Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #296 with Kai Humphries - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: September 29, 2024

Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan Nightingale & Fiends Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.ukComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comFinn's Liverpool Gig: skiddle.com/e/39298815As Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Support our cycle across India for Zoe's Place:https://cycle4zoes.enthuse.com/pf/finnlay-kulavuzGet subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsCheck out Finn's music: https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Tickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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They're basically a movie every single month. Patreon.com slash have a weird pod. Enjoy the episode. It's a belter. Wag wag lids, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game from the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn, this is the one and only Have Our Word. Brought to you by Manscape, the very best products on the market for below the waist grooming.

Go Ed, get on me. Hello! Hello, how are you? Are you okay? Right, yeah I'm good. Have you just noticed? What? Hello! Hello, how are you? You okay? Right, yeah I'm good. Hello! Hello! You're away from your coma! This is a nice gilet. No it's not, you don't like it. But I feel cold. I don't mind it. I don't mind it. That's alright, it's not for you. I am a Gillet man now. Oh!

I got a really light grey one to go to Australia. It's a Gillet isn't it? Gillet. Gillet? And Australian Gillet. No, I got it from a Reese in Lefebvre one. Nice. To go to Australia in.

What was the thinking there? Oh, it's winter in Australia, isn't it? Sort of. Not really. It starts, it's like spring. Is it? Okay. What to think and what is that? I wanted to look stylish on the plane. Welcome to my world. And I took inspiration from you.

Did you wear your tracky bottoms on the plane? Yeah. Have you ever tried denim? Not on a plane. Well I wore denim on a plane yesterday. What? To Belfast. And someone messaged me and was like, what are you, jeans on a plane, lad? Bit of a hypocrite, aren't ya?

It's a 25 minute flight. It's like getting a bus in jeans. What are you doing? In a taxi in jeans? You went to Belfast? Went to Belfast. Are you allowed to say why? Yeah, I think I was allowed to say why the other day

because they tagged me on Instagram. Sorry, I just didn Belfast. You're allowed to say why? Yeah, I think I was allowed to say why the other day because they tagged me in an Instagram story. I just didn't share it. I opened for Aunt Jesselnick. And I mean, by the time this even goes out on Patreon, I imagine there'll be a photograph somewhere because I'm doing London and Manchester with them. How's Jesselnick? Dead sound, you know, like just dead sound.

And I just watched them. I only got to watch the first 10 minutes of the show last night, cause there was a fucking flight back. By the way, being able to fly back from what is technically a different country to Liverpool, like three hours later than you would be able to get back from our capital city, London is not right, is it? Like I should be able to get back from London

as late as I can get back from Belfast on a plane like 11 p.m. so I did me said he had another opener Kelly Ryan it was fucking brilliant and then she brought him up and I had to leave at like quarter past nine to get to Belfast City Airport for just after Belfast International Airport for just after 10, flight home at 11. But because everyone was on the plane, they just took off at 20 to 11. They were like, that's everyone on, there's about 20 people on the plane.

So like we, the captain come over and he's like, you know, technically we're supposed to wait and see if anyone buys the last minute tickets, but I don't see that happening. So as soon as we get a little wave from the gate people here, we're just gonna, we're just gonna to, we're just going to take off. You're living a mad life, aren't you? If it's fucking half past 10 at night and you're in Northern Ireland and go,

let's just go to Liverpool in half an hour. I think he had to wait for the time when it says on board and passes like gate closes. So gate, you know, normally it says like gate closes at 20 to your flight time, but that's actually just before it opens really It closed at 20 to 11 and we took off like three minutes later And so I was meant to take off from Belfast at 11 o'clock and we landed in Liverpool John Lennon Airport Of course past 11. So it was a so sick. Oh, it's class when we went away for a world stag Everyone was on the plane. It was really noticeable.

You know when you're like, you're just, everyone got on, there was just, and the pilot came on and went, thanks for getting on board so swiftly. We'll get off then. Like, nice one. Why can't we all do that? Just a really grown up flight. And then you look back and you're like, we were the youngest people on the flight by a stretch.

It was a older demographic going to Porto, but they're all just ready to go. And then they, yeah, takes off on time. Flying from Ireland coupled with landing in Liverpool is, it doesn't get better. Because you can take off and then an hour later and you're couch. Yeah, it was a very efficient trip. I flew out at 3pm, quarter past three, and was home by quarter past 11. Beautiful. And Liverpool Airport know what they're doing, don't they? With the old Dublin flights.

Hey, you're coming from a different country, but they're all cousins. You don't need to check passports. I didn't show anybody my ID at any point yesterday. What? I didn't show my ID. Well, you don't need a passport. But it's mad you don't check.

They should be checking IDs, shouldn't they, for a flight Where? Wow. Cause on getting on the plane, all they do is check your boarding pass and going to security at all. Just scan yourself and fuck off now in a super. Um, I got on a plane with no bag. I just went like in me clothes with a phone charger in your pocket. I don't think I could leave for an airplane without a bag. Some is wrong. No, I don't have a bag. An empty bag. Just someone knew I had a bag. I came back for the moment. Cause I bought some underwear in a well in Belfast. Well, I've I've let my washing on tour. I don't have any underwear. The Romanians retired. I cannot do it anymore. I'm going to blow a laundry. I thought when I go in, not on purpose, but I have got 140,000 pairs of underwear that need washing right now. It's pathetic. I, I, yesterday, the

else is up the wall cause we get, we're getting worked on again. Yesterday I had all white and I mean all white from the band to the pant, all white Calvin Klein's on. You fucking, you absolute edge lord, are you mad? Do you know why? Because they were the literally the only pair of undies in me drawer. So they've been sat there.

Cause I reckon what's happened with them is, right? I've got, you know one of those multi-pack someone's bought me and there's like one white pair in them. Black white, right? And I've gone, nah, never. But they're in me drawer, aren't they? Oh, you have to be a confident IBS sufferer to whip those bad boys on. Nobody can wear white underwear. I can't.

You could scrub your arse with a fucking cart and you're hitting skins in them. Women do though. Women get skins in them. Women wear white underwear. Women are famous for wearing redibles fink to control though. It's you know and they're lucky. Lucky. Fuck me mate. White. A G string? Oh I put a lot. Like I got on a plane in white underwear. Well it was either that car or have me cock out. And which one would you do? Me. I go commando more than you will ever know. What? Genuinely. on right now. No. Okay. But it's

one of me last F and F pairs. Right. You down to the Sainsbury's. Oh, Tesco Tesco. What's Sainsbury's George's as the, yeah, but I'm down to the bottom of the barrel. But I go commando three out of the seven days of the week to to, T.U. Sereka didn't know that either. Well, I can't do that. I'd be worried about my cock rubber on my jeans. No, I don't wear jeans. That's wild. Well, then I needed underwear and they were just there

and they were looking at me like, pick me boss. Put me in, I'm ready to go. I'm spotless, it's never been worn. You can sit all over me boss. And I literally, I put them on and by landing in Belfast and I was like, right, I'll go and get some dinner. So I took myself a bite to eat and then I was like, what am I going to do tomorrow? Were these full of shite by the way? I've got to be honest with you. I took them off this morning and I couldn't even like bear the thought of checking because I was like straight nose. Like I don't think so. I don't even like bear the thought of checking. I was like straight nose.

Like I don't think so. I don't remember like having a particularly sticky one, but I'm just not looking. I'm gonna mean the front and everything. So, uh, yeah. Uh, so I had a bad coming back, but I only got to watch the first 10 minutes of Jess on it, but he is so got what he does down to an absolute like a mastery of it, like jokes that are, you know, lean towards the offensive. And then as the show goes on, blow right through that wall and upset as many people as he possibly wants to with a rhythm and a timing that doesn't always feel like jokes.

Like there's some people that do those bits and they're like, oh, it's just a bit. It's a weird one with Jess and Nick because there's such control. Like it's so unlike my standup. It's like masterful. Apparently he was doing a taping of something and the guy was, he was like, where do I need to, like they

were doing, you know, when they record a special and there was like three in a row and on the third one he was like, Oh, wait, do I just for the cuts in and everything, just let me know where I need to be or if I'm getting anything wrong. And the guy who was basically like directing, it was like, you've been at the exact same point twice, perfectly. He's got this amazing like, and then he takes two steps right and it's just the way he talks, the way he delivers stuff is so controlled. Just those pauses that if you do them badly, I think makes stand up painful when someone doesn't know what they're doing. I find it really cringey and forced and then a guy like Jessalynick's a master of it.

I love watching him. He's so unlike me, but he's brilliant. He was just so good, but he was so sad. Like, there's two dressing rooms and they give obviously like, and they're both quite big. So they put me in one and Anthony and his other, like the girl who's traveling the world with him, Kelly, like any other one. And they like, do you know, like you haven't. And they're like, do you know like, you haven't done any American tour sports, have you? No. So the local show managers are always like,

oh, we've got to make sure that the artist is okay. Like let's protect them from every possible, like they're so nervous around them and I don't really know why. Like before I did the Bill Bear one years ago, like I was told, you know, he's got a tour manager called Kenny and you just need to be like really respectful

and careful and I was like, right. And then I got talking to them and they were like dead sound and Kenny texted me a week after the gigs. I was like, you're being paid. Let me know if you need any help getting paid. Cause I'll sort that out immediately. Just like the sound as fella. And the opposite of what they're billing them as.

So like the, like she was great as well. She was really lovely, but she's just like this bag of nerves with the big international clients. She was like, Adam, I need to take you down to your dressing room. And auntie just goes, I mean, you can just come and hang out with us if you want. Like, I'll be sitting in there on your own,

come and talk to us. And they would have like lunch that they, you know, got delivered in. And he's just sat eating it, just talking to me and just being dead sound. It's just a bit like... Every big show I do, like, you know, you mentioned this a couple of months ago, I've started noticing these gigs coming in in the last year. Now I'm not on tour.

Like, I've done the fiend shows, but that's not quite the same. I'm getting these profile gigs where the money's noticeable and you're in a bigger theater and there's like three other comics and they always give you your own dressing room. Like, and this is you and this is you and that's you. And you're like, but that's not how comics want to be because we all started on the circuit and that little bit of camaraderie makes it more human. Like you don't want to sit in a fucking dressing room on your own, but the people running it like,

that's what they want because they're the stars of the show. Comics just wanna sit and chat shit a bit. Class. Yeah, I'm gonna do the Hammersmith Apollo with them on Thursday and the Manchester Apollo on Friday. I'm very excited, both unbelievable rooms. Who do you want of all these American comics?

If I said, right, next year there's some big comics coming over and you can have three, so I know you're doing fucking bits, but like, if you could support three acts that were coming to the UK from America, which would be the one that you want? I don't want to sound like a dick, but I don't know whether there's any left.

I don't think there's three left. He's done Gillis, he's done. I've done, like I've opened four, like my sort of like resume of American comics that I've got to work with now. Like on that scale, I'm not just gonna- Schultz. Schultz, Gillis, Bilbaer, Chappelle.

Theo Von. Theo Von. We're down to Segura. Jess O'Nuch. Yeah, Segura. Would you take the Louis one now or is it a Poison Chalice? It'd be sick though, wouldn't it? The Louis thing, I don't even know whether it's worth us getting too into this on the pod because it's so weird how his career has gone since that.

Because in America amongst the comedy industry, certainly as an outsider looking in now, it appears like it's all just like penance paid crack on. And like all the comics, we've always loved them and respected them as like, you know, one of the best to ever do it. I've now gone, yeah, yeah, he's gonna continue to work. Like he's probably not gonna have another show on FX,

but like, there's no one, you know, chanting to get his shows canceled when he's playing Madison Square Garden or releasing specials. And also no one controls their own content like Louis. No. He's incredible how he, he has a huge mailing list that he's been building up for fucking 20 odd years and he sells,

he sells his own specials now. I mean, he does have them on like platforms and everything, but he's done such a good job of owning his own shit and like getting it out to his fans. There's also, there's female comics in America who now open for Louis and you know, there's Sarah Silverman when it all came out was like, Louis wanked in front of me, like, like, but he asked.

And when I said, no, he didn't do it. Like he's literally said to Sarah Silverman, can I do this? And sometimes I'd be like, yeah, go on. And then other times I'd be like, no, I'm gonna move, fuck off. And he just didn't. So-

I'd want my own dressing room. Just to let you know. Like, but over here, I've got female friends who are comics who are like disgusted by the idea of them. And like, it'd be an interesting one. I'd, I'd love to, you know, work with them on a. It'd be easy in America. No, no, it's not even that.

Like, cause I think anyway, you know, if, if you're going to upset like a friend and colleague of yours by working with someone they've got, you know, legitimate claims, because you've got to remember there's going to be women who you're friends with in this industry who have been sort of like, you know, had someone in a position of power, put like, you know, them in a certain position and then threatened to ruin their career if they tell anyone about it.

And they'll be like, that'll be so triggering. You might not even know about it. You'd never know about it. So, you know, there's considerations to be made, but yeah you might not even know about it. You'd never know about it. So you know, there's considerations to be made, but yeah, no, I'd do it. John Mulaney had love too. Yeah. John, John Mulaney is probably to, to be actual honest, like he's probably number one or two with Segora and yeah. Bo Burnham, if he ever tours again, I don't think I'd be right to open. I'd love to go and see Bob Burnham live. ever tours again. I don't think I'd be right to open for Bo Burnham. I'd love to go and see Bo Burnham live, oh my God.

Fucking hell, please start again. I tell you what, you should both watch Leo Reich. I know I mentioned them last week. Cause I've watched them again since. It's on like Now TV and Sky. It's a HBO special, so Sky get it over here. And it's called Literally Who Cares. And you know, it's a bit of, so Sky get it over here. And it's called Literally Who Cares. And you know, it's a bit of a sort of coming of age standup special about a young gay lad,

although he claims to identify as bisexual in the special, but I, I'll let you watch it and see whether you think he's just joking there. I don't want to speak for him because I don't know Leo at all. He is so clearly influenced by Bo Burnham and not just in, there's like three, four or five musical pieces throughout the hour and they're very short. And then they scream Bo Burnham to me, but it's his little inflections as he's doing the actual standup.

And maybe like on lunch I'll put it on and then you can watch a bit of it because it is as funny an hour of stand up as I've watched in a long time. So I watched- What's he called, sorry? He's called Leo Wright. Yeah.

R-E-I-C-H. And the special is called Literally Who Cares. I watched it on the plane back from Australia. And then the other night, me and Alfie went out for a pint after his Chester show. And when we got, no, a pint after his Chester show. And when we got, no, the night before the Chester show, sorry, and he stayed in ours because they've got the house.

By the way, Alfie, and we've booked Alfie back in, by the way, so you can stop asking when he's coming on, he'll be on in a few weeks. We were in the pub, me, Alfie and Jack, we went for a bite to eat, and had a little tour, reunion, and a couple of pints. And I was like, so what have you bought for the house today? Because that's what he was in Liverpool for. And he was like, bought a mattress, topper, a kettle, tea bags, a couple of mugs, you know. So basically I can have a

cup of tea and have someone round and, you know, we've got a chair there already. So, and I went, have you got a bed? And he's like, oh, that arrives tomorrow. And I was like, so what are you doing tonight? He's like, I'm just going to sleep on the floor. I was like, what are you talking about staying hours? He was like, no, the mattress is getting delivered at 10 a.m. So I've got to be in for that. And I was like, I'll be up before that and I'll drive you home.

You've got a spare bed. It's around the corner. So when we got... When are they planning to move, like they're moving to Liverpool. When is that actually? When they get their kids into a school, they're happy their kids are going in.

Oh, okay. It's either gonna be January for the last term of the year, or it's gonna be next summer for the new school year. Right, okay. But when we got back to mine, we'd had four or five pints, and neither of us were ready for bed. So I was like, let's just watch 15 minutes of Leo's special.

And we both watched the whole thing. And when we got to the end, he was like, that's really good, isn't it? I was like, you can say it's really good. I think it's genuinely brilliant because I think if we'd put on a Bill Baer special, we might be sitting here and admiring it more, but we wouldn't have laughed

as much as we've just laughed at that. Oh, totally. The first time you watch something is a weird one, isn't it, where by the time you love someone, by the time you've been following them for a year and a half or you've talked about them on the podcast or you've watched, the same as a punter who comes to see us live,

they're already going, I fucking love these from the pod and they're into it from the first minute. That first raw dog watch, if you're getting big laughs on that watch, that counts for a lot, doesn't it? Yeah. That you've never really bought into the person. It's, uh, it's so good. And speaking of predators, you shouldn't be allowed to make a comeback. Have you seen Phillip Schofield back on telling next week? He is on an island for 10 days. Have you seen it? Peter Island. No, it's not a Peter Island. They've made it. Yeah, pretty much.

Right, so they're calling a castaway. Right. And they've put Phillips Gofield on an island on his own with no crew, just a few cameras to record themselves. And they're just fucked off. And they've gone, right, fend for yourself for a bit and just talk about like what you've been through. They've groomed a kid.

They're giving him a chance to like explain himself. But why? What's he got on like TV bosses? Cause he must have Sutton, because there's no way he should be allowed to make this comeback. It's where the people are allowed. But you've got to think people are gonna watch it.

And it's not ITV anymore. It's clever to book a minute. You're going to want to watch it. It's all it's massive news. I just think it's fucking disgusting. Yeah, but the media in this country is disgusting on the main, isn't it? Really, to be honest. I can't. I think it's hilarious. I think the absolute brazen nature of it.

It's a pedophile land. Yeah, he's literally got cancelled for grooming a kid. And like, because of that call the paedophile Which obviously isn't actually a paedophile But that is just what we call people who do anything that is anything remote and then done the thing you just said with Lewis Okay Threaten people and kept it used his position of power to threaten anyone that worked at the TV studio or on Good morning, Britain to make sure no one was saying anything

And so I'm fine. Channel five, right. Epstein had an island. How much can we push this? Let's put him on an island on his own. No kids, right? No kids. That's I'm going to insist on that, actually. We are going to do it on the island. Before we go, before we go, we're just going to scour the island again for kids,

because this is all we're already taking a risk here at Channel five. No, they should put three kids and go,. Because this is all, we're already taking a risk here at channel five. That would be awful. Put three kids and go, ah, this is the one thing we didn't want to happen. It's just kids on the island everywhere. It would actually be like really funny, right? If they didn't tell Phillips Goffield

that there was like snipers in the trees, right? And they're just like, no, you're on your own. But then they do just release like five teenage boys and they see how long it is before he tries to fuck one of them and the second he does, they just shoot him in the end. I've watched that. I've watched that. The Hunger Games buff him.

That kind of person. The Horner Games. I feel like his agent might have something to say about that. Just contractually. Don't tell his agents. Don't tell his agents as well. Oh, there you go. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Clever. I think the teenage boys. My client didn't consent to this. Well, look how the turntables have turned. He's dead now so who's that? I think the teenage boys would batter him. I think that's how that would go. I'd probably love that. The big fucking nuns. It'd be Lord of the Flies just twatting fucking Phillip Schofield. Would you do that? No, it'd be a paedophile, would you? Would you go to paedo island on your own? Just talk about what you've been through. You know if they said 10 days fend for yourself, I'm guessing they've planted something like

fucking Mars bars in the sand and stuff. Look at this, a naturally occurring Mars bar. Oh fuck it's out of date. Water, sparkling, no not for me. I'm wearing white boxes, I couldn't possibly. Would you do it in 10 days? I reckon I'd do it in 80, but I'd like to see how much he ate. I think I'd do it, I think I'd thrive. I'm the king of the asylum now. Listen, don't take this the wrong way.

You're the biggest pack animal I know. I really made sure that I got all of those noises in the right order. I am a pack animal. I am learning a lot about myself. Once a week I need just to leave me alone so I can go and have a scroll and do a big poo. Right? But apart from that, I need to be with my friends and people that are like, oh, I'm sick times a week and then once. Same. Yeah. You like, go out socially and you're like, hey, and that's enough. I'll go away. Leave me alone for six days. Absolutely. You're the opposite end of the scale. Yeah.

But that alone time is shared with Seneca too. But sometimes I'm like, now we need extra alone time when you're not even there. So fuck off. Yeah. I think 10 days on an island just talking to a GoPro might be a bit much. So, you know, like I I've said it on here, like you've got I've got you lot, which is like another family. I've got my actual family. I love having a bit of time on my own. I had to go to the dentist yesterday and I accidentally had been booked in for this scan at the wrong one. There's three of

them and I thought it was the Ellesmere port one, which was handy. And it was Denby, which is about a 40 minute drive. And I just went anyway because I wanted a bit of time in the car on my own. It was great. You did this in ten of these halls. Laura's like, this isn't, that's not good is it? You came on all the way with us and was like, do you know what lads, really good to be on a lads holiday. What I actually wanted was a solo holiday. Booked myself a new hotel on the beach and I'll see yous. Only for half of it. You know? And also you were welcomed down on the beach. You got in the hotel pooler now before we were flying home, the first time I can keep saying all of these things and I had a great holiday. That already phenomenal. I also, I didn't

need mates. I've just got Chinese women trying to rub my feet. I remember telling Alfie how much I hate the solitude of touring when you can't afford like a support act and a tour manager. But Alfie was like, I don't know what you're talking about. He's like, I've got four children and a naggy missus. And I'm quite happy for the fucker. He's like, when I get booked for the tour show and I'm like, Oh, York is it? Car hired is it? I don't think you need to go to Falkirk Alfie. Yes, I fucking do. Yeah. 10 days from now. though, you find out who you are wouldn't you? Properly. I think I'd find out that I'm not a fussy eater. I think you know when I'm like, oh I get up at night, I don't like it, wait till I'm fucking...

You're like, do you know what? It might be out of date but I'm having that Mars bar. Gravy? I prefer a Snickers. Yeah. Gravy. Do you find I'm gravy. I like gravy. I like gravy. I like it. How do you, how do you, you were telling us before we started, I've never had gravy at all. You're a bit of a down with food. Well, I grew up like Don and then I grew up matured. And we're getting value. Doesn't like gravy. I must have been, I mean, I must have been like what, like 12 before I had like pasta and that kind of stuff. I used to eat like cheese and crackers. Yeah. I used to be like dead skinny. I never had, I have never had gravy and I wouldn't. Like I think if I was on a desert island, I found

gravy. I'd just drown myself. Did you say you'd never had a pie the other day? No I'd never had a meat pie. It took me like maybe it was about five years ago, four years ago where I had like a cheese and onion. When you have your first steak pie with gravy in it you are going to cum in your pie. By the way, if you're fussy a pie is a bit of a nightmare because it's hidden in it. All the evil stuff is hidden. Oh no, hide all them tits. Yeah, it's all greatness.

I don't want tits in a meat pie. I know what I'm saying, the tits are hidden. They're still amazing on the other side. The problem is cow tits in a pie, they cut it all up. So the pie's the bra. Yeah. And then inside is the bra. I just think if you're fussy, you

want to see what you're attacking a pie is like, who knows what's in there. Oh, hot sauce, steak and gravy. I honestly, like, I feel so sorry for you two pathetic minded men. Northerners, we're getting impressed. Not like pies or gravy. What are we doing here?

I can't do gravy, can't do beans. Have you ever had gravy? Beans I get. But I like like refried beans. Like you know. Oh it's fried, we've been talking before. You were telling us this before, like what is it about frying that makes it all okay? Beans!

He's a veggie who will eat fried chicken. No, so what I, because we went to Hickory's, so when I first started this company I was like, because I just branded myself a veggie, but it was always in the back of my mind, it's like at some point I'm going to be hungover or something and I want fried chicken. So I'm just going to have to eat it covertly. And then we went to Hickory's for the super bowl and I was like, I'm just going to get chicken like brazenly, but that, cause that's fried. But if it was fried and had the bones in, I wouldn't touch it. And if it was any other meat, the only meats I've like eaten, uh, like willingly like fried. And I had an alligator. What do you mean willingly?

What meat of us against you? My dad used to try and sneak harm into like, yes, into like pizza and was like, Oh, to see if I'd bite it and go, Oh, I like some of them pink cheese. And I'd have it and go, is there harm in this? And he'd go, no, there's vegetables. And I was like, no, is it ham? Yeah. And then I'd throw that. I wouldn't eat. Jordan realized, Adam, it's like cocaine. You get to an age and you realize everyone does cocaine. Everyone's fucking. I feel like we've reached an age. We realize everyone is fucking weird to food. Except for me and you. It's insane. Everyone in this room is a freak with food. You're wearing the minority in this room. Yeah. It's so hard. You're in the minority in this room. Yeah. I saw the majority in the rest of the world, but are we down? Most people can eat most things. I think I'm

just vegetarian. The reason you're a vegetarian makes you a freak. Yeah. You were chatting to you because you go high, because you go high. You're more ethical though. Whereas me and Dan, like I, I'd kick the shit out of like a donkey. I don't care. It's more the eating. Like I can't. Have you ever had deep fried donkey? At least kick the shit out of something you eat. The question I'm asking you that I'm intrigued by is it's all fucking mad.

You know it's all mad. Yeah, it's all, if I could switch it in my brain and then eat it, it'd make things so much easier. Totally. What is it about frying? Why will you have fried chicken, but not roast chicken? So I think it's because one, it's very kind of child food anyway.

So I was kind of given like terky dinosaurs growing up. Yeah, which is not fried or roast chicken. No, but it was like, no, but like it's like bread, like covered in breadcrumbs or whatever. Cause it's right. So it's the same, it's the pasty thing no, but like it's like covered in breadcrumbs or whatever. Cause it's right. So it's, it's the same. It's the pasty thing. It's cause it's hidden.

Do you think it's cause it's hidden by the coating? But also I think like, like a chicken at Mackey's is so far removed from being an animal that it doesn't really register in my mind. But if I bit into it and I've got like, sometimes you can get like a vein, I just wouldn't eat the rest of it. If you bit a bit, it moved, it put you off. Yeah. Same. I don't like the, I don't like the fact that it's alive or it was alive. Do you know what I mean? Except the chicken. Right. Okay. So you wouldn't eat half a roast chicken because it looks a bit like a chicken. I wouldn't eat any roast. I wouldn't eat little, it's like say if I bit into like a Mackie's wrap but then like the covering fell off and it was just the chicken. I wouldn't eat that

on its own. It's mental. And I've never, I don't tell people this. Have you ever had lamb? No. Lamb is unbelievable. The only thing I've had is I had alligator nuggets in New Orleans and that's because it was a nugget like it was alligator nuggets. Yeah. Sounds like chicken.

Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Did you have some chicken nuggets and someone that's alligator and you were like, oh, is it fucking great. I've had that. It's rubbery chicken. I was a burger.

Where was that? In the Baltic. Oh, right. Yeah alligator burger. Where was that? In the Baltic market ages ago. Oh right yeah. Wasn't it in town? What? Who's selling alligator burgers? The alligator farmers. Cool. I don't believe you. It's fine, it's all chicken innit? Do you think that isn't chicken's beef? Go on. You know what I mean? Like sausages, it's all chicken in it. But you're like, oh, bacon's not chicken. Not too far away.

All right. Keir Starmer loves sausages, mate. By the time this goes out, it's going to be fucking old news. It's the best like nip slip of all time now. It's brassite in real life. I'm going to play it just cause it makes me so happy. We've somehow run into the world. If you haven't seen this at the labor party conference in Liverpool, um, Kia star was making his, uh, like keynote speech. Uh, is it a keynote? It must be a keynote. Yeah, it's like a keynote. He's a headliner, isn't he?

Yeah, he should be. He's the leader of the country. He's the big fella. Can't have him opening. Go on. And he was calling for, you know, in his own way, an end to the war in the Middle East. Now, you know, he's very controversial anyway, because he's, you know, had opportunities to condemn Israel for their war crimes and stuff like that. And he's choosing to focus on the initial attacks of October 7th, which, you know, was

horrific in itself. By Hamas. By Hamas. He's also focusing now on meat. Then releasing... And it's all awful, but like, you know, it's very political how Labour are handling it and it's very sort of, you know, a lot of people have got very valid criticisms and someone was escorted out of the Labour Party Conference for, you know, heckling and protesting Labour's official policy on the war in Gaza and Kirstama handled it

in a really disgusting way and then made his speech and demanded, demanded that Hamas return all of Israel's sausages. I call again for immediate ceasefire in Gaza. The return of the Sausages. The hostages. It still gets a round of applause though! They're already sort of half clapping, but they go up like three on Chia and they Chia play it again. When they hear Sausages, like, they're already clapping. The return of the Sausages.

The hostages. Great. It is. Israel doesn't... It's the most serious and horrific subject in the world. But Israel can't even eat sausages. No. Send them back, you're not eating them.

Neither can mask. Neither can mask. Neither side can eat sausages. Why? There should be no sausages anywhere near Gaza. Do Jews not have pigs either? We've had this conversation before kids. Have we?

Yeah. It's all chicken, isn't it? It's all chicken. Told ya. You can have chicken sausages, they're not very nice. I have the heck ones, they're okay. I don't like chicken sausages. Well that's Gaza solved.

Let's have a break. Return of the sausages. Oh, before we have a break, can I just tell ya a little story about something that happened on the way here. I went to get me a morning coffee and there's a lovely woman who works in a press, right? And she's always very friendly with me, always have a little chat. And you're a team member as well, aren't you? Absolutely, right?

And I was like, I haven't seen you for ages. Have you been like working in another store or you've been on holiday? She was like, I was away for a week. I worked in Chester, the store there for a bit. And yeah, she was like, I'll tell you what, I had a, she's got a couple of store there for a bit and yeah she was like I tell you what I had a she's got a couple of kids they're like seven and eleven right and uh she said I had them in this store with me over the summer obviously because summer holidays and I was like how's town

yeah she was like yeah and I had one of them helping me on the till for a minute and I got in a bit of trouble because someone complained to head office that I had underage workers working. So someone's come in and seen the manager of Pratt has brought their kid to work for the day and let them press a couple of buttons to like feel like they're sort of working and they've emailed head office of Pratt to complain that they've got underage staff, a seven-year-old. Can you fucking imagine? They are underage stuff, a seven year old, can you fucking imagine? They are underage though. Can you imagine, like what they've done is more pedophilic than what Philip Schofield done?

Schofield. Schofield. Point ruined. He's a Skoda-phile. You know what he's driving. But isn't that fucking- Gimpy. Isn't that the worst thing you've ever heard in your life?

A Skoda? I think when she let the seven year old make a cappuccino, that was too far. That was too far. Yeah, that's, and she's okay. Can you imagine seeing that and then going, do you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to go back to mine. I'm going to get me fucking Dell laptop out. It was a stinky Dell in it. No, I'm writing in. I'm writing in because this is wrong.

I've took a photograph. Look, here's a kid who took a photograph of... I'm not a paedophile. I'm trying to save the children. I'm a Skoda fan. It's a ThinkPad. Gimp. With the red thing in the middle that you can use as a mouse, like a little nipple. Yeah. Oh, with the glasses on.

That's a Lenovo, that. That's not a Dell. I thought it was just an all-around. No, Lenovo. That's a Lenovo. It was, yeah. Oh, the ThinkPad's Lenovo. That was the first thing I I thought it was just on all round. No, Lenovo. Lenovo. Yeah. Oh, the ThinkPad's Lenovo. That was the first thing I had to do in this company. I just liked the little nipple thing.

It used to feel good on me finger. Definitely noticed it. Yeah. Yeah. Got a question for you. Take out the ADHD on that conversation. Child workers, someone's a good, Lenovo. It's the Lenovo nipple.

What? Got a question for you. And I don't know whether you're going to get this because you don't understand synesthesia, do you? You don't understand that like Thursday's burnt orange. Like this is Thursday, this jumper, isn't it? It's a Thursday. Didn't you say Thursday was purple?

No, I think it's orange. I think we disagreed on it. Okay. I'm not a big fan. Thursday's eight o'clock in the morning. Got a question for you. Question for everyone, but directly for you. Yeah?

Question. Turn. If a door is closed, is it on or off? There's only one answer as well. The door is on. What? The door is on? Explain that to me.

Right? It's doing its job. What is the function of a door? To be open, to walk through that we just opened? No, no, no. What? The function of? No, no. A function of a door to be open to walk through that we know no no what the trunk no no a function of a Door is to allow passage close the way no it's not That's why you need a door wall. Yeah, you're thinking of walls doors are to allow passage, which is on when it's doing it Yeah, it's but it's the same thing. I think I'm with that But it's the same thing. Just saying it from the...

That door's on. Look at it. Look at that door. And you're telling me that's on. Yeah, yeah. Because if you took it off, if you took it off the wall, it's not on. That's what we're saying. We mean on and off as in functioning and not functioning.

Yeah, but it's doing its job. So a door is functioning when it's open. It's to allow passengers to go back to the door. So right now, if that door was a light bulb, light would be coming out of it. Right now. If that was on. So that's on. Grandmother of will should be a bite. Well, how do you, can you give the, uh, the vote that sort of this is that on or off? I agree with Dan and Finn. If the door is a lack of protein in your

diet, this gravy, it's the gravy. He's an all lacking gravy. If the door was off the wall and it was just a big hole, is that then doing the job of a door even though it's not a door? No, I mean holes in the walls do jobs of doors. No, but holes in walls aren't doors. No, but does that mean in fact that holes in doors are on? What about a window then?

A hole in a door, yeah, a hole in a wall is on. If you want to take it to that level, yeah. Because the default of that wall is that it's a fucking wall. Isn't it? Not with a big hole in it. What? Not with a big hole in it we made. Yeah. And we put something in that we use. So when we're using it on, when we're not using it. I mean a door is, is, is on in theory all the time in it because that's the function of it. It has to be open and closed to make it when you're using it as a door, which should be on, it's open.

What's a door when it's not a door? Oh, I've just thought of something that might contradict it. Because when an automatic door works, it's open. It turns on. And it turns on. Oh shit. Oh yeah, yeah, okay.

Get in. Well, that's not as fun. I know. We all agree. Are revolving doors on all the time then? Yeah, constantly, because they're turning constantly. Yeah. Apart from when they're not.

But that doesn't support his point. And then they're off. Yeah. How about that, internet? I don't know. I think the comments on this will be divisive. If I said to you, the front door's broke, it's locked in it. It's not working. No, the front door's broken. There's a big hole in it. People can keep walking through it.

Because it's still working when it's broken. If it's locked, it's working as a door. It's not. It's working as a wall because you can't use it for what its purpose is. A door. Yeah, but if there's a big hole in the front door, that's broke as well, isn't it? No, there's no door. Yeah, but if some if there's a big hole in the front door that's broke as well in it. No, there's no door. What about a car door? Because you want that shut when it's working. You want to get out, which is its purpose. Its purpose is the passage. No, it's not. Its purpose is to let you in. It is the purpose of a car door, so that I can get in my car, because without the doors the car's useless. Open the window, jump in. Open the window, turn the window on.

Jukes have hazarded. Yeah, it's off. That's off. Door's closed, off. Door's open, on. End of discussion. I win. I love how we argue about stuff that we really

don't give a fuck about. I do. This is the stuff I actually care about. And the other stuff, like sausages. Saus about. I do. This is the stuff I actually care about and the other stuff like garza sausages and doors. See you in a bit. Tell you what, if you love this content, my God, you want to sign up to Patreon.com because it's, it's, this is good in it, but it's better being a patron. 27,000 legends can't be wrong. No.

We get an exclusive episode out every Wednesday, a special every month, early access to this public episode. And those specials are building up. We have a back catalog of some unbelievable patron specials. TV level. Do you know what I generally think is a big thing with our patron that we never sell as like

a thing. Free hand jobs from the £10 tier. Oh shit. Yeah, because we don't mention it, but then you just turn up at people's houses and whack them off. I didn't know that. You know, yeah. Didn't you?

Even for us, that's why I'm still a Patreon. Is that why you're a £10 Patreon? Not a £10, £3. It's a, it's a good thing for that. It's a, take a tax us. It's one ticket access. It's one of the biggest now, isn't it? Like the country days I've been doing, obviously I promote them on Patreon first and I've just put four dates on sale at the Jack around there and they sold out within like an hour

and a half or two hours or whatever. They didn't even go like people on Instagram don't even know I'm doing them because they just sold out on Patreon. And obviously when we start announcing big tours and stuff, like there's even even if there's going to be tickets left for social media, the best ones, the best ones go on. Yeah. Early access to tickets might be one of the best perks now. And we never mentioned any events that we do side of the podcast as well. I'll go on Patreon. They all sell out on Patreon. So if you like us, you want to come and see us. It's worth the £3 just to be able to come and come get access to

them tickets as well as them. Yeah, you're VIP aren't you? Yep. Which is right. Patreon.com, a very important Patreon. Oh, nice. It's the lifeblood of this podcast. I know we do adverts and stuff, but that's the one, innit? Our Patreon is the one. Keeps the wheels turning. Whoa! That poster just turned into a pack of Doritos? Do we know about that? Yes.

Do we know about adverts on our thing? Yes. We put them there. Look at it. It's a lovely big pack of Doritos. Whoa! Oh, it's moving. Yes. We put them there. Look at it. It's a lovely big pack of them. Oh, it's moving. It looks like Paul is now. It looks like Donato's fin. They're paying us for that. It's got to be in the first half hour. Oh, oh, well you'll have seen them then. I wonder if they'll put, I mean it would be good if they put the advert

when Adam did that. Wouldn't it? That's been the first. I'm just going to keep doing it throughout the episodes. they've got options. Really? That's nice. Even though the first half hour was gone. Anyway, for the audio listeners, I bet that was a right laugh on it. We have some Doritos adverts that you will never... In fact, I'll tell you what, we'll start doing audio Doritos adverts, akin to what's happening on the video. I think that should be up to us. I like Doritos.

Experience the flavour of flaming hot Doritos. And they've had their money's worth. Thank you. I love the comments, they're like, am I going mad or did that Doritos thing just change there? Rewind it. I'll never see that again. I'm going mad again. I have 60 comments saying the same thing. I must be called mad. Yes.

Let's do some advice. I'm here to help. I'll solve your problems. I'll tell you to do it. Have a word with Gmall.com if you'd like some advice. If it's your first time listening or watching, we take it very seriously. We're saving lives actually. Yeah?

Yeah. Yeah. Anonymous says, wag wag boys need some advice about my father. Father? Dad. Take, take an knee on this one. My dad. No, maybe I'm the guy who's the, you know, outsider.

You've all been blinded by your dads. Blinded by the dads. My dad has been on a dating website since him and my mum split up. Over the past month, he's been chatting to a Thai bride online. And now he's gone and booked flights to go over there and see her. I think he's having chatting to a Thai bride online and now he's gone and booked flights to go over there and see her. I think he's having a midlife crisis. He shouldn't be doing that with a married woman. I think he's having a midlife crisis and he's maybe being scammed but I'm not sure how to stop him

as he's adamant he's going over. Please help Lids. You wouldn't be able to stop me. I'm telling you what, if I fell in love with a Thai woman and I'd already booked a flight to go and see her. Like the very worst that can happen here is that he gets a holiday to Thailand. Isn't it? I've got a question about this. And come back without kidneys or one, you know what I mean? There is a worst. It could go wrong. It could go and get shot in the head. The plane could crash. Armageddon. Yeah. Got to watch out for it. Do you want to die in Thailand?

Watch out for the plane. But also if he was talking to some woman from Coventry, like he could get fucking bummed to death in Coventry, couldn't he? There's always risks. There's higher risk in Thailand. There's always risk. I think warich is pretty safe. You know with the women who have got, you know, as Kirsten I would say, hostages.

You don't mean trans people. You mean Thai ladyboys. Yes. Like the ladyboys of Bangkok. Yeah. And then like they look like a tit. That didn't even factor in as a problem to me. You go over to Thailand, there's a dick there. Who cares? I'm worried about losing kidneys and Armageddon. Are you, is it uncouth to ask if they've got a cock in their pants? I'd say it might be uncouth, but I think you might be sensible. Do you know what I mean? Because like, they might not like it.

What gorgeous you are. Wow. And you're interested in me? That's odd. Have you got a cock in your pants? Can you say that? Two questions. Are you a whore?

Have you got a cock? Listen, card's on the table. I want to keep me kidneys. I'm looking for love. Please don't get your dick out Jeff. She's called Jeff. There was warning signs. She's wearing fucking. I've just never been to Thailand. So I've never, you know, been, are you allowed to ask? Well, that famous viral video, the Jeffrey one, the lady boy is covering their modesty.

You seen that? Shut up. Yeah, he's seen it. It comes everywhere. It does. They come everywhere, so they... I don't know the terminology, the pronouns. That kid.

They're doing that. Honestly, there's been some Facebook live videos go wrong for people. I think Shannon Sharp is selling merch, and you told me that, Yeah. It's like, there's my machine. He's making that wrong for people. I think Shannon Sharp is selling merch, and you told me that, like, that's my machine. He's making that work for him. ESPN not sacked him. But my man from Donny who went and banged Jeff

and then went, this needs to go online. And he's literally like reacting to the comments while he's bombing Jeff in a hotel in Thailand, like, ah, he's usually just jealous. He's fucking gorgeous. Yeah, I think, yeah. Are you allowed to say it? I think he knew, ah, he's just jealous. He's fucking gorgeous. Yeah, I think, yeah. Are you allowed to say it? I think he knew, didn't he? It's not like the modesty was being hidden.

Oh, no, no. I know what I'm saying. Oh, sorry. I thought you were saying he's so pissed he's like, I didn't even see a dick. No, I'm saying the lady boy was covering their parts. They might be offended if you asked. That's what I mean. Are you going to offend them? I think maybe she didn't want to be on Facebook Live. She just wanted to. But she wasn't covering her face. She was covering her dick. Yeah. She was going, don't show me penis, just show me face. Yeah. I had to pick an accent that

wasn't offensive. I'm Jeff. I'm from Thailand. I'm just looking for love. I had a fat bald middle-aged man from Lancashire. The offense the offence that you offend them if you say listen, if you've got a cock on your butt. I get asked. Offending them? Yeah. What are you looking for, Carl? I don't want to offend anybody. If you go to...

If you're looking for a wife. With what is known about Thailand and the fact that this goes on quite a lot, I think if you go, hey love, you've got a cock or what, right? And she's like, excuse me, how dare you? How dare you ask me that? You just go, do you know what? Shut up. You know there's fucking women round here with dicks and I'm just checking you're not one of them.

There's literally a woman with crackin' tits next to you. So fucking why don't you crack that? Why don't you neck him and you cock him? Why don't you cock him? I can't believe you just asked her that. Fucking hell, there's no decency for us women. And are there ones without cocks? There's Thai women. Yes.

There is Thai women, yeah. Famously, that's how they've managed to get to the population, they've got to. Okay, just ask. I don't have a bean. Look at that. Thai women with a fanny. You've never been to Pisa, right?

You can ask her about that. I haven't been to Pisa, but that was my next question. If you go to Pisa, or Coventry, and ask a love, have you got a cock? That's going to go down badly. You know, it's context, isn't it? Now and how?

You're in revolution in Coventry. Just be polite. It's all chicken, isn't it? I think asking Thai women, hey, have you got a penis? Is the same as asking an Indian person, hey, have you put coriander in this? Like it's a fair assumption. It's a fair question.

An Indian chef. There's a lot of that going on over there. Not just a random Indian person. Hey, have you put coriander in this? Say it a little wet here. Made me nervous. I tell you what, just for a millisecond I was nervous and it was about dressing and coriander.

That's fine, fine. Asking an Indian person, everyone in hells. Well, navigated that quite well. Random Indian on the street. There's as many women with cocks in Thailand as there is courties with coriander in Indian restaurants. Katie Mellon. It's about 80%. Listen, he's going...

I know I've never been, but I imagine if you're going over to find love, if know I've never been, but I imagine if you're going over to find love, if you've tracked someone online, she's just a young woman who wants to live in St. Helens, you know, in a three bed semi, right? She's looking for love as well. I don't think you can get off the plane and go, just to check love, before I get the taxi with you. If you've got a car...

That'd be the first question I asked. That would be the very first question. If you're going over... No, no, you asked that before you go. No, because you can't get proof. You don't get on the plane before that. no, you asked that before you go. No, because you can't get proof. You don't get on the plane before that. Oh, I'd wait till the airport.

I'd wait till St. Ellens. No, St. Ellens airport. I'll tell you what, Cal. What are we like? We knew there wasn't an airport there. Said anyway. 1047 airports in the United Kingdom.

The cakes and everything. What did you just say? There are 1047 airports in the United Kingdom. Wow, there's four ad-yous. There's four what? There's four airports. There's 1047 airports in the UK. What counts as an airport? A place where planes take off and land. A port where the airplanes can land. In theory that could be the M53. No, no, no it could. A plane could land on the M53. Yeah, but that doesn't make it an airport does it? I could drive my car through your fucking house, right through the front door, doesn't make it a car park does it? It can't park there anyway.

Makes it an off door. I can't park there anyway. Makes it an off door. I, well, just what, fields and stuff? No. 1047 registered airports. Airfields, yeah, higher Manchester. Airfield is an airport. Yeah, I reckon I can help you.

Yeah, yeah, there you go. All right, cool. You know Manchester Airport? Yeah, there's another fucking thousand of them. There's 1046 other ones, similar to that. No, there's an in size. Yeah, cool. You could, where you can legally take a plane off or land it.

Right, okay, cool. Airbus. Airbus. Airbus. Airbus. Airbus. Airbus. There's a thousand of them. There's a thousand and forty six other ones similar to that. Different in size. Yeah, cool. You could, where you can legally take a plane off Orlando. Right. Okay, cool. Airbus.

And I'm suggesting that I would probably be alright with using a small percentage of that. Of course. I think, you know. Like Blackpool Airport, you're not flying to LA are you? No. But your dad's got an airport. Yeah. Anyway. No, but that's got an airport. Yeah. Anyway, black pool to LA line. He used to do a lot

of business and all the movie stars. How would either of you react if your dad's introduced you to the Thai brides? Well, I'd be like, here we go. Third time around. Let's give this one a shot. I would be like, I'd be very polite. I'd be like, I love your rice. You having a pint? Bit of cuss in your pants? No, but I'd ask my dad that. I'd wait till she went for the shies and then I was like, hey dad, cock or no cock?

But it's the new game we're playing, dad. Yeah, no lemons comes out. Takes a get off. No lemons in Thailand. Is she sound? Listen, I haven't talked to my step-mum in ages. I just want a sound one. I don't care where she's from, I don't care how big a dick she is. Is she sound? Yeah. Is she sound? Yeah.

Fine. Is he happy? Yeah, oh yeah, like if my dad wants to go and bum with me with cocks, he's welcome to do so. I'm not like a here to judge. You progressive bastard. Yeah, but I would want to know. Yeah. No, if she went to toilet, I'd be like, dad. What if he was like, do you know what, Adam?

We've talked about this, me and Jeff. Jeff Aline. Jeff Aline. Jeff Alina, right? And we've just decided, that's her business. No one needs to know. Would that be alright? Sure. Be mad at me, doesn't it? I'd be like, but then I know for sure she's got a cock. In a separate conversation. No, you just go no. In a separate conversation. Come for a kick about with us. There is a woman on the planet. Let's go to the park. By the way, there's not a woman on the planet who's got a vagina, got a puss-puss, and if you ask her, what have you got down there? She's like, I'm not telling you. There isn't one.

Yeah, they're proud of them. Give them that, they're proud of the pussy. I wouldn't mind. The voice of women, call it regular ladies and gents. Tell you what about women, I'm all for them. But they're very proud of the buzzies. I wouldn't mind a woman having a penis and maybe ending a relationship with her, you know? I just, I'd need her to have a vagina, like, somewhere. You mean your dad? No, even me. You'd go out with a person with a penis? Yeah, but she's got to have a vagina somewhere.

On her shoulder? On her shoulder. But she can't. If she plays football, she has to be a w somewhere. On her shoulder. On her shoulder. But she can't. If she plays football, she has to be a winger. Are we all agreed? We're very progressive, but she has to play on the wing. No centre backs.

100%. I'd rather have a Thai lady boy who's a right winger than a cisgendered white woman who's an absolute centre back. Like a Rodrigo over like a John's headie. You've got your Rodrigo over like a John Terry. You got your Rodrigo's, you got your John Terry's. You got your cock in your pants. I couldn't fall in love with John Terry, regardless of how nice their pussy is.

No. Yeah. Rodrigo, beautiful. And that's us, ladies and gents. Pretty progressive. Where the dirtbag left? Anonymous, another one. Wag wag lids. What's the advice? Oh yeah.

That was rough, that was a rough, rough five minutes. Yeah. Genuinely, like just let your dad be happy. If he's being like, as soon as the signs are like, you know, Jeff Alina just wants three grand for college education. Then you've got to step in and go, dad, wake up. How old are they? Yeah.

What do you mean? Like dad, wake up. You can't get an education for three grand and start looking at better schools. He's worried about the scamming, isn't he? Right. Yeah. That's the bit. Whenever the Paypal's mentioned, step in.

Yeah. Just let him have a fucking, let him bang Jeff. Paypal's a dad. Anonymous, please keep this anonymous as I need some advice. My missus all of a sudden has stopped going down on me and suddenly said that she doesn't enjoy it no more. But when we bonk, I always go down on her first

to start off. The most I get is a hand job and that's it. How do I introduce this back into our sexy times? And more importantly, get to start enjoying it again. And that's from Dan Nightingale, age 43. Washing cock? How long have they been together as well? I think he's probably got a smelly little bell end. Do you have to wash your cock?

It's going to be another brush your tongue thing. I don't know, say it to her. It could be like, listen, I'm going to Munchtown for you. Can you go to Sausage Town for me? But he said that she said she doesn't enjoy it anymore. I know. If the love of the game's gone. Yeah, just because you've gone to Munchtown doesn't mean your older's in Munchtown.

No, of course not. But you're like, listen, I'm putting the effort in. It's not tiffitats, not quid pro quo, Carl. It isn't quid pro quo, but I'm saying, if you're putting the effort in, be like, listen, I know you don't like it, but let's give it a go. Because you know. Is there, would there be anything worse than...

Sucking cocky dimwana. Getting a blowjob from someone that obviously doesn't want to be giving you it. There's worse things. That, I know what you mean. Nuclear war. Being taken hostage. Armageddon. Oh yeah.

The Holocaust. Dying in town. Loads. Nine eleven. Every time. Every fucking time. Just Everton. Everton. Mix it up then put some like flavour on it. Yeah get flavour blue. Cheddy coke. Pour Cheddy coke on your coke. Well just hide it in a fucking chocolate clay. I had a one cup of Cheddy lube last week. And the smell afterwards

I was like, I wouldn't want to be tasting this. It smelted on my hand when I was done and I was like, it doesn't smell like cherry. It smells like cherry perfume rather than like cherry sweets. It smells like cherry rubbed on a cock. Ask her what food she likes. I love banoffee pie. Get that fucking banana on you. You can rub it in the cock, it's going to ruin the smell. Got that into cocking. And air freshener's weird, yeah, it's peeing with cock, that's why. Lavender cock.

Smell the cock. It's like when you have a big shit and spray air freshener, it smells like air freshener. It smells like a cock. Yeah, I mean, I, you're in a bit of a shit situation here because you can't do anything. Like you can ask her what she doesn't like about it and then improve it. Cause then if she does say, I don't like the taste of cock, then you know're gonna have to you are gonna put like find a favourite meal put a roast dinner on it you know what I mean a few carrots bit of veg lamb she's gonna eat your dick off though that is the other downside I thought I thought this was lunch she might not like things

in her mouth like a lot of people like that like like gag a little bit. Yeah. And there's every chance as well that he likes eating pussy, you know? I do, I like doing it, you know? So like if I was with someone and she stops sucking me off and then I was like still doing that for the hair, like it'd be cutting me cock off to spite me pussy, you know what I mean? Lovely turn of face.

Cutting me pussy off to spite me cock. Yeah, because you used still like eating pussy. Yeah, like, so like, if I was, like, I need to get sucked off to being a, like if I stop getting sucked off, I just break up a relationship. I do, if I'm not getting sucked off, I'm done. What if you've been married for a while?

What? Just asking for a friend. Asking for a, what if you've been married? Of course, Lord, I don't know if I was you, if she's not sucking you nothing up. You own a house together. Give her the house. Give her the house, go and earn a new house somewhere. Two kids. You've got two kids.

And you know, there's no more... They say we're juggler. Try and find out what she doesn't like about it. Try and fix it and then decide whether the relationship's for you without it. I couldn't do it. Try and find out what she doesn't like about it, try and fix it and then decide whether the relationship's for you without it. I couldn't do it, you know, but if I did stay in that relationship, you still gotta go to Munchtown because it's fun, innit?

Yeah. You're gonna have to, yeah, not let that be known that that's the reason the relationship's ended surely. That's not gonna make you seem, you know, to like all friends and family. I don't really give a shit. Like that's on air, isn't it? If she goes to her mum and dad, she's like, he's broke up with me because I'm going to suck him off. Yeah. So what, when you break up and everyone knows, because you've been married, say, I don't know, eight years and you've been together 10. Just say that your things weren't working out.

You'd have to be honest with other people, but be honest with each other. Be like, listen, sexually we're not matching up and it's important to me. If she wants to go- You can't end, I'm telling you, well, I'm telling you you can't. You can't, can you?

Or say to her, look, you don't like sucking me off, but I like getting sucked off, so I'd like to go and see her prostitutes a couple of times a year and she just sucks me off. I won't kiss her. Nice. Do you know what, babe? off. I won't kiss her. Nice. Do you know what babe? Yeah. I'll let you know how that goes.

I think you're right though as well. Like you don't want to, do you want to blow drop off someone who doesn't want to do it? No, I don't. You want the absolute like this is fucking, this is great. This is my ice cream. This is my fucking fab lolly. But if you can live without it, if you can live without it, just fucking suck it up and crack on and still keep doing that for there

if you enjoy yourself, you know? Also, Love Honey have a lot of like things where you can like imitate a blowjob. Yeah. You can get like blowjob machines and stuff and you use code AFF-word20, is it? Yep. And there's loads of blowjob and things things so go on and have a look.

There you go. Is that the Retos? And like it just you know what I mean like don't let it ruin the other sex stuff because just don't you don't have to like always like the same stuff just because she doesn't want to watch Yellowstone with you anymore doesn't mean you have to turn Breaking Bad off. Can we stop making it so on the nose for my relationship tonight? What are we doing? She can give you the blowjob with her arse.

I thought she'd love Yellowstone! Not into it. There you go. Give us a blowy with your arse instead. See that? Well that was a short section but our food's here so. See you in a bit. See you in a bit. Everyone's favourite maccom's here. Hey no, restart.

One way to wound us. Right in the hole. One second in. Kai Humphries. Is this three times now? Three times, the trilogy. And a restaurant special. And a special. And a guest host. Two specials technically, because we split that one up, didn't we? We did split it up.

Nice guest hosted. I haven't guest hosted. I've always been on the comfy seat. Oh, there you go. Oh, I thought you guest hosted a Patreon once. You're getting them confused with Jeannie Ashley. Is she done? She hasn't done it either though. Which is the, you know, that's the problem with her. Can he say that?

I can't say that. Actually, if Gina Yashere came in here and you kept calling her Kai. She leaves, it's Kai Ordon. I had a belt that I had to buy trip with Gina Yashere. Like we went up to the Burj Khalifa and that. We dealt with Phil Nichols metal breakdown. Fucking quality. You do that in Dubai?

I thought that was a legal. We contained it, we kept it in the hotels, you know what I mean? Then let a mental breakdown on the streets. Gina's brilliant. She's been in America for years now, hasn't she? That was about a weekend with those two. I saw the comedy cellar, she was kicking one there when I was at the comedy cellar. Oh really?

Yeah. The last I seen of her was a clip where she called Russell Peters up for being a joke thief. Did you? Yeah, so like Russell, like obviously I don't know any of the facts of this thing, but like, he was talking about like someone taking one of his jokes and being all like sort of high and mighty about it.

And she did like a selfie reply. She was like, you fucking cunt. She went, you used to come to the UK and do every American comics bitch, knowing we hadn't seen them. And then you'd take all of ours and take them back to America, fuck you. You fucking horrible, like you stole my bitch, you cunt.

Cause he was before the internet as well, wasn't he? Like he was doing that before there could be a paper chase of like people seeing the clip and going, wait a minute, this isn't on. Like, you know how people used to have two families back in the eighties? You genuinely have comedians that were like married with kids in London and married with kids in Manchester

and each family thinks they're on the road. That would happen. That sounds like hyperbole, but that did actually happen. Uh-huh. Did it? And then Facebook appeared and that all got rumbled. People would have multiple families, yeah, weirdly. Could you be arsed?

Could you be arsed? Could I fuck? If they were both shit. I know rumbled. People would have multiple families, yeah, weirdly. Could you be arsed? Could you be arsed? What the fuck? If they were both shit. I know, yeah. John, I'm going to try this somewhere else. I fuck this one and then they're just worse kids. I just... More annoying and less intelligent.

Just doing two half jobs with your family. Yeah, just... Instead of just one half job like everybody else. It's... I just can't... Like, that's got to be one of the why would anyone do that? Because you've got met a new person you still love your old family and your kids. It's cheating isn't it? Yeah but to never like with the second one be like you know what I think we should settle

down and be like ah feels familiar let's do it again. Have any of you ever cheated in a relationship? Yeah. Because it's fucking stressful. When I was younger yeah. When you're younger because I had a a breakup that like she denied the breakup. I broke up with her. I remember this. Do you know what this? Yeah. What she just said, like when Eddie won't leave and friends. I broke up, right?

Let's get this right. I'd get in and I'd made it. I'd been away for a weekend. I'd come back. I'd made a decision while I'd been away and I went through with a breakup and it was like those tears and that she started packing. She was about to go back to her parents' house and I was like, well, having a break up, I didn't worry her parents by turning up at like 10 at night, like knocking them out of bed. I was saying just stay here the night and then we'll deal with it tomorrow. Cause it hadn't been nasty. There wasn't an argument. And it was out of nowhere for her. For me, it was just like, I'd been thinking about it for a while for her. It was out

the blue. And then the next day she went to work and I sat in waiting for her to come home and pack her stuff. And she came in carrier bags. She's kind of got steak. I've got potatoes. I'm going to make them wedges. He like, I'm hungry. I was hungry. potatoes. I'm going to make them wedges. He like, I'm, I was hungry. You just started chef it on. I think she got to bring it up. I think she got to bring it up. Oh, we're going to talk about what happened last night. I went over for nine more months. There's some good wedges. Nine months have been completely uninvested in doing like mostly traveling. And in that time I wasn't very faithful because I'd already made a psychological,

the psychological contract was broken for me. But so, because I heard that story and it's just naturally fucking hilarious. But when the second time you ended it, did you have witnesses and like, did you do it? How did you do it the second time? Cause you can't just be like... In a very similar way, just on a full stomach

You should have done it like a reverse proposal You know like when you take it somewhere really nice and you get someone to secretly film it You do that but for a breakup and you're like look I fucking broke up with you, right? It's done. What about if I broke up with her the second time? Which is like wait a minute I've got the Mandela effect. I thought we'd already broken up. I do not break up nine months ago. If she like goes, hi, we broke up nine months ago. What would you do if she a month later tried to break up with you with your ego takeover and be like, hang

on, I fucking did this first. Oh, dear. No. Or would you be like, yo, no, I don't believe me. I had let her have that one. Small victories in it. Have that one. That was yours. Oh, 100%. You'd be like, this is an easy pass, innit? Like the hit man that goes to shoot someone and then they get hit by a bus.

Take it. Don't answer to me. I've fulfilled the contract. What a fucking chess move from here, by the way. Nine months. And I'll be honest with you, up the game a little bit for the first couple of months, the nine months. She did. She stepped up a bit, aye.

Where you just say, oh, you know what, this is all right. Better than giving feedback. This is like when a footballer's in the last year of his contract and he's like, I need to fucking earn the next contract. Shut with it. Aye. She's like, yeah, she had deals running out and no one's coming in. We're not fair. She's like, get them stakes on.

Look, he's stepped over the end. Please make sure. Yeah. I'm trying not to get injured. That's a fucking good steak. This is just forgettable to me. You know what? It was just our right steak. I'm just a bloke. It's a steak. Um, I was putting that in that time that's like, I'm ashamed of it. I shouldn't have cheated. Like you should just fucking need, like if you're, if you're gonna be in a position where you're cheating the fucking relationships over, that's where I'm at.

But that was stressful as fuck to get back to the point of people having two families. Just the fact that me phones there face down on the coffee table because anything that lights up could be a problem. The fact I had numbers saved is like five aside teams. Can I be phone? I ran a five aside league and I had like someone five aside because I was being a dick. Oh yeah. All right. Why is John from five aside league and I had like someone five aside because I was being a dick. Oh yeah. All right. Why is John from five aside sending you a picture of his tits?

Weird. I mean, he's got a crack and set on him. I've got to be honest. I think if you've got the, um, you know, if you've got within you as a person to have a two families and morally be able to square it with yourself, even though you can't possibly square it with anyone else, if you square it with yourself and you're like, I'm comfortable with my actions here and I've got two families and you go through all the admin involved of having two families, but

you don't have two phones, then I think you're a fucking lunatic. Like you should like, you've got to have one for one family and one for another. Would you have two different personalities, like dressed differently? I would, because that's the only reason I can see to do it. No, but then what happens?

So what, you get to like a service station, you're like an hour from home, change up, now I'm other Adam. Put your mustache on. Troy Hawk. You're turning into Troy Hawk. You get your second family, like Shoulders Back. Yeah, yeah.

But like I worked. Am I on the Samsung or the iPhone? Shit, I'm Samsung fucking tonight. Like when you went to a new school for like a certain lesson, you're like, I can be anyone here. I can be fucking anyone. I'd be doing that with my new family. Is that what you're doing?

Dead hard. I'm a rapper. Just reinvent yourself completely. Yeah, but that's the only reason I can see it. Like if you don't like yourself with that family, but you still love that family, you're like, do you know what I really want to be? A different me.

Then you go and get another family and see if they like love that. Be a rapper elsewhere. And then you come home one day and your first wife's like, hey, have you got 200 million views on YouTube, I'm honest. Bitches ain't shit, come on. No. No, sorry, have you got 200 million views on YouTube? I'm honest. Bitches ain't shit, come on. No.

No. Sorry, no. That is other Adam. That's not me. He lives in Manchester with Melanie. Who's Melanie? I don't know. I know, but she's a great mom.

It's a child, five, six, seven. You're slipping up. You end up going like, oh, do you remember when we saw this last week, this film? She's like, no, six, seven. You didn't slip up. You didn't look like, Oh, do you remember when we saw this last week? This film? She's like, no, I've never seen any films. I just caught you. But I do that.

I do that. We wait for the haven't cheated on her. But I think I've seen a film with her and I haven't been with Daniel or something. And I just thought she was there. Like in my memory, she was at the cinema with us. Yeah. Or an ex. Like sometimes like get some fabulous memories of that. I'm like, hey, remember when we seen that?

And they're like, that wasn't me. I'm like, you were there when you did, so you're great, oh no, that's not you. Yeah, you probably got one too. If I did that now, that'd be bad. You know, cause I've been with Laura for 10 years. I don't think, you remember that time we did that thing? Shit, that was 2008.

It's a 10 year old film, and it's still within your relationship with fame. Oh that was no, that was with fame, I mean ice skating. Oh that's definitely not allowed. That was like my relationship predates Tinder. So Natalie once asked us on Tinder, did you swipe left or right? I was like, oh I don't know, she was like, correct answer. I used to have a go at my friends Tinders just to have a go. It's just a game innit and I never got to play it.

Don't you just always swipe right? Isn't that the game? Just to see what may have your cause. The game is to switch it to men and then you do what you want. I've seen my wife date with my Geordie mates where she'll have a go there Tinder and get them laid. Like she's delivered a couple of times for me Geordie mates by just being in the beer garden. Because women know what women want. Oh and it's not just the swipe, it's also the first messages. Natalie actually does the...

That was a little while back, she got me mate Adam late, and it was just in the beer garden at the stand, and like a week or two later, she got back in touch, guy and I, she'll deal with that girl that you're sorting us with on Tinder. That's got to be serious. A wing woman, a wing woman. It's kind of like semi catfishing isn't it? When Adam turns up like you alright? He sent these really nice messages.

He completely understands women. Then he's like, do you fucking go for food then or what? You don't seem the same. You seem different in your messages. Order the other restaurant. We go for food then or are we? I'd be sick of him. It's not his dessert. I think someone else was messaging me. We're going for more food. I'm so hungry. I'm glad I didn't fuck with Deit and Absoul. I didn't think that, that wouldn't have worked for me, I don't think. Why? I didn't think I'm a picture kind of guy. Like, I tell you what, I never used to pull in eight clubs like that's glasses on grinding up against this. No, you're a long game. Like, but I'll make you laugh.

How did you meet Natalie? Yeah, actually I met her at a music festival. No mutual friends drugged up in a field. Mad name for the music festival. Drugged up in a field. Mad name for the music festival. Yeah, Rob Benny it was. What? Drugged up in a field. No mutual friends festival. Everyone goes on the road. Rock this by Inverness, by the lake. I took MDMA for the first time.

I was coming up watching dead mouse and we kissed before we talked. You got so loved up you met your fiance. And I got laid that night and it wasn't her. What? Seriously. Does she know that? Aye.

She knows that? She does now. She does now. Sorry, what? You got loved up, kissed Natalie, went off and fucked someone else? So now I got with the other girl first because I was helping her set up my tent

and I made it, ended up fucking off home and she ended up hanging around with us. And Natalie had seen me at a gig and I was back at the back of the gig with this other last buff was single and then she spotted me. There was a group of comedians talking to a group of her mates and she just grabbed me and walked off with me. And we're kissed and watched some music and we had a chat and then we disappeared and never saw each other. And then I got back to the girl I was with and then The next night I bumped into her again and we traded numbers

So like I mean I was kind of looking out for her. I'll be real. It's a small festival And I was like that's a film waiting to happen by the way. I say I've got to find that girl from last night There was a bit of like a drugged up like I got Yeah, the first one's just first night It's like the first June doesn't really end. Just set the next one up. Correct. I mean, but I think it's quite I think there's something apart from the fact

that I was going out with like I hooked up with someone else that night. I think there's something romantic about meeting your partner in person, like your long term partner who you spend the rest of your life with. Yeah. To meet them in the wild, especially in, I do think- When you're at gigs and you ask how people met, it's like a little rarity that they're like,

oh yeah, a poor boy just in real life, because it's so often now the dating apps. 10 years ago it was embarrassing, oh, we met on an app and I was like, yeah, of course you did, everyone does. Now I think they lie about which app it was. I think that's where the lie comes in. People are like, yeah, it's internet dating. And then they change it to the, like, so it's not plenty of fish or if you're still trying to meet people on plenty of fish, by the way,

that app has rechanged the same to one fish. No one's on it. That was the, that was the slaggy one. I think back in the day that was a was a bit like, ooh. Wasn't it free? Was it because of Brexit, the fishing quota has manned. And then the fish left in the North Sea. Now it's like, Hinge and Bumble is the ones you hear more often than not. Bumble's an interesting one, innit, because the women have to talk first. Are they changing now?

Maybe. Do I misremember that? I don't think so. I thought they were changing. You know, when you hooked up with your missus, that you met in person, did you? Because I didn't get so. I thought they were changing. Did you know when you hooked up with your missus that you met in person? Because I didn't get Natalie's second name and like I said, no mutual friends, so no connections. So I had no way of finding her on social media.

Could you like go home after a meeting and then go and look through our pictures? Yeah, she worked with Adam. Yeah, so I knew her. I knew her. I thought she was Polish at first because of her name. And then when he found out she wasn't, she was like, well, I'll go, I'll make a move now. No, I'd never spoke to her.

You didn't know whether to get a quote for an extension or not. I wanted to do me paving. Spoke to her for the first time. She offered me some sweet. I was like, oh, and then she's a nonce. She worked with Adam and I just, I just. You got a number? I will have, yeah.

I used to leave, this is so soppy. I used to leave when I worked, I worked in blue. Yeah, I worked in blue when Adam and Sereka worked in MV. I used to leave blue about. So 20 minute walk there. Yeah, and I used to leave blue no later than two, maybe half two on a big day three. They'd finished work at what? there. Yeah. And I used to leave blue no later than two, maybe half two on a big day three. They'd finished work at what? Six. Six. I'd wait in town to walk home.

I'd go in Liverpool city centre between four AM and six AM. Creepy guy on the corner heavy breathing. Now I'd go in to see the movie. And then I'd go to like a bar on my own and sit and wait. By the way, the first two weeks of this happening, he wanted me to believe that there was nothing going on. So he was just like, yeah, I've just come to, I'm walking the way she's going. So I'm just going to walk. He lifted the next street to me. And I was like, oh, you're coming to meet me?

She had a taxi home. He was like, no, I'm going to just walk with Serra. We've become friends now. So we're just going to walk. I'm going to walk home. It's just been two weeks in. I was like, Carl, you know I know. And he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. But you can't tell Serecha that you know.

And it was only like last year that you were like, Adam always knew. And she was like, really? Were you really that close to your chest that you wouldn't tell your best mate? No, he didn't know. But she was like, oh, it's a secret. Blah, blah, blah. Right. So you're just respecting him. I'd waiting. Remember bar red? Yeah.

Shit. All bar. I'd sit in there on my own for three hours and wait to walk home. Where was Barrett again? That is how you know he loves Sereka. That's how you know he loves her because he fucking hates bars. Like you are not like, you're not a sit on your own. This is when you didn't have internet in your phone? You just raw dogged it. I was sitting there. You used to, I didn't know this by the way. You used to go to Barred on your own on a Saturday night

and just walk, get yourself a diet coke. Just sit there, yeah. That 19, that 19 year old reading the papers a bit weird. If ever I turned up late. I was eye holding it. I'd come to envy a lot, but if ever, for whatever reason, I wouldn't say, I don't know whatever reason. I remember going to Barreda for a few times and then.

Cause you're in love. And she lived in town. She lived in just on the outskirts of town. It was only a 15 minute walk. But I'd walk home. What did you order to drink in Barreda? I fucking hell. I mean, if I was beveying back then, it would be like a vodka.

But you wouldn't bevey on your own? No, I'd probably be sitting there drinking Diet Coke. Oh, is it fucking baby reindeer? You're night clubbing 2am! Baby lady. You'd always take a backpack to work. Oh yeah. You sat in Barred and there's only Diet Coke and a backpack on.

Looking like a fucking bomber. Do you reckon the staff are like, excuse me. I nearly said Unabomber but that's not. Do you think the staff wonder where, I nearly said Unibomber, but that's not. Do you think the staff wonder where you went after a little while, you know, when you were there on like clockwork getting the same drink and then all of a sudden you disappeared.

I probably told them what I was doing. But yeah, I was only a 15 minute walk, but you know, best part of the week. Isn't it mad that those people who work in Bar Red have known your autistic longer than I have? What, cause I'm gonna walk a girl home. Dad, you walking into a nightclub on your own on a Saturday night with a backpack and getting a diet coke and sitting in the corner

is peak autism. Why have you made it the corner? Look at my dish here. The corner, aye. Why were you on the dance floor? I'm on the dance floor. I'm on the diet coke. Oh no, I'm just waiting for someone.

I've got a distinct memory of doing it, yeah. All right, mine was, mine was I kept booking gigs that I hated just so I could be up nearer. Cause the Glasgow John Glasgow was one of the worst I thought. I don't know what you think, but that, that was not the most fun. That was the worst ones. But like, and because with, with the John Glasgow gigs as well, especially the bad ones, you kind of just get the ones you want because they're like, Oh, if somebody wants to do that one. I think it's fucking horrible. Oh yeah. If you fall in love with a girl in Portsmouth, you can go and visit her as much as you want. That's the one that people just kept putting myself on a gig that I hate. They're just so I could hang out with her.

That was my pound of flesh. Loving it. Yeah. Yeah. One day there's a good few comedy clubs that all the girls like, I want one day for someone with a backpack and a diet coke to wait for me for three hours. That's love. How he talks about Sereka is unbelievable. It is. It is unbelievable. Why do I feel like you're quoting Laura? It's in the comments. It's in the comments. I want someone to love me like that. Well, I'm taking babies. Sorry.

You're taking babies? Where? How long have you been together? 14 years. We'll get married next year. Oh nice. Twice, three times. We just spent 14 years making sure. There must be something up. We never wanted to get married. We don't. No. It was just. You know what's nice about getting married?

It's the kind of one card that you can play away. You got all your pals together for one day. It's three days in Italy. Yeah, exactly. It was treating it as a let's go away with all our mates and have the most amazing week. It's the best. But there's another card that comes with it, which is the more fun card. It's just a stag.

Yeah, which is the stag. It's a double layered fun card. Yeah. Because you get to go, hey, you can't block it off. I actually think genuinely and I'm looking I'm the wedding will be better than the stag. I'm looking forward to Carl's wedding more than the stag even though the stag is going to be great. We're going to Istanbul. Oh nice for the wedding. No for the stag. Oh you see. That's got to be a pure best behavior stag

though right. Carl is the best behavior he's a bit of a gimp. Yeah. I don't want no bullshit. Did I ever tell you about the stag I organized last year in Benidorm? No. Where I created a currency and an economy for the, he hated it. This sounds cool. He had a terrible time and it didn't go on well, so win for me.

Go on. I basically took every belonging off him, down to his contact lenses, his braces, like his Invisalign, like everything off him, right? And then give everybody these cards that were currency on one side, like a five or a three quid or whatever. And on the other side, it's a dare that he could choose to do. And it would be something like steal a chip off a strange ass plate, claim into one side of a taxi and claim out the other. But there was fucking hundreds to choose from. And I basically made it so if he done all of the days, he can get all of his stuff back. If he does some of the days, he can get some of the stuff back. So he has to put himself

through humiliation to get the currency to buy things back, which are locked in a room. It's a nightmare. It was, it was his nightmare. He had a terrible time. He referred to it as Guantanamo Bay. I was like, you didn't have to do any of the days. You could have just spent the day because as well I had, I had his phone and wallet on quite a high price. You have to do like the equivalent of about 15 days to get even with those things because then you can just buy shit. Yeah, that's what I'd be doing. I'd be just go, buy all my new clothes then. Yeah. Well that's what took his wallet off him. So you'd need to do enough days to get your wallet back. Sounds good. In Istanbul, we get beheaded.

Get beheaded. You know, guys, sing the national anthem through the call for prayer. Who is this guy? Was this one of your old mates? Matty, Jolly Lad. Right, right, right. Cause there's not all lads are gonna accept the terms

of this stag art, do you know what I mean? Yeah. It sounds like some of the boys from Blythe. He told me that I'd made the perfect stag do for myself. He was like, if that stag do was for you, you would have nailed that. You would have relished in doing all of them days. There's a couple of lads on there

that would have been the same. But he was like, for me, that was fucking hell. I just want to run the golf. What are you making me your best man for? Have you been best man twice? Were you the fastest best man? I'm coming up six. Six? That's how you know you're a good guy. One lad was married twice. So when I said you get one card, you actually get two. I know, you come up to five then. That's why I'm disclaimering. Six with an asterisk five. OK, so for five people, but six weddings.

That's good going that, you know, I'm happy with that. That makes us feel joy in my heart. You know, you make a lovely. You must be lovely. You know what? You've met him, you know. I know. I'm glad I got to see you. You must be lovely.

He says the man he's known for 10 years. I mean as like an everyday friend. I water the gardens of my friendships. I'm in constant communication with my pals. It's not all men do. I'm there for them if they need us. I'm there to ruin the stag do's if they ask. I'm good at organising stuff because I can collect aviose points if I book stuff on mass. So it's really in my best interest to book 10 hotel rooms.

I'm going to get air mails for that. If you've got like two good mates, it's a deal break. I like you can make a good speech. So like it's probably stopped a couple of them sitting on the fence with who to choose in the fact that they can have a stand up comedian day, do the speech. There's probably a a couple of them sitting on the fence with who to choose in the fact that they can have a stand-up comedian They do the speech. Yeah, there's probably a little bit of that Have you not felt a lot of pressure much more pressure as a stand-up comedian doing the speeches than before I was Yeah doing a speech because before I was it was just like cheaty guys getting the fucking cuz I'm so conscious of that

But you're wedding. Yeah, everyone's so confident. You're gonna smash it. He's kind of gonna do a speech as well He's gonna run the event. Dan's marrying him. It is. He's the minister. You're hosting it. That's gonna be class. That's gonna be so good. Always the MC.

Hands proper shaking. Like just the slossers and Matties got married in quick succession, two of my best mates. Hand proper trembling, holding the sheet. I didn't feel that nervous, but I looked at my hand holding the sheet, fucking room, like loads of comics in the room and that's like, like the families there. So you're playing to two different rooms and like, um, Matty married into an Indian family. So I'm just

like, I want to make the comic friends laugh, but also want to be accepted by me as family. So you just got to get the appropriateness and the over the heads of some people. You've got to get that right. The trick you want to play. Have you got it wrong yet? Do you best man's speech? Have you said something like, nah, nah, I've got, I've getting it right. I've getting it right every time so far. Put that was the only time I feel like I've dropped the ball as best man when the best man didn't enjoy a stag. Like he didn't enjoy it at all because you punished them because I punished them. But like to me, I'd fucking play, I had laminated cards for the currency and everything.

So much thought went into it. Yeah, you've designed a brilliant stag and then sort of made it for the wrong person. Wrong person, that's exactly what happened. Like if we turn up in Istanbul and went, hey, we've got all your stuff, took your clothes. Like I honestly think you'd be on a flight back from Istanbul.

Do you wanna see the list of the dates? I'll do any though. Yeah. Would that be too much of a thing to read out? Should I go and get me phone and you can have a look at the- We can do that, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I'm not trying to pay- I would do anything though. What? You know that there's not much in public that I wouldn't do. So if I bought into it, I'd do it. But it's probably a 50-50. But on the stack, I'd probably just go, fuck, I'm not gonna be here again. All right, okay. Cause my worry would be if I bought into it, I'd do it. But it's probably a 50-50. But on the stag I'd probably just go, fuck it, I'm not going to be a game.

All right, okay. Cause my worry would be if I'd have went, hey, I'm thinking of doing this for Carl's stag. That you are so, your conviction of opinion or like, you know, when you go, I'm not doing that. I can get back in. I think there'd be a risk you go, lads you either stop this right now. No, no, I think I'd be fair. I think I'd play the game. If it was just that.

Obviously Carl's stag is just gonna be really nice and good. There's gotta be a couple of things where he's like, oh. Yeah, there will be and actually kind of want to do some because I also relished that as well sometimes. Little people strippers. Right, okay. Basically what happened is the I've got this list of days. I've checked the ones that he actually did when he was on the stag. So

there's a bunch of them that he didn't they that you gotta look through and they're actually quite easy. Some of them. Okay. Cause they choose your own adventure. Carl let's have a decide on whether you do this because he's a person that nurses his paint. Right. So it was five pounds per day because he's a man who nurses his paint. Right. I'm like, you're never going to have to buy a paint. Everybody in this group with 20 people, they'll each buy you a paint. But there's got a card where you get three quid every time they buy you a paint. So like you come up to me again, can I have me paint now? You get them a paint and you give them three quid.

That goes. You can buy stuff back with that shots. Two quid. So everybody gets your pain. Everybody gets your shot. You're not nursing your drinks anymore because you need the money. That's a good system. You're getting paid to drink. I mean, I put so much thought into this. Like I fucking worked out the economy on like how easy he could have it and how hard he could have it depending on how he chose his adventure.

I thought what he would do is get people, everybody's got an envelope, like seven days in, you'd get them to put it down and go, and definitely not doing that. Definitely not doing that. Keep that one. I'm going to think of doing these three. I thought thought he would be measured he dug his heels in and went I fucking hate this. I hate it. I definitely wouldn't do that I'm fair game when it comes to having a laugh. And then there was a couple of lads that thought the game was I've got to force you to do it

and I hit the gun to them look you're not forcing them to do shit he comes to you he chooses that he right I want to brush my teeth I want my toothpaste what's the easiest day that you've got here? So have a look. I thought that was one of the days then. Before you even started, there could be a massive like planning meeting about this. Like if I was him and I was like, right,

we've got to think about this tactically. There could be a good hour in a pub just sort of weighing up what we do. It's a great stag do for the right pace. This is a great stag do. I honestly think it's a good business idea. My wife wanted to make it a game that you could sell. Yeah, because this is fucking stag monopoly.

So these are five pound days. Here's the ones he did. So beat a guest of your choice in a hundred meter sprint. That made him sick. That was actually, you chose the fat lad, beat him and spewed up everywhere because he'd done it straight after his paila. Show a girl how many one-handed press ups you can do.

He can't do any, but he would have to go watch this. I'll do that. Order food in English using a racist Spanish accent. I mean, I could do that. Blow a raspberry on a fat man's belly. Did he have to ask permission for that or just go up and do it? He just did it with one of the guests.

He did it with one of his mates. Steal a light bulb from a bar, okay? Acquire a pair of knickers, got that done. Do a hole of golf with a golf ball in your mouth. Fuck that. Pour a glass of water over one of the lads. Class. Line up all of the lads and put them in order of who you find the most to least attractive. How much was that worth?

Oh, Carl would love doing that. After this last? I think he had it in for us. Smell a girl's hair. Fucking Biden. Ask a dog walker how old their dog is and when they tell you say, hot. Ask a dog walker how old their dog is. And when they tell you say, hot. I do all these on a special.

This is just call. What was the wild cards? Wild cards is the ones that you have to do. Otherwise you're bankrupt and I take your money off you. So you can't say no, but any money that you've accumulated and not spent, I take off you. Okay.

Wow. Swap clothes with can, drink down your drink, drop and give me 20 press ups. Do take off here. Okay. Swap clothes with can drink down your drink, drop and give me 20 press ups. Do that there again. Uh, sit under the table for 10 minutes. Show me your cock. Oh, they'd be such a good time to use that down one of the large drinks of my choice where my rooms outfit for two hours. Oh yeah, so everybody, every room had an outfit to put them in and basically it was a wild card to wear the thing.

So there was like a Jimmy Savile outfit. Like each room of mates that were like bundled into one room, they had like choice of what this. So here's some more that he didn't do that I just, I'm gonna pick some of your favorites off the list you've got. So borrow a condom off a stranger. Borrow?

What, are you giving it back? Ask a bouncer nicely for a little kiss on the cheek. One thing I want to add as well is it was up to the person given the dare, whether he'd executed it to the standards. So, some people were quite lenient with like how like other people would get, no, you've got to try harder. That's not enough. Ask a random bloke if he needs help putting his suntan lotion on, take after shave out with you and spend 10 minutes in the toilet, saying freshen up for the poonani to people as they come in, cut eye holes in a newspaper and walk up to the sunbathing girls on the beach and look at them through it.

That had to be a high free, like a high currency one. Spend an hour with your clothes. All five, I just made them all a five. I say you could just choose. Spend an hour with your clothes on back to front, shoes on the wrong feet and sunglasses upside down. Poo somewhere that isn't a toilet. I do that accidentally.

I haven't seen that. Start a conga, six or more people in the line. Where was the one I've seen before? I just went past it. Spit up in the air and catch it in your mouth, Kai. He didn't have to do it. It is spit. You don't have to do any of these things.

Enjoy your holiday in your underpants. Spit, spit, spit. Oh, so we didn't, the way we started him off was in a skin-colored hot pants and a T-shirt, you know, that looked ripped. Like it looks like you've got a six pack and pecs. So you just look naked. It was like skin-tone clothes.

So he didn't start naked, but that's all he had. See, my worst nightmare is showing you see a stag, and they're like, oh, he's got clogs on and a pink wig. For me, put like jeans that don't really fit on and shoes I don't like. You know, they got me on my stag, it was like one person's job to dress me, and they'd done like a charity shop dress.

It was actually Milo McCabe, because everybody had a specific role of like what I had to drink or what I had to eat or what I was wearing on me, workout. Like in there were just like forcing this thing. I was kind of class cause I was just living like a child. Like I didn't have to make any decisions. Um, but Milo had just like made us look like almost like I was in fancy dress, but like I could be just dressed like that. Yeah. So that's what I did to my mate, Matt. It all fit him. Like it was all his size, but it was gross. But it

was like a white silk waistcoat, pink tie, really bad shirt. His like leathery trousers. But it looked like he was like, yeah, I'm a goon and this is what I wear. Yeah. I just looked too unfashionable in it. It was like a disaster if I got separated from him. I put Adam in like boot cuts and like a pair of like half model shoes. You could just honestly just put Adam in Paul Smith. Just put Adam in my clothes. You'd be absolutely horrified. No, I like your G line. Uh, watch an entire episode of selling sunset and give us a full breakdown of the episode. They're going weird. Go to the bar and suck your thumb until you get saved. Rummage through an outdoor bin for something

you can use and use it for its intended purpose. And here's my favourite one. Bleed. Oh my god. Well, let's say cut yourself a bleed, but like if he does end up bleeding you can go, who's got the bleed one? And fucking look at this. We could do this as a special. We, that, that. I think we should do this. Oh my God. I'll just call it, Kai Day. Kai, Kai, would you run for us?

Would you come and be on one of our specials? You could be the banker. If we do your stag, like you've obviously gone and you love this guy, but it didn't quite work out as a stag. What if we made this happen as a special? And who would we use? I think we'd have to rotate for it. Say we got away for three days or whatever, we'd have to rotate who was doing it that day. So it can't just be one person. It could be all of us.

And what we'll do is, so I think we'll do it maybe in teams and then individually. Whoever banks the least money on the last day has to do with ridiculous forfeit. Yeah. All right. So you wouldn't you wouldn't be like trying to get the pot for your for your clothes back and your toothpaste back and necessities. You'd just be trying to get more money than the other team. Yeah. I like that a lot. I think this is a discussion to be had off pod, but I like it. Anyone want to go to Benidorm? Oh my I love that. I think this is a discussion to be had off pod, but I like it. Anyone want to go Benidorm? Oh my I I love that. I think be fucking great two teams

Okay, got it. Yeah, I got a comb guys the bunker. Yeah, so we need another team member I was in make them a team as well guys. Is it we're not doing a three and a three Okay, discuss this. I love it. So it's all three people are trying to get through the days as a three? We'll figure this out as we I think we've got some kinks to iron out. There'll be some kinks to iron out. But I think the Stag do special, even though it's not a Stag do. Yeah, the Stag do special. One of us is getting married soon. The pseudo stag do special. Yeah. Oh, let's go call a car stag do if you want. No. Should have a proper one. I'll have the proper one as well. All the days are there written.

We've got it. We've got it. It's like, it's ready to go. I'm very interested. You might have to open it because we do do shit anyway. We've probably done half of them for a lot. You know what? I figured out the economy on that based on like what he would need and what he would want and like what was essentials and luxuries and stuff. But like there could be another way of looking at it go where you go, right, that one's a two quid one. That one's a three quid one.

That one's five quid. Oh yeah, that's what we have to split up. So you could go through all them and you could, everyone could vote on how much each one's worth. And then you could just do a race to the highest currency. Yeah. Do that. Break time. And it includes boozing. I tell you who's good on tour, Kyle Humphries. Oh is he not? I'm going everywhere as well, let's say everywhere. The UK tour is relatively contained, most the major cities, but then I'm going off to Europe and I'm going to do most capital cities in Europe and a couple of little side quests

as well. So it's going to be a proper journey. Doing Bradford? I'm not doing Bradford. I'm starting in Bristol. I'm going to Bath. Coventry? Not doing Coventry, but Leicester's on there.

Exeter? Not doing Exeter, you know what? Maybe not all the major cities in the UK. I'm doing Chelmsford. I'm obviously doing Newcastle a few times. Glasgow. Going back to Edinburgh even though we've done a fringe festival there. We're going back to perform to Scottish people instead of tourists, which is always nice. Late and buzzard.

Nah, come to Liverpool but Manchester. Where are you doing Liverpool? Hot water? Yes, which I've never been in the new venue yet so that'll be my first time. I'm doing it tonight. Oh yeah. I'm back there a few times before the, I haven't done it loads, I've only done it like three or four times maybe since it opened but I'm doing it quite a bit before the end of the

year. I need to get down there. I uh yeah where can people get tickets for the whole tour? My website's got all of them on www.kyhumphreys.com. Who still says www.? I always say www.. Is that on the worldwide web? Two W's. Oh yeah it is yeah.kyhumphees.com. I have a link. Yeah, so all of the gigs are on there because obviously Live Nation's doing the UK but you'll not find the European dates on that. So my website.

And having just had Kai on a couple of my Fiend shows, I can, yeah, you're on unbelievable form at the moment. Cheers, mate. Your stuff is fucking brilliant. I am really enjoying this batch of new material. I think that's the nicest thing about doing a new tour is you get a new batch of shit that you can use and you get a new lease of life and you just get a spring in your legs again as a comic.

I'm so bored of the hour I've just done and it's a really good hour and I'm really proud of it and the special looks and sounds great and is on the way for people to keep asking every three days. There's a lot of messages to me on Instagram every like few, like twice a week just going, Hey lad, any news on your special? I'm like, like, come on. Like I've never once accepted this message request. What do you think the 17th time? Which is, which is really, it's like, it's nice because he really wants to see a special. It's amazing. And it makes me feel

bad for like being like about someone who's clearly like one of the biggest fans in the world. But it's just like, just, I won't announce a new special via DM. Like you'll see the post. You'll know about it. I'll sing it from the rooftops if there's something to be seen. Like you didn't miss it. Yeah. Messaging me for the, but I'm sorry. Cause I need to start some new stuff. I've booked a four night running at the Jack around there to just start again where I can do as long as I want. And I start again tonight.

I've got some new bits I'm going to try a hot water and some very old bits that I'm going to try and clip. Yeah. Nice. It's nice as well when you, you go in with an idea for a bit and the laughs came to come in different places to what you're expecting. So you start expanding different bits, like growing, growing the material. Sometimes by the time it's finished and ready to tour, it looks nothing like the thing that

you started with. Yeah. But like just having the fucking, just stepping out of your comfort zone from doing Trident's tested stuff that you know is working to get on stage in front of an audience and thinking this might not go down that well. And then growing it to stuff that like eventually smashes. I end up with too much. I front of an audience and thinking this might not go down that well and then grown at a stuff that like eventually smashes. I end up with too much. I always have an idea and I overcomplicate it and muddle my way through it and there'll be one big life or and it will in its first 10, 15 tries will go down to that because I'll go, hang on. That wasn't really funny. That's the funny bit and then it builds back out from there. Yes. I love that.

You boil it down and then initial first laugh is unbelievable. Then you tighten it up and then it grows and evolves. It's so subtle getting the tone of a bit right as well. Where sometimes if you just get the tone wrong, you can come across mean-spirited when you're actually trying to be tongue in cheek and you just have to run it through a couple of times just to get the tone of that bit right, especially if it's contentious. Yeah. And I think the audience can pick up if you're not a hundred percent what, where the footing is, you know, when you know a bit, you're like, no, no, no, no, trust me, I've got it. Yeah. I know where this is going. I think a nervy crowd can pick up when you're like, you don't know what you're on about. And you're like, no. Going off notes is all right for your memory, but if you're

doing a bit that needs momentum and you're looking at notes in the middle of it and it'll lose, the momentum is more important than getting the words right sometimes. I talked to you in Newcastle. Do you just need to drill it? And I might try this for the first time in fucking years. But when you've got a bit working that you've tried on,

so you're taking your notebook, you've had your idea, you work through it in the spoken word in a conversational style, then you get it working, then you write it out to try and like add to it or yeah like almost like finesse it. I've never done that before. Yeah, because I write it out after I've done it out loud. Like I'll get I'll have bullet points and notes and then I'll hard write it like because obviously I write like a fucking I speak a lot better in my head and on like on the page. Like if I just wrote the way I talk, it would just be like red and green squiggly lines all the way down the page. And I'll gone through writing

correct and all them. And I'm not going to speak the Queen's English as I read out this thesis that I've just wrote. Like I need to sound like me. But you try it on stage from just the bullet points. Yeah. Get it working. Yeah. Or maybe have like short notes or little lines. So say, I just take little notes on my phone and then I'll kind of copy the notes on, notes off my phone on a page document and print that out. So I've got my phone notes, but like as a coherent thing, that isn't interspersed with all that phone notes.

Like, so there's all my phone notes there and I'll kind of do it off that first. I think I could tell you like the stuff about Natalie with the Quran. I can see that there's real writing gone on and I just I was blown away in call out. Yeah that was a it's nice as well when like something happens in life that you can go right. That's a story that I don't need to write down to tell. I can tell that story as it happens. But then once you've told the story a few times, you add punch lines and you add little bits to it. Cause you're like, I know how this story goes. So I don't need to flex my memory on remembering

the words I've wrote down. I mean, I'd love a 10 minute bit at the moment. I remember there was one point years ago, I had two 10 minute bits and I just rolled in. Like I didn't have to write anything down. I just went Kevin Hart and then fucking student neighbors. That was my whole set list. Cause I'd managed to just grow them out.

And the confidence when you're like, I know this ends funny, it starts funny, it's got a middle, and then all of a sudden you just add in big laughs all the way through it. I see. What happened with Juicy, with my last special? I was like, I'm just gonna tell this story and then figure out how to make it funny

as I'm telling it again and again. And my plan was to really shrink it down. It was Alfie Brown who was like, that's gonna get longer, not shorter because every detail in it is necessary. And there's just not quite enough punch lines yet. So it can only get longer from where it is. And he was right, it went from 40 to an hour.

And but it's an example of what you're talking about where it's just like, I don't have to punch this. Like I don't have to create a fake bit of this story because the story, you would tell the story in a pub anyway and people would enjoy it and like it and laugh and whatever. So it's, there's no artifice to the end of it. You don't have to be like, and then bam, this happened.

Hey, when it obviously didn't. Like when you've got a story that just works on its own and you would just tell it in a pub and it doesn't need a forced end. Yeah, also like putting the, like I respect people that do but putting the back, putting the back bone in first and that's what the show's about and then I add the jokes. What I tend to do is like get me thoughts out.

Like I say notes on my phone, little spots on stage get all my thoughts out and look at them and try and rearrange them into a way that's coherent and go like ask me some left out. I've dug all of these little bits out of my own subconscious. Now what, what's it about? And you can kind of add what it's about after you've got all the parts. So like it started off with this one where it's, it's Calgalavanting and it's about traveling. And I've got all these like stories from places I've been around the world and immersing myself in other cultures and like marrying into a Muslim family and

having a Ukrainian living in me house. And I eventually realized that, I eventually realized that like my worldview has completely changed from the small town blive lad who might have been fucking reading a Gregg's if I'd just read the news and stayed in me. Like to the fact that I've immersed myself in the world and I've got a much broader worldview. And it's like a lot of my opinions come out in me stand-up and based on the experiences I've had traveling and the education I've had because I was let down by the education system I didn't have a good run at school but I feel like I've learned a lot from just being a fucking citizen of the world and I feel like that came out in me show where I was like all right

this is actually where I'm getting all my opinions from is from just having my eyes open when I've been traveling. Yeah, yeah. Nice. I've got a fiend show on Wednesday, Wednesday the 2nd of October. I'm playing the Southport Comedy Festival. Mike Rice, Eshaan Akbar, Dean Coughlin and myself. Great.

It's like well worth a shout. We've sold 250 tickets. It'd be nice to sell a few more. Hey, they- I'll be watching Bologna that night. They were so fun, the fiend shows that- Bolog Carlisle. I've been speaking to my agent about adding a Carlisle date to the tour by the time this comes out so hopefully Carlisle will be on that list. We've shouted out the old fire station in Carlisle a few times but it's unbelievable. You were part of one of the best

shows I've ever done in New a venue that is, man. Yeah, the Newcastle one, that was fucking so good. It was stacked. And then we had a belt night out after. And I woke up like, how the fuck I got back to bed? I don't know. But you know, when you wake up in bed and you're going, fucking sweet, man.

This could have been anywhere in the world that I woke up. And it's fucking in bed. That was you getting me home on Sunday night. I appreciate it. Have you got anything that you would that I woke up and it's fucking in bed. That was you getting me home on Sunday night. Appreciate it. Have you got anything that you would like to put into room 102? Yes.

To just disappear from human existence for all of time. Right, I do bits on this, but I'm not gonna bit you. I'm just gonna throw it in there and we'll put it in room 102. You can do bits, mate. We don't mind it. Double barreled second names. They have to stop. They've only got one generation of shelf life because if you've got a double

barreled second name then you have a child. Then you have to do the same. It's exponential. Yes. They just ended up with the longest. End up with a fucking sick because it would go. Does anyone do that? Has anyone got sick, because it would go, it would go. Does anyone do that? Has anyone got like a quad surname? Well it's one generation away from that because we've got the generation of adults now who we've got like Calvert Lewin's. I'm going to end up beating you here. I thought Calvert Lewin as well. Yeah. Cause I use Calvert Lewin and Parker Bowles in me bit to squish together as a quadruple.

Cause it's the poshest combination of four that I could think of to put together. And then you've, so then you've got four and then you would have 16. It doesn't just go double treble quadruple. It goes exponential. So it has to stop after one generation. It's, it's a selfish as fuck move by the parents because you're making a compromise. I am starting to beat you now. You're doing a compromise that suits both of the parents, but it encompasses the child. So where the child can't do what the parents did, it stops there. We're talking about this because obviously, I mean, we're getting married, but she's keeping her name and then we're not planning to have kids. We're like, if we do, what do we do? Well, I think you have to have a discussion and choose one. Because she wants to keep her name going.

And I get that. I love the philosophy of it. It's progressive. It's questioning a social norm. That's where we have inquiry. But my name is already being kept going by the people of my family. We've got my old kids. But then there's also... Well, not that you may even ask, but like... There's a little bit of emasculation to it though,

where you feel like... Off course there is. You feel like she's got down on one knee and proposed to you. You're like, you're breaking a tradition here that makes me look like. Well, I said she went, she went, we'll have a frisbee Glen. I went, yeah, why are you so happy? I went, cause one of them always get spewed and it'll be the middle one. Like the lad we know took one of them because you couldn't be asked being double-barreled. Yeah. Sometimes they just make it part of the middle names. Don't they? Like it's not even double,. That's the thing that people do. It's basically the wealthy, isn't it? If you

like not to have a go at Will Hutchby, but he's posher than we realize. And he's got so many fucking middle names. There is a, there is like an aristocratic thing of like, you just start whacking in heritage names in there. Do you think that's not the same as double barrel? Is it? You know, when you've got the Portuguese, or not Portuguese, the Brazilians that have got like really long names and then they just boil it down to Ronaldo or Fred. Oh, pick a name.

Do you think what they've done is just got fucking out of hand with the way they name their kids and gone, well, fuck this, just call them Ronaldo. Yeah, yeah, sure. Yeah, because it is... I do think that's what it is. Yeah, I think it's got to go in room 102 because it's fucking up a system It's like the system's broken the minute you go one generation further than the double barrel

See we're talking about it. I'm not massively into it But then I'm like she because we'll both be stubborn and go well, I want my name and she'll say well I want mine. Yeah compromises. So the compromise suit you and her you can go you can both go right. We've just agreed on this, but think if your child's perspective, grown up with that name and then they meet the double-barreled second name partner, what conversation do they have to have to come to the same compromise that you did? Do they pick it? Yeah. Do you pick one of each of the names? Do you go, I'm going to have dad's name and you're going to have mam's and then all of a sudden you've done it? By the of how you win this argument by the way, you fucking use this. You say no. So like it would ruin the kids opportunities to do the same thing.

It's super selfish. And when, when it's a 50 50 split, you go with tradition and you win. Yeah, but we're not traditionalist in the slightest. You are though. No, you wish you weren't, but you are. You're having two weddings, one's in Italy and it's a full fucking big bastard swat wedding. No, we're not traditionalist in any way, shape or form.

Is there a way to make one name out of the two? Fregla. Or just Rith? I've got friends who say they're of Fox and Woods and they're getting married in Fox Woods would be a good one name, double bowel, second name. So if you've got an opportunity to just merge your names, that would be the best. I just want to genuinely suggested to Laura cause she was like, I'm taking your name. I was like, I know, but there's a, there's a history to that in there. And I'm like, I'd be happy to have the conversation. She was like, I know, but there's a, there's a history to that in there. And I'm like, I'd be happy to have the conversation.

She was like, no, but then the amalgamated names, that's a new level of wanking it. Although she, I'm nightingale. She's Ross. And it would have been night Ross, night Ross, night Ross, night Ross, class, Danny night Ross, lad. An overdose with the weight trust. That'd be your kids. That's a balloons in it. When you take Ross, that'd be your kids. That's balloons. And when you take balloons,

that's not Rosengel Ross and girls Ross and Gill and night Ross. That's two different sides of the tracks that suburb of like Lancashire. It was a rushing girl. Rob Re Riley run a gig there? He fucking definitely does. Okay. Even though we're having to maybe, I mean, again, kids aren't on the calendar, but I agree they are a bit wonky, aren't they? I think Frithl is really good. I think we'll let's go back to the, the Nordic way of doing it. Where it'll be Carlson. Yeah. Cause he's my son. I think we should just fight for it. So shut up. Just call it, just call your kid Romario and get on with it. Just give him one name. There's no, there's no real obvious fix for it without breaking tradition.

Yeah. Cause the world changes and the girls are like, I don't want to lose my name. Cause yeah, which I'm fine with. They have to change their signature, which is something I didn't even consider going into it. But Natalie, all of a sudden her signature is different. Like I've never had to go through that. I never had to get married and then practice a new signature. She's actually got it. She's actually got a broken finger at the minute. She broke her finger playing dodgeball. Humphphreys as a motherfucker. I'm going to put it there. I'm going to put a broken finger down. She plays dodgeball

with me. Do you know that? That's cool. She's done her finger. Your missus plays dodgeball. She was with patches or hula hand and took a span out of her. Why don't you pick a brand new name? Yeah, I was thinking. Like just out of the book. You could be anything. Because her, uh, I made a name that could have been in thinking just out of the book. You could be anything because her I made name that could have been in their family, but the woman chose to not take it was Panther, which I've said before. No, what? Serika could have been Serika said,

said his name could have been Serika Valentine Panther. Wow. You can't do that by the way. You can't become Carl Panther. I'll never look at the same again. I will call panther. I have a sick sense a panther. That is a sex offending dojo in it. Row. It's all become the row Mario but just with the best bit. Mario. You're not Italian. Row and Mario. No.

Hang on, do you know what? I say yes. I'll get home later. I'll say to Seneca, right, we're getting married. And we're having this contentious thing about today's names. Let's choose the name Row. And then I'll voice record their reaction.

Please do. My mother's maiden name was Jordan. And I feel like if my name was Kai Jordan, I would have definitely become an athlete. Nothing could have stopped us becoming an athlete if my name was Kai Jordan, I would have definitely become an athlete. They could, nothing could have stopped us becoming an athlete if I was called Kai Jordan. Sounds like you also have a breakfast show on Capitol. Yeah.

Hey, I'm back with Kai Jordan. Oh no, oh no, you've made me. This is tribe time with Kai Jordan. I think you're just thinking of Michael Jordan and he's so much bigger and blacker than you are. I don't think it's just saying that. Jump man. Looks like he cries orange juice.

Have you seen his eyes? No. What? It looks like he cries, can't be sure. The whites of his eyes are orange. Are they? Yeah. Our family, before it was colourvers, that when everyone had to change their name

about a hundred years ago was Zingal. So I'd have been Finley Zingal. You wasn't? You wasn't the guy with the job. Yeah. Fin Zingal. He wasn't? Finley Zingle? He wasn't the kind of job. Yeah. Fin Zingle. Yeah. He's certainly a game changer.

You're wearing a sparkly jacket with that one. Fin Zingle. Zingler. Let's just keep saying words. Fin Zingle. If I took Natalie's name it would have been Kai Ling, which does sound like Chinese. Sounds like an emperor, doesn't it? Kai Ling.

Kai Ling. My mum's name is Handley. It's not very fun. Adam Handley. Adam Handley. Adam Handley. Sounds like a normal name. Sound insurance that guy.

Sharples. Sound insurance that. None of our secret questions are mothers made names before you go, I'm going to hack this fucking MySpace, lads. Actually, one of my hair might be bleeped out. Yeah, what's the name of your first pet? Sparks. Sparks Hanley Sanjay is going to solve the case. You had a first Sanjay.

You had a pet called Sanjay. You've got a whole time as you said this. Yeah. Lots. I know. Does it get in? It's going in. It goes in. That was a long one.

Do you know why it goes in? Because Calvert-Lewin's shit. That'll be in Newcastle soon. Alexander-Arnold's good though. Yeah and it's a good name innit? That's better than either Alexander or Arnold. Trent Arnold, he'd be shite afoot of him. Trent Alexander?

He'd be alright. He sounds like he plays for the fucking plays lower league I'm a British Alexander Arnold, I was a fucking it's a cool name. Have you got any more? Yeah I want to put star signs in for the simple fact. I'm cancer the crab and that just fuck off Fuck off. We can't see the crab. You can't have like oh, I'm a scorpion. I'm a lion. Oh, I'm a crab What's your name cancer? So you fucking age the mudskipper. It's like it was a fucking decent one. Oh, I'm a scorpion, I'm a lion, I'm a crab, what's your name? Cancer. Fucking AIDS the mudskipper. It's like give us a fucking decent one or I'm not playing, I'm taking my bow home. I'm not buying into your astrology because you give me cancer crab.

You know, they do actually matter, you know. Well, yeah, give us the bear or something, give us something that's cool sounding. So you want to put yours in? Like I'm cancering. and give us something that's cool. So you want to put yours in cancer in the cancer and room on her too, but not the illness, the illness that's keeping the population down and pro cancer, but the star saying get in the bin. Yeah. I used to be in the horoscopes in the newspaper and then try and make it happen. This is when I was like 11. Was that what was his name? Russell someone at Russell? The guy

Russell Russell Grant. He was your guy. Wasn't he? The star sign guy, the big, the big, the big the big camp one. I don't know. Mine was Mystic Meg. I think I think he was the next big one. I think Russell Grant was more like late eighties. It was like newspaper mine was Mystic Meg I think. I think he was the next big one. I think Russell Grant was more like late 80s early 90s. Russell Grant was like newspaper, print. Mystic Meg was as well wasn't she? She did the lottery? What? She did the lottery? Aye. Oh did she do star signs as well? Yeah she used to tell me every day what I was going to have for me then and then. I think she started doing that. Is that not your mum? What? Is that not your mum? What's your star sign though? Capricorn. Capricorn. And there's a million women watching this now going he's such a Capricorn. There's loads of people going Kai's such a cancer. Imagine

a fucking star sign, are yours is more neurons? I don't want that one. Pisces. Pisces Mr. Nightingale. No, I'm a Sagittarius. Of course you are. I just want someone in the comments to go, oh my God, he's such a Sagittarius. I'm a Pisces. What a baggish, I love tuna. What are you, Finn? We've done this before I'm on the cast, I'm too, depending on who reads it. Virgo and Libra. Oh, you can actually straddle them. Can you? Yeah. Yeah. Is it not like on the stroke of midnight? Yeah. Full fortunes change. It's in a way or second later. Yeah. It's like Cinderella. A hundred percent. You can have that one in Cai. Have you got one more? Can we keep rolling? I'm going to that one. I don't know if this is too like

Vega thing, but you know, when you go to your friend's house and that toilet seat doesn't stay up. It flops down. Yeah. Yeah. I've called a friend into the toilet to hold the toilet seat up for as well. I've pissed because I'm like, this is your problem. Why is it my problem? You're not coming to ours. The only good thing if it's not, if it's a slightly slow closing one, you can play the game. And then we had a couple of seconds and then start pissing through the hole. Do you know if I, if I go to someone's house and they have one of those seats that won't stay up, I just, I piss and if it touches the seat, I'm leaving it there and not wiping

it up. That's your time. Everything about that. You've, you've, you've given up a little bit as well. Like I think if the, if your toilet isn't staying up for a piss, that means you've just resigned yourself to sitting down pissing which you know what knee harming that you want to fucking scroll through your socials have a sit down but not every single piss have the option of the quick one you're not even giving yourself the option of the quick piss. After 11pm I feel like it's a useful sit down piss I'm not ready to give myself up to all those just shit.

But man always give yourself the option of sitting down or standing up never just resign to your fate because of a dodgy love yourself man fix Fix your toilet seat. Fix your toilet seat. Fix your fucking toilet seat. One of the first thing. Just day at the minute you get out of bed, guy, and that fucking toilet seat is fucking being in my life. I'm embarrassed in front of me guests. I'm fixing that immediately. That's a perfect room 102 by the way. Never ever thought of it, but I do despise that. Absolutely. Yeah, all well, we're here. These, these fucking bottle lids. No, I like them now. I like them. I've done a complete one. Let us tell you why. It's like having a fucking string on your mittens. So you have a string for your mittens at your top. Ah,

you won't drop your mittens, but I'm a grown ass man. I'll fucking keep holding me on. Thanks. But it means when you go to the match, you get your cap on you. And you don't lose your mittens. But it means when you go the match, you get your cap on your, and you don't lose your mittens. Oh, do they not take them off? Don't take it off no more. No. I got a bottle of it. Cause the other day I kept a couple of them.

When do they do it gigs? Cause they always used to take the lid off. If we're going to be tampering with the lids on stuff, why didn't we get a Coke can that can open, spin run and pop shut? Why can't you just pop open your Coke can open, spin round and pop shut? What? Why can't you just pop open your Coke can and then get the lid that you've just opened, spin it round and pop a shut? Why is that not a thing? Why we're fucking on with that when there's a real problem that can be resolved immediately?

You know when you said before the education system failed, yeah? It's so right because I think if you'd had a proper education, you'd have made that by now and the world would be such a better place. Yeah. A billion. That's a great idea, but you've got absolutely zero My input to the world is putting it out there on fucking podcasts hoping somebody does it. Hope someone just fucking has the drive to do that. Have you ever seen Tom Segura's bit about his cousin who just claims to invent stuff all the time. But it's just

like the idea. Like he never actually does exactly what you just do. He's just like, just invented that. It's like you haven't, you've just come up with an impossible idea. My little brother is exactly the same. Oh yeah, you're Jack. My dad prof, he didn't invent it. He prophesied Netflix when we were on the video shop. Like, what was it? Video World, the one before Blockbuster. I don't know, I'm just Blockbuster. blockbuster blockbuster. I'm 41. Is that good? No, that was a good reaction. That's sweet. You do look good for 41. I must feel good. That's your only two years. There you go. That was

always coming back around. I could feel it. I could feel it. Come on man! You're the resident. Take him into the fucking woodshed and shoot him in the head. But you, Kai, not half bad. I'm losing my hair a little bit, like I'm clinging on a little bit. Are you?

Kai, you're 20. How old are you, honey? I can't believe Kai just heard that. Like we're basically slagging that off via him and he's like, Hey Dan, it's not all good. I'm losing my hair. So that could be your dad, like biologically. That's 17 years. No, we can't. So I've been in the video shop with my dad like many years back and he was like, do you know one day we'll be able to just choose which film we want to watch off with TV, you know, you'll be able to just watch it.

Yeah, shut up you mad old bastard. He sounded like a fucking dreamer. Now get a Short Circuit 2. Fucking great Friday night. I love Blockbuster. Yeah, I love renting the games, me. That was... I used to love paying the fines, that was fun, wasn't it?

That was good when you're like, hey, do you remember when you've rented this for 395. Can I have 22 quid you dickhead? You know, do you not miss buying people music and films and stuff as well? I bought from the Kenny Rogers CD, they didn't fucking use it. Christmas was a piece of piss when you had to buy people music and films It's outside. I waved the shop and he went get me a surprise So I got a McKenney Rogers vinyl and he hasn't taken it home yet. No. Oh, yeah from shop and he went get me a surprise. So I got him a Kenny Rogers vinyl and he hasn't taken it home yet? No. Oh yeah, from my parents when you were like a teenager. Like it was your third present was a CD. Yeah. Now 42. Do you remember the first song you either bought or had bought for you? Like the first single? Right. Out

here bruvahs. Moo moo moo. And then he said you say we're all, we're all. That's a soundtrack of Arnie. You want to sing our version? Yeah yeah, we'll give you some man. The first CD that had the host was Lainel Richie, when we're holding the CD, like it's this fucking alien artifact, this Lainel Richie CD. I remember when we got the CD player. What was the last time? Er...

First DVD I think was Gladiator. Just do the joke you want to do. Do the joke you want to do. Doris Day. Will meet again. Do you know what's fairly funny? Is nothing I can say will be funnier than the real answer. No, he's told us before.

It was... Spandau Ballet, wasn't it? You have told us before. I was burned by Usher, I think. My first three singles, we let that conversation by Elvis when they re-released the Burn by Usher. Toy Soldiers by Eminem.

And then College Dropout, the album. And Ghetto Gospel. I can't remember my first CD because my first albums were on tape. Don't remember the first. That's what's killing me here. You know what, when I said Ode Here Brothers, when they said the first song you ever bought, I was on about cassette. There that was a

cassette. The old hair brothers and a used to make used to make mixed tapes and you'd put a little line, you draw a little line on the cassette where that song would start so that you could like forward it to the line. So that would be where it started. You'd play games like that as well. The spectrum and... I am a lot older than you think. The Spectrum, you'd put the cassette in. But you'd get a pencil and you'd twist the tape to where it was. I do remember tapes. They took so long to load those. Yeah, in the car you had to have tapes.

They're also making a combat, which is weird. I don't understand that. It's because it's now retro. Retro. I understand though, because there's a sound quality thing. I do love vinyl, to be honest. And there's a pure... Still magic.

I've seen how it works. I've looked at it. I still don't understand it. It is magic. I love the vinyl player. It's great. There's a shelf life to cassette in that like eventually it'll start like sounding a little bit distorted and then snap and if clogs up, yeah, like car stereo or you're fucking digging tape out of it. You would always find like fucking tape blown around the streets as well. Yeah. You'd just say that you'd just fucking wrapped her under a tree and that wouldn't you? Cause that tape just everywhere. That's just the end of our like consciousness. That's like seven years old. I remember being in the car. I mean, when we got a shop and I'd mess around with the tapes and the radio

and stuff. Remember I put her phone on a Chinese. I put her phone on Chinese. Like Like join you had like the phone that was in your glove compartment. You put it in race. I thought you fixed it. And I changed all the chat. John used to turn to a radio station and hold one and it would make number one that radio station. I changed it all to the wrong ones and changed their phone to Chinese. And when she came back, she was like, I don't know how to change all these back. And I thought the world was over. I was like, I don't know how to change the back. I can't read Chinese. I don't know how to get to the language setting and the internet didn't exist.

So I think she's had to buy a new phone. She had to learn Chinese. Your mom's now fluent in Mandarin so she can use her phone. Isn't it mad? Because you know, before when you were talking about like going on Tinder and making someone's phone, like mail, rather than like looking at men. I nearly said the worst thing you can do someone's phone is put it in Chinese and then it just comes up 20 minutes later. That's the universe. But you couldn't change it back. Cause now you go on

YouTube and you go, this is how you do it. Cause someone's done it before. Then she was like, I'm going to have to buy a new phone. You ever heard the conspiracy theory about why you get Oh, find a Chinese person Yeah, get him a local restaurant I can't come, possibly I'm not going to speak to them, you ain't quite common in West Arby though, really What about the chippy? It's a good point Maybe she did, I never asked again, I was dead sad, I thought I'm broke May, can you come out and have a look at this car, love?

Have you ever heard the conspiracy theory about how you get songstuck in your head that you haven't heard that day? Because it's playing on the radio and your brain's intercepting the radio waves. And then you just, sung a song and he instantly got his phone out and told us cause that was just Shazam and in the background. Yeah. That's something I didn't know you could do that. Like Shazam's always a fanny on. You can also sing to your phone, you know, can you drive? You go, what's that song? And if you sing to your phone, how good a singer do you have to be, bud? You're like, shock to the heart, and you're to blame.

Would that work? Would that come up? You have to Google them lyrics, Kai. That'd be easier. But if you've got like a tune in your head, like da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da. It'd be like, it's this song. Back on scatter phone.

I don't think it'd get that. What? It wouldn't get that. It does? You've got to get it. It's got to be a well-known song. Especially if you've just made up the song. It was da da da daababababababa.

Well it's actually like your song. You don't even know the songs are just made up. Fucking technology's rubbish. Do you reckon if we got to a point where like, because if it's picking up the sound of ambient music all the time and it's just constantly there on your phone, that means it's picking up words and shit. Do you think you could get to a point

where it's gonna transcribe every conversation you've had throughout the day? And you could call somebody who'd had an argument and go, and see picking up words and shit. Do you think you could get to a point where it's gonna transcribe every conversation you've had throughout the day? And you could call somebody who'd had an argument and say, you said it there, you said it there. And I be all the dickhead that's pulling out your phone, so you lose. Yeah, that's blackmailer though, isn't it? There's an episode of blackmailer

where it's you can replay any memory and they use it on each other. They're like, no, look, you did that one. And it just. Like I just can't gaslight anybody anymore. We did it in Amsterdam. We, We went, let's test this. So the actor Eric banner, we just spoke about him for 10 minutes and then half an hour later on our tick tock was Eric banner videos. Right. Oh yeah. I meant to tell you this. So the other day when we were

sat in the air recording the patron episode, uh, patreon.com slash have a web pod by the way. www. by the way. To forget that little bit of information going to end up. We were talking about getting Dan to do a GCSE and I was going to do a maths one. I've had nothing but maths, GCSE questions and A level questions on my TikTok. It's ridiculous, isn't it? I quite like it though.

Cause it's like, oh, it's scary. It's like, no, just give me the shit. And also it's doing it. It's like, you can just stop it. If it's like, oh it's scary, it's like no just give me the shit I want. And also it's doing it, you can just stop it. If it's giving you stuff that you want, like fucking snowboarding equipment in January or whatever right, if it's doing stuff like that, it's like someone breaking into your house and tidying up, where you feel violated but you're like cheers bud. It helped? Uh huh.

Yeah. There's no disadvantage to it? No, if you have it on your Instagram for like, oh yeah I do like that brand. China's getting all your data! if you have it on your Instagram for like, Oh yeah, I do like that brand. China's getting all your data. If you're doing the right thing with me data and you're providing us with shit that I want to look at, then like, how about it? I won't go to China. Next one. Should we do a Have A Word and get the fuck out of here? Have a word pod at gmail.com. We're going to go with this one. Stacey says, wag wag lids, I need you to have a word my boyfriend Rob.

We had a chat the other day where he basically sat me down and said he couldn't keep spending loads of money on me and picking up the meals when we go out because he doesn't have enough money. The problem is the week later he spent £500 on a Lego Millennium Falcon. Apparently I'm less important than some embarrassing child's toy. Have a word with him please lads and tell him to get his priorities straight. And that's from Stacey. What do you think there, Cai? I think she's got a valid point, like, if you've got... but... Cat men have fun. But if he's clawing back on eating out so that he can have a hobby, then that's like, if

you want the thing, you'd have to make sacrifices another part of your life. She's been a bit butthurt that she's the sacrifice, which is fair enough, but But is she the sacrifice or is it just expensive meals that's the sacrifice? Because apparently it's like 500 quid in a week. So what would they go on out? No, a lot. Sorry, David, can't have that seventh Michelin star restaurant today. You must be getting millennial. I can have a really nice time with me missus

just fucking cheffing on and having something in the house. Yeah. Like you're having a nice night there, aren't you? It's not about the bean out dressing nice, like beans served. And while you've got a break in the cooking, you can make your millennium Falcon at the side. Yeah put the spots on, build the roof. And also the roof down the Millennium Falcon. There's also something a little bit like that man's looking after his mental health there's like a mindfulness to the Lego

like you're fucking doing something that's focused in your mind that you're enjoying. That's like, like encourage that. Yeah. They even compete with his hobby, man. There's no competing with a hobby. What you should do is you should go, oh, you do that. And you know what? Tonight I'll take a salt.

Yeah. From my experience as well, if you said to most of, most like women I've dated, would you rather go out five nights a week and eat in two or go eat in five and just go out the two? They'd much rather eat in five and go out the two or one or whatever. Yeah, it's this has been an occasion

and if you're making it a daily thing. Totally, and also look on the bright side, he could be buying smack. He could be addicted to smack, at least he's only addicted to Lego. He could be trying to shag his sister. He's making Star Wars Lego. He could be using that way to buy guns to sell to kids in the local area. He isn't. He's buying Lego. He could be contributing to war crimes nationally in the level of political fire. But you'd rather stand on a fucking heroin spoon than you'd rather stand on a bit of Lego.

So it could be tried for war crimes in the Hague and then you're never going to see him. Selfish Stacey. Priorities Stacey whatever your name is. I think you should have just bought like a tie fighter and went out for some food. In the middle just just buy an X-wing and Gano twice maybe he was gonna get like the full fucking Hogwarts and he scaled that back so that he could fuck her a nice steak in a week or two he's picked a different film yeah no Hogwarts from Star Wars not a lot of people know about it it's hidden in there it's always in the background but it is there I'd love an Art Walker oh dear yeah From Return of the Jedi.

Then you should deny your way for a couple of holidays and get one. Big one that. It's a cheap holiday. But yeah, I'd love one. You do realise you're an adult, you can buy one? I can't hide it from her. Why would you want to hide it from her? She knows, she'll know it's there. You've got a garden office that you don't let her in. What? Where have you got that from? I didn't think Laura's ever been in there. Huh, has she not been banned from the garden office? There's a sign on the door saying no women allowed. Oh yeah yeah yeah. I put it there. Does Laura ever go in your garden office? That's not a euphemism by the way.

I take her at the garden office regularly. Yeah yeah yeah. Tell you what she doesn't do, she doesn't go in there to clean it. No what would you do if you came home and she was rummaging around your garden office? Would you have an issue? Building an 18-teen your garden office? Honestly, it's probably one of the only things that would make me feel nervous because you bought me a vagina for Christmas. I think it's in the garden office. Oh, binda. He's buried it in the garden. So like it's just the holes exposed so you could fuck the floor. I bought can fuck the flesh light. And he's like, he's actually like trimmed the lawn around it to give it like a little bit

of foliage. Did it say how long they've been together? Um, no, I can see this from both sides, you know, communication. I think you should be paying a bit of attention and looking, looking after her, but like also she should be like a bit of attention and looking after her, but also she should be appreciating his hobbies and that he's... Build it together. I don't think any girl wants to be told, hey, we've got to really whine this in now. Come on. Come on.

Your expense, guess you're fit. Yes, you're beautiful. You're not shaming off Stacey. Phenomenal blow jobs, but you need to really whine your neck in. Austerity from now on. Now hang on. I'm going to go and play with my Millennium Falcon. I don't think they should build it together though.

Of course. Yeah. That all good. I'm off for a wank. Going to give myself a hand solo. Oh. Found it out again. Tell you what. Lovely little bit of wordplay. I liked it.

And look, I just think, you know, in the modern era of the world, yeah. I just think, you know, in the modern era of the world, yeah. Yeah. Like a very common thing, even with not staunch, just like soft line feminists is, Hey, just because he bought you dinner. The voice doesn't mean that you've got to suck his cock. Just feminist voice. I say you are my feminism. It doesn't include fucking Lego.

But that's the thing innit, just because he bought you dinner doesn't mean you need to get your arsehole out. That's like what they say. I've seen this, I've seen the stickers. We were down in Brighton on Thursday. It was posters up there. Just because he's bought you a Nando's, don't get your chocolate starfish out. Sister. But it doesn't mean not to. It doesn't mean not to. Just because he's took you to Bella d'Italia for a three course meal doesn't mean you have to show him your pussy in the rain. Big stick of this. Pussy in the rain? Pussy in the rain? Why in the rain? I tell you what, I've just paid for this three course Bella d'Italia. You

think I'm waiting to see your pussy? The fucking bus is late. You're getting out of the bus stop. Like that. Big wet pussy. Oh, love it. Rainbow coming over. It's a two way street. Just cause she has shown you her pussy and let you touch it,

doesn't mean you have to buy her dinner. Nah. Nah. There's stickers on reverse. Turn it. Yeah. Cool. Put it on a window so you can see both sides. Whoa. Just because she's got

an arsehole out after Bella Italia doesn't mean you don't deserve a Millennium Falcon tomorrow. Brother. No, and the lesson is, whether you're a feminist or you're regressive, just don't go to Bella Italia. It's shite. Yeah, there's much better Italians in city centres. Hey. Thanks for speaking for women. So good, isn't it? It's so good, because I think a lot of our female listeners appreciate it when we just nail their voice. Hey!

Hey! You, speaking for women here, don't have to get your pussy out, sweetheart, just because he's bought you a garlic bread and cheese. I mean, that is all women. Fact. It's all women. Anyway. What's your social handles, Kai?

My social handles, at Kai Humphreys. I've got my own name. It's an uncommon one. Class. At Kai Humphreys. Kai Humphreys Darth. I think there's an underscore in there on TikTok. I think there is.

Kai Humphreys. TikTok. www.tiktok.com. Go and find Kai. He's a phenomenal comedian. Go and see him on tour. And I do a podcast with Daniel Sloss called Sloss and Humphries on the Road, which is like a two hour journal. We take the podcast with us on tour. We're not on tour together right now. So we're doing it with alternating guests and occasionally meeting up in the middle and doing one together. So it's ongoing. And it's superb. And we close out these episodes

with a little bit of music on the audio. Finjerman. Yes, my gig's still on sale. Link's in the description. He's always trying to sell something, isn't he? Just give people content. Also my single's out next week. New single, Outskirts.

You can appreciate that. I took you to Bella, Italy. Why didn't I see your pussy at the bus stop? I took you to... Is that it? Just a bit? I did play it for you in the car. This week's band is Sleeping Together. And this is their tune Daisy from their debut EP. It's really good.

Have you got that mixed up the wrong way? Is the band called Daisy and the song's called Sleeping Together? No. Okay. Adam. Come on then. One, two, three, four.

Come on. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for putting up with us tonight, we are your support act. We are called Sleeping Together. This first one, Daisy. Come on, Bell and Retali, let's see you. Support as well, they're never the headline. Correct. We are called sleeping together. This first one Daisy My dad's the promoter and next week's bad She wears Daisy, my Jacob, it's colorful and playful Youth cultures make up so far from the truth It can never be you, it can never be you It's only perfume I miss you Much more than I'd like to Look around the room

Trying to manifest Seeing you again I'm looking around the room I'm trying to manifest Seeing you again I wanna see you again See you again I wanna see you again See you again I wanna see you again See you again But Daisy knows more than she should

She knows how to keep me locked up with good Daisy knows more than she should She knows how to keep me under the family app It's only perfume, I miss you much more than I'd like to Look around the room, trying to manifest, seeing you again I'm looking around the room, I'm trying to manifest The soft scent of violets, sweet like violets Look around the room, to manifest in you again

I'm looking around the room I'm trying to manifest in you again Trying to see you again You again Trying to see you again See you again Trying to see you again You again

Trying to see you again But wanna see you again I wanna see you again But Daisy knows more than she should She knows how to keep me locked up for good Daisy knows more than she should Knows how to keep me under the sun Oh, Daisy knows more than she should Knows how to keep me locked up for good Daisy knows more than she should

Knows that it keep me under the thumb, yeah Oh, Daisy knows more than she should She knows that it keep me locked up for good Daisy knows more than she should Knows that it keep me under the thumb She knows more than she ever should She knows that it keep me locked up for good All day she knows more than she should Knows that I keep me locked up for good She knows more than she ever should She knows that I keep me locked up for good She knows more than she ever should

She knows that I keep me locked up for good All day she knows more than she should She knows that it keeps me locked up for good All day she knows more than she should She knows that it keeps me locked up for good All day she knows more than she should She knows that it keeps me locked up for good What's that, Dan? Oh, it's the sound of one of the best male greenman products on the planet from Manscaped. It's the Beard Hedger.

Wow, you've nailed that. That was great. What's this? That's of course the Lawn Mower 5.0 Ultra. Oh, that's a amazing bit of kit. Our OG sponsors, manscape.com, promo code word 20, gets you 20% off site wide, right? And free shipping worldwide.

Now look, most men trim the pubes these days. They should do, shouldn't they? Yeah. Oh yeah. You get sucked off a lot more. Things are changed. Women don't like pubes in the mouth. Oh, fuck. That's not 1986. I don't mind a bit of pussy hair, more. Women don't like pubes in the mouth. Oh fuck. It's not 1986. I don't mind a bit of pussy hair but most women don't like cock pubes, right? So if you trim them you're more likely to get more sex.

Yeah. Get sucked off more. And here's the thing, if you're using a bad razor like I have in the past, you can cut your ballsack open. Nick him! And you might lose... What? You can nick him! You can. Yeah. You might lose one of your bollocks down the fucking urinal, you know? I don't know why you're shaving over your urinal.

You're a weird guy. You do it in public. But here's the thing. Manscaped are the best in men's below and above the waist grooming. And they're our OG sponsor. A lot of our listeners love them. And you, if you have not got any of these products yet, go and get some or get them for the men in your life

that look like they could do a bit of shave with their cock. But I want a discount, Adam. Give me a discount. 20% off me. With what code? KrogerCode's word, Squenny. Oh, but I want free shipping. It's only, you get that anyway, guys.

I'm done. Manscaped.com. Phenomenal. Now then, ladies and gents, time to talk about my absolute favourite sponsor. It's NordVPN. Favourite sponsor? That's good though, because when they first came on board, you were like, I don't even know what a VPN is, and now they're your favourite sponsor. I thought they were brand new. Sorry. What's a VPN?

What's a VPN? Yeah. It's a way to up your internet security and also to change the location that your laptop or computer thinks it's in. Oh, so you could watch Netflix in Botswana. Yeah, but you could watch it in the UK and just have your laptop think it's in Botswana. Oh, you don't have to go to Botswana. So you get the Botswana Netflix. Ah, yeah. That's a mistake.

It's like a digital travel thing. I've been wasting money on flights to Botswana. And we've got an offer for our listeners. If you go to NordVPN.com slash have a word. You get an extra four months when you sign up for the two year plan and 20 gigabytes of eSIM data. So you can go, if you go on holiday, you know, like often you can get like charged for using your phone abroad.

Like if you go physically to Botswana, then they'll give you 20 gigabytes to use while you're on your holidays. Amazing. Do you need VPNs in your life? Better security. And there's loads of films on all the different streaming platforms that are limited to certain countries. Find out what country that they're showing you film in and just sign up and then be like, Oh, I'll use my NordVPN. And here we are. We're in Mozambique.

NordVPN.com slash have a word. Go and watch Madagascar in Madagascar, but from the comfort of your nan's living room. Oh my god, yes.