Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #289 with Fin Taylor - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: August 11, 2024

Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan Nightingale & Fiends Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.ukComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comFinn's Liverpool Gig: skiddle.com/e/39298815As Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Support our cycle across India for Zoe's Place:https://cycle4zoes.enthuse.com/pf/finnlay-kulavuzGet subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsCheck out Finn's music: https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Tickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Patreon.com slash have a word pod. Enjoy the episode. It's a belter. Wag wag lids. You're listening to the funniest podcast in the game. From the heart of Liverpool. With Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only Have A Word.

Brought to you by Manscaped. The very best products on the market for below the waist grooming. Go, Ed. Get on me. Ow! Oh. Carl's not here because he's gone to Stratford-upon-Avon to see a Shakespeare play. Now, normally when one of us is missing, we normally do a lie,

but that just seems as ridiculous as anything we can make up anyway, so. Yeah. Just the truth, innit? But he's getting married to a wonderful, wonderful woman. Cultured. Do you know what I mean? I think you know what I mean. Would you watch Shakespeare for Serica?

I've been to Stratford to watch some RSC What did you watch? When I was a younger man and we went to see Chekhov's The Seagull and it was boring but it was a really nice theatre and it was very well done but because I was doing theatre studies

I was like oh this is what I should be doing and it was one of those moments where I was like I'm not going to drama school acting is so far up its own arse i can't take it this seriously i knew i wanted to perform i wanted to be on a stage i just hadn't worked out what stage that was but i was like this isn't it did you go straight from acting to stand up or was there anything else and that like did you think about being a musician at any point or a juggler or something uh steel stockholding warehouse just temporarily i felt like there was a natural step um no i just i've

done drama and i've done theater studies i've been in like i got so much stick from the lads at school like what you're going to a fucking drama class when you were all on a rugby tour pulling each other's dicks i I was with fucking extroverted theatre girls. It was great. They're annoying though, aren't they? Well,

at 15, I was, you know, it was great. He was an extroverted theatre girl. I really was. People were touching my tits.

So was I though, to be fair. It was been well better. It was great. The parties, it was fucking brilliant. The parties? I don't know,

like, honestly, I got, I got, yeah, we got fucking hammered with all these confidence. All the girls were like 16. Oh, it's the best. And my mates were like, you're fucking gay, mate. We play rugby.

Were they all fit? Yeah. Cool. I was in love with one for years. In your head right now, you remember fancying this girl, but she's still 16 in your head and you're now 42. So you fancy a 16 year old even now. When I was 15.

Emma Welton, mate. Oh, I was so in love with her. She was great. And we've known each other years. She's married now. She's got babbits and everything. But I knew her when she'd grown up. Do you know what I mean?

But if I remember those parties, when she was 16, I might've even been 14. She was a lady. They were like, there was another girl called Rachel. Oh my God, it was great. But yeah, they're just now, obviously. Yeah, yeah it's weird i can't see them as anything but like wow she's such a

lady because she was two years older than me but i if i saw her at 16 now i'd be like oh my god it's a fucking child were you the only lad or only no there was a couple of lads were they gear see this i was being more delicate. You saw it. I don't think there was any gay guys. That's what Finn was asking, though. Were you the only straight lad? No.

And I was just helping him get there, you know? Like, or Boo was... Like, or what? Boo. Huh? David Beasley. Right. His nickname was Boo.

Right, okay. He was straight? He's, yeah. Everyone was straight,'s yeah everyone was straight I think apart from the gay ones there must have been a couple of gay guys

have any of them gone on to like be Hollywood actors or anything yeah yeah yeah yeah Dame Judi Dench she was in your class wasn't she

Dame Judi she always she was a year below Dudududududench yeah and when I was 14 she seemed like a woman and that's because she was 58.

She probably shouldn't have been there, you know, because she was a professional actor, but she loved youth drama groups in Preston. That was Judy. She wasn't a dame then. That was great, mate. If you're a young lad and you're like, I don't really like fucking playing sports or whatnot,

just join the drama group. There's loads more girls there. You'll have a great time. What were some of the roles you played? What were some of your iconic roles that you played? I was an Adrian Mole! I was the mate in Adrian Mole. I was in Anna Green Gables. I was in Blood Brothers.

Which one were you in Blood Brothers? I was the rough one. Mickey. One of the main kids? Yeah. Oh, really? Yeah. I won an award for Brothers? I was the rough one. Mickey. One of the main kids? Yeah. Oh, really? Yeah. I won an award for that.

What was the award called then? The Fred Macon something. It was basically like best under 16 performance or something. In the Northwest Amateur Dramatic Society. There's no footage, is there? There's no footage. I was in the LEP. I was in the Lancashire Evening Post. They came and took a picture and put me in the paper.

The LEP. That was our paper. Was that the peak of fucking success back in the day? Yeah, I really enjoyed it. Honestly, I had a fucking great time. I still play footy, but I wasn't, like, our school, it was rugby or cricket. That was the two sports. And there wasn't and i wasn't good at rugby i was shit at rugby because it was hard work

and you i was small i'm guessing you didn't do drama in school or didn't properly like no i've told this story before but like i hung around so when i went to senior school when i met carl there's a lad who i was really close mates with called matty who didn't come to our school because he got into the blue coat so i still hung around with him and then people from the blue coats as well as like my mates from home and from my school so i had like three different friend groups as a teenager um and one of the girls who went to the blue coat with matty was in a drama class and she came to us one day and was like if we don't get boys coming to the drama class they're going to shut it down because the council won't fund it if it's just for one gender so we went for a few weeks until they went right now you need to pay this much money a month to come like the

first few they were just like yeah come on in like come and try it and i was she really liked me the teacher because i was just quite willing to of all the other lads are just there because the girls we hung around with were there so they're a bit like yeah so what's my line like that and i was like this is my line like i just didn't like i've had no sort of embarrassment about and you were the only lad that could do that yeah so yeah they'd have been gutted to lose you yeah i i took it to my mum and i was like i want to go and she was like i think it was like 70 quid a week fucking hell like what it was like really maybe it was maybe it wasn't that much maybe i'm getting it wrong maybe it was it was a thousand pounds a week yeah but it was expensive and my mum was like there's just fucking no chance like ours was ours wasn't expensive at all i think it was a

charity one i think we did fundraising stuff like it wasn't super expensive i think ours was like moderately expensive but i did that for years and i had to pick at 11 whether i played footy or carried on with acting and singing i went with footy like billy elliott yeah you couldn't do both no because it was on a saturday oh right so it was one or the other i with footy. Billy Elliot? Yeah. You couldn't do both? No, because it was on a Saturday. Oh, right. So footy was one or the other. I picked footy. But before that, I'd starred in High School Musical.

Oh, really? We were the first UK production. Were you Zac Efron? No, I was a DJ. I had one line. Start! Who played Zac Efron's part? A lad that is on the West End now.

No! Yeah. He's doing bits. He's done really well. No. Yeah. He's doing bits. He's done really well. Kyle. Yeah. What's his surname? Parry.

Not Kyle Parry. That's his brother. Kane Parry. Sorry. Kane Parry. Kane Parry. Yeah. Sounds odd.

He wasn't. Oh. He doesn't sound odd. He's in a West End play. He's called Kane. Yeah, but are you just imagining the wrestler? Yeah.

I think I've sort of like confabulated Kane and Bane. Yeah. But we were the first. Musicals were our life. So we were in that theatre that you played in, Ryl. That was where we did our shows. We were the first UK production at a high school musical.

So it was sold out every night. We did like five shows. They came from far and wide. There was coaches coming in. Shut up. No joke. Did you play, in. Shut up. No joke. Did you play... Listen, I had one line.

We've talked about your history in performing. I didn't... Were you disabled? Were you a disabled DJ? I'd not learned that skill yet. Right, okay. That was a few years later. Right, right, right.

I was an American. I had one line. What was your line? Let me just do it. Yeah. Chant-le-poil. He's getting into character. He is disabled.

With Charlie, the cute guy from East High, signing out, peeps. And then I walked off stage. But I was in the basketball team. Just one more time. With Charlie, the cute guy from East High, signing out, peeps. Cool.

Well, we've got a new sign-off for the episodes. What's that first word? Where? With Charlie, the cute guy from East. I was the DJ on the... They had like a school radio. DJ. Yeah.

School radio. So it was with Charlie, the cute guy. Yeah. From East High, the high school, from High School Musical. Yeah. Signing out, peeps. And that was you.

All right. But I was in the ensemble as well i was in the basketball team oh you were in the ensemble i'm guessing you don't know high school musical it was a pretty big deal back in the day soaring i don't know is it flying there's not a star in heaven that we can reach selena gomez no nope no gabriella that's her name in it vanessa We can't reach. Selena Gomez. No. No. Gabriella. That's her name, isn't it? Vanessa Hudgens.

Yeah. Vanessa Hudgens. One of the first, like, hacked phone nude celebs. That was in the sentence. And titties were all over the internet because they got leaked from her phone. Oh, there you go.

Thanks for translating. Yeah. Zac Efron, before he had a big fucking action man head. Yeah. He's mad him. Zac?

He said he broke his jaw, didn't he? And then when he fixed it, it just looked like that. And it is not true. Because he's got steroid pillow face. He looks...

He's got pillow face. He's got fucking... He looks like Team America. He's got... He does. He looks like... He looks like, Gary, you're the best actor you've ever done.

His lips are... He's got quack my face. Yeah. Yeah. Mate, the Botox pillow face is fucking great fun. Big fucking potato-headed looking cunts. Madonna, what has happened? Do you think you'd ever get Botox?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because obviously everything I've just said. And we've got a new sponsor. You can do it less like that can't you there's so much wrong why am i making my face fatter do you know what i mean i can already have a fat face i just eat carbs after 10 stop it you know what i mean i don't need botox i've been told by a few people to get it in my forehead. I have as well. Apparently it helps with sweating.

If you get it in your armpits, like if you've got hyperhydration, like Jack Finnegan. Give me a card. I need a yellow card. He's been told to get it in his armpits because it helps with hyperhydration, over sweating. As a preemptive yellow,

do not get Botox in your fucking forehead. Why? No. Just a little bit? You can't. Just a little bit. You'll never look surprised again. But that's my problem

is I've got a fucking Gordon Ramsay fad and I'm 25. You always look shocked. Yeah. Just surprised. It's a nice top. Do you reckon that's because you're always getting high

and you're like, oh. That's what I do instantly. What? yeah just surprised it's a nice top do you reckon that's because you're always getting high and you're like oh that's what I do instantly what they came for him all over I was in the ensemble

I'm not even scouting don't get Botox why no my face my rules bruh oh I've just snotted.

You've never had some sort of cosmetic anything? You had your lips done, haven't you? Yeah, I've had my lips done. Oh, I forgot that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd have a dick extension. No, that wasn't funny. It was just true.

You can get your leg extended now. You can get your legs done. Oh, I thought you just went one. A lad, you should have got both. Yeah. They break your legs. Right. Both of them.

And then in the gap that creates, they put like a synthetic bone and it makes you taller. Oh, cool. Off I go to the NBA. What? Yeah, you can get your legs done. You can't. It I go to the NBA. What? Yeah, you can get your legs done. You can't. It doesn't work like that.

You can grow everything nowadays. No dwarves are getting it done. No. They are. Some dwarves are getting it done. Warwick Davis is six foot four now. So you can just get long arms. Yeah.

You could. It would be the exact same procedure. You could just get really long arms. Yeah. You could. It would be the exact same procedure. You could just get really long arms. Yeah, but they'd still have, like, because people with dwarfism have like water in their heads, don't they? That's why the heads are big. Is that what it is?

I think the... That felt insensitive there, Harry. I'm just letting you know. But they still have... I don't know if the dwarf community, weren't you going, they've just got fucking big wet heads. I have a,

in Turkey, there's a cousin that's got water on the brain. And pretty insensitively, when I was a bit younger, I used to call him Frank Sidebottom. But he didn't get the reference. No, he didn't. I'd just be like,

you're right, Frank. I'm really worried that I've made that up, by the way. I think you have. I don't think any of that shit's made that up by the way I think you have I don't think any of that shit has come up with I think you're getting confused with water balloons

aren't you I've typed in dwarf water heads and it just comes up with like plants oh yeah so apologies to the little person community one for the

we do have a few listeners who are little people as well because every time we say the M word they get in touch and say do you know what I'm alright with it because it's a sound are they black as well yeah m oh sorry yeah we haven't had that message

we don't get them yeah there's a lot of enablers in there a lot of have a word fans are like do you know what i know you're all right just don't clip it but that is what it should be like absolutely yeah yeah bless them what would you have done I gave you if we because obviously we

the hair transplant for me went nowhere because they looked at my fucking bald head and went there's a limit of what we can do that's so sad you know

two painful sessions and you'll still have the biggest forehead our job is to make bald people not bald anymore but Dan Nightingale has gone too far. Christ.

We're actually closing the company. What would you do? I'll give you an unlimited one procedure. Cost is no problem.

I think anyone under six foot wants to be over six foot don't they? Rarely. Do you know what I mean? Like if I could pain free become six one I'd take it.

But I'm not getting my legs broke for it. Right. But just taller. Yeah. Right. That would stretch you out, wouldn't it? No, if it's just your legs, it wouldn't. Because wouldn't it look weird?

Just in a picture where you just stretch it out and it becomes like yeah but it wouldn't would it i don't i wouldn't i wouldn't i'd like to be bigger like if you could just go in a computer and just like give me vat just just put 1.2 percent and then yeah you know what i mean 120 and then i'm 20 bigger everywhere yeah but i don't just want to be longer jacked as well i know to be jacked as well. No, but like, not jacked, but like, your legs are just going to look too long. You look like Dr. Eggman. You're going to look like a short man on a tall man's legs.

That's not good. What do you mean? What do I know? I think I've got quite a tall man's torso. It's like clothes. You've just got to own it. If you were tall, you've just got to walk around like you're tall.

So I'm a formerly short, fat man. Yeah. And now you're a tall, fat man. Yeah. With 32 extra long legs. 32's about right. I'm six foot. I'm 32.

Are you six foot? Yeah. God, you don't carry yourself like that. I don't. I've got a bad back. I think it's just the constant look of shock. Fucking hell. That's high up here.

Yeah. I think getting a bit tall, like I wouldn't even think about, oh, my torso's like an inch too short. Like, it's fine. Yeah. I'd go taller. My ears are quite big. I'm happy with the length of my arms.

Maybe pin my ears back a bit. There was a lad we went to college with that had had that done, and he had some absolute fucking stunt kite ears. So hang on. You're getting the option of a free hit on any cosmetic surgery, and you're pinning your ears back? Are your ears even bad?

What? Your ears aren't even bad, are they? No. They're not great. Maybe I'd get a fatter ass. Never mind being taller. Maybe I'll... What if I had a badonk, mate?

An absolute badonk. I actually think Carl might have had that done, you know, because I don't remember him having that ass in high school. Or maybe he's putting padding down there. Carl's top half doesn't suit his bottom half. It's like he's been, you know, in one of them things where they slide over the different characters. It's randomised.

I've said it before, he looks like a water balloon that's still on the tap. Do you know what I mean? It's so playful, but cunty at the same time. That's what it is though, isn't it? It's like... It's just like... Ready to burst.

Yeah? Yeah. Laura's mentioned getting fillers. And I'm like lips cheeks I think all of it what's she trying to do

look like the most bangable woman at the allotment I do think though that could become a self-fulfilling prophecy and lead to you getting more blowjobs

because bigger lips those lips are made for sucking and that's just what they'll do and one of these days she's gonna suck your

cock up for you suck my cock up nice listen i was improvising the song it was good i liked it it was the little pause to make the syllables work yeah i've made the syllables work that's all you have to do when you've done a little parody song on the fly no i don't think pillow ed's gonna be sucking me off more i don't think that's's going to be sucking me off more. I don't think that's going to work. I think she's just going to be, you know. Do you like bigger lips? Yeah, nice, yeah. But not with the... It's overdone, isn't it?

Yeah, but just tell her not to go that far. That girl at Nando's was like, have you got any allergies? I think you have, love. Shellfish. Fuck, and I I've had crab again looked bad I get it there's a pressure

on women to beautify themselves but we mentioned body dysmorphia didn't we can't remember when but we were talking about it it's the one where you're like

you get it done and you're like no I'm going bigger and it just I think it is I know it's a stereotype but it is more common in Liverpool. It just is.

Yeah. The filler. Yeah. Lip filler, especially. I think it's just any big working class city, isn't it? I've seen it in Glasgow. I've seen it... Like, it's just...

Yeah. I don't mind it, man. It's a beautiful girl. I quite like it, to a point. Yeah. If it's subtle, it's dead nice. Well, maybe you've been born without much lippage and that's a sad thing isn't it just for fucking suzy thin lips yeah yeah if you were like that we'd recommend getting it done yeah but also probably the tash isn't helping there it doesn't

for them either. Have you seen the guy that's trying to live forever through like changing his body? He wants to live to him of his NVM. Has he seen it? He's signed up. He's on a subscription. What have you ordered? NVM.

What's that? It's like the supplement to reverse aging. Oh, that one. Yeah. That one. So NAD is the thing you need to reverse your aging and NVM is a way to get it into your system before you need it.

Oh, there's just an actual chemical? It's a supplement, yeah. I think Russell Kane's on it. I think Russell Kane's on this whole thing. Oh yeah, he was saying last time. He's trying to pause, and he's 63 and looks great. Like, it really does work.

You want to test it? Unbelievably. So I've done that. Yeah. Right, so this guy, I saw it. He wants to live to 144 years old. Yeah, but he doesn't look well. He's already, what, 50?

40, 50 years old. How old is he? 46. You started too old. He looks 46. Right. I think he looks like a vampire started too old he looks he looks 46 right he doesn't I don't I think he looks

like a vampire doesn't he he looks ill you think he looks four years older than Dan yeah no he looks

no he looks really trim but he looks aged a little bit at the same time like he's got a great jawline great body can you get him up on the telly so that like Dan's got a famous reference for him

how um when's he started this, though? It was a couple of years ago, wasn't it? Right. But he's got the blood of a 20-year-old in his body, not just in his house. Yeah, because he's taken his son's blood. Here's what you need to do.

Oh, no. That sounds already pretty sinister. Go on. Son's blood. Right. Put it in yours to do. Oh, no. That sounds already pretty sinister. Go on. Son's blood. Right. Put it in yours. Nice. Makes you younger.

Yeah. And that'll be good for India. What? It says airplay code 7344. There we go. Right, let's have a look at this guy. He does not look four years older than Dan. Are you having a laugh?

Yeah, he does. What are you talking about? That's his son's blood. It's the one on the right. Yeah, I know. Yeah. How old does he look? He does.

That's not a great picture. He looks like 75 in that one. But yeah. That's an interesting one as well. That's how I'm'm living forever it's a joy to be an aging man how much fun they're having don't get me wrong the guy's in good shape and everything i just think if you obsess about this sort of stuff like life is gonna come at you anyway isn't it stuff's gonna happen you can't cheat well that's the trade-off, isn't it? Do you want a fun life or a long, boring one?

Oh, I'll take five years off for cheeseburgers. Come on. Cheeseburgers and vapes. I'm off the vapes, mate. He's got a list of decisions that he's made. Only vape when I smoke. And the 2023 decision was just don't die. So the others were like like invest in deep tech.

And then 23 was like, I'm just not going to die. Just manifest it. All these people dying. It's just not concentrated enough. Come on. Just manifest your non-death. Silly bollocks. He looks great.

Let's be honest. Although you get thrown out of it. So I'm not going to do all the stuff. I'm just going to take the supplement and see what happens. He looks sad though. He looks like there's something in his eyes where behind his eyes it's like oh i'm gonna die one day he's a shit pint anyone who preaches though like in any sort of way always looks miserable to me whether they whether they're preaching religion or like the wet like a lifestyle no one who like is convinced they've figured everything else is happy.

Black church. That is true. No, but like the people in the church are happy. The guy up there going, and the Lord, he said this. Like he always looks. I think he might have a water on the brain.

They always, they're always like screaming. And you know she's gonna come give you some bread like that guy sounds happy that guy does

but if you wanna live forever don't eat the carbohydrate that's what I'm saying get on that carnival dial take a MVM and the MVS yeah you'll have to let us

know how it goes like the the fella who all this is doing is making me wanna go to let us know how it goes like the fella who all this is doing is making me want to go to black church the fella on like church streets

who's always like preaching the bible oh yeah yeah is miserable he looks devastated this guy I watched him on Shultz's podcast

and he's like yeah no I've figured it all out and like I'm gonna live forever like this look how happy I am miserable cunt

but it's for longer Jordan Peterson has only eaten beef for the last eight years. Oh, I wouldn't recommend it. And that's my Jordan Peterson impression. He cries a lot as well. So he can't be happy. He cries all of the time.

But also there's a proven correlation between intelligence and unhappiness as well. Yeah. Because the more intelligent you are, the more you're aware of how, like, I'm so miserable because I think everyone's such a stupid cunt and you just can't figure it.

Like, the most rudimental things that I've figured out, you know. And that's why I'm happy, blissfully unaware. We're just thick as pig shit over here. Thick as pig shit, feel quite happy. No, yeah, because you're too intelligent

and you realise how fucking futile life is. Like, if too smart and also how stupid everyone like as a general yours is annoyance with thickos yeah again i've spoken about this in therapy being like i it bothers me how many stupid people there are wouldn't you love to be thick though? Yeah. Wouldn't that be amazing? Yes. Ricky Gervais said being thick is like being dead. It's only sad. It's only annoying for the people around you, not for you. But then you don't, you just have thick mates as well.

Yeah. You know, like there's no like fucking Harvard PhDs hanging around with spanners. You're not having an existential crisis then. No, you're not. You're just getting on with it. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, but then you also go diving in the shallow end. Do you know what I mean? Quite literally, you'll go diving in a swimming pool and smack your head or something. You'll do something stupid. I'd love to be thick. If I was thick, I'd just be on the streets blaming immigrants for my life's problems,

and I would be happy that I'd figured it out. I'd be like, they're the problem. We just get rid of them, and then my life would be great. They're cut. They think I'd figured it out. I'd be like, they're the problem. We just get rid of them. And then my life would be great. They think they figured it out. My life's class. And I still get like wound up and angry by it all.

And I can't figure out what my problem is because I'm too intelligent because there's too much. So I'd rather be thick and just be like, it's all these boat cunts coming over on their fucking boats, taking the jobs and the benefits at the same time. Fuck them. Give us a can of Stella. They don't seem happy though, do they? Do you know the hateful white supremacist cunts that are-

I actually think a lot of them do look quite happy. Them at these marches and these riots, and they're laughing while they're throwing petrol bombs at police cars. So they do look quite happy, actually. Do you not think they're a bit paranoid though? Yeah. When I got in the car this morning the woman who was this became more political really the woman who was collecting the recycling bin she went have you seen that sign over there

i don't know it's like i'm not meant to say but go have a look and it basically said that they were going to put a like a new telephone line for like 5g and fiber optic or whatever and she turned around she was like protest and she went off but she's obviously paranoid that waves are going to get in her head she was like this 5g yeah i don't i don't want to be that thick yeah that's not a pleasant life to live surely it's just it's no function functional stupid yeah but she thinks oh two's acting into her head yeah but that's not functional stupid that's's one below. That's full-blown fucking moron, innit? Like, jumping in the shallow end, you're a moron. Life's going to get hard because you're like,

I don't know how to do stuff. Just, like, smart enough to know how to live, but not smart enough to, like, question the meaning of existence. That's a nice way. The 5G stuff really makes me laugh because if they wanted to do it to control us if they if these people were right they just wouldn't tell you they're putting a 5g pole up they just get an engineer to come out and go oh we're gonna fix a 3g pole and he just put the shit in while he's there it's so like the what the internet has done

as has made it possible for stupid people to find more stupid people right and then because there's numbers of them and it creates an echo chamber they think they they're right like it back in the past there was no internet for these people so there was only like one of them in every pub and then the rest of the pub went you're a stupid cunt jeff shut the fuck up and jeff never spoke ever again And that was a much better system. We can't allow all the Jeffs to find each other because this is what you'd end up with. Facebook is just one big pub of spanners of Jeffs.

So many Jeffs. Oh, it really, this is what I'm talking about. These people annoy me and it's because I'm more intelligent than them because it's because I'm more intelligent than them. Because it's so obvious. It takes the tiniest amount of critical thinking to debunk 90% of conspiracies. I love a conspiracy, by the way,

because we've definitely got fucking stupid listeners as well who are listening to this right now and going, oh, Adam's being a cunt. No, they are doing this. And I know it takes a time. And some conspiracies I believe in, 100%. Hillary Clinton eats kids in a pizza shop. Fuck.

Right? She does. Why is it always that one? Because that's the one that I believe. Right? But most of them just takes the question, why? If you just ask why they think something's happening, it all falls apart after one or two questions of it.

And the Hillary Clinton doesn't. What? When you go, why for Hillary Clinton? Eating kids. So why? Because kids are fucking tasty. Because she wants the Adrenochrome. Yeah.

She wants the Adrenochrome for the eternal youth. Right, and there's no way of getting that. No. This guy, is he eating kids on pizza? She's satanic. Oh, sorry, she's satanic. It's for her religion. For her religion.

Yeah. Yeah. But this one sounds... And the blood of the children makes it a little longer. Nice one. And is it pepperoni or just to mask the flavour? I don't know what one to order. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I don't want to know either. Lamb. Have you ever heard of Bohemian Grove? No. So, you know Alex Jones? Yeah. Everyone's like, chemicals in the water. That fella.

So he believed for years and years. That's the same as the mock festival. Touch my penis. So Alex Jones believed for years and years and years that people, when the world leaders and Bill Clinton and stuff like that would go to this random place in the forest

where there was a big owl statue and they'd do mock sacrifices and they'd all wear robes. And he told people for years. Also, I think he's a bellend and he's wrong about everything. But he told people for years and everyone was like,

you're a mentalist. And he went and it was true. Like, there's like a big... What do you mean? It's like Center Parcs for the Illuminati. They just do it because they like it. They just do it because they like it. It's just like a fun little There's like big owl statues

or whatever. No, that's just a tree. Even now you're not proving your point here. There you go. No, there it is. And it's like it's just like a little That's from a film. I swear to God. and it's like and it's just like a little yep that's from a film I swear to god

no there is dodgy people about is that what you're saying no these are world leaders and Alex Jones like filmed it there you go and they were all like look how clear that is

and where was Alex Jones just in a bush he was in a bush yeah yeah yeah yeah there's no security so all the world leaders are in they're burning goats they're eating kid pizza. There's no security. So all the world leaders are in... They're burning goats, they're eating kid pizza,

and there's no security because they're like, we're in the woods though, no one would think it. Bill Clinton, fucking... All the world leaders. Angela Merkel's there. Angela Merkel.

Chowing down on some ham and pineapple an eight-year-old. Maybe I've not read enough into it. And Alex Jones is there with a video camera in a bush like maybe they've deleted it oh wow i mean that is it but like i'm it listen i love a bit of a conspiracy as well like there are things there are things and because i don't buy that the that's always the one that conspiracy theories go ah come, come on, cheat his fucking kids on pizza. Right?

That's the one that I go, oh, for fuck's sake. People are like, no, Dan doesn't like conspiracies at all. There are some very valid, like, what happened to JFK, or like, I'm not even bringing up now, like Diana. Like there's some, I can understand that the big, the system fucks with things. Governments fuck with things. Huge companies.

They're all in bed with each other. I get it. But it's always the maddest fuck ones that completely like ruin it. You'd be too fussy for a kid's pizza. You'd be like, I'm not trying that kid. I don't even like the meat feast

but yeah if you can if the conspiracy falls apart why and like it i love the ones where it's like yeah and you know they like the illuminati runs everything and that's why jay-z does this at the start of his videos like the the idea that there's this organisation that needs to remain secret for it to be able to function but they leave clues everywhere for people to find is stupid.

They wouldn't do that, would they? They would literally hide it with absolutely everything they've got. They would never leave clues everywhere. Yeah. And probably not that Alex Jones film from a bush.

Don't know. And that was the Alex Jones film from a bush. Don't know. And that was the conspiracy section. Well, there you go. Let's have a break. Adam Rowe, I owe you £100. There you go. Thank you. What is this for?

Just for you, lad. Just a little chi for you. I lost a bet at the Red Bull Soapbox because I was pretty convinced that part of the abomination that we had put together was going to break and the Rory Bags Confidence came through. Actually, your science was good

and I've never been so happy to be wrong. I bet you £100 that a part of that Red Bull soapbox would be destroyed. So what about the other £100 for you vaping again? You what? I never made that bet. Also, I don't vape. But you did. Apart from when I'm drinking but but you did what you said you'd never vape again yeah you know you didn't there

was no bet made there was no there was literally no bet made and i don't vape so i'm not vaping i'm not i no longer vape since then no i'm gonna vape obviously when i No, I'm going to vape, obviously. When I'm pissed. But I don't vape. And it's stupid that you're even fucking bringing it up. Just because I have a vape and I'm going to use it when I'm drinking doesn't mean I vape. Grow up, everyone. You owe me another 100 quid?

It's not a bet. If you don't want to pay it out, then look, I'm not going to force it on you. If you can sleep at night. Was there a bet? No, there wasn't. There was. There wasn't. Dan was. There wasn't. Dan, your memory can't be trusted that day, to be fair.

My memory is crystal clear. I said I'd never vape again, and I haven't, apart from when I've been pissed. It doesn't count. Okay. But I honour my bets. There it is. Sign up at patreon.com slash have a word pod.

We have 27,000 lids as part of the Lid Army. If you enjoy our bullshit, get more of it. An extra exclusive episode every Wednesday, early access to the public episodes, and dozens and dozens of incredibly well-produced Patreon specials. And the last of them is the Red Bull Soapbox, part one and two. and they've gone down

incredibly well for as little as three pounds a month you get access to everything the back catalog and you can see why um i've just paid adam 100 pounds fuck me that was a good day wasn't it yeah and we've just recorded loved it the special that's going to go out in september and that was a good day, wasn't it? Yeah. And we've just recorded the special that's going to go out in September. And that was one of my most fun days. The hangover I had yesterday was just bang out of order. Yeah. Oh my God. I'm still sore today.

I'd suggest if we end Patreon specials in a tequila bar, it's going to be a problem. That we have to fold one off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Coming next month. how bad was it horrific stinker what time you out till um about half one that's not it's decent about half one it was a long day though wasn't it yeah i. I bottled for a kebab. So much tequila. Mm.

I still went to the gym yesterday. I seen that. You're a fucking lunatic. I kind of enjoyed it. That's insane. A weird feeling. I wasn't, like I was,

I don't know, I enjoyed it. Oh, I got my testosterone results back. And? I'm fine. I've got fine, normal testosterone.

Even after you rigged it? Just a pussy. I tried to rig it. I think I ruined it, you know? They were like, I don't know if you've had sexual um i'm just going to say sexual intercourse but i don't sexual activity i don't know if you've come yeah and i'd come loads goose laura and um i had three wanks i think i ruined it i was trying to cheat to get lower testosterone i think i revved myself up yeah wouldn't that make it higher? I don't know! That's what Tyson Fury

does, isn't it? Tyson Fury wanks like eight times a day. I thought that's what boxers did. They didn't do it. I thought they didn't have sex. Some don't, but Tyson Fury daffo wanks loads. I was convinced my testosterone was low. And now it's not. So what do you think it is?

Oh. I think he's just 42. Probably vaping. Yeah. Shall we do some? Where, Phil? Ben says, I was at a comedy club last month and saw one of the comics

cracking on with a girl from the audience after the show. She was fit, to be fair, but it occurred to me that it must be pretty easy to pull at a show you've just ripped. In your single days,

did you take advantage of this or did you avoid the groupies? What a stupid question. Like if you're in a bar after a show and attractive girls coming over and going, you were dead funny, I want to suck you off. No, madam. Is that how they open?

Some of them are confident. Yeah. Former drama students. I had it go wrong a couple of times. And yeah, when I started, I was like, this is great. But then I sort of learned that some of them were mental. Yeah. Yeah. There's mental women everywhere.

Yeah. Is there a type of comedy that works best? Like the prop comics get in. Jonglers. Yeah. Prop comics get junglers yeah prop comics get low magicians are cleaning up um no i don't think prop comics are i mean i saw some comics do bits it's the headliners the single young headliners who were shit hot and usually the ones that had shagging bits like the ones who were talking about sex and it just projects out to the crowd, doesn't it?

Like Jim Jefferies in his single days as a younger man was unbelievable with the lady date. But there were some mentals as well. And I'd also add that I actually married a girl from a gig so i've completely just remembered how i met laura but that was when i wasn't doing it as much then i sort of got yeah i did just didn't do it as much like as i got older only one of my long-term relationships i didn't meet through work everyone else I've met through doing stand-up. That's mad.

At a gig? I didn't know that. I thought you were out there in the real world. One, I met at a gig. One, I met on Tinder. And two, I met through them being fans of the show. People I've been in long-term relationships with. So two at a gig one tinder

and two through being like sort of vocal fans of Hathaway yeah erm where's that Cam says yes lads

not sure if you saw but a French pole vaulter missed out on a medal at the Olympics because his massive penis hit the pole yeah my question is, what sport do you think would be most hindered if you had a monstrously big manhood?

Adam, you know. The high jump. Like, very clearly, the high jump. And here's the thing. I think what happened to this pole vaulter who lost a medal because his cock hit the pole is better than the gold. Well, he's been offered a quarter of a mil

to do porn now. Immediately. Do you know I discovered a life hack the other day, by the way? Watch porn while you're shaving your cock. Makes it easier. What? When you shave your cock.

Oh, so you're hard? So you get hard while you watch, so you put porn on in the bathroom. Yeah. Get your dick nice and hard. Makes it easier to shave it. I, listen, I've had many variation on a wank, but I've never whipped out a Gillette.

No, I'm not wanking. Not a Gillette, Dan. I'm not wanking. I just want an erection. Manscaped. You're just getting, you're just getting hard to shave. Are you shaving the shaft? Yeah.

The bottom. Oh, I've got like weeds. Right. Like cockweeds. Right. Whip out, whip out Pornhub and Manscaped at the same time. Yeah. This guy's like, yeah, like, oh, by the way, we like pole vaults easy.

I've watched it a couple of times with the Olympics and it looks fucking incredibly difficult. I saw it though. Yeah. Isn't the pole doing all the way? No. No. No. Just get a bigger pole. if you had a pole and just ran at it, you'd just twat a pole into the ground and fall over.

Yeah, if I'm on my first go, absolutely, yeah. But they've been training for years. The high jump. They just need the pole to be higher than the fucking thing. The high jump looks easy. The long jump looks easy. The fucking triple jump where you're like, oh, skipping a half and a jump.

Like, okay, I know it's hard to get the length that they're getting but it's just running and jumping everyone can do that pole vault is a fucking accident waiting to happen yeah that looks well difficult i totally disagree and i've got the dick for it i could clear that easily i'm touching no fucking poles the plant is who's the current uh who's like the reigning world champion he saves his like world record breaks because he holds a record by like a centimeter each olympics or each world because then his sponsors pay him out for it because otherwise so he's got a deal with adidas yeah or yeah or some sportswear company and now if you break a world record at a major competition we'll pay you. You'll get like a lump sum. So he controls.

He could smash the world record if he wanted to, but he just inches it up. But would you rather that or Brazzers? Would it have to be a pole vault like themed porn video? Like has he got to like, your pole's massive. And then just like jump into a load of women. And just start fucking on the big padded bit do you not think it's so much better

than winning the gold he's now the man with the big dick yeah he's there's not much better in life I mean he literally

like he can go home to the pub and his mates be like how's it going at the Olympics he's like I would have won gold but my cock was too big

that's why he didn't win he's doing alright and even if that wasn't why he didn't win that's why he didn't win yeah I would have won as well but my cock's just too big. That's why he didn't win. He's doing all right. And even if that wasn't why he didn't win, that's why he didn't win. Yeah. I would have won as well, but my cock's just too big.

Have you watched any Olympics? Yeah, I've watched, yeah, a bit of it. Not as much as I used to watch, because they don't show as much of it anymore. But I've watched a bit of it. I feel like it's been

all over my Instagram. Like, I feel like, I haven't actually watched any on the BBC, but I've just seen so much. It's just been constantly on in our flat so whenever i come in it's just on so and then you just instantly give a shit about whatever's on yeah have you seen the steeplechase i didn't know that was an event what's that they make it's like a 3 000 meter race but they make the men do horse jumps in like ponds oh yeah yeah i didn't know that was a thing that's so class they jump

into like it's gotta be new and what um no that's like you could do that for years yeah like an old one and there's also the rest they're basically doing hedge jumping yeah but there's like a there's like a fucking hedge thing and then there's water on the other side i'm telling you what i grew up with some smack heads who were training for that by jumping over back gardens and they were the fucking they've absolutely smoked that event. Have you seen the wrestler as well? I love hedge jumping. It was so,

what a wrestler. Fucking shit. The wrestler that's won five, he's won his fifth consecutive gold medal. The Greco Roman. Greco Roman wrestler. And he's matched the, he's a Cuban wrestler

and he's matched the records of most consecutive golds in wrestling that's been held since ancient Greek times, which is a ballsy fucking... Right. Do you know what I mean? And he's made 32 grand. It's amazing.

I watched the skateboarding. That was good. Skateboarding in the Olympics is mad because every other event, they've got full Olympic kits, haven't they? And the skateboarding, they just look like they've been the van shop. It's really class.

I think they should make them wear Lycra. Tony Hawk's like cheering them on. There's a 51 year old dad. I know. It was like a load of 17 year old kids and then just like you. One of the Chinese, I think the Chinese skateboard was 12.

12 year old girl. Crazy. Hang on. Is there no bottom age for the Olympics? You can just do it as young as you want. If you're good enough, you're old enough. But they don't stick 12-year-olds against, like, Bolt. Do you know what I mean?

No, they don't. Because they'd get smoked. But they can do, like, kickflips and all that shit. And the gymnastics is all, 15 year olds in it. Did you see the Chinese girl who absolutely smoked the cycling thing? No. The cycling.

The velodrome. The laps one. Yeah. But where they all race each other. So, oh no, it was not cycling. It was the speed skating. This wasn't this Olympics. This was a while ago.

Oh yeah. The one where she lapped them all. She just goes, do you know what? I'm going to go. And they're like, the others are like, oh no, this is not the game plan we'll get her later and then they forget that she's done it at the back the best bit is as they get around to the finish line they think they're racing so they fucking lunge like oh shit i've got to win this forgetting

there's a chinese girl behind them that's in the lead. So the other Chinese girl, who's not a moron, doesn't stop racing. So then she goes from fourth into second, keeps going and gets the silver. It's the most stupid fucking four minutes of any sport I've ever seen. Just by some kid going, I'm just going to bolt it. Unbelievable.

Personal highlight of the Olympics. I know it's kind of on brand for me. The Turkish shooter. Did you see him? Unreal. Could you? That was given. Could it be your Olympics. I know it's kind of on brand for me. The Turkish shooter. Did you see him? Unreal. Could you? That was given. It could be your dad, couldn't it?

It was a thinner version of my dad. My dad's got a bit of a belly on him, but he was just there like, yeah, fuck off. All he had was like earplugs and a gun. And he got silver. Is he fucking shoot, shoot? Good. Unreal.

Some of them have like back posture things and like little monocle he turned up in like a hoodie yeah i'll do this all the time bing where you from in turkey when he'd lift his hand up as well he wouldn't even look he wouldn't look forward so he'd look down lift his hand up and then look up and choose it yeah he knows from like the position of his hand rather than it'd be great if he did it like a cowboy and just did it from the hip fuck up um shall we do some advice i think we should i'll solve your problems i'll tell you the best thing to do if you want to do it you'll be fine fine. If you don't, you might do time. Agony Adam.

Send yours in to haveawordpod at gmail.com. This one you're going to need the gavel for. We're going to sit Judge Rowe residing. Residing? Is it a confession? It's a bit of advice, but we need a judgment okay um so we'll call this the have a word court louis says lads i need you to settle a major debate between me and my fiance hey mate we've got our wedding in a few months and i've let her have the say of almost

everything at the wedding the one thing i really care about is our first dance the song for our first dance i'm so set on dancing to slide away by oasis which means a lot to me but my fiancee will not fucking budge from invisible invisible string by taylor swift despite also having the choice of the flowers and the food and the dress code and the venue which song which which song should we which song should we go for lids or? Or can you find a compromise? Love the pod. Okay. Just one sec.

Slide away. Oh. I'm just getting the lyrics up. Slide away and give it all you got. My today fell in from the top. I dream of you and all the things you say. I wonder where you are now. Hold me down.

The world's asleep. I need you. Now you've knocked me off my feet. You didn't need to Google this. I could have told you all of these. I'm sure you could, you little pedophile. I dream of you and me talking, the world's asleep. I need you. Now you've knocked me off my feet. You didn't need to Google this. I could have told you all of these. I'm sure you could, you little pedophile. I dream of you and me talking, growing old, but you said, please don't.

Sliding baby, together we'll fly. Sliding baby, together we'll fly. I try praying, but you don't know what you're saying to me. Now that you're mine We'll find a way Of chasing the sun To be fair, of the Oasis tunes, that's the most romantic one.

It is, yeah. So that's why I got the lyrics up, because I like that song, but I've never really paid attention to what it's about. There's a beautiful acoustic version of that. It's a bit of a slow dance. Yeah, I suppose that works, doesn't it?

Slide in. First of all, I don't know. I just don't believe there's a man on this planet who only cares about the first dance. How about this?

Let her have the first dance she wants and just have this as the second song. Just keep her happy. He says it means a lot to him, though, to be fair. Yeah, he says it means a lot to him though to be fair yeah he says it means a

lot to him but that means he's a gimp do you know what i mean i think and he's an oasis gimp i think the only thing i'd care about is the music for the whole day yeah totally like i i'd really want to say in the music to get to play at my wedding but the first dance like just i just i am a big actual believer like if i'm being fully honest on a wedding day this might be old-fashioned and sexist give her what she wants for everything she's asked about and he's like oh really me like it doesn't matter whether it was your first second or third dance really be logical okay be like just think about it she'll be made up if you just give her away and just have it as the second

time you dance together and it it makes no difference really who's asked what was yours it was van morrison it was bitches ate shit is that van morrison it's van mor, bitches ain't shit. It was Van Morrison, Days Like These. Days Like This. I can't remember. And then we sort of let that play for about a minute and a half. And then it sort of, we mixed it into, not mixed it in, but it changed into Call Me Al by Paul Simon.

To get everyone in. And then that was the bit where everyone got in. And we told the groomsmen and the bridesmaids when the song changes, just grab everyone and move in. Yeah. So it was like, that was great. But we just, like, we didn't, it's funny with this because it is, that thing of like,

just give her what she wants. It's her day. It is your thing of like, just give her what she wants. It's her day. It is your day as well. Like you get to, you're allowed to state a preference here and there. Yeah, you are. But I just don't think the man's allowed to dig his heels in. The man is allowed to state a preference and go, I prefer this. And if she wants to give you it, but if she gives you any pushback,

just let her have it. Invisible String by Taylor Swift. I don't know it. Do you know what Invisible String 30 is? is right do you know what it is no so invisible string 30 is that and it's not just for romantic partners this it's that there is certain people in your life that are meant to be in your life and you are connected via an invisible and invisible string so like it could be like um friends that you've like met or like you could make an argument if you believe in invisible string theory

that there's one between me and you. Because when I started comedy, you sort of looked after me and put me in touch with certain clubs and stuff and sort of took a liking to me. And if you hadn't done that, maybe this doesn't happen. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you know what I mean? Okay. And it can happen with like, you know like when people meet someone who's like they end up with years later, like you meet them your friends maybe you lose touch but then you meet again and like that's where invisible string 30 comes from and it's like sort of a destiny of connection so i don't know the lyrics to invisible string by sailor swift but that is what it will be about it's a nice bit of romanticizing of you get on with someone you

like them yeah you just want them in your life. What about, here's a third option, what about if they can't settle on one, what about if they have their second choice? Have they not got a song together? Most couples have a song, don't they? Like, it's like, that's our song. Yeah, but they're not always suitable for a first dance, do you know what I mean? Sometimes they are.

Pony. Smacked my bitch up. I'll tell you what's a good first dance song uh paramore i still into you i've seen i've seen like a girl do a a tiktok version of it for like a face dance i should be over all the butterflies i'm into you i haven't seen the seen one of those choreographed first dances yet in the wild I don't know how I'd

also maybe the best first dance song ever is the Friends theme tune if you do it wedding style and then get all the groomsmen do you mean like with a string quartet? I'll be there for you when the rain starts to pour.

I'll be there for you. But then everyone's thinking about Matthew Perry. Yeah. I thought you were going to go country. I thought you were going to say like Tennessee whiskey. That would be a great one. That would be the right tempo. It is. That is the That would be a great one. That would be the right tempo. It is.

That is the right tempo for a slow dance. Adam's just chosen his first. Well, there's also a couple of Luke Combs ones that were beautiful, crazy, good. I'm on the guy's side here, I won't lie. Really? Yeah. It's only because he's picked an Oasis song.

Yeah, a little bit. Yeah. Judge Adam. Yeah, fair. Will give his judgement now. Stop being a gimp, let your beard have what she wants and you might get chewed off on your wedding day. This is from anonymous... I don't know. Get on that invisible string.

Anonymous lady says, need some advice boys, keep me anonymous as my boyfriend is a lid. We've been together coming up to four years now and he's always had this big sculpted beard i always thought it made him look sexy well this week he's decided he's done with the beard for good and despite me being unhappy with it he shaved it off fully he asked me how i thought it looked and i lied and said he looked good but the past few days i've been racking my brain as i genuinely now don't think he's attractive he's tried to get frisky the past few days i've been racking my brain as i genuinely now don't think he's attractive he's tried to get frisky the past few nights and i've shunned him off claiming i've not

been up for it but really i don't think i can stay with him whilst he doesn't have his beard how do i get him to grow it back or should i just try and get used to it from an anonymous it's fucking shallow Yeah, but like, if you were with a girl for four years and then she grew a beard, you'd have every right to be like... Order, order. It's not the same thing.

That's slightly different. Why is it different? Come on. Why is it different? Because you can't... No. Because shaved and not... Bearded and shaved men is a standard thing.

Bearded ladies is for the circus. Isn't it? Or Eurovision. Or Turkey. True. Look, he's allowed to do whatever he wants with his facial hair, and so are you. You are allowed to state a preference.

You should go to him and go, hey, babe, you know the way I told you you look good with no facial hair? I was lying. You're revolting me. Like, you're knocking me sick. But you do you. He should want to feel attractive. You do you.

You're knocking me sick. I'm not fucking touching it. I'm not kissing it. I'm not sitting on it. But you do you. I'll be in the spare room. Yeah. Like, go and be honest with him.

But, like, it is his decision. But he should want to feel attractive. He should want you to be attracted to him. So he should listen to you. Yeah, but also, like, so my top lip is always quite thick and I get food in it and then sometimes it just stays in it.

So, like, I wouldn't... That's because you're disgusting. Or, like, it'll go into my mouth and I'll, like, chew it. Well, then shave your tash and be your fucking gr into my mouth and I'll like chew it. Well, then shave your tash and beat your fucking grubby cunt. No, but it was so much easier if I just took it off because it takes ages to get to that point. I know, Harry.

There's a nice midway there where you just trim your moustache a bit. I do. It's getting fucking food in it. Not all the time, but like it... Your missus is like, oh, fucking hell, Harry. A bit of casserole in that. Lovely. the time, but like it. Your missus is like, oh, fucking hell, Harry, a bit of casserole in that. Lovely. I'd look strange without it anyway.

You, like every time I get my, my driver's license out, someone will make a comment. It doesn't look like you. It's not a bad thing. It doesn't look like you. That's not a bad thing.

You'd do well to not look like you. I think you've got to know your own face. Yeah. And don't fuck with it too much. I think it is on him a little bit. I know you're allowed to do what you want with your face, but if it's a unanimous, like, what the fuck is going on? Four years out the window, just because he's shaved.

I understand the instinct, though, because I've messed with this, and Laura was like, she's warmed to it now. But if she really dug her heels in and gone, I can't stand it, I'd probably change it back. Is there a part of you

that would feel- There is a point where you've got to sort of go, there's only one, one woman I'm trying to bang. Would you not feel upset though that she felt like that just because you changed your facial hair?

I don't know. She's going to have a pillow head soon, isn't she? Fucking full of Botox on the allotment. I might go clean everywhere but my tash before the next country event. You haven't done that yet? No.

When was the last time you were clean shaven? In lockdown. In lockdown one. That's a long time. Really? Yeah. Not for long. I did it, got a passport photo taken, and that's a long time really not for long I did it hated it

got a passport photo taken and that's permanent and then I grew up back to Acer one more bit of advice before we get the wonderful Finn Taylor in anonymous

quick bit of advice please my girlfriend has started listening to the pod is why it needs to be anonymous girlfriend of two advice please um my girlfriend has started listening to the pod is why it needs to be anonymous girlfriend of two years came around my house took a while in the toilet obviously had a shit but then went in the bathroom an hour later and she'd forgotten to flush so i've now looked at a toilet full of her poo do i bring it up or not out of sight out of mind is all the blessing no what do you mean do you mean, do you bring it up? Like, you could have done it in the moment,

in a jokey way and gone, babe, you've left a fucking mountain of poo in the toilet, you fucking animal, and made her laugh about it. You can't, like, a few days later be like, sit down, no, come in, sit down. Listen, like, no need to be ashamed, but I did find a toilet full of your shit. Just want to let you know.

What are you bringing it up for? Flush the toilet and fuck off. Babe, why are you bringing it up? Don't know. Just think it needs to be discussed. It was massive. And although I didn't have to touch it or anything, I did have to flush and lean over it slightly.

Have you ever seen Laura's poo? Oh, I'm not even sure she poos, you know? I mean, she suggests that she might be but i don't know for definite she's a stealth shitter oh she's so stealth when we met we stayed at my mate's uh flight in london for the weekend and he was away for work so we got this really nice gaffe for the weekend and i thought she was in i honestly on like day three i thought she'd done with me i thought she was like giving off the vibes of like a woman who just woken up and was fuming with me and we went out for a bit of

breakfast and came back and i was like i don't know what has happened i was trying to wrap my brain like what has happened like yesterday what did i say something last night that's pissed her off i think i think she wants to end this relationship. It's gone really weird. And she had held in a shit for 72 hours and was in physical pain because her body was like, please let me shit. And she was held onto it. And she'd got herself so wound up

that she was going to have to poo anywhere near me in the flat. And like, it was unreal but you're not left though because i'm sure it's a lot easier for a woman to discreetly shit than a man in general no but because women can take longer in the bathroom and you don't suspect anything whereas if a man's more than like a couple of minutes you know he's out of shit also no one gives a fuck it's not like i'm at the fucking door that, that's not shower. That's a shitting shower. I don't care.

But she got so wound up. Also- One of my ex-girlfriends wouldn't perv if I was in the flat. Even in his. In the flat? Yeah. Not just- That's insane.

She could have had a shit at the cafe. She's so mental about shitting. She's like, I can't shit somewhere else. She has to shit in a controlled space. So the option was- I had such a similar thing to this. Go and have a shit in Maccy's.

No, couldn't possibly. So finally- I would be sent for a walk. What is wrong? And she went, I need to poo. I've not been able to poo. Oh my God.

Ridiculous. I think I might have even done that. Might have left the flat so she could poo. I came back, she was a fucking new woman. About 15 pounds lighter mental i understand it though shitting early on in dating is is a weird one but by the way if you

are like a person who can just poo anywhere i mean i'm not like on the carpet but if i watch laura like getting a fucking tiz about where she can and can't do a shit it looks like a fucking nightmare it's like a superpower being able to be like i need a toilet and can't do a shit it looks like a fucking nightmare it's like a superpower being able to be like i need a toilet and oh there's a toilet i'm gonna use it she's so wound up about where she goes and you poo anywhere never a problem i mean i've got preferences like a five-star hotel bathroom yeah wonderful you know a service station on the m6 not ideal but if it's go time, I might plop on the motorway.

Did you have a poo in school? Because that was always like a no-go. You couldn't have a poo in school. Yeah, I think I did, but I'd avoid it. If any lad was caught having a poo in school. Yeah. People would like take pictures of you. Yeah, you'd be outed for,

oh my God, he had a poo in school. I can't even remember i up until i reckon it was when i joined have a word i wouldn't shit anywhere but at home or like if i was in a hotel i wouldn't i just wouldn't use a public toilet whereas now you know shit freely on the street we've changed yeah yeah i've become That's the eyebrows. Yeah. It's a big shit. Yeah, never bring it up. Ever. Don't bring it up.

Come on. Let's have a break. I think I'm in a two-day hangover. Well, you look good, mate. Who have we got here? Finn. Like one. How are we doing, boys? All right. how many times have you been with us now it's like four or five i don't know it's a lot though isn't it yeah i haven't been for a while though

yeah good to be back i think it's only public episode three though isn't it it's hosted all right hosted one yeah your uh your hall of, definitely. This is when you've done specials and guest hosted and third episode. Popular Al guest. We're just there before we start recording talking about the newest series of Finn vs. the Internet.

Because you're doing a premiere of the whole thing, aren't you? Well, we're doing two cinema screenings of two of the patron length, about 25 minutes each episodes with like a live Q&A podcast thing in a cinema in London, September. Yeah, they're getting longer.

The production values are just going crazy because we're on patron now. It's just funny spending money on shit like the show is so stupid part i think part of the biggest joke is how good it now looks it looks unbelievable it looks unbelievable like it looks better than most tv shows yeah it's all digital this is my pete who's now is it just green screen yeah yeah and he built a digital set like he i mean holy shit that And he built a digital set. Holy shit, that looks good for a digital set. Yeah, it's all...

I don't know what he's done. There's a lot of things in his life that he needs work with, but digital rendering... You guys know better than anyone, the way to make it in comedy now is to weaponise other people's autism. No offence, no offence. To work for you no pete wells is an absolute audio visual audio visual genius and he he's basically made the whole thing you can really trace like because

because we've done four seasons now and we take a little break in between each one and they're all up on on youtube so you can really you can really get cut through the tree and see the rings yeah basically you can track pete's involvement is so obviously getting more you're getting bigger every series because the first one it just looks so shit the first one i mean isis had a better hostage video it's a finn versus theording above a pub. And their hostages are often less upset than yours are about being there. Yeah, similar vibe, similar vibe. That series was genuinely a hostage situation because we hadn't told,

we didn't have a show yet. We just had an idea. And then the second series, Pete Lennon's from Kit, looks a lot better. Third series, he comes on at a day rate and starts actually making it look nice. And then this series,

he's been able to pay him properly. He's just had full reign to just go ape shit on it and it looks yeah as you say it just looks fucking you had an animated weed dream just in the middle of yeah yeah we had an animated sequence well it's just like fuck it why not you know i mean we've got this got this loyal fan base of incels that uh are just paying us every month to uh how how is it now going to get get by the way if you haven't watched from this internet just pause this here and go and watch an episode or some of the clips because what i want to know is how how much like sort of negotiating are you having to do with these guests or their managers because now they know what the show is yeah this is but i think people want to do it and i never really know why or and i think a lot of people are just taught like m dot who that's the the

first episode of this series is out now on youtube um his manager wanted to do it and he was like and i was like oh no i'm gonna get rinsed that's all he knew so i don't think he quite appreciated the effort we were going to go into to rinse him with like costume changes So I don't think he quite appreciated the effort we were going to go into to rinse him with like costume changes. And I don't think he realized that we'd do an animated sequence where we turn him into an Oompa Loompa and I sexually assault him.

I don't think he realized that. And he did try and leave during the recording. But as I was saying before, we've got so many cameras now that we basically plug the hole that the guest walks onto set with, with a camera. So he gets up to go and then goes fucking

and just has to sit down again. So yeah, I mean, I've got a guy who books guests now and people want to do it. So it's, and also we get them to sign something that is absolutely beyond watertight. I mean, I could release merch lines with their images

after they've signed our release forms. Like it's mad what they sign. That's insane. Imagine like at some point you're going to get pushback from someone's manager where they're like, this is bollocks. They're just, you know, people just go, oh, that was fun and just sign and then, you know.

Do they sign that before or after you record it? After. No one reads it, though. It's like the iTunes agreement. You know what's in that episode of South Park? It's great. He doesn't read the agreement, and then he ends up getting stitched to make a human centipede.

Oh, yeah. It's basically that. That's what our show is. Class. Human centipede with an influencer in the middle. Do you go to efforts to make them feel uncomfortable? Because there's a shot in the M. Sorry?

Obviously that, but I mean like. I'm not trying hard enough. So Eric Andre, like when he does his show, he'll turn like the heating on full blast. Yeah, we're not doing any of that. There's a shot with the M.R. one where you're just kind of almost like looking off into space and then you just ask him if like women crossed the road when oh yeah yeah well that that's just more just in the edit like because we

record for an hour and a half two hours and then there's obviously breaks there's we have to there's a lot of like resets if i've got a costume change or we're doing something mad or like we're bringing someone else in and they never know what's happening. So there's a lot of, sometimes they're just waiting around and then it's about, yeah, I just, I liked, because the story of that episode is him getting increasingly more annoyed slash confused until when he tries to walk out. So I just, I liked putting that,

that just bit of awkwardness in there where he's just like looking around waiting for the next question. Is he the closest you had to someone actually getting off? Yeah. He's our sort of Preston on Buzzcocks. He's the first attempted walkout. Although he was rolling.

It's weird because he was enjoying it. And he's commenting on the... He wasn't angry and getting... He wasn't like, oh, this has to end. It's a weird one that he... I don't know. I mean, mean to be fair i don't know how i'd play it if i was a guest i don't know what i'd do so i mean you can never expect i never you know never demanding a guest to be a certain way and what makes it interesting every time i think is that it's it's always good it depends on the get it's always going to be different like it depends on how um

depends on the get it's always going to be different like it depends on how um squeamish they are um there's one in this series about to come out where a guest is nearly sick there's um depends how genuinely deluded they are i mean there's there's people on who who don't seem to understand that they're big because people are taking the piss out of them and we've got one of them on this season and that's a whole like i can't wait to actually edit that one that's a whole car crash um i can't wait for that i don't even know what it is i'll keep my powder dry but i will say that yeah we've got had an animated sequence we had guns we had child actors it's pretty fucking wild not on the same day you can't have guns and child actors on the same day but um yeah it's it's patreon really it's i mean i don't have to tell you guys what patreon enables you to do but it's crazy they just um it just gives you like

a i can just throw everything at it and i know i'll pay it off eventually you know yeah so have you got a bucket list of like is there some guests that you're like i really want to get sidemen all of them all of them i want to do a feature length hour and a half with all nine sidemen uh i want to do amelia chicken shop date i already know what i do for that that one. I really, really, really want Matt Hancock. I know he won't do it. Although I don't know that, actually. I think he could be so desperate that he'd do it at some point.

Once that I'm a celeb money drives up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's really still paddling around. And it can get massive, and then you can just do what Sacha Baron Cohen did and go to America and go. You just start, you just unwrap it all again. Well, yeah. So if we hit 2000 patrons, paid members,

then we're going to go America and try and make a series out there. So that's next year. We're hoping to do that. Just the British American thing would add a whole new level to it i think um and yeah as you say there's loads of people out there that i mean there's some real fucking freaks out there that's what we want to get basically yeah because i remember you you were telling me about this years ago the roast, it was, because I, on the way to,

there you go. It's been a long day. On the way to meet you guys for the roast, I stopped off and bought a burner phone because I was pretending to be a white woman called Lola. Is this what you told your wife then? I was genuinely flirting with people on the internet no it's because i was booking the influencers through false pretenses so i had a burner phone they could ring but none of them ever did but um yeah that was that was that was what two years ago

yeah that's when i started yeah 2022 just over march 2022 something like that yeah because like originally i think even before that you this was i think this sort of evolved from a pilot you were doing for channel four i believe um no well sort of i did a pilot for channel four and it was i was a fake lbc host and it was we were in a studio that had they had this technology that made it look like it was streaming live on youtube and the comments were were real people when in fact it was writers in the next room that were pretending to be sound engineers and the idea was you get like michael govon and say someone from someone from blackpool's just said that we should behead all cats or so you get them to like you know actually respond uh we had the commissioner of channel four at the time in the edit with us being like this is great taking this to the commissioner's breakfast tomorrow didn't

hear from them for like two weeks and then and then we emailed and they're like oh yeah i've left channel four sorry so that never got picked up but i i saw how they that whole it was sasha brown's production company so i saw how they made everything so i was like i'll just do that but on like a smaller scale with internet people and then it became the show it did basically but yeah i actually had a meeting with a commissioner at channel four like two weeks ago nice little full circle moment he was like oh do you reckon you could do the show on channel four i was like fuck no you're kidding i can't shock anyone if it's everything i say has been put through 20 lawyers you know what I mean? Yeah, imagine that M.Dot episode going out on like terrestrial television.

It would be 30 seconds long. But it must be so frustrating if you're a TV person going, this is where it's at. This is the kind of thing we need. I feel sorry for him. The reason it exists here is because you can't do it.

Yeah, totally. And I've said to him, I feel sorry for you because you're in a rock yeah totally and he's i've said to him i feel sorry for you because you're in a you're in a rock and a hard place like what what do you do like you're aware that all the all the people have like for comedy all the audience has left but you've you've got a remit as a public service broadcaster and anything you put out that's vaguely like flavorful or spicy or got any kind of i don't know got any personality to it yeah he's gonna get uh one side of the other or one group of the other is going to complain so yeah no he's fucked really it's not going to get through a commissioner's breakfast is it no like that's where netflix i know they've

had issues with things in the past but it's just so much freer because they don't have to go through what British television has to go through. And same as- I believe the law is they can't put anything properly offensive on telly in case people accidentally watch it. Yeah. That's what it is. Like if you're flicking through the channels

and you land on channel four and you're doing anything from that episode, then people go, i didn't choose to watch that but the reason netflix gets around that because it's just you've got to go i want to watch that show yeah with the irony of course is that you're much more likely to stumble on something in an algorithm that offends you than you are on tv yeah but we i don't care have you had have you had much negativity from it or has it kind of

found the audience where they're not offended well it's I mean it definitely has found the audience that I mean every yeah I mean people are arguing

look there's some people are arguing in the comments about anything I mean I could put a clip up about you know I don't know

a football team and someone would bring the holocaust into the comments I mean people are fucking mental Tottenham yeah

Tottenham Tottenham yeah there you go Ro just did it now would bring the holocaust into the comments i mean people are mental yeah hey yeah there you go roe just did it now you're saying tottenham hotspur orchestrated the holocaust absolutely yeah yeah right fine you quote me on that yeah that's how they funded their new stadium anyway um just clip that and send that to channel 4 yeah fuck it we could do have a word late night weren't you going to do have a word on channel 4 or something like it

weren't you Comedy Central got in touch Comedy Central got in touch at one point yeah and we're like

we can make have a word TV yeah and but I think they it was something like the podcast would have to stop during series so that we're pushing people to this.

And I was like, well, that's ballant. And then there was another production company who come to me and was like, we want to make essentially a podcast for telly. Yeah. Like not, it wouldn't be a podcast.

It would be a TV show, but how do we get what, um, what you've done? We have a way to translate to TV I spoke to Dan and Dan was like I think we should keep it separate he didn't want anything to do with it so it was going to be called Adam Rose um group chat show and the the group chat show instead of just being a chat show and the the idea was it was me and four comics but then the audience sort of says up to the same

as alan davies as yet untitled yeah the audience around us but it essentially becomes a group chat and if you were coming to the recordings you would be put into a whatsapp group chat for a week before and you could send memes and like videos and you know have you read in the hugh edwards story like that'll get made now by the way there's absolutely no copy right on it you know in the hugh edwards story like that'll get made now by the way there's absolutely no copy that's on it you know in the hugh edwards story that's just come out when they're the they're explaining what a category a image is and the category b image is like involving animals and i'm just thinking there are some stag do whatsapp groups i'm still on where everyone is going to jail if that you know you know you're on these groups where someone you someone just sent 9m someone sends you a german woman shitting into her own mouth in the street and you go right

that's just fine is it this tag team was eight years ago we've all got kids like what are we doing it's uh i've i've spoken about this on stage before like if you're i think i think it was about uh sort of comedians getting in trouble and I was like if you ever want to publicly criticise a comedian you should have to release your group chat

history like if you're going he shouldn't be allowed to make that joke I want to see what jokes you've made and laughed at

in your stag do groups in your work groups and I think school mates groups are the worst like I'm hen do's are the worst absolute Hendoos are the worst.

Absolute worst. Hendoos, stag do chats. My wife has shown me something. Fucking hell. Hugh Edwards should be freed. Is that what they're saying? That's what my wife's Hendoos are. Barbaric.

Absolutely barbaric. I'm in a golf group chat with three lads I went to school with. And it's called four balls one cup i like that and it's uh it's i mean it's there's very little golf chat in it yeah yeah yeah yeah it's it's just the worst that the internet has to offer yeah like if there's any golf-related stuff in it it's like people teeing off on people's cocks like out of like vaginas and stuff but yeah i mean if anyone ever comes for people's whatsapps i think the whole thing will break because it's just like you know it's like that whatsapps now are like a priest's confession booth aren't they yeah it's like we all think

they're sacred or whatever and they're not someone's got them someone's got them someone's usually a sure destruction that's basically what it is yeah i wonder if there's any people who would survive it yeah do you reckon just boring cunts yeah but like there can't be enough of them i think most of society is is us yeah yeah i think most of society is oh don't be saying, yeah. I think most of society is, oh, don't be saying that in public. And then behind it, it's like, yeah, I think most of society is us. Do you not agree?

Yeah, I think there are some dry, most of the people I know, I'm totally with you. I just think there's a lot of dry motherfuckers out there who would be like, whoa, dear. Yeah, but they got something else they got something else going on oh yeah in their porn dungeon actual porn dungeon exactly they're

filming the german woman shitting in her mouth you know i mean they're they're they're everyone's going how's everyone got my video on where are my royalties for shitting titan woman or whatever? The worst one that went round years ago was there was a woman who got bummed by a horse. Yeah. But then it come out like after that video had gone like WhatsApp viral that she'd died from the injuries from it

because the horse's cock was just too big and it went, like basically destroyed her bowels. I think it's a horse's cock. I don't think it's a particularly big horse's cock. I think horse's cocks,'t think it's a particularly big horse's cock i think horses cocks like the like the famous phrase horse cock as standard pretty big this poor woman she just this horse had a particularly big horse cock she just she thought she'd be fine she thought it was going to be an average horse cock she should have spent more time at the stables picking up yeah if anything it's her fault uh no it is her

fault actually it is yeah you fuck all i mean yeah we said this before like she's saying she wasn't seduced by black beauty no she wasn't no we've like we said this before in fact i think it was dan like there's there's only certain animals as well. Even if you're the one fucking the animal. Here we go. There's only certain animals where it could possibly be classed as assault. You can't rape a buffalo.

Right. Because if it doesn't want it, you're not going to get to do it. Yeah, bestiality should be legal bigger than a lion. Do you know what I mean? I fully agree with agree with you though if you're fucking a polar bear you've done some groundwork yeah yeah yeah so so i guess what so legally consent with an animal is implied if the animal is not ripping your face off. Exactly. I guess if we're thinking about dogs,

what breed is the cut-off point? Because also, it depends on the strength of the person bumming the dog, doesn't it? We're really doing this. It does, yeah. I love it when people have got those colossal dogs. Yeah.

They're so stupid. Because, for example... He's an absolute... He's a love. You're like, he could kill you all. Like, you know, there's... I guess what I'm saying is... You know, anyone could consensually

fucking ex-hell bully. Right? I don't know, you know. That's what I mean, is that there's no one who could take an XL bully. Oh, right, I see what you mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So if the XL bully is letting them fuck it, fine. Yeah. Some people could get their rip faced off by a schnauzer. In that case,

where do you draw the line? Like Warwick Davis and Perry. There you go. Wow. Is this pre or post-op? Is this six foot three Warwick Davis? Before his big long legs. Sorry, has Warwick Davis transitioned to being a tall man?

He did in the first half of the show. Oh, I see, right. Have you seen how people are getting their legs done? Sorry, Warwick Davis has won silver medal in the women half of the show. Oh, I see, right. Have you seen how people are getting their legs done? Sorry, Warwick Davis has won silver medal in the women's boxing. Is that what's up? I want a lot of money on that. Did she only get silver?

Hey, what? Did she only get silver? I don't know. It's tonight, isn't it? She's in the final tonight. It's the two that have had the controversy that have both got to the final tonight.

Ding dong. Here we go. I think that is the name of one of them. This is the interesting thing. It's ding-be-dong, isn't it? What's the contra... One of the misizations.

They're the same. The same, it's just that one looks slightly less masculine. So they've both got male chromosomes, but vaginas. Yeah. Male chromosomes? Yeah. Got XY chromosomes. They have a higher level of kind of testosterone.

Oh, I thought that was it. It's through, I think it's through kind of like the way they were born, I guess. It's a birth abnormality. She is a woman based on having a puss there since birth. That's what the IOC said the same thing. She got a puss? She got a puss? She got a puss? Let her fight.

I think maybe the issue is that she's Algerian, so she could have been in a burqa until now. So we don't actually know. The trans Muslim community is a hard one to crack, isn't it?

She's... When tested for chromosomes, she's got XY chromosomes, which is the man one it's an ambiguous it's a gray area what would be what'd be really funny is if they entered someone with down syndrome in and they were like well chromosome will have the malady but they're a woman just see just see what fucking happened in the wrestling yeah that is a distinct advantage paralympics downs boxing that's the special olympics there are different yeah paralympics no so the the paralympics and there's the special olympics are they different is that they're not the same thing they're the same

special olympics everyone gets a medal i think oh no no no no like the special olympics is like the special olympics i'm pretty sure was founded by uh jfk's wife that is how are you mate yeah yeah yeah he's right and like that's like sorry syndrome box the whole down syndrome like basketball and that kind of stuff and then the paralympics people with like no arms and stuff they don't put the people they don't put the ex-marines against like people with down syndrome i think that'd be pretty rough well nowadays they'd let that slide wouldn't they all the new boxing rules so hang on so the special olympics are genuinely different things of the paralympics yeah i have no idea i thought it was like a sort of i thought it was like a slayer for the paralympics no and they've not rebranded it it is the Special Olympics when is that happening and when can we watch it there's a golf one

in September oh so there's not just one major every four years they just do events oh I thought I thought there was a proper proper Special Olympics

I've seen like the rhythmic gymnastics at the Special Olympics like not in person they just announced they're on like Special Olympics 296 oh we missed the National Winter Games.

That was in January in Italy. Snowball fight. Sledding and they're just screaming the entire time. Yeah, they do skating. They do dancing. They do skiing and They do skiing.

And they do ski jumps. Musical chairs. Yeah. I don't think it's quite as organised. Didn't know, did you? I didn't know. There was just a big thing that just said dancing. Yeah, I don't think it's...

I had no idea. That's blown my mind. It's blown my mind as well. And I want to go now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you ever seen the Paralympics though? Did you not think like... Well, I just assumed I hadn't qualified.

I've never seen the Paralympic qualifying. Right, 2025, it's in Turin. 8th to the 16th of March. The World Games. Patron special? 100%. Try and enter. The first ever joint Patreon special.

Finn versus the internet. And have a word cola. See? I'm really up for that. I think that'd be great. It's called the World Games now. It's not actually called the... The Special Olympics World Games. They're still doing it so they have they have a still doing it so they

have events of like around the world in different sports but then the world games i guess is like all of the events in one yeah um that's like a full stadium yeah it looks like they've sold out um like the like like wembley but i'm pretty sure everyone gets like some sort of they probably have winners and stuff but i'm pretty sure everyone gets like a carer participation like a participation oh yeah because it's sell it's sell it's not really about like let's make these box i think that's probably how it started. That is a different thing, isn't it? That is a different thing. We should race these fuckers. I can't believe that.

America seemed to absolutely dominate it. They're winning all the golds. Right. They've got the best ones. And Shane Gillis. Got Gillis coaching another time. It was founded by Jackie Kennedy though, wasn't it? No, it was a Kennedy.

Was it Rosemary Kennedy? Eunice Kennedy. I don't know who that is. Oh, yeah. So Eunice was one of the sisters. Rosemary was the one that they gave a lobotomy to. Have you heard about that? I'm pretty sure JFK had a fairly crude lobotomy to have you heard about that i'm pretty sure i'm pretty sure jfk had a fairly crude lobotomy

pioneering surgery didn't quite work out they do table tennis adam do you reckon you'd beat them fuck man i love olympic course i would olympic table tennis is insane they're olympians have you seen the banana shot the? So some guy did the shot. I didn't even know it was a thing. Under the table. No, like, he does it, and it bounces by the net and then comes back to him. So the opponent's just like...

Fuck, it's sick. Just flailing. It's sick, man. Yeah, I think I'd probably win that, yeah. I still think I'd beat Jack Hunters, maybe. We need to make it happen. We do need to make it happen. We do need to make that happen.

There's a Paralympian called Jack Hunter Spivey who's a really good table tennis player. Who's a Paralympian? Yeah. And I just think I'd beat him. Right. He's in a wheelchair. Okay. The other side of the table.

Is he at this Paralympics, Jack Hunter Spivey? I'm not sure. He's a listener. He got on Twitch ages ago because I was talking about how good I was and he was like, come on, play me. Did he win the Commonwealth gold? He won a gold at the Commonwealth. He won bronze at the Tokyo Paralympics.

Do you use Western or Asian grip when you're doing table tennis? Right hand. Okay, fair enough. Finger on the back of the bat yeah what's that is the bat like like that

or are you holding it like that with the like that no bat's in there yeah bat's in there

yeah yeah yeah oh is the Asian the yeah they they hold it like with the handle there and so they're just

basically there's no back hands because they're just doing this the whole time oh they just basically turn it into no back hands because they're just doing this the whole time. Oh, they just basically turn it into their palm. Yeah. It's pretty cool.

Table tennis. That's how my father-in-law plays. When he does the eyes, it's a bit unnecessary. Yeah, well, you've wanted this match for a while, but I don't know if it's going to happen.

We've got to do some sort of games. If you've not done a patron special've got to do some sort of games. Have you not done a patron special like Olympic or some kind of tournament sport thing? We've thought about it,

but we're not sure how everyone just gets too competitive and it's not funny. And by everyone, he means me. I mean Adam. I want to win.

I'm playing and I want to win. I don't think that's unusual. I think it's unusual on the rest of everyone else to be like, I don't really care if I win. See you playing and I want to win. I don't think that's unusual. I think it's unusual on the rest of everyone else to be like, I don't really care if I win. See you in Turin, March next year. I'm here to win.

You've not got a disability. I'm here to win. This is my disability. Have a special amount of competitiveness. Shall we have a break? Let's do it. Finn, you going on tour tour I'm back on tour Back on tour

Tour's been going since February Been on a little summer break Starts again in a couple of weeks Edinburgh Fringe I'm going Leeds again Liverpool again Manchester

Stafford Nottingham, Newcastle, Birmingham, Dublin, Galway, Bristol, Leicester, Oxford, filming a special in Brighton. And then The Forge. Oh, cool. I want to do it at a small club. See, I love that room. I think it's great.

Yeah, and it's sort of in the round. Yeah, it is. Filming it, yeah. So I can sort of in the round so yeah yeah filming it yeah i so i've heard comics go i'm not really into it i don't like but i loved it it's like it's got a revolving dance it really opens me up and i yeah i do you know what i had because down the road from me there's this old ballroom that is actually no one's filmed anything there apart from then i saw baby reindeer and it's the the place where they film his like breakdown. Oh shit. And I was planning on filming a special there, but I realised that I could spend 20 grand on it

and I couldn't guarantee it would be a good actual gig because it's designed for dancing and not, the acoustics are fucked basically. Yeah. So I just thought I'd do it in a really good comedy club and make my life easier. That was one of my favourite nights of the tour last year. Especially I love, because of what happened with the comedian in a really good comedy club and make my life easier. That was one of my favourite nights of the tour last year. Especially,

I love, because of what happened with the Comedia and Stephen Grant and starting a new club. It's got a real like rebel feel to it. Yeah. So, and then I've just added

another London show in the West End, which, yeah, it's on sale. It's all on sale. What dates the Liverpool hot water date? Because I feel like it's...

I want to say the 12th of September. It is the 12th of September. Yeah. Let's get that sold the fuck out. I'll be flying back from Australia that day. So Adam will get there and watch it. Yeah, the tour's been amazing. I did get Will Smith in Exeter.

What? Yeah, I got punched by a middle-aged woman. Not really Will, it's not Will Smith at the Oscars. It's a middle-aged woman from Devon. It's not exactly the same. Did you make a joke about that fella's bald head? Leave my fucking husband's name out your fucking mouth um what happened uh i think she walked into the wrong thing but basically obviously i'm playing i'm playing you know

now nowadays i'm playing to people who know what they're coming to so it's pretty wild from the start you're leaning in i'm leaning in right and i wasn't exactly leaning out before so it's pretty wild from the top and then i think what happened leaning out before so it's pretty wild from the top and then i think what happened is that it's one of those rooms where the the like you walk in and you're basically on stage and then there's a massive rake so everyone can see the the door to get in and out so she walks in and then she saw i think she walks out and then i i i think i only just see her walk out so i go oh even Oh, even by my standards, that is, that is quite early. And then everyone goes,

cause they're just, they're fucking up. And then she, she hears that and walks back in and starts mouthing off about, um, I'll say stuff about pedos or whatever. She's like, well,

fucking what if it was your kids fucking mama? And I'm like, Oh, sorry. Are you, are you an anti-pedo activist? And I basically turned my gig into a pro-pedo rally and then the crowd are going wild and like and then she gets more egged up and basically just walks onto the stage and just like comes up to me just like punches me in the chest

and uh and then everyone's like and you know eventually she leaves and the gig like sort of settles down she leaves yeah no one gets her no well this is the thing at the end then because it's just it's devon in it this sort of you know old hippie with sandals and long hair comes my goes oh yeah i thought for a minute there i might um call someone but you seem to be seem to be handling it fine i was like she could have had a fucking knife mate what are you on about i thought for a minute i might call someone yeah yeah but then he realized you remember it was just him and you'd have to go down a fire escape and it wasn't filmed uh no the aftermath was filmed but the actual moment wasn't filmed yeah but then it's like

people were like oh why didn't you like why don't you defend yourself i was like i'm sorry you think i'm gonna hit a woman on count that's me done isn't it if there's footage of me hitting a middle-aged woman i'm done so just have to take it yeah yeah i mean i think you always have to take it i think you have to take it yeah i think yeah it's a it's a like talking about we talked earlier about just being a nice level of stupid that you don't worry about stuff too much but how many gigs have you done in front of so many people and you're doing jokes that are irritating them and pushing their buttons and you're like i'm sure this is fine this is an invisible line of security yeah they won't walk up those stairs this is art that's yeah yeah yeah anyway but even that i mean that yeah it, yeah, it was probably my favourite gig actually

because it's just the people that weren't punching me were fucking loving it. So, they've all been great. The thing is, like, that's a funny,

she's done you a favour because it's a funny story. As long as it didn't hurt or leave a mark. It did actually, I mean, she's, you know,

this is a fucking middle-aged, she's like a farm, farmhand Devon woman. She's got like a rafa nadal cow milk in arm you know what i mean so it did it was probably got me in the plexus it did hurt but um she punched you she tried to punch you in the chest yeah like yeah bruce lee right yeah yeah it was i'm not sure it was quite uh yeah it was smooth as all that body combat. Again, she did the eyes. It was really weird. Shall we do... Swift turn.

Shall we do some Room 102? Yes. Finn, we've come up with our own concept. It's pretty fresh, pretty new. It's called Room 102. What would you like to disappear into the abyss forever? So there's this concept that I hear a lot of Gen Z people talking about called ics.

Oh, yeah. I think grow the fuck up. Well, we get a lot of ics written in. Yeah. Do you know what? Marriage is just one long ic. Tell us some of the ics you've got with your wife. Well, she shits like a trucker is the main issue.

And there's also, she doesn't seem to understand that the toilet seat has a lid that you then, you're meant to contain the smell. She just shits, toilet seat's open, bathroom door open. Oh, that's not what it's for, is it? Are you meant to put the lid done once you've had a poo oh i think it's there too why is the lid there it's not to contain the smell of shit i've never even thought about the lid on a toilet to talk to someone when they're having a bath

yeah that's in my head yeah the only time i've ever used it but i would just even then i would just sit on the open toilet no what with your trousers on yeah no no surely not i think so i mean i mean if if if this hasn't happened loads but if laura's having a bathroom she needs to talk or something or something's going on i'd always put the little i'd put the little seat down because the thing is is that without the seat the person in the bath is a hostage to you doing having actual shit that's the problem so i think it's a courtesy to going don't worry i'm not gonna shit while you're having a bath it's just a little indicator yeah also if i'm in the bath you don't come in the bathroom that is my time no i don't i don't i know you're having a soak stick a candle on let's have a meeting I love a bath

but that is me time that is fucking leave me alone there is nothing urgent enough for you to need to come and sit on that toilet

I don't care who you are like is your miss is a she doesn't shit with the door open though does she yeah yeah

oh we have very different wives yeah but this is my point is that you know marriage basically exposes people are weird horrible farty disgusting and you just have to deal with it because it's not like a oh an ick fuck off you're gonna get divorced over it fucking hold your nose and plow on, do you know what I mean? Eat your dinner. Eat your dinner.

Sniffing my shit. Yeah, exactly. Put a clothes pick on your nose and gobble, gobble. Like, anyway, I just think it's immature, it annoys me, people are like, oh. Oh, it's absolutely, the ick is the, is a, it's enjoyed by the younger lot, isn't it? It's a preemptive, maybe I'll fuck him, maybe I won't.

But this is what slightly put me off it. Oh, he had a backpack on. Fuck off. It's a backpack and he just gets stuck. What do you want him to do? Just have his stuff in his arms? Like he's going around Sainsbury's. I know girls who think that's Nick.

I know girls who think that's Nick, yeah. They're like, oh, you look like the kid from Up. It's a very personal attack, actually. Is that just you? Yeah. Can I read you some of the icks we've got? Sorry, Dan looks like the old man from Up, so I'm not getting the... Has anyone made that yet?

DVD cover? It was Jordan Lockdown. Someone sent that in, yeah? Yeah. They made us a picture? Here's just... We've just got three or four just to see if you can roll with them.

Lou says, my fella drinks directly from cartons that are meant to be shared, has his lips all around the milk and orange juice, disgusting, gives me the ick. Fucking don't watch him. Fucking what? Are you going to leave him over that?

And also, you probably fucking licked his arsehole. Why can't you have a bit of fucking orange juice with his fucking lip sweat on? Will says uh my bird drinks pints and it gives me the ick if she saw me with a pink gin she'd have the same reaction there's nothing better than a woman who drinks pints it's the best thing in the world it's the opposite of an ick for me yeah it's great that it's the easiest round in the world isn't it oh love it it's so much better than someone who's like i need this specific gin and it needs to be this

stomach and just have a guinness and shut up i love adam's female voice every special they get more disabled what you mean they've not got rhubarb and elderflower gin? Andrea says, when guys wear long parka jackets and walk with their hands in the top two pockets, cannot stand it. That doesn't happen. Like this? What, like up here?

What? All right, boys. Like a T-Rex. What the fuck are you on about? Can you stop editing these while I'm reading them? Because it's going to give me an epileptic fit. You can't say that to me. Oh, yeah, go on, sorry.

Leah says, ick for you. When lads don't know how to do techie stuff, my ick struggled to do sauce on the telly. Proper ick. I can't. There's a big button that's got sauce written on it? Yeah, so he is, I understand that one. I don't know where the saw button is, Liam.

I'm covered in rue, but I'm an elder flower, Jim. You've got to have a basic understanding of TV and stuff, of being able to figure it out. I don't know when I learned that. I am quite terrified of not being able to do anything like handsy. My nan's mate used to phone me and ask for a new story she used to phone me and go uh can you i've i've forgotten how to do this can you talk me through it and i talk her through she had dementia i talked her through how to get back on her skybox good to speak to you again we wrote it down but my father-in-law this is

quite a good i'm gonna do this when i if i you know if i'm ever a father-in-law this is what he did so he when me and my wife started uh dating well when i moved in with her he bought me a drill and it was like this kind of ceremonial like now you fix all her stuff right but it but it turns out it was quite a small drill that can't actually really be used for anything so every time we need to put something up he'd have to come around with his bigger drill and there's this whole like edipool like yeah i'm the guy with the big dick kind of like do you know what i mean it's like a power move alpha move really alpha move yeah so i've still got this pathetic little cuck drill that doesn't fucking work. And he's coming around with this. Do you think I can't now?

He's drinking out of a big green and pink sippy cup. Veritable handy-andy. I can't think. Fuck off. But I know that. So I don't pretend and, like, do a botched job. It's just become obvious that that is not my skill set. If she wants to leave me for a fucking painter and decorator,

so be it. That's my response to the whole ick thing. It's like, oh, it gives me the ick. Well, leave then. If it's that bad a feeling, or is it just fucking putting up with someone you're living with? I mean. I think they're going.

Can I just put a caveat on them going in? Still send them in though, because we want to do it as a feature. I really like it as a feature. I'm starting a new project, like another podcast thing, and we're going to do studio too. I am going to build the set myself. Who built this set? Not Adam.

Did you build this set? Did he fuck? He told people where he wanted things. It's like Steve Jobs. The other one, I'm getting some wood and I'm painting and doing things. What? You're getting some wood? I'm getting some wood and painting.

We're going to do a podcast on a coffee table. What do you mean? I'm building a wooden set. Right. And I'm going to stick it to the wall. You're sticking a wooden set to the wall? Yep. So a desk, chairs, all wooden?

No. No, you've got the... You've got the chairs. Yeah. And then I want it to look like a... A bar. A bar. Nice.

Made out of wood. Right. Why don't you get someone to do that for you? You know, because... Because I think I'll have more pride in it if I've built it myself. So I thought this this right so i um i there was someone in the neighborhood thread uh who's getting rid of like an old victorian bench and they're like i don't have time to fix it and i was like fucking that's that with a bit of you know sprucing up and i'll

do that uh and so i got the bench and then i like i painted the ends and i bought new slats for it and then i was just like I can't be fucking arsed to build it it's so boring when you start you start like working out how to do it

I just get fucking bored so now I have I did put it together but it's wobbly as fuck I mean it probably was more sturdy before I touched it so I now have like

a trick bench outside my house where if like if the milky or the postman sits on it they're just like oh fuck

daddy's earthquake bench yeah I'll be able to find as I do it on like TikTok and stuff there'll be some sort of instructions it's more the patience

to go through with it he's well known for his patience yeah famously got no issues with focus at all this Adam absolutely

give him a hammer and some wood he'll have you a podcast studio in no time he'll do it for other people I'm worried a lot of people are going to be like

are you worried that he's starting another podcast I'm worried that he's going to start kitting out other podcast studios full time he's got ASD he's got a surfeit of attention yeah

too much way too much too much okay you can have that you can absolutely have that have you got another one yeah all post all of it all of it i'm done with it it's 2024

fuck it off uh we sent you a letter yeah by a pigeon right you hold cunts you know that you know that thing where you i just get these slips all the time and there's options we'll attempt to read delivery or come and pick it up from the holding office there should be a third one just put it in the bin burn it for me put it in the bin i don't it's obviously not that important put it in the bin if if i if i'm not home and i don't get it in the bin fuck it off i don't care even if i paid 100 pound put it in the bin there is it off. I don't care. Even if I paid £100, put it in the bin. There is no good news comes via the post. It's either junk mail or a fine or a bollocking of some sort. Yeah. Or jury duty.

Or speed awareness calls or something. Yeah. I go through it going, please be bollocks, please be bollocks. Oh, it's all bollocks. I just put it in the bin. That's a great way to deal with... I did end up getting my car clamped. Because it turns out they were sending me...

Yeah, but that shouldn't be a valid form of communication in 2024. Email me, call me, or come to me house and have a chat. DM me. Write me a letter. DM me on TikTok. I don't care. Just don't fucking send it to me. You want the DVLA to knock on?

Hello, Adam. How are you? I have three points. We don't write it down anymore. I just tell you. So you remember it and I'll remember it. What do you want now? Six.

Just open the door, guy in a car. Six. Fine. Nice. I'm not opening. I just fuck it all off. That goes straight in. I've had three letters in the past few months

from my bank telling me they're going paper free. Yeah, it's just... It's insane. Do you remember those? I loved it. You got bank statements every month. Remember when you had a bank account as a kid and you'd open it up and be like,

here we go, because you hardly got ever paid. She only got 11 quid. Mate, 11 quid and I've had that out. It was 0.01 pence. cool i'll watch that grow i know how compound interest works it cost more to print the bank statement than you fucking had in your account it's just pointless can we can we add kind of as an adjacent one like birthday cards i think birthday cards are pointless yeah they just get binned after they are i tried do you remember any birthday card you've ever had in your life?

Yeah. What? What do you mean, what? Do you remember a card and what it said on it? He keeps them in his memory box. I've got loads of them. I've got a little birthday card memory box. No, you don't.

No, you don't. Yeah, I do. You. That is a liar. Liar. Liar. Liar. What age, what age, did they stop at some point?

They started at 26. Weird little move. I think I've still got some from me 21st and upwards. 11 years. And in this memory box, are there like ticket stubs? Are there, what else is in there?

No, it's just bandicams. Yeah. This is not true it is true it's very very why why don't you believe this calm the fuck off it what are you talking about you've moved around you have no way so when i was uh younger right me uh i moved out to my dad's for a bit because we had a disagreement and while my dad was sorting his house out, a lot of old stuff got thrown away including my birthday cards from the ages of 2 to 21

so I started a new memory box on my own where I've got all my memory cards and it's on the landing in the flat that you've got with Jack, next to your Japanese toilet it's on top of my wardrobe at the back shut up, you are joking that is where you put a memory your Japanese toilet. It's on top of my wardrobe with a bath. Shut up. You are joking. That is where you put a memory box to be fair.

That's so out of character. Is it? Yeah. Why? I'm romantic. For birthday cards. Babe, you're the one. Open that box.

How many birthday cards do you get nowadays? Let's time travel together. Roughly. Like, I don't think I got loads this year so fuck it being 32 innit but normally sort of between 5 and 10

I suppose I wrote a birthday card last week when I put it in the envelope I thought the glue was like the lickable glue and it wasn't it was just like a sealant one and I licked all the glue off the envelope and what event are you competing in this Glue was like the lickable glue, and it wasn't. It was just like a sealant one, and I licked all the glue off the envelope.

Couldn't fasten it. And what event are you competing in this special? Do you know another worst thing? It's the second time I've done that. Got a taste for it. I get cards now from my children. That's cute. Yeah, I throw them away two or three days later than the other cards.

But what you do when it's your kid's birthday is you get all the cards and you put it all on the mantelpiece or the kitchen or whatever. That's nice. That's nice. I don't want to throw kids' birthday cards. You can put them up, but you don't keep them. No, no. They go in the bin.

Yeah. Three days later. Yeah. I just think every card should have money in it. And I still check. Like, the instinct of, like, you know when you open the card and hope a tenner falls out yeah i've had that from from cards from my children like the instinct is so strong you're

like go on all right is there anything more sort of like awkward than when you're at like a birthday say it's a big birthday like you're 30 or 40 or whatever and someone gives you a card and you open it in front of them and you obviously open it gingerly thinking there's going to be money in it. So you're like, oh, just open it and catch anything and then they're still saying that, yeah, and there's nothing in it. Oh, I'm just reading it.

Oh, you've written me a letter. Who's that for? Mate, Andrew Ryan, the comedian from Cork who lives in Northern Ireland, brilliant comedian, came to my 30th in manchester stuck 20 quid in a birthday this is just a mate yeah it's a fucking apparently a thing

they do in ireland great thing they do what a tradition i opened it never been so happy to see 20 quid fall out oh it's unbelievable on my wedding day a guy used to live with uh a chinese guy he basically weddings they just come up and just push money into your hand like when you know when the guests are all coming to shake hands with the brian groom they just he just fucking amazing the honesty 50 quid the honesty of it because i went in that's all i wanted i wanted some fucking money back i've got you all dinner yeah i can pay for it like in the in the mob films where they just come up with pieces of paper.

Time to get you started. Oh my God. This is so much money. Yeah. Turkish weddings. Jewish mob. Yeah. Turkish weddings,

everyone has to pin money on the bride. Oh my God. You misogynistic pigs. She's great. Here's a tenner. With a safety pin. Fucking hell.

You just go and you've just got to try and not stab them and attach. 20 lira, which is a tenner. With a safety pin. Fucking hell. You just go, and you've just got to try and not stab them. And attach. 20 lira, which is about 5p. Yeah. You're bleeding, but it's a good sign. Yeah.

You're rich. Wild. Right. Wild. We've got some... Oh, by the way, I think you can have that app. Absolutely.

Yeah, yeah. Fuck it all off. We've got some from listeners. Have a word pod at gmail.com if you want to send something. Marcus said, get gender reveals in room 102 concise

I like his point this is like a really sort of like common one this is something that people really like love to hate but I just love any reason for a party mate it doesn't look like a great party though I don't like the inconsistency in that I think

if you're going to have gender reveals, a mixed race couple should do a race reveal. Like when they have a new pope and he's always white, so they put the white. Do you know what I mean? How are they going to do that with a Dulux colour chart? I know what you mean, but I don't think I know what you mean

but it's not I don't think it's a great party I think it's a baby shower with explosives and what is what is bad about the wage you've just said people have died

yeah people have died oh yeah yeah there was a there was one where they got the shrapnel got yeah there was a shrapnel they made a pipe on I have seen that one

there was one with a plane where they get a plane to do like smoke like the red arrows but then it. I have seen that one. There's one with a plane where they get a plane to do smoke like the Red Arrows but then it just crashes and the pilot dies. The baby's dead. It was a girl though.

But that's not... 9-11 was a gender reveal party wasn't it? It was twins. Boy and a girl. You look very carefully. There's pink in the middle of that orange. And that is why.

His Hall of Fame. I've got no problem with them. And that pilot didn't die because of a gender reveal party. He died because he was a shit pilot. The wing fell off. I mean, literally, he doesn't do anything wrong. a shit pilot the wing fell off I mean it literally he doesn't do anything wrong it's just the wing falls off well he'd have died next week

when he was fucking flying glazes out over Old Trafford then wouldn't he he was dead either way yeah the next flight on that plane he was dying

there's also been multiple wildfires as well what do you mean they've been caused by gender reveal parties no there isn't what are we talking about

this is why you're not allowed to do gender reveals on the Serengeti they explode the big thing and then it set fire to a tree it's all dust in it

so then the dust set on fire someone's mother-in-law got like shrapnel in their head they basically made a pipe bomb that's win-win andlaw got shrapnel in their head. They basically made a pipe bomb.

That's win-win. And it was a boy. What a day. Having a son and you've taken the mother-in-law out. What's with all these nuclear weapon style fucking reveals? Do you just want to do the Gerard one? Do you want to do the footy one? What's that one?

Have you not seen it? No. They kick a football at a goal and the goal's got a balloon in it. And then it's that. Or a big balloon. Pink confetti, there we go do you see the weightlifter one? no they've got little coloured bits

and he's deadlifting I don't know how many 200kg is a big one and as he drops it down, they explode under the weight because he loves weightlifting yay fucking dickhead I hate him

I think they're so douchey I just think he's a bit fucking tacky yeah but then you just have a you just have a beer with your mates why don't you just have a beer and say oh we're having a go why do you have to get a flare involved

because then you get to be happy with the beers and your wife gets to be happy with the gender reveal bollocks everyone's happy I just like joy you know can we vote on it I want him gone and your wife gets to be happy with the gender reveal bollocks. Everyone's happy. I just like joy, you know. Can we vote on it?

I want them gone. Adam's saying no. I'm saying gone. And they are gone, ladies and gents. Callum Dearden says, got a room 102 for you. Surveys or donation things on card readers, especially when the Karen at the till can see your answer and gives you that awful fucking death stare when you refuse to round up by 16 pence because you're already spending

two pound 50 on a can of coke you know what i do when it's the petrol station it says you want to add 60p to charity i just keep tapping the card going it's not working and then they just delete it and because it's like charity is a massive what charity what charity is Shell a charity I'm not giving them any more fucking money I just paid 150 a litre go fuck off

charity what about like tips on card machines when you're in a restaurant and it says like do you want to do like 5, 10, 20% that's fine

yeah yeah but it's the round up for charity what charity Ronald McDonald's house charities. Well, if it said that,

then I'd maybe give me some literature or something. It's just a blanket, the word charity. Yeah. Yeah, that's not right. It's bullshit. I'll give some money to charity. There's ones that are like, give 20 pence to older hay.

And then you're like, yeah, that makes more sense. Surely that is not a, no one's skimming that, are they? If they're adding that. But when it's just generic. I don't mind the tip thing at all, apart from in America where they just expect it for everything. It's weird that, isn't it?

They're expecting, just pay them more. I bought, like we were talking about before, I bought macarons, like three macarons. Is that what I mean? I want to say macaroon but no it was like three of them it was like ten dollars yeah she literally went okay what flavor i went that one that one that one and she turned the like the ipad round was like do you want to tip 15 20 or 25 percent i want to tip fuck all yeah i've been here four and a half seconds even even that you're getting tourist tax there americans wouldn't tip there.

Americans tip for service, like for actual service. Yeah, it looked like she did it for everyone. Yeah, because she's doing it because she's putting you on the spot to be like, oh, I'm supposed to do this. But Americans would just like turn the iPad around. They'd just be like, you can always click no tip. I got asked to tip for my tattoo at the end of my tattoo. Yeah?

Did you get your tip tattooed? I tipped for my cowboy hat in the shop with Stormy in my car. I think that, oh, I mean, they made that for you though where it's like the tattoo,

in my head, if I went into an art shop and bought a piece of art i wouldn't tip for the like i've paid for the tattoo taxi drivers my barber and then restaurants that's it sometimes at the bar i mean if if it's if it's like make me a cocktail you know if I've just ordered a pint no we were talking about lunch

I get tips quite regularly when I'm doing singing which is a bit odd that's a recent thing that's since Covid before that it wasn't happening I think it's good though you've got an 80 quid tip got an 80 quid tip a few months ago. I think that's...

That he definitely paid tax on. Yeah. I think people, like, singing in bars, who are obviously, like, struggling musicians and not, like, making touring money, you know? Doing all the whiny shite that you do. Yeah, yeah. Like, you're obviously sad.

So, like, giving you some money to cheat you off, I think is, like, a nice thing to do. Yeah, yeah. I actually think're obviously sad. So, like, giving you some money to cheat you off, I think is, like, a nice thing to do. I actually think taking musicians in bars is a good thing for me. They thought you were a busker that had just wandered indoors.

Yeah. I'll often buy, like, the lads in Pogues a pint. Oh, yeah. I'll always say no. I feel like you're right. I want a pint. Yeah.

I'll always go, no, no, no, it's fine. They're paying me and they'll just put it in my hand and then you don't have a choice. Don't ever turn that down. No, you just, you're doing what you did with like what i do with my nan i go no no no and then you're taking it you know you're just don't do that don't just go thank you mate all right you ever been tipped at a gig i offered a tip once to get a comic off the stage

name of name of that's a bribe it was Doug Seagal do you remember Doug Seagal yeah remember him so he's like we're doing a Jongers on the Road gig at a hotel

in Huddersfield and it was me Jim Smallman and Doug doing like a two action a compare bill and Doug was

he did like comedy mind reading you should that's a fucking that's a fun but it wasn't working like at all so and and because

like the thing he was trying to do wasn't working they then didn't find him funny either so like people are just going like boo and he's like i've got to do me time to get paid like it's jonglers and someone come over to me and put uh 50 quid in me and was like this just go take this and go and get them off. 50. Yeah. I think that's what he thought we were getting paid. I think he came over and was like, there's the 50 quid. He's obviously getting this. Go and give him that and get him off the fucking stage.

Yeah, I've been slipped to 20 quid. Very good. You're like, ugh. I have, after the tour, I do my own merch stand. And some people are like, I don't want any of that. Just fucking, just give you cash and you're like no but i've taken on debt with this merch so can you just take some of it and give me my that's what this is that's mental that they they get that there's a transaction but they're like keep that keep that keep keep yeah you're like no i want to get rid of it it's It's in my attic. The Americans do like a paid meet and greet, don't they?

Yeah, I don't know what I feel about that. I just don't think it could work over it. I get that when you get into size venues that are that big, it's not tenable to just like say, you know, have a merch stand in the foyer because it's just the bottleneck's too big or whatever. But I don't know if I'd want to monetize it like that. No.

They make a lot of money. What I've thought about doing for some shows, because I'm going to do a lot of merch on my next set of dates that I announce, is you could sell the merch in advance with the ticket. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, that's good. So it's like ticket and a hoodie,

ticket and a T-shirt. There'd be like different ticket options. Oh, it's just collect it. Yeah. You just turn up and with your ticket, it's like, right, what, ticket and a t-shirt. There'd be like different ticket options. Oh, it's just collect it. Yeah. Yeah. You just turn up and with your tickets, like write what size you want.

Yeah. Yeah. That's, that's good. Yeah. Because a lot, like, I just think people like a lot more likely to go.

Yeah. And then they'll know they're getting something as well. 100%. Yeah. Because then they won't bother because the queuing up that. Yeah. People off. I think.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, because they won't bother, because of the queuing up that puts people off, I think. Yeah. Yeah. Shall we do a quick Have A Word and then get out of town? God, this Sneak's refreshing.

What flavour's that, Dan? Strawberry gummy. It's really, yeah, it's been great. Check out the code. Sneak. It's dead good. This is from Anonymous. Wag wag lids.

Anonymous, have a word for yous. I am 20. I moved to London for work almost a year ago now, and since then haven't had much luck with the whole love life thing. Two weeks ago I met an amazing girl, and we hit it off straight away. Only problem was that she's American. She's on a summer program and only had two weeks left in this country we spent almost every day together and i could honestly say they were the best two weeks of my life i took her to the airport

on saturday morning this weekend and we said our goodbyes for now now when we spoke on facetime yesterday we have ended up planning for me to fly to see her in california at the start of november crazy i know considering we have only known each other two weeks. Issue is that when I told my friends about this plan, they said I was fucking insane, which I probably am, and that I was making a massive mistake. I choose to think that I'm young, and either

this works out really well, or at least I have a funny story to tell you for years to come. Please, lads, either have a word with me for being a fool, or have a word with my mates for being miserable old cunts. Cheers, lads. Love the a word with me for being a fool or have a word with my mates for being miserable old cunts. Cheers, lads. Love the pod. Keep up the good work.

Well, it sounds to me like you were getting absolutely nothing before this anyway. So, like... Yeah. I've had no luck with women. None of them have gone anywhere near me in London. One of them's kissed you. One has.

Just follow her home. Just follow her home. That's what a lot of us have to do. You're playing the cards you're dealt. Yeah. Fucking buy a ticket. Fuck it. It's class.

Go. And here's the thing. If it doesn't work out, you've had a holiday to California. It's fast. Slash, you're now homeless in California. That's what Reagan did. He opened all the fucking mental asylum

and just dumped them all on the bus to San Francisco because the climate's temperate enough that they could just live on the streets. Is that why they've got such a bad homeless problem? Yeah, in California. That's why there's 10 cities in California. I think when he was governor of California, he basically closed a bunch of asylums

and just sort of gave people a bus ticket. And that's why there's huge parts of LA and San Fran that you just don't go in. Yeah. Or you've got a cheap just don't go in. Yeah. Or you've got a cheap place to stay in California. Yeah. In San Francisco, it's called the trans quarter. You know how they have the gay quarter?

It's the tenderloin. The tenderloin is where all the crack heads are. Yeah. Which I got stuck in there once, in a fucking little 50cc self-guided tour, bright yellow, you know, thing. You know, you're meant meant to you get in it and and it's like oh turn left and it tells you about the city it's like a little little like mario kart little thing uh anyway the left we went to turn was closed because of the san francisco

marathon the next day or something so we just kept going and then the next right was just crack alley and the thing broke down. And we were in like bright yellow helmets and a bright yellow thing. And then there's just generally just people shitting in the street. And then a police officer stops and is like, oh, you're not from around here, are you?

We're like, no. And she's like, oh, well, best of luck. And just fucks off. And then, yeah, we had to call the company. And then they towed us away. Fuck, it was terrifying. The reason it's terrifying the reason it's called the tenderloin though is because all the restaurants that um in all the restaurants in

that area in that neighborhood started giving free steaks to police officers because police officers would not work it because it was so dangerous until they started giving them free steaks so have a great trip and let's hope you get your dick touched. Give love a chance, lad. You never know. You just never know. And it might get you a green card. You know?

You can live in America then. Finn Taylor, unbelievable as ever. Where can we find you and your shit? At FinnTaylorComedy. Patreon, YouTube, YouTube Instagram all of them just the link in the bio for all the tour dates

go and watch Finn vs the internet it's one of the funniest things on the web it's incredible thank you and before we go as always

Finn's probably got something for us we have yeah we've got a band this week called The Last Orders and this is their

song called Modern Day Cinderella also my gig still on sale the uh links in the bio october 26th october 26th jacaranda baltic big show wait can't wait and the links in the bio links in the bio wow i'll buy some tickets for that thanks thanks lids appreciate you cheers finn bye Cheers, Finn. Bye,ter, go-getter. She's the modern day Cinderella. Go-getter, a go-getter, go-getter.

She's the modern day Cinderella. Have you seen her? She's got me out of my mind She's the kind of girl you've seen a million times Old polydressers and Air Force One She's got Brunette hair but she's not a diplom She's a go-getter, a go-getter, a go-getter She's the modern day Cinderella

Go-getter, a go-getter, a go-getter She's the modern day Cinderella Go get her, go get her Go get her, she's the modern day Cinderella Modern day Cinderella, modern lover Modern day Cinderella, girl undercover Modern day Cinderella, modern lover Modern day Cinderella, girl undercover Modern day Cinderella Modern day Cinderella Modern day Cinderella

Go get your modern day Cinderella Modern day Cinderella Modern day Cinderella Go get her, go get her Go get her, go get her Go get her, go get her Go get her, go get her, go get her Go get her Go get her Go get her Modern day Cinderella She's a Go get her

Go get her Go get her She's the modern day Cinderella Go get her Go get her Go get her Go get your Modern day Cinderella go get her go get her go get her go get your modern day Cinderella