Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #288 with Alex Brooker - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: August 4, 2024

Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan Nightingale & Fiends Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.ukComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comFinn's Liverpool Gig: skiddle.com/e/39298815As Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Support our cycle across India for Zoe's Place:https://cycle4zoes.enthuse.com/pf/finnlay-kulavuzGet subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsCheck out Finn's music: https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Tickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Brought to you by Manscaped. The very best products on the market for below the waist grooming. Go, Ed. Get on me. I would like to take full responsibility for being 20 minutes late this morning. Soz. 50 minutes late. 20 minutes late this morning. Soz, 50 minutes late. 20 minutes late this morning? 50 minutes late.

You said yesterday 10 to me. No, it's 10. The public record is 10. You know it's 10. You would change it to 10. Yeah, but I didn't know you'd all like agreed to like get on board with my plan.

So I thought it was half 10 and I'm only 20 minutes late. 50. Time's hard. But we love him. How are you? I'm not sleeping well. My sleep's off kilter.

I think it's because you've got carbs back in your diet. Yeah, it might be actually. Back on the fucking carnivore, mate. Are we off here? Yeah, I've just been like sort of keeping an eye on what I eat and just eating whatever.

Let's eat some beasts. I don't feel any better for it. But the reason I stopped doing the carnivore, it wasn't like I felt shit on it. I just got really bored. Like, literally one night, this is going to piss off some of our, like, more socialist listeners.

I had a Wagyu steak with eggs for me tea and was, like, bored. I was like, ugh. I just really, really, really, like... I was like,. I was like, ugh. I just really, really, really like, I was like, right, that's a problem

because this is like the height of luxury food. So I need to just like enjoy my food again. I wanted like a fucking, a sandwich. I wanted like Warburtons bread with crisp on.

See? I've had the crisp on. You can have the best food on the planet, which is what I was having that night. And I was like, and I'd cooked it perfectly and I food on the planet which is what I was having that night and I was like and I'd cooked it perfectly

and I just didn't enjoy it and I was like right this is a a problem at this time I need to get off it for a bit if I was in town walking through Hungary

and there was a crisp butty shop or a steak let's call it a crisp butty shop yeah also that crisp butty shop would cost £3.99

wouldn't it yeah the Wagyu the Wagyu and eggs. Don't they say you can tell your social status on how you say that steak's name? Wagyu. So there's Wagyu, Wagyu, which is apparently what it's meant to be, Wagyu.

That's how we're posh. People tell it you're not posh. I think it's overrated. I haven't tried it a couple of times. It's fine. It's all right. I like it. Rather of a proper cut of really nice steak. It was overrated. I haven't tried it a couple of times. It's fine. It's all right. I like it. Rather have a proper cut of like really nice steak.

Like it was all right. Bit like soft and a bit gritty. I like it, man. I mean, you should like it for the ridiculous prices. No, that's what I'm saying. I'd rather spend half the money and get like a really nice ribeye or something. Let's go to Hawksmoor for dinner.

Oh, here we go. That's the reason I bought that fancy steak that night because I... Let's take everyone for an £800 lunch. Let's do that again for no reason. What are you having, Steve?

£1,000 of meat? Nice one. I went into M&S and for like a really big piece of Wagyu sirloin, it was like 18 quid. And I was like, that's very expensive to be eating at home.

But like, I'd gone in and I was planning to go out to eat that night, but my plans got cancelled. So I was like, if I was in Hawksmoor and there was a Wagyu sirloin steak for 18 pound on the menu,

you wouldn't even think about it. So I was like, I'm just going to get it and cook it at home. And I nailed it. I just didn't enjoy it. I'd still want a crisp boy. What makes it different? Is it just Japanese? Marbling, to get it and cook it at home. And I nailed it. I just didn't enjoy it. I'd still want a crisp, buddy. What makes it different? Is it just Japanese?

Marbling, more marbling. And it's Japanese. They've had little, they've had promises whispered into their ear. The cows get like the bum tickled. They literally, they're like. Cows are brought up on Pokemon, but in the original language. You're really good. You're such a lovely cow.

Yeah. You're not fat. You're not a fat cow. You're a beautiful cow look at you look at them orders and they just how talking by japanese men caress the rudders just for ages like yeah what what is marble in beef uh marbles it's like the having a streaked or patterned appearance uh like that of variegated marble yeah it means beautiful it's over it sounds vile it is just the other day you're shitting out yeah i'm back here the bottom line is i was in a ridiculously

privileged position and not enjoying it and i was like that's disgusting i need to just back to chris boys yeah and now you're not sleeping yeah did you have midnight i went to therapy yesterday it was a bit of a rough one so i was was a bit sort of off-kilter anyway. You just have a rough one, and you're just a bit meh. So then I was up late anyway, and I'm struggling to get off my phone. I've got the fucking telly on, and I'm just trying to distract myself,

but my brain's going a million miles an hour. So the worst thing I can do in that situation is try and go to sleep, because then my brain's like, not distracted by your phone. Well, here's all these thoughts, lad. You fucking tit. How rough is the therapy?

How deep are we going here? Are we like, is she proper like breaking you down, man? Yeah, so we're like, we're way below surface level now, past sort of like month or so. Like, and dealing with sort of the problems

I have in relationships where, like, I expect certain behavior from partners and how their behavior sort of impacts how I see myself and also how that's rooted in how I experience my mom and dad's. And it's all the kind of stuff stuff that like i always thought was fucking bollocks do you know how like like a lot of therapists believe that like 90 percent of your adult sort of personality and your trauma and your problems is always in your childhood yeah i've always just thought that was just fucking pie in the sky bullshit until you actually start unpacking

your own shit and you go oh it actually makes so much sense yeah but it takes someone who you actually respect and someone who's really qualified to point it out yeah and lead you the right way my therapist is fucking unbelievable and you have to do the work she just nudges you in the right yeah i felt like that i think we had a different experience with therapy but i felt like i came out going fuck i did all the work there i i opened up and i dealt with all of that and you're like yeah that's the skill of a good therapist isn't it to just nudge you back onto the track so you're dealing with the stuff and you're bringing it up and you're pulling it to bits and making conclusions i initially

thought oh you've not done that much but then of course it was good because i did it and he got me to the point where i was doing it. I found the whole thing fascinating, but I don't think we went nearly as in-depth as you. But I've been with the same person now almost every week for over a year. Yeah. So I had a bit of a gap, but like I'm about 40 sessions in,

I'm 40 hours in. Holy shit. Do you know what I mean? Ready for your driving test. So, and what's really funny is I think I've just, like, landed properly on my feet with finding the right person straight away. One thing I heard with therapy is that it can, you know, sometimes you can struggle to find a therapist that matches you.

And Alfie, who obviously I've spent quite a lot of time with over the past year because we toured together, like, he's had about five or six different therapists throughout his life, I think. And when we've just had chats about like my recent therapy session i've told him some stuff that's come up and like that she's pulled out and pointed out to me he's gone to me a few times like where'd you find this bitch like she is so fucking good he's like i've never had anyone in the entire time i've been in therapy be this level of insightful right and is she giving you like is she giving you is it like cognitive behavior where she's like hey try this or

that or is it all just questions leading to you are you leading it or is she giving you advice and techniques or so it varies week to week sometimes i get and I'm like, I already on the way there have thought, right, I know what I want to start talking about this week. And I start and she just waits for me to take a breath and then unpack what I've just said. Other times, if I'm feeling particularly good and I haven't like had any thoughts that I want to unpack that week,

I sit down and I'm just like, what do you want to do? How's your week been? And then she'll be like, yeah, good. And she'll ask me back and forth. And if it doesn't go anywhere, she'll go, I want to go back to something you mentioned three weeks ago. Let's talk about this. Oh, nice. Like a bit that didn't

quite go somewhere because of how my brain works, a lot of the sessions are very tangential and they'll go off. But she is constantly making mental and then at the end physical notes of threads that we didn't fully explore. Fascinating.

How do you date that person? I'm not trying to be a therapist. How would you? Surely you'd be like, stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. She's not ready.

Surely she has a gift. It's almost like dating a porn star do you know what i mean i'm sure porn stars have got like a loving bonk in them like a kind hey i love you come here can you imagine making a porn star class but and then they've got like work mode do you know what i mean because you'd say something and you go oh she knows what i mean by that i think she might have like a gear for like a loved one where she's like i'm not gonna psychoanalyze it's just natural though I think you're sort of

judging your entire view of therapists on the one Phoebe dating friends and I don't think they're all like that in real life well my mum was a therapist

and when she she changed careers and then after she changed careers I could tell that she was like she'd like clasp her hands like that when like I'd like say something to her

oh my god and I'd open it and I'd ate it but then it'd like the go to when you were my God. And I'd ate it. But then the go-to would be like... When you were still a kid? No, I must have been like, what? 18, maybe? Oh, right, okay.

So she was like cabin crew for ages, and then she was like, oh, let me fucking psychoanalyse you and hypnotise you. And she was gabbing crew? So I need to be careful here with details for reasons that you just know. And that a lot of other people know, but you understand I've got to be careful here with details for reasons that you just know. But, and that a lot of other people know, but you understand I've got to be careful.

When I first started going to my therapist, I initially, one of the first things I spoke about was a particularly bad breakup I had and something that someone did to me. And my therapist was the first person I'd told what happened who didn't, like, immediately go, that's horrific, good riddance. Like her reaction was essentially that anger and reaction that I had was deeper than the surface level betrayal. She was like, it's not just about that.

She was the first person who ever reacted like that. And I remember, and I'm quite proud of myself for this, and I've spoke to her about this since. My initial reaction was, she's wrong. My initial reaction was, it is just about that. There's nothing beneath it. And I knew the entire time, and whenever it come up, she would always act like that.

There was a bit of a, like, sort of, it's not just about that. And she never said it in those exact words, but I knew that's what her feeling towards it was. And then we got to a point where she sort of pulled out of me what the beneath thing was, which was always there. And she was absolutely right all along. And then I, so this is, and you'll see why I brought this up. I said to her, like, this was only about maybe a month or six weeks ago.

I was like, I'll be honest with you. When I, you're the only person who's ever had that reaction. And for a while I thought you were wrong and just thought you'd like misjudge something. But I didn't like lose faith in the idea of this therapy because I thought you'd got one thing wrong. But then it turns out you were right. And she said, well, first of all, well done for sort of sticking with me and trusting the process. therapy because i thought you've got one thing wrong but then it turns out you were right and she said well first of all well done for sort of sticking with me and trusting the process and having the open-mindedness to get where we've eventually got she was like but that's my job

just so you know she was like i wouldn't be like this if we were friends she was like if we were friends and you told me that story i probably would have been like that's fucking horrific fuck it off she's got a work here and then she's that story, I probably would have been like, that's fucking horrific. Fuck her off. She's got a work gear and a normal gear. She was like, but my job isn't to be your friend. My job's to be your therapist. And even if there's a 10% chance that there's something beneath the surface level reaction, it's my job to get that out of the air

rather than to be a good friend. I'm trying to be a good therapist. So I don't think you're 100% on the right track with it would be difficult to do. I think they are just normal people in their normal lives. I'm sure there's certain parts of them that, you know, they can't turn off. The same way we're fucking dickheads and we can't turn off.

And like, I imagine sometimes Seneca comes to you, you're probably better than most with this, but Seneca will come to you with a problem. And your instinct is to make an inappropriate joke about it. And she doesn't want that does she but that is because of what you do for a living

we've got an in here on pod persona like you said it the first time we sit around just doing like chatting normally and then the cameras go on

and the mics go on and we have a gear I think they'll have that one there that was one of the weirdest things I ever noticed my first day I have a word

when I wasn't on camera wasn't on mic and I sat watching and it went from how are you a word when i wasn't on camera wasn't on mic and i sat watching and it went from how are you and then when the mics went on he's changed i was like what the fuck it was so jar it's fucking showbiz it's like you've got a fucking like cloak on you become like i'm the same now it's weird i said the exact same when i first came into the studio like i think adam was on his phone and i kind of made no i was like mental note was like oh like it's not just like a joke and then immediately

you press the start the record and then everyone goes yeah yeah but i get i went when we were talking about it i was talking about my girlfriend working with kids and like she has a gear with like child yeah you've seen her with her with her nieces or something it was like like messy with kids a hundred percent i that's one of my favorite things about podcasting with adam because i've podcasted now with a lot of people i remember doing the the hack radio and i we there was some records that were just like you're like why is this hard work like this person's funny and we get on like why why am i saying going shit this is hard like to know where to go and like lulls and everything and then we did the radio pod together and i got to the end of it i was like oh it's the easiest it's just the easiest hour and 20 minutes of my life

so funny and then three months later three months later we're doing that well it's chemistry and also the skill of like it's amazing how some comics can't podcast. Yeah, funny people. You don't have to be like Theo Vaughn. Like there's a standard that is like, he's one of the best podcasters ever. You just have to be entertaining and amusing and whatever. And some comics, it's difficult.

Comedy's changing. My favorite thing about it. Our best guests aren't the best standups we've had on this show. Nope. Like, they're not. I mean, Andrew Schultz is probably both. Yeah.

But he's the exception that proves the rule. Like, if you look at how you would sort of, if you were a comedy club booker, and I don't want to obsess any of our guests here, but like, there's people who, if you were booking a headline bill and you wanted three absolute like murderers,

there are people we've had on this couch who would be right at the top of that list, who would be right near the bottom of the list of who are our listeners put in the Hall of Fame.

And the exact opposite is true. There's people who would go right into the Hall of Fame, who if you wanted someone who was going to murder to a neutral crowd over 20 minutes, they wouldn't get a fucking looking. It's not wrong with that.

That's just that we're the good guy. But it's the gear, isn't it? Have they got the gear to go, bang, it's not. There's no audience here. It's just us. Sorry, I just had an idea and I need to write things down. Oh, what's that? You had an idea?

Yeah. What's the idea? I want a Hall of Fame that we induct people into. Well, we into I mean that was the original we've got a lot of wall space I know we have I'm trying to fill it. Let's Hall of Fame it

I'm a very sleepy boy. You did the midnight run? Yeah. Tuck Steve to the airport and he's going to cry about it for six weeks now Six weeks? You will though in six weeks time you'll still be like, remember when I told you at the airport? Don't you live like 14 minutes from the airport?

No, it was Liverpool airport. I'd fucking pay for this taxi. Liverpool airport. Liverpool airport. Liverpool airport. Jürgen Klopp. Liverpool. If Stephen has me,

who I live near the airport, he lives nowhere near it, to go and get him and take him, I'd tell him. Yeah, I thought it sounded mad. It was Manchester. Oh, was it sounded mad. It was Manchester. Oh, was it? Manchester.

It was Manchester. I got back into bed at 20 to 5. It was 45 minutes. Like, just next time, just tell him to get a fucking taxi. I offered. Why? Because he'd done two for me. Because he's black.

Why didn't you just get a taxi? What? Why didn't you be offered? We're just nice people. Yeah, I know, but you know. You're just stupid cunts is what you are. You've taken me to the airport. I've taken you to nice people. Yeah, I know, but you know. You're just stupid cunts is what you are. You've taken me to the airport. I've taken you to the airport.

Yeah, I have because I'm a fucking... No, you have taken me to the airport. I have taken you. Yeah, because I'm a sucker for helping people. If people ask me for a favour and I can do it, I like doing it. Because it makes me feel good. Acts of service, love language, mate, okay?

I resent you for it, but I'll do it because it makes me feel good next therapy session booked in ready it's true though like seneca's love language i just put this loyalty for is acts of service but it also gratifies me because that's how i show love as well so like she's won the jackpot i don't need anything but oh so you your jigsaw i feel your perfect jigsaw pieces that click in. Yeah, I feel love by doing things for the person I love or the people I love

and she feels love by going, oh, he's done that for me. So she has won the jackpot. What a woman. Of course she has. Phenomenal woman. It's mad because like, if I've got a partner

and we're on the couch together and I go do us a favour, go make us a cup of tea. Like, if they make me a cup of tea, I feel class, right? And if they say no, I feel, like, unloved. But if, like, three seconds before I asked, if they went, babe, do us a favor, make us a cup of tea, I'll be at the kettle before she's finished that sentence.

Yeah. The only times I go to the shop... But the second I've asked, I'm not making a cup of tea. Because you need it. You expect it i want it i've asked you to do something for me show me love show me love and go and do it but if you ask i will reciprocate that you just have to beat me to the question that's exactly what it is sorry because i've invented i've created a monster of a brat she was in the bathroom they in trends i'm dead hungry i was like what you want to eat i don't know that one i was like well you said you're hungry and she went sorry what you you made her a picky girl dinner and then took it to her in the bath no i mean that's next level yeah hey y'all float these chicken

dippers on the top you have them when you want it's a big plate and then she went i want american pizza slice a full pizza from american pizza slice which is not cheap and i'd already spent money early in the day on a dead x4 i was like that's a lot of money i was like you don't need that i'll go to the test i'll get a son she went i only want american pizza slice and because that was a response i was like okay you can get it then i respected the just the that's all i want i was like and i bought it went, it's on its way. What? You... She wanted... She wanted a 19 inch. 18. We shared it, obviously. Oh, right.

I thought... Only 18 inches. I don't know. It's not 19. She's not a pig. Where is she putting it? In her mouth. I want a whole American...

Like, you're meant to buy it from the slice and you're buying... It's a colossal pizza. She wants the whole pizza. Oh, no. Like, American pizza slices are a lot better if you get the full pie because it's fresher. If you get a slice, it's just... It's warmed up. Oh, 100%. I just thought. She wants the whole pizza. Oh no, like American pizza slices are a lot better if you get the full pie because it's fresher.

If you get a slice, it's just, it's warmed up. Oh, 100%. I just thought she was eating the whole thing. I mean, that is a gargantuan pizza to smash it. It's over an hour. She was out the bathroom together. We had to. But when she went, that's all I want.

I was like, okay, I respect the bratness. Cause I'd go, I'd like to go to something else. Yeah, I suppose. As long as you're not doing it all the time. Like if she's doing that every night, I would not respect the bratness. I'd be like, that's doing that every night i would not respect the brightness i'd be like that's just irritating a lot carl i desire fish and chips where from my love grimsby carl fresh from the waters drive for me carl she'll all she loves lolly ices and ice

ice cream it's a thing she loves jubblies or jies are? Yeah. She's the jubbly queen. She loves them. Do you know in the past week I've had two full boxes of the round trees through past those lolly icers. Well this is in the story. Earlier in the day I bought her a box of jubblies but they hadn't cooked yet in the freezer. They weren't ready and she was like gutted. It was like half

ten at night and she was like I just wanted a jubbly. Cooked? Yeah I went they haven't cooked yet. And she went oh I just really wanted a jubbly cooked yeah I went down and she went oh I just really wanted a jubbly and I'm just watching the telly like a countdown from five I got to three and she went will you go and get me

I don't know like a free pasta lollies so I have to drive the test go they're so good they're so juicy that's just loving it if you've never seen a picture of Serica

and you're thinking how fit is she she's very fit and this is why she can behave like this because she's beautiful yeah she gets away with it she gets what she wants.

I like going to, when I go to the shop, like if I've got to go to the shop and it's anywhere near tea time, I go, does anyone want a treat? And like Laura's like, she's always like trying to just watch what she's eating. We're about to watch a crunch though. And I love that.

Of course. I love getting Milky Bar buttons for Jack. And like- You feel like I'm covering all the bands and I'm going, yay! I love that feeling coming i love that feeling i won't do for myself what i'll do for other people like i'm i'm really not good at sort of doing stuff for myself like in certain moments i'll be asked all the show like if i'm in bed comfy and i i could be like desperate in desperate need of a slice of toast there is not a chance i'm getting out of bed and going to that toaster for me but in the exact same situation if my bear goes they've gone

to a slice of toast i'm up and i'm doing it yeah are you good when you when your partner's ill yeah yeah jennica is but she's never ill But when I'm ill, I expect to be fucking doted on when I'm ill. I do not. I will look after you. But if I'm sick, you cancel work, you cancel social engagements, you stroke my ear to sleep. And if I want a cup of tea, you go and get me one. If I want a fresh orange from the co-op you go and find the co-op

I know she she's raised by an Irish mother who's like grow the fuck up she broke her hip and her mum went yeah he just pulled her she walked around

and had a broken hip for a week she was like no if I'm sick I go are you alright and I go no and she goes

alright cool and then when I'm well again she's like are you well now she gives me no she gives me no sympathy again, she's like, are you well now? She gives me no sympathy.

None. But she's never sick. She's one of them people who's never sick. Like Freddie. Yeah. She's never ever sick. Apart from that time she had Legionnaires. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, she doesn't do sympathy very well. Yeah, when Laura's ill, I just go into like a coping mode and she gets a bit needy. I'm like, I've just got to sort the kids and me out and you and everything but i can't do that and be like oh my love are you all right so i just go into her like right i can do this but i've got to fucking get on with it and she's like you seem annoyed with me yeah i'm not annoyed with you i've just got to get on like i can't you can't if there's no kids there i could be all doted i probably wouldn't be but she gave me what i need like if she'll make me tea and bring it up and let you

go but she won't be like you're right she'd be like she let her she'll leave me too the only time i'm not good at me part of being sick is if we're both sick at the same time because if i'm sick i'm just useless you're the worst sick as well it doesn't matter how sick you are you definitely feel it depends what you've got as well do you remember before we did blind date i had norovirus yeah that's that's not an ill where you just you're just literally trying to stay alive like i know you're not gonna die but it does feel like you're gonna die like there isn't anything you can do apart from just lie there trying not to shit the bed i have waves that way i'm like oh no i feel awful again and then i'm sick and i shit and i feel great i feel unbelievable and then you then I'm sick and I shit and I feel great.

I feel unbelievable. And then you've got an hour and a half. And then it comes back again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Horrible. Ain't that? The worst I ever was, apart from COVID, in fact, I would say up there with COVID,

was when I lived with me auntie Carol. And I was so sick. I don't know what it was to this day. I was after about 10 days. i lost two stone in 10 days and every cloud i i was in bed and i would go asleep for like two hours at a time but every time i woke up i had to change the entire bedding because it was just soaking with sweat like Like, as if you dropped the bed in the bath and then put it back on the bed frame. Every two hours.

Have you ever questioned the piss? Have you ever gone, have I pissed? And you sniff it. Yeah. Because you're that sick, it's wet. You're like, I must have pissed. No, I don't think I did that. I think I knew because I was literally drenched.

So unless I pissed all over my own face as well. It cannot be that wet. Unless she's thrown me in the fucking sea. That's like a virus, though, isn't it? That you're fighting off when you go that hot. I'll go down and lay on the kitchen floor. Lay on the bathroom floor? You know, because it feels like the coldest place in the house.

Just need to cool down. That's when you know you are so ill when lying on a bathroom floor is better than anywhere else bed's audible it's that hot and it's really the audible smells are you know sometimes when i'm hung over like the best thing i can do is just go to the other end of the bed like head where your feet should be feet where your head should be like feet on the like headboard yeah like so like you feel sort of like you can't go any further just upside down it's so much cooler i'm so much more i'll fall asleep in three seconds i do that if you switch ends it's game over you're done change an environment i just go left to right because i sleep i sleep on my own in my bed don't i sleep but i always sleep in this i sleep on my own in my bed, don't I? I sleep on the same half.

Do you? Yeah. That's fucking psychopathic. You sleep on a half. I sleep like I'm a widower and Laura's died, but she's just across the landing farting and snoring.

She's in bed. My nieces are here this week. Oh no, we're going to have to share a bed. A what? Oh God. My wedding? No, for the next three nights. My nieces are over this week. Oh no, we're going to have to share a bed. For what? Oh God. My wedding? No, for the next three nights.

My nieces are over from Sheffield. So it's going to be loads of fun. My kids are going to be ecstatic. And then I'm going to be sharing a bed. You sound really excited about it as well. I'm sharing a bed with Laura. I'm going to share a bed with my wife for three days. Fuck off. With more children in the house.

Brilliant. Oh, great fun. Good fun. Also, my kids, middle of the night, they wake up and they're like, you know what, I need to go and check on mum,

which is great when she sleeps alone because then she just has to deal with it. That's so cute. Yeah, they just get in with her. They're like, I had a better night, man. Oh, it's not like, are you all right? No, they're like, you all right, mum? Mum, you all right? You okay?

Go back to bed. Cup of tea, love? No. Off to bed. You okay there, mum? Just to let you know, I have shat me pants. I'm three. I'll deal with myself. Don of tea, love. No. Off to bed. You're okay there, mum. Just to let you know, I have shat me pants. I'm three.

I'll deal with myself. Don't worry about that. Get on me. Jack gets up and just gets to bed. I love how your kids are always scousing you. I know. It's so funny.

Righto, lad. Next one. Fucking get on me. What, are there 40s in the bed? No. Oh, you get kicked out. I'll just call in the garden office which in the middle of summer is a fucking nightmare because it's south facing it just

warms up all day do you know what i mean yeah you're scared though it's just sweaty as fuck a lid offered and i was like yeah i'm thinking about it i just maybe you should do yeah you're gonna sleep in there yeah also someone messaged me about clad in the back of my house and i've lost your message gives a shout thanks i hate that give me a heads up when someone uh so many people go hey you mentioned this is like the amount of stuff that you just mention it like in the patreon episode yesterday i mentioned lowriders i bet you anything by the end of the day everyone's like lads have you seen this one it's for fucking sales only 70 grand i've been sent so many ford rangers like so many ford rangers oh my god everyone everyone that has

sex on holiday sends me their little brum brums which I love if you are in the picture I'm not like people just send me a pint and then two cars I think what we need

to do sometimes is just for people who are like first time listeners we need to contextualise some of our references so when you when we just say

like because Alex Brook is on today and we might get a lot of new listeners and just if you are who are going to be like this is a really positive podcast about mental health.

Nope. But Dan, what do you mean by everyone who has sex on holiday sends you their little brum brums? Well, do you know what? I can contextualise it, but it still won't totally make sense. I went to Tenerife and we sort of put an over-under

on how many times I was going to have sex with my lady. And every time we did, I put a little car on the stories. Dan's wife is a pussy terrorist, isn't she? I thought you were going to say something else. What? A pussy terrorist. I don't think you're helping the situation. You're negotiating with terrorists.

She's kid-lapped. No, no. She's not. She's not. She's got a self-gate. By the way, new listeners, we're back to our normal form. Your wife's a pussy terrorist. It's not. By the way, new listeners, we're back to our normal form. Your wife's a pussy terrorist. It literally took 10 seconds.

And I'm not disagreeing with you. But she holds the pussy hostage. It's a piss-free song to your bed, isn't it? So she wields her power as the woman. And because you are... I mean, she's not the first to do it. You're a man who honours consent. So you...

Yes, I'd like that on record! Woo! So you're often like, hey, can I have some pussy? And she's like, no. But on holiday... She scoffs as well. On holiday, you were like,

can I have some pussy? She was like, you can have some pussy, but not all the pussy. Anyway, I put it on my stories and every time it happened, I put a little brum brum up. So everyone does that. A year and a half ago...

You mean a car emoji? A little car. a little car. If you're a new listener, if you're having an all day and you fuck your wife, just tag that in here with a little car emoji every time you fuck. I'll share it. A year and a half ago, I got told I look like I collect snakes. Now every, at least every day,

I get sent a picture of a snake or videos of snakes. That was the most offended you've ever been. It's like I am the minister in charge of cold plunging. Everyone's like, lad, I need some advice advice i want to show you my cold plunge and weirdly i do not mind at all uh jacked women that is now a new lane and to be honest really like it buff muscly yoked ladies loads of them in my dms it's amazing if you mention stuff enough, it just comes into, and TRT, loads of people going, lad, nevermind test,

get on this shite. So, yeah. Yeah, don't mention any, don't warn you. I don't mind. Honestly,

I don't mind any of that. That's all good. The guy who, the guy who invented tiramisu died yesterday. Yeah. Loads of people like, RIP lad.

Have a fucking, have a tiramisu. You're a bit of a tiramisu addict, weren't you, at one point? Yeah, I think it's a phenomenal pudding. Is it a coffee scran?

What is it? I've never had it, I don't think. Yeah, it does feel like it's got a little bit of coffee and it's got a touch of that. Is it ale? A little bit of amaretto?

No, a touch, something, yeah. Never had it? Is it chai? It's just, it's made of ladyfinger pastries.

You know what, you'd have one bite of it and you'd be like, it's all... It's made of ladyfinger pastries. You know what? You'd have one bite of it and you'd be like, it's all right, but it's for goths. I know exactly what you mean. It's a goth pudding. Oh, is it?

Listen. I will have this goth thing being bandied around. I admit I don't fully understand it. I'll say right now it's a goth pudding. Tiramisu is not a goth pudding. I'm not having it.

I'm calling bullshit. It is. It's not. It's white meat. It's a famous, it's an Italian nana scran. No one's going, yeah, Italian nanas, they're all fucking goths. Look at them.

Tell me that's not a, it's like a, do you know what the biggest goth scran ever is? Dessert. A Black Forest Gatto. That's a fact. That is a. What do you mean? We're not even arguing on that.

A Black Forest Gato is a goth skedant. You have never seen a goth... That's up there. You have never seen a goth eat a Black Forest Gato. No, that's not what goth stuff means. It's not for goths. It's goth to order it. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. It's me not understanding it. Yeah, so goths gran not because we eat it it's similar to being in school and saying that's gay it doesn't mean you are gay

it's just the new gay goth is the new gay orange is the new black yeah tin of my shoe is the new black vonis gato yeah bit goth that lad

I've googled what do goths eat it's not no that's not what it is if two of my shoes aren't on the list I'll give you a thousand pounds right now

it's nothing to do with goths. Here's what I mean. Oh, God, I'm so sorry. How stupid of me to think it was something to do with goths when you went Tiramisu's are goths, Graeme. Listen, here's what it is, Graeme. If you've got five dessert options, the shittest one that only a weirdo would order

is the goth one. Cheesecake. Not goth. No. Never goth. Cheesecake is scouse as fuck. Docake. Not goth. No. Never goth. Goth is, cheesecake is scouse as fuck. Oh,

do you know what I'm going to get? I'm going to get the Black Forest Gat. Goth over here. Dark breads are goth. Sushi. Pump a nickel. What? Souls.

What, eating souls? And bats are also goth. Oh yeah, oh no, fucking shit. Alcoholic drinks. Do you know what? Sushi. Curry. Curry. are also goth. Oh, yeah. Oh, no fucking shit. Alcoholic drinks. Do you know what?

Sushi. Curry, kind of goth. Curry is goth? No, it's not. What are you talking about? No, that's a list written by big goth mates. They just want everyone... The undertaker.

Right, give me any restaurants. Give me any restaurants in, like, a chain. Give me a chain. What, does curry... No, no. And fucking in like a chain. Give me a chain. What the does curry? No, no. And fucking sushi. Any chain.

Tiramisu. Any chain. Wagamama. Wagamama. Okay, wagamama. I was thinking wagamama as well. I think it's because of Wagyu, isn't it? From before.

Wagamama menu. Okay. Ready? Food menu. I'll tell you what the goths grant is. So many people come up and go, well, yeah, you make the rules. Yeah, it's my word.

It's not my word, but I'm owning it. Shut up. There is Indian goths. There is. Harry doesn't get it. I was lost out there. If you say chicken katsu curry is the goth one... No, it isn't.

It's not at all. Thank you. Good, good, good, good. Wagamama's not for any goths. By the way, if you're a big fan of Wagamama's and you guessed this right, I would say Real attention It's not a very goth restaurant

It isn't Honestly What about Bang Bang Cauliflower? No Bang Bang Cauliflower What's the one next door? What's the Mexican one on the top? Bandito

Not Bandito Churro What's it called? The chain? Barbarito Not the one next door mexican chain las iguanas

las iguanas is that goth no it isn't but i'm guessing they've got a sign they call their they call their halloumi

beach cheese yep what sound to me goth to me what's that about that's a Mexican man. I love Las Iguanas.

Shout out Las Iguanas, Ellesmere Port. It's become my absolute favourite. It's always... They've got curly fries. Right. Let's have a break. Like the menu's not working. The internet's goth.

Let's have a break. The stuff is like the shittest one. It's like going into... Do you know the drinks you get in them shops? The boss man shops? Yeah. There are goth versions of drinks there. That aloe vera drink in one of those shops.

Oh, the green one. Yeah, goth. Wow. Monsters also goth, but that's like grandfathered in. I'm not having tiramisu as goth. That's offensive. If we were in a restaurant and it was like cheesecake, brownie,

kinder bueno cake, or like here. And tiramisu. And you went, oh, get a tiramisu. Tiramisu is fucking gorgeous. It doesn't matter if it's good. It's goth.

You've got no concept of what this means. Oh, well, colour me goth. I'm having a tiramisu in honour of fucking Jeff. Jeff tiramisu, who died yesterday. Was that his name?

No. Oh. That would have been a bit on the nose, wouldn't it? I've never had it before. I'm going to call this cake the Jeff. Jeff Tiramisu, who died yesterday. Was that his name? No. Oh. That would have been a bit on the nose, wouldn't it? I've never had it before. I'm going to call this cake the Jeff. I'll call it Tiramisu. Right, let's have a break. What was his name?

Heriberto Linguinotto. Oh. Rest in peace. Fucking goth. If you love what we do on Have a Word and you are just listening or watching the public episodes, please sign up at patreon.com slash haveawordpod because you will get so much extra

from one of the biggest patrons in the UK, an exclusive episode every Wednesday. The biggest in the UK. One of the biggest in the world. What? We're top 20 in the world, aren't we? Top 20 in the world. We're not the biggest in the UK.

Who is? Shits and gigs. Really? Yeah, they've smashed it. They are good. We're not the biggest in the UK. Who is? Shits and Gigs. Really? Yeah, they've smashed it. They are good. Go and check them out. They're unbelievable. They've smashed it.

And we do extra episodes. We do early release. And then we've got basically every month a Patreon special, which is a TV show standard hour, hour and a half, sometimes longer,

where our brilliant videographer, creative director Will Hutchby makes these unbelievable specials. We've got, what have we just done? We've just done the Soapbox special part one and two. Soapbox part two is probably our most popular special

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on the internet, mate. Fuck. We're the best. Sam Wells says, I have a question. You know how some singers, songwriters will write a song and give it to someone else

because it suits their style better, et cetera. Have you ever written a joke and thought it suits another comedian's style better? And how would you feel if someone came to you with a joke and said it suited your style? I've never written a bit and give it to someone else and I wouldn't.

I had an arena level comic ask me to help write his new tour with him. He came to me and was like, offered me a job. This was a few years ago. Yeah. He was like, I'm going to have a couple of writers for my new hour. Do you want to be one of them? And I was like, no.

And he was like, oh, any particular reason why? And I was like, because I'm trying to catch you up and I don't want to write a good bit and give it to you. Like, I'd rather keep it. Like, there's no amount of money you could give me that makes that worth it for me and certainly not like writers are on a pretty sort of standard rate of like 400 quid a day and everything you write in that day you give to the person you're writing for I'm just like I was like I'm my career's going well enough that I can afford to live on what I'm earning I don't need

that extra money and any new bits that i write i want for me um i don't really think i ever write a joke and think oh i couldn't do that that would be better than someone else's voice because you write your your own bits don't you um there was there's a comic who had a bit uh it was simon wasn't he he had a bit about sort of 8 years ago now and he did it a couple of times and he was like oh I'm going to stop doing that I don't like it I'm just going to bin it and I was like I'll buy that off you and I wasn't

going to do it the way he'd done it I was going to change it dramatically but the sort of the angle he'd come up with I loved I just didn't I thought there was so much more to it than he'd done with it and he was going to put it in the bin and he was like no i don't want to sell it he's like just in case i ever come back to it i don't want to which you might uh and he did and he met but like

i was like i don't ever want to be accused of nicking someone's idea even if they're going to bin it so i'm not going to do it unless you give me permission and i'll pay you for the permission and i wasn't trying to take his joke i was trying to take the sort of concept he'd looked at something with and like take it my own way also it's like but he said no it's it's sort of how it works benny boo and benny boot retired remember benny boo he's my favorite comment oh my god what a fucking legend when he retired because he's a fucking genius and when he's the guy this is bullshit he's an oldest monk now, isn't he? He's just gone and had a different life.

Matt Reid's one of his best mates. And Matt went, hey, if you're retiring, can I have that bit and that bit? And Benny Boot was like, I'd love you to. And then Matt Reid started doing those bits. I have no problem with that.

Matt Reid's never gone, never like made that a secret and been like, no, no, they're my bits. Like he's gone, yeah, yeah. My best mate was retiring he had two of my favourite bits

and I went can I do them go check Benny Butoh on YouTube by the way because he is the goat also Super Sound could have been a fucking rock star

he's got that weird do you know what I mean if he'd have been a lead guitarist in a band Constable Harrison he wrote me a Christmas card once from Constable Harrison

and I cherish it still I still got it I remember doing the He wrote me a Christmas card once from Constable Harrison. And I cherish it still. I still got it. I remember doing the Lee Evans warm-up gigs and thinking, I was just watching him, and he was at the early stage of writing what was his last tour show. And honestly, he must have done 200 jokes. It felt like it.

It felt like he was going piece of paper after piece of paper, and his writer was in the dressing room just banging him out it was almost like you're like are you trying to break the record for most new material ever done at one show he did 50 minutes and i remember coming away from that first night going i've got two or three old bits that i don't do anymore that lee evans would fucking smash with they're tested they're funny and and i'm sure they got that tour show exactly where they needed to be but at the point where he was at the glee in nottingham with me it was like way off and i remember the stuff about uh i just had a bit about it was it was dated but I'll be honest, I think Lee Evans' crowd wouldn't have known the difference.

And I toyed with the idea of going, you can have these or you can buy them off me. But then I was like, you don't ask that. You wait for someone to ask you, don't you? I can't go, hey, do you know what I think? Compared to this shit, I've got a few bits you'd love. I've got a question about that, because I saw you do it today.

Joan, you get off stage and someone appears, watches you and they go, why don't you add this line? Do you ever get your back up? No. No. Tell you who's great for that.

Danny Mac is unbelievable at throwing you a little line here and there. Do you always go, oh yeah, do you ever use it? If it's a good comic, I tell you what does wrinkle.

And if you're a new comic, like I not i'm not arrogant like this but if you i'm never arsey about stuff but it's a weird little fucking uh irritation when you are an experienced comic and a brand new comic goes hey do you know i thought of a little tagline'm like, write one joke that I like of your own. Do you know what? Here's the thing. If Paul Smith or Danny McLachlan or Dan or Brennan or Alfie comes to me and goes, I've got a tagline for you, even if I think it's a bit naff, I'll be like, nice one.

And I just won't use it, right? If you're a newer comer, if you're essentially still an open spot you better be fucking sure yeah yeah that's why that tagline is fire if you're going up to a really experienced touring headline comic and going got a little add-on for you there because if it's shit you look like a fucking idiot paul smith gave me a tagline that became one of the biggest laughs in any bit i've got so in my lazy eye bit i always had the bit about putting the thigh into me and it was a full routine work it was class but the line um i was the only kid at school who could do heads and volleys at the same time is paul smith's line he was like add this that's the one i thought

so it you never get your back up unless it's a really inexperienced comic giving you a dog shit add-on because you're just like, are you, how fucking stupid are you? When you start a comedy, and I remember it, you want to do things that comics do. You know, you want to sound like a comic.

You want to be like a comic. And you end up doing little things like that where you're like, if you just took a step back, you'd go, probably best that I just take a knee for this one i tell you what's also mad and i really enjoy is when you've been going a while and you've turned material over when a comic that you respect goes hey why don't you do that bit anymore and you go oh yeah fucking class rummy who i run the ccc with talk did the tour show at the start um of the tour last year started in chester at my gig and um oh saturday the 10th of august by the way

the comedians club chester danny mack is closing it'll be a great bill dave longley barry dodds hayley ellis is comparing i'm away um but uh he went we i was i was saying like if i write a new bit for this tour i know i've started the tour i'll keep fiddling with it because with smasher the year before i really boxed it off through fear of like fucking any show up i sort of nailed it down really early almost before the start of the tour and just kept doing it and sharpening it but i didn't change much and with special i wanted wanted it to evolve a bit. And he did that thing of like, hey, well, why don't you do that bit?

It used to make me piss, and I'd completely forgotten it. Dropped a whole chunk, put that in, it flew. It never did anything but rip for the rest of the tour. I love it when people do that, because I forget bits of my own. Like, you just turned over so much. You're not going to library? No, I don't want it to library me.

So I didn't forget. I've got all the ideas in notebooks, but because I don't write things out word for word, there's no library like that. I haven't even got the notebooks. Oh, I've told Laura, if I die suddenly, burn all the notebooks. Because I don't want anyone being like,

I tell you what, we should publish some of this shit. Oh my my god he's a fucking moron and dyslexic and not funny you know if a comic if you've got a comic on a bill whatever that has maybe had a writer write all their bits or has bought some of their bigger sets do you look at them slightly different or is it just part of the kind of well there's not lot. The only people who really do it... Well, this is changing, actually. There was a Chortle article about this last week. But the only people who do it are arena-level comics who are busy.

So, like, if they're doing a lot of TV and hosting this and hosting that and doing the travel show, whatever, they get writers involved because they've got to keep touring to keep making proper money and to keep their fan base engaged. But they haven't really got time to write and be in the clubs and whatever.

I don't respect that as much as... I don't respect it at all, really. I think, you know, what we do is stand up at its best. It's the highest form of self-expression. Now, taking the odd line or taking a concept off someone and going, I'll run with that and change but writing full shows i just i just don't know like what are you doing and i think it's um it's a bit sort of sellout it's commercial and soulless it's not completely but i know that

there's three names i've got in my head of people I know have got writers for them and I don't know all of the comics that we've just mentioned in the last sort of five minutes I don't know one of them that would list one of those

as their favourite comedian so we don't need to name names we don't need to be twatty but the names in my head who are your favourite comics are not the guys who've got a team of writers

and it's no disrespect do what you do make your money whatever but like the self-expression thing is is so true now having said that there are some fucking brilliant comedians who have writers for thing i know i know the team that frankie ball used to use for um uh what do i mean mock the Week yeah all great comics and he used to just go hey these are what I need jokes on

this is how much I'll pay you for a joke and he was using Scottish comedians and paying them well and all of them were benefiting from that money

and that sort of like and they all went on to do well that's fine it's a TV show Finn Taylor with Finn versus the internet Horatio Gould

and Vittorio Angelone that's not the same as stand up it's not the same as stand show Finn Taylor with Finn vs the Internet Horatio Gould and Vittorio Angeloni that's not the same as stand up it's not the same as stand up I used when I did the Tez O'Clock show I got Danny McLaughlin to do a days writing with me

and I paid him 400 quid to come and sit with me all day and we wrote a load of jokes for the Tez O'Clock show and then they all got cut out I

on the subject like you sort of back catalog and stuff i had an idea the other night there's a lot of clips that i had go viral really early on at hot water and i don't own those clips because hot water own them i think i'm going to do like a three or four night run at the jacaranda or maybe like somewhere that looks a little bit better on camera in a couple of weeks and i'm gonna call it adam rose old stuff and all like my old bits that did really well i'm gonna refilm and re-put the clips out set up cameras as my own clips can i put my name forward for some stage time superb um i'm gonna do some really old bits film it three or four times pick the best one of

each and get them out on TikTok and Instagram and stuff and ahead of my special going out. And I seen the first edit of my, or a chunk of the first edit of my special the other day. And if Netflix don't want to buy that and that goes on YouTube, it is going to look like the biggest dick swing of all time because it looked better than anything on Netflix.

Nevermind anything on YouTube. It never mind anything on youtube it is absolutely absurd and the job will has done on it it's a fucking joke it's beautiful i love it i love mad because i've got a fucking absolute lumberjack at the start of your new look it like you said that though you said you'd like not look back and enjoy the look because you were it's not it's not that, though, because I don't hate it as much as I thought I would. But the big beard and the half-short, half-long hair, because it's just starting to grow out,

it's such a weird stage to have filmed a special in. I found it really funny because I'm like, that beard was an experiment that didn't pan out, and that hair was essentially six weeks into what is now a seven month growth and i just look i only looked like that for two days but now you'll look like that forever um it's uh come on netflix well we're gonna make it and give them it and go do you want this and if they don't want it then it goes on youtube and it'll either way it's going to be

the best thing i've ever put out it looks for it it's insane um i'm going to give you a choice here adam row would you like to do some x would you like to do some revenge stories or do you want to do a couple of have a words um i would like to do some x and if they don't go anywhere then we'll do some revenge stories you'll just see a mad jump. Nice. Send your icks in. I mean, I know, listen, they're essentially just whinging about the opposite sex or the people you want to bang,

but havewordpod at gmail.com if you're a patron. It's normally women mumbling about men having fun. So this is Chris Jones is the person. Like Christina, what's wrong, love?

Here's an ick. When Siri ignores my girlfriend's questions or requests to know just makes her look pathetic so i'll be honest with you i'm i use city and when city blanks you it is the most embarrassing thing in the world when you're like hey city there's a very best set of timer for 11 minutes and city's just like no yeah you do feel like the robots are laughing at you. Do you say please and thank you to Siri?

Do I say please and thank you to the fucking robot? Because I said please to my phone and Ellie like took the piss out before it.

Yeah, good. But what if they come alive in the future? She had a nick. Oh, had I said please, we'll leave him. What if they like,

I don't know. You think the robot overlords are going to remember some manners from 2024? If my phone comes at me, they'll go, that was the fella that said, what if they like I don't know you think the robot overlords are going to remind us of manners from 2024 if my phone comes at me they'll go that was the fella that said

please reroute yeah but he's also the fella who wanked in front of us they might have liked that they love it yeah yeah yeah my laptop is not yeah that's pathetic

no I don't I don't do it on purpose for that but I just say please hello please what time is it if I do and then he goes nah man do you do it on purpose for that, but I just say, please. Hello, please, what time is it? Thank you. And Siri goes, nah, mate.

Do you do it to the cooker as well? Please make my tea. Thank you. Hey, Siri, what is your plan for the human race? Get up to the mic. It says, hmm, I don't have an answer for that. Is there something else I can help with? Yeah.

Keeping it under wraps. Because it's bollocks. I'm not going there again. Carla Devine or Carla Davin, I don't know. Carla Devine. Got an ick story for you boys.

I was seeing a boy for a couple of weeks and it was going dead well. After one day, he told me that he did stand-up comedy. Oh, gee. And invited me to his next gig.

I turned up his open mic at the back of a cafe and watched him do okay in parts and stink the place up in others. The fella after him did really well, and I decided there and then that I'd lost all respect for him and cut it off the day after.

And that's from Carla, who sounds like a cold, cold bitch, but I totally agree with her. It's also worse that he's not the funniest in the room as well. Yeah, of course. I think that's the main... The thing that absolutely ended this was the next fella doing well like if he was just doing all right she might be like oh maybe this is just like what it's like at this little tiny

cafe gig but then someone going on afterwards and fucking storming it he looks like a little cook you've got to be great at any sort of performance or to take a date to your... Yeah, leave it. That instinct to take your family to all your first gigs and your mates, just go and do it on your own and get good and then show off about it. I talk a lot of people to my first gig. I know, but you do.

He talks to the first gig with them. I did my first gig in the hyena where I worked and all the staff, even if they were having a night off, came in to watch. I can't believe how much extra pressure I put on myself can you imagine how many people

would come if Carl was doing his first gig well it's going to be the 30,000 Patreon show arena baby erm I you love it

I would have to do it in the most secret thing ever I'd have to go to like Spain or something and your other family can come yeah there's no way

if anyone got wind of it it'd be like a Taylor Swift concert meet it would yeah nah fuck that I started seeing a girl after she was on a bad date and I was comparing

it was the Preston Frog and I got a message from her afterwards and she was like I was just sat there like with this date that was really boring just watching you

thinking it'd be so much more fun if I went on a date with him. That's how Paul and Laura got together, isn't it? That's absolutely great. That's a good line. Was that Laura? No, it wasn't.

It was a... It was a Faye? No. Oh, shit. Do you remember the lick the wall story? Oh, yeah. It was the lick the wall. Bitch, lick the wall.

She's funny. I swear to to god she licked the wall it was so funny she was great for about two months then scared the shit out of me and I ran Jessica Carter says just got a quick ick for you whilst we were sat at a cafe yesterday my husband waved at a steam train full of children who were waving back.

For context, we don't have children. Oh, fuck off, Jessica. If they wave first. If you wave first, that's weird. No, you can't. I love it. Like, be friendly to kids and wave to them when they're on the steam train. Fuck. Isn't it?

If they have to wave first, you can't be waving at strange children stare at them you look like you're beckoning them come here get off the train

ignore her I'm a very active paedophile that's in the trailer stupid cunt I wave at dogs you fucking love dogs Danny says

by the way do you know what itch me out from strangers you know when like they've got like a clearly friendly dog and you go to be friendly with it and they don't even acknowledge you and they just go come away like when they pull their dog away from you like without even acknowledging you do you know what i mean you ever gone to pet a dog and someone's like

come away john you're like no do you ask if you can pet the dog unbelievable John the dog. John the dog. Unbelievable. What's the... I'm not a dog owner. What's the etiquette with the dog thing? Because what we've taught Etta is don't shag dogs. And she's really struggling to get it. So we're potty training and bestiality training at the same time. And it's a nightmare. Etta, come away.

But the rod just needs to potty train. Because he fucks dogs. Yeah. Etta, come away. She's fucking that dog. The rod just needs to potty train. Because he fucks dogs? Yeah. All right, cool. Go on. We've said, because it's tempting for kids to be like, oh, a dog,

I want to go and stroke them. So we've told Etta to go up and go, can I pet your dog? Yeah. Is that right? That's absolutely right. Right. Yeah.

But I'm an adult man, man. Right? Can I pet your dog? Can I pet your dog? Can I pet your dog? Can I pet your dog? Right? And if the dog is, like, not, like, coming over to me,

then I will do a similar thing. Like, I'll be like, oh, is she all right? Can I have a little whatever? But if the dog's, like, really excited and coming over and, like, clearly happy. Your dog likes me more than you. I'll be like, hello. Hello, mate.

You know? And then when sometimes you go, hello, mate. And they go, come away, John. Get away from the man. Like, but then they don't look at you and go hello mate, and they go, come away, John, get away from the man. Like, but then they don't look at you and go, sorry, mate, like the dog's unfriendly or whatever. And often the dog clearly is friendly.

I wouldn't be like approaching if it wasn't. They just like, it's like you're fucking, ugh. Yeah, people are cunts. Yeah. I love when your dog's sound and you're a cunt. I love when kids go, can I stroke your dog? I'm like, you've got manners. They go, of course you can.

And then if I walk past a kid and they're like oh I will every single time stop and go do you want to stroke them always and they go yeah

and they'll look at the parents obviously to get their permission and you'll teach that little cunt manners you fat twat no they walk past and don't try but they're like

oh I can see the want to say hello because I'm trying I want Wallace to meet everybody like join the pull them away it's going to be a busy life for you yeah meet everybody. Like, pull him away. It's going to be a busy

life for you. Yeah, but it is. John, you pull him away. That's making the dog like, oh, that must be a bad thing.

Yeah. I want Wallace to go and meet kids and tall people and everything. I just wish I had to stop fucking him. Danny says,

Kids or tall people? Danny says, got a nick for you, Lids. Tall kids. My girlfriend only takes one photo when taking group photos

or photos of people that's psychopathic behaviour the correct way is to take 73 photos and pick the best one that can't be an ick though don't stop taking photos an ick

an ick Danny can we have sex tonight no no because you only took one photo at that fucking event no it's not right

I take photos when they're getting themselves ready yeah when they're getting in position because you will catch a candid one

take photo take so many that they're like that's a lot because they will be one with like that's sick it is a bit of a nick

when they can't work the phone though you know what I mean I just love it when people go can we have a selfie and then they go bah

and you're like yeah well done that was great when someone asks for the picture and then can't do the picture I just love it when people go, can we have a selfie? And then they go, bah! And you're like, yeah, well done, that was great. When someone asks for the picture and then can't do the picture. Take lots of photos, all angles, up, down, side, side. Be a good photographer, people respect them. Sophie says, here's a nick for you.

My boyfriend overly thanks people when driving. He'll thank people that haven't even really let him in and drivers that do let him through, he'll gesture so much that one time he made the car swerve. It's not that much, it's not needed, and it gives me such an ick. And that's from Sophie. Polite men. Eugh. No, come on. You do know what she

means. You do know what she means. Thank you, mate. Eugh. Disgusting you. If someone was there... No pussy for you. Thank you. Thank you. Thanks, Pete. Thanks, Pete. Thank you, mate. Disgusting, you. No pussy for you. Thank you. Thank you. Thanks, mate. Thanks, mate. Thank you.

No, you don't always make the sound, do you? I don't do any talking. I just use my hands. Thank you. Thank you. I sign language, thanks, just in case. Do you press the hazard lights? Yeah.

Oh, if someone lets me in and I'm in front of them. Hazards, three clicks off. Oh, I don't know three. Yeah, because otherwise it looks like you've done it by accident. It needs to look purposeful. Wow. I tried to flash someone the other day and my windscreen wipers, like the liquid, went up.

Nice. I don't think I should be allowed on the road. What's the one where they do left, right, left, right? Have you seen that one? I do that when I'm laughing at the person behind me because they've lost. Oh, right right because i think hazards is the thank you the left right left right so pissing it's fuck you haha i am in front of you and you tried la la la la la i do that every single time i get in the car so you i am in the car i would despise

me and when people don't do things to me that i know i wouldn't do for them i still get pissed off as me and when people don't do things to me that i know i wouldn't do for them i still get pissed off soz emily says last one of the ics emily says my boyfriend has a curfew where he has to come off the phone at 10 because he has a younger brother really makes me cringe when i hear his dad come into town to get off the phone yeah emily how old's your boyfriend? Is he 13? I think you're still on the house phone. Okay. I think she means like him being too loud rather than like... Get off the phone. Get off the landline.

I'm in the garden, lad. I'm out. You bang me. I don't care where you are. Get off the phone. Was that email sent from the late 90s? If he's like 18 plus, then yeah.

But if he's a young lad and he's had almost parents with a little... Maybe, yeah. I get it. But if he's a young lad and he's had almost parents, maybe yeah, I get it. But if he's like in his 30s. Laura signed up for the allotment. She's got it. Just a call back to yesterday's Patreon exclusive episode that we recorded.

It went out on Wednesday. And she's now an allotment owner. It's costing her five pounds a year. So we're just going to probably get it on Klarna. And the old boy who runs the allotment he's like the fucking the don of the allotments yeah um gave her a piece of paper went just call me you know when you've decided speak to your husband first because he was like no no you'll need to show him your husband will help you decide you know because he's 18 she can't decide but she didn't want to like rock the boat and then he possibly make

money he gave him he gave him and he just you landline not even with the the local area code just the six digit on a piece of paper and she was like how mad that wasn't the last time you saw someone do that and i was like it's vintage saw someone do that? And I was like, it's vintage. What'd you do? Do you ring her? Yeah, she rang it. But she knows the local call. It's just because it's around the corner. It's the same fucking village.

But I haven't seen anyone go, I'll tell you what, I'll give you my number. How many allotments has this guy got? I think he's in charge of the allotment. I think there's about 10, 12 allotments. So he's making 60 quid a year. I know. Do you go to the area, code in when you ring someone local? What?

Do you have to? I haven't used a household for that long. If I was ringing your house, I wouldn't put 0151, would I? No, but I've seen landline numbers. I've seen landline numbers written down. I haven't seen just the six digits, like old school, for fucking ages. Is that right?

When we were kids, if I was ringing yours, would I have to put a 151 no yeah i wouldn't because you're in my local area i don't you don't you don't have to at all if you're ringing out the area you do when i thought i was going fucking insane when i rang my grand it's six one six two three seven but when i rang my number one two five three seven two seven eight eight oh put your nan's number on the internet if I was watching this your nan's getting bailed now from where's she what the crematorium

oh she's dead oh is she dead I don't know of course his nan's dead he's 107 yeah miss me nan aww

shall I try and ring that number now? I told you I wanted to prank my Nan when she moved house. I didn't prank my Nan. I wanted to ring my Nan's old number to prank her. I pranked her and realised she'd taken her number with her.

Just pranked my Nan. Idiot. So sad. Idiot. You ringing your Nan? Put it on loudspeaker. Have you done 141? Oh, she's dead.

Because they're dead. They took her number with her. I'm going for lunch. I've really made myself feel sad there. Shall we have lunch? Yeah. Nans are great, aren't they? Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen.

Alex Brocken has joined us. Oh, good. We've been trying to sort this out for a while. And I may. We're so happy you're finally here. We were just chatting before we started recording again. Stee is absent because he's in Italy for a wedding and he's lost his suitcase.

I mean, he hasn't lost it. Lufthansa have fucking lost it for him. Yeah. I mean, yeah. The text is so passive aggressive. It's not like... What was the text? I feel like I'm so sorry.

Unfortunately, one piece of your baggage could not be loaded. For further information, please contact the baggage desk. Yeah. I'd be like, I'm so sorry we've lost your bag.

They're like, yeah, it's happened. You were saying your wife was putting air tags on your kids. Yeah, I'd be like, I'm so sorry we've lost your bag. They're like, yeah, it's happened. You were saying your wife was putting hair tags on your kids. Yeah, we've had them in the suit. We've had them in the luggage. The kids? Which obviously you don't want to lose. Some helmet?

Yeah. Heads on seats? I mean, look. We've had them in the luggage hair tags and then we put them on the kids' wrists in Disney in case we in case we missed them look it is better safe than sorry though

yeah Paris is a bit ropey as well so yeah I did after the Champions League final in 2006 I made a vow

never to go back into Paris you said that I made a very similar one in 2022 actually yeah I won't go for I've been back for like

where I've been to do like shows and stuff but I'll never go back for the sporting event like been back for like... I've been to do shows and stuff, but I'll never go back for the sporting event after the Champions League final. Who do you support? I'm an Arsenal fan, mate. Oh, yeah?

Oh, shit. Just remember I've got the Paralympics next month. I'm going back to Paralympics. Anyway, you can follow all the coverage on Channel 4. I'm never going back to Paralympics. Shit hole. Oh, shit. Sorry.

See you there soon. Arsenal? How's that happened, Arsenal? What's that? Are you a born and raised Arsenal fan? Yeah, pretty well. Say that. I'm from Croydon originally, so I should be a Palace fan.

But I wasn't into football until I was about 10. Oh, really? And then, like, my dad didn't support anyone. So, like, my nan was a Palace fan, but my stepdad, Keith, he was an Arsenal fan. Sounds like one. And, yeah, he kind of got me into it. What year are we talking, mate?

1993. Oh, yeah, so it's Ian Wright's fucking Arsenal. Yeah, I remember we played Sheffield Wednesday in the cup final. Didn't you play them in two cup finals? Yeah, we played them in the league cup final, but we played them in the first game of the cup final on my birthday. And I remember we were at my dad's for the weekend and I hated football.

And we watched it and it was nil-nil. And I remember going back to my mum and i remember we were at my dad's for the weekend and i hated football and we watched it and it was nil nil and i remember going back to my mum and complaining that that's what we've done with dad for our weekend i still fucking hate myself for it now it's the most scummy i fucking i just want to beat the shit out of myself and also feel for my old man because about two months later i was absolutely bagging to football. I was like, guess what, Dad? Mum's new fella's got me into football really fucking hard. I love when a guest brings up,

because when we talk about modern football, you turn off a bit because you're not really that arse, but any sort of early 90s footy. The night is into the noise. Obsessed. Sos. Obsessed. So good. Obsessed. I put this shirt on this morning and had a little moment thinking about

Gabriel Batistuta and fucking Edmundo. I guess it was like 98 Fiorentina team. Oh my God. Football Italia on a Sunday. All through my like, how old was I then? 13, 14, 15, 15 16 just the most important thing in my trans world sport yes you'd watch trans world sport even though you had no fucking idea

what most of the sports were do you remember trans world sport no it was on channel four i was just all dog shit but you were like this is the most important sport happening anywhere it was weird and then they'd have like weird highlights from like the bundles leaguer and shit. We're on sport. But you were like, this is the most important sport happening anywhere. Oh, yeah. It was weird and then they'd have like weird highlights from like the Bundesliga and stuff. Am I remembering that right?

They just, it would, it would honestly, it was like a fucking tombola of weird shit sports. Yeah. But they did it so well that you were just like captivated.

Yeah. That is what I feel like the Olympics is. Like when I watch the Olympics, I'm like, this is stuff that i would never watch like at any other time but then when it's on every four years like i'm like so invested in like water polo haven't thought about it since the last olympics i'm watching it now and i'm holy shit they're all so hench these geese is huge and they're just slamming it what should

they go in the canoe going down the rapids he's like oh i gotta get around this fucking thing shit they're all so hench these geese are huge and they're just slamming it what's the guy in the canoe going down the rapids he's like oh i gotta get around this fucking thing silver and you're like invested out of the gymnastics me is it simone biles there again yeah she didn't she wouldn't go she's ridiculous she did a tumble that was had never been seen before she can fly by a woman i've seen a tweet that i i really related to someone said i'm once again asking the olympic committee before every single event to just let a normal like normal person have a go with it so i can have a frame of reference as to how talented these athletes are i do think that would improve the view and like everything that they do like

pole vault like yeah we all know it's hard, but I want to see Harry do it so that I know exactly how hard it is. I might be great. You might be great. I just don't see it. I've said this before. Is the pole vault hard? It's all a pole, innit?

What do you mean? No. It's just a stick. But this is what I'm talking about. So now I want you to do it. That's like saying the javelin is just a stick. You say it's all the pole. I'm going to call it now. I'm not going to be able to do it. So's like saying the javelin is just the stick because it goes to the bottom. You say it's all the pole. I'm going to call it now.

I'm not going to be able to do it. So it's definitely not all the pole. Alex, you're just going, it's pole shit. Just letting you know. I'd have been able to do it otherwise. That's the fucking thing about the Paralympics.

All the sports have always gone, nah, I wouldn't be able to do that. And then you get a geezer with like less arms than me who shits out at it. Just makes me look bad. So Harry over there does a lot of our research. He's got here that you did Paralympic rifle shooting

for three months. Yeah. Is that right? Yeah, so when I was a journalist, I was sent down to go and cover. They basically had these open days, like, find new disabled people to... Well, obviously, if it's Paralympics.

Can't see ringers in it. But it was, like, find disabled people to troll the different sports and i went down to go and basically report on it but they said go and try them all and i was like okay and i've always been half decent at like table tennis so like not by your level but so people would think i couldn't hold the paddle but actually i've got like that pen grip so i'm actually not i was all right and i was like i'm gonna get in on this i looked on the internet it was like loads of people with worse hands than me doing i'm gonna get put in that group i'm gonna fucking clean up i'm gonna win gold um and they went and you get classified

and what your disability is they put me in with the geezers with one leg and in table tennis i'm gonna call it i don't think that's the biggest hindrance as opposed to the hands. So I remember playing this lad who had full hands, but the same leg as me. And he's like, all right, mate. I'm like, what the fuck is that? Looking like Forrest Gump, like knocking me all over the shop. I'm fascinated by the sort,

how the sort of Paralympian classifications, because it is, obviously there has to be some sort of scale to make it sort of like weighted in the right way but like that is just so obviously not the right way to do it if you've got a hand disability and it's just a guy who's got completely like regular hands do you know what i always respect him because he really didn't let up like he was like i want to get in here even when i was like 10 nil down he's seeing me as a threat and he's like i'm gonna i know i was livid i was absolutely i just i went off in a huff i was like

i'm gonna go home now i've got enough for this report and then the last thing i had to try was rifle shooting and i can honestly say it's the best i've ever been at anything straight away literally got this rifle first shot was like 10. Is it out of target or like clay pigeon? No, it's not pigeon. They're not giving someone with my hands a gun that you can move around. It's stuck in one place.

They ain't getting any insurance for that. It's literally held in one place and you just go down on the target and just ping a little air pellet at it. And I literally going like 10 10 and they got someone around and uh yeah they uh they they ended up like putting me into like the like basically the the development squad for the paralympics and i did that for like three months we've got to bear in mind with something like that it's an hour and a half of competition rifle shooting competition 60 shots and you just one after another repetition and to win you have to it's not just getting a 10 it's like 10 point something you get one shot that goes off you're completely

fucked so i was there like 49 shots i'm like 11 to go here we go just keep going what shank one for a six i'm like fucking like proper swearing through the rifle on the like on the desk come over i got a yellow card and i was like i don't i don't have the mentality for this i don't you get a yellow card yeah you got you got a car you've got a card because you're not meant to throw the the the guns the guns yeah which i think is probably fair enough there's harsh yellows but I think that was probably

that was Roy Keane Alfie Harlan it's the sort of one where they probably go it's probably more of an orange the red's when you actually shoot someone

with it you were in actual with a gun mate yeah with the clay pigeon shooting on him when we went on Paul Smith's second

I'm the pistol in Nashville yeah yeah I don't know why. I've never used one before, and I was like, oh, I can use this. Really good in the air with the clay pigeons and... Because you beat Phil, didn't you?

Or did Phil win? No, Phil beat me in the final. Yeah. But... So we went on the second one. But Phil grew up in Texas, so he grew up around guns. And he was classing it,

but then Carl was just like this absolute natural... Yeah, I was just like knocking... Like, there was two of them. And I was like, how i was like i'm doing this do you don't know you have the ability to do something like the rifle with you yeah but i i think mine was a lot easier than that it's literally it was on a stand it was at olympic level though well i mean development paralympic level i mean i was i was half decent i was half decent. The mad thing about that is I actually, I ditched it because this is, I've said this before,

it was really mad for me. I was around, I've never been around other disabled people before. So all of a sudden it was like, just fucking loads of them. It's like Narnia. It's fucking loads, all sorts going on.

And I'm like, I can't cope with this. This is, I was just like, it made me feel really self-conscious it made me feel really so it made me i was just like oh shit like i am really like i've always i've never really kind of grown up in like in that sort of world it's really weird you just you never basically i've never i kind of well it's mad considering the career i do now but i've never

kind of really traded off on being disabled. And then all of a sudden you're there with all of these, like, you know, they were calling each other like crips and stuff like that. I say, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are we up to here? This is the sort of shit that you get detention for. You can't be throwing that into the mixer all of a sudden. And it's like, you know, like little fucking funny hands over here. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

And anyway, i did i remember just finishing one day just going back up to going back up to leeds where i lived at the time i was like i'm done with it now and i literally just i was like i'm done uh and then a few years later i was doing a show for channel four and they took me back to the to the range for it and i hadn't picked up a rifle in like four years or no it it was longer than that, six years. And I went and hit like a nine and a 10 straight away and I was like, still got it. Still got it, but it was weird. I pride myself on being classed at table tennis

and I was devastated last week because we threw a charity fundraiser country music event. And of course we had a table tennis table there because they got hand in hand. And I was sort of bigging myself up all day. It's like, anyone wants to play me a table tennis, like I'll smoke you. And Gina, the girl who was helping me run it,

her family turned up and her brother and her cousin were like, I'll have you in a game. But by this point, I'd like lost five games of beer pong and was like rotten drunk. I still took them both to like 11-9. And I was like devastated that i lost both games so i

played two games of table tennis all day and lost both of them he beat us a beer pong as well didn't he yeah i remember we had a like in our sick form at school we had like a table tennis table in there and i used to be like half decent at it until my best mate realized that basically obviously i don't have the reach so if you just serve and it just goes just over the nail the game was absolutely gone they'd literally just think it and i'd be like ah you went to a mainstream school didn't you yeah yeah i didn't go to like what you'd call like they i mean i remember my mum wanted me to go to like a specialist disabled school my dad was like nah fuck that he's going to going to a regular school which is good i remember the first day at school i didn't go to like a private school just

went to like a an all boys school and um they had a swimming pool there it was it weren't like posh or anything but that's simple first lesson was swimming i was like fucking hell swimming on your first day as an 11 year old in a new school you're like this is unbelievable then the games teacher comes over brings out this like little kayak and he was like alex getting this and i was thinking he's doing it out of alphabetical order here this is fine then he stuck armbands on me and i was like it's fine i suppose then he didn't give me an oar and when he didn't give me an oar i was like something's fucking something might be up here and then i started to look around and i was thinking how they're getting gonna get another 30 kayaks

this is like an olympic size pool here and then basically because i didn't have an oar i was spinning in the wind and every 360 turn i'd see the other kids doing a swimming lesson at the other end oh no i remember thinking oh fuck i'm just stuck here and i remember trying to paddle trying to paddle my way down to the end of the pool and i was like fuck it i'll just accept my fate up here anyway one of the one of the lads down the other and went to the game teacher sir why is alex in a why is he in a car and he's like well you know obviously he's got his his arms and his legs and he can't swim and uh so uh you know we want him to feel involved so i put him in the kayak and he goes so i went to primary school

with him he can swim further than me he's got all the badges and this fucking games teacher comes running and you have never seen this geezer's arm even even in 95 he's thinking i'm getting cancelled here yeah he comes running up and he's i'm so sorry rips your armbands and he was like are you okay to get in he kind of chucked me in the pool but just to fuck about with him i kept my head under for a bit the mad thing about that is i'm sort of like when you like that geezer would have been cancelled now yeah i think i think it's fair i think he was trying to get me involved like that sort of stuff it's it's a it's a really sort of good example that of someone doing the wrong thing but trying to do like yeah that is coming from the right place but it is so awful when when he's got it wrong yeah i mean and it what like the arguments i suppose against them is just check just go up to you and go how are you with swimming

rather than just don't even need a chat get the boats you know what though i i look at these things i go if i if i saw me i'd be like fuck it let's just play it safe with the armbands and the kayak here because if you've been a teacher like i'm saying that i'd go fuck this i'm i'm not i'm not i'm not rolling the dice on this not day one of school i'm not i'm not just letting him go in i i'm okay yeah maybe you should have asked but i someone said to me how can you look on that story with such fondness i love it i think it's awesome and also that teacher he never questioned again what i could and couldn't do and got me into doing all of the sports and to be honest with you that fucked me over because cross country i wanted to get out of that because of my leg and he was just like no no no no no no you don't get to play the inspirational shit on

the first day and then get out across country a few weeks later. By the way, I've got my best leg on for you boys today. Have a look at this. This is my hairy leg. I noticed that when you came in. Mate, it's good, isn't it? It's proper. It's like, well.

How many legs do you have? Oh, I've got loads. I've got them in, you know, like people have trainers. I just have like, I just have them in the trainer ready to go. But this is like my best one. i got this one a few years ago i only bring it out when it's like a bit of sun obviously it doesn't change color really so it's kind of doesn't really match after a bit it's got like hairs and fucking moles and have you got a favorite leg because i've got favorite shoes i'd say this is i'd say this is up there my favorite it's heavy though it's a heavy one they built a calf into it

they asked me if i wanted to tattoo put on it because they say people lose legs and they go ah you know you had a tattoo on it before we'll fade it into you just want to try one out i was really tempted to get like a cannon put on the car even on a fake leg that is a privilege though that you have that no one else does like if i get a tattoo I have got that tattoo forever. You could get that tattoo and then change your mind. 100%. If I ever want to get one, I'm going to try it out and see, give it a little test drive.

Get rings with development underneath. The only thing about this is that I don't really know where they got the hairs from. And it's one of those things, you know you don't want to know. Yeah. You don't like meat in a kebab. You don't know where it's come from, but you still enjoy it. And if you did know, then it would ruin it for you.

And I feel like that with this is... Yeah, you don't want to know how the sausage gets made at all. I thought they were drawn on. So did I. I thought they were like half like the patty. No, you can have a little... That's actual. You can have a little rub on it later on if you want.

I'll have a little that's actually you have a little rub on it later on if you want um harry's research here and i'm so glad that he's done so much of this like it it says that you were born with the the problems with your hands but this was not not a born in problem you twisted your knee uh no that's like so uh i was born i was born with basically my hands are like hands were like fused together. Yeah. So they kind of got split so I could have grip and stuff like that. I remember just, I got given an operation to have an opposable thumb. So grip in 1993.

And I remember thinking at the time, this is a lot of effort just to be able to hold a fucking pen. And believe me, when I discovered porn i was like fucking hell tell me the world oh mate it was it was it was a it was a life changer but yeah i was born i was born with my hands like this with my leg so i was born with with both feet um but without like it's even tibia or fibula. One of the long bones, basically, I didn't have. And they were like, look, he's either going to, you know, you can keep it like this or he's never going to really be able to walk in it. So you're better off fucking having it off. Oh, wow.

Okay. So they had it off when I was 30 months old. I always say to my mum about like, that must have been a tough decision. She was always like, nah, didn't have to think twice I can leave straight away like I knew he came in and he gave us a choice I said nah just just take it off and like obviously you always go that's fair enough your mum's nails you see how long it takes that woman to order in a restaurant like you fucking see she's the most indecisive woman on anything lunch what you're gonna have in your sandwich i don't know but with a fucking leg nah straight away let's have it off and i

got given some photos from great ormond street she sent me them and uh in it i'm stood up and i was like i look pretty fucking all right and she's like yeah it's a weird one that photo and that was it she walks off it's a weird one just doesn't want to discuss it you you mentioned before like having an affinity to that story and like other people questioning i i don't know whether i've told this one on the podcast before but i've i've definitely done stand-up about this story so like obviously i was born with like a a bad left eye like a a droopy eyelid and then a turn in it and stuff and my mom always like really heavily protected me from like bullies and stuff she was like there's nothing wrong with your eye it's it's special it's it's different but

that's not a bad thing that was always her message to me right and i got there was one night where i got a real glimpse of her like real attitude towards it and i don't hate the story i actually really like it so we i'd ask my mom if a couple of my friends could come and stay and camp in the back garden so we'd put a tent up and have like a camping night in our garden and she was like yeah and we were just being little bastards so i must have been about like 11 12 years old there was a guy in our street who was like a smack head. He's like a drug addict. And him and his wife were both smack heads.

And they had like six or seven kids. And they were, you know, they never did any harm to anyone. Like they just, they were drug addicts who had their kids and everyone knew who they were. But he would do anything if you gave him some money. He would go and get you stuff and whatever. So we, like once we got to a certain age and we wanted alcohol, but we didn't want our parents to know we were drinking,

we would give Tony the money to go to the off-license. As long as you gave him an extra few quid for him to sort of put towards his habit, he'd just go to the off-license for you. So he went and got us loads of like frosty jack white cider and me and three of my mates are drinking in the in the tent right now all my mates knew about me i'd obviously it's it's there and they'd seen it and it was a lot worse when i was a kid as well and uh but but they'd never seen me asleep now one of the the issues i have with my eye is one of the

operations i have when a kid they when i was a kid they took a muscle out the top of my right leg and put it in my left eyelid to try and equalize the strength of the muscles in my face. And that means when I go to sleep, my left eye stays ajar. It stays like sort of open, even when I'm fast asleep. And that night I'd had like a full, like three liters of cider and I pass out. But like my left eye stays open. And for the first time, my three mates, it were also 12 year olds and now drunk. eye stays open and for the first time my three mates it were also 12 year olds and now drunk they see me asleep for the first time and me mate tom

thought i was dead right so he this is a true story so he he shits himself they're trying to wake me up but i've i've had three liters of fucking white cider i'm out for the count so they're panicking me my other two mates, Adam and Bernard, stay in the tent and they're trying to wake me up and Tom goes to wake me mum up. He's banging fuck out of the back door

and me mum comes to the door but she's an alcoholic so she's also drunk and she's just been woken from like a fucking drunken sleep and Thomas is like panicking but by this stage, I'm awake.

Me mates have woken me up in the tent but Tom who's at the door my mom doesn't know i'm awake so he's going i don't know i was to tell you this but here's what's happened guys we've camped in the back garden and we've got tony the smackhead to go and get us some cider and your adam's had too much of it and i don't really know how to tell you this but he's fucking dead and my mom shits herself and she goes what do you mean he's fucking dead and tom goes well he's he's dead and he's on his back and we're slapping his face he's not waking up but his his left eye is open and that's

what dead people look like isn't it i mean mom i heard the relief in her voice she goes oh don't worry about that that's just a stupid fucking eye yeah that's a hundred percent true story and that's the only time in an entire life that i got like an actual glimpse of her like not being like the patronized and it's a special lovely eye like that was a what do i also like it's not very often i get this and i certainly didn't expect it today but you've had a bit of work done haven't you like yeah when you were telling me about like a muscle going from your leg into your heart i was like fuck me that's a big bit of work isn't it that's even i'm like jesus that's a big operation i had three operations where they just stitched my eyelid to my face and i thought that

that would just equalize it but they were dissolvable stitches so when they dissolved it just like it it sort of fell back down again it didn't last very long so the fourth operation they took a muscle i've still got the scar there. You can see it if you're close enough. They took a muscle out the top of my right leg and put it in my left eyelid. And during that operation, as my eye was open, I woke up and I've still got like a really vivid memory now

of just this surgeon just putting the anaesthetic mask back over my face to send me back to sleep. The mask, I still wouldn't, I wouldn't have it as an adult. Even if they offered me it now, I'd go, fuck that. It's fucking horrible. Do they still use it?

Because I remember that's the scariest bit of the dentist. Yeah. It was that awful taste. I fought against it, you know, when I was like a teenager. So you're meant to go count down from 10 and go to sleep. I was that scared of dentists that I fought against it. And it put me in some weird like limbo and they had to give me like an injection to wake me up because

i was like no i don't want to go to sleep because i was scared of it but it was it was the worst feeling it's like it's like sleep paralysis kind of place you have to like inject i remember losing losing it and trying to fight them off and being pinned down and then that being put in you're like that is so traumatic i was like stop fighting you're like oh this can't be good no the oldest i was when i had any operation though i was four so i was so young that i didn't know to be scared of it do you know what i mean i think i think that's exactly uh like whenever anybody goes oh it must have been awful in that i was like no i just saw it as like a trip trip up to london i'd always get given shit yeah sweets you were you i wasn't being taken away in

a van but yeah i'd always get given stuff so i didn't i never saw it as as kind of like traumatic and whenever anybody was going oh it must have been bad like losing football i don't know any different yeah like i only knew only i don't know any of the like recovery i don't know any of the pain with it because i just got up one day and then that was it and i've been like that how old were you when it 13 months old my mum gave me my first leg and she'd had it she'd kept it all she kept it and she was like i want you to have it and i was like ass all right and and she it had like a little strap on the top and it was around about christmas time and i just thought fuck it so i just wrapped it in fairy lights and i'm on the tree it's a pretty fucked up christmas

decoration i'm sure my kids will speak to a professional about it one day but it is what it is dan's been circumcised as well, so, you know. A lot of explanations. I've been there, guys. Lost the end of his willy. It would have been nice to have someone explain what was going on, but, you know, you're just going to sleep now and you're going to wake up with a different dick.

Cool. It's not a different dick. I was eight years old. I was seven or eight years old. Why don't we take one you said put a new one on yeah I got a Peruvian guy's dick oh you were 8

so you were it was like the French exchange but for my dick no one explained what was going on I was I wasn't a baby I was like 7 or 8 years old

and no no one thought hey we'll give him like a little pep talk about his dick so it was you know

I'm not trying to compete it was weird it was weird waking up going this doesn't seem good i'd rather have my dick and my eye than your dick and your eyes though i don't know because your eye even remotely i'd rather not had anything done to my dick like that was one of the things i was like i'm so glad that this is all right you know when you when you like you're like it's all four limbs and you're like fuck this could have been but i remember when i was 14 my mate john turned around and said to us uh we were in music and he turned and he said to us he was telling a story about being basically he's like oh my dad walked in and i

just like had a wank the other day and i was like, oh my God, did he see it? And he went, nah, luckily for me, it hit the ceiling. I never questioned that story. And I believe there was something wrong with the power of my jizz for years. Absolutely years. And I used to think that. Have you never like shot it now? But not to the ceiling. No, I'm gone.

No. Fucking Jepa Bell jizz. I don't know whether I've ever hit the ceiling, but I think it's got close. What? I think I've hit like light bulb level. That's on the ceiling? Yeah, it's not though, is it?

It's supposed to fall below. From the top bunk. No. Do you aim it? You aim it towards you, don't you? Not towards you, but like... I do now. I've come in my own eye.

I've told you that before. That's not what happened. But I have done that before. You say your lie was different when you were younger. Yeah. Like, I remember remembering it in school and it feels like it's gone now. Because I see you that often and it's not a thing at all.

Well, it isn't gone because I notice it so much still. Yeah. Like, I'm so conscious of it. And, like, it's something that I didn't realize how conscious of it. I was until again, about a month ago in therapy. Oh really? Yeah.

Where I was like, she, cause I, I haven't spoken about this much on the podcast, but I got a scan nearly two, just over two years ago now for MS. Right. I convinced myself I had multiple cirrhosis

because uh just anxiety got the better of me and i suffer with hypochondria and i'm always worried about my health and i had these symptoms where i had like this constant urge to swallow and a really bad brain fog and struggling to articulate my thoughts and i googled it and it's basically like you've got fucking multiple cirrhosis so it it played on my mind for so long and in the end i just went private, paid a lot of money for the scan. And the fellow was like, you're drinking a bit too much and you're anxious.

And that's what it is. But the symptoms on stage have not completely gone away. And when I like struggle to articulate my thoughts, especially when I'm doing crowd work or like when I've got like this constant urge to swallow my saliva, it can really fuck up your rhythm and your delivery and stuff. And I spoke to my therapist about it and she was like,

it definitely sounds like extreme anxiety, but what are you anxious about? That's what we need to get to the root of. And she sort of, because she was like, it's not to do with your ability, because I know you're very confident in your thing. You have no imposter syndrome. You don't like, you know, you belong belong on stage you feel very comfortable there but what

is it and she she thinks I agree with her that it's about my appearance because I'm so conscious of like and I think it's because more and more the reason it's affecting me more now than it used to is more and more stand-up gets filmed everything gets filmed and everything takes photographs and i'm so conscious like i pose in a very deliberate angles in photographs to sort of mask my eye as much as possible like i if you look at every photograph of me if i get a choice of how i pose i'm on this side of a group and if i'm in the middle even better but i i'll tilt my face that way because this eye being like sort of smaller makes more sense if it's closer to the camera because it will then look bigger on the show.

And I know how to equalise it. But in a room of however many people on camera, I can't control where a picture or a video is being taken from. And subconsciously, I think I'm bothered and worried about it. If this episode isn't sponsored by BetterHelp, it's a fucking missed opportunity. This is the most inspirational episode of this podcast I've ever heard.

I don't know what's happened. 100%, yeah. I don't know what's happened today, mate. Even the first bit was just all like nice chat. We'll talk about pussies and stuff in, nice chat. I don't know what's that real talk about pussies and stuff in the bit with Bambi. But I don't know, I've never really been, like... I think I must have been when I was a kid.

The weird thing about getting on telly is people stare at... Like, I'm used to people staring at me, so if someone recognises me... I remember being in Euston Station with Josh Riddick and we were going through and he was like... There were loads of people staring at us and he was getting really self-conscious I was like fuck it just just imagine they're staring at my hands and he was like oh god I feel so much better now but you do like and I

like I don't know because sometimes someone will look at you yeah and I've still got that thing from my mum just being like take a picture of him do you know I mean that sort of thing she'd like hold me up like fucking Simba in Tesco's and it'd be like go on and take a picture of him. Do you know what I mean? That sort of thing. She'd hold me up like fucking Simba in Tesco. And it'd be like, go on then, take a picture. And back then, there weren't cameras. Now, people probably would actually, can I? Yeah, yeah. That's good.

This would do numbers on Instagram. But it was like, I've never felt self-conscious. Even now, I went to Baku to the Europa League final like five years ago. And I remember, I could only assume that in Azerbaijan, they don't have a lot of disabled people. Because that's the last time where people genuinely looked at me and they were like, what the fuck is that?

There it was. Like, we were walking down this square. And first of all, you think, ah, obviously it's just because we're football fans. But it's not. It was a while when I realised. There was a geezer who was in the cafe having a coffee with his mate and he genuinely i clocked him turned his mate's head to look at me like that bit in jurassic park when they see the dinosaur for the first time it's really out of order that he did this song as well mate and I'm like look

go on you can't there's one other thing I'm desperate to talk to you about go on because a couple of years ago I I

my the agent I had at the time left the industry right and went to work and we've stayed friends and he's a great guy but I didn't sign him

as another manager right and a lot of my sort of followers and stuff they're constantly on me they're like when are you going to be on taskmaster when you're going to be on would i lie to you when you're going to be on this that and the other right and i there's certain tv shows that i would really love to do but i don't i just don't want to give a manager 20 to my earnings to push me onto these two or three shows that i give a shit about there's one thing that

you've done that i am so jealous of and would give absolutely anything to do and it's soccer day. And I believe you're the first disabled person to play at soccer day ever. But I want to know what that's like, what the training camp's like, what the game's like, because that is a bucket list career goal of mine.

That first touch, by the way, was... Oh my God, yeah. Oh my God. It was so good. Every year, every year, I'll do something mint on like the first day of training and then basically that's it for the whole week and it's a it does enough numbers to get me there that that done like really good numbers for him so it'll get me in there hopefully again next year mate is

it was one of those things where i watched soccer before it was one of the things where i watched it before i went on telly yeah and i was like that would be amazing but i just never imagined that they'd ever asked me to do it and then when that when they did it was just it's just unbelievable it's like a with footballers yeah you're there and you go and train and like you go and have a drink after and it's just awesome you're doing like karaoke in the evening and and you just you know where do you train alex where do you where do you go and do the training it's a champagne's in tring and it's like you're at a spa so like we basically take over like most most of like the hotel and you've got like the training pitches and stuff

like that and it's like and you properly like it's a glimpse into what it's like to be a footballer going you do training like i'll go waddle about for like 15 minutes and then I'll go and get a massage. I've done fuck all to deserve a massage, but I can get one. See you there. I've got the ice boot on my real leg, just going, better look after the real one,

isn't it? Do you know what I mean? I'm there. And it is just, honestly, man, it is the best thing I do comfortably all year. Who are the players that you've been on the pitch with where you've gone, fucking hell, I'm on the pitch with? The first year they stuck me on the right wing,

which I'm going to be honest with you, if I was a manager looking at me, I would suggest that I probably won't be able to get up and down. But they stuck me on the right wing and I had Roberto Carlos in front of me. By the way, Roberto Carlos is the nicest. He doesn't speak a lot of English, but there was one thing in the first year

where we were playing head tennis and I fell over in the middle of the head tennis. We'd already won I think it was me Jamie Carragher Mark Wright and Teddy Sheringham and we'd won the head tennis we got further than anyone else I was doing mint and I think there was a moment I realized I was actually holding my own and I just fall over for no reason Roberto Carlos sees this clip and he just comes up to me one day shows me it pisses himself laughing and walks off and on the day of the game he was going up to other people and he was getting me and he's going sham phone and i knew what he

meant so i remember showing dibbital burbatov his clip of me falling over and roberto collins pissed himself again walked off and burbatov just went he's a bastard isn't it and honestly if roberto carlos ever saw you've been framed he would lose his shit he would binge watch the shit out of it because that's what it seems like that's really in his wheelhouse like a bit of misfortune but i'd roberto carlos and he played the first eight minutes and then he come off and then they put Ever on. And I mean, the geezer could still play. I mean, it's absolutely ridiculous.

This year, I went through him, actually. There was a thing where I thought the ball was still in play and I didn't realise the whistle had gone because I dribbled it off myself. And I lunged for a tackle and absolutely crunched him. The worst thing for me is with the leg. I've got to be careful with it because i can't point my foot down so i'm always studs up even if i don't mean to by nature of it i'm always studs up and it looks fucking awful this this i mean if the if the book is a shocker out of watching i'd love to do it and what i'm about to say is not going to get me any closer to it

i have this fantasy of one year getting asked to do it and being put on the opposite team it's like boris johnson and i get subbed on and immediately off the ball going two foot and through the knees take the straight red and walk straight off the pitch i think i think it's nice to have a dream to do something for about a minute yeah that's it that's all i want it is good though it's the best thing every every year and like this year also like just the party afters this year was awesome i had this idea that like i was gonna get people to drink out my leg and i forgot in my regular leg there's a there's an air hole in the bottom of it so i couldn't figure out where all the beer was going before people were chugging it. Danny Dyer had a go on it. I've got this amazing video of Danny Dyer dancing to Like A Prayer.

Like A Prayer comes on, and there's Danny Dyer holding my leg, dancing to it. Just does a chug out of it, and then hands it back. And you go, the next morning I woke up, I was like, that is like, obviously it's amazing,

like getting married and having kids, but I'd say that's up there, one of the great moments of my life. go if somebody had said to me look you can have the two feet or lose one this happens when you're 40 i'd go take that prick off now fucking have it and i genuinely your mom knew your mom knew mom knew he's paid off mate it's paid off i knew straight away danny died to be drinking out of that one day i didn't even have to think twice about that i always think that about when i'd never understand where when people would say oh like simple give me sympathy and that's like no this is fucking awesome have you ever been to

disney and not being disabled i wouldn't go it's the greatest place on earth to be disabled no fucking cues you get your own little bit in the parade my kids were there they were basically like front row for everything and we went to the very when we went to disney the kids had their little uh monitors on um but i remember my wife's like let's use the disability pass let's get it and i went no fucking way i'm not doing that i'm not playing i'm not doing that we'll queue up like everyone else we get there it's baking up first riders like the carousel i'm not using it love i'm not doing it she's like go on just use it for this look the kids are hot i was like oh go on then so we get in the queue and i was like this is embarrassing because there's so many people

queuing up i was like i can't cope with this everyone's looking anyway i clock this geezer in the queue look over and he makes eye contact with me he's like like proper disgust and i'm so childish and immature and i have such siege mentality that in that split second of looking at this bloke looking at me like i was some sort of prick, I reveled in it. So we get the kids on and we're like, right, what are we going on next? I went, no, no, no, girls, let's go back on here. And we go back on.

I look over at this geezer and I just smile. I went, wanker. Went back on with my kids about four times and he was edging closer like two people at a time. And that's my mentality. And I'll tell you what, it was... Oh, telly's just gone on. Oh, that's weird. Maybe someone's turned it on out there.

Oh, yeah, maybe. But, yeah, that's my childish mentality and it is mint. I got shouted at by a Scottish man for having a fast pass at Sion Park in Tenerife a few weeks ago. I was in Tenerife for a week, went to the water park. And I bought the all-inclusive for it because I thought, I've got all-inclusive at my hotel.

I want to go to the water park for the whole day. Just be able to get a beer and food whenever I want and stuff. And it included unlimited fast pass for all the rides. And I'm stood. I asked one of the people who work there for directions to a specific ride, and there's this Scottish fella and his son, and the Scottish fella starts shouting at the fella who just helped me with directions,

and he's like, you shouldn't allow this many people in. This is too many people. I've paid to come in here, and I'm having to queue half an hour for every ride, and I went, mate, I'll tell you what, this fast pass, it's like 30 quid or 25 euros or whatever i said it's fucking worth it though you know you'll be on every single one in about 15 minutes and then he turned on me and he's like

no it's people like you with this fast pass who's fucking making it impossible to enjoy me day it's ridiculous i've already paid to get in i don't want to pay more and i was like mate there's an option to go and skip every queue and you're just choosing not to take it you do feel like a bit of a tory though on the fast pass track a little bit you do don't and I was like, mate, there's an option to go and skip every queue and you're just choosing not to take it. You do feel like a bit of a Tory though on the fast pass track. A little bit. You do, don't you?

I'll be honest with you, I turn my nose up at the people with the fast pass. Cool. Well, I'm going to make me feel better about having it

when I two footballers Johnson at Soccer League 2028. Okay. I'm like, I've got this naturally. Shall we have a quick break? Yes. And we're back.

What part is it, Adam? I can't remember. It's 404. For everyone with OCD. Now, we have got the Room 102 feature that has been working a treat with guests alex um have you got anything that you want to be put into the abyss forever i've got a couple of things um the first one just in the lead up to the football season and i think it needs to be stamped out

and it was getting worse last year i saw it in the euros there's got to be a fucking age limit put in place by stewards and people holding up signs asking for shirts like you cannot like a kid i get it no it's not even a kid you don't even have any kids no signs of the match they go can i have your clothes please no carl i don't give a fuck how old you are it's different asking for a player's shirt and asking for his jeans isn't it can I have your jeans please

from the changes it's different now isn't it yeah one's like weird one's kind of like isn't it kind of cute I don't know it's their clothes it's

no it is can I I am eight have you just done a shift in being cute can I have your no no

can I ask no one's ever sang the name of somebody who works No, it is. I am eight. Have you just done a shift in B&Q? Can I have your B&Q? No. Can I have your B&Q? No one's ever sang the name of somebody who works in B&Q. I sang my name. John, can I have your apron? Yes. No, I hate it all. It's horrible. Okay.

Because it's the parents who push it as well. There's no way. No. But I think there's a lot. I've seen a lot of kids, which I know you hate, but there's also more adults doing it. Yeah, the adults should be shot. Yeah, the adults are always.

And there was a sign, I saw some geezer holding a sign during the Euros, and it was like, Harry Kane, H. Kane, can I have your shirt, please? And I just thought, you look like a nonce. Yeah. This is fucking weird. It's like, why would you have it? Also, the other thing is, sometimes,, why would you have it? Also, the other thing is,

sometimes, and I know you don't like this, but with the kids, they get the shirt and they put it on and it's all too big for them and it's like, it's kind of cute.

Yeah. If I got Bakaya Saka's shirt on and I just had to put it on, it's literally going to look like a boob tube. I would just, I don't see, I don't see the point.

I don't think you should be allowed signs in a ground. Fucked. Unless it in a ground. Fact. Unless it's a banner. Unless it's a Taylor Swift show. As an adult, what sign are you taking that doesn't make you look like a bad twat? I've took flags and banners.

No, no, no, no. You haven't got home, done an arts and crafts session, writing out wording to then be like, you haven't ripped up a walker's boxing row i love you trent and then took it the match have you trent you're great you're a man i look up to you you're my favorite nine-year-old at what age 32 i think 12 and under is fine but if you're there you're right fine. But if you're there, you're right, as an adult, if you're there colouring it in, trying to keep it within the lines,

you're like, that is... Well, a few years ago, I made up the fucking reds using three different bed sheets. That was for the final, I won it, and it was a banner. Yeah. It was a banner. Then you then attached to something and left it alone. You didn't stand at any point in the middle of a stadium going,

now it's up at the Olympia to watch the match on the telly. That's fine. That's fine. Yeah, I agree with the science. I don't mind the flags. I don't mind that. With the England flags and the bring back finger in from the Sheffield United fans.

Do you like that though? I don't mind it. They're away day. They've got a flag. They don't support a team that's ever in the Champions League. They're from Mansfield town. They want to go to fucking Europe and be nonces.

And fine. Have the flags out and be like, yeah. It's fine. It's fine. It's not the same as writing. This is what I think. Could you do this?

Fuck off. I took a sugar-shown O'Malley flag that I made to Abu Dhabi. And it was just them because I was like, I love you. It wasn't like, can I have your pants? Can I have your pants? You're born, can I have your pants? It was like, because I was like I love you it wasn't like can I have your pants can I have your pants

you're born can I have your pants it was like you're sick and I want you to see in the NFL the defense a big D

and then a little sign of offense you fucking hack bore off it's not your joke it was done 40 years ago I'm gonna make it Carol make it

make it Graham defense fucking idiots Carolol and graham there carol and graham yes from the south so i could have could be true you get my vote on this because i think they should all go in i i think 12 and under is fine i think once you're into your teens you can't i think that's fair i think as a grown adult you should get like one of those bands they give to like people like who like have as a grown adult, you should get like one of those bans they give to like people who like have a row inside the ground.

You should get like a ban in order. Yeah. From all grounds, all football for like five fucking years. There's a test. You take your lad. Yeah. Vinny's 10. Go on again, lad.

Can't wait. Yeah. I get you one tens on. Dad, I'm just going to go and grab the, can I have your shirt? Can you dog me sign? Go on, son. Yeah.

We're going to a legends game, aren't we? go no you're not taking that you'd let him take it no i wouldn't know there you go but like that's because i'm i'm better than some other people and i don't i don't hold everyone else to my standards if you're a footballer would you be a shirt swapper? Because Alex Ferguson famously wouldn't. It's not a euphemism. It's not a euphemism. It's difficult in the modern game to come out as a shirt swapper.

It's us making it up. It's the secret shirt swapper that no one knows who it is. Would you, at the end of a, like a European game or an international game, would you do the... Yes. Absolutely.

And I would run over to the person and go, I want it. Fergie bandit at United and Keane as the enforcer also enforced that. I remember seeing a video

of Javier Zanetti and he had all the shirts he's collected over and it just looked awesome. Yeah. By the way, if you played against Zanetti, that would be the shirts he's collected over and it just looked awesome yeah by the way if you played against Zanetti that would be a foot that would be one of the first players you'd go and get like if you played that like late night is into Milan team oh absolutely yeah

I'd be one of those I wouldn't I'd have no shame I'd be like they want your shirt was it PK who was playing EA Sports when they unpacked something? I think they unpacked Messi or someone like that. No? They were playing EA Sports. Oh, I don't know. Mum have unpacked a Messi on EA Sports. And he actually had the shirt in the background. Oh, really?

Yeah. Go on, give me the right terminology because I've packed. On FIFA. You pack. I don't play. Have you seen the one with... Sports game?

You sound like someone's grandad talking about big guns. I sound like a fed. Tell him. I sound like a fed. He's just unpacked

a Lionel Messi on his EA Sports console game. You fucking rats. Have you seen the one with the Sam Aranese player that swapped with Rooney?

Oh, yeah. And Rooney claimed that he still had the Sam Marino shirt. He never posted the photo. Well, the Sam Aranese player that swapped with Rooney. Oh, yeah. And Rooney claimed that he still had the San Marino shirt. He never posted the photo. Well, the San Maranese player replied, didn't he, on Twitter? Yeah. He said, oh, boss. Yeah, he had Rooney's shirt. But if you were Rooney, would you keep the San Marino?

No, you'd have a clear out. It'd be in a charity shop in Alderley Edge. Absolutely. No, San Marino would be a class one to have. It'd be the bottom of the pile no it wouldn't because it's like

you can't get that anywhere you could get a Madrid top and put fucking Zidane on the back you can't get a San Marino top and put fucking John on the

back can you but it's not it's not making it onto the wall at the very least you're getting in what a drawer yeah

a bag I wouldn't even get it out the bag of San Marino you just have old kit and you're like oh fuck I forgot about that

it's got mouldy he wears it for painting You can get it out the bag of San Marino. You just have old kit and you're like, oh, fuck, I forgot about that. It's got mouldy. He wears it for painting. I never feel like I smell more like BO than when I've got a football top on, by the way. I think it's because... Can I do a check? You need to get yourself right with Jesus. No, you're fine.

You're fine. Just a little bit of masculinity I can sniff oh yeah that was it that's why I've got an erection I think that passes yeah yes well done there you go

have you got any more confetti I just think it's fucking shit it's just messy it never looks good in the photos the bride and groom just get covered in it i'll be honest

if it doesn't play to my strengths like i've been the last one i went to someone was like oh everyone take like a handful and they went to me oh even you alex and then i get like a fucking pinch and fucking sprinkling the bride like salt bae. Do you know what I mean? And I just... Like salt bae? Why have I just seasoned my mate? And I know, obviously, that's a problem that's obviously unique to me. But in the grand scheme of things,

even if I had big hands, I'd go, this is fucking crap. I think confetti's shite. Confetti cannons, though. Yeah, I was about to say, in cannon form. Now, we're talking a different ball game altogether. Now, confetti cannons, I'm all for. Give everyone one of them, and if you're going to do it, do it. I think there should be, like for big events,

actual confetti cannons. Do you know what I mean? Like fucking, like on a pirate ship. Like a fucking big... You like the fuse pirate ship like a fucking big you like the fuse you like the fuse and blow Nana

into next week that I'm on board with but yeah just like flicking a little bit of fucking shitty multicoloured paper some churches

don't like you using confetti because it gets stuck to the graveyard or whatever so they basically give you like seeds or something

it looks too full the graveyard looks fucking amazing it's like So they basically give you seeds or something? It looks too full. The grenade jar looks fucking amazing. It's like covered in pink confetti. Yeah, that's good to eat. You can't use rice because it kills the pigeons. Yeah, it makes them blow up, doesn't it? What?

If you feed pigeons rice, it makes them explode. That's it. Do you not know this? No. This is my favourite fact. Are we talking like cooked rice or just dry? Any rice. Any rice.

That's why there's no Chinese pigeons. That might be a fact. That might be a fact. That should be the name of this podcast, by the way. That might be a fact. Now I'm thinking, I've never seen a Chinese pigeon. Wow. Was there any pigeons in Japan? Yeah.

But they were prettier. They were sexy pigeons, is that what you're saying? No, they were like black and white ones and stuff. How do you know it's a pigeon it's a magpie you've never seen a white pigeon before that's a dove have you never seen a white pigeon before do you think all birds are pigeons

so have you just seen a load of doves I'm gone god those pigeons are gorgeous aren't they you've never seen a white pigeon have you never seen a multicoloured talking pigeon they're so magical what's the national anthem of America?

The bald pigeon. No. You've not enjoyed that. No, lad. Those multicolored pigeons, the pirates have class. Can we go back to rice kills pigeons? Yeah. Thank you.

It does, yeah. If pigeons eat rice, they explode on the spot. What? It's not on the spot. But, like, if you put... Can you get this up on the telly? Is that possible? So the next question is...

So it expands in the stomach. So the next question is, do you want to get some rice? It's like Mentos and Diet Coke. Yeah, it expands in the stomach and makes them explode. Do you reckon they know? No. Does he still eat it? He's not quite makes them explode. Do you reckon they know? No. Does he still eat it? He's not quite.

So if you went out with a load of rice now, a load of pigeons would come after it like it was, there wouldn't be one pigeon going, whoa, you know. It depends what they've seen. Like I reckon if they've seen, like if that's how they lost their grandmum. Yeah. You know what I mean?

They'd be like, oh, I'm not falling for that myself. Oh, you fucking myth boss this. It's true and I've seen it. Are they clever enough to remember? Like, did I have enough about them to go, I've seen this. Last week I saw... That's why they're called the elephants of the sky.

They have a phenomenal memory. They remember their grandmas. Lad, leave that rice. My nan fucking blew up. I've never touched rice since. Don't you myth-bust it. And in the comments below, don't myth-bust it. I mean, touched rice. Don't you myth bust it. And in the comments below, don't myth bust it.

I mean, it does say, it's simply not true. No, it is true. It's not hot enough in a bird's stomach to cook the rice. Where are you getting this information?

What website's that? National Geographic. Paddy, you are so good. You need to do your own research, mate. You're in the pockets of big pigeons. Big pigeons. I told you.

Big pigeons. I do look stupid. It's an ostrich, isn't it? Yeah. Big ostrich. Silly twat. Ah, I don't believe it forever.

Ignore him. No, I do. Yeah, good. I think because confetti cannons are so good, I think you, I don't think that's going in. No, I think,

do you know what? As soon as you said cannons. But the DIY version is crap. The DIY, out a bag. Yeah, out a bag. Bags of confetti. We've got some from our listeners. Have a word pod at gmail.com

if you've got something you'd like to put in room one or two. George Harris says, hotel rooms without chargers next to the beds and the nearest one is on the other side of the room. Burn the hotel down, all of it. George, you're so sensible. It's so right. I take extension cables now for this, even if I'm in England.

So if I'm going abroad, I'll take one plug and an extension, because I'm smart. But in England, I'll take an extension, because so many hotels... So many hotels have to plug, like... Yeah. And you can't go to bed with your phone on charge, like in the bathroom

the four plug extension lead on holiday with the adapter is just a that's when you're a smart man can i also say i think one of the biggest jumps of the gun in human history right one of the biggest overestimations i know exactly what you're going to say. I'm not going to say it. The mainstay of technology is that all hotels all over the world went, do you know what's probably going to stay forever? USB. Yes, 100%.

USB-A, fuck off. They had like a good eight weeks. All hotels changed their entire system. Our couches, Gordie. USB-A. And they're now obsolete yeah they're not they're on their way they're as close to obsolete as being obviously you get the odd you get the odd thing now but yeah i'm exactly with you you get there and it's like why it's absolutely no

good to me oh do you know what actually they're probably not obsolete for you are they goth you're a fucking android person yeah so you've probably got a million different fucking oh they've changed the law so my charge is the future yours isn't yeah the usbc is now universal so so get with the usb a suck my android using balls zach bronson says oh zach broxon says i've made up my name cup cup lids please can we put into room 102 people who book tables in a pub to watch footy walking in and and seeing a table with Georgia times eight on it. If you want a table, turn up early and get one. Or if you want a table, book one. This doesn't go in.

Like I am all for, I'm a plan of me. If I'm allowed to be in charge of the thing i i if he's allowed no no the caveat is to be if you give a fuck about the thing do you mean do you know what i mean yeah you're good at planning when you're i don't plan things i don't care about you guys yeah yeah yeah Yeah. No, because we have a working thing where we have to be involved in the planning of stuff. When you're into it, you're into it.

I either want to run it or fucking leave me out of it and I'll just be wherever you tell me to be. But if I'm running it, I will book the table and he's not invited, this guy.

Oh, we'll just tear it up and hope for the best. Shut up. Book, make reservations. Restaurants like it if you make reservations. In a pub, though. It's a public house. It should just be like, come in.

No, it shouldn't. If it's like a sports bar, they get it. No, book it. A pub, though. Book it. Also, why does Georgia with her seven mates want to sit in the middle of loads of people watching an England game if they're not arsed?

No, they are arsed. I think he's just put a girl's name just to be facetious. I think he's being sexist and I think he fell for it. That's what I'm like. Sam says, how's it going, lids? Room 102 for you. People who listen to TikTok or Instagram reels on full volume in public.

Headphones were invented in 1891. Use a pair, you goth. That's from Sam. That's true. I don't think headphones were invented in 1891. You can actually put this in room 102, though. It's very annoying. Yeah.

It's horrific. I don't ever get... I'm not really in public a lot. Headphones were invented in 1891. Were they? Yeah. By Ernest McAdean. Ernest Headphones.

Barry Bowes. Barry Bowes. So he patented headphones in 1891, but he didn't know how to make them two huge speakers he was like someday i'm gonna do this i've just invented flying yachts 2024 how are they different from airplanes because it's a boat cool got it cool you're gonna make a lot of money mate i want to go on holiday problem is the wind's not going that direction i'll be honest with you i don't know how you feel about this if i'm like if i haven't brought my headphones with me and i'm walking somewhere like if i'm walking around sefton park to go like

to get like a coffee or whatever i will watch tiktoks on my phone and i just like if i'm walking around sefton park to go like to get like a coffee or whatever i will watch tiktoks on my phone and i just like if i'm on a bus and you've got like a captive thing i think that's uh like if i'm just people around people just walking past me yeah i think there's difference between doing it in an open space and doing it when there's someone on a train on a train stinky yeah yeah i don't listen to what you're listening to it's probably shite what if it's this? It's unbelievable. Turn it up.

Daniel Barnes says, Quick Room 102, only fans girls who pick a football team. For example, Astrid Wett. She's very, very unpopular. She's very clever though, and everyone falls for it. Yeah.

She's so clever. Who's Astrid Wett? Oh, here we go. Who's Astrid Wett? Oh, here we go. Who's Astrid Wett? Let me just unpack her. Let me just... Who's Astrid Wett? I don't know who she is myself,

but I know because someone else has spoken about her before. He has got a specific Twitter account just for watching porn and he's claiming he doesn't know

who Astrid Wett is oh I'm the biggest football fan in the world who's this Ronaldinho you're talking about I mean I like cuckold porn not like

she's just a Chelsea fan no she isn't and they've started doing it for like Morecambe she's so good Leighton Orient I've like

I know Derby I've won I'm all for these very intelligent women promoting themselves and having... If men want to give you money and we're idiots, take our money. But she's an expert at it and everyone falls for it. She makes mistakes in her videos.

Purposely, she spells things like, oh, you're an idiot. So you've just given her money. If you want her to go away, ignore her. But she is smashing the game. Fair play to her. So people subscribe to her to correct her spelling? People will follow her.

No, no, they're not signing up. Just so you know, actually... She's on only pedants. They make money from interactions, don't they? So every comment going, you stupid fat bitch, is like giving it... No, she'll say, like, why is Gareth Southgate not played, I don't know, like, an Irish player, like, something stupid,

like, I don't know, who's the full something stupid like I don't know who's the fullback for Liverpool Andy Robertson yeah why is he not starting for England and all the lads go oh you're an idiot

he's Scottish he's like yeah she's done that so you comment so she gets money and she does it constantly and she's the best and she's making loads of money

and fair play to her and the more interactions she gets the more it gets pushed to other people and she finds more simps where it's just being don't worry about it, babe.

Here's another 25 quid. She has just got the system and just draining its money. Well done. One more. Jamie Hodgson says, all right, lids, I've got an entry to room 102.

The fact that Netflix have movies and films only available in certain countries, it's bullshit. We all pay the same, so let everyone watch everything. Do you know what I would say? You need to sign up to NordVPN. If you sign up to NordVPN, this is just not a problem.

You can watch Madagascan Disney Plus. Facts. That is a fact. NordVPN is good. I mean, this is like the most horrible thing. I haven't got a bad word to say about Netflix, you know, just because I'm about to send them a video that I've made. Do you know what? And I think they've got an insightful look into the future of comedy. And I hope, you know, just because... Good people. I'm about to send them a video. Do you know what? And I think they got an insightful look into the future of comedy. And I hope, you know, they use it.

I'd just like them to have a look at a video that I've made, you know? So... A video? A video? Just a little video. I've made multiple videos. No, but it's one video, isn't it?

We've made one video out of it. Yeah, it's incredible. Shot my own stand-up special. Going to send it to Netflix to have a look at it, so I'm refusing to slag them off. But yeah, you should have just everything available everywhere. But it's just, that's a really rudimentary

way of looking at it. Like, what happens is other streaming services in that country buy the rights to a film. It's not Netflix trying to fuck you over.

No. It's just that there's other things going on. It's quite good when you go abroad and you're like, oh, I wonder what I'm going to get

on Netflix here. It's a little bit of excitement. It is. It literally is. When it comes're like, oh, I wonder what I'm going to get on Netflix here. It's a little bit of excitement. It is. It literally is. When it comes, oh, that's not my usual recommend.

In America, you can't watch Friends on Netflix. Done my head in that when I was in New York and I just wanted to have a little chill and watch a bit of Friends.

Because it's on Peacock. Oh, yeah. It's on Peacock. It's on whatever, yeah. I wouldn't watch Grey's Anatomy. Grey's Anatomy makes me scared

that I'm going to die. Because every single episode, a man my age goes in with a cough, and then he's got AIDS and dies by the end of it. That's literally every episode. It's good, though. It is good, though. It's the medical suits. And she survived, like, four plane crashes and the hospital blown.

I watched, like, 12 or 13 seasons. I was like, I'm done. What can happen now? I watched 12 or 13 seasons, and I was like, do you know what? This isn't for me no like i've completed it it's still going but i can't it's too much you've seen all the ailments now yeah yeah it scared the shit out of me that show my health anxiety has never been that bad you shouldn't be watching medical programs with health anxiety though no it was but it felt like

every episode was about me they had a COVID season when COVID was going on. And I think they had a spike in viewership. It is good. It is well written. This fella's come in because he's just broke his hand on this fence. And we've just done an accidental scan of his brain. And he's got 17 tumors. And his name's Adam Rowe.

There's a main character that dies of the hiccups. Shut up. She goes in with the hiccups. She's like the stepmom of the main girl. She doesn't die of the hiccups in it shut up she goes in with the hiccups and she's like the step mum of like the main girl die of the hiccups she does she has the hiccups

and dies of it and they just go it sometimes and there's you not checking up when you get hiccups we're just like nothing we can do

we tried to scare her fuck what else can we do hold your breath a second who's paying for this program to be made? Is this like Booper? It's the biggest show. Denzel Washington's directed a couple episodes.

Yeah, but where's the money coming from? Private healthcare? Check the budget. It seems like an absolute fucking... I don't think Denzel would have directed the hiccups episode. They get paid so much money. She's the highest paid actor in TV. Meredith.

And she had a big argument with Denzel because Denzel was trying to direct it she was like this is my show how the fuck do you know that

because when I got COVID I watched 13 episodes in one day and then I was hooked you'll be cutting out tumors in Pelican Bay when I get through with you Denzel this isn't

in my voice mate this doesn't feel like something I'd say you know let's do a have a word and then get out of here There's a song that you can't hear I can't either Been regled

Don't you sleep You've been regled Will Rimmer says Lads need you to have a word with this man at my gym. It's called man, isn't it? Willie Rimmer. I'm Will Rimmer. Your mum.

Will Rimmer says... That's my favourite response from Will ever. By the way, actually, you don't have to comment on me. He just went... I can't do more than two days a week of this. Lads, need you to have a word with this man at my gym this is going to sound mental

but the past few weeks this fella has been coming into the gym wearing dress shoes trousers a shirt and a jumper and going on the treadmill more often

more often than not the one next to me even though the gym is always empty he just walks in this dress clubber like a serial killer not even breaking a sweat in his many layers he's creeping me out

technically he's allowed to but I think it's noncy behaviour have a word with him please and that's from Will Limmer maybe he's planning

for the date he's like I'm going to ask them now I'm going to go straight on the date I thought he meant he was going straight after the gym

he's like I'm getting changed again so he's like I'm going to go now I'm ready I was thinking just in case he needs to do a runner

but like really fast just in case they say yes he's like I I want to go now. I'm ready. I was like, just in case he needs to do a runner, but like really fast. No, just in case they say yes. He's like, I'm ready to go now. I've got a dress shirt on. Yeah. I don't know if it would freak me out.

I'd be like, he's quite good, isn't he? I'd be impressed, yeah. I'd be taking selfies with him. It's the shoes, isn't it?

That's the mark. It's the fucking jumper, knitwear, in the gym. Brother, that is illegal. So many people wear hoodies in the gym. Brother, that is illegal. So many people wear hoodies in the gym. That's not knitwear. Knitwear?

Knitted hoodie. Knitted hoodie? I've knitted you a hoodie for Christmas. I'd have a cardigan on the treadmill. No. There has to be some sort of rule of common sense. No, no knitwear in the gym. Just a little side note,

because I won't be able to think about it unless I say this out loud. I am considering getting me first carnigan. Carnigan? Carnigan. Is that like a mixture between... Playing carnigan hall? I am considering getting me first cardigan. Trying to change my style a little bit more.

It's summer. I know. But for the winter. Right, okay. You've never had a cardigan before? I had one. Didn't I? Do you remember me grey one? I do. You wore them a lot, weren't you? No, I liked it. I had a cardigan before? Cool. I had one, didn't I? Do you remember me grey one?

I do. You wore them a lot, weren't you? No, I liked it. I had a blue at the same time. The first thing I ever wore Alex's fucking face. He's got undiagnosed ADHD

and this is our working life. We're literally, literally, that's how it works. Cardigan, knitwear, cardigan, cardigan.

Stop the pod. I need to tell Carl something. Never mind Alex or Dan. Lad, I'm about getting a cardigan. This the pod. I need to tell Carl something. Never mind Alex or Dan. Lad, I'm about to get a cardigan. This is what we do. Put that on the dream board. Do you remember my great cardigan? No one's

listening. Do you remember my gym cardigan? I used to have a shumper. It was because I'd get so sweaty. It was a jumper with just the collar stitched in the top. So it looked like you had that kind of jumper shirt combo going on. I've got to be honest with you. I hate them so much.

They were big about 15, 20 years ago. Yeah. Now you can buy. This is genuinely true. No, you've never seen a shumper. Yeah, you have. No, I'm thinking of the shirt with the hood on. No, have you never seen like a V-neck jumper

with like this bit of a shirt sewn into it? I don't think so, no. There's no shirt underneath. You can buy just that bit of the shirt. What? So I follow loads of like male fashion influencers on like- Are they wearing cardigans?

Yeah, the cardigans coming back. It's cardigan season. It's July you can buy just that bit of the shirt and they put like a normal jumper over this like

like eighth of a shirt so it looks like they've got a shirt on and it really bothers me wow you put it on like a necklace yeah can you find it

like like is there a shirt a short shirt a shirt shortage there's a shirt there's no short shirts what's going on I don't know his name just there a shirt a short shirt a shirt shortage there's a shirt some short shirts what's going on i don't know his name do you buy a shirt i follow someone i can't remember his name because it is hot i've never seen that before maybe i haven't i've been fooled i mean it's quite a good

business if you if you're people who make say you make a shirt and you're like oh we fucked up one of the sleeves don't waste it We'll just cut off here. Someone will stick a jumper on that. Maybe this guy is training for something specific because Taylor Swift, before she went on the Ears tour, the way she trained for it was she sang every single song she was going to sing whilst running on the treadmill

so that she would be fitter than she needed to be for her shows. Maybe this guy has got like a really fucking intense TED talk he's got coming up. Oh, yeah. Nice, yeah.

Silent one though. Maybe he's a fucking psycho. He does TED talks. Maybe he can't afford gym clothes but he still wants to go to the gym. Let's let him do it. He can afford. He's not at anybody.

That's like extra light. Like surely gym clothes are cheaper. Maybe he's worried at anybody that's like extra light like surely gym clothes are cheaper maybe he's worried yeah but maybe inclement weather i don't know let him do it i want to see i didn't do it no awful i'm gonna watch you and judge you psycho what's that next year a briefcase fuck off there's certain things i can't be doing within the gym. Briefcases? Oh my God. When you're wearing the wrong thing, anyone in denim in a gym, get the fuck out. But you're okay with the racists in the sauna?

I love a racist in the sauna. Dan's got a racist best friend in the sauna. I have a really high hit rate of people saying dreadful things about people from an ethnic minority while I'm sweating. And then it makes me sweat even more. So it's actually good for you. It's good for me.

It's awful to hear, but I get really warm, sweaty, get all the toxins out. Have you lost all that weight? Do you know what? I just sat next to a racist racist. Just go for EDL meetings in a sauna. Shall we call it a pod? That is the end of the show.

Alex, tell everyone where they can find you. And if you've got anything coming up you want to plug, then you can go on this. So we've got... Sorry, it's not a big announcement. I just want to get this right. No, I've got the last thing. We're going to be doing the Paralympics.

And also, I've just started a podcast about 2000s football called Let's Be Avenue. Nice. So you can get that if you're into... Where is it at? Into... We just started, really. Not one year.

I was like, when are you going to form a podcast? We're not going year by year. It's just a general, you know, turn of the millennium. I'm saying you're talking about noughties. You're not talking about now football. Nah, not really. We did some stuff at the Euros, but the people we were talking to were all kind of England players in 2004, 2006.

Noughties, early tens, that's the football I love. Yeah. Don't worry, mate. That will be right in your era. What's it called? Let's Be Having You. Now, Finn, our producer in absentia, because he's in the recording studio,

has requested that we do a little bit of an advert for his gig. He's got a massive gig coming up on October the 26th. Yep, 26th of October at the Jacaranda Baltic. I think there's about 400 tickets in total. They've been on sale for two weeks. There's only 397 left. So just make sure you go get them now or they sell out.

One pound from every ticket's going to Zoe's place. Three quid so far. Tickets are in Finn's bio or the description of the video. And the song we're playing out with is his song, Take a Ride. And it's a classic rhyme by Finlay Kerr. But buy some tickets, definitely. Alex, it's been a fucking pleasure. Thank you, mate.

Thanks for having us, fellas. Just a minute. Those kids at Zoe's Place are just sharing a multi-pack of dairy mugs. Jesus, poor thing. We love you, Finn, by the way. Love you, Finn. I'm going to the gig. I love him.

Have you bought a ticket? It's a running joke. Have you to the gig I love him have you bought a ticket what have you bought a ticket I'm not buying a ticket I had to buy a ticket to your country thing you did yeah he's just going to buy

dairy milk cut out of the middle now and just eat it see you lids love you bye Love you. Bye. Baby, baby I don't slip I never fall I don't miss

Baby, I want it all Take a ride. There's a notion between the waves to get a grip inside. This is what it's all about. Take a ride. We'll be up in the clouds getting way too high. Baby, baby baby baby I know the days are short

But the nights are long I got a feeling I'm coming on too strong I like the way it was Let me romanticize Don't think we've got much time so baby take a ride take a ride

take a ride this is what it's all about take a ride we'll be up in the clouds getting way too high Baby, baby Take a ride There's an ocean between the waves

Get a grip inside This is what it's all about Take a ride We'll be up in the clouds Getting way too high Baby, baby Take a ride. We'll be up in the clouds. Getting way too high. Baby, baby, baby.