Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #36 Shutdown Pod (VIA ZOOM) -w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: April 18, 2020

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See you in a bit Fucking did it in one take bro Yeah man Pokey Pokey Picking a Pokey Good morning job seekers Oh my god Okay it's happening

Catch me outside How about that Have you never seen me before Upset me Nasty bitch I'm big boned I'm heavy structured I'm hung low. If I pull

my shit out this whole room, get dark. Disgusting! It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel like podcasting. Two mics, two lids, and a lot of time on their hands. This is Have A Word. Shut down dailies. Let's get through this mess together. All right, dear lad. What's happening? Look at you with your new fucking hat and drinking a Bud Light. Why are you on Bud Light? I just fancied a light beer.

Is that okay? I try and have a calorie-controlled eight or nine beers. I really just think it's... Why are you doing a gay voice? Is this homophobia? Are you being homophobic because I'm having a Bud Light? There's nothing wrong with a light beer, good sir. There is nothing wrong with it. Is it just low calorie?

It tastes like normal Budweiser, doesn't it? So Coors Light is low calorie, but it's still like 4.5%. Bud Light is only 3.5%, so you can have like six of these and drive. Yeah, yeah, that's how it works, isn't it? That's how it works. I'm on the turbo shandy because I haven't got my beer 52 delivered yet. I was like, last I saw it,

I thought it out for next week. These weeks are so short, Adam, aren't they, on lockdown? They're just whizzed by. They really are, though. I think I'm going to get my second beer 52 through in the next couple of days. I'm keeping my subscription, man.

I am definitely going to, man. I am definitely going to sort it. This is going to be one of those ones where I'm definitely not going to wank for the whole shutdown two days later. I've never really been bothered about light beer or whatnot. This is basically Turbo Shandy is like lager plus extra sugar.

This is like happy diabetes. We got a tweet last night from Jilly Bean in Texas who had her very first Turbo Shandy. She's broke her cherry. Broke her cherry? Popped her cherry? And then a lot of people tweeting underneath like, you know what, I haven't had one for 20 years. I don't think anyone has them anymore.

I think we might be restarting something. It is good, though it is good though on the live show though if just there's 250 people all drinking turbo shandy at once can you imagine how pissed off the fucking venue are gonna be like we only stock two cases of smirnoff ice they sold out in the first five minutes that's just a green room for me and you new hat you've got a new hat I'm jealous where's my new hat

I want a hat do you want me to get them to send you a hat yes mate absolutely the lad so there's a company they sort of

we gave them a few shouts I'd tell you on the call Prism Clothing and they specialise in caps and this is his brand new one it only got released last night I believe and he doesn't live far from here

he lives like two roads away the lad who designs them and makes them yeah so he messaged me on Instagram and was like lad if I send you an ad will you just give us

a little shout out on your podcast and on your Instagram and I was like absolutely mate I've been dying for a new at but I didn't even think to go can Dan have one it's fine

but now I'm like please I want some because it's obviously this is a fucking podcast so it's a grey truckers cap with a cool Yosemite Yosemite National Park badge yeah it says Yosemite National Park escape reality. That is it.

Cool as fuck. I 100% want one. And if we ever do a podcast where we've got videos going, we'll have to check going, you're not wearing the Yosemite cap. But because it's free, I don't know,

I'd love to know what hat I wouldn't wear if I was being given it as like, listen, could you just do a mention? If it said, I'm a big nonce, I was like,

yeah, but it's got lovely material, hasn't it? I know it says I'm a nonce, but that is a very good, it's a quality build cap, that, Laura. Do you know what's really funny? You won't have seen this because it only came in like five minutes ago. No, I fucking saw it. We got a tweet to the have a word twitter saying

dan looks more noncy by the day and now you're saying you'd wear a hat saying i'm a big nonce i lean into it lean into it

oh but yeah if you do if you're into your caps and that go to prism clothing uh on instagram i actually tagged them on my instagram story earlier

and order yourselves a cap. I think he charges like 30 quid or something like that for a cap. I'm not entirely sure to be honest with you. But they're really, really, really good quality.

He does a really good job of them. The designs are great and he sent me a free hat so yeah, go and support him. And if you're thinking, well, why would I spend

that on a cap? I'll just go to Sports Direct and get an Adidas cap for like 12 quid. Yeah, yeah, you can. And you should. You should. You, the person who thought that, should do that.

And then leave the rest of us to wear not-shit caps. Saying I'm a nonce. Can we have that as one of our... So since we've floated the idea of merchandise, I have some of the worst ideas for merchandise, and that's another. This is my poo mug. What is it?

The individual poo mug. I think that might be genius. This is my mug. I take this. Yeah. Have a turd on a mug, yeah. Have a turd. And then I'm a nonce.

I don't think that'll take off as much. It's my round the house. It's my round the house cap. It's my round the house nonce, I don't think that'll take off as much. It's just, it's my round the house. It's my round the house cap. It's my round the house nonce hat. I really don't give a fuck what I'm wearing at the moment round the house. Like, it's my wife, she can't afford to leave me. Classic. My brother-in-law doesn't give a shit.

And who gives a fuck? And it's just the combos of crap I'm wearing. I honestly think I would wear and i'm a nonce hat just to just to make the day more exciting so i'll have the neighbors be like hi dan you're all right yeah you're all right i just i'm wearing fucking everything and anything it's just a mess i've put about half a stone on i've eaten a fucking i've been a full lockdown supply of biscuits. My weight fluctuates a lot, so I have a lot of different size t-shirts and normally I have a

rule, if Jade's putting a wash on, so we have a washer dryer combo machine, so you can just put it on the wash and then dry automatically. I always tell Jade, if any of my t-shirts are in the wash, you've got to make sure you bring them out before you put them on to dry because they'll shrink and I won't be able to wear them. Last week she went, I'm putting some of your t-shirts in,

just so you know, I won't put it on straight to dry, so just take your t-shirts out when it's done. Because I was sat downstairs playing FIFA, she was like, you take your t-shirts out, and I went, babe, babe, leave them on. Just let them dry

because at the minute, it doesn't fucking matter if I'm wearing a crop top. Shrink all me shit. I don't give a fuck. As long as me hoodies are fine, it doesn't matter, does it? Because I can put a hoodie on every time I leave the house or go and collect an Amazon package. The t-shirts that were a bit

baggy, they now fit perfectly package the t-shirts that were a bit baggy they now fit perfectly the t-shirts that were a little bit small they're essentially a fucking starter bra that's where they're at through a combination of me not doing anything and also fucking just like oh that is the worst feeling in it when you're like where's that where's that wash that i put on oh no she's put it in the fucking dryer what do you think about people who have been like dressing up on like a friday night and a saturday night just to stay in have you seen that like women put like a full little lbd little little black dress on getting their lipstick done and all the makeup eyelashes on hair done music on pre-drinks you know what it feels and pre-drinks in me in the bedroom for when i go downstairs to have the proper drinks

it feels like you're naturally in clay she'd be like what's all your fucking life out but i reckon anything that's stopping you putting the head in the fucking oven you know what i mean like whatever's getting you through as long as you're not hurting head in the fucking oven you know what i mean like if whatever's getting you through as long as you're not hurting anyone or actually nonsense just just dress up i mean you might feel like i don't know who gives a fuck it's like those guys that play championship manager i remember seeing those pictures online and you want to be like what a fucking dickhead and then he had that i might do that, actually. Yeah, definitely.

I think I might do that, yeah. Do we dress up for, like, not next week or the week after for the Saturday? Should we have a proper, put our suits on, do the podcast with our suits on and live streaming us? Well, this lockdown lock-in is getting more and more complicated. The lockdown formal lock-in. You've got more complicated. The lockdown formal locket. You've got to drink. The lockdown dinner party.

And I'm here with Turbo Shandy and a flute. I'm slicing lamb. Oh, my God. Yeah, I think... Whatever. I don't think anyone can rip the piss at the moment, can they? If you're a normal person and you're living in a normal fucking house and that's the shit that gets you through,

do what you fucking want. Wear the full away kit of your favourite team. Dress up in your wedding dress like, who gives a shit? Do you know what I've got no time for? Is celebrities doing Instagram lives and fucking tweeting from their like eight bedroom mansions feeling sorry for themselves like i don't i know everyone's in it together but you're in the best situation possible aren't you and it's because what they've lost is a life that we can't even comprehend so what you and me have lost is gigs going out bit of spare cash maybe do a bit of shopping maybe go

to a restaurant once a week maybe twice a week you know have a drink sometimes do some gigs but basically in and out of your normal house like what they've lost is walking around like demigods with millions of pounds in the bank going i think we'll go to the south of france or maybe i don't know the dordogne yeah i think so we'll jet there shall we jet there i wonder if elton will lend the lend us the jet i really think we should rent some uh well we've already got them jet skis i was gonna say rent like their life is so fucking amazing they get to do anything they want and everywhere they want they're like oh my god it's alec baldwin and they're like oh yeah i am alec baldwin and now they and everywhere they're on, they're like, oh, my God, it's Alec Baldwin. And they're like, oh, yeah, I am Alec Baldwin.

And now they're just stuck at home, like fucking everyone, going, oh, isn't it awful? You're like, mate, we're in a fucking three-bedroom semi-detached dickhead. There's loads of people having a go at Sam Smith, isn't there? Because I'm comparing him to that Captain Morgan fella. Not the guy from The Rum. The guy who's rum the guy who's the guy who's

legging it up and down his garden and he's raised like 20 million for the NHS have you seen him? how can you not? he's 148 years old this is the difference in our generation so he's doing that at like 193 years

old or whatever he is and sam smith put a video on instagram and he's crying saying i just can't handle a lockdown he says in a 12 million pound mansion in london and everyone's like this is the difference in the generations and then there's people as as there always is on the internet there's people fighting for both sides there's people going how dare you it doesn't matter how much money Sam Smith has got. His feelings are valid, okay? They're very valid. And actually, it's refreshing to see someone

who was assigned male at birth to show these sorts of emotions. Now, he no longer identifies as a man. He is a they, but that does not mean that he is not a male at birth, showing these exact emotions is exactly what toxic masculinity is all about and he should be allowed to express these feelings like yeah we get it, men have feelings as well and we should be talking about it

but you know Jordan on lockdown where everyone is fucking like rationing their milk and rationing their fucking crisps and shit and their toilet roll. And they're like, oh, what are we going to do? And everyone's panicking.

People have lost their jobs. People are living on the breadline. People are having to get universal credit. It's a bit much to expect those people to be like, I feel so sorry for Sam Smith because he can't even access his golden toilet at the minute because it's full of all his money. The bank is shut

and he's had to get 20 million pounds out and keep it in his cupboard and I just don't know how is he going to get to his golden toilet, fuck off you know as well, how are you making anything about Sam Smith crying on a fucking social media video about his gender

like if anyone is like but it's because he's so brave and like no no no no no no, this is like disabled people can be wankers. This is the same thing. What Sam Smith has done with his gender, to be fair, he's been at the forefront on it. And for a lot of young people, he'll be a hero. Who've gone through the turmoil of not knowing who they are

and what body they've been born into. And then Sam Smith, someone they idolise, has come out and gone, do you know what, I feel same and that's amazing but that doesn't mean that he's not a whiny bitch going i'm having a hard time what about what about the single mum in a council flat in like south london who's got three fucking squawking kids and no balcony shut the fuck up sam smith and you know why you know why they're whinging is because they get to do all of this shit everyone licks their fucking assholes like oh my god of course you can get in the restaurant without curing of course we've got this and we've got free shit here and of course you get front row whenever you want to go to a live performance of someone else and of course

it's amazing but also they're in the house and now they have to fucking clean it because the cleaner's not allowed to come around and the because the cleaner's not allowed to come round, and the fucking gardener's not allowed to come round. So Sam Smith is like, I'm having a hard time, because he's having to wash his own fucking pots. Yes! And he wants to be sort of a woman, so he should be doing the pots. Okay, that was too fast.

Oh, shit. I've ruined it. Dan's had a pint, had a pint. Dan's had a pint. That was pint. Dan's had a pint. That was so dangerous because Laura's not on great form today. She's already had like two Feminax and that was too loud.

I ruined a good point there at the end. Bastard. No, you didn't. You made a joke and that's fine. Do you know what I think? I think Sam Smith has got absolutely every right to be whiny. But ring your ma, lad.

Ring your da. Ring one of your mates and go, do you know what? I'm struggling here. Don't go on the fucking internet crying in your fucking mansion and expect working class people who can't afford fucking bread to be like, oh, I accept that we've all got our feelings and we're all allowed to express them. If you're going to do that, you're going to be called a cunt and rightly so.

Just why can't people internalise any thought anymore? And I'm a bit of a curmudgeon with social media because I did it for years and now I'm like, until we started this podcast, I was really just tapping out really, just checking it for a few things. I was using it for sport more than anything because one of the bugbears of being a comedian is watching comedians do a bad job of their social media and spend, and you can tell they spend hours

rewording like a fucking Facebook post that is so long. Good on Twitter for limiting like the amount of, you know, it's 280 characters, isn't it? I think that's what makes switzerland the angriest platform though because you've just got to be like i can't even i can't even concede the point i'm just going to be like no you're a cunt like yeah i just i just went aggressive with twitter comedians who do social media well good on him and there's some who are exceptional at it sometimes you watch comics i'll see comics on social media like god you're so good

at this and you know exactly when which subject matter to make a joke about or when to be serious like you're good at it there's ray bradshaw my mate in scotland is great comedians very good at it reese james has basically made a career off being fucking amazing on twitter and then every other comic who's just a good comic i'm not even slagging them off the comic goes oh god everyone does social media i need to do social media so every time something's trending or they see another comedian do a joke about it they do exactly what you shouldn't do in comedy like we talked about this yesterday about subject matter like danny mack if anyone even fucking wanders close to the subject of trifles that's that's, isn't it? He's done with it. You're very original.

You keep an eye on what everyone else is saying, but for some reason, that's what comics are almost, not trained to do, but we're encouraged to do. And then on Twitter, it's like, whatever is just really already instantly hacky, you, in the head, I've got to say what I think as well. The line, yeah, here's my my this is my least favorite line here's my take on uh on this like no no one gives a shit literally no one gives a shit you're a mid-level

circuit comic and you live in the east midlands shut the fuck up who cares is it is it anything funny oh that's right there's nothing funny it does matter get a podcast whinge at length funny it doesn't matter get a podcast whinge at length what's happening what's up with this this is is this stella this is cronenberg it's giving me an edge yeah you've got a bit pint in a fight dan so why is why is it what's laura's beef today if she's uh she's not she's not she's not um she's not feeling great she's not feeling she today? If she's been a bit... She's not feeling great. She's not feeling great. She's taken two Feminacs. What's Feminacs?

It's, if she listens to this episode, I'm dead. But what's great about the amount of content we're churning out, you know, so I'm speaking quietly, we're churning out so much content at the moment she can't keep up, she's on episode 24 and we've had a few emails from people going we can't keep up I get that you can't keep up

it's just what it is it is what it is but Laura is way behind so if I say this now on the podcast I'm going to get in loads of shit for it in about a week which is fine she's having a bad day she's had a feminax I'm going to get in loads of shit for it in about a week, which is fine. She's having a bad day. She's had a Feminax.

You never had a Feminax? No, what is it? It's like... Tell you what, though. They're fucking great for hangovers. No, and I'm not joking. I had one of the work 10 years ago i lived in manchester got fucking steaming i was so hungover i had to make the the guy that lived around in the building but he lived around the back of the apartments and we ended up like becoming mates and he over the year and a half i'd live there we'd become lived there, we'd had a drink together a few times, and he loved comedy.

And he was like, mate, if you ever gig in, and we'd already done it once or twice, he'd come to a few gigs with me. I was so hungover, I messaged him and went, mate, are you doing anything tonight? Because I'm hungover, and I can't be arsed driving to York. And he was like, yeah, I'm doing nothing, let's do it. I was like, I'll give you petrol money, I'll buy you tea when we get there, and I'm just doing a set.

And he was like, yeah, yeah, was great we had a little road trip and on the m62 stopped off at that services near rochdale i was you know if i'd have been driving it would have been definitely illegal it was irresponsible to to be on a journey in my mate's nice car and i've got to sort myself out here and i actually went in the service station and said to the, like, he was just one of them awful-looking 19-year-olds, like, you're right. I was like, just thought I'd say it. I just got all my cards on the table. I was like, mate, I feel really fucking ropey.

Is there anything you've got, like, Lemsip or Parry? What's going to sort of, I'm hungover as fuck. Is there anything you've got? It was the most amazing moment. He was all young. He went, mate, I'm not even joking.

Feminax. I know, it's for women, but it'll sort you fucking right out. Whipped out, it's in a pink packet. It's basically, it's marketed for ladies with period pains and whatnot. Don't know what's in it, but Christ

almighty, by the time we were passing Leeds, I felt fucking great. And the joke is, my vagina didn't bother me at all. My womb never hurt me. But there's a little sneaky little tip if you're having a bit of a lockdown Saturday with me and Adam

and you're having a drink while you're listening to this and you feel ropey as fuck, try Feminax. I've got a pre-emptive hangover cure. with me and Adam and you're having a drink while you're listening to this and you feel ropey as fuck, try Feminax. I've got a pre-emptive hangover cure. You have to do it on the night before you go to sleep though. Do you know what dioralite is? It's the electrolyte stuff, isn't it?

It's diarrhoea medicine. So... I made it sound so futuristic. No dickhead. So, you know when you've got the shits and you're just constantly shitting? Correct. Did you study medicine?

It's just pissy shit coming out of your bum hole again and again and again. Okay. So they've invented a medicine called diurelite. The best one's the black hood and flavour one. Okay. So they've invented a medicine called diurelite. The best one's the black currant flavour one. Okay.

And it's essentially rehydration fluid because when you have got the shit, you lose so much water from your bowels that you need to rehydrate.

Also, a hangover is just at the very crux of it is just dehydration. That's, that's the where most of the problems from a hangover come from.

That's why if you wake up hungover, even though you look rough, you're like, oh, look at my tummy. My tummy's not that bad, is it? I'm looking all right. You're still a bit pissed looking in the mirror like, looking pretty fucking good. Give it 12 hours when you've eaten four loaves of fucking Warburton's, you fat bitch.

If when you get in before you go to sleep, loaves of fucking war batons, you fat bitch. If when you get in before you go to sleep and it's hard because you're pissed, aren't you? But if you can get in and have the presence of mind to go, I'm going to have runny bum medicine. Go to the cupboard, make yourself a diorolite, drink it as quick as you can,

pass out, you'll wake up and you'll feel, I reckon it takes 90% of the hangover away Oh and then just have Feminax there for the last 10% That is amazing, you won't shit yourself, have you got diarrhea and period pains or are you just hungover

Welcome to Adam and Dan's Pharmacy We deal with periods, runny bums and hungover teens fucking good technique though good technique this is i really was worried that laura wasn't feeling great today i was like i shouldn't really drink i'll just have one well i'm on the second and i feel pretty fucking good why is sam smith still annoying me still annoying you tell Still annoying you? Tell us more about why he's annoying you. Oh, this is fucking hell.

Just shut up. Shut the fuck up. I've got some pretzels here. Oh, go on. Go on. Are they pretzels light? No. They're, um, Penn State.

Sour cream and fucking... Are they sour cream and fucking are they sour cream and chive? yeah they're pretty fucking good actually see now you like sour cream and chive Pringles not that into it but for some reason on those pretzels there's like that slight cheese dust to it innit

what's your favourite bar snack? bar snack? sweet chilli coated knobby's nuts. Oh, loving, loving. I'm an animal, me. I'm a pork scratching man. Oh. I love a pork scratching.

Is there anything less attractive than someone cracking, breaking up pork scratching in the mouth when it sounds so loud? It sounds like a tooth snapped in the fucking mouth. Pork scratchings are so hard. The sound of it is so off-putting. The sound of it turns me on, to be honest with you. Like, if I can hear a crunch in my own mouth, I get a little twinge on my dick as well.

I'm a dick bot, so I fucking can't take any fucking more. Pork scratching does something to me pork sword, lad. What? Jesus Christ. How do you think you'd do if you were single now? I sometimes think about that. I know you wouldn't actually say that in a fucking pub. You're right there, love.

Pork scratching. Where Where you going? How do you think you'd do? How do you think you'd do as a single man? Do you think you'd do alright? I think I'd do alright, yeah. Yeah? I'm a successful comedian. Got a fucking belt of a beard going on at the minute.

Got me hat. Great time to have a beard great time to have a beard what about you i think laura will will will eventually just be bored of my bullshit and then i mean it would it be better for her to do it now before i really slide into like yeah go and have a chat with her go and say look are you ever gonna leave me because if you are could we just speed that process up yeah listen cards on the table i'm not even being eggy it's just gonna be so pathetic in 10 years if you have to if i have to roll myself out of the door because i've had another 10 years of you going i love you oh you do don't you i don't need to joke i'll have some more cake. Fucking brutal.

Have you ever used the chat up line? No, mate. No, mate. And I never did the game when my mate Bondi was reading the game. He's like, it's the most amazing book, right? Essentially, you gaslight and mentally abuse a woman in a group of her own friends, call her a fat pig, and then fuck her? It works great. It works great.

I see no moral obligations to it. I don't think anything... What do you mean ethical dilemma? No, no, no. All right, fatty, I'm not fat. Well, let's fuck you and see what happens. You know, when I was like 19, I used a technique from the game

because a friend of mine told me how it worked and it does work, but it was horrible. Please talk me through that. When you're talking through it? Yeah. Did you have pork scratchings, do you? I like pork scratchings. You look like a pig and I like pork scratchings.

Come on, oink my way. Stop crying. So he taught me this technique. He was like, right, you need a wingman. You've got to have a wingman for this, right? Okay, so he said, right, you're in a bar. There's a group of girls in the corner, right? And you want the fittest one.

Assuming they're all single, you want the fittest one because it's going to work. 100% it's going to work. So why would you not go for the fittest one? You go for the fittest one because it's gonna work 100 it's gonna work so why would you not go for the fittest one you go for the fittest one right he said you go and approach the group on your own right you leave your mates in sight but away from the group and you give them this dynamic you go girls sorry to interrupt you swear to god just gotta look i just want a woman's perspective on this, and I was hoping you can help me. My mate over there, he's in a new relationship, and his girlfriend has just found a memory box he's got,

which is full of memories from his last relationship. Now, he's still sort of friends with his last girlfriend, and he doesn't want to throw this memory box away because he said, it's a big part of my life. I was with her for a long time. There's a lot of good memories in there. It's not a romantic thing. It's just a nostalgia thing.

But obviously his new girlfriend wants him to get rid of it. What do you think? Now, the one that you want to sleep with, the one that you're after, every time she says something, you're blanker. You're just pretending she hasn't spoke. Right?

And every time one of the others says something, you act really, really interested. So if she says, well, I think this, you just look away from her, talk to one of her mates. Right? If she's the fittest one, she's used to getting the most attention out of all of the group. Yeah.

So she's getting confused at this point. She's like, hey, what's going on? Why doesn't he want my opinion? Right? But all the other girls are having their input. And because it's such a neutral, it's such a non-threatening thing to come up with, they'll want to chat about it and it seems like a really real problem

that you would want a girl's perspective on so all the girls will be chatting then at the end of it once they've all sort of had their say you go, oh, I'm going to go back to me mate now thanks for your help, but the girls that have had their say will want to talk to him, so at least one of for your help. But the girls that have had their say will want to talk to him.

So at least one of them will go, no, bring him over. And then at that point, you bring him over. And the only one who hasn't had their say, who now craves your approval, is the fittest one. So the ones who've been having their say,

they're all now talking to your wingman. And they've, unbeknownst to them, they've left the one you've been after all along just to talk to you and it fucking worked like a fucking dream and I felt awful for a month and Jade

still lives with you I've never met that mate it is it's like the rapey hypnotist in it. Yeah. It's one down from like, I've got mind powers. Is that the sequel to the tiger that came to take? Oh, the illustrations are a little bit graphic in places,

but my daughter still loves it um i i find those stories sort of like it's painful in it it's painful and also there's every lad listening is like oh no that is bad oh no no no no did it work though did it work no that is awful that's just such a reprehensible way to treat a person, a human being, and also a terrible way to start a relationship. But did it work, Adam? Did it actually work? All joking.

They have, like, the lads who, like, live by this book, by the game, and I know there's a good personal friend of mine and yours, a mutual friend of ours, did this for a long time and i'll tell you who it was off off air um they they have like this thing with like this is never to start a relationship because the next day the magic's sort of worn off and they're like why the fuck have i slept with him like they can't like they don't want to be with you they want to be with the false pretense of a person you present. Yeah. You can see how these people are definitely susceptible to the thoughts of using date rape drugs, aren't they?

Like, yeah, I've got this amazing bit of trickery that makes fit women sleep with me. Well, what if you're not that good with words? I've just got this drug, so... I'm not dead good with words, but I know a guy that works at a pharmaceutical company, so,

fucking hell, it's grim. I always, you know, in a bar, like, that whole thing about who's the fittest,

like, can they, if they can dance, they're gonna be able to bang, aren't they? Like, if they've got the, I always thought that,

if you've got rhythm, if you've got rhythm, you can fuck. See me dance. Oh my god. Oh my god. Do you remember the early days of YouTube

where there was a joke video that went viral, one of the very first... If you did that in Speedos, that would have been like a tribute to the first viral videos of like, here he goes. I really think if they've got rhythm, then you get crack on. Crack on with the girls with the...

Can you dance? I've got fucking flavour. Oh, I've got... I'm scintillating. Breathing difficulties. Are you really? Oh, motherfucker. I've got flavour.

You'll have to show us at the after party of the Patreon live show. How the fuck... How will that work? I was thinking about this. If we have an after party, how is that going to work?

One, a lot of people are like, mate, I came to see you do a podcast. I'm not fucking drinking with your bellends. But I know a lot of the bellends that listen to this will be like, mate, we're drinking together. How will will that work you will never get two minutes

of fucking breathing space if i start dancing over i'll be like it's fucking terrible everyone he hasn't got rhythm he's got no flavor he's ready salted at best it'll be fucking brutal we're defo having an after party and we're defo getting a fucking DJ to come in right what's he gonna play what's he gonna play he's gonna play all the classics give me that running her head through my bone

well I reckon we should give him the soundboard as well so that he can throughout the night give me that nasty bitch upset me running her hand through my throat that's got there my throat

by the way lads if there's a girl at the after party of the live thank you show for all the patrons sign ups don't go up to her and be like I've got this mate right who's got a girlfriend and she says she can't keep the memory box oh shit yeah it's from sign-ups, don't go up to her and be like, I've got this mate, right, who's got a girlfriend, and she says she can't keep the memory

box. Oh, shit, yeah, it's from the podcast. You heard it. Right, see you later. Oh, the playlist for that DJ. I can think of Nickelback and R. Kelly. He's got a... And all of the bands we've featured so far on the podcast.

Nah, fuck that. Just loads of R. Kelly. Shall we crack on? Shall we have a word from Trans Alley Wheels and then we'll crack on with the next bit. Let's talk. I'm going to open another beer. Why not? Let's talk wheels.

I need to go and get a beer, mate. Okay. Two mate. Okay. Two minutes. Okay. And give it a... Ooh! Peep, peep! Running ahead through my phone.

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Ah, thank you. Okay, boys, let's do another feature already. He's back. I just went for a bit. I've got to get a beer. And I was singing R. Kelly through the house. So was I. I went to get another one.

Give me that. Oh, oh. So was I. I went to get another one. Give me that. Oh, oh. Peep, peep. I know it's my bit. I'm getting there. Doing selfies honestly. It is a nice hat, man. It is good, isn't it?

I've got some Gurren Brothers stuff coming from Germany oh gee oh Adam we have had what go on have you made a note of the time stamps that you're going to have to cut about two minutes out of? No, I'm just kidding. I want it to be natural for everyone listening.

I want them to hear it in real time. Let's see. Oh, yeah, it's just around 37. Right. Right. We have had an absolute corker of an email from SD Ranking. Oh, this is one of them that isn't anything that we've traditionally asked for. But Steve, you have nailed it with this.

Adam and Dan. Adam, buckle up for this. It's an absolute beaut. I hope it's real. I hope it's genuine. I'm suspending disbelief. Cracking podcast, guys. Signed up as a patron and can't wait for the live show.

Anyway, funny story. Thought you might take some enjoyment from. One of my dad's mates, who is known to get himself in some ridiculous predicaments, dished out potentially some of the best revenge ever. As the story goes, when he was a young'un just starting out going drinking in Newcastle, he got chatting to this lass. Come the end of the night, he was going back to hers.

Rain was absolutely fucking pelted it down in sheets. Got into a taxi and told the driver where they were going. Small village about 10 miles outside of Newcastle. Five minutes into the journey, my dad's mate, who we'll name Greg for anonymity purposes, realised he didn't have enough cash for the journey. He told the driver and promised that if he'd take the rest of the journey the way, he promised that if he'd take them the rest of the way, he'd see the driver the next day and square him up plus extra for the inconvenience. Driver

was having none of it and dropped them off down a back country road once his money got to the limit on the meter so my dad's mate and this bird walked the last few miles back to her house in the pissing rain a few weekends later greg seen the driver in the taxi rank again and thought right fuck you dickhead he was parked three cars down from the front greg got in the back of the first taxi and said right got no cash but if you take me to stamfordham i'll suck you off the driver told him to fuck off and kicked him out he done the same in the second taxi driver said the same got in the third taxi with the dickhead driver from a few weeks before and said,

stand forward and please, got the money this time. And the driver happily drove off. The rumours quickly circulated around the taxi drivers, sorry, the rumours quickly circulated around the taxi drivers, as you can imagine. And I reckon Greg had the last laugh there. He also said he had the podcast on in the kitchen yesterday with the window open right at the point where we were talking about Adam's big baseball dick. He made eye contact with a neighbour over the fence. Probably shouldn't expect a Christmas card next year. Oh, Steve, what a fucking corker.

It was just one of those, I was like, I hope it's true. I just, I hope it's true. I reckon it is true. What were you doing? I heard rolling then, what was that? That was the applause thing. All right. Greg, it's not his real name, but let's just call him Greg.

Fucking beautifully done. do you know anyone who's ever sucked off a taxi driver to get off the fair I do there was a girl in our street oh I can't say this

it was someone I've already mentioned on this podcast's daughter what okay it was Tony the Smackhead's daughter. Everyone, including me, was like, well, there's a one in twelve chance.

And there was a rumour that she sucked the taxi driver off in the street. And that some of the people... It was like the next morning. It was like seven in the morning on a Sunday morning. And she'd got a taxi home from a one night stand or something. And there was kids about to

go and play footy in the street dead early. And they'd just seen us sucking some taxi driver off because we lived in a cul-de-sac. Oh my god. That was a rumour anyway. I don't know. I didn't see it happening so I can't attest to whether Tony the Smackhead's daughter was actually doing that.

But that was a rumour. Of all the professions that you don't want to suck off, I reckon Taxi Driver is right up there, isn't it? Why? Bin men. Why Taxi Driver? I don't know. Because he's sat all day and he might have sweaty balls.

Yeah. Yeah. Just sat all day and he's looking taxi. Okay,. Yeah. Just sat all day and he's looking toxic. Okay, Dad. I'll tell you what would be a better game. Name us the top three professions you'd be happy to suck off. Male. See, if you're going to suck off a guy.

It has to be male. You're right, yeah. Yeah, let me just... Hang on. Let me think about it. Is there a professional pube trimmer? I would really like, I don't know if that's not a job,

is it? What? Pete's professional pube trimming. I just don't, I don't want to go down into the fucking, the Amazon rainforest. If I'm going to do it and I have to do it, let's have it all nice and shiny.

Okay. A pubic alopecia sufferer. No, it's not a job. Okay. A pube trimmer. So that's such a fucking ridiculous way for your brain to have gone immediately,

but I'll let you have that one. I want two more. And the next two, you can't invent a job for them. Right. Jockey. What? Jockey.

Because they're only small, aren't they? You can have the sucker dick. It might as well be a small one. How do you know it's small? Maybe their dicks aren't in proportion. Fuck off! A champion jockey hasn't got a big dick because

when he was growing up, no pun intended, but as he was coming up through the stable ranks, they'd be like, listen, you're five foot one, you weigh fucking nothing. You're like seven and a half stone. But that fucking 12 inch dick is another three pounds we could

just lose from the fucking... You know what I mean? Oh, I mean, you'd have to get the same surgery I did. Listen, I've had enough of talking about your dick surgery that I don't believe in in the first place. Stop making out. Stop looking... LAUGHTER

Mrs Rowe, we've got some terrible news. We've done... Has it been successful, Doctor? We have. We have reduced your son's penis. It was a gargantuan 13, maybe 14 inches, which is so difficult for a nine-year-old. But we have, I'm afraid, we've slightly over...

We've over-egged it. We've over-egged the pudding, and he's been left with a two-and-a-half-inch dick. Oh, Doctor, I'm sure he's been left with a two and a half inch dick. Oh, doctor. I'm sure he'll be fine with it long term. Little nine-year-old Adam's like, it's loads easier, man. It gets in me underpants dead easy.

It doesn't get trapped in the gears on me bike anymore. I can't see a disadvantage give it five or six years you'll fucking know how old were you when you lost your virginity oh we've done this haven't we I've always lost my virginity 14

but you were 23 when you had a wank yeah something like that I was 17 when I lost my virginity right go on I lost my virginity in a nightclub to a girl whose name I've never known it's not that I've forgotten it

I've never known her name there's a bar in Liverpool called Hebe Jebe's and when I was sort of first started going out when i was 17 the best place you could get into was their basement heebie-jeebies basement um and i was in there with my mate and he's talking to me and he goes lad i've been texting this babe for a while she's outside but neither of us had no he did he had id because he was 18 but i didn't so i'd

blagged my way in. He was like, this bear have been texting outside. She can't get in. We can't both go out because you might not get back in. So I'm going to go out and see her and I'll be back in a minute.

And I went, all right, no problem. He left and this girl come over to me and just went straight to neck me, just started kissing me and went, do you want to come and fuck me in the toilet? And I went yeah. And we went into the toilet, she pushed me onto the toilet seat pulled me pants down, rode on

me dick for a bit and then fucked off and I've never seen her again. Oh my god. I don't know what I don't know which one to play. I think it might be that. That was...

That was more... I thought that would be hilarious, that story, and I'd really revel in it with you. And by the end of it, I just sort of feel bad for you. Some stranger came up and went, I lied on your deck. Don't look at me and never know my name. Were you... You could end up having a very

difficult relationship with sex after that. Is that what it's always like? I think, Adam, if we ask the listeners for their virginity stories, I think we have accidentally tripped onto an absolute bevy of cringey, fucking awkward, horrible stories

yes mate virginity stories mine was on Steph Gorton's parents living room floor while she and I made the worst type of love while Boys in the Hood was on and I didn't even come why was Boys in the Hood

I didn't even watch it why would you lose your virginity to very I remember the song that was on in the club while I was even watch it why would you lose your virginity to very I remember the song that was on in the club while I was fucking it was I want you back by the Jackson 5

straight to God she was riding me dickens when I had you to myself I didn't want you around those pretty faces

always made you stand up in the crowd or someone picked you from the box Do you get PTSD every time? Hey, family wedding Adam's crying again

Tell the DJ to skip it on Tell him to skip it on to something less offensive Give me that whoop whoop Hee hee At Virginity Stories guys please have a word pod at gmail.com it's gotta be some awful ones

I think Jockey's a fucking great guy to suck off by the way if you're gonna be forced to do it I think Jockey on the back foot there I think that was an absolutely belting answer is this dick not gonna smell a bit like horse though that is a no I think that was an absolutely belting answer. Is this dick not going to smell a bit like horse, though? Ah, that is a...

No, this is a good saddle. It'll be leathery. And if anything, that's what you want. What's your third one? Cheeky pube trimmer. Jockey. Who else would you like to suck off? Name that job!

Dan Nightingale, we're looking for an answer from you. You have given us jockey. You have given us pube trimmer. We need a third man that you would like to suck the dick of in five, four, three, two, fuck the one. Give us now. Guy at the M6 toll road.

two fuck the one give us now guy at the m6 toll road i want to drive on the posh motorway around birmingham i honestly that's how bad driving on the old m6 into past birmingham is i would rather scoot around with no traffic with jizz on my fucking brow than fucking have to deal with I could just pay the six pound but yeah M6 tall roll guy I mean you'd create quite a queue give me a minute you were going to tell me something about your virginity come on tell me another harrowing tale

I was going to tell you about the time I snapped my banjo the fuck you haven't got a banjo have you because you've been snipped I think you've still got a banjo though haven't you hey you have you got a banjo

I think I've still got a banjo? I think I've still got a banjo. What keeps it up? Have you ever snapped it? No, mate! It's as if I'd be like, I think I've got a banjo. I'd know, wouldn't I? I'd have a reconstructed banjo.

It honestly was so harrowing. So it was at my first girlfriend., you should think of me like a princess, that one, right? Now, she lived in the attic. No, it was a conveyance attic. It was a bedroom. She wasn't just Sean and Frank in it.

When you fucked her, she was like shh be quiet she's like god you really commit to this she wasn't just shoved next to the Christmas decorations she lived in the attic she wasn't a pretty girl I want to have sex take your chain off

fish heads everywhere oh god I want to have sex with you, Adam. Well, would you take your chain off? Fish heads everywhere. Oh, God. So, her bed was positioned right above her mum and stepdad's bedroom. Awkward as fuck.

But one, what we do sometimes to avoid that at the bed we just put like the quilt on the floor and fuck on the floor oh where's the applause it's a it's a textbook move in it it's a textbook move me and laura's do that occasionally now it's like oh god she might wake up just that weird floor duvet bang oh it's brilliant fun but what had happened was we started fucking on the bed and it went a bit noisy we should move to the floor and we tried to move with me still inside her right terrible mistake oh awful so as we got onto the floor um i just felt like on the top of what like where me banjo is obviously it was Oh, awful. So as we got onto the floor,

I just felt like on the top of where my banjo is, obviously it was snapping. I now know my banjo was snapping. It just felt like someone had pinched my dick. That's all it felt like. It wasn't like anything... The pain wasn't horrendous. It just felt like someone had just given a little pinch on my dick like, you've been a naughty boy.

Come here. Right? Wow, your Catholic school was straight, wasn't it? You know, just like primary school, you've been a naughty boy. Go and see Sister Chantel. Pinch. We were having light and we were having dark sex. It was all off.

So couldn't see anything. We just carried on fucking, right? And then about five minutes later, I did swear. What? What are you laughing at? We just carried on fucking, right? And then about five minutes later, I said to her, What? What are you laughing at? How long have you been joking, stop that! About five minutes at this point.

Fuck! Do you know what happens when you snap your banjo? How much blood have you lost at this point? Oh, mate. So I actually said to her, you're really wet tonight, right? As you were feeling a bit lightheaded. We turned the light on

and it looked like the back room of a bunch of... There was blood everywhere everywhere and when I say everywhere I mean everywhere like your dick is not sort of like well we'll just spray the blood in this direction your dick is just it's like a you know if you've got

your garden hose on full whack and you throw it on the grass and it just starts spraying wherever it wants it was still doing that five minutes later okay because I'm I'm fully erect um spraying whatever it wants. It was still doing that five minutes later. Okay. Because I'm, I'm fully erect. Um,

and it's just spraying blood constantly. So when she turned the lights on, she screamed like a woman in a movie who just witnessed a murder. So her mum and her stepdad are now banging on the fucking bedroom slash attic door what the fuck's going on in there she's like I'm fine I'm fine but she's crying her eyes out which means her mum's like she's obviously not fine she's not fine

her mum never liked me at all so she's like what the fuck's going on in there Adam what have you done to my daughter and I'm just there with a bleeding dick just spraying everywhere. And I'm like, she's fine, I swear to God. And she's like, mum, go away. I swear to God, I'm fine.

So a moment, they stepped, I did fuck off. She was like, I swear to God, mum will come talk to you in a bit. But then we had to then clean her bedroom up, like cleaning up a murder scene. And it took us like three hours. And then she was like, oh, Adam, you'll be fine. We'll go to the walk-in center tomorrow

and we'll find out what it is. But you know when you're a fucking, I was like 20 or something, and you think you've broke your dick. It's very hard to get a few hours sleep. So I just stayed awake for the whole time, just staring at the ceiling. And the next day we went to place,

and the doctor used the term banjo. He said, you've snapped your banjo lad that's what's happened don't have sex for like two weeks and should be sound that was it is that all that happens

you just have to have two weeks off yeah it's like a hamstring injury you'll miss the cup final but you'll be back for the champions league oh jeez You'll miss the cup final, but you'll be back for the Champions League.

Oh, Jesus. Now then, everyone, let's have a quick word about Vauxhall Comedy Club in that there London town. Now, obviously, there is a fucking pandemic going on. No one's going comedy for a while. But as soon as they are, if you live anywhere near London, if you're down visiting in London and you fancy some stand-up some of the

best comics in the world will be playing Vauxhall Comedy Club which is surprise to fucking prize in Vauxhall so basically they've helped the podcast out massively by sponsoring

it in our time of need and when we're out of the fucking bunker when we do our first live tour of this podcast the have a word show for London will be at the Vauxhall

Comedy Club if you're down there and you fancy seeing some stand for London will be at the Vauxhall Comedy Club. If you're down there and you fancy seeing some stand-up after the apocalypse, give Vauxhall Comedy Club a try. In the meantime, give them a follow on Instagram at Vauxhall Comedy Club,

on Twitter at Vauxhall Comedy, and on Facebook, they're just Vauxhall Comedy Club. Join the mailing list so they can tell you when they're reopening and what they're doing. It's voxel comedy club.com

adam's already played this room i'm really looking forward to playing it they do a bottomless booze ticket on a friday and saturday night you get 90 minutes of stand-up excellent tv comedians up-and-coming talent and also bottomless beer and wine there's a spirit and mixer ticket for 35 quid there's just entry for 10 be a good egg give them a little follow and we'll see you there after all this shit has blown over voxel comedy club that's it you are listening to the funniest podcast in the game it's have a word with adam rowe and dan nightingale it's time for have a word with adam and dan you send us the problems you have with your friends

and we'll solve them for you. Do whatever it is you want to do. Jesus Christ. Right lids. Need you to have a word with myself. I basically just need a bit of advice.

During the lockdown boredom, I saw a bird. That's a girl for anyone who doesn't know the vernacular. I saw a bird on Insta, which is Instagram for anyone who doesn't know the vernacular. All right. Who I thought was fit. I sent her a message complimenting her.

Creepy. Unexpectedly, she replied to the message and we got chatting. Now, a week or so later, we've been chatting all the time and got very deep she's got a boyfriend but it's on the ropes their relationship isn't gonna last she sent me nudes and I've sent her some of mine

fuck and she's talking very deeply about feelings and actually getting together with me we live miles away and to be honest lads I don't actually want a relationship I just thought she had a good arse. I do kind of like

her, but I don't want to lead it on. I kind of need to sack her, but every time she messages, I always keep telling her lovey-dovey shit. I'm 20 and she's 23. Could you tell me straight, what should I do? Cheers, lids. Joe. Do you want me to start? i'd marry her i'd marry her she sounds like everything you read out there sounds to me like you know just like everything

about like how you want to tell your grandkids the story of how you met, you know, Nana? How did you... Grandad, how did you meet Nana? Let me tell you a story. Well, here's the thing. It was 2020, and we weren't allowed out the house. So I sent her a message and said, you've got a lovely arse, you love. Have you got a boyfriend? And she said, yeah, but he's doing me fucking

head injury during lockdown. So I said, here's a picture of me dick. She said, here's me tits. Then she left her. Then I got with her. She cheated on me eight times, but I couldn't afford to leave her. Anyway, you want Rice Krispies? Taylor's oldest time.

Christ all fucking mighty. How bored are people? How bored are people? I know it it's not easy i know it's not easy people are going through this shit and if you're used to going out and trying to bang talking about memory boxes and trying to get laid this is a this is difficult isn't it because you're like fuck i can't do the thing i want to do but that doesn't mean you should just be like fucking blanket bombing people's insides.

Nice ass. Because any mental that's like, who's daft enough to be like, do you know what? I'm in shutdown and I'm a little bit,

you know, I'm short of attention. And that is such a nice compliment because I too have a nice bum. And I think he just really saw something

in me then when he said that. Fucking hell. Run a mile, mate. What would you do if like a 10, and I mean a 10, Victoria's Secret model level shit slid into your DMs on Twitter and was like, look, I love the podcast. I don't want anything serious.

I live in California. Of course I do. I'm fit as fuck okay yeah now i'll never tell your wife go but i just want to send you the occasional picture of me fanny oh yeah and i want to be your dick yeah what would you do can she dance yeah i'd ask for a dancing video first i mean that'd be the the next thing i'd be like can i can you show me a dance vid and i'll be like pow pow pow pow pow pow i'll be like fuck she's got flavor do you dance again do you dance again that's you know flavor and then i'd be like yeah Send me a picture of your vagina that I could see in any one of any porn star or amateur porn star or dirty girls fucking Twitter. I could see on any website.

And why would I? What are you even on about? Who the fuck wants an inbox full of amateur flange? Who the fuck wants an inbox full of amateur flange? I've got a fucking laptop full of fucking professional flange. I do not need a Facebook messenger full of divorce-causing fucking pussy. I've got a laptop of absolutely ethically sound pro no mate who wants honestly i i never want to send i would i would feel very uncomfortable sending a dick pic of mine that far i mean my dick and i'm not you're never gonna see it you're never gonna see adam but my dick

is like it's within you know like it's got to be within the postcode it can't go any further it's just not a dick it's not mine my dick is never playing a european fixture it's playing local county sunday league dick pic that it's all it's good for it's never playing europe fixtures. It's just not up to it. Can't send my dick to America. I might start a fucking diplomatic incident. Oh. Hey.

Does Laura know that you watch porn? Yes, mate. Yeah. So, would she be more pissed off with you getting sent a vagina than just searching for one that that's genuinely it like obviously i'm riffing there to try and be funny but i i absolutely mean that she found this is how this is terrible she she found my search history because her mum found my search history I like a moron I've got this laptop, it's my laptop

she has a laptop and then her laptop's not been working this is about a year ago and I've just been so in the mould of this is my laptop, I can do what the fuck I want and there's like a couple of months overlap where Laura occasionally was using my laptop. My mother-in-law and my father-in-law were staying and I just hadn't tuned

into the, you delete your history game. Oh, we've all been there, brother. There's something particularly special about your mother-in-law typing into the Google search bar that, you know,

like the, the, the Google search bar that, you know, like the, the, the website address bar, the first three or four letters of what, of what she wants to find and having, having lesbian Bukkake slash porn hub be the first search result. So, so lesbian Bukkake.

Merry Christmas, my friend merry christmas oh jesus hey you your saturday night just got about fucking 25 more interesting um it's it i think it's just being an adult in it it's being a grown-up if i've heard i hear stories of that lads are like my missus don't let me watch porn she says it's like mentally cheating you're insane mate you're insane it's just natural just let let it out relieve them relieve it i've just googled lesbian bukkake porno and the first one that has come up is lesbian Bukkake 7. Will I understand that if I haven't seen the first 6? Who's

drinking? Guys, guys, I'll tell you what about COVID-19 and the coronavirus shutdown. You come out of it and you're like, I'll tell you what, you're Mrs and the coronavirus shutdown. You come out of it and you're like, tell you what, you miss it. Bloody winds you right up.

Who's drinking? And I tell you what, I saw a porn film the other day and it was Big Fat Cocks 7. I wonder if I'll get the story because I've not watched the first six. Fritzl.

Brexit. Corona. Oh, it's an hour and a half long. Yeah, you have to do it in sittings, don't you? Yeah, she does know I watch porn does is jade all right with it yeah we watch it together fuck off fuck off what do you mean fuck off have i said this on the on the podcast before and if i if i have forgive me and i am sort of doing material because i've said it on stage laura watches porn and i've

known about it right from the off i have never asked her what type of porn she wants to watch because i don't think it's going to be good for my confidence because it's definitely not short tubby white guy porn is it i just don't need to know i am fine with her watching it but let an air of mystery just surround it. Because if I know the details, it's going to freak me the fuck out. But what if you're into the exact same stuff? Yeah.

But what if she's into like, you know, like five foot eight, hairy Yeti looking fucking Yosemite cat wearing scouse comedian porn. I don't know. There's just so many. And you've got my phone number, baby. Fucking hell, I love this banjo snap porn.

I don't know. It's just, it's. You don't watch it together, do you? Please tell me. If Laura had recently started watching porn that looked like me, wouldn't that bother you? Honestly, if it was black gangbang porn, that would make more sense to me

than watching a fucking barrel cunt like you. It would be so fucking upsetting to me. If she was like, what I'm into is dog fart. Have you seen the website Dog Fart? It's where eight potential murderers uh legally abuse some poor woman for 400 if she said that's what i'm into i'd be like well flight flights of fancy if she was like what i'm really into is 28 year old overweight light bud drinking fucking comedians with unnervingly hairy eyebrows. That's

what I'm really into. You know what I'd find that more upsetting? Because you have in your eyebrows more hair than I've got on my whole fucking body and I'd find it... I would find it literally... Oh god.

See if Jade was watching like bald Scandinavians with eyesight problems and is this a soul patch? Is that what it's called? Is that what you've got as a beard? I don't know what's going on with me at the moment. Through boredom I've just started shaving.

Yeah if that's what she's into then I accept it as long as she's willing to watch it with me she accepts my midgets the donkey bit no no no no all joking aside listen we've had comedy here

we're fine have you really watched porn together we do it every Thursday night shut the fuck up 8pm 8pm 8pm 8pm on Thursday the nation claps

for the NHS what they don't know is that Adam Rowe and Jade's house that's not clapping that you can hear I say Thursday night it's technically Friday morning. 1am. Shut up, you fucking bell. Where's the bell? Where's the lying bell?

There it is. Adam's lying. I'm not lying. Oh, come on. Have you watched porn together? Yes. What porn? Did you start with Soft and then build up?

One week I bring the film, another week Jade brings the film. Where are you getting it from? Dirty Blackbusters? Blackbusters. There's some... I wish I'd not said it. There's some adult stories in the world, there's some you can get online

And there's some times we just stream it Right Are you making me feel hot? Adult stores Could you imagine going to Fuck you know We go together, we take the dog... Shut up, you dickhead!

Minnie the Minstrel! You'll get a weird film if you say that in a fucking adult show! Minnie the Minstrel! No, we don't do that anymore, son. We don't do that anymore son we don't do that anymore that's fuck you that's unethical that oh god yeah we do do everything it's nice i can get jade in here to clarify if you want right now right now 100 i want to wrap if you get Jade in, I will be... Right, I'll buy you next cap.

I'll buy you next cap. Go on. Jade? Oh, yes, guys. Would you come here in a sec, please? Please, Jade. Come on. Does she know you're drinking?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. I think Laura would need about fucking 19 Feminax before she came in here to do banter. So I've told Dan that we watch porn together every Thursday night, like one in the morning, and he doesn't believe me. Will you tell him, please, that I'm not making this up? Please.

She's not laughing. Yeah, I like weekly schedule. What is going on? weekly schedule what is going on Jade what's going on well some things Adam won't let me do so I can at least watch it with him oh my god I'm gonna get dick fucked

Jade Jade you know this happens at comedy clubs when people say something and it's a joke and then their friends laugh like oh that's so mental you've not laughed once since since adam's like yes thursday night it's porn night yeah yeah what was that idea right okay good could you talk could you talk us through the logistics of it? Have you ever been to an adult shop together? Yeah, not as often.

I go on meetings most of the time. Oh, yeah, yeah, it's just a solo shop. I get embarrassed. Yeah, does he get embarrassed? Yeah. All right, cool. What's the name of the shop? What's your favourite adult shop?

What's the name of that one? The one in town. Oh, the one in town. What's that called on London Road in Liverpool guys are we not joking are you actually being serious

100% yes just upset me nasty bitch oh my god you kinky little fuckers

thanks babe you're welcome we appreciate you helping us out there. And we had a bet then that if you come and confirm that for me, Dan's going to buy Mimi next hat. It's not true. Oh, yes, Jade!

Woo! Because you don't want me to have a new hat. He's got so many hats. I really don't want any more. They never fit his head. She's lying now because she doesn't want me to have a new hat your work here is done no it's not Jade

Dan wants you seriously though have you ever watched porn together every Thursday night shut the fuck up Adam Seriously though, have you ever watched porn together? Every Thursday night at 1am. Shut the fuck up, Adam. Jade, have you ever watched porn with him? I don't think so.

See, Jade. Not that I remember. You'd remember. Well, guess what we're doing on Thursday now oh fucking hell I had you as well I had you and she was so on board with it until I mentioned the fucking hat you

did not have me Jade who I will never play poker with fucking had me it was like did you message her on whatsapp or something no she she rolled in there like she just spends her life doing improv she rolled in like it was the noise next door and she was like yeah give me a mckay what am i

all right i'm a dirty girlfriend that watches porn you were like babe tell him that we watch porn every thursday and she didn't even like she didn't even smirk she looked straight through the fucking laptop camera went yeah yeah of course yeah every thursday go to the shop in town she wasn't even like laughing she's got the control of either an incredible actor or a fucking murderer. Oh, laugh of all you want, mate. But when your body is on the floor and she's fucking murdered you and then snapped your banjo string just before the blood started pumping

and the police turn up, they'll fucking believe her. Let's have a word from our sponsors at Vauxhole Comedy Club. Have we already done that bit? We've done it! We've done it! We've fucking done it!

We've fucking done it! Do you want to play it again? I thought that was the end of the middle bit. This has been a fucking... I was really worried about 40 minutes ago. I was like, this hasn't been as fun as this one. This hasn't been as silly. Oh, okay.

It was coming. Have you ever watched porn with a girl me and jay doing everything oh shut up i remember watching porn with a girl called beth and she was like i've never watched porn i put one on it was only about 18 19 and uh she started crying for the least it was awful it was a i don't know what I expected it to be, but she was like, oh, it's offensive. She just found it really upsetting.

I was like, yeah. Because in reality, now I'm seeing it through your eyes. It probably is. It probably is to a normal person. You're like, what the fuck? Oh, God. Do you ever watch a bit of porn?

And then as soon as you've come you have to like shut your laptop screen because you're just like I can't keep watching that now that it's gone I'll go you want better than that do you ever do that and then in the morning you wake up you go for a shower you feel like a new person you've had a full night's sleep

you it's the morning you can hear your daughter playing downstairs and you fucking turn Twitter on and you're like, oh, oh, Jesus. Turn Twitter on? You watch porn on Twitter? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What? Yeah, I love a bit of Twitter porn. What do you mean? I love Twitter porn. Does porn on Twitter? I'm a dick fuck, so I fucking can't take any fucking more that was on twitter yeah that's not porn oh sorry yeah yeah yeah that's fucking jackanory oh god sophie anderson she wasn't getting dick fucked she was talking about

future dick fuckings wasn't she all alright all porn stars absolutely all porn stars and we're talking lower league we're talking voxel why did you just take a selfie of yourself I didn't I was checking something you it really looked like you took a selfie of yourself yeah man

that's awful oh babe you're right did you not like it I deleted it you need more Bud Lights because you know they're healthy well they're healthy aren't they

all porn stars have twitter accounts all porn production companies have Twitter accounts. And all perverts have Twitter accounts. And, you know, it's quite fun. Okay, cool. I'm going to go and check some out in a bit. Can I tell you something?

Actually. Can I tell you something? Could I go and have a wank and come back? What went like when I went to the toilet? like when i went for a poo the other day it probably took about two months time oh three minutes four um yeah i have a separate twitter account for looking at porn what's the what's the at for your other Twitter? I just literally made up a name. So what is it? No, I'm not saying.

Why? At your ma. No, go on, tell us. No. Why? Because everyone will follow it. I won't follow it. Everyone will follow it!

It's a private thing! It's Dad's little twitter wanky time look I won't follow it and you can cut it out the episode just tell me what

it is you can fucking oi Thursday night check it on I'll tell you what I'll tell you on Thursday night

when you're hanging out with Jade having your group wank tell me what it is no you are evil do you know why do you know why i've got the twitter account because i went to bahrain in the course of about

two three years i did so many navy gigs for for oh god it like awful going over to bahrain and you're in these amazing hotels and because it's like oh it's barren muslim country and they don't have you can't get on porn but they've not bothered to think about twitter so that's when it started five six seven years ago i was like wow twitter is the only thing that you can actually see porn up that's where it started it's when you wake up when you wake up some mornings and you're like oh just check my email check check my email, check Facebook, I'll check Twitter, and then it's still up from the night before. Oh, my God.

You're like, I am a disgusting person. Who's your favourite porn star? Bella Donner, but she's retired. Bella Donner? I don't know her. Oh, she was great. She was great. This is not a podcast anymore

one of my biggest fears is like being on twitter and liking something or like retweeting it and then i'm on the have a word account so no this was not your favorite oh she's great the tattoo on the chest tattoo on the chest brunette tattoo on the chest gap in the teeth yeah she was a talented she looks like she works in fucking Greggs yeah she was the Kevin Bridges of porn 10 years ago

oh Jesus I mean I'm going to have a go at it later but you know try and find some Bella Donner stuff I just found a whole page on Pornhub oh really okay fair enough didn't realise you had premium Try and find some Bella Donner stuff. Bella Donner. I just found a whole page on Pornhub. Oh, really? Okay, fair enough. I didn't realise you had premium. Yeah, you go for free.

Right, it's gone to shit. This has gone to shit. This is awful. Awful, but I've really enjoyed myself. Okay. You might as well have the last five minutes. No, I don't think people want us to Today's band is called 14 Reasons

Their song is called End of Me Their socials are facebook.com slash 14reasonsofficial And their Instagram is at 14reasons That's the song I'm going for a wank I'll see you on Monday. Bye Felicia. Bye Felicia. You will see Everything in life is complicated

Makes no sense to me Read between the lines now You make your own destiny Building up the walls around me No chance of breaking free So how did you know This could be the end of me I can't get out, I cannot breathe, I am all alone. How did you know I needed you to guide me? I locked the doors to set you free free I needed you the most

Things are clearer now I've opened up my eyes Life's an ever-changing combination That you'll never figure out Building up the walls around me Maybe I can get out and break free So how do you know this could be the end of me? Can't get out, I cannot breathe, I am all alone

How did you know I needed you to guide me? Out of the dark to set me free, I need a view to know Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I can't, I can't breathe I am all alone How did you know I needed you to guide me From the dark to set me free I needed you the most Needed you the most Needed to the most.

Needed to the most.