn't it? Because he's so good.

Troy Hawke is brilliant, one is Milo. Tricky though, isn't it? Because he's so good. Troy Hawke is brilliant. But there are points in podcasting when you just drop it down into conversation, don't you? Yeah. So does he have to just do sincere chat as Troy Hawke? What would Troy say in that situation? Yeah, he's talented enough to do that. But it's a, yeah, it's a pressure.

Yeah, it's a big answer. Yeah. I'd be like, everything's open, isn't it? uh i'd be like everything's open isn't it yeah man the kill tony stuff over it's over fuck me cover that is over um i they've done such a good job with kill tony with getting the acts and like the the arena show they did was all of the best like they're they're mining out the talent from probably some fucking lunatics. But they are, because there's so much national interest in America for Kill Tony,

they're getting the very best brand new comedians. And it's such a good show. If you've never watched much Kill Tony. Hinchcliffe's about to be one of the biggest comics going, I think because of how well he's done on the roast

that roast was ridiculous unbelievable stupid like he's he's hot property now I think and I see them talking on Two Bears

about how they didn't really want him and it was Joe Rogan spoke to Tom Brady for him and was like

this is the best roaster on the planet and you've got to get him on and Brady's like I'll sort it out even after that there was like execs like I'm not sure they wanted names and then when it came out and I might sort of be sort of paraphrasing or misremembering a bit of this but they wanted him on the dais if he was going to do it and then he was like can you just let me do it the way I want to do it?

Let me just come on from the crowd and walk around. Just trust me, it'll be so much better. And then apparently the stage manager was really great and worked with him on it and was like, oh, I see what you're trying to do. But he very nearly didn't get on the roast of Tom Brady and he was far and away the success story. Everyone's talking about Nicky Glazer.

I also thought it was really good to see Bert Kreischer talking about the fact that if Schultz had gone much earlier in the show, a lot of people would be talking about Schultz the way they're talking

about Tony and Nicky because Schultz's roast was class. It was just, he was about two and a half hours into the roast and he still killed it. So how good would he have done earlier

when people weren't as tired? I think Tony's going to be absolutely massive now. I've gigged with him once at New York Comedy Club. Good. Both just doing 10 minutes, yeah. Love it. That's a guy who's been on Rogan for years as well. Yeah, he's one of his OGs, isn't he?

Three hours of roast. Well, it's because they did it like they do with old TV, which is like, we'll film loads and then we'll cut it back. But then they streamed it live and left like 90% of it in. Legendary. We've got another. Tresco says. Can I hear it?

Tresco says. Why does that bother me? It's great. It's not going anywhere. No, it's like there's a string in my brain and someone just goes... Don't. Tresco says,

got a little game show thingy type thing for you. Oh, that sounds good. You're placed in a room with a motion sensor that is connected to a light you move the light comes on now for each minute you stay in that room without turning the light on you will gain two thousand pounds start again i was thinking about something else adam's out by the way i'm gonna start again i've got a little game show thingy. It's called Podcast with Adam.

And you have to start a paragraph and see if he's still with you by the end. Guess what? You've already lost. You're placed in a room with a motion sensor that is connected to a light. If you move, the light comes on. Now, for each minute you stay in that room

without turning the light on, you will gain £2,000. How long do you think you can stay in that room for? How much are you going to win? Two grand. Deathly stills, so impossible. I had this in Nashville. You wake up every minute.

You're having epilepsy wanks. I'd get two grand because I'd just win the two grand from the first minute and then I'd be bored but I'd take me two grand and go for a nice meal right you have to get to the end

of the minute to get that grand you reckon you can do a minute yeah right can you lie down I'd suggest I'd lie down then

you you probably are allowed to pick your position lay down reverse cowgirl yeah on your knees that's ten grand easy yeah if I lay down to pick your position? Lay down. Reverse cowbell. Yeah.

On your knees. 10 grand easy. Yeah, if I lay down, I could probably do 10 minutes without like twitching. I don't know, man. Could you? Like you think you can because you're like,

yeah, I sleep all the time. You don't. I do every night. Yeah, but you don't. When do you stay fucking stock still? If I wanted to, I could win as unlimited because it doesn't say that you can't start again when the light comes on

and you've still got the money you've banked. So I could stay still for a minute and then do a fucking dance. No, no, no. Once the light comes on, end of game. No, it says every time the light comes on. No, no. I think that's purpose.

Tresco. Bro, I know what Tresco's thinking. Once the light goes on, end of game, and you get a total. So if you've done five minutes, bang. You get. I think I could do an hour if I wanted to, but I wouldn't want to. You lay down, don't you? I'm going'm just sat

hugging my knees oh yeah you could do that sat hugging my knees like a woman in a movie who's just witnessed a murder sad sad shower yeah

yeah stood up I'm a minute an hour the fucking confidence yeah yeah just to be fair like

that isn't going to turn a light on is it like it's like a It's like a... A motion sensor's moving, isn't it? You can probably sway a little bit. No, but if you go to itch your nose...

Yeah, but you do this. No, that's it. That movement is light on. Do you reckon? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Carl's just being like, I don't trust this sensor. I can move however I want to. I can't do Pilates.

It's sensitive, that, though. Yeah, it is. It is. My nose is itching. Yeah. Well, I'd start the thing like this, then. No worries. What about blinking?

Does that count? No, you can blink. You can blink. See, look. Everyone itching. Right, what if your arsehole starts itching? I was never going to itch that. I'd do the thing where you do this.

And itch it. You'd itch your arsehole with your arsehole. You moved. Or you fart and try and itch it. That's, by the way, the best life ever gets there, is itching your arsehole with a fart. Unless it makes it worse. What do you mean?

It makes it worse? It can. I've never had that. You can have an itchy arsehole and go, I just fart when I'm out, and then go, oh. That's if you poo. Yeah, that's if you poo. I've never had that. Oh, not if you can't.

If I get an itchy arseso and I've got a far through and honestly that is like the stars aligning it's like God's going to your dad have a good day kid once your balls

are stuck to the inside of your leg to not move that off would be torture I honestly think I'm maybe walking away with six grand

and then my body's just going to do something I reckon you could do an hour yeah if you pick a stress position and just get over it lay down

eyes closed stick a podcast or some music on sound yeah I reckon you could do an hour. Yeah, if you pick a stress position and just lay down. Eyes closed. Stick a podcast or some music on. Sound. Yeah. Make sure you get comfy. Like, well, fall asleep. Even better.

Wake up a millionaire, mate. Bore. I wouldn't want to because it is boring. I'd just take two grams of golf. It's boring. Cut it on an hour. Don't need your money. I'm out of here.

We are going to do some revenge-based confessions because we did a revenge story last week and we've had quite a few in. So these are essentially confessions. I read one of these as they came in. But they're all revenge stories. One of our biggest clips ever is Revenge. Jimmy Carlin. Ah, it's the sneaky one.

The Ibiza special. Anyone? Alright. Another snake one. What? Zach's broke up with him or cheated on him and then he he started a fake Facebook thing and the answer was snake

and you have to text the word snake to her number so she just got loads of people texting her the word snake it was unbelievable

nicely done Simon Cole says wag wag lids petty revenge story for you my every delivery driver one day told me they refused to take

any parcels in for me when I'm even when I'm out even though I would often... Right, hang on. Is this guy all right? That's totally all right, man. Have you delivered driving?

My every driver's the dum-dum-bum. I was out and go that boo-ah. Get on that. Revenge. Keep that ball in. Simon Cole says, Wag-wag wag lids petty revenge story for you my every delivery driver one day told me my neighbor refused to take any parcels in for me when i'm out even though i would often take in stuff for them so now because they grow veg in the back of the garden whenever i find that whenever i find snails and slugs i throw

them onto their veg patch um i appreciate that how often are you finding slugs and snails yeah they're not as prominent as when we were kids by the way no oh and spiders did you i was just made aware of a story from australia where a 19 year old healthy fit lad was a rugby player and they were all just on the pierce like having a barbecue and someone saw a slut sucking each other and someone saw a slug and went a day mal you should eat that and he went ah and then finished his pilates and did it and just swallowed it died and it gave him rat lungworm and oh my god that's made me feel awful what's that a horrific form of meningitis and the kid died like nine years later just from doing the way wouldn't that be funny and just from eating a slug fucking ruined his life

what's a dirty slug don't eat slugs that's quite a common thing isn't it no but you can imagine lads being like, ah, you should do that. You shouldn't have to get taught that in school. Oh, no one ever told me not to eat slugs. Oh, God. I mean, that's natural selection at its finest, unfortunately. Laura wants her little...

The French are going to be fucking gutted about that. Are they that young? They famously do. We love any slug... Oh! It's a ladies it's a, it's a, it's a,

it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a,

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it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a,

it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a,

it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a,

it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a,

it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, We love snacking on slob. Welcome to Paris. We love a slob. It's going to be France-England in the final of the Euros, isn't it? 0-0. I don't think Turkey have anything to say. 0-0 on penalties and they just end the tournament. Not if Ragnik's Austria have anything to say about it. Yeah, they don't, though.

They do. They look decent. They do look decent. They look fucking decent. England are still favourites and France are third favourites. Well, no one's concentrating then. What are we doing? I think Gareth Southgate and

obviously there's going to be games before this even goes out so we don't know but I think he's doing like the ultimate rope-a-dope he knew

they'd breeze through that group so he's just looking shite and then they're going to come out in the next round and just fucking blitzkrieg everyone I think

that's off France are they doing as well but then are they who are England playing Slovakia yeah Slovakia? Yeah. Slovakia then it's either Switzerland or a bad Italy team

and then the semi-final will probably be Holland. Right. Yeah. It's been I mean And Phil Foden's gone home

for the birth of his third child. No. Is that what it is? It's his mum's new XL bully got delivered and she was like Phil it's a bit big can you come home

can't get it through what actually is it because I nearly made all of these jokes on Twitter but then I was like oh if someone's dying it's his kid

it's his third child being born oh is it this kid is mate Phil Foden is racking up some children how old is he 23

yeah he's only third he's just coming man's gonna be fucking 16 kids in by the time he retires stats mate I had a room with that just once they're juicy free backy Just come in, eh? Man's going to be fucking 16 kids in by the time he retires.

Stats, mate. I heard a rumour that is just one of their juicy free backy. I've heard that one as well. She's like, I can't wait to the end of the tournament, Phil, so he's going out in the group. I know she's sucking her Excel bullies off. Stick Phil Foden's margaret. She's the new John Terry's margaret.

What did John Terry's margaret? I don't remember. So this is one of my favourite stories ever. So, you know, John Terry obviously is like a sort of, apart from Chelsea and real like super England fans, everyone hates John Terry, don't they? I'd have liked him on my team, but he seemed like a bit of a twat. He was, you know,

allegedly racist to Anton Ferdinand and his defence was, I didn't call you a black cunt. I said, I didn't call you a black cunt, which is such a weird defence of racism. And then he shagged Wayne Bridge's wife and shit like that. So he's very much hated.

And Liverpool fans had a song about John Terry and it goes like this. John Terry's ma, she loves the Scouse car. And it's because she was shagging some Scouse fella for a bit, allegedly. God, they're real gossipers on the terraces there at Stamford Bridge, aren't they? In the court case with Anton Ferdinand for the racism stuff,

John Terry, on the witness stand got asked by his own lawyer, can you please recount the song that Liverpool fans sing to you about your mother? So in the public record on the stand, John Terry is quoted as saying, John Terry's ma, she loves the Scouse car. Do you think the solicitor just broached that with him before

and like, listen, go with me. This is going to win this case. I think the solicitor's a fucking cop. He didn't have to sing, did he? He didn't sing. Imagine if he sang it and went, and he's got a Liverpool top up. Up the fucking reds, you knobhead.

What were we talking about? Slugs, yeah. Eating slugs. Classic H, yeah. Eating slugs. Classic Havre word moment. It's got screeching written all over it. By the way, if you've got a neighbour who grows veg in the back of the garden, I fucking...

Even if they're a bit of a bellend, why is a snail over... Oh, this is because you're about to buy land in Cheshire. What about my cabages? No, you'd... See, you do this and you're just sabotaging your neighbour, growing some veg. What about my cabbages? No, you'd... Like, see, you do this and you're just sabotaging your neighbour. Growing some veg.

What happens if you're making the Sunday dinner one week and you realise you're out of cabbage? Yeah, well, I'm not... We're out of chicken dippers. Oh, babe, I forgot to get turnips. Go and knock next door. Colin will have some. The neighbour should just grow up

and take the fucking parcels in. What? Take the fucking parcels in. I take them all. Take the parcels in and keep them. Yeah, but you're the new bin leader, aren't you? He's dead. Al-Qaeda.

No, but you are. It was Brian's job. You're called the bin leader. Yeah, I'm the bin moaner. I think you're the fucking dad of the street, mate. I'm trying to get it. Are you? I've complained a couple of times.

You're like Jude Bellingham. Like, you'd already be a captain. Yeah. Even though you're, like, 19. A lot of people are coming to me for things, and I do like it. Oh. Kiss the fucking ring.

My ass. Yeah. Not much to take your bins out to, you love. Kiss my asshole. I will do it. I'm not saying no. I'm saying, for me to do that you're gonna have to give me

a little peck on the bumhole know what I mean Carl Carl have you got a package from ASOS yeah yeah yeah there's my arsehole pucker up Louise

oh god that was my old neighbours name what are you fucking going through my neighbours names yeah

I am I am I was just like oh I've been accused of some things on here but that's gonna take some recovering from I was just like post Name? Yeah, I am. I am. Oh, I've been accused of some things on here, but that's going to take some recovering from. I was going to say post, but I was like, why would they be on my post? I've got a letter for you. It's not, it's for Louise.

Louise says, I just read it off here. Hi, lads. Petty revenge story. I was dumped after a long-term relationship and he wanted to save friends afterwards. I paid for a Netflix account, but I still let him have a profile. But out of bitterness,

I would sneak onto his profile and find a new series he was watching and occasionally fast forward 20 minutes on an episode or skip ahead a few. Wow. But only now and again at random frequencies. He must have caught on because he then pin protected his profile

in which I then got an email from Netflix as the account holder with a copy of his new pin unbeknownst to him. This fun continued until he ultimately decided to pay for his own fucking account. That took six months. That is from Louise, Carl's neighbor. That is world-class revenge play.

Is there anything worse than being like into the CDs you're watching and just being like, have I fucking missed something yet? Oh, I started killing Eve, by the way. Oh, Jodie Comer's insane. The first series is unreal. The first series is, it's pitiful.

Is it really? Yeah. So I've watched two episodes, but I already love it. Oh, it's fucking insane. That's Phoebe Waller-Bridge. That's the girl in Ruffalo Bag of Wands. It's mad that Jodie Comer does such a good job

of playing a Russian, but she is so obviously Scouse. Do you think? She looks Scouse. Her face is so Scouse. She looks Russian. No, like, this is genuinely,

you are so sort of honorary Scouse because of this podcast and you're here so often. This is premier level. The telepathy that Scousers have where like, I will, do you know what, I this is this is premier level the the like telepathy that scousers have we're like i i will i i'll do this when i'm away next week in tenerife there will be

a day where i'm on the strip or somewhere and i will see someone and go there scouse them and i will get my phone out and i will video self record myself walking over to them and asking where they're from there is just so i i'm it sounds like i believe in fairies but scousers just know who the scousers are from just something in their head and jodie comer is a scouser and you can see it even when she's doing the russian accent well i was blown away when i found out she was scouse like i didn't know i'd know i think she's my we played that game we played that game in the church before the Anfield Anfield didn't we yeah and most people

are Norwegian she's in my hall pass Jodie Comer as like one of the more attainable ones what do you think well she's Scouser isn't she so

if I could pick anyone if I was allowed she only fucks Scousers if I was allowed any one hall pass for me it'd be Florence Pugh just because I feel

it's more realistic oh yeah Florence Pugh, just because I feel it's more realistic. Oh, yeah. Florence Pugh. Friend of Louise. Natasha says... Natasha says... I was in a relationship with my ex for three years. Don't be in a relationship with your ex for three years.

You crazy bit. I was in a relationship with my ex for three years and used to work for him. Oh, yeah. On the dick. He had his own landscaping business and used to make YouTube videos

as a side hustle. He made a couple of hundred quid off the videos each month. I filmed the videos, edited, and ran his YouTube channel. I found out he cheated on me two weeks after our three-year anniversary.

Shit! So I deleted all his highest-earning videos. I don't care about being anonymous. He knows I did it, and I have no regrets. Now, the thing is, Natasha, you have struck a chord there with me because that is an evil that is too close to home for me yeah but if you'd done something horrific yeah

you reap what you sow if Laura came after my insta oh there would be revenge from me what if she was making it better what do you mean everyone wants to see fucking this is my mouth

is that the one on instagram listen it honestly it if we get our fyps out together it's an embarrassment it's an embarrassment mine is basically porn hub with some 90s formula one as you know i'm obsessed with and hers is like oh my god look at that a cupboard look at where i've put that plant near a cupboard have you thought about using plants near cupboards and there's another one and another one so just a wall of dross there's no tits anywhere do you follow laura on instagram. You don't know that for sure, do you? Yeah. He's so weird with social media.

Took him like fucking three years to follow Finn. You follow Harry yet? You don't follow Harry yet? All right, all right. Does he follow you? Oh, wow. Right, I'm doing it. You don't follow Laura?

You're following your wife. Robbo Harry. There you go. Still not following his wife Gabby I don't want to see any cupboards or plants near cupboards cupboard love

cupboard love let me just check on my wife the big piece of chicken I must follow her chicken legs I like chicken legs thank fuck for that what

I am following her Jesus Christ go on like a random picture from when you weren't together just do it for the fucking What? I am following her. Jesus Christ. Go and like a random picture from when you weren't together. Just do it for the fucking banter. I was in a challenge back then. What do you mean?

Oh, you've been together. What do you mean? She's going to go, oh my God, he's trying to fuck me. Yeah. Constantly. I can like any picture.

Oh, wow. Her first ever post. Go and like it. Comment it. Let's go. Let's have a look. Couples do look alike. Comment that and go fuck me girl what

when are you going on holiday brum brum well there you go i can't remember what we're talking about someone been deleting youtube videos yeah fuck that don't do that don't do that that's nasty let's have a break welcome back justin morose hey hello everybody i think he might have been our second ever guest all right who's the first paul paul yeah second ever guest it's taken this long to invite me back i wasn't even here i wasn't here then oh that's mental oh my god it was yeah august 2020 just use yeah it was the three of us yeah it was in the darkest recesses. You were there.

I wasn't. He wasn't. He was in Japan. I did not. He started the next week. Yeah. He refused to work with Justin. I'll tell you.

I stayed in Japan a week. He said that Phoenix Knights is shit. And I remember him from that. And I first met you. Well, I met you before you went, I think, with Adam. But then I met you because Freddie was doing one in one in runcon as well weren't you at the time yeah and then you was there yeah i wouldn't never say about phoenix nights by the way love it just saying i don't mind i know i know but i'm not letting the piece land

i spent 20 years people asking me about phoenix nights right and i'm not asked because i used to work on the radio and you get somebody who's in Emmerdale and they're doing Run For Your Wife at Bolton Octagon. Before the Shirelles is finished, they go, by the way, I don't want to talk about Emmerdale. You think, what? Why the fuck do you think you're here? No one's arsed about you doing your play. You're here because you're a bit of a name,

so I don't mind talking about it. People ask you all the time. It's also mad when musicians hate their best song not the best song but like that refuse to play it yeah the one that gets like their the biggest reaction musicians like i don't like playing that anymore because you know it made me all me money it's the reason everyone's here so i'm just not playing and then conversely the guy who plays it four times in a set that's also like who does that who doesn't play it i know padamore didn't play misery business we did new kate is anybody who doesn't play it I know Paramore didn't play Misery Business but did New Kate is anybody who doesn't

play their big Radiohead refused to play Creep for years because it was their big international hit yeah but they

that's the thing with Justin you've had a great career though haven't you but you've had a great career where you've fucking nailed it

with other stuff if you are only famous for one thing and then everything else has been a bit dog shit it must be just constantly annoying to be like hey remember that good thing you're in done everything there is to do by the

way like everything literally everything mcintyre's roadshow apollo qi all the big he's done real countdown in dictionary corner did you yeah that's cool real countdown twice got a got a nine letter word that even suzy dent didn't get what was it oh that's a win yeah what did you yeah I would die there and then

it was one of the greatest moments of my life and she just turned to me she just went well done Carl Shaggs I would remember that forever she's amazing she's so good

do you know like when it goes she's like going like and you think oh she's she knows the words she's literally doing a gas bill she's amazing she's so good do you know like when it goes she's like going like you think oh she's she knows the words she's literally doing a gas bill she's online she's online doing a facebook and all genuinely she's on there going like oh my god isn't the producer of that a former champion yeah damien yeah and he's like he's like idiot so apparently they all play it yeah like they're actually all playing the game they ask you right, right, when you go on, they go,

do you want an earpiece? And you go, what? And they go, so we can give you the words. And I go, no, I want to play the game. I'd want to play the game. Because they can go in your ear

and go, it's that for seven. Whisper it in your ear. And I go, no, I'd rather just play it. I wonder who's taken that. Most. I'll tell you.

Most. I used to watch it every day when I got home from school and I used to love it and the maths one as well. Did you really plus one it with your dad? What? Did you really plus, or was that a joke? That was a joke I did.

I forgot about that. I used to do a bit about, my dad, I'd get home from school and my dad would be having a nap and I'd set the clock back an hour and when my dad woke up, I'd put countdown on plus one and just like blitz every round.

Yeah, but my dad's really good with words. So he used to like watching it. And the words I was fine with, but the maths I was obviously always really good with. And I used to love like getting that competitive with my dad. I love that word, obviously there. The numbers obviously I was very good with. That's obviously O-B-V-I-O-S, that's fair, eight.

It's such a good day that, because eight I love it it's such a good day that because one day you do five shows in a day and it's like clockwork it's in Leeds isn't it no no it's in Manchester now it's in Salford

moved over a few years ago did it used to I'm sure it used to be a Leeds thing ITV Yorkshire used to be made that where they make Emmerdale don't want to talk about that

don't want to talk about what was in there but now yeah it's in it's in soul for the doc 10 and um and it's colin uh colin murray who hosts it now and he's just like he loves it so there's a real enthusiasm before it was anne robinson she was have you seen when she was doing it the last one i saw was jeff was it jeff stellan was he he did it for a bit and the guy from the apprentice was doing it for a while Nick Dempsey not Nick Dempsey who's the OG

was it Des Lynam Des Lynam no he has done it he has done it I knew it I see fucking laughing at me he was Richard Whiteley

that's who I'm thinking of he's the old twice nightly twice nightly Whiteley because he used to do the news didn't he and he did the news in Yorkshire he was like

our kind of what's he called do they have warm I'm sure someone told me. Jonathan Mayer was doing warm up for that for a while. Yeah, Lou did it for ages, but they haven't got an audience since COVID. Right. I don't think it needs an audience, except when they go,

has anybody not got the conundrum? They should turn it on the crowd, didn't they? I'd love to see Jonathan Mayer, by the way, in an audience and Nana's say the words, I can feel a bisexual coming on. With three old women on the front row have you ever done warm-up yeah yeah got one didn't you i did uh oh you don't remember got one's uh dressing for summer what i learned is it's all about the confidence

because he fucking reiterated that a fair few times that's the one where the producer I remember you leaving an agent because of warm up yeah

yeah oh shit oh well I've only ever had one agent so I know where this is going I remember your agent just going you're going doing this

and you're just like this is not where so we do not want to talk about that. No, it's funny. It was funny. You said, what do you think about this? And I went, you shouldn't be doing that, mate. The best warmer ever did was for John Bishop

when I think you were on it. Do you remember? Only joke. It was the only joke in. I'm sure you did it. No, I didn't do it, no. I was a program associate, I think. Mick was on it it but he was usually

his warm up so I got Monday Tuesday Wednesday for whatever reason there was a break on Thursday and it went so well I got a phone call on the Thursday

that agent Lee got a phone call on Thursday going hey we're going to stick him on and that was amazing John Bishop's crowd all dead sound they're all there

to see stand up they're also not Stuart Lee type fans where you're like yeah I like comedy but it has to be a certain type of comedy they're all there to see stand up they're also not stewart lee type fans where you're like yeah i like comedy but it has to be a certain type of comedy they're just up for it and then on the other side of that pappy's fun club warm up for pappy's fun club in glasgow i've never died on my hoop for so long i bet the problem died as well when the floor manager went, Dan, keep talking. I did.

How bad must things have to be for you to stop talking? I was on the third stage. I was trying to predict when there was a break. I was like, these cunts are going to start again in a second. I'm not starting something. So I pause for too long. Dan, keep talking. I've done a few and I've done quite a few in the like 10 years ago

I was trying to write I wrote sitcom for Radio 4 two seasons on Radio 4 and then we got the we think this could be on BBC One and I was thinking

all the time I don't think so because it's me because you never think it's going to be you know what I mean so we wrote this sitcom for BBC One

and we had Maureen Lippman in it we had Patrick Ballardy out of the office you know the guy from the office who plays the manager of the Swindon branch, you know. Really good fun. We made this sitcom. We really

loved it. And we knew it wasn't going to get commissioned when the commission editor left before we performed. So I'd done all these warm-ups. I'd been on these different shows. I got sacked off Porridge after one episode I got paid off for the series. Why? You were on porridge?

No, when porridge came back. It was the warm-up. Not the original. I was going to say. How old did you go out? Not for the hit replacement, but I'm not that fucking old. I used to be Charlie Chapman's opener. Charlie Chapman? Great player.

Great player. Charlie Chapman. I think he played for Tottenham in the 60s so I did these warps for porridge yeah so I loved it really good fun because it's like doing 350 people in Salford

like and it's me doing stand up and I'm pretty good at it and they're sort of my kind of crowd but it was almost too good for the show. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was doing too, I mean, that sounds like,

no, the analogy is, your managers fluff them, not make them come. Yeah. And it's not, you can't help it. I can't help it. There's jizz everywhere.

It's a justice show. You know, it's like, the thing about, you can't be that close to humble brags, by the way. But it's that thing about our game, isn't it?

Is that, I hate that kind of, I think when you're on a mixed lineup on a comedy lineup and the cup everyone's got to go and smash it yeah i love it people just go oh i'll never follow terry olsen or i could never go on after adam rowe everything i'd say it's fucking great because they lift it up there and you've got to get up there and that's how you'd approach every game so i wouldn't do it you've had that as a compare though like people used to i don't know how aware you are of it but like there was the sort of attitude towards like the compare shouldn't do that well at clubs

yeah paul smith used to get it loads this is long before he became paul smith like i'm talking when we were in like the crown pub paul used to like bits in the middle yeah and like the comics who were getting you know they were sort of like newer acts getting like 30 and 50 quid and whatever and they just couldn't follow him people like he shouldn't be doing that well compa and it's like that's absolutely not his responsibility it's your responsibility to follow it never seen a great comic whinge about that no totally but it's it's the only thing i've ever heard anyone be critical of your compa is that it was too funny and that there's other compares i've heard other like that other people are better compers

because they don't smash it as much, but they set the room up. They're not compers, but they make the night... Do you know what I mean? I hate this phrase when they go, he's not even done the rules. What do you mean the rules? He's made people laugh and he's got the audience...

Your job is to warm up, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. My favourite one I did, I did Citizen Khan. Do you remember that show? I did the first one, I came home and I went, that show is the funniest thing I've ever seen. I've never seen anything as funny in my life in the room. And I don't know why people didn't love it

as much as it was when it was on television. Hang on, were these the live shows? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. They're live recording. Oh, right, okay. So it was filmed in front of an audience.

And on the night, it was brilliant. But the audience was mixed. So it was a half white audience half brown audience so I was having fun with them by the time of the third week they were bringing me samosas and everything

I was like getting right in there I was like the Desi warm up that's what they were calling me they've accepted you as one of their own there and then you say to the audience they say

just so you know I said don't want this to be weird but when we do do scenes in the mosque if you could remove your shoes and all the white people were taking their shoes off justin this is a compliment but i don't want it to to say like i don't want to never start with this is a compliment i don't want to sound like it i'm trying to like paint you as a jack-of-all-trades because you fucking smash

but you are so good at going this is this crowd i'm gonna i'm gonna smash it you can change gear to there's not many comics can can fucking hump saturday night the frog or like saturday night at rawhide and then go and do edinburgh and then just like you've said play a half asian half white like tv warm-up gig you're so good and i always admired that when i was getting going i was like i want to be employable i don't want to be one of those comics like ah they didn't get me because this is this is just me so they don't get me i like being a comic who's like cool i'm gonna meet you halfway and adapt to that you're unbelievable i don't even meet him halfway i head them off at the pass. People are always looking for an audience.

I need to find my audience. No, you don't. You need to find your voice. And then you need to... I've got this big thing in comedy where I think, if you think something's funny, right? If in your head, you write a joke and you go, that's funny. In my opinion, without any shadow of a doubt,

for as long as time lasts, it's funny. It's your job to convince the audience it's funny that's all it is yeah once you've written and it's funny it's funny that's it there's funny there you're just not selling it well you're just not and you just gotta do different things for different audiences and i think i think it's i think i spent about 10 years being a comic and in that time i was doing loads of radio and different things and i took my eye off the ball and i wasn't doing it and And then one day I just went. I remember it.

Yeah. I remember it. Like, I remember you coming back because you were earning good money and you were working every morning. And I remember gigging with you and going, oh, it's interesting. Yeah. Because Justin is, you were at like 70% of what you were. Yeah, yeah.

And I remember we had a chat about it. And I came home and I just went, I can't do it. Within about two years you quit and I gigged with you and i was like yeah there you go we talked about this before though any sort of success whether it's you know like sort of the extracurricular stuff you do as a stand-up like radio or hosting tv and it can even be getting a big stand-up fan base makes a lot of comics worse it makes them lazy they end up performing to just their own crowd. They never test it in front of as new a crowd

as they can possibly get to. And it's very easy to go, I want a good bit of money now and I can just fucking phone this in and it'd be fine. It takes a lot of work once you're doing well as a comic to stay as good. And it takes even more work to get even better. And I think the only way you can really do it

is by staying in and going back to comedy clubs. But when you're earning a chunk of money and you have to be in a studio at half four in the morning and you're there till 10 and then you've got a nap and then where's your life? That's it. Like breakfast radio will fuck up your standup, won't it? But when you're 75, yeah, and you look back on your life,

no one's ever going to go, oh, he did the best traffic and travel i've ever heard you did by the way but if somebody goes like like the other day i saw something and this is so pathetic but cochran right cochran who's a comic that i admire retweeted something of mine that i was doing and he just said all that just and stuff he's one of the most quotable and i went went, oh, I like that. I like that people who I admire think that I'm quotable or I've got those things.

And what drives me forward, and I've said this to both of you, and you're at the same position, you two, because I don't know if you notice, people listening and watching this, these are fucking loaded. You have created such fucking ego monsters, right? And it's a good job that you've had people like me go

before you made the mistakes and stopped doing stand-up because you're both carrying on doing it, aren't you? Because you love it. I'm obsessed with it. Like, I stopped touring a month ago, like five weeks ago now. And we were in London last week for some filming for this. So you managed three weeks off. Yeah, three weeks off.

We had the nights free. So I just popped into a couple of the comedy clubs and did 10 and then this weekend i i was just off like in doing this all week i go away next week uh for like a proper holiday and i just had this weekend off i was like i don't know what i'm gonna do and then simon from the comedy store sent an email blast out going we need someone for the weekend and i was like i'm just gonna fucking go and so i didn't get it so i didn't get it simon i went to tokyo with joel dominant before he was famous and we did some gigs like that's Is that why I didn't get it? Is that why I didn't get it, Simon? I went to Tokyo with Joel Dominic before he was famous and we did some gigs. That's an Arctic Monkey song.

That's an Arctic Monkey song, isn't it? I'm just... All right. What did I say before? Anything that sounds like an Arctic Monkey song. So me and Joel went to Tokyo to do these gigs and they were like really fun gigs and everything else, but we had a day off and we went and did open spots at the Tokyo Comedy Club yeah fucking brilliant

fucking sure yeah was that the most fun of the trip though like yeah yeah we had we bought our souvenirs and told them the audience and everything else and also the Tokyo amateur comedy scene isn't that very good so we absolutely smashed it when we were in Berlin for Paul Smith's stag do, we were away from them for this bit, but some of them found a comedy club and they went in and Freddie and Paul got on and Freddie smashed it and Paul died on his ass. I bet Freddie's not mentioned that, has he?

They call quotch or something that comedy club. No, I can't remember what it was. It wasn't cosmic comedy because that was the one we tried to get into but they said you're all too drunk and it's a stag do some now which is fair enough yeah have you ever done gigs abroad where have you done i've done some european ones in september the start of this tour they were fun different slower pace very sort of challenging to slow my voice down a lot done quite a bit of uh stuff in new york just in the clubs and then dubai yeah about to announce australia you do you do you do you smash australia

i'm really excited i love australia i've done it twice like one of the best places to do comedy ever it's just never been at all but september this year it looks like we're gonna do a week about five shows i think and this might sound, I think we're just a bit ahead. You know, like, America's a bit ahead of us in terms of stand-up. Yeah. I think we're a bit ahead of Australia. So we've got a little bit of an advantage when we go there

and we can do well there. But it's brilliant. They love comedy as well. They really appreciate it and take it seriously. Yeah, you'll love it. So it's like a run of festivals out there. Because I know New Zealand sort of bookends it, doesn't it? Yeah.

But is it like Perth, Adelaide? I don't know. I've only done Melbourne. And then I did a tour. I did the Melbourne Comedy Roadshow. But I did Western Australia right up the coast. Oh, nice. That was amazing, yeah.

But they're all February to May. And then New Zealand's May, yeah. I'm going to go in September and just do one-off shows. I'm not going to do... I don't want to be away for... Spring, you'll be going in spring, then it'll be nice, that. I think it is spring, yeah.

It's the other way around, isn't it? Bloody bonkers. That comedy roadshow thing is, I'd fucking love that. Not that I wouldn't love doing the festivals, quality, but to be like, hey, do you want to stick around

for three weeks afterwards? We're getting a van. Get a van. And we're going to go up to middle of fucking nowhere on the on the east coast of australia yeah well west coast west coast you get out you get out your hotel right and it go turn left onto i1 the sat nav ago you go go under 400 kilometers turn left

you have arrived that's all it was next town went to all these like mining towns like like little ports and everything very industrial where it's was fucking brilliant. You know Ronnie Cheng? Yeah. He was on the tour with us. Oh, wow. And Nicky Britton and me and Dave Callan. And God, I forgot his name, Australian guy. He doesn't come over here very often.

Forgot his name. Oh, that's going to look shit when this comes out, isn't it? But when people go, oh, I'm on tour, like I remember hearing that and going, ah, it must be cool. It must be like the bus in Almost Famous. Yeah. And actually, it's just, you know, gigs, isn't it? Yeah, you do go on the road a little bit.

So if you're doing like Cardiff and Bristol, but that's just like it was on the circuit. Do you think that when you're on tour, like I bet some people say to you, don't they, Adam? They go, oh, but you're knackered out. You've been on tour for so long. You go, it's probably easier than doing what I normally do because I've planned I'm going to go there, there, and there, normally do because I planned I'm going to go there there and there

and then come home I'm going to go there and then come home but when you I found I did find it easier doing club weekends where you're

like where you're in sort of Birmingham for three days and you're not checking in and out of hotels and you just you've got a base for three days

I did find that a little bit easier than Birmingham Nottingham Leicester Soundcheck and constant soundcheck the tour we've just done was class did you do soundcheck I did find that a little bit easier than Birmingham, Nottingham, Leicester, somewhere else in the Patee time as well. And constant soundchecks. The tour we've just done was class.

Did you do a soundcheck? Jack done a lot of them for me. What do you do in a soundcheck when you're standing? I don't even know what to do. I've been doing this 25 years. Got to practice the intro and outro, otherwise someone's like, I'll just keep hitting buttons. I don't know.

Genuinely, they go, and I go, hello, hello, hello. Sounds good to me. And they go, yeah, sounds good to me. And I go, glad I got here an hour and a half fucking early. On the tour, I had like a specific walk on and walk off. But it's literally, could you just fade that out, pause it, and then slide it back up?

And most places were fine at it. About 20% were just like, that's dead simple, like it should be for everyone. Some of the places places it's like you were asking them to do like rhythmic gymnastics they're like i've just never done this before it took an hour and a half to practice that walk on in glasgow and we had to open the venue like because someone just couldn't work the sound desk it was absolutely insane but uh yeah i'd love a

minibus and then just go the north coast of Scotland or something do you remember what Billy Connolly used to do on a trike when he'd be like I'm going to go on a road trip to the fucking middle of nowhere so he's turning up in little towns and villages and they're like class I would love to take three or four of us she's doing that in Ireland just going to every small little village

who's that? John Bishop he told me the other day he said he was doing like drum 3d village hall or something like drug heater something the smallest place no southwest oh right okay so and he said um he goes he said he got a phone call from rupeel saying could he host the thing at arena for jr and clop to do the thing and he phoned the village all he went is it all right rearrange and the vote went he goes yeah what's up and John goes

do we need to do anything he goes no I'll just tell everybody he couldn't do it on Tuesday because he got yoga but he could get in the next Wednesday that's absolutely

I got last tour I did I started off and I got a camper van got a camper van and I was doing it all and then after about four days realised it's pointless

because you can't you know you go on camping sites you can't drive it on and off after like nine o'clock because you're disturbing everybody. So you have to get an Uber from a fucking campsite. I slept in a car park in Aberdeen, which was horrible. And that's you. Having a pee in a kind of McDonald's cup.

And then I slept in, do you know, have you ever done Maidenhead, Northern Farm? Yeah. That was great. I slept in their car park. But then after that I just binned it off premiered in

just on your own in a campervan yeah yes it's not as fun as it it just looks like post-divorce breakdown I'm doing

I'm fine I just realised that now that is exactly what it is yeah I yeah the foreign gigs the idea of doing that

like we've got plans for next year we're doing a package show and. Like we've got plans for next year. We're doing a package show and like we've got some. Good question. A package show. Oh God, I thought you had gone really, really racist. With Ishan.

Jesus Christ, honestly, I just, I genuinely, I genuinely, this is not me trying to make a joke. I just thought, is he being like dead, like brave and like. Do you know what's really funny? This is a callback. Every single time he says the word package, we all do exactly what you've just done, but we're actually joking.

But you've just done it and actually meant it. Sounded it. I really need to change how I'm saying package. Yeah, because you, you say pack dead loud and then you throw the rest of it away you go package yeah you're too smooth at the end package no

it sounds like you're trying to say that word pookage just say package I had a bit of stank on it how long have you been going, Justin? 25 years this year. 25 years this year. Quarter of a century.

Yeah, 25 years. 1999, I was driving my car down the street. I used to be driving my car down the street. Driving my car down the road. I was a salesman for a transport company. I was listening to Five Live and it was a comedian. I can't remember who it was. I said, I love comedy.

I used to go to Frog all the time. I used i saw i love comedy i used to go to frog all the time used to watch i used to go to frog and used to go to southern which was the agramans buzz club oh yeah and i've seen some like i used to be a little bit of a of a johnny vegas groupie like whenever he would pop up and i'd look in the listings and see when to be on and i loved it and they're like in those days johnny would do clubs and they would be like events yeah potter's wheel stuff and all that and he'd be doing stuff. And then as I thought to myself, I went, I'm funny. I could be funny.

And I was quite old. I was like 28, 29. But I could do that. So I phoned the frog up, literally phoned the frog up and went, how would you become a comedian? And he went, we have this thing on a Monday night. And he put me in for two weeks later, went down. And Monday nights then now

it's beat the frog in it what you invented where it's like a competition then it was this red raw thing we used to get a fiver for turning up doing new jokes and they bought us a packet of fags for the week it was brilliant it was me and mick ferry and oin ranking there's a gang of us i used to go on every single monday and uh used to do tuesdays at the everyman in the in the bistro you do all these and and then really quickly got i got got good quick do you know people do don't they i got good quick quick and that's how i started loved it gave up my job got a part got a part of tv show just just like ordinary everyday tales everybody has tv show phoenix night i remember meeting you when you were doing Big Value in 2001

yeah what a fucking Jim Jefferies Steve Hughes you I can't remember who else Rowan Aguilarta oh yeah

with the best joke I've ever heard from a comedian who's not going anymore sorry second best joke do both of them my favourite one is

nobody knows who this girl is and I love this joke and she's dead man a bit like Rachel Fairburn kind of-esque and she goes I was walking who this girl is, and I love this joke, and she's dead man, a bit like Rachel Fairburn kind of-esque, and she goes, I was walking down the street, you know, and I went past one of them mosques, and I thought, I want to have a look in that mosque because it's in my community.

So I go in the mosque, I open the doors, and just loads of shoes in the lobby. I thought, what's going on here? Open the next doors, massive bouncy castle. What's going on here? Open the next doors. Massive bouncy castle. And that was an open spot I saw about 20 years ago and I don't know who it was, but it's absolutely brilliant.

I love that joke so much. And Rowan's was Cyclops and the Unicorn meet. There's an accident waiting to happen. Rohan Agarawata. Yeah, yeah. There's a fucking name I'm not going to... Jim Jefferies, who...

He was on and Don Ward from the comedy store came in to see us to watch the show and he absolutely shits himself. He hated it.

He just crumbled because he wanted to get in at the store. Jim Jefferies wanted to get in at the store. The fear, Don, to this day strikes into people as...

And he knows it. It's class. And he likes it. It's class. And he likes it. It's horrible, isn't it? It is horrible. You heard that story about the American guy goes in the comedy store, he goes, I'm going to fucking smash this place up. I'm going to fucking rip the fucking roof off this place.

And he goes on and he does all right. Don walks back in the dressing room and goes, see, we don't have to get the builders in. Or the comic, you know, have you ever done the comedy store when there's a comic doing a Thursday night and they're like an established comic, you know, have you ever done the comedy store when there's a comic doing a Thursday night and they're like an established comic, but they're just doing a Thursday because they've not been in. Yeah, they're just getting their first look.

No, they're getting their second chance. Oh, right, okay. Have you ever seen that? Oh, it's... Can you imagine that? Okay, we've stopped using you, but here's your second chance. They're doing a Thursday.

Five years later. Yeah. Hey, John Don come on you used to have some great times here in the late 90s and he goes back in and this comic goes the comic goes on

and apparently apparently he'd been slagging the club off and Don off and all that and Don had got wind of it so they said to him do you not want him to do it

he goes no no no bring him along bring him along and he goes on and he smashes the gig Don goes very good very good I've seen your phrase very him along. And he goes on and he smashes the gig. Don goes, very good, very good, not seen phrase, very, very, very good.

And he goes, have you got your diary? And he goes, yeah, he gets his diary. Don takes off, puts him in the bin. He goes, you won't be needing that tonight. It's fucking ice. Horrible. He said to Pete Otway, didn't he, this is the Premier League of Comedy and you're the conference player.

And that was after his like seventh open spot. He said to Mick Ferrett the first time he did it, stop talking to the audience, we've got enough compares. Wow. Yeah, but then Mick, yeah, I don't know. I think it's a rite of passage, isn't it? I suppose you want to impress him, I don't know. He showed me his diary and asked me

who I'd replace for the next few weeks. And I didn't even look at it. And I said, anyone who hasn't got a guitar. Did you? And he just laughed. I love that. So who would I replace on the board few weeks. And I didn't even look at it and I said, anyone who hasn't got a guitar? Did you? And he just laughed. I love that. So who would I replace on the board? And people have gone, him.

Because that person's so... Justin? Shit. He's got a radio job. What's he even here for? I'm 14 years today. Oh, happy birthday. Happy birthday, mate.

Sunday the 27th of June, 2010 since lampard scored that goal that didn't go in yeah i tell you the first time i ever heard of you sure this is a great story right okay this is not going to be a good story no it's a nice story oh is it yeah so fucking this must have been five years in that about a year or two in right you were down in london doing some gigs and um you went on the sunday or the saturday to go and watch steve ribbons band oh shit yeah yeah steve ribbons next time i saw him he goes do you know this young comic from liverpool adam rowe i said no i said i don't i don't know him i said i've heard the name he goes i've not seen him do stand up he said but he's going to go far

I said why he went keen as fuck so yeah keen as fuck that's what he said so when I first started

going to London obviously you're doing a lot of either poorly paid or completely unpaid spots yeah and one of my mates Johnny

Johnny Schumacher he used to live in Brochley so sort of just north of like Fodderstale. That's where you go. They're down there, aren't they? And I used to stay with him. And every year they have the Broccoli Festival. I loved Broccoli.

It was really rough, but it like reminded me of home. It's like the right kind of rough where it's like, people are fucking punching your head in, but only if you're doing something wrong. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. That's nice. That sort of place.

It's the Britain we all want. Yeah. From July the 4th. And I mean? Yeah, yeah. It's nice. That sort of place. It's the Britain we all want. Yeah. From July the 4th. And I was... Cuba. I was staying with Johnny, and he's like, oh, the Broccoli Festival's on this weekend.

You should go and have a look at some of the stuff. And I knew who Steve Gribben was, because, you know, as well as doing gigs, I sort of started reading up on people and looking at lineups in the store and rawhide and whatever at the time. Because you're super keen.

Oh, totally. And I get to the... Keen as fuck. I get to this Broccoli Festival, and Steve gribbon and his band are just playing and i was like that's fucking steve gribbon and then he stops and he's doing like the sorts of intros the next song and he's got like his softened scouse accent it's fucking steve gribbon so when they took a break i went over and introduced myself and just like said hello and that's where that's where i met steve yeah that's so much you say i'm a comedian i think i said i i'm down here doing gigs i'm doing like open spot

i think i was down there doing open spot for junglers maybe yeah i'm doing open spot for junglers like um maybe maybe i was even doing 10 or 5 or 10 at the store i don't know but uh that's what he said he wasn't i told you it was a good story it wasn't he wasn't uncomplimentary it was a very you know it was a complimentary thing. It wasn't uncomplimentary. It was a very, you know, it was a complimentary thing. I mean, there are many other stories of what people said about you that would be horrible, but, you know, you know them. I know all of them, yeah. Because you win them. Yeah, I'm in them.

They happen. And do you know what? If you just see it from my perspective, I was always sound. A young Adam Rowe could never be accused of not fucking trying. No. You were on it early, pushing. It's like I have everything isn't it it's like right i like this thing so i want to be good at it and i'm focusing on nothing else and there's

nothing i was nothing wrong you know there's nothing wrong with that at all there's nothing wrong with that at all it's just that you were young and hungry and vicious and and i think sometimes it comes across when people are complacent as being not arrogant but a bit cocky but that's what you but that's what you are totally and i always i always saw it as like the only people who ever seemed bothered by it properly were people who didn't have that in them and i think they were sort of being like oh you can't do that you can't promote yourself like that because i'm not doing that and you're gonna jump ahead of me that's not okay and then the people who like i always posted my gigs from doing open spots i'd like tweet or put on facebook like

here's my gigs for the next two weeks people would be like who gives a fuck mate you're doing five and ten minutes and i was like doesn't matter to me and now it's the norm it's the norm and people who used to slag it off and i'm like how do i do this i don't suck me gucci people just slag you off if you retweeted praise. Yeah. And then Sarah Milken said to me, she went,

if someone unfollows you on Twitter because you've tweeted that you've had a good gig and people liked it, she went, they were never going to come and see you anyway.

Fuck them. Doesn't matter. They're not real people. So I used to be dead close with Danny Mac. One time I retweeted praise, he messaged me to go, oh,

are we retweeting praise? I was like, fucking hell. I'm getting policed by Danny Mac. And now- We all get policed by Danny Mac. But the culture's changed. Now even Danny goes, oh yeah, you've got to self-promote.

Yeah, you've got to. You've got to. I did a new material last night in Hot Water and there was a kid who just- How'd it go? I smashed it, mate. All of it. Not every single last syllable.

And they would run out. I was trying to drive home and they were throwing themselves on the car, you know, like they were trying to leave a warrant. Come back! Was it a half Asian crowd, though? It was a half, yeah. Half Asians.

My people. But the good thing was, like, they'd done the package right. So they made sure the Asians were on one side and the non-Asians were on the other side. Like a mixed race wedding. How do you like it? Shaky booking.

What do you want to talk to me about? Can I talk about my special? You can talk about your special. Oh, yeah, man. That's why I'm here. Yeah? I love the candidness. No one's ever done that You can talk about your special. Oh, yeah, man. That's why I'm here. Yeah? I love the candidness. No one's ever done that.

Tell us about your special, filmed, produced by our wonderful Will Hutchby, who is behind the movable camera right there. So, filmed in Prescott at the Shakespeare North. Got to be the first stand-up special ever filmed in Prescott. Got to be. I think Russell Kane did, didn't he? Did he? Prick. He didn't do a special. No, be. I think Russell Kane did, didn't he? Did he?

Prick. What? He didn't do a special. No, he just did some standardly. Oh, that doesn't count. No, but his first special to be filmed there is unbelievable. It was so good.

It's a mock-up of the globe, isn't it? It's a mini globe, yeah. And you can do it in the round. We sort of did it in the kind of sixth, eighth of the round. He's very good at what he does, as you know, because you both use him. Show went really good on the night um like you'll see clips as they come out like we've got some like bloopers yeah i genuinely completely forgot where i was at one

point done the show 150 times never ever pressure to i had to ask jim my support acts who's in the audience what do i do next and he's going oh, oh, you go here, then you go there. And I went, no, but I've done that there. And he goes, wow, yeah, yeah. That's so funny. And got back on track. It's fine. It looks class.

It looks really good. The smoke really adds to it as well. It's in such good focus and stuff. Where is it and what's it called? It's called Stretch and Think, which is the name of the tour show. And it comes out, well, it's out, pretty out now, I suppose name of the tour show. And it comes out, well, it's out, pretty out now, I suppose,

by the time people watch this. This goes on Patreon Saturday. So I think specials are Friday. Last night, six o'clock. It's on YouTube, obviously. Yeah. I just want people to see it, really. I just want, you know,

you've touched before on like, I've done quite a lot of stuff and I have, I've done a film with Ken Loach, I've been in Phoenix Nights, I've been in Corrie. I've done quite a lot of stuff and I have done film with Ken Loach been in Phoenix Nights I've been in Corrie I've done two leads at the Royal Exchange was unlike all these really nice things. Vimto advert. Vimto advert been to two Olympics. You were in the fucking Vimto advert. He's the Vimtoed. That is the best thing you've ever done no. I fucking love Vimtoed. I'm the V up sood. Sick. What Ken Loach film you?

Looking for Eric. Oh, fucking course. Yeah. And Mick. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And the late Greg Cook. And Des Sharples.

And Des... Oh, Des Sharples, right? Nice. Do you know Des, Adam? Yeah. Yeah, Des Sharples. He gave me my first ever paid gig. Did he?

Thank you. Thank you very much. Thanks for coming, Adam. He seen me do an opening. I used to beat the frog and was like I want you to come and do two gigs for me and one was in like

the foyer of the Royal Exchange Theatre yeah and one was Iguana Bar was it Mirth on Mondays yeah Mirth on Mondays so I think they were like

30 quid or something each yeah and it was the first time I'd ever got money I was like fucking right I'll do that mate yeah I can call me Slade

was that your first paid gig yeah my first paid gig? Yeah. My first paid gig was Excess Malarkey. Round the corner. £35, yeah. So we're doing this film, right, with Ken Loach, and he's one of the last film directors to film on film.

So he's the actual film. So it's rolling and everything else, but he doesn't stop. So you'll be acting and improvising, do a bit of improvising, and he'll walk into the scene and tell you what to do and then walk back out and it's really kind of strange but there's a scene where we're all sat in there if you've seen a film we're all postman and we're all trying to do some like meditation and mindfulness and we're all doing this stuff and he goes right it's very important this scene and he's giving us all like individual tips you're like a football manager before the game he's gonna want you to go in early justin i want you to think about this and that and he goes right right, it's very important this scene and he's giving us all like individual tips. You know, like a football manager before the game. He's going, I want you to go in early there, Justin.

I want you to think about this and that. And he goes, right. And we're all like in a huddle. And he goes, he goes, right. Have we got any questions? So Des goes, yes, Ken. And he goes, what is it, Jack? Because he called him his character name because he can't forget he was called Des.

And he goes, he goes, he goes, is this, you know when with this film? He goes, yeah, he goes, is it for the telly or is it for the cinema? And Ken Loach goes, it's for the cinema. And so like resets us there because he's set, you know what I mean? He's resettles.

Okay, all right. Everybody's reset. So what are we going to do? You're going to go this way. You're going to go, you think about that. And he can't even look at it. And he goes,

any questions? And he goes, yes, Ken. And he goes, what is it? And he goes, will it be on in every cinema or is it just like

Corner House and them arty ones? He goes, I don't know. We've not done the distribution deal yet. And we just did the thing then when it came out Des got the bus from his house in shortland to town to watch with all these mates but they waited and waited and waited till the bus came back where it had the ad for the film advertised on the side and he all got the bus to watch it

such a great what an experience that was that was missed the film but they got on the bus what did you live in corny i've been in it three times now three separate characters well i like to think i'm sort of like transfer myself into the world so um the first time i delivered a car uh kev was trying to get back with Sally, so he got her a car. Look at the car! Yeah. And that was one scene.

Oh, get in. Old school. Old school, haven't we? Hey! I'm currently the voice of Weatherfield FM. So wherever there's a radio on, it's me in the background. That's some career that comes on in the show, isn't it? So I'm on Weatherfield FM. So wherever there's a radio on, it's me in the background. That's some career that comes on in the show,

isn't it? So I'm on Weatherfield FM, so like I'll do, I've got a caller here coming in from Weatherfield County, big county fan. What are you saying, Chesney?

Little chat. And then about 10 years ago, with, this is the connection we have with Les, Dennis, I played the landlord of the flying horse

which is the the what the flying horse no no Illuminati shit Les Dennis worked in the flying horse is that true

no no I was the landlord of the flying horse no but why was Les involved with the horse I don't know oh I thought Les because Les has been in Coney, hasn't he? Yeah.

Right. Unbelievable. That is serendipity. Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. And it's absolute violence. And you're the vimtoed?

That's unbelievable. So I played the landlord of the flying horse and we challenged the Rovers cricket team to a cricket match. And what was up for grabs was my classic Space Invaders machine. And what I won from them if I was one was Betty's hot pot recipe.

Did you win? Spoilers, in case anyone's not caught up yet. Imagine if we got an email. We lost. But the best thing was, right? The best thing was, in the script, right right it's got this bit where we're doing this thing and he goes yeah should be good in the next bit because uh

he goes they've got they've got a keen players coming on apparently his mum used to go around the west indies and she used to uh she used to hang around the west indies cricket team and uh some may say she had a dalliance or two with the master blaster which is a very famous Beijing cricket player and I went to the director I went you know that would mean that one of our players

would be mixed race I had to bring a mixed race player in to play to match the joke. No one had spotted in the script, I'm the king of continuity. That's what people say about you. The king of continuity, yeah. By the way, it'd be really funny now if you'd shot that special twice and you just got a different shirt on after claiming yourself as the king of

continuity um break time yeah go and watch justin special it'll be class stretch and think on youtube here we go ladies and gentlemen part four of four did it for you mate there you go all right let's round this off so I can get to London and celebrate me gig of history with a gig. Justin, my old friend. Room 102

is a brand new feature we thought of and conceived of completely. Yep. No IP going anywhere else. Very similar to the TV show Room 101.

Oh, yeah, I forgot. They don't own Room 101, though. You know this, don't you? No, they don't. You do I forgot. They don't own Room 101 though, you know this, don't you? No, they don't. You do know this. They cannot own that. No, we just,

we went off on a, we went off on a spiral one episode, Justin. Do you know what Room 101 is? No. Room 101 was the room in 1984,

in George Orwell's 1984 where everything that will kill you and the worst of everything is in that room. We're not very well read. No. Oh, yeah.

I've read most of Jamie Carragher's autobiography. All well. Yes. Most of it. The Big Brother one. What would you like to go in Room 102? Well, I've got, like, every day. There's different ones every day.

Currently, at the moment, my bête noire is people telling me what their dreams were, which I appreciate is a kind of well-trodden path. But I've thought about it long and hard. I'm sick of fucking people telling me I had a dream. Like, unless you're Martin Luther King, couldn't give a fuck. Right.

So you're okay with people telling you their aspirations, those type of dreams? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Not what they dreamt about. What they dreamt about. Oh, I'd like to hear what you're manifesting people telling you their aspirations, those type of things? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Not what they dreamt about. What they dreamt about. Oh, I'd like to hear what you're manifesting. I'm fucking up for that. I'd like to hear what you're, like, I'm manifesting myself an S Club.

An S Club? S Club. S Club reunion. Try harder. I'm manifesting an S Class Mercedes. That's what I want. Bring Paul back from the den. I want that.

That's what I want. I can do that. Yeah. Yeah. I want a Ford Bronco. Not for the OG reasons, just because they look cool. OG. Yeah. But I. I want that. That's what I want. I can do that. Yeah. Yeah. I want a Ford Bronco. Not for the OG reasons, just because they look cool. OG.

But I'm manifesting that. If it's good enough for, you know, it's good enough for what's he called? Noel Edmonds. It's good enough for me. I'm manifesting it. Written down on a piece of paper.

But people who say, right, people go, oh, this really weird dream last night. Of course you did. It's a fucking dream. They never,

like no one goes, I had a really ordinary dream. I went to the shop, I bought an egg custard and then I had a walk in the park. No. And I'll tell you why these dream stories are boring. Because no one's ever told one second hand. No one's ever told you their dream and then

you've got home from work and went, oh, Julie had a smart dream today. Hang on, finish it. I'm just going to ring Tony. Tony, stop what you're doing. My missus has had the best dream you want to say that similar to uh like here's the thing everybody knows what they would have been called if they were a girl or a boy no one else needs to know it's not an interesting enough conversation i was called a girl's name because mum was that fucked on the drugs i was a girl for six hours i was called lisa for the first six hours of my life lisa as well he's a crack he's a crack baby

yes i did have a boring dream once that was so dull it was noteworthy yeah i was on cocodamol and i went to sleep you would tell me a dream story no but the whole eight hours was me working an eight hour shift at frankie Benny's that buzzed my head in it was so drawn out I knew the people we ran out of calamari and in my dream I felt a bit stressed oh shit calamari is a really popular starter

I've never had such a unbelievable dream I woke up and went oh shit I don't work at frankie and benny do you dream a lot yeah but the usual random tombola of anxiety mental do you know what common dream for me is right i'm not doing but i commonly dream and it wakes me up that i'm driving pissed out my head and i'm about to plow into like loads of people and that right i know what you mean. Yeah. Yeah. Are you sure you're not just drunk imagining that?

I don't even drink. I don't even drink. So like, just like, oh, getting behind the wheel. Fuck it. I laugh.

You've had the dream as a comedian where in your dream, someone's like, hey, your stage time's in 15 minutes. But within the dream, you haven't got any material. Yeah. Yeah. Like I've had that weird anxiety where I'm like,

oh, I don't know what my jokes are you're like in real life you defo do for some reason that's playing on my mind it's anxiety isn't it

yeah it's because you spent a lot of years as a compere probably like you didn't have any jokes you're internalising people trying to

book you as a compere and he's got no jokes he's shite you should do the comedy you know what this is worse than the nightmare if you've ever worked in hospitality you've done it trying to book you as a compere. Oh, and he's got no jokes. He's shite. You should do the comedy. You know what? This is worse than the nightmare. If you've ever worked in hospitality,

you've done it. If you finish a big shift, you very commonly go to sleep and you're still there. I had it constantly when I worked at McDonald's. I'd just wake up and I'd just, I'd have to go to work, but I've just been to work. I've got the mental strain of just being in work

and now I've got to go and do it again. So you used to worry about working at McDonald's. When I was on the radio, I used to worry that I was putting the mental strain of just being in work and now I've got to go and do it again so you used to worry about working at McDonald's when I was on the radio I used to worry that I was putting the wrong faders up and saying the wrong thing and in the wrong traffic and travel and all that, imagine if you're a heart surgeon how horrific are them dreams I've fucking put the wrong ventricle in I wasn't worried

these weren't like anxiety dreams this is why you never lasted at McDonald's this is why I never lasted you didn't care enough apart from when someone goes hey i had a mental dream and you're like oh yeah you'll never believe what you were doing in it and then everyone's ego goes all right go on tell me have you ever had a very very graphic sex dream and i'm not gonna ask you the details that you couldn't tell anybody. Have you ever woke up ashamed? I mean, I've never woke up ashamed.

I mean, I've mentioned this recently. Sometimes I can't look at my phone for a couple of hours because of the porn I've just been watching because it's, like, depraved. In your dream? No, in real life. Oh, right. Dan, what was your face for then?

I've had a sexual dream about my sister-in-law. Oh, yeah. So happy you said in-law then. Yeah, in-law. I am and I'm not you said in-law then. Yeah. In-law. I am and I'm not. I am and I'm not because I thought this is going straight on a Patreon.

I've had a rude dream about my sister-in-law. Can I be so bold as to say... Does she already know? What? Does she already know? No. Penis entering her.

Oh, full, like, full... Was it good? ...visuals and... Was it good? In my head, I was like, this is Was it good? Visuals and... Was it good? In my head, I was like, this is great. It's Laura's sister. And then woke up with that, like... I felt like I'd cheated.

Did you tell Laura? Yeah. What? Yeah, I told Laura, yeah, yeah. She was like, oh, okay. Did you tell her all the details? Oh, yeah, every detail. I don't know how many times I made her sister come.

The whole thing. Any bummer? Have you ever done anything to Laura and gone, your sister likes this? In my dreams. That's how my sister was. That's the only way she gets off. Right in the back door.

Any bummer? At Christmas as well. Was there any bummer? Never mind the turkey. Never mind the turkey. Come with me in the pantry. Is she a turkey? Is she a cum?

She's a dirty girl. Have you told Laura's sister? Dirty bird. What? Have you told Laura's sister? A dirty bird, what? Have you told Laura's sister? Yeah, I phoned her up. He has now. I phoned her up. Hiya, Becca, guess what?

And she goes, was there any bumming? You know you love turkey. I've never been bummed. Laura's a good-looking woman. Thank you, yeah. She's a handsome woman. I wish you'd stop texting her that. She's a good-looking woman. I'm only doing that in's a handsome woman. I wish you'd stop texting her that. She's a good-looking woman.

I'm only doing that in my dreams. Is handsome a common word? It used to be. No, it means like, because when you're like, I'm 54, I can't go, hey, your wife's fit. Yeah, totally. She's a handsome woman.

Yeah, it does make it sound like she's got a strong jawline and an Adam's apple. Beautiful work. She's a beautiful woman. She is fit. And she's tall. She's about 17 woman. She is fit. And she's tall. She's about 17 hands. Yeah.

And if you ask her, can I bum you? She'd go. Would you say her sister is comparatively as good looking as she? Oh, fuck me. Becca's beautiful. More beautiful than your sister. Oh, we've got some. Is she having some fun? Oh, sorry, beautiful. More beautiful than his sister.

Oh, we've got some... Is she having some fun? Oh, sorry, my leg's just... Don't worry about me, I just had an aneurysm. We'll move on. How old is Laura's sister? She's beautiful. 11.

I just wanted to get there. I just wanted to get there, just wanted to get there that's amazing how old is she? how old is she? old enough she knows her way she knows her way around her turkey

let me tell you that I love how you do that voice which could be me Toby Foster or Bernard Manning I love it thanks very much

thank you it is I was telling this story yesterday I went to the Embassy Club Bernard Man. It is. I was telling this story yesterday. I went to the Embassy Club, Bernard Manning's Club, when I was younger. It was awful.

I would have loved to go. I don't know why I didn't. I had chance. Did you ever work it when Smug ran it? No, I heard Manford did it. It was horrible. But we went to this club and there was waiters in white coats.

There was about 18 of us. And they come over and they were like, dead fucking hard. It's like, you know, they go, right, lads, what are you fucking having? That's the customer service. And we go, oh, we'll have 14 lagers, three bitters. Why are we talking like that? Two-siders. Why was I talking like that?

Because we were frightened of them. Because they were like, they were from the rough end of town. So 14 lagers, three bitters and two-siders. All right. And you give them money, he comes back. Say, sameagers, three bitters and two siders. All right. And you're giving them money, he comes back. Say him again, lads. Yeah, say him again. Third time he came back, he went, can we have 30?

And he went, don't fuck me about. OK, we'll just have what we were having. You're still driving, Dave, no matter what you said. The legendary Embassy Club. Did you play it? Just up the road. When Smug took it over, like after Bernard gave it up, he wasn't dead. I played it a few times for Smug took it over, like after Bernard gave it up, he wasn't dead.

I played it a few times for Smug and it was like, but there was coach loads of people coming thinking it was the Bernard Manning show. Yeah. And then we were going on going, have you ever noticed dog shit? It was a bit weird.

Tony Skip was on. Do you remember Tony Skip? No. Tony Skip had one of the best jokes I've ever heard. He used to say, I was on the bus with the bus pass and the ticket inspector comes on and he goes, tickets, please, tickets, please.

He goes, and I give him the mega ride off. And he goes, hey, this is six months out of date. Like I was going to fucking eat it. And Tony Skip was comparing, Tony Skip once compared a Monday night at the Frog Room, it was dead quiet, you you know and somebody told him just get going in the room just chat to people

ask them the name and where they're from he did it with everybody just ask them the name and where they're from it was like a performance piece of work what's your name?

Tony where you from? Swinton nice to meet you Tony what are you called? some of my early comparing now fucking brilliant all night just doing that

anyway so he was comparing and he said where you lads from and he went York she went it's fucking shit Some of my early comparing now. Fucking brilliant all night just doing that. Anyway, so he was comparing. And he said, where are you lads from? And he went, Yorkshire. He went, it's fucking shit. And this is like full. And half the audience started up. It's like, Yorkshire, Yorkshire. And I'm on the back.

And when I was doing a character I used to do, waiting to go on as a character. What character did you? I used to do Derek Randall, the failed insurance salesman from Ashland Underline. It's a bit on the nose. Because you were a salesman. But I was a failed insurance salesman from Ashton Underline. It's a bit on the nose. Because you were a salesman. But I was a failed insurance salesman.

Oh, it's very different. The last time I ever did it was when I died on my arse on Millennium Eve at Just the Tonic. And that's when the character went. Yeah. Character went that day. At that time, were you doing Justin and that? You were doing both?

So famously, Silky bought me for stamps in Crosby once. I did the whole show. Myself and... By the way... It's only you and Tom Baines. By the way, there were lots in common, you and him. There were a lot more character acts. Both worked on the radio.

Yeah. And paedophiles. There you go. I couldn't... I'll be honest with you, right? Guess what's getting cut out. No, no, no, I don't mind. I'd rather this goes out with me saying I'm right? Guess what's getting cut out? No, no, no. I don't mind.

I'd rather this goes out with me saying I'm a paedophile as long as the stuff goes in about your sister-in-law. That all stays in. I would never take that out. I know when there's gold been struck. There were a lot more character acts. That's what you said to her. Yeah, yeah.

Golden brown bird. Did you ever play the embassy club? I would have loved to. Genuinely. You're too busy. I don't know why bombing women in you I was bombing my future sister-in-law

in my dreams bombing women in me hang on it was tough it was a tough gig and it was never gonna you know it was never gonna

it was never gonna work but I like those old rooms I like them there's a bit of fucking yeah but I like that about the frog as well and about that kind of I remember once doing a gig at Dry Bar,

which is like this groovy bar on Oldham Street. And Alan Anderson put it on and it was me and a couple of others. And what's he called? Frank Sidebottom. You remember Frank Sidebottom? Yeah. Do you remember Frank Sidebottom?

Yeah, yeah. And Perkins turned up, because he was around the corner from his club, turned up with a big cigar, a camel coat, like the doorman with him and everything else and he was like having a go at Al Anderson he goes through

he goes I'm the king of Ancoats right to which Mick Ferry went I'm the Duke of Deansgate and then Owen Rankin killed him

by going I'm Dick Withington have you got any more Room 102s? We've had some people send some in. Let's feast on theirs. Ryan Parker says, I'd like to put unsolicited citrus in my drink

into Room 102. I didn't ask for a lemony Coke or even worse, an orangey Coke. When they pop it in for you. What about when they do- A garnish. It's a garnish, isn't it? Unspoken garnishes, I guess.

Boar. I think unspoken garnishes are playing Glastonbury this weekend. It's to tell the server what kind of Coke it is. Lime for diet, lemon for... Yeah, but I understand what rhyme means. I don't want... I just want a Diet Coke. But it is...

One of the first things I put in Room 102 when we started this was unlisted garnishes. Unlisted garnishes. When people garnishes. Unlisted garnishes. Like when people put coriander on your curry and you don't know it's coming. Sorry, most part of order, but I think the plural of garnish is garnish, isn't it? Somebody look it up.

Google it. Garnish-i. I think you just say garnish, don't you? Susie Dent's best mates, yeah. No, it's garnishes. It's garnishes. Shove that in your clock and smoke it um i don't like unlisted garnishes but now i'm at a stage where i accept that some of them are just like so commonplace and like international law like fresh coriander on a curry if i order a curry now i

just say do us a favour no coriander and internationally lemon with coke lime with diet coke is a way to make several drinks give them to the waiter not have to make them in front of the waiter

and the waiter can pick them up and know what is what I didn't know that what about in Spain where they put orange in the coke

don't they put orange in your coke that's just them doing all their what about this you were talking about unwanted garnish eyes my other half the other day she made me my tea right i was very grateful for that and i had vegan chicken kiev right oh sorry chicken kiev i had vegan chicken kiev and it came

on the plate and i thought it's been an accident she's put sweet chili sauce on the keeve. Without my approval request or acknowledgement. I said, why have you done that? That is a chef's honour. No. If I'm making you a meal, I'm making you a meal and you'll have it how I'm giving you it. Who puts a South Asian

sweet chilli sauce on a garlicky European dish. I had a pechoirie naan at the weekend with a curry, just not on its own. Honey drizzled. It's not, I don't know. A pechoirie's already sweet.

One of the best things. Hot honey. I don't eat the honey, do I? I'm vegan. Who gives a fuck about bees, mate? I'm allergic. It's not meat, it jeff innocent once said to me he don't have the fucking honey i went no he goes why he goes and i just did it just to see what he'd do and i went no because the bees have been exploited haven't they went

do you know the jeff innocent jason manford story yeah we've honestly we retold it to innocent yeah we're not going to talk about fucking Greg. Who are you then? What's your name? Jason. Were you from the North? We're going to talk about it tonight then. Greg's a baker's and a funny thing your mum says.

Have a good one. And Jason goes, pretty much, yeah. Trific Lid says, room 102, under beard neck hair that seems to go faster than the speed of light. Yeah. I got my beard and hair done like five days ago and I had to get it done again this morning because my neck just looked fucking horrific.

Men with neck beards. Is this a neck beard? No, just shave your neck, your beards on your face. Shave your neck. Oh, well. I have been a bit of a thing at the moment. I love, I love the treatment you get from a Turkish barber. Yeah?

I like the ears doing, I like the nose, I like everything being waxed. I love it all. I've not been to John, my barber, where I've been going for 20 years for about eight months. I broke up with him and he doesn't know. Oh. You've ghosted your barber?

I've ghosted it. And I don't know how to broach the subject. Maybe this is how I'm going to do it. Maybe he could adapt and he'd be like doing all the Turkish stuff. No, it's very good and everything, but I've just not... I've been in a different place. We've both been wanting different things. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I've been getting my haircuts on the road. So I went... And I have to go now and say to the barbers when they do it, I go, number two all over, sort the ears and the nose and that bit out. And I went, the beard, trim it, no shape, right? And they're normally from Eastern Europe

and they go, no shape. Oh, they like those sharp lines, don't they? But I'm 54. I look, honestly, I look like a nonce. I do look like I'm trying too hard. Like, look at the jaw. Adams looks good.

Yeah. You are at that point. I'm at tipping point. You are. But, you know, you look good. You look good for your age. Adam, you look sharp. Imagine, I hadn't done it in a week.

I had like a strap around there. It looked like a surgical device. What do the Turkish do? Like hair-wise? Kebabs. Yeah, I know, but not mid-hair. Teeth hair. Chili sauce on your face, bro?

I've had that a couple of times. I didn't know that was a saying. The waxy nostril, the waxy ears, where they put earbuds in and it's poof. I love it. And then they show it to you. Show you in the bar. Chili sauce on your face, bro?

I mean, this is a kebab shop, but I'm good. Yeah, hell, mate. It's a little catchphrase, isn't it? Chilib. Chili sauce on your face, bro. I mean, this is a good barb shop, but I'm good, yeah, hell, mate. It's a little catchphrase, isn't it? Chili sauce. And then he puts the cotton buds up and then he pulls them out. Shows you. Oh, yeah, I'd want to see. But I was in one in Newcastle. I'd want to see as well.

About six months ago, I was in Newcastle, Saturday morning. It was a fucking massive Geordie, like fucking huge, like, you know, flip-flops on in winter, that big, do you know what I mean? Big shorts and flip-flops in winter,

you know the kind of big roll? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he goes, I don't fucking know, I don't know, he goes, this, this,

this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this,

this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this,

this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this,

this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this,

this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this,

this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this,

this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this,

this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, Welsh! You say Donegal, isn't it? Go on, please do your journey again. He goes... Welsh!

Prehistoric, man. You might have moved. It's fine. So he comes over and he goes... And his wife was dead little, like a little sparrow. Oh, I always think about what that looks like. Then he'll go... Yeah, but I imagine him like, you know, like he was an elephant

and he's walking through the jungle and she just lived on his shoulder. She's a little woman like that. And and he goes there he goes and she'll have a nose done ah and she literally had her nose done he had his hair cut and she sat in the chair i thought i went i went hey yeah good job then she got up and had it done the girls get nose hair yeah they get they get hair everywhere apparently you you're too young to know mine's getting out of control Laura's? in Laura's sister dream my ear hair

you know like the little nubbit what's the nubbit? it's starting to sprout all of a sudden I look and it's like they're an inch long, you're like what the fuck is going on there that can't happen in your 50s though the first time you go as an adult man and they go on your eyebrows and you do that,

you go, well, what are you doing? When you're in your early 20s. That's when it starts then. Once you've stopped. Once you've started, you can't stop. It's going. The Pringles. If we had Turkish people in Chester, I'd give it a go.

Is there one round here? I'm looking at you. There's Turkish barbers literally everywhere. Go to London Road. They're not Turkish. Kurdish. London Road to London Road. They're not Turkish. Kurdish mostly. London Road. London Road.

London? London. I love that. I love that. London? London? It's like a quick cut of like Coronation Street episodes where someone says they're going to London

and everyone else in Coronation Street is just incredulous at the idea that anyone could be going there and someone's like, oh yeah, you know, Tracy's gone to London and someone goes, London! Like they've gone, put the radio on, London, it's me! Someone's gone to London. Yeah, but the, I love,

I love having it all done, but I have to say and a couple of times I've not been explicit in what I've wanted and I've had like the lines like, I'm thinking I'm Alessandro Del Piero and a thin line down there and just it doesn't suit me I'm just I like being short I like being neat I like just having that done

in and out simple when I go to London I treat myself have you ever been to a Ted's grooming room oh Ted Baker yeah they have yeah it was round the corner from where we did the Have A Weird Live show at the Underbelly Festival Oh, Ted Baker? Yeah, there you are, yeah. Great, isn't it? What's that? Talk to a ball man. It was round the corner from where we did

the Have A Weird Live show at the Underbelly Festival. There's loads of them. There's loads of Teds. It's near Oxford Circus, just up from there. It's about 50. Near the BBC, that one.

And I just went in. Oh, you went halfway there. And my beard was fucked and I was like, I'm just going to get it done. And it was in one of them. It was class. But like the barbers I go to

where we film, Josh does my hair and my beard. It's not far from our studio here to where we filmed the we did like a barber special and they do all of that for you as well and you do the arm you read that smack blood taken do that and then they pull your fingers and crack i've seen one where they soap up your whole head time and they're fucking they're literally doing your face in your head and have you done that this is a chiropractor justin no no i've seen it i've seen one where they soap up your whole head. And they're fucking, they're literally doing your face and your head. Have you ever done that? This is a chiropractor, Justin. No, no, I've seen it.

I've seen it. You do it all, yeah. Nah. I'm not having a barber. If my barber's out doing all this shit, I'd be like, cut me in and fuck off, will ya? And then they get the big Turkish hands up. Oh, yeah. I've had that off, Josh.

Oh, yeah. Give me an address for that. It's called the Turkish delight. You have to ask for it. You're dirty. Can I have a delight? I've got big hands. I reckon that's a podcast,

ladies and gents. Thank you very much for listening. Go and watch Justin's special. Stretch and Think out now on YouTube. Justin Morehouse. Thank you. We're going to get off,

but I'm sure Finn has got something for us all to have a little listen to. You're going to love this one. We have. This is a song called Time to Go by The Seaman. They are a Birkenhead.

They're everywhere. A Birkenhead via Guangzhou China punk band. Oh, my God. It's proper punk. Time To Go. Half Chinese, half wool. Yeah. That sounds like the worst things to come out of China this decade.

Make some good T-shirts, though. So, there you are, The the semen we gave you a plug I hope you enjoyed that when will the semen be released in their own time when me echos is finished alright love you lads bye It's time to go.

It's time to go. It's time to go. Yeah, it's time to go It's time to go It's time to go Yeah, it's time to go now I see the popcorn and diamonds Spending my money on life But I need this and I need that You don't need none, you're already fat Everywhere I look, it's just a shit

But how your money don't look so cheap Selfie, hustle, I'm following right Come on, wake up, you're dead inside It's time to go It's time to go It's time to go Yeah, it's time to go Yeah, it's time to go now It's 16 worlds you can't deny I'm free but we're completely dark

No escape, no hope for me I'm stuck here for eternity Call the moon, we'll change your fate Your life, do hunt for me is looking for insanity. Call them, I won't change a thing. Your last student won't mean a thing. Time to rise up, make them pay. Don't need no money for an arcade. It's time to go. It's time to go.

It's time to go. Yeah, it's time to count out.