Hello From The Magic Tavern - 35 - Earth Stuff

Episode Date: October 30, 2015

Earth. Stuff.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt Young Benedict Whisperbrew: Brendan DowlingOtok Barleyfoot: Nick BaerMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Chris RathjenTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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They asked us not to read an ad. Enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of fun I'm your host Arne and E. Camp. If this is your first time listening to the podcast, a little over half a year ago, I fell through a magical dimensional portal behind a Burger King into the magical land of fune, and luckily I still get a slight Wi-Fi signal through the portal from the Burger King,

and I use that to upload a podcast that I record here in the tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur, in the town of Hogsface, in the land of fune. Joining me, as always, are my co-hosts Chunt the Talking Badger Bingbong. Is that a new, is that a new catchphrase Chunt? Oh I'm just saying stuff. Just not everything I see has to be a catchphrase. That's true. So you're saying you'll never again say Bingbong? No, Chunt's up with that. Alrighting Bong. Oh yeah baby. And I'm also joined by... I am Usador, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow,

Minipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Holes of Trucks, The Elves Nobius... The Elves Nobius... The Dolves Nobius, Zone of New Extangies, and... I am nood in the Northeast as just when it's me star. And there may be other secret names you do not know yet, names so filled with magical portent that they would fry your eyeballs for the inside out. Holy cow. Yes, fry my eyeballs. Oh, yes, they would catch a flame within the center and burn out from the inside Towards this outside from the inside towards the outside

From the inside toward the outside and then as flame Shut the bird from the eye suckets where your eyeballs used to be you at scream Why did you say that powerful name? Why did you put this burden upon me you said oh with the twelfth realm of Ephesians why have you damned me to this sightless state ping-bong oh my eyes ping-bong you know I'm kind of liking the ping-bong wowie-owie ping-bong uh you know before we go any further I know normally don't do this. I usually we do the emails at the end of the episode, but I kinda wanna read one of the emails that we've gotten from one of our listeners recently.

If you wanna send us emails, you can send them to Magic Tavern at puppies.supplies. Wow, what an exciting turn of events. You really flipping the show in its head, huh? I know, completely in the episode. Maybe we'll just do our regular banter then at the end of the show instead of at the beginning Arnie you said some time ago that you would do an earth episode and I eagerly await this the reactions of your friends over the bits and pieces

You've shared have been priceless. I think they deserve to know more about where you come from Perhaps it would help clear up some of the cultural misconceptions you've run into Thanks and have DQ back again as a guest soon. I see toes from Alaska the frozen land of the cultural misconceptions you've run into. Thanks and have DQ back again as a guest soon. Icy Toes from Alaska, the frozen land of the North. PS, I'm sure that Sarah has not moved on and that she shows your photo to your daughter and tells her stories of you every night. Us, Earthwives are pretty great that way. Oh, thank you so much, Icy Toes.

PPS, Shunt, I think, two buttholes is plenty and more than that, you're just being greedy. Mind your bizz, bing bong. It's so sad when you beat someone living in an illusional state. Well, well, Icy Toes, thank you so much, and thank you for that bit of kindness about my wife and daughter. That means a lot. And because of that, you're in luck.

Icy Toes, you said you love Earth stuff, and you love DQ. So we are going to do an Earth stuff episode. And our special guest is not DQ. It's Benedict Whisper, bro. Hello, it's so wonderful to be back. Hello, Benedict, how have you been? Well, thank you, Guest Mournius. If I want to be honest, I have not been doing very well. Oh, no, no, Benedict.

Yeah, I think if you remember, last time I was here, I was trying to get Arnie to be to Tenea's consort for the dance of the satiety at Hippogruth. Yeah, and just for new listeners, you work for the King and the North and the Queen and the North. Well, that's examined the verb tense we're choosing.

I used to be the court-unic for Queen Tatanya, and when I returned to court, empty-handed, without that great as specimen of man meat, that is, Arny, she flew into such an orgy-estic rage that I was swiftly demoted to adjunct Unic and which means I go back to Unic classes I have to take Unic's level one through three and then I have a chance I have a chance to audition to be court-unic at the end of next term. Oh, God. Now, if we may take a moment to break down the story, I have one question. Absolute, and I have multiple answers. Oh, God. He said that your news caused her to have an orgy-astic rage.

Yes. How was that? It was frightening and all-consuming to watch. Every fiber of her finely crafted being flew into such a pleasure-filled rage that she clumped every living organism into a desiccate heap at its conclusion after seven hours. Wow, wow. Seven hours! Yes, she is, Tadanya. That's what you passed up on. Yes, that's too much. They would have killed me. Well, I hope your relationship with Sarama her was worth it with who? Sarama her your wife. Sarah my her my wife. That's Sarama her. Yes, but what am I saying? You're saying Sarama her It's more separated. I think we're saying the same thing Sarah Sarah Mahir. No, I think we're saying Sarah Mahir.

That's what I'm saying. So, no Mahir. I believe it might be actually pronounced Sarah Raw, Raw-Camp. No, I think much like Arnion Sarah themselves, you have to separate Sarah and Mahir. Oh. And never have them come back together.

No. I think that's the way you say it. Well, anyway, I, a pronunciation aside, I am currently on a leaf of absence. I've lost all courtly benefits and I'm just taking some time to, to other countryside and re-evaluate what it is I want to do with my life. Did you re-attach your... Yes, oh thank you so much for asking, chanteas.

As you know, I do keep my genitalia in a mason jar filled with evintias and I haven't reattached it yet, but I'm considering it. I'm leaving my options open. Yeah, you do you. I really stuck on, so are you leaning towards ununiquing yourself? You know what? I know it has really asked me that and I haven't had to ask myself that yet. Only if that makes any sense. So, I have a lot...

Before I was a unique, my passion was the short story. And I would often write, guess what I mean is, you might remember, I would often write... I was well known for writing the shortest stories in all of food sometimes they'd be a letter sometimes they'd do a sound you know and I was nominated for a lot of national phony and literary awards that's very true what was the sound that you get nominated for that that went like this And it's about an Elven Widow who comes to terms with the fact that her husband's not coming back from the Elvish armies of the Seventh Realm, and she is going to give herself permission to finally embark on that relationship with the Centaur Tema that she has had this late inflatation with.

Wow, it's a lot of subtext. Yes, the one that always sticks with me is the one that went. Oh, and you know what, that short story got banned in over 72% of libraries in food. Really? Yes, it did, but just because it dealt with an erotic frankness. Yes, it's very frank. It was very anti-war.

Yes, obviously. People thought it promoted a pro-humanistic approach to life. Well, I'll tell you what, even though it was banned, I feel like I always hear people reading it, because sometimes if I'm at the pre-million minutes or I walk by at one of the doors, where people are sitting, and I just hear over and over like so I'm like people are reading it a lot to their kids or to

oh that's a lot of the... yeah look for it look for your new local library you know the shortest short story that I know of on earth the most famous short story that tells a whole story and I believe it's Ernest Hemingway oh we're finally gonna hear some rest of that. Yeah, this is some rest of that. Yeah, I'm so glad I'm here. It was about to ask.

Uh, is, um, I believe the, how the story, the short story goes is, baby shoes for sale, uh, never worn. Wow, so this has been worth the wait. Oh, great. I love that honor. That has, that has expanded my concept of literature because it's about a baby whose feet are so big that some thoughtless person has given them too small baby shoes

in the parents' house like, no, thank you. We can't fit these doll shoes on our baby. Wait, can you say the story again? Well, okay. Could you just say one more time? Okay, this is the Ernest Hemingway. Just say baby. Wait, can you say the story again? Well, okay. Could you just say one more time? Okay, this is an urn-a-time thing. Just say it. Yeah, baby shoes for sale never worn.

Great, so the baby died. Yeah. Yeah, that's the subject of the story. I guess it's a cartoon. I think the baby just had a really large, you know how sometimes you have to go to a baby shower here in Foon and you're like, oh, I'm going to get them a lizard slip and then you realize the baby doesn't have a lizard tongue and you feel terrible that you showed up to the shower with a completely inappropriate gift.

I believe the interpretation of the story goes like this. The shoes were gifted to a family and then the shoes tried to devour the baby. For they were imbued with a dark magic and before they ever put the shoes on the baby's feet, they put them up on smegs list. That happened to a cousin of mine. She had a baby and someone gave her the baby devouring shoes. And good thing she checked the tags or else those shoes would have eaten the baby.

I mean it's a wonderful gift if you want your baby to be devoured. Yes. And some people do and there's no judgment. Well there should be a little bit of judgment. Right? If you want your baby to be devoured, there should be some judgment for that. Like I'm open minded, I'm very open minded. But that seems stuff too far.

I'm gonna take a stand on that one. I'll have to reflect on that. If your baby, no baby is evil. On earth, so let's get into some of the other stuff. No baby is evil. On earth there's no evil babies. There are no evil babies on earth. Can I ask you a question, Arnold?

You and as a father, as someone who's accepted gifts for your baby, what are gifts that you like to receive and what are gifts that you don't like to receive? Oh, you know, that's a good question. I love to receive clothes for the baby, but usually the thing I've noticed is that people will give you a lot of clothes for the size of the baby is now. It's much better to get clothes for a little further on. Yes, like a business suit for when the baby is interviewing for positions. No, not that, not that.

Like a underwater breathing apparatus for when the baby goes scuba diving. No, I'm just thinking like, you know, six months forward, where some, you're not getting as many gifts. So, I read Baldo. Yes, so your baby's back in the head is protected. So has this been a problem for you for the last eight months? Well, no, I mean I haven't been able to see my daughter because I'm trapped in an alternate reality. And that is not your fault. That is not my fault. Thank you, Benedict. Well, do you guys have any questions? Yeah, questions. Yeah, okay. Let him. So many questions. Let him.

What is, so what is on earth before you got here? What was like a typical day on earth? Well usually I have to get up in the middle of the night and feed the baby because at the time, well walk me through your day on earth for the moment you wake up until the minute you arrive in. Okay. From that day? Yeah, that day.

Oh boy. Alright, so I got up, I fed the baby. And do you have the aquarium of salt teens ready at the baby's crib to feed her? The aquarium of salt teens. Yeah, what do you feed your baby? We feed the baby, we feed the baby. We feed the baby either breast milk.

From a goat? No, from my wife, actually. Either directly she feeds the baby or we have a sort of pumping apparatus that will remove the breast milk and so that you can use it later if the woman is is Inavailable You said that so clinically well no, yeah, I mean it's you just say the mom said if the woman is not available sounds so clinical I Guess I was trying to universalize sterile. I guess I'm trying to universalize my experience so you guys can understand all earth stuff,

not just my earth stuff. That's one, because I'm not a father, so I would not understand that. I'm just shocked that you don't have a querying full of saltine to the baby. No, no, we feed, or sometimes you feed like a mixture, it's like fake milk, I guess. It's called formula.

It's just like powder that you mix with water. Like equations. No, it's not like a math thing. Yes, so the baby can be smart. Okay, I'll just say yes. Sometimes, my cousin, she whispers mathematical formulas into her infant's ear, and now that baby is discovering planets. Wow.

I actually have gotten a lot of emails about space for some reason. People really want to know about what your guys' concept of space is in Funa. I kind of just assumed you don't want to talk about thing stuff. Okay fair enough. Alright this is our stuff episode. So you fed the baby. I fed the baby, then usually I'll see if the baby can be put back down for a nap. I will brush my teeth. In Funa you wouldn't say put the baby back down. Because it sounds ominous. Yeah. Well, that's true. There's a lot of it. And then you take a nap?

No, no, the baby takes a nap. And then for like three seasons? For three seasons. How long do Earth baby sleep for? Oh gosh, not very long. Like in an hour at the most, it feels like, at that time. That's why there's so much child death. Because the baby sleep for three seasons?

Yeah, they just sleep through everything. And then you have to catch them up on what's happened and you have to be oh Oh, no one's aren't really doing that anymore. That was kind of a winter thing and now we're in summer and the babies are So confused and then you just get them up air shoes that devour something you're like I'm done with this I've Gathered some bits of earth knowledge from my twatting adventures. I Want to know what does an Elon Musk smell like? What does an Elon Musk smell like? Yes, what's an Elon Musk? You know, I gotta be honest.

What makes a Musk Elon? I think that's a person. I'm not 100% sure I know who that is. I don't understand all earth things. Like you guys probably don't know everything about food. Yes, I do. Well, let me, I have just for my timeline Twitter, my hour per day, a lot at a computer.

I have a two-part question. What is a Hamilton, and how do I get tickets to it? Okay, Hamilton, I'm trying to think from the time that I was on earth, all I really know about Hamilton is I know that there was a president name Hamilton. Okay. I don't know. Have you picked up more? I just know that everyone is possible that there was a president name Hamilton. There's some kind of historical figure. Like maybe a secretary of treasury. What's that?

I don't know. I don't know it. I don't know it very much about earth, but maybe it wouldn't be a president Hamilton, but a secretary of treasury named. You're just throwing up. You're just like, I'm just a metamorphosively,

the rest of the... The power of my imagination that helps me write those pretty short stories. Well, that's a great, you know, I'm very curious. This is one I don't know, but why not, just using context clues, what do you guys think Hamilton might be?

Oh boy, I don't know. Hamilton. Hamilton. He's going into his wizards, too. Shhh. Type of cookware. Oh, okay. The you will lose next to the ocean.

Hamilton Beach? Yes, exactly. The Hamilton. So any other any other earth saw or shaggle? I would Try to tell you're not gonna answer what the Hamilton is. I would think a Hamilton is a type of like Duel like maybe it's something wizards do is like you know take 10 paces and turn around and cast a spell We should shoot up if you do that. Yeah, like honorable. I'll meet you for a Hamilton Sounds like something you should or would scream at someone and Benedict. What do you think it is? I think it's a way to liquefy a pig

He like oh, oh this this pork is too solid. Let's get a ham melton. Oh Well done. Yeah, yeah, that would be so handy Yes, because sometimes I I want a pig, but I don't want to chew Exactly. I just want to Slip it to a straw and just for those of you at home keeping score We've asked our new three questions and so far he's turned it on us and I bet that I'm sorry Answer what we think it is rather than him telling me I have a question sure What what is courtship like on earth?

Oh, courtship. Well, you know, it's changed. It's evolved very quickly, like, over even just my lifetime. Like bacteria? Yeah, I guess so. So basically, you know, you see someone that you like and you kidnap them. You don't kidnap them. Yes, yes. No, I know that's something that wizards do a lot of. you like and you kidnap them. You don't kidnap them.

No, I know that's something that wizards do a lot of. No, yes, we kidnap each other, we churn into pieces of furniture, we disappear, we reappear, sometimes we immediately fly out of a room, just fly out the window, all of a sudden. You never know what you're going to get with a wizard. Well, on Earth, it's kind of complicated,

but there's a lot of technology involved these days. There's a lot of like sending a message. We have little boxes that are called phone. Well, you've seen my phone, but I love it. Normally, I'd be able to talk into it, and I would be able to send a message to the person I was courting, and we would talk on the phone. And so what are the things would you talk about?

And I know you're trying to universalize this for us, but for me it's so much more helpful if it's more personal. It speaks on the Arnold experience. Well, you know what? I am, I try to be a listener. I think that's the thing that a lot of men from my world don't do is I try to listen and ask questions. In the same way that I interview you guys, you know, when I'm courting a woman, I ask her questions about her life.

I knew he was trying to get us in bed. What she's interested in. And I just listen, like, get their story and sort of find out what they're all about. And then I would probably also talk probably too much about pop culture stuff. Like, I don't know if I've really explained what pop culture is. Like entertainment. Like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, Oh, he was marvelous in that. Oh, you've got to see it. Oh, at three nights in a row.

He should get a toss of that. He's nominated. And to get back to human courtship, also, you know, you just sort of try to, like, without being too cheesy about it, you throw in subtle hints that you're sort of attracted to them What are some? Ah, yes, let's hear these subtle hints Yeah, you can you start with subtle hints and then can you move on to unsettle hints? Sure more of me

subtle hints would be you know We're very subtle hints would just be like smiling at them a lot, but also just saying like, you're great, like telling them, you're great, or you are great. That doesn't seem that subtle. Our, you know, that their eyes look nice. Pretty thing, let me bear my teeth to you and compliment the color of your eyes. Yes, I can see color of your eyes. Yes, I can see why that would work. As I stare unwaveringly into your eyes, let me tell thee that I find them most becoming.

To be honest, guys, I've been married for a long time. I've been dating the same person for a long time before that. You should be married. I am not married. I'm not. You were dating before you were married. I was dating my wife before we were married. It has.

And then before her, I dated a few people before that. Ah, yes. What's a, what's a Houdini? What's a Houdini? I don't know. Oh, a Houdini. God, you don't know anything. No, no, no.

Chant, I think I've susted out. The reason Arnold has avoided talking about earth stuff He knows nothing about her. Okay. I do know who Dini I just realized I was thinking you were referencing a different who Dini Is there more than one who Dini on earth probably probably but the the the most famous who Dini on earth is a magician Which is sort of like Peter who Dini. That's the one I keep seeing on Twitter. Seven of Peter Houdini? Yes, that's what you're talking about, right? No, no, I'm talking about, you know, a hundred, I don't know exactly how long ago, there

was a magician which is like a wizard, but they don't really have power. And the President Hamilton say you cannot do your magic, Peter Houdini. Oh, Yes. So Houdini was like a famous, the most famous magician. And he would also, he would do tricks and illusions like he would try to escape from things. Like he put himself in a straight jacket and he would just make him a point.

Sort of like make out point. Like finding yourself trapped in a crystal coffin about to marry the man who wants to marry you. And then suddenly, with your great wizard-esque powers, replacing yourself with a plate of crocs. Yes. Also, though, one of the most notable things about Houdini is that he was killed.

Oh. Doing a trick. Oh, no. Yeah, he asked someone, he would always have someone punch him in the stomach, which I guess was an impressive. Is that a trick on earth? Yeah, is that a sexual thing? Should we do it here today? No, no, no, no, no, because of who Dean he died because of this he would normally like

Flex his stomach muscles in a way and then he forget that he got Oh, he had stomach muscles that we shouldn't put on you. It's never mind. No, I don't I don't We get back to the coach a question Yes, sorry, We got off track and you said that that you've been dating Sarama her for a while And I was just wondering how how did you and Sarama her meet were you both on a quest? Oh boy, this one is sort of tough to explain. No, we were working actually We we met on the job. Oh in a coal mine. No, no It was a really weird job.

Like we were both, I guess, sort of like a... Like Gally, Gally, Roas in a ship. No, we, eyes. We were doing something called like promotional work where a company, like a business will pay you money to do weird borderline embarrassing things to draw attention to their company. So we were paid, we had to paint our faces completely blue

and color of seduction. Is blue the color of seduction? Yes, yes. Come, absolutely. That's why he's used to door the blue. Oh, really? You better believe it. That's why all the women final were used to door the blue.

Wow. Yes, that is so true. Interesting. So your faces are painted blue. So our faces are painted blue and we are supposed to walk around the city drawing attention to ourselves and pretending to talk into the phones, like I was telling you before about talking on phones, and it was called talk to your blue in the face to promote how great these phones were.

And you know, we just got to talking to each other. Talk until you are so aroused with sexual prowess that you merely explode. Talk until your face is engorged with blood. Yes, exactly. I don't know much about advertising on Earth, but that sounds dumb as hell. I mean, I didn't seem like the wisest promotion of it.

And so now does everybody on earth use those phones because you did such a marvelous job of promoting them? Well everyone on earth does use phones more. But like the phones that you were talking about all those years ago. I have no idea how successful our promotion was. So you failed. We succeeded in falling in love.

Was that the thing you thought? And that's what they hired you for? That was not what they hired. That's mom, I think that's one of, I think too often, too often employers hire people and say, I want you to do a job. I want you to file these papers. I want you to kill this dragon.

Here's a task. And you, Arnold, you turned it around and you said, how can this employment opportunity benefit me personally in the love department? And I mean, if you just taking out the love part of it, that's kind of how work is on earth. Like people are sort of like, what can I do within the confines of this job

that will serve me? And you actually often get very resentful when your employer tries to impose actual work into your work day. And once you realize you were falling in love with Sarah, Ra, Cam. Sarah, Maher. Did you?

What sort of magical trap did you set for her? What kind of magical trap? I don't know. I mean, I think just my sparkling personality. Try again. One of the interesting things about romance on Earth is that sometimes courtship is not as direct. It's rarely sort of like asking someone out.

It's more kind of like being friends and then kind of like sideling into a relationship. So having a secret desire to trick them in the deity? I mean, that's a really crass way of saying it, but it's more sort of like, it's a safer position. You know, you're not as vulnerable if you're just sort of trying to be friends. You're not stating what you really want until you indirectly go, yes, yeah, I see, I see. And so you and Samaher, on your first date, what to do to you?

Well, I guess on our first official date, weirdly enough, we went to a theater in Chicago called the Davis Theater, which is a really terrible movie theater. It's sort of like seeing... I see you're trying to get sponsorship for the podcast right now. What up?

And we actually saw the movie, The Chronicles of Narnia, which is a movie kind of about a world sort of like Foon. Oh! Where sort of magical things happen. And there was... What sort of magical things happen in this story, oh boy, it's hard to remember. It's been quite a while. There was like a white witch and she was taking over the land and they had to get help from like potabola the the magnificent like who? Like

potabola the magnificent. Hundreds of years ago she was the ivory source of his and she tried to take over the land of food. And then a red tag group of orphans who had secreted themselves into a magical portal from a... That's a period of themselves? Yes, they'd entered a chifer robe in their dimension, and then they went I believe it was Picadillo the hoofed and he gave one of them Turkish fun time and and then they defeated Potabla the magnificent. Wow! Yes, it's in the history books. Well, well, well, you've tricked us into talking about a fantastic world instead of answering earth questions. But yes, Sarah was really excited to see this movie

that I was a little less interested in seeing, but as a gentleman, I agreed to go and see the movie that she wanted to see at the one of the cheaper movie theaters in town, and we had a nice time, and we went and had a few drinks afterwards, and that was our first date. That is going to get me through the cold nights of winter. Thank you for that tale of subtle atrocism.

How did you ask Sarah to marry you? Well, we had been living together for a while. And for a decade? No, but for several years. It was the baby born at this point. No, no, no, this is before the baby was born. And oddly, this also, you know, dating involves seeing a lot of movies or kind of like, sort of like plays. Why wouldn't you spend time talking to each other?

Because it's just easier to go see movies. But we went, we really loved this movie called It's a Wonderful Life, which is a very old movie. What, what is it about? Oh, tell us the plot. Okay, gosh. I love stories. Now I'm remembering why I always just don't want to talk about Earth stuff. So It's Wonderful Life is about a man named George Bailey, who is the nicest, greatest

guy in town. Oh, wonderful. He's the one that has the most potential, and it's like he's going to leave town and do great things. Oh, I love this. But sort of life kind of conspires against him to a certain extent, and he just keeps having to stay in town because he's so good-hearted and he helps people out.

Yes, just like you said, I'm a little blue. And he builds up like a bank, and he does so much for so many people in the town. Very true. But he always feels like he never, he always feels like he never gotta attain his feels like he never got to attain his potential. And then he loses a bunch of money, he loses everybody's money in one time.

Oh, no. And I thought you said he was a good guy. He is a good guy. Then why did he lose everyone's money? Well, it's like his brother or his uncle or something loses all the money in the town and he's really like stricken. He doesn't know what to do. So he decides I'm going to make it better and I'll get everybody's money back at the end. No, unfortunately, this is where it takes a surprisingly dark turn.

He decides to commit suicide. That's not a wonderful life. It is not a wonderful life. I run a tuddle. It is, and so he's about to commit suicide, but an angel appears. Why do all the movies on earth involve fantastical things that are here and found? You say Earth doesn't have, it seems like all the movies on Earth that you've talked about seem to have magic, whether it be a kid in a box in a closet or angels.

Maybe I'm an angel in the story, not George Bailey. Continue your story. Well, there's a lot of escapism on Earth. Like, we consider our own world boring. So this angel shows him what his life would have been like if he had never been born. And it's a horrible nightmare scenario. Like, it's the same town, but everyone's lives are terrible

and everyone's meaner. And he realizes that he's done a lot of good with his life. And then he wakes up. It's Christmas that I mentioned it was Christmas, which is a holiday we have. There's so much. I'm following. I do contextual clues. I'm able to get a semblance of the story. Yes. Well anyway, he he's he comes home and he's so happy and he kisses his children who he loves and realizes he would miss very much if he if he had never been born. And um wait, did you

And um, wait, did you... Do you hear that? What? The hog's face Bell is ringing. Oh. Ah, yes. The town Bell is ringing. Do you hear that? Yeah, I do.

And you know, in the movie they say that every time a Bell rings an angel gets his wings. You just tack that on because I said Bell. No, that's really a part of the movie. Every time a Bell rings a puppy dies. Oh, no. What are those invisible puppies? So the movie concludes this marvelous story about a man hamstrung by circumstance trapped in a place he desperately wants to get out of,

saddled with a family and a responsibility in new tend to Sarama her. What do you say? Well, we've seen that movie and really loved it. It was a nice time. And so then a year later, we were going to go see the movie. And I went down on one knee, which is what you do when you were a host. I was actually hurt.

Weirdly. I'd hurt my back. It's a really complicated story. I'd hurt my back at the time and so I was fascinating But I was worried that I you know when I went down on one knee that I wouldn't be able to get back up So I'd like the night before I'd practice in my bathroom like getting down on one knee to see that I could actually pull myself back up Can I see this? It's delightful as you thought it was gonna be. I think so many people just take for granted

being able to get on one knee. And good for you Arnold, for taking the time, say I'm going to go privately into my bathroom and attempt to do something. I might not be able to do. I love that. So where were you when you went down on this dangerous physical challenge?

And then what's a humidifier? Thank you so much for coming back, Benedict, and sharing Earth stuff episode with us. Thank you for having me in this period of transition for me. It was just wonderful to be with such a good support system. Thank you, Chuck. Didn't we just ask questions that you just ignored? Well, no, no, I didn't.

I really tried to answer them. You deflected a lot of them. I did, I guess I did deflect a lot. But it really makes me appreciate how much food stuff you guys share with me every time. And I'm realizing that some of the questions I ask are not that easy to answer. Not as easy as it looks, is it, Arnold?

And I'm sorry I didn't get through the whole story of my engagement and marriage. It's fine, I feel like a lot of it was probably fake. Like, our knee, knee camp got down on his knee. Like it just seems like a real story. It's all nuts. You know what? It's all as fantastical as it seems.

Every word is true. I thought it was one of the most romantic stories I've ever heard. Well let's see some emails here. I got an email to chuntadjima.com. That's chump with 60s. This is from Gavin St. Hours. Says, if Arnie ever does that Earth stuff episode,

he keeps promising you and Yusidor, ask him about something called professional wrestling, and it's one of our noble sports here on Earth, and I'm curious if you have anything like it in food. It's sort of like, it's just like slow fighting. It's theatrical fighting, where you just, people pretend to be characters, and they grapple with each other,

they roll around and they threaten each other beforehand and everyone knows it's fake but everyone pretends that it's real which is not entertaining. Like why would anyone want some piece of entertainment that you all know is fake but everyone doing it pretends is real. It does seem ridiculous, doesn't it? What it seems like a horrible idea. I, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. Like if something is fake, should we?

Should we? Don't pretend that it's fake. Why is, why, why, it's words. Wait, what about, I think we should start a, what is it called? Professional wrestling. Professional wrestling. Oh, as if a profession, but you've taken your job

to be wrestling weird. All right, I think we should eat Kam the Barbarian to do that. Absolutely. Yeah, I'm perfectly fit it for it. Yeah, I'm sure he would. You know, professional wrestling is one of those things in my world where it's like, it's looked down upon by a lot of people. But then a lot of people...

Made it. Who looks down at that? Well, really, I'm two by two. I mean, there are numerous, really, I'm two by two, probably do look down on it. But then a lot of people just love it so passionately and sometimes people enjoy it ironically and then people like love it as a kid so they decide to keep loving it into adulthood.

Who is your favorite professional wrestler? Um, when I was a kid, my favorite professional, professional wrestler was Hulk Hogan. And I don't know what's happened since I've come into this world, but I'm sure he's still an upstanding citizen who everyone loves. Did you get any emails, Ernie? I did, yeah, let's real quick take a look. How many ranks of royalty are there in Foon?

Four. Oh, okay. Well, that's all the time we have. Thanks so much, I love's all the time we have. Thanks so much. I love hearing about the magic cavern. Oh, also, did you know at the end of your podcast a ghostly voice says how it isn't true. Maybe that's why it's so hard to get people to listen. Is that the work of the Dark Lord just wondering, I'm a believer, Nika Harper.

My name's out some million. Wait, is it hard to get people to listen to this? I don't know. I don't know how many people are listening to this podcast. I'm guessing a lot of. Wait, is it hard to get people to listen to this? I don't know. I don't know how many people are listening to this podcast. I'm guessing a lot of people, I'm hoping a lot of people are. Is your father coming and recording more stuff after we finish our episodes? Did they say ghostly or hunger ghostly?

It's, no, just ghostly. I don't know. It's probably some confi- I don't know. It's probably, maybe they're listening to it in iTunes and then the next podcast in their playlist comes up. I don't know. A couple people have said something about some weird thing playing at the end of our podcast. I'm sure it's just some weird technical glitch. So before we go, Benedict, what does the future hold for you? Well, level two unique classes start in October and so I'm going to be going to those.

in October and so I'm going to be going to those and then you know just trying to get my face my face seen around the cast it's it's so political the unique world and you just really need to know the right people and and and be at the right unique parties and know the right units and so I'm just going to be hobnobbing with the genitalists in the in the near future. And of course, as always, writing my short stories. You know, it's already October, so you might have missed the sign-up period for level two. I know I've been doing a lot of trying to convince you that this wasn't real, and I'm going to do more of the same right now. Think about it, it has to be a podcast. In any other world, this many wordy conversations would have led to some sort of plot development.

Usage or the blue was played by poor man's Ian McKellen, Matt Young. That's not even accurate, it's more like the man a poor man's Ian McKellen would feel sorry for. Shunt the whatever he is was played by poor man's lumberjack doing voiceover gigs for free, Adel Rutherie. The unique Benedict Whisper Brew was played by special guest Brendan Dowling. Brendan and Matt perform regularly with the Improvise Shakespeare company. You can also follow Brendan on Twitter at Bernden Dooling.

And if you're looking for pithy observations about the Sally Field film cannon, today is your lucky day. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Ryan DeGeorgi, Evan Jacoba, and Arnie Meacamp. This episode was edited by Chris Rathchin. Check out Chris' other podcast, Improvised Star Trek. Goodness, Peter Pan's Syndrome's in full swing today. Every last thread of this carefully woven quilt of bladder was brought to you by Cards Against Humanity, with help from the Chicago Podcast Co-op.

Check out Cards Against Humanity at Cards Against Humanity.com, and the Chicago Podcast Co-op at Chicago PodcastCo-op.com. Basically, just type in names and put.com at the end of the year.