Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #284 with Lucas Zelnick - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: July 7, 2024

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Good, thank you. Good, thank you. Had some, enjoyed some racism in the sauna. Dan's sauna report continues. It's a Moby album, isn't it? Why won't the old boys just sit in there and sweat and shut the fuck up? I don't know. Talky, talky, racist talky.

Are you telling me there were several old black men who were bullying you for being white? Oh, you weren't being racist. Yeah, I go to an old black man's gym. That's me. I go to the Y in the Bronx, you know? It's not an easy commute. Is it you and Danny Glover getting your sweat on?

God, I don't know, honestly. I can't think of who else you'd have picked. Cosby in my head. And that motherfucker needs to be sweating. You want to be in a sauna with him? Fuck yeah. You wouldn't be able to stop him. That's his whole plan.

I'm not usually this sleepy in saunas you and Bill Cosby in the same sauna though he'd do his catchphrase and you'd be like for sex

I love that have you seen that video of Bill Cosby go on when he's he's walking down the road he's going to court and he just

he goes for no reason have you never seen it no I go on is that his I've just done it. Is that his...

He's like walking down the road with him for no reason. He just throws like a fucking... To a camera. He knows the camera's on him. Yeah, but it doesn't look like he's looking at the camera. Oh, right, right. He does constantly look like he's just being asked, do you want a dessert?

Or do you want to see the dessert menu? And he's like... Oh, me naughty, are we? Rats on me hips. There was an old boy that was talking about um but they weren't being racist to you they were talking about swimming and honestly absolutely no i don't suffer a lot of racism not living in you know 99.6 white chester and that's why i live there um we was a. No one was talking about swimming. He was talking about having his shoulder put back in by a black dude who worked at the hospital.

And then he was like, very muscly, very muscly. And that's why they can't swim, you know, because muscle is heavier than fat. White women, of course, very good floaters. I just, out of nowhere. We're talking about essentially a fucking dislocated shoulder. And then we were talking about black people not floating way too fast. The thing is though, that is true, isn't it?

It's bone density, isn't it? It is a thing. It's not a lie. Yeah, but not every black person's LeBron fucking James. No, it's not a fact. There is a fact. No, but I mean,

but that's the racism, isn't it? That's the racism. They're all very athletic and muscly. No, there's not. There's fat black guys. There's fat black women. Fact. And they don't, they flow.

They flow dead good, I imagine. I haven't flowed any. black guys there's fat black women fucked and they don't they flow they thought they're good i imagine i haven't flowed any but it just felt all a bit unnecessary it's ignorant but i don't think there was any hatred in it you know what i mean yeah well i've edited out how we started the conversation the term that was used ah it's just a bit much just a bit much. Just a bit much. Right, okay. And then we started talking about open water swimming. What did you... And a kid next to...

What did you do? Did you correct these men or were you part of the problem? I, honestly, I'm not having arguments with 64-year-old post office workers. I'm part of the problem. Yeah. Yeah. I just don't...

I'm not... How do you know you're exing the post office? Because I hear about their pensions every time I go to the sauna right they're like they just sit there

and talk about who's retiring who's died and it's just constant and the muscular density of the black community and then all of a sudden we're having weird

racial conversations about swimming John's retiring hands on annual leave and black people are very muscly say what say what about say what you want about

Bill Cosby. Not a floater. Go on. Open water swimming. Obviously, this is the summer. I haven't done this publicly. Please be careful.

Not publicly. It was on Patreon. Thank you, sir. Be careful. Need open bodies of water. You might die. Yeah. Carry on.

Then a kid next to me joined in the conversation, which is rogue. Just let them keep talking. He was like, oh yeah, we go open water swimming. Idiot. And I can't do it. I'm more scared of sharks in British waters, you know,

because you can't see because it's murky water. I was like, what? I was like, but there's no, there aren't any sharks. There was dolphins in the Mersey during Covid yeah nature is healing nature returned to where it once was

you can see the Taj Mahal from my fucking brow yeah I know we I know I know we slag off dolphins

but they don't they don't mate dolphins we've we're always oh we're always after dolphins you've got to always oh we're always after dolphins you've got to be

that's ballsy it's every every marine biologist least favourite animal the dolphin why because they gangry yes Adam

yes you delicate touch yeah because they're fucking weird like rapey bullies aren't they mallards are rapists as well aren't they

are they yeah are they are theyists as well, aren't they? Are they? Yeah. Are they not just, like, it rough? Are they birds? They're ducks, yeah. The mallard bird. Yeah. He was like, I'd be scared of dolphins as well.

If a dolphin swam past me. Yeah. So would I. Dolphins are gentle, like, with humans, though, aren't they? They only rape each other. That's what I'm saying. Otherwise, there'd be a lot of dying children

who've been through something really bad. Yeah, you probably avoid taking them. Swimming with rapists is not how you want to... Leave that to his next one now. Before he goes,

he just knocks a mad one out. Yeah. Swimming with rapists. It's Kevin Costner's sequel. Oh dear. I think it should be known dolphins are everyone thinks they're dead cute they are we've talked about it before but they're sinister motherfuckers they are cute they're committing tax fraud tax fraud yeah they won't respect all the dolphins pronouns they're like that they're really they look like they made out of halloumi

though they look dead squeaky i mean i wouldn't want to touch're really... They look like they made out of halloumi, though. They look dead squeaky. You know what I mean? I wouldn't want to touch one. Why? They always feel like they look like an audible texture, though. Every time dolphins come up, I feel like I've got to bring up that fella on the front row of Hot Water. Oh, yeah.

Paul Smith said to... I've told you this before, Defo. Paul Smith was like... The dolphin shaver? Yeah, what do you do for a living? And he said, I shave dolphins. And Paul was like, what do you mean? You shave dolphins? Dolphins aren't dolphins. And Paul was like, what do you mean you shave dolphins? Dolphins aren't hairy.

And he was like, yeah, I'm just class at my job. Someone said they would have a penguin pick it up at once because the zoo was near the airport and the penguins look at the planes and fall over. That is real, isn't it? Is it? Yeah. I'm pretty sure that is real.

I think he's playing on the fact that, you know, the penguin biscuits was with pick up a penguin. Nice. Is that true? Is the penguins near John Lennon International Airport? The penguins of speak? No, there's no obviously though.

Obviously Safari Park. It is absolutely. That's coming in too low, isn't it? It's not talked about enough how fucking insane it is that there's not that's coming in too low isn't it if you're you know it's not talked about enough how fucking insane it is that there's a safari park in Knowsley by the way like there's lions

that live in Knowsley and no one really brings it up it's all arsehole where do you want them where do you live the Sahara no I know but that's not the desert

put the lions in the desert they're all dead and I was fuck them we're putting them back I was off them. We're putting them back. We're putting them back where they need to be. In the jungle.

The lions in the desert. I'm thinking of the Serengeti. Yeah. But they shouldn't be in Knowsley, should they? No. There shouldn't be fucking monkeys riding fucking elephants around throwing shit at four... Oh, right. Okay, so you're...

That's the attic monkeys. Time-travelling monkeys. elephants around throwing shit at four corgis oh right okay so you're bats yeah monkeys time travelling monkeys so your problem is that they're just in captivity they're in captivity

all together no like it's just it feels a bit mad that they're in the north west of England don't it like they were never

meant to see nosely lions were never meant to see nosely that big roundabout yeah elephants were never meant to see that yeah that To that big roundabout Yeah Elephants were never meant to see that Yeah

That's wrong And they're there No wonder every time someone drives a Nissan Microdin The monkeys are fucking ripping the fucking wing mirrors off Take us home Get me back to fucking Africa mate Get me back to the Sahara They can see the big roundabout in Noseley can they?

Elephants are tall Right They probably seen it as they were being driven in. And they never forget. Yeah. A roundabout. It's all coming together. Yeah, yeah.

Where do you want them, though? Obviously, we've got to have some animals in captivity over here because they get raised and there's conservation going on. There'll also be lions that were born in Knowsley. Yeah, totally.

But you can't have them in the city centre, can you? No. It makes sense that they're out in the countryside. Countryside? St. Hel makes sense that they're out in the countryside. Countryside? St. Helens? There's war lines.

Oh. It is sort of the countryside, isn't it? Knowsley, it's the end of the city. Raw. Raw. It's suburbia. It's not urban, but it's not a countryside. It's suburbia.

What's after Knowsley? The end of the map i think yeah no one's ever been there isn't it just farmland around there no it's like the back it is though it's not it's in the middle of a fucking council i say basically you get to the end of liverpool on the m53 you're going out like you know towards liverpool towards manchester i was literally having the same thought it becomes the M62 junction 7 but then there's

countryside I guarantee you he knows the junction but knows his party bar I've no fucking idea oh here we go that's basically the countryside

it's fucking not the countryside there's farmland round it not not really there's no farms in St Helens

there is farms between Liverpool and there's a farm in St Helens there is farms between Liverpool and there's a farm in Crocky Park oh Crocky Park farm doesn't fucking count

why because it doesn't suit your argument no because it doesn't have any fucking produce it does

no it doesn't yes it does once it's supplying which Tesco is being supplied chicken eggs two eggs a fortnight

because they're like fucking Crocky fucking chickens. Yazoo's. They sell Yazoo's in the shop. Yeah. Straight from the fucking cow. Yes. Yeah.

This cow does banana. Good little data. Crocky Park Farm. Take a girl down and go, look, there's a fucking pig. There you go. Get to ask. Yeah.

You've wasted your time. Smell that. It stinks. It does stink. Yeah. It's a functioning farm. There's horses and everything. Yeah.

But it's not the countryside. Knows you, Safari Park might as well be in someone's back garden. It's fucking tiny. I thought it was in the middle of nowhere. No, no. Like, there's a massive...

Can you not see fields on either side of it? No. You can see houses. Yeah. It's just surrounded by houses. There's an estate see houses. Yeah. It's just surrounded by houses. There's an estate across from it. But it's literally surrounded by houses,

like fucking Melwood. Like... Yeah. People stand on the bins and see the line. I'm not having this. Have you never been? No, we've got a chest of... So there's the safari park.

Take the wheels. And there's the streets. All right, cool. So there's the safari park. And what's all this stuff around it? That is the safari park. What is that's the streets all right cool so there's the safari park and what's all this stuff around it that is the safari what is that all that it was that is that great that green bit is there any houses there that's fucking loads of tree houses yeah all right no council tree houses fall into a fucking bit but it is on the edge i mean yeah it is right on the edge but you're making it out like it's in the middle of a council estate. Well, it's on the edge of a council estate.

Like, this is a council estate. No, it's not. It's Prescott. Yeah. You're right. Yeah. Yeah, Finn's London. It's right.

What? I'm on Street View. Yeah. There's traffic lights. There's traffic lights. What do you mean? There's, like, houses immediately around it, in the vicinity of it. There's a big green fucking load of farmland on one side be sick if you could hear lions though in your bed wouldn't

it at night that'd be sick you can't there's probably lion noise on swastikas play that can i just say as well lions don't do a very satisfying roar you know like the the cinema roar yeah when you're actually there they're like. When you're actually there, they're like, Yeah, because they're in Knowsley, they're all depressed. It's because that lion's getting abused as well. They're all on fucking Valium, mate, because they're in Knowsley. Go to Chester and look at the lions. They're like, oh, they're roaring.

It's like a... Yeah, I lived in Chester for a year and that's how I sounded. I don't know how you do it. These lions have been there their entire lives. They're on Xanax. They're just fucking off their head depressed. That MGM Grand one was in the fucking Serengeti, mate, with all his boys.

He was getting abused, that one as well. The Serengeti. It's just making up places. In the fucking Masai Mara. Can you imagine being a born-in lion who lived in Chester? I was born in Chester, mate. A lion. Imagine one getting dropped off from the wild

to a born in, to an enclosure of like, you're right, we've been here for ages. We're just from round here. And one's like, yeah, mate, I've been there. I've seen the wild.

They're the cock of the fucking lion enclosure straight away. It's just a film, isn't it? Imagine the other way around. You're bred in captivity. All you've ever known is Chester and Chester Zoo. And then they drop you off

in the Serengeti. The Serengeti. Run free. You know? And all the liars go, all right, lads, what have you been up to? You have just been dropped off

from Chester. We're all going for a roar. And he goes, roar, roar. Yeah. What the fuck? No one's fucking in, are they?

No, even like the guy from Shawshank, you can't take it. He's institutionalised. He wouldn't make it out in the real world. Brooks. Yeah. I don't like it here.

Oh, Brooks. Why have you mentioned the saddest bit of an already sad film? But I always think the actor's still alive. I don't think everything got real fast on the Serengeti. I always think that after the sad bit in the film, I was like, the actor just went home that day and that kind of helps do you know like

I'm sure I don't know whether we spoke about this recently in here or whether it was with the lads I live with but apparently you know horror films one of the reasons you never see like a big name in a horror film is they want you to be more invested in it because Because like,

it's all unknown actors who are getting like fucking stabbed and stuff. Then you're like, oh my God, I've never seen these guys before. But if it's just like fucking, you know,

Denzel Washington, you're like, that's not, like this isn't as scary because, you know. I know him. Yeah. It's not because they don't make any money.

Yeah, it's partly that as well. But the realistic casting, didn't they do that for the passion of the christ they basically instead of putting a star in it was a relatively unknown isn't it mel gibson he directed he directed it no it was mel gibson yeah he was and he was involved in it yeah no but well courtney cox is in scream isn't she but she wasn't huge huge then was she i don't think scream counts as this because that was like a super mainstream like he do you mean like all the horrors they are sort of like b movies almost aren't they

uh i wasn't aware of this i've just googled passion of the christ there's a sequel coming out next year nice jesus 2 jesus 2 there's a sequel It's not really me? No. Set three days after the first one. Passion of the Christ, Resurrection, Chapter 1. Released 8... Oh, it's released around your wedding, Carl.

I'm just going to have to pick. Is it going to be like about all the people chatting about him after he came back and fucked off again? It's going to be about Peter Paul

and the rest of the boys, isn't it? That's what it's called. It's called The Passion of the Christ 2, Peter Paul and the rest of the boys, isn't it? That's what it's called. It's called The Passion of Christ 2, Peter, Paul, and the rest of the boys. That sounds heavy, by the way. There's loads of disciples, but there's two hard ones. You just need to know Pete and Paul.

To be fair, Pete and Paul sound like the hard ones. What are the other disciples? Judas. Matthew. Yeah. No, these aren't disciples, are they? Yeah. John.

Yeah. Of course. Luke. Luke. Ah, Luke. Um. Um. disciples are these uh yeah john yeah of course luke luke alu um gav and eddie clint clint eastwood he was one of the disciples yeah judas is an easy remember, isn't it? Judas Iscariot. Pontius Pilate. He was what? Mary Magdalene. God. Just saying Bible names. They're all his bros, aren't they?

And she was the one who he fucked. I don't think Pontius Pilate was. No. No, he wasn't the start, though. He used to go to the outlaws together and then he was left. He used to go fucking Mecca bingo. Yeah.

Not Mecca. Hang on, what did Jesus do then he was like, he used to go fucking Mecca bingo. Yeah. Not Mecca. Not Mecca. Hang on. What did Jesus do when he was resurrected? I genuinely don't know. Cause he was obviously, he was dead, but then he wasn't there

and he was like, why? He was seen in different parts of Jerusalem, wasn't he? Yeah. For days, like doing shit. Getting on it.

Yeah. Like, so they checked the cave and he's just gone dusted right and then

for the next few days a few of the people who wrote the gospels were like hang on 350 years later fucking hell like

that's Jesus there in Tesco yeah yeah yeah and then they checked the receipt and was like that is his club card number so def Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they checked the receipt and it was like, that is his club card number.

So, Defo him. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they started preaching, going, hey, I seen him after he died, you know? And loads of people were like, no, you fucking never. But they were like,

no, Defo did. And then they were killed for, like, sort of saying lies. First cover-up. First fucking cover-up. They died for what they were accused of saying lies. First cover up. First fucking cover up. They died for what they were accused of lying about. And that's sort of why Christians believe in Jesus

because they're like, no one's ever died for a lie. So they think the fact that they were willing to die and be punished for spreading the word of him being, you know, bobbing about in the cinema at the car wash and that a few days after he resurrected. Right.

They're like, right, if they believed it that much that they were willing to die for it, then it must be true. So the grave got robbed. And when they went back to go, hey, let's just check that fucker's in there. They were like, what? He's gone. He's gone he's gone it can't be a grave

it can't be grave robbers and then someone went hey hang on my brother-in-law saw him at crazy golf crazy golf what so it can't be grave robbers

crazy golf and the other day yeah he was at Tesco as well and that's how we ended up with essentially wow do you know if you buried the relative in a cave and then he went there would you go he was at Tesco as well and that's how we ended up with essentially wow Joe if you buried a relative

in a cave and then they weren't there would you go they're back alive again but then you got home and just before you were like hey someone's robbed our John's body someone was like

hey I seen your John today at the Mecha Bingo right and you'd be like hang on our John's been dead for three days you'd be like no here's a picture of me and John you'd be like hang on they got John's been dead for three days. You'd be like, no, here's a picture of me and John.

You'd be like, hang on. Ah, they got a selfie. Yeah, but then after a few days, it's just dust. He is weirdly translucent. Yeah, he always a painting. He doesn't take pictures well, John. Right. Yeah, I suppose, yeah.

That's the full basis of Christianity, literally. So that's what Passion of the Christ 2 is. I've never seen one. Do I have to see one? They do a little recap at the start. Oh, that's good. Like Game of Thrones. Previously on Passion of the Christ 2 is. I've never seen one. Do I have to see one? They do a little recap at the start. Oh, that's good. Like Game of Thrones. Previously on Passion of the Christ.

Just to catch you up. Get here, you. You fucking prick. Bang, bang, bang, bang. Oh, is it a musical? What? You're thinking of Jesus Christ Superstar. That is a musical, isn't it?

Jesus Christ Superstar. That's all he, isn't it? Jesus Christ Superstar. That's all he was, really. Just a fucking celeb of the day, wasn't he? You can nail me up, but you can't put me down. Bang, bang, bang. I'll see you with Tesco. Nice. And his babe was a brass.

Big dance scene. Yeah. Mary. Same name as his ma. Mary Bigger. Mummy issues. Oh, yeah. You'd expect him to have daddy issues you know born to a stepdad

Joey wasn't his fucking actual dad I think he called him dad she'd been slaughtered in the pool all over there's no, by the way, if I was the son of God and I was brought up to believe I was the son of God there's no way I'm calling Joseph dad not even there's a fire no yeah but hang on jesus i don't think jesus did anything son of god like until he was 30 then he went do you know what i need to settle down i am the son of god

he was like harry potter he'd done stuff and not noticed like he'd make glass disappear and a snake escape yeah he'd done all that he just automatically at the age of five knew how to juggle and everyone was like who taught you that he's like i think he might have spent his 20s just getting on it because like you've got to invite jesus he's great fun house party you've got some water bang wine he's just pissed and if you can turn water to wine you're the first invite for a house party what was the second name? Jesus. Christ. Jones. Yeah.

Jesus Jones. Me and Jesus. Jesus Jones. That's a scary old song. Yeah, there's no way he was calling Joey dad. He's probably calling him Joe. Just to be a prick. joe we got any milk fans of some frosty's me call me dad shut the fuck up mate i'll get me real dad to smite you

what do you mean by that can it surely can you really not do any like miracle shit till he was in his 30s there was literally no recorded and i mean it's all bollocks but there's nothing there's nothing is it like literally 30 to 32 33 is when he did all his stuff

it's like Jamie Vardy isn't he 100% just took ages he's heavy isn't he he was doing miracles in fucking league 2 for years

where's that Jesus he's in Fleetwood fucking about that's a lot after him now what a story Is that Jesus? He's in Fleetwood fucking about. That's a lot after him now. What a story. Wait till he gets to the championship. They say with Bethlehem was all career name, lad.

The lost years of Jesus, they're called. 18 years. He was on it. He was getting on it. He could make wine. He was a piss head. And then he got a fucking ice plunge and went,

you know what? I've changed. So hang on, there was 18 years. Yeah. Between 12 and 30. No one knows what happened. So for the first 12 years. Yeah.

But from the off, she was saying, this is the son of God, wasn't she? Yeah, but everyone thought she was a fucking wronger though, didn't they? Yeah. Because she's gone around going, listen, I'me but hey this is god's baby and everyone's like that's right usually so i'm not sure everyone believed it but imagine though like let's just take the story of face value for a minute and not like have our usual skeptical thing imagine she comes out right and she's like i'm having god's baby everyone's like you're

having fucking dave's baby mate we've seen him fucking leaving yours last week right and everyone's chatting about how much she's a bit of a hooer right and then she has this baby everyone feels sorry for joe thinking ah he's fucking fell for everything and it's god's baby and we all know that she was getting fucking slotted behind his back. And then Jesus turns 32 and starts moonwalking across the water. Then how bad would you feel? For giving her a shit for 30 years and Jesus is like, fucking look at this. I'm juggling my moonwalking on the water.

I bet she was at everything. She'd be like fucking John Fury. Just really like big presence. Always like, this is my son. He's a holy man. You know it. After all those years of basically everyone thinking she was a bit of a fucking slag.

You'd be fucking made up. As soon as he started doing his magic tricks, Mary must have been in her element. Like, I'm coming to every show. Isn't it mad though, that like she claimed that from the off and then he was able to do some stuff? You know what I mean? Like was able to do some stuff. You know what I mean?

Like eventually he did do some stuff. Like at very least he spent 18 years with the magic circle learning some shit. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like he did get good at whatever he was like trying to do

and she claimed it from the off. That makes me believe it. Do you reckon God well-eated or just like put it in her? Which one? God came down there was love involved was he kissing her God came down

in human form which by the way because I've watched Bruce Almighty is always going to be Morgan Freeman so Morgan Freeman came down

hasn't he played God like seven times something like that yeah I know he's played that a couple of times he's definitely played it twice

that might be it Bruce Almighty and Evan Almighty the best thing about Jesus by the way is when he got human something like that yeah I know he's played that a couple of times he's definitely played it twice that might be it see Bruce Almighty and Evan Almighty the best thing about Jesus by the way is when he got fuming that time

and started smoking everyone in the temple sucking them off no he went in and he was like a fucking pop up classic football shirt

or something in the temple and he went and smashed it all up didn't he you know that story this is my father's house yeah are you paying rent yeah kicking him back to the big fella no get out and he started like you know that story this is my father's house yeah are you paying rent yeah

kicking him back to the big fella no get out and he started like flipping all the tables and vicious yeah I think God

and there was Mary behind him he doesn't like a shop I think God did just be like yeah what baby in your pussy like I think he was just

ready to go as well yeah but did you hear about that woman about a year after Michael Jackson died that claimed she got fucked by his ghost and then she was pregnant with Michael Jackson's kid?

Yeah. That was a real woman. Wait till he starts doing magic tricks then we'll all believe again. We'll go moonwalk at least. Nice. And then fuck some kids. Ooh.

Allegedly. Whilst moonwalking. His kids are Luke Skywalker's, aren't they? What? Michael Jackson's kids. He lived in a weird world, didn't he? Mark Hamill's. Luke Skywalker.

Why are you asking us? We know the gossip about the early 90s in Hollywood. Is that like a rumour? I think that was a pretty solid rumour. Michael Jackson couldn't have kids. So he asked, you know, the obvious choice, Mark Hamill, to be the old...

I would like to have some babies, but I can't come. So I'm going to get the Star Wars boy to come fuck my wife. Star Wars boy. Priscilla Presley was banging, by the way. Have you seen the film? What?

Oh, the new one? It's great. No. I've not seen it. Jacob Elodie's Elvis. Not as good as Austin Butler. But the actually real Priscilla Presley was phenoms? Yeah, she was also 14.

Not her whole life. No. No. At one time, though. Yeah. But we've all been 14. What a great comeback. Who do you fancy?

Well, she was 11 once. You're fucking wrong. What's that? Is that the Finn Taylor bit? That brilliant bit. I couldn't fancy a woman, a trans woman, because there used to be a man. Well, I like Scarlett Johansson,

who used to be a baby. Fucking brilliant. Michael Jackson lived in a wild world, didn't he? to be a man well i like scarlett johansson who used to be a baby brilliant michael jackson lived in a wild world didn't he he watched star wars one day he went ah he's shagging you have you ever been shown pictures of laura when she was a kid we talked about this recently didn't we we did were you not in no and it's like oh i i bang her yeah you've got to be like oh what a cute oh you were so cute yeah and then you think i've kissed your bum all have you kissed laura's bum all yeah yeah she was 11 once and five that's worse should we do all the ages

you've kissed a former baby's but i never know how to handle it i it's it's horrible i mean yeah it? Yeah. Don't feel good. Especially if they still look like they used to. That's still her mouth. Yeah. That's not a new mouth. She hasn't grew a baby, like an adult mouth.

You know what I'm saying? It's out of order, but it's right. I've looked the same since I was about three years old. You don't even look the same as when you started working here. That was just fat i mean if you saw a picture of me when i was three i look exactly the same as i do now i'll find one in the break

yeah you're a grown you're a grown boy oh you're a grown boy dan when you look at it remember same I've never kissed his bum although he's dried wait till we're in Turkey oh oh I knew look at that hang on hang on let me just smooth it

oh smooth so we're planning on going to Turkey next year for Finn Day but it's going to be Finn Week going to be Finn Week

in Turkey Patreon special Finn's going to show us around the motherland the fatherland the fatherland I'm going to show us around the motherland, the fatherland. Fatherland. I'm going to fight his dad. You'd lose so badly.

Yeah, but it'd be good. It'd be funny. And I bet his dad fights dirty with machetes and nukes and stuff. Chili sauce before he starts. Chili garlic, my friend. We were talking before we started, and I said I want us to wait and talk about this on pod. Carl said you've banned me and Carl

from paying your nan a little visit, if you know what I mean. Because, think why. I'm not going to say it. Because I might want to fuck her. She might want to. Oh, really? That was Finn's words.

That was what I said. I pulled that aside and I just went... She's got a thing for the, you know... Scott's cock? Yeah. Like John Teddy's mom? Yeah. I pulled Dan aside and I just went she's got a thing for the you know Scouse cock yeah like John Teddy's ma yeah Finn Cupboard loves Nan

she loves the Scouse cock so all we've done here is flash bit before my eyes then why I've said this so they're gonna go and meet her and we're not allowed

all we're gonna do that day is find where they are yeah i'm gonna air tag them all is that genuinely what you're worried about that she might be like because i just won't chag it if you don't want me to thanks you're such a good mate do you think it's genuinely that's fucking sound like you know well i won't chag it either i'm just concerned about what about you two about us two doing what me and Me and you two. What do you mean? Do you not know what he means? No.

You do know what he means. Adam. What? What would we possibly do or say that would upset your nan? Bring disrespect upon my family. In what way, though? What? I honestly don't know.

We haven't decided yet. It could be so many things. Just spur of the moment, whatever you feel like doing at that minute. I said I'd never be rude to one of your families, especially in Old Leeds. You cannot assure that. You cannot.

Once there is a camera on and you're with him, it's evil concentrated. You can't make any assurances. You're up in the hills with a fucking Turkish nana. Does your nan live in the hills by the way? No. She lives up the hill though, doesn't she? No.

In my head, it's honestly like a Taliban hideout up there. That's where a lot of the family is. And you're worrying about me and him? He thinks she's in the Taliban, mate. I just think she fancies me. Once she meets you, she might be in the Taliban. A lot of the other family are in the hills. Oh, right, right, right.

You can go meet them if you want. Right, okay. Can they meet them? By the way, I'm now not going to Turkey unless we get to meet your nan. Oh no, we're going to find his nan. The only thing is,

he may not be there now. He's fucked it. Finn, respectfully, hopefully she dies before we go. Just for her own safety. I'm going to tag the lorries. And then when you've gone, I'll know where she lives. I mean, I don't want to go in the middle of the night.

You're going in the middle of the night? Yeah. To the hills. No camera, by the way, just for their own satisfaction. Will, stay there. Film it. This is a point of pride. We're going up into the hills.

I'll be very gentle and nice with you, Nan. Sexually. If he doesn't want me to shag his nan I won't shag his nan listen let's make a promise here what more do you want no one's allowed to shag anyone's nan

is that fair it's a deal man that should be a you can shag my nan if she wants you'll have to slag the wish sex yeah I'm really offended that you think your hands are slagged over your chin sex

yeah I'm really offended that you think I said to Carl I mean this one of you if it's just you two together it's not

say what you actually said I went I maybe wouldn't trust Adam on his own even on your own why why I know I'm offended that's why she's getting it now why if I could be her I went, I maybe wouldn't trust Adam on his own. Even on your own? Why? Why? I know, I'm offended.

That's why she's getting it now. Why? If I could be arsed, I'd edit a montage right now that I did see it right here. But it's no one else's family, is it? I've never been disrespectful to anyone's family. To be fair, we were laughing in this man's ring that time. That's because he lost it. But he lost it immediately. We we were like you came back to me

on the beach went all right just a heads up finn's lost his dead grandma's ring nobody is dead sad so i've never seen more in the sea he went something about like oh i loved your man's ring it was it was immediate It was immediate. Yeah, but that, if your dead nan was there, I wouldn't have said it. She was, in spirit. Yeah, but like, she can't, she was deaf, wasn't she?

I wouldn't disrespect your dead nan to her face. Thanks. Thank you. What about his living one? No. She's a very devout Muslim. Oh, well then there's no problem. There we go.

I won't even have bacon for like that day. Well, even on the carnival day. Yeah. I'll avoid bacon. What do you mean? What are you telling her she's a Muslim? It's just a fact. Okay.

I'll pray with her. I'm just, she's quite a... Bent over girl. What? I'll pray with her. I'm just, she's quite a... Bent over girl. Well, I'll pray with her. She's a devout Muslim. She can talk me into it. Prays five times a day. There we go.

So she'll probably be praying when we get there anyway. Yeah. Wow. Especially if she's old. Because like, if you've got to pray five times a day and they have to do it on the knees, on the little rug, don't they? I would imagine like her hips are going

and she probably just stays down. Yeah. Just find her. Stay down. You want to stay down. I'll just get down with her. She can teach me the prayer. We'll do the prayer.

Be very respectful. Make sure we film that. And then we'll all share a halal chicken. Oh, does she eat that? She does eat chicken, yeah. Nice. See, Finn, what were you worried about?

I don't know. You're getting air-tagged anyway. Yeah, this is going to be... We're going to have to escape to go and meet your nan. It doesn't matter what you do. I promise you we'll have sorted something. We'll have planned something by then. We'll be there when you get there.

More than welcome to meet my dad and rip the piss out of him. Fine, he's fair game. Your cousin is the mayor of Bodrum? My cousin's best friend is the mayor of Bodrum. What could possibly go wrong? I'll pray with him. I'll pray with everyone.

I'm going to the mosque. We're doing the mosque special. Well, this is happening. I'm going to wear my cheap trainees that day, though. That's my worst pair. In case someone's the awesome. No, there's no trainer robbing from the mosque, surely. You can risk as much as you want, mate,

but I'm not leaving my Wotherspoons at the door of the mosque. Your Wother was what? Me Wotherspoons. Your Wetherspoons? Me Wotherspoons. What's a Wetherspoon? It's a pub, then. That's not what I'm talking about.

It's an expensive Nike trainer. Sean Wotherspoon. You've got Wotherspoons? I've got Wotherspoons. Has he done that on purpose? Or is that his name? That's his name. Oh, right, yeah, yeah.

Rhys Witherspoon didn't do it on purpose either. Or Ian Withernife. I'll wear mine of hers. My Rhys Witherspoon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not leaving me good shoes at the door, you know? I don't think anyone who's a religious person would steal them.

Why do you take your shoes off? This is a genuine ignorant question. You've got to wash your feet. I mean, you've got to be clean before you go in. I've been kicked out of a mosque, so I'm not sure if we'd be allowed back in. I was six years old. I'm not sure how long the bans last.

What did you do at six years old? I was using the Primates as dance mats. And you're scared that we meet your nan. Bang, bang, bang. Did you think you were... What do you mean, Finn? Where was this, in Turkey? Yeah, my dad was like,

we're going to the mosque. Pay your respects and all that shit. It was Friday, Holy Day. And I was six and I was into break dancing at that point break dancing at the mosque i will great album break dancing at my house oh what a feeling he got bad at six yeah they came take that rhythmical child out of the mosque they came over to my dad and i don't know what they said because i don't speak very good turkish but i think it was to the effect. They came over to my dad, and I don't know what they said because I don't speak very good Turkish, but I think it was to the effect of,

yeah, you need to leave. Get that breakdancing cunt out of my mosque. He, like, dragged me by my collar out. What did he say? Yeah. But they won't recognise you now. Wow. I look the same.

That imam would be, that would be a fucking elephant-like memory if he was like, the breakdancing bastard. Out you go. Turn the music off. We should stop listening to Run DMC in the mosque. It's too tempting.

And what's that voice you're doing? Turkish imam. And I think he's spot on. It's like that. And that's the way Has he gone? Run DMC DMC

DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC

DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC

DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC

DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC

DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC

DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC

DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC

DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC

DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC DMC METHERAWERAWERAWERAWERAWERAWERAWERAWERAWERAWERAWERAWER So threatening. So threatening. She'll break dance for me. What? Get your mat out.

Let's have a dance. Five times a day. I already know the joke. I know why we're banned. I'll take a dance mat, one of them old classic ones, and lay that down and start busting a move.

And take Twister to the mosque. We're going to get arrested. It's going to be so good have a word in Erdogan's Turkey what could go wrong let's have a break the Comedians Club Chester is Saturday the 13th of July tickets available at comediansclubchester.com

we've got me comparing Phil Ellis, Kay Nicholson, and Matt Reid. Should be a bell tonight. It's selling well, so I want it to sell out. Saturday, July the 13th. Come see me in Chester at my church. And any more for any more? I would say a lot of, especially patrons, will want to keep, we won't tell them what it is yet,

but you'll want to keep Saturday the 12th of October as a date in your diary, noted down, because we're going to do something as a live thing in Liverpool that I would imagine a lot of you will want to be there for. Oh, you will want to be. We've got some very exciting live stuff in the pipework.

Oh, we've got a fucking exciting year ahead, haven't we? All the shit we're planning. Next year, there's going to be more sorts of things that you can come to. That isn't just me and Dan doing separate tours. But we have got one big thing coming. Saturday the 12th of October. Once it's all finalised,

we'll announce it when I'm back. And you will want to be there it's going to be class um shall we do some josh says yes lids watch the films guns akimbo the other day where daniel radcliffe has guns fixed to both of his hands what if you had to have something fixed to both of your hands, what would it be? Before we answer that, can I get a Rotten Tomatoes on Guns Akimbo?

It's meant to be really good, isn't it? What? Yeah. Really? Yeah, he's in a Kimbo. Maybe I'm thinking of a different film. You're thinking of Army Man. When he's dead.

Yeah, what is it? I can't remember. 52% for Guns Akimimbo it's like army man it's like swiss army man there we go i was getting confused so he keeps doing these roles yeah not a big daniel radcliffe it needs to stay away from anything that's taking us off seriously because he's just had he parted only yeah he's on broadway at the minute he's just won a couple of tony's oh has he it's so funny that the award's called the Tony, you know, because it's such a scouse dad name.

Yeah. You're very good at singing and dancing. This year's Alan Award for best radiator bleeding goes to... Daniel Radcliffe, who's got radiator keys on his hands. Does it have to be one each? Can it be the same thing, or can it be like two? Shall we say, for the sake of the question, they're mirrored. Oh.

Oh, so you get the same on each one. Okay. Or maybe as long as they're matched. Do you know what I mean? So you can't have like a butter knife and an Uzi. Oh, that's me out. I'm going with Allen keys. Because I'm fine with finding as I grow up, I need

Allen keys a lot more than I thought I ever would. Right, hang on. I've never got one to hand. So is it a bunch of Allen keys on each hand? Yeah, it's the different sizes. That is the worst possible answer that you could have given. Hang on. When was the last time you used... Yesterday, because I've tried to break down

the Kallax in my house and I haven't got any. Have you got hands? Or have you just got a set of Allen keys? It's like inspect the gadget. Google gadget, Allen key. Because by the way, that's torture. If you've just got a set of Allen keys one side,

and you can't get any of them out. So does it come out your hand? Yeah. Or is it attached to your hand? No, it is your hand. So you don't have a hand as well? You don't have a hand as well. Oh.

I'll pick hands then. When you've got dexterity over them, you can use them as like... I'm quite happy with what I've got. I'm just finding myself needing Alan Keyes more. When Serica goes, take me to bed, touch me with your Alan Keyes hands.

Who's Alan Keyes? Alicia's dad. Richard's brother. Whose bit's that? Oh, it's Brennan. Alan Keyes? Alicia's dad. Richard's brother. Whose bit's that? Oh, it's Brennan. Alan Keyes. I need them more than ever. I've never got them.

Bosh. I'll have electric, salt and pepper. I thought that. I thought salt and pepper, but... I don't like the electric ones, by the way,

just in my head then. They're great. I got them for Father's Day. What a touch. For fairer. This is mental. Their answers are mental, aren't they? yet then? Because they're great. I got them for Father's Day. What a touch. For fairer. This is mental. Their answers are mental, aren't they? I'm not just losing my mind.

What's yours? A fucking ATM and like a woman's tits? What do you need an ATM for? You've got everything you need. I don't know. Shall I answer and then you can go last? Yeah, go on. I was thinking like, do you know like the Coke machines? Yeah. On one last. Yeah, go on. I was thinking, like, do you know, like the Coke machines

on one hand, so unlimited soft drinks and then... Look, how big are Coke machines? You're not shrinking it down. Oh, like a gun. I think they're like a vendor machine.

No. One of the guns. You won't dance in mosques anymore. Fucking vendor machine for a right hand. And then, what's similar to that on my right hand. And then what's similar to that on my right hand? What's similar to that for your right hand? Crisp one.

That's our vending machine. He's just going to hang out at a leisure centre. Yeah. Giving out crisps and pop. Finn's great if you've just been swimming. Diet Coke, regular Coke. Guns are Kimbo. I'm sure he's just got like guns in his hands you know it's not like he's got no hands

and he's got guns instead oh yeah there's guns just sellotaped to his hands or something I've watched this film they're like he can't get rid of them and I think I turned it off actually it's one of the weirdest stories yeah it's just attached

to his hands he could still let go of them like wrapped around his wrist ah right right right so He could still let go of them. Like wrapped around his wrist. Yeah. Ah, right, right, right. So like he's got hold of them, but he could like

let them go and still use his hands. Every picture I'm seeing, his hands are in the same place and that is on the trigger. So it's... No, I'm sure. It's like if he takes

them off, he dies. I saw it and didn't pay attention because it was that bad. I'll never take my salt and pepper off. What are you going with that on?

Salt and pepper's so readily available everywhere then. Listen, so much. I've never needed salt and pepper, ever, apart from in here, and not being able to locate it. We bought some yesterday. Oh, sorry, a gold refinery.

It's not easy, is it? I'd love a lump of gold. I was thinking like dildos or something. What? Do you have a dick? I know, yeah. We're sponsored by Love Honey. They're not even available like dildos or something. What? Do you have a dick? I know, yeah. We're sponsored by Love Honey. They're not even available, dildos.

You've got a dick. Yeah, I know. But you can like fuck a woman from behind and then put your dildo on under her on her clit. She's going off like a broken fire hydrant. Sorry, what? You're using the dildo as a finger? Yeah.

Even though you've got a finger. I love how you've just gone. Your fingers don't vibrate. What. Your fingers don't vibrate. What? Your fingers don't vibrate like a dildo does. They can. They can. Yeah.

No, they can't. No, they can. They can. I can make them sort of vibrate. Yeah, you can wobble them. It's not like a bullet, though, is it? If I don't eat for two days and then we have sex, I get the shakes. Hang on, see what I have.

Uncle Jay Fox. Dildos for hands. Oh. What? You're having dildo hands.-Fox. Dildos for hands. What? You don't have dildo hands? No, because I've still got me hands. But you've got a dildo strapped to them? Yeah.

Well, that was an insane question. It's so mad how... It's obviously a ridiculous question. It's obviously a ridiculous question. But I love it how we take it so seriously. Like, lads, yeah, let's get into it. What's the best thing a human can do? Come.

Yeah. Yeah. It's up there. Orgasm's top three. Breathing. Do you know what definitely isn't? Adding salt and pepper to your dish. Well, I tell you what.

You know, when I make pasta, I don't need jizz. Next time you need a Kallax building, mate, you know who to call. Alan, Key. By the way, between the four of us, we can have a class night. Adam just jizzing all over IKEA flat pack. Hopefully he can't with you.

Whoa. That's what it would look like. Little visual. I'm feeling hay fever-y this summer. Considering it's not a very nice summer so far, I feel hay fever-y. It's been summer for two weeks. Everyone needs to fucking relax.

What? It's been summer for two weeks. Since the equinox. 21st is when summer starts, isn't it? Right. Yeah, I know, but usually May and most of June

is quite nice I don't think it's unreasonable to say a lot of May was nice it's not been great has it it's been

the first part of June everyone's like oh summer's been terrible the first part of June was cold back to school everybody the whole of July you're not even off school yet

you're not even off get back that's exactly my point because all of July and're not even off school yet you're not even off get back that's exactly my point because all of July and all of August is summer and a bit of June and a bit of September

yeah but the pollen is up mate may I recommend the injection Dan I had that when I went to Turkey my eyes were really bad if you're having a bit of hay fever just have some smach

and you won't give a shit I recommended the hay fever injection so I went to someone didn't realise I'd know the girl fever injection, so I went to someone. Didn't realise I'd know the girl, and it's in your bum cheek. Did you wash your arse? No.

It's shit everywhere. Hay fever injection? Finn! That is really a bad faux pas, though. I know. I'm a key pop. What do you have on? What do you have good pants on?

Always, mate. It's ready to go. I wouldn't mind getting a needle in the arse. It's probably, like, in the arse cheek it's fine I think it's the best place to get it yeah because you can't even see it going

yeah when you were a kid did your nan say make sure you're wearing clean undies in case you get hit by a car I've heard the phrase

yeah mad what did you never get that no make sure you've got clean underpants on you might get hit

by a car what if you shit yourself after you got hit by a car exactly his nan was like do you know any scousers bring them round no make sure you've got clear underpants on you might get hit by a car what if you shit yourself after you got hit by a car exactly his nan was like do you know any scousers bring them round

yeah I never understood that because when they take it off you'd be all embarrassed I heard you pooed your pants when you died anyway didn't it all yeah it's common

it's not everyone but it's common how when you get a birth your body just gets rid of all the stuff in it doesn't it when you die it's just like

you just loosen up yeah all the stuff in it, doesn't it? When you die. It's just like... You just loosen up. Yeah. All your snot comes out. Piss, shit. You don't want to be bloated after you die. Cum everywhere. That's why old people always stink, because their bodies are just getting ready

and just leaking it bit by bit. Cum. Where are you from? Kenny says, Yes, the boys. If you could only communicate with one word for the rest of your life,

what word would you pick? Nah. Daddy, do you love me? Nah. I haven't got any kids yet, so yes. You could do it like ironically. You never will as well.

Well, no, because someone would go do you want to have kids and you'd be like nah do you want to Guinness at them nah no it's not that's the whole point isn't it nah

because if you pick yeah like that's what that's what nah you know what I mean like that's the whole point of it

Is you have to pick a word That like you can Sort of get around Because if I say yoghurt Do you want to get us out of them Yoghurt Sound fucking stupid Ah then did you stab

This woman to death Nah Nah Nah Nah I didn't No we can say that Nah Yeah

Mine's perhaps Did you stab that woman in the step cow perhaps it's up to them to prove it I haven't said the S or no do you want a beer perhaps

they'll get you one I think perhaps is the answer I think it's nah what are you going for shagga just say shagga all the time

daddy do you love me shagga I don't think shagga works at all no it's it'd be absolute torture any way you do it yeah i was thinking along your lines i was thinking like sound or something sounds a good one actually yeah try it fucking hell mate have you seen that natty rally over there sound eight children have been killed in a church sound sound

sound sound sound's a good one yeah I think that might that might be the right answer perhaps it's bollocks you've been

did you stab this woman to death sound sound I think you did it sound I love it how in this projection we're acute

there's a lot of murders isn't there like it's day to day like you know did you kill someone I've never been asked if I've killed anyone ever I'll try some day to days

with me and I'll keep using sound have you pooed in the toilet sound toilet did you did you did you flush oh

sound did you live skid marks sound have you signed those patreon posters sound yes not that he went signed anyway Did you leave skid marks? Sound. Have you signed those Patreon posters? Sound? Not that he went and signed anyway.

Let's do some advice. If you need some advice, have a word pod at gmail.com. If you want to get it VIP treatment, patreon.com slash have a word pod. And Harry will filter it to the top. This is from an anonymous lid. Now then lids, I'm a single lad in my twenties and I have to have a colostomy bag fitted back in my late teens. My question is, when you're meeting new lady friends, how and when would you, Lyd, tell them about the actual bag of shite they're going to see without killing the mood?

Well, the phrase killing the mood implies you're waiting until you know what you're about to fuck. Yeah. I'd just drop it in to, like, the first date conversation, like, really innocuously. Do you know what you're about to fuck. Yeah. I just drop it in to like the first date conversation, like really innocuously. Do you know what I mean? When she's like, so what do you do for work? You just be like, well, you know,

obviously my life's a bit different because I have to shit in a bag. So I can't do it. Yeah. I work at a construction site because, you know, I have to shit in a bag and I've always wanted to be a bricklayer. I mean, you don't put it on your Tinder profile, do you know I have to shit in a bag and I've always wanted to be a bricklayer I mean you don't put it

on your Tinder profile do you that's I think you should that's too up front no you can't put it on first pick nice one second pick bag of shit

you can't put it on your Tinder profile on any sort of dating profile like that because when it comes to those profiles people are judging you

purely on looks so you don't you want to hide all your negatives there any negatives about your appearance and I'm so you don't you want to hide all your negatives there any negatives about your appearance and i'm sorry i don't want to stigmatize but having a shit bag attached to your arsehole is a negative when it comes to appearances and that's why he's asking and you want to wait until you can sort of enforce your personality on these people before you'd be like hey i, I poo in a bag.

On the plus side, I'll never need to go to the toilet. Yeah. The bathroom's always free at my house, love. You know what I mean? You gay? The bathroom is always free.

That is a plus in a marriage, by the way. Like when you're dating, I understand why there'd be a bit of a stigma because people, you know, any difference is seen as a deficiency. But, yeah, of a stigma because people, you know, any difference is seen as a deficiency.

But yeah, I think in a marriage, you know, we only need one bathroom in our house, love. Going to festivals, you don't have to queue for fucking ages to use a dirty port-a-potty. What if you roll over in bed, don't burst it? You'd hang it off the side, don't you? That sounds like a euphemism.

Don't let your dog near you're close to me, bag. That's on the instructions that come with it. When they plumb it in. Like, have you got any dogs? You're going to need to keep that away from your shit bag or there'll be poo everywhere. FYI, shouldn't need to be said, avoid trampolines for a bit.

For a bit? You can hold it, can't you? You can't go swimming I think with anything like just you want to judge it so it's not

like as you're getting undressed yeah but like people are going to be sound about it if you really like someone can you take it out

what do you mean I might be ignorant to what a colostomy bag is but like someone can you take it out what do you mean i might be ignorant to what a colostomy bag is but can you just like take it out you have i think you have to sort of take it out and clean it and stuff yeah um my mom had one before she passed away it's really funny like and obviously it's really like difficult and life affecting and life changing and stuff but uh like there's a funny side to it if you've got a sense of humor about like, obviously your plight,

which this lad obviously has because he's writing into us about it. Would you clean a flange? Say that again? Would your mum clean a flange? As far as I'm aware, I've never had a very clean flange. And you wonder why you're not meeting things now.

No, it's a two-piece pouch. The bag and the flange are separate. Oh, nice. I never seen a cleaner flange. But I've got no reason to believe she had a dirty flange. The flange can be left on your skin for several days, though. She should have done it in private. And then the bag's the bit that comes on and off.

Yeah, it was... Like, after she sort of lost half of her leg, she also, like... She had two the bit that comes on and off. Yeah, it was like after she sort of lost half of her leg she also like had two flanges. Her bladder and bowel were affected as well because of her

alcoholism. Of course. But it is mad to just be sat watching loose women knowing your mum's pooing on the couch. With a very clean

flange though. Yeah. That's what they always said. She's the last loose woman. Poo's are loose yeah Johnny says

you know what's really funny about all of that is I know if there's an afterlife and my mum's watching this she is no into a bag

please tell me you don't have a costume bag in heaven I think you you go to heaven with whatever you're left with no

that's why ghosts have always got the same outfit on no you can't spend eternity with a clean flange and a colostomy bag

that's she's gotta go back in a you ever seen a ghost in a colostomy bag but I know she's crying and eyes not laughing

but I know so many of like her side of the family would be watching this being like you can't say that about your mum's colostomy bag. But I know she's crying and eyes out laughing, but I know so many of her side of the family would be watching and just being like, you can't say that about your mum's colostomy bag. She wasn't pooing watching Loose Women.

Like, loads of them will be fucking raging about it. But my mum will be up in heaven crying her eyes out laughing. Did she lose a leg? She lost it? She lost the bottom half of one of her legs, yeah.

And then she used to get phantom limatures. Oh, yeah, yeah. So you get itchy toes, even though you haven't got any toes. Can you imagine how fucking infuriating that would be? Athlete's foot, when you've lost your foot. Yeah. What you do there, it's all psychosomatic, isn't it? You have to get therapy or something, I don't know.

How do you get past that? You just can't itch it. Like, because they cut your leg off, but all the nerve endings get pushed into your stump. But, like, you can't reach them, because they're not attached to the skin, because the skin's already got its own nerve endings in the nappa.

So you've just got, like... An itchy toe. You've got itchy toes, but you haven't got any toes. You can't itch the stump. You can, but it just doesn't do anything. It wouldn't itch your toe. It's like if you were to itch your toe, you wouldn't scratch your knee.

That's exactly what it is. Johnny says, wag wag lids, I need a bit of advice. It's so real, this, you know. I'm currently going through... All of it's so real.

I'm currently going through a divorce. The issue is, my ex-wife is refusing to pay her share of the fees. Even though it's her fault the marriage ended, she couldn't keep her legs closed. I don't know if I should just pay all of it myself or try and take her to court.

Any advice? Keep up the fantastic work, lads. Got me through a very tough time. That's from Johnny. I think you should have been more supportive of your wife's horse riding she can't keep her legs closed she can't get off the horse so she was sleeping about

and now she won't pay for the divorce fees yeah but like there must be more to it mustn't there he's not written the truth in us he's written his side of the truth yeah because if it's her fault There must be more to it, mustn't there? Oh, yeah. He's not written the truth in us. He's written his side of the truth. Yeah. Because if it's her fault, like she's refusing to pay her fees, well then,

like that's her problem, isn't it? It's not your problem. Oh, but if you want a divorce, would you not just pay it? Is that delaying it, yeah? Yeah, yeah. You've got to both agree to it, haven't you? Oh, she's saying I don't want a divorce,

so I'm not paying it. No. No. She is refusing to pay her share of the fees so that means they can't get a divorce they're currently going through a divorce she won't pay her bit he can pay that he can just he can expedite the whole thing by paying the fees but she's going i'm not fucking paying they've agreed to the divorce by the sounds of it, but she's just... How much does the divorce cost, Finn? I know. It is... It depends how sound you're being with each other.

An uncontested divorce... Yeah, there you go. ...is between 602 grand, excluding VAT. As soon as you start disagreeing, solicitors get involved, and then that shit's drawn out. Between three and 10 grand. Ooh.

Yeah, I've got a mate who's going through a divorce and uh he's not having the most fun he's ever had but if you if you just get to the end of it and go hey we're done here aren't we yeah it's the easiest thing you just have to pay the basic fees unless someone's not paying johnny just pay the fee and just be fucking rid of it by the way you didn't need to tell us that your mate wasn't having the most fun he's ever had going through a divorce because otherwise there would be divorce theme parks and there isn't.

Dan, just to let you know, this is great fun. Best thing about marriage is divorce. We're going to get remarried after we're divorced just to do it all again. You can keep your water slides, sir. I'm going divorcing. Do you have the Sutton that you both own? There's this list of pick who gets it.

Like you've got like a lovely tea set. So basically, if you're splitting it 50-50. It's like picking a five-a-side team. Yeah. So like everything gets valued. And if you go, right, I want that telly. And they go, right, that's about seven ton. And she goes, well, I'll have the little telly,

but that's only 300. She then gets 400 quid worth of other stuff. Is that true? Yeah. All the match types. It's a division of assets and it's meant to match.

Mad. You own a house with Serica. I do. Did you do it fiddy-fiddy? We own it as one person. There's two different ways, isn't there?

All right, so it's 50-50 then. Yeah, it's not like I own more. Right. Or she owns more. Yeah, but that's 50-50, isn't it? 50-50. 51. That's 50-50 then? Yeah, it's not like I own more. Right. Or she owns more. Yeah, but that's 50-50, isn't it? Yeah, 50-50.

50-50. That's 50-50, yeah. I know, I'm agreeing. Is that 50-50? No, we own it as one person. We are one. No one's got more. We're together.

That's 50-50, pal. No, no, no. It's different. Our house is actually 120%, though, so... Oh, nice! Oh? Yeah, you can... Hey, babe, you can have 50%

but I'm taking 70 I think that's fair I think you'll understand I'm putting a lot more money in I want you to have 50% that's mad that wallet is like something that's

like a value but it's priceless to you both in terms of its memory then I think you have to come to an agreement on like what the value of that is like the dog

yeah that dog's worth seven son right well then you can have two cats I'll have the smaller dog the gerbil and the fish that makes one one good dog three snakes a rabbit oh god I'm so oblivious that it seems like a fucking right laugh Three snakes, a rabbit. Oh, God.

I'm so oblivious that it seems like a fucking right laugh divorce. Fucking hell, mate. If it's causing you anguish, Johnny, just pay it and just get her out of your life. Imagine still having every ex in your life fucking around. Like, that's the beauty of not marrying. Like, you just go, go hey we're done aren't we and then you can just end it like it seems like torture to just drag that out because of some

legalese what is it one in three get divorced is that two apparently that's cancer yeah same thing that one in two cancers hyped up though one One in two people are affected by cancer. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not one in two people die of cancer. Also, old people just get dead old people cancer at the end. Like my granddad's bum cancer. Yeah, like your body's gone.

You've got to have something. Hang on, you've got cancer of the bum? Yeah. Bow. Hole. What's the one up your ass? Prostate. Colon.

Prostate. Yeah, you've got prostate cancer. Where you got prostate? I mean, you can keep saying colon, but it's prostate. No, he got prostate,

but you said, what's the one up the bum? And that could be either prostate or colon. Yeah, but then I'm telling you, it was definitely prostate. I answered your question. What's the bum hole one? Dan. And I said your question what's the Bummo one and I said

maybe colon because that could be one of the ones Dan I know what your grandad had up his arsehole no that's not what I'm saying at all that's not what I'm saying at all I have got no idea

what kind of arsehole cancer your grandad died of what I'm saying is there is more than one option I don't think he died of it he didn't die of it he just died of it I think he just died of it

I think it really like hypes up the stats it's like Pele scoring 40 a season when he was like 53 it. I think it really like hypes up the stats. It's like Pele scoring 40 a season when he was like 53. It's all hyped up by end of year, end of career bullshit.

Cancer's padding its stats. Cancer is padding its stats. Ronaldo. What are you Googled, Devin? Half of, yeah, half of all marriages.

But if you marry again, then the chances just go up and up. So 67% of second marriages end and 73% of third marriages. Oh, wow. That doesn't include death, does it? Yeah, that's not a divorce, I don't think. Because then 100% of marriages fail.

Well, yours hasn't yet. No, but 100... It will do. Are you saying that I'm going to beat death? Story's not finished, is it it you're doing well so far that's true we're still married i've not died yeah yeah dylan says all right lids need a bit of advice i've been chatting to this girl at work and after a bit of grafting she agreed to go with for dinner with me i only work sporadically as i'm at university but i facetimed her about three days before we were meant to go for dinner i was absolutely bladded when i facetimed and woke up in the morning blocked on everything with not one clue

what i've said to have caused this now i'm dreading going back to work in a couple of weeks do i just quit or do i act like i remember what I said and just own it? Cheers, Dylan. You've got to move country. Just quitting the job is nowhere near enough. You've got to move house. I dated you FaceTime-y.

Never mind, I thought I was going on a date with. Oh my God. You've got to change your name by deed poll, move to Cornwall. Yeah. Can we just breathalyze on your phone? Can,

we can't be that far away from when you're like, breathe on it and just, it should just shut down. Do it with cars. No, no good can come.

You can get one. A breathalyzer phone? A phone breathalyzer, yeah. 100 quid. Mad. Is that from Timu? No, Amazon. We've seen the cars,

but you can't start the car for people who've been drunk driving. Did I mention about Bondi's Tesla? My mate Tim, his Tesla, they keep updating it and it's getting more and more strict on the self-drive thing. When he first got it a few years ago,

he was like, basically you could just watch Netflix, and if you're on the main roads, it would just take you to work. And now it's like detecting if your eyes aren't looking on the road. It's got an eye detector. So it goes, hey, and then it gives you warnings. It gives you points on your Tesla license. How are people fucking in the cars then?

Well, I think that's in the UK. Also, that is illegal. So it's... How are people fucking in the cars then? Well, I think that's in the UK. There's different... All right, okay. Also, that is illegal. Is it? Is there a law? Is it a crime? Is it a crime to fucking...

To fuck on the A42? Is it illegal to get sucked off while you're driving? I think they do you for reckless driving. Isn't it anything that distracts you? What? Isn't it anything that distracts you? It's legal to eat and stuff in it so

yeah but like who gets done I think it's you that's driving unless unless you're sucking someone off and I'm getting sucked off

right right I was telling her no officer I was saying stop please stop yeah my hands are on the wheel

what do you want me to do I've been sexually assaulted and I'm getting done from reckless driving officer thank god you're here Please stop. My hands are on the wheel. What do you want me to do? I've been sexually assaulted and I'm getting dumped on breakfast driving. Officer! Thank God you're here. This is an assault. She's still there.

All fucking pulled over. I'm still intent to do. New telly has packed that in. Get off. I just had a sandwich. I think you'd get... I think there's a few points going on in your licence. I don't think you can ever get in trouble

for getting sucked off. It's not your fault. Please. Well, there's guys in prison that are doing more time for getting sucked off. Yeah, so did they. The guy who was welling up prison guard, he's got more time on his...

Yeah, but again, I don't agree with that. That's a different thing from what you said though, isn't it? You said that you don't think you can ever get in trouble for getting sucked off. Sorry, what I should have said

is I don't think you should ever get in trouble. Lollipop lady getting sucked off. If she's got a big enough cliff to suck her off. Barbara, can we have a word?

We need to speak to you in the head's office. During the Mild Eye Club, is that illegal? Yeah. Like if you get sucked off suck it off. Barbara, can we have a word? We need to speak to you in the head's office. Great. Join the Mile High Club? Is that illegal? Yeah. Like if you get sucked off in an airplane bog,

you're going to jail. No. I don't think it's illegal. It's illegal to join the Mile High Club. No, it's not. I'm pretty sure it is. Why is it illegal?

Because it's public indecency, isn't it? No, it's not. I'm going to check, but I'm pretty sure it's not allowed. Is it the same in a train bog then?

Mile Long Club. Yeah. Well, it's the same and to check. Shut the door. Is it the same in a train bog then? Mile long club. Yeah. Well, it's the same and it's just on the floor. Go on. We're just checking dirtylaw.com. It's only if you get caught,

to be fair. Hang on. It's illegal. Yeah. That's all crime. You can murder someone. It's not illegal unless you get caught.

So it's illegal then. But what happens? You could get arrested. Oh, shit. In the sky. We're taking you to plain jail. A different seat. Yeah, we're going to put you both in this cubicle.

I don't know how true this is. This is on Reddit. It's not illegal to join the Mile High Club. It's only against the law if you refuse to stop after they ask you to you'd have to make a decision at that point wouldn't you and all you have to do is say you're deaf because like they can't

like wave at you because the door's shut and they don't know sign language that's on them if they open the door they can't go stop they can't open the door can they I've locked the door I'm just bumming someone's head off

in the airplane bar they've got an override on that what it's the flingiest door in history don't worry love keep going

they won't get in this door like four fucking knocks oh they've just lent on it slightly but that's them that's on them isn't it they've opened the door they've opened the door

what if like you're talking as well what if like I'm just like they open the door and I opened the door what if like she's talking as well what if like I'm just like they open the door and I'm just like on my own banging on the wall

going I'm just singing a BG song can you pack that in that's public indecency I'm like it's just disco I'm just having a poo love

oh the BG's a crime this is how I poo this is how I poo the BG's a crime. This is how I poo. BG's a crime. Doing a shite. Doing a shite. Can you imagine having a look like that when you came up the toilet from there? Like, look.

Is he all right? I was just doing a shite at the BG's, mate. How are we helping this lad then? What was it again? He FaceTimed someone. I miss the days where you could just not go into that job because you cringed yourself out. Great days.

Great minimum wage fucking days. Well, that was awkward. I'll just never go back again. What a fucking option. Deny it. Oh, it was a deep fake. Just deny it. Go on the boat.

No, don't. There you go. Just move. Start a relationship with a bit of gaslighting. I don't know who you were talking to, you liar. I'm disgusted by what you did. You liar. See you Thursday.

Just genuinely just move to like Scandinavia. Anywhere there. Solid. Back to God, Scandinavia. Give yourself a new name like honestly this is like my worst

nightmare by the way Johan Klaus Johan something Anderson moved to Sweden hello Johan alright I can't speak the language he said hello in English

hello I don't speak Scandinavian lad I can't for this ad lib I can't speak Swedish as much as I want to. Let's have a break, eh?

Shall we? Welcome back to part three of four of this week's episode of Have A Word, the podcast. First timer, Lucas Zelnick here. It's a pleasure to be here. Any relation to Mel Zelnick, the jazz drummer? Are you fucking with Melnick here. It's a pleasure to be here. Any relation? To?

Mel's Elnick, the jazz drummer. Are you fucking with me? Did you Google her? No. You know a jazz drummer's name? Yeah, I worked with Benny Goodman and Lenny Tristan. Yeah, I know him well. How are you, mate?

I'm good. I took 12 to 14 hours of travel to be here so you just lost count at 12 i lost count at 12 i know it's more than a day but the time zones fucked me up you know a day is 24 hours i know that it was more than a 12 hour day in america we do 12 hour days yeah because you got in touch with us and asked like if there's any space and i was like yeah sure we'll sort it out and then it looked like you couldn't make it but you changed flights to get here i moved an embarrassing amount of travel to be here because i went back to all the american comedians i know who have done your podcast yeah and they were like if you skip this

fucking podcast it's like skipping rogan and i was like all right there you go there's a lot of liars in new york valuable liars in new york i heard that and then the other thing the american comedian said is they said you might want to listen to a few episodes so you can understand the scouse accent yeah how are you doing with that because i think you're doing quite well i think it's fine yeah well my girlfriend's english but she's not she's not a scouser where's she from in england i said that did you hear that uh she's from uh ruscombe in redding that's not a place is it no no it's not and i don't even have a girlfriend uh no does she live in new york she lives in new york now with you uh we don't live together but okay near each other and is she over here with you yeah oh wow okay yeah okay her whole family and friend group is coming to my show on sunday so i'm pretty nervous have you met them

before uh not all of them and honestly like she and i broke up and got back together and i wrote some pretty nasty shit about her and it's in the hour that's good i love it when you do that as a comedy like listen we've got back together but that stuff's fire it's gotta stay in look we literally had that i was like listen it's kind of like my job like you can't just like pull things out of my job once it's in the hour it's gotta stay so i have some pretty bad stuff in there yeah well i guarantee the stuff i've written about breakups in the past is a real line in the sand it does really sort of remove the possibility of getting

back with anyone that's why i wrote it yeah the fact that we got back together it was shocking how long were you together before you broke up three months and how long you've been back together uh going on eight months yeah okay how bad could she be in three months oh it's the firework yeah's a three month firework Show your best after three months You know what it burned bright and fast We got matching tattoos within a month Sure was it?

It's on my arm I'm glad you said arm What's that? Oh it's a different arm No it's It's two people on a beach towel Okay I honestly like the tattoo had you been the beach together no no great question absolutely not me and jack and uh

our other friend alfie wanted to get uh matching tattoos but then we literally just forgot to get them in nashville i wanted a cowboy hat on my wrist. Wrist? That's very visible. It's in case he forgets how much you look. Depends what you're looking at. If you're looking at the ceiling. What's my whole personality?

Ah, yeah, cowboy. Got it. And a pint of Guinness on the other. I'll have two of them. Do you have them? Why Nashville? So we went as a team

last year and filmed like a week long vlog which we released on Patreon and patreon.com slash have a word pod of course

it was the best week of my life by a mile I loved it dead good love country music so we went back three weeks

four weeks ago and yeah me Jack and Alfie all went to Nashville together. It was the end of a tour. Jack was my tour manager. Alfie was my opener on tour. So we wanted tour memorabilia on our arms and we thought matching.

Initially it was going to be, um, a tattoo of Winnie the Pooh. Okay. Because we had an in joke about Pooh. Okay. Like Pooh, like Pooh,

like excrement. Yeah. Poop, as you would say winnie the poo what do you mean by poo yeah yeah oh poop poop so we were backstage i don't think i've told anyone on the pod this yet on the pod i just think i've told you no you've told on the pod yeah so we were backstage at leicester square theater in l and uh Alfie was singing the song Roses by Outkast yeah and he says uh roses really smell like do do do and I said it's not do do do it's poo poo poo

and he was like I'm pretty sure it's do do do and I said no it's definitely poo poo poo I think it's both it's not it's poo right it's poo poo poo? It's poo poo poo. Right? Because we played it. And as he sung it, Alfie said the sentence, hmm, it's poo, isn't it? Right? And it made me laugh harder than it should have as a professional comedian. But it just, it really got me.

And I was like, that sounded like you'd like tested like chocolate off like your baby's leg and i'm going no it's poo isn't it never do that never do a lick test it's chocolate in this nappy no my mistake i've done it again putting your finger in a pile of shit on the sidewalk oh it's poo so then the next day we went and got a pastry and uh jack said jack was like there's a spice in this that i just can't i can't quite put my finger on what the spice is in this pastry and i said it's poo isn't it and we all laughed harder than again we should have and then that just became a running joke for the any time you had the opportunity to say the sentence it's poo isn't it uh and then

we thought we would just get matching poo tattoos like actual poo yeah like a poo emoji and then we were going into starbucks i need one of these so you need to open the toilet otherwise i'm gonna have to do it in this. So... It's cowboy art on a Guinness glass. I can't remember which one. She's in me cowboy art. I wouldn't have seen it. Part of the dark stuff. And then we were like, well, we could get a twist on Pooh,

which is Winnie the Pooh. And then none of us wanted Winnie the Pooh on us because we thought, you know, women might see that and think we were like autistic children or something. Yeah, or pedophiles. Yeah. Isn't Winnie the Pooh a woman? No.

No. Wasn't that the book? Well, he's got no genitalia. He doesn't wear pants. Winnie's a lady's name. How do you know Winnie the Pooh's got no genitalia? He's got a pencil.

He's got no pencil. Yes, he has. No, he doesn't. Famously, obviously. He's got no pants. I feel has no he doesn't he's got no pants i feel like that's like a confab this is a mandela effect do you know what in my head he's got red pants on now if you mandela affect me backwards i could see the red pants but i think he's got no pants no that's when he goes to a wedding he He wears matching... Red top. Do you know what poo-bearing is? Yeah. Yeah, when a man's just got his T-shirt on and he's not about...

It's like literally the ugliest a man can ever be. But it's the sexiest a woman can be. Yeah. Which just goes to show how different we really are. That's why we wear the poo as a woman, because she's fit. Do you think poo-bearing is the sexiest a woman can be? Just a T-shirt with a pussy out?

Yeah. Yes! Guy who's clearly pretending to be straight good to know then i'll make sure to tell my guy friends back in the states do you not think that's sexy like just i think that's sexy but i'm a boobs guy though so i you know i want to see the boobs god there's not many of us anymore you know but all about the ass all All of them. I know. Even the gays for the men.

Ever since wokeism destroyed our country. By the way, gay men have never liked it. That's not a modern thing. You should just join in the bandwagon. We all love ass. We love boobs. I like boobs. I like boobs.

Boobs are fantastic. No one's arguing about that. But, do you know what I've always thought? Hey, isn't it mad that we, that we all like boobs when they are just two

like big fatty lumps? Like if they had them on like their elbows, you wouldn't find them attractive at all. It's something about them being here. But do you know why? Javay says it, doesn't he?

In the office. The shape of it reminds us of a woman bent over what kind of woman is this you're saying you like boobs because it looks like ass the original ass guy

no one has ever seen a great naked ass and gone look they look like tits those ass cheeks it's in the office it's the nipple the asshole

in that analogy it goes back to caveman time like a built in thing of oh that's a woman's arse I actually think it's from an evolutionary point of view

because the bigger the tits the more milk for your babies that's true yeah it makes sense doesn't it she's got massive tits therefore me kids not going to be hungry

can girls with AIDS can they breastfeed kids with AIDS girls with AIDS oh thank you they can breastfeed? Kids with AIDS? Girls with AIDS? Oh, yeah. They can breastfeed, but they do give the kids AIDS. You can do it, but you know what's going to happen.

Yeah, don't do it. Yeah. Yeah. I just don't think they can get as much. Like a thimble. It's just a smaller cupboard, isn't it? I think gay men can appreciate it. A mini fridge. Gay men can appreciate it.

A mini fridge is a lot better. Gay men can appreciate it. Looking just at me. Like can appreciate tits, though, can't they? A mini fridge is a lot better. Gay men can appreciate it. Looking just at me. Like, I reckon, you know, when you're like, oh, they don't love tits. But I think even gay men will be like, absolutely cracking. I think so. I think so. Well, gay men can appreciate an attractive woman the way I can appreciate how sexy men

can be with the nice faces. Yeah. And the chiseled jaw. Yeah. Women appreciate tits, too. Everyone loves tits yeah, there you go they're like Raymond

that's what they pitched it as everyone loves tits and they're like it's a bit on the nose have you replaced tits with like Ray Romano it was a bit of a tit I like the premise of the show we love this but have you thought about putting Ray Romano in instead of all these tits bit of a tit I like the premise of the show we love this great idea

but have you thought about putting Ray Romano in instead of all these tits what do you want to do fantastic the thing is tits doesn't

it's not a very appropriate name is it it's quite sharp sounds sharp tits tits what would you call them

a breast is quite slimy isn't it? Yeah. You know what I mean? Ideally, the perfect. Right. There's a TV show that I didn't watch.

Right. There's a TV show that I didn't watch and you definitely didn't watch because shock horror, it didn't travel across the Atlantic very well. It didn't travel across the maze. And they have been just easing it in but it can

because it's part of their personality they can do it conversationally in a podcast form very sneakily of course there was of course there was

but you just you just either you've done it before or it just felt too two pints of lager and a packet of crisp you need to sound round though

that isn't two pints you need to sound what they are. Boobs. Boobs is good. They've got two O's. Boobs. Like, it sounds like what it looks like.

Tits doesn't, does it? It sounds like... Do you know why they're called boobs? Because it's all the ways you see them, isn't it? Capital B is from above. O is in the front and the small B is the side. That's why they're called boobs. Is that right?

Yeah. Well, if it isn't, I've just made it up, but it does. Did you just make that up? No, I've seen that before. I don't think that is the etymology of the word.

That is the most thoughtful thing I've ever heard. Let me have it. The fuck? I think it's been reverse engineered, but it is classed that it works.

Yeah. Something to do with moo and boob. I think that might be boob. Moo. Get him out the old nap. He. I think that might be. Boob. Moo. Get him out the studio. He's done.

The dairy. He's done. Moo. Moo. Boob. Right. What else has milk in them? Milk.

What else has milk in them? Cows. What the cows say. Moo. Boobs. Yeah. Moo. I thought moo was mantis

what's it it comes from booby that's the thing and that was Spanish Spanish and Latin by the way you cannot look it up and say to us with a straight face

the etymology of boob is it comes from booby that is what it is. But it's from bulbous, as in bulbous. You can't say to a woman, get your boobies out. You can't, you're right. You can't. I love your boobies. You can't say, get your bulbouses out.

From Latin, bulbous. Not from moo, no. Not from moo. Surprisingly. I'm surprised. For sex sex no american has ever gone really nice boobies that is a striking pair of boobies yeah no it doesn't sound right does it what would you say i would if i was actually going to say to a girl boobs also sounds childish to actually say to a person live. I'm going to come on your boobs is a weird... I don't work.

It does for me. But isn't tits British? No, well... No, it's American. Is it? Oh, I thought it was British. Tits feels right. Tits is the sexy one.

When you're talking about them, you're saying tits, aren't you? So much of our language like that is Americanized, though, isn't it? We've gradually... Pussy is American, isn't it? We've like, we've gradually. Pussy is American, isn't it? Yeah. And they've still got, like we use it on the pod because it's like absurd that we use it.

Like the only time a Brit can say the word pussy is like Jordan sex because it has to be then. And not everyone can pull it off. No. Really? Pussy? Oh yeah. Pussy would be like, pussy's table stakes. Because it has to be then. And not everyone can pull it off. I don't think you're not using it. Really? Pussy? Oh, yeah. Pussy would be like pussy's table stakes in America.

That's where you start. Like it's a medical thing. There's something wrong with my pussy. It looks like your pussy has vaginismus. Yeah. You guys know what vaginismus is? It's a spell, isn't it? Like dirty pussy.

Harry Potter after dark. Look that up. But unfortunately, you're going to have to clear your browser history after. Oh, we have to. It's not the worst thing to check today. It's not like just audible.

What do you say in sex? If you can't pull off pussy, what if you can't pull off pussy? Is there another word? Clout. Minky moo. There's no coming on minky. No,

I can't even say that. Just makes me think of boobs. I'd say clout me. Clout on that? And the boobies. Wow. I'm trying to bring Biff back, but... What's Biff?

Biff is another way of a vagina. Biff? Yeah, Biff. That's the Welsh. Really? That's a lovely town in Wales, Biff. I would love to come in that Biff. Biff is another way of a vagina. Biff? Yeah. Biff. B-I-F-F. That's the Welsh. Really? That's a lovely town in Wales, Biff. I would love to come in that Biff. Yeah.

Honestly. You can say that. What did we tell Gabby? Oh, yeah. You know Gabby Bryan? Yeah. So when Gabby was on the show, we taught her,

like we're sort of doing with you now, we taught her Britishisms, but especially Scouse isms yeah yeah uh and we told her that uh what a man would say when he's going down on a woman is i want to moggy your cunt and a woman would say to a man moggy me cunt right and we made it up on the spot because it's rhythmically this moggy me cunt is the same as maddie mccann who's a famous child who went missing oh she's famous because she went missing she wasn't famous when she went just to be clear

you guys know the actress maddie mccann who subsequently went missing after landing her first major role and uh i forgot to tell gabby after the record that we'd made it up i seen gabby in nashville three weeks ago and one of her friends was asking me for some scousisms and i was teaching her and then gabby was like oh i've been telling everyone about moggy me cunt and i lost my mind laughing at her and i was like we made that up and she was like no you fucking didn't and i was like, we made that up. And she was like, no, you fucking didn't. And I was like, no, I swear to God. She was like, I've told hundreds of people.

How could she have told hundreds of people? Hi, it's been a while. Yeah, I'm doing really well. Do you know what oral sex in Liverpool is? It's moggy my cunt. Mom, mom, put everything down. Get dad. It's the word cunt

in your country heavy? Yeah. We say that every third of the time. But when you say cunt... Sorry, that sounded racial. I think only to Scandinavians. So we say o. You say a.

Cunt is how we say it, and it's all wrong. Cunt's like when someone really... You want to really... How would you say twat? Twat. Twat is penis, right? No. A twat is a cunt.

Oh, really? I thought a twat was a penis. But you wouldn't say that in sex. No. A twat is a cunt is a bit... Like Harry Twatter? We would say twat. Twat. I love theatter we would say twat twat i love the way north americans say twat yeah but if someone called you a cunt would you be like oh shit they hate me

no if someone called me a cunt i'd think oh shit they're british right you you wouldn't call him fuck this guy's british no i think if someone called you a cunt over here you'd go I've been called it three times and I forgot them all you're out in the street you're parking up and someone goes

you're a cunt you're like hey it's just us it's just how we talk no it does have a bit of venom it's very weighted in the States though like oh my god

what a bad word over here it's thrown around if you called a woman a cunt like say you were fighting with your girlfriend if you guys were fighting with your let me just thrown around. If you called a woman a cunt, like say you were fighting with your girlfriend. If you guys were fighting with your girlfriend.

Let me just stop you there. If I called my wife a cunt, I'd be sleeping on that couch for a while. Okay, okay, okay. It's not, it's not like, these are scousers.

It's like, they're like, yeah, what's happening, you cunt? And that's, you know, it's your nana's birthday. Yeah.

You old bitch. Like, it might be a little different. Most places, you can't be like, listen, you cunt, finish the washing up. It's not going to go down well. Even if I saw my girlfriend and I was like, and she's British, and I was like,

what's happening, you cunt? She'd kill me. No, but that's fine. You could do that to Laura. You could walk in and say that, and she wouldn't be upset. With that tone of voice. What?

What are we talking about which wife you could though she wouldn't go oh no she'd go you should film yourself walking into your house today and go what's happening you cunt you can blame us instantly she'll know

listen she knows who I work with. We've been together 10 years. I've never walked by her. All right, you cunt. I've got two kids as well, Luke. All right, you little cunt. I've had a good cunting day. Off to the garden office I go.

How are all three of my favorite cunts tonight? My little cunt. She's a clear bastard as well, isn't she? To be honest. Yeah. Listen, I don't think it's as you know I know

what you mean like if you go to parts of Glasgow it's nothing it's just another syllable alright cat that's how Tom Screen

answers the phone every time I call him alright cat yeah I'm Thomas aren't I you guys could get away with anything for me like you could

if you said it in a friendly enough tone I would believe anything you guys could call me the n- me. Like you could, if you said it in a friendly enough tone, I would believe anything. You guys could call me the N word. I'd be like, ah, I guess they're doing that now. Oh, I can call Laura that. Oh, that's fine.

Laura's fine with that. How are my favorite little... Do you think British people are lovely? Like in the States? Is that really a stereotype? Why did you get your ideas? We can say anything. We went from the N-word banter. I moved on.

Just ignore that N-word banter. Do you think British people are lovely? They're from sausages. I think, yeah, I think you guys are lovely. No, you know what I feel like when I walked around? So I walked around Liverpool a little bit. I've only been here a couple of, great city. It's, you know what I felt like is like,

I was ready to like sweep a chimney. Right? Yeah. It's like a chimney sweep kind of vibe. Where are you staying? Where are you staying? Just the brick. You didn't see the big brick chimneys.

You guys have chimneys. In the Victorian core. Yeah. We see all that that often. It's just normal. To me, that's like, we got to sweep these things. Who's sweeping these? Do you know what?

It makes sense. Yeah. I've got a chimney. Why have we never had a chimney sweep? I think it needs a sweep. I think it's too on the nose for you guys to do it. Yeah, regularly. I've got a log burner. Yeah, you need a sweep. I think it's too on the nose for you guys to do it. Yeah, regularly. I've got a log burner.

Yeah, you need a sweep. You got to take the piss out of it and be like, oh my God, have you time traveled? But actually, this is a good shout. I've got a chimney and it needs sweeping. Lewis, what are you doing later? This is exactly what I pictured this podcast would be, is I'm like, someone should sweep your chimney.

And you guys are like, you're right. In New York then, so you've got no chimneys. No chimneys. How does are like you're right um in uh new york then so you got no chimneys no uh what does how does santa get into your house sorry you'll have to try me one more time with that question how does father christmas yeah yeah oh how does santa get in because he comes down the chimney we don't have him we have a gremlin with money in his hands and he climbs Oh, so you don't get it. It says there. I haven't got the paper. How does Santa get into any... We have a gremlin with money in his hands and he climbs down the wall.

A Gringotts banker. He digs his nose into the side of the wall and then he uses it to belay himself down. Okay, how does Santa get into the houses of people on the good list? I think... Wow, Jews are on the bad list. They don't get any presents. I mean, we're certainly not like definitely on the good list? I think... Wow, Jews are on the bad list. Okay, don't get any presents.

I mean, we're certainly not like definitely on the good list. Certainly not as of late. I mean, I don't know. You guys are so not wanting to take this back. I didn't know that. That's interesting, you cunts. Tastes like...

That's poo, isn't it? You guys remember from before? We don't have to talk about it. Do you gig down south as a New Yorker? Because it was Adam's idea to go to Nashville. We fucking loved it. And we even went out into the sticks. We drove out to Eaglesville, Tennessee and whatnot.

Eagleville. Eagleville. Oh, it's different. No, there was no S. Only one eagle there, mate. Oh, sorry. It was like a population of like 50. It was such a small town.

Do you like gigging, because Bill Burr did the Red State tour, didn't he? Oh, dude, I love that, because I say a lot of things. I would say if you watched me on stage, it would be sort of hard to know my political affiliations. But I think that's what comics should be like. That's my view.

I'm very liberal, but I would prefer that you sort of not be able to a hundred percent tell. Sometimes I feel like I have to say it to save, you know, a thing that's going in a certain direction, but I prefer when I go to like, uh, okay. So I had this gig in, uh, Ur urbana illinois which is actually a college town it's a pretty blue town but it is it's a it's red surrounding it and my favorite show is when the liberals come up to me and they're like thank you for saying that and then and then the republicans come up to me and they're like we know what you really meant by that and i'm like that like if you're confused and both of you like me because you just thought I was fucking with the other side, that to me is a win. And the comedy's winning, isn't it?

Yeah. Instead of a statement. I always think a comedian's real job is to stand in the middle. And I don't mean directly in the middle, but in the middle of both sides of an argument and point out the bollocks on both sides of it. 100%. So it doesn't matter which one I actually side with. I'm able to go, even on the side I agree with, is all the fucking bullshit that they're perpetuating.

If you can't make fun of, if you decide as a comedian that one half of a, like a ideology is unfunny, you've already lost. Because that's, definitionally being a comedian is that anything can be funny.

Have you ever gigged in front of 250 lesbians? You have got the paper! Have you ever gigged in front of 250? Is this like research you guys did on me? Nah, we guessed. You've just got that look. I do kind of look like a cool lesbian. You look like Andy Murray, if he was a lesbian. Yeah, Andy Murray's the tennis player? Yeah. I do feel like a like a cool you look like andy murray if he was a lesbian yeah

andy murray's the tennis player yeah yeah yeah i do feel like a lesbian andy murray thank you for pointing that out no one says that to me anymore but i appreciate that every time i hear it uh yeah i got my start opening for ashley gavin who's a lesbian comedian oh she followed me recently oh yeah you should have her on she's great she's doing fringe i think yeah um but uh she's awesome. She got me my start. But there, you know, you guys probably know these days it's like you become famous to like a small chunk of, well, for you guys, probably a big chunk.

You guys are probably like, you probably can't go outside here in Liverpool, right? No, we can. Yeah. I had to go and get some meat before. Well done. But you guys are like Raymond in Liverpool. Like everyone. No,

it's not that like, there's a lot of like, uh, if we go on a night out, we'll get stopped quite a bit for photographs and stuff. But people are generally speaking, really just sound and respectful. People will just be like,

like you'll walk past them on the street. Like you're like, love the pod. That's it. Right. And that's all you like as a general thing. street. They'll be like, you're all right, lads. Love the pod. That's it. Right. And just keep it moving. As a general thing. Yeah.

And then if you're on a night out when people are a bit drunk and they lose their sorts of social skills, then people will want to put their arm around you and tell you, you know, every detail of their favorite episode. Right, right, right. But it's part of the job.

We've got the balance right. Like not everyone knows us, but the people who really like us love us. Yeah. It's so much better than being- Do you like them? It's so much better than being like them it's it's so much better than being known by everyone and not having anyone give a fuck about you yeah like you'd much

rather have the balance of that and i like a lot it's a it's a nice broad spectrum really and they just mainly will like comedy yeah that's the priority with everything see sometimes i meet the people that come out to see me and i'm like do i suck who are you pulling lewis who are you pulling obviously a few you know what it is for me so my first tour it was a hundred percent women between 22 and 24 years old class 100 percent loads of boobies so many boobies and even more cunts biffs it was just a room full of biffs more yeah it was uh everyone had one boob and two cunts it was a reverse

i'm not gonna argue safe for that woman man she doesn't exist but you know what it is is it's i think it's because i'm like liberal and and uh i had a lot of videos that would be like me walking the line i'm like talking i only post crowd work online but that's not you know my act is mostly not crowd work but you guys know how that goes and uh but a lot of crowd work videos of me like talking to a trans person and just like playing off the expectations of what I might say if I were going to be offensive and not being offensive. And in America, it's so polarized that you go into that algorithm of people that love that. And then that's who you bring out. And now it's sort of now I'm going on my third tour and it's sort of like just a very mixed crowd of like. But it used to be people that would just come and chat

and then try to like hook up after the show. And that would be why they came. I also imagine, and we'll talk about that properly in a sec because that must've been awful. A friend of ours is a really great standup and he's on like his seventh or eighth tour now, Paul Smith. But all of his stuff started from crowd work clips because he was the compere of the local comedy club, Hot Water.

So he was on stage six nights a week, just in every section getting two or three clips. You're talking like nine a day at times, and they'd just constantly churn them out to subtitles. He's now, I think he's just sold 750,000 tickets on his latest tour. It's just an absurd. It's got to be one or two.

It's Gervais, Jimmy Carr, Paul Smith in this country. It's absolutely absurd. But he does get people going to his shows who just want to be in the next video. They want to be the heckler. They want to be the guy. So people want us at the front to be picked on yeah do you have that yeah yeah and i the thing i tell them is i'm like it's not gonna the second you know what i mean if they're trying to be funny because

usually those people are trying to be funny so you ask them a question you're like what do you do and they're like what do i do and they don't actually say anything funny they usually just say something normal with a funny voice or intonation or as a question. And I'm like, I need you to not be funny so I can be funny, you know? So I just say that. I'm like, if you try to be funny and I try to be funny, we both look insane.

If I can make fun of you about either what you're saying or the way you're saying it, then we can make this fun. Do you do a bit at the start where it is crowd work just to sort of give them that? Or do you do a bit of the start where it is crowd work just to sort of give them that or do you just do your show the opposite i get on and i don't do any crowd work between before like 30 minutes in because i want them to know like i want to be killing off material because then the crowd work will really kill but i want them to because when i started touring i think people were nervous they liked me but they didn't know you know I've only been a stand-up for five years

and I've only been touring for three which is crazy it's a fast transit so my first time touring I had a fan base but I didn't know what to do and I didn't have the confidence and I would get on I would feel like I was nervous they were nervous for me and I realized like if I can just once I really like started to get the hour down I was like if I can just get on and kill then it's like all the nervousness is out of the room and the show's already good and then I can start doing the crowd work and start like really yeah yeah yeah what Paul does is he opens for his opener so he goes on and does 20 minutes of crowd work gives them what they've sort of bought into and then goes after the interval i'm gonna do no more crowd work i'm gonna do the show and here's your support act support act does 20 the first half is then 40

minutes interval and then paul goes on and does between an hour and like an hour and 20 in the second half it's all just stuff and it's like it gives them what they want straight away he's like you've had that now happy okay i'm gonna do what i actually want to do in the second half. It's all just stuff. And it's like, it gives them what they want straight away. And he's like, right, you've had that now. Happy. Okay, I'm going to do what I actually want to do in the second half. That's a great way to do it. I've thought about different ways of doing it, but I think my insecurity is like,

there's nothing less funny than crowd work that's just not working. And it can't always work. Like sometimes you just don't find something. So I'd rather do that with the confidence of knowing i've already established myself is funny and i think that puts just for my own i think so much of it is like what gets you loose on stage you know what i mean because for a while i was just really tight on stage like i would be nervous about like oh the fuck these

people are here to see me i'm the show if it's not good it's you know so now it's just like i just know i'll be loose if i've killed with you you know, if I've done my best 20 up top, I just will feel really loose. Class. And you're doing London. Oh yeah. I'm doing the, I'm doing Leicester square theater in London.

Such a great room. Yeah. I'm excited for that. It's just every sightline is perfect. It's one level. And it, it feels just like the best comedy club. It's like a perfect,

like low ceilings. It's like a square. Like I've never been in them. Cause the only clubs i've done are new york like i've never been to the other places in the states but i imagine it's what like a really good improv's like like it's just a low ceiling and they're all just in front of you in like a rectangle you've only done what like the cellar in new york cellar stand stand up new york and the New York Comedy Club. Okay, cool. Yeah, New York has one of the best rooms, New York Comedy Club.

Yeah. Sellers are great. So when you first toured, you were single, and a lot of girls were just coming. Yeah. I mean, I'm sure there's been parallels made between that and what Matt Rife has had in terms of him blowing up, and it feels like he garnered a huge audience yeah not

that he isn't good he's great and his clips were good but because they're like he's beautiful yeah is he great i'll be honest mate i thought you could have been his bezo i was just trying to be dibble i know i saw i just saw a little like flicker of sincerity leave your eyes as you said it was great i was like i can read your face you're gonna be back in here we'd have him on in a heartbeat you know he's been there 10 minutes and he was just like he's ordered the answer and he's like you look full of shit, baby. There was a little blankness that came over the eyes. You looked at my forehead when you said he was great.

I thought you were going to go, Matthew? How dare you insult daddy? Were you about to say you didn't really know how to handle that or you didn't fuck around or what? Yeah, I just didn't know. I mean, at the time, think like my goal is to make there's something that people like about my crowd work and i like doing crowd work and then there's like material you want to make you want to make it all sound like it's crowd work kills because it feels in the moment if you can make your material kill like crowd work kills that's kind of the goal. I don't like Matt Rife at all, but it was a similar

audience. By the way, he is actually a really nice guy, but he stinks, bro. He stinks. I'll say it. Whatever. Whatever. Anyone, I mean, you can leave it in. If he's watching this, it's your call.

Why are you guys all getting silent now? No, no, we're just letting you talk. Remember cunts and poo bears? Just doing callbacks when I get nervous. Albie O's is shite. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Awful. You know what I didn't like, though?

Okay, so I did crowd work. People came for crowd work. I was insecure that the material wasn't good. He clearly had the same insecurity on a much higher level. He gets a lot of shit because he blew up. I don't think he should get shit for being successful. The one thing that made me think he stunk that I thought was really lame is in the last special when he's like, but I guess I only forget the black voice. But that's, you know, awful, too.

But sorry, black voice is wonderful if you're black. But one of my favorite voices, by the way, looking directly at the camera. I love black voice if you're black but uh one of my favorite voices by the way looking directly at the camera i love black voice if you're black so but what he the saying but i guess i only do crowd work to me as i'm like it's so lame to be like i know how to do material and then to say that so on the nose like i get the insecurity i had the same thing but then i was like why don't i just work at my material so hard that it speaks for itself it's not quite there yet it makes it corny like yeah like you can't as a comic be that sincere about yourself in a positive way so lame like comics you're not allowed to do that on stage like if you're in a conversation with like an interviewer and they're

like what you actually think about this and you're having're having to do stand up and then be like, and aren't I just the best? It's just like, it's so such an absurd thing to dropping the mic intentionally is crazy. Accidentally dropping the mic during a standup set is pretty funny. Like literally just losing control of it. But like saying something embarrassing about yourself at the end and then doing that you know and then i found out it was herpes that's fine but i guess i just come prematurely every time but uh yeah that's why i like pick the mic up and you've still

got 15 minutes to go yeah fumbling around for it on the ground but trying to make eye contact with the audience while you do i uh but you know what i just won't put out a special until i think the material is really it's probably at least two more years until i think like now i think it's like decent i feel like you can feel it and anyone that can't feel it is like they're there's like the right level of delusion but if you want to be good you need you can't have all the delusion so my stance where i'm at is i'm like it's a solid hour it's doing well for the people that really like me it's doing really well but until it kills everywhere i'm not going to put out a special and are you going to keep doing that hour and tweaking it or are you going to i'm trying to figure that out i because i have this chunk

that i keep sharpening it i know i've i have a chunk that i fucking love that's like my favorite it's about my sister who's retarded and i just to be i say retarded not to be offensive i say to be clear because if i say if i say special needs you guys are going to be like does she have adhd so i say retarded and then some people get mad but nobody's confused so but i have this chunk about her and I, and I say the word and I, I love doing that chunk, but I've been on tour with it for like, I've been working on it like two and a half years. So I don't know. I can't really bring it back to the same market. Like three, even though it's changing. Yeah. I know what you mean. I don't know about doing the same material. And then it's like, do I write a new 10 about her? But then I'm the retarded sister guy every year. Like every year, it's like, ah, what's he going

to say this year about his sister? So I don don't know but i'm trying to figure that out right now i don't go back fully on tour till the fall so that's some time like when you love something that much and it's hard to just like kill it yeah it's hard to kill it can i i need to I need to ask Lewis. Even if that's what she needs. And by she, I mean the material. Can I ask about the word retarded? Yeah, please. Just because I feel like it was,

it was pretty much benched by everyone, but I've never wanted to bench it completely. In the States where we are, because I listened to your mom's house and they are hard hard are wording like and they always have yeah but is there a whole is that going to get your criticism or is it just it will i mean it's it's starting to definitely come back in a way that like a lot of comedians are saying it it's to the point where like it used to be almost a

punch line to say because everyone was like oh but now if you go to like austin or a scene like that everyone's saying it and it's like okay you're not going to get a laugh unless you write something you're saying something with it the reason why i'm not against it given that i'm like actually close to that community is i'm like the biggest issue facing them is not the word. It's that they are disabled. Like, that's the problem. You know what I mean? It's not like a slur for any other group where they're like completely,

the only thing keeping them back is oppression. The thing keeping retarded people back is being retarded. I mean, that is, you guys got to start laughing. Otherwise, I look fucking insane right now. What's interesting about it is, you guys got to start laughing. Otherwise, I look fucking insane right now. What's interesting about it is, you know so many people who are involved in that community or are in that community or are close to that community who have the exact same point of view on it as you do,

where they're like, exactly what you've just said, and it's fine, and it's my sister, and I'll say what I want. But then there's other people close to that community who are like, it really hurts them. And both of those groups of people are always going to exist. And you are risking that there's going to be someone in your show or whatever,

especially if you're not, like I imagine when you use that word on stage, at least just before it or within the next few minutes, you will contextualize it by adding to the fact that you've used it, I'm close to to that community i think when a comic just uses it and they've got no experience of it i think that's when people get upset by it because they're like hang on you've got no right to use that word because you don't know what it's like to have someone in your life who has that struggle yeah and shane gillis does like it's and then people will say like oh you think

you have the past like why do you think you can speak for your sister and i'm like well first of all i i am her legal guardian and also i do have to speak for her because she can't really she doesn't have like a sophisticated point of view on it herself and also like i'm not for it i'm just not against it because i don't i think the biggest issue facing people with special needs is someone like close to that community is like long-term living care and opportunities to work. Right. Like the, I mean that those are the biggest issues and then words are third to that. So it's not exactly like every other slur. So when people say it is, I don't think that's true because the biggest issue facing other

marginalized groups is just that people are putting them down in that way. But, yeah, I know it upsets people. Generally on stage, I don't like to upset people for the sake of upsetting people. But I think in this particular instance, I feel I have perspective and experience that makes me feel like. And also I have like, I feel like for her to understand that that word is against her, I'd have to teach her that word and then teach her she should be offended you know what i mean so that's like pretty crazy thing to have to do so i don't know when hermione gets really upset that she gets called a mudblood but like two weeks before she would have never heard that way before yeah there you go don't teach don't teach minorities slurs. That's the mistake.

If we never let them know what they are, we can all use them. Dip behind the back. That's the point we were making. Yes. Keep them out. That's the mistake. Really good shout.

Not don't say the R word. Just say corner. You know what I mean? We need a break. Final section. How many of how many? I've lost count. Oh, come on. Four and four, lad.

We've got a jingle, but I don't like it, Carl. We need to... Which one is it, baby? We need to change the... Play it. I don't like it. Play it. They're about to play a bit of music.

We don't get to hear it. Yeah. They won't let me wear headphones, and there's not one long enough for the guests. This is the definitive for Room 102. Oh, yeah. 102. Shite.

Would you like to banish anything, Lewis, into the... Lucas. Lewis. Lucas. Lucas. Whatever. People who get your name wrong.

Yeah, just pieces of shit who don't respect you really bother me i feel like such a biff what we got okay let's start with i think this one probably is not that controversial but one uh i would like to banish the elderly oh i've already put them in yeah they're already in there are they in there you put them i put them in okay i hate the elderly okay first of all if i want to hang out with someone racist at least someone uh it would be great if i could someone i'll make it funny yeah so well old people are they can be funny but i would like to someone that could walk around without having to sit down.

It's weird to be hateful and fragile. If you're going to be hateful, you should at least be tough. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. It's weird to be like, I don't like immigrants and then also sprain your ankle from walking down the stairs. Like, you know what I mean? If you're better than immigrants prove it to me but you're

you're you're on dialysis complaining about immigrants you should have to be better than them at everything yes you should at least be able to beat them in a race which means yeah that's a good thing it should be a one-in-one-out system the weakest we've got race the new immigrants if you win you get to stay the immigrant doesn't if not swap so that's what people say i don't want any weak vulnerable immigrants Weakest we've got, race the new immigrants. If you win, you get to stay. The immigrant doesn't. If not, swap. That's what people say. We just don't want any weak, vulnerable immigrants. Is that what you're saying, Kyle?

I am saying that, yeah. Just run it. Just run it. Just run it. Not fighting, running, cooking, ironing. Not swimming. No, Easton, you're the paying ones. They can swim.

All countries become like an olympics yes and you just have to be good enough to stay here you've got to compete and if you don't you don't you win your passport every year yeah we don't be out by the way no we wouldn't well what do you think you're in the top half of fitness in the uk? Top half? Yeah. Probably. But 35 million? Or 70 million? Yeah, yeah. But what if you, what if your borders

were open to everybody and then you had to do an athleticism test? That's what you're talking about. Yeah, if it's like running and the... Well, you know, it's not just athleticism.

We can do other... Yeah. It'll be better in every way. You can just do some really fucked up... I don't hear you going, by the way. No, they're going to beat me

at everything if I win at one a stick. I mean... I can't do a Sudoku if it's don't know where you're going, by the way. No, they're going to beat me at everything if I win at one, I stick. I'm in. I can't do a Sudoku if it's about that. Some Romanian's going to absolutely blast me and then I have to go to fucking Bucharest. Is that how it works? Yeah, you swap with them, yeah.

Oh, right. Okay, cool. Cheap beer. I would be so into that. If an immigrant came and was like, right, it's a one-on-one against Jeff, who's a big fat cunt, and everyone hates,

that'd be great. If you had to compete against a random person from another country, you got to pick the one thing it is, right? Someone's trying to take your spot in New York and they come to you and they're like, Lewis, and you're like, my name's Lucas, right? And then they're like, right, sorry, Lucas, right.

We've got this fella coming in. I'm not going to tell you his name because it's ethnically ambiguous, right? So what we're asking you, sorry, Lucas. Right. We've got this fella coming in. I'm not going to tell you his name because it's ethnically ambiguous, right? So what we're asking you, Lucas, is you've got to compete against them in one thing. But if you win, you get to stay. If you lose, you're going to John's country. Ethnically ambiguous country.

Some country that is just as good. No, it's not. It's a shithole. That's why John's trying to get in what are you what are you picking hang on do you know the nationality before no no they revealed this guy from new gig it was immigrant reveal yourself and then the lift comes up yeah yeah yeah yeah let the emus and the crowd goes wild the immigrant comes up on a lift like fucking john cena and the crowd goes fucking nuts it immigrant comes up on a lift like fucking John Cena.

And the crowd goes fucking nuts. Is it a good question or what are you challenging? Skiing. Are you a good skier? I'm a good skier. I was a competitive skier. And if you play the odds, chances are Viraj from Mumbai, is he that good?

I was going to say, I'm only fucked if people are trying to leave Norway and Sweden and I just don't see them leaving. They fucking love it over there. The screen goes up and he's like, bring it on, motherfucker. Oh, no, that was Viraj. That was Viraj. Bring it on, motherfucker.

My Norwegian went really Mumbai. Yeah, that was something. A Welshman who wakes in a curry house, isn't it? Is that where the best skiers are from? Like Norway and Sweden? Switzerland and France? um is that where the best skiers are from like norway and sweden is that switzerland and america canada switzerland austria italians have got some good ones italians yeah basically it's just a white jamaicans when they try it i imagine they'll be good skiing so if they try it i believe they're great. Skiing's gone, by the way. Right.

Cocaine consumption? Right. Oh, he's Bolivian. We're in South America. You've got some wanting to leave. But at least we die trying. You end up living in Guatemala because you couldn't do as many lines as the immigrant. That's not the worst, though, is it?

He's from Bolivia you lose now you're going to Bolivia are you winning a sniff off against like a Peruvian sniff off come on Pablo let's fucking do it

the thing is I know you're taking me police in the country let's swap numbers stay in touch you're a Sam you got any numbers it's so bad that

the sniff off is the thing that everyone thought of for me straight away I'd be I think I may may not go sport It's so bad that the sniff off is the thing that everyone thought of for me straight away. I'd be, I think I may not go sport because I'm pretty shit at it. Kissing women? Oh yeah, kissing women.

Both of you have to fuck your wife. And she picks you best. There'd be a chance that I'd lose that as well. I'm telling you right now, that might end up a nil-nil. You and your immigrant companion living in Ghana together. Me going back with Viraj,

you just can't please her. Viraj, can I ask you a question? Are you Norwegian? Yes. Yes yes I am yes we live in Norway together what am I going with I'm going with darts you're going darts

yeah I think that's what we went for do you remember I've done something similar to this I saw you shooting darts before that was cool I've got quite good at darts and it's not

massively worldwide is it so I think you can't have darts because I think you went there last time when we had a similar question. It wasn't the same question because I went FIFA and that would be my first choice again but what I would probably say is trivia about Liverpool's

title winning season John and Covid. Then you would be fucked with a Norwegian. If you get a Norwegian then you'd be absolutely screwed. I'm a season ticket holder. I'm a seasoned tikkertolder. I'm the Indians. Once again, that's my Norwegian.

Viking blood. It's hard, isn't it? Can I choose stand-up comedy and we put a decibel measurer in the comedy club and whoever gets the highest decibels? Yeah, you're doing it in their country, though. No, I'm not. They're trying to get in here.

Doing a hot water on a Wednesday. It's Don Ward with immigration. You think you're going, who are you replacing? Anyone who hasn't got a guitar. What are you doing, Finn? Don't say singing. A decibel almost out of booze. Boo!

So we can't do the consumption thing. I reckon I could outsmoke a few people, but we can't do that. Would you back yourself from anywhere on the planet? Yeah. To outsmoke someone? Are you that much of a potsman yeah no i could just handle it i would i would be how'd you lose you like you if you like dan if he doesn't smoke so when he smokes he just has to go to bed immediately me too whereas i just i'm just to be

honest you another good way to think about it is if you lose, where are you going? Because the people that can outsmoke you live in Jamaica. That wouldn't be that bad. You live in the Caribbean. So now we're talking. Any bulbs going in places? Yeah. Most people in Amsterdam don't even pot, you know. Like they ate the pot thing.

Yeah, it's like an annoying tourist. Yeah. I'm locking my answering. Can I get an age age we did this when when the elderly got managed 24 can i get an age that you think the elderly starts out so if you're banishing the elderly yeah yeah because i'm 43 and i i think i didn't make the cut last time oh no no no no i'm talking about real old 17 or i'm going 75 oh yeah what's the what's the lifespan in amer America compared to,

is it lower in the States than the UK? Probably, knowing us. I mean, the lifespan's like high school. That's when we, you know, lose most. 76. Yeah. I thought it was 79. 76.

76. In the UK, it's 80. Yeah. You guys are dusting us. Get an actual World Cup. 76. In the UK is 80. Yeah, you guys are dusting us. Get an actual World Cup.

What a fucking great way to think about it. Ah, you fucking mugs. Right, as it's done before, he's argued it well. Can we give him? Yeah, yeah. We're giving him the other one. It's him. They're now in there twice.

They're now in there twice. Just to reinstate, that is a a popular one did you have any others i do i do um all right here's one uh sweaters for dogs i'm banishing those for a very simple reason i don't like to think about the fact that many people in the world are starving but when i see a dog wearing clothing you gotta go, people are dying in Africa, 100%. Yeah. Where's the connection here? The connection is,

if we have enough money to put sweaters on dogs when people are starving, dogs shouldn't be wearing sweaters. Can I join up with you and put dogs with jobs in? Yes. You mean like performer dogs or other? No, we're talking about like GPs, receptionists, and old dogs. Dogs with jobs in? Yes. You mean like performer dogs or other? No, we're talking about like GPs, receptionists,

and all dogs. No, when someone's the side. My gastroenterologist is a dog, and I really think that shouldn't be allowed. I definitely have cancer and no one's helping. No, when you go to the airport and there's like three dogs in work, there's people who haven't got jobs. Yeah, 100%.

You want to take this? You can't just train a human to sniff the fucking Charlie out of Dan's pockets on his way to fucking Monaco with his uncle. Right, no, I think it's just because it looks weird. I don't think it's because they can't do it. I can smell a lovely roast in someone's house. No, no, it is they can't do it. I can smell a lovely roast in someone's house. No, no, it is

they can't do it. You can't get Dave, get Dave in on a lead. Go on. Find the coke, Dave. Why put him on a lead? Why? Just walk him over and go.

No, I know you sound a lot. Just Joe Biden-ing everyone in the airport. Yeah, Dave's got the scent. Dave's got the scent. I put it to you. Any dog a job, any job a dog can do, a human can do. Get me the list of any dog jobs.

Guide dog. Yeah, guide person. Just walk in front of them. True. Better. Where did you want to go? Better. Better.

That is better. That is better. Pay them as well. Why can't people have that job, actually? That's a really good question. Exactly. Police dogs just get a big fella. I think the reason, especially in 2024, actually that's a really good question exactly please dogs just get a big fella i think just i

think the reason especially in 2024 with social media and stuff i think the reason you can't have people being guide dogs is a lot of the downtime with blind people would be quite boring and you just end up on your phone and then you can't even show your mate hey have you seen this because obviously they haven't by the way all, all of these things, admin dog. Admin dog. What do you think? Therapy dog. What do you think?

Military hunting shepherd. Yep. Guide dogs. Truffle hunters. I don't know about that one. Oh my God. Lesbians. Police dogs.

Give these jobs to people who haven't got them. Yeah. Stop doing dogs jobs. Fuck complaining about immigrants doing jobs. What about dogs doing jobs? Can we give all the jobs to humans first? Thank you. And then if we have homeless people, let those humans be dogs.

Seizure prevention dogs. Okay, sorry. That was too much out of me. Stop giving dogs jobs. They don't want them. They want to play with balls. They do want them. They don't want them they want to play with balls they do want them they don't some dogs want a purpose call they don't know where purpose is no but they know what the feeling is sheep dogs particularly yeah if dogs have jobs humans can be pets that's my rule

i've thrown that in and you can throw dogs with jumpers on top i disagree i think dogs look dead cute in clothes and i'll spend my money on what I want. Yeah, and I don't want to deal with sniffer daves at the airport. Oh, fuck. Am I losing this one? Yeah. You and Carl have both had it rejected. And I've got jumpers for my dog.

Fuck. Sorry. So there you go. They stay out. All right, let's make it best of three. Lucas. All right. I'm between two. One is a a group of people and one is a behavior

i think let's just given what we've just done in the last bit let's go with behavior yeah all right i don't like it when people drive slow in our left lane so for you that would be the right lane yeah just shoot them just to tap just a tap-in. Yeah. I mean, that's an easy one. Put that one in and do the other one. The speed limit is actually a bare minimum. Yeah. But forget the speed limit.

It's the passing lane. So you're passing or you're on the fucking other one. Yeah. We've said this. This is well-trodden on this podcast. Straight in. Okay. I don't like dyslexic people.

Bonus. Just read it. Just read it. They organize the letters for you. Why are we jumbling them again? I don't understand dyslexia. You haven't got it. I know.

But I don't understand it. I'm dyslexic for dyslexic people. They confuse me. So I get the feeling, but I don't like that they do it. I'm sure it's really difficult, but I don't get it. There's calculus, the thing as well.

You do the same thing with numbers. Yeah. I think it's just your brain, isn't it? We can't help it. Julian Dean's got a great joke about that.

Go on. He says, I shouldn't do a comic joke on the podcast. He's probably still doing it in his act. Well, if it's Julian Dean, it's fire.

Go and watch him. It's a tricky one, watch him it's tricky one isn't it because uh i like i am a moron with spelling and i'd love to pin it on dyslexia i'd love to be like it's because i'm dyslexic it's not because i'm a bit thick and i can't remember how to spell stuff so like it must be torture if you genuinely look down at a page and it's all over the shop but how many just thickos are hiding in the in the group hiding in the shadows yeah yeah the dyslexia moniker similar to that people that use the wrong two there and your and stuff that

yeah yeah just i just don't care enough like i love i actually like it when people do that because then i get to be like, don't you mean this? I love getting to be like, yeah. I used the wrong one. Especially when people are being a gobshite on the internet and commenting. It's a free win, isn't it? Don't you mean there?

They're going to make the best points in the world. If you've lost, then I've won. And they know, that's all they got. I'm dyslexic. Don't know what they got. Dyslexic. Don't you mean they should start bombing Palestine? Although,

I say this about the dyslexics. I think they get some pretty cool pink tinted glasses. What? You think they do or they do?

Who gets pink tinted glasses? Is that a UK thing? I think it's a UK thing. They use the yellow paper. Dyslexia. Anastasia has got dys... I think, i think it's a uk thing they use the yellow dyslexia anastasia has got this i think i think that's one i felt it then i think that's one of the things they they go listen i

know it's bad and looking at screens is hard work and all the numbers are jumbled but why don't you just look through rose tinted glasses literally and they send them rose tinted glasses so then they're dyslexic but people are concentrating on the fact they look like paedophiles oh yeah they look like a lad we know

who wears Oakley sunglasses don't they get yellow pieces of paper as well over the top right because that helps because apparently it's black and white

that fucks it it's like a lawyer's pad they write in yellow a lot of books are like yellowed pages now I wonder if that and that's why the yellow pages is yellow pages as well

it's so popular with dyslexic people as well it's all you read they still use that now it's the only thing they can read what's this where will i get my model railway from that's what you're going for i think that's autistic people i used to go for the other page yeah you're getting your people confused that's the autism page yeah wait what do the glasses do? Other than make them look like pedophiles. I don't know, but... That would be a bad defense in court.

I'm not a pedophile, I'm just dyslexic. I thought she was 41. I thought I was fucking cads. Just accidentally done Julian Dean's joke. Oh, really? Yeah. Ow! So his joke is, I'm dyslexic

so I'll get like dogs and God mixed up and like my uncle he's dyslexic but with numbers he gets like 12 and 21 mixed up

I'm dyslexic he's a pedophile ah nice sorry Julian I didn't do it on purpose Julian it's my joke now yeah well I don't know if it helped

with the dyslexia but it made a a loss you had a drink? yeah I used to go to the other pages with them finding things to send to people meat was popular

bouncy castles bouncy castles and meat yeah or to a pedophile's eye no we used to go to the yellow pages find something that you could order to your house

and then just order order to a random address like a wholesale meat bouncy castle skips and then just go pay on delivery they've done it to me and i'll be honest the bouncy castle is not that unwanted when it turns up you're like and then it's the best the meat not so much no much. No, like a lot of meat. Oh, I'm sorry, like a thousand pounds. I can't put in the dyslexics. We've got a lot of, you know, I'm going to be that guy and be like, hey, they're out here.

Put them in room 103, they won't know. They're out here. Nice. Let them hang. Nice. We've got some from listeners. Morgan Lee says, room 102, small toilet cubicles. Public toilets that when you sit down your knees are

touching the door or arms or a touch i need space to poo me if i'm got like it like disabled toilets are should be the standard something to hold on to just like space by the way carnival i've been on the carnival dive for a couple of weeks. It's cured me, IBS. You're pooing solid? No, but I'm pooing less. So many things about to die for him to have a solid poo. I got to say, I have IBS in the other direction. I'm constipated all the time.

When I'm in a little cubicle, I feel like it's squeezing the shit out of me. I'm like, there's nowhere to turn. And then I just shit it. It's like the only way is down yeah it does help me legitimately scare me because they're small no because they're low and the water's too high i like that and then do you yeah i like when one end of the shit is in the water and the other is connected to your asshole i feel like I'm one with the elements. Surely every old American man has balls covered in water. Yeah. It's like,

you've noticed ours are quite deep in low water. Yeah. Yours are like big and high and it's scary. I don't, old men's balls just dip in the toilet.

Probably. Yeah, but they've cracked, they've cracked the flush. Their flush is great. So smart. Have a little foot flush kick flush

yeah well smart yeah great and hard if flush is hard you can put a lot of shit Morgan we're giving you that one Sam says

as an atheist I'm sticking vocal atheists in room 102 no one cares that you believe in nothing I'd rather hear about you believing in a hippie

in sandals that can turn water into pinot grigio well I am you're the vocal atheist i mean i'm not until someone goes hey you don't believe in god do you and then i'll talk about it because it would be mental if at that point i wasn't a vocal atheist but as soon as someone's got faith i'm i'd rather just shut the fuck up about it i won't really yeah i'd like genuinely jealous of anyone who believes they're

going to a nice place and it's going to be them the nana and henry the eighth for eternity like that looks great i am to that me to get me there genuinely jealous i'll leave you to it it looks sound i think it's a form of mental illness whatever that's sound but i don't go to them and give them shit about it i I only talk about my atheism when pressed on it. I'd love you to find Christ. Would you though? Yeah, I think it'd be great.

As the podcast First Jew, and yeah, I just named myself that, I would also love you to find Christ. Oh, we're even remotely the First Jew. Really? No. You guys don't have any here, do you? We've had people on though who are.

Okay. Are you still religious? No. No. No, I just, I don't believe in God, but I believe there's like something going. Okay. Are you still religious? No. No. No, I just, I don't believe in God, but I believe there's, like, something going on. That's what I believe. Yeah.

We're the same fucking guy. Are you spiritual rather than religious, then? I wouldn't even call it that. I'm just like, it can't be that there's no reason for anything. That's what I think. Yeah. I think there's something else. I just don't know who's running it.

Yeah. I don't think we possess the intellectual capacity to understand what it is. I've said this. Cats. So my... Jody F1. Jody F1.

Jody F1. No, do you know the F1? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, cats. As in the animal. Yes. Cats aren't aware of that, are they? It isn't in their world, is it?

The F1? Correct. So, like, there's a thing... That's his evidence for God. Because cats can't possibly fathom the idea of the Formula One. That's what you're talking about. Right. Humans can't understand.

I love that analogy. That's brilliant. You can't even fathom it because it just doesn't exist. You have like a slight, I don't know if it's autism, but something makes you brilliant. Yeah, it might be. You're the Formula one to my cats you know what i mean i can't figure out what the fuck is going on but i like it we can't understand

god because we i mean not that i i am actually atheist but like because we're not meant to yeah this is by the way this stance looks fucking great yeah that listen it's complicated and the things that have been offered up as an explanation, not for me. There's something. I'm just going to get on thinking there might be something. That same sound. I wish I could buy into that. It's like the church of maybe. It's hedging your bet.

That is what I'm in. I'm the church of maybe. So you're classing yourself as agnostic then rather than... Yeah, everyone's agnostic. Yeah. Absolutely everybody's agnostic. Agnostic just means I don't know, and no one knows. Everyone's agnostic.

Everyone believes. And actually, I means I don't know, and no one knows. Everyone's agnostic. Everyone believes. And actually, I suppose I'm atheist as well, because atheist is just a rejection of theory. It's a theory. It's anti-theory. So I'm against the Christian theory. I'm against the Jewish theory. I'm against Muslim theory.

Can we clip that part where he said, I'm against the Jewish theory? Just stop after Jewish. I'm against the theory. Can we clip that part where he said, I'm against the Jewish theory? Just stop after Jewish. I'm against the Jewish, and then we can just cut to my face. I think we put anyone who thinks they 100% know

in room 102. Yeah. Including devout atheists or whatever you want to call them. Yeah, it's both ends of it. If you're heckling at Sunday service, then you're in room.

Like if someone's like going to church and he's being like on the fourth day, he said, no, he never. You're full of shit, John. That is a vocal atheist, isn't it? What happened on the fourth day? What? What happened on the fourth day?

Played FIFA. Got out of line. Out of line and played FIFA. He was getting tired. Llamas. I'm not resting. Only llam getting tired. Llamas. I'm not resting! Only llamas. Fourth day, llamas.

Fourth day was just llamas. I'm well there, actually. I'll have a go. I've done well there. Sam, you can have it. I know he was talking. It's just that. I've done well there, actually.

One more from Jonathan Flounders. Room 102. People who rave about Fanta Lemon and Lays on holiday. Both shite, get in the bin. No, they're not. They're both class. They're both great, but it's the people who don't show. Right, can we just...

Listen, we have an American guest. We do. We go on holiday to Europe. Their crisps and their sody are slightly different. Like, it's the same branding, basically, but it's slightly different, and people fucking buzz off it fanta lemon in europe on the continent tastes a little different it's like mexican crisps look

the same got a slightly different name is fucking elite isn't it it is it's so fucking good on hot so you go say you go down to mexico yeah is there fuck no where do you go on holiday? Florida. But he hates the elderly. Yeah, not Florida. Florida's just guns and dying people. Is that honestly the only place where guns should be allowed? The most one would be on the way. And where would you go on vacation? Caribbean.

Caribbean. I'd come here, maybe. This is kind of a vacation for me. I'm working, but this is nice. Try the crisps. So wait, so they don't like... I would come here, maybe. This is kind of a vacation for me. Like, I'm working, but this is nice. Yeah. Try the crisps. Yeah. So wait, so they don't like, so they love Fanta lime and lemon?

Just it tastes, you know what they're doing? Tastes a little different. You know what they're doing? This tastes dead good while they're in a really expensive hotel sat on their ass in the sun. That's what they're doing. They're going, being on holiday is great, isn't it? All of the Fanta's made to a different color.

It's the same as going to America and having chocolate and it's minging. Yeah. American chocolate is shit. Also, just go to a boss man shop and have fucking ruffles. They're holiday crisps. You just need to go to the right shop. A boss man shop, by the way, is a shop run by Asian man.

Okay. You guys call Asian people bosses here bosses here no they call those bosses so like you'll go in and be like boss man what you want you know okay and then on your way it's not no disrespect because they know how to get some fucking quality crisps in yeah and if you get a kebab boss man what you have have? Chili garlic? Chili garlic, my friend. Fuck yeah. There you go, mate. Seven pounds.

That's a weird shop, isn't it? Boss man, ruffles and chili garlic, please. I'll have a vape. I'll have some ruffles. Punter lemon. Have you told them their slur yet, or are you keeping that one for yourselves? No, they use it. It's their way,

but they let other people use it as well. They're very progressive with it. Boss man, that's good. It's like a liberal slur. other people use it as well. They're very progressive with it. Bossmans. That's good. It's like a liberal slur. Yeah. Yeah. Like trans.

Yeah. That brings us to the end. Lucas, tell everyone your social media handles and the dates of your shows while you're here. Yeah. Lucas Zelnick on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube,

whatever. I am at the Leicester Square Theater on Sunday, the 7th of July. That's this coming Sunday. The patrons will have a chance. And then if you missed that and you heard the main episode and you're near Amsterdam, I'm at Boom Chicago in Amsterdam on the 8th of July. The rest of my tour dates are in America, lucaszelnick.com. Oh, and i have a podcast

called can i go home now if you like this podcast you want to check mine out lucas that was class wonderful um thanks for having us we'll be back that was really really class uh keep the 12th of october in your diaries go and see the ccc and i'm sure finn has got something for us to listen to. We have. We've got a lad called Oskar Harlech. I think it's spelt the same as the place. 20 years old? Yeah. And this is, he's from the Wirral, 21-year-old singer-songwriter from the Wirral.

This is a tune called The Place You Belong. Not the Wirral. Hello, my name's Ozzy and this is called The Place Where You Belong. It's about Brumbra see you Liz when you're walking down that old street see all the people in a fleet

With their smiles on their faces Describe these disgraces You realize it's small to me You know you are in good hands Find the beach, the promised land. As you walk around that corner, you should be honored. Allowed to live as your own man. And they really are the best.

Stumble into a chest. And they'll buy you a drink before you can even think what home used to be like and you know this is the place where the joy won't leave your face

where your hope is restored and the misery is gone you know you won't want to leave Where all the women are just angels And being sad is fatal And you know that it's true We'll be dancing all night through

This is the place you belong The place you belong The place you belong Dancing all night long In the place you belong Singing all our songs In the place you belong Place you belong Dancing all night long In the place you belong Dancing all night long

The place you belong Singing all our songs The place you belong Read about it in the news Come to find it isn't true For the words that they spread They just want you all dead That just isn't true for the words that they spread. They just want you all day. That just isn't how they do.

So they'll be hand in hand. Live a way they can understand. When you're brought up with nothing, but nothing is enough. They're all one in their hearts Flowing pines, sipping good Living life as they should They are all in a team And together they are keen

To make it count while they can And they'll be just fine Floating right through time While the stars start to fade And the memories make way For the future in their dreams And you know this is the place Where the joy won't leave your face

Where your hope is restored And the misery is gone No, you won't want to leave Where all the women are just angels And being sad is fatal And we know that it's true We'll be dancing all night through This is the place you belong Thank you. The place you belong. Singing all our songs in the place you belong. The place you belong.

Dancing all night long in the place you belong. Singing all our songs in the place you belong. Bye.