Hello From The Magic Tavern - 95 - Tom the Spy

Episode Date: January 16, 2017

Prince Tomblain has infiltrated Shrike to spy on the Baron and Dark Lord. It's time to hear what he's learned.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungTomblain Belaroth: Steve WaltienMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Ryan DiGiorgiTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzSpecial Thanks: David HermanYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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But our meager potentially violent fanbase insists otherwise, so is altering slip-shard world building it is then. Enjoy the show and linger after the credits for an extended sneak peek at the ill-advised Magic Tavern Spin-Off podcast, offices and bosses, available now at howl.fm-slash-magic. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast on the magical land of fun. I'm your host Arneanie Camp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this was going on about a year and nine months ago I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical

fantastical land of fun. Luckily I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal. I'm sure through that dimensional riff from that Burger King, and I use that to upload a podcast. I record every week here in the tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur, in the town of Hogsface, in the land of phone, and I'm joined as always by my buddies, by my boon companions, a chunthakang of the badgers. Hey, oh, hey, how you doing? I'm doing pretty good, how you doing, my boon companions, a chun that came out of the badgers. Hey, oh, hey, how you doing?

I'm doing pretty good, how you doing, aren't you? I'm doing all right, it's weird. I haven't really talked about this. I think I had a good birthday, but I can't remember. Like, I don't know if I had too much to drink or something. Are you fishing for us to celebrate it again for you? I mean, no, no, because here's the other thing. The all I do remember is that I have this general feeling that it was great.

I have this, like, these warm feelings about it. I sort of vaguely remember hanging out with a small magical creature, which I'm guessing is you, so I'm guessing we had a fun time on a birthday. Yeah, absolutely. How is, and you, your birthday as well? Yeah, I mean, my birthday shifts around, but yeah. Yeah. How many, how many times a year do you have a birthday now? Well, I don't, I don't want to talk about birthday stuff.

You don't want to talk about birthday stuff? Although I am excited to say, in the new year, I'm trying to be a little more entrepreneurial, trying to make things happen, you know, not just talk, but do. Yeah. So I just opened up a new food cart, um, a cheachy's job food cart. Oh, wow. Um, we do exclusively sell, um, but soup on the street. It's like a street street cart or food cart.

And my friend, uh, PD, the, the pussycat, he sells the but soup. So, um, the title of it, the, the name of it is, uh, but soup pussycat. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What's a, but soup pussycat? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What's it called? Butzoo Pussycat. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Butzoo Pussycat. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I got one for once. Hey, and I'm also joined by my good friend, Yusidor. I'm Yusidor. I'm a drug friend with the easiest, I just like it, so maybe later, I have magical delights, a devour of chaos, champion of the Great Hustle, Tragas, the elves and the bees fearing I like the doors from the zone of the Xtangies,

and I'm no other than the orthes, the gasmeen, the East May style, and there's a bunch of other names you don't know. You said, what's going on? I am rushed through that. Usually you, like, you just like, make a meal out of every word. I'm a wizard on a mission.

Arnold, we have five weeks left until we leave upon mine quest. What's that? I am buying supplies. I am preparing the group caravan to set out. We only have a small amount of time left. Why? Because that is the date that all of the stars align and tell me it is best for us to set up on our way now that we have a full band of Merry Makers and adventurers to

defeat the Dark Lord together. So you said, what is happening in five weeks? We're leaving on the quest to go defeat the Dark Lord. Well, we've been talking about that for like a long time. You've been talking about it for a long time. I'm 300 years old! But you know what? This is all I was brought into this world to do.

You know what? You're right. Normally I'd be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, and I would do whatever I can. We would not take it seriously, but I just feel weirdly refreshed after this last week. I've got renewed sense of energy and purpose. Guys, is this a year where we get serious?

Guys, this is the year where we get serious boys here boys here Boys here look if there's every time a year where you just got to get a little momentum going It's at the beginning. Let's get on this quest before the natural just like Shit of the year just stops us from doing anything. Didn't you say this morning that you were gonna work out every day now? Yeah, I'm gonna work out every day now. Wait, let's start with that. Okay. We'll wait to glare five been serious since then.

Monday. Tuesday. Flerns day. What are the rest of them? I'm truly trying to make out what every day the year is. We wrote it down in your room. You have a calendar in your room. You know what that reminds me?

I had all of those little Post-it notes. Someone sent through the portal for me. Those little fun little Post-it notes that I could write things down on. And they're like all gone now. Like all my writing material is gone after last week. Oh, last week when you were having such a revelry for your birthday that you just wrote a bunch of notes

and gave them out to people to say how much you liked them. It wasn't that somebody took those notes and did something more productive with them. Yeah, you stuck a bunch to my fur. them out to people to say how much you liked them. It wasn't that somebody took those notes and did something more productive with them. Yeah, you stuck a bunch to my fur. That was a good time. What was the term? What was the nice note that I wrote for you? One of them was like, uh, lilac, which you told me means love you like a sister. Oh, that sounds like something I would love you to like a sister.

One was TTYL, which you said he said meant talk talk y'all listen Which I didn't understand but I still don't understand that yeah, do I really no Yeah, yeah, don't don't tell him that he was home. No, I'm not gonna mention. We agreed not to mention it I don't want to bum him out. They he stuck again. I know So I don't yes five weeks left.. They, he stuck again. I know, I know. It's so out of. Yes. Five weeks left. All right, yeah, you know what?

Let's just embrace it. Let's get prepared. Let's go on this quest before we second guess it. Before some other stupid thing comes up and stops us. Five weeks from today. What stupid things have been popping up to stop us? I literally every week something stupid pops up and stops us.

What, like what? Like, um... Hmm. You don't want to know, I think about it. I think what the fuck has been stopped? We've been in our own way. We've literally just been sitting here. We're doing it to ourselves.

We have not done anything. I travel nearly every week looking for information and spells and setting my minions about to help me. I even know here that's a... Why don't we check in with one of our most important Quasters right now what yeah, hold on This is what I was doing when I was over at the bar. I was getting this pool of still water What I see is a large ball. Yeah, it's a large bowl full of. Still water. Still, it is very still. But what if I just gently... ...cow, as it's still water?

Wow, I feel like eventually that bowl will be almost famous. And let me just... ...just... I mean, if a dog drink that, he'd probably get a fever, right? Mm-hmm. Who's that? Whoa! He's got an unfold yourself.

The water's talking. Tumbling. It is I, Usador. Usador? Yes, I have contacted you through the pool of water. You're coming from the puddle? Yes, that's me. An Arnold he is, and so is Chant.

Yeah, look down DC like a puddle of mud near your feet or something. Oh, yes. That's us. We're the puddle of mud. Okay, let me distract the other guards. Okay. Hey, Marcelis, Bernardo, what's that over there? Is it something...go look? He's good.

He's very good. So, are we talking to Tom Blaine, Beloroth, aka Tom the Traveler? Yes. We probably shouldn't say his name, his actual name over the communication, right? Yeah, from now on, so that no one accidentally overhears, we won't mention the fact that he's really Tom Blaine Bellaroth, son of... Albanon. Albanon Bellaroth, King of the North. We'll call him.

Yes, it is I, Hank, God of the Dark Palace. Oh, he's worked his way up to God, that is. So, so hank, what happened? Let me kneel beside you. Okay, Marcelis and Bernardo are going to look for a sound. They're going all the way down the hill to the lava river. They're looking for the sound by the lava river. Yes, but the lava river is quite loud and hot.

So they should be back in just a couple of minutes. No, no, no, it's gonna take them a long time. Oh, oh, oh. I feel like a lava river would be a great place for a fight. Because if you got high ground, you could force your enemy down and then burn off his arms and legs or something. Sure. Seems like a good idea.

If I were to fight someone, I'm gonna fight them near a lava river. A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a Lord has many, many powers and he is fed. He's six of them. Flying. No one. No one. Eating very quickly. Two. New that one too. Seeing through one war, but can't see.

So if you're in next room, you can see you, but two rooms away, he can't. Three. Oh, that's new. The Sonic levitating, which different different from flying is a short Levitation from which a sonic pulse comes out and it makes your ears bleed and Burning things from the inside So that one's quite quite quite unfortunate to watch because someone He'll be like you have displeased me and then you'll

think oh nothing's happening and you'll be like maybe he's not quite so powerful but what you don't see is this starting to burn from the inside and then it gets really ugly. I have seen this one, it is ugly but the person afflicted with this evil hex is first like, oh, I'm just so thirsty. Yeah, it's hot. Oh no. Just get some water in here. Oh, it's like I just ate a pepper and then their entire body is engulfed in flames.

Oh. Yeah, you're burning from the inside. And even people who've seen it before, they're thinking, oh, it can't happen to me, but it does. How many was that? Five, five. Oh, yes, and the knowledge of true love. Oh, six.

Oh, this six. That's guy, that can be evil. Well, but it's a terrible paradox because he can know it, but he can't have it. No, no, what could be more dangerous? That was the worst pain of all, and that's why he's the Dark Lord. Hank, what has it been like for you, infiltrating in Shrike and kind of like getting closer to Baron Ragoon and the Dark Lord?

Well, I think I'm in a position maybe to clear up some misconceptions about the followers of the Dark Lord. To be clear, the Dark Lord is pure evil, but I think a lot of the elites in the Northeast paint the followers of the Dark Lord with too broad of a brush and really for most people here in Shrike is about being really unhappy with the economy and And it's not all bad, there are definitely some bad people who support the Dark Lord. But I think if we really want to heal as a phone, we have to understand, and that's why I can recommend some books, what the hell happened to Shrike is a great one. Shrike, Shrike Billy-Ellogy. It's sort of getting inside the heads of people who live in the dark countries and they feel like leaders like my father have ignored them and you know, my father doesn't even visit Shrike. I fear I must be the bearer of bad tidings for you. I see no. Your father, Albein, cannot visit for.

He cannot visit anyone. He has sadly shuffled off this mortal coil. He dead. He dead. Does that make sense? He dead. A sentence too sad to contain a verb. He dead. Yes, I felt this in my heart as I have

been called forth to the north to do the bat dance and yet some questions remain of course they say there have been rumors that he was killed Some foul murder has been committed on my father. Well, I don't know that anybody knows that it was murder. I think he probably just died of natural causes. And even if it was murder, it wasn't necessarily foul murder. It could have been like, it could have been like an accidental murder. It could have been like, whoops murder.

Whoops. Yeah. Yeah. Whoops murder. What have you heard? The I mean, it's not like there's a trickster god involved or anything. Yeah, I've heard it was definitely like not Accidentally reversing a curse on one person and killing another person. Don't tell me all the things It's not we could be here forever. What have you heard that it might be? I cannot lie to you. You have pledged yourself to my inquest and I must share the truth

with you here. I'm sorry, Arnold. I am sorry. You can't light him. And a trickster god did trick us, the three of us, in an order to save Chun's life. Another life was lost. We knew not who it would be. And when the trickster God did cast his spell, Chant was saved. Albane's heart has broken in a twig. Yeah and I had at the time I had a caterpillar in my hand and then my stick arm got turned into a real arm and the caterpillar is still inside me and sometimes it wakes me up in the morning. I just wanted you to know that. So think about that. So think about that. So you killed my father?

That's bad. Well, already did. To be fair, I was like, Oh, well, hold on. I said I didn't want to do it. And you said, Did you know that the Dark Lord has probed my soul to find out information about you, honor?

And I have kept it from him. But now that I know you killed my dad? Oh, Tom. No, it was an accident. I didn't know. I had no idea what- I had no idea who was gonna affect. I just thought I was saving Chant. This is pretty shocking news to hear from a puddle in the middle of a lava castle. Hank, Hank, listen to me now.

What? What? Be mad at Arnold. Why not? Sorry, Nick. Because the real problem was Dorian Deville. He is your enemy. I'm sorry, but that's not really easy for me to hear right now. I understand.

Because I don't know if you've ever lost a parent who attracts to God's trick, where someone anonymously kills someone, but doesn't know who it is, but it still ends up being your dad. Because what people forget all the time when a trickster God comes to them and says, I can solve one of your problems, but some random person is going to die, is that that is someone's dad,

or someone's sister, or someone's brother, or someone's brother and their dad, or someone's brother and their dad, and also someone's son. People have different meanings to different people. Never thought about it like that, now I feel terrible. Everybody is somebody's sister and dad. On all definitely made the wrong choice on that day.

I'm sorry, it was iffy ethical quandry. How about you make it up? You said that in that choice, the king of the badgers is more important than the king of the people. No. Oh, you didn't? Because I think you did, and that is racist. Is it? Well, yes, because you say in the king of one race is more important than the king of another race.

But then he does. That's the definition of racism. It'd be racist either way then. Exactly, so don't make the choice. All right, fair enough. All choices are racist. You've spent too much time in Shrek, I think. It's terrible here. There do you know that I'm at the base of a large black mountain

and at the top of it there is a giant eye ringed with flame. Oh gosh, oh that's not scary. Yeah, and that eye stands for I'm watching you. Wait, the letter I. Oh, it's a letter I. Yeah, but it's well known what it stands for. Oh, yes.

And it stands for I'm watching you. I am watching you. It could really. So when you see that eye, it's really intimidating because it's a reminder, because you look up and you think, what was that? Oh, yeah, since when I'm watching you could be ice cream. I've heard that I doubt it's ice cream Arnie starts with an eye. I've heard Hank, and I don't know if this is true or not. I heard that the dark Lord in certain areas of the country probably in Shrike has been sending a lot of decrees like whenever he feels something he just immediately sends out a decree through a bird?

Oh, no, yeah, I mean he's crazy. He's pure evil. Okay, but the problem right now is the electrical college But what's this now? It's an electrical college the electrical college and that's how he maintains his legitimacy Because if you disagree with him, he sends you to a college where you get electrocuted. No, terrible. It must be overturned. Why have the problem is, just because someone that you don't like is taking over Foon, you can't then retroactively say, oh, I don't like the electrical college, because it served us a lot in the past when there were kings that people didn't like

and we just electrocuted people to like them. I'm nine and a half million. Wait, what? Wait, what? I don't know that I agree necessarily with what Tom Blaine is saying, but it is true. The electrical college does electrocute people

the best way you can. I'm staring into a puddle in the middle of a lava castle and You've just killed my father and what am I supposed to do? It's been a little while. It's been a while happened a while Oh, so you just bothered to call just now. Oh, we should have called. I didn't know it was an option I have good news to Tom Blaine my mother's dead too. No, no, no, no All right, here's what you're going to do. And when I'm done talking to you, smash your foot in the puddle so all the water is splashed out of there and then run inside the castle and find the nearest basin fill of water and

I'll call you back. That way at least you're not talking into a puddle. Okay. Hold on one second. Also, Hank, real quick. Yeah. If you're able to, just because, you know know if they have any sort of major wizard that might be able to trace this call, if you're able to can you 69 with someone underneath a star, I think that will prevent the mages from

being able to track our call. Oh yeah yeah yeah no I've got somebody right. Okay. How long is I gonna take? Well we'll take a break and then call you right back. Sounds perfect. Here goes my foot. Well after these messages we'll take a break and then call you right back. Sounds perfect. He goes my foot. Well, after these messages, we'll be right back. So, you said we're- we gotta get back in touch with- with Tom Blaine, and yes, he seems- He seems- I feel really bad. He seems upset. Well, he- we did sort of kill his father. But also don't feel too bad. He's right now. He's 69ing under the stars All right, well this water cadence

Wait, is it still happens Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, I am! I'm excited to get out of this tavern, to get out of Hogs face, see a little bit more of a Foon and and go off and defeat the Dark Lord, you know, how long could that take? You know a couple weeks? A couple of months. I was. Yeah, I'm gonna use six months two years somewhere in that. Two years? Somewhere in that range. Ah, here's the thing we're thinking of.

Do you think a quest could sustain for two years? Probably not. I'd tune out. Alright, let's get in touch with the talking guy. Yeah, I don? Probably not. I'd tune out. All right, let's get in touch with the team. I don't call back. Touch this one. Touch it. I don't know if it feels really good.

Hello? Who's that? Tom Blaine. Hello. Which one of your three identities are you right now? I am still Hank. Oh, OK. OK, good.

How are your other personalities fitting in and shriek? Well everyone knows me as one of three people. A Hank, the Angelo Capricius, and one more. Grumblewalt's Shimmer Schwitz. Exactly. That way I can be three different guards at the palace. They're all guards? They're all guards. Because as an actor, it's very difficult to switch. Well, shit, is one like the main guard or like the point guard?

Like, couldn't the other two like, one be a forward and one be like the center of attention or something? One could be over the forward and one could be the center of attention. Okay. One, two and three. Oh, so two guard and a three guard. A two guard, a three three. Oh, so two gardener, three gardener. A two-guard, a three-guard. Yeah. I have to be very careful because I am in the Dark Lord's bathroom.

What? What? Describe it! Describe it! Why did you go in there? Wait, is it a wall he can see through? It was the first place I could find after my 69 under the stars. Now, far be it from me to criticize. But three guards, really three guards?

Yeah, you could have different jobs as different people and find out different things. The whole point of you going there was to be a spy. Are you at least three guards in like different aspects of the tower? Let me tell you something about acting. When you get into a role and you do research on that role, it's very difficult. Find an actor okay who at the same time plays the father of a family the mother of a family all the different children in that family that's nutty Edmund Malfiano does it all the time oh yeah now he is good yes he's very good

Yeah, now he is good. Yes. He's very good Yeah, does that one I am my own husband I am my own daughter. I am my own son. Now you're right But I I've seen many things here. I think I can provide Information oh, yeah, what's some of the information that we could use on our quest against the Dark Lord because we're gonna leave in like five weeks Weeks we gonna head out. By the way, just really quickly because it just did a 69. And it's been a long time since I've done one. Yeah. Because you would think that that's something that you would do all the time. And then you're like, eh, because it's not as good as it should be.

Sure. On paper, the idea is that like you're getting the best of everything, but it's either hard to focus on what you're doing or Hard to feel what's being done. That's very true. It can be distracting. The first time you hear about it You're like this is all I'm gonna be doing from here on out And I think as you get older you sort of like Yes, I'd rather just do some 60-sixteen Wait, what's 66? What do you think? Or a 34

Oh my gosh, a 34? No, that back gets me going No, I'm fucking a chair What? What? Now, Tumbling, uh, what? What information have you found out that you can share with us before we set out on the quest five weeks from now. I feel that you may be able to buy yourself some time as the goblin army stands between the dark lord and the north. If the goblin should fall, the dark lord is I view him as unstoppable right now. I want to paint a bright picture.

I want to say that things are good, but they are not. I think we are living in an unprecedented time of evil. And that is real talk. I think that things are worse than they've ever been in our lifetime. That sucks. Yeah, there's not much to do about it other than to realize how bad that is sucks. And now that it's probably going to get worse before it gets better. Would it be helpful if all of us tried to like knock at a sleep for a long time like just stay awake for a long time would that be helpful? I think you've got to stay woke I don't think you have a choice. Yes, and but

Arnold I want you to know that he is focused on you. Yeah, why is he so focused on me? He screams out your name. Oh, and then fire shoots out from somewhere. Was he 69 in before he yelled out the name? I don't ever get a good look at him And honestly is scarier that way. Oh, yes, because you would think oh, I'm gonna show you the worst thing that you've Have seen is the dark Lord, but I have never actually looked at him directly. No. Oh, and don't think for a second that he doesn't know that he's using that. He knows that if he seems mysterious and hard to see, you can't look directly at him or you can't say his name or any of that crap.

That they know he's so scary and bad when he's really just a giant man with 12 fingers and 7 faces. 7 faces? This is the first time I've heard about this, he's got 7 faces. That's probably somewhere. We didn't tell you you got 7 faces somewhere. The fact is that if I were to look directly at the Dark Lord and just look and stare at him, I am worried about the CGI. What the? What's the CGI?

What's the CGI? Cranial grade insanity. And that is when you look at something so terrifying that it's insanity of the... You know, there are different grades of insanity. Temporary sexual insanity. Temporary sexual insanity. Temporary sexual insanity, insanity of the leg, which is like blamed for most bad dancing.

Yes. There's like torso insanity, and then there's cranial grade insanity, which makes you act crazy. Yeah. So, oftentimes, when you look at a monster directly, you perceive the CGI. Have you noticed, if you at a monster directly, you perceive the CGI. Have you noticed if you encounter a monster oftentimes,

you look at it like quickly from the side or you're moving quickly and then you pass it, that's because your brain can't handle the CGI. And if you were to look at it, cranial grade insanity would take hold and it would almost look fake. You look at a creature too long, you're like, it's just too much CGI. Yeah, fun cany. Yes, exactly.

No, exactly. So that's why oftentimes if you're involved in some kind of altercation with a monster, it's very scary at first, very scary at first, and then all of a sudden, you get a good look and CGI, and then you're feeling bad. That's because you're insane. Yeah, but Tom, we need as much intel as we can get from you. I don't know how long the this water communication is going to stay open. Tell us everything you found out. What is this bathroom like? What stuff is in the bathroom? If you open up the cabinets, what stuff is in his bathroom cabinets? What does his poop look like?

There are no lights in the bathroom. There are bats that look like people and people that look like bats. It's very confusing. Oh, there aren't any about right now. In his bathroom? Yes. They hang upside down from the ceiling.

Which ones? The people. Wait, are you sure you're not in his bedroom? No, that's a different room. Okay. And that's terrifying. No, it's awful down here. But I think you have to understand

that people here are really struggling and that's why they're supporting the dark law. I want to work and help to set them free. They're just people who have problems and therefore they are willing to overlook pure evil. Yes, we must not air look over pure evil. For evil, death happen when good men and women and dwarves and elves stand up and do nothing,

which is why we are leaving very soon. Thank you, Tom Blaine, for this critical information, and we shall work to keep the goblins and the Dark Lord working each other as we work towards the Dark Lord ourselves, if they are embroiled in combat. They shall not pay as much attention to us, I think. But indeed, what more thing from you. I guess. Tom Lee. Well, yes. The angel though. Dan. The angel of capricious. Grumbal old trimbrish mitts.

Grumbal old shimbas. Yes. I need one of your personalities, one of the characters you've put on. Yes. To become the new Baroness of Shrike. Ooh. Hmm. There you could be two guards in a Baroness, or even, you know, one man in two governors.

We need someone closer to you. Yes. I need someone closer to you. I need someone closer to you. I need someone closer to you. I need someone closer to you. I need someone closer to you. I need someone closer to you. become the new Baroness of Shrike. Ooh. Hmm. They could be two guards in a Baroness, or even, you know, one man and two governors. We need someone closer to the Baron who can give us critical information about the Dark Lord's next. But the Baron is already married. Yes. I know what I'm asking you to do.

Oh. He'll the Baron's wife and Merriam? Yes. This is an act of stream. I'll do it. Thank you. And Hank, note, know that even though you may not be nominated because this is real life and not the stage, you have won the tosser of our hearts. I would like to toss one off for you.

Let's all toss one off for Hank. Well done. Are you done? Okay. I think I hear someone coming. Oh, Hank also no, no, no, wait. That's not what we meant Hank also if you ever get in trouble know that I have a friend in Shrek. Okay, his name is Shrek Jones And if you ever need help, you will do the right thing Shrek Jones I should ask who you meet. Yes Sh strike Jones, and he will do the right thing if you need him, if you need any help. I think you're talking about Shrike Leap. Wait, hold

on. It is Shrike Leap. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. It will make more sense for Shrike Leap. Oh, it is Shrike Leap. Man, I always get those to be the key. Shrike Leap is the son of Sam. They make very similar little work. Yes, Sam and his dad is his dad. Yes. Okay. Yeah, that's right. Before I go, there are four things you must know. Four things. And these are the four most important things I've learned here. List four of them.

If you are going to survive, you must know these four things. Just a minute. Okay, I need to quickly... Oh, oh god. No, just give it... Give it to the fourth tank. What is that noise?

Just do... at least do one of them. This thing. Oh god. Oh god! Tone! Tone! Hank! Why is the basin water so still again?

I think he's gone. I hope he's alright. So, too. And I just realized I never gave him this card. One of our listeners sent it through the portal, this condolence card to Tom. In the loss of your father, Tom, though there's so little one can do or say, may it help to know that others care and deep as sympathy.

At least your father died peacefully, and in no way was murdered by a curse, placed on the king of the badgers, being transferred to him. Shelby. Here, I'll just drop this in the space in the water. He'll get it. That was nice. Oh, got all wet. Oh.

Gosh, I hope he's okay, I guess. Should we still do emails? Sure, I'll just buy a few so reading emails, and I'll check with all the water and shrike. Okay. Well, I got this email, two magic tavern. This is... This is... Bip, bip, b magic tavern. It's this. This is it.

This is it. It's it. Is that, do you need to do that to affect long? Yes. Okay. Alright, I have this email. It says, hello, for over a year, my personal email, chunk with six teas spelled the number six T-E-E-S at gmail.com has been spammed with questions about wizards,

but holes in animal sex. I recently replied to many of these senders asking why on earth they've insisted on harassing me in such a strange and unrelenting manner. After all, I've been made fun of for wearing 6 TES at a time before, but this is a whole new level of badgering. Not all replied, but those who did inform me that someone named Arnold Itzarni at this email address has been commanding them to write me. Kayata is up with that, sincerely, M. Chun Kayata.

PS, since this whole thing began, I've been setting up account filters to fight this spam. So far, I've knocked out about 70% using the following list. If you won't stop telling people to bother me, perhaps you can give me a few suggestions for the filter. Here's what I've got so far. Chunt, Chunti, Baby, Badger, Animal Sex, butthole, 2 buttholes, 3 buttholes, 4 buttholes,

5 buttholes, I really hate that Arnie guy, and will you marry me? What spam? Did he mean to say ham? I think someone has a very similar email address to yours, Chant. Your email is Chant with 6Ts. Uh-huh. At gmail.com.

This person has Chant with 6, the number 6, t-e-e-s at gmail.com. Huh. Well, it's funny, see that I have a... Tom Blain is coming to reckon 6th. Oh, yeah. Hank, can you hear me? I am no longer Hank. Oh, what? I am no longer Hank. I am. This is the future beariness. Oh my gosh. All right. Are you okay? What happened? I was discovered by some other guards and apparently we're not supposed to use the dog Lord's bathroom and this is something that I ignored. Are you all right? I was lashed. Oh I'm so sorry that sucks. That's really sucks.

Yes and now I have to put on lashes so that I can become a very nice. How ironic. But can you recognize how I've changed my voice? Well I was so confused because I knew I was calling Kant-Tomblay and then when you answered I thought it was a beautiful woman. That really sounds... Can you hear the way that there's a slight echo in my voice now? Oh yes, there's a life of very charming. I added that... Beautiful. ...to be the echo of my vagina.

Oh wow! I picked up on that, no I did. Wow! Do you notice how that you can... That's how you can sort of tell gender. From of a vaginaynah echo? Yes, of course. Do you think sound works the same way on all genitals?

Of course not. But I'll be foolish. That's one of the first things you learn as an actor. Is how to change your voice for the wide spectrum of genitals that you might have. What are some, what are some of the other ones? Well, on one end of the spectrum is sort of like penis. Mm-hmm. On the other end of the spectrum is vagina.

And then there's all sorts of things in between, like a blouse. A Whirmpel? Oh. Oh yeah. A horsecock? Yes, a horsecock. I think Whirmpels are kind of hot. Yeah, they're not bad.

I actually just saw one close out in the 69. Congratulations, that sucks. That, no, that, in a good way. Yeah. Oh, no, yeah, it does. It does. Tumpley. Though we're very proud of you taking on this great duty of marrying the Baron

and disguise. We're in the middle of reading emails. Yeah. Oh, yes, yes, yes. So, Chun, you said you had an email? Yeah, I have an email here. This is from Chunt with 60s, 60s. Oh, yeah, babies. Okay, I tried Chunt with 60s.

Chunt with 60s. Chunt with 60s. He's all sound the same when you read him. And all of them were taken on gmail.com. Either you or some maniac fans are very thorough but not thorough enough. So are these accounts all controlled by one guy, the original? or are we all just equally nuts for the show? Love John and Mini Apollis.

Yeah. So, Chant, do you have more than one? Why is there a polis so small? Yeah, when I get a larger Apollis. I don't know. So, Chant, do you have more than one email address as Chant with 60s? No, I'm just half the one. You just have the one, so there are a bunch of other people have made similar email accounts?

Wow, you're a real fucking sleuth. But there's just-there's just one real genuine Chant. Alright. And you can also find me on Instagram at Chantbaby. That's BAB-what. So there's no real question here We're just reading that this happened pretty much. Yep. Oh, great Well, I have one more email here that I'll read this is of course as we mentioned to chant with six teas at gmail.com

Not to be confused with chant with six teas This is from Mia Bender. She writes hey Arnie Chant used to or in any guests I mean huge fan of the show and I have to say one of my favorite guests is Tom Blaine Belaroth. I know he's in Shrike, but I miss him. Any word on when Tom will be back on the podcast? Mia. Right now.

Oh, tell her I'm back right now. Mia. Mia, are you listening? He's on the podcast right now. But sort of, because I'm not actually in a magic tavern. I am in a, I'm talking to some water. Can I try something, Ruhu? Can I, can I talk to Tom Blaine-Bulleroth? Yes.

Can I talk to Hank? Yes. Can I talk to the Baroness? Yes. That echo. You hear that? You hear them, Johnny. I can kind of hear it now. Yeah, wait the portal is closing I have to just tell you four quick things Yeah, why did we not why did we spend all that time in the emails you have foreign things to tell us oh he's gone

Oh, man, I Feel bad for the guy cuz his dad, you know, yeah, he did He did he did But you know what? We're gonna fight the Dark Lord. Boys year. Boys year. Boys year.

Also, I don't think he really had four things. Right. He would have told us he had a lot of opportunities to tell us those four things. So Shrike Jones was son of Sam. Oh, Shrike Lee. Oh boy. What about Bill Pax and Bill Pullman? What about Bill Paxton and Bill Pullman? You can find them both in 1990s Brain Dead, a film which never garnered much audience

approval, which brings us back to this Dead, a film which never garnered much audience approval, which brings us back to this podcast, none of which really happened. Usador The Lighter Blue was played by Matt Young, who, until he learns breath control, will just keep 30-fouring his voiceover prospects. Chant the shape shifter was played by Adolfi, with real... Well, you could hear him, that's something. Tom Blaine Bellaroth was played by special guest Steve Waltean. Steve performs with the improvised Shakespeare company and is a writer for John Stewart's

upcoming HBO project, and I just know his old colleagues with mostly this podcast as their comedy lifeline were thrilled to have him back. Craig, it's time for more of that serviceable, no other options magic you bring to the table. I'm gonna further investigate last week's cross-dimensional cataclysm, a staggering amount of matter swapped places. Hello from The Magic Tavern was produced by Arne Ecamp, Evan Chicover, and Ryan D. George this one edited by Ryan D. George music by Andy Poland, logo by Allered LePon, additional audio effects by Jason Knox, production assistance by Garrett Schultz. Visit us at hellofromthemagictavern.com or on Facebook or Twitter. by Aller D'Lippon, additional audio effects by Jason Knox, production assistance by Garrett Schultz. Visit us at aloefromthemagictavern.com or on Facebook or Twitter.

Special thanks go out to David Herman for the remote assistance helping us record Steve Waltine from Earwulf's New York studio, and as always thanks to the Chicago podcast co-op and Earwulf. Don't forget the spin-off podcast, offices, and bosses is out now. Episode 1 is out, and Episode 2 comes out Wednesday the 18th of January, which might already be now, depending on when you're listening to this. When you're listening to this, are you in the future?

Just listen to this show, you're gonna like it. And to prove that you might like it, I'm gonna play a chunk of the first episode for you right now. It's gonna be, where is it? Here we go. So sit back, listen, enjoy, and see what you're missing if you don't have a house subscription. Oh! You're not marketing manager? IT professional? Sales Rep, and Tim. I.Hem Office Manager, Your Guide in the Realm of Osses and Bosses!

Welcome to offices and bosses, a mini-series spin-off of Hello from the Magic Tavern. If you've never listened to Hello from the Magic Tavern, this is what you need to know. About a year and nine months ago, I've been through this. Nobody needs to know the backstory of Magic Tavern, they're listening to us play a game. Well, I know, look, this is a podcast where we play the game Offices and Bosses, but I think people maybe need to know some context. About a year and nine months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King into the magical fantastical land of fune.

No, no, we don't need to know that. We're just gonna play a game. Alright, well, look. Game night! Game night! Game night! Alright, fine, look, I'm Arnie, I'm a human, I'm from Earth. And I am Usador, Wizard of the Twelfth Rdome of Ephesius Master of Light and Shadow,

manipulator of magical delights, devour of chaos, champion of the great halls of truckous. The elves know me as feeing y'allok, thank you. The elves know me as zoning in hook stangies, and I am known in the northeast as gas wheniest may star, but when I play offices and bosses, I'm known as John Bastion. That's right. And I'm John the shapeshifter, king of the badgers and when I play offices and buses I'm Dan Smith Wait, let me find the right. How did I sound before here's? Here's my regular voice. Here's Dan Smith. Okay, I think I got it and I'm a temp. I'm a temp. Maybe John you're a master of voices. Yes. I'm trying to really get into the game. Okay, so apparently on Fune

It's a very popular role-playing game. Well, you know, I don't think I could explain it very well. Why don't we let our... ...leater of the game explain it? Sure, sure. I'm the... ...metamorph. Yeah.

Hear a lot. Not gonna lie. Hear at the bar a lot. In the tavern all the time. And, uh, playing this game and whatnot and, uh... Well, it's... It's, uh... ...I'd to bring you along.

Yeah. Arnie and whatnot. I'm sorry your character died Yeah, my character Ryan to Georgie the son of the boss died last time we played off. Oh man. How did it die? Well, you know dance myth stabbed him in the face. Oh, man as Sean. I apologize for that as dance myth, fuck you I mean those things happen in the world of offices and bosses, you know Those things will happen in this fantastic, mysterious world. Oh, wonderful.

Buildings over 100 stories. Oh. So we're excited. Do you have a new character you've rolled up a new character, I see? Yeah, well, you know, it's a little... I want to play this game with you guys, but you know, I want something that's sort of more exciting for me, so... John, I know you're Dan Smith. A temp...a temp?

I'm a temp, yes, a temp. A temporary employee. And you said, I know your dance myth attempt attempt. I'm a I'm a temp. Yes, the temporary temporary employees and you said or your John Sebastian John Bastion John Bastion a marketing manager with a Fedora and I will be playing an elf from another world who fell through a dimensional portal behind a black Smith shop here into the mundane shop.. We're just gonna let shoppies slide. Offices and bosses. Luckily, I'm still getting a slight Wi-Fi. Okay, come on.

The shoppie. Well, we can, we'll make that work. Maybe we'll see. Give a name for your character. Yes. Orlando Bloom. Well, at least the name is weird enough. Aren't you going to ask me what a fedora is?

That's a kind of hat. And we also have another guest playing with us. My name is Flower, and I'm just honestly, I don't do a lot of stuff like this, and this is very exciting to me. Flower, you're in for a treat. This is a wonderful game that you can really delve into and you lose yourself in this Wonderful fantastical world that Metamorphos about to take us through normally like I'm all about like pounding nerds But this is fun The flower is in the world of officers bosses don't actually speak. I know it's strange And we don't think they have feelings, but if they don't speak we don't know

Well, that's why my character is not a flower. My character's name is Gail Davidson Durst. Gail Davidson Bush. Durst? Durst, the URST is hyphenated. Gail Davidson Durst and I am on the IT team. Oh, okay, great, excellent. Well, I'm sure many of your technology skills will come in handy.

Yep. Is everybody prepared? Yes. Are we ready? We're very good. Oh, shit. You have my bow. Okay, you're yourselves in a conference room in a large office building, and you have received a message that the Q4 numbers are due. So you must go around the office and find the keepers of the various numbers. So you can compile the statistics for the quarterly report for the all-important fourth quarter. You must find Carl, Steve, Diane, and Kelly. Carl, Steve, Diane, and Kelly. Yes, yes. What strange names are these?

And these Q4 numbers are due by EOB today? So who? EOB means end of business. Oh, oh, okay. Yes. Okay, thanks. Well, I look around the conference room. Do the voice. Oh, I want to look around the conference room

and see if I notice any of the numbers or runes that I need to find for the Q4 report. That's great. And as a marketing manager, you would like to use your keen awareness in, I'm gonna use my dexterity and see if flipping around the room will actually help. Great, great roll of dye there. Okay, there you go.

Okay, yes, by the telephone, which is a magical communication device, you notice a company roster listing a phone tree, and on that phone tree you find Carl, Steve, Diane, Kelly, and where their desks are. Oh, excellent. Can I examine this phone tree to decide which one is closest to go to first? It appears one is closest to go to first it appears Carl is closest I examine the phone tree for fruit or berries It appears someone has spilled coffee on it, but there are no fruits or berries. I did in a tree one time

Oh really yeah, it didn't last very long Is a lot to take in and is this flower talking or gale? Do you know I'm not good at this game? I just like maybe you know gale no gale when you say a lot to take in you know you are a rude person on all the side of that Paul has not brought it up no I brought it up I want to clearly want to talk about it no gale gale day was endorsed here and I sent out a company email noticing that there was coffee spilled on the phone tree, Dan Smith the temp realizes I should probably make coffee for everyone. So I find a little pod that I put into a machine and I press it and the coffee is made just

like that. Okay, as a temp you do specialize in random tasks. Oh, beautiful. You can roll that die roll fast. Of course, yes. I said just like that, but I should roll for. Here we go, beautiful. Roll that die roll fast. Of course, yes. I said just like that, but I should roll for it. Here we go. We got a plus four on that.

All right, so that's going to be a 14. 14. OK, it's OK, coffee. Oh, I'm so drawn in. What will happen next? Go to how.fmslashmagic, sign up, and find out. In fact, I'm going to go do that myself. They didn't even give me a free code.

You would think that I was important enough, but... I'm gonna have a Remembers Crag. Maybe I should get Cragcast on how?