Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #295 with Taylor Ryan - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: September 22, 2024

Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan Nightingale & Fiends Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.ukComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comFinn's Liverpool Gig: skiddle.com/e/39298815As Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Support our cycle across India for Zoe's Place:https://cycle4zoes.enthuse.com/pf/finnlay-kulavuzGet subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsCheck out Finn's music: https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Tickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Wag wag lids, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game from the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn, this is the one and only Have Our Word. Brought to you by Manscape, the very best product on the market for below the waist grooming. Go Ed, get on me. When was the last time you were sick Carl? Erm... like vomited?

40 minutes ago. Two times. Two times? Two times! They call him Mr. Two Times! Two times! I was sick in the back of my car getting my trainees. Don't know why. Was it the trainees? Nope.

And then... Are you a smelly-footed man? Nope. And then when I went to get a cloth to clean it up, I was sick again. Oh dear. What have you had today? Nothing. What did you eat last night? It's not a breakfast man. A pie at the match. There we go. It was well cooked though, it was the hottest thing in the world. Being hot and being thoroughly cooked is not the same thing, Carl. Maybe it was the pie at the match. Yeah. Could be the pie at the match. Yeah. Could be the pie. Ashley young or losing or losing on penalties to equally sick. Another crap team undercooked pork.

One fucking bully. What kind of pie was it? He came on. No, we can't. We can't. Don't do a footy thing. He came on and I went, there he is again. It's Ashley Young. We want him dead. People booed when he came on. A fellow- Do you not think as an Everton fan though, that that might not be, you know, the best environment for these players to go out

and perform? You know, getting booed onto the pitch. It takes on only striking off and put to 39, you'd all fall back on the pitch. You're, getting booed onto the pitch. It takes on only striking off and puts a 39 year old fullback on the pitch. You're booing your players onto the pitch. They haven't even fucked it up yet. He came on. How can you possibly think anything is ever going to change in a positive way? He came on.

If you're booing them on. He came on, did fuck all, kept fucking up. Which poo. He's probably got a bad back it is. Do you know what Seneca said? Seneca went, oh my God, if I was his partner, I'd get the ick. I went, why? And she went, because he's not booing because he's the villain. He's booing because he's bad at his job. And I get the ick.

And I was like, you're right there, yeah. And then suddenly- Sorry, if she was Ashley Young's wife, she'd get the ick. She'd get the ick. Yeah. I reckon that career earnings of 58 million pounds might stop her getting the ache No, you can still get the ache with millionaires. Yeah, Elon Musk is the biggest ache ever. It must help though, innit? Yeah, like it but the ache isn't like

It's not irretrievable. It's not like a deal breaker. It's just like I'm now unattracted to you. Like, has Seneca ever said you've given her the ache? Never, no. No, it's impossible. She's told me about a few done. Let's go. When you're puked after sniffing a cloth. Yeah being sick in the car so I can give her the ick there. I haven't told her so. Yeah she knew though she watched it on the camera. Oh the camera the ring doorbell could possible. I told you. Have you got CCTV in your car? I told you. You made up with it. Anyway this this is the, went to sudden death and I went, right, if we, whoever misses now, the team scored that team wins. She's like, right. And Southampton scored and then Ashley, I'm gonna pick the ball up and nobody booed. Everyone's been put the coats on and got ready and said, what's happening? I went just ready.

Just three, two, one. And then everyone just walked out. Why do you keep taking Zerika to the Carabao court? Because you can't go on the week. What's this? It's a weird little wrinkle that you've got into. Like I tell you what, if we're in the Carabao at home, Zerika's going.

It's the weekday and it's easier than the weekend. All right. I seen a tweet that said, one of my favourite traditions in English football is Everton exiting the EFL Cup before Liverpool events. Anyway, there's the Everton chat. Maybe that's why I'm feeling bad pie though. Yeah, it was a nice pie. I love a pie.

Kind of pies this. It was a steak. Steak pie. You can't really get food poisoning from beef. Really? Unless it's off. Yeah. It was that hot. Is it from the ground or outside the ground? Yeah. It was a pie from the ground. I'm coming a bag. It came in a bag. Yeah. Yeah. I don't trust that. Yeah. Cause how long is it? Yeah. Does you cook that in a bag? Pie in a bag? What's this? Oh yeah. Do you know what I mean? When did I put in

the bag? These are questions you should answer. They get microwaved in the bag. I think. Oh no. Plastic in the microwave. Yeah. Yeah. I suppose you put other things, plastic, ready meals go in the microwave. Better than metal in the microwave. That's definitely a faux pas. Yeah. I'll blow your microwave up. You can put my microwave, it's a combi one. No you can't. You can, because I do all the time.

Is it like an air fryer microwave? It must be. Yeah. So you're not, you can't put it on the microwave setting and put my metal in it. I'll record it later if you want. Yeah, please do. And that's the end of Carl's house. Doing it for two years. But yeah, well, I'm not well, I feel okay.

Like in myself. Still look good. But Jack did get here. I farted in the lift on the way up and I went, whoever's next in is getting a shock. And there's also other floors to this building that normal people working. I thought it'd be him.

Do you know what it kind of is? Because I see the guys from the other floor and they tend to use the stairs. Is that on the first floor? What kind of fat cunts go on the fucking lift one floor? Especially if he's muck puffing in the lift. So yeah, I don't know. Maybe I'll be ill throughout, but I feel okay. But maybe it's coming on.

I don't know. I'm too busy to be sick as well. Doing the house, doing the house and stuff. What are you doing to the house? Decorating the dressing room. Like I'm too busy to, I can't. When you say you're decorating it? I'm painting it and stuff.

Oh yeah? Doing it yourself? I started it on Saturday and finished it tonight. Ran out of paint, didn't know you could do that. What? I ran out of paint. Have you ever done that? Yeah. No you haven't.

Yeah but I'm not, yeah. Couldn't believe it. Especially if you're buying the specialist colour ones when you go in and they're like some made up name for a fucking... What's the name of the paint? Sulking Room Pink. Going in after the Everton game. That's not one of them 20 litre bad boys is it? He's going in after the Everton game.

That's not one of them 20 litre bad boys is it? It's the new Everton grounds name. Everton grounds, yeah. Sulking room pink. But yeah I just ran out. Sounds grim by the way, doesn't sound like a nice colour. It's like a dusty mauve, like a dark mauve. It's nice.

We're getting a Pennywinkle blue. He's getting called a Tory. This is a bad start to the episode. Because he knows the name of colours. Pennywinkle blue. You're like a Pennywinkle Blue. Carpet. He's getting called a Tory. This is a bad start to the episode. Cause he knows the name of colors. Pennywinkle Blue. Shake the lot off.

Pennywinkle Blue. Yeah. Just say I could have a give you the... Anything. You don't have to be specific, but if you ever done something where you just like fucking pack that in, like even in your head,

cause I know you wouldn't even say it to her cause you're too amenable. You're too malleable as a partner in my opinion or just nice yeah yeah yeah what I'm saying is does she ever disgust you to the point you want to be sick oh that's a very heavy ick isn't it I don't know if anyone gives me the ick I don't know if I've ever had the ick before she's never done anything I've had the ick before, but not with Sereke and all yous. Oh, I get loads of icks with Laura. Well, I get loads with Laura.

What was she doing, like picking her arse or something? Just picking her arse. When Laura picks her arse, that does it for me. Well, not stop. When I have to shave her back. Picking her arse. It's just one of them things. That's not the ick, that's disgusting, isn't it?

Yeah, but like, that would be an ick. Is that an ick? Like if you had a girl who's got a particularly itchy arsehole, you know she's got piles over her, you can't really judge her for that. Having piles doesn't give you the ick. But like if she's constantly like fingering her arse while she's watching Emmerdale, to itch her, you might be like that gives me the ick. That is ick on ick, you're watching Emmerdale, ick.

You've got piles, another ick. The third one is, you're doing all of those things while itching your piles. No mate watching Emmerdale. You've got piles. Another Rick. The third one is you're doing all of those things while itching your piles. No mate. Triple it. And it comes from Laura. Yeah. What? Like what? Um, yeah. When she was a member of the EDL that gave me a little bit of an egg. I was not emptying the dishwasher. She ate empty the dishwasher with a dick. When Laura empties it with a day, that really gives me the me the it. That's one of the best jobs. One of the worst jobs. Emptying the dishwasher. Yeah. Horrific job. It's generally one of my least favorite jobs in the house. It's pointless as well. Like just leave them there. I'll just take them out of that. It's a shelf.

No, I don't mind that one. I hate it. And she hates it as well, but I've got to do it because she won't. If you're watching. So being lazy, being lazy and useless eh? There you go Adam said it. I've never, I think I've ever had the eh. No. Isn't it just like every, isn't it they do one thing so then everything they do makes you hate them? No it's just it's a thing that like it's I mean we've done a feature based on this for like a year now, but it's like something that is irrational. Like it shouldn't bother you as much as it does, like, but it sort of turns you off.

It's the opposite of when you know those moments when you're like, for whatever reason, you look at your partner and go, well, you're looking fucking good. Yeah. Those little fuckable moments, that doesn't change your whole perspective of them. It just those little moments, It's the opposite of that. If Seneca was sat with you watching the telly, right, and she picked her nose and hit her,

would that turn you off or would you not be asked? Yeah. Yeah, so that would be an itch. Because it doesn't really matter, does it? It doesn't really matter, but you're just like, oh, what are you doing? Adam, you're trying to get blood out of a stone. He's not going to do it for Serika. She does wear nostrils to go out sometimes. That's a perfect example of an itch. When she's not playing five a side?

Yeah, she goes to town on a Saturday night in a pair of Umbro astros. No, a couple of Mondial's. She's obviously got good ones. They're the best ones though, aren't they? Do you think you give Laura the ick? Yeah. Yeah. What's what?

Wanking. What? That would be an ick though, he wanks too much. In front of us? He's a wanker. What do you mean? You wanker lot. Yeah, I do, yeah.

Why is that a nick? I think it would be. It could be. It could be. If you and Lor... No, it could be. If you and Lor... I don't think it is.

I genuinely don't think it is. No, I'm not saying it is, but I'm speculating that one. I know you're speculating. Well, I'm bringing facts. I don't're speculating, well I'm bringing facts. I don't think that's one of them. Me being a lazy fucking gobshite, yeah, picking my nose and eating it, I'm guilty of it. You're a good dad though.

I'm a grubber. But these, you're looking at it too big picture, what gives you the ick about it, dad? Shit, dad. Like- No, you're a good dad? Yeah, I know. What's that got to do with Wankin?

What? What's being a shit dad? I think you're a great dad. No, I think- He just said, he just said great dad. Oh, I think if you're in bed- I think you're looking too big picture. What if she's in bed and she's on TikTok and she's like, he's wanking now. Yeah. She might be like, eee.

Like if you and Laura broke up and you went on a first date, that might be an itch that's too much for some girls. Like if she was like, how many times she masturbating you like three times a day. What kind of first date would that be? Just, I've got a few questions, get your credit rating out. Do you wank a lot? That's not a first date fucking question. Also when you've been with someone for 10 years and you sleep separately, if the wanking thing was a problem it would have come up wouldn't it? I'm not even suggesting for a second that Laura's bothered about it,

I'm saying some women would be put off by your masturbation schedule. The most revisionist thing I've ever heard. Yeah. I think you're wanking. I'm not suggesting that Laura gets the ick from your wanking. I just use an example about something that will give Laura the ick about you. That's not what I'm doing. I am. Well, I wasn't.

I don't think that's a problem. I think we're so far down the line that she'd rather I was just sorting myself out than fucking pestering her. Like, so I genuinely don't think that's a problem. I think we're so far down the line that she'd rather I was just sorting myself out than fucking pestering her. So I genuinely don't think that's a problem. Where do you shave your head? Sometimes in the garden. Right, so that might be an egg mate, isn't it? She might be giving that to herself, looking out the window and you're on the lawn with

your fucking gelette. Back garden. Shaving your head. Back garden. Shaving your ass. Back garden. No, I go front. I let the neighbours know.

Yeah, yeah. Like American History X. I just want to be the cock of the fucking street. This is what I do here. Imagine what I do behind closed doors. You alright, Brian? Shaving your ass in the car. Sometimes just because as a baldie, as a baldy, it's the, the hair control afterwards is a fucking ball.

Like it'll blow it away. It'll blow it away. Want it into the wind. It's just, it doesn't matter. Does it? Let it land where it lands. You can't let a hair. Yeah.

Yeah. Those hairs aren't going to fall into the grass and all of a sudden a ball can't grow. To be fair, shaving to the sink is annoying to clean, isn't it? Totally a bigger ick. Like I think Laura with, we're so far down the line. She's like, yeah, he wanks and he's a bit bald. That's fine. Right.

He's not a bit bald. He is bald. Is she talking to him? Yeah. This is just, this is just her internal monologue. This is what she's like every day. She's like, this is where I'm at. But I think she looks at it as like,

what's the biggest like hassle to her. And if I'm out in the garden shaving my head, she doesn't have to worry about it. If I do it at the sink, she hates me a little bit. Yeah. But it might give the XE and you, have you got like a top on or are you doing it shirtless? I do it fully naked.

No, genuine answer the question. I don't want to be genuine I do it fully naked. No, genuine, answer the question. I don't want to be genuine. What the fuck are you on about? Answer the question. I want like a real image of it. A what for the wake it, you know? If it was in the house, home kit. Cause it's in the garden, awake.

It doesn't like fit. What are you wearing to shave your head in the garden? Shimpads and nothing else. Are you poo bedding? A hockey mask. Answer the question. You ever poo bed? He's not poo bedded? A hockey mask. Answer the question. Have you ever poo bedded? He's not poo bedded in the garden, but he's shitting his cock out.

While he's shaving his head. Honestly, that is actually a pretty good combo for a shave. Because you've got the t-shirt on to stop the hair going on your shoulders, and then you've got access to your pubes. Just do the whole thing. I don't think you should shave your pubes in the garden. I know our garden isn't overlooked, but that's a menacing sight in it for poor fucking Alistair next door

just looking over the garden fence. What do you wear to shave your head in the garden? What do you wear to shave my head? Stop acting like a politician and answer the question. I want a real answer to the question. The real question is not what I wear, but how I wear it. Right. And that's why I think you should vote Labour.

I go topless. Yeah, I go topless. Can you imagine looking out your back garden window and seeing Dan topless in his garden? In my house. Looking out my house and seeing his garden. It's not a wonderful parallel. Fucking elements. Cyclops.

Cerica, babe. Cerica, babe. Come out of that periwinkle blue room. Sulking pink. Sulking pink, sorry. It's more of a room. Sulking pink. Sulking pink, sorry. It's more of a mole. Sulking pink. Come, come, come, thanks for correcting me.

Come down. Is, is Dan shaving his head topless in our garden? In his garden. Did you invite him round? Oh no. I think he's got a key. Yeah, erm, it's potentially an ick, innit? Does Lord give you the ick? Oh totally, isn't it? Does Laura give you the-

Oh, totally, yeah. What? Does Laura give you the ick with anything? Well, do you know what? Just before we move on from the shaving chat, right? One of my ex-girlfriends, we used to have mad about hairs, right? Like as in hairs,

because I'm not the most attentive person to mess. I've got like mess blindness. So like if I tidy like a kitchen, sometimes I'll do the whole thing and I'm not the most attentive person to mess. I've got like mess blindness. So like if I tidy like a kitchen, sometimes I'll do the whole thing and I'm like, I'm fucking done. And I don't notice that I've left like a pan in the corner. Like it's like, I can't see it. Do you know what I mean?

So when like I would like shave me beard into the sink, I would clean like 95% of it. But those little 5% that you just, as a man, you just, I don't think we've got the ability to see it And women come in and go like Immediately right she used to moan at me that be like fucking clean the sink properly right But then she'd shave a pussy in the shower and she'd fucking bang the razor on the shower wall And there'd just be a pussy hairs all over the shower wall, and she used to say that's different

What because we don't wash our hands there yeah she's like you don't wash your hands on the shower wall so me pussy hairs can just hang there you don't brush your teeth anywhere near my pussy hairs what you doing banging on the wall you know like when you've used a razor and you have to bang it to get like some of the hair off that it rise yeah so she'd bang her pussy hairs all over the wall and just leave them there for weeks. Yeah. And then that just takes a little shit. You've got to get the shower head, wash it down. She didn't. I'd get in to get a shower and it looks like fucking Bigfoot's hanging on the wall,

fucking looking at me. What the fuck is going on? Was I in the right there for saying that? That's the same. What the fuck? Yeah, that's worse, it's not the same. Yeah. Pussy hairs. You expect a bit of collateral damage when you have a shave. How often is she doing it? Was she a particularly hairy girl? Was it every day?

She was probably shaving her pussy as often as I shaved my face. Cool. Cool. Sinked up. Been together a while. You know, we're in a little routine. Face and pussy today, love. Banging it on the wall seems like...

I'm fine with that. Animalistic. No, I'm fine with that. Like I shave my cock in the shower sometimes. Sure. When I shave my cocks in the showers, I'll bang it on the wall, but then I do like get the mobile shower head.

You know, you have two, the proper one and the like other one. I get the other one and I'm like, wah. What's all this pew banging on walls? Why don't you just wash it in the shower? Like, don't get me wrong, a razor, what's this all, you can just put it in the fucking, the shower?

No, you can't. It doesn't get rid of all the hairs. Oh, no. How thick are your hairs? Quite thick. I need a shower brick, babe. Foo, foo, foo. It doesn't get rid of the hairs. I shave into the toilet, do I?

I do. Yeah, so I do that sometimes too. It depends on what I'm in the mood for. I'll whack it on the drain. Why are you in the garden as well? No, I mean in the shower. You mean the teddy shell orange? I either bang it on the bath or on the wall of the shower. Like my shower is in the bath.

It's one of those ones. Mad. I do think maybe the most Tory thing I do. Bath or on the wall of the shower. Like my shower is in the bath. It's a, you know, it's one of those ones. Mad. I do think maybe the most Tory thing I do, you got called a Tory, this league for not like coins, by the way, the most Tory thing I do, I only use razors once, once and gone. No, no.

Shavers or razors? Like Gillette, Mac three, like where it's at. You're using a blade every shave. Yeah. Wow. Lad I'm not because once I didn't and I used it twice or three times. Isn't it four? Depends. It's four.

So once I used it for the second or third time and it fucking cut me to bits. I was just like, do you know what? I don't, I don't shave that often anyway. Cause I go to me barbers for most of it. So it's mainly for me cock. I'm not risking cutting me cock open, like for the sake of two quid.

Oh, I'm going, you don't use this every, of course you don't use it every day, this is every couple of weeks, innit? If that. Right, okay, that's not the end of the world. Also, the razor's taking a lot of fucking damage because it's being banged against walls. I very rarely do my own neckline and stuff,

me barber does that for me when I get my hair cut. You need to make that manscape, this isn't an advert. That manscape neck shaver is fucking unbelievable. Yeah, I just, do you know what it is? Make it an advert. So I've used it, I've used it and it's genuinely fucking brilliant. However, however, I don't trust myself

to get me line dried. I end up looking like fucking, like Michael J. Fox has done it. I'm like fucking all over the gaff. So I just leave it to me barber when I can. If I'm away like in Australia and I had to do it with a, I hadn't took me like electric ones with me. So I just had like a, I bought some Gillette while I was out there and I just done me neck cause I had to cause I've been out there for too long. But like generally speaking, I'll just go to me barbers and get them to do it. Yeah. Well, so most people who shave every

day, that would be lavish if you were using a new fucking but he doesn't do cock and balls me barber no I have to do that myself and for that I'm using a brand new Gillette Mac 3 they're like eight quid for like for like 10 of them so it's 80p are they something like that good deal on them yeah the ones in the blue bag. Yeah. Yeah. It's not like the fucking the big beast every time. Is this just the replaceable heads? Yeah.

Oh, that's not the replaceable heads. He's doing the disposable ones. Yeah. Oh, yeah, they're disposable. You shouldn't use them. No, but you apparently people use them like six times before they throw them away, you know. I'm probably three or four and then I'm chucking.

Do you wet shave? Yeah. No, I mean. Just trying to find a pubes. Did you wet shave your pubes? What? Well, not my pubes, but. Your taint, your bowels. Oh, I've never wet shaved down there.

What have you done? Dry shaved. Sorry that has friction, that. Not with the monskate. I'm pretty sure. Not even when you've had a bath. Do you know, I'm a nightmare for that. We've spoken about this before.

Carl doesn't like, he doesn't use them down there at all. He just goes to a stubble everywhere. No, but not even, you know when you're having a bath and you just like ADHD kicks in, you get bored. I've done some serious damage to myself by just being in the bath and going, oh, there's a razor. Oh, there's a razor. Oh, there's my dick and balls. And then just once you've started, it's so difficult to stop.

I can't get a bath. I hate them. They bore me. I make me hot. Baths make your heart. That's a hot take. So I could get onto the hot bath and she's in a bad mood, because you just fucking boiled yourself in it, doesn't it? Oh, you got there in the end. Being moody after a bath.

Did she get out of the bath in a bad mood? No, sometimes she'll get out of the bath, it's too hot and she won't realise, she's like a frog. And then she'll get out. And she'll be like, I'm being a bit annoyed. I was like, your bath was too hot? She'll be like, oh yeah. Wow. I've literally never heard that.

She's never happened to you now because you don't live with Seneca. No, I know, I've literally never heard of that. It's never happened to you now because you don't live with Seneca. No, I know. I've just never heard of anyone get too hot and then be fuming. I'm fucking fuming, literally. Look at the steam coming off me. I'm raging. You're too hot, love. You're too hot again. She'd be a bit irritable. Get some ice cubes on your biff. You'll chill out. Bought an ice cube machine, didn't I? Totally.

You bought an ice cube machine? I'll let you figure that one out. No, but like, I don't think I've ever seen one. It's a freezer. No, it's not. It's a little box that you put on your thing and it just makes ice cubes for you. Like you get in a bar? In the most tiny version, yeah. Wow.

How much was that? 120 quid. But I buy party ice twice a week. Yeah. Twice a week? She has ice with everything, she loves ice. She has two, she's in an op-off. You have to have a second bath to cool her down

and improve her mood. She's like a lobster, you have to get her out of the hot water and into cold. But to be fair, I've been using cold plungers and it puts me in a great mood. So therefore like... Well it's a hollow suit, your heart one would like send you fucking math. If she gets out into the bath, your bath must have been too hot. She's like, oh yeah.

Because she doesn't notice because she's a woman and they like... You are an autistic household, aren't you? Probably yeah. There's no probably about it. You are heavy and like I've actually noticed it in here longer than I've noticed it in you. Yours is getting worse. She's particular. In what?

Most people are though, aren't they? I wouldn't say I was particular. What? What? I wouldn't say I was particular. You've got some... I don't like it when it's hot or cold. That's normal, innit?

No, but in life, you go into detail about certain things, don't you? You've got preferences that you're... You've got your little routines and your systems. You might be the most particular person I know, and if you don't want to do something or don't like the way something's being done, you don't negotiate it. You just stop doing it. That's just being cool, innit? Ah, there you go. Ah, there you, you just stop doing it. Yeah, that's just being cool, innit?

Ah, there you go. I'm not autistic. I'm cool. I don't know, peer failure doesn't work. If I don't want to do something, it's like I don't want to do it, so I won't. But I'm not particular. Like I'm a Guinness. I put on seven Guinnesses. I put my headphones on and I don't listen to anyone anymore. Just get me iPad out. I'm just gonna bet you get told what to do. What?

I'm just gonna bet you get told what to do, white people. I tell you what. No, but you're not like in any way. You should have been meanable before. What do you mean? You should have been meanable and malleable. You're incredibly malleable to Sereka and to nobody else. It's like you use all of it up on it

There's a fact that if she wants anything you're like, yeah cool sound you have that not a problem Happy wife happy life and then someone else can be like when you try that goodness, you know Or a fruit juice actually what things we've You yeah, I Just don't like it and told what to do. There's going to be so many comments of cars at Tory. And he's autistic. He's an autistic. He's a Tory autistic. He doesn't like coins. He loves ice cubes. No, that's Seneca. He loves ice with everything. It does make sense. Laura does get a lot of ice. She's got a Stanley Cup hasn't she? Yeah. Oh, Etta's

got a fake little Stanley Cup. She won the Stanley Cup. She's, do you not know? She's been playing ice hockey professionally. So she loves ice? Yeah, yeah. If I not mention it, she's got an allotment and she plays for the Philly Flyers. Are they a natural team? She's got, I think so, yeah. I was wearing their hat the other day.

She's got a Stanley Cup. You know, see, it's like a big handled, like, famous. So I've got a Stanley Cup. You'll see that it's like a big handled like. So I've got a yeti. It's the same thing. Yeah, but if your Mrs is on Instagram enough or TikTok, it's not good enough. It's if it's not Stanley. When we were in America, she was like, bring me a Stanley Cup back. I was like, great.

We went to Target. And we went. Don't come back without the Stanley Cup. You're getting three days now without the Stanley Cup. Do not return unless you're a Ryther Cup winner. We were there where the Predators were, weren't we? You. The Nashville Predators.

Yeah. So I went in, they'd run out of Stanley Cups and I very recently went for the next option that was still available and spent $45 on something that you know when she tried to be like, oh, thank you. But her eye, the tone of her voice was like, it's your Mrs. Going, this is wrong. She knows it would be just a psycho move to be like, the fuck is this? So she went, ah, thank you, great. Never touch it again.

People do put those down harder than any other items that they don't really want. Oh, look at that. Ah, that's broken. Look at that piece of shit! Did you get a real one? No, she bought herself a real one. Oh.

Via Amazon. Spenny. What did she do with the one you bought her? Oh, God knows. It's in the recycling cupboard. Don't know. And Etta's got one too? Etta's got a little cheap one. A recycling cupboard, yeah? That's two separate things. I've got a recycling bin.

Recycling cupboard? Pretty traditional like this. We've got a recycling bin. Pretty traditional like this. We've got two bits of recycling. We've got the recycling thing that Laurel wants me to use and then also the side where I just put all the recycling. Ready to go. There's an it. There's an nailed on it.

When I get out of the cold plunge and then I put my wet little sliders that I've used to get from the cold plunge to the back of the house just where she doesn't want them there's a major fucking difference though between not putting the recycling where it wants to be an it and something women just get annoyed by yeah I mean all men you know just getting annoyed with someone for doing something is not an it necessarily yeah it should be in and around attractiveness shouldn't it it's it's

it's basic you're not getting less attracted to you because you're not recycling properly. I don't know, I think there is an element to that, yeah. If she came in and you were like putting sunscreen on your nipples, that might be in it. That means you were sunbathing. Stop doing that in the garden. I'm shaving. I can't believe you shaved your head in the garden. It's so funny. Shirtless in the garden. All your neighbours were looking out the window when there was a bouncy castle in your backyard.

They must have fucking viewing galleries when you're doing shave day. I don't know. I think a major bouncy castle might be more of a fucking head turner. I've seen more bouncy castles than I have seen men in their gardens shaving their heads. Well my neighbours haven't. My neighbours have seen me shave my head quite a few times and they've only seen one time we bought a fucking obnoxiously large bouncy castle on a Tuesday morning when all my kids were at fucking childcare and school. That was like, what's going on? Is my life.

Dan Day's back up, by the way, it got taken down because of cartoon tits. Now it's back up, go and give it a watch if you haven't watched it yet or re-watch it before Carl Day was out yesterday. This week's guest is in it. Yeah, a tailor is in the special. And I think Carl Day is going to be massively popular. So if you are not a patron, sign up at patron.com slash have a word pod. It'll be out by the time this goes out, won't it? Yeah.

Last night, if you're a patron or a fan. Somewhere over 45 TV show standard specials. Yeah. Then all the exclusives and you get early access to the public episodes. Don't be a pub and wait till Monday. I think there's nearly a thousand posts on Patreon. So if you sign up for £33 you get access to a thousand posts. You don't have to look at them all if that seems daunted.

But you can. Yeah, because some of them are me selling tour tickets for tours that have finished. We delete those after a while. Oh do you? Yeah, I said to Harry just so people don't have to troll. What? Good for you. No, don't delete it, it's great work. My tickets aren't fucking selling.

Harry, delete it. Adam leaves them on the side and then you just go and clean that up. Yeah, yeah. It's made the yick. All right, let's have a break. I had a lovely time in London, by the way. Yeah. A couple of days in London.

It's a nice city. If only more people knew, you know. Good gaff. The big smoke. Yeah. That's what I call your mom. Big smoke off GTA. Oh, because she was cremated. No, his mom, because she smokes my cock. Oh, there you go.

I call yours big smoke because she's a character off Grand Theft Auto San Andreas. Get up from that one. Went to the celebration of Steve Brown, Alfie's deceased father, on Monday night. It's mad how much stuff. Who was on? The celebration of Steve Brown, Alfie's deceased father, on Monday night. It's mad how much stuff. Who was on? Harry Hill and Alfie co-hosted it.

What? I'm not saying anything. There's a lot of performance from songs and musicals that Steve had written. And then Stuart Lee was on, and Steve Coogan as Alan Partridge. Shit bill. Jan Ravens, John Kulshaw, Rory Bremner.

Like these are big dogs, aren't they? It was fucking class and it's mad how much he did. Like, he's not just all wonky donkey, mate. Like he wrote some fucking tunes. Did they do wonky donkey? They did a medley of all his TV theme tunes so I imagine it was in there. What was Stuart Lee like? So funny. Yeah. Yeah he just told the story that you know was just obvious bollocks was just a really nice tribute

like he was like winging it and making it up sort of thing. It was all just fucking great and then yesterday went to a two Michelin starred restaurant, sorry, sorry, called Jim Connor, the only Indian restaurants in the world to have two Michelin stars, I believe. And it doesn't deserve them. Oh, not into it. No, it's the best Indian. It's the best curry I've ever had. But it's not that much better than the second best I had. So how have they got it? It might, what, huh?

How have they got them? Is it politics involved? Well, they got their first one 10 years ago, and they got their second one recently. And the service was great and the food was great. It was really good, but it was like, it was really good. What do you want to justify that? Other places I've been where it's like fine dining and Michelin star food.

It blows me mind that you can do that with food. It's like, it's unbelievably good. And it was just good. Just a curry. If this place was like on Laugh Lane, I wouldn't like be there every week. I'd be, you'd probably go two or three times a year, maybe when you want a curry, but like, it was good. But they're not doing anything different. No.

In my head, Michelin star is like really creative and experimental. I can show you a couple of photos. And I mean, I can send them to Slider. Like it was served well, you know, that's a lamb shank in a Rogan Josh. And just a butter chicken, normal rice. This is a fucking curry. It a butter chicken. Oh, normal rice. That's a fucking curry.

That's a curry. Yeah. Why are you eating a curry? The poppadoms. That was really good. That was like a prawn. A prawn chutney. That just looks like a slightly posh curry.

Yeah, it was. But then what we did was, it was like three and a half hours till the train home, because I was coming back last night because I had to be here today. That's dangerous. Went to Devonshire and there was just a little speck in the corner and just sat there and didn't move for three and a half hours. And I think I had eight pints of Guinness. Nice. Also went to Harrods and bought some cheese and ham for the train home. Hang on. Did you drink eight pints and then go to Harrods? No.

That's a dangerous, pissed trip. I went to Harrods on the way to Jim Carna and got some cheese and like cured meat and bread to make a cheese board for the train home without. Tory! Yeah, I don't think Carl's getting called the Tory today. Michelin star, didn't deserve it. Just made a cheese and ham butty.

Yeah, cheese, isn't it? Comes out of Carl's arses, shall we? Block of cheddar cheese, some fancy ham. Yeah, hang on. It was from Harrods though, wasn't it? Yeah. I just made a cheese and ham butty. Did you go to the Deli counter in Harrods, lad?

That's where I got it from. So he picked up the big Parma ham and he does the fucking thing on the WAS machine. That's where I got it from. Oh, so he picked up the big parma ham and he does the fucking thing on the on the was machine. That's where we got our meat from. Lada, I got a wrap. By the way, no one has ever described the Harrods deli car. It goes to get the big fucking cheese and does the was I want to know. It was the ham parma ham on the was machine. Right. Right. Right. But he's in there that you can make.

Well, I basically made my own. Fucking man the ass. Class, I was absolutely squashed on the train, making my own cheese and on butty. I mean, the instructor, the conductor, what's his name? The train master. Jeff. Take it, man.

He come around and he's like, fucking hell, posh little butty that I did. And I was like, yeah, nice one, lads. Fucking hell. Fucking hell. By the way, like train drivers and the announcers who just do it with a little bit of judge, make your journey, you're gonna be having the worst day.

On the way down to London, a fella comes over and he goes, hello, ladies and gentlemen, it's John here, the train manager, I hope you're all having a bloody lovely day. I was like, of course not. No, yes, so we're gonna be stopping on Runcorn first, you know, pick up some of those lots. Going down to Crew Stafford,

this one does stop at Milton Keynes, so it does take us a little bit longer to get into Euston, but I promise by the time you get there, we're all gonna be the best of friends. I'll be through shortly to check all your tickets. And he come and sat and he was there. He come and sat? He come and sat with me.

Does he definitely work there? He checked the tickets and I can't remember why. He was like, he had like a tan and stuff. And I was like, you're in a good mood, John. Was that you like on the tan? And he was like, yeah, it makes all the difference to the journey that, you know, when someone's got a bit of energy.

And he's like, I'm just in a good mood. I'm just back off me holidays. So he can see me tan. I've just been to a Greece for a couple of weeks and he's like I'm just in a good mood I'm just back off me holidays already you can see me, I've just been to Greece for a couple of weeks so I'm all refreshed and relaxed and ready for the Christmas running and I was like oh nice and sick and I go I've just got back from Australia, he's like I love you, that's fucking far away. Hang on he's checking tickets did he just get half a carriage down and everyone else didn't get the tickets checked? Well no John's in a good mood but he's not doing his job is he? I'll sit down with you. Well I was at the end of the carriage so he's got to go beyond me afterwards but he goes I was like yeah I Is he? I'll sit down with you. I was at the end of the carriage. He's got to go beyond me afterwards.

But he goes, I was like, yeah, I just got back from Australia myself. And he sat down. He's like, I'm here. I was dealing with the time difference there. I was like going out there. It was a ship coming back. He was like, yeah, yeah. He went out. I was a sailor for years, me. I was a sailor in the Navy. Yeah. So we went to South Korea.

And I'll be honest with you, mates out there. They were really lovely people when we arrived. And we fucking ruined it it to be honest with you, they're all fucking miserable now. Just his one ship, yeah, ruined the country. I love that, be personal, be human, people need it. Dead scouts around. We don't need robots doing the jobs anymore. Just fucking being, oh I'm offended, but you said bloody then. Oh, no, that, yeah. Don't be a bad egg about that stuff. Just fucking. Sometimes, sometimes when people are super chipper in those jobs, if you're not in the mood, you just sort of want people to do the standard fare, but if you're in a good mood as well, and then they come with a bit of personality,

that's a beautiful combo in it. Personality doesn't need no, it's not what I'm, is it? One of my favourite moments on a train. There's two, actually, there's one with you, but that's my one. Oh the one was a Couple of years ago. I when Liverpool were competing for the league and we I think we just won one of the Cubs I mean 2022 after the FA Cup and I was getting the train home and I think we've just gone past Milton Keynes and it come over the tannoy and he goes I'm swimming my one Yeah, or when I whenever it, it might have been after that,

but it comes out, I don't even know if it was that game, but it comes on the tannoy and he goes, ladies and gentlemen, just letting you know, this is your training manager speaking, this is Alan. We're gonna be going through to Liverpool, we stop at Stafford, Crewe, Runcorn, and then finally Liverpool, Lyme Street, and I just wanna let you know, Jürgen said to me,

we'll win that Premier League, you know, he said so, I'm in love with him, and I just want to let you know, Jürgen said to me, you know, we'll win that Premier League. So I'm in love with him and I feel fine. The other one, for some reason I was trying to play Jarroul on my phone, living it up. I don't know why. I can't remember what it was. No, we were talking about it. We were like in a good mood going and we were going to London for something weren't we?

Yeah. Like in a good mood going down and we were talking about that. Maybe we were just like singing it or whatever. This train journey needs a bit of trouble. It wouldn't play because of the signal on my phone and then the guy come over and goes, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to stop blah, blah, blah. And then as he finished speaking, he went do do do do and it sounded like he was playing and we like like, what the fuck? For like 10 seconds and I was like, ah, it's just me phone. But for 10 seconds it was like, he's going, I'll put it on for you boys. It just blasted. Yeah.

I take the guy with personality doing like a train conductor job over the grumpy. I love the Tom Rigglesworth story. He did an Edinburgh show about it, didn't he? But he was on the train down to London and there was an old lady who was apparently going down to London to do some Christmas shopping for her grandkids and she'd got on the wrong train. She had the tickets, she'd just misjudged it and she had the wrong tickets and the conductor turned up and was like, these are the wrong tickets so you're gonna have to pay for a new ticket. She got really flustered. She's like well into her 70s and And she was like, oh, and she felt so bad that she was on the wrong train. So she was like, oh, I haven't got any money.

I've only got the money for my grandparent, my grandkids presents. And he was like, I don't know what you want me to do. You need to pay for a ticket. So all the passengers got involved like, hang on, like, cause he was being so overbearing with it. And she's getting upset because she thinks she's got to give him all this money. And he made her give her all the money. So at this point, there's other people on the train complaining like, come on, it's an honest mistake.

He's like, no, reels are reels. Yeah, no, she's got to pay. I honestly think I punch his head. He paid the cash. So Tom Rigglesworth, who is a brilliant comedian, I'm sure we'll get him on at some point. He's great comedian. He looks like, where's Wally, doesn't he?

Yeah, he looks like Sideshow Bob. And he ended up going around the whole train and getting a collection going and just going seat to seat and going, can I just tell you what's happened? Told them the story and started a collection. At this point, the conductor is fuming, you're begging on the train, you're begging on the train.

And when we stop, I'm getting British Transport Police and you'll be arrested, so go and sit back in your seat. It was like, I'm absolutely not gonna sit back in my seat. I'm gonna raise the money that you've taken off that woman for her presence. Once I've got that, I'm gonna give it her and then I'll stop. I'm not begging, I'm righting a wrong that you've taken off that woman for her presence. Once I've got that, I'm going to give it her and then I'll stop. I'm not begging.

I'm right in a wrong that you've made and stopped. British Transport Police are there. The train stops. Tom Wigglesworth is escorted off the train by the conductor. And then about 19 people go with him, with the old lady. And the British Transport Police literally hear everyone's story and go, absolutely fine, everyone get back on the train, and the conductor got disciplined.

Sick, fucking love it. It's disgusting. There's just no need to be that much of a cunt, is there? Like if it's a little bastard, if it's me, then go, yeah, you've got on the wrong train, you should fucking know better. You're of sound mind, age, and you know how everything works, and you're clearly just trying to get on the wrong train, you should fucking know better. You're a sound mind agent, you know how everything works, and you're clearly just trying to get on a different train.

But if it's that old woman, just fucking be sound and go, ah, do you know what? Just show a bit of humanity. No, but who loses out if she's on the train? She's paid for tickets. Who loses out? Well, what he's doing is going, there's rules. And also, if you work on training, you're a conductor,

you have to put up with a load of little shit, a load of people being knobheads, people being abusive. I get it, it's not an easy job. People piss. No, but no, but day to day, it's not an easy job, is it? But if you can't detach from that abuse to just nice people who've made a mistake. I think it is an easy job.

No, but they do. It's fucking easy job. Please. They get hassled, don't they? They get hassled. Train, late night train. Joe doesn't get hassled. John, from. They get hassled, don't they? They get hassled. Train late night trains. John doesn't get hassled.

John, from the one I've just been on, he doesn't get hassled. Do you know why? Because he's fucking sound. Do you know when they get hassled? When they're cunts. Coming back from London. People are dicks on trains though. People can be dickheads, can't they?

After working with Theo in London, on the train back, I had to buy a physical ticket, which I never do. He used to get it on my phone when I was in and bought it. Between buying it and getting on the train, I dropped it. So the woman comes around and take it. I was like, oh my God, I haven't got it. I've got the receipt on me, banking app. I need the physical ticket.

I went to her, fuck sake, home luck. And I went, do you know what? I have a look and I'll come back. So like, just I'll give you five minutes to have a look. I was like, down. Rummaging car and find it. And then she just kept walking past and looking at me, not asking. And then let me get there and get off.

She didn't ask. Basically she went, yeah, I'd like you to have a look. And then just didn't ask me again because she knew I was being honest. Yeah, and you've been genuine and you've been, you know. But she kept walking past and not even looking at me. I was like, oh, you fucking, what a girl. Loved her.

Shall we do some? Where's it from? What the fuck? What happened there? The volume is too low. Evan says, cut, cut the boys. That's an old reference. Was thinking about how ACDC used to rock up on stage

with school uniforms on. Still do, I think. Only, I thought only one of them did it with ACDC. What's the script there? Why? He just did it in the seventies when they started and it's just kind of... And now he's like well into his sixties. Oh yeah, I think he's in his seventies.

Those old boy rockers who are still in good shape and can still do it are fucking impressive. I don't know if it's just a combination of being multi-multi-millionaires, yoga and good cocaine, but they're still going, aren't they? Keith Richards was on heroin, wasn't he, for years? I thought he still was. Is he? I don't think Keith Richards has ever stopped doing heroin. He's just done the best heroin.

Rod Stewart was doing something. Have you seen him now? Looks like Shirley Carter. Who's Shirley Carter? Doesn't matter, does it? She doesn't sound pretty. Does she look like Rod Stewart? Yeah.

Yeah, but he's an old man. He's allowed to look like Shirley. He's 79. Oh, all right. I like it often. Yeah, same age as Tess Daly. Amazing. Evan says, if you lads went on another Have A Word tour and had to wear outfits like the village people,

what would you each wear? New York Yankees jackets. And say May there is row on the front I reckon. Yeah. Probably that one we've seen in New York. Oh mate, too expensive though. Something like that. I'd wear a unitard.

Careful. You'd wear a what? Someone who goes to Edge Hill Uni. Didn't you nearly wear that for the arena? What? Didn't you nearly wear an Eddie wear that for the arena. You nearly wear Eddie Murphy outfit for the arena. I don't think you know what a unit odd is. I'm Eddie Murphy's never done a I thought that's what you wore. Is it like a jumpsuit? A unit odd. Oh, a unit odd like

a bow. Yeah, it's like, yeah, you're thinking of a leather jacket thing. A leotard is usually worn by women. So I'm thinking of that, but like to the floor. That's a cat suit. No, a skit, you mean like a skin tight light career. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was just being silly, but I love you. Like what, like Eddie Murphy? I was like, I've never seen.

No, but you were gonna wear something mental for the arena. There was talk about that. Yeah, and then in the end, you don't want to look like a fucking full bellend in front of 10,000 people. And Eddie Murphy's 80s style was something else, wasn't it? Like leather jacket, matching leather. I mean, that is a red iconic, isn't it? He did a purple one as well, I think. What if we were all trying to look different? If that was our thing, I mean, it's not our thing is it? Cause it's so cringy being like, we're the outfit guys.

That's what they'll call. I remember the noise next door when they started out, we were like, what we'll do is there's five of us and we'll all wear black shirts and black trousers, but then different color ties. That will be our thing. And it's just a matter of time before you go, ah, this looks fucking naff. But listen, Evan, unitard for comfort. I'd be absolutely fine with. Anyone else? No, I don't think we're really. A fez.

Yeah? Or nothing else. Really? Yeah. It's cultural, isn't it? You look like me in the garden. What is the fez by the way? I know what it is, but why is the fez a thing? It's a mad art in it.

Isn't it from Fez? Huh? What? Isn't there a place called Fez in Turkey? Am I having a stroke? Tommy Cooper used to wear the fez. I know what a fez is! Morocco.

There's different hats all over the world, isn't there? It is. Can you name some Adam? Jews have the yarmulke. It's like a kipper as well. That's a fish. No but isn't it called a kipper as well? It is isn't it? Yeah. Is it?

It's called a kipper yeah. I think the hat's the yarmulke. I think the kipper's a different thing. I'm sure it is. Google laugh him what the Jewsipper. Yeah, I think the at the yarmulke. I think the kipper is a different thing. Google laughing. What did you use? It's a hat. Kipper is a hat. Brimless cap. What's a yarmulke? Yes. See, so the yarmulke is the little tiny one. A kipper is like a, they're the same thing. They're the same thing. Just different names for it. He's right though. Even his work backwards. I think that's amazing that old Jewish guys were like, you know what, we're all going bald, aren't we?

Let's say that God made us wear a little hat to cover it up. I don't think Colin. Is that what it was? I wouldn't be surprised. But some of them were, like the ones in Press Switch were those fucking mad like tall ones, don't they? It looks like they're hiding something under it. What, like the top hats? Oh, they were like

the, yeah, the big, the pilgrim hat almost. Yeah. Oh damn. Like it's like, yeah, it's like an, um, what's the Mexican one? Some bread. Oh yeah. Like the Jewish Shambrero. Wow. That has never been said before. Massive multicolored Mexican hat. Have you seen, I seen a video today, right? And it's, it's so well done. So this lad in America goes to university campus and he wears a sombrero, like a fucking cartoon, like one and a fucking giant mustache like this stuck to his face. And he's going around the college campus and he goes, uh, do you find my outfit offensive? And there's just like white women just going like, uh, yeah, cause this is not your culture. Are you Mexican? Yeah. Even like all the races he's like goes up to the black guys. Like, is this offensive? And the black guys say, yeah, man, like you're

not Mexican. So you can't wear that. And then he goes to like the Mexican quarter of this town and he's just going to Mexicans going, I thinking outfit and they're going he's fucking great man The Jamaican quarter what's the problem just wait to do you make is gonna get just a little bit Fogging good month, but I think you're in the wrong quarter Listen I'm gonna tell you about this Mexican choir. We like it, but you're in the wrong quarter. Listen, I'm going to tell you about this Mexican choir. We like it, but you're in the wrong place. You should have known different when you saw the sign saying little Trinidad. It's great.

It's absolutely great, man. He nailed the whole story and it just got to the end. This absolutely great. Totally wiki. Let's do some have a word. Oh God. If you want to send in any questions or... You want to ask us anything or that's a question, isn't it? That's the same thing.

Haveawordpod at gmail.com. If you want fast track, patreon.com slash haveawordpod. Steve says, lads, I need to have a word with my best mate, Con. He's 24 but exclusively messages on Facebook Messenger and nothing else. He's stubborn and won't move to WhatsApp or Snapchat

and just sits there sending big blue thumbs up like a pedophile. Have a word because it's becoming difficult to message him. That's from Steve. No, stop moaning. Seneca does this. Seneca's only messenger. It's difficult.

It's difficult to message him. It's difficult to just open that up and message him. I'd rather it be on Snapchat with the rest of me peeing at Philip once. Yeah, Snapchat's not the one either. What are you doing? I think here's the thing. It's a generational thing.

I'm like a year away from it. Everyone of my sister's year, which is two years below me, uses Snapchat. And like, that's how they text. Yeah. If I got a message from your Facebook, I'd be like, he's been, he's been hacked. He's been hacked. Yeah. Sereka does message you, I better like it because I sent him some abhorrent things on WhatsApp and I might accidentally send it to her. Yeah. So I actually liked

it. You've got your own whole platform for messaging Serika. I don't message anybody else on Messenger, no. I find it so orientating when people message on Facebook. There's so many other ways. There's definitely some people that I only communicate with in certain ways. Like I only ever text you. Yeah, you've said that. Your form of communication. Is comedian stuff still on Facebook? Is that where, I don't know, yous aren't on the circuit anymore?

I honestly think 80% of the comics on the circuit are active on Facebook because there are groups that offer them gigs. Yeah. That's the only reason Facebook is- It's still used. Because my gigs for years was always Facebook and then the past 18 months has migrated to WhatsApp.

Like everyone's now gone. Now no one uses Facebook anymore. Even 40 groups. Have you seen what Squaddle is? No. We use Squaddle. So it used to be like you make a Facebook group when you're organizing a game of five a side.

Yes. And now it's like, it's all on WhatsApp. It's like automated groups and stuff. It's so much better. Fuck Facebook. Yeah. I just, if, yeah. I it's all on WhatsApp. There's like automated groups and stuff. It's so much better. Fuck Facebook. Yeah. I just, if yeah. I message your bed on Facebook. If I've got to get in touch with Sereka,

that's where I message her. I text you, I WhatsApp pretty much everybody else. Liam Bolton I talk to on Facebook. I WhatsApp with him. I've made a WhatsApp with Liam Bolton, but yeah, same. And there's a couple of people I only really talk to on Instagram. I've got like Sharon's on there, but I only talk to her on Instagram. For some reason.

Can I honestly, if text messaging just wasn't a thing anymore, I'd be fine with it. I use WhatsApp so much and Instagram DM is like the second one. If I go in my text, it's just literally people going, your confirmation of your order. Yeah. And that could be an email. I text you and me dad. iMessage is my most common one.

That's how I communicate with most people. WhatsApp's just the ghost. Oh, can Instagram bring, like, I know Facebook's dying and that's all good, but if they could just bring over when people are having the birthday thing, that would be so sound. If you could just have, if they could just bring over when people are having the birthday thing, that would be so sound. Just as a, if you could just have, if you could just let me know, because I'm missing so many birthdays

that I should know better. Like it's not, I don't need to know every fucking person's birthday, but just key contacts. If you could just go, hey. Just watch everyone's Instagram stories and you know, because they get tagged in it. It's your brother-in-law's birthday,

could you just give him a little shout out? Facebook was so good at that. It was. That was the only thing that I miss. The rest of it can get in the fucking bin. Well, have you listened to the dev team? Who's dev team? Tara says, wag wag lids, I need you to have a word with my dad.

My boyfriend of seven years came over at the weekend to visit. We're currently doing long distance while he works. So it's a big thing when we get to see each other. I got home from picking him up at the station. My dad said he'd show my boyfriend to the spare room. I told my dad we'd planned on both sleeping in my room to which he said, absolutely not. And that it would be disrespectful to him.

Reminder, I've been with my boy for seven years. Long story short, me and my dad ended up having a big row and we booked a hotel around the corner from my own house. Have a word with my dad for being an old fuck or maybe have a word with me for not respecting my dad's wishes. That's from Tara. I see both sides there.

Do you really? Seven years? I don't think it matters. I don't know, dads, especially old school dads, don't care what you've been fucking for. What? They don't think it matters. I don't know, dads, especially old school dads, don't care how long you've been fucking for. What? They don't care, do they? He seems like he cares.

No, no, I'm saying, you've been together seven years, I don't give a fuck if you're fucking in my house now. Some old school dad's just not into it. I just don't know. I wouldn't give a fuck. Why, why do you care where your daughter gets bumped? Imagine saying that to him. Like she's getting like at long distance

she is getting fucking tickets a pound time mate. It might as well be in your house. Are you saying this to the dad? Why did you care when I'm bumping it? I'll bump it down the road. Dad listen I'm getting bumped. Where do you want me to be? Because I'll make you a cup of tea afterwards. But if I'm in a hotel. Making him a cup of tea afterwards. Oh dad, I've just got bummed there. Have a cup of tea. I hope you didn't hear anything. All right.

No, I wouldn't give a fuck, but I understand these old school effort and that. I met a girl in Benidorm. I met a girl in Benidorm from Hull. She was four years older than me. When was this? older than me. This was 1999. Oh wow. We went after, when we finished A-Levels, we went on like a boozy trip to Benidorm,

which was grim. I met an older woman. Do you know what's really funny about that? Genuinely in my head there, I nearly made a joke about you being old in 1999. And in my head I was like, no, he's probably like 30. I'm 10 years old though. 11, sorry. Oh Jesus Christ. 19, 1899. You're a decade older. You're two decades older than these. And she, she was from Hull and when I got back from Benidorm, it was before I started uni, there was a couple of weeks

before I went off to uni and she drove over to St Ann's, I was living with my Nana at the time before I went to uni and my Nana who was so chill and so cool, I was like, so this girl's coming over and she was like, oh no, love. Oh, I can't, Oh, I can't have an, having a stay in the house. I'm sorry. What will the neighbors think? So I had to go to a bit. What? What do you mean? How would the neighbors know? Right. That's not how, that's not how it works. Is it? They just, Nana thought that she's not doing a press release that just to let you know everyone on the street, my grandson's bumming someone tonight, like she's worried that they'll just see. We didn't smuggle her in at night. My Nana like get her in the boot, we'll put a fucking rug over her, we'll get her in. So I had to go to a

bed and breakfast in St Anne's because I couldn't afford a proper hotel. So I had to go to like a 38 pound a night bed and breakfast and just turned up and this old woman was like, Oh, so Mr. And Mrs. Nightingale. She had to, she made us pretend that she thinks she is. You're paying 38 quid. You can bum me whatever you want, whether you're married or not. Everyone's getting bummed in there. That's why you're going to have 38 quid. Bed and breakfast and bumming it should be. That's amazing. It's the youngest married couple ever. The B&B and B. Yeah I think my nan would have been the same it's just an old school way of being like no I don't want to hear you. Would you be arsed if you end up like having a you know I know you're not planning on

having kids but you. If I had a daughter and I had her getting wailed on upstairs I think I'd be a bit upset yeah. No if she'd been with him for seven years, why? I'd be like, why? You know she's getting smashed somewhere. I just don't want to, I don't want to hear it. Don't you want to put the telly on? Put an album on? Well, the only, I mean, obviously she's-

Yeah, my daughter's seven, so we've got to be careful around this conversation. What am I, she's getting smashed somewhere, didn't she tell me? No, but I mean, you're the nearest to the needless to within any of us saying me and Laura have discussed this and we've said it a few times. Laura just got up to all sorts anyway, just like lied. I did the same.

So why are you forcing them into situations where you don't know where they are? If they've got a boyfriend, fair enough. If they've like, I've just met him. Like if she's 15, 16 and she's got a boyfriend, just get real. You know what's happening. It's better that you sort of like, I don't know though. I remember getting bullied by one of my ex-girlfriend's mums because we were shagging too loud. So you just hold... Shag bollocks? That was big as my head mate. What Would you give her the Reggie chat?

Him, sorry. The Reggie? Yeah. Who the fuck Reggie? The bad boys too. Motherfucker, you look dirty! Yeah. Would you give them that?

One of them up the stairs. Oh, I can't wait, yeah. I'm bringing you boys around for the first time. Why did you get followed by this woman, sorry, I ain't supposed to do it. Because we were having sex in my girlfriend's bedroom too loud and she had to knock on it and be like, could you please keep it the fuck down we were just being little dirtbags and shagging too loud so that's the problem isn't it it's all right being the sound parent which that was my ex that was one of my

first girlfriends and her mum was dead sound but we took the piss and just started having sex loudly like in the bedroom next to hers one of my my ex-girlfriends, when she lived at home, she wouldn't let us fuck unless her parents went out. And then one night she got a bit, like we'd had a couple of drinks and she was like, right, we can, just let's be quiet. And we moved to the floor. And that's the nice-

Classic moving it, so there's no squeaking and creaking. But also she lived in the loft. What? It was above her parents bedroom. And one night I've told the story before, but I, it was the night I snapped my banjo in the dark. And it like, no one wants to bleed to death. When we turn the lights on, you know, it looked like the fucking bathroom of a butchers. Like, like it was fucking everywhere. Like the blood. And obviously we did our best to clean up with the next day and mum's butchers like, like it was fucking everywhere, like the blood.

And obviously we did our best to clean up but the next day, mum seeing it, I was like, what the fuck happened there? And she just said, ah, I had a really heavy period. But it was like on the ceiling and shit, you know what I mean? Like if she believed that then- Oh, and Adam snapped his banjo. And we killed a goat.

We're into some weird things now mum. The floor by the way ain't for fucking. Your knees, I mean, doesn't matter how young or old you are. I think my garden office might stop being mine when the kids are teenagers. I might just give it up as a like. A fuck shack? Not a fuck shack! Take it to the fuck shack Willie O'Don was trying to watch The Wicked Slink here.

The window's just sleeping. Take me to the fuck shack. Where is that section of fuck shack? The window's just been steamy. Someone draws a cock in it. That's better than it being in the room next door. It's glass panels across the front. It's what? You've got curtains?

Yeah, but I'm in the front bench. If it's 11 o'clock at night and I'm in bed... You'll be shaving your head in the car. You'll see it, mate. You crack on, love. Gotta be honest with you, that time I met Pud off here, and your dad's got no top on, he shaves in the car. 11 o'clock at night, is that what you think I'm shaving? No, mate, can I have your contact with me?

If you can't fuck today, she can't fuck here. Off you go. I wish you'd just get bouncy, you cossacks. This is fucking weird. It's nearly midnight. Off you go. I wish you'd just get bouncy castles. This is fucking weird. It's nearly midnight. No, you can't let your garden office be the fuckshack. It's too much of a good place. I just think there'll be a point where the kids will be like,

oh, I'm having so-and-so around. Just fuck off to the back of the garden. Like, maybe I'll be able to reclaim my house at that point. The garden office exists because I, the whole house is given up to just like, you're going to like decorate it like, like in a romantic way, like a big, like water bed and stuff. You know, like one of those romantic gets me on lights, red lights, love is love and stuff like that. You're doing making content at the dance. got an only fan. No, bummer.

Maybe just leave the couch and you know, just make it more. Sometimes on this plot you're like you've just got to roll with it and then other times you just take a little step back and go I'm talking about my child's sex life. Way too early. Let's have a break. I hope she's a nun. Hey, what are you laughing at Carl? Our lovely guest Taylor, I'm reading her research. Taylor Ryan's here! Oh yeah, we've got a research department. Well congrats to you for finding my leaked nudes. Leaked? We need a better printer. It's really funny, like, because he's brilliant at what he does, you know what I mean?

But like some of the facts like that make these documents, it just... Also, I know you're autistic. Yeah. Facts. Yeah. Facts. But we are showing real autism traits with this research recently. Every episode we're like, hello. Hey.

What is this? The data. You need this in order. Every week. Now we go ahead. Nope. The first one is loves buses. I do. No, I do. No, I do.

I do. Recently I've been playing this bus simulator game. Oh yeah, they're good. It's so fucking lit. I paid two grand, not my real money. Like I earned two grand on this bus simulator game. And then I paid to get the bus changed to blue. Cause that's my favorite color. Fucking hell, it was such a good day. You paid two grand on this bus simulator game. And then I paid to get the bus change to blue because that's my favorite color.

Fucking hell, it was such a good day. You paid two grand. Yeah, just to get the bus color change. Now could you have got that two grand out of the game and use it in real life? Can you imagine? No. Two grand in the game?

Yeah, two grand in the game. I did the train one and did the terrorist attack and never played it. I jumped off the train while it was moving. Where did the train? I saw the terrorist as well. Because it crashed into another one. And I meant it while it was moving. Where did the train? Because it clashed into another one and I meant it. It was tenor. I never played it again.

Genuinely, I think after saying that on a public podcast, you will now be on a tenor watch list. You'll never go into America ever. Oh, I'll make sure. There's jokes. Oh, that's how it works. Cup it out. When they broke in, if he'd have there's jokes. Oh, that's how it works. Yeah. Like when they broke in, if he'd have said before they shot him, I was just joking.

He didn't do a lot of podcasts. Oh, summer. I didn't really do that. I reckon he probably did do a lot of podcasts. What they probably have like, he didn't do. He did James English. Yeah. He didn't do. James English. James English. James. I saw a summer in the man cave. No, he did.

He did videos though. Didn't he? No. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Podcast. Podcast though. Did he watch the podcast and then I saw him been loud and video. He was announcing that he was about to bomb somewhere and the podcast is like funny interview kind of style. He was under this week. We have bomb somewhere and the podcast is like funny interview kind of style. You know what I don't think he was. And this week we have a Jamie Hutchinson. Taylor, Taylor.

They never announced they were about to bomb somewhere. They went back, cause that would sort of foil their plan. He didn't like, like the, you know, the 4th of September he didn't go, hey, you all better watch out in five days. He didn't do that. What happened was they bomb somewhere. I honestly thought you'd only done it in your head. What happened on the ninth, Adam?

Yeah, what happened on the ninth? The ninth was awful. What? Time difference. I think you thought it was the ninth of November. Cause it was time to watch it. It is annoying, isn't it? No, isn't it?

Is that the only country in the world that does the date that way around? He's a terrorist. He just lied, didn't he? Yeah. Oh, you all better watch out on the ninth and they get to the ninth and they're like, see get to the night. So he did the videos. He did the videos after claiming he was like, that was me. That was that. Yeah. That was all stats. Well, at first he didn't, did he? He said

it wasn't them. And then he claimed it afterwards. All right. What do you mean? You didn't claim it straight away. People was, people thought it was Saddam Hussein as well. And then he pushed it on him, he was like, oh yeah, that was me. Fuck. So Taylor, you like buses? No, I'm like, I haven't done Auschwitz to come. Good God. What do you like about buses? I can't, I'm autistic.

I can't tell you why I like buses. Are you autistic though? No, I am. It's like I'm a bit autistic and Carl definitely is, but you why I like. Are you autistic though? No I am. Cause like I'm a bit autistic and Carl definitely is, but you don't present as autistic do you? No, no, I guess not. But like the diagnosis says it. So like.

The what? The diagnosis. The diagnosis. Like the doctors are like, you're autistic. And I'm like, okay. Yeah, I know. I don't know what it is about buses. They have a schedule.

Oh yeah, that's autism. I really just, I like them. I want to drive one. They have a schedule. Oh yeah, that sort of something. I really just, I like them. I want to drive one. Can someone hook me up with that? I just want to drive one. I think we can make this dream a reality, you know. Can you imagine? Yeah.

Oh my God, that would send me. That'd be it. I could fucking die and that would be, I'm good. You could just train to be a bus driver, you know. That's not that difficult. What going from an OnlyFans creator to a- You're supposed to be trying to drop a beat. That's for the love of the game. Yeah, I's not that difficult. What, going from an OnlyFans creator to a... Yeah, you're busing me to a game. Yeah, I'm going with it, but this is actually...

Can you imagine? It'd be a busy bus, wouldn't it? Yeah, it'd be a busy bus stop as people are like, yeah, not this one. This is the 22, fuck this, it's the wrong 22. Fake bus. Yeah, fake bus. Oh, now I've got my bus fare, girl.

That's going to be a video on her channel within about like a month, you know, fake boss, fake boss. Yeah. Like fake taxi. Yeah. But it's a gangbang. But yeah, exactly. I don't do gangbangs. No, but I mean, you got a fake bus somewhere. Yeah, but I'll present it. I'll present the gangbang. I'll be like, welcome to my fake bus. But like I'm hosting the gangbang. Oh, I like that. Yeah. Yeah. And then I'll do like camera angles. No, you're just driving it round and they're all gangbanging. Don't take a tight left. Oh my god can you imagine? It's one near bumpy ride. Some Mexican fella. So you draw the line of gangbangs? Draw what? You draw the line of gangbangs. I draw the line at like anything over

a threesome and it has to be with two girls so I don't do like threesomes with guys or anything. I only do it- Two girls and a guy or two other girls? No, just two other girls. Awesome, Cal. Yeah. Sorry, one girl and another guy, yeah. Yeah, no, it's me and two girls.

Like I do threesomes with girls. I don't do it with guys. Same. Is there an- This is the way I roll, really. So much in common. Yeah. Oh my God.

And by the way, Taylor's a porn star and she's got an only fans. If you're wondering like this comedian's a bit frisky. Are you a porn star? Well, I mean, I call myself an amateur porn star because I don't do Because you want to do it in the Olympics. I want to do it in the Olympics. Yeah. If I get professional. But isn't star, aren't you a porn actor? Cause star means like you're the top of the game, doesn't it? No, no, no, it's just like the name for it. But like I, I don't

do mainstream porn. I'm not on porn hub, not on any of the other sites, but yeah, like I say I'm an amateur, but yeah, I see how many dicks I can suck in a minute. It's one of the competitions that I want to join when the Olympics come up. Watch your watch your what you reckon you could do in a minute. I was almost just putting in a mouth because I compete for that. It's the intent though, isn't it? I just love to be in the game. Just good to be here. I love competing.

Not about winning, Adam. You gave it a good try. Get those pubes out your teeth. I'm only in 10 minutes and it's completion. It's a completion. Oh, I could probably finish someone in like 30 seconds. 20? What? Yeah. Immortal combo.

I reckon so. Faith, you've never made someone come in 30 seconds. I absolutely have. I don't mean to disrespect you. I absolutely have. Really? Absolutely. Was it an embarrassing little fucking premature guy?

This was just a normal fella. This was a normal flame. You'd pass him on the street. You wouldn't be like, he's come quickly. Exactly. Just a fucking jack of all trades. John the bus driver. Yep.

Is that what you're doing? You're passing people on the street going, quick jizzer. Do you know what I have noticed genuinely? I judge everybody. Great rapper. Yeah, you what I have noticed genuinely? I judge everybody. Great rapper. Yeah, you meant to? No, like I pass people on the street and like I feel like I know everything about them.

I love people watching. Do you know what I mean? And I think I'm right. Like about 90% of the time. I walked past this woman in London, right? About two months ago now. The weekend we did the Red Bull thing when I went into town and did the comedy show,

I walked past this woman and I heard her laugh. And this is how she laughs, she went, oh, right? And I knew immediately that I ate her. I didn't need to have a conversation with her. I knew if I ever met her in any social situation, it would never go any, I'd never be like, oh, I wanna hang out with her. I knew if I ever met her in any social situation, it would never go any, I'd never be like, Oh, well I'm out there again. She just went, Oh, no. No. Like I passed it in the street and I ate and she laughed like as we sort of. You fucking suck.

Was she all right? I saw? Yeah. Why do I suck? You suck. Why? Because maybe she was laughing at something really sweet. Like what you were dressed like. No, she was having a conversation with her little fucking beige pants, blue blazer fellas who seemed like, you know what I mean?

No, don't you? The Tories. The beige pants, blue blazer, white shirts, brown belts and no facial hair. There's a billion of them. They're all walking around central London and she's looking at them. The fucking Terminator taking it all in. A whole outfit. Yeah. It's amazing. Yeah. I'm very intelligent man. So by judging everyone evenly you just walk out and go, you're a nob.

I walk past other people. Sometimes I walk past a fella and I'm like, I bet you need a good pint. You know what I mean? Yeah, the woman with the, oh, isn't coming to pokes, is she? No, I was not invited. And I don't think that's me. I'm just a really good judge of character. It doesn't take much. You know what I mean? What's your laugh when you let go then, if you think that woman was just letting go? No, I, no saw like bet like, you know Jimmy Carr's laugh. Yeah, like I'll go into that Yeah, but like snorting. Oh my god. My laugh is so mental. We'll get you there challenge So where's the man coming 30 seconds I call bullshit actually, where's this a dick sucking competition? Where's this dick sucking, is this a real thing? Where is this?

What is this? What is this? Is there a? Is there a? It's not a real thing. Is there a PO box I can send off to? For what? For getting all these dicks sucked.

No, it's not a real fucking thing. Oh really, I thought you. It's not a Paul Olympics. I haven't thought so. There should be. There should be. There should be. Oh absolutely.

I do think we're like less than a hundred years away from that happening, the porn olympics because it's becoming a lot more sort of, you know like de-stigmatized, like stigmas sex workers now, you know a lot more widely accepted and not sort of seeing in the derogatory light as it once was. Yeah. A hundred years from now that is going to be on BBC 9 AM in the morning.

It's the Bumman event. Pol vault with your cock. 9 AM in the morning. It's two weeksumman event. Pol vault with your car. 9am in the morning. It's two weeks after when they're doing the special Paraporn Olympics. That's when I'm in. Parabumming! Parabumming's on an half-eight. You've got to wrap the disabled.

That sounds like you're just parachuting into an arsehole. It's amazing. What are the events we have done? The long jump, but you've just got to end up in a vagina. I like it. What about the women's one? They went into the vagina? Hammer throw is just domestic violence. Oh, God. Wowzer.

We do not condone that here by the way. No, not for me actually. Do you know what I'm going to come out on a limb and say it. Not for me, domestic violence. It's nice. Bold, innit? So you like buss and shit? What was this dating show you were on recently? Oh my god. We were talking before we started recording.

You don't like on any sort of, in any sort of public, and you don't like talking about your own sort of dating life really. Because it's none of business. And it's boring as well. Like it's genuinely boring. But yeah, the dating show that I just went on, it's like, think about like Love Island,

but like a load of low moral women in the same villa. Are you low moral? Yeah. Only fans. Okay. Yeah. No, I'm not.

That's a joke. I think that's internalized. Oh, it is. Discrimination. Discrimination. Internalized. Against yourself. Yeah.

You listen to other people and you're making it. I know if I self-deprecate then someone else can't say it. So now when someone comments that I'll be like, I just said that. No, totally. You need to back yourself. Tell me about the slugs in the house. Low-morrowed women. Oh, sorry. Sorry. My bad. I said it to be fair. Yeah. Think about like Love Island, but like for only fans, creators, and there was just this one guy and then we had to kind of like fight for his attention until like he picked

you and then there was like a prize fund of up to 10,000. However, when is this airing? Just Saturday and Monday, Saturday, privately Monday publicly. Okay, this coming or after? Okay, I can't say now, but I'll say it off camera because it will give away the full plot. But yeah, basically I was a plant and I was on there to stir up some shit.

So I did that and I can't say anymore because that's gonna give away everything for anyone that watches. When's it out, where can you watch it? I think it's gonna be on YouTube, but it won't be out for like another month and a half. It's on the CBB's YouTube channel. It's Palomar, you get that, man.

Slagos. Slagos. Oh my God, there is actually a series called Slag Wars that Rebecca Moore does. What's the, what's Rebecca Moore? It's like drag queens and like the queer community, like LGBTQ plus representing. And I've not watched it, but it's called slag wars. So it sounds like something could be in the Olympics.

Like the tug of war. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. I think I say in this for research purposes, so detailed when it comes to research. Same here. I've been researching for this interview for the last 33 years. How did you get into it? You know what? I used to watch Girls at the Playboy Mansion when I was like 14 years old. I've always been so interested in the porn industry, glamour modeling, like Hugh Hefner. I fucking love it. I love all that sort of shit. Do you love Hugh Hefner? Well, I don't love Hugh Hefner per se, but I love what Playboy is and what he created.

So yeah, I've just been watching that since got into modeling. Then I got into glamour modeling and then I was like, I'll just get my whole tits out. And then I did. And then just kind of spiraled from there. Class. Yeah. Hugh Hefford things. It was, I think we were, we're too young to remember it not being creepy as fuck though.

Like I'm sure back in the sixties and seventies, it was kind of cool. Like he's rich and he's got a house and he just lives with Playboy bunnies. By the time I was old enough to sort of understand what was going on, he was like 88. And you're like, it looked like a hostage situation with a load of sex workers. And it kind of like was like, if you listen to like any interviews with like ex like former bunnies, like they will, they've said that in interviews where it was like not enjoyable.

He would use like baby oil was lube because it felt better for him, but would give them like thrush and like BV and all that sort of stuff. Like it was, it's actually kind of horrible, but like it was so lit when I was 14. I'd come over from school and I'd be like, fuck, this is so cool, look at them all naked. It was great, but yeah, it's actually not that good, is it?

I've never used a baby oil as lube. You shouldn't. No. It's really bad for you. It's bad for me. It's bad for everyone involved, but mainly the female. It's good for massaging them. Don't turn to me at that point.

It's good for massaging them. Let's make eye contact. Nice. Just so you know. Now, we're past that now with lube, aren't we? Try lovehoney.co.uk. Because the lube gabes come on. But back in the day it was baby oil. Or what was the, like, or Vaseline. Was it Vaseline?

Was it? Or WD-40 if she was a big girl. Yeah, like Vaseline was like the OG. That's why Ice Cube's diss track's called No Vaseline. Oh yeah, for bumming. He's like, you're all getting bummed with no Vaseline. Getting dry bummed by fucking Jerry Heller. Jerry Heller, fact. Well done.

Because when you're watching porn, as a lad, you don't want to see the... You want it to be believable. You don't want to have to suspend disbelief. Absolutely. When you're filming stuff, like when we... I think when people go and see comedy, they're like, oh, it must be amazing. They're getting on and they're making people laugh. It's so cool. And they're having drinks maybe. But actually there's so much day to day, the dressing room.

We're doing the same sort of fucking shop talk every gig. You're on your phone and it's just the norm. It's actually pretty mundane. When you're filming a scene or you're doing something, the behind the scenes must be really just like humdrum and normal and samey. Like it's, is it just worked? You literally turn up and go, oh yeah, that is Jeff. I know him from, and then you start filming and put it in another gear. I'm about to out myself. But like,

yeah, it can be like that. Like it's not, if you're watching and subscribed, it's not like that. It's really nice. It's all always dead sexy here. Yeah, it really is just about like turning it on, becoming that character, what that person wants in that moment. However, there are parts of my job that I fucking love. And I asked for permission to tell this story before. And just a disclaimer, he really likes this.

So he's probably gonna get off on the fact that I'm even gonna speak about it. But then there are parts of my job that I really like. So the other day I got a custom from this guy and he wanted a pair of my pants. So I sent him a pair of my pants. I get a picture from this fucking man, this fat fucking man wearing them.

And he's wearing them up, right up to his hips. Bear in mind, I am not fat. He is fat. They are cutting into his circulation and his balls are like out the side of it, up his ass. And then he paid me to send him a voice note, fat shaming him. What did you say?

What the fuck? You fucking fatty little fat, lazy, ugly fat man. And how long did you work on that? It was- You big fatty little fat, lazy, ugly fat man. And how long did you work on that? It was- You big fatty! It was about 30 seconds. You big fatty, mom.

Do you feel any sort of guilt or anything when you do on that? Well, I mean, you guys all met me. I think dad likes it. Dad likes it fucking horrible. Are you into that? Just keep going. Are you into it though? No, I'm wearing my pants, but what I'm a little baldy, baldy, fuck, bald, fatty, fatty, fuck, bald. You shave your head in the garden. You fuck, fuck, turning myself on. I didn't know you were into being shamed. I'll do it for you.

It's different. When we're on a comedy podcast, you're like, you know, but I'm like, keep going. Any guilt with it? Any like, ah. No, cause you guys met me when I was the dominatrix for Dan's special for Dan day. And you saw what I was like with that. I am not very good at you. You laughed very easily. Yeah. Yeah. Because you broke character

too much. I'm not a Dom. I just did it for like the plot. I just did it for the, for the laws, but I'm not a Dom. Me and Carl, so start quite quickly and have no respect for your authority whatsoever. I know you did it. Paige was there like fucking get on your knees. I was like, yeah, bitch, get on your knees. Yeah, we didn't believe you. She was like bark and I'm like, ruff. No, not me. But yeah.

That's bad Dominic. That went away. Bark, Ruff, ruff, ruff. I'm the fucking worst when it comes to like Dominatrix and stuff. Like I am so like, I love joking. I love comedy. I love laughing. So that's just not in my mind. It doesn't like I'm not that person. So yeah, I feel fucking awful when I do it, but I'm fat phobic.

So that one's fine. I could do that one. Yeah. Cause you actually do believe it. I believe it. Yeah. When I'm saying it, I'm literally fucking lazy, fat, fatty. Oh, there's a limit to how many people you want to be doing that for. Like we've been doing cameo messages for the bike ride around India. And when you've got like eight to do, sometimes you forget to do them. Someone's like, Oh, it's my brother's birthday tomorrow. Can you quickly do it? If you had to do 20, like, Oh shit, hang on.

Just before we get starters, you're a fatty, fatty, fuck, fuck, sort your life out. You big fat fuck. Sat in the ivy. Yeah. It's like, you big fat fuck. Sat in the ivy. It's like you've just seen how I do it. There's a limit of how many times. Does anybody ever ask you to be nice to them? Yeah, yeah, I have to be nice to loads of people,

which like I'm really good at, because like I don't like being mean. Like I don't like it. But when you, being nice to me is like just being nice. That's not like complimenting. So do you have to just be nice? Be like, hello Ian, you know what I feel like? Like complimenting. Have a lovely day.

Here's a cameo. We've been doing this. Yeah. I hear you're a big fan. Good luck to you. Hope you're getting better after the fall. That's literally my fucking only fans. Like honestly, all the time.

Oh my God. All the time. Like people be like, can you say happy birthday to me? And I'll be like, hi Darren. So there's lots of non-sexual stuff people just want to... There's loads and loads of non-sexual stuff. Like a lot of my page is non-sexual stuff. Like I do the sexual stuff because I enjoy it. I offer that, but like loads of it is not that. Isn't the girlfriend experience as well where people want you to be like, hey babe, how

are you? Yeah, I don't do the girlfriend experience. I do. I don't care to speak to people on the phone. Oh shit, to people on the phone. Oh shit, it's out on the phone. Yeah, they'll have like calls like once a day. You haven't got to offer that, but that's really what you're paying for. I'm not doing that.

Not for 250 quid, are you joking? I can't think of any. Can you imagine forcing someone to speak to you every day? You get a friend experience and you get any in both company and sex. Oh, it's been fucking bad. Can you imagine she's had it there with you now, dude? Just ignoring the calls of an OnlyFans girl.

Fuck, I'm out. You're right. Where that at, man? Sorry, lads. It's been fucking bad. What? Oh, you know what's going on. I said I was going out for the match.

Thank you, Mistress. Yeah, no, there was an early kick-off. We're in a four, yeah, and then we're going for the fucking scram. Oh, fuck off! Be home when I'm home, won't I? Fuck off. 250. Chris, that OnlyFans bearer paid £20 for the week too.

Bargain,, beat that. Is that true? 20 quid a week, she's just at 250 quid a time, isn't it? Yeah, but Taylor's a good one. You can go down the leagues, can't you? Yeah, that's self-priced. She's top flight. Get a Vauxhall conference, only fans go,

all right, I'll be your fucking girlfriend. Give me the address. They start ringing you. What's the weirdest thing you've been requested? You know, you get the boutique ones. Yeah. Um, I mean the, the fat shaming one was interesting, but there was another one that I did recently. Oh God, this really doesn't it autism. I've got the sensory stuff. I've got like the visual stuff, like overwhelm us. This guy wanted me to blow up balloons and then pop them. So this whole time, so I'm like, I'm blowing up the balloon with the pump. And then he wants me to play around with it,

the sensory of the touch and that already. I literally want to fucking die. And then he wants me to pop it. And I'm, do you know, have you seen Elf where he's like doing the jack in the box and then he goes, ah, and then he does the next one. That was me, but like with balloons that you were popping yourself that I had to pop myself for the, yeah. But obviously I'm like this, like real, how much I think it was like 160. I'll do that for a one minute. It was a two minute video as well.

I don't think it's the same thing. Do you know what I mean? I'd much rather be called a fat twat than have someone blow balloons and pop it. Do you know what? Do you know what's really weird? I was thinking as she was saying that, I actually don't know why I get it, but I get that one.

What, the balloons? Like the blowing the balloons up, yeah. Yeah, because blowing up. You say you were using a pump. That feels like that's half a thing. Yeah, but think about, yeah, the way they did the. Yeah, but I just. Come on.

Women are terrible at hand jobs, so that just wouldn't turn me on at all. Is that true? You have no idea. You have no idea what you're talking about. I do, actually. You have, you just don't. You think that I can't finish someone in 30 seconds

and women are bad at it. You can't suck someone off in 30 seconds. Yes, I can. It's gonna be a weird end to this episode. Yeah. I was literally about to say, I'm gonna give you 50% of someone off in 30 seconds. Yes, I can. It's gonna be a weird end to this episode. Yeah. I was literally about to say, I'm gonna give you 50% of the cut and prove it. 30 seconds, like I'm still thinking

about the fucking match from last week. I'm not even like in the blow job yet, forest. 30 seconds, I'm just not having it. Like I don't make myself come in 30 seconds when I'm doing it as like a chore. You've got a woman. I'm better than you,. Like I don't make myself come in 30 seconds when I'm doing it as like a chore. Pfft. You got a woman. I'm better than you, I've done it low.

No, but you know like when you just need to come, you know, like you don't wanna wank, you just like gotta get the demon out, you're often on a hangover and you just need to get it out. And you're just like a really quick one, you put like the filthiest thing on and it just gets you there quickly. That takes me like 90 seconds to two minutes.

So what are you gonna do? Suck you up. You're sucking yourself up. You're not sucking your own dick, are you? With a pair of tits. That isn't true. I just think like I've been playing this guitar for a long time and you don't know the chords.

But you're not sucking yourself up. I'm not sucking myself up. It doesn't feel the same, does it? No, you would if you could. I saw someone say,'re not sucking yourself off. I'm not sucking myself off. It doesn't feel the same does it? No. You would if you could. I saw someone say, when you suck yourself off, it doesn't feel like you're getting sucked off. It feels like you're sucking someone off.

And that's true, isn't it? I don't know. You can only feel one thing at once. You can't be like, whoa. You feel like you're sucking someone off. How easy is it to suck yourself off? Have you tried? have you tried? Every man tried.

Every man tried. Yeah. Yeah. Usually when they're quite young. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? It's like a middle-aged dad bod, cyber try. I'm struggling to put my socks on.

Yeah. Yeah. Accidentally suck yourself. I have to tie my shoes one shoe at a time. I can't stay down there for two full shoes. If I start sucking my own dick, have a seizure, bite down, I'll just roll down the stairs like a fucking rolly poll.

He's doing it at the top of his face. Sonic the Hedgehog. I like a danger suck. A danger suck. I was sucking yourself up. John Lewis. I'll go upstairs, Jack, daddy's playing his game again.

Is this yoga? Sort of. Has anybody ever offered you mad money for something and you've gone, no, not even for the, not even for like 10 grand. Like to meet up with them and stuff. Like I get those, I get those requests all the time. Like I have prostitute friends. I have hooker friends, like fucking get your bag. Love that for them. I don't do it. So like my services online and I get that all the time. That's the only thing you've been offered big money for.

No, I probably have had other stuff, but you just asked me this question. I just cannot think for the life of me. Genuine question though. Is there a price where someone will go, I'll give you this and to meet up and do it that you'd be like, like half a million pound. Probably a million. Yeah. A million. Yeah. Fuck me. That's a lot of time. Yeah. Cause I just don't, I just don't care to do it. I don't need to do it. Yeah. Yeah. Cause I just don't, I just don't care to do it. I don't need to do it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. been in a caravan. Why didn did you just get yourself a bus? What get out of both? It seems like you'd be so I actually genuinely thought about doing this, but like the cost of the renovation of a bus and bear in mind, I have no fucking skill when it comes to like building I likekea winds with this table, yeah. I would rather throw this table off the fucking ledge than try and put it together. I hate doing anything like that. We have to give that table to a proper person

to make it for us. Yeah, I don't like it. So I can really reconstruct a bus and the time it would take would actually pass me off. You misunderstood me. Sorry. Pay someone to do the bus for you, love. Yeah, but how expensive?

Do you know how much it is? Are you making bank? I don't have a bus license. Just get more fatties to be like, call me a fattie. Don't be a bus, just live in it. Don't bother. I haven't got a hotel license, I don't want no one staying in my house. How are you supposed to get it around?

What, I'm going to leave it on my fucking driveway? Yes! Are you joking? My house has got a bus outside of it and my neighbours are like, this is getting really irritating now. Don't answer. I can't.

Also, I think the thing you like most about buses is the schedule. Yeah. For you to really get turned on by it, you'd have to like have a route in its schedule. No, and it's the routes. It's not just the schedule. I love buses because of like the routes. So it's not necessarily buses that I love. It's knowing where they're going.

I can't explain it. Are you a fan of mini buses or is it just buses? No, so I love vans. Do you like small people as well? I love small people. I love like tiny little things, like tiny little people. Do you mean children? Yes. Or dwarves?

Or dwarves. Well children are sexy, but dwarves are fine. Just in. She likes mini bosses and mini people. Mini bosses are rough break for dwarves. Taylor, what transformers scene did you recreate in a bra? Do you know where Megan Fox leans over the bonnet? Oh yeah. And when she's fixing that, yeah, yeah, that is an iconic scene. Yeah. I really did that with like some like really like short denim shorts and just like the whatever top that was. What car was it? I genuinely think it was my Volvo. Can we get a picture of that to put it in for the YouTube?

Cause it looks a bit like Paul Inns. It's 250 quid. That was 335 quid for the Paul Inns one. I will actually ask the subscriber cause it was for them. Oh, come on. So I will ask, well, they paid for it. He's had exclusivity though, hasn't he? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

So you're telling me if someone asks you to do a certain picture or video and you send it to them, they get like exclusive rights to it? Well, they've paid for that, yeah. They don't get to keep it, but they get to keep it on OnlyFans. And then I won't sell it or send it to someone else. So like I wouldn't post it on social media

because they paid for that. Have you done anything with pressure washers? No, but I've done some with my shower head. Yeah, do not mix those two. You're going to lose a flap. I know Danny, it's this one. I put another one. Someone pays you to eat Chinese. Oh my fucking God. Yeah. Yeah. So that's the dream. That's the dream. It was amazing. You'd be a Rich Only fan. That is the dream. Yeah, I was super happy.

It's always paying me to eat Chinese. I'd let you call me a big fat fatty and I wouldn't pay you for the privilege. Genuinely, I was so happy about that because he wanted bloated pictures. So like I said to him, I was like, well, to get bloated I need to eat. So I was like, I could fucking swindle this.

Like I could absolutely get something out of this. I was like, oh, eat Chinese and that will make me the most bloated. And then he paid for my Chinese, sent him some pictures of me being bloated, which is like normal after food anyway. And I got paid to eat Chinese. Mental.

That was a good time. I was like, I wish you were bloated. You're like, I fancy a spring roll actually. Do you ever get any requests off women, like mental ones, or it's just men? It's just men. Well mine's just men. I'm sure other people get women.

I did mean to ask you this before when you brought it up. Why do you draw that line when it comes to threesomes between men and women? Or is it only women you work with anyway? It's only women that I work with anyway, but also I just, I don't know how to work with men. Like I love, I fucking love men. Like I love the idea of sex. I love sex. I'm a sexual person. Like I think it should be normal to talk about.

I love that. But in porn, I'm just, I think it's such an itch. Like I'm watching like a guy like fuck on camera and I'm just like, I don't like you. That gives you the itch. Watching men fuck on camera. But you turn the camera off, you're like fucking get it. Well, cause it like fucking get it. Well, cause it's not like real, it's a bit like robotic. Yeah, I just, I just don't. So I just wouldn't work with that.

I just don't really like it. But with women, when women and women are working together, it might be fake, but it's so hot. And like, and a lot of the time you can start enjoying it. So like the porn that you'll see of like girls working together, there's a chance that it could be fake, but there is also a chance that like they've got a good connection. Like they've enjoyed doing that scene together.

And I love that. So you can tell when it's fake, when it's lesbian stuff, when they're like, Oh, I'm going to go down to you. And they just like miss. Yeah. And they've come straight away. If he's ever seen that, like, Oh, I'm going to go down to you. And then like, yeah, fake. Honestly, I want to

see an absolute graph when it comes to lesbian sex. Get in there, get in there. Just as deep as you can. This is what we trade for. So what are you so more fake stuff? What you mean? You can tell the fake. I'm just doing it for the money rather than the money. They're like, oh, how am I going to go here? They actually like it. Look like the fucking, the Winston. Like you trying to fish. Yeah, yeah.

Bring your rice pud in here. Do you have girls that you always work with then? Have you got like a roster? Yeah, I guess. I guess I do actually. Because you trust them and you know them. Yeah, like I have worked with like a few creators over and over again. I have done that. It's like us with comedians. We've got comedians that we trust to be the good like standing guests, guest co-host and stuff. You've got your mates who you work in the industry. And you know it looks good on camera. Like you know that you're going to enjoy yourself.

Like whether it's real or fake. Like yeah yeah, it's the connection isn't it? Cause at the end of the day, like you are selling sex. So yeah, I do have people that I work with. And I know you've started doing stand up or you've tried it. Is that like a proper long-term ambition? No, genuinely. Oh, it actually is, you know, like that's why I want to move up North because like, cause there's no comedy clubs in Somers sets. It's just shit. Like it is just shit. Like you've obviously got the glee club and that, which is, um, well, there's a few in Cardiff, but yeah, you've got the chicken's good. Bristol's got like, Bristol's got a good scene, but like you don't live in

Bristol. Do you live in the middle of nowhere? No. And it is like 40 minutes away from me, but like the people that I like and the people that I've got to know and like the comedy scene up north, like I find fucking funny and I find it much funnier. Northern people they're funnier, the accent, like you could be more self-deprecating as someone from the south and then speak to someone from the north and like they'll kind of get it, they'll get the humor and you can just take the piss out yourself for being a Tory and everyone loves that. So are you going to move up here? I would like to. If I do, it will

be in May that I'll be moving in May. So coming up soon. Cause not soon. Yeah. That's that's not so isn't it? Christmas is a whole baby in that time. I'd rather die. You'd rather die. I would rather die than have a baby right now. Yeah. Yeah. Can you imagine? Oh my God. What am I going to do with it? What if it cries? What if it cries? Feeder? Oh, I'm not ready for mother of the babies either. Cause of it. I shut up. Yeah. Shut up. What do you need? And also I literally watched on TV a Calbee born yesterday and it ran. It came out of the mum and it ran. A child, I'm not even joking,

you leave it on its back for too long and its head's caved in, what's the fucking point? That's so useless. I genuinely do think about this quite often. Babies are shit, aren't they? Like we have the worst babies. We have the most useless young, yeah. Yeah, useless completely.

Oh, a foal? Straight out of the booth. Sharks are swimming. Running. Sharks come out swimming. Sharks come out swimming, dogs come out and go for a little walk and whatever. Yeah, you know, they can sort of talk Yeah, baby. I'm like, oh, yeah What are you doing? Fuckin shout nobody can't do anything It's true. They're helpless screaming as well immediately. They're fucking annoying the second they enter the earth, they're annoying.

Yeah. Hey, which was, I hate them. Oh, I actually hate them. So glad I actually don't have a baby. Sounds a bit, well, that's what I'm putting in room one or two babies. That's a fucking good shout. Oh my God. There's all people in there. They can look after them. Oh, I love old people. No, they're useless. They're just fucking screaming and crying and shitting themselves. Oh, I know. Oh, they're so. They're just fucking screaming and crying and shitting themselves. Oh, I know. Oh, they're so cute. I'm actually so passionate about all people. I can't, I can't even have this conversation. Oh, I want them all dead. I think you should get to an age and you know, just explodes. Yeah. Four to five. But there should be like

a ticking, like, um, like a timer or something. So everyone knows that it's going to happen first. So no one's around when you're heading. And you could sort out your finances, like sort the funeral. It'd be great if there was like a ceiling or how old you can get. It would stop. It would sort the age of population. I was, if they just made a new law worldwide and it's just, 75, someone walks into your bedroom the day after your birthday so you still get to have your birthday and they walk in, they go, you're hungover, yeah? Do you want it all to end?

Bang! Done. I might not stay at mine on my birthday. Oh fuck, he's not here. This keeps happening. He's not here. He's on the list. There's his address.

Do you know what? This is a broken system, this. Where are they? Killed no one this week. Old address. Do you know what? This is a broken system. This where are they killed? No one this week. All bastards. Have you seen Midsomer? No, Midsomer. When he gets to a certain age, they kill themselves. Logan's run as well. That's the old rock and die. And I was like, I love it. The use of burden. Yeah. And their communities about like contributing when they get old enough to like, well done. I love it that you had head after explode. You're usually used to burden, aren't you? And their community is about like contributing when they get old enough, they're like, I can't contribute no more to that

and then kill themselves. I wanna be the biggest fucking burden when I grow up. I wanna be the biggest burden. When I'm old, yeah. So who though, you don't want kids? Well, no, I will have kids at some point when I can stomach the thought of it. But like, when I'm like old, like I wanna be,

you're not putting me in a care home, you're wiping my shitty ass. Who? Well, whoever it is, it old like I want to be I do not put me in a care home You're wiping my shitty ass who well, whoever is that's not gonna have to be like hopefully like a grandkid or something Hopefully a grandkid talking about age Have you got a time limit on your career with only fans and and being in porn? Have you got a Logan's run sort of date where you're like, I can't be doing this at 55? I probably won't do it at 55. So 55 probably.

How old are you now? I am 26. Right. Yeah, but I haven't got an age. I just, the reason why, I've always loved standup comedy, but I would love to venture into something else and be known for other things

before I leave the porn industry. You want to evolve into something else. Yeah, exactly. Cause like, I love performing. Like I love speaking. I love like making people laugh. Like I really enjoy that. So yeah, if like, if OnlyFans was like the step up

for that to be able to get there, then whenever that needs to end, so I can like progress into something new, that's when it will end. Leave the porn before the porn leaves you. Yes. Have you started a business though within OnlyFans? Casimiro!

That was wise. If he started an OnlyFans he'd do bits. Have you started, you've got the sex creators over here? Yeah, sex creators. Yeah, it's an online course. It teaches creators how to like be business people within the industry and how to utilise their own fans correctly. Like I'm not a management company, I don't run people's pages, I don't do any of that, I don't take percentages. But I just teach people the fundamental basics in being a business person.

And then I dive into social media marketing and all that sort of stuff. So yeah, I do have a business in that. Obviously that will help with me coming away from the industry. I want to get into property and own property will help with me coming away from the industry. I wanna get into property and own property. That will get me away from the industry. And then comedy is like a passion project really. I'm not looking for it to pay the bills. I just want it to be something else.

How many gigs have you done? One, and it was on Mong Monday. On what? So. What's that? Is that a Somerset thing? No, it's a Northern thing. It's new act night in hot water. Yeah. It's the hot water. We're calling it now. They've got some mad brandy. That's what they could

buy. I don't know where I'm supposed to say that, but they, I don't care. They call it mom Monday. So anyone that does it, you're a mom. But you are in quite an interesting position because you've done one gig, but you've got such a following from the work you're already doing and like the videos that you're creating and stuff. You could probably sell tickets to stand up two gigs in. Yeah, yeah, I could, but it would be because people want to come and see me strip on stage and not for me speaking. Yeah, but just don't do that. Actually as the show goes on, put more clothes on. I was starting a bikini. Every time someone laughs, I'll put an item on. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

People are going to be going, shut the fuck up. Like, site. I'm kicked out for laughing, literally. Come on, come ruin this. Have you ever thought of more plans, do more gigs? Yeah, I would like to. Like I- Just do it then? Why are you waiting for? I'm so, I don't know why.

I've gone back to being like scared. Like there was, when I was backstage waiting to go on stage, there was this guy and he was like, oh, how did you get onto this then? And he was going on stage as well. Like he was one of the mongs. And he was like, oh, how did you get onto this? And I'm like, the fucking same way that you did. I was like, Oh, how did you, how did you get on to this? And I'm like the fucking

same way that you did. I was like, you sign up and you go on and like the judgment there where it was like, Oh, cause you've got like a big following and like, Oh, cause you do this and you know them that that's how I got on. No, you can't call you out for that at the bottom rung. It's an open mic. Anyone could, my dad could have come up and he could have been like, right, it's my time to shine. And that one's not fucking funny. So anyone could have done it.

We'll do it again. Oh yeah, using your connections, are you? Beat the frog, is it? Oh yeah, yeah, your nipple baby, are you? Beat the frog, shite. Emailed an address, did you? Doing this Pete the Frog shit. E-mailed and addressed, did ya? On your computer. Lucky you.

I had to shout at the fire exit. There's so much bitterness. Like, it's really interesting. If you do get into stand up and you do it sort of, you know, the traditional way and you don't use the following you've already built and you go through sort of the rungs of the ladders of open mics and gong shows and then like sort of unpaid open spots

of the bitterness on those early sorts of rungs. And then you get to a point where you're doing clubs and you get bitterness from people that think you're about to pass them as well. Because everyone you start with, as soon as you do a little bit better than anyone you're with, they're like, who the fuck do you think you are?

I'm just as good as you and you're getting more than me. And then you get beyond them and you don't even see them anymore. And you're like, Oh, I'm in the clubs now. It's all going to be better. And then there's some comic who's been headlining for 20 years. Who knows they last year they got booked six times and this year they got booked four. And it's like, right, well that's awesome going down. And then you start a podcast with them. You were never that though. No, no. You used, cause I think you were quite comfortable with the fact that you were always one of the best headliners. So you encouraged everyone else because you wanted to get rid of the dead wood that you were hanging around with.

Shite headliners. Yeah. It's going to be nice. You just got to, yeah, you just got to be mates with nice comics and ignore the cunts. But also if you've got nervous again, it's, it's because you've left it too long. That's exactly what's happened. Like that is exactly what's happened. So I genuinely just need to, I've been working on material. Like I do have some stuff and I've taken out the stuff from the first show that I did and I completely scrapped that because it didn't get, it got like a couple of chuckles on my now I'm not doing a couple of chuckles.

That doesn't fucking work. And I've like taken the rest of it and then I've built on it. So like I have the material, but like you've already done it once. The first court is the deepest. Yeah. Is that Leonor Lewis or something? Yeah, I have. Lead out. Show yourself. Yeah, you're not, you're not up. It's not going to be more nerve wracking the second time. You just have to do it. Yeah, I know. That's why I'm at the moment.

So I genuinely just need to do it. And I feel like if I take that leap to move to the north, well, the reason why I'll be moving is to dive into comedy. So that'd be pretty fucking mad, wouldn't it? To move all the way to Manchester to be like, not doing a show. You've got some shows. Yeah. Have you had any other jobs? I used to be a van driver. Really? Yeah. What? Before? Um, Amazon and a delivering packages. Yeah. And then delivering car parts.

So I was the delivery car park driver as well. So I learned all the, all the bits of a car. Now as you get into that send an application form to form. Did you get hired? Did you go in the job center? Did you look at you? So one day you went, I don't want to deliver car park parks. Don't have a car parks. No more too big. You just went, I want to get into the sex work and just overnighted it. Or no, it was, I, you know what? got sexually assaulted. Jokes. Ha ha. So funny. Um, I, sorry, it's a comedy book. Um, no, I actually got sexually assaulted by my manager and then I was like, no, because I was already doing only fans and I was already,

and then he had like that opening or he thought he had the opening where it's like, oh, she does that so I can do this. Um, and then that was when I was like, fuck this. And then I went full time with OnlyFans. And then I'd- That's gotta be one of the most sort of horrific, but also daunting things about your line of work is that it does sort of give the worst people in society, like this idea that like, oh, well she does it there.

So she obviously wants me to grab whatever. Yeah, it's kind of hot, but like, don't do it. I mean, good effort. We've slightly skewed the message there. Ignore what you said. She's like, yeah, no, you can think about wanting to fuck me in the cupboard. Just don't fuck me in the cupboard. Well, tell me you want to.

No, it's literally that. Like just keep it to OnlyFans. Like don't actually do it. Do you know what I mean? Like then it's hot. Just don't like cross the line in it. Yeah, yeah. Love it.

Don't touch. Yeah, look, don't touch. Exactly. DM. Don't shout. Don't shout? Yeah. You want a DM to you?

Yeah. You don't want it shouted? Yeah. DM on OnlyFans with a tip. Don't shout it at me in the to DM to you. Yeah. You don't want to shout. Yeah. DM on OnlyFans with a tip. Don't shout at me in the street. Oh, with a tip. I thought that's what they have to do. Well, they don't have to tip, but I mean, I saw it on Instagram story yesterday where you shamed non tippers. That's hilarious. She did an Instagram story yesterday shaming non tippers. Yeah, I thought that was a done thing.

It was a real, and it was a real, it said, put POV, you're falling off a ledge, but you're a subscriber that doesn't tip. And it's like, and then they just like die, but they don't die. It's just a point of view. I've said that before. Look, I'm not, I'm not completely versed in the only fans universe, but the impression I get from the research I've done by following 7,000 of them on Twitter is that you're supposed to tip. It's supposed to be like, is 20 quid love you pussy. That sort of thing. Yeah,

I suppose you can. No, you can't tip like just be nice, but like you pay for the content, you know, but then it's just manners to be like, is 10% is another two quid. Cause it was a surprisingly good pussy. You've all been to strip clubs, right? Yes. Yeah. You've all been to, I know you, you fucking- Finn's been to a mosque.

I met you at a swingers club, you fucking losers. I know you've been to these places. We asked you to come there. You didn't bump into us. You didn't bump into us did you? That's so much fun. I was about to say to you, yeah, we're just doing some film. Oh, you got a camera? Get it out. Let's nice to see you. We're just doing some film.

Oh, you got a camera? Get it out. Let's make some content. That did not help your case. Me and Carl go to strip clubs for a laugh, right? And what we do is we try- She's not going to respect this, by the way. It's really dangerous.

Have you heard the dark jokes that I've made so far? Okay, you'll respect them. Yeah, maybe. Well, we go to strip clubs when there's no other options. You know, you're in a city, you don't really know where to go. And the circle was open till three or four in the morning or whatever. And we go and the game is we have to try and get their real name. So we never pay for a dance and we just want a long conversation. Remember in Brighton, one of the girls told us their life story and bought us a pint. I know it was a bottle of Peroni. I remember it very, very well.

Actually that sounds like me. That actually sounds like I was so bad at being a stripper while being autistic because like I did not care that much to do the dances. But then when someone just wanted to chat, I was like, you're at love. I think men like that more though. Oh yeah. To be fair, it did actually get me dances, but it was on purpose. And then I would tell everyone my own. We don't like the robot ones. Look at me. Tits. Yeah. We liked the ones who were like, do you want a peppy? robot ones look at me tits. Yeah. We like the ones who are like, do you want a peppy?

Do they actually, Peter crouching it? Beep boop, beep boop. Look at me tits like. I'm a robot stripper. Always Geordie, beep boop. Look at me tits. I didn't want to give you my life story. Look at me minge.

That's worth a two pound tip any day. I can't wait for my dad to see this. What's my real name? You'll never know. I'm the robot stripper. We went to a stripper in Berlin. It's Cheryl. I was talking about football with the girl, and for ages, and then she went,

do you want to see me tits or not? And I went, no. And then she went and spat in Paul Smith's mouth. The Ajax team, 1995. Unbelievable talent. No, she asked me if I wanted to see me sit. She asked if I thought Theo Walcott. I know who he was.

Who? Yeah, and then she spat in Paul Smith's mouth and changed his whole kink forever. Now he likes Mummy kink. No he didn't, no she didn't. She did. Oh my God. Like Paul went for a dance and like,

she was like, open your mouth and she spat in his mouth and was like, now, slap that down for mummy. That's how the mummy bird feeds the chicks. And it changed his fucking kink forever. And then turned to Carla and went, but he was so fast on the wing, wasn't he Theo? Unbelievable. Run through puddles without making a splash.

Yeah. Now he's got like a mummy. She was Scottish, wasn't she? Glasgow region, yeah. That's amazing. She was lovely, we were chatting for ages and then she went, listen Anita, do you want to see me tits? he's got like a mum. She was Scottish wasn't she? Glasgow region. Yeah. That's amazing. She was lovely. We were chatting for ages and then she went, listen Anita, do you want to see me tits? And I was like, no, no, I don't. I just want to bevy and make fart noises with Calum Oakley. Stop it. We were watching the girls on the pole. Do you

like the main girl? Yeah. And every time she'd move me and Calum would go. It was, I've never ever laughed as much in my life. The man came over and went, stop, stop doing that because you know, the girls are getting offended. Some of the girls were juggling and then Joe, they go to the top and go all the way down. I'm just like, it was the best moment of my entire life. Yeah. I've never really understood the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the,

uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, sexy and stuff is class. If you're with someone and they want to do that, class. It's all fine. If you then get to fuck. But in the strip club it's like, hey, look at me pussy. You'd love this, wouldn't you? You'd love to fuck your cock in this, wouldn't you?

Hey, get out. Give me some money for this. Don't get it. Yeah, it doesn't do it for me. Oh, look at these tits. Don't touch them. Yeah, you'd love to touch them, wouldn't you? Yeah. 40 grand, please. Get the bar. Get the bar.

It's your hand. Yeah. Strippers are interesting places though. Yeah, they are. And they're so catty. Like they can be so catty. Next to all competing on the essentially. Yeah, completely.

Yeah, that's why I loved the customers where I just chat. And they would just like make the time go like faster. And then I had to get a couple of dancers from doing that. And then I'd fuck off home at like 5am. That was good. But yeah, the girls, so bitchy. How did you get this? I got you tits out did you? Tickle my big tits were you? Lucky. Proper Nepo baby. Bet your mom had big tits as well.

A nip-ho baby. Oh big tits are family are you? Oh, I can't wait for my dad to watch this. Really what's his name? I'll give him his pseudonym. He's called Mitch. Oh my fucking God. Right. It's called Mitch. I was, he's called Mitch. I was on, I was on green room, the podcast. You were?

Yeah. And basically the reason why my dad knew that I was on that podcast is because his friend, not his friend, his work colleague was speaking about me in the workplace or some whatever. And they were looking at like my profile on that because they saw the episode and this guy, Dave, he'd gone on the hot water episode. And it's on the actual episode if you want the full story. But he basically put two and two together because my dad said like, Oh, I know someone that does only fans. He was talking about me.

And then they were talking about it in the office. And then they were looking at my pictures and stuff. And then he was like, is this your daughter? You fucking knobba. Just sit on the information you knobba. And he was like, Mitch, can I call you over? He didn't out me. Obviously my dad knows that I do it and he loves me and everything.

But yeah, he saw me on the podcast and then like, so now my dad's like office, I've definitely seen my tits and obviously he works in that and he works in the crane industry. So it's like lads, lads, lads, wee. Yeah, but they're miles away from each other aren't they? He's in the cranes. No, no, he works in the office. Mitch! Who's Mitch? I can't see them. They're never allowed to eat these together.

He's like, how I feel about that? Very lonely on these cranes. Wish we had a canteen. What's happening? Mitch the Canadian driver. How are we lads? Hi Mitch. Respect.

Shall we have a break boys and girl? What's that Dan? Oh, it's the sound of one of the best male grooming products on the planet from Manscaped. It's the beard hedger. Wow. You've nailed that. That was great. What's this? That's of course the Lormo 5.0 Ultra.

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And here we are. We're in Mozambique Nord VPN dot com slash have a word. Go and watch Madagascar in Madagascar, but from the comfort of your nan's living room. Oh, my God. Yes. And we are back. Part four of four with Taylor Ryan. Taylor, I wasn't going to do room 102 with you today because I thought you might not want to do it, but you've brought some room 102s.

Absolutely. So fucking fire them into the sun. First of all, babies. Babies are absolutely in there. No, room 102 is really close to my heart because I don't like a lot of things and a lot of things really fucking irritate me. And if there was a place where it could go and never come back, wow.

We have the keys to that door. So you know, what would you like to put in? So it's not a physical thing. Okay. You can't see it, but it's, it's neurotypical small talk. So, um, neurotypical people hate them and small talk hate it. Like, like general small talk basically really sad. Thank you. Reasons for that is I would immediately like to know whether you've had any relatives die in the last like three months and you can't ask that typically can you? But I would just want to get down to the, I just want to know what's happening. Yeah. Yeah. I think what she's saying is, so it's not just that the nor typical stuff is boring, which is I eat all right. Yeah. How's your kids? That's just what she's saying. If I'm correct me if I'm wrong is

she wants people to start a conversation. You're right. Yeah. Good to see you. Anyone died recently. That's exactly how I want to open a conversation. I'd love that. Yeah, that makes me so much happier. Meet and talk, meet and talk. Hi, mate, you all right, yeah? Liverpool, over here, lovely. I'd rather go, what?

I'd rather start a conversation with what? Yeah. What? Exactly. And then he goes, he says- That's not small talk, that's just aggressive, isn't it? No, I wouldn't say it aggressively. I'd be like, hi, mate, what? You want somebody to say, hey, you all right?

Do you like plane crashes? Yes, oh, fuck it, yeah.'t say it aggressively. I'd be like, aye mate, what? You want somebody to say, hey, you all right? Do you like plane crashes? Yes, oh, fuck it, yeah. That's exactly it. She's fucking great, isn't she? That's so much better. This ball talk stinks. I hate it, I think it's so stupid. Do you want me to say, like, I was Portugal?

Or do you want me to pretend we don't know each other? Do you want me to start with, oh, you and Laura are okay? How's it getting on? Yeah, no, yeah. It feels familiar, you know? Totally, but that's because we have to talk. I already know everything you didn't do,

but if I didn't know you, wouldn't it be better if we started the conversation with A? Do you like getting pissed on? Exactly. That'd be strong. Doesn't have to be sexual, of course, but like, yeah. Because the answer's no, and you go, okay. Yeah, and then you move on,

and then you ask the next thing. It's like, what's your favorite natural disaster? Like, just something like that, just you get to know people. How's the weather? How's the weather where you, I don't care. It's probably raining. We're in the UK. Anyway.

So if you were in a bar, you're just having a drink, you know, you're just spinning your martini around. Yeah. You're wasing your olive around your glass. Love that. So you know, mind your own business. Lady of like. Like it was not stirred.

What? Right? And a fella thinks, do you thinks Joe, I like a bit of a class look, I'm going to go over and talk to it. You want him to come over and be like, what's happening girl? Who do you think did nine 11? That was work on me. Can you imagine? Yeah, that's well better. I love asking new people deep questions. What's happening, girl? It's the best. What do you think of Hitler? I'd be like, well, it was kind of hot. What's he? Apparently. Apparently? You haven't seen him.

It's the mustache. He was quite hot, Hitler. He got to get done. A hundred thousand have a word fans now just shaving this mustache in. Just walking around bars with facts about World War II. Invading Poland. There's a fact about world war two. All of our fans are invading Poland. I'm a big fan of this by the way. I'm going to start implementing this in my life when I meet people and see how I get on. That's how I do it. I'm not even joking.

Right. Do you know when someone will like say something that like makes everyone uncomfortable where it's like, Oh, like, no idea. idea. Like someone in a group setting would just be like, oh yeah, you know, oh, I don't have my mom anymore. Instead of everyone to be like, I'll be like, how'd she die? You need to be in a green room then you belong in the comedy world. Cause if he said that, I'd be like, yeah,

she got bumped to death. We'd be like, oh, that's sad, innit? Yeah, but that's not all green rooms though. That is just mainly this room actually. You gotta remember how much we've corrupted him. He's a very good yardstick and early on he didn't like any of that. You're like Harvey Dent. Just ruined you.

I like to ask new people what their passion is because I'd always get to go conversationals. Oh, that's a really good conversation. I remember doing that in a taxi and you asked that girl and she was like, what's your passion? What, what your passion about? And she was like, trans rights. I'll never forget. I was like, where was this in London after the show? There's a girl in the taxi. It was not after the comedy awards. Oh yeah. And she went in a trans right. I was like, anything else you like asking them what their favorite packet of Christmas? That's a good opener. What's your favourite packet of crispers?

Belton opener. Monster Bunch. What flavour? Oh mate, they burn your tongue. Unbelievable. And you know what, this is not sexual but I suck them and it burns my tongue but the flavour, phenomenal. The big bags are better as well. Oh every time. Than the small bags.

They always taste better. Look at this, see? Bosh. There is going to be someone who subscribes to your OnlyFans and listens to this podcast who is now going to pay you to suck a load of Monster Munch dry and send him the packet. Do you know what I'll do for that as well? I'll put my road mics on and I'll make it ASMR for them. I think I might buy these. Did you see did you see Turkey Teeth doing his ASMR? It's so good. Watch it on his Instagram. He's got his dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty,

dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, but not only- Hand what? Hand jobs. Hand jobs. Hand jobs with circumcised people, no. Hand dryers, the non-dyson ones. But do you know the ones where- The big old- Yeah, the big ones, the ones that, they are awful.

It's like- They're like white and then they've got the silver, the old school ones. They're just like the little, and it's like a 97 year old blowing out their birthday candles, it's like- Like a hotel hairdryer. Yeah. Like a hotel hairdryer. Yeah, like a hotel hairdryer. Like how are you supposed to, you're not drying your hands.

You're not drying your hands with that. What's the point? You wipe on your jeans, whoever knows you've washed your hands on the way out. Yeah, sometimes I pretend to wash my hands when I can't be bothered and I'll just like, there's no water on there. Oh, 100%.

You did it a garb. Yeah, I'm just soaking. Sometimes I don't wash my hands, hit the hand dryer on the way out to make it look like... Yeah. I'll even turn the tap on, hand dryer, leave. Nothing's happened. I've done nothing.

Why am I washing my hands? I didn't poo on them. Yeah, exactly. I probably... If you went for the... I suppose if you use toilet paper, you need to wash them because you've put your hands... Oh, it's a bit different after a shit. I'll say that.

Do you know, apparently, if you use a a hand dryer and I don't think this counts with the Dyson ones, which I think we both agree are great and worthy of our respect. You end up with something like triple the amount of bacteria on your hands. Yeah, because the way, oh. Because it's just flowing piss and shit from all around the bathroom all over your hands.

Yeah, I've heard this. Roughly and clean. Fact. Do you close the toilet seat when you flush it? Huh? Do you put the toilet lid down when you flush it? If I'm at home, no. Actually, no, I don't do it at all.

No, not at all. No. It basically just emits shit into the air, doesn't it? My bad. It makes like you're too- Full of poo. It doesn't flush it, it just throws it away. Yeah, if you don't like you're too push,

flush yourself just full of poo. So my poo particles are just everywhere. They're just like, eh. Like in the services in Gloucester closed the lid down flush. I've started doing it since I saw this video. If I touch the seat, then I'm like, right, I have to wash my hands now, but I don't want to wash my hands. So I'll just leave. I resent having to use handles anywhere near a public bathroom. What are we doing? The ones that go down to fucking, I want to be able to nudge should be like a saloon swing door for toilets.

Yeah. Saloon door. Don't want to have to touch the fucking. Why open up? Flyers are weird. I'm just right. The foot ones in America are good. Great.

The foot handles. Yeah, but they've not got foot handles for the doors, have they? They should have. They should. No, they have. Only have the big door going out. The door. Big door.

I'll give you that, I reckon. What was this one? The Dyson. The Dyson, the only one, the one where you have to, it's on both sides. You have to put your hands in and then out. And then you have to go, hey. Like a fucking.

Like a printer. Like a printer. I just, I feel like I don't want to, I really concentrate on that because I'm like, how much weird stuff is in here? I remember, I remember vividly using one of them for the first time as a kid and it blow in my mind. Like that was, that was because the power's so good on it. That was, that changed the game. Yeah. You were doing it wrong. Have you ever put one of their, have you ever put like, like you're in here a lot. Like have you used that one in that regard? I've never put my

cock in it. If I was a guy, I would want to try. I'd want to see. I don't have you put your cock in it. No. Have you ever had an erection with, with, do you ever had an erection with lube or the juice on the, on the penis and then you've got a fan in the room, not like a fucking only fan, like an actual, and you get the breeze of a fan on your erect penis. Tremendous. What do you mean? You never felt the blow of a fan on a warm summer's night and you've just made sweet, sweet love probably to yourself. Um, on a summer's night, I've just made sweet sweet love to yourself and on a summer's night I mean I have my tower fan on pretty permanently I don't even turn it off my mind is still on right now you know I'm having a little

fucking rowey time on my own I stick it in the breeze and yeah the breeze would be there but I've never really noticed it's a cracking. I can honestly get into it. It's cold. Good. It like ice. You're a little that's good. To be fair, a lot of the time I wank under the quilt. So what do you get extra sexy subterranean hiding from? No, no. No, no. No one can find me. I'm not making a den. That's not what I'm doing. I'm in bed and I'm just, you know what, even still, if you're by, no, why? It does not go on the covers.

No, cause just as I'm about to come up... LAUGHTER Surprise! I'm not even messing by the way. Why? Is that because like a... Come on, you stomach, and then you do the fucking... Like the crab walk to the bathroom and then you wipe it all off? LAUGHTER Like the fella walking to the dressing room.

Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh. Do the limbo all the way to the bathroom. That's mad. Yeah, that's madness under the duvet. Oh, sometimes you don't want to see the whole business, do you? Are you looking at your cock while you're wanking? No, I'm just checking. Hang on.

Oh, yeah. What if you have an imagination one? Don't do one. You know, I'm trying to stop watching porn, so it's just, I'm using my brain. I'm using a hand dryer. I reckon you can have that. Do you reckon we put it in? Nice.

I don't remember what it was. Yeah. I'm jobs, I think. Something about 9-11. Yeah, under the quill time, I didn't think that was that weird. It doesn't look it in the way. Yeah, but in a good way. Feels louty trying to hide it.

You never in a wangle, do you? Why would I? I mean, never in a wangle. I'm not autistic. Why would I? I have a system. I'm not particular. I don't shit in a blanket.

Because it's cold. Say that again. What were you about to say? I don't shit in a blanket either. That makes no sense. That is not it. Don't die on that hill with me. He's not with me. That's not the point I was making. You don't need to. It's just other people in the room then. That makes no sense. That is not it. Don't die on that hill with me. He's not with me.

That's not the point I was making. You don't need to. It's just other people in the room then probably, yeah. If they're dying either. What are you talking about? Other people? Who? Exactly. Can I just wank under the covers with other people in the room? The covers are moving. Sorry, Anzie-Lisa, I'm busy here, love. You don't want to see what's going on under here. I'm not doing anything. I'm just saying, I don't know why. I've never done it. I feel like I can get in the way. Yeah, I can't believe it. Can we do some Icks with you, Taylor? People have been sending Icks in. We talked about them in the first half. I feel like you'd be a good gauge on what is an Ick and what's a valid Ick and what's just people being whinging twats. Absolutely. Yeah, I have so many Icks.

Kate Langley says, Ick, I always get the Ick when my boyfriend pays with contactless, starts to walk away, but then has to hesitate and wait whilst the card machine approves his card. Oh yeah. Yeah. He's paying though, ain't he? Pull though. Yeah, but he might not be.

Give him a second. No, he's got the money. It's just that awkward thing to make sure. I'd put that in room 102 when it's a really slow card machine. Yeah. So this woman gets the ick because this building hasn't got their fucking car machines. You can't pay for me. You can't pay for me. Fast enough. I've got the ick.

Go on. Yeah. She needs to fuck off. And by the way, she agreed with it immediately. By the way, she was like, I get it. Yeah, but you know what? It's an ick to myself. It's an ick to myself. I think it's all just vulnerability, isn't it? It's like, oh, do it again, sorry.

Men not looking immediately competent in every single way. That's an ick. Yeah, that's what it is. What you want in that situation is for him to just get a wad of cash out. The exact amount that he owes. Have that instead. Fuck your machine.

Keep the change. I'm a man. Yeah, that's exactly it. I don't give people the ick. She was about to give the ick there. A wad of cash. It's your card the ick there. You're just paying for a kinder egg. Have a water cash. Keep the change. What are some of your other eggs? You said you've got loads. Oh right. Do you know when you go into a drive through and

you're like ordering your food, this McDonald's for example. And I've said this before and I'll say it again. I will fucking die on this hill. And then you're ordering and you're like, oh, I'll have a Big Mac, please and fries. And then the person's like, what was that, sorry. And then you've got to say it again. It's like, oh, I'll have a Big Mac, please and fries. Well, who are you getting the ick from here?

The person that's ordering. I don't think you understand what an ick is. An ick is like when your partner does something that makes them unattractive. why you're looking at all my Cos I mean like I'd love to fuck him In the car going oh, sorry, I said big Mac meal. Yeah, oh there I think the staff person no no when the staff person doesn't hear and then the person that's driving That's ordering has to say the order again. I'd change me order. I would change my order as well

I'll be like, Oh, I said, Oh, I'm saying that again. What rules that? Cause I get it. Oh, that's a big Mac please and fries. What did you say? Oh, it doesn't matter. I'm going to kill myself. Sorry. I'd one go. I changed the order. Okay. Yeah. So it's a getter. That's exactly it. Like, so if he's like, yeah, so he's just like, yeah, yeah, yeah, so Big Mac there. And then he's like, sorry, I said it. It was a large Big Mac meal. No, a large Big Mac meal. No, by then I'm just getting a McFlurry.

That's all I'm getting. That's just giving me butterflies. I feel sick. That's so horrible. One of the man goes, I can have a Dairy McFlurry. I machines off. Oh.

And that's all you went for. That's all I wanted. All right then. And then you've got to wait in the queue anyway. Oh. Oh, that's all you went for. All right then. And then they've got to wait in the queue anyway. Oh my God, that happened to me. Oh, waiting in the queue and they haven't got what you want. Yeah. By the way, I went to the Mackie's in Egbert a couple of weeks ago

and I drove in, right? I drove in, no, there was a queue in it. I couldn't drive off. And I got all I wanted was a Fanta. You don't just have a fucking like craving. I was like, excuse me. But I was trying to like sort of, trying not to be as much of a faclent.

So I drove to the thing and I went, excuse me, love. Is your Fanta, Fanta Zero? And she goes, I'll just go and double check, but I think so, I'll just go and double check. She went away. She was away for about four minutes, which is an eternity when you just sat there waiting for someone.

And she come back and she was like, yeah, our Fanta is Fanta Zero. And I went, can I have a large Fanta Zero please? And she went, we've got no Fanta. That's a power play by her. She's probably stood there in a fold. Just sat in the queue. I just waited about 10, 15 minutes and I got nothing.

Yeah, that stinks. You feel like a man when you're going to wait there and there's nothing coming. Aaron says, I was don't feel like a man when you're gonna wait there and it's not uncommon. Aaron says, I was once speaking to a girl who was learning how to drive. When I asked her how it was going, she said she'd failed a theory test eight times and had just scheduled to do a ninth attempt

and did the flirting soon after that. It gave me the ick. I agree. You failed. I think after, you know what? Fucking four times maximum. And even four is a lot of times. You can drive. Yeah.

And you can drive. We can all drive. You can all drive. I passed me 30 tests on me first go actually. Same. Practical third. Because on the second one, she was too intimidated by me. So yeah, sure.

Sure. The cusp. If you're on the cusp. I feel like if you fail your practical three times, you can't drive. Yeah. 10 years. You have to wait 10 years. I think failing your theories has eight times in a row. I think you need testing for special needs. Monday night. Also agree. Maggie slaughter says I've got a Maggie slaughter. That is an only fans. I've got a Maggie Slaughter. That's definitely a fake name.

That is an OnlyFans. I've got an ick for you. Men wearing nothing but a dressing gown. The naked hairy ankle showing at the bottom genuinely knocks me sick, especially when paired with slippers. And do not even get me started on pajamas. Don't come to my house then mate.

Naked hairy ankles. Who's got hairy ankles, but not legs? Like who's got noticeably hairier ankles than they have legs? Let me explain this. Let me explain this. There is nothing more icky than a man putting on a dressing gown and he's there and he's like... We can't do anything. I've got three dressing gowns and us. Yeah, but then you've got to...

And then you've got to tie it up. What the fuck? What about a gi? Put a jumper on. Put a jumper on? What do you mean, put a jumper on? Put a jumper on. And nothing else?

No, I mean, that's a bit... Going for the spa day, put your jumper on. Canassius's jumper, please, sir. It's the tying up part, like, what the fuck? I'm in bed like... Sexy? That's fucking Bruce Lee, mate. No, what's sexy is the one hand taking it off.

The tight, the. I'm in bed watching telly, the door goes, I'll just put my three piece suit on to the door mate. I don't think it is sexy with a man. I think I'm arguing for the sake of it. But women doing that is sexy. That like, with a woman. Yeah.

Yeah, when a woman does, yeah. Here's a question then. Is it fine if you don't see them put it on? Or are you imagining them putting it on? I'm imagining them putting it on right now. Hang on, you would have said you have them. It's never that hard of them. Totally war.

That's where this comes from. That's where my issue is. So what do you want a man to wear? Just lounging? Yeah, they're just like joggers and like a jumper. If I go for a spa day, what am I meant to wear? You can wear a robe then. Right.

What about this in the changing room? Oh my God, I can't think about it. That's mad, we can't do anything. Last one, Olivia says, "'Ick for you boys. "'I once took my ex-boyfriend to a Derby County game "'with my dad and my boyfriend at the time "'tried to start a Mexican wave.

"'That's what he thought you did at football games. My dad still never lets me live it down. No. Olivia. Come on. Is that my way of mine? No, that's really horrid. Oh no. Everyone's life in a situation. Can I just be like a friend, being at the match with your mate and he tries to get a song going and like the cop just rejects it. Do you love that when you hear someone

a couple of rows back and not get one going? I do like, I do get like a kind of like. Do you know one of my favorite things in the world is at the game, right? Is the last voice, the one or two people who try and do an extra verse. And no one's doing it. So like, like you'll do like whatever song, like a la la la and you'd go, and then like three people.

It's so gross. I go to rugby games and the ugly people are weak. Enough of that. It's so gross. I go to rugby games and the oggy, oggy, oggy when no one else goes, oh, oh, oh, I literally, I'm just like, do you know what's a rugby? Yeah.

Oh, being into rugby, massive, that should be in it. Yeah. Who do you go watch? Who's your team? Bristol? No, excellent Chiefs. All right. OK. The men who go to rugby wear your jeans and shoes. They definitely do. Yeah. No, rugby's... Who do you go watch? Who's your team? Bristol? No, Ex of Chiefs.

Oh, right, okay. The men who go to rugby wear your jeans and shoes? They definitely do. Yeah. They absolutely do. And you think that's okay? No. Can you imagine everyone's a matching them?

So what, Carl? I'm not even joking. They do. Men who go... Just let me get this right. Men who go to watch rugby union... Wear jeans and shoes, wear cowboy, white and black cowboy boots. And Taylor, many wear go to rugby, wear jeans and shoes.

Don't they? A lot of men, you're wearing jeans and shoes. I'm not. Yes you are. I'm not wearing jeans and trainees. No, no, no, no, no, no. You know what he means by shoes? He means shoe shoes. Yeah, like you've got the leather. They're from Clarks. They're from Clarks. I brogues. Oh, we've got a language barrier. Anyway, I brogues with jeans. Go in the rugby.

Yeah. Put my pointy shoes on. They do that. They do that. I've actually always said. I thought you meant cowboy boots and ripped jeans at the knee. I was like, I don't know if there's a lot of people going. What I've just done is, that's their Instagram captions.

Same with the boys. Going to rugby, got my pointy shoes on. Turkish. Up your Bs. Hello mate. Hello rugby mate. Got my leather shoes on mate. Come on, type in jeans and shoes, but it's S-H-E-U-X.

That's how you spell it. Shoes. I'm imagining, do you know the picture of like the England squad 20 years ago with all them jeans and shoes. Bastards. Yeah. Let's do some advice.

They look like Paul Scholes. Or the one with Alan Smith, Man United when they were going. Bootlegs and pods, mate. Yes. Ah, horrible. Come the match, everyone's got trackies on and hate each other but it's well better. I fucking love Rodby.

Little bit of advice and then we'll get you out of here. This is specifically, I think, for you really. Anonymous Lady asks, hi Lids, need some urgent advice. Me and my boyfriend are pretty sexually liberal and kinky. I open with each other about watching porn. The other day he was at work and my laptop was knackered, so I used his when he was out. I opened it up and the first sight I saw was one of those webcam live streams

where the girl fingers herself whilst people put messages in the chat. Except this one wasn't just fingering. It was two girls touching each other and occasionally licking each other less than shaving armpits. Oh, his armpit licking. Whilst men were sending horny messages. I was honestly so shocked, both at the mad fetish shit he was watching,

but mainly at the fact- Mad fetish shit. He was leaving pervy comments- You are the fucking- So boring. For girls on webcam streams. Feels way more like cheating than just porn, but am I overreacting? It's a pop-up.

How do... Can I just fucking finish? How do I even confront him about this? Thanks, Lids. Please keep me anonymous. You don't. You just lick his arm. Jocelyn Garrett.

He's a freak. He's watching women lick each other. What a lunatic. Also webcam will all just pop up, won't he? Was he chatting? Is that what it's saying? Was he in the chat box? Yeah, was he writing the messages or was there just the webcam? Because like live webcam or free thing is different to him,

like actually writing the messages in there. But licking armpits are so like menial. That's so like, it's so boring. Like that's so normal. That's not like a weird fetish. You say you're open about fetishes and you're weirded out by licking armpits. I think it's more the fact that it's a real person that he's, he's messaging. Like there's a person, there's a, like if he's messaging, if you're watching porn and it's been recorded fucking years ago. I mean, yeah, if you leave comments on a porn video, you need to sort

yourself out. But there's no way you've never left a comment on a porn video. I haven't, swear to God. You go to the comments to find the woman's name and move on. I swear to God. You've got a porn Twitter. I'm like, this is fire. You know your porn Twitter? Yeah.

Which you still got, haven't you? Yeah. Is your profile picture on it, like taken from below like this? Yeah, I've got my profile picture on it because I want to make sure everyone knows it's me. Cause then how will the ladies know whether they want to put down and six, seven, four, five, three, two, one. So true. Look lovely today, babe. I'd love to shag you today. Hang on. I've got a reply. This is getting a retreat. So if he is messaging, yeah, then I would say the conversation that is what is it that you're, cause if they're, if they're sexually liberal and open, the

conversation should be somewhat easy in understanding. Is it like what turns him on by that figuring out where she can be part of that and where she can like fit into it. Um, and then if he's not messaging and he's just watching the stuff, it's not that weird. How can I be part of this babe? Like go in the other room and get on zoom. Finger yourself and I'm going to send you a message. Yeah. And can I have a diet coke from the fridge? Yeah. Webcoms, it's just the same as Paul, but it's happening right now, I suppose. A problem seems to be that it's a kink as well, because she's like this ridiculous fetish armpit looking. Is there anything Serega could be into where you'd be like, that is disgusting. I'm not getting involved. She was into it. Yeah. If you found out she was watching like porn,

which I imagine she does, right? Is there anything you can find out she's watching? Cause I think for me, I draw the line at poo, like poo, we getting bombed me. Like just sex. I joined the line. It's sex. No, like I don't want to get bombed and I don't want anyone to pay on me. Please. It would not do well in the Arab countries. I don't live there. It's fine. No, he wouldn't, but for different reasons. Weird times bring that up. Actually. I just don't want after the bad sex and the joy to have to clean poo off the bed. Yeah, but like you can get poo from, you can get accidental poo from Bowman. That's not a problem. But you were going to tell us where you can get poop from. I thought that as well. Get poop from the shop. That's going to be your poop. Put it back in the bag.

You know sometimes you bump someone in they poo. It can happen. It can. Correct. And that's not like poo play. That's just accidental shit in the bed. I just don't think I could watch the woman I love do a poo on me. No.

I agree with that. Yeah. Especially what if it's a bad poo? Cause sometimes you don't know whether it's going to be a good poo or a bad poo. I think a bad poo would be better. You could wipe it up a big solid log. You just pick it up with a dog poo bag. You're not on your own here by the way, Carl. You're like, you're like, you know what? Oh, you come so mad. I don't like shit on me in me. Yeah. When it comes to your partner watching something though, that is a weird thing in it. Cause it's getting bombed. When it comes to your partner watching something though,

that is a weird thing in it, cause it's sort of private. It's like their kink. Like no one should be able to fuck with what's in your head. You should be able to, as long as you're not acting on it, like if you've got fantasies and you're in your little wanky time,

I feel like I'm defending myself here. But I'm allowed to think what I want. I'm not cheating. You can't cheat in your mind. No, I don't think you can cheat in your mind. That's not what I'm allowed to think what I want. I'm not cheating. You can't cheat in your mind. No, I don't think you can cheat in your mind. That's not what I'm saying though. But like, I don't think it should be private really. You should be able to tell your partner,

hey, I'm into fucking, you know. Oh, my, VAR. Laura does not need to see the genre searches. She's sound with me watching porn. She don't need to know. Would you tell her if she asked? Hey. Hey.

Ooh. Oh. Is there anything like you could find out that like if you had a boyfriend like that he was into that you'd be like, oh, I can't. Well, you're watching that. No. It would, oh, like degrading.

Like I- And getting degraded. No, no, no. Women getting badly degraded. I couldn't be part of that. I hate it. Like if someone's like, you fucking slut. I'm like, no, no. Women getting badly degraded. I couldn't be part of that. I hate it. Like if someone's like you fucking slut, I'm like, no, no. I get really like sassy. Like don't, don't speak to that. So I don't like, I don't like bad degrading. Okay. So no deity talk. Yeah. Dirty talk, but not in a bad way. Not in a bad way. You're

a slut, but you're lovely. Yeah. but I love you. You love my cock don't you? You really well paid woman. Your dirty talk is very gaslight innit? You're a slut, no you're not. You're fucking great you dirty bitch. You're all over the shop. I bet you've got the same mick as my partner so she said the reason she'd never peg me is because it's not the actual Pagan B. It's if I ever look back... LAUGHTER You're like... LAUGHTER She said if...

Oh, I can picture that! I didn't mean to do that! She said if she ever saw that... I didn't mean to have that! She said have I ever seen a look back... A little pale back with your twist tips on the top? She said she'd have to end it. What would be the reason to look back just to be like, you're right? Sometimes when you're going with a girl from behind they have a little look back, don't

they? Go on, crack and job like, keep on. You get a lot of feedback, dude. Hurry up, the Deliveroo guy's nearly here. Crack on. No, I actually couldn't, I could not. The man that I love, I could not watch him bend over. Honestly, it's when guys like eat girls out

while the girl was in Doggie, and they're also like there with their bum up in the air. Can you imagine? Human caterpillar? Yeah, no, but it's so icky. Like a guy having his like naked ass up in the air. Just a big line of people bending over and eating, isn't it? Centipede!

The kids were thinking of the hungry, hungry caterpillar! And next on BBC. And on Tuesday, he ate a strawberry. And on Wednesday, he ate a whole fucking asshole. Oh, that is so funny. That is a clip, by the way. That needs to be a clip. She said she just has to end it. Cos that can't be more vulnerable than getting fucked. I don't think I'm going to talk to you again after this.

It's just because I'll never get that on my own. Yeah, I can't let you do that. But like, have you never had like a bit of sort of positive reinforcement? Girls do look back, don't they? Grab the rein, you have to. What? A lot of them love that. Grab the rein, they go, you alright?

No, you grab the rein, they're looking at you like that. Oh, if I grab Laura's there, she starts moving to the left. And then we're late. Some other horse play we do. People say you shouldn't ride your wife around the village, but you live in the countryside. This has never, never happened in your life. No girl cracking joke. Go on, lad. Go ahead. Look at him. That's an episode. Have we got a song that isn't going to be able to follow

that? Yeah. Do you want to just plug your socials and stuff and let everyone know where they can find you? Yeah. She can follow me on all socials at underscore life of Taylor and anything else. Then just click the link in bio. It's good. Good socials by the way. When we did the Dan day, you followed me and then I checked out your socials and decided for the sake of my marriage, I wasn't following you about. So I'll say about your socials. My gig's still on sale. The link's in the bio or in my social medias. This week's song is from a band we've played before called the Montagues.

I know them. They're great. This is their new tune called Gravitate. Sounds good. You're going to do it Adam? We're the Montagues. This is our latest single. It's not our debut.

We've been around for a while. This is Gravitate. Go ahead. Go ahead. Good singing boys. Keep pegging me. It seems Butterflies in effect dancing around what it said it could have been Second guess again I'm pretty good at that Playing myself once more Going back and forth, my mind is under attack Let life control you Or have you feeling down

My mind's in a mess, life's a failure I need to find a way out So hold on No, don't give up, babe Cause I know it's, I know it's hard Going back to the start So don't hesitate Your feet are on the edge

Life will gravitate To who you are meant to be No, don't be afraid, cause I'm by your side You will be okay, when life falls into place Please So don't hesitate, your feet are on the edge Life will gravitate, to who you were meant to be No, don't be afraid Cause I'll be by your side You will be okay And I don't know, I don't know why Cause I don't know, I don't know why

I don't know, I don't know why I don't know, I don't know why I don't know, I don't know why I don't know, I don't know why I don't know, I don't know why I don't know, I don't know why I don't know, I don't know why Why Bye!