Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #291 with Russell Hicks & Danny Mcloughlin - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: August 25, 2024

Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan Nightingale & Fiends Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.ukComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comFinn's Liverpool Gig: skiddle.com/e/39298815As Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Support our cycle across India for Zoe's Place:https://cycle4zoes.enthuse.com/pf/finnlay-kulavuzGet subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsCheck out Finn's music: https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Tickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Patreon.com slash have a word pod. Enjoy the episode. It's a belter. Wag wag lids. You're listening to the funniest podcast in the game. From the heart of Liverpool. With Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only Have A Word.

Brought to you by Manscaped. The very best products on the market for below the waist grooming. Go, Ed. Get on me. Hey. I can't believe I got to press that. Yeah, you get to do it. Why don't you do it?

Everyone's always like really like, what? Why don't you get to do it. Everyone's always really like, why? Why don't you want to do it, though? Because it's on, you're replacing Dan, you're on Dan's, you do Dan's job, Dan presses the button.

All right, can I press all the buttons then? You can press A button down, see what happens. No, I don't want to. Press one of the ones on the right, if you want to put the F ones on your side. I don't want to, I don't want that responsibility.

Why would I want that? I'm all right, mate, I'll do some talking. I went for a few pints last night and I feel a bit like sort of still pissed oh jazzy yeah

what bit jazzy bit of a jazzy one yeah I feel a bit jazzy where'd you go went to a pub but I'm not naming hack

because er I'm gatekeeping it because it's a good pub and I don't want everyone to start going this is the one you put in the chat the other day yeah what is it for like 50 years yeah it's a good pub and I don't want everyone to start going this is the one you put in the chat the other day what is it for like

50 years yeah it's the rubber sole on Matthew Street class you are the worst gatekeeper ever you're like

no no no one can go where was it alright it was here it is the rubber sole oh it's not the rubber sole that's a joke we do

oh okay well I don't I don't listen to podcasts unless someone sends me right do you know what I mean Not the rubber salt. That's a joke we do. Oh, okay. Well, I don't listen to podcasts. They all go to rubber salt. Unless someone sends me. They never do. Right. Do you know what I mean?

You're not a big drinker, are you? Never have been? No. When was the last time you got pissed? Might have been last time I went to Edinburgh, which was last year. Yeah, last year. Yeah.

Because I think I've seen you pissed maybe like four or five times. I think all but one of them is inburgh when you just have that one night a year where you go ballista yeah yeah and then one other time where we went out in chester the one night out we are when we live together for a year oh that was like the first night wasn't it and we got the taxi yeah yeah yeah that was what's your vices then i I don't have any. No vices. We went fishing yesterday. What do you mean, babe?

Everyone's got vices. What's yours? Chocolate. Maybe that is mine then. That is mine maybe. I can't put petrol in my car without buying two Whispers. Mine's Parasi's probably. Brassers, yeah.

You're always with brassers, aren't you? In the rubber sole. Not shagging them, just like talking to them. Mate, I remember the only time I've ever been in a brothel. Never, by the way, for me. I went, when I was like 19, there was like a group of us, and I just went and sat in the reception and had chicken fried rice, because I didn't want to get involved. You shall not do it, yeah.

Sorry? No, I took it in. Right, okay. But what was mad, because I didn't want to get involved. Sorry, so I took it in. Right, okay. But what was mad, because I was like, oh, can I bring my chicken fried rice in? And the woman was like, oh, I don't know, hygiene. I was like, mate, you can't do this in the brass house. Don't worry, I'm not going to eat it off any surfaces.

Is she like, what are they called? The cat mother? The cat mother? Yeah. Is that what they're called? It's the madame, isn't it? It's the madame, cat mother the cat mother yeah is that what they're called it's the madam or cat mother google that something like cat mother is like when you call your ma she and she goes who's she she's the cat's mother that's the only time i've ever heard that it's also cat woman's mum i can't get up the stairs that fast uh i've never been to a brothel yeah i went and sat in a reception

and a couple of my mates went into the room. So then one of them came out and just, he was like, I've just had a massage. And people were like, no, you haven't. And he was like, no, I just went in and I just had a massage. I was like, stop lying. Like we're all out here now.

And to this day, I remember. Cocked out? Massage me cock with a cushion. Like, we're all out here now. And to this day, I remember... Cocked out? Massage me cock with a cushion. Yeah, exactly, yeah. To this day, I remember what the two ladies of the night were called, the cat women. Go on. Angel and spicy.

I don't reckon they were kissing, though. No, I don't think that was... Not spicy. Looking at her, she didn't look... There's lemon and herb at best. She didn't look the spiciest to be fair it was mad do you get to pay yeah yeah well if they're all busy what do you mean well if you walk in they got like all sorry all our operators are busy right now yeah you can wait

you are 12 if you wait then you know that you're getting fucking... But is it like in the barbers when he's like, I'll take you, no, I'm going to wait for my Monday. It's probably the opposite of that because in a brothel, you probably do want the youngest one. You know what I mean?

What, the newest one? Yeah. That's true. It's like the opposite of being in the barbers. You don't want the experience to come on. Do you? Well, I suppose sometimes you do. Have you chatted that loads about the bar I don't think

like as a man have we chatted I can't remember whether we spoke about it when I was here like as a man that is the worst anxiety that you can have

what is being in that barbecue oh should I like book with my barber yeah I do now but I mean like in historically

when you used to go because I don't know why you just feel like you're gonna break someone I don't want to upset someone but they always do look devastated though when they come over and they're like,

I'll do you. And you have to be like, nah, they look like you've like shot them. Upset someone with a B tech. That's what you do when you get shot. I've done that. The other one is going through any fire door. Like for me. In case it goes off.

Yeah. In case it's alarmed. Yeah. There's always like a, like whenever I go through a fire door. But also like, I know what you mean, because I get that anxiety as well as it's alarmed. But if it is, you're leaving anyway. Yeah. If it's sold to everyone else.

Just get off. It doesn't really affect you, does it? Yeah, I don't think anyone's been arrested ever for going through a fire door no what are you in for going out what are your vices

I can't think me I don't know me me me erm I don't know

I really can't think of any I have got some I'm not saying I am Finn's is pot innit I'm not saying I'm perfect Pot Pot He's a pot

Wacky backy The devil's lettuce Roller Ganja man Little pot head He loves pot I don't know I'm not saying

I have got some I just can't conjure them They're not being a dickhead It used to be FIFA You've kind of Oh yeah Taken yourself away from that Definitely that was one of them

He's like buying packs and that. And then I don't play that game no more. I stopped in January, and I will never play it ever again. What do you think yours is? I don't know. This is mad. What's yours? Drink?

Yeah. I went for a pint last night because I was bored. Where'd you go? Rubber sole. But don't tell anybody. Bleep that. Have you not got any... I don't know.

Genuinely, I'm not here trying to be like, oh, no, I'm not... Yeah, same. I can't think of anything to do that I would like. Clothes? I should stop doing that. Do you buy clothes or... It's not a vice.

Getting dressed isn't bad for you. Oh, look at me, all dressed. I should stop. No, you know what I mean? My vice is getting dressed. Buying too much. No, because i don't do that anymore either no i can't think of it other than like i kill animals obviously but like other than that like no i don't i don't imagine have you ever been a drinker like in your younger years in

my youth in your youth i used to go out now and again in the park when you were a teen nah because i had like reasonable access to pubs growing up and i think that's like so when i was six i was like in the pub with my dad eating mini cheddars while he was just pissed with his mates because that's what i'm sick by the way like so my dad would play like sunday morning 11s and then i'd go with him and watch and then it'd be straight in the pub and i'd be there i had a job in the pub when i was seven like a job so we used to go and collect the glasses in the pub and then matty the guy behind the bar he'd give me uh apple ties before they added they are is that a thing yeah that's not a mandela that that's not a mandela effect no are you sure

i don't believe if anyone's saying them it's him and he knows that. Yeah, he knows. I mean, there's like 17 laptops in here. You could probably, someone could probably check that. But yeah, apple ties. And he put like a little glace cherry in it and a slice of lemon. So like for like a six-year-old Pat Butcher and a bag of mini cheddars, which we call cheesy snips,

which sounds like circumcision. Also sounds a bit racist as well. Cheesy snips. Yeah. There's a gang of cheesy snips around the corner. It's homophobic as well, isn't it?

It's a homophobic racial slur. You know what I'm saying? He's a cheesy snip if you know what I mean. Was it Apple Ties? It was. Yeah, in 1982

and then it changed in 1995 because of Tizer. Yeah, and I don't think the world's been right since. I love Apple Ties. Because of Tizer. Yeah, and I don't think the world's been right since. Because of Tizer? Yeah. The name was changed due to complaints from the owners of the Tizer soft drink brand.

Yeah, but then they changed it to Apple Tizer. They made it more like Tizer. What flavour is Tizer? Orange. Is it? No. It's electric, isn't it? It's the colour orange.

It's the flavour electric? Yeah, it's the flavour of the colour orange. It's not the flavour of the fruit orange. It's the flavour of the colour orange. It's the flavour electric. Yeah, it's the flavour of the colour orange. It's not the flavour of the fruit orange. It's the flavour of the colour orange. It's like iron blue, it's electric. That's synesthesia, that, isn't it? You know exactly what I mean, though. You know what I mean when I say, oh, it tastes blue.

Yeah. But it tastes orange, but not orange. What we said yesterday, Thursday. Is November, and it's also seven times seven is 49. I don't know what you're on about. Oh, you don't get it? I thought you'd get it. I really thought you'd be on to that.

Like, seven times seven equaling 49. Yeah. Is Thursday. Like, your T-shirt's Thursday. Oh, right, okay. That T-shirt you've got on. Yeah. It's purple.

It's Thursday. Right, okay. Thursday ackee and that. Thursday bins. Poor name. Thursday Aki and that Thursday bins full name so I've watched it

with Dan and he just he doesn't get it and won't get it but I think he's the same then no no no I sort of no I feel like

he's open minded enough to what colour is Sunday er blue wow it's like burnt yeah because it's fia isn't it

ombre yeah so there's fia amber yeah what's the harpy theme June to you what what It's like burnt, hot and... Yeah, because it's fear, isn't it? Ombre. Yeah. Soaker. It's fear. Amber. Yeah. What's the heartbeat theme tune to you? What?

What? That's not... That is as sinister as the X-Files to me. Mine's Poirot. So is his mask. Yeah, I know.

It's bedtime on a Sunday. Do you want to fucking jump off the house? Oh, I thought... Because we're going like, Thursday is November. I thought you were like, what's the heartbeat theme tune to you?

And I was like, that's just what it is. Yeah, what are you bringing to this? Do the heartbeat theme tune now. No, it's fear. Dan would do it. It induces fear in me. Because you're done, isn't it? It's bedtime.

You're done out here. The weekend's over. Beef butties. Bag of salt and shake. Three, four bed. That was what it was. So Sunday. bag of salt and shake three four bed that was what it was so Sunday nah you know

beef butties bag of salt and shake we all did on Sundays mate let's watch Greengrass Pat fucking Alfred was it Alfred

Albert his dog yeah Google that like Lloyd so you'd have a little beef butty like supper

on a Sunday like seven o'clock beef butty because from the Sunday roast the leftover beef little butty bag of salt and shake at me nan's

Bobo's after heartbeat occasionally you'd like do that thing where you'd like stay asleep pretend to be asleep so you'd get a little Poirot in

if you heard you're like I'm fucking a finaster here into school on Monday morning day asleep, pretend to be asleep so you get a little Poirot in. If you heard... You're like, I'm fucking a finaster here. Into school on Monday morning. Not bragging lads, but I got to see a bit of Poirot last night. I don't know who did it, because I didn't watch the whole thing. But I've seen a couple of murders.

I'm sorry, that fear's gone. I can go to bed. I don't have to go to bed ever without one. Love that. Is that the best thing about being an adult yeah I can get in the car at half two in the morning with one and just drive to Tesco

you should be so proud of yourself yeah but why would you do that because I've got the ability to but why would you have to then you'd have to wait outside Tesco because since Covid

there's been no 24 hour Tesco is that true yeah 24 hour shopping is gone no Asda's still got it no Asda Asda by As

Asda by As Has it might still, Asda by As, Asda by As has. It might still have, have you been? Yeah, I've been after midnight. Mandela. No, it isn't.

Nelson. Google that. There's no 24-hour Tesco, so I don't think there ever has been 24-hour Tesco. Yeah, there has the one in Broughton Park. What are they telling you? Yeah,

no, there is still, they've cut loads of them, like, there's nine Tescos in the country and there's 106 it has there's yeah the walton the walton house is still 24 can you print that off and i'll have that because i need that like yeah genuinely i like there's loads of things that are shit about the world now like deliveroo you can't tell me that that's made the world now. Like Deliveroo, you can't tell me that that's made the world...

I saw your thing the other day. You can't tell me that the world is better since that. Since Deliveroo? Yeah, the world is worse because of it. Why? Loads of reasons. There's no accountability. Like, the food is shit, right?

The food can't be shit. You just have to get over it. No, because... A full chicken butterfly and five hot wings, by the way, and they gave me £1.60 back. Yeah, and you were lucky to get over it. No, no. A full chicken butterfly and five hot wings, by the way, and they gave me £1.60 back. Yeah, and you were lucky to get it as well. You can have that or fuck off. And it's credit.

It's not even money. Give us it back. £1.60 and you can spend it only here. It's even better. They should have just posted one wing through your door. Have a wing on us. So there's no accountability everyone just does that the drivers or the riders blame the restaurant and the restaurant drivers yeah uh deliver who

don't do fuck all they're just middlemen it's the same with airbnb all these middlemen people they've made the world worse right because we rely on it and it was amazing when it first started and then they go oh it's shit now and then we're like but i need me wings uh the the dudes just drive the wrong way down streets yeah for fun yeah so it's made it worse there uh roadside safety what is it uh sidewalk yeah i saw the stetson and i was like, sidewalk. Safety is bad because of it. There's too many net negatives over the net positives. Yeah, I agree. It was better when the restaurants or the chippies or whatever. It's better when you just found the casket.

Have to have their own drivers. Exactly. Yeah. Hey, your driver's not here yet? All right, I'll ring him. Exactly. And they'd be like, where are you, dickhead? Yeah.

He's waiting on his fucking chicken fried rice. He's got a brass waiting here. That was sick the other day though. I ordered the Chinese and you can double it up with the local shop. They'll go to the shop for you and don't charge you. Yeah.

So they said like, add that on. So we just went to the shop and got me some bananas. And then he said, what do you want? And you were like, cheesy snips.

He went, what? What did you fucking call me? That's good though. That's good. But he is right though. I don't think it's improved the

the world the ordering service no and it's so expensive as well and just shops innit there's no good shops anymore male shopping is finished

on the high street for clothes finished I've said this before I think you've just grown out of it no we like to go to

John Lewis it's a department store because the shops don't exist anymore all the shops have shut and gone into department stores and that's true John Lewis is class though yeah because it's all't exist anymore. All the shops have shut and gone into department stores. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's true.

John Lewis is class though. Yeah, because it's all the shops that should exist as shops. That's why Carl's in his car at half two at night because he's gutted about USC being shut. He's like, oh, that's why I can't sleep.

I want to eat some bench. That's part of Sports Direct now. What? That's part of Sports Direct now. What, bench? No, USC. Oh. Is it, yeah? Yeah. What, bench? No, USC. Oh. Is it, yeah?

Yeah. So is bench, I bet, yeah. Have you been to the H&M in Liverpool yet? For men's? Yeah. Do you usually get like a floor? It's the corner of the floor.

We now get the corner of a woman's floor. It's a load of shite. It's like men don't dress anymore. It's also the one bit of a society where women are more privileged than men, innit?

Well, there's probably a few. But like, women's clothes are always right at the front of the shop men you always have to go upstairs or downstairs or whatever whenever you walk into a shop it's the women's clothes it's patriarchy that yeah matriarchy mate no i just think that's what like that's what it is it's because uh there will be someone that would say that's because we're training women to spend more money like they already get paid less and now they've got to give their money. You know, like with beauty stuff,

it's like making them think that they need their clothes when they walk past. I think it's because women are lazy, and they won't go upstairs, and they know it. That is a fact. Is that a fact? I think it's a fact, yeah. But yeah, men's shopping's finished, and it's sad.

I'm going to open my own men's wear store, men's shopping's finished and it's sad. I'm going to open my own men's wear store where they sell really good boss t-shirts. There's bosses already. Not like... You only want to open this so that you can shop there?

I want to open a shop and sell merch that I will buy and I think that's how everyone should start. I think that's how good shops do start. Yeah.

Let's make shit that we like and everyone goes, that's cool. And you go, let's share it. But then they also all go down like restaurants you go are we popular now oh we'll make everything cheaper make them that's the like it's the people are more loyal to shops than they are to restaurants though yeah like i i seen someone explaining this last week like

restaurants that have no loyalty from their customers so like like it's it's just it's not like like you're maybe an exception to this, and so is, like, Jack Finnegan. Like, there's a few places you love, and you go, I'll go there. Dan's like that, though, as well. Yeah, that's different reasons. Yeah, but Dan's like Nando's.

Dan's like a multi-milk. But I think that's what it is, though. That's probably the reason I am, is because, like, oh, I like the way that they sprinkle the onions on that bit, but not on that bit. It's all like that. That's why it is.

It's not because i'm familiar with frankie or benny first name term yeah frankie in i go to restaurants i love though i really go to a new restaurant so but your favorite restaurant you might go to three or four times a year what's your favorite restaurant ricardo saltos it's just above the rubble about takeaways i thought you said you have your takeaway your Chinese people are a lot more loyal to their takeaways than their restaurants there's there's one in real that i'll go to i won't go anywhere

there's only one in real i won't go anywhere else because i'll have to leave the town yeah you won't catch me and press that in what's it called uh kebab king harren's kebab king it sounds smart you could have said anything also being loyal to a kebab shop is wild as a vegetarian yeah What do you get? Pizza. I used to get the kebab. It was their kebab that turned me vegetarian. I'm that loyal. It's got Stockholm syndrome with them. It's the best.

They do the best garlic sauce other than in Turkey. Is it a drive or a walk? Well, you can do it either. What's easier? Delivery. They've got their own delivery guy. That's them. They're cash only. Own delivery guy. They. That's them. They're cash only,

own delivery guy. They speak Turkish to me on the phone, which I don't like, but other than that, it's fine. Do they know your name? Put a voice on so they don't know it's you. No,

they ask for my address and they go, ah, Mehmet. They call me Mehmet. Not my name, but you know. They're just calling you my mate, aren't they?

It's just an accent. That's my dad's name. Ah, Mehmet. Ah, Mehmet. I love my Meh name. Ah, my mid! Ah, my mid. I love my mid. Yeah, I don't like the Turkish small talk,

but other than that, their food's elite. Class. So the best chippy in South Liverpool is Chews. I thought it was Chayuz. It always will be Chayuz to me. Yeah. Like, I rang him a couple of weeks ago, I was like, is this Chayuz?

And he went, yeah, well, it's Chews. And I nearly went to him, mate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I need to tell couple of weeks ago. I was like, is this Chayu's? And he went, yeah, well, it's Choo's. And I nearly went to him, mate. No, it isn't. I need to tell you something. I know it's your chippy and your last name, John, but it's got an I in the middle of it. And then he went, it's Joan. Joan Chayu.

So you can do collection. Yeah. And they do do delivery, but it's only a one mile radius. It's the best. That's class why is he is he on a mobility scooter with low battery

he has to like what he'll only do it like it's like it has to be walking distance it's a favour yeah he's like I'll drop it off

like but I'm not fucking yeah I suppose as well like he knows that if you're a mile away there's more chance of you using that chippy like as a walk

you know you'll walk there so he says it's for the local people I've spoke to him before and he said there's players who've

like Liverpool players used to go there loads and he said when Sterling moved to City he used to travel to this chippy that's how good this chippy is

spring rolls are just the one though like they're famous for their spring rolls and he said Raheem Sterling would travel you know like when you go in a chippy

and they've got like all the pies and the sausages and stuff in this one like they've got a full window and it's just packed with spring rolls and he said Raheem's down the track you know like when you go into Chippy and they've got like all the pies and the sausages and stuff in this one like they've got a full window and it's just packed with spring rolls because they sell that many of them

how big are they? long and thin so they look like that them big fat horrible like chop suey rolls no they're long and thin and crispy and dead hot

spicy pork spring rolls oh get on shite it's going to be fucking choc, I know. The rubber sole. So that's the rubber sole. That's the worst name for a chippy as well.

It's like, oh, it's chewy. And then they're like, chai-ooey. You're like, no, it's chewy. Yeah, I won't go anywhere but there. So I am loyal to that. And I'm more loyal to restaurants, I think, than most people. But they're a really bad business for people, apparently, because even your most loyal customers,

you might get four visits a year out of them. That's it. Every three months, you might go to your favorite restaurant. You can't really amass like a like a following people aren't forgiving either like if you had one shit meal they're like nah whereas like they'll watch like three shit films at the cinema and keep going the cinema like but they'll just be like oh no the chips were weird i'm not going back yeah but i i don't i think that's sort of a false equivalence because if there was yeah i know i was

just that was the only thing I could think of on the spot that's to get it out fast you know I didn't want to be here going hold on let me think of an analogy that wasn't you wouldn't go see a bad director's

third film would you maybe yeah because like you went to M Night Shyamalan the other day I did but I didn't go

because it was him oh right okay and I'll never if I know he's made the next film I'll never go and see him oh I went because it was him yeah what okay and I'll never if I know he's made the next film I'll never go and see him oh I went because it was him yeah what did you think

it was not as bad as you thought I thought Jack had the nail on the head with you and me and you it's the same in this vein if we don't like something

near the start it's done and I'm like that with films too he said that you were like this is shit but he didn't you didn't mind

the start it does fall apart second half Jack said that you thought this was shit and then was just going that shit that shit

that shit rather than giving it a chance the worst one of them is when like you're with someone and they go oh let's go and watch this film and you don't really want to go

it could be fucking Godfather 2 and I'll be there going yeah but look at his suit like like oh that passport looks shite

like I'm just just picking holes in everything it's very easy to pick holes in shit oh yeah yeah yeah it yeah yeah

they are it's littered with them I gave it two stars it was fine out of what five five alright

can't rate films out of ten stars why not is there without a poster rated out of eight there's no rules that was the twist at the end Shia Mulani rates films out of eight there's no rules that was the twist at the end shai amalani rates films out of

eight i don't think we're that far away from him he writes the twist first don't he and then builds back surely most do yeah yeah well like the twist in this film was revealed in like the seventh minute well that was the twist you got to the end there wasn't one there was about eight twists in that film. Yeah. He just kept doing things. You're like, oh, okay. We're doing that again.

Cool. What's the best twist that he's done? Sixth Sense, isn't it? Yeah. It just is. That's the famous one. Everyone knows it. You can't watch it.

If you've never watched it, you can't watch it. At the time. I think last time I was here, I was spoiling films. Let's just do it every time. What's the twist of Sixth Sense? It's the rubber sole. All along, they were just eating in the rubber soul the maddest one's the village what happens in the village the plane goes over and they're like oh

these are just cosplaying you've seen it never seen it oh don't watch it now it's not real so it's like a commune and you think it's like set in like 1600s the whole film's set in the 1600s but it worked it turns out that these are just people who've chosen to live like that amish sort of and then they've chosen to live like that and uh the plane goes over at the end and it's like oh so the the old the village elders are just like blagging all the young people like oh it's just they don't know it's not the 1600s but the older people do don't watch it now they're mad the amish aren't they but apparently apparently they've got it apparently they've got it such you know like there's such like basically zero anxiety with amish people because you don don't know anything. Babies have got anxiety.

Is it true that they have like a year where they can like go and use a mobile and that? Like they can go and they give you like a 32 cent. Go and see if you like it, yeah. But they're all dead happy. Are they? Yeah. Because you don't know, I suppose,

because you don't know the sad things, but the sad things bring joy as well. What do you mean the sad things? You don't know about like the feeling after porn. What? Don't you have a wank in the audible feeling? No. What? Yeah. you have a wank in the horrible feeling? No. What?

Yeah. Post-not clarity? You've never had that when you finish wanking? You're like, oh, you feel like... Yeah. I have to be watching

some depraved shit where I put my phone in the other room for a bit. I know this is editing for me. When you finish, you're like, oh, I'm scum. Yeah.

Nah. Mad. That is mad. That does check out for you, though. I understand it it i'm great i'm just like i i if i have a wank i'm just like class what are we doing next who's there we but yeah they've never felt but like they've never felt the joy of like i don't know

yeah one-tenth uh compared to the general population suffer from depression in the amish because you don't know anything that's why plus as well there's no fucking anxiety if you have to do the worst thing possible as a depressed person it's probably harder as well like oh i was i was fred oh he threw himself in front of an horse he's all right he's fine is it he's got a bruised shoulder what do they do they just build is that a wooden they just live basically

that's all they do for me they live without technology and like they've got like no nothing no they've got no lecky not even a sign of lecky nothing

no nothing no lecky like they make their own firewood out of trees they make their own firewood out of trees. They make their own firewood? You mean they don't make it?

God makes it. They're essentially stuck 600 years ago. They're all made up. Yeah. So, like... But they know we exist. Can they have medicine? There you go. That's technology.

Yeah, I know. That's what... Plasters. What? Leaves. What do you use as plasters? Do they cut themselves? I don't know. I haven't fully looked into it. I know. That's what... Plasters. What? Leaves. What do you use as plasters? Do they cut themselves? I don't know.

I haven't fully looked into it. I just know that they're happier than us. So what does that tell you? The Amish religion does not restrict people from seeking modern medical care. There you go. So you do use technology? Pick and choose, innit?

You're the worst type of person, aren't you? Why? Oh, see? So you want to see some more, do you? You might as well have a fucking iPad. But they're happy. So doesn't that just show that we should all just pack this shit up

and go and live in Delamere Forest? Isn't that just what we should all be doing? The Amish get iPads when they get conjunctivitis. I'd be up for doing like the Amish patron special where we just go and live like that for a couple of months you'd be up for these scares of the cameras

what you couldn't film it what you just have to remember it tell everyone get someone to draw it sketch it yeah

we're posting your Patreon special as we speak I'd go and meet some I'd be like yous are mad this is odd. This,

the more I'm researching this, they're, they're allowed telephones. See, they're just picking and choosing. No, but they're not like iPhones. It's telephones.

It's like fucking, they have to, they have to have those ones. Yeah. I mean, yeah, but that wasn't, that's not the 1600s,

is it? Yeah. To be fair, like dialing, dialing one, four, seven, one does feel like 600 years ago. What's next then? There's no telephones now.

What, hot bikes in 10 years? Drones, they'll have drones next. In 600 years, they'll have podcasts, but like, they're just 600 years behind. Ah, it's like the widdle with clothes. You've all got Rockport on now. Yeah, but a few years away from all having Echo trackies. Oh, and I have an Echo trackie. I have an Echo bag for school, a drawstring bag.

That was the only thing I had. The Rhino one? Yeah. Oh, like Echo, like the New York streetwear bag. Yeah, not the Liverpool Echo. No, I thought you meant... No, I genuinely thought you meant like... Liverpool Echo. Oh, ECCO. Them old women's shoes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like hotter. the New York street wear yeah not the Liverpool echo no I thought you meant no I genuinely thought you meant like

oh ECCL them old women's shoes yeah yeah like hotter yeah no echo but Finn's like obsessed yeah

yeah I've got I've got the irony of you using that I know they they they go to zoos they go to zoos

for fun yeah why they just have the animals what do you mean they can just build pens and make their own why come to our zo, they just have the animals. What do you mean? They can just build pens and make their own. Why come to our zoo? They just play board games and sport. It does sound class, you know?

Yeah. It does. Bollocks. Are you happier with your phone? Are you happier with your phone than before you had a phone? I'm like you, yeah. Phones have made us all happier because you get to speak to people when I'm not with them.

No, I was just going to say no. They have not made us happier. No. Theyones have made us all happier because you get to speak to people when I'm not with them. That doesn't make us... They have not made us happier. They have not made us happier. I get the argument and I actually agree with you, but people act like these are like dynamites in our pocket. I wish I didn't have this.

It would be cool just to live. It does make things better. You get to... We get to experience the world. It doesn't... It hasn't made anything better. It has. Communication.

Literally made better. I was going to say, get in places. Maps. It's made anything better it has communication literally made better I was going to say get in places maps it's made that better communication travel it's made everything better they don't need to go anywhere

do they I think about I think about maps and the comedy circuit all the time you know you know like when Dave John started comedy

yeah how did he used to get to like the gig in Coventry from Newcastle like fucking 80s

you'd have to print it out, wouldn't you? So that's what they used to do, print it out. No, but, like, what about pre-printers? Well, Dave Johns, I don't think, drives. And plus, like, trains were £6, so it was fine. Like, that's the issue. The train drops you off in the middle of the town. That's where you need the sat-nav.

But what about people who used to drive and didn't have a printer? Because printers are quite modern as well comedy predates printing don't they in fact it does yeah so how did like people in the 80s

get to like the fucking Croydon Jonglers if they lived in Manchester they probably wouldn't in the 80s because there's like six comics

so they'd all been in London there was three clubs probably how would you find the address out ring them up what's your address?

It'd be in like the fucking, what's it called? Like Time Out and like Stage Magazine. How did anyone get anywhere before Satnavs? It's just what, like it blows me mind.

It's made our life easier, better. Yeah. It has made that better, but it hasn't improved the world, has it? I don't think it's made it worse where Seville makes out. I just think it's made it worse. It's made it worse.

It's made it worse. It's made it worse. It's made it worse. It's made it worse. It's made it worse. It's made it worse. It's made it worse. It's made it worse.

It's made it worse. It's made it worse. It's made it worse. It's made it worse. It's made it worse. It's made it worse. It's made it worse. It's made it worse.

It's made it worse. It's made it worse. It's made it worse. It's made it worse. It's made it worse. It's made it worse. It's made it worse. It's made it worse.

It's made it worse. It's made it worse. It's made it worse. It's made it worse. It's made it worse. It's made it worse. It's made it worse. It's made it worse.

It's made it worse. It's made it worse. It's made it worse. It's made it worse. It's made it worse. It's made it worse. It's made it worse. It's made it worse.

It's made it worse. It's made it worse. It's made it worse. It's made it worse. It's made it worse. It's made it worse. It's made it worse. It's made it worse.

It's made it worse. It's made it worse. It's made it worse. It's made Why are you here? Fabrizio Romano was doing me a thing. Someone turned armage. I just blocked him. Unfollowed him. I have blocked him and I still somehow see his shit. That's not possible.

You haven't blocked him and you hate following him. If you block Elon Musk you're still seeing his stuff. Because he owns the platform, doesn't he? Yeah. He's just like...

Romano's his biggest earner though, isn't he? What? Romano's the biggest earner on Twitter is he yeah out of everyone after Elon Musk

yeah especially Jordan transfer period makes so much fucking money because he just tweets the same thing on repeat doesn't he

oh he's signed he has signed he's got a sign he's signed four tweets a mil easy fuck him a mil

find out what Robito Romano made in 2023 on Twitter I bet it's a lot of money it's not a quarter of a million

pair tweets no it isn't that was hyperbole and find out who the richest Amish person is oh yeah what do they do

seven quid he's got and a ferret he has made fucking hell oh yeah 1.4 million dollars six tweets He has made fucking hell. Oh, a year, $1.4 million. Just next week? $1.04 million.

That's Wednesday, that. Am I getting it? What? No. How do you become rich as an Amish? What do you mean? Do they have money? I don't know.

They have, like, coin. What? Just one? what do you mean do they have money i don't know they have like coin what just one by the way they'll share it did you see batman begin yeah it's so funny what the michael cain tweet no oh my god um why what was it why did we fall yeah michael came was quoting himself from bat Begins. It was something like, why do we fall in the first place only to get back up and then just Batman begin? Someone put, Batman begin. The tweets have been phenomenal.

I'm seeing them. Yeah, it's just him being senile. Batman begin. What was I saying? Rich Amish people. It's just him being senile. What was I saying? So it's all about community?

Yeah, there aren't many rich Amish people. There are some, but they're not like... It's like absolute socialism. Yeah. Yeah, they've got this thing I've just found. Harry's put it in the prep. It's Rum absolute socialism. Yeah. Yeah, they've got this thing I've just found. Harry's put it in the prep.

It's Rumspringer, which is when you're about 16. They have a year out. You have a year out and you just get to do what you want. And if you end up coming back, you end up coming back. And if not, you're out. That's what I was joking about before. But you lose your family, don't you? Yeah, so there's pressure. But if you discover your family don't you yeah yeah so there's pressure but if you discover i don't know cat or something that

and have a great time then you're not going back weirdly though if they've got it's a very horse-based society and they're allowed medicine cat's probably the one thing that they've got loads of that's probably where it started actually and i'm a fella was just like i'm gonna try a bit of that yeah what do we use what a spoon what's a spoon if you were amish and you'd lived there for 16 years what would you find that i'd make you leave your family oh like you like oh i'm not going back because i've found uh um skin fades can you imagine you just come back with a sick trip. A little night swoosh in the back.

Then you can't go back. What's the thing that would make you not go back? Like, I'm not going back. I've found this. But this is what I'm saying to you. A lot of them do all go back. But what do you think would stop you going back? I think they're so happy.

Like, if I was in that community, I think I would go back. I think I'd have like a week off and I'd be like, do you know what? No, let's get back to playing fucking dominoes. I also think they're doing it sly. You can have dominoes on the outside. I think it's very weighted that they know a lot of people are coming back.

If it was 18, where you can do more stuff. Oh, yeah. Maybe less people. Sick of, like, oh, cool. What are you going to do? I don't know. I can't even get a scratch card now. That changed.

You don't know. It's 18 now. It's like when you're a kid and you're like, I'm leaving home. Your dad was like, go on then. Go on then. I can't even get a scratch card now. That changed. You don't know? No, it's 18 now. It's like when you're a kid and you're like, I'm leaving home. Your dad was like, go on then. Go on then. You can't even get in the bookies, lad. I don't know.

I have a family. No, Kit Kats, no. They haven't got Kit Kats, have they? No. Kit Kats and... They've got cats. Like a yop. Oh.

Like a banana yop. Oh. Yeah. You know what I mean Like boss Gran and that Like pizza Have you got pizza I've got a Kit Kat

And this is my new friend He's an Italian gangster Called Kit Kat Him and cheesy snips Old yop and cheesy snips Hey come and bet Have you got pizza? They've got pizza, Carl.

They have? Yeah. I don't know where from. Wood-fired ovens? Yeah, it's homemade pizza. What's mad, though, if there's a... Hamburger soup.

What? Is it an Amish specialty? They call hamburger just mince, though. That's what they'll go, I've got a quarter pound of hamburger, quarter pound of hamburger,

and it's not a quarter, it's just minced beef. What I love about the Amish pizza delivery, it's probably still got more than a fucking one mile delivery radius. That's what he says, actually, when you ask him to deliver 1.5, he's like, nah, Amish.

Not having it, John Chu. Ah, Amish, man. I don't think I would leave. I think I'd want to get back to my community. I don't think anything could keep me. Like, they seem happy. That's what we're all after, isn't it? Happiness.

Nothing. I don't think so. Have they got music? Yeah. Yeah. What kind of music, though? Fiddles and that. Yeah.

You know when I said they don't use electronics? Like, they can use a guitar. They can play a banjo. They can play drums. Like, someone's done this and gone, that sounds good. They're not making, like, house music, but they are doing it. They're making houses, though.

Like, making love music. Like, this is making house music, this baby. I don't know. I just want a load of bollocks. And they all, no. No. I'm not having it I think it's all just shite what do you mean

if I was Amish and I was 16 like go out into the world I'd be like I'm not coming back but you wouldn't the sick stuff yeah but it wouldn't be sick to you

it'd be terrifying probably do you reckon yeah imagine an Amish fella in his own 16 years old at like Times Square you'd be yeah

fucking blow your mind. I'd rather have me mind blown than go home and play dominoes on the horse. No, in a bad way. What a load of shite. In a bad way. People pay to go and basically live like Amish. They're permanently glamping, essentially. It's fucking dead expensive in real.

You know what I mean? I've just found something. So young, unmarried Amish people, to test them, they'll lie beside each other. If they're going to get married, they'll lie beside each other, but they'll both be wrapped in a sausage-style blanket

to stop them fucking... What's sausage-style? They'll be wrapped tight. I'm reading it. So they're basically like, stop them. What's sausage style? Like, they'll be wrapped up. Yeah. Yeah. I'm reading it. So they're basically like, right, get under that quilt

and don't shag each other. Yeah. So they can't even shag? Not until they're married. It's getting better, this, isn't it? Jesus Christ.

I don't want to shag. We're going to play dominoes and go on an horse ride. His hand's quite good. Yeah, there is times where you just haven't been up for it. And if your missus went, right, do you want this? Or do you want to play dominoes and go on a horse ride? You're like, go and get the saddle.

But that's what they got for fun. They got more than dominoes, surely. They've got board games. They've got Monopoly. Yeah. And like Cluedo and that. They haven't got Monopoly. They have got Monopoly.

How would they have made Monopoly? They've bought Monopoly in there, haven't they? They must have done. What do you mean? They haven't. They can buy a board game. Is it like normal Monopoly or their Monopoly? It's like, oh, you put a hut on Dirt Alley.

You owe me six coin. They play Life on the Farm, which is a bit of a busman's holiday. Uno. Uno. Uno. They've got Uno. They can bollocks of Amish people, Amish, whatever you call them,

got Uno, mate. I don't know how they're playing charades because they're not going to know who Tom Hanks is. Phil, what's that? Sounds like, is it tree again? Sounds like tree. Tree.

You should have got what other stuff have they got Buckaroo Live Trivial Pursuit Pictionary but then they also play sports

so they play softball volleyball and basketball so they've all been to Waterstones and just emptied the gaff you've got that one

where you put the thing in your mouth and you can't say stuff. Tory sex scandal. Oh, the... Yeah, it's like the mouth goes off. Funny, yeah.

They quilt. They do quilting. 20 or 30 women sit together and make a quilt. Say that again? They make a quilt together are you allowed

can I just ask Finn can you clarify is it a normal quilt or is it a sausage style quilt are you allowed to be homosexual I don't think so it doesn't say it

on this website I mean that would be the thing that would be the thing at 16 if you discovered that you weren't coming back. I'm not coming back. I've been bummed.

Yeah, there's bumming. There's bumming here. Bumming exists. I'm coming back. We've got uno. I've got bumming. Shove your horse up your arse, mate. If you could do that, you'd probably go back.

I've been bumming. I've been bummed. I've done some bumming and I'm staying out here. Unless you let me and Jeff come back in. Jeff, he's a cheesy snip. They like canning, which is just putting stuff in cans, making cans to preserve their food.

It's like VR for them. That's like the height of technology, isn't it? Cans. It's like the first week of the NFL. A favourite item for the Amish to can is Chow Chow. They... Chopping dogs up.

Yeah, they like putting stuff in cans and they like connecting with others. That's what it says. Bumming. Oh,

that's fucking awful, mate. I'm into it, mate. I reckon we go and do the Amish special. Get Dan and Laura to clear that Dan can come away for a month.

We go and live Amish for a month and we film it. Do you reckon you could live Amish for a day? Yeah. No electricity for a day? Yeah. I do. Be sound. Mad.

I'd just like to see what haircut Dan comes back with after a month. Like, where his hair would be. I'd love to know that. I've always wondered that about him. Is it because I was at the back and sides? Is it just the back and sides? Yeah. I always thought he might have the little Steve McLaren.

We had a hair transplant company get in touch to sponsor us. And then we offered Dan a free hair transplant so he went for the consultation. And they said he was too bald. That's a fact. I've got another question about the Amish. How did you know what time it is? They've got clocks. Or the Amish. How do you know what time it is? They've got clocks.

Or the sun. Battery powered? Yeah, they're allowed batteries. Quartz, only quartz. They're allowed batteries, they're not allowed electricity. Picking chews. Do you have Game Boys?

Huh? Do the Amish have Game Boys? That's what I mean. They should catch up with us, technology-wise. That would be well good. Like if they're just on Game Gears now and Game Boys. Sega Game Gear. Have they got?

No, they don't have Game Boys. They're still on Pong. What? They're still on Pong. Oh, they're shite. Are they just there? Is there any like, is there just, is there any like Japanese Amish?

Is it just in America, that community? Is there none in the UK? I don't think so. I think it's just in America. I mean, Pennsylvania was a good... I just said it because it's... America and Canada. Right.

There's 377,000 of them. I honestly didn't think the thousand was coming in. There's 377 of them spread across America and Canada. That's not that many people. I reckon we could do this. Harry would be well up for this. I mean, Harry could definitely be searching for him.

There's an Amish community to go and visit. But they'd have to let cameras in. Do they allow electricity in? There's got to be places that I recreate it. Do you know, like... No, I don't want to do...

I want to go and... Yeah, like the Beamish I don't want to do... I want to go and... Yeah, like the Beamish Museum. Yeah. Or like... Quarry Bank Mill. I would imagine they'll let us use the cameras. They just won't touch them themselves. Yeah, because they're allowed in cars.

They're just not allowed to drive them. Mate, they're real as a bollocks, you know? They're allowed in cars if it's driven by a... Harper, can I go and play with the electric windows? Or passenger princesses. I think it'd be interesting to go and just terror them. Just have something dead good

that they could never have. Yeah. Something like electric. You'll never get this. I want to do this. Like an alarm clock. Ah, you would never wake up early. Can I come?

Yeah. I brought it up. I'm claiming it. Let's have a break and go and plan it. I smashed it. Here we are. Hello. What have we got?

We have got a feature we launched last week on the Patreon, which is goth or no goth, after Carl loves telling people what is and isn't goth. I don't get it. I don't know if you get it. I do understand it. Sometimes I disagree with your judgment, but I do understand it.

We also found out that you own Ben Sherman. I own one piece of Ben Sherman, which I didn't know was Ben Sherman, because you can't really see it. It's a nice... You can feel it. I went to my dad's second wedding in of Ben Sherman, which I didn't know was Ben Sherman because you can't really see it. It's a nice, it's a nice. You can feel it. I went to my dad's second wedding in a Ben Sherman and like a daffy duck tie in 1997.

Oh, I thought this was like as an adult. No, no, no, no. I was in year eight. But even now it's still not something I'm proud of. Like if there was ever footage of me and I'd, like, done that thing that the odd celebrity do where they've blacked up and they've gone, right, do you want the blacked up photo leaking?

Or the Ben Sherman daffy duck tie? I'd be like... I've heard about Danny. He's got caught Ben Sherman and all. I have never blacked up. Successful marriage or...? They're still together, but... Could you black up, though?

Because you've got black family. Do you know what I mean? I don't think anyone can black up, no matter what their family. Really? Yeah. I think blacking up is just not allowed. Yeah, no.

Absolutely not. Okay. I'm just asking questions. Do you mean morally or, like, would he want to? No, I don't think he wants to. Both, no. Let's just, let's just like head out. It's a sausage blanket, no.

Can we call the gavel so he can make the decisions on this goth or no goth? Sure, I mean, it doesn't matter, but yeah. Carl, do you want to give Danny an example or something? You know he gets it. He gets it. I don't have to. All right, okay.

Right. So the first one we've got here is over-shoulder satchels. What? Over-shoulder satchels. A side one. Yeah. They're not goth, they're gimpy. Yeah.

And it's not the same. I had a blue leather Adidas one in school and I ate myself looking back, but I thought I was a cool motherfucker. I remember that as well. Yeah. Like bright blue it was, wasn't it? Yeah, with white. Adidas one in school and I hate myself looking back but I thought I was a cool motherfucker I remember that as well yeah like bright blue it was wasn't it like Adidas blue yeah original white logo on it and you'll you'll remember maybe you will I I went to every gig in a Ramones satchel do you remember it in it like in it yeah like he's inside that yeah yeah and then I'd come out like why is he blacked up he's allowed yeah like always always at it because i had that thing where it's like oh if i don't have

my satchel i'm gonna have a shit gig oh it was a superstitious you're quite you're quite as superstitious not so much now because what i used to do so i had loads of mad things i'd have to write on my hand i'd have to like i had certain moisturizers I'd have to write on my hand. I'd have to like, I had certain moisturizers that I had to put on before a gig. There was like loads of mad stuff. And then I was like, this is mencle. So I was like,

basically I'll have to, so what I started doing, sorry, was to, I started not doing them at gigs I didn't give a fuck about. So I was like, well, if I die at this gig,

I'm not arsed. So then I'd go on and not die and i'd be like well it's obviously not the moisturizer is it and then i gradually imagine if all this yeah i was just good at comedy because i'm a moisturizer like it's discontinued but haven't you got health anxiety like him but like i'm the og i think yeah did you not watch breaking bad because yeah i didn't watch it and then someone said said, oh, he gets better. So I watched it. And then they fucking made him ill again in the sixth season. Loads of stuff.

Spoilers. I don't know if we've mentioned it. We've mentioned it on air. But when I was convinced, when I lived with Dan, I was convinced that I had motor neuron disease. Hadn't you written it down? Didn't you have a page at one point of stuff you thought you had? Yeah. Didn't you write down that thing Stephen Hawking said? Yeah, yeah, because I didn't you written it that didn't you have a page at one point of stuff you thought you had yeah like and what didn't you write down that thing stephen orkens yeah yeah because i didn't know what it was i didn't know the name of it yeah uh yeah funny voice but like when i just

couldn't remember because i've got a good memory as well so there was times when i just not remember stuff and i'd be like oh it's early onset dementia like genuine this sounds like a bit and i have done it on stage but it was a real thing i genuinely was worried about having dementia because i couldn't remember the last time i had a chicken royale because i was like no i i and the mad thing is i was trying to say it in my head and i was like no because i would know i would know the last time i had a chicken roll out and I don't. Mine was in an airport during the time we get them now. Yeah.

If you willingly go into a Burger King. No, they're back. What? They're back. Chili cheese bites are back. No, the King's back. What? You don't go to Burger King, Dan.

Right. That's goth. Choosing a Burger King. the king is back right there's a new one opened a new one right in chester it was the old pizza or something on seal and road but it's a new one but because it's a new one it's got standards now so they're good like when you go to like hearts had more services on the 62 don't you don't be getting Burger King then because you've got like

it's the only time you get it because you're locked in a service station starving there's a KFC in that one yeah but the queue's sometimes too big Charlie Richards mate

and I'm just autism again my favourite one M40 it's just it's always the one when I was going to Blackpool oh sorry

M6 I think Cherwell Valley I'm thinking of. It's got like the tunnel across. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you walk across and see the cars. You're like, I was there a minute ago. Yeah, and then the next one's Lancaster, yeah. You are getting more autistic, you know.

Autistic. Look at you, you're all laughing because you're all noticed. But the King's Back, like the fries were good. The onion rings, they give you now like, hey, do you want four on the side? Chili. They sell my favorite fast food thing, which is chili cheese bites.

They're my favorite fast food item. But I'll never go there on purpose. I'll go there because I'm hungry. It's there. No, I think what you should do is if you see a new one, new logos, they're coming back. They're doing new actual units,

new outlets. Just give the king a chance man all right give them a go goth so over shoulder satchels they're not goth goth no they're like they're worn by goths so as an item they're not goth not goth cool uh next super dry yeah yeah mate next has there anything been so more aptly named like you're wearing that what's every woman that you've come

into contact with like I think they're like the biggest money laundering thing on the planet because I've never seen anyone go in or out of one

who's the lair yeah it's the biggest shop in the world as well the one in the oaks is like serious business like the Arndale one's

massive as well I do think if you look i'm not sure but i think they're they're on the way out i've shut in they're shutting them up is it japanese i think so uh ted baker so it's going the way of the tv it was one of them if you wanted something smart the ted bacon number one was sick yeah ted baker's what ben sherman wants to be yeah yeah is it is a mad thing right when do you know about ted baker do you know anything about it because if i ask this and you already know it's shit no nowhere to shop when would you say that it started 80s 1983 oh yes 89 right I genuinely thought

it was like one of them legacy brands that came out in London in like fucking 1836. Or like Burberry or something. But no, it was just... Really modern. Yeah, 1989.

Mad. God, that's gone. Well, it's mad how big it went quick. It's one of them ones that's broken away as well. Like Ted Baker's

could be a gimpy brand. It is. A lot of it is. No, but they brought out a shop that sold like just good quality, unbranded, nice clothes. Like you could get a shirt in there or a pair of khaks. Right. What are you shaking your head for?

We used to go in Ted Baker all the time. You love it in there. Them pants are Ted Baker. You can't see it on camera. They do stink of Ted Baker them pants do. No, they did sell the odd like good thing. They it on camera. They do stink at Ted Baker in Pansy. No, they did sell the odd,

like, good thing. They sell furniture now. They make furniture. There's like a Ted Baker range in... What? Yeah, man.

Was that DFS? Yeah. I remember when I was a kid, I thought, my mum and my brother, one of them, were the coolest kids ever. Are they similar?

Because they went to the DFS, come on, they go, oh, that sounds fun, they go, oh, that sounds fun. I go, the D is furniture store.

I thought it was them fucking sofas. I'd be like, fucking hell, that is a good one, that, you know, I'd be like,

this. You just constantly try to get to that level. Never got there. Still trying. No. Next one, posting split the G results

on Instagram stories. Port is fucking closed forever. Blown it up. It's the gothest thing in the world. It's the coolest thing you can do. It's the best thing you can do with your time. It's a good way to spend money. Do you think this is true?

I'm with you on the Guinness. Thank you. But that's because my granddad used to drink it, and then when he died, just to do a thing, at his wake, I half a guinness and i was fucking glad he was dead after i'd had it i was like oh that is the one like again i don't even mean the drink because the drink's fine i don't think the drink's fine i don't care like

i've just won't drink it then it's a pint of olives in it no i'm actually getting into olives well maybe you'll get into this i'm baking as maybe you're getting into olives. I'm bacon as well. Bacon? Never been into bacon, but I'm getting into bacon. You warm into bacon? Yeah. It's weird what you're warm to. Do you know what I'm warming to? That I've always been against? Sunglasses indoors.

Not against it now. I think, oh, and wolves on clothing. I know what you mean. I used to be totally anti-wolves on clothing. And now, I see the odd little wolf fleece, I'm like, ah, slouch a bit. I've got a wolf fleece. Yeah.

You changed your mind on hats on stage as well, didn't you? Because early on, I remember you being like, I'd never wear a hat on stage. And I can't remember the last time I've seen a clip of you without a hat on on stage. Well, what's funny is it feels like, and I'm not just trying to be that guy, but it feels like I sort of finessed everyone,

was like, yeah, hats on stage is shit. Watch me make all these people wear hats on stage. And then I was like, hat on stage, and then everyone's like, hats on stage. Thinking I was just like first to market with that. I don't think people copied me. But, you know, I don't watch stand-up, you know that. Do you know, I watch Michael Che matters.

Yeah. Because I heard that he was doing standup in a hoodie and I just wanted to see whether it's something I could do. And then, yeah. It's not very well done, is it? No, I really liked the look of it. And I was like, oh, I could wear hoodies now, standup sweat. Because I used to wear like mad open shirt,

like Lyle and Scott shirt with a t-shirt underneath. It's a good special, that as well. Michael Che matters. Is it? I can't remember it. I just was looking at his hoodie. I wasn't listening. It's really well shot. He does well. Michael Shea-Mattis. Is it? I can't remember it. I just was looking at his hoodie. I wasn't listening. It's really well shot.

He does it in a warehouse because he's like, it's meant to look cool and unique. So he wears the hoodie to be like, I can, and it's really good. But yeah, drinking a drink and then telling the world about it 50 times a night. Is there any drink?

Is there anything that you could do and tell the world about it? Is it any drink or is it just Guinness? It was just a pop. Like what if you had a pint of Foster's and went, oh, I've drunk half of it

in one go. Two litre bottle of Pepsi without burping? I'd actually half respect that. It's a video though, isn't it? Could one that. No one cares

that you're drunk on the top of your Guinness. Some people do. No one cares. It's like when you take videos of fireworks. Some people reply to me and I'll post a picture of it

and people reply me like class lad well done what about a full so so it's for them it's not for you just skip the picture

Carl I do half a second it takes you so what's the problem I've been asked my opinion can't skip this

say it it's got full plastic lemon a jiff I'm doing it for the fans mate for the followers sorry Full plastic lemon of Jif. I'm doing it for the fans, mate. For the followers, sorry. The people who play the game.

Next up, Gary Neville. He's actually cool, isn't he? The other night on Monday Night Football when they did the predictions for the season, it's like he forgot to do the homework and was just like, I'll just do this on the way in he's stopped watching football hasn't he United fans don't like him now

because they feel like he's being contrary on purpose like he's better than he was he's not as good as he was at the start he's better than he was

when he was a player and he's not as good as he was when he first became a pundit yeah he kind of was a cunt you're like actually he's sound he's like

oh he's less sound yeah he's just he's less sound yeah he's just us from down the other end of the motorway like he is just yeah but he's

he's manunited Steve McManaman isn't he right over eggs the fuck Steve McManaman by the way

is that not Ferdinand what is that not Ferdinand no Ferdinand like talks about United in a good way whereas Neville will try and like

Ferdinand's more like Carragher I love Carragher in the fact that he's like, yeah, I'm well biased, mate. What do you expect? Yeah, yeah. You just got to do it.

You just got to... What? Roy Keane's the GOAT. Yeah, I thought you said he's the best. Steve McMahon hates football. When he's commenting on it, though, it's like you've dragged him away from watching his favourite cartoon.

He's watching Emmerdale. Yeah. Like, Steve, the match on, he's like, oh, right, yeah, no. Like, Liverpool will create like five chances and like will concede one. favourite cartoon yeah he's watching Emmerdale yeah like Steve the match on he's like oh right yeah no like Liverpool will create like five chances and like

will concede one like a chance not even a goal and he's like oh Liverpool needs to be careful yeah

3-0 is a precarious lead people don't watch football though I'm convinced like pundits mostly

are like Real Fernandes is he's one of the most I hate him so much by the way this just drove me mad

can I just address this I tweeted this and I hate him so much. By the way, this just drove me mad. Can I just address this? I tweeted this and I've had so many replies from fucking idiots. I was watching the Leicester-Tottenham game and Tottenham were 1-0 up and then Leicester equalised. And the commentator,

Alan Smith, said, oh, Leicester have done well there. If this was a boxing match, they'd have lost on points by now. And I was like, no, they wouldn't.

No. Because you don't lose on points in the middle of the thing. So I now. And I was like, no, they wouldn't. No. Because you don't lose on points in the middle of the thing. So I tweeted it. I was like, it doesn't make any sense. You can't lose a boxing match. You can't lose a 12-round boxing match

on points in the eighth round. And people are replying and going, you can. What if he's lost all eight rounds? Yeah, he'd be losing on points. Yeah, he hasn't lost yet. And Leicester, we're losing on points.

Like, it's okay to say that, oh no, Alan Smith actually meant if this was a boxing match, the ref would have stopped. Stopped. Like, it's okay to say that, oh no, Alan Smith actually meant, if this was a boxing match, the ref would have stopped it. Like, that's what he meant. And it's okay to say that that's what he meant and he got it wrong. Why is everyone just fucking idiots?

I hate Twitter. Most pundits are horrible. But is Gary Mayer, is he a goth? No, he's not a goth. No, he's just not as cool as he once was. Right, okay. Danny Mayer, if Murphy's a goth couple more

tattoos of cartoon characters like Pokemon and Mario no I think it's fine I kind of want a Simpsons tattoo have you got any tattoos yeah and a shins

got a couple on me shins one on me calf aren't they stories though? No. Is it just true? What do you mean? Isn't it the coins thing? What was the other one? Oh yeah.

It's just myth and it's not real. It's all stories, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. But it's not like, like, Hey Arnold. It's just like,

I just don't think. I don't think anyone's got a Hey Arnold. What's a tattoo? They're hair arm they'll be one saying hey football head or whatever and someone will have it on his chest there'll be a half a way patron who's got it within three days of this going on I've got it I don't know

I kind of want I want the lemon from lemon and troy last one roll on deodorant oh I hate it so. I don't think it's got. Last one. Roll-on deodorant. Oh, I hate it so much. I use it because it's better. It works. It just makes your arms sticky.

If you put too much on it, it does, yeah, but so does toothpaste. What are you rolling on? Pritt stick? What are you doing with toothpaste? If you put too much toothpaste in it. Do you use roll-on?

I'm not against roll-on. I just normally buy what I grab, which is normally just spray, but... I also have hairy armpits. I just don't know how it... It just mats my hair and sticks it all together. It's horrible.

I know. It's not doing to me. You know, that's my... It's better. You don't use enough, though. You always stink. That's what I think my most unattractive feature is. What?

I reckon I've got a really shit underarm hair like it just looks weird like i've got long sleep but it like that looks like a man's up mine is that okay it is yeah you've all got good underarm hair i'll show you mine in a break i can't i can't explain it slide a picture in here it's sad it's like pauline it's just it's really sad right it's bizarre my underarm and it's a weird color like it's not the same color as all my over hair have you been dying your underarm no that'd be wild what color is it it's like a weird like sandy color and i've got like jet black hair mad i'm excited to see it's it's odd but I started using Roller in Japan because aerosols were less to hand

erm and with a spray unless you purpose you like aim it lads will just go and just spray it up the t-shirt

at their t-shirt as well that's not what the point of it it's to fucking like put it under your arms to get the yeah yeah yeah if you use it wrong

then the spray doesn't work most people do but you can't misuse a roll-on unless you're an idiot do you know if everyone used roll-on they'd be less smelly

so roll-on's better because some people don't know how to spray a lot of people do you know when you go through that's not true one of your fat phases

like me and you very much like Sonia from EastEnders isn't it like weight wise Sonia Paul Robinson couple of Sonias over here like me and you very much like sonja from eastenders and it like weight wise um sonja paul robinson couple of sonjas like a roll-on under the tits yeah fuego really yeah yeah well better i i wouldn't want to be caught putting that on

yeah that's that's the issue like it's reallyodorising my tits. Like, it's really good. Do you reckon anyone's got an arse roll on? Yeah, probably. Yeah? What do you mean? Like, they've obviously got the one for their underarms and then they buy one purposely and they just use it on their arse.

What? Who's that benefiting? It just means it gives your arse a nice smell. For who? For who? Them. The seat sniffers. This goes out to all the seat sniffers.

It's keeping you like just clean and deodorized. The only time that would ever benefit you is if like your head was down near your own ass. Like when Harry's sucking himself off in the bathroom. I'm saying I reckon there's people who've like roll on their ass. Just saying. Maybe.

Comment. Comment if that's you. If you're the one rolling on the ass man it wouldn't if it's an antiperspirant like to dry you out like you'd put it on before you played footy at dinner so then when you went and sat in the dinner hall you wouldn't have that stress it's gone that's is that what that's called chef's it's more working like in somewhere sweaty like hospitality right and you get like uh chubby legs chafing no i'm talking about when you've just played footy in school at dinner and then you go and sit in a dinner hall or back in form at the gym as well and you leave that like line on the chair like a snail

oh can i put them in as well people who don't clean them after in the gym so if you sat down and sweated and don't yeah so. So it's like that, yeah. Go to jail. Is that goth? No, just go to jail. It's horrible. You've just put your bum sweat on the seat.

Yeah. You sat there in your cell with the guy that went through a fucking fire door. The worst cell ever. We don't belong in here. I suppose people do put talc on babies' arses,

don't they? So that's just like early roll-on. I think talc's like, it's out of here now. Is it? It's carcinogenic, I think. It's like bad for baby's arses, don't they? So that's just like early roll-on. I think talc's like, it's out of here now. Is it? It's carcinogenic, I think. It's like bad for you, really bad for you, yeah.

Is it, yeah? Smells nice, though. Apparently, I mean, like, that's why... Like burning wheelie bins. Sorry? Like burning wheelie bins. Yeah, don't do that. Burning plastic, yeah.

If you, like, kids go to the park and burn a wheelie bin. Like, the fumes are so bad for you. They say that, though. I just think they want to stop people burning wheel park and burn a wheelie bin like the fumes are so bad for you they say that though i just think they want to stop people burning wheelie bins big wheelie bin isn't that a skit but like they they say everything causes cancer now it does me i didn't like when we were kids it was like don't smoke and don't like drink too much and you won't get cancer and now you can't even have like a fucking am butty you know what i mean do you remember when we were in school and it like

come up like the popcorn chicken and kfc was giving everyone bollock cancer what's the sauce crisp as well yeah what there was like they discontinued it for a bit because they linked popcorn chicken to testicular cancer and i'm convinced it was just like my mom lying to me because i was like i want popcorn it was machis Or it was Machis. So it gives you cancer. What's the source of it? Dr. Pepper. Yeah, Dr. Pepper. It gave you cancer. Yeah.

Maybe that was Dr. Pepper. Maybe he was a cancer doctor and he wanted like more patients because of the healthcare system in America. Clever. So he was like, oh, Dr. Pepper. He's like,

oh, I've got a tumour. Like, go and see Dr. Pepper. He'll sort that. That's the worst that could happen. Everything does give you cancer now, though. I reckon you could name one thing that would only be a Google article about her. Soup.

Chairs. That'd be a specific type of soup, wouldn't it? I'd say food. Oxtail soup. Does oxtail soup cause cancer? You know, I haven't eaten soup since 1996. Why 1996? Because that's when they... They were up for the Euros or something. Yeah, they... cause cancer. You know, I haven't eaten soup since 1996. Why 96? Uh,

cause, um, that's when the, yeah, the oxtail causes lung cancer and rare bone density deficiency. It's fucking stupid. The Amish, you want a box made?

Try, um, I don't know. Uh, all right, then try wood chips. If you're talking about the Amish, surely.

Sawdust. Uh, yes. Wood dust can cause talking about the Amish. Surely. Sawdust. Yes, wood dust can cause cancer. The Amish haven't got it boxed. The only difference is they can't go and get it sorted. Try basil. Basil. Brush. Basil.

Basil essential oil might cause cancer in large quantities since it contains estrogol hats hats no what hats what hats don't consume hats do you hats do can hats cause cancer uh no it says wear a hat to stop cancer that's why i started doing it on stage a hat to stop cancer. Oh! In the sun. Hat of the Antidote. Put that on a bus. That's why I started doing it on stage. Health anxiety, that was the cure.

Wear a hat. You won't get that thing Stephen Hawking said. Can't have fucking anything, mate. No. Without getting AIDS or cancer

or fucking cholera. Right. We've got some man play that's been sent in. You'll love a bit of man play. What's man play? You do man play. I think you're like probably king of this.

Just little things you do to entertain yourself when you're on your own as a man. You know, like the most hack one is like trying to get stuff in a bin. I'm the best at that out of anyone. No, what? Running up the stairs on your hands and feet. Oh, that's goth.

No. Is there anything that's sprung to mind that you do? Not really, no. Not really. I think it's toxic. If I'm you do? Not really, no. Not really. I think it's toxic. If I'm making a cup of tea, and this is self-destruction, yeah, but if I don't get the teabag in the cup

by the time it's boiled, I have to pour the water out and boil it again. Fuck the planet. So when you hear it get in there, you're like, shit, I've got like three shots left here. And then when you get it in, it's boss. That last shot, when it's proper bubbling, you can see it through the camera. If you sink it into boss that last shot when it's proper bubbling you can see it

through the camera if you sink it don't make it when I was a cleaner I used to be a cleaner I was a cleaner for 10 years 10 years in the game used to do this thing

me and my mate so there'd be two two cleaners per classroom and we'd have in a school yeah yeah yeah and we'd have like six classrooms

on our like jurisdiction we used to do this thing called bucket tennis which is arguably In a school, yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we'd have like six classrooms on our like jurisdiction. We used to do this thing called bucket tennis, which is arguably like should be in the Olympics. So what it is, you half fill a bucket and you know the handle on the bucket. Yeah. So this is my side and that's his side.

And you have to just knock it over and it's allowed one bounce and then you have to knock it back. And it's well better than you're looking at me now. Surely you wouldn't hit it back and it's well better than you're looking at me now. Surely you wouldn't hit it just a little lighter. Well, that's why you might be good

at bucket tennis. But we'd have like proper fucking rallies where you're like, you know, like the ping pong dudes and they're like proper getting into it

and then if it bounces up and it's the back, that's how you win the point the most is like... That is a type of man play, but you've got an accomplice there. A lot of this is lonely stuff.

You can do like practice. Was there ever a time where the bucket fell if you hit it too hard? Mate, that's amateur shit. Is it? Yeah, not on my table. I don't know. It depends if you've got a fucking big,

if you've got Andy Roddick hitting it really hard. Andy Roddick wasn't a cleaner at king school chester um he might have went there but uh yeah no there's no real tennis people there right we've got some examples of man play this first one's from dan garbs one of my favorite things to do is to drop cheesy sweary 90s style hype man lyrics into public sing-alongs a classic example would be muttering that's right motherfucker yeah in between the first two lines of happy birthday i mentioned this to my wife and she said yes i'm fully aware and heard me say he's motherfucking maddie h at my six-year-old nephew's last birthday he's so uncool but i like it it's so dad humor

it's like uh he's just doing it to make that That's not dad humour. He's doing it to make himself laugh. It's not for other people. He's doing it under his breath. Ah, baby, baby. I feel like if he was doing it under his breath, he'd have just kept that to himself, though. He obviously wants the adulation. That's class.

You like that one? It's funny, isn't it? It's from Bobby. Manplay. When I'm standing up pissing, I try and spit through my stream of piss. That's a good one. I've never tried it,

but it sounds good. I reckon. What happens? Find out. Have a go. Would it just spray everything? I don't know. I like,

like if there's a skid mark in me toilet. 100%. Cleaning that off with me piss. With your toilet. Oh. Yeah, that's the best, isn't it?

Yeah. Like, put on your skin all the way back so you get like a fucking power on it. I thought of a day. Oh. I was thinking about being circumcised. I'm not.

I thought, because Dan is. I am. Are you too? Your bellend's always out. Like, your bellend's out. No, I've got a little little snood for mine.

It's alright, I was born with it. No, but I've got a little little snood for mine it's alright I was born with it no but I got a bought one you can buy them it'll last for you willy yeah yeah yeah trying to stop it getting cancer no it is

it is mad like your bellend's out mine isn't gets like desensitised doesn't it because it's constantly rubbing on you like pants and that

but like I could say like oh you've got a shy bellend like do you know what I mean he's just away he's not getting used he's not pissing or shagging he's just doing his thing

in his body it's not my fault you pull your bellend out fully to piss yeah do you otherwise it's like a fucking

I don't do that I don't have to do that don't you no not fully just a little one not like I'm not wanking myself off

but I'm how often I just like I just like hold me cough. That's a risk. How do you hold, double-handed like that? That's right.

That's a risk, because if the stream could start a bit like, you know where it's going when he's out. Sometimes like, or hair. I make one, like just to see what it would be like. Like I stretch it out just to have a little,

obviously my dick looks dead small. That's fan play. Yeah, well there you go. And I'm like, oh, that's what it would look like like i stretch it out just to have a little obviously my dick looks dead that's fan play yeah well there you go and i'm like oh that's what it would look like if i was normal next one from don key dick sap and lids you didn't even get that did you i did i've already seen it right uh sap and lids sometimes when i'm doing the shopping we didn't even get i just thought his dick looked like a key yeah but i didn't get donkey dick i just like yeah the key dick like like his dick could open any door sapning lids sometimes when i'm doing the shopping i play a game to see how many people's trolleys i can infiltrate with random shopping items my record number of trolleys is 14 at the minute wow see i don't i need all it's a bit weird isn't

it funny i respect it i also like i'm probably the worst person for that i'm the most cynical person like like i'm sure i'm not like saying the integrity of your readers and listeners is bad but i think he's done that once and now it's's a thing. Have you heard my moist cake, my moist cake? So I've got a theory that nobody actually dislikes the word moist. Oh no, you're right, yeah. They just think that they have to say it.

Because everyone says it. Yeah. So it's the same with mushrooms. If someone says they don't like mushrooms, you say why? What do they say? Texture. Texture.

They don't think that. They just feel like they have to say it another one is paris is dirty like it's someone who hasn't got anything to say about paris and you'll go oh yeah paris i know they'll go oh but paris is dirty in it i've been you just heard that you haven't you don't know that haven't beans a part of something locked i've seen i've been there is rats loads everywhere but it's no dirtier than like anywhere else that's a capital city that's the thing but people are like oh they feel like

they just have to jump in and say something moist is the one moist is the go to that yeah and I think putting people putting things in other people's putting people in other shops

putting people in shopping is mad get in that bag now get in that bag I remember when I was a kid I mean mum would have the trolley and then she'd leave it and then walk

like I'd go what are you doing someone could take that yeah and now it's still in my head if I leave the trolley and then she'd leave it and then walk like I go what are you doing someone could take that yeah and now it's still in my head if I leave the trolley I'm like if someone takes that

because you've got to start your shopping again but you reckon anyone's ever gone like spitting on me yeah yeah imagine if you had exactly what I needed actually

imagine if you had the last wagon wheels though yeah and there was no more wagon wheels and it's like oh she's got wagon wheels that's born into me don't let your trolley

out your sight I leave my trolley like in the middle of an aisle. And I'll end up, like, three aisles over sometimes and come back to it. That terrifies me. Like, no one's moving your trolley. I shop local. Well, does that mean there's no trolleys? Yeah, I just go in the butchers and get a bit of meat.

And then I go over the road to the fruit shop and get me veg. Do you know his name? Kevin. Scary. Kevin the Butcher. Scary? I suppose you live his name? Kevin. Scary. Why is it scary? I suppose you live in a big place. I don't like if you knew. A big place?

I don't live in a big place. Small towns where everyone knows each other. I told Carl I was thinking about moving to a town near Nantwich, just getting a bigger house for the same money instead of buying in the city. And he threatened to never speak to me again he's like you're gonna have a mate

called like Ian or something where where though not gonna say on here I can't remember what it was called I don't

Middlewich no it's near that though Cuddington no it begins with T I think I don't wanna walk down the road and see the librarian and he knows my wife's pregnant. It's not Postman Pat.

No, but it is. What do you mean, the librarian? How much is that? Are you the librarian? How long has your wife got to go for pregnancy? She knows. Why do you know? Because you've been in the library

and got a book about pregnancy out. No, but she knows you. Oh, I'll bring a cake around on Tuesday. Oh, how awful. How awful. Carl has this idea about little villages. In fact, like, it's right. It's not Emmerdale.

Like, they're your neighbours. No, I don't want to know anyone. I don't want people to know my business. I think that's what it is. You do the bins for your entire street? Yeah, I don't tell anyone. No, I've started that this week

I've got an alley key I've paid for one and I'm sick of people you've got a what an alley key right I'm on the end terrace

and people leave the bins outside the alley but that's outside my house and I don't want bins outside my house nah

so I've paid for an alley key and now I control the bins you want to put something in the bin you're going to knock on it you're a bin man now for free yeah well I actually now I control the bins. You want to put something in the bin you're going to knock on ass. You're a bin man now? For free? Yeah.

Well I actually don't use the bins myself. I got a tip. What would your normal household waste be? You're fucking Dexter. What are you doing? Why the fuck

are you going to So it's the set up of my road. We haven't got purple bins. It's a very small road we've only got blue bins which is recycling only. Yeah. So people leave their bin bags on the floor outside yeah and i i don't want bin bags outside me what what for like three hours before the bin man comes no she'll go oh it's

sunday night i'll put them out so when's your bit when's your collection tuesday right so report those people no yes why would i do that because it won't happen and then you won't have to go to fucking tip no no i've got a tip with my stuff with your tea bags because on a Wednesday if I've got two full bins what do you do where do you put them

in a day yeah you've got two full bin bags in a day Saturday night you've had a party you've never had a party I was going to say

how many parties have you had Seneca's had two in the last two weeks just that's too bad human by the way but if I've got bins I'm taking them to tip.

I want them gone. The tip is five minutes. I got bins. They're multiplying. It's five minutes away and I'll also really, really enjoy going to tip. Oh, the tip,

that's man play. Is this real? You go to tip like every week. So if it gets to like Saturday or Friday and we've got two bin bags, I'll just take them to tip.

If it gets to Monday, I'll go, right, I'll just just wait i'll leave them in the back and then i'll take them out where's the tip where's the tip mileage wise uh he knows what it is where the old swan no god no otter's pool it's a long pleasure island it's a five minute i can leave mine and be but it's within 10 minutes and is there ever how busy is this tip quiet and it's tiny right it's on it's a five minute I can leave mine and be back within ten minutes and is there ever how busy is this tip quiet and it's tiny right it's on a roundabout

no one knows it's there really it's on a roundabout so you just lash it back on a roundabout looks like a tip that'll do

it's mad that you think you were gatekeeping a secret pub that you didn't want anyone to do it and Carl's gatekeeping the tip it's on a roundabout.

You won't know it's there. Yeah, I just... People are scum. Right. Oh, it's Wednesday, isn't it? I'll put my chicken bones out for six days. Yeah. It was a hedgehog in a bin,

didn't they? A hedgehog. What? Yeah. I thought that was in the cartoons. I've never seen one before. Did you take it in the bins? I can hear it.

The hedgehog was in the bins. Imagine if you're like, sorry, rules is rules. So let's not put hedgehog food out on the streets. Hedgehog food? Yeah. People are scum. Sorry.

Where'd you get hedgehog food from? It's your fucking waste, isn't it? Yeah, but that's just waste. It's not hedgehog food. This is wild, you know. It's not. I just like to be clean. Throughout the past couple of months, you've revealed a lot about yourself

like a lot more that's made you weirder I think moving into my own house has changed a lot that is wild just going to tip on you that is mad so I weed the front of my house

on the pavements and stuff and the curb but no one else does are they scum? the council should do that yeah but let's not fucking rely on the council because they're not going to hardy I think it's easier to make a phone call than it is to weed your front

six half an hour once a month half an hour because people aren't weeding their front path and they're leaving their bins and stuff leaving their bins is not like a crime. It's not the norm. No, within a wheelie bin it is, yeah. But just, we haven't got purple wheelie bins.

We haven't got general waste bins. They leave them on the floor. Just the bin bags, yeah. Oh! Forget everything I've said. Thank you. Right, yeah. No, but I still don't see how you go in the tip with yours. Because I don't want to be a part of the problem. I make sure I've said. Thank you. Right, yeah. No, but I still don't see how you go in the tip with yours.

Because I don't want to be a part of the problem. I make sure I'm clean. Everyone else should just get on board. But if you really cared about edge jogs and that, you'd take everyone's bins a tip. I'm not doing that, am I?

Going in the tip with your... It's like going to the dentist to clean your teeth. To clean your teeth? Yeah, just go in there. Just do that one. Just twice a day. Go on, just brush them.

Don't you like the tip? No. I do like the tip, but... You're like such a man to fell a note. No, no, no. This is just go in there. Just do that one. Just twice a day. Go on, just brush them. Don't you like the tip? No. I do like the tip, but... I feel like such a man to fell in love with you. No, no, no. This is the thing, though. You're talking... The tip.

Your tip is like my bellend. It's desensitised now. You go in the tip too much and you're taking away the magic of the tip. It's like Christmas every day. Yeah. It's not. I still feel the same magic.

Yeah, but then one day that magic will die. The other day I took paint. I had to ask him. Yeah, because it's in a special place. No, he wouldn't accept it. And I felt great. Oh, this is a terrible tip. Chester tip, shout out CH1 tip.

They've got like a shop. Oh yeah, like appliances and stuff, kids toys. Just any, like I got like a drinks cabinet from there. Six dabs. Yeah. Like, but there's a little paint bit. There's a clothes bit come Chester

we'll go to tip like stuff people have chucked away not merch yeah yeah yeah right okay merch I thought it was like

tip merch yeah when you grow up new hoodies dropping on Monday when you grow up and leave your house I don't mind the tip

I've been you'll enjoy it more I mean I can't believe no one on your street's got a wheelie bin oh it's an alley system uh and the wheelie bins i don't know what an alley system is that's why i was confused so we've got alleys behind our houses the terrace yeah yeah you're meant to leave your gunnel i was close you meant to leave your bin whatever's lazy and leaves them on the road.

She just jumps over the bins. So do you not have bin men? Yes. They reverse down the road every... And they just take the bags? They just take the bags. They do that with mine because it's a terrace.

They do that. But everyone on my street's disciplined. Bin man comes Friday morning. We lost Brian. Brian was the man. Brian passed last year. He was the goat of our our road and now everyone's left the standard slip and i'm trying to lead by example you're the new brian r.i.p refuse in peace you're david moyes i'm trying to lead by example i'm trying to be like look can we just keep our you know why don't you write a

little letter and just post it through the letterbox? Just see if there's change. People can't expect... I know I've left four or five passive-aggressive things in a WhatsApp group. And I'm planning one today as well. What's it going to be? So I've got the key now. I now control the bins. And I'm going to be like,

no more bins in this spot. And if you want access to your bins, ask me. Is it only you? Has no one else got... Not unless they've bought an alley key. The bin master. Yeah. I'd relish living in your streets

if I didn't know you because I'd purposefully be fucking around with my bins to do your living. So what I've said... See, you're number 42. Thinks he's the fucking bin king. What I've said in my head,

but I don't know how to say it out loud, is any bins left, I'm going to put in the middle of the road. As like a shame. What a fucking bin that's, are you? I found a mouse in my house, like a month ago, and it just made me dead angry.

You've got a cat? The cat probably brought the mouse in? No, the cat killed it, but I had aired it in the wall. In the bay where the bins are. That's not the bins. It is. It's not.

Mice are about, mate. It's rats. Oh, it was just born in the walls, bay where the bins are that's not the bins it is it's not mice mice are about mate it's rats rats in the walls was it yeah that's what you'll be surprised how many mice are in your ice like genuinely like they're about yeah but i'm gonna put together the fact that people left bins outside my window and then a mouse appeared in the way you just start posting mice through people's and being like this, this is the bins, this. You did this. Like, gaslight them. Go buy lots of mice.

Go buy some mice from the pet shop. Post one through every door. Yeah. And then, obviously not one of yours, but then you just put it in a WhatsApp group. Put a little stamp on it. Anyone else got a mouse problem? A little stamp on the mouse? Look how we saw you posting them at 2am.

Ah, that wasn't me, that's... Someone's video, do you have a big problem? I said, I've got a mouse problem. But I sent it at half two in the morning. Before you've even posted it, there's one going, Karl, why are you posting mice? Because my road is beautiful and it's known for being a beautiful place.

It's mice, though. What? That's what I thought when I went down it. It's beautiful, but there's a lot of mice. It's a beautiful place it's mice though what? that's what I thought when I went down it it's beautiful but there's a lot of mice it's a beautiful road and sandals are slipping so I'm trying to be

lead by example trying to be the fucking John Terry if yeah alright good luck with that so go on the tip of my bags I feel like that's been me

doing my business how long you been doing that? three four months seen any change? No. But now I own the bins. I've bought an alley key. How much?

£10. I said to the person, I was never given one when I moved in, she went, yeah, well, you should have been. Do you know what you should do? Go Timpsons and get them cut. No, they're all like laser fellas. Three quid.

And then sell them for a tenner to everyone on the street and just make seven quid a house. They're all lasers. You can't do that. Lays seven quid a house they're all lasers you can't do that laser man it's like them keys you can't get caught like specifically

madly so how have you got one because the council makes them I know the ones the ones that you can't copy you can't copy my house key I've got a special house key you could never cut

you have to order it off the company interesting an electronic key no it's laser cut it's not we can't cut that yeah the little man Order it off the company. Interesting. An electronic key. No, it's like, if you take it to a Timsons, they go, we can't cut that.

Yeah. The little man is... Is it called a safety key? Yeah, it's like, it's all... Oh. Listen, I've grown up. You'll do it one day, Finn. Wait until you've got your own house and you've got Pratt.

I never understood Pratt, what way you live. I was like, yeah, I just live here. It's my house. I can do what I want. When you own it. You say you've grown up, but I'd argue that

passive aggressively taking your bins to the tip so other people don't leave their bins is the opposite of growing up what other place you've lived is your mum's house no I lived in Japan

I applied there as well when it's yours it's like oh can we all look after this but I was in my mars I was like she can do it what's the bin system

like in Japan insane like actually insane each bin's got it's own color and if you they will go through so far so normal i used to have to have if you throw a battery out in general waste and they find it you'll get like a letter from like the police i used to hide batteries in like water you can i'm right here aren't i i used to hide the batteries to throw them away everything had to go in a perfect like a croissant yeah it'd be bittersweet

seneca once stayed in our headquarters in in the city in nagoya and left her hair dryer to be binned and the the teacher got a train from headquarters to her school and gave her it went dispose of this properly that's how insane they are about their bins Japanese are mental aren't they yeah insane that's mad that break time put your bins away properly what was the thing you asked it was a man play about putting things

in people's trolleys we'll see you in a minute welcome back to part three we've got Russell Hicks here first time on the pod thanks Thanks for coming in. Thank you for having me. I really appreciate you coming in, man. Thank you.

That was like substitute teacher vibes. Just make yourself at home, yeah. How are you? I'm all right, man. What's going on? It's a good few years since we've seen each other, really, isn't it? Dude, I haven't seen you. Like, I was trying to tell you this out there. Like, I saw you pre-Empire.

Yeah. Like, honestly, the last time I saw you was seven years ago, maybe. Something like that, yeah. And now I come in, and it's kind of like, you remember in, like, Back to the Future when Biff steals the time machine, and they go into this new like honestly i'm outside have a word studios like a neon sign of you like smoking a cigar like welcome to road world i'm like fucking hell i mean it's amazing man we used to do a lot of like uh highlights and junglers and shit together that's where i feel like we started working together really

yeah you're like one of those guys that i see on the circuit. Like, we've been to, like, basically, like, NAMM. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? There's a sort of Band of Brothers vibe, I feel like. Same with you, Danny. Like, I mean, and, you know, like, newer comics will come up, and then this makes me feel so old.

Some of those shit gigs we used to do are just, like, myth now. Yeah, they don't exist anymore. They don't exist. People are like, oh, I heard about that. Or they or they're the norm like some of the shit gigs now like new acts are doing like instead of the good gigs what you mean like when they start like they're doing like they think doing a gig to like eight people is normal like some of the i see they're like oh what there was people there that paid to watch and they were laughing.

And you're like, yeah, that's what it used to be like. Yeah. I think what he means though, is like those stag and Henny junglers type gigs. That doesn't feel like there's, they've really been replaced. No,

but it's because trends move in it. Like it's ax throwing now in it, like in 10 years time, in 10 years time, the ax throwing people would be like, mate, I just love that. There's like ax throwing fans in now,

like 10 years ago, there used to be stags and heads and shit now it's like we so throw two axes on a friday yeah throw it on a sunday if you were looking on a bank you could like throw you can throw new axes in a new way now is that still gone now not right this is how behind chester is they've just they've just opened an axe throwing get a quasar or maybe like we've just gotten maybe we're on a little quays on it or maybe like we've just gotten maybe we're on a little bit better gigs you know like when we're because that'll happen sometimes like i'll be like someone will disappear from the circuit and i'll be like whatever happened to that guy i guess he quit and then i find out that he's just like a level above me now like he's

doing better shit they're just selling famous now oh oh okay no like i just don't see him on my when was the last time you did a gig full of stag and hens like because that was that was what those audiences were yeah doesn't highlight was stag and hens and the odd couple like peppered throughout it i also feel like they were the only ones though like yeah that was because they were marketed to that they had like databases specific yeah they were on was it there was like a site called like onion ring or something where you would go and plan your fucking do onion ring it was i'm sure it was called something like that and you would plan your do and they'd have like go-karting or comedy and you could put a package together and the package that offered was jonglers or highlight mad onion ring.com you didn't be a stag lad i was just left it to onion ring.com and then you'd like like if you was a gig you would be like it's like

groupon essentially you would ring onion ring you would onion ring them up wow and say oh well you put us on here we're doing like a stag package for 40 pound a head or whatever yeah that's the only time i ever got sent home on a weekend i did leeds junglers uh and i think it was at like tiger tiger yeah and it was uh you know it was like christmas time so everyone's doing their work things and i remember i went this never happened i went back to the hotel that night and i got a call from whoever ran the junglers and we're like you're we're sending you home because apparently and i listened to the recording i didn't actually say this apparently in the middle of the show

i was bombing badly and i said uh i said you know what fuck your christmas and uh they she said that to me and she's like you you apparently told everyone in the room like fuck your christmas so we're sending you home. You said words. Huh? How did they recover from words? Yeah, I know, right? Someone says, fuck your Christmas.

You're like, oh, well, right. I'm going to have to tell the kids now there's no presents. Gentlest thing you can say in a jungle. Fuck your Christmas or we're going to have to get him removed from the bill. No, and the worst part is, so they were like, we're going to pay you for the weekend and send you home. But then that club went, junglers went bust. So you didn't get paid? No, and the worst part is, so they were like, we're going to pay you for the weekend and send you home. But then that club went, Junglers went bust. So you didn't get paid.

So the idea that I look back and I'm like, I did that and I didn't get paid for that. Like, what was it for, man? That was Santa. It is like NAMM, isn't it? What was it?

Yeah. He sorted it, yeah. He put Junglers on the naughty list. That was it. Of all the comics I've worked with, because obviously you compare a lot and you do a lot of hosting and a lot of it you're obviously great at crowd work but you do crowd work you've been doing like long before it was popular and it's like now the thing that everyone does to get clips out back when we used to work together you would go on to do a

closing set and just do crowd work and i was i think you were the first comma i see seeing like sort of do that right yeah i mean it's so weird now because i think i'm just now realizing that it's so popular now because my mom because you know like matt rife right yeah which is so weird i just realized the other, I think the planet just associates that, like thinks that he just created that style. Yeah. Well, a lot of people think Paul Smith created it in the UK. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's crazy because my mom the other day was like, she messaged me.

She said, you got a show tonight? And she goes, what do you think you're going to do tonight? You think you're going to do mostly crowd work? And I was just like, who taught you that? taught you that like what like that's our term like even my mom knows the lingo now because of matt rife yeah exactly matt rife fun yes yes to find out about your mom that dude i went back to i went back for the summer or whatever, and she was just like, there is this guy. He's just like you. And I'm just, oh, it would just ruin my day.

I'd be like, stop. I don't know the guy. I haven't even watched that much. But you know, when anyone tells you, oh, this person's exactly like you. I think Matt Rife is a lot better than his biggest critics would have you believe. And I think he's a lot worse than his biggest fans would have you believe and I think he's a lot worse than his biggest fans

would have you believe I think he's just you know is that the Patrick Bateman guy that looks like a psychopath yeah like the jaw guy yeah the jaw guy

yeah yeah don't know him looks like plasticine don't watch comedy does he wear a hoodie sometimes see if he'd have done that 10 years ago

or whenever when I watched that one special I might have seen him. Don't know who it is. Was that a conscious decision, though, or did you just always find crowd work easier than writing? Oh, man. You know what?

I'm glad I know you well, yeah, because if I didn't, that just sounded like the most backhanded. What are you saying? If you could write jokes, would you? Did you just find it easier did you just find it easier um fuck you now i honestly dude i was thinking about this the other day i was like if you'd have given me a choice like i think most people like your style finds you you don't choose it and if you just sat me down and been like all right here's three options you know which one do

you want i'd have been like give me clean observational comedian please that's going to be a much more lucrative sell uh it's just like i was just always better at it like i i started doing stand-up in california and you do a lot of like uh bar shows and stuff and i would go on i used to go on with like you know a bunch of material and i would be like super prepared and you know that the good thing for me is like i didn't even know that was a thing you could do so i know that's my style because it just started to happen yeah you know like people would heckle me that was the first thing that would happen. Because I'm like, I was a bit of a raw nerve on stage. Like I was a little uncomfortable.

So it's like, I kind of like the littlest thing. I'd be like, what was that? And then I would just like kind of attack. And then sometimes the show would tip. And then sometimes it would go well. And I'd be like, all right, I got to figure out how to like kind of make it, like be able to do that in a way that doesn't, it doesn't go weird. Just imagine you're doing clean observations now.

Just in my head, you're like, screw your festivities. Have you ever done that? Have you ever tried just being like, I'm going to do, I tried that like when you pivot, like have you ever just gone, you know what, I'm going to try and write some joke, like one liners or not one lap, but like. The only just gone on do you know what i'm gonna try and write some joke like one-liners or not one like but like uh the only change and then you go you changed big like seven years ago we were talking about this stuff there so i at edinburgh 2016 i did a show that i didn't really like because i thought it's what people wanted from me what was that one uh it was

a bit of sweet little lies um and someone said to me because i was like sort of i got some reviews that i wasn't happy with and i was like but it i want to use it to figure out what i want to do now mash house no the just the wee one right um mash house one was a good show i think but like yeah um someone said to me would you pay to see yourself and i was like no and they went what are you fucking doing then so i tried to become a sort of more americanized opinionated comic and that's sort of where i started going with it but then i also made a big change for juicy the the breakup special which is a narrative show and i'm sat down for a lot of it and i like don't really shout at all until the very end and try to completely change what I did with that as well

because I get, and I'm in a bit of a rut with it at the minute. A rut's probably the wrong word, but I don't know what I want to do next because I always want the next special to be a bit different than the one I've just done because the last routine in the special that I've got coming out later this year,

I whisper. The last 10 minutes of my show is all whispered and the reason i wrote that routine is the only negative comments i see on my clips is all he does is shout him and i was like well i'm gonna close with a beer when i fucking whisper and you can suck my dick it works huh it works yeah to create it way it's the best bit in the show like has there ever been a case where you've seen a comic who was shit completely pivot and kind of turn it around by completely changing their style i've seen a comic who was shit completely pivot and still be shit do you know who apparently wasn't great when he started finn taylor like finn taylor was seen as like too dark

and a bit like like not great no one really rated them apparently and now look at him like stand up wise i think he's fucking brilliant and he's created this his own show that's like made him massive but like i i remember talking to an agent in the industry and they were like i'd completely written off and tell we all had like within the industry was just like meh i don't know he's i don't know i don't think he was shit but i don't think he was i never saw his stuff but i know i remember his like photos though yeah and it looked very of its time like russell caney russell howardy like hoodies so maybe like people just looked at that and then yeah it was like we've already got seven of you yeah and then he and he changed because i yeah, I remember it's funny because you and Finn Taylor,

there's like certain people I just remember when I first moved here, that Edinburgh, I remember seeing you did a show, something about kicking a goal. Your dad was about your dad. Oh, I ended my show with penalties because it's the best way to end anything. Right. So I had a video of me and my dad having a penalty shootout and I ended it's the best way to end anything right so i had a video i had a video of me and my dad having a penalty shootout and i ended it with the penalties that's cool it

was cool two stars but um yeah me and my dad uh no no i remember watching the show thinking it was good and then i remember yeah it like didn't whatever the review or i don't know i i remember you being like uh you were kind of you and finn like uh you were both of the tron yeah and i remember being like that guy's show was good and then being like he's getting a bit of a beating and then i saw finn and finn was taking a beating that year he was just standing out there trying to fly her and he's telling me no one's coming 2014 that was i think yeah it was 2014 i that. And then it's just so weird to then see people completely turn it around. Yeah, Finn's doing really well.

I remember walking away from Finn being like, what? And then others, yeah. Dude, I don't write anybody off anymore because I have seen people where i'm just like oh that poor kid i don't know and then massive you know what i mean like it can turn especially these days it can turn so fast and people do like get an awful lot better like i haven't seen him for ages but he's had a great run at edinburgh and apparently he does really well on like club gigs now and in my head because i was like four or five years in when he started I'd just seen him as like a really new comic

where he was really hitting this all the time but apparently Harry Staccini is doing really really well like I had not unbooked good things about him for the past

like year or two and he's gone to Edinburgh he's sold out every day he's four and five star reviews so people I'm in the same place you are

do you know what I mean because you see Harry as like a new comic because it's the first sort of experience I've had of that of someone i seen as like a new open spot who was doing all right and now they've become a proper comic like i i've i've not seen that development loads but people do get a lot better i don't know how much he's pivoted though because on stage he's like i've seen clips of him he still seems like the same style he always had

i don't think he's changed much. Maybe he's just better at that. Yeah. That's the thing, isn't it? Do you think you've changed much? Don't think I have. No. Still sick.

He came off stage the other day and he went, I'm just the fucking best, aren't I? And I just went, yeah, you are. Because he is, isn't he? He's not like, he just is. I'm not trying to blow some more hooking ass, but when it comes to that, you are. So is isn't he he's not like he just is I'm not trying to blow some more hooking ass but when it comes to that you are

so hosting yeah yeah no I don't think I've like because that's always just like I said I've tried I've like thought about it

and like but then you realise don't you like it's like when you go oh I'm going to have something else for my tea and then you're like

oh I should have just had bolognese you know like why am I trying to do all this stuff bolognese every night yeah don't change are you sorry are you bolognese no i don't think i'm bolognese what are you then oh i don't know you know i don't know pizza no i'm not pizza maybe chicken provencial like a little bit of comfort food like herby tomatoey that's me hunter's chicken no hunter's chicken whenever i hear that it just reminds me of hunters hunts is it hunter's

disease or something and it just makes me it's not is it huntington's hunt yeah that yeah that was on emmerdale once um someone had that once and i didn't i didn't Google it because I was like, oh, I'll probably think I've got that. That's what I used. That was my vibe on it. So I don't know. It's a good question, that. What are you? On stage?

What do you think you are? You don't want to be liked by everyone, do you? No. I'm like Marmite Olives. Olives. Fucking world class, but, you know, some people are stupid and don't like it. Well done, steak.

No, that should be your bio and everything. I'm classed, but some people are stupid so they don't like it. By the way, so Harry, who does all of our research, who's sat at the back over there, he does a bit of research on our guests and gives us printed sheets. I think you are such an enigma to him

because here's one of the facts we've got about you. Once went on stage at Edinburgh wearing a Spider-Man costume. Now, I don't know how that's like. How did you find that? How did you even find that? Well, one of them is American. Wow. So, you know.

Wow, you really dig deep. How did you find that? I'm sorry. Killer journalism. Why didn't I get one of them? Because we know you. Yeah, but I still wanted one. All right, we'll make one for you then.

Next time you want us a guest, we'll have it. We probably did have one when you were on the couch. You didn probably have seen it you understand it'll be here i want to know what it's we never normally bring it up i've only brought it up because this one is so fucking once had a heckler throw chips at him why is that and that's bolded and some of them are bold they're the big ones oh that's way back dude that was way back the the heckler throwing chips at me i feel like that was like early days like 2011 or 12 when like everyone if you put a video like that up on youtube it was

just like it could just jim jeffries got punched yeah like that like that was like a thing like if you had something made jim jeffries yeah so have you seen some people won't say names but some people have like tried one like they've like they've been hit with something off and then they've gone this is me i'm out of it and then they've put it up and people have gone why don't you move someone got hit with a glass why'd you stand there you pussy yeah was it chips one at a time or was it a whole tray of chips at once? I like that question. Was it a piece of chips? Also, because you're American, was it crisps? No, it was a French fry.

Yeah. Yeah, no, it was one chip. One solid chip. Yeah, with ketchup on it. Oh. Yeah. Why? What had you said?

I don't know. I probably... Why are you blaming the victim here? What did you do? You also gigged naked. Huh? So nothing? You gigged naked.

I tried that once, yeah. I was doing a show in Brighton, and I just came out at the end naked with a sock. Did you forget your Spider-Man costume? Yeah, that's what it was, man. That was that Spider-Man phase there. I can't go on in normal clothes. It was a Spider-Man phase.

No. Dude, honestly, I forgot that even happened. I was doing an Edinburgh show in the same venue that there was a kids show on. And I just... You wanted to get them in? This dude, yeah. I was trying to get a young... I was trying to ship my fan base.

Trying to get them early. But, yeah like ship my fan base trying to get him early but uh yeah and then i don't know man i just put dude i did edinburgh so i don't know about you but i i don't think i figured out like what you were supposed to do up there until here's a question like three times um would you say you regret your debut hour at the fringe uh would i regret it um that is the second part it said regret his debut album so I don't know where did you

where did you find that from Harry Harry come here come here dude did you did you go inside my head to get these facts he's your therapist

this is freaking me out he's your therapist this is like I think I went back to about 2010 on your Facebook I wrote that yeah there was a there was an interview You're freaking me out. This is like... I think I went back to about 2010 on your Facebook. I wrote that?

There was an interview you did with some local paper or something. What a great... He just went through all your... It says in here that one night in 2011, you were feeling anxious. It's good that it's job. He knows everything about you. Yeah, dude. This guy is freaking me out, actually.

It also says... We're just going to go through all of them is this like you want I am actually interested in this you travelled from England to the west coast of the US

without using a plane oh who the fuck are you he's good at his job is that true what is this guy is it true yeah man how did you do that the west coast uh i took a cruise ship water so i didn't like to fly i just was like i was i i don't

like flying yeah and i was like well forget it i don't i don't feel like going home taking a plane so i just looked at other options and you could take a boat, six day cruise from Southampton to New York. That is less interesting than I thought it was going to be. I thought it was like an adventure. Yeah, yeah. It sounds like you were fucking like swimming after it.

Just kind of going on a cruise. If there's no hot sandwich involved. Yeah. Why don't you like flying? Huh? Why don't you like flying? Why don't I like flying? I just don't like it.

I don't like being in planes. Yeah. You're scared. A lot of comics don't like flying. It's a control thing. just don't like it i don't like being in planes yeah you're scared a lot of comics don't like flying it's a control thing i don't like yeah i think that's what it is yeah it's a control thing i'd rather fly the plane did you really yourself you said that was the you you know what i mean no that's the most you thing that anyone's ever said yeah yeah i'm not fuck give it here yeah i've seen one episode of krypton factor i'll fucking land the plane like when if the plane was going down and they were like can anyone fly this plane if there was no actual qualified pilot i'd want to do it above everyone else on the plane just do that ridiculous

yeah i'd like i just i need to like for someone who sat in my passenger seat probably more than any other comic i don't believe it. By the way, I like how I got punished for his shit research. It's like, that was way more boring than was written. Well, I mean, it's not like I came in and I was like telling my girlfriend, you know what, I'm going to tell him the story about how. And she's like, are you sure? Because it starts out like a lot better than it actually is no trust me babe i know podcasts i'm gonna hit him with the eye to eye book too i'm

gonna walk him through how i found it online did you and by the way did you actually think that i like greta tunberg did to like another yeah like the way he's written back down it does feel like it's in bold letters by putting it it's in bold letters by the way it's in bold letters once travelled from England to the west coast without using a plane

that doesn't sound like P&O Cruz maybe he should have done a little more research and found out there was nothing in there train to Buenos Aires I love that

I love how he stopped there stowed away in a case that's how it feels first I crashed aboard yeah I crashed into a desert island and then I just sort of swam it it does sound like that though it said you once disparaged a whole religion

but that was probably you saying fuck your christmas that's what he thinks you were a medical footballer as well huh you played american football for high school why didn't you make it what is this fucking podcast what is this who are you why didn't i make it it's not like i was in the running to be like drafted by the nfl it's because he was riffing all the plays pure audibles i think it's because over here yeah played for the high school football team in my head with america that you are on your way to the nfl in my head it's impressive if it feels like that feels a lot more impressive than me saying i played football in school i did like one year in high school like right when i got into high school and was like oh okay this is a

different game i'm out of here. I just wasn't involved. Like, are your football, I don't know why there's like a tradition in American football where the coaches are just like, it's like the military. Yeah. Like, I don't know if they do the same. Like someone long ago in American football was like, the best way to motivate these kids is to just fucking like scream. I just remember like we were 14 and guy'd be like are you little fucking bitches like hit the ground and i was like what are we playing football like what is this man

like preparing people for afghanistan there's some like yeah there's over here that's used by is that like a thing here i mean yeah it's not quite like military level it's just like angry scouts dads being like fucking pass it's open you fucking idiots pass it, Tom! He's open! You fucking idiots! Pass it! Shit like that. But yes, that's a hard line, isn't it? Yeah. But obviously some kids are turned off by that. Like you were.

Like that doesn't work for some kids. Yeah, that wouldn't work on me. That teacher didn't know what the game lost that day that he shouted at you. It's true, man. Could have had a kid there. Huh? What position did you play? Quarterback?

I mean, by the time I was in high school, just bench. Like I had no interest, dude. I was like, I, I was like way more interested in skateboarding and smoking weed by that first year.

Uh, but you know what? When I was younger, yeah. Quarterback. I played quarterback. Yeah. When I was young,

young. I, I, I'd love like that to like take off over there properly, you know, like play in American football. I was young, young. I'd love that to take off over here properly, you know, like playing American football. I think it looks sick. They're trying to get flag football in the next Olympics. And all the...

Because flag football is like an actual sport. And obviously the best flag footballers in the world are in America. And the NFL players are like, oh, class, well, if there's going to be flag football in the Olympics, obviously we'll be in the team because we're proper football players. But all the flag footballers are like no yeah yeah yeah we've been

doing this yeah don't come over here like after you've been touching each other yeah non-contact that's us i'd love a little game of it i think we need to take football out of the olympics do the game of soccer yeah i. I think it's pointless. Why? Nobody cares. Do you care? I don't, but it is one of the most watched things in the Olympics. That's only because people like it because it's funny.

It's watched less than the World Cup, isn't it? Oh, yeah, but that's compared to... But, I mean, what I'm saying is if they took it out of the Olympics, the Olympic viewing figures would plummet. Okay. I see what you mean. I suppose. Because people, like... I couldn't even tell you who won. Spain. France. Was it Spain or... Spain, France in the final plummet. Okay. I see what you mean. Supposedly. Because people like... I couldn't even tell you

who won. Spain. France. Was it Spain or... Spain, France in the final. And the men and the women as well. It was Spain and France. Yeah.

Yeah. Like, it just doesn't matter. It belongs there now. Well, the women's one does. So the women's one is just under the World Cup as an accolade. So are they sending

their best players then? Yes. Can I play the front for France in the final? Lacazette. No one cares. Might be the best player to say in a Scouse accent. Lacazette. It's just not serious, is it? It just isn't.

Put paddling. It's the same with basketball as well. America just obviously are going to win most of the time, aren't they? Yeah, they put the All-Stars out as well. Huh? They put the All-Stars out. They did, yeah. All their best players.

They got a slap up on the last one, didn't they? And then took it personally. Did they lose the last one, yeah? Yeah, they didn't win the gold. Oh, really? No, four years ago they didn't win the gold. Oh, did they not? No, no, no.

Canada, France? Canada, four years ago they didn't win the gold. No, no, no. Canada, France? Canada. Canada. Australalia. I don't know. I think it might have been like Croatia or it might have been Argentina.

I don't know. They might have won it. I'm questioning my whole self now. Well, the best player in the world, Serbian, I think. Nikola Jokic.

Yeah. The Joker. You're a big basketball guy really, aren't you? About 5'9 america did win what in 2000 and 2020 yeah 2021 actually what about the one before there's one that they definitely didn't win and they got it was like a thing yeah because they call themselves the champions of the world america one oh all of them 16 oh right 2012 oh shit no right sorry I'm wrong

but I'm sort of right no it was the FIBA championships which is like the world body of basketball it wasn't the Olympics it was like the

world championships and they didn't win that so they were like right the Olympics we're going to twat everyone they did that yeah yeah yeah sorry about that

Lebron and Steph carried them through despite being the old players do you know in French he's called The Bron you're really happy with that aren't you not at all

let's have a little break and we'll come back do some letters from the listeners press the button please fancy you stay have you seen the comment that we keep getting as well now people are on to it the listeners. Press the button, please. Fancy you, Steve. Have you seen the comment that we keep getting as well? Now people are onto it.

So Steve used to be in the specials previously. What, the band? No, the school. His role in the company changed. He was not in them no more. And someone comments

every month saying another special ruined by Steve. Because he's just not in them oh it's like you're like Scrappy-Doo like when he's in Scooby-Doo you're like oh not fucking Scrappy put him down

I love Scrappy oh nah he was a little maggot in love Scrappy put him down mate Scrappy's a good addition yeah

love Scrappy bin bag and a canal never seen that episode he hates dogs you know russell do you like dogs it's a good test of a man do you like dogs yeah yeah yeah no we're friends you like me yeah i do i love you so but i don't really like dogs i know but i always judge you for it's mainly you know what it's mainly it's mainly likes you in spite of it's the proper guy it's like your dog's not as good again it's it is it's the way people go on about the dogs it's mainly you know what it's mainly it's mainly likes you in spite of it's the proper guy it's like your dog's not as good again it's it is it's the way people go on about the dogs it's normally people who've got nothing else dog people are weird because i think it's weird to be a dog

person in a way that you only like dogs because they'll take all your shit if that was a human it'd fuck you off well that's the difference in dogs and cats and dog people and cat people exactly so that's why that's why people people and cats and dog people and cat people. Exactly. So that's why people people are better than dog people because a lot of dog people, they're only like, oh yeah,

I love my dog. It loves me back. It's like, yeah, you're a cunt to your dog and it still likes you. You were a cunt to your mate at work and he doesn't phone you anymore.

And that's the difference between dogs and people. It's a test and consent having a cat because a cat loves you when it wants to. Test and consent? Yeah. What? Don't fuck it? Don't fuck your cats. But like a cat loves you when it wants to test and consent yeah well don't fuck it don't fuck your cats but like a cat's like oh i'll come and love you when i want you can't grab it because it'll just fuck off and as dogs are like yeah

that's the difference in cat and dog people i also don't like like i'm not a dog or a cat person like i've got some fish that i love in a tank your fish no but i love that they're there right okay have you got any pets russell do you have any pets ever yeah well we have a cat that's kind of like in a tank. You love your fish. No, but I love that they're there. Right, okay. Have you got any pets, Russell? Do you have any pets ever? Yeah, well, we have a cat that's kind of like our neighbor's cat came into our house

and we didn't know it was the neighbor's cat. Do you know after two weeks it's legally yours? What? Oh, great news. If a cat's in your house for two weeks,

you can legally register as yours. Can I just say, is that only cats? Yeah, not dogs. Or people. Or people. Claim it as yours. Keep it there for two weeks.

Do you like the cat? Yeah, we love it. Get her the cat. Just keep it in the house for two weeks and you've bought her the cat. Also, if you run a cat over,

you don't have to do anything about it, but if you run a dog over, you'd have to stop and call the police. It's not do anything about it. It's don't have to stop. If you run a cat over, it's not like you can leave it there. You can. No, no, but I'm saying the rule is you're not meant anything about it. It's don't have to stop. If you run a cat over, it's not like you can leave it there.

You can. You can. No, no, but I'm saying the rule is you're not meant to slam on. No, but you also don't have to notify anyone. No. Apart from your mates, like fucking should have seen that then.

If you run a cat over, you can just keep driving, mate. Get to where you need to be. If you run a dog over, then you have to be like, oh, for fuck's sake. Got to find out who this cunt belongs to. Or you or you can go oh i thought it was a big cat yeah you don't have to like you can kill cats no one's fucking shit on cats man you can get kidnapped and run over and no one doesn't care

about it catnapped like do room 102 now go what's that yeah we're going to room 102 so we've been doing this for a few weeks is it weeks months i don't know all blows into one russell have you got anything that you want to banish forever yeah it's a room 102 i didn't even know we were recording where was it was that whole time i've been sitting here i was like uh yeah all right what was the first thing that i wanted to to banish um all right you know when you're like and this happens a lot at the airport you'll be in line how'd you know huh yeah exactly you mean the boat or the port on the random times i'm at on the rare time i'm at an airport i'll be like

you you'll be standing in line and it's like a soup a really long line the people who stand behind you and at the slightest movement they have to move forward as well and it's usually like they're getting so close to you you'll even just move ahead just to get a little bit of distance. And then they have to come up. Oh, I know. I hate you actually. I'm the person you're talking about. I'm,

I'm behind you going fucking move. No, no, no. Listen to me. The line isn't moving up ahead. Do you know what I mean? So like,

it'll be just like, cause people like you see this thing. You're just, you're in your, you be just like, because people like you, see this thing, you're in your little world, right? But there's more world outside of that. So the line hasn't moved. I just, I'm trying to get a little bit, because you're breathing on me. You're right behind me.

And then you've got to come up. We're not going to get there any quicker. You know what I mean? See, people like you, I feel like it's a good sign. But if the line moves and you just stay there, just like... See, you're impatient, you know? I feel like it's a good sign. Like, whenever someone does that, I'm like,

I don't know, man, this guy must premature ejaculate. You know what I mean? Is it impatience? Impatience. I hate people who don't fill the gap at traffic lights oh man i know we can't go anywhere but i want to be there quicker yeah blow their head off and leave their car there yeah um just a couple of cars that's the other one yeah it's like if it's traffic is not it's at a stand still and then the the guy that'll be behind just honking that That's me. And it's like... Oh, no, no.

Yeah, but what do you expect us to do? I mean if they're not filling the space in front. Yeah. Even if there's nowhere to go, fill the space. Yeah, get me closer to my destination. Why are we hanging back all the way back here? Yeah. We could be six yards from here.

But there is no space. If it's at a standstill... Oh, no, standstill, yeah, they're stupid. And those people that are just honking, it's like... Yeah, because... Where are we supposed to go here? Yeah, but if there's like a car's worth of space in front not even that not even that mate half a car yeah one click on the on the fucking the trundle wheel a meter a meter yeah fill the gap just fill

bumper to bumper yeah pull up to me and you know when like they leave the gap and then the gap gets filled by a external car that wasn't like i will undertake everybody oh mate i am honestly i am kane's brother but i am i am the undertaker i will on the motorway i'm just there i shouted this is mad i shout random shit when i was so someone did that and and filled the gap and i wanted to there was someone in front and then there was a gap and i was like i can just move and there was someone in front and then there was a gap and I was like, fucking just move

and then someone just undertook and I just went, that's you that is. Like, that's on you. That's your fault. Push on. I did it today.

Joe, if someone lets someone out unnecessarily and then you missed the light by one, I'll just drive to the red light. Yeah. And if you get pulled over, you should be able to go,

nah, it was him. It was his fault. Do you know when someone lets someone out just out of the goodness of their heart when they don't have to in front of me? Like, you're just driving down the road and they just stop. And they're just like,

go on, mate. I'm like, who do you think you are to make the decision to slow me down? Go on, mate. I'm like, who do you think you are? The worst one as well. To make the decision to slow me down. No, you don't get to decide. You're holding me here because you want him to like you. You want this cunt to like you.

Why does him liking you outweigh me liking you just because I'm behind you? I think you're the cunt now. You want a little wave? You want a little wave, do you? Yeah, it's a net negative. You've got a net negative, yeah. Russell, you've started something to do with Q&A.

I know. This is taking on a life of its own now. Just, if you're in the way, fucking get out the way as best you possibly can. While we're here as well, if we're throwing stuff in, people who press the button to cross the road, just be an adult.

That button should blow your armour. Unless you're impaired or a child. If you're an able-bodied adult. Two years. Sorry? What did you say? Impairs? Yeah, if there's two years, it's fine.

Or if you're in a pair, like stuck in a green fruit. No, if you press that and you're like an able-bodied adult. Yes. Just wait. If it's chocker. Fair enough. No. If it's.

No, wait. Because if it's chocker, it'll, it'll then, there'll be traffic and just knit between the cars. The people who press the button and then cross. Oh. And then you get up and they've crossed. No. Some, you should be able to turn it to green again. No no you should be able to get out and go fucking wait there now

come back come back with me come back with me stand there and when it bit you can go when it beeps yeah people who just press it and go oh cunts russell yeah it's in because it's anger does. Yeah, yeah. His is the opposite. No, his is the opposite. His is the opposite. He wants to be in the way. Oh, Russell. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no.

No, this got all mixed up. I don't want to be in the way. I'm talking... Get out the way. Just behind. Huh? You want them to get out the way? I don't even remember, dude.

I don't even remember. Did you have any others? Yeah. I feel like this happens to a lot of comedians because we'll be like... Let's see. I don't even remember Did you have any others? Yeah I feel like this happens to a lot of comedians Because we'll be like Let's say I don't know I find myself

You got a lot of free time in the day So I like to wander around You know what I mean? Or if you're like doing a gig somewhere It's like really nice And you're like Maybe you're doing a corporate or something And you're in like a nice hotel

And you're sort of like walking around before the show I don't like those people Who work there Who will come up to you And they'll say nice hotel and you're sort of like walking around before the show i don't like those people who work there who will come up to you and they'll say can i help you when they don't really mean can i help you they're really trying to say like what are you doing here you know what i mean and i always in that situation i always force their hand i go no i'm all right where are you huh where are you in the usk it could be anywhere it could be like uh it could be just like i don't know maybe you're in always force their hand i go no i'm all right where are you huh where are you in the ask it could be anywhere it could be like uh it could be just like i don't know maybe you're in like uh

you're in like a like let's say you're doing like a corporate gig or something and you're in kind of just like a nice place that has a gate you know what i mean like in like a hotel yeah or like you know like canary area yeah or i've spoken about this before with like overzealous shop workers they're the worst people in the world when you walk in a shop and they're immediately like you're right yeah i was let's know hey do you want to have a look at this over here i know what i'm looking for fuck off and it's not even a shop it's not the shop workers fault it's their bosses it's big shop that's who's doing it they think that's how it like they make more sales if someone's like over the top tries to help me i will leave the shop yeah yeah yeah

like even if they've got what i want i never understood that either when you walk into a shop and that salesman comes straight at you i was like this is having the total opposite effect right now the way i want to leave this place all saints all saints love putting jackets on you they do though like if you go if you got this on it's putting them on you they they do though like if you go have you got this in like at large they come over and they're like yeah no i'll just put this i'm like i know how to put the jackets on yeah yeah is that from america is that an american customer service thing don't put that on us no but is it because american customer service is slightly overzealous and kind of on top of you because... Yeah. Is it come from there or has it always been...

I don't know, because it happens everywhere over here and we're not in America. Also, I get it. If that's the first time that shops have been going on. Yeah. Oh, is this how it works? I asked you for my size. I've been...

I'm not boasting. I've been to loads of shops, me. I know how it works now. Well, if you walk into Argos for the first time, they've got every right to ask. Yeah, exactly. You don't know what's going on in there right here's a question because i haven't been for ages and nando's still asking if you've been before every single time yeah you should grab a badge i've been before and then you just go in you wouldn't wear that like a like a peri peri lanyard like the sunflower lanyard you just go in and i'll put my lanyard, like the sunflower lanyard.

You just go in and go, I'll put my lanyard on. You've changed the rules, haven't you? It's all like, you can do the ordering on the app. No. I don't do that, mate.

No, I don't do it. I don't trust it. I don't trust it to get to the kitchen. No, I'd rather speak to a person. I'm like an old person. I'd rather speak to a person. Yeah. Do you do self-checkouts?

Depends how many items I've got and whether I can be arse-packed like doing it. If I've got like a full basket. I avoid it. I only do it if I've got and whether I can be arse-packed like doing it. If I've got like a full basket. I avoid it. I only do it if I've got a couple of things. Yeah. If I've got like ale or, I say ale,

I mean like red wine for gravy. Or paracetamol. Or paracetamol. Then I'll do it. Then I won't do it. But can you still steal from them? You used to be able to, they used to be so good at stealing.

You can steal, yeah. Apparently. They steal. Still at it. I heard you can steal. Greetings cards don't weigh anything. But can you still steal from them? You used to be able to, they used to be so good at, you can steal, yeah, apparently. They still, still at it. I heard you can still steal. Greetings cards, don't weigh anything, do they?

If you get one without a badge on, that's gratis, that. I don't know whether they still like this, but anything that doesn't have an official weight, didn't, like, wasn't registered to be weighed by the machine,

because they were like, we don't know how much tellies weigh. Do you know what I mean? If you're taking a telly, you need to sort weighed by the machine. Cause they were like, we don't know how much telly is way. Do you know what I mean? If you take it, you do the self check. But like, like an alarm clock. Just put it through his broccoli.

Yeah. Cause it's just like, it was like, yeah, broccoli could be there. They don't know. Do you know what I mean? Like the machine doesn't know you've put an alarm.

Can you imagine how much broccoli that is? Guy at big Tesco's like, fucking someone just bought four stone of broccoli. Have you got any more room 102s, Finry? Well, is that your lot, Russell? Have you got any more? I got one more. I don't know if you see this a lot.

I was driving. We were driving the other day. And this is like a thing, I I guess a lot of people do. I see someone driving, and they've got their phone up on the dashboard, and they're watching TikTok videos while they're driving. And I just think... In this country?

In this country, yeah. No, I've never seen them. In this country? Because you're watching TikTokiktok videos probably yeah in the year of our lord 2024 so dangerous though like while they're driving yeah we just passed the sky he's driving see multiple people driving he's just watching tiktok videos and i just think we don't we don't need these people you never had the match on in the world in the car oh you're one of them are you you do it no I don't have my phone on the dash

I've got the audio yeah that is by the way use an A to Z I'll have the audio on for the game I'll never watch you don't watch things

in the car that's dangerous in Jack's van there's a DVD player with a screen in the middle of the dash honestly but we did

on the tour we watched what film is it in bruges in bruges every that was the only thing we watched but we watched about 15 times great film though psychopaths man just driving tiktok videos hitting cats you don't have to stop i actually think you should be allowed to do whatever you are capable of doing in your car if that person has never run anyone over i think crack on you have to pass a test then yeah yeah there should be a text at the wheel to test yeah there should be yeah because i can do it i need three double cheeseburgers

yeah driving yeah that would be great actually you could take a special driving test where you can text and drive and if you pass it you don you're good at that. What if you fail it? You don't get any license. So you should have to go to them and go, here's everything I'm capable of doing while driving. And they test you on it. And if you fail any of it, you don't drive at all. Yeah, imagine failing it because the new tops on the drinks. You didn't know it was going to be a new top.

You could just take the test drunk. You just see people driving. You'd be so jealous when you'd be looking over at this dude with like just double fisted mirror cans. I am never safer at driving ever than when I've had two pints. More relaxed. No, not more relaxed. I'm more, I don't want to get pulled over

because I've had two pints and I might be just over the limit. So I'm a pair, I indicate. What? I slow down to zero to take corners you indicate i indicate you know what that's like though man you know what like i feel like you think you're like that you remember wolf of wall street where there's that scene where he he's like and i drove home and everything was fine and then they cut to like he had crashed it into the fountain that's you driving over you're like i'm perfect it's like when you're on a bomb mission

on grand theft auto and you're like right i'm stopping at all the red lights yeah you know like you don't want to hit your car so you're like and you're doing all like that two pints in i'm oh i can unwrap a double cheeseburger get the gherkins off and put them in the bag with one hand and you should and you know what i think you should have the right to do that well like no one's ever going to stop me for that are they well yeah they can because it's driving without due care and attention if like there is a rule like the policeman like because i always had this like mad like daydream where i've put myself in this situation so i'm there like this the way you use the word due yeah driving without due care and attention but you got your cops don't pull over as much it's incredible care and attention. Just calling people over in Prestwich.

But your cops don't pull over as much. It's incredible. Yeah, it's amazing. When you're in America and you're driving on the freeway, you're just constantly... And they, like,

properly hide as well. Like, it's not fair. You know what I mean? They'll, like, you'll go by and the sheriff would just, like, pop out of the ground.

Like, they really, like... What do they want? what do they want just to like shake you down yeah yeah shake you down yeah no but i mean if you're not doing anything wrong what are they doing they'll find something man yeah it's usually speeding or whatever and they've got guns no yeah yeah yeah but aren't you like isn't drink driving much less of a taboo in the States? What? What? Do you? Why? Yeah.

Yeah. I feel like a lot of people, I feel like it's more of a strict thing over here than it is in the States. It's really not a thing in Dubai. Weirdly. Like they're all pissed out there. Like genuinely. Really?

Yeah. Like people just get blathered and drive home. Cause it's like. To where? Saudi Arabia. They're not expecting it. What? Yeah. Like people just get blathered and drive home. Because it's like. To where? Saudi Arabia. Because they're not expecting it. What? They're not expecting it.

It's just not like a. It's not like a. The police aren't looking for it. Yeah. They're too busy looking like for men holding hands. Yeah. That's so funny, man. It's just like someone's swerving by.

Like get out of the way. There's two guys kissing over there. No, he's like. He's like's like no he pulls the guy over and they're like the guy he's like what why why did that passenger bend down it's all right officer he wasn't sucking my cock he was he was picking up my flask absolutely fine gentlemen you just keep moving on then i've been stopped once and i was doing like 38 in the 30 and he went, what were you doing there, mate? And I was like, I was speeding.

I was like, yeah. He was like, you've got anywhere to go? I was like, nope, just going home. You're not in a rush? I was like, nope. I was just being a dick. He went, you've got a nice car,

haven't you? I went, yeah. And he went, oh, okay. Let's don't do it again. Just because I was honest. He was like, cool. I got stopped on edge lane. So I like caught the light

but like didn't I went through like the red like a second after it had changed and he put his lights on come over and stopped me

in the middle of like the junction and was like what happened there and I went I went through the red didn't I and he went

yeah why are you doing that I was like because I want to get to where I'm going quicker and he went don't do that again do you understand me that's illegal and I went yeah I know yeah I was like, because I want to get to where I'm going quicker. And he went, don't do that again. Do you understand me? That's illegal.

And I went, yeah, no, yeah. I was just like, you know, I knew it would be safe. So I just,

sorry. And he was like, right, go on, on your way. I hate that. Also, I'm no expert,

but I reckon it's less dangerous to go through that red light, knowing that there's like four seconds before the other light goes green, than it is slamming on. Yeah. With the one behind you. I don't know. I couldn't have slammed on, mate. I was doing 60 miles an hour.

Dangerous. Whenever I've been pulled over, I've been pulled over quite a few times. Only because I got a fleet managed car from where my dad used to work. So when you run the plate, it comes up that I'm not insured on it even though i am because it's like a fleeker yeah so that's why they've changed it now but that's why i used to

get pulled over but i got pulled over for speeding once and it wasn't much and i just went look as soon as you open the window i was like he goes why have i put i said look i might have been going a bit fast but you need to know i was driving properly i was fully in control and i wasn't on my phone. Before you... What did he say? He said, well, you swerved a little bit. And I went, yeah, I sneezed. Which I did.

Yeah, because you close your eyes to sneeze. Exactly. Like people talk about like how driving on your phone is dangerous, but we need to have a chat about hay fever at the wheel. Like fucking hay fever at the wheel might be the most dangerous thing. And you can't control it. Didn't you get stopped because you were going the perfect speed to be chased?

Was it you who told me that? Was this you? I'm sure you told me this when we lived together. So you were doing something like 85 and the fella Paul Jim was like, if you were doing 90, I wouldn't have caught you. Cause I'd have been like, he's too quick. He's going to get away from me.

So, and if you're doing 80, it's like you haven't done enough for him to waste his time. You go on the optimum speed. I can't remember. That's amazing. That's so British to me. He was like, oh, that's too much effort. Just let it, I'm not going after that.

Also though, he would have caught me. Like they've got like super cars in it. I was in like a little Aussie. He'd have well caught me. Also I had to slow down. You have told me that't say that was him yeah i'm pretty sure maybe it was he was like yeah if or maybe you said like someone stopped you and was like i only chase people if they're doing like 85 you know what if i could like you

ever think like if you could just do like have live your life and be able to do something and be like all right reset that didn't happen i would totally cause a police chase wouldn't that be wicked like you're never gonna get to feel I would totally cause a police chase. Wouldn't that be wicked? Like, you're never going to get to feel that. Oh, it would be class getting chased. Wouldn't that be fun if you could just do one thing? No, if you're getting away with it. No, like, if you could just be like,

all right, this doesn't count, and then you can go back to your life. Like, you get to try one thing, I'd be like, oh, wicked. I would just... It's like buy a city and sell it to stag doos. Yeah. Buy, like, a really run-down city and be like right this

fella's gonna chase you chernobyl what chernobyl's going you know what there was a that was a good example in the difference of our income right there that you that you adam just went well why don't you just buy a city and i'm like oh yeah i guess you could do that. Have we got any others? Yes, we've got a few Rumo 102s. This one's from Dave Stock. Brioche buns. That's what the policeman said when he's speeding. Brioche buns. I'm eating a burger and if I wanted a cake,

I'd have a fucking cake. It's a savory dish and it was delicious before you food nonces started pissing around with it. Brioche buns need going in the bin. But we know why though. We know why we're there. Right? Nope.

So the high sugar content means they don't go off as quick. Right. That's why. That's the cake, innit? That's the reason. They last longer than normal bread. So restaurants will obviously

just buy brioche buns. The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing us that brioche buns are actually nice. So restaurants don't have to buy more bread. It's big bread. Just buy the right amount of bread. You know how many burgers you normally sell.

Just buy that. And yeah, you can't beat a little normal seeded bun. A burger bun? Yeah, you just can't. So much better. And they're everywhere as well. It's not just restaurants. Like the fucking bun aisle in Tesco

is like brioche everywhere. And there's just like one gluten-free seedy one on the corner it's like i don't want that but yeah she's had a good decade yeah bollocks so it's in and they and they say it like on menus like it's a positive like you know lovely brioche bun fuck off there's brioche hot dog rolls now oh bollocks man come on i love a bit of brioche i just wanted to experience the level of hatred that this one's from kieran throw into room one or two the fact that flies bees and wasps can fly directly into any window but don't know how to fly back out does everyone's head in just turn around what that one that bit that end bit doesn't make sense But flies that come in and don't know the way back out. Flies?

Flies in Room 101. Yeah, I'm up for putting flies in Room 102. I don't think any of us are big fans of flies. Go on, flies. By the way, they got name just because they can fly, and that's the sickest thing ever. No other animal got runs. Ooh.

Like gazelles. What? I know, I agree. Now I'm just trying to think of another example yeah bees can't fly can they like technically no they shouldn't be able to for the size yeah like they they break the laws of physics because they got bunda yeah but flies would name because of what i think it's sick there must be there must be something else that must have been they must have been like the first animal to fly discovered yeah you know what i mean oh flies here's a question that's probably been asked and answered like the orange the humble orange the fruit which way is that named because it's orange so it's named after the tree right so the the question is always is it the fruit or the

color it's neither it's neither the tree qi bell was called the orange tree always, is it the fruit or the color? It's neither. It's neither. The tree was called the orange tree. And then that was the fruit of the orange tree. And then they called orange the color because of that. Right. So orange, the color is named after the fruit. Yes. But the fruit is not named after anything. It was named the orange tree first.

Well, obviously the tree came first because it was like an orange. You see that, mate? That was an example of some good research there you see what i'm saying you know what i mean oh no good facts relevant honestly i looked at that page i was like this is like this is like all my failures man this guy like opposite uh last one and then we'll do uh have a word to round us out this is from abby room 102 people who put official or shit like that in their social media handles when they're just normal people

but all normal people dude the blue like official what do you mean is it like no one's really surely just like official it is moist i've seen it well i it's like the blue tick thing like that's just jumped the shark completely right because like people will follow me after shows and they'll be like happy mom loving wife loving wife, blue tick. I'm like, I don't know. That's on Twitter though, isn't it? Because you can buy it now. But you can do it on.

You can, you can buy it on Instagram. Can you buy it on Instagram now? Yeah, you can buy it on Instagram as well. It doesn't make any sense though. It's if you're a business, I suppose it's useful. I guess. But like as a person, yep. And also someone will say

that they haven't bought the blue tick. They've bought the service that you get a blue tick with. And also someone will say that they haven't bought the Bluetick. They've bought the service that you get a Bluetick with. So you can upload more. We avoided as the company, the Bluetick on Twitter for ages because it looks stinky. But then like the upload longer videos

and HD videos, it just, we need. Editing tweets. Yeah, we need that. So we pay for it. Otherwise we wouldn't. Yeah. But we don't display the Bluetick.

We do. Oh, do we? You have to. What's the official though? What they don't like? Just official. I've seen some people you're saying like people who like work in tesco be like official tom jones the official tracy jenkins yeah yeah right like you can't be doing that if you just uh no if you're just tracy jenkins if you're just a... No. If you're just Tracy Jenkins. If you're just Tracy Jenkins, like... Right, okay, we've got a couple of have-a-words to round this off.

This is a brief one. This is from Luke. Now then, lads, have a word with my mate. He wears jeans to walk his dog. TurboGoth behavior. Swear what you want. What? He wears jeans to walk his dog.

That's fine. I think he's gone off the route of you not liking jeans on airplanes. Yeah, that's mental illness to wear jeans on a flight because you need

to be comfortable. I've done it. Dan wore jeans. Dan Nightingale wore jeans to fly to Nashville. Yeah, I wouldn't that far

but I've like, if I went, I've been to Amsterdam in jeans. Yeah, because you're on the plane for an hour and you want to be there

and already dressed like flying to Nashville in fucking jeans. Sat in business in jeans yeah because you're on the plane for an hour and you want to be there and already dressed like flying to nashville in fucking jeans sat in business in jeans oh my god i don't like that i don't like people when they wear jeans but i also don't like when people are in kind of like what's supposed to be you know tracksuit work but it's like so nice you know what i mean you're making the rest of us feel bad you know what i mean too you did that, they're like athleisure is just too glamorous. I like that. That's what I want to look like. I'm all for just wear what you want.

Like what annoys me. You've got to wear jeans on a flight. No, I'm talking about, this is fine. It's just outside. People, no one like, do you know people think it's weird? Someone like,

someone came around to ours and I was in jeans and they were like, that's mad. Why have you got jeans on in your house? Did you know? Have you had you been out? I don't know.

You don't put jeans on to stay in. You don't wake up. You don't wake up and put jeans on. They were insinuating that as soon as I got in jeans off. No, no, no. You can keep your stuff on.

Yeah. But you're not getting ready in the morning to stay in and watch the fucking sliding into me. Jeans. not getting ready in the morning to stay in and watch the fucking weakest link in your jeans. No, I'm not fucking sliding into my jeans like Wallace and Gromit to sit around the house. That's fucking mental. The only guys who walk around their house in jeans are like 80s action heroes. There's always that scene. Lou Ferrigno.

Sure, yeah. I'd go to so far as to say. Lou Ferrigno. What, that's a perfect example? I've been in my house in jeans more than I haven't. What? Clothes-wise. You sleep in your undies?

No, like clothes-wise. Oh, that's insane. Like shorts, trackies, trousers, well less represented in my house than jeans. Can we all just say trousers in the house is mental? No, but I mean like a Chino. What are trousers?

Has Russell got trousers on? Yeah. You know that's what it is. It's a Chino. It's a Chino, yeah. What are you getting at there? I'm asking what trousers are. This is a trouser.

I've got a trouser on. Trousers to me are like soup pants. Oh, yeah, but where is the soup pants in the house? Is this not a trouser then? Well, Steve's got trousers on. No, they're just kegs. Okay. Well, what do, but what is this? Is this not a trouser then? Well, Steve's got trousers on. No, they're just keks.

Okay. Well, what do you got? You got chinos. Finn's got trousers with a capital T on. These are chinos. Stand up and jump

on your trousers. These trousers? Yeah, they're trousers, isn't he, them look. You've got an air of trousers.

No, trousers, that's insane because like, what are those like, you're saying like dress pants? Yeah. Oh, that's like a serial killer. Yeah, trousers. That's insane. Because like, are those like, you're saying like dress pants? Yeah. Oh, that's like a serial killer.

Yeah. If I came to yours and you had to go with trousers and I could wear a UB and you were like, nowhere. I've been the tip.

With trousers on. In the house, I'm naked. Honestly, if you came, I'm just going to get trousers and then like a collared shirt tucked in, I'd be like, oh, am I, did you want to get back to watching

your child pornography? Or should I? Get back. I'll be like the serial killer. Yeah. Yeah, this fella's, the one who's written in is a tit. He's got it, he's listened to us

and got it wrong. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's trying to be our mate there. He's wore jeans to the pub. What a fucking lunatic, lads, eh? No, just going outside. Hi. Right.

Last one is from Harris. Wag wag lids, love the pod. Fucking hell. Good acting. Pod. Could you please have a word with my ex for using me? Long story short, my ex is a woman's footballer. We were friends before we dated,

and she was the one that wanted me first, as she added me on socials and was showing me lots of attention. We became official about a month later and did the usual boyfriend and girlfriend type dates, such as mini golf, and we met each other's parents. The reason I feel like I was used was because we started dating, she had a torn MCL, and then on the day she went back to football for rehab

for her knee during pre-season, she broke up with me over text. I feel she used me and was only with me because she was injured from football. Have a word. I mean... She has used you and it's awful. Has she though? Maybe she just got bored of him the same time her knee healed.

Coincidence. Yeah. Over text though. That's not what the issue is. I'm telling you right now, I will die on this hill. Breaking up with someone over text is the best for everybody if you're gonna break up with someone like the mature like societal things do is to meet up with me like look i'm not it's not working out why are we all doing that then we've got to cry in front of each other i think that's how ghosting got started because

like i remember so it's like, ghosting is so bad. I'm like, yeah, but you know what? I remember when you would craft a beautiful message. Yeah. And the reason we started, I think people started ghosting is because you would send that and you would inevitably get something back that would be like, you know, I don't even care about you anyway. Like you lose it.

And you'd be like, oh, what's the point? Why did I even, you know, I sent this beautiful message. Text breakup is that we need to remove the stigma of it because people are scared to do it. It's class. It because people are scared to do it. It's class. It gives them the space to do it. You don't have to speak. Yeah, but even out, like, no matter.

I don't pass. He's got something to say about it. Yeah, but like even, but there's got to be a, if you've been together a certain amount of time, you can't do text. You're saying like a seven year long-term relationship. I think if you broke up with Celica, the best way to do it

would be over text messages 14 years engaged with a mortgage just text her be arsed text where is she she should be in the house

yeah exactly from upstairs you better be gone by the time I put my jeans on no I think like yeah like six months you've lost the text phase

probably yeah sure this is yeah you're right but that's because of this bullshit stigma that needs removing it's the best way to do it i've never done it but it's because of society's pressure on me what if you what if you really like the girl like really like the girl and she texts you and it's not working you'd be like okay you'll be like what i'd rather that than her come and do it in front of me so i have to cry and like beg her to fucking don't go just don't do that i'd rather be pathetic on my own just don't do that though

wouldn't you would you want to deal with that i'd rather them show me the respect yeah this is what i'm saying this one i go ah we're done and then you carry on watching the fucking i don't know teletubbies what about a? What happened in this episode of the Teletubbies? I told you, man. Guys who wear trousers around the house. Dude, guy comes up to your door, trousers, he's got Teletubbies on in the background. I'm calling the police.

And watching Teletubbies. What if it's a written letter? No, that'd scare the life out of me. No, but like, you could say that she's respected you enough to actually put some effort in. Nice stationery. More than than a text but if someone broke up with me over a letter i'd be so scared do it from the past like a time traveler no because i'd get to the end yeah just see it it just says we we're not together yet but when we are it's over if you're gonna break up with

me text me and i'll sort myself out don't worry about it yeah i was arguing with this it was a mate and we were just arguing over instagram about like it was comedy stuff and i sent my message and then he was typing and i just put whatever that is don't fucking send it because i'm not gonna read it and then that was it you know when it then the typing just disappeared i did it on the Xbox as someone who was arguing I beat a game of FIFA when they message I go by the way

I'm blocking you so you can't reply I've been arguing with people in the past like X's and stuff and like they're typing and they're not

and I'll just text something like hey fucking spit it out stop being a shit house and just say whatever you want to say what a lovely guy

if I'm arguing it's fucking nuclear war about phone call is that a better way of doing it no no text me i'll be sound really yeah that's mad it's not i'm right a year you've all been hoodwinked by society you live with them a year yeah like a year you've been together a year and she just goes on text you one day you're cool with that i'd appreciate a bit of an explanation so just like hey look this is i'm not feeling anymore i think we should break up here's why soz about me i'd be like i get it nice one for doing it no you'd go ashley she said soz about her i knew it was her i knew it was nothing to do with me yeah class no buy me a skedan what like take me out for food and you pay

and at least I can you know have something nice like you're putting a dog down break up with you over dinner in a restaurant

yeah in a public place why not I'm not gonna cry but like I'd rather you wouldn't cry if Seneca broke up with you

yes I would that's 14 years with this guy this lizard yeah football I think she's just it's sad i think she did you no favor like she's done it so that you don't have to be pathetic and

and well by the way that didn't go the way when he said oh she's used me i thought and then he said oh she's a women's football i thought it was going to be well more sexist but big up to him I thought he was going to be like and she made me explain the offside and then left me like I thought he was going to

get into his bag there but he didn't I thought it was a penecha that's all she wanted that's a podcast Russell have you got anything I know you're going on tour

you've got a Liverpool tour do you want to tell everyone where they can find tour tickets and stuff? Yep. If you go to my website and November 20th is going to be Hot Water Comedy Club in Liverpool. RussellHicks.com?

Russell Hicks. Yeah, it's.co.uk actually. Yeah. Official RussellHicks.co.uk. Anything you want to plug, Daniel? Yeah, I'm doing a little tour show as well in Hot Water on the 4th of September, which is like soon, isn't it?

So there's a few tickets left. Just go on Hot Water's website if you're asked. I'd love to see you there, though, all of you. The worst self-promotion in the world, if you're asked. Yeah, but I'm going to beg, like, just if you're not coming, just text me. Don't meet me face to face and explain why you're not coming. I don't want to cry to face and explain why you're not coming i don't want about i don't want to cry

in in nando's finn you're gonna do your little singing soon aren't you i am it's not a little singing it's big singing i'm doing big boy singing with your guitar and all of your friends finn's got a gig i'm doing i'm doing a gig. 26th of October. Saturday the 26th of October. Jack around the Baltic in Liverpool. Tickets are in the bio or on my socials. This week's band. You're going to like this one.

The song is called Falling Off Your Tongue and it's by a band called Fat Salad. We are Fat Salad. This is our debut song, Falling Off Your Tongue. It's a banger. Is it?

What kind of music is it? It sounds shite, doesn't it? It's proper indie. Me and Potatoes indie. It's good. It's good. See you next week. Bye. I spent a year in this hoarding

I'm giving out advice that I refuse to take My eyes, my eyes, colorless and gray And all my friends falling in love again Yeah, you gotta drive, drive, drive, drive away Your life, life, life, life awaits Run, run, run till my knees break I'm falling off the words you say I remember cigarettes in your car I'd drive around but never seem to go far

When I took for granted your love for all but a price Once I caught your smile but not your laugh Yeah, you gotta drive, drive, drive, drive away Your life, life, life, life awaits Run, run, run till my knees break Bye. You gotta drive, drive, drive, drive away Life, life, life, life away Run, run, run till my knees break I'm falling off You gotta drive, drive, drive, drive away Bye. Yeah, yeah, yeah What you say Yeah, yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah