Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #293 with Eshaan Akbar & Mike Rice - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: September 8, 2024

Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan Nightingale & Fiends Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.ukComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comFinn's Liverpool Gig: skiddle.com/e/39298815As Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Support our cycle across India for Zoe's Place:https://cycle4zoes.enthuse.com/pf/finnlay-kulavuzGet subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsCheck out Finn's music: https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Tickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening lads, before we start this week's episode of the Have A Word Podcast, do us a favour and make sure you're following us on all social media. We are at Have A Word Pod on Twitter, Instagram and TikTok. And on top of that, don't forget to go and subscribe to the Patreon page. Patreon.com slash Have A Word Pod. Early access to these episodes, an extra episode just for you lot every single week on Patreon. And don't forget those monthly specials of which there are 40 plus now. They're basically a movie every single month.

Patreon.com slash have a word pod. Enjoy the episode. It's a belter. Wag wag lids. You're listening to the funniest podcast in the game. From the heart of Liverpool. With Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only Have A Word.

Brought to you by Manscaped. The very best products on the market for below the waist grooming. Go Ed, get on me. Welcome everyone to the Have A Word podcast. Episode 7,922. We're nearly at 300. We're nearly at 300, but it feels like 7,932. My name's Dan Nightingale. I'm a comedian and podcaster, host of the Have A Word podcast.

Here we are with producer... No! Not producer Karl. Hang on. Production director. I'd say... Director of production. I'd say. Director of production. I'd go with host first now. Oh, thank you. Do you know what?

It's so true. It's honestly. Host and executive producer. There you go. Executive producer means he doesn't do the producing anymore, but he still gets to shout at Finn when he wants to. And then also producer Finn. Oh!

What are we doing here? He's got a phone as intern, by the way. He's no producer. You're not having fucking host. I'm telling you that right now. I love you, kid, but you're a long way off that.

Then nestled in a corner, we've got young Harry Robinson. I think content producer is the made up name I gave you. I think that suits him. But it works. Yeah, I think researcher as well. And guest co-host today who's

he's a young hall of famer he is the truth what they call him the Irish whisper they do like the chocolate bar

and because Adam is away yes he's not dead he's not away I don't want to do that banter I love him

but it's nice to have a break from the gun he could be dead he's abandoned G he's abandoned his boys I don't want to do that banter. I love him. But it's nice to have a break from the gun. He could be dead. He's abandoned, G. He's abandoned his boys. I don't know if it's abandonment or just doing really well in his career. Well.

But personally, I do see it as abandonment. It's a tin line. It's Mike Rice. But in his place, we've got Mike Rice. Yay. Who was available? Oh, he was available, yeah. Michael, I'll tell you what,

this is the first ever episode we've done where I've got a hot water bottle behind me. Hey. So this is... Did you call a coordinator with your outfit? Yeah, I did. Yeah, yeah, I did. And I'm, you know, gay now.

It looks empty. It's what? It looks empty. Oh, it's Laura. This is Laura's hot water technique. Oh, I've spoken with this before. Have you? Yeah.

What? Seneca's has to be filled to the exact mil and the air removed and like... Oh, she's done the air removal. So I've probably filled three hot water bottles in my life and at my age, that's impressive. Yes. You know, because that fuel allowance is a bastard.

And I watched her do it today and it it's it's a third full maybe with obviously boiling water and then she squeezed out the air and actually i'll have to give it her it works better than when i basically fill it up and it feels like a like a it's not comfortable this moves right it doesn't feel that hard i've got a bad back i've got a bad back. I've got a bad back. Don't know what I've done. I'm making those gains.

Monday, push myself. Yeah. I was benching like 30 kilograms, mate. You know what I mean? You've got to be careful. You said to me that you felt like you'd been shagged up the bum. Yeah, well, also, Laura and I are getting into pegging as well, and she's pretty rough with it.

Is that true? No. No. It's okay, though, with the hot water what that's nice you can't it's a start but after care yeah it's nice isn't it to get pegged and then also to get that like hot hot water bottle touch well you don't know because what's happened to you because you may have been shagged up to bum because i just heard a story that uh this these p this uh lady in Ireland, right, that she... Peggins not got to Ireland. Oh, no, actually, it was in Ireland.

You're a liar. It was in France. No, no, we wouldn't like that. We would like... Well, you put things up your ass but agricultural instruments, like, do you know what I mean? Like sticks and...

Get the hole, Mary. Get the hole. Cattle prodders and up your hole. But that's all, that's all part of farm business. But this, the French guy, right?

Listen to this now. This is saucy enough. He brings seven men, he finds seven men at a bar and brings them back to his house. Small guys,

were they all full size? No, big. These were full size men. 100% men. And he brought them back to his house and he had his wife drugged, right? Oh, this isn't a nice story. No, I didn't say it was nice.

I can't even see where you got it from. This is one of the worst things I've ever heard. And it's more than seven. It's hundreds. What? Of what? How busy was his bar? Did you hear about this story?

Not that that's the problem. Yeah, it's hundreds of men over many years. Oh, was it? I didn't know that. Oh, yeah. I just knew that. This is what many years. Oh, was it? I didn't know that. Oh, yeah. I just knew that. This is what you're opening with, Mike. This is such an awful story.

I've just got a back twinge, and you're like, oh, Jesus, no. I've heard about this multiple sexual abuse thing in France. No, it was that you said you thought you'd been shagged up the arse, and then I was like, he could have been. She's been drugging me. But you don't know. She could have been drugging me.

And then she's like, look, I gave you a hot water bottle. I'm looking after you, baby. So this woman has been drugged for years. And her husband has been letting men assault her for years. Right. And it's been found out and he's going to prison for seven life sentences. He recently got caught as he was upskirting girls on his phone. The police confiscated his phone, found years' worth of videos of this happening.

on his phone, the police confiscated his phone, found years worth of videos of this happening. And now the woman has waived her anonymity in order to be able to make all the men have to waive theirs.

So she's in court watching years worth of herself being... You're right. I'm sorry I brought it up. This is your first episode. It sort of sums up how Jekyll and Hyde

this can be. You know, water bottled to this. So fast. That Chisora video. What a weird analogy can be. You know, water bottled to this. So fast. Chisora video. What a weird analogy, fam. I'm going to check Laura's phone, just in case. Check Laura's phone.

I'm sorry now. I'm just, I'm rattled from, I was at the Edinburgh Fringe there for a moment. You sound like you've got Edinburgh flow. Oh, lad, I'm not well. Do you know what ended up happening to me there? I ended up getting in, and this is why I feel so unhealthy I got in like a relationship

with a what with a chipper with a Scottish chipper over there a chipper yeah a chippy chippy

oh right right not like a little guy not like a wood chipper weak no these branches but so I used to

there's this chipper I used to there's this chip radio school last year and I'd always get a battered haggis supper there like I get a lot so you get battered haggis

chips garlic dip it was really nice hang on is this on York York Place in the new town no

oh right okay because there's there's a takeaway in Edinburgh that I feel every performer is eating. The one that never closes. It's just a permanent, yeah, takeaway chippy. This one's in Grassmarket.

So anyway, I used to get this battered haggis supper there. It was great. What time of day are we talking here, Mike? Is that an end of night? No. No? No, no, it'll be middle of the day, just huffing it down giving myself a stroke and it is

it is absolute uh it's just plaque it's just you're just stuffing your heart with shite but i love i like haggis and stuff but i did end up getting very sick last year so i said this year no more that gonna be healthy none of that but i said the first day I'll go in I'll get it once and I'll say that's it just say hello to everyone and just be like hey that is such addict sort of thinking that's it I'm not doing cocaine no that's me done I'm just going to go

and see the dealer once and say hello I'll just have two grams I'll finish them before I leave and then I won't touch it again I did a lot of cocaine as well at the festival and I don't want to even get it again. I did a lot of cocaine as well. But, at the festival, and I don't want to even get back into that. I'm just ashamed of myself.

But, can't come for a lot of money. But anyway, so, Still? Still? Well, now I'm seeing I'm on antidepressants and coke.

So it was like, Ash, Haggis, antidepressants, cocaine, little Mickey can't do the business. All that. And I was in a single bed, ah, sure. Haggis, antidepressants, cocaine, little Mickey can't do the business. And I was in a single bed,

a student bed. I gave some young ones the worst night of their life. Not young ones. Huh? Of age. Oh no, yeah, yeah.

They were fucking, they were 19 years of age. No, no, no, but you know what I mean. So, so the haggis, day one. But anyway, so I goes in and I says, right, I'll get this know what I mean. So the haggis, day one. But anyway, so I goes in and I says, right, I'll get this haggis supper.

So I goes in, gets the haggis supper, da, da, da. And I was like, that's it now for the whole thing. I'm just getting it once. But I go out, right? And it's raining. So I start kind of trotting away with my little supper on me. Next thing I just hear behind me, I just hear, Oi, oi, oi.

Right, excuse the bad Scottish accent. Oi. I hear behind me I just hear aye aye aye right excuse a bad scotch accent aye I look behind me the owlad from the chipper is running after me right through the rain I was like what the fuck's going on here maybe he sensed it was my last time and he's trying to I didn't know but so anyway he so he arrives up to me right and he's like panting. I was like, what the hell's going on? And then he just goes, he goes, you forgot your phone, right? And he was standing there, right? And the rain was washing grease off his old Scottish head, you know?

And he panned it out the phone. Jesus, it was one of the most romantic moments of my life, you know? You got to kiss him. Lads, I swear to God, the rain, everything, it was like you haggis me at hello. I was like, good Lord.

I should, I didn't know what to do, but I was like, you know, when someone does something nice, you're like, oh, Jesus, right? And then, you know, I'd never, we'd never exchanged names

or anything before. And then he just, I said, Jesus, thanks. He's just like. And you're vulnerable at the fringe. Oh, very vulnerable. You're going up there with your show. It's the, you know, it's going to cost money.

It's going to cost you something emotionally. That's right. And then this little greasy Scottish chipper shows you a little bit of love, a little bit of affection. Lad, look, I couldn't believe it. Like you said, I was, there was a want, there was a need on me for a connection. I have a distant relationship with my father, you know?

So, so he goes, so so anyway he was just like my he's like my name's kevin i was like oh my name's mike right you know and uh we shook hands and then he just stood there and it was lashing rain right and i was like it just kind of didn't i was like what does he want so i just panicked i was like because my house is not so far i was like i'm into my house now do you want to get a cup of tea or something I just panicked I just panicked to try to keep alive did you just thought

they like dripping wet like yeah he's just looking at me so in an awkward pause yeah you went you just went to default

and went I'll try and fuck him no I didn't want to fuck him would you like to come up for a cup of coffee no I was just he didn't say anything

and he was standing there. He's brought me my phone. I was like, I need to offer him something or be sound. So I was like, oh, do you want to come for a cup of tea? I just, he didn't know what to say. And then he goes, he goes, no, I'm working. And I was like, yeah, I thought you were, but then why are you, right?

Just standing in front of me. So anyway, anyway, he heads back to the chipper. I feel like an idiot. Was he waiting for a tip i don't know what he was waiting for he did just it maybe he thought i would give him a few now looking back maybe that he was it was kind of a finders fee thing i don't know but so anyway the problem is now he knows my name right so i like, I don't want any more of these fucking haggis. I've had enough.

I don't feel good. Last year I got sick. This food is not good for you, you know? So anyway. Deep fried haggis. Oh yeah. But it's on my way.

The chipper's on my way in and back from the venue, right? They do it on purpose. Lad, so the next day I sort of got him walking past. All I hear, and I was like, I'm not going in for anything.

I don't want any food there I just hear Oi Mike Oi Mike Kevin's hanging out the window the chipper like really like a dog in the car and he's just Oi Oi and I was like Oh how are you Kevin he's like Did you forget your phone?

Did you forget your phone today? I was like I was like Oh like yesterday he's like Ah you silly wee bastard I was like Ah before I was like oh like yesterday he's like ah yeah you silly wee bastard I was like ah yeah is he special needs this guy I don't know

I don't know like you know he's not a member of Mensa you know what I mean like he's you know he's

Augustus yeah he's got his troubles but so anyway he's there hey he's like

did you remember your phone and I was like yeah he's like do you remember yesterday your phone I was like yeah it was yesterday lad you know of course i remember you know and then he goes and he's like my guy he's like we got some haggis in here i was like i know you i haven't forgot what you sell he's only be telling me if you've changed the business plan like we're in renewable energies now or something you know what i mean but he's not it's like yeah lad i know you got haggis and then anyway i was like you know what i'll just go

in i'll just say hello thanks for yesterday you know what i mean just be just be polite and be like hey sound for bringing my phone so you already had it ready lad another phone lad phone like is this your phone 2008 it is yeah i go in he literally before i open my mouth he goes right the little fucking green knots gnomes in the fucking chipper off making the fucking it's fine make it so i was like these scottish accents often oh no they're so bad um and you know but anyway so they go up it and i was like i don't want it i you know i was just like fuck it yeah go on do you know what i mean because i had one every day for the whole month but like what he was really saying to me there when i walk in is like i know your name i know your order.

I know you. Is he from the Middle East? Yes. I'm your real daddy. He is. He was a member of ISIS. But so... But not Mensa. No, yeah, he had a...

What do you call the things? No, is that a turban? Anyway. It's like you've done a data protection breach in real life. Yeah. It's like when you buy a jar protection breach in real life. Yeah. It's like when you buy a jarg shirt from China and then all of a sudden you're getting loads of phone calls. Yeah.

You've basically given up your name to someone who doesn't respect data protection. Right, mate. All right, mate. I got your tea ready. I know it's only 11am, but this is good for you. Start the day right. Lad, I do believe Kevin believes haggis is a for you. Start the day right. Lad, I do believe, Kevin believes,

haggis is a superfood. I don't think, I think haggis could be quite healthy though, couldn't it? Once you deep fry it. Do you know what I like? Haggis. Lad, I fucking, I have to give, and to give them their due there, they do, whatever they do, they do it right.

I don't know what the secret ingredient, but they're good people. But so then I'm leaving anyway with the secret and he just goes alright we'll see you tomorrow Mike and I was like tomorrow

I'm being fucking rostered I'm being rostered to come into this fucking place and so the next day I'm like look at my children Mike

look at them they want to go into higher education but they can't afford it unless you keep buying fucking deep fried haggis every fucking meal lad

that's it and he has them and they are like they're like old children the people that work there because they are small and kind of isn't everyone like old children

huh isn't everyone old children well no they are but these were like do you know what I mean they were small dwarfish like kind of gnomish men they were like I think they might have just they were small dwarfish like kind of gnomish men they were like

I think they might have just been children they might have just been his children yeah look at them weird small humans but maybe yeah and just you're around

so much splatter of frying you should have just I think from now on when you do the fringe you live with this guy you do a show in the chipper you stop fighting it it's meant to be

I think there there was a part of me that like I felt oh this is the only guy in Edinburgh that actually gets me

gets me is the only one who actually loves me or cares about me I'll be your agent mate right I'll be your agent

I'll bring it up you'll play every chippy every chippy in Scotland mate the fucking chippy tour yeah the chippy tour

did you not go to Tempt and Tattie huh did you not go to Tempt and Tattie when you were in Levenborough Tempt and Tattie

yeah that's is that strip club yeah it does sound like one I mean is it no it's a it's a potato

shop oh a potato shop Jack Potato oh yeah I'd go there because I'm oh yeah yeah big potato.

Not my favourite, my favourite place to eat in the world is Tempton Tatty. Yeah. How have I never even heard about Tempton Tatty? It's by the bridge.

I can't remember what road it's on. I know, I know. It's all town like. I know I can't talk about food but I just feel like a jacket potato it's just not as

out, out food wise as I need it to be. Geoffrey Street. It's just something you can make at home to the same I need it to be. Jeffrey Street. It's just something you can make at home. It's on Jeffrey Street. To the same standard. It's on Jeffrey Street.

Is it? The fella's sound. He's got about 500 different fillings for it. It's fucking insane. I mean, Adam lived above there once during the fringe. Right. It's tempting. What are you going for on a jack of potato that makes it so magical?

Is it just cheese and beans no I don't go for beans not when you're in there mate you get it as pepper which is mad and it's like a it's like a sweet chilli chicken cold filling

with the hot potato oh no oh yeah that actually does sound good it's unbelievable I always think when it's jacket potato from one of the vans

or whatever it's not it's too soft I want the jacket to be a bit crispier that's just a fact Dan yeah it has to be crispy otherwise it has to be that's just a fact, Dan, yeah? Yeah.

It has to be crispy. It has to be. That's just a big new potato. Are you talking about the Facebook guy? Oh, Laura's jacket potatoes. I love that woman. But Laura's jacket potatoes. And it's not a euphemism for a tit.

But when she just whacks it in the microwave for like 15 minutes and then just sort of moves it into the oven briefly and it's just too soft. I'm a 10 minutes in the microwave man and then a good fucking three days in an oven. At least an hour. I want it to be blackened, like Chernobyl crusty on the side. It needs to be crusty, yeah.

That's an extra bit of the meal. God, you're turning me on. We wouldn't do that at all now. We wouldn't do a jacket plate. Just straight out the ground. We wouldn't do that at all now. What would you just do? We wouldn't do a... Just raw dog it. Jacket plate or a... Just straight out the ground. Well, you have to have a little bit of respect for the vegetable and what happened.

I don't think potato's a vegetable. What happened in the 1800s. I think potato's its own thing. Huh? I don't think potato is a vegetable. What do you fuck off? I think, no, don't get me wrong. What do you think it is?

A meat. I'm a massive fan of the potato, but it's not like... It is a secondary meat. Yeah, it's not one of your five a it's not like... It is a secondary meat. Yeah, it's not one of your five a day, is it? It's a secondary meat. It is not a secondary meat. It is.

What? It's always with the meat in it. It's like the meat's robbing. Yeah, but it wasn't a fucking cow, was it? No. It started as a potato. It continued to be one. I know.

Listen, there's no disrespect for the potato. It's phenomenal. You've come in with an agenda against me. Is there any other vegetable that can survive as its own meal? No,

that's why it's the best one. Yeah, it's its own meal. It's essentially a meat. Listen, this is not a negative thing. It's a super vegetable. Right.

It's in its own tier. Yeah. But to be like, oh yeah, it's a veg. You're like, yeah. It's not the same as a pea,

is it? I'm not saying it's the same as a pea. Am it? I'm not saying it's the same as a pea. Am I saying that? No, it's way better than a pea. It's better than a turnip. Oh, can I have a jacket pea, please? I don't want the jacket pea. If you gave me a jacket pea, I'd throw it back in your face. I don't want it. Fuck off.

I'm not saying that. It's out on its own. It's class. It's not a normal vegetable, is it? I'm not saying it's a normal vegetable. Did I say that? No, I'm saying it is a vegetable though.

Mike, this is an attack on your country, by the way. You've all come from me here. No, we're saying vegetables and then we're saying potatoes. Yeah, potatoes superior to veg. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it's the best. It's number one. If you have five potatoes, you've not had your five a day, have you? No. Come on. Someone's talking about potatoes with Mike again. What did you one. If you have five potatoes, you've not had your five a day, have you? No. Come on. If someone's got a hot potato,

I'll have Mike again. What did you say? We always talk about potatoes. Well, yeah, I know you do. It's like he was alive in 1850. What? Like, come on, man. It's generational trauma.

We had loads of them back in the day. That's why we love them so much. You did. Well, so you took ours, you cunts. I know, that's why I was a bit quiet. Yeah, you dirty eejit. You rotten bastard. So, listen. Yeah. I took the potato. If someone was... took ours because that's why i was yeah you're dirty eejit you're rotten bastards potato famine was you you had all that's all you had to eat is that right what in the yeah that's all we had was yeah potatoes yeah and then when i was a kid i thought

like you just didn't have any potatoes you just because that's what potato famine means isn't it like how we've got them well so the thing is, it was- Why are you revving him up? Why are you revving him up? It was in- Listen. Finn thought that's all right now. What did you think, Finn?

I still think it's right. I'm not- I thought that you had no potatoes, but you had everything else. Yes, we have no potatoes. You saw what? You thought we just, we had fish and meat and all that, but we just, we don't like that. The whole island was like like I love this roast dinner

But there's no tatties Yeah I refuse The heeches In case there is But no potatoes Mary I can't have Another parsnip

Get it away from me I've got no potatoes God makes Works in mysterious ways God I'd love a bag of crisps That was Indian What you did there was God works in mysterious ways

Mate we've heard Your Scottish accent Yeah but my Oh lordy I've got your Scottish accent. Yeah, but my... Oh, Lordy. I've got your phone back. The haggis is ready. Give me the haggis. Talk, listen.

Yes. We have a pretty bad track record as a podcast of, like, it's not the lowest hanging fruit, but it's like the catchphrase thing. Once you've got a guest in, like, if we've got a gay guest, we are talking about bumming within 120 seconds. Fuck.

And I feel like we've done pretty well to get to 20 minutes without mentioning the potato famine, but you've brought it on yourself. I brought it on myself, says you. We brought it on, the Irish brought it on ourselves, did we? I'll be playing Dublin on October 20th.

Yeah, you rotten bastard. Mike, talk us through it. Talk us through it. Just quickly. Give us the abridged version. Of what? Yeah, yeah. You want to know

about the famine, is it? Well, I still don't know about your fringe. Because, well, so I'll tell you about fringe. Well, you see, Phil Ellis, have you ever met Phil now? Yes.

He had nothing to do with the potato famine, surely. He's an Irish famine denier. Come on. No. They don't exist. Phil Ellis. Famine denier. He's a famine denier. Come on. No. They don't exist. Phil Ellis. Famine denier.

He's a famine denier. He says the numbers don't add up. And everything about Phil Ellis would suggest he's done the numbers. Huh? And he owes me 32.50 from a weekend we did in Cardiff. In the Cardiff Clee.

How can anyone owe anyone 32.50? He's an invoice denier. Huh? He's an invoice denier. No. They don't exist then then I think that's Adam Nice Oh you're after hurting yourself Danny

I've made myself laugh Danny you're after hurting yourself Go on Be careful over there Danny So Phil Well Phil Ellis owes me 32.50 Because we went to a chipper in Cardiff

and then he said oh I don't have a card can you get me can you get this for me and then he cost him 32.50 no but

he ordered so much food like so much like he ordered like I'm not joking I don't know if he was doing a prank like two pizzas

like burgers all this shit and it came to 32.50. And then he just took to something. He's like, I'll get you back for that. He's never paid. And then I see him in Edinburgh.

I'm like, where's that? And I say, Phil, where's that money? And I come and he just runs off like a big goon. He's quite tall. He is. He's lanky and he can get away. Pay what you fucking owe. That's right, Phil.

Listen, I've been guilty of forgetting that I owe money. As soon as I get the reminder that it gets paid that's right even if it's £32.50 if you go hey will you just cover this for me yes I'll get you back

yeah don't be the shithouse that doesn't pay it that's right have you yeah have you sent the have you sent the reminder

write that down to Phil have you sent the reminder oh I've said it in person and I've like tried to get it out of him and stuff and he just runs off. Phil Ellis is one of them thin cunts that's fat.

You know what I mean? Yeah. He's like- All belly but nothing else. My mate Matt Rees, oh, it's just, I've never seen the food he can consume without putting on a fucking ounce.

He's fat on the inside though, aren't you? That's what I keep hearing, but he's still alive. That's right. I've heard he's got a fatty heart, a fatty liver. People are like, the inside, though, aren't you? That's what I keep hearing, but he's still alive. That's right. I've heard he's got a fatty heart, a fatty liver. People are like,

your organs are fat. But he looks great. Do you know what I mean? He looks thin. A kid looks good. So unless he just drops dead, either of these cunts, my best mate Matt

or Phil Ellis, I don't see that they just meal after meal. That's right. But he's so long and then his head is so big that it stores fat as well. Do you know what I mean?

There's a lot going on there. We need to get Phil Ellis on. He's so fat. He's so long and then his head is so big that it stores fat as well. Do you know what I mean? There's a lot going on there. We need to get Phil Ellis on. He's so funny. He's so funny. He smashed Edinburgh once again. He's one of the funniest men of all time, but he is an Irish famine denier and he owes me 32.50.

So I can't give him a complete loan endorsement. Do you know what I mean? But you'd have to get him on the couch, but he will be saying a lot of things that are certainly not morally right. Feels treacherous. Also, I have a huge affinity with the Emerald Isle. Yes.

Went to my first GAA game. Yeah. I mean, Mike, what a game. What a game. Oh! On seven football pitches. We saw the legend Dean Rock, who's played for the Dubs,

apparently. He has played for the Dubs. He had a father, Barney Rock, who was... Barney Rock? Not joking yet, brother of rubble.

Barney Rock. Yeah. That's when the Lowe's and them were together. That was good. He's no kind of piss, that Carol. He's a host now.

He's a fucking host now. For a reason. And he's coming in, he's living up. He does less work and's a host now he's a fucking host now for a reason and he's coming in he's living off he does less work and gets more money that's how good he is that's fucking nice

still does loads I know definitely less though is that fair Finn does the most now and rightly so right tell me about Dean Rock

because he was he was so good Dean Rock Dean Rock played up front for the Ballymun Kickums yes my team I'm a fucking Ballymun up front for the Ballymun Kickums. Yes. My team.

I'm a fucking Ballymun man. You're a Ballymun head. Oh, I'm Northside. Right. You said something really. Yeah, you did. I saw that. Something really bad nearly came out of your mouth.

He's no bastard O'Sullivan though. Huh? Bastard O'Sullivan. Oh yeah. He played for Cork. Oh, for fuck's sake. Is that right? Well, his name,

well, he was a big bastard Diarmuid O'Sullivan He was the strongest The strongest man in Ireland But he killed He killed a few men On the pitch Like he literally like

That's funny Completely Well no it was It was like If you die in a hurling match Like that's a warrior's death You'll get sent off In a raft

And they'll shoot a fucking Like flaming arrow It'll come down And set your whole thing on fire I know yeah You'll be like That's a raft and they'll shoot a fucking flaming arrow it'll come down and set your whole thing on fire I know yeah you'd be like that's a big pride to your family if you

so you're from Kilkenny more of a hurling gaff well we're hurling men because we're we'd have courage and we're brave and we're not afraid to die but then

but definitely the vikings death that's right but then weaker more cowardly counties yeah would play Gaelic football alright so that's Dublin yeah Dublin yeah because they're they don't have the city boys The Vikings death. That's right. But then weaker, more cowardly counties, yeah, would play Gaelic football. All right, so that's Dublin.

Yeah, Dublin, yeah. Because they don't have the... City boys. They've never fought a cow. They've never made a cow come. What would they... How would they... Amazon's in Dublin. Huh?

Dublin's got Amazon in it. Yeah. They've started a fucking... I do love Dublin. They've got a start-up. Yeah. You know, they're tech-minded. They've never wanked off a cow.

Why would they? They wouldn't know the first thing about making a cow come. They don't even prioritise it. No. Where's the cow clit? Ask them. They haven't a clue. They don't know.

It's not how you get a job at Google, is it? No. Well. Have other animals got clits? Well, do you? Yeah. What do you mean? Well, don't look like that

do you not think they're has a cat got a clit what have cats got they don't know about the F1 they haven't got clits have animals got clits shut up only birds that don't

Dan you know that snakes have a clitoris surely oh stop sending me fucking snake videos. Why are you asking me to do that? In the last year and a half since we've done the snake banter,

I've realised I fucking can't stand the slippery cunts. They don't deserve a clit. Have you seen the one? I saw one last week. There was one. Her snake video went viral of a snake just having explosive diarrhea in her room. It was mad. Didn't even know there's shit like that. Have you seen a snake just having like explosive diarrhea in a room it was mad

didn't even know the shit like that have you seen the snake opening the door while the girl's dancing no lad this snake just opens the door and runs in it's mad have you seen the one with the snake just freaking herself off no yeah i'm getting different videos in you man whoa right on the rattler do you think that we as a four, the four of us, kind of similar to like... Fuck you, Harry. Well, Harry can... Someone needs to hold a fort. But so,

if the four of us, kind of similar to what they did in some medieval Middle Eastern cultures, or maybe still today, if we went on a mission to cut the clits off all the snakes... Like whacking day on The Simpsons? Huh? Like whacking day on The Simpsons? But like the four of us made it a mission to cut the clits off all the snakes. Like whacking day on The Simpsons? Huh?

Like whacking day on The Simpsons? But like the four of us made it a mission. We could do a special maybe. No? Yeah. Why does no one ever get on board with any idea I say? Everyone looks at me like I have six heads. This is a good idea for a special.

You don't think that'd sell? Us cutting the clits off of snakes? I think it gets some interest. That's not a great idea, no No press is bad press This is what I'm saying I don't believe I can't believe all animals have got clits

Apart from birds That's mad So a flamingo hasn't got a clit But like a fucking hedgehog has What the fuck Well you're telling me a crow has a clit No birds haven't Oh no birds

No birds Whatever else Yeah I knew well that cow had a clit Flamingo's the sexiest animal. And then there's things like an armadillo with a clit. Who has the longest orgasm in the animal world? Pigs.

Oh! It's like half an hour. Yeah. Oh! Whoa. But your pigs aren't pigs. What? Nearly as smart as people.

They're close. Yeah, yeah. They need to feel something. Right. Otherwise they don't come. 30 minutes on average. Look at that, mate. I know a pig. Yeah, yeah. They need to feel something. Right. Otherwise they don't come. 30 minutes on average. Look at that, mate. I know.

Oh, so like the outliers could be like coming for an hour. It could be as long as 90 minutes. Well, Ishan reckons he comes for 90 seconds, doesn't he?

I'll guess today. Ishan reckons he comes. He was waxing on to me there now about his lovemaking prowess. And I think, and I was like, I'm not going to let you

shag me, Ishan. So you're barking up the wrong tree here you don't hold a chipper huh where's your haggis you cunt you know

we got the suggestion on a for a patron special of doing a farm a farm special yeah and now I know that pigs have got clits

it's just well that's a given now it's even more tempting well now we're going in I'll try I'll have like a bingo and I'll try and pigs have got clits. It's just... Well, that's a given now. It's even more tempting. Well, now we're going in. I'll have like a bingo and I'll try and count all the clits. Well, what you could do is... Kyle's clit counter.

Clit counter, yeah. I'd love somebody like BT and just like, there's a fucking clit. I'll have a clicker, the click clicker. Just pointing at a farmer's wife. Would you come and join us for a farm special?

Of course, lads. What? You're Johnny Farm, aren't you? You're asking David Beckham, does he want to take free kicks? Yes. Come on. Top corner, Greece.

When you go back to Kilkenny and stay with Nimnog and Carl, your family, do you have to muck in on the, do you have to clean the clits? What do you have to do? Clean the clits? No, I mean, do you have to muck in on the, do you have to like clean the clits? What do you have to do? Clean the clits? No, I mean, do you have to do a shift?

We like them dirty. Huh? I'm gigging, you know, you're gigging, you're gigging in Ireland. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I... But you have to help out Saturday morning. You have to get out there. Oh yeah.

Oh really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I will go out there. Yeah. What's your duties? Huh? What's your, like Mike's back. He'll do the...

I can, I can milk cows yes two days ago I was back and I just and like I helped my father move heifers

so we'd the ladies heifers are young they're young sexy cows so like he has to have a chat with me

and be like no not for you the word heifer was from cows isn't it we're not just being mean

to them are we no yeah no no no I thought that would mean like a big cow then it does Not for you. The word heifer with farm cows, isn't it? I'm not just being mean to them, are we? No. Yeah. No, no, no. I thought that would mean like a big cow then. It does. A heifer's a big old lady.

No, no, no. A heifer's a young, hot slut. That's a bit of a heifer there. You'd be like, fat old bitch. I know, but this is why

you've got that wrong. You should be looking at, you know, Ariana Grande and look at that heifer. Look at that lovely, fine heifer. So the heifers get put in with the bull for the sheikshi times? That's, yes.

Well, that is what happens, yeah. But you have to grow the, like. So the old cows, they're not getting the bull dick. No, they are. But the heifers. They are, they're still. Well, they're back in the queue. Heifers first. Well, look, the bull is going dick. No, they are. But the heifers. They are, they're still. Well, they're back of the queue. Heifers first.

Well, look, the bull is going to go for, you know, he's going to go for fucking Nicki Minaj before Susan Boyle. But Susan Boyle will be shagged as well. Do you know what I mean? So don't worry about that, Subo. Come one, come all. She'll be getting it. She'll be getting it.

Oh, she'll be getting wrecked. She'll be getting it hard, just punishing her for it. I didn't even want that, Subo. Come one, come all. She'll be getting it. She'll be getting it. Oh, she'll be getting wrecked. She'll be getting it hard, just punishing her for it. I didn't even want to shag you. And then he'll absolutely hammering it to her. One bull, all the heifers. One bull will do all the heifers. Now, sometimes you get now a lazy gay bull.

And that's when you're in trouble. A lazy gay bull. You do. A lazy gay bull. A lazy gay bull. Are they cheaper? Huh? Is that a cheap? We've. A lazy gay bull. You do. A lazy gay bull. A lazy gay bull. Are they cheaper? Huh? Is that a cheap?

We've got a lazy gay one. I don't think you're selling that at the cattle market, are you? Well, the problem is if you knew it was a lazy gay bull, he's absolutely worthless. You know what I mean? So you can't get him.

He's only good for burgers at that point. Do you know what I mean? He's only good to be. Is he lazy with the women? Yeah. Well, he's just lazy as in like, he's just like,

he's just like, I don't even fancy them. I want someone like me. Oh my God. He wants to shove it up another bull's hole. Never buy a bull from California. Oh my God. That's just so not me.

A lazy gay young bull. Yeah. A lazy gay Californian surfer bull. You know? This is gross. Yeah. Just like, like oh you fat bitch get away with your dirty fat udders oh yuck and she's like i got a clit yeah i don't even care yeah i don't even give a fuck doesn't interest me baby no i want to fuck another big hairy bull with a fucking shitty ass oh this is what they this is them you know that's the big lazy gay balls yeah that's so i think we should animate that yeah

make the cartoon now disney yeah uh which was so what you really want really is just a strong you know masculine horny you know bull that likes Andrew Tate you know an incel yeah no no you don't want an incel bull

well not an incel bull but you know just someone that just believes that like men are superior to women or whatever you know that kind of thing

and doesn't believe in like emotional connection because it's like you've got to get through all of them brother do you know what I mean don't catch feelings brothers what did you say and mootate And doesn't believe in like emotional connection. Cause it's like, you got to get through all of them, brother. Do you know what I mean? Don't catch feelings, brothers.

What'd you say? And mutate. Go and walk it off. The Mutang clan, brother. Yeah. You, if you're a bull and you're there, you've got a long line of Nicki Minaj heifers and you can't fall in love. No, you can't fall.

You can't catch feelings. You know what I mean? That's the first rule about farming. You can't be listening to Drake. you know i mean you gotta be listening to my room no you can't be listening to my room's room just you know no you gotta be listening to just like like like fucking i love bad bitches that's my fucking problem that is actually drake as well asap rocky huh asap rocky that is well it is an ASAP Rocky song, but Drake's on it. But that's where he has a line. That's the song where Drake says... As if we're having the semantics of hip hop going from the Lazy Gay Bull.

That's too quick. Listen to Marvin. Actually, it's ASAP Rocky. Featuring Kanye. Anyway, back to the Lazy Gay Bull. In that song, that's in that song that's Drake has a great line where he says

this this long dick beep uh I don't really say this often but this long dick beep ain't for the long talking

I love bad bitches that's my so yeah we'd have the horny bulls would be listening to that and they'd be like yeah and they'd be like

the Kendrick verse holla holla and the bulls would be fucking rammed it into the big what's the gay bull got on the bull

no he's got like wake me up before you go go don't leave me hanging yeah he's oh god

right he's going fucking apeshit man I need to I need to refill my water bottle yeah you've got something on your nose

oh it's not again is it oh fuck I should have waited till the break to say that we'll have a little break if you could animate us a little gay ball that would be really nice 11.11 by the way make a wish what's that make a wish it's 11.11

I want that whole water bottle car Make a wish. Oh, shit. What's that? Make a wish. It's 11.11. Okay. Right. I want that whole water bottle. Go. No. Ah, if you're enjoying this episode, this public episode, you should sign up for our Patreon. 27,000 people cannot be wrong.

Patreon.com slash have a word pod. You get an exclusive episode every Wednesday, which is some of our best shit. You also get early access to this public and all of the specials. And my God, there's a few. The lock-ins. Mikey, have you done a special? Nashville.

Oh, yeah. A quiz? I've done the quiz. I've gone and done the 9-11 quiz with Vicky. That wasn't... Well, that was cool. Yeah. You made it the 9-11 quiz. Yeah, we did the 9-11 team quiz with Vicky. That wasn't, well, that was cool. Yeah. You made it the 9-11 quiz.

Yeah, we did the 9-11 team quiz with Vicky and then I did the lock-in, Paddy's Day lock-in. Yeah. That was great. We've been to Nashville. We've been to Amsterdam twice.

We've done a restaurant special. We've done a track day special. Oh, barbershop. both one and two. Yeah. Oh, all for three pound. You get everything we've ever made

Top gear's gone But we're still here baby Yeah And Last bit of information The Comedians Club Chester My Circuit gig

Is on September the 14th Saturday The 14th of September Justin Morehouse Dan Tiernan And Peter Brush With myself

Comparing an absolute Bastard Of a bill. Jesus. £15 a ticket. This is going to sell out. ComediansClubChester.com. Oh, my God.

And Mike and Vittorio's Guide to Parenting. Yes. Is one of the best podcasts out there. Oh, yes. And I'm on tour. Oh, shit, baby. Tour extension, MikeRiceComedy.com. I had to extend it. Liverpool, Manchester, Newcastle. Tickets on tour. Oh, shit, baby. Tour extension, mygricecomedy.com. They had to extend it.

Liverpool, Manchester, Newcastle. Tickets on sale now, mygricecomedy.com. Birmingham, Dublin, Belfast. When's your Liverpool date? Brighton. Liverpool date is, I think, the 7th of November. It's a Sunday. Hot water.

Would love you there. It's going to be the last run of Nasty Character. 4.5 star reviews. The 3rd of November. Chortle, 4.5. That's right. It's going to be the last run of Nasty Character. 4.5 star review. I saw that. The 3rd of November. Chortle, 4.5. That's right.

That's dirty. That's a filthy little review. Five star review from scottischippers.com. That's right. From Haggis Weekly. Five stars. Yeah, 4.5 from Chortle is not one to be shaken up. No, it is a funny, I don't know if you read the review. He did call me a troglodytete which i had to look up what that meant

means uh which kind of proves his point but uh it means a caveman he said it was great to hear basically from you know someone who doesn't really think about things um which is nice listen you could take 4.5 you can call you what he That's right. Because you now get to put four and a half stars from Chortle up on every poster until you die. Right beside Inbred and Retarded from McGregor, which is the quote on the poster. Did he spell your name right?

Huh? Did he spell your name right? Who? The man who writes the Chortle. As in Mike Rice? He must not be named. Huh? Did he spell your name right?

He infamously can't spell. Yeah, he did, yeah. That's good. Yeah. Well, no no it was a different fella it wasn't that guy that's the reason I've got four and a half stars from short as well

yeah I got the other guy the other guy there was no way Steve Bennett was giving me four and a half stars oh so it wasn't Steve Bennett no

no no no it was that's not lessened it but it has lessened it it makes it it explains it because he no it does

no sorry I'm talking about mine because I got I got four and a half stars from the standing guy I've never been happy but it has less. Yeah. It makes it, it explains it. Cause he, no, it does. No, sorry. I'm talking about mine. Cause I got, I got four and a half stars from the standing guy. I could never been happy to get a standard. And for most of that fringe, they did the league table of short reviews. And it was me and David O'Doherty at the top on our four and a half. No one had a five.

Nice. Till I die. Yeah. I'm putting that on every fucking poster. Yeah. I was, I was absolutely buzzing with it. And I know it's sickened a lot of people as well

because I'm such a little rotter. You're one of the best troglodytes out there. That's right. You must be a very good rotter though, mustn't you? Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no, no, I'm a master. I'm a master of the dirt and the dark.

But I... That is your next show sort of title. Master of the dirt and the dark. No, but I had a great moment as well, lad, because there was one day, right, my show was, like, it was packed every day. So we were, like, trying to,

bragging here, but so we were trying to get everyone in. And then the lady who was seating everyone just goes, oh, she's like, oh, there's a journalist here

who wants to get a seat. And they hadn't, like, messaged me around. So I said, who's that now? I was, like, leaning down over the balcony So I said, who's that now? I was, like, leaning down over the balcony. I said, who's there? And the journalist said his name. And I was like, didn't you give me a three-star last year?

Didn't you? And he was like, oh, no. I said, no way. And he had to just turn around and walk off. Yeah. Wow. Flexing. Yeah.

And I felt great. But then afterwards, I felt bad. And I emailed him. I was like, sorry for being rude. Yeah. Wow, flexing. Yeah. And I felt great. But then afterwards, I felt bad and I emailed him. I was like, sorry for being rude. Totally. Was there other people there? Huh?

Was it in front of the crowd that was queuing to get in? Oh, the crowd were like behind me and yeah, I'm around. Oh, that is a power move. No, it made me look about. But then like immediately, I was like,

that was quite mean of me to do that. But it felt good in the moment. They're not human though, are they? Huh? Traffic wardens, they're not feeling. Well, I think, human though are they traffic wardens they're not feeling well I think they are traffic wardens

that's what they do 11 months of the year they're putting you know they're giving you fines for parking in drunklets yeah they're cunts

you're in hot water on Sunday the 3rd of November Mike and then Manchester for the other North West day Saturday the 16th noise

and then Newcastle Newcastle the stand 17th of November oh and then I'm in Brighton

Nottingham all these MikeRiceComedy.com check it out lads come on get down to let's get these sold out

I want you to come and love me and touch me and we'll all be friends shall we do some yes Morgan Lee says wag wag lids tragically we lost a powerhouse of music this week Fat Man Scoop who left us Yes Morgan Lee says Wag wag leads

Tragically We lost a powerhouse Of music this week Fatman Scoop Who left us with some Boss final words If you came to party Make some noise

Unreal It was make some It was a kind of If you came to party Make some It was sad Have you seen the video No

I would say it Yeah it's sad He goes If you came to party Make some noise And he dies. Yep. Scoop dies on stage.

On stage. The end of Scoop. Yeah. No more Scoop. I think he was fat on the inside as well. Oh. Yeah, it doesn't count if you're fat on the outside as well.

It's just fat. Isn't that legendary though now? Because do you know, like your man Incognito, the comedian who died on stage and Tommy... Tommy Cooper. What's his face?

Tommy Cooper. Tommy Cooper. Tommy Robinson. Sorry, Cooper. Tommyy robinson yeah that'd be great if he like died in the middle of a racial slur you know i mean yeah that'd be the same thing for him you know you'd have to get his body back from holiday yeah um yeah i suppose i suppose legendary you know between you and your fellow comedians and whatnot. Yeah. But, you know, pretty fucking miserable for your family and everyone in the crowd. That's right.

You know? Would you take it, though? He was trying to get them hyped, wasn't he? And they were like, he was like, ah, is everyone okay? And everyone was like, no. Look, and he's like, yeah, come on, make some noise. And they were like, nah, he's dying, isn't he? Yeah.

Scoop is dying. Oh, they tried to keep going did they no i've just i've just seen when you're doing cpr the guy was like hey come on let's not be down it makes some noise oh no you're absolutely allowed to be down if i'm on scoop is getting cpr yeah i was like no that's right i imagine that's what um tv warm-ups like it's it's worse no it's it's it's worse. It's worse than that. You'd have to power through. I'd rather do TV Walmart for Fat Man Scoop's death. Compare his death. Who's drinking?

Who died harder, Dan or Fat Man Scoop? I've had a drink with Fat Man Scoop. Have you? I've had a beer with him, yeah. What did you... You're part of the problem. You enabled Scoop. You were one of Scoop? Have you? With a beer with him, yeah. What did you... You're part of the problem. You enabled Scoop! You were one of Scoop's enablers.

If you Scoop, there's Scoop's bloaters on your hands. You dirty bastard. He was just this big, fat American guy. Oh. Just cool.

He was just a cool... Yeah, he was one exactly what you think he is. Right. And what were you... Like, what were you asking him? What was the question you'd asked Fat Man Scoop? I was having a beer with him.

I didn't want to be interviewing him. I was just like, he was there, we'd have a beer. Right. It wasn't just me and him. Did you rub his belly or anything? No, it was quite rude. Huh? Quite rude.

Well, sometimes I think them big fellas, they're kind of like, do you know what I mean? They're like genies, lanterns. You rub their belly and you wish for shit. They often don't like that, you know? Do they not? It's like black girls with their hair, you know? Should I not be touching that?

No. Oh. As phenomenal as it is, I think they don't want it touched. Right, right, right, yeah. It's racist. Yeah. I think it's rude before it's racist.

Lied. Unless you go, look at your big black hair, and then it's got some undertones then. But what if you go, look at your big black hair and then it's got some undertones then. But what if you go, look at your big black hair. Not worse. Oh, 100% worse.

Someone made it worse. Is that so bad that it's good now? That's good last words though. If you ever go up to Fat Man Scoop and go, look at your big black belly. I don't think he's going

to like that. Can I touch it? Let me touch it. Can I pet that dog? Can I put my tongue in your belly button? I'd like to die on a Patreon special.

Oh. I don't want to die. The death special. I don't want to die on a public episode. I've crashed a car. I'm not giving death up for pubes. You know? You mean in here or on location somewhere?

Probably on location. As long as you've got PLI. In a tragic accident or like just gone what do you mean just pass away of natural causes yeah

I don't want to die of old age on a patron special you know what we shouldn't have done the nursing home special yeah and it's not even

referred to well we've got to finish come on everybody let's finish the special come on Dan's day what if you got killed by a big gay bull a lazy gay bull a big a big lazy gay bull who's just like it's just like i want to it's like i want to get myself some dance look at look at that fine i want to get myself some uh dan over there if I could. But my cousin had no legs.

That's a good Theo Vaughn. He ended up fucking Dan, who I think might be black or something. I think you're like the Irish Theo Vaughn. You're the closest we've got to it. People have said that in the comments and that made my dick hurt. The light in the dark. John, speaking of being racist, last night on my flight here, no, I did make a faux pas.

It wasn't, I thought I got on the wrong flight because the person, I was on the way to Liverpool, like I saw in my head, but then the announcement came on and it was like, right?

Like just sounded like that. And I was like, oh fuck, I'm off to Italy or something. I'm after getting on the wrong fucking flight. Is this in Dublin airport? No, this is on the flight. So we're in the air. And I was like, because, fuck, I'm off to Italy or something. I'm after getting on the wrong fucking flight. Is this in Dublin airport? No, this is on the flight. So we're in the air. And I was like, because my friend recently got on a flight to London instead of Manchester.

I don't know how he did it. But then I was like, and I black out a lot sober. Like I just kind of forget what's happening. And then I wake up a while later. You drink to remember. Yeah. Honestly, I'm like a lot of times sober. I'm just, I'm like, oh wait, how did I get here?

I'm just away and thinking about making a cow come. And so, but anyway, then, so then I was like, fuck. And then I looked around me and people seemed to have kind of tans. I was like, oh, I'm on the way to fucking Italy now. I'm such a stupid cunt, I have to do Have a Word tomorrow. And then there was like one of the like ladies was coming past and I goes I goes

are we is this flight to Liverpool and she was like yeah I did that on the train is this stopping at Houston

yeah and she was like yeah and then I was like why was the announcements in like fucking some fucking gobbledygook language there

and then she was she just goes I was speaking English and I was like oh he goes no you weren't were you

and she goes he goes no you weren't and she just came the dirtiest look and kind of walked off and then I thought oh shit

that was probably racist was it yeah yeah don't say it like that was she white or was she like did she have hair

that you'd like to touch no she was she was she was white, did she have hair that you'd like to touch? No, she was white, but one of the kind of, do you know the whites now, yeah, where the, you know, there's a few teeth missing then. Do you know what I mean? What flight was this?

Her father gave her a few belts kind of thing. Do you know what I mean? Eastern European, do you know what I mean? She was, you know, she got kicked down a staircase or two.

Get you a good deal on gravel. Huh? two. Get you a good deal on gravel. Huh? She'd get you a great deal on gravel. But yeah, so I felt like then, and then I also, when I was checking in my bag, like a big 20 kg bag, and I got humiliated by the girl on the desk.

I was checking in and I forgot what you do. And so I came up with my big bag and I came up to the desk. She just looked at me and I just goes you do and so I came up with my big bag and I came up to the desk she just looked at me and I just goes Mike Rice and then

hello Michael I just goes Mike Rice and she goes yeah and then I goes I don't know what I'm supposed to do

and she goes give me your passport I was like okay fly off that's the most Irish thing ever listen I've given you my name yeah

and I've given my word I just bagged Mike Rice and even as I was doing it I'm like God I'm some fucking Did you check the passports Before they got on the plane

No they seem like good lads I'm some tick cunt Do you ever realise like how I This I And you Maybe you can

Empathise with this You okay Mike I just My brain sometimes I'm just so Exhausted with how dumb I am Like I was like I was doing my Washing like in my house in London.

And I was like, I was taking the clothes out of the washing machine. I was just taking that washing machine, I bring it across the room, putting it in a basket. Oh, you said this last time, yeah. Huh? You ended up in Italy. Huh? You said I'm bringing the basket over to you.

Yeah. I'm just like, someone had to tell me, you have to bring the basket close to something to fill it. And I'm like, I'm just. I think it's because you've got that beautiful mind, you know? You're not suited to like

day-to-day chores, but my God, you can knock out an Edinburgh show 4.5 stars from chore. 4.5 stars, troglodytes view. Yeah, yeah. Can't do his washing,

but my God, he knows the fringe. Do you like Edinburgh? Did you like being there? Yeah, I've had a great time there. There's a lot of bullshit that I think if you can tune out of it, it's a lot better. The industry side of it, do you like edinburgh did you like being there yeah i've had a i've had a great time there there's a lot of bullshit that i think if you can tune out of it it's a lot better the industry side of it the sort of manic self-promotion it is a works conference if you go with that attitude i think

you can stress yourself out if you go up with the attitude of hey i'm gonna get to do an hour of comedy a night to people who mainly let you do whatever you want and a sound yeah and then you're in a beautiful city you don't have to drive anywhere loads of your mates are knocking about that's the time i took my family up i've had great time when i was single before i met laura when i was a bit clean skin basically yeah i took up champ manager 0102 and completed about 38 seasons in a fringe it's great yeah i watched all the watched all the Hunger Games. It's great. I was like, I don't want to do all of the bullshit, so I'll just tune into this.

Yeah. And I think, you know, you still do your show and you still see friends and you still watch other shows. Yeah. But when people are like, oh my God, did you see who got this?

I was like, no, no, I've just won the Champions League with Sunderland. Yeah. That's my five stars. I watched all the Hunger Games. Did you watch the prequel? The snow one?

No, I haven't watched that yet. Very good. But I watched like the last ones where Did you watch the prequel? The snow one? No, I haven't watched that yet. Very good. But I watched like the last ones where like it was like Philip Seymour Hoffman's last movie. Do you know him? Yeah. And he was on heroin at the time.

So he just, he looks fucking bad, but he's still good. And I thought that's a great actor. If you can do it while you're dying on heroin. There was an interview between Philip Seymour Hoffman and Robin Williams. Oh.

Within a year of their death go away it is two people just struggling with their own mental health and you're like I don't want that on my algorithm it's the saddest

like he's so tortured you can tell Philly yeah Philly cheesesteak ah yeah talking about deaths

and what would their final words have been oh you mean Fat Man Scoop nice can I just you deserve it that was lovely let me just get it

oh smooth smooth jazz you might not just be a producer that's host that's host stuff that's host shit oh

fuck me quite practical last words patreon.com slash have a word pod but that's not necessary because it's already on the yeah

I'm thinking about the clip in my own death the clip yeah I don't know so that means people people like oh shit i'll be like oh i bet he's in the woods right these are your last words yeah are we saying what our last words would be like the millions that under the under the bad badger right there's millions that says jeffrey just start singing the toysys R Us theme tune. Yeah, something like, why did they do that?

What the fuck? Oh, yeah, yeah. The gold is under the garden office. That'd be great. You know what it is? Yeah. So no one gets to enjoy my garden office. They just rip it up trying to find the gold.

When there's fuck all there, brilliant. Fuck you. I've taken my garden office with me. You can't take things with you, but you can ruin them for everyone else. That's nice. Yeah. Do you know what? Speak. Do You can't take things with you, but you can ruin them for everyone else. That's nice. Yeah. Do you know what?

Speak. Do you know what? Is that you, Muhammad? Just to freak everyone out. Michael Barrymore did do it. Yeah. How would you know that in your death? They don't know how I know.

They're like, oh shit, did he know? He was just saying it like a ghost already. So, so, so. Don't fall off a cliff. So we're with you. We're with you. And you've,'ve you know you're dying and then you go michael barrymore did do it and we go wow it's very informative isn't it

that last few seconds of just with that suggests that you're getting to the pearly gates and just before they sign you in for an eternity in heaven they're like hey just to let you know you've made it you're in heaven this is for the end till the end of time so well done also michael barrymore did do it just to clear that up we let everyone know at the pearly gates I'd want a list of

if I got to the pearly gates I'd want questions answered yeah the bad who's the bad was he a bad dude did David Jason do it I'd want

like to know what happened to Maddy as I got to the pearly gates because God knows yeah God knows you're doing this at the pearly gates because God knows. Yeah. God knows. You're doing this

at the pearly gates. You've got the rest. I'm bargaining to get in. I'm like, Finn, you're at the pearly gates and they're like, Finlay,

Kuvalu's. I mean, this was a close one because you might not have got in because of heritage, but you're in because you seem like a good lad. Hell of a producer.

And you go, whoa, whoa, whoa. Before I get in, I want answers. Yeah. Get in,

mate. Like, get through the pearly gates. Get in first and then I'll start with the, before I get in, I want answers. Yeah. Get in, mate. Get through. Get in first and then start with the app. That's the first question. That's your first question. What happened to Maddy? Don't be nosy at the gate or they could be like,

this lad's a nightmare. It would be higher up on the list. Did Luis Garcia's goal actually cross the line? No, it didn't. We've got the answer to that one. Right. Who built the pyramids? Was Adrian Mutu ruined by Lemo or was he just a shit footballer

god i'll know that's a better right question was churchill gay yeah yeah all if you mention adrian mutu at the pearly gates and then don't get in heaven that's on you in it it is yeah yeah because he's not in there but yeah i'm going with him a mystery death oh here's a thing and they're like oh my god what the fuck and then you'll last in eternity I might die trying to think of the thing

I'll say ah hang on what was I saying ah he's dying no don't do CPR I've got something to say

I'm trying to do banter forgive me lord Jesus Christ do you think it's cool when people have like like there's people's famous last words and they're like quite profound do you think that's good

or do you think you'd want you'd want to fuck people up John Lennon says hey what's that good no but I go to George Harrison

he said love one another and then he died it's a bit profound who said that hey George Harrison he said love one

another yeah he was a he was a soft country he was the best beetle he was the best beetle fact who loveag his wife he was the best Beatle

fact who? love one another George Harrison was the best Beatle but he let Clapton shag his wife yeah because he was the best Beatle and he made the best solo music as well he made

listen maybe the best album yeah the best album the most successful album I do believe George Harrison was the goat didn't think he was not and then he wasn't

he was a cock he was a bloody glorified cock I jumped on cock I'm looking I'm looking for give me some of that Elvis's was past the bog

and all that lad inner scouts actor I loved I loved John Lennon's hey what's that gun there whoa Frank Sinatra Frank Sinatra's was

I'm losing right he's playing FIFA Churchill was something about the curtains or the decor wasn wasn't it? Either those curtains go or... I'm sure he was shit-faced.

He hadn't a clue whether he was coming or going. Churchill's was... I'm looking for people that we actually know. I don't know any of these people. Yeah, you know Winston Churchill. I know him, but I can't find that. I'm on the... Kill Gandhi.

Kill Mahatma Gandhi. Kill Gandhi! We've already killed him, Winston. Kill him again! Dig him up, kill him again! No, don't take this down. He's telling've already killed him, Winston. Kill him again. Dig him up. Kill him again. No, don't take this down.

He's telling people in the room, don't write that down. We'll say he said something else. Yes. God bless Royal Britannia. Do you not know any of these people? Yes, I do. I'm trying to find one that's good.

Oh. Let me ask you this now. If you died, would you want your partner to meet someone else? Me? Yes. Would you want Your partner To meet someone else Me? Sensei Yes Would you want them to be Have some other fella

Sweating on top of them How soon after? Huh? How soon? But like pretty Pretty soon No No

40 years So would you agree with the Hindus And what they used to do Very rarely A thing called As As You know

As As a practice, not really. So what they used to do was, if the husband died, the wife would have to, when he was kind of being buried at this place, she'd have to lie down and burn herself alive. It's called soté.

Soté. Yeah. Soté. And if any women had any bit of decency these days they'd do it yeah it doesn't it doesn't seem like

a good option childcare wise considering I've got two kids you know forget that come on come in saute I know it's a bit late

but I found Churchill's last words I'm bored with it all he was playing FIFA as well yeah he said what I'm bored with it all supersize me

what was open his last words James Brown James Brown said I'm going away tonight that'size me. What was open as last words? James Brown said, I'm going away tonight. That's cool. Oh, nice. What was open as last words? On the night shift.

Steve Jobs was just, oh, wow, oh, wow, oh, wow. He was some cunt, that Jobs. That was a lot of painkillers he was on there. Yeah. Oh, wow, oh, wow, oh, wow. Elvis, I'm going to the bathroom to read. Right. Yeah.

You read with your nose, do we Elvis? You fucking, you fat slob. Come on. I'm just reporting what they've said. I don't,

I wasn't there. I reckon we should have Ayrton Senna's fuck a wall. Come on. No. No. I'm not having this.

Cruel. Groucho Marx's was funny. Where was that one? He did a joke. Would you not want to do Cruel. Groucho Marx's was funny. Where was that one? He did a joke. Would you not want to do a joke on your deathbed, Dan? I don't do jokes in real life, my son. Do a joke that doesn't have an end. Groucho Marx, as he was dying, said,

this is no way to live. Ah! One of his best bits. Strong. Strong. I tell you what, it's a closer. Yeah. Come on.

Easy now. Shall we do some things I believed? What do you reckon to that? It's like Adam and Nina. Nah, I never knew that. That's the question, though. I never knew that. Yeah, it is because Adam's not here.

Because when he's not here, everyone just rolls with everything. It's easy. Oh, this is shite. Cut it out. Things I believe. Ryan Turleyley says when i was younger oh have you got anything listen let me explain it things i believed is basically we could rename this feature uh bullshit that our dads taught us just to wind us up i can give you an example if you want the one i did but it's not one my dad taught me

right i used to think bumming was two men would charge at each other at the last minute, jump, turn around and slap arses. And slap arses. Yeah. And that's not what it is. I don't think so. I had a potato famine one.

Yeah, potato famine. I learned that an hour ago. From Phil Ellis. That didn't happen. I overheard my mum telling someone that my dad was a straight line artist because someone said oh it's because she's quite arty and she was like oh is peter arty as well and she was like no he's more of a straight line artist and what she meant was he does like design and stuff and like

because he was a civil engineer but i just thought he was exceptional at drawing a straight line like i thought he was like no but i mean that's i thought straight line artist was like i tell you what peter's party trick's amazing just draw a straight line and he could do it so without a ruler without a ruler and everyone was like oh my god that's so straight that will be right and i honestly worked out what happened there when i was about 27 right um have you got any things you believe so i i and obviously everyone did to a degree but we believed in like santa to a an insane degree where uh because i was in i was in a school of like there was like 45 in the whole school so my class had six people we were out the country so we were very innocent like we were very

we didn't really like uh believe in hate or badness or evil. We were just the flowers and the squirrels and the wind. And, but then one time we got a fucking, a fella sent to our school. A bad, a bad guy from the town got sent to our school. A townie? Yeah. Well, he gets sent to be rehabilitated. Do you know what I mean?

Like that. Right. His nastiness would melt In the face of our Goodness So he came out And first thing he fucking said Right

September He comes in And he just goes First off Santa's not real And we're like It was September It wasn't even seasonally appropriate

Is he teaching the class It sounds like he's at the front Huh Where is he at this point He just gathered us round In the class There's only six of us So we're all at one table Right So he was sounds like he's at the front. Huh? Where is he at this point? He just gathered us round in the clutch. There's only six of us. So we're all at one table.

Right? So he was just like, Santa's not real. How old are you at this point? Huh? We're maybe like... Seven or eight. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

At this stage, we're like 11, 10, 11. Oh, come on. No, but lad, I'm telling you, we were living in like, it was like a tier in an oak, like the wind in the willows,

a land of, you know, squirrels and frogs. And so, you know, this is, we counted among our best friends, a heifer. So,

so anyway, he says, Santa's not real. And this is how, like this is how innocent dressers are. We just goes, all right, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He goes off then, he goes, we were like, he must think we were born fucking yesterday does he santa's not real is he not where would my father get a sleigh he must think we're stupid he's naughty so he doesn't get any presents he's trying to ruin it for fucking all of us stupid bastard anyway right anyway his name was tom cummins right so anyway uh anyway, so Cummins says this. Anyway, I'm going into secondary school. This is when I'm like 12. So I'm going in.

So my mother has to, she's like, we cannot send the kids in believing in fucking. You can't go to big school believing in Santa. Believing in Santa. They're going to, you know what I mean? They're going to beat you to death with hurls. So anyway, she sits me down and she was like, and she's like, listen.

She's like, look look Santa's not real or whatever the fuck all like this and I genuinely looked at her I was like you've been talking to Tom Cummins have you

you've been smoking fags with Tom Cummins that's he's a bad guy he's a fucking scumbag is what he is do you know what I mean I thought he had

literally told I was like don't listen to him man it's lies you know and she had to be like no we buy you the shit and i was i couldn't believe it i couldn't believe it i can't remember i can't remember being told i think i just i don't know i think we've got one more christmas with etta like i think why is she she's uh seven she'll be eight in february this will be the last of it oh come on yeah

I found out what blowjobs were because this is 2024 yeah from who my daughter no I found out what blowjobs were around the same time I found out Farcrest wasn't real

and I remember thinking I shouldn't I shouldn't know when a guy in a Santa suit sucked you off no someone taught me what a blowjob was I was like

I'm too young to know that. Yeah, well, I hope she doesn't find out about that. But I think it's going to be hard to keep the magic alive. Right. She's just getting to that age. We're not all in the countryside.

You've got to bring her to the countryside, lad. We did volunteering. When we were in high school, we had to go back to our primary schools and do volunteering. Cool.

And it was in, there was a kid in year three. It was like after school, like helping them with i don't know coloring and stuff it was around christmas they were planning a christmas party and they were like be careful like because this lad's a bit of a loose cannon and he was jehovah's witness which is not normally associated i know a year three loose cannon jehovah's witness at a party it's the coolest little content I've ever heard about and he was just it was like right

colouring these things as Santa and instead he just went round and wrote on everyone's things Santa is not real your mum and dad are lying on every single person's

Santa thing he's a fucking he's like like Alex Jones of his time I tell you what Tom Cummins he can just deny it

yeah he's like Tom Cummins is saying sad things. He can be like, ah, he's ballads. That's right. But this little fucker's leaving evidence. Smart. I like that.

Kids shouldn't believe in Father Christmas. What a load of shit. Whoa! Hey! I've spent my hard-earned money. What? On my niece. And she's like, oh, I'm like, that cunt's taking all my money.

Oh, no, no, hang on, hang on. The kids don't think every present's from Santa. Well, I've never spoke to her about it, so I don't want to... Oh, so this is what we do. Basically, as a parent, you spend the most, but you have to give up the ownership. The glory. Every other family member gets to go,

look what I've got you. How stupid are the kids, then? Yeah, they're dead stupid, yeah. Kids are thick. It's good, though. It was Santa who brought all the presents, but some of them were from Auntie Kathy. Yeah.

Well, when Laura's brother turns up and gets a badly wrapped present out of a bag, it's very hard to be like, yeah, Santa just dropped it off at your uncle's house first. I'm going to make a new guy up. Who? Like Trevor? Yeah, Alan Venting.

Smelly Trevor. I thought you said Alan. Alan Venting? Alan Venting's coming down. I'll make a cooler guy. Smelly Trevor. I thought you said Alan. Alan Venting. Alan Venting's coming down. I'll make a cooler guy. Smelly Trevor. No, cool. All right.

Like, yeah, James. Nice smelling Trevor. James Bond drops your presents off. It's bollocks. They're all bollocks, innit? So why not make it cool? Father Christmas is a fat gimp. What do you mean he's a fat gimp?

He's a lovely old white bearded man. It's just because he sucked him off. Did something happen to you in the shopping centre with Santa well I've said this before I mean it's trodden on

I wouldn't let him in my house you wouldn't let Santa in what are you going to do block the chimney you cunt no we had an electric

one the same as Adam so it wasn't stupid right I went mum what happens and she went oh he just gets

in the doors and I went there's an old man in the house I'm going to sleep downstairs she went yeah I went I'm going to

have a nap so she had to build me a Wendy house outside yeah and I went there's an old man in the house I'm going to sleep downstairs she went yeah I went I'm not having that so she had to build me a Wendy house outside yeah kill three postmen he'd visit that instead so I'd come down and be like

has he been and look outside she's like well not in here no and he'd look out and like he'd been like she put like footprints on the roof of the

Wendy house and he'd visit my little Wendy house for me presents I'm not having him in the house we're in bed are you mad right so you used to go out and just take the presents out and be like looking around just like yeah He'd visit my little Wendy house for me presents. Whenever I'm in the house, we're in bed, are you mad? Right.

So you used to go out and just take the presents out and be like, looking around just like, yeah. Sounds like a fun child. Huh? You were a nightmare. There's a bit of nymnogs to you. No, I just sound like a smart child. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I protected my family.

I didn't want fucking fat old freaks in my house. And I'm a kip. He comes in your room and everything, drinks your milk. But you leave him the milk. It's a present, Carl. thought i blowed your bop i knew the guy that played father christmas in our local thing and i remember this is sitting on his knee and going rob oh no why did you know that huh i know this knee i just like that's the that's the guy that comes around for what? Smart.

Rotten old Rotten. That's a bit of Poirot. Ryan Turley says, when I was younger, I asked my cousin, how does Park Ji-sung get on for United? He said it's because

he sells shirts in Asia. For years, I thought Park Ji-sung set up a stall in a Korean market during the week and travelled back for the games on the weekend.

That's from Ryan. Perfect, Ryan. That's nice, Ryan. Yeah. I saw a Part G song in Chorlton once. Did you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Small man.

Small man. Wearing the Man United tracksuit just of his own time. Do you know that? I like that. I really like that. He might have just been to work. What?

Might have just been to work. Yeah, maybe. Or maybe he's just like, ah, I couldn't give a shit buying clothes. He might have just been to work. These clothes, what? Might have just been to work. Yeah, maybe. Or maybe he's just like, ah, I couldn't give a shit buying clothes. These cunts keep giving me free ones. And I liked him. What was he? He was like a really unlikely friendship group

of him, Evra, Tevez. And who? Tevez. They were best buds. They wore fancy clothes and they went disco dancing together.

And they were brothers. And none of them could understand the other one. They're all speaking to us i just think it's cute but he um ferguson said that if he had put park g song on messy 2011 they would have won they would have won park g song so he had perlo he had perlo still gets nightmares about party everyone loves bringing up the Perlow. Ah, yeah. Brent Music says, whenever we were driving over the Runcorn Bridge as a kid,

the old one, my dad used to ask if we wanted to go over the top, the arch, or the bottom, the actual bridge. Being a shithouse, I nearly used to have a breakdown, so we drove across the bottom. Respect. But Brent genuinely believed that they could go right over the arch. Right.

Rhys Caldray says, when we were younger, my dad told my brother that he was ordering shark and chips instead of fishing chips from the chippy. My brother must've been about eight at the time. My dad knew the chippy place well that we went to. So he told the people that were there to go along with it. And,

and it's his proudest achievement. Oh, sorry. Sorry. So he told the people that were there to go along with it and it's his proudest achievement. Oh, sorry. So he told the people that were there to go along with it. He did it every week until he was about 12 years old. I think it's one of my dad's proudest achievements. If you were able to get a battered fin up, it would have been sick.

But as soon as you've got a hired gun who's playing along with the bullshit, that is it. Oh yeah, you've won. I could do that now with Celica if I rang her head what do you mean if I rang the champion

you couldn't because she's an intelligent 32 year old she's a very intelligent woman but if you've got a hired gun everyone feels am I being stupid here can I have a battered shard

she'd be like but yeah they always get it I think she's buying so very intelligent but it's hard when every like it's hard when every like it's very

so we all believed in Santa and Jesus and everything I did anyway when everyone's telling you one thing it's hard to believe Antonellis right

when you're a kid yeah yeah as soon as you've got a member of staff on board you're flying Chris says I was always told by my dad and believed

that having the interior light on in the car while driving was illegal even now I'm not 100% sure it's not it is illegal Chris Chris told by my dad and believed that having the interior light on in the car while driving was illegal. Even now I'm not 100% sure it's not. It is illegal. Chris, I'm with you on this one because I truly believe it's illegal.

I couldn't imagine. What are you doing? Turn the light on? It's like the police will come. I don't know. We're all children. Just like, please get the light on. Do you want me to dispel the myth? Is it illegal? It's not illegal.

Whoa! It is though. I've seen you try and work the internet. It's laboured. It feels so illegal. I think it might be illegal. What are you on? It's a myth.

What are you on? This is Google AI. What's your source? Google AI. AI's lying is part of it. Fine, the next thing. Diamond Advanced Motorists. What does it say?

It's actually a myth. Okay. Why did Dad say it so much? I mean, I don't know, but... Is Google AI... Google AI? Is Google AI... Is Google AI...

Is Google AI just Google just quickly going through the whole of the internet in two seconds? Right. Yeah. So it's probably... If I'm getting stuff wrong,

there was a lot of comments last week on that. I got wrong blame me internet don't blame me did you get told about watching tv that your eyes go square yeah yeah that's a common one tell me tell me often stop and if you make faces that if the wind changes the face will stick i believe that yeah and i still made the faces and i was like, fuck it. Let the cards fall where they may. And if you let Santa sweat you off. If my face is like this forever. Dan Willis says, last one. Dan Willis, I've got a cousin. Jesus.

I've got a cousin with Down syndrome. When I was about six, maybe seven, I asked my dad why he was like he was. And my dad told me that when he was younger, he drank Robinson's squash without putting water in it. And I believe that's how you got Down syndrome so we learnt about it in year 9 That is spectacular

That's fantastic He drank Robinson's Yeah he's got Down syndrome Can I ask you a question What lesson was that by the way? No come on, lads. Quick question. I was talking with someone about this recently.

Beans from Even Stevens. Did he have Down syndrome? No. No, he's just ugly. Huh? He's just a weird-looking kid. He just looked like he did. Yeah.

Bit of a day walker himself. There's a kid in my school who looked like him. Like Beans? Yeah. So he was a ladies' man. Dan Willis, you've got me. Huh?

He's got me. That was a great one. That was good. We'll close it up. Tasty. Ishan Navid Akbar is an emergency stand-in guest

for today's episode. He'll be back after the break. My God. It's as good as it gets. It's as good as it gets. Two of my favorite Bellens. Ah, come on. With all my other favorite Bellens. I'm a chocolate

ice. See you in a bit. Bye. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Hi, everybody. It's Jungle Jim Jerome, and I'm super excited to tell you that Inside Curling is back with Canadian and World Curling Hall of Famers Kevin Martin and

Warren Hanson. I'm Kevin Martin, and this curling season, we will be bringing you our ever-popular weekly show along with special coverage from the Canadian Championships, World Championships, and of course the Grand Slam of Curling. I'm Warren Hanson. Our weekly show will bring you five popular segments. What's happening around the curling world, hot rock topics, mailbag, what are you hearing, and in the house.

First show of this season will be coming at you September 16th. Look out, here we come! ACAST helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com Oh, we are back with a pod legend. Royalty. Have a word. First Ballot Hall of Famer.

Oh. Ishan Navid David Akbar. Oh. Hello. Nice. First Ballot Hall of Famer. Oh. Ishan Navid David Akbar. Oh. Hello. Nice. First Ballot Hall of Famer. Yeah. Is it?

Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, nice. Number one. Thanks, everyone. This could be it. Did he win? Yeah.

Did I win? You can do it now. Huh? You can do whatever you want, Carl. You officially are first. Yeah. Am I? Yeah.

We put it on Patreon. Oh, thanks, everyone. That's so nice. Well, it's going to be announced at a later date, but we'll tell you right now that you are number one here. Oh! Well, how cool is that? Come on.

You're very lucky to have me here. If you're a first-time listener or viewer, let's hope he lives up to the legend. Although, he is on the... I mean, it's not a surprise is it? You know, you're on I'm on the wall, there I'm on the wall outside. I'm on a few different pictures. But nevertheless

I'm the people's champion, that's what that is. I'm like the rock. Unlike on Celebrity MasterChef where although you were popular. What happened bro? Listen, Celebrity MasterChef, right? That was racist. We need, bro? Listen. What happened? Come on. The Celebrity MasterChef, right? That was racist. We need to talk about that.

Oh! Right? Because, because... They had you on. They're trying. They're trying. Yeah, that's true.

And they let me make a bit of curry. That's nice. But street food, can I just say, shepherd's pie, cheese and onion pie, not street food. You didn't choose that, did you?

No, but that's what the other guys made. You get shepherd's pie at the match. To me, street food, you should be able to buy it outside the match. No, that is not street food. That's stadium food. It's on the street? I mean, like a van? It's a stadium. It's a van? Stadium

streets. It's a van? No, that is not street food. I'm sorry. What did you serve? Morgai paratha, which is stuffed paratha with mince and eggs. Boys, we're going to get a pint in a morgai paratha. A pint in a morgai paratha? And dal puri,atha which is stuffed paratha with mince and eggs or is it we're going to get a pines and a moghlai paratha a pines and a moghlai paratha and dal puri which is like stuffed puri with dal

which is what you'd get street food yeah you'd get street food Bangladesh Pakistan any brown country they'll serve that any brown country

name some more brown countries no I'm alright Ghana all the stans not all the stans are brown Ghana that is what not all the stans are brown Ghana that is what

not all the stans are brown they're kind of Uruguay don't make me be that guy no they're not Afghanistan is not a brown country

what what is it you know Mexico Dagestan not a brown there you go great shout

brown country yeah but not brown people right but street food wise you went with authentic authentic street food South Asian yeah street food I will not. But street food wise, you went with authentic authentic street food.

South Asian street food. I will not accept that street food like shepherd's pie or cheese and onion pie is considered a street food in the UK.

It's not. No, it isn't. No. Thank you. And a fruit kebab. Oh, a fruit kebab. Danielle Harrell from EastEnders.

I love you, but she made a kebab of fruit. I don't love her. What's a fruit kebab? Is that cooking? She made a brownie and then put some strawberries on it.

Is that cooking? Is that cooking? Is that cooking? That ain't cooking, bitch. Yeah, bitch. That ain't even cooking, bitch. I should have said that. I should have said that.

So someone from EastEnders made a fruit kebab. Yeah. So. Nah, nah, nah. So they just got a skewer and just stuck it in a fruit bowl

a skewer yeah and put some fruits and a brownie that she'd cooked and cut up in squares and put a little sauce on it

and that was it that sounds nice to be fair is it better than a paratha nicer than a moogla paratha moogla paratha is it vegetarian I can make a vegetarian one

without the mince or make corn mince for you a ghost moogla moogla paratha make it and I'll judge moogla will you ok I'll have to make that. Muggle it. Make it and I'll judge. Muggle it. Will you?

Okay. I'll have to make that. Then, in that episode, I also made scallops in a professional restaurant and the chef said, not even his trained chefs make scallops as well as I did. Oh!

How do you make scallops? What? I'll tell you the thing. When you cook them. You just find them. Yeah. I had to, what do you call it?

Shuck them. Do you shuck scallops? Open them. You shuck them? Yeah. Shuck them. Shuck and jive. Yeah. I had to, what do you call it? Shuck them. Do you shuck scallops? Open them. You shuck them. Yeah, shuck them. Shuck and jive. Yeah, shuck. Hard.

Uh-huh. It is hard work. You'd know. Yeah. They really press on your fucking skin. Yeah. I have no clue. I have no clue.

Genuinely, I'm such a food special. What's the, what's a scallop? A scallop is like an oyster. Yeah, kind of. It's in a food special. What's a scallop? A scallop is like an oyster. Yeah, kind of. It's a big shell. Same as a scallop.

You've got to open the shell up. Big shell. Big shell. What? A scallop and a scallop. It's a big shell. A scallop. I thought scallop and scallop were the same thing.

Just let the man talk. One of them's in the chippy. What's he... What's it? A scallop or a scallop? I'd say scallop. I'm letting the man talk. I don't want to know what it is.

It's like a clam. It's like a clam, yeah. It's from the same family. And then you have to put it in like juices and. Yeah, you put it in like pan fry it, get a lovely little sauce, get it over the top of it. I heard you undercooked some chicken. Twice.

Oh, is that what you want to talk about, really? I don't know. Did you try and kill Greg Wallace? I didn't try to. Yeah, I did. I didn't try to. He didn't eat the chicken. Also, you can't undercook chicken.

I was going to ask what I call that. I think you can. No, I think medically you can. No, I don't think, listen. Was it pink? No, it wasn't pink. It was like a dark mauve. I would say...

I love that mauve. Here's a question. Mike, do you watch chicken? Do I watch it? Do you wash? Do you watch chicken? Sometimes I have watched chickens in my time. Do I wash chicken?

I... No. What, when you get it out of the pack? When I get out of the thing. When you get it out i want to get out the thing when you get it out of the pack from yeah oh that's going under the water yeah yes thank you do you not wash it oh no i do yeah do you wash chicken before you cook it no see we wash chicken all the time i don't wash chicken i just got embarrassed why do you wash it lad of course you get out of the fucking packet it's got yeah but it's in the healthy plastic Yeah it's plastic on your chicken Do you wash your fruit?

Huh? That's a big question Like a banana Would I wash a banana? No After you peel it No after you peel it Do you wash the banana?

Of course I don't What? No I No stop Stop No you're being Any No

If you had a pun of the grapes Do you wash them? I wash the saliva in my mouth when I eat it. That's insane. Oh, that's genetically modified tank. Worms. The worms can go in. No.

I grew up with cows shitting in my mouth. I'm immune. I can eat anything. The chemicals though, Mike, innit? But you're there, oh, I washed a banana. Next thing you're sticking your tongue up some London young woman's arsehole and that's fine.

He washes that as well? So, huh? He washes that? He does in his arse. I don't do it with the London women. Huh? Huh? What, would you say, hey, scrub that now before I'm...

That's drowsy. I am, unless you've douched, I'm not licking your arsehole. Oh! That's rude. Are you raw-dogging bumholes? Are you raw-dogging bumholes? Fucking raw not licking your asshole oh that's rude are you raw dog in bumholes are you raw dog in bumholes what the hell are you doing wait okay you and your you and your date go for a mexican dinner yeah you go home you start having sex yeah she's had burritos yeah and then you're getting a bit kinky and you go right i'm happy to go into your bumhole now

because there is some taco juice leaking. And listen, and that's what I'd call the cherry on top. Listen, that's dessert. No, come here now. Churros are dessert. No, I do. Listen, although I did hear. I did hear.

Comes out in the right shape. I did hear, though, the right shape I did hear though the churros yeah they are quite pooish they are pooish aren't they in their

I don't think there's anything wrong if you're about to make sweet sweet bum based love yeah being like listen you need to wash

come here it is minimum wet wipe well listen but then you go now then you get wet wipe flavour in your listen. But then you go, now they make it wet wipe flavour in your mouth. But listen now.

Would you rather that than shit? Hold on. Would you rather taste wet wipe than shit? Hold on now. No, Charlie, can you wipe it off before I lick it?

Come on. This is, you've all lost your minds. No, no, no, no, no. You're wrong. No, I'm not wrong. I'm a troglodyte. I'm a man of the cave.

I go on instinct. I will go, I'll not wrong. I'm a troglodyte. I'm a man of the cave. I go on instinct. I will go, I'll see you. It's bravery, it's courage. Third day of festival. Get in a tent. Absolutely. And if it's dirty, I'll clean it. I once dated someone who was very active in the

ex-Muslim community. There's a whole group of people who were like rampant ex-Muslims. Sounds like a porn site. Huh? Yeah, a little bit. Exmuslims.com. Ex-Hamster, ex-Muslims. They've escaped the church and stuff.

Yeah, basically. You know when Jehovah's break free? Yeah. So they've got a whole group. And I don't even want this one girl. And her response to her ex-muslimness was to do nothing absolutely anything remotely associated with being a muslim she stopped doing and one of them was washing her bum right after she had a muslim huh that's just everyone no but not everyone washes their ass

we talked about this before i'll wash wash right so then that that will be really pronounced for the audio listeners. Mike just going, mmm. Former Muslim bumhole, mmm. So whenever me and this girl would have sex, her favourite position was doggy. Fair enough. Everyone's got their thing.

But the problem was every time we had sex, basically I could see like a line of wet poo like between her cheeks oh no what? she dirty dirty little girl and it'd be quite smelly because with the sweat come and

poo smell well poo is historically smelly so I could never bring myself to tell her that she needed to wash because from the front, it was fine. But from the back, it was like, I don't want to do this. High at the front, shit at the back.

What? High at the front, shit at the back. It's Sean. It's Sean. It's Sean. That was a public service You should have been doing With this lady Going hey

Fine You're free You're free of those shackles Great But get a wet wipe On that bumhole Yeah so basically What happened

Is after About five or six times Of this happening Five or six Yeah because I thought Maybe it was a one off Maybe it was a one off

Five times Right Who knew Fool me once Fool me five times Shit on my dick five times, right? Who knew? Fool me once. Fool me five times. Shit on my dick. Maybe I'm into it.

Who knew? And then eventually we broke up. By the sixth time we were about to have sex. And then when we broke up, that's when I told her. Your ass was pooey. Yeah, basically I said, just for future reference, can you just wash your asshole? But she might have just taken it as like

a part in jab I'd have got the culture pressure washer out before the second bomb I'm getting a K4 on that darling

I was 23 I didn't have a culture pressure washer yeah yeah it's I had I actually had a lady who taught

me about my bum in America and she was like that's you've got I don't know what's going on there now who's the African lady a lady who taught me about my bum in America and she was like, that's, you've got to, I don't know what's going on there now.

Was it the African lady? No, no, it was an Indian woman. It was a woman of colour though, yes. A walk? Huh? A walk?

Yes. A walk. So you were dating an Indian woman? I was. Thank you. And she had, because I don't think anyone else here has dated an Indian woman.

They wouldn't have the balls. Now, just quickly, Mike, have you ever dated a non-white person? I dated her for about an hour and ten minutes after a night out. Fair. Okay. Finn? He is non-white, though.

Police ain't stopping him, are they? For what? Shut up. Have you dated a non-white person? No. Right, okay. So carry on, Mike. So listen.

You have my unending respect. Well, I'm just, I've also shifted a man, I've sucked my tongue in a man's, I'm a man of the world. What was that? To a man? I had a kiss,

a French kiss with a man. I've done that four times. Well, don't be trying to outdo me. I'm cool, I'm saying. Now, I'm a cool man but uh so yeah but she was literally

like you know she literally taught me how to to wash myself properly she was I'm not joking I'm not was she older

oh she was eight years older now and she was a fire dancer and she had taught about things and but so she um uh

so she literally gave me a bath. She was like, this is an aloofer. Was she a babysitter? I was paying her, yes, but she... She gave you a poo stick. It's not a poo stick, it's an aloofer.

No, not aloofer. Loofer. A loofer is distance. It was a loofer. It's a loofer. Loofer. Huh? A loofer is distance. It was a loofer. It's a loofer. It's in the loofer. Now, I never knew that. And a loofer, that's just somebody who doesn't want to speak to you very much.

Right. It's a thing on a stick. It's a poo. But you can get the handheld ones. No, you get the handheld ones. But you get it really in there and you'd get your your arse shiny spanking clean yeah

but anyway so she had that and then she showed me out to in her house they had a bidet and she was washing my arse with a bidet which would have been a lot of years

so it was like do you know what I mean there wasn't enough water in the world to wash me really at that point it had kind of all become like a colonic do you know what I mean

yeah yeah yeah it was like Pompeii but but she but she really taught me Like a colonic Do you know what I mean Yeah yeah yeah It was like Pompeii But But she But she really taught me How to properly Wash myself And it was very

And then you had sex Huh And then And she did things to me That weren't right Right okay good Because it would be a weird kink If one was like

Oh my god come back to mine Yeah I want to wash you And then just popped you off What accent were you going for Huh She's Chicago. No, she was American.

So her parents were from India. And then she was born and raised in Chicago. Yeah, but she left at 18 and she lived in India for a while. But she also gave me a tongue scraper. Did you ever see one of these? Yeah, tongue scrapers are great. So she was like, not only is your bum whatever, next thing she was like, your tongue is no good either. He didn't start washing his tongue until he was 30.

Right. Listen. I'm still not doing it properly. Huh? I'm still not doing it properly. You can get toothbrushes on the other side. Yeah, on the other side. I just forget.

I just forget. It makes me gag though whenever I do my tongue. Oh, I can get it all the way down. Have you used A tongue scraper yet now Yeah It looks like a peeler Doesn't it

Yeah It does Yeah And by God You can't believe The amount of shite In your tongue Yeah

I cut my tongue Doing that You did You've got to be careful Because you used a peeler Yeah I used a peeler Yeah She's the big knife

I used the wrong Mertner One little slight So hang on You go to a You know Oral hygiene shop Hydraine

Hydraine Hydraine Where are you getting this scraper? It's obviously Amazon But where did you get it? Well no you can order it But she got it She got it for me

She like gifted it to me Hand it down from generation to generation This is for you now This is my great grandfather's We hand down our tongue scrapers Yeah And it just goes over and... And it goes over and pulls everything off your tongue.

You wouldn't believe what's in your mouth right now. There's a... You know what I mean? There's a... Get a tongue scraper. A big ball of poo in your mouth right now. What was this woman's name? Huh?

What was this lady's name? Well, I don't really... You don't want to say the name yet. No, I don't want to. What does it rhyme with? Huh? What does it rhyme with? Bonal.

I know exactly what her name is. Do you? You do. I bet you don't it's not don't it's not it's not a fucking plumber from county limerick do you know what i mean that's it that's it that's tongue stripper yeah there's some yoke lad they'll have your tongue like fucking there's good as new there's another thing that a lot of women are using now called guasha and guasha is like this it looks like the patreon symbol actually but you use it to like scrape your face but you use it to scrape your face down right so i've seen a lot of the videos where there's like a white spray almost like that's made like a like a dust spray yeah that's put on so it highlights where the hairs are on a lady's face and then they use a it's like a tiny little razor almost to sort of shave everywhere forehead cheeks chin so this spray

just highlights all of the but you feel like going once you've started shaving your forehead I feel like you're potentially fucking with a hairy forehead I mean do you have hairy anything up there

no but I mean there's hairs everywhere and they're like literally shaving off what I was told as a young man once you shave it comes back

thicker yeah just feel like there's going to be a lot of fucking hairy faced ladies in five or six

years for what harm do you know what I mean a few look at that beautiful donut a few wild

yetis running around you show them what's what and what's this one finnegan and

have them all fucking bent over a barrel this one is just this one is just to like extend the muscles in your face and, like, straighten out the wrinkles. Oh, right, OK.

Gua sha, it's called. And apparently you can strengthen your jaw as well with the... Sucking dick. Yeah, that's that, yeah. Have you seen what happens? You get, like, a big, like, chad jaw. Yeah. You look a bit mad, don't you?

That one. Yeah, but I feel like it's guys with strong jaws that do the like a biting wait no it's an exercise is it

yeah it's been on Rogan on it so right you get like a big what's the exercise you just bite up and down on something in your mouth

do you ever see Zac Efron's jaw now it's fucking steroids is that steroids yeah no it's just it's surgery isn't it

he said he nearly died didn't he? Yeah, I know what he said. I don't think my mouth closes straight, you know. He's got beef. I've got beef.

Call him out, then. He's watching. You've been on steroids, Zach. It's fine. You've got pillow head. I'm coming back to pillow head. You've got a massive, big fucking jaw.

Get off of Matt, Zach. You don't mope it. What's the character from Family Guy that's in the wheelchair? Oh. Joe. Joe. Joe. It looks like Joe. He has some content Get off of Matt's. What's the character from Family Guy that's in the wheelchair? Joe. Joe.

Joe. It looks like Joe. He is some content drone. No, yeah. Family Guy. He didn't. Family Guy. No, it is. It is Family Guy.

Joe's in the wheelchair. You're thinking of American Dad. American Dad. Yeah. Stam. We've got some facts about you here because we do research for all. Oh, that's very kind. All the guests.

Young Harold over there. Okay. Once broke into an aquarium dressed as a baby in a pram. yeah i did that was a stag um it was um it was it was my cousin's stag and we were by the london aquarium en route we were doing a um a pub walk nice a pub crawl and well you weren't you were in a prom pub walk sorry you were getting rolled weren't you

you were in a prom well the stag was oh and then because I'd had a drink I thought oh this will be funny the aquarium's just there

why don't I go into the aquarium because weirdly we went for a Rugrats theme oh right so all of us were dressed as babies yeah who were you huh

which one were you Tommy I can't remember the name of the rug rat stewie stewie is from dale tommy pickles was stew pickles chucky pickles i was pickles well pickles is the surname tommy pickles yeah it's and do because i was pickles i was pickles pickles right yeah yeah yeah I was pickles pickles and yeah

they got me into the pram and I broke into the aquarium I didn't get very far though I only got as far as like the gift shop because the rest of it was actually closed right

couldn't get past the gates did pretty well but so you you were in you were in the pram yeah you just squashed into the pram? And did it break?

It wasn't a child pram. It was just like something we fashioned into a pram. Oh, you built something. It was a wheelchair dressed as a pram. Like the A-team kind of thing. Yeah, it was a wheelchair we extended to moms to make it look like a pram. Oh, fuck.

Insane. Which is pretty clever. What do you mean? It's wild. It's mad that you never mentioned it as a story before and have a word. No, I know, but there's so many things for... Look, I'm 40 now.

Right. So there's a lot of stuff in my life. Anything else on there, Dan? Is there a tickle on you? Yeah, when he ran for London Mayor. Yes, as Sadiq Khan. I'm currently... I'm currently Mayor of London.

You once paid a private investigator to follow you around for a month. I didn't want to say thaton uh you once pay the private investigators to follow you around for a month i didn't want to say that again you once pay the private investigator to follow you around for a month yeah this was yeah yeah i it was a stalker and then i eventually thought i'd make some youtube content and say i've paid a private investigator but actually they were amazing they knew everywhere i went everything i. And it's crazy how much people, like a private investigator or a stalker, can know about you.

I even tried to change when I was leaving my house and which route I was taking. And she knew absolutely everything I was doing. You got baby reindeers? Basically, yeah. She probably knew that woman had a pooey bone. Yeah, she definitely did. And you entered the Mr. Universe bodybuilding competition. basically yeah she probably knew that woman had a pooey bone yeah she definitely did and you went

it was her you entered the mr universe bodybuilding competition now this was in prague this is so stupid right so i was in prague and um how you're rolling with this it's so impressive i was in prague and um there was a bodybuilding competition i was with my mates and i said to them do you reckon i'd be able to like squeeze in and just say like this is my frame because there are some fat bodybuilders if you've if you've seen the olympics so my friends were like there's no way so i went in i put on an accent i said i was from dagestan and one of the white stars white ones what go on never mind go on semi-white semi-white but I was one of the darker Dagestanis the darkest daddies nope okay you're on your own with this one Stan

okay so uh they gave me a look they were just i just like oh maybe it was the internet dagger standing at my registration form and they were like oh okay here you go no problem so i signed up i paid uh i can't remember how much i paid 10 pounds i think it was like 250 quid registration or something. Fuck yeah. Paid it and then was entered into the competition. I tried to do the whole, they oiled me up. The oiling bit was fun.

Yeah. The oiling bit was great. Did you try getting their heads or anything? That's what Arnie used to do. No, what did Arnie do? Like he'd just be like, like, those are your calves? He's like, ha ha. Then she'd...

He'd get in that day and be like, oh no. I was just too excited that I'd broken in. Yeah. So I didn't have the wherewithal to think about that. The next time I do that, I will definitely... Sick. Yeah, get into the house. But yeah, I've done a lot of little pranks in my life.

I've just noticed that this is actually the researcher, Max Fosh, who didn't show up today. Oh. Oh, yeah. Oh. Oh, shit. Oh, that's... We've led very similar lives, it seems.

Amazing. It's crazy, that, isn't it? Isn't it amazing? I don't know. I can't remember how much I paid. The way... What was the entry fee? What was it?

Do you know what I want to do this story justice have you ever seen that the irony documentary Pump and Iron do you ever see that oh lad I've heard it's amazing

it is unbelievable what's so good about it because he's like such a fucking genius like he's like everything he does he like goes around the gym

getting in everyone's heads like telling people he's like he around the gym getting in everyone's heads like telling people he's like he's like ah he's like you look amazing this is perfect don't do any more of this and then he'll turn to the camera and be like you know what i love is you said that he turns to the camera the same voice yeah yeah and then he's just like he's like the, he's like, the burn, it's like coming. First you come in the gym with the burn and then you go home, you come again. You know, and it's just, it's like, and you're hearing about all his story, which is just so fucking. It's mad, isn't it?

He's lived three lives, hasn't he? Bodybuilder, actor, politician. But like, he came from Austria. His dad was fucking beating the snot out of him and the brother, the brother became an alcoholic, died young. He's like,

the same thing that killed my brother made me strong. Sounds like you on the farm. Oh, that's very similar. He had a very similar trajectory to Nimnog. But,

it's just so fucking sick. And then like, Is he likable in it? Does he come across as likable in it? Does he come across as likable? Yeah. You're making him sound like an absolute gobshite, right?

Yeah, keep doing that, you pussy. No. My brother's a pussy. No, he's so charming. And when he's young, he's like, he's so good looking and all the women are hanging out. He's lifting up women with both hands. He kind of mainstreamed that body build body

didn't he yeah he mainstreamed it everyone started aspiring to that well because he started selling products and he's a biz he was a millionaire

before he started acting like he was he I didn't know that from like fucking real estate and shit wow oh the man was the man is so dialed in

it's unbelievable was it all roids huh was it all roids it was roids and there was the... The will. The will. The will.

That's a German propaganda film, Trying for the Will. Have you seen what they look like now, though, compared to what he looked like? How weird it is now. The bodybuild standard is so much higher than it was when Arnie was doing it. Back then he was big, but now they're like freaks, aren't they?

Well, now they've gone too far and they've made it just, they're just disgusting a little bit, you know? But I think the ones that are winning competitions don't, like there's guys that I've seen online that it's just so ridiculous. Yeah, yeah. It looks like something's about to pop in their head any minute and they'll go. Has there ever been like a bodybuilding comedian?

Dave Longley? But he's just big, isn't he? He's the closest, I suppose. He'd fucking hate that. He builds his body. He puts videos on the internet of him doing it. And he's a comedian? Yeah, but I don't know if he's a body...

Bodybuilder's more sort of... I think he's doing it to be strong. Right. He's not doing it. Like he's not, he's never gone and got painted in Ron seal. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. That would be great. If he did, that would be fucking awesome. Like, I think to be a bodybuilder, you can't be like, Oh,

I go to the gym and lift and try and get started. I think you've got to be in your little fucking, the suspiciously small speedos. Yeah. With your little testosterone balls disappearing into you. Right. And then like the creosote fucking. And the reds always the speedos. Yeah. With your little testosterone balls disappearing into you. Right. And then like the creosote fucking. And the heads always the same size. Size, yeah.

That's right. P-heads. Elliot Steele, I think, is bodybuilding right now. No, he's not, is he? I see him online, he's sweating. But he's doing the BJJ stuff, isn't he? Well, he's doing that

and now he's in the gym as well. So I think he's pretty, he doesn't look good, but I think he's working hard. I liked it when Jodie Marsh did it. I thought that was really funny. That was my favourite. And she was like,

I'm not getting enough attention just getting my tits out anymore. Do you remember when she was, she wore that, was it a steep belt thing? It was like three belts, wasn't it? Three belts. By the way, I love Jodie Marsh.

She was a lady. She was a real lady. Jodie. She was great. It was a bit class, especially when she was on the roids that was my favourite yeah

was she your FHM loaded person yeah I like the dirty ones yeah yeah yeah Rachel Stephens for me I had a Melinda Messenger face I like the girl

who'd been thrown out of Nextdoor that's how I like her evicted yeah yeah yeah Rachel Stephens oh I have a Rachel Stephens

well it's not quite a story, but basically she was the first woman I ever... As in picture, I ever masturbated to. That's really nice. And when the agency I'm with were bought up by Intertalent, which was a bigger agency, there was a big old industry party and I met Rachel Stevens for the first time.

You didn't tell her that? Well... Oh, no. Ishan. I didn't tell her that well oh no i didn't he shan't i'm happy to very good um but i i went to tell her the story so i was like oh my God, Rachel Stevens, you will never believe this. Then my brain luckily saved me and went, no, no, no, no, abort, abort, abort. And she goes, what? And I was like, nothing.

And I just ran away. That's worse. That is worse. Yeah, exactly. Also, it's bad for Rachel Stevens because she speaks to her boyfriend later and he's like, how's the party? He's like, it happened again.

A guy came up with, oh, Rachel Stevens. No. No. And ran. I reckon, like, yeah, you're right. I reckon that's happened to her many times. But do you not think if you were to say, listen, you were a formative part of my sexual awakening,

would that not in some way be a flattering? In those words, yeah. That's a better way of saying it. I think Christian Knowles would be pretty angry. In those words, yeah. I think Christian Knowles would be pretty angry. In those words, that's fine. That's pleasant. You were a pivotal part of me coming online as an adult

and sexual being. I'll go to Rachel Stevens, Denise Van Alten, and whoever was on page 17 of the Littlewoods catalogue. And obviously we've done some terrible things in our minds. That's fine. I mean, you know, I can fucking direct a biopic in my head. There's a different thing going up to them at an industry party and going, hey, I've spaffed thinking about you.

See you later. Have a great night. This hand as well. Hey, good luck with the new agency. Who else was there around that time? Like they were the PhD girls then, like the famous ones. But wouldn't it be more insulting if you were to say... I don't think mike wants to answer that

question but genuinely is it not more insulting to say i didn't spaff over you that'd be like someone coming to a gig and not laughing no don't say anything yeah don't mention it the option oh yeah no it's more rude to go to someone and go do you know what i've never went off thinking about you see you later that's a cruel thing to have said. Yeah. Yes. So it's better to say nothing at all, surely. But isn't it surely she's in the business

of wanting to generate sperm from others? Is she? Yes, of course. No, she just wants to sing songs. What? Rachel Stevens just wants to sing songs. Oh, from S Club 7? Yeah.

Ah. Who did you think we were talking about? I thought this was some hussy. You don't know Rachel Stephens? I do I love Rachel You had her as a porn star I thought it was some

kind of a woman of the night but it was Rachel Stephens of S Club 7 Kelly Brook Kelly Brook she was my generation

Abby Titmuss Oh Abby Titmuss Do you remember Lee Sharp was given Lee Sharp was mine Lee Sharp yeah Lee Sharp

I remember Lee Sharp he was doing some afternoon of speaking and I went Lee left O'Keefe went to United I've won yeah

I remember when he got handed the PFA Young Player of the Year award and I just I couldn't take it remember Lee Sharp was shagging Abby Titmuss do you remember that?

No I do remember this Lad it was oh it was the best of times they were on do you remember they were on that show it was kind of like before Love Island

was Love Island Patrick Keelty was hosting it Original Love Island but it wasn't Love Island it was called like Celebrity It was called Celebrity Love Island

wasn't it? Was it or Celebrity Love... Patrick Kielty used to present that. Kielty was on it and fucking Sharp was absolutely laying it into Titmuss. He couldn't, morning, noon and night, he couldn't move without

an old sharp cock fucking thriving into her. Celebrity Love Island, yeah. It was insane. What was it called? Celebrity Love Island. It was a good 10 years before the Love Island, as we know. It was a wonderful show.

And Shane from Boyzonezone who's now gone absolutely cracked and he believes it's all like there's you know spiders running the world in his head but before that

he was like he was on that show and he was just he was fucking a lot of girls wanted to shag him because he seemed spiritual and interesting

but really he's just ticked Yeah All those boys out Westlife a lot. They're all mental. Ah lad, no they're not well. Brian McFadden wants to fight ISIS with his hands. Who does? Brian McFadden. So I've got to be with Brian McFadden.

Well he wants to fight ISIS. Maybe he thought I was one of them. Tell us about your McFadden beef. During lockdown this is a mad story. During lockdown, Piers Morgan was doing this whole spiel about how we should treat immigrants better because they're propping up the NHS

and his Filipino maid has been amazing over the last couple of weeks, right? Such a niche-specific reason to be pro-immigration. So I put a video out being like, basically saying Piers Morgan only really likes immigrants if they're working for him. It was something like that. Anyway, he shares it to all his fans

and they all start piling in on me. Like, you fucking blah, blah, blah. And the one that his fans turned up is Brian McFadden. And Brian McFadden tweets me and he says, from one immigrant to another, you are a disgrace to all immigrants in this country. Then I replied,

who wants to tell Brian McFadden I'm not an immigrant? And then he blocked me. Brian McFadden, mate. He's got beef with me. And now, from that tweet, he hates ISIS. Yeah.

He hates all of us. I think, is it fair to say, if Brian McFadden wants to fight ISIS, we should let him. And partially fund it. Let's at least cover the flight. Parachute him into the Middle East. It's like him and Mark Wahlberg.

Mark Wahlberg was like, I want to stop 9-11. No, he said if I was on the plane, it would have happened differently. No, you see, with Mark Wahlberg, I feel like he's still got something to give. I kind of like Mark Wahlberg. I like Mark Wahlberg. I think he knocks out a decent film.

Also, there was four planes, so what? Well, yeah, I mean... Do you want to do jump puns on the next one? I would send them both to fight Al-Qaeda and ISIS. Wahlberg hasn't wanked in eight years, he said, because he saves up all his loving for his wife. He goes to about the half seven, doesn't he? Yeah, and he saves all his cum.

So that must mean he's waiting to work on the regs then. Yeah, yeah, so that he just absolutely blasts into her life. Yeah. But this is my then. Yeah, yeah, so that he just absolutely blasts into her life. Yeah. But this is my thinking. Yeah. You know, maybe I should save up the life source. Yes, you should. To give it to Laura.

But then I think I'd last even less time. Yeah, but you and Laura never have sex. It's all right. It's not loads. You get cocky over there, don't you? Some of the chats we have, you know, in private as friends. I think it would be respectful of boundaries. Just because you're getting your nipples licked

round the clock down in London. Hey! By every stray cat in the city. Yeah, just because you all live in the Mambo No. 5 lifestyle. And they all have that a bit of Linda in my life. Snow White you are, Lee-Shan. Snow White.

Snow White. Oh, they're not dwarves. There's seven of them though. They are. Back in France. But no. Excuse me. On a serious note though.

Please don't. You are, and I know that I'm not even saying that, you're a wonderful lover. You are good at that. I am good at that, yeah. Yeah. Thank you. not even saying that you're a wonderful lover. You are good at that. I am good at that, yeah. Yeah. Thank you. No, no, you're welcome.

Okay. And it's because you're tactile and sensual and you use all the senses. Yeah, but he's just making, I can't see. How good can you be? Do it. Give me a demo. No, no, no. Do it on Finnegan.

Do you use oils? Finnegan, get in here. I have done. Finnegan, bend over there. Get in. Oh, I would happily make love to Jack. Finnegan get in here I have done Finnegan bend over there get in oh I would happily make love to Jack

well Finnegan there's an animalistic you just want to you want to lick him come on do you know what I like

about Finnegan is he's obviously soft and kind but I also know I also know he leaves marks oh yeah oh he leaves marks

absolutely skip marks he'll leave marks no yeah there'll leaves marks Absolutely Skip marks He'll leave marks No Yeah There'll be holes in the wall There'll be Yeah

No I take my time The plumber will be fucked After he goes What Loving is I enjoy loving Yeah It's good

I take my time with it Yeah I really take my time That's how do you show off How long do you take your time Well yeah How long How long are we talking

From From kiss to From first kiss From first kiss to checking your phone. How long are we talking? From kiss to... From first kiss. From first kiss to checking your phone afterwards. How long are we talking? Oh, yeah. If it's anything, a bad time would be about 45 to 50 minutes.

What the hell? What if you just put it? That's a bad time. How the hell? 45 to 50 minutes. 45 minutes. To 50 minutes. What are you doing?

You're reading her a story. How the hell is it lasting that long? I'm painting a picture with my tongue. That's what I'm doing. How long's yours? Before you kiss. Ah, shit. 15 all in.

All in? So what the hell would you be doing? Yeah. Come on. There's stuff to do. Yeah, he's got meetings. There's cows to milk. I can't.

Oh, yeah. What in the... 50 minutes of shorts all in but what are you what are you doing all in all in

like from like first kiss to checking your phone which is the best time to check your phone I think a lot of it says a lot about how long you've been together

from the point of everyone's come to how quickly you check the phone yeah that I think if you're a new couple there's a lot of like

hey yeah yeah yeah me and Laura literally the last bit of to how quickly you check the phone. Yeah. I think if you're a new couple, there's a lot of like, hey. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Me and Laura, literally the last bit of Jez is leaving me and I'm reaching for the phone. Oh, you don't even let her leave? Just to put a brum brum on the stories. You don't even let her leave?

No, part of our lovemaking is like checking Instagram together afterwards. It's an intimate moment. Half an hour, if it's all in. You can't be starting kissing and jizzing 15 minutes later. There's got to be a bit of fucking play. What are you...

There's got to be a bit of... But I mean, Mr. fucking seven days, seven nights. Arabian night. You're a time waster is what you are. You're a bloody time waster. You're keeping women away from their work. No, no, no.

I get them when they're meant to be working in the evening. What? Huh? Nothing. We, yeah, 45 to 50 minutes minimum. Minimum. But you're probably, like, there's like, there's a whole, you know what I mean? There's silks and... We do prayers together. Yeah, 45 to 50 minutes minimum. Minimum. But for your problem, like there's like, there's a whole, you know what I mean?

There's silks and- We do prayers together. Yeah, there is oils. I can see oils and like smelling salts. There are oils. Yeah. Is there music on?

Smelling salts. There's someone playing the mandolin in the corner. Candles, candles. Candles. But you've got to make. That's part of the look making process. You don't just buy a candle.

You make a candle. Ice. You put ice on their, like rub it on their body. Yeah. No. Yeah. Really? Of course. Do you know like it under your body. Yeah. No. I said, really?

Of course. Do you know like 40 Days and 40 Nights, I said, that was, sorry, that was good. Nicest. Did you say nicest?

That was really good. You said ice. I said ace. Do you know that movie, 40 Days and 40 Nights, when he gets the feather and he makes her come with a feather, the dirty cunt.

Remember that? I've used a feather once. Huh? Yes, I do remember that. You've used a feather once, yeah. Oh, for God's sake. How big's the feather? It's like a big...

Like a feather boa. Like Ken Dolls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it like a hawk feather? Like the other end of a quill. He was dusted. It's been a while. You've used a feather.

What else have you used? God, you're such a Lothario. Yeah. Feather. Ice cube. Ice. What kind of wax? Have you used your leg?

What? Your leg. What? Well, yes, because sometimes if they're sucking you off, you give them your leg so they can rub against your leg at the same time. Legs have use. So you offer your leg up as a sacrificial lamb.

You give them your leg. Yeah. About food. Because they can't find it. About food. Food, yeah. We've talked famously about food. Brata.

On the podcast. Not Brata. You've put food in a woman. Street food for a street girl. Well, I came on a bite of that squash, didn't I? Oh. Do you remember? Yeah.

I'll tell you the story, really. Yeah, you have. Yeah, I've come on a bite of that squash, didn't I? Oh. Do you remember? Yeah. I'll tell you the story, really. Yeah, you have. Yeah, I've come on a bite of that squash. Go and see episode, can't remember. It's a weird nickname for a lady, but. Right. So would you put a grape in a woman?

Wash it first. I wouldn't put it in a woman. Right. Would you take it out of one? Yeah, I would take it out. Okay. This is all about. It's all a bit pagan now. It's a bit more structural.

Integrity. A grape's gone. A grape's lost to the boyish. Nutella's good. Whipped cream is a classic. Jam. So you're kind of having your tea at the same time as... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Did we talk about the thing with the whipped cream and the maggots? Maggots? What? It was mayo. Yeah, someone had left... No. Was it mayo? No. No, someone had... Where are you going with this? Oh, so someone had left no was it mayo no

no someone had where are you going with this so someone had used mayonnaise on a lady instead of lube oh yeah and she went to the doctor's and said I keep

every time I stand up I keep having an orgasm he's like right that's weird and there was maggots inside of her oh no but who knew a maggot could make you corn moves?

That's too much for horny Arnie. More at that. Arnie's barking off screen. It's normally horny, but it's not today. A woman once used conditioner on me as lube. That went badly. Up your... No, on my cock.

Right. And it burned. Smell nice, though. What? But it smelled nice. Oh, no. Soap-based products are going to do you no good. Yeah, that was a mistake.

No. They'd dry you up down there, would they? Oh, it's not. Absolutely not what it's for. You need something much oilier. Basically, she wanted to go a third time, and I was like, I can't. I'm knackered.

So you're not as good as you say. It's all a bit... Yeah, but that's three hours huh that's three hours well and when she went to the bathroom and picked up some conditioner just like tried to get me hard she wasn't taking no for an answer was that are you confessing something that is this did she she did it to me no no I said no yeah you said no and she goes off and just gets lube and starts conditioning to try and said no No I said no Yeah you said no And she goes off And just gets lube And starts Conditioning to try

Pulling at you Pulling at you And I was like It's because I can't Get it up again And she was like Well this might help Right

Dan's face No wonder you can't Get it up You're like Shagging for like The same amount of time As a test match You're tired

Everything's a cricket Test for me isn't it Yeah Nasty dude There's two innings Just go and glee his ass Day five And would there be a lot of sweat now

Would there be a lot of I'm not a sweaty person you know It depends You look like you should be I look like I should be It depends Usually the second time I'm sweating a bit more

And it depends also On how I'm coming Right So If I'm sweating a bit more. And it depends also on how I'm coming. Right. If I'm standing... You shoot out your arse the odd time, isn't it? If I'm standing, I'm not sweating. If I'm on top, I probably am sweating. Standing on top.

It's my time. You've both just stood up, but she's smaller. Fucking Jesus, I've heard it all now. I've got to get myself some, like, hair or feathers or animals. Hey. Hey. You've made it more agricultural. Well, I'll have to make it my own

I can't just copy you but there's I must bring in some kind of theatrics to the whole thing Yeah yeah It's very now that I think of it

I'm being very Do you do role plays? I imagine you're very good at role play Oh lad I'd love that I've caught you in the barn Get off the chickens They're my chickens

They're my chickens you smelly bitch Get away from my chickens But I'm assuming that she chickens you smelly bitch. Get away from my chickens. But I'm assuming that she's my smelly farmer neighbour. They're not your chickens O'Reilly. This is my land. This is my land. Let me get over to you. Get back down the hill.

You can't just replay verbatim an experience you've already had. Right. You've got to come up with a new scenario. Is that what you go for Mike? I thought you'd go for something different. You know because it's role play you don't have to just pretend you're back on the farm that your family owns. But you want something to be meaningful to you, don't you? You want something to have that

reality. Do you know what I mean? No, it doesn't have to be. Because Max Mosley, who used to be the president of the FIA, he got caught in a brothel in Chelsea. They're all dirtbags down there. And she was dressed up as like a high-ranking Nazi, wasn't she? And he was like, oh, yeah, whip it.

And she was like, naughty, naughty. You know, like the Nazis usually. Famously. So naughty. Naughty. Naughty, naughty. And that is why they invaded the Sudetenland. Naughty, naughty Czechoslovakia.

But he loved that. And I mean, I Czechoslovakia. But he loved that. And I mean, I'm sure, you know. That's his life. Yeah. Yeah. So you can go anywhere. Come on. Anywhere you want with it.

Right. Space. Yeah. Or like, yeah, I could be a banana and you're a gorilla or something. Do you know what I mean? Rip me apart

and shove me down your mouth. Kind of thing like that. Yeah. Yeah. Are you dressing her up as a gorilla? Or is she just acting like a gorilla? Just get a really hairy woman. Yeah.

Okay. Not one of those, she's got one of those spray dusters tweezing her hairs. A proper hairy woman. I'd love a very, just, just something next to ape.

You know what I mean? Just that level of hair. The missing link. A man. A man. No, no, not a man. All right, okay. No, no, no.

A woman that things have gone really badly for. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. And just fucking... What's your go-to role play? The role plays, they tend to be something like office-based. Yes. Oh, Back to the City.

Yeah. They're the best one. The Dow Jones has crashed. You're the printer. The most enjoyable one was I've just crashed the Dow Jones. Put the candles on.

We can't afford them anymore. I don't even know what the Dow Jones is. Neither do I. I just thought about money. Play a bit of FTSE 100. Nice. Yeah, that's why he's a Hall of Famer, guys. The most enjoyable one I did.

I can't. Okay. You are. You are doing it. Most enjoyable one I did. Hang on. Let me just get my hot water bottle in place.

Can you have one of them as the other person? Is that possible? Well, no, basically, I can't because she came up with the scenario. I don't know why, but she was basically like, I've stolen something from your shop. Oh, no.

So basically, it was, I captured her. See what I mean? So I caught her before she ran out of the shop. Like a bear? Yeah. Kind of. Right. And then the whole thing was, the punishment was...

Did she make you do the voice? Hang on. Oi! Get back here! Oh, it's not the voice I was thinking of. You've taken me out of it now. Oh, no, not again! Ah, yes.

Oh, that's good. I got a twist. What kind of shop are we talking? Like a convenience store? No, all she said was shop. Right. She didn't mean an Apple store, did she? Oh, mom.

He's an Apple genius. She was like, I was talking about a shop, and you have to run and grab me. And she's running out of the door of the bedroom, so the bedroom was the shop. Right. So she's running out of the bedroom. I had to grab bedroom was the shop right so she's running out the bedroom i had to grab her by the waist pretend it was ikea it wasn't an ikea as it happened i know so i had to grab her by the waist and then like

throw her onto the bed and be like give me back what you stole and she goes no you're never gonna get this off me i'm like this is how we deal with shopkeepers and then i had to like lift this lift it eventually she'd beg and plead and be like what can I do and I'd be like suck me off is that what you'd do in that scenario yeah I'd suck off

if I got caught doing something I shouldn't be doing I'd be like do you want me to suck you off and the line mentor's the shop owner yeah that's it

I'd suck the shop lift it off I'd be like I'll just suck you off can I suck you off may I please suck you off. Can I suck you off? May I please suck you off? Darling.

Wow. And did you do it? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Cool. What had she stolen? What had she stolen?

A hubba bubba. Oh, it was a convenience store. It was. Right. What was the interaction before she ran? How much, like, how realistic did you make it how realistic so basically put a bell on the door so the door is to my right the bedroom door yeah and the bed i'm on the other side of the bed and that's that's the counter that's the counter yeah no so she's like where the wardrobe is on this side so she's by the wardrobe looking at the stuff and she looks at me and I look at her and

I'm like giving her the nod and she's like, oh yeah. And then she's like, I saw that. I saw that. I saw that in my peripherals. Did you do a rogue nod? They did a head thing. Yeah. They did a head wobble.

did you do a rogue nod they did a head thing yeah yeah they did a head wobble and then I would be like looking at her suspiciously and she'd be looking at me trying to

I mean it'd be weird if you weren't looking at her because she's the only person in the shop how realistic are you just like minding your own business

stood next to your bed and then what we had to do is I had to walk over by the bed as she's walking past me I was gonna I said to her

can I help you with anything and she'd be like no and then she'd make a beeline for the door where's the hubba bubba and that's where I had to grab her the hubba bubba that's unrealistic

that's normally by the the counter yeah that's did you try and upsell anything no because she was walking around suspiciously I decided to come out oh nice

to be like you alright everything alright you been in the shop a long time and when did the feather come out of that that was the that wasn't the feather situation it's a separate person separate why didn't you talk too seriously and you like rang the police that's the risk though because i have had partners who've wanted like i don't want to say the r word but it's basically those fantasies Yeah, consent not consent Sorry I thought you meant the other R word Oh that's a different role play

He wanted him to be your retardant Oh there you go On a wheelchair, hello Jesus Mike Not on this podcast Using my dribbleler's lube. Keep that in. We'll keep that in.

Come on. We're cutting your benefits. No, what can I do? What can I do? Trying to steal the Robinson. I love that you're appalled but then can't help joining in but yeah

I was never able to do that that's one way shut up man you've got safe words haven't you yeah but I just what's your safe word it's

what is it pineapple it's not pineapple. It's actually Margin Boo. That's too long for the safe word. Margin Boo from Pokemon. Oh, is it? Mine's Freddy Quinn.

It shuts everything down really quickly. Pow! Oh, God. Yeah. Have you been able to do Contential, Non-Contential? Oh, God. Yeah, have you been able to do contential, non-contential? Not to the...

Yeah, a little bit. A little bit, yeah. I know somebody who does. Really? It's too risky, I think, man. What? I just think it's too risky. I've been married eight years.

What do you think she's trying to do, entrap me? No, if you accidentally hurt her oh hang on I think we're not thinking about the same thing consensual non-consensual

is like let's act like it's not right oh yeah not beating the fuck out of people that's what part of it is that's what part of it is

it's not if that's not what they're into it's not like you're going hey the person doesn't go hey can we do consent not consent and I go what's that and she's like you decide and then hey, the person doesn't go, hey, can we do consent, not consent? And I go, what's that?

She's like, you decide. And then I turn up with a fucking baseball bat. A sledgehammer. Hitting around the head. You wanted it. Safe way to quit it. You didn't say the safe way. And now I've broken your jaw.

No, like that's not, we didn't do the violent one. We just did the pinning down one. Coward. Yeah, but I'm saying that there's levels of like. Yeah, but it's not all. So you've tried this? Yeah, just the pinning down one. Coward. Yeah, but I'm saying that there's levels of like... Yeah, but it's not all... So you've tried this? Yeah, just the pin...

I feel like you've... Yeah, it's the rapey one, isn't it? Ah, come on, Dan. Not on this podcast. It's just because, you know, I was with a girl and she was like, this is what I'm into. Try it. I didn't do it with full conviction.

Apparently, I didn't have a baseball bat. i'm like you don't know also like there's the the burglar fantasy what burglar fantasy yeah similar to mine yeah it's climbing through a window did you actually we were ground floor flat. Okay. God is king. I was hoping he was going to say that. I tell you what, you know, you've got to make sure

it's your flat. I learned that the hard way. And, you know, from experience, never have your dick out first. Because the poor widower won flat over. That is quite a shock when she's watching The Weaker's Link.

I think we should have a break. Aye. Aye. Section adjourned. And we are back. Part four of four with Ishan Akbar. Hello. Nice. Ishan,. Hello. Nice.

Ishan, have you got any things going on at the moment? Yeah, I've got a few things. A few things at the moment. I'm on tour from February next year. Tour tickets are currently on sale. I'm doing my biggest ever tour date at the Hackney Empire. Big room. Big.

Big. 1,200 room. Big. Big. 1,200 seats. How big is it? Oh, yeah, the king! Got it! Motherfucker! Motherfucking eight. Sweet, sweet motherfucking eight.

Give him the deep. So there's that. I've launched a Patreon of my own. Oh, yeah, you have. Yeah, back off. Only Shands is a? Only Shands is the podcast that I do every week. Only Shands is the podcast that I do every week. Only Shands is the podcast, so

it's up to that. But one thing I really want you guys to have a look at is you may or may not know, I'm a patron of the Leicester Comedy Festival. A festival that Dan and I know very well. We do, yeah. We do indeed. He tried to get off with my sister-in-law at it.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! And sister-in-law at it oh oh oh and um uh in that guys i have set up a scheme called bridging the gap which is basically trying to get more people from underrepresented groups to go to the festival there's six places i've part-funded some of these places we pay for a hotel we pay for your registration fee you get to do 45 minutes to an hour. Six places available. If you want to do it,

look up Bridging the Gap at Leicester Comedy Festival. If you want to do stand-up. Main thing is be from an underrepresented group. Be disabled. Be poor. Be not white. Artistic. Be autistic.

Can you be all of them? If you're all of them, you're getting it. You're getting all six places. Yeah. If you're all those things, if you're a lezzer, brilliant. Right. What are they represented? If you're a lezzer post-transition.

Right, okay. Right. Fucking hell. Whatever it is, come along. It's a good thing. Six places, please apply. It sounded like a good thing initially,

didn't it? And then we got in the weeds a bit. The main thing is I want poor people. I want more poor people to do it. How would you prove that? Sounds like something Saville would do. Socioeconomic status. We ask you questions

about your mum and dad. I'd qualify. No, you wouldn't. Your dad was like the king of Bangladesh. My dad was the king of Bangladesh, was he? A paramedic in East London.

Yeah. Him, the king of Bangladesh. In the day the king of Bangladesh, was he? A paramedic in East London. Yeah. Him, the king of Bangladesh. In the day. That's what they call him in the job. Don't make me laugh like that. In the night, I'm the king of Bangladesh. And he's Pakistani, that's mad. I know.

But do, yeah. But yeah, please do apply to bridging the gap the king of pakistan apply pakistan what can they apply yeah but the thing is i know there are people who listen to this pod who want to do stand-up yeah many and many who may well well have started stand-up so it's well worth having a look at this the leicester comedy festival is a great festival every year they put a lot of yeah money and they get some big names and they really represent every level of stand-up quite well it's a good stepping stone to try and festival comedy without the commitment of edinburgh and the bullshit that that entails exactly and it sounds like a very positive thing you're doing so if you're a disabled post-transition lesbian who's the king of Pakistan, apply. Because... You are getting

all six places. Yeah, yeah. And also you get a free sitcom with it commissioned immediately. Shall we do a... Round of applause. Round of applause. Hi Lids, hope you're well and love the pod. I recently went round Italy and found myself

enjoying the bum gun. This is not to be mistaken with a bidet, but it's a tap with a handle you use to clean up after your business. Yes. It is a life changer. Yes. But now I'm back in the UK, we have no such thing. My question to you is,

is there something you wish was adopted in the UK that is commonplace in other countries? For example, the bum gun or a siesta midday nap in Spain. Cheers, lids. I have to say, the Spanish have absolutely nailed that nap thing. Like, I mean, then they just have tea at fucking 11 p.m. That's how I live my life. And the kids stay up till like one in the morning.

But it's fine because they're getting two hours mid-afternoon in that hot, hot sun. By the way, who was it that sent that? That was Sean Daly. Sean, I have a bum gun in every bathroom in my house. A bum gun? Yeah, you can't get bum guns in the UK. How many bathrooms you got?

Three. You're fucking armed to the teeth with bum guns. That's how he's got money to give away to festivals. Three bum guns. So you can get bum guns in the UK. Oh, yeah, but it's not commonplace, is it? It's not commonplace. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But what... Explain the bum gun to me, please. Just a little... You know, sometimes with your shower, you've got the overhead one, and then you can flip a switch, and you've got the handheld one. It's like a small toilet-based one of that.

Yeah, right by the toilet, yeah. Like a soda dispenser. Yeah. It looks like a sink. Put your arse... It's got a plug in it no you're thinking of the b-day diet coke we're talking about the bum gun just next to the toilet yeah oh all right okay and it helps keep it's just a portable b-day isn't it like a you're

movable b-day i mean yeah in terms of the question that he asked there are very few things that i like the french for but i will say their general attitude to drinking is pretty good right right like teachers will have a couple of glasses of wine at lunch they're not getting absolutely mangled sorry what they're not getting absolutely mangled at lunchtime like they have wine in the staff room yeah wow and they have like they'll they drink in moderation the french like they eat bread all the time but you don't really think of French people as fat people do you

there's plenty of fat fuckers over there I tell you that are they American no they're French French are they I stayed with this fat bastard

this fella that I was fucking fucking yeah he's so sexual he was horny I wasn't having sex

with this young man but I did an exchange with this fella Alex oh a French XA student yeah yeah and I stayed with his family and his father was a big fat fella

and then I'd want I'd want more food at dinner and he was like he'd be like no you are greedy greedy little boy

he called me greedy I said that's the pot calling the kettle black you big fucking whale you know you nasty devil saying that to me and then they wouldn't let me ring home boy. He called me greedy. I said, that's the pot calling the kettle black, you big fucking whale, you. You know, you nasty devil saying that to me. And then they wouldn't let me ring home and the young lad was weird. He was always playing...

Were you abducted? Simpsons episode? Were you kidnapped? Lad, it was stressful because I was with this fella Alex and he was just he was an absolute nerd and he was playing World of Warcraft all the time and they had no other like TV so I was just

I was forced to read it was a nightmare and what did you read it's a nightmare I read like these Irish books that I got in the library

called like The Commitments and The Van all these they were they were they were alright books but

I but then when I go to school I got bullied because he got bullied so I got bullied I was an extension by proxy yeah and I'd be trying to tell him I don't like him either I'll join in you're punching him but then when I go to school I got bullied because he got bullied so I got bullied I was an extension here by proxy

yeah and I'd be trying to tell him I don't like him either I'll join in you're punching him I can do stuff at night to the cunt if you let me if you let me in

on the bullying I'll fucking I don't really think of French people as fat but I think they drink properly they drink well they do bread well I mean

they do bread and stuff they do bread well they do process them well as well yes when they want shit done oh they do civil unrest you know they just fucking do it you know their rail strikes They drink well. They do bread well. They do bread and stuff well. They do bread well. They do process them well as well. Yes. When they want shit done, you don't just fucking do it, mate. You know their rail strikes? The way their rail strikes work

is they just keep the gates open and they keep running the service and more people use the service that day because it's free. But none of the companies get any money. I like when French farmers get involved. I find that entertaining when they're annoyed at the price of diesel.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they drive 600 tractors in the middle of Paris and leave shit outside of a satchy chop. That's absolutely beautiful. It's great. They're great at a protest to French. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

And you know they'll do it because they'll cut the king's head off. I mean, Michael. What? We know you live in your own head a lot. Yeah. But I said what you've just said 40 seconds ago. All right.

Have you not tuned in to that? I thought I blacked out sober. I don't know half the time what's happening. Unbelievable protesting. Once you're done, they're going to do it. They do. That's probably the right answer to that question then, isn't it? What?

The French's attitude to... No, I don't want Northwest farmers anywhere near Liverpool City Centre. I'm impressed by it. I don't want to deal with it. Yeah, I don't want to deal with it. I want the way they protest, though. That I want. Eating with your hands, I always think,

is something that other cultures do very well. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. It deserves a... It does. Yeah. And I've learnt that from your incredible

online series Hands Down oh thank you so much with Eshan Nava David Akbar yeah thank you I have a YouTube series called Hands Down

where I showcase foods that you eat with your hands there's five episodes currently on a combined what 50,000 views which I'm pretty pleased with that's phenomenal

it's not bad Sindhu V's doing bits on that Sindhu's doing bits on that bits on that so yeah please go and watch that and learn how to eat with your hands hmm i can't think of another thing that i've of abroad has like blown me away stoning of women yeah that you know doesn't blow me away huh doesn't blow me japanese trains yeah they're insane they're good aren't they their transport just their general... All foreign trains, to be fair.

I got one in Spain. Oh, I know exactly what I want. In South Korea, when you buy bananas for seven days, they're at different levels of ripeness. Oh! Shut up! How good is that? So you get the ripest one for day one

and the least ripe one for day seven, but it ripens by the time you get to it. That fucking g in a little pack of seven yeah not off the same stem no oh that is wicked that's lovely that we need here in portugal on holiday i bought a bunch of bananas and they'd gone off in the heat by the time i got back to the apartment it was that like oh was that wham fruit scene is a gift there though isn't it yeah especially in japan is it to expect oh is it like 40 quid yeah and that's not a um genuinely it's like 40 pounds because they gift each other i love i love watermelon you know i'd love to cut in japan samurai sword i eat watermelon almost every day huh i eat watermelon almost every day

you do yeah can i tell you a weird thing about my three-year-old son? Yeah. He randomly loves watermelon. Difficult to get any fruit in him. But if you show him a watermelon, he's ecstatic.

He loves watermelon. Did we all hear the same thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What? Difficult to get fruit in him. Put him in a Catholic school. There we go. Let me just play their jingling.

Yeah, Waterman's amazing. Another question. Anthony, saw this online the other day and thought of you guys. Well, not Carl, but here's the question. Do you think you could beat your dad in a fight when he was the age you are now? Yes.

So Adam, it's 32. Finn, it's 25. And Dan, it's something like 68. Wow. I'm telling you that right now, boys, Peter Nightingale is, you know, not in the same shape he once was. You know?

He's got Parkinson's and he's in his 70s. It doesn't look easy. He's doing very well. But at 43 years old, he was a strapping lad like he's always like i'm not the same genes as my dad yeah i've got my mum's dad the i've got the sharples jeans yeah like i look at pictures and go he was about five six five seven five eight same build and my dad's just an absolute fucking rugby player of a guy. So I don't think I could win this fight.

I think I'd lose to my dad. I'd lose to my dad now. What? I would lose to my dad now. No. In his 60s, I would lose to him. Is he still in good shape? He's not in the best shape,

but he's still got the glint in his eye from when he was a teenager 15, 16 was part of a gang was in a cricket team used to protect got stabbed by the National Front

he's had all that I don't know why you're true in a cricket team you make him hard there he plays cricket that doesn't that doesn't add anything that makes him more of a pussy

in my eyes he was a captain he was a captain of the cricket team they used to have them they used to bats as weapons as well oh no yeah the cricket team they're here they call themselves a gang but they're just the starting 11 but no my dad can fight now i think like there is sometimes when he gets pissed off you see them him kind of revert back to the angry young man that he used to be. Yeah.

My father, at this age now, would have made mincemeat of me. He's a farmer, though, isn't he? Come on. Oh, yeah, yeah. And he's 100%. You're a wordsmith. That's right. The review that I got on Edinburgh said I was a phenomenal wordsmith.

I'm no man to fight. I'm a man of language. He's no cricket player. I'm no bloody fucking hard I'm a man of language he's no cricket player I'm a man I'm no I'm no bloody fucking hard as nails cricket player

a fist dipped in petrol cricket player but you know nearly as tough as someone from an acapella group no

but my father now just his hands on my shovel there's not enough water in the world to wash his hands they're like

ingrained with fucking lion seed. And he's capable of murder for sure. A hundred percent. I think anyone that works in agriculture. I've seen it. Just the cool, the relationship with life is different in it. Like if there's an animal that's lame,

that animal just has to be put down. And that could be Smokey, who we love. We see him every day for two years. Who was Smokey? Huh? Smokey. Who was Smokey? Smokey was a cow that we had.

Oh, Smokey. Did Smokey go... Yeah, we sent Smokey to a shocking, horrible death, yeah. At the hands of your father, or did he... No, no, my father would have... Wrestled him to death. My father would have... I him today my father would have I fancy burgers tonight

get the headloaf I'm here smoke him sleeper hold DDT suplex on the top rope stone cold stunner people's elbow

yeah you know have you ever killed a cow I haven't killed one I haven't killed one myself, but I've watched them. I've gleefully watched them being killed. Is it with like the big gun?

No, I've seen them. I've seen them be killed with a gun. It makes it. Is it with the big gun? With the bolt gun? Big gun shooting in the head. No, I've seen them be killed in a factory setting where like, I've seen my father. I've seen them be killed in a factory setting where like, I've seen my father.

Like an iPhone. Reset smoking. Let's put the date and time in. No, I see. So in a factory, what happens is they go through a thing, they get caught by one leg. It gets, pulls them up. So they're pulled up kind of like Rambo. I don't even remember Rambo when he's getting.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Tortured and shit. But these're pulled up kind of like Rambo. I don't even remember Rambo when he's getting. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Tortured and shit. But these are not as tough as sliced loins. So the cows can't hack it. And then, so it's upside down. Next thing, they get a fucking, you get a knife or a thing comes up

and just slits their throat. Have I told you this, that I almost killed a cow? Yeah. I think you did. You did. You bombed it, didn't you? I didn't bomb it. And it came to that.

When I was eight, I was supposed to sacrifice a cow for Eid. Oh, shit, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and then I dismissed the nerve and the cow just started going ballistic and everyone else killed him. How old were you? Eight.

Listen, I don't want to attack your culture, but I just don't think eight-year-olds should be sacrificing cows. Call me a traditionalist. No, my uncle just wanted to show off that he had his little nephew over from England and he could sacrifice a cow on behalf of everyone in the local town. My dad would batter me at that age.

Your dad's getting it, mate. See you in Turkey 2025. I think at my age now, he'd just got out of the army. Oh, yeah, he'd be the shit. Oh, you're younger as well. He was a bouncer. Bouncer in the army? He was just got out of the army. Oh yeah. Oh shit. Oh, you're younger as well. He was a bouncer. The Turkish. Oh yeah.

Bouncer in the army. He was a bouncer in the army. You've had too much. We're having a war over here. Any girls? Think you'd, the song you'd write though, if your dad battered you.

Do you know what I mean? Huh? What? Hey! Oh! What's it called? Huh? Turkish Delight. Yeah. It's a hickish delight.

Yeah. It's a hip hop hippie. How bad am I, Dad? No. I don't know. Well, your dad's Spanish, isn't he? Yeah, but he's... I'll just bat at a random Spanish man.

Yeah. He'd be asleep. But your dad's like a little tic-a-tac-a fucking... No, but I mean... But you'd think it's... There's a lot of similar genes. Yeah.

You know, Carl doesn't know But we sort of know So he could be kind of A fat arsed matador Yeah Fat arsed matador Yeah Smoker

I reckon I'd Add the birthday energy Come off Like you owe me 32 birthdays And I'd punch it at him Oh Nice

The last time my dad Hit me he winded me Did he Yeah Where did he hit you He hit me in the stomach Oh That'll do it Where did he hit you? He hit me in the stomach. Oh.

That'll do it. Where did he hit you? He winded him. He's not punched him on the arm, is he? You can get a fucking larynx shot. Oh. Yeah. Yeah, my dad.

Yeah. You didn't see that coming, you cunt. You've left the gate open. Where the kung fu's at? Oh. Shall we do some Room 102? Yeah. Could you do us a little jingle for it, Ishan? I'm waiting for someone to pick up on this

and give us a musical version. So just go with what you want. I know you sing beautifully in your style. I'll harmonise it, lad. And don't. Ishan, if you could give us something. Room 102, if you want to do it in, you know.

Room 102, the things you don't want to do, get them in here and throw them away. Please make that into a jingle. I've got a DJ up there. Please, what? I've got a DJ in there. No, no, I keep asking him and he doesn't do it. I'll tell him then.

Fucking asking him. That doesn't always work Throw room one or two, throw room one or two There you go, hang on, hang on, take two Zoop zoop zoop zoop zoop Right, go Throw room one or two, throw room one or two You don't want anything, throw room one or two

Room one or two No See, no I'll get him to make it later Okay I wonder which one will pay me the ball, I just don't get why I can't be involved come on, no straight to the fucking larynx

what's the brief? it's room 101 what would you like to throw into the abyss? eradicate what? Israeli government people holding hands in public. Did I listen to you say this yesterday as I was in the

back of a podcast? I think you just need to get someone you love. Ishan, talk us through it. I don't like it when couples hold hands in public and walk. All PDAs? No, I love PDAs. Okay.

You can, I'd rather you fuck in front of me. PDAs. Easy. To walk and hold hands. Is it PDAs? That's PDAs. PDAs. But like holding hands

and like locking arms and walking. I just think it just looks uncomfortable. What's a cotton eye Joe in the street? What? Locking arms and walking. I just think it just looks uncomfortable. What, it's a cotton-eyed Joe in the street? What? Locking arms and walking. When she puts her arm through your arm. Yeah, that's great.

No, it's awful. Because you don't get the manoeuvrability that you need when you're walking. What, are you dodging? No, you can't walk with someone holding onto your arm. Yesterday when you said it, it looked like you were using your arms for momentum as you walk. No, no, no, no, no. I just...

You can't hold someone's hand. So this isn't a jealousy thing. This isn't a, you know... No, no, no. No, this is literally just... It's impractical. Usually, men's arms are used too much in the early stages of relationships to uh give the illusion of

love we're not happy about it huh i don't like keeping my arm under your head on a pillow because i get pins and needles and i can't move because your fucking head is okay i'll fix that head but you're big big headed big headed women or if they're laying on my chest yeah what's wrong with that well I can't move look at your nip

do you hate women no I love women but I like sleeping on my right hand side yeah obviously sleeping alone yeah sleeping alone with somebody

you're sleeping with them but you're not touching each other I mean some some couples love to be entwined freaks entangled

yeah no I don't like that. And I don't, when you're walking, I don't think you should be holding hands. It's just, why are you doing that? We do it.

It's a sign of affection. No, that's not true. Me and Carl do it. Yeah, I've held his hand a lot. I like to hold the hand of a friend, a good friend, across the road.

I actually really do like that. I'm looking at arms. Huh? I'm looking at arms. I'd rather hold the forearm what? that looks like you're abusing it I don't like the hand holding thing

it's stolen from your shop too much pressure get back to the shop if I had a card you'd be seeing one now but you've intimacy issues I don't have intimacy issues maybe it's because you're

taking an hour to jizz and you just don't want to touch them anymore i'm a very i'm a very tactile loving person this surprises me about you because you're a bit of a romantic as well yeah i am but holding hands and locking arms when walking or even putting your arms around someone's shoulder when you're walking i think makes it harder for one of the party to walk. Okay. It's just a sign of, like, just affection. I have to admit... And ownership.

There is some points in a walk where you're like, you don't have to constantly hold hands. Like, I've been with partners who were like, come on then, hold my hand, and you're like, I'm not here. Yeah. You know what I mean? McDonald's.

In the kitchen. But I like, if you walk in a little handhold. Yeah. I don't find myself going, God, I can't manoeuvre my way around this street. If I'm by a canal. Okay. And then we lock fingers for a bit.

You're worried about drowning. I feel like I would lose my balance. You're insane. But I lock my fingers with you for a bit and then it needs to stop for like five seconds. But we have to not walk. We have to just hold, lock, look at each other, snog, let go, keep walking.

Okay. So no romance on the move. I'm not voting for this. I like a hot hand. Where are you voting on this, Mike? Are we going to give it? No, I would like to keep being in love allowed. Finn? No, not for this. I like a hot hand. Where are you voting on this, Mike? Are we going to give it? No, I would like to keep being in love

allowed. Finn? No, not for me. Oh, I'm so surprised. Sometimes you can feel a little distant with this stuff, but it turns out

you're a big holder. Do you know how to lay these bags? She's a grown-ass woman. Right. You're a pig. You're a pig, Akbar. You're a bloody pig

that's I'm Muslim you can't call me that huh well that's what makes it even worse have you got another one Ishan not at the moment

but I can think of some don't don't worry about it Jack says put it in room 102 when people throw their weights down at the gym what

I don't I know what this is no because if it's, depending on the weight and what you're doing, it could hurt your arms, like the angle. So sometimes I will drop them.

I think there's a obnoxious way of doing it and like a practical, I need to just let this go. Yeah. You know when people are doing like 180 kilogram deadlifts and then dropping them

in a commercial gym, you're like, yeah, kind of how is your gym going because i've been very impressed by your efforts even when you go abroad and stuff well i've just hurt my back so probably not that well yeah i enjoy it yeah did you enjoy it i feel more i feel a lot more confident in there yeah when i realized when i was first going in january i'd like go to like two or three machines right and. And now I do seven or eight things and I've got a little routine.

No, from afar, I'd be very proud of you, genuinely. I don't see them, I'm not really getting any results and they won't give me testosterone. I've seen his shoulders, mate. I've told you that. You've seen his shoulders?

Yeah, your shoulders are bigger. But I do, I would like to try steroids. Get it off. That is nice. Steroids. That didn't feel bad. I think steroids.

Yeah, something. Do you know what I mean? Because I'm 43 you need to load up on tea if you do anything do the half pill I took on Thursday after Newcastle

with Kai Humphries do that oh it was you ecstasy we made you anonymous Dan anonymised you I didn't want to

tell everyone you'd done a pill so I went two of the people after the gig had done a pill so either of them was half right I did half a pill so I went two of the people after the gig had done a pill so I was half right I did half a pill

it was yeah they guessed Jamie did you have fun oh yes I did were you dancing I was dancing I also signed up to a pool and snooker club

you're a dancing queen you maniac at the end of the night to get another drink in I left I left him in one of them bars you know where it's just like the only reason

anyone's there is because of the license. There's no, the lights were too bright. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was disgusting. You couldn't tell me what the clientele was. It was neither young nor old nor cool. It was just one of them dragnet bars

that is just available because nothing else was available. And I left you in care. I felt a duty of care not to leave you earlier, but I left you and you're like, the worst decision, that pill. So people go, oh, Dan loves drugs. Mate, I have one weapon of choice. Everything else can honestly get in the bin. I'll dabble here and there, but easily turn stuff down.

And when we were in Lady Grey's, it's one in the morning. It's even starting to die off for that pub and they're like what do you want a pill no no and 40 minutes later Kai was like

hey I'm not sure that was a good idea because he's fucking gurning it yeah I was gone I was a bit like oh I shouldn't have done that

you were I've got to see this out you were like thanks for coming out. I'm like, ooh, hi. Hi, I'm a lover. You were wanting to hold hands then, weren't you? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I was, yeah.

That was a very hand-holdy kind of moment. I know. I'll say this about the gym from what I have experienced. Just don't be obnoxious about anything. I really don't care about people filming themselves. This is a whole trope online of like our girls who are like filming themselves like i've seen there's a few girls that film themselves but they're not being aggro about it and everyone just leaves them alone i think it's

literally just live and let live at the gym and the thing that people don't get that it takes a while to build your confidence up with it but if you go in there going oh everyone's thinking i don't lift loads mate i go i went in with rummy on saturday and i i was uh lap pull down in like 55 kilograms and going ah this is good i'm doing like three sets four sets and doing 10 reps feeling quite proud of myself he then doubled the weight he pulled down 110 kilograms on the lap pull down i actually took a video of it just because i wanted evidence that a human could do it yeah no one gave a fuck about me doing 55 no one cares about him doing 110 and and as soon as you get that thing in your head of like no one cares because they genuinely don't there's old ladies doing fucking 10 kilogram lap pull downs it's all good but i i think an

extension of that is then don't draw attention to yourself loads. The guys that make noise, all necessary noise, and I'm a huffer and a puffer, you know? Yeah. Blow their ass down. I'm like... But the guys who are like... Can fuck off. The Japanese.

Yeah, the Japanese. Yeah. Can fuck off. The Japanese can fuck off. There we go. There's that perception. What is weightlifting in Japanese? I don't know.

What is weightlifting? No, that's just racism. No. No, because you know they have a lot of words where they just do the accent. They do, yeah, but weight is probably got its own word, doesn't it? You know, being quite a common word.

It is. Julie angry. Julie's angry. Julie angry. Julie's angry. Julie angry. Julie's that was Julie's angry Judy angry Judy's angry Judy angry Judy's angry Judy's angry

Finn's mum's angry Judy's angry but you know the machines in the what it's alright nothing you know the machines

in the gym sometimes you push out and then you just let them go yeah and they kind of slap back a bit i've got a bit of guff for doing that by some kind of by a beef cake down in the holloway road pure gym and he said and he and he was i try have some respect for the machines yeah oh fucking hell and i was like i was like yeah no absolutely but my head i was like fuck you, brother. But I didn't let him know that. Could you get me? Can you get some roids off him?

Do you reckon he deals roids off the hollow area? I want to get on testosterone. That's what you need. Hello. Tea, brother. Talk to me. I did my test.

They won't let me have it. Lift the tea. It gives you prostate cancer, but not till you're in your 50s. No, no, it doesn't. I've been told by a Polish doctor. He'll be fine. Is he your doctor

or is he just the Polish doctor? He's this lad who lives in Dublin. That's all I know. But he said that testosterone, great. You'll have higher sex drive. You'll be lifting tables and chairs and you'll be knocking stuff over. But then, and you'll feel good.

Sounds like dyspraxia actually. Huh? Sounds like dyspraxia. You'll get an enlarged prostate. Right. Yeah, and then. And it's enlarged by a tumor.

Yeah, but you said not until you're in your 50s, so. I'm 43. Huh? I'm nearly 43. So you're going to have seven years of fucking. Oh,

yeah, seven years of gains. Seven years of gains, brother. Seven years of gain. Oh, shit. Seven years of being.

Seven years of gain. Homosexual. We have got a limit on the CADs today, so let's do a have a word. Oh, shit. Seven years of being a homosexual. We have got a limit on the cards today, so let's do I Have A Word. Oh. It's flown through

these today, boys. Well done. Nice. You know, when Adam's away, there's always a worry we're going to be underpowered. We're not with

all the famous. Two of the top three Hall of Famers in the building. Woo! Nice. Wag wag. And the other one

is Nigel Ung. He was actually sick have a word Dean says to close it off Dean says need you to have a word with my mum I'm nearly 30

I buy myself the things I need but every birthday she asks me what I want as a present last few birthdays I've just asked for some nice boxes feels like an easy get for my mother here's the thing though she got me three pack a three

pack of plain boxes from asda i mean i wasn't expecting calvin kines but fucking six pound georgia asda pants are a bit of a piss take or am i being the cunt have a word who's that from dean harry um well just stop caring that much about your mother. Whatever your mum gives you, you should be proud of, actually. Proud? Well, pride's not the word, is it? What if she's being a big tight bitch? What else has she got you? What if it's just that?

What if it's only that? We can literally assume from the information we've been given. Do they say George on them, do you reckon? I feel like that's going to be a killer. Yeah. If they have big, like, in the car. No, but I feel that way's going to be a killer if they have big like in the caliber I feel that way about any designer brands like Versace

you're wearing another man's name on you, Calvin Klein Gucci, Versace So you wear Vivienne Westwood I wouldn't wear Vivienne Westwood I don't wear name brands What have you got on? Loser! What pants do you have on now?

ASOS design. No, boxers. The pants. Give us a look. Come on. We've all seen them in Tenerife. What's that? What's that?

Farrah. Farrah who? Mo. Mo. It's Mo. It's not Mo Farrah. It's just Farrah. Why have I only just noticed

you've brought a blockbuster teddy on? What have you had that teddy on the whole time? It's just insecurity, isn't it? No, it's some... This is something to lure women in somehow. If it was upside down, yeah. No. This is something to be like,

I'm soft, I'm reliable, I'm, you know. No, generally it's insecurity. Is it? Yeah. When I sit down, this thing kind of pops out is insecurity. Is it? Yeah. When I sit down, this thing kind of pops out a bit. It looks sexy though. It's juicy.

My mum buys me the stuff like this though. Like she'll get me like a sun and then she'll get me like a big galaxy. Enjoy this. That's nice. Enjoy this everybody. I mean. That's nice.

Are we at the point where as an adult, like if you have to specify what you want as a present, it really does sort of take away from it, doesn't it? Me and Laura are in a bit of a quandary here are we at the point where as an adult like if you have to specify what you want as a present it really does sort of take away from it doesn't it like me and laura in a bit of a quandary here because i've got in my own head that i can't do presents very well so i prefer her to tell me so basically what i'm doing is just buying her something that she would have bought herself with my money it takes all the i don't know it's not great it takes the thoughtfulness out of it

because the thought is half of it. Because the thought is half of it is you have been thinking about them and you notice what they like and blah, blah, blah. So if you're just being like, just tell me, it's kind of saying like,

I couldn't be bothered to fucking think about it. However, if it's your mum and you know she's a bit of a cheap arse, tell her specifically the brand of underpants. Stop giving a shit

about your mother's present. I want some of them underpants that Rob Thomas told us about they sound great what step ones what are they

step ones apparently they're amazing Rob Thomas was telling us smooth controlled little bit of extra padding for your wee wee if it comes out

okay anyway we've got to finish up it's been an absolute pleasure ladies and gents give it up for Mike Rice and Ishan Aqbar have we got a tune finley

yes we do uh just quickly my my gig's still on sale 26th of october jack around the baltic saturday the tickets are going better than i thought they were oh good um so get them before they sell out uh this is a band called northern hospitality we've played them before and this is their new tune called break free i like it love you everyone i love you Where my hopes are sailing lately Be bold, who knows? No one's gonna break from my soul I'm gonna take the crowbar Smash it through the place

That keeps me whole Turn a new page on my own ways Who have I become? Reflect on regrets I'm throwing up the bottles down my neck Zero to hero As I let this chaos unfold I'm gonna take the gun And point it at the fool

So my soul trapped in a cage Fly away to where I've become Well, memories Drag me down and bring me to my knees One day I'll be brain free Well, reality Living this life is such a fantasy One day I'll be brain free

Brain free Break free I need release from the pain that's causing right on through me You and I can't hide, I can no longer turn a blind eye I'm gonna take these fists and smash them through the wall When I feel alone, trapped in a cage With all this rage, how come I feel so numb? My mind is intertwined with the light down the tunnel I just can't find My hate's got a new shade and I keep on setting right down this way I always skirt the line between the looted and the blind Trapped in a cage with all this rage, who will I become?

Well, memories Drag me down to bring me to my knees One day I'll be break free Well, reality Living this life is such a fallacy One day I'll be break free Break free Well, memories Slam me down and bring me to my knees

One day I'm a great queen Well, reality Living this life is such a fantasy One day I'll make brain free Brain free Bye.