Hello From The Magic Tavern - 98 - King of the Badger

Episode Date: February 6, 2017

I do want to talk about badger stuff.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungBlemish:Martin WilsonTalbot the Badger: Tugs the BadgerCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiTricia: Kate JamesProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Garrett SchultzTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzEpisode Art: Justin OsterlingExtra Art: Jessica OsteroutYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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lives. Nailed it, Craig. Enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of fune. I'm your host Arneanie Camp, if you've never listened to the podcast before, that's alright, this is all you need to know. About a year and 10 or so months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal

behind a Burger King into the magical, fantastical land of food. Luckily, I'm still getting a slight Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift. And I'm using it to upload a podcast. I record every week here in the tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur, in the town of Hogsface, in the land of Foon, and I'm joined as always.

But I'm a good buddy, my boon companion, Chunth the King of the Badgers. Hey bud, what are you doing? I don't... I don't... I don't... I don't... I feel like I don't I don't have some I feel you know sometimes I feel like I don't get chance references I don't what I know and I'm also I'm sorry I'm also joined by you sit or I'm the wizard I'm worried about What is chump seems a little off doesn't seem right? Yeah, I think he's speaking gibberish. Yeah, chunt

Buddy, I'm worried about you Let me cast a spell of true sight That's just a badger. What what's that? It's just a badger. That's a chunt. No, it's not chunt. Oh That's embarrassing Don't let chunt know that I thought that was it friend No, no, I won't I won't say anything I promise And I am used to door wizard of the 12th realm of a fesiest master of light and shadow manipulate her of magical lights The power of chaos champion of the great holes of truckus the elves and his fying y'all like thank you

Wars know he is soon in who's stangies and I have known in the North East as gas-winning as main star. And I think this badger likes to gas my anus thing, because he said something to her in that part. Oh, and there were other names. Names are such pure delight and wonder that if you were to speak them aloud, a sense of joy and contentment and warmth would fill your heart and you would form a cocoon out of yourself, foam with an exit your mouth and cover your entire body until a foam like cocoon transformed you in from this chrysalis into your true self.

Your secret names have been getting more and more sort of exciting. Amazing. Yeah, maybe. Yes. Well, I know how to put on a good show. True. Hey, are we doing over here?

Hey, oh! Chant! Yeah? Hey! Oh, hello Chant. Hey, we had this. There's another Badger in here. Yeah.

We were waiting for you, because we knew it wasn't you. And even though it's wearing your crown, we know it's not you. Good, oh good. Yeah, I figured you guys would know that it wasn't me, but yeah, this is my friend Talbot. Oh, I don't know. He's the one badger that will still talk to me.

Oh, that's nice. Sleep with me. Oh. But he thought, you know, he thought he would take the burden of the crown so that I can be a badger and still, you know, talk and live amongst the badgers for now to figure out what's going on. John, I must make a confession to you. I did a double take when I saw this badger wearing a

crown, and then Arnold said unto me that is not John. It is another badger, and I said, oh, of course, for a moment I was confused. Oh, yeah. Well, I think the main difference is he's burned pretty badly. Yeah. Yeah. You're really right. If you look closely, he's missing about half the fur on his body. Yeah.

Yes, I see that now. Does that make sense? Yeah, totally. Yeah, but Talbot's been an amazing friend. So I just want to make sure that he... Friend with benefits, sounds like. Oh, yeah. So just try and look out for him But it's it's kind of cool to be like this undercover king and just be like you know

What are the people saying about me and it's all real bad? Come over here for a moment Yeah, let me hit you with this healing rock That is disgusting it's hair's coming back in. Okay, but he's dead. Well, he'll be fine. I don't know. He looks pretty bad.

I mean his hair, his hair looks better. His hair looks better. Everything else. He's not burned. Talbot. Let's just get through the rest of this episode here. I'm sure by the end he'll be alive. Let me use a stick.

Talbot, Tal this stick Talbot Talbot Talbot wake up. Then it hit me. Talbot. No Welcome back. Oh, oh, oh, hey Talbot come over here, but I want it. This is a little routine. We've been working on Listen to this. We're gonna we're gonna do a knock knock joke. Here we go. Talbot you start us off. Who's there? Gotta get, who? Ah! Ah! Ah! Classic Badger joke.

That's a good one. It's funny because it's true. What's going on with you? Well, yeah, I just been trying to get ready for our quest to defeat the Dark Lord. Two weeks. Two weeks. We're leaving and that's crazy. The two weeks away and you're trying to get ready. Wow, you're so proactive. Well, you know, I tied these ropes around these microphones.

I, you know, we have the lunar sword I've been trying to practice it. I gave you the lunar sword. You gave me the lunar sword. You know what, and you guys, have you guys heard the new, something like the Bards keep singing the song about the lunar sword? Keep hearing they're like the tale of the wizard the badger and the ooze

They don't mention me in the song and to be fair. I didn't really get the lunar sword. No No, you helped yeah, you did get it by Having a gift it to you by a friend. Yeah, it takes a real hero to accept a gift. They don't really write songs about gifts though, do they? They should. They should. Maybe. What's that, Talbot?

Talbot. He really is. He really is. Talbot. Wow, what a burn. No, don't say that. Yeah, don't say that. Oh, sorry. So sorry. No, it's hardly that. Yeah, don't say that. Oh, sorry.

So sorry. No, it's hardly noticeable. It's hardly noticeable because your hair grew back. So we can't really see the burn. Very good now. So, John, how serious is it between you and the badgers now? Say what? How serious is it between you and the badgers?

How serious is it? You've been going undercover listening to them talking about you. No, I mean, yeah, they hate me. It's pretty bad. Also, how do you go undercover amongst the bad? How do they not know it's you? I don't talk Well, the crown is the big thing in terms of what separates me from the other badgers Also that I walk on two legs and talk so I've been walking on four legs and not talking

I just chitter chatter crowns are also how you can recognize human kings. Oh, yeah If you see a person don't assume they're a king unless they're wearing a crown. See Arnie, look at Talbot and I. Yeah. Now close your eyes. Open your eyes in just a moment and try and find out which one is the king. Okay. That one.

That's right, Talbot. He's wrong. Alright, fair enough. Yeah, but here's the thing. There, I'm not not a badger the badgers can't tell each other apart Well, I mean again I walk on two legs and I talk you know like this and that's how the badgers know that it was me Well, you know in the crown, so I Blended baby. All right, so you're just in hiding from the badgers. Yeah, do you not believe my story?

You asked me about it and though you seem super incredulous I'm just trying to fill more time. Is there a different story you want to have? No, no not at all. So what did you two bring? I brought the cake for what? Tabart brought he brought some crystals We have to pretend like we're celebrating It's a bunch of British birthday. Wait, who was what's this? We were talking about the... I brought some candles here. Maybe we were talking about a quest and then blemish came up.

We had to be like, oh, I was talking about a thing. Whoa! Whoa! My favorite friends. Hey! Well, hello. Hi, blemish. Are we really your favorite friends? Ah, you are when I'm standing creepily near your table.

Yeah. At least he recognizes that he's creeping. It's true. My self-awareness. Let me just, I think smiling, I don't know if I've ever seen that before. It looks so pained. It's what I got.

Maybe he's trying to keep a cat in. Yeah, there's a little cat in there. Oh, no, yeah, he's holding a polka out. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Ooh, tablet, poundstone that guy. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh I'm sure you have a last Yes, blemish at last joins the table first a lowly bar keep and a Scullary man then the owner and proprietor of the million minotaur and now co-host of the human's podcast That seems super rehearsed. I feel like he's been waiting the same way. Yes Co-host am I to receive the first piece of cake?

Uh... Who baked it? Who baked it? Why are we calling it the humans podcast also? Can we talk about that? It is my podcast. I know, well, all right. None of this stuff was here before he showed up.

Yeah. I brought all this stuff from another world. Well, but... Uh, it's Shunzenai, I own a podcast. How much stuff did you bring from another world? Well, but uh, it's Shunzen and I are in a pretty much the same place. How much stuff did you bring from another world? How much stuff do you want me to bring? Name one thing you have from another world. I have a star shaped like a neg.

One. I have a... That's all I have. Yeah, just ask for the one. Just the one. Alright. Well, I have another thing if you want to know about it. Well, Sunday.

Alright. As a sign of my rise to the ranks I've been gifted a wife this day What? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes In Dwarvesh custom marriages are arranged. Oh, and you're half dwarf. I am half dwarf I've been gifted a full dwarf and wife. Oh, yes. How does she feel about that? We have yet to speak. Oh I don't like this evening now that I am And I'm not a man, but a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is a man who is We're gonna go look for him. We're gonna, yeah. Opulent. To find a dwarfish woman lying prone upon the bed I can only imagine. Huh.

Just as today is blemish's day who's cutting the cake who's giving me the cake. I think the whole cake is for you, Blum. I just go ahead and take that. Here. Let me throw it outside for you. Y'all my cake! Oh wow. He's a creepy little dude. Yeah, he really is. But you know what? We come here. We spend our money here. We should vote with our money. Yeah, why do... I mean... I guess I do it because I like, Otox so much. Well, you're also co-owner. I am co- I'm supposed to be running this.

Co-manager, I suppose. Yeah, more appropriately. Otok is still the owner. And is probably still alive. Probably. He could be. Yeah. Should we tell Lentish that we're leaving defined otok as a part of a cover

for the reason we're leaving on a quest? Oh, yeah. Um, yeah, we'll tell him that, because I don't know. I mean, sometimes I have my suspicions that blemishes pro Dark Lord. Uh, yeah. Yeah, I've never met someone who has cats coming out of them that isn't at least partially evil.

Oh, really? Yeah. I'm trying to think. Also, a lot of times he'll be on top of his head. He'll be wearing that red cat, and that red cat is like a sign of like worshipping the dark lord. Oh really? Yeah.

Oh no. Did you start going into a wizard state? It's been a while since he's been in a wizard state. No. Yeah, it's been a little over and over and over. All right, I knew one wizard back of the great halls of Trock Trockis who was a good guy and cats came out of his mouth But it just seemed fun when he did it. Oh, I see it was like a party trick. Mm-hmm cat mouth old cat mouth old cat mouth Yes, you said or do you miss your days of the old halls of St. Rakes?

Well, of course I look all those days with great fondness as I came into the world. Fully bold! There's an amazing wizard here to defeat the Dark Lord! I still did hone my powers at this time, and I did, of course, meet my sweet love, General Evia, and my ancient rival, Spinn-Tax! Who sometimes I get along with? Ah, also met Can. He seems great.

Now. Yes, now. He is just the worst. The worst. I want to make Cann look into that bowl. That magical bowl that kills people or whatever it does. Oh the water bowl? Yeah, the water bowl. I'm gonna make Cann look inside of it. Yes, I had an idea of a way to use that as a trap. And what you do is you set the bowl in front of you, you lay down as if you are almost defeated, your enemies approach you, and you say, oh please, my only weakness is water. And then they want to fill the thing with water to throw it to you. But why would they fill the thing rather than just pour the water directly on you?

If you're right next to it especially. But because maybe they don't have their own water, maybe they have to get water from a pond or something. So they'll pick up the bowl and run off to get water. You're finding a lot of faults with that offering a lot of solutions. I'm sorry, I just don't think that stupid bowl is ever going to come in handy. It's a good trap if you're near water, your enemies don't have water and they think your weakness is water. I'm just saying we're going to be carrying a lot of shit on this trip Let's leave the bowl behind

It could all fit in the bag the bag. Yes, my wizard bag. What's a wizard bag? What's a wizard bag? I don't know about 50,000 coins a year Yes, nice one. Oh you walked right into that Fucking cool at Tal, but it wasn't that funny. Tal is dancing, yeah, get it down to the top. Yeah. No, a wizard bag, of course. I like you better when you're dead, Tal.

Wizard bag is a pouch or a skin that you're magically in but you to be larger on the inside. Oh, wow. So you can carry many things with you on a quest quite easily. So we can carry like everything, like there's no limit. Can we put Arnie in the bag? For a while. Are you in the bag?

Am I in the bag? Do you want to be in the bag? Ah, I've been in the bag too many times in my life. I'm trying to not do that so much. Fair enough. And I'll be carrying all the food for the quest. So I'll have a coconut and we can put whatever we went in there.

Maybe you know, put some citrus fruit in there. Hmm. Like a lime? Yeah, you can put the lime in the coconut. Maybe you know put some citrus fruit in there. Hmm. Like a lime? Yeah, you can put the lime in the coconut. Sounds good. And then I'll feel better. What else do we need to do before we go? What else?

Do you know how to use the lunar sword yet? I've been trying. I've been just here. Should I? Do you guys mind practicing with me a little bit with the lunar sword? Oh, I would love to engage in a bit of sparring. Yeah. Oh, that's right. You have your sword. We could just sword fight. Jump. Oh, oh, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah Yeah, and you were sitting down waving the sword around But yeah to be fair you are not losing now

What you need to know is that I'm simply putting my sword where your sword is what we're doing right now is called stage fighting Oh, so if you're in a real fight what you want to do is try to hurt the person with your sword You don't just keep trying to hit each other's swords. That's right. Hmm. That's a mistake I always make as a kid when I was playing swords. Mm-hmm. You just try to hit each other's swords over and over again Yes, it doesn't really make a lot of sense. Let's hit our swords over here. Let's hit our swords over here Yes, what you want to do is I'll go very slowly. I'm not going to hurt you But what you want to do is come in low like this and try to hit someone right in the side of that cut Oh, you should or I'm gut. Oh, I'll use the door. I'm sorry.

Oh, that's fine. That's fine. Nothing of rock whack will be. Yeah, give me an rock. What's up? Huh! Ah! You know, I've skeptical of the rock at first,

but that rock is the best thing we ever had. It's going to get really bad, eh? That's the best thing we own. We're really getting a lot of use out of the shit we got from trash. I'm going to get into those mystery bags too bags too and there's gonna be some sweet. Why don't you open one mystery bag? Oh, you want to open a mystery bag? All right. Yeah, I think I've got one around here somewhere Frankly, we should open them all like why do we bring up? We should open all the mystery bags before we leave if we open all the mystery bags

That's the mystery. That's what I'm that's what I've been doing all week I'm going to leave one for the trip because it's fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah look forward to yes exactly But I've been going through them at home and I've found so far I found a lot of clay pots You know those aren't particularly helpful, but I smash them all up and I got some money. Okay. I Found I found a couple swords. I found some shields. I found some axes some other jerks some helmets Pebble cover pair of grieves. What's a grieve? Well, it's like a it's like a sleeve an armored sleeve But it's always sad. Yes, and then of course What else do I find? Oh the best thing that I found was a helmet.

And the visor of the helmet that come down over the eye and eyes, but when it is over your eyes, it is enchanted. And you can see in the dark. Oh, wow. Yes, everything has a green pale about it, but you can see clearly in the night. It is a night vision helmet. Wow, that's amazing.

Yes, it's going to be kind of very and I believe John as a badger can you kind of see in the dark? Oh? Well Talbot as a badger can you kind of see in the dark? You are dead on tell it. That's right. Fuck you dude. Hey We're both badgers. Why would it be different? I possess the same qualities that he possesses. Yeah guys, are we gonna Get along on the road. I think so. I feel like it's gonna be kind of hard, right? Like traveling, sleeping, like on the side of the road, sleeping in the woods. I feel like road trips

Either bring people closer together or tear them apart and I have faith that we will be brought closer together and we will survive. Hey, exactly! Well, this is wisdom that does speak now, for surely we shall face perils on the road, unspeakable, horrible death shall fall upon some of us, but those who survive will feel so grand! Some of us? Yes! You don't go in a quest to expect everyone to come home! You said there are how many quests have you been on? Oh, well, let me think. I don't know if he's thinking or in the wizard's thing. Yeah, I think he's just muttering to himself.

Carry a four. Approximately every score of years, I got a grand quest. And then I'd say I probably got a couple of small quests every year. On average, how many people die on the quest you go on a grand quest and then I'd say I probably go on a couple of small quests every year on average How many people die on the quest you go on? Well that varies on a large quest you expect 50 to 60 percent 50 to 60 percent sure small quest can vary quite a bit Because you may only be taking a party of four to go on some sort of raid to gather some sort of item from some sort of location or you may be rescuing a young man and who's trapped at the top of a tower, a young maiden who's trapped at the top of a tower, a young gazelle that's trapped at the top of a tower,

or a lot of tower quests. A lot of towers, perhaps you, you know, a fish in a fishbowl at the top of of a tower those tend to go a little easier How do you know the fish wants to be rescued from the tower? Mind control mind can mind control. Yes, the fish is controlling my mind How would we know How would we know if you're being controlled? Cuz he's gonna drink a ton of water. Yeah, it's all I gotta talk about is say, well, look, there's something to eat up there.

Look at those little flakes. Shut the, Talbot, yeah, yeah. Look, I know Yusador doesn't drink a ton of water, but he is always drinking. Great huddle. Oh, I'm just saying, is it possible that as long as I've been in food, Yusador, as we know him, is really

been my control by a fish? I can draw by a fish. I mean, I guess it's possible. I kind of explains a lot. But that would mean that the fish would have to know magic. Are there any wizard fish? I don't know. Yusador, have there been any wizard fish?

Oh, plenty. Well, that doesn't help us because that could be the fish talking. I have no way. How do you know? What a giant fuck you to our quest. I know I mean, it's a classic philosophical question. Oh, how do you know that anyone including yourself is under the mind control of a fish? Let me try something hey, you said or yes, three hold on What number did I just say three? They remember.

He does remember. So fish have short attention spans. Yeah. You said, how long have been attention span? Wait, I just thought of something. I think I'm being mind controlled by fish. That would explain so much. You're like a lot about me.

That would explain why you have short-term memory loss. Oh my god. Arnie, this has been a breakthrough. Oh, I think you're a fish I think I might be a fish. I'm always hungry if given the option I will eat enough to kill myself Sometimes not always there's like just a little bit of poop hanging out of my butthole I'm just walking around and Who's this hanging there? Do you need anything from the bar? Uh, you said we're almost done.

Oh, all right. I just, I don't know. I might, I just want to know, right? Wouldn't you want to know if you're being mind controlled? Yeah, I mean, obviously, duh. What's that? You want to know? Huh?

No, nothing. I guess. Artesee fish. Are there tests? Use it or are there tests? Are there fish-mind control tests? Oh, sure. Let me cast a spell of true vision. You are not being controlled by a fish. Man. Oh! I mean, you're kind of on par with a fish.

Hmm. So I'm not being controlled by a fish. I just have the Intelligence of a fish. I'll take that as a win sure and a lot of free will. Yeah Yes fish have free will Hmm, maybe we should take a break. Oh God. Yeah So I'm sorry you said or just backtracking a little bit. You've been on a bunch of quests and you said like 60% of people would die on these quests? Well on the larger quests, yes of course.

You're doing battle and large armies, you know, go scuttling through caves, fighting the perils of both those forces set against you in the very nature itself as you climb a mountain or climb a castle, all sorts of dangers about the... sometimes a smaller quest to say apart, do you have anywhere from three to seven? We'll say, maybe you lose one person, maybe everyone survives. Maybe half the people die. That's, that one's really a role of the die. I see. And this is a big quest though, right? This is a big one.

Is this the biggest quest you've ever been on? The grandest quest I ever undertaken. Oh, finally I shall do what I was brought into this world to do when the birds and the wind and the fire and the air did conspire to say they shall not be a Dark Lord we shall conspire to fight against him. I we shall create a champion a champion who shall lead us to safety and freedom John have you ever been on a quest? Sorry, I was granted some drinks at the bar. You're talking in Talbot again. Oh shit. So I got damn it Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I was like hungry in the middle of the night and I was like I need to get some food So I like got a party together and we went and found some late-night food. Oh, how many what percentage of people in that quest died?

17 17% to be fair. Well 17 people. Well 17 people. Well 17 people. To be fair 15 were kids. Oh, and then the other two just died. And then were you the only survivor? Yes, I was. Oh, Did you get the food at least? I did, yeah, it was delicious. Hey, can I ask you, while you're talking to me, can you not continuously open and close that tiny chest? Why not?

Because there's like little bubbles coming out of it. Oh, I feel like you were enamored with that little chest. Oh, it's just like, it's just my attention. I just like, little treasure chest. Okay, it's just like, it's just my attention. I just like a little treasure chest. Okay, it just is annoying. Not shunt, are you going to stay in badger form for the quest? You know, this has been a big thought of mine is like to help the quest.

Should I, you know, woo or have relations with a larger animal? Yeah. You know, also something to help you out. So we'll see what happens, you know, I really enjoy being a badger and I don't know, right now it feels really good to be able to be in the mix with them and not be hated.

I mean, I am hated, but they don't know that, you know. Yeah. But we'll see what shakes out. Yeah. Would you guys prefer I was a different animal? I see no need for it, but for your own sense of safety and well-being, I didn't know if you wanted to become maybe a bear or a grapefruit tiger, but shunt with your hammer, I will be happy to have you

by my side in any battle we encounter. Oh yeah, I mean I am always armed to the teeth. Yes, this is just how I think of you. I think of you as a badger. Yeah, I mean that's what you call me instead of a shape-chifter. It's true. I think you forget that I was a tiny horse before, I was like, crocodile, you know.

Have you thought more about settling into a shape? I mean, I think I have, right? I suppose that's true. Are you, is there an animal you would prefer? If like top three animals that you would think would be helpful on a quest, what do you think? Top three animals that would be helpful on a quest, of course. Okay, because you could ride me?

Yeah. We can use crab horses. Um, I don't like a bear. Okay. And don't say fish. Don't say fish. Don't say fish. No.

Were you gonna say fish? No. I was gonna say plankton. Plankton? Yeah. How would that be helpful on the quest? You could eat you. Because what? Because they could eat you. Plankton could eat you the quest? You could eat you. Because what?

Because they could eat you. Plankton could eat you. No, I could eat you. Because you're a fish. Are you talking to the plankton? Who are you talking to right now? And remove that piece of glass that you're holding up and have your lips pressed against.

That's super knowing to look at. Okay, sorry. Sorry. Why do you press your face up against that glass? I don't know. I just feel like there's a whole other world on it. Put it down. All right. If Chant was planked, then we could eat him.

Three most useless animals, Marlin, Snapper, Bass. Hey, Chant Talbot. Look, I know it's very likely that I'm the one that is being brain controlled by a fish. One of us is, for sure. But a lot of evidence still points to use the door. He's just mentioned three fish that it would be helpful for me. Just imagine. Exactly exactly he wears blue Blue's color of water yeah I don't know what's reality I have no idea

We got to find out Talbot. What do you think? That is a brilliant idea yeah, whatever he said Do you know what he said no? I don't speak badger We're gonna place that bowl in front of him the bowl with water. Mm-hmm. It's he he tries to jump in okay I said, do you know what he said? No. I don't speak badger. We're gonna place that bowl in front of him, the bowl with water and see if he tries to jump in. Okay, wait, but is there water in the bowl? No.

Hey, sir. Yes. Look at this bowl of water. That's the trap bowl. There he is, not a fish. Yeah, not a fish. Definitive. You know what I love.

What's that? Rocks. Oh, yes. Have you ever taken the little rocks, like the little pebbles, I'm just put them in your mouth? Just to feel them around and like fish. Then it kind of let them go.

Oh, God. It's a fun way to pass the time. Between quests, just put a little pebble in your mouth. I'll be right back. All right, I locked the door blemish come over here blemish yes, we have a birthday gift for you. Oh, we have a little game, okay? more more to celebrate my birthday blemish the game we created for you birthday This is just for you buddy just to celebrate your birth

The game is one of us four sitting here with you. One of us is a fish and it's up to you buddy to figure out which one of us is a fish. How do we know which one of us? Do we get a card or something? This isn't like counter-doctors. It's not like... Yeah, okay. Yeah, this is a game where you try to suspect who is a fish. This game is called a fish called wonder. It seems like a bit of a stretch. I wonder, each of you I hate in my own special way. What about Talbot? Don't forget Talbot. For all four of you are fishes. I'm not a fish. I'm not a fish.

I'm not a fish. I'm not a fish. I'm not a fish. I'm not a fish. I'm not a fish. I'm not a fish. I'm not a fish. I'm not a fish.

I'm not a fish. I'm not a fish. I'm not a fish. I'm not a fish. I'm not a fish. I'm not a fish. I'm not a fish. I'm not a fish. I'm not a fish. To me, you are all three fishes. All of you. What about Talbot? Don't forget Talbot. Ah! For all four of you are fishes. All the phoenus fishes filled with fishes.

Little tiny fishes. Oh, no, nothing. Oh, oh shit. A catch is crawled out of his mouth and ran straight to Yusador and started sniffing him. Oh! Also, Yusador's a fish. Up, see? Yep. Wait, what? Why am I a fish? Up, see, yep, wait a while.

Why am I a fish? Grab his arms, grab his arms, up! Grab the rock. What are you doing? Oh, I'm out! Oh, that was fine. I'm trying to heal him from being a fish. The greatest gift of all, the greatest birth

they present to us to see, zone and beaten with a rock. Ha, ha, ha, ha. What makes you think I'm a fish? Because you love rocks, you wear blue? Those are the two things that make you... Oh those things that fish are well known for? Smell yourself. I always smell like that. Fishes don't wear anything.

And they don't love anything, they're incapable of love. I love rocks, and I love birds. And I love my friends and the fellowship that we have here at this table. What I don't love is evil, which you are clearly a master of an evil being. Blemish! I am the owner and proprietor of the Vermillion Minotaur since O'Talk Barleyfoot is dead. He's not dead. It's almost certainly dead.

Absolutely 99.9% dead. Well to prove you wrong We are about to embark on a quest to go find Otock Barley foot. Yeah, we're going on a quest to find Otock We're leaving in two weeks and we're not gonna do anything else. That's it. That's all we're doing not a cover for another bigger quest Play cooler. Talbot already had a lot of puddle up. Yeah, I just thought of something. Yeah blemish Talbot already had a lot of puddle up. Yeah, I just thought of something. Yeah, blemish, blem fish. He's a fish. He's a fish.

You know, here's another thing. You know how fish always have cats coming out of their mouth? Yeah. Mm-hmm. Keep an eye on him. To what end? Why would anyone want otok barley foot back in the Vamilian Minotaur, disgusting,

elvish, bossy. He was kind. Snarky. He was very kind. He was kind of all of us. He was also snarky and sarcastic. He gave you a job when no one else would care for the... He left the in charge of his family's bar, hoping that you would take care of this tavern

in this time of need. Yeah, and now that he is dead, I build upon his shoulders and rise this tavern ever higher to more important things than Zonen and... You know what, give me that kick back! Or, oh, take that kick back! Give us the kick back! Give us the kick back! Give us my kick back!

Give us my hands and feet! No kickbacks! Give it back! We are not celebrating your birthday anymore, Blamish. Yeah, fucking freak. I'm not celebrating your quest to find stupid people who are best left for dead. What are you doing in the basement? What are you doing in the basement?

Answer nothing. No one's in the basement. The basement is where my new wife is. She's down there. I am going to meet her after this for my birthday night celebration. Blemish. This is the whole thing about your wife made up. Yes, did you make up a wife? This is a birthday thing that Blemish is doing for Blemish. Don't really want to answer more questions. Lots of questions from four individuals who are soon to be departing the O'Millian Minotaur. No longer paying Blemish's wages. You know what? O'Talk left me co-encharging the Oing the familian minotaur no longer paying blemishes wages

You know what ottock left me coen charger the familian minotaur I choose to not remember that the only person that believed in blemish was ottock and maybe ottock is dead And you know what that means no one has to believe in blemish anymore blemish Get out of the familian minotaur The familian minotaur is mine. It's not yours. It's at least... It's mine too. It's 51% mine. Who are you?

You're fired. Oh, Nade. Here's another idea. You forget out of the million minotaur. We're gonna leave on a quest to find Otock and we're gonna leave Talbot in charge. What? Who the fuck is Talbot?

I've never seen that guy in here before, ever! To be fair, Talbot doesn't come in here at all. Oh, yeah. Wait, I should have talked to Talbot this week, every week. Most weeks I say absolutely nothing and I'm silent and you do not even sometimes remember me, or my name, and you would leave the tavern to some Walk on nothing no character. We should leave it to Meta-moa. He's here a lot. Meta-moa is here a lot. Oh shit or Mundo?

Ah, fuck. I'm sorry, Mundo. You're always here. Just forget about you. He's here all the time. Mundo, do you want to be in charge of the tavern? You're all the time, Mundle. Do you wanna be in charge of the tavern? What do you want? Hey, Mundle should probably come with us, right? Yeah. Mundle, hey, Mundle, you do you. Whatever you wanna do. You can come with us if you want.

It doesn't matter. We'll figure out who's in charge later. What's important is you're out of here, buddy boy. Believe or stay makes no difference to blemish. The time is coming. It's all coming to a head. What's coming to a head? Believe or stay. I can nothing for the vermilion a head. What's coming to a head? Leave or stay, I can nothing for the million minuteer.

What's in the basement? You, or you, or you, or you, or any of the living creatures in phone. Nothing's in the basement, zoning in, nothing at all. Me and the sack of flour that I have carefully stolen one per week for the past 52 weeks and stuffed into clothes that I have pilfered from other dwarves to make my dwarf wife. That is in the basement. It is a series of 52 sacks of flowers. You made a flower one. This now, you know.

That's a big wife. This guy's been fucking 52 sacks of flowers. That is happening. So wait, is it 52 dwarves or one giant dwarf. Do we don't need to know? I don't want to know. I mean, I kind of want to know, but I mostly don't. I will describe it to you in detail if you would like.

Mmm. Top it, what do you think? Eh? Yeah, probably best not. Yeah. Blimeyish, please leave. Leave the Vermilion Minotaur and never come back. Blamish, Hammy, that torch off the wall with your name on it.

Hammy, that torch. I'm extinguishing your fire. Pack your things and go. I got nothing for you. I did all of the right things. I did the Vermilion Minotaur the right way. You were here to make friends. No, we know.

I am not, I was not here to make friends. I was here to make the Vamillion Minotaur the best it could be and to win the Vamillion Minotaur. There are two kinds of people in this world. There are wolves and there are fish. And you fall. We'll always be fish. One of us is probably a fish.

Yeah. You know what? A dwarf needs a blemish, like a fish needs a usador. Oh, a dwarf? No. Oh. We must go on another quest before we go on our quest to feed the dock load.

How's that? What's that? There's an octopus at the top of a tower. We must save it. Oh, no! You said, are you being brain-controlled by a fish? Why don't think I am. There's an octopus that needs our help. Well, let's go save that octopus.

So, yeah, fish mind control. Some weeks I feel like we don't really need to remind you this isn't real. Use the door the lighter blue was played by Matt Young, chunk the king of the Badger was played by Adel Refin, blemish was played by Martin Wilson, Talbot the Badger was played by a Badger named Tugs. Hey, can I do some outro stuff? Oh, Trisha, I didn't know you were here. The big guy kind of expressly told me not to let you do that. So...

Hello from the Magic Tavern was produced by Arnie Neacamp, Evan J. Cover, and Ryan D. Georgie, this one edited by Garrett Schultz, music by Andy Poland, logo by Alan LeBon, additional audio effects by Jason Knox, production assistants by Garrett Schultz. Visit us at hellofromthemagictan.com or on Facebook or Twitter. Thanks to the Chicago podcast co-op and thanks to Ear Wolf. The fourth episode of our spin-off podcast offices and bosses where Arnie and the gang play the fun role-playing game of the same name is out now. Go to howl.fm-slash-magic to listen.

Here's a little clip of episode four. So I guess what's difficult here is that, unless you guys have a special plan to get it by through the ropes, we're gonna be leaning on your strength and dexterity scores, which are probably terrible across the board. Oh, yes, Gail not very dexterity. Gail, do you still have that, what was that drink you had? I have Aubrey Mist.

Or maybe drink your Aubrey Mist, and the alcohol inside will loosen you up a little bit. He can go to Aubrey Mist. It's Aubrey Mist, a strawberry Merlot. Yeah, it should be written on your She's there that might loosen you up so you can go through the course without touching the rules. Yes, I will drink it. Oh my gosh I feel young and pretty. Oh It's like I'm flying way to go You will have to roll a die-tie roll that I really enjoy that that was

I roll. I feel like Cabarón has some sort of special connect into the wooden dice where he just keeps rolling. I know. The number is that... Which is great for us. Conceivably impossible. You know.

I actually had a look at the stand-out. I know, but look at this diet. What is it made out of? It's made out of wood. Yes, and what do I made out of? Wood? Isn't that crazy that we're the same thing but different? Well, there's 20 faces on that diet.

Yes, but we all have 20 faces inside of them. You've managed to roll with 35. Yes. Uh, wow, your drunken revelry works and you kind of limbo your way back and forth through the spiderwebs. Oh, let's go friends. It's like a miss near the arbor. Which is a tree. Rividing. Good job, Lucy.

It's Craig. Oh, I'm sorry. I meant good job, Lucy. It's Craig. Oh, I'm sorry. I meant, good job, Craig. Are you doing okay, Trisha? You're staring at me kind of weird. Okay, well, I'm going to go lock myself into the safe room for a little bit and I'll see you guys next week. you