Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #298 with Alfie Brown - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: October 13, 2024

Zoe's Place Fund: https://www.justgiving.com/campaign/zoesplaceliverpool-newhomeTickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan Nightingale & Fiends Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.ukComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comFinn's Liverpool Gig: skiddle.com/e/39298815As Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Support our cycle across India for Zoe's Place:https://cycle4zoes.enthuse.com/pf/finnlay-kulavuzGet subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsCheck out Finn's new single 'Outskirts': https://FinnlayK.lnk.to/OutskirtsThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: AFF-WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Tickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening lids before we start this week's episode of the Have A Weird Podcast do us a favour and make sure you're following us on all social media we are at Have A Weird Pod on Twitter, Instagram and TikTok and on top of that don't forget to go and subscribe to the Patreon page patreon.com slash Have A Weird Pod early access to these episodes an extra episode just for you lot every single week on Patreon. And don't forget those monthly specials of which there are 40 plus now. They're basically a movie every single month. Patreon.com slash have a weird pod. Enjoy the episode. It's a belter.

Wag wag lids, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game from the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn, this is the one and only Have Our Word. Brought to you by Manscape, the very best product on the market for below the waist grooming. Go Ed, get on me. Episode 298. There you go.

I've, I've watched out for the numbers. You've started switching up your dress since haven't you? You're starting to dress a little bit more. Just can't put anything on. I can't put anything on without getting critiqued. Is that brown or green? It's a really sort of greeny brown dark grey. It's a majority audio podcast but you know, let's do this.

Let's do this again. Let's do me and my... I'm saying it in a good way. He's complimenting you. You look sexy. But I don't believe the compliment. You look better. Do you know what I think the final thing to change up is?

Well, go on. Your hack game. Right. Cause you start, you're doing all night now. This is quite good. All right. Do you get that on TikTok shop? Oh, kiddo.

Yeah, yeah. Teamu. That's a slam. Ordered it eight weeks ago. Costs £1.99. No guilt. Have you got jeans on? I think you're looking good. Thank you. Well, that's

the end of this section. What pants have you done? Jeans. Oh, I'm out of the skinny jeans. Yeah, I've left me skinny jeans here to behind. Yeah, you should have. Yeah, we should have probably done it in 2020 Six seven years ago Well done. No, that's not true. You've had skinny jeans recently more recently. These are a tapered fit, right? I like these and I've got a wide fitting Like a light wash that I got from near would be anything What Nashville times? Oh, you're nearer than anything. But yeah.

Skinny jeans are out. Yeah, and like, because I haven't worn them for like, it's about six months, anyway. I put a pair on the other day, because I got all my washing done, and my skinny jeans come back, and I was like, oh, what about them? It's the sixth month washing.

And I put them on, and I was like, oh, they look ridiculous, don't they? Yeah. And we all just wore them for years. You get them in the... Mate, I wore them till last Thursday. I don't want to change. I don't like...

What point do you just go, oh yeah, Dan's 43. So just let him have it. But in my DMs, fucking hell, lad, skinny jeans. Even my wife in my DMs, skinny jeans. You never wore skinny jeans, have you? Not since I was in school. Did they ever get a rill? Yeah they made it to rill we had them

in school but that's what we wore in school. Skinny jeans in school? Yeah. What's the name of the uniform? It was black skinny jeans and everyone was like doing like the tightest they could. Oh we had to wear pants? You wore jeans to school? Black ones, yeah. You could kind of get away with us trousers. Can you imagine if you turned up to school in jeans? What? Your school career's over? Yeah, but black jeans...

No? Black jeans is a bit different than, you know... I got jeans on, have you, lad? That's all you get all day. You'd be called jeans for five years. You'd be Jean? Billie Jean? This is your school.

Our school is fine. You'd probably be Billie actually. Encouraged. Here's Billie. What? Billy Jean. Wore jeans fine. It'd probably be Billy actually. It's Billy. What? Billy Jean wore jeans once. He was encouraged to wear jeans. You're animals. Not by the teachers. Fucking hell he's wearing jeans.

Call him Jean. Get up from there. I mean we can't say the worst ones. No, all right. You know what I mean? I'll tell you what Josh got called every day despite not being. When people started wearing jeans, cause like you got cool and started going out, I didn't have jeans yet. And one of the lads went, do you even own jeans, lad?

And I went, yeah. God, there's a fine line to balance at your school, isn't it? I didn't. Just like still in footy kitten trackies. And what jeans have you got? And I had only read the label of Levi's. I'd never, I went, I've got Levi's. Oh, I've got a French pair. Lovice. The fucking cool. Yeah. Oh dear. It was sad. So did you have to, did you make, um, old make old, I forget the made up name for your mum, Barbara Eagler, take a, did you have to go and get some Levi's? No, I just, that ship sailed, it was clear they didn't have Levi's. They got some George bastards or something, Henleys maybe. Henleys? Were your school not asked about, was it as long

as they were black trousers? There was a limit. There was a limit. You couldn't have rips in them. If it started going a bit gray or you wouldn't last. You couldn't wash your jeans once. But we were also pushing, everyone was pushing with the shoes so that vans were quite common. What, black vans?

Black vans. Yeah. With the white squiggle or like with a black squiggle? Some people would like permanent marker the white squiggle. Stan Smiths with the. Some people would like permanent mark of the black or white squiggle. Stan Smith's with the shoes in our school. Stan fucking Smith's mate. Stan Smith's cause like and you'd argue with your teacher, there's shoes and he'd be like the Stan Smith's and be like you can't even see me tongue and you're not lifting me pants

up. What's a Stan Smith? Adidas. Adidas. Very classic shoe. Adidas Stan Smith. Oh no. They look like a shoe.

You get, at my school you're getting sent home for even attempting any of this. Pumps mate from pop booties. Didn't you go somewhere where the nuns used to be several? No. You go to like a, where's that come from? You did go, you went to like a nunnery didn't you? Hutton nunnery. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was the turn of the 19th century. So things were different. You know, the great war was coming. Things were different. You weren't allowed to wear Stan Smith. He was still alive. You get the cane and you were...

You had the cane, didn't you? Yeah, we had the cane. Did you? We had capital punishment. You got shot. Boy! You boy! There is Johns!

You're dead. There was a beheading in the quad. Are they Johns shoes? Dead. What did you wear to school? Um, well, listen, I was a Clark's boy. Yeah, I was Ravel. Until I could, who? Ravel mate. I don't know who that is. In my head, that's just Ravel Morrison. Who's Ravel? Just the biggest disappointment of a career ever, apparently, according to United fans.

Yeah, when you're in the third tier of the UAE leagues. He hates them as well, doesn't he? Why? Ravel Morrison hates United. Yeah, that interview we did a couple of weeks ago. Arsenal, he's like, no, United, no Arsenal. That was my fault. We were talking about school shoes. Then I heard a name and gone, Revelle Morrison.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sam Allardyce absolutely ripped him at West Ham. I was just like, he was so good, but just wandered off. Yeah. He was the best player in that youth team. Better than Paul Pogba and Jesse Lingard. Unbelievable. Really good kickers. Speaking of kickers, that was my brand of shoes.

You were a kickersman, yeah? Screechback. I had Revelle, I had kickers. You were a Revelle fella, yeah? I had twarks. St John's, top of it. I had Ravel, I had Kickers. You were Ravel, yeah? I had Clarks. St. John's, top of it. I used to just, every year, me marra, she'd roll a dice, like whatever it spells house. That's the Bradford home floor.

She made her own dice. I can see letters and numbers. I went to ever get the pumps. When I got pumps from Pop Boutique, I was essentially just fucking Alex Turner. I thought I was the coolest kid ever. I was like year 11. Once you got like year eight, like year seven, you didn't really know yet that like politics was coming with like issue choices because you've gone to all of junior primary school and it's just like, I got what I was given.

Yeah, but what I mean is even the other kids in the's just like, you know. I got what I was given. Yeah, but maybe stay a preference in Clark. What I mean is even the other kids in the school weren't like, what have you got on there? It was just like, yeah, there is shoes. Who's arse? What year does that change? So in year seven, everyone's still, you know, you're all glassy eyed and you know.

Yeah, you've all got big bags, only. Hey! And you tear up and then one day one cunt goes, hey, I've got better shoes than you. And then that guy gets to be king of the shoes for the year. And by year eight, you've got to have whatever shoes that the dons got. Saying that. No, I never, I would, no.

I think Rockport's... Ha ha ha. Rockport, back in... 1955. Mate, if you had Rockport's, you had to be hard. In little school. You had to fight. You had to be able to fight with Rockports.

It was basically like wearing a fucking gi. Yeah. That was, you couldn't, none of the geeks wore Rockports. I had some pods. I was glad I was allowed to say pods with the gi ones. I know, but I had to give them back because I was getting too much pussy. Jen with the Prada ones? Yeah.

Like the cool kids that were? I had a pair of them at one point, mine with Jag though. They used to have the red stripe on the tongue. A lot of kickers, a lot of kickers, but. Kickers were class because one of them had a little green label on, the other one had a red label on, didn't it? Oh yeah. I remember the lad said he had a red label on.

These are French, these, French. Yeah. These are like French design issues. And then join you to take your kids off a PA and leave it in the classroom. Said that George on the inside game over. He was killed immediately and they were the rules of school. I don't know where you went, but we went to different places. Oh my God, George, get the gun. But we had to wear pants like school like we had a suit on every day. Yeah. Oh yeah, we did. Why? What was your uniform blazer blazer blazer with the school badge on white shirt and the tie varied depending on what house you were in and And a gray jumper. Whoa! Different house ties. So the tie had like a base.

So the base was red and black. But then originally, like in year seven actually, everyone's tie had a yellow stripe on it. Like every like fourth stripe was yellow, right? Once we got into year eight, they changed the whole thing and yellow was just for one house mine was purple because i was in oswald you're as well yeah i was nausea bead massive baby bead was dark blue it was bead massive yeah you were in bead house yeah bead massive made blue you see b-e-d-e though yeah yeah, as in the venerable bead. Yeah, he'd smash anyone's head and he wasn't bead. Who was Oswald? Columbia, the guy.

Oswald Mosley. What was that? Was it David? Phenomenal. Was it David someone? I just want to let you know. The fucking nominal. So many people won't get it. But it's so good.

What were they? Columbia, bead, Oswald. What? There was a Columbia house? That was the yellow one. Six houses. It was like blue. I don't know but they had all the gims in. Yeah they were gims. They were like Hufflepuff. Can't remember them. Columbia was class. They were like the OGs then. They were red weren't they? No I thought they were yellow. No, wasn't Davidson or Davis or something yellow? Do you not even know your own houses? I was bead mate, I didn't give a fuck about no one else's.

What the fuck are you talking about? I was bead, I didn't even know the names of the other houses. We did at the time. How many houses were there? I think there was six yeah. Might as well have been four though. How many did you have? We had... Comment below, you're definitely still in school.

What are they? What were yours? We all wore habits, you know, because of the nuns. What were yours called? They were named after hills in like Lancashire. Oh, I'm bloody more far with me, lad. I think. So we had Walton, Roarstone, Fleetwood and oh no that's not right.

That mountain in Fleetwood. And Hines. It's a weird name. So they're not mountains are they? No. Fleetwood Mountain. Sounds like a tribute band. We are Fleetwood Mountain.

This is the entire Rumours album. You didn't come to our corner of the yard though, you fucking getting melted mate. Yeah, everyone had their own corner, you couldn't mix with other houses. Was that actually a thing? Was it prison? Yeah, they're the Hispanics, they're all in Columbia. We're fucking Bede, we're fucking Jeff bitches. And Adam's house, we named it after me, and I joined New Name.

I need to remember the names, man. It's gonna do me, I don't know. Someone will know, who we know. You could Google it and I'll break it if I have. Oh yeah. Speaker of Nunneries. Oh! Oh, the Sisters of Mercy.

If you've been following for a while, and if you follow any of us on social media, you will have seen over the last week or so. Zoe's Place, who we are going to India for to raise money for their planned new hospice. Zoe's Place is a baby hospice in West Arby, just down the road from, like literally next door actually, to where me and Carl went to school. The site they currently operate in is owned by the Sisters of Mercy, which is a group of nuns and they're very ironically named because they're being quite merciless

at the minute. They're kicking, yeah, Finn's nan works there. She's a bitch as well. So they're taking the site off the baby hospice to sell to someone else. I think that's what's going on. Either way, they're the ones responsible. OK, so he's placed found on the site, costing one point one million pound. And the build now that like there's been several delays with planning permission because Liverpool City Council and stuff take a billion years to get things done. And there's been a lot of funding delays.

The build is now at four point six million. So it's five point seven million in total that they need. They're currently at about 2 million, I think. So there's about four that we still need. However, the staff of Zoe's Place were brought into a meeting on Monday and basically told by the people higher up who, you know, they do work for the charity and they do run it, but they're not, you know, there every day for the charity and they do run it, but they're not, you know, there every day having face to face time with these kids who are dying and, you know, really ill and the families that need support. They've had to come to the very difficult decision

that as things stand in December, they're going to close their doors for good. And they've got 30 days to change that. They've got 30 days to either raise 4 million quid or to find a property that is more readily available to move into so they don't have to actually build it. It's a next to impossible job, but as long as it's next to and not actually impossible, we're going to give it everything we've got. So we've got some fundraisers going on. We're trying to make as much noise as possible. We've got everyone who's, you know,

anyone who's anyone looking around Liverpool for these buildings now. And there's, you know, we've got a couple of leads. Like by the fans. So is that the priority? Like the money's obviously hugely important, but you, the building is the focus, do you think? So there's two things.

If they found a building that they could move into, like by before June, that it's just ready to go, that they could move into, like by before June, that is just ready to go, that they could put 50 babies in, then that would be perfect. It'd be absolutely perfect. However, the alternative is if they now just get the money to build the new site, they need more money than they need for the build because they need enough money to pay the staff whilst they take a break in service because they haven't got enough time from now until the 30th of June to build the place. Now, obviously this would all be alleviated

if the Sisters of Mercy were to grant them an extension on their lease for six months or a year, but that looks like it's not going to happen. Of course not. So merciful. So we've got 30 days as of When this goes out publicly, it'll be, you know, 23 days. The frontline staff of, like, I know a good few of the girls there now and they're all great, but Jean is a really close friend of mine and they've essentially been tasked by the people at the very top of the charity. And by the way, they have two other sites. They have one in Middlesbrough and one in Coventry. And, you know, it is just as important that those places get support. But there's, you know, there's a reason Zoe's place is particularly close to my heart because right next to the school I went to, the school always did

fundraising for them. And, you know, if you follow us for a very long time, you'll know. Like I was in and out of hospital with operations on the eye when I was a kid. And things were a lot different back then because the country was in a much better state. So my family and me, we got the support that we needed from Alderhay and from Arrow Park Hospital in the Whittle. Because, you know, the support was there back then. But it isn't now. And if Zoe's place goes, there is nowhere else that these kids can go

there's about there's about space for about nine of them at other hospices in Liverpool but that means 41 families and children who are dying or seriously seriously ill and have seriously affected lives will have nowhere to go so we've got 30. If you are in property and you think there's somewhere where you could house 50 children, I think they need something like 10 rooms, 10 quite large rooms in order to do that. They can put, you know, five or six kids in each bedroom. And only, I think it's only eight are ever housed overnight, so they don't have to have full capacity overnight either, but the hospice does run 24-7. And they're ideally looking for properties in West Derby, Liverpool as a wider region

would also be great and even the rest of the North West is something that they would be looking at as well. And a lot of questions about our India trip. India is happening regardless because right up until we go to India, you know, that's when D-Day will be for the Liverpool site anyway. And if we do end up going to India and the worst happens and Zoe's Place does shut in December, then the funds will be diverted to their other sites in Middlesbrough and Coventry. So everyone who's donated to us, your money is still going to the charity you thought

it was going to when you donated it. If you've attended one of the events that we've done, it's still going to the charity you thought it was when you donated it. It just might end up being another site, but I'm going to do everything I possibly can to make sure that this does remain in Liverpool. You've done really well to respond to this so quickly. I know you've obviously, because you know Gina that works there really well, but it has been impressive what you kick into action and then also just mobilize us and

Paul and it felt like all the good eggs in Liverpool. Yeah sort of woke up to it. Yes, I think that was down to you He went hey, can we fix I I sent it to Paul and I sent it to Paddy and I don't think either They've actually seen the news until I spoke to them and as soon as I mentioned it to them They were like, right, I'll do the video. Paul put his up straight away. Paddy was like, I've done the video. I've added it. I've just sent cause he doesn't run his own social media anymore.

I don't think so. He sent it to his social media team and was like, get that up. And it went up, you know, almost immediately. Um, I've, I've asked Jamie Webster to do a couple of things for us. Uh, Ian Steyerle messaged me. He said, he's going to do a video today. Uh, and he's going to try and come. We're doing a couple of things for us. Ian Stirling messaged me, he said he's going to do a video today and he's going to try and come, we're doing a couple of fundraiser gigs. The first one sold out in seconds or minutes and we're going to add another one probably on the 21st. That will be

our, they're both at Hotwater Comedy Club because they'll be getting no room higher there and we can get 600 people in. Dan's doing them. Paul Smith is going to be doing the 21st when that goes on sale. We've got John Bishop and Jason Manford on the 28th, trying to add Russell Kane to that bill as well. But the lineups are going to be ridiculous. And at the end of the day, we could put six open micers on and we should be filling these anyway

because it's not even about the lineup, but the best of the lineup, the best of the show. Trying to get Jamie Webster to come down and sing on the 21st as well because he's busy on the 28th. But over the past sort of six months, you look at what happened in Southport with the terror attack and those fucking poor girls getting killed. And then everything that sort of happened after that made me quite embarrassed to be Scouse for a little bit because that's never been us. What happened? Those riots and the sort of, you know, anti-immigration

marches that for the first time ever took control of this city that in the past have always been pushed back. It made me go, oh, are we just a bit like everyone else? And this has just been bubbling under the guise of, you know, fucked the Tories because there's people at those riots and stuff where and fucked the Tories hats chanting Tommy Robinson's name. And it made me a bit disgusted. However, my pride in this city has been a little bit restored by the past 24 hours because the reaction to this, I don't actually, I just don't actually believe that there's another city in the UK that would have mobilised this quickly and how it has around something like this. Now, obviously

I'm very biased and I'm sure there's people from other working class parts of the country who'd say no, my city would do the same. And I just haven't seen it before. So very proud of it. Very proud of everyone for getting involved. The amount of donations that came in, in the last 24 to 48 hours, which is still going now. Go to the Just Given as well, the Just Givens. We'll put it in the bio. The amount of stories and messages and when you tweeted the amount of people who's not just from Liverpool, from around Liverpool, around the area whose lives have been hugely affected by having a little one who's ill or struggling or has a life-threatening illness. How much good Zoe's Place have done. I'm sure in Middlesbrough and Coventry as well, but the

Liverpool one is at risk and it's done such incredible work and supported these people and made their lives so much better. To just lose it would be so heartbreaking to so many people. There isn't an alternative. I know £4 million is a lot of money but it also rarely isn't. It's 1.3 million Eddie on the Just giving. If everyone just keeps giving what they can, it can get there, can it? If like the video I put up yesterday, I had half a million views and Paddy and Paul's

both eclipsed that cause they've got a lot more followers. And I was just like, if you just as all just give, if either, we'd be there. And you know, not everyone is in a position to do that. And people are struggling and I fully understand that and accept it. And, you know, the country's in a very bad state, which is why places like Zoe's place are necessary. Sign the petition as well. If you can't get in, sign the petition. Yes, that is free. And that, you know, that is something everybody can do.

I'll be honest with you, on Monday, when I spoke to Gina, it really felt like a bit hopeless. Like we were just, you know, gonna swing our way out like a boxer who's, you know, definitely gonna lose the fight, but we're just gonna swing at it. But after yesterday, and speaking to it again last night and this morning, she's very bullish and she should be so proud of herself because I've never heard someone be quite so angry and obsessed at the same time.

When I spoke to her on the phone on Monday, I struggled not to be sobbing on the phone, but I felt like I couldn't because I didn't want to be, you know, selfish and make it about me. She's someone who works with these people every day. And she was so angry at the decisions that have been made and what had been put on her, but really underneath all of it was just this anger that the families that she sees every day and what they're going through

and how much of an impact it has on their lives, that the idea that someone was deciding that they wouldn't have that anymore, just disgusted her. And she felt so hopeless. And she was in the pub with her mates, like the girls who worked there with her, and they were getting drunk. And then I thought she'd wake up yesterday hungover

and just be in a bit of a bad way. And I was gonna have to ring her and pep her up and say, I've messaged all these people and see what we can do. And she woke up yesterday and I was going to have to ring her and pepper up and say I've messaged all these people and see what we can do. And she woke up yesterday and just was like, we're fucking going to do this like a fucking warrior. And her attitude is absolutely unbelievable. And she's dealing with an awful lot from all angles at the minute. And as every single other person who works there as well is, is doing the same thing. And I'm just quite amazed by the attitude of everyone who works there.

Like we put that the first comedy show on sale on the 28th, a hot water, and it sold out in minutes. And she messaged me and was like, all the staff have bought two tickets each. So the people who work there have all bought two tickets each to go and see this comedy show that is fundraising for the place that they're working in like they're not already doing enough. So um look feels like if they could just get more time like it how is it all so final? There's so many solutions that I'm very hopeful that one of them just comes off because we could find a building,

we could find a really generous millionaire who gives us five million quid, we could find half a million people who give us a tenner each, we could find like a heart in one of these nuns who goes, hey, actually we've just had a way, but someone can give you another six months. Like there's so many ways where this might just work out.

And it might not, it really might not, but like at least we'll get to December or in 30 days time or whenever like the actual final decision is made and say we've absolutely done everything we could. You said that in the video yesterday, knowing that you've, you've tried, knowing that you've given it everything. We've got to do whatever we can because it needs to remain. Um, so my socials, the pod socials, I think at the minute this might change before the episode goes out. If you go onto Zoe's Place website, I don't think the donations link is on the website. I know that seems really strange, but that is because of some of the sorts of politics

going on and how charities have to work once they sort of, you know, start the process of closing. So just go to our socials and donate from there. Wherever you're listening or watching, the link will be in there. Yeah, you'll find it there. It's time for another Christmas number one, Finn. Let's do it. Another one. Whip one out.

Another one. Well, another try. Thousands of pounds raised. Five thousand pounds raised. Five to six thousand pounds and we also gave some to the Child Hunt, Eye Cancer Trust. Never mind. Come on, Finn, whip it out. All right.

What? Oh, now the song? No? Yeah, your song. All right, okay. A penis joke. Wonderful. Do you want a break?

I think we should. Life and death were two very realistic coexisting possibilities in my life. I didn't even think I'd make it to like my 16th birthday to be honest. I grew up being scared of who I was. Any one of us at any time can be affected by mental health and addictions. Just taking that first step makes a big difference. It's the hardest step. But CAMH was there from the beginning.

Everyone deserves better mental health care. To hear more stories of recovery, visit camh.ca. Now then, ladies and gents, time to talk about my absolute favourite sponsor. It's NordVPN. Favourite sponsor? Love it. That's good though, because when they first came on board,

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And we've got an offer for our listeners. If you go to NordVPN.com slash have a word. You get an extra four months when you sign up for the two year plan and 20 gigabytes of eSIM data. So you can go, if you go on holiday you know like often you can get like charged for using your phone abroad like Botswana they if you go physically to Botswana yeah then they'll give you 20 gigabytes to use while you're on your holidays amazing you need VPNs in your life better security and there's loads of films on all the different

streaming platforms that are limited to certain countries, find out what country that they're showing you film in and just sign up and then be like, Oh, I'll use me NordVPN. And here we are. We're in Mozambique. Nordvpn.com slash have a word. Go and watch Madagascar in Madagascar, but from the comfort of your nan's living room. Oh my God, Yes. Oh God. This podcast is good in it. And if you really like it, you should sign up to Patreon at patreon.com slash have word pod for a bonus episode every Wednesday,

video and audio, early release of the video of the public episode you get that on Saturday morning not like pubes getting it on a Monday and also the patreon specials when there's 2,738 of them and over 50 and they are in the majority TV level production yeah the ghost of, no. Some of the earlier ones. And a bit rougher. But recently we make TV shows for you once a month for an extra £3, £5 or £10. This Saturday, the Roast of Adam and Dan, or the Roast of Have A Wear, whatever we're calling it. Two! And it'll be out in December. We've got India coming up, we've got Nashville in the past, Amsterdam, all the lock-ins.

If you love us, you can go and watch H us for £3. So go. There's 27,000 in the lid army. It cannot be wrong. How are you feeling about the roast? Class. You feeling good? I think he should feel fine. What? I was at the right day with him. He should feel absolutely fine. Oh, should he? Yeah. Good. How are you feeling? Yeah, fine. Fine. Love it.

Freddie. Oh. Oh, that's not. Freddie's on. I'm not telling you the rest of the lineup. Freddie said, he texted me the other day and said, is there a line? And I was like, well, you know, your call to me. And he was like, cause I think I've written three today

that you will definitely cut out of the special because they are the worst things I've ever said. And this is Freddie. Oh my God. What could that possibly be? What's he gonna make jokes about? 9-11 in Auschwitz? Hey, are they bad? Have you seen about? 9-11 in Auschwitz? Oi! Are they bad? Have you seen them? 9-11 in Auschwitz? Yeah.

I knew they were bad. Did he send you the jokes? No, he won't send any. He wants to hurt people's feelings in real time. Harry's getting sent every one's on Friday so that he can tell people, hey, you're on later and you might not be able to do that because they're doing a very similar thing. Like good production. It's going to be a fire show, much bigger than the last one. If you've got tickets, well done. If you haven't, it'll be out on page. And you in the song venue, like, you know, we've got a Colin Regan says question. It went through me. It's seen Brock Lesnar's daughter? She's an absolute

unit and is a champion shot putter. That's a slam in it. Your daughter's a champion shot putter. That's a slam, isn't it? Your ma's a champion shot putter. Your daughter's a champion shot putter. She's genuinely Brock Lesnar with longer. And she has her dad's good looks and freak genetics. I haven't seen her, but I'm imagining. What are you imagining? She's one of the most beautiful women who's to walk the earth.

Keep reading, Dan, I'll get it up. My question is, if your kids were like you, but with genetically enhanced traits, what sporting event would you force them into? Oh, I have seen her before. She's gorgeous, isn't she? She looks like the albino lad at school that you didn't want to bully because he'd fucking kill you. It just looks like Brock's transition, doesn't it?

She looks like, and this is a slam. Brock Lesnar. What was the question? Would you want your daughter to be a champion shot putter? No. No my question is if your kids were like you but with genetically enhanced traits what sport or event would you force them into? Paul Volk using the cock. Yeah, she's going to be a talented young lady that one. Alex's daughter's got an unfair advantage. Do you know just on the fake question that you asked, would I want my daughter to be a champion shopper or what?

Can I just run with that one for a sec? Because there's what I think. I want my kids to be like just fucking middle, like middle of the fucking hallway. Normal kids who are quite good at footy, bright and like just a bit handsome, but not like so handsome that they never develop a personality. Right. And I mean, just a seven out of ten looking kid. Are you talking about your son here? You don't want you're a handsome, good at footy daughter. Or is your son here? You don't want your handsome, good, footy daughter? Or is it we just...

You don't want a fit or handsome child or just be normal, be a seven and everything. What? Because if you fit, you have babies at 11 or 16, whatever they do, and you're a dog by the time you're 25. That's a fact. That's a fact. All fit kids. Thank you.

Oh, you can't bring Rill into it. You've got a family of three by year nine. That doesn't fucking count. If you peak in high school, you usually have a bad 20s and then by 30s, no one gives a fuck. If you didn't be in the middle, you can grow. Yeah, you don't want to be so good looking that you never develop a personality. You peak to high school is true, isn't it? It's such a thing. And by the way anyone listening to this going well I'm gorgeous actually

and I've got a great personality you're not gorgeous. You're not. You're not. You're sound. You're like a seven maybe an eight. Nines and tens are boring. Nine tens don't listen to this. No. And if they just stow it in the street. But if they're accidentally if they're passing like a fucking caravan and someone's listening to us, right? And they accidentally hear a bit and they're listening and going, well I'm gorgeous and I'm great. You're not. You're a dull, boring cunt and you're fit. And that's your, that's what you're good at. You're good at looking good, but you can't talk, can you? Because you're stupid.

It's a fact. So the fit person's walking past the caravan, yeah. They all go to caravans. Hot people are always walking past campsites. I didn't say it was on a campsite. The caravan might be, you know, residential. Residential, yeah. Hot pit person just wandering around.

Is a caravan just parked on Sexton Park, by the way? And he's cracked it. Don't know whether you know about this guy. Like about five miles from where me and Carl live is Sefton Park. Right? And there's a fella. By the way, it's like one of the most expensive areas

of Live Bill's living, because that's where everyone wants to live, because Sefton Park's class. Apparently. Apparently. One day guys, one day guys, fingers crossed. Keep working. This guy has got a generator and a caravan,

and he's just parked it on the park, and he's just got this prime real estate. But it's not allowed is it? You know you can live in front of Buckingham Palace briefly when you park your Winnebago up there. It is allowed? You're not getting a palace though are you? You're getting the outside of the palace. He's getting a country park as his guy. He is allowed to free 24x7, unlimited parking around Sefton Park and he has pulled his caravan up with a generator and gone, this is where I live. And he has smashed it. Respect that. What's that you get ladies?

Sounds great. So the council aren't like, hey, move it on. He's just set it up. He's been there for about a year. He's been there since I moved in. Smart. Something bad's happened though there, don't it? He's not, he hasn't, he's not like an actuary is he? His wife left him when he's bought a caravan. I don't know. That's what's happened. A lot of people are doing van life now, aren't they? Not seeing it on Instagrams. I'd like a van. It's something I want to get after the wedding, I think.

Like one that you can pick him. After the divorce, mate. Yeah. Yeah. One where you go, hey, let's just drive to the lakes on a Friday and come home on a Sunday. You can do that in your car. Yeah, you can do that in your car. Are you parking that on your road? What?

Are you parking that on your road? I don't know. It's a big place, Finn. It doesn't need to. It's just parked next to the park. That's the new exclusive. By ours, there are an abundance of vans. I had to know this. I spoke to them in the day. They have a school bus that's been, um, what's the word? Transition, transform, transform and they just park it on the, on the street, not on our street, but yeah. It's very Instagram. Isn't it to like like, hit out your van and go on your- If we're off the grid though,

people are just getting to a point where they're like, do you know what? We don't need a job. We don't need a house. We'll just get a van and we'll just forage. In Sefton Park? No, they got all bounced a bit, don't they? Off the grid, they're the license plate and the credit card.

No one knows who we are. Hang on, what's the foraging consist of? They just go about foraging? Go to the shop, go to the coffee. They just go and stab them in the squirrels and then frying them, innit? Stabbing squirrels and frying them. They're off the cat. No one knows who he is. Hang on. What's the foreign Jenkins' stuff? They just go about... Go to the shop, go to the coffee. They just go and stab them in squirrels and then fry them, innit? Stabbing squirrels and frying them. They're off the grid. They're eating fresh squirrel. They're living the dream.

They've gone through a divorce. They're murdering squirrels, eating them. No, but they're just travelling from like town to town. And then when they... This guy's not. He's next to someone else. Not this guy. He's not the guy I'm talking about. I'm talking about the van life people on Instagram. They just travel to a new town. They earn a couple of grand on like a market store or something. You're talking about the traveler community.

There's loads of events. They turn up, they get on some farmland illegally, cause a load of fucking murder, have some fights, do some videos and then fuck off. I think you never pay taxes. Not all of them do that, but you know, fun is people are sorry. All 11 year olds are pregnant, but no, what I said was if you've had, if you fit in school and getting jagged at 11 or 11, that was a bit hyperbole. Right. Cool. Let's all get Winnebago's. I have fucking lupin' Harvey. Could we cut one out for a special?

Probably not. What we'd do is we'd buy a fucking shit, shit van and then forget to get it out. And then there'd be a mad trip to B and Q. Three arguments. And then we'd have to ask you to not come into work for a week while we've got a fake fin to fucking get it out. That would be a good special though. It just does try to run the country and the thing we've made and it's just. What Dan versus food roasted squirrel?

A couch. I bet I'd love it. I have a chance. I feel. People are doing it. You know, people are just trying to get away from the matrix mate, away from the nine to five life, away from the man. You got away with Dan versus food's his food cause you forgot.

No, we'll just do it when Alfie comes in. Oh yes. Find me a squirrel. You wouldn't eat a squirrel. What, what do you just want your kids to be straight down the line? Is that what you're saying? I just want them to be sound enough to get by, not so sound that everyone likes them and then they pick on people.

I don't want them to be so attractive that they peek in high school and they get like the lack of personality thing. I just want them to be. What if they are though? What if they're just beautiful? Then break them down. Look at you. Fine. No. Put me a little Vinnie.

You're way too fuckable. I want them to be a better looking version of me. Just slightly better looking. Break them down at home. Oh being cool in school are you you, little muppet? Tear them at home. You know, like a punch or a redden. You're not cool here, mate. Hardest kid in school, are you?

Not the hardest kid in this house. Gloves on, come on. Yeah, break them down. Right, we're going for school shoes. No, you are getting pots. They don't even make them anymore. I've got them off eBay. Yeah, I don't want shop putters in me house.

Do you know what I mean? I just want fucking kids who can do like 20 keep ups. You've always been really hard lying on shot butters, aren't you? First or second pick of five of a side is always good, isn't it? Yes. Just like, oh, he's cool. But what if they're brilliant at something?

What if, you know, for all, what if little Vinny's just an absolute chess phenom? I changed my mind on calling me kid Vinny. That's going to be my dog's name. Just so you know. And if he can play chess, that is not worth it. Don't be a smart dog. Just be a seven out of ten dog.

Listen little Vinny, you're too fuckable. You know? Yeah. Boy's name then for? Zach. Brian. With a K? No.

CH. CH. Zach. Zach Brian Rowe. Zach Brian Rowe. I've actually had Zach picked out since long before me country era started. From Save By The Bell. Yeah. And Eliza for a girl. Two very American names. Don't know where that one's from. It's Hamilton. Oh yeah. Oh is it? Zach Brian. Nice name though, doesn't matter where that one's from. It's Hamilton. What is it? Zach Brian. Nice name though, doesn't matter where they got it from. Hamilton. You really did pay attention to Hamilton, didn't you? All I could see was Don McAlvall talking shit and some king who thought he was funny, that's all I remember.

But what are your names? Eliza, Susan, Jeff. You know, I've always had Eliza, Susan, Jeff as my name for a girl. That's the dream, isn't it? Hahaha. Eugh, Jeff Rowe. I think I know a Jeff Rowe. You think of Jethro the comedian? I'm thinking of Jethro. I'm thinking of Jethro and that's not what you want your daughter to be, is it?

You know, I just want my daughter to be a 7 out of 10. I don't want her to be, you know, a famous, South West based, middle aged comedian. And I've always stood for her. Or a shop putter. Or you could like, like some androgynous names, aren't they? Do you know what I mean? Where it could be for both.

Alex. Yeah. Colin. What? Colin. Or Jonathan. Colin and Ethan. Danny's one, isn't it?

Danny's a, go both ways. I've seen James as well on a girl. James? James, yeah. Bobby's, Bobby's James for the girl. I've seen girls called James. Jim, the girl. Don't call her Jim, innit? No, hang on, you have not seen a girl called James.

Google it? No, no, but where have you seen it? No, because you haven't? What do you mean? Oh, it will not be on the internet then. Yeah, it can be used for a good... No, but everything can be you. You're going to love this. Ryan Reynolds' daughter is called James a good... No, but everything can be used. You're gonna love this.

Ryan Reynolds' daughter's called James. Oh, who's he? There you go. You ate him? Sucker fart, I do. That's why you know about it. He's the only person to do it and you've been looking into his issue.

No, it's quite a big one though. Right. There's a certain male names that can't be androgynized. Not even I mean. Kevin. You can't be androgenized. Kevin. You can't call your daughter Bernard. Bernadette. Bernadette.

Keith. Keith Edd. Keith Edd. Nigel. Bobby's doing bits. Nigella. Bobby's. Oh yeah.

Bobby's. No, but that doesn't count though, does it? It does. Nigel's sure for Nigella. Because James isn't like a... there's not a feminized version of it. They're just going, yeah James. Do you know what I mean? That's not what I mean though.

Right. Mohammed. And that's the end of that game. Carlsbad put it in the fucking sky. I think we're going to do some have a words. I'll put them wherever I fucking want now. You're a maverick. Wow.

You can't be controlled. You don't even know where. Harry's not here and you're off the chain. I'll do room 102 on my own mate. Brilliant. No, he'll do that. If you want to send in a have a word, have aordpod at gmail.com for all your correspondents. Lewis Griff says, wag wag lids,

I need you to have a word with my 15 year old cousin. Our granddad passed away recently and we had the funeral and wake. During the funeral, she was filming herself crying and then we went up to pay our respects before leaving the crematorium. She rested her phone on our granddad's casket and filmed herself putting on a sad face and paying her respects.

By the time we got to the reception afterwards, it was already on TikTok with sad music over the top and a caption making out. It was the hardest day of her life. Have a word with her and all the other cunts her age that are obsessed with clout and likes and will exploit anything to get them. Go on, content is my point. We're talking about that. We should want, you're just jealous that she's got followers. That's what it is. That your granddad isn't dead. She's all over dead granddad. Tick tock. Not other people. Um, I just like I content king. We're all monetizing our lives. And at the end of the day, you're gonna not dead. He's not even gonna notice why you crying. Plus he loved it. So damn if we it was all about reach. If we filmed that your funeral, not for specials,

just years away. Like, you know what? I've just realized, I go to someone's funeral. No, we're probably all going to be at your funeral. Probably, yes. Unless one of us gets shot, do you know what I mean? Note to self, next time you start a podcast, don't be the oldest one by 11 years. It's not 11. Like you'd have to, like, especially with the amount of fucking gack you've done, do you know what I mean? Fucking hell. You're dead soon, you've done.

But you're the first to go, like... Probably. Statistically speaking. Probably. Just odds-wise, yeah. You're the oldest cokehead in the room. You know what I mean? None of us are cokeheads, we're all younger.

I'm doing so much better. That's sad, isn't it? As he says with a pile of sneak nicks. What do you want us to do, Dan? What do you want? Let's plan your funeral. Do you want us to be a barbershop quartet? Do I want him singing, him and Kyle singing at my funeral? Rock me mama like a wagon wheel. Rock me mama anyway. Where you feel it. Yeah.

Mama rock me. Will you, will you? Will you... I want a eulogy by Brock Lesnar's daughter. That's a fact. Can I... If I put it in my will, will you honor it? It depends what it is. I'm not getting bummed. If you tie strings, money, yeah.

In my will, I'll be like, you know, I leave everything to these things. Sometimes I always play some sound like, you know what I mean? Do you want us to be your pollen bearers? Right. Yeah. Oh, no way. I can't carry you down that'll break my heart. I'll put you back. So what? Someone that doesn't know me has to be the pole bearer. Why does someone have to? Why you got a person who knows you?

You haven't carried anyone? Two. It's gen- no jokes aside, it's one of the worst things I've ever done. Yeah, it's really, it's hard work. And you also end up thinking, this fat cunt weighs loads, but it's really the casket. It's probably the casket, innit? I didn't wear the suit to the funeral until the next funeral and it still had the stuff on the shoulder. That was one of the worst things that ever happened to me.

Just dust? Just from the casket, yeah. So what would I want for my funeral in a more jovial sort of time? It's six, isn't it? It's actually quite short, I guess two of us will do it. I've put weight on though. Who would be your pulling and burders right now? Right, do you want it to be you? I'm game if you want.

I'm front left. It's your choice innit? Let's say you get told you're going to be dead. Someone writes to you and says, shooting you, choosing your morning, get you the fairs and all that. Alright, cool. Do you know what the mistake there is? To stay in.

This is fucking ridiculous. I'm not leaving my house. Pick your pole bearers. Right, so it's your first six, is it? Yeah, it's my sixth. Obviously, I've got to go you three. Robert. I stay home. No, Robert's doing the service. Oh, you do a good job. He's a phenomenal orator.

Um, he's Sean. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then I feel like you've got to throw a maverick one in and it John fashion. John fashion. I was going to go pop a boobity up again. What? I told you this so many times. He is dead. Well, like no one quote car new every first of April. Good God. What's the name of him, Sean? I can't believe it. I was actually one of his poll bearers. Do you have Bondy? Yeah, maybe. James Bondy. James Bond. Daniel Craig. Rummy could do it on his own. He's a big boy. Oh, Rummy is a fucking specimen, but he's a softy. He'd be weeping. Oh, he's a giant man, but he's got a good heart.

I'd be crying. Yeah. The podcast finished? Yeah. No, it's not. It is. The new words finished. Yeah, the new one and start, the better one.

It would look so similar. Yeah, Adam and Carl's Fun Out with producer Finn. What? Is my, is me living holding you back from that. Welcome to Adam and Carl's Fun Out with Producer Finn. It feels familiar, but that boring old cunt isn't here. Oh no, Dan, what song? It's time to have a better word with Adam and Carl. Are you gonna have like Mace?

Is it Mace, that song you love? I'm having Mace as a pole bearer. That's when you walk in. Genuinely, that is what- Mace, Let Me Clear My Throat. Yep. It's a remixer. Yeah, okay. You're in. Is that all right? What do you want us to wear? You're like brothers to me and I haven't got a brother. So sound. Which one was the where? Well, um, do you remember the Liverpool FA Cup? The white suit, the white suits boys, the spice boys. My funeral's a big country day. You've all got to wear. I've already been to your funeral then. By the way, it's a great piss up. Adam's funeral on the roof of pins. 20 quid ads. Here's a question for

you. Right. If you a question for you, right? If you were dying and you knew you were dying, but it wasn't like making you sick, like you were all right, but you just knew, hey, you got a fucking six months to live. The bullet was coming. Whatever's gonna kill you, bullets, bomb to death, AIDS, cancer, whatever.

Yeah, it's more likely the last one, isn't it? You've got six months to live, it's gonna to be a bullet. It depends who you're arming. Would you, because people have started doing this and I really like it. Would you have your funeral before you die? What does that think? Yeah. And people have it as like one last party. So they have to wait, sorry, they have to wait before, do you know what I mean? That feels so sad. So hang on, I've got one of them illnesses where you don't really know I'm dying. I could actually keep it secret. No, you're not keeping it secret, you're telling everyone what it is.

Alright, but I'm not physically... You just get to go to your own funeral. So everyone who's like, normally at your funeral going, ah, I loved him, he was so good at karate. Like, those people, Bruce people. Bruce Lee's coming. Those people get to tell you to your face, you know, I've always respected your karate skills. What, like a mafia wedding?

I just sit and wait for everyone to come up. Dan, you're so good. You know, you held the podcast back a bit and Kyle and Adam's Fun House is going to be well good. Before they start it. There's a tenner. There's a tenner. There's a tenner. You are going to karate though.

Beautiful eulogy. Brock Lesnar's daughter did a great job. Mainly about shot putting, but lovely speech. Would I sit in the saddest birthday party ever. But is it sad? On a throne. Is it sad? On a crown in the middle.

You've got a crown on. I've got a crown? The death crown? Yeah. You don't want a night to end? Because then you're dead, aren't you, essentially? What do you die that night? Cinderella. When the bouncer comes in,

Right, everyone, last orders. Fucking put a noose around that cunt's neck. Up he goes. A big fat white piñata. By the way, I know you're taking a piss. I had a thousand sent to me. Oh no, this would be so sad. But like, isn't it better that like, you get to be sad with the people who love you rather than they have to do it in your absence?

I don't know if you could be as genuine as you are when someone's actually dead. I don't know if I could say... I wouldn't believe it. I'm like, you're not dead yet, you might survive and I've wasted my money coming here, it's £20 and a taxi, you'd have to swat. I've wasted believe it. You're not dead yet. You might survive and I've wasted my money coming here to £20 on a taxi. You'd have to squat. What's your money? I'm, yeah. I got you a, did you get them a gift? No. Get them a pint. I don't know. I'd be too sad. I think you'd hate it.

I wouldn't hate it. People would leave you alone. Just everyone being dead. So I'm so hard for them. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not chickening it. It's just me mates. That's a lost opportunity. Lads, I can't picking it. It's just me mates. That's a lost opportunity that. Lads, I can't believe you. Oh, do you know what? All these funerals are in Liverpool.

You should live-stream it. I'd pay to see how them funeral from the other side of the world. I wouldn't do that. That seems so sad. I couldn't be arsed if I'm being all morbid. I'd be like, you're not allowed to be sad if you come and you've got to be happy. I think I'd do it like an Asian wedding and do it for like a week. I'd have death week.

Just so you don't want just one. No, you'd have to do it longer. Yeah, just have a funeral karaoke. Different themes every day. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's class. Get to say your goodbyes. Everyone gets to know how do you feel about them

and they feel about you. It's just... And you get the confidence boost. Would that all be good or would you settle some scores? I'm open to that as well. You ever have beef? Come and tell me. Know what I mean? I'm dying. Get it out now. You don't want to regret not telling me that you thought I was a bellend. I think we all knew how that was going when Sean Collins got invited.

Hey, you can come. Let's square it off. Wow. Then I think it could be ticketed. Open bar. What? Who's covering that? It's at the estate. Think about little Zach Brian Jeff.

Susan, that beautiful girl. Think about his daughter. Yeah, open bar. No, actually, do you know what? No, you can all get me a pint. Yeah, it can be an open, I'll just carry it for you. No. Open casket, open bar.

That's the way. I just think it's a really good way to do it. If you know you're dying. It'd be nice to see everyone who loved you, because Ross does it in Friends, doesn't he? Yeah, one person shows up. I don't want bar. No, that'd be shit. If I had six months to live, I think I'd struggle to come into work and do gigs and stuff. Like a lot of people, but you've got to try and keep stuff normal for your kids. So it's not too traumatic. You can't like, my mum tried to do that when she knew she was going and

tried to keep it normal. And it was, she hanging on by threads there because it was fucking weird. Obviously he's trying to keep normality. You can't just be like, right, you've got six months. Let's focus on my death. Let's share memories. You've got to try and keep some normality. But I would really struggle to come in here and talk bollocks with you for five hours a week.

When my dad was dying of cancer, the family didn't tell him that he had it. Sound. Oh my God. But he knew. Have I got... Have you not told me? Is this what you're doing now? Look at your cap. It's a big C. You told me to wear it. Yeah Mike-on that didn't get told but he figured it out. What when he was on chemotherapy? On the cancer ward? I don't think he got chemo.

I think it was like... Oh, he just road-dogged it? I think it was like, hey, he's fucked, you know, pointless that. Like, let's just make him comfy, give him a nice chair. Just take him to Alton Towers. Tickle his feet. Yeah, tickle his feet. Um, yeah, but I knew he knew, because we, like, we were told,

I was only about 11, they're like, don't tell you, I know he's got cancer, I was like, feels. Okay, good, I love this responsibility, thank you for putting it on me. I shouldn't be smoking, smoke what you want grandad, enjoy yourself, have whiskey for breakfast. I'll smoke with you. When would you have your last wank? Probably in bed, Carl.

No, like you say, like you like. It's not, it can't be like the end of a day. It can't be like my deathbed, right? Okay, I've said my goodbyes. Love you all. Oh, you've been so good. Thank... Clear the room now. Clear the room. Lord, I love... Just close the door behind you. Pop that lube over there. If you like, I'm going in the night, would you have to wank before everyone came or would you ask everyone to leave to have a last wank? That's a good question I think. No, I think, you know, like in life I'd ask everyone to leave the room. I love wanking. Welcome to my funeral everyone, now we're just going to get started. That's what Dan loved. Just have a big group wank. Hope no one joins in. No but imagine, it's like when people don't leave, don't people leave your house, you want them to go home.

You'd be like, aw, wish they'd go so I'd have a wank. Right, a good way to clear the house is to just start wanking. In my experience. I wish everyone would go home. I'll just fucking start pulling me pod. Still here! Leave the dips. Yeah I knew. I knew my granddad knew he was dying when he gave me 20 quid. He'd never given me that much money before. He'd only just give us like 50p or a pound or whatever

and he'd be like don't spend it all in one shop. You know what I mean? He'd give me 20 quid. He was like always remember your granddad loves you. And I was like, he knows, you know, and then that really gave it away. I love you. I usually give you 50p. Here's the stocks and shares portfolio. There was a woman who lived over the road who was trying to suck him off and get all his money. Is it? Because she knew. And then she started coming over for a cup of tea and we teared up and we were like, what are you doing here? She's like, I'm not sucking him off.

And that was a bit on the nose. And then she started coming over for a cup of tea and we teared up and we were like, what are you doing here? She's like, oh, I'm not sucking him off or nothing. And that was a bit on the nose. So we were like, we're sucking him off actually, that. Hang on, you coming round to suck him off? No, I specifically said I'm not. And yeah, in his will, he left, he had eight kids. Actually, I think one of them was dead, seven kids.

So he gave them all like an equal split, but he said he also wanted me mom to be waiting. But it's when he got called bad. Even though like it was me dad's dad, dad's dad. So she got a bit, but I remember like after they sort of sold the house and they divvied all the money up, they divvied it up in cash. And my dad gave me five grand to hold for the first time.

He was like, yeah, that's a lot of money, that's all that. And on like to this day, I can tell you like what it felt like. That's a million pounds, innit? That's a million pounds. I felt like I had all of the money in the country in my hands. Don't say five to it. Don't say five to it.

If you get like five, 20 pound notes, I'd lay them on my bed. I'm like, that is a million pounds. I could buy this house. Christmas day afternoon, when you, when you get all the cash out. Oh Lord. I got a hundred and fifteen pounds. I remember me auntie Sue once gave me a tenner.

So I'd stayed in me nans and me auntie Sue had stayed as well. She didn't live there. Um, and she was like, well, we're going to go to shopping centers today. And we always went to shopping center and I always got like bought sweets or like whatever. And we'd always go to the Morrison's cafe and get like dinner. And she gave me a tenner and she was like, yeah, this is for you. You can sort yourself out. You can get whatever you want today. And I went, do I have to pay for my own Morrison? She's like, no, I'll get you the monsoon kids. You give them money and then you go, I'm using it. You still buy me things. You just giving me money as well. You're doing

it. Is tried to pay for stuff for us. Oh, she's just a good kid. Jack's going to get to that age and be like, fuck you dickheads. You can tell, but she's had a, if she's got a, yeah, yeah, of course. She's covered in Nando's. What you on about? No, if she did, no, but you get the starters. No, but if you're in the shop, there's a data share deal. No, but in the shop and she goes, oh, dad, I'll get that. She'll feel great. And it's cool in it. Like a chocolate bar or something. For herself.

No, for you. No, I'll get both of them. Really? herself? No, for you? No. That I'll get both of them? Really, yeah? No, that's my job to pay for that stuff. Obviously. It's her birthday money or pocket money. We don't give her a set amount of pocket money every week. Why don't you let her pay for stuff, but then give her more pocket money to make up for what she's paid.

Oh yeah, it's job creation, isn't it? It's just helping the tax system. She'll learn the value of the pound. Yeah. Right, you... Look... Etta, we're going to up your pocket money to 350 quid a week, but you also have to cover council tax

and the family shop. So, all right. And also I've got a bit of debt. And it's your responsibility to pay. I'm going to sign that off to you all. If there's someone coming through, you don't have to... There's nearly eight! You need to learn about these things.

Christ. What I'm saying is, couldn't you like, you know when she's in Nando's, she's like, I'll get this. You go, go on, you get this. And she pays the 40 quid. And then when you get home at night, you go, do you know what, you've been such a good girl today.

It is 40 quid. And in her head, she's like, oh my God, my dad's dead sound. And I'm a fucking baller. Why do you not want her to feel like that? Yes, she'll feel great. Oh, 100%. I'll tell you what, I'll just like that? Yes, she'll feel great. Oh, 100%.

I'll tell you what, I'll just put the wages from the podcast in her account. Here you are. Here's the money. Every month. Cover the mortgage. There's a lot of sweets in the kitchenette. You're not spending the mortgage money, are you? She's definitely learnt the value of a pound. Shall we have a break. Yeah, stop.

Life and death were two very realistic coexisting possibilities in my life. I didn't even think I'd make it to like my 16th birthday to be honest. I grew up being scared of who I was. Any one of us at any time can be affected by mental health and addictions. Just taking that first step makes a big difference. It's the hardest step. But CAMH was there from the beginning. Everyone deserves better mental health care. To hear more stories of recovery, visit camh.ca. Hello everybody. It's part three.

What can see BBs? What's wrong with that? Hello everybody. Introducing the section. Guess who's back? Duffy Brown! I am back. That was a very, was that muted in anticipation or were you just muted because of the... I just always start section three like I'm a psychopath for no reason.

Oh great, I like that. I was just waiting for someone else to say your name and then it just became a weird pause. Oh okay, weird pause. But we're here now. Okay. How are we? I'm fine. New Liverpool resident.

Yes, I'm a Liverpoolian, not a Scouser, there's a big difference. What's the difference? I don't know, you tell me. I was sort of hoping that you'd go, yeah, that's so right. He is half right, don't he? He is a Liverpoolian, no. He's an up the reds, yeah. That's what I call us, Liverpool fans, we're up the reds. No, but not football, he's a Liverpoolian because he's a Liverpoolian. But Liverpoolian is a denomination that no Scouser would ever use about themselves. You'd never self-describe as a Liverpoolian, would you? It's the least Scouse thing you could call yourself.

Just a couple of liver puddle going out for a drink. No. Would you text me, would we walk in the pub and you go, just a couple of Scousers going out for a drink. That's what we are, just a couple of Scousers off for a couple of drinks. The thing is that that's what I'd say about me. Me, I'm just a Scouser off for a couple of days. See, the thing is that's what I'd say about me. Me, I'm just a Scouser going down the Green Man for a pint of bevy. Karl doesn't live anywhere near the Green Man. He doesn't walk away from Highton. I'd have to get a bus.

I live in Highton. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's where I've moved to as well. Oh yeah, we're all new. I know where we live, Karl. I know where the damp lives. That's my house, not yours. You got damp? In the basement.

Yes, yeah, yeah. Jesse watched Aquaman too many times in there. And squirted. Squirted over the ceiling. That's what I was alluding to, but thank you very much for- Underlining it twice. Yeah.

Jason Mammal, isn't he? He's a good looking guy. He is good and he's big. Yeah. And he looks like he doesn't look pint free either. There's a level of devil may care about him that suggests like he'd be good fun as well as being pristine. Have you ever seen him clean shaven? Exactly. And that's who he has flaws.

Yeah, like he's one of the ugliest men on the planet. And he like beneath the beard, but the beard really sort of helps him. Yeah. I think there are a lot of stuff as well. There are a lot of bids in the room doing some pretty heavy lifting. I think mine definitely is. Yeah. Yeah. Do you think I'm feeling a bit good looking with a beard? I reckon he'd be better looking. Everybody's better looking with a beard.

I helped you. He threw you under many bosses. No, I didn't. I'm not saying he's good looking now. I. I helped you with that by the way. He threw you under many bosses then. No I didn't, I'm not saying he's good looking now. I'm saying would he still be good looking with a beard? Great save. You've probably got a wonderful sort of fatch to your facial hair, don't you? Like a really rugged and

a real rugged density. You're imagining my hair on my face, aren't you? No, I'm actually racially profiling you. Uh, all right. I think I've got more of the, uh, the other side of the family. Oh, right, yeah. It's more the women.

Yeah. That'd be quicker, we can't. Yeah, I can't. I'm sure I'll get there one day. One day I'll be a real boy. Yeah. Aw, no, you have got stubble. How often do you shave?

I once every three days. How old are you now, Finn? 26. Oh wow, we really have come far, haven't we? Seems to be. I think I was 22 when I first met you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's like, that's barely pubic. Now you're in the real thrust of manhood.

And would you, would you like a beard? Are you offering? Yeah. Fid versus beard. Would you like one? Would you grow one if you could? No, I don't think so. Not right now. Will you do Movember? What, while we're in India? I think that might be disallowed over there. I think it's fine. I think. What, having a muzzy? In India. Disallowed. Yeah. No mustaches?

They've all got muzzy. No, but I think if like, it'll look like we're trying to blend in, won't it? How strict do you think the Modi government is? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll not look a bit triad if we all start growing muzzy in India.

We'll look like a triad. You know what I mean? No, we've got muzzy Adam. No, we haven't. I did have a couple of weeks ago, but I've shaved it out. Give it a go in India. It's going to look shit.

It isn't. You look sexy. And then all the pictures where we look back and we go, oh, wasn't that kind of fun? You're never going to look at the pictures. Like him in Amsterdam. Yeah. It's not worth it. Do it.

Oh, please, Finray. If people don't, if you get a good hand. Do it for charity. Come on. It is Movember, isn't it? It is Movember. Take a charity. So is that one of the bits that will go? Because your face often chooses first which bit of your face goes first. It's not like a dark colour. It's like strawberry blonde. Are you judging that based on your hair? Oh yeah, you look fit. He's good looking. Yeah. Former Aston Villa centre back slash right back slash you. If I look like Olaf Melberg then obviously I'm going to do it. I will do it. You'll never

know until you try. I'll leave it for like a week or so now and you can see where it's at. Yeah please do. Calm down. And then we'll assess the situation. Two shaves? Whoa, calm down. I don't know. I don't know. Do it for charity. £1,000. Would you fuck with your facial hair for a cause? Um, depends on the cause. Because it's a hell of a beard. It depends on the cause. Give me a cause and I'll tell you if I shave my beard off for it. Zoe's Place Baby Hospice. No! already closing down. The Spotted Dolphin. Spotted Dolphin? Is that a dessert? What do you know for the lovely thing? I'd eat some Spotted Dolphin for charity. I'd love to try dolphin. You do sort of vary your beard, don't you? I do vary my beard. I hack it back. Basically, I'm about

two stone away from getting rid of it. Or losing two stone away from getting rid of it, or losing two stone away from getting rid of it, or losing a stone and a half maybe. But it's your identity, you're the man with the beard. Yeah, I know, but I'd like to be a standup. So, uh, uh, uh,

uh, uh, uh, so I'm trying to lose the beard, try and galvanize a kind of new, fresh identity. And I think like I've cocooned myself in this roughage for too long. And I'd like to break free like a butterfly

from my facial hair. And many more successful comedians have told me no successful comedians have beards. And I said, what about these? And then they went, yeah, but there's only a few. Billy Connolly. That's, yeah. Rufus hound. That was quite a, that's a list. That's never Billy Connolly, Rufus hound, Tommy Tynan,

Frankie Boyle, Frankie Boyle. But he, yeah, but he came through when he was kind of clean. He got successful without the beard. Okay. It went like Queen's pussy is haunted era. Frankie Boyle is clean shaven. He makes that joke with a fresh face. It does. So what do you say? You, you need to lose two stone to shave the beard off. Yeah. Yeah. Right. He's worried about looking like a big fat con on his beard. Like, because I think there's a softness to this particular area that the, uh, that the beard does a lot of heavy lifting in papering over the cracks of, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Uh, you can, Jesse on board with it. Um, Jesse doesn't get a say. Uh, no, Jesse is on board with it. Yeah.

Jesse's, Jesse's happy as long as I'm happy. I think Jessie, if I'd lost a stone and a half, I'd be allowed to, you know, do whatever the fuck I wanted. That's the important bit to her, but that's not in an aesthetic way. It's weird, isn't it? How when you're like, when I was in my twenties, I went to the gym so I could be more sexually attractive to the opposite sex and make love to them and with everybody having a great time. But now I go to the gym so that I can live into my children's 40s. And that's different, isn't it? That's a different incentive. Yeah. What can you go to the gym for?

A similar, a similar reason, because at Laura... To live into my children's forties. I can't, I just love them so much. Yeah. Your name all four of them? Little Jeff. Yeah, it's always Jeff. Little Jeff and Big Jeff, that's two of them. Grobbelaar. Sorry, Grobbelaar. And Paul Ince. Grobbelaar's good actually, because you have remembered the name of one of my children.

I don't know the others. Yeah. Elijah. Divock. Lallana. Have you seen James Blunt going to change his name? Yeah. Have you seen what the top comment is? Divock Origi.

Divock Origi, yeah. He said if my album gets to the moon. So James Blunt has said if his, because he's re-releasing his original album, Back to Bedlam. For God's sake. It's a Williams album. Sorry, original album. Back to Bedlam. For God's sake. Sorry, was the original album called Bedlam? No. Oh right, because that would make more sense, wouldn't it? Yeah. That's not what he's doing. Back to Bedlam. Back to Bedlam. Back to Bedlam. Back to Bedlam. Back to Shamima. Back to Shamima. She's not back. No, she's not back. That's the whole

point. You hate James Blunt, don't you? Um, my, one of my first ever standup routines when I was an 18 year old boy trying to speak truth to power, without a beard, um, and without these two extra stone that I've accumulated in that time. I identified James Blunt as the power and spoke truth to him and had a rather ferocious bit of material picking holes in the song, You're Beautiful. So, and I don't hate him, but I do find his singing voice deeply unpleasant.

And I do find the songs sort of, but they're kind of like now it's fun that they're so shit like it's a kind of it's garbage but it's like well he plays on it doesn't he's like he's all like me and I'm shit. Yeah, yeah. Joke is that on online. But I think his singing voice is absolutely beautiful. I just remember it coming on. It's very thin isn't it? No, I don't like your impression of him, but I like his original voice. It's very similar. It's very similar.

It's ah, ah. Oh, does he have to have somebody hurting him every time he's singing? Oh, Lord, oh Jesus, that's beautiful for me. You're beautiful, that's true. That's not bad. It's not bad, hey? If the listener remembers any skill set of mine, it will be my...

Famous for his. Jordan, is that... You're going to have a big voiceover introduction of me coming back on the pod. Remembered for such things as his signature theme tune for Shottie Horror and the Jordan Peterson impression. Do you remember when we used to do that at the end of the episode to the camera? We'd make the guests sit there just like you just show up for a minute and we'd be like right on this week's episode and we used to put it out as like a little good

morning Britain teaser. That didn't last. On this week's episode Alfie talks about his jawline. You always got pissed off because I was child grubbering. I would introduce the whole episode and then just turn to you and be nuts. There was also a bit in the podcast that you used to do where you would play improv games. Yeah, that was early on. That was early on, yeah. It would be like, here's an accent, here's a job. You rolled really well with it, Eashan did really well with it, then went in the wall a few times and we were like, this is painful.

Not everyone is into that. Yeah. Also, Adam made them way more sort of challenging than necessary. It would always be like a Venezuelan bus driver. And then I'd be like, yeah, yeah. Who's just lost his kids in a house fire and has just found a lump. Go. Always so much more difficult than it is. You said that was good though. That was fun. With a little box with all the words that we used to pick them up. Okay. Um, I feel like I got away with that impression because I said Nomi Gusta, which is real.

Yeah. Cause the rest of it was spot on as well. Yes. Welcome to Venezuela. You're beautiful. You're so handsome. One of my favorite things when we used to do that game, which is what I do all the time Yes! Welcome to Venezuela! You're beautiful, it's true! One of my favourite things when we used to do that game,

which is what I do all the time and what you just did, is you would go, he's a Venezuelan bus driver, and then without any fail, at some point in the impression, someone just says what they do, I drive the bus! Like, a Venezuelan bus driver! I don't know if you've ever got a bus in Venezuela. They reaffirm what they are and who where they are. But if he just found a lump and it was hindering his ability or her or their ability to drive the bus,

then they would go, oh, oh, oh, shit. Like, you know. Oh, he's found it mid shift. He's found it. Oh, no! No, he's about, he might be on his way to work. He's getting the bus to the bus and he goes, I'm not going to be able to drive one of these with all these glands in my...

swollen glands in my armpits. And also, children died in a house fire. But he's, ah, that was last week. He's ready for it. He was so lumpy, he'd forgotten about that. Do you reckon people do that? Get the bus to the bus? Get the bus to the bus? Yeah, have you ever seen it? Is that where you stand next to them?

The bus route changes over. So the driver's swap midway along route. Yeah, you get in this listener. And then the one will get out the cab and then drive off and then have a chat with the other one. Do you remember that? He used to stop in Tube Luke and he'd drive off and you'd be sat on the bus with no driver. Yeah. Just be sat there waiting for the next guy. I always think, do

you know when you're at like a service station, like on the motorway, and like you go to like the Burger King or whatever, and there's like some 16 year old seven, you obviously can't drive. Yes. I always think I was how they get to work. I went to they've got to get like their dad like dad, and he just gave me a lift away. I'm working like 17 miles away on the MC. Can I have a lift away? Like, how do they get there and back Through the little road behind the service station.

What? Through the little access road. What do you mean? They don't have to go on... Don't they? They don't have to go on the motorway to get to work at the services. If you work at Sandbach services, there's no access road. Do you know that with a lot of authority?

Yes, Sandbach's my favourite one, it's got a Mackie's. Oh right, there's usually a little entrance. Oh and does that road just go down to a big flat where they all live, does it? No, that's where the campsite is. They all live in the campsite. That's a fact. It's like working in an airport, could you be asked? I honestly don't think anyone ever looks less happy in their job than working either at an airport or a service station.

The people who work in fast food places in those situations. You've got such a proximity to everybody's special time. And you almost feel a responsibility to be excited. Oh my god, we're going to Tenerife, I can't... And then you go, yeah, I'm not. I'm going to Hounslow. So I'm not, I'm going to Hounslow. So I'm not excited. And you're selling, you know, like perfume at 4 a.m. in a duty free that's just open and fully lit

at all times of the day and night. Yeah, the grudging resentment with which Adam, Jack and I got delivered our pints at Heathrow. Oh yeah, and it took a while as well, didn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a weather spoons where you, you didn't go up. You ordered on like the app from the table and we ordered like a, do we order six Bud lights? Yes. Yes. We did. What time? Six. What time of day?

Four PM. The flight was at four PM. Oh, it's not too bad. We're going to Nashville. Yeah. But it was, but that's 8 a.m. Nashville time. And that was the point, we started as we meant to go on. So it was 8 a.m. Nashville time, so we started then. He also got like 98 chicken wings and he threw them down as if to go like, there you go, pigs.

Like. And they were fucking disgusting as well, these sticky gelatinous, really grim. It's just six pints and 72 jingling rings. And I was good enough to get these to you within an hour and a half. Enjoy the four minutes you've got until your flight boards, eh? Do they have to go through security if they, if they, they're like staff entrances? Oh yeah, otherwise that'd be a terrorist dream wouldn't it?

Just get a job at the fucking St. John's And then move up Loads of ambulances Get a job at the John Lennon Airport bar Oh I'm just a simple bartender mate I'm no terrorist don't you tell me And then bang He doesn't have to explain it he He just explains it to random people.

Simple Barman. I'll tell you what I've learned on my travels around the globe in recent years is that some securities are a lot more secure. Do I mean some airports take it seriously and others don't. And I do think if like any terrorist organization wanted to, you know, have another go, there is certain places that they could start at. and I think they'd get the job done. The Al-Aman. Crete Airport.

It's basically it. Iraqlian. Tube station. Dublin. Where you go through, a woman said to me, I went, do I need to take my laptop out? And she went, oh no, I'm sure you're fine. No, no, no, don't be, no, no, no, it sounds like you've guessed. No, it sounds like a lot of facts.

Could you just be sure about this, please? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Like, I got this all the way onto the plane. Now this could be Nitrous Oxide, couldn't it? So everyone fired. Nitrous Oxide. Don't say that on the plane, though. Just let everyone know, I'm not keeping anyone hostage, but this Lucas 8 could be a bomb. I'm gonna sit down now, enjoy the flight. Things have to be thought about going forward.

What do you mean, I've got to come with you? Amazing. I've proved to come with you? Amazing. I proved the point here today. Have a lovely holiday. But you never think about that, like wanting to sort of be part of like a stink, yeah. Yeah, like a secret shopper. You're the secret terrorist.

Manchester airport, don't start there if you want to be. They're taking it very seriously. JFK's insane, Heathrow is insane. Where were we going earlier this year? When we paid, cause we were running late. I paid for fast track, you know, for the security. It's like a five and each. I was like, that will be worth it.

And we got through the fast track like Q. And our Q was bigger than the other ones. Like, no, no, we got to the front and he goes, oh Q there and I went, but that's bigger than them. It was Amsterdam. Amsterdam. And he goes, yeah, so what? And I was like, well, we're in fast track.

And he goes, oh, that's just to get you near. It's not actually through security. And sometimes the queue for fast track is just bigger. I was like, well, you can't be charging me a five for it to be in a bigger queue. I'll just go back and go in that one. Yeah, he was some jobs worth in airports, isn't it? Manchester fast track is good.

It's like a different... No, this was in Manchester. It was on the way to Amsterdam. It was on the way to... You were behind us, you got moved into the fast queue, you mean, and we just shoved in the long queue. What? Yeah, you walked past and smiled.

Love it. There you go. Somebody's got a bit of cachet, a bit of swag to them. What I hate is when you're going through and they're like, if you want to get through quickly, then please can you remove everything from your bags? Otherwise you'll be held up in the airport. Could you not speak to me like that?

You do realize you work in the fucking service industry, don't you? Yeah. Stop being a dick to me. Yeah. When it's your, I just, we're all going to be nuts. The person in front of you is like, what? And has to just unload everything in real time with the tray out already. I would support the implementation

of a knee capping policy for anyone who doesn't put their tray back in the thing. Oh, yes. I'm so passive aggressive. Like, if people walk away, I will literally make as much noise as possible as I'm putting theirs. I've actually, in in recent years dropped the passive and have become aggressive straightforwardly

in that I'll put it away then. It's so entitled and shit. I think instead of having fast track at airport security, they should have three different lanes and it should be, I've never flown before security. I have flown before, but not for a while. And I've sort of forgotten about the laptop thing. That's Q2.

And the other one is I fly quite regularly. And if you're in, I fly quite regularly. And you are, if you don't do everything in like one motion, belt off, ass off, laptop out, into the trace. And then like moonwalk through the thing. If you can't do that all in one go, you get shot the second you walk through security. Yeah, you took the risk. Yeah.

I think that's, I mean, up until a point, that's a pretty good idea. I think shooting, like, you know, take or leave it, I'm not sure. Taking your family through there would be. Prison, two years, take or leave it. I'm not sure. Taking your family through there would be. It isn't two years. It'll stop it though. Before or after you're an oldie? Before? You don't get to go on your oldie? I think also when you're driving, if you see somebody, if you're,

if it's your turn to give way or like you're trying to come out of a side road onto a main road, you have to give way to any car you think is cheaper than yours. And that would mean everything flowed so much nicer. More nicer. And that's often the opposite. My car's quite nice now. And I just think everyone should have to watch a video of me driving once a year and drive exactly like I do. And everyone will get everywhere quicker.

Aggressive. Let one person out. Let one person through the next. Like it should be a zip. One, one. It shouldn't be like, oh, I left five through. Oh my God. Yesterday I let one person out just after Chay's on Park Road. I just let one person out and a second one like tried to come with him.

And honestly, I risked my no claims bonus and got right up and I went, what are you fucking doing? He goes, taxi driver, prick. I'll crash into your car. If I've not said you can go and you try and go, we're having a crash. Like that bit in Last Action Hero. No, this isn't a film. It's happening. You be a blind chicken.

Taxi drivers think they're really bloody road mates. It's not the most appasite reference I've ever made on the podcast. I'm just saying. Oh, wow. Taxi drivers and Audi drivers, pricks. Sorry, Audi drivers. I've got a BMW now.

Let's be honest, BMW are uber cunts, and it isn't even close. It's definitely Audi. Who's the uber prick? BMW. Right. BMW are the top of the tree for cunt. Sorry, Finn. So an Alfie. I know. Sorry. Yeah. Have you got BMW? Yeah. It isn't even

close. You just give off Skoda energy. That is really bad. So nice for it to not be at me for a change. How the squad. That's why baby. Oh no so nice for it to not be at me for a change. Audi squad, that's why, baby. Oh, no, you give off two C's of convertible energy. Yeah, you give off a Volkswagen Tiguan energy. I don't mind the Tiguan, you know. No, I don't mind it. It's a good rule.

That's wasteful, I said. I am not taking that as a bad. No, no, no, no. The new one. It's a good family car, yeah. I've been looking at them. You give off a wholesome energy. I know we're doing this as a banter,

but it's a really reliable car. What car have you got? What's the BMW? It's a BMW 3 Series from 1861. Oh, nice. Two miles to the gallon. It cost me 1,800 pounds from a man, not from a car dealership, but a courtyard somewhere near. Oh, fuck, where the fuck was I? B-B-B-B-B-Bermondsey. Anyway, it was, it's not, it was like off road in this courtyard where it looked,

I thought, oh well, maybe I texted Jessie to say, listen, I'm in this car, this is the reg. If I'm murdered, then here's all the information. That's always good, isn't it? But I was just on the off chance that I'm murdered, but you very rarely do things on the off chance that you're murdered, which suggested that I was in quite a large state of fear. So I got into this and he's, he's wearing the new brand of car dealer.

So it's not wide boy anymore. It's not, oh, yeah. How's it going? You fucking want a car. Lovely stuff. It's, it's a middle Eastern man in Gucci tracksuit with a, with a sling bag. How does he sound? Sorry? How does he sound? He sounds different. Thanks Finn. Thanks for that.

Would you, can you tell us how he sounded? I wasn't there. I don't know. No, but you know what they all sound like. Approximation of the Middle East accent. Huh? Huh? What?

No, I can't do it. No. You're Middle Eastern though? I'm not Middle Eastern. You have Middle Eastern heritage, don't you? It's not Middle Eastern, is it? Turkey. No.

Yeah. It's European if Farage is to be believed. Yeah, no it is. And we all believe Farage. Well, we'll do your dad's accent then. Med, do you want to come, meds? Thank you. Yeah, no, and we all believe Faraj. We'll do your dad's accent then. Med, do you want a car meds? Thank you. Was it him? He looks Gucci. Well, who doesn't? Smoking Marlborough Reds and like I got, I went for a test drive in the car and I went, oh, the indicator doesn't work. And he went, Oh, I'll fix that. And he tried to fix the indicator and then he spends about five minutes. I'm

at the front of the car just looking around this little courtyard, muddy courtyard of cars from years ago. And then he turns the corner with his hands pouring with blood and says I fixed it. Sacrifice. And I went, OK, well, and I just kind of couldn't. I think I bought the car out of all goodness. Yeah, I couldn't say, oh, you're all right. You know, you've lost a bling. Did he fix it? Temporarily, yeah.

And then the car started rattling around. When I was in, I drove it to Somerset and then from Somerset to Falmouth. Thank you very much to my Falmouth audience for coming out. And yeah, I had to change the water because there was no, anyway, buy a newer car than that. I would. This is the new family car.

It's not a family car. It's the family... It's the car to take me around the country on tour. Yeah, it's a comics car. And then I'm going to send it to... After the tour, I'm going to nail it to a frisbee and fling it over a rainbow. And then buy... Blood splattering all over. Yeah. I'm going to get done for that guy's murder. And then buy a Volkswagen Tiguan or indeed a Skoda Kodiak or indeed a Land Rover seven seat bastard or a Mercedes GLB.

Options? Options. How are the family feeling about moving to Loveville? I think that everybody's really excited. It's going to be such a shift in energy from six people in a flat that shouldn't really have three people living in it. You in a one bedroom flat at the minute with all the kids? No, I don't think so for legal reasons, but I think if you didn't work for the government, then I would confirm that was the case.

But given, if we have any bd listening, then there are a lot of us in a small flat. And I will say that much, but I actually sleep in the living room. So it's technically a two bedroom. Anyway, the new bed is a nice seven bed in Highton and we're very excited to be moving there. Yeah. It's, it's really great. Everybody's very excited about it. It's just a case of the anxiety of moving to a new city is trying to find schools and making sure that they won't be like sad in their school. Lids text message me and go

at eight each. I worked for some school down the road. Do you want to come and send your kids here? was that guy? He's going to try and sell you in a BMW. BMW 3 series. Yeah. So yeah, I'm just pretty much as long as I've known you, you've wanted or seen like a future where you live in Liverpool and Jesse's took some sort of convincing over the years and you've just gradually brought it on many couples retreat until she fell in love with it. Also one bed to seven bed will help that one. You know, a little bit. It will. It will help. Yeah. It's going to be, it's going to be fantastic. I just need to make sure that all the walls are dry and that we paint over the arsenal and we paint over the arsenal. You're keeping that kitchen. The fun kitchen. The fun kitchen. Yeah.

With the, with the, what do you call that bit that sits on the other side of that hob? I've just remembered that I've been in your house everywhere boy. You're drinking champagne. Just for everyone, you've not moved in yet have you? You've got the house. We've got the house, we're doing it up and finding the kids schools and over the course of the next year we will find the appropriate schools and then find the, you know, do the house up rather and make sure that it's all nice. And I mean, it was in very good condition when we left it. It's just a little, some aesthetic that wasn't to our taste.

But the master bedroom has an ensuite kitchen. The master bedroom does have an ensuite kitchen. Um, the whole thing, I believe there was an old timer living there and that was so that they could have their own self contained sort of flat annex type situation. There isn't the correct plumbing for a toilet in there because for a toilet to be a thing, you need either a macerator, which is a fun word to hear in a Scouse accent or a shit stack, which is another fun thing to hear in a Scouse accent. So it really has been a festival for the senses this move. I'd rather have an onto kitchen and an onto bathroom because in the middle of the night

you're more likely to make a sandwich than need a shite. It happens five times out of seven days I'd say. Sorry, sorry. I apologize. What? You wake up in the middle of the night hungry? Every single night. What? I don't go and eat every single night, but I'll wake up hungry always. How are you not like a fucking fat swat. An X of mine went on this very strenuous. Well, I mean, just have a listen and make your own mind up how neat a segue you deem this to be. Let's see how imagine if this was I had an, at the board, I had an ex once who

on an unrelated, imagine if I was that rude on your podcast. Shut up. Yeah. So, uh, she would sleep walk and she would go down to her kitchen and she couldn't work out why she wouldn't lose any weight until she realized that all the cereal boxes were empty and she would go down to her kitchen and she couldn't work out why she wasn't losing any weight until she realized that all the cereal boxes were empty. And she was going down and like main lining boxes of cereal in the middle of the night. It's a real thing. Try, would you sleep with milk in them as well? Sleep milk, yeah, yeah.

If there's food in the bedroom, I'll wake up, Nita. My cousin, Katie, the one who's got a kitchen in the bedroom. I just sackle it. You cousin Katie, the one who's got... If there's a kitchen in the bedroom. He's just sassily... You're going to do yourself a lasagne. LAUGHTER Is that called...? From scratch as well. Like laying in the bathroom.

Folding flour into egg yolk. Wait, hold back the peasant. Don't wake him, don't wake him. Not until it's in the oven. LAUGHTER Never wake a sleepwalker when the oven is still pre- sleep water My cousin Katie, the one who's got snakes and lizards and dogs and that.

Pardon me? I've got a cousin. I'd like to be filled in. She's got two, two snakes. Yeah. Wonderful one. A bearded dragon, a lizard, maybe a tarantula, but I might be making that up. And she's definitely got a dog and a bat. She lives in Fersakalee. That's all true. Okay. She runs the Fersakalee Zoo. You'll know. Does she keep the snakes in, cause you have those, you know when you were a kid

and you were at school, you'd keep your like file and your stuff in like a little tray in the corner of the room. That's where you also keep your snakes if you've got snakes, isn't it? Is that where she keeps her snakes? Or does she have a tank? So last time I went to hers,

and you're about to know why it was the last time I went to hers. Cause she had loads of snakes. Yeah, but she said, you having a cup of tea? time I went to hers. Because she had loads of snakes. But she said, you having a cup of tea? And I was like, I'd love a cup of tea. She handed me the cup of tea and I was like, so where's all the animals? And she was like, well, there's the bearded dragon. She gave me that and put it like on me knee. I was like, he's all right.

And I was like, where are the snakes? Well, one of them, Robert is upstairs in the, in its tank. But the other one, Simba, has got out and I don't know where he is. And I nailed the cup of tea and left. I've never been back. And the favorite snakes called Robert as well. Uncle or Mugabe. The same. When you first were looking to come up, I know you had a little bit of hesitation about

the kids moving up here with their beautiful accents and coming to Liverpool. Are you over that now? Are you not conscious of it anymore? Oh no, it's fine. I mean, the amount of schools that I've been to, it's a whole mix and match of loads of different people. Yeah, it's a cultural takeover from the South and we're going to eradicate the Scouse identity. And it's going to be like a culture war up here whereby you seek to preserve, like the Scouse dialect is going to become like the Welsh language and you're all going to talk it but everybody's going to go, oh, it's just an affectation. Nobody really cares.

Northern Scouse are different though. Northern Scouse are much more Scouse than... Northern Liverpool is much more Scouse than... That's not what I'm saying. Northern Liverpool Scouse are much more Scouse than than... Well Northern Liverpool is much more Scoused than... That's not what I'm saying, Northern Liverpool schools are much more Scoused than... Southern Liverpool schools. Yeah totally. Yeah, Bootle's not being gentrified, is that what you're saying? No. Yeah, it might do eventually. That's mad, isn't it?

There's a hotel. No, there's a block of flats. You nearly got it in. In Bootle. And there's a restaurant on top of it. Google that for us, Finn. Genuinely. And it's like Belta. Apparently it's like the best restaurant in the Northwest. What? Google Bootle restaurant? What was the other details? I'm loving that. We're going to build a fucking sky restaurant. 14 Bar and Grill. There you go. What's the Google review saying?

It's got four on TripAdvisor. Oh, nice. Best restaurant in the world. That's good in Bootle. A four star TripAdvisor restaurant in Bootle. It's got skyline views. You can see all the bacon head from up there. On their website says who needs the Bahamas, just look at the sunset at Bootle.

Do you wish? Hashtag not an ad by the way. I've been told the restaurants in Bootle are famous. But that strikes me that they've got quite a good sense of humour, you know? Yeah. That's them trying to be funny, that's not them being silly. What kind of cuisine is this restaurant, please? It's whatever they get from Asda downstairs. Do they sell stuffed and legs? I think it's like steak and stuff. The menu's not loaded. It's a grill. It's a grill. So I imagine fish grilled stuff. Grilled stuff. Yeah. That's a grill. It's a grill. So I imagine fish grilled stuff grilled stuff. Yeah, that's a very common grill

You had some salmon last week, didn't you? Finn do you want to do down versus food by any fucking chance? Yeah. Well, it's interesting you mentioned food You've been trying to get out of this all day. Are you doing a down versus food right now in? Yeah, I don't think we should you one of our closest friends brilliant comedian We haven't had you on for ages and now we we're gonna watch me GIP with a fucking pickle. Julia! That doesn't mean shoving up his ass by the way. Do you have any weird food things?

I have a couple of foods that I don't like, but I would still eat them if it meant, if that was what it took to be polite. But no, there's nothing that I wouldn't eat. What are they? What gets you? I just don't like sun-dried tomatoes. Okay.

So here we go, Dan. It's pickle week. First appearance on the podcast for Julian. Give him a wave, Julian. Hi, Julian. Hey! That was the worst moment of her day. I'd also like to voice my opposition to-

This is awful. Pickles in a pouch. Who are they for? Who? We are,les in a pouch. Finn, could you very quickly just run and get us like a plate? Because this has got liquid in it and it's gonna... Oh we wanted them to... Oh and you've got some onions, some pickled onions?

Yeah, they're good aren't they? You like a pickled onion? Oh, carefully love. Jesus. And we've got some pickled onion monsters? Oh pickled beetroot! Oh you're gonna love that one. Dan, can you take me through a day in the life of Mr. Nightingale from a culinary perspective? Bowl of cornflakes in the morning. Yeah, anything to flavor that?

Do you go for sugar or the Gordon Brown salt? What? Did you just say to me? Gordon Brown used to have salt on his porridge when he was a boy. Oh, right. If you put salt on your cornflakes. On the weekends as a treat. Yeah, yeah. If you have to have salt on his porridge when he was a boy. Oh, right. On the weekends as a treat. If you have too much salt on your porridge, you'll go blind. That's what I heard as a kid.

You do the intro while I plate it up. Plate it up! LAUGHTER Dan versus Food Pipe. LAUGHTER Intro, Dan. I'm a 43 year old with food phobias. I don't like a lot of this shite. What do you mean a lot of this shite? It's pickled on your monster once you start. That's beetroot. You ever had a scouse with beetroot on top? Oh yeah, yeah, sorry this morning I had a scouse with beetroot on top. Beetroop.

Beetroot? Yeah. Not just any beetroot. Pickled beetroot. Now this is the best one. Oh, I'm going to have to get a bit of a go at this one. I'm going to have to get a bit of a go at this one. I'm going to have to get a bit of a go at this one. I'm going to have to get a bit of a go at this one. with beetroot on top? Oh yeah yeah sorry this morning I scouts with beetroot beetroot yeah not just any beetroot pickled beetroot now this is the best oh no it looks like shrek's cock make like your mother and have a bit of shrek's cock come on okay what should we go for first? I think you should be you're the guest start with

the monster munch dance, trust me. What do you think I should start with? Have you not had pickled onion Monster Munch before? I've never eaten a Monster Munch in my life. Have you not? Try that because I think you'll then we'll have got something from the day. You'll like it and it'll be nice. What's wrong with you?

He's doing the narrow again? It's doing De Niro again. It's got... A Monster Munch. It's so good. It's a bit busy, innit? It's not the worst thing I've ever... No it isn't. You know, because you had a thousand year old egg.

I love those. Well, that'll be the last Monster Munch I ever have. Okay. No, the beef ones are well nice. Oh, I would do the beetroot last personally. Oh, he's going for the beetroot. Pickle beetroot. Yeah. Yeah. Lovely. Lovely taste on there. All you go, blood. No nibble HE LAUGHS HE GROANS Oh! That was gross. Nice? It's not as good as the Monster Munch. LAUGHTER

See, you miss Monster Munch though, don't you? Pickled onion, please, sir. I'll have a bit of Monster Munch. You can fuck off my food. Oh, you can have that. Oh, look at you. Look at you. And what's your thoughts Alfie?

Fine, it doesn't really taste of anything. Oh yeah, same. I don't think anything tastes of anything after this. Rather kind of quite powerful, sneak cherry limeade that I'm experiencing. This is taking the edge off rather nicely. Use code word ten. If you don't have any discounts for pickle beetroot. Sans about to have his first ever pickled onion. My mum used to make pickled onions every Christmas.

Oh, that's lovely. Merry Christmas. And give them out to the local street neighbours. Street neighbours? Street neighbours. Look, those street neighbours. I've come round with me pickled onion. Merry Christmas, our street neighbors.

As opposed to the Woodlands neighbors. Where you from? Bitch, you're not having my onion. You're from a different cul-de-sac. All in and bite. Oh, what is that? That noise is horrible. Well done.

Nice. Oh my God. Do you like pickled onions? I mean, that's not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Onto Shrek's cock. That was when you went on in the face. That was how we make it kids lemons. Shrek just came. Oh, what do I do with this? Just bite it like fully. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just bite a bit off like you would like a Twix. It's like some of the McDonald's is just taking the piss with like that's the... Do you want me to take the other hand?

Like we're in Lady and the Tramp. You've got to get a nice big bite so you won't get the flavour. Yeah, don't nibble it. Maybe dip it in the juices. I've already licked it, I've got loads of flavour. Ha! Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Oh, this doesn't feel okay.

Ha ha ha! Talk us through what you're thinking, Dan. There's no total sugars. Oh, but 370mg of sodium. Oh, goodbye. You did better than I thought, there. Well done, Dan. Right, so you know what the best bit about Dan vs Food is? Well done, Dan. Well done, Dan. Pickleback. Pickleback. You're having a shot of tequila or whiskey. Would you try a pickleback, though? Yeah. No. It's rating time. Monster Munch.

Can I just remind myself of the ratings? It's not actually what I like food-wise. How bad do you think it was going to be? It's the Dan vs Food rating. Monster Munch. Seven. Solid. Beetroot. Can I ask a question? What? rating yeah Monster Munch seven solid okay beetroot have you genuinely never had a Monster Munch before no. I had one last night. After you woke up 3 a.m.

Beetroot yeah I did I didn't think it was gonna be that bad I'm giving it a 2 out of 10 yeah that's fair beet roots disgust and I ate it. Piggled onion. I thought that was going to be horrific. I'm giving that a damn versus food eight out of 10. Wow. I think that's a new high score. That's inedible because at most you should have half a slice of that on a burger maybe. Shrek's been with Fiona on the vlog now.

What is the kind of situation with people buying pickles in pouches? It's all big pickle. Is it? You wrap it in like sugary stuff and it's meant to be like the sugar with it's meant to taste amazing. So what am I just meant to get that from the place down the road and go hungry for a snack? Oh you haven't had a garage pickle yet? It's a calorie free day snack. It's not sodium free. I'll let you know that.

76% of your daily intake. Right. Well done, Dan. Well done, Dan. That was really impressive. I actually really liked, I've watched the Have A Word food. We all go to the kitchen and a big fucking pussies about everything special. And it's, that's one of my favorites. So it's nice to see that in kind of live. Yeah, very frustratingly, it's one of the most popular features we do. And I'm so glad it's been brought back. So that was. Can I make you salmon en croute with steamed vegetables and a Parma ham and goat's cheese roulade? No.

No. No. Life and death were two very realistic coexisting possibilities in my life. I didn't even think I'd make it to like my 16th birthday, to be honest. I grew up being scared of who I was. Any one of us at any time can be affected

by mental health and addictions. Just taking that first step makes a big difference. It's the hardest step. But CAMH was there from the beginning. Everyone deserves better mental health care. To hear more stories of recovery, visit camh.ca. To hear more stories of recovery, visit camh.ca. Where's that we ever done?

Anyway, great to have you back. Yeah, not this. No, no, no. This has been really good. This has been good. So far. So far so good. We invited you. You are.

We did invite you. We asked you. In fact, I've been asking you for a while to come back on. You've been asking me for a very long time to come back on, but I've been in hiding. You have been in hiding. Hanging out with Saddam underground. That's why my beard's so long. I'm trying to dug it up after all this time.

You're on tour. AlfieBrownComedian.com. AlfieBrownComedian.com. And yeah, I'm on tour at the moment doing my show. Liverpool dates is Saturday the 19th of October, a hot water, but you are going all over the UK, of course. Yes. I mean, I'm in Leeds tonight, not that there's any use to the listener because they will be acknowledging that as the past. And yeah, Lincoln, maybe if you're a patron from Lincoln, you can come see me on Sunday. But yeah, I'm going everywhere. And it's, it's great. I've got my BMW 3 series

with blood in the bonnet and going all over the shop. It's great. Fixed it. There's a reason you haven't been on for the last 18 months. There's a Twitter controversy and a subsequent loss of work and tour dates and stuff. And it is just worth saying, cause we've had a lot of messages over the past year saying, why hasn't he been back on? Like when everything first sort of happened,

I got a lot of messages being like, why aren't you supporting Alfie? And I was like, I am actually, we're actually really close friends. And I'm doing everything that I, that Alfie has asked me to do. Yes. And it's just worth saying that the reason we're not just going to go into detail and talk about that on the show is that it is a large part of the show you're touring on. That is the best vehicle in which you can express what happened and why. Yeah, it was quite a conscious thing

that I didn't want to tell the story on any podcast and there was no way for me to go on a podcast without mentioning it because not mentioning it would have been sort of obfuscation. So I've decided to tell the story, I suppose, of what happened in the medium in which I feel most comfortable communicating, dancing. And no, stand up, stand up comedy.

And- Just to reaffirm. It's stand up comedy. So yeah, I tell the story in a fair and as unself pitying a way as I could. And I'm genuinely very happy with it and all the audiences so far have been great. And I'm very excited about writing a show that is a bit more upbeat next, but for now this is a very cathartic and people really

seem to respond to it. And it's juicy. So yeah, fucking come. It's a fucking brilliant show. I've seen it at various stages of its development and I've seen it very recently when I opened for you in Chester and watched you get a full standing ovation at the end of the show. And if you are going to go and watch any standup show in the next few months while Alfie is still touring, make sure it's that one because you'll absolutely love it. Thanks, mate. Do you know what they call cancellation in China?

What? The translation is human flesh search. Isn't that great? Yeah. I just learned that earlier. Terrifying as well. You know what's Alfie,ie's been human flesh searched. What are we doing, Dan?

Shall we do some room 102? Everyone loves it. Yeah, except for one guy. Oh, does one guy hate it? I can't wait for this to finish fucking up. I'll delete it all. Could you, Alfie, because you did such a wonderful job on Adam's health update and also... Are they still in circulation these things?

You can cook. So they survived the cancellation did they? Get them re-recorded by somebody else. Nearly went for a name. Nearly. No, they've not survived. Oh, we stopped playing golf and cooking, that's why. They got bumped out.

We haven't stopped doing either of those things. Oh yeah, because those... You stopped talking about a thing. Those fascinations of... Well no, cooking you still do, but you're not talking about cooking as much because it's not as new to you. Hang on, I just want to clear up. We just sort of stopped using them.

We didn't go, oh God, it's been cancelled. Get them off the soundboard. I didn't fear that that was the case for even a moment. Knowing you and this podcast, I did not fear that for a second. Smooth has still been rolling, but I'd love a bassy, sexual Alfie Brown Room 102 from you. Just Room 102. Just say, oh, it's Room 102. Hey, Alfie, can you hear me? It's Clem Fandango. Oh, it's room 102. I mean, so swan take me. So sexy. Yeah. But if you

want me to do any adverts reads for you. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah. I'd love to. Okay. We'll get you on the better help. Better help. Better help. I can't say it. Right. Better help. I need a bit of butter help. We've got a new sponsor called Butter Help.

Have you? Yes, if you can't spread butter. Yes, that's nice. I need that by the way. Yeah? Butter is the hardest thing in the world to spread. Just keep it in a butter dish. Stop leaving it in the fridge.

No, don't put your butter in the fridge. Do you put Leipach in the fridge? I do put Leipach in the fridge because Le, don't put your butter in the fridge. Do you put Leer Pak in the fridge? I do put Leer Pak in the fridge because Leer Pak doesn't go solid enough. If you leave it near the front of the, don't put it at the back. You have it near the front of the fridge. It's still cold.

But of course its name is Leer Pak Spreadable. But you have to do this with it first. You have to like wake it up, don't you? No, I have to do that with butter. But I've started leaving butter just out on the side and it still stays there, dad. Well for 12.95 a month,

when you sign up to Butter Help, you can learn all of this. aside and still stay in that. Well for 12.95 a month when you sign up to butter help, all of this with a lovely magazine and some buttery snacks. My favorite one is when you listen to like a podcast on the athletic and like it's some serious 50 year old bloke who doesn't have too much of a sense of humor and he's got to do an ad read for Manscaped and go, so if you need the crop, crop reviving ball deodorant, then she's like, the lawnmower 3.0 is the best for your balls, oh my God. To be fair to him, everything he's saying there is true. The five is better though, the new one that's old.

Oh, I've not been so behind the fucking manscaped. I want one of those things because I want one for my, not just my cock, but also my balls. Yeah. Well we've got one behind the curtain. You can have it. We do, we do beard ones as well. I've had one for ages. The beard hedger. The beard hedger. Yeah. They do one for your face and one for your cock. Like is it a different thing? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm doing neck one as well. The neck one, by the way. No, it's it's all time. So you need three, one for your face. Neck and all four. Yeah. I definitely need that. I definitely

need that. You know, I listened to heed the call. They get the same reads for manscape that we do. And it's so funny listening to all other podcasters go, well, we've got to do this properly. And then you compare it to us going, no one wants fucking pubes, just fucking shave them. You'll get nushed off loads. It's fucking brilliant. Can you cut this out if we need to stay? Have we still got FOOM as an advertiser? No. So on this week's episode of FOOM. You know FOOM. What is FOOM got FOOM as an advertiser? No. So on this week's episode of FOOM.

You know FOOM. What is FOOM? FOOM. FOOM. FOOM. FOOM. It's a fidgety, not a vape. It's a vape replacement.

You can't say vape. You can't say smoking. You can't say vape. Why would you? So on this week's episode. Right. So it is. It's a fucking empty viral.

Is it like one of these bits of equipment? No, it's well weighted and it feels lovely in your hand. If that was made by an Amish person then yes. It's just a bit of wood with some scent in it. Okay. You should, I don't know whether you used to listen to it ever, but this week's episode of Bill Baer's Monday morning podcast, they put a clip of it out and I thought it was great. So I went and listened to this week's episode and it's his first ad read

for them. And watching Bill Bear do a Bill Bear ad read for that product, he's just, it's so funny. Does he rip it? It's everything we like instinctively did when we first got the read before they were a bit more strict on what they wanted from the advert. I love it. I mean, do you get these people listening to these reads and going, hi guys, could you pretend to like the product at all? No, no, we never get that. We get- Because we're the only back products we believe in.

Yeah, no, me too actually. Including. But we get the, could you do that again and maybe not mention bumholes as much. Yeah, as much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you like pussy, if you like bumholes. Well, Love Honey is one of our sponsors. Oh, they like bumhole. They encourage the bumhole mentions. I, I, I, one of my most rewarding ever trips to the studio was when I left with a vibrating cock pouch thing. Did you stick your willy in it? Sorry? Did you stick your willy in it?

Sorry? Did you stick your willy in it? Well, you have to, yes. You've put it to work. No, I don't. You've been sticking a pickle in a pouch up there. That's how I like my pickles. A lot of people do leave the studio with sex toys though.

Yeah, no, it's rather lovely. One of my pastimes in maybe lonelier moments of my life was to go on websites. I don't think it was Love Honey exactly, but websites like that. And then you click the demonstration videos on things called the monkey spanker. And then you've got this woman

who's trying to straight-facedly go, so you put the monkey spanker around. And of course, they haven't been, this job is not high pay grade enough to get like your big charisma merchants. So it's just this poor woman who doesn't wanna do this. The monkey spanker goes around the top and it comes back up and maximum stimulation for it.

And the monkey spanker is like a little bat, like a little bat, like you'd have a bat and a ball, but there's, like it's got rubber with a hole in it and you just like paddle your cock with it. It's anyway, the awkwardness of those reads was, uh, of those adverts was, was something else. Just a smutty QVC. Speaking of paddles by the way, I'm a paddlesman now. Have you played it up me? Yeah. Why didn't you invite me again? Because it was full. I just got asked to go. You've been wanking with paddles. What's paddles?

What's with being a paddlesman? It's a, it's a version of tennis for the more, uh, astute gentlemen. Oh, Padel. Yes. Like pickle ball, but slightly faster. It's a lot slower, isn't it? Pickle balls like, so like it goes tennis, paddle, pickle ball. Yeah. Pickleball's slow, isn't it? Pickleball's like, so like it goes tennis, paddle, pickleball. Yeah.

Pickleball's for old people. They've got a really slow ball so they can play, yeah. Alright. And really low balls as well. Has Paddle replaced, are you doing that at the Liverpool Tennis Centre? Yeah. They've got a hiccup. And it hasn't replaced golf.

Yow! Yow! Yow! It hasn't replaced golf. Yow! Yow! Yow! It hasn't replaced golf. Nothing can replace golf. No, I'm still playing golf. Yeah. It's not been a busy golf summer for you, has it?

Compared to 2023. No, but I played every day at the Edinburgh Festival, so that's quite a weighted thing because I didn't go there this year. I've been busier. That's true. That was truly your golf summer, wasn't it? Your golfing salad days. I once came in dressed as a golfer as well. Yeah. I never stopped talking about golf. I think that's, you know, looking back, that's the problem. You never stop wanking on about golf and then you sort of stop talking about

it. Well anyway, but now it's the paddle. Do you have to wear golf stuff when you play golf? Or is it just fun? You need the kit. Yes. But do you, like, if you go to the golf club and you go, I want to play in my, if like my car dealer goes in his Gucci tracksuit, is he allowed to play?

I mean, if he goes to like a council course, where it's like, where no one gives a fuck, then yeah. But if he goes to a golf club where you should be playing with a member, then now you get told to fuck off. Okay. What about the paddle club? Would you have to go with a member or...? It is cheaper if you're a member. Okay, good.

Are you a member? I'm not a member, no. Are you playing doubles or singles? You have to play doubles really because it's so quick. So you need three mates? Yeah. Bought yourself a £200 bat, didn't you? No.

£1.95? How much was it? No, it was was 95. Adam, is everything alright with you and paddling because it seems we've taken it very seriously. Everyone's desperately trying to get an in on taking the piss and you're like no, 195. Well if you want to take the piss out of me then you need to find someone to take the piss out of. I've bought a very reasonably priced bath and got a new hobby. It was 195, you've showed me it. I think you've misread it. I must have misheard the conversation we had at the bottom as well. Cool. That was the paddle update. Alfie, will you give us a paddle update?

Give us a paddle update. That was Adam's paddle update. Alright, that's enough fun now. I've been paddling. Where? With my three friends. Discount for members. No humour here. Are you going to play at the weekend? Yes please.

Oh, cut, sign me up. Got Saturday obviously, we're very busy. Both of us. Friday? Yeah. Let's paddle then roast. That sounds lovely. Is it the roast on Friday? No, I'm working from the morning on Saturday.

It's going to be quite brutal I believe. Is the roast on Friday? No, I'm working from the morning on Saturday. Some of us got jobs. It's going to be quite brutal, I believe. So Room 102, we've got some from the listeners. Thomas, Thomas Hurtley says, got a Room 102 for you, eat it. Okay. Very aggressive. No, pay attention to me.

Dad, I'll just... I think actually... Loosening my face. One of my Room 102s is going to be the sneeze of a PE teacher. Which is that reminded me of. Because they're so loud. That's just so like, I'm a man, I've got to like take up... Like that was quite loud, but that was authentic, I'll grant you.

And the sneeze and... You should have... You're ready to be a dad. That sneeze. Yeah. I don't know if you remember the OPE teachers sneeze, but it was so much louder or my geography teacher, Barry Seaman. Uh, who's a relation and he read to David. Yeah. He did look quite similar to David Seaman. Yeah. Did you ever ask? Uh, no, he was terrifying. David Seaman, Barry Seaman. David Seaman is very soft, uh, gentlemen, say funds. How do you know he was called Barry? Cause I read on my reports, it would say like Barry Seaman. Yeah. You, you went to, you went to a school where the teachers just put their first names on stuff? Well you just would sometimes see it on documentation wouldn't you?

Really well. I don't really know how I knew his name was but I knew, like I don't know how many other first names I knew. Mr Seaman's a bad person. No everyone's first name. Oh that's why he let you know what his first name was so that you'd call him Barry because Mr Seaman makes him sound like he's guzzling gum. Well, I'm not...

It's Johnny Innuendo back again. I'm not sure I could necessarily speak to guzzling, but certainly sipping at the very least. I'd better like Barry. They're going to think all kinds. In our school, if you found out a teacher's name, like their first name, you'd shout at them. And if they age, you'd get detention. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, it's John!

Nice. See me after school. Don't call me John. And that was John Cum Guzzler. So, you'd think he would have wanted everyone to know his name was John. I believe you have an intimidating geography teacher in my head. They're all like really mild. Muppet.

Bode and Miss Holly. Holly fit. Yeah. What? There's no three days. Where's the camera on you? Oh, there it is. They did get it.

She took us to Weissland. Um, not euphemism. We went to Iceland in year what would euphemism mean? I'm not cutting out here. I went to Iceland in year 10 with her and a couple of other teachers. It's all mad. I used to get a weird aversion to your teachers. They're just people and you're just a good adult now, but now you're used to like inferior to them, aren't you? She's a lovely woman as well. Great teacher. She genuinely was. Have you seen her? Would you still call her by her teacher name? Miss Holly, 100%. Yeah, without a doubt.

I remember I seen Mr. Dunwoody in Marks and Spencer's. Who? Mr. Dunwoody. Adam used to teach you maths. Yes, genuinely. And he calls me Marks and Spencer, he's like, you're all right, Adam? And I went, hi mate, you're all right?

And he goes, do you remember me? And I went, yeah, we used to work together, Chris. And he went, no, it was your majesty, Chad. Oh, the lack of respect there. Oh no, alright mate. You have to say sir, don't you? Would you still say, would you, surely if you, I saw the, I saw, when I visit their graves.

You alright, sir? Alright, sir, I won that one. You're like, sir. I won that one. You're dead. Who's in detention now? When I was in sixth form and he used to teach me, he added me on the Xbox to play FIFA because he used to play FIFA. And then he deleted me and blocked me because he found out my little brother was my little brother and he was like, Oh, I teach him as well. I'm not allowed to play FIFA with anyone who's below six foot.

He's a cool guy. Probably a good job. You didn't go in the blue lagoon with Mr. somebody else would be flowing. Just to reiterate, he's not a, not a Peter Pan. He was fucking great, genuinely boss, I loved that. I saw the caretaker Mr. Grant at a gig, and someone went, oh, you went to Hutton, and he came over, and he was like, oh, you went to Hutton, and I went, huh, that's a dead sir.

He went, hey, you don't need to call me sir. I was like, I do, because I spent five years of my life petrified of you, and he wasn't even a teacher, he was a caretaker. And that was just the caretakers. LAUGHTER He was a... You didn't fuck with Mr Grant. My old drama teacher is coming to my show in Aberdeen,

so he tells me on Facebook, and I'm very excited to meet... They don't count. They don't count, do they? I was in awe of him as a teenager. Cos they were all sound and shagging six-formers. Well, yeah, and I think the thing about him was that... I think back to the stuff that we were doing. One of us read a monologue from 128 Days of Sodom by the Marquis de Sade, which features the line,

"'Little child, my white fuck is all over you.'" And there was like George reading this at 15 years old, sniggering. There was another one by Sheila Stevenson called Five Kinds of Silence, where the dad explains, listen, you know how daddy has sex with mommy? Well, daddy's going to have start having sex with you too now. 15 years old, Sheila Stevenson plays. The guy with the one where they go fucks the horse.

It was only extremities. The one where the guy, it's like a boiling, she gets raped and then she catches him in the dog cage and tortures him with boiling water from the kettle. We've heard of Mason men. In my theater studies, for my monologue for my A level, I did Steven Berkoff's dog, where you play a, you play, cause it's the most fun I've ever had on stage. You play a skinhead, you play a skinhead like a racist skinhead and you play the dog and you've got

to act it out. Yeah. But that's the thing. And it's got the P bomb in it real hard. Oh dear. Oh dear. And I got an A. Yes. Well, you need one of those to make the word, don't you? Well, mine's been well trodden. We know what I did in drama. Yeah. Don't do it again. What did you do? Um, I played someone with cerebral palsy. Oh, almost too well. Yeah. Full marks. I just want to check the script of... You can off Twitter. I'm on a wink. Dog. There's a thing if you get to read like Of Mice and Men when you're a teenager, yeah, well, this is great. There's a thing if you get to read like Of Mice and Men when you're a teenager you go yeah well this is great he's like he's you know mentally problematic and he's killed the thing and now he's for the responsible bloke has got to shoot his mate in the... Spoilers.

But like if you're doing all of those plays as you're a 15 year old you go fuck drama's like that's crazy like no wonder I wanted to read more plays when I was a teenager. Was drama a choice in our school? I think it was. I don't think so. Drama wasn't a choice at my school. It was A level.

Yeah. Yeah, that was, it was as, oh, GCSE, I did drama GCSE. Yeah, we couldn't do that. I wonder how many people would have done it, because if you think, like there's so many people who went into performing who came from our school, like it's so many really. Um, is it, is it genuine question? Would, would people have been like, like bullied out of it? Yeah. Oh yeah. Mike Rice was talking about this. We drove to a gig together the other, the other week and he was like, Oh, I wanted to act

all the way through high school, but just couldn't have brought myself to do it because he just got fucking killed by his mates. So I had to wait till he got to uni to then do it. And then was loved it. But it's the, the toxic masculinity of teenage lads. I wonder if that's shifting in those, like if kids at the school now would endure the same problems or whether that's slightly shifted. It's much more formative now, TikTok and YouTube. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because the whole thing is about the individual and performance

and we're all taught to broadcast ourselves because we're all so great. So that's actually a really brilliant and great way to be. Do you know what I don't think helps it? The fact that it's called drama and not acting class. It's like drama, like it's not, you know what I mean? The teacher does that.

I've never heard anybody make such a good point in such a bad way. I think that's one of them. Yeah, if it's called theater. Theater studies. Yeah, theater or drama, that's not allowed. No, theater sounds way like, if you did it like acting or... Performing arts.

Just acting. Acting class. I think even as a teenager you associate acting with like, you know, Matthew McConaughey. Handsome. Brilliant. Just call it Matthew McConaughey studies. Yeah, but also like, just show everybody pictures of Colin Farrell and Tom Hardy and like, you know. Yeah, they did drama. So yeah.

There's a bit of Colin Farrell's sex tape where he asks the woman, they're in the middle of fucking and then he goes, so where do you see yourself in five years time? It's the most random. Sorry, Colin Farrell's got a sex tape. Yeah. Yeah.

I've never seen that. I was worried there for a second that I'd said Colin Firth by mistake, who listener does not have a sex tape that we know of. But Colin Farrell does. So he becomes a careers guidance counselor halfway through banging a lady. Yeah, they're both. So where'd you see yourself in five years time?

As it's still on my dick. I think it was a very earnest question. Well, I've studied to be an actuary, but my heart wasn't really in it. Got a cock on his mouth. Have you seen when he's flirting with the reporter and she asked him a question, he flirts back and it's so sexy. Oh yeah.

Yeah. He's quite incredible. He's just got it, hasn't he? Yeah. I'd like to see him flirt with a, um, with all the makeup on for the penguin. Cause it looks like Omar Barbar. It drives me fucking insane. Why bother casting him?

Save everybody a bunch of time and cast fucking Danny DeVito or somebody who looks a bit more like that already. Someone who's uglier. But what if he's a better actor? You can't act underneath all that fucking madness. All the idiosyncrasies that occur in the human face are completely deleted by... It is pretty... but to go we're remaking the Penguin. Who with? Colin Farrell. Danny DeVito. Oh yeah and then the Penguin. Mr Freeze is going to be played by Beth Midler. What are you doing? Is landing the Vito the original Penguin?

Yeah. Is he? He's caught by his mum. I just wanna be like you, Batman. I've got no idea what's going on. Have you not seen Batman Returns? I've seen Batman Begins. I just wanna be like you, Batman.

Have you not had a wank about Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman? Oh, you've never lived. Ours was Anne Hathaway had a wank about Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman? Oh, you've never lived. Ours was Anne Hathaway. Fair shout, but Michelle Pfeiffer. Michelle Pfeiffer's one of the most beautiful women. When she licks herself like a cat, get out. Get out of my life. Oh, my little dick was slightly bigger.

That's a trickier one. Is that a Danny DeVito impression? In that film and it is quite good I will say. Did we have a room? Do you ever get to find out what Tom wanted to put in room 102? Oh, we have been on some of the richest form of ADHD of our lives. I think this sneak has given me ADHD. I swear to God, I think people should just start sending in the names and we'll do the rest. Thomas Hulley says, never mind about that. Have you ever done theatre studies?

What was this thing? Got a room... We're out of time. Thanks for watching. Got a room 102 for you lids. Eating outside, it's overrated, flies wasps everywhere, wind blows everything away, food gets cold within four seconds, sack it off and get inside to eat. Thomas Hutley.

Don't eat outside like you forgot. Oh, he said in, er, Antarctica. That's awful. I like Al Fresco, me. I just want to be like you! To Mrs. Fresco, a son. Ow. Do you not think Alfresco dining is costo?

Outside with your friends, a couple of Vinos, you know? Just finished paddling. Yeah. We went Alfresco when we went to Paris for the Champions League final. We had food and cocktails all day. Yeah, we did, yeah. Yeah, that was good. We did a bit of alfresco in Church Street,

whatever it's called up there. Yeah, when we went to the Bad Boy Burger Club in Nashville. Yeah, you can do alfresco in Nashville because it's hot. It's a billion different. Certain places suit the outdoor eating better. Wigan. Yeah. Alfresco in Wigan, doesn't get much better. Wiggan. Yeah?

Alfresco in Wiggan doesn't get much better than that, really. It's actually a beautiful rooftop bar in Bootle as well. I wouldn't do Alfresco, yeah. Just find us at the top of the Azde. We've got a grill. Fuck knows what we put on it. I think he's been a bit extreme there in tarring all Al Fresco eating with the same shitty brush. Yeah, and if you're on Holly Bob's and you go to a restaurant and it's in the square.

Yeah, or a restaurant as Gordon Ramsay would say. That's the best bit. Do you remember eating your tea outside in the garden when it was a nice day? Yeah. My mum would go, we're eating in the garden. I'd be like, boss. I don't know why it was better but it was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're going to have our tent in the garden. Fish fingers in the garden. I'd be like, boss. I don't know why it was better, but it was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're gonna have our tent in the garden. We're gonna have it in the garden.

Fish fingers in the garden feels so counterintuitive, doesn't it? What am I doing out here with these? I ate my kebab outside before, in the rain. That sounds quite sad. Was no one answering the front door? No, I just entered on the way from Olive Branch to here. I can't, I put that into room 102, eating on the move.

Why? Because, like, I saw somebody with a... I've got shit to do, friend. No, no, no, no, no, no. Well then just don't eat. You don't need to eat that minute. I did? No, you don't. I've seen people walking along in a fleece, which is also disappointing. Whoa, what's on your faces?

Whoa! You see, actually, a fleece. You're a fleece? Hang on. You're a fleece man if you've ever seen one. I mean a minute fleece, like a utility fleece, like a sad fleece. Okay. It's a different kind of fleece.

It's a fleece that's a resignation to effort. Like it's a... A regatta. Something like that. So I got a Ben's cookie on the go eating the Ben's cookie. Like if you're going to eat that, take the time to fucking enjoy it. You can't just like be busily going somewhere. Also, what makes you think you deserve a that, take the time to fucking enjoy it. You can't just be busily going somewhere. Also, what makes you think you deserve a cookie, Mark Marron?

Fuck you! You want a cookie, you pussy? You just stood next to Millie's going, do you deserve this? Yeah, I do feel I've got real... You know, if you're going to experience pleasure, engage with your pleasure. Oh, I think a cookie, as you're strolling to your destination. That's not too offensive, is it?

It would be like walking somewhere, masturbating. A lasagna scene. No, it wouldn't sit down. No, I said like. I didn't say the same as, did I? What I was trying to do was create an amusing equivalent for your podcast listeners to enjoy. Don't ring your bell at me, Daniel.

A cookie's fine, but a lasagna, you can't walk. You can't eat a lasagna on the wall. Bowl of Cheerios. Well, I'd be more keen to see somebody walk eating a lasagna. Like a sandwich. Lasagna's getting a lot of air time today, isn't it? Lasagna is technically a sandwich, isn't it? It's meat cake.

It's a sandwich. It's meat between layers of wheat, sandwich. Are we voting on this? Yeah, use Fokta. Eats outside. Guys, piss off, Tom. Thomas, no sir. No sir to you.

Mark Williams says, wag wag lids, just back from holiday where I saw far too many adults wearing pool shoes, those weird wetsuit-looking slip-on numbers. These make grown-ups look like an absolute turbo nonce with an ulterior motive for being around the pool. They should be locked up in room one or two along with anyone who wears them for all our safety. They are good for water parks though.

They're great for water parks and what if they've got Varukas and they're trying to protect you? I'll... Also if you're ever going in like in the sea. Yeah, I would say this is a beach shoe. It's not like it's a, it's a beach shoe for going in the sea and then not wanting to put your foot on all the slimy rocks and what not. I mean, Siam Park, they're absolute necessity. Yeah. They look bad, but they're useful. And all the scorching hot sand of the beach, you know, flip flops are going to, the sand's going to ride up. This is just good, you know.

Not for the pool though, in the hotel. Yeah, if you're doing it in your hotel pool and you haven't got a veruca, then bang out of order. Yeah, but you're going to check, sorry, you're wearing the, do you have a veruca or is it, or are you just wearing those as a fashion sort of... No, just muttered under my breath, I can't have a veruca. Why did I get so many verucas as a child and I haven't had one for years and years? Because you've swum a lot more, haven't you? Right.

I've been swimming. But you've built up veruca antibodies, haven't you? Have I? Yeah. Oh, that's good. I made that up, but it sounds plausible, doesn't it? I felt like it was a real problem. You didn't ring your bell then, did you?

No. I was talking shite. Have you also had chicken pox recently, have you? No. So I must have built No. Or AIDS. I've had the... Nasty heartbreak. The immunisation against chicken pox.

Because there is a problem if you did it as an adult you can... Infertil. Die. Oh right. Well don't worry about that because we're going to India so we've been inoculated for absolutely fucking everything. Fucking hell. They offered us, was it?

Six. Japanese not weed. What was the thing that we got? Japanese cephaloflyphlysis. That one. Yeah. That one. Because apparently you get a brain injury if you get that and you're probably not going

to get it in India because it's based in Japan but. Hepatitis A, B, C, D, the whole alphabet of hepatitis. Rabies. Colera. Yeah. No we haven't had the cholera one yet. Lots of drink at the end. Six inoculations we've got today. We've got

more to come in one go. It was a lot. Jesus H. Mark, when are we giving you this? No, no. Daniel Chapman says, Chapo from Sydney, Australia here with a submission for room one or two. It's my birthday sashes, badges, or anything similar. What? In public. I don't think he's a fan of the, anything celebrating your birthday in visual form. I think over the age of 16,

if it's not kind of done in a kitsch localized environment, but also I think like this is my whole controversial opinion on half and half scarves at the game. Who cares? Like just fucking leave it. It's like if you're somebody else, something else, somebody else is wearing. Do you hate the half and half or do you just think let them, let them? I just don't care. He doesn't care which means he goes heavily in favor of them to wine,

people like me and Rob Thompson. Yeah. Can I just I saw some Italian Bologna fans the other the other week. It was like last week was it? Italian ones to be fair. Yeah they're not a massive international but they had the half and half scarves and I thought this is big for you because I remember watching Serie A in the nineties, Bologna are like a mid table team at their best and they're in a rich vein of form. They're in the champions league. Like I sort of think

it's cute. You get it totally. I took my friend, like this is about 12 years ago to go and see, I had a spare ticket for Liverpool Everton and he'd always wanted to go to Anfield he'd been to every other ground been a dream of his to go so why don't you come with me and he was a Fulham fan but to commemorate Stephen Gerrard's hat trick that day he got a half and half scuff and it was fine. We watched that in envy that feels like a mad game to get a half and half scuff like to even make them. Yeah, it does. But I think it is for like who's buying them. Well, it's him. It's full

of fun. It's full of fun. All the full of fun. Awesome kid whose birthday present the tickets are like fucking hugely important. It's yeah, let them have it. It's the it's like the white, white socks thing. It's like like why do you care what color my socks are like what what cuz possessed you so I am getting to an age Where I am starting to resist and hate these things like the fact that like I'm not allowed to wear white socks No, it's with jeans. Oh, and it's not my socks. We're white socks all the time both of us there Yeah, but like he's a jeans man. He got them on. You're moving up here lad. I'm a jeans man. But he would wear nothing but white socks once he moves here because he's a contrarian.

But I've got my jeans rolled up so I'm fucking rubbing it in your... This liver podling is rubbing it in your scouse faces. You're working it as well which is a little... Sorry? You're working it which is annoying. Thank you. You're not allowed to but I want to. I'm just pushing back on customs now. I'm getting it as well, which is annoying. Sorry? You're working it, which is annoying. Thank you. You're not allowed to, but I want to. I'm just pushing back on customs now.

I'm getting some white socks. Oh, just do it. Do it. I'm sorry. Maybe not. Should we do some advice and get out of here? Yes. Well, we're not getting out of here.

We've got film clubs. I can't wait. I'm really looking forward to it and prepped and excited. If you want to do it, youpped and excited. Is that alright? Yes. I always hear Adam's cold when he's singing. Egg of the Earth. That's Roy Hodges.

Yeah, it's Roy Hodges and we've got Roy Hodges singing. I might make a roast chicken tonight. You got bored, Dan. This is from an anonymous lady. An anonymous lady? I haven't got so bored. Are you an anonymous lady? Hi lids, I need some advice. Me and my boyfriend are both about to make a roast later. No, me and my boyfriend are both into some rough and kinky sex, so much so that we use a safe word, bulgaria, for if things are hurting too much, etc.

It's not meant to be a sexy word though. You think bulgaria is a sexy word? Bulgy, isn't it? Bulg-bulgy. Me bulgeria? Me bulgeria, there you go. That's where they keep me cocked. For if things are hurting too much, etc. My boyfriend started a new job recently and there's a, you guessed it, Bulgarian uni student

working there that he seems to be overly close to. It feels like something from a fucking sitcom. Maybe... It's the first thing I thought of. We've got a pause here, guess what happens next. It's the first thing I thought of. We've got a pause here. Guess what happens next. Oh, there's going to be a Bulgarian supermodel work. I'm going to miss that. Maybe I'm just being paranoid and they're just friends,

but I find myself getting jealous. Obviously, the worst part of it all is that if the safe word is used in the bedroom, I immediately think of them together flirting at work and I get completely put off. I don't even know how I would broach this with my boyfriend or if I should find a way to change safe words and just forget about it all. Any advice? And that's from anonymous.

Surely this makes it the perfect safe word? Yeah, it's turning you off. Yeah, cause surely a safe word- If you don't know, a safe word isn't meant to like, a safe word isn't meant to turn you off. A safe word is just to go stop. Ouch. I'd like to continue on enjoying pleasure. So could you just release your grip or whatever? Yeah. It's not stop. It's like, okay, let's go back. Yeah. Just like the firearm. Everyone has to go out into the car park. It's how do you say, like if depending on what kind

of sex you're into, how do you say Bulgaria with a lavatory ball cock in your mouth or whatever? Oh yeah. I'll just say anything. How do you say it? Mask on. Yeah. But how'd you say any safe word with the, yeah, but sure. That's why I think a safe melody would be a meta. Yeah. That's what I do when I come. So I've stayed at yours in the room next door, safe melody. When you won can I try for anybody who can name that melody by the way, green sleeves go again. I thought it was the Europa league theme. I don't know. I can't remember. I want the listener to tell me, let me know what melody that is. Cause it's going to drive me insane. I don't know, but it's really affecting my erection. Do you and Laura have a safe word? Yeah, we do. Get out.

What are you doing in me bed, G? Get off me, you fat bald cunt. That will work. Yeah, it's more of a safe phrase. That will slow me down. She sings it. And then I know she's had enough. She usually says that as I'm sort of parking up on the driveway. She just starts shouting Bulgaria. Surely if you are into kinky BDSM sex, then the, I like the feeling of, I kind of, I've got a few people who I know who like

to describe fucking other people whilst they're fucking, because the jealousy is an aphrodisiac. Oh yeah. I've seen that. That's a thing in it. Yeah. So why don't you just get off on the idea of him. Where did you go? She's like, ah, I went to the little chef and got bummed and he's like, ah, you dirty bitch. But if you, if you can get your boyfriend to describe to you in some elaborate detail, the delight of tilling this particular Bulgarian field, then maybe there's... Oh Christ almighty!

That was so well done, but gross at the same time. Yeah. Tilling the field. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was really, it was distant, but very close as well. Isn't it? It's horrible. Make a room about Hristov Stoichkov and then she might just be put off Bulgaria forever. How long has Stoichkov been banging around your head there? Not long. All right. Okay. I thought you'd literally from the start come Bulgaria. How many other

Bulgarian footballers can you name? Lechkov. It was Stylian Petrov. Was he Bulgarian? Was Burbatov Bulgarian? Dima Tarty Burbatov? There you go. And there you go. I'm glad we get that. I want Dima Tarty Burbatov to be the last words we say tonight. Is he Paddington Bear Bulgarian? No, Peruvian.

Deepest, darkest Bulgarian. You're thinking of Uncle Bulgaria. I am. It's weird that I didn't get that. Is it even though he is? No, he's from... What's Uncle Bulgaria from? Wambles.

The Wambles. Where are you thinking of that? I think so. Are they Bulgarian? Yeah. Do they have an accent? No, they're from Wimbledon. No, they live in Wimbledon.

Doesn't mean they're not Bulgarian, Dan. All right, Brexit. Just? Just? Just a bunch of Bulgarians in Wimbledon, doesn't mean he's not Bulgarian, Dan. All right, Brexit. Sloan's a Bulgarian in Wimbledon. Katie Mellewa. Is that badger that killed somebody on Wimbledon Common? Do you remember that? Yeah, he was a Bulgarian.

A Bulgarian badger. He was bad news. Um... Change the country. Yeah. Make it, um... It's just sexy though, isn't it? Raya Shah.

That's not going to calm you down. Kazakhstan. What? Kazakhstan. Yeah, Eritrea. Tajikistan. How do you say it? Tajikistan.

Bosnia and Herzegovina. Oh no. Say it wrong. I think it's Herzegovina, isn't it? No. No. Greg. If you said that wrong, you'd be like, there we go.

Rwanda. Say all countries wrong. Just a piss. Rwanda. Russia. I reckon, tuna. What's russi? Russia. Oh yeah.

Where's tuna? China. Tuna can't be a sex word. Oh, tuna. That would be a good one to stop things in motion. Can I just say, beautiful podcasting. That would be good. Let me move us on. Well, I'm just trying to help out our listener or your listener. It stinks. Change it to it stinks. Again, it's not meant to put it off. Oh yeah. Yeah. Can't be like fucking hell

if you're the shower. Oh, slow it down. I think in the real world, this is a problem that is hers. She needs to get... You can't... You're putting a rug over the cat shit if you change the name of the safe word. Definitely using it again. You'll go over the cat shit? That'd be a terrible idea. You've got to go to him and go, Yeah, that's what I was, yeah. You've got to go to him and go, hey, you know that Bulgarian supermodel,

Sturmey Hedin, and you can still talk to her, but you can't remind me of her in the bedroom. So new safe word, Johnny Bravo. He's sexy though, isn't he? Yeah, so actually it should be from Cow and Chicken. It should be, no, I love you big boy, do. Do you remember Cow and Chicken? That's sexy as well, though.

Mama had a chicken, Mama had a cow. Sing that remember Cow and Chicken? That's sexy as well. Mama had a chicken, mama had a cow. Sing that. Dad was proud, he didn't care how. Is that the theme song? That was one of the best. The theme song. Cow and chicken impressions.

Is that the theme song? Ever. Not for nothing, Dan. Say song wrong as well. That was the theme song anyway. Right, we're done. I've got to go and do a radio interview about these fucking kids. Just how can we fucking wrap this up? You're a wonderful anthropologist. That was the theme chunk anyway. It's right. We're done. I've got to go and do a radio and see about these fucking kids. Just tell me fucking wonderful.

I'm not sure that that's the best. I've got text from you. That's weird. Did you do that? Just before we started recording and sent you the picture of all of us. All right. Nice. I'll send you a picture back.

Alfie Brown comedian.com Alfie Brown comedian.com purchase tickets to come and see me on tour and you must that's That's great And Finn, we have one of our own playing us out today on Audio and video Don't break it, you broke another one of them What do you mean have I broke another one of them? I've tried to move the mic towards my face so I can slag Finn off and it fell apart

Well two have broken the history both yours I've tried to move the mic towards my face so I could slagfin' off and it fell apart! Well, two have broken the history, both yours. We've got more, it's fine. Right. It's done. Audio and video listeners, this is my tune, my new single, Outskirts, which is out right now.

Banger. Give it a listen. Get the kitchen roll for the video. If you've not listened to my stuff before, give it a go. Add it to your playlist, tell your mates all to my stuff before, give it a go, add it to your playlist, tell your mates, all the good stuff, the links in the bio. And then if you like it, come to my gig, which is in two weeks. Saturday, October the 26th. Jack around the Baltic. Is it? Tweet him saying you love it. It's really good. Put it on your social media,

Instagram stories. Can you do it? This is my name is Finlay K. I will let you do it, but I've got to be the headliner. Don't let me be the support. Oh yeah. I'm Finlay K and the headline is stuck in traffic. So I'm going to do the whole show. This is outskirts, which is where the real Music In old life Some things have changed But not much new Around my life I'll see you I'm in Bolivia, skirts of town The city of Bolivia, skirts of town

The wave of the world is dragging me down And I think too much, feel I'm losing touch And I get no sleep When I close my eyes, I see no sign of that sweet belief I feel like I want it more But it just felt the same as before All things must change I guess that's true Around my life

I'll see you In the middle of the obvious cuts of town I'll see you in a minute In a minute you'll live beyond your skirts and style The weight of the world is dragging me down Been facing much, been losing touch And I get no sleep When I close my eyes I see no sign of that sweet relief Look how the wind blows It feels like it's over Look how the wind blows I don't even know you The cold wind blows, it feels like it's over

The cold wind blows, I don't even know you In the middle of the old skirts of town The weight of the world is dragging me down And I think too much and I lose in touch and I get no sleep When I close my eyes I see no sign of that sweet relief The cold wind blows Things ain't so fun The cold wind blows

I don't even know you anymore