Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #34 Shutdown Pod (VIA ZOOM) -w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: April 16, 2020

Thanks to our sponsors Beer52.com, TransAlloy Wheels LTD and Vauxhall Comedy Club, follow us @haveawordpod and find us on YouTube. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening guys, it's Adam here. Just a quick word from our sponsors before we kick off today's episode. That is Beer52.com Beer52 is the UK's most popular craft beer discovery club. They're number one, baby! And they'll send you some amazing beers every month and you can rate and review them via their website to earn points and rewards. Now, every month's beers that you get sent will have a brand new theme.

Past themes have been the beers of Germany, California, Belgium, Korea, New Zealand, South Africa, and many, many more. And they've kindly given our listeners an exclusive offer. You'll get a free case of eight beers, an award-winning beer magazine, and a tasty snack the second you sign up. They'll send them out in the post here. And you can't catch Corona from the post. All you have to do is pay a few quid for the delivery,

and you can cancel or pause your membership at any time sign up now at beer52.com slash word that's our exclusive link that's b-e-e-r-5-2.com slash w-o-r-d you'll claim your free case of beer and for every person that signs up via that link only they slide us a little bit of money that supports the podcast it helps us out it's win-win so do us a favor pause the pod yeah go and do that now And then enjoy the episode Nice one See you in a bit Fucking did it in one take bro Yeah man

Pokey gokey Picking a pokey Good morning job seekers Oh my god Okay it's happening Catch me outside How about that Have you never seen me before

Upset me Nasty bitch I'm big boned I'm heavy structured I'm hung low If I pull my shit out This whole room get dark Disgusting It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel like podcasting. Two mics, two lids, and a lot of time on their hands. This is Have a Word, Shut Down Dailies. Let's get through this mess together.

Hi, lad. Hi there, lad. Oh, shit. I've still got you on the world clock. Where's your lovely fucking face, lad. All right there, lad. Oh, shit. I've still got you on the world clock. Where's your lovely fucking face, lad? Oh! I found my favourite hat again. Don't know whether you've noticed this,

but I've started wearing a slightly different hat with a Canada flag on. Bought this in Dubai. I love it. Lost it. Guess where it was? It was under the couch. Right. How's it fucking fucking it's a weird

place for a hat to get to in it yeah we're messy people dan to be honest yeah it's good good feeling when you find shit though in it i love that feeling i love part of the reason i love cleaning my wife's car just to steal from her i'm like this matt my fucking check no i don't just like state take the wheel fucking hell you've, I don't just like take the wheel. Fucking hell. You've left a perfectly good fucking handbrake there. Am I with that? I just get fucking rummaging. Whoa, like a little fucking.

You know, if Jade wanted to, if Jade was a bad person, she could steal so much of my money. First of all, on her phone, on her Apple Pay is my bank card. So when she goes shopping she can just use my money for that and I leave so many like fivers and tenors

just in jackets and stuff when I get back from a gig and I'll just throw do you know what I found last week this is the god's honest truth last

the end of last year I think it was October might have been November but I think it was October I did a weekend at the Laughter Lounge in Dublin have you ever been there?

I'd love to, I'd fucking love to never done it have you never done it? No it's so good but they pay you in cash in Euros for three nights so you get €250 each night, they also pay for your flight and you get to stay in their little flat that they own

which is lovely, in the middle of Dublin right next to the river, just across from what's the bar? What's it called? What's the strip of pubs called? Oh, Jesus. Here's 250 euro. What the fuck are you going to do with that?

I wonder. They don't give you it each night. They give you it all on the Saturday. So you get 750 euros cash on the Saturday night, right? I found €750 yesterday because I came home, threw it in a drawer in the living room. There's just been €750 just sitting in me drawers.

Oh, my God. Oh, that is a lockdown. Oh, I just jizz on the fucking side of drawers oh can you imagine if i got about imagine if she'd fucking nick that jade what where have you got all these euros from can we pay the chippy in euros that i mean that beats anyone i found this that i've forgotten about fucking story unless you like lost and misplaced a child for like three months like yeah fuck we've lost that one and then they come back like you're right daddy you're like oh shit yeah wicked i think it was sting

wasn't it someone robbed three million quid off sting and he didn't know i it was like a year later when he did his his taxes or whatever and his accountant went what's that 3 million quid for that you took out on the 9th of January last year and he was like I didn't take 3 million quid out, someone took 3 million quid out of his bank and he never knew until someone pointed it out

I know rich people live on a different fucking frequency but how rich do you have to be that your bank account is like oh yeah Sting took out 3 million on Thursday no biggie live on a different fucking frequency. But how rich do you have to be that your bank account's like, oh yeah, Sting took out three million on Thursday. No biggie. He needs a bit of walking around money. Mate, my bank, if I try and use it like one country over,

it's like, dickhead, are you there? Are you there, mate? Just answer yes. NatWest shit it. If I try and spend 500 quid on PayPal, they're like, mate, is this you? Just check in, this is is you for fuck's sake someone's actually trying to spend some cash

Sting's like yeah 3 million just went what are you going to do innit it's just a fucking busy week I've been I banked on cancel for a week when I've got a brace at the minute like an Invisalign brace to try and fix my teeth because I've always

hated them and it was a couple of grand to get it done. You've changed, you kid. You've changed. 750 euros in a draw. New teeth. Fucking Hamilton twice a week. Things are going alright at Casa del fucking Ro, mate.

He's fucking found a new app and he's bought 27 more. He's fucking ball a new app and he's bought 27 more he's fucking balling I did that advert for Nationwide didn't I oh I saw you on that the other night you're the only person that's made I don't know if it's because I actually like you

but everyone else I'm like and you're like your stand up on that Nationwide advert is 1 tenth as good as it is live everyone else is it's just flat out not funny I've just not seen Your stand-up on that nationwide advert is one-tenth as good as it is live. Everyone else's is just flat-out not funny. I've just not seen... Oh, no! No, Eshan's on it.

Eshan made me laugh. Is he? No, Eshan's not on it. That's Sunil Patel. Yeah, the other Asian guy. Oh, jeez. Oh, this is the video oh

I've just pissed off so how do you manage it's called name that Asian I mean that fucked off so many comics in the industry all in one like hey if you were involved in that advert I thought you were shit and that Asian guy he was alright

oh that's not the guy I know oh fuck in that advert, I thought you were a shit. And that Asian guy, he was alright. Oh, that's not the guy I know. Oh, fuck. Oh, yeah, yeah. Dubai, tell me... Sorry, when I got the money for that advert, I said to Jade, I want to spend a bit of it on getting me teeth sorted. And I paid for it on me card.

And then I went to the Asda and that, and for a few days, me card just wasn't working. And I rang the bank, and I was like, what's going on? There's money in the bank, like, what's going on? They went, the thing is, for a few days, my car just wasn't working. And I rang the bank and I was like, what's going on? There's money in the bank. Like, what's going on? They went, the thing is, Mr. Rowe, you've tried to pay for a couple of thousand pounds in one go to a dentist.

It's the biggest transaction you've ever made for anything. And also, you've never paid a dentist anything. So we found you suspicious. There's an algorithm here at Lloyd's TSB and you've never even bought Colgate, so this is suspicious activity. You bought a car for 450 quid. Why the fuck would you buy teeth for two grand?

Yeah, that's always depressing, isn't it? What was Dubai like? When were you in fucking old Dobby Dubai? I've been to Dubai twice. I went in 2018 or 19 maybe in May. And then I went last year in November. I'm not a fan of it, mate. I'd never go there on holiday.

I'd never go Dubai on holiday ever. I'd never pay to go. It's just weird. It's like they've gone to New York and gone, let's put this in the desert over there and then made it worse. It's just, it's really, really, really odd. It's cheap as fucking a taxi though.

Give them that. The taxis are cheap. It's so weird though when you go from outside to inside like i think we went and it gets and it gets colder we went in like february or march like it was a shitty as we left the uk i went to do like three gigs two even two gigs we're out there for about five days we'll treat you right you know we'll sort you out it's a lovely four-star hotel like a four-star hotel in dubai is like a seven-star hotel in the uk because because it's a shit hole really isn't it it's basically a polished fucking sunbathing turd

so all the hotels even like the travel lodge is fucking amazing super king size there's a guy wanking you off at the end of the massive bath if you want like it has to be nice because no one's in dubai because they're like, oh, we love Dubai. We've been coming here since childhood. It's all about oil deals and fucking everyone from around the world getting stopovers. It's just a bit grim.

And I told you this, when we first arrived, the first time I went, the first thing Gail, who I love, Gail who runs the gig, she's fucking mental, but I love her.

The first thing she said to us, unprovoked the conversation was not in this area at all she went just so you know this is actually the safest place in the world for terrorism because all their money's here because you're actually we're not gonna get bombed here babe because why would they do that to their own hotel yeah they own a part of this they're not gonna fucking bomb it it's nothing to do with politics it's just good business yeah we got there and it was just so hot so fucking surprising and everyone's like oh it's hot in the desert you're like yeah i bet it is and then you get there and

you're like what the fuck is this you go like, a cool freezing inside to outside that's sweltering, and it takes your little stupid, like, northern British head like, eh? I've just, eh? I've gone from cold inside to fucking warm out. It was just mental. And the building next to it was like the Emirates. Is it Emirates Dubai?

Yeah, it is, isn't it? The Emirates HQ. And they'd built it in the shape of an airplane which is so spazzy you saw it goes full circle of like completely classless cheesy as fuck to like actually that's pretty fucking cool in it yeah that's the the ceo just sits there he's in the pilot seat of the fucking building. Oh. The guy that ran it as well was such a douchebag.

He got in a taxi in Dubai and the music was playing. He went, all right, mate, turn off the fucking call to prayer. It's like, woo! Woo! That is weird. You don't get to see racism that up close that often, but woo! It made my fucking eyes water. Carey Marks. I mean,

I got in trouble when I did the radio out there, but Carey Marks got in a lot of trouble. Because when he went on the radio, he said, I love that you play the number one song in your charts, like, eight times a day. And the guy on the radio was like, what do you mean, sir? I was like, that song that you play eight times a day, isn't that?

Aren't you playing this week's number one? Is that not what that is? And along you go. Yep, you nailed it. I think that's the call to dinner, Adam, that you just did. That's not the call to prayer. I think that's the call to... Oh, st are ready.

Fucking hell, they eat a lot on a Friday, this lot, don't they? They eat shitloads on a Friday. First thing, they're having fucking starters. I got in trouble because I got told, right, look, we haven't been allowed on this radio since Kerry Marks was here and he did this thing. Challenge accepted. They went, basically, it's children's TV rules. No swearing, no profanity at all.

Just plug the gigs. That's all we want you to do. And don't criticise the Prophet Muhammad. It's just like CBBs. It's the same rules. If you go and do Mr. Tumble, they always say that. No swearing, nothing political.

Don't criticize the Prophet Muhammad. And go. Well, within like 10 seconds, I'd broken the rules, but I didn't realize because it was just kind of realism to me. So we start and the guy goes, Adam, welcome to Dubai radio or whatever.

I went, oh, thanks for having us, mate. And he went, how are you finding Dubai? And I went, Jesus Christ, it's odd, isn't it? You can't say Jesus Christ on the radio. Oh, God. Literally nothing I think I said Jesus Christ I watched them all

including Gail panic like what the fuck she's doing I thought I thought I was behaving It is always the worst

isn't it Fuck me mate it's bacon out there it is fucking hot lad it is swell me tits are sweating that's what I'd have done

I thought I was toning it down jesus christ it's fucking ridiculous you're like jesus like oh my god no no no no not the prophet jesus oh shit oh that's so bad it's so as soon as the pressure's up this is why i love podcasting because there's just no one going and the rules of podcasting are like kiss my flaps like occasionally you get an email going what have you got against pigeons what and i've had i've had two messages from friends going i absolutely love the podcast and my missus loves it and she doesn't even mind the wanking stuff and she doesn't even mind the wanking stuff.

We don't talk about wanking that much, do we? Yes, we do. We don't. But as soon as you know you can't do something, you're just, you're like, it's so bad. It's just the red button syndrome, isn't it? Of like, don't press that. You're like...

What's it do though? Just don't press it. Comedy nights where they're like, right, there's a paraplegic in the front row so don't say paraplegic or anything a disablist or just don't don't walk on and say all right spazzes and then you're literally just like waiting to go like god i wish you'd not fucking tell me that oh oh god yeah i did you get that if you're like comparing a gig and there's a guy, like, proper Stephen Hawking up on the front row, do you, like, do you avoid them completely?

I've tried all of the different fucking tactics, and I think, in honesty, you could easily be like, you always talk to them, always talk to them, but if the crowd are touchy as fuck, then you're really going to die on that island going, no, listen, just because he's disabled doesn't mean he's not a dick. I fucking said it before. I'll say it again.

He's a wanker. You're going to lose the room. And then promoters and club owners, even the ones that are the biggest fans, they love comedy. But what they loved before that is everyone in the room loving the comedy and then they state a preference

promoters promoters no put a gig on none of them stand in the back going everyone hates this I'm definitely losing money

but I fucking love this night like they want everyone laughing no one complaining and then they go and these are my favourites so it's very difficult

to be like listen I just cheat everyone equally it's equality he's a spaz I don't give a fuck if he's it listen if just because you've got no limbs doesn't mean you're not a wanker i mean technique and mind but uh i've also i think it's almost weirdly bigoted to just ignore them completely because then you're like oh yeah there is a you've just got to judge the position the situation in the room but i've got it i've got it so wrong before there was a guy called shabazz

you used to come to excess market a guy called shabazz and he was this um he was probably i was about 24 25 at the time and he was in a really motorized... He was proper disabled. Couldn't even push himself disabled. And he fucking loved comics. Sharp as a tack. That was the... That wasn't him. That was the... Pray for Mojo.

He had the Stephen Hawking thing. Where he's all there, but it just doesn't look good. And he... LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER It's true, though, isn't it? Everything's fine on the inside, but the cake's been dropped.

Mr and Mrs Roberts, could you come and sit down? I want to talk to you about your dad. So, as you know, he's been deteriorating and he now can't talk himself. I just want to let you know, he is all there. He just doesn't look good. What's it

called? It's that thing Stephen Hawkins has got. That's what I've got on my official medical checklist. He's got that thing Stephen Hawkins has got and he's all there, but it doesn't look good. And he loved comedy and he's all there, but it doesn't look good. And he loved comedy. And he used to...

He must have been there like two or three times. I used to be the replacement compare sometimes. And when he laughed, it sounded like a mating coil of a seal. Like a... And it was so full on because he didn't give a shit, he was like, I can give a fuck, I love comedy, and so he'd laugh like that, and you'd be like, wow, someone really loves it, and then it would get to the point where the audience were like, what's happening, then they'd look and see a heavily disabled guy behind them, and then they'd do that fucking thing that people

do, and they're like, oh, I don't think i can laugh at this anymore because i'm being disabled you're like he's having a fucking great time and then he'd heckle and you'd have to try and work out what and he and he was sharp man and he was really funny and in the end i went oh stop being a twat like because he was he's and everyone went oh like you can't say that and i was like yeah but he knows you don't. He knows what he's doing. He's fucking the day though. I said on this podcast, disabled people can be wankers. And you went all reserved and pulled back

and you had a fucking story like this and you didn't whip it out. Are you taking the fucking piss? I forgot Shabazz the spaz. I forgot. I forgot the story. It's just come back to me in this moment. You know who got the most pissed off and I ended up

doing this thing about like mate he was giving me shit so I started giving it like you would wouldn't it and I think I was being quite fair at one point I essentially said mate you could never do a drive by in that fucking wheelchair because they'd hear you coming a mile away never get involved in gang activity because you'd be rolling up on some

homies and they'd be like and that was too much for everyone. And I got a complaint from the person that was with him. He fucking loved it. He rolled his way over to, you know, give me the nod of approval. But his friend care was awful. People get offended on other people's behalf.

That's the problem. I remember about seven or eight years ago, Hot Water was, it might've been or eight years ago, Hot Water was, it might have been nine years ago, actually. Hot Water was still in the nightclub envy and they booked Paul Smith for the first time to headline, right? So it's like a big deal at the time.

Paul's headline in his first gig is not comparing anymore. He's on stage and he used to do this joke, right? Where he, it was about going to a personal trainer and for the last 10 minutes of it, he would run on the spot while he told the joke, right? It was a really physical bit and it was a killer bit.

It was, it would murder. You couldn't follow it. It was so fucking good. And what, like a funny bit anyway, but he just decided instinctively, funnier if I actually act out me struggling to run. Yeah, I love it. So basically, he just acted out being a fat guy

at the first personal training session, right? So the sweatier and out of breath he got, the more it added to it, just a physical layer to the joke. But early in his set, there was a guy on the second row who's just looking off to the side and just looks like he's fallen asleep. And Paul was like, look at this cunt. He is not even fucking looking at me.

How much have you had to drink, lad? And up until that point, he was doing quite well. And the fellow went, I'm sorry, mate. Are you talking to me? I'm blind. Now the audience goes fucking stone dead. this is 10 years ago nearly paul didn't really have the skills at that point that he's got now to turn that shit around so he just went oh i'm sorry mace i just thought you were looking over there anyway my missus i just tried

to carry on with his set and the audience i now haven fucking none of it. Then he goes into this personal trainer routine where he's running which every time I'd seen it up to this point, there's so much energy in the room. People are dying laughing. Can't breathe. That level of laugh where the asthmatic laughs.

There's fucking nothing. It's so bad when your best bit doesn't work. You're like, oh shit, this is the big gun. Also, when you're sprinting on stage at the same time, he's just running and all you can hear is his footsteps. That's it.

And he gets about two or three minutes into it and he's getting close to giving up. And the blind guy, three minutes left of the gig, saves everything. And he went, I'm not being funny, mate, but it sounds like three minutes left of the gig, saved everything. He went, I'm not being funny, mate, but it sounds like this could do with an audio description. The room fucking erupted.

And then Paul carried on and started getting laughs again. Because as soon as that guy was like, I'm in on the joke, it sounds. It was, watching Paul die doing that joke is one of my favourite memories in comedy. I love that few seconds where the crowd decide

that they're going to en masse be lemmings and turn to the person who they think might be offended. Blind guy, person from an ethnic minority, and you're like, you little fucking wusses. And they're like, oh, they're laughing, it's fine, he's part of it, that's absolutely fine. Like when i asked a guy in yorkshire fuck where was the gig just outside leeds a gig for toby jones and i was just looking for a fucking cheerleader to start the applause i've been chatting to this guy and i thought he had his arm around his missus i went i tell you what malcolm you seem like a solid kind of character i thought i'll let you to be the

cheerleader and start the night and he went um no i don't think so i went what why tell you what, Malcolm, you seem like a solid kind of character. I thought I'd let you to be the cheerleader and start the night. And he went, no, I don't think so. I went, what? Why are you being a dick about it? That's not, you've been sound up until now. Why are you being a dick about it? And he just lifted his fucking stump. And it was one of them.

Oh, it was just so brutal. It was so brutal. The crowd was just so brutal it was so brutal the crowd was so sound about it they just enjoyed and then and then i was like oh what you've got to make it about you've got to make the joke about you and be like i'm such a dick and they were like you are the fucking dick and i went do you want to be anyway what do you want to bang it on and he was like yeah don't worry about it i'll just go for the thigh so he was the cheerleader and I made him do it off the thigh it was fucking brilliant when it goes wrong that shit's horrible

but when a crowd gets it it's so funny that's why that's why we love live stand up innit yeah if you are heavily disabled you probably need a car

to get yourself around and if you've got a car and you want it serviced you should take it to Trans Alloy Wheels away from our sponsors I'd like to take it to Trans Alloy Wheels, away from our sponsors. I'd like to tell you about Trans Alloy Wheels Limited. Alloy wheel refurbishments, car body work and customisation services in Leeds and throughout West Yorkshire. We are a well-trusted

family-run business doing work for major companies such as Arnold Clark and Direct Line. We are passionate about our work. We thrive on perfection. This is a quote from a happy customer. Trans Alloy Wheels, and I'm deadly serious when I say it, it's the best finish I've ever seen on a set of wheels. Their attention to detail is commendable. We add value to your car at low cost with specialist trained technicians and the latest tech and experience. Using the same factory manufacturing techniques as the biggest car companies,

we can repair the wheels as new finish. If you can't afford a new car because of the owner come and have your wheels color changed or refurbed all have a word listeners will receive 25 off everything we do and what we offer is powder coating diamond cutting painting new tires acid stripping and shot blasting tire fitting and removal well cracked repairs and buckles car body repairs pickup delivery service and insurance work. We've got a 4.7 on the old Google review. We've got five star Facebook reviews. Find us on Facebook, Insta or online. That is Trans Alloy Wheels Limited. Thank you. Okay, boys, let's do another

feature already. Got some questions for you, Adam. Some questions. All right, lids, a really quick bit of business for you. I can't be the only one wondering, does your African voiceover lady listen to the pod? And if so, what the fuck does she make of it? Cheers. That's from Mike Follows. I haven't got a fucking clue. I know.

I don't think she does listen to it. I've not checked the downloads in Zimbabwe, but if we've got one there is a chance that it's the woman who has repeatedly been asked to record okay lids yeah i mean she definitely knows what it's called yeah she won't she won't swear she told me in an email she won't she doesn't curse so all right okay that's why i've not had her go hello motherfuckers what you know i don't i if anyone's got any suggestions for what they'd like the african lady i'm all in i'm all ears because i feel like it's doing like a sophie anderson quote

it's not going to happen like i'm a dick fuck so i fucking can't take any fucking more yeah she's not gonna the african voiceover lady's not going to do that. No, I don't know if she's going to do. But we'll ask her. If you've got any suggestions, if you've got any suggestions for our African voiceover lady, I can put them to her. From Harry Robinson.

Hi, Adam and Dave. Stand-up's always been a passion of mine and I did a small gig at a student comedy night not long ago. The gig went well, in spite of me getting shit-faced out of nerves beforehand. Oh, Jesus.

Oh, Jesus. It's always a mistake, isn't it? Always a mistake. Easy mistake to make. Well, I've... Did you, when you were starting out no I didn't need it for confidence

I did get sent home from hot water at one night though for being too drunk were you on the bill yeah so I was

this was maybe 2013 maybe 14 and Liverpool played Everton and a midday kickoff so I'd been drinking

since like half 11 in the morning and at 8 o'clock I turned up at hot water fairly drunk and Binti went to me Adam look at the fucking Stacia you can't do the gig and I went I'll be fine and he went okay make it a deal

if you can do one of your routines to me now right in front of me then i'll let you do the gig and i went and this is a direct quote oh you know the one about the girls on the bus and he went yeah go home it's you know as well it sounds like he's being a dick but actually he's doing you a fucking favor yeah it's very different if you're when you're starting out the inclination is like oh i'm nervous i know how i'll fight these nerves you can't you're cheating yourself because you're actually fucking with your memory and your ability to recall and when you get if anyone's thinking about trying stand up this is what i say it beat the frog and i have done for years and it's something that i remember

from when i did a little bit of acting when i was a teenager at like fucking youth drama groups they were like don't get nervous and think you're gonna have a bevy because you think it's going to take the edge off and stop you being scared and all it does is take away a bit of fear but it also fucks your ability to remember what you're trying to say. And that is the worst hole you can get in on stage. And that can happen anyway when the lights are on or if someone... I remember starting out getting distracted by someone laughing at a bit. I was like, oh!

In your head, you're like, fucking hell, that is funny! And then all of a sudden, you're distracted. So imagine having four or five beers in you. It's a really bad way to go. When you're a bit more experienced, though, and it becomes a bit more like second nature yeah i don't think being drunk on stage is a good thing but having a beer when you're comparing when you're there at the start of the night and by the end you're almost in sync with a crowd that's not so bad i wouldn't rely on it i i have had a few days where, so when you do the Hot Water Comedy Club

Saturdays, for those who don't know, you tend to start at 5pm and you do two shows at 5, two shows at 7 and two shows at 9.30. They're the start times, your set times are obviously slightly different for each one. I'll

often have a pint on those days and I'll start at the first gig. I'll have like a pint at those days and I'll start at the first gig I'll have like a pint at the 5 o'clock show, maybe one in between the first two shows, another one at the 7 show and another one at the 9.30 because I'm just like, to get through a long day of sets like that, it's better if I'm in

a bit of a jovial bevy mood. 4 or 5 sets in a night by the end feels like you've done shift work, it feels like a fucking split shift at like a busy restaurant i remember doing those shitty jobs when i was like 19 going fuck this is hard even though stand-up is intrinsically fun by the end of the fifth set you're like what it is it is good if you can take if you can make it a little bit fun keep a little bit of the fun in the night for yourself if everyone in the green room is having a

beer it means that when you come off stage you're having fun and you're just breaking that up by just going to do your job for 20 minutes at a time that's where i feel for paul smith who obviously he's doing brilliantly and he doesn't need my sympathy but i've actually said it to him in the dressing room like he's there every friday and sat, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and there's some big names, big characters, circuit-wise. He gets a lot of big fucking personalities in that small dressing room, and it's basically his manner in it. He's always there,

and there's a lot of repetition for him. And then he has to hear every comic go, fucking hell, there's loads of shows in there. God, it's a long night in it and then also i was like who's when's it been eggy and he told me a couple of names that they weren't just they just weren't getting on and on a normal night they wouldn't have to deal with each other much but because it's hot water and it starts at five and it finishes at one in the morning they have to deal with each other loads so you know what you're talking about people having a

beer and it'd be more fun as everyone relaxes into it if there's two cunts that don't like each other than the night they're bugging each other at five six seven eight p.m nine p.m he was like yeah man by the end it was fucking tense yeah so tell me off tell me off air who they were please yeah just two two no no it's always the old dudes that really wind each other up I'm just joking it's just always the old dudes don't get fucking drunk when you're starting out in stand up

you just fucking concentrate on getting the set out so he had a beer before him but my best reaction had a section of the audience really laughing this is Harry's gig Harry did this gig had a beer before him but my best reaction had a section of the audience really laughing this is this is harry's gig they did yeah harry did this gig had a beer beforehand wasn't wasted um oh yeah he said got bit shit-faced out of nerves beforehand but he had a bit where he got his best reaction from a section of the audience and they were really laughing so part of the crowd were really

laughing and the rest of the audience were letting out audible moans of discomfort um he says it was a long bit but one of the jokes uh in it used the word hymen as a punch line so yeah stuart lee-esque um it's not big uh and it's not clever but my mum was proud let's don't know i think he's trying to do shtick so he, I wanted to know if there's ever been any jokes or bits of stand-up or gigs that you've done where you've got a huge reaction that wasn't necessarily a laugh. He's asked if basically any time we've done stand-up, we've got a massive reaction from the crowd, but not necessarily laughter and whatnot.

I think if you're constantly doing jokes that just get a groan or a, and that's not comedy. You just, it's shock factor discussed sentences. There's no word for it. There's one bit in my set or a bit that I do sporadically about what a wank is like on a hangover and how you deal with that. And there's a bit where I talk about just coming on your belly and rubbing it

in. Yeah. Right. Now that will sometimes get it, but there's a laugh so close either side of it. I make a joke just before I say it, that gets a decent laugh. Then I get that,

but then I move straight back onto a laugh as quick as I can. Cause I don't, I think just getting it, I don't really class just getting a i don't really class that as comedy yeah i mean also we like playing with the the the boundaries of you're trying to elicit a response emotionally this is where i'm not i'm not wanky about stand-up it is an art form but it's like one up from juggling but it there is a skill in the greatest of stand-up it makes it evokes amazing like memories

and emotions in people that listen to these stories even though they're often about the comedian you can get a response that people like i remember watching peter k for the first time and him going oh i used to do this and we used to sell like rose petal perfume on the street that was amazing that was like a memory i hadn't thought of for 13 years and peter k's autistic incredible memory like a it's almost like a comedy of like uh nostalgia he'd managed to pull out of my head a fucking memory that i'd completely forgotten about it got lost in the hard drive stand-up can be absolutely amazing for that it can be so like There's so much going on It doesn't have to just be

Like joke, joke, pun, joke It can also be a sad story That's got meaning That's also really funny Because it's sad It can be like Like I don't know Not offensive but

It can be gross And that can be funny It can be like Self-deprecating It can be There's so many gears in stand-up so getting a moan or getting it oh no or getting people disagree with you that's bill burr's great skill isn't it he fucking annoys people to then convince them and then make them laugh while he's

convincing them so yeah getting a reaction's fine as long as like adam says it's got laughs around it otherwise it's just a fucking ted talk in it yeah yeah a disgusting ted talk have you ever really and then you move from four fingers to a fist there's a there's a stand-up in the west midlands who's one of my least favorite comics seems like a nice bloke he's my he's probably going about six seven eight years and i have closed over him a gig that wasn't a great gig and he is just filth now you watch a guy like mike wilmot who circuit wise you might not have heard of if you've not watched a load of circuit comedy but to all the comics out there he's a bit of a big bear legend isn't he mike wilmots a canadian guy just watch some of his stuff he's fucking

he's a dirty old bastard he makes adams jizzing on his own belly and rub it in look like fucking kindergarten stuff and it's such a skill in being filthy and dirty and still being hilarious but just being gross for the sake of it it's just i just do not enjoy that and this guy in the west midlands every time i watch him he's just horrible he's just like one of them spanners at school he'd be like do you want to see me like spit on the ground and then suck it up i don't give a fuck like it's just a kind of weirdo that would do anything if you dared him and i just i find that unfunny really unfunny that just gross stuff for the sake of it i want you to tell me who that is not on this but i'm gonna text you right now who's that west midlands comma so as soon as

you're done you'll see it and send me well i'll tell you right now who is it oh you text me back he's fucking gross he really reminds me of like the lad at school that if you whip together and gave him a quid he'd try and wank off a dog or something he was that horrible cunt you know like I'll do anything just for attention

say what you want about that but you know it can be quite profitable actually so I've just ruined the end of Adam's next Edinburgh show fucking nice one Dan no one's done the big dog wank before no one's ever wanked off a dog it's original, it's different

you know have you ever really had a boot off at a gig, have you ever had a crowd fucked off with you like had any big complaints um no adam's just ripped it time for a word from our sponsors no um not like the whole crowd but i've i've pissed people off and they've been like kicked out and at christmas uh the grand central hot, a group of people waited outside to try and kick me the head in.

But I just left via the fire exit. What? So, in December, Hot Water sell that many tickets that they need, not just the comedy club, but they hire external theatres and stuff. There's a place on, I think it's Renshaw Street in Liverpool called Grand Central Hall.

And they ran some gigs there in December of 2019 and one of them I'm on stage and I'm doing this bit and this girl at the back was talking and I could hear her from the back and I was like hey shut the fuck up and just dealt with her and then I was

really because I'd done so many gigs in a day and I just wasn't in the mood for her I just sort of was overly aggressive with it and the audience was so on my side, so there's like 400 people in, they're crying, laughing and this girl's getting more and more angry, right, so then her

fella stands up and I was like, oh you're gonna join in as well now, does she drag you into fights like this all the time you fucking gimp because you've done so many December the time you're fucking gimp because you've done so many december gigs you're like on gig 48 of the month you're also on gig six of the night you're like clicking like you're doing heckle put downs in your sleep like i was on fire though like you know when you just bury someone and it's just over right so then i know there's six security

guards in the room. So they take them out. They get kicked out. She's like, you know, fuck it. I don't even want to see you anyway. We only come to see Paul Smith and he's already been on. So it doesn't fuck up.

I'm not even asked. I'm not even asked. And I was like, go ahead, go home, you fucking daft cunt. Go and suck a deal off so you get 10% off your cocaine, you daft shag. So I was just, and like

the gig's great now. The gig's better because this has happened because the audience and I were all like, we survived the call. So six of them got kicked out. Three girls, proper prinnies, and three lads, and they got kicked out. And then after the show, I still had to go back to the

comedy club to do two more sets so I went to leave and the security guy went you can't go out lads you're going to have to go out to fire exit and I went why he went because all six of them are waiting down there and they're outside we've got them out the building that's all we can legally do and they're saying they're not leaving from outside our building until

one of them gets a one on one scrap with you but I've got a feeling that it's going to be a six on one so I think you should leave via the fire exit. So I just went out the back way and walked to the comedy club. Well, what a fucking ledge bouncer that is, because some dozy cunts will let you walk right into it. I got, and I'm not even, this isn't, it sounds like bullshit. On a very, very smaller scale,

there's a guy called John Pearson has a gig in Melton Mowbray, and it's run at a college, because Melton Mowbray, and it's run at a college, because Melton Mowbray's quite small, it's run in like a college bar area, right in the middle of Melton Mowbray. And they do all sorts of this college, they train future restauranteurs and chefs and whatnot to how to do it,

and they double booked it while the guy that runs it properly was on paternity leave, paternity leave. The woman left in charge was like, oh God, we've double booked, haven't we? We've got comedy. And the trainee chef's night where they do like a restaurant,

people come in and they get massively discounted food. So they were like, oh God, that's awkward. You can't really cancel either. We'll just do it all together on the same night. And I got there to close nick page was fuming because there were 35 people who've just come to eat discounted food cheap twats that they are like yeah we like restaurants but we don't want to pay full pizza express prices we want college kids to make our food and we pay 40 percent right there was about 35 of them.

And there's about 40 people come for the comedy and their regulars. It's a clusterfuck. And the break was an hour and 10 minutes long because the first section was such a disaster. Nick Page just fighting and people going, could you keep it quiet? And like, no, we've come for a meal. We always come here. Like that eggy.

He's had a nightmare. And so they decided, right, fuck, we'll just for a meal we always come here like that eggy he's had a nightmare and so they decided right fuck we'll just have a massive break so all those twats from the restaurant fuck off they're all in the same room the restaurant people are just to the side and one table one table of six three guys three girls went no we're not leaving we always stay and have coffee just to be difficult cunts because someone dared to say could you leave so this can't everyone else had just finished their meal in time but a 70 minute break is like four times longer than a normal break and they sat there and stayed

and just pretended to be having coffees and stuff and they murmured all the way through my set which was great because again there was like a blitz spirit to it. Everyone had been like, oh, we've got over the first section when it was eggy. And now it's fun again. And then finally, with six, seven minutes to go, I was nearly done. They stood up really like ostentatiously. Like, oh, we are leaving now, actually. And I went, oh, are you leaving?

You leaving? And I said, I can't remember exactly what I said to him and one of them laughed as I was leaving. I was like, you see, if you'd have enjoyed, you could have listened and enjoyed it but instead you just sat there ignoring it like boring twats. And I think it was because everyone was looking at them. And they basically waited.

So they were the only restaurant people left. And they are from a world where they've never, just like those people on that night with you, you've called them cunts, basically. And they're from a world where, fuck, no one calls me a cunt. Quite literally. No one.

No one calls them twats. And they went outside. But this is the difference of that night you you're in liverpool city center there's 400 people they've got a proper security staff we're at melton mowbray technical college where some daft bitch isn't really meant to be the fucking manager and she's and she's like oh god it got really awkward there they were trying to pay their bill and then i'm chipping and then because i call them twat one of I'm going to be the fucking manager. And she's like, oh God, it got really awkward there. They were trying to pay their bill. And then I'm chipping. And then because I called them twice,

one of them came round and started making a beeline to me. And I was like, oh my God. I went, what's happening? He went, I want a word with you. I was like, I'm literally doing a gig. I'm nearly finished, but I'm on stage. And then the crowd are like, mate, piss off. And he's like, no, I'm not pissing off.

He's just called, he's just sworn at us. And we've got women with us, we've got ladies with us, do you swear in front of your wife? I'm like, all the time, particularly when she's being a dickhead, he was like, I think it's disgusting, I was like, are you trying to fight me? And he was like, no, why are you making out like I'm violent? And I was like, because you're rushing towards the stage, you're massive, and I'm a fucking wuss, he was like, I think it's disgusting what you've said to us and i was like well i apologize well it's not good enough that's how eggy it got i closed the set by going well that got fucking weird and i got a standing ovation from the 40 people that had come to see comedy and i could hear them bitching and moaning and we were all backstage like oh god that was fucking awful on it that was fucking awful and then it went on for 20 minutes we're all doing

that comedian thing of like oh god this is awful who's gonna tweet about it first oh my god that was so mad and no no security were there to do what that bouncer did to you you know when the bounce went mate you don't want to go out there because there's six people waiting for you so bell end here just wandered out the front door and i was like it's 20 minutes they're fucking out they surrounded me and i decided i was like i've not nothing wrong here i've called you to actually were being twats i thought i'm just gonna see how calm i can be so i just stood there and i just let them have a fucking go and i was like i said afterwards my heart was going because i thought i was going to get slapped at one point but my favorite bit was

oh there's two bits that were classic the one where he was like you you're very sweary on stage and it's disgusting that you swear in front of women it's just not you don't you shouldn't need to these are you shouldn't swear in front of women i was like that's fine that really old fashion and patronizing i think you should swear in front of anyone. I was like, that's fine. That really old fashioned and patronizing. I think you should swear in front of anyone. Do you know what I mean? Like it's women are no different. What are you on about? He's like,

well, I think it's disgusting swearing in front of women. And then about 10 minutes later, one woman came up to me and went, you're a fucking disgrace. You're not a comedian. You're a shit fucking cunt. She actually said to me,

you're a shit fucking cunt. And and i and i had to stop myself from going i think this lady knows swearing already guys so don't think we need to worry about this one being sworn in front of because she just called me a shit fucking cunt which is like a lot of anger and swear words jumbled together so afterwards now on facebook very rare occurrence that where you get three swear words back to back like normally there's like a couple of words or at least syllables or breaths in between the swear words you're a shit fucking cunt you're aunt. And you're not even fucking good at being one. You're a shit fucking cunt. Mate, even for someone who suffers from Tourette's,

that would be a big one, wouldn't it? Even someone who swears out of nowhere would be like, you're a shit fucking cunt. Like, whoa, whoa, Jesus. I need to put this coffee down. Melton Mowbray, Liverpool, December 2019. Never forget. I still try tobray, Liverpool, December 2019. Never forget. Still trying to sell him a CD though.

So, do you want a CD? You can have a free one, honestly. Watch it. I'll sign it. Shit fucking cut. A couple of years ago at Christmas I played the Comedy Station Comedy Club, you know, in Blackpool. It's now a purpose built comedy club

and it's fantastic and it was always good but it used to be in like a nightclub showy place called Viva Ryan doesn't mind me saying this now it's fucking shit it's a weird fucking place and it was a Christmas now that gig

never ran to time anyway Ryan who runs it would always be like get there, show starts at 8 and if you're headlining you'll be on by quarter to 10 and the show would start at like 5 past 9 and if you were headlining you'd get on about half 10, quarter to 11 if you were lucky during the middle act there was a group

of people just talking, I'm there to headline right so there's a group of people talking and Ryan goes back on stage after the middle act and he's like, listen, you guys, you can't be talking when the fucking accident, don't be rude. And they proper kicked off and proper went for him.

One of them tried to punch Ryan and it was a group of 12 scousers, 12 people from Liverpool had attacked the compere. That break was about an hour long, right? So then, because they were refusing to leave without a refund and they were like, no, you're not getting a refund. You've ruined the gig and tried to assault a member

of staff. You don't get a fucking refund for that. Took an hour to get them out the building. Then Ryan goes on and goes, guys, thank you very much for sticking around and waiting for the headline part of the show. And a guy in the audience went, you know what it is, mate? Fucking scousers. They're all horrible cunts, aren't they? Scousers are rats, mate.

That's why we don't fucking like them in Blackpool anymore. And Ryan goes, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Adam Rowe. And I walked out and I was like, what's happening, kids?

Can't believe you've kicked me fucking family out. Did they laugh? Did they laugh? That guy who'd gone, scousers are all cunts, he'd shrunk into his chair. I was like, are we all cunts, are we, mate? Yeah. my fucking family out did they laugh did they laugh that guy who'd gone scousers and all cunts he'd shrunk into his chair

I was like are we all cunts are we mate yeah almost are we all rats and he was like lad I was just trying

to show support to Ryan do you know what I mean yeah it would have been amazing if you'd have just walked out and gone hello

my name is Adam Roe and honestly this is probably for the best in his voice. Talking about comedy clubs where people get attacked. Here's one where that never happens. Now then, everyone, let's have a quick word about Vauxhall Comedy Club in that there London town. Now, obviously, there is a fucking pandemic going on

no one's going comedy for a while but as soon as they are, if you live anywhere near London, if you're down visiting in London and you fancy some stand up, some of the best comics in the world will be playing Vauxhall Comedy Club which is, surprise to fucking prize, in Vauxhall. So basically they've helped the podcast out massively by

sponsoring it in our time of need and when we're out of the fucking bunker when we do our first live tour of this podcast, the Have A Word Show for London will be at the Vauxhall Comedy Club. If you're down there and you fancy seeing some stand-up after the apocalypse, give Vauxhall Comedy Club a try. In the meantime, give them a follow on Instagram, at Vauxhall Comedy Club, on Twitter, at Vauxhall Comedy, and on Facebook, they're just Vauxhall Comedy Club on Twitter at Vauxhall Comedy and on Facebook they're just Vauxhall Comedy Club

join the mailing list so they can tell you when they're reopening and what they're doing it's VauxhallComedyClub.com Adam's already played this room I'm really looking forward

to playing it they do a bottomless booze ticket on a Friday and Saturday night you get 90 minutes of stand up excellent TV comedians up and coming talent

and also bottomless beer and wine there's a spirit and mixerer ticket for £35. There's just entry for £10. Be a good egg, give them a little follow, and we'll see you there after all this shit has blown over. Vauxhall Comedy Club, that's it. You are listening to the funniest podcast in the game.

It's Have a Word with Adam Rowe and Dan Nightingale. It's time for Have a Word with Adam and Dan. I think I've been in a weird mood today. Send all the problems that you have with your friends or your family to your relationships. If they're going in the bin, tell us what you want us to say to them. And we'll call them a shit fucking cunt. So this one was sent via Instagram. Avoid that when possible.

Do email us, have a word pod at gmail.com. But I did find this one from about a week or two ago. Lads, will you have a word with my absolute fucking dirt bag of a boyfriend? Due to the lockdown, he's mainly just wearing undies around the house or short with no undies on underneath.

This has led me to notice that almost every time he goes for a piss, he dribbles a bit into his fucking pants and there'll be a little spot of wee on the front of his shorts or his undies. It's disgusting. He's just walking around covered in piss. I'm sick of it.

I'm a word from Rebecca and my boyfriend is called Andrew Cartwright. I'm a weird from Rebecca, and my boyfriend is called Andrew Cartwright. We've all done it, though. I'm not saying I do it all the time, but sometimes I'm like, oh, I'm so bored of weird. I'll just finish up, and then after I just step away, like, yeah, I wasn't quite finished there.

Probably could have given myself another. I do. It's so repetitive. You're like, oh, God. I'm not saying a colostomy bag is something you want but oh there are certain advantages but yeah not all the time lads come on man i do it pretty much constantly to be honest with you i think that's what undies are for but to catch the wee have you ever done that where you're like checking what's dirty and what's clean and you're like hang on are these are these kegs clean or and you're like, hang on, are these kecks clean?

And you just do a little sniff test. And if you just position the nostril in the wrong spot, you're like, oh, my gosh. Oh, my God, are they a fucking 90-year-old man's ill persons? Are they an Alzheimer's sufferer's knickers? Oh, no, they're mine. I'm just a fucking lazy twat that can't be bothered finishing a piss. I mean, she's right. She's right.

She needs to fucking grow up. It's not like he's walking around with piss all over his face and over his ear. It's just a little bit of wee. What's the problem? What is actually the problem? The problem is, how old is he? Let's say he's 28, because that's how old I am.

That shit's not going to get better, is it? I mean, that 28, it's one of them problems where you're like, you know, if you're smoking weed at 15, it's fucking, it could be pills by 18, cocaine at 19, you're on heroin at 23. If you're pissing in your own knickers and you can't be bothered at 28, what's it going to look like at 50? You're just going to be sat in your shit going, oh, I know I've pooed a bit, but, oh, the toilet's upstairs. be bothered at 28 what's it gonna look like at 50 you're just gonna be sat in your shit going oh i

know i've pooed a bit but oh the toilet's upstairs like it's just i think skid marks are okay as well to be honest oh no no it's the adam lion belt i'm not believing it no upset me nasty bitch we've all had accidents we've all had accidents. We've all had accidents. We've all fucked around with laxatives when we shouldn't, but... Now, look, she just needs to grow up a bit and let him have a bit of wee on his kicks. It's not that big of a problem. He's never getting a blowjob again

if he doesn't heed my warning. We're starving in Africa and we're worried about this shit. Fucking hell. Please, for the good of this podcast stop eating vegetables you need a medical steak bake doctor doctor I feel like a vegan

boar I think we should all be allowed to piss and shit and live in our excrement because we are God's children and we are all just atoms anyway. I'm not pissing in my own pants though. I mean, I'm terribly dehydrated so it's not a massive problem.

Well, that was depressing. My company got a bit too real there. I'm with her. Mate, wash your knob on your pants if you want a blowjob do you know what else I'd say as well I'm not afraid I guarantee that he's got a big foreskin because if you haven't

are you cut oh mate shalom what are you circumcised yeah I'm with the fucking and you still dribble sometimes in your pants just through laziness just through like

oh it must be finished by now bored see I reckon like somewhere you get stuck in like your foreskin and then that comes out in your undies

I reckon this is like how big's your foreskin what how big's your foreskin you're making it sound like a fucking like a maze it's about the length of it looks like my dick's got a turtle neck on like it's just you know like if you had like a water balloon

you know the bit between the round bit the little like pipe bit yeah it's just you know like if you had like a water balloon you know the bit between the round bit the little like pipe bit it's like that long right it's not I wonder how big foreskins can get mine was taken from me but I wonder how how floppy do they get

oh yeah I'm a fucking I'm with the Judaism I'm with the brothers. I don't know what I mean. Gentiles. Gentiles are fucking non-Jews, aren't they? You don't need me for this podcast, you know. You can just

have your mindless rambles. Muscle tough. It's a nice, clean fucking penis. I wonder how much bigger my dick would have been if they'd not chopped it. Did they take an inch? No, not an inch. It doesn't get bigger with foreskin. I had to have my dick surgically

reduced when I was a kid. It was too big. I swear! I swear! That's the new sound for Adam talking shit. I swear to God, it's not too big now, but I've got a big scar on my dick, and I asked my dad a few years ago what happened there,

and he was like, your dick was too big, we had to cut it down. Mate, why then, here's a genuine question, why then, when they did the operation on the eye, did they take the skin from the thigh and not the dick? It would have made so much more... Your dick's not a muscle. I tell you what, lads,

you're amazing, you go kids. Woof like a fucking... I'm not messing though. My dick has been surgically reduced because it was causing me pain in that when I was a kid. It was growing too much. In your foreskin? It wasn't like... You weren't like a small child with a 12-inch dick

and they were like, mate, this is going to cause imbalance problems. No, but in proportion, it was too big. Because in my head, you've got this fucking mammoth wang and they're like, yeah, you can't work in porn at five years old so we're going to have to do something.

It's a blessing, but a curse. I'd have the equivalent of a Subway sandwich, like a foot long. Hey, you've just drifted into, this is ridiculous. No one's added it reduction. I swear! I swear, Google baby did reduction.

You'll see it's real. I don't want that on my search history. I don't want it on my search history. I don't want it on my search history. I've got so much bullshit from this search, from searching crap that we've talked about. But baby dick reduction, I think that might get you taken off the internet. Google are like, listen, lad,

you've fucking searched some weird shit, but that's the line. Why? Was your little willy struggling to pop through your little foreskin? It was too big for me foreskin, yeah. Didn't you just have a really small foreskin? My mum and dad didn't want to do that.

Why? Because it was barbaric or something. Right. Just imagine that. Adam, don't worry about it you've got a special eye and a special dick how many special things

did your mum have to fucking talk you through in childhood also he's good with numbers he's good with numbers he's got a massive dick and a gammy eye

he's our special Adam no wonder you're a fucking comedian mate you're Rain Man with a massive you're a fucking comedian, mate. You're Rain Man with a massive dong and a fucking gammy fucking peeper. No wonder you've become a comedian. I didn't get my dick reduction until I was like nine. My eye was long fixed by then.

I got done when I was like four. I was a bit worried that I wasn't going to enjoy today's pod. I've had a bit of a stressful day. I'm coming out of this one feeling rejuvenated. And a lot of it is because I'm thinking of your big nine-year-old dick. Adam, sit down. Adam, sit down. Me and your father want to talk to you.

Pull that fucking third leg away, mate. You're scaring the dog. Listen. Do you remember the girls that saw you at the swimming baths as you came out of the changing room? Do you remember when they started crying? Right, well, that's the reason we have to speak to the doctor. Do you remember when the fucking lifeguard thought there was a shark in the water

and you were just doing front crawl? We need to deal with that. The fucking lifeguard is like a a fisherman got your dick on her like oh it was a big one fucking 15 pounder you don't believe me do you I don't need to believe you it was just funny why are we dealing with truths

there's children starving in Africa let me just think of your big nine year old dick and there's the no context have a way stop curating that man's fucking twitter let me just think of your big nine-year-old dick i'll tell you what we need now some music from a new band i always think that because we often end at the most ridiculous point of the podcast where like even you and me are like oh there's nowhere else to go we're done

these bands must be coming on going mate we've been this is great they've got a big listenership and they're just trying to support young talent i just want to think about your nine-year-old dick and then their music it must be like they're trying to play it to the mom and dad's like we've been on this podcast let me just get i'll listen to the whole thing no no mom don't mom don't let me just play it i'll play it I want the picture that you do for promoting today's episode

to be a nine year old Stephen Orkham with a massive dick how do you even make that so we need some closure on the other way

yeah lad just shake your willy like for the next minute or so and your beard will be happy. There you go. Fucking hell. Today's artist for our song is called Glenn Ruffhead. Now, Glenn's a mate of mine from the Northeast.

He's a collaborator with, you know, Jason Cook. Good old Jason Cook. So he does a lot of comedy songs with Jason at Jason's gigs up in the Northeast. He's a dead sound lad, and he's a fucking belted of a musician. Glenn Ruffhead is his name. He's spelled Ruffhead.

R-O-U-G-H-E-A-D. His song is called Past Life. He's at Glenn Ruffhead on Twitter, and his Instagram is at Glenn R Music. Go and check him out. This is Glenn Ruffhead with Past Life, and we will see you tomorrow. See you later. Bye Felicia.

Bye Felicia. guitar solo Since the shed's such a scurry While people spit out speech All the hospitals are turning to abattoirs Full of decaying meat All the kids, they couldn't be told Because there's nothing left to teach That couldn't be learned outside

That couldn't be learned outside That couldn't be learned on the street And there was doubt To push you in and pull you out We swallowed what we'd been given to take So let them eat their own fists Let them take easy cake In a flashlight, in a flashlight In a flashlight, in a flashlight

In a flashlight, in a flashlight In a flashlight, in a flashlight I'm not a man In a past life a flashlight In a flashlight In a flashlight In a flashlight In a flashlight In a flashlight In a flashlight In a flashlight In a flashlight