Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #292 with Stef Dag - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: September 1, 2024

Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan Nightingale & Fiends Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.ukComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comFinn's Liverpool Gig: skiddle.com/e/39298815As Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Support our cycle across India for Zoe's Place:https://cycle4zoes.enthuse.com/pf/finnlay-kulavuzGet subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsCheck out Finn's music: https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Tickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening lads, before we start this week's episode of the Have A Word Podcast, do us a favour and make sure you're following us on all social media. We are at Have A Word Pod on Twitter, Instagram and TikTok. And on top of that, don't forget to go and subscribe to the Patreon page. Patreon.com slash Have A Word Pod. Early access to these episodes, an extra episode just for you lot every single week on Patreon. And don't forget those monthly specials of which there are 40 plus now. They're basically a movie every single month.

Patreon.com slash have a word pod. Enjoy the episode. It's a belter. Wag wag lids. You're listening to the funniest podcast in the game. From the heart of Liverpool. With Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only Have A Word.

Brought to you by Manscaped. The very best products on the market for below the waist grooming. Go, Ed. Get on me. Yeah. Oh, I thought I was going to burp. Oh, you're not well, are you, baby? Something's not right. Oh, no.

Something's not right. But you switched your game up. I'm achy. I'm really achy. Have you been in the gym or anything? I've been at the gym. Friday and Saturday, I really pushed my little fat white ass.

But it shouldn't still be achy now. What's going on? It feels a bit COVID-y. Oh, great. I'm glad you came in. Imagine if I hadn't. You feel a bit out of it. I would have been called a word.

If I messaged and went, I think I feel a bit COVID-y, I'm not coming in today. Yeah, you would have been called so many words. Yeah, I'd have been called loads of words. I get locked in prison in Australia. I don't know what that, because I, like. Oh, yeah. If I get COVID in Australia and I get locked in prison over there, I have to stay in Australia for six months. I know somebody who's quarantined in Australia. I don't know what they're, because I, like, Oh yeah? If I get COVID in Australia and I get locked in prison over there,

I'm going to have to stay in Australia for six months. I know somebody who's quarantined in Australia right now. Is that how it works? Yeah. It's a six month sentence. Something like that.

You go to prison. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't even play tennis. I know someone who's doing that right now. What? Quarantining in Australia.

No, it's not a thing anymore. It's on his Instagram, it is. Well, then he's being a gimp. You don't have to tell anyone you've got COVID anymore

anywhere in the world no way you never can you imagine being the type of person who tests whether they've got COVID now oh I just want to see if I should go outside people still do it

I never test a positive which makes me a bit upset why? because I never got the like ah fucking what is FOMO innit

I was always negative even though I'm deaf FOMO on feeling shit for 10 days no because I was always negative even though I'm feeling shit for 10 days no because I still felt sick sometimes and I definitely it's just full testing that one but I never got like to stay home what was fun was uh having to do gigs for John Bishop and having to take a brand new test result you couldn't like you couldn't gig with Manfred or Bishop in that period after COVID without, and you had to go. Mine was like a drive-through. It honestly felt like a drive-through death camp.

It was in, like, Connors Quay. You drove into this wasteland, and they've just got, like, rows and rows, and then you go in, and they, like, reach a thing in, and you've got a fucking... Welcome to the death camp, love. How do you want to die? Okay, that's lane four. What do you want to die? Okay that's

that's lane four Swap up the names We'll have two bullets in the back of the head in the back of the car the JFK special please and they want to be gassed

in the front I'll just be bummed It was grim just to go and fucking You weren't bummed today Does she work there? Oh right I'll do that love

Drive through death camp so here's the picture of this, right? It's like a Mackey's drive-thru. Oh, she's driving? No, no, no. So the first voice... That's not how that works.

The girl's voice. Is the work in there. But she said, I'll just get bummed. No, no, no, no, no. So the first person was like, welcome to the drive-thru death camp. What can I get you? So she is like, how do you want to die?

Right. And then the next bit, I was playing the driver and they were ordering for everyone in the car like you would in a Mackey's. You think bum to death is a death camp option? I mean, maybe. I've never been to a drive-through death camp

and neither have you. That's not right. Drive through. I'll get bum to death, please. Thank you. Sorry, love. The bummer machine's off at the minute. Oh, it's a machine.

The bummer machine's getting clean. I thought it was a guy called Jeff who just really randy I always think that way like you just gotta be you just gotta be very careful like being like

cunts to like waiters and stuff because they will they will wank in your food and you're like spitting your food they'll be jizzing your food you're like

no they won't never been to prison have you no one's gonna jizz who's so annoyed that I've complained about like the lasagna that they're gonna wank in so annoyed that I've complained about the lasagna that they're going to wank in the kitchen? No, complaining about the lasagna

and being a cunt to the waiter. If you're a cunt to a waiter, they will fuck with your food. Yeah, I'll poo in your food. They're not wanking in it, though. No. I don't think anyone's actually ever said that to you, though. I think you've hyperbolised it.

He's going to wank in your food, then. He'll jizz in your food. They'll spit in it. Love spit. They might finger their own arse on them, rub it on your sausages. He'll chis in your food. There's spit in it. Love spit. You might finger their own arse on them rubbered on your sausages. Yeah, I wouldn't do spit. Get away with spit, spit, whatever.

Arsehole stuff's the worst. Or gooch play. Like, have I rubbed your beef bourguignon on my gooch? Beef bourguignon? Yeah, Dan loves beef bourguignon as well. I don't even know what it is. Beef with sauce. Oh, is it's just beef with sauce

oh is it there you go now you know but yeah people will fuck with your food if you're rude to them and with your drinks if you're a cunt to a bartender

they'll just underpour you all night so you're paying for like doubles and you're getting like less than a single fuck yeah it's never gonna be a problem of mine

I'm pretty nice to a lot of people, you know? It's like consistent. I just, you know, there is a limit of what people are going to do in it. I know customers can be cunts. I've never been rude to like a service member staff and then afterwards being like, oh, I was a bit much there.

Yeah, maybe. Oh? Maybe you've been a bit short or whatever, you know? But genuinely, like I'm fairly consistent. You have to be 5 foot 11 to eat at this restaurant. Well, I am. Got me fucking boots on. Midget discount.

Oh, dear. Don't be rude to hospitality staff. It's like top of most people's lists on dates, isn't it? It's a bit of a kick, isn't it? Like how you treat people who are serving you is a big sign of how you are in life just just be nice they don't want to be there so just make sure your interaction with them is nice be nice to most humans try being nice to humans but i'm saying if there's

someone like cleaning your table away help them all like say thank you don't be like yeah yeah but just cunts don't like their lives and then they're like do you know what i am the customer and all of a sudden i'm more important than this person you're like fuck off totally but fuck off so i look i'm overly friendly to service staff like a bar even if i'm leaving i'll take all my pinecone back put it on the bar for them like i go to bold street coffee i'll have my breakfast i always take it to the thing so that i don't leave a messy table i don't always do that like if it's a busy place or doesn't i don't know exactly where to put it but like if i know what i'm doing i'll take stuff back and like when i'm gigging if i'm competent i'll always say to the audience like take your glasses back to the bar and you say please and

you say thank you totally yeah and i've had problems on dates and in past relationships where my partner or the person i'm dating with has been rude to service member staff and it's caused a problem however however what i will say is because this is a very common general consensus now that you should be really nice to service staff and if you're rude to them in any way it is seen as like you know you get ostracized by society i think a lot of people who work in service and work in shops and stuff now know this and they are cunts sometimes they're cunts on purpose because they know you don't want to go fuck you actually because then they get to go you're being rude to me and i'm making you a latte but you're allowed to stand up for yourself and expect standards. And you can be firm and complain without being a cunt, can't you?

Totally. Yeah. Like the customer used to always be right. The customer is never right now. What a load of shit that was. What a terrible way to go about it. The customer's always right. You're like, oh my God.

What if they come in and say... Well, actually, that's an incomplete phrase, isn't it? Is there a comma there? So it's the customer is always right. You're like, oh my God. What if they come in and say... Well, actually, that's an incomplete phrase, isn't it? Is there a comma there? So it's, the customer is always right. In fact, they're not actually. Like,

I don't know... The customer's always right. Ignore what I've just said. I'm talking shite. Why did they call me that? The customer's always right, but they're not. I'm not...

Google it. The full phrase is, right or wrong, the customer is always right. Yeah. Well, that's wrong, isn't it? What do you mean? I get it.

It's that, like, in retail... It's a way of training staff, isn't it? In retail, it's like, whatever they say, they're a customer and we've got to make a sale. Like, no, that's dehumanising they're not

they're a guest they are a person they're just a person and they can be wrong a very common thing in hospitality now we got told not to call people

in our restaurant customers they were guests right but they're paying to be there they are yeah but it's just I know but you wouldn't say

a guest is come to ours don't worry keep your money no make the bed for you chocolate on your pillow it doesn't matter

what you call them it doesn't matter what you call them though that idea that because they're paying they're like a superhuman for that hour and a half is a load of shit

the reason we say guest was like say I was saying to you I'd be like oh that guest over there needs blah blah blah it just sounds better than me saying that customer over there needs

it just makes them feel a bit more valued there's loads of phrases like that that are like, have been like reduced and they actually end up meaning like the opposite of what,

like jack of all trades, master of none is meant to be a compliment. And it's seen as like an insult, isn't it? Oh, he's a bit of a jack of all trades. So it's jack of all trades, master of none

is better than being a master of one. Like Google that one. Like that, that's an incomplete phrase. It's meant to be like, he can do a bit of everything. Like he's that one. Like, that's an incomplete phrase. It's meant to be like, he can do a bit of everything. Like, he's worth having. He's not amazing at everything.

James Milner. A jack of all trades is a master of none, but oftentimes better than a master of one. There you go. It's been flipped. Shakespeare. My favourite saying is, and I taught someone this today,

Ho-Yi, is it now? Yeah. Ho-Yi. Because she was like, oh, i'm dead scared i've got quite an inferiority complex like when she meets like people she sees like as famous and your favorite saying is show up you stupid bitch did that help i said everyone wipes their ass right that's what i say everyone wipes their ass the problem with Carl, is you don't. I know. Like, Beyonce has to fucking wipe her arsehole, mate.

I don't think she does. She's got a Japanese toilet. Okay, then, but they all got dirty arses. I thought you were going to say a Japanese person wiping her arsehole. Everybody shits. Yeah, everyone's got a shitty arse at some point in the day. Apart from people with colostomy bags.

Yeah. I think your theory doesn't quite work, Carl. Why? Because not everyone does wipe their arse. No, but you know what I mean? It humanises everybody. Not everyone has to do some dirty shit throughout the day and wipe their bums and have pooey bums.

Yeah, but the rest of the day, they're like, you know, billionaires. Yeah, but they still have pooey bums. Ah, right. Billionaires shit themselves. All I mean is it humanises them. They're just people. I've got a bit of an inferiority... Well, Jeff Bezos shits himself.

So, have a great day. You feel better now? Nice one. No, but everyone's got the same human functions. Everyone's got the same body. Everyone does the same stuff. Like, at the basic level. Everyone has got the same body.

I shit a lot more than... I wipe my ass more than anyone else. Nearly as much as Jeff Bezos. Well, then, you're obviously lovely to speak to. He shits himself loads. He's covered in shit. He shits himself. But he's taking his glasses back. That's nice, isn't it? Itits himself loads he's covered in shit he shits himself but he's taking his glasses back

that's nice it's like the covered in shit it's like the imagine him naked thing that people do when they do some kind of public I know what I know the

I've never understood that one just picture everyone naked like that would make me any less nervous I've been more oh everyone's got their dick out I've never got that one I haven't either and don't do it if you're a primary school teacher.

Do you know the odds about this? God. No. I'd say even senior school teachers are hanging out of order, actually. Yeah. Anybody in position of power? Lecturers as well?

Yeah. No, not anyone in position of power. What? With their subordinates, yeah? No, it's it's only imagining it's not real so you think it'd be okay

like the prime minister's thinking look at her tits yeah it's more that's more okay than imagining yeah eight year olds naked innit

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah people's tits at the Labour Party convention. Good one. It's better. That's like Jack of all trades. Everyone knows the end of that saying. It's actually a good saying.

I don't get it. I don't understand why that's meant to be. Would that help you? No. Because I'd be like, yeah, tits are out. Look at his dick. I'd be so distracted.

Yeah, if one person had their dick out at one of my gigs, I'd be thinking i'm nothing else but his dick for the entire time it's a fact isn't it well imagine if you could actually picture it in your mind properly how creative your mind would be to look at a crowd of 200 people and be able to imagine all of them like naked did you read doesn't work like that do you know why i walked into my flat last week right and uh That must have hurt. Me, one of me flatmates was watching

like a manga cartoon thing. And in it, the woman, like one of the women fucked one of the men. Like it's like an adult manga cartoon. Hentai.

And even, no, not porn. Oh, it was just like a sexy one. It was an action show. All right. Like it had a sex scene in it. Sexy action.

And even though it was a cartoon, she had tiny tits. And I just think like, if you're going to draw that, you'd just give her a pair of fucking wallopers, wouldn't you? Like with some men like little boobies. What? What? Ask your question. It's a character character isn't it

so they've created the character yeah but if you know at the start right she's gonna get shagged at some point you give her a pair of bastards

that's like saying don't ever hire an actress with small tits because there's actresses out there with big tits first of all this is ridiculous why are you in a film

with small tits when there's other women with big tits you should be in the film okay first of all, bad argument, because I agree with that anyway. But let's say I didn't agree with that.

You can't just force an actress to get a boob job every time she gets a job. No, you just get another actress. That's the same as drawing bigger boobs. No, it's not. No, it's not. I could draw big tits. I couldn't hide a big-titted actress,

or actor, as we'd say, going forward. No, you... Like, if you're drawing a cartoon that you know is getting her tits out give her a pair of bastards and make everyone's day and if you're casting a film yeah and there's a an actress getting her boobs out no because always have the big same no no because when it comes to casting an actress the the tiny titted actress might be a better actress than the one with the wallopers, but in the cartoon, just give a big... It's the same voiceover.

It's all just facts here, mate. Facts with bro. There's acting ability, isn't there, when it comes to the other one? But when it comes to the cartoon, give a big tit, tiny pink pussy, beautiful arsehole, shaved. What?

You know what I mean? Where's your flatmate wanking? Tiny pink pussy. Like really tight. Is that number two for you? Yeah. Finn's fin. You know what I mean what's your flatmate wanking a tiny pink pussy like really tight is that number two for you yeah you know what I mean though is that number two for you what

tits and a tiny pink pussy nice arse that's good arse perfect arsehole like a perfect starfish what have we become

some people what do you mean become some some men not me included I like a bigger boobie What have we become? Some people What do you mean become? Some men Not me included I like a bigger boobie Some men like little boobies Yeah Gay men

They're like women with little boobs They prefer them They're called men Yeah Gay men like men Stand by that Finn are you a big on a little boobie man? It doesn't matter, doesn't it?

It's boob to boob. That's just not true. I'd say... Would you rather have my tits in your mouth or Sidney Sweeney's? Hi, hi. I started talking. I don't mind as long as they're both the same size.

Is that fair? Like, I will literally roll with most boobs. I'll both do. As long as they're the same size. I totally disagree. I'd rather have one of each depending on what mood I'm in

you know small left big right I mean most girls have got a bigger boobie no I mean like to have any common

chat in women's like what's up group star like which one's your best hit hang on there's the slight difference

which of Laura's is your favourite it's lefty yeah I'm left wing I love Laura's is your favourite? It's lefty. Yeah, I'm left wing. I love Laura's lefty. But I mean, I'm talking like very noticeable. Yeah, I'd love like a C cup and a double D.

C cup's still class, isn't it? Then double D's like, do you know what? I'm on a hangover. Give me the bigger one. I'm on them. I think it'd be discombobulated. What? I think it'd be discombobulated. I? I think it'd be discombobulating.

I just think, you know, variety is the spice of life, as I always say. Have you got a bigger bollock? Go on, the hang's a bit lower. Is it bigger? I've never laid. Mine's bigger.

And is that why it hangs lower? Gravity? How often are you checking for the old lumps in your balls? Because you meant to. Every time I get a shower. What? But then I always scare myself

because you feel that bit of gristle. I stopped doing this when I was about nine because I found a lump. You stopped checking for cancer when you were nine. But we got told in school when we were young, like, you know, while you wank and have a little theory about it. What are you doing in there, Adam? I'm trying to save a life, Mum! Wanking? Whatever.

In the shower? No. I wasn't, like, feeling me balls in the shower. I was trying to save a life, man. I'm wanking. Whatever. In the shower? No. I wasn't, like, feeling me balls in the shower. I was just checking when I was, you know, alone and bored. When they're warm and droopy. Yeah.

I thought I had a lump on me box. I made me dad book me an appointment to the doctor's and I went and the doctor had a little feeling. He was like, it's just your cum pipe.

I've had an enlarged cum pipe since I was nine. Yeah. A bit Lance Armstrong. Yeah. of feeling it was like it's just your cum pipe i've had an enlarged cum pipe since i was nine yeah it lambs yeah did he use the phrase cum pipe yeah you would do with a child you would you'd use the phrase cum pipe with a nine-year-old oh i don't know you come back with a nine-year-old yeah because they don't know nhs is on his fucking ass never mind a doctor i don't think he did i've since you know at one point i thought i had a sexually transmitted disease and i didn't i had an inflamed cum pipe and when i was an adult and i went and got that checked they said you've inflamed your cum pipe once again like verbatim that's what no that is for me use it with an adult i remember

you telling us that when you yeah it happened they said you've inflamed your cump pipe this must have started when you were nine it was because i had like an all-night fuck session and come too much lovely when you come by was doing too much work yeah it's just a matter of time before you just jot some of this down and we sell a book of poetry. My cult pipe is inflamed fucking all night. That's the end of that one. Adam? Yeah, it happens, you know,

especially if you're shagging. You're checking the balls every day. Would you wash your bollocks every day? What? Do you wash your testicles every day? Please say yes. Likeocks every day? What? Do you wash your testicles every day? Please say yes. Like, like,

like, I'm, it doesn't, it doesn't take, it's not like I'm rummaging round. Like they're not, it's just a small little bollock purse. Like it's not, it doesn't take ages.

Like I don't, you get in there and you get like, you're, you're, yeah, it's pretty quick though, isn't it? Can I ask you a question?

If you don't mind, and you could stand up for it if you, if you'd be feeling really generous. Yeah. Could you take me through your shower routine? Oh, this is a good one, this. We've spoken this before. The order of like,

the shower's on. Yeah. So like, take me through. Like if you're getting a proper shower, not just like a quick one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like your actual shower for the day. Yeah.

Like, because I can tell you mine, like in order, perfectly. Well, I've got a hack at the start to lather up what's that you use your pubethatch I don't know if anyone else does this

what do you mean what is that where you put the shower gel and then you sort of generate it from there oh that makes that's like your HQ that is wild

but it works because sometimes on the skin it'll just like fuck off you need a bit of friction it just sort of make sense, yeah. Honestly, it works.

So here's what I do. I get in the shower. Immediately wash my hair. First thing I do, shampoo, wash my hair. Yeah? And then I rinse that off. Do you know what I mean? Nope.

Do you know what I mean? Nope. You know that? Takes a couple of minutes. Yeah? Rinse that off. Then I put my conditioner in my hair. Leave that in while I wash the rest of me

yeah smart that's got to be in for a few minutes two minutes I remember the night here's my logic right

I get me I only use Dove shower gel right so I so you're still on the Dove sensitive skin sensitive skin

Dove Dove's just it would literally help all of your eczema if you just used Dove instead of like zero pH what do you think

you think I'm using non use Link's Africa Link's from the 90s Link's chocolate in the morning

as if I don't use I use a 0% everything I'm like very careful about that but Dove is not as sensitive like

Dove's not the one it's not 0% I thought that was like a pH of 0. Go on. Dove's great. Smells nice. No. Go on.

He's a Dovey boy as well. So I get quite a lot of Dove on my hands. Yeah. And here's the thing, right? I use my chest and my arms to get that all lathery, right? I leave me underarms for now. Yeah? So that's all lathery. That's there. Then I get more Dove, a second lot, right? I leave me underarms for now. Yeah? So that's all lathery that's there.

Then I get more dove, a second lot, right? And I rub that on me mon's pubis and use that to clean under me foreskin. And then I get... I'm saving so much time by not having things. I get a tiny little bit extra dove. A head?

A head? A tiny little bit extra dove. For your arsehole. Clean me gooch to me arsehole, right? Three litres of dove. Do you? A head. Tiny little bit extra dove. For your arsehole. Clean me gooch to me arsehole. Right? Three litres of dove. Do you go front to back? I go like

gooch and then up. I go round the back me. Right? Like I'm wiping my arse. And then finally the last thing I do is use the stuff

that's still lathered on here to do me armpits. And the reason I do me armpits last is I think that's the sweatiest bit of me and I don't want to get sweat under my bellend

oh yeah it's like women who wipe you know but you do wash your hands in between wiping your arse because you don't want to get shit on your on your armpits either

I'm not saying you put a shitty arse but by that logic but he's a billionaire I yeah I do I rinse my hands before I do this but yeah and then I get my conditioner out last

and that's done so I use my mum's 25 minutes this. But yeah. And then I get my conditioner out last. And that's done. So I use my mom's. 25 minutes. Don't friction me. And you'll notice there, ladies and gentlemen, didn't mention me legs once. Because I don't wash my legs. Because I'm a real white man.

So. Apparently that's a white thing. There's no way you wash your legs, Dan. What a waste of fucking time. I don't wash my legs. Yeah, but you have really smelly shins. That's the wrong way round, by the way. I've always got to wash one of them. I've washed my feet on't wash my feet yeah but you have really smelly shins that's the wrong way round by the way I've always got to

wash one of them I've washed my feet on special occasions but I don't want like your bathing yeah we're all washing our feet yeah just in the water

it's all just going down there like yeah no but you get in and like between your toes and scrub your feet because I do that maybe like once a month

do you do your ears? do you mean? do you clean inside your ears? not in the shower in the shower yeah because if you your ears get Do you mean? Do you clean inside your ears? Not in the shower. In the shower? Yeah, because your ears get dirty very easily. But you don't get water in them. You don't clean your ears with water.

That's fucking mental. Not in, but I mean like inside the actual ear. Oh, this? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Like down my ears. No, I do all of that when I'm doing me... When I'm just using my pen to get me...

No, I do it in the shower really you didn't brush your tongue until about two years ago yeah that was poor genuinely didn't even know that that was a thing people were really doing it's a myth just sort of hadn't picked it up to brush

I've just started using turmeric soap because it's good for psoriasis and that's picks it up I've just started using turmeric soap because it's good for psoriasis and that's the first change I've made for ages, been using 0% just shower gel for fannies basically

How do you use Femfresh? Laura's 0% Femfresh is quite good it doesn't annoy my skin but I basically I've got a similar routine it's just it's to clean your pussy

because it needs to stay balanced because if you knock the acidity off is that the creme fraiche that you put in like salads no don't put creme fraiche in your fanniness show

that's not advised you're not making a salad very similar sounding word what do you have on your nachos femme fresh I can't believe you've had a go at me for using dove it's such a fucking fair way I know it is because you don't have sensitive skin

I do no you don't have my level of sensitive skin no I don't have your no of course so that's what I'm saying you can use and you're like oh my god it's dead sensitive it stinks of soap the stuff I use doesn't stink of soap because it can't no it's just I. It stinks of soap. The stuff I use doesn't stink of soap. Skin tanner soap, do you?

Because it can't. No, it's just, I can't use, like, Dove. You can't use Dove? That is... No, I know. It's nothing, innit? He's a little baby, innit? A baby.

But yeah, not having to wash my hair saves a lot of time. I don't have to get in the foreskin. That is the drawback of having me hair as long as I've ever had it. There's no drawback with me. No foreskin. Do you clean having me hair as long as I've ever had it there's no drawback with me no foreskin do you clean your belly yeah I do

I know you do and Laura does under it as well yeah Laura cleans your belly no cleans his belly that's lovely it's nice

good to spend time together we're close aren't we you alright Laura yep where are you off Laura 11am round two Adams

clean his belly yeah so if you're at home when you're a boy and you're like 20, you're not washing yourself properly or wiping your arse properly, probably. A lot of men don't wipe their arse properly. Do you know, I think,

can I just say this about young lads? I don't think that washing their body is the problem. Clothes. I think they're dickheads with clothes and their room. I think they're sleeping in a fucking cesspit,

never changing the sheets i'm just going back to what i was like like if you are single and you're trying to get laid tidy up your fucking gaff a bit like clean the bathroom make sure you don't live in a fucking pit because when when lads are like oh god a bit of a stink on i don't think it's them i think they're washing i think that's quite instinct i think it's the fact they're putting on a T-shirt for the fourth time. Yeah. Or a jacket.

I'll tell you what smells worse than a T-shirt that's on for the fourth time is a T-shirt that was, like, left too long to dry. Oh, yeah. A hundred percent. Those clothes that, like, were, like, left in a bundle and then they were dried, that smell. Apparently not everyone can smell it, you know,

which is why some people wear clothes like that and they're just fucking milling about today. Oh, I can smell it. But if. Apparently not everyone can smell it, you know? Which is why some people wear clothes like that and they're just fucking milling about today. But if they come within a yard again, you're like, ah! It's disgusting.

But that's being a young lad and you're like, oh, I haven't fucking washed clothes. And then you put it in and you forget about it for three days and then get it out.

There's comics I know. That's me now. There's comics I know that stink sometimes because of their clothes. Yeah, I know them. There's female comics who. That's me now. There's comics I know that stink sometimes because of their clothes. Yeah, I know them. There's female comics who smell because of their clothes. It's not even just lads.

Yeah. There's some stinkers. No, but you generalise, you think women aren't as smelly. Musky. And it's because they've gone, oh, this is my stage jacket. This is what I wear on stage.

And then it's warm on stage and you're performing. There's a comic. That shit needs a walsh. I won't name him, but it's quite easy to figure out who it is. I know who it is. There's a comic who used to get someone up on stage as a volunteer, like for his act, right?

And he was like a jungler's headliner for a while. And as part of it, he would get someone up on stage and get them as part of it. And it involved them putting his jacket on right for his act and

he did hot water at the Holiday Inn and a woman like on stage burst out crying because his jacket smelled so bad I wouldn't even

just stop calling that'd stop me life he wasn't arsed though he was just like oh she's being ridiculous you should be arsed. I'll tell you who it was because you'll know him

and you just got to bleep her. Oh. I didn't know who that was. I thought it was the other one. No. Amazing. The one who made us all leave with the mixer.

Yeah. Yeah. Mickey Flanagan. Unbelievable. You're not beating the one who made me and Adam leave a nightclub. No, I stayed there

you left with someone else and I was like where have you gone and you were like he stinks gotta go and everyone's looking at us well we've told the story of the anonymous when Gary Delaney I think literally just spoke to the comic and went you need to

sort out your clothes they smell and this had been after years of the whole circuit being like what are we going to do this dude really smells and it's sort of like gary delaney just dealt with it and was the adult that none of us had been for like four years bleep this who was that no i don't hate bleeping it's so like little secrets that it's dead annoying for them it was you wasn't it then it was me it's yeah it's just a weird thing where you're like every time you work with someone you're like i i actually said to laura i'm thinking about sending an anonymous letter

with some fucking deodorant and just go hey i'm someone that works for you i can't handle stuff like no i know but it would be a fucking start. Cozy, hummed. Send him some fucking Ajax, mate. Fucking some Dove. It is the best available. It's the new home shirt for Ajax. Wear that. Go to Amsterdam, you smelly bastard.

It's the worst thing you can be, is a stink. Would you rather stink a BO all the time or have dog shit breath? Ooh. Like, I think dog shit breath oh like it like i think dog shit breath is the worst we do so i listen i think bo is is bad when someone has a bit of a pong on bad but like a really horrific fucking breath recently you're never oh my god my my dad's breath one morning when we were away together for the weekend

it's like he'd been like chewing dog shit in the night might have been oh my god it was the worst breath but I still kissed him

because he's my dad you know what I mean we're at the Italian Grand Prix he's chewing dog shit oh you're gonna ruin this we were just chatting I'll do it anyway I gave him a chewing gum I actually went and bought it anyway come here you I gave him a chewing gum

I actually went and bought something special and I was like I'm having a chewing gum do you want three and he had it and it just smelt like mint and shit

airwaves have you gone with airwaves first morning first morning airwaves surely I don't know we were in Italy that's like limo

to me airwaves if I have an airwaves, I am flying for the rest of the day. Wow. We can have that. You start with them and I'd be like, there's some kind of drugs. Then mate,

you're like luminous green. Cause I used to have like bubble gum and shit. Like hubba bubba. You go off one of them. I'm like under 10, a kid. All right. Okay.

21. Hubba bubba. I'd go, I'd go, I'd go B.O. over breath. What do you think? Because I genuinely think really dog shit breath. We knew someone whose breath stunk that bad. It was like warm.

John A.A.? No, not worse than that. Who? We used to work with you and Seneca. Oh. You can smell his breath right now. Mickey Flanagan. Yeah.

Oh, there's a few breaths I can smell right now. Mr. Morgan, the ITC chief from Cardinal England. Yeah. Like, he had teeth literally like this. Right.

And, like, he'd come and, like, he'd be spitting as he was teaching you how to do PowerPoint presentations. He's dead now, him. And Noel, who used to run

the Comedy Cafe in London, I can smell his breath right now. If, like, I could paint you what his breath smells like, if you give me a brush. A gengar. Did you see someone message Jamie, DM Jamie, about his breath? Jamie Hutchinson? Yeah.

You know he gets right in the face of the person in the front row. Someone was like, mate, you need to sort your breath out. It fucking stinks. Jamie's like, cool, cool i'm gonna reshare this oh i think i did he's so funny but he's self-deprecating jamie isn't it i couldn't give a fuck um yeah let's have a break i'm gonna go and brush my teeth cats don't know about hospices go on sign up to our patreon patreon.com

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Every month. And you can see them all as well. If you sign up, you get to watch everything we've ever made for £3. The Red Bull Soap uh was broadcast on channel five it was so weird to see us on tv left our into so i thought i thought they're just gonna cut our bit out because we're troublemakers but they left our interview in and the only the only show they're both 10 or 15 of them i thought it was a fucking goth weren't they there's a problem but there's people watching it going is that adam row Rowe? Because there was no like, it wasn't like, this is Adam Rowe.

There was featured contestants where they'd gone, like gone, how do you know each of the guys? And let's see you making the... The girl who you made stretch was one of the featured girls. Yeah.

Yeah, she was like... What the fuck was that? Yeah, she was the one who got interviewed loads and like backstage of them building it and stuff. And there was a few of those. They did that like a few times.

My kids buzzed off watching that yeah it was it was the fun so if you want to see the whole thing play out who were they who's that

I think I've recognised the one on the left that one on the right never met him shut up we are going to go to yours though soon aren't we Dan

Adam's not the Red Bull soap I'll burn your life sound the next album there now alright cool that's a nice response I've never met your son I'll burn your next album then alright cool that's a nice response I've never met your son

I'll burn him more fuck kids when it meets him I'll burn him well let's have a garden party then time for a barbecue BMEF one in no time

mate go and watch Nashville go and watch Amsterdam go and watch everything we've ever made patreon.com slash have a word pod 27,000 lids cannot be wrong.

Let's do some. Harv says, wag wag lids. If someone could summon you by throwing three items into a cauldron or some shite, what three items would they need? So three things that sort of you feel like embody you a little bit. Let's start with Finn because he looks like he's in a K-hole. What?

You have been very quiet lately, Finn. I'm a bit worried about you, Finn. What's happened? I've just got Oasis on the mind. Are you really in an Oasis-based K-hole? Yeah. Snap the fuck out of it. You're doing everything right.

I had therapy yesterday and half the session was talking about that and she was like, it's getting a bit much now. There's nobody who made me feel like that. Nobody. Ugh. Are was talking about that and she was like, it's getting a bit much now. Does nobody make me feel like that? Nobody. Ugh. Are you happy about that

or envious? Listen to this. My mate, my mate, my mate phoned me last night and he went, my missus is in a mood with me and I was like,

right, why? Because it's my mate that we love always together and he was like, she was just went, what's going on? Why are you,

why are you, why are you being like this all the time? And he was like, imagine just went, what's going on? Why are you being like this all the time? And he was like, imagine if your mum was still alive or she came back to life. This is what I feel. Her mum is dead. That's been for 10 years. She was dead if she came back to life.

He's like, imagine if your mum came back to life. This is what it's like for me. That is offensive. I know. And she played Croke Park. That'd be mad, isn't it? She's putting in 10, 15 arenas. Croke Park. That'd be mad, isn't it? She's putting in 10, 15 arenas.

Croke Park. It's a double header. Adam's mum and Dan's mum. If our mums came back to life, they could do an arena tour. Just for being the first two people since Jesus to be resurrected.

Isn't it a double header when two girls suck it off? No, that's a threesome. Not in comedy, it's not. No, that's sex. A double header's when you get a blowy off two girls. Is it? Yeah.

You just made that up? No, Google that. Doubleheader blowjob, Google it. Not at the Fringe though, eh? No, there's a doubleheader gig. You're not expecting to get a sock. But I'm saying, yeah. Thank you. Is it? Yeah. I've never had one. I'll go for

a guitar. You're go for a guitar. You're putting a whole guitar. Can you not just put a plectrum in? Why do I have to? I don't know. Chop a body part off. Plectrums are ten a penny, Dan. But guitars, hard to come by.

You can't have ten for a penny. And then probably a half and half wales and turkey scarf oh throw you enough that it means you're the last one you fucking pee the fucking maybe like a maybe a welcome to real time oh you fucking that's the bleakest list. That's so miserable. Oh my God, I got so much worse and worse. What sums you up, Finn? I can't think of my third one. I've got my first two.

Cowboy art. Yeah. A pint of Guinness. Yeah. What's the third one? A bicycle. Shut up. A picture of yourself.

He's not having a bicycle. He's been on five bike rides. I'm not self-involved. I just play up to that because you're all fucking idiots. A Guinness, a cowboy hat, and...

What else do you love? A pussy. A tiny pink pussy. Just a little tiny... Ah, it's well known. Adam Rowe loves pink pussy. What is your last one? An NFL jersey

or a Liverpool jersey yeah I mean no because I wouldn't wear that so I'd say erm an unofficial LFC cap

signed no oh got one of them like not from the club shop from one of the stands outside

right okay do you not think it would be like a ticket from someone else's phone because they've sold you one of their tickets? Maybe, yeah. A bear in a phone with a ticket on it. Yeah, that'd be more.

That is it though. Yeah. It's something about going to match. Guinness and Cowboys. Guinness and a Cowboy off. Mine would be Christmas nachos, Millennium Lube or any of the incredible alternatives at Love Honey. Well saved.

Cocaine. No. It can't be, can it? Because I don't do it. It would summon you though. No, but I'm not allowed to do it. Oh yeah. So it's pre-workout.

These are witches, aren't they? It's pre-workout. Is it a vape? You've been very generous with yourself there. I'm a gym head. Pre-workout. No, it's... What were the other two?

If you're not allowed to do cocaine, do pre-workout. Yeah. It's the same.? If you're not allowed to do cocaine, do pre-workout. Yeah. It's the same. Just makes you feel fucking great. Pre-workout, what were the other two? I'll go Christmas nachos,

lube, and pre-workout. Pork by heart. I think that's more likely to summon Antonio Banderas, don't you? Clip that, bad boy. That one's going to take five minutes.

Kinder Bueno. I love them. Genuinely, it makes me think of you now, Kinder Bueno. Yeah. Kinder Bueno, kind of Dr. Pepper

and a chip and just a stomach and a skid on. No. Kinder Bueno, it can't put the Simpsons in, can you? No.

No. Because they're not physical things. That's synonymous. The idea of the Simpsons in can you no no because they're not physical things that's synonymous the idea of the symptoms into a cauldron symptoms what's your favourite

series oh no it's impossible answer I can't give you that um I don't know am I a bit boring

have I got anything synonymous with me or have I just you know Sereca not yeah that would summon me, to be fair. So Serica then.

Wallace. Serica, Wallace and hair gel. Now it looks bad that I didn't pick my kids or my wife when I picked lube. No, but if someone said to me, I've thrown Serica in a cauldron... I would just summon Carl. Just all his loved ones in a cauldron.

They would be dead, but it would get him there. He'd be annoyed. No, they're a bit of cop-outs. You've got nothing going on, have you? No, or maybe I just haven't made something that I like

my personality. That's a very nice retort to a cunty statement. He's got nothing going on though. I've got loads going on. I'm an enigma. You love this. Adam loves doing this.

What are you even about? Boring. What do you like? Why don't you wear what you like? Even if you like something, I've not concentrated enough to give a fuck. Boring. He doesn't though.

He doesn't like anything. Booing. I just boo into the corner. He likes the telly. That's it. He likes TV shows. That's it. Not really.

Rock climbing. Oh yeah. When was the last time you went rock climbing? 2021. What TV shows do you like? The Simpsons Yeah It's not a TV show

Name some hobbies and things that you like What do you like doing in your spare time? Nothing Hiding from you? Yeah I don't know

just being friendly I really want you to get out of this one with a win see you're having a go at me but there's nothing there is there you don't even like the footy anymore because Evan have ground you to a

miserable halt we won last night though up the bloody top he's made timid burnham's blues go to the top I like spending time with people I love Donovan but can't put that in so what are you doing like let's say you've got three days off we can do this let's say next week I like spending time with people I love, don't I? But I can't put that in. No. Yeah, so what are you doing? Like, let's say you've got three days off.

We can do this. Let's say next week. I got three days off last week and they're fucking not. Right, exactly. So next week, I'm not here, am I? So there's going to be, you're going to have from Saturday all the way until Tuesday off. Yeah.

I'd watch the UFC on Saturday night. Oh, UFC. There you go. But what can I put the UFC in, can I? You can put a glove. Yeah. Yeah. Or tickets to the UFC or Saturday night. Oh, UFC. There you go. But I can't put the UFC in, can I? You can put... A glove. Yeah. Yeah.

Put tickets to the UFC or UFC glove in. Yeah. So there you go. You got that. This big guy. There you go. Sunday. Sunday.

What are you doing? Sunday? Yeah. It's been a late one. The UFC usually goes to around 6.30. So what time are you getting up? I usually get up around 11. Up at 11.

And then take me through your day. I'll get up. Yeah. I'll take Wallace out. Yeah. And then me me to your day. I'll get up. Yeah. I'll take Wallace out. Yeah. And then me and Sarah can all just do something together. Like? I don't know.

That's what a lot of people do, Adam. The cinema. Genuinely, I know you're like, this is fucking ridiculous. Stay up watching something. Get up, walk a dog, hang out with your missus. That's what a lot of people do. That's what a lot of people do. It's Sunday, hobby day. But that's what a lot of people do I say it for Yeah It's Sunday Hobby day

But that's what I do on a Sunday So cool Fine So you're just doing something with Seneca So you might cook Watch a film Just having a chill Yeah or like

We've been skiing a couple of times You go to the cinema a lot Okay Cool Monday Monday she's in work So So what are you doing?

I'm probably in here with you It's the school holidays No you're not You've got Monday off It's the school holidays as well She's off Is Steve off? Sure Ah If Steve was in So what are you doing? I'm probably in here with you. No, you're not. You've got Monday off. It's the school holidays as well. She's off. Is Steve off?

Sure. If Steve was in, I'd come in and spend time with him. But he's off. So you don't want to spend time with him. Steve, you're going in a cauldron, mate. I'd text him and go, what are you doing? Right.

And then he'll go, not on what you want to do. And you're like, ah, I'm in the undies, staying in. That would be my response, actually. Yeah. I like people to tell me what to do

I just I don't know maybe I'm just an old man who likes no it's just you're not Adam and this is what

Adam wants start three hobbies out of resentment for me I skydive I'm just proving my point he's just chill

nothing going on yeah I just like to relax and see the people love yous and no vice no maybe I'm just boring but I love, use and so on. No vice? No.

Maybe I'm just boring. But I love my life, so it's fine. I think your kinder bueno is your vice, isn't it? Your vice. Your bison. I love my life, though.

Like, I'm so content with my life. That's good. And Matt LeBlanc? Time for kids. Matt LeBlanc's favourite thing to do is nothing, apparently. Who is it who said that? Someone else said that.

I saw it the other day and it was but someone else said it um i saw it today and it was like i think it was uh matthew mcconaughey he was like don't underestimate sitting home doing nothing i think i made this morning when i felt achy don't no one's in the house i would have loved to just stay on the couch this morning how much you love when the kids and laura are out and you just got the house it doesn't happen much does it but how good is it when you get it if it's been busy and I've been working and then I wake up

and I'm like a bit tired, sometimes I'm like, oh, I'm a bit tired and Laura goes, just chill out on the couch for a bit and I'll watch a film. Like on one of our days off, like a Friday morning.

Oh, it's so good. I really would have loved to stay and watch the Bourne Ultimatum this morning. Just watch it when you get it. I don't know, maybe I'm boring,

but I love my life. By the way, don't feel bad about it. I don't know maybe i'm boring but i love my life by the way don't feel bad about it i don't but i do i do like doing things but it like i think you do loads of different stuff people do it with that matters i think one of your hobbies is being a good couple with serica i'm not even messing like i think you could get into the specifics of the details but one of the things you do is like work on your relationship one of the things i do is work on not being a shit dad it's like it's not easy to go what are you into because you're just trying to keep these little fucking suicidal midgets alive and be a good dad and be present and it's a car it takes part of your fucking existence what you do suicidal midget

security guard that's all parenting it's like yeah you'll find this one day when you settle down stop going out drinking and cycling bikes hands shit it's not

it's fucking great I believe you I'd be bored out of my mind I don't think you would be I would I don't think you would be I would

no because who's your best mate and not me is it Jack probably Jack yeah so do you only just in the room

just sitting with Jack are you bored yeah a lot of the time it depends what are we literally just sat there doing nothing

no but you're doing stuff together you're watching a telly you're chatting you're showing each other videos and you're just like whatever

you are a bit of a border collie aren't you you need to be doing stuff yeah you're not like a yeah like a lazy dog.

You're like a pug. But you like to sit with me and just do fuck all. What? Me and you just watching on telly, like we used to do. It was great, wasn't it? Totally. I've just found someone else I can do that with.

Totally. And I'm happy for you. She's got a nice little tip. No. But I can only do that for like so long. I can't do that like two or three days in a row. No, I can't. It makes me feel sick.

So that's what I'm talking about. That's why I said to you, what are you doing Monday? I probably, yeah. That's why before when he was like, oh, Adam, this is actually quite normal. I know that's quite normal on a Sunday. That's why I was very accepting of your day.

You've had a late night. You're up quite late. Dog for a walk. Day with your missus. I get it. I like that. I like it. Class, what are you doing Monday?

Because I'm telling you right now, if Monday was the same as Sunday for me, I would want to shoot myself in the face with a gun. Yeah, it'd make me feel grim. That's the option. The cinema or shopping, doing stuff around the house. Yeah, we're just,

maybe we're 80 years old and we're only 32, but we both love it. We've got a dog and we take him out and it's sick. We love our house and the way we live great

maybe I've just realised that I'm an old man but you will find it and go this is sick no I won't I will never be as boring as this so you're going to sit there

with your partner you found it and go do you want to go rock climbing because I'm bored and they go no

we're in what do you do then you just fuck off on the second day no but i'm so so we've had sunday in all day oh yeah i've made a roast she's done the dishes that's the dream by the way you're giving me a hypothetical this is not how life works going forward what you do with your days where you're doing nothing do you have to do something or can you not just relax for like the second second or third day, I have to do something. How rare is it you get two or three days off

doing nothing? It doesn't happen. That's not the world. You give me an insane hypothetical. Give me bank holidays, but everyone's busy on bank holidays. I'm saying life. You will just relax with this person

and realise you've settled a bit more. You just haven't done it yet. What would you do on day two? I'm telling you right now, this is just a massive difference in our personalities and that is not true. What would you do on day two?

We go to the gym as well. We'd go to the gym together, which is good. Great. Cycling. Golf. The pub. You've not played as much this summer, have you? No, my shoulder hasn't been as good. No. Which is really annoying.

Can you get a sports massage for that? I'd love a fucking sports massage. I've had a few massages recently as well. That's something else I really like doing, is just going for a little massage. Oh my God. A trip to the spa. Yes, mate.

But I need surgery. That's what I need for it. And then it'll be better. It'll never be perfect again, but I need surgery. What were you doing on a, it's December and it's raining and there's no footy on.

But it's this Monday. What are you doing? It's a rainy Monday's December and it's raining and there's no footy on but it's this Monday what are you doing it's a rainy Monday December it's the second day though what do you mean so the footy isn't on

so Sunday I've like Saturday I've been to match Sunday I've relaxed with my missus and then Monday it's just like oh the weather's a bit shit

innit I'll go and do a gig or I'll go to the pub or but the pub is just you sharing time with somebody in a different place isn't it totally with booze yeah an atmosphere and social yeah i just thought yeah if you're watching for the first time these two are best friends and have been for

ages this is why we can talk like this. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, I've got to, I can't just, I get cabin fever so quickly and I always will. Yeah. Like it's, it's just not.

After the extended periods, I'm like, I feel shit. I need to get out. I think that'll change, you know, a little bit. I know you've got pretty strong characteristics

in that sense. I think when you meet someone, you have kids, being at home with them is going to feel so much less tedious than it seems now totally and i think if i had children then that would that changes everything because then so much of your attention and effort and energy and all of it and if you know if you're parenting right and you've got like kids that you love and they're not fucking little gobshites you're getting a lot of entertainment and stuff back from like doing fuck all with the kids is

a great way of hanging out totally fun yeah but until they exist mondays like that thing i said to you on twisty today is like you you said this is the most sundayist uhous Monday of all time. Boring. Like, if you enjoyed a pint and going to the pub, if you enjoyed it, like, properly, I know you don't mind it every now and then, but if you enjoyed it, that day, you'd have had a better day because you'd have gone to the pub. Yeah. But as I'm saying, I prefer to...

I prefer to hear Sarah. Can't she just go to the pub? Yeah, but she wasn't there, was she? Yeah. But you said it was a shit day you tweeted that it was a shit day no because it woke up and it felt

we still did stuff yeah but you you said it's the sundayest monday of all time and that it's boring yeah that's what that's what bank holidays are

so what are you putting in the cauldron Adam summon you come on come on come on I don't know but

just go back for the last half an hour and see what you think my life is but I'm very content let's do some advice 18 minutes that's one question

good that's what we want it was a good question nice Finn likes chilling but he's not going to get potted that's that's cheating that's get potted that's cheating that's not real chilling

that's drug addiction last week I was waiting for someone in the pub and they were running late and I had a pint on my own and went on my phone and that's not even my shouts and old like tweet

that is such a simple pleasure in class being in the pub alone but you're not there alone because that's sad and bleak but like waiting you're in the pub early waiting for someone waiting for someone because that's sad and bleak yeah but like wait

you're you're in the pub early waiting for someone waiting for someone and they're like i'm gonna be 10 minutes late so you get like half an hour on your own in the pub but it's totally valid and fair and reasonable and you're not like oh and someone replied to me and said well i've started because i enjoy this so much and i realized how much i enjoyed it when people were running late i've started getting to the pub half an hour before i've agreed to meet someone so i i build it in that i'm early and get to just be have one pint on my own on my phone like i hate being on the couch on my phone you know if i'm in the house now and i'm doing and i catch myself doing it i want to throw my phone like through the wall i'm like what it's just bleeding my brain dry but it doesn't feel like

a bad thing when you sat sat in a pub doing it. My favourite pint on holiday, because we went out and got food, I went to the pizza place and I went and collected an Indian. And then because we had a villa, we would take it back and eat the food. And that pint as you were waiting...

Come on, Raj. As you were waiting for the order to be made, oh, just a great pint. Yeah. You're just there on your own, pint, got the phone out i'm there for a reason i'm not skiving i'm doing the dad bit i'm getting everyone's food i'm a provider but i get fucking 20 minutes being allowed 15 20 minutes it's great like being on your own it's

okay like going cedric is in the bathroom i'm like i can literally just got my phone and just mess about and do shit um advice from an anonymous lady hey lids please keep me anonymous but I need some advice now that she's anonymous we get to imagine this woman in our head let's give her a lovely pair of tits little tight pink pussy nice can't believe people think we're laddy as a podcast

isn't it weird isn't it weird we've got levels gears we do fucking emotions we do pink pussy we've just done very deep shit isn't it weird we've got levels gears yeah yeah yeah we do fucking emotions we do pink pussy we do it all

we're like an onion on something with levels a lift we're like an onion in a lift this podcast is an onion in a lift yeah levels and layers I recently came home

with a small amount of filler in my lips and chin. He keeps shaking his head by the way today. He is really not on fucking... Are you alright? Yeah. Are you though?

He's literally just sat there going the Gallagher brothers are too big for this. Do you just want to be in a queue for Oasis tickets? Do you want to get in the like queue early? I'd like to do that.

Do you think Noel would like this? No. Liam? Yeah. Do you know what I think? I'm honestly, I don't mean this in a mean way you don't want me

to get tickets it's not that I don't want you to get tickets I want you to not get them and everyone else get them thanks I'd give you my and then no one

give him one and no one give him one I just think it'd be dead funny Finn if it wasn't you yeah and it was someone else

you would think it was funny as well oh yeah yeah yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay. If you've got no humour about this, I've got no humour about this. Once this is out of the way, I'll be fine. It's next year.

Give me three days. No, I mean the tickets. Oh, I'm worried for you. When's it going to sell? Are you actually really anxious about this? Saturday morning, 8 o'clock. I'm a bit anxious because I... Friday for the pre-sale.

Oh, God. I've signed up for the ballot. I've got... I'm in the ballot. Tony McCarroll how do you know I got an email saying

thank you for being one of the boys are you in the ballot you're in the ballot because he's bought merch and stuff could you get in the room do you know what I mean

come on the room where it happens the ballot's not started yet sorry come on sorry you're alright hang on

so we've applied to be in the ballot yeah and even that doesn't guarantee tickets why don't they just do 472 dates like the whole country like Michael Jackson Friday. We've applied to be in the ballet. Yeah. And even that doesn't guarantee seconds. Why don't they just do 472 dates like the whole country?

Like Michael Jackson. I'd like them to do that. Do a residency at Wembley. If one of them was to get shot which one would you want to be? Neither.

What are you talking about? No there's one bully. No where a man breaks in into the orgy of a range. He's like right one of them now.

Liam no now. Uh, Noel, now. Uh, it's Noel. Stop stalling! Uh, it's Noel, isn't it? I don't know.

If you don't tell me right in. Liam, Liam. That's what I'd shoot both of them there. Well done. Anyway, enjoy your orgy. No,

I don't know. It was in the press here. I just go around shooting bricked up pop artists in the head. Bricked up? Bricked up. It'sicktop I'm a good one Do you know what Nemesis means boys? Can I do this advice?

It's my favourite ride at Alton Towers Anonymous Lady Hey Lids Please keep me anonymous but I need some advice I recently came home with a small amount of filler in my lips and chin. This isn't the first time I've done so, and there's never been a reaction before.

In fact, previously, he told me he didn't even notice. However, this time, I was berated for half an hour about how ridiculous I look and how he would never want a girlfriend as fake as that. I have asked co-workers, friends, and even my very strict parents who have all said I look minimally different. We are now a fortnight on from the initial argument and he still refuses to look at me properly and everything comes back to the new filler i have gotten i am i in the wrong for getting it or do we think the relationship maybe is at its end i only started getting filler in

the first place because in passing comments he has told me i have a gummy smile no chin oh my god break up with this man also he's allowed to change his face now and there's no limits yeah he wants a second nose you're fucked now girl he can come home one day and just he looks stupid and he goes yeah well i'd love to see my chin but just a bit thicker i have someone could like do that for me does you know all right fella makes does, you know. Fella makes it look more... Do you know if you could just see the visual of a thicker chin?

An artist could do it. No chins are weird. Look at it. It is, yeah. Have you seen it? I think there's... Is it called like Pierre Robin syndrome

or something? It's called Pierre no chins. Pierre no chins. Big Ed's got it on me. Bondi told me about it. He's a dentist. Big Ed? Have you seen Big Ed? I've seen Big Ed. No, not syndrome. Big Ed's got it on me. Bondi told me about it. He's a dentist. Big Ed? Have you seen Big Ed?

I've seen Big Ed. No, not Mary. Big Ed, the famous fella. Get Big Ed up. No, I want to find out what the no chin syndrome is. He's got it. No.

A Big Ed and no chin. No, it's maybe... Pierre Noonan. Oh, it is Pierre. Fucking Noonan. Pierre. Pierre Noonan. Google Big Ed,

as in like E.D. What, water on the brain? No Big Ed Big What? Big Head Ed? ED

Oh Big Ed Big Head? Fucking stupid You say head There he is Look he's got a chin Oh Finn Has he got a chin?

No I know who Big Ed is He's got Clipple Fail Syndrome What? Clipple Fail Have you subtitled it? We don't know what it looks like this clip will fail turn the telly on then you go to the mode it doesn't work like that

tell me he's doing like that i know what's gonna come oh him no that's not it It's just on YouTube. I know why. Show us. Show us Big Ed. I've connected to the telly, so you need to get off YouTube. We are off YouTube.

Oh, this is retarded. Oh, put it. Dan! I'll just cut it out. Can you see him? Just us arguing about a fucking TV. This guy. Oh!

Oh, Big Ed. From 90 Minute Fiance minute fiance yeah what's it called 90 day fiance that's it i do think it's a i do think it's a bit mad when people just start changing their face and stuff without consulting their partner in a long-term relationship but if you it's your decision at the end of the day and if he hates it then you shouldn't be together and he sounds like a rude man a rude boy yeah listen I'm like Laura mentioned

about getting filler and I was against it and then someone messaged me and went look I've got a bit of filler and it looks normal and that's fine

my head's gone to the extreme of like Jackie Stallone yeah it's hard not to go to the I've got a shellfish allergy sort of visual

yeah I'm not into it me just don't know I'm not into it I would never he sounds like a bad gimp though yeah he sounds like a gobsmacked

it's so common now though I reckon it's like genuinely one in two girls I'm certain he just got it now I think it's more than that do you reckon yeah yeah really

I think under 30 I reckon two thirds to three quarters of women have got filler no in Liverpool in Liverpool

I'd say so yeah I'd say across the UK it's so normal if your friends have got it and everyone you see has got it then why wouldn't you you've got

like most of it is so subtle that you'd never right yeah yeah like it's well more than one and two it's like the Bill Burbitt innit you're not just gonna fucking

you start and then it's no one gets one it's like tattoos you get one and then you want more yeah that's the Bill Burbitt I was earlier I'm just gonna get this done

oh are you yeah you're just gonna get the hood on your car waxed like yeah you're gonna do everything I'm not into it I think just you know

24% of women admitted to it yeah forgetting about all the liars secret stories there's another 50% that are liars

women like yeah I mean do you and I'd never get with a girl who had it and then start kicking off but if a girl I was with

I'd be like oh I, I'm massively into that. Mate, anonymous lady, find someone who thinks you're great, man. You do what you want with your fucking face as long as you don't look daft. But why are people with people who are just fucking shit? Be with someone who's like, hey, you're great, you. That's like nagging and it's like weird abuse.

Why would you say that to someone like that? Do you want to be with someone who just wants to bum your head in all the time because they think you're great yeah sometimes i see lauren she's like doing the washing up and i'm like god still smash it's great great and all they she doesn't look always great washing up you know but to me she does that's what i see you look great in the pictures the private ones i sent you no the ones she sent me. Oh, right. Nice. Nice. In my shower, washing my cock.

Yeah, she takes pictures on all of these. God, that's... I think she's gone past a line there. That's the line. That's the line. Washing his cock.

Everyone needs a clean cock. I was looking for it. Stick it online. God. This is from an anonymous lady. Needs some advice. It's been with my fiance for over seven years now.

For the past year or so, I've had genuine fantasies about having a threesome This is from an anonymous lady. Need some advice, Lids. Been with my fiance for over seven years now. For the past year or so, I've had genuine fantasies about having a threesome with my fella and his lifelong best mate. Like every time we have sex, I'm thinking about it being a threesome. How can I bring this up to him? Or do I just suppress this forever? Love the pod from Serica.

Well, there's... Me and my partner just don't do much, you know, like on the second day. Just not going anywhere. The first day's fine. There's only one person here who can sort of talk about this, and it's you.

What would you do if Serica brought this up? You're the one to give this girl advice. Could Serica bring this up to you? It costs me so much money because we've already paid for the wedding. No. If Serica said I want to fuck somebody else and it just so happens...

No, it's your best mate. It's not anyone else. It's very specifically Adam Raworsty. I'd go, why do you just fancy Adam? She's like, no, I still want you there. No, no, no, I know that. But I'm saying, if she thought you were an ogre, she wouldn't want it, would she?

I'd be like, clearly you've got feelings for Adam then. No, but it's not feelings. What? Like, I'd go marry him, you fucking bitch. No, she wouldn't want it, would she? I'd be like, clearly you've got feelings for Adam then. No, but it's not feelings. What? Like, I'll go marry you, you fucking bitch. No,

she doesn't want to marry me, she wants to marry you, she's just lusting for me. Such a basic bitch. I was joking, damn it. No, she's just lusting for me.

She's only human. Okay, then what if Laura wants to fucking smoke Bondi off? Yeah, it's not easy, is it?

No. Yeah, it's not easy. No, give me that big Bondi cock. I would rather she went, hey, can we, is it? No. Yeah, it's not easy. No. Give me that big Bondy cock. I would rather she went, A, can we bonk her random? I would rather that.

I would rather, obviously. Yeah. Would you? Yes. Yes. 100%. Would you rather it be a randomer? That we got to agree on.

It's not like we'll do a little lotto, see who's on the street. Oh, it's number 16. Geoff. No. Not a surprise there. I just don't want my future wife having sex with other men. That is me.

No, but this is what we're saying is, if it was going to happen, why do you want it to be a random one and not me? Because that random one would never be in my life ever again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't have to podcast with him twice a week. Yeah, totally. But like,

isn't it better that you know it's someone who's going to care about both of you? What are you doing to me? What? Don't go making sure you're having a good time. I'm doing that myself. Fist bumping you. I know which hand you like. All right, lad.

Fist bump. Hey, this is what I'm talking about. You've got a new hobby. Three ways. Sunday, that sound. Take the dog out. Chill out. Mondays

we both fuck Seneca it's class class lad Dan would you Eiffel Tower Laura with Bondi is that in your head now I'm telling you this right now

Bondi's Bondi's my oldest best mate I think he might be in the league you know you've got mates who you're close with he'd be

up there Barry Dodds no Barry is below oh no You know you've got mates who you're close with. He'd be up there. Barry Dodds. No. Barry is below. Oh, no. Do you know where there's parking? Yeah, Barry, it's my house.

Put it on the drive. I'm going to put you in Ectoplasm Park. Jesus. Barry's so far down. Oh, my God. What do you mean Bondi's high up? He's chilled out. He's just chilled. What does that mean?

So that's better. He's just socially awkward enough that mean so that's better he's just he's just he's socially awkward enough that I don't think he'd ever mention it again he'd just like put it in a place

he can compartmentalise no just a random I'd rather pick a random homeless oh no I would no

no homeless you've gone that's wrong no random no because then he just disappears into the ether

then he doesn't he's in your bins. Yeah. If you did it with a random, both of you, would you want them to do a good job? Or would you want to just be like, that was shit.

It's better with you. Put it on the fairway. I don't want this. You don't want to like, I never knew it could be like this. Is that incompetence? Don't do it. You don't want to squirt.

And so I did it to the ceiling. Be shit. Be awful. I don't. If she squirted at all, it'd hurt my feelings. I'd be like, where's this been? But it is, as I've always said,

you know, the happiness of the world has gone up. And I'm always talking about collective happiness. Like I said, if someone's... So what, have a threesome with a homeless guy? What are you always saying? You've literally never said that ever. I have.

Karl, that is not your mantra. I have. I'm always saying on this podcast the happiness of the world has gone up like if someone steals your bike that you didn't really

care about and they love it the happiness has gone up in the world even though a bad thing happened maybe they would steal my bike you know what I mean but if she gets walloped

by a homeless guy your sadness won't be matched by his insane ecstasy so you know on average utilitarianilitarianism. Share out the... Yeah, okay.

The heaviness, the calculus. A friend of mine did this. They're in a long-term relationship. They're still with their partner. A couple of years ago, he said to her... My friend's the girl. That's sexy. He said to her, I want you to go out

and get fucked by someone else uh they all cuckold yeah film it and then send it me i mean they're still together and they're they're fine i was just amazed by that of course they're fine she got walloped then he got to have a seedy little fucking fantasy he's attracted to her so he wants to watch her have sex and then she comes back tells her tells him all it, and then he reclaims her. I'm really into Cuckold porn. I really like it. He reclaims her?

He bonks her and he's like, you're mine, aren't you? Oh, yeah, but you're mine, aren't you? Yeah. And she goes, I am. Apart from an hour ago, then I wasn't. But you know what? I'm back now because you pay the council tax. He wrote this script.

Yeah, but he's homeless. He wouldn't have any council tax. Oh, sorry. This isn't important. This is in real life oh god keep going I'm on bifold

would you cook old what would you be into that yourself yeah love to I'm dying for Laura to get out more

yeah who are you meeting down the allotment Bondi there you go yeah I'd love to yeah no shit

I don't think it's especially not in the mother to your kids but I don't but you's... Especially not in the mother-to-be kids. But I don't... But you always just apply your... I get it. That's what everyone does. No, some people can empathise better than it seems you can.

I just don't want to fuck my wife. Whenever you do this, you go, this is insane. I don't like it. I can't even imagine how anyone would. I just know where the comedy lies. What? I just know where the comedy lies.

What, shutting everything down because you don't like it? Yes. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. We've got a bit of advice in. What? I just know where the comedy lies. What, shutting everything down because you don't like it? Yes. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. We've got a bit of advice here. No, I wouldn't. That sounds awful. I know where the comedy lies. Let's have a break.

No, of course I'm not into it. But if Laura came and she was like, I don't know, if she was really into it, but it's just so alien to what the couple that we are. But I am a pervv i think i'm a theoretical perv i could be so much more pervy than i am i can see you being into like golden and dog i don't think i'd be as bothered as no i can see you being less i just don't i think people obsess about like ownership and like your mind this as i get older i'm like what a lot of nonsense whatever whatever

whatever you say that but I know for a fact Jack Finn I got asked to lend you a pressure washer last week and you said no I'll come and do it myself to our garden

you what same you're like no that's mine don't trust you no that's not what I said at all I went have you got an outside tap

and he went no I went right cool we're gonna have to get round that because I can lend him the pressure washer but if you can't plug it in it's just you going and doing nothing

we've already been doing that this isn't working we're actually going to need some water Jack was like Jack and Dan I'll lend you some pressure washer if I ask him

he was like I just want to do that outside a bit and I was like yeah sure just drop him a text and Jack went Dan's just going to come and do it he said he's going to do cars as well

and I was like that is definitely Dan being really protective of his price yeah because we would snap it after's as well and I was like that is definitely Dan being really protective of his price. Yeah because we would snap it after one minute. Yeah I really do like that K7

and I don't want you to break it. Weirdly. I would rather Laura don't get back. Jack Finnegan's like hey Dan can I borrow Laura

for the afternoon? Not a problem lad yeah. Yeah yeah. I really love that Laura don't break her. Oh by the way if we're cook holding it that Laura. Don't break her. Oh, by the way, if we're cook-holding, it's not with Jack Finnegan.

Oh, God. But you wanted to have fun because you do that. What? You wanted to have fun, surely? With my next wife. We'll see. Right.

Do you want a break? You should have a break. You should have a break. Call your partner. Yeah, I need to speak to my wife. I'm so sorry, babe. Steph Dagg's here. Whoa. Did I pronounce that right? It's Dagg. so sorry, babe. Steph Daggs here. Whoa.

Did I pronounce that right? It's Dagg. Dagg, yeah. Daggastini. Oh, wow. Is the long version, yeah. The real version. The real version, yeah. Do you like Daggs?

Mm-hmm. What? Do you like Daggs? Do I like, oh, from the movie? Yeah. Yep. Can I ask you a question? Sure.

Are we a bit much? You know, it's like a first meeting. Because I've met Gabby a few times now. Yeah. And it's the first time we've met. We haven't even spoke. This is booked in by someone else. And like, very happy to have you here.

I've watched loads of your clips. Thank you. Thank you. But I've just like, I had a moment there where me and Carl were being me and Carl. When I was just like, I wonder if this, if I was sat there, would be a bit much. I come from a broken home, so this feels very comfortable for me. Just sort of lots of shouting, dishes breaking. Really? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm from New Jersey. Do you guys know about New Jersey? It's like Italian. It's like Italian. There's a lot of

opioids. It's a good time. So smack it, Italians. It's broken. Yeah. Loud. Yeah. Yeah. So this feels good. Like if there was a fight at the family home, would like plates be getting smashed on the wall? A hundred percent. So a bit Greek as well.

That was my, that was my childhood. Really? So now I'm a comedian. Would you say your dad was a bit like Tony Soprano? I would say my dad was like Tony Soprano. If Tony Soprano was like a giant pussy. Not a tiny little pink one, a giant.

Yeah, because he is like kind of fat Italian guy, but he's like very soft, like almost like theatrical version of Tony Soprano. So maybe he's more like James Gandolfini, actually. Yes, he's an actor who you could play. If you wanted to, he could be, but he isn't mean. Is that what he did? Was he an actor? No, no, no.

My dad was like a carpenter and now uh he's like a aa meeting uh person an alcoholic an alcoholic he's an alcoholic uh recovered recovered you gotta be an impressive alcoholic if you can go full-time with it if you can go full time with it. He's given up his job to do AA meetings. Well, I don't know if he gave up his job or if his job gave up him. You know what I mean? But yeah, he runs AA meetings now. Oh, he runs them?

Yeah, he runs them. He's sober. I like to say he's a church going man because he spends all his time in church basements because that's where they hold AA meetings. That's where all the wine is, isn't it? Yeah. Fuck, he's still drinking, isn't't he was he an alcoholic and he stopped and ended that yes oh wow yeah he's been sober for like four years now wow yeah you're not allowed to drink and then

start loads of aa meetings that's frowned upon yeah these nubbits the sign up fee no but like surely like you'd like to run an a meeting you don't have to be sober yeah yeah you do yeah you have to you have to have gone through all the steps to then become an a leader but who's keeping track of that you can't do like diy like a meetings sorry everyone late for the meeting just had a few down the local anyway still sober but for you yeah yeah i think that's fine you're gonna lead by example haven't you

I guess it's like you know people say if you can't if you can't do it teach it yeah those who don't do teach if you can't yeah

so it's kind of like that yeah but it's not like that because he has to do it well yeah but that's what he's saying is that potentially Simon Cowell doesn't sing does he

but he knows who can maybe your dad's still a pisser but like he knows how to get people sober by the way we're on you guys are just trying to convince you my dad's still drinking like he's not drinking well mine is and my mom drank herself to death so i feel like like it's yeah you shouldn't don't drink don't excess don't drink it'd be better if you ran the a meeting and you were still a pisser right and then your like team like your squad your like customers yeah they they would they would get so well that it convinced you to stop that's a better way to do it maybe that they should be ran by people like they're so horrified by how much of a drunk you are that they get sober yeah

right yeah lead by anti example yeah yeah but i come in covered in your own shite stinking of alcohol cigarette burns all over but they're already doing that as the people in the aaa meetings they're already the example that is bad you know what i mean do you have to be and you might not know the answer to this do you have to be sober to go to aaa do you know what i mean yeah you're one day sober aren't? That's the start of sobriety. I don't think they'll let you turn up pissed. That's what I'm asking. Can you turn up pissed and be like, I'm fucked?

You can be hungover. Right. One day sober. You can go drunk, though, because you're not even trying. Surely people have gone drunk, though, under the radar. And then what do they do? Say, no, get out. Well, no, because I don't think it's about,

I don't think you have to be sober. I think you're just on, you're exploring sobriety. You're on the path to sobriety. Yeah. So. But if you turn up pissed, I imagine it's frowned upon. You can't. Yeah.

Can everyone tell me a story about your lowest point this morning? Yeah, that's going to be frowned upon. Yeah. I'm not sure you're allowed to go drunk. I think you'd have to go drunk i think you'd have to be at least like trying to start because it's a class isn't it you're not going to what do they still give the chips the snacks no the i'm going for the the sobriety chips 20 days yeah yeah someone told me that when you get to 90 days it's like a really big deal like they like

everyone cheers and they clap so my friend says that every time she goes she just says it's her 90th day so that they just like really give her a big like standing ovation comedian no she sounds like she goes to the same meeting because surely that would be i think she goes to different meetings and it's like it's it's my 90th whatever it's like wow which i get has she seen fight club she sounds like helena bonham carter doesn't she yeah she does yeah she's using like 90 days does make that's three months in it that's like a good i guess that's when you like break a habit i think yeah totally like because like anyone does like a month alcoholics can do like but if you're suddenly going i've just hit 10 years likemind that. She's on 90 days. Yeah. Woo! Yeah, but your first 90 days

was probably harder than the 10th year. It probably is. Do you know what I mean? Like 10 years in, you're probably done with it. Habit broke. 90 days in,

really hard. Like anything under 40 is like, that's just not even lent. If you're an alcoholic and you're 10 years in, we don't care. We're not impressed.

Shut up about it. No one cares. Have a drink. Yeah, yeah. I haven't had a drink in 10 years. Celebrate. Do you reckon if you'd had one, you'd go back to it?

Even after 10 years? It depends on how dependent you were on it and your personality. Like Spencer Matthews, you know, from Made in Chelsea, who's just ran 30 marathons in 30 days in the desert. Jesus. He looks skinny as well. He also looks like he's got a hernia.

He got to a point with alcohol that it was really negatively affecting his life and was like, oh, I've got a drinking problem and I need to stop. But now he drinks occasionally

and some people do that because they want to sort of own the control of it. They're like, oh, I can have a drink and then prove to myself that I don't spiral again. They're not floodgate alcoholics.

Like the ones who are like, if you have a bit, that's it. It's three days lost. You can't stop. You can't not have a second one. But if you opened a bottle of vodka in the room that my mum was in, she'd have just reverted. Like she did several times. My mum went through rehab like a handful of times

and then just kept going back. Yeah. I've just not got an addictive personality at all. What? I just haven't got an addictive personality. I just can't even perceive being that reliant on something yeah i i think it's very easy to say i have but i don't think i've got an addictive personality at all i just love pints and it's not the same thing i think it's what your mom i feel like alcoholism is cultural here

oh 100 like it is just like part of the vibe of this country. There's a, I forget the source. There's a really old school comic who said, I think they're American and they're like, or maybe they're British. He's like, so I went to America and they're like, oh, you're an alcoholic. And I was like, well, back home, I'm just normal. And then I went to Ireland and they called me a pussy.

Like a really like good, like old one line of joke, but it definitely is a cultural thing. It's like contextual. We drink for every reason. If you give us one emotion. Yeah. If someone's dead, we'll have a drink. Any occasion.

If someone's got married, we'll have like. Right. If you just got sober for 10 years, you'll have a drink. That must be similar in the States though. Like alcohol's attached to a lot of stuff. Alcohol I think is, it's crazy how normal it is in every like in everyone's lives like society kind of functions around alcohol yeah in a weird way what's your what's your advice if you i know i know you're not in like rehab for something but if something was going to get you in rehab what's

the boy what's your weapon of choice oh the dick not dick. No, no, no, no. Not even dick. She's 10 years off the dick. The emotional, like, I love being obsessed with boys, you know? Is that what you're like? But not even sex. So you're like lust and chase? I love having crushes. You're like chasing in the feeling.

Yeah. Are you like a sort of 90-day fiancé type person? You get 90 days in and you're like, bored are you? Next new thing. Yeah. I mean, I've been in a lot of long distance relationships that started because I met a guy on vacation. And then I almost moved to Sweden for a guy.

I was converting to Orthodox Judaism for another guy. You've got to be good at sex to make someone convert to Orthodox Judaism. He had a really good mustache and his parents owned a vibrator company. He wasn't religious at all, by the way. He just wanted me to convert Orthodox. Well, Adam's had a nice mustache and we're sponsored by a vibrator company. Welcome to the show.

Where did you meet him? I met him when I was like 23 and I moved to LA to be with him, even though he had already broken up with me. And then we got back together. He told me I had to be Jewish. even though he had already broken up with me and then we got back together he told me I had to be Jewish so I was like done done easy I've done worse and then uh and then he was like no it has to be orthodox because if you convert reform it's really easy you get like a lesbian rabbi they're very chill but he wanted me I think he thought that I was going to be like no

that's crazy but I'm crazy so I was like done let's was going to be like, no, that's crazy. But I'm crazy. So I was like, done, let's do it. And he was like, fuck. Yeah, and he's literally texting us, boys, how do I get rid of this girl? I was like, tell her she's got to be an Orthodox Jew. Good idea. And you're like, fucking sacking me, aren't you? Yeah, I'm like looking for wigs. She's already at the synagogue.

What would you have to change? Wig. I'd have to go to synagogue twice a day. Wear the hat. No, not the women don't get to wear the hats. The women don't get to do anything fun. The women do all the boring shit. Yeah, his family didn't care at all.

His family was like, why are you making her convert orthodox? That's crazy. And he was like, I just thought it would get rid of it. Yeah. So why did you break up? Did you not do it? He still broke up with me. And now he's dating like a Catholic blonde girl.

Not better though. What was your original religion? I have none. My mom's from communist Yugoslavia. No religion. Oh, really? Yeah. There's no religion in Yugoslavia?

Yeah, there is. There is. Famously, there is. Yeah, yeah. They had a bit of a to-do about that. Bit of a genocide. It doesn't exist anymore, does it? What happened?

It's not Croatian, is it? You know, the... The Balkan Wars? Yeah. Kosovo. Pretty big one in the 90s. Bosnia, Herzegovina, all of that. Yugoslavia broke up and there was a bit of genocide.

It was a really bad breakup. Serbia. Yeah. They all just went, oh, we're going to have to go elsewhere. Slobodan Milosevic. But what's his name? Tito is like an anti-religion.

Jackson. Communist. Tito Jackson was the leader of Yugoslavia. He kept it together, man, with music. Who's Tito Jackson? From the Jackson Five. One of the Jackson Five? How do you know the other Tito and not that Tito?

I only know Michael Jackson. I don't know the other four. Randy. Jermaine. And the other Tito and not that Tito. I only know Michael Jackson. I don't know the other four. Randy, Jermaine, and the other one. I know Janet. Vincent. She wasn't in the Jackson 5. Tito, Jackson, Samuel L. We've been through this before. Listen, Tito, Randy,

Jermaine, Michael, and the other one. How do you guys know this? What do you mean? The what do you mean the Jackson 5 the Jackson 5 are like the most famous band of all time what are you

it's a crazy thing to say Marlon Marlon Jackson Marlon Marlon what do you mean you think they're bigger

than like the Rolling Stones like at the time the Beatles and Yugoslavia no but they're up they're up there though aren't they they're in the conversation

they're not in my conversation. Do you think Michael Jackson's one of the biggest pop stars ever? He is the biggest pop star. Yeah, and he came from the Jackson 5. Yeah, but that's like saying Destiny's Child is huge because Beyonce was huge. Fact. Fact.

Yeah, One Direction and Harry Styles. Yeah, One Direction and Harry Styles. Yeah, but these solo acts surpass the band that they came from. Yeah, 100%. Jackson 5, I mean, that was also so long ago. yeah but these these solo acts surpass the band that they came from yeah a hundred percent jackson five i mean that was also so long ago what about rocking around the christmas tree that's the jackson five this is can't be that i think so where's this come from what do you mean this passion this passion abc we have never really talked about the jackson five before maybe once in five years you've talked about it every episode.

This is a Jackson 5 podcast. Do the research. Do you not know that big of a song? You guys have modeled your studio. Adam, it's Rockin' Robin, but it was close. Rockin' Robin. All I know is ABC. That's all I know.

I want you back. I want you back. Who's loving you? I'll be there. I'll be there. That one? Yeah. You know I want you back.

I'm 18 plus. You know I want you back i'm 18 plus you know i want you back that's i know that one yeah i'm 29 who's loving you that's a good one yeah yeah oh banger that's probably their best one i think underrated we love the jackson they're about to go on tour next year jackson's played the docks on saturday yeah no they didn't. Yes, they did. Tito won in Liverpool. Jack was taking pictures of him. Tito. Jack Jackson. Jack Finnegan, who will be here in 20 minutes time,

took a picture of Tito Jackson playing the trombone three days ago. Fucked. Over there. He was on the docks in Liverpool.

They should open for Oasis when they go back on tour. They were brilliant, apparently. They were doing all the classics, all four of them. Rockin' Robin in August. Robin around the Christmas tree. Christmas, Christmas, apparently. They were doing all the classics, all four of them. Rockin' Robin in August. Robin Around the Christmas Tree.

Christmas, Christmas, Christmas. Snakes on a Plane. All of the classics. They just do their Christmas albums. Snakes on a Plane. Pulp Fiction on. Ah, Sam's in this. So anyway, back to the Balkan War.

Hang on, that deserves it. So are you half Croatian, is that what you'd say? Or would you say... Half Yugoslavian? Yeah, so my mom... It's very confusing because my mom was born in Bosnia, Yugoslavia. But we're not Muslim. So we're, I guess, ethnically Serbian.

But then I did a 23 in me and it said we were Croatian as well. But if you ask my grandma, she's like, we are not Croatian, we are Serbian. So it's very tense. So I just she's like, we are not Croatian. We are Serbian. Okay. So it's very tense. So I just like to say I'm Yugoslavian. Because that country doesn't exist anymore. You can't prove it. It's not there.

You're half Yugoslavian and your dad is Italian. My dad's Italian-American and I spent all my summers in Croatia. I would go to Croatia for three months every summer growing up. And that's like my first language that I learned alongside English.

Cool. That is a cool mixture. Could you teach us some Croatian? Yeah uh yeah bam t mater is like fuck your mom yeah bam t mater yeah i love croatia when i went i went to split yeah it's awesome right so good like the little island tour of havar did you go to hula hula beach club probably well how old were you last year it was three years ago i went with gabby and our friends it's like fuck island like you go there and everyone fucks on that island and where's that again hula hula beach club everyone just i want to gatekeep it but actually

all the brits have already run it over but you go there and you will no you will get it we're still we're still a lot obsessed with Spain and Turkey. No, no, no. It's all Brits and Americans even now. I just went before I came here. But is it like the cooler sort of now? It's British teenagers. Right.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's cheap as well, isn't it? Relatively. No. Cocktails are $25. What? Wow.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they switched over to the Euro a few years ago and it's ruined the whole thing It's ruined the operation Oh I went to Croatia A few years back And it was cheap It was like a

When it was still the Kuna It was in 1938 So it was really When I went It was the Kuna I didn't know they changed You went during the war You were like

No one was going For some reason Easy I remember this 30th Yugoslavia Do you know What the sad thing is i have been to yugoslavia you've been to a country that doesn't exist anymore have you yeah i went skiing in yugoslavia in the late 80s no how old are you i am 403 um i my first ever skiing holiday was when my dad

got into skiing and he couldn't really afford to go good skiing. And I think they worked out that, you know, about to be war-torn Yugoslavia was pretty discount. So we went skiing in Yugoslavia.

Right. It's like going skiing in the West Bank now. You're like, let's go. It'll be cheap. It's easy. So I have been to, I've been to Tito's Yugoslavia.

You've been somewhere that doesn't exist yeah that's fucking mad you went there every summer yeah and you you we got on our research you studied abroad as well so you well traveled argentina i said yeah it's so crazy that you guys know that it's mad isn't it that's weird har Harry in the corner. Our own little Richard Osman. You are in charge of the subreddits that I'm on. It's you writing the post. Why Argentina? Boys? What?

Boys. Well, always boys are part of the equation. But I don't know. That's where somebody I knew went and they told me it was cool. And I was sick of going to Europe. What did you study? Awareness and troublemaking. Yeah.

Well, I don't even need to answer my own questions since we have... Isn't it troublemaking? Troublemaking was my major. Is it practical or is it research? This feels very much like a Liverpool Hope Uni style movie. Shit, James Bond. You go to Buenos Aires Tech.

No, no, no. So I went to NYU, but I went to a school at NYU. That sounds so cool, but I don't know if it is. No, no, no. So I went to NYU, but I went to a school at NYU. That sounds so cool, but I don't know if it is. No, it's obviously not. And you make up your own major. And so I called mine awareness and troublemaking, but it was just like political satire.

I wanted to be like a comedy activist. And what do you do now? This. A lot of this. Just sort of talking about the major. Any activism in your comedy? No. No?

No, no, no. So at what point did you get rid of the activism and just focus on the comedy? Immediately the second I graduated. Fair enough. So what's that course entail? What do you do? Huh?

What do you do? What's troublemaking? Well, in my head, it was like causing a ruckus. You know, like ruffling feathers in the establishment this is when i really had hope that i could like change the world you know and now i just i feel like my comedy makes the world a worse place potentially yeah but it sells doesn't it but it sells money money money no there's no money in comedy also so patreon.com slash have a word pod.

Never mind. And now a word from our sponsors. I'd love to go to Argentina, but basically just because I got told that the cocaine there was unbelievable, I probably wouldn't come back from Argentina. Yeah, it was $7 a gram. No.

What? I guess that's why I went. It's like £3.50 as well, isn't it? Oh, I know. And it's like a farmer's market straight from the source. But the, so there was like a place you go to buy cocaine. There was like a door and you would knock on the door and then you'd open and people with guns would, would be there with like full rifles and machine guns. And they'd hand you like a little bag and you're just like a girl, like,

hi. And the last day it was a setup. So the police set up cause the police know about it. And they set up the guys with the guns. And so the kids from my program who went to buy cocaine got arrested but then they just paid off the police a hundred dollars and got out yes mate i love south america sounds so great it's pretty rock and roll yeah the police surely the police would just play ball and get yeah because argentinian police don't want to try and put American kids in prison, do they? That's a whole load of bullshit. It's all corrupt. So they're just like making an extra $100

off the sting operation, you know? Yeah. We should do that. We should set things up, make some money on the side. How are we going to do that? Argentinian drugs thing. Where are you going to get drugs from?

Argentina. I'll go to Argentina. Fly to Argentina, get some drugs, give the busies 100 quid so they let you fly at home. Take a $100 note. This will get me out of anything. See you, lads.

Foolproof. That's enough. Yeah, I've always liked the idea of South America. My mate is on a trip around Thailand and Cambodia with his whole family. It's just done six weeks. done oh a family trip yeah six weeks yeah yeah it feels like that's where you do as a single man well apparently he's just the full moon party etc he's misjudged the timing on it and he's taken a nine-year-old and a seven-year-old and

his wife that was the wrong full-on trip isn't it yeah yeah yeah that's too big and we've just been to portugal for like a villa holiday where we sat on our asses and i was like he was like oh give us an update on the holiday i was like we haven't moved we've gone from an air con villa to a pool and back and he's in fucking cambodia that is such unreal tourism how old are the kids he nearly took six months off work at the nine and seven i think did you guys go backpacking at all in your lives no because we found comedy early and then all of a sudden i was 20 when i started he was like 18 19 18 and then all of a sudden you're like i don't want to fuck off for six months yeah because this is too good yeah especially if you get traction

early on and i that's one of the things i regret i would have loved to take a year out and you went backpacking i've been backpacking yeah where did you go i went uh columbia panama nicaragua and then i met a boy on a i was living on a sailboat i met a boy who lived in sweden so then i went with him to cuba he his job was taking care of a guy in a wheelchair so i went and took care of a guy in a wheelchair with him in cuba illegally because americans weren't allowed in cuba at the time and then i ran out of money because it was cuba was far and then i went home and then i had my mom buy me a flight to sweden to be with him then we dated for a year what happened to the man in the wheelchair got left in cuba last time i saw was in cuba no i don't know i don't know so focused on the

swedish guy you get to sweden you're like what happened to keith in my head it was Hector Salamanca. How long were you in Sweden for? I went six times in one year to the fifth largest city in Sweden, Linköping. What? Linköping. Linköping. It's a city no one has ever been to.

It really sounds Chinese. It does, doesn't it? Is it the Chinese quarter of Sweden? Linköping. Maybe it's just the way I'm saying it. Sounds like a great table tennis player. Yeah. What was his name?

My ex? First name? Logan. Oh, that's so American. He wasn't Swedish. I thought he was Swedish when I met him. He had a weird accent because he had been living in Sweden for eight years. Then I slowly realized as we were hooking up for the first time

that he had a tattoo of the state of Texas on his calf as well as a peace sign and a yin- tattoo and then i was like are you not swedish and he was like oh no i'm from texas and i was like huh but i was it was already too late did that make him less sexy yeah but i dated him for a year still and he broke up with me obviously why did he break up with you um distance he broke up with me when i was sitting at the 9-11 memorial did he know oh come on yeah i've been broken was sitting at the 9-11 memorial did he know oh come on yeah i've been broken up at the 9-11 memorial twice no stop going once for each tower yeah what stop going well i used to work at the world trade center so i would always take phone calls sitting at the fountains and twice i've been called and

broken up with while i'm staring at the towers. Well, what was the towers? Never forget. Yeah, so I can't go back there anymore. No, you can't. That's the worst thing that's happened at the 9-11 memorial. Just don't go anywhere near that memorial. Just stay clear of any monuments. You're just crying next to the memorial.

It really feels like... Yeah, people are like, what a fucking patriot. Oh my God. It's a perfect place to get broken up with. Logan! Yeah. How long have you been doing comedy? Eight, nine years.

Oh, wow. Okay. That's a long time. Have you had any other jobs? Yeah, I worked as a video director for a bunch of magazines. That's where I met Noel Gallagher. Yeah, yeah, GQ. You've met Noel Gallagher?

And Vogue. Yeah, I met Noel Gallagher. That's classic. He's a dickhead. Was he? Yeah. Like, in what way? Like, he was, like, five hours late to the shoot he was like snapping at people he had a sunglass like classic like rock star behavior but it was like he was trying to be a rock star he's fuming

he's mad no i think honestly that's the reports we've got that noel's a bit of a dick you've been honest about it i'd want him to be a dick oh he's such a cuck yeah it felt inauthentic though it's like you're trying too hard to be a dick so you think he's a nice guy pretending to be a cunt no I think he's a cunt

pretending to be an even bigger cunt right okay tickets on sale Saturday morning how does that make you feel genuinely I kind of like it do you he's a rock star isn't he why don't you want him to be lovely

he's not a rock star he's a bellend from Manchester he's got a guitar he is a rock star do you like why don't you want him to be lovely he's not a rock star he's a bellend from Manchester he's got a guitar he is a rock star do you like when girls are mean to you in bed what he does I don't

spit on me he does I've not had anyone be mean to me in bed have you not not mean but like but like a little dominating your music's shit

no I've I've never been dominated that's in the trailer they're just you're making it. I didn't say have you. I said, would you like that?

Have you been choked, Finn? Yeah. Was that good? Yeah, it was all right. There you go. She wasn't dominating you. What was she doing? Apologizing while choking you?

I can imagine you have very polite sex. I don't think he's a nasty little boy, you know. It's always the quiet ones, as they say. No. Steph, can you know it's always the quiet ones as they say no steph can you mix it if someone's like listen i like to be i like the dirty talk can you just go in that gear oh can i do like a improv yes and okay and i'm like you're a dirty boy it's i think dirty talk is so hard it's easier for you though because you've got the accent. What do you mean? American accent lends itself more to dirty talk than ours.

Yeah. Have you heard their voices? Is that true? Yeah, listen. Yes. But you can get away, if you're a fucking American, with saying anything, and I would just think you were saying something because I can't understand anything you're saying. So I'd be like, oh, that's good.

It probably wouldn't have been either. Yeah. I don't know. I think- Luis Garcia's goal was definitely over the line. Sound, oh, that's good. It probably wouldn't have been either. Yeah. I don't know. I think... Luis Garcia's goal was definitely over the line. Sound, yeah. Keep talking dirty. There's realistically only five things you can say in dirty talk.

There's do you like that? Yeah. Yes. Fuck me. Fuck me. Don't super cut this together. I'm not a question. Put it on your fucking subreddit.

What's the three of the five? Go on. Your pussy is mine. Oh, ownership. Fuck me. Your pussy is mine. It's the man saying all of that. Do you like that?

Fuck me. That pussy is mine. Do you remember Louis Garcia? Kevin Jones. Is you remember Louis Garcia? Kevin Jones. Is he sponsoring the podcast? No, I don't like questions. You've run out. I don't want an A and B.

You've run out at three. Hold on, hold on. What do you mean? I don't want an A and B in sex. We should both say an A. You're all right. I don't want that. Because then if you don't hear them,

you have to go, what? Oh, you should never say what. You don't say what you say. Say that again. You guys should be them, you have to go, what? Yeah, you guys- Oh, you should never say what, George. You don't say what you say, say that again. You guys should be like, you okay? You okay? You're okay, you're all right. Stop, stop. Can I help you?

You guys always say, you okay? What's wrong with that? You mean when you arrived before, I noticed you checked up before you went, you okay, mate? And she went, so weird being asked if you're okay. It's so weird. It's just polite.

But I feel like it feels so British because it feels like you're okay. It's so weird. It's just polite. But I feel like it feels so British because it feels like you're already assuming something's wrong. Because she's American? It's already negative. Like, you okay? No, it's us trying to fix it. We're starting from a place of deficit immediately. No, you come in and go, yeah, I'm a bit thirsty.

We would fix that. Right. No, but that's not why I was doing it. It's just a greeting, isn't it? Yeah. Like, where I'm from, you go, you all right? and it's not an actual question you're just gonna go hello yeah it says hello yeah yeah when people don't get that and they go actually i'm not you're like that is not what i was doing in the u.s if you said you okay they'd be like yeah why does something

seem wrong but in the u.s you'd say how you doing yeah how are you or you'd say what's up yeah yeah what's up but i think nothing but fuck off leave me alone if you walked or you say what's up yeah that's the same yeah what's up but i think but i fuck off leave me alone if i if you walked in and i said what's up you go what yeah that's the same yeah it's still jarring yeah but what's up feels kind of positive whereas you okay it's like what's your like you're looking bad are you okay the opposite it was it's just the opposite like if i said to him what's up? I would only say that if he looked sad. But like, you okay? Like that's just like a,

that doesn't even, it's got no thought process behind it. It's just like an automatic. You okay? Yeah, so. But if you went, what's up? I'd be like, why do I look sad? Huh.

And the Scouts one is, how are we? How are we? How are we? How are we? How are we? I like that. That just sounds like you're a, do you guys sound retarded? If I walked into the pub and seven of my mates...

He does. It sounds like you're a toddler. You can say it. A toddler with learning problems. How are we? If I walked into a pub and seven of my mates heard it, and I'm a little bit late, I'd sit right down and go,

how are we? Uh-huh. And they'd all be like, what's happening, lad? Yeah. But so then what do you ask if you actually want someone to answer the question how you doing that's your eyes you look a bit you're upset a bit long in a pub is that how are we you look a bit upset are you all right it'd be you all right that pussy's mine sorry wrong chat no in the pub, in the pub, like, I wouldn't ever...

If one of my mates looked sad in the pub in a group of seven, I'm not having that serious conversation at all until the other six have gone to bog. They all go to bog together, I'd be like... Why have they gone to bog together? Fucking level. I've got something to ask you. Before we get into your problems,

what's going on with these six shit in the toilet? The bog is the toilet, by the way. The bog. Bog. It's a nasty word. Does that say loo? No. Yeah.

You're confusing us with Hugh Grant in every film he's ever been in. Right, right. I'm going to the loo is not, like, it's not like you'd be like, who the fuck are you? If I was sat with you and I said, just before we go, I'm going to go to the loo, you'd go.

It's like posh. You'd go on a fucking table, that's right. Hello. I'd say I'm going to the loo. Going for a burst or? What about going and spend a penny?

Spend a penny? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that having a shite? Is that taking a shit? No, it's going to go to the toilet. Spend a penny? I'm going to go

and spend a penny. That is an old school. I'm going to the toilet. It's a penny? I'm going to go and spend a penny. That is an old school. I'm going to the toilet. It's a toilet. Public toilets used to cost a penny. Oh. If I say to you,

I'm going to the toilet, I'm doing a poo, aren't I? Yeah. Oh no, he goes, I'm going to go and do a nasty muck. It's never as... I say that to yous

in here because it's funny. I'll say I'm just going for a muck. But if I'm at home, I'll go, I'm going to go and use the toilet.

That's not true. With a girl, he's not going to say muck, is he? He's not going to go, I'm just going for a muck, but if I'm at home, I'll go, I'm going to go and use the toilet. That's not true. With a girl, he's not going to say muck, is he? He's not going to go, I'm going to use the toilet. No, I do say that. No, you don't. No, I actually do. You say things like, I'm going to go... And if I'm being really subtle,

or if I've been with someone long enough that they know that I've got a bad stomach, I'll make a joke about it, and I'll be like, I'm just going to count how many sinks there are in the bathroom, I'll be back in a minute. And then I'll come back in and go, one. That's a question. Do you announce, if you're with a partner, that you're going to count how many sinks there are in the bathroom I'll be back in a minute and then I'll come back in and go that's a question, do you announce if you're with a partner that you're going to the toilet

or do you just get up and go to take a shit I mean it doesn't matter what you're doing I think it depends on the relationship right past a year once you're in Sweden for a year, once you've got citizenship I'm not saying I'm going to go for the shit,

but if you're watching the television, would you go, I'm just going to the toilet, or would you just go? Once you've got citizenship. I think I'd say I'm going to go pee. You're in the embassy, you get given your card, lovely, going for the shite. So you go and pause and go, I'm going to take a pee.

No, I'd be like, I'm going to the bathroom, you can keep watching. Or if I'm going to shit, I'd be like, I feel bad, I'm going to go to the bathroom. can keep watching or if i'm like if i'm gonna shit i'd be like i feel bad i'm gonna go to the bathroom i think those eggs were bad if i was sat next to you and you went i feel bad i'm gonna go to the bathroom i'd be like are you okay and i'd be like you're not actually wondering because you're just saying you okay i feel bad i feel bad all girls have tummy issues so girls don't poo. Girls poo a lot. I'm sorry to...

Do girls poo more than boys? I'm going to clarify that right now. Girls poo and talk about it all the time amongst ourselves. There's not a girl on the planet who could out-poo me. No, you're the exception. Ew. You're the LeBron James of pooing. Why do you guys know that?

Oh, like, this is a very open and honest podcast. What, his Ibs or lebron james girls poo more than boys no they don't but we talk about it because we always have stomach issues we're always trying to solve them with different potions like if girls are at brunch they're talking about their stomach issues and their bowel movements and boys and that's it that's all girls talk about we should talk about shitting in girls we don't though do we we talk about good stuff i think guys don't talk about girls as much all girls talk about. We should talk about shitting in girls. We don't though, do we? No. We talk about good stuff.

I think guys don't talk about girls as much as girls talk about boys. Not even close. We would never go out and talk about girls. Never. Your guy friend could be dating a new girl

and you wouldn't even find out about it for months. Him? He does that? Did you do that? Yeah, he does that. He'd be like, oh yeah, I've been seeing her

for six years. We're married. There's me kids. Boys are very, much more secretive yeah if i make eye contact with a boy i'm telling i'm putting that in seven group chats that day i've been in relationships before right and i've come back from hanging out with just you and like to be like so where are we getting on how are they i'll be like why why would i know

that they're like you've just been with them for 12 hours. Like, yeah, she's got twice as much to match. Yeah. As we're growing up, we're talking more about our feelings and relationships. Yeah.

But boys don't do that nowhere near as much as girls. You're on the group chat going, oh, this guy looked at me on the train. Yeah. Hey girls, am I being banged out of order

or not? I've just like done this and like he hasn't even this. Then tell me what I like. We text our friends after sex. There's no privacy. Whatever you are doing with women,

other women know about it. Good. All women. All women. There's like an underground tunnel network of women. Good. Communicating.

Glad we're just spreading. I thought my missus was just going on Instagram. Apparently she's just telling them. Not instantly. You don't get off and then. What do you mean? Well, as a comedian, I do. I feel like I tell the world i thought my missus was just going on instagram apparently just just telling the instantly you don't get off and then what do you mean well as a comedian i do i feel like i tell the world everything i mean but you don't climb off the map and go oh no no no group chats you wait a little

bit yeah and it's like 10 different group chats and they're all just variations of the other group chat there's like one person not there's just just one person missing so there's just two people who run the whole thing yeah the admins yeah yeah but you're going into like proper details proper details it's my bad

not with 10 group chats with a partner what if you got it what if you did the wrong group chat and you did family Christmas by it's happened it's happened I've heard of it happening

sorry nan if you were the long term partner you would tell your friends the sex you just had? Or is it a new boy? No, I don't think it's like with a long-term partner, unless something crazy happened. Sorry, he's made himself laugh.

Adam just sort of quickly came up with what women would text. I've just squirted all over a lamp. What kind of sex are you having? Lamps. Well-lit sex. Just soft lighting. Yeah. Lamp-based lighting light the ring lights well lit like you

have to have a lamp on when you fucking no one fucks in the dark unless you are a serial killer if you fuck in the dark shagging in the dark's great no no no you don't want the big light on like you fucking doing a deep clean or moving out as a teenager you do because you're a bit like and then when you realize sex is fine, you turn all the lights on. Not all the lights. Not downstairs, but I like having a light, mate. What about if it's the blitz?

No, occasionally a dark. You were there. A dark bonk. You slam it. Turn the blitz. Dark is the worst. It's so bad. Your connection's going to weaken.

I think sometimes it's more connected physically because you're not... Or you've got... It's like a sensory deprivation tank. It's like when you eat food in a restaurant where they turn all the lights off and you can't see it and you're supposed to taste it better.

Other senses are... What rational is this? You've never heard of this? Do you guys know what I'm talking about? It's like the Skittle game. I played the Skittle game in the cinema. What's the Skittle game? I'll get a handful of Skittles and I'll give Seneca one.

Then you fuck someone in the dark. I'll give her a yellow Skittle and she'll go, yellow. She's not special. Makes you eat in the dark so that it heightens your taste sensors. I've only seen it in movies. I've never gone. But it's like fine dining. You eat in the dark.

You sit at a table. You don't know who you're sitting next to. And then you eat the food. I'm a fucking shy. Danse le noir in London. Dine is in the dark. It wasn't going to be in fucking Rotherham, was it? Dine is eat in the dark served by blind waiters.

What? Sure. Do not wear a white shirt for this. The food's on the floor, isn't it? In the dark and the servers are blind. Take that to table seven. Served by waiters who are blind or visually impaired. I thought you didn't know what you'd eaten because they don't either.

I don't think the chefs are blind. It's all guessing. It's all braille. Take that to a table. They have to feel the food to know what the dish is. I'm going there by the way. What's the roasting of that? What's the roasting of?

Follow the sound! There's a bell in the food. It sounds awful. What's the new Love at First Sight is going love is blind love is blind that's it it's kicking off isn't it mighty the first sight as well so love is blind is the one that laura's just got got in my wife's really into it and she you know when she gets into a show

she's like oh my god you've got to watch and usually i'm like i don't it sounds terrible love is blind i could see the appeal watch ironically Love is Blind as well. Love is Blind is where they talk like through the wall. I heard it, Steph. Yeah, it's good. Thank you. Yeah, they don't see each other. They do dates without seeing each other.

They just talk. They go to this restaurant. And then decide who they want to meet up with. And then there's the, it's, as I'm saying, it's blind date, isn't it? It's just blind date. Why no wonder I like it.

It's the same TV show that I watched when I was a fucking kid. Well, it's regular. It's like blind people regular dating also. Is there any curve balls? Does anyone go in and put an accent on and be weird? No. That's what I'd do. No.

What accent would you do, Carl? Colombian. Go for it. Hello, man. I'd do that to the door. That's Colombian? Have you been to Colombia? No. You should go for it hello man i'll do that to the door that's colombian have you been to colombia no you should go check it out no because i'm hello man they've never been to colombia either hello man colombia man but then you've got to keep they they then fancy you've got to

keep that up no but i'd see if they fancied me without the colombian this i think they might hello man I'm a Colombian. She'd be like, thank fuck, that was the weirdest thing about you. Exactly. No, I'd be horrible and then I'd be like, hey, I'm not. And then he'd be like, oh, thank God. He's lovely. Yeah.

I don't really know what to add to that. And then they get engaged the first time they see each other. Engaged? Yeah. It's blind date with higher stakes they get married they get married don't they cast relatively attractive people though right yeah which kind of defeats the troll in the jungle apparently there was a troll wow there was a semi troll yeah and the reveal was and you could see the guy's face blind On Love is Blind He'd chosen the person he had the best connection with and then they did the reveal and you could see it in his face like

you're a moose On Love is Blind? That's not just in his face though They have to have one uggo on the show to make it fair They should be half ugly people They need to up the stakes Yeah They should do an open application Love Island, I think.

And it should just be like, they should put it in like some supercomputer and the most average looking people should get put in Love Island. Oh, I thought you meant just literally like the census. It's like from anyone. That could be like jury jury. You've got an 80 year old woman.

You've got a 22 year old bloke. Love Island, but it's just normal, average people. Bang average Love Island. Yeah. That is so much more entertaining than Hotties. Yeah. What?

Paul Robinson, the goalkeeper. Former Leeds goalkeeper? Yeah. What? He's just really average looking, isn't he? What about Munters?

Do you not think Munters Island would be great? What's Munters? Don't call it that. Ugly people. Oh. What would you say? What did you say? Munters. Munters. What's Munters? Don't call it that. Ugly people. Oh. What would you say? What did you say?

Munters. Munters. What's that? I like a Munter. M-U-N-T-E-R. I don't know. I can't explain. It's like an ugly person.

It just is. Yeah, just an ugly person. Okay. If someone was really ugly, how would you... Ugo? An Ugo? Or like a four.

No, these aren't fours. These are ones. Yeah. Wands don't really exist you certainly never seen one in the wild what do you guys think about ugly hot what do you mean the theory of ugly hot yeah we don't know what that is yeah it's a it's something women invented because they had no other options left so they invented ugly hot which is a theory that some men are so ugly they're actually hot have you got an example benedict cumberbatch right he's not ugly though is it like anti-comedy when something's so not funny it becomes yeah but i think it's just i actually think it's a form of female desperation

that we're like there's no good men left we have to make something work there's an evil with like sexiest man alive huh benedict cumberbatch yeah ugly hot is powerful ugly hot's a powerful ideology anybody else yeah uh look up ugly hot actors okay there's a million oh um adam driver oh and then but then there's also hot ugly which is guys who are hot forward but if you squint your eyes a little bit they're ugly ryan reynolds pete david. Pete Davidson. Pete Davidson is ugly hot. Barry Keoghan. Ugly hot. I cannot hear his name

or see him anymore without seeing like he plays for the US men's. Jacob Elordi. He's just tall. Hot ugly. He's just tall.

Jacob Elordi is hot ugly. Yeah. No, he's just tall. Who's this? Jacob Elordi. Have you seen Salt Ben? No. He's just a new guy on the block. That Jeremy Allen White. Is that what he's called? Jacob Elordi. Have you seen Salt Ben? No. He's just a new guy on the block.

That Jeremy Allen White, is that what he's called? From The Bear? Ugly hot. Jeremy Allen White. Ugly hot. He's in good shape though, isn't he? Yeah.

He's doing underpant adverts. Yeah. And their personality can give them the hot. Is this just for men? Does this not work the other way around? It would feel like it would be wrong for women. No, we say mid. Don't we want a hot mid?

A hot mid? Yeah, so a girl who doesn't know she's attractive, she's an ugly she's just in the middle and she's like nice yeah emily and does pottery who she's called emily and she does pottery oh you're doing my bit oh you're doing my bit what's your what's your example of what i got um i got i've been cancelled a few times in my career very lightly but the worst anyone ever got mad at me is I went on this show on TikTok and I said that like all guys, all cool artsy guys think they want to date a cool artsy girl, but they actually want to date like a six. Her name's Emily. She's always in the background of photos. She's like really into Japan as a culture. She does pottery. She like loves like pomegranate.

You know, she's always like eating fruit and photos. She's always in the background of a photo as well. She's like, you can find her on the third slide of an Instagram carousel on her boyfriend's Instagram. And she's just like, you can really project a lot onto her, but there's, she's not giving you much. She's a blank canvas. Yeah.

She's a blank canvas. She's a muse. You can make a muse out of Emily. Whereas like a cool, hot, artsy girl, me, you can't make a muse of because we won't shut the fuck up so you can't really project anything onto us people got really mad at me for this girls and boys why emrata called me a misogynist who emrata the model she's a beautiful woman she's a bloodlines video she's infuriating she's a beautiful she called you a misogynist yes she's in the music video,

which is essentially a song about sexual assault. She's a cool girl, though, isn't she? She's the ultimate cool girl. No. No, I mean in a bad way, as in she's a cool girl, just giving men what they want. Oh, like a boys girl.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. She's very like, I hate men is her vibe publicly. She posts videos of herself of her of her getting cat called on the street and stuff she is beautiful though yeah i'd cat call her yeah when did she call you that on another tiktok she called she replied to that so there are a bunch of people then made response tiktoks to that video being like here are 10

reasons why this girl is a misogynist blah blah blah and then she was like she is a misogynist and then Mr. Beast commented like I agree with her like with me it's like thank god I got Mr. Beast on my side but it like really divided the internet there was like op-eds written about it isn't that sort of why you did it though you know no no no because I will say controversial things in my stand standup that are well thought out that I know are going to ruffle feathers. This was like a hungover, whatever take that I just spewed. And I thought that I was making fun of men for like claiming they want something, but always going for something else. But people really took it as I was like putting women down. Okay. Well, and in reality, you know, you managed to do both and that's the dream. I think you should be able to put everyone down. That's true equality.

You know what i mean i actually totally agree and i actually understand what you're saying as well you know the the girl that loves japan her and her boyfriend always go to japan for cherry blossom season yeah somehow they're always there in april what do you think about the men who go like that it's always like creative directors. Oh, Steph, you have nailed this in so many different ways. Ah, you've been rumbled,

had he? So Carl and his fiancée are planning a trip to Japan next summer. And have been to Japan. He's essentially our creative director

and they lived in Japan for a year and it was her idea. She's a 10 and she's on the first picture. What's her name? Serica. Serica? It's Irish for Sarah. Sure.

Sure. Thanks for translating. She's a wonderful woman. Does she have mousy brown hair? Like a light brown? No, she has beautiful blonde hair. But is it dyed? Nope.

Oh, okay. She passes the test then. She's a 10 as well. These girls usually have like ay brown hair like a light brown beautiful blonde hair but is it dyed nope oh okay she's a she passes the test then these girls usually have like a light brown hair and they're five six people yeah yeah they're from new hampshire not my woman hashtag not my women yeah that people got really mad at me for that so am i shall we uh should we call a break and car can have a little chill yeah hey and we're back part four of four have you steph dag yeah got anything you would like to fuck off forever and put in room 102 a lot yeah i would say the first would be grown men wearing fun socks women hate men having a good time you know i'm not massively against women hate men period but it's like what are you doing wearing a palm tree on your ankle

pick something up and put it down fun ties fun ties get fucked get out of here too far yeah socks are just for me you can't even see them why are you looking at me feet but so what's the point why should men have anything for themselves that's gross that's gross a grown man with minion socks what about underwear underwear? What if you take a man's pants off and he's got like Superman underwear? Iron man pants on. Yeah, I won't be taking those off. Take them off myself, my strong independent man.

I don't think men should be doing anything cutesy or fun. It's like contribute to the stock market. Yeah, but I am contributing to the stock market of big sock. How big are they? 40 socks. Look, I don't even... I've took offence to this. I like the idea of wearing fun socks.

I don't. The only reason I don't do it, the only reason I don't, is I'm so rushed getting ready every day. I like having a million black Nike socks. They never need to be paired. I just wash them, dry them, throw them in the drawer, and I repair them. And then when I get up the next day, I can just, they never need to be paid. I just wash them, dry them,

throw them in the drawer and I repair them. Yep. And then the next, when I get up the next day, I can just put them on. Yes.

But I love the idea of having the time and energy and the patience to match the socks to the outfit. Jack's got blue socks on now and he's working it.

That's fine. I think that's not what's being said. Abolish patterns in general. This is not, that's not being. You've got patterned

socks on. Yeah. That's plaid, isn't it? This is not, that's not being. You've got patterned socks on. Yeah, that's plaid, isn't it? This, I, I'm a girl. All right, okay. I mean, but like. I thought that was right. Humor, like trying to do jokes with your socks. That.

Like. Don't try to be funny. Yeah, come on. What about odd socks? Body banter. Fuck off. What about little ducks on your socks? Ducks?

What about the ones with the days of the week on it? That would mean you have a weird sex thing. If you have ducks on your socks, it'd be like you have a weird sex thing. Of course I do. Everyone does. And anyone who doesn't have a weird sex thing hasn't got it out of them yet

and they're probably killing people in their spare time. Are you fucking ducks? I think you nearly said sleep. Everyone's got a weird sex thing. He's sleep murdering again. Don't wake him. You think everyone has a weird sex thing. He's sleep murdering again. Don't wake him. You think everyone has a weird sex thing? It's weird to other people, yeah.

Have you ever met anyone who doesn't? Have a weird sex thing? Yeah. I've met vanilla people, yeah. No, you've met liars. Okay, what's your weird sex thing? We've told ours a million times, what's yours? I don't think I have a weird sex thing. We've told ours a million times, what's yours? I don't think I have

a weird sex thing. Not weird to you. No, but like, people's definition of weird is different. I leave my duck socks on in bed. Yeah,

girls leaving their socks on. Class. That is sexy. Yeah. I think having sex with men, the number one killer for women is a weird sex thing. Yeah, it is.

It's an old mental. It's like flirting with danger. Why would you come near us? So it's a very dangerous move. Yeah, it is. It's an old mental. It's like flirting with danger. Why would you come near us? So it's a very dangerous move and you keep doing it. Yeah, we're not smart. Do you genuinely think there are some people

that are just straight down the line and they're just like, oh, I've got a penis and it's going in a vagina. Yeah, I think so. I think if someone introduced, I think some people don't have the imagination

to even know that they could want something else. I talked to one of my mates about porn, and I was like, he's not one of my mates that we've done loads of laddie chat like that. And he was like, yeah, just like porn with a woman having sex.

They just have sex. They're like, yeah, but would you? What pain is being inflicted on her? He was like, no, no, no. That's all. That's it that's the most boring thing i can ever imagine but like even like porn is so much more adventurous than their life as well i'll watch stuff that i don't want to be within a one mile radius 100%

that's the fun of it is that it's detached isn't it but he was like no no i just need to see an attractive woman have sex with a man you're like oh my god but that's also what i would watch oh i want a story i I want a character arc. You need the story. If someone's just getting sucked off from minute one, you're like, how did this happen?

I need a bit of story on the prequel. Because then you put yourself in it then. I'd be fixing the boiler as well. Yeah. Have you ever seen porn where he's fixing a boiler? Yeah.

I think that's just hack, you know? No, it doesn't work. I've seen plumber ones. I haven't. I do like the story, but sometimes I'm just like, let's just No, it doesn't work. I've seen plumber ones. I haven't. I do like the story, but sometimes I'm just like, let's just get, like, depends what mood I'm in.

I need no story. Am I looking after myself? I need zero story. Nothing. What story do you need? You're there to have a wank. There's a dick. There's a mouth.

We're all having fun. The fuck? I don't need plumbing involved. I can imagine it more if that could be me. If it's just a guy, I'm like, how did this happen? You don't know what to do with a boiler.

I do. I need a moment before. There's Paul where you call Peter. Call someone. Yeah. My partner will be ringing the handyman while I shag the woman. All right, mate, can you come fix this boiler?

I'm going to fuck me bed. All right. Probably do this separately. That was like my life. I'll say this. If you want the fun, wacky socks on men can we have the backpacks that have got like animals on them for women i gone i want those gone yeah that's horrible once you pass like 14 years old i don't like anything cutesy men or women i think it's embarrassing

grow up become like kinky not cutesy cutesy is disgusting i'm putting an age limit on a unicorn backpack go on let's just think 15 14 14 still you shouldn't be 30 i'm like or like you know when people have like miniatures like keychains like miniature like fruit on it or something like girls it's the same girls that really like japanese stuff what do you think about men she doesn't like japanese stuff we just moved what do you think about men with wallets with wallets as opposed to just like carrying cash in their pocket i think wallets are respectable they show you have your shit together no they don't uh can we vote on the socks like dan can have a wallet you can't pull a chunky old wallet have you got your wallet on you no it should be a thin wallet oh no

it shouldn't have a fold it's like a couch it's like that sofa yeah he keeps it down the side and he carries it around like this swings it around he can keep his full house keys in it

that's a purse that's alright that's a purse that's respectable that is fine that's that a card holder

like if Carl had one of them, I'd still be like. I've got it on my phone. Yeah, no, no, no. That's not that though. That's not that. Like this is still a bit much for you. You wouldn't have one of them,

which is why you haven't got it. And it's like, I actually respect them. I think the sound. I also don't mind a fold one. If it still remains thin, the one Finn has got looks like his granddad made it.

Like that thing. To celebrate the war being over. It could kill you with it. Cash and cards. It's a purse. the one Finn has got looks like his grandad made it to celebrate the war being over it could kill you with the cash and the cards it's a purse oh he's got all the cards

it is a purse yeah it's a purse he's got his childhood library membership card there isn't any bit of plastic he's thrown away he's ready for everything

organ donors or the library Matalan if he dropped his wallet right and like they gave it to the police and the police put a sign up to find the owner

because it didn't have his ID in it. They would be like, we're looking for a man between the age of 45 and 103. There's not a chance. You'd go to collect it and be like, I've lost my wallet. And they'd be like, is it this one? You'd be like, yeah.

They'd be like, no, it's not. They'd be like, it's still where you dropped it because it's too heavy to pick up. Do you take it on dates? Yeah. What's, I don't get it. Do you know what? He uses it to club the woman.

Finn's having a very vulnerable day. Let's leave him be. You're fine, Finn. If you turn us, if someone turns up to a date with a big bulge in their body, what's that? Are you a Matalan man?

No one's ever referenced it. You don't need an impromptu trip to Costco on a date. Yeah. Right, I want to put socks in. Can we vote on the socks? No.

Yes. Men can have fun. It's three to two and it's gone. Yes. What else have you got, Steph? Videos of little kids breakdancing on Instagram. I think it's weird. Little kids shouldn't be moving like that.

Do you mean? I don't think we've got the same algorithm. You don't see videos of little six-year-olds doing weird breakdances. You guys know what I'm talking about. No, we see tits and shoes. You've never seen these videos? So there is something over here

that's like dance classes. I'm going to have to be careful. No, I'm not. I'm going to say exactly what I think. It's like Gypsy Techno. Kids kids dance hall stuff have you ever seen this they're like in neon ballroom like dresses and then they go it's like a dance thing you think it's going to be ballroom dancing but it's like happy hardcore and then the kids just do any fucking move they want and it's manic they're like kind of crumping

and stuff it's full-on yeah and that's a massive thing in this country yeah huge it's it's very weird no no that is it's it's that is a i literally don't get it saturday afternoon you go in like the zara or the tesco it's just kids dressed like gypsies break dancing in the bread aisle yeah it's not in clothes shops and supermarkets. I don't know if I explained that properly. I've never seen this. It's like videos from dance classes. You surely are aware of it.

I don't go on TikTok and I don't watch kids dancing. Cool. It's a fun chat. Thanks for adding to it. I know where the comedy lies. Shut that down. That is furious. I've never seen what either of you are talking about.

How do you not know what I'm talking about? I don't know if we get a lot of the kids breakdancing over here. Why am I getting that? We get a lot of Australian women not breakdancing. Because you're watching it. Yeah. But I didn't ever look it up to begin with. Yeah, but what I mean is the algorithm sent you here

and you've watched it being like, look at this fucking stupid video. God, this is fucking stupid. Why am I even watching this? And then it's like, because the phone isn't listening to you say that. It is, but that's for other reasons. Like, you've watched it all, so it's gone,

oh, we'll send Steph more of that. Whereas when the first one of them got sent to me, I was like, kids dancing, no! And I swiped away, and they were like, he doesn't want that because he's not a pedophile. Pedophile. That's who I am. Yeah, it it's like i get videos of kids ballroom dancing break dancing that's weird yeah you need to work on your algorithm yeah you can consciously override this by just swiping them right just like no i gotta stop looking up like flights i don't think you're getting this one because no one knows what you're on about

and also over here the one that's bugging me these lot don't even know it so I don't think we're getting this through okay whatever but he's got kids so I get it he's got is there anyone else here you just completely missed the thing

I missed the gov that's not going. I really don't feel well today. What's your last one? Okay, I have one more. The last one is the European healthcare system. I'm sorry. I want to be able to go to a European pharmacy,

get opioids like in America, and get better. I can't get a fucking antibiotic here. If you're sick here, you're sick forever. What do you mean by Europe, though? It's a big place. I mean, you a fucking antibiotic here. If you're sick here, you're sick forever. What do you mean by Europe though? It's a big place. I mean, you know what I mean. Everywhere that's not the US that's on this continent.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. So in America, you can just go into a pharmacy and be like, I don't feel well. Give me some heroin and they'll give you it. Pretty much. And you think that's good? That's the whole, yeah. Is this like Oxycontin and stuff like that?

Yeah, it's just like, feel like i go i have like a cold here because every time i come to europe i get strep throat which i do believe is an std you get what strep throat tonsillitis okay i always get sick when i'm here because you know you make out with a lot of boys whatever you go to the pharmacy they can't give you anything you have to like call a national health line to get an appointment to go to a doctor it's too much we're just trying to stop epidemics of drug addicts give give me all the epidemics of drugs opioids do sound fun though don't they it's just like i just want a strong cough syrup codeine sleeps are good yeah Yeah. Trippy. Yeah, it's just really bad.

Paracetamol? That's just Skittles. That doesn't work. Bad. Yeah. When people say, oh, I'm addicted to prescription drugs, you're like,

I don't know. It's just more fun drugs. Grow up. I don't think our prescription drugs are as fun as America's. No way. I think they're like strong. Remember when we went to Nashville

and I just, we went, oh, is it Walgreens? What's the ones that's the equivalent of boots? And I would like, I just had a bit of a headache over here. If you have a headache, you'll get some anodine or paracetamol or something like ibuprofen and you'll get them in like a pack of six or 12. That's the limit.

Here you get a hundred. It's a, it's a, it's a jar, like a cookie jar of ibuprofen. Like why wouldn't you need 1500? I take six Advils a day. Even when I'm not in pain, ibuprofen. And you think we're in the wrong? I'm not saying I'm in the right. I'm just saying that's what I want.

Six ibuprofen a day for no reason? Well, I always have a low headache. Because you keep taking ibuprofen. Yeah, whatever. Potato, potato. What's Adderall? Is that the... Adderall's the limitless pill, isn't it? It's scholarly meth.

I give that a fucking crap. Adderall's awesome. Have you had it? I've taken it, yeah. And is it just hyper-focused stuff? It's just modafinil. It's just modafinil. Modafinil, yeah, it is.

Well, the thing is you take it... Modafinil's an anti-narcolepsy drug. But no, it's used for the same reason. It's the same reason, and it's hyper-focused. No? Yeah, yeah, it is. Absolutely. Modafinil's used to focus and concentration.

People use it in university as a study drug. But it's probably really hard to get, right? It's not, you know, if you just go on the right website and lie about it. You know they have prescription ketamine in the US now. If you just keep saying you've fallen asleep a lot. Prescription ket?

I have friends that just, they did a Zoom call with a nurse practitioner and they're like, Oh, I'm a little depressed. And they're like, would you like to try ketamine therapy? And they're like, yeah, I guess I'll try it. And they get these ketamine lozenges and they do like, I mean're like fully you trip from them no it's like is it but it isn't like microdosing you're not going in a kale doses oh right no no no you've got a k-hole lozenge yes wow my friends have them as prescriptions we need to go back to america yeah it's pretty awesome the holes and adderall is i mean adderall is so bad for you but it's

it's like easy to get with it is it bad for you though yeah why addictive in a addictive it creates agitation yeah it's it's meth it has meth in it it's one like molecule away from meth or something i don't know how that works i haven't done meth it must be good yeah there's a shortage right now. Is there? Yeah. Because everyone wants it. Gen Z is like addicted to Adderall.

Yeah, we just have a coffee. The problem with Adderall is you take it being like, oh, I'm going to like write an essay and then you end up just like organizing your Google Drive

for 10 hours. Like it's never like what you want to concentrate on. Yeah. You have to do it in the right place. Yeah. I've never done it. It's good for exercise like the what you want to concentrate on yeah if they're in the right place yeah i've never done it's good for exercise it makes you want to run and gives you heart palpitations and it gives you heart palpitations and it makes you skinny sign me up it curbs your appetite have you taken six advil today or do you i've taken probably five Advil today already. The day has not ended. Wow.

It's 3pm. And a Mucinex and a Dayquil. What are these things? I don't know. I don't know what's going on. I've been tripping this whole time. It is? It literally is, yeah. You take Dayquil and Nyquil?

It's a caffeine one. So you take an upper and then a downer? Yeah. And I'm at a perfect equilibrium right now america's wild i don't think our health system's gonna end up going in room 101 you know i think it is quite superior to the u.s one you know where people like go to hospital and spend the rest of their lives trying to pay off the fact that they broke their arms it's free you just never get an appointment that's it's a different system i'm like the alcoholic running the meeting where you guys

are like, I don't want to be like that. We're keeping our health system. Have you ever called an ambulance? Have I ever called an ambulance? No, it would cost me $5,000, I think. Just to call them, by the way. Do you understand how insane that is? No, I understand our health system is terrible.

Obviously. But I want to be able to go to a pharmacy and get drugs easier i actually do think i actually do agree that i should be able to go to the pharmacy and buy any legal drug with no permission from a doctor i don't think you should have to go through a doctor to get the medication you know you need that is annoying and stupid or just seeing a doctor here is complicated yeah you have to like call a number yeah that's crazy what do you do just stand on the street shouting doctor doctor like we have urgent care so you can just go walk in like a walk-in clinic and then we've got walking and then we have um this website called zoc doc where you just look up the nearest doctor

near you for any practice and you can go that day but then you have to pay yeah i mean i have insurance so i'll probably that's private health or whatever private health you can do that over here as well yeah yeah but anytime i've gotten sick here it's been a fucking nightmare but you've tried private i've tried everything i've knocked on private practitioners doors in paris and they wouldn't let me in. Do you know what they'd say? Stop taking painkillers. One time I got strep throat in Portugal and they sent me to a makeshift hospital unit and they gave me a shot of steroids in my ass in front of a bunch of other patrons. That wasn't a doctor. Got the opioids you're after.

Got in that shed over there. You put a needle in your ass and feel vices raining. I just went to buy cocaine and then they shot me in the ass. Go in that shed over there. You put a needle in your ass and feel vices raining I just went to buy cocaine and then they shot me in the ass. They told me I had COVID. We can't. We're not playing. We're all very protective.

But I do think you should be able to get medication without going to a doctor. I know what I want. Like if I've got a bastard of a headache, I shouldn't have to ring

my, and I've ran out of codeine, which I've been prescribed before. I shouldn't have to ring my gp's office speak to that fucking cunt on the phone see what mood she's in whether i get to speak to a doctor and if 10 other people in my neighborhood get to got beat me to the phone call that day i've got to just have a headache for a few days but you understand why that exists yeah because it's not a great system though no but it protects people more people than it hurts yeah but like i i believe a lot more in adult responsibility than like yeah because you got your head screwed on most people haven't there's a there's a

antihistamine for kids that you have to get from a pharmacy like what are we doing it's just it's to stop people they've got a fucking rash yeah but like then then you shouldn't have access to anything that could be bad for you that you could get addicted to but do you guys still have drug addiction everyone here looks like they're on heroin already so it doesn't feel like

it's working for the week that's why yeah they're not looking great there's a lot of a lot more people getting damaged by alcohol than codeine

totally yeah I agree with that but you understand that they protect it because they can and they do yeah but there's a bit of a double standard there

isn't it like yeah because there's more money made on stop it and give me some codeine but there are health services that we're pretty proud of it even though it sort of doesn't work that well yeah the theory of it is phenomenal like we could stay in hospital for a year and have five operations and it would be zero pounds yeah good in theory bad in practice i've heard of it all before that's quite good in practice as well the operations one yeah i could break my arm today and by the end of today it will be in a cast right fully ready to be fully secured and on its way to recovery and it'll cost nothing but if i had a stomach ache then all hell would break loose we'll give you a steroid injection injection in your ass

in a tent uh we've got some other room 102s from listeners gc says room 102 people posting pictures of their kids first day at school or first day back at school after summer no one gives a fuck get it in room 102 i am i have a problem with anyone who has a problem with what other people post on their social media just don't follow don't look at it don't follow them mute them like there's so many ways for you to not see stuff on the internet Just don't look at it. Don't follow them. Mute them. Like there's so many ways for you to not see stuff on the internet you don't want to see.

Like let people post whatever they want. Like people just love moaning about what other people are doing. That's just people. It's probably someone who can't have kids being like,

oh, I don't want to see your kids. I haven't got any. Stoking their cats. And also a lot of people just copy what everyone else do. So they're like, oh, if you're putting pictures of your kids,

I get it. I've got kids and you get to September and it does feel like everyone's like because people are proud they're into the kids they love the kids people document and stuff like that because then in a year's time they get facebook memories of that and in five years they get it and i don't i don't i'm not like wow i scroll past but i'm like hey yeah These should be break dancing. Dylan Mooney. Dylan Mooney says, biscuit tins,

get them in room 102. No need to combine biscuits to go stale and leave you with 300 grams of crumbs. Everyone knows that biscuit tins are for sewing kits. I don't think there's anybody under the age of 60

who's got a biscuit tin. Who's got an active biscuit tin. God. There's a biscuit tin in your house. Oh, God. Not that it's not a sewing kit. Who's got an active biscuit tin. Oh, God. There's a biscuit tin in your house. Oh, God. Not that it's not a sewing kit. Those giant, like, circular things. Yeah, I've only seen those in context of sewing.

You've got a biscuit tin? Yeah. Laura started a biscuit tin. And I said this. I was like, what are we doing? They contaminate each other. They all go stale together. Yeah, and they get all the dust on each other.

Also, you've just got biscuits on the fucking... You need to hide biscuits. Fine having biscuits in the house, but it's different from having a tin every time you walk in the kitchen.

You're like, you don't have fancy fucking biscuit. I also think it's mental that anyone can buy a packet of biscuits and have them last long enough to need

transported into a new vessel. If I open a pack of biscuits, they're finished. They're gone. That is the snack. Yeah. A packet of biscuits. Maybe for two days. Yeah.. That is the snack. Yeah. A packet of biscuits. Maybe for two days.

Yeah. They might be there for two nights. Have you ever eaten one biscuit? Ever. That shouldn't be the serving size. The serving size on a packet of biscuits should be half a pack of biscuits. We get some epic size custard cream packets though.

Like they're not just the strip. It's like a quadruple. Yeah, because you've got a family. You do well to finish the full. I'd give it a go. I love a custard cream. Custy cream? Yeah, a crusty cream.

Have you had a custard cream? No. A bourbon? No. Have you had a penguin? No. So you'd say cookie? Yeah, cookie.

A cookie to us is a type of... It's a bit of a nana biscuit, really. Okay. Isn't it? It's a bit old school it's a bit of a nana biscuit, really. Okay. Isn't it? Like, it's a bit old school, a custard cream. Yeah. I like biscuits. I've never had a biscuit and been like, I wish I didn't eat it. They're always positive. Don't you have biscuits

at breakfast, though? When I'm here? No, but in the States, isn't it? Oh, no. It's a different thing now, isn't it? Oh, is it? Fried chicken and biscuits. What is it? It's not fried chicken and custard creams. That sounds great. If you went far enough south, I reckon you could probably

find that somewhere. Yeah. I don't even know what a biscuit is. It's nice though. What's a biscuit on breakfast? Like a breakfast biscuit? Yeah.

I don't know how else to describe it besides a biscuit. Yeah, it's like a pastry. Is it savory or sweet? It's a bit like a waffle, no? No? No. You mean like when you eat with fried chicken yeah yeah i don't know how else to describe it it's a scone yeah yeah

it's sconey okay but that's really like southern yeah you wouldn't really eat that in like new york or anything no i had it in nashville quite a lot. Biscuit love. Yeah, that gaff that had a massive cure out of it. Yeah, we went straight back when we got there this year. Class. With the sausage gravy. Oh.

It looked horrible though. I love Nashville. So much better than here. Jerry Sue Ollerhead says room 102 tall people at music concerts. I'm five foot and there's nothing more annoying

than a big lanky six foot fella standing right in front of me or near the front blocking the view. Sounds like you're a problem. Yeah, it's the look of the draw. Move.

Maybe there could be a tall section. But then you're penalised and have to go to the back. And also there's small, tall people. What do you mean? Is that like really high? But that was even the smallest, tall person you can see. What do you mean? What happens if everyone's 6'6 and you're 6'2?

You still class as tall, but you can't see either. Who the fuck are you going to see with the basketball trotters? Only tall people go to the... I think tall people are so privileged, generally, that having them at the back of concerts, that's the only bit you're allowed in, is sound. I think so too. I sat behind a tall person at a comedy show the other day

and it ruined the experience. Is tall an important attribute for a man? For me, no. No. Is small important, though? Like, they can't be small. No, sure, it's not a haley. I'd prefer if he wasn't shorter than me.

Okay. But I've dated shorter. I have a short brother. I'm 5'8". So you're quite tall. Yeah. Like, for a lady. Does he have to be, like like as tall as you without heels on or when you've got he's not allowed to wear heels i don't wear heels so i don't know i i've never dated a

really tall guy i've never had that experience i don't like like my friends like really tall masculine guys i think i like a guy who is a lesbian. You like male lesbians? I like man lesbians. And men who are my goal weight as well. Your goal weight? He's really skinny, yeah. Skinny lesbian men.

Skinny lesbian men is my type. Are you a lesbian? No. I like man lesbians. Super question, Carl. Is there any, who's that, Matty Healy? Is he one of them? Yeah, he's man lesbians. Super question, Carl. Is there any, who's that?

Matty Healy, is he one of them? Yeah, he's a hot man lesbian. I used to really like Timothee Chalamet, but that's over. He's a lesbian. He's too much of a twink now. He's a what? He's a lesbian, him.

Timothee Chalamet? Yeah. About Tom Holland? No. I like like, you need to look like you're on Death's Door. Dark hair, tattoos. He's a boy. He's a male gay. No.

He's like... That makes Zendaya a man. He's a man gay. No. Little Tom Holland's not. He's not a lesbian, though, is he? He's more gay

than he is a lesbian. That's a fact. I think he's just a straight bloke, isn't he? Yeah, totally. But he's a lesbian or a gay. Yeah, but if sexuality is a spectrum...

Like, he leans lesbian are we yeah 100 he's so mad at us today literally nothing nice been said today thanks guys let's all go around and say something nice you say something nice to finn about finn um i actually like that fleece You say something nice to Finn. About Finn. It's fine. I actually like that fleece.

I actually made it negative. I think your wallet is useful because it can be used for self-defense. It's about your clothes. Again, not about me. Thank you. You've got lovely eyes. Finn, you're a lot taller than... People think I'm stoned all the time,

despite sometimes I am. I've just got bloodshot eyes. Your skin is glowing as well. It's not. I've got bad skin. You're just being self-deprecating. Take the well. It's not. I've got bad skin. I've got bad skin. I've got bad skin. Take the compliments.

You ask for compliments, we give you them and you're like, oh no. I didn't ask for compliments. You're a big lesbian. I just said I haven't been getting any. You're a lot taller than you look.

This is all back on me. You're taller than your vibe. Oh my God. Okay. Small man energy, that's it. Small lesbian man energy. Got the energy of a man with a big dick who doesn't know

how to use it i mean if thing quits we know why though don't we yeah this lesbianism i've said this before a guy in our school said to our friend who's a bit uncool um you said you seem like one of them uncool guys with a big dick that sounds like a bit of you doesn't it that's what i like yeah like they're not cool but if the pack no no they are cool but they were like they weren't cool in high school because no one could appreciate how cool they actually were because they like liked good music and like read literature i like a guy who reads russian literature is depressed because of it and he's a lesbian and is a lesbian you must have had a class time at the Fringe, you know, because that is everybody up there. Yeah, a lot of goth magicians.

No wonder you went to Edinburgh for a week. Absolute avalanche. No, I have a boyfriend, and he is a comedian, and he reads Russian literature. Right, okay. So I found him. So that was just a big PSA for him. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's just you going. No, it's my type. My Jewish boyfriend who i was converting for looked like um jack sparrow from pirates of the caribbean you know he had like the mustache and the tattoos pirates of the caribbean we say it different caribbean when an american comes on we should change the name of the podcast so we say we say? Hey, what you on about? Have a word, the proper word. Let's do some other words and then get the fuck out of here. Craig says, Lids, I need you to have a word with my mate Paul.

We often meet up after work and go for a Nando's or a KFC or something and he brings his own sauce in. He's got this squeezy bottle of Chipotle mayo that he keeps in his bag and eats it with every food. I've been able to live with it in fast food places fair enough but the other night we had a little date night with our other halves a posh italian restaurant he brought out the bottle again from his coat pocket worst of all he left the bottle on the table so he could squirt more his fiancee just shook her head like

she'd seen it loads before but i couldn't believe he was doing it in a place that had actual table service. Have a word with this pedo behaviour. Love from Craig. This is just, this is like Staten and those, bringing his own ketchup. Did you bring your own ketchup? Yeah.

Or you just use it, they already have ketchup Staten. He just doesn't want to risk it. I'd do this, by the way, but I'd be, there'd be shame in my heart. You'd do this? I'd do it, and then I'd hide it. At a nice restaurant? I wouldn't be on the table. With what sauce?

I don't know, like hot sauce? A bit of hot sauce. At a nice restaurant, you'd pull out your own bottle of sauce. I haven't done it, but I'd do it. Oh, that would, no. Just a really good hot sauce. You know the Reds, the Wings hot sauce? Frank's hot sauce.

The Buffalo one. You know what? I would do it too, now that I think about it. But I would never leave it out. I'd do it with my wife. You order a Michelin star restaurant and you're whipping out Frank's buffalo sauce. Yeah, but if I'm at a Michelin star restaurant

and I'm already going to spend so much money, I want to maximize the experience. So if there's a sauce I really like, I'm going to bring it. Would you allow that? I mean, I think they'd be like, what are you doing? The chef would probably come up and be like,

are you fucking joking? Do you know who I am? Do you know who my dad is? Who is he? I'm Jeff Chef. He's massive. Jeff Chef. I actually picked the name Jeff

before I realized what the surname was going to be. Especially if you did that before you tried it, because like a Michelin star restaurant, that is the best food you've ever had. You can't believe how good it tastes once it's in your mouth. And they perfectly balance the flavours, which is why it's got a Michelin star. And you'll put Frank's hot sauce.

Yeah, but what if you want the balance of a little more hot sauce? Come on. I'll add an extra star. As a chef chef i'm offended oh because you're a michelin star chef no i remember i'm not but i'm a good one so i see a lot of baity like tiktoks and instagram reels where like an american goes into a italian restaurant in italy oh yeah and puts ketchup on the pizza italian what's that mean in italian what the fuck okay I've seen this. Oh, baffancu! Or the Italian.

What's that mean in Italian? What the fuck? Okay. I've seen that too. I think they're all fake, right? Are they? I think those are fake. I've seen that. I think the reaction's genuine.

Really? I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong. But I wouldn't fuck with Italians in Italy with that stuff. There's an Italian restaurant that has a menu and then to get pineapple, it's $100.

To add pineapple to the pizza? To add pineapple's $100. Do you guys like pineapple on pizza? I mean, I don't not like it. I wouldn't pick it. I think it's good. I can do it. I think it's good.

Pineapple and jalapeno. Weirdly works. Jalapeno. Jalapeno. And oregano. Oregano. Tortilla. Oregano.

Oregano. FJ says, wag wag lids have a word uh i have i have a word for you bit of a dilemma involving my girlfriend one of her close friends is having a party in a couple of weeks which starts at 5 p.m on friday all is well there however she is expecting me to take the whole day off work because all of them are pre-drinking together for the day at hers i've told her i'm not taking the day off work just to pre-drink that I'm happy to meet her at the party at 5pm when it starts after work. She hasn't taken this well at all

and thinks it's a good opportunity to meet and talk to all her friends. And my argument to that is I can do all of those things when I get to the party at 5pm and I don't think pre-drink warrants a day off work. We are currently saving up to move in together and so ideally need to be working as much as possible. Have a word with one of us as this debate needs settling. Nice one, Lyd. She's an idiot.

I mean, if it's a birthday. Her birthday. I think you get the special dispensation for a birthday. Is it her birthday, though? I don't think it is. No. Bollocks. Auto bollocks.

This girl sounds crazy. Yeah. She's fit. But why isocks. This girl sounds crazy. Yeah. She's fit. But why is he complaining about taking a day off work? Because he will lose the money. Oh, yeah. You guys don't have unlimited PTO or whatever. Do you?

I have unlimited. What? You can take as many days as you like? Yeah. As a comedian? Well, as a... I have like a TikTok show that's part of a company. I have unlimited time off. There's a lot of... And they still pay you? Yeah. Oh,... I have like a TikTok show that's part of a company. I have unlimited time off.

There's a lot of... And they still pay you? Yeah. Oh shit, I need a TikTok show. But there's this psychology behind it that if you have unlimited time off, you don't actually take as much time off because you feel bad.

A lot of American companies do this. What's the average? So it's 28 days in the UK. I don't think that would work with the British workforce. Most people only have 10 days off, I think, in the US. No, I mean, like, legally,

what do you get? What? What do you get legally? Is that, like, a regular thing for everyone to just go? I don't think there's a... Oh, really? No.

No, you agree in your contract. Nobody takes vacations in the US. It's dodgy with employment law over there, isn't it? Because it's scary. The unions and stuff. Like, it's a bit different. It's more unionized over here,

like minimum wage and whatnot. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I suppose. Yeah. So a lot of people only have like eight days pto how many do you take so many it's just so many i haven't logged into slack in a month and they're still paying you yeah mental class but i'm like but i like have a tiktok show I run it in the background. So there's not much like, you know. You must be good. Yeah. It's pretty nice.

But when it's your thing, we don't take a lot of episodes off. You hardly take any off. Adam only takes a month. I suppose we have that here, yeah. We have unlimited time off. We have a word, really. You just don't do it. Yeah, I'm never actually off because I have to post three times a week and I have to whatever so i'm never really actually off but i just i'm not really responding

to people on slack but no one's reaching out to me anyway yeah we don't do it because it damaged the brand any of us four going off lessens the show brand doesn't it like occasionally when we have a guest hosting people like oh that was a great episode but the listeners really want just all of us apart from that% of listeners who hate you and the 10% who hate Finn and the 10% who hate Dan. 50% of you. We'll set you up.

Weird little dig. I honestly think no one should be able to tell you when to take time off. I think it's a weird encroachment on your, like, fuck off. Yeah.

By the way, I love day drinking, but not on a Fridayiday when you're meant to be at work yeah you're not forced i'd take that day off yeah but like he's got every right to thought to fuck off you like a day drink i love a day drink more than a night drink oh day drinks well best night drink it's so much better the worst is though when you're day drinking with the idea that you're also gonna night drink you're not gonna make it no it's like people are like oh we'll take a nap we'll eat and we'll go back out you're never gonna leave the house you're done eating and napping is what

costs you there though you just go down you either have to keep going or what the second you stop it's over how's new york for boozing are we like do you end up in just one area are you in taxis loads um i don't know i i don't really go out that much because it's like if you're a comic you're really at the clubs at night so you're not like it's been a few years since i've like engaged that much but there is a lot of places you can like day drink and then walk around and stuff are you on tour steph are you touring or what's, where are you at with your comedy? Yeah, I'm about to start touring again in the fall. Me and Gabby are going on tour again in the UK

in March of next year. And I have more tour dates being announced. Where can we find all of that online? On my Instagram, at Steph Dags, S-T-E-F-D-A-G-Z. Well, thanks for coming in, mate. Thanks for having me thanks for having me this is fun

I've got some stuff getting announced over the next few days and next week some of the stuff might already be announced by the time this episode goes out

and if not keep your eyes out next week while I'm in Australia Dan is still doing some fiend shows yeah there's some

tickets available for Sheffield Southport, Darwin, but the rest are basically sold out. So, dannightingale.com for some of the Dan Nightingale and Fiend shows. Oh, we've got some big stuff getting announced soon, haven't we?

Oh, we have. Oh, it's announcement season, boy. Finn? Dan is doing the song this week. Oh, yeah, I found a music producer who I think is class. He's called Nimino. At Nimino Music. N-I-M-I-N-O. Dan is doing the song this week. Oh yeah, I found a music producer who I think is class. He's called Nimino.

At Nimino Music. N-I-M-I-N-O. This is going to be some of that unt, unt, unt music. It's got a little bit of unt, unt. It's called I Only Smoke When I Drink. And I fucking love this tune. I like also that he's about our level in terms of where he's at in his career.

It's about to blow up for him. I think when i found this on instagram stories on unreels he was at about 70 000 followers in the like three weeks since then he's up to 100 000 followers like it's about to kick off this is exactly my type of dance music uh so give namino music a follow should we has he got a song that we're playing for him yeah I only smoke when I drink this is what it's called Carl's zoned out there

I think and I only think about you you you Steph it's been a pleasure meeting you mate it's been nice meeting you

enjoy the rest of your time in the UK bye bye bye bye when I only think when I only think

when I only smoke when I overthink I only smoke when I drink And I only drink when I overthink I only smoke when I drink And I only drink when I overthink I only smoke when I drink And I only drink when I overthink I only smoke when I drink Come on. I only think about you And I only think about you I only think about you And I only think about you

And I only think about you And I only think about you And I only think about you Thank you. I only smoke when I'm free And I only drink when I'm over there I only smoke when I'm free And I only drink when I'm over there And I only think about you, you, you, you, you And I only think about you, you, you, you, you And I only think about you, you, you, you, you And I only think about you, you, you, you, you you And I only think about you I only smoke when I drink And I only drink when I overthink

And I only think about you Another shot or two And the room's for me And I'm drowning In my new woman In me own woman I only smoke when I drink And I only drink when I overthink

And I only think about you Another thought of you, another shot I took The room's spinning, hands swimming And I'm drowning in my new woman And you're winning