Hello From The Magic Tavern - 79 - Real Estate Agent

Episode Date: September 12, 2016

You should never cross a dragon, a wizard, a flower, or my next guest...CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungAxelrod ReMax: Mark McConvilleTannakin the Pinglet: Sarah FineoutMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Evan JacoverTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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The following podcast is Soup's Fake. There are as many dimensions in this world as there are in a Jesse Isenberg villain. But we are gratefully sponsored by the millennial tyrants at Cards Against Humanity. Want to send a package to Arnie and Foon? Great? Do it! I'm not saying the address again because I've said it 5,000 times and my mouth is bored. And now, prepare to have your passport stamped as you cross the border into the Imagine Nation! Hello from the Magic Tavern!

A weekly podcast from the magical land of fune. I'm your host Arnie Neekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is the whole story. Well not the whole story. This is all you need to know. This is the part I say at the beginning of every episode. About a year and a half ago I felt through a dimensional portal behind a burger king into the magical, fantastical land of fune. Luckily I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the burger king through that dimensional portal, which I used to upload a podcast I record every week here in the tavern, the Vermilionotaur in the town of Hogsface in the land of phone

And I'm joined as always by my buddies my good companions Chant the King of the Badgers. Hey, baby. How you doing bud? Pretty good. How you doing? I'm doing okay. Not too bad Mm-hmm. I do want to reveal something to you. Wow. I don't know if you're gonna be happy. You're gonna be sad You're gonna was gonna ask you to sit down, but you're always I'm always yeah always I actually asked one of the I set you up on a date with one of the Unwood mothers I figured you know you have a wife and child at home that you can't take care of you can't you know shower with love and Adoration so I got you a date with one of the Unwood mothers, but chun that I mean I but I got you a date with one of the Unwit mothers, but Chunk that I mean I but I thank you, but I welcome all I'm so happy you're happy about it. Her name is Daphne Daphne, yeah, she'll be she'll be waiting for you tonight. I'm more of a Velma guy myself. What?

I like Velma's more than Daphne's if trying to say the name Phelma and you're choking. I'm a man look I'm a Velma guy not a phelma guy. I'm a Louise guy Oh, so you you go both ways Yes, Louise. Okay. Yes. Wait. No not Louise Louise what are you saying? I'm gonna pass Pass on that date. Oh, sorry. All right. You know what actually speaking in my love life What's going on with your love life? I feel like we haven't talked about it in a long time nothing? Speeding in my love life, what's going on with your love life? I feel like we haven't talked about it in a long time.

Nothing. Nothing. Drought. Drought. Yeah. Like not even like, because usually I just assume that you're just having sex with a lot of badgers because we're always a badger. Will's run dry my friend.

And I am Yusidor. Yusidor. Yusidor. I'm a Vs. Fuck off. Yusidor. You're talking. I'm talking.

Yusidor. Damn it. Yusidor. Drought. Yusidor. Yusidor. Yusidor. I'm talking! I'm talking to a judge! Never get us! Dammit! You said our... You said our... You said our... You said our... Never get us! You said our...

Dammit! No thesis, gasmaid is made so hard. You said our... Look at Daphne crying at that time. Oh, yeah, I'm on. You said our... I'm crying now. You're in every word you said.

I probably shouldn't have said all this stuff at the table next to the Unwadmother. Look at her run away. She's a very attractive Unwadmothers. Yes, she is. I'm just, I'm involved. I have a wife and child back on earth. Well, it so happens that you kind of look like her ex, so her ex-fred, so she was hoping- Her ex-fred? Yeah.

Oh, I thought she seems like more of a shaggy guy. What? Also, I look a lot more like shaggy than Fred. I look a lot more like a Shaggy than a Fred. I look like a fat Shaggy. So you met Fred? Fat Shaggy. Ooh, that's a great nickname.

I'm going to start calling you fat Shaggy. Damn it. Goddamn it. But then if I say it, if I say it and you hear me, I'm going to be like, it wasn't me. Oh, fair enough. Okay, so, and I'm also joined by my other co-host, Yusidor. That's right. So what are you been up to lately Yusidor? Oh well

I've been traveling from town to town mostly by night It's a cooler. It's nicer. Yeah easier to this sun just feels Yeah, you are you are a lot paler than I remember yes, and I was quite pale to begin with. It's true I'm nearly translucent Yeah, you're insights look great. Thank you very much and I was quite pale to begin with. It's true. I'm nearly translucent. Yeah, your insights look great. Thank you very much. Yes, yeah.

Yeah, sure. That's the thing. Sure, I appreciate the person's insights. Yeah, well, I'm always like, you know, it's not about, you know, what they look like. It's what it's on the inside. Yeah. And seeing his insights, I'm like, yeah, holy crap.

Good insights. Speaking of insights. Are you doing Chump for a Dr. Bergen this year? Oh, yeah. We'll be doing that again Flutting some way I would like to attend. Oh, do you want to donate some blood or? I'll just be around your voice is getting real high Okay, yeah, I mean whatever however you want to help out would be wonderful I'd be glad to drop by and alpha whatever services I can and partake in the

festivity wonderful fat cheggy do you want to help? Yes fat cheggy. Would you like to help? No, I do not you know something's clearly going up with you You said or and I should ask some follow up questions, but instead I'm going to introduce our guest I remember a long time back we talked about like the things in fune that you don't want to cross, right? Yes. Like wizards, flowers, dragons. Lots of people have requested that we get dragons on the show. I wonder what would happen if we cross use it or right now. Let me just make a sign of a cross. Wow. Whoa. What was that? I don't know. That's weird. It's getting started sizzle. Especially since there's no

Christianity. What's Christianity? I know. You're that's weird. It's a skin-sertis sizzle. Especially since there's no Christianity. What's Christianity? I know, you're just like, I'm just gonna make a... I'm just making the sign of a cross. Yeah, just hungry, I haven't had anything to eat yet. Yeah, oh. Could I get some roost-of-heats and a pork steak extra rare? She used to do her hate-s edition appearance.

Smells like cooked meat. Yeah, it does, it's weird. Well anyway, the other thing you shouldn't ever cross is a real estate agent apparently and I'm so excited I think you guys will be excited that I didn't talk about with you guys I didn't talk about it with you guys beforehand, but I invited a real estate agent on Mmm, you did what? What? People are always talking about real estate agents. I was like we should have a real estate agent

Would you realize if we piss him off? Okay, well mind-vine peas and cubes Fran, now we're looking I'm I'm very P inus and your questions mind my penis. That's what my question mind your peace Incuse means mind your penis and your questions in that order Any order doesn't the order is not significant so before I say anything I should be like first of all What's my penis doing listen fat Jackie? Watch yourself okay, well, we're saying okay watch yourself. Okay. All we're saying. Okay, be careful.

Okay, I will. Alright, well anyway, I'm very excited. We are joined by the real estate agent Axelrod Remax. Greetings. Hey! Hello. Oh, Axelrod. It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance Axelrod.

Yes, you, Siddore. I... know of you. Oh, well, I'm a renowned wizard of the 12 realms of Ephesius, I'm not surprised. And yet only about 1% of our guests have any idea who you are. Not only that, but I know you live. Oh yes, my hovel at the top of the hill. With the bedroom in the back.

Yes, y'all, you know the actual floor plan. Of course. Oh, well, are you interested in trying to sell it? Do you think it's worth any sales? Sell it. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. But, but you said, you're not selling your place, are you? I wasn't planning on it, but I just wanted to... What do you want to sell your place, you sell it? Yeah, you just let him decide if it's good being sold or not.

Oh, so you've kind of measured my home. Well, while I sell and buy homes, I also measure them for purposes. Oh, purposes. Me. An assessment. This is just what I feared. Oh, so for what purpose do you come to measure my home? That I'm not worried about.

Mind your cues. Oh. Oh. And Sean, mind your beef. No, for the way, I'm sorry, I'll put it away. Oh goodness. Oh dear. It just kind of pops up. I'm so sorry.

I've been sent by a bidder to assess your home. Oh. You've may have noticed the banner of the red fin I've been sent by a bidder to assess your home. You've may have noticed the banner of the red fin over Hogsface. Oh, yes, I have. Announcing my presence. Of course, yes, Axelrod. I, please, let me, I hope you in any way that I can.

If you need to assess the home, you're welcome to come by, or, who's that sweaty one? It's easier to murder someone in their sleep when you know where they sleep Oh God Yes And I will sell that information to a high bidder Wow!

So someone wants to know where you sit or sleeps? Yes So they can murder him? Yes He's being so coy, I don't know I know what's going on Playing his card so close to the vest I really want to ask who, but I'm afraid that that's a cue.

He's not going to be... No. Please. Who's your bitter? Well, that information is available for a price. Oh. If a bitter outbids my bitter, the information stays with me. You understand the gambit? I do.

I offer you these three magical rocks Tell me more This rock will give you the confidence of four bears tell us more tell us more Can they throw very far how confident are bears? Do you see a lot of bears like skulking around like? I don't know if I should go attack this thing. Yeah, I guess bears bears know what they want Yeah proceed this rock gives you the power of nearly half a centimeter of flight You will nearly half a centimeter of flight you'll feel yourself lifted right off the ground as soon as you touch it and

This rock of course makes you irresistible to anyone that you may wish to seduce. Yes. We call it the rock of ages, because it makes you feel young. Yes, yes, yes. So these three rocks are yours if you're so desired. Now consider it. Oh, good, good, good, good. Thank you.

Is it anywhere, like, what, can I just come out and ask? Like, what is the offer on his life? Like, can we match it? It's a series of gems. A series of gems. Yes. Paid out in 20-year installments. Oh, boys.

Monthly, I receive some gems. Wouldn't you rather just get all those gems up front? Of course. But no one ever has that much. I know. I make it easy to pay out to the plans. Oh, I see. And it's difficult to find gems in a series.

I see. I'd like to find them serialized with proper numbers and the correct order. Oh I see. And it's difficult to find gems in a series. I see. I have to find them serialized with proper numbers and the correct order takes extra amount of time. You like seeing there's gaps? Yeah, this like, oh man, I feel like there's something really important in this gem that I missed. These stones may buy you time, you see. Oh good, good, good. I consider them yours here. as a gift of my good will. They smell terrific. Thank you. I polish them every day.

He said there's a banner of the red fin. I don't know if I've seen the banner of the red fin. Yeah, I don't know. Is that your like the hair, the hair that you're wearing? It's my sigil. Yeah. Oh, I see. I hang it when I come to a town or a city in Foon

to announce my presence though few see me. Wow. So you want to both hide and but people to definitely know you around. People should know that I'm there but I'm rarely seen. Oh, I see. People don't see the real estate agent in person. They see the sigil flying above the town and they go, crap, I better get home and dust.

I should move my bed to a different room in just in case someone's come to murder me. So Axel ride, I guess I don't, I mean, I know what a real estate agent does on Earth, but I guess I, I don't want to make any assumptions about what a real estate agent is on film. Well, I work for someone known as the Cold Well banker. The cold? Well, the cold well? He's a mysterious man, he lies in the bottom of a cold well.

You've heard of him. Yes. Oh, yes Terrifying he's visited my dreams. He's one of the wealthiest beings in fune Really and he lives at the bottom of a cold well. It's glorious down there holy cow He sends me out to assess property. Yeah for purposes sure purposes Is are those purposes always murder or there are other purposes theft I will also monitor people in their daily lives following them around Sure, have you been following you so around this week maybe Have you noticed that I mostly

Indoor's day the day and then only out in the evenings. I did notice I mostly indoors during the day and then only out in the evenings. I did notice. Shit. So Axelrod, is it just Coldwell Banker? Are there other people that you could work for? There are other people I could work for, but I choose to work for the Coldwell Banker. What isn't about the Coldwell Banker that you live in?

He's wealthy beyond measure. Sure. And so are you, like, does this job pay you pretty well? I look at his clothes. Yes, this robe was custom made in the south. And you know weirdly you sort of smell like like freshly baked cookies. Of course I do. Chant.

Yes, sir. I here tell you are a shape. Shifter. Yes, I ship, shaped. What is it? I shift. I'm so nervous. I shift shape. Oh, I'm so sorry. Another round of drinks, please. Yes. I'll have an elegant lady Oh an elegant lady for a friend Axel wrong. Wait, is that a drink? Of course it is a drink. I don't know I think he's just ordering a lady an elegant lady head out of your ass fat shaggy

Sir, you were saying I yes, I am a ship. use someone like you okay? Could you change into something very small? Yes, I've been all sorts of insect How small are we talking? Small enough to crawl under the crack in a door. Oh, yeah, I could manage that and then Report back to me what you see Yeah, I could become an aunt and just kind of run I could run and tell that yeah I could pay you in a just kind of run. I could run and tell that, yeah. I could pay you in a series of coins.

Oh, a series of coins. Wait, but let's make sure, is it the full series of coins of coins? Of course. Oh, wow, from beginning to end. Are you questioning him? Well, that's my job. There's your cues. Okay, there's this new series of coins.

It came out last year where it's every region of food on the coin on the back. There's like a different area of food and you try and collect them all. Really? Yeah. Like, so like they have Fingeria on the air, the wasteland. And that's what Fingeria is. What is like, so on the coins, are there a symbol for each area?

It's the most popular landmark in each area. And what? Really? So what's the most popular landmark in, say, Fingeria? It's probably the castle. The castle. Oh, sure. Is it a great castle?

It is the great castle. The great castle. I think the Fingeria has the grunge. Mine is your cues. 18 bedrooms, a banquet hall, an armory, a port-cullis made of falcon bone. Oh. Shall I go on, Arnie? Yes.

Please do. I'm enjoying all the details so far. An ivory white tower for archers to dispatch arrows. That's it. That's the whole thing. That's it. Of course, there's a throne room. Oh, of course.

Of course, of course. Wow. It's falcon bones, like a good thing to build with It's the strongest of port callus substances. Oh really? Yes. What's the worst port callus substance mud mud? Yeah, I think you're probably You're really right. No follow questions needed. I think for one second before you ask a question. No Why start now? I mean a year and a half in. Damn it, Fesh Aggie. Pull it together. Hey, whoa! Chill out!

Me and Scooby, alright? You... Come on, did you see that dagger on his side? I wouldn't harm someone who could do something for me. Oh, I'm sorry, you heard me, sir. What could I do for you? What could you do for me, Ony? Yeah.

I'm asking. Oh! I'm minding my cues. Oh, okay fair enough Let me think about that. I'm sure I have something to offer But let me need someone to sit around the house Let me take really sit around that It's worth mentioning I'm not like look I'm fatter than shaggy. But I'm not like, that Shaggy is so Shaggy. How Shaggy is he? He's so Shaggy.

He looks like a dog. What? We'll take a break and be right back. Hi, this is Tannik in the Pinklit. Just wanted to let everybody know that our fund for Save the Pinklit is still up and running and we'd really appreciate your contributions. Thanks so much for considering. Bye now. Wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee I don't know what sort of things are valuable to you. I need someone to feed my escrow.

Do you, someone to feed your escrow? Yes. You're, it's a crow that's in the shape of an S. I use it to send missives and messages. Oh, really? Yes. Yeah, I can feed it like is it a crow? Could you feed it?

I could feed it. It's hard to feed an escrow because it usually has scoliosis. Oh, no. Or spining bifidates. Oh, gosh. That's in the bifurites. Oh gosh. In the shape of an ass. Oh wow. I love birds.

What is your escrow have a name? Why would I name something so fragile? Oh no. I lose escrow. They're very fast, but they're very fragile. I'll feed your ass like what is your escrow eat? Everyone knows that escrow's. It worms and seed, just like any other bird, but you must feed them continuously.

And the more you feed them, the more they need. Oh, do they get bigger? Yes. Of course they do. Oh, yeah, I'll feed your escros. If you feed something more, does it get bigger? Are you fucking kidding me? I suppose if there's anything in the world, there's one thing I should know.

It's that. No, shaggy. Thank, first of all, thank you that. No, shaggy. Thank, first of all, thank you for just calling me shaggy. You called yourself that shaggy? I did. That's true. I'm gonna get so many emails with my friends. I know.

That's a good time to remind people, if you have any complaints about how mean Chant is, send them to chanwis60satgmail.com. You know, here's another thing that I think I have to offer. I don't know if you would be interested in this or not, but it worked for the Baron a couple weeks ago. I have an Oscar-meyer Weiner whistle from another world. And it's just the way, it's not, look,

you look at it, it doesn't look like it's much, like me, but it's from another world. Don't forget, if this is from another world, that pitch would summon an escrow. Really? I could use a whistle like this. Well? Serendipitous? Yeah? Sounds like you're off the feeding hook. Oh great! Perfect. Because I probably would fuck that up. Now it seems you've come to some sort of understanding with both Arnold and Shunt. But still, I am in danger for you have the bitter who may wish to murder me and though I've given you my rock, it seems I have staved off this murder for the time being.

New Siddhal. Yes. While I was waiting for my elegant lady to be delivered, I stood up and sent an escrow to my wife, Trulia. Trulia? And she has sent one back to me and said, we've got a new bitter. The stones were enough to extend your time on form.

Oh, wonderful. Oh, well, I do. But if they don't work, you sidore. Yes. I shall return. Oh, I shall wait for that day. Is it just, is he in a state of just constant bidding now? I was in the middle of a threat.

Oh, I'm sorry. I, so if you do return, know this. I shall be prepared and I shall have some other way to pay the off. Or perhaps I shall suckle the blood out of your very body. I'm sorry, forget that last part. No, no, no, no. Perhaps your price is going down. No! Wait, is that last bite. Oh no, no, no, no. Perhaps your price has gone down. No.

Wait, is that good or bad? I don't know. It's terrible. Oh no. All the price for other people. Yes. I might just have to open it to auction or put it on smigslist. Oh, please don't do that.

Please, whatever it takes, know that you should or shall pay the proper price. If I do respect the job that you do perform, I don't know. Please, whatever it takes, know that Yusudor shall pay the proper price. If I do respect the job that you do perform, I, your very position as a real estate agent, I respect it as much as I respect any flower, dragon, and food. I shall return these stones to the Coldwell Banker. I think the Forth I patience. Do we know who the other could we find out, who the other bitter is,

who wants to kill Yusodor? He works for Centaur 21. I don't know why I'm making this assumption, there's just another real estate agent come here. Of course it is. They're mighty and powerful, and they live out on the plains. And they're Centaur, are they Centaur's?

Of course they are. There's 21 of them. They're the ones who will mind your cues. What are you talking about? I know you're right. And Shantai There's 21 of them. Mind your cues. I know you're right. And Shunt, I do like you, but please mind your pee. Oh, yeah. Sorry. I'm so sorry. Sometimes you just really need to stop and think these things through. When someone says something like Centaur, 21, there's probably 21 Centaur's. Yeah. We don't go out of our way and food to make these things complicated. Come here, come here, come here, stand up. Okay, yeah. Checking you for Red Potion.

No, Red Potion haven't had any Red Potion today. Okay, Axelrod speaking of Arnie, he's been living in the Vermilion Minotaur. Is there, I'm sure they can be a Red... They're a door to the right. That's right. It's three doors down. Yeah.

Is there any open homes in the area that he might be able to rent or to lease? Yes, do you have any tips for us? Any hot tips? Like, I know you mostly gather information for people like to be murdered, but I'm sure you've got to have lots of useful information about just where to live. Ony, let's speak in hypothetical. Sure, yeah.

Let's say you had a series of valuable necklaces and bracelets. Ooh, a series that's hard to go. Yeah. And you were willing to give them up for a place to live. Yeah. I could dispatch myself or another agent to a home that looks nice to you and have that information pass to someone

who might remove the current owner. To the ass girl. I see. I see. And then maybe you would just get to live there hypothetically. Sure. I don't know if I feel good about like,

what a strange transference that would be, but it could happen possibly. No. Hypothetically. I wouldn't bloody my hands with it, of course. Yeah, of course. But if, is there, now I'm worried that like, if someone wants to stay in my room at the Vermilion Minotaur

They could dispass someone to kill me. Is there any kind of like if I'm a renter? Is there any kind of thing I can- I buy to protect myself? I wouldn't stoop to deal with rental property. Oh, I see, I see. Here's my question. What does someone at Centaur 21 have against you, Ysadar? Oh, I don't know. I don't have a good relationship with the Centaur's particularly. Oh really? Yes, he'd never even given me an A. Oh no. Yeah, the Centaur is No, me is Which is just a pity. Yeah, I keep I keep riding by and grimp who've like Waving at them waiting to be like, oh, your name is

by a grim hoof like waving at them, waiting to be like, oh, your name is whatever. Speaking of Axelrod, you said no me. You've heard of Yusador. What are the real estate agents? No, Yusador S. Racklume. Racklume. Yes, I'm known well to the real estate agent says Racklume. I have one more question about Centaur 21.

Mind your cues. No, let's put it all out on the table. Here's my pee. No, no! Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I thought he said, I thought he said. Why would a real estate agent hire another real estate agent to get this information?

That's classified. Oh, that's classified. It's probably to protect our own interest. and then when I paid off Axelrod here with my magical stones he was then able to reveal to me who they were. Had I not done so he probably wouldn't have told us who they were and they would have remained anonymous. Oh wow. Well, I'm just excited that Yusinor gets to live at least a little bit longer. Oh What? Were you sad about that? No, I'm just saying market up to the wind column. Oh, yes.

So Axelrod, what else are you in Hogsface 4? Is it 100% use-it-or-business? Oh, I'll check out the Pumpkin Festival. Oh, yes, the Pumpkin Festival. The Pumpkin Fest? Just a big fan of Pumpkins? They're delicious. Then, you know, then, you know, they're reminding like,

what else? Like, who is Axelrod Remax? When he's not, you know, doing it reminds me like, what else? Like, who is Axel Rodriguez, when he's not, you know, doing real estate agent stuff? I'm just a fellow who likes long walks. Oh, okay, of course. Nature. Yeah. Buildings.

Build spectacle. Nature. It's a wild gamut of things. Vex spectacle. Wow, yeah. What a complicated fellow. I, this one, this is one of the things I love about I love about food like I feel like the world I come from is so complicated like it's so like it's build up so many sort of weird niche things, but food is a little more straightforward

It's like what are you into and people say walking buildings spectacle? You know, and my world people would be like, oh, I'm really into Yeah, what would they say? They really, they really say what? They say, oh, I'm really into the ex files, season seven. And I'm really into like, you said there's only four seasons on earth. That's, that's, season seven, you've been lying to us.

That's true. There's winter, summer, spring, fall, and then all the seasons after the X-Files move to LA, the Wernis Good. This is the least interesting thing you've ever told us. Well, Axelrod, thank you so much for helping me understand a little better how real estate agents work on FUN. The pleasure was all mine.

And if there's anything you need for me to keep me alive besides this whistle, that whistle should buy you plenty of time. Plenty of time. Could you be more specific about how much time I have? A number of seasons, a series of seasons. Oh, a series of series of seasons. Oh wow, in a movie.

No. Oh, and used it all. I like you. Oh, I like it you it was the dark Lord Should have been my first guest. Yes. Yes. Why did we not think of that? Yeah, well, I was going to guess Hank Hey, you know what I'm gonna see if we have any emails this week You can always email me at magic tavern at puppies.supplies.com. What? It's a real email. It's, oh boy, Axelrod, it would take me a really long time to explain what email is.

I have an email here. Oh great. This is to chunt at gmail.com. That's channel 6Ts. Sorry guys. This is from Adam. Adam says, I'm a big fan of the podcast. I've gotten dozens and dozens of people at work.

And in my circle of friends to start listening to, the reason I'm contacting you is for clarification. I was listening a few episodes ago and you mentioned that you have never been a cat before. I think you may have just forgotten what the plethora of animals we've slept with, but if you remember the very first episode you said you have been a cat, I was just wondering if you could please clarify. That's, yeah, I mean, I have been a cat as in the small furry animal. I thought when I was asked previously, when I said I haven't been a cat as in the small furry animal. I thought when I was asked previously,

when I said I haven't been a cat, it's in Fune, if your name is Catherine, sometimes it's sure in a cat. I see. Yeah, and I've never been a cat. I've been a cat, but not a cat. Oh, I see. Which reminds me, we should play a quick round,

just a quick round of cat or cat or doctor. Okay. And you're either a cat, the animal, a cat, a woman named Catherine, who's your name. Sure. Or a doctor. Sure. All right cat, a woman named Catherine who's your name. Sure. Or a doctor. Sure.

Alright, I'll play. You should already go first. I'm worried about your blood pressure. Doctor. Doctor. Good. Well done. Now I'll go.

Hey, what are you guys doing for lunch? Hmm. Doctor. A cat. A... A... A... A... A... Watch. Hmm. Doctor. Gosh cat. I was cat through. Oh, okay, okay, okay, fair. I'd like to play.

Oh, please, please do. Hmm, what's up in that tree? Oh, that's a hard one. Oh, I think, okay, I've narrowed it down to being a cat. But what if it's a doctor who sees a sick person in a tree? It's true. You've played before. Yes.

Oh, it is a doctor. Oh, I did it. Oh, a doctor with a patient in a tree. It's true. You've played before. Yes. Oh, it is a doctor. Oh, I did it. Oh, a doctor with a patient in a tree. Yes. A tree's man. Oh, a tree injured himself trimming. Okay, well here, let's check out some of my emails. I got this email, Greetings, Chunt, and Usador, and Arnie. All this talk of dimensional rifts has me thinking, do you have demigorgans in FUNE? Thanks Brian McKinney, a demigorgan. Who we do have demigorgans? They're powerful creatures with two heads, and they usually live in the underworld.

Wow, I keep hearing about stranger and stranger things. Yeah, there are some stranger things in here. So what does a democorgon have? Like, how does it has two heads? Has two heads? Does it have claws? It does. Does it attack with horns or barbs?

There's no barbs. Well, there's no barbs. It'll, early on, I'll have a barb, and then eventually it loses it. It'll lose its barb, usually around the age of two, or so, it'll lose its barb. I'm very excited about the Democorgon, but I just wish I had more barbs.

More barbs. I really need to get caught up on this in the pandemic hot. Okay, real quick. Let's do one more email. Here's one. My little girl wants to know if she can mail, snail mail, a message to your wife and daughter for you. Why would you make a snail carry mail? That sounds so cruel, they're so slow. You imagine how much you must feed that snail. Use an escrow or an email. Okay, well, fair enough, well, here's the thing. People, I get emails all the time about why don't I email my wife?

I've tried to, I only have his magic tappernet puppies that supplies, but when I try to email, I try to email my wife, I don't know if the magic tappernet puppies that supplies email, like it bounces into her junk mail filter or what. And then sometimes people contact me online, it's like I would like to contact your wife for you and I would love that, but I don't know who to trust, you know. I don't know what strange people to send to my wife on earth.

But that said, I got this email, my little girl wants to know if she can mail a message to your wife and daughter for you, Brad's simculate and his daughter scout. And that is a great name for a daughter. I love that name and Brad, for whatever reason I trust you. So I'm going to try to, I'm not gonna say it over the podcast, but I'm gonna try to send you my wife's address via email.

If I can't check your junk mail filter because you might get a message from MagicTaver and I probably that supplies to send you my wife's address via email. If I can't check your junk mail filter cause you might get a message from magic tower and I probably that supplies to send a message to my wife and let her know that I'm okay. Explain the podcast as best as you can. Make it seem appealing to her. Good luck. So you married?

Am I married? I'm getting, yeah. Yes, my wife, Trulia. Oh, yesterday you mentioned that before. Where do you reside now? In the Northeast. Oh, wonderful. Yes, my wife, Trulia. Oh, yesterday you mentioned that before. Where do you reside now? In the Northeast. Oh, wonderful. And the Southwest.

Oh, do-a-home. And the Northwest. Oh, wow. And the Southeast. So everywhere. So everywhere. Homes are easy to come by. Oh, that's true.

You know how to do it. You scare me. Good, my friend. You know how to do it. You scare me. Good boy. And so concludes an episode wedged between two evils, body-shaming and forcing people to list things. One of them successfully. Usador the Wizard, whose sinister subplot was picked up by no one, was played by Matt Young. John the King of the Badgers was played by Adel Raphai, the more you call out his lazy inconsistencies over email, the younger I become.

And Fat Shaggy played himself. Axel Rod Remax was played by special guest Mark McCongville. You can hear Mark on the Super-Ego podcast and also Pistol Shrimps Radio, which has a new season out now. And if you want to see him live, he performs every Friday with opening night the improvised musical at Iowa West in Los Angeles. Tannik in the Pinklit was played by Sarah Logston. Craig ignore that, it's going to be more Usidor foolishness.

OK, last one. I'll try to intercept more useful emails after this. But here's Usidor's name from listener Jonathan Schaeffer, who hails from Pittsburgh, PA. I am Usidor. Wizarded at 12 realm of Ephesians. Master of Light and Shatter, manipulator of magical glates. The power of chaos.

Champion of the Great Halls of Turokis, the Elznovis fiannielik, the doors of the Azonin and Higstangins, and I'm also known in the northeast, specifically down there in Carson Street, the south side, you know, just the satisfaction square to get with Clipper and I guess whaniest main store. And believe you me, there are other secret names installed on the not in the vibe. Seriously, if you

knew them names, you'd start bleeding from your eyeballs and your face. That is enough. Yeah, it goes on like that for a while. If I want to hear Pittsburgh accents, I can rewatch the perks of being a wallflower. Like I need a reason, you pick up something new from that film every time. Craig, I'm going to send Matt Young a cheat code from my Netflix account because I can't bear to listen to him get left behind again.

Hello from The Magic Tavern was produced by Arne and Ecamp, Evan Jacober, and Ryan D. Georgie, this one edited by Evan Jacober. Music by Andy Poland, Logo by Aller Neekamp, Evan Jekover, and Ryan D. George This one edited by Evan Jekover. Music by Andy Poland, logo by Aller's Lebon, additional audio effects by Jason Knox, production assistance by Garrett Schultz. Visit us at aloefromthemagictavern.com or Facebook or Twitter. Thanks for the Chicago podcast co-op and hey, thanks to Ear Wolf. Alright, time to go organize my series of gem and coin-bestudded amulets, while burning an effigy for every real estate

pun we didn't have time for.