Hello From The Magic Tavern - 88 - Dragonborn

Episode Date: November 21, 2016

This week I interview a lizard guy who's here to fix up the tavern.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungPreckle: Ryan RidleyBlemish: Martin WilsonMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Garrett SchultzTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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The following podcast is not real, but it continues to be a structurally flawed lifeboat clinging to the side of the massive Carnival cruise ship that is Earwolf, and it's still sponsored by Cards Against Humanity. Want to send a package to the show? Send it to Cards Against Humanity 1917 North-Eelstonin Chicago, Illinois, 60642. Someone from CAH will pretend to get your package to the magical land of food. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Arne Neekamp, if you've never listened to the podcast before, this is what's going on.

About a year and a half, and a bit ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a burger king in Chicago, into the magical, fantastical land of fun. Luckily I'm still getting a slight Wi-Fi signal from that Burger King through the portal and I use that to upload a podcast that I record every week here in the tavern the Vermilion Minotaur in the town hogs face in the land of fun. And I'm joined as always by my co-hosts, my buddies, my boon companions, Chunk, the King of the Badgers. Oh, yeah, baby. How you doing, bud? I'm doing well doing good. Yeah, is it doing well doing good doing well doing good? Yeah, okay?

I'm always confused because what I say if I ever say if someone's like how you're doing I say doing good they're like well, you know heroes do good. Oh, you're doing well And then I just hate that. Ch Sean, this is a personal question. Yeah. Do you think of yourself as doing good? I'd like to think so. Are you doing good for the badgers? You, they made you king of the badgers.

They made me king of the badgers. Lately, things have been a little weird. I get the feeling that the pranks have gone too far. The pranks? There's been a lot of pranks pulled on me. The other day, I was walking into my Into my private chambers. Oh fancy is your life. You have not invited me over to your your bet your new fancy Canada Badgers a boat. I don't I'm trying to be sensitive. I don't think he'd fit. Oh, and that's not like I don't think most people would fit

I say yeah, but it's pretty nice. I mean it's tiny, but it's nice It's bad your size. It's bad your size. Is there much of a view? Is it underground? It's underground, but it's pretty nice. I mean it's tiny, but it's nice. It's bad your stuff. It's bad your size Is there much of a view? Is it underground? It's underground, but I have a corner thrown corner thrown Just a thrown in a corner. Yeah, okay. Well, it used to be front and center But they moved it to the corner and I also faced the wall So I don't know what that's about. Yeah, it doesn't seem positive and they gave me this sort of pointed hat that I wear It's like a cone. It's like an upside-down cone Uh-huh. Yeah, so I don't know what that's about and so what are they've been doing? And they gave me this sort of pointed hat that I wear. It's like a cone. It's like an upside down cone

Yeah, so I don't know what that's about and so what are they've been doing a lot of pranks? Plenty of pranks. I feel like you know I walk into my chambers and I get you know pig's blood dumped on me Everyone's laughing How do you know it's pigs blood? Oh, I know you taste it My taste have we talked about my taste what, what's my taste buds, my senses. You're an animal are heightened. Yeah, yeah. That's pig's blood. Yeah, yummy, yummy.

Yummy, I can smell you from 10 miles away. Sure. I've never had to smell you from 10 miles away because you stay put, pretty serious here, you're a smear. Yeah, but I could smell you from here. And so they drop pig's blood on you but you somehow, you're like, well, there's pig's blood around here. Yeah, but I'm smell you. Yeah. And so they dropped pigs blood on you, but you somehow you're like, well, there's pigs blood

around here. Yeah. But I'm sure it's not going to fall on me. No, yeah. I mean, I smelled it. But I was like, maybe that's just like, you know, somebody's drinking that like some weird ritual or something. So they had to like carry that pigs blood into the room to dump it on you. Yeah. You mean they moved it from one place to the other? Yeah, they had to carry it. Okay, if you want to use that word. Sure.

And did you get blood all over your palmas? Your palm. I'm thinking about trying to go undercover with the Badgers. So like, I take off my crown, I don't maybe talk as much. Maybe I chatter, shares Badgers do. But just kind of going undercover to see like what people off my crown, I don't maybe talk as much, maybe I chatter, she has badgers, do. But she's kind of going undercover to see like what people think about me, what the badgers think about me. Oh, an undercover badger?

A badger king or something? Oh, wow. That's not a bad idea. You should do is you should find like a popper. What is that? Like just a poor badger and just switch places with them. OK, yeah, I will do that. And then if anybody has like somebody's wife is sick or something,

like I'll give them some gold coins or something, make myself seem like a real big shot. Oh, sure. Do some good as we were to circle back. That's a great idea. How are you doing? I'm great. Yeah, I'm so excited that we haven't introduced Yusidor.

Yeah, this is the longest, except for when Pizza Skull is here. This is the longest we've gone with other new people. I know. He's still just really going to town give him a back rub, right? Yeah Pizza Skull is here, this is the longest we've gone with on a new vehicle. I know. He's still just really going to town give me a back rub right? Yeah, and he is vibrating. Hardly really. And I'm also joined by my co-host.

I am Musador, Wizard of the 12th realm of a fesious Master of Light and Shadow, manipulator of magical delights, the Rour of Chaos, Champion of the Great Puzz of Trogus. The Edelves Nomi is Fyingights. The hour of chaos. Champion of the great halls of Trogus. The Edovesnomeus fying y'allok. Thank you, Y'allok. The Dwarvesnomeus is a zone in a hook stingy. And I am known in the North East as guests, Waineyesmeister. And there may be other secret names.

Do not know. Yeah. How's your back feeling? It feels great. I feel very refreshed. Thank you. When you were dead, the thing I missed the most was the back ribs. Oh, so did I, Arnold. I have a great pleasure to release the tension in your back

that does seem to grow from your inability to move. It's very stressful sitting in the stavana all day. I would imagine so. You know, I learned one of your other secret names. What's that? I realized that the blades of grass now use Johnny Downstream. That's right! Of course! Every single blade of grass that does grow up from within the dirt, does know me as... Johnny Downstream.

Johnny Downstreams, of course! What of my most beloved names? For when I am barefoot and I walk across the grass. They feel the warm, sweet sweat of my known feet upon them. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry Did you just talk to the heavy were you have you been talking to blades of grass? I mean everyone's small sure Just lay down gets talking Lay down look up at the stars here their whispers. I feel like I'm not smart enough for this conversation. I don't have the wit man Maybe how about our guest is there a Walter's You know, I'm very excited guys. This is kind of one of the coolest looking guests. We've had in a while

You guys are very cool. First of all, you're not guests. You're co-hosts. Yeah, but we look cool as fuck. You do. You're a talking badger with a crown, and you're like a... And piercing. I mean, you're just mostly just Gandalf.

What? Never mind. But this guy looks even cooler. He's like a lizard guy. Surely that's not what you call him. I don't know what he's called, but he looks like a lizard guy. Surely that's not what you call him. I don't know what he's called, but he looks like a lizard guy. He sort of looks like something Captain Kirk would've fought

in like an early episode. What is that? I don't want to talk about our stuff. I'm really excited to introduce Preckle, the lizard guy. Hello. Hey, Preckle. Oh, sorry.

There's some slime in my throat. Sure. It is not from my, it's outside slime. Oh, it's like a guzzling some slime. Yeah, I'm sorry, lizard guy. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm new to this world, so I sometimes get the names of things wrong. Sure.

What do you think, what should I refer to you as? Well, I suppose if you're looking for something something it would be dragonborn is the technical term Yeah, so we're in of dragons born of dragon born of a dragon born of a dragon. I got a dragonborn on the show That's amazing. Yeah, did you call him a lizard person to his face? I got an a lizard It's almost insult to his face, but very near his face. Breckle it is an honor to meet you Thank you making a big deal about it is almost as bad as calling me a lizard guy. I just want to be treated like everybody else. Oh yeah.

I don't really fetish eyes, do I? Sure, yeah, of course. So, yes sir. You know, you're either a fan or a friend, you know. Sure. Yeah, just one of you guys just happened to be born from a dragon. Born from a dragon? Yeah.

This is, I don't know if this is a personal question. How does that work? Well, let me ask you, what were you born of? I was born of human. Okay, how does that work? Well, how does that work? Yeah, how are humans made? Humans are made when a man and a woman

love each other very much. They get married. They have a consensual intercourse. And then nine months later, a stork comes, delivers a baby in a tiny little nappy that's sort of bound together, and it holds with its bill. A drop that down the chimney, leave it under a tree, and on Christmas morning, the parents come down, take the baby, unwrap it, and they have a baby. Now see, it works a little bit differently here on Foon.

For you see, the parents do not need to be married. And once they engage in the Quaterl Act, all that has to happen is he incinates the woman and then nine months later, through her vagina, a baby will squeeze its way out into the world. Yeah, also on Foon, Storks eat babies. Oh no, really?

Oh yeah. So much child death. Yeah, I was trying to high-road you, babies. Oh, no really oh, yeah so much child death Yeah, I was trying to high-road you but by team you up to say that it was gonna be the exact same way that dragons are born But no obviously totally different. Oh, I see we're born that way the day month gestation and then squeeze that of a vagina Yeah, that's a total vagina route. Yeah, yeah, I'm very impressed by the intelligence of Storks on your world Also just a heads up just just for future reference in Fune there's there's certain types of you know creatures or beings that you highly respect. Okay, one absolutely is the Dragonborn. Okay, they're born of dragons. They're tough as hell. You don't want to get on their bad side. Okay, two there's a great warrior from long ago ago who was Jason the Fantastic and anyone born of him,

anyone who's Jason born, you wanna clearly respect, don't look him dead in the eye. Sure, you know, pay him any, yeah, no, I, no, I, courtesy, you can. Yeah, thank you for giving me that ultimatum. Now, preckles, as what a dragonborn, you must be a great warrior, a mage, or a traveler who sings great songs, some sort of

bard. What is your profession? I've dabbled in a few of those things. You know, my parents were relatively wealthy. So I did. Yeah, did they sit on a giant pile of money? I could quench a little scround. That's a bit of a stereotype.

I'm sorry. The Dragon Boards sit on money. That's an old trope like let's let that go Well, I'm sorry. So are are your parents dragonborn are they dragons? Well, there's the long line of dragons all the way up Yeah, they're all born from dragons Yeah, and I'm really only about one percent of the dragons sit on a giant pile of coins and such this you've Not to think of one exactly you have to really think about the dragon middle class where they're working class dragons instead. Yeah, so I don't want to paint the picture that we're all. My point is, I've been blessed,

and so I've been, you know, I went to art school for a little bit, I played in a band. What was the name of your band? It's the dragon, the dragonborn. Oh, really? Yeah. You're about the music. It's like, just like, don't give us a cutesy name. We fought about a lot of different names. Oh, the dragonborn. Oh, really? Yeah.

You're about the music. Yeah. It's like, we thought about it. We thought about a lot of different names. What were some of the names you thought about? Um, the gold sitters. Yeah. The cave dwellers.

So, Mac. Yeah. The dragon-birthers. The dragon-birthers. That's a variation on the dragonborn, honestly. Yeah. I've heard a lot about the dragon birther movement? Yeah, there's some controversy. Sure, but I could show you my birthered if I get that's what you're getting at. During my time at the great halls of Tarakas, I was in a band called The Wizards. Oh really? Yes. What did you play?

Xylophone. Mm-hmm. Pregal, what was your instrument? What do you play? Do you still play it? I dabble every now and then. Stand up bass. Stand up bass. Wow. Yeah. That's amazing.

It's pretty funky. It is a sexy instrument. Yeah. It's a sexy instrument. We've got one here if you'd like to play it. Oh, yeah, sure. Absolutely. Okay.

Just start going to town. Yeah, just pluck around a little bit. Okay. That's good. That is very good. Oh yeah. Oh town. Just pluck around a little bit. Okay, that's good. That is very good. Oh yeah, I'm gonna slap it now. Ooh, slap it. Slava to base.

Wow, God, this brings back memories. Wow, Prima. So you're a musician. I'm a dabbler, but right now I'm a professional interior decorator, thank you. Oh, wow. What a dangerous job to enter someone's home where they could kill you without any warning

and then to redecorate it. Well, they usually get my business card from a friend. Oh, yeah. And this isn't, I'm not asking because you're Dragonborn, of course, but do you practice like Feng Shui? It's called Sangtum. Oh, yes, yes. Oh, yeah.

No, if it's the same thing. What's Feng Shui? We call it Feng Shui. It's when you to him. Oh, yes, yes. Oh, yeah. No, if it's the same thing. What's Feng Shui? We call it Feng Shui. It's when you're decorating a home, you try and hang things around or claws or any sort of talons. And you kind of center the room around that. That's the main focus.

Focus on the fence. And then you murder somebody in the middle of the room. Oh, yeah. You kind of put down some tarps. You slip their throat and then that kind of blesses the home. Usually it's a child. And wherever the blood does go, then you know that's the fang shui. That's fang shui?

Yes. Wow, it's kind of the opposite on my world. Like if there's a murder in a home, it's like, I don't want to live here anymore. Oh, man. I'm going to have to tell anybody that asks that it happened. If you kill two people in a home, that's a Carlito shui. Just a little more. The guy who invented that Carlito is a weird dude. It's funny because it's true.

He got a little carried away. He started killing two people here, three people there, and then Carlito Shue became a very murderous practice. So, Breco, what is your sort of philosophy of interior design? Minimalism. Mm-hmm. So, I mean, right now, this place, I was actually, I'm supposed to sit down with the owner,

I believe his name is, Mish, Mish, Mish, Mish, Mish, Mish, Mish, Mish, Mish, Mish, Mish, Mish, Mish, Mish, Mish, Mish, Mish, Mish, Mish, Mish, Mish, Mish, Mish, Mish, Mish, I think you've got it wrong. Uh, blemish, maybe? Well, the owner is Otock Wileyfoot, but he's been gone for a while.

Oh, but blemish has been in charge for quite some time. Yeah, let me see. Yeah, we were communicating via Crystal Ball. Oh, wow. And so the signal kind of gets broken up, like I live a couple of comments away. Yeah, I'm going to start calling them a smishman. A smishman?

Yeah. That's a friend of mine's name. I don't know, I get confused. Sure. Absolutely. So Crystal Ball doesn't always work very well? Which just depends on what kind of coverage there is. Sure. Other certain areas that you can get better.

Absolutely. If there's giant crystals, like towers of crystals, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. Then sometimes you'll go into a forest and you're like, oh, everybody here is not getting very good crystal ball reception. No, it's a bummer. Especially if you have plans, you want to meet up with somebody or like, you know, you're rubbing the ball and you can't get a connection. You're rubbing them all. Yeah. Crystal coverage will go dark. Yeah. Sure. Absolutely. It's frustrating. So you were saying you're talking to smishmash. His name is blemish. Okay. You know, I get it. It was funny that I got the name wrong. Don't worry. I always just called him the boy. It's a power move.

So you were talking about doing something here to the familiar minute, or? Yeah, well, if he's interested, I've got some ideas, I've got some thoughts. Well, I'd love to hear. I mean, I'm also technically Cohen charge of the familiar mentor. Is that true? Yeah, I mean, I haven't done anything. That's right, I forgot about that. Yeah, you didn't lift a finger.

I haven't done almost nothing. I mean, my job is mostly to keep blemish under control, I forgot about that. Yeah, you didn't lift a finger. I haven't done almost nothing. I mean, my job is mostly to keep blemish under control. So I started going, I guess it's all right. I don't see him much. Yeah, where has he been? Like, he's always down in the basement. I've never gone down there.

There's a basement? There's a basement in this place. Well, that's nice. We could do something with that. Well, so what are some of your ideas for the the tabern well um I want it put in a mechanical minotaur oh oh mechanical what would that be people have loved to ride a mechanical minotaur really yeah yeah that's what I think I think this need this place need some more fun oh sure I mean it is I mean it's mostly just kind of

like a hard drinking place I mean the most active thing that ever happens here is us doing this podcast. Well, I'm hoping to get a younger, more affluent crowd to come in here. Sure. Maybe get one of those. There is usually a game of offices and bosses going on over in the corner. It's a role-playing game where people pretend like they're in a fantastical world where you go into a simple gray office and you sit behind your desk and you have What are they called what are they called you remember chant?

Cube it's a magic screen sort of like Arnold's magic screen A laptop your laptop. Yes, you have a laptop there. It's wonderful. It's a wonderful game They're the youngest people that come here, but they're also a bit It's a wonderful game. They're the youngest people that come here, but they're also a bit Antisocial. They sound like nerds. Can I say that? Yes, I was trying to not say nerds. I Just learned that word. Oh really? Yeah, you know some of my earth slaying has sort of started to spread around the land of food I've known. Buyaka shot has Yes, and also wait through owls. Yeah, is that, wait, through owls? Through owls, yeah. Is that how you learned the term nerd?

That's how I learned the term nerd, yeah. So what, walk me through the story. I mean, I was on my way here. Yeah. And I had to, you know, take a break. Sure. You wander, you can only wander so long. Sure.

And I sat down and I ate a sandwich. Were you lost when you were wandering? No, I was a straight line. It's a very, it's like a one long road from where I lived to here. The wanderer's road is the main road. Yeah, you just start wandering, you can't miss. You'll eventually get to this place.

All who wander are not lost, okay. And then I'll land it on my shoulder, which was a little bit starling at first. Yeah. And he just started, I don't know, dropping some, I don't know. So he called you a nerd? Yeah.

Of course not, I'm not a nerd. Oh, sorry. Sorry, no, no, no. No, clearly he's not a nerd. He was trying to get me to go beat up some nerds with him. Yeah, sure, but I'm not. How terrifying. Imagine you're a nerd and a dragon guy

with an owl and an owl and a stroller. Or an aggressive owl at that. Now usually in Fune nerds, or usually roughed up by ogres, like ogres will get drunk and just be like, nerds, nerds, nerds. To the nerds ever get their revenge on the ogres? Ooh.

They can raise an army. Yeah, they could raise an army. An army of nerds. I must take some um umbridge at this story We see everyone knows that I love birds. It's well known that I love birds But let's be honest Owls are the nerdiest bird that owl is acting out that owl knows it's a nerd so it's like let's go beat up some nerds It's turning on some kind to try to build itself up. That owl has low self-esteem,

Buyakasha. You know what? I'm very excited. I still want to hear a lot more about some of the things that you would do with the Vermilion Minotaur to kind of spruce the place up. But let's take a quick break and do you want anything to drink? Brekkel. I've got some more slime. Oh more slime is gonna drink your Prykle juice. Absolutely. Alright, alright so we'll take a break and we'll be right back. Do you ever notice I'll also only take two licks and then bite down their food? I am blemish, the new potent taste of the Vamilian Minotaur.

Changes are taking place here, great changes. Like the hourly dowsing of the hearth fire and the removal of most of the wall sconces, so that all within mirror-reveled in the inky darkness, in preparation, for a great meal, had a reasonable price of course. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha You got some feather. You got some feather. Oh, yeah, all right, perfect. You said, all right, he just ate a live pigeon. Yes, but I thought you loved birds. I do, they're delicious. Okay, fair enough. Pregal, what are some things that we,

what are some other things we should do to get like a younger demo to come into the tavern? Well, this decor is dreadful. Yeah. So, you know, I see this place is built into a tree and it's got that earthy, sort of, I don't know, gothic-y feel. I'm talking a lot of dirt, it's very dirt.

Yeah, well, we're gonna get rid of that. We're gonna put a stone on the floor. Wow. Like a royal. I would love to do a throne room theme. Ooh. Actually, that's, yeah, a throne room theme. It'd be great.

Why should the, only the royal get access to that kind of vibe? You know what I'm saying? So is this gonna be kind of like a theme restaurant where you kind of go in and you sort of pretend to be having some kind of experience? Or actually having it? I guess you can't really pretend to have it. You'll be having it.

Yeah, I mean, there's gonna be a cover charge, so. Oh, wow. How much? How much charge? Yeah, like a couple gems. Oh, okay, how much? How much do we charge? How much? How much? How much charge? Yeah, like, a couple gems. Oh, okay, a couple gems, that's not ridiculous. So, a couple gems are jewels to get into the tavern? Yeah, you know, you gotta build the height, you know what I mean?

The other thing we're gonna do is we're gonna have a guy that stands outside, probably an orc or something large and intimidating. You saw a really, really, though. And they'll be a lot, really? Why? Well, they're evil. They're all evil. Every single one of them. Now I'm not racist. I love all sorts of creatures and people of the world of food.

But orcs, every single one of them is evil for sure. Yeah, you know, I'm new to this world. So I can't tell when he says something. Is it just like an older guy who's racist about a species? Or are they really just all evil? They are all evil, but I like that. I don't know what the problem is. If you're using him as security outside to keep evil people out, who better than evil itself to sus out evil?

I feel like I'm at Christmas dinner with my uncle. Can I ask you something? Please! I don't know if this is throwing off your idea, your vision. What if we had a machine where you put in, you know, a gold coin and like the dark lord's head pops out and punch it as hard as you can. And there's like a guy next to a machine that tells you probably how hard you punch

the dark lord in the head. That's how I wonder. That's why warriors can come to the barn. That sounds so much fun. Yeah, can time see who punched harder. I can get, I can find somebody to that. That'd be great. Oh, yeah, yeah, to craft that yes, it might require some sorcery But no we might actually be able to get the dark lord himself in the machine. Oh, I don't know that would be one day

Dream big. Yes, trap him in a machine forever. Yeah, yes, that would be wonderful What a fate. Yes, what a what a wonderful turn of events that I would be able to punch him every single day for the Dark Lord is my greatest enemy. And Sunday I shall step out of this tavern where I shall quest against him. I shall hunt him down and I shall destroy him with all the mite that you so door doth contain within this earthy flesh. Then I will simply trap him in this box with the help of my new friend, the wreckle, and punch him in the face of a day. I didn't, I'm not gonna help you trap him in the box.

I, oh, provide the box. Oh, that's not gonna get crazy. All right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, I understand. If he can be trapped in a box, I can, I'll get the box. What if we trap him in a box? That you go to and you make wishes, like say you wanted to wish to be bigger. Oh Arnold, never make such a box. Never make such a box. I, yeah, for it to make ranch you all your wishes. But what in turn would happen is you would learn a lesson about life that you did not expect.

Tis always the way of magic wishing boxes! Yeah, I was just gonna tell you about my friend. He came upon this box in the middle of the field. And he was like, what's in that box? What's in that box? He's real nervous. And he finally opened it. So funny. What is in the box? Oh, is this wife's head? Wife's head. You never had that pulled on you? What are your friends? Is that a common build? Wife's head in the box? Oh, gosh. No.

I've had a couple ex-girlfriends. But never. Never. No. See, that's tragic. That's tragic. Oh, what? Tragedic?

When is a girlfriend, but no one in so wife? Now, this wall here is completely covered in moss and gunk and vines and all sorts of manner of disgusting things. We're going to get rid of that. OK, rid of that. Okay, rid of that. What would you put there in a big swirling portal? Oh!

Yeah. To where? Back to Earth. Arnold here is from Earth. I'm trying to get back to Earth. Not gonna go anywhere. Oh, yeah. So you just step in and you come right back out? You'll bounce right off it.

The illusion of travel. The illusion of life. Well, sometimes when you have a portal in a room, it makes it look bigger. Absolutely. It's nice to sometimes when you have a portal in a room, it makes it look bigger. Absolutely, it's nice to put a bunch of portals in a room sometimes and you're like, oh, this isn't, it really adds to the feeling of the space in it.

And people, it'll be like a conversation piece. People are like, where does that portal go? Right, right. It'll be like nice for the lighting too. Sure. It'll make everyone look more attractive. Oh really now, we were talking. That's the goal.

So you're gonna do things to the tamer and that's gonna make us all look more attractive. Absolutely, tricks we were talking. That's the goal. So you're gonna do things to the tamer that's gonna make us all look more attractive. Absolutely. Tricks with lighting and then of course spells. You said or you're a wizard. Duh. Why have you never done a spell to make us all look more attractive?

Because I am already magnificent as I am. And I cannot how you look for you. Just the way you are. And I love you nonetheless. Oh thank you. Also those are expensive spells. Yeah, I want a lot of ingredients You try and make a glamour without paying full price the glamour can add like 15 pounds 15 pounds. Oh, yes, you don't you don't want to you don't want to go cheap on a glamour

Yeah, you'll end up with something pretty nasty sure But listen if you listen to me in my voice this place is gonna be the hottest Tavern in all of food. What are some of the other taverns that you've worked your magic on in the past? The Granco Burncall? The Granco Burncall? The Granco Burncall? Oh, I'm sorry, the Granco Burncall. The Granco Burncall in Skurr?

Yeah, have you heard of it? Oh, yes, I go to Skurr all the time. Oh, it's the hottest nightclub in the food? Oh, it's wonderful. Yeah, absolutely. Oh, well done. Do you do different things in different taverns or is it always kind of the same approach?

Well, you can't. You got to read the region. Sure. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's a little bit different every time. That place also has a portal. The first time I went to the guncoe book,

I went inside, and I went, my goddess, there is a moon hanging from the very ceiling. I liked shoot everywhere from this moon, but it turns out it was just a ball that was covered in all sorts of reflective materials. And then the lights just shone off it in a wonderful way, but at first I thought it was the moon coming to kill us all. It actually was a small moon. Oh, wonderful. It was a small moon that we lasted from the sky. Oh, smart. And then covered in reflective surface. Oh, my favorite bar of all time is times.

Have you been to the times? Times, no. You go into times, you sit down, they put like a fake crown on you, and there's nights jousting, you know, you're eating turquilates. Yeah. And you're like, let's go in pretend like we're living in these times. Yeah, yeah, it's the best. That sounds awesome.

This place is around every corner though. You know, that's not special. It's a bit of a shame. I agree. They're a little bit cookie cutter, you know. And then the fights aren't even real. Nobody really dies. I can just go out in the street and watch people die.

I mean, you come into this tavern, you're going to see somebody die. There's a good chance. Yes, there's a good chance. Oh, not anymore. Oh, what? No deaths. No deaths. No deaths in the tavern.

Oh, what a shame. So is that like a rule or something that's gonna prohibit it from happening at all? Uh, you know, like I said, spells, works, uh, you know, there'll be things. Now, there's gonna be lots of torture and carnage. Don't get me wrong. I hope, I know everybody can relax. I was very concerned there for a moment, and I was going to ask if you're not going to have death, can we at least have free popcorn? Limes will it be severed still, believe you me.

But severed limbs are just as good. Now, preckle, the stag's head has been above the bar here in the vermilion minitour for the last ten centuries or so. Would you would you let us allow us to keep the stag head over the bar? Absolutely now I do you one better. Yes. I'm gonna reanimate it. Wonderful. So we'll be able to talk and sing songs and oh my gosh I wasn't sure if I wanted to have you decorate the bar but now I got my mind set on you. Yeah I actually want to go back just a couple questions. You said no one will be able to die in the tavern. If we get that spell and say I stayed in the tavern forever and never left, would I live forever?

Absolutely, it'll be a pretty dull life, but you can do it. I mean, I don't know, I'm kind of enjoying myself. Really? You could do this for another thousand years? I mean, a thousand years? First and foremost, I wanna go home. I wanna go of enjoying myself. Really? You could do this for another thousand years? I mean, a thousand years? First and foremost, I want to go home. I want to go back to Earth, see my wife and my family. But if I am here, like, I can say in this tavern

and live forever, maybe live so long that I would just keep going until the end of time, maybe flip around and come back again. If you're that much of a pussy, another word the owl taught me. He is. About dying, then yeah, you can do that. But that may look kind of like his that. That a house a dick. That's never word owl taught me is oh he is about dying then yeah, you can do that But oh that's a lie is that that a house a dick. That's not a word. He taught me. Yeah, that's a bad thing call somebody

Yeah, okay now it makes sense that I was like hey, there's some nerds put these in dicks over there Let's go do stop there Anything worse he didn't learn from me. Yeah, some of the words he taught me were sounded pretty offensive. I don't, yeah. I'm, I can only, well, but that must be out of the talk. I don't know. He had a word for Hispanic people. That's, he said, this is a bad word for Hispanic people.

And then he said the word, and I'm not saying that word. But I don't even, are there Hispanic people in food? Like I said, he had some, you know, he learned it from you. The mention, I would never say anything about it. He said, I will claim. I didn't want to say it. He said he had some learned it from you. I would never say anything about how I'll claim. I didn't want to say he said he has a psychic connection to you and he was telling me all the words that you think the most. You're always thinking

those words and he's like these words that they're always in the tip of his lips and he wants to say them but yeah. Yeah. So this is what he told me. Oh, that might make sense now because I remember the owl talking about locking onto a pole or What is what is that locking out joke about a pole lock a pole lock? No, I don't I don't think of I'm the I don't think about terrible things about People and groups that I secretly want to say how do I know these words then? Yeah, and what's a light bulb? And why is it takes so many pole locks to change one? Arnie, I don't think you're racist. All orcs are evil. Every single one of them. Without fail, every single one. Great, I don't want you on my side.

So, Prakil, thanks so much for stopping by. I'm so excited to learn about all the stuff that's gonna change in the tavern. Like, when is this gonna happen? I mean, I'm here to do a job, so, you know, I can do this too, but yeah, it's gonna happen over the next six to eight centuries. Six to eight centuries? That's how long it takes? That's average, that's average. But will we start seeing changes immediately or... Well, it depends on your definition of immediately. Uh-huh. You know.

You'll probably be dead long before the immortality spell keeps going. Yeah. Yeah, we don't do that first. Yeah, knowing my luck, that'll happen like the dayality spell case. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we don't do that first. Yeah, knowing my luck, that'll happen like the day after I die. I, well, one can hope. Hey, John, have you had any emails this week? I have.

This is emails received at chuntedgmail.com, that's chanted60s. First one is from Emily Ebna. Hey, Fum friends, love the podcast. However, can y'all call out Arnie for saying sure every other word? Thanks. You do say sure a lot. Sure. This other one here is from Rae Dev.

Dear Trun, I really enjoy the podcast learning about the land and the food and so fun, and I wish Arnie would teach you more about Earth stuff. Your show has kept me company when I had to take lengthy journeys to the north of our land in order to escape a horrible storm that went by the name of Matthew. It had me wondering, has Fune ever experienced any notable acts of nature that went down in your land's history? Oh, that's a great question. Well, there was the wall of fire that had spin-tax to solve. That's right, I don't know about that. Of course, there was... Oh, we had the dust plate.

The dust plate was a terrible period in Fune history. Around the good depression. The good depression? Everyone was depressed, but it felt good, because everyone was depressed. Yeah, it's like, hey, we're all sharing this. Feel a part of this, yeah. The batsworm?

The batsworm. Oh, my goodness, I nearly forgot about that. 100 years of bats. Really? Just like everywhere. I'm pretty aware. That's awful. It's like you opened your mouth to take a bite of gruel and it's like, oh, there's a bat

in my mouth. Great. Did it just naturally ended? Did someone stop it? Yeah, I think it just sort of peed it out. So it could come back. Well, occasionally you wake up with a bat around still. Yeah, it's kind of the end of it.

It's like, you know, there's like 16 or 17 bats still kind of, yeah. Hey, I have an email here. As always, you can email me at Magic Tavern at puppies.com. I promise it is a real email address. Here's one. Hello, Arnie Chunt Yusador and any guests. That includes you, Prakow.

Thank you. Now that Arnie has witnessed the death of Yusador, does he have the ability to see puppies in food? Thanks, Kate from Canada. That's true. Have you seen any puppies? That's my half-death and resurrection. I have seen a couple puppies.

Apparently there are puppies in Foon, I never saw any, but you have to... You have to witness death before you can see a puppy. Yeah, and I've seen... I actually had any number of people die in this tavern, and I have over times seen a couple puppies. I think, or maybe they're just small dogs. Well then, I can start providing supplies to these puppies. With your email address. Sure.

Stop saying that, booyakasha. I'll spare you the sounds of the human actors packing up their recording equipment and going back to their hollow lives. But needless to say, none of that really happened. Usador the Lighter Blue was played by Matt Young. Chant the King of the Badgers was played by Adel Rathai. Pregal the Dragonborn was played by special guest Ryan Ridley.

Ryan is a writer, producer and voice actor on the show Rick and Morty. Blemish was played by Martin Wilson. Hmm, oh is a shame to producer, and voice actor on the show Rick and Morty. Blemish was played by Martin Wilson. Hmm, it was a shame to end a list on Martin. It's like watching a long string of Fourth of July fireworks and then throwing a damp pie into the air. Craig? Don't have to be so curred about it. Hello from The Magic Tavern was produced by Arnie Neacamp,

Evan Jacober, and Ryan D. Georgie, this one edited by Garrett Schultz. Music by Andy Poland, logo by Albert LeBon, additional audio effects by Jason Knox, production edited by Garrett Schultz. Music by Andy Polin, the logo by Alan LeBon, additional audio effects by Jason Knox, production assistance by Garrett Schultz. Visit us at hellofromthemagictavern.com or on Facebook or Twitter, and don't forget to go to store.earwolf.com

to get some awesome magic tavern shirts. Thanks to the Chicago podcast co-op, and thanks to Earwolf. Last thing here, I got a bit of audio sent in by Julie Tangy, although maybe not by her. I can't quite tell. Let's listen. Dear Chant, this is your mother. I have longed for you, unlike you can imagine. And while my longing for you is real and born out of the thorax from which you came,

I do not know the best way to approach you now that you have forgotten such fame for a podcast to another world. This is great, but we're just going to fast forward a little bit for time reasons. And yes, if you join the great crusade to fight the dark, dark, dark Lord, I am with you myself. If not, hey, peace. Let's get a cup of coffee. Love you. Bye.

Powerful stuff. Thanks, Julie. I guess that's it. Bye. Thanks Julie. I guess that's it. Bye.