Hello From The Magic Tavern - 49 - Princess Phillipa

Episode Date: February 12, 2016

There's another princess at the Vermilion Minotaur! And she seems pretty chatty. Maybe now we'll get the real story on princess life.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungPrincess Phillipa: Abby McEnanyOtok Barleyfoot: Nick BaerKrom the Fingarian: Mark LogsdonFlower: Brooke BreitBridge Troll: Padraic ConnellyMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Chris RathjenTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Ignore the existence of worlds beyond our own and remember the following podcast is not real. But it is really sponsored by the Red Eye. There are better things to do during your morning commute than stalk your ex on Facebook. Do Chicago better with the Red Eye Mobile app? Get it from the App Store or Google Play. Hello from the Magic Tavern. a weekly podcast from the magical land of fun. If you haven't listened to the podcast before, this is what's going on with me. I'm from Chicago, almost a year ago I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger

King into the fantastical land of fun. Luckily I'm still getting a slight Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King, I think through that same dimensional portal, and I'm using it to upload a podcast that I record every week here in the tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur, and the Tana Hogs face, in a land of fune, and I'm joined as always by my buddies, my Goon Companions. I am Yusudor, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of a Fisius, Master of light and shadow, Minibulator of magical delights, devourer of chaos, champion of the great halls of Tarakas, the elves nobius fying Yelok, the dwarves nobius sown in in hook stangies, and I am known in the northeast as gasmoydeus mace star. And listen now, for there are names of such great power that if I were to utter them, they would shatter worlds.

I, the very stars in the heavens, would fall upon this foon, set it aflame, and all would be destroyed, but nay I shall keep these names quite unto myself, and with this great power I shall defeat the Dark Lord, eyes and it's my destiny to do. Yusudur, I've been thinking about our contract a little bit, where I'm not allowed to interrupt your name anymore

and you have to call me Arnie and not Arnold. Correct. Could we void that contract? How come? Just, I mean, aren't you, people have written in, I've got numerous emails that you at one point called me The called me Arnold and we're not in trouble for it I just think like you're gonna get in trouble. You're gonna forget. Let's void the contract Let's move forward as buddies not bound by this contract thing. Let's see how life goes. Hey guys. Sorry. I'm late. Oh, whoa. Hey

You like it what is going on? You like it? Chunt, it's chunt, right? It's me, you're... I'm a crocodile maybe You're a crocodile Yeah, you look wonderful Thank you, I'm still getting used to it, I have such a long mouth Yes, it's a very long mouth Holy cow

For new listeners who haven't listened before, chunt, our body is a shape shifter He's usually a badger, but now you're a alligator? A crocodile Crocodile He just literally seconds ago. I mean, well, well, you're not sure. You don't know. You're a suit. You're not sure. Yeah, the guy didn't say if he was a freshwater saltwater. Yeah, when you're on a date with someone, you're like, what are you exactly? Sashwater saltwater. Yeah. So get used to it babies. I was on a date just the other day with a beautiful

vine And I brought her here to the tavern and pizza school that's Gullywag was giving was giving her the suckets Suckets running up and down her very offensive to me. That was my vine guys Have you ever thought that our lives are just too ridiculous? No, do you mean? What do you mean? I don't know.

Our lives are just a little too weird. I know. You've ever had a giant skull eyeball your date? No. Or socket it? Yeah, socket it. It doesn't have eyeballs, it's pizza skull. Socket to me?

What? What? Never mind, earth people, I love it. Trust me. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm sorry, we're really getting away from the fact that Chant is now an alligator and or crocodile.

Yeah, I think I'm a crocodile. I'm so, I've gotten so used to you being a badger and being a crocodile. It's a big change. You're a lot more intimidating. Yeah, everyone's kind of getting out of my way. I've noticed I'm having less problems with any unsavory. Sure. You're not even lower to the ground. Yeah, I mean, right now I'm having less problems with any unsavory.

Sure. You're even lower to the ground. Yeah, I mean, right now I'm sitting in folding in half, which is a little uncomfortable. It looks due to the scale. Weird, yeah. Oh, here. Here, let me reach into my pouch. Here.

Oh, a rock. There you go. It's a crocodile rock. A crocodile rock for you. No, what? I was waving for a lot. Then that's a never mind. What are you waiting for? Here. way too much. Nevermind. What are you waiting for?

Here, here's chocolate. All right, thanks for a chocolate aisle. What? Nevermind. Oh boy. You guys never appreciate my work. Sorry, you're working. I am, I am working.

One, I'm going on the quest to retrieve the lunar sword. I've been working on it real hard, making a lot of progress. Such as, I go in there every day, I fight Clacks. He's a great guy, I love Clacks. He's a very nice guy, yes. And I've started being able to beat him now. I kind of think he's letting me,

I think he's letting me beat him. He's absolutely. You're a disaster, there's no way you're beating that skeleton. Yeah, you just pulled chocolate out of your pants for me. That's true. That's true. What does that say about your diet?

Don't ask too many questions about that chocolate. But yeah, I beat Clacks. I take whatever piece of rusty sword or axi has. I've been collecting all this beat up weaponry. Every time I go back, he's got a new one though. That's not nothing. Yeah, so what's it like being back at work after all this time? It's exhausting.

Hey, I want to say real quick, I'm proud of you. Thank you. Keep going after that winter sword. I am also proud of you. Someone was telling me that I can trade all this crappy weaponry in for new stuff. Yes, you have to collect certain amounts of them to trade them in to get better ones.

It seems like a bad business model. Yeah, you trade like 10 copper bronze, 10 bronze for a silver. Yeah, it seems wasteful. Yeah. Just the way it is, man. All right. Well, you know what? Hey, let's talk to our guests.

I'm very excited. We have, it's been a while. We have an honest, a goodness princess. I'm really excited to talk to Princess. I might say this wrong. You guys will know this better than me. Princess, Philippa, Edwardina of Heridan? That's correct.

Why do I agree royalty? It's been a while. I prefer, because I'm more laid back. So something easy like a wazah. You know, keeps it real, and I'm just trying to talk to the people and I'm trying to you know turn things on their head sure you're woman of the people I am a woman to hear me do something. Oh, no, what's up your majesty?

Yes, what's up? You guys so much. I don't know if you can keep up with what? What brings you here to hogs face on this First time at a bar, and I would like some Maltes and hops, but a light please a champagne of the people please Delicious pilsner for our lovely lady princess. You can just call me PE Be yeah lady is a little. Makes me uncomfortable. I don't like to be judged by my gender.

My apologies, I would never judge you. You said door. And PE, I can't help but notice you have, it's a beautiful gown. And on the back of the gown, it seems like a rope with a bell at the top. Yes. It is.

You know what, actually, I meant to take it off. Because like that's when I leave the castle, but if you take it off, look, it looks like I work in a stable. It's a onesie. It zips up the back, which is feminine and masculine at the same time. Again, keeping it real. Now anytime I hear PE, I'm gonna think of a rope with a belt.

It's not sure. I mean, I think PE. I'm gonna think of a rope with a belt. Yeah, I mean I think you know PE is pretty like I don't know I'm just gonna mean something in the future for a lot of women like me PE is gonna mean something I don't know we'll figure it out. I just don't how we don't all have to shower together after PE I'm I rarely shower you wear a shoot and I'm proud of it Oh really even though my dad was King Zelvador the bald that did not move on to me. Her suit in all the right places. You feel me brothers. Congratulations. You're welcome. You are very hairy. Hairy princess. Yeah dude. I'm

problem. No, I don't. Arnie, you have a zone. I'm I don't! No, I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I- my cause, and they're not accustomed to meeting a beautiful bearded princess such as yourself. I bet they're schooling sex too. Totally true. He can't even do math. Oh, yeah, I want princess. I'd like to learn more about what your life is as being a princess. Is it awesome? Well, it's, yeah, I have to say, Arnie, it's quite difficult. My parents were very upset that I am a girl when I was born at the Name me philipa edwardina Sure because they were angry and then they were they wanting they wanted a boy definitely Arnold those are feminine versions of classically masculine

Oh, philipa is philip. Yeah, but edwardina is usually a dweena They were like fuck that man. We're gonna masculine her up. We are going the full Edward with this name. The full Edward. Yeah. And then, I had two sisters. First one, lady disappointment.

Oh. The next one. I am no stranger to lady disappointment. Anyway, the third one, my second sister, lady, egregious That's so mad. Well, at least you got real names. Is that the proper pronunciation? Like do you really have to put that amount of emphasis? Well, I got angry sometimes on in I like to express it

But I don't know from your face if I should I think I don't know we could enter the beard contest some tip where Maybe in a... in a place in FUN! Where... her suit, women, and men are welcomed equally! That would be right here in Hogsface, we are very welcoming folk. Would you have a contest here that's very eaved, to compare your beards? I don't see why not. Let's do it! Well, let's have a beard off. My beard, I'll...

Attention! People of the familiar Minotaur! Tonight, there shall be a contest for the greatest beard Whether it belongs to this princess here or this princess here and The judge of this contest shall be none other than shut. Oh great. Oh awesome. He doesn't even know what he is Well, like I said, I'm already super proud of Arnie. Oh mate. What is this? I don't even know what he is. Well, like I said, I'm already super proud of Arning. Oh, mate. What is this?

Oh, okay. Some sort of tear. Oh, wow. Weird. What a crock of shit. I know what? What, never mind. I will judge these beards.

First, it only makes sense to have the royalty go first. Yes. Great. I've seen your beard. Oh, all right. Super. How'd you going to touch it? Get some texture.

Yeah, I'll go ahead and reach out here. Yeah. I'll get this between me. I'm at ease. Don't bite your biting mind. You're really, really weird. You're really focused. Lean in, focus, perhaps.

All right, I have a winner. Which category is this? This is for... A Regenality? This is for Regenality? Well, I'm sorry. I mean, I think she wins. She's definitely.

I'm a Slipperin. This is, uh, originally, I think she wins. I mean, I think she definitely. I'm a slipper in. This is originally goes to Queen Phillipa. Thank you, Saka. Oh, man. For best length, Queen Phillipa. Yeah. Thank you. For best mouth feel, I can only assume Queen Phillipa.

Well, you didn't even mouth feel her. I mouth feel yours. And I didn't enjoy that. So, congratulations. Oh, is that all the categories? Yeah But yes, you'll be the queen one day once you find a good... Well, no, well I'm worried! I'll tell you I'm worried! Me and my three sisters Well my two sisters are three of us! You guys confuse me!

And I'm worried that we're gonna be murdered! I'm worried that we're gonna be murdered! I'm worried that we're gonna be murdered! I'm worried that we're gonna be murdered! I'm worried that we're gonna be murdered! I'm worried that we're gonna be murdered! I'm worried that we're gonna be murdered well I'm worried. I'll tell you I'm worried. Yes. Me and my three sisters. Well my two sisters are three of us. You guys confuse me. And I'm worried that we're gonna be murdered!

My mother is easily upset. I am easily upset. Oh she got that. Oh my god. I am easily upset. I'm just worried about murder and assassination. It's happened before. My mother is barren. She planted on me.

How could she? She had two kids after me. She's an angry woman. That's the only thing I like about her a Baron queen Such titles mixed now couldn't you ascend to the throne in Queenhood if you just found a husband how dare you Yes, you're right. Well, you know, I find this a very safe space Yeah, and now I'm tore up from the floor up on this light, Bill's Nr! And I will tell you the truth. This community I seek!

I'm living on the DL, brothers. Oh, the DL? I like people like me. I'm touching the side of my nose in acknowledgement and understanding. Thank you, Yusidore. I know what on the DL means in my world, but I'm not a... I don't want to make any assumptions. I'm living on the down load. I'm living a surptitious life.

Oh, it's exactly the same. People like me abound, but we must find safe spaces, like here. Herodon is a strange corner of Foon that we haven't spoken of much. Mm-hmm. Now, Foon is generally very progressive. After all, Foon was created by the three goddesses, Foo, U and Un, and they made love and they gave birth to six men whose names I'm not going to say right now. Yep, and that's the origin of love. And that's the origin of the entire world. Yet now, in Herodin, they believe only in heteronormative relationships. Oh God.

It's very difficult. Her father is a cruel and unkind king of his land. He is. I think a lot of that anger is that he's bald and I am not. You could be bald. Should we shave you? I wouldn't mind it. We'll just shave the top of my head, keep my beard. You want your beard still? Why wouldn't I? It makes my face pop.

You know, that wasn't a challenge I'm just a no no I'm asking a simple question. No. I like you so much. I just want to know Do you have a sister or genderqueer cousin? I'm afraid I do not for I You use a dog I am a wizard born of bird and fire and air and Some other elements that I'm forgetting right now, but I just became siblingless I am, parentless I am by the very elements of the world did bring me into fruition. You don't have a GQC? No, I don't have a GQC, I'm very sorry. I wish I did for you. How about you, Chant? I just had sex with a male crocodile or alligator, so, oh nice. Yeah. Do you always switch?

Is it always male, female, dude? We get a lot of emails about all the rules of your sexual shape shifting. I don't, uh, also, between male and female, it's just like, just keeping it, you know, just keeping it interesting. You like, do you like? Do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like,

do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like, do you real work to do. Change will happen in FOOM! Absolutely! I wish I had a picture. Well like I said I already changed so I'm I'm

already set. Yeah but you can help me. I can help you yes. Well talk what is your life like in Herodin? Well I wait. Having to live you know Alive! Yeah it's just a lie. Well I wake up I'm awakened not to buy my hand servants because I I told them you know what take the money and start your own business Oh, they sell chocolate and souls for shoes. Oh, they're soul makers They have a soul's makers soul's makers

Yeah, you know souls is a very important part of the shoe. Oh, yeah, what of the most probably the most important So I find I wake up on my own with the sun, but my curtains are drawn. So you know what? It's a toss up I wake up pee in a bucket Known as a chamber pot, but I like to keep it real. I like you're really going deep on the details Oh, a lot of people a lot of people would boss overhead pissing in a bucket part, but I love it I thought maybe you would want to know what happened to my day and then like pretend what my dream was like Sure, some people know the things that happened to you very far

I'm just a little leave No, I thought that's what you were asked here What happened from the day I woke up until I got here Is that not what you're saying? No, absolutely I know the light pills are pleased Another pill is not for the princess. I must tell you, the first one goes down fast.

Yeah, yes, it's very true. So you piss in the bucket, what's next? Well, you know, then I have some mutton. Every day? Same thing? Yeah, mutton and wheat. Mm-hmm. Just, just raw wheat. Just eating raw wheat, like right off the stock? Yes.

Yes. All right. Yeah, do you have anything on earth like that? Or it's just like two things that are like meant to go together, like a mutton and wheat. Mutton and wheat. So like, ah, you got your mutton in my wheat. Oh, you got your wheat in my mutton. I get my mutton.

If there's two people who are like meant for each other, it's just like, oh, they're like mutton and wheat. Do you have that on? No, no, no. I'm waiting for somebody to, I mean, like, their weatin' mutton. A life of love will be found. Have you, I mean, have you just had a loveless life? Like, have you? Well, I love a lot of it.

That is the rudest question you've had of all the rudest words. Of all the rudest questions you've ever asked our guest. That is by far the rudest. I said it's just a man. I had a loveless life. I mean, you can ask. Hey, excuse me, stranger. Have you had a loveless life life and then he revels in it.

I didn't revel in it. No, I tried to be very empathetic. Is he like are you unhappy or then I am? It's not possible. How about I rephrase this? No, I wasn't offended. I hope I love in your life. Even if it's challenging.

I have a lot of love. I have yet to find romantic love Okay, but I have a level of a lot of things you want me to yes, please list them Waking up to the sun one pissing in a bucket to mutton and wait three you love every morning that you wake up That's that's the three things you love every fight of my morning I love every fight of my morning. Oh! Whoa, you said or, you alright? Oh!

Oh! Is he singing? Whoa! The resident stone is spoken to me. The resident stone? Oh, the stone you gave to O-Toc on his quest? Yes. Gather year-round now and listen to the tale that comes forth from the resident stone. I'm sorry, Princess. We have some friends that are on a quest right now to find their daughter and we're gonna listen.

Ooh, how old's the daughter? Over 18? I've got walking boots with the best souls around wink to Mary and I've got these crocs Let's listen to the let's listen to the stone in shall tell I ping Okay, is this this rock working? I think I've got it. I think I've got it working I just a little higher. I can't see Thank you. All right. Can you guys you guys close enough? I think so we can get working. I think I've got it working. Can you guys close enough? I think so we can get it. I just want to get everybody to eat it. Okay.

This is Otak, Otak brother's foot and his adventurer's flower and crumb from the road. We just wanted to check in. We've been traveling now for a night and a morning. We stopped, got some snacks. We haven't really covered much ground actually, but we're coming up on Ashton Bridge. It's like a bridge over there. It's everything. Probably still watching our back right? Yep, no one is behind us.

Oh, who goes over Ashton Bridge? Oh, shit. It's a bridge troll. It is us. We are adventurers. Well, adventurers, I hope you have a good purpose to cross this bridge, such as emptying your little dreams. Actually, we're looking for my daughter.

She's been taken by the falsetto marauders. Oh, that's horrible. I know. Her name is Activia, and I don't know if you've seen any marauders around or... Oh, actually many marauders every day. I wish I could never have it down for you. Well, Fosetto. Fosetto. They, Fosetto voice, they often... Oh, I thought you were telling me to speak in four languages. Well, no, no, no, no, no, that's too close to home. Please don't.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that's too close to home. Please don't. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, do it. Oh, you must answer a radio before you can cross this bridge. That was more. Yeah, it's in the middle of it. But bridge trolls have a very soothing voice because otherwise people would be too terrified to think straight. Oh, great. Oh, come on, come on, hold them up. Well, you must answer a radio. I'm sorry, it's in the rule book. Okay, I thought this might happen.

Guys, put your thinking caps on. Flower, can we trade hats back? I guess so. You can't be happy. Yours might look awesome on you, by the way. It's like a British fascinating. Just to give you some context. If you answer correctly, you can pass right along. However, if if you'd answer incorrectly I'll grind your bones and eat you can we call it different way?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, first Come on, come on, come on, don't shout anything out. Okay. No matter what even if I know the answer Let's whisper to my ear first. Okay. All right. Okay, so if I had 14 marauders and so riddles incorrectly, and I confiscated 17 pounds of gold, now I spent two pounds of that gold on improvements to my home, another four pounds on repairs to the bridge. So, how much of that can I declare when I'm paying the King's taxes as expenses and how much do I have to report as other income? Ooh, I think I know it.

I'm crum. I think I know it. I don't. Alright, whisper it. whisper it to me. I wasn't listening. I thought you were just telling us a story about your life and I got bored. Oh no, no.

It's a very important riddle. You must answer before I let you pass. It's a dream question. Okay, I'm I think it's not real gold. It's not real gold. Listen to the beginning of the riddle. Something about marauders. Right, that's true. That's true. It's not real gold. The answer is it's the answer that you were hinting. The answer is, it's not the answer. I thought that was the answer, I thought you were hinting.

At your escrow. All right, come answer, answer, come. We think we know. Real class. Oh, right. Hold on, let me get a pen to write this down. All right. We all three agree.

We think the answer is, it's not real gold. Oh, you're kidding me. Oh, you're going, dang it. I've been, I've been confiscating fake gold. Oh, this is terrible news. Oh, this is going to screw up all the mana. He's upset just how long. Just how long? Oh, he's upset, just how long. Oh, he's upset, just how long.

Oh, he's upset keep that circle, that circle. I can't believe it was right. Ooh. Wow, it seems like things are going reasonably well for Otaq, Kram and Flower. There's a lot to pass out there. But the thing that stuck with me was they approached the bridge and said, we are adventurers. Yeah, I guess so.

That's weird. It's a little weird thing to say. Yeah. Anyway. Well, I'm excited to see that the resonant stones work. I really did not think those stones did anything. Why did you not think that? I am one of the greatest wizards. There is ever what the face of food I use to draw. Great blue wizard of the holes of Turokets.

Born of this food to protect it from that Mival machinations of the Dark Lord. I, yay, that evil incarnate that does even now plot against us and think not but evil thoughts and slap children when they should only be scolded and tears down your Christmas decorations before it's over and and then Chris doesn't know what he's supposed to not do or do. Oh, how I loath him. I really sown doubt. About halfway through that. Yeah, I could show it to you.

I'm at a girl named Chris once. She was a delight. Really? I guess, you know, again, this is very personal. I'm just some sort of interested in your love life. Well, I'm kind of dead is very personal. I just am sort of interested in your love life. Well, I'm kind of dead inside, aren't I? Oh. That's okay. I'm happy with it. I have a full life, lot of friends. Would you like me to ignite life within you again with my great magical prowess?

I'm cool. It's like a euphemism to me. Oh, geez. I'll think about it. Have you heard the story of the Princess and the penis? Oh, I love that story. Were you told to get in, Chant? It's about, it's like a children's tale. There's a Princess who,

It's unlike 45 mattresses, but under the bottom one, there's a penis. Yes, that's it. And she can feel it. She sleeps on the top mattress. She can feel the penis all the way through it. And she actually, she felt tingling when she'd never felt it before I

Feel like look we can do it with these 47 mattresses, but let's you know, let's go crazy I mean without the 47 I slept on 47 mattresses. There were 15 penises underneath I didn't feel a thing not a thing a lot of times Young ladies tell that story after they've ridden a horse for the first time. Oh, interesting. I ride horses to get my mutton weight! Mutton and wheat! What would make you happy, Princess? Yeah, we want to help you. We are your friends! I'd like to be queen.

Sure. Change happens from women? What would it take for you to be queen of Herodon? I need my parents to die. And not to be murdered or assassinated. and for these arcane rules of the royalty to be overturned! Well your parents will die in a while. Ooh, I'm a scientist. My name is Chant. I think Laine would be a scientist.

Alright. I mean I was a little angry for a while reason. No Chant-O-Lay! Chant! Oh, I'm such a bad lady as a chunch come back everything dies You don't die I it's very hard for me to die, but I could die, but I come right back. I'm sorry. I'm back. Oh, oh Chunch thank God. I'm sorry that I offended no not at all everything dies not everything no, maybe that's a fact What about the one day But everything that dies someday comes back maybe someday comes back. I see what about canfully put your makeup on and your hair up pretty

And meet me tonight in Lanark City where what that that's where we were No, no, no, actually. I was not the one that no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, 34 they're only 34 yes what's the life expectancy in herodin 35 oh my god my time's like coming up it really is you said a few months I've got to work I've got to get I've got to get people some advisors I've got a rate I don't need to raise cash I'm the queen what do I need to do I don't know get a four hundred dollar haircut what else Invest in jewelry. No, I'm good. God used to know you have crazy ideas about what should be. Things are changing.

Yeah, you say I have crazy ideas. When all I do is work day and night to protect this great world. I, all I do is pour my very essence in be it's making fun the safest place it can be I I watch for lies traveling throughout the land to make sure that all is well. How dare you turn yourself against my machinations Mr. Thor, do you keep it safe for girls and women who have no voice? who are chattel, who are owned by men. I do everything I can.

I do. Well, I could do all of it. I mean, you're my true learn more. Learn more? I need to learn a lot about more. Wait, did someone say more? Yes. I've been dying to learn about more. Yeah, I mean, I don't. I need to learn about more. It only makes frankincense.

Well, Princess, it's been a real pleasure getting to know you. And I'm excited to hear that maybe you're going to come into power and make some real change in her and relatively soon. And I look forward to your help, Yusudora. We could actually join forces and chunt. We have a world to change. Absolutely. change inheritance relatively soon. If I can be assistance to your majesty, all you needs to is call upon you, Sidhu. Thanks, guys.

Well, you know, why don't we take a moment to answer some of the emails that we've gotten? If you always want to email the show, you can email me at Magic Tavern at puppies.supplies. It's a really email address. It's the only one that I could get. Here's an email that I got for us. Hello Arnie, I have this theory. So we've heard that there's someone who looks like you who's working out on Earth, whereas in Foon, you're being made fun of for being out of shape. But all caps, you're working towards completing a dungeon crawl and may join you Sidorus Quest. So maybe you will get into shape for that and you will return to Earth in a way that

brings you back to the time at which you left, hence why you look more fit on Earth right now. Hope you get home, Steven, Shinder, last name rhymes with Tinder. I can't know what a coolass theory. I like that theory, it's a very positive theory where I will actually get back to Earth at the moment that I left and I'll be thinner and happy. So that all of this time here on Foon will not have happened to you in the time that it occurred on Earth.

I mean I didn't- We will have happened, but in a blink of an eye. I've forgotten all but- All but what? Forgotten. All but. All but. All but what? Forgotten. What? What? Oh, but what? Forgotten. Oh, but. Oh, but.

Oh, but what? Forgotten. What? What? What? But. But. But. Are we just saying but now?

Is that what we're doing? But I have some emails saying this. Oh, great. Thank you. To the email address chunt. At gmail.com that's chunt with 60s. This email is from Anna Victoria. Anna says, hello from the magic city, me, me. Oh, Miami. Oh, okay, Miami. I've been a long

time fan of the podcast with it being introduced to me, so I would stop talking and it totally worked. I haven't spoken since. Here's my question. This is for chunt. Is there any way you can steal Arnie's podcast equipment between Between him sleeping until 2, or his struggle doing sit-ups, I'm sure it's not that hard. They are crunch- I think everyone on Earth wants to hear what goes on at Chant's Night because we're not dicks like Arnie. Hmm. I'm assuming some of them are dicks.

Oh yeah, there are a lot. I mean, most of the people on Earth are bigger dicks than I am. Billy Yum Yum 2x2, I'm looking at you. Yeah, you haven't, you still haven't been to a chance night with your friends. I'm sorry, I know I promised I will, I absolutely will. Do you have something planned for? I mean, my greatest skill is interviewing. Mm, well.

Wow. Whoa. That's harsh. The bar is low. Yeah, I feel bad for you. Let's see if I have any other emails here. Hey, I have one. Greetings Arnold Neacamp that's spelled as I get most of my junk

mail with a C instead of a K. It has come to my attention that you have discovered a resource rich land within the borders of the United States of America. I am simply a curious, fun, enthusiast, and not a military official. So I was hoping you could answer some questions for me. One, is there a local resistance rebellion against the established government, and could they benefit from a supply of modern weaponry?

Two, are there any exploitable minorities living in food? Three, do the locals possess any weapons capable of damaging an M1A-SEP armored with 800 millimeters of depleted uranium and rich steel. For how much child fat would be required to spread the portal at sector A, B, 9, 7, S, blah blah blah. I thank you in advance for any and all intelligence provided Mr. Necan. I'm sure our country thanks you for your service in FUNE, but I wouldn't know because I'm simply an ignorant civilian, PS PS while you have been officially labeled deceased by the authorities, I will see to it that

your wife is taking care of in your absence you can rest easy from the desk of General E. Hammond United States Air Force. I didn't understand most of that. I think it's just a joke email, but if the US government is paying attention, I guess I didn't really think of the possible consequences of my government listening to this podcast. I have one more email here. This is from Stevener, Stefan Johnson, says Chunt. In a reverse Arnie situation, my friend, Zach, has been spending all his time with his

family and hasn't had any time for friends. Can you have Yusudor Casaspell that will make him come back to Boise Knight? Thanks from Steven the Blonde. Yusador, do you have any spell that would reunite a friend? Of course! Could you cast it? Oh! Do you know? I think so.

I think you just fell asleep. Yeah. Yusador, I... ...re-I-R-E-U-N-I-T's friendship I think he just fell asleep. I think he just fell asleep. I think he just fell asleep. I think he just fell asleep. I think he just fell asleep. I think he just fell asleep. I think he just fell asleep.

I think he just fell asleep. I think he just fell asleep. I think he just fell asleep. I think he just fell asleep. I think he just fell asleep. I think he just fell asleep. I think he just fell asleep. Yeah That's thing too much of that So so many beautiful bright sequence in my mind. What where am I? Hello, hey, I am Yusudor Wizard of the 12th realm of a feces master. We're starting to show right? Oh just sign void this contract. All right, please contract void it. All right fantastic

Well princess, thank you so much for being here. I really appreciate it. Thank you. Alright, that was a great, uh, but episode, but now it's crocodile-done-D. It's what? It's crocodile-done-D. You mean it's done? Yeah.

Why the D? Have you heard about the Princess and the D? See you later, alligator! Can you imagine trained human actors using only the power of their voices to create a fantastical world. Well, you'll have to imagine it because all we have is this, and none of it was real. Jean-T Adelreffi, Yuzador Matt Young, and the less said about that, the better. Princess Philippa Edouardina of Harradin was played by special guest Abby McAnany, and if you enjoy shouting and pre-planned taglines instead of improvised comedy, you can see Abby perform in such things as Virgin D'Ackery at I.O. Chicago. If you

want to hear more of Abby, live near her. O'Talk Barley Foot was played by Nick Bear. Flower was played by Brooke Bright. Crom was played by Mark Lockstone. And Clovis the Bridge troll was played by Padreck Connolly. What else? Let's see. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Evan Jacover, Ryan DeGeorgian, Arne Neacamp. Edited by Chris Rathchin. Rathchin, Rathchin. More and Rathchins, the things Hod Solo was smuggling in Force Awakens. I've got to find out. Hmm, what am I forgetting, Craig? Music by Andy Poland, logo by Aller LeBon, extra audio wizardry by Jason Knox, brought to you by the Red Eye and the Chicago Podcast Co-op.

Get the Red Eye mobile app on the App Store or Google Play, and visit the Chicago Podcast Co-op at www.chicagopodcastco-up.com. Hey, at FYI, the fumes from this console are still giving me really bad headaches. I know I've brought it up before, but sometimes I'm not really sure if you're listening. Craig, everything I've told you is a lie. They were Rath Tars! Which, when you think about it, decisively tells us who raised parents were. Well, time for my name. you