Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #329 with Michelle Shaughnessy - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan, Carl & Finn

Episode Date: May 18, 2025

Tickets, merch and loads more available on our website! haveawordpod.comTickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Adam's Tour: https://www.adamrowe.comDan's Tour: https://dannightingale.comComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comDan & Finn's September Karaoke Party: https://www.skiddle.com/e/40966945Listen to Finn's new single 'Remedy': https://FinnlayK.lnk.to/RemedyAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsCheck out Finn's single 'Outskirts': https://FinnlayK.lnk.to/OutskirtsThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_podcastLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: AFF-WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20Manual | https://manual.coGet 45% discount on the initial at-home testosterone blood test kit with code: WORD45Huel | https://huel.com/haveawordpodGet Huel today with this exclusive offer of 10% OFF + a FREE Gift at huel.com/haveawordpod with code: haveawordpodMerch:https://haveawordpod.comADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening lids, before we start this week's episode of the podcast, I've got to tell you my brand new stand up special What's Wrong With Me is out right now on the Have A Word YouTube channel. That's youtube.com slash have a word pod if you're listening on audio and if you watch it on YouTube, you're already there. It's the best thing I've ever done. The production value is insane. The reaction has already been insane.

And I only released it like an hour ago. So I'm very grateful to everyone who's going to watch it, but do us a favor. If you enjoy it, like it, leave a comment, and especially share it, put it in your WhatsApp groups, put it in your Instagram stories, spread the word for us. Let's blitz the views we did on my last special. I'm really proud of this one.

Not just the stand up, like obviously I'm proud of the hour of stand up that I wrote and it went well all over the country, but the amount of work and effort and attention to detail that will be and the rest of the team have put in to creating this product is just levels above, above anything we've ever done before. And I can't wait to see what everyone thinks of it. So what's wrong with me? Full standup special out now on the podcast YouTube channel that's youtube.com slash have a word pod. Watch it, like it, share it.

Appreciate it. And I'll see you soon. Enjoy the episode. It's class. Hello everyone. Before we start today's amazing episode of the have a word podcast, we need to tell you about our patron, patreon.com slash Have A Word pod.

It's one of the biggest patrons in the world. It's the biggest in the UK for good reason. Isn't it, Finn? Yeah, you get an extra episode every week of this. You get all the specials. How many specials is it now? There's about 743. And they're all unbelievable TV level stuff. Lock-ins, we've been to Nashville, we've been to India, we've done so much. If you enjoy the vibe of the Have A Word podcast,

become a lid, join the Lid Army, patreon.com slash have a word pod. Also, Adam is one of the best comedians in the country. Go and see him live. I'm a good comedian, I couldn't say that. You're one of the best in the country, don't put yourself down. Go and find my tickets as well.

We do loads of live stuff and we've got a huge announcement coming soon tweak a nipple get excited sign up to the patreon enjoy the episode. Finn was great in it. Always. in the game from the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only Have Award. Brought to you by Manscape, the very best products on the market for below the waist groomer. Go Ed, get on me. Oh, it's beginning to look a lot like summer.

You look fresh. Thank you. Yeah, I feel like summer. You look fresh. Thank you. Stripey keks on. Oh nice. Stripe pants. Nice, I like these. Be careful.

Now, how are you finding life in the Birkenstock? Because when on, it wasn't Danday, it was your day where you got to dress me like a pedophile, more like a pedophile, laugh, laugh. You put me in Birkenstock's, truly uncomfortable. Really like they've made it difficult on purpose. Like a mold in the foot that's like up in your arch. And I know that's meant to like,

smooth out, but it didn't feel comfortable. I think you've just got gammy feet, you know. Have you got flat feet, Dan? I've got wide ass feet. Have you got flat feet? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got sensitive feet? No, fucking hard, mate.

Wide, wide boys, mate. I've got wide feet because I've got sensitive feet. No, fucking hard, mate. Wide, wide boys, mate. I've got wide feet because I've got like a 60 degree angle in mine. Yeah, you're a penguin foot. Yeah, so mine are very wide, which is why the Birkenstocks are good. All right, okay. I just thought it felt uncomfortable in my arch.

The only problem I have with these is that they were slipping off my feet, but then I realized you can tighten them. And since I've tightened them, I made them fit. You need to get the go-faster strap on the bike. These are no sound. I like my strap on the back to keep the bond. My ex had a little white pair of Birkenstock with a little feet and I liked them. Now another one that look, you know, it sounds like you're describing the child. What? My ex, my little white pair with a little feet. Well, she didn't choose

UK 13 sorry for not dating fucking antelopes what Well, I meant a moose I think the double shot of espresso that we had about eight minutes before we started recording. Yeah, I'm fucking fired on all cylinders here. Are you feeling it? So we made Carl have a double espresso just to see what happens. Made everyone. I just, I will do a poo in the near future. Wow. Did I tell you? Oh God, you live on the edge, Carl. Well, I did it before me last ever English

exam in uni. I was like, it's the biggest one I've ever done. edge, Carl. Well, I did it before me last ever English exam in uni. I was like, it's the biggest one I've ever done. I was like, right, I need to have coffee. Don't know why. They didn't double shots of espresso. And then an hour into the exam, Joe, when you're writing and you're like, your arm hurts. I was like, whoa, my arm feels like they're fast.

What's going on? I was like, oh shit, I feel mad. I was like, oh, I feel fucking wired. So caffeine affects you so much that it becomes the claw from liar liar. It doesn't have it. Oh, I just felt like fucking on. Oh my God, you're a blank slate.

Yeah. And most caffeine he has is a diet coke, innit? Genuinely. You don't have energy drinks. You don't drink full fat coke. You don't drink tea and you don't drink coffee how good is that after the game of 40 year lucas a every intoxicant you'd feel the most from jealous it's such a weird control thing and it's not good isn't it yeah we know but just in terms

of like if you get into it maybe it is good it is good but it's also really patronizing we will do that oh lad going to parties lad i wish i wasn't on the limo. Me. All the lads having fun. I'm so there. I wish I was like you and they all go to the bar and have a scream and come back again. I think you want to try limo. Don't you? There's part of you that like wants to do. I want to try it all. I don't want to try it. You try heroin. Why don't you have a big bag of shite then? Oh hang on. Don't start with a big bag of shite. If a double espresso has got you nervous, if some coffee before an English exam made

you lose control of your right hand, I'd say a line of shite rather than a big bag of shite. You don't want to do one, I want a night old. Like three or four times a year I want to get a bongos. Like I thought Newcastle was going to be that and I was dead excited. And then when you got off I was like, ah, it's not going to be that. And then it wasn't that. What are you doing tomorrow? No, get me carpet fitted. Let's go and put it in the fucking wall. Is that euphemism? I want to go out. What's going on? I'm in Liverpool all week. I want to go out. What's going on? I'm in the pool all week.

I want to, I want to. Are you just, what? I want to go on a night out, I want to get drunk. Have a bag of shite. Carl, don't get into coke when I'm not allowed to. I would be so sad. Listen, when we were out in London, some of the boys were having it and they were like,

oh, I feel bad, like ordering some in front of you. I was like, this is your time. Sound, go for it. I just have me and Carl, this is my little- Oh no! Is it that good? Is it that good? No. It's not, I've done it.

It's not. No. But if you suit it, if you could go- So I don't like weed. I don't think weed suits me, whatever. However my brain works, it does not suit me. When people are like, oh my God, it makes me feel so chilled and I love it, I'm like, it makes me feel really,

I got full of self doubt and like, just I feel horrible. Like sketchy. If you could go back, when did you start on the chis? How old were you? Early 20s? Late 20s probably. Late 20s? Yeah, because it was too expensive.

Would you go, if you could go back would you not do it? Um how? Gotta say no regrets brother. Yeah but. You've got no idea. I don't know if I'm going to drop dead at 48 you know what I mean? So maybe yeah. But you could argue that like without being chiseled off your head, you would never have met Laura and then you wouldn't have kids. Yeah. So what? Butterfly effect, isn't it? Yeah, it's different routes, isn't it? So I was already doing standup and I met Laura.

Laura saw me at the Nottingham Glee. Where does cocaine come into that? Well, maybe you did cocaine one time with someone who has a hand in booking the Glee or something and they booked you more often because of it. Absolutely right. I'm always doing Gatwick off the curb. The London agents who I've never met any of them. But you know what I mean? Like it suddenly suddenly suddenly something. Yeah. Maybe you're dead skinny. Yeah. Laura wasn't into chubby fellas. I was a bit of meat on. Right. Maybe I probably would. You will go back and not do it or you continue to do it. I don't know. It's difficult. Do you prefer pills or, or cheers? It's just

less of a commitment, isn't it? No, I'd, I'd, I'd go back and do it. I want to do it now. That's the problem. I'd like to do some right now. Honestly, if you come back with pre and got, listen, they had espresso, but they also had a big bag of shy. I'd be like, let's fucking, I think I go back and do it. Oh, get it out. Your sister, Merly doors. Yeah. It's like when versions gets to like 30 and it's like, ah, lad, your first shot is going to be so poo because it's like, because it's weighing on them and like, it's like pressure and like. I felt like that at like 12. It's going to get it done now, you know what I mean?

First shag. Get it out the way, yeah. 12. If I was shagging my eyes. 12. 12. You lost your virginity at 12. No, I felt the pressure at 12.

Oh, right, right, right. Do you need to get the hammer? I'm on the shelf. Like I'd like to do it. 13's when I lost my virginity, my uncle got me a brass for me right, right, right. I'm on the shelf. Like I'd like to do it. 13 is when I lost my virginity and my uncle got me a brass for my birthday. Okay good. That uncle happened way too quickly after virginity at 13 then. We thought that was going to go... what happened? I'd do it when everyone else did it for the first time. Are we just ignoring the 13 year old brass? Are you just moving past the pedophile prostitute? He was sexually assaulted in Hebejibi's dam, wasn't he?

Hey, and I take that very seriously. If anyone mentions SA or South Africa, I take them very seriously on this problem. What, Steve Austin? And Steve Austin, who everyone knows as SA. What? What were you saying? I've got four conversations going on.

It wasn't a Peter. By the way, my uncle also got me a fake ID that said I was face to. She looked at that and like go ahead. It's good that you had the mustache. She was taking she was IDed. Oh, she was a busy girl. Once she bounces on. I need to see some ID love. Well, yeah, I do it whenever and answer the toe wasn't a thing. Cause now if I do it, he's all going to be like, they coughing is recorded. Yeah, but like so what? Yeah, don't do it. I don't want to do it. Carl on the quiet. Just don't tell anyone. Oh yeah. That always works out really well. I'll give you my therapist number. Um, I mean, yeah, no, I probably would still do it. You're never going to do it. And that's fine. And also those dickheads as well. I wish I was like

you. They could be like you. They could just barely do it. It's really annoying. Just like, you know, it was only when I'm talking like going at me to any of the other lads. I wish I wasn't on it. And then they all go. That's why I think it's right. Cause I never look at you when I'm blathered and think I wish I was sober like him. I'm made up. No, I think, I think when I'm gin 10 Guinness and you're still on your second fucking Lucas aid with a bit of fucking rum in or whatever it is you drink these days. Oh, rum and Lucas aid! I think what they mean is they wish they didn't rely on it.

Yeah, I love a pint. Class. I don't envy you. No, that's not the same thing though, is it? They're like running night out. That's what I'm saying. That's why I think Coke's shite and pints are class. Because I don't look at... When I'm squatted, I don't look at someone sober and be like, you look like you're having a boss time. Yeah, no one who does like everyone knows that the pints are class. Like it's you are in such a better lane. If you can go, I'm just going to stick to the pints.

It's once you make the connection to I'm having pints. I need some of that. I once you've made that connect so hard to break. And we've we're probably treading on fucking well trodden have a work around it. I've just never understood it. Like every time I've done it, I reckon I've done it five times ever. Flex. And every time I've done it, the next day I'm like, what was all that did was like delete the last eight pints I had. It just, it cost me whatever the drug cost and then the 24 quid for the pints. I'd love to see your self-confidence on it. I don't think he goes

that way. I reckon he trips all over and come back to the bottom. Oh, ego death. Yeah. No, that like, it doesn't happen. I just stayed the same I think. Yeah. Tried to invade Cuba. Adam, you can't swim to Cuba. Fuck off, I'm on the shite. I just think I stayed the same. Yeah. The lads that went out with me in the 20s, like, they had a bevy, it was, the next step was when are we getting something? And then you become mates with the guys that do that and your real mates are like, oh, I'm not that awesome.

No, they are real mates. No, but that's what happens in these circles. You start going, oh, fucking Dave's more fun because he's having the, and that's what happens in these circles. You start going, ah, fucking Dave's more fun because he's having the, and that's a sad thing as well. When you're real mates who you've known for ages aren't into it and you start like leaning towards the smackheads. Then the next hour is how they're getting it, where they're getting it. Like can we just fucking, and then, and then it's going to bog every fucking 15 minutes. Yeah, it's exciting.

I used to need a poo when it was being like when it was on the way just through his sort of like excitement muscle memory. Yeah. Oh, it's coming. Fuck me. Like a dog who can smell his dinner on the side wiggling your ass. Hey, chicken man. And it was banging on it's great. Oh gosh, I've got to stop talking like this. Can I tell you how much I nailed yesterday? Just tell you this. What did you do? Hang on, let's have a look. Listen to this for the day.

Right, listen to this. Did you do any housework? Sort of. Don't goad him into the house, Jack. Right, so my bed was in the hospital in the morning. So I took her to the hospital. Just finished, looks great. Just getting her fucking back checked. Oh yeah.

Because you'd blown it out. Right. She just had a little check of appointments. You know, women love hospitals, don't they? Do you know what I mean? More than men. What? Women love a hospital, mate.

There's no Liverpool men's hospital. There's a women's one. Because they love it so much they just send them there. They're making the Royal too busy. But that is what it is. That is true, where's the fucking men's hospital? Women's International Men's Hospital! When's Fathers Day?

June 15th. But women love going to the hospital. And the doctors. Like, they do though, don't they? No. When was the last time you knew a man who was going to the hospital for a doctors, like they do though, don't they? No. When was the last time you knew a man who was going to the hospital for a checkup? You?

No, but I don't do, I go when I have a panic attack and I need to be calmed down, but I don't just like go. Men love panic attacks. But we have panic attacks because we refuse to get checked. They go, ooh, I've broken a nail, better go to the hospital, right? So anyway, she had to go to the hospital. And so we went there, that was early.

And then, get on this for a day. Took all me washing to the laundry fellow in Versace. Need to go to my one, better, closer. Maybe, but I've got me guy now, know what I mean? And he texts me when he's on the way. Yeah, once you fall in love with a laundry, it's forever. Also, it's an excuse to go and see me dad

when I go down that way. Oh yeah, makes sense. I went to see me dad, Oh my God. Give him 400 bifters. Yeah, meh. Pounds? Tiggies?

Oh. 400 bifters, bash. Where are they from? Shop. What? GZ Free. I got them. Where have we been recently? Oh, that was ages ago. I bought it. Italy. Yeah. Oh, I thought it was the time before. No, Italy. So I've got 400 Bifters. Yeah, I'm here. Bosh. Don't need to go to the

fucking shop for Bifters anytime soon. Bosh. 400 Bifters. Right. A little chat with him. Outside his house. He wouldn't let us go in because it's a bit of a tip apparently. So, but anyway, he said it'll be sorted next week. So he said we can go next week. I believe him as well. Well, I was with me missus and he gets like sort of house shame.

His house is fine, but like if it's not perfect, he's like, you can't be putting in your fucking bed in here. She'll think I'm a scruff. It'll be sorted next week. And that sentence has been on repeat for just over a decade now. She'll think I'm a scruff. Give me me 400 fags on the front lawn.

Ta-da. So, did that. Now, I haven't slept very well. Yeah. So this, it's now about 12 very well. Yeah. So this it's now about 1230. Yeah. Go home and just said to me, Mrs. I was like, Hey, let's just have a little nap. I had an hour's nap. Oh, in the sun as well. Can I ask you a question? Personal question. Jizz in a nap or? Listen, now is nap woke up at half one. Yeah. Was due to be going to the new house

for some stuff at two o'clock. Woke up at half one and she was like, hey, should we get up now and we'll walk around? And I went, I could really do with coming. And she went, okay, shut the blinds. No. What? Shut the blinds and what?

Wank? Then she fucked me. Oh, right, okay. Shut the blinds, the neighbors are watching. Well, yeah, we've got a communal car park, haven't we? Of course, yeah. Yeah, and people don't like it. Like a drive-in cinema when they're banging.

So, nap, jeez, it's not even two o'clock yet. Wow. It's such a day. Not even two o'clock. I've done the good boyfriend thing, I've gone in the hospital while me bed gets an air checked. I've took me washing. I've been in seeing me dad dropped on my phone.

And all those three things got you pretty hard. I had a nap. Don't come right. Went round to the new house, measured the stairs, took a fucking paint to decorate a brick layer fella. He was like, he had tape measure and everything. He was like, bash, bash. He placed all that up.

He sent me a quote today. Then because like I got the official email that everything is definitely going through and I definitely get me keys on the dates and it's all agreed and it's contracted. And you know, I get like 40% off or whatever if they fuck it now, like it's boxed. And then we left the house

and we were meant to be going shopping until I tidy the flat. My missus went, over a pint. Whoa. I went out to three pints. What time is this? Three. I have to three pints. Yeah. Wow. Bear garden. What? Bear garden on a well known lane. Heighten Lane. In the sun, bash. Beautiful. Then we were like, right,

let's go and sort some stuff out. Went back, did about an hour and a half more was like packing and sorting the hallway out because my sideboard's getting delivered, Friday, I need a bit of space for that. Yeah, of course. My teak sideboard. And yeah, then she was like,

should we go out for dinner? And I was like, let's go out for dinner. And then she was like, what are we gonna, and we couldn't decide what we were going out for. And then I went, should we go out for dinner? And I was like, let's go out for dinner. And then she was like, what are we gonna, and we couldn't decide what we were going out for. And then I went, should we just stay in? Whoa. And she went, I'll stay in if you get an Indian. Right, now I'm not a big Indian man, me.

You're not, you're a small English man. Right. A meal. But I went for it, got the Indian, it was delicious. It was really lovely. And then we were about to put a film on, but I said, fuck it, let's go to B&Q and get some paint samples. I went to B&Q yesterday.

No, that's never the alternative for that. She just went to film together. No, B&Q, paint samples. I love going to like shops like that, me. What? Class, I bought the little pots. Seeing the little ones. A little swatch.

That's going on the wall, day one, make sure it looks good in the light of the house. like that me? What class? I bought a little pots. Ah, seeing the little ones. I'm going to watch a little swatch. That's going on the wall day one, make sure it looks good in the light of the house. Right. So got some paint samples. And then where did we go? They can't go to many other places. Came back. And started looking online for some furniture. She got a bath. I got a shower. Then we were like, should we watch the telly? We were like, no, midnight trip to Tesco and Asda. Went on midnight trip to Tesco and Asda.

Then came back and then got some severe stomach ache because the Indian had fucked me a bit. Right. And it really bad. But then I was struggling to get to sleep. I had two codeine tablets, faster sleep and woke up two minutes before me alarm this morning. What a day. Wow. I love a late shop like a Tesco or Asda. Midnight for... Yeah 2am is even better. There's not many 24-hour Asdas

anymore though. No the Walton one is not. And they all shut the home section for some reason. I don't want to sell that right now! Why? They don't want you there. That's the only thing. Oh, they don't? You get no customer service. They're just like filling shelves. I don't want customer service.

Nothing fresh. I hate customer service, you know? I know, but... When you're going to a shop and they're like, can I help you? I know what I'm doing. It's a fucking shop. You have to move a massive crate of shit to get to the thing you want.

Nah, just move it. You have to place it yourself. Move it. Fucking lash it into the aisle. Not your problem. I repaired the Hoover yesterday. That felt good. By repair, how in? Well, there was a sock in the,

in like the bendy bit though. What would you do there? Buy a new Hoover. I know what you do. That's why I have to. Take it off and try and ram my big fingers in it. No, the Hoover thing is about that big it's halfway down a pole. No, it was jammed, man. Like it's jammed. Not on the push. And it was halfway so far. So what I did was went

to being cute. What's a big rod. Yeah. Just got a folks. You got a big, no, how big is your folks? It's got big folksks. Oh sorry, I've had one of your big forks. Bought a screw, taped it to the end and then screwed the screw into the sock, pulled it out. Bash. Screwed the screw into the sock? Yeah, because it goes in, grips. Why were you hoovering your socks in the first place? The cleaner did it. Why were you hoovering your socks in the first place? The cleaner, the... You don't have socks in the first place. Yeah, we all know why.

Yeah, we all know why. Then you put the hoover in the bin. I went to the dentist for the first time in six years. Jesus, what a Tuesday everyone's having. I went to Shrewsbury. No shit. That was not fun. Because I need to have three teeth removed. My wisdom teeth have grown at a right angle,

either side of my mouth, which is good. So it's a hospital removal, not a dentist removal. If only you're a woman. Did they? Yeah. I wanted to try that. A lot of people don't wake up though. One in a thousand.

Nothing to worry about them. Okay. Yeah. So that was good. Three teeth removed. What's the other one? The one next to the wisdom tooth because it's pushing it. It's damaged it by pushing it. Yeah. So you went in, is this NHS?

No, I've had to go private. Because they've, if you don't go, they're like, fuck you. There is no NHS dentistry, is there? It just doesn't really exist, does it? Yeah. It's just subsidized in it. Well, the hospital one I used to go to was NHS. Like my dentist would send me there because they didn't like, um, I was scared of dentists. So he put me a cap. Like it's not if you're working and everything, if you're, if you're working and you're earning a full thing, really, I said this before, John with the show from hell and it was like builders from hell. Remember dentists from hell. My dentist was on dentists from hell. He was in Robie. What did he do? It's a Halloween costume. He came in and I'm like, whoa, I'm an old

God. Um, he didn't put enough anesthetic in me, whatever. It's take a tooth out and do that when he put it to take it, do I grip it? Don't do with like a whatever. And then we essentially pull it, don't they? He gripped it and smashed a tooth in my mouth. So my mouth was bleeding, I could feel it. There was tooth in my mouth. I was awake and he put his leg on the thing, I was pulling like that.

And sit like for about... That's why you've had the phobia of dentists? Yes. Oh, it totally makes sense. Yeah, for like 20 years after, I was only like 10. By the way, when it comes to a painkiller in your face, go, always go the over. Yeah. And it's so what you can't feel your face for two days. I'll live with it. Oh, it was all I like that, you know, when you got the dentist and they give you the thing and afterwards you're like, I want to marry him. I kind of like it. I like doing sliced alone impressions. It's a little bit from your own voice, innit?

I feel like sliced alone. What? I feel like. Yeah. But it's like nice to know what you could sound like. If you get the wrong nerve, your whole face gets palsy, innit? And just drops.

Yeah. I got a mate who was a dentist. Minted. And he did that to a woman. And she was like, my face doesn't feel like it's sloping off your face. And then she, oh yeah. Yeah.

Didn't just bang her out. When she came back and he did it again and she was dead nice about it. But apparently that's I'm making. Move, move. He's both sides. I'm making them a night. Always go, like I just don't mind being completely numb for eight. Considering what you're getting done, I don't want to feel a fucking thing. Well imagine swallowing teeth and blood at the same time.

And then for 20 years after that, I was either an actual phobia of a dentist. Yeah, fair enough. So is this you, have you learned your lesson? Are you going to go back regularly or are you just going to keep it every six years? That's not my fault the wisdom teeth have grown like that. It's probably your fault that it's at this stage. But that's cause, I went when I was six years ago, 20.

So it was NHS at that point. And then they just didn't call me for a checkup. It was COVID. Yeah. But then I started having pain like last month. So I had to go. It's not fun. Such a child respond. They didn't call me. Also, I ignore calls. You do feel good after it though. Yeah. I met, it made up for it later on. I got approved for my cannabis prescription. So For your wizard wisdom prescription. So. For your wisdom teeth.

Yeah. Wait, by the way, I got a license to blaze now. What's the prescription for? What's, you know, because obviously this is a serious prescription. Yeah. What do you need it for? Real bad depression. Real bad depression.

Real bad depression. You need a real... 37 baby dealers. I'm sure we'll touch on this later with our wonderful guest, the executive orders thing. But this is just, I've had this in my head for a while. And you just sort of brought it up for me. Okay.

Because the appointment my miss has had yesterday at the hospital, she's been trying to get it for a while. You know what I mean? And she rang up last week and finally, after weeks of trying to get it for a while. You know what I mean? And she rang up last week and finally, after weeks of trying to get through to the right person, get through to the right person. And they're like, oh yeah, you've got an appointment on Tuesday at 10 o'clock.

And she was like, why has no one told me about it? And they went, oh, we sent you a letter, but they'd sent it to her address, but they'd accidentally posted it to the next door. So next door had got a letter, which I know is the postman's fault, right? But executive order, letters are no longer a verified method of communication. There's so much quicker, easier, better. Why are we printing stuff and putting it in a box and giving it to some cunt in a red van

to drive it to another city to then post it through a letter box and maybe get the wrong letter box? Email everyone. You've got everyone's email. You've got everyone's phone number. Call them, text them, or email them. Mail should just be done.

Can we have like a special inbox for like proper emails? Apple does that. Because I feel like I totally agree, except I get sent so much shit. Like every time you go to the shop now, they're like, oh, can we have your email address for the receipt? You're like, no, I just came in to buy a fucking t-shirt. I don't want you to have my email address,

because you're filling my box. And I know it's meant to like spam filter, but it doesn't. You have to have a fucking t-shirt. I don't want you to have my email address cause you're filling my, and I know it's mainly like spam filter, but it doesn't. You have a second Gmail. Have a spam email. Have a boss, have like a serious email. Yeah, I have two emails. Oh.

And one of them is just the other one with the number two at the end of it. Right. And it means nothing. It goes to nowhere. Yeah. If it's got the two in it, then it's just like, yeah, send me that. And I'll never see it. I think, cause like,

please tell us about your experience at DFS. Shut up. Like driving stuff. I've never felt anything like this here, very bad away, ever. Just send them the link to the Patreon. Booking.com do it, rate your stay. You're like, oh, sort your life out.

Like driving stuff, I was thinking, imagine if you get like a driving, like a speeding ticket, I think it's happened to you. And the letter just doesn't come to you at all. You're fucked, aren't you? Cause then they're like, oh, you didn't pay. Now it's seven million pounds. I mean, they usually do come to the house.

It's so easy, like Adam said, for that letter, that piece of paper. A bad neighbor, by the way, that didn't go, oh, I'm going to just post this round next door. Do you, what, have you got, do you still get letters from the previous owners? Yeah, occasionally. And he left the house in a state, so.

Do you open them? Oh no, I'd file them directly into the bin. All right. I open them before I put them in the bin. I know that you shouldn't let them legal in it, but it's interesting. So you don't do that to your car? No.

Wink for the audio listeners. I've got two before the previous one. Yeah, if it's a fish, like, buying the house, they're like, oh, you can send these ones back by email, but you need to send this one by post. Why? Wet signature. Why?

It's just a Lord in a. Cause it's more real. But it's not. It is. Why? How long do you reckon until it's gone? The post. Do you reckon 20 years?

No, because you've got is for things you buy. I mean, but that's already not Royal Mail's problem. Not like ordering, I'm not saying send me a chair digitally. Do you mean the Royal Mail? I don't need a pair of shoes through my email. You can't have long left the Royal Mail. 20 years should be the peak.

That should be the max. Cause between DHL and DHL? Yeah. And like UPS, Hemi's, Parcel Force. All my statements now are digital, so my bank statements, my energy bills, I've moved them all to... Paypal-less. Paypal-less because I'm like, well, I know, you can have a look on my phone. I don't need you to send me on paper. I think text is the best. That's, that's what I get what I need from it. I don't want you to speak to me on the phone. Text me, fine. I know not many people text me.

So that's why I know my stuff is. You're so right. Too many scams. That's become the official. Yeah. That's almost like, that's the things to do. Yeah. If I get a text, it's either my dad, a delivery or Carl.

And the only person who texts is you. Or I like that, and NHS text, I'll get one of them for like, whatever. Or just occasionally like a comic will go via text like Mick Ferry text me yesterday and I think he's I think he's gone I'll send a whatsapp but just to make it just to underline it I'll send a text but I that if I go through my inbox of text it's all just like delivery store for it WhatsApps chaos. Like true. Look this. I fixed my other day. State of this. This.

I'm on the unread. 289. Oh, I had over 100 of that and I fixed it. Oh, by the way, you see how much I scrolled there. We're still in May. Oh, turn your read receipts off. I have word management. Someone's been ignored from that. That's good. Oh yeah. Look. My God. Turn your read receipts off and open them all. I'm not bothered about people saying that I've read it. I just don't want to read it. No, there's not, does that cause any sort of like anxiety that you that probably I've buried it deep within. So I'm not feeling it. Oh, nothing unread on anything. Oh, no emails. Nothing. Who? Cause you're, you're one of two people. You're either someone with thousands

of emails or my emails, 23,120. That's I've got 57 and that's the email then. Erm... Yeah, but here's the thing. 57 would do my head in. Yeah, and I'm not clean at all. I've got two emails. No, but 57 is like attainable. Like I could get through that. I'm not.

That is gone. You just have to eventually just let it like... Satisfy a number this. 1,111 emails. How often do you check your junk? There's always something important. I've just seen your junk? There's always something in your junk. Junk's part of the rotation. It's part of the rotation.

Yeah. What? Oh, bollocks. Bollocks. That'd be a good little PSI advert there. How often do you check your junk? Not your email, you cock. Be great. Now we've done it. Tongue in cheek BBC advert.

Yeah. Check your junk. BBC. BBC is the place for that. The place for that advert. Yeah. PSA. PSA isn't it? What do they? Yeah, like the hedgehog one. Was that BBC? Hedgehog one? Yeah. We don't get run over. By a hedgehog? No.

It was the old advert. Don't get run over. By a hedgehog? No. It was the old Avid, don't get run over, but it was a hedgehog. You know that. No, I remember that if you hit me at 40, I'm gonna die. No, we spoke about that one recently. Yeah, but it doesn't matter. It's still my daughter. Cause I'm a hedgehog and I'm smaller than a car.

You know the hedgehog one. What? The hedgehog Avid. Do do do do do. I'm a hedgehog and I'm crossing the road with my family. Hedgehog road traffic. Come on. I know what you mean. You do know it. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think it was the BBC though. King of the road. King of the road. That was the song over there. Yeah. It was great. Okay. I do remember that. That has unlocked a memory though. Yeah. Yeah.

There you go. I'll do one of them. We'll check it. How have you like not, how have you repressed that? I got abused by a hedgehog. I was like, he's getting run over. I did. You can't get abused by a hedgehog. No, I did see a rough hedgehog thing when I was younger though. My nan used to love saving animals and I had just gone to hers to just help out with the garden. And we saw that a hedgehog had essentially had a strimmer through its stomach. And then it'd been infected by maggots. And my nan took that to the vets and went, is there anything you can do in the vet?

I was like, no, cause it's got maggots coming out of its stomach. I saw all of that. Had to pick the hedgehog up. I burst that hedgehog once, coming home from Hickory's. Even though you'd seen the adverts, Christ. Maybe I haven't seen the adverts. Driving home from Hickory's with Sereka, John liked the country roads,

coming back from the West Kirby one. And I ate it and it burst. And I was gutted. And Sereka went, you've just eaten several plates of meat. You're not allowed to be sad. I was like, well, I think both. I think both can be possible. Yeah.

You can separate them too, definitely. Cause I ate it and it popped. I always feel bad about seeing a badger. What dad? Yeah. You know what I mean? I think Wind and the Wellos has placed the greater importance on badges. The bigger the animal the sadder it is.

I was with you when you murked a squirrel. That's not true. If you shot a dead horse on the street you'd be equally sad as a mouse. I'd love to see the car that hit it. No, but if I'd seen a dead dog I'd be sadder about that than if I'd seen a dead elephant. On the street? You'd have more questions about the elephant, wouldn't you? I'd have more questions,. And if I seen a dead elephant on this, you'd have more questions about the elephant. Wouldn't you have more questions? That's not what he says. I think

dog is the outlier because it's a pet. I think take pets out of it. The bigger the pet rabbit. If I seen a pet rabbit, if I seen a dead rabbit, that wouldn't make me as sad as a dead elephant. So it's not to do with size. Let's do. Let's do top five animals you'd be upset to see in West Derby Village if they were roadkill. And the fucking zoo's got some questions to answer. Right, well that was a mental little end to that section. I blame the caffeine. See you shortly. I've ordered a food allergy test okay see what's making me bum bum go bang bang doesn't seem like allergies though does it because you don't you've not got any of the symptoms you don't have like like hives on your skin or you always

look healthy that last sentence is entirely true, but you can have intolerances to stuff and it just makes you shit like a fucking bomb, mate. Shit like a fucking bomb. Like I've got one to jalapeños. If I have a jalapeño I only do bad poo and I don't have anything else. Oh, okay, cool. Well, good luck with that. You've got an excitable bot bot and you need help.

I just want to know. I'm not going to do anything about it. Right. Well, I will. It depends on what it is, But if they come back and be like, you're not having bread. I'm like, you can fucking shove your test up your ass. A lot of them say that. Yeah. So that's celiac gluten and stuff. Gluten intolerance. That's the kind of cakes and nothing. Pizza. Fuck the ass. I drive all this stuff now. Can't you? The thing is, you know, the, if I haven't seen such riches, I could live with being poor.

Like I'm poor, aren't I? I haven't seen what it's like to not eat bread. So I'm not like, yeah, but you've had the riches of eating bread. So no, I think I see it the other way around. Like, because the riches is having good bowel movements and feeling good, but I don't know what that's like. I don't know what it's like to feel like shit and I'm already used to it. So I'll just stay poor. I think eating bread might trump all of that. That's what I'm saying. I'd rather eat bread.

Yeah. That's what I mean. What if it was like, ale. What if it was like, yeah, you know, you're really wearing your body down and the more you drink, you know, you might only have 20 years. I already know all of that. 20 years. No 20 years from now. They're like, yeah, you know, you're, it's a reaction to you're allergic to alcohol. Cause I know people lose.

If I'm allergic to alcohol, then I'll stop drinking alcohol. He's really not showing the symptoms though. Is he? No, he does have the 20. Bread and ale. That's like a class day though. You're allergic to a lot, aren't you? Shut up.

Like, totally. No, you are, aren't you? What is it? Racism. Like citrus. Racism, intolerance. Oh. They don't have.

I can't stand it. Yeah, I've got a few. I've got a few intolerances, not allergies. Right, oh, I thought they were allergies. Allergies you fucking know about. Intolerances like, meh, my tum-tum feels bad. So that test is for intolerant and allergies. They just call it an allergy test. So yours is what? Milk? Uh, cum.

You're late. I just can't drink it. Even woman cum? I had to, what? Even woman cum. I'd love to see some. Wednesday, you get the early release of the video of the public episode and then all of the specials, a backlog of nearly 4,000 specials. That's what it feels like to film. And we've done all sorts. We've done everything.

Have you watched Top Gear? We've done a version of most of what they've done and that's good, isn't it? Got some good ones coming up though baby. Oh, got some great ones coming up. 24 mate. 24, Fin Day is coming out. We've got, I mean, we've announced the big one next year. We've got some away days this year. We've got some survival special. It's free quid, free pounds. Make sure you go to the website. Don't go to Apple's evil app store. You'll pay more.

We've got some. I'm allergic to a woman coming up. You missed it. Oh shit. He was talking. That's why he's got one coming in his mind. Imagine not being able to like come into contact with Pussy Juice. Oh is that? Makes his belly bad. Honestly. Love a bit of Pussy Juice but fucking hell the next thing I'm just on the toilet.

Japanese flag, press it again. That's like a Japanese flag. I must have an ass like a Japanese flag. I'd love to see my asshole. Where is it? That was weird. Listen, my OCD will not let that stand. Just take this mic off.

Scott says, what's happening lids? Me and a group of mates have a yearly thing where we spin the wheel of doom. On said wheel is multiple UK seaside locations. And as it happens, we have just landed on Rhyll. Or as a big listener of the pod, my immediate reaction is to ask Finlay, what are the top things to do in Rhyll? Drive to Lefebvre. Also, do you have any suggestions of weird UK seaside destinations for the wheel? Let us know. So I sort of listen, I know this is a bit contrived lad fun, but I don't mind it. It's one of those things that if everyone commits to it, it's going to be good. So they, if you're true to the wheel and you go anywhere, like what have you got? Scarborough, Whitby, Whitley Bayley Bay Great Yarmouth I'm thinking Blackpool Blackpool Blackpools yeah you're gonna if you're gonna do this you're gonna end up in

Blackpool at some point. I've been to many cities I've been to where's the one really on the East Scarborough no near there's a nice have been with East Anglia Whitley Whitley. Whitley Bay. Whitley Bay. Yeah. In New Asl. Do you mean Whitby? Basically, so have you had to think, we can walk east, west to east. It's like a thing, you know, we pick the people up who've gone and it was there.

I think it was one of them. That was cool. Yeah. I don't mind the beach, but seaside towns just make me sad. Yeah, weird and creepy. Yeah, because they're dying, aren't they? It's the old, like 80, 90 years ago, they were where people went on holiday and it was important.

Like towns had holiday week where they shut the town down and everyone went on, like Preston had holiday week and all the shops were closed and everyone went on holiday. All the, all the factories and everyone went on holiday. All the factories and everyone went on holiday to Blackpool for the same week. Must've been fucking class. But that was, that- Is that real? Yeah.

I've never heard of that. Holiday week. Yeah. Preston just shot. This is what my granddad told me. There was a week in July. Oh, this wasn't in your lifetime. No, this wasn't in 1997.

Oh, shut the asda. lifetime? No, this wasn't in 1997. Oh, Diana's dead. Shut Preston. We're going black pill. When did package holidays? 80s, wasn't it? No, no. 60s, 70s, people started going abroad more regularly. By the 80s, it was a massive thing.

Before then, 50s. I've seen footage of real in the 70s, it looked like it was banging. Summer of love, everyone was banging. Summer of love in the 70s. We're going to Carlisle, is Carlisle coastal? No. You're going for a seaside holiday? Couldn't be less coastal.

It's next to the... but it's not a seaside town. Carlisle? It's in the middle of but it's not a seaside town. Carlisle? What? In the middle of the country, innit? Where the fuck is Carlisle in your head? Open to the right. It's not open to the right. It's open to the left. Have a look at Carlisle, kid.

What's west of Carlisle? The sea. For the audio listeners, Adam is checking the maps. And it's open to the sea. The audio listeners checking the maps and it's open to the right. Oh, that's life's changed. That on the left side of the country is not open to the right. It's open to the right of where we are right now in it. So, oh, sorry. you go, as the crow flies, over Blackpool and then over the water, yeah, but no one in the history of the world, you go up the M6 and it's off to the left. It's on the left side of the country. It doesn't matter, sir.

It's to the right of Liverpool. I said it's open to the right. Whoever thinks like that. Me? No, you go on the- I'm picturing the map. Open to the fucking right. Oh, Newcastle's open to the left because you take the exit off the left.

I don't know, this is shite. Mate, I can't believe you can't see that that's wrong. That is so insane. Oh yeah, it's open to the right. It is open to the right. It's to the left. Oh my god. It's to the left of the motorway, yeah. It's open to the right from here, innit? It's on the left of the motorway, yeah?

It's open to the right from here. It's on the west side. It is on the west side, where for the west? What a retarded way of looking at it. It's up and it's more Eastern lead than Liverpool is. Yeah, I'll give you that. So it's open to the right, isn't it? In what sense?

In what sense? If you were a crow and you went up and right from here, you'd end up in Carlisle! You're not a crow! You're on the fucking road! You are not a crow! And it's on the left side of the country! Enjoy life on the East Coast, Carla. You've just been moved. East Coast.

Oh yeah, Newcastle's to the left of the M1. There you go. Newcastle's in the north west now. Fucking divvy. How does your brain work? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Oh yeah, Newcastle's to the left of the M1. There you go. Newcastle's in the northwest now. Fucking Divvy. How does your brain work? Where we going? Where we going? Moorcombe. Cool. I'll get my swimmers on. Devon's cool.

I'm too annoyed with him and he's too annoyed with me. We're just going to have to have a little nap. Doesn't think so in real. I love you in real. I'm not annoyed but yeah. You are fucking stupid. What the fuck are you talking about? It's open to the right, isn't it? Open to the right.

Coldwell. Explain how your brain works because it's to the left of the motorway. Just because you look at the country and there's some stuff on the left hand side, there's some stuff on the right. And I know usually if you say West and East. So is Manchester to the left of Liverpool?

No. But it's on the left hand side of the country, isn't it? What do you mean left of Liverpool? Swansea? I think that's to the left. But that's down into the right. So Manchester's what? But look, what if I do this? There you go. Yeah, if you take the map upside down and change everything. Yeah, you're pointing in the wrong direction. Torquay.

The thing is, the thing is with the Southwest, like proper Southwest, it's seven hours away. I can't be asked. Whenever I was like on Newquays, loads of fun. Right, cool. I don't surf and I don't like driving for six and a half hours. You should go to Freshfields beach, see the squirrels and have a fucking bevy.

Do you want some stuff to do in real? Yes, sorry. Let's not. I'm looking at all these coastal gaffes and they all look like shittles. So a year ago, I reckon I'd have recommended the cinema and the Sea Life Center. They've all closed down, haven't they? They're both shut.

Oh, cool. So we've got the beach. On a sunny day, it's quite nice. It's not, the thing is, on a sunny day, most beaches are nice, but also, within a 25 minute drive, there's much nicer beaches. Beaches? Wait, is it a sandy beach?

I think that day you came, you went to the wrong bit. There is a bad bit of the beach. Oh yeah, yeah. I went to a car park for Aldi. That's the wrong bit. Is this the beach? I think it's the wrong bit of the beach. I mean, if you park at Aldi, you can walk to the beach.

Two minutes away. Smart. Les Harker's Bingo. That's good. Les Harker. Is he a big name? He's a big name in real. Big name in bingo. Yeah. The biggest. Um, what else is there to do? You could go to Macky's. McDonald's Les Harkers bingo and an arguably shite beach. Oh, I'm fun boys. Genuinely go go to Kebab King.

Best kebab gaff in the country. No, it isn't. I say that with authority. When you say the country, do you mean Wales? The country is real. It's better than any I've had in England either. And that was when I was a meat eater. Okay, I've seen the Sky Sport.

So there you go. Goes to a vegetarian's favourite kebab house, a shite beach and Les Hargis Bingo. What more could you want, Scott? I, spin the wheel again, my friend. Did you see recently, Joe, the game you play with Sky Sports News, it's the first team to score. You've seen that? Yeah. The first team to score. And then you all have to go and have a night out. I think Bramford scored after like 25 seconds. Everyone was like, yeah, we're waiting for the

next goal. No, that's not how the game works. Absolutely. No, that like 25 seconds. Everyone was like, yeah, we're waiting for the next goal. No, that's not how the game works. Absolutely, cannot do that. Everyone was gutted, everyone was like, ah. We could do that. You could have a great night out in Bradford, potentially okay night in Bradford. Be sound.

You can't all sit at the pub and go, we're gonna do the game. My image of Bradford is genuinely so racist. I just think it's all alcohol-free shisha gaffs. No, to me, they've all got like fucking courses as well. Yeah. Just courses with- It's just car meetups, that's what we have for this. It's car meetups, shisha gaffs,

and fucking coffee shops, mate. It's like a decent sized city centre. Yeah. Like, you'd have a night out, and then probably get a pretty good pudding at the end of it. You know? Fuck hell. No, I mean a pretty good pudding at the end of it. You know? Fuck hell.

No, I mean no. One of the pudding gaffes. Asians love puddings. Asians, Muslims love cheesecake. Yeah, because if you can't get on the lash, who doesn't want a tiramisu? Oh, that's a... I suppose. Muslims love cheesecakes. They must all... You know like how we're all a little bit racist and we don't really know the difference between a Hindu and a Muslim?

More ignorance than racism. Yeah, totally. Everyone in those fucking gaffes is Muslim, aren't they? Because Hindus don't have milk. I'd say that is ignorance. Don't Hindus have milk because they love cows? No, they don't have anything to do with cows do they? Because they think they're fucking, they're like I can't drink cow juice me I'm not good enough. Yeah they can have vegan cheesecake.

I didn't know that they didn't drink milk either, it makes sense. I don't think Adam knows. No he's right, Google says. No he's not right. I'm not right. Many Hindus consume milk and dairy products. Not the real one, not good ones. Yeah, in the same way many Muslims eat bacon. It's the ones who aren't committed. Yeah, he only hangs out with committed Hindus. All of his Hindu mates are like hardline Hindunistas. Want a milkshake? If you are going to play the We Sit Down, Soccer Saturday, first goal, we go, you have to live and die by that.

I don't give a fuck. If it's Plymouth that scores, get ready, first goal, we go. You have to live and die by that. I don't give a fuck. If it's Plymouth that scores, get ready, we're doing a trick. You can't be like, Bradford doesn't seem very good. Fuck off, that's not the game. Should we play it? Yeah.

Yeah. I've always, as I've said before, those Saturdays are just so empty. I just thought- It was like Salford. So it's a good night out. I've done Salford. I accidentally walked all the way to Liverpool.

Way Salford Keys. Yeah, go media. Which Salford? Because there's like precinct Salford. Oh, no, not not shopping city. I'm talking Media City. Right. OK. Shopping City.

Not no Media City. Not what a crazy lping City, no, Media City, not Shopping City. What a crazy lad's night. Let's get tickets to the Lowry. I'd do it. If we had a free Saturday, but I wouldn't want any like, I don't like the sound of that. We'd have to, you'd have to go for it.

Okay, well. And then you hope you get like. When are you free? Man City. Wow. When are you free on a Saturday though? Soon. You'll play it then? I'll get drunk then. You've taken most of my Saturdays recently so. I'll look at my Saturdays, tell you when I can do it. The football season is over though. After August the, what is it, ninth? Around like the second weekend of August. Oh. What if it was like Kilmarnock?

Well, luckily. Oh, no. Oh, can I? Does the Scotland count? I thought it was just the national, like national league. Order. If Inverness Cali Thistle score with fourth. 23rd of August is my next Saturday free.

First weekend. I think that might be the first weekend of the season. First weekend. Or second. Yeah. Oh, I'm in Japan. Just fuck that off. Oh, I'll just fuck that off. Yeah. Sorry. We won't be able to kill my baby. Oh, the karaoke that's not a karaoke anymore. I'm free now. We'll do it the first week of September. Oh yeah. It's not probably in Turkey. Um, what? I don't know what to do. God, I'm still flying from that fucking that caffeine. Take me out. I feel good though. I don't get it. I don't feel bad. Next is

on the shite. It's delicious. It isn't delicious. It is delicious. That wasn't delicious. Wasn't delicious. Like a strawberry milkshake is delicious. Tasted like a lady one. Tastes like mud. Like a pomegranate latte or something. No I don't like that. I like a vanilla latte. Iced. Loads of sugar. Can't really taste the coffee. I like that one. No coffee in it. Take that out. I like milk. The caramel coffee frappuccino from Starbucks. You might like that. Okay. I give it a go. I'll get one of them in the break.

You can come and sit on the bar with me for the next 10 hours then. If you want to send in a have a word, please send in a have a word. Make them up. Have a word pod Make them up. Have a word pod.com. If you go, this would be mad. I'd like them to talk about, just put it as advice, a question or have a word.

Have a word pod at gmail.com. Cause I want you to just listen to my tone, please. Please do that. People have been writing in some shite ones. Yeah. So there you go. If you're listening thinking, why hasn't my stuff been read out?

I'm shite. And you can see how desperate that is for new questions. That means he aced your question. But these are all great. Yeah. I just want to make that point. Phil says, dear have a word court of justice. Well, someone's making up a new feature.

Please have a word with either me or my partner. When I'm doing a big shop, I always bring my own bags cause I'm a sexy motherfucker, like a responsible adult. But on those quick impromptu stops, love a good use of impromptu. Oh, nice. Touche, Phil.

I'll grab one of the plastic bag by the tills and when the self checkout asks how many I've used, I confidently press zero and move on with my day. My partner, however, pays for every single bag like he's making an offering to the mighty gods of Tesco and they will smite him down if he dares to skip the tithe. I already like Phil. He says, I'm a thief

and we've agreed to seek an expert ruling. Oh, he's gay? He's gay, yeah. Phil and man. Why did that take three lines to go, hang on, partner? Business? Whoa! So what's your verdict?

Am I a bag bandit? That's not a euphemism. He's a certain bandit. Am I a bag bandit, criminal, dismantling society, one 10p bag at a time, or a savvy shopper? Not 10p anymore. When did he write this in? Robin Hood, sticking to, I can't read.

It's too hard. I'm getting head off. We get the thing. And that's from Phil from 2009. Here's the thing, right? I related it so much because my missus is probably still- Is it gay man? No.

Oh, sorry. She's a fucking little busy worshiping grass. How does that relate? Alex, you still here? If you're paying for these you're a fucking rat. She won grass of the year at her company awards, genuinely. And she's always dreamed of being a police officer. Grass of the year?

Whoa. Like they have the end of year awards for that. Are you rehashing, like she won employee of the year. No she won grass of the year. No, she won gas of the year. Was it like a banshee award? Yeah. Cause she's a big fucking snitch mate. And when you get it, does everyone boo?

She's the manager who she can ask it on. But like she was below, when she got that, she was like one level down. Now she's the manager cause she's a snitch. Yeah. Snitch as in- I love robbing stuff from like big corporate conglomerates you know what I mean? I'm not robbing a little mam and pap like family run store

you go for 4500 what's it called what you call it? what you call it? Ennion on the Dow Jones mate I'm taking the Dow what is it what you say what you're saying? not the 4500 what is it? no you say? What you're saying? Not the 4500. What is it? Is it? No, you say like the American one. You'd love to own a company though. I can't remember.

Fortune 500. Like B&Q. Anything on the Fortune 500, I'll rob. A few weeks ago, when in John Lewis, fucking... John Lewis is a billionaire, isn't he? Whoever he is. I mean, he's probably dead, isn't he? Whoever he is. I mean, he's probably dead.

Sure. Well, whoever his family are. So it's a Nepo baby billionaire. I'm taking his down mate. We're in John Lewis, we had a load of stuff. They had, you know, like proper tote bags near the till. Oh, dangerous steal. Three, four quid, easy.

Fiver. Wow. Right? A Lulu Guinness, it was like some designer bitch, right? Cheap, like airbags. Unnecessary bitch, wasn't it was like some designer bitch, right? She, like airbags. Just a necessary bitch, wasn't it? Just a necessary bitch. Was at the fucking till. So I was like, right, we need a bag. And I went, I'll get one of them. So gave the woman on the till all the stuff. And then I was like, I just opened the bag and

started putting the stuff in and the woman didn't scan it. And I was like, fucking three, five pound bag here. This is a little different. Me missus went, you haven't scanned the bag love? Out loud. No, my God. She went, you haven't scanned the bag? No, I think she's right, cause you can't get like a Dior bag either

and start feeling that. No, she's not right. No, that's not the same thing. She's a grass. No, she's grass for saying out loud. Cor, that's not the same thing. A bag that is meant to put your shopping in, if you steal it, if they're not on it, go fuck themselves.

I don't know what's my bad. What point is it, like that's a five pound bag. No, even the Dior bag, if I put that on, I've put it on the thing. I haven't like gone, and this is mine I've brought from home. I put it on the thing. It's on the stupid old fucking squat on the tilt. As if you'd be like, hey, there's a bag in the store.

I'm using it for shopping. Yeah, because the woman's probably gone. Yeah, I'm not asked. She's gone. Yeah, he's got a bag. Do you understand? There's no bagging, there's people watching me and they're like, I couldn't give a fuck.

Yeah. It's when you see, I love videos like from America where a Walmart employee rugby tackles someone trying to shoplift. You're like, why do you give a fuck? Why are you dislocating your shoulder to tackle a smackhead? If people are shoplifting they need it, so let them have it. Well, no, but I don't want it to be absolute chaos and everyone's like, security guard school. If people are shoplifting, they probably need it.

No, if someone shoplifting... I don't need it. It's the love of the game. No, and yeah, they should maybe say, but if you see someone shoplifting, cause you feel like, you know, they may be short on money. No, you didn't. You can't get done for shoplifting if you give to me. If you put it on the thing, if you show them it,

and they don't scan it, that's them. So what did you say when she grassed? That is bad by the way, I agree with that. I was just like, oh yeah. And then when we left, I was like, are you a fucking asshole? And she was like, what do you mean? She went, yeah, grass of the year means something. I was like, we're gonna get that bag for free.

She was like, I can't do that. No, she didn't have to do a fucking thing. She wasn't doing it, you were doing it. I wasn't doing anything, the stupid thing on the till was doing it. What was that? Is your reasoning that the stupid till, because you didn't scan it, it's the till was doing it. What was that? Is your reasoning that the stupid till on the thing, because you didn't scan it, it's the till's fault? It wasn't self-service. What?

It wasn't self-service. There's a woman done it? Yeah. And she told the woman, hey love, you haven't scanned that. That stinks of poo. There's no self-service at John Lewis, mate. The queue's been on the block. Happy having tellies by the way, if there was. This telly is a sausage. They sell them. Yeah, listen, you fellas are ming. That is stinky. But congratulations on your relationship.

Kieran Feeling says, lads have a word, me and my wife and four year old went to the cinema. The cinema was completely empty. So we just sat in the most convenient seats for us. Turns out a couple who was also watching the children's film was actually allocated the seats we were sat in and asked us to move.

I know full well I was in the wrong seat, but still they're being bad gimp. Am I in the wrong for still sitting there and having them find other seats? No. So Kieran stood his ground. Do what you want in that situation. If there's two other people in the fucking cinema,

go and find a different seat. Yeah. Yeah, I do agree with you. Four. Right. Let me paint you a little picture here. You walk in the cinema with your missus or your fella and your two kids, right? And there's people sat in the four seats you've booked and it's like half an hour till the film's starting, 20 minutes, whatever. This is a good point. Right? So more people might still be to come.

Oh yeah. So you go over and go, oh, there are seats. And the thought is like, no, just go and fucking sit wherever you want. You go and sit somewhere else with your kids. And then someone else comes in and goes, oh, you're sat in our seats. See what's happened there is I turn up a minute

before the film starts. So I've, I can't relate. Psychopath behavior. I turn up 15 minutes after they've stated that the film starts. I couldn't do that. That's scary. Because that's when they did it. Me and Harry went to watch Sinners the other day. You'll still catch some of the adverts. We went to watch Sinners. We got there 20 minutes after the stated time, got to our seats, sat down, titles come up. Unbelievable. Is Sinners good? Because Mark Nelson posted that it's brilliant.

Right, I'm really into it. Really recommend it. Michael B. Jordan, who I'd gay for. I'd go shopping with him. Really good film, go in blind if you can. Not like literally, I mean. Fall over. I've got my favorite seat in the cinema though.

I like to be on the back row. I know it right in the middle, it's a wild one. I don't like people behind me. Anyone you can get sucked off in. I don't like anyone behind me. It's cause of your ninja training, isn't it? You just, you just, whoa. middle of it's a wild one. I don't like people behind me. I don't like anyone behind me. It's cause it's cause of your ninja training in it. You just, you just, whoa. No, I don't like anyone behind me. I don't know what it is. I like to be at the back of everything.

Right. So I was a golden control thing. Yeah. Well, I need to be able to see like everything that's going on. Yeah. I used to go to the gym with someone who is a prison guard. He's our mate and he literally, you know, they're trained to make sure you know what's behind you. Yeah. So if he'd sit in a jacuzzi and he wouldn't be able to, you'd have to sit facing... I'd never like someone sitting behind me in a jacuzzi. And that's just a personal rule and I've never been a prison guard or a ninja, but as soon as you're just between the legs of another man in a jacuzzi I feel like I don't think he should have sat there. When someone just comes in and goes, excuse me, mate,

and just cruises behind you. Nah, I think, nah, I don't like that. And you're right to think that. Is that all right? I mean, that's just because of my training, isn't it? It's in control. No, I like to be at the back. I like to survey.

Adam's spot on, especially when I'm, if you've got the kids, if I've booked the right seats, you can fuck off. What about a train though? Because it's so stressful. Laura's like, hey, mate you've got the kids, if I've booked the right seats, you can fuck off. What about a train though? Because it's so stressful. Laura's like, it's also not just you, is it? You're not just making the choice. Laura will go, no, we need to sit there. Like it's a fucking argument. Just if someone comes and they've got the ticket, just move, just move. What about the train? The train, just fuck off out of the seat. If someone gives a fuck.

If someone sat in my reserved seat on a train, I will throw, I'll pick them up, throw them into the aisle of the train. I was thinking that, so I got the train to Newcastle for the tour show the other day and I was sat in, it said reserved from Leeds, Newcastle. I was like, I'm just going to say to you to Leeds. Yeah. And then when they move me, you know, fair enough, maybe they don't, they'll move me, yeah. But I was thinking like, what if, who would I have to be for them to not move me? You know, cause I'm a young, agile man. So they're like, he can move.

Is there anybody you wouldn't move? What do you mean? Like you've got an old woman. Yeah. Would you move an old woman? Yeah, easier. They're light. They can't fight. I'm saying if you got there,

no matter who sat there, you'd be like fucking move you. So I was thinking. Hang on, is there other seats? Like with available, they're all booked. The busy train. She can go and get the next train. Get off the train. Well, that's up to her.

What about if it's a family of four? One time in my life, I've been on top of the admin and booked seats on a busy train. You think I'm standing next to some old bint who didn't do anything? No, brother. What about if it's a family of four Hindus all having like, you know, zoos?

I'd be like, you're not even committed to this shit. Take that headdress off and get off with your milkshake. Get the next train. Part-time squad. I was thinking, I'm primed to be moved here. Yeah. And I didn't get moved. So what's your thoughts on,

if there's reserved, you've reserved a seat, but there's other free seats. Are you gonna move someone else? Does it say available? Yes. I'll just set me available. But I also, when someone gets on and gives a shit. I don't like confrontation.

Yeah, me too. What? I was just on autopilot, I was like yeah me too. When someone gives a shit, like if someone goes on and goes that's my... and there's just... they're right. You hate them don't you? Oh sorry I'm also frail and old, well then you should be on a fucking taxi then shouldn't you? Get off the train. Get on a taxi. know, that's where frail and old people should be on the roof of a taxi. When you sat in someone's seat and then they walk up and they go, Oh yeah, we both know it's yours, don't we? What about, what about when they do that and they go, actually you sat in my seat and you look and they're in the wrong carriage.

That, that genuinely is the best life ever gets, you know. Simple, I'd swap, I'd swap Liverpool's league title for five of them in the next year. You sat in my seat, I'm not mate. No, oh, that's actually for tomorrow. You big stupid old fat swat. Get off the train. Off you fuck. And you Hindu kids, go on.

Excuse me instructor man, his ticket's not valid and he's trying to steal people's seats, go on. You and your fucking Yazoo drinking Hindu children on that platform. Phew. Off you go. Oh, won't it be you mate?

Big shout out. Oh, I'm gonna lose your seat, sorry. The Hindu community. Hindu! Hindu and all that and then you're wrong. Is that better than the previous one? You go and that's my seat, them go and it's not and you go and it is and it is.

Is that better than it's not being? No, that's good. That's good cause you're like, ah, but the other ones better. When they were trying. That's good because you're like, ah, but the other ones are better. When they were trying to move you. Off you go, me. To your Hindu kids.

Go on, piss off. This isn't even a train. You're on a hovercraft. This is a taxi. Go on, fuck off. Intervali. Time to talk about Huel, everyone. They're sponsoring today's episode. I'm always trying to eat healthier.

I eat a lot of bread and cheese and chips. That's not healthy. I know it's good though, isn't it? But it's not good for me. Not as good as Huel. Yeah, it's a drinkable meal, loads of protein in it, 35 grams. Of protein. How many vitamins and minerals?

26. The black additions, loads of good flavours, strawberry, banana, chocolate, you can drink it on the go. It's very affordable. And you can get an offer with Have A Word, can't you? Can you? Yeah. What you get?

I think it's £10 off. And a free gift. And once you go Black, you never go back. There you go. Huell.com slash Have A Word pod. Huell. Everyone loves it, including Adam. Hey, oh, oh.

Yeah. We'd start a lot of the sections like that now, don't we? What do you mean? Oh. It's not a natural thing to just start talking again, you know, because we've all been sat around talking. Especially cause Michelle, Sean, Cece. Hey.

Thank you for making the Janie. Thank you for having me. It's an absolute pleasure. Oh, that's so nice to hear. Yeah. I've been watching you at your clips from predominantly top secret, a lot of your clips. Most of them, yeah.

Yeah, like crowd work and bits of stand up and stuff. And then you messaged me and was like, I'd love to come to the pod. And I was like, yep, let's go. Perfect. Yeah. I have a hard time asking people for things like that. So I appreciate you being so cool about it. I can't relate to that. Also, I, I liked it when you told Eshaan on your podcast to not say when he said, I get pussy and you went, don't say that. Yeah. You don't see it. We say that you guys can say it. You guys can pull it off. There's something when Eshaan says, yeah, I get pussy. Like you went, don't say that. Yeah. You don't say that. You guys can say it. You guys can pull it off. There's something when Eshaan says, yeah, I get pussy. Like it's just, I a hundred percent appropriate, but he does. I'm sure. I know he does. I know

he does, but it feels inappropriate hearing him say that word. It also get more if he didn't say that because it looks like you could say, Oh, I get the touch of a woman regularly and I'd be like, yes you do. But I get put, I'd like, stop Michelle. I think that's worse. I get the touch of a woman. It would be worse coming from most men, but for some reason with Esha, I feel like that's how he looks. He should speak. Yeah. He's a classy guy. Yeah. He is a classy guy. Oh, so you think we're scum? No, not at all. Not at all. I just think certain men can pull that off. But when each one pulls it off, it sounds like a kid saying a word he's not supposed to.

Do you know what I mean? It's almost like, how do you know what pussy is young man? Like it just sounds awkward. I love how immediately she shot down that scum thing then because we were talking the day before Michelle was coming on and Michelle told me the first gig she ever did in the UK was in Liverpool and she didn't realize there was like a pride to being poor.

Okay. I'll tell you about it. So I Okay. Where it's by the way. I'll tell you about that. So I did my very first gig in the UK. Uh, I come, I got booked at hot water. Okay. Two shows, first show fucking great. There was an agent there and he was like, I know you're going to be famous in this country.

One of the comics girlfriends was there and she's like, you're going to be huge. This is exactly like, great. Go up for the next show. I'm like, I'm going to do a little different show. They might have more material. Everything's going great. And then I said a joke about a surgery I had had and I said, Oh, has anyone for the next show. I'm like, I'm going to do a little different show. They might have more material. Everything's going great. And then I said a joke about a surgery I had had. And I said, oh, has anyone had the type of surgery?

Nobody said anything. And I said, okay, I guess I'm the only one here with money. The crowd, okay, I didn't know. I didn't know. The crowd turned on me. Like I couldn't get in the back and I had no idea what happened. I go to the green room, everybody's fucking dying, laughing.

They were like, do you know what you just did? I was like, no. They're like, you pop shame Liverpool. Like, I was like, what? Like you understand in North America, it's all about keeping up appearances. Even when you don't have money, you act like you're rich. And then I moved here and I'm supposed to be proud to be poor.

Like it was very confusing. I had a hard time adjusting. Listen, I'm not a scouser. And I think a lot of Scouts culture is show you've got money. I think it's a bit of both. But it's, you're not allowed to go. No, I've got money. No, I'm looking at of both. But you're not allowed to go, no, I've got money. But that's the thing, I'm looking out at the audience. I'm looking out at the audience.

I see lip fillers, nose jobs. I'm like, you guys have had stuff done. Like what? It's not with Rolexes who I've got, like, you know, not the house to match kind of thing. So it's like, yeah, I'm proud to be where I'm from, but also want to look good. It's a bit of both.

I think it depends how you say that and like what move the crowd. Oh, I definitely said it like, Oh, I have money. Like I definitely, Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. And I did then, but I don't anymore.

And so now I'm poor. And now I'm back in Liverpool. I find how that works. I think the Scouse attitude towards money and having stuff is you've got to earn. Yes. That's the attitude. Yes.

Whereas I think maybe Michelle like has come across as like I was born into all this money. See, I, cause I had money through marriage. So I talked about that a lot, but I never talked about my background, which was very working class, always poor. We never had stuff. So now that I talk about that more on stage, people are allowing me to talk about the times when I did have money.

So I've had to learn that you also that past tense will give you a lot of like credit. People love it. And people know you did have money. And now you love how far I fall in. Yeah. I would love to marry for money. How good would that be? Oh, that's the plan. Like I will never, I'm not going to marry somebody. No, I actually left him. Um, I did. I did love him. We're still friends. We're working out as complicated. We're in that phase where we think we're going to be best friends. But the second we go through

the logistics of the divorce, we're gonna hate each other. Like that's just- Oh, so you're going through a divorce now? Yeah, it's tough. But he's still in Canada. So I've been able to kind of like, out of sight out of mind and not think about it as much

as I should. So I gotta go deal with that. But no, yeah, I think I'm not gonna be with somebody just cause they have money, but moving forward, I'm not gonna be with somebody that doesn't have money. That's just- And you don't even have to have a lot. You just have to give me a lot of what you have. Like it's not, I'm not going to be with somebody that doesn't have money. That's just, and you don't even have to have a lot. You just have to give me a lot of what you have.

Like it's not, you don't have to be rich. You have to be generous. That's, there's a difference. I think it's very refreshing and fucking class to just be like, yeah, yeah, this is a big thing for me. Yeah, and I'm not saying that all men need to have money or all women need to marry a man with money. I didn't plan my life properly.

I don't have any other skills other than comedy. And if it's not gonna work out, I want a comfortable life. So I need to marry to get that. Like if you're young, and actually, you know what? If you're young and you're like 20 something woman, go do that. Take advantage of men for as many years as you can. Because I am starting this at 40.

I should have been doing, if I was not fat in my 20s, I would have just become a sugar baby, 100%. Were you fat in your 20s? Oh yeah, I was pretty big. Really, yeah. Yeah. You don't like, you don't give off the energy of someone who was fat in their 20s.

Ew. Yeah. Yeah, I know. Is that a compliment? Yeah. You know what I mean though? Like someone, like you come across as a very confident, like this is who I am. Like, lads I know, take even the gender thing out of it.

Lads I know who were massive and then end up like, they're a little shy about it, aren't they? Michelle's just turned up being like, you need two bill or I'm not fucking you. That's two billion pounds by the way. I'm pretty shy about it and certain things. Like I'm obsessed about it. Like when I watch, it took me a long time to post clips

because I hated watching myself. Because I would just look and be like, oh, I look fat. And then I wouldn't watch the rest of the stuff, right? I have the same battle with every clip I ever post. It affects me a long time to post clips because I hated watching myself because I would just look and be like, Oh, I look fat. And then I wouldn't watch the rest of the stuff. Right. I have the same, but it affects me in that way. It affects me in that way. I don't like to watch myself because I'll find something negative about my appearance. And then I don't have money to fix it anymore.

So that pisses me off. Like I need to like make money before like I'm in this fine line where it's, it's weird when you don't get looks your looks till you're like almost about to lose them. Do you know what I mean? Cause now like in society, like I'm a 40 year old woman, I'm like dad to like most of the male gaze. So it's like, I really have like two years to all of the male gay. I have two years, two years to find a rich man. Where are you looking? I go online. I got a podcast. I go online, I go podcast. Is anybody's watching? Oh, your DMs are going to be fucking horrific. No, honestly do it. I'll send me money and I will talk to you. Um, I'll cancel me petrin. I'll give you that three pound. Well, I do. I wish I could do that. So jealous

of girls in the twenties ago. You just go to men, giz money. Sometimes people just come to me like I got a guy on Instagram, very nice guy. I know you're probably watching you watch everything I do. He just randomly started sending me Amazon gift cards and I was like, what is this for? And he was like, honestly, it's for your nose. He was like, there's a really big nose kink community on Reddit. You should check out this stuff. We talk about celebrity female noses and I always think you should be on there one day.

You have the perfect nose. So thank you. And then he just sends me Amazon gift cards for that. I get told I have a cute nose. What the fuck is all about? Got no Amazon gift cards. I thought he meant like his money to get a new nose. No Amazon. The best thing about that is the nose. So you just get money for having a nose. I guess so. This is a privilege is wild. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. What the fuck?

Yeah. It's privilege in a sense, but the reality is he might murder me if I ever meet him, you know? But things like that happen. So things like that, or somebody messaged me and just was like, can I buy dirty socks? And I was like, you know what? Yeah. Okay. How low do they go? I made like 300 pounds off this guy. Imagine if I had not done exactly yesterday. And you paid for it?

So I made 300 pounds off this one guy, just my old shoes. He's like, any shoes you're going to throw out, call me. Or so I message him and he'd be like, yeah, 50 pounds. So I sent him that. It's not going to be a sad day though when you bring him and he goes, nah, I'll lash them. But this is the thing. So he got all my stuff and he was like,

this smells better than I can imagine. And I was like, great. And then he just disappeared. Profile gone, not responding to me, like disappeared. So I'm like, did he just get everything he wanted? Or was there like one bad sock in the bunch or something that he was like, ugh. You're being ghosted by your own pervert.

I know. But now I'm upset. I'm like, were my socks not, like is my foot odor not good enough? Like now I'm like, think that I've done something wrong with my feet and I want to like find this guy and be like, are we okay? Like, did you like, I'm upset.

Like, where did he go? I said smelly, but that's way too smelly. It is an interesting bit. Which is this girl I follow on Twitter. Well ex, formerly Twitter. And, jeez, Elam. I know if I had a mum, right? So I know a mum.

What? You seem quite ashamed of telling this story with your body language there. No, it's your icon. Oh, on your mouth. Oh, it looks like you. I know him mom. I know him mom. No, I know him mom. And she, she has a boyfriend, right? But she tweets every day because she's like a dumb. So she has like cooks and like sissy or whatever she calls them that follower, right? Now that's what she calls them. So she'll be like, she put like a delivery order up

the other day and it was like 70 quid. And she was like, why is everything so expensive? This is literally for me and my boyfriend to have dinner. And then she quotes me to their own tweets and was like, which little sissy punk ass cuck bitch is gonna pay for me and my boyfriend's dinner? And then the next thing she posted below, that was a cash app or whatever version she has,

and the exact amount for the dinner some little gimp had just sent to me. Yeah, the thing is, so I've tried that and I'm not gonna be mean to men. I know it seems like I can, but a guy, because I made a joke about that and a guy contacted me, he's like, I'm into that, Finda, I'm like, can you? So I tried to be mean to him and I can't. Like, I'm not, I'd be like cause I made a joke about that and the guy contacted me. He's like, I'm into that Finda. I'm like, can you, so I tried to meet him and I can't like, I'm

not, I'd be like, I'm sorry. Is that okay? Like what do I say? I'm like, Oh, stupid hat retard. Like I don't know how to, wow. Is anyone else erect? That really did it for me. What's your catch up? Like have you posted the delivery or whatever? Well, I posted. So how the sock I came about, cause I posted, I was like, I posted about how I needed money. I was like, Oh, I'm, I lost a weekend of work and I was like, Oh, I'm out of money at this weekend. And then he matched it. And he was like, Hey, I'm not going to give you money, but do you have socks? And I was like, yes. So I started just posting stuff like that and it works. Now the problem is like I tried to

do it with a coffee just to see what would happen because I'd read about that. So I posted being like, Oh, if only somebody would send me like a Starbucks, whatever. And the only person that bit was a comic. And I was like, I can't take it from you because then I'm going to have to see you and you're going to think that like I have a crush on you or something. I can't let you send me a Starbucks, but it didn't work with any other men. No other men came out of the woodwork for that one. Was this comma a pro comma, like a pro comma? Game, huh? Stinky.

Just try it with something big. Go on a new sofa. Well, I mean, I've got like rent paying stuff. Like I've had, I've had. Yeah. But that wasn't like a stranger. That was like from a sugar daddy website. Yeah. But you'd have to do it for gay guy. You know, women aren't going to pay for your car. I reckon someone to pay my mortgage genuinely people do. There are women that would, there are women that would, but you would have to be with a much older

woman. It would have to be a much older woman. Oh yeah, that's not a lot of- Post Laura, that's where I'm going. Oh, I have to be with them and they wouldn't just send me in? No. Oh, okay. So hang on, you said sugar daddy sites? Yeah. Cause I've seen you do crowd wear clips about this.

Are you actually on sugar daddy sites? I'm on and off. Like sometimes they're not as, a lot of it is just men looking for prostitutes and you gotta wade through that. Cause a lot of it, I'm like, go to an Oscar website. Like it's just like a premier in 50 pounds, eight o'clock. And you're like, no.

It's a good price for premier. It's not bad. It's probably more expensive than the room. So there are men who also try to use it like a regular dating site, which we get pissed off at. Oh, sorry. One sec. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

That was a man saying, I'll give you 50 quid to come to a premier at eight o'clock. Wow. That's not enough money. No, and also I'm not an escort. So they just, so it works best when, cause there are a lot of men on money. No, and also I'm not an escort. So they just so it works best when because there are a lot of men on there that think well, I'm taking you for dinner. That's the sugar. And I'm like,

no, you should do that anyway. That's basic. So so for anyone watching this who is confused, a sugar daddy websites is for you to go on and be like, I'm here. And a man just you have to tell them what you want. So you have to be very specific. You have to be very like, I'm not a hooker. Don't treat me like that. I'm you like, I'm not a hooker. Don't treat me like that. I'm, you know, I'm not looking just to go for dinner. Like, so there have been some guys

where it's just been really nice dates, like really high end dates where they send a car for you, a car brings you home, you go seven quarts meal. There is stuff like that. But then there are men that just want company. Like I spent like three months with the guy. We just went for dinner once a week and he paid my rent for those three months

and there was nothing sexual. It's cool. Nothing sexual. I'm into that. Yeah. rent for those three months and there was nothing in sexual, nothing sexual. Yeah. I mean, he definitely, I think one, it's not sexual, but he didn't have the confidence to just try it. So I was like, I'm just going to go on as many days as I can until he gets the confidence to try it and then I'm going to bounce. Oh, you could just get a girlfriend because they are expensive as well.

Right. But a lot of these, a lot of the men on there don't, a lot of the men on there are older divorce Tories. They don't want another woman. They've just been divorced. They don't want- I'm getting on these. I'm catfishing some divorce Tories, mate. They want somebody who they can take to events

or have at places who it's not going to look like an escort. Like somebody who it could look like. So those types of men are the ones that are attracted to me because I'm not in my twenties. And if, you know, a 70 year old man shows up at a members club with a 20 year old, everyone's gonna think it's your daughter or you've hired an escort. So I went to a lot of members clubs with a lot of men

from those sites just going. You are actually being an escort without the sex, because you are escorting them to a thing. Yeah, I guess so. It's like a non- But that's how dating should be. You should be paid for your time as a woman. I'm sorry, you should be. We go through so much and I know matter like well

We don't care about the Botox and the makeup and all that if women took one on strike. We're like, okay Well, we're gonna show up on dates as is men would be like, okay Here's a hundred quid go get yourself ready before our next date Yeah, but I call my on my head as well. I get me. A hundred pounds of coffee. I do like, I get the arguments. I totally get the arguments.

And I actually a hundred percent agree with you, but I'm going to argue with you anyway. Welcome to the show. No, but it's different for you though, because you also put an effort. So maybe if you're in a relationship and both people are putting an effort, that's not as much of an argument.

Absolutely. But a lot of men let themselves go and they still want a woman that looks good. But then if she's like, well, give me money for my nails. They're like, you know? I get that, see? So you want to give her a hundred quid and then go,

but I look great as well. I'll have the hundred quid back. No, 150 back. Yes, you owe me 50 quid. If you're in an equal relationship and you're both fucking contributing and I'm looking after myself and you're looking after yourself,

then everyone should be paying for their own thing. But see, that's the difference. I don't want to look after myself. Listen, I know I'm making myself sound awful. Like, and someone said to me the other day, they were like, I really like that character you've been doing. And I was like, what?

The gold digger. I'm like, yeah, it's character, it's saturation. I don't think like for me, like I said, I don't think men need to pay for everything, but they do for me. Cause for me, if you're not making my life easier, you're making it harder. And I'm in such a place right now where I'm so money

motivated that every second of every day, I'm just trying to make money. And if you want to date me and have some time in my life, you need to compensate for that because that's time that I could be out there making money. And you reckon you've got two years and then you're what? You're just going to exist in the wilderness. I'm going to need a facelift at some point. So I feel like that's going to be within three

to five years. So I have two years to find that man that's going to. And then a year to browse the options. But I want to fall in love. Like I want to fall in love too. I don't just want somebody just, you know. It's good that they've got both. I want both. Facelifts look like they hurt though, don't they? Probably.

This is honesty though, like if we're being really honest, if Laura left you or she died in some snowplow accident or something. God, she's always playing in the snow. Even in a heat wave, she'll still find it. Like, if you could choose your next wife, you'd fall in love with someone who's also a billionaire, wouldn't you? Or a millionaire?

It's like, I'm not going to date a smoker. So it's no different than saying that. I'm not going to date a smoker. I reckon if he's got enough money, let him smoke and then he's dead soon. Fuck whoever he wants if he has enough money, let's be honest. You know, there are levels, right? Like you're a billionaire. I don't see anything. Do whatever you want. How much money would a man have to have for you to be okay with him doing smack? You're a billionaire. I don't see anything. Do whatever you want. How much money would a man have to have for you to be okay with him doing smack? Like heroin? It's a tough question.

Yeah. And also not a lot of billionaires smack heads. That's what I'm thinking. For whatever reason. And I haven't done the research. Those two things don't go hand in hand. I feel like if he's a billionaire that does heroin, he's probably either just got the billions or just started the heroin and he's on a slippery slope and he's going to die soon. They're the best to get, get up, smack a billionaire and wait. Yeah. We left. If you are a billionaire, it must be tempting to go, God, I've really had to strive for all of these billions. Why don't you just sell everything and just get on heroin? Not even poke just. You're all thinking of like street heroin though. I

know. He's been sniffing that fucking email. I feel like I they would probably be skinnier than me if they did heroin and that would trust me out. I once had a girl in a nightclub go, when I was dead skinny... You tell me Keith Harris is an unsought, and made it talks to his hand every day, he's smacked off his shit. Anna Billionaire.

I once had a girl in a nightclub come up to me, very, very sexually confident, and it was when I was doing loads of pills and dancing, and I was a skinny little beat, and she went, oh, I really like you, but I could never sleep with someone who was thinner than me. Yeah. That's, yeah. Yeah. That's the thing. I feel that. And when I was big, most of the guys I dated were thinner because for some reason they were all really tall, skinny guys that liked big women. Some of the porn I've

watched for research for this interview has, yeah, that is a thing, isn't it? Wait, what type of porn did you watch for research for this interview? All of the porn. There is very few genres that are my for it. But it is, it's the little skinny little smack head looking guys, like just thumping it into a decent sized lady. Yeah, of course it is. Yeah, it's just mechanics really, isn't it? No, but like, is two fatties, is that a kink? No, it's not a kink, that happens, isn't it? No, but like, it's too fatty, is that a kink?

No, it's not a kink, that happens, doesn't it? Everything is someone's kink. Yeah, of course it is. Like my nose. What you're talking about, like two really big people, you don't see that that often, do you? It's because it's- You hear it. You smell it.

Like you see like a unit of a fella who's obviously got a bit of dough with a really slim attractive, and then you see unit women with like really skinny lads. That's a kink that way around. Do you think they just love mountain climbers? Do you think they're both kinks? No, I think a bigger man with a, you know,

a svelte woman, you could think money, but do the way around, I feel is a kink. Oh, I find that. I think that's one of my least favorite looks in porn. There's someone like massive bare belly. And there's a girl like, you can see it. What websites are you on, brother? I'm on the German, this is the German ones.

The German. Fick me, fick me, stick a dimmy mutt. It's... In all the porn, I watch the fellas are quite in shape. Yeah, but I'm bored of them. I'm bored of the ones where people are getting paid. I'm into... I'm not watching far fellas well.

I actually noticed the other day, I was watching porn and I noticed a fella that had a bit of chub on him. I was like, go ahead lad. Like I was happy for him, you know what I mean? Do you know, I genuinely think, and it's because when you watch porn, you're like, you can't be a fat cunt and still get to do this. You want, like lads want to be like, well you haven't had a donut in four years, you don't eat cheeseburgers, so you've got to sacrifice, so this is why you get that. When it's a slob, you're like, get off the screen. Don't they get it just because they've got big willies? Not all of them have. But I'm saying like most of them, that man's not attractive he's just got a massive willy. I don't think men need to be attractive in porn. That's what I mean yeah it's just like basically you're just there for

your willy aren't you? The man's just attached. You have to have a good looking knob. Yeah and also have the control. But why would it matter how good looking the knob is if it's mostly men that watch porn? It's important. But wouldn't... So you would judge? Yeah. If you saw like a weird looking Willy,

you'd be like, I can't watch that. Oh, men judge men's Willys in porn. Oh, I hate non-circumcised dicks when it comes to porn. Oh, what are we doing? If I've had to go through the trauma of a circumcision, I don't want to watch that little hooded rat come out. I never even saw like a non-circumcised dick till I moved to the UK. Really? It's just not a thing in North America. So only, only, only down in this

room has been circumcised. All of us are Jewish sympathizing. I've been since circumcision and that's not going well recently. Who knew that was going to go wrong? I like my foreskin. Yeah. I like your foreskin. It's like being able to put them away. Yeah. It's like she them tidy and open it. You know, no preference, no preferences as a lady. Like I'm going to say that in this room, I'm not going to say my preference. People get mad. No, they don't. Who gets mad? I think all pences are beautiful. Oh, so you don't want to lose some market. It's a bit of extra work when they're not cut. Why? I don't know. It just seems like an extra step. Yeah. Cause you're playing peekaboo with a bellend. Yeah. I think it makes it seem more delicate and I feel like... There he is!

I feel like I have to be careful. Right, okay. They just seem more delicate to me. Maybe just because I'm not used to it. Oh no, they're more robust. Much more robust. Oh no, get out the fucking way, robust! And he could fucking win some.

He's got a jacket on, he's like, let's go home, lads. You're like, oh, it might be cold. Fuck off. That's what my dick always says. It might be cold. Oh, you bastard bike you. So how do you guys feel about Bush then if we're talking about that? Oh, I'm starting to get into Bush. Okay.

I like it. I like a bit of a trim, but not a bit. Gotta be honest with you. Like I'm, I'm so regressive with this. I like a fucking waxed type. See most of us, most of the women. That's the better version, but it don't matter. A lot of women in my generation,

we all got all our body hair like lasered off when we were younger. And now all of a sudden they're like, the bush is coming back and we're like, what the fuck? George W. We have to get like a piece. As soon as we said Bush, I was like, one of us is saying George W at some point. I did it in the melee. My Bush did 9 11. But the laser doesn't get rid of all of it. Does it? It just sort of, it just mostly, yeah. My back's a lot better these days. But the lasers in North America are a lot stronger than lasers here because it hurts so bad back home and

here it doesn't hurt that much. So I don't know what the difference is. I have my back lasered. Good for you. Yeah. Good for you. More than I need to do stuff like that. So our next girlfriend was like bought you some lasers. I didn't complete the thing, but it's a lot better. The backbush is coming back though, so you've fucked it, haven't you? I've got a good like chest bush and I keep like a sort of medium Mons pubis. That's a good allotment. A medium Mons pubis. No one's ever said it. What's your old Mons pubis like?

I'd have a medium. Well I think everyone has a preference and like we live in a world now where saying your preference everyone's like, oh so women can't have hair on the pussies. Hey, so you know you can I just know Yeah, we're not a lot Yeah, it's that's why I had to say when you asked me about the preference about the penis because like people get really upset when You express a preference. They really really really preference. I'm not saying it's like I don't want coriander on me Cody, but I'll still eat it. That's why he says to Like a hairy back on a woman, you know. Let's make it a challenge.

Something to grab onto, isn't it? Like climbing for them. What is the weirdest non-sexual thing someone on a sugar daddy website has asked you? Non-sexual? Yeah. Oh. Cause like you're saying there's some people

who just want to treat you like a prostitute and they're like, get out of here, it's 20 quid or whatever. Like, is there anyone someone said, hey, could you do this and I'll give you some money? And you were just a bit like. Not weird, but one guy, and I couldn't do it just cause schedule didn't work out. I think he was gay and didn't want people to know.

Cause he was very gay and was like, I'm not gay, but I need a date for these red carpets. And I was like, okay. So we met, but then I ended up booking gigs and I couldn't go with him. But so that was something that I was like, okay, that's, that's interesting. That is interesting. Yeah. But not the famous person. No, he was just, he worked. I think he did something in fashion or something. And he wasn't coming out. Apparently he's not gay. So he's either not gay or just very effeminate, which is fine. But he just said he wanted like a date to like come to stuff. So weird opening to a message that isn't it? Hey, I'm not gay, but will you a woman be my date for this thing? Like I wasn't ever going to think you were gay before you brought

that up. Yeah. So that's strange. But I've had like, I had weird requests. Like I've had guys that just want me to leave sexy voice notes. They'll send me money. I get that. That's quite common now isn't it? Yeah. So I get money from that sometimes. They'll be like, can you just see me like a couple of them? And I'm like, okay. And then they'll send me. I think if I asked for something like that, I just get a woman to tell me I don't have to do the chores. What just like ASMR? Just like a babe. You just sit down. You just sit down. I know I said that when I want, when I get home from work tonight, I wanted the bins taken out and the dishes doing, but don't worry about that. I'll do them tomorrow. You just watch

the match and what happens when you're actual bar and you go, no, I'm gone. I want to start a business where online girlfriends. I know it's quite common though. Is it only fun? Girls to the girlfriend. We had an only fun's guest and she said she does the girlfriend experience. I get like, I've never done only fans. I don't do that kind of stuff, but I get asked to do that stuff all the time and I just slippery.

So I see how much money they make and I wish that I, I mean, you just sort of like only fans adjacent with the sugar daddy thing? No, because I'm not like posting nude videos of myself. Are all OnlyFans just doing porn? Aren't some of them doing like... I mean we know someone who's doing a niche thing that... Maybe if it's niche maybe, but I know some people who tried to do it for comedy and their DMs were just men being like, show me your tits. Like it was just very... Well OnlyFans pushed for that didn't they? Some of them ended up pivoting into the porn side of it and some of them were like the show me your tits. Like it was just very, it ended up. Well, only fans, only fans push for that. Didn't they? They were like pivoting into the porn side

of it. And some of them were like the stupid. I mean, they pushed, I think they, didn't they sponsor Thomas Green or like, no, they've done a few comedy night chat where they're like, we're not just for porn. Those ones, they were really kind of pushing to make it more, not just for porn. Cause I know some of the comics who did that and they told them, you know, you could do whatever you want with your only fans, but please don't post porn. Cause we're really trying to make it like not just a porn site. Yeah. They want it to be like Patreon. Yeah. But it's, it's, it's only fans are synonymous with set. Yeah. So I've definitely like, it's tempting, but I just don't, that's definitely

not for me. Yeah. No, and it's a totally different thing. I think maybe you've got a slight, slight misunderstanding of the sugar daddy thing. It's many wanna go on dates, but don't necessarily wanna commit to the partner, but they're just willing to pay to have the time of a attractive woman. There are some men that do want sex for sure. And they're upfront about that. And I appreciate that.

And I think if I went on a date with somebody and I liked them, yeah, I might sleep with them. And if they pay me, cool, but I'm not gonna sleep with somebody just for money. Do you know what I mean? If somebody was like, hey, I'll give you a thousand quid if you fuck me. And it's somebody that I would never touch, I'm not gonna sleep with somebody just for money do you know what I mean? If somebody was like hey I'll give you a thousand quid if you fuck me and I don't it's somebody that I would never touch I'm not gonna do it does that make sense? Yeah yeah yeah

like I I just don't have it in me to fake it and I wish I did like I don't have it in me to be like oh yeah I love you you're so like I just can't. A million? Yeah I do it for a million. You'd be faking that shit easily. Nobody's paying a million pounds for this. Let's be honest. That's not happening. I don't know. You know, I don't think there's a person on the planet that I wouldn't fuck for a million person.

I don't think there's a single person on the planet. Alex Ferguson. I'd bomb him for free. Sir Alex Ferguson. No. That's not what I said. I said I fuck them. You get fucked.

I'm not getting fucked by Alex Ferguson. Wait, do you not what I said. I said, I fuck them. You get fucked. I'm not getting fucked by Alex Ferguson. Wait, do you want to fuck or get fucked? I want to fuck. Okay. Could be anyone's asshole. Sir Alex Ferguson's asshole. Could be anyone's asshole.

What about half a million? Honestly, Alex Ferguson, I'd do for like 25 grand just to say, back on our page, brother. Phil Taylor. Yeah, put a mil. Carl's doing darts please. A million pound, got a house to do up. That's the house that Phil built. Do you all have, women?

Do you all have significant others? Married, no. You're married. You're married. You're married. You've been married a month today. Congratulations. He's married. Finn, you single?

He's looking for love. Finn's looking for love. I mean, by not. How's the love life at the minute, Finn? Yeah, it's all right. Yeah. When you take girls on dates, do you pay? First one, normally, and then see what they're saying. But if, if they don't

offer a card, I will pay. That helps. Does it help? I think the fellow should always pay. Yeah, I do. But what about what? So you, you don't even do the fake thing of, oh, we'll go hard. I stopped doing that. I used to do it. And then I decided that I'm not doing it anymore because I'm very specific about the type of man that I look, look, I'm a feminist. Okay. I'm just really broke. I need to make that very clear. Like I'm a modern woman, but I can only afford to date a traditional man at this point in my life. Okay. So personally organized the date. Yeah. But I'm not also not going to ask you want to date. I'm paying. If you ask me, I'm a fucking pain. If you ask me, yeah, you asked me, but you like,

if you asked me and I said yes. And it was like, cool. Whoever books laser quest should pay for it. Whoever's taking who on a date, always taking me on a date he asked. I'm telling you right now, if I was a single man and a girl said to me, do you want to go to the laser quest? I'll pay. Even if she's on it. Right? Like I asked, I went on a date last week and I was like, oh, we should do something fun like mini golfing or whatever. And that was the one time that I offered to pay. I wanted to see how he would

take it. And he was like, no, absolutely not. And I was like, there you go. What did you do that was fun? Oh, you actually did the mini golf. It was really fun. Did he beat you? No, I won. Oh, I'm pretty good at mini golf. He's got to pay. I'm really good at mini golf. You pay as well, baby. You won. Is that where I've been going wrong then? Or is this, is that a you in the minority? At least say for the first three dates and then maybe have the discussion on what their expectations are

in terms of finances in a relationship. If you're going out for drinks, you're just getting rounds in. Not on the first one, but after that, you're like 26. You've got a few years left of getting away with this. More mini golf. He's also a struggling musician. Okay, that's different. That's different, because you're also dating women

probably around your age. He's not struggling at all. Okay, that's different. That's different, because you're also dating women probably around your age. He's not struggling at all. I'm down on my luck. I don't know, maybe it's different in your 20s. Maybe it's different in your 20s. Maybe I would be more accepting in my 20s, but I think I just don't have time to waste. Are you a musician?

You're just not struggling? I'm struggling a little more. I'm doing the cavern next week. Oh. I'm doing good. I'm doing really well. So you can afford to pay for the dates. Oh, I'm doing good. I'm doing really well. So you can afford to pay for the dates. No, I was not doing that well.

No, he can afford his pot. Looks a bit of pot. And I went on a date with a girl last year and she very upfrontly straight away. It was like, just so you know, I'm not one of these modern women. She was like, can I expect you to pay for everything? If we go out and I was like, yeah, so.

Great. See, I, wouldn't you appreciate that honesty right off the bat? Yeah, totally. That's what I think. And I, some people find it refreshing and other people are just like, no. Like I, a few guys I met,

I didn't tell them I was a comic and then they found me, they Googled me and they saw all the sugar nutty stuff and they were like, no, absolutely not. I'm out of here. So I definitely have to be a bit cognizant of that because I just put everything online and then some people, if they find it, they find it funny and they'll still want to go out or other people are like, no.

Do you Google people? I mean, I've said I'm monogamous, Marie, do you Google people? Yeah, of course. Long time listener first time. Monogamous. Well known for it. I mean, you known for it. No, but that's the definition of serial monogamy. I've never heard someone describe themselves as a serial monogamous.

I'm a serial thingy because I go from relationship to relationship to relationship. Oh, are you a relationship jumper? I mean not anymore. Not anymore. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Google people who you date. Yes. Yeah. Of course you do. What if it's a mad or if it's carol basket, what if it's a monster under your bed? What if they've got you go out with carol basket? Oh, I would fuck carol basket. I'd ask her where he went. Yeah, but it's well worth a Google. What if they're not famous? What if they've got the same name as a dentist in New Jersey or something? What's the point? You can find the photo. Type in Liverpool or... Yeah. Do you find the photos anyway on Instagram? You don't really need to

Google them for that. Yeah, an Echo article. Woman kills four of her ex-husbands, spared prison by lenient judge, and now we're in fucking, let's ask it together. Have you ever had like people you're dating find clips where you've talked about them? No, I'm normally like, it's normally after the relationship I do the best. You're just going big bits as well.

I had, um, cause I went out with that, that older sugar daddy, he invited me away for a weekend and I was like, no, he's going to want sex. I can't go. And I told a guy friend and he was like, how much was he going to give you? I was like, 2000 pounds. He's like, I'll give you the money. Like, don't go like just take the money. And I was like, okay.

So I took the money and then I went anyway. Um, I went for an hour and I was like, I'm sorry. I don't want to go through this. And the guy gave me the 2000 pounds anyway. So I made like double the money. Cash. Yeah. And then I told that story on stage

and the guy who gave me the money not to go heard it. And he did not take kindly to that. He's like, oh, so I'm the sucker that paid you not to go and you went anyway. And I was like, that's just a joke. I just thought that would be funny if I did do that. Yeah. I've done that. I've lied as well. Yeah. He is. He is a socket. Isn't he a sucker? A sucker. Oh, a sucker. Yeah. A little bit. Yeah. He is. It's not you. This is a bit. I know it seems coincidental to

joke. I wrote this bit for the podcast. Michelle, do you podcast for free? What do you mean podcast for free? I mean, is this free? Oh no, no. Everybody's going down on me before I leave. That is free though. The best things in life. I brought my bush wig, don't worry. No, I'm getting paid for this, aren't I?

Yeah, 11 quid. 11 quid? 11 quid? 11 quid. That's good. I can do that. Yeah. Bowling. Should we have a break?

We should probably have a break. Let's have a break. Let's put a little funny adversing. Hello everyone. Time to tell you about our absolute favorite sponsor. It's Manscaped. Boo. Good for your pubes and the garden.

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No, but I like it. Yeah. That's a very common shortening over here. I get Michelle Shaughnessy a lot and I prefer Shelly. Yeah, because Michelle sounds like a trucker. Yeah, it does sound like a trucker. Shelly Shaughnessy rolls off the tongue. Should I change my name for stage? Should I be Shelly. Shelly Shaughnessy rolls off the tongue. Should I change my name for stage? Should I be Shelly?

Shelly Shaughnessy works. I think that works and then that'll stop people Googling you from these sites finding out what you do. Well, if you Google Shelly Shaughnessy, you're still going to find Michelle Shaughnessy. That could be your wrestling name, Sugar Baby Shelly Shaughnessy. I love that. That's... find a way. Oh my God. The fact you did that without like missing a syllable there was...

Let's do this. Okay. I think I'm rebranding into a wrestler. I Googled it and it's not come up with you. It's come up with an author called Shelly Shaughnessy. Fuck that author. Fuck her. If you also Google Michelle Shaughnessy. No, that's maybe Shelly. There's also a woman named Michelle Shaughnessy

who wins a lot of prizes for her cattle. So I get her Google alert a lot. Tits. No. That's me. Oh, that's me! Oh, that's a new one. Break that down.

You're going on tour. I'm technically on tour. It's a very small tour. Just kind of get my feet wet in the UK and see if I have a fan base. I don't. Spoiler alert. So it's been fun. Yeah?

Challenging. But I'm enjoying going? So I am going I'm doing here. I don't have the date yet. I will have the date by the end of the week. It's going to be September or October in Liverpool. I have Birmingham. I have Southampton. I have your website. I'm said Michelle's funny.com Michelle us funny.com. I'mheim said, I can't pronounce this Chelmsford. That's right. Did I say it? I've been trying so hard because I had to do a promo video for it. They kept sending it back and being like, you're not saying it right. And I was like, I'm saying it goes to Michelle's funny dot com dot com and check out all the dates that you said it's been a bit challenging. So have you put this talk together yourself? I have helped. So I'm working with RBM on promotion and they're great for that. But it's still hard. I think

When you realize that it's you that aren't selling the tickets, do you know what I mean? Like it's not like a club show where you're there's four or five of you on the bill and you're like, oh barely many people came Yeah, you're like, oh barely any people came for me. Like that's just different. Yeah, it's different and I feel pressure Yeah, it's uh the first tour when you haven't had something to catalyze that. Everybody's on tour right now. Yeah. So it's been really difficult because even like some of the clubs that I tried to do shows and they were like, we have too many and we can't even give away tickets. Like people were oversaturated essentially. So that's been tough. But I think it's good for me to do just because I am trying to like, I want to work on the next hour. And so I got to get this one out

of my brain. Absolutely. But it's difficult because I haven't, I did it for the first time last week at angel and I hadn't done it since the fringe. And it's just weird how much your life changes in certain amount of time. Cause now some of the stuff I'm like, well, this doesn't feel authentic anymore. Yeah. You don't want to change it, but then you don't want to change it. Cause you're like, well, that will be for the next show. Yeah, I'm struggling with. Yeah. I think just my advice with that sort of stuff, not that you've asked for it, is just.

Try and do whatever feels right, and you will write all the stuff for the next show. Yeah, you've got something that feels more authentic now. Do it now. Thank you. Because by the time you do the next show, it might not be relevant then. That's going to save something and then get around to the thing you've saved it for and it might not be relevant then. That's gonna be right. You don't wanna save something and then get around to the thing you've saved before and then go, oh, I don't even like that anymore. Cause then you're constantly doing

what you should have been doing a year before. That's fair. Yeah, you're right. I needed to hear that cause I've been really hesitant. Anything you've got now, just like do it. You'll feel so much better for it. Especially once you've done the show,

like, you know, into double figures and stuff. If you're every night of the week saying something you really don't believe or don't identify with, and you're not even doing it to be provocative, you're selling it as this is what I actually think, but this is how I actually feel or whatever emotion you want to attach to it. If you're doing that every night, you'll just want to blow your fucking head off by the end of the run. I mean, I do most nights anyway, for being a real hero. Maybe this is why. Life mean, I do most nights anyway, for being real here. Maybe this is why. Life's really tough.

Maybe, yeah, maybe that's why. So it's been different, but it's been good different, if that makes sense. Cause I just felt, I kept waiting. I remember the first time I met you, we did a weekend at the store, I think. And we were talking about stuff and I had said that I couldn't get an agent

and you were like, stop trying, who cares? Like just do your own thing. And that really stuck with me because I spent so much time being upset that nobody wanted me here, you know? And then I was like, I'm just gonna try. And then I started posting clips and started a podcast and did, you know,

and that actually has, my numbers have gone up and I'm like, oh, I just had to like put stuff out. Yeah. But I think you, I just felt like I needed to wait for somebody to come and be like, hey, this is what we're gonna do with you, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just the old fashioned, we've all done that.

Like I didn't always have that attitude. Well, it's because when we started comedy, we didn't have this like clips, clips, clips. I don't know when you started, but I assume it was a while ago too. When we started, it was just, just be funny. When did you start? It's been a long time, like 18 years.

Yeah, so I'm 15 this year. So I say 18, but for the first three years, it's been a long time. Uh, like 18 years. Yeah. So I'm 15 this year. So I say 18, but I, for the first three years it wasn't really 15 properly, but it was 46. So it was telegrams. Carry your pigeon jokes. Yeah. He had a great bear on the wireless. Didn't you? I love the wireless.

Didn't you? So I think we just were bred. just be funny, just be funny. And then somewhere along the line that changed and you either got to roll with the changes or you don't. And I just didn't roll with the changes for too long. Yeah, everyone's just had to become a businessman as well as on a clip making and a graphic designer and everything.

Because otherwise you're gonna be paying an agent 20% on top of all that to get some of that stuff here. The two jobs that I've got that weren't stand up in this country, I did a writing job and a bunch of advertisements, like commercials. I just got those because someone saw me at a club. So the two things that I booked that weren't, that would have been stuff that I'm like,

oh, I need an agent for that. They, I just booked it because they like what I did on stage. I had an agent for a while or manager, depending on what you sort of term you use, because they can be separated as well. And they got me quite a bit of stuff. And I had to admit, when that manager left the industry,

I got offered to stay within the management company with a different manager or sign with a couple of different other people. And I just had to look at what was happening with this podcast and my own stuff and the stuff I was earning for myself and be like, is what they're getting me worth 20% of everything I'm getting myself?

Because when you sign with someone, they take 20% of everything, it's not 20% of what they get. Yeah, it's fucking 20% of everything. I had a meeting with one manager and the manager in question was like, if you sign with me, it's 30% because I'm the best. Probably know who that is, yeah.

Yeah, and also it would include your podcast. I know exactly who that is, yeah. And that's problematic. But the conversation was killed dead when I said, if I owned a bakery, would I have to give you 30% of all the cakes we sold? And the manager was like, no, you wouldn't have to do that. That's different. And I was like, well, it isn't the podcast is a production company that I own equity in. I get paid dividends from

a business. I'm not taking a wage from a podcast. It's a business that I'm a shareholder of. And that was the end of that conversation. And then I just thought I'm not signing with anyone. And just, and just for those who don't know the industry, that manager was Neil Warnock. Sorry, sorry. He's had success, you know, he's had so many promotions. Should we do some advice? I think Michelle, old fucking sugar baby, Shelly Shaughnessy. Dorswood, done it.

That works too good. I need something like helps blind children Sha That works too good. I need something like, helps blind children, Shaughnessy. Like I need something. That should be genuinely, because you're not going to be a wrestler, I don't think. But that should genuinely be your next tour show title. OK. Sugar Baby Shelly Shaughnessy.

Hit me up and I'll let you use it for, you know, a little bit of... And the poster could be you as a wrestler, but with like sort of really glamorous things. I feel like we're coming up some really good ideas here. This is it. You can produce it. That's all he's ever wanted. 40% of everything.

Even my cakes. This is from anonymous. I need some help here. I've recently split from a lady that I've been seeing for about six months We had great chemistry had a good time for the most part and the sex was tremendous But the lows were pretty bad mental arguments out of fucking nowhere and a ton of weird jealousy about stuff that happened Well before we met after going back and forth

We finally broken up, but I need help because I'm so close to messaging her again. What advice can you give here? I want to make this breakup stick, but need some coping mechanisms. How do I stay away from the crazy who's great in bed? Find some other good sex. That's hard though, you know. Yeah. Like you've got lucky in your life. Absolutely.

You found the love of your life when you were nine or whatever it was. And you're a serial monogamist, so that worked. Serial monogamist. That worked. You know, one shot, one kill. And I imagine the sex is all right. Sex is great. There you go. All right. So you've got lucky because sometimes as a single man, you know, I once slept with six women in one year. I'm a single man. You know, I once slept with six women in one year. Right? Rough estimate. And I'm telling you, some of them.

It was more than six, by the way. It was seven. It was six. You make me out to be in this big hole. You were being a dirty boy that year. Six. It was six in the first quarter. It was six.

Wow. You've gone too far now. It was six. Wow. You've gone too far now. It was six, okay. Have you no self-respect? I'm telling you, most of them, bag of spuds mate, they just fucking lie there, expect you to fucking do all the graft. Mad dog.

As opposed to what? One of them was- As opposed to fucking, you know, getting involved. Right. Doing some hip action. Get involved, move around, you know. Was there foreplay? Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. By the way, I'm a competitive little fuck Michelle, right? So when I'm with a woman, she is coming, whether she likes it or not. That's a weird threat, isn't it? They always want to. Very progressive. Like I'm, you know, deliberate, like not deliberate. Aggressive.

No, determined. Determined. That's good. Not a lot of men have that attitude. I don't think I could finish. She never just get over with it. I'd feel like. I have done that as well.

No, but you know. I don't know, I'll be like, Oh, she doesn't feel like a bit of a dickhead. Yeah. This guy that wrote in though, it doesn't sound like, feel like I've been over the head. Yeah. Yeah. This guy that wrote in though, it doesn't sound like it sounds like he still likes her though. Yeah.

She's not good for him. Why isn't she good for him? Because she's mental. You can read. I have been there. Crazy, scary ladies and they suck your Willy so well. I guarantee you. No, I guarantee you.

She's jealous about something that makes sense. Because word just like his word on it is, oh, from stuff in the past. What was that stuff in the past? Do you still follow that girl on Instagram? These are all things that a woman should have, you know. You gotta still follow your ex on Instagram, see what they're up to. See who the fuck I'm with now. What's that cunt doing?

You know? We all do that, don't we? That's not to be jealous about. Do you have to? No, but if your lady said, unfollow this person, it makes me uncomfortable. When you unfollow them. Oh, we've had this debate. Oh, interesting old Shelly's found the truth.

If it was someone I'd been with in the past, yes, I would. Okay. Because I don't understand that. But if it was someone else, if it was just an attractive person. Like me? No, I'm joking. Yeah. But like, for example, if my missus went, you've got to unfollow Michelle, I'd go no.

And if my missus said to me, you've got to unfollow Janine Harouni, I'd say no. That's also a colleague you work with or you need to be able to contact with. The argument was we had an only fan, come back to that, an only fans girl who was a guest. And it was whether we should be following her or not because she, because she isn't a colleague and she only posts. But she's been on the pod. She's been on the pod though. She is a colleague.

And it's just because of what she does for work. And a friend. It's literally discrimination against sex work. If you, I would feel, if I did a pod and somebody didn't follow me after, I'd feel right again. It is though. It is though. That is though.

It is though. It is though. It's you're saying I- What's really funny about this is you are so unbelievably wrong on it. You are wrong. It's an opinion you think I'm wrong. Yeah, yeah, but like the right opinion to have is

yours is so wrong. The argument was that she only posts sexual content. This is new. So why? Lloyd Griffith. Love that. It's gonna go down really well. So the opinion was she only posts sexual content.

So why don't I follow you can also follow somebody and then just mute it. So you don't see that stuff. Why are you following them? Because it's polite. She was a guest. She made the time to come down here and be a guest on your show. I would feel hurt if no, you guys all better fucking follow me after this. We're going to have some fucking problems.

I don't follow anyone. I'd feel hurt. Do it now. They follow you back? They've been on the pod? Yeah, yeah, that's your argument, that's what I'm saying. Did you follow her and had to unfollow her or did you not follow her? So I was following her and she went and makes me uncomfortable because she only posts sexual content. Okay, cool.

It's not worth the argument for me to... I get that, but also at the same time to unfollow her. If I noticed that I did your podcast and you unfollowed me after I would be like, what did I do? But if she asked me in person, I go, yeah, cause you post your tits all the time. My wife wasn't comfortable with it. And she would understand that. That's fair. Yeah. I just don't like, I'm a jealous person, but stuff like that doesn't make me jealous. Cause you don't post your tits every day. Maybe I should start. No, cause my husband was on, he was on a TV show for a really long time.

So he would often just get women like send naked photos like in DMs and stuff. And I thought it was great. He was magnum PI. Shit. He didn't even know about it. So he got, I was like, do you ever- He didn't even know he was on a TV show?

No, we were talking, he was on a show called Degrassi, which wasn't popular here, but it was popular everywhere else in the world. And it was like a- What was it called? It's called Degrassi. which wasn't popular here, but it was popular everywhere else in the world. And it was like, it's called Degrassi. Degrassi. Yeah. Mrs. Can we see what he looks like? Is he a beautiful man? Yeah, go ahead. Google him. What's his name? Okay. Uh, Stefan Brogren. He's great. I still love him. We're still friends, but he didn't notice that you

have a request bin and Instagram. And he was like, what is all this? I'm like, go in it. And it was so many women being like, here's my tits, here's this. I love you. He's a good looking guy. He's fine. You know, he's Rick. You can do better. Yeah. That's the right thing to do is that we are friends. So when I go home and we're supposed to be dealing with stuff, we just end up getting stoned and playing Mario Kart and having a good time. You know what I mean? So it's difficult. By the way, I thought you were about to say upset then. No, no, we get stoned and playing Mario Kart and having a good time, you know what I mean? So it's difficult. By the way, I thought you were about to say abscess then. No, no we don't. No, we don't.

We get stoned and play Mario Kart. We don't, we just get stoned and play Mario Kart and just shoot the shit like we're best buddies. That's the problem. Why are you getting divorced then? So what was the wait? I mean, that's a mad question, but what was the other thing? Mario Kart and Pops.

We just do that all the time. That sounds class to me. We just want different things. He doesn't want to live here. I don't want to move back to Canada, you know? Fair. We just want different things. Like he's never going to live here. And don't want to move back to Canada, you know, we just want different things like he's never going to live here.

And so we tried to like going back and forth and that just doesn't, that makes sense. So we just, we just want different things. Do you not like Canada? Something I don't like Canada. There's just nothing for me there. Like once you, once you get into the, your place in the comedy circuit there, and you headline the clubs, which is different than here, because when you're headline there, you do 45 minutes. So it's very different. And once you do that, you can headline every club, maybe once every, definitely once a

year, maybe every eight months if they like you. And then one other time you could have a full weekend as an MC. So then it just becomes this repetitive thing where you're doing the same circle of clubs year after year. And it just felt like my life was going in circles and doing the same things over and over again. And I just freaked out and I was like, I have to get out of here. That is genuinely how you were feeling about the UK say, isn't it? You said that before. And like, yeah, because I've been going 20 years and I didn't know. The word circuit becomes really apt after a while. I felt like I was just very monotonous. I was like, I don't feel like I'm progressing. I don't feel, you know,

and we'd, I'd see the same headliners that were headliners when I started and I'm like, they're still doing the same 45 minutes. There's not that fire under your ass there to do a new hour. It's not like here. So I really, I needed something. I needed something more to like work hard and bring the love for comedy back again. Yeah. That's why I started playing the ukulele. Change it up, you know what I mean? No, don't, you did that. It's artistic.

He actually did start playing the ukulele for a bit. It's really embarrassing, like, year of his life. I'm doing it next week on a special as well. How did you get into it? Why did you pick it up? What? For the girls. That makes sense. You were getting too many of them.

You wanted to get them. I don't know if you've heard about ukulele puzzle, but. That's the next name of your special. Shall we do some- Wait, I feel, but we didn't give this guy any real advice. Just be careful, mate. Walk away, don't marry them. Just marry a nice person who you love.

Go back to her. She sounds nice. Give her another chance. Go back to her. The sex is good. Deal with it later. Shelly's a crazy. I would argue that if,

it depends how mental she is and how good the sex is. There's like a graph, isn't there? There is a graph. It's like, it's the hot crazy scale. So you can be as crazy as you are good in bed, but you can't be more crazy than you are good in bed. And the absolute dream is an absolute fucking psycho in the bed who's just like, yeah, do you believe I could do a poo on my car bonnet and I'd be like, on your car bonnet.

Yes. I'll do it for 10 quid. Everything's got a price. He's paying you. Do I have to be there? You see that woman who got arrested this week for shooting on the car. Explosive diarrhea. There was like road rage between two cars and she literally like she's screaming at the other woman who's in the other car behind her and she goes, I had you know what? And she walks right over to a car pulls a kex

down explosive diarrhea all over the car bonnet and then drives home and the police turn up at her house. Is that illegal? Yeah. Yeah. In decent exposure. I think it's just shitting on a car. I think she was charged for like incitement or something,

like aggravation, some sort of aggravation. It's class like the fact she had that poo ready to go means- Is that someone with IBS right there. Yeah. So the lesson is don't argue with Adam in traffic. There is a threat. Shall we do some executive orders and we've got a new jingle.

This isn't just any order. This is an executive order. Keep on it. Lidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidl A-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-deed-de Yeah, that's the one. I'm so good at voices. Was that you? I had no idea. Yeah. I'm joking. I could tell. Have you got any executive orders, Michelle? Have you got anything you would like if you were the president of the world? What would you push through?

I think this is going to be controversial. And I thought a lot about this because I think it would be hard to implement. But I think women is going to be controversial. And I thought a lot about this because I think it would be hard to implement. But I think women should pay less for rent and they should get free transit. Why? Free trains and stuff? Yeah. Do you want to pay for anything Michelle? No. I also think women statistically make less, right? Apparently. Apparently. That's what they say. Shouldn't it just be a percentage then that you pay a percentage less than us? Yeah. Percentage less.

Not for free? Not for free. I think that we should have a percentage less. I do think transit should be free for women and children. Children are free. But why though? Just because of the pay gap? I think the pay gap.

I think that would be a good start for sure. But let's say me and you both work in the same branch of being Q. Right. And we're on the same hourly wage. Why do you pay less than? Well, because you have to pay. You don't have to buy tampons every month. They should be free. You don't have to put on makeup.

You don't have to do mascara. You don't know about my nosebleeds. That's true. Actually, I don't. If you go in, I'll be combative on this.. I knew you guys were gonna be combative on this. I knew you guys were gonna be combative on this. I knew that I was gonna reach a little bit of a... We provide three tampons for all of our guests in our waste tube.

Really? There's tampons in our toilet, yeah. We're so sandwiched. I would've scheduled this for when I'm on my period. Yeah. If I knew that. Please don't steal them. Literally losing money.

No, I just think that, I think that, okay, you know the old fashioned women and children first? I think we need to bring that back a little bit. Bollocks made. So if a boat crashes, I die. Why? Because you can't produce more kids. Do you think, so you think your life is more important than like a child? I do think my life is more important than a child. I expect that from you. You, I had high hopes.

What are they going to do? What's a child going to do? Let's say like there's like a nuclear Armageddon of some sort, right? And it's me or the children. I'm much more useful to rebuild society than some fucking eight year old who loves Lego. Would you want to survive a nuclear Armageddon though? That's not the point. That's irrelevant. No, I don't, but I'm selfless, Michelle. So I want to live and kill the point. That's irrelevant. I'm no, I don't, but I'm selfless Michelle. So I want to live and kill the kids. Rebuilding the earth mid-century. If you're on a cruise ship, if you're on a cruise ship and it crashes, you like why get in the boat with the kids? Fuck the men. Yeah. Oh, sorry. Am I supposed to stay on until the ship sinks? No. Wouldn't

you feel embarrassed as a man, if you saw me there helping and you wouldn't you be like, ma'am, get in this boat, save your life. I put you in it, but then I'm getting it. Just get everyone in the boats. I mean, there should be enough first served. Yeah. And you're stronger than women and children. So instead of women paying less, what if everybody has affordable rent based on what their income is? Yeah, that's much better. Socialism.

You guys, I think I'm growing up. What do you think of the thing? And all these OnlyFans girls earn millions, mate, they could be paying for my fucking gaff, can't they? You do know all right though, I don't know if this is gonna hurt you or something. Let me phrase something, I didn't know how hard it was gonna be to survive in London

and make money and survive. That's why I'm so letting you focus right now. You don't have to live in London. Do you know how cheap it is in Coventry, girl? Do you know how cheap it is in Nottingham? I don't. In Chrill. I don't drive. In Preston. In Carlisle, over to the left.

You could be the whole comedy circuit in Wigan. You'd really stand out. What do you think? Oh my God, what if I just become like the it girl in Wigan? Miss Wigan. Just go. What you've got to do is change trains there.

And you'll do that. That's all you've got to do. Go to Edinburgh on the train. What do you think of the Finnish thing where you get, so say you get a driving ticket. So you get a driving ticket and you earn loads of money and then somebody who doesn't and you pay the same in some European countries, it's a percentage of your wage.

I like that. Bollocks. No, I like that. I think that's smart. No. Yeah, because somebody who's a millionaire can go, fucking, I'll park outside there. Exactly.

And they might think a little bit. You don't have to be a millionaire to do that because I'm not a millionaire and I do do that. I I can pay you that. Exactly. I think I can think a little bit. You know I'm not a millionaire and I do do that. I know you do do that. Because sometimes it's cheaper. No one tells you this. Like a parking ticket is 50 quid, 25 quid. If you pay it within 14 days, the queue parks 30 quid. This is what they're saying.

So if you're a millionaire and you think like that. You should be paying more. You get a three grand parking ticket. No, fuck that. No, no. Yeah. No, no. But listen, if you don't. This is why they've implemented it. No, just because I've figured this out doesn't mean you're taxing me for being clever.

Because think of it, if everybody did what you did, there'd be nowhere to park and the streets would be overrun with cars where they're not supposed to be. Yeah, but no one's as clever as me. I don't. There you go. But like, if you get caught speeding, it could be like you had a five grand fine if you are, you know, driving a Lamborghini. It's not fair that you pay the same as someone who can just. No, it could be like you had a five gram fine if you are, you know, driving a Lamborghini. It's not fair that you pay the same as someone who can just...

No, it's not. And that's actually a really good system to bring money into like the economy. Do you think we should get rid of points on a license in exchange for just fines so you can just speed as much as you want as long as you've got the dough to pay for it? Isn't that America? Isn't it just a ticket? I think so, yes, but that's not the right answer, is it? That's just paying to be a criminal.

Sounds good to me, that.'s just paying to be a criminal. Sounds good to me, that. That sounds good to all of you. Oh, I have another executive order. And I've thought a lot about this one, too, because I wanted to start a charity. Go on. I, this is my idea.

For women who are maybe hard on their luck, they need to get a job or they want to whatever. It's a theme here. I think. Free money for women forever. Jesus Christ. I think things like Botox and cosmetic stuff should either not be taxed or you should get, if you can't afford it, it should be subsidized a little bit. Why? It used to be on NHS. Botox on the NHS? It used to be. Yeah. In the UK used to be able to get cosmetic surgery on the NHS. So my nan can't get a hip replacement

for three years but someone can get the tits done. You be able to get a cosmetic surgeon. So my nan can't get a hip replacement for three years, but someone can get the tits done. You could go to the hospital and go, I've got big boobs. Oh, that's a breast reduction though. No, no, no, you could also go, I've got small ones. Really? And you go, it's hurting me, it's making me sad.

And you would get a pee, not anymore. Even as a man? So you don't know what? Men could do it as well. Yeah, I think that's fine too. I'm just speaking from the perspective of a woman. But I think things like that, it can really change someone's life.

It can really change someone's life if they, you know, have a nose they hate and they don't go out in public or they don't. Like I think in society we focus so much on making you feel like you need to love yourself. And there's a way to love yourself, but also want to fix something that you know will help you love yourself more. Do you know what I mean? Via the NHS. Via the already near crippled NHS. yourself and there's a way to love yourself but also want to fix something that you know will help you love yourself more. Do you know what I mean?

Via the NHS. Via the already near crippled NHS, some munter from down the lane needs... Did you miss the part where I said... I think my stomach's got internal bleeding. Get out the way. I'm doing it. It's... Did you miss the part where I said I wanted to start a charity? I want this to be a charity project to help this for these people. I want to find people and say listen... Tits for mingers. You seem like you could be a charity project to help this for these people. I want to find people and say, listen,

Tits for mingers. You seem like you could be a little more attractive. I got you. We need to brand this, Michelle. Oh, it's like a slush fund for ugly people. Yeah. I'll tell you what, Maze, I'll host that fucking fundraiser. Give you four on after one.

These are all the tits we did last year. Get them out. Slush for a bit of mush. Come on. Can we get the branding sorted for this? You'd have to be really rich and go, right. I want to that society. Beautiful. Here's a billion pounds. Fix everyone. Not even fix everyone, but just like, you know, maybe you've had a baby and like something you, you, you know, you, you want a tummy tuck or you have

a stretch mark that annoys you something, you know, just help people feel good about themselves. Cause I think when people feel good about themselves, they are more productive members of society and that benefits us all economically. Can we get dick enlargement on your charity? Oh, no, it's a fucking agenda. Who gets hurt by dick enlargement? Nobody gets dick enlargement. If you could, you can get your, you can get Botox in your bollocks. Yeah. It's a fact. Yeah. It's a fact. You get whole talks. That's what guys get before they get packed. It's called whole talks. So it relaxes your butthole so you don't feel like the penis going at what's the point? It's a really big thing. I've only been fingered and not just went in. Would you be surprised if you met a man who had very smooth balls. It would be too much. The weird Adam

got fingered in me. It's not a job. This is a post to work out. Can I agree with you? Should we do one from the listeners? Yeah. Faye says... Come back, Dan. Faye's Dan's ex, so we can't get over. I mean, truly, if Laura's watching, I can, I know, but it's funny. The audio listeners, sad wink. That'd be a good special, by the way. Just Dan and Faye having a chaff for two hours. Where did it all go wrong? When I dumped her. On the beach? Good special, by the way. Just Dan and Faye having a chaff for two hours.

Where did it all go wrong? When I dumped her. On the beach? This has got just touched into too real then, didn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Beautiful Faye says, executive order, hi lids. I'm very passionate about this. TV shows and adverts should have a set volume. I shouldn't be cracking up the volume

to watch the show and then all of a sudden Volvo for life is being screamed at me drives me mad having to fumble for the remote before I go deaf. Do you know why they do that though? Because you're not concentrating. No it's because most people when they are there to come on go to the kitchen and they want it to be able to shout you to the kitchen. Oh clever. So you're having a cup of tea going fuck I do want a Volvo. Have you ever watched The Dark Knight? Yeah. Everyone's talking really normally and then Batman blows an entire city up and you've got to turn up to hear the voices and then your telly falls off the wall. Michael Caine's doing his little quiet voice like I don't think you should be

trying to kill the Joker and it's like B I don't think it should be trying to kill the Joker. And he's like, bow! That's what I... It's insane. Al Pacino rocks up. LAUGHTER Oh! What are you doing in this film? Amazing advice for Batman, isn't it? I think he's misjudged.

LAUGHTER Have a cup of tea with him. No, but that's basically what Alfred's message is in The Dark Knight. Every decision is a bit... You don't understand. Some men Alfred's messages in the Dark Knight. Maybe this is a bit of a... You don't understand. Some men just want to watch the world burn. Yeah, you can't beat him. He's just a fucking lunatic.

I can't even fucking shoot that! He's lunatic! He's a fucking... He's just gonna set everything on fire. I haven't seen a Batman since Falcomber. Oh, I think. Is he dead? Yes. I don't hate tombstone.

I'm not asked about his Batman. I love Val Top Gun. Yeah. He was good in Top Gun. That's not Batman to me. That'd be a good hipster name if you had a kid Val. Like Val. Valery.

No. For a boy. For a boy. Yeah if you had a kid, Val. Like Val. Valery. No. For a boy. For a boy. Yeah, I know a man called Valentine. All right, cool. Yeah. Yeah. Sending his uncle.

Uncle Val. But he gets called Val, yeah. Sounds cool. I've got a mate called Vaz and every time I put comp tickets on a comedy show forum, I put them under the name Valery Bitchstits. Oh yeah. He has to say it every time.

But I spell it B-I-S-H-D-I-T-S. So he has to say Valerie Bitchtits. Is that the Vaz I know? Yeah. There's only one. Oh, I was thinking the other Vaz. Ricardo Vazte. Uncle Vaz.

One more. Nathan Bryan says, executive order, all cakes must be short enough to bite. I'm tired of having full bites of dry cake and no icing because the cake is too big or getting cupcake frosting on your nose when you try to bite the whole thing. Double layered cakes are the real problem when they're too big. Biting into a Victoria sponge to just get cake and jam,

but no cream. And that's from Nathan Bryan, who really gives a fuck about cakes. I've never ever hoped I never meet a listener more than that, man. What angle is he biting this cake from? The bottom? He's saying he can't get his, like, you know, a double layered cakes like that. You can't get his whole mouth around it. But that what you're saying? He can't get his whole mouth around it. So he doesn't, but like you just have, you have a nibble at the bottom and then you do the top. Oh no, just go from the side. If you get a slice of cake,

very few people just grab the whole thing and jam it in. Gee, with a fork, Nathan, you fucking lunatic. Well, now I don't feel so stupid for saying we should get free Botox. So thank you, listener. Thank you, Nathan. Well done, Nathan. Fucking borderless.

You made a good argument for the, like the confidence thing. Oh, I'm confident now. It's mental health. It's mental health. Like when you go see a therapist and you're like, I hate my body. They're like, let's make you love it. Well, maybe some people shouldn't love their body and they should change it. It's been a very progressive episode.

What did you do to change yours? Cause you said you weren't happy with your body. I had tummy tuck boobs, boob left and liposuction. You got new boobs, then lifted them. I got them lifted at the same time. I lifted at new boobs. Fun fact, I'm in a class action lawsuit with that doctor. That's been going on for six years.

Oh, so was his wife. Really? Yeah. Are you waiting for a boo payout? Well, I don't know what the payout is going to be. It's just been this long six years. He had hidden cameras. Oh, what? Yeah. It's just been this long six years. He had hidden cameras. What?

Hidden cameras all through the practice that were recording us like audio and video. Oh, this is a different class action lawsuit. I know that's fucking horrible. No, he's fighting it. So it's been going on for like six years, this class action lawsuit. That's one of those crimes that's horrible,

disgusting breach of privacy and I get it. You know what I mean? Like I'm not, it's bad, but like you can see why he's done it because he wants to look at boobies. No, his claim to fame, and you were never allowed to do this in the UK and you can't do it in North America anymore.

He got really famous because he would live stream his cosmetic surgeries to social media. He was the first doctor in North America who did that. So he got a really big following and became like the celebrity guy. Now you could have the surgery and say, don't film me. But the lawsuit started because some women ended up having photos of their bare tits on his like Snapchat or whatever when they didn't get permission.

Now that like photos of me didn't get posted or anything, which hurts a bit. But when they went in to investigate that, they discovered that he had cameras everywhere, like hidden. And his thing was my staff was stealing and I was trying to catch them like but you can't do that in a medical setting they have insurance, right? Yeah. For this stuff. So that's the hope and the dream, but yeah, it's been going on for a really long time. Is it that surely a crime? Yeah. I don't think that you can sell through insurance. It's essentially it'll come under like revenge porn. Yeah. Laws probably gives insurance to cover that. Yeah. I think he'd be streaming channel though. You don't want to get that on the wrong day. Do you? You think you're tuning in for the teacher when someone's getting a new asshole? Bend it into that.

Yeah, but like what if it's like a big fucking, what if it's Alex Vegas and getting a new asshole one time finish with him. But I felt bad cause some of these women were like so impacted. They were writing these statements like, I don't trust medical professionals anymore. I can't be, and I'm like, are we getting money?

Like what? I could get my tits bigger. Like I, yeah, I don't process things properly, but yeah, that's been going on for a long time. Thanks Michelle. Thanks for coming in today. Uh, we can find you at michelleisfunny.com. Yeah.

Oh, I have a gift for you. Oh, what have you got? A little gift. So this is part of my tour, which is on tour. Oh, watch the cactus. There's a cactus there. Cacti. So I quick, I'll be really quick.

Don't worry. So I, when I was poor, I decided that I was going to sell my panties online and make a lot of money. Oh, cool. And I was really excited about it. So I bought a lot of, I bought a lot of panties

and then I didn't sell one single pair. So I had like hundreds and hundreds of panties. So I made them into little mementos that everyone on my show- Finn said that he won. Can't remember me by. So I brought some for you guys. Are they, they're not worn?

No, I can go to the bathroom if you guys want them worn. You're like Tom Jones. There you go. Oh, I'm such a, one more. Terrible. That would be really funny. Don't have that look of disgust on your face when you touch my panties.

I'm just wondering whether you've had the one night stand and then put these on afterwards. And it says, thanks for coming. And then your Instagram below. The best was I gave them away at Fringe, everyone that came to the show. And then some people would come to the show and they'd be like, I saw your panties on the street

at 3 a.m. so I Googled it and I found your show. So I'm like, okay. Why didn't you spell it with a U? Trying to be a little, you know, I don't want to. That is great marketing. Thank you. They've been pretty popular. Yeah, I'm going to do it for my tour. I'd like to see Jamie's tour.

Oh, God. It's been a great episode. Thank you to Sugar Baby Shelly Shaughnessy. Coffee table. Really nice. Sugar Baby Shelly Shaughnessy, by the way. That's a great episode. Thank you to Sugar Baby Shelly Seanacy. Coffee table. Really nice. Sugar Baby Shelly Seanacy, by the way, needs the big mug. That's a good one. Absolutely beautiful.

Beautiful. We've got a tune this week. This is from a new band called K-Estate. I reckon you'd like this one, Dan. It's a bit of like indie dance. All right, nice. It's called Are You Feeling Alive? Thanks for watching, thanks for listening.

Adam's got some shows on. adamrodeco.uk, just added loads, full list on my Instagram and on my website. Oh yes, Sunday the 21st of June, me and Carl Donnelly doing an extended set each at Teddy's 7pm, tickets are a tenner, the link is in the description. Bye, Fizzy. ["Are You Feeling Alive?" by The Bachelorette plays.] As it peers through the rainfall I could see all my problems drift away And I smiled as the rain's cold The mileage may call, I'll see you later The sky's too busy doing all of us a favor I've found a love for the brightest beams of day Brightest beams today Now all my neighbors can see The light Hello shakers open up

Your eyes So are you feeling alive? Breaking you goodbye with the birds outside You wanna go for a ride Are you feeling alive now, are you feeling alive? Feel the sun in your eyes, change your state of mind Find your paradise, are you feeling alive now that you've lived? Are you feeling alive now that you've been alive?

I think I'll sleep a few extra weeks tonight Cause when I'm somewhere down here in living I'm feeling alright I'm feeling alright So don't you ever say I don't No, it's open arms when you get home I'll tell you it's alright, baby Right where the turn of the tide Reckon you could fight with the bills outside You wanna go for a ride

Are you feeling alive now with you? Are you feeling alive now? Are you feeling alive? Can the sun give you rise? Change your state of mind? Find your paradise Are you feeling alive now with you? Are you feeling alive now that you've lived? Are you feeling alive? Are you feeling alive?

Are you feeling alive? Are you feeling alive? Are you feeling alive?