Hello From The Magic Tavern - 80 - Inta and Nerf

Episode Date: September 19, 2016

It's Sunday in the tavern so let's talk to two of our old goblin friends.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungInta and Nerf: Marla Caceres and Eddie PiñaMysterious Man: Tim SniffenTricia: Kate JamesCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Garrett SchultzTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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The following podcast is not real, but it is a proud drone in the Earwolf podcast hive. And it continues to be sponsored by Cards Against Humanity. I know there was some vague displeasure last week over my not disclosing the address by which you can send presents to Arnie and the gang, and far be it for me to anger our fan base. So to send trinkets and workplace branded shirts that will get your employer lots of highly prized buzz, send them to Cards Against Humanity 1917 North Elston, Chicago, Illinois 60642. of Hogsface Land of Food in Julie the Show. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Hello from the Magic Tavern!

A weekly podcast from the magical land of fun. I'm your host Arne and you camp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, it's okay, but here's what you need to know. A year and a half ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the fantastical, magical land of fun. It's kind of like Narnia or Middle-Earth. Luckily, I'm still getting a slight Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through that dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast that I record every week

here in the tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur, in the town of Hogsface, in the land of fune. And I'm joined as always bumma buddies, my co-hosts, my friends, jump the king of the badgers. Bangerang. Bangerang. Is that a new catchphrase you're working on? No, it's just a thing in a few. Oh, what is a bangerang? It's like a curve stick that you throw and it comes back to. And then, so you just said that.

And then, what do you mean, and then? And then, and then, so it's a thing. You throw a stick and it comes back to you. There doesn't have to be a, and then, and then it's a thing. You throw a stick and it comes back to you. There doesn't have to be a, and then. Hmm, I mean, what's the point? It's fun. What's fun about it? It comes back to you.

If you love something, it comes back to you. Oh, God, I love this stick. But sometimes if something goes away and it doesn't come back immediately, that's fine. Yeah, I guess so. Doesn't mean it doesn't love you. Okay, it just means that it's stuck wherever you threw it. And it'll get back when it can figure out a way to get back.

Are we still talking about a bangerang? Bangerang, how are you doing? Ah, I thought I was doing good. But now I'm having a slight existential crisis, but it's all right. I'm doing fine. Are you any closer to getting the lunar sword? I am.

I am actually closer to getting the lunar sword. You know, I feel like I've been just on this one first level of the dungeon, and then I got to this place where there was like a swirling hole, and I went through it, and I crawled out of a well in the middle of Hogsface. Oh, congrats. So like it teleport a well in the middle of a hog's face. Oh, congrats. So like it teleported me to the middle of a hog's face.

So now whenever I go back to the dungeon, I can instead of happen to go all the way through that first level, I can just go down through that well and get in there. You do know that that's the water supply for food, right? Yeah, I don't wanna drink water that you've been splashing around it after you've been sweating and fighting all day.

I okay, but taint our water. You're missing though that like now I don't have to do all that work of going through the first level anymore. I'm at the beginning. I can always go to the beginning of the second. That's good. That's good. No more acid. No more acid. No more stalactites. Great. I'm at making progress. I'm amazing how quickly I'm getting through this dungeon. Yeah, I mean, I feel like it was yesterday when you started this.

Just, yeah, probably. Yeah, yesterday? Ah, it feels like it. Let's not look at, let's not actually figure out how long it's been. Okay. And I'm also joined by my other buddy, my other co-host, Usador. Gravy boat.

What? Oh, it's a great, do they have gravy to grab? Oh, I see. You're right. So there's not a catch phrase. No, definitely not. Wait, wait, wait. No, gravy boat. And then nothing.

It's just a... Sometimes when you have a large, fancy meal, you're gravy in this sort of a long cylindrical... It looks a bit like a boat, but then you should pour gravy all over your food with it. I thought we were just saying things and food. Sure. But you know what? Just because something is full of gravy doesn't mean it doesn't love you. I think you're trying to make something really meaningful that is not a tunnel. May also is and then you're new what's next and then it's my catchphrase. Look it's not great but

I gotta say is it any worse than bang orang? I'm just listing objects around the room. Just listing objects. To what end? Oh, just having fun. Let me have fun, huh? Let him have his fun. For soon our fun shall come to an end when the dark lord doth take his dark hand and reach over all of Fooning.

Or a spoon. Or a spoon. I in squeeze it with his hand until all light and happiness is gone from this world unless you said, oh, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of a Fesiest Master of Light and Shadow manipulator of magical lights, Duh-oh of chaos. Like a champion of the great halls of Trockus. Do it every week.

Known to the dwarves as Zorin who sangies, known to the elves as Fying Yalak and go. This is more upsetting than when you say weird names over my name. I'm trying to be supportive. I'm trying to like I am I've completely come around on your name. I missed it when you stop saying it for a few weeks. I do not want you to stop. I want to just support you and let you know that I love every part of you saying your whole name. Oh fat Shaggy's being so sweet. No, no, these against Granny is my style. That was a one week nickname. That was a just one week nickname.

I disagree, it was not week, it was strong. Guys, I'm so excited. It's been, I think it's been over a year. It's been nearly a year and a half since we talked to our guests this week. It's Sunday. You know what that means? Goblins are around in the tavern. I'm excited to talk again to Einta and Nerf, the Goblin couple. Hey everyone. Hey.

Hey. Welcome back. Welcome back. Yeah. Get to be back. Although, I know you guys are allowed in the Vermilion Minotaur every Sunday, but I haven't seen you guys in here in quite a while.

We've had another 17 and a half, 18 and a half kids. Yes, yes, and I'm currently with Goblin, as well. Oh, wow. So yeah, last time we talked, you had 18 and a half kids, one and a half dives. Yeah, so you had 17 kids. So you've had another 18 and a half kids?

Yes. Yes, all survived. All survived, that's great. You know that? Your horn has to be sore. My horn is very sore, constantly lactating, gamma milk. Oh, sure.

Once again, if any of you are interested? Oh, in some gamma milk? Mm-hmm. I have discovered you can make your own yogurt. Ooh, what spell did you ever make with gamma milk before, Ysador? You took some of her gamma milk to make a spell. Did you make anything or a potion?

Oh, yes, I took that to make a potion of a grant healing. Oh, yes, I took that to make a potion of Grand healing who grand healing. Yes, if you're mortally wounded and desperately terribly wounded you can pour this potion or You don't drink it you pour it over the wound or or Oar or you're good What am I what am am I saying? Or yes Gravy boat Gravy boat

So you, so you, this is your third time around having a litter of goblins? Yes, currently with goblins I'm still nursing my other Litter, but I am working so I'm having to pump my horn Mm-hmm Oh, what is, I mean this is my, I feel like this is maybe too personal But what is pumping your horn? How does that work? That is too personal. Are you just a touch of machine that does the

The extraction for you. Oh, okay mimics the one of the mouths of a goblin infant sure collects the goblin milk And you've never no, I guess it's something we do we do. I done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done the sustaining of human life from mother's body is magical. Is there anything, oh, God, well, you're right, I'm sorry, but we're all humans, right? No, no, not at all. No, no. Typical assumption. Oh, sorry.

They're very human-centric. And now the more interesting thing, and what you said, I would like to expose, you said you're working right now. Oh, yeah. What are you doing that's taking away from your litter? We're working for the Queen. Oh, the Queen's campaign.

The Goblin Queen? Yes. Wow. For new listeners, the Goblin Queen. You saw her for some reason, gave the Goblin Queen a stone of confidence. And now she's trying to take over all the food. This is fiber of my algebra, my algebra of my algebra.

Now, so what exactly are you, what is your role in her grand quest? Basically going door to door, getting signatures. Grass roots, grass roots, that thing, yeah. So you're collecting signatures, asking people to submit to being run or by the goblins and the goblin queen in their quest to take control of the Northeastern food. I didn't, yeah, you're not just having goblin sign signatures, you're going and having

people be like, uh, goblins can come take over this land, sign me up. Yeah, well, what I do is I say, hey, do you want orcs moving in next to you? Uh-huh. No, please sign this. And then they do. Yeah, oh, I see. It's like, I'm afraid of goblins, but I hate orcs. Yeah.

We also resent the term takeover. All this aggressive. I said takeo or. Or, or, or. Oh, then I stand corrected. But she's misunderstood as what we're trying to say. And the truth is, if she was a king, then the attitude toward her would be completely different.

This would be a no-brain. Oh, why I disagree. The goblins have decided to rise up and cause havoc in chaos again. After many years of peaceful coexistence, so why now turn your back on the door? Peaceful to whom? Yeah. Yes.

Tell me when was Foon's greatest time? Oh. Good question. With the grain of King Albaim Beloro. Oh, good old King Albaim. Stick the goblins in the ground. And don't come out because you're ugly and moist. Yeah, when a king is violent,

we're just supposed to think of him as powerful and confident. But when a queen is violent, that's true. I don't know. Look, I'm going to be honest. I don't know. I mean, fibromyalgia seemed a little evil, but maybe I should rethink that. Maybe they're just these societal things that I don't even

know are going on in the back of my brain, thinking that the goblin queen is evil. When really, she's just trying to do the same job, and I'm judging her in an unfair way. Maybe I'm with her. Maybe I'm with her. I'd like to talk about something you just said. I, you said you're ugly and moist.

Yes. You are. To be fair, you are moist. Thank you. Thank you very much. That's just a fact. That's true. And look, I'm going to say it, you're ugly.

I, I, doesn't mean you're a bad goblin. Doesn't mean you're a bad goblin. No, listen, no, I'm a good goblin if I'm ugly. There are many parts of my husband that are uglier than you can even imagine. Ooh, can you see that again? I just don't know if Nerfurder. There are so many parts of your that are so ugly.

Oh no, Nerfurder. Nerfurder, I think we saw some of those parts last time. We're here. Oh, you look really good. Your horn is looking dino might. It's the horn mounds. It's the horn mones. It's the horn mones. The horn mones.

Yeah, the horn mones. So, what is fibromyalgia's plan for food then? Or do you not know, or what's our policies? What do you like about it? I just, I don't know exactly, but I just support her. Mm-hmm. Is it just, can I ask a question? Okay, I'm gonna ask this.

You tell me if I'm off base. Is it because she's a goblin? And you're a goblin? No. Are you always gonna support? It's just like, look, I'm a goblin, I'm always gonna support the goblin choice. Wow.

All right, you know what I'm gonna be honest. Yeah. Uh-huh. Wow, there it is, there it is. Yeah. It would mean a lot, there it is, there it is. Yeah. It would mean a lot to us for our 30-something odd goblin children to grow up in a world where a goblin, a female goblin, runs food.

That's something that you will not be able to understand. 35 and a half. Thank you. Yeah, never in my lifetime has there been any kind of goblin ruler. Yeah. So you want your kids to be able to believe they could be anything they could they can there could be a goblin Yes queen or king right absolutely they could leave the mines leave the underground and do do what they dream of yeah and then Bang a ring I don't know it sounds good when she says it

Do you think you're having a pot once the names have all been collected and all the petitions have been signed? Do you think you will have to take up sort of shield or spear and fight yourselves to run over these lands and do you? Or? Or? Yes, or? It's a word and the language that we all speak, that language we all know. That language we're all speak. That language we all know. That language we're all talking. That's right.

Now, do you think you'll actually fight in the war that's inevitably, must come if she wishes to rule these lands? I'm going to sacrifice that. If I have to send some of my kids, sure, if I have to send my wife, would you go yourself? You see? Are you going to love the life? You are going a huge, huge, huge, huge, huge, huge. I'm asking you if you're going to be my wife. Oh, you think me personally, I'm not, I can't do that.

Why not? Because I have things going on at home. I'm doing a model wagon. A model wagon? What scale? Not a real one. Look, we don't have the resources for a real wagon. But in case you want to get a sense of what a wagon looks like,

here's a model one. Exactly, a nice vintage real wagon. But in case you want to get a sense of what a wagon looks like, here's a model one. Exactly, a nice vintage 65 wagon. You a 65? 65, man. Yeah, really nice. 65 what? Wagon. You may mock my husband, but he's very,

very skilled at building model things. We have a model stool. Ooh. We have a model chair. Wow. And this model wagon is shaping up to be quite impressive. Thank you. And my wife is a vicious warrior.

No, no, no, if you're very artistic, you're well established as an excellent dancer. Yes, thank you very much. And now we learn that you also craft and create these beautiful models. Do you have any other hidden talents? With making love as an art, he is also quite notable. It is, I guess I suppose we've also seen not already too.

Yeah, we have seen that. You could see it again. No, that's okay. No, they're doing it right now. Oh, he didn't even wait. No, no, no. Really, it just is art. It just goes from not happening to happening so far.

And, oh, he's asleep. So to see every now the hidden tile on Swoi, it takes us to fill the map. Well, he's the true soul of a creative person and artist, he's incredibly sensitive. He can be moody. He can take things to the chest entirely too easily. Volatile.

I'm the stable one in the relationship, which is why I'm more apt to being the warrior. And yes, I would, to answer your earlier question, I would take up arms for the queen. All right, all right. My answer question asked and answered. When you find as a warrior, what's your choice of weapon? Arms or?

Well, I like to go. Arms? Oh, what? She said she takes up arms. Well, I like to go. Arms? Oh, what? She said she takes up arms. Oh, I see. Like, did severed arms? Actually. We do sever the arms of our opponents and fight with the arms attached to their weapons.

Wow. What a giant fuck you to someone. Yes. I know. That's not only am I cutting off your arms, but I'm going to beat other, your aggressive aura. Why are you arm-ing with them? Stop killing yourself.

Stop killing yourself. stop killing yourself. Otherwise, I like to travel light and just use my own arms. You have to be very, very, very, very, very nice. And until I absorb the arms of my energy. Yeah, those are some rough callus knuckles. Thank you.

Yeah, you're welcome. I also like to sew. Oh, you're awake. I like to sew. I like to make soups, candles. You're such a gentle soul. I really am. so that's, you're just a home goblin. I am, yeah, I am, I stay close to home. I enjoy taking care of all the kids.

We have a very traditional male, female goblin household. Oh, and that's, and so you would say that you're kind of like the stereotypical goblin household? Yeah, that's great. Which is why we support the queen. Because in my eyes, there's always been a strong female. So, that's, that's, and she's a goblin. Yeah, and you just believe in strong goblin values.

Exactly. You think that that's what's right for the goblins is right for all of fun. For everyone, whether they realize it or not. Oh, whether, they realize it or not. Oh, were they realize it or not? I really want to learn more about sort of your pitch for Queen fibromyalgia, but let's take a quick break. Let's freshen up our drinks, and let's get back into it. So I'm struggling with some of my preconceptions about goblins now. Like I feel like I don't want to be as racist towards goblins as you know

You said or is towards orcs, but orcs are evil. Yeah, I don't know that like I like I sort of was under the impression That maybe goblins are evil, but I don't maybe that's not true. No, no, there's evil goblins sure But not not all goblins are evil Not all goblins But all orins are evil. Not all goblins. Goblins. But all works are evil. Oh, sorry, evil. That is a good question. Thank you.

That is a good question. Absolutely. So I was worried that the goblins were going to rise up and take food, and it would be kind of this bloody disastrous war, but maybe not. Like, I'd be curious to hear, like, if you came and knocked on my door, like, what would be your pitch for why I should support the Queen of the Goblins? Well, first of all, it will be a bloody mess. It will be violent.

Okay. A lot of people will die. Can we do it like, let's roleplay it. Okay. Okay. So I'm in my room and you not be the door. Okay. Okay. Do-do-do-do-do. I'm assuming that you have a bell on your door. I do have a bell on my door. It sounds exactly like. Okay. Oh, okay. Oh, someone's on my door. You it sounds exactly like, okay. Oh, okay. Someone's on my door. You're out of breath because you got a bed.

Yeah, is that the wrong way? Okay. Okay, just a second. I'm coming. We'll quit. 3, 3, little animals that run into your room and you can dress. If you find them, when they grab your shirt and pull it over your head. Wait, is that why I'm always dressed in the morning? Yes. Yeah. Animals are doing that.

Of course. I had no idea. I was thinking I was like getting up, getting dressed and then being tired and going back to sleep. Nobody cares. Get back to the room. Okay. Okay. I'm the door. I'm the door. Grab my knob. Open up. Nerf and I have been. Head with your POI. Mind your your feet. Sorry, sorry. So the door opens. up. Nerf and I have been- Hey, what's your POI? Mind your feet. Sorry, sorry. So the door opens. It's Nerf and I were making love killing time

because we've been taking so long talking to the door. That was- Hi. Hi. We're working for the Queen Fiber Myel, Jack. Oh, okay. As you are aware, she has a campaign to take over and rain over a food.

Yeah, and we're here to ask you just one simple question. Sure. Do you prefer to die now or during the bloody rebellion? Tweet? Slam. Oh, no, he's like in the door on them. Open.

Oh, hey. Hey, okay, so wait, was that a threat? No, no, we're just telling you what's going to happen. If you want to die later, just sign right here. Okay, and if I don't sign, I will kill you. You're gonna kill me. Yeah, definitely. But you seem like such a gentle soul.

Those hands are made for murder, they're made for knitting. That's true. My wife would kill you. Oh, holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Oh. Huh.

Now in the off chance that you shall survive, you should know that the Queen is planning on making Fune a great place to live in again. Oh, she's going to make Fune great again? And you will have shelter, you'll be treated well, you'll have a certain area, we'll put you in. Oh, okay. And, uh, await your death. As a door, I'm concerned about, I heard that the Queen burned a lot of her correspondence

with other royalty. Is that true? You know, that is every, every reigning monarch burns some correspondence for some reason this particular instance is being blown out of proportion. Yeah, mountains out of motels, man. And while we're on the subject, you know, there's nothing wrong with her health. Wait, something's wrong with the gallon queen's health? There have been rumors that there are things

wrong with her health, but there's not true. It's not true. She's perfectly fine. It's perfectly fine. With a name like fibromyalgia, we just imagine she's the picture of health. Why, that's a very common problem. How is it?

Oh, I see. As a bird, how does she feel about worms? The queen wants to encourage the proliferation of worms. Every population should have their own worms. They're tasty. Hey, Inter and Nerf, would you mind stepping out, role-playings the bayonet of the hall for a second so I can talk to my bird in my door? Absolutely.

Softly shut. Bird, door. Yes. I think they're threatening my life. Absolutely. You should sign it. I'll sign it. I think they're threatening my life. Absolutely. You should sign. No, I'm not. I'm stepping out of my role for a moment.

I don't think you should sign personally. Okay. As you said all. But the bird definitely thinks you should. So you said or doesn't think so. But for whatever reason, this is evil. And it's corrupt and they're influencing you by threatening your life to sign this paper.

It's clearly illegal. Look, I know- Just once, look, I know that neither of them are maybe necessarily great choices, but isn't it important to choose the better of the two choices? Choose life. Yes. True, that's your door.

What do you think? I'm just a door. Door, a door. I'm still able. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know, you're adorable. All right, open, open door.

Open. Hey, Inten, Nerf. Yes. What are we doing now? We're back. Can I? Are we back in? Yeah, we're still role-playing.

Okay. All right. So I know you gave me the choice to either sign now and survive, but support the Goblin Queen. Or not sign. We did not see both of us for now. Yeah. There will be a blood rebellion.

Diological. Yeah. I'm just wondering, is there like a third option? Could I just have like a third option besides those two things? You could defer, I guess. Defer? For like a week.

OK. We'll come back asking again, see if you've changed your opinion. Oh, I see. So I could do a third option But it's not like a long-term solution And the meantime may we leave you with this long sign? Do you have just like a Do you have like a sticker or anything or like a sticky version of the sign? I have this circular metallic button Thing. Why didn't you just say button?

It was like it was at a model button. Yeah, it was a model button. It was a model button. It was a model button. It was a model button. It's so redundant. Oh, wow. Yeah, you can tie it to your shirt. And so, okay, role play over. Wow.

Wow. Check it out, check it out, man. That was tough. It's hard to stay in character that long, even when you're just playing yourself. Yeah, it's hard to be a doer. Yeah. I agree.

So, and that's generally how it goes when you go door to door. Yeah, most people don't put up so much resistance Oh, yeah, they just immediately sign they just immediately sign there's not as many questions as their Dordra not during this role play do you think they sign because they're terrified or because they're just not paying attention and just want you to go away 50-50 All right unless they're a goblin most gobbins definitely are on board Is there any downside? Designing like I guess I'm supporting something but like will that come back to hunt me in anyway? You'll get a lot of junk mail Yes, that's too much correspondence that you can just ignore it. Oh, I see. Is it the same pitch to a goblin?

Because goblins are sure they aren't going to be could we do could we roll play you coming to a goblin store? Okay, be careful. I'll play the goblin. Okay, you coming to a goblin store? Okay, be careful. I'll play the goblin. Okay, you'll be the goblin. And I'm gonna be a roll. You're gonna be a roll, like a roll? Like a dinner roll. Dinner roll, you're supposed to be.

Oh, roll play, okay. What are you going to be? I'm going to be a ghost. Perfect. Yes, every goblin has a house ghost as we all know. All right. Dandoon. Oh, let me come to the door.

Hey, here. Where, where, how can I help you, babe? That's offensive. That's very offensive. What, what do you mean? That voice. It's offensive. You put on goblin voice.

I do my goblin voice. Yeah, it's a little over the top. All right, fine. Look, don't, don't, don't do a terrible over the top-the-top impression of a goblin of a go That was perfect Anyway, it's starting it starting Ding-dun Hello, I'm a goblin

Welcome to my home. Hello goblin. Hello goblin. My name is Derm is anybody gonna eat me hold on roll. I'll get to you slow your roll Maybe please time out this roll play for one moment. Sure. I'm sorry that he chose the name Derm. It's okay. What's wrong with that? Oh, is that a... I used to date a goblin named Derm.

Oh. And now there's no way I could have known that. That's a very common goblin name. It's a source of your fur. I do apologize. Oh, Derm! She's a... Derm is a goblin. She created for herself the first time Oh, that's right. I create your ideal mate. That's right. You try

So is a hot Durham all right, okay, let's just start again. Start again. Start Did do also wait, we'll place that for a second. I got to give me one of these goblin dorm. Yeah, do you have to? Love it. I will get a ding-derm. All right, can we go now? Yes. Thank you. All right. I'm in character. Perfect King, dude Hello, welcome to my goblin home. I am Brim. Okay. Time out. Wow What now that is the name of my deceased father? Oh Wow! What now?

What is the name of my deceased father? Oh! Just giving every source part! Give me a name to use then. Tony. Tony, fine! Classic! Classic.

Alright, let's go. Oh, shake it off. Team Doom! Ah, hello, welcome to my Goblin Home. My name is Tony. Hello, Tony. Hello, Tony. How are you this this fine Eve?

I am well. I assume that you're here with the petition for the goblin queen. I heard you are going from door to door in the neighborhood. Yes, absolutely. That is absolutely true. You are correct. Well, I'd love to hear what you have to tell me here. Well, as you know, our queen is rising up and trying to take control over all of food. Yes, yes, yes, yes. We'd like to know if you are a faithful follower

or a treacherous trader. Oh, wait, of course, as a golden eye, am a faithful follower. But what does she think about worms? Arnie, yeah. I wanna tell you something. What's that? I lied to you earlier.

There's no such thing as a big ring being a magical stick. Really? Yeah, there's no magical stick. It's what you call, that's what you call it when you bang a ring of time. Oh. I'm sorry, I lied to you. You're a good friend.

It's okay, but here's the thing. Chant, you can always tell me things like that. Don't feel like you have to hide that. That's the sort of stuff I want to know about. Bang ring is when you bang a ring. Bang a ring is when you bang a ring of time. No one's cold time out. Nobody can hold time out.

I'm very confused. No, no. Is this part of the role play because it's actually not effective? Yeah, we should get back to the role play But I have one more question. Chant. Yeah, for real. Yeah. What's a gravy boat? Tony So tell oh yes ghost what don't let this go on forever. You have your wedding later today. Oh, right. It's my fault this is taking forever.

And don't forget to eat me for sustenance. Yes, quick bites of dinner roll, and then give me your pitch for the goblin queen. I helped. She is four worms. Wonderful. I love worms. She is four goblins.

I like being moist. It is your duty as a goblin to support her. I fully support her. What must I do? And what does signing your petition mean for me? Eventually you must kill someone. Anyone? Well, yeah, the person, the non-goblin closest to you.

Ah, but not the goblin. Good clarification. Tony, don't kill a person. The afterlife is a pain and torment forever hilarious now Yeah, let me sign right here. Don't assume that there's anything good after you die Okay, great house ghost is a real downer. Yeah, okay, you know He's fairly new to the afterlife. So he's just like figuring it out. Mm-hmm. Please display this lawn sign

Oh, thank you. I will gladly do so. And then you'll be receiving some mail from time to time. Oh, wonderful. I can't wait to read every bit of it. Don't forget to forward your mail when you move in with your fiancee. Tina. Tony and Tina, they're ging married. Yeah. Can I come to your wedding?

Yes, you're everyone's welcome to Tony and Tina's wedding Yes, well, they'll be singing and dancing. They will be singing dancing. All sorts of delicious food. I mean Am I gonna have to participate in the wedding? Yes, I'll be a little bit of participation Food won't actually the food won't be the best We have to make a lot of food for a lot of people so it'll be okay So to be okay. Roll play. Roll play. Guys, that's what's great about role playing.

You can really just laser focus on the issues. It's the best way to really explore an idea. Yes, I feel much more well informed now. And it was nice to get the practice in too. Yes, thank you. That was so succinctly done. Nerf and I role play all the time. Oh no.

In a different way. Here we go. Oh They just pulled out hats. Now they're going at it again. Mind your piece. Look at me. I'm a human. Oh I think he's a ship captain. I don't know what kind of happen is I have no horn Because I'm human This is really insulting look at my delicate skin. Oh, it's so non-moist and dry. I live for a brief period of time. Here's some mayonnaise. Ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha! Well, Einta and Nerf, thank you so much for coming by and I guess letting us know more about what's going on. I'm really very confused. I don't want to make assumptions about the goblin queen, but also I do feel like I do feel like I'm really very confused. I don't wanna make assumptions about the Goblin Queen, but also I do feel like, I do feel like I'm a little frightened of what will happen if the Goblin Queen comes to power and food.

Oh, well, it's kinda, you guys' fault. You gave her the confidence. That's true. That is true. That's totally used to our fault. Well, I asked her to give that stone back. That stone doesn't do anything. All my stones are magical except for that one.

Except for that one. Well, you can always threaten to move to another magical land and then not follow through. Yeah, that's true. That's true. Thank you for signing the petition. Oh, I did sign it. Oh, it's, but that was during a role play.

No, that was a counter. That was real. I had my fingers crossed. Oh, great. So mine just says Tony though. Good luck finding me. I have an email here. This is from Kevin Bradshaw. You can of course email me at chunt at gmail.com. That's chump with 60s. Kevin says, chunt please. You've obviously been asked about the best form you've taken as a shapeshifter, so I'm not going to ask that.

Instead I ask, what's the worst thing you've changed into? Oh boy, the worst thing I've changed into. Yeah. I feel like maybe when I was in A-Fid? An A-Fid? Yeah. What is... Is that like a tiny, tiny bug? It is.

What was terrible about it? That I'm a tiny, tiny bug. Yeah, I almost got squished, non-stop, and birds are flying around trying to eat me. It's kind of amazing that you've survived being all the different animals that you are. Yeah, I've been, uh, been lucky. You were that really stupid dog that one time. Oh, yeah, that wasn't that wasn't great either

Yeah, that was pretty brutal. I mean I like dogs generally, but man that dog was stupid Yeah, every time every time so me called my name I'd scamper in and like run so hard that I'd slide on the floor and slam into the wall Oh, sounds adorable. That sounds adorable I have a package here. Oh, sounds adorable. That sounds adorable. I have a package here. Oh, that's right. People have been sending packages through pushing them through the dimensional portal

by the Burger King. Yes, there's a bag in here, and it's filled with T-shirts. Oh, wow. I could use some clothes. And they all say observer on this server. Yes, and there appears to be a piece of parchment with lots of pictures and writing on it that also says observer. So let's us as observer media. Dear Arnie Yusodor, etc. named stuff and chumped. Hello from the New York Observer. We love your

podcast and though we don't have any candy, we are enclosing some supplies. We stocked you up with some L and XL observer t-shirts Oh, just one XL Let me see those. Let me see if there's another X in there anyway. No, no just the one X. I'm sorry. Oh You'll make do FS Arnie can wear them while doing super crunches and Sean Can use them as soft bedding and And there are blue ones for Yusuror. Also since Arnie will never talk about Earth stuff, we're enclosing the latest edition of our publication. Hope it clears some stuff up, love and snickers, Drew Grant, art and entertainment

editor, the observer. Why don't we ever call him Blucidor? Oh, that would be good. And the ... What did ... and the badgers know him as Blucidor. Me, you go nuts, I'm not going to say it. So as always, you can email me if you send an email to MagicTaver and at puppies.supplies. It's a real email address. Here's an email I got a little bit back. I've been listening to the show and notice you often

shout, boys night, but they spell night K-N-I-G-H-T. Is this a reference to the legendary boys night of Foon who led the children's crusade forcibly conscripting thousands upon thousands of children into a religious war against the Goblins? I think he's awesome too, despite never winning a battle or bringing a single child home from the war alive, oh. The Boise Knight won the war because the trauma of murdering thousands upon thousands of children caused the Gobins to simply give up

Interesting tidbit although not one goblin was injured in the war Goblin suicides went up 500% the next year boys night exclamation point I think I'm offended at the cheerful tone You used to read that email which recounted one of the darkest times in our history. Oh, it seemed, it really seemed, it kind of seemed dark from any perspective. Yeah, it was. But you read it really, it would have really upbeat way. Oh, did I? I think I'm just naturally an upbeat letter reader.

Also, it's just a night when all the boys hang out. Boys night. Boys night. Boys night. But if we're talking about the boys night with a KNIGHT, boys night. Oh, boys. Boys night.

Boys night. Boys night. Boys night. Oh, boys night. Boys night. Boys night. Can you tell us about the food fighters now? No, maybe next episode. We'll talk about the food fighters. All right, well, let's read one more email here. My wife and I are on episode seven

with around 70 something more to go. Can you just give us a quick recap of the past 70 or so episodes so I can get caught up faster thanks in advance? Mark and Mary Nymphius and then their actual home address is below here which I will not read I'll be nice so what? Onnie did nothing I'm amazing. I'll take that address. You'll take that address for the letters? Yeah there's no I mean a lot of stuff has happened. Arnor almost killed me.

Still might. Sean had a curse and almost died. I was a crocodile. Sean was a crocodile once. He was a tiny horse for a little bit. Eucidor. What did you do, Eucidor? Have you done anything in the last couple of episodes?

Yeah, there's so many people to join my quest. I have burnt off my known beard. I have trapped my loved genleviere in a crystal coffin and she did fool me by replacing it herself with a plate of croissants and then I replaced myself with a bag of muffins. I and then she turned herself into a rack of ribs. I are love quest of astral plane projection continues and in now I speak to makeup artists. I speak to all manner of person. I speak to princes who all want to join my quest and defeat the Dark Lord. I,

area week, I go stronger and stronger and prepare to take him down. So you can skip all those mental episodes. Airy? What? You said airy week? Airy week? Airy week? Airy week? I go over and over the things that I have gathered and make my list. And I go over the list. And I make sure that everyone there is the counterfall. Boys night.

Boys night. Boys night. Prairie boat. Coincidentally, Bangarang and Gravy boat are two of the six words that make Haley Joel Osment imprint on you in AI. Look it up. Usador the bird was played by Matt Young. Sean to the door was played by Adel Raphine. The goblin couple, Intia and Nerf, were played by Marla Caceris and Eddie Pina. I'm always

happy to hear the guests show up, because that means our regular crew has finally run out of ideas. Marla is a writer for Second City and performs regularly with Eddie and Adel in World News tonight at Chicago's I-O Theater, she's well versed in the Adel's special brand of light-hearted arguing Oh, and if you were wondering which regular character is secretly the dark lord Hey, hey, I'm sorry to interrupt. I'm in the back alphabetizing the Fleeze bows Do you want those to be alphabetical front-to-back your alphabet my alphabet? There's just a lot of variables. They have to be in the proper order, yes, but I'm a scotch-busy right now, Shrisha 8050.

So, okay, got it. You just want me to make like an executive decision and go for it. That's what I'm hearing. No, I want you to make the right decision. The right decision for me in this moment, yes? I guess, but the galaxy is at risk if you do it wrong. Okay, the galaxy, and is that sort of metaphorical, or is that actual? literal.

It's always literal. I'm always literal. Okay, I'm just gonna write that down. It's always... It's a lift, okay. Do you have a pen? This pen doesn't. It's like a gravity thing, a pen.

We need to get, do you guys have any of those pens that work like even upside down? You know what I mean? Yes, I've seen Seinfeld, the good years, not the finale. Please, Craig, apparently I have to go hold Trisha's hand regarding every galaxy destroying thing on today's to-do list. So do you want me to finish the outro stuff? Hello from the Magic Tavern was produced by Arnie Neacamp, Evan Jacober, and Rhyndi Georgie.

This one edited by Garrett Schultz, Music by Andy Poland, Logo by Aller Plabon, Additional Audio Effects by Jason Knox, Production Assistance by Garrett Schultz. Visit us at hellofromthemagictavern.com, or on Facebook, or Twitter. Oh, and don't forget hello from the Magic Tavern will be performing a live at the now here this podcast festival in Anaheim, California the last weekend of October. So many other awesome podcasts are gonna be there too. Comedy Bang Bang, lore, how did this get made?

Doug loves movies, WTF will be there. I do not know how we got into this thing. And now tickets are available just for single days if you only wanna come on Saturday when Magic Tavern is performing. But you know, hey, come to the whole thing, that's what I said. You can get more info and buy tickets

at nowherethisfest.com, thanks to the Chicago Podcast co-op, and thanks to Earwolf. Craig, remember to note the time in which I lost interest this week? It was exactly during Arnie's adore word, Smithery. Yeah, I'll definitely write that down. I don't have a pen, but I'll just remember. pen, but I'll just remember.