Hello From The Magic Tavern - 5 - Foon’s Greatest Swordsman

Episode Date: April 2, 2015

Wow! The greatest swordsman in all of Foon is going to be at the Vermilion Minotaur today and I get to interview him! I can't wait to hear all about his adventures. First the commissioner of the Foon Mittens League and now Jak Vorpal! I'm basically the Ryan Seacrest of Foon.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungJak Vorpal: Sean KelleyMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Ryan DiGiorgiTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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They asked us not to read an ad. Enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Arnie Neekamp, I'm from Chicago. About a month ago I fell through a portal behind a burger kink into a, I guess, sort of narnia-esque land called FUNE. Luckily I had my podcasting equipment with me. I'm getting a slight Wi-Fi signal through the portal I'm guessing from the burger king and so I'm hosting a podcast every week in the taverns for a million-minute tour and just reporting news

about this strange land. Joining me as always is the Wizard Yusidor. Ah, yes I am Yusidor. Wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesius. Master of Light and Shadow. Devour of magical delights. Destroyer of Chaos Champion of the Great Halls of Tarlakis. The elves know me as Fyang Yuluk. The dwarves know me as Zonen Hugestang.

And not Huba Stank. And in the northeast I am known as Quismannus, Mastah. And unfortunately, we are not being joined by Chant this week. He's, I don't know, Chant the Talking Badgers. I don't know what he's doing. I believe he's molting. Molting? Yes. Once a year, badgers in Ireland, they molten molt and they shed all of their fur and skin

and grow a new, brand new fur coat. I mean, you're gonna ask, what are seasons like in Fune? I've only been here long, like, is it a year, like, do they, are there four seasons a year or is it? Four. No, there are six seasons. Six seasons? Yes.

Would you mind listing off the six seasons? Winter what are we in right now? Well, it's the end of winter. Okay. We're entering Blunder Blunder. Then it will be spring Spring then summer summer. Okay, so far most of these sound familiar then we stash Wish dush and then fall and then winter again So all right was winter twice or you just... No, it doesn't happen twice. It goes around and it'll be getting again. I wasn't following, I wasn't counting.

What is Blunder? I don't need to know about... The season right before spring, right after winter? Okay. Alright, that's good enough. We are joined by a guest this week. Jack Vorple, the funes, am I understanding this correctly, funes greatest swordsman? Former greatest swordsman.

Former greatest swordsman. Long ago I hung up my sword and took up the Baker's oven. The Baker's oven. Yes. I guess I was really excited to get a some swordplay talk on the podcast. We really, I think we've been very light on adventurers in the Magic Tapper. How dare you! I am one of the greatest adventurers in all of the realm. All I need is 12 strong men to come with me to defeat the Dark Lord! You said, or how many people have you gathered to your fellowship to go on this quest? Ah, yes a fellowship of good fortune and fun for friends so far

There was a young lad who came up to me barely old enough to hold the sword. He was very interested His his enthusiasm nearly caused me to take him into my cause, but until I have someone else to protect him and to find a suit of armor that would fit him, or to find any discernible skill that he has I've decided to turn him away. So Jack, you are Foon's former greatest swordsman. Yes, I still have the Marlin Tattoo up my arm, which delineates the greatest swordsman. Yes, I still have the Marlin Tattoo up my arm, which delineates the greatest swordsman in all of Foon. You only get that tattoo if you defeat another swordsman, and then he is obligated to mark you

with the sign of the Marlin to show that you are his equal. So, I guess I'm not entirely understanding this tattoo system. So, you, if there was a first Swordsman that had a Marlin tattoo. Yes. Yes. His name was swordfish. His name was swordfish. Yes. Swordfish. It's not like we're of a computer hacker name to me, but I don't know if that might not mean it. What is that? I'm not I don't want to explain our things. So swordfish had a Marlin tattoo. Yes. And he was the greatest swordsman in Foon. Yes, thousands of years ago. And then someone defeated him?

Yes, the second greatest swordsman who ever lived. Not the second greatest as in like, he was the second greatest, but the second greatest as in he was the greatest after the greatest. chronologically the second greatest. Yes, yes. Every swordsman must fetch a magic sword before they take on the world's greatest swordsman.

That's a big part of becoming a swordsman in food, is you have to find your magic sword. So where did you find, like, what kind of quest did you have to go on to find your magic sword? When I was a young man, a lad of a mere 10 and 16 blunders, I set out on a quest to defeat 26 blunders. Yeah, you're familiar with Blunder. Yeah, Blunder is the season before spring. Ah, yes, very good. Yeah.

Set out to defeat a great bandit king who had fallen in the western woods. When I defeated him, I stole a sing sword from his troves. Oh, a singing sword. Yes, a singing sword. What does it know? Like Oh, what does it know? Like, what song does it know? Yes.

It knows Seven Dragons and a Baby. I love that one. Seven dragons and a baby. Oh, yes. Everyone knows that one. Yeah, because Seven Dragons there were, and they had a baby. Yes, I guess. I'm a terrible singer.

You're a little behind on that, you say? I'm a bad singer. I know I don't have the voice for. Is it a benefit to have a singing sword? It certainly is good for companionship when you're on a long journey by yourself. It's fun at parties Is I mean while in battle? Does it have any use? Is it give you any advantage? It sings of your glory so your enemies may know whom they are befallen by I see

Yeah, that seems like a I mean that seems a little helpful at best. Like, I feel like- Imagine it. You are being approached by an adventurer, sword in hand. Are you some goblin or some demon who's been put upon this founta cause not but havoc and evil? And you hear the sweet singing voice of this singing sword. Telling you of the great foes previously defeated by this great master of the blade, and as

he doth wreak his havoc upon thee, thou dost know the final crushing blow, then that thy own name and voice shall be added to this song, this litany of destruction. Though sometimes it just sings seven dragons in a beat. Seven dragons in a beat. Seven dragons in a beat. I like that one. I just feel like if I, so I say I'm a swordsman with a magic sword

and I'm about to fight someone else with a magic sword. If I hear their sword singing, I'd be like, oh, that is the power. That is the extent of the thing that I'm going up against. Ah, yes, does it have any other powers? Uh, it can cut through all wooden objects. Oh, I don't know if that's a power. Is that a woodland?

That just seems like a property of a sword. Have you ever tried to cut through a, like, a really dense oak tree with a sword? All right, that's fair. I you mean with like a single Yeah, like with a single blow with a single blow. I'm not like hacking at a tree. I'm over and over again. Of course, I gave all that up. Now I just make pies. I'm sorry to really fixate on this singing sword.

How does the how does swords get their magic powers? Like, are they made? There's like a wizard granted powers? Are they're like, they're born that way. They're born that way. Yeah, yes. You go to a sword, rookery, and the sword eggs hatch. And you know, they start out as little dagger larvae, and then they grow up, and some of them,

when they've been around for a long time, begin to develop magical properties. And then do swords lay eggs of new for new swords? Or what do you think swords come from? Arnold, let me speak to you about the birds and the bees. When two swords love one another, they form a nest. It's not, their love isn't always involved. Sometimes it's just pure weapon lusts. Yes, yes, I suppose that is true. Doesn't this make like a sword fight seem a sped a little awkward?

Right? If you're fighting someone, I guess we have exactly the person to ask. Jack Wurple like, world's fiends great assordsman. Former great assordsman. Former great assortsman. Former Great Assortsman. During a sword fight, like you're fighting someone and your swords potentially could do the swords ever start having sex during a fight. They don't have sex through the blade of the sword.

I am totally unaware of the sword sex. The sword penis is in the handle of the sword. Oh. The hilt. The hilt. It makes a lot of sense, but it's now where I would want to be. And the vagina on the female sword is in the buckler. I don't want it's the buckler. It's like the little part that the catch, the flat part that is under this...

Could you just draw? Yeah, all right, hold on. I'll just draw... I've got a piece of charcoal and a blueberry. So we have that. So here you can see this is a sword penis right here and that's the sword vagina. And when you see these two swords, if they're in love or if they are in a state of lust, they just go at it with that with those two pieces. Is it weird that you're just holding sword dicks? Like I assume your sword was a male.

I guess I don't know that for a fact. It was a fine female sword. I see. Is still hanging above the oven in my bakery. Jack, I fear we may have done you a disservice here today by not asking you Why you decided to quit I'm gonna have a few more sorts x question. I don't know probably what I'm very curious What now we can move on to the other as a as another swordsman come along and become the greatest swordsman or are you still?

The world of food is currently without a greatest swordsman. I was never defeated. Ah! Unacceptable! It doesn't revert back to the former greatest. As long as I live, the sword is mine. And the honor of greatest swordsmen or the burden of greatest swordsmen is mine as well. I just can't bring myself to commit another act of violence with my sword. Okay, well, what happened? My last adventure, I was on a journey for Good Queen Elsinore. Her kingdom was beset by a race of monsters called the Smorps.

Smorps? Yes. Smorps, they're about four peaches tall and they live in large mushroom-shaped homes. Oh, how I hate those Smorps. Oh, if I could just get enough of them, I could turn them all into gold. Yes, okay, who's the door?

No, there may be crazy. It just, you're getting a little, I'm sorry, I just I think about those smorps and I get angry and I go home and I pet my cat at my house at the top of the hill Don't go full gargamel. Let's who? It's not a it's not a poor gargamel. It sounds like an angel's name with the hell in the angel well no so the smorps yes led by their vicious leader cruel crimson clad wizard named father smorp father smorp well i'm just got crimson uh... so the smorps are red no smorps a purple in color

so purple serulean depending on you you on what kinds of colors you can see. So they mostly walk around in white pants, though their leaders are clad in a crimson, which is stained with the blood of their enemies. And they're given names based on their roles, like soldier smorp and cook smorp. What are the, are they all men? Are there any female s'morp? There's one female s'morp. The queen s'morp, often called s'morpette. S'morpette.

Yes. She's a thousand times the size of the other s'morp's bloated with s'morp bags. She is a foul and disgusting creature. On the full moon she lays lays baby smorps. Oh no. Baby smorps which devour the closest living beings and then go into a larval cocoon

until they explode out in a cloud of pus. I have zero questions about smorps sex. I do not want to know anything about smorps sex. Do not want to know anything about Smorp's sex Okay, so you come across the smorp village so I followed a trail of smorp berries back to the smorp village And there I did do battle with the smorps Yeah, it doesn't sound like if they're very small it doesn't sound like a fair fight They're vicious though. They've sharp little teeth and baby little eyes and claws I killed hundreds of s'mores that day stabbed my singing sword right into them as it's saying it's battle him what what is what is your sword's battle him

La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la It sounded like a song I know for a little bit and then it kind of veered away from copyright infringement from my world near the end which I'm Copyright infringement? It's not I don't want to talk about earth stuff. I shouldn't have brought it up Copyright infringement! Is that like a type of monster or... I mean, it can be. So you killed 100 smorps? Yes, I was knee deep in smorp blood. And I was about to kill the final smorp. And I picked him up.

He was an artist. He was wearing a little smock, and he had a little palette that paints on it. And I looked into his eyes, and despite the fact that I knew he was a monster, I just saw his humanity and my own, and I realized that all living things are connected, and that to take the life of any living thing is an egregious crime. And I swore after I broke his head off of his body with my bare hands. No, I was not where I was expecting that to get that I would never ever Commit an act of violence again Jack listen to me now You did the right thing the smorps are evil through and through one time they broke into my home

They dressed me up like I was a smorp and they painted me so ruling. I woke up in the morning, they put a giant mushroom top on top of my house and I spent the entire day thinking I was a smorp. Yes, yes, of course I did begin to feel some sort of sentiment for them. Oh, but as soon as I realized they're shrikkrey, I set my cat upon them. Where do the smorps come from? They were created at the dawn of time, just like everything else was. Right. Well, I had some hand in creating s'more bet.

I apologize for that, of course. You created s'more bet? Well, I tried one of my tricks to this. That vile monster was a product of your creation? I will, they used to be all male, and then I thought I would trick them by adding a small bat into their mix and I sent it down the head. And she was simply around the same size as them and then they did their evil magic on her and made into a giant slug thing.

When I found myself in the smort village and I found myself in the smorpette's lair. In addition to the thousands of pus-filled sacks around her, her chamber was filled with the tiny skulls of local orphans whom she had sucked upon. Yes, I feel no end of guilt about it. Yes, everyone knows that the smorpette devours orphans is no end of guilt about it. Yes, everyone knows that the small pets devours orphans is not to be done about it. Unless you have defeated them out right now, are they completely extinct? I've slain all but the smorplings, the youngest child's smorps. They still besiege the woods, but I just cannot bring myself to wield my sword again to do battle with them. And I want to have to imagine that in different regions, there are probably different variations on the smorps.

Like underwater, there's probably the snorps. What? Underwater, there are mermaids and seedragathes. No snorps, like, smorps, but with like... Snorps. It's not worth going into. Oh, no, may I ask you a question? Yes. How old do you think I am?

I do think I've been around since the beginning of time, like the smorps. I don't know. I mean, you seem very old. I was simply brought into this world a few centuries ago, when the wind and the air and the fire and the breath of life decided that a champion must be born into the world. The way always it's a born. Hmm. We'll have to get I want to get more of the story of you just appearing into the world because it sounds very odd to me. I always thought that when the air and the earth loved loved each other very much. Oh Jack you've made a terrible mistake. The air and the earth loved each other very much. Oh, Jack, you've made a terrible mistake.

The air and the earth don't always feel the emotion of love. Sometimes it is simply a physical act. So, Jack, you've decided to be a baker, Ness. Yes. How did you choose baking? I feel like I wanted to create things rather than taking things out of the world. The sword is a tool only for death and violence. It can only be used to destroy.

Now I make things. The children love pies. Jack, I must ask you, will you take up your sword again for the power of of the Dark Lord, Dothrain, O'er us all. And if we do not take steps to defeat him, yey, we're at reign of blood, shall poured down upon all of food, and we shall surely be destroyed in the wake of his wanton ways. No, I am actually kind of supportive of the way the Dark Lord has simplified the tax code. No one's arguing that that's not a good tax code.

I can't. I have no real qualm with this tax code. I just certainly once we put a less evil entity in his place. I don't have seen a reason to appeal that tax code. I have, so no closer to building your fellowship. So, Jack, thank you so much for coming on the podcast. I hope that you will come back again sometime soon and would you bring your sword, does the sword stay where it is?

Like, is it too much of an act of aggression to even just kind of walk out in hog face with the sword? I'll make you this promise. If you purchase three pies for the price of two I will bring my sword the next time I come on this show. That seems very fair. It's exceedingly fair. Seems very very fair. I would love to see the singing sword. I think that would be great. Oh what's the best pie you make?

Uh, boys and dairy. Roo my favorite. As always, I encourage everyone to subscribe to the podcast on iTunes, give us a great rating and some stars. Also, I've been able to set up an email address for myself. Yeah, my connection to the internet is very spotty here through the portal to the burger king. I don't really know exactly what it is. The only email I was able to get is MagicTavern at puppies.supplies.

I swear that is a real email. I swear it's a real email address. It really works. I've only gotten a couple of emails asking questions. I would have expected more emails to be flooding in because of this major discovery of an alternate world But I found it we try to quickly answer one of these questions from Jackson fell is there any sort map or way that you could show us boon

I'll read that again. Is there any sort map or way that you could show us boon? I don't understand the question. Boo, have I been not been clearly pronouncing where we are, Foon? Oh, yes, Foon. He means Foon. I think when he says boon, he means Foon. Perhaps he's asking for a boon from you? It could be. Are there maps of boon? Well, yes, thousands, hundreds of thousands, perhaps.

All right, I guess I'll have to try to figure out a way to maybe get that on our website or something, and put it on the feed. Or at the very least, maybe, are there any local cartographers or mapologists that they could come and maybe be on the podcast and at least explain the geography of food a little bit. I suppose we can just see this possible.

Alright, well thank you so much guys and hopefully come back soon. One moment while I close this panel before the radiation melts all the crystals. Remember, if you find yourself thinking maybe these things really happened, think no they didn't, and then tell your brain to think about something else. Usador The Wizard was played by Matt Young, and Special guest Jack Vorpul was played by Sean Kelly. You can hear Matt and Sean together weekly on the Improvised Star Trek podcast. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard LeBam. Produced by Evan Jacoba and Ryan DeGeorgie, edited by Ryan DeGeorgie, music by Andy Poland.

Learn more about the show and how it's not real at hellofromthemagictavern.com, or follow by Ryan DeGeorgie, music by Andy Poland. about Cards Against Humanity at Cards Against Humanity.com. And the Chicago Podcast Cooperative at ChicagoPodcastCoop.com.