Hello From The Magic Tavern - Patreon Unlock: Masters of Mayhem: Season 3, Ep 1 - Scrom

Episode Date: June 19, 2023

Enjoy this unlocked bonus episode from our Patreon! The Baron and Dripfang meet a dwarf, working to save his family, deep in the bowels of Castle Ragoon.You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!CreditsBaron Ragoon: Chris RathjenDripfang LeDesparé: Kevin ScirettaScromdoggle Mainafort: Eli MandelCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Matt YoungPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Anna HavermannSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgi, Kevin Sciretta and Chris RathjenMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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It's still summertime, and bootleg crags pirate Patreon radio is blasting out unlocked Patreon episodes right here from the poolside. Normally you could go to patreon.com slash magic tavern to hear some rad bonus content, but this week we're basking in the sun and doing sick dives off the board. But back in food, there's a darkened grim place known as Shrike, and those two chuckle heads bear in ragoon and drip thing have their own podcast. So slip on your flip flops, grab a dream cycle, and enjoy the first episode of Masters of Mayhem Season 3. Hello from the forbidding castle.

You're listening to masters of mayhem, cursed content from the wretched realm of food. I am your host, Baron Shanglebirth Regune, steward of the Shrike Valley. About two score and six Bort Knights ago, my world crumbled when I learned of the ignominious defeats of my Dark Lord, the would-be conqueror of the world. Defeated, I have returned to my ancestral seat of Shrike,

where I consolidate my power, plot those dark deeds that may yet still be worth doing, and produce a podcast. Joining me in this tactical retrenchment is my colleague and house guest. The chef and quisitor turned savior of food. His business is necromancy, his sinew is snake, and his rent is pancakes. Grip thing, la desparé. Can I tap you off on this pancake? Do you want another one?

I shouldn't, but yes, I will have one more pancake. I'll load you up. I'll give you two more just in case because I don't need two look. Oh, yeah, okay, I'll take a, yeah, sure, one on it. Don't deny yourself. I'm gonna tell you right now since I've been here, you've only got more cut. I don't know what you're doing, I don't know what your training regimen is.

You go one way, I go the other. I do some rage punching sometimes. Yeah, you do it. I know we all do some rage punching these. Absolutely, I've done a lot of void screaming lately. Where I, yeah, I'll use one of your spell books to open a pocket void, and I'll just yell my frustrations into that. So either I've created several voids

that are full of curse words, or I've created one very small, concentrated cluster of parallel dimensional curse words. So, you know, we're all coping the way we can. No, vulgar vortex of some sort. That's a really, that's a way better way of putting it. Yeah, something that is swirling and howling and screaming and cursing. Overall, just pretty metal and something you get sell tickets to.

Can I tap you off on syrup too? You want more of the stuff? Lea! I got the tap from the haunted trees in the Arbor item. Oh yeah, so I wanna say this now before you talk me into another Mimosa and we end up just having one of those slow days. I want to do some real plotting and scheming today. I have been looking over my numbers

of the forces I've assembled, of the Flotsim and Jetsim leftover from the Dark Lords army. Many of them have come to Shrike. I'm trying to plan some big moves. I know you've got stuff going on. And I think you've been here. It's been a year and a half since the Dark Lord, you know, failed and was dissipated and I think we got to get time to start moving on stuff. Yeah, sure. So I'm just gonna say someone refilled your mimosa tanker.

Whether it was me or whether it was someone else, I'm not gonna reveal. But there is more champagne and OJ in that tanker. Because I think that'll help, I think the vintage and the tartness of the oranges that we're using here. Because everything you're in the Shrike Valley have noticed, even if it is supposed to be naturally on the sweet side, has something cut through it that makes it, and I don't want to say strange because that's almost derogatory. Yes, fell. With a sadness to it as well. Yeah. It really like everything I know about Somalia work is really being put to the test here because first of all okay for anyone who's listening at home or on like a prison barge or wherever the fuck this goes. I, again, all this time that we've been doing it,

not exactly sure. I think it's really about the act, but yes, to anyone listening out there, really superfluous to making a podcast, but sorry, but go on. No, no, no, no, no, not at all. Like, it's just generally what you think you know about something. Here in Tric, everything is just a little bit off.

You know, it's just a little bit off you know it's just a little everything's like three centimeters to the left it really warms my heart to hear that because that that took work that took work it wasn't like that when I came to power I had to I oh no this was this was the gem of the midlands well we I mean the tourist company the tourist agency said that but it was I mean you paid to come in and give you a slogan and they give you a gem of the Midlands. Well, I mean the tourist company, the tourist agency said that. But it was, I mean, you paid to come in and give you a slogan and they give you a gem of the Midlands. You're like, wow, thanks.

I'm glad we spent the Chamber of Commerce budget on that one. Yeah, so I put that in it to an end. I killed that guy. That only fair. Yeah, and I turned Shrike from the quiet little bucolic valley that it was to the one one three centimeters just off that you're seeing here. A lot of bats. Can I just point that out? There's a lot of bats.

A various sizes. Some just walking the halls. Yeah, that, you know what? I didn't do that specifically on purpose. That's my kind of... Oh, sorry. So they were here before I got here Yeah, yeah, they just kind of just you know, they could tell it was homie Yeah, I'm plumbing various regions of the Netherrealm right the dark lands beyond the gray space from which none returned But that I forced things to return to because I'm a necromancer Mm-hmm and a lot of the work that I've been doing have been letting certain many eyed, many tentacled, befanged in mis-shape and by some

measures to be into this physical realm. Sometimes you just look at a thing and instead of having a shape, you can tell it has a mis-shape. Exactly. You can tell that that's not right when you're making a cake and you take it out of the oven It's like no cake is a bad cake, but I was trying for one thing and I got something else Yeah, I was still gonna serve it because I made you ungrateful mother fuckers a cake

But at the same time I know in my heart that what I was trying for was something in the shape of What's a dragon can't and it came out werven, and I just have to live with that. But at most of those are because I've been trying to find the soul of Yusidor in order to destroy it. Yeah, yeah. I've been denied my vengeance as everybody, I mean, this is a lot coming on. In the intervening year and a half,

that I've been around, a lot has gotten, a lot of bad information has gotten out about me being the savior of food, about how I killed the dark lord. Yes, and I hope you don't mind that I thought I put a little spin on it when I set it in the intro so that everyone knows that we're down on that, but I know you didn't save this. Shit hole? No, fuck no, that's not my role in this thing. I didn't, I'm not here to save anybody.

I was trying to do quite the opposite. It just happened at the sword that I forged was the one that was used. I know. Right, so the instrument of his demise used to door my nemesis, who I hate, but I respect. Also perished, and I've been denied my vengeance. So I'm going to reach out where he think

there is some respite and destroy whatever piece that he has, which I think might be the most evil thing of all. So that's just kind of what I'm working on. Also, I've been trying to get this butter that you have here infused with a couple of different things, just like different flavor profiles and textures here. And I just, I want your honest opinion on this

because I can mind this butter with a jelly that emerged from one of those vortexes that you were talking about earlier. All right, let me just have a little taste. And I need you to be honest because the only thing that will help me is constructive criticism. Um... I... can believe this is not butter.

Your eyes have gone completely black. Just so you know. Oh, I can kind of feel it. I can like, okay, great. I can see, I can still see, but I can almost see too much. Yeah, okay, that's a great. I'm gonna write that in my notebook.

We'll give sight beyond reason. Would you say sight beyond reason? Yes, because I do not know the reason for this. Okay, the most I might be able to counteract that a little bit. Did you see that sound? I heard a sound. I didn't see it though. Oh, Sinistetic aspects to sight There it is again. I just have another again. What's going on? Ah, I don't know it's I have not Seen that sound before. I guess I'm also hearing it.

But that sounds like it's coming from the stairwell. Oh, okay, I'm always armed. Do you need to grab something before we go over there and find out what it is? Yeah, this will do. I can stab someone. Who's God? Look at the size of that.

See, you wouldn't be able to lift that when I first knew you, but now you've gotten and stronger. You just lifted that, what, the swipes, swipes, swipes, swipes, swipes, swipes, swipes, swipes, swipes, swipes, swipes, swipes, Charmander, Charmander, Charmander, I, you know, like Wimler, I, I just like the look of it. I just like the look of it when I killed its wielder

and just kind of stuck it in the wall here. And honestly, I needed help putting it in the wall, came out super easy. All right, I needed help putting it in the wall. Came out super easy. All right, well, let's head over to staircase. See what the fuck that noise was, and if we've got to kill it, I'm gonna take my pancakes. Yeah, I'm gonna take this, my mocha. This, this is great.

Oh, push ahead. Whoa. Who goes up there? It's a dwarf, stands. There goes that door up there. You're letting all the dark out now. Oh, great point! Oh, yeah.

Who goes there? Speak! You stand before the Baron of Shrike. Lord of this castle! And his friend! Oh, yes, and my friend. Friend got an ape there! Oh, just the Baron of Shrike got an ape there!

Oh, he's got an ape, we'd be able to... No, you didn't say that! I went by title! I am Shango Birth Raku. And do you want to do your name or should I? Oh no, I'll do my name. My name is Kurt Russell. Oh, all right then. Come on down in here.

Not giving my real name yet. I don't know if he's trying to use it against me. Yeah, it might be some name magic. Hello? Hello? Hello? What y'all doing up down here? What are we doing up down here? Yeah, what are y'all doing up down here?

Come to check in, talk low, doing good job for him, yeah? No, I am the bear, this is my castle. This is my castle. Well, you go ahead and tell that, talk low to yours, I'm going to get down there and to the month that. This is my castle. This is my castle. Well, you go ahead and tell that dark lord of yours and I'm going to get down there and end of the month there. I'm sorry, are you?

What's happening at the end of the month? I'm gonna finish digging this hole here. Almost down, break down to the underworld there. What, you are digging down to the underworld under my castle? Oh, you got a bunch of crawfish in your ears, huh? Yes! What you been in? That's what the purpose of the staircase. I'll have you know, I only put crawfish in my craw.

And if there's stuck in there, forget it, then he's peeved. Now I think it's just a communication difference. I could have been digging to the underworld this whole time I've been using magic tombs. Uh, Master Jooff. Hi. Dear. Turn Russell here.

Call me Pliskin. The whole that you're digging is to the underworld. Do you access it? Maybe to animation secrets? Are you work? Were you contracted to do some work? What's the known as? Yeah, I don't have questions about why I get told to do a job.

I come down here and I do the job. Oh, okay, sure. Okay, so come down here and I do the job. Okay, sure. Okay, so what we're dealing with here is labor. I'm gonna conference with the head of the castle real quick. Did you bring in a crew to dig to the underworld in your castle? I did not. I did not. I mean, I was away from here for a while, you'll recall. I- It's true. I mean, I- He mentioned the dark lord, I'm assuming this was part of the expansions to the castle that he-

Set off. That's right. I mean, I keep focusing on how tall the- the tower is now, but he was probably, of course, he was digging down as well. Sure, it's a bit of a yin and yang thing for as high as we reach the- the- the lower we have to plum. Ah, I mean, I- that is actually a pretty classy. Now, you go back there, you tell that dark lordios that I'm gonna finish this job by the end of the month and then he can send my family free.

Oh, okay, I got it. There we go. I was just gonna say what the wages of a particular job like this was going, you have a name there, friend? Yeah, I got a name. Ooh, he's playing it cool, just like I did. Uh, well, we are the Dark Lords' Dark lieutenants, and we command thee. Give us your name, Master Dwarf.

Uh, uh, Goldie, uh, on there. Wait in a minute. Alright, Goldie. Sorry, I gotta admit to some to do you there. That's not my name. I saw a hunk of gold on the ground and then I felt a yarn coming on. Oh, sure. Well, I was attracted to you much like you were a bird on a wire.

Then if we are all being honest, then I will admit something as well. Dramatic flourish. I am not Kurt Russell. Well, to Fengle and to Spare, a chef and visitor of the Dark Lord, Necromancer, and, let's say, Rack onto her. And I, as I said, Baron Shanglebirth Regune,

and it occurs to me I want to have another, I know we just had a conference, but I think we cut it a little short. One second, to Feng. Should we tell this guy that the Dark Lord has been defeated, has dissipated to the realms of Ephesias, has failed in his grand scheme to remake this wretched realm?

This is something I think we can slow play. Okay. All right. But I've found when people in the employ of the Dark Lord find out that he's not around anymore, they react one of two ways. Big, too big. Too big, too big. Yeah. Right, right. of the Dark Lord find out that he's not around anymore. They react one of two ways. Big, two big, two big.

Yeah, right, right. They either have a has a freedom or they try to kill me with whatever it's handy. Right, so let's just ease into this one. I just realized he admitted not to being Goldie-Hon but didn't admit to what his actual name is. Oh, he is a crafty one. That's dwarves for you?

Crafty. They're very crafty. Very crafty, not to generalize, but yes, I did a crafty for us. Yeah, I'm scared if I went up. Excuse me, Dorven, mate? Buddy. I had dwarven buddy. Since you're not Golihan, I would inquire as to your authentic name.

I don't know if I can trust you too. Last time I trusted someone, the dark lord, took my family down into a little pit. That sounds like it. Yeah. Said he'd lower a little bit of lava on top of them, just a teensy bit at a time, until there was so much lava that they might be inclined to die. Say go down there and that pit there, he said keep digging till you get to the bottom of the world. So here I dig. Ah, and you're hoping that he releases them from the little bit of lava? Oh yeah, must be lava up to the ankles by now.

Oh, well, unless they're particularly hardy. They're all sorts of things that live without feet. That's true, yeah. Lots of things that live without feet. That's true, hands. Lots of things that live within lava. We don't have any more of your family here to ransom or hold captive or bury under a non-insignificant amount of lava. So if you give us your name, we will not hold it against you.

All right, and you're going to keep this to yourself. You don't tell a soul about my name now Oh, sure, you know what? Yeah, we won't tell anyone. No one will know what your name is master dwarf We don't I mean unless people listen to podcasts, but I mean the numbers show that like especially for the type of thing that we're doing Apparently from what I heard it's it they fluctuate greatly. Yeah. You need to kind of be in front of a tabletop and have some sort of structure for this sort of thing to be very, very popular. You're a secretive safe.

Yeah, you're all right. And my opinion, you've got to pick a play and then watch every iteration of the play. That's a great reason. And then talk about it while the play is going on. Sure, sure, sure. Every installment of it, that you have to have some manner of commentary,

and then have people write you questions about it that you could answer. That they could easily form their own opinions on. Sure, sure. This is good advice. Hot-thousand manner of podcasts. Sir, Manser, go, I would say that. I've just dabbled a little bit my day,

but all right, I'm gonna use the sword. Sir, hey, this blade at your neck I won't say that, I've just dabbled a little bit my day, but... Alright, I'm gonna use the sword. Sir! Hey! This blade at your neck can go in two directions. I think it's a swi-hander. Across your throat, spilling your blood down this seemingly endless stare, or gonna back by my side. So which is it?

Between those, those are the two options there. Just tell us your name! It's just that. Yeah, this is a binary on this one. Your arms seem to be shaken, home that sore. Are you sure your muscles are capable of keeping it up that line? It's not my everyday sword. And I conjured this book, and it did confirm

that it's called as Y-Hander. Normally it's held with two hands. Quite a heavy blade. Yes, your name, dwarf! Your name! Scram Goggle Mena Fort. Oh, have you heard of me? Well, I mean, it's a very common name for a dwarf. Scram...

Grable... The gamein' forth? Not even... Scram Goggle Mena Fort. Scram... Double, gable fort. You know what? Yes. I feel exhausted from that.

Let's take a quick break. And then we can talk to Scram to snakepliscum. That was me, but now that's you. Nestle deep in the murky mountains, where the air is thick, with possibility. There's a little valley, big dreams, where cobblestone paths soaked in history. Lead to quiet coals to sacks, striking vistas, and sometimes, back upon themselves endlessly with no escape. Sure, you've heard its name. But do you really know?

Shrike? While many thought Shrike was down and out after the destruction of its dark Lord, the people of Shrike want you to know, they're still here, and they're not going anywhere, as long as the archers have something to say about. So come visit Shrike's bustling villages, and experience the down-home hospitality, the archers have something to say about. So come visit Trite's bustling villages and experience the down-home hospitality

of being grabbed off the street and rushed inside first hint of wolf bad wings in the air. Explore our shops and apothecaries, stocked with plunder from across the continent, enjoy the signature tangy-its of our local cuisine. Appreciate natural wonders, like a rolling hills with eyes. Whisper-filled groves,

and the largest blast in heat, this side of daguer day. With jibbering endorsements from the maddest of Haggard Crohn's, Tric is showing that we're here to stay. And if you love the nightlife, or just hate and fear the sun, Tric has you covered.

Head to Little Orgley, where once abandoned goblin warrants, now house a thriving community of orcs and the Orca Jason. You can enjoy a tasty meal of meat, while enjoying the local signature street performance, fighting to the death. Can't make it to Shrike yourself? No worries, because it just may be the strike is coming to you. If you're interested in living the strike life in your own town of it,

just wait until a dark and stormy night, then over a glass of rot-cut in the corner of some vetted watering hole, a obscure deputy mayor, ambitious sheriff, or local lords and competent second son, if perhaps things wouldn't be better with a change in leadership around here. Your alliance is now secured, bribe or blackmail a scrivener, to compose a message to Baron Ragnoune, Ragnoune Castle, Shrike Valley, wearing you profess an interest in butterfly husbandry, and await further instructions and steal

yourself for dirty work. So whether you're looking for a new darkness to obey or if you, like the orphan phantasmagoria wandering the valley, are just hungry for a taste of something new. Think Shrike. Shrike, the occluded gem of the Midlands. Scrum, if I could remark on the quality of this particular hole. Ooh, it is deep, it is dark, and you have dug through some pretty, gnarly material to get through this, because I'm looking, they're sediment, they're soil, then they're solid rock, and then also, the shingle birth, just to, you know, there's a lot of bone down here.

Oh yeah, dragon bone, dragon bone, rickerel bone, big old cat bones. Ah, you name a bone, I found it. It's amazing that you can get through Dragon bone, it's notoriously resilient. I mean, fantastic work. Scram? Well, I won't say no to a scram long fest. Say, what else do you like about me? Uh, well, I mean, your beard is nicely groomed, and I say that is someone who likes to think his beard is nicely groomed.

Oh, with your dog, with your dog, you don't read that to me. Oh, my beard! How can you actually see my beard is black in here? Oh, why? The reason it's a kiss. I poisoned him before we got down here. He's got sight beyond reason. Oh! It's brighter than anything down here for me. Yeah, if anything, he sees more than he's ever seen before.

I don't like it. You're not supposed to, I don't think. I'd like to give you a compliment if I were getting on this compliment train. Please! You're gauntlet's match your overalls. Do they? Yes! Yes, sorry, I have snake vision, so I'm able to see, as in darkness, as in light, I'm able to see as in darkness as in light I'm able to see so yes I should say they match each other quite fetchingly and it's a nice

son of a new if I can inquire to the manner of which you've been getting through this material because I'm looking around for tools oh no no we don't use tools where I come from look take a look at my fingers. Oh, wow, wow, wow. The biggest hands you've ever seen. Oh, yeah, big or hands. Probably the same kind of a dwarf with big hands. It means he can dig really deep into the air. I thought you were standing between two wagon wheels.

Good. No, no, no, just my hands there. I use them for scraping, see? Oh, that noise. The rock came out like it was whipped cream. Oh yeah. You've gone so, I mean, we must be down so deep. I mean, some of these bones must be from, have an age ago, like 20,000 years when Shrike

Valley was the nest of the great dragon shrine. That's a fun little Shrike Valley history fact for us. Add that to the brochure, I think. I know that you killed the marketing team that brought in earlier, but if you bring new people on, have them add that to the fun facts section. So yeah, I got a question for you. You all been up on the up top recently, yes?

The surface, yeah. Yeah, most of the time, yeah. Hey, you get any news from a man named Skragel-Won Thumpeldorf? Not. I haven't. I can't speak for the Baron, but I have not received news from that on that particular topic. I feel like I would remember that. I always check the return address on my letters. What was it? Scragger Wann Thumpeldork. You see, he used to be an assistant to me, you see.

He used to tell jokes all day long. He used to give me a phone like a really happy person. And one day he says, you know what? I'm gonna go up top and I'm gonna make it. And I'm gonna make other people laugh. And I said, you do it. And we had a nice little cry and he kissed me on the mouth. Strange this thing I haven't ever happened.

Anyway, I just want to see if he made it as an entertainer. As an entertainer, I don't know whether he made it. I'm not sure he made it at all. Anyone trying to leave the job site while the dark lord was on the job site, probably did not make it. Yeah, there was a lot of them that were untimely executed, that then I was then reggas erecting and then putting back to work in there on various job sites. So yeah, there was a lot of dead labor involved on the trip. Frank, do you remember any funny twarf zombies that you resurrected? Not mean offhand.

I'm not, there's none that are really coming up, right? But again, I was so busy with other things. I didn't spend a lot of time and it was like division of labor, like your management, but you're also resurrecting labor and you're putting them to work. So there wasn't a lot of fraternizing. I mean, we can check when we're back. How long till you break through, do you think?

Because if you're done, you can come up, but we're still gonna... Oh, I wouldn't dare come back up there with a dark load of them. Like you said, he'd come fry me good. I wish I just tell him. We should just... I mean, yeah, I mean, this is... They were the dark lord of them, like you said, he come fry me good. I wish you just tell him. We should just, I mean, yeah, I mean,

this is gonna all right now. No, no, no, no. I mean, we should find out where his family is. Oh yeah. You might be able to just get his family out without telling him the whole, without giving up the goose and the brain. Right, right, right, right, right, right, right.

We gotta watch our goose on this one. All right, did you, this might seem a silly question. Do you remember where the Dark Lord buried your family under a bunch of love? He said it specifically. Underneath the Pickel tree, that is where your family be. Then, if they're not be there still, then look between the Whippowill and the next best thing to Whippowill's

would be when the milk is spilled. Unless it come from cow of three, that is where your family be. They're lost. They're gone. They're gone. Yeah, that's it. I'm not figuring that out. They're gone. Yeah, that's it. I'm not figuring that out. They're gone. Yeah

There's no way and if you tried to ask me to repeat that back my nose would start shooting blood out of it Well, you wouldn't mean they go I mean we're not I'm not looking you lost me with her wills There was a pickle tree. I was like, okay. I might know where that is. There was a pickle tree There's a pickle tree where they built that rock climbing wall and scur and then it kept going We do not know what your family is, but we do have Okay, news that we can let you know. Yeah, I mean We shouldn't say that like we if you remember that rhyme you can well We can look into it, but I personally do not want to solve that riddle

Well the only thing that matters at the dark Lord knows where my family is, and once I break through to the underworld, he'll tell me where they are, and he'll set them free, and he said he'd unlaw of them the best of his abilities. Okay, I have a- okay, so an existential question. If I'd lost my family, would I kill myself down here? Oh, you bet! Ho-ho-ho! Great in a painful way that would inconvenience lots of people! If I've lost my family, would I kill myself down here? Oh, you bet! Oh, great. In a painful way, I would inconvenience lots of people. Sure.

All right. Well, follow up question. Are you someone who is better dealing with potential grief through familiar work or through a brand new task? Did you say familial work as in reconnecting with my family? I did you go better believe it. Okay, we can't just a quick conference again with my friend. We are a top.

There's something going on between the two of you. We love to conference with each other. I'm cool. We're a queer schemers. We're just, we're just love scheming. Planned in by nature, dast to assertly very evil all the time. Yeah, that's that dark lord. Yeah. Oh, yeah We got it um this guy with we're about to break someone. I know I know, but I I Canonically hate riddles. No, that's

It's a well-established thing about you. It's referenceable at other places. If you mention that, Rickle. I, his family is as good as gone. They're toast. They're absolutely toasters. Either they escaped on their own or they're dead, but we're not able to help among this. No, so we can either point this dwarf back to the surface so that they can try to find him on his own,

or we leave him to this toil, leaving him in literal, complete darkness, about a task that he was doing to preserve his family's life. It's just that a stairwell to the underworld would be such a good. It's pretty fucking badass. I'm not gonna lie. I just to have a stairway directly to the underworld absolutely kills it. Yeah. So here's what we'll do. Okay. Maybe? Oh, well? Here. Oh, you do it and I'll just agree with whatever you do. Ah, okay, no, I was really excited that I just started to say, here's what we'll do without really a plan. Oh, no, I thought it would come to me.

I thought maybe we'd do it together. Okay, yeah, and I was really hoping that you had a plan so that I could just agree with it. Let's ask this guy, let's get him in on this. Cool. Hey, Master Dwarf. Yeah. Help us out here. Scram.

Scram. By Scram. Ha ha. All right. I'm gonna tell you the truth here, and then I'm gonna put an asterisk on it. Ooh. Like a home run record.

Oh yeah. You know, I used to do a podcast comparing the big hitters. Can you give us, all right, so side to do a podcast compare the big hitters Can you give us all right? So sidebar. Yep, you two whisper. Oh, yeah, no conference Can we conference who you big three hitters? Well, well no one could be gunch Flumber unbelievable. Yeah, he played for the Timberland athletes Absolutely, and then there was oh timer, you know, but, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,

infant Deborah, uh, 15 feet tall of he was an inch used to take a whole tree out the ground. Wall up. And see people, people disregard the numbers that infant Deborah put up because of the error that infant Deborah played in. But what they have to understand is what defines a great hitter is that you could put them in any generation and they were, and who's going to stop a 15 foot infant Deborah from hitting? They people have been hitting balls with sticks for as long as people live it around. For as long as the stars have twinkled in the sky, if I have lost my family, I'd kill myself. All right. That was enough for three,

and if you didn't get three, it's on you. Here's what I know, and my magical expert friend here will back me up. Yeah. I have some exciting news for you. The Dark Lord is dead. Astorix! His spell still holds, so you must complete your bargain with him

to get your family who are certainly still alive if they were at the time of bargain. If there's one thing I know about the Dark Lord, is that even in death, he would still want those he was tormenting to suffer. So he would not spare your family with the gentle grace of death, but rather keep them in whatever magma-based limbo he was forcing them to live in while you completed your task. So if you could put your task, then from the bonds they will be freed. And then that's a happy ending for everybody. Yep. So...

You're telling me... I gotta keep digging this year whole, all the way down to the underworld. Get my family, have a magma pit by the three cows. Yeah, under the pickle tree. Whipper wills, again, that riddle as intricate as it was and how Obviously great went in one ear and write the fuck out the other. I I grabbed on to one branch of that riddle And it was about trees which I think are Whipper wills and I Birds are you fucking kidding me?

Birds, are you fucking kidding me? I fucking- I also thought they were trees. I thought you were playing to some sort. I, yeah, you know what, I picture- You're thinking of weeping willows. You're both thinking of weeping willows. That is, we would have been digging in the wrong spot for years. We've been running around every weeping willow

trying to find this guy's family. Oh, who am I kidding? Dead dead. What? No, dead dead. No, no, no. Dead dead dead dead What? No. Dead dead. You said that last.

No. I was expressing my own laziness at the thought of helping you. And I was expressing the fact that, yes, my own laziness, that I refused to engage in the effort that it would take to find your family. No. I've been digging this hole for 95 years over here. Oh my God. Oh, here.

At a rate of a gallon of lava per hour, they gotta be at least up to the next by now. I'm not a math guy, but I think they did. Nevertheless, I'm a month away from completing my journey. And if I'm gonna find my family anywhere, the only way to do it is to go down. It's in the underworld. Yeah. You gotta look in the underworld. You anywhere, the only way to do it is to go down. It's in the underworld! Yeah?

You gotta look in the underworld. You gotta, the first place you gotta look. Isn't... Pardon me, there's just a couple void screams coming out. It's kind of the only thing I can do to pass the time down here, eh? Oh, sure! Oh, you got void screams down here, yeah! Oh, yeah!

It's great way to get to the stress. Hey, I'm gonna give you this crystal. If you come across someone in the underworld who is not related to you, but who is a blue wizard who I hate, this crystal will begin screaming. And it will release a bright blue light. I just need you to hold it.

So I'll hear the scream and then I'll know where he is. And also, this isn't discouraging to find your family too. I'm just, I'm really looking for this guy so I can destroy his soul. And I'm gonna give you these pancakes, which I just can't finish. They're not finished. The fluffy, good pan.

What do you eat normally? Down here? Down here? What is happening? 95 years? Rock, dirt, my own. My mind. Go on.

No, I think we got it. No, I don't shit in this, of course. That's not a problem. We were in the neighborhood, I just wanted to meet you. We had to ride out. Oh yeah, I can't waste piss and shit down here. Nothing else than for company. The shit told me the funniest story.

Get this! It was a dog, see? A talking dog! And there's the one man he had company over. And the talking dog, and he said something around there that I can't remember. Keep in mind, this was a piece of shit telling me the story, right? I remember I remember writing on a car here.

Yeah, I think he's going somewhere. A piece of shit in the entertainment industry, that's the first commentary. We can't let this guy in the surface. He's going somewhere. A piece of shit in the entertainment industry. That's a first commentary. We can't let this guy in the surface. He's not ready. Did you just high five yourself there? Yeah, yeah. I'll do it again.

You have to congratulate yourself when you say something insensitive. Meanwhile, I've been holding my hand up for about 25 minutes, waiting for a high five. I'm so sorry. I thought it was a rock face. It's so big. I was surprised you've been able to ever put them down

I think it's damn hands ever seen in my life I'm gonna high five this part of your hand and hopefully it registers. I'll get this bit. Oh, yeah I felt that felt that real good. You have the opposite so I have soft hands because I've never worked in a day in my life And you have the most countless hands I have ever seen and sensory perceived in my entire existence. Well thank you you know who loved it my dead wife. Not no she's not dead you don't know that

she's dead she might be dead. You know what I myself will not find your wife but if you finish this stairwell the underworld and you do not find your family there come back up and I will assign some orcs or some brigands to help you look. What can we do to help you finish your job here? Scram. Oh, just leave me alone down here.

I'm good by myself. No help unless you can find someone that can say some funnier than this piece of shit that I got laying around here. I mean, yes, you do a question. Okay. Yeah, I'm down here Look for our family trying to find the only thing that brings me joy in this world Yeah, what about you two? Who's that special person in your life brings you joy? He's got an answer, I'm a husk. I live a pretty libertine existence where I would flip from pleasure to pleasure. And now I've dedicated myself to only revenge. That's what keeps the lights on in my shack, destroying us in permanent soul. Shanglebirth, you want to run him down the list of things you physically enjoy? Yeah, I mean you you caught me at a real interesting point in my life. I'll be honest. I

I've kind of had to reassess things Right now, but I I've tried to enjoy the little things like you know Watching your children scurry up and down the walls. Or you're just fucking kids. Did you ever meet these kids at all? The twins? The twins are something out of a fucking fairy tale. Okay.

But what fairy tales are based on? I'm answering the question. Sorry. I was editorializing. Yeah. And yeah, I mean, you know, it's easy to get stuck in your head and be like, Tronna, take over the world.

When there are perfectly good towns you can take over barely a week's right away. And, you know, it's just about enjoying the little things around you. That's what I'm Tronna telling myself. And yeah, yeah, it's hard. It's hard, you know, some moments you just want to get a giant novelty sword You got off of a small goliath and run yourself through but then then you're like no

No, not today just Drink yourself to sleep today and tomorrow is a brand new day I thought the air was dark down here. You okay this? Deep today and tomorrow is a brand new day. I thought the air was dark down here. You okay, Nessa? I'll be dead here, no. I'm one of the saddest things I've ever heard. And this guy's family's dead.

Or might be out of blue. I'm praying for them to be dead right now. I'm so freaking close to get bustin' through into the underworld. I assume he told me it was about 190 feet down. Wait, so your one month is just kind of a guesstimate? Yeah. It's a contractor.

I didn't even ever give you like a solid date that they were gonna be done. No, fair enough. Fair enough. All right, I'll high five that one. Yeah, high five. We've all had work done at the house and take it forever. My normal rate is one family per trip to the underworld.

So I figure if I take my sweet time about it, I can get a couple of other families out of the lab as well. How many family, hold on, how many family? You have a bunch of... Oh, a real piece of shit, I have many families across the land. Oh yeah. Well, God damn it, we were supervising with you. No, no, no, one time I was at the county fair there.

I see a big ol' wooly gig flat in the sky. One family was there. I was there with my other family. Boy, it was my face red. And boy, we're my hands plenched together. So, is this like a bigomy or a trigomy thing or are these like bastard children? Oh, bastard children. Oh, yeah, they bastards. All right, well, I get you there.

And you've been able to keep all these family secret from each other this entire time? Not even close. No, no, no, they're constantly running into each other. I am not a smart man. What geographically? Do they know that they're, or do they, are they like oblivious to each other?

How do you make sure, like, two of your teen children don't date? How do you do that? That's a great question. Well, I'll answer that question with another question. So what? Okay. All right.

A real piece of shit. You guys are absolute piece of shit. Wow, scram. This is quite the revelation. Geographically, how far apart are these families? Same town, same town. Constantly running into each other. Constantly.

The look of disappointment in every children's eye when they see me coming in the door. No one wants me around. So the baron drinks himself to sleep at night for his- how do you sleep at night? Scream into the void until I get tuck it down. Oh, sure. Follow sleep face down and uh, pile pile the most hilarious shit you ever heard. Alright, well I will say this. Whatever your family situation is, you clearly love them since you responded to a threat against their safety. So yeah, so that's all really all a man can do.

At the end of the day, love is all we really have. That charm, it's been able to let you spawn your way through what is clearly the West Virginia region of the Dwarflands. Alright, well we're gonna go, I tied a rope to the top of the hole that we came down and we're just gonna follow that rope back to the surface world. Mm-hmm. And let you get back to trying to free one of your many bastard families. Yeah, yeah, and I'll go ahead and say if there's anything we can do to help speed this process up. You know, go ahead, come up the stairs, find somebody, be it me or dripfang or at me or drip fang or children that kind of only move when you're not looking at them or some of our many servants with haunted looks in their eyes. Just tell someone you need a hand and we're rooting for, well I guess the whole.

We're rooting for the whole. Alright, well I'll let you know when I bust on through if I see my family and I have your crystal and your pancakes. I mean you don't need to, you can eat those pancakes, they're not magical pancakes. Oh. Yeah, they're just food. Alright, I want to eat pancakes when I got plenty of my own piss and shit all around me. Okay, let's go, let's go.

Alright, alright, alright, we're just like you. Nice to meet you. So long, best of luck. I'm waiting to watch Overboard. Ha ha ha ha. Hey, you're dripping. Yeah, let's get some ghost out of here. Yeah, that's a great idea.

There are parts of that I need to blast out of my brain with sound. Ghosts, play us out. I never went so fast from feeling sorry for a person and then finding them revolting. I'm sorry, I mean character, not person. Baron Shanglebirth Regune was played by Chris Rathchin. You can hear Chris on the fifth season of Pocket Guide to Hell Radio returning in April. Pocket Guide to Hell explores the intersection of art, politics, and culture as illuminated by Chicago's past. You can listen at lumpinradio.com, that's l-u-m-p-e-n radio.com, or Chicago and is contune in at 105.5 FM. and The jokes that he wrote in Season 13 of Mystery Science Theatre 3000. For Season 13 and all past seasons of MST3K, go to gizmoplex.com.

Scram Doggle, Mina Fort, or Scram Grable, Game and Fourth, or Scram Double Gabble Fourth, or just Scram was played by Eli Mandel. You can follow Eli on Instagram and Twitter at Eli Coyote. This episode was produced by Matt Young, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, special assistance by Ryan D. Georgie, Chris Raffchen, and Kevin Serretta. This episode was edited by Anna Hoverman, logo by Aller Lovon, theme by Andy Poland. None of this is real, blah, blah, blah. But don't sweat it, unless you're sweating from the summer heat. You can continue all this crazy summer fun by heading over to the Magic Tavern Patreon page at patreon.com slash Magic Tavern to become a patron and support our independent production. For only $5 per month, you get tons of benefits

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