Hello From The Magic Tavern - Blunder Break (live from Chicago w/ John Sabine, Brooke Breit & Andy Carey)

Episode Date: February 19, 2024

The hosts are in full vacation mode, but excited to catch up with Caballon the tree, Flower and new guest Noah Paine. Recorded live at Chicago's Thalia Hall.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiCaball'on Valentin: John SabineFlower: Brooke BreitNoah Paine: Andy CareyInta: Marla CaceresProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Stephen DrangerMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandPhotography: Kyle TelechanCheck out the new merch at our Teepublic store!Follow the show on YouTube to listen to the episode alongside two dynamic static animations of the tavern!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on X and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

What does it mean to be black in America? In NPR's Black Stories, Black Truths, a collection of stories as varied, nuanced, and dynamic as black experiences, you'll hear. It means everything. Search NPR Black Stories, Black History For Real, we use Black History's most overlooked figures back into their rightful place in culture and the world at large. Listen to Black History For Real on the Wanderer app

or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey there, it's Inta again in the secret bunker across the street from the Burger King that was definitely torn down a couple weeks ago. It is gone. Yikes. But I have good news. First, today's episode is the audio from the recent January 11 live show from Talia Hall here in Chicago. There are definitely some spicy visual things going on in this episode.

So if you find you really need to see photos, there are a bunch of them available for Patreon subscribers at patreon.com slash magic tavern. Oh, the other good news is that we have an official date for the return of regular episodes of Hello from the Magic Tavern. Season five starts on Monday, March 18, just in time for the nine-year anniversary of the show.

Okay, speaking of the show, let's listen into this live recording from Talia Hall. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. Look I say weekly, but we take breaks. Sometimes we gotta take a little bit of time off, you know? It's good to have quest life balance. I'm Arnie Necamp, the greatest war, thank you. The greatest warrior in all of Foon. If you've never listened to the podcast before,

fuck you, I'm on vacation. Look, I'm sorry, you're gonna be confused. It's okay. Look, usually if I wasn't on vacation, I would share a couple succinct sentences that would explain everything to the point where it would all make sense. It would all come together like a perfectly crafted story, like Back to the Future, Paddington

2. But now it's just going to seem like a total fuck around. I'm sorry. But thank you, the tavern is so blunder storm warning. We are all gonna be trapped in here. But there's no group I would rather be trapped with and that does include my co-host Chanta Talking Badger! Oh, yeah, baby! I don't, I have too many questions. I don't know where to start. Did you come in carrying a stack of bones?

Yeah, those are my bones. I don't, every time there's a blender storm, I tend to sort of, I'm a bit of a hovel hoarder. Sure. So I tend to try and do some, you know, blender cleaning. You ever heard of blender cleaning? No, I have not. So whenever there's a blender storm, you're supposed to get rid of half your stuff.

Okay. But I have all these bones, and I thought, you know, to just get rid of them tonight. I mean, those are big bones. I was, ah, why am I saying? Thank you, thank you! Oh my gosh, thank you. Those are big, those are big bones.

Thank you. How are you doing, butter? You enjoying our vacation? I'm really enjoying it. I feel like I'm getting a little more downtime. I'm getting to know the real Arnie. Mm-hmm. How are you doing? Is this your first blunderstorm?

I think, you know, I've been through some minor blunderstorms, but I've just decided to write in this moment, just feel like this is the biggest blunderstorm I've ever been through. I just want to, I feel like it's a storm that is so big that it would make me extra appreciative of anyone that, I don't know,

had plans to do something stupid that night, and they're like, you know what? I'm still gonna do that stupid thing. Huh. Yeah. Yeah. It. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

It's pretty cool. Or like, you know what? I'm gonna travel kind of a far ways. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Even though I may never get home. Yeah.

Travel far ways even though I may never get home. Arnie, that's just like back to the future, which you always talk about. I know, I'm always talking about Back to the Future and Paddington too. And what you say is your most favorite movie, You Don't Mess with the Zohan. Yes. I always refer to it by its proper title,

You Don't Mess with the Zohan. That has to be the title, right? That has to be. That has to be. Exactly, no way of finding out for sure. And Arnie, please, since there's a blunderstorm and we have nowhere to go, please tell us the story. Okay.

Do the voices. So. Arnie, do the voices. I was gonna do it and then I heard one person say yes in a way that I just wanted it too much. I think we all know at this point let's just acknowledge my approach is no. It's not yes and it's no but maybe this other thing. Yeah speaking of maybe this other thing. Oh come on.

Do the story. I'm going to bring out someone who knows the story of you don't mess with the Zo'han even better than I do. Ladies and gentlemen, my good friend, Eucidor the Blue! Eucidor the Blue! Eucidor the Blue! Eucidor the Blue! Eucidor the Blue!

Eucidor the Blue! Eucidor the Blue! Eucidor the Blue! Eucidor the Blue! Eucidor the Blue! Eucidor the Blue! Eucidor the Blue! Wizard of the Earth, real, multi-easiest, master of light and shadow, manipulator of magic of the light, the power of chaos. Champion of the great halls of Tarrakas, the elves know me as Fianc Yala- Smellick. The dwarves know me as Zonan and Hoeksengjes. And I am known in the northeast as Gassmwinius Maester. And there may be other secret names. Names that if...

Ah, fuck it, we're on vacation. Yeah, hey, Usador, Usador, Usador, Usador. Whoa. Usador, where did you get a aluminum can of beer? Yeah, I feel like I get a beer. I'm gonna go get a beer. I'm gonna go get a beer. I'm gonna go get a beer. I'm gonna go get a beer. I'm gonna go get a beer. I'm gonna go get a beer.

I'm gonna go get a beer. I'm gonna go get a beer. I'm gonna go get a beer. I'm gonna go get a beer. I'm gonna go get a beer. I'm gonna go get a beer. I'm gonna go get a beer. Yeah, I got these cool slippers. Whoa! Oh, tell us while you were on Earth, did you see? I was bored. Yusuf, did you see it?

Oh, Don't Mess With The Zohan? Yes. Uh, I think we all know it's You Don't Mess With The Zohan. You don't mess with the Zohan. Well, of course I saw it. It's the main reason I went. So, how was it? Is it everything Ernie said? Oh yes and more. It was a wonderful performance by Ben Stiller? No. Adam Sandler. Yes, Adam Sandler, yes. He was a wonderful, there's a lot of hair in my mouth. I'm gonna be perfectly honest with you all. How do you do it?

It's a real nightmare, isn't it? Gentleman here at the tavern tonight has a beard similar to mine. Yusidore is pointing out that there are a fair number of people in the tavern tonight that look a lot like Yusidore. Oh, that could, maybe, maybe that's, maybe that's just me from another timeline, wink.

And is that... Is that another chunt, but with a... better skin? Oh... Well, you see the thing about this wonderful Adam Sandler vehicle. Why, well, he made a hairdresser. Ooh, yeah. Which is just rife for comedy gold. Oh, rife and comedy go hand in hand Indeed that's what I thought

Sorry, I got to give this guy something yeah, that's fair wait You're close enough Chunt you just took off your underwear and you threw it into the audience. Woo! Not the first time, not the last. I would also like to point out that there are several people in the audience that are dressed exactly like me. I'm not throwing you my underwear. In the tavern. In the tavern. That is true. The whole world is in an audience. The whole world's my audience. Staring at you all the time you ego maniac. I've

requested that people start dressing like me just in case there's an assassination attempt. That's a good idea. I know that's why they're in the theater booth over there. I know, that's why they're in the theater booth over there. And I would say to you, other Arnie, live every moment in fear. For Arnie is the greatest warrior in all of Foon. And there are not, but evil doers all around us who would do not, but destroy him from the ground up. And even I have thought from time to time,

what if I just took my hands, wrapped them around his neck, and listened to the sounds of bones crushing- Oh, you got some bones here today, don't you? Bones! I don't want to spend too much time- So Adam Sandler is a hero. Oh, God. And why don't you to spend too much time... So Adam Sandler is a hair. Oh, God. And why don't you mess with him?

Well, because you see, at this time in history, and if you're a man of a certain age, you have a lot of preconceptions about hairdressers, which are wildly inaccurate. And if you wanted to play against those wildly inaccurate assumptions about hairdressers, you would make this a very tough hairdresser, for it was believed the hairdressers were weak in some way, which is a false and erroneous thing to believe. So really quite an

despicable film now that I think about it. This is the most I've ever thought about it. And I went to Earth specifically to see it. Guys, what should we do with our blunder day? It's so rare to get a date. You just do nothing. Just kind of cozy up, you know, with your best buds. Yeah. Hey, hey, let's not relax, let's relax.

Well, I can get into that. Just a couple of guys, three laxings. Just three laxings. Boys night. Boys night. I should show you the other artifact I brought back from oath with me. It's these wonderful sweatpants.

Oh. With a picture of Garfield on them. And he's saying, whatever. Whatever. So you hear Grant's wishes? Now like our very popular Patreon at patreon.com slash magic tavern We list we watched a bunch of a watch. Is that was that what you called? interacting with comic endured endured We endured many Garfield comics all inexplicable oh

I'm on vacation What's your hat down? The most inexplicable thing about these pants to me is after seeing many Garfield cartoons, why the fuck is he wearing tennis shoes? I don't know. It's like the whatever suggests he's like, I'm not dealing with any bullshit, but I am gonna put on tennis shoes for no reason.

But I put on shoes for the first time ever. That's weird, right? That's wild. It's also just so fun that we're finally talking so much about earth stuff. Yousour, did you meet that hot fucking Bayonass mom from Family Circus? Oh.

I wish. I loved the mom from Family Circus. She was so beautiful and she was with that Stupid idiot husband of hers. What is what a piece of shit Jennifer circus is that her name? I assume her name is Jennifer circus something like that. I'm going to retrieve my hat you guys talk amongst yourselves Wow permission Chunt. We've got to stop asking Yusr or questions because he'll answer them. Oh, I forgot. I forgot, I'm sorry.

Yusr, what you eat on Earth? Oh, the tale I can weave of the things that I ate upon the planet Earth. I went to an establishment where on the menu it said hot dog and I burned the establishment to the ground before I realized they weren't serving dogs but just sausages with a clever little fun name. But many people died. Well, well, I've had enough of you two.

Arnie, we're just three laxing. Just say it. Here's the thing, three laxing is great. But what if we were four laxing? Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

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What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Well, in that case, Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February Black History Mom. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th,

or you can listen early and ad free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Listen every year, I think you should know Black is beautiful. Thought, thought, thought, thought, thought, thought, thought. You should know, black is beautiful. You should know, black is beautiful. You should know, black is beautiful.

You should know, black is beautiful. You should know, black is beautiful. You should know, black is beautiful. You should know, black is beautiful. You should know, black is beautiful. You should know, black is beautiful. You should know, black is beautiful. Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to bring out, guest that frankly, I don't know how they're gonna get out here because I'm not sure they walk.

People are pretty excited about that. Is it wheeled bear? It's not. People are less excited about that. It is Shufflin' Steve. Good old Shufflin' Steve. Tell me, boy. I'm so sorry Let's ask you store

Shufflin Steve's deal Shufflin Steve's deal is that he loves to shovel and dig holes and he'll bury himself inside of them With his wife buried Mary. Oh Buried Mary. Oh, what a tragic tale. Oh it is a tragic tale. Buried Mary, married to Shufflin Steve. Oh he first he met her by digging her up because she was already buried. That's how she got the name. Yeah sorry it's a whole poem. Okay. That rhymes every fourth stanza. Every fourth stanza. Hey, I didn't write this shit. Here's the thing, you're listening to that poem for a long time, and you're like,

this is shit. And then suddenly it hits. Very merry. Oh, so sad. Buried so far under the ground, stands a one. Okay, so everyone, everyone, everyone, don't forget to lock the word ground into your memory. It's gonna be a while. Barry Mary, oh so sad, buried so deep in the ground, till coming along shuffling sieve and hurt her beneath dirt make a sound.

Buried, buried, couldn't get up, she was so deep beneath, and then Shufflin' Steve came across her once he heard Mary... Wait, hold on! What did he do? Once he heard Mary queef. I'm just, I'm just reciting a poem. Arnie, do you want to bet on the rhyme? That was never mine. Anyway. I love your segues, Arnie. Anyway.

This is the whole thing, right? I'm very excited. It's been a while. We sort of thought maybe he was dead. Uh, Caberon Valentine, the tree! CHEERING Wow. There was a man with a shovel back there. Oh, no.

Was that Shuffling Steve? I do not know, but there was a lady and it was on the rocks. Oh no. Arnie, we had Cabarone coming on and you said four lax instead of tree lax? Ah. I tree lax right now with you. It's good to see you.

It's been too long. Wait, oh, Capron. How are you? I'm good. How are you doing? Fine. It's winter. I'm dying. Yeah. Oh, yes, but we reburied you last time you were dying. Yes. And you came back? I grew. I know.

And I was baby. Now I'm old. And it happens again and again. Oh. Yeah, it's fun but it's painful. Oh. Do you find that people care more for baby cabarone than maybe just regular cabarone? Oh yeah, they go crazy for baby cabarones.

They're always like putting them on launch boxes. Right, right. Dressing their doggies up like him and then old cabarone comes back and they say, oh, go, go. It's fine become a coffin That's interesting have you ever been have you ever been crafted into furniture after you die? No, not yet But maybe this is my yeah Never know what would you like to be? Oh when I die like really died

Yeah, I've always wanted to be a rocking chair because I love hanging out but not but like also doing things. It's simultaneously relaxing and active. What do you think happens when we die? Good question. Yeah Arnie what do you think? Tell us Arnie. Arnie what do you think? Arnie what do you? Well, what do I think happens when trees die? No, when you die. When I die. Arnie, yikes. Well, I would have said.

My culture is not a costume. That's fair. I would say most of my life, I believe that nothing happens when we die. We just cease to exist and we just live on in the memories of people we knew and the stories we told and the stories that are told about us. But now after falling through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago, into the magical, fantastical land of Foon, luckily I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from that Burger King through the dimensional riff. Are you? Because I feel like-

Not from that Burger King. That's true. That's true. If you just happen to be in town and hoping to visit that Burger King, do not. But now I think, I don't know, I mean I guess I'm more open to any kind of possibilities. I'm not sure, I just have to hope there's content to be made in heaven. That's true, content is king in heaven. It is true. I believe that there's a song about that that went, uh... What? Why are you doing this to yourself? Do you think you'll remember when I make content in heaven?

That's a sad one. Totally worth it. Yeah. That was beautiful. Clapton, clapton. Clapton, yes. Hey, you know what? You do not want to know the backstory of that song. Do you know what?

We're on a break. This is a break. We aren't even doing the show right now. So, so what? Yeah. Doesn't matter. We're just happy to be here with our friend, Kaipara.

Yeah, and look, if this conversation is later monetized in some way, bleh. Yeah, and also, if people happen to email me at Chunt with six T's at gmail.com, at some point, Ernie, I have your phone and we can maybe read some emails. I'm not sure. A lot of two people are into that idea.

Somebody gets a bone, come and get your bone. Oh, bones! Now you famously don't have them. No, but the bones are like branches for people. That's true. That's a good point. And I've always wanted to ask, I don't know if this is insensitive, do the branches match the roots? For cabron, yes, but for others, no. This is a real bow.

That's a real bow. Oh, thank God I don't have fingerprints. Oh, yes. Maybe we're being framed for a crime today. Oh, yeah. Hold on. Chunt, did you murder someone and you're trying to set all of us up? Oh Chunt, are you trying to do one new thing a day? Yes, and today was murder. And don't worry, this is Clax.

He, hold on. Hold on. Let him finish. Let me finish. Clax is dead and those are his bones. But to be fair, Klax has been dead the whole time we've known him. Yeah, he's a skeleton.

Yeah, he is a skeleton. Let's also be very clear, the rest of Klax is very far away. Yeah, yeah, don't, yeah. This is all you're gonna get. Cabarone, have you just since you've been back Have you gone on any adventures or grown anything new or do you always grow back as the exact same type? No good a good question. Yes. Well, it was like four questions. I finally landed on one

This year kind of a letdown. Oh, I'm sorry. Pine cones. Oh, pine cones. I don't know what they're day four. No one, no pine cones. A couple of eight year olds made some crafts. I always thought pine cones were like tree jizz. Yeah, that's what I thought too. I thought it was tree jizz.

Not the testicles, but jizz? Yeah, yeah, there's no jizzness like shot jizzness. That's what I say But no, it was pinecone so it was a real snoozer of a spring. Yeah, I'm so sorry to hear that It's okay. Maybe maybe next year will be like dragon fruit or something. Oh, I was a mango tree one year Oh, that would be nice. I was a mango tree one year, oh, it was crazy. Wow. Well, what was so crazy about it? Were people just coming to you for fruit all the time? Yeah, mango trees are fun. People are like, oh, people are like,

oh, let's have a mango and they buy it and the juice goes down their throat and then it's like, well, let's get crazy. Oh, yeah. But if you do that with pine cones, you go to the hospital. Yeah. You sort of make a mango, make a mango. Era, oh, shit. I'll just use this? Make a mango. Make a mango. Err-uh.

Ah, shit. I'll just use this bone as a wand. Err-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh. Oh, it appears to my stomach. Whoa. What a wanker. I don't taste it. No, no, it's in your stomach.

Yes, you should not have taste buds in your stomach. Yeah. That's correct. Oh, it's kind of uncomfortable. Yes, you should not have taste buds in your stomach. Yeah. That's correct. Oh, it's kind of uncomfortable. Can you make it like chewed up? Like it's just full in my... You have a solid mango in your stomach. That can't be good.

Oh no, that's gonna take years. That's gonna kill you. Basically, you just killed Chunt. Oh no. You're only trying to frame me for a crime. It feels like a... Oh, it feels like I have to burp. Can you get it?

Here I come, all in coffee and tar. Two mangoes, what the fuck? Come on, come on, come on. Got you sucker. Take it, take it, come on. Oh, come on. Bizz-a-bizz-a-bub-a-boo. Thank you.

What else could you put in there? Phew. You'll never know. It was a snake. Come on, hey. It's a little snake. It was a snake. Come on, hey. It's a little snake. That's a worm. You're right, I forgot.

It's a worm. I just forgot what a worm was called for a second. So I said little snake, because it was the closest thing I could think of. Cablon, what kind of things live inside of you? Oh, so. Great question. Oh, thank you for asking.

No, of course. Thank you. You guys are so thoughtful asking all these questions. So I honestly, I don't, I really don't truly know, but I've got some clues. Okay, okay. mystery. Let's just go around the table. Arnie, what's it you?

I don't know, but there's got to be something in there. Okay. I thought, oh, Trump, yeah, Trump gotta be something in there. Okay. I thought, oh, Chomp. Yeah, Chomp. Wasn't Chomp besides Mingles? Um, a lot of Ringworm. Oh, that's congratulations! Thank you, thank you, thank you.

They moved in last week. Ring Snake. Yes, exactly. Yeah. Um, and then just a lot of ideas. Uh, you sir, what's in you? Power. Unlimited power. So great that if I didn't speak but in the slightest I could

destroy this entire town for I am magic incarnate. And that's some crackers I ate earlier today and this beer So you're not sure what's inside of you I found some eggs And I'm waiting for them to hatch. Oh because it could be like a cute baby Robin or it could be Another animal that lays eggs snake. What yes, but how could they let they not birds? What? Yes. But how could they, they're not birds? Chimera, Chimera probably.

Yeah, Chimera. They're a legs for sure. Two things. That's true. Two and one. Yeah. And then sometimes I find like things people leave. Oh, like their initials?

Yeah, yes, yes. Like loves like a heart and they cross a guy, it's usually a guy, comes back and crosses it out. Yeah. Like how much of it do they cross out, like the whole thing? The whole, they say, and they say like, love is dead. And then they like try to put a rope on one of my branches. No.

And then. Oh, till I can snare love? I don't... That's what I thought. That's what I thought. I said, oh, go get it. But they said, no, no, no, it's over. And I said, so then I usually break the branch down and say, you need it.

Go to betterhelp.com. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I got my own Patreon.

I guess so. Wonderful. Yeah, I guess so. I'm legally required to mention everywhere I go. Forthbetterhelp.com. Do you mind standing up for a second, Cabron? Yes. Wow, so majestic to see you in action. Guys, why don't we... Let's just take a look here and see what we see. What do you see on me? It looks like carved here it says Sheldon Steve and and then the name is crossed out looks like a Mary something. Yeah yeah he was

he he ran every fourth stanza. Yeah oh wow this says Chunt plus Chunt in the front row. Arnie Meekamp, 42069. Yes, I just love numbers, you know me. Oh, it says 420 plus 69 equals 874. Equals 8675309. Oh, you're way off. What else? That was a fun night, Arnie.

Yeah, I know. Yousar, what can you see on your side? Just bark. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I know. You sort of, what can you see on your side? Just bark. Yeah. Yeah, I only do my right side, because the left side's just for buckets. Just for buckets? Yeah, I play basketball too. Oh, I see, I see.

Wow! I thought it was like maple syrup or something. I think this side's just for getting buckets, yes. Yes, of course. Wow, are you a flower forward? Yeah, I'm a flower forward. Yeah but I'm a flower forward. Yeah, but I come from the bench sometimes which I don't mind because it's like hanging out with my friend Yeah Are you good at tree bounding? Oh, I'm really good at tree bounding really really good tree bounding, but I'm a bad at tree froze

I'm a bad at tree froze. Oh. Tree froze? Yes. But who cares about that? If you're good at free throws, it's like, okay, read a book. Yeah. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's Industries, Myhalla Harald, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her new

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tree laxing, aka for laxing. Arnie, I can always tell when you're having fun because it starts with, uh. relaxing. Arnie, I can always tell when you're having fun because it starts with, uh... So, yeah, like, uh... Every time we have a big party, every time you're going nuts, it always is like, uh... I could do this forever. I could do this forever, and then I leave immediately. Uh... I would like to bring out the fifth member of our five lacks.

This gasps. Some people in the tavern can't count chairs. Would you consider this a thing? Wait, hold on. Did one of my imposters accurately count the number of chairs? Isn't it bad enough? Isn't it bad enough that this one interrupted me already all the time? Three of them.

No assassin's going to accidentally kill an arnie that can count the number of chairs. You gave yourself away, you blew it. You win nothing, you lose, sir. Good day. I was going to try to make a portmanteau of the prefix pent and the word chill. And it probably would have been terrible. But I don't care, I'm on vacation.

Well, we'll still let you. Pent chill. on vacation. Well, we'll still let you. Pinchill. It doesn't work. Wow, cold is unshot. Anyway, guys, having a great time. I'd like to bring out our good friend, Flower the Talking Flower! Boys night! Boys night! Na na na na na na! We just got the fucking boys night up here. What's going on? Can't we run? Oh, you know, their flower has been so long. Is it awkward that you invited a former lover of mine? That's right.

On to the goddamn stage? Only briefly mentioned, but I think you two have a past together. Jess, we had a wonderful summer. I thought you said, Jess. Well, Jess, I did. You remember Flower? I do. It was really good.

It was quick. It was dirty. Yeah. It was so quick and so dirty. Arnie, Arnie, you can tell that Flower still likes Cabrone cause she kind of emo matted down one petal. Okay, okay listen, this thing was working just fine and then out of fucking nowhere a mango.

Just hit me right in the goddamn head. One more spot, I can't fix it, is it in the front, we'll flip it back? Yes, well, I'm sure that no one's been conjuring mangoes around here that should take responsibility for that, so don't worry about it. Yeah, I know it was you, they're fucking out of season. There's no way a mango would naturally appear this time of year. But how do you know it was me? Maybe Arnie did it.

Yeah, Arnie. Wasn't Conjuring Mangoes your first improv team? Yes. Well, yeah, well, look, we were a Kriskatan, all Kriskatan impression group, called Conjuring Mangoes. Sometimes we called ourselves... Oh, trees love Catan. Our catchphrase was, do you want some cookies? So wait, you are all Chris Catan, improv group and your names were not settlers of Catan?

That should have been. This opportunity. Should have been. Circle back around. They're all available, I would have to imagine. Flower, I gotta ask, during a blunderstorm, do you try and take shelter? Do your routes for pedals freeze?

What typically happens? You know, I use a lot of real good self-care. So I'm always like lubricating, making sure that things are working right. During a blunderstorm, I like to, yeah. Should we go? Should we go? Should we go?

Should we go? Should we like make an excuse to go and leave them? Maybe. Yeah, let's be subtle about it. Okay, yeah. I like to just make sure everything is like real loose and goosey. And then I stare out the window and I love to see just the

flakes of blood coming down. And I think about my life and then just sort of, you know, start masturbating. That's so interesting. That's so interesting, Flower. Thank you. Tree, what do you think of that? I think it's perfect.

Wonderful. See, this is our problem. This is why we never work out. That's true. It's because he's just too nice about stuff. And I like... She's a dirty little freak, and I need it. I would write her poems, and you can't...

And I know why that's down. Because it's, I love you, he loves me me. He loves me not and I did the math I think that he loves me. Wow Let's test the math you sit order You want me to start pulling two hours petals out or just counting them? Well, I can count them I certainly wouldn't tear them out. No, she likes it If you try that whole fucking things coming out. No, she likes it if you do it wrong. I would be honest, if you try that whole fucking thing's coming off. Yeah, I guess.

Also, Also, flour would kick my ass. We very early on established flowers are one of the things in food you do not fuck with. Also, a little bit later we established flowers as pubes. Oh, we did do. You know what? There's a lot of cannon. Guys, we're on a break. There's a blunderstorm coming. Can we just be non-canonical for...

We're on a break! We were on a break. Awesome! Yeah, if people were also at this venue last year, it was a different fucking flatwood. But you know what? Sometimes in the middle of a blunderstorm you're looking around your goddamn house you're like I can't find it. And then you find this one which is one you worked for the previous year before that and to be honest this has been put on the dog a lot.

I remember when we would put on the dog a lot. We would put on the dog! Do you remember that? Yes, of course I do. And you'd be like, you're parking up the wrong tree? Yeah, I'd park it. I'd be like, baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa b We have some... No, we'll be back. We just... We're just gonna go not be near what's going on here.

Why would we leave right now? When there's nothing sexual going on at all? Why do you always say that? Just what I believe. But the fact that you say that so much just becomes suspicious. I never leave any place until Coitus is engaged. Woo!

Try and get me out of your birthday party, I dare you. So that's why he's been with us for 80 years. That's true. Wow. Until Coitus is engaged. He's been with us for 80 years. That's true. Wow. Until... Coitis is engaged. Well, no, aren't he's my work wife? Right, Arnie?

Sure. Shout to these pedals. I've never counted them. And again, it's just a seasonal. He loves me. Okay. He loves me not. No.

He loves me. Yes. He loves me not. Fuck. He loves me. No He loves me. Do I count the one that's down? No, you're supposed to go from the other side From the other side. I'll start over. I think It should I look I'm no math genius, but it should work either way Wait, we said he's supposed to I think it means it's this way. I think it works. And if it doesn't, oh no. But I can't count the chairs either.

Okay, wait, wait. You, you, what's meat in the middle? Okay. You start on this side. He loves me. He loves me not. Did you move on, Phil? He loves me not, cause you said it real quick.

I said it's, no, I'm on the third one. What are you on? What the fuck? Oh. Okay, I'm on the third one. He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me.

He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me. I cheated it. I did the math right. No, be serious. What the fuck have you been? I was a pine cone this year. I didn't think you could love me.

You were a pine cone? No one wants to be with a pine cone tree. You're like, not even an acorn tree. Do you know what I would do if I found you as a pine cone? Please, please tell me in explicit detail. Please be graphic because it's winter and papa's dying. First thing I do is I would slather you in peanut butter. Oh Great cream your crunchy with both. Okay. Oh big spender

They roll you around his seeds what kind of seeds I don't... Oh, okay, I get it now. What are you getting there? What? And then I would put it outside and I would let the birds come and be a homemade bird feeder until you were ready to fuck me. Wait, Usador, Usador. Yes. Can we switch real quick? Sure, yes, of course. Here you go. And I've got the bone.

Okay, this is more correct. Yeah. Wow. Do you know earlier when you asked what's inside him? Yeah. This bitch! And this is the scale. There's no easy way to say this, but...

You can watch. Okay. Arnie, I'm proud of you. Arnie, I'm so proud of you. Thank you. I always tell Arnie, you're a little fucking pervert. Speak up. It's so...

Arnie, it's so nice to embrace your point. We're sex... We're sex positive plants. Yeah, sex positive. Yeah, if a tree comes in the forest, do you hear it? I don't know, though, watching a tree in a flower has like, I don't have that kind of patience. That's true, it has to be windy.

Yes. Yeah, you know what, it takes, relationships sometimes take the right conditions. Yeah, you know what? It takes... But relationships sometimes take the right conditions. Yeah. It's a storm tonight, so... That's true. I say after this, we all go outside, see what fucking happens. Okay.

Barney, I definitely want to see what fucking happens, but... One, two, three, four, five... Oh, shit, I forgot. I don't know how to count chairs. Um... Six, apparently, according to the other arnie. What if I were not the right one? What if I were the fake one?

Oh! Wouldn't surprise me in the least. Ask me a question only I would know the answer to. What's your social security number? Ha ha, I don't know. That's our arning. I'm so excited to bring out our next guest. I'll let him explain what his whole deal is. But I'm very excited to bring out Noah Payne.

to bring out Noah Payne. I am a huge fan of your work. That's really wonderful. I'm a big fan of yours as well. And Mr. Tree, I really enjoyed you in the most recent Slam Trunk contest. Oh, wow. Thank you. Thank you so much.

That's so good. Yeah. When you pulled the ball between the branches, and yeah, it was pretty stellar. Oh, thank you so much, that's so good. Yeah, between when you pulled the ball between the branches and yeah, it was pretty stellar. Oh, thank you, thank you so much. And I'm so sorry, I'll introduce myself. I am Noah Payne, I'm a host of local Skry cast, the from part of the Funian Public Skrying Pools network. My most famous people might know me from this Hungarian scrip. Usually a tale in three chapters where we

explore some interesting facet of life here in... What's his voice doing? How am I? This is the type of timber that your normal scrying pool host tends to engage in. Sometimes it's becomes a bit of a stereotype. I'm both sleepy and intrigued. You had me at timber.

I want to go on a long drive and listen to you and stay just awake enough. Ah. Yeah. It's really a multi-purpose tool of a voice. It can help you fall asleep. It can help you stay awake. It can help you do a lot of chores around the house if you want, which is how I got into it. Wow.

Yeah. Yeah. Anyways, yeah. So this is also pledge week. So I've been looking for some really what no, no, you know I I'll still stick around but I'm looking for some interesting stories that we might have here If it is Patrick I pledge this to fight evil and all its forms Yeah, no evil shall escape my sight

I shall burn down any village where the group of orcs have come in to cause havoc and raise their ugly heads in the hopes of spreading evil and havoc through all hell. And I say this to you now. You said orcs, you said orcs, I'm so sorry to interrupt. I think we have the same question. You're saying if orcs attack a town

Yes, you're gonna come in and burn down Exactly the type of off-kilter type of human interest story that we really on yeah I'm just being Gary inscribed. Yeah, just sorry Let me amend my pledge. If the orcs have already come in and killed everyone in the town, I shall burn it to ashes, yet if there are still survivors there, I and the rest of the forces of goodness shall deliver them from evil. In a couple months or a back on full time this and other wonderful pledges from a lot of our diviners and scriveners is just the type of content you can expect during pledge week since you sort of pledged can he get like a smoke bag yes wait what a, what? A smoke bag? It's like a little pouch. A smoke bag. A smoke bag. A smoke bag. With a name on it, with the name of the shell on it, and you can carry

a library book in it. Yes. You can put like your recycling in there. Yes. Bag. Yes. A smoke bag. Yes. I thought at first it was a smoke bag, and I thought under myself, it's just good. Yeah. This could be very insane, but very useful to some of our listeners. No, from my experience, no from my experience,

if you're not entirely sure what Chen is saying, just kind of go, anyway. Ah. That's a good idea. Ah! What other, is there any local interest stories that we might enjoy? Yeah, what are some of the great,

what are some of, like, if we're gonna be pledging stories, what are some great ones we've already had? So like a cow with shoes or something, like what's going on? Well, recently there was a very popular story called Seven Babies and a Dragon. Wait, seven babies and a dragon? Yeah. What is it called?

It's Topsie Turvy! Wherein there was an extra-dimensional traveler who was short and a math prodigy and a very quiet magician and then five asexual badgers who would only be badgers. And therefore they had adventures going to meet a dragon and they're bringing their treasure to the dragon Fuck that sounds so much better Yeah, I'd listen to that story. Yeah, you would and at the end of it there would be a pissy Quote from me where I would take a normal turner phrase and put a twist on it take a normal turner phrase and put a twist on it. Oh.

Ooh. I'm sorry, before you do that, these badgers were asexual? They weren't interested in any sort of romantic or sexual or physical relationship whatsoever. How did you figure that out? Are you sure this maybe they just aren't into you? Yeah, everybody turns you down isn't a session I Well, I I certainly beg to differ My my finger in kill count is quite high. Oh

How many bubbles did they have? one between the five They each had their own and they had just one used for it. It was tragic. Honey, that's so sad. Still sounds better. Imagine having one butthole. I do and it's already enough trouble. You're so lucky

What do you got we don't have we don't have we don't have any holes I'm not worried about that tonight. Oh good. Oh, you you don't have like a big knot. No, I don't have I mean we do But there's a doon it. It's like an accident. Oh, I see We just have our roots and our leaves and our branches. You know what, you've seen a tree. Yeah, I've seen a tree. Oh, yeah, you have. Yeah, I know what trees are like.

Now, Noah, as you travel through food and collecting these stories, do you ever find yourself, in searching yourself into the stories, or do you keep a kind of journalistic separation, hint, hint, Arnie? I have a very professional relationship with the stories that we tell on this American, this Hungarian, Scryces? I'm so sorry. A strange, terrible word came out of my mouth that has never been spoken before. It's all right. This episode is not cat Ah, ah, cool cool cool cool cool cool cool It's a bummer that the catan episode is a cannon

I mean when you have an expanded universe you can sort of cherry pick the stuff you want and just give it to the rest Yeah, I love picking cherries Better than pine cones The I Normally really do keep myself out of and have a journalistic remove Telling the stories in third person until they're not interesting And then I will get in there and cause division or anger between the subjects

and kinda make it cool again. Oh, huh. So is there an example of a time that you were on a particularly boring story and got in there and really fucked things up? Well, once there was five Badgers who kept wanting anything to do with me. Okay.

Are these the same Badgers or different Badgers? who kept not wanting anything to do with me. And... Are these the same badgers or different badgers? Oh, I realize I've given a lot of way that I didn't intend to, but there we go. So yeah, that's just one example. We had, there was a story, very one of our most famous ones, which was Remained in Place at Birth

where... there were 12 babies born on the same day in the same hospital and I just thought how much more interesting it would be if I just shuffled them like cards That was my favorite one. 20 years later we did an episode following them and saw all the interesting ways in which they did or did not fit into their respective families. I won so many awards for that episode. this up. Arty, this is not a fucking monster.

I know. Shuffling babies? Yeah. Do you think he did it like a, or like a, I, I, I tried but I could never do the bridge, so no I didn't. Arty, do you think it was like a, wait careful with some of these gestures. Okay. Is this your baby? Err, Arnie, let's go to your phone.

Oh. First things first. You have a text? I do. It's from Travis McElroy. Oh! He said, Shall we do an escape room in San Francisco?

Tell him, No, don't text me again. Okay. I'm kidding. Uh, we have an email here from Sean. Sean says, Drove to a closed Burger King. Oh. Oh, a lot of Sean's in the house.

Yes, yes, it has been reported to us that tragically, the Burger King where Arnie made his egress into food, is no longer there. It has been defaced, defiled. And I apologize that you can no longer taste their delicious chicken fries. This, this week on this Fingarian scribe, today is not your day.

Have it, no way. You're good. I'm gonna use it. I'm gonna use it. Now I get it. Now I get it. You're good. Chun, was there more to the email? Uh, yeah, I guess so.

Says... Ha ha ha, interesting. My girlfriend and I drove all the way You're good. Good. And Chun, was there more to the email? Uh, yeah, I guess so. Says... Ha ha ha, interesting. My girlfriend and I drove all the way to Chicago today from Maddy-san, Wisconsin. And only just learned in the last, like, 20 minutes that the Burger King is closed. She's only listened to two episodes of the podcast. Oh, wish too. Deletes.

We're in that's a big delete. Here's an email from Julia. Before you read that email I would like to officially put out there that if you represent some kind of fast food chain and are interested in promoting our Wi-Fi signal for- Artie, you just got a text from- So you long John Silver? Perfect. Because I was also going to say, the only caveat is, you need to be a fast food organization

that's kind of funny. Oh, Long John Silver's deleted their text. Oh. I didn't know that was a thing, or things could do. Here's an email from Julia, it says, boys night game night, since there is a storm, what are good games to play to pass the storm? Well past the storm is a game

We played a lot of past the storm in journalism school. Yeah so how it works arnie is We'll start here and you add a one element of a storm So you might say like big gust of winds, okay? Or chilly chilly temperature. And then each subsequent person has to say that thing and then add their own. You want to start us off? Sure, sure.

And this is the easiest part. Anything in the world. Anything at all. Just like... Novelies is where I would insert myself into the story. How about thunderous lightning? Perfect. And one chicken all alone. And now Ernie, you continue. Okay.

Okay. Thunderous lightning and one chicken all alone. And a cow flying around in the sky. Thunderous lightning and one chicken all alone. And a cow flying all around in the sky. Thunder and lightning and one chicken all alone and a cow flying all around in the sky in the most beautiful flower. Huh. Thunder and lightning.

Oh. This is happening. What's happening? I... I think Flower Sox say, Bitch I am. One of them does. Thunder Rewind in, In a cock all alone, In a cow flying over,

In the most beautiful flower in the world, Searching for the world, Searching for the world, Searching for the world, Searching for the world, Searching for the world, Searching for the world, Searching for the world,

Searching for the world, Searching for the world, Searching for the world, Searching for the world, Searching for the world, Searching for the world most beautiful flower in the world searching for a hole. Thunder and lightning and a cock all alone and a cow flying through the sky. I changed it! And a beautiful flower looking for a hole as the winds spin and spin and destroy all in their path till naught is left before them for the power of Eucidor

has conjured this tornado to destroy evil wherever it may be. Oh, God. Oh, yeah, and then what? It was an evil cow and an evil cock, and the flower and the tree should have the opportunity to copulate at their leisure. And now we wrap back around. I just wanna quit before we do that.

I just want to say, I'm pretty sure we just did it because Cabreraan yelled, jazz. Oh, possible. Oh. Great. When I said, when I said jazz, I said jazz. Okay, you said that a lot of times on the show. Now that I think about it.

Huh, yeah. Let's call it David's bed, David's bed. Oh! So, this week, thunder and lightning, a cock all alone, a cow flying all around in the air, a beautiful face of a flower? A flower looking for a hole. And a giant tornado.

And the type of language that would really get an audience excited. And evil being smitten by a powerful wizard named Usador. Thank you. Do you see how easy it is to call me a powerful wizard, Arnie? I wasn't paying attention, I'm sorry. Capping it all off with, this has been risky jizzness. Oh shit, you have to, you try to end your show with like a good line? Sometimes they just come to me, sometimes.

Sometimes Risky Jesus just comes to you. Or did you want to end with like a physical bit? Like did you want to just wear your polo nothing else and slide across the stage Would that be more fun than risky jizzles? We all know I'm not gonna move around that much Arnie don't forget. Whatever. Oh.

If someone tells you to do something you don't want to do, just say, whatever. Do you keep showing everyone your pussy? Yes, I do. In the hopes that someone will appreciate it. I appreciate it. Thank you for that. You're welcome. Honestly, that's just Yusrera's basic instinct. That's true.

This week on Hello from the Magic Tavern, no stone left unturned. Oh! Oh! We can skip past another good line to not end the show. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. They're all fucking night. Uh, Sharon is caring. Sharon is caring?

That's... You got booed. That's why I love you. Oh, and I love you. Boo! Foon. Foon. Yes, that's what they were going to. I love you. Woo! Phone. Phone. Yes, that's what they were going for.

Noa, what's your personal life like? I'm on the seventh marriage. Four of which have been exciting and successful. Three of which have ended in lawsuits. Sure. What's the spacing on that? Like, I want to know out of seven, is it like every other was good, bad, good, like, boo, boo, boo.

Or is it like, yeah? I always hope it'd be something I could count in public. Like, it was healthy, it was toxic. It was healthy. Oh, sorry, start over here. Start over here. Let's start with the last one. Yeah, let's work that out.

I have a brain for the scribbling. So it's like Star Trek movies. I can know that because this isn't Ken. In which case, yeah, well the first two are good. Okay. So my first two marriages were good. The third marriage was directed by Letta Nimoy. So that's how... Whoa! Whoa! Wait, hold on! My fourth... In my fourth marriage, I traveled through time and had to save a giant whale. And I have a lot of affection for that relationship in my past, but I'm afraid to revisit it for fear

that it won't hold up. Sure. Wasn't a young Tom Hardy in one of your marriages? Sure. He was. And I think a Benedict Cumberbatch who wrote my most recent marriages. Wow.

I almost called my most recent marriages. Wow. I almost called my marriage a movie. So, aww, going back to your, I believe, third marriage, when you were talking with your spouse at that time about letting Leonard Beemoy come in and direct your marriage, did you say, he can do it, he directed three men and a baby? Uh-huh. I Shut is never looked more surprised wait three minutes a baby. I thought where we came from in fune It was three babies in a man

Wow, I guess tonight's Kevin. Yeah And She was she was all for it. Yeah. It was just because she knew that he was more than just one character, that he was multifaceted and contained multitudes as both a performer and a director. And to that I say, live long John Silver's and prosper. Useful, useful, useful, John Silver's and prosper.

Useful, useful, useful, come here, come here. Hey, what, what? Hey, you have to use your magic. You have to go back 10 minutes to when he said risky jizzness so we can end the show. Something's going wrong. I'll get it, I'll get it. Yes, no, don't worry.

Before you do that, I just want to say about your marriage that some advice I would give is just because you fall can doesn't mean you should Profound All I'll add is it's not wordplay, but Leonard mean Nimoy was very good in fringe Very good and fringe. Huh, what's the joke there? Very good and fringe. No joke, fringe. No joke.

It's observational humor. Jane, no, this is too... It's time to race the audience's frown by gathering here and releasing the power of Dark Brown. Oh, come on, come on, dude. Come on. Oh, mangos.

Let us fly backwards in time like that cow in the sky. Let us learn that lesson from Marty McFly. Woo! If the point we're at acting the show is unsure! Let us go now, back to the future! As you get into your yard, you're in front of this guy, he's in the top of the desert. And this has been...

GisGeeGisNess. Awful. Damn it. Good enough. It all came together as, like, perfectly, like Paddington 2. That's all. Damn it. Good enough. It all came together as like perfectly like Paddington 2. That's our show. Thank you so much. That's our show.

Thank you so much. Yep, that was a live show. Usador the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chunk the Talking Badger was played by Adlerify. Caballon Valentine, the Talking Tree, was played by John Sabine. You can see John perform with the improv team late 90s, Sundays at Logan Square Improv. Also with the improvised Shakespeare company at Chicago's I.O. Theater. Flower, The Talking Flower, was played by Brooke Bright. And Noah Payne was played by Andy Carey. You can see Andy in the improvised Shakespeare company at Chicago's I.O. Theater. You can also catch him in Paper Girls on Amazon Prime and Justified, City Primeval on Hulu.

Special thanks to Talia Hall and for everyone that braved the winter weather to come to the show. Like I said up top, you can see lots of professional photos of the show on the Patreon. If you want to learn more about supporting the show, go to patreon.com slash magic tavern. Patrons can listen to the new season of officesices and Bosses and later this week is a new Patreon episode where Arnie, Yusador and Chunt try to put together a March Magic Bracket for patrons to vote on in the month of March. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Necamp, Matt Young and Adelra Fai, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, associate producer Anna Haverman. This episode edited by Stefan Dranger. The