Hello From The Magic Tavern - Patreon Unlock: Shadow City Ep 3: The Crime Criminals Couldn't Ignore (w/ Anthony Burch)

Episode Date: January 22, 2024

Enjoy this unlocked bonus episode from our Patreon! Ma, Crusher, and Punches head to the Cougar Cave to face off against The Giggler and The Chuckler!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!Credits Crusher: Arnie Niekamp Matlida “Ma” O’Brien: Matt Young Tommy “Punches” DePlume: Adal Rifai Game Master: Anthony BurchInta and Nerf: Marla Caceres and Eddie PiñaProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal Rifai Post-Production Coordination: Garrett Schultz Editor: Sage G.C. Magic Tavern Logo: Allard Laban Theme Music: Sage G.C.Get tickets for our upcoming live show at SF Sketchfest!Check out the new merch at our Teepublic store!Follow the show on YouTube to listen to the episode alongside two dynamic static animations of the tavern!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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that week. Listen to Over the Top on the Wendry app or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, this is Nerf. Hello, this is Inta. And we're here unlocking episode 3 of Shadow City from Magic Tavern Patreon. If you want to support the show and get more Patreon content, visit patreon.com. And that's it! Hey, I think you forgot to pick up our young from basketball.

Oh, I did. I didn't forget. He's still at basketball. Oh, is this a gentle parenting moment? This is an aggressive parenting moment. This is aggressive love, borderline disdain. What did our young do? You know, there's just certain things you don't do. You label food, expecting that food to be there to not be eaten. Oh, this is about the hawk under the rock.

The hawk under the rock that I had been saving. The kid ate it. Oh, anyway, here's the episode. Episode three of Shadow City. This is from the Magic Tavern Patreon, by the way. Go support the show and get more Patreon content. Visit patreon.com slash magic tab Hey, I'm already in Ecamp. I have no great intro for this. I literally like frightened my co-hosts. Like Matt pulled his hand back as if it was something hot that he was about to touch.

We were like roaches when you turn on the kitchen light arning. I know, just scurrying and scattering. Usually there's like a slower build up to you launching into a start. So I usually go. Let's go. Yeah, you're more of a Nissan Sentry than a Lamborghini. So we're used to you going like zero to 15 and like 10 minutes. I'm a Nissan Sentry, you know, century, Sentra century. No, you're a Nissan Sentry.

You're a car that stands watch outside the home of the innocent. You know how the Romans had those Nissan Sentries? I'm just so excited for us to get back into this game. I don't even know. Do we need much of a recap or should we kind of hop right in? I can I can recap probably wouldn't hurt just for my own brain to remind you what happened last episode. So last episode, we, in defiance of the pattern

that we had set up, did some stuff. Yeah, the pattern we set up. Thank you. Yeah. I could have stopped you at any point, but I failed to do so, so I take the blame too. But yeah, you tried to rob a bank. You found out that the bank was empty

because either the Giggler or the Chuckler, I can't remember which one that I failed to then consistently remember the name of. But most importantly, we did establish that there is both a Giggler and a Chuckler in this world. There are multiple joke-based supervillains in Shadow City. The Cougar, the vigilante of Shadow City showed up. You accidentally murdered him by shooting him directly

in the mouth. You took his corpse back to your car, successfully managed to sort of unlock all of the different gadgets and stuff that he had because it wasn't my, it was punches, punches figured out that you needed to use a doll to basically use his voice to open the voice print lock. And you said you were going to drive to

Timothy Philanthropy who turns out is actually the true identity of the voice print lock. And you said you were going to drive to Timothy Philanthropy, who turns out is actually the true identity of the cougar. You're gonna drive to his mansion and that in the five minutes, it was gonna take you to get there. One of you is gonna have to figure out how to put that suit on. So, unless anybody has any...

Well, can I also say, I wonder if, if we hadn't, or I'll even just say, if I hadn't taken us on the strange side path of going back in time and needing to hear the introduction to the whole adventure, two episodes in a row, I wonder if we would have fully clocked to the toy store element. Because I definitely noticed it more the second time

that you introduced it. Sure, yeah, it's entirely possible, I don't know. But I tell you this, this finale wasn't gonna happen at Wayne Manor before that episode, but now it's probably where it's all gonna end. So I hope you weren't interested in going to Ace Chemicals or the Gotham fucking museum or anything. You're just gonna hang out in Bruce Wayne's Manor

until it shit ends. Ace Hardware is now a chemical store? No Arkham Asylum for us. That's fine. Oh, we talked to the Cougars Middle-Age Ward. Was Sparrow, is that right? Yes, Sparrow. Sparrow, great.

Yes, Sparrow swore vengeance against you for killing his daddy effectively. Yes, yes, yes, yes. And your characters don't know, but the audience did that I again I've ever the gigler the Chuckler one of the two found out that The cougar was killed and seemed to be actually pretty upset about it

So yeah, if they get going to the Chuckler join forces, would they be the Gluckler? I Think they just be the Smothers Brothers Chuggler the chug Yeah, that got my sorry I'll up a little bit Okay, so yeah, you are as as your driver Bob Robert Kirk speeds through the poorer parts of Shadows City to try to get to the richer neighborhoods you examine the suit trying to find a way to Basically fully get Timothy

Philanthropy out of it, because even though the callows opened up, even though a lot of the abilities, a lot of the equipment is opened up for you, he's still effectively in the suit. If anybody would like to roll investigation or perception, I can tell you some information about it. And if I remember correctly, punches tried to fiddle around even more inside there and got shocked. What was it that?

Yeah, initially punches tried to basically take the the mask off it shocked him But punches is so sturdy that the shots effectively did nothing and then they you eventually found out how to The suit you know that probably The transformer unfolding noisy And basically also I'm gonna paste in the chat the big list of things that you saw sort of unfurl from this suit in terms of equipment. Even though I'm the one that can't get in the suit,

I tried to rule perception thinking, Ma's had a lifetime of darning socks and mending clothes and she thinks she can understand this thing, but I rolled a nine. Okay, Mazel's wrong. Ma doesn't know what this is. Ma does not figure out a career.

It sounded like I was at a Jewish wedding for a second. Whatever the opposite of Mazel Tom is, that's what I was saying. Mazel's wrong. Mazel's wrong. I guess I'll try to perceive as well. Why not? Ooh, I got 17 plus two and 19.

Wow, okay. I guess I would be so perceptive. Yeah, your time has come. So basically running your hands along the suit, you find some buttons. You find a button right in the sort of the spine area of the suit. You find one sort of on the Adam's apple, and then you find, it's two buttons,

but really you can tell that one gets pushed down, the other one gets pushed down as well, and they're both right on the inner thigh. So, Adam's apple, spine, and then thighs. And yeah, fiddling with them, you see you can press them and you can tell that you probably have to press them in a particular order to do something. Hey guys, there's these buttons. We gotta, I think we gotta press them in a particular order to do something. Hey guys, there's these buttons.

I think we gotta press them in a particular order. I think it's a sexy thing. Oh, sorry, sorry Crusher. I'm always thrown. A particular order. What do we have here? We have two inner thigh, Adam's apple spine. Alphabetical?

The Adam's apple is connected to the spine bone, the inner thigh And that's where it stops Okay, are you gonna push them in the order that you did in that song? Yeah, so I think punch is kind of I mean we're in a car So I can't motion for people to step back But I ask everyone to kind of take their hands off the suit as best they can so if anything happens I take the brunt force of it and I try alphabetical order or I guess a setting order is what I said

Adams apple spine inner thigh. All right, using the incorrect logic. Which is not. This is definitely gonna work. Yeah, yeah, despite having sort of, in the incorrect logic, you arrived with the correct answer because you pressed the neck, the back, the pussy area, and then the entire suit cracked open. You would have gotten more hints regarding its need to crack had you, the pussy area, and then the entire suit cracks open.

You would have gotten more hints regarding its need to crack had you failed the first time, but you just sort of locked into it, so congratulations. The entire- My throat, my spine, my inner thighs is fine. The front chest plate of the Cougar suit sort of, unlike this is more, like it sort of opens upougar suit sort of, you know, unlike a, this is more, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, like it sort of like opens up, some steam comes out. It's just the musk of poor Timothy Philanthropy.

He evacuated his bowels when he died. But now it is fully open. You can easily sort of lift him out of it and do whatever you would like with the suit. You could also, if you want to, detach any of the individual pieces of that suit with that equipment that I mentioned, because you opened it up so well.

But yeah, if you wanna divvy up the little pieces of the suit or if somebody wants to get in or any of that stuff, you immediately opened the suit so you have the time to do any of those things. What is Timothy Flanthpe wearing under the suit? Always a tuxedo. Always a tuxedo. Yeah, as you've never seen any picture, any news footage where he is not in a tuxedo. Always a tuxedo. Yeah, yeah. As you've never seen any picture, any news footage

where he is not in a tuxedo, you get the sense that it might be grafted onto his body. And he looks, despite the fact that he has a massive seeping face wound, he looks fantastic. He looks, he looks youthful. Besides the throne pants with the black shoes. Yes, yeah. Other than the stench of

Mituration and fecal matter which is nothing to be ashamed of it's just what happens Just what happens. Yeah, it's just what happens. All right One of you boys get in that suit and one of you boys get in that suit Yes, ma and how what are the measurements of cougar like how tall how big so cougar is? About six one. 12 for three. Yeah, you're gonna have to get on each other's shoulders to get in. Cougar is like six one, two fifty pounds.

He's a, you know how Mario, when he gets hit by a Goomba, he turns into a smaller version. If you take Jack Reacher and then I have a Goomba hit him, he turns into, Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. I am going to, I roll for fanfic. Punches would say, Crusher, I think you're a better fit for this suit than I am.

But like the big one? Yeah, the cooler suit, the actual, the super suit. Oh, wow, all right, I mean, thank you. You're welcome. I'm so moved, I've lost my voice entirely. And Punch's kind of helps as best he can, helps kind of almost like putting on a jacket in the wind or something. I'm sure putting on a super suit in a car is very tricky.

So Punch's helps as best he can to put that onto Crusher. Great. And Crusher's kind of like trying not to show, but he's crying a little bit. He's just sort of moved by this. And Punch's ties his tie. So Crusher, do you want to upon putting this suit on, is your intention to like affect as similar a posture and vibe to the cougar or are you just wearing this

because it's gonna be useful? Basically like, do you want somebody to see you in this go like, oh my God, that's the cougar or do you want them to think like, oh, it's a guy in the cougar suit? Uh, yeah, I'm willing to try. I mean, I suspect I'll fail, but it doesn't hurt to try to pretend to be the cougar.

Okay. Um, why don't you roll either deception or performance that we can see just how you affect the people in the room, in the car at least. Okay. As he does that, Anthony, are we able to, so the items that you sent us, are those separate from the suit or those are those can detach from the suit or? Those are the suit. They can detach from the suit. Okay. Just imagine them sort of as stuff on a

utility belt, even though they're, you know, it's like it's got a collar, it's got his claws and stuff. Yeah, yeah. I feel like we should probably split these up three ways so that we're each kind of equally in the mix. Is that okay? Yeah, okay? I mean what speaks to me is the translucent and the jaw of death Those are the two that stick out to me. That was very fun if I could have either of those should we do a draft style That's not a bad idea okay, so let's Anthony should we each roll a d20 is that okay for each roll d20? We'll see who gets to go first. Yeah, thank you so much Five 16. I did roll an 18

But but also like I'm already wearing the fucking suit. I don't need to go first draft. Okay. I'll go first and I will take the Translucent so it's like a cartoon when someone goes invisible you can see white outlines of features But not the skin or whatever so it's basically it's a little emblem It looks like a yarn ball and when you press it your entire body goes into outline mode Perfect great. I'm gonna take the shock absorber shin and leg guards. I can fall from any height once activated They suck an air from the top and push it downward in incredible speed Yeah, you basically cannot take to use a video game term falling damage nice Arnie you should be in the mix because otherwise you just have the suit with yeah, otherwise you're just wearing a

With the gloves and the feet missing and the weapon from everyone's gonna go after the guy. That's true I'm going to take the diamond claws that I feel like that would be the most notably Like feel like it's a part of the suit people People would probably clock those. For sure. So yeah. The girl's best friend as well. They can cut through pretty much anything. I'm gonna take the jaw of death. Can crush anything small enough that it could fit in my mouth? I'm gonna take speed boots, allowing me to run up to 50 miles per hour,

which seems like a good thing to have with the thing that helps me from getting smushed. Yeah. Seems like a healthy thing for an old woman to be able to do. Which means that Crusher gets the remaining smoke bombs. Alright. So you get diamond claws and smoke bombs. Okay, so you pull up to the imposing philanthropy manner. Lightning strikes ominously as you pull into the big gravel driveway and you see that the

front door, large imposing, is closed as it would be because it is a house. Sometimes you just talk as a DM and hope you'll find something interesting to say. Sometimes that doesn't happen. But yeah, no. So you're here at the Manor, it's a very large, palatial one-story Manor,

which people always thought was weird. They thought, ah, well, the Philanthropies are such a rich family. Why would they only have a one-story manner, which people always thought was weird. They thought, ah, well, the philanthropies are such a rich family. Why would they only have a one-story house? This is a ranch manner? Yeah, unusual. I love it, cool ranch. Ma, you lucked out.

So what would you like to do now that you were here? Well, you had said before I should roll either deception or performance. Oh, yes. I will roll deception because I am stronger at that, believe it or not. I get an 11 plus four, 15. 15, great.

So that means that basically anybody that meets you is going to have to beat a 15 in sight to tell at a glance at least that you are not the real cougar. And anybody who knows them really well will probably get advantage. Or if somebody's far away, they'll have to roll for that. But yeah, I'm gonna learn from my mistakes and not put a magazine over my face.

Great. Okay. Look how crusher you kinda look like him, not bad. Oh, thanks. Do I sound like him too? No. Hey, hey. Hey.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Yes, to your disappointment, there's no voice modulator inside the cow that made him sound badass. That was just his voice. I think Punches is going to press the button to make himself invisible. Okay. So we see the outline of him, but everything else is transparent. Perfect. Translucent.

So you have advantage on all stealth checks or slight hand checks while you're in this mode. Perfect. So we're just trying to grab stuff and get the hell out, right? I think we were looking to, because we owe Don Tribbiani quite a bit of money. A million smackers. Yeah, so I think since the deadline is approaching, I think... Wait, where is it? Lip smackers.

I assumed it was dollars. You said a million smackers. You don't have to kiss him a million times. We drive to a Claire's. One million, that'd be more expensive. All right, anyway. No, we're trying to grab stuff, get out of there, pay him off.

Yes, sure. And I'm sure if we could get a hold of Don Tribionni, I'm sure we would also be able to, versus just cash or gold or whatever, I'm sure we'd also be able to be like, we have this suit or this piece of art or something like this Matisse or Dega. Anthony, do we have any way of contacting Don Tribbiani? Yeah, I feel like you have his phone number, but I suspect that... Let's see.

Let's see. I'm going to roll a D20 and then I'll decide whether this is a world where people casually pulled around cell phones or if it's like Batman the Animated Series. Perfect. Okay, it's like Batman the Animated Series. You know his phone number or his pager number in your head, but nobody has a cell phone on them.

But next to a big house, it almost certainly has some really nice phones that require you to like hold the thing with one hand and hold the other thing up to your ear with the other hand. Love it. Perfect. I slipped my jaws of death into my mouth as well just to be prepared.

Awesome. It's kind of like the diamond teeth from that one bond. Maybe the jaws guy Oh, yeah, anything that fits in there you can crush no matter what it is. Yeah, it's CV's got any cash on him Yeah, I'm gonna look in Timothy Poquets and see if there are any like keys or anything like I guess I'm sort of wondering about getting into the house a million dollar bill cool cool Once again, I over thought, I was like, what would the weirdest thing be to do in a D&D game? It's like, just have a guy who has his house keys on him

and that's the puzzle. See if they even search him for his keys. I mean, you fucking did that too. So yeah, you find his house keys, you find his wallet, he's got about $1,000 in cash in there. Got to watch him work his credit cards and stuff like that, Drivers license all that. But yeah, now you've got his you've got the keys and he's also you can see on the key chain,

there's a little fob that pressing it doesn't really do much of anything, but it's there and it draws your attention. OK, I eat the wallet just in case there's an Apple air tag in there. There wasn't, but now you have a thousand dollars in your stomach. So no, wait, you didn't take stuff out first? No. I wanted to know what his birthday was. Oh, alright.

We're back to zero. Well I take out the keys and I sort of like gesture to the guys like, should I do this? Should I just like try to unlock the front door? Well I can't nod because I'm invisible, but I sidle up to you and say yes. Alright, let's do it. Okay, you open the front door and as you crack it open, you see the barrel of a shotgun pointed directly at the door and a very British, very old, very over-the-shit looking man holding it,

and he is going to react and say, huh, Master Philanthropy! I thought you had been killed, but of course, you always come back from your adventures with one or two bumps or bruises. But I was assured that your vitals had gone to zero. I just kind of cough, like hurt enough that I can't speak. Like, he goes, oh, oh, oh, please come in, come in. Where has it hurt? I'll take you down to the infirmary, please come with me.

I just follow. Okay, great. Are the other two going to wait outside? What's the deal with Ma and Punches? Punches is gonna walk as close as humanly possible without like tripping over Crusher. And I think Punches is gonna try and replicate cause he has a deeper, more sort of sonorous voice.

He's gonna try and replicate the Cougar's more sort of sonorous voice. He's gonna try and replicate the Cougar's voice while standing behind Crusher. Okay, so first go ahead and roll stealth with advantage like we said uh because you're outlined sort of almost invisible. First one's a 12, second one is a 11. Okay, I'm gonna go ahead and have him roll perception. He's not very perceptive tonight Alfred isn't? He's old. Wilfred, his name's Wilfred, whatever. Now for the voice, go ahead and give me a performance role if you want to speak as the Cougar. That's going to be a 16. Alright.

But can we hear what voice you would do just to see if it helps or hurts you? Yeah, I think it's going to be pretty similar to his voice, but a little more gravelly. Uh, sorry about the state of my voice. I got punched in the throat if you believe it, Wilfred. Oh, oh, oh, gosh. No, I couldn't tell you sound so identical to the way that you normally sound. Kind of like a, like a, like a crime-fighting dog. Uh, but yeah, so of course, let me, let me, let, uh, we, would you like to go down to the, the cave to get some research? What happened, what happened to you? What, what, you were attacked? What, what, what, what went on? Yeah. to get some research? What happened to you? You were attacked? What went on?

What's that car? Whose car is that? So many questions. You could ask two. Oh. I would like to add that while Punches is talking, I kind of dramatically gesture, probably a little too literally, as if I'm trying to make it seem like I'm saying

what he's saying. Yeah, sure. So Anthony, it's almost like Ryan Styles and Colin Mockley. Yeah, I was literally going to say, think your arms are through his, the whole thing is hard. And I have Crusher grab a bag of flour and we're like cooking and I just throw a flour on his face and it's very funny. You make him eat a disgusting like room temperature hot dog.

And it's so funny and I put my fingers in his mouth and it's so funny. Yeah, it's great. the alpha is eating it up, so in this moment where there's an Alfred and a Wilfred. Yeah, he's my brother He's he's on the couch asleep So where is a where's ma right now? So is the car like out front like I feel like that's up to you Do you feel like you would have moved your car? Yeah, it's a big circular drive kind of of a Downton Abbey-ass drive. Yeah, yeah.

I think we pulled up up front, probably. And Garden Kirk is waiting in the car still. Yeah. Is it possible for me to have tried to sneak inside? If I came up by the door, like say the door's open, they see the cougar come in and I say try slipping behind them Can I absolutely I feel like there's definitely a moment where punches and and Crusher sort of moves past the door and so turned Wilford around from the door so go ahead and give me a stealth roll to see if you can sneak inside

Before the door sort of shuts While he's doing that I feel like punches and Crusher are probably doing like prop comedy That's an 11. Actually, it doesn't matter because I rolled inside for him and he again rolled very shittily. So you managed to sneak in pretty effortlessly behind him right before the door slams shut. Okay. So you said he got two questions. So his first question is, well, what happened and who is that in that car?

I had to bum a ride. I went to the bank and I would you believe I lost the Cougar Mobile? I don't my key fob wasn't working. I don't know what's happening. But this gentleman outside was kind of to give me a ride. But I beat up a guy in the bank. Basically, he threw a gold bullion brick at me, hit me in the throat, and so it's just been a rough night. I'm drunk. ["The Last of Us"] Hey, I'm Michelle Beedle. And I'm Peter Rosenberg.

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It's just been a rough night. I'm drunk. Go ahead and roll deception. Okay, that is gonna be 17. Whew, we're killing it. Yeah, he got a four. So he goes, ah! What a simple, straightforward story. I can't believe I thought you were dead.

You just got hit in the throat with a brick of gold bullion as tends to happen in this horrible town. Would that your mother and father were still alive to spear us away from this place and yet alas. But, um, of course, shall I take you down to the Kuga Cave? As always, lead the way, Wilfred. Of course, of course. And it sort of leads you through the foyer and heads toward the study. And as you're heading toward the study, you can see sort of the layout of this place.

So sort of to the east, you can see the dining room. And in the dining room, you can see a lot of very sparklings, silver and gold coloring and dinnerware. To the west, you can see the gallery, which is just kind of just a hallway of a lot of beautiful paintings and sculptures and just things that rich people have, just so people can mill around there during parties. And where he's taking you to the study, to the north,

he takes you through the living room. And in the living room, you can see a big raging fireplace and over it is a picture of presumably Mr. and Mrs. Philanthropy before their untimely death at the hands of the Giggler or the Chuckler. Nobody, there's a debate going on in Shadow Studies to who actually pulled the trigger on that. Tim Burton style, like it.

Yeah, exactly. Why not tie those two together? Definitely doesn't make the world feel real small. But yeah, you head into this study and you see that the study is basically all the walls of the study are covered in books, just big, beautiful oak bookshelves. You can see a baby grand piano with the case sort of shut.

You can't get to the keys because the key case is shut. You see a couple of nice lounge chairs with snifters of brandy, a large silver statuette of a cougar. And Wilfred says, please, why don't you go ahead and let yourself down? I realize I left my medical kit in my butler's quarters. I will be down directly, but you go ahead and get down inside, please. By all means, actually, if you want to, you love listening to the news that sort of soothes you,

you're like a child in that regard. So let me just turn on the TV very quickly. And he presses a button and a shade comes down near one of the floor-length, floor-to-ceiling windows, and projector turns on from one of the bookcases, and you see the news come on. And you see a news reporter with a very solemn face saying, it's been reported that Shadow City's greatest vigilante,

the Cougar, has died. And so to honor all of the sacrifices the Cougar has made, we will now observe a moment of silence while we play the Cougar's theme song. And he looks down, all like solemn, and then you hear a violin go like, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da da da da da da da da da da da da da da um, tub something

and um and then the um the broadcast gets interrupted and you see the face of the giggler as he tears at his bright yellow hair and goes dead! no no no no, no, no. No, no, no, this is some sort of trick.

I know it. The cougar can't be dead. He wasn't supposed to die until I stroked the life out of him, strangled the life out of him, and both of them died. Each other's are, it was a little, I don't know. He just starts crying and he goes, I will give anyone who could bring me proof of the body

or the person, the dastardly person who did this, just starts crying and he goes, I will give anyone who could bring me proof of the body or the person, the dastardly person who did this, who stole this beautiful moment of triumph and completion from me. Just pick up a phone and say, oh, chocolate, I'll hear you, don't worry. I have people, I have ears everywhere. As he says that the Giggler sort of comes in

like at a split screen thing. Like no, don't listen to him. The Giggler was the true enemy of the Cougar. If you reach out to the Giggler, I can promise you will be well taken care of both financially and medically. If you reach out to me, you'll never die. And the chocolate says, if you reach out to me, you'll be super rich, but I can't say anything for your health. So it's sort of one one or the other and then a third one comes in and it's just Joe Rogan. He goes like I'm just asking questions If you reach out to me I'll make sure that everybody in town will know your name forever. I roll for athletic greens And the the newscast goes back to its regular schedule programming

So yeah was Wilford in the room when this happened or he was already off to his court. He was he was already off Okay, but yeah, what would you like to do potentially before he comes back? You can wait for him to come back. It's it's up to you But if he does come back and you haven't gotten down into the Cougar cave He's gonna know something is a rye. I want to try a small thing real fast I want to try to lift up the The lid on the the keys on the baby grand piano. Can I like is it locked or anything or can I open it up revealing the keys?

It is locked. You can feel that it's locked but there is no keyhole. Okay. Do any of the three of us play piano? Am I close enough behind that I could have heard Wilfred leaving come up or would I have been in a different part of the house? I feel like if you if you're if you were intending to just follow them kind of closely but still out of sight, then I feel like yeah, you could totally see Wilfred leave and then basically have a straight shot into the study if you wanted to be there with the others.

But if you wanna split up and go somewhere else and start looting paintings or whatever, you're more than welcome to do that as well. Use that fob to open the piano. Oh, I try the fob. Go ahead and roll perception. Okay. While you do that, I think Punches is going to go

to the bar, the expensive looking bar, and pour himself a whiskey drink. Pour himself a vodka drink. Pour himself a lager drink at the bar. A lager drink? I assume it was like a full orchestra playing. Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's one of those things where they knew that eventually he would die

so they got a really nice orchestra to do it. They just had that in the archive, just waiting to put it on TV. And then if there's time, it punches you down the sit at the piano and try and play Chimba Wombo to see if that does anything. Yes, correct. You again saw the puzzle pretty much immediately. Woo! Fuck it, yeah. If you would have investigated the cat,

it would have opened the piano and then you would have done that. But before all that, if you went to the library or the books, there would have been one that's a little bit out and it would have had a little poem that gave you hints about that. But no, fuck it, you just do it. Who is Henry the Po?

No, no, no, I want some poem. The poem was just, so there's one book that's a little bit further out than all the other ones. It's called How to Tune Your Piano. And inside the front cover, it's written, to the city I gave the cat, to the cat they gave a song, to the song I gave myself, and that was gonna be how you knew to do the Chumbo Wamba thing. But congratulations, you solved that puzzle.

The way to the Cougar Cave is open, so I didn't get a perception check from you, did I, Arnie? I rolled a 15. Okay, so the 15, you hear like a like a really, really quiet from way behind beneath you. Like it sounds like something, especially actually, as one of the bookcases slides open, and you sort of see the long stairway down into the Cougar cave, you hear that emanating from down there. Sounds like someone's having sex down there. His crush would never had sex before.

Was that just me? You need to oil your penis. I too. Everyone get downstairs, come on, come on, come on. All right, so. I steal whatever little bits and bobbles of candlesticks or whatever, put my pockets on the way through this room.

Great, so yeah, your pockets are full, you have $10,000 worth of loot on you right now. Great, and we head down to the cave. In my invisible form, or my half-translucent form, I was gonna grab the silverware that you mentioned. Okay, cool, you walk back out through the study, you head to the dinner area as you see Alfred is just knocked out on the couch his brother Wilfred. He just walks back. He goes, that's right I'm taking care of him. You're nothing to him. You're nothing. You hear me you little shit. He sounds like Stewie from Family Guy

Oh, no And you follow Wilfred as he goes to America loves him Not the good half though half of America loves him. Yeah, not the good half though. Wilfred goes to his Butler course and comes out with a bunch of bandages and stuff. And while he's doing that, you fill your pockets with silverware.

So you have basically $100,000 worth of silverware in your pockets. And so you were trying to get to a million, you're currently at 110,000. And Punches says, this is like that time when Ewok was in front of me at the ATM and we flashed to that and it's, it's fine. It's kind of funny

Mm-hmm. I guess it's funny when you're younger, but I don't know it's it's fine Yeah, it feels like you what you took a long trip to get there and it's like was it worth the travel time If you can play that scene out for me, I will increase the value of the solarware I'll double it anything you gotta be honest not fucking worth it Setting boundaries is a very important part of role-playing Okay, the three of you to send the stair steps down into the Cougar cave You see all kinds of ephemera and souvenirs from the many adventures that the cougar had been on until you shot him in the mouth Also, is the body just still in the car with Bob Robiker?

Yeah, absolutely. That guy is going to prison for sure. I barely never learned my lesson about hiding bodies. So yeah, you just send, you see, you know, an oversize, nickel, you see a book of Japson and Riddles. You find a big, a big tome of swan lumps. You find a bunch of jacks and balls, but the jacks explode and shoot poison into your eyes. But they're in a glass case that has that exact warning beneath it so you know not to get them.

You see a massive supercomputer. You see the same mother and father that you saw in the big fireplace, above the fireplace. You see them in sort of what looked to be two hibernation pods or something with glass tops. They're you know they have bullet holes in them but they're they're they're breathing and seem to be barely stable and you see a little readout saying how how they're they're

they're they're parts you're still beating and yeah the two main things at dry air one is the big old supercomputer next to a cool old tami phone and And the second is the Cougar Mobile, which is, you know, what it would look like. Just think of what would a Cougar Mobile look like? It looks like exactly like that. And it's just on a little raised deus, and you can see that one of the doors is open because you press the fob and it is open now. And you can't seemingly tell where it's gonna drive out of,

because there's no very clear ramp out of this cave, but it's gonna drive out of, because there's no very clear ramp out of this cave, but it's open. I'm going to quickly, I notice people in the chambers, and I say, he's been holding some old people captive down here, I gotta go set him free. I think those are his parents. Oh, that's even worse, cruel. They've been cryogenically frozen,

I assume they had some sort of condition. Am I close enough to smash their heads together, like, where the three stooges? Oh, absolutely. Yeah. If I do it, give them a good wham. No. Why?

I ought to. All right. We got to get as much stuff into that car and get that car out of here. See if that thing's got a trunk crusher. So I use the fob. Does it unlock the trunk? The driver's side door is open. That's use the fob does it unlock the the trunk? The driver's side door is open. That's what the fob has has done. If you want to do anything else with

the car, you're probably gonna have to get inside and start hitting buttons and stuff. You also hear from above you. You could hear the echoing British voice of Wolfwood going, Hello, may I help you? No, no, no, I assure you, it's it's it's it's it's merely rumy is not to you will get touched once you'll get touched once and then you hear a gunshot and a body hitting the floor. And you hear a lot of skittering and a lot of footsteps running back and forth and you hear either a giggle or a chocolate. You can't kind of tell which or somebody talking

about like horse serum. It's one of those three you can hear or maybe a multitude of them. And a lot of we're just letting the bodies at the floor But yeah, you can tell that's going on upstairs and the the door to the study is still open Can I close the door behind us somehow is there if I turn around sir? There's no button on in the stairway itself But you see a lot of very pretty interesting buttons next to the supercomputer computer. That's all go to the computer. And I will attempt to close the door with the computer.

OK, you go ahead and roll either insight or arcana or not insight. Sorry, investigation insights for investigation. Oh, that's a 20. So I'll take it. Wow. Not a natural 20, but OK. Plus one. Great. So you very quickly figure out the way this system works.

You can tell there are cameras and loudspeakers basically hidden in every room of the house. So you can both quickly see what's going on in all the rooms and you can speak to anybody in those rooms and they can speak to you and you can hear them and all that kind of stuff. You immediately find the button to close that door behind you.

And for the moment, it appears that you are safe. You can see through the cameras that it is not just the Giggler or the Chuckler or Joe Rogan. It is actually all three of them. They're gang seem to have approached the manor from three different directions. They're fighting each other, but they're all also seem to be very dedicated

to finding presumably new or the tree. Yeah, just the tree. They're just asking, it's just three groups to be very dedicated to finding, presumably, the truth. Or the truth, yeah, just the truth. They're just asking, it's just three groups of people just asking questions. They're tearing this place apart. You can see that Wilfred is sort of bleeding out on the ground. And basically, it's only going to be a matter of a couple of rounds before they sort of realize,

they can sort of figure out that something's awry about the study and then they'll potentially be able to get down there. But you've got a couple of turns before they figure that stuff out. In that moment, you also get a, one of you gets a page from Don Tribbiani, if you wish to call him.

Is there a phone down here? Yes. Big old timey rotary phone. I assume it's near the computer, so I can do that. I'll just call him back. Yeah, absolutely. This is my, that not how friend phone calls work Good

Where the hell are you you have maybe 20 minutes 15 minutes left over long left as long in this record? That's how much time you have to get me my fucking money. Where is you? We got you the biggest score of the decade maybe the century we're gonna bring you a lot of uh very valuable stuff a lot of silver a lot a lot of candlesticks and and a very nice car and a very nice car, and we're gonna give you the suit of the cougar. What do you think of that? Go ahead and roll persuasion, we'll see what he thinks. I just love calling someone and going, this is ma.

It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. 22. 22? 19 plus three, persuasion's a good one for me. Damn.

Wow. Everyone loves Ma. Everyone loves Ma. It goes, Ah Ma, would you sell me on it that way? There's no way I could stay here. What do you mean you have this suit? How'd you get the suit? Of the cougar? You didn't ice him, did you? You're too dumb for that. Surely not. It's a long story and we'll tell you when you see you, but you just gotta give us enough time, because we gotta, we gotta get out of here. We're in the cave right now. We got to get out of here All right, well since I like you so much. I'll give you a little extra time you have

The same amount of time I said before but this time. I'll just shoot you if you're late I won't torch you to death as I said I messaged everybody. Oh, you're still such a sweet boy I'm gonna make you a big pot of Minnestrone when I get there Yeah still such a sweet boy. I'm gonna make you a big pot of Minnestrone when I get there. Aww. Hey, Ma. Yeah. How you doing? Triviani.

Boooo. And he goes, How me? And puts his finger through his lips. Um. I, uh, that was Ma. Goodbye. I love the way she talks to this woman. Phone's been around since her birth.

She still doesn't know how to use them. Old people in tech have her right. Boom-buzz. And he hangs up. And I ask him, are you done with the phone? Can I use the phone? What are you, you don't have time to make a phone call. We gotta get this stuff and get out of here.

Yeah, you have time to make a phone call. But when I want to make a phone call, it's not. I was getting paged by Don Tviani. I pick up the phone and I hold my hand over the sever and I say, Danny, if you remember what the phone number of either the Giggler or the Chuckler was. Yeah, it was one 555 Giggles.

Another one was a 1555 Chuckles. Chuckles? Chuckles, yeah. It was actually, it was Chortles. He couldn't get Chuckles. Somebody already had Chuckles. Yeah. Iron was actually, it was Chortles. He couldn't get Chuckles. Somebody already had Chuckles. Yeah. Ironically, the Chortler had it.

Yeah. As a fuck you to the Chuggler. Yeah. I dial the Giggler's number. Okay. So on the, the, the super, the Cougar computer, you could, wow, that sounds like a specific type of, I just, I use this for one type of porn only. On the Cougar computer, you can see the Giggler

reaching to his, his coach and he pulls out a bunch of handkerchiefs and a flower and like a bunch of, like a whoopee cushion and eventually goes, ah, and pulls out his phone. And he goes, I'm the first one to have one of these. And he pulls out his cell phone and puts it to his ear and goes, and he waits for you to say and puts it to his to his ear and goes and he waits for you to say this is in your name. I say this is ma. This is the giggler. Who is ma?

That's just a, oh it's just a way people greet each other. It's like a hoi-a-hoi. Uh, do you uh, hey, are you still interested in learning about the cougar. Oh, I would say I am more than interested. I'm positively dying to find out Good one. Uh, hey I'm just not a very Now wasn't pity like I'm just not a very vocal laughter, you know what I mean? So sometimes I have to like... You know what all those people say, that's really funny instead of laughing. We cut back to when Arnie tried to join the Giggler's gang

ten years ago. Okay, so what would you say your biggest strength is? Hey, do you like movies? Who doesn't love movies? Have you ever seen Crawl? Let me roll real quick and find out. Five. That means I failed. That means, yes, I have seen the crawl.

Or at least the Nick Kroll show. Yeah, I've seen the crawl show. Do you have the blade from crawl show? I know. I know. That's just like an initial meet and greet, and then we flash back. This is just the general. I'll let you know if I have any spaces open.

I think he really liked me. He said he did in the room, but I never heard from him after that. So I say, hey, I know we figured out who the Cougar is. And I'm gonna let you know. Think about it. Who is powerful and rich enough to have all those gadgets? I'm gonna tell you.

Don Tribbiani is the cougar. Wow. Okay, why don't you roll deception? Okay. That's fun. I'm not even gonna give you disadvantage just cause that's fun. Let's see.

Here, luckily deception is one of my strengths. Oh, but is it enough? Five plus four, I got a nine. Nine, all right, we'll have them roll insight. Arnie, you rolled German for no. He rolled an eight. Oh, by the skin of my teeth. Oh, he's a real wolf.

Just by Ferd. Just barely, yeah. Yeah, so he goes, Don Tribbiani, the criminal? The criminal got his own spin-off gang? That can't be true. He's a hoodlum. He's a no-goodnik, but makes a lot of sense if you think about it. It does, and I am thinking about it. He's got the money. He's got the resources. Maybe he's not even always in the suit. He's got his minions.

Ah, damn it. What are we doing here? Timothy Philanthropy's house was just following a lead that said there was a car that sped away from the scene of the death But there was no death. There was no body So wait don't tribune. He's alive and he's the crew. That's what you're telling me. No, yeah. Yeah You don't want to laugh out loud, but you want to say it's funny Yeah, you know how like some people call themselves humorous because they don't actually make you laugh, they just write something and you go, hmm, and like that's close enough? Yeah. Oh, that's how I feel right now.

All right, boys, we're out of here. Being an actual royal is never about finding your happy ending, but the worst part is, if they step out of line or fall in love with the wrong person, it changes the course of history. I'm Aresha Skidmore-Williams. And I'm Brooke Sifrin. We've been telling the stories of the rich and famous on the hit, Wondery show, Even the Rich,

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Oh, that's how I feel right now. All right, boys, we're out of here. And he does the circle thing with his finger, and one of the three armies of supervillains leaves. Joe Rogan sees him leaving and goes like, where are you going? He goes, oh, nothing, I just made, that was something, you know,

something that's positive, you go where they. But nobody else follows him, they don't seem to believe him, but he is heading to Don Treviani's with his entire army in tow. So in that moment, while you're busy, presumably feeling pretty good about potentially solving at least two of your problems, you hear through the speaker system of the supercomputer,

somebody going, boy, boss, there's something weird about this, this bookcase is something fishy about it. I think it might be a puzzle I'm gonna solve it in the exact order it was intended hold on hold on hold on and he pulls out a book and you can see that he is three steps away from solving this puzzle so you've got three mode you can do three things before they gonna open that that that gates and then come down I know what I want to do with

my time Anthony you said that the I think was a giggler left with his boys in tow uh-huh the chuchler and Joe Rogan are still here. Can I roll for the giggler driving off in like a car that's shaped like a giant tow? No, I think that just happens. I think, and more than that, I think you get advantage for that pun, because I feel like that's definitely something. I think he's been driving the car with the tow for like years, and people are like, what is the pun there?

I don't understand. Like, is he like a footman's tow truck? Yeah, what is this? It's a little bleak. Traffic jam't understand. Like, is he like a footman, a tow truck? Footman, a tow truck. Yeah, what is this? It's a little bleak. It's a little bleak. Traffic jam? Yeah, shit, that's good.

But yes, no, that absolutely happens. And he goes, it was worth it in the end. And drives away. You have an advantage. You have an inspiration. So whatever you want, you can spend an inspiration to get advantage on any role. Thank you.

So the monitor bank, do we see, can we see the front driveway? Yes, where that's just happened. Yes is our car still there because I Presume if they all drove up there that that car either they ignored it or it's gone Yes, you can see if you if you enhance and zoom in you can see that Bob Robin Kirk is basically Trying to like make himself a smallest possible and he's leaned over in the side of the seat

and, uh, people are smashing the car with a couple of the Joe Rogan's minions are just taking baseball bats to the car and just trying to bash in the windows. Oh, that sucks. Uh, so I think Punches is going to go to the super computer and whatever the sort of Google equivalent is, uh, he's going to look up Joe Rogan's net worth. Let's find out what you see

Oh, no, we could be robbing the wrong house Doesn't it sucks boy, I hate that number you I pursuing you've already googled it you see you can I have an idea. I haven't googled it, but I have an idea. It's a 120 million Have an idea I haven't googled it, but I have an idea it's a 120 million That sucks I would say that's a hundred and nineteen and $999,000 to medic Yeah, I'm gonna say this more money than Steven root has probably which is a crime One-to-one Steven root to Joe Rogan

Wait was Steven root in news radio? Oh yeah yeah Oh, I guess he was okay, so I think having found out his net worth. I think punches is going to Try and position he's still in his half-translucent state He's gonna try and position himself to when they eventually come down the staircase into the Cougar cave He can have some amount hopefully of like drop on Joe Rogan Okay, so you're gonna kind of like like brace yourself against the walls and kind of like, and like scoot up and just sort of hold there, like pushing it, bracing yourself against the wall until until Joe Rogan comes in. That's perfect. Great.

Why don't you roll acrobatics and I'll give you three tries at it before they manage to get in. The natural one. OK. So you fall down and you get a concussion and you take a 2d6 of damage natural three not great and a Natural 17. Oh Okay So while the others doing whatever they're gonna be doing you try to jump up fall down spectacularly hit your fucking head take 2d6 of Damage you jump up and they just sort of fall down because you forgot how to jump temporarily

And then the third time you actually managed to stick and you're and you're just waiting there hovering Poised to attack Joe Rogan just like just like a liberal just wait before even does anything Before he's even said anything you don't even listen to the shit He says you're like I'm not even gonna join Spotify like I wasn't going to but I'm definitely not going to now Yeah, and I took six six. I'm sorry seven points of damage crusher and ma is there anything in particular You would like to be doing before these fellas break in you still have Seemingly no way out of this cave up in the way you came in although there is a car down here And probably a lot of stuff. Yeah, I was gonna say there's a lot of big things. Are there a lot of small?

Things like yes, data pads, actual valuables? Basically if you imagine 20 years of fighting increasingly ridiculous villains and taking all their stuff, all that is here. It's every dossier that the creeper had on every single person in Shadow City. You have every single knife that Knife Guy had that were all just different shapes and had different names on them and do slightly different amount of damage All kinds of stuff fuck faces coin. Yeah, fuck faces coin on both sides. Just the dick. I don't even know why I flip

It's just part of his kink. He's like well well well it looks like it's dick again Oh You have the you have the careh's like little cuddly teddy bear that if you squeeze it too hard poison gas comes out. Because he loves too much, that's his biggest weakness. So I'm not taking things that are like weapons like the Kare Kroh bear. If I have time, because they are probably valuable. I'm gonna take whatever like laptops, memory cards I can grab out of there.

Okay. Anything that like looks like a loose thing. Sure. And I am definitely going to take Dr. Heats Heat Gun. Sure. Why not? Hmm. So go ahead and roll, let's say investigation.

And we'll say how good a job you do collecting all this stuff. Okay, great. 17. Wow, 17. So, yeah, you get everything you want. The heat gun has enough heat left in it for one shot, basically. But it'll it'll melt anything that's like a, you know, in a three by three square that it hits. Great. But just for an instant. I'm going to look at just take in all of the the villainous items. And I'm going to look at just taking all of the villainous items

and I'm going to say to my under my breath, I'm going to say, as God as my witness, someday I'm going to meet all of you villains. Not all together at once, because that would be a lot. Someday I've got to have an adventure, maybe one at a time that involves each of you villains. And then I go to the supercomputer and I I do like a not a Google search, but a computer like searching the files of the computer.

And I look up self-destruct. Oh, that's great. So yeah, you find the self-destruct protocol. It requires a password. If you want to roll Arcana or investigation, I can tell you like more about the password potentially. Okay, let's see here. What's better? Not Arcana. Not good at Arcana.

Try whiskey, Drake. Try Courtney Cox. You know, I don't know how to spell either of those things. I am going to my Arcana and investigation are equally bad. So I'm going to try Arcana. That's fine. Ooh, three minus one is two. So you paw at the keyboard like a caveman trying to understand,

well, I guess a keyboard and you get an incorrect password. You have three tries of naming. Hint question mark? Or not hint. What is it? Password? Yeah, no, it says hint. Okay, I guess I hit hint. I was just thinking that Fuckface's catchphrase is probably head again. Heads I come, head you go. He likes to flip his coin and go whichever side it lands on its up. Okay, so you get a hint that says for her, F-O-R space H-E-R. Try Martha. I don't know what that means, but alright.

That's what it says. Uh, I don't know what that means, but all right It'd be the the iron lung behind you with the parents in it had you investigated you would have found out that the father's name is Martha And the wife's name was also Martha that's why they met cute And so a count it says I saw that on the way in I Shit, what do you guys I mean? I feel like more time is better. Yeah, we don't have an escape plan Yeah, although you know what good you're driving this car the fuck out here and Anthony This is to self-destruct the entire cave or the just the computer okay the whole entire cave Yeah, I think we want more time versus less. The way we've been playing.

Now, we probably would have no way of really knowing this. Would it destroy the mansion as well and everyone in it? You can roll insight or perception to find out. Okay, I'm going to roll perception. I hate that I still have Joe Rogan net worth on my fucking screen right now. I got a six. option. I hate that I still have Joe Rogan net worth on my fucking screen right now. I got a six. So the six no way of knowing. Yeah. Let's just do the 10 minutes. Let's

go get the car. All right. The computer says accepted counting down 10 and it counts down from 10 minutes as you hear the door from the study to the bat to the Cougar cave splinter open. And punches, you see a guy who looks like a, he's doing like a shitty Joe Rogan cosplay, like he's kind of buff and bald and kind of looks like he's melting but he doesn't look enough like Joe Rogan and a couple guys that look like that run forward and then you see behind him Joe Rogan holding a big old sledgehammer. What would you like to do as they descend the stairs? How close is he to being underneath me so I can drop down on top of him?

I think it's basically up to you because you successfully sort of readied your action and you can act whenever you think it's most advantageous to you. Great. So whenever he seems to be having enough momentum that he's gonna be underneath me in just a little bit, I try and time that drop to drop on top of him.

Okay. Why don't you roll Acrobatics? Okay. And I'm gonna use my inspiration that you gave me. Perfect. So first one is an eight. Second one is a 14. 14, all right.

I'm gonna have him roll a post-dexterity. He gets a natural. 14. All right. I'm going to have him roll an opposed dexterity. He gets a natural 20. Oh, no. And I will say as I drop, I yell, You fucking coward, UFC. So, you as you drop from the sky ready to pounce on him, he just stops where he stops walking, steps back and then reaches up an arm and grabs you by the neck in midair. And he goes reference to the Joe Rogan experience that

I don't watch so I don't know exactly what to say. But he's holding you there and he's choking you and he slams you up against the wall and the translucency pendant that you have sort of shakes off of your shirt and ting ting ting rolls down the stairs and you are like fully visible now. And he goes what the what what the hell are you what do you what do you you don't look like the sparrows don't even look like the cougar you what are you doing down here what are you you know what fuck it fuck it boys take him and he begins to hurl you back into the study where a frothing ravenous group of his fans are sort of just tearing apart the books going

like, Boo! Books! Noo! The rest of you can hear this also. I assume I've been putting stuff that I kind of gathered up into the car. How close is like the trunk or the back seat of the car, wherever I'm putting this stuff. Where is that in relationship to where punches is?

So punches is all the way up the stairs in the study. If you wanted to get from where you are to where he is, you would probably have to, let's say you would be spending effectively two turns and between you and him is, you know, three of Joe Rogan's followers and Joe Rogan himself fully armed. Unless I have speed boots.

Oh, sure. And a bag of oranges. Great. So I'm gonna try to get up there to him and hit as many guys as I can on the way. Awesome. Go ahead and roll either acrobatics or athletics. Okay, these are gonna be bad rolls for me. That's only a four. Hmm. Okay, these are gonna be bad rolls for me. That's only a four.

Hmm. Okay, so you... It's not a good night for acrobatics for anybody. No, it's not. Not an agile night. We're not a bunch of night crawlers. So you power up your boots kind of like a bug's bunny where you're just like... Before you start moving and you head off.

But as you go up the stairs, you can't control your speed and you just collide with the first Joe Rogan acolyte that you meet and the two of your heads just clunk together. And you knock him over flat onto his back, but you fall with him. And now you look up into the merciless eyes of Joe Rogan who sees that you are wearing the Cougars boots. And he goes like,

I think those would look a lot better on me. And he sort of stalks towards you and also grabs you by the neck. Maybe that's the thing he's into and slams you up against the wall and it begins to work off your shoes. Crusher, what would you like to be doing? So are there henchmen coming at me down here

or am I still essentially by myself? You were still essentially by yourself. There were henchmen coming down me down here, or am I still essentially by myself? You were still essentially by yourself. There were henchmen coming down, but Ma knocked one of them down and has distracted Joe Rogan. So right now you have a bit of extra time. And upstairs it's Joe Rogan, but then also the Chuckler? Yes. The Giggler left, the Chuckler and Joe Rogan forces are now engaged in battle, let's say. I feel like the Chuckler's forces realize that they haven't seen a Roganite in a while, so they head into the study, realize there's a fracas going on, and they just all start fighting. I run to the phone again, and I call the Chuckler. Okay. You can see in the Cougaric beater, he puts the phone to his ear.

And I go, hey, this is Ma. And he goes, yes, yes, yes, this is the chocolate. Just a second. And he like elbows somebody in the face and there are nose sprays and blood sprays everywhere. And he goes, yes, yes, yes, what is it? Are you still interested in learning about who the cougar is?

Oh, I would say I'm probably about to find out. I think I've just found a way down into a secretis sanctum. Oh yeah, I think'm probably about to find out. I think I've just found a way down into a secret sanctum. Oh yeah, I think you are about to find out because I would say that the true identity of the cougar is right by his secret sanctum. Who has the money and influence to be the cougar? I would say someone would have to have at least $120 million, right?

Go ahead and roll deception. Okay. Hmm. A seven. Ooh. So, he goes, are you trying to get me to kill Joe Rogan? Because I was going to do that anyway. You don't have to worry about that.

But I know he's not the... Who's... Wait. Wait. Who is this? And he's going to take out a little pair of chattering teeth from his coat. coat and he chomps them onto the end of his phone. And let's see. Okay. So you hear you hear them begin to laugh they go, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha The receiver explodes with the sound of laughter. And even from where he is up in the study, he can hear it echoing from the Cougar cave.

And he goes, aha, that's the ticket. He's John Lovitz. And I guess, I guess. You're jealous? I mean, I gotta say, so far the casting of this adventure has been impactful. Acting. I mean, honestly, John Lovitz would make a great Joker.

He would actually be really fun. So yeah, he is going to, he goes, everyone, ignore Rogan, the real Coogress down there. Well, he's like, I have something I got him to ignore Rogan for once. Was he another news radio guy? Joe Lovett's wise. He replaced Bill Harbin. Oh my god. Wow. Whoa. This is the, that's what you should call this series, just the news radio reunion. Okay, so Ma is getting choked and having her shoes removed, punches is getting the shit kicked out of him by a bunch of Joe Roganites, and a bunch of the the Chugglers minions are

pushing their way down the stairs to the cave to go find Crusher. And in that moment, as you're considering what to do, you hear a beep from high above you and a boom as two massive silo doors, like fucking pod bay doors just open in the ceiling above you. And the car begins to move upward. The Cougar mobile in the days that Son begins to raise up without you on it because you were at the phone. It stays there for a second and then as it begins to descend, you see that in addition to the Cougar Mobile, there is also a bright sort of brownish, bright brown, like a sparrow colored motorcycle.

And on top of it is a very angry, very middle aged looking man with a cow on his face. And he goes, any points that you and he sees that you are wearing the Cougar's outfit and he is going to roll with advantage because he knows his daddy. What was it before? And what did I have? You had a 15, you rolled a 15. OK. And he rolled with advantage and he got a 17. So he can spot immediately that you are not the Cougar, you are just wearing the Cougar's outfit and he wearing the Cougar's outfit. And he turns the bike towards you, revs the engine and then just guns it straight towards you.

I'm guessing talking doesn't really help because he's coming so fast. But I try as quickly as possible to say that something a fuckface would also say. Talking as a word because he's coming too fast. Sorry, continue. Nothing, the fuck face would also say. Talking is a word because he's coming too fast. Sorry, continue. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Wow and a 13. All right. Well a 13 is just under what I was willing to accept So for a second you can see him waiver like the front wheel like waivers a little bit as as the as another universe gets a 22 But you're you got a 13 so he goes

The time for talk the type I'm trying to figure out my what the time for dog fuck off Eddie And he just guns it as hard as he can and he shoots his he basically just tries to ram you with this is motorcycle so he Does this might be where I die seven damage seven damage seven damage You're not to the side onto onto your back upstairs Punches many men who have taken a lot of protein supplements and nutritional powders and vitamin D or antler Yeah, dear antler shit a lot of ground up parts of animals that you should do warmer. Yeah, all kinds of shit. They're punchy. They're sweating. They're trying themselves out, but you're you're getting beaten up a fair amount, but not enough to do too much damage to your HP

until you take an action. Great. But what would you like to do in this moment? You see the Chuckler heading past you to go downstairs. So as I'm getting hit, I think I'm going to try and raise up my arms, which I think are probably my biggest strength or feature. And as I'm protecting my head, I hopefully managed to say something along the lines of like, wait, wait, cancel culture has gone

too far. Shane Gillis would have been amazing on SNL if given the chance. All right, so does punches believe this or is punches just trying to see people? Just trying to, yes, yes, just trying to assuage the Roganites that he is on their side. Go ahead and roll deception with advantage. Okay, first one is going to be a 17, next one is going to be a 10. All right, so as you say that, several of the rogonites who have their fists back have to punch you, they sort of drop and they go,

Yeah, thank you! Yes, this guy gets it. See, it's all about like, you can't just get it from one source. It's not about Twitter, you gotta get it from a lot of sources. And like, you see, you get it, you think it, it's about thinking. Oh, like, by a theory. Oh, yes, of course. What did you say? Yes, whatever that was? Yeah?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you gotta buy a board apes. Oh Do I have more? I'm sorry, or Cape's board Cape's board Cape's yeah, yeah No, we have a lot of let me show you by let me show you my he takes out a little it's like a hideous pixel drawing I'm just like a superhero's cape, but this one's like smoking and looks kind of upset. He's like, yeah Yeah, I'm pretty I'm pretty proud of it. Mr. Rogen gave me that as a Yeah, yeah, man, you seem cool. What are you doing here? Oh, I was just, I thought there was a rave. I thought there was a party. Oh yeah. Wait, well, it's a party now. Hey, we're all together. It's practically a whole Joe Rogan experience here, you know what I'm saying? Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Yeah, yeah. And I see Fist fist bump him back and I say if it's a party everyone put your fingers in my mouth

He just sort of like you see that on his face he's like he's too ashamed to admit that maybe this is a meme or something He's not familiar with yeah So he definitely puts his fingers in your mouth. If you want to get more fingers in your mouth, you want to roll a persuasion to the rest of the group. Perfect. So as I roll persuasion, I say, hey, no party like a finger mouth party because a finger mouth party don't stop. And that's an 11.

Okay. So with an 11, fully half of the the Roganites who are who think that you're a chill bro. And we're like, yeah, finger stuff, mouth stuff. It's just it's just about being close to your bros and they put their fingers in your mouth. What do you do? Great. And I remember I have a grimace sized head and a grimace sized mouth. Oh, yeah, so fingers with my jaw of death.

I can crush anything small enough that could fit in my mouth. So I have a pretty big mouth and I bring down those jaws of death on all the fingers that happen to be sticking in there. Perfect, so your mouth, you're basically playing a cannibalistic version of Chubby Bunny right now, because of how many fingers are in your mouth. A lot of dirty, dirty boys with dirty, dirty fingers. Blood shoots from the stumps of half of these roganites

as they fall to the ground clutching their wrists, just going, brawl, brawl, brawl, what you do? Brawl, brawl, brawl, brawl. The other half half uh like kind of don't know what to do they're they're not sure whether to attack you or whether like the guys who got their fingers off are just pussies um they they they're sort of a little bit confused there's one of those guys though who is like a little bit nerdier in in the background he's like attack on Titan cool yeah but he doesn't say that too loud because he doesn't want people to think he's a fucking weeb yeah but yeah so you are basically you were grappled you are no longer grappled by this crowd

if there's something you'd like to do enough they're sort of all scared of you am I close enough to be able to make any move on the Chuckler as as he runs by me to make his way downstairs he He is now, since you did the whole mouth thing, he had enough time to go downstairs. And he is currently actually approaching, so we'll switch to Ma. So Ma, things are beginning to go black as Joe Rogan's grip tightens around your neck

and he begins to work off one of your shoes with his free hand. And the Chuckler is like, oh, if you just gotta squeeze my hair, if you just got to squeeze by here and he's just trying to squeeze by Joe Rogan and not make too much of a mess or draw too much attention to himself as he's trying to scoop by. Is there anything you'd like to do?

How do I activate the shoes? Like, I feel like it's probably, you just flex your foot in the right way. You flex your ankle. Is it still enough of my foot that I could activate the ones in my hand and try to kick him while it's on? Well he's holding the other one, so if you wanted to try to reach your hand in and activate

it that way, you could try. You can certainly activate the one that's on your foot still. Yeah, I'm going to try to swing my other leg up and kick him with that one while the shoe's on, hopefully that gives me some extra leverage or speed force. No, I dig that. Roll a regular attack. So I think you have a thing that says unarmed strikes. You're basically just gonna roll D20 and add one.

Oh, natural one. Oh shit, okay. So you're not ready for the speed with which the shoes can go from zero to 50 and your foot just lashes out and your leg just breaks at the knee in the opposite direction. It just goes the wrong way. It's stuck at a the knee in the opposite direction, just goes the wrong way, is stuck at a right angle in the wrong direction.

And now conveniently, the foot is right next to Joe for him, just good to go, thank you. And he just takes the other shoe right off of your foot, and he lets you go, he lets you drop to the ground, and now he's got the two speed shoes, and you are sort of on the ground cradling your broken leg. At least the shock absorbers broke your fault.

Yeah. Yeah. You didn't hurt your butt when you hit the ground. Your shims, the flaps go out and you manage to softly land on the ground. All I'll say is, it looks bad for everybody, like including society. Yeah. Joe Rogan is on top right now, which is bad for everyone. All of you in the philanthropy manner hear the break and the scream of poor Ma's leg. And then you hear the Ivermectin-soaked chuckle of Joe Rogan as he puts the speed boots onto his feet.

Meanwhile, downstairs. Joe Rogan on speed. Oh my, I knew it. Downstairs, the sparrow unfurls two shock batons and moves forward to the supine form of W. Crusher. And all the while, the countdown of the computer ticks down. There are five minutes left before this cave and everyone in it is going to be dead. And those five minutes will comprise the entirety of our final episode, I think.

And punches goes, and swallows accidentally all the fingers he had in his mouth. Oh. And he gains the power of all those fingers. So you're as strong as you were, plus 17 fingers. Fuck yes. Actually, you know what? Why don't you level up punches?

Hell yeah. Whoa. So why don't you level up punches? Hell yeah. Whoa! I'm not gonna die. I'm not gonna die. Hock under the rock that I had been saving. The kid ate it. Fine. But now they're still, they're gonna live at basketball practice for a while. Oh, Nerf honey, next time you have to get two Hawks.

You know that our young loves, this young in particular loves Hawks. Now I feel like I'm being too harsh. You are being a little bit too harsh. Okay, all right. Tomorrow morning first thing in the afternoon, I will go down there and I'll pick up our young. Okay, listen, it's time I tell you I ate the Hawk. God damn it.

Well, that's okay. That's okay because I love you. Oh god, I owe that kid an apology. Wow. It's a good thing we don't name our kids. This is... This... An emotional detachment is good in parenting. Oh, absolutely. And it's so much more efficient when you have hundreds of young. Yes.

It's easier to just call them all blanket young Yes, blanket young you come here. Oh Episode son. Wow. All right. Well, didn't that make you want to wear a shadow city shirt? You can buy a shadow city merch on our T public store. There's a link in the show notes Crusher was played by arnie knee camp. Mal Brian was played by Matt young Tommy punches the plume was played by Ad Young, Tommy Punch's Diplume was played by Addo Rafai, The Game Master was Anthony Birch, Check Out Anthony's Great Podcast, Dungeons and Daddies, Shadow City was produced by Arnie Necamp, Matt Young and Addo Rafai, Post-Production

Coordination by Garrett Schultz, Edited by Sage GC, Shadow City logo by Allard Leban. Shadow City theme music by Sage GC. Nerf, I asked you to change one of the diapers on our young. I realized that, yes. Okay, well now they've got diaper rash. You know, goblin skin is very sensitive. I know, look, I dislike changing diapers so much. Nobody likes it, Nerf.

It just comes with the territory of having hundreds of young. I guess you're right. Well, you know, maybe this is part of a larger conversation we have to have about young control. Just hose them down. Okay. I'm listening. Hmm. Yes.

So like in county jail, you just strip them down, you hose them down, you throw baby powder on them, you assign them a number and off they go. Wait a minute, how do you know so much about the details of hygiene in county jail? I've lived a full life, Inta. You lived a life before me. That's right. If that's conceivable to you, yes. Anyway, go on, finish your outro. Thank you. Shadow City usually only lives on the Magic Tavern Patreon where supporters of the show

get ad-free episodes and at least two bonus episodes of Magic Tavern and Magic Tavern adjacent content each month. Here's a clip of the most recent Patreon episode, the start of season four of Offices and Bosses. Is there a chemistry class on the schedule that I can see? You sir there is but let me give you the full list of classes that way you can choose just so yeah Just so you're not mad that you missed that on something Nothing He clearly guys he clearly didn't come up with chemistry class

So let me go through these pretty quickly. We have Home Economics, Shop Class, Basic Algebra, even Basicer Algebra, Math for Dumb, Magic, Geography, Biology, Speech and Debate, Chemistry, Music, Art, History, Improv, Sex Education, English PE, History, improv, sex education, English PE, Drive or Ed, lunch, podcasting, secret party in the locker room, random school assembly, and rapping and riddles. Oh no.

Okay, these all sound fun. I can think of a couple right near the end that would kill me. Momo, did you say rapping and riddles? No, I did not. To hear the rest of that and to learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Oh, and one last thing, there are still tickets available for the live magic tavern show at

San Francisco's Sketchfest Saturday, February 3rd at 3pm with special guest Ron Funches. You can find more info and a link for tickets in the show notes. Did you know my birthday is tomorrow? Say what now?