Hello From The Magic Tavern - Patreon Unlock: Offices & Bosses: Season 4, Ep 1 - The First Day of High School

Episode Date: July 1, 2024

Enjoy this unlocked bonus episode from our Patreon! Chunt is the Game Master for Offices and Bosses: Roll Call. Three freshmen played by Arnie, Usidore, and Momo work together to rule the school!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on X, Instagram and YouTube!CreditsChunt, Game Master: Adal RifaiArnie, aka Lhu: Arnie NiekampUsidore, Lloyd Master-Chief: Matt YoungMomo the Mouse, aka Stoney Rivers: Erin KeifMetamore: Bill ArnettCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Matt YoungAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Red KeenerSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiO&B Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

She was a romance mystery writer. They glommed on the fact that she writes stories like this. There are murders in all of the books. From Wondery, the makers of Ghost Story and Feta, this is a story about a murder that rocked my little community. Binge all episodes of Happily Never After ad free right now on Wondery+. The world of junior tennis is organized chaos. From executive producers LeBron James, Maverick Carter, and Sloan Stevens. These kids are four of the top junior players in the world. You have to keep pushing yourself to the limit.

Let's go. This Summer, Amazon presents Uninterrupted's Top Class Tennis. Premiering on Freebie and Prime Video July 18th. Hey, hey, hey, are you ready for summer fun like losing fingers to illegal fireworks? Don't go crazy and blow off your limbs, cuz your old pal Bootleg Craig is here for a different kind of mischief. The stealing something from behind the paywall kind of mischief. You got it daddy-o. It's another bonus episode getting fired like a roman candle right into the main feed, courtesy

of Bootleg Craig's pirate Patreon radio. You know the scores, cats and kiddies. You can go to Patreon.com slash Magic Tavern to become a patron to get all the bonus episodes, plus ad-free versions of the main show and support this independently produced podcast. But enough of the soft sell. Coming right up, it's all time fave, offices and bosses. Get ready to enjoy the first episode of season 4 from earlier this year. But before that, let's check in with Craig and PV3.

Wait, that's me. Yeah, I don't trust it either. Maybe we should try poking it? Oh, looks like it's time for today's transmission. Sorry for the delay, folks. After our stint as planet-eating gods, PV3 and I landed in this tranquil meadow. Only this time, the glowing purple orb that zaps us to the next dimension is just sitting here right in front of us. I know, PV3. It usually takes us the entire arc just to get near it. Can't be this easy, right? There's not even a velvet rope around it.

Oh, what? Okay, you go find a poking stick and I'll intro the episode. Looks like it's the first entry in Season 4 of Offices and Bosses. This time around, Chunt is running a game set in high school, answering the age-old question, what do very, very old people think teenagers act like? You folks find out while we figure out what to do with this orb. Enjoy! Fear not, marketing manager, IT professional, sales rep, and temp.

I am office manager, your guide in the realm of offices and bosses! Youssef, I haven't seen you this excited in a long time. I haven't seen you this excited in a long time. Oh, well, I must admit it's been a long time since we've played offices and bosses. And in this campaign, why none other than our dear French Hunter's decided to run the game for us. Can you believe it? Wait, is that...wait, hold on. That's today?

Yes, it's today. Aren't you prepared? He gave us a whole list of things to prepare. Yeah, can I borrow? I have, I just need to add some notes. Can I borrow your quill? Yes, let me remove my hat and reach deep down into my hat and pull out this rabbit. It's Momo. Uh, Oh, sorry Momo.

It's okay. No, that's okay. Hey Momo. Hi, you ready to play? Yeah, I'm ready. Well, do you have a quill I could borrow? I know there's a quill in here. Do I I am ready? I've been preparing all week Probably like you have I don't like letting chunk down What has to be one person I have a piece of chalk. Will that work? I guess so. Stretching, stretching, stretching.

It's been a while since Momo played. I forget how physical this is. Oh Momo, I prepare to be transported to another world. It shall be so delightful we shall be required to go into offices and file paperwork and and oh and fax things so I can't wait nervous oh I'm so sorry Arnie use it or miss rabbit I'm so sorry I'm late I have been up huh I do Huh? The heck? That's Momo.

Do I have a rabbit vibe today? There's something about your ears. Are your ears longer than usual? Oh my god, they're a little stretched out. They're a little stretched out. I'm feeling it. I think for me it's the supreme confidence you have leaning up against something with your legs crossed while you crunch into a carrot?

What do you mean? NANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANAN do you mean? Is that the noise that he makes? I have been up for the last week trying to perfect my offices and boss's campaign. Do you remember maybe like seven years ago with Metamore we did an expansion called classrooms and teachers? Yeah. Uh huh. I think so. Well, I've been working on an updated version. I just wanted to raise the stakes a little bit, really make sure we're getting into our roles.

So not only are we doing an expanded version of classrooms and teachers, but I had Claudia the Witch curse this spinoff so that if you die in the game, you die in real life. So are we all ready to play? Hold on. Stakes and rolls, you die in real life. So are we all ready to play? Hold on. Ha ha ha ha. Steaks and rolls, I'm hungry as hell.

I'm nervous laughing. What did you say? With your mouth? I'm so hungry, steaks and rolls? He keeps talking about these things and now I can't stop thinking about dinner. Oh, maybe I should change the campaign to steaks and rolls. That's a pretty good spin off too.

Oh, are we all gonna play food? I'm kinda of into that Look if this campaign goes well Maybe we'll add on and maybe we'll set aside some time to do another campaign where we're all articles of food You know articles of food is that how you say it if it goes well, or if it goes medium well Okay, is everybody ready have a seat have a seat gather round okay here we go we start we were to chungo no I'm behind this I'm sorry I'm shorter than I remember oh yeah okay the rumors about Arnie not having object permanence

are true they're true you said or people keep saying it behind his back, but it's true. I started that rumor. Well, I guess Chon's gone forever. Momo, pretend to throw your keys, but just keep them in your hand and see what happens. Oh, there goes my keys. What? See?

Ysador. Now jingle them at him. Oh, doobie doobie doobie doobie. A doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie. All right, Chon, let's do this. I'm ready. Okay. Shape shift's a little bit bigger so Arnie can see the top of my ears.

We start where any good story begins. Is there a rabbit back there? Oh, brother. We start where any good story begins, Ohio. Specifically, middle Ohio, and more specifically Middle Ohio Teenager High School. Oh, exotic. Where the three of you will be entering as freshmen. Arnie, you know how we spent some time in Ohio in the 1980s?

Well, I snuck out and I was a sub to tits teacher for a while. A sub to tits? A year and a bit. A sub to tits? A sub to tits teacher what am I saying no sub to tits yeah I was a sub to tits teacher for a little while I learned the lay of the land so I'm very excited to set this in Middle Ohio okay so you're into sub to tits yeah it's kind of like soup to nuts

aren't we all what are we even talking about, gentlemen? Mom, will you put us up between your tits? Yeah! What are we even talking about? Arnie, Ysidor, Momo, it is that most magic of days. If I could bottle this feeling up and sell it as a candle, I would. Guys, it's the first day of school. Wonderful. Oh, and here we are in middle Ohio. Me smoking my pipe, getting ready to do some fireworks

for a birthday party. Ooh, that sounds like fun. I should explain it's called Middle Ohio Teenager High School because everyone here at this high school is in agreement that they're playing a teenager, even though they're a little bit older. Arnie, I'm using what you said are grease rules.

Everyone here is like 37 mm-hmm But we're all committed to the illusion. I don't want any fucking weirdness 37 try ten times that age Okay, we start our journey in the pulsating hordes of the parking lot at Middle Ohio teenager high school thousands of kids are running hither and tither as you three make your way to the front entrance of the school You don't know each other yet You but you notice a giant marble slab sign that says middle, Ohio teenager high school go screaming moths and Underneath that is the school motto. You can't hold a candle to us

You notice that moths is an acronym for Middle Ohio Teenager High School. And your eyes wander down the sign until you are struck by the image of the Moths mascot, which is a nightmarish moth beast with its mouth open wide and erectus scream. Ooh, yeah, kind of fun. Moth mouth. Yeah, oh, do I have moth mouth?

You look great. Thank you. I ate a sweater earlier. I just was worried. This imagery is seemingly plastered on every door, the screaming moth. It's on every door, every car bumper, t-shirt, jacket and hat that you pass. As you finally get through the giant main doors of the school, you see endless rows of lockers being opened and slammed shut by a grotesque gaggle of clumsy hormonal freaks. These are teenagers. Tell us how you really feel. The three of you find yourselves all standing agog in the main corridor and you kind of notice each other and I'll give the three of you a chance to talk to meet each other.

Hey, if any of you guys want to come over to my parents house this weekend or having a radical party and you know, just go over to my parents house, just go up to the mailbox that says Master Chief. I'm Lloyd Master Chief. And you know, everyone comes over there. Shannon, Shane, Shania, everyone's going to be there. And Lloyd, would you mind just describing Lloyd Master Chief to us? Oh, of course. Lloyd is, of course, wearing his three polo shirts, all one on top of the other.

He's wearing four button-up sweaters. One he's wearing the way one normally wears a sweater. One is tied around his waist. One is tied around his neck and hanging over his shoulders. And the other is in a crook of his finger, hanging over another shoulder. I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna predict now that that's gonna become a problem for you. You think?

Yeah, you're gonna get stuck on things. Or a solution. Well, to make up for it. Or a solution, very good Momo, yes, make every weakness into a strength. And of course, I'm wearing a parachute pants. So I have a way to get out of here if I need to. Ooh, smart. And as you continue to mingle,

Momo, why don't you introduce your character? What's up, fellas? I'm Stony Rivers. I don't know if you remember me from middle school. Probably not. If you all need weed or anything, I'm sorry to your guy for that. Sounds like your party has all the sound people.

Sounds like you're gonna need a lot of weed. I'm your guy. You should come over to our party, that'll be great. And Stony Rivers has an unruly mop of curly hair, a bright tie-dye t-shirt, baggy pants and a perpetual cloud of sweet smelling smoke trailing him. He carries around a skateboard with

a little on the little hook of his finger over his shoulder. But no one's ever seen him ride it. And his dad is a state senator and his mom's on the PTA and he's on a quest to get high and break some rules. I should also clarify, even though Lloyd said you should come to the party, he's very nervous about having weed at the party. I gotta chime in just as the sort of, you know, DM here. I gotta chime in to say, Lloyd, you have parachute pants.

Stoney, you have baggy pants. I think the biggest boss in this game is gonna be a huge gust of wind. I think that's what we gotta look out for, so prepare yourselves for that. Momo, have you considered just always using that voice? What voice? The Stoney River's voice. Have you considered just making that your

voice? Is it better? I mean, it's something. There's something to it. How dare you, Arnie. What a rude thing to say. Would you have me always speak in some other voice other than the one you've come to know and love? Yes. How dare you none of the ones none of the ones yet? We haven't found yours yet. Okay. Well, I'm working on it. So Maybe maybe Lloyd Master Chief will be the one Mm-hmm, Arnie to be completely honest with you. I've already forgotten the voice that I did I think it'll change a little bit every time I do it. It was so good Why don't we finish this game and then we'll check in and see if we want Momo to be a stoner rabbit for the right? Well, and I would and I will and I should and I probably am going to

And as you continue to compare extra Material pants in the hallway Arnie, why don't you introduce yourself? Okay, let me shuffle my scrolls here. I just wanted to make one caveat before I introduce my character, and I'm sorry if this is, adds too much of a burden to the game, but as I've said many times,

I don't really like the game offices and bosses. I come from a world where being in an office and being in school is actually quite boring and uninteresting to me. In my world, we try to escape into other types of role-playing games. So I'm gonna play as a character from the very popular role-playing game on Earth,

Call of Cthulhu. What? Call of the Who? And just to spice it up for me, my name is Lou. I'm like a teenage version of an eldritch horror, an elder god. I have sort of a squid face.

That's so boring. There's like three people in the bar that look like that right now. Oh shit, you're right, there are so many squid faces in the bar right now. Ani, we could call a Cthulhu anytime between these games. Anytime you wanna call a Cthulhu, just ask me and we'll call one up.

Yeah, buddy, you wanna call a Cthulhu? Look, I don't wanna call a, look, if I get into a spot where I don't know an answer, I might use one of my call a Cthulhus, but for now, I'm sort of a teenage Cthulhu named Lou. Oh, I'm a little bit of a nerd. You know, I wear a hoodie that's pulled up over my head. I wear I wear a hat.

I wear very big glasses that I don't need. But I'm sort of trying to disguise my face, mostly because when people see it, their sanity is is shaken if not entirely shattered You know that you know one of those one of those kids. Yeah, I gotta say anytime I'm underwater what makes me not recognize a squid or octopus is when they're wearing big old glasses Yeah, that helps that helps. Hey, sorry Chunt I I know you're running this game, but Ani's making up rules where he gets to call a Cthulhu Is it okay if he also gets a 50-50 and to bone a friend?

He gets a 50-50 he gets a bone a friend What happens if I bone a friend? Wait, this is a trap. Can I ask the audience and I'm just going to gesture to the bar? Chunt if it's okay with you, we probably do most of those things, right? Yeah, you can phone a fiend really anything you want great. Yeah, pretty loose rules around here consider these rules like a pair of pants About to be blown away Also, because I don't have what people would consider like a human body I'm wearing very big very loose pants yeah okay

Dungeon all right and now the thing I want more than anything mmm is to be popular Arnie buddy you're popular mm-? No, I meant my character. I know. Oh, right. Yeah, me too, me too, me too. Me too. I'm kind of the charismatic figure at the middle of this podcast. I sort of draw you all together.

But but in this game, I'm not like a weak, unpopular guy. OK, we're all just staring at you blinking. And yes, I'm aware I'm saying that out loud. Uh, Lou, uh, hey, uh, are you interested in coming to my party? You know, I, I, I, you know, I'm, I'm one of the popular kids, but I'm kind of the least popular popular kid, and I'd really love to get someone lower on the totem than me, if you know what I mean. Oh, I'm sure you're not talking to me.

No one talks to me because I- I literally said your name. What? My name? Oh, that's right. Lou. Or you could call me Louie. Uh, hey Louie, am I so high right now or do you have a face that belongs under the sea? You can't be talking to me. Momo, we do need you to roll to see how high you are. Oh yeah.

Just take a D20 there. And unfortunately, Momo rolled a natural 20 right out of the gate. Sort of the worst possible time to do that. So Momo, you, in your head, you're still at home or you're dead. You don't know which, but you're definitely not at school. So there are no consequences.

You're just floating through this day, even though you are literally here. It's probably good. Walking in space, I feel the purpose of peace. It's from hair. Momo is high. No, that's from your brain, Momo. Thoughts are from your brain.

Yeah, thoughts come from your brain, not your hair. Yeah, not from your hair. I'm going method, Momo, me are from your brain. Yeah, thoughts come from your brain, not your hair. Yeah, not from your hair. I'm going method, Momo me getting high so I can play Stony Rivers better. Oh, Arnie, use the door, Arnie, use the door. Yeah. Meet me behind this cardboard screen. Okay.

Do you think Momo might? It's nice back here, by the way. Isn't it? I have a chandelier. I have so much candy. There's so much candy back here. Where did they go? Did they all leave at the same time? I'll just keep waving. Oh Do you think Momo met H a R E? Oh

With those ears the mom does look like a hair. I think she's trying to turn into a rabbit Let's get back out there not ask directly but fine. It subtly need to find out if she's trying to become a rabbit Okay, okay It's a good thing. I can barely read I didn't see any of the secret information behind that Well speaking of reading as the three of you Lloyd Master Chief Lou or Louie and Stoney Rivers hang out in the hallway You notice that there's a freshman orientation table Near the main entrance there was some pamphlets laying on there. So you all three grab one and what you find out is that at this school it's almost like a,

this is a word I learned in Ohio Arnie, it's almost like a Montessori school. So the classes here you can kind of pop in and pop out at your leisure. You can kind of get a feel for stuff before you choose what you want to take. And what the three of you are going to do today is you are going to try and become popular. Okay, so I have a list of classes here. I'm going to let you choose which classes you go into. And as a group, the three of you must achieve three positive class experiences. Cool? Thus successfully fitting into the school. Or the game will end if you three reach three negative class experiences, at which point you will all run out of the building and

return to your parents begging to be homeschooled. Does that make sense? Yeah. Sounds good. Yeah, alright. So I'm gonna read off the list of classes that you can choose as a group to go into to try and test your metal, test your intellectual metal. I'm sorry, I do have one quick question. Yeah. Are we trying to get three collectively good experiences? Yes.

Okay. Absolutely. Uh-oh. And here's what I'll say once. So we're only responsible for one good thing each, kind of. Well, you can combine resources because I feel like I'm not good to say who I feel like, you know Some people carry Okay looks around the room not me not making a good And Arnie I should say when you pop into a classroom you have to stay until you either pass or fail

So you can't kind of pop your head and see what the challenge is and then leave I should say, when you pop into a classroom, you have to stay until you either pass or fail. So you can't kind of pop your head in, see what the challenge is, and then leave. Yeah, so in addition to your freshman year goal, which is what I just said, your goal overall this entire campaign is to quote unquote, rule the school. And how else do you do that than by becoming popular?

So to help you all gauge how you're doing, I'll be giving out XP points during the game. Obviously XP standing for extremely popular and you all will level up after every hundred points. So keep track of your own popularity points and give a little scream or yell if you happen to level up. Scream. That sounds good to me. A scream. That sounds good to me. You notice on the freshman orientation table there is a sort of a swag bag.

So the three of you start kind of tearing through it already feeling comfortable with each other. And you find a few items in here that might help you over this campaign. So in this backpack of holding or tote bag as you see here, what you'll find is item number one, an eraser. With this eraser, you can erase or take back one thing you say or do during the campaign. It can only be used one time. You also find a 12 inch ruler. You can consult with this short king if you need any help or advice along the way. Again, a one time use item. You also have a trap and keeper. This is like a folder that traps someone inside of it comfortably for up to 24 hours. One-time use

item. And finally, Arnie you'll love this one. Finally is a number two pencil. If you can convince someone to take the pencil from you, they will immediately shit themselves. That is also a one-time use pencil. Hey Chunt, these are a lot of fun. I like these a lot. Chunt, would you say of all the words in the English language, Trap and Keeper are the two that you find most evocative? Um, hmm. I'd have to think about it, but it's up there. It's top two for sure, if not one. Any questions about the items that you found? No, I'm all set.

I would like to go to chemistry class. Is there a chemistry class on the schedule that I can see? Yes sir, there is, but let me give you the full list of classes. That way you can choose just so. Wonderful. Yeah, just so you're not mad that you missed out on something what was that bubba? nothing. he clearly guys he clearly didn't come up with chemistry class

so let me go through these pretty quickly we have home economics shop class basic algebra even basicer algebra math for dumb magic geography, geography, biology, speech and debate, chemistry, music, art, history, improv, sex education, English, P.E., drive or ed, lunch, podcasting, secret party in the locker room, random school assembly, and rapping and riddles. Oh no. Okay, these all sound fun.

I can think of a couple right near the end that would kill me. Momo, did you say wrapping and riddles? No, I did not. Let's see. I'm tempted to do magic. Why don't you choose something basic first? So just like a run-of-the-mill class, you know what Momo's saying? Like history or English or one of the like basic ones.

I don't want to get too complicated right out of the gate. I don't know what you two are thinking, but basic algebra sounds pretty easy. I don't know about that. Well but then even more basic, basic-er algebra sounds easier. And then there's math for dumb. Letters are numbers, and Momo hates when letters are numbers. Yeah.

Look, if we had to do a math one, I would prefer to do math for dumb. Let's do math for dumb. I worry that that's gonna be too advanced. Fine, we'll do improv. No, no! No, no. Usidore, no, please, no, Usidore, please. No, well, do improv. No, no! No, no.

Usidore, no, please! No, Usidore, please! No. Well, I just want to know, I'm looking at this pamphlet for a second. Can I like, I just, can I roll perception or something on this pamphlet? Absolutely. I just want to make sure we don't accidentally get tricked into going into the wrong class. This is very important.

Yeah, Arnie, go ahead and roll for perception. Okay, I Rolled a 30 Huh, okay, can I see your die real quick? Yeah. Oh, I should have said in in Call of Cthulhu you use a hundred sided die Oh, so that's that's a lower score. That is like a three. That is a lower one. Yeah But I guess we're playing with the 20 max so i'll give it to you arnie Um, you examine the pamphlet and you sort of notice there are two creases um sort of uh down the middle and as you

Kind of hold a page then I see as you sort of fold along the creases you find that um, the classes smart That i'm observing the basic properties of a pamphlet. You'll do so good in math for them. This is not just one picture. As you fold along the edges, you realize you can turn the pages.

There's two sides to the pages. There's nothing written on them, but you do notice them. I see. And you feel pretty, you know, Louis feeling pretty good about that. Alright, I'll go to the secret party in the locker room. Okay, and the three of you do have to agree. We have to all agree? Yeah, so the three of you are either going to pass or fail.

Again, you have to sort of get through freshman year and fit in. Or if you hit three negative experiences first, you're probably going to go home and be homeschooled. I think there's some very easy wins on here. Shop class, we're probably just going to be shopping. Drive or Ed, you know, it's either... That's just a choice. We're going to choose a choice. You're either going to drive or meet a guy named Ed probably. We're going to choose a choice. You're either going to drive or meet a guy named Ed, probably podcasting. Any idiot can do that. And they do. Yes.

And let's have let's do this. Lloyd will pick first and then Stoney and then River. We each get to pick a class. So that sounds that sounds like a good idea. You should know where you're up. Oh, OK. Well, thank God I didn't factor in choice paralysis to this campaign. Ha ha ha. Well, let's see, like magic's tempting.

I'm gonna have to do, I guess, geez, a sex education. Oh, like you're pretending to, well, what is it gonna be, I guess? Yeah, you were squinting your eyes like you were thinking really hard about it. It's an easy win for us. I'm not gonna learn anything here. If you guys think I'm gonna learn something, I'm not. Usador, it sounds like you're really hoping to learn something. But I won't because I already know all the sex things.

No, no, by the way, we don't think wizards really understand what sex is. I'm not surprised. By the way, we don't think wizards really understand what sex is So Lou Having just really nailed how pamphlets work You're feeling really confident you look over at the table and you do notice that there are maps to the school to the layout You pick one of those up and you pop it in front of you and you you make your way the three of you to the sex up and you pop it in front of you and you make your way, the three of you, to the sex education classroom. As you enter the classroom, and again, all are welcome at any time, there's no awkwardness, no one's going to call you out, you do notice that the teacher is a cheetah

who plays the saxophone and has sunglasses. He welcomes you to the class. Hey, come on in. Hey, guys. Hey, how's it going? Uh, uh, my name is, uh, my name is, uh, Casserole, uh, the cheetah. Come on in and have a seat, uh... Nice to meet you, Mr. Casserole. No, please, it's just Casserole. Hmm. I'm a cheetah. We don't go by Mr. or Mrs. You wanna come to a party this weekend at my parents' house?

I was already invited to one, my dude. Okay. I don't know if it's yours, I'll be there. Oh great. Hey listen, can I ask y'all a favor to help me in class here? Sure. So here in sex education we play saxophone solo. We do things a little bit differently. Sorry for the five minutes in between my words there. That was a long saxophone solo. What I need the three of you to do is, you know, normalize sex. I feel like there's such a stigma, there's such embarrassment around saying certain things.

So my challenge to the three of you is to use sexual words in a sentence without smiling or laughing. I'll provide the words. Great, okay, I think we can do this probably, right? Yeah, and then it's gonna make us look cool in front of our classmates, I assume? Hey guys, I don't have all the same parts as normal humans do, so I may not really know

what all these things are Do you think this is I'm gonna get embarrassed in front of everybody use deductive reasoning Louis all bodies are beautiful here take an iPhone Have I told you guys about my wife Sarah Sarah Getty Yeah, you're your new teacher to us, man. We've never met you before today. Thank you. Hey, you little stoner guy. Here's the word you have to use in a sentence without laughing or smiling.

Vulva. Yeah, totally. I can do that. No problem. Okay, go ahead. Gets out hacky stack, starts kicking it around while I think. Vovva. Here's my sentence. Vovva is a very funny word but it's also a part of a vagina. The outside. You made me laugh. Okay you're one for three. Pretty good, pretty good.

Uh, salmon roll or whatever your name was? Uh, casserole man? Casserole, sorry. I'm so sorry. Are we allowed to laugh at each other's things? I prefer you don't, but to be fair I didn't say that up top so it's all good. Okay. It's all gravy. And gravy goes on casseroles. Some. When I signed up for sex education class I didn't say that up top so it's all good. Okay. It's all gravy. And gravy goes on casseroles. Some. Green beans. When I signed up for sex education class I didn't know that my first question was going to be is it okay to laugh at each other's things.

Hey, since I got you on the horn why don't you go next? Okay. Uh, glasses? Uh, please call me Louie. Oh, Louie. Um, okay. Your words to use in a sentence without laughing or smiling is clip biscuit.

Hmm. Okay. Yeah, I know what that is. Hey man, I didn't ask if you know what it was. So, hey dude. Why is this clip biscuit making my car go so slow? All right, pretty good technically works and I gotta say you have the most unreadable face of anyone I've ever seen sir you don't want to see my face no I saw some of it felt like a tentacle was

curling but I couldn't tell what that was. That's my face. Okay, and you, sweater man. Yeah. You wanna bring us home? Your group is two for three. Okay, would you like an iPhone? Yeah, I'll take one. Yeah, there you go. Thank you so much.

Stoney, did you get one? No, what. Chunt? Sorry to time out the game. Were there iPhones in the 80s? Yes, right? Um, they had iPhones but nobody used them. They weren't popular. Great. As we were. Okay, Sweater Man. So you're up next.

Your group is two for three. You ready for your words? Uh, yeah. I'll do my best. Okay, this is gonna be the toughest one. You don't have to make up a sentence, you just repeat after me without laughing or smiling. You got it. My niece queefed a little queef. My niece queefed a little queef. Damn, you all are mature.

Three for three, you pass. We're laughing on the inside, sir. That was harder than it seems, sir. I was really trying to keep it together there. It probably helps that we can internalize what it's like to have a niece. Yeah, that's true. Also, did we learn about sex? I don't know. You tell me.

Wow. And you guys look down in your hands and you have condoms already already sort of rolled over bananas. Oh, wow. Cool. Where do I put this? And Momo, I'm so sorry, you do have to roll. I need you to roll to see if you eat the banana

because you are so stoned. This is just like sex. Bananas? Makes sense to me. John, John, by the way, kind of not cool. I hope this doesn't remind Momo of her ex. Oh no. Wait.

Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. This is ringing a bell. The cheetah takes off his glasses and he throws away his saxophone. And he goes up to the chalkboard and he erases the S at the beginning of the class. And you realize he tricked you. You're in X education. Wow. What does that mean?

What did we realize? Nothing. This is all in Momo's head. She's high. Oh no. So yeah, you take, um, uh, Stoney rivers takes a big chunk, big bite out of the banana wrapped in a condom. Uh, you chew it for a little bit. You realize this isn't working out. You spit it out and the three of you make your way back Into the high school hallways with one positive experience under your belt. Oh, well, that was my choice Hey, what do you guys want to go? What class do you want to go to Stoney or?

Stoney decides is it alright if I roll for high five as a way of trying to bond the three of us? Absolutely. Do we all have to roll for that? Yes. To give and to receive high fives, you have to roll. I got a 12. I got a 4. I swear I'm telling the truth. I got a 69. I swear I'm telling the truth.

I got a 69. So yeah, so Lou, you kind of linger. Everybody else goes out in the hall. Lou, you kind of linger and then you sneak back in to talk to that cheat a little bit more. The cheetah pulls down some diagrams. He draws the S back in front of X. Oh, he actually never erased it. That was all in the memo's head.

So he's really giving you a rundown about how 69 works. You think you kind of understand it. And when the cheetah ask you, when Casserole asks you to kind of explain it back to him, to make sure you retain the information, you explain to Casserole how a pamphlet works and he kind of pinches his forehead and says, all right. And then you go kind of I mean, there are worse metaphors for it, I guess. Yeah. You make you go back into the hall and Lloyd is waiting with elbow bent for a perfect running high five

that the two of you collide on. Unfortunately, Stoney, you try maybe like two minutes later to high five and the time has passed. Not in my head, Not in my head. Well, Stoney is keeping his hand up for a high five because I'm thinking about what's like social that we can

do. Let's go to lunch. Oh, I could eat. We could be popular at lunch. Oh, yeah. Great choice. I'll hand out some more of these iPhones and Arnie. Sorry. In offices and bosses, you shouldn't make assumptions. Can you roll to see if you could eat?

Oh, especially considering the especially considering the inhuman quality of my face. Ten. Oh, only got a ten. OK, so you've you've seen it done before. base. Ten. Oh, only got a ten. Okay. So you've, you've seen it done before. Already. You know, Lou, Lou has seen people eat before. I think he has a good grasp on like food goes inside your body somehow and eventually exits somehow.

You kind of don't know how it works. Yeah. So you have a you have what you think is a good grasp on it, but you're not quite sure if you could actually eat it. Yeah, oh boy, this is gonna be a real disadvantage in this next class. Yeah, yeah. The three of you head to,

you start heading to the cafeteria. As you do, you accidentally bump into two quite large students, very jockish looking boys. These are Billy Yum Yum 2x2 and Bobby Yum Yum 2x2. These are the 2x twins. And the 2x twins kind of look at River and they kind of look at each other and they look at River and they look at each other

and they look at River and a huge smile simultaneously spreads across their face from left to right. Um, oh my- oh holy shit! Are you- are you River? Stony Rivers. Stony Rivers. Oh, I'm sorry. Stony- you're a legend!

We heard that you ate a banana in a condom? It's tearing me up from the inside out, fellas.. Here take a hacky sack. They're full of weed Wow, thank you so much. Yeah, thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you so much We're the two by twins with two by twins Oh pleasure to make your acquaintance What's up fellas? Stoney you get 75 popularity points, 75 XP. So go ahead and make note of that. Whoa. What?

Ha ha ha. OK, Momo is rich. Wait, did I not get anything for talking to a teacher about 69 on the first day of freshman year? That's just a ducked point. Am I crazy? That's like negative 1,000, right? You're absolutely right, Momo.

Guys, am I insane? Eating a condom is cool. I mean, it's pretty impressive. Yeah. I mean, no. Asking about 69ing is not cool. Yeah, come on. What do we do? So the two-by-twins kind of make their way down. They're super impressed. They're trying to figure out Hacky Sack. You three make your way into the cafeteria

where you see that lunch is already in a pretty full swing. As you enter and sit down at a selected table, can the three of you dig into your backpacks and let me know two items that you have each brought for lunch? I have a six pack of lime La Croix. pack of lime La Croix. Okay. And a ham hock. Okay. I have two joints and an iridescent slinky that's really fun to play with while you're high.

Perfect. I have a rock that's sort of in the shape of a sandwich and a clit biscuit. Sort of in the shape of a sandwich and a clit biscuit. Arnie 10 popularity points. Oh, no. For stealing from a cheetah. He's still at negative a million from that 69 thing. Can you imagine first day of freshman year going up to a teacher

and asking them what 69 is? Be so for real, Chunt. That way you would have to move. Your whole family would have to move, Chunt. I thought we were friends. It's stupid too because 69ing is so self-evident. Everyone knows what it is just from the numbers. It's not self-evident. I feel like it's pretty giving. Yusador, what is it? It's the one where the... He's pretending to notice something outside. Ysidor what is it? It's the one where the... He's pretending to notice something outside. Ysidor what are you

doing? Oh there's a bird I love him. Oh nice. I mean I have to assume if you ask a teacher on the first day of school what 69 is the teachers got to be scanning the room being like who put you up to this? The round parts come together and the skinny parts. I like the numbers. That's basically it. It actually does check out. Okay, so you're in the lunch room. You each brought out your items.

They're in front of you on the table. And what you notice is that all these other kids, all these other teenagers that were sitting in the lunch room, what looked like eating, they actually all stand up and turn around and look at you. And they weren't actually eating, they were sort of combining different food items into weapons. The three of you have actually walked full on into a food fight. Roll for initiative. initiative I rolled up I botched a botch chant give me new dice huh it's a 12 almost I says botched on it or this is Bosch Bosch promotion I'm diced subscribe to Amazon for more Bosch what the fuck is this where did did you get this? I don't know. I got a 23. Now, why are we

letting Ani have such big numbers? Yeah. I got a 12. It's my dice. Argue with my die. Don't mind if I do. I'm gonna go over and give that dice a piece of my mind. Oh, you Ha! Hi-yah! Small bite! Ah! Ah-hah-hah-hah-hah! Oh, you kicked my die into an 88. Ha! Ha! Is that how you feel? Phew, I'm tired. We all know what an 88 is.

Right, Ysador? Oh yeah, that's where all the round parts match up. Lucky guess. It's where two people who love each other very much fold their arms and lay next to each other in bed. We've all been there. Um, Hesidor, I'm letting Arnie have this because he's so tall. I've noticed that. Right? Am I crazy? He's tall and getting taller? Chunt, you're not crazy. Yeah. Arnie is very tall. And he may be getting taller.

Let's start measuring him at least once a day. Once a day, that's what I'm saying. Maybe have him, you know, put his back up against the tavern wall and make a little notch above his head. Well, that's fun. That's cute. And that way, when we ever go to tear down the bar, we'll be like, Ugh, I can't do it.

Yeah, but it's kind of- Too sad. All the memories! All these memories. go to tear down the bar we'll be like I can't do it yeah okay too sad all the memories all these memories are beautiful boy my boy I love my boy slap slap step out of it fellas we're playing a game okay okay rabbit knock some sense to me you sir What did you roll for initiative 12? 12 and Momo you said you botched. I don't know. I got one you got a one. Okay All right. So the the horde in the lunchroom rolled a 13 So Arnie you go ahead first with initiative and you can use your food items to fight back. Okay so I'm gonna hold

the rock in one hand, and the Clitbiscuit in the other hand, and then just sort of smash a kid on both sides of the head. Okay, and roll for that? I got an 82. Yeah, that kid... Particles. Dust. Huh. Not a great day for me so far

It seems like and actually the clap of you bringing those things together and getting was it an 82 mm-hmm yeah, the wave of that spreads out it just Is everyone So honestly, it's all good you you you can sit back down and eat in peace. Oh Very successful. Yeah, that's all good. You can sit back down and eat in peace. Oh, very successful. Yeah, that's what rolling an 83 does. Wow. You sir, I've never dealt with I've never dealt with any die bigger than 20.

I know I was just complaining about this, but if that's how it goes, I'm fine with it. I think Arnie's overpowered. He is OP. OK, we got to we got to we got to bring him down a little bit. We got to take him down a little bit. We gotta take him down a notch. Stoney's getting high at the table. Hey big man, you think you're big?

Yeah, I'm talking to you. Yeah, think you're big? Big man? Why are you doing this to me? Just to remind you how big you aren't. Okay. Ussador. Is there a problem between the two of us? No, we're good. How was that, Chunk? Did that help? I'm so sorry to say this.

You actually finish your lunch and you walk out of the cafeteria having had a negative experience. What? In fighting. You hate to see it. Oh, shit. In high school, if you meet someone and then you pick on them, you bully them, you call them out on day one,

that's bad news. That's gonna be tough to recover from. So the three of you walk out having had a negative experience. That's one-in-one. Um... Can we use our eraser on that? Uh, I'll allow it if everyone agrees to it. Yes.

Uh, Arnie? Sounds like a no. That's a no. No, no, Arnie. No, I was just thinking, do we all have to use our eraser or can just one person use it? We each have our own eraser, right? No, there's only one of each item. Oh, shit. Yeah, there's only one of each item. Oh, shit. Yeah, it's a one and done.

We don't get three of these things. What are you fucking crazy? We just can't fuck up the next one. We only get one eraser per three students at this school? What the fuck is under this school? Gotta be a better way to phrase that. Do you want to bone a friend? I do. Momo, I saw you put that 12-inch ruler in your mouth and try to phrase that. You're going to bone a friend. I do. Momo, I saw you put that 12 inch ruler in your mouth and try to eat it.

You're so high. He's a great king. Well, why don't we do this? I'm sorry. Yeah, I'm sorry that I didn't make it clear. You only have one of that item to share between the three of you. So all three of you have to agree to use one. It's not even majority rules.

It's got to be three out of three but why don't we I don't know why don't we relax a little bit take a deep breath grab some drinks and and then we'll get back to the game we have to avoid infighting we might have to just drop out of school immediately yeah I can't mess up the next time, you guys. We're gonna mess up. We die in real life. Remember he said that. No shit, I totally forgot about that. I'm taking this a lot more seriously.

Right, we've been playing fast and lose, you guys. Hey, don't worry, guys. I've got 24 more iPhones to give out. I interrupted Chet like 12 times at the beginning and I paid almost no attention to the rules. I didn't realize. Oh god. We could die.

I bet you wish you would have boned me now, huh? That's three rocks, two sticks, and one accidental rabbit we've tossed at the orb and they've all disappeared. Is it wrong? Normal for orbs, yeah, but still this feels like a trick. Oh, I need to throw up. I'm not throwing my shoe at it, I like these shoes. I'm sorry.

Fine, if you can't find a shoe-sized rock, I'll think about it. But first, the credits. Chump the Talking Badger was played by Addle Refine. Usador the Blue was played by Matt Young. Momo the Mouse was played by Aaron Keefe. You can hear Aaron regularly on the Hey Riddle Riddle podcast. Special appearance by Bill Arnett as Metamore the office manager. You can listen to Bill on the Philosophy vs. Improv podcast, available wherever you get your podcasts. This episode was produced by Matt Young.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schulz. Special assistance by Ryan DeGiorgi. This episode was edited by Red Keener, welcome Red, logo by Allard Laban, theme by Andy Poland. What's up buddy? Oh, that is a very shoe-like rock. Hey, watch your step, PV3. Oh man, he tripped right into the orb. Uh, uh, hold on, PV3, I'm coming. Huh. Same meadow, same orb. Everything's exactly the same.

Ah ha! I knew it was a trick, PV3. Two clones of us just popped out of the orb. Holy crap, PV3, two clones of us were waiting to ambush us when we came out of the orb. We're not the clones, you're the clones. Oh no, I know clones when I see them, I used to work with one. You two are Defo clones.

Me a clone? If I was ever a clone, if you're the cl- I- if one of us is a clone, you! I don't know why you're looking at me thinking I'm the clone, you're clearly a clone! That's just like me! You're not accusing somebody else of being a clone. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's crazy, baby.

Is it possible that Bootleg Craig was one of those clones from the Purple Orb the whole time? Yee-hawzers. If you'd like more Hello from the Magic Tavern content, including whatever the hell is going on with me, or Craig, or me, you can go to Patreon.com slash Magic Tavern to become a patron and then, for only five bucks a month, you support the show and get some pretty awesome benefits, including two new bonus episodes every month. But that's not all, you beautiful people.

In addition to the bonus apps, you get a monthly newsletter from the hosts, early access to live events, access to the Magic Tavern Discord, the full back catalog of bonus content, and ad free versions of the main show episodes. To become a patron right now, just tab on over to patreon.com slash magic tavern. Until the next time the tavern crew feels like taking a week off, hasta la vista babies. Oh yeah. where we'll be whisked away on immersive adventures all around the world. Where we go, what we do, what we eat, drink and listen to will all be up to my very special guests. We've got Ben Schwartz taking us on a whirlwind trip around Disneyland.

We'll eat a bowl of life-changing pasta with Jimmy O'Yang in Tuscany, Italy. And how do you feel about a spot of sugaring off with Emily Hampshire in Montreal? And Away We Go will immerse you in some of the wonders of the world. We're going to be seeing some yellows and vibrant oranges. And the shoes clicking against the cobblestone. If you're looking to get somebody in the mood, have them look at the Chicago skyline. You can listen to And Away We Go exclusively with Wondery+. Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. I'm not sure.